Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hey, I’m BigMax. The guy writing this stuff. I know we don't talk a lot but there are some things I'd like to say:

1. This is based off of the same story from the rest of ‘Tales of a New Agent 3’. If you’ve read everything else thanks for sticking with it! If you haven’t, go do that this'll make more sense if you do.
2. I’m still new at this and I’d like to think I’m learning and improving. That said, any advice, feedback, suggestions and/or criticism is greatly appreciated. I do read the comments, even if I rarely respond. Just don’t be an arse, that doesn’t help anyone.
3. Splatoon 3 and the Splatoon franchise belong to and are made by Nintendo. For the purpose of copyright all rights reserved © Nintendo 2022.
4. Catch any references and win a prize*
5. The use of established characters will occur. There may be times where they act OOC, but I tried my best.
6. Alcohol was consumed while writing some of these. That’s not an excuse, it's transparency.
7. There is no schedule for this thing. Stuff will happen when it happens.
8. It's marked as not rated but don't expect anything to go above a T rating.

Enjoy yourself!

*The prize in question is the respect of yours truly. My respect cannot be redeemed for anything else. My respect is not a valid form of currency, not even at your local Tesco, please don’t try to use it as such. This is subject to change but don’t count on it.

Chapter Text

The two boys were simply meandering about Splatsville, walking and talking about whatever came to mind. Buddy was there, too.

“You know, for a kid who, supposedly, went into space, you’re remarkably…” Bahn paused to consider his words “I was gonna say normal, but you never have been…” eventually he landed on “You’re remarkably the same as you usually are.” Radio just shrugged and said, “Shore when ‘m older ‘n the gravity of the situation finally hits I’ll succumb to the space madness.” Bahn was baffled but just said “Alright…” and moved on. 

The pair eventually found a place to sit and took a couple seats, still discussing random topics. “So, then everyone on both teams just stops to watch the two wipers duel. Then I noticed a laser pointed at my teammate’s head next to me, so I dropped my Big Bubbler down and- OW!” Bahn was reminiscing on something cool that happened in a Turf War when he was interrupted by a pain shooting through his head. “Yo’OK?” Radio asked seeing his friend bring a hand to his forehead. The Octoling bent down and picked up a rock off the floor, “Someone threw this at me.” he stated while displaying the rock. Radio was about to respond but then a rock hit him in the side of the head, so he just yelled “ARGH!” instead. When the two looked over to the direction the rock came from, they saw a pair of adolescent Octolings, not even old enough to have a full-on kid form, chuckling before they ran away. 

Bahn was fully prepared to ignore it and move on with his life, but when he looked to where Radio was sitting, the boy was gone. He was instead climbing onto the roof of a nearby building to give chase. Bahn just sighed and went after them, too. Just not on the roofs.

The two children ran into an alleyway, so Bahn blocked the entrance and yelled “Hey!” The kids turned to see him standing there before turning back to run again. At that point Radio landed in front of them, having jumped down from the rooftops, holding the Hero Shot Replica. “WHOA! Whoa, whoa! We’re not gonna shoot them!” Bahn stated. Whether it was aimed at Radio, or the kids is anyone’s guess, but Radio just went “Oh, OK.” and put the gun away. With that Bahn was allowed to go into ‘Disappointed Parent’ mode and started scolding the kids. “So, either of you want to explain why you’re throwing rocks at strangers? It’s rude, you know? And hurtful.” the child who responded sounded like they were on the verge of tears, “W-we’re s-s-sorry Mister! We were jus’ playin’!” 

It went on like that for a while, with Bahn so focused on his lecture he failed to notice the other kid still throwing rocks at Radio who was skillfully dodging them all. Eventually a woman cried out “Oh, there you are!” and ran up to them, Bahn stepping aside to let her pass. The woman grabbed the two kids in a hug, saying “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!” She then took notice of the two other people there. “Um…have they been bothering you, Sir?” she tentatively asked. “They’ve been throwing rocks at us.” Bahn stated, Radio adding in “One still is!” They looked down to see one of the kids still throwing rocks, despite everything. “Charlie, stop that!” the mother demanded. She started dragging the kids away “I’m sorry for any trouble but thank you for finding them, captain.” The woman left and could be heard disciplining her children as she went.

“Geez, ya’d think that kid were an Octorok.” Radio sighed, finally catching his breath. “Also, ‘captain’? Wawazzat ‘bout?” Bahn shrugged, “Guess she recognised me. I was a commander, though, not a captain.” Radio pointed out “Ain't no way you is older than her.” Bahn smugly replied “What can I say? I was a prodigy.”

Then they went to go get lunch.

Chapter Text

It’s been a couple days since the whole ‘saving the world’ thing and Radio was mainly just wanting to go home and relax for a bit without anyone making a fuss over him. What with Bahn trying to make sure he didn’t reopen the big gash in his torso and Marie trying to teach him to read. 

He arrived and opened the door to find that things…weren’t quite right. Buddy’s cushion was the wrong way up, the blankets were folded, which he didn’t remember doing, the radio was in the wrong corner, the clock was showing the right time instead of being an hour behind and twelve minutes ahead, and his Sharktooth Comix collection was in a different order. “Summits not right here…” Radio mumbled. Then he realised who was responsible for this “Deep Cut…”

With another day of recording for Anarchy Splatcast done and dusted, the trio of Deep Cut were chilling backstage, discussing what to do for the rest of the day. “Maybe we could go check out Alterna again!” Frye suggested, eager to get back to banditing, but she was shot down by Shiver. “You know we can’t just go there now. Not with it being Radio’s turf. We’d need his permission, and he isn’t…’home’...right now.” she told her. “Ay! (Then we’ll just have to go find the kid!)” Big Man said, weirdly agreeing with Frye for once. Luckily for them, they wouldn’t have to go look for him. Because one of the air vent covers fell down with a tiny Salmonid accompanying it, followed shortly by a squid plopping onto the floor. 

Radio shifted out of swim form and yelled “Witch of you bastards touched m’ stuff!?” to the trio’s shock. “Ay? (How’d you get in?!)” Big Man questioned. Radio just pointed to the wall and replied “Vents.” Shiver then asked, “How’d you know where we were?!” he replied, “Heard your voices.” Frye, with a slight hint of confusion, pointed out “You’re wearing earbuds!?” he shot back “Don’t change ‘subject! I’m mad at you!” Shiver stood up and stuck her fan in his face “OK, so we stole your stuff before we teamed up. Who cares? We put it back!” Radio stuck his finger in her face and challenged “How’d you feel if ya came home n’ all your stuff was in th’ wrong place?!” “Well, why don’tcha show us how it’s supposed to look so next time we’ll know!” Frye shouted. “Fine! I will! Meet outside!” Radio yelled before leaving through the vents again for some reason. Deep Cut made their way outside, not noticing the Smallfry who didn’t follow. Instead, it went deeper into the studio. 

Outside Radio opened the lid to his dumpster and pointed into it, declaring “Thass how it’s ‘sposed t’ look!” The three members of Deep Cut all had different reactions. Frye stared intently at the whole thing, trying to commit it to memory, Big Man looked extremely confused and Shiver was irrationally angry. “But it’s! - And that’s! - You just! - WHY!” she shrieked, baffled by what he’s done. “Ay! Ay ay? (Shiver, calm down! But seriously, what?)” Big Man was equally as confused “Ay! (Your Comix aren’t in number order!)” before he could explain the method behind his madness Shiver scoffed from behind their fan and said “I’m over this conversation. Goodbye.” and then she walked off. Big Man went to follow her but stopped to poke Frye. When Frye broke out of her stupor, she noticed the other two were leaving and called out “Hey, wait up!” before running off after them. 

With the three of them gone Buddy opened the back door to the studio and ushered Radio inside. They had plans to get done.

When Deep Cut returned to the studio the next day, they found post-it notes stuck on their dressing room doors with drawings of a spoon and a radio tower. When Big Man opened his door, it triggered a Rube Goldberg Machine made out of all of his stuff that turned on his laptop. Shiver found that everything in her dressing room had been turned upside-down. Including the furniture. Frye found that the whole room had been flipped, everything was on the opposite side of the room it was normally on. They also all found their makeup draws had been rearranged. 

It’s said that on that day, high up on the roofs above Splatsville, an Inkling boy and a Smallfry could be seen laughing.   

Chapter Text

After a long day of searching the Splatlands for scrap, Radio was making his way to the train station to head home, inking the ground as he went to try and get there faster. One particular shot didn’t quite go right, though.

The first thing that was wrong was the sharp sting Radio felt on the inside of his arm causing him to yelp and drop his Tri-Stringer. The second was that the shots went way off target. The third thing was obvious as soon as the pain faded, dropping the Tri-Stringer snapped it in half. Also, the string came unstrung. Normally restringing isn’t too hard, but that doesn’t matter because the weapon itself is in two pieces. 

There was no time to mope around, unfortunately. The last train of the day just pulled up to the station and he really didn’t feel like camping or walking home today. Radio grabbed the broken pieces of his weapon, tucked them into his backpack and readied a Super Jump aimed directly at the train doors. The squid rocketed through the air, past any passengers and unceremoniously flopped into the seat across from the doors. Transforming back into kid form, Radio pulled out the pieces of his weapon to examine exactly what happened to it. 

There were a few options here. Give up on it and buy another weapon, ask Sheldon to fix it, or…

“ Guess I’ll have to put it back together myself! ” he decided, only for his Smallfry companion to remind him “ You sold your tools, remember? ” which jolted his memory. He sold his tools a few months before the whole ‘Squidbeak Splatoon’ thing because he needed money for food. On the topic of the Splatoon, “ I’ll borrow tools from Captain! ” Radio exclaimed; Buddy seemingly agreed with him.

Alterna was quiet. There had been no news of Mr. Grizz returning, the Fuzzy Ooze wasn’t growing back, and nothing seemed to be happening with that second rocket, so the members of the Splatoon were less focused on that and were each doing their own thing. Callie was reading through the script of the next episode of a show she was acting in, Marie was, as always, multitasking. Coming up with topics for ‘Marie after Midnight’, planning lessons for Agent 3, budgeting and probably cyberstalking Agent 4. Cuttlefish was taking a nap, all he really seems to do nowadays, and the Captain was scrolling through her phone. 

Alterna was quiet. Until Agent 3 came crashing through the drain, that is. The three girls looked up upon hearing all the racket only to see the boy in question. “Can I burrow some tools?” he asked. The Captain gestured to the large orange building next to the camp. “Tools and a workshop are in there, go nuts.” She immediately regretted adding that last part when she saw Agent 3 quickly dash up the stairs with a huge grin on his face. “I’ve made a mistake…” she muttered, Callie just waved it off “Oh, relax! How much trouble could one kid cause?” 

Turns out quite a lot.

Alterna was no longer quiet. The vast underground bunker now echoing with the sounds of drills, hammering, metal clattering and the occasional growls and shouts from Agent 3 and/or Buddy. Craig Cuttlefish, somehow, slept through all of this, but the other three weren’t so lucky. They’d all long since given up on trying to do what they were previously doing and were now sitting around, wondering ‘what on earth are those two doing in there?’ 

After three hours Agent 3 emerged, kicking the door open and announcing, “I did something!” while showing off his work. To an undiscerning eye, it looked like any old Tri-Stringer, but closer inspection there were many subtle differences. It was longer, it was a different colour, the string was thicker and the two side inktanks appear to have been removed. It seems this Tri-Stringer had been turned into some kind of ‘Solo-Stringer’. The Captain pulled out their phone and started recording as Agent 3 fired a shot from his newly created weapon. The shot flew far. Very far. Far enough that it hit the wall of liquid crystal screens, much to everyone’s shock. 

The Captain began furiously tapping away at her phone and Cuttlefish slowly awakened. Seeing his two granddaughters staring off into the distance he asked “What happened? Did I miss something?” the Captain answered him with “Agent 3 just accidentally made an illegal weapon.” This seemed to snap the boy out of his stupor as he turned around with a shocked expression. “I did?!” he panicked, “Yep, Sheldon’s not too happy about it either.” Agent 3 started panicking more so the Captain held out her hand. He immediately placed the new weapon in her hands and ran off.

Sheldon was very angry when Radio walked into Ammo Knights the next day.

Chapter Text

Frye was merrily making her way through the halls of Anarchy Splatcast studio on the way to her dressing room only to suddenly pause. She took a good long look around the place, loudly “HHHHHMMMMM”-ing to herself. She eventually realised what felt so wrong about the corridors and ran to Shiver’s dressing room to bang on the door. “Shiv! SHIVER!” she yelled until the Octoling in question emerged, not looking too pleased. “Frye, what are you doing?” she questioned. Frye gestured to the hallways and asked, “Does anything look different to you?” Shiver took a look around, eventually landing on an answer of “No, it looks exactly the same as it always has.” “EXACTLY!” Frye bellowed, “It hasn’t been decorated for Squidmas!” Shiver gasped, “You’re right! We need to tell Big Man!” and so the two ran over to Big Man’s dressing room, banging on his door and loudly calling “Big Man! BIG MAN!” until the Manta Ray in question emerged, looking extremely confused. “Ay? (What’s up, guys?)” the two girls both screamed “We haven’t decorated for Squidmas!” Big Man then looked around and realised they were correct. “Ay, ay. (That’s weird. I know I brought decorations for the crew to put up.)” 

The group of three went to the supply closet and, sure enough, Big Man’s big box of decorations was there, completely untouched. “ What the fuck! Why didn’t they do anything with them?!” Frye demanded to know. “AY! (Frye, language!)” Big Man scolded her. “We’ll just have to do it ourselves…” Shiver supposed “Although it’s a lot of work for just three people.” Then Frye had a brilliant idea and ran off saying “I know who can help us!” leaving the other two to start without her.

Frye ran out the back door and over to the dumpster next to it, banging on the side of it and yelling “Rad! RADIO!” Radio then emerged from around the corner and simply greeted her with “Hi!” She ran over and grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him into the studio with her, telling him “You’re helping us decorate! And don’t ask questions!” Radio had several questions, but he was told not to ask them, so he didn’t.

When Frye returned with boy and salmon in tow Shiver and Big Man had finished organising the decorations into piles based on what they were. Streamers, wall decorations, table ornaments, even a whole tree! “Now we just need to decide who’s doing what.” Shiver stated. Frye immediately volunteered to set up the streamers, claiming “No problem, wEE’L have it done in no time!” before pulling out her pungi and playing a short tune “Eels, get your wriggly butts out here!” Suddenly the halls were flooded with eels flying through, each one grabbing a streamer before flying off to go hang them up. Frye looked very proud of herself, Radio meanwhile had hidden in the supply closet and was peeking out from the door, looking very pale. “Don’t like eels.” He simply stated.

Some time has passed, and everyone was decorating the last room together, said room being the Anarchy Splatcast set itself. With the curtain closed, of course, can’t have anyone getting a sneak peek at the new set. “Big Man, is that a real, actual evergreen?” Shiver asked, seeing the Manta Ray placing it behind his TV. “Ay! Ay, ay? (Yup! Pretty cool, huh?)” he replied. “Shouldn’t that, like, be somewhere important?” Frye questioned “Ay! (But this way it gets to be seen by more people!)” to that, Shiver and Frye both nodded. Radio just mumbled “‘Splains why Buddy kept tryna eat it.” 

With everything done and dusted they all stepped back to admire their handiwork when one of the Jellyfish on the crew came in. the ensuing game of charades that occurred (because Jellyfish can’t talk normally) went like this:

“What are you guys doing?” the crew member asked. “We were decorating for Squidmas!” Frye cheerfully told them with Shiver adding on “Because SOMEBODY forgot to do it for us. Not that I mind. It was quite good for team bonding, I suppose.” The crew member responded “No, no we didn’t forget. Squidmas isn’t happening this year.” The three members of Deep Cut looked at them like they’d just grown a second head. “A-ay? (W-what do you mean by that, friend?)” the Jellyfish clarified for them “There’s no Frosty Fest. It’s not happening this year.” The three of them all cried out at once “NO FROSTY FEST?!” followed by Frye’s “ WHAT THE FUCK! ” which she was once again reprimanded for. The Jellyfish apologised “Guess we forgot to tell you guys. Sorry to get your hopes up.” 

With that Frye angrily stomped off, muttering under her breath. Shiver followed behind her, walking in an overly exaggerated elegant manner, fan open to cover their face. Big Man also dejectedly slinked out behind them. 

Radio silently excused himself and went home.

Chapter Text

Shiver was lying awake in bed, unable to sleep, her frustration finally boiling over at the indignity she was dealt by Agent 3 in Alterna. Luckily, she knows where he sleeps. The Octoling rose from her bed, got dressed in her usual attire, and left to go start a fight. Forgetting several things: her key to get back in, to tell Frye and Big Man, and that it was 3 A.M. With nothing but a paper fan and some serious feelings of indignation, Shiver set off into Splatsville. 

Evading all the weirdos and creeps that stalk the streets at night, Shiver arrived at their destination, a dumpster behind their studio which they knew was the current abode of the object of their irritation. Knowing he wouldn't be awake she began to rap her fist against the side of it, getting louder and faster the longer it went on. 

Eventually the lid opened, and a boy emerged, eyes barely open and bed head somehow worse than usual. "Rise and Shine, Rad!" She cooed before her tone turned cold "The time of my revenge is at hand!" The boy stayed silent, eyes locked on Shiver when they weren't trying to close, swaying back and forth. Eventually his mouth opened but the slurred, guttural drivel that spewed out could barely be considered words, and Shiver was slightly taken aback by just how…bad it sounded. "Uh… Say that again?" She asked. The boy opened his mouth again, and was slightly more understandable, "Snz not ouu. Neir 'm I…" Offended by his lack of enthusiasm, Shiver started reprimanding him "Inklings and their lazy, layabout lifestyles. It's that inability to wake up early that nearly cost your ancestors the surface you so enjoy now. I am disappointed that this seems to be a trend among you all. Even beautiful, hard-working Frye can barely manage to drag herself out of bed! I lament the fact-” she stopped herself and asked, "Are you even listening?" 

He was asleep. Shiver felt her hands and eye twitch. This has gone beyond a grudge over a loss. She was going to teach this insolent, idiotic child some manners! "You! You beastly boy! I have never faced such disrespect in all my life! You shall repent for these crimes!" She screamed, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and giving it some more holes with her claws. The boy was completely unfazed, practically dead to the world, his Smallfry companion was not. 

The little fish jumped out from the dumpster, latched onto Shiver's hair and pulled her in with surprising strength. Once inside the creature promptly went back to sleep on top of her while she was lying on top of the Inkling boy who was still soundly passed out. Despite it being cramped inside it was strangely comfortable. For a dumpster at least. Quite quaint. Shiver soon found herself fighting a losing battle with tiredness and eventually fell asleep.

This was gonna be really awkward to explain when they woke up. A problem for future Shiver, though.

Chapter Text

somewhat inspired by this scene in Xenoblade Chronicles 2.

Frye awoke to a distinct lack of blue haired Octoling. Not uncommon, though, Shiver was almost always up before Frye. What was strange was that Shiver wasn’t anywhere! And Frye checked! In their room, in Big Man’s room, in the living room, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, under the tables, in the washing machine (don’t ask), in the microwave (again, don’t ask) and even in the closet! Shiver had just vanished! 

After running around the house for half an hour, tearing the place down in the process, Big Man awoke and stopped Frye before she started making desperate phone calls. “Ay! (Frye, calm down.)” he gently told her. Frye turned to him with a slightly crazed look in her eyes “Calm. Down? CALM DOWN?! HOW CAN I?! Shiver’s GONE Big Man! What if she’s been kidnapped? What if she’s being tortured? What if she’s DEAD?!” Frye was busy working herself into a tizzy when Big Man asked her “Ay? (Did you check with the one guy who always knows where Shiver is?)” Frye paused for a second and then gasped before running off outside with Big Man following behind.

Frye skidded to a stop just before the pool and called out “MASTER MEGA!” After a moment the shark arrived on the surface. “Do you know where Shiver is?” she asked him, sounding slightly desperate, Master Mega nodded and roared. Frye doesn’t speak shark, so she had no idea what that roar meant. “Ay! (She’s with Radio. Apparently.)” Big Man translated. This made Frye wonder aloud “Why?” the shark once again roared its response. “Ay? Ay? (Revenge? Wouldn’t she need you for that?)” Big Man questioned but Master Mega just smirked and swam off, leaving them very confused. “Ay! (Nothing for it, let’s get dressed!)” he declared, causing Frye to realise they were both still in their pyjamas. 

Frye and Big Man made their way to their studio’s back exit, specifically to the dumpster right next to it. Frye knocked on the side and asked “Rad, you in there?” there was no verbal response at first, just clattering and fumbling. The silence was broken by a sudden squeak followed by high pitched shrieking. This shrieking was soon followed by another voice, also screaming, that sounded very confused. “ WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED?! ” the first voice asked, and Frye recognised it as Shiver, speaking Octarian. “ You’re in MY bed! ” the second voice shot back, although to Frye it just sounded like tongue clicking. It was probably Buddy or Radio. Shiver didn’t understand either, or just chose to ignore it, as it was followed by several loud *CLAP* sounds and her yelling “ You PERVERT! Have you no shame?! Why I ought to- ” 

The lid to the dumpster suddenly flew open, a Smallfry coming up with it, which was followed by Shiver’s head popping up, her hair tousled, eye(s) wide and face a blushing mess. Radio’s head soon followed, looking bewildered and with a red handprint on the side of his face. Frye’s face went from one of shock to the biggest shit eating grin imaginable realising just how much she could tease Shiver about this. Starting now. “What’s this? Has Shivvy found a new snuggle buddy~?” she giggled. Shiver spluttered indignantly before covering her face with her fan and stepping out of the dumpster with as much grace as possible to regain some confidence. She proceeded to clear her throat and continue fanning herself. It looked like she was about to respond, but then she turned around and walked into the studio instead. Frye and Big Man turned to Radio expecting an explanation but all they got was “don’t look at me. Am jus’ as con fused.”

Chapter Text

Stinky(Cap3) > After much consideration and a lot of talking Deep Cut is being added to the chatroom

■Webmaster■ > Eel_Master has joined the chatroom.

■Webmaster■ > Shark_Tamer has joined the chatroom.

■Webmaster■ > BIGMAN has joined the chatroom. 

Eel_Master > YO!

Shark_Tamer > Repping the Splatlands we are Deep Cut!

Kaboom(4) > Please stop.

BIGMAN > I didn’t get to say my line…

BIGMAN > 😢

Eel_Master > GASP! You made big man cry

Shark_Tamer > How could you?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Not even 5 mins and 4’s bullying them

Tide_Goes_Out(2) > Disappointed in you 4

Kaboom(4) > Don’t gang up on me!

Kaboom(4) > **** you guys!

Shark_Tamer > Did you censor yourself?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > There’s an auto censor

Stinky(Cap3) > Swearing is unprofessional. This is a serious Groupchat.

Kaboom(4) > Smelling like burning deodorant is unprofessional, doesn’t stop you.

Stinky(Cap3) > Shut up and change my name back

Kaboom(4) > Have you showered, 3?

Stinky(Cap3) > Yes

Tide_Goes_Out(2) > No she hasn’t

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > She hasn’t

Stinky(Cap3) > Traitors

BIGMAN > You're the captain why can't you change your own name?

Kaboom(4) > Someone was dumb enough to make me the admin. 

Kaboom(4) > On that topic…

■Webmaster■ > Admin has changed 2 screen names.

Eel_Master(Frye) > What

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Oh. that’s not so bad.

Kaboom(4) > Just so it’s easy to see who’s who.

Kaboom(4) > I’m sure I’ll think of nicknames once we get to know each other.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > How come we didn’t get nicknames?

Kaboom(4) > Because your screen names are pretty accurate.

Kaboom(4) > And Pearl is holding my most prized possessions ransom.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > What? Since when?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Eel_Master(Frye) > Then why not use our song names like with Boss Marie and her assistant lady

Kaboom(4) > FIrst of all: that fits perfectly.

■Webmaster■ > Admin has changed 1 screen name.

Boss.Marie(2) > Really?

Kaboom(4) > And I hadn’t heard of Deep Cut until that meeting, so I haven’t heard any of your songs.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What?

Eel_Master(Frye) > HOW?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > We should have seen that coming really

Boss.Marie(2) > Agent 4 isn’t very cultured.

Kaboom(4) > I would argue…

Stinky(Cap3) > You can’t. You literally have no taste.

BIGMAN > Is that the actual meaning of literally? 

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It is true. I watched him drink a bowl of salsa once.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It was terrifying.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > LOL I remember that.

Eel_Master(Frye) > UUUUMMM?????

Kaboom(4) > Not the weirdest thing I’ve drunk.

Eel_Master(Frye) > UUUUUUMMMMMM??????

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What was, dare I ask?

Kaboom(4) > 3 whole fish, a full bottle of hot sauce, potato soup and a rock. All blended together. 

Eel_Master(Frye) > …

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > …

BIGMAN > I’m gonna be sick

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Me too

Kaboom(4) > Did I not tell you guys about this?

Boss.Marie(2) > NO! When was this?

Kaboom(4) > About 5 years ago. Right after my team won that big tourney.  

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > How did you blend FISH BONES?!

Stinky(Cap3) > Forget that! How did you blend a ******* ROCK!?

Kaboom(4) > It was engine powered.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > What was? The blender? Who would do that?

Stinky(Cap3) > So this was Davey’s doing?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Definitely something he would make.

Kaboom(4) > It was Davey.

Kaboom(4) > He called it the Blendgine. 

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Your friends are weird

Kaboom(4) > He was the Captain’s friend first.

Stinky(Cap3) > Don’t pin his stupid **** on me!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What have we gotten ourselves into?

Eel_Master(Frye) > Haven’t been this scared of someone in my life

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Moving on from our weird friends, where is the new Agent 3? Is he not joining?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Agent 3 doesn’t have a phone.

Boss.Marie(2) > And he can’t read. 

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > WHAT????

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > That's terrible!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Unbelievable! 

Eel_Master(Frye) > **** that’s rough

Eel_Master(Frye) > Really it censors dam with an N?!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > FRYE! Show some more respect! 

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > This is a serious issue!

Eel_Master(Frye) > Chill Shiv!

Eel_Master(Frye) > You’re goin’ all ‘Protective Mom’ mode again

MC.Princess(Pearl) > I guess extreme parental instincts just is an Octoling thing

Stinky(Cap3) > And here I thought 4 was just heartless 

Kaboom(4) > Completely uncalled for.

Kaboom(4) > But not entirely inaccurate. 

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > You admit to that?

Kaboom(4) > You kidding? ******* hate kids.

Kaboom(4) > Little *******

MC.Princess(Pearl) > I even read that in your voice wow

Boss.Marie(2) > Don’t worry

Boss.Marie(2) > He’s been signed up to ‘Studying with Marie, live and in person’ 

Boss.Marie(2) > Whether he realises it or not.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > You’re not actually gonna broadcast it are you?

Boss.Marie(2) > No. That was a joke.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > What Marina said!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I suppose Deep Cut shall extend the offer to help, too.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Or at least I will.

BIGMAN > I gotta admit, I’m starting to care for the little guy

BIGMAN > Count me in too!

Eel_Master(Frye) > HECK YEAH! We’ll have him speakin’ Splatlands-style in no time!

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Guess we’re all helping the kid huh?

Stinky(Cap3) > Well 4 hasn’t confirmed

Stinky(Cap3) > 4? You there?

Kaboom(4) > Alex, I’m gonna kill your boyfriend!

Stinky(Cap3) > Oh cod not again

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > What did Dugol do this time?

Kaboom(4) > He set the ******* hotel’s fire alarms off!

Kaboom(4) > AGAIN!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > The Captain’s name is Alex?

Eel_Master(Frye) > The captain has a boyfriend?! 

BIGMAN > I don’t know which is more shocking!

Stinky(Cap3) > I don’t have to tell you my full name

Stinky(Cap3) > Or explain my love life

Stinky(Cap3) > Back off

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It’s Alexandra.

Stinky(Cap3) > 8!!!!!!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > My name is Olivia.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > And Agent 4 is called Luke.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I’m sure you know who everyone else is. 

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > We’re spiralling wildly off-topic.

Boss.Marie(2) > You’ve only now noticed? 

BIGMAN > Is it always like this?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Pretty much!

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Unless something super serious happens

Eel_Master(Frye) > I think we’ll fit in just fine

Kaboom(4) > I did it, he’s dead.

Stinky(Cap3) > How is your band still together?

Chapter Text

“Alright, Rad, two things are on the agenda today: one, I’m gonna introduce you to a friend of mine and two, we’re buying you some new clothes.” Bahn explained as they walked to the predetermined meeting spot. “Wass wrong with my clothes?” Radio wondered; Bahn bluntly replied, “You look homeless.” Radio stopped and told him “Am homeless.” “You could move in with me.” Bahn informed him, Radio declined with a simple “No thanks.” much to the Octoling’s chagrin. “Well, besides that, your shirt still has blood on it.” he told him. “I couln’t get it t’ wash out!” Radio cried. 

Before they knew it, they’d arrived at the meeting point with an Inkling girl already waiting there who, upon noticing them, waved enthusiastically. “Did we make you wait long?” Bahn asked her but she waved off his concern “Nah, I just got here.” She then turned to Radio and held a hand out, “You must be the friend he wanted me to meet! I’m Hanna Bell, nice to meet ya!” The first thing Radio did was look at her face. Her eyes were a grey-ish green colour, and her mouth was hidden behind a Squidbeak Shield. What that shield didn’t hide so well was her gnashing teeth, which was slightly unsettling to the boy. He tentatively reached out to shake her hand and introduced himself, “Radio Situation. Pleased to make your…acquaintance.” 

“ Did she say her name was Hannibal? ” Buddy suddenly jumped up and asked. “ Uh, no I don’t think so… ” Radio replied but Buddy kept going “ Like famous serial killer Hannibal the Cannibal? ” Radio stopped shaking her hand and turned to Buddy “ Wait. What? ” Unfortunately for it, Hanna grabbed the Smallfry out of the air and was completely enamoured with it. “AWWW! You’re so cute!” she squealed before beginning to rub her face against it and baby talk to it. What she didn’t know is that it sounded a lot like Salmonid and what she was saying was verrrrry strange. Her Squidbeak Shield had also slid down while she was doing this, and she ended up biting Buddy’s fin. Buddy leapt out of her hands and landed on Radio’s shoulder, who himself had stepped back and questioned “You did what with squid rings?” the still shaken Smallfry shrieked “ She bit me! ” and then ran away. “Oi!” Radio called out after it, but it was long gone so he chased after the runaway Salmonid. Bahn and Hanna followed suit.

Buddy had run all the way back to their home and was hiding inside. “What happened?” Bahn asked Radio. “Said she bit ‘em.” he replied while gesturing to Hanna, who was noticeably more out of breath than the other two, “Also, I think it think you’re a can e ball.” she looked at him with a confused expression before Bahn clarified “It’s pronounced cannibal.” “Yeah, that.” Radio confirmed. She moved closer to the dumpster and murmured “I’m sorry, little guy. I didn’t mean it. I’d really like it if we could be friends.” Meanwhile Radio was whispering to Bahn “So wass with th’ chompin’ thing?” Bahn whispered back “It’s something called cute aggression. At least I think so. She’s aware of it so don’t mention it.” Radio gave an affirmative nod and thumbs up. At the same time Buddy slowly stuck its head out from the dumpster, looking scared but seemingly summoning enough courage to deal with it.

Eventually they returned to the shopping district, Buddy staying very close to Radio. Hanna had gone from an overly energetic and friendly girl to a confident and poised woman, strutting alongside the two boys. “I can see why Bahn asked for my help. White and blue are so last year.” she stated, addressing Radio’s shirt. “It- I- Uh, wha’ever…” he started before just giving up. It wasn’t worth explaining. “Likewise, earbuds while not listening to music makes you seem kinda rude. And those shoes? No. Way, pal. We gotta get you some new ones.” “Please, lead the way, Fashion Queen.” Bahn said whilst bowing and ushering her forwards. She leaned over to get a close look at Radio, scrutinising him. “You’re pretty short…” she stated, “How old are you?” “14. Prolly.” he responded. “Even for a 14-year-old you’re short.” she muttered under her breath, but he still heard it and tried not to look hurt.

“Not to worry! We’ll have you lookin’ fresher than a fruit market!” Hanna assuredly stated before pumping a fist into the air and chanted “Weigh hey ho!” Bahn enthusiastically followed along with a smile on his face. Radio was extremely confused and could only wonder to himself “Who keeps battries in th’ freezer? N’ why’s they so loud ‘bout it?”

Chapter Text

“First up, a shirt. The less time I have to look at…” Hanna gestured to Radio’s torso “...That, the better.” so she led them into Man-o’-Wardrobe where they were greeted by Jel La Fleur. 

Well, I say greeted but…

“Ah, you are here. Good.” 

Jel La Fleur isn’t exactly a friendly fella, is he?

Jel La Fleur immediately locked his eyes onto Radio and shuffled towards him “I see that you are a fresh and fashionable person, so I will allow you to shop here.” he told him. “Thanks!” Radio replied but Jel La Fleur wasn’t done as he screamed “HOWEVER!” startling the poor boy, “You must respect the merchandise. Filthy hands are a lifetime ban.” slightly shaken, Radio cast a glance at his hands and decided they were fine and began looking around, Hanna and Bahn following behind him. 

Having looked around for a bit, Radio asked a pretty important question, “So, there’s more to it then jus’ wha’ looks good, right?” Before either Hanna or Bahn could respond, Jel La Fleur appeared on his left and asked him “Do you wish to attain the same knowledge as me?” he then shoved a tentacle into Radio’s face and declared “Then prepare to learn!”

After holding the three of them hostage for an hour and lecturing the two unwilling boys and the disinterested girl. They walked out having bought a shirt of Radio’s choosing. They decided to grab a seat before heading to the next shop. “That. was awful.” Radio sighed as he deflated into his seat. “Why did we have to sit through it, too?” Bahn groaned before turning to Hanna, “Thanks for bailin’ us out!” she smiled and replied “No prob! I’ve heard that whole lecture, like, five times now.” 

After regaining their energy, they headed to the shoe store, Crush Station, next and were greeted by Mr. Coco. “Come in, come in! Welcome to Crush Station.” Mr. Coco then loomed over Radio; large eyes unblinkingly focused on him for a second. Then he squealed “Ooo! You are looking FRESH today!” He then leaned back to stop overshadowing the poor boy and told him “But you could look even fresher with something new on your feet. Am I right? Of course I am!” With that, the trio dispersed to look around. Hanna turned around with a shoe box in her hands and asked “Rad, what’s your shoe size?” He thought about it for a moment but eventually just shrugged. “We have equipment to find that out, it’s over here.” Mr. Coco told them before pointing over to the corner behind him. He shuffled over so they could use it. Once they figured it out, they began trying on pairs. It took a while, but they found a pair that fit, were comfortable to walk in and looked good, so they purchased them and left to Mr. Coco thanking them.

The last thing was headgear, so they headed up to Naut Couture, Bahn holding Radio by the back of his shirt until they were in the store proper, where they were greeted by Gnarly Eddy. “Yo…welcome to Naut Couture.” The three of them walked in and started looking around. Nails nudged Eddy to get him to take a closer look at Radio. “Whoa. you're pretty fresh, huh? So, um...we sell stuff that you wear on your head. You know, like hats...and, uh...other head-related gear.” Eddy sounded pretty out of it, but he was doing his job at least. “Hey, Rad, what size head do you have?” Bahn joked, earning a laugh from Radio and a chuckle from Eddy and Nails. They tried on several hats, Hanna having to adjust them, so Radio was wearing them properly, and a few masks and glasses too, but he wasn’t too keen on them. Eventually he chose one, Bahn thought it was ridiculous, but Radio insisted so it stayed. “Nice doin’ Business!” Nails called out as they left.

“Well, that’s everything bought! Now to see it all put together. I’ll show ya to the changing rooms.” Hanna proclaimed. Radio cheered and ran off to jump over the railing to get down to ground level. Bahn grabbed his arms and pulled him back before he fell, telling him “Just take the stairs like a normal person!” he begrudgingly agreed.

Radio emerged from the changing room, shifting uncomfortably a bit before asking “How’d I look?” “I still think the hat looks dumb.” Bahn answered, but Radio insisted “Th’ hat stays!” Bahn decided to admit defeat. Hanna looked quite proud of her work and told him “You pull it off well, kiddo! I could just eat you up!” That turn of phrase caused Buddy to move further away. “Hold on, let’s get a picture of you two!” she called out. 

“I’d call this a successful day” Bahn chuckled, “How about some grub?” 

Chapter Text

It was a normal day in Splatsville for the most part, and we join three friends having lunch together. It was a late lunch, but it was still lunch. The peace and serenity of this lazy afternoon in Splatsville was ruptured when every phone, TV and big screen across the city suddenly started broadcasting the same message. “BIG RUN IS HERE.” There were several reactions to this news. 

A shocked exclamation of “Big Run!” was the most common one, and the reaction from Bahn and Hanna, there was also the excited “ Big Run! ” from the Smallfry peeking out of a certain boy’s hat, and a confused “Big Run?” from the previously mentioned boy. “It’s what we call a Salmon Run that takes place within a major location of Inkopolis or Splatsville.” Bahn explained to him. Radio thought about that for a minute before turning his eyes to Buddy, asking it “ Why are you excited? ” Buddy simply said “ You’re right, I shouldn’t be. Sorry! ” and ducked back under his hat. “Looks like it’s in Wahoo World! We should go help!” Hanna cried out. “You’re right, to Grizzco!” Bahn affirmed and the three set off. Radio raised an important point on the way, though. “Bahn, ain’t we band from Wahoo World?” Hanna was the first to stop, asking them “How’d you manage that?” The boys both responded with a simultaneous “Long story.” before Bahn turned to Radio and told him “I hardly think that matters right now!”

The trio arrived and signed up for Big Run Volunteering. There were six people there signed up. Bahn, Hanna and Radio as well as three people they hadn’t met. There was also a staff member addressing the group. “We’re glad to have you all eager to help.” She began, before pointing a fin at Radio and Bahn, shocking the two, and saying “Except you two, you’ve got a lifetime ban from Wahoo World and that isn’t changing.” The two stood there, bewildered, for a moment until Radio shrugged, his Slopsuit magically disappearing, and turned to leave with a short “Bye!” Bahn shortly followed, doing the same, wishing them “Good luck!” Hanna turned to them, surprised and yelled at them “You’re just gonna leave me here?!” Bahn waved her off, reassuring her “I’ll tell your family.” Radio couldn’t be seen but his voice echoed down with a cheerful “Break an egg!” Bahn called up to him “It’s ‘break a leg’” as he made his way upstairs too. Radio’s voice once again carried down, “S’what I meant!” Leaving Hanna all alone, and much more scared.

When the two boys returned to the surface, they were met by two unexpected sights the first was the swirling red sky, although, no one seemed all that bothered by it, so they just ignored it. The second was a woman staring at them. “Captain?!” the pair realised. Indeed, the Captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon was waiting for them. “Agent 3, I never took you for the type to do Salmon Run.” she joked. “M’not. Only Salmon Running I do’s when Buddy runs off!” Radio joked back. “We were trying to sign up for Big Run but, apparently, our lifetime ban from Wahoo World still applies when the place is flooded and being destroyed.” Bahn explained to her. “How did you get a lifetime ban from there? I’m pretty sure we’ve started an all-out war in the food court and only got a 2-month ban.” The two went into deep thought for a moment. Eventually Radio turned to Bahn and asked him “War’ it th’ wizard or the balloons?” Bahn replied “Oh, I thought it was the broken Ferris wheel.” the Captain had a look of terror on her face and told them “Know what? I don’t wanna know…”

“So, what are you here for? If you don’t mind me asking?” Bahn wondered. She told them “I had an idea to run by you guys.” Radio leaned in and Bahn urged her on. “So, we have a Chatroom for all the Splatoon members to communicate. I’d normally invite you directly, Agent 3, but…” “If a Chatroom’s what I think it is, I sea th’ problems.” Agent 3 filled in for her. The Captain continued “So my idea was, to have your friend here join in your stead. He already knows about two of our four big missions and you two seem to spend a lot of time together.” Radio and Bahn exchanged a few looks before nodding to each other and giving the Captain a thumbs up.

They exchanged contact information and Bahn was added to the chat. Radio spent the rest of the day just loitering around Splatsville.

Chapter Text

Stinky(Cap3) > As you were all previously made aware of, Agent 3 does not have a phone

Stinky(Cap3) > So we’ve found a middle man for him

■Webmaster■ > Bahn has joined the Chatroom.

Bahn > Hello

Eel_Master(Frye) > HEY!

Eel_Master(Frye) > It’s Bahn!

Boss.Marie(2) > You know this guy?

BIGMAN > Of course!

BIGMAN > Everybody knows Bahn!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > He’s the friendliest guy in Splatsville!

Bahn > Wasn’t aware I had a reputation

Kaboom(4) > Are you…

Kaboom(4) > Sure this is a good idea?

Kaboom(4) > Not to be rude or anything but, like…

Bahn > Nah you’re good

Kaboom(4) > He’s just some guy.

Kaboom(4) > How do we know he’s trustworthy?

Stinky(Cap3) > Agent 3 already told him everything

Stinky(Cap3) > and, it turns out, he knew me when I was Agent 3 too

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > What? How?

Boss.Marie(2) > Captain, what haven’t you told us?

Bahn > May or may not have been involved with the capture of the Great Zapfish 7 years ago

Bahn > And also the capture Cap’n Cuttlefish a few days after that

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > YOU WAHT

Boss.Marie(2) > YOU WHAT

Boss.Marie(2) > Explain yourself! NOW!

Bahn > Tell the old man I’m sorry!

Eel_Master(Frye) > What what what?

BIGMAN > Did we miss something?

Kaboom(4) > So you’re an Octoling?

Bahn > Yep

■Webmaster■ > DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) has joined the Chatroom

■Webmaster■ > MC.Princess(Pearl) has joined the Chatroom

■Webmaster■ > Poetry_In_Motion(8) has joined the Chatroom

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Why is my phone blowing up? 

MC.Princess(Pearl) > AYO! New person!?

Kaboom(4) > Read up, Pearl

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > I just finished doing that, and um…

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Bahn, your story doesn’t add up. 

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > That’s what I was thinking, too.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > For you to have been involved in the things you say you have, you’d either be DJ Octavio or a dead man.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > You are referring to Commander Echo, aren’t you?

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > You remembered him, 8?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Only that he was very mean!

Bahn > Then you are all blind and incompetent fools!

Bahn > To think, even the ‘brilliant’ Marina Ida couldn’t see through my deception.

Bahn > It disappoints me to think we were once colleagues.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Holy carp, never mind!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I thought you looked familiar!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > But you’re so nice!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > How can you be that same arrogant boy?

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > We all thought you died!

Bahn > Good, my plan worked then

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Plan?

Bahn > Fake my death so no one would look for me and get a full fresh start.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > We mourned, damnit! 

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Give me back the tears I shed!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Marina, you left the day after!

Kaboom(4) > Hate to interrupt this touching(?) reunion, but someone please explain what’s happening.

Bahn > I was a commander in the Octarian army and one of the pilots responsible for the capture of the Great Zapfish (the only one who did his job properly) I was also responsible for the capture of Cap’n Cuttlefish and the one who was flying the UFO he was tied to during DJ Octavio’s concert 7 years ago. I faked my death by crashing and made my way to Splatsville to become a new man. 

Kaboom(4) > Neato!

Stinky(Cap3) > Cool let’s move on

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > HOLD ON!

Stinky(Cap3) > No

Boss.Marie(2) > I have several questions!

Stinky(Cap3) > Ask em later we’ve got things to do!

Stinky(Cap3) > That’s an order!

Boss.Marie(2) > Fine.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > This an abuse of power! 

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > But fine.

Stinky(Cap3) > So, Bahn, how’s Agent 3?

Bahn > Rad’s fine

Bahn > We just bought him some new gear

Eel_Master(Frye) > OOO! Send pics!

Bahn > Surprised he let me he’s not too fond of having his picture taken

BIGMAN > AY! Kid’s lookin fresh!

Boss.Marie(2) > Smallfry’s looking good!

Boss.Marie(2) > And Agent 3 too

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > That hat is ridiculous.

Eel_Master(Frye) > I LOVE IT!

Kaboom(4) > Nice camera quality.

Bahn > Shush

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Seeing Smallfry reminded me,

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > What happened during Big Run?

Kaboom(4) > Oh **** that happened! Where?

BIGMAN > At Wahoo World

Kaboom(4) > Eh, should have let them keep it.

Kaboom(4) > Wahoo World sucks.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Kaboom(4) > Why should I?

Kaboom(4) > It’s a **** theme park and even worse for Turf!

Kaboom(4) > Who thought having the main entry to Mid not be there for half the match was a good idea?

Kaboom(4) > And the only flank options are the obvious uninkable pathway and the slowly rotating and very obvious low route!

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Fresh Fish is going to come get you when you go to sleep in the next 24 hours!

Kaboom(4) > Jokes on him, I just woke up!

Kaboom(4) > And have to drive for the next 30 hours!

Kaboom(4) > With that said, goodbye!

■Webmaster■ > Kaboom(4) has left the Chatroom.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Coward

Bahn > We did sign up for Big Run

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What’s the ‘but’?

Bahn > Even with the place flooded and full of rampaging Salmonid our lifetime ban is still active.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > LIFETIME BAN?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > HOW?

Bahn > Long story

Bahn > Let’s just say it involves a wizard, 37 balloons, Buddy and a runaway ferris wheel

Eel_Master(Frye) > …

Stinky(Cap3) > Glad I decided to stop you when you first mentioned it

Bahn > My friend still got in though

Bahn > Hope she did OK

Bahn > Also just remembered I gotta do something

Bahn > Bye!

Stinky(Cap3) > We’ll let you know if anything comes up that Agent 3 needs to be informed of

Bahn > Gotcha!

■Webmaster■ > Bahn has left the Chatroom.

Chapter Text

Radio was just doing as he does, wandering around in the dark trying to find the train station to get back to the city when in the distance he noticed something, a campfire. “ Someone’s camping on our turf. ” he whispered to Buddy. The two got closer, eventually hiding behind a large rock to spy on whoever it was. Radio pulled out a scope from his backpack to get a closer look at them only to realise, “ Oh, it’s Deep Cut… ” this got the Smallfry’s attention, prompting it to snatch the scope from the boy’s hand and look through it itself. Now knowing they weren’t a threat he decided to just go up and say hi.

“ Why do they have two tents? ” Buddy wondered aloud. “ Have you seen Big Man? He probably needs his own tent. ” Radio replied, which prompted another question, “ Does that mean Shiver and Frye sleep together? ” After a brief moment of silent thought Radio just shrugged and asked, “ Does it really matter? ” Buddy responded, “ Guess it doesn’t. ” 

The walk there wasn’t a particularly silent or stealthy affair, but he still managed to get to their camp without anyone noticing, so he announced his presence with a short “Hi!” which made the two girls jump. Big Man was off in the distance doing his own thing and still wasn’t aware. Shiver was the first to regain her composure, so she asked, “What are you doing here?” her voice was cutting and cold. Radio sat down and pulled out a map telling them “This's my turf. Figure I show up.” Shiver and Frye briefly exchanged shocked looks before Shiver hid behind her fan while Frye gave a sheepish “Whoops! Sorry!” He put the map away and reassured them “Iss fine, I’ll let it slide. Once.” Frye gave a big smile and Shiver closed her fan, commenting “You’re too kind.”

“S’prised ya din fall in any holes.” Radio offhandedly muttered only to hear Big Man shout “A-AY!? (WHAT!?)” followed by a thump. “ Maybe I should just shut my mouth… ” he sighed to himself as Shiver and Frye went to go see what happened. Radio picked himself up and followed too. “You OK, big guy?” Frye asked the fallen Manta Ray. “A-Ay… (Who put a hole here?)” “Me.” Radio informed them before asking, “Less there’s hole diggin’ monster I ain’t know about?” Big Man shot up at the mention of “A-a-ay?! (M-m-monster?!)” and leapt out of the hole before running off to the campsite. “Haven’t seen him run that fast since we were kids.” Frye mumbled before running off after him. Shiver and Radio just walked back.

Big Man sat very close to the fire and held Frye with both his fins. When Shiver and Radio arrived, he quickly grabbed them too. “Not that I don’t like your hugs, Big Man, but what’s this about?” Shiver asked, the manta ray responded “Ay! (I’m protecting you from the monster!)” so Radio decided to clarify “Was a joke, there’s no monster. I dug that hole.” he then felt his bag shake and added “Also, Buddy’s bein’ squashed.” At that Big Man let go of them and Radio immediately moved. Smallfry jumped out while taking a dramatic inhale and started running about. Shiver and Frye decided to stay close to Big Man.

Once everyone (Except Buddy) calmed down and got food cooking, Shiver asked “How does one guy get so much turf for himself?” Radio told them “He doesn’t.” Buddy then slid up beside him, “Two guys though…” Frye gasped in shock, “How does it help?!” the Smallfry began to explain “ Being a civilised Salmonid, the only one in Splatsville, gives a lot of influence! Especially with those who know of our culture. They all know to fear those who hold the title of ‘True Follower of Saint -” Radio cut him off and simplified the explanation, “Bein’ one of a kind in Splatsville has its perks.” Buddy squawked “ Hey! I wasn’t done! ” Radio told him “ It doesn’t matter, they can’t understand you anyway! ” Frye interrupted their argument with another question “How’d you two meet?” so he turned to face the trio and regale them with the story.

“It happened when I was baby. Buddy found me alone on th’ street, left there to fend for m’self. Looked after me and made sure I survived. We’se basiclly family.”  Frye and Big Man had look of shock on their faces, but Shiver looked angry more than anything. “Tell me, would either of you happen to know the whereabouts of these so-called ‘parents’ of yours?” she asked, voice sweet to cover up the malice behind it. The boy looked to his companion who shook its head then looked back at Shiver and said “Nope. Sorry.” Shiver sighed with a firm grip on their fan, fist visibly shaking, and growled. “Ooo~ Shiv’s gettin’ all ‘protective mom’ mode on us~” Frye teased. Shiver turned to her and yelled “I cannot stand the thought of innocent children suffering all alone in the world! Isn’t that way we became bandits in the first place? To help the needy?” “Right, you're right! Stop snarling at me, sharky!” Frye admitted with a chuckle. 

While that was happening Big Man asked “Ay? (Is there anything you want to ask us?)” Buddy whispered in his ear “ Ask If they’re in a polycule! ” Radio just looked at it, baffled, and uttered “ In a what? ” he then turned to Big Man and asked “Wass your creative pro sess?” Big Man eagerly replied “Ay! Ay ay. (Oh, that’s easy! I make the music; Shiver writes the lyrics and Frye does the choreography for music videos and live performances.)” Radio then pulled out his book of Sunken Scrolls he found in Alterna and asked, “This you?” The scroll had was titled The Manta Clan's Early-Morning Ritual .

“Ay. (That’s actually my grandfather, Massive Gentleman, when he was younger. People do say I look like him though.)” he informed, before realising “Ay? (Wait. Where did you find this?)” Radio nonchalantly told him “Alterna. Found it while lookin’ for valuables.” he then flipped a page in the book and showed it “Found ones that ‘mind me of Frye n’ Shiver too.” The one he was showing was titled Moray Eel Manipulation: Secret Dances of the Onaga Clan .

“Ay! (Frye, look at this!)” Big Man called out to her. “Hm? What’s-” she wondered before cutting herself off with a gasp and shouting “Where’d you get this!?” while shaking Radio by the collar. “Was in- a balloon- Alterna!” he eventually spat out. Frye stopped shaking him when Shiver asked “You wouldn’t happen to have found something about my clan too, would you?” Radio flipped another page to show a poem with illustrations of a blue Octoling and sharks.

Shiver merely hummed in thought. “Foun’ this too.” Radio flipped another page, this one had newspapers about Deep Cut.

“Ay! (These are from when Anarchy Splatcast first went live!)” Big Man exclaimed. Shiver was much less excited “That begs the question: why were these in Alterna?” Frye just waved it off, “Can’t matter much now, can it? Rad’s already got ‘em and no one else is in Alterna.” 

With that all out of the way and food ready they ate and made merry. When all the food was eaten, they turned in for the night, Radio joining Big Man in his tent. When morning came Radio told them all to leave.

Chapter Text

Deep Cut have just arrived at their studio and are taking the back door to check on a friend. Surprisingly, he’s up and about despite it being early (for Inklings, at least). He was adjusting his gear to fit properly and fiddling with his weapon, a Tri-Stringer, when he noticed their approach. “Hi!” he greeted. Shiver and Frye waved to him while Big Man gave him an “Ay! (Good morning!)” “Since ya here, could’ja watch ‘em for me?” Radio asked as he pointed to Buddy, who was currently styling its hair, Deep Cut had a quick, wordless discussion before Frye eventually decided for them “Sure, why not?” The boy smiled and ran off, presumably to go play Turf War, shouting a quick “Thanks!” as he went. 

“And there he goes…” Shiver mumbled as Radio left. Big Man and Smallfry were just staring at each other until Big Man broke the silence by asking “Ay, ay, ay? (So, about that eating contest, you in?)” Buddy cried “ Oh, you know it! ” and jumped up and down excitedly. They took that as a yes. Frye then called out “Do I hear an Anarchy Splatcast Special comin’ on?” Shiver simply grinned and affirmed, “I think you do, Frye!” Deep Cut and the Salmonid made their way inside. They had a lot to prepare, after all.

“Repping the Splatlands, we are DEEP CUT!” Shiver declared followed by Frye announcing “Anarchy Splatcast! We’re Live!” Although anyone who's seen an episode of the Splatcast before might notice a bit of a different set up. Rather than the usual set they record on, Shiver and Frye stood directly in front of the camera with Big Man nowhere in sight. Shiver then held their open fan right over the camera lens and told the viewers “We have something special lined up today, folks.” Frye then cheered, “Y'all ready for this!?” Shiver’s fan snapped shut and was lifted away as the camera focused in on the scene before it. Two tables were set up, Big Man sat at one and a Smallfry at the other, beside each of them was a chef set up with, and already working away at, the ingredients needed to make Splatsville’s clam to fame, clam mochi. 

Frye sidled up beside Smallfry’s table and Shiver did the same with Big Man’s. “That’s right folks, it’s an eating contest! How you feelin’ Big Man?” Ay! (Like I can’t lose!)” Big Man confidently replied. “And what about you, Little Buddy?” “ On my honour as the True Follower of Saint Tony, Patron Saint of Breaking Legs, I. Will. NEVER. SURRENDER! ” It roared. Well, it roared as loud as something of its size could. Of course, nobody understood what it said.

Except for Radio, but he was busy.

“ PAINT! ZONE!”

“You paint the zone!”

“He’s a backline, moron! Tri-Stringer doesn’t paint!”

“Guys, I- *Splatted by Booyah Bomb*”

Shiver held her fan up and started a countdown, “Alright in 3. 2. 1…” Both Shiver and Frye then yelled “BEGIN!” and Smallfry and Big Man started eating. Big Man would simply shovel the clam mochi into his mouth while Buddy had to run around the plate and swallow them one by one. Despite this it was a virtual dead heat as both were handed their second plates by Shiver and Frye.

Things remained like this for half an hour. Eventually though, the Manta Ray began to slow down but the Salmonid maintained the same pace. It may have even sped up. Regardless, Big Man had no way of catching up and, after an hour and a half of eating, Big Man tapped out “Ay… (I’m done…)” upon hearing that Frye scooped Buddy up and held him aloft, declaring “We have a winner!” 

 “GG’s all round!”

“Yeah, good game.”

“We’ll get ya next time!”

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

“Bye!” 

When Radio exited the Lobby, Bahn was there to greet him. “How’d your first Anarchy Battle Series go?” Radio just shrugged “jus’ ‘bout broke even.” Bahn tried to encourage him by saying “You’ll get ‘em next time, don’t worry.” He then pulled out his phone, telling him “You should probably see this.” It was playing the current Anarchy Splatcast. 

“ That little bastard! ”

“Catch ya later!” 

With that the camera stopped rolling and Deep Cut relaxed. Good thing too, because Radio then came through the door and pointed an accusing finger at Buddy, “ How could you! ” he cried. Buddy pushed its current plate towards the boy, “ I’m sorry! I couldn’t turn down the challenge! Forgive me! ” Frye broke up the argument by asking a very important question, “How’d you get in here?” Radio pointed to the door and just said “Door.” “Ay? (How’d you get to the door?)” Big Man questioned. “Vents.” was the response he got.

Shiver screamed “Who keeps leaving the vents open?!” 

Chapter Text

Anarchy Splatcast are holding a special contest where the winner will get to spend the day with Deep Cut! Simply call

 07719558230

 for a chance to win. 

The contest entry time will be announced on air, stay tuned!

( Please don’t actually call that number, it’s not real. Or it might be. It sure as hell ain’t mine I know that.)

Needless to say, the people of Splatsville were hyped! Who wouldn’t want to spend the day with the city’s biggest celebrities? What they didn’t know was that the ‘contest’ was rigged and an elaborate ruse to do something nice for a friend without it being suspicious. What they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em, yeah?

“Ay! (Get your phones ready folks because it’s time!)” Big Man cheered. “That’s right, our contest is beginning. Right now!” Shiver explained before Frye shouted “You heard her, GET TO IT!” People around the city fumbled with their phones to call the ‘right’ number, but by the time they’d done it the winner had already been chosen. “Welcome to Anarchy Splatcast, you’re live!” Shiver stated. “Um, hi…” a shy voice replied from the TV’s speakers and Frye couldn’t hold it any more and yelled “CONGRATS! You won! How do you feel?” the caller stuttered for a bit before answering “N-nervous…” Shiver stifled a giggle and told him “Well, we won’t force you to talk. Meet us behind our studio when we finish and we’ll get things started.” The caller hung up and Deep Cut did their regular outro of “Catch ya later!”

Deep Cut emerged out the back of their studio and were met by Radio, the ‘lucky’ winner of the contest, who was handing Bahn his phone back. It was a pretty brilliant plan, all things considered, to put a fake phone number on the posters and give the real phone number to them to guarantee they’d win. Bahn asked them, “Was all this necessary?” Frye answered with “Of course! We can’t just bring someone into our home with no explanation, what would the press think?!” Shiver continued on for her, “This way people will think he’s just a lucky stranger and we won’t have to explain anything.” Big Man excitedly added “Ay! (Now we can get those drinks you promised when we became friends!)” “I don’t trust any of you with alcohol. Least of all her.” Bahn stated, pointing at Frye who gave an offended gasp. Before she could argue back Bahn turned away and with a wave over his head told them “Have fun, don’t kill anyone!” and Super Jumped away.

With Bahn gone Frye pulled out her phone to take a picture, her standing in front, Shiver stood next to Radio and Big Man making up the background. When he noticed, Radio quickly pulled his hat over his face. “Aw man, thought I had you that time.” Frye sulked before shrugging, “Eh. Still goin’ on socials!” While Frye was busy posting the image on social media Big Man asked “Ay? (Where’s Buddy?)” so Radio lifted his hat up to reveal the Smallfry sitting on his head. “Alright let’s stop standing around here and get to our place.” Shiver decided. “Lead the way!” Radio cheered and they set off.

“And here we are!” Frye announced as she gestured to the building in front of them “Our home!” Radio dumbly stated “Biggeran I expected…” “Ay! Ay! (Of course it’s big! I live there!)” Big Man chuckled. Shiver questioned him, “What were you expecting?” “Somethin’...” Radio started only to get lost and start waving his hands everywhere to find the right word, eventually landing on “...humblier…” Frye corrected him “You mean ‘humbler’” Shiver leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, which got a reaction from Frye. “It is?!” she cried, her face a blushing mess, before she realised “Wait. Why do you know that?” Shiver waved her off with their fan “Let us not get bogged down with who knows what and why. Let’s go inside!” With that Shiver opened the front door and ushered the boy inside, the rest following behind him.

(Don’t Google humbler, worst mistake of my life)

If he thought the outside was big then the interior was HUGE! Radio was feeling a little overwhelmed at the sheer size of it all. The reason for everything being so big waddled up next to him and said “Ay? Ay! (Huge, right? The perfect place for someone like me.)” Frye then came up and slapped him on the back “C’mon, we’ll give you a tour!” she told him and walked off, Radio following shortly after realising what she said. “Obviously we’re in the foyer right now.” She pointed to a door on the right and explained “There’s a bathroom in there, for emergencies, and over there…” She pointed to a door on the left “...is storage cupboard number one!” Shiver came up from behind and mentioned “There’s 12 storage cupboards scattered about the estate,” the next part was addressed to Frye “Don’t show off all of them.” 

Eventually the foyer opened up even wider into a new room. “Welcome to the sitting room!” Frye revealed. “Izzat different to a living room?” the boy wondered aloud. “Ay! (No, they’re the same.)” Big Man answered as he shuffled past. The manta ray settled into the sofa and said “Ay! (Feel free to grab a seat.)” Shiver and Frye were quick to join him and Buddy slithered out from under Radio’s hat as well. Radio slowly made his way over and sat down. The sofa was much too big for him, even sitting on the edge left his feet dangling, and he commented “Seat’s biggeran my house…” Shiver leaned over and said “It wouldn’t be if you moved in with your friend~” Radio gave her an unimpressed look, “Bahn tell ya t’ say that?” Shiver pushed herself back up and shrugged “Can’t tell him we didn’t try.” Frye was attempting to take another picture but Radio once again noticed and hid his face with his hat. This photo showed Shiver and Frye leaning over Big Man and Radio a distance away, Buddy was hidden behind him. “C’mon! You’re too good at dodging photos!” Frye complained, but she still posted it. 

Shiver had taken the lead for this next area. “Welcome to one of my personal favourite parts of this house.” She pointed to a door leading outside and gave its name “The Shark Tank!” As you’d expect, it was a swimming pool full of sharks. “It’s a lovely place for my lovely sharks!” she happily explained before slyly adding “And it doubles as an effective torture device!” “AY! (Not that we’re going to use it like that today!)” Big Man interjected. “Right, right…” Shiver confirmed but also said “There is one who wishes to see you again, though.”

Shiver turned to look at the pool and called out “Master Mega!” and a shark fin started speeding towards them, eventually the whole shark emerged above the water and stopped just shy of the edge of the pool. The megalodon's eyes immediately locked on to Radio who tentatively approached at Shiver’s urging. He carefully placed a hand on its snout and told it “Sorry I shot you n’ thanks for helpin’ launch me into space.” Master Mega smiled(?) and accepted the apology and thanks. This time Shiver tried snapping a picture but Radio once again managed to hide his face. “Tch, you are good…” Shiver admitted while posting the picture. 

They were now on the basement floor with Frye pushing Radio forwards. He was mostly going through with it but thinking about why he was being pushed. Then he realised, “Are there eels down here?” Frye didn’t respond. So he turned to try and run only for Frye to grab him and sling him over her shoulder with surprising ease. “Wow! You’re light, Rad!” the boy just grumbled so Frye kept talking. “I mean, I am the strongest one here!” she bragged while flexing her free arm before her voice became filled with concern “But seriously, that was too easy. Are you eating enough?” 

Meanwhile Big Man leaned over to Shiver and whispered “Ay… (Shiver you’re staring.)” The Octoling replied “I’m looking respectfully.” from behind her fan, eyes locked onto Frye’s abs.

They walked into a room that looked more like a cave, the walls made of stone with several holes burrowed through them. Frye called out “Eels! Get your wriggly butts out here!” and a, quite frankly, absurd number of eels emerged from every hole in the room. Radio was not happy. Frye put him down and told him “Cheer up, sourpuss! Think of it like exposure therapy!” He explained “Not scared of eels!” one of the eel swarms started coming towards him but he expertly dodged out of the way, “Jus’. Don’t. Like. ‘Em!” each word punctuated by the swift evasion of another fry of eels. “There’s a story there, wanna tell us?” Frye asked but got a quick response of “NO!” followed by a squid flying past her head and out of the room. “Sheesh, musta’ been bad…” 

Upon reaching the top of the stairs Big Man stated “Ay! (This is my floor!)” Buddy slipped out from under Radio’s hat and asked “ The whole floor?! ” the manta ray walked with exaggerated swagger and explained “Ay ay! (Yep, I need my space after all!)” The place was kind of a mess. Sheets of paper lay strewn about the floor and stuck to the walls in every room and every corner had some kind of instrument occupying it. One of the rooms was just a huge computer setup. 

Buddy rushed inside the room while Radio waited outside. “You can go in, you know.” Shiver informed him but she just shook his head “Don’t wanna knock summit over.” “Ay! (This is where the magic happens! Where every Deep Cut song gets finished!)” Big Man explained. Frye carried on, explaining “And where the epic gaming marathons take place!” the manta ray nodded “Ay ay! (Our ping is immaculate.)” 

Radio didn’t know what that meant and Buddy was too transfixed by all the RGB lights to pay attention.

They were now on the top floor. A smaller living room with two side rooms. Frye led them over to one and said “This is Shiver’s room!” Said person then rushed in front to block the door, moving faster than she’d ever been seen doing before, and yelled “Hold on a second!” She looked quite frantic. “How old are you, Radio?” she asked. “Prolly 14” Radio answered. Shiver leaned in close to his face and sternly told him “Well if you want to live to 15 you’ll follow this advice: Never go into a woman’s room, go through her draws or touch her hair without permission!” She then entered her room and closed the door behind her. “Guess we’ll do my room first…” Frye stated after witnessing that sudden outburst.

As soon as she entered her room, Frye removed the shawl she was wearing and flung it into a corner and started to remove her baggy pants as well. Radio averted his eyes but Frye told him “Relax, I’m wearing leggings!” Radio slowly turned to face her and saw…

Yeah, she was. 

“Welcome to my room!” she proclaimed and Radio took a look around. It was very…Frye. Lots of yellow, a hole in the wall that probably led to the eel basement and things everywhere. Discarded clothes, random bits of trash and cheap novelty items mixed in with valuables. “Gee, I’m feelin’ kinda self-conscious about my room now.” she said with a nervous chuckle. Buddy suddenly squeaked and they both looked to see what was up. Radio saw what it had found and immediately decided the ceiling was verrry interesting while Frye ran over to grab it, shoving it into a drawer. “I’m…sorry you saw that.” Frye grimly apologised. Radio left the room without saying anything.

(Use your imagination.)

Shiver exited her room just in time to see Radio do the same from Frye’s room, staring at the ceiling and looking horrified. Frye followed looking extremely embarrassed. “Well…you may now enter my room.” She told them and they both turned to her. Shiver had changed clothes while she was in there, now wearing a baggy shirt and jeans. She opened the door to her room and beckoned them forwards “Come. I shall show you around.” 

If Frye’s room was very Frye then Shiver’s room was very Shiver. The place was tidy, everything in a place with a purpose, not one thing seemed strange or suspicious. Not to Radio or Buddy anyway. Frye immediately noticed something off and took note of a large box by the bed that wasn’t there before. So she walked over to open it. Shiver saw this and sat on top of the box. Unamused, Frye simply said “Shiver…” Playing innocent, Shiver responded “Frye?” 

Frye lifted Shiver up and opened the box, ignoring Shiver’s protests. “I knew it!” She shouted and Radio peeked inside to see... Plushies. An entire army’s worth of plushies. Shiver starte d thrashing around in Frye’s arms, screaming “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ANYONE! IF THIS GETS OUT I’M COMING FOR YOU! BOTH OF YOU!”

It’s now dinner time. Radio, Buddy and Big Man were chatting at the dining table while Shiver and Frye were in the kitchen. Shiver was looking through all the food they had and Frye was messaging the NSS Chatroom

Eel_Master(Frye) > Bahn what food does Rad like?

Bahn > Anything

Bahn > Put food in front of him and he’ll eat it

Eel_Master(Frye) > But what if he doesn’t like what we give him?

Bahn > You’ll know he’ll say it tastes bad

Bahn > He’ll still eat it but he’ll say it tastes bad

Eel_Master(Frye) > Why would he keep eating it?

Bahn > Beggars can’t be choosers you know

“He give you any ideas, Frye?” Shiver asked her. “Bahn just said he’ll eat anything, soooo… Just make whatever?” Shiver smirked, “I can work with that.”

Soon the table was being set and food was being brought out. The food being anything and everything the pair could think to make. “Ay! (Thanks, you two.)” Big Man called to them as they set things up. Radio was too busy drooling to do the same. Although, they didn’t seem to mind. Once everyone was set up and seated He immediately started shovelling food into his mouth. Until Shiver stopped him. “Slow down, you’ll give yourself a stomach ache.” she warned him, then she asked “Would you like me to cut it up for you?” 

If Frye and Big Man noticed her coddling the boy, they made no mention of it. But Frye was definitely taking notes for the ‘stuff to tease Shiver with’ file. She just wasn’t going to use it now. 

Buddy had been given his own food and was eating it like a hungry lawnmower.

Chapter Text

Radio awoke and had to remember where he was, a guest room at Deep Cut’s home. The first thing he noticed was that it was quiet. Too quiet. After getting properly dressed he made his way to the front door. Finding no one on his way there. The front door was locked. Then he heard a familiar sound, the sound of a Tri-Stringer being charged. Instinctively he ducked for cover, which just so happened to be inside storage cupboard number one, as three arrows collided with the front door. “Damn!” Shiver cursed. She went to open the closet but found the door wouldn’t budge. Radio was holding it closed. “Very funny…” She grumbled while trying to force it open. Eventually it did open and Shiver was met with the business end of a Tri-Stringer in her face, so she moved out of the way as it fired. Radio bolted from the storage cupboard and ran through the foyer back to the sitting room. Expertly dodging Frye’s surprise attack with a charged slash from a Splatana Wiper and deflecting Big Man’s Splat Bomb with his foot. 

“At last, the time of my revenge is at hand!”

“OH YEAH, rematch baby!”

“Ay… (Sorry about this…)”

The fight was on! Radio’s first idea was to throw Smallfry at medium Frye as a distraction since she was the closest and had a melee weapon. Which worked, as Buddy latched onto her hair and started swinging itself around. “OW! Ow ow ow ow OW!” she cried out while trying to stop the slippery Salmonid. Radio then ran for it and ended up in the kitchen finding a conveniently open vent which he climbed into. 

With Shiver’s help Frye managed to detach Buddy from her hair only for it to poke Shiver in the eye with a spoon and run off in a different direction. “Well great, now we’ve lost both of them.” Frye complained but Shiver reassured them, once she finished rubbing her eye, “There’s no way for them to have gotten out of this building, we’ll find them eventually.” “Ay! (And there’s no way they can avoid all of my traps!)” Big Man followed up. The group of three split up to find the pair rampaging through their house.

Radio, somehow, found his way onto Big Man’s floor and tried to exit the vents only to step on an Ink Mine, giving away his location to the idols and all he could say was “Oh…” and he started making his way to the top floor. Deep Cut all began to head up the stairs as well. 

They believed they had Agent 3 cornered and Shiver prepared a shot, aimed straight at the boy, who was standing still for some reason. Suddenly she felt something grab the back of her hair and pull her down causing the arrows to hit the ceiling instead. Smallfry had dragged Shiver to the floor and Radio followed it up with a perfectly angled arc to hit Shiver with all three arrows. She had been splatted and her soul drifted off with a grumble to go respawn. Frye started chasing him around the room while Big Man hurled every sub weapon under the sun at him. To his surprise, Agent 3 started running towards him forcing the manta ray to back up. The Smallfry suddenly ran behind him and opened the door he had backed up towards. It was a storage cupboard and Big Man found himself buried under an avalanche of stuff. “Ay ay… (Well played…)” he muttered. “Just you and me, Agent 3! Ready for a butt whoopin’?” Radio just picked up a lamp from a nearby table and asked “Zis important?” Frye told him “Nah, it’s just a lamp.” and then he threw it through a window. A baffled Frye just yelled “WHY?!” Radio turned and ran towards the now broken window and called back “So long, Dracula!” before jumping out into the front garden and hauling ass away from there. Buddy doing the same.

Shiver re-entered the room only to see Big Man slowly wriggle out from under a pile of junk and Frye sink to the floor “What happened?” she asked, Frye groaned back “Ugh, total defeat…”

Chapter Text

Radio was wandering the desert near the Crater, Buddy comfortably sat in his backpack, looking for treasure but mostly just meandering about. It was quiet today. Hardly anything could be heard, just the gentle desert breeze and the boy’s own footsteps. 

This peaceful silence wasn’t meant to last and was shattered by ink being fired and…laughter? Radio’s immediate response was to take cover behind a large rock. The laughter reminded him of Shiver, but there’s no way she’d be out here right now, Anarchy Splatcast should still be live. He slowly peeked out from behind the rock and saw something that made him freeze: Fuzzy Octolings. There were two of them that he could see, standing guard at the doors of an old abandoned train car. 

The first thing he did was equip his Hero Gear, thankful to the Captain who showed him a quick change technique, and wake up Buddy. “ Octolings ahoy, Bud. And not the friendly kind! ” he whisper-shouted, which was enough to get the Smallfry to crawl out and take a look for itself. Buddy peaked out from behind the rock and quickly jumped back down after barely a second. “ That’s bad… ” it mumbled before summoning its courage and saying “ OK, you wait here. I’ll scout them out. ”

With a plan in place, Agent 3 sank down while Buddy slipped away to go observe them. While waiting he decided to try and contact any other members of the Splatoon for help, but all he got on the other end was annoying static so he turned the headset back off. It was just the two of them for this. When Buddy returned to view the pair had a way to communicate from long distance without words.

Agent 3 raised an open hand. Buddy jumped seven times. Agent 3 then closed his hand and Buddy jumped five times. Agent 3 held up two fingers and Buddy mimicked writing. Agent 3 then lifted his other hand and Buddy didn’t move.

To translate that: There’s seven Fuzzy Octolings, five armed and two with notepads. No bystanders around. 

Agent 3 turned around and was met with a Fuzzy Octoling. So there were eight, not seven. “ Found you! ” she whispered with a manic grin, and probably wide eyes if they were visible. She was scribbling furiously on a notepad, occasionally glancing up at him. The only time she stopped was when Agent 3 tried to speak, instead she put a hand to his mouth to stop him before slowly retracting it while shushing him. Eventually, she got closer. Too close, in fact. 

So Agent 3 headbutted her. 

The Octoling fell back, seemingly no longer in their studying stupor, and called out “ There’s an interloper here! ” getting the attention of their comrades. “ Shit! ” Agent 3 blurted and jumped out of his hiding place to group up with Buddy as the one of the two guarding the train car immediately set off towards him, the other alerting the rest of their squad before following. What these Octolings Didn’t know, though, was that they were on HIS turf. As the two Octolings ran for him, weapons raised and fangs bared, the ground suddenly gave out below them and they fell in a hole. Agent 3 saw the notepad Octoling running for the train car and made his way there too, dropping a Splat Bomb in the hole as he passed. 

When he got inside he was met with the five of the six remaining Octolings, the three with notepads at the back while the two armed ones blocked him off from them. The last one came crashing in through the window behind him. Fighting in cramped spaces isn’t easy, but Agent 3 was definitely at an advantage here. Sure he was outnumbered but that just meant bumping into someone wouldn’t be as much of an issue and with him having a shooter weapon he could still use it to its full extent, possibly even more dangerous due to the Hero Shot’s large spread in a confined space. 

The one who crashed through the window was the first to move, attempting to swing their Octobrush and slap him in the back of the head, only for their Octobrush to get caught on one of the chairs. Buddy was the one to retaliate by throwing itself at them and eating their face off. 

The two in front weren’t doing too well either. One had a roller but couldn’t swing it at all, horizontal flings would get stuck on chairs before hitting the ground and vertical flicks would hit the ceiling, the other had a brella but couldn’t open the canopy or fire due to being behind the roller Octoling. Agent 3 just opened fire and splatted both of them in a row.

The unarmed Octolings had just managed to get out of the train car and were running. Agent 3 climbed out from the broken window and took a running leap off the other end of the car, getting above their heads and activating a Splashdown, splatting all three. Afterwards everything was silent. Deciding the problem was dealt with, Agent 3 returned to his regular Desert Survival Gear (Patent Pending) and went to go cover up that hole again.

The Fuzzy Octolings  respawned, heads hung low, all of them dejected. Except one who was looking at their notepad, smiling as she mumbled “ We’ll meet again… ” 

“ We should probably tell the New Squidbeak Splatoon, right? ” Buddy asked. Radio nodded but stated “ Hope we never meet that lot again, though. ”

Chapter Text

May 27th 2015

Commander’s log: 

It’s finally time for the King’s plan to begin in full force. Technically we started November 5th last year, but the plan to rile the Inklings up with music from Turquoise October kinda…didn’t work. At all. This plan should go much better though. I’m involved, after all. We’ll be striking in the dead of night, ground troops will move into the city and take every Zapfish they can find (which should be all of them, if the ‘Elites’ can keep their heads on straight) while a three craft group of UFOs (Led by me, of course) will capture and contain the city’s Great Zapfish. My team should be in and out in mere minutes, at the very least I will. I just hope those ground troops don’t get lost.

This is finally my chance to prove to all those naysayers that not only am I fully deserving of my rank and position, but that I’m better than them. The best of the best with no equal. I’ll show those washed up has-beens that old coots aren’t needed anymore. It's time for the newer generation to shine. 

May 28th 2015

Commander’s log:

Those incompetent morons! How could they fuck things up that badly! It’s bad enough one of them was caught on camera, but how the hell did one of them crash!  

I warned them that they were flying too high and were going to be spotted! I warned them they were flying too low and were going to hit something! Did they listen? Did they fuck! “What does he know? He’s just a kid!” Now look what’s happened: we’re down a flying machine and we’ve left some pretty damning evidence of what happened. Thankfully I managed to salvage my rank, at least, by reprimanding those buffoons as soon as we landed. They’ve been written up for insubordination and failure to follow orders. All I have to deal with is the fact that those old codgers will think it’s my fault even though I gave clear instructions. It’s not my fault my underlings ignored me. This is why I prefer to work alone.

That said, I successfully made it back with the Great Zapfish in tow and the ground troops, miraculously, made it back with every Zapfish as well. I must say the domes feel brighter already. 

May 30th 2015

Commander’s log:

As I feared the incompetence of my insubordinate subordinates has cost us greatly. This group calling themselves the ‘New Squidbeak Splatoon’ has been running riot through the domes of sectors one and two and are making their way through sector three already. All reports simply tell tales of a single teenage girl splatting her way through every obstacle thrown at her with ease. She seems to be being guided by our long time believed to be ally, Cap’n Cuttlefish. 

Not to worry though, the King has personally approached me with a plan to stop her in her tracks. At the next available chance, when her and Cuttlefish are separated, We’re to swoop in and capture the old fool. Without his guidance the girl will be clueless as to how to proceed and have no choice but to give up. This time I won’t let anything go wrong. 

May 31st 2015

Commander’s log: 

Well, good news and bad news. The good news is, the plan worked perfectly, Cuttlefish has been captured and is tied to the UFO I’m currently flying. Also I’ve been personally chosen by the King himself to watch our prisoner and will have front row seats to his next concert, as I will be flying right next to him with Cuttlefish on board. 

The bad news is, the girl hasn’t stopped. Reports say when she was first found in sector four she seemed lost and confused and was much sloppier in her work but every other kettle has reported her to be just as, if not more, ferocious and efficient which means she’s either figured things out herself or someone new is guiding her. 

At this rate I fear his Majesty will have to step in. I’m not worried he’ll lose but I wouldn’t want to waste his time with this. 

June 3rd 2015

Well, I haven’t done this in a hot minute.

Where do I begin? DJ Octavio failed. I’ll start with that. That girl managed to beat the Octobot King, even with it powered by the Great Zapfish. At first, even though he was being pushed back, it looked like he was winning, the girl was flagging quite heavily but then…

Everything changed.

That music… That Heavenly Melody started playing. The girl seemed to be filled with energy all of a sudden, Octavio seemingly lost control of himself and started dancing. Cuttlefish busted out of his ropes and started dancing as well. I unconsciously drifted closer to the platform, I didn’t notice until Cuttlefish leapt off, but by then it was long over and I wasn’t gonna stick around.

Unsurprisingly the whole valley was in an uproar. “How could the King lose!?” “Who’s in charge now?!” “What’s going to happen to our power?!” 

I headed to my private quarters, grabbed everything of personal (and possibly monetary) value, put it in a bag and slung it into my personal flying machine. That song…I’m still not sure of its name but…it’s been stuck in my head since I first heard it. I needed to know where it came from. If Inklings could make something as…fantastic as that then surely… Surely they can’t be as bad as we’ve been told all our lives, can they?

I set out at first light the next day, only being caught by one lowly Octotrooper on my way out. They asked where I was going so I told them I was going to look for Octavio. He bought my lie and I was out of there. 

Currently I’m in the middle of nowhere. The plan is: get far, far away. As far as possible under the pretence of “They’ve moved our King someplace far off, I’m going to retrieve him, I don’t need backup.” then once I’m far enough away I’ll fake a crash. If all goes as I plan (which it should) all of Octarian society will believe ‘Commander Echo’ to be dead. 

June 10th 2015

Again, It’s been a while.

The plan worked: ‘Commander Echo’ is as good as dead. In his place a new man has been born. My name is now Banner Buzurash, or Bahn for short. It came from the first two things I saw in my new homeland: a banner and me misreading the name ‘Barazushi’.

I’ve ended up in a place called Splatsville, a small town in the middle of a desert. I’m still adapting to the heat but the place itself already feels like home. The number of Octolings here already probably helped. Seriously, the Inkling:Octoling ratio is practically 1:1. To think Octavio had us living under the idea that Inklings were the enemies for so long when here in Splatsville they’ve been coexisting for forever. I sure hope I wasn’t the only one to escape alive. 

With this new identity I shall strive to be a new person. I have become painfully aware of how arrogant and cruel I was before. I believed myself to be superior to all except the King himself, and my attitude showed it. But no more! I shall help those who need help and be humble. Be better.

July 6th 2017

Dear diary,

I was watching TV this afternoon and saw some sort of concert in Inkopolis. Normally I wouldn’t be surprised by this, Inkopolis will take any excuse to party and there’s a concert every week, but it was who I saw that surprised me. My old… Friend? Colleague? Person I kinda existed around? Anyway it was Marina Ida, former combat engineer and member of the Wasabi Supply Unit. Now a DJ and idol, I guess! It’s good to know I’m not the only one who escaped 2 years ago. And It’s nice to see her enjoying herself. 

She and I were in similar situations back in Octo Valley. Prodigies in our fields and youngest members of our units, outcast by those the same age for being too good and outcast by those older than us for being too young. Granted she’s two years older than me but still. We handled our situations differently that’s for sure. She became reserved, quiet, followed orders and kept to herself mostly. I became arrogant, egotistical, stand-offish and aggressive. I can’t help but feel that if we actually talked we would’ve helped each other a lot, she’d reign in my behaviour and I’d help her come out of her shell. No point dwelling on the past, though. It’s not like she needs my help now, she’s got that short girl helping her. Pearl or whatever it said her name was, I didn’t pay that much attention.

She’s living a better life. I’m living a better life. There are others living better lives, and as we speak others make their way, to and fight for, better lives. All I can do is help support anyone who ends up here.

In other news: I got my pilot’s licence today! Now I just need to work on my helicopter licence. Also licence is hard to spell, holy crap.

February 12th 2021

Dear diary,

I ran into a kid today. Or, more specifically, he ran into me. He couldn’t have been much older than 12 or maybe he’d just turned 13. He still looked more squid than kid. Regardless, his Inkling was awful! I asked him where his parents were and he slapped me, so I chased him and dragged him to one of them 'lost-and-found' type places. I can never remember what they're actually called. He said his name was Radio but I didn’t catch if he said his last name was ‘Station’ or ‘Situation’. It was kinda hard to differentiate with how garbled his speech was. 

Maybe turning 20 wasn’t the best idea because I’m starting to care for this kid now. Odds are I’ll either never see him again or I’ll end up his father figure.

I guess either outcome wouldn’t be too bad…

In other news, it's pretty crazy how much Splatsville has developed in recent years. I remember when I first arrived, it was just an average sized town, now it's a full blown, sprawling metropolis.

And now my apartment building is in the middle of a shopping street which is extremely awkward for parking.

September 9th 2022

Son of a BITCH I’m his father figure!

Chapter Text

“You ten are my finest warriors. You can hold your heads high for that.” Levin addressed his audience. He was giving a rousing speech to the ones he had chosen to march into battle alongside. “You shall stand beside me and aid me in the coming battle, and together we will be victorious!” he stopped pacing back and forth and turned to face them all fully. “Any questions?”

One person raised their hand, “Feel free to speak, Free.” Levin told them. “Why eleven, specifically?” they asked. “Well, y’know, there’s eleven weapon types and we all use a different one. I thought it would cover every weakness efficiently.” After that question was answered another hand was raised. “Severn, please speak.” “Hoo we foightin’?” 

“I’m glad you asked! We’re going into battle against that contemptible fiend, Junker and his stupid fish! And when we win we’ll finally take his turf for ourselves!” “Aw, but I like his li’l fish.” “YOU CAN SHUT UP, FORE! I case you forgot, you’re the reason he’s got control of the Crater! I don’t want a word from you until we get into the fight!” Levin exploded at Fore, clearly still not over what happened at the last TSTTO meeting. Fore attempted to make themselves as small as possible. Levin calmed himself down and cleared his throat, “Any more questions?” No one raised their hand. “Good, then MOVE OUT!” the ten all saluted with a loud response of “You got it, Boss!” before they all marched off. 

“I’ll get you this time, Junker…”

Radio was making his way back to Splatsville, having spent a little too long out in the desert without telling anyone. Unfortunately he was stopped in his tracks by someone yelling “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, JUNKER!” and then eleven cephalopods landed on the ground in front of him. Levin stood front and centre, arms crossed, and declared “Today is the day we finally defeat you! Get ready!” 

Radio and Buddy weren’t impressed. “Get this over with…” he sighed as he pulled out the Hero Shot. “That confident you’ll win, eh? What makes you think so?” Levin taunted. Radio replied “Step forward. Find out.” and pointed his weapon at the thieves in front of him. They all fell in line and began to run forward as one unit.

And then they fell in a hole.

“Heh, idiots…” Radio chuckled to himself. Levin called up from the hole “It’ll take more than this to stop US!” so Radio threw a couple of Splat Bombs into the hole as well. “Well shit. GG then.” Was the last thing Levin said before the bombs detonated and splatted everyone one in the hole. 

“ Think they’ll ever stop bothering us? ” Buddy wondered, Radio responded “ When either they become rich and famous or when we become rich and famous. ” Before carrying on the path home.

Chapter Text

It started just like every other night, gaze up at the stars for a while and relax. 

Then it all hit Radio at once.

I was UP there! I had to physically launch myself into orbit! 

How many things could have gone wrong?

What if the rocket launched before we got there? What if I didn’t make it on-board? What if I fell off at any point? What if Grizz decided to just pick me up and tear me apart? What if there weren’t Golden Eggs on the rocket?

What if Octavio wasn’t there to catch me? What if Buddy wasn’t able to transform and distract him? What if vacuuming the Fuzzballs didn’t work?

What if we were too late?

What if Mr. Grizz won?

It kept spiralling.

Could I have done things differently? Could we have talked him down? Steer him down a different path? What if we introduced him to Judd and Li’l Judd? Sure that’s two cats and a bear but it would show him he isn’t completely alone as the only mammal left. How much of that businessman persona was the real Grizz? Was loneliness his sole motivation?

If things were different, would he have been seen as a good guy? 

Would the mammalians hail him as a hero if they returned?

Could mammals and marine life coexist on the land?

Did he really have a change of heart at the very end? Did he realise his mistakes?

Without realising it, Radio soon blocked out the rest of the world. It was just the boy and the boundless cosmos. 

And that meant he couldn’t see his Smallfry companion desperately trying to drag him back to reality.

Chapter Text

Radio and Buddy had been side by side for almost their entire lives. They’ve been through everything together, good and bad. Their first journey out into the desert, their first successful sale of some salvaged scrap, the occasional mad dashes to escape attackers, the days where they’ve eaten until they were almost sick, the nights where the two were too hungry to sleep, the sweet taste of victory or the bitter taste of defeat. Fighting side by side against foes much bigger than themselves, even saving the world together. At this point they were family in all but blood.

That’s why it hurt the Smallfry so much to see its brother in this state. This wasn’t the expressive, bombastic and energetic boy it spent its days with and this wasn’t the short-spoken salvager the Splatsville underground knew him to be either. This was a frightened child. Knees tucked into his chest, curled up on the floor, eyes blown wide and unfocused, breaths shallow and shuddering, whole body shaking and sweating. There isn’t much a tiny Salmonid can do by itself, there’s a reason Smallfry always come in threes, they need to get help.

Deep Cut had just wrapped up a day of filming and were preparing to leave the set when they heard a dull THUNK from where the large window was. They all began turning to see exactly what it was, expecting an overeager fan or some pranksters, only to be greeted by a Smallfry stuck to the glass. It then started making a huge racket, screeching and jumping and flapping and glowing, as if to get their attention. Unfortunately, none of them knew what it was saying but they did recognise it was Radio’s Smallfry so Big Man waddled up to the glass and told it “Ay! (We’ll meet you out the back little guy!)” At that Buddy ran off. 

When the trio stepped outside they were greeted not by the cheeping of a Smallfry but by the sobbing form of an Inkling rocking back and forth whom they immediately recognised as Radio. Shiver was the first to to move, Big Man following closely behind while Frye first shot a text message to the NSS Chatroom before joining them, not waiting to see any responses. At first they were worried about making physical contact but after seeing Buddy sat on his shoulder, bulging eyes filled with worry, they figured it would be fine. 

Shiver took his hands into her own, rubbing soothing circles over them with her thumbs, while Frye started talking to him. “Hey. Hey. You’re OK. Just relax, OK?” This seemed to grab his attention as his eyes slowly refocused and eventually moved up to meet Frye’s. While he had come back from wherever he’d been mentally, he was still panicking. Frye gently held his head in her hands and told him “Just calm down. Take some deep breaths with me, OK?” At first she demonstrated. Breathe in through the nose, hold for a few seconds, breathe out through the mouth. Then she urged him to do it. Breathe in through the nose, hold for a few seconds, breathe out through the mouth. They kept doing this until his breathing evened out again. 

Now calm enough to speak, Radio muttered “M’sorry…” and it was enough to break everyone’s hearts. Shiver pulled him into a hug and told him “You have nothing to be sorry for. Don’t ever feel like you have to suffer through things alone. We’re here for you. So are those Squidbeak guys. And so is your friend.” Radio looked up and saw Bahn standing nearby, when he noticed he gave him a small wave and a big smile as he greeted “Hey, dude.” Radio just about mustered enough energy for a wave back. Bahn crouched down and asked him “Wanna stay at my place tonight?” he weakly nodded. Shiver helped him up after he turned to swim form and passed him to Bahn. “Thanks for your help. I’ll take it from here!” he winked at Deep Cut before walking off, Buddy following behind.

It really put things into perspective for everyone. For all his bravery, skill and influence, Radio was just a 14 year old boy. A kid forced to grow up on his own much faster than one should have to. 

You can forgive a child for being a child on occasion. 

Chapter Text

Stinky(Cap3) > After much debate and several (to be broken) promises…

Stinky(Cap3) > Please don’t make me regret this

■Webmaster■ > King_DJ has joined the Chatroom

 King_DJ > GYAH HA HA!

■Webmaster■ > Admin has removed King_DJ from the Chatroom

Kaboom(4) > Absolutely not.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > That was INSTANT!

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Holy ****

Stinky(Cap3) > Look just hear me out on this 4

Kaboom(4) > I can…overlook his past transgressions

Kaboom(4) > But I REFUSE to allow that man to be able to contact me in any form.

Stinky(Cap3) > 4 he’s trying to make amends

Stinky(Cap3) > Just give him a chance

■Webmaster■ > King_DJ has joined the Chatroom

 King_DJ > OK…

■Webmaster■ > Admin has issued a warning to King_DJ

Eel_Master(Frye) > 0_0

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > I didn’t know that was a thing!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > That’s super ominous!

■Webmaster■ > Admin has changed 1 screen name

Sore_Loser(DJ) > What?

Sore_Loser(DJ) > Oh COME ON!

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > This is going a bit far, don’t you think?

BIGMAN > Agent 4 woke up and chose violence

Kaboom(4) > Count yourself lucky I stopped it there, Octavio

Kaboom(4) > OctoFace

Kaboom(4) > Octo poopy poopy butt

Sore_Loser(DJ) > DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN

Sore_Loser(DJ) > I’LL KILL YOU

Kaboom(4) > Not if I kill you first!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > ENOUGH!

Kaboom(4) > …

Kaboom(4) > Octavio you have one chance or else I’ll blow you back to the wasteland you crawled out of

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I JUST told you to stop!

Boss.Marie(2) > As funny as this is, stop antagonising him 4

Sore_Loser(DJ) > HA HA

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Don’t you start either!

Stinky(Cap3) > As punishment

Stinky(Cap3) > Both of you say something nice about each other

Sore_Loser(DJ) > …

Kaboom(4) > …

Stinky(Cap3) > Really you two?

Bahn > I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time

Bahn > And I’m starting to get weird looks for howling like a looney in public

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > It’s been 20 minutes, how have neither of you come up with something?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > This IS quality entertainment, though.

Kaboom(4) > FINE

Eel_Master(Frye) > ooo!

Kaboom(4) > The way you were able to mix Tidal Rush on the spot in our first battle while also trying to kill me was pretty impressive. 

Sore_Loser(DJ) > At first I thought you were just some worse version of Agent 3 but the way you were able to face my improved Octobot King II with no problems so many times shows you’re tough.

Boss.Marie(2) > That was improved from the first one?

Sore_Loser(DJ) > HEY! Of course it was!

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > It really felt more style over substance, the first version was larger and had more weapons

Sore_Loser(DJ) > wow…

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Hey now let’s not give him ideas

Boss.Marie(2) > Pearl is right

Kaboom(4) > As a gesture of goodwill.

■Webmaster■ > Admin has changed 1 screen name

DJ_Octavio > That’s better

DJ_Octavio > Anyway there’s something I gotta ask

DJ_Octavio > How many Octolings are in here?

Bahn > Sounding off

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Hello!

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Hey.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Good afternoon.

Kaboom(4) > It’s the evening.

BIGMAN > Not in Splatsville

Kaboom(4) > Really? I must be far away.

DJ_Octavio > If you don’t mind my asking

DJ_Octavio > what ranks were you and how did you escape?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > …

Bahn > Bagsy not first

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > How old are you, Bahn?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > He said bagsy. Nothing we can do about it.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Wait.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Shiv I thought you were from the Splatlands 

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I am, I’ve lived here my whole life.

Bahn > Then how’d you know who I was?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > My family keeps a very up-to-date archive on the goings on of Octo Valley and Octo Canyon.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I got curious one day and did some reading. 

DJ_Octavio > @Bahn who are you?

Bahn > You might know me as Commander Echo.

DJ_Octavio > I call cap.

DJ_Octavio > No way you're him 1) he’s dead and 2) you’re way too nice

Stinky(Cap3) > AAAAAAA

Kaboom(4) > AAAAAAA

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > AAAAAAA

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > AAAAAAA

Eel_Master(Frye) > AAAAAAA

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > So we all just took psycho damage yeah?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Also AAAAAAA

Stinky(Cap3) > It’s like when Gramps says ‘Booyeah’

DJ_Octavio > Was it something I said?

BIGMAN > Yes

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Don’t try to use modern slang old man

MC.Princess(Pearl) > It’s cringe

Bahn > Back on topic, My death was greatly exaggerated

Bahn > A perfectly executed plan, as you would expect from someone as brilliant as myself.

DJ_Octavio > Whoa nevermind

DJ_Octavio > That is definitely something he’d say

DJ_Octavio > So how’d ya do it?

Bahn > Under the pretence of searching for where you were being held, I took off in my flying machine where I then purposefully crashed it and made a clean getaway to Splatsville.

DJ_Octavio > Not bad. No one would search for you as we all believed you were dead. 

BIGMAN > Where is your flying machine now?

Bahn > Probably still in the desert.

Bahn > I’ll ask Rad if we can’t go and find it sometime

DJ_Octavio > Moving on, Marina Ida. Combat Engineer and member of my Wasabi Supply Unit. 

DJ_Octavio > How’d ya do it?

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Oh, I just left.

DJ_Octavio > What.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Bruh

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Yep, I just kinda walked out in all the chaos, stayed around Mt. Nantai for a bit, met Pearlie, formed Off the Hook and the rest is history. 

Eel_Master(Frye) > Thats OTH’s deep origin story?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > That a problem?

Eel_Master(Frye) > No Ma’am!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I guess that just leaves me, huh?

Stinky(Cap3) > Don’t push yourself, 8

Kaboom(4) > If you don’t want to tell it, Octavio can just deal with it.

DJ_Octavio > Was it really that bad kid?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I can do this.

DJ_Octavio > In your own time

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > So, after 2 years of considering it I finally bite the bullet and leave for Inkopolis. I make it to The Cape and meet Mr. Cuttlefish and old Agent 3, we fight but get captured by something and thrown underground.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I hit my head as I land and lose all my memories, Mr. Cuttlefish calls a truce because I don’t have a weapon and so we can get out of where we ended up. We make it to a subway station and this telephone that looks weirdly like an Octotrooper calls me ‘Applicant 10,008' and tells me to go do these tests and find 4 thangs.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > We hop on the train, meet the conductor, I go do the first test, get attacked by zombified Octolings, Pearl and Marina call us and offer to help. 

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > So with Mr. Cuttlefish’s guidance, Pearl’s money and Marina’s hacking I make it through all 80 tests and get all 4 thangs only to find out they make a blender and we almost get blended before old Agent 3 smashes through it through the ceiling.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Then I climb my way out of hell to the surface, fight a brainwashed old Agent 3 then a giant statue rises out of the ocean to destroy Inkopolis so we cover it in ink and blow it up then the day is saved and we fly into the sunset in a helicopter.

Stinky(Cap3) > That’s the abridged version. She skipped all the nightmares and traumatising ****

DJ_Octavio > Please elaborate on “Zombified Octolings”

Stinky(Cap3) > So the guy running the whole joint was building an army using your army by drowning them in “sanitiser” and turning them into mindless, lifeless killing machines. 

Kaboom(4) > I’ve called you some choice words but at least you still let your people be…people.

DJ_Octavio > This explains a lot.

DJ_Octavio > I presume the…facility you were trapped in has shut down

Stinky(Cap3) > The subway still operates as it is also a genuine metro system

Stinky(Cap3) > But the tests and all that have all ceased

DJ_Octavio > …

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I am sorry you are only hearing about this after it is all over.

DJ_Octavio > I have some things to think about. I’m leaving.

■Webmaster■ > DJ_Octavio has left the Chatroom.

Kaboom(4) > I almost feel bad.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Almost?

Kaboom(4) > Almost.

Chapter Text

Left hand across, right hand in front, spin around. 

Left foot forward, right foot back, right foot forward, left foot back…

“ FUCK! ”

SLAM

Frye looked to her left and saw Radio face down on the floor. “You OK?” she asked. The boy dragged himself into a sitting position and stated “S’is not working…” 

Let’s rewind a bit and see how things got here.

Deep Cut were in rehearsals for an upcoming Splatfest performance, going over the same dance moves over and over and over and over and over…

Somehow their coach finds something to complain about every time! “Shiver, stop fanning yourself, you'll mess up your hair!” “Big Man, be more aware of where the other two are so you don’t slap them in the back of the head.” “Frye stop goofing off!” “You two step back, you'll be in the shot for the zoom in.” “Frye, stop inching closer.” Yadda yadda. Who cares? It all works out on the day! Besides, Frye made this dance, so of course she knows how it goes! 

“This is BORING!” Frye whines during their break. “This is important, Frye. If we forget something during the event it’s going to look terrible.” Shiver retorted so Frye turned to Big Man, “Dude, back me up!” The Manta Ray shook his head, and most of his upper body, and told her “Ay! (Sorry Frye, I think I need the reminder the most!)” Frye could only groan in defeat and it was starting to get annoying. “You know…” Shiver began to grab Frye’s attention “...they say teaching something to someone helps you remember it even better. Why don’t you try teaching this dance to someone else, rather than sitting through rehearsals with us?” Frye thought about it for a second before deciding “That’s a great idea, Shiver!” and running off. 

Frye kicked open the back door of the studio and was about to kick the dumpster before she remembered she wasn’t wearing shoes and that would hurt. Instead she started shaking it until a voice from behind her said “Stop that!” She immediately spun around and grabbed the owner of the by the shoulders. “Rad, how good are you at dancing?” confused, Radio answered “Uh…’bout as good as anyone else in Splatsville.” “So not very, great! Awesome! Let’s go!” Frye responded before grabbing him by the wrist and dragging the baffled boy inside.

“Don think dancin’ is for me, Frye…” Radio told her. They’d been going for 3 hours at this point and, while Frye looks fine, Radio looks like he just lost a fight. There’s band-aids over various parts of his face, the scarf that goes with his shirt has long since fallen off and his hair is, somehow, more of a mess than it usually is. Begrudgingly, Frye agreed “Yeah… Sorry, by the way. For dragging you into this, I mean.” At this point Buddy waddled up, explaining, “ Tangled feet may work fast under pressure, but can’t keep coordinated without tension. ” 

Frye didn’t understand what it said, nor did she understand the ensuing argument that broke out between Boy and Salmonid. 

“ What does that mean? ”

“ It means you can’t dance! ”

“ You don’t even have feet, I’d like to see you do better! ”

“ Watch and learn… ”

From Frye’s perspective they just started growling at each other before the Smallfry just absolutely styled on them for no apparent reason. 

Chapter Text

For some people Tableturf Battle is just as fun as a real Turf War with none of the bruises and dirty clothes. For some people it’s just a hobbyist distraction and nothing more. 

For Bahn, it’s a fun way to wind down after a hard day’s work.

For Radio, it’s time that could be better spent doing anything else.

“Why we doin’ this again?” Radio questioned in the middle of a game while finalising his card placement. “To have fun, spend time together, relax a little!” Bahn answered him. The cards were played and Radio was completely shut out and at this point wasn’t even trying. “Come on! You can at least pretend to be interested.” Bahn told him but Radio shot back, “This ain’t interestin’!” “You take all the fun out of this game, dude…” the Octoling complained. “So, neither of us are havin’ fun, less do summit else.” 

“Well, well look who it is!” a voice called to the two of them so they turned to see who it was. “Frye?!” they both realised. Frye booted Bahn from his side of the table and sat down across from Radio. “You want a Tableturf Battle with ME?! You’ve got guts.” she commended. Radio was about to say ‘No, I don’t.’ but Frye kept going, “I’m about to show you why they call me the Tableturf Queen of the Greenroom. No holding back!” and at that point it was too late to stop her. Bahn stood behind Radio and shuffled his cards for him while Radio just grumbled to himself.

They used the standard Main Street board for the match and drew cards, Radio deciding to redraw. Radio kicked things off with a Tri-Stringer while Frye immediately played the card of herself.

Next move was a Heavy Splatling from Radio and Zipcaster from Frye. Radio tried to block Frye off with a Splat Charger but her Splatana Wiper went right through. Radio responded by moving up into her side of the board while Frye was unable to stop him. Eventually they both ran out of cards to play in Frye’s area so they moved back down to Radio’s side. Frye was trying to build special points to cut through the wall that had been made while Radio went to reinforce said wall.

Soon they were on the last 3 turns and Radio shifted playstyles. Frye was playing small cards to fill gaps and build up special points while Radio started placing down the biggest cards he could. Frye was forced to pass turns while Radio further cemented his lead.

The final turn came and Frye tried a last ditch effort to gain some more points. Radio finished things off with his Little Buddy’s card. And the results came in.

“WHAT?! That wasn’t supposed to happen…” Frye was shocked that she lost, until she said “Or maybe it was. You are Agent 3, after all. Oh well. Next time you’re going DOWN!” That shocked the two boys as Bahn rapidly shushed her and Radio warned her “Don’t say that out loud!” her hands quickly shot over her mouth and she whispered “Sorry, that was supposed to be a secret, my bad!” Bahn checked his watch and informed Frye “Anarchy Splatcast goes live in one minute, you should hurry.” She immediately jumped to her feet and made a run for it back to the studio.

“Now can we do summit else?”

Chapter Text

After months of practice and planning, several failed attempts and two unintentionally stabbed hands. It was done.

.

“ Grizzco won’t know what hit ‘em! ” Radio chuckled as he marvelled at his handiwork. Now he just had to enact his plan.

So Radio headed to Grizzco to…look around the place while Buddy stayed safely hidden under his hat. They checked everything. Where all the cameras were, where every vent was and when the person behind the rewards desk left. Just to seem unsuspicious, Radio ended up doing a Salmon Run. How did it go? Well…

"You couldn't even grab ONE Golden Egg? GRRR... Guess I should have made you read the handbook." 

It went pretty badly.

Radio can’t just waltz in, do what he’s gonna do and walk out again. Well, he could, it just wouldn’t end well. Some green dude gave him a ninja costume which would work well, covering his face and hiding him in the dark so he decided to wear that for this mission. Besides, there’s plenty of people dressed up as ninjas in Splatsville, for some reason, so no one would suspect it was him! Now he just had to wait for nightfall.

The pair snuck in through a window and into the rafters above. Buddy had a string tied around it to act as a makeshift grappling hook. A well aimed rock throw and a swing of the Smallfry later, the cameras looking at the target area were destroyed. Buddy was slowly lowered down and grabbed the statue that was meant to represent Mr. Grizz before being lifted back up. Radio checked the frequency of the radio in the statue and made sure the one in his replacement matched it, then he stole the batteries out of the original statue. Buddy was given the new statue and lowered back down to gently place it in the correct position. 

As soon as the replacement statue was let go of, Radio yanked the Smallfry back up and booked it with the stolen one in tow. Now he just had to dispose of it, and he knew exactly where. 

The Captain was pretty sure it was night. Alterna makes it kinda hard to tell with the constant blue skies but the hole that was made when Agent 3 first fell through was a good indication of the actual time. She was about ready to call it quits today anyway. She was until Agent 3 came crashing in through the grate, at least. The boy landed on his feet and had something in his hands, besides the Hero Shot that is. “Hold onta this for me!” He told her, handing the Captain the object. She gave it a look over. “A kibori kuma… Is this the Mr. Grizz statue?!” 

Radio was already gone.

The next day, photos of the new statue at Grizzco were all over social media and even hit national news headlines. 

No one knew Radio and Buddy were involved.

A perfect heist and a clean getaway.

Chapter Text

HI! BigMax again! 2023 is upon us pretty much So I figured I’d tell you about some of the stuff that I have planned in a numbered list that probably sounds like insane ramblings, but I assure you, this is how I talk to myself in my head.

1. The rematch that…at least two people have been waiting for.
2. I should probably explain why Agent 4 is an angry prick that everyone’s scared of.
3. The Thieves Gang will get some actual character instead of just being a bunch of faceless names and their defining personality trait being a lack of intelligence.
4. Shoutout to this person for reminding me I have only told you the bare bones of Radio’s backstory. Whoops, my bad.
5. I have made several references to the black market type stuff in Splatsville but haven’t done anything with it.
6. New season. New gear? New weapons? (You can probably figure out which ones.)
7. Characters like Hanna Bell and that Fuzzy Octoling were going to just be one offs but then the brain started braining and now they aren’t.
8. Do you think Anarchy Splatcast (Or Inkopolis News for that matter) ever get complaints?
9. Food prepared poorly
10. Teenager gets edumacated.
11. The Splatlands can’t just be an empty desert with occasional bits of scrap, surely. 
12. More intermissions. Probably. 
13. Fireworks! And other such havoc!

All that and more. Feel free to ruminate on all this information or steal some of the more general ideas and write your own things. I wonder how differently you and I might think for the same prompt or whatever you call it. 

Don’t get your hopes up too high, that always leads to disappointment even if it is good.

Anyways New Year, NewMax! And I’m gonna be bigger and better than ever!

I say that every year.

Chapter Text

“Anarchy Splatcast, We’re live!” Frye boomed once the intro finished playing. “We’re gonna be skipping our opening this time, this is an emergency broadcast!” “Take it away Big Man!” Shiver called out and he responded with a quick “Ay! (You got it!)” Big Man’s TV screen changed to show the weather. Specifically, the fact that it was raining. “Ay! (This is a weather warning, folks.)” Big Man explained allowing Shiver to go into more detail, “The rain is coming down hard in Splatsville, it’s recommended that any ink based species stay indoors unless going out is absolutely necessary.” Frye threw her hands up and exclaimed “WHAT?! What about Turf Wars?” Shiver just shook their head, “Until the rain lets up no ink-based battles will be able to take place, I’m afraid.” viewers could practically see the light drain from Frye’s eyes when she heard that. “If it makes you feel any better, people at home, we can’t leave the studio either.” Shiver told them. “It doesn’t.” Frye numbly replied. “Ay, ay! (Look on the bright side, we can get some more clips filmed for the emergency archive!)” Big Man cheered. Frye flopped backwards with a groan. Shiver rolled their eyes and decided to start the outro, “And that’s it. For now. From Splatsville, that’s a wrap.” She stood up and Frye pulled herself off the floor as they struck a pose and gave their signature “Catch ya later!”

Once they got confirmation the cameras were off Frye immediately hit the floor again and declared “This sucks!” Shiver sat back down and scolded her “Don’t be so dramatic, Frye, that’s my job.” “Ay… (This is what we get for forgetting our umbrellas…)” the Manta Ray mumbled before perking up and saying “Ay, ay! (I’m gonna grab some stuff from my dressing room, be right back.)” He then waddled off.

Not five minutes later he hears shouting before the recording room door flies open and Frye runs out with Shiver trying to hold her legs down, unfortunately, Shiver is very light and, for someone like Frye, barely an issue. Big Man spreads his fins wide to block the whole corridor. Frye barrels into him but, while she is deceptively strong Big Man is also deceptively strong and much larger so holding her still is no problem. “Lemme go, B’ Man!” she screams while thrashing in his grasp but Shiver yells up “Don’t listen to her, she’s being stupid!” the yellow Inkling yells back “No, don’t listen to HER, she’s being heartless!” 

Outside, lying supine in a dumpster, we find a boy, a Smallfry under his hat, listening to the (not so) gentle pitter patter of rain and thinking “ Man…this sucks! ” when suddenly the dumpster opens. Rather than be met with death from above like he was expecting he’s instead met by the face of an Octoling holding two umbrellas. One over the dumpster and one over himself. “Need a hand?” Bahn joked. Radio wordlessly rose to his feet and grabbed hold of the umbrella in his extended hand. 

The pair walked in silence to the apartment complex, mainly because they couldn’t hear each other over the rain until they got inside. “You good? Nothing get wet?” the Octoling asked, shaking the umbrellas off out the door of the lobby. “ ...My comic books… ” the Inkling mumbled. The landlord was also there and questioned “This kid really important enough to risk that , Bahn?” Bahn put the umbrellas up to dry and answered “Well I wasn’t gonna leave him to drown, now, was I?” the landlord replied with a dismissive shrug and walked off telling him, “If anything starts actin’ up cuz o’ the rain let me know.” The pair moved on to Bahn’s apartment proper to settle in for a long storm.

Chapter Text

According to the clock the storm’s been going for three hours now and shows no signs of letting up. If anything it’s gotten worse. The power briefly went out but the landlord got it going again pretty quickly. Bahn’s been watching…something on TV. Whatever he was watching the last time he turned it on probably. He was more focused on Radio than the TV as the boy had been looking out the window with a childlike wonder in his eyes. If the rain wasn’t so bad he wouldn’t be surprised to find him running around and jumping in puddles like a kid. 

All of a sudden there was a rumbling sound. Then the clouds flashed followed shortly by a rolling CRASH! That was then followed by screaming and more crashes.

Granted, the follow up crashes were the sounds of things being knocked off a table.

Radio was panicking and had thrown himself halfway across the room and under the table as soon as he heard the thunder. The frightened boy asked “Wawazzat?!” Bahn was more startled by the sudden burst of speed than the weather outside and calmly explained, “The flashing was something called lightning. It occurs when two electrically charged regions temporarily neutralise each other which causes the instantaneous release of their stored energy.” Radio looked at him like he just told him there’s a species of immortal jellyfish. Bahn recognised this look and dumbed down his explanation. “Electricity in the sky gets let loose because it crashes into another bit of electricity.” Radio understood that explanation and then asked, “What was the noise?” The Octoling described it simply “Thunder is the sound lightning makes when it gets discharged. I won’t bore you with the details.” 

The boy slowly crawled out from under the table and asked “S’not gonna get us in here, is it?” Bahn looked about the room, no metallic objects sticking up in sight, and told him “Nah, we’re good.” Radio stood up fully and straightened himself out. They silently agreed to not acknowledge the fact he was just cowering under a table and they went back to just vibing.

Until Bahn decided to check his phone and found out the NSS Chatroom was being blown up by Frye yelling at him. 

Eel_Master(Frye) > BANNER BAHN BUZURASH YOU BETTER ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!

Eel_Master(Frye) > RIGHT 

Eel_Master(Frye) > *******

Eel_Master(Frye) > NOW!!!!!!!!

■Webmaster■ > Bahn has joined the Chatroom.

Bahn > Afternoon

BIGMAN > Oh, thank goodness

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > And you guys call me the protective one.

Bahn > Sorry phone was on silent

Bahn > Was explaining to Rad how lightning works

Eel_Master(Frye) > SO HE’S WITH YOU?

Bahn > Yes

■Webmaster■ > Kaboom(4) has joined the Chatroom.

Kaboom(4) > SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DRIVE

(sent with voice to text)

■Webmaster■ > Kaboom(4) has left the Chatroom.

Bahn looked up from his phone, located Radio and told him “Frye was worried about you.” Radio just replied with “Nice to know.”

Chapter Text

Bahn’s day started by being awoken by a knock at his door. He tried to ignore it and go back to sleep but it just kept going. Eventually he had to relent and got up, mumbling “Alright, I’m coming…” he trudged his way to the door and, upon opening it, was greeted by a finger in his face and a girl yelling “You jerk! I can’t believe you just left me to die in the Big Run!” Bahn simply replied with “Hi, Hanna.” which was apparently the wrong move as she stormed into his house and continued her tirade, “Friendliest guy in Splatsville my EYE! What kind of friend leaves their friend to fight an invading horde of Salmonids by themselves?! I’ve been showering three times a day since I got back and I still smell like gunk! How’d you even get a lifetime ban from an amusement park?!” “Oh, we broke the Ferris Wheel and made it spin really fast, it was pretty funny! Also Rad punched a wizard and stole 37 balloons.” Bahn explained to her, remarkably OK with being woken up to be yelled at. “And where is Radio, anyway? I’m gonna shake him until his hat falls off!” 

Bahn > Can one of you tell Rad to come to my place?

Bahn > We’re in trouble

BIGMAN > What kind of trouble?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I got it.

Bahn > Please hurry she’s rearranging my kitchen

Eel_Master(Frye) > Oh girlfriend troubles

Bahn > What no she’s like 16 that’s weird

Shiver walked out to Radio’s dumpster and knocked on the side to wake him up, cooing “Rise and shine, Rad!” The boy emerged, although not fully awake and attempted to vocalise. His attempt failed miserably and Shiver visibly cringed at it. She shook herself off and told him “Bahn wants you at his place, said it’s girl trouble.” Radio looked her dead in the eye and said “Dunno any girls…” She smacked him. Radio said to her “Thanks, needed that!” and ducked back into his dumpster. It started shaking violently and Shiver took a step back. After a few seconds it stilled again, and Radio leapt out fully geared up ! And then he ran off. “Hmph, children…” 

“You’re making a big mistake, Hanna.”

“No, you’re making a big cake!”

It was then that Radio walked in, Hanna immediately stopped what she was doing and went to go shake him. “You! I can’t believe you! After all I did for you, you abandoned me?!” she cried. Radio just thought to himself ‘Who is this, again?’ Eventually his hat fell off and she stopped, only for Buddy to squeak in fear, “ It’s Hannibal the Cannibal! ” which jogged the boy’s memory a bit and exclaimed “Oh, you’re hannibal!” “It’s Hanna Bell!” She corrected and then started her grouching again, “I help you pick out the perfect outfit and then you just ditch me?! What compelled you to steal all those balloons?!” Bahn added, “Why did you punch that wizard?” “They was gonna magick at me! It was self defence!” Radio defended himself but Bahn told him “Magic isn’t real!” “You don’t know that!” Radio yelled back.

“ENOUGH!” the girl suddenly screamed and the two boys quickly shut up. “I demand retribution! As an apology you’re going to bake me a cake!” she told them. “We are?” Radio asked and Hanna confirmed “You are.” The two boys shrugged and moved into the kitchen.

Bahn pulled out his phone to look for recipes and asked Radio “Do you know what to do?” “You kiddin’? Never caked a bake in me life.”

“Baked a cake.”

“Yeah, that.”

The two boys looked at each other, and then at all the ingredients that Hanna had laid out, before asking themselves “How hard can it be?”

“Step 1, preheat the oven, grease the baking tin and cover it with baking paper.” Bahn read out while setting the oven to the right temperature. Meanwhile Buddy handed Radio a spray can of engine grease from the boy’s bag. By the time Bahn was done, Radio had also finished and the fact he used engine grease instead of butter would never be mentioned. 

“Step 2, break the eggs into a large mixing bowl then add-” Bahn was interrupted by the sound of eggs shattering as Radio slammed all four into the bowl at full force. “Not like that.” Bahn told him, so they washed the bowl out and tried it again. “Then add sugar, flour, baking powder and butter.” “How much?” Bahn rechecked the recipe he was using and concluded “Doesn’t say, just add all of it.” so, Radio did just that. An entire bag of sugar, an entire bag of flour, an entire bag of baking soda and an entire tub of butter. “Mix until well combined with an electric hand mixer.” Bahn read out before saying “I don’t have one of those.” Radio shrugged, “So…now what?” Bahn grabbed a wooden spoon from the drawer and sighed “Guess we’re doing it the hard way.”

“Step 3, pour mixture into tin.” Bahn looked up from his phone and yelled “Put the spoon down, and step away from the bowl!” and the Inkling and Smallfry quickly backpedalled to the other side of the kitchen. The Octoling poured the cake mix (just about) evenly into the baking tin and put it in the oven. “Step 4, bake in the oven for 25 minutes.”

…

“Whad we do now?” the boy asked. “Wait. I guess.” Bahn replied.

“If my calculations are correct, 180 taking 25 minutes means 1800 would take 2.5 minutes!” 

“Your maths is incorrect, baking doesn’t work like that.”

“Awww…”

During all this, Hanna was sitting in the living room, listening to music. Until Radio ran in, dove over the couch, and yelled “BAKES CAKED!” and then ran back into the kitchen. Leaving the confused girl to follow. The kitchen was…a sight. Radio was proudly pointing to the cake on the countertop. It was crumbling and overall extremely unappetising to look at. Bahn was holding a fire extinguisher and standing in front of a blackened oven. “Don’t ask.” Was all he said.

“Why don’t you guys…try the cake first?” she suggested. Radio, Buddy and Bahn all immediately snapped their heads to the knife block. In the blink of an eye Bahn had caught the Smallfry out of the air and was blocking Radio from climbing onto the counter while also  grabbing a cake knife. “Why’dya put the nives so high up?!” Radio whined, but Bahn responded “So you two can’t kill someone with them!” 

Bahn cut a slice out of the cake and trepidatiously took a bite out of it.

He then collapsed. Radio picked up the knife and haphazardly cut his own piece, bravely taking a bite with no hesitation. An intense, full body shiver struck the boy and then he started coughing. When he recovered he just stated “Tastes like scrap metal.” and took another bite, much to Hanna’s horror. Radio then pointed the knife at her and asked “Wanna piece?” She put her hands up and nervously replied “Nah, I-I’m good.” Radio cut off another slice for Buddy and said “More for us!” 

“P-please stop eating the cake!” 

“S’not good to waste food.”

Chapter Text

Splatfest had just finished and the results were just announced. “Phew, I’m beat!” Frye exclaimed once the cameras turned off, “Wanna get coffee before we head home?” “Just so long as we don’t have to get it the same way as you.” Shiver quipped back. “Ay! (No matter the outcome, I’m glad we’re able to host Splatfests!)” Big Man stated, all jolly from the festival of life. “Here, here!” the two girls cheered in response.

“So, any players catch your eyes during the fest?” Shiver asked her two companions. “I kept an eye out for Radio, but I never saw him at all!” Frye announced, not sounding too happy about it, Big Man then told her “Ay! Aaay! (I forgot to mention it! Radio said he had some important, personal business to deal with and was gonna miss the Splatfest.)” The Inkling spluttered “He- Ju- Wh- HUH?! You mean I was wasting my time looking for him?!” “Ay… (Sorry for not telling you beforehand…)” the Manta Ray apologised before shifting focus back to Shiver “Ay? Ay? (What about you Shiver? Anyone catch your eye?)” she thought about it for a bit before deciding “There was one person with an Inkbrush…”

“Oh, THAT guy.”

“Ay, ay. (Oh, THAT guy.)” 

“Hm? You know who I’m talking about?” Shiver questioned them.

“Ay? (The one who spawn camped Team Sour for an entire match in Tri Color Battle?)”

“The one who ran in and stole the Ultra Signal, like, 4 or 5 times?”

“Ay, ay? (The one who outran a Heavy Splatling’s fire? And a Nautilus?)”

“The one who ran into the enemy’s base repeatedly, and got away with it too often?”

“Ay? (The one who crushed someone with an Inkbrush?)”

“The one who tricked someone into walking off the stage?”

“Ay? (The one who had a 10x Battle turn into a 2v2?)”

“The one who Killer Wailed an E-liter off their perch to immediately run up and splat them?”

“Ay? (The one who escaped from an S+ player chasing him down?)

“The one who slapped straight through a Booyah Bomb?”

“Ay? (The one who wouldn’t even hold back in mirror matches?)”

“The one who kicked ass with the Tentatek Splattershot he just bought that day?”

“Ay? (The one who out-melee’d an Ultra Stamp?)”

“The one who killed 17 people in MakoMart?”

“Wait, KILLED?!”

“Sorry, meant splatted.”

Shiver regained their composure before continuing, “Yes, that is the person I meant. I even talked to him about it.” Frye looked at her expectantly “Aaaaannnd…?” “Well, he said he really wanted the 4 star freshness badge on the Inkbrush and now he can’t feel his right arm.” Frye just shrugged, “Well, can’t say he didn’t earn it.” “The badge or the injured arm?” Shiver asked, “Both.” she clarified “Sweaty tryhard deserves to hurt.” “Ay! (I’m just glad he only faced Team Sour once outside of Tri Color!”) Big Man said to change the topic, “Ay? (Did he say anything else?)” Shiver paused to remember what he had said before responding, “Other than saying ‘Spice me up!’ a bunch, he said he hopes Frye wins. Despite being Team Spicy.”

“He sounds like an interesting fellow…”

“Ay. (Interesting is not the word I’d use.)”

Chapter Text

It’s a rare day off for Deep Cut, so what better way to spend it than with the homeless kid who lives behind the studio and his friend? But, unfortunately, the life of an idol is never quiet and, even with their disguises, they still get recognised by fans. Always the crowd pleasers, they agree to take photos and do autographs and everything else that celebrities have to do.  A lot of people recognised Bahn too and came to say hi. He is the friendliest guy in Splatsville, after all, so he’s used to attention being on him. He doesn’t mind being in photos either accidentally or on purpose so stopping whenever someone comes up to them wasn’t a problem.

Radio is technically, due to his line of work as a scrap collector, a criminal. Going into the desert to find stuff isn’t the illegal part, it's the selling stuff that’s…outside the law. Y’know, black markets and all that. Needless to say, being recognised in public would be a bad thing for him. Plus, he’s a 14 year old boy and teenagers hate being in photographs. Whenever pictures would be taken he’d jump out of frame to avoid being in them. 

No one really noticed this until they were eating food. A fan came up to their table and asked for a photo, and apologised for interrupting their meal, Deep Cut happily accepted and Bahn just so happened to be in the back of the shot. The fan walked off, squealing happily, and Bahn turned back to continue his conversation with Radio only to find the kid wasn’t there. He had slipped into swim form and gone under the table. “What are you doing, Rad?” he asked. Radio replied with his own question, “Izzat person gone?” Bahn nodded, so he climbed back into his seat and went back to eating. “No offence, but your swim form looks weird.” Frye told him. He grumbled back “ I don’t make fun of the way you look, forehead. ” not that anyone other than Buddy understood what he said. “Have you been ducking out of photos this whole time?” Shiver asked him. “Mhm.” was the response she got. “Any particular reason why?” She followed up with. Radio answered simply “Don’t like bein’ in pickchures. ‘Specially when they get posted on line.” 

“Ay! (You could get something to hide your face.)” Big Man suggested and Frye jumped in with “Oooh, maybe a mask or something?” Bahn shot that idea down, though, “People can barely understand him already, something that’ll muffle his voice will make him even more unintelligible.” Shiver walked up behind him and said “If I may…” she then untied the kerchief wrapped around his neck and tied it around his face instead. “What do we think?” They all looked at Radio so he looked at Bahn who told him “Try saying something.” “Sayin’ summit.” his voice came through pretty clearly. “This might just work.” the Octoling thought aloud. Frye then yelled out “IMPROMPTU SHOPPING TRIP!” grabbed Radio and ran off with him. “Ay! Ay… (We haven’t paid for the food yet! *sigh* she’s gone…)” 

Chapter Text

Eventually Bahn and Big Man split the bill after arguing over who would pay and catch up with Frye and Radio. The latter of which is holding onto the railing of the stairs to stop the former from dragging him. Shiver grabs Frye and tells the two boys “We’ll be right back!” before the trio walks off. 

Fifteen minutes later and they’ve returned, this time in better disguises. Big Man was wearing aviators, a leather jacket and a pompadour wig while Shiver and Frye have changed everything that would make them recognisable. Their hair either styled differently or under a hat, their eyes covered by shades, their clothes completely different (and surprisingly normal) and their coloured fingertips simply gone entirely. When they finally reached conversation distance they revealed the final part of their disguises. “Hey there, chums, we ready to do this?” They were talking differently. That was Shiver by the way. 

The two boys just look at them with expressions of utter bewilderment. One thing that didn’t change was Frye’s love of physical contact as she slung her arms over their shoulders and asked “What’s the matter? Don’t recognise your old friends Utsuho, Fūka and Mantarō?” Bahn quickly caught on to what was happening and confirmed “Right, of course.” Radio was still very confused until Bahn whispered to him “Fake names and different appearances so they aren’t recognised.” the boy just went “OH! I get it.” 

“Aaaayyy! (You just leave your fashion up to us, li’l dude.)” Big Man told them and with that they made their way to the shops. 

Their first stop was Naut Couture seeing as bandannas were what started this whole thing. It was a choice between either the Paisley Bandanna or the Skull Bandanna. Of course, it was Radio’s choice to make but that didn’t stop the others from trying to influence him. “Trust me, chum, you want the skull one. Skulls are cool.” Shiver recommended but Big Man disagreed, “Aaaayyyy! (No way, li’l dude! Paisley all the way!)” Frye agreed with Shiver, “Don’t listen to him, get the skull one!” 

Meanwhile with the shopkeepers. “Uh, hey boss…should we, like, help ‘em or something?” “Nah, leave ‘em. They got it handled.”

Eventually Radio just went “Buddy, you decide!” and lifted his hat up. Buddy immediately leapt for the Paisley Bandanna “ This one! ” Big Man cheered a victorious “AAAAAYYYY! (Let’s go!)” while Shiver gave a disappointed “Not cool, chum…” “ I’m not a Chum, I’m a Smallfry. ” 

Frye offered to pay but Radio just told them “I ken buy me own clothes!” and bought it himself. Much to Frye’s confusion. Bahn explained to her “It’s a matter of a man’s pride, not a man’s money.” Big Man seemed to understand but she was still confused. 

Radio and Bahn had assumed this would be the end of the shopping trip but Frye had other ideas as she dragged them into Man-o’-Wardrobe. “Can’t just buy one piece of new gear, gotta get a whole fit!” Was her reasoning as to why. Although the last time they went into Man-o’-Wardrobe they got an hour long lecture, they were hoping to avoid it happening again.

They did not avoid it happening again. 

An hour later they walked out completely exhausted and without a shirt. “Gel The Floor is not very nice…” Radio groaned. “Might help if you get his name right, chum. It’s Jel La Fleur.” Shiver informed him. “Ain't that what I said?” Shiver just sighed, “Ugh, whatever…” Summoning more energy from nowhere, Frye stood up straight and declared “I know! We’ll just get something from the catalogue!” Bahn looked up at her from the floor and muttered “That’s not a bad idea.” Radio just looked confused and asked “Which cat is being logged?” which confused everyone else. “Remember that paper book I gave you a couple weeks ago?” Bahn asked back, Radio pulled it out of his bag to prove he still had it. “That is the catalogue, it offers rewards to those who play a lot of Turf War or Anarchy Battle and level up their catalogue including: gear, locker decorations, Splashtag banners and titles, even Tableturf cards! It’s a must have for anyone involved in the turfing scene.” Bahn explained. 

“Thanks, Mr. Tutorial, but what we’re after is the gear. Let’s see…” Frye brushed him off and you could practically hear the sound of Bahn’s hearts shattering. They all ignored him slowly melting into a puddle and focused on looking at the catalogue. “Your’s musta been printed weird, the heck is this?” Frye wondered aloud. Wordlessly, Shiver held the corners of the magazine and turned it the right way up. Radio and Frye refused to acknowledge their stupidity. 

Just over a quarter of the way through the catalogue, Radio pointed at one of the models and declared “That one!” Deep Cut all leaned in to get a closer look. “Ooo~ an Ink-Black Tangle Top. Good choice, chum.” Shiver agreed. “Aaaaayyyy! (Says here you’re already high enough level for it.)” Big Man informed them. Hearing this, Bahn stopped short-circuiting and stood up, “Have you not been to Hotlantis at all this season?” the boy shook his head. “Then that’s where we’re going!” 

“...Oh, hey. Welcome to Hotlantis.” The store’s keeper greeted them as they walked in. Harmony wasn’t paying too much attention to them as she was doing other stuff, like playing with an Ultra Hand, which was clearly very important. She glanced over at Radio and realised “Oh. Your catalogue level went up. Well, here's your rewards.” and then she dumped a bunch of stuff in his hands, one of which being what he was after. She shot a lazy thumbs up and said “Keep up the good... work? Is it work? Whatever. Keep doing it.” and walked away to keep doing her important business. Despite having several objects shoved into his hands, Radio seemed to be carrying it all just fine. “Wanna leave that stuff at my place?” Bahn suggested and he nodded in agreement.

They ditched most of Radio’s catalogue rewards in Bahn’s living room and went back to the shops to grab some shoes, which was a lot easier than getting a shirt. Radio had to remeasure his feet because he didn’t remember his shoe size but it was an otherwise simple affair as the boy had already decided on what kind of shoes he wanted, "Reminds me of the Captain." was what he told them. “All that’s left now is to put it all together!” Frye cheered as Radio wandered off to the changing rooms.

A little bit later and Radio emerged, asking “How’d I look?” 

“Aaaayyy! (I like it, li’l dude!)” 

“Not bad, chum.”

“Another job well done, if I say so myself.”

“It’s more casual than what you usually wear. In a good way, I mean.”

Frye then decided “Enough complimenting, although they’re totally deserved, pose for a photo!” Radio argued back “I fought this whole thing was to avoid pickchures!” Buddy slapped him on the back of the head, “ Buck up, dude! Just do it! ” The boy relented and struck a familiar pose.

“Aaayyy! (Hold on, if we’re doing new fits, you gotta get a new weapon too!)” Big Man suddenly shouted. “He’s right, you know. It wouldn’t hurt to try out new playstyles.” Bahn agreed. So they went into Ammo Knights. 

“What weapons do you already have?” Frye asked. Radio answered by pulling out his three weapons, “Tri-Stringer, this Splattershot Jr. I found in the desert and-” he held up the Hero Shot Replica “-a Splattershot.” Frye looked at it and commented, “Weird lookin’ Splattershot…” 

Soon they all went off to get their recommendations. “Since you’re a Tri-Stringer main, why not try the REEF-LUX, chum?” Shiver suggested, Frye countered with “We’re supposed to get him to try new things. Like a Splatana Wiper for example!” “Aaaaayyyy! (If we’re going for new then he should try THIS! The Big Swig Roller!)” Big Man said as he brandished the mentioned weapon. Bahn walked up holding a Custom Splattershot Jr., saying “I still think you can’t beat the old reliable.” Frye just told him “Shut up, Jr. main.” 

Radio wasn’t paying attention as he’d already found the weapon he wanted and was busy spinning it around. The group all looked at him as he stopped it and said “I want this one!” before handing over the Sheldon License required to purchase it. They all had the same reaction. “Ugh, Bloblobber…”

He was having fun at least.

Chapter Text

Eel_Master(Frye) > Any of yall committed any crimes?

Kaboom(4) > **** of a conversation starter.

Boss.Marie(2) > What brought this on?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > We were talking about it earlier and decided to just ask instead of guess.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Not gonna nark on us are ya?

BIGMAN > We would never!

Eel_Master(Frye) > I’ll go first! 

Eel_Master(Frye) > Here's the list:

Extortion

Burglary

Murder

Assault 

Possession of illegal weapons

Selling on the black market

Trespassing

Vandalism

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Those apply to me as well.

BIGMAN > Take out the murder and illegal weapons and that’s mine

Eel_Master(Frye) > Who wants to go next?

Stinky(Cap3) > I haven’t done anything illegal 

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I don’t believe you.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Captain’s father is a police officer, so it is understandable that she has not committed any crimes.

BIGMAN > Really?

Kaboom(4) > He arrested me once.

Kaboom(4) > Good times.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What crimes have you done, 4?

Kaboom(4) > Assault, battery, possession of bladed weapons, being fresh as ****, trespassing, theft, driving without a licence, civil disobedience and disturbing the peace.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Not bad dude!

Eel_Master(Frye) > Anyone else want a go?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Eh, just destruction of property

MC.Princess(Pearl) > They used to call me ‘The Club Destroyer’!

Stinky(Cap3) > She’s also the reason The Reef has a stone bridge instead of a wooden one like it used to.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > I can’t think of any crimes we’ve committed

Boss.Marie(2) > There was that time we beat a guy up but he was being a creep so it was self defence.

Kaboom(4) > Can’t help but notice Team Octo (except Shiver) being awfully quiet.

DJ_Octavio > As a monarch I have diplomatic immunity

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I have done no crimes!

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Neither have I!

MC.Princess(Pearl) > You accusing Rina of being a criminal?!

Bahn > Are we counting war crimes?

Bahn > Cuz if we aren’t I haven’t done any

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Huh… Didn’t think about that…

Eel_Master(Frye) > **** it lets count em!

Bahn > Uhhhhh

Plunder of private property

Ill treatment of pows

Devastation not justified by military necessity

BIGMAN > 0_0

Bahn > And that’s just me!

Bahn > Imagine what the Octarian army on the whole has done

DJ_Octavio > UHHHHHHHHH

Kaboom(4) > Let me help you stop imagining:

Persecution on racial grounds (Although that goes for both sides really)

Destruction culturally significant property

Biological experiments

Feigning non-combatant status

Breaking of ceasefire

Breaking of peace treaty

Plunder of private property

Ill treatment of pows

Devastation not justified by military necessity

Use of Weapons of Mass Destruction

And more, but I’ll stop there

DJ_Octavio > Inklings used them too

Kaboom(4) > Yes, but Octarians are still using them.

Bahn > Can’t argue with that

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I never realised how scary those were until I was on the other end of one.

Stinky(Cap3) > They’ve done me in more than I’d like to admit

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > And the creator of them will remain nameless!

Eel_Master(Frye) > Change of subject

Eel_Master(Frye) > Has Radio done any crimes?

Bahn > 

Battery

Assault + with a deadly weapon

Possession and distribution of illegal weapons, substances and materials

Unauthorised contact with Salmonids

Murder

Burglary

Breaking and entering

Trespassing

Underage driving

Driving without a licence

Sleeping rough

Disturbing the peace

Destruction of property

Being in charge of a criminal organisation

Fraud

Scamming

Being an underage military operative

Vehicular manslaughter

Unlicensed space travel

Larceny

Damaging human heritage sites

And littering

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > HOLY ****!

Bahn > Those are just the ones I know about

DJ_Octavio > I’m impressed

Bahn > Best part is: because he doesn’t legally exist he can’t be charged for any of it

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > What does ‘not legally existing’ mean?

Bahn > He is not recognised as a person who exists by the government.

BIGMAN > On the one hand, he can’t be done for his crimes, on the other he doesn’t have any rights or way to prove his identity.

Bahn > Do what you will with this knowledge

Chapter Text

Filming was done for the day and the three members of Deep Cut could unwind. For Frye that meant lying down, for Shiver it meant standing up to get rid of that pesky paraesthesia and Big Man got the chance to stretch his fins. They were about to start discussing what to do for the rest of the day when one of the jellyfish crew approached them. It was looking slightly nervous and told them the producer wanted to see them. Usually not a good sign. They decided avoiding the producer was probably a bad idea so they went straight to their office to see what they wanted.

Shiver and Frye entered first and sat down, Big Man awkwardly shuffled in and stood behind them. The Anarchy Splatcast producer, another Jellyfish, was sitting (or rather standing) on the other side of the desk and it did not look happy. Jellyfish (usually) can’t talk so this was about to be a very long game of charades.

“I presume you’re all wondering why I’ve called you to my office.” They began. “Indeed. I wasn’t aware we had done anything wrong.” Shiver responded. The producer deflated slightly and reached under the desk. “You haven’t done anything wrong, per se, however…” They pulled a huge stack of paper out and dropped it onto the desk, blocking itself from view. It leaned around and continued “...We’ve received a few complaints.” 

The shock was visible on everyone’s faces. “A FEW?! That’s a whole mountain! How have people found that much to complain about?!” Frye baulked. “Ay? (You’re saying you guys read through all of those?)” The producer nodded, “Indeed and we’ve compiled them into topics relating to each of you. We’ll start with Shiver.”

Shiver didn’t want to hear it. They already thought complaining was for weak losers and she didn’t want to hear what people thought she was doing wrong when they have no experience in the same role. The producer was going to tell them anyway so she just had to sit and deal with it. “We’ve received 307 complaints about your outfit, mainly from parents who feel it’s too revealing to be shown to kids.” Shiver rolled their eyes, “My outfit is a traditional form of dress for my clan. If those prudes don’t want their kids to see a person’s midriff maybe they should stop watching!” The producer simply carried on once Shiver finished her rebuttal. “This one is ridiculous but I’ll tell you anyway, we’ve received an…upsetting amount of complaints about you being an Octoling…” If that angered her, she did a good job of not showing it and replied “Tell those crusty old bastards if they don’t like it they should hurry up and kick the bucket.” The producer seemed pleased with that response, but kept going still, “Lastly, some people have complained that your constant focus on the camera is unnerving.” Shiver huffed, “I wouldn’t expect common folk to understand professional dedication when they see it. If I haven’t made it clear, dear producer, I shall not be changing anything about myself in the show. Is that going to be a problem?”

The producer shook their head and moved on, “Let’s talk about Frye next.” Frye gulped and nervously said “Oh boy…” but the Jellyfish wasn’t too worried, telling them “Surprisingly, Frye got the least number of complaints.” She perked up at that, “Really?!” she questioned. The Inkling tries not to make it obvious, but she really cares about what others think about her, so hearing that made her happy. “Apart from all the superficial complaints about your appearance the only major one appears to be your behaviour. They say you look like you’re about to kick a hole in Big Man’s TV.” Frye’s face scrunched up in annoyance, “It’s not MY fault I can’t sit still for very long! Some of us like to be moving all the time!” She was unconsciously bouncing her leg in her seat during the whole tirade which further exemplified both sides’ point. Frye physically cannot sit still. 

“Big Man…” the manta ray jumped upon being addressed and yelped “A-ay! (Y-yes Boss?)” “The first of the two major complaints for you is that people can’t understand you.” This confused him, “Ay? (I thought we were putting in subtitles when I spoke?)” The producer confirmed that they were doing just that. “Ay! (Then maybe we should leave them up for longer?)” “The other complaint is that you just don’t…fit in, apparently.” Once again, Big Man was confused by this, “Ay? (What does that mean?)” he asked so the producer elaborated, “People seem to think of you as…just a mascot, not a real co-host. They seem to believe the show would be better as just Shiver and Frye.” Big Man drooped, and sounded to be on the verge of tears, “Ay… Ay… (Oh… I see…)” he sniffled. “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” Shiver and Frye both shouted. “Big Man is just as important as me or Shiv!” Frye proclaimed and Shiver stated “If Big Man leaves, I leave!” seeing his friends be so willing to defend him made Big Man straighten himself back up and he told the producer “AAY! (If it’s not with Shiver and Frye, I’m not doing it!)” 

“I agree, these complaints are completely ridiculous,” the producer told them and the trio calmed down. “I have merely told you of these to show that the complaints that apply to all of you are much more serious. They revolve around some of your…other activities.” they explained. Big Man stiffened, Frye’s face froze and Shiver hid behind their fan and asked, “Why, whatever could you mean, dear producer?” The producer wasn’t impressed and told them “Don’t play dumb, I know of your banditing profession.” The trio relaxed, but only just. Still very worried about what they were going to say next. “While I find your motives admirable and noble, there have been reports of rather…heavy handed tactics to keep people out of the way. Threats and acts of violence being common.” 

“It was Frye’s idea.”

“Ay! (It was Frye’s idea.)”

“Wow! Thanks, guys…”

“Frye, explain yourself!” the producer demanded. Frye stood up and started jumping into various poses. “I ain’t gotta explain shit! Folks oughta know not to step into the Splatlands, lest they mess with the Moray Eel Mistress! Or get mauled by the Master of the Megalodon! Or get zapped by the Phantom Manta!” Frye’s speech was capped off with quiet clapping from her fellow bandmates and a defeated wobble from the producer. “One last thing…” that got everyone’s attention “When fans have been watching from outside during breaks and you’ve noticed you’ve waved at them like we told you to. However you’ve been seen being far more enthusiastic towards one individual in particular. Care to explain why?” 

“Nope!”

“Not really…”

“Ay! (Nah.)”

With that the members of Deep Cut made a break for it, running out of the office like a group of teenagers running from a house they just TP’d on Splatoween, occasionally sparing a glance backwards to see the producer angrily chasing after them. They ran out the back exit, Big Man held the door closed while Frye dragged the dumpster in front of it to stop it from opening. Shiver wiped a tear from her eye and cackled “We are in so much trouble tomorrow, but it’s so worth it!” 

They then noticed the very bemused Radio sitting on top of his own dumpster, who opened his mouth to talk but Frye shushed him. “Don’t ask questions and don’t open that door until tomorrow, OK?” he nodded and the trio left him there. Still incredibly confused.

Chapter Text

If you asked the Captain about the list of things she expected to see when arriving in Alterna, what was currently happening wasn’t on that list. Finding out that Mr. Grizz is back for revenge? Practically guaranteed at some point. The place is full of Fuzzy Ooze again? Not surprising. DJ Octavio found a way to shave his troops and is now ready to fight? Unfortunate, but not unexpected. 

Marie wearing glasses and standing in front of a whiteboard while Agent 3 is sitting on the ground with a face like someone just told him concrete doesn’t exist? The Captain was absolutely baffled. Callie and Agent 3’s Smallfry were awkwardly off to the side, watching this all unfold, so she joined them.

“Uhm…what’s happening?” she asked during her approach. The ever energetic Callie waved and called out to her “Hey! You’re just in time to catch ‘Problem Solved: Studying with Marie’ live!” The Captain looked at the scene unfolding, suddenly recognition filled her eyes and she exclaimed “Oh, right! Marie’s radio show!” Callie giggled and replied “That’s the one! Now there’s gotta be a pun I can make about this…” the Captain just sighed and shook their head but couldn’t withhold a fond chuckle. 

Meanwhile, over in the study corner, things were going… That's a lie, they weren’t going at all. Marie likes to think she’s a decent teacher, how else could she have hosted her radio show for so long? But Agent 3 is a very slow learner. To the point where even the usually more stoic of the Squid Sisters was losing her patience, as much as she doesn’t want to admit it. It’s not his fault after all! “Honestly, Agent 3, what’s so hard about this?” a slightly irritated Marie questioned, “I’m not going too fast, am I?” It was a serious fight to keep any prickliness out of her tone of voice. Agent 3 sounded just as exasperated as she felt, although whether it was because of her or frustration at himself she didn’t know, “I jus’...don’t get it.” his voice then saddened, “Maybe I am jus’ stupid like ev’one says…” 

Marie’s hearts broke when she heard that. 

Before Marie could wrap him in a hug and comfort him, Cuttlefish drifted over. “If I may…” he started, getting their attention, “Perhaps what you’re startin’ with might make sense to someone who knows the basics, but it seems Agent 3, here, doesn’t! So maybe start by teachin’ him the basics, and then try this stuff again.” Marie took a moment to respond, thinking things over before asking “Wait. Agent 3, can you read in any language?” Agent 3 shook his head and Marie facepalmed. “I should have started with that question instead of!- Ugh! I’m sorry, Agent 3, this is my fault.” She then sighed and walked over to her bag, pulling out a book. “Come, sit with me.” she told him as she lowered herself to the ground.

Agent 3 sidled up next to her only for Marie to drag him into her lap and hold the book in front of them over his shoulders. He was fairly embarrassed and everyone else joining them didn’t help much. Nor did Callie shouting “Yay! Story time with Marie!” as she ran over. 

Chapter Text

If Radio found one constant during his time in Alterna, it was all the sweet loot they were finding. But, they found it all and any more treasure from there would need some tools and some patience. He still hadn’t gone through all the stuff he found down there until now, so let’s get to work!

The Crater, Camp Cuttle

Apart from Power Eggs and a pack of Tableturf cards, the only treasure found here was a Zapfish plushie.

“Can we even sell this?” Little Buddy wondered, Radio just told him “We’re not going to.” There was no arguing so they moved on to the real treasure.

Site 1, Future Utopia Island

Vine boom sound effect 

“The sooner we get rid of this, the better.” They both agreed.

If only it were full sized

“Almost feel like we should take it to a charity shop…” Radio mumbled. “You’re not gonna sell a relic of humanity to an op-shop like it’s a children’s toy, are you?” Buddy reminded him, they decided to sell it, but would have to explain this was a human era thing.

Small amp

“This has to be worth something!” the Smallfry happily cheeped, “It’ll be worth more if it works. Shame we can’t test it.” What are two homeless dudes gonna use an amp for anyway?

Barrel !

“What COULD we do with these? Roll them at plumbers?” Radio wondered, “Craft them into a raft to cross water?” his companion suggested, to which he remarked “We’re in a desert.” Yeah, they’re being sold.

Site 2, Cosy & Safe Factory

The Thinker - Auguste Rodin

“Doesn’t this belong in a museum?” Radio thought another moral quandary. “Doesn’t all of this stuff belong in museums?” Moral quandary solved, it’s being sold.

Printer with no ink

“I dunno what this’s. Let's jus’ sell it.” 

Second verse, same as the first

It’s being sold with the small one.

The sooner I stop seeing these, the better

“These kinda make me hungry.” The Smallfry stated, “Definitely selling these.” The boy replied.

Site 3, Cryogenic Hopetown

A house for really small people

“Hey, Buddy, can you fit in this?” Radio asked it, “No, I tried.” was its response.

A container for really small objects

“Can you fit in this?” “If I go in head first.”

The reprise

Yes it’s being sold as well.

small engine from hell

The pair silently stared at the power generator for a while. “We can use this for something.” they simultaneously muttered, and thus they kept it.

Site 4, Landfill Dreamland

Getaway Submarine

It took all of Radio’s willpower to give this thing up, as much as he likes submarines, this just isn’t useful for anything.

Paper lantern 1

“Don’t think it’s worth anything but we’ve got no use for it.” Buddy squeaked, Radio held it up and looked at it before saying “Pass me the drill.” The smallfry complied and Radio drilled three holes in the wall of Deep Cut’s studio, shoved hooks in them and hung the paper lantern off it. Things feel a little more…homely now.

Miniature whip

“WHY CAN’T YOU BE FULL SIZE!” Radio yelled at the toy car before rolling it across the floor into the pile of other stuff to be sold.

Dumpster

They compared which of the two was bigger, this Alternan one or their current one. Their current one was much larger so they decided to sell the Alternan one.

Transport structure

“I can see this being useful in the future.” Radio stated. “I can’t, but do what you will.” the Smallfry said back. Radio kept it anyway.

Site 5, Eco-Forest Treehills

Radio Antenna

“What could you possibly need this for?!” The Smallfry squawked “Signal boosting?” the boy suggested with a shrug. They weren’t gonna use it but somebody else might.

Paper lantern 2

This one was hung up on the hooks next to the other one.

Concrete

Radio put the antenna on top of the chunk of concrete, and they fit together fairly well. The two items would be sold together.

Pac-Man down special

They couldn’t figure out what this thing even was for so they were gonna sell it.

Site 6, Happiness Research Lab

The only server in Splatoon 3

Once Buddy was able to tear its eyes away from all the flashing lights they decided to just sell it. Sure hope there’s no important human information on it.

Vinyl player cuz no one calls them records anymore

“How has Inkling society regressed so far technologically that vinyl records are making a comeback?” Little Buddy wondered, “Dunno, but it means this is worth more!” Radio happily answered.

Paper lantern 3

This was hung up with the other two, making a full set. I’m sure the Anarchy Splatcast Crew won’t mind the holes.

Torii Gate

“Buddy, can you fit through this?” the Inkling asked. The Smallfry got about halfway through before getting stuck. Once it got unstuck they decided to sell it.

Do these actually work in the rain?

“If this weren’t red I’d almost think it was Marie’s.” Radio joked. It was a bit of a faff closing it, though.

And that's sorting sorted, now it just needs to be sold.

Chapter Text

Radio changed into his Desert Survival Gear (patent pending), got into the right mindset, gathered all the items being sold and wandered off to the black market. There were three ways to get into the black market: already know where it is, know someone who knows where it is, or fall in the sewers and get lost. That last one happens more often than it should.

There are several entrances hidden all over Splatsville and in the Splatlands. The one Agent 3 showed the New Squidbeak Splatoon connected directly to the meeting room for the ‘Major Players’ as everyone calls them, being Radio and Buddy, Deep Cut and the Thieves Gang. They aren’t the only ones who scavenge for stuff out in the desert, but they might as well be, most others who try don’t make it back with anything or get robbed by one of the Thieves Gang. Despite being, y’know, illegal the place is pretty lively and casual. It’s neutral territory for everyone to avoid fights breaking out, don’t wanna blow any cover and be found out, and quite a few of the vendors live down there. Whether it’s for convenience or for having no other choice, they won’t say. 

For Radio, there’s only one person he trusts who will give the Salvager a good price for any junk. People say he’s crazy for trusting them, but nobody else has the enthusiasm they have when it comes to this stuff. Besides, you’ve gotta trust somebody down here when no one knows each other's real names. When down in the underground Radio goes by Junker. He has since come up with cooler pseudonyms but it’s too late for him to change it. As for his trusted vendor? Folks call him Blueeye . His eyes aren’t blue, they’re red, but it’s what people call him. Given the way he typically wears his hat people probably don’t notice that fact. 

Junker moves quickly through the streets of Splatsville and arrives at the entrance he wants to take, silently slipping through the drain when no one’s looking. He falls through it and straight down into the marketplace, right next to where he wants to be. Blueeye was laid back in a reclining chair just outside his shop, to the unassuming he might look asleep but he’s always keeping a sharp eye on his stuff and a hand close to his weapons. Radio enters his view and he perks up immediately. “If it ain’t my main man, Junker!” He greeted, “Haven’t seen you in a while!” “Sorry. Big haul.” the boy replied. “Big haul, you say?” the man questioned before leaning in to whisper, “Those are best handled outta sight, so let’s get!” as he nodded his head in the direction of the door to his home.

They went inside and Junker sat down first, setting his backpack down next to him. Blueeye wandered off to grab some stuff first, giving the boy a good chance to look around. The man’s house reflected his own personality, a laid back but eccentric collector. Various sets or collections of items were displayed around the place, from finely polished gem assortments to seriously antique weapons, like a Dual Squelcher and a Seeker, and random collections of figures and plushies to “ Wait, is that Octoling Armour? ” Little Buddy squawked, right as Blueeye walked back in. “Somethin’ up with your Smallfry?” he asked, “Surprised by that.” Junker told him, pointing to the armour set on the wall. The man gained a nostalgic look in his eyes, “Heh, you young lot call that stuff ‘Octoleet’ gear, but that’s genuine Phase 1 Octoling Armour. Nabbed it off some dude 7 or 8 years ago.” he explained, then changed subjects “SO! What’cha got?”

Radio emptied all the items out of his bag as Blueeye watched on in shock, once everything was out he gestured for the vendor to take a look. “I’m not gonna question how you fit all that in there because this is FANTASTIC!” He exclaimed, “I haven’t been this impressed since you dragged that car down here!” He began looking through everything, verifying their legitimacy and admiring them. “Where’d you get all this stuff?” the man questioned “New turf.” Junker curtly responded. “Ah, I heard about that! You’re gettin’ more important every time I see ya!” He congratulated, and then changed subjects, “SO! How’s 60k AND a full restock on all your usual supplies sound?” Blueeye gave the offer and held his hand out. “Deal.” Junker responded, sealing the deal with a firm handshake.

“Always a pleasure, dude!”

Chapter Text

Radio was preparing for the day when Deep Cut arrived, all looking extremely tired. “Whoa! Y'all look terrible!” the boy exclaimed. “Thanks, we feel it too…” Frye groaned. “I *yawn* don’t think we slept at all…” Shiver mumbled. “Whyzat?” Radio asked. “Ay… (We were up all night working on a song…)” 

Deep Cut were not in good shape. Big Man was swaying on his feet, Shiver’s eyes were barely open and Frye was stumbling around like she was drunk. Radio’s Little Buddy hopped and announced “ The Salmonids have a special secret technique for getting others to fall asleep! Allow me to demonstrate. ” “Whatsit sayin’?” Frye questioned. The Smallfry leapt forward, only for Radio to snatch it out of the air. “ What have I told you about trying to crawl down people’s throats?! ” He demanded, and the Smallfry replied “ To ask for permission first. ” “ Besides, I don’t think that’ll turn out well for either of you. ” He told it. “ Fine, we’ll try the other special secret sleeping technique of the Salmonids. ” Buddy decided. It wriggled out of Radio’s grasp and retrieved a frying pan from their home before passing it to Radio.

The boy approached Frye and she asked “What’s the fryin’ pan for?” “Salmonid sleepin’ technick.” He explained. “Sure, I’m all ears.” she stated.

*DONK*

Frye was out like a light, although Shiver and Big Man were now much more awake. “What was THAT?!” Shiver screamed “Not ‘wake anymore, is they?” Radio pointed out. “OK, they aren’t, I’ll give you that, but you can’t just hit people over the head with a frying pan!”

*DONK*

Shiver soon joined Frye on the floor and Radio turned to the Manta Ray. “Ay! (Please don’t hit me with a frying pan!)” Big Man pleaded and Radio agreed not to.

*DONK*

Smallfry came up from behind and hit him with another frying pan. Then someone walked out of the studio and yelled “What’s all this donking?!”

*DONK*

They never stood a chance.

“ We hit ‘em in the right places so they shouldn’t remember what happened when they wake up. ” Buddy told him. “ Good, but let’s hide just in case. ” Radio responded before Super Jumping away. 

They were all very confused as to what happened when they woke up, but they did feel refreshed.

Chapter Text

We join a crew of Grizzco workers in the middle of a job. Wave 2 is about to begin as the shoreline recedes and a huge rock is flung onto the egg basket down by the shore.  Mr. Grizz came through on the worker’s radios “ A giant tornado! Salmonids that get sucked up will fall around the shore. Oh, and it looks like the egg basket by the sea is blocked too. Great.”

Things may be hectic for the workers but things for the Salmonids are way worse! The boxes holding their Golden Eggs are being flung onto the surface for those invaders to steal! The boss Salmonids are too busy trying to anchor themselves to the ground to mobilise and deploy and the Lesser Salmonids are getting picked up by the tornado and thrown to the surface! 

For most of them this meant the end, those who weren’t killed from the landing would charge for the invaders and be splatted, for one Smallfry it was the beginning. While swirling around in the tornado this Smallfry was bumped into by a Cohock, knocking it out of the main swirl of the storm. Instead it was thrown out of the tornado at high speed. 

Right into the Grizzco helicopter. 

The Octoling pilot turned around when he heard clattering, only to see a few boxes knocked over. “Must be too close, I’ll back off a bit.” he muttered to himself as he began to pull away slightly. He was completely unaware of the unconscious Salmonid now in the chopper with him.

The four Grizzco workers, using exceptional teamwork, cleared the wave with ease and did the same for wave three. “Good. That's the last of 'em. Now get in the chopper and head back.” Mr. Grizz instructed them, so they all Super Jumped back into the helicopter and flew back to Splatsville as the boss man went over their results. All none the wiser to their tiny stowaway.

“You got time for one more flight, Bahn?” The pilot checked his watch just as somebody else entered the landing pad room. “No I don't, apparently.” he replied before addressing the new arrival, “Little early, aren’t you?” they just shrugged in response, “Was expectin’ more traffic.”

Right then was when the Smallfry woke up again. Obviously panicked, it threw the box it was under aside and started running. After running several laps around the room and under everyone’s legs it found the door and escaped. “We…probably should have stopped it…” the worker stated before the realisation dawned on them and they yelled “There’s a Salmonid loose in the city! We gotta kill it before it lays eggs!” and they ran out after it. Bahn pointed the new pilot towards the chopper, “You’ve got a helicopter to fly, I’ll handle this situation.” 

The Smallfry emerged from the Grizzco building before stopping in place to take in its new surroundings. Giant pillars towered over it and high into the sky, the footfalls of hoards of Inkthings drummed all around it, the sun was bright, the wind was dry and the little Salmon had just one question. “ Where the fuck am I?! ” it soon realised it wasn’t a good idea to shout that out loud as it found all eyes on it. Then one of the workers emerged from Grizzco, still in their slopsuit, holding a Splatana. “Prepare to be splatted, Salmon Scum!” they declared as they hoisted their weapon aloft. Having no weapon of its own to fight back with, the Smallfry ran. Again. 

It quickly found a safe place to hide, locating a river flowing through the city. Without thinking twice, it dived in. The Grizzco worker soon peaked over the edge along with an Octoling, both seeing the Smallfry. “Great! Now we can’t reach it!” Smallfry laughed at them which made the worker even more angry. The Octoling didn’t seem to be bothered, though.  The Smallfry was so busy laughing it didn’t see what was floating down the river towards it.

The two Grizzco employees watched as the Salmonid was dragged downstream by a basket. Once it was out of sight, the Octoling said “You should go change.” The worker stomped off back to Grizzco, and the Octoling left to go their own way too. both of them were left guessing though.

“Wonder if there was anything in that basket?”

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2022

Boss.Marie(2) > Agent 4 isn’t very cultured.

Kaboom(4) > I would argue…

Stinky(Cap3) > You can’t. You literally have no taste.

BIGMAN > Is that the actual meaning of literally? 

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It is true. I watched him drink a bowl of salsa once.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It was terrifying.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > LOL I remember that.

Eel_Master(Frye) > UUUUMMM?????

Kaboom(4) > Not the weirdest thing I’ve drunk.

Eel_Master(Frye) > UUUUUUMMMMMM??????

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What was, dare I ask?

Kaboom(4) > 3 whole fish, a full bottle of hot sauce, potato soup and a rock. All blended together. 

Eel_Master(Frye) > …

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > …

BIGMAN > I’m gonna be sick

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Me too

Kaboom(4) > Did I not tell you guys about this?

Boss.Marie(2) > NO! When was this?

Kaboom(4) > About 5 years ago. Right after my team won that big tourney.  

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > How did you blend FISH BONES?!

Stinky(Cap3) > Forget that! How did you blend a ******* ROCK!?

Kaboom(4) > It was engine powered.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > What was? The blender? Who would do that?

Stinky(Cap3) > So this was Davey’s doing?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Definitely something he would make.

Kaboom(4) > It was Davey.

Kaboom(4) > He called it the Blendgine. 

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Your friends are weird

Kaboom(4) > He was the Captain’s friend first.

Stinky(Cap3) > Don’t pin his stupid **** on me!

5 years (or so) earlier, Inkopolis Square:

The post tournament celebrations were well underway with the winning team having done everything they needed to do (go up on stage, do a speech, have pictures taken etc) and were now just relaxing in a corner of the square. And by relaxing I mean arguing. Not over stuff from the tournament that they think could have been done better, no, they were arguing over whether ketchup or mustard was better on hotdogs. 

Davey, the resident nerd, had just the thing to stop this ridiculous argument. “I think now is a good time to try out my latest invention!” any arguments were immediately forgotten as the three of them in unison uttered “Oh no.” He walked over to what looked like a long table with a big cloth over it (and was just there in the square for some reason) he then grabbed the cloth and pulled it off shouting “Behold my latest creation ‘The Blendgine’!”  The other three gathered around it taking different levels of interest, Doug was looking underneath the table seeing how things connected, Dugol was just staring at Davey incredulously and Luke was staring directly at the engine, looking incredibly disappointed. 

“Whad’ya think lads?” was all Davey asked. Dugol responded first “I think you haven’t invented jack, you’ve taken two things that already exist and stuck ‘em together” Davey just waved him off “Let’s not get bogged down by who made what the important thing is I made this!” he once again gestured to the whole thing. Doug then spoke next “So this thing actually works then?” Davey nodded “Yep, as you can see the drive shaft from the engine to the blender and the ignition key is on the end there. This all would normally be hidden underneath the countertop.” 

Davey then produced some other items from somewhere “To prove it works why don’t we make a smoothie? A proper man’s smoothie to go with this beastly machine! First off, some fish!” Davey then put three whole fish into the blender. “They still got bones in ‘em?” Dugol asked, “Yep” was the reply “Next some hot sauce!” He poured a little of it into the blender, decided that wasn’t enough and emptied the whole bottle into it, much to the other’s horror, before producing a bowl this time “Some of this manly potato soup” he then similarly emptied the whole bowl in. “Lastly, this rock!” which was promptly plunked in before the lid was put on. “One of you mind helping me put this on?” Dugol stepped up and while doing so asked “So this lid will stay on? Cuz I ain’t the one explaining why that guy’s been skewered to the wall with fish bones”

With the lid safely secured Davey moved over to the other end of the counter where the engine was. “Tell me that’s not the gas pedal!” Dugol exclaimed pointing at what was definitely a gas pedal so Davey didn’t say anything to him. Instead he grabbed some noise cancelling headphones and said “I should probably put these on” Doug asked “Why, is it loud?” Davey pointed at the engine and he answered his own question “Oh yeah. Stupid question.”

The ignition was turned on and the pedal was pushed down, the engine roared to life and so did the blender sending splashes of liquid out from under the lid. Predictably this drew everyone’s attention. When the engine was turned off Dugol and Davey began to take the lid off and took a look inside. It looked… well I’m sure you don’t want me to describe it so I’m not gonna. Davey scooped up some of it with a ladle and poured it into a glass and put it down next to the blender. “Whad’ya reckon o’ that? We should give this drink a name!” Dugol had a suggestion first “How about: ‘Salmonid Scum’?” and Doug was next “Ammo Knight’s bilge waste” they then turned to Luke just in time to see him take a swig from the glass before gingerly putting it back down. “I’ve got a name for it: ‘Disgusting!’ now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go be sick” he then walked off. 

“I… don’t think this has worked.” was all Davey said “But now I can work on my next idea! Jellies…” Doug and Dugol both yelled “You can’t blend Jellyfish!” Luke then returned, grabbed Davey by the collar of his shirt and demanded, “Put the engine back in my car. Now!”

Chapter Text

It was a day like any other in Splatsville. Which is to say, it was chaotic as all hell. “Where is that son of a gun, I swear to-” Bahn started to grouch. “Now, now! Let’s calm down, he can’t have left the city, right?” Hanna tried to settle him, which was a bit of a role reversal. The two had been looking for Radio for the past hour and he’s nowhere to be seen. They checked everywhere they could legally get to, and peeked into the places they couldn’t, but haven’t found a trace of him or his Smallfry companion.

“Let’s see…if I were a 14 year old boy where would I be?” Hanna pondered aloud to herself, and then she looked up and gasped, “Up there!” Bahn followed where she was pointing and saw who else but Radio. He wasn’t looking at them, though, he was staring off into the distance. Furious, Bahn yelled “GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE!” startling the boy out of his reverie. Radio started a Super Jump which they figured out when the Jump Marker appeared around Bahn’s feet. The Octoling stepped aside and, once Radio landed, yelled “Not like that!” “Why were you even up there, dude?” Hanna quickly asked afterwards. “View’s great up there, never seen it?” Radio responded.

“NO! Most people don’t climb up buildings! And you shouldn’t either!” Bahn scolded him. “Not the boss of me! I ken do wha’ver I want!” Radio argued back. 

“Don’t talk back to me, young man!”

“Lay off, old man!”

Hanna decided to leave while they were arguing.

Agent 1 and Agent 3 were doing a more thorough investigation of Site 6 in Alterna. Or at least that was the plan. “Agent 3, do not jump off that building!” the Captain yelled through the headset. He ignored her, of course, but what’s harder to ignore is someone grabbing your leg and pulling you back up. “You’re strong.” Radio said, “You’re light!” Callie replied, slightly taken aback at just how unheavy he was. “Agent 1, please bring Agent 3 back to base camp. Clearly he can’t be trusted up there.” the Captain ordered and Callie carried out her mission (and Radio) back to Site 1. 

“Can put me down now.” Radio told Callie and she did. Right into the hands of Agent 2. “What were you thinking?! Do you know how dangerous that was?!” She admonished him, clear concern in her tone. Agent 3 wriggled out of her grasp and planted his feet back on the floor before turning away with a huff. “What’s this I hear about jumpin’?” Cuttlefish muttered as he drifted over. “Agent 3 tried to jump off a building during our investigation.” the Captain told him. “Hmm… You’ve been tryin’ that kinda stuff since I met’cha, Bucko but I never thought to ask why. So, I’m doin’ it now! Why’dya keep tryin’ to jump offa things?” 

Radio had to stop and think. Not because he didn’t know why he kept trying to skydive off buildings but he needed to put his reason into words that made sense to someone other than him. “Cuz…when I’m high I can…see more of the world! When I see summit intrestin’ I wanna run to it! N’ when we was comin’ back from space I could see the whole world! That got me thinkin’... There’s gotta be a buncha intrestin’ things! All over the world! Now I wanna see ‘em all with me own eyes!” He passionately explained, "Guess I’m jus’ a li’l over excited about it, is all.” he bashfully added on. “Nonsense, Bucko! Nothin’ to be ashamed of, bein’ excited. It’s nice to see you youngins show some passion for somethin’... Oh, what’s the word?” Cuttlefish encouraged before eventually trailing off.

It was now night and Radio and Buddy were getting ready to hit the hay, when the Smallfry decided to say something. “ So…about what you said to those Squidbeak guys… You were serious, right? ” Radio nodded and the Smallfry continued, “ When you do go, you’ll take me with you, right? ” “ Of course! I wouldn’t leave you behind for the world! ” it visibly relaxed when he said that and muttered “ OK, just checking. ” and then changed subjects, “ What do you think we’ll find out there? ” “ Who knows? We might find treasure, cool stories, new people, exciting adventures, great views! We might even find where we came from! ”

“ Is where we came from really that interesting? ” it asked him. “ Not really, but it would be nice to know, yeah? ” Radio asked it back. 

With that question in the air they went to sleep.

Chapter Text

Deep Cut were sitting on set while the staff and crew set up for the next broadcast. Well, I say sitting… Shiver was still at their desk, Big Man was standing behind his TV like usual and Frye was rolling around on the floor like a child. “I’m BOREEEED!” the Inkling whined. “So you have said. Numerous times.” Shiver responded, a little tired of Frye’s behaviour. “Then why can’t we do something?!” she demanded, “Ay, ay! (We go live in an hour, there’s not much that can be done.)” Big Man told her. “Whaddaya mean?! There’s plenty of stuff we could do in an hour! Like…” Frye trailed off and looked out the window for inspiration, and her eyes fell on the group’s best friend and sworn enemy, Agent 3.

Radio was minding his own business when two *THUNK* sounds rang out, catching most people’s attention. Shiver and Frye had run up right to the window of their studio, and were looking straight at him. “Start running!” Radio did as he was told and vacated his current location. “ Uh…why are we running exactly? ” Smallfry questioned. Radio just shrugged but Buddy's question was answered when a bed of eels and a shark came around the corner behind them, Shiver and Frye accompanying them.

“Master Mega, tonight we FEAST!”

“Alright, eels, Let’s get ‘em!”

“ Oh THAT’S why we’re running! ” the Smallfry yelped.

Radio skidded through the next corner and immediately threw himself forward with a Super Jump to put some distance between him and the rapidly approaching maniacs. Up ahead he saw a familiar face, Bahn! With other people but they’re not important. Radio took off his backpack and threw it at Bahn. “What the-?” The Octoling questioned, confused by seeing his young friend running past and hurling his bag at him. Little Buddy was also confused, having still been in the bag when it was thrown. Bahn and his friends watched the boy sprint past without saying a word to them, although the rumbling of a shark and the screeches of eels clued them in as to why he was running. They all decided it was best to not get involved, so Bahn’s friends started to fawn over Little Buddy while the man himself struggled to lift Radio’s bag up. “Yo, Smallfry, what the heck does he keep in here?” 

Shiver and Frye chased Agent 3 all across Splatsville and eventually managed to corner him. “Nowhere to run, Agent 3!” Frye told him, “Prepare to feel the sting of my revenge, boy!” he simply pointed at something in response. The two idols followed where he pointed and saw a clock. “Oh shit, Splatcast goes live in two minutes?!” Frye realised. “GRRR, you insufferable child! We’ll remember this!” Shiver spat out as Master Mega made a U-turn to head back to the studio, and Frye had her eels carry her off as well. 

“Wawazzat about?” Radio wondered as went to go find his backpack.

Chapter Text

Deep Cut were waiting around for their next show to start, and in the meantime were plotting how to kill Agent 3. “Our usual methods didn’t work, chasing him through the streets didn’t work, inviting him to our home didn’t work…” Frye listed off all their failed attempts, “Anything we haven’t tried?” “Ay! (We haven’t tried fighting him in the Splatlands!)” Big Man suggested but then realised “Ay… (Oh, wait we can’t…)” “I have an idea.” Shiver stated as she reached under her desk and retrieved a blade from underneath.

“First of all: how did that fit under there? Second: Is that a SWORD?!” Frye questioned. “It’s a katana. A family heirloom.” Shiver explained, “Forged long ago by my ancestors, made of Damascus steel folded 8 times. Engraved with depictions of battles between my forefathers and ancient sharks…” the Octoling continued to ramble about how cool her sword was as Big Man leaned over to Frye and whispered “Ay? (You understand any of what she’s saying?)” the Inkling whispered back “Not a word.” Eventually Shiver finished detailing each and every part of the weapon. “If you think it’ll work, go for it Shiv!” Frye told her. There was a dangerous gleam in Shiver’s eye when she heard that and in the blink of an eye she’d vanished leaving nothing but an open door. Frye and Big Man tried to find her, and Frye yelled “Not right now, you madwoman!” but it was too late, the cold blooded bandit had left the building. “Ay! (I’ve never seen her move that fast!)” 

Radio was sorting through his backpack, taking out things he no longer needs or can’t use, when Shiver approached him. Not that he had noticed their presence. He wasn’t alerted until he heard the distinctive *Shwing* of a sword being removed from its sheath. The boy turned his head just in time to see Shiver winding up for a swing at his neck so he ducked out of the way. “Prepare yourself, Agent 3, for the cold slice of The Mega’s Tooth!” Shiver declared as she readied herself for another strike. Suddenly, Smallfry leapt out at their assailant wielding a spoon and screaming “FOR GLORY!” 

Shiver batted it aside and kept approaching Radio, who was doing the smart thing and running away. With a burst of speed she blocked off the alleyway he was gunning for. “You can’t escape me!” Shiver told him, relishing the look of fear on the boy’s face. Although she stopped having as much fun when he managed to climb a 90° wall and get onto the rooftops with relative ease. By the time she managed to get up there as well, using a Super Jump, Radio was already three buildings away. Shiver gave chase, and quickly caught up but noticed he wasn’t running as fast because he was rooting through his backpack. 

Shiver brought her blade down only for the boy to whip around and a resounding *CLANG* to sound out across the city. Agent 3 had blocked her sword with a…“What is that?” Shiver asked. “S’me patent pending Whackin’ Stick.” 

It was very clearly a metal pole.

They held that pose for several seconds until they heard someone yell “OW, my foot! Why is Rad’s bag here?!” Radio threw Shiver off of him and jumped down to find his bag had rolled off the roof and landed on Bahn’s foot. “Sorry!” he called out before running off again. Before Bahn could ask why Shiver landed as well and continued to give chase. 

Bahn picked up Radio’s bag When Frye and Big Man rounded the corner. 

“Bahn, have you seen Shiver?” 

“She went that way, chasing Rad.” 

“Why didn’t you stop them?!” 

“They jumped down and ran immediately!”

“AY! (Stop arguing, they’re getting away!)”

Frye and Big Man were joined by Bahn in their pursuit of the sword swinging crazy lady.

“Is that Shiver from Deep Cut?”

“Why does she have a sword?!”

“Are they filming a special or something?”

“Where’s Frye and Big Man?

“Who’s that other guy?”

“Isn’t he the kid who won that contest?”

“You can beat him, My Queen!”

“Kick her ass, Kiddo!”

The duelling pair had managed to end up in the middle of main street and were drawing quite a crowd. Shiver didn’t seem to mind, instead enjoying that the mutterings and cheers of the onlookers seemed to be putting the boy in more discomfort. They ended up in another lock when Shiver felt something tapping her ankle. Looking down, it was Smallfry, beating her with a spoon. The Octoling wound up and kicked the Salmonid away, sending it flying with a trail of smoke. The little thing suddenly poofed away in midair. “BUDDY, NO!” Radio cried, watching its spoon clatter to the floor. “You’re next.” Shiver stated. Radio responded by flipping around, landing on and balancing atop Shiver’s sword and holding his Whackin’ Stick (patent pending) like a baseball bat, ready to swing. But before he could knock Shiver into next Tuesday someone called out “AY! (STOP!)”

Big Man, Frye and Bahn ran through the crowd, the two idols confronted their third member while Bahn talked to Radio, who was still standing on Shiver’s katana. “I didn’t mean do it NOW, Shiv!” Frye yelled at her. “Ay! (You can’t just do that in the middle of the street!)” Big Man warned. Shiver at least had the decency to look sheepish. 

“Rad, you OK?” Bahn asked, noticing the boy was very clearly uncomfortable and not looking at anyone. “Fine…” was his mumbled response. Then a camera flashed and Radio was long gone in a Super Jump.

“Shiver, you need to say sorry!” Frye demanded, “Too late, not gonna see him again until the end of the month.” Bahn told them. “Great, now I feel bad…” Shiver complained. “YOU SHOULD!” was what she was told back. Radio’s bag started rumbling and then Buddy crawled out and started babbling nonsense, but they just ignored it. The crowd had dispersed just as quickly as it had formed now that there was no fight. “You’re lucky we showed up when we did, you were totally about to lose that fight.” Bahn stated, Shiver took offence to this and claimed “Lies and slander! I had him right where I wanted!” and then she just drooped. “Not like it matters now. He’ll be expecting it next time I try so there’s no point…” “That is not the lesson you should be taking away from this!” Bahn scolded. While the two Octolings argued the Smallfry came back to its senses and stealthily dragged itself and Radio’s backpack into the sewers. It didn’t know where Radio was but it did know where it could take their stuff for safekeeping, he’ll need to get it eventually anyway.

“Fine, let’s find the boy so I can apologise…” Shiver relented, “Any idea where he might be, Smallfry?” she questioned, knowing full well none of them would understand its response. When they didn’t get a response at all, that was when they got worried. “Great now it’s gone, too! And with Rad’s bag!” Bahn realised. “Ay! Ay?! Ay?! (We gotta find him! What if something happens?! What will the New Squidbeak Splatoon think?!)” Big Man worried, and his nervousness was starting to rub off on his fellow bandits. Bahn remained calm and simply told them “I’ve played Hide-and-seek with him enough to know that if he doesn’t want to be found, you won’t find him.” “How can you be so casual about this?! You act like this has happened before!” Frye demanded, Bahn just raised an eyebrow at her and she caught on, “This has happened before, hasn’t it?” he nodded and explained “It wasn’t quite as high profile as this, but he’s been in the news and subsequently vanished a few times now. Don’t know where he goes, don’t know how he decides when to come back, but he will.”

“There’s no way this has hit the news already!” Shiver claimed, but Big Man replied “Ay! (Yes it has.)” and showed them his phone on a news article, the headline read:

Shiver of Deep Cut: Sword Maiden or Fearsome Fighter? Chaotic street duel erupts from nowhere!

There was also a photo showing the two of them in one of their ‘blade’ locks. Miraculously, Radio has managed to hide his face from the camera in every single picture or video of the event. “Our manager is gonna kill me…” Shiver muttered. “Not if I do it first!” Frye growled and began dragging Shiver away to meet her fate. Big Man went to follow them but turned to bow towards Bahn as a thank you. He just waved it off and the Manta Ray dashed off to catch up with his companions.

With no else around, Bahn was finally able to go into ‘overprotective dad’ mode and start internally freaking out. One thought cut through all the rest of them as he groaned to himself “Someone’s gotta tell those Squidbeak guys…” He eventually concluded, “It ain’t gonna be me!” and went on with his day.

Chapter Text

To whoever reads this, if you aren’t me PUT THIS THE FUCK DOWN! This is private PERSONAL! 

Here is me for reference

I am Levin, Leader of The Thieves Gang! And you aren’t!

If you are me, wassup? Welcome back to your diary Journal.

If I’m dead and you’ve found this, then read up!  My life story is in here, and if I don’t get a documentary at least, I am SO going to haunt your ass!

I didn’t always used to be Leader of The Thieves Gang. At one point I was just…a trooper. One of many. I was 11. Nobody. No name, no rank, no title. Not even a private! Just a number. Higher Ups said I wasn’t strong enough to be a fighter, smart enough to be an engineer, skilled enough to be a pilot or talented enough to make music. Instead I had just about the worst job in the Octarian Army: Janitor. Yep, instead of fighting on the frontlines I cleaned the barracks. 

So I would stay back and make sure the soldiers had a decent place to lie down at the end of the day. I toiled away at this menial labour while I watched others reach greater heights I wasn’t allowed to at younger ages than I even started. Like that Echo punk. Dude was 14 and already reached the rank of Commander AND had his own UFO thingy AND was trusted by DJ Octavio himself! I was 18 and not even allowed a NAME! 

I had nothing, no honour, no belongings, no respect, no chances. I was nothing. Suppose that’s why I was different to everyone else. Where they had routine I made my own, where they followed orders I gave myself orders, where they gave blind loyalty I gave nothing. Why should I? Octavio didn’t truly care about ‘the common folk’ so why should I care about him? All he was after was revenge for something most of us weren’t a part of. Eh, he lost to a kid anyway. TWICE! Not that I saw either one. Nothing much changed for me during that two years besides being moved from Octo Valley to Octo Canyon. 

2018 things start getting changing. People are disappearing, getting to the surface probably, and they’re finally desperate enough to drag me into active duty. I was put on patrol with Undecuple Squadron under Sargent…Something or Other, I don’t remember her name and it doesn’t matter. She’s dead! Stabbed in the back! Literally! Her squadron had been planning to defect for months, I just happened to be there when they went through with it. Depending on who you ask, they say I got lucky. If you ask me I’d tell ‘em to shut the fuck up because there’s nothing lucky about being left in the woods with a dead body and no directions. The rest of the squadron knew where they were going and split immediately, after all, they’d planned this months in advance. I wasn’t included in their plan, so they left me.

I wandered aimlessly for…I don’t know how long. In that time I became quite the survivalist, if I do say so myself. Funny how I learned more through action than through training. At some point I found a road, so I followed it into a desert. I was woefully unprepared for the desert and passed out.

I came to inside a vehicle and freaked out, the driver was some Inkling and they tried to explain to me what happened and that they wanted to help me but I didn’t speak a word of Inkling at the time.

So I killed them. 

Stabbed them in the neck with a sharp stick, took everything they had, dumped the body in the sand and got into the driver’s seat. Perhaps if I were to redo those days I wouldn’t have killed them, at least, not straight away. Driving isn’t as easy as it looks but I got the hang of it pretty quick and probably broke every traffic law in the world in the process. It’s fine, there weren’t any police out there then, and there definitely aren’t any out there now thanks to us!

Eventually I reached Splatsville and ran into another problem. Once again, I had nothing. I became a homeless beggar. Until one day a girl approached me, an Inkling, and she asked me “What’s your name?”

That was when 11 ceased to be, in his place was Me! Not yet Leader of The Thieves Gang, that took a while, but no longer just a number. I was a Dude Named Levin! 

Yeah, OK, I was never good at naming things.

That girl and I stuck together from then on. I was Levin, and she was Tehn, a kind guardian angel. Here is us for reference.

This would be the beginnings of a lifelong partnership, and a criminal empire! 

Soon, our numbers rose! One by one.

The first was Nein, and that giant Hydra he always carried. Shivering no matter how much he bundled up, even in the desert!

Then there was Ate, the mess maker, always loved getting her hands dirty. Both when working on something or in a fight.

Severn was in a similar state to me when I first arrived in Splatsville, only worse somehow. He’s still a little rough around the edges and the one thing he likes more than fighting is clams.

Sicks and Phive, twin siblings, are always together. Sicks is the guy on the left, Phive the girl on the right. The others sometimes have trouble telling ‘em apart.

Fore is our eyes in the skies, so to speak, although they have trouble keeping their thoughts inside their head. I have yet to forgive them for their COLOSSAL fuck up that cost us the Crater region.

Free was the youngest member, and they are physically incapable of staying still for more than a minute. Much to many others annoyance.

Too is…certainly not the bravest of us, but I can’t blame him. I’d be pretty skittish as well if my parents thought they were witches! Plus, he’s always the first to spot danger.

Won… might be crazy, but you didn’t hear that from me. They fight, and when they aren’t fighting they’re training. I also have no idea where they got that armour from.

It was these eleven who formed the foundations for The Thieves Gang. Our first heist was from an art gallery. We stole a ton of paintings and escaped into the Splatlands in a jeep (also stolen). That was when we set up our base, which started as a collection of tents. With a successful heist under our belts we had cash. Money to support ourselves, money to build a proper base of operations, money to pull off more heists! Soon we gained a reputation, became wanted criminals, and had bounties placed on our heads.

Splatsville is the City of Chaos, a hive of scum and villainy, and our numbers began to rise once more. Inklings, Octolings, Jellies, Urchins. You name it, one of ‘em is a member (except Salmonid). We stopped with the ‘corruption of numbers’ names and just let newer members be called whatever they wanted. I was expecting a big fight to break out between the eleven of us over who would be in charge but it was a unanimous vote for me. Under my leadership The Thieves Gang rose to be one of the most powerful and influential groups in Splatsville’s criminal underworld.

We’d be the most powerful if it weren’t for THEM…

Those three with the masks. The Shark, The Eel and The Oni.

I don’t understand them. They call themselves bandits, even though they don’t steal. They search for ‘treasure’ in the Splatlands, but what kind of treasure could there possibly be in a wasteland? That’s not the part I don’t understand. It’s that they don’t even keep the treasure or the spoils from their treasure to themselves, they give it away! With no strings attached! They don’t want to be repaid or owed favours... What could they possibly stand to gain by doing that?

It’s like they’re doing it to mock me us and what we went through.

They do kind of remind me of Deep Cut, but... Nah, there’s no way idols would willingly scavenge for junk in the desert. That'd be ridiculous!

Junker. A loathsome little desert dweller. And that Smallfry that’s always with him, as well. I despise them. Once upon a time, I offered them membership, personally, knowing we could do GREAT things together. 

The little fucker turned me down!

I offer the hand of friendship and he spits in my face! Then, that little fink has the gall to not only keep doing what he’s doing as a “Salvager” but to gain more and more influence right under our noses! 

Then one day he rocks up with the fucking MILITARY and announces he’s joined them instead of us! He spurned my generous gift and now squanders his potential being a goody-goody army boy!

Could he not see I wanted to help him? Save him from suffering alone like we did? Help him become a great warrior? 

Against my better judgement, I still hold a sliver of hope that one day he’ll join us. If not, I’ll see to it that that impudent inkstain is immolated and that stupid salmon skewered and squashed.

Now that I am…experienced in leadership, I understand Octavio’s ruling method much better. He did care about the common folk but he had to act on (what he believed to be) the best interest of everyone. He rules an entire species, I lead a gang of just over one hundred. That’s the difference though, he rules, I lead. He makes decisions by himself, we make decisions as a group. He makes sure people get what they need, I make sure people get what they deserve. 

I know the name of every single member of The Thieves Gang. I would be surprised if Octavio knew anyone’s names other than his own.

The closest similarity between us would be the rules. Octarians love rules and order, even I can't escape that. Our rules aren’t nearly as strict. No curfews (we’re thieves, of course we go out at night!) no clothing restrictions, no mandatory 5 A.M assemblies (seriously, what was he thinking?) and no restrictions on leisure activities. 

We do have some rules, physically be at base at least once a week, call in or report at least once a day, don’t start food fights ( John ), try not to kill each other, don’t tell outsiders where the base is, snitches get stitches and don’t throw cans at people in the street. Yes, it IS funny, but it’s not necessary.

We also make sure everyone maintains an acceptable level of hygiene and does the appropriate weapon maintenance. 

There’s also the rules of The Splatlands Turf Treaty Organisation that we have to follow like “respecting the turf borders” and “maintaining neutrality in Splatsville” which we’ve interpreted as “announce your presence in others turf” and “don’t mess with civilians if you don’t have to” (which is why we had to stop throwing cans at people). It’s not our fault their rules are so vague!

We’re not always about theft and murder, well most of us anyway, we Splatfest like everyone else and we celebrate holidays together as well. We’re a family! A really big, extended family but still family and NOTHING is stronger than family. And for a lot of us, the base is our home, that’s why there’s living accommodations fit for everyone, and it’s why we don’t let outsiders know where the base is, if someone wants to join, we’ll find them. 

What? I’m not writing down where the base is in here! If someone other than me is reading this you've probably already found the base!

As for romance? Well, I can’t stop anyone from falling in love, but don’t let it interfere with operations. It gets really awkward then. 

Damn, I’m running out of space in this diary Journal, that sucks, there was so much more I wanted to write but oh well. I’ll just go steal another one. Just to make it interesting, I’ll hide this old one somewhere in the base. That’ll be ohshitrunoutofspacenow!

Chapter Text

Today was a big day for Radio and Buddy, because today was the day they killed a giant bug. 

Weapons?

Check.

Desert Survival Gear (patent pending)?

Check.

Usual supplies?

Check. 

Insecticide?

Check. 

Emergency dynamite?

Check.

“Less do this!” the boy cheered as he set off running for the city outskirts. Once he reached the train station, rather than go inside and wait like a regular person would, he clambered up to the roof instead to get a good lookout into the Splatlands. He pulled out his pocket scope and started surveying the land, looking for the tell-tale sign of his quarry’s presence. It was soon spotted, a huge swirling pit of sand.

That’s right, they were hunting a giant Antlion. Antlions are a group of about 2,000 species of insect in the neuropteran family Myrmeleontidae. They’re most well known for the predatory habits of their larvae state, digging pits in the sand to trap ants or other passing prey. Adult antlions, commonly called antlion lacewings, typically fly at dusk or night and are usually mistaken for other insects like dragonflies. They also have short lifespans so adult ones aren’t as well known. 

This particular antlion larva has grown to a massive size, and it’s starting to be a problem. At the request of…several people in the underground, Radio’s going to deal with it. Is it going to be dangerous? Yes. Should he have asked to be paid to do it? Also yes. Eh, maybe a trophy hunter will want its head or something.

A train departed from the station and Radio hopped aboard. It’s not like he has to pay train fare anyway, the railway operators know who he is and they all know who’s turf this is. The train ride was silent between Radio and his Smallfry companion, both too focused on completing their mission. They soon rolled up to their stop and hopped off, steeling themselves one last time before running into battle.

Seeing it from a distance did quite a disservice to the size of this pit trap. “ Idea… ” Radio stated as he pulled out his Whacking Stick (patent pending), which was actually just a metal pole, and used it to dislodge a nearby boulder. The boulder rolled into the pit trap and crashed into the titanic insect’s mouth. He was hoping that would just crush its head and they’d be done with it, but the beast lifted the boulder with its mandibles and chucked it out of the hole before leaping out itself, aiming for Radio with its maw open wide. He was able to throw himself out of the way of its mouth but was flung up in the air by the shockwave caused by the bug impacting the ground.

Flailing through the air, Radio looked down to see the antlion resituated in the ground with its jaws once again open, awaiting a squid kid to fall in. He suddenly had a flashback to watching Bahn play a game with a blue dude with a shovel and held the pole down underneath him. He did not pogo bounce upon connecting with the monster but he also wasn’t eaten, which is good. The antlion was now choking and thrashing while Radio held himself up on top of the pole. “ How’s that idea working out? ” Buddy smugly asked. Radio responded by grabbing a Splat Bomb and dropping it into the bug’s mouth. It reacted the same way most non-ink based creatures react to having an ink bomb blow up in their mouth, bouncing into the air and flopping about on the ground. Radio used that opening to ram the metal rod all the way through the antlion’s neck.

“ Is it dead? ” the Smallfry asked. “ Well, it’s not moving. ” Radio told it, adding a few cautionary kicks to the bug’s face. It gave no reaction. “ What do we do with it? ” was the next question.

Blueeye was eating a nice meal when everything was interrupted by a massive *THUD* . Investigation resulted in finding the carcass of a giant bug in the middle of the street. “Suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore…” he mumbled to himself and put down his food. Then he saw his main man Junker standing next to it. “Got it.” the Salvager announced. “That’s very impressive, dude, but why’d you bring it here?” the businessman asked but before he could get a response a voice cried out “Incroyable!” as a woman approached the insect. 

“Vous are ze von who obtained zis?” she asked Radio, who nodded, “I am Ze Gastronomer, et je vould like to take zis from vous!” she announced, “ It vill be excellent for mon secret menu!” Radio’s look of confusion was, thankfully, masked by his headgear but Blueeye could not lower his hat down far enough to hide his grimace. “Name ze price!” she told him.

“20 thousand.” Was his price.

“Zurely 10 thousand is plenty, non?” she counter offered

“15 thousand.” was Radio’s follow up

“12?”

“12 N’ half. Final offer.”

“Deal.” She relented.

The two of them carried the antlion’s body to Gastronomer’s base of operations. “Put it in zere.” She told him, pointing to a massive freezer on the floor. Radio opened it and found that it was not only big enough to hold multiple of these antlions but that it also went several layers down farther underground. He held his Whacking Stick (patent pending) in the freezer and let the remains slide off and into the cold storage below, leaving him holding a steel beam with greenish/yellowish bug blood all over it. 

“Payment for vous!” the Gastronomer declared, tossing a sack of coins at the boy. In his rush to catch it he dropped the pole into the freezer as well . “Keep the pole. Got plenty.” he told her. Buddy crawled into the bag of cash to count how much there was, meanwhile the Gastronomer offered a deal, “I vas thinking, zere are more of zeez creatures in ze Splatlands, oui? If I vere to, say, request vous to obtain zem for me, vould vous be villing?” “For a price.” Junker told her. “Naturally.” She replied and held out a hand, which Radio grabbed for a firm handshake. “ Adds up! ” his Little Buddy announced. 

This would be the birth of a brand-new, only slightly gross, partnership.

Chapter Text

Deep Cut were preparing for their next show, the Big Run announcement when they heard a knock on the door. It was Radio Smallfry. “Ay? (What’s up?)” Big Man wondered. “Can y’all watch Buddy for me?” the boy asked them. “Sure, but why?” Frye questioned. “Well… Hanna still ain’t too happy ‘bout what happened last Big Run, N’ so she’s dragon me N’ Bahn with her, no matter what. I don wan’t Buddy gettin’ caught in th’ crossfire.” he explained. Shiver took the little fish from his hands and told him “Not to worry, your Smallfry will be safe in our more than capable hands.” “ Why’d she say it like that? ” the Smallfry warbled, but Radio was already gone with no more than a final wave.

The group of three were soon marching towards the Grizzco building, Radio silently enjoying the red sky while Bahn and Hanna talked about the upcoming job. “I can’t believe they’re making us do this…” Hanna grumbled, “I can’t believe YOU’RE making US do this!” Bahn shot back, clearly not interested in doing a Salmon Run. “After last time? You better BELIEVE you’re helping this time!” she yelled, “After last time I don’t get why YOU’RE helping this time!” he yelled back. Hanna just sighed “The Principal said in an assembly ‘all students must participate in Big Run to protect our school!’ Buncha hooey, if you ask me…” “Hey, you should value your education, not everyone has the opportunity to learn in a safe environment. Is it so much to ask for help in protecting it in such a serious event such as this?” Bahn questioned. After several minutes of frustratedly trying to come up with an answer, the young girl just groaned, “UGH! Stop being all…reasonable and… MORAL!” and then she ran off.

With her gone, Bahn turned to Radio, “You aren’t banned from there for getting caught stealing stuff, are you?” he asked the boy. “Haven’t caught me yet!” he cheerily replied before changing his tone, “But if a few display cases ‘axe a dentally’ get smashed N’ some stuff goes missin’... I’m jus’ sayin’ snitches get stitches.” Bahn took the warning to heart.

Sign up went by with no major issues, and all three of them managed to get in a helicopter (+ one poor, unfortunate schmuck) and headed out to Inkblot Art Academy. The flight there was a little awkward. Hanna made small talk with their unlucky player four while Bahn and Radio sat in uncomfortable silence. “I probably should have asked before we got in the helicopter, but have you ever done Salmon Run before?” Bahn asked Radio. “Once…” was his response. “How did it go?” the Octoling then asked.

"You couldn't even grab ONE Golden Egg? GRRR... Guess I should have made you read the handbook." 

“Pretty bad…” the Inkling eventually decided. Unfortunately, discussion time was over, and the four cephalopods leapt from the chopper and onto the battlefield. “Quick rundown: Shoot the fish, put gold things into the basket, and don’t die!” Bahn yelled at Radio as they all began to cover ground. “Wha’ basket?!” the baffled boy asked when suddenly the egg basket rose up from the ground as Mr. Grizz came in through their headsets, “The egg basket is ready and waiting. Get to work and protect the city! And don't let me down.” Bahn didn’t miss seeing Radio flinch at Mr. Grizz’s voice but decided to not bring it up now, as the boy realised “Ohhhh, that basket!”

Wave 1 - Mid Tide

Radio was given a .52 Gal, Bahn had Dark Tetra Dualies, Hanna had a Clash Blaster and No. 4 had a Hydra Splatling. Gushers suddenly burst open and music started blaring . Mr Grizz soon told them “I'm not going to sugarcoat it—there are Salmonids everywhere. Just stay focused on the task at hand, and you'll get through. I hope you had your coffee…” and the wave began.

Three bosses spawned straight away. A Steelhead, a Steel Eel and a Slammin’ Lid. Radio immediately ran for them and the growing horde of lesser Salmonids. He slid under the Slammin Lid’s shield and Squid Rolled back out as the pot lid dropped and crushed the other two bosses. He then did another Squid Roll, landing on the Slammin’ Lid and shot the pilot, splatting it before it could even rise back into the air. He picked up a Golden Egg and ran off. “Thought you said you’d only done this once!” Bahn yelled as the boy began tearing through the crowd of lesser Salmonids. “Don’t mean I ain’t know how to fight!” he yelled back. “I do see why he failed though!” Hanna called out, gesturing to the Egg still on his back and the eight others left sitting just by the shore.

“Oh good, he’s one of those types…” number four muttered to themselves. From their perch they started to open fire on everything, giving the other two competent players space to grab and throw the eggs closer to the basket. This would be how things went for the wave. Radio would splat any and every Salmonid he found whilst running about, Bahn and Hanna would grab the eggs left behind and the random would lay down covering fire and put in eggs when needed. They cleared the first wave and jumped back to the starting positions.

"I'm pleased to report that you're turning the tide. Keep up the good work. And come to Papa, little eggs..."

In Deep Cut’s studio the trio were settling down for the long day ahead, but at least they had the company of Radio’s Smallfry. It was just vibing in the corner, bouncing up and down as it is wont to do. “I could watch the li’l fella do that all day.” Frye commented. However, a crew member burst in and started raving about something or other. Then they noticed Smallfry and swung at it, crying “Oh shit, they’re here!” the Smallfry quickly leapt out of the way and started running about in a panic shouting “ I’m friendly, I’m friendly! ” it soon jumped into Frye’s arms and she kept it safe. “Hey! Whaddaya think you’re doing?!” she questioned them, holding Little Buddy away from the crazy crew member. “I-I’m getting rid of that…THING!” they stuttered. “Aw, come on! It’s just a silly little guy!” Frye told them as the little fish tried to make itself as cute as possible. “Are you gonna have beef with a silly little guy?” Shiver asked, “For shame.” 

The crew member did not back down though, “I-It is not a-a-a ‘silly little guy’ it’s a dubious little creature getting u-up to mischief! That is n-no good!” In an attempt to reach maximum cuteness, Smallfry made a quick “ Wah. ” “UGH, the beast is demonic in nature!” they cried, “Very icky, no good!” Little Buddy gave up and decided “ Plan B it is! ” and pulled out a frying pan.

*DONK*

The crew member was out like a light. “Ay! (I got it!)” Big Man declared and carried them out to the break room. Shiver gave a quick “Hmmmmm.” and muttered “That gives me an idea…”

Wave 2 - Low Tide: Rush

For the second wave, Radio had been given a Bloblobber. “Summit I can use!” he cheered. Bahn had the Grizzco Brella. “Sweet.” he murmured and began painting everything. Hanna received Dualie Squelchers. “Heck yeah, main weapon!” she joyfully shouted. Number 4 was given an L-3 Nozzlenose. “Should call it the ‘W-3’ cuz I don’t take L’s.” they joked.

The water level receded and the egg basket appeared in the centre of the battlefield. Something felt off though. “Is it…brighter?” Hanna questioned. “Prolly cuz sky’ ain’t red.” Radio mentioned. The sky had gone from red to black. “Maybe that means it’s over? Big Run, I mean.” Bahn suggested. “Wrong.” the random stated, “Glowflies.” 

The water began to bubble and manic grunts and howls began to ring out from below the surface.

“ Glowflies?”

“KILL!”

“FEAST!”

“BE FEASTED!”

“Glowflies?”

“DESTROY!” 

“ANNIHILATE!”

“CRUSH!”

“Glowflies?”

“ RUUAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! ”

“Glowflies. That explains why the Salmonids are restless. If you start glowing...well, good luck.” Mr. Grizz informed them. Said Glowflies began flying around player four and soon a horde of frenzied Salmonids scrambled out of the water and ran for him, screaming “ FEAST AND BE FEASTED! ” poor sod couldn’t even pull the trigger on his gun before he was clobbered. “ Holy SHIT! ” Radio exclaimed, not quite so worried the Salmonids will hear him. Then the demon bugs then swarmed around Hanna. She, naturally, screamed in fear and climbed onto an elevated platform. Bahn decided to join her on said platform and got player four back on their feet. “ Fuck’s sake, why couldn’t you be a real Brella!” Bahn cursed in Octarian. The hysteric Salmonids crowded below their raised ground, thankfully having forgotten their ability to jump in their insect fueled frenzy. Radio was dealing with his own internal crisis. “ Don’t let it get to you, they don’t mean it, it’s for the sake of the city… ” he repeatedly mumbled to himself only to be snapped out of his stupor by everyone shouting “GET THE EGGS!” so he focused and did his best.

Hanna stayed atop the high ground the whole time while Bahn would jump up and down whenever the situation called for it. Player four stayed on the ground, but not because they wanted to, every time the Glowflies swarmed them they wouldn’t be able to reach the elevated platform before getting surrounded. Radio also stayed grounded and, weirdly, the Glowflies never swarmed him once. 

As suddenly as it started, it ended. The sky returned to red, the Glowflies flew away and the Salmonids ran back to the water. “We lived!” Hanna cheered, “And cleared the wave!” and then they Super Jumped elsewhere.

“I'm pleased to report that you're turning the tide. Keep up the good work. And come to Papa, little eggs…”

“So, here’s my idea…” Shiver whispered to her bandmates. “BAHAHAHA! Love it, Shiv! Let’s do it!” Frye hollered, Big Man wasn’t so sure, “Ay? (Don’t you think you forgot to ask someone?)” They all turned to Smallfry. Shiver picked it up and whispered to it too. “ I’m in! ” it chirped, jumping excitedly. “I think that’s a yes!” Shiver said with a toothy grin. “Ay…(Fine, guess we’re doing this…)” the Manta Ray relented.

Wave 3 - High Tide: Mothership

Radio had been equipped with a Flingza Roller, Hanna had a Tri-Slosher, Bahn was given an N-ZAP and the random had a Goo Tuber. “Hey, we’re in a different place!” Hanna realised. “Prolly cuz the water’s come up.” Radio pointed out. The rest of them looked out to see everything except the Home Base and Enemy Base areas covered by water. “Not a lotta room to work with…” Bahn grouched. Things went from bad to worse when some giant blue bottle crate flew out of the water.

“A Mothership? Everyone, just go after it together. You'll be fine. Probably.” Mr. Grizz told them. Chinooks began flying out of the Mothership carrying coolers, delivering their payloads and flying away. So they started shooting at them. Number 4 had the easiest time of it, having a Charger, and was picking them off and dropping Golden Eggs all over the place to be collected. Radio should have been able to get some Chinooks out of the air but Rollers aren’t really his thing. His vertical flicks often went wide or took too long and, in general, he wasn’t doing too hot. 

After a little while, Mr. Grizz suddenly growled “The Mothership is moving in on my egg basket!” but no one except Radio seemed to hear it, too busy trying to shoot down the rapidly increasing number of Chinooks. Radio headed for the egg basket as Mr. Grizz then roared “MY EGG BASKET! Do not let those slimy Salmonids touch my eggs!” Once again, they all ignored him. The Mothership latched onto the egg basket and began vacuuming. “Uhhh…Mom’s here?” Radio dumbly stated. That seemed to get everyone’s attention and they all started to shoot the Mothership, not before it managed to take a couple eggs though.

The second half of the wave went exactly the same as the first half. Including a repeat of no one except Radio noticing the Mothership moving in, somehow. Regardless they cleared the wave, and the run as a whole. “Way to show those Salmonids who's the boss! It's me. I'm the boss.” Mr. Grizz praised but before they could jump back to the helicopter a siren started blaring.

A gargantuan Salmonid emerged from the water and started flying and roared, “ YOU BITCHES ALL GONNA DIE! ”

Xtrawave - Horrorboros

“Got a King Salmonid coming in. That means mandatory overtime! Here's an egg cannon. Now get to work!” Mr. Grizz ordered. The team of workers all jumped back to their starting positions and got equipped. Alongside each getting an Egg Cannon, Radio had an N-ZAP, Bahn had the Grizzco Brella, Hanna had a Heavy Splatling and player four ended up with a Bamboozler. 

“ That's a Horrorboros. Do I even need to tell you to avoid the bombs that it periodically launches out of its mouth?”

“Rad, you’re the Salmon expert! How do we beat that?!” Bahn yelled to his young friend. “It’ll start charging up a bomb in its mouth, shoot and destroy the bomb before it launches it to deal huge damage and stop it from attacking!” He informed them, “I’ll keep it busy!” he told them and then ran into the fray. “What does he mean ‘keep it busy’?” the random guy asked. They didn’t have to wait long for an answer when Radio jumped onto a Cohock’s head and bounced off it to grab hold of the King Salmonid. He crawled up onto its back and Horrorboros took notice. “GET THIS BETA SHIT OFF ME!” it roared. “I understand you’re royalty, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.” Radio calmly told the giant thing, it just thundered back “PISS OFF, NERD!” Radio started shooting it, stating “Didn’t have to be so rude about it.”

“Is that allowed?!” number four exclaimed, completely baffled. “I don’t think it really matters.” Hanna answered him, and started to attack as well. Bahn had also engaged with the Boss Salmonids who had spawned and been distracted by Radio’s sheer audacity. Horrorboros began thrashing around, trying to throw Radio off of it, but to no avail, he clung on tight and refused to let go. Combined with a pelting of Golden Eggs in the mouth, Horrorboros couldn’t withstand the pressure.

“ THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! ” were the titanic monarch’s last words. Radio fell to the ground after it exploded and gave quick flourish before jumping at Mr. Grizz’s voice. “Never had a doubt! Great work. Now get back to the helicopter. Fuel isn't free.” The team of four Super Jumped for the chopper, finally able to relax.

Upon returning to Splatsville the random, forever unnamed player four beat a heated retreat, hoping to never see them again. “I have completed my school mandated Big Run participation, and I’m going home to take a shower.” Hanna declared and marched off to the changing rooms to take her uniform off. Bahn turned to Radio to find him already back in his casual gear and going through the front door, “I'm outta here!” he said. “Guess we aren’t going again.” Bahn concluded, and went to change as well.

Hanna and Bahn emerged from Grizzco to see Radio, now back with his Smallfry companion, sitting by the stairs with three drinks. They approached and he offered drinks to them, which they took and sat down to join him. “Buddy’s tellin’ me to watch the recent Splatcast.” he told them. Bahn considered it and just pulled out his phone to bring it up. 

The video showed Deep Cut, majorly out of order. They were all standing and dishevelled. Big Man’s TV had fallen over and they all had a panicked look in their eyes. “Uh, hey folks! Repping the Splatlands we are Deep Cut!” Shiver shakily announced only for Frye to leap onto her and shout “GAH! No time for usual intros! We got trouble!” “AY! (THEY’RE HERE!)” Big Man screamed as the camera suddenly fell down and a little Smallfry waddled into frame. “EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!” Shiver cried. “Ay! (Let’s get outta here!)” Big Man yelled in a twist on their usual outro.

Hidden by the Smallfry in front, Deep Cut all scramble out of the room. In the background two audible *THUNK* sounds are heard followed by Shiver and Frye both groaning in pain. Buddy looks at the camera and, knowing no one will understand it, says “ Two girls walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would notice. ” and then the camera cuts off.

Radio and Buddy were both absolutely losing it with laughter, while Hanna and Bahn stared at them. “It wasn’t THAT funny, you two.” Hanna stated, deadpanned. “Ah, don’ worry about it!” the boy just told them.

They eventually parted ways, Hanna and Bahn to their separate homes and Radio decided to wander for a bit. He was near where the river runs through Splatsville when he heard voices. 

“ Those Inkling fools have NO idea! ” one declared with a laugh. “ We’ll soon begin our attack, just as soon as the others get here! ” another cheered. Radio and Buddy looked at each other and hatched a plan.

Buddy leapt into the river and cried “ There’s too many! Run for it! Save yourselves! ” startling the two Chums hiding in there. Radio then scooped Buddy back out with a net as the Smallfry screeched. To seal the deal Radio fired a couple shots from his Tri-Stringer. “ Oh shit, they know! Let’s go! ” the two Chums agreed. Radio heard furious paddling as they made their escape. 

The boy and his Smallfry high-fived and Radio whispered to it, “ I stole a few things from the Art Academy while I was there, let’s sell ‘em before anyone notices. ”

Chapter Text

Hanna, Bahn and Radio were outside a café in Splatsville, enjoying some food, drink and each other’s company. Bahn was relaxed, calmly sipping his tea and just taking a chance to exist. Radio was devouring sandwiches like nobody’s business, because he’s not the one paying this time. Hanna was doing homework, and was not happy about it. 

“Can’t believe they gave us homework!” The girl complained. “I thought you were learning cooking arts? What kind of homework can you have?” Bahn questioned. “It’s all about the history and cultural background of random food or recipes. I can’t say it’s not interesting but I’d much rather just learn the recipe or how to make the food…” she sighed. Radio swallowed the sandwich currently in his mouth and asked “Why ya’ learnin’ cookery at a Art Academy?” Hanna slammed her hands on the table and jabbed a pen in his face, “Cooking IS an art!” she yelled. Radio threw his hands up and apologised, “Right, yeah! Knew that, m’bad!” 

As she sat back down Bahn made a suggestion, “Why don’t you try explaining it to us? They say teaching somebody else helps you remember the knowledge better.” Hanna thought about it for a bit and eventually decided, “Why not?” and started an impromptu lecture.

“Calzoni, the plural of calzone, originated during the human era, roughly the 18th Century, in what was known as Italy. Translated, it means ‘pant leg’ or ‘trouser’. They were designed to be a pizza you can eat whilst on the move…” Hanna explained, now in full swing on this lecture. Bahn glanced over to Radio, only to find him with a look of bewilderment on his face. It was very clear that, for the boy, all this information was going in one ear and out the other. Hanna was far too in the (cal)zone to notice, so Bahn just left it alone and kept listening.

Radio was shaken from his scrambling headspace by something hitting him in the back of the head. He turned around to see what, but saw nobody, just an empty tin can on the floor. He stealthily picked it up and stashed it in his backpack because, hey, free metal! He was fully expecting it to happen again, and was on high alert. When the second can came, it still hit him but he did see where it came from, and he saw two hooligans chuckling to themselves and holding a suspicious amount of cans. Knowing where they were coming from and who was throwing them gave Radio all the information he needed to retaliate, he just needed an opportunity.

The third can hitting him was that opportunity. Radio picked up the table, whirled around and frisbee’d the round table straight for the pair of thugs. They ducked out of the way, so the table ended up embedded into the wall behind them. “Buzz off!” Radio yelled at the two goons and they ran for it. 

Radio turned back around to find Hanna and Bahn, wide-eyed in shock, looking at him. The Octoling had reacted fast enough to save his drink and Radio’s remaining sandwiches but Hanna’s homework was now scattered all over the place. “I’ll…go get th’ table…” the boy mumbled and ran off to go yank the table out of the wall.

The two ruffians escaped into an alleyway, not wanting to draw the ire of that scarily strong, yet weirdly meeking looking, kid. Unfortunately for them, they ran into something much worse. “Saw what you two did.” A voice mentioned, as a man fully dressed for winter emerged from the shadows. “Uh! Mr. Nein, Sir! W-we wasn’t expectin’ ya!” one thief exclaimed with a nervous chuckle. “You know the rules: don’t throw cans at people in the street.” Nein told them, “Boss won’t be happy.” That made the two thieves panic, “N-now, come on Nein, Sir, We was jus’ playin’! It weren’t that serious or nothin’, surely!” one of the thieves appealed, but Nein wasn’t done. “Plus, that kid hurled a table at you. You know how Miss Tehn feels about causing a scene.” He then informed them, “If you’re lucky, Won will be busy, and you’ll only have to carry Ate’s tools around for a day.” 

Deeming the two rulebreakers sufficiently scared, Nein turned away. Looking back at them with an icy glare, he ordered “Now let’s go! This city’s always too cold…” the two crooks couldn’t help but agree with him at that moment.

Chapter Text

Stinky(Cap3) > Hey @Deep Cut what’s your origin story?

BIGMAN > For the band? Well it all started in Middle School!

BIGMAN > Shiver and Frye would sing together on the roof and one day decided Acapella wasn’t enough, so they asked me to play music for them.

BIGMAN > Full story is in this interview: An interview with Deep Cut, the hosts of Splatoon 3's Anarchy Splatcast! | News | Nintendo

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I did not know Nintendo did interviews! I thought they just made weapons.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Oh they do loads of stuff nowadays but most hardcore fans think they they should go back to ‘the olden days’

Boss.Marie(2) > Is it just you right now Big Man?

BIGMAN > Shiver and Frye are busy

Boss.Marie(2) > Doing what?

Kaboom(4) > Each other, probably.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Ugh, don’t be gross 4

Kaboom(4) > You’re right, I’m sorry…

BIGMAN > They said something about sparring

Kaboom(4) > Is that what they call it?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > FOUR!

Kaboom(4) > OK! I’m done, it’s out of my system.

Kaboom(4) > Sorry.

BIGMAN > How did the Squid Sisters form, if you don’t mind me asking?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Marie and I won a youth folk singing contest in Calamari County and were so good one of the judges became our producer!

Boss.Marie(2) > It was Shy-Ho-Shy.

Stinky(Cap3) > This you?

Boss.Marie(2) > What the!?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Where did you find that?!

Stinky(Cap3) > It was a Sunken Scroll I found in Octo Valley

Boss.Marie(2) > So you kept it and didn’t tell us?

Stinky(Cap3) > Uh… Oops?

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Shy-Ho-Shy and I actually contact each other occasionally.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > You mentioned that in an interview for that big compilation album didn’t you?

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > In Splatune 2, yeah!

BIGMAN > Since you’re here

MC.Princess(Pearl) > You want our story? Aight!

Kaboom(4) > A shock wave struck while one young lady was performing at the recent Youth Folk-Singing contest, doing damage to the venue. Fortunately no one was injured.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > 4 what the ****

Kaboom(4) > I found it in Octo Canyon.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Why didn’t you tell me?!

Kaboom(4) > I did.

Kaboom(4) > You said “Yeah, that’s cool dude, but I don’t care!” and walked away.

Kaboom(4) > If anything we should be asking Octavio why they were there in the first place.

DJ_Octavio > What? Sometimes bits of paper end up down there. I don’t put 'em there or look for 'em.

MC.Princess(Pearl) > ANYWAY

MC.Princess(Pearl) > I became a common act at clubs, earned the name “Club Destroyer” 

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Released a single ( rec_bow_down_ball_gig08.mp8 ) called #$@%* Dudes Be #$@%* Sleepin. It didn’t sell well

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Met Marina on Mount Nantai one day, then she hits me with a song ( Ebb&FlowDemo.frsh ) and says “Let’s start a band!”

MC.Princess(Pearl) > The rest is, as they say, history!

Bahn > You’re an incredible story teller Pearl

MC.Princess(Pearl) > I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm

Bahn > And I’m gonna keep it that way

DJ_Octavio > I think there’s only one band left who hasn’t spilled the beans yet

DJ_Octavio > 4?

Kaboom(4) > Well, it’s not quite as grand as your stories, but sure!

Kaboom(4) > Me and Doug were old friends meeting again, one day we met Dugol and Davey, we became friends, discovered we all do music and then Doug said “Hey, wanna start a band?” and then we started a band. 

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > How are you guys doing anyway? Tour going well?

Kaboom(4) > We’re on break right now. Dugol said his shoulder was acting up and messing with his drumming.

BIGMAN > What’s wrong with his shoulder?

Kaboom(4) > Not my story to tell.

Stinky(Cap3) > let’s just say it involves an angry ex-girlfriend, industrial strength drain cleaner and a big bat

Boss.Marie(2) > Why do you know that?

Stinky(Cap3) > He told me. I am his girlfriend, afterall

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > You two are a lovely couple!

Stinky(Cap3) > Thank you, 8

Kaboom(4) > Can’t imagine how Davey felt watching you two dance around each other for, like, 3-4 years. God that was painful to watch.

Stinky(Cap3) > Were we really that obvious?

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Yes

Kaboom(4) > Yes

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > If 4 could tell, it’s definitely obvious

Kaboom(4) > uncalled for, but accurate.

■Webmaster■ > Eel_Master(Frye) has joined the Chatroom

Eel_Master(Frye) > Hey! Sorry I was gone! Was doing stuff

Bahn > Is Shiver stuff?

Kaboom(4) > I like this guy!

■Webmaster■ > Shark_Tamer(Shiver) has joined the Chatroom

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > EXCUSE ME?!

Bahn > Locking my door and closing the windows

Chapter Text

Something important came up with the Alterna investigation, and Agent 3 has (hopefully) been informed and should be on his way. There’s not much to do in the meantime but wait, so that’s what the Captain, Agent 1, Agent 2 and Cuttlefish are doing. Callie was scrolling through social media, Marie was probably watching Agent 4 through the bug she planted on his phone, the Captain was stoically watching the entrance and Craig was asleep.

Agent 3 is many things. Silent is not one of them. The boy came crashing through the grate alongside his Smallfry companion and approached camp. Once he got closer, though, they noticed something off. “You’ve…still got your mask and stuff on.” the Captain pointed out. “I may have been followed.” Radio told her, although he didn’t sound too ashamed about it.

Before anything more could be said between them, a voice from above called out “GERONIMO!” and was soon followed by a man falling into Alterna from above. Despite the pretty massive drop, he managed to stick and roll the landing, but not standing until a hat floated down and landed on his head. The New Squidbeak Splatoon all stared at the man with various expressions ranging from confused and annoyed to unimpressed and embarrassed. The intruder seemingly didn’t notice them, instead he gazed around the environment. “Dunno what I expected jumping down the Crater, but it sure wasn’t THIS!” he exclaimed to himself. 

The Captain cleared her throat to catch his attention, “Ahem.” Judging by his slight flinch and quick spin around, it worked. “OH! Uh…wasn’t expecting that many people either.” he commented. “So you were followed…” the Captain muttered to Agent 3 before speaking up to address the interloper. “You with the Thieves Gang?” she questioned. “Me? With those arseholes?” He questioned back with an offended tone, “Cod no! Not if I can help it.” “Then what are you doing here?” Marie asked next. The man threw an arm around Radio’s shoulder and answered, “Well I just happened to see my good friend Junker headed in this direction and followed him!” Marie glanced over to Agent 3 and asked him, “That true? You two are friends?” “Heh, ‘friends’ might be stretchin’ it.” he responded. The man reeled back in shock, with a hand over his chest, “You wound me! After all we’ve been through?!” he cried. “S’joke.” Radio them stated. The two of them could be seen chuckling after that.

“So who are you, stranger?” Callie questioned. The man jumped to stand front and centre before his audience and bowed. “The name’s Blueeye. Entrepreneur, collector, opportunist, cheap ripoff scumbag and trained detective.” Blueeye held out a hand towards the Captain, and said “It’s nice to meet you-” but before she could accept the handshake he pulled his hand up and gestured to himself with a thumb, declaring “-but it’s even nicer to meet me!” 

Once again the New Squidbeak Splatoon was not impressed. Blueeye turned back towards Junker, who was just shaking his head disapprovingly. “Sorry, I always wanted to say that.” he apologised and held a hand out again, “Truly, the honour is all mine.” The Captain was able to shake it this time.

“Normally we wouldn’t mind you looking around, but you’re actually interrupting an investigation right now.” the Captain told him. “OH! Shoot, my bad!” he responded. Blueeye’s (noticeably not blue) eyes darted around the place before he asked, “uhh, where’s the exit?” “Agent 3 can show you.” Marie told him. Blueeye turned back to Radio, who nodded for him to follow and walked off.

“Exit’s here, take ya right back to Splatsville. Tell no one ‘bout this.” Radio warned him. “Can I ask one more question?” the man asked, and the boy nodded. “Are they the Squid Sisters?” he asked, pointing to Callie and Marie. “Yes.” Radio answered. “Aw, nice!” he cheered, “Shame this never happened.” and then Blueeye disappeared down the drain.

“HM! Did I miss somethin’?” Old man Cuttlefish wondered as he awoke from his nap. “Nothing to worry about Gramps!” Callie cheerily informed him, and then he fell asleep again.

Chapter Text

Out in the Splatlands, many quick entrances to the black market exist for desert dwellers to use if they want to drop in at any time. Much like the ones in Splatsville, they’re pretty well hidden so you’d have to know where they are beforehand or get unlucky and fall in. Which is why finding one uncovered was a little alarming to Radio. No one who uses these is dumb enough to not cover it back up afterwards, not even the Thieves Gang! 

Upon closer inspection, not only was the entrance uncovered but things were quite loud down there. Shouts, foot traffic, weapons firing… “ Must be a fight. ” Buddy surmised, but Radio wasn’t convinced. There was one noise coming through consistently that wasn’t adding up. Music. And it sounded familiar. Radio decided to head down there and see what all the commotion was about himself. So he climbed in, covered things up before he dropped, and started sliding down the pipeline with Buddy right behind.

Halfway down, he realised why the song was familiar and quickly changed into his Hero Suit before the pipe ended. Upon landing on his feet again, he immediately shot a Fuzzy Octoling in the back. Having, quite loudly, announced his presence, everyone currently not running away turned to look at him. Mostly consisting of Blueeye on the roof of his home with a Jet Squelcher in one hand and a hammer in the other, Levin pummelling an Octoling with the back end of his Blaster and a whole Squadron of Fuzzy Octolings. “Junker!” the Inkling and unfuzzy Octoling shouted, one sounding happier than the other. The man himself was more concerned by the third voice he heard “ It’s you! ” The voice came from one of the Fuzzy Octolings, who Radio recognised as one he had met before, the one who got too close for comfort out in the desert. She lunged for him, but Radio leapt back and decided to join Blueeye up on the rooftops. 

“You know them, Junker?” He asked him. “Unfortunately…” Radio replied. “ Come back! My muse! ” The Octoling cried. “I have no idea what she just said.” Blueeye stated. Levin blasted his way up to join them and said “I do, I think she likes you, Junker!” “Lucky me…” he mumbled back. “That’s an impressively powerful Blaster if it can launch you up here! Mind if I take a look at it?” the shopkeeper asked, although before Levin could respond a Splat Bomb was tossed up at them, Radio kicked it back down before it went off, though. “Actually, let’s wait until after we win here.” Blueeye decided, “For now we should coordinate colours!” he then told them as he switched his ink colour to yellow, matching Radio. Levin, begrudgingly, did the same. “Yellow ain’t your guys’es colour.” Radio informed them. Levin growled back “Don’t push your luck, Junker!” 

Radio and Levin jumped back down, Radio making a point to go on the opposite side of the building from her , while Blueeye stayed on the rooftops and started making callouts. “I’m countin’ twenty and two enemies and they all look lost! Let’s use that to our advantage!” He yelled, “Keep ‘em here and don’t let anyone in or out of this district!” “Good thing they don’t understand us!” Radio called back, Levin followed up with “Yeah, we did kinda just shout out our battle plan!” “Stop picking holes in my callouts and start moving! And keep count of splats!” he ordered, so the boys got to work.

Agent 3 did as he usually did when fighting Fuzzy Octolings, run at them whilst strafing weird and hopefully shoot them before getting shot, this time with the added objective of avoiding the crazy one. Levin started blasting everything that crossed his path and Blueeye was providing covering fire from up above and giving them commands, “Levin, alley, left side!” The thief skidded to a stop around the corner and fired, a distinctive *POP* rang out. “That’s three!” he called out, “Fallin’ behind Junker!” three arrows then flew over his head and from behind a wall and splatted an enemy sneaking up behind him. “There’s no way you knew they were there!” Levin argued. “Calculated.” Radio stated after recovering from the shock of pulling that off.

Levin decided to start blast jumping around and noticed something. “Hey, roof guy, Charger behind!” he warned. Blueeye turned just in time to see them finish charging a shot. He gracefully spun out of the way when they fired and sprung into action, dashing for them. The Sniper charged up another shot, but the shady dealer tactically fell down off the rooftops as they fired, going under the line of ink before trampolining back up off of an awning. Now in range to hit the sharpshooter, Blueeye started firing. The Fuzzy Octoling couldn’t figure out where to go and got splatted. “Thanks for the warning!” Blueeye cheered before changing topics “SO! How’s things on your guys’ ends?” “Got nine!” Levin informed him. “Ten! N’ one chasin’ me!” Radio yelled. Blueeye spotted him being followed by someone with a Roller. “Bring ‘em towards me!” He ordered, so Radio took a, slightly unorthodox, loop around back towards him, Roller on his trail the whole time. Once they passed him, Blueeye hopped down behind the Rolling Octoling and hit them with his hammer. The enemy stopped in their tracks, clutching their head and then Blueeye shot them. “Bit unnecessary.” Radio told him.

Levin soon joined them and asked “How many left?” “Well, if you’ve got nine, Junker has ten and I’ve got two… There should only be one left!” Blueeye exclaimed, “We just gotta find ‘em!” The three of them climbed back up to the rooftops to try and find the last Fuzzy Octoling. Blueeye pulled out an Angle Shooter from his pocket and threw it into the streets below. It started bouncing off of all the walls until they heard someone squeak, “ Ack! Oh no… ” the three guys saw a locator showing someone running. Levin blasted himself in their direction and landed in front of them, shouting “Gotcha!” she turned to run only for Blueeye to land in her path, announcing “Checkmate.” the Octoling swivelled for an alleyway only for a Smallfry riding a Curling Bomb to proclaim “ You lose! ” just as the bomb exploded. Radio popped up behind it, boxing her in. She opened her mouth to say something but Levin cut her off by yelling “Blast ‘em!” and all three of them opened fire. “ My muse… So Cruel~! ” she cried as her soul drifted off to respawn…wherever Fuzzy Octolings respawn from. 

With the threat dealt with, they put their weapons away and changed back to their usual colours. “We make a good team!” Blueeye declared. “Don’t get used to it.” Levin snarled. He pointed a finger at Radio and sternly told him “You owe me, Junker.” and then stomped off. “What’s his problem?” Blueeye asked but then decided “Eh, whatever. I better get back to my shop. See ya round, bud!” Radio decided to just go back to Splatsville, but one question still remained.

How'd those Fuzzy Octolings find this place?

Chapter Text

Hanna was leading Radio and Bahn through the streets of Splatsville by the hand, her excitement practically palpable. “C'mon, we're almost there!” She told them, Bahn had one question though, “What is ‘there’ exactly?” Once the question was asked they came to a stop in front of a building. Radio read off the sign above the door, “Anarchy…Eatery…” “You brought us to a restaurant.” Bahn stated. Hanna proudly explained, “Not just any restaurant, my family’s restaurant!” The two boys shared an “Oooooohhhhh!” of realisation as they followed the girl in.

They were immediately greeted by the smell of spice and a lady. “Hanna! Vous made it!” the woman cheered and embraced her, “Hi, mom!” Hanna greeted back and returned her mother’s hug. It was then that Mrs. Bell noticed the two boys. “Et qui sont ces deux?” she asked. Radio had no idea what she said, but Bahn responded “I am Banner Buzurash, but everyone just calls me Bahn. It’s nice to meet you ma’am!” he offered a hand and the woman shook it, “Ma fille has told me much about you! Thank you for looking out pour elle, and please, call me Kanna.” 

Meanwhile, Radio was staring at Mrs. Kanna Bell. He had the sneaking suspicion they’d met before but couldn’t quite place it. He was shaken from his thoughts when Hanna elbowed him in the side and whispered “Introduce yourself, genius!” to him. Noticing all eyes were on him, Radio bowed and did as he was told. “Radio Situation, pleased to make your…acquaintance…” he said slowly, trying to get the words right. “Oh, how poli!” Hanna’s mother cooed, “Parfait pour le petit ami de ma fille!” Radio, once again, had no idea what she said, so he looked up in confusion to see Hanna’s face in a full blush and Bahn laughing his head off. “Wha- NON! No! No no no! Radio and I- we are not like that!” Hanna bashfully cried out. Bahn managed to stop laughing long enough to look at Radio and immediately doubled over again at the kid’s baffled expression. 

“Mes excuses, sweetie, I just assumed since…vous savez, il est around your age, et pas mal du tout.” Kanna explained, her daughter turned to look at Radio and replied, “Are we looking at the same guy?” The boy himself was still completely lost, “I missin’ summit?” he asked no one in particular.

Eventually, introductions were over and the misunderstanding was cleared up so they were seated at a table and given menus. Hanna and Bahn took one side of the table, Radio and his bag took the other side, allowing Smallfry to sit at the table as well. “What’s the secret meal?” Bahn questioned, looking up from his menu. “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret!” Hanna answered, before adding on, “Besides, I don’t know what it is either.” 

Radio and his Little Buddy were having their own, private discussion hidden behind their menu. “ I’m telling you, the accent, the language, the ‘secret menu’. It’s gotta be them! ” Buddy argued. “ That’s all circumstantial evidence, we need something concrete before we make assumptions. ” Radio calmly argued back. “What are you two whispering about?” Bahn then interrupted. “Menu’s hard to read.” Radio told him. Wordlessly, Hanna reached over and rotated it so he was holding it the right way up. He refused to acknowledge the fact he was holding the menu upside down and went back to hiding behind it. 

The waiter came up and asked “Are you all ready to order?” Bahn went first, deciding “I’ll find out what this ‘secret meal’ is.” “Good choice.” The waiter said, they then addressed Hanna. “The usual, I assume?” She shot them a thumbs up, “You know it!” they nodded and turned to Radio, “What about you then?” Radio laid the menu on the table, pointed to a random item on it and said “That. N’ a plate o’ clam mochi.” 

The waiter left and Radio looked up to see Bahn giving him a weird look. “Why’d you order chilli? You hate spicy food!” Bahn questioned. “Issat what I pointed to? Oops…” he responded, and got a sigh in return. 

Their food arrived and they began eating quickly. Radio put the clam mochi in front of Buddy, who cleaned the plate in record time. Radio then took a bite of the chilli, decided he still doesn’t like it, ate the rest at lightning speed and the pair of them left the table while Hanna and Bahn were distracted.  Bahn was still unable to tell what the mystery food was, “It’s crunchy, but kinda zesty as well…” he muttered to himself. Hanna was enjoying her usual order, grilled sea bream. “How’s the chilli, Rad?” Bahn asked. He got no response and looked up to find an empty bowl, empty plate and two empty seats. “Where did they go?” 

They had snuck into the kitchen, determined to figure out what’s been bothering them. Coming off from the main kitchen was another room with a “No unauthorised entry!” sign on the door. That sign didn’t stop them, because they couldn't read it, so they went in anyway. The room was actually a smaller kitchen with a huge freezer. Radio opened that freezer and found the remains of the giant antlion he had killed and sold to the Gastronomer. 

“Ahem.” a voice from behind caught their attention and the pair turned to see Kanna Bell looming over them. “Junker.” She accosted, and he acknowledged her, “Gastronomer.” She picked him up by his collar and demanded, “‘Ow much ‘ave vous told Hanna?!” “Nothing.” he answered. “Bon. Keep it zat vay, ou vous vill be ze next secret menu item!” she threatened, but Radio was not shaken, he simply told the woman “Was th’ plan.” She put him down after that.

Hanna and Bahn saw Radio walk out of the kitchen, admonishing his Smallfry, and being followed by Hanna’s mother. “What happened?” Hanna asked them. “Buddy snuck inno the kitchen N’ I followed. We was caught.” Kanna had a smile on her face, though and told them, “He is such a nice boy! drôle, talentueux et unique. un petit ami parfait!” 

Hanna started blushing again and yelled, “Maman!” as Bahn started laughing again, leaving Radio confused once more.

Chapter Text

Radio was just returning from a trip into the Splatlands when he saw some guy fall into the sewers. Which, in a normal city, would be kinda funny and warrant a quick emergency service call. Splatsville is no normal city, so instead Radio jumped down too.

He landed down in the market and set about locating the bozo who fell in, which was pretty easy. Casual streetwear sticks out like a sore thumb down here, where it’s ‘function over fashion’ and ‘whatever doesn’t have too many holes in it’. So, he followed them discreetly, which was also pretty easy seeing as they were so distracted trying to find a way out and avoid bumping into anyone. Eventually the unfortunate sap ended up near Blueeye’s shop, and the man saw an opportunity.

Blueeye stood up, catching the Outsdier’s attention, and greeted them “Well howdy there, stranger! Don’t see fresh faces around here all that often, what’cha lookin’ for?” “I-I’m looking for a way out!” the frightened youth exclaimed. Blueeye threw a hand over their shoulder and guided them closer to his shop, “Aw, but ya just got here! It’d be a waste to not buy something! And why not buy from your new friend, Blueeye?” Radio had to admit, that new slogan was working pretty well for the guy. “Tell you what, See all this?” The man gestured to the items on the countertop, “It can all be yours for the low, low price of 45k!” The new kid looked at all the stuff being offered and asked, “That’s almost everything I have, what even is all this?” The vendor gave a friendly fake chuckle and said “Oh, you don’t know~? This is absolute top-quality material, my friend! Ain’t that right, Junker?”

Attention suddenly jumped to Radio, so the boy looked at what was being offered. It was all undeniably useless rubbish. Some random small bits of sheet metal, strips of tinfoil straightened out, repurposed plastic from food packaging and some soda cans with the logos scratched off. Radio nodded in relation to Blueeye’s question, knowing full well that this kid was about to get scammed and not caring. The hustler grinned, “See? I guarantee you, anything you make or fix with this stuff will work. Perfectly. It’s like MAGIC, my guy!” He then spun around and held his hand out, asking “Do we have a deal?” the unsuspecting soon-to-be victim was still hesitant, “How can I carry all that, though?” they asked. “Not to worry! As a first time buyer you’ll also receive a free backpack!” Blueeye announced while lifting a bag up from nowhere. “DEAL!” The fool agreed. The money was handed over, the backpack was filled up and the unlucky sucker was sent on their way. “Follow the blue arrow signs, they’ll take ya to the safest exit!” Blueeye told them. 

Once the stooge was gone and out of earshot, Blueeye sat back down with a content sigh. “That was so easy I almost feel bad.” If Radio’s face wasn’t covered the shit-eating smile on his face would be obvious, “I don’t.” he told his associate. “Thanks for playin’ along back there, here’s 5k.” Blueeye offered, and the Salvager happily accepted. Then he realised something. “Told him to follow the blue arrows.” Radio stated. “Yep.” was the response.

“Evil man.”

“I know, half-wit’s absolutely gonna get robbed on the way out!” 

The two colluders shared a laugh.

Chapter Text

Deep Cut were lurking in the Splatlands, searching for their next big heist, and were currently skulking around the side of a rather large hill. Big Man was taking point, Shiver in the middle and Frye bringing up the rear. Frye was also dragging a hand across the side of the hill, so she was confused when the gritty stone texture suddenly felt like cloth. “Guys, check this out!” she called to her bandmates and held the curtain aside, revealing a cave behind it. “Ay! (Someone must really want to hide this cave!)” Big Man exclaimed. “Which means there’s something valuable in there, I know it!” Shiver followed up, barely containing her excitement.

Frye walked in, only to feel something snag on her leg after 10 steps. A giant metal pole swung down right where she was standing, forcing her to leap back. A couple more poles followed it and Frye ended up back out of the cave. “What the heck was that?!” she cried out. A voice from within the cave then roared “ WHO’S THERE? ” Deep Cut froze in fear at what sounded like the bellow of a King Salmonid, until Shiver realised, “Radio?” The voice yelled back “ NO, I’M RADIO! ” “It’s me, Shiver! With Frye and Big Man!” she called out. “Ay, ay! (Yeah, please don’t hurt us!)” Big Man pleaded. “ Oh! ” the boy expressed his surprise, still sounding weirdly distorted. Suddenly the cave lit up and they could see Radio, standing with a Bloblobber in his hands, with a weird contraption in front of his mouth. “ Come in, N’ watch th’ trip wires! ” 

The three idols entered, being careful where they stepped, and met Radio at the back of the cave. It was surprisingly quaint in there. A wooden table and chair with some tools and materials spread out over and around it, a bed and mattress that the boy was currently sitting on, a small wicker basket next to the bed, an electrical generator whirring away in the corner and random knickknacks and doodads scattered about. “ Wel- ” the boy started before remembering he still sounded all echoey, he took the device off of his face and tried again, “Welcome!” he handed them some cushions to sit down on which Shiver and Frye accepted, Big Man remained standing and asked “Ay? (What is this place?)” “S’ my secret base!” he told them. “What’s that?” Frye then asked, pointing to the thing he was wearing before. “A voice amplifier, it makes me sound louder, so it’s good for scaring off intruders. I built it myself.” he answered. Buddy had wandered over and was running around the group excitedly. “How long have you had this set up?” Shiver questioned. “Long time… The lights and generator are more recent additions, there’s solar panels up top powering it all, but I’ve had this longer than I’ve been set up in Splatsville.” he explained, gaze turned towards the basket on the floor.

Deep Cut all saw this and then turned to each other to have a quick group meeting. “I don’t like what he’s implying…” Shiver whispered “If you mean him implying he lived here as a baby, I agree.” Frye replied, as hushed as she can be. The Octoling bit her lip in thought and eventually growled out “Grr… Irritating child!” “Ay… (You two need to stop holding grudges.)” the Manta Ray reprimanded. “Not until after the rematch!” Frye argued back, a little too loudly. “What rematch?” Radio asked “Uh- Nothing! Don’t worry about it!” she hastily replied. The boy shrugged and went back to rummaging through his stuff. 

“Ay? (What motivated you to move to Splatsville?)” Big Man inquired. “Gets lonely out here. N’ cold. Can’t Turf War out here neither.” he listed before exclaimed “Found it!” He pulled out a flashlight from a pile of stuff and held it up. “Least I think is this one…” Radio pointed it at Deep Cut and turned it on. The three idols' vision was completely overtaken by blinding light. “Yep, wassat one!” was the last thing they heard.

When the light faded, they found themselves in a derelict train car instead of…where were they again? “What happened?” Frye asked in genuine confusion. “I…don’t know. Weren’t we just outside?” Shiver contemplated. “Ay, ay… (Maybe we should go back home, the heat’s clearly getting to us.)” Big Man suggested, so Deep Cut trudged back to their studio, disappointed in not having found any treasure, but hopeful for next time.

Meanwhile back at the secret base, Radio threw the flashlight back into the pile with all the other ones and sighed “ Really wish they’d stop finding this place… ”

Chapter Text

“I’m just saying, Nessie can’t be real because Scotland isn’t real!”

“Introduce me to your geography teacher, so I can slap ‘em!”

“Uhm ackshually, Aliens are the most shcientifically plausible option.”

“🤓”

“How’d you just say a nerd emoji?”

“Is it so impossible that a mammal survived and is Bigfoot?”

“If Bigfoot was real they’d’ve found it already, they’ve been searching for 12 years!”

And these are just some of the arguments going on around Splatsville. Inkopolis has more civilised discussions, unless A Splatlandian visitor is involved. That’s not to say Splatlandians are incapable of cordial dialogue, in fact here’s one now:

“Rad, you’ve been to space, haven’t you?” Bahn asked his young friend. The boy nodded while their female friend gawped at them in disbelief. “See any aliens while you were up there?” was the Octoling’s second question. “I ain’t see anythin’ up there, but I was a li’l busy with other stuff at the time.” Radio answered. Hanna interjected after that, “I’m sorry, WHAT?! You went to SPACE!?” The two boys suddenly remembered she was there and also realised ‘she doesn’t know’. “Long story N’ if I told ya’ I have to kill m’self.” Radio responded. 

“Can I get whatever he’s having?” 

“I don’t think it’s worth it, Hanna.”

Chapter Text

Full disclosure for the historian who finds this journal/diary/whatever, I am a habitual liar. Take anything written in here with a grain of salt. Also, I want a documentary about me! 

To those in Splatsville’s black market, my name is Blueeye.

To those in the streets of the City of Chaos, my name is Redeye.

To those in the streets of Inkopolis, I’m known as Baddie.

To my friends, I am Red.

To my dearly departed wife, Mara, I was Lester. But he died with her.

Used to be a Private Investigator in Inkopolis, me and my buddy Dane. We had a good thing going. Dane had the equipment and I had the know-how, so we did it together. Solved some pretty major cases, too. The lost bust at Museum d’Alfonsino (One of the workers stole it to try and pawn it off) and the theft of the Morris Family’s Emblem of Pride. I’m still not entirely sure what an ‘Emblem of Pride’ is even after, like, 8 years but it was clearly important enough for one of the servants to want it.

We also got some pretty ridiculous cases, like statues that laugh in the night or ringing phones

OoooOOooo~

Kids come up with the strangest pranks, eh?

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Inkopolis is so peaceful and quiet, who would need a P.I?” 

Well, first of all, You’re welcome for that!

Second, sometimes the police ain’t the most helpful option, too busy with more pressing crimes or trying to sort out the youths. Some situations you need help with sooner than the police can give it to ya, that’s where we come in.

Not saying the cops are bad at their jobs or anything! Worked with ‘em on multiple occasions, always good to have around.

Our last case is one I wish I could forget. Some old geezer, and I’m talkin’ WAY old, hobbles in shoutin’ about ‘The Octarian Menace’ and that they’re gonna steal the Zapfish “Any day now, Sonny!” We laugh him off, of course, thinking this is just the deranged ramblings of a senile old squid.

(Side note: The Octarian Menace is a pretty good movie, watch it if you haven’t. I’m friends with the lead actress’ Husband’s Cousin.) 

Next day, Great Zapfish and all the little Zapfish are all gone. Dane and I are freaking out because “Holy shit, old dude was onto something!” We do some investigating on that crashed UFO which gets us nowhere, and then we search for that old man but he’s just GONE! Basically dropped off the face of the earth! All our digging and the only important thing we drudge up is the existence of a ‘Squidbeak Splatoon’. Either way, start the next month, Great Zapfish is back and nobody seems to have cared if it was even gone, so whatever, right?

After that, Dane and I decided it was time to move on. He had goals and aspirations and I had shit I wanted to do, too. We closed up shop, parted ways on amicable terms and have never talked to each other since. Yeah. Don’t know what he’s doing now, where he is, if he’s even alive or if he even remembers me. I don’t really care. 

I moved to Splatsville. I’ve always had a habit of collecting rare and cool looking things, so I figured I’d do it full time, and what better place to do business than the City of Chaos? Back when the place wasn’t much more than a town and the underground wasn’t much more than just the sewers. My first new piece of treasure was a set of Genuine Octoling Armour from some bloke who I’m pretty sure was actually my friend’s friend, Bahn. Small world, eh?

The years go by, Splatsville develops into the bustling concrete jungle it’s known as now, and the Underground becomes a sprawling marketplace where you can find anything your heart desires! For the right price. I built a reputation for being eccentric but giving a fair price. Plenty rich already (don’t ask how, I’m not explaining) no reason not to give what something’s worth.

One day I’m doing as I usually do, chilling outside my home/shop when I see this tiny little inkstain walking around. I’m all like “Ayo, whose baby is this?” so I call the kid over, ask if he’s lost or something, all that jazz. Kid introduces himself as ‘Junker’ in probably the most disgusting butchery of the Inkling language I’ve ever heard. The Smallfry on his head answered why the kid was so bad at Inkling despite, y’know, being an Inkling. 

Clearly, kid’s all on his own, and, Cod Damnit, if he ain’t the most adorable thing I ever seen. I can’t help myself, it’s bad business, but I help the kid out. Glad I did, he’s one of my most reliable business partners. Dare I say we might even be…friends? 

I’ve been pretty jovial throughout this thing, but I mean this part 100%:

Hat over my heart, I’d travel to the ends of the earth for that boy.

But yeah, turns out he’d evenrually become kind of a big deal. One of the ‘Major Players’ in the Outer Splatlands Turf War. Purely by accident he tells me, just trying to keep hold of what’s his, not trying to grab any more ground. He claimed the Crater Region anyway so, like, make up your mind kid! I guess he and I are kinda an unofficial team and he did bring me all that super cool stuff from that…Alternia or whatever it was called, so he’s got my support! Not that he didn’t already, but- Ah, whatever. I don’t have to justify myself to you.

More recently, the train line between Inkopolis and Splatsville was completed. I figured I’d go visit the old stomping grounds, just for fun. You’ll never guess who I met on the train. Junker, who I now know is actually called Radio! And Bahn, the guy I bought that Octoling Armour off of! There was a girl as well, she kinda reminds me of the Gastronomer… I think Hanna was her name.

I met some familiar faces and even went to see the old office. Currently still vacant.

Even more recently I learned that Junker is a part of the ‘New Squidbeak Splatoon’ which is a name I never expected to hear again. And that the kid’s new turf is fuckin’ weird! And I only saw a small bit of it! I wonder how much that rocket’s going for?

Thinking back on that incident with those Octolings with the furry heads, that one that really wanted the kid…

I lied to him and said I couldn’t understand her, but I did indeed know what they said. 

It reminds me of how Mara and I met.

It started with a quick encounter on a long-haul train journey.

Included a fist-fight, car chase, awkward night locked in a cabinet together, one too many ciders and a solved murder case.

Ended with her kidnapping me and carving her name into my back with a knife to “Claim her turf” and a shotgun wedding shortly after, while I was still bleeding.

I miss that crazy bitch, but I sure hope the kid doesn’t have a similar experience with the fuzzy chick.

SO! Those Thieves Gang lot…

Annoying pricks. The lot of ‘em!

I get it, really, I do. Thieves Gang rolls off the tongue better than Murderer Gang, but good lord! Such wanton butchery! Such mindless destruction! And they were only buying cereal!

How does the breakfast run end with 13 dead, 7 injured and 3 missing?!

Regardless, I am a businessman. Personal opinions do not get in the way of business, so I am forced to remain cordial with them. 

Except for those twins, I swear they do that shit on purpose and if they try pulling the wool over my eyes again I’ll gouge their eyes out with a spoon and put them in each other’s heads. 

I have complained to their Boss, but I don’t think he listened to me.

Sure hope the neighbours don’t find the cast of angry crabs I accidentally corralled into their living rooms...

SO! How much of this is true? how much of it is complete bollocks I just made up?

Who knows?

Besides me, obviously.

Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

- Lester/Blueeye/Redeye Baddguy, Inkopolis P.I/Splatsville Business Group

Chapter Text

Agent 3 stood before the Captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon and Former Cap’n Cuttlefish. Neither of them looked too happy. “Agent 3, you can’t use military grade weaponry against civilians!” the Captain told him, sounding exasperated, “It is a gross misuse of equipment and unauthorised.” Cuttlefish then asked him “Now why don’t you explain ya’self, Bucko?” So Radio defended himself, “They was criminals N’ they attacked me first, so it was self defence.” “We know they were criminals, but that’s technically worse, from a rules standpoint, and it’s more paperwork than I want to deal with.” Captain explained to him.

Things went back and forth like this for a while. Agent 3 explaining why he should be allowed to use the Hero Shot whenever he wants and the Captain telling him why he isn’t allowed to use the Hero Shot whenever he wants. Until eventually, the Captain snapped, “Agent 3, you are being insubordinate! You have ignored my warnings and are arguing against your superiors! This will require punishment!” “Uh oh…” Was all Radio had to say. Cuttlefish came to his rescue, sort of, asking “Agent 3, you still got that Hero Shot Replica we gave ya?” the boy nodded so the old man continued “Good! Cuz you’re gonna be usin’ it for Turf Wars for the foreseeable future! But you’re gonna need some new gear first, so let's get to it!” he declared as pointed towards the exit back to Splatsville. Agent 1 then appeared behind them and yelled “Heck yeah! Impromptu shopping trip!” before attempting to drag Agent 3 off to the city. Luckily, Agent 2 stopped her “Callie, shouldn’t we put on disguises first?” Callie dropped Agent 3 and said “Oops, you’re right!” and dashed off with Marie to go get changed.

“Suppose I’ll tag along too.” The Captain said as they stood up. While standing up they also performed a quick change into some casual gear. The flip flops stayed but she swapped out the rags for a grey hoodie and took off her Captain’s Hat leaving the headphones hanging around her neck. Radio stared at her until she took notice of it, “What?” she asked “Sorry, jus’...normaller than I was ‘specting.” Shortly thereafter, the Squid Sister reappeared in their disguises and they set off.

The New Squidbeak Splatoon gathered in the Splatsville square to discuss their plan. “So, where do we go first?” Callie asked. Cuttlefish responded “I know exactly what shirt to get ya, Agent 3! You’ll be dope and fresh with it!” While the four agents were recovering from the psychic damage the dry old man drifted off. “Tha’s the weapon shop, Gramps!” Radio called out to him Craig stopped and drifted back to them “Heh, sorry. This ol’ noggin ain’t what it used to be!” Radio led them over to Man-o’-Wardrobe but before they went in he had to double-check something, “Ya sure you know the right shirt? Cuz I wanna spend as li’l time in there as possible.” The old man confirmed he did and they went in. 

“Ah, you are here. Good.” Jel La Fleur ‘greeted’ them and Radio made it a point to avoid eye contact with him. Cuttlefish drifted around to find the right shirt, eventually locating what he was after, an Octo Tee. “This is the one!” he said “Why, I bet-” Before he could finish, Radio grabbed the shirt, slapped the money on the counter and ran out of the building. “What was that about?” the Captain wondered. She soon found out when Jel La Fleur came up to them and began a lecture on fashion.

An hour later the rest of them escaped Man-o’-Wardrobe and re-joined Radio, who had ordered food and was eating. “I see why you didn’t want to spend too much time in there…” the Captain mumbled as they sat down to join him. “I’ve learned more about fashion in the last hour than our fashion designer ever managed to teach us.” Marie chuckled to herself, although she was still exhausted like the rest of them. Radio and Buddy slid some food over to them and they gladly ate. (Don’t ask me how Cuttlefish eats, I don’t know.)

Recharged with food, they decided to get shoes next, and Marie decided to give a recommendation. “You should try these Tenya OctoReds, red and black are hot colours right now!” “As we recently learned.” Callie added on. “Aren’t those the same shoes Agent 4 wears when he’s performing?” The Captain asked. Marie explained to her, “4 wears Red Hi-horses, a Green Zip Hoodie and Squidfin Hook Cans when he’s on stage. His casual gear consists of Navy Enperrials, a Black Layered LS and Tinted Shades. While he was a student he’d wear White Arrowbands and the School Cardigan, but would keep his Enperrials on.”

When Marie finished her explanation the Captain gave her a concerned look and told her “I asked about his shoes, not his entire wardrobe! Why do you know all that?!” Marie looked offended “What do you mean? This is all completely normal stuff to know about someone!” Gramps then floated forward, “I can understand wantin’ to keep an eye on your fellow agents, but this seems more like a breach o’ privacy.” At that point Callie and Radio returned with a shoebox. “What’s happening?” Callie asked, Marie just dismissed it all. “Nothing, let’s go.” and then she left Crush Station. “We’re finishing this conversation later, missy!” Cuttlefish called out after her as they all left too. Marie was fully aware they weren’t finishing this conversation later.

The last thing to get was headgear, and Callie took the lead this time. “Anything in particular you look for in headgear, 3?” she asked him. “How well it hides my face.” Radio responded, Callie pouted “Aw, but why would you want to hide your adorable face?!” The boy beckoned everyone closer so he could whisper to them, “There’s a reason Deep Cut call themselves bandits and not treasure hunters. Call it what you will but what we do ain’t legal. People recognizing my face would be bad.” “But Deep Cut are, like, the biggest celebs of this city, how do they get away with it?” Marie whispered back, the Captain replied with “According to an interview I saw in a magazine, the general public doesn’t seem to be fully aware of their…true profession.” “Somehow. They aren’t exactly subtle about it.” Smallfry added on. “Dagnabbit! Why’re you all whisperin?! Speak up So I can hear ya!” Dry old Cuttlefish yelled out. “Dun worry ‘bout it, Gramps. Hat time!” Radio responded and then wandered off towards Naut Couture.

“Hats, hats… What’s a good hat for a wanted criminal?” Callie mumbled to herself very loudly, drawing the attention of several other patrons and the store owners. “Hypothetically.” she quickly added on. “Understandable, have a nice day.” one person responded and everyone went back to their business. She breathed a sigh of relief and went back to shopping. After deliberating it for far too long, she declared “This one!” and picked up a Bamboo Hat. She then paid for it, Nails commenting “I can see that workin’ for a criminal.” Callie excitedly ran back over and put the hat in Radio’s hands. “Now, let’s see it all together, come on!” she cheered and started dragging the boy out towards the changing rooms. She didn’t pull him far, though, as once they left Naut Couture, Radio jumped over the railings and off the balcony. He landed on his feet and kept walking as if nothing happened.

The boy reappeared and asked “How’d I look?” 

“I knew that shirt would suit ya, bucko!”

“Those are some fresh kicks, just like I expected.”

“That. Hat. Is. AMAZING!”

The Captain had a devious look in her eyes, “You look fresh, but you know what would make it fresher?” Radio shook his head. “A photoshoot.” she stated and Radio shook his head harder, “Nuh uh, no way, asolutely not!” “I think you’ll find you don’t have a choice, this is part of your punishment.” the Captain informed him as the Squid Sisters each grabbed him by one of his arms. “Bleh, fine.” he relented.

For all his complaining, the photoshoot did turn out fairly well.

Chapter Text

Radio was waiting inside Bahn’s apartment, wearing his Desert Survival Gear (patent pending) whilst Bahn put on something more appropriate for the desert. They were going out into the Splatlands together today to search for the UFO Bahn crashed there several years ago when he first arrived. “How do I look?” Bahn asked as he entered the living room. The only thing that was different was that he was wearing a pair of pilot goggles instead of his glasses. “It’ll do.” was all Radio said in response, “Less go.” and with that, the two set off from the apartment.

“Uh…this is a train station?” Bahn realised. “Yeah.” Radio confirmed, “Didja think I walked out t’ desert every time?” he asked. “I…yes, but this makes more sense.” a train soon arrived and the two got on, alongside some other fishy passengers. They each took a seat and Smallfry hopped out to join them. “So whas’is flyin’ thingie look like?” Radio inquired. “Well it was blue when I crashed it, but the paint’s probably come off by now.” Bahn told him. “Any landmarks near it?” was his next question. “Pretty sure there was a ravine or something I almost went over.” 

Before any more questions could be asked, the ticket checker entered the carriage and started punching tickets. When they got to the two of them they just looked at Bahn, then Radio, then back to Bahn and then back to Radio. When Radio nodded, the ticket checker moved on. Once they exited their carriage into the next one, Bahn had to ask, “What was that? You don’t need a ticket?” “They know me.” Radio explained, “N’ they know who’s keepin’ this railroad safe.” Bahn didn’t need to ask ‘from what’, he knew it was the Thieves Gang. 

Eventually they arrived at the next station. “This our stop.” Radio announced as he stood up, so Bahn followed him out. They were the only ones who got off at the stop and the train soon set off further into the desert. “What else is out there that people need to get to?” Bahn wondered. “Scorch Gorge, them ruins and Mincemetal Meatworks.” Radio filled in, Bahn corrected him, “It’s ‘Mincemeat Metalworks’.” “Yeah, that.”

“It’s all well and good we’re here, but…how do we search the whole desert for one thing?” Bahn asked as he peered out into the endless rolling sands. When he turned to Radio he found him climbing on top of the platform roof. He held a hand out for him and said “Get up here N’ lift me up!”

If anyone saw what they were doing they’d have been very confused. A man standing on top of a gazebo with a boy sat on his shoulders and a Smallfry on top of the boy’s head looking through a Charger Scope with no Charger. “ I think I see it! ” Little Buddy chirped, “ It’s by Entropy Break! ” “Entropy Break? Deep Cut’s Turf… Eh, Sure they won’t mind!” Radio thought aloud to himself, forgetting Bahn was there. “ENTROPY BREAK?! That’s on the other side of the desert! It’ll take all day to walk there!” He cried. “Good thing we ain’t walkin’!” Radio cheerily told him and hopped back down to the ground and opened up a trap door in the station platform and gestured for Bahn to go down it. With only a little nervousness, he did and Smallfry jumped in after him. Radio grabbed onto the ladder and closed the trap door before sliding down to join them. “Why didn’t you tell there was a ladder?!” Bahn complained, “Cuz ya ken see it!” Radio argued, “Well I can’t now!” Bahn argued back as there was no light in…”Wait, what is this? Where are we?” Bahn questioned, dropping the argument entirely. “THIS! Is part of my Secret Base! N’ where I keep me Dune Buggy!” Radio proudly proclaimed.

Bahn was stunned into silence. What part does he question first? The secret base or the dune buggy? A light suddenly appeared on the floor as Smallfry retrieved a flashlight from…somewhere and turned it on so they could see. “Mind the trip wires, they’s are traps.” Radio warned as they proceeded further into the tunnel. Soon enough, after stepping over several trip wires and traps they reached something similar to a garage, which Radio unlocked and opened to reveal a sleek yellow Dune Buggy. The tunnel they were in lit up with lights when the garage was opened. “Where did you get this from?” Bahn asked with a disapproving tone. “Oh, ya know…” Radio started. And then didn’t finish, just letting the statement die, indicating he wasn’t going to tell Bahn. “How long have you had this ‘secret base’ set up?” was Bahn’s next question. “Long time.” He told him, “Longer than we’ve known each other.” Bahn didn’t want to think about the implications of that sentence. 

Having checked everything, Radio jumped into the driver’s seat and patted the passenger seat for Bahn. “I’m assuming you don’t have a licence to drive this thing.” Bahn told him. “S’not like anyone’s out here t’ stop me!” Radio informed him before slamming down the accelerator and zipping out into the tunnel. A short, high speed drive through the tunnel later, they emerged back above ground and were soon zooming across the dunes. Radio was fully focused on controlling the vehicle while Smallfry enjoyed the wind in its hair and Bahn clung onto whatever he could, trying not to scream in fear.

“I grant you, that drastically shortened the commute time,” Bahn admitted, “But I am NEVER getting in a vehicle with you behind the wheel again!” Radio just shrugged. “ It’s this way! ” Buddy exclaimed and ran off, prompting the two of them to get up and follow it.  They crested a hill and there it was, gracelessly sticking out of the sand like a huge dinner plate. Bahn ran up to it, “It really is still here!” he happily cried and put a hand on it. He then quickly pulled his hand away and yelped “YOW! That’s hot!” “Duh.” Radio mocked, Bahn just rolled his eyes back at him. 

“Never thought I’d see the day, Junker with a friend other than the fish!” A voice suddenly proclaimed. An Inkling in scrappy looking armour and short shorts approached them, wielding what, at first glance, appeared to be a Splatana Wiper, but upon closer inspection was a lot sharper looking. “Uh, you know this person?” Bahn trepidatiously asked. Radio heaved a sigh, “Won, from the Thieves Gang…” “You remember me? GAHAHAHA! Good!” Won howled and then lunged at the pair who both separated. They landed atop the scorching metal of the crashed saucer but rather than pull back in pain, simply laughed. 

Radio withdrew a metal pole from his backpack to use as a weapon and started clanging it against a rock to get the lunatic’s attention. Bahn, meanwhile, whipped out his new N-ZAP ‘89. While Radio and Won duelled, Bahn got into a position to fire at Won. They never took note of the man manoeuvring around them, too focused on the prey in front of them. The trigger was pulled and ink was fired directly into Won’s back. They giggled and turned to face Bahn, “Heehehe! That tickles.” Disturbed doesn’t even begin to describe how Bahn felt when looking at this person. “You are crazy!” he cried.

Everything went still. Won’s arms dropped, their eyes shrunken in shock. Radio had a look of genuine terror on his face. Smallfry had stopped bouncing and twitching. Even the wind stopped blowing. Won began to speak, voice going from a growly deep cadence to something more…childish. “Crazy? Wh- huh- Wh-what c-c-c-could you possibly mean? I-I’m not crazy! Heh, heeheh. Ahaha- AHAHAHAHA! I AM NOT- crazY! I…I… I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!” they screamed and hefted their weapon up. Radio then whacked them in the back of the head. “AFTER I KILL HIM!” they decided and began swinging at Radio with reckless abandon. The boy deftly ducked, dodged and deflected each and every slash, seemingly not paying attention to where he was backing up to, as he soon ended up one step away from going over the edge and falling down the ravine. 

Won lunged blade first straight for him and Radio sidestepped and took out their legs from under them, sending them tumbling down Entropy Break. The three of them carefully leaned over the edge. “Are they OK?” Bahn asked, Radio quirked an eyebrow at that so Bahn clarified “Physically, I mean.” he nodded and told him “Blew ‘em up with dynamite N’ they walked it off so prolly’ll be fine.” 

“Where did you get dynamite?!”

“Anyway, spaceship!”

Chapter Text

When Agent 3 joined the New Squidbeak Splatoon he wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Danger, obviously, but not much else. Alterna, Deep Cut, Mr. Grizz. All unexpected surprises but not… entirely terrible. The worst part, he decided, was what had to happen after all the excitement was over. Routine patrols.

Not only were they boring because there’s nothing happening out here except for them, but some of these people have zero comm etiquette. The amount of chatter over their radio’s could make a veteran cry. Between Marie’s awful puns, Callie focus testing a script, the inane old man ramblings of Craig Cuttlefish, Big Man and the Captain occasionally giving useful advice and Shiver and Frye’s very unsubtle flirting it was a miracle Radio hadn’t gone insane.

“Get a room, you two.” A sudden, deep voice growled. “Agent 4?!” Marie realised, “How long have you been listening?” “The whole time!” he told them, “I could do without the softcore smut while I’m driving, though.” A thoroughly embarrassed Shiver asked “Was it that obvious?” “I mean, I didn’t want to say anything, but…” Callie began and the Captain finished for her, “Yeah, we all noticed. Some of us would have preferred not to.” Not wanting to hear anymore of this, Radio spoke up, “Site 3, all clear.” then muttered to himself “ Just like it always is… ” “Good, head back to camp. There’s things we need to discuss.” the Captain ordered. As he prepared to Super Jump back, the boy just had to ask “What does ‘smut’ mean?” He was met with several gasps, a couple chokes and Agent 4’s raucous laughter. When 4 noticed no one else was laughing he cleared his throat and said “I’ll tell ya when you’re older.” and dropped out of the call. 

When Agent 3 arrived at Squid Sisters Camp the Captain greeted him by telling him “If 4 or any of his friends say something that you don’t know the meaning of, don’t repeat it. It was bad enough when 8 did it.” Radio could clearly tell there was a story there but decided not to push it. “Anyway we need to talk about your medical records.” Uh oh. “Specifically your lack thereof.” Radio had nothing to say, so he said nothing. “Is it safe to assume you don’t have a General Practitioner or similar?” Marie questioned. “Issere even a hospital in Splatsville?” Frye came over the comms and told him “Splatsville General Hospital is on Ataxia Street, you can’t miss it!” “Ay? (What did you usually do if you got sick or injured?)” Big Man inquired. “Uh…treat m’self best I could N’ wait till either I got better or died?” the boy answered apprehensively. “Healthcare is free to all citizens of Splatsville! What have you been doing?!” Shiver yelled at him. “Don’t legally ‘xist so am not actually a citizen.” the Captain sighed “This just got a lot more complicated…”

“Huh…place s’prisingly nice…” Radio mumbled, looking up at the cross on the roof of the hospital. “Splatsville may be a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it’s also home to one of the best hospitals in the world!” Shiver announced, Deep Cut now joining them in person. “Excellent stab victim ward, too!” Frye informed them. “...Good to know?” Marie hesitantly responded.

Once inside Marie and the Captain headed to the front desk to ask questions while Callie dragged Radio over to the toys in the waiting room. Meanwhile Deep Cut were being swarmed by fans outside and so were abandoned. The receptionist was handing them tons of paperwork, with the Captain occasionally turning to keep an eye on Radio and Callie, she was explaining to him how the bead roller coasters worked. Once they had all the things they needed, they had to pull the children away from the toys. “But Maaaarrrr!” Callie whined, but Marie wasn’t having any of it, “You are 24, nearly 25, Callie! Act like it!”

Once they were back outside they found Deep Cut, no longer surrounded by a crowd, exhausted. “Ay… (That was a nightmare…)” Big Man groaned, Frye meanwhile had bigger problems “They stole my shoes! And I wasn’t even wearing any!” “Yeah, that was kinda weird.” Shiver agreed. “Well, you’ll be happy to know that we got all the paperwork, we just need to sign it.” Marie told them. At this point, Radio looked up from trying to read the documents and said “I may not understand most of this but I do understand this part.” and pointed at a part at the bottom that read:

Signature of Parent/Guardian: _______

“Ah, shit I didn’t see that part!” the Captain swore. “Who wants to pretend to be Agent 3’s Guardian?” The question was followed by an awkward silence.

“I still don’t see why we can’t just steal the stuff?” was how Frye broke the silence. “I think we’d all prefer a qualified professional doing this in a safe environment.” Marie explained to her. “Ay, ay? (Don’t you guys have, like, a medic or something?)” Big Man asked. “Technically Agent 4 is our most qualified medic.” Callie replied. “What, how?!” Shiver exclaimed, “Are there two Agent 4’s? There’s no way that guy is the best medic you have!” Suddenly everyone’s phones went off.

Kaboom(4) > I am fully trained and certified as a field medic and ambulance driver. Don’t ask why or how.

Kaboom(4) > And I can do surgery in an emergency.

Kaboom(4) > Also, Cap should probably turn her headset off.

Bahn > What the hell prompted that?

The Captain mumbled “S-shut up, 4…” into her headphones and then turned them off.

It was eventually decided that Marie would pretend to be Agent 3’s Guardian and from there the plan went off without a hitch. Radio sat in the doctor’s office with a sleeve rolled up, Marie told him “This won’t hurt, OK?” the boy nodded and the Doctor stabbed the needle in and injected the vaccine. “Ow! Liar!” Radio complained, “Oh, now you listen to me?” Marie shot back and Radio shut his mouth. The process was over quickly and they were given the usual spiel about possible side effects and what not to do for a while and they were soon out of the hospital and away.

“Science really has come a long way. All those diseases and stuff, prevented by just one little shot.”

Chapter Text

Blueeye was doing as he usually does, sitting around behind a counter looking half asleep, waiting for someone to stop by or look easy enough to scam. Unfortunately for him, the person to stop by was a young-ish Inkling wearing a ridiculous Viking hat and glasses who immediately ripped a fat vape in his face. He waved the cloud away with his hat before standing up, “Free, of the Thieves Gang. To what do I owe the…pleasure?” the youth smiled and said “Heh-hey, Blue! Ate sent me to get her an engine, help a dude out?” 

Blueeye crouched beneath the counter to search while asking “She say what kind of engine?” Free just shrugged, “Does it matter?” ‘ Yes, but that’s not my problem ’ the businessman thought to himself before slapping a small motor onto the counter. “Reckon that’ll do it.” he muttered before Free blew another vape cloud in his face. Blueeye wafted it away with his hat again. “Thanks for smoking that USB stick in my face, arsehole.” the thief just waved it off, “It’s just air, man!” he told him. “Air doesn’t smell like that, nor does it create a smokescreen.” Blueeye grouched and then changed subjects back to the engine. “SO! This thing’ll cost you 2,700 G. Do you wanna haggle now or skip to when you realise I’m the fairest option?” As if by some divine miracle, Free accepted the price, “Ate gave me 3,000 for the errand so I’ll take it!” The young dude dropped the requested amount on the counter and started musing to themself. “Maybe I’ll use the leftovers to buy some new flavours?” while they were thinking and bouncing they blew another cloud in Blueeye’s direction.

Suddenly, Free found themselves no longer hopping in place, but dangling in the air. Blueeye had leapt over the table and picked them by the scruff of their shirt. “Do that again and you’ll be buying the flavour I drown you in!” he growled in the kid’s face. Deciding they were sufficiently scared by the action, Blueeye put the young thief back on the floor and put the motor in their hands. “Get.” was all he had to say and Free was running away. Blueeye grabbed the money on the counter as he hopped back over and sat down in his chair with a huff. “Bloody zoomers…”

The next customer to approach was Shiver from Deep Cut wearing a shark mask. He’s not supposed to know it’s Shiver but, as one of the few people in Splatsville’s Underworld with a functioning brain and two working eyes, it’s pretty obvious. ‘ Maybe they should consider an outfit change to go with the theatre masks ’. As the idol in disguise approached, the man stood up. “What’s someone as beautiful as you doing in a place like this?” he questioned, catching the Octoling’s attention, and her ire shortly after as she glares at him. 

Not at all put off by the icy reception, he guides her over to his shop. “You lookin’ for parts? Weapons?” Blueeye slings an arm over her shoulder and whispers “Companionship?” Shiver grabbed his arm, pulled it away from her and spat “Don’t flatter yourself, Inkubus.” Blueeye guffawed and stepped back over his counter. “A joke! Relax, love, I’m spoken for. SO! Seriously, how can I help?” Shiver retrieved a ruby pendant from…actually, it’s better not to ask where…and told him “I need to have this valued.” Blueeye leaned over the table to get a good look at it. “Normally I charge for gem evaluations,” That’s a lie “But for a fellow blue haired and red-eyed individual, I’ll cut you a deal and do it free of charge!” he told her, flashing his best award-winning smile. “Sure, but do it out here.” She agreed, so Blueeye went inside his home and returned with a microscope. Sliding the pendant underneath, he made some idle chatter. “Red corundum are called rubies, while corundum of any other colour is called a sapphire.” “I don’t care.” Shiver coldly replied.

“I hate to tell ya this, but it’s fake.” He let her know, “I can still take it off your hands, though.” Shiver shook her head, “That’s fine, it means I can use it.” she answered with a toothy grin as she took the pendant back. “Thanks for your help.” Blueeye made a quick mockery of Deep Cut’s pose and said “Catch ya later!” as she walked away, then watched as Shiver’s cool confidence suddenly shifted into wide-eyed shock before quickly morphing into a scowl before she turned away. He just chuckled as they left.

Keeping a close eye on the crowds is always a good thing, you might spot a familiar face. Like Blueeye noticing a certain unlucky chump he scammed previously. If there’s any smart business practice, it’s getting repeat customers. The man rose from his chair, looked the nervous youth in the eyes and beckoned him over, “Hey! Good to see you still kickin’ pal!” he greeted. Credit where it’s due, the poor sod only flinched a little at being addressed, when they recognised who it was they steeled their resolve and marched over.

“You! You tricked me!” the unfortunate soul accused. Blueeye feigned being taken aback, “What?! My friend! How could you accuse me~ of tricks?! I am an honest man, honest!” they weren’t buying it yet, as they claimed “That junk you sold me was useless!” He regarded the fool with a contemplative look, “That can’t be right…what tools did you use?” he asked. “I used basic Makoma-” the schmuck began but Blueeye cut them off “BASIC?!” he cried, “NO! No! No no no no NO! That won’t do at all!” he ducked under the counter and pulled a toolbox out and displayed it. “You need a proper toolkit for this stuff!” He opened the toolbox to show off the tools. 

In truth, it was a basic Makomart tool set spray that had been painted green with a made up symbol etched on them, but they didn’t know that. The buffoon was bamboozled by it, going by the sparkle in their eyes. “Cost ya’ 30 grand.” He told them, to which they instantly replied “I’LL TAKE IT!” and slapped the money on the counter before grabbing the toolbox and rushing off. Once they were out of earshot, Blueeye smirked to himself, “What a complete moron.” One of the neighbours was giving him a disapproving head shake and whispered “For shame…” he just waved them off. “You’d have done the same.” he claimed as he sat back down. 

Chapter Text

The New Squidbeak Splatoon were out in the Splatlands, keeping an eye out for any Fuzzy Octarians that have wandered out of the Crater. After Agent 3 had reported two incidents of a fight involving Fuzzy Octolings, they decided to start doing better watches. But, it is now night and, rather than make the journey back down to Alterna, the group has decided to camp above ground instead. Marie was setting up the tents, Callie was getting a fire started, the Captain was checking their supplies and Agent 3 was patrolling the area. Realistically, there shouldn’t be anyone else out here, A) it’s the middle of the night, and B) This is his Turf. Granted, that’s never stopped anyone before.

Radio was about to make his way over to the, now burning, firepit when his Little Buddy started bouncing and glowing. “ Rad, I found something buried here! ” it called out, so he made his way over. There, lodged halfway into the sand was a rectangular object. Radio pulled it out and brushed the sand off. “A book…” the boy muttered to himself. He couldn’t tell what kind of book, though, it was too dark so the pair headed back to the camp.

The Captain greeted them, “Welcome back, anything out there?” Agent 3 held up the book they found. With the light of the fire they could see the front cover.

“To whoever reads this, if you aren’t me PUT THIS THE FUCK DOWN! This is private PERSONAL!”

A picture was also attached, of a mohawked Octoling holding a large Blaster. 

“That’s that Levin person, right? Leader of the Thieves Gang?” Marie asked, everyone having gathered to see the found item. Radio nodded to confirm and then seemed to have a realisation. “Wazzat bastard been doin’ here!?” Thoughts started streaming through the boy’s head, but before he could get too lost in his anger, Callie asked him a question, “What did you just call him?” Radio paused to think about it, before responding, “Summit not nice. Dunno the word in Inkling.” 

Before they could get distracted by Salmonid swear words, the Captain interrupted, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, unless that book is edible, we have no food.” Agent 1 was not happy about that. “No food?!” she cried, “That’s impossible! Someone must have stolen it from us!” an unamused Agent 2 told her, “Callie, YOU ate most of it during the patrol.” Callie immediately quieted down after that. 

Meanwhile, Smallfry was sniffing the air. Normally, it uses its nose to sniff out buried treasure, but Buddy’s superb sense of smell can just as easily sniff out wild animals, and tasty ones at that! The little fish leapt off of Agent 3’s shoulder and scampered off into the night. Agent 3 made to follow it, but stopped to let the others know “We done this before, relax.” and shot them a thumbs up before dashing off as well. “Guess we’ll leave it to the profreshionals.” the Captain stated.

Off in the darkness, Radio caught up with his companion. “ What did you smell, Buddy? ” he asked it, the Smallfry responded, “ A bird, and I think it’s a big one, too! ” sounding very excited. The pair soon came upon a snoozing Hwamei bird. “ OK, so it’s not as large as I thought… ” Buddy quietly squeaked in disappointment. Radio wasn’t listening to it, instead he was deliberating which method was best to humanely kill the bird. Eventually he whispered “Sorry ‘bout this…” and took a firm hold of it.

Roughly twenty minutes passed before Agent 3 returned to the camp with arms full of featherless and organless bird bodies. “Uh…what’s all that?” Marie hesitantly asked him. Agent 3 simply said, “Dinner.” and started setting up the campfire to be able to cook over it. “So long as it tastes good, I don’t care what it is.” Callie told him, “I can’t take the hunger anymore!” Radio skewered the first bird and began to roast it over the fire.

“You’ve done this before.” the Captain stated. “Had to, sometimes needs must.” Agent 3 told her. Each of them all individually decided thinking about the implications of that sentence was not something to do right now. Although it’s definitely something to discuss later. “Ate pigeon once.” he idly mentioned. A shocked Callie questioned “Pigeon!? What? Why?” Agent 3 gave her a pointed look and explained “I ain’t diggin’ through trash for scraps to eat when fresh meat’s flyin’ round.” the Captain shrugged, “Fair enough. Not like there’s anything saying you can’t eat pigeons.” She was pretty nonchalant about this revelation. “I-I know but… Pigeons? Pigeons!” Callie exclaimed. “ Of course the rich and famous wouldn’t understand… ” Little Buddy grumbled. “ Oi, be nice. ” Radio warned it. The Smallfry crossed its fins and continued to sulk, quietly this time.

Soon enough, all the birds were cooked and everyone was eating in companionable silence. “Gotta admit, Agent 3, this is cooked pretty well. Knowing how to hunt and cook in the field are very useful skills to have.” Marie praised. The Captain agreed, “Survival skills can save you when things get complicated.” “Survivin’s what we been doin’ our ‘ole lives, course we’re good at it!” Radio said with a smile. Again, another topic to discuss later.

Once everyone had finished eating, they decided to turn in for the night. Agent 3 volunteered to keep watch first, so the ladies could get their beauty rest. He wasn’t expecting anyone to show up, but just in case he put on his dust blocker and visor to cover his face. That turned out to be a wise decision, as the boy soon found himself blinded by the headlights of a heavily modified ATV. 

The vehicle slowed to a stop and two women, an Inkling and an Octoling, hopped off of it. “Tehn. Ate.” Radio acknowledged before telling them, “Shouldn’t be here.” Tehn at least had the courtesy to look guilty, “Yeah, we’re sorry ‘bout that. Y’see, Levin lost something important around here and told us to go find it.” “Was it a book?” Radio asked them. Ate looked surprised, “How’d you know the Boss lost his diary?” “Journal.” Tehn corrected her. Ate repeated herself “How’d you know the Boss lost his journal?” He held said journal up in his hand to show them that he’d found it. “What makes you think that belongs to the Boss?” Ate challenged. “S’a picture of him on it.” Agent 3 replied, failing to keep the frustration out of his voice. 

Radio shoved the book into Tehn’s chest and told them “Take it, tell Levin we’re even, N’ don’t come back.” “Thanks for the help, Junker!” Tehn cheerfully replied, ignoring the anger and the boy’s tone. The two of them hopped back onto their ATV. “Don’t be a stranger, kid!” Ate called out as they got the engine ready. Tehn waved goodbye as they drove off, shouting “See ya ‘round!” Agent 3 just growled “ Fucking hope not. ” and tried to swipe the sand off of his Hero Suit. 

“Those thieves are...certainly colourful characters, huh?” the Captain chuckled behind him.

“N’ them two are the ‘nice’ ones…” 

Chapter Text

BIGMAN > Congrats on the successful re-debut, Squid Sisters!

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Thanks Big Man!

Boss.Marie(2) > It’s nice to be on stage again after so long.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > It was so cool to see!

Stinky(Cap3) > Brought back memories…

Kaboom(4) > You guys are performing again?!

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Really, 4?!

Boss.Marie(2) > Of course, why am I not surprised…

Eel_Master(Frye) > When you said Agent 4 was uncultured I didn’t think you meant he was this bad!

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > It’s been all over EVERYWHERE, 4! How haven’t you heard?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > The fact you haven’t heard is more impressive

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Let me guess, you still have yet to listen to Deep Cut’s music as well?

Kaboom(4) > Uh… Oops, my bad?

Bahn > Does the Internet not exist where you are? Or are you just that oblivious?

Kaboom(4) > Oh, ****. You two have been busy!

Kaboom(4) > Who the **** is Ian BGM?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Should we tell him?

Boss.Marie(2) > 4’s a smart boy, he’ll figure it out.

Kaboom(4) > WAIT

Kaboom(4) > I get it. Very clever Big Man.

BIGMAN > Heh, thanks…

■Webmaster■ > Admin has changed 1 screen name

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Ay?

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Oh…

Stinky(Cap3) > Right, enough reminding Agent 4 what year it is

Stinky(Cap3) > There’s something important we need to discuss

Boss.Marie(2) > And this is serious, so no jokes.

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > That means you two, 4 and Pearl

MC.Princess(Pearl) > Yeah, yeah…

Kaboom(4) > Affirmative.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Did things just get serious?

Eel_Master(Frye) > Should we leave?

Stinky(Cap3) > No, this is about our one mutual, Agent 3.

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Oh no! Is there something wrong with him?

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Is he dying?

Bahn > He’s doing an Anarchy Series at the moment, so he’s fine

Boss.Marie(2) > OK, it’s just while on patrol with him he revealed a few hidden talents.

Boss.Marie(2) > Talents that have us…concerned.

Bahn > He didn’t show you how to mimic a King Salmonid, did he?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > He told us he ate pigeons!

MC.Princess(Pearl) > HE WHAT

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > That’s…

Eel_Master(Frye) > Little weirdo

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Hold on, before we all judge his odd tastes, did he explain why?

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Please tell me he cooked them first!

Boss.Marie(2) > “I ain’t diggin’ through trash for scraps to eat when fresh meat’s flyin’ round.” were his exact words.

Boss.Marie(2) > And yes, they were cooked over a campfire.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > I fail to see why you are so concerned by this.

Kaboom(4) > Agreed. It’s not like pigeons are inedible.

Stinky(Cap3) > This is NOT what we were concerned about, Callie is just being dramatic

Stinky(Cap3) > We were concerned about his hunting and campfire cooking skills.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Elaborate.

Boss.Marie(2) > He and Smallfry ran off into the night and came back with four skinned and gutted birds, ready to cook in 20 minutes.

Boss.Marie(2) > And then he cooked them. Well!

Bahn > Yeah, his campfire cooking is pretty great! Even Hanna was impressed and she’s studying to be a chef

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Are you not worried about this?!

Kaboom(4) > Should we be? Why should having wilderness survival skills be concerning?

Stinky(Cap3) > When you’re an expert in and are bragging about those skills at 14, yes!

Stinky(Cap3) > He’s a kid! He shouldn’t need these skills!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > That boy…

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Shiver, remember your blood pressure

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I am fine, Big Man.

Eel_Master(Frye) > We think he’s 14 anyway, he could be older.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Or younger. It’s not unheard of for folks to get shape-shifty at an early age.

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > You realise that is worse, right?

Bahn > You’re only NOW realising Rad’s situation?

Bahn > You know he lives in a dumpster, right?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Listen here you unmannerly cur!

Bahn > I’ve known Rad for just about a year, and I didn’t want to admit to myself the truth of his situation

Bahn > But I did. Now you need to.

Bahn > He’s an uneducated, homeless orphan with a pet fish and enough emotional baggage to sink an aircraft carrier 

Bahn > No, he isn’t OK. He never has been. We can’t change this fact. All we can do is make sure he will be OK in the future

…

Bahn > Sorry, got a little too heated there

Kaboom(4) > You’re good man. That was something we all needed to be told.

Kaboom(4) > Besides, being 14 didn’t stop us from doing…you know, THIS.

Stinky(Cap3) > You’re right, Bahn. It’s good to know you can speak your mind

Eel_Master(Frye) > Please help, Shiver is cutting everything in half!

Ian.BGM(BMan) > She even got my TV!

DJ_Octavio > What did I miss?

Chapter Text

Some might say that monotony means calmness, calmness means peace and peace is good, so therefore monotony is good. Agent 3 would disagree. Monotony is not calm, it’s boring, and boring is bad! “Site 4, all clear.” the boy reported through his headset, silencing all the conversation going on in the voice channel. “Way to be, Agent 3!” Agent 1 cheered from behind him, she was nice enough to join him on patrol this time. “Agent 1, continue patrol on Site 5. Agent 3, return to camp, we have things to discuss.” the Captain ordered. Radio was a little nervous after hearing that. “I in trouble?” he asked Callie, she waved off his concern, “Nah, that wasn’t Captain’s serious voice. Now go! I can handle the rest.” she assured him. With that Agent 3 Super Jumped back to the Squid Sisters Camp.

“ The Captain has a not serious voice? ” Smallfry wondered, but the Captain started talking so Radio held its mouth shut. “So, we got a call from Splatsville General Hospital and they want to perform a full medical examination for your newly created medical record, and you’re going to do it.” she told him. “OK.” Radio answered. “And I know-” the Captain began, but cut herself off when she realised what Agent 3 said. “Huh. I was expecting more resistance.” Agent 2 came up and patted her shoulder, “Not everyone is as violently opposed to seeing a doctor as you are, Captain.” she turned away from the popstar and grumbled curses under her breath before telling Agents 2 and 3 to “Just go!”

Marie, Radio and Buddy made their way to the hospital. They were also joined by Big Man. Radio and Marie would be playing the same roles they did last time, a young boy and his guardian, Buddy was Radio’s Emotional Support Smallfry and Big Man was Marie’s emotional support (not that she needs it). After checking in at the lobby and sitting around in the waiting area for who knows how long because time flows differently in hospitals, they were called in to a doctor’s office. 

“Hi, welcome, thank you for agreeing to this so quickly.” The doctor greeted, “I’m Dr. Wishum and I will be Radio’s General Practitioner from now on.” they held out a hand for Marie to shake. “I’m Radio’s guardian, Hotaru.” When the handshake finished the doctor pointed to the manta ray in the room and asked “Are you Big Man from Deep Cut?” “AY… Ay? (UH… No?)” he anxiously replied. “Yeah. I’m convinced.” they decided and then moved on. “Who is this li'l guy?” Dr. Wishum asked, referring to Buddy who was bouncing up and down in place and trying to look as non-threatening as possible. “S’my motional sport Smallfry.” Radio told them. “I take it they’ll be watching us during all our examinations?” the doctor inquired, and Radio nodded. Buddy let out what sounded like an adorable squeak, but it actually said “ It’s a good thing you guys don’t ask for paperwork. ” 

The doctor addressed the two adults, “Normally we perform these things in private, however, as his guardians you have a right to witness any tests being done if you so wish to.” Marie gave an acknowledging nod and answered “Thank you, but I trust he’ll be able to handle everything without my help.” the doctor smiled and told them “Then, if you’d like to wait outside. This shouldn’t take much more than an hour.” Marie and Big Man exited the room and sat down to wait while the doctor got to work.

~Much more than an hour later~

Radio, Smallfry and Dr. Wishum emerged from the doctor’s office. Buddy looked its usual self and Radio looked pleased as Punch. Dr. Wishum looked traumatised. During the waiting time Captain, Callie, Shiver and Frye joined Marie and Big Man in the waiting room. Upon seeing them, the doctor perked up slightly, “Are you Shiver and Frye from Deep Cut?” Frye shook her head “Nope, not us.” and Shiver followed up with “But thank you for the compliment!” Wordlessly, Radio joined the rest of the gathered group and Dr. Wishum handed Marie a folder, “This…is Radio’s medical file. A digital version has been sent to the provided email…” they said listlessly, “I suggest you keep a closer eye on that boy…” Marie took the folder and glanced at Radio, who smiled at her. “What kind of stuff did you get up to before we met?” she wondered. He just smiled wider.

With that all done, they left the hospital. “Alright, digital version has been sent to your file and to Agent 4 for review, let’s get this physical one squared away too.” the Captain informed everyone. “Ay? (Why does it need to be reviewed?)” Big Man questioned. “One of us has to read it so might as well be the one who understands all the medical jargon.” Meanwhile Shiver was fussing over Radio, “So, how do you feel Rad?” she asked him. “Powerful!” He responded and started flexing, “Like I could throw a van ‘cross a car park!” “Don’t do that.” Shiver warned him.

The Captain’s phone then went off with a reply from Agent 4.

Subject: Agent 3 medical file

Yo, Cap’n

This needs to be discussed right fucking now. In words not text.

I’m not even finished reading it as of this reply but it just keeps getting worse as I keep going.

We need a better onboarding process.

Your’s urgently

Agent 4

P.S: I should be getting paid for this shit.

“Oh, this can’t be good…”

Chapter Text

Seeing as everyone was all together, Deep Cut offered to host dinner for the group. Callie, of course, instantly accepted at the mention of food which forced everyone else to come along too. However, the Captain led Agent 3 off to a side room, telling the others to carry on without them. With some privacy obtained, the Captain set up a laptop and eventually a video call which was quickly answered by Agent 4.

“Alright, 4, this better be important, we’re missing dinner.” she greeted him, although by the look on his face, Agent 4 was not in a good mood. “Kid, what the FUCK?!” he shouted, ignoring the Captain’s greeting entirely. “Dr. WhasaName said same thing.” Radio told him, seemingly unphased by being yelled at. “Uh, Luke? You wanna take a breath before you explode?” the Captain suggested. Agent 4’s eyes briefly shifted to her direction before he closed them and took some calming breaths. 

“So, what’s got you so heated, man?” the Captain questioned, to which 4 responded “Kid’s medical history is a civil war, that’s what!” Agent 3 just smiled nervously until Agent 4 called out, “Dunno what you’re smiling about, boy!” Before he could berate the child anymore, the Captain stepped in and cut to the chase, “So, is Agent 3 fit for active duty?” “Absolutely fucking not!” he stated plainly. Before Agent 3 could start arguing his case, Agent 4 kept going, “But, none of our other field agents are either, so who really cares?”

“What do you mean none of our field agents are fit for active duty?”

“Agents 1 and 2 are too high value targets to actually send out, Captain your PTSD, if triggered, could compromise you and put you in danger, my anger problems may lead to reckless behaviour and poor decision making, Agent 8 has retrograde amnesia after suffering a traumatic head injury which I guess was sorta fixed by whatever voodoo magic shit was in those mem cakes, but she’s still missing memories and probably shouldn’t even be allowed to use the stairs without someone else present, and the kid’s medical problems is a list longer than Hammerhead Bridge!” 

…

“Wow. you think about this stuff a lot.” the Captain stated. “Sometimes it keeps me up at night.” Luke confessed. “I can’t be that bad, surely!” Radio claimed. “Don’t call me ‘Shirely’!” Agent 4 warned him, “And where do I begin?” “At the beginning, usually.” Captain told him. Agent 4 took a deep breath and began. “Name: Radio Situation. Age: 14. Height: Below average for age. Weight: Dangerously low. Blood type: O-. Allergies: None.” he listed off, giving all the basic information about the patient. “OK, that’s not exactly great but nothing to get so agitated about.” the Captain responded. Agent 4 just kept going. “Outstanding injuries: Eels bites…” “Frye.” Radio interrupted, explaining where the injury came from. “...Shark bites…” “Shiver.” “...Manta Ray Stings…” “Big Man.” “...And a large, diagonal gash across your torso.” “Mr. Grizz.”

“OK, those are all injuries he got during missions and whatever revenge Deep Cut keeps trying to enact.” the Captain asserted, “You should have told us about them, but we all get injured in this line of work.” Agent 4 kept going, “first degree burns on tentacles and second degree burns previously had on hands, arms and torso.” The two adults looked to Radio for him to explain. “Sometimes me hood blows down N’ I forget to put it back up for a while…and there may have been a accident involving fireworks N’ other ‘splosive stuff.” the Captain crossed her arms and gave him an inquisitive look, “By ‘other explosive stuff’ you mean?” “Dynamite.” he answered quickly. “That does explain the above average level of smoke inhalation.” Agent 4 checked, “Unless you smoke or whatever?” Radio shook his head. 

“I’ll admit, that does have me slightly concerned, but I still don’t see why you’re this aggro about it.” the Captain conceded. “Cartilage shows signs of previously or currently being bruised, fractured or broken literally everywhere.” Was Agent 4’s next point. “Criminals ain’t known for bein’ gentle.” was Radio’s only excuse. “What parts are currently injured?!” the Captain demanded. “Ribs appear to be on the tail end of a bruising and the left humerus has just healed from a fracture. That’s the area between the shoulder and elbow.” “Oh, that’s why my arm hurt! Musta landed on it funny…” Radio realised. The Captain took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before exhaling. “You’re withholding something from me, Luke.” It wasn’t an accusatory tone, just stating a fact. “There were two things.” Agent 4 began, “One that you should be aware of, and one that you should be very aware of.” The Captain took a moment to gather herself, before saying “Alright, hit me with it.” 

“The file has it listed as ‘Malformed Larynx’ which just means his voice box is built differently.” Agent 4 explained, “Presumably it’s because Salmonid was his first language, and the only one used at a young age. Speaking it all the time forced the larynx to reshape itself to make it easier.” the Captain gave an involuntary shiver, “Gah, I hate biology…” she then asked “How does this affect his Inkling?” “He will never be proficient in Inkling to a certain level. He’ll always speak how he speaks now, war’ wit’ shortnin’ words N’ th’ like.” he informed her. “Related topic, your vocabulary is lacking for your age group, and Marie should add it to your curriculum.” the Captain turned to Agent 3, “How long have you known this?” she questioned. He shrugged, and told her “I been piecin’ it together for a li’l bit. Ever since Blueeye told me ‘bout Wooster Sure Sauce." The Captain just gave the boy a baffled look until Agent 4 clarified, “Worcestershire Sauce.” the Captain then just threw her hands up, “I don’t care about your sauce! Is there a way to get his voice box to be normal?” “There is a surgery for it, but it’s expensive. And I mean, like, proper fucking expensive.” he told them “The cheaper option would be to ask Davey.” the Captain shut that idea down immediately, “Absolutely not!” much to Agent 3’s confusion. “Wass wrong with Davey? Thought he was your guys’s friend?” “Never sleep in the same room as him, and if you absolutely have to, make sure he falls asleep first. Speaking from experience.” Agent 4 warned him.

“Moving on, what’s the other bomb you’ve gotta drop?” the Captain asked. “Kid’s missing a kidney.” he disclosed, then went silent to let it sink in. “ WHAT!? ” the Captain bellowed, shaking the whole room and definitely alerting everyone else, if the approaching footfalls were anything to go by. 

“Everything OK?”

“That was quite the scream!”

“Ay? (Did something happen?)”

“How bad is it, Captain?”

“Hi, 4!”

“Hi Callie.” 

“Heh. I was, uh, hopin’ you missed that part…” Radio nervously chuckled. The Captain wasn’t having it. “Missing Kidney. Explain. Now.”

“It was Winter, it gets below freezing at night, my base didn’t have any heating, I needed money. Dudes come along with an offer, Blueeye says don’t do it, I ignore him, tell ‘em to give me the money first, they do, I buy a heater and set it up then go back. They’re smooth and professional with the operation, nothing goes wrong or gets infected and I spent the rest of Winter in pure agony but at least I didn’t freeze to death. ‘Sides, s’not like I NEED both of ‘em!” he spills, eventually shutting himself up with his hands to avoid any more trouble. “You SOLD a kidney?!” Callie shrieked, clearly aghast. “That's… BADASS!” Frye exclaimed, then Shiver whacked her on the head with her fan. “Wrong take, Frye!” she whisper-shouted. “Right, you’re right! That’s terrible.” Frye amended.

Radio tried to slowly sneak out of the room because he was hungry. Big Man spotted him, but rather than stop him, he followed him out instead. Agent 4 was stuck listening to all the women argue about what to do with the information, even though it is technically his and the Captain’s choice as they are the medic and the leader. After the third time the four idols argued in a circle, he decided enough was enough. “Ladies, please, you’re all beautiful, but shut the fuck up!” That got their attention, but before they could eat him alive, he kept talking. “What you’re GOING to do is let Alex make the final judgement and then do what I tell you to do.” Agent 4 could clearly see they were not happy with him, and he met their displeasure with a shit eating grin. “Agent 3 is staying a member of the New Squidbeak Splatoon. How we proceed with his, heh, situation is at your discretion, Agent 4.” the Captain announced. Agent 4 quickly picked up after her, “Callie, keep watching him. Marie, keep teaching him. Deep Cut, stop trying to kill him.” Callie and Marie readily agreed and Shiver and Frye were soon coerced into agreement by the Captain’s hard glare. Agent 4 then signed off and the girls went back to dinner.

“This is great!”

“Ay! Ay! (Glad you like it! It’s a Manta Clan original recipe!)”

They could make this work.

Chapter Text

May 26th 2015

Well, I made it. Finally 14, finally free of Dad’s over-protectiveness, Mom’s worrying and my li’l sister’s crying. (Why do babies cry so much?). I’m here, where fresh fashion is made! From now on I’m gonna be ‘Livin’ the Inkopolife’ to the fullest! So first things first, Turf War!

May 28th 2015

I’ve been here two days and already things are going crazy! A UFO crashed and the Great Zapfish disappeared! If you ask me, the two things are connected…somehow. OK, so I haven’t really thought about it, but, like, two seemingly impossible things happen on the same day, there’s gotta be a connection somewhere!

I’m gonna get to the bottom of this, or my name isn’t Alexandra Warn!

May 29th 2015

So…

I think I joined the military? Or, like, a secret agent thing? Possibly an extremist organisation? Probably not that last one. (Uncle always said teens either dye their hair rainbow coloured or become terrorists, we just called him crazy) 

OK, let me explain

I was doing some investigating about the whole UFO/Great Zapfish mystery when I saw this old man poking his head up out of a manhole. He sees me and we lock eyes but when I approached him he ducked back into the drain. Dad would constantly (heh)  warn me about ‘Stranger Danger’ and all that junk, but I guess, in the moment, I kinda forgot all that stuff and so I jumped down after him.

On the other end I’m in this, honestly, kinda beautiful looking valley and the old man was there raving about how “The Octarians are coming!” and I’m thinking to myself “This old dude’s nuts! The Octarians went extinct, right?” and then he sees me and is all like “You’ve got the look in yer eye I’ve been lookin’ fer!” and says the Zapfish were taken by the Octarians and that he wants my help to get them back but because I’m super awkward and shy and stuff I just don’t say anything and he says “I’ll take your stunned silence as a yes!” and gives me this cool gun and some cool gear, names me “Agent 3 of the New Squidbeak Splatoon” and tells me to get going, so I’m thinking “Alright, I’ll humour the guy for a bit.” And I go into this, like, invisible kettle and end up in this dome that’s FULL of Octarians and I’m thinking “Holy heck! Octarians are REAL!?” and I fight through everything and find a Zapfish, which I guess confirms this old dude isn’t crazy?

Anyway, I’m in this for the long haul now. Someone’s gotta save the city, might as well be me!

May 31st 2015

This has been….A day. 

Good news: I’m making good progress in Octo Valley, I’ve cleared three sectors completely, even those giant ‘Octoweapons’ (or whatever they’re called) and I’m about halfway through the fourth.

Bad news: Cap’n Cuttlefish has been squidnapped. A little scary. OK, a lotta scary. His advice was helpful, he always knew what to do, he guided me through all this. Without him I was lost! 

Good news: Cap’n Cuttlefish’s granddaughters and my senior agents, Agent 1 and Agent 2, are now guiding me. They seem nice, but they sound really familiar, too.

Bad news: I’m still super shy and I can’t talk to them. I only just got used to the Cap’n and now I have to talk with these two new people instead? 

I’ve come too far to back out now, though.

June 1st 2015

I RULE, BABY!

I saved the Great Zapfish from that DJ Octavio guy! And I got Cap’n Cuttlefish back!

Also, Agent 1 and Agent 2 are the Squid Sisters! I met the Squid Sisters! 

Obviously, I can’t tell people these facts because secret agents and all that, but it’s still fresh!

I just hope my parents don’t find out it was me, otherwise I’ll be grounded for life!

March 3rd 2016

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Now that that’s out of my system, allow me to explain myself:

Me and my roommate/friend Mary are doing some Turf Wars in the same lobby, right? I’ve got my good ol’ Splattershot and she’s got her E-litre 3K and we end up on opposing teams on Saltspray Rig. I’m with these 3 other dudes, a guy wearing glasses with a Splash-o-matic, a guy with headphones and an Inkbrush Nouveau, and some newbie. Match starts and the newbie just, like, vanishes into thin air! So me and the other two dudes are just looking at where they were, thinking “Well, now what?” We decide “Screw it, why not?” and try to win anyway.

So at some point I’m painting mid, right? And Mary suddenly appears and is aiming at me so I’m like “Guess I’ll die!” but then Brush dude runs behind me, activates his Bubbler and gives it to me before running into mid fully while Mary shoots me and pushes me back onto the elevator to the lower area. The rest of the match is kind of a blur but we won it! Mary comes up and is super stoked about it and then glasses introduces himself as Davey and Brush dude says his name is Dugol. 

Turns out we all go to the same highschool so we start hanging out and…well…so…

I think I might…maybe…possibly…haveacrushonDugol

THERE! I admit it! UGH! I can’t believe myself…

July 19th 2017

So, it looks like Inkopolis Square is the new hot place for Turf Wars. I did consider moving closer to there, but my current apartment is fine as is, closer to school and all that. Dad has apparently been restationed in some small little town that’s, like, a 40 minute train ride from the Square and so my family have moved to Inkopolis, which is…awkward to say the least. Yeah, it is nice to see them again, but I’d really prefer to go grocery shopping without my Mom and little sister also being there.

In other news, Gramps says he and I are going on an ‘Extended Research Trip’ to the Cape in a few days. I’m not sure how long ‘Extended’ is, but hopefully the cover story of “a soul searching journey to discover myself” can hold everyone over for long enough. 

June 14th 2018

Well, this is a shit situation.

Cap’n and I were nearby Octo Valley and we saw an Octoling. Nobody knows what to do so we all just stand around like a bunch of jackasses for a few minutes until I eventually decide to engage the enemy. We fight, and this Octoling’s, like, really good and we end up in a stalemate for what felt like hours, then out of the corner of my eye I see this shadow approaching and then all of a sudden I’m falling.

When I hit the ground I was on my own, Gramps and the Octoling were nowhere in sight, and I’m in this weird facility or something. 

There’s no need to panic. I just gotta find gramps, find a way out and stay alive. I’m sure he can handle himself for a little while.

June 20th(?) 2018

I don’t remember any of the past week.

Last thing I can recall was smashing a glass ceiling and then suddenly I wake up on a helicopter, my whole body aching, a splitting headache and the right side of my face is numb with the Cap’n there along with Off the Hook, that new idol duo, and the Octoling I fought (who I guess is we’re on friendly terms with now?) as we fly away from a sinking statue of a human with giant cannon in its mouth.

I’m putting this my ‘Top 5 weirdest weirdest things to wake and see’ right next to ‘little sister on the ceiling’.

At least that extended research trip is finally over. If I knew it was gonna last nearly a year I would have said no!

June 21st 2018

The Splatoon has some new members.

Agent 8, the Octoling girl I fought. Turns out she hit her head on the fall into the Deepsea Metro and lost all her memories, but it seems like they’re slowly returning to her which is good.

Off the Hook have agreed to be honorary members, which means they only need to be involved in extenuating circumstances.

Last and certainly least, Agent 4. He’s some punk with no discipline, no respect, no self control and no freshness either! He’s a rebel without a cause! Marie must have been desperate when she hired him, this boy isn’t fit for active duty at all!

8 screamed in terror at the sight of him! How can they possibly work together?

He’s literally a criminal! I bet the others don’t even know that! How do I know? Oh he’s just on probation after getting arrested by my FATHER! He’s been living with my parents the whole time! Which was super awkward when I showed up!

Oh, right, I got evicted from my apartment. Mary moved out and since I wasn’t there for roughly a year they just assumed I did too, so I’m staying with my family until I can find another place. 

Honestly, who does this ‘Agent 4’ think he is? Unbelievable gall on this asshole!

July 21st 2018

My High School collapsed in an earthquake!? 

Now all the students and staff are being transferred to some other High School nearer the Square and it’s the same Cod damned one Agent 4 goes to! Which means I’m gonna be stuck with him because 8 goes there too and will want us all to hang out because they magically became friends in, like, a month! 

On the topic of friends, I saw Davey, Mary and Dugol again recently after kinda sorta unintentionally purposefully avoiding them. Agent 4 pointed it out to me whilst helping me with an injury (apparently he’s a trained medic somehow?) He did not need to call me a coward, but I do see his point. With this…scar on my face I was worried what my friends would think. It’s just so…wrong and gross and ugly and I HATE IT! I WANT IT OFF! I WANT IT GONE!

                                                    🔹

                                                          🔷

Lost my composure. Davey was a little off put at first but quickly apologised for staring and then offered to ‘build me a new face’. Because he’s just like that, I guess?

Mary was ecstatic to see me again and immediately dragged me to a shopping trip along with 8, who she’s now friends with, and a girl called Lucy who I’d never met before but apparently she’s a student at the school we’re all being moved to.

Dugol…didn’t mention it at all. We just hung out like normal. I don’t know if he’s just being courteous or if he doesn’t mind it. Maybe he’s just blind? It…did feel…nice to just…be me around him still. 

Ugh…guess my crush is still there, too…

September 7th 2018

I fucking hate 4!

Why is he friends with all of my friends?!

Why is he so good at making coffee?!

How does a delinquent get such good grades?!

Who taught him how to play Turf War so well?!

How is he so fucking oblivious to Lucy’s feelings towards him?!

How in the Fresh FUCK can he spontaneously EXPLODE!?

I’ve seen who he is, what he’s really like! He’s rude, violent, dishonest, too eager to fight, angry all the time and DANGEROUS! He’s got the looks, voice and personality of a super villain! 

So…why is everyone else so friendly towards him? I-it doesn’t make sense! Am I just missing something about him? Is he just putting on an act or something? But then which one is him acting? The personality he has during missions, where he’s a barbaric monster, or the personality he has at school, where he’s just a troubled youth. 

Has he got, like, Borderline Personality Disorder or is he just a really good actor?

But if he’s so…capable of being a decent person… Why isn’t he? He’s got a criminal record and is unapologetically mean! 

I just don’t get him!

July 18th 2019

Final Fest has come and gone and good Cod, was it a disaster!

I mean, yeah, the Splatfest itself was fine but, honestly, we were all coming apart! Agent 4 was extra aggressive all week in the leadup, Olivia (that’s 8 in case I forget) was nearly always in tears over Off the Hook discourse and our friend group was practically torn in half. People were basically at each other’s throats over this Splatfest. 

It’s over now though, Team Chaos won. I expected 4 to be gloating all the way to his new apartment, finally beating me fair and square, but…he’s just angry. Not at any of us, though, he’s just angry at himself. Hell I’d say he’s bordering on self destructive. I wish I understood what’s going through his head…

Everyone else is over it and we’re all friends again, it’s just 4 who isn’t OK. I think Mary’s been pushing Lucy to use this as a chance to tell him her feelings.

As much as I don’t like 4, Lucy is my friend and I want her to not have regrets from not telling the person she’s in love with how she feels. Besides, having someone other than Marie who can rein in 4 would be a good thing.

Maybe I should take my own advice on that love thing…

October 3rd 2020

Well, a lot of things have happened recently.

I finally told Dugol how I feel. He feels the same and now we’re a couple. This feels like a dream come true. I’m just glad 4 wasn’t there to see me being so…girly. He, out of everyone, CANNOT find out how I reacted. I cannot have him holding that over me, him seeing my room was bad enough.

Speaking of 4, he finally told us his name: Luke. He doesn’t have a last name. I called him out for not giving it but he whipped out the official documents showing his full, legal name is just ‘Luke’. 8 offered to let him have her last name but I’m not sure how Marina would feel about that.

Gramps is planning on retiring and has informed us all he’ll be watching us to choose his successor. Honestly, I think it’ll be Marie, she’s pretty good at logistics and support and all that. 

More and more Octolings have been making it to the surface and integrating with Inkling society quite well, which is fantastic. The general public still seems to be oblivious to the fact they’re Octolings and not just Inklings with funny hair and we’re not sure how long this’ll last.

The scar I got from being brainwashed is clearing up. My eye will always be a sickly cyan colour but at least I won’t have to put three layers of makeup on every morning to not get stared at in the street. Suppose it’s good my eyes are already blue/green-ish. As much as I hate to admit it, Callie was right to push me to go to the hospital, and…UGH! Luke was right to suggest it in the first place… 

Sheldon has been talking about opening up another Ammo Knights location in a place called Splatsville. And ain’t that just another can of worms? Splatsville is a pretty far distance from Inkopolis, especially right now. Still, I have a bad feeling something big is gonna go down there.

September 23rd 2021

Captain’s log:

Gramps has officially retired as Captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon and will be taking on a Senior Advisor role instead. He has promoted me to the rank of Captain which I wasn’t expecting. I know he often calls me his protégé but I didn’t think he meant it like this!  

Predictably, 4 complained about now having to follow my orders instead of just ignoring my suggestions. Marie (un)helpfully reminded him that, as our most qualified medic, he outranks everyone in a medical emergency. Everybody else congratulated me on the promotion. 

I shall strive to live up to the hat upon my head!

September 9th 2022

Captain’s log:

The Alterna Investigation has officially begun. This marks our first deployment in the Splatlands, my first assignment as Captain and the first mission of our newest recruits, Agent 3 and his Smallfry companion.

4’s gonna have a fucking field day trying to get this right! I’ve been Captain for nearly a year and he still calls me 3!

I’m thinking I’m gonna try and dig up some details on our New Agent 3.

Chapter Text

Upon entering the lobby, the first thing Radio noticed was a man standing over by the moving targets holding a Splatterscope and looking at it as if the devil himself came down from Georgia and put it in his hands. The second thing he noticed was the sound of an Ink Mine going off under his feet. Having gained everyone’s attention by being located, the boy just rolled his eyes and went to the locker room to put his bag down. Everyone else went back to what they were doing.

In the locker room Radio dropped his bag on one of the seats and was going to leave until he saw an Octoling staring at a wall. He slowly walked up next to them and looked between them and the wall. He eventually decided there was nothing noteworthy about the wall and realised they must be lost in thought and tried to bring the Octoling back down to earth. Waving his hand in their face, snapping his fingers, clapping and taking the stranger’s glasses all got no response, so he resorted to poking them with a metal pole. Just as he was about to lose his patience and bash them over the head with it the Octoling flinched and snapped back to reality. “Huh? Eh? What?” they blurted out. Radio panicked and threw the pole behind him, aiming for where he’d hid the rest of them in the locker room.

*CRASH*

The pair cringed at the sound of several steel pipes clattering to the floor. The Octoling turned to Radio who put on his best innocent smile. The innocent act seemingly worked as the Octoling grabbed his hand for a vigorous handshake and introduced themselves, “Hi! Call me Conditions. What’s your name?” “Radio.” he replied, still being shaken and not really having the time to do his normal introduction. “Nice to meet ya, Rad! Can I call you Rad?” Conditions asked, but then gasped and exclaimed “Sorry, no time to talk! I’m supposed to be meeting my friends!” They then ran off into the lobby, leaving the boy to gather himself. “They’s is loud…”

Apparently, Conditions’ friends were already here. A guy and a girl, both equally as tired looking. The guy was muttering to himself, something about “New stages… Gear abilities… Need to do better…” The girl was slowly making her way through a large cup of coffee, seemingly ignoring all the mumbling going on next to her. The guy was soon removed from his spiralling buzzing as Conditions ran up and hugged him. Equal parts embarrassed and annoyed, he awkwardly patted them on the back which got them to let go. They turned to the girl who held up a hand to stop them and downed the rest of her coffee, seemingly brightening up afterwards, and opened their arms wide as they shared a hug. Suddenly, Conditions noticed their new friend was also here and dragged them over. “This is my new friend!” They announced. Radio bowed and did his typical intro “Radio Situation, pleased to make your…acquaintance.” the girl bowed back at him, “My name is Apply.” she told him. The guy rolled his eyes at them and grunted “Terms.” 

The dude over by the moving targets was not having a good time. He hadn’t even figured out how to hold the Splatterscope correctly. Currently he was holding it upside-down, with the scope on the underside, arms above his head trying to line up a shot. “How do people even see through these things?” He slowly crept to the right, and then fell off the platform he was standing on. Nobody seemed to pay him any mind. 

The two remaining people in the lobby not busy fighting with their weapons soon joined the other four. The Inkling spoke to Radio first, “Hey, you’re one of Bahn’s friends, aren’t you?” “Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?” Terms complained only to be ignored. “You’re…Azure. Right?” Radio checked. “Aw, you DO remember me! Sorry about that Ink Mine by the way.” They apologised. Radio turned his attention to the other Octoling with Azure, “And you…were summit in another language…” “絵の具を食べる.” The Octoling clarified, not that it helped much. Apply laughed at it, so Conditions asked “What’s funny?” “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” She assured them. Terms, still not entirely happy with being a part of this conversation, looked over at the guy still struggling with his Splatterscope.

He was now holding it backwards, barrel over his shoulder, and aiming behind himself while looking through the scope the wrong way. He was still trying to line up a shot on the targets, unaware he was actually aiming at the cephalopods behind him. Specifically, he was aimed at Conditions, who was also completely unaware of any danger. Radio and Azure moved off to go do some practice of their own, the boy with the stationary targets and the girl with the Copybot,  just as the man fired his shot. Terms, showing no outward emotion to the situation, grabbed Conditions by the back of their jacket and dragged them out of the way. The man fumbled with the Charger as it nearly shot out of his hands and, once getting a firm grasp on it again, turned around and saw everyone staring at him and a line of his ink in between a group of people. “Sorry!” He called out and awkwardly tried to make himself smaller. 

Apply was making sure Conditions was OK, while Terms discreetly tried to do the same whilst simultaneously giving the man an unimpressed glare. 絵の具を食べる asked the real question, “Who even are you?” He gave a nervous grin and short wave, “Turf name’s ‘Whatdoido’ but most people just call me an idiot.” the Octoling sighed and walked over to him. “Alright, let me show you what to do…” and started showing him the ropes. Once he’d gotten the weapon in his hands properly, he started trying to line up a shot while the Octoling made small talk. “So, how come I’ve never seen you around before?” she asked. “Ahhh…I travel, always have. First time I’ve been in Splatsville. Not the worst place I’ve ever been.” He answered. Radio, who was passing on the grate above the moving targets, happened to be listening and said “Travellin’ souns nice, wanna do it someday.” The pair looked up at him, but Whatdoido was still looking through his scope so the boy jumped out of the way and yelled “DON’T point that at me!” “Oh yeah, whoops.” the man realised and stopped aiming down his sights, only to let go of the trigger and have the recoil send the back end into his chest and knock him over. “You OK, Dooie? Can I call you Dooie?” 絵の具を食べる asked. “Please don’t.” he responded as he sat back up. The Octoling decided they were going to call him that anyway and declared “Let’s give it one more try, Dooie!” The Inkling rose to his feet and groaned “That nickname better not stick…” before getting back in position. 

Terms, Conditions and Apply were watching Radio practise with his Tri-Stringer. Terms was impatiently tapping his foot and mumbling to himself while Conditions was watching in awe at the young boy’s surprising skill. Apply was scrutinising his performance. “He’s pretty good.” She praised. “Pretty good? He’s GREAT!” Conditions loudly proclaimed, catching Radio’s attention and letting him hear Terms claim “I could do better.” Conditions was immediately enamoured by Terms’ claim, Radio not so much. “Prove it, tough guy.” he demanded. “Huh? Prove?” Terms’ voice cracked as he responded to the demand. He cleared his throat, tried to push down his flustered state and said “Alright, pass it here.” He held out a hand for Radio’s Stringer, but the boy brought it away and yelped, “What? No! This’s mine, use your own!” Terms exasperatedly replied “Well I don’t have one!” Radio practically screamed “THEN HOW’D YOU KNOW YA KEN DO IT BETTER!?” Terms stuttered a bit before yelling back, “WELL IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD!” Apply, meanwhile, just chuckled to herself, “Good ‘ol Terms, can’t admit someone’s better than him at something.” The boy’s argument was cut short by the sound of a Charger firing and a target popping. Everyone in the lobby turned to see  絵の具を食べる cheer “You hit the target!” Whatdoido turned to her and sheepishly said “Thanks, but I was aiming for the other one…” 

Just then, an eighth person entered the lobby. A fairly fresh-faced rookie, Splashtag saying their name is ‘Yo, Mr. White!’, found themselves the centre of attention. Not for long as Radio and Terms quickly went back to glowering at each other. Azure gave them a friendly wave, which they carefully returned. Whatdoido gestured to the newbie and claimed “Oh, even I could do better than that kid.” 絵の具を食べる gave him a firm pat on the back, “For your sake let’s hope that’s true.”

“What have I just walked into?” the young lad wondered, but it was too late to back out because now it was Battle Time!

Chapter Text

“Man, I don’t know how you’re supposed to hit people with this thing! It’s like trying to wrangle angry crabs into your neighbour's living room.” Blueeye complained, which got him a weird look from his neighbours. “...Not that I know what that’s like.” he clarified. 

Junker and Blueeye were wrapping up some business when he noticed the boy was carrying a different weapon than usual. Instead of his Tri-Stringer or that fancy Shooter he was holding a bathtub, a Bloblobber. Junker had kindly allowed Blueeye to get a closer look at it. Only to see that it was just a stock standard Bloblobber. He handed it back to the boy and told him “I think I got something you’ll be interested in, follow me.” Blueeye walked inside his house with Junker close behind.

The man plonked a much older looking Bloblobber on the living room table and sat down to explain, “After the blob law was passed, the Bloblobber was created to lob lawful blob bombs. You can read about it on the Bloblobber blob law blog.” Blueeye waited for a reaction but all Junker gave him was silence since his face was covered. “Anyway… What I’m getting at is that with a little tweaking these things can be dane-ger-ous! You got room for another project?” 

He watched as Junker considered it, and consulted with his Smallfry, eventually he turned back to him and nodded, “Yeah.” “Perfect!” Blueeye cheered, “SO! Wanna head to the range and brainstorm a bit?”

The black market shooting range wasn’t much to look at. Really it was just some Squid Bumpers with some lines painted on the floor in a warehouse made out of shipping containers, but it gets the job done. 

Blueeye was watching Junker bounce blobs off of walls and into targets with ease and had to ask, “How DO you do that?!” Junker turned to him and told him “Just angles.” Bluueye could only shake his head in defeat, “I was never any good at trigonometry…” 

The two of them just shot shots for a little while in comfortable silence. Blueeye not having anything to say and Junker too busy putting ideas together in his head to speak. Their session would come to an awkward end when two members of the Thieves Gang walked in, Sicks and Phive, the twins. “Not interrupting anything are we?” Sicks asked, Phive echoing with “Are we?” Junker was already walking past them, “Jus’ leavin’.” he said on the way out. Blueeye could clearly tell his associate didn’t want any trouble with these two and decided to leave too. “Sicks, Phive.” he acknowledged with a quick nod to each of them. “Wrong way round!” they both yelled at him. He threw his arms up in exasperation and yelled back “GAH! You fuckers do this on purpose!” With one last dismissive swing of his arm Blueeye left as well, to the backing of the two thieves giggling together. 

“Jerks…” Blueeye grumbled once out of earshot before turning his attention back to his main man. “SO! Any ideas?” he asked. Junker chuckled to himself and answered “Plenty. Might be a while. Other projects N’ all.” “No worries, my friend!” Blueeye reassured him, “I much prefer a completed result than results by a certain day!”

Chapter Text

Big Run has come yet again, this time in Undertow Spillway and at the request of Radio, Hanna and Bahn were getting involved. “I’m surprised you, of all people, are wanting to do this, Rad!” Hanna commented. “I have my problems with Mr. Grizz N’ don’t support his busyness, but this’s a li’l too close to home to ignore.” the boy answered. “I have to agree with you there.” Bahn concurred. 

Grizzco was, unsurprisingly, bustling with activity. People were gearing up to go to work and helicopters were in and out at a constant rate. But, after pushing through the crowd, the three of them were on a helicopter themselves alongside a fourth person that Hanna and Bahn didn’t recognise, but he did recognise Radio. “Fancy seeing you here, kid!” The man greeted the boy, and the boy cheerily replied “Hey, Whatdoido!” and the pair of them fist bumped. “You two know each other?” Bahn asked. “Yeah, we met not too long ago in the Lobby, and we've been friends ever since.” Whatdoido replied, Radio added on “He almost shot Conditions!” the man groaned, “Dude, Terms is still on my ass about it, I don’t need you as well.” “Hey, language!” Hanna admonished. Whatdoido just looked at her and snippily replied “What are you, five? Get over it!”

With introductions out of the way they arrived at the Big Run site and leapt out of the chopper. “Nice flying!” Bahn complimented the pilot on the way out.

Wave 1

Hanna was equipped with the H-3 Nozzlenose. “I can work with this.”

Bahn received a Rapid Blaster. “Not bad, not bad.”

Radio received the Grizzco Charger and immediately emptied his Inktank with it. “Sweet!”

Whatdoido was staring at the Splatana Stamper he was given, “I can do this, you trained for this…”

“I'm not going to sugarcoat it—there are Salmonids everywhere . Just stay focused on the task at hand, and you'll get through. I hope you had your coffee…” Mr. Grizz chimed in as the Salmonid horde began emerging. Radio set up shop near the egg basket and started shooting everything that moved, clearing a massive cluster by blowing up a Steelhead. Bahn and Whatdoido moved in to grab eggs and throw them into the basket, although the Inkling wasn’t too great at aiming his egg throws. Hanna, meanwhile, was covering Radio’s flank and making sure nothing got too close to him when he was low on ink (which was often). With surprisingly good teamwork, the four of them cleared the wave no problem. Besides Whatdoido getting surrounded and swinging his Stamper around like a baseball bat. 

"I'm pleased to report that you're turning the tide. Keep up the good work. And come to Papa, little eggs..."

Wave 2 - low tide

“Hey, can I call you Dooie?” Hanna asked as they Super Jumped to the centre of the map. “Please don’t.” the man responded, but Hanna and Bahn both told him “We’re calling you Dooie.” much to his chagrin. “Place looks alright for bein’ flooded.” Radio noticed. “It’s a spillway, it was designed to be flooded.” Bahn informed him. “Oh, yeah…” he muttered.

Hanna and Bahn were both given Inkbrushes, which they bumped together in solidarity.

Radio was given a .52 Gal.

And Dooie complained about the Flingza Roller he was given. “Oh, great. The most meh Roller there is.” 

“I'm not going to sugarcoat it—there are Salmonids everywhere . Just stay focused on the task at hand, and you'll get through. I hope you had your coffee…” 

Hanna and Bahn ran to opposite ends of the map to deal with the Schools of Salmonids as they arrived. Bahn had it handled, but Hanna may have been in a bit over her head, so Radio stepped in to support her. A Big Shot Launcher appeared eventually and Bahn just stood near that for the whole wave, throwing eggs closer to the basket. Whatdoido spent most of his time putting eggs into the basket and rolling over Smallfry and Chum. He also managed to get stuck under a Slammin’ Lid, taking a Flyfish and Steelhead with him.

The wave was completed and the team Super Jumped to high ground. As Mr. Grizz informed them "I'm pleased to report that you're turning the tide. Keep up the good work. And come to Papa, little eggs..."

Wave 3 - high tide, fog

Bahn was given a Slosher, but was too busy ducking under Radio swinging his Grizzco Charger around to comment on it, “Watch where you’re shooting that thing!” “Sorry!”

Hanna was given a Splattershot. “Good ol’ reliable.”

Whatdoido was given a Dynamo Roller. “Oh gimme a break…” and wasn’t too pleased about it.

“Is it…brighter in here?” Hanna wondered. Thick fog then rolled in and Bahn quipped “No.” "Fog's rolling in. That's no good...but don't give up hope. I need you to stay sharp out there." Mr. Grizz told them, as the Salmonids began to emerge once more.

This wave was pretty chaotic. Radio couldn’t see all that much, so he ended up just emptying his inktank over and over at random targets. Whatdoido just rolled over everything because his arms were tired from the Flingza Roller he had last wave. Bahn was, at the very least, trying to give callouts, not that anyone was listening and Hanna got stuck on top of a Fishstick pole because a Steel Eel and two Steelheads wouldn’t leave her alone. The egg quota was still met, though, and Mr. Grizz praised them, “Way to show those Salmonids who's the boss! It's me. I'm the boss.” but before they could jump back to the helicopter a siren started blaring . 

A gargantuan Salmonid emerged from the water as the sky reddened, and the Horrorboros roared “ I’M BACK, BITCHES! ”

Xtrawave - Horrorboros  

“Got a King Salmonid coming in. That means mandatory overtime! Here's an egg cannon. Now get to work!” Mr. Grizz ordered. As the four players were forced back into position. 

Hanna ended up with an Undercover Brella. “Uh…I can make this work?”

Bahn was given a Splattershot Pro. “Gotta be careful with this…”

Radio had a .52 Gal. “I should get me one o’ these…”

And Whatdoido had- “E-liter!? Fuck off!”

“ That's a Horrorboros. Do I even need to tell you to avoid the bombs that it periodically launches out of its mouth?” Mr. Grizz warned them. Radio decided, as a funny joke, to do what he did the last time and took a running leap onto the Horrorboros’ back. “ Remember me? ” he asked the King Salmonid, it screeched back “ FUCK YOU, *******! ” as it launched its bomb which made all the Salmonids stop and stare at it. Even the music stopped playing. “Uh, what happened?” Hanna asked, “Did it say something?” 

Before Radio could answer, the enormous regent screamed “ I AIN’T GOTTA TAKE SHIT FROM Y'ALL!  GET TO IT! ” and the wave started up again. Bahn focused on dealing with Boss Salmonids, to stop the place from getting too crowded, and Hanna focused on the Lesser Salmonids because what else was she going to do with an Undercover Brella? Radio and Whatdoido focused on the King, although the older of the two had trouble aiming and kept shooting it in the side instead of in the mouth. 

Suddenly, the Horrorboros managed to throw Radio off its back, and followed up by launching a bomb straight where the boy landed, shouting “ GET FUCKED, NERD! ” but the titanic monarch was weak. Through the haze of its launched bomb it started charging another, but Whatdoido swam forward with a charge stored, leapt into the air and fired through the swirling salmon gunk and destroyed the follow up bomb in the King’s mouth. “ AGGGH! THAT’S SUCH BULLSHIT! ” it cried out as it began to explode. Bahn got Radio back on his feet and the boy quickly leaned over the edge to check on his friend. 

Whatdoido was face down on the floor, having completely eaten shit on the landing. “S’bout wha’ I ‘xpected.”

“Never had a doubt! Great work. Now get back to the helicopter. Fuel isn't free.”

Somewhere underground, Blueeye was wandering around when he came across a Chum aggressively hitting a wall with its frying pan. The businessman saw this as a prime opportunity to practise some Salmonid.

“ Yo mama so fat -”

“ MY MAW WAS A SAINT! ”

And then Blueeye shot it in the face.  

Chapter Text

June 1st 2015

Entry:

The King was doing a concert when suddenly the music changed to…something else. A Heavenly Melody is the only way I can describe it. Now, having heard that song, the life I have just…isn’t enough. Everything is different. What once was a fulfilling career surrounded by comrades and sisters now feels like a boring drag surrounded by people I barely know. The food now just seems icky and gross, not like the nutritious meals they’re supposed to be. Even the colours of the world feel more vibrant. Which is weird because all the lights have turned off so it should be darker. 

I tried to find Ms. Ida to talk about it. She is smart, she could help me, but she is nowhere to be seen. Is she hiding? Or did she leave?

Could I leave, too? But what of all the things I have here? I can’t just give them all up, can I?

July 21st 2017

Entry:

His Majesty has returned and is moving all operations to Octo Canyon to plot his revenge. I, reluctantly, have moved there as well. I know this is treasonous to say, but I can’t deny it any longer, I do not want to keep fighting! Not like this! Those fuelled by the need for revenge either end up vengeful to the end or hollow in their victory. 

If his Majesty succeeds he will find he no longer knows what to strive towards.

If his Majesty fails he will continue to drive Octarian Society into a vicious cycle. 

June 14th 2018

I leave without ceremony.

Don't be too sore I wanted more.

My sincerest apology.

Pale summer moonlight shimmers on the seafloor.

An octopus, unaware that dawn will bring capture,

Rests within a trap, dreaming fleeting dreams...

Mr. Iso Padre gave me this empty book, called a diary, believing I could make better use of it. I have read the earlier entries but there is no mention of who it previously belonged to. I am sure they will not mind me borrowing it to jot down my scrambled thoughts.

I…do not remember anything from before I ended up here. Wherever ‘here’ is. We are in a place called the Deepsea Metro. A telephone gave me a device called a CQ-80 and a CQ Card, named me Applicant 10,008 and told me to collect 4 Thangs and complete tests along these train lines. Mr. Cuttlefish decided to call me Agent 8. Ms. Princess and Ms. Hyperfresh call me 8 as well.  

Mr. Cuttlefish is a strange old man, but I can tell from his knowledge, mannerisms and the medals he wears that he is no stranger to the battlefield. I trust him.

He mentioned an Agent 3 as well, who I was apparently fighting before we ended up here but I do not remember them and they appear to be missing.

Mr. Iso Padre is a unique and wise fellow. Almost parental in a way. He was once an applicant for…whatever it is the telephone signed me up for. He wishes to see all the mem cakes I gather from completing these tests. I trust him.

Ms. Princess and Ms. Hyperfresh I have not met in person, only heard their voices over Mr. Cuttlefish’s radio. Ms. Princess seems to be loud, confident, confrontational and protective whereas Ms. Hyperfresh is more soft-spoken, self-conscious, rational and intelligent. Her voice sounds…familiar somehow but I am not sure. I do trust them both, though. 

Mr. CQ Cumber is the train conductor. He seems harmless and focused on simply doing his job, but does offer advice and guidance whenever I ask for it. He is also the one pressing the detonate for the bomb that is occasionally strapped to my back in tests, but again, he is simply doing his job, I’m sure there is no ill will behind it. Even if it is painful and scary. He does not have my full trust yet. Also I think there are multiple of him?

The telephone is…overly friendly to an unnerving level. I do not trust it but I have no choice.

Uh… I don’t know the date right now…

I have asked Mr. Iso Padre, Mr. CQ Cumber and Mr. Cuttlefish but none of them seem to know. I have not been able to get a hold of Ms. Princess or Ms. Hyperfresh to ask them and everyone else on the train refuses to give me ‘the time of day’ as the saying goes.

When I am not busy doing the tests I spend most of my time reading the magazines left for passengers to read. My favourite is ‘Inkopolis Illustrated’. I often spend my free time using it to imagine what Inkopolis is like. 

Fresh fashion, good friends, Turf Wars, tasty food…

Now I am hungry.

Just keep on riding the train.

Where it goes no one knows.

At least it’s shelter from the rain.

I am…not quite as good of a poet as this diary’s previous owner hehe…

Still don’t know the date, sorry…

These mem cakes have been very helpful in jogging my memories. It almost feels like they are my memories in a physical form…

Nah, can’t be, that’s ridiculous!

I have obtained three of the four Thangs. Mr. Cuttlefish is more worried about Agent 3, but I remember her now! Or at least what she looked like. Hopefully that ‘Missing Agent’ poster will do its job and help Mr. Cuttlefish find her. 

Only one more Thang to find before we can go to ‘The Promised Land’! 

Date: about to find out

Got 4 things, getting out of here

OK, it’s June 20th, about to be 21st. Apparently. Oh, yeah, 2018

That was AWFUL

So the Thangs made blender and tried to smoothie us, Agent 3 smashes through the ceiling, breaks the blender and knocks herself out, I jump up through the hole in the ceiling to find a way out except I’ve got no weapon so I sneak past everything, get Splat Bombs and an Octoshot, witness the horrific process of sanitisation on the way out, jump over lasers, fly around on a jet pack for a little bit, push a platform through a gauntlet and get to an elevator.

Agent 3 stops the elevator and is being mind controlled by the telephone or something? Anyway she attacks me and I go through the worst fight of my life after going through the worst climb of my life but I win, despite all odds, and finally, FINALLY make it to the surface. Ms. Pearl and Ms. Ida show up with an armada of helicopters(?!) and pick us up. Then the statue we were standing on rises out of the ocean and a giant laser cannon comes out of it. The telephone reveals its evil plan to recreate life or something? Then we all scramble to stop it. Ms. Ida launches Hyper Bombs all over the statue and tells me to go blow them up so I do, meanwhile Ms. Pearl warms up for the finishing blow.

I experience my first Turf War in a way I can safely say no one else has or will, Ms. Pearl pulls out a huge speaker thing and yells into it which shoots a laser at the statue and destroys it and we all celebrate.

I am now going to pass out. Right after this…

When you left you were all alone.

Step into the light and shine bright.

Welcome to your new home.

Pretty sure it’s June 21st now

I have made it to the promised land, Inkopolis! And it is everything I had imagined and more! Ms. Pearl and Ms. Ida have generously allowed me to stay with them for as long as I want/need. I have also been introduced to the New Squidbeak Splatoon.

Ms. Callie and Ms. Marie are the Squid Sisters! They’re the ones who performed that Heavenly Melody all those years ago! Ms. Callie is so cheerful and friendly, although a little too keen on physical affection for my tastes. Ms. Marie is so calm and aloof, but I can tell that she holds strong feelings behind that aloofness. 

Agent 3 is very cool! And powerful! I like her.

Agent 4 is…scary. I may have screamed when I saw his face for the first time. And then cowered in fear when I saw it the second and third times. There is just something about him that puts me on edge, his deep purple eyes with orange X-shaped pupils, his rather sharp beak, his surprisingly tall height for an Inkling the same age as me. I am sure, in time, I will be able to get over these things, but it will take some work. From both of us. 

July 21st 2018

It has been a whole month since I made it to the surface, and many great things have happened! I have been enrolled in a school, a place of education, which will be starting in a couple of months. I am excited for this opportunity to learn.

Agent 4 is actually not as scary as I first thought! Yes, his appearance is quite intimidating, and he does get angry very easily, but in the right environment he is a great person. He has been nothing but patient and kind showing me around the city, answering any and all of my (in his words) extremely random questions. He even introduced me to his friends! Some of which are also Agent 3’s friends. 

They all insisted on a first name basis! Or worse; nicknames …

Douglas May (Doug, as per his request) is one of 4’s oldest friends. They go way back apparently, and he plays the straight man to 4’s funny man. He is quite kind, but not always the sharpest tool in the shed. His biker aesthetic is pretty cool but I’m not entirely sure it fits him.

David Gulliver Morris V (Davey, as per his insistence after I called him Mr. The Fifth) is a friend of Agent 3 and 4. His family are landed gentry which makes them important I guess? He’s an inventor, if that odd contraption he showed off is anything to go by, and occasionally he talks in a very prim and proper manner.

Dugol Smithe (Dugol, as per his request) is quite laid back. Almost too laid back, like he’s hiding something he’s embarrassed about. He apparently tried ‘flirting’ with me, not that I know what that is, but seemed to take it all in stride when he was told to ‘knock it off’. I can tell he and Agent 3 have feelings for each other, but they seem too nervous or oblivious to say anything.

Mary Amando (Mary, as per her request) is also an old friend of Agent 4 but she is- er was 3’s roommate. She is driven, goal-oriented and no-nonsense. Of Doug, 4 and herself, she is the oldest and thus the responsible one. She is apparently quite the entrepreneur and runs her own business, although I’m not entirely sure what it is she actually does. She also tried ‘flirting’ with me, or so I’m told.

Lucy Ramoan (Lucy, after I refused to call her Lulu when no one else did) is very popular. She at first appeared jealous of my closeness with 4 but immediately after declared us ‘besties’. She was glaring at my chest a lot for some reason, although I didn’t notice until 4 muttered “If looks could kill…” 

The four of us girls all went shopping after that, and I finally had something to wear other than the basic gear Ms. Callie gave me and the things I had during my time in the Deepsea Metro. The boys went and did…whatever it is boys…do.

September 7th 2018

School has begun, well it started a few days ago but that was just getting used to the new environment. Today was the first ‘normal’ day of school. I must say, it is not quite as interesting as I had anticipated. The curriculum is so…easy. Mathematics, History, Geography and Science are all things I am more than knowledgeable on. The only subjects that I have any difficulty in are Literacy and Sports. Literacy because my written Inkling reading comprehension is…lacking and Sports because 3 and 4 know exactly what I’m capable of and refuse to hold back. 

That dodgeball game quickly became a very violent game of catch between the three of us. 

In other news, the boys set fire to a car wash. The others were disappointed when they found out, but after Ride With Me Station I would do the same.

July 18th 2019

I am glad this is all over…

The Final Fest, as fun as it was, is not something I want to do again…

Our friend group was torn apart, 4 went back to his old, scary self and Alex was angry at him as well. Pearl and Marina were all energy on stage but behind the scenes Marina was falling apart. It was so strange seeing her so meek and upset when I have always known her to be, yes, shy but always put together like there is no circumstance she could not handle when she used her mind.

But it’s over. Nothing bad happened. We are all friends again.

Well 4 is still angry about something, even I can’t tell this time, and he refuses to talk about it.

There is one good thing that happened, I remembered my name! It is Olivia! I do not remember my last name, or if I even had one, so Marina was kind enough to let me use hers.

I am Olivia Ida, nice to meet you!

October 3rd 2020

Hang on, was this my diary the entire time?! Sorry, not important…

Alex and Dugol finally got together! I am happy for them. As happy as I was when I found out Luke and Lucy got together.

That’s another thing, Luke! That is Agent 4’s name! I can’t believe I actually thought his name was really ‘4’ I feel a little silly. I wonder why it took him 2 years to tell us? 

I also got a job at Ammo Knights! Sheldon was impressed by my knowledge of weaponry and was happy to hire me.

Gramps is planning his retirement and looking for a successor to become Captain. I would rather not be Captain, that is a lot of pressure. Certainly more pressure than I could handle.

8th February 2023

I feel like…something strange is about to happen involving Inkopolis Square...

Eh, it's probably nothing.

Chapter Text

Stinky(Cap3) > Agent 4 has something to ask of all of you

Kaboom(4) > I do?

Stinky(Cap3) > You do

Kaboom(4) > Oh **** I do!

Kaboom(4) > Any of our newer members have any outstanding injuries or health problems I should know about?

Boss.Marie(2) > Phew, thought it was something important…

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Glad we don’t have to do it again!

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > Have Pearlie and I done this?

Kaboom(4) > Pearl mentioned blowing out her voice with her war cry and you have a clean bill of health.

Kaboom(4) > Thank ****

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > Why are you asking this now?

Stinky(Cap3) > We were supposed to do it just after sorting Agent 3’s medical records but we got a little side tracked.

Kaboom(4) > Don’t all rush to tell me at once, by the way.

Eel_Master(Frye) > Sorry sorry!

Ian.BGM(BMan) > We were wrapping up a recording session

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > What are we telling you?

Kaboom(4) > Injuries, medical records, any other things it would be useful for the medic to know!

Eel_Master(Frye) > I mean…

Eel_Master(Frye) > Got plenty of bites from my beginning days of eel charming, but most ‘em have healed.

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > While they don’t impede me in my day to day, I have a litany of scars and marks from my training to be a shark tamer.

Boss.Marie(2) > Where, exactly?

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > Yeah! I haven’t seen any on you… EVER!

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I use makeup. While I’m not ashamed of my scars, they don’t suit the persona I give off when doing Splatcasts or music. 

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > I do quite enjoy the makeup application process, though. It helps get my mind in the right place every morning.

Stinky(Cap3) > Can’t say I feel the same way…

Eel_Master(Frye) > Are you covering scars too Cap?

Stinky(Cap3) > I used to but it’s faded enough to the point where you’d only notice if you look for it

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Where?

Stinky(Cap3) > Wouldn’t you like to know?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > OK, sorry I asked…

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Apart from the general bumps and bruises that come with banditry, I’m fine!

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > What about Bahn?

…

Ian.BGM(BMan) > I think Bahn might be working

Kaboom(4) > Well, where the **** is he?!

Eel_Master(Frye) > Probably about 35,000 feet above sea level

Kaboom(4) > Oh.

Kaboom(4) > Whatever, I’ll ask him later. Then that’ll be everyone.

DJ_Octavio > What about me?

Kaboom(4) > I hope you know that if everyone in the Splatoon is injured, YOU are my lowest priority. 

DJ_Octavio > That’s harsh…

Ian.BGM(BMan) > I just remembered! My diet is specially curated to maintain a high level of bodily toxins. So be careful with me if I’m unconscious!

Kaboom(4) > Cool, thanks for thdnwfgeth

Eel_Master(Frye) > Uh?

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > Um?

Ian.BGM(BMan) > Ay?

MC.Princess(Pearl) > 4 you good?

Kaboom(4) > I ought to kill that *******

Stinky(Cap3) > You say that every time…

Poetry_In_Motion(8) > And yet, Davey is still alive.

Eel_Master(Frye) > What’s your guy’s friend gotta do with this?

Kaboom(4) > Davey decided (without asking me) to perform surgery and give me some space-age pacemakers he made that are DIRECTLY attached to my hearts. Plus side, I can respawn on the spot. Side effects include: higher than average resting heart rate, random and sudden adrenaline spikes and occasionally coughing up salt water.

Eel_Master(Frye) > 0_0

Shark_Tamer(Shiver) > That’s…certainly…something…

DJ_Hyperfresh(Marina) > The folly of so many modern inventors, so obsessed with whether or not they could that they don’t think about whether or not they should.

Kaboom(4) > I wasn’t too pleased to find out he’d done that while I slept, and I proceeded to stress test his new invention in a very explosive fashion.

Boss.Marie(2) > So THAT’S that story!

Bomb_Rush_Blush(1) > If you were gonna kill him, I’d have thought that would do it?

Kaboom(4) > Slippery sod’s harder to kill than I am.

Bahn > I  fell down a stair last month

Kaboom(4) > What, one?

Bahn > Yes, just one

Bahn > I got to the bottom of the stairs, slipped and kicked a table.

Bahn > Couldn’t put weight on one leg for 2 weeks.

Kaboom(4) > Dumb***

Chapter Text

“Why are we here?” Radio grumpily questioned as Bahn’s car pulled up outside the main entrance of the prestigious Inkblot Art Academy, which he recently found out teaches a lot more than just drawing. “You’re here because Hanna invited you, and you’re going to be a good friend and show up.” Bahn informed him. 

“I am?”

“You are.”

“So why are you here?” was the boy’s next question as he stepped out of the car. “I’m not.” Bahn responded, closing the passenger door and slamming the accelerator with a quick “See ya!” before he sped off. A bewildered Smallfry and Radio watched him disappear around a corner before the pair both uttered “ That BASTARD! ” After standing around for a couple of minutes, simmering slightly, the boy relented and turned around to walk into the main building. 

Once past the threshold of the doors, the atmosphere completely changed. All around there were students in uniform showing parents and siblings around, faculty members acting as guides and passing out fliers and various works of current and former students on display. “Biggeran Turf Wars make ya think…” Radio absently muttered to himself. The boy meandered his way through hallways, looking at all there was to see until eventually he came across a map of campus which reminded him that he was there for a reason. It took a…not insignificant amount of time spent staring at the map for him to figure out where the right building was, and when he did find it he realised, “He din’t even leave me on the right side o’ the Site!” 

Walking through the courtyard to get to the correct building left the boy and Smallfry without much to do, so they opened their ears to eavesdrop on people. Unfortunately, what they heard wasn’t something they wanted to hear.

“Hey, isn’t that that kid who won that Deep Cut contest?”

“Yo, you right!”

“Didn’t he also, like, sword fight Shiver that one time?”

“D’ya think we could get a photo of him?”

“Knew I shoulda wore summit else…” Radio sighed. Being recognised has always been a bad thing for him. “ Watch out, they’re getting cameras! ” Buddy warned him, so Radio held his hat down and increased his pace. Eventually he went around a corner and when the more…dedicated photographers followed him, the kid was gone. “Wha- How’d he do that?!”

Having escaped the horde that is The General Public, Radio made it to his destination. He’s pretty sure the map said ‘Kitchen’ but there was a word before it he didn’t understand. His worries of having the wrong place were quickly swept away as he saw Hanna, in the same uniform as all the other students, immediately lock eyes with him and walk over. “Rad, you made it!” she cheered, and then picked him up in a hug. Radio went stiff as a board in the hug, being completely unprepared for it. Hanna didn’t seem to mind as she barrelled ahead, dragging her friend with her into a classroom. 

In the classroom were two other people. One had Radio’s attention immediately. “ You son of a bitch! ” he accused. Bahn turned around to face him with a smile, ready to speak, but a certain Smallfry was hurled at his face, which knocked him to the floor and pummelled the Octoling. Radio turned to look up at the other man in the room. And then kept looking up to the point he nearly fell backwards. “Wow, ya’re tall!” The man in question was an Inkling in a crisp tan suit, who chuckled at the young boy’s exclamation. “I get that a lot.” he admitted before crouching down and offering a hand for a handshake. “I’m one of the teachers here at Inkblot Art Academy, my name is Man-Eater Bell.” Buddy stopped beating up Bahn to jump over and ask “ I hear that right? He just said his name was Man-Eater?! ” Radio accepted the handshake, but glanced between the teacher and student repeatedly until Hanna confirmed, “Yes, he is my Dad.” “ THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED! ” the Salmonid screeched. “ Be quiet! ” Radio growled back and then held the little fish’s mouth shut. 

“I understand that this Smallfry is with you, young lad, but I must insist you two stick together while you are here. Some of the students are still a little on edge after the Big Run, and we wouldn’t want your little friend to get hurt.” Mr. Bell cautioned the young boy. “How’d you know?” Radio questioned. Bahn picked himself up off the floor, readjusted his glasses and stated, “You did just throw it at me.” “Point.” the boy conceded. “Oh, Hanna talks about you a lot, young man.” the teacher explained. “She does?” Radio and Bahn both asked. Radio out of confusion, while Bahn had a more teasing tone to his voice. “N-not like THAT!” Hanna cried out, slightly flustered. Bahn just chuckled alongside Mr. Bell. Radio was still confused, but decided it probably wasn’t important. 

When things calmed down, Hanna gave her friends a tour of the place. From the classrooms to the bathrooms and everywhere in between. Eventually they ended up outside again and soon met with a crowd. “Where is that kid?!” one crowd member shouted. Then everyone heard the metallic *CLANG* of a manhole cover hitting the floor. Bahn and Hanna also noticed the distinct missing presence of Radio. “He went down there!” Bahn informed the crowd and pointed to the manhole entrance. The entire crowd rushed forward and practically threw themselves down the sewer. Once they were all down there, Bahn put the cover back over the top. “You’re really just gonna sell him out like that?!” Hanna questioned. “No, because he’s over there.” Bahn responded and pointed over at a corner of a building, which Radio then appeared from behind. The girl quickly looked between the boy and the manhole cover, silently conveying her confusion. “Kicked the cover up N’ then ran. ‘Sa play we played before.” Radio told her as he re-joined them. He then had a question of his own for Bahn, “How come no one tries t’ chase you? You was there too!” “You don’t get the title ‘Friendliest Guy in Splatsville’ by not being known. Unlike you Mr. No-name-no-face-but-friends-with-Deep-Cut.”

…

“S’not actually what they call me, is it?”

“No.”

“From what I’ve read, they mostly call you ‘Howdy Hat’ or just ‘Deep Cut’s friend’.”

“Imma leave ‘fore more people show up.”

Chapter Text

Hanna, Bahn and Radio were sitting around outside one of Splatsville’s many cafes, as they often do, but things weren’t quite the same as they usually are. “Are there…more people on the rooftops than normal?” Hanna questioned. The three of them looked around, noticing at least five people on top of buildings in just the area around them. All of them were armed with some type of long range weapon. “Think it’s got something to do with the speech the Governor is gonna be making today?” Bahn suggested. “Prolly.” Radio agreed, while Hanna innocently wondered, “Why? So they can get a better view of it?” the two boys looked at each other, sharing the silent message of ‘She doesn’t know!’ Bahn eventually assured her, “Yeah, sure, kid.” 

“Our good ol’ Guv’nor ain’t too popular with the populace, you know?” A sudden voice interrupted as a man approached the three of them and pulled up a chair to join them, sitting between Radio and Bahn. “Hey, you’re Mr. Bad Guy!” Hanna exclaimed. “It’s pronounced ‘Badge’!” He corrected, “And please, call me Redeye.” the man reintroduced himself while Radio tried not to laugh. Bahn gave Redeye a sceptical look and told him “I went along with it before, but how do I know you and Rad are actually friends? How’d you two meet?” In the face of the Octoling's demands the two Inkling males looked to each other. “Oh, you know.” both of them began before falling silent, letting the conversation die. “OK, you two are definitely friends…” Bahn sighed. Hanna chimed in, saying “I can tell by the way you two wear your hats over your faces.” “Means yer crampin’ me style, Red.” Radio told him. “Oi! I’ve been wearing hats like this longer than you’ve been alive!” Redeye argued, Radio argued back “But I do it better!”

“Anyway, what’s this about the Governor not being popular?” Bahn asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from fashion. Redeye took his bait and began explaining, “Well, they were never anyone’s favourite to begin with, just the least bad of all the terrible options, but some of their policies rubbed folks the wrong way.” Bahn gestured for him to continue, so he did, “As I’m sure you’re all aware, plenty o’ peeps make a livin’ scavenging for scraps out in the Splatlands,” His audience nodded, “Well thanks to the Guv’nor, the Outer Splatlands Desert is now a Human Heritage Site, meaning taking anything, as well as the buying and selling of those things, from the Splatlands is a crime. Turned a lot of otherwise innocent individuals into wanted crooks and repeat offenders.” Redeye paused, seemingly finished, before adding on, “Don’t get me wrong, the Thieves Gang are still thieves and murderers, but not everyone who salvages junk is a stab-happy lunatic.”

No one noticed the glare Radio levelled at Redeye as Hanna asked, “Then what’s with all the people on the roofs?” Bahn then also started glaring at Redeye to warn him ‘Don’t say it!’ he ignored the warning and clarified for the young girl “Those are assassins, they wanna murk the bastard or have been paid by someone who wants to get rid of ‘em.” Hanna was completely shell shocked by this information. “DUDE! You can’t just SAY that to a 16 year old!” Bahn yelled at him. “Whaddaya mean? Rad’s 14 and he’s fine!” Redeye defended himself, “You know damn well what the difference between them is!”  Bahn accused.

Meanwhile Radio was attempting to bring Hanna back to reality with the help of Buddy. “ Frankly, if they’re not prepared for at least one attempt on the Governor’s life then the idiot’s gonna get what’s coming to ‘em. ” The Smallfry stated. “ I agree, but maybe we should keep that to ourselves. ” Radio concurred.

Chapter Text

Blueeye was, as usual, laid back on a chair watching people walk by, keeping an eye out for an easy payday. So far no such thing has come up, but someone interesting is currently coming his way. Too of the Thieves Gang, looking like he’s about to have an anxiety attack or suddenly kill everyone in sight. The businessman watched as the Octoling nervously shuffled through the busy streets and had a devious idea.

“Ah, I knew I shoulda asked Mr. Nein or Master Free to come with me, I can’t do this!” the jumpy thief quietly fretted to himself when suddenly something landed on his visor. It slowly slid down until it was in front of his eyes; a spider. As you are probably expecting, he freaked the fuck out. A high pitched squeal rang out through the underground marketplace, and those near the source of said cry soon found themselves knocked over by the guy flailing about like a fish out of water, screaming “GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!” 

A ‘saviour’ arrived in the form of an Octoling not near as cowardly, but just as dumb, Levin. He quickly jumped onto the scene, grabbed hold of the screeching lad and pulled the spider off his face before getting him to calm down, “Oi! Get a grip, Too! Breathe with me here, man!” he ordered. Too eventually came out of shock, but was still breathing heavily and huffed out, “HAH…th-thanks…Boss Levin…” the pair of them began to leave, Levin talking about being proud Too made it there by himself but would have wanted to know he’d left, when the Thieves Gang Leader realised, “This isn’t even a real spider!” and hurled it at the first shopkeeper he saw, which happened to be Blueeye. The man, of course, caught it and turned to the Octoling with a look of ‘What do you want me to do?’ “Consider it a gift.” Levin curtly told him. “Wow! A gift from the leader of the Thieves Gang! I’ll treasure it.” he gasped with mock enthusiasm, knowing full well the rubber spider belonged to him in the first place.

Bahn was doing some cleaning in his apartment, as adults do on occasion. He was vacuuming the bedroom as the carpet was very dusty in there, when he noticed one of the drawers wasn’t pushed up against the wall, leaving a small gap. Curious, he pulled the drawer further away to see if he’d lost anything down there.

He didn’t find any missing items or loose change, but he did find a spider’s nest. He flinched back at the sight of it. Bahn, like most sane people, would prefer to not have several hundred creepy-crawly little bastards living in the same room he sleeps in. “I should call the landlord and let him deal with it.” he said to himself. His gaze then slid to the hoover in his hands and he went, “Ooooorrrr…”

>TheGoodSucc.MP3

“Right, now that that’s done, I just gotta throw this in a fire somewhere and buy a new vacuum!”

“That new movie has me so…conflicted…” Marie sighed, “On the one hand, it IS a good movie, but the stunts just seemed so…lacklustre.” Callie nodded in agreement, “It was kinda like watching Agent 3 doing those Zipcaster challenges, just…less interesting.” the Captain just chuckled, “Suppose when you’ve seen someone doing it for real, staged stunts lose their appeal.” 

“I know!” Callie suddenly yelled, “I’ll give my agent a call! We’ll see if we can’t get Agent 3 a stunt double job!” “I think he might be a little too short to fit the role, Callie.” Marie told her. Her cousin deflated and admitted “Yeah, you’re right…” never one to stay down long, Callie bounced back up with another idea, “We’ll just have to make our own movie! ‘The Inkredible Zipcaster’! Agent 3 can play the hero, Marie can be the damsel in distress, Captain can be the bad guy and I’ll be the angry newspaper owner who hates the main character! It’ll release in theatres to rave reviews, and DVD sales will be in the millions! Then it’ll lead into a sequel and eventually a trilogy before being rebooted with a new character taking the role of the hero! It’ll be a cult classic before you know it!”

“Good luck getting Agent 3 to agree to that. He doesn’t even like having his picture taken.”

It’s a Turf War on Hagglefish Market! A minute has passed already, but the ink is still flying! Whatdoido was getting in some more practice with the Splatana Stamper, and was currently trying (and failing) to use the Zipcaster to get around and deal with that pesky Z+F Charger guy. 

He hit a pile of boxes instead, getting his foot stuck in one and completely eating shit, skidding to a halt in mid. “Any last words?” he was asked as an enemy player levelled a Luna Blaster in his face. “Uh…with great power comes great responsibility?” he joked. He got shot in the face for it. “Uncle Ben, no!” Radio cried, committed to keeping the bit going, and activated his Special, a Trizooka. Blasting both the Luna Blaster and Z+F Charger, using the third shot to push back a Mini Splatling approaching. 

“Dang, Spider-Man would have been way different if he had a bazooka.” 

Chapter Text

Early on in his career of salvaging junk in the desert, Radio learned a valuable lesson on time management and spatial awareness. It was dark, getting colder by the minute, and a rare phenomenon was occurring, the desert was shrouded in a foggy notion. Junker had no clue where in the Splatlands he actually was and Smallfry was already asleep in his backpack, so he had no one to rely on but himself to get out of this situation.

But, he was (and still is) a young child and his problem solving skills are…something, alright. The boy’s genius solution to finding his way home was to pick a direction and walk in a straight line, reasoning he was bound to see something eventually that could tell him where he was if he just kept moving. Technically correct, but absolutely a terrible idea. Especially with the odd weather.

Since no one was around to tell him how bad an idea that was, he went through with it and started wandering forwards, blissfully unaware of what awaited him. After a while of aimless walking, something happened. There was an unnatural stillness in the air, and the ground rumbled beneath Radio’s feet. Soon, they began to emerge from the sand. Dozens of them. Hundreds of them! THOUSANDS of them! 

Eels…

Slightly off put by the surfacing of all the wriggly, slightly luminescent yellow creatures, the boy tried to disappear silently into the misty night. The eels still heard him and one by one they each turned to face him, appraising him as if they didn’t quite know what to do about him being there. Then the ground shook once more, knocking Junker off his feet as behind him emerged…

A real big one.

And I’m talking proper massive.

Like, “I don’t want to be on the same continent as that thing”-type gargantuan.

That big.

The mahoosive Eel leered down at the boy, taking in every detail of him, its eyes piercing right through the fog. The ratty-looking cloak, the shredded t-shirt, the old boots, the shades and mask, the Smallfry sleeping in his bag, the fear making itself known in his body language…

The boss eel howled to the night sky upon completing its appraisal, and all its eel underlings howled back in response, before all at once rushing for the boy. He quickly jumped to his feet and made a break for it, every eel swarming after him. He ducked, dodged, bobbed, weaved, jumped and tumbled away from the encroaching horde, but every time one eel would stumble and fail, two more would come rushing in to fill in, and with no weapon to defend himself and visibility worsening by the second it was only a matter of time. One eel bit down on the boy’s leg, tripping him. The rest soon swarmed in and pinned him before they devoured him, tore the child apart till nothing but a stain remained.

A couple minutes later, in what would eventually become Radio’s secret base, a homemade Spawner burst into life and spat the boy out, fully intact and with his Little Buddy. 

And from then on the boy was traumatised! 

The big eel returned to its nest to report to their mistress the events that just transpired. It surged through the hole in the wall and stuck its head into its mistress' room. Seeing her sleeping brought the giant much joy, but she still had to be informed, so it reluctantly nudged her awake. “Hmm? Wazzup?” Frye mumbled. She stared at the big eel in front of her, not fully registering what it was for a few seconds while her brain warmed up. When it saw recognition in her eyes, the giant explained to its mistress what had happened, telling her of the intruder the Fry dealt with. “Yeah?” she sleepily responded, “G’job big guy…” she praised and lazily patted its snout. “Next time we go out, I’ll get’cha a comfy parking space…” 

Frye rolled over and was soon snoring again. The eel grabbed the covers in its maw and gingerly brought them back over her, tucking her in as best it could. It then slunk back into the eel cave, satisfied with the results and ready to go back to guarding its mistress’ territory. 

Chapter Text

“Listen up! It’s going down… Repping the Splatlands, we are DEEP CUT!”

“Anarchy Splatcast! We’re live with an emergency announcement!”

“Ay! (Let’s get to it!)”

The altered Anarchy Splatcast intro that nobody ever wants to hear played across every TV, phone and all other publicly available digital screens. Which usually only happens when something bad is about to go down. Big Man’s TV screen changed to show a sandstorm warning as Shiver announced “We’ve just received a report that a sandstorm is making its way towards Splatsville as we speak.” Frye recoiled in shock at the message. “NOOOOOO!!!” She cried, “How are we gonna loot- I mean play Turf Wars now?!” Shiver shook her head and explained “I’m afraid all Turf War activities are closed for the time being, travelling is far too dangerous right now.” In response to that, Frye groaned loudly and flopped backwards. “Ay, ay! (Look on the bright side, you can spend time with your family indoors!)” Big Man cheerfully suggested. “UUGGGHHH! But that’s BORING!” the Inkling whined. Shiver just shook her head at Frye’s antics, but couldn’t keep the fond smile off her face. “Regardless, we would highly recommend against going outside during a sandstorm.” Shiver addressed the viewers once again, “Stay safe, stay inside and try not to go crazy. Maybe bust out the vintage DVDs if you have to.” That got Frye to sit straight back up and glare right at the Octoling. Shiver noticed and asked “What?” “Don’t ever say ‘vintage DVDs’ again, you’ll make me feel old.” Frye told her. Big Man could see what was about to happen, so the Manta Ray decided to end the broadcast, “Ay. Ay! (And that’s all for now. Let’s get outta here!)” Shiver and Frye took the cue and both stood up, the three of them struck their pose and called out “Catch ya later!”

Blueeye flipped his phone shut and leaned his chair further back to kick his feet up. “Good thing we’re underground, huh?” he mused to himself, before sobering slightly. “Sure hope Junker ain’t out and about in that… What would I do without my favourite customer?” He had no time to contemplate that question as people started pouring in to escape the oncoming black blizzard, a perfect opportunity to make some cash.

Bahn sat in his living room as the emergency broadcast ended, still only half dressed and just finishing breakfast. “Guess I’ll get dressed and then grab Radio before the sandstorm hits.” he decided. However, by the time he was dressed properly and ready to leave, all he could see outside was dust. “Hm…” the Octoling vocalised. And then his doorbell went off, so he went to answer it. “Hey, man, Landlord said they’re doing a movie marathon in the lobby. You gonna come?” his neighbour greeted. Bahn answered “Yeah, why not? Nothing else going on today." The two of them laughed at his joke and went to go join the rest of the tenants. On the way Bahn thought to himself, ‘ Oh, I’m sure the kid’s fine ’.

“ Fucking hell! ” Radio cursed as his dumpster home nearly tipped over for the fifth time. It turns out that plastic containers on wheels don’t exactly handle harsh winds too well. Even with the weight of a…very underweight child in them. “ This is like the time I was in Bahn’s washing machine. Only drier. ” Buddy mentioned as it tumbled through the air. After the pair had been rattled around for several minutes they suddenly stilled. “ Is it over already? ” the Smallfry wondered. Radio stuck his head out and was immediately blasted in the face with sand. He dropped back down with his eyes shut, trying to get sand out of them, and said “ Nope, not over. ” If his eyes were open he would have noticed ⅔ of Deep Cut were crowding the place. Big Man was holding the Dumpster still, while Frye tried to get prepared to get the two of them out of there. She eventually yelled, “Screw it!” flung the lid open, grabbed both of them and carried them into the studio with Big Man following behind. Frye didn’t stop once they were inside and carried them all the way to her dressing room. She put Radio on the floor in front of Shiver who promptly shoved a towel in the boy’s face and started wiping sand off of him. Frye then plopped Little Buddy into a bucket of water so it could wash off as well. 

Once Radio figured out where he was, he grabbed Shiver’s hands to make her stop and pulled his head out of the towel. Pausing to take in the situation, he eventually asked “Wass ’appening?” “Ay, ay! (Well, we weren’t just gonna leave you out there!)” Big Man responded as he shuffled into the room. “And Bahn can’t come and get you, so you’re staying with us!” Frye finished. “Where’s Buddy?” was his next question, and Shiver pointed him in the direction of the bucket, where the Smallfry poked out from the top and gave a thumbs up. Or as close to a thumbs up as one can without fingers. Frye then pulled some clothes out of a wardrobe and placed them on a nearby seat, “Change of clothes for ya, so you don’t get sand everywhere.” she explained. Radio looked at the clothes, noticing how they looked suspiciously similar to his own gear. “Whydaya have clothes pacifcally for me?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t worry about it.” all three members of Deep Cut responded at once, Shiver then added on “Also it’s ‘specifically’.” Radio decided not to worry about it.

Once he was changed and Smallfry was dried off, the idol trio gave him a tour of the studio. Granted, he already knew the layout of the place because he kept sneaking in to borrow things without permission but he wasn’t gonna tell them that. What he did find weird was that none of the staff seemed to be surprised he was there. No weird looks or whispered suspicions. “You won that contest, remember?” Frye reminded him after having seemingly read his mind, “After all the times you’ve been spotted with us before, nobody’ll bat an eye at it now!” “ I never thought a rigged contest would have such an impact on our lives. ” Little Buddy commented. “Ay! (With how often you appear in the news, you’re practically a local legend.)” Big Man told him. Radio paused upon hearing that, “Wait, what?” Shiver pulled out her phone and showed him some news articles online.

Deep Cut’s Friend spotted at Inkblot Art Academy!

Howdy Hat Kid seen riding the train!

Howdy Hat seen using Tri-Stringer in Turf War! Inspired by Shiver?

Who is Deep Cut’s mysterious hat wearing friend? All the details we have so far:

“Must be slow news week…” Radio muttered, surprised people are that interested in this after so long and also a little annoyed. Being in the public eye is highly counterproductive to being a wanted criminal on the run. I mean, Deep Cut makes it work but they’re the exception, not the rule. Quite frankly it’s a miracle they’ve managed to keep it a secret this long, they aren’t exactly subtle. “Maybe I’ll jus’ wear summit else in public.” “What, you don’t wanna be famous?” Shiver questioned. “Not paticuly.” the boy replied. “But think of all the money you’d get!” she cried out in response. “In return for never having privacy ever? No thanks.” 

Their conversation was interrupted when they, apparently, arrived at their destination. “Ever heard of the ink of cephalopod kindness?” Frye asked, “Well, prepare to be splatted by it!” she declared as she swung a door open. “S’a room.” Radio stated. “Ay, ay! (Not just any room, it’s your room!)” Big Man informed him. The boy’s eyes widened in surprise, but then narrowed in suspicion, “What’s the catch?” he asked, “No catch, for once, It’s yours whenever you need it!” Shiver assured him. “Anyway, we’ve got work to be doin’ so we’ll leave ya to it!” Frye announced and the trio left the boy and Smallfry alone. Still suspicious of it, the first thing they did was flip the whole place upside down to make sure there wasn’t anything that could be used to spy on him. He found nothing of the sort.

Radio didn’t plan on using the room often, or at all if he could ever help it, self-sufficiency and all that. But an extra base of operations never hurt anyone, even if it is in enemy territory. So they decided to hunker down and wait out the sandstorm. “ I’ll do something nice for them later, so I don’t feel like I owe them one. ”

Chapter Text

“ We’re lost. ” Smallfry stated. “ We’re not lost! We just…don’t know where we are… ” Radio claimed, but his Little Buddy just squawked “ That’s what being lost means! ” Indeed, the pair of them had somehow ended up in a seemingly abandoned corner of Splatsville. The shops were all boarded up and shuttered to show they were closed, the apartment complexes were all empty, litter and loose newspapers blew across the streets and the walls were suspiciously clear of graffiti. Really this place would be the ideal hangout for a gang of delinquent youths after school is out for the day, a place where they could squat in circles, pretend to smoke (because actually smoking is bad for you), build model kits, practise Turf War skills and pretend to proper hard boy gangsters.

Radio was shaken from his musings of what regular kids might do when he stepped in enemy ink. Quickly jumping back and shaking his shoe off, he figured the place might not be as abandoned as he initially believed but then he took a closer look at the ink and he noticed a familiar and unwelcome oil spill/purple colour to it. Immediately suiting up into his Hero Suit, Agent 3 decided to take survey of the area from up high, so he inked up the side of a building and swam to the top and looked down from the rooftops. Initially he found nothing, so he just jumped to another roof and kept going until he found something interesting. 

And find something interesting he did, an entire company of Fuzzy Octolings! All at attention in parade formation, listening to another Fuzzy Octoling giving orders or something. The (presumably) Captain Octoling was wearing a headband with bear ears for some reason, perhaps to signify their importance. Agent 3’s plan was to disappear out of sight and call for backup, except he turned around and was face to face with her . As we all know plans never survive first contact with the enemy, so Radio instead yelped “ Fuck! ” in surprise and leapt backwards.

Off the building. 

“ From here we shall sweep through the city and- ” The Captain Octoling was explaining the battle plan when they were interrupted by a loud *CRASH* as an Inkling in a yellow jacket landed on a wooden crate and broke it. He laid on the floor in stunned silence before eventually uttering “Ow…” He looked up at the sign on the building and saw that it read:

‘ Carol the Crayfish’s Crate Co-op ’

“Course thass a place…” he groaned and dropped back to laying on the floor. The company of Octolings just kinda…stared at him, not really sure what to do with this boy or why he came from the sky. One of them managed to pull themselves together long enough to realise “ That’s Agent 3! ” and suddenly they were all pointing guns at him.

Agent 3 saw this and scrambled to his feet, moving just in time to be out of the way of the first volley of ink. He slid across the floor, painting ground in his colour as he went, before slipping into an alleyway and out of sight. Miraculously avoiding every shot fired at him. “ Spread out and find him! ” The headband Octoling ordered, “ He can’t be allowed to interfere! ” Meanwhile, Radio was catching his breath in another alleyway he snuck into after disappearing from sight through the first one. “ Damn, I was like Neo in ‘Splatrix’!” He excitedly whispered. Buddy suddenly dropped down next to him, “ Dude, that was sick! What do we do now? ” it squeaked. Radio tried to call the Captain using his headset, but clearly they were busy twiddling their thumbs because all he got was static on the other end. “ Never there when I need them… ” he grouched. 

An enemy suddenly approached, about to reveal his location, but Radio shot first. Unfortunately their cry of anguish upon being splatted alerted nearby Rival Octolings anyway. “Wish people din’t scream when I shot ‘em…” he sighed. Two more fuzzy foes arrived at the other end of the alley, so Agent 3 pushed the dumpster next to him in front to block them off before ducking behind it. He noticed a sign above the building that read:

‘ Desmond Dab’s Discount Dumpsters ’

“Woulda been helpful some odd years ago.” he muttered. One enemy leapt over the makeshift barrier but Radio shot them as they landed. He then grabbed hold of the dumpster again, and spun it around longways and ran forwards with it, catching the other enemy and three extras along the way and crushing them between it and a wall. The building had a sign above it’s door that read:

‘ Samuel Seafoam’s Silverware Supermarket ’

Radio climbed through the missing window and found a spoon which he handed to Buddy and gave it simple instructions “ Go, kill. ” the Smallfry gleefully accepted and scampered off, cackling to itself all the while. 

As fun as it was to splat Fuzzy Octolings left, right and centre, Agent 3 needed a strategy. This is one man and his fish VS an entire military company. “They’s organised…they was listenin’ to that one with the ears earlier…if I get them out the way, nobody will be giving orders and their coordination will collapse, then I can pick ‘em off one by one!” he strategised, “Now I just gotta find the boss lady…” He inked up a wall and climbed to higher ground again making sure to stay in swim form out of sight, even if it was slow and a bit awkward. 

The Octoling Captain was sat with the monitoring equipment, keeping an eye on all of the troops and keeping an ear on the radio to relay info. One thing that had them concerned was a number of video feeds suddenly showing the soldier falling to the ground before going dark, and they couldn’t figure out why. They kept a keen eye on all the camera feeds, until eventually they spotted it. A Smallfry was tripping the Octolings up before pummeling them until they were splatted. The Captain was about to report to all troops that the Salmon was Running, when Agent 3 landed on her desk, breaking the monitor, and grabbed the radio out of her hands and threw it over his shoulder. He levelled the Hero Shot at the Octoling Captain’s head but stopped when he heard a machine jumpstart to life behind him. The radio landed in a grinder, and was being destroyed. On the wall of the building it was in front of was a sign reading:

‘ Goliath Grouper’s Grinder Galleria ’

“Who even- Ugh, ne’rmind…” Agent 3 gave up questioning why and shot the Octoling in the head. Effectively shutting down all possibility of the hairy harassers organising, now it was just a matter of getting rid of all of them.

Having run about Splatting any Fuzzy Octoling in sight, Radio and Buddy regrouped. “ Cheapass cutlery… ” the Smallfry whined as it held up the spoon that was now bent out of shape. It was then that she made a reappearance, dropping down a short distance away from Agent 3. “Are you…holdin’ a vidya camera and a regular camera?” he asked her. Due to the language barrier, she didn’t answer him and just muttered to herself “ Yes…these’ll last much longer than my fleeting memories. Much better references for my muse… ” she then put the two cameras away and pulled out an Octoshot. Agent 3 got into a battle ready stance, “Ooo! Gonna fight this time?” he questioned. 

The Fuzzy Octoling charged, firing as she ran, and Radio started shooting as well. The both of them ducked, dodged, slipped, slid, rolled, ran, bobbed and weaved around each other in a violent dance of flying colours. “ She moves like you, Rad! ” Buddy cried, “ I noticed! ” he yelled back. This wasn’t working, so Agent 3 tried something else. The Fuzzy Octoling charged again, but she wasn’t expecting to get jabbed in the gut with a metal pole. Agent 3 swung at her and knocked the Octoshot out of her hands. He then began a combo: two hits to either side of the head, a jab between the eyes, a hit to the right arm and finished with a kick in the chest. The kick pushed her through a door, where she disappeared into the darkness of the building. Radio waited outside for them to come back out.

The Fuzzy Octoling lay on the floor, flushed, heaving deep shuddering breaths. “ My muse…so much more…skilled than I…first thought… He’s perfect! ” she gasped. “Almost feel bad jus’ callin’ her ‘Fuzzy Octoling’, wonder if she’s got a name?” Agent 3 wondered. His wondering was cut short when said Fuzzy Octoling jumped out from the dark of the building swinging a (slightly rusty) sword at him in a downward arc. “Whoa!” he yelped before blocking with his staff, locking the two in place. “Where’d-” he began, and then looked at the sign above the door he’d kicked her through, it read:

‘ Marvin the Marlin’s Machete Mart ’

“Marvin better hope I ain’t find ‘im!” Radio growled and pushed his opponent off of him. Judging by the way she stumbled backwards, it was clear to him she didn’t really know how to use a melee weapon. Further clashes only confirmed his suspicion. The Fuzzy Octoling was swinging wildly, as if she were using an Inkbrush or a Splatana, whereas Radio was more conservative with his movements. Only making small tilts of his arms to block attempted slashes and quick jabs to push her out of range. He was having fun and even tried out some fancy spin moves he based off of the red dude in ‘Fresh Fish I: The Haddock Menace’. He got bored not long after and swept her legs out from under her. The Fuzzy Octoling fell on her back and Radio quickly leapt on top of her, straddling her torso and pinning her to the floor.

“ Yes! You win, my muse! Do as you wish to me! ” she declared. He had know idea what she said, but dropped a Splat Bomb right next to her. “ Awww… ” she moaned in disappointment. The bomb exploded and her soul drifted off to go respawn, as she wept “ My muse! So cruel!~ ” With the last of the enemies dealt with, Radio stood up and decided, “ Let’s loot this place for all its valuables! ” which Smallfry eagerly agreed to.

“Agent 3? We got your call. What's happening?”

“Oh, now ya pick up?!”

“It’s 8 A.M why are you even awake so early?”

“It is? Musta misst night time.”

“Wh- How?! How do you ‘miss’ the sky going dark?!”

Chapter Text

Blueeye was relaxing, for real this time, inside his house watching pirated movies because he’s a huge cheapskate when Junker crashed through his door yelling “Check this out!” The man paused his illegal viewing of ‘Stuart Squittle 2’ to look at his unexpected guest. “This better be good.” He warned the boy as he turned to face him properly. The Salvager eagerly revealed his latest invention, a heavily modified Brella.

Blueeye wasn’t really impressed. “Wow, you took the Brella off of a Brella, such innovation…” he sarcastically drawled. “S’more than that!” Radio insisted. He then began to explain the process of creating this new weapon. “So, I found this broken Brella near Scorch Gorge. Shield’s in tatters N’ the inktank’s gashed open. So I removed ‘em! I reworked the ink firing mechanisms to work with these li’l pellets instead!” That caught Blueeye’s attention. “You built a shotgun?” he questioned. “Good name.” Junker replied, but the older gentleman corrected “No, no, those already exist and it’s what you made. They’re used by the military.” “Oh.” the boy deflated, but then realised “Hey, I’m in the military! Why ain’t I got one’a these?!” Blueeye gave an exaggerated shrug, “I dunno, because you’re, like, five?” “Fourteen!” Radio angrily corrected, before quietly adding “Prolly.” afterwards.

“Don’t point that at me!” Blueeye suddenly yelped. In his anger Radio had lifted the gun up and was gesturing with it. “Nothing in it.” the boy assured, but still pointed it upwards regardless. Just to make absolutely sure he pulled the trigger.

*BANG*  

“...OK, now’s empty…” he muttered. “You shot me fuckin’ light!” Blueeye angrily yelled. “Whoops…” was all Junker could say in response. The businessman took the homemade shotgun out of the child’s hands. “I’m keepin’ this as recompense!” he announced. The boy grumbled but didn’t protest, instead just deciding to leave. Blueeye sat back down once he left to keep watching the film, now a lot angrier than when he started.

Chapter Text

Deep in the Splatlands, hidden amongst the dunes, is the base of operations of The Thieves Gang. We join a group of them having a highly intelligent discussion:

“Man, mint chip ice cream tastes like toothpaste!”

“Well, whenever you get around to brushing your teeth you’ll realise that NO THE FUCK IT DOESN’T!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, strawberry ice cream is real!”

“Then how come we didn’t see any during the Splatfest?”

“I’m just saying, there’s nothing wrong with doing it vanilla every now and then.”

“You would think that, you flavourless harlot!”

“Are we still talking about ice cream?”

“Oh, that’s what you meant!”

These civilised exchanges were halted when Nein rocked up. “Are you all still talking about ice cream?” he questioned. A chorus of “No!” rang out through the room. The man nodded “Good. Training with Severn starts in five. Don’t need me to tell you to hurry up, you all know how he feels about tardiness.” With that warning all the grunts in the room stood up and made a run for it. Once the last ones had scrambled out the door, Nein muttered. “I hate ice cream, it makes me cold…” believing he was alone in the room. 

He wasn’t, as a voice in the rafters proclaimed “You’re always cold Mr. Nein!” looking up revealed Fore, sitting pretty with their Splatterscope without a care in the world. “Fore.” he acknowledged, “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for tonight?” they just waved his concern off, “Chill out, guy, I’m all prepared for the stakeout, just waiting for it to get dark.” Nein observed his fellow thief with a critical eye and told them “You know, Boss Levin still isn’t too happy with you. I’d tread a little more carefully than you are.” Fore hopped down from being in the ceiling, rolling their eyes behind their goggles and grumbling “You would, you heartless bastard…” They then immediately realised what they just said and clamped their mouth shut with both hands, not soon enough to escape an icy glare from Nein. 

“Go to your room.” 

“What?! But-”

“No buts! Unless it’s your butt getting the hell out of here!”

“You’re cold, Mr. Nein.”

“I know.”

Radio, Hanna and Bahn were getting ice cream, just like everyone else in Splatsville. It’s Summer, it’s a desert, ice cream is cold. It’s just a good business strategy. Unlike everyone else, who was either getting their frozen treats from one of the suddenly appearing pop up stalls or the big name brands you’ll find even at the ends of the earth, they were at a quaint little ice cream parlour, tucked away in a corner of the city. 

Bahn got a caramel swirl, Hanna got a rocky road and Radio got cookie dough, and they were all enjoying their choices. “This ice cream is great! How’d you find out about this place, Rad?” Hanna asked. Radio opened his mouth to answer, but Bahn interrupted him with a stern “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” so the boy swallowed his food and then answered, “Frye told me ‘bout it.” Which is not usually a normal thing to say. “It’s still so crazy how you’re just, like, friends with the biggest celebrities in the city!” Hanna exclaimed. Bahn chuckled at that. “Friends, enemies, sworn rivals, found family. Same difference.”

“ What heinous deeds have I done to warrant such cruel and unusual torture?! ” Little Buddy cried out from where Radio held it in a firm grasp. “ Don’t you remember what happened the last time you had ice cream? ” Radio questioned it. “ ...Nooooo…? ” it warily warbled. “ Exactly. You were incapacitated for three days! ” He told it. “ Damn. ”

The_Emerging_Evil > SO! How was Splatfest?

ScreamingForACreaming.MP4 < The_Burning_Fire

The_Awakening_Technology > Never name your video files again

The_Decaying_Life > Dude, that’s gross!

Chapter Text

At the behest of…several people, I have seen a doctor and a therapist. They believe that my…issues…stem from negative experiences in my life and they want the Autobiography of Luke, AKA Agent 4, AKA Kaboom to be able to understand and help me.

Where do I even begin? The beginning, probably.

I was born July 21st 2003 to two parents who didn’t love each other as much as they thought, so they got a divorce. I don’t know the details, I was a baby after all, I just know my biological mother got custody and decided she didn’t want to be a parent, so she got rid of me. I wish I was joking about that.

I grew up in an orphanage in the middle of Fuck Off, Nowhere about 40 minutes from Inkopolis. I was not the most well behaved child, I’d pull pranks, start fights and eventually sneak out on several occasions. I had a couple friends who helped rein me in before I did anything too terrible. Doug and Mary (We’ll get to them later). But, as tends to happen at orphanages, they were adopted and I was left on my own. That was when I started to cause real trouble. It got to the point where they wouldn’t even let me leave my room, so I snuck out and started causing trouble in the neighbourhood. This lasted until I was 8, when the Neighborhood Watch caught me. This was when I received the most important advice of my life, “Don’t ever walk to the train tracks alone at night, steer clear of any cake thrown at you, and never play party games with girls.” That old man was wiser than I knew.

Of course, I ignored that advice and when I was 13 I ate so much cake I lost my sense of taste and later on nearly got hit by a train. I have not tested the party games with girls, and I don’t plan to change that fact. 

On my 14th birthday I gained the ability all Inklings desire, the ability to change forms. To celebrate I started a massive street brawl. Shit was wild, dude! Windows were smashed, beaks were broken, pavements were cracked and I got stabbed! Then the police showed up. Once the whole thing was dealt with, the orphanage decided they were done with my shit and I was shipped off to the big city under probation. Guess it’s better than Juvenile Hall.

I was moved in with my probation officer, Mr. Warn, who I would later learn is Captain Agent 3’s dad. He and his family were… fine. Just felt like I was intruding, y’know? Dinner time was extremely awkward. Didn’t help that Mrs. Warn was so worried about their eldest daughter not contacting them for so long. That’s 8 and the Cap’s story, though.

Couple of weeks later I was allowed to go out into Inkopolis on my own. This is when I learned that city slickers are all spineless cowards. Or my face is the scariest thing on earth (which is bullshit) because I made a child cry by looking at them and everyone flinched when I walked past. I headed to the Galleria to get some clothes after that. The important part is I got glasses, Tinted Shades and White Arrowbands, to hide my eyes since everyone refused to make eye contact with me. Doesn’t fix my abrasive personality and voice but at least people will look at me. 

Oh, also High School. That was…a thing. Being the ‘New Kid’ meant I was immediately ostracised by all except for two people. Douglas May, my old friend who somehow recognised me despite having not seen me for about a decade, and Lucy Ramoan, the ‘Popular Girl’. Besides them… I mean, I talked to a few people, and the bullies all quickly learned not to fuck with me after I kicked arse in a dodgeball game.

So yeah, I was ‘livin’ the Inkopolife’ as they say (It’s not nearly as great as they say it is) for a few months. Met some other people, David Gulliver Morris V (Or just Davey) and Dugol Smithe, whose Turf War team I ended up joining. Davey was some posh nerd and Dugol was that one guy who’s chill with everything but flirts outrageously with the waitress. And Mary Amando, my other old friend from ‘home’. They were all friends with Mr. Warn’s daughter (the Captain, in case you forgot) and they were all equally worried about her.

One day during summer break, me and the boys were cocking about after a big tournament win when I saw this lady standing over a manhole with a parasol just looking at me. Having not learned my lesson about going places I shouldn’t, I investigated this later that day. She was still there but when I approached she fled down the manhole. I followed her because I am highly intelligent (seriously 14/15 year old me, what were fuck you thinking?) 

On the other side of the manhole she introduced herself as Marie of The Squid Sisters, who I had never heard of before then. Then I was inducted into the New Squidbeak Splatoon and was told to go save the world (paraphrasing, obviously). I’m sure you all know this story so I’ll just talk about the important bits.

After I cleared Sector 1 I had to sprint back to Officer Warn’s place because it was almost curfew. All that time spent running from the Neighbourhood Watch as a kid really helped out. I jumped over a limo at one point which belonged to Off the Hook (important later).

Things go as you’d expect, kick ass, take names, save zapfish and shoot bitches. Then we get to the big bad himself, DJ Octavio Feat. Callie, the other Squid Sister. My memory of the fight is kinda hazy, just…green, purple, gold, shouting, bombs, Charger, Rainmaker, slam dunk, explosions. Luckily there were plenty of rematches so I don’t feel like I’m missing much. 

Next day I came back and there’s more people. Off the Hook, some old dude, a girl and an Octoling. Marie introduces me as Agent 4. The old man was Craig Cuttlefish, then Cap’n, who was very pleased to meet me. The girl was Captain, then Agent 3, who completely brushed me off AND left me hanging. Needless to say we don’t get along too well. The Octoling was Agent 8 who took one look at me and screamed. And I mean screamed. It was an ear splitting cry of genuine terror. 

Great first impression. Apparently my face really is that scary. I’m assuming you all know what 8’s been through, so it’s doubly impressive I got that strong a reaction. It really put things into perspective, and it was the day I decided to try and be a better person. Key word is try, the jury's still out on how that's going. Also, going back to Officer Warn’s place was super awkward for me and 3, or Alexandra Warn as I found out. 

Over what was left of the summer nothing much happened, I mainly got saddled with showing 8 around Inkopolis where she would ask me extremely random questions and slowly learn that I’m not as terrifying as I look. School starts back up and 8, or Olivia Ida, is now a part of it.

That's about where things stop being so interesting for a while. Doing school life, doing Agent stuff, playing turf, accidentally setting fire to a car wash, trying to explain how you’re friends with the four biggest celebs of Inkopolis, non-consensual heart surgery, getting a job,  getting my own apartment, and some other High School collapsing in an earthquake. Normal teenager stuff. 

It’s not until Final Fest that things get bad again. Day of the announcement, I have a nightmare of all the horrible, fucked up shit that’s ever happened to me all at once. Even the things I thought weren’t bothering me, like the whole ‘family’ thing or being stabbed. Made me realise “I’m not dealing with this stuff as well as I thought I was.” I didn’t tell anyone about this at the time because I was a 16 year old boy and thus not allowed to talk about my feelings for fear of being made fun of. 

Things only got worse from there. People start having falling outs over the ‘Chaos vs Order’ thing. 3’s being extra bitchy, 8’s worried Pearl and Marina are gonna break up, the Turf War team splits. It was a mess. Afterwards things smoothed over fairly well but… I blame myself for all the arguing and fighting that happened. If I just did more, did something , other than watch and worry. Ugh, whatever. Everyone already says it wasn’t my fault but I can’t help but beat myself up over it. One good thing came out of all of it, I guess, me and Lucy started dating. 

Life is simple after that. Years go by, I’m freed from probation, me and the boys start a band, 3 gets promoted to Captain, Alex and Dugol finally get together after dancing around each other for longer than I’ve known them, I finally get around to telling the Splatoon my actual name (Yes, I didn’t tell them my name for 2 years). Life is actually OK for once.

Then my ‘family’ shows up. I’m 18 years old, Torn Tentacles finally make it big. My biological mother decides, now that I’m famous, that she wants to be involved in my life. I told her to fuck off, if she wanted to be my mum she had her chance 18 years ago. She tries some legal bullshit about “Someone’s keeping my child from me!” but because I’m 18 and thus legally an adult, she has no sway over me anymore. I warned her to never show her face near me again. 

More recently, my biological father showed up. First thing he does is apologise for everything that’s happened and not being able to be there for me. I…don’t know how I feel about him, honestly. He has asked for a chance to meet up but I’m not sure…we are still on tour so I doubt I’d be able to do it right now even if I wanted to. I’m just not sure if I should give him the chance, what if he’s lying? About any part of it? Wanting to be there for me or being sorry or being my dad in the first place?

Even more recently I found out what Grizzco was actually doing with the Golden Eggs they collected. The New Agent 3 discovered Mr. Grizz was an actual mammalian bear using the eggs to create ‘Fuzzy Ooze’ in an attempt to bring mammals back to life. Meaning I contributed to a plot to wipe out marine life. I’m fucking furious and ashamed of myself for-

GOD I’M SUCH A FUCKING MORON!

Never working another Grizzco shift ever again.

Anyway, that’s my life story as of right now, let me know if I need to elaborate on some stuff.

How did you sneak out?

I climbed out the window and down the side of the building.

How did you set a car wash on fire?

Blame Dugol, he insisted his convertible would be fine. It wasn’t. We ran away, of course.

NON-CONSENSUAL HEART SURGERY??????

“I have attached these devices to your hearts, they use the same technology from Spawn Points, allowing you to respawn instantly whenever your hearts explode or are otherwise damaged. They’ll also act as pacemakers should you experience cardiac arrest.” - a direct quote from Davey. 

He put some things on my hearts that let me not have to go to a spawn point when I explode from being too angry. Also works in Turf War, we accidentally learned.

Which school collapsed?

Not my one is all I can tell ya. I don’t know what the other one was called but I know Cap 3 and her friends all went to it. All the students were enrolled at our High School as an emergency thing. All the staff moved over too.

How do you feel about your fellow agents?

8’s a great friend and I’m glad I met her, even if it was a little awkward at first.

As much as we say we can’t stand each other, Cap 3 is a good friend too.

Haven’t met him in person yet, but New 3 seems like a good kid.

Callie please stop putting on those stupid brainwashing sunglasses, you dumb bitch. (jk she’s cool)

Marie’s like the older sister I never had. Is a little weird she knows so much about me, though.

Cuttlefish is the 2nd wisest old person I’ve ever met.

Sometimes I think about what I went through as an Agent. Then I think about what the others went through. Alex went through everything I did, plus whatever went on on her end in the Deep Sea, plus got brainwashed and is now Captain. Olivia left everything she knew behind for a song, lost her memories, was forced to be a test subject in some fucked up experiment, was nearly blended alive, and stopped a genocidal human AI from destroying Inkopolis whilst wearing high heels. New kid launched himself into space and saved the goddamn world! 

They’re all stronger than ever after their ordeals. Better people, better positions. Better lives! And here I am, having gone through less than them and about 2 metres from where I started. Still just as much of a prick as I used to be and still running away from my problems. 

Bet that therapist is gonna love this…

Chapter Text

It’s another blazing hot day in the Splatlands, perfect weather for scouring the desert looking for scrap with your best friend. That’s what Radio and his Smallfry companion intended to do until Deep Cut showed up. Frye picked up the Smallfry, announced “We’re borrowing the li’l guy!” and ran off with it before the boy could object. Shiver chuckled to herself, “A Smallfry to go with my large Frye.” and sauntered off after her. Big Man gave an awkward “Ay…(Sorry…)” and shuffled away as well. Radio smacked his lips and decided “Whelp…change’a plans!” Since the desert was no longer an option, Turf Wars it is! 

Seeing as he lives pretty much right next to the Lobby (well, the backside of the Lobby anyway) you’d think getting to it wouldn’t be difficult. Normally it’s not, but today Radio found his progress impeded by someone picking him up in a hug from behind. “Rad! I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen each other!” the hugger cheered. “Hi, Conditions…” Radio choked out, squirming in the air in an attempt to escape the hug. Conditions dropped him suddenly with a gasp, “Sorry, no time to talk! I gotta meet with the others!” The Octoling began to run off but doubled back just as Radio stopped stumbling and righted himself. They grabbed his hand, said “Actually, you can come with me!” and dragged him with them, ignoring the boy’s outcry.

After Conditions pulled him halfway across the city they suddenly let go of his hand and ran forwards, giving Radio a chance to reacquaint himself with standing still. Only for Apply to approach him, “Radio, have you seen Conditions? He won’t admit it, but Terms is worried about ‘em.” Radio turned to point at where Conditions had gone only to find the Octoling had disappeared, “Huh…Theys’s right there, howzatt happen?” Terms then stomped over, looking more grumpy than usual, “You lost them?!” he growled and the two boys glared at each other, but before their rumble could begin they heard a cry for help and turned to see Conditions being swept away by a crowd. Terms was already moving to follow them, Apply going as well shortly afterwards. Radio had a decision to make: leave now, because he didn’t even want to be here, or follow them and make sure Conditions is OK. He eventually decided to follow them because, despite his grumblings, Conditions is a friend and the boy’s getting soft. Also because he can absolutely use the fact Terms was the first to notice what was happening to tease the man. “Guy’s such a softie, jus’ too stubborn to a’mit it!” With that, Radio trudged off after them too.

Conditions was eventually pulled out of the crowd, but not by one of them. The stranger pulled them into an alleyway and blocked the exit. “Awright, hand over the cheddar, see?” the mugger requested. Conditions blinked at them and asked, “You want…cheese?” Now it was the mugger’s turn to be confused, “Wha-? N-no! Money! I want ya’ money, see?” Conditions nodded in understanding “Oooooohhhh! That makes more sense.” They then had an epiphany, “Wait, am I being robbed?!” Before things could go any further, Terms arrived on the scene and yelled “HEY! Leave that little guy alone!” and started getting up in the mugger’s business, pushing them past Conditions and deeper into the alleyway. Apply grabbed their arm and dragged the Octoling out into the street again. “¿Estás bien? ¿Estás herido?” She asked them. Conditions blankly told her “Apply I don’t speak that language.” Meanwhile, back in the alleyway, the mugger was beginning to push back, “Man, fuck is you gonna do if I don’t?” 

Terms snapped into a T-pose and began sliding forward forcing the crook to cower in fear.  

Wait, no that didn’t happen, hold on a sec…

At that point Radio arrived and saw Terms about to throw down with this thug, but Radio recognised them. This wasn’t some petty criminal trying their luck, no they were a member of The Thieves Gang. Nobody super important, he doesn’t think, but memorable for their speech pattern. They’re probably the one who brings mafia movies to Thieves Gang Movie Night, like ‘The Codfather’ or ‘Salmerican Gangster’. Assuming that’s a thing. Regardless, if this keeps going the way it’s going, Terms is going to get murdered. Radio probably wouldn’t miss the guy, but he doesn’t want The Thieves Gang to get the better of him. So, much like in that heavily debated cantina scene in ‘Fresh Fish IV: A New Soap’, Radio shot first.

Shot the Thief, that is, not Terms. They had the same ink colour, it wouldn’t have worked. “Welcome.” Radio stated as the three of them turned to see where the shot came from. “I had that handled.” Terms claimed. “I ‘andled it faster.” Radio shot back. “Oi, be nice you two.” Apply chided. The two of them, reluctantly, backed off from each other. “So, anyway, what were we doing, again?” Conditions asked, seemingly moving on from, and completely unaffected by the near robbery.

Radio ended up joining them in Turf Wars for the rest of the day. Although he wasn’t over being dragged halfway across the city when they were right outside the Lobby to start with.

Chapter Text

“Well, here we are kid, Wahoo World!” Bahn announced as they both stepped out of the car, “A place where dreams come true. Apparently.” Radio wasn’t listening to him, he was too busy looking up in awe at the tall rides. Bahn eventually had to shake him out of his wonder and told him “C’mon, let’s get in line.”

As the pair waited in line to enter, Fresh Fish made an appearance. To the joy of many and the terror of just as many. He was giving out balloons to the younger members of the queue. Eventually the park mascot approached Radio due to his lacking verticality. “Want a balloon, Kiddo?” the actor inside asked with a comical accent. Radio’s hand shot out and snatched a balloon quickly, he gave a quick “Thanks.” to get Fresh Fish to leave so he could stare at and contemplate this balloon situation. Bahn didn’t notice. 

Soon enough, they ended up in the theme park itself and, to the knowledge of no one at the time, all hell was about to break loose! It all started with an innocent bet, “How many balloons d’ya rek’n I can get before someone notices?” Radio asked Bahn. “Ten at most, no way someone doesn’t notice.” the Octoling responded. 

“Bet?”

“Bet.”

They shook hands and the deal was sealed. Because Bahn isn’t the most responsible adult in the world, he let Radio go off on his own ( BIG MISTAKE ) only, he wasn’t alone, he’d smuggled a certain Smallfry in as well. And so, The Great Balloon Heist of Wahoo World began. 

The first 10 or 15 were easy, it’s not too hard to hide that many balloons. Once they got around the 20-25 mark, Radio resorted to having Buddy hold them all while he nabbed more while the balloon guys weren’t looking. Turns out, massive cartoon character gloves make it very hard to tell when something isn’t in your hand. Eventually they hit 37 balloons, too many for Buddy to hold without floating away. Unfortunately, the boy didn’t notice right away and had to do some risky freerunning to make sure he didn’t lose his best friend in the upper atmosphere. After climbing to the roof of the gift shop he made a running jump and grabbed the balloons. Now, if this were a cartoon they’d then enter a sequence where they get blown around by the wind, nearly get hit by a rollercoaster and land in a pond. However, since it’s not a cartoon they just fell straight down instead, landing with a great *THUD* 

“Ta-da!” A stage magician in a wizard costume announced, not expecting someone to drop out of the sky where they were performing, but rolling with punches as they come like any good performer. Radio wasn’t expecting to either, and, in a panic from the wizard’s ‘threat’ning magic words’, punched the performer in the face and ran.

Straight into a security guard. Who promptly took him back out to the main entrance. Weirdly, they let him keep the balloons. 

Meanwhile, Bahn had somehow gotten lost and wandered into an employee only area without anyone noticing. He had ended up behind the Ferris wheel and found the engine that kept the gears turning. “Wow, this thing is old!” He exclaimed, “That’s gotta be a safety hazard…” Deciding that the best way to solve this issue was to ‘send a message’ he pulled out a couple tools and set to work. Bahn may have been a pilot, not an engineer, but he still knew his way around an engine. 

After fiddling with it for a few minutes, he had it rigged up for what he wanted to do and was merely waiting for nobody to be on the ride before he let it loose. Once every passenger had disembarked, Bahn reconnected the last two wires and sped the Ferris wheel up a little (read: a lot). He began to sneak away. 

And walked directly into a security guard who hauled him off out of the park.

With the troublemakers united, they were told to never come back. The two boys sulked off, pretending to be sad, but once they were out of earshot they couldn’t hold it back any longer, and they laughed their heads off. “That was fun! Shame we can’t go back again.” Bahn chuckled. “Whenzatt ever stopped us from doin’ summit?” Radio questioned. 

They headed back to the car and drove home, forgetting their previous bet.  

Chapter Text

Shiver’s feeling pretty great right now, Four Splatfest wins in a row, a fifth one practically in the bag already, she’s practically on top of the world! 

That’s a problem for everyone else. With an ego swollen through the roof, they’re insufferable and unhelpful. So Frye and Big Man have recruited the best help for fixing inflated prides they know. Smallfry, who just so happens to come with Radio as a bonus. 

“So there’s the sitch, wanna help us?” Frye asked. “Ay! (Please, I can’t take being used as coffee holder again!)” Big Man begged alongside her. The Salmonid looked to its companion and asked “ Any ideas? ” Radio confirmed “ Yeah, I got a few. ” Wasting no more time, they jumped right into action.

“Big Man, here’s bucket. Get some sand!” 

“Ay! (OK!)”

“Frye, find us some sharp stuff!”

“Wha-? OK, sure?”

“Buddy, we got stuff to grab!”

Everyone met back up, Big Man with a bucket full of sand, Frye with a couple of knives, Radio with a bag of flour, various unlabelled boxes and a fog machine and Smallfry with several spools of string. “Keep Shiver busy N’ leave the rest to us!” the boy told them, before taking the supplies from the two idols and heading into their studio. 

Speak of the devil and they shall appear because Shiver rocked up, strutting her stuff, not long after Radio disappeared. “So, we’ve got an ad to record for, ready to go?” She asked. “Oh, shoot! I forgot about that!” Frye yelped. Shiver patted her on the head (despite being shorter) to console her, “We can’t all be perfect.” she then held out a coffee cup towards Big Man, “Hold this for me.” the Manta Ray grumbled but complied. Shiver cat-walked off afterwards and he followed. Frye disappointedly followed as well, sighing “That is not the Shiver I fell for…”

First up on the agenda was to booby trap the door to Shiver’s dressing room. With the two knives Frye provided, They managed to stick the bag of flour to the ceiling in such a way that when the door is inevitably swung open due to Shiver’s over the top behaviour right now the bag will rip and dump flour all over her. It was precariously done, but once the door was fully closed and the crew and staff were warned, it was on to the second part. 

Several tripwires were set up throughout the hallways at varying heights. Thin enough to not be visible to someone, the only way to avoid them is to know where they are, which Radio does of course. He then decided to just tell the crew and staff to just wait in the break area for safety. Lastly was the fog machine. A new invention of Radio’s that can fill an entire room full of smoke in seconds. Assuming it works. Set up in the vents in case Shiver takes the pranks a little too personally. 

“ Now, we wait… ”

Deep Cut returned to their studio an hour later. Shiver still full of herself, and the other two completely done with it. The Octoling flung her dressing room door open which was accompanied by a harsh *RIIIIIIIP* as a cloud of white puffed into the air and a bag of flour was dumped on her. Waving the powder away with her fan Shiver coughed out “What the hell was that!” Big Man and Frye just shrugged, after all, they only helped with the supplies, they don’t know what Radio did with all of them. Speaking of Radio, his laughter could be heard from the end of the hallway. With a deep-seated hatred in her eye(s) Shiver ran for the boy.

Straight into a waist height tripwire. Sand was then dumped on her, followed by the bucket it was contained in. They stumbled forwards into a second tripwire which tied her up and dangled her in the air. 

Seeing Shiver covered in flour and sand, with a bucket on her head, strung from the ceiling like a fly in a web, Radio realised “ Maybe we didn’t need all the extra traps. ” as he approached the dejected-looking idol, deactivating the tripwires as he went, setting off the several lethal looking traps (one of the straight up dropped a guillotine!) Frye and Big Man also walked up to their trapped friend. Shiver began to apologise “I have seen the error of my ways, and I am sorry for being such a…” “Bitch?” Frye supplied. She nodded in shame, “I won’t do it again, forgive me?” “Ay! Ay, ay! (Awwww! I can’t stay mad at you, we forgive you!)” Big Man replied. Frye interjected, “Speak for yourself, Shiv’s doing the dishes for the next four months!” Shiver pouted, but accepted the punishment. Radio then walked past them.

“How’d you set all that up in less than an hour?”

“Don’ worry ‘bout it.”

“Ay? (Where did the fog machine come in?)”

“Don’ worry ‘bout it.”

“Stop saying don’t worry about it, you’re making me worry about it!”

“Hehehehehehehehehehe…”

“That doesn’t help!”

Chapter Text

Bahn and Hanna were on their way to another meetup with Radio for lunch as they often do, being friends and such. The place they were going was a little further from Anarchy Avenue than was sensible to walk, so Bahn was driving there with Hanna while Radio simply said he’d meet them there and ran off without explaining himself. Business as usual, really. “Uh…who’s turn was it to pay again?” Hanna asked on the drive over while nervously looking between Bahn and her wallet. “Radio. Why?” Bahn quickly answered. She breathed a sigh of relief and told him “I might be a little strapped for cash right now.” 

Once the car was parked the two of them made their way to a place called ‘Turmoil Tavern’. “Your family were really on it for your place to be called ‘Anarchy Eatery’, huh?” Bahn chuckled. “Oh, you have no idea…” Hanna responded, sounding a little tired. Just then Radio appeared, eating an apple. “Where’d you get that apple, Rad?” Hanna asked him. “Dun worry ‘bout it.” he simply responded, still munching on the fruit. The girl suddenly gasped, “You didn’t steal it, did you?!” Offended, the boy crossed his arms and told her “No!” and took another bite. Bahn, being the adult and knowing Radio, firmly ordered “Tell me you didn’t take that out of a trash can.” Radio said nothing, refusing to make eye contact. All the answer the Octoling needed to pinch the bridge of his nose and give a disappointed sigh. Hanna quickly caught on and exclaimed “EWW, gross!” Radio immediately shot back “You’re gross!” like a petulant child.

The two kids went back and forth about whether eating stuff out of the bins is gross or not, while Bahn watched in vague amusement until he was dragged into the argument by Hanna. “Are you not at all concerned by this?!” Radio defended himself with a simple “Kid’s gotta eat!” which made Bahn realise something. “Did I forget to tell you Radio was homeless?” he asked the girl. She froze, slowly processing this new information. “Judging by your reaction, I guess I didn’t.” Bahn deduced, adding a short “Oops.” onto the end. “This…explains…so much…” Hanna muttered before turning to Radio and yelling, “Why didn’t YOU tell me?!” baffled, he just told her “Cuz ‘by the way, I’m homeless’ ain’t summit that comes up in casual conversation!” Hanna was about to make a retort but was cut off by something growling. The two kids turned to Bahn, who was sheepishly holding his stomach, “While watching you two argue brings me no end of entertainment, can we get lunch first?” he requested.

Once they’d all eaten and had time to calm down, there was a definite change in the tone of the discussion. “I’m sorry, Rad.” Hanna apologised. “For wha’?” the boy questioned, not understanding why he was being apologised to. Hanna grabbed him in a hug and cried “For everything!” Not being used to hugs, he just went rigid and didn’t move until she let him go, although he still looked a little uncomfortable. “Note to self: remember to mention living conditions when trying to introduce people.” Bahn spoke to his phone to add a reminder. “You OK, kid?” he then asked Radio. “Sorry. Not used to bein’ hugged.” he admitted. Hanna grabbed him another, even tighter, hug and declared “Then from now on I’ll hug you whenever you need me to!” “‘preciate it, but not neccesry.” he choked out.

Bahn reminded him, “You’re still paying the bill.” 

“Yeah yeah…”

Chapter Text

"Well, this is certainly something…" Bahn commented. The sky had once again turned an ominous red and Grizzco were on top of things with yet another Big Run. "What a way to kick off the new season!" Hanna proclaimed, ever the optimist. Hanna and Bahn were headed to the Grizzco office in Splatsville to help push back the invading horde, Radio saying he'd meet them there after dropping Buddy off somewhere safe. 

Indeed Radio was waiting outside, with a special guest. "Lady, Gentleman." He greeted. Bahn replied questioningly, "Redeye?" The businessman bowed, "Indeed, indeed. SO! Who's ready to kick some arse?" Hanna and Radio were both ready to roll, but Bahn wasn't convinced. "You've got a vested interest here, what is it?" He accused Redeye, who simply answered, "Well I like history, and I'd hate for it to be destroyed. If some priceless historical artefacts go missing…snitches get stitches."

Wave 1 - High Tide

Bahn was equipped with a Classic Squiffer. "I can work with this." 

Hanna was given the Dread Wringer. "Ooo! New weapon." 

Redeye was equipped with the Heavy Edit Splatling. "Hello, beautiful."

And Radio was rolling around at the speed of sound given the Grizzco Dualies. 

As Radio rolled past everyone, laughing like a maniac, Mr. Grizz chimed in "I'm not going to sugarcoat it—there are Salmonids everywhere. Just stay focused on the task at hand, and you'll get through. I hope you had your coffee…" "I didn't know they were providing free coffee!" Redeye exclaimed. "Well, I wouldn't say free…" Hanna told him. "And I wouldn't say coffee." Bahn similarly cautioned as the first Salmonids emerged. 

The wave mostly consisted of Redeye unleashing a hail of ink from above, whilst Bahn provided precision shots, Hanna would collect eggs and Radio dealt with Lesser Salmonids as a byproduct of his rolling. "What is going on with Rad today?" Hanna asked. "Well, I may have bought him an energy drink, and he may have chugged the whole thing, and I don't think he's eaten today yet so his blood might just be 100% caffeine?" Redeye shrugged. Bahn just sighed, "This is why they ask for ID when buying energy drinks… Let's just hope the crash happens when we aren't being attacked." 

Really, that's how the whole run went. Radio somehow ending up with the Grizzco Dualies and rolling in a caffeine inducing haze of insanity, Bahn killing like the trained assassin he isn't because he was a pilot, Redeye sweet talking his weapons and shooting everything that moves and Hanna collecting eggs. Once Wave 3 was completed, they were ready to leave, but somebody wouldn't let them.

A hulking behemoth emerged from the water and with an echoing roar, the titanic monarch bellowed "DADDY'S HOME, BITCHES!" 

"Oh, good, Cohozuna." 

"Uh…what did it say?"

"Something about planned parenthood? What, Radio's a terrible teacher my Salmonid is awful!" 

"I'MMA DROP ON THESE SHITHEADS LIKE A FUCKING PIANO!" Cohozuna declared and leapt into the air. Unfortunately the three coherent members of the crew were too confused by why a king would be talking about planned parenthood to notice that said king was about to crush them. So they all got crushed. "Guess Rad's our only hope now." Hanna fretted, worried about her friend.

Said only hope was currently face down on the floor, experiencing an energy crash.

"Oh for-"

THAT'S A WRAP

"That must've been terrifying... If you're going to have nightmares, policy requires that you do it off the clock." 

On the helicopter ride back, Radio slept like a log. And Bahn had to drag him out of the chopper because he was properly out for the count.

 What none of them were expecting was to immediately be greeted by Deep Cut upon leaving Grizzco. "OHMYGOSH! Deep Cut, hi!" Hanna squealed, still not used to the fact her friend is friends with celebrities. "Is this a common occurrence?" Redye asked. Bahn couldn't answer because Frye had taken Radio from him, shaking and yelling at the boy, "Wake up! This is important!" Radio did not stir beyond sleepy mumbles. "Ay! (Wow, he's really out!)" Big Man exclaimed. "What did you do to him?!" Shiver demanded. "Chill lady! What's so important it can't wait until tomorrow to be asked?" Redeye defended. 

Buddy suddenly chirped in an odd pattern, and when it finished Radio shot up, Stringer in hand, ready to fight. "Wha happun?" He asked after seeing no immediate danger. "We all died." Hanna told him. He paused and looked around before saying "Hell looks lot more like Splatsville than I 'xpected." Bahn flinched, "Why'd you immediately assume we're in hell?" He asked "where else are we goin'?" The boy asked back. Redeye just muttered "Teenagers really are the leading cause of depression." 

Ignoring Radio's pessimism, Deep Cut, in unison, asked "Who did you vote for!?" 

"It was me, right? Heh, The Dancing Gangster always comes out on top!"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm obviously his favourite!"

"Ay! (We all know I'm his best friend!)"

"None of ya. Yer all terrible leaders." Radio answered and walked off to go do…Radio things.

"Oh he thinks this is over…"

"No one slights a Hohojiro and gets away with it." 

Chapter Text

The name’s Radio Situation. commonly referred to as ‘Rad’. Also known as ‘Junker’. Codename ‘Agent 3’.

There’s also ‘The True Follower of Saint Tony, Patron Saint of Breaking Legs’. Usually referred to as ‘Little Buddy’. Also known as Smallfry. Codename…I don’t think we gave it one.

My story is its story. For the most part. Maybe its story is moreso my story? Bleh, whatever, here’s the story!

My first memories are seeing my buddy, Buddy, looking over me. It found me in a basket floating down the river that goes through Splatsville while it was being chased by two people, one of whom we’re, like, 80% sure was Bahn. This would mean I’m prolly somewhere between 7 and 12, not 14 like everyone thinks, but what they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em so who cares?

I don’t know who my birth parents are. Don’t think I ever will. Not that I really care. Even if I did or have met them, it’s not like I’d realise it. Unless there’s, like, a thing where people just know they’re in the presence of family? Nah, prolly not. I would like to know the reason they threw me down a river. Did they not want me? Were they trying to protect me? Did someone tell them to do it? Was it just for a laugh? I could speculate for hours. I HAVE speculated for hours. A question I’ll prolly never know the answer to.

For a long, LONG, time it was just me N’ Buddy in a cave out in the Splatlands. That cave is now my secret base (Well the main part of it at least) and is a very convenient place to go when you need to avoid people. I don’t remember much of my early life, mainly cuz there ain’t much to remember. It was just Smallfry N’ I surviving. 

First real big thing that happened in my life was finding the Black Market for the first time. All them hardened criminals were prolly super confused seeing a small child and an even smaller Salmonid wandering around. It was also when I met Blueeye/Redeye the first time. I don’t actually know what he said to me on that “Fateful meeting” as he calls it, I just know I introduced myself as Junker apparently.

Yep, ‘Junker’ has been my name longer than ‘Radio Situation’. Wish it wasn’t, though. Let’s be real: ‘Junker’ is kinda a crap name, like, I’ve come up with way better ones now! Far too late to change it, whole of the criminal underworld knows me as Junker N’ I don’t think a rebrand will go down easy. I know what you’re thinking: “How does the entirety of all criminals know who you are?” Well, see I kinda, sorta, accidentally spurned the hand of friendship of a Mafia-type group due to not understanding what they said N’ then, apparently, successfully defended against their goons for a whole day, giving me a claim to the Turf and… OK, I don’t recall exactly what I was told afterwards 

Basically: unwittingly said “No” to the Mafia, unknowingly beat them in a battle and am now a big deal. Wasn’t part of the plan, I just wanted what was mine to be mine, Y’know? Granted, it was the Thieves Gang. They’re a bunch of trigger-happy murderists sharing a single brain cell, usually held by one of three people, so I woulda said no anyway. And I will keep saying no to them, purely out of principle.

I set rules for myself. Never wrote ‘em before, so might as well do it now!

Salvager’s rulebook (Or summit, I dunno)

1. Don’t steal unless it’s absolutely necessary (or really easy)
2. Don’t hold grudges unless they’re already holding one against you.
3. Help people lost in the desert, even if they don’t want it.
4. Repay your debts, it’s better than owing favours.
5. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies at favourable range.
6. Never feel guilty about surviving, no matter what it is you need to do.
7. Sometimes you just gotta take the money and run.
8. Only one other person should be trusted with a secret.
9. Good deeds pay well, but so do bad ones.
10. Abuse the generosity of those dumb enough to give it.
11. Food is food.
12. If you can do something, insist on being paid for it.
13. Always carry the essentials, offload everything else as soon as you can.
14. If you don’t NEED something, it can probably be sold.
15. It’s usually easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

I did eventually manage to make my way into Splatsville and set summit up there, a dumpster. A place to sleep is better than no place to sleep. Staying in my secret base permanently was an option, but not ideal. Livin’ out there, all alone, no contact with anyone… It’d drive someone mad. I see’d movies. Besides, city slickers ain’t know nothin’ about me! All they see is a small kid on their own and think “I gotta protect this child” and then I just refer to rule 10. Usually their generosity was food or spare change, occasionally some (useless) well wishes. Course, there are those sick twisted sort that see a small kid on their own and think “I’m gonna have that.” Buddy always had my back in those situations, and if afterwards all the money in their wallet ‘coincidentally’ fell out or some jewellery ‘accidentally’ came undone? Well, we call it hazard pay.

So, one day, I’m running through the streets without Smallfry and I run into a dude. Octoling with blue eyes, blue glasses and a pilot jacket. He crouches down to my level and I freak out and slap ‘im, but he’s completely unphased and then he tries to lead me somewhere but I don’t fully understand what he’s saying so I start thrashing about, but nobody on the street seems to be worried about it and I get tired and figure it’s probably fine and let him take me to wherever he’s trying to take me. It was some lost and found place or summit. I stayed there for a whole 5 hours, ate all their food in the night and dipped out the closest window to go find Buddy. Never went back there.

Yeah, that’s how I met Bahn.

Few days after that is when the next real big thing in my life happens. I wake up and realise I have hands. Like, proper hands with fingers and that ‘stead of gloopy nubs. That opened a whole world o’ possibilities. Fortunately my clothes still fit me, despite their threadbare condition and my sudden change in size. It was then that I also was able to talk (somewhat) properly.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, my speech patterns are…unique N’ I mix my words occasionally. Considering Inkling is my second language (Salmonid being the first) and that, according to the hospital, my vocal cords would require reconstructive surgery to work like regular folks' ones, I think I talk fairly good. 

After that I end up meeting Bahn again and we become friends. He even helps me with my grammar and stuff. An Octoling teaching an Inkling how to speak Inkling, the irony is not lost on me.

Life’s… I was gonna say “good” but really, it’s not… Life’s life from then on. Muck about in the city, salvage in the desert, talk with my two (ir)responsible adult friends and try N’ learn some stuff. I din’t have a weapon for quite a while which was a bit of an issue when getting into a fight, so I learned to fight with whe’ver I have. Using a pole as a blunt weapon is prolly one o’ my best ideas! Had to move my dumpster around often in the city cuz people kept messin’ with it. Eventually I moved it to behind Deep Cut’s Studio and…well, I don’t have time to recap that whole story.

On the topic of Deep Cut, they call themselves “bandits”, and the Thieves Gang call themselves…”Thieves”...obviously.

So, why don’t I? Plenty of other words that mean “thief”. Could call m’self a pirate or a burglar or a highwayman. ‘Stead I call m’self a Salvager, someone who recycles for a living. Cuz that’s what I do! My whole thing is finding broken stuff or parts, fixin’ ‘em or puttin’ ‘em togehter and then sellin’ ‘em for cash. 

I like to think I’m pretty good with machines. I mean, I couldn't explain to someone what I did, but I CAN do it.

I gotta admit, the whole “New Squidbeak Splatoon” thing?

Crazy. 

Who’da thunk that seein’ an old dude lookin’ at me and jumpin’ down a sewer grate would end with joining the military, discovering human relics, fightin’ Deep Cut, and going to space? N’ I think we also put an end to a century old conflict in passing. And then I somehow got them to claim the Crater as my turf. I’m still not entirely sure how that worked out? Was also not the plan!

Would I do it again? Yeah, why not? Coulda done without the residual space madness and idols trying to kill me and adopt me at the same time. ‘Sides, who else has a Smallfry who coulda gotten through the Fuzzy Ooze? That’s what I thought!

Agent 1 is pretty nice N’ pretty pretty (don’t tell her I said that). She was also with me going through all those Sites. 

Agent 2 has the vibe of a teacher, which checks out cuz she’s teachin’ me. Seems like she’s the only one with her shit together.

Captain is very cool! But I can’t help but feel like they’re keepin’ something about themself secret. Some past events I haven’t been told about.

The old man, Craig Cuttlefish, sure seems to know a thing or two about soldiering! I think having his brain removed (or whatever Grizz did to him) has done numbers on his abilities though.

Shiver is the one who most wants revenge. Something about a bruised ego or summit. When not trying to kill me, she’s kinda overbearingly parental. It’s a bit jarring honestly.