Chapter Text
Wei Ying stretched out his legs as he sat in the shadows on one of the roofs of Lotus Pier. He busied himself with peeling lotus seeds, munching on them with childlike delight. His array had worked, almost. In truth, he had hoped to go back farther into the past, but time travel was tricky. Now, all he could do is wait.
After several minutes, he heard the soft steps of Wen Ning as the former fierce corpse joined him on the roof.
“Hungry?” he asked, offering up some lotus seeds.
His Wen didi gave him a bright smile and took a few. It warmed Wei Ying’s soul to see the gentle boy able to make facial expressions again.
“How do you like being alive again?” he asked, nudging his friend.
“Strange, but good. I keep forgetting to breathe or blink or drink water among other things.”
He tilted his head, giving this some thought. “Yeah, I suppose it would be weird after so many years. Did you see Qing-jie yet?”
“No. She was with Wen Ruohan, so I headed over here first.” His forehead wrinkled as he frowned. “I thought we wanted to return before the fall of Lotus Pier and even Cloud Recesses.”
“Ah, that was the plan, wasn’t it? My plans never go as planned,” he replied before blowing out a long breath.
Ning-di gestured toward the far building with his head. “Should we save him?”
Wei Ying sighed. “I guess. That’s what we agreed, isn’t it?” He pulled up his knees and hugged them. “Like you said, he isn’t the same vindictive bastard he became before.” With another slow exhale, he pushed away any thoughts of retribution that made him clench his fists and want to leave his former shidi to die. “Plus, he’s only here because he distracted some Wen cultivators from finding me.”
Wen Ning’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Mmm. Yeah. Jin Ling let it slip one night. Made some comment about not understanding how Jiang Cheng could sacrifice himself like that and end up hating me. What the kid didn’t realise is that his Jiujiu has a habit of acting on emotion instead of thinking things through. I think part of him wanted to die, part of him wanted to do something useful, and part of him did not expect to get caught or lose his core. Jiang Cheng has always thought his position protected him from everything. I really shouldn’t have protected him from the consequences of his actions as much as I did. Then again, Madame Yu would have blamed me anyway, so I don’t think it would have helped.”
His friend’s head bobbed up and down as he nodded. “You don’t think he did it for you?”
He gave a half shrug. “In a way, I guess, but if he truly did it to save me, why did he want to die after? Was it some kind of hero’s remorse? I saved you, but it ruined me, so I shouldn’t have done it in the first place?”
They fell silent as a couple of Wen guards passed by below them. The two men laughed and toasted each other with jars of lotus wine.
“You gave him your core, and he used it against you.”
The simple statement from Wen Ning made him sad. “For a long time, I used to tell myself it was because he didn’t know. That if he knew I didn’t have a core, things would have been different, but…”
“But would it? When he found out, he tried to hurt you. Later, he still brought it back to you being better than him. He involuntarily lost his core for you. You voluntarily gave him yours.”
Wei Ying snickered bitterly at that. “Yeah, he saw it as a competition. I beat him again.”
His friend put a gentle hand on Wei Ying’s forearm. “Plus, you took away any righteousness he felt in pushing you away, in wanting to kill you, in hating you. Instead of thanking you, he blamed you for making him less again.”
The weight of life-altering decisions made by desperate teenagers made him give a sour chuckle over the impulsiveness of youth. “He tried to save me without my consent just like I forced my core on him without his. Neither of us were good at respecting each other, but we were children who didn’t have enough brains or life experience to make better choices. And instead of letting it all go like I hoped he would, it made him more and more bitter over the years until he destroyed everything and everyone I loved,” Wei Ying said with a heavy heart. “I miss Lan Zhan,” he whispered to ease the ache in his heart.
For a while, neither of them moved or spoke, the events of their future/past suspending any action.
“He has no core, no power this time. If we let him die here, will you be able to accept it?”
Wei Ying grunted, cursing the lingering voice that desired integrity and decency in him. “No, probably not. However, I don’t know if I can ever look at him without seeing the man he became. That last day, if you hadn’t stopped me, I think I would have ripped him to pieces with more venom and revenge than I ever felt for Wen Chao.” His gut hurt as bile tainted his mouth. Oh, gods everything was so long ago and just yesterday. “To live without regrets, what a lofty goal I set for myself,” he said in a self-mocking tone.
“True. Lofty, naive, impossible, you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t let such things guide you,” his didi said with a smirk.
Delighted at the sight of Ning-di’s facial expressions, he wrapped an arm around Wen Ning’s shoulder. “You know, those years of studying with the Lan mind healers really shows. Now, you have a wonderful gift for shedding light on issues I’d rather keep hidden, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
Wen Ning chuckled at that. “We can discuss that at your next session, Xian-ge.”
He winced at that. “Ugh. I thought this trip to the past would negate the need for more sessions.” He put up his hands between them. “Not that I haven’t enjoyed you picking my brain apart, shredding me into pieces, or forcing me to face the lies I tell myself.”
“You have lots of those.”
“Ouch!” he exclaimed, pressing his hand to his heart and donning an offended expression.
His friend threw him that admonishing look he always gave when Wei Ying tried to deflect from the truth. It was even more disapproving now that his friend’s facial muscles flexed with life.
“Okay, fine,” he said with a pout and gave up. He never won with Wen Ning anymore, anyway. The gentle soul had been through far too much to not have grown wise over the years, which meant Wei Ying should probably listen to him. And he would – eventually.
“Aiya. I guess we should get on with this,” he said, slapping his hands against his thighs as he got up.
They dropped down in silence and snuck into the room where Wen Chao kept Jiang Cheng. The boy Wei Ying spent half of his childhood with lay limp and unconscious in the corner of the emptied storage room. Blood splatters decorated the walls, floor, and even the ceiling. The boy destined to be Sect Leader Jiang barely responded as they hauled him up and carried him away.
“Shouldn’t I go back for the Jiang leaders’ bodies?” Wen Ning asked after they placed Jiang Cheng into one of the smaller fishing boats tied to the farthest pier from the main compound.
“No,” Wei Ying decided after a moment’s thought. “While giving them a proper burial would be good, the risk is too great. No one, not even Jiang Cheng appreciated the gesture after. Jiang Fengmian and Madame Yu had their souls settled when they were children. If they do not move on, we’ll deal with that later. I won’t have you risk getting caught by Wen Chao again for them.” He frowned at his former shidi. “Or him,” he said as he stripped off his robes and threw them in the river before replacing them with simpler, homespun clothes. Afterwards, he helped Wen Ning do the same to the unconscious Jiang.
His didi held out his hand. Even in the dim light of the partial moon, Wei Ying recognised the shape of Zidian laying on Wen Ning’s palm. A sliver of hate ran up his spine. Still, he took the high-grade weapon which burned cold against his skin. Teeth clenched, he closed his fingers around the ring and poured both righteous and resentful energy into it. Concentrating, he overwhelmed the spirit inside the lightning whip and turned the metal into dust. The powder disappeared into the river when he let the wind take the dust away.
“Won’t he ask for it?”
“Probably,” Wei Ying said with a half shrug. “But I don’t care. No one will ever feel its bite again.”
The wounds on his back pulled as he took up an oar and began to row. His throat still hurt and every muscle ached from Madame Yu’s whipping. Still, he went on, keeping to the shadows as they slipped through the water.
To reach Meishan, they had to go through Yiling and Wen territory. However, they wanted to avoid Wen Qing for now. Yes, Jiang Cheng needed medical help and their Jiejie could help him, but neither of them wanted him anywhere near her.
Once they were far enough away to not attract any attention, Ning-di took off his pack and proceeded to treat Wei Ying’s former shidi. While he did not possess Qing-jie’s inventive intellect, his former life had allowed him the time to build his skills to where he rivalled her in his medical abilities. He would not create new methods or push any boundaries, but he could save a life and had in their previous existence.
Wei Ying tensed his jaw and turned his attention back to the river as thoughts of their past dug into him. Zizhen, Jingyi, a-Ling, and Sizhui didn’t deserve to suffer for Jiang Wanyin’s inability to let go of the past. His eyes burned as the thought of his ducklings made him long for his family. They had grown up so strong and truly righteous, married and had children of their own. The darkness that grew in the Jiang leader should have never touched such pure souls.
But Jiang Wanyin wanted him to suffer. The bitter toadstool wanted Wei Ying to feel the weight of loss as though he hadn’t grieved when his parents died or when Lotus Pier – the first place he thought of as home – fell, as though he hadn’t broken to pieces when Jiang Yanli died for him or at the slaughter of the Wen Remnants.
Wei Ying poured his hurt and anger into a punishing pace, moving their slim boat faster and faster through the dark water.
Before dawn broke, Wei Ying pulled the boat into the reeds several li beyond Yiling. Though his arms ached from the long night of exertion, he enjoyed the feel of his former self. As much as he appreciated Mo Xuanyu’s sacrifice, the boy’s body and core didn’t match the rightness of Wei Ying’s original body. Even after so many years, it often felt like wearing someone else’s undergarments that were just a little too small.
“How is he?” he asked without gazing on Jiang Wanyin’s younger face.
A heavy sigh emanated from Wen Ning. “Stable. I treated his wounds and meridians. They should heal just fine.” He passed over a few pouches of medicine and a couple of jars. “Make sure he drinks the tea tied with the blue ribbon in the morning and the one with the yellow in the evening. Put this white cream on after you clean his wounds and change his bandages. I’ve given you enough for him and yourself.”
Wei Ying threw him a frown of exasperated fondness and went to protest, but his didi shook a finger at him.
“Don’t think I forgot about your injuries.”
“Fine,” he said, giving an exaggerated sigh. He passed over several talismans and a communication stone. “Give Popo a hug, a-Yuan a kiss, and annoy Qing-jie for me,” he said, the words creating a lump in his throat.
“I will,” Ning-di assured him and grasped his forearm. “Take care. I will contact you as soon as we reach the valley.”
“Are you sure they’ll go?” Wei Ying asked, his fears getting the better of him.
His didi gave a firm nod. “They will. Jiejie will be the hardest to convince, but she’ll have no choice when the rest of our family is already gone.”
“Ah, I’d love to be there when she realises her precious didi isn’t the baby boy she needs to protect anymore,” he said with a fond grin.
Ning-di wrung his hands together, his brow wrinkling in concern. “I can’t wait to see her,” he admitted with a slight warble to his voice.
With a hearty laugh, Wei Ying patted his cheek. “Aiya, how is she supposed to listen to you if you blubber all over her shoulder?”
“I don’t know. You tell me when you do the same,” his didi replied, sniffing a bit as he pulled away.
Wei Ying let out an abrupt squawk. “Go on, you disloyal didi,” he said and swatted at him. “And be careful. You’re not a fierce corpse anymore, and you better stay that way!”
Worry coursed through Wei Ying as Ning-di waved and disappeared into the trees. Left to himself, he threw one more glance to Jiang Cheng’s inert form before shoving off into the water again.
As the sun started to rise, he perched on the stern of the sampan and threw out a fishing net. He kept a wide hat low on his head to cover his features and hunched over to look more like a poor fisherman working for the day’s catch. A discreet talisman kept the boat moving at a decent clip, so they moved down the river as though pulled along by a swift moving stream.
By the time he had caught several fish for breakfast, three Wen boats went by filled with soldiers scanning the shores and every sampan they passed. One even hollered at Wei Ying, asking him if he had seen anyone dressed in Yunmeng colours. Wei Ying put on his best uneducated act and annoyed the Wen with a feigned lack of understanding until the man gave up and left.
When the river grew wider and quieter with fewer boats, he pulled in his line and crawled under the curved roof sheltering the middle of the sampan. Jiang Cheng still lay where he was, his chest rising and falling at a decent rate.
As much as Wei Ying wanted to see his former shidi as one removed from the person he became, he couldn’t. No matter how many times he repeated ‘he’s not the same’, it didn’t bring back the brotherly love he once had. Still, he would keep the man alive and safe as he promised Madame Yu and Jiang Fengmian so long ago, yet only a few days in the past.
Turning his gaze away, he caught sight of a sampan selling congee as it floated by. He hailed the other boat over and traded most of his fish for a large, clay pot filled with rice, peanuts, and strips of fried dough. The tantalising aroma made his stomach grumble.
After devouring a healthy serving, he used a talisman to heat some water and made the tea Wen Ning gave him. When it had cooled enough to drink safely, he raised Jiang Cheng’s head and administered the medicine, massaging his patient’s throat as he did so to make sure he didn’t choke. He detached himself from any filial emotion as he tended to the Jiang boy, treating him with the same unaffected courtesy he would give any stranger.
This was not the Jiang leader of his previous life. This man did not let jealousy and resentment nurture his heart demons until they took him over and destroyed the very soul of the Jiang sect. Jiang Cheng, the teenager, wasn’t the one that gathered cold, brutal cultivators to his side, isolating Yunmeng from the rest of society and leaving the common people to fend for themselves. This wasn’t the man who used his golden core to torture people he suspected of using resentful cultivation, yet let true evil run rampant throughout his territory. No. No! NO!!!
Wei Ying tore himself away from Jiang Wanyin and leaned over the side of the boat. Breathing heavy, he splashed cool liquid on his face, trying to gather himself back together. For a long while, he watched the rippling water flow by, unable to do anything else.
He longed for his husband, the ache of Lan Zhan’s absence making him feel more empty than the loss of his golden core ever had. Tears flowed hot down his cheeks as he remembered his last moments with his zhiji. Watching those golden eyes dim as he held Lan Zhan in his arms nearly made him turn into the demon everyone accused him of being. If it hadn’t been for Wen Ning, the world would have burned.
Hanguang-jun, his light-bringer, Jiang Wanyin could only bring him down by going after their grandchildren like a coward. The fucking bastard couldn’t face him one on one. No, the rabid dog had no honour, and neither did his disciples.
The soul-aching pain of loss flowed out of him in a howl of grief he could no longer hold inside. Everytime he found a moment of happiness, a place to belong, and a family to treasure, someone always lurked in the shadows, waiting to rip it from him. He didn’t care about the war or Wen Ruohan anymore. Why should he when the rest of the cultivation world would just turn around and set up another tyrant in his place? For all their talk of righteousness and justice, few of them truly stood by their words.
He slumped down and curled in a ball, his arms over his head as he wept, his body pressed against the wooden side of his boat. Exhausted, he cried himself into a troubled sleep. When he woke hours later, the evening light had settled into a dusky blue with a sliver of gold lining the horizon.
Numb, he forced himself to take care of his own needs. Fortunately, Jiang Wanyin still remained in a restless sleep with a light fever. He didn’t know if he could keep himself from doing something drastic if the Jiang boy lashed out at him with his usual verbal garbage.
Too broken to feel anything else, he went about his duties like a puppet dancing to someone else’s commands. He tended to his patient, fished, ate, slept, and kept them moving until he finally reached the docks that led to the fortress of Meishan.
He greeted the guards with automatic brevity and followed them through the gates that protected Madame Yu’s family from invaders. Once inside, he gave a succinct and dispassionate report to the Meishan leaders, unable to muster more than one or two word answers to their questions.
All he wanted was to leave, to get away from all the pomp and procedure that allowed the gentry to feel their own importance. Still, he remained and allowed a servant to guide him to a room for his use.
Before the door closed, Jiang Yanli appeared, and he almost collapsed at the sight of her.
“A-Xian!” she exclaimed and rushed to him, enfolding him in her embrace.
For a moment, he held her to him, taking in the reality of her presence. As much as he wanted to see her as the shijie he always loved, the mother he never had, he had mourned her long ago.
Many of his sessions with Wen Ning had centred around his relationship with her. They had gone through every moment of his life with the Jiang family, finely sifting through each detail to break down the truth of his childhood.
In so many ways, she grew up too fast; they all did. Shijie was a child trying to find true affection and hold it to her no matter what. She should have been allowed a childhood. Instead, she became the surrogate parent to an unruly orphan and a lost, bitter brother. She became the moderator of peace between two opposing forces that should have been her loving parents. While Wei Ying learned to survive by never letting them see his pain and facing hatred and abuse with a smile, she learned to believe love hid behind anger and censure. As Jiang Cheng protected himself by lashing out with cutting words and separating himself from the welfare of others, she placed her hopes and dreams on a future where she would be safe.
His heart broke for her as he wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. She was a child, who clung to an idyllic picture of peace and harmony even when living in the midst of the exact opposite.
He used his sleeve to wipe away her tears and sat her down on the daybed. With a gentle hand, he tidied her hair; with a bright grin, he encouraged her to cheer up.
“That’s better,” he said when she managed a small smile. He poured her some water from a jug on a nearby stand and wrapped her fingers around the cup. “Drink.”
She giggled and did as he instructed. After taking a deep breath, she grasped his fingers. “My a-Xian has been through so much. He has grown up and is no longer three.”
The comment made him chuckle, hitting him like a fond memory in a timeless dream. “Ah, well, a-Xian is still a foolish boy at heart.”
Her smile grew and she squeezed his hand. “Good. I need my a-Xian. We three only have each other now.”
The statement cut into him, making him flinch. Confusion altered her features into one of puzzled concern.
“A-Xian? What is it?”
Unable to continue the physical contact, he withdrew his hand and knelt a few steps away from her. “I can’t stay, Shijie. As much as I care for you, I can’t stay.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, moving toward him. “Don’t be silly, a-Xian. Of course, you can. You have to stay. We need you. A-Cheng needs you. We’re your family. You’re our brother. You can’t go.”
He put his hands up between them, palms toward her. “No. I’m not, not really. This whole situation has finally drilled home all the things Madame Yu tried to get through my thick head. No matter what happens, I will always be just the son of a servant, someone with little worth among the gentry. It doesn’t matter what I do or achieve, I will always be one of lower stature.”
“No!” she gasped and scrambled toward him. She clung to his arm and gazed intently into his eyes, her own brown irises glistening with more tears. “You are our brother no matter what anyone else says.”
Throat tight, he shook his head and gave her a kind smile. “If only that were true, but it isn’t, and the sooner we face that the better we all will be. Lotus Pier is gone; Jiang Cheng has lost his core. These are facts that cannot be changed. Even if we retake Yunmeng and defeat the Wen, who would lead?”
Her lashes fluttered as she blinked rapidly. “I – I don’t know, but we will work it out together. I know we will. A-Cheng doesn’t need a core to lead if he has you by his side.”
That made him laugh which made her even more confused. “Do you really think Jiang Cheng would accept that?” He ran a hand over his face, frustration growing inside him. “He could never take the reality that I’m stronger than him when he had a core. You think he’ll be fine without one, with being ordinary? No, he’ll hate me even more than he already does.”
She dropped her hands to her lap. “He doesn’t hate you,” she said in a low voice.
“No, not at the moment,” he admitted. “At the moment, we have a love/hate camaraderie, a friendship built on childhood mischief and my ability to ignore his cutting words.”
“You are brothers,” she interjected. “You know he hides his affection behind his anger.”
A laugh slipped from his lips at the familiar statement. It took him a long time to work through that lie. “Maiden Jiang, Shijie, that’s not how it works. There is a difference between lighthearted teasing and friendly competition and vitriol soaked in anger and jealousy. No matter what else the future holds, I can guarantee you your brother will always see the fall of Lotus Pier and the death of your parents as my fault. And that alone will poison any relationship between us. It is the final blow that widens the rift your mother built between him and I into an impassable gorge.”
He paused, the future and past hanging onto him like a thousand ghosts wanting his soul. “You know, he and I have never actually trusted each other,” he admitted with a huff. “Not really. The Wen caught him because he tried to distract them, so they wouldn’t catch me. He doesn’t know I know, but I do. He didn’t listen when I told him to stay hidden. As his head disciple, he should have obeyed me, but as sect heir and proud son of Madame Yu, he couldn’t take orders from one of lower stature. So, he wandered out and saw some Wen soldiers about to surround me. He tried to distract them, and they caught him.
“Did he do it because he wanted to protect me or for some other reason, only he really knows. Maybe he wanted to be the hero for once, or get rid of some of the powerlessness he felt from the loss of his home and family. Perhaps it had nothing to do with me at all or it had everything to do with me. Maybe he just wanted to die with his parents.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t say that!” she shouted at him, her pale face splotched with red.
He caught her wrists as she went to grab him. Unable to stop himself, he could only look down at her grief-stricken face. It all seemed so far away. He was hurting her, but she was a ghost, and he was so tired. “He tried to go back several times, you know. His parents told him to go to you, but we both had to return, to do something. I forced him to leave after I realised there was nothing we could do. I dragged him away, and he nearly strangled me to death.” He pulled back his collar to show the bruises lingering on his throat.
With an anguished gasp, she fell back and sank against the frame of the daybed.
A voice inside him told him to stop, but how? He could barely feel his own hands let alone control his tongue. “He said I should have let Lan Zhan and Jin Zixuan die. Oh, I couldn’t do that. I love Lan Zhan. He’s everything to me. And you love Jin Zixuan. Why can’t he see that? Why must it be all or nothing with him? Your father showed me kindness, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Jiang Cheng. His last words to us weren’t ‘look after each other’. They were ‘take care of Jiang Cheng’. He loved Jiang Cheng. I was a child he was fond of, a memory of his friends, a means of easing the guilt he felt at their deaths.
“In the end, it doesn’t matter why Jiang Cheng went back. He lost his core because of me. I failed to protect him. He failed to trust me. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t ask him to do it. I didn’t want him to. If they caught me, well, that was my choice just as distracting them was his. I can’t take responsibility for his actions anymore. We’re not children anymore. It isn’t as simple as claiming I just decided to climb a tree in the middle of the night. I made a fool of myself for so long to distract the world from his temper and callus actions, but I don’t think I did him any favours in the end.”
With a whimper, she bowed her head. He took her hands, hating to see her in so much pain. “It’s okay, Shijie. It was inevitable. You know it was. In your heart where you lock away all the things you don’t want to be true, you know he and I could never be more than childhood friends. The rest was all a lie we told ourselves to survive.”
“A-Xian,” she called, her tone coaxing and gentle. “You are worn out. You need rest. Most of what you’re saying doesn’t even make sense.” She approached him carefully like he was an injured animal she wanted to heal. “These last few days have been so hard on you. Have you eaten or slept?”
He blinked at her, her concern almost reaching something old inside of him. “Lotus root and pork rib soup won’t fix this, Shijie. I wish it could.” With a small smile, he moved around her and stretched out on the bed, his head heavy. “But you’re right. I am tired, so tired.”
“My a-Xian should sleep,” she said as she brushed his hair from his face with a trembling hand. “All will be better after he rests.”
“Ah, Shijie. I will miss you,” he told her honestly. “I will always miss you.”
“So don’t leave, then you won’t miss me,” she replied with a light laugh that didn’t match the fear in her eyes.
He shook his head. “I’ll be gone before the morning. Tell Jiang Cheng thank-you and I’m sorry. He won’t accept it or understand, but that’s fine.”
“If you leave, if the Jiang sect is truly lost, what am I to do?” she asked in a quivering voice.
Oh, she sounded so small, so young. He wanted to change things for her, to build that fantasy world she longed for where soup solved problems and no one ever suffered.
“Stay here,” he said, wishing he could offer more. “You have family here. They will take care of you both. Stay and take care of Jiang Cheng. He’s going to need you. Without his core, he won’t want to live. Help him find a reason to.”
A flicker of anger twisted her features for a moment before she took on a mask of understanding. “And you, what will you do? Go to your Lan Zhan?”
He closed his eyes, unable to give her anything more. “Lan Zhan,” he whispered as he drifted off. “My Lan Zhan.”