Chapter Text
The room is coated in the warm orange tinge of the sun. Not one inch of the space is left untouched by the rays. It's so beautiful that you lay in the well-made bed, bathing in its golden glory. It makes you feel warm without being warm itself. On the other side of the room, Matty plops his bags onto the ground and inspects the bathroom.
It's been a week since you rekindled the light dimming from inside. Things seem to have gotten better. For once, you felt like you didn't need to ask for the affection you craved from him.
Matty decided to treat you to a short vacation to the coast. He knows you've longed to be one with the crashing waves and the mostly gray skies that left you with chills. It's been years since you've been and were dying to go but never came around to doing so. You could never afford to make a trip anyways. You assume he planned this gesture to try to cover up the times he's left you feeling cracked and fragile from dropping you. However, it's working a bit.
The two of you are cooped up in your room, with the sounds of the water moving in unison with the world around it that creeps in from your balcony. The slight winds make their way in and provide you with a breath of fresh air. The salt in the air only fills you with joy.
While you sprawl across the bed, Matty slips beside you, tangling with you. All you wanted was to share this moment with him, which you need.
Matty can't help but become lost in your paradise, from the lines that make up your figure to your slight giggles from touching your stomach. You make him feel so soft. He's unsure if he hates it, but he definitely doesn't hate you.
The palm of your hands fits nicely into his. He wants to be gentle with you. Matty can't afford to treat you in such harsh manners, he is too afraid he will break you for one last time. His fingers linger over your arm, feeling the grooves in your skin, taking in every part you offer. His touch leaves you with goosebumps, and you just smile in response, letting him continue. Matty feels each one, almost as if he's experiencing it for the first time. He enjoys everything that makes up you and can't help but take it all in. As he stares at you, he wonders how he can break something that he loves so much. He never wanted to do this to you, but it was inevitable. He knows that you feel the same. It was never blamed on you.
There were times you both lost your mind, leaving you both raw and vulnerable. You're both slowly tearing each other down with your flaws, feeling like there's nothing left but rubble by the time you're done crying to each other. Still, you'll come close, saying it will be fine, grabbing each other almost as if you're about to lose them.
Before you both really got to know each other, it was a completely different experience, and it was just as thrilling and left each other speechless. Except there was no pain.
You would look at him with bright eyes as you took his hand, running down the streets to absolutely nowhere. Or when you randomly show up at his place, completely drenched in water from walking, only to ask him to dance in the rain with you. Though you never told him, he made you feel so alive. It was all new, and you've never experienced such a rush from being with someone. You made him feel just as alive. His heart would skip just one beat every time you touched him, whether it was your hand against his face (which he especially loved) or brushing his hands with yours. You were so..mysterious, something he couldn't figure out.
Until he did.
Matty reaches for your hand beside you and brings it to his chest. In response, you reach for his other hand and bring it to yours. This makes you awkwardly twist and face each other as you lay on your sides. No one says anything as you both stare.
Everything you two do reminds him of the beginning. Like when you got too drunk, and he was too scared to drink in front of you, it ended up in him supervising you. You were pink in the face, and everything almost sent you into a fit of laughter. Most of the night, you showed Matty your favorite songs, explaining the meaning behind each one. Matty never once split his attention, listening to everything you had to say. Anytime Matty would express even remotely liking a song; you would jump up and down and beg him to dance with you. The most he did was move his head and occasionally tap his foot. Eventually, you became tired of being the only one jamming out, so you decided to pull Matty onto the table as you danced away.
You didn't consider yourself a good dancer, but you continued to do so like no one was watching. It mainly consisted of you swaying back and forth and flailing your arms, sometimes spicing it up with a twirl here and there. 'That's not a good idea, babe.' He chimed in, continuing to let you lead him. You didn't say a word as you pulled him close, your back pressed against him, wrapping his arms around you as you swayed to the rhythm. Though it not being a good idea, he continued to move with you. The music continued to slowly build up to the bridge, which was your favorite part. You quickly pulled away to try to face him, but you accidentally slipped, leading you both to crash onto the floor.
The fall was hard, and it hurt like a bitch. Matty ended up right beside you, groaning in response. Blood was rushing throughout your body, and your chest would come up and fall quickly as you were out of breath. As you looked to the side, Matty's eyes had met with yours. He didn't say a word as he winced, but you knew that he was telling you, 'I told you so.'
You couldn't help but let out a laugh at the stupidity of it all. He was right, but you didn't care. Matty had given you a confused look, wondering what was so funny. 'What is it?' He kept asking. You never responded but only turned to look at him while you were still lying down. Both of your hands found each other, and you gripped him so tight as if you were holding on for dear life. The light in your eyes was brighter than ever, and Matty swore he'd seen a star right in front of him that night. You were the skies on a clear night, and he was lying underneath you, connecting the stars and the planets.
The music continued to play, but neither of you were listening. His head was pounding, along with his heart. For a moment, as Matty stared at your glowing face, time had stopped.
He realized that he wanted to lay beside you each night and each morning. On the sunny days, the gloomy, the cold, the warm, the best, and the worst. Though, he never had any idea how draining it could be for both of you.
Matty continues to reflect on these past moments as he holds you close to him. He only pulls you tighter, afraid to let you go.
"Ow, Matthew!" You yelp. He was crushing your arms with his grip, and you quickly pull away from him. "What are you doing?" You didn't come off as angry or irritated but confused as to why he was squeezing you like a body pillow.
His eyes widen a bit as he pulls his arms back, retracting as if he just got in trouble. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was hurting you." His face relaxes and becomes soft as he pulls you in again, hugging you as a way to apologize. Physical affection was always something you enjoyed, so Matty always made sure to leave you feeling like no part of you was left lonely.
It's weird how he never wants to hurt you, but it always happens. And when it's something small, like squeezing you too hard, he panics and tries to fix it as quickly as possible. But when it comes to his habits or how he hurts you emotionally, he's painfully unaware, and if he is, he's not sober enough to mend your wounds.
Whenever you both come together, neck hanging from neck, breathing each other in and out, he realizes he doesn't want to waste his life without you. At his lowest points, he wants you there. At your lowest points, he wants to be there. Even though it only breaks you both down, he can't get enough of you. But he realizes that the more he wants you, the further away he pushes.
Clearly, Matty didn't hurt you enough as you continued to sit in the crook of his neck. The bed feels like you're floating in the clouds, far away from everything that could hurt either of you.
You slowly close your eyes, listening to the squawking of the seagulls and humming of the cars that are coming to and from the beach. Matty does the same, taking a moment to appreciate that his thoughts are, for once, quiet.
Suddenly, you break the silence, "We should go to the beach." You say, a bit of excitement in your voice.
"We just got here, don't you want to just relax?" Matty asks, "We have all week to go." He didn't mind going to the beach, but he just wanted to keep you to himself for a little longer.
When he's not drinking himself away during his downtime or occasionally out with his friends, he realizes that he's pretty lonely. There's nothing but four walls and a voice inside his head. But he's never felt lonely with you around.
He swears that you dragged him head first, completely engulfed by your waves, almost drowning. They were so powerful, yet so gentle with him simultaneously. He wanted nothing more than to swim for hours, feeling each ripple and bubble.
You quickly prop yourself up so that you are propped up by one arm as you peer down at Matty, still lying down. As soon as you guys arrived at the small beach town, you wanted to walk around and explore. In response to his repercussions, you shake your head no and excuse yourself from the bed.
Matty sighs in defeat and listens to the sounds of your footsteps disappearing and the bathroom door closing. It's soft to say, but he wants to be by your side. He wants to make it all up to you. Guilt consumes him and leaves him feeling like there's a dark cloud hanging above his head every minute of the day. He can't even look at you sometimes because he's disgusted by the way he treated you, words and all.
The colors of your eyes mix nicely with each sunset and sunrise. Touching you feels like running a hand through the light clouds and disappearing between the fingers. Vibrations in your voice awaken this part of Matty he never knew was there until you came along.
Though, you can be just as dark. There are times when you're pitch black, not a single light in sight to illuminate you. It's a complete change of scenery compared to the warm days and flowers that grew beneath you. Nothing grew, and the days were cold.. It was like you were a whole different person. And Matty would be lying if he said that it didn't frighten him.
The two of you were together for a few months, and everything seemed to be falling into place. When you're together, the moon rises, and the stars align. Matty never knew he could feel so strongly about another human. Something about you was different, and he couldn't get enough. Despite this, he never asked you who you were.
Matty dealt with his issues. He never really came to terms with it, so it was always pushed to the side. Never knowing exactly what made him feel the way he does, it was drowned out with endless rounds of alcohol and late-night walks. When you came along, he stumbled into you and was enthralled by your aura. Your eyes gleamed when Matty asked you what brought you to the house party he was invited to. There was so much passion and emotion in everything that you did, even just listening to his tipsy rambles. He never wanted to look or see anything ever since he came across you. You filled those dark days with your light. It's almost as if you placed a blanket over the sharp edges he had.
There were times you slipped between his fingers and right out the door after a long night of whispers and exploring each other. Matty would reach out and ask if everything was alright, if he pushed his limits, touched a part of you that was too much. You would always tell him that it was nothing and that he didn't do anything wrong. He never believed you.
There were days you two would be sprawled across the grass, feeling time pass as you would talk about nonsense. It would get to sensitive topics, leaving you to become teary-eyed and avoiding eye contact with him. He still didn't think you were alright.
Then one day, Matty pulled away. Life was getting rough, and he questioned his own existence. Even with you in mind, he was clouded with nothing but defeat and cynicism. In response, you pulled even further. But not without a fight.
Pacing back and forth, you started to claw at your face slowly. It's a total mess, and you swear your world is splitting in two. Matty is watching you, horror on his face as he attempted to comfort you. He was panicking, hoping you'd stop hurting yourself and just listen to him.
'You're leaving me,' You exclaim, throwing your head back as the tears rush down your face. You felt like everything was collapsing around you, leaving you in the rubble of it all. 'Everyone leaves me, and you're no different!' At that point, you were pulling at your hair as you were confused, hurt, and unsure of what to do. How do you even react when the one thing that kept you going is slipping from your grip?
'No, that's not what I'm saying. Please listen to me!' Matty pleaded, grabbing one of your wrists and holding it tight. He looked at you with wide eyes. 'Just calm down!"
You struggle, trying to become free from his grip. 'Don't touch me!' You had barely got out the words as sobs made their way in between.
Matty was not even sure why you were freaking out, and he had no idea how to handle you at this point. He had called you over to talk about why he was so distant. Not good with words and suggesting that it was best for a short time apart, you just broke down. It didn't help that you were just as depressed as he was. All you wanted was someone to be with you in your darkest times, someone to hold you and tell you that everything is okay, that they loved you.
It wasn't that Matty didn't love you. You're the one person Matty could confidently say that he genuinely cared about. But, you had never felt secure in your guys' relationship. Every time Matty would look at you, you were convinced he was looking at all your tainted walls, each flaw that overshadowed everything. Or when Matty would tell you how much he likes you, you would convince yourself he may just be saying things as if he were settling for you. It annoyed him that you would never believe him. You were convinced you were the reason he wanted to spend time away from you.
It was like losing the taste of heaven, the wishes that had been granted after years of praying, the first breath of air from being underwater. You couldn't come to terms with being left. Again. Matty had already marked you like a scar and would always remind you of what you once had. You didn't want to let it go, but you knew that you would have to.
During the night, you continued to cry, even though you knew it was pathetic. The emotions were too strong for you to swallow. Embarrassment isn't even enough to describe how you felt breaking down in front of him. It's almost as if your trauma had clawed its way to the top and taken over all rational thinking. Everyone leaves you. And it hurts. Over time, as it kept happening, whether it was with platonic or romantic relationships, you grew weaker. These failed relationships only convinced you that you were the problem—the common denominator.
Matty always thinks back to this moment. It's a reminder to him that you're wounded. This was the night that Matty had seen that you were human and that you came with baggage too. Though he never let it define you. But it did scare him.
Over time, he slowly lost himself from caring for you. He grew weaker with each time he had to remind you that you were okay. He loved you so much that it was worth the hours of comforting. Those times when you became lost in your head and overthinking didn't define your relationship, but it did make it difficult.
And you could say the same for Matty.
Arguing was something you guys had a specialty for. It seemed it would start because one person did something, and it would continue until one person gave up, giving in to their weakness. But when you two argued, you never held back. Words would shoot into the other's back, leaving them impaled by the hurtful words that can't be taken back. This was especially true for Matty. At times, he would use how you felt against you as if he wanted a reaction out of you. Other times, he would say it out of frustration, questioning if you were right.
You two come back like lost puppies. It would be like nothing happened. Somehow, it made you come closer. Something about you has got a hold on him, but that's okay.
As you're changing in the bathroom, Matty gets up and stares at your bag that sits on the floor. The memories that are being recalled lead him to feel nauseous. He has a guilty conscience.
The door opens, and you step out in shorts and a sweatshirt. You smile as you see Matty watching you. "You ready? I don't want to spend all day here."
"Don't you think that outfit is a bit contradictory?" Matty crosses his arms, almost inspecting you.
You playfully throw your hand at him as you grab the hotel key and shove it in your pocket.
You were impatient as you had already told Matty your plan. You raise your eyebrows at him as he still sits on the bed.
"Hey," Matty's voice is soft, "Can I ask you something?" He sits quietly, staring right back at you.
In response, your stomach drops. What is he going to ask? Is there already an issue? Does he realize that you two shouldn't be here and that he should try to break up with you again?
Though that may be true, as every time you're with Matty, you only become closer to him, and it's harder to break away. But you don't want it to be, and you surely don't want Matty to break away from you.
You walk closer to him and grab that hand that he dropped. "Of course, what is it?" You gently ask and sit beside him. The wind continues to whisper and brings in a breeze that makes you slightly shiver. Matty turns to his side to look at you. His eyes still have a bit of light in them, so that must be a good sign. Still, your stomach starts to hurt. You hate confrontation, and yet both of you are continuously back and forth.
"Do you think…" His voice trails off, and his eyes linger on the walls behind you. It seems like he can't bring the words to his mouth; they're scratching at his throat, wanting to be free.
You continue to watch him, knowing that he's avoiding asking the question. You do that most of the time, but you absolutely hate when Matty does the same. Both of you are hypocritical. It's frustrating, but you could argue that it adds more to your relationship. At least, those are the excuses you tell yourself in the sleepless nights and choked-up sobs.
"Forget it." Matty finally gives up and shakes his head to reassure you it's nothing. This is usually when you become frustrated and demand that he tells you. But you want to go on a walk, so you let it be.
"You're still not ready." You remark, dropping his hand and getting up to the door. "So hurry up so we can go." A smile appears on your face as you try to hide your sadness.
Matty gives you a weary smile as he slips on his shoes, then follows you out the door.
Matty wonders how long he could keep this going. He's just as tired as you are. But walking with you offers a path that he wants to follow, somewhere just the two of you.
You lead him somewhere where it is all simple, somewhere to go where he is confused, scared, and angry at the world. He wants to go wherever you go, even if it bruises him in the process.