Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

Jonathan Sims: what have you invited me to this for? I informed you all earlier, social media is for necessary reasons only.

timberly: this is nececssary boss man

timberly: necesscary

timberly: necessary

timberly: there i go

should’ve been the archivist: Jon! Hello :)

should’ve been the archivist: wait why is that my name

timberly: because i’m right

Jonathan Sims: If you don’t mind, I’ll be leaving now.

timberly: BOSSMAJN

timberly: NO :((

timberly: do you want to be like elias jon? do you want to be bitchard? bitchard left

should’ve been the archivist: i still don’t quite get why you added him in the first place, to be honest.

timberly: everyone deserves a second chance sasha

timberly: except those clown motherfuckers

goth bf: amen

goth bf: hey wait what.

goth bf changed their nickname to gerry

gerry: dont do that again .

Jonathan Sims: Gerard is here?

gerry: gerry

Jonathan Sims: Apologies.

Jonathan Sims: Perhaps I will stay. Glad to see you’ve really started to adjust to your more... bookish life.

timberly: did bossman just make a joke???

Jonathan Sims: Perhaps. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to do than this.

Jonathan Sims has changed their status to: do not disturb

Jonathan Sims has left the chat

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

2:04am

timberly: we need martin

should’ve been the archivist has entered the chat

should’ve been the archivist: tim what the fuck

should’ve been the archivist: it’s 2am

should’ve been the archivist: also.

should’ve been the archivist changed their nickname to ka-lee-o-pee

ka-lee-o-pee: there we go

timberly: you are ignoring my initial statement. we need martin

Jonathan Sims has entered the chat

Jonathan Sims: Statement?

timberly: JON WHAT THE FUCK

Jonathan Sims: the Eye told me someone had a statement.

timberly: NOT THAT KIND. DID YOU WAKE UP FOR THIS

Jonathan Sims: Don’t be ridiculous. I was already awake. I simply logged on to your immature server for this.

Jonathan Sims: And I have my reservations about adding Martin.

timberly: i did not ask for your opinion

timberly has left the chat

Jonathan Sims: Well.

timberly has joined the chat

timberly: I FUCKED UP

ka-lee-o-pee: how, why, and is anyone going to die

ka-lee-o-pee: hey that rhymes :3

Bouchard, E has joined the server

Bouchard, E: I presume the how is that Mr. Stoker was attempting to add Mr. Blackwood instead of I. The why is that he did not accomplish that. The jury is still out on the third question.

timberly: fuck you

timberly: you left once you don’t get to come back

Bouchard, E: doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance, Mr. Stoker? And perhaps I want one. I got my second chance at being a decent human in your eyes, of course, but I’ve only had one chance with this… server.

Jonathan Sims: You type in a way that can only be described as villainous.

timberly: yeah and thats coming from grandpa sims here

Jonathan Sims: What is that supposed to mean?

timberly: dont worry about it

timberly: anyway

timberly: DOUBLE BOSS MAN

Bouchard, E: Yes?

timberly: you can stay on one condition

ka-lee-o-pee: oh no

Bouchard, E: and what is that?

timberly changed Bouchard, E’s nickname to eyelias bitchard

eyelias bitchard: You wound me. May I at least change it to proper capitalization?

timberly: no

timberly has left the chat

eyelias bitchard: Ah, well.

eyelias bitchard has left the chat

Jonathan Sims: I am going to go back to my previous activities now.

ka-lee-o-pee: That being?

Jonathan Sims: Work.

Jonathan Sims has left the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: oh. im alone :(

timberly has joined the chat

timberly: I RETURN

Blackwood, M has joined the server

Blackwood, M: Hello everyone :)

ka-lee-o-pee: im not alone anymore !

Blackwood, M: nope!

ka-lee-o-pee: wait martin why are you awake

Blackwood, M: why are you?

Blackwood, M: (sasha?)

ka-lee-o-pee: … fair. and yeah

ka-lee-o-pee: the one and only <3

timberly: and im jon

timberly: i hate fun and i dress like im eighty years old

Blackwood, M: LOL :)

Blackwood, M: i mean

Blackwood, M: don’t be rude, Tim

Blackwood, M: and i think we should all get some sleep now!

Blackwood, M has left the chat

timberly: well thats no fun

ka-lee-o-pee: he is right

timberly: i guess so. have fun pretending to sleep

timberly has left the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: goodnight to you too <3

ka-lee-o-pee has left the chat

~

9:35am

gerry: how the FUCK am i the only one who slept through this. god damn.

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGING

10:00am

ErRor: i would like to join your serveR

eRorR: *sErver

erOrr: fUck iT

timberly: who the hell is this?

erOrR: pleplease givem e a moment

eRorRRr is typing…

timberly: are you alright dude

ERROR changed their name to michael

michael: i am not a “who” and i am not a “dude” but i suppose the fickle technologies of this time require some semblance of identity to function

timberly: actually there’s a shit ton of bots

michael: i am not a “bot”, either.

mIchael: i would like to join your seerver

timberly: seerver

michAel: dick

timberly: touche. unfortunately my seerver is for people working in the archives only, and also elias because hes a bitch

miChaEL: technically, i never quit my job, archival assistant. nor was i fired. fundamentally changed in a way that tore me into something new entirely, but not fired.

timberly: ...........

timberly: you have a point

timberly: i have a question though

MICHAEL: i am a liar, but go ahead i suppose

timberly: alright so

timberly: how do you type with knife hands

mIcHael: practice

timberly: really? thats it?

michaeL: yes. a Lot of it

miChaEl: sometimes when i am bOred i will take one of my victims and ask them for assistance

michAel: one even taught me of “LOL”s and these silly little critters :3. i let her go

timberly: well isn’t that nice of you

michaEL: indeed. i am nice. you should let me into your archival chaos server

timberly: discord

mICHAEL: i know what i said.

MICHaeL has left the chat

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

10:07am

MIcHaeL has entered the chat

miChaeL: heLlo, fellow employees 0_o !

gerry has entered the chat

gerry: what the fuck

timberly has entered the chat

timberly: thats mike

micHAel: michael

mIchaeL: the distOrtioN

michaeL: the throat of delusion incarnate

miCHAel: devoted servant to the one who LiEs

timberly: and our coworker, technically

ka-lee-o-pee has entered the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: oh, michaels here!

timberly: i thought you didnt like him

timberly: he stabbed you

gerry: what.

michAeL: only once :3

ka-lee-o-pee: ok i have two responses to that

ka-lee-o-pee: one: like you said everyone deserves second chances and he only did it because of creepy worms

ka-lee-o-pee: two: YOU KNEW HE STABBED ME AND LET HIM INTO THE CHAT ANYWAY??

timberly: he works here

MIcHAel: i do ! :)

miChaeL: oh that is not right i do not smile like that .

micHaEL: :}

MICHael: excellent. tEeth !

gerry: the fucking distortion works for the eye now

miCHaeL: *first !

micHAel: i worked for the eye first. and then i was torn to bits on every level including physical. and then i merged with the distortioN. and now i work for the spiral as well

mIchAeL: but i never quit ! :D

gerry: well. okay.

timberly: you can be in the “gertrude robinson pushed me to a limit and i died and fundamentally changed” club together or something

timberly: anyway are there any more semidead archival workers i should know about

timberly: is gertrude actually still alive

gerry: no. fortunately/unfortunately

ka-lee-o-pee is typing…

ka-lee-o-pee: i know we kind of just skimmed this, but michael, do you need therapy?

miChAeL: severely!

micHaeL: however elias bouchard does not pay us enough for that }: and also i have not been payed since 2010

MichAel: and also i do not think the distortion can ever be mentally healthy o-o

ka-lee-o-pee: @eyelias bitchard pay michael! its been six years :(

eyelias bitchard has entered the chat

eyelias bitchard: I will pay Mx. Distortion if it tells me who it was, so I can match its pay grade, and if I am allowed to change this ridiculous nickname.

timberly is typing...

ka-lee-o-pee: tiiiiiim.

timberly: fine. not the whole thing tho youve got to keep some

eyelias bitchard changed their nickname to Eyelias

Eyelias: Much better.

miChAeL: I was Michael ShelLey :}

gerry: oh. gertrude fed you to the spiral

micHaEl: yes. i would like a raise or i will sue for employee endangerment :3 hahahHaAAHha :}

timberly: i can hear that laugh through the screen holy shit

timberly: i still think you’re a little bit evil but i support employee rights

Eyelias: God damn it. Fine.

Eyelias has left the chat

Blackwood, M has entered the chat

Blackwood, M: is he gone?

ka-lee-o-pee: yes

timberly: were you avoiding this gc until elias was gone

Blackwood, M: maybe. i was busy until a few minutes ago, anyway

Blackwood, M: by the way i have bought some Earl Grey to make at work :)

timberly: on behalf of both me and jon, that is gross but enjoy

ka-lee-o-pee: thank you!

gerry: i can’t drink tea.

miChAeL: I could try, archival assistant !

mIchAel: oh…

MiChael: i am also “archival assistant” again :} isn’t that peCuliaR

MIchaeL: well

ErrOr: i think that is enough iDentiTy for one dAy !

ERROR: i will cOmE inTo worK tommmmoRow, peRhaPs . pay mE, eeeeeliAS

error. discord is currently unavailable. try reconnecting your internet!

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGING

4:37am

miCHaeL: i hhhave an idEa

clowncore: Hello Michael ! I Do Not Remember Giving You My Discord ! It Is Mostly For Stalking Victims !

mIchAel: you did not :} regardless

MicHaEl: woudl you like to hear my ideea?

clowncore: Of Course !

clowncore: Are We Going To Skin The Archivist ?

mIchAel: no skinning my cOworkErs :(

clowncore: Oh No ! You Are At The Institute Again ?

miChael: yes o_0

clowncore: D:

clowncore: You Should Join The Circus Instead ! We Will Pay Your Dental Insurance !

micHaEl: hha. you are quite humorous, nikola orsinov :} that is why i have come to you for my idea! you are a wonder to work with

mIchaeL: even if you are with the stttrangerr :( we all have our faults

MichAel: now. for my idea. :]

~

SERVER: AVATARS

4:53am

MiChaeL has joined the server

clowncore has joined the server

mIchaEl has created the channel chatting

miChaeL: this will be quite fun, nikola orsinov.

clowncore: Indeed ! Who Should Be Our First Victim ?

mIchaEl: no victims, Nikola Orsinov .

clowncore: D:

miChAeL: and i believe we should invite the Archivist

clowncore: And We Are Not Skinning Him ?

MichaeL: we are not.

clowncore: Sigh :(

mIchAel has left the chat

miChael has joined the chat

MICHaEL: the Archivist should be joining us shortly .

clowncore: Oh, Goody !

Jonathan Sims has joined the server

Jonathan Sims: Pardon my language, but who the fuck are you?

mIchAel: you knnow me, Archivist .

clowncore: And I’m Plastic !

miChaeL: *she is nikola orsinov

clowncore: Or Just Nikola !

Jonathan Sims: The mannequin clown.

clowncore: Yes !

Jonathan Sims has left the server

clowncore: Oh No :(

clowncore: How Am I Going To Torment And/Or Talk To The Archivist Now ?

mIchAel: we will have to be more creative in our measures to make him stay :}

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

6:32pm

Jonathan Sims: I have decided I no longer dislike this server to the extent I previously did.

timberly has joined the chat

timberly: BOSSMAN ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH

Jonathan Sims: Yes.

Jonathan Sims: I recently learned there are far worse servers to be in.

timberly: …

timberly: i wont ask

Jonathan Sims: That would be for the best.

Jonathan Sims is typing…

Jonathan Sims: However, I do have one rule. These “channels”… right now we only have “general” and it is quite clear that nothing productive will truly be accomplished within it while all your joking and hijinks are happening. So, I would like a channel for work. No pranks, no distractions, just a place to keep track of various work elements that are not important enough for real meetings but are far too tedious for emails.

timberly: everything is too tedious for emails

timberly: why send an email when you could sacrifice yourself to an entity instead

timberly: anyway here you go bossman :)

timberly has created the channel super-serious-work-business

CHANNEL: General (6:35pm)

gerry has joined the chat

timberly: gerard gerry gerbil !

gerry: never say that again

gerry: jon you know that is absolutely not going to work, right?

Jonathan Sims: Allow me to be optimistic. Please.

gerry: you are speeding past optimism and directly into denial, but sure.

Jonathan Sims: your cooperation is appreciated.

Jonathan Sims changed their nickname to Jon

timberly: ????

timberly: bossman have you been possessed

Jon: I told you, there are worse servers out there. 

timberly: im choking back tears. i am overcome with emotion. you love me, personally, and you have done this for me, personally, and this means we’re best friends now

Jon: No.

gerry: i won’t say this often, but jon, i feel sorry for you

timberly: i would say that very frequently actually. he seems like a pitiable individual

gerry: true

Jon: what is that supposed to mean?

timberly: dw about it

ka-lee-o-pee has joined the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: WHOA JON???

Jon: It’s “woah”.

ka-lee-o-pee: you know how to be some degree of casual after all :D

Jon: Yes.

Blackwood, M has entered the chat

Blackwood, M: what on earth is going on? My phone is exploding, haha

timberly: jon is more casual than you are and we must fix this at once

Jon: I do not understand why this is a novelty.

timberly: it is because you act like this. now, martin, fix it

Blackwood, M: oh, alright! I have an idea

Blackwood, M changed their nickname to Earl Grey Supremacy

ka-lee-o-pee: agreed :D

gerry: i still cant drink tea so i have no stake in this.

timberly: *oolong supremacy

Earl Grey Supremacy: absolutely not, that’s disgusting

timberly: …

timberly changed Earl Grey Supremacy’s nickname to parapsychologay

timberly: i am funnier than you.

parapsychologay is typing…

parapsychologay: yes. yes you are

Jon: You should not make fun of LGBTQ+ people, Timothy. “Gay” is not a funny word.

timberly: i am LGBTQ+ people and yes it is

parapsychologay: as am I

Jon: Oh. Carry on then. I am also LGBTQ+ people, I was simply concerned.

ka-lee-o-pee: ooh gay server gay server

Jon: Work server.

ka-lee-o-pee: with gay people in it

Jon: Yes.

gerry: i’m going to go ahead and say i feel sorry for jon again

gerry: not sorry enough to use the work channel responsibly, ever. but sorry

CHANNEL: super-serious-work-business (6:46pm)

gerry: flaming_elmo.png

gerry: anarchy

gerry: abolish capitalism

gerry: reform academia

gerry: behead the wealthy (jon)

Jon: GERRY.

gerry has left the chat

timberly: ALWAYS WITH YOU GER !!!

ka-lee-o-pee: socialism forever

parapsychologay: I will pretend to be a neutral party here.

parapsychologay has left the chat

Jon: I am. So tired.

Jon has left the chat

Chapter Text

DIRECT MESSAGING

12:30pm

spiderwife: Nikola tells me you rejected the invitation to her and the Distortion’s server yesterday

Jonathan Sims: and who are you?

spiderwife: someone who does not like it when nikola is sad

Jonathan Sims: Do mannequins have feelings?

spiderwife: FUCK you

spiderwife: yes they do

spiderwife: more feelings than you do

spiderwife: so. what you are going to do. you are going to DM Nikola and ask her if she can pretty please invite you back to her server. and you are going to join. and you are going to stay

Jonathan Sims: i am going to DM Nikola and ask her if she can pretty please invite me back to her server. I am going to join. And I am going to stay

Jonathan Sims: What the fuck.

spiderwife: shouldve joined the web when you had the chance ::::)

Jonathan Sims: I was eight.

Jonathan Sims: oh. Web.

Jonathan Sims is typing…

Jonathan Sims: … Annabelle Cane?

spiderwife: yeah ::::)

Jonathan Sims: This is why I hate spiders.

spiderwife: can you stop me?

spiderwife: no.

spiderwife: bitch.

spiderwife has left the chat

~

DIRECT MESSAGING

12:35pm

Jonathan Sims: Nikola?

clowncore: Oh Hello Archivist ! I Assume Annabelle Gave You My Discord ! My, There Sure Are A Lot Of Non-Victims Messaging Me Lately !

clowncore: Unless You Are One ?

Jonathan Sims: No, I am not.

Jonathan Sims: I am here. Because I want an invite. To your server.

Jonathan Sims: Good Lord that feels awful.

clowncore: Wonderful ! You Will Fit Right In With The Others ! And If Not, You Can Just Track Each Other Down And Fight To The Death :D

Jonathan Sims: Lovely.

~

SERVER: AVATARS

CHANNEL: General (12:55pm)

Jonathan Sims has joined the server

Jonathan Sims: Annabelle.

spiderwife: yes?

Jonathan Sims: Was it necessary to compel me to join immediately? I am at work, you know.

spiderwife: it was necessary for my own amusement

spiderwife: also you should meet everyone here ::::) @everyone come say hi to the Archivist

spiderwife changed Jonathan Sims’ nickname to archivist

archivist: I am already using a nickname in another server. Two is pushing it.

spiderwife: cry about it ! you arent changing it back

archivist: Oh, I know you well enough to know that already.

mikey (vast) has entered the chat

mikey (vast): would you like to quit your job and work for the Vast

archivist: What.

mikey (vast): i think i stated that pretty clearly

spiderwife: Crew. look at the rules. no recruitment

archivist: Rules?

spiderwife: yeah check the channel

CHANNEL: Rules (12:57pm)

spiderwife (pinned message): alright gang we’ve got some rules, considering this is a server full of murderers, liars, mind-controllers, body-hoppers, and pyromaniacs. RULE ONE: Annabelle is cool. RULE TWO: Nikola is also cool. RULE THREE: if you are going to find each other and kill each other, please keep the rest of us out of that drama. no fighting in-server. RULE FOUR: no bigotry, please. we’re Avatars, not assholes. RULE FIVE: no proselytizing. yes, yes, your Entity is the greatest, you still don’t bug anyone about how to join it unless they ask. RULE SIX: no using powers on one another through the screen. IRL is free game. (yes, this includes Eye knowing and Web mind-controlling. yes, you have to stick to this.) RULE SIX: no Entity-wide grudges. you can be a bitch over jude perry killing someone you know, you cannot be a bitch over any Desolation Avatar in general killing someone you know. that is quite unfair. RULE SEVEN: please try to make your name give some guess as to who you are and/or who you work with, there’s a lot of you. RULE EIGHT: no Extinction talk. RULE NINE: it is always fair game to bully elias and peter over their newest relationship drama. That is all!

[archivist reacted with thumbs up]

CHANNEL: General (12:59pm)

archivist: Certainly good rules.

spiderwife: yes. i made them

archivist: I love the one about how it is okay to kill each other as long as we don’t make it drama.

spiderwife: sarcasm detected, spiders released in your office

archivist: Annabelle

archivist: Annabelle don’t joke about that

archivist: Annabelle

spiderwife: I am not necessarily joking ::::3

mikey (vast): well shit Archivist you might want to check your office

archivist: Annabelle Cane I swear to god I am going to hire an exterminator.

spiderwife: you wouldnt :::::(

spiderwife: spider attacks: MULTIPLY

archivist: Annabelle, are you joking?

spiderwife has left the chat

archivist: ANNABELLE

archivist: Fuck.

archivist has left the chat

clowncore has joined the chat

clowncore: Well ! That Was Quite Fun To Watch Over Annabelle’s Shoulder !

mikey (vast): did she actually do it?

clowncore: I Won’t Spoil That ! You Might Tell The Archivist !

mikey (vast): fair. ill find out soon enough

clowncore: Yes You Will !

clowncore: :D

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

CHANNEL: General (1:12pm)

Jon: the Web is a plague and I would like anti-spider spray for my next birthday.

timberly has joined the chat

michAel has joined the chat

gerry has joined the chat

ka-lee-o-pee has joined the chat

gerry: well, i dont have money, so i wont be providing that.

ka-lee-o-pee: you’re lucky martin got sick enough yesterday that he’s not even reading the chat, because he would not be happy about that

Jon: The Web. Is. A plague.

timberly: LMAO did someone have a run-in with spiderman

Jon: Annabelle Cane.

Jon: She sent exactly eight spiders to sit around my name plaque.

ka-lee-o-pee: the nice one?

Jon: Yes.

ka-lee-o-pee: oh, that’s cruel.

Jon: I’d expected to open the door to a spider horde, so I acknowledge it could be worse, but I am still…

Jon: What’s the saying?

Jon: “Not a fan”.

gerry: lmao that’s Annabelle behaviour alright

Jon: I do not feel sympathy from you right now.

gerry: i do not feel sorry for you right now

gerry: i had a run-in with her back in 2011… spooky little shit. practically just a six foot five spider in a swing dress. at least now she seems more human-presenting than she was. 

Jon: She is still nowhere near pleasant. She has forced me into another Discord server, as well.

timberly: wait is this the one you said was worse than ours???

Jon: Yes. Significantly.

ka-lee-o-pee: Does that mean you like ours??

Jon: No comment.

timberly: i take that as a win

timberly: soooo can i join spider lady’s discord

Jon: as far as I know, it is only for Avatars.

timberly: god damn. you should fight for my inclusion

Jon: It is owned by Nikola Orsinov, I don’t think you would like it.

gerry: bloody hell

ka-lee-o-pee: nikola orsinov?

timberly: …

timberly is typing…

timberly: the clown?

mIchAel has joined the chat

MichAel: hello again fellow employees! I was deliberately ignoring clicking on notifications

timberly: how nice

mIchAeL: however I noticed you were talking about nikola orsinov 0.0

MiChaEL: and i must say. while she is tragically part of the Strranngerr, she is by far the most toleRabLe of the bunch, and her sErver is quite pleasant

mIcHael: the Archivist disagrees because he is a coward :}

Jon: Hey!

MichaEl: gertrude would have enjoyed it .

ka-lee-o-pee: gertrude was a bitch

mIchAel: correct! but she was not a coward

timberly: i still retract my request to join.

timberly has left the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: :( whys he so upset?

gerry: so, i remember this one incident, and… uh. yeah, the stranger killed tim’s brother

ka-lee-o-pee: what the fuck

gerry: but he’ll come to terms with it soon enough. once he adjusts to life under the entities. sometimes people kill other people and sometimes both people are potential friends

gerry: i mean, i had no friends when i was alive, except maybe gertrude, but thats what i hear

ka-lee-o-pee: lmao

miChaEl: it is true :3 i do still despise gertrude’s impact on the world and my lifE with the strength of one thousand SUnS though .

ka-lee-o-pee: let it out buddy. its not like she can hear it <3

ka-lee-o-pee: anyway. im not exactly interested in that server either. i get enough avatars in my day with jon and elias

Jon: Did you just compare my presence to that of Elias Bouchard?

ka-lee-o-pee: yes. now i am going to talk to tim

ka-lee-o-pee has left the chat

gerry: im still interested in the server

Jon: Go ahead and join, if you can convince Miss Orsinov to let you in.

gerry: didnt she outright bully you into joining

Jon: Force and pressure. And that was because I’m the Archivist. I’m important.

gerry: actually i think its probably because michael wanted you there and he and nikola are friends enough that nikola could convince annabelle to force you

mIchAel: correCt!

Jon: How did you know they’re friends?

miChAeL: he and i talk, Archivist

MichAel: i understand you may not be familiaR with my presence gracing you in that wAy

gerry: good one

micHaEl: coolguy.png

mIcHAel: gerry taught me to sEnd those 8)

miChaEl: and i will send you the link to the server gErrY i think theytheytheythey would enjoy you being there :} now iif yOu’lL excuse me i am IddentitieD out and would ratheR not crash discoRd agAin .

miCHaeL has left the chat

Jon: Now I do feel like I am being bullied.

gerry: you are, but lovingly

Jon: It does not feel loving.

gerry: you’ll get used to it

gerry: like a frog in a pot

gerry: (i am kidding)

gerry: loveislove.png

gerry: proof i care

Jon: Gerry, that is just a pro-gay marriage poster that looks like it was made on canva.

gerry: yes!

gerry: i support you. now goodbye i am going to crash the avatars’ server

gerry has left the chat

Jon: …

Jon: You are all exhausting.

Chapter Text

SERVER: AVATARS

CHANNEL: Chatting (3:56am)

gerry has entered the server

gerry is typing…

gerry: question

spiderwife has entered the chat

spiderwife: welcome ::::) yes?

gerry: if i am not technically an avatar, do i still have to follow the server rules

spiderwife: yes.

archivist has entered the chat

archivist: What rules were you planning on breaking, pray tell?

gerry: grudges

gerry: fuck the corruption

spiderwife: ::::( 

spiderwife: dont say that, youll hurt jane’s feelings

spiderwife: speaking of! @everyone, meet gerry!!

archivist: That doesn’t work. No one except Michael Crew came to say hello to me.

mikey (vast) has entered the chat

clowncore has entered the chat

catboy has entered the chat

mIchAel has entered the chat

perry the platypus has entered the chat

captain has entered the chat

worm milf! has entered the chat

sky daddy (vast) has entered the chat

dreamer has entered the chat

archivist: Oh. Okay then.

worm milf!: somebody said

worm milf!: corruption ?

worm milf!: what did my hhive do to you gerard keay D: we are loving

worm milf!: caring

worm milf!: a family

spiderwife: apologize to jane

gerry: sorry jane

gerry: HEY THAT WAS WEB COMPULSION

spiderwife: you can prove nothing!

catboy: Hello, Gerard. I regret to see this server becoming more and more like our work one by the day.

archivist: You’re never even active on there anyway, Elias.

gerry: sorry

gerry: ELIAS

gerry: CATBOY

catboy: I lost a bet with my husband, Peter.

gerry: you have a husband… i thought you were homophobic

catboy: rude.

catboy has left the chat

clowncore: Hello Gerry ! I Am Nikola !

gerry: hi nikola

clowncore: I Am Annabelle’s Girlfriend ! She Does Not Care Whether You Live Or Die, And She Is My Impulse Control, So I May Skin You !

mIchAeL: no dOn’t do that i like hiM }:

clowncore: Fine ! I Will Refrain !

clowncore: For Now !

gerry: …

gerry: i want to change the subject

gerry: girlfriend? i thought you were plastic. not a girl

clowncore: I Am Not Friendly Either ! But “Girlfriend” Is A Suitable Term, And I Use It !

gerry: fair

spiderwife: queen behaviour <3

clowncore: Abolish The Monarchy ! Behead The Wealthy !

clowncore has left the chat

gerry: okay i like her

spiderwife: you were never going to have a choice in that matter, but that’s good to hear ::::3

sky daddy (vast): hello Gerry! i’m simon. would you like to become a fairchild?

spiderwife: SIMON YOU BITCH

spiderwife: THATS RECRUITMENT

spiderwife changed sky daddy (vast)’s nickname to sky dad

spiderwife: punishment. you dont deserve to pretend you’re a dilf

sky dad: you’re rude, annabelle, but you scare me, so i will comply

sky dad: (if you want to become a fairchild it’s always an option)

mikey (vast): (don’t do it) (join the vast though)

gerry: i’ll pass.

sky dad: damn

spiderwife: both of you get out .

sky dad has left the chat

mikey (vast) has left the chat

worm milf!: i am jane, as mentioned :] i have kidnapped your archival assistant

gerry: WHAT

archivist: WHAT.

worm milf!: it is a joke dont worry :( he will comeback unhharmed but fonder of the corruption i think !

archivist: I highly doubt that. Give him back.

worm milf!: its martin

archivist: You can keep him a little longer.

gerry: Jon.

archivist: i’m kidding. Jane, please give him back

worm milf!: later :))

worm milf! has left the chat

dreamer: im oliver banks. why are you dead

spiderwife: manners, oliver.

gerry: illness

dreamer: that sucks. can you sleep when you’re dead?

gerry: sort of. i am also a skin book though.

dreamer: hmmm

spiderwife: oliver. i will spider your house

dreamer: i am keeping it in my back pocket, anna. it is not even close to the top of my list

dreamer: for instance, I am going to go try 60mg of zaleplon again

dreamer has left the chat

gerry: should i be concerned?

spiderwife: nah. he is incredibly insomniac and willing to go far for a good night’s sleep but he is also almost impossible to kill, so he’ll be fine

archivist: I encountered a statement of a man with horrible sleep and death-related powers once. Antonio Blake.

spiderwife: that’s him lmao he used a fake name

archivist is typing…

archivist: Do you people lie for fun?

perry the platypus: yeah

spiderwife: yes!

catboy: Yes.

worm milf!: sometimes :)

mIchAel: what do you think, Archivist .

archivist: .

archivist has left the chat

perry the platypus: btw i’m jude. you should hire me to heat your home

gerry: i don’t have a home. i’m dead.

perry the platypus: aw damn

perry the platypus: any loved ones?

gerry: no.

perry the platypus: anything that matters to you?

gerry: not really.

perry the platypus: :( no fair

perry the platypus has left the chat

captain: i’m elias’s fourteenth husband.

gerry: wh

spiderwife: he is also the first thirteen

gerry: i am unsure whether that is more or less strange.

captain has left the chat

mIchAel: he is with the lonely so i do not foresEe him talking to you Much }:

gerry: i don’t find myself minding

spiderwife: is that everyone? i think thats everyone ::::) i believe you will fit in here well, gerry keay

gerry: gerard

spiderwife: are we not friends, keay ?

gerry: not yet

spiderwife: yet ::::)

gerry: yet.

gerry has left the chat

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

CHANNEL: super-serious-work-business (8:07am)

gerry: so i would have told everyone when i found out about this, five hours ago

gerry: but in my defence, it was three am five hours ago

gerry: anyway martin’s been kidnapped by the corruption lmao

gerry: come to think of it the amount of avatars that were awake at that hour is kind of concerning

ka-lee-o-pee has entered the chat

timberly has entered the chat

ka-lee-o-pee: martins been WHAT

timberly: MARTIIIINNNNNNN

Jon has entered the chat

Jon: I can confirm this.

ka-lee-o-pee: @parapsychologay are you okay?????

parapsychologay has entered the chat

parapsychologay: hello workers of the magnus institute :]

parapsychologay: we have taken blackwoods phone :]

Jon: Jane.

parapsychologay: yeas ?

Jon: Please give Martin his phone back.

parapsychologay: but we are having fun :[

Jon: You can take it back in a moment, I just need to talk to him.

parapsychologay: >:[

parapsychologay is typing…

parapsychologay is typing…

parapsychologay is typing…

parapsychologay: I HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED AND HELD HOSTAGE FOR TWO DAYS AND NONE OF YOU NOTICED???

gerry: i live in jon’s office, that wasn’t my fault

ka-lee-o-pee: i just thought you were really sick :(

timberly: yeah jane’s email was very convincing

timberly: though now i notice she did say you have a “stomach bug”

gerry: lmao

Jon: I was too busy with other things to be aware.

parapsychologay: she has been OUTSIDE MY HOUSE for the past two days

parapsychologay: i couldn’t go anywhere and i was low on groceries already so i’ve been eating canned peaches and dry cereal for every meal

parapsychologay: and now my phone is so, so sticky

parapsychologay: SHE CHANGED MY PHONE BACKGROUND TO A HORNET’S NEST

Jon: Martin, please calm down. This is quite a lot of yelling for the work chat. I’d prefer if we talked one-on-one, for the sake of everyone else.

parapyschologay: what?

ka-lee-o-pee: JON.

Jon: Please.

timberly: bit of an asshole move bossman

gerry: that’s an understatement

parapsychologay is typing…

parapsychologay: fine.

~

DIRECT MESSAGING

8:13am

Jonathan Sims: Martin.

Blackwood, M: there are worms in my house

Jonathan Sims: Listen to me.

Blackwood, M: they started coming out the taps a few hours ago and now i can’t use water

Jonathan Sims: Martin Blackwood.

Blackwood, M: i was just trying to research carlos vittery and those weird worms sasha saw for you and i came across her and she followed me home and now i can’t leave

Jonathan Sims: Jane plans to release you.

Blackwood, M is typing…

Blackwood, M: how can you possibly know that for sure

Jonathan Sims: She told me.

Blackwood, M: sorry, what?

Jonathan Sims: Annabelle Cane forced me into a server with several Avatars, including Jane, but that’s not important.

Blackwood, M: you having contact with several dangerous monstrous beings in the UK kind of feels important

Jonathan Sims: Jane says this is a prank. I suspect she is mostly gauging your reaction to the Corruption—all of ours’. Probably for future ritual reasons. If you start to act calm and collected in your home, as if nothing is wrong, she will get bored.

Blackwood, M: so, you want me to pretend a worm creature isn’t stalking me?

Jonathan Sims: Yes.

Blackwood, M: and why ask me this privately exactly

Jonathan Sims: Well, firstly, I thought it courteous to save you the embarrassment of “freaking out” only to find out it is a prank and you are likely not in much danger.

Blackwood, M: likely? much?

Jonathan Sims: Secondly, it is easier and faster to get two individuals to delete all their messages instead of five. In case Jane reads through your phone when she inevitably takes it back, I would like you to make it look like we argued and did not say anything productive. Can you do that?

Blackwood, M is typing…

Blackwood, M: Yeah. okay. i’ll do that

Jonathan Sims: Excellent. 

Jonathan Sims: You’ll be fine, Martin.

[12 messages from Jonathan Sims are no longer available]

[10 messages from Blackwood, M are no longer available]

Jonathan Sims: Martin, would you please stop worrying? There’s nothing helpful to be had with that.

Blackwood, M: stop worrying?

Blackwood, M: you want me to stop worrying, jon? there’s a SENTIENT WORM HIVE piloting a WOMAN’S CORPSE that is keeping me trapped in my apartment for who knows how long and you want me to STOP WORRYING??

Jonathan Sims: It’s entirely unproductive.

Blackwood, M: Well, frankly, you’re an asshole, and i don’t care what you think is unproductive

Blackwood, M has left the chat

~

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

CHANNEL: super-serious-work-business (8:19am)

gerry: how do you think it’s going?

timberly: hilariously.

ka-lee-o-pee: martin could be in danger, guys, it’s really not that funny

gerry: but jon jon-ing is

parapsychologay has joined the chat

parapsychologay: that was the least helpful conversation i have ever had in my entire life

parapsychologay: i want tea :(

Jon has joined the chat

Jon: It is not my fault you don’t want to have a productive discussion about what there is to be done.

timberly: jon

timberly: i love you dearly as my bestest friend whom also loves me back

Jon: No.

timberly: but you are being an insufferable prick right now.

gerry: only right now?

ka-lee-o-pee: tim’s right, jon.

parapsychologay: we are back :]

timberly: god fucking damnit

timberly: did you say anything helpful at all jon

parapsychologay: no :]

Jon: I’m not worried about what’s going to happen.

Jon has left the chat

gerry: wow.

Chapter Text

SERVER: AVATARS

CHANNEL: Chatting (3:33pm)

archivist has entered the chat

archivist: Do not read into this, but I would like to have a conversation. My coworkers have been avoiding me for a week, ever since they found out about Martin, and I am horrifically bored.

gerry has entered the chat

gerry: that is because you were a dick

gerry: as a bit of a dick myself, i don’t usually judge, but martin’s NICE

catboy has entered the chat

catboy: Even I believe you are a bit of a dick sometimes, Archivist, and I’m holding you all captive in the workplace.

archivist: So now you’re active. Lovely.

worm milf! has entered the chat

worm milf!: oh no did we cause fighting :[

gerry: little bit yeah

archivist: The only person I have had to talk to is Elias, which means I have not talked to anyone at all. I’m not exactly one for social interaction, but even I find this a bit much.

catboy: Rude. I’m a good conversational partner.

gerry: patently untrue

catboy has left the chat

worm milf!: sorrys. for real

worm milf!: blackwood is boring anyways

worm milf!: i havent even been watching him the past few days. he just sitts and rreads all day :[ 

spiderwife has entered the chat

spiderwife: hello???? jonathan sims wanting to interact with semihuman beings??? without being threatened??? ::::0

spiderwife: i’ve been watching you for years and this is not normal behaviour you must really be sad without martin

archivist: Bored, not sad, and without any of them.

worm milf!: but BLACKWOOD is BORING

worm milf!: we sent worms to hide in his teakettle and he did not even blink :[ just said ‘oh ill have to replace that’

mIchAeL has entered the chat

miChAel: yoU are all being veryy distrActing and i would like to be inFormed of how to mute notificationS

gerry: ill dm you how. i dont want to be part of this conversation either

MicHaEl: excellent :3

gerry has left the chat

michael has left the chat

archivist: … Wait one moment.

archivist: Annabelle, I kind of skipped over the first part, but am I re-reading your most recent message… correctly?

archivist: Have you…

spiderwife: been watching you for years yes. i thought i was pretty clear in saying that

archivist: That is.

archivist: Concerning.

spiderwife: bitch you literally work for the eye

spiderwife: but ohhhh, a SPIDER spying on you draws the line ::::(

spiderwife: double standard

archivist: Actually, I find the Eye to be deeply unsettling as well.

spiderwife: that does not cancel out the fact you tolerate it and HATE us

spiderwife: and for THAT i am not going to tell you what’s going on in the hallway <3 you’ll find out yourself soon enough ::::3

archivist: Not this bullshit again.

spiderwife: yes this bullshit again

spiderwife: jane bestie sorry in advance for not telling you about The Event that is going to happen shortly btw

worm milf!: ?

archivist is typing…

archivist: I hear something very loud and very frantic in the hall

archivist: annabelle what did you do

archivist has left the chat

spiderwife: I BROKE HIS GRAMMAR

worm milf!: :3 yeas good jobs !

spiderwife: and now to sit back, relax, and enjoy the chaos. ::::)

Chapter Text

“Fuck the Corruption!”

Jon’s door bursts open at the same time as Martin’s voice declares these words, panicked and breathing heavy.

“Martin!” Jon says, wide-eyed. “You’re—” He stops. “That’s what Annabelle meant.”

Martin leans against Jon’s desk, slowly but surely catching his breath. “I ran here. From my house. Worms were following me. The entire way.”

Jon resists the urge to smile at the absurdity, just a bit. “Worms? Aren’t they… slow?”

“You’d think so. You’d really”—Martin’s breathing shakes— “really think so.” Martin continues shaking, and after a moment, Jon realizes he’s crying. Not much, but it’s there.

Jon is not good with other people’s emotions.

“Erm,” he says, like the intelligent, important academic he is. “If it helps. I don’t think Prentiss herself realized you were gone until thirty seconds ago.”

“It absolutely does not help,” Martin replies, “as that heavily implies her worms are both typically a hive-mind and occasionally independent. Thank you for trying, though.” He moves from leaning to sitting on the floor, criss-cross-applesauce like a schoolchild. “Do you know if… is there any… do we have tea left?”

“I’m not sure.” Jon blinks, then a second later, says, “Three boxes of Earl Grey, one each of oolong, pu’er, and chai, and four of chamomile. I haven’t the faintest idea how I know that.”

“Magic Eye powers?” Martin mumbles.

“Presumably.” He’s not sure how he feels about that. “Would you… like tea?” he asks. Martin just nods. “Alright. I’ll do that.”

Jon starts for the door, but Martin interrupts him. “Wait, Jon.”

“Yes?”

“Stomp on any worms you see. Please.”

“Obviously.” With that, Jon leaves.

On the way from the archives to the break room, he has to kill twelve worms. They writhe under his feet, their silver-and-black bodies making an awful noise and worse smell every time he breaks one open. He cannot possibly imagine how Martin still has the desire to eat or drink anything after two weeks of this, but if the man wants tea, Jon’s going to get him some.

In the break room, Jon is greeted by the sight of Michael and Gerry conversing. Gerry’s book is on a table, and he is sitting on the table beside it, while Michael seemingly sits inside a cupboard. With all the swirling colours and glitching movements, Jon can’t tell if the cupboard is impossibly big, Michael is impossibly flexible, or both.

“Oh, hello,” Gerry says upon seeing him. He does not look impressed. “Need something?”

“Tea,” Jon replies. “For Martin.”

Gerry’s casual slouch and cool demeanour both evaporate at once. “Martin’s here?”

“Jane Prentiss is going to complain about that,” Michael notes. It sounds like two voices at once, and the immediate headache it causes reminds Jon he should stock up on ibuprofen the next time he goes out. “She was having quite the fun with him, at least the first few days.” He grins. “I am glad Gerry Keay has taught me to mute notifications.”

“You know you can just call people by their first names, right?” Gerry questioned.

“There are many Janes and many Gerrys, Gerry Keay. I’d think identity would matter to a human more than this.”

“Okay, Michael Shelley,” Gerry says tiredly. Michael makes a disgusted face and grumbles something that sounds like a computer glitching to death, but does not actually do anything about it.

“Jane is already complaining, I think,” Jon says, more to himself than anything. As he speaks, he starts to boil water in the microwave. He can’t quite remember the right temperature it needs, and the Eye has decided not to divulge any more tea-related information for the time being, but four minutes in the microwave should cover his bases, right? “My phone won’t stop buzzing from my pocket.”

He continues to make an attempt at the tea, only to realize a few minutes later that Gerry and Michael have not said a word. He looks back to the two of them, and asks, “Are you just… watching me?”

“We do work for the Eye,” Gerry replies. His face holds only a neutral expression and too much eyeliner, giving no real hint to his thoughts that Jon can see.

“Well, I’d appreciate it if you just went back to your conversation,” Jon says. “I don’t need any more pairs of eyes on me than there already always are.”

“We were having a private conversation,” says Michael. Its smile has not gone away—it almost never does—but it sounds quite disdainful.

“In the break room,” Jon points out. The tea water’s four minutes are up. He drops the Earl Grey teabag in, then decides he’ll give it maybe another minute of heating while it steeps, just in case.

“Which is normally private,” Michael shoots back, its voice sounding glitchier than usual. “Timothy Stoker and Sasha James spend their time in the archives unless they are eating, you never leave your office, and Martin Blackwood has only just returned.”

“Hmph,” is Jon’s only response.

Another ten seconds of silence pass, before Gerry asks, almost hesitantly, “Jon… have you… made tea before?”

“Of course I have.” With his grandmother. Many, many years ago, in that era of is life where most memories are blocked out by Mr. Spider, but it is not technically a lie.

“Have you made good tea before?” Michael questions.

“Good is subjective.” The tea is done heating for real now, and Jon is rifling through the fridge to find some milk while it steeps. “Why do you ask?”

“You microwaved it,” Michael replies. There is an almost horrified fascination to its voice.

“Heating is heating,” Jon says. Upon finding the milk jug, he starts to pour some into the tea. He isn’t actually sure how much should go in, but it probably doesn’t matter. At this point, the tea looks and smells roughly the same as he remembers his grandmother’s being, if his memory is right, and that was drinkable. He thinks.

“You just threw the teabag in there,” Gerry notes. “It’s just… sitting at the bottom.”

“Yes.” Jon grabs a fork from one of the drawers and uses it to fish out said soaking teabag, which he then throws into the garbage can. Michael audibly flinches, an action that sends a glitch noise echoing around the room for twenty long seconds. “I feel judged.”

“You are,” Michael replies. “When I was Shelley, my tea was—” It stops, an uncomfortable expression spreading on its face.

“Don’t push yourself,” Gerry says, putting his hand on Michael’s shoulder.

Eugh. More people’s emotions. “I’m going to bring Martin his tea,” Jon announces, turning to leave the room.

“It’s for Martin?” Gerry calls when he leaves. “Firing him would be kinder!”

Jon does not dignify that with a response.

Back at his office, Jon sees Martin—who is no longer crying, thank the fear gods—calmly fidgeting with the nonbinary pin that had previously been sitting on Jon’s desk. Upon realizing Jon has returned, he goes to quickly put it back, but Jon just says, “It’s fine.”

“Oh. Okay.” Martin keeps fidgeting. “Me too, by the way.”

“Hm?”

“Um. Trans.”

“Oh. Yes. Tea?” Jon holds out the slightly charred-smelling drink, and Martin takes it with visible hesitation.

“Thank you,” he says. His eyes widen when he actually tries some, and he coughs. “Oh, Christ.”

Jon frowns. “Is it bad?”

“Um. No. Just… different.” Martin glances into the cup. “Is this pu’er?”

“Earl Grey.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Jon picks at the pilling on his shirt, suddenly not all too keen to see Martin’s reaction. “Please don’t feel pressured to drink it if it’s… less than optimal.”

“No, no, it’s good!” Martin takes another sip, coughs again, and says, “But maybe we should focus on my statement.”

Jon blinks. “Your…” he starts, before remembering he is in fact the Archivist and he does in fact work at the Magnus Institute. “Oh. Right. Statement.” Even as he says it, the space on his desk that did not have a tape recorder on it now does. Jon sighs—it’s already playing. “Go ahead.”

Martin smiles a small smile, though Jon can’t tell if it’s hopeful or just resigned. “Statement of Martin Blackwood, regarding… um. Worms. And waiting. Statement begins.”

Chapter Text

SERVER: SICK ASS ARCHIVAL WORKERS

CHANNEL: General (4:09pm)

parapsychologay: I think you all owe Jon a little apology :(

gerry has entered the chat

Jon has entered the chat

ka-lee-o-pee has entered the chat

timberly has entered the chat

Eyelias has entered the chat

MiChaEl has entered the chat

gerry: why, exactly

Eyelias: I don’t have anything to apologize for.

parapsychologay: i am not talking to you elias. in fact i am never talking to you :)

Eyelias: Rude.

parapsychologay: what are you going to do?

parapsychologay: fire me? :)

Eyelias is typing…

Eyelias has left the chat

timberly: fuck yeah marto

timberly: rhe only thing fired were those SHOTS

parapsychologay: haha thanks, being trapped by an evil worm hive for a week gets rid of a lot of your filter

Jon: How about we go back to the part where Martin was saying you should all apologize to me?

parapsychologay: right yes. so: i understand that you all up and ghosted Jon for my benefit, and it is true that he’s often a bit of a prick

Jon: This does not feel like you’re defending me.

parapsychologay: BUT, this time his prick behaviour had good intentions. he did actually give me good advice :)

ka-lee-o-pee: … jon why didn’t you TELL us that?

Jon: You were avoiding me.

ka-lee-o-pee: it would’ve been quite easy though

ka-lee-o-pee: you just had to initiate a social interaction, and okay i hear what i’m saying, jon can’t do that

ka-lee-o-pee: sorry jon :(

ka-lee-o-pee changed their name to jon defender

jon defender: this stays until you do something else dumb.

timberly: im also sorry but i won’t change my name

gerry: yeah, sorry. however you are enough of an asshole normally that you can see why we assumed, right?

Jon: Yes.

mIchAel: apologies Archivist :} but also i will do it again if you are horrible to martin blackwood once more

timberly: that goes for all of us tbh

parapsychologay: aw thanks guys :)

~

DIRECT MESSAGING

9:57am

gerry: hey I wanted to talk to you

miChaEl: I am across the room, we can talk in real liFe you know

gerry: i’d prefer not

gerry: because more specifically, i’d like to apologize, and i dont know if you’d want to talk about this in public

mIchAeL: ? what for ?

gerry: i called you michael shelley yesterday, and i think that led to you kind of just feeling like shite the whole day. identity and whatnot

MiChaeL: oh

miCHAel: well, it contriButed !

MIChaeL: but sometiMes bad days arE juSt bad days }: it woulD have been onE either way

gerry: oh

mIchAel: but thank you for the apologY gerry keay :}

gerry: no problem

gerry: but… thats the other thing

gerry: i don’t actually mind if you call me my full name, but it’d be nice if you could call me Gerry Delano. i’m in my mother’s book, but i am not part of her life anymore

gerry: and identity matters to humans, after all

MiChAeL: okay 

michael: gerry delano :}

gerry: :)

~

DIRECT MESSAGING

10:37am

spiderwife: i have a message for you

timberly: i am NOT having another monstrous being DM me no thank you

timberly: fuckhands mcmikey is nice but you’ve got spider in your name

spiderwife: calm down. you’re calm.

timberly: i’m calm.

timberly: HEY

spiderwife: will you please just let me give my message?

timberly: i don’t seem to have a choice, so i guess so.

spiderwife: it’s from my girlfriend. she says she’s sorry for what she did to your life

spiderwife: and that since she has to change around her ritual in a way that will postpone it for quite a few years anyway, she might as well give you a tip

spiderwife: there’s a table. in artifact storage. it’s got a nice little web all over it and it’s quite hypnotizing to look at

timberly: i’ve seen it, i think

spiderwife: put it somewhere secure. far, far away from people and even the other artifacts

spiderwife: do NOT smash it or wreck it in any way

spiderwife: and do not ever let anyone be alone around it

timberly is typing…

timberly: do I want to know?

spiderwife: probably not. all that matters is it can kill anyone you love and make it so you never remembered them in the first place.

timberly: oh.

spiderwife: and one more thing: just… take polaroids. i know it’s weird. if i were a creature better suited for saying things simply, i could explain why. but take polaroids of your friends. it’s worth it

timberly: um. thank you, spiderwife. and thank your girlfriend? whoever she is

spiderwife: you’re welcome, but i’m just the messenger. and her name is Nikola.

timberly: oh.

timberly: well.

timberly: tell her i don’t forgive her.

spiderwife: she doesn’t expect that you would.

timberly: but that i say thank you, still.

spiderwife: i will

spiderwife: ::::)

Chapter Text

SERVER: AVATARS

Channel: Chatting (2:07pm)

gerry has entered the chat

gerry: i have a philosophical question

catboy has entered the chat

catboy: Oh. You again.

gerry: yes. i am in this server

catboy: regrettably

clowncore has entered the chat

mIchAeL has entered the chat

spiderwife has entered the chat

clowncore: Go Away Elias ! He Is More Interesting Than You !

spiderwife: can confirm, i watch them both

gerry: concerning

mIchAel: Ask youR question, gerry delano :}

gerry: what entity am i even connected to at this point

gerry: i work for the eye

catboy: Unfortunately.

gerry: i “live” inside an artifact of the end

gerry: and the distortion itself now dating me has to count for something

spiderwife: hello???

MiCHaeL: no comment .

clowncore: Congrats, Homo !

gerry: thank you

gerry: so, what exactly am i?

spiderwife: i mean, there’s not a rule that you can only be connected to one entity

spiderwife: is there, elias? ::::)

catboy: There is not. You are allied with all three.

spiderwife: alright then

spiderwife changed gerry’s name to triple threat

triple threat: no no that brings me to my next point, i am not ALLIED with a single one of these motherfuckers

triple threat: spiral eye end i don’t care. they can piss off (sorry michael)

mIchAel: no i agree somewhat :}

triple threat: anyway so

triple threat: does this make me a double agent?

triple threat: … could i do that for all of them?

spiderwife: well, you shouldn’t, probably

spiderwife: but it would be really really really funny, and i think you should start with the web

spiderwife: hold on.

DIRECT MESSAGING

2:16pm

spiderwife: if you want to be web but not Web, you’ve got to just do small manipulation

spiderwife: silly fun manipulation ::::)

spiderwife: GOOD manipulation!

gerry: only you would talk about good manipulation.

spiderwife: no. no see i have an idea

spiderwife: you know those gay people you work with

gerry: …

spiderwife: sorry. specifically blackwood and the archivist

gerry: oh yeah.

spiderwife: i think you should get them set up! just a wee little bit you know? nudge them in the right direction. pull some strings

gerry is typing…

gerry: i don’t oppose the idea.

spiderwife: excellent. we start scheming now. who knows, maybe you’ll even go full web

gerry: absolutely not.

spiderwife: worth a shot ::::)

GROUP MESSAGING

2:26pm

spiderwife added gerry to the group chat

spiderwife added Jonathan Sims to the group chat

spiderwife added Blackwood, M to the group chat

Jonathan Sims: What is this?

spiderwife: web group chat

spiderwife: i’d make it a full server but i don’t feel like it

Jonathan Sims: I am not Web aligned. Neither are Martin nor Gerry.

gerry: i want to be. just enough to piss it off

gerry: the web can think. the web has feelings on some level. i can make the web itself hate me almost as much as i hate jurgen leitner

spiderwife: oooh i should kill him

gerry: please do

Blackwood, M: No murder!!

Blackwood, M: anyway, why am I here? I’m not web.

spiderwife: liar

Blackwood, M: I just like spiders :(

spiderwife: you have more web potential than anyone here, but that’s for another day

Blackwood, M: no i don’t!!!

spiderwife: shhh. this chat is for us to all bond ::::3 understand our abilities better ::::3 and become better at stopping rituals if you absolutely must

spiderwife: don’t you want just a bit of control?

Jonathan Sims is typing…

Jonathan Sims: What do you want us to do?

spiderwife: the first step was gerry’s idea, actually. i’ll let him take it away.

gerry is typing…

gerry: y’know that nice little cafe a few blocks from the institute? it’s always given me a bad feeling. desolation, maybe, or slaughter. flesh is also likely but i don’t really want to think about that in a cafe context. i think you and martin should stake it out for an hour or two sometime. see it up close and personal. try and use some charisma to get in the good graces of the owner, for the sake of the institute. i would, but i’m dead, and annabelle would, but annabelle would probably end up turning it into a web stronghold instead or something

Blackwood, M: i’ve seen that cafe before! I never thought it seemed bad :(

spiderwife: hm. maybe you’re even worse at sensing these things than i thought.

Jonathan Sims: If there’s a particularly violent Entity’s location so close by, it would be irresponsible not to take a look, so I suppose we must.

Blackwood, M: fair enough

Blackwood, M: Saturday?

Jonathan Sims: If that works for you.

Blackwood, M: alright then. let’s hope we don’t die :)

DIRECT MESSAGING

2:34pm

spiderwife: you’re a natural

gerry: no. just a quick learner.

spiderwife: you should join us ::::(

gerry: i’m not becoming a spider freak any time soon, sorry. but i do think this is fun.

spiderwife: i’ll take it ::::)

gerry is typing…

gerry: ::::)

Chapter Text

When Jon and Martin pull up to that supposedly evil cafe, the building is incredibly quaint. Too quaint.
“This place is nice!” Martin says to him, stepping out of the cab. “Honestly, I really don’t see what Gerry was talking about at all.”
Jon scoffs. “That must be what they want you to think, then. It’s got to be some festering hellpit in the back room.”
“Well, I like it,” Martin says, rather indignantly.
“Let’s just get inside. And keep your eyes peeled.”
They enter. The cafe smells like warm bread and flowers, and the whole interior is soft pinks, purples, and white. A woman at the front greets them brightly.
“Hiya! What can I get you two?” she asks. Jon doesn’t feel any strange energy rolling off her in waves like avatars or even victims bring. It’s strange how normal it is.
“The apple fritter looks amazing,” Martin says.
“And you?” She looks at Jon.
“I’ll have a croissant.” He’s flat in tone, just barely scraping into the realm of not rude. Martin gives him a frustrated look, and—in some annoying twinge of guilt—he adds, “And a black coffee,” as if ordering more makes him more pleasant.
They pay and are given their food quickly. For an entity-infested front, he has to admit they have good service.
“The food all smells normal,” Martin notes. “Delicious, actually.”
Jon sighs. “Do you think if we eat it we’ll be burned from the inside out?”
“Honestly, I’m more than willing to try.” Martin takes a bite out of his fritter and smiles. He looks… charming. He swallows, then says, “Definitely worth it if we do.”
Jon sighs again. He’s in a sighing mood. He tries his croissant. He has to admit, it’s pretty damn good. “Not half bad,” he says, taking another bite.
“It’s a shame this place is probably evil,” Martin laments. “I like cafes, but I never have time to go.” He pauses. “Or anyone to go with.”
He’s being charming again. Jon doesn’t know exactly when that feeling started entering his mind; some mix between Martin’s melodramatic acting in their Discord DMs and his barely-disguised disgust as he politely drank Jon’s shitty tea had hypnotized him. It was unsettling.
“I’d like to go to cafes with you,” Jon says, before the thought has really solidified as a good or bad idea inside his head.
Martin cocks his head. “Like… on dates? Friendship dates?” He sounds almost like he wants to laugh.
Jon feels his face flush. “Call it that if you must,” he mutters. “Yes. Something like… dates.” He holds his chin up higher, and takes a sip of his coffee, before adding, “I don’t dislike your presence as much as I may have put forward in the past.”
“You have me smitten.”
Jon flushes more. “Focus, Martin, we should be paying attention to any signs.”
Martin is smiling, and Jon doesn’t entirely know why, but it’s nice enough to see that he feels some pride at being the potential source. He realizes after a second that he’s staring and he starts, drinking more coffee as he looks around the room with hair-trigger suspicion. There’s a crack in the top right corner of one of the walls—a sign of the Desolation, perhaps? One could never be too cautious.
His phone buzzes and he jumps. He opens it to see a message from Gerry:
gerry: hows your date going?
Strange. He shoots a quick message back.
Jonathan Sims: I’m working, Gerry. With Martin.
gerry: mhm.
Jonathan Sims: I really don’t understand what you’re insinuating.
“Everything good?” Martin asks, and Jon’s head shoots up.
“Yes,” he says, with slight irritation in his voice. “Gerry is being… odd.”
Martin laughs. It sounds nice. “That’s our Gerard, isn’t it?” He sets his attention back on his food, almost done. “God, this fritter really is to die for.”
gerry: do u honestly think that fucking cafe is haunted
gerry: that pink ass cafe
gerry: that cafe that could not be more positive if it tried
Jonathan Sims: Anything this overtly positive is suspicious.
gerry: you are on a date right now sims
gerry: enjoy the consequences of believing me when i say things. Enjoy the consequences of believing ANNABELLE when she says things
Jon sighs, putting his phone back into his pocket.
“What’s he saying?” Martin asks.
Jon opens his mouth to explain—then stops. You are on a date right now, Sims. Like Gerry’s voice was in his ear, he hears an additional, don’t fuck it up? and he says, “He is simply bullying me. Per usual. I’ve elected to ignore him. It’s more fulfilling to be talking to you, anyway.”
Martin laughs. “Glad I’m more fulfilling than being bullied.”
Before he knows it, Jon finds himself smiling back.
They end up ordering more food, and the afternoon slips by as they chat. Soon enough, it’s been over an hour, and Jon has decided that he is not very mad at Gerry at all. They eventually call for a cab, and as they’re waiting outside, Jon summons the urge to say something.
“You know,” he says, feeling altogether too focused on when Martin’s eyes land on his, “they don’t have to be friendship dates.”
“Hm?” Martin asks.
“If you want us to go to cafes together.” Jon clears his throat. “They could just be dates.”
The corner of Martin’s mouth twitches upward. “You’re an intriguing person, Jonathan Sims.”
Defensiveness shoots up Jon’s throat. “What does that mean?”
Martin laughs. “Calm down. It means I’d quite like it if they were just dates, Jon.” He shoves him lightly, the fabric of his coat sleeve rustling against Jon’s shirt. “Ideally at places that are not supposedly housing Entities.” Jon notes that that supposedly is very light in tone, and wonders if Martin has believed for a single second that anything is actually in this cafe. (He hopes not.)
Their cab pulls up, and Martin is still smiling when they get in.
It’s nice.
-
DIRECT MESSAGING
3:30pm
gerry: i saw them hold hands when they walked into the institute
gerry: for jon i think that’s actually marriage
spiderwife: like i said, you’re a natural ::::)
gerry: to be honest, i don’t think i had to do much work. Jon’s kind of a loser, but he’s an endearing loser.
spiderwife: true enough. But you gave them a little push. That’s what we’re good at.
gerry: i’m definitely still not joining you
gerry: but honestly it was fun to get them to take their heads out of their asses and i appreciate you convincing me to take that opportunity
spiderwife: ::::)
spiderwife: are we becoming friends, Gerry Delano?
Gerry is typing…
gerry: maybe we are.
spiderwife: ::::)
gerry: ::::)