Chapter Text
Based on what Sergeant Grey told Lucy when she was still in the hospital, she understood that getting back to work at Mid-Wilshire would take some time.
She expects a healthy amount of hard work. Dedication to her physical and mental health. Retraining her body to shoot a gun and jump over a fence. Find her sanity and ways to beat back the feeling that she will never be safe again for the second time in her life. Because if she’s going to be a cop again, then she needs to get right with herself again before she hits the streets. Or it could end badly for herself, her fellow officers, and the citizens she’s sworn to protect.
Even though she’s prepared for it, getting through the first few weeks is more difficult than she imagined. At first, it makes her feel weak. After that feeling settles, her lack of progress pisses her off. Her body doesn’t function like it used to, and the nightmares plague her (and Tim, which she tries not to think about) more nights than not.
At least she has the whole Mid-Wilshire crew behind her, supporting her through every hurdle.
It also helps that everyone is more than willing to do what they can to get her where she needs to be. They encourage her every day and go out of their way to show her that she isn’t alone. That she will find a way back to herself.
Lopez takes her to the range for practice after she’s been home for two and a half weeks.
Before they go, Tim says that he thinks it’s too soon.
Lucy tells him, “I need to get re-certified eventually. Besides, if Margaret shows up, then Lopez will be there to protect me from getting kidnapped a third time. Because I’d definitely end up dead for real after that.”
He does not find this funny.
Mostly because Leveaux’s second-in-command, Margaret Keller, is still out there. She is probably doing her best to pick up the pieces of the heavy blow her criminal empire took. Lucy isn’t afraid of her. Not because she underestimates her but rather because there is very little left in this world that can scare Lucy.
Tim just gives Angela a long look. “Don’t push her too hard.”
Lucy protests, looking at Lopez, “Don’t listen to him. You push me as hard as you can.” She turns back to Tim. “I can handle a little target practice.”
He makes a face, and she expects him to argue more, but then he admits, “I know.”
“Good.” Lucy gives him a gloating smile. “Because I intend to reclaim my legacy as a Mid-Wilshire shooting champ.”
He does seem more accepting after that, so she knows she’s won.
But when she gets a gun in her hand for the first time in a year and a half, she isn’t so sure of herself.
It impacts her shooting in more ways than one. Lopez arranged for them to have privacy at the range. Lucy is thankful for the lack of an audience. Anyone passing by would think that she’d never held a gun before. After she goes through her first magazine, she sets it down.
“The skills will come back,” Angela assures her.
Lucy looks over at her. “Are you sure?” She hesitates, and it’s enough of an answer to make Lucy add, with no small amount of bitterness, “I can’t let them take this from me, too.”
Lopez replies, “Don’t let them, then.”
“I don’t how to…” Lucy trails off, fully intending to finish.
Only she has no idea where she’s going with that.
“Look,” Angela cuts her off, “I know it feels impossible right now, but it won’t always. Maybe it’s going to take longer than you thought, but that’s normal, okay?”
Lucy shakes her head. “I don’t want to be normal .”
Lopez doesn’t give in, though. “Well, tough. Unfortunately, we don’t yet have actual superpowers. Until we do, you’re going to have to settle for normal. And all that comes with it.” She finishes, “Now, do you want to sulk some more or keep practicing?”
It would be easy to walk away, she knows. It might even feel nice. To just abandon her journey of going back to being a cop. Seek out some simple life for herself. The kind that wouldn’t land her in danger. Instead, she could give herself endless time to heal fully.
Whether or not it’s the right thing for her in the long run, there’s only one decision Lucy wants to make at that moment.
She picks up the gun and allows Angela to coach her a bit more thoroughly this time around.
They spend the next two hours working things out. Lopez has her run-through drills from the academy. At first, Lucy wants to rebuff her, but eventually, she realizes Angela is right to do it. Because while there is plenty she needs to improve on, there are also parts of her training that are still ingrained in her. Pieces that she doesn’t think she could root out even if she wanted to. In finding them, she’s comforted by the thought that she isn’t all gone. She’s still her . Maybe a version that doesn’t make sense to her yet or one that feels jagged and hollow. Maybe even one that she wants to put behind her someday in a far-off future. For now, she’ll settle for recognizing herself.
Her aim still leaves something to be desired, but just as she starts to lose hope, she gains it back.
When Lucy hits the center target as their time at the range is about to end, Lopez grins.
“See? I knew you could do it.”
Lucy keeps her eyes trained on the target, almost as if she isn’t sure she can believe it.
“Hey,” Angela says, softer, “I know it doesn’t feel like it should be a big deal, but it is.”
Lucy’s mouth twists, and she hates herself for feeling so vulnerable and exposed.
“I just wish I wasn’t so…”
“I know,” she cuts her off again.
Lucy looks over at her. “That’s the thing. I’m not sure you do. I’m not sure anyone does.”
Angela switches tactics. “How are you sleeping?”
Lucy frowns. “Did Tim say something?”
She studies her face for a second before admitting, “We both know he would never, but I can’t but notice both of you seem more than a little tired lately.” When Lucy doesn’t answer that, she goes on, “We all want what is good for you. That’s it.”
“I know,” Lucy responds. “It’s just…It’s not easy for me to talk about it. And Tim…”
She can’t explain exactly why Tim is different without revealing too much about herself. Too many painful, awful thoughts. Ones that she’s ashamed of, but not nearly as much as she should be. Because there are things she shouldn’t be thinking or doing, but she can’t stop herself.
Ever since that first night at Tim’s house when she woke up from a nightmare, she’s slept in his bed with him. They haven’t talked about it. He’s never pressed or asked her why she needs it. And she hasn’t brought up the fact that having him beside her is the only thing that’s helping her get any sleep at all.
She knows she can’t admit what’s going on inside her head to anyone. Not even Tim. It doesn’t help that she hardly understands so much of what she’s feeling. She wishes she could open up, all the same. But the only person she wants to tell any of it to is Tim, and she refuses to put another burden on him. Especially one he never asked for or probably even wants.
Lopez doesn’t demand an answer from her, though. “I just want to make sure you know that you have all of us.”
Lucy realizes then what she means. “You think I should move out of Tim’s place? I can, of course. I only moved in with him in the first place after he insisted, I promise. I know he doesn’t…I mean, when he ended things before…I know it’s not like that…I mean…I’m not…”
She swallows thickly, unable to finish that thought. It hurts far too much to just think about it. During the early days and weeks of her captivity, her and Tim’s last conversation played on a loop in her mind. She was unable to escape it. Then, as time went on, her feelings about it all changed. She became hopeless and despairing over it. She found ways of making it her fault.
Then she was angry with him. For ruining what they had. And then, almost unforgivably, she began to blame Tim for her ‘death.’ She wasn’t just angry. On the worst days, she hated him for their breakup. But more than she blamed him for her finding herself a prisoner, she hated him for simply not loving her back.
Now that she’s back, all of her emotions feel as if they’ve gone through a blender, chopped up so much that they’re unrecognizable. Her memories and feelings are all out of order. She doesn’t know how to make sense of them. Or where to begin understanding Tim’s behavior since she’s been back.
He’s been kind, resilient, and steadfast. All the things that led to her falling in love with him. He might even be acting more attentive than he was when they were together.
She just doesn’t understand why he’s being so good to her after he told her he didn’t love her.
It makes her question their breakup more than ever.
Angela must feel bad because she tries to make it better, even though it’s not her fault. “Lucy…I don’t think you should move out of Tim’s until you’re ready to. Everyone understands.” And then, she surprises her. “But I think you should talk to Tim about this. About what happened before you…” She pauses. “Before you left. And what happened after. I think there are some things that he needs to find a way to tell you.”
Lucy doesn’t understand, and she hates how it’s starting to feel like a regular part of her life. “I know he feels guilty for what happened, but we all know it wasn’t his fault. I don’t want him to blame himself more than anyone else.”
Angela says, “I know. We all do. That’s not what I meant, though, about talking to Tim.”
Lucy feels like she’s missing a major piece of whatever happened during the time when everyone thought she was dead, and the more she tries to figure it out, the harder it is to get a grasp on it.
The whole thing pisses her off, frankly.
Which is when she tells Lopez, “Well, that’s none of your business. I know you want to help, that all of you do, but there are some things that I need to do on my own.”
Angela doesn’t let her off that easily just yet. “It might not be my business, but he is my best friend. He’s my family. And I care about you, too. I wouldn’t be pushing so hard if I didn’t think—”
But Lucy can’t let it go any further. “I understand, and I appreciate it. But I’ll work it out by myself.” When she looks like she might interject again, she continues, “It’s fine. Really.”
Lopez doesn’t want to let it go, but she must decide that it isn’t worth it. However, Lucy is sure that this isn’t the end of the conversation. Angela will never truly let it go until they have a real conversation about it. Eventually, Lucy will be forced to talk about Tim with her.
She just hopes she can figure out what the hell is going on between them before she does.
Tim wishes he could tell Lucy he loves her more and more with every passing day. He wants her to know how strong she is, though she should already be sure about that. He wants to tell her that she’s just about the most impressive person he’s ever met. He needs her to know that he lied in her apartment when he broke up with her. He does love her. More than he ever thought possible.
He needs her to hear he loves her, that he’s in love with her, and will never stop, no matter what happens.
But he never lets himself get past the initial desire before he shuts it down.
He doesn’t have a right to say it to her anymore. Maybe not ever. Definitely not now that he’s realizing the extent of what her time as a prisoner has done to her. In a different world, he might’ve had the chance to tell her just how much he cares for her. How she brightened his life and changed him forever. How, when he lets himself be honest, he knows that she saved him.
They’re not in that other world, though.
Instead, they’re stuck in this one. And there is no escape from his guilt over the fact that what happened to her is his fault. Nor is there a reprieve for Lucy from what she went through. He will be there for her in all the ways that count. But he won’t ask for more than she can give or what he deserves.
That doesn’t mean he gets to hide from how he feels from everyone else, though.
“You need to talk to Lucy,” Lopez says without hesitation a few days after she takes Lucy for shooting practice.
Their shift started less than two hours ago, and he and Aaron have already been saddled with a mountain of paperwork. Enough that he feels bad enough to help him out. He isn’t in the mood to give in to her whims.
“About what, exactly? Because we’ve already figured out what we’re doing for dinner.”
He tries his best not to let her know just how much a small routine nearly makes his heart stop. Just a few weeks ago, he thought he would never see Lucy again, let alone do something as normal as splitting a pizza together. It’s no small miracle that she’s back, and he doesn’t want to waste a second of it. So, if she wants to eat from his least favorite pizza place or watch romcoms and cringe-worthy reality TV, then he’ll go along with all of it.
But that doesn’t mean he’s going to change his mind about telling Lucy how he feels.
Only Angela doesn’t give up. “You can play that card with anyone else but not me.”
Tim still doesn’t look up from his paperwork. “I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She takes a seat opposite him. “Dammit, Tim. I know you think that you’re doing the right thing here, but I can tell you for certain that you aren’t.”
He makes a face. “Look, I know you think you understand, but you don’t. You didn’t see her when I broke up with her. When I lied to her about loving her. You didn’t break her heart and tell her to go on a mission where she was a captive for over a year and almost died. You didn’t hurt her the way I did. You’re trying to help. I get it. But I won’t change my mind.”
Much to his disdain, she still refuses to let it go. “I know all of that, Tim. Because you’ve spent the last five-hundred-plus days blaming yourself. I’ve seen how much you’ve punished yourself for lying to her. Telling her the truth won’t take that away. It won’t erase all the pain both of you still feel. But it is worth it.”
She sighs. “You’re so caught up in your guilt that you’re not seeing what Lucy could want or even need from you
now
.”
Without his permission, her words take hold. He lets himself actually think about what she’s saying. If she might even have a point. He can’t fully believe it. Not yet.
He sets his pen down and looks up at her. “How can you be so sure?”
He hates how desperate he sounds, but there’s no way for him to cover it up without revealing even more of his emotions.
She turns sympathetic. “Because…I just see it. When we were at the range, I tried to talk to her about it.”
Tim can believe it, but he wishes she hadn’t done it.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he asks, surprising them both with the amount of emotions behind it. “She hasn’t even been back a month. She deserves more time to settle back into her life. She doesn’t need to be burdened with my feelings. Seriously, Angela, I—”
“Enough.” She holds up a hand to silence him. “Maybe I did intervene too soon, but it’s hard to watch both of you. I mean that as someone who cares about you. I see you as my family, Tim. I can’t sit by and watch you keep punishing yourself—keeping her at a distance just because you hurt her in the past. You both want more than that. You deserve better than that.”
“You don’t know what she wants,” he argues. “And I’m in no position to ask. Maybe if things were different, I could. But not as it stands. I know you’re trying to help, but you’re just making it harder for Lucy to—”
“You didn’t see how she reacted when I brought you up,” she interrupts for a second time. “She wanted to tell me more, but she was scared. Even after everything you did to bring her back and what you’ve done since…She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that you love her.”
It’s this that finally causes something inside of him to snap. Because it’s one thing for him to know he can’t tell her. To not force her to deal with it and make a decision about what she wants to do with his feelings. It’s entirely another to understand that she still believes the lies he told her all those months ago.
Lucy deserves so much more than that, but he also knows that no matter what he does, it will never be enough.
“I…” he starts, but it hurts too much to continue going down that road. He shifts his approach. “What would you have me do?”
Once he says it, he realizes he really wants to know. He needs her to tell him what to do. Because there are too many options here. None of which he likes all that much. But he also knows that if Lucy truly doesn’t believe he loves her, then he has to do something to change that.
“Be honest with her,” Angela says.
Like it’s that simple.
Tim knows better, though. Especially when it comes to Lucy. Hell, he isn’t sure if there’s anything more complicated than when it comes to him and Lucy.
“I don’t want to hurt her again.”
Angela doesn’t waver. “I know, but if you don’t start being honest, then you will . You’ll break her heart all over again. And this time, there might not be a second chance. You’ve been granted a miracle, Tim, and I won’t sit by while you waste it.”
He swallows. “You really think she wants to hear it?”
Because for Lucy’s sake and her happiness, he is more than willing to wade through the complicated nature of their relationship. How they ended up where they are now. Even if it means confronting things about himself that he’d prefer not to. Because she is worth it. Maybe even more than just that, he owes it to her.
He won’t put it on her if she doesn’t want it, though.
Angela smiles softly. “Yes, I do.”
He doesn’t know what finally convinces him. If it’s Angela’s belief or his own desire to tell Lucy the truth. All he does is that he comes to it.
He hopes that it’s the right choice and that it’s the one that will prevent any further pain for him or Lucy. There are no certainties, though. He’s learned that much, at least. Particularly in the last year and a half. But it makes him all the more sure that Lucy should hear that he loves her.
If nothing else, then in case a meteor crashes into Earth in the next twenty-four hours or something.
Still, it turns out that’s easier said than done.
Lucy notices Tim acting weird since Lopez took her to the range, and of course, she blames herself at first.
She figures it must be her fault.
After all, she’s the one who swept back into his life. Into his house. As if he didn’t tell her that he didn’t love her. Still. The more time passes, the more she doubts his words. And her memory of it. At the time, she’d been so consumed with pain that she didn’t want to examine it too closely. Then, when she finally did, it was during her captivity, and she wasn’t sure of anything. Especially not his feelings for her.
Now, she’s had time, and what she’s found is confusing and emotional. Because with every minute of Tim being supportive and kind and good to her, she hopes that he loves her, too. That he has all along. Or maybe it took her being gone for him to realize it. She finds she doesn’t care how it happened. The only thing that matters to her is that he does love her.
But none of that explains his sudden awkwardness around her. If there was an awkward period, she thinks it should’ve been right when she first moved in. Not now, weeks later. It makes her doubt her glimmering hope.
It’s enough that people around her pick up on it, as much as she does her best to hide it.
Nyla’s the first to actually ask her directly about it.
“Is something going on that you need to talk about?” she asks.
Which Lucy knows could be about any number of things. Her trauma. Her readjustment to being back. Back in LA, back training to return to work, back to being alive .
She suspects Nyla’s asking her about Tim, though, and is proven right when she tries to assure her, “Tim and I are doing fine.”
Harper just looks at her.
Lucy does her best to hold out, but in the end, she breaks. “Okay, maybe it’s…A little messier than that.”
She doesn’t know if messy is the right word for it, but it’s the one she keeps landing on. For now, it will have to do.
“You don’t say,” Harper says dryly. Lucy winces, and it leads her to continue, “You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to. I’ll understand, but if you need to, then you can with me. I won’t tell anyone else.” She offers a slight smile. “It’s in the vault.”
Lucy pushes through her fears to admit, “I feel like he’s being…I don’t know, exactly. It's like he’s holding something back. And before you say it, I think I know what that something is, but if I’m right, then why hasn’t he said it yet? What’s he waiting for?” She knows she’s asking herself more than Nyla when she finishes, “Does he think that I’ll reject him? That I could, even if I wanted to?”
For a minute, they let her words sit there. Lucy’s grateful for it. The moment gives her time to sift through her feelings. It lets her understand that she does want him to say it. Even if it might hurt a little or not even remotely fix everything. She thinks she’s ready to hear it. She wants to be ready—more than she wants to be whole and healed or completely herself again.
It scares her, in all honesty, but she decides to move past that.
“What are you waiting for?” Harper asks, surprising her. She softens at it. “I just mean…You want to hear it, right? You need to?”
Lucy nods.
“Then what’s stopping you from encouraging the two of you to have an honest conversation? After all, communication goes both ways. Maybe it’s more on him to initiate it, but if he can’t, if he thinks that you don’t want to, then you might never get there. And I don’t think you want that, right?”
Lucy forces herself to consider it. “No,” she decides. “I don’t. I want to talk to him. I just…Don’t know where to begin.”
Harper’s kind but firm when she replies, “Who does? It’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable. Especially after all that you’ve been through. But if you don’t give yourself the chance, then you’ll regret it. Because, at the end of the day, when you keep yourself closed off, you might be protected, but you’re also keeping everyone at a distance. Including the ones that you want to let in the most. Trust me.” She shakes her head. “I might know about that more than anyone else.”
Lucy believes her. It doesn’t erase all of her fears or doubts. It doesn’t make the task of bringing it up to Tim any less daunting. But it does make her realize that she needs to talk to him. Not just because she knows he deserves the chance to be honest but for herself, too. After all that she’s lived through, it would be easy to block out the world. To decide that it simply isn’t worth it.
But Tim is worth it, and she hopes that she is, too, even though it feels scary to do so.
So, she gives Tim a few days to sort through whatever he’s going through. She can only hold out so long before she starts to go a little stir-crazy. Although, that might also have to do with the fact she isn’t yet able to go back to Mid-Wilshire. When he still doesn’t acknowledge his behavior after a week, she decides to confront him.
It doesn’t go as she anticipates, but she ultimately finds she doesn’t care.
“Tim,” she says when she’s gone to his room to sleep for the night. “Can we…” She hesitates, but she manages to find some secret strength within her to keep going, “I need us to address what’s going on with you.”
Tim looks up from where he was turning down the blankets. “Lucy…”
“I need us to,” she cuts him off. “Please.”
A second passes, and then another, and she despairs at the thought that she’s gotten it all wrong. Or, at the very least, that he won’t discuss it. She doesn’t know what she’ll do if he doesn’t meet her halfway. If they can’t find a way to really talk about the two of them—whatever they are now—for the first time since she’s been back.
But then he breathes out a sigh. “I think I do, too.”
The weight in her chest eases up after that, not gone entirely, but she can breathe again. “That’s good.”
He swallows. “It is?”
“Yes, Tim. It is. Because…We’ve been pretending. And I think I could pretend for the rest of my life, but it wouldn’t be the one either one of us deserves.”
He protests, “I’m not sure I deserve much at this point. Certainly, not—”
“No,” she interrupts, “don’t go there. Don’t do that to yourself.”
He starts to argue with her, but she decides that she can’t let this continue as it is.
“Do you love me?” she asks irrevocably.
He stares at her, and his eyes are filled with so much that she almost has to look away. She won’t, though. Instead, she lets her own express how much she’s feeling. All of the messy, incomplete things. She allows him to see the truth of her feelings for him.
“Yes,” he says, loud and clear and endless.
She wants to live in that single word. To make a home there. Let herself bask in it for the rest of time.
Lucy settles for walking over to his side of the bed and wrapping him in a tight hug.
They stay like that for only a few seconds, but it feels like years. It feels like an infinite number of minutes. As if they spend the rest of their lives right here. In each other’s arms. Right where she belongs, and she hopes that he feels the same.
“I love you, Lucy.” Tim’s voice doesn’t shake, doesn’t waver. “I’m in love with you. I have been for longer than I will ever be able to know for certain. And I always will.”
Her eyes fill with tears, but she smiles. She’s a little breathless. He smiles, too, and it is one of the very best things she has ever seen.
This is when she’s supposed to say it back, but when she opens her mouth, nothing comes out. Her lip trembles, and she sucks in a breath. She tries for a second time, but she fails again. As if he can read her mind, and part of her thinks that he really might be able to, he grasps her hands in his.
She looks down at their joined hands and holds onto him with everything she’s got.
“You don’t need to,” he swears. “If you never do again, I don’t care. The fact that you now know that I love you is enough for me. It will be enough for the rest of my life, if need be.”
She takes a steadying breath and nods, reassured, if only for now.
Because she truly isn’t ready to speak the words aloud. She doesn’t know when that will be or how she’ll get there. But she will say them again one day. The two of them will find a way. Against all the odds, she believes in that.
He takes her in his arms, and she lets herself melt into him. It won’t always feel this good or easy. There will come times when the two of them will have to fight to get to a good place. One where they can love freely and openly without the past looming over them. She won’t think about that right now, though, because there will be plenty of times for that. At this moment, she wants to let herself feel good. And no one on this planet makes her feel as good as Tim does.
Tim Bradford loves Lucy, and for tonight, that’s enough.