Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When my grandmother died it felt like everything had frozen, like I had wandered into a world so foreign and disconnected from my own that it was most certainly fake. Yet, the doctor claimed it to be true, and she never did come back.

I remember being so distraught she cried and cried for ages. But not me. I couldn’t even bring myself to feel anything, let alone cry. Apathetic to the whole ideal like it was just another day in the shitty life of Basil Flora, blanketing any sadness that dared to pop up in an apathy so thick it killed it instantly.

However, more foreign than the death of my beloved grandparents was when two people I hadn’t seen in so long decided to step back into my life. My parents returned from their endless business trips, stepping back into the home they abandoned. Stepping back into the life of the son they had abandoned.

“Your parents are going to be coming tomorrow.” Polly had told me after a particularly long and tedious phone call. That was so absurd, so inexplicably impossible that I couldn’t help but laugh. A mistake, because Polly’s eyes seemed to sink a bit as she saw my broken display. I quickly came to my senses and realized the pain seeing me as this caused her, and stiffened myself up.

“Are you sure?” I asked. How long had it been since I had last seen my parents? It was probably around 8 months, last Christmas. On my birthday all I received was some cash and a short phone call. Not that I complained, there was nothing for me to talk to them about, it wasn’t as if we knew each other very much.

“Yes, your mother called to confirm it,” Polly replied solemnly, retreating to her room to cry, or so I assumed. I contemplated going to her, trying my best to comfort her. No, I decided that that was a bad idea. Polly was a good caretaker, and it was true that she took exceptionally good care of me since she had been here, but that didn’t mean we had a good relationship. I had avoided her on purpose and refused to open up to her. I had been stubborn, claiming that my grandmother would be back up to her feet in no time. That had gotten me into quite a mess. Now I had no one to turn to.

The fact that Mother had confirmed they were coming back settled the matter. There were no ifs, buts, or maybes with that woman. She was straight as an arrow, and when she said something she meant it. I don’t remember much about her, but what I do remember from the little time we’ve spent together is that she tolerates nothing but the absolute truth. One time I tried to tell her a joke and I had to spend five minutes explaining it to her before she finally understood what I was getting at, scolding me for being so foolish.

Father was practically the opposite, and probably the kinder of my two parents. He introduced me to gardening and was just as obsessed with plants as I was. He was always off overseas doing some work or whatnot either with the botany company he ran or various entrepreneur projects that he would fund now and again. Despite this I have never felt close with my father…he was a closed-off person, and even when seemingly opening up to me, I could always feel that he was hiding something.

I let myself wander to my room, my mind following suit in wandering. I felt empty, unbelievably so. I looked at my phone sitting atop a dresser as I collapsed on my bed, it was sitting beside a potted white-egret orchid, the sun streaming in from a window behind my bed causing the glass surface to glint and shine. Should I call or text someone? I wondered solemnly. Who could I call? The obvious answers were either Mari, Hero or…Aubrey. I didn’t want to talk to Mari or Hero, I didn’t want to reveal just how weak I was to either of them. Aubrey…what about Aubrey. She was troubled, her father had left a year ago, and she had changed quite a bit since then, more strong-willed…at least, on the surface. Underneath she had shown me that she was a broken person just as I was.

But I regarded Aubrey in too high esteem, she had her own problems, her own issues. She was amazing, and I, although I hadn’t admitted it to myself yet, had found myself developing a slight crush on her recently. She had vented to me privately, whether over the phone or in person many a time and I enjoyed hearing her innermost thoughts. That’s why I couldn’t talk to her about this, she didn’t deserve that, she didn’t need more problems strapped to her chest, and I couldn’t burden her with my issues.

I grabbed my phone off the dresser, the glass warm due to sitting in the sun. I booted the thing up and slid my finger across the lock screen to open it as I had done a million times before. Then I consumed. I read things, I watched funny videos, sad videos, edits, and anything that I could get my mind onto, anything that would provide a moment's distraction from the emptiness of life. It wasn’t working as well as I had hoped, and every video that successfully took my mind off things was followed by ten that did nothing but accentuate the emptiness.

Sighing I glanced up at the time, it was almost 11 at night yet I didn’t feel the slightest bit tired. I did have a headache though, I often developed one when I stressed out too much…which was starting to happen an awful lot lately. I saw a message pop up on my phone, it was from Aubrey.

Aubs: Hey… can I talk to you about something?

A smile lit up across my face. Talking to Aubrey would be the perfect distraction.

Basil: Yeah… anything and everything remember?

Aubs: Haha, well my mother’s gonna be out of town this Sunday so I was wondering if you’d like to come over, you could help me with that little garden I’ve been growing, I think if one of the flowers is on their death bed :(

I laughed a little. Aubrey had been starting up a little garden on her windowsill with approximately three flowers. Even with my help maintaining them, it could be said that Aubrey didn’t have the greenest of thumbs. That was okay though, cause she seemed to like the flowers and I loved helping her.

Basil: Of course! I’m sure the flower will be fine once I get to it! Just remember that dead flowers are part of a gardener's learning process.

Aubs: I’ve never seen a single flower of yours even have the smallest bit of brown on them Basil, how many dead flowers have you had?

The number of dead flowers I had ever had was a hefty sum of zero. My father had taught me quite well how to care for flowers, and I’d never had any troubles when it came to them.

Basil: Tons, even I had to start somewhere.

Lying was the best way to handle that, Aubrey’s self-esteem was of great importance. Lies like these are good, if I were to tell her that I had never killed a flower she’d be discouraged and might stop her garden altogether. That wasn’t good, I quite liked helping her with the garden.

Aubs: Well I’m glad I’m not the only one haha. I’ll see you then, okay Basil?

Basil: Okay Aubrey, see you.

Placing my phone down for a second I stared up at the ceiling as I pictured Aubrey’s smiling face in my head, her rosy cheeks, her blue eyes, her pink hair with slight black poking out at the top flowing down to her back. She was so cute~ I couldn’t wait for our meeting on Sunday, which was just in three days; a perfect distraction. The emptiness had receded for now, but I still wasn’t tired and the clock read eleven thirty now. Grabbing my phone I continued to consume media for a while, waiting for my brain to clock out.

One of the videos I saw was from Sunny’s account. It was him and his band on a stage, and they were playing at Faraway Cafe. If someone had told me four years ago that Sunny would be in a band I wouldn’t have believed them. He was so quiet and reserved, content to play his violin by himself or with Mari. But there he was, on stage with his guitar, strumming along with the musicians behind him. I had to give it to them, they sounded exceptionally good. I found myself humming along for a second before the clip stopped and began to repeat.

Mari had played with them a couple of times this summer. Of course, she and Hero had just gone back to college recently, school was starting up next week after all. I was not at all looking forward to going back to school, I hated it there. People didn’t like me, they found my meekness and quietness ample reason to pick on me. And so, I just tried to make myself as invisible as possible. I only got by because I was Kel and Sunny’s friend. Speaking of Sunny I envied how much attention he gets, especially from the girls in our school. The dark-haired, guitar player who can also play violin and piano, and to top it all off he has exceptional grades! I wish I was that lucky. My grades were subpar at best, and no one really cared about my gardening or the poems I would sometimes write.

It didn’t matter though. I didn’t care about getting positive attention… I don’t care at all.

…

I don’t!

…

Sigh

Finally, my eyelids began to get heavy, and the pull of the night lulled my mind to sleep, my phone dropping onto my bed as I lost consciousness.

…

I awoke to the sound of people talking, people that I knew and yet didn’t at the same time.

“Welcome back Mrs. and Mr. Flora.” Polly was pandering to them, as expected. They did pay her after all, so I couldn’t exactly blame her for her complacent attitude.

“Please Polly, just call me Liz, everyone does.” Mother’s words were stern and commanding, she sounded almost disgusted to be referred to as Mrs. Flora. Of course she did, that was dads last name.

“Yes, and call me Kaworu, there’s no need to be so formal, not after all you’ve done for us.” Father’s voice was much kinder, and it made sense Polly had been taking care of his mother after all. I can’t remember seeing a single member of my mother’s extended family. I don’t think I ever did. I’ve never even heard her talk about them.

“You both are too kind.” Now I thought Polly was just going overboard. “Have you scheduled the funeral yet?” Admittedly I had to give Polly some credit, for someone who had been on the verge of breaking down yesterday she was keeping herself together fairly well now.

“Yes.” Mother stated. “It’s tomorrow.” Huh, that was very…sudden. At least I would be able to go to Aubrey's the day after. Hopefully she would be enough to make me feel okay after the funeral. “We don’t want to waste any more time here than we have to.” That was typical, I expected this to be the case.

Refusing to listen to their words any longer I got a fresh set of clothes on and slipped my phone into my pants pocket, checking myself out in the mirror. I picked an average outfit, just a button-up white shirt with green sleeves, the fabric being nothing special either. I wore light brown dress pants and clipped a pink flower clip into my blonde hair. It was then I noticed something, shifting myself down so I could see it better in the mirror. Yep, the top of my head was beginning to sprout black roots, I would need to dye it blonde again sometime soon.

My mother had blonde hair and my father had black…though it was grayer now. Not that he was old, he was fairly young, in his early thirties having had me at a young age. Mother was a little bit older than he was. It was my mother that implored me to dye it in the first place. My father said nothing about the change, but I noticed he looked a little sad when he first saw it, though that might have just been my imagination.

Walking out of my room Polly watched as I walked out into the kitchen, mother not saying a word but father approaching me. “Hello, Basil.” His voice was soft, somewhat shaky as he talked to his son. He stood only a little bit taller than I did, his face soft and by all means, he would probably be considered good-looking. He had slim fingers and wore subtle clothes that were made of very fine and comfortable fabrics. “Been a while…huh?” I resisted the urge to laugh.

“That’s one way to put it.” He sighed and I could see a tinge of pain on his face as I acted so cold to him. I felt a little bad, but I didn’t owe him anything. He was gone more than half the time, so it wasn’t as if we had some sort of bond.

“Stop bothering the boy…dear.” My mother said the last note begrudgingly. At least she knew how our relationship stood, Mother never pretended that we were a typical family. She never pretended to harbour any fake aspirations of love or kindness toward me, and I was thankful for that.

“Oh…” Father took a couple of steps away from me, giving me one last glance before turning back toward mother and Polly.

Polly shot me a glance, asking if I was okay with her eyes. I nodded. I was fine, this was fine. I quickly made myself a bowl of cereal and sat at the table, eating it as my parents did some bickering in the background.

…

“This is delicious Polly!” My father dug into the turkey on his plate, having already devoured a caesar salad and some mashed potatoes. “You truly are a divine cook.” Polly seemed to blush in embarrassment, and I couldn’t help but remark that the two had more chemistry together than my actual parents did.

“Thank you Kaworu!” My mother cleared her throat and Polly seemed to scrap whatever it was she was going to say next, instead taking a bite of the turkey in front of her in silence.

My mother followed suit, father reaching over to touch her hand but moving back as she flinched away from his touch. I sipped some apple juice as I watched the pathetic scene play out, my father avoiding anyone's gaze as he fixated quite heavily on a plant that sat on a shelf opposite him. Mother took a bite of her food, her teeth were aligned perfectly and pearly white to boot. Her blonde hair flowed down her back and curled occasionally, and her blue eyes could penetrate any lie or injustice and seemed to drag the truth from a person's mind. Needless to say, she was a very scary woman, sipping her glass of wine like an evil villain.

The silence was painful, no one talked, and no one was bold enough to say anything after mother had shut Polly and father down like that, and she, of course, made no attempt to communicate herself. Eating together was nothing more than a farce. We were just pretending that we were a family when we bore no resemblance to one in actuality.

The dinner continued on this way. Nothing of particular interest happened and I scurried off to my room the moment I had cleared my plate, excusing myself from the awkwardness that was taking place in that dining room. I felt bad for Polly, and a little bad for father, but I wasn’t going to risk being there any longer or else I was sure I’d break.

Quickly checking my phone I lamented as I saw that I had no missed texts or calls. There was no Aubrey to save me from this slump this time. That would have to wait, just two days away. Unfortunately, that meant that school was just three days away, something that I wasn’t too happy about. Oh well…there was nothing that could be done. I just hoped that I was in the same class as Aubrey was.

…

A loud noise, the noise of two people arguing stirred me from a slumber. Fishing around groggily I grabbed my phone. It was 2 in the morning, not a great time to be up in any case.

“I didn’t want to be here!” Mother was yelling, her yells were terrifying, they burrowed into your skin and attacked your heart directly, taking you out from the inside.

“You could at least show a little bit of kindness…my mom's dead for heaven's sake!” In comparison to my mother my father’s yelling was pathetic and shaky, he was yelling because of a mix of emotions that he couldn’t control whereas his mother's was pure calculated anger.

“I’ve told you… I don’t care! If you care so much you shouldn’t have begged me to come! You’re just some man-child that’s afraid of others!”

“At least I try to talk to others, all you do is lock them out, I was trying to talk to our son earlier before you rudely cut in!” I inched myself toward the door, pressing my ear up against the space between the door and the frame to do better. I don’t know why I did that, I don’t know what good I thought it’d do to listen in to their bickering.

Mother laughed. “Our son doesn’t want anything to do with you, perhaps he sees what a weak man you are.” She laughed again.

“We should stay here for a bit.” Father was pleading now. “He needs…us? Someone, he needs someone. I want to be better okay, I’m trying to be better.” I felt really bad for turning him down earlier, lowering my head and pulling my knees up to my temple. I had really gone and screwed up.

Mother laughed, her laugh like needles poking at my skin, and I bet father felt the same. “If you care about son that much then maybe you should stay here. I’m leaving.” She laughed again.

“What? No! You can’t!” Father tried to protest but it was too late, and a minute later the slamming of a door was heard and the arguing stopped.

“Are you…okay, Mr. Flora?” Polly was there now, assumably having come from her room after she heard Mother leave.

“It’s just…you can call me Kaworu…Polly.” Father sounded dejected, like a beaten puppy. He was aimless and wasn’t exactly sure what to do now.

“Are you…staying?” Polly was being very careful, keeping her voice nice and light to not set off Father’s delicate emotional state, trying to spare him any more pain as much as she could yet still looking out for everything.

“I…don’t know, I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.” Father sighed. “She’s right, I am just a pathetic man, I’m not fit to raise Basil or even be near him, he doesn’t need such a bad influence in his life.”

“Hey, that’s not true Kaworu.” Polly tried to reason with him, but I doubted any of this would have much effect. The blows Mother had landed sounded pretty fatal. “You were right, Basil needs you two in his life, you at least.” Liar! I didn’t need them at all! I don’t need anyone…!... sigh “And, you’re not pathetic.”

“Thanks, Polly.” I could hear father stepping back to his room…the room that used to belong to grandma. “But lying isn’t in your job description, don’t worry, I’m not gonna fire you for being truthful." I could hear a door closing and assumed that meant father had gone back to his room. Adding credence to this theory of mine was the fact that the conversation ended, Polly didn’t say another word and neither did my father. The house was quiet once again, and yet I still felt as terrible as when they were arguing, a huge pit sinking deep into my stomach.

Knowing I wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight I instead went to my desk and grabbed one of the books I have slotted away on the shelf behind it. This was my poetry book, the book I pooled all my innermost thoughts into so I could forget about them forever.

This chilling evening
Pierces through my weakened mind
Mother has run away

…

“Wake up Basil!” Polly’s voice awakened me from my slumber. How long had I slept that night? Two hours? Perhaps one? I couldn’t truly remember, my mind was fuzzy and my body was as heavy as I got up off my bed and put on a new set of clothes. Today was the day, the funeral was soon. I had to look my best, of course. Polly opened the door once I had told her I was decent and threw me a suit. “Your father wants you to wear this.”

Who was I dressing up for? I wondered as I stripped down and started to get on the new clothes I had been given. Maybe for Father or perhaps for my dead grandma. I wasn’t exactly sure if she could see me from up in heaven; if there was a heaven, that is. I was skeptical if such a thing existed, and hoped that if it did exist the people up above couldn’t see how pathetic I was, that would be super embarrassing.

Looking in the mirror I saw myself, in all my underwhelming glory. I wore a simple black suit with a tie that matched and a white undershirt and had ditched the flower clip. What was most apparent and humorous was the dark eye bags that had settled on my face, reminding me of all the sleep I hadn’t had.

As I walked out of my room Polly looked at me with a smile. It seemed to be a mix between genuine happiness and a mask of it. “You look so cute in that outfit.” Suffice it to say I was not amused by her mix of compliments and teasing, and there (was) not a blush on my face from her words.

I wasn’t the only one that had dressed up for this advent. I saw father stumble out of his room, a fancy suit akin to mine, black with a white undershirt and a black tie to top it off, hugging his figure. I couldn’t help but wonder if Polly had given father the same compliment she had given me. That was a funny thought. Why? Who knows, maybe I was just being delirious, I was indeed running on low hours of sleep and this whole debacle with my dead grandmother, Mother, and Father had left me drained beyond words.

“Are…you ready? Basil?” Father looked at me with confused eyes, he was looking at someone who he didn’t know yet allegedly would like to. Though whether or not we would truly get to know each other was up to me in the end. Or maybe not, I guess I still wasn’t sure if Father would be staying. That would be revealed after the funeral.

“Yeah…whenever you want to go let's do it.” There it was, the first words I had said to my father since he arrived the other day. He looked conflicted, perhaps he wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. Perhaps he hadn’t expected me to say anything. I hadn’t expected him to still be here this morning so I supposed we were both confused. Honestly, I don’t think I would have been surprised if I awoke to him hanging off the ceiling fan, what mother had said to him would have made anyone else probably kill themselves. But he was no doubt used to her verbal assaults by now…he’d have to be.

We all packed in father’s vehicle, despite having a lot of money it was very modest, just a smaller car with nothing fancy. One thing about it though was it was entirely free of any blemishes or dirt and grime. Father was a very clean person. In fact, after realizing that I realized that our outfits did have one difference. Father was wearing very thin white gloves and I further remembered that whenever we did gardening father always wore gloves, and never did he ever allow the dirt to touch his skin. A gardener who was a neat freak…I nearly laughed at the oxymoron that my father was.

The funeral place was very dreary, it was an old brick building with large oak doors in front. The words “Marvin's Funeral Home” were plastered on a sign above the doors. Right to the point they were. I wondered to myself who Marvin was, perhaps the owner, perhaps some dead guy. I stopped realizing it was just my tired mind rambling and wondering how I was going to get through this day without passing out.

We were ushered into the place by some old woman, relatives of my father that I barely knew huddled around and talking to one another, stopping as they saw us arrive. I saw their eyes rest upon me and could feel the pity in their glares. I hated it, and it made me want to puke. These people didn’t care, they didn’t even know me, their pity was nothing more than a hollow illusion, pity for the sake of trying to be a good person. Such hypocrisy was disgusting.

We lined up, standing at the front, a casket to my left. I dared not to look into it, fearful of what my tired mind might pervert the contents into. People walked to me and offered their empty condolences and I replied with just as empty thank yous. This was how funerals went. After all, it was all empty, complete with an empty corpse. Such things were things that I hated, empty things with no substance were unbearable.

Eventually, the corpse was moved to a gravesite and the few relatives of my father followed in cars and whatnot. Me, Polly, and Father got to ride in the hearse right by the casket. How lucky for us.

…

I watched the casket lowered into the ground, and saw Polly looking at me repeatedly with that look that asked if I was okay. I ignored it and pretended I didn’t see it. There was this indescribable feeling in my gut like there was a lack of any substance in my mind and heart. It was like I was merely a puppet watching as these things happened in front of me, not caring whether anything negative or positive was happening. It didn’t matter to me. I was hollow.

…

Returning home was a quiet and solemn ride, I stared out the window and watched things go by absentmindedly. It didn’t matter what, just something, something that would take my mind off the utter emptiness growing within. As we made it into the house Father decided to speak to me, a feat I was becoming certain he was impossible of…no…I was being mean for no reason.

“Basil, you okay?” He knelt down a little so he was on my level, the kind of technique you use with a toddler, not a sixteen-year-old. Though it was an A for effort. “I know these things can be stressful.”

I wanted to lash out at him a little for saying that, my mother's influence I suppose, but held it back. It was his mother that had died, and somehow my mind sort of kept skipping that fact. Perhaps because I hadn’t seen Father in so long, my mind didn’t even register him as anything more than a stranger. “Yeah… I’m good.” I lied to him. As understanding of his perspective and situation I may have been that didn’t mean I was going to just up and act like they had a good bond…or rather, I couldn’t act like that, it was too wrong.

Father knew I was lying, that much was apparent just by looking the man in the eye for the brief interval he allowed connected eye contact. I watched for a moment, waiting for him to call me out on that fact but no such call out came to fruition.

“Alright just…” He faltered for a second. “I need to do some work now so…I’ll just be in my uh, room…Is that alright…Basil?” He didn’t sound like he was asking if I was okay with that arrangement so much as he was asking permission to leave.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” I tried to put as much enthusiasm in my voice as I could but judging from Father’s face it was lacklustre at best. Taking a glance at Polly for but a moment, Father retreated to his room, the door closing quietly behind him as he did so.

“Your father is trying really hard Basil…this isn’t easy for him.” Polly chimed in quietly so Father wouldn’t hear from his room.

“Sigh I know.” I knew that he was trying hard, couldn’t she see I was trying hard too? Hard to not collapse, hard to not be consumed by emptiness. I was sorry for not being so complacent to Father’s advances, but that cost far too much energy; energy that was simply in no position to spare.

…

Thankfully I managed to get some more sleep that night, having sweet dreams about the meeting (I refused to call it a date even in my head) with Aubrey I’d be having tomorrow, one that I thought should prove to be a pleasant distraction from the emptiness of this whole deal.

…

“Basil! I’m so glad you’re here!” Aubrey cheerily responded as she found myself knocking upon her door. Grabbing onto my arm, an act that sent flutters throughout my body, Aubrey pulled me into her house. It was very clean, an impressive feat to me because I knew what an absolute slop Aubrey’s mother was, and a drunk, and all around not a nice person since Aubrey’s dad had left, so Aubrey being able to clean this whole place up so fast assuming she had left this morning was very impressive. “Come on! Let's go check out my garden.” Judging from how upbeat Aubrey was being the word of my grandmother’s death hadn’t gotten out yet. That was just fine, that was how I preferred it to be anyway.

Not one to deny her I simply let her pull me out into the hallway and up the ladder. She was very strong…I think I liked that about her. Her room was also very clean, some photos of the group I had taken and given to her were tacked up on a board. That made me smile, this entire event was doing wonders of fighting back against the emptiness but…

“Look! This one’s starting to brown.” She grimaced at one of the three gladiolus flowers she had growing on her windowsill, one of them indeed beginning to droop down and brown at the edge of the petals.

I got closer to it and examined it, deciding what should be done about it. “I think it just needs a little bit more water, you might have to up the amount you’re giving them each time you water them, or increase the frequency at least.”

“So it's not gonna die?” Aubrey asked.

“No,” I said with a laugh. “It should be fine.”

“Phew.” Aubrey breathed a sigh of relief as I couldn’t help but stare at her pretty face and blue eyes. “Nice hat, by the way, it suits you.” Oh yeah, the hat. I had been too lazy this morning to dye my hair (I don’t even think we had any blonde hair dye in stock) so I just threw on a brown beanie to cover it up.

“Uhhh, thank you.” I smiled at the compliment. “You look…nice too.” I was very uncertain of the intelligence of saying that last bit, partially dreading what response she would give. However upon seeing her face had a smile on it I couldn’t help but feel a little more confident. But… something was still wrong. The emptiness was still growing inside of me, I was just trimming at its edges right now. I needed to fix that, and fast. I needed something to push it down further.

“So I wanted to talk to you about school.” Aubrey collapsed onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Uhhhh! I’m so annoyed that it’s tomorrow. I hope I’m in a class with someone I know at least, we get our schedules or whatnot tonight so I’ll be able to see who I’m with then.”

“I hope we’re in the same class.” I was getting quite bold by that point.

Aubrey smiled. “Me too, you’re great to have around you know.” She punched me in the shoulder from her position laying down on the bed.

Nope, this wasn’t doing it. Her compliment rang in my mind yet was absorbed by the pit in my stomach nonetheless. It was a persistent weed, one that sapped any nutrients I received. I needed something, something more than this to make it through the weed and provide me with something of substance.

“Honestly that school in the city is a little intimidating, too bad the one in faraway burned down.” Ahh yes, that. Three years ago the school that we used to all attend burned down,
and ever since then no attempt to rebuild it has gone through. All the children of Faraway now attend the school in the city CloseBy City Public High School. Or CCPHS for those who didn’t want to spend half a millennium talking about their school

“Agreed.” The people there could be quite mean, and the bigger size meant more classes and fewer chances to see Aubrey. It was such a shame, a real shame. My feelings for Aubrey were starting to burst forth suddenly watching her stare up at the ceiling, lying down, allowing me to see her in a vulnerable state like this, allowing me to be the one she confided in. It was flattering, super flattering.

I had an idea

An Idea that could quell the emptiness

An idea that would cut the weeds inside his body down

It was an amazing idea!

An amazingly terrible idea.

…

“Hey…” I started to idea with a pause.

…

“Aubrey?”

…

“Yeah?”

…

“I have a question.” It was all performing well so far, this was all performing very well.

…

“What is it?”

…

I stopped, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. “...” My mouth moved but no words came out.

…

“Huh? I don’t understand?” She told me. That was alright, I wasn’t done yet.

…

Taking a deep breath I felt determination take the place of the emptiness, if only for a minute. “Aubrey…I like you…Like really like you.”

…

The world froze, and I saw Aubrey’s face contort. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking for a moment before I saw a hint of confusion morph into pity.

…

No.

…

“Well…Basil…I um.” She seemed confused, stumbling over what she wanted to say.

…

Oh no

…

“You’re sweet, you really are,”

…

Stop

…

“It’s just that…”

…

Please just stop talking, I’m an idiot, I know I’m an idiot. This was stupid, just stop talking.

…

“I like someone else…I like…Well, I like Sunny, please don’t feel mad or sad.”

…

It was like being stabbed in the chest, a dark emptiness gushing from my body instead of blood. “Oh.” Was all I could bring forth from my mouth, the other words getting stuck and trying to push each other out of the way to escape my constricting throat. “I’m…sorry. For making this awkward.” I got up.

“It’s okay, you can-” She tried to reach to me, but I flinched away from her touch, glancing back at her with empty eyes.

“Sorry, I must be leaving now.” She didn’t try to stop me anymore as I stumbled out the door, it taking all the concentration I could muster to not fall over.

…

Arriving home Polly had dinner ready, but I wasn’t hungry. I ate anyways. My father said something to Polly that I didn’t catch and she laughed a little. He looked happy, she looked happy, and I was glad they were happy. I attempted to put a smile on my face, but Polly gave me a strange look, so I stopped.

“I hear you were at a girl’s place…ladies man?” Father said, trying to spark some playful conversation. Unfortunately, he had picked the absolute worst time to say something like that. I could feel the emptiness begin to chew at my skin. It felt like something was tearing into my flesh and I couldn’t do a single thing about it.

“I…I guess.” I gulped down the good that was in front of me, literally choking back tears that threatened to well to the surface. I was on the verge of crying, yet sadness wasn’t filling my body, nothing was filling my body.

“Well…that’s good. I hope things go well with…that girl?” Father looked toward Polly who flashed him a thumbs up, apparently approving of his archaic attempt at having a normal conversation with his son.

Getting up, I decided that I simply couldn’t handle this anymore. I put my plate on the counter and beelined for my room without saying another word. That nibbling at my skin was growing more and more intense and as I entered my room I immediately slammed the door as the pain became nearly too much to bear. The shadows seemed to dance around, licking at my skin and whispering sour nothings into my ear. I looked in the mirror and who stared back at me was a pathetic shell of a human being.

My phone went off and I grabbed it, maybe something would distract me from this incessant feeling.

Aubs: I’m sorry, please don’t feel bad about what happened Basil. I don’t want to lose you as a friend.

My hope had just killed itself, it had jumped from the roof of a building and jumped to the ground, exploding like a firework of blood and guts. Maybe it would be better if I followed suit I thought. But I knew I wouldn’t do so. I was too pathetic, too much of a coward to ever get that close to killing myself.

Another notification lit up the screen of my phone. Perhaps this would be the one to separate me from this lack of feeling I felt, or rather, didn’t.

Sunny: Hey! Did you see we’re going to be in most of the same classes?!

The shadows laughed at me as I screamed into my pillow as I checked my email. It was true, Sunny and I shared 4 out of the 6 classes we had in a day this semester. Why was this happening? Why did it have to be him of all people?

Basil: Yeah! That’s great!

Liar! I scolded myself.

Chapter Text

An alarm was blaring. It beeped and beeped incessantly, calling me from a slumber I had hoped not to wake from. It was the first day of the school year; a ripe September morning. Ripping myself out of my bedsheets I got up and smashed the off button on the top of my alarm, ceasing the ringing until tomorrow. I then got on some clothes, nothing too fancy but something nice to wear on the first day. My head ached, my chest was sore, and I dreaded meeting my friends…especially…him.

But I didn’t have a choice, if I dared to sleep in and skip today it would mean endless questioning from Polly. She knew me too well just to say I was sick. Such a pain.

I grabbed my phone, staring at the glass for a moment and watching my reflected face. I needed something to fill the pit in my stomach or I would surely go insane. Opening the phone I started to scroll through apps, pressing onto one of them which was essentially a bunch of chat boards. This was a bad idea…a terrible idea. I knew this was true. But still…I needed something, someone.

Hey! Lonely Boy Looking For Some Fun!

For some reason, I ended up capitalizing every letter of the title. I also added exclamation points despite nothing about this being any sort of exclamation in my mind. I suppose I was a great liar.

just as the title described, message me for more details.

What was I doing? I wondered. Regardless, I posted it and immediately slipped my phone into my pocket. There had been stories that I’d heard of people doing that, seeking relief from older people in perverse ways. They always ended out badly, and yet for some reason, I thought I’d be some sort of an exception. Deciding it was too late to delete it, I combed my hair in the mirror, attached the flower clip and left my room.

Polly was cooking away in the kitchen, making what appeared to be waffles. The smell wafted up to my nose and even in the state I was in I had to admit that they smelled pretty good. Waffles were great, better than pancakes. With waffles, they were a little firmer, and the syrup soaked into them better. Another benefit of waffles was they had little indents that could hold the syrup, unlike pancakes, which the syrup just slid off of.

“Morning Basil.” Polly was casual, and I had to stop myself from asking stupid questions like “Where’s Father?” He was most likely in his room. He wasn’t the type to leave the house by himself, that’s for sure.

“Mornin’,” I said groggily, sitting down at the dining room table with a long sigh as I stretched out my body. Under no circumstances would I ever give myself the monicker of a “morning person”. Mornings were the worst. I hated them. Sleeping was much easier than waking up…and much quieter.

Polly finished up with the cooking and I consumed the waffles absent-mindedly, making sure I thanked her for the delicious meal. She called for Father, and sure enough, in a couple of minutes, I heard a door open, and seconds after, I saw his youthful face and graying hair peeking out of the kitchen’s doorway as he entered and was hit by the aroma.

“Good morning, Kaworu.” Polly greeted him with a smile. I made note of the fact that I didn’t get a good morning. “Please, take a seat by Basil over there and I’ll have your food in a second.”

Looking hesitant, Father muttered out a response. “Don’t push yourself for my sake.” He said, not wanting to be a burden despite paying the woman to be a caretaker.

“No. I insist. Sit down and wait.” Polly said, somewhat commanding. Not one to argue, Father did as he was told, taking a seat beside me as I finished up my food. “Good.”

It wasn’t long before Polly shoved a plate in front of Father, who started to eat it very formally, cutting it apart into tiny pieces with a knife before plopping each individual piece into his mouth without so much as an ounce of syrup spilling onto his clothing. I had to admit that it was certainly an impressive feat, one no doubt culminated by Father’s germaphobia.

The minutes started to click down until I had to leave, and Father, meekly, gave me a sort of goodbye wishing me well on my first day of school. His eyes wouldn’t meet mine. Not that I minded, I wouldn’t have been able to hold his gaze for very long anyways. I was just as bad as he was when it came to other people. I put on a jacket, and my beanie hat, slipped my backpack over my shoulders (after packing money for lunch of course), and headed out the door.

The route to the bus stop was a little complicated, but I had memorized it down to a tee. First, from the door of my house, I took a left. Then, a right from there. After that, I cross the street twice before another left turn and some walking to make it to the stop. Unfortunately for me, someone else was already waiting there. A certain raven-haired someone.

“Oh. Hey Basil.” Came the monotone voice of Sunny Suzuki. When it came to expressing himself, Sunny was terrible at it. I could never tell what he was feeling underneath that voice. The only time that his emotions were ever on display was when he sang or when he used things like question marks and exclamation marks over text.

“Hey, Sunny.” I was a little hesitant to reply. There was no reason for me to have a newfound disliking for Sunny. He had done nothing to me and had been nothing but a friend, albeit sometimes a distant one. But what Aubrey had told me, when she had confessed her love for him over me ended up, shattering my perspective of Sunny. Now when I looked at him, those dark eyes of his, the hair and the voice, it all just made me long for someone that I knew didn’t long for me in the same way.

“Excited?” It took me a second to realize that Sunny was asking a question about how I was feeling toward the new school year, his voice only showed the slightest hint of questioning.

“As excited as I could be.” I didn’t lie. Lying was bad. Telling the truth, albeit a truth twisted in my favour, was definitely more of the way to go when talking to Sunny.

“Hey, you two!” An arm was wrapped around my shoulder, Sunny’s too. The arm itself was tan and fit, and a little hairy too. “It’s a great day today huh?” It was Kel, that stupid smile of his stretched across his face like a crescent moon. I had to admit that just being near Kel when he was like this could have an impact on a person's mood. He seemed to radiate happiness and carefree energy. Unfortunately, I was feeling none of it at the moment and was instead feeling uncomfortable at the prolonged physical contact.

“Hey, Kel,” Sunny said, a slight smile forming on his face for the briefest of intervals.

“Hello, Kel,” I said with a yawn, tiredness starting to grip my mind already. The bags under my eyes didn’t show any sign of leaving any time soon. Some of the other kids around Faraway came to the bus stop, but I paid them no mind. I was a little thankful, however, as they did draw Kel’s attention away and allowed me to relax. Aubrey arrived at the bus stop later, but I found myself actively avoiding talking to her. It felt too awkward to approach her now, especially with Sunny so close.

The appearance of a yellow bus around the corner halted the sea of conversation that all the kids at the bus stop were having. I was one of the first to get on to the bus, quickly heading to the back and sitting down by myself, putting my bag on the spot next to me so no one would try and sit beside me. I then reached into my backpack and pulled out some headphones, plugging them into my cellular device and letting the music float my body away to a better place.

“Both of us see a cloud.”

The bus slowed to a crawl as it stopped to pick up another passenger.

”Or whatever we may believe”

It was a girl, not one that I had seen before.

”Being it may be proud, or whatever we want to see.”

The bus doors opened, and this girl stepped on, wearing what appeared to be thin black boots.

”Okay jump.”

She talked to the bus driver about something for a minute or two. I couldn’t hear what they were saying for obvious reasons. Then, she stopped and started to walk to the back, right where I was sitting, and took a seat across from me.

”Can’t believe what we’ve seen, won’t be burned to the ground.”

She had white hair in a pixie cut, a grey tank top, and a white skirt, and she had on a little bit of dark eyeliner. Her face looked mean like she had been through things I couldn’t even imagine. Yet something behind her eyes struck me like the eye of a storm, like whatever was behind them wasn’t nearly as bad as it seemed to be.

”Yet we make ourselves castles every tide we’re around.

“See something you like?!” Her voice was harsh and attacking. I quickly moved my eyes from her to the back of the seat in front of me and paused my music, making sure that I could hear every word that she said in case the situation turned hostile.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She snickered a little and turned back toward the window. It seemed I had dodged a bullet there. Something about her was entrancing, something beyond that mean shell she was displaying drew me closer. It was scary, and I banished the feeling to the back of my memory for now. I had other things to think about presently.

…

Hey! I saw your post…I’d love to help a lonely boy like you out.

My phone buzzed as I was in my first-period history class and I quickly slipped it inside my history textbook, pretending that I was reading as I checked my notifications. Someone had replied to my little post earlier. The teacher at the front of the class, an old woman with a stern face and pointed nose like a witch droned on about the French Revolution. I stared at the screen for a moment, unmoving, deciding on the correct course of action.

A huge chunk of my mind begged me to just ignore it, to not go down this path I was so hurriedly about to throw myself into. But another part of me, a part consumed by the emptiness, begged me to continue. It needed this, it needed something to fight back against what was decaying at it. I was implored to agree with that part of myself and started to formulate my response. Then...I just stopped. I couldn't do it, I was afraid. So...I just deleted everything.

I would have to find some other way to deal with this whole mess of emptiness.

The bell rang, and the next class started. Sunny talked to me a bit in the hallway as we both had the same class, math, next up. The conversation was short, lacklustre and was the equivalent of two robots exchanging small talk. I saw a glimpse of that white-haired girl in the halls too, but as if she was a ghost she quickly disappeared. That girl was certainly an odd figure, but I wasn’t exactly one to judge.

The day went along with no issues, everything was peaceful and calm, and I was able to keep my presence to an absolute minimum. But then the lunch bell rang, and that was when things started to take their predictable, shitty school turn. I grabbed the money I had gotten this morning and made my way toward the cafeteria. I passed a multitude of people on the way by. Two specific people that I focused on were a couple. They were making out against one of the lockers. I wanted to throw up. My appetite was suddenly not as strong as it once was and I felt a clawing in my gut.

It didn’t matter; I had to make an appearance in the cafeteria; I had to keep up an appearance; I couldn’t stray from the norm. I just had to.

So I stumbled through the halls, the people passing next to me morphing into analogous shadows that leered and laughed at my presence. I ignored them; they weren’t real because they simply couldn’t be. The shadows seemed offended by this thought.

The cafeteria was a large space with many plastic tables with benches around them. At the front three ladies served various foods of questionable edibility and a couple of students had already started a line for the food. Today was pizza day, and I quite enjoyed pizza so obviously, I went to take my spot in line like the good little child I was. Unfortunately, some other unfavourable individuals seemed to have other ideas.

“Hey, watch it punk!” I felt a warm hand grab onto my shoulder and then a sharp jerk as I was thrust out of my place in line and onto the floor. As I hit the cold, dirty ground the coins I had so carefully gotten for lunch today spewed from my hands and bounced away, making metallic noises as they scattered. I quickly darted my eyes around the room; students had crowded around the line forming a pseudo blockade as laughter rang out through my ears. I couldn’t determine whether it was the laughter of the students or merely the shadows that I was imagining laughing at me. Either way, I was unable to hear anything else, meekly scrounging around the floor and picking up coins like the pathetic boy I truly was.

This wasn’t enough; my tormentors deemed that this was an unsatisfactory amount of embarrassment. And so, as I was picking up quarters, I felt a hand grip my hair through my beanie and yank me to my feet as a pain rang out in my scalp like church bells. “I know you’re from that stupid hick town Faraway and haven’t been here very long but you need to understand how we operate here. People like you stay at the back of the line! Faggot!” He threw me to the ground, and thankfully that time I didn’t drop a single cent.

But that word…Faggot. I repeated it in my mind and rolled it around a couple of times before I settled on a deep, resounding discomfort with it. I had heard it used before, and I knew what the meaning was. As far as I was aware the meaning didn’t even apply to me, I had a crush…or had had a crush on Aubrey after all so I did like girls. But the way it was spit, the hate in the tone, and the realization of what I was planning to do later all combined and stewed until it made a perfect meal with the emptiness growing within.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that girl with white hair again. She wore a hard-to-read expression as she watched what was happening to me from a distance. Perhaps she was satisfied watching me getting beat and humiliated like this. Perhaps her expression was closer to pity. Perhaps it didn’t matter, and perhaps she wasn’t important. But that didn’t end up coming true in the end.

“Hey! Leave him be!” Aubrey pushed through the crowd and blocked the white-haired girl from view. I didn’t let God’s irony of having Aubrey be the one to save me go to waste and couldn’t help but feel positively pathetic that out of everyone that could have saved me, it was the girl that had rejected me completely.

The bullies got back in line, the crowd dispersed, and the white-haired girl disappeared. “Basil, are you okay?” Aubrey extended a hand and I, disgustingly, grabbed onto it. She was deathly cold…or perhaps that was just my imagination at work.

“Y-Yeah.” I managed to stutter out through a blockade of words that were forming in my throat, each of them honking their horns and screaming at the ones in front of them for the jam. “T-Thanks.” Aubrey and I re-entered the line, this time at a significantly farther back position, and waited while the people in front of us slowly trudged forwards at a snail’s pace. Not a single word was uttered between me and Aubrey after I forced that thanks out of my congested throat. I thought about what to say, but concluded that there wasn’t much I could talk about whilst tip-toeing around what had happened between us.

Did I still like her? No, I don’t think that was it exactly. The feelings I felt toward Aubrey were much more nuanced now, and I no longer felt the same blind affection toward her as I had on the day I confessed. Maybe I hadn’t liked her to begin with. I supposed my affections might have been misplaced out of a need or desire to be loved by someone beyond that of a friendship. I shook these thoughts out of my head as I finally made it to the lunch ladies, pizza placed upon a plate in my hands as I focused on the now. If I let myself indulge in such existential thoughts I would no doubt fall down a deep and dark rabbit hole.

Aubrey left before I did, and she didn’t make any motion for me to follow her back to the table she was heading toward. Kel, Aubrey, and Sunny were all sitting down, conversating, laughing as friends did. I knew that if I sat down with them I’d only bring along negative energy and ruin everything as I always did. I moved to a table on the opposite side of the room, a table that was vacant except for me. It was a pity party of one, and all the guests had arrived.

Picking apart the pizza, pizza that had stale crust and bitter cheese with tomato sauce that tasted horridly artificial, I wondered if Aubrey had confessed to Sunny already. What had he said? Had he accepted her confession? Were they planning out a date right now? Such thoughts caused bile to come up from my stomach and into my throat, the acidic taste further souring the pizza as it choked it down.

“That was a pathetic display.” As I heard a familiar harsh voice I nearly choked to death, hunching over the table as I swallowed down the pizza chunks in my throat. It was the white-haired girl. She had decided to grace me with her presence and thus increased my pity party to two. Well, at least it would have increased the pity party to two if this girl felt even an ounce of pity toward me.

“I know,” I told her, trying to think of a way out of this situation. It was no fault of hers…well okay she was a little scary but besides that, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk right now. “Is there something you need from me?”

“No.” She laughed. “I don’t think you of all people could give me anything.” She laughed again, and my face scrunched up a little at how brash and rude she was being. “I merely am interested in your existence is all, I just moved around the area and figured I’d scope out the weirdos.” This woman was a special sort of person, certainly not someone that I would usually associate with.

“Well if you’ve done scoping me out then you should move on to some other weirdo.” As I said this she looked at me a little disappointed, giving a quiet sigh before standing up and walking away, disappearing as quickly as she had come. Maybe I was too harsh with her, I thought to myself. Maybe she just had a weird way of showing that she had wanted to be friends. I figured if we did talk again I’d be a little more patient with her; having a friend not associated with the old group might be good for me, I reckoned.

The rest of the school day went by fairly uneventfully. I had a couple of classes with Sunny, but we didn’t talk at all. I saw him glance at me a couple of times as if he was trying to initiate a talk, but I ignored him and pretended I didn’t see the way his eyes flicked to my own. Despite my attempts to avoid him he somehow managed to corner me in the last period and gave me a ticket to his show this weekend.

“After the show me, Aubrey, and Kel are all going to go for a picnic and we’d love for you to be there,” Sunny said in his usual monotone. A picnic? We hadn’t done one of those since July with Mari and Hero and yet we were doing one to start the school year off without them. I didn’t really have a choice in my response; I was still trying my best to keep up my appearance after all.

“I’ll be there.” It was a very blank and empty promise, and yet it seemed to satisfy Sunny enough that he left me alone from then on out. The final bell chimed, and school was over for the day. Or at least, it would have been if it wasn’t for the 30 extra minutes at the end of the first day that was dedicated to all the different clubs you could join.

Students, myself included, all gathered in the main hall to see the leaders of certain clubs give off their displays to try and lure people in and snatch away all their free time. Clubs weren’t of much interest to me; I tried joining the botany club at one point, but the way I could ramble off plant facts like it was nothing, and the way I was effortlessly graceful in the way I could care for the plants seemed to tick the others off, and so I shortly quit. I was not by any means an extroverted person, and as that even taught me just sharing one similar interest with another human being didn’t necessarily mean you could grow closer.

There was a literature club for prudes, a gaming club for those who didn’t shower, and many others whose existence I could describe with a broad stereotype that would not exactly be a good representation of them as a whole but would further my pessimistic viewpoints. Slowly but surely I was becoming an internalized asshole, that emptiness corrupting my morals as well. Thankfully I was not approached by anyone during the gruelling 30 minutes and spent most of it talking to that man on the phone. He lived close by and we arranged a meeting time for shortly after school ended.

Everything was going fine, or at least my warped perception of what was fine at this point. School ended and students flooded out the front doors. I waited behind a little to avoid the crowd and stealthily slipped out the back, walking through the city streets to the arranged meeting place. Clouds had begun to blanket the sun and forbid any more light to exit, giving the city a gray and bleak look. Perhaps it was punishment for how distant I was being from others, how misanthropic my mind had been twisted.

The city had a big park, with winding pathways and a vast forest that was filled with various wildlife. I could hear birds chirping, and some dandelions rested by my feet. The sun basked down upon my head and made my beanie-covered head feel a little uncomfortable, although I certainly wasn’t planning on taking it off.

I sat on the bench and did nothing for hours on end despite knowing that the busses had long since gone at that point. Just who the hell did I think I was? This truly was an entirely pathetic display.

Thankfully, I had some money left over from the pizza lunch and was able to pay for the bus fare back to my house. Originally I had planned to ask that guy to take me back…Wait a minute. It was at that moment as I was compensating bus fares that I realized that not once had I even given thought to how Polly or my Father would feel when I didn't return immediately, and I hadn't even let them know I was going to be gone. For some reason, this set me off, and I ended up throwing up in a bush.

The return home was long and awkward, the bus seat was uncomfortable and I was squished in between a very fit and stern-looking man and a pregnant lady. Normally I would never sit near anyone, much less a pregnant lady, but this was the only seat available. An uncomfortable silence lurked behind a corner and followed me wherever I went. It was a stalker that was content to watch from a distance; it would not physically harm me, and yet its effects could be felt all the same.

I got up out of my seat with a small sigh of relief as the bus ground to a halt, the screeching of the wheels reminding me of an infant's screams. I stepped onto the fresh pavement and the paralysis that had inflicted my body returned in full force as I began to wonder what my dad and Polly would say about my absence. Stumbling home I tried to shove this thought from my mind, in retrospect a bad decision.

“Where were you?” Polly asked the dreaded question almost as soon as I stepped through the door, Father sitting at the dining room table with a laptop in front of him, no doubt doing some work on something or other.

“I joined the botany club.” I blurted out, only half thinking. “I was there doing a little bit of setup with a few other members.” My father’s ears perked up as he heard this and I realized that I had just managed to put myself in a pretty tight corner.

“That’s great to hear!” Father said. “I’m happy we share similar interests, and I’m proud of you for going out and exercising your hobbies like that.” He looked at the screen of his laptop, light reflecting in his pupils as his eyes dulled. “That’s more than I can say about me.”

A smile crossed my face, a small but genuine smile. But the smile was bittersweet because Father’s pride was built on a lie, and what I had been doing was disgusting and made me nothing more than a lonely, useless sack of shit. I sighed as I realized that I would have to join the botany club now, either that or admit I had lied, and that was something I wasn’t going to do.

…

The next day I put in a formal request to join the botany club and was informed that the first meeting wasn’t until the end of the week: Friday.

It was an uneventful wait til Friday, the days simply seemed to pass with not much interesting events occurring. The white-haired girl didn’t reappear either, and I was starting to get nervous with what she had seen of me during our last meeting.

But nothing happened, nothing happened until Friday. The day before Sunny’s band’s show, and the day before I managed to slip up once again and reveal myself for the disgusting person I was.

Chapter Text

It was Friday, finally. The school week had slewed along as a boring drone of confrontations in which I pretended to be normal and happy. There wasn’t another outburst like the one at the cafeteria, and I didn’t encounter the white-haired girl again either aside from seeing brief glimpses of her in the hallways sometimes. We didn’t share a single class, not that I wanted to share a class with someone as spontaneous as she was.

There was one downside to it being a Friday, and that was the fact I was going to have to stay after school for the stupid botany club. I didn’t want to join the stupid botany club, but I had kind of dug myself in, no pun intended. The day ended and I made my way through the draining halls and toward the back of the school where the greenhouse was located. But I was halted, as upon turning a corner I came into collision with something solid. Or rather, someone.

“Oww, watch where you’re walking!” As I hit the ground with a thud, I looked up after hearing the soft yet sharp voice of whom I had hit. Familiar white hair greeted me as I stared up at the face of that girl whose name was unbeknownst. “What are you still doing here anyway?” Her voice was ripe with potential accusations.

Getting back on my feet, and brushing off the dust that had accumulated on my body from my time on the floor, I faced the girl eye to eye, a stunning feat for someone as pathetic as I was. This amused the white hair girl, who got up so close to me that her chest touched mine and her hot breath mixed and mingled with my skin, sparks dancing through my body that I was unsure whether to classify as interest or danger.

“I’m just going to the botany club, okay?” I flinched away from her. The feeling of her body against mine was just a little too close than I could bear to be with someone right now. I was confused however to see her nose shrivel up not at my backing away but rather at the words that I projected at her in an attempt to dissuade any malcontent.

“What?” A sound of guttural confusion and denial came out of her mouth as she stared me down with a questioning glance that could break even the most hardened criminals. “What did you just say?”

“I-Um.” I took another step back, the word coward was starting to become synonymous with my own name in my head. “I’m just going to the botany club.”

“Oh…” She stopped for a moment, a brief flash of hesitance crossing her face as a moment passed where she seemed to rethink her course of action. “I’m a part of the botany club and I could have sworn you weren’t there during the initial signup.” She stopped for a moment, recalling something. “Yeah! In fact, I saw you in the park after! You left before the sign-up even began.” She seemed to be ignoring the fact that she was also near that park, meaning that she hadn’t stayed at the sign-ups for long either.

“I asked to join the next day, I originally wasn’t going to but decided to in the end.” A resounding sigh was the exclamation that I put with this sentence. Joining this botany club was beginning to seem to be more hassle than the excuse to get out of trouble was worth. “Is that okay?” Deep down I was hoping she’d say no, and then that she’d beat the shit out of me and I’d be able to go home and claim that I couldn’t join the botany club because the people there were all bad people and that’d be that.

“Oh.” But she didn’t. “Well, I guess it’s fitting a weirdo like you would be into gardening of all things, what a bizarre hobby.” She merely spouted off hypocritical statements before grabbing onto my arm and sending danger signals throughout my body before dragging me forward. “Come on, we don’t want to be late.” She gave me a sort of smile that I really couldn’t tell whether or not it was hostile or friendly.

The greenhouse was, as expected, humid, and housed a couple of people whom I didn’t know. The club's captain, Melissa, who was a 12th-grade girl just a little bit taller than myself, I had already met a couple of days ago when I put in my request to join the club. Among the other members was a tubby, younger boy by the name of Shigechi who could definitely be annoying at times but genuinely seemed like a good person, and another 12th grader by the name of Ray who was sort of a loner type who wore baggy clothes and had this dark and thick brown hair on the top of his head. Then there was me, with my baggy eyes and blonde hair covered up by a brown beanie hat. I probably would have stood out the most if it wasn’t for the tank-top, skirt-wearing, white-haired girl who still hadn’t let go of my arm even as we entered the greenhouse.

“Oh, welcome Sabi, and you too Basil.” Sabi… her name was Sabi. I made careful note of Melissa addressing Sabi by name. As the group's gaze turned to us, Sabi’s hand left my arm and I couldn’t tell whether my body was relieving relief or longing. “Today we will basically just be going over some basics of the greenhouse, though I’d be lying if I said there was much structure to our little club.” She laughed, and so did Ray. A hunch told me they were dating. “All I really ask is that you start to grow one of the plants provided and every couple of weeks or so we discuss our progress and notes on it. Besides that you’re free to do pretty much what you’d like with the space and tools provided, we even had some students try to grow exotic fruit last year with varying degrees of effectiveness.”

She continued on like this, giving a heartfelt message about how she hoped they could all get along and how this would be a great year for them and the club and yada yada yada. I got a little bored by it all, and judging by Sabi’s facial expression, she was too. Admittedly, I respected Melissa’s passion, but I was never one for passionate speeches. Sabi looked at me when Melissa turned her back and mouthed “Blah blah blah” and I couldn’t help but smile, no offence to Melissa.

As the speech ended, the members all started to disperse and go sit in their only little corners doing their own little things. I felt awkward, where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to do? I grabbed a pot, put some soil into it, and started to peruse the various seeds that I could use for my plant assignment.

I decided to pick out a Cyclamen flower. They were small and didn’t take too much effort to grow although their heart-shaped leaves, and small flowers were quite endearing. Quickly putting them into the potting soil, I felt comfortable with the feeling of dirt around my fingers, and how the seed felt smooth and without blemish.

“Cyclamens huh?” A voice from behind startled me and I dropped my flower pot. Thankfully, I was able to catch it in mid-air, not without spilling some dirt that I knew I’d have to clean up. “Wow, nice going clutz.” These words were punctuated with a laugh that I just knew had to be Sabi’s. Her name…It was odd, soft on the tongue in a way I didn’t expect anything about her to be.

“What do you want, Sabi?” I bent down to clean up the dirt, scooping it up into my hands after putting my pot on the table, the white-haired girl watching me dutifully from behind, like some sort of ghost or spectator.

She seemed to stop for a moment as if internally asking herself the same question I had asked. It didn’t matter to me how long she took, I fancied the thought of her just being eternally paralyzed, being unable to move from that position and becoming a stone statue in this greenhouse. But her subtle blinking, the shifting of her body, and the way her eyes seemed to look me over in judgment all pointed to her still being able to move. It was just that she was currently choosing not to.

“Do you want to stop by my house…later?” Was she asking me that last bit or was she asking herself if that would work? I wasn’t able to tell. The first bit sounded like a demand before her voice sputtered like an engine and seemed to power off during that last word, her confidence wavering for just a moment and revealing a vulnerable underside to this armoured beast. Did I want to? Never mind the fact it wasn’t a choice…Yes. Yes, I decided I did want to. Why? Well, maybe, just maybe, something about this girl seemed to burn away at the emptiness within. It was something about her spontaneousness, or perhaps her cold exterior, but something about her made me feel…something. I wasn’t sure what, but something was better than nothing come rain or shine.

“Well…I guess I don’t have anything better to do.” I shrugged it off as if this was “no big deal” and that getting invited to random girls’ homes was something that “happened all the time”. That’s when it hit me. I was going to some random girl's home…not just a random girl, but a potentially dangerous and mentally ill random girl. But as I looked at her face, a sick and twisted smile formed as she stared at me, and I knew there was no getting out of this now. I had dug my grave and had no choice but to lie down with the earth.

“Good! Now I’m gonna do my thing here and then we’re gonna leave this stupid place and I’ll show you something really cool.” She marched off with pride in her step, grabbing a couple of seed packets and pots with her and spreading them out on a table.

She was odd, and I felt as if I had just signed a pact with Satan. There was a certain dissonance between my mind and body, and my eyes only departed from her body a couple of seconds after my initial command. I didn’t look at her for the rest of the club meeting. There were activities, a discussion of favourite plants, (I like Sunflowers personally) a quiz on botany, (I took first place), and an icebreaker game to get to know each other (everyone’s answers were so bland besides Sabi’s, hers were just concerning). It was no time at all when the clock started to chime and the club time had waned down to none.

We were told to take home our projects, and so, I took my potted seed and tried to leave, only to make it approximately 3 metres before I saw stopped by a hand gripping my shoulder like a hydraulic press. “Don’t think you can just skip out on our date.” Date? I turned to face Sabi. Was this a date now? I wondered if that mattered. The word date was just a term used for an arranged meeting after all, romantic connotations were merely the folly of a young mind.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of it.” I noticed that she held in her hands a pot of her own, although hers was already a sprout and around 6 inches tall. She must’ve grabbed one already growing from the greenhouse, something technically allowed for members of the botany club, and yet I don’t think it was something particularly encouraged. I didn’t care. It was irrelevant. I was just here to absolve a feeling from my gut, or rather, to impose some sense of it back where it was absent. I was filling a hole, merging a gap. That was all this was, or perhaps that was also the speak of that dreaded emptiness that ate at my thoughts like a corrupting moss.

Sabi, with her pot in tow, led me through the streets of the city with formulaic yet chaotic know-how. She’d dart through back alleys that I’d dare not go through, move past people that I’d dare not cross, and triumphantly make her presence seen in ways that, being her position, I’d shrink away from the spotlight. All the while this routine seemed overdone, as if this was part of a grand act that she performed for the world every day. No. As I watched her with fascination I realized this could not be the case. This couldn't be an act, Sabi wasn’t acting, as much as I simply couldn’t accept her for who she was. She was an unfiltered mess of a person, and yet was stronger than I would ever be. I was simply viewing her movements as an act because of my inherent distrust and assumptions of delusions.

Her house wasn’t on the good side of town; in fact, her house resided in a dreary, rusting and dirty apartment building. There was a man with a cardboard sign sitting outside, and a little hat in which coins were collected. As we walked by him Sabi paid him no mind. I, on the other hand, looked him in the eyes, fishing out a dollar from my pocket and placing it in the hat. As our gaze met, I saw a mirror. His eyes had the same look of decay as my own, shaking me to the core with realization. Pulling myself away took the strength of a man pulling himself from quicksand, and I made a sharp pace to enter the apartment building, pushing open the dirty glass door.

The front lobby was the same as the outside, consisting of a dirty carpet and dingy wallpaper that peeled like rotting bark, not to mention the smell reminded me of a time when I had been stuck inside the school bathroom stall whilst a couple committed sinful acts in the stall next to me, and I was too scared to leave for fear of them hearing me, so I simply sat on the toilet seat with my knees up and held my breath until they finished up and left. This place had the same smell of general distaste, sweat, and sin.

…

“So, what d’ya think?” Sabi looked expectantly at me as we entered her apartment. Unsurprisingly, it featured the same dreaded wallpaper and general smell, but something about it was a little more home-ish. There was a kitchen attached to both a living room and a dining room. Down the hall was a bedroom (her father’s), and a bathroom. Down another hall on the opposite end of the apartment was her room, and two closets.

“It’s pretty nice.” I lied through my teeth. “W-Why did you bring me here anyway?” My nerves shot up when talking about the topic of my visit. The unlocked memory of that time in the bathroom stall had heightened something within me, and I would be lying to say that my mind wasn’t distorting toward thoughts of romance and lust. Suddenly I was focusing on her more intently, the subtle way her lips pursed when I asked her a question, or perhaps her hands and soft, pale skin. Maybe her eyes? Or the slight way her breasts made an imprint on her tank top, or perhaps the way her skirt-

Suddenly she approached me, backing me up against the walls and pinning me with an arm above my right shoulder, her face mere inches from mine as I pressed myself against the wall in an attempt to give myself as much space from her as possible. Was she a mind reader? It would be really bad if she was a mind reader, especially if she had been reading those embarrassing and deplorable thoughts.

“Because.” Her breath licked my face, and surprisingly it smelt of roasted apples. “You’re disliked by everyone you meet, and are an all-around freak of a human being.” Suddenly the playful licking of her breath turned to painful clawing as her hurtful words hit me. I was a freak, yeah, that much was certain. Did everyone I met really hate me? I started to think that if she was declaring it so strongly and passionately then it had to be true. “Awww.” Her voice softened, and the breaths regained their playful feeling. “I’m not saying that to hurt you, I just wanted you to know what I brought you here.”

“Huh? What does that mean.” I quietly whispered these words out, watching how her lips once again pursed when I asked her a question. My delusion couldn’t decide whether they were inviting or hostile.

“You’re like me, we’re both outcasts. When I first laid eyes on you I couldn’t help but think that you were just about the saddest human being I had ever seen.” I couldn’t see myself at that moment, but I imagined that I looked crestfallen as Sabi said this to me. “So that’s why I brought you here, I suppose.” She moved right next to my ear, her breath tickling my earlobe. “I found you interesting is all.” This sent shivers throughout my body. It also helped burn away at that emptiness just a little bit more. Maybe she wasn’t all bad, and maybe being near her wasn’t as dangerous as I had presumed it to be. Maybe night was day and vice versa. And maybe I was a fool. Maybe’s were a fickle thing, after all. “Come on, I want to show you something, I suppose you could say it’s the real reason I joined the botany club.”

I let this girl string me along to her room, not expecting anything yet expecting everything all the same. Her room was small and contained a small, singular mattress, a small desk, and a singular, head-sized mirror hung up on the wall. There was no dresser and I assumed all her clothes were in the closets. What she showed me wasn’t underwhelming, nor would I dare claim that it was overwhelming, no I think a more apt description would be: Surprising.

Behind her bed was a hole in the wall that, apparently, doubled as a secret compartment, although I could have sworn I heard the squeaking of mice. After placing her plant on the desk she walked to the bed and pulled out a box that contained a lighter and a bunch of cigarettes. I saw the orange and white combined with ash and was speechless before she took out the lighter and put the box away. “What’s with that look?” She had seen my agape eyes. “Do you want a cigarette?”

“N-No, thank you,” I answered quickly so I didn’t give myself any time to actually think about whether or not I wanted one. It was better that way, my mind wasn’t in a good state at all to be making decisions like that. She looked at me weirdly, examining my body language and causing beads of sweat to have a torrential downpour on my brow before she stopped, walking over to her desk where she had placed down the potted plant. She thumbed the lighter, and a quiet hush came over the room as the main focus of light was no longer the bulb overhead, but the small bead of fire that erupted from the indent of the lighter.

The flame was silent, and yet its beauty entranced me. Or perhaps the beauty that entranced me more was the wide-eyed girl beside the flame that stared at it with a fascinated gaze that I was envious wasn’t upon myself. It flickered and danced around, slowly, savouring every moment of its hushed existence. The flame was brought to the sprout in a pot, and it was but for a moment that they coexisted peacefully, licking and dancing with one another without a reason or a rhyme, and yet that couldn’t exist for all of the time.

After these precious seconds of duality, the flame’s licking became gnawing, and I watched as fire enveloped the green sprout, eating it and turning it into ash that joined the soil, the embers creating beautiful light. It was scary, the fire was terrifying to me, and yet, from my safe distance, a safe distance I was merely imagining because, in the back of my mind, I knew any slight mistake could lead to this entire place inflamed, I felt a sense of beauty in this safe viewing of fear. Clearly, Sabi felt the same way, her eyes fixed on the pot until all the embers had died.

“Beautiful, right?” She asked, not taking her eyes off the pot

I nodded, she was right, and I felt like my voice would only ruin the moment. I regarded the girl standing next to me, her white hair, the reddish pink of her eyes. I had been afraid to look her in the eyes, this entire time, and yesterday too, I had always looked somewhere else. Cheek, forehead, eyelids, anywhere besides direct eye contact. But now, I could see that her eyes were a light red, and combined with her hair that made her albino. Right? Yes, I was certain that was the correct term. She was unique both physically and mentally.

Looking out a small window near her bed, the sun beginning to get lower in the sky, she sighed deeply. “You should leave, we’ll hang out again, I’m sure of it.” Her words had some bite to them; it wasn’t even masquerading as a question, it was an assured event, something that she would make certain occurred. I let go of a breath I hadn’t known I was holding when she looked my way. It was then I realized something. Staring her in the eyes I realized that the emptiness in my gut had receded like the tides, and I was feeling things more vividly than I had all week. “Go on, you need to leave.” Why? I didn’t know, but she was adamant about me getting out of there, even accompanying me all the way outside of the apartment before disappearing back inside the dingy building.

…

“You’re back late, how was the club?” As Polly asked me this as I returned I almost didn’t understand the question at first, haven forgot entirely about the botany club due to my encounter with Sabi. Father was at the dinner table, eating spaghetti with his laptop on the table, tapping away with a look of boredom before he focused on me and it was replaced with hesitance.

“Oh yeah, it was pretty fun, I think I’ve made a new friend.” Was friend really the right word to classify Sabi under? For Polly it was, but I wasn’t actually sure if we considered each other friends. “I’m glad I joined.” This was the first truthful sentence I’d spoken in a while, and I was proud to say that I said it with a smile.

Father smiled too, and I sat down at the table, and we enjoyed a happy meal. “Basil, I’m proud of you for being open and going out to do your hobbies.” Father ruffled my hair with a hand and I felt that emptiness recede some more.

…

Saturday, or at least the morning, was uneventful. I debated on going back to see Sabi, but was too much of a coward to act on that thought, especially since our last encounter had ended rather abruptly. All there was to do was wait for the concert to start. Sunny and his band, the Sunny that Aubrey liked, and the Sunny that was so damn neutral. We were the best of friends, or at least, we were. Recently we’d started to drift, in the last two years was when it happened, right when the school in Faraway burned down and Sunny met his current band mates.

As I walked to the place where the concert would start, the cafe in Faraway Plaza, the quaint little shop in which Sunny would ascend a stage with new friends and sing his heart out with more emotion than he was capable of displaying normally, I remembered a time in which the only one who got that much emotion out of him was myself, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit bitter that others were now getting the same show I once got all for myself.

As I entered the cafe, I was gestured over to a table where Kel and Aubrey were already sitting. Not being able to meet Aubrey’s gaze I instead sat across from Kel, Aubrey on my left. We talked, but I quickly ordered some tea and sipped on it a whole lot to ease this feeling of awkwardness. Our conversations were simple and muted, they didn’t mean much other than formally, and I felt the emptiness settling over me before Sunny’s act even began.

“Alright let me welcome to the stage The Maladies Harmonies.” Sunny’s band group was ushered onto stage, and immediately Sunny took the centre stage.

“Alright, today we’ve got a treat for everyone.” The crowd, which had to be comprised of about 80 people, all cheered for Sunny. “We’re unveiling a brand new song, one called Harmony’s Duality.”

The song started, and the audience dimmed to hushed whispers. “Father saint and Mary I hope you understand that your sermons are fucked and I need to take a stand.” Drums, harsh guitar riffs and some psychedelic keys sounded out throughout the cafe. Sunny’s vocals were good, and yet, something about them was off to me. It was like he was on the crust of proclaiming something of any true bearing but always teetering on the edge.

There was one verse, one verse that I didn’t catch that sounded sincere. I heard how it ended. “Under any definition of the word.” That was how it ended. Whatever he had said before had sounded completely raw and emotional, and yet for the life of me I couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter. I didn’t really care about the lyrics to some dumb song, I was just annoyed that he was getting so much praise while I was sinking in the mud. It was infuriating that out of all my friends, it seemed like I was the most broken one. Even Aubrey kept herself together better than I did, not that we talked much outside of school as much as she tried to initiate hangouts. I learned that I was really good at dodging them.

There were a couple more songs that were played. They all passed by with generally positive reception from the crowd. Despite my mind wanting to find any reason to dislike the music, I had to admit that Sunny was going places if he kept it up.

…

“That was amazing Sunny!” Kel congratulated our friend as we retreated to the hangout spot after the performance, Kel having brought lemonade that I was so gluttonously helping myself to a glass whilst I sat on the picnic blanket.

“I agree!” Aubrey replied enthusiastically, only further reminding me of where her affections lay.

Sunny laughed. “Come on you guys, all this praise is going to go to my head.” There was tranquillity settling on his face as he stared up into the sky like some sort of ignorant fool. The misanthropy was returning to me in full swing as well.
“Your voice, it felt off for some reason. Like you weren’t fully into it at every part.” For some reason I voiced my criticism, instantly turning the heads of the group.

“What do you mean?” Kel asked as I stared down at the picnic blanket, averting my gaze from the rest of the ground. I expected Sunny to say something, and when he didn’t I continued.

“Well, it felt like you weren’t being entirely truthful with yourself when singing, that it was contrived to some degree.” Silence blanketed the group, a silence that implored me to shut up, and yet I didn’t. Driven by emptiness, and a desire to get some sort of reaction, I barrelled through mounds of gunpowder. “There was only one line, that one that came before the ‘Under any definition of the word’ line.” I looked up for a second and saw Sunny staring dumbfounded, a look of horror settling in his eyes. “It just felt as if you could have been trying a little bit harder, you know.”

“What do you know about hardships?” Sunny was biting his lip so hard that I could see blood whenever he opened his mouth to speak. “What would someone who hides away all day know about stuff like this? Singing in front of a crowd is hard, you know!”

Sunny stood up, and so, naturally, I did too. I wasn’t sure what would happen, and I was certain that my standing up wouldn’t make much of a difference, but it simply felt natural to do so. “Hey!” Kel stood between us, and Aubrey followed suit, staring at me with confusion while Kel eyed both of us with the silent sorrow of a dull rain. He didn’t want to see his friends fight, he was the one that always advocated for group activities and who always was looking out for the sake of the group with Hero and Mari gone off to college. Effectively, he was the glue, and ironically, he was attempting to keep me and Sunny apart.

“I suppose that’s true.” I continued with disregard for Kel or Aubrey, emotions welling up from within an abyss. “But why do you think you know hardship? Do you honestly think your happy life with your fans?! Your spotlight! And all your friends, lovers, and family members supporting your every move!” I was yelling now, and Kel and Aubrey were lost as to what to do.”Do you think you understand me?! Are you really that vain?!” I laughed.

Sunny barrelled through Kel, surprising the bigger guy enough that he practically let him go through. Or perhaps Kel just thought I deserved whatever was coming to me. In any case, Sunny proceeded to hammer his fist into my face, knocking me to the ground before getting atop me and proceeding to wail on me with animalistic instinct, his every hit and blow drawing blood whilst I merely wore a solitary smile. I couldn’t deny that pain was feeling, and feeling was the opposite of emptiness, and the opposite of emptiness was a full life. So pain was the full life experience, and what I was experiencing at the moment was painful as hell!

…

As I returned home, blood dripping down my face from my nose and mouth, a black eye, and a sore feeling I just couldn’t shake, I heard sirens.

There was a fire, and the smoke was rising from my house.

Chapter Text

It was gone, burned to the ground. As I sat down on the floor of my new room, in my new apartment, nearly a week later, I reminisced about that terrible day. I managed to burn my already terrible relationship with my friends metaphorically while my house burned down literally. The only connection I had to my dead grandmother was now completely gone, just like she was.

I had a mattress on the floor and a small desk that was purchased from IKEA and assembled hastily by myself in such a way that any amount of strain made me sure it would collapse. The wall was a dull gray, and the familiar floral wallpaper of my old home was reduced to complete nothingness. My mind was one of the last hiding places where my old home would exist, devoid of any real substance just like all my thoughts were.

A week had passed by so fast. I hadn’t spoken so much as a word to any of my old friends, and despite sharing multiple classes, Sunny hadn’t so much as stared in my direction, which was fine by me. I hated him! I hated his stupid, undeserved good looks and the way everyone swooned and felt pity for him.

Perhaps most confusing of all was the fact that I hadn’t seen Sabi around lately. She was someone that I was hoping to see more of, and yet, just when I could have used her most, she completely disappeared? Sigh Why does stuff like this always happen at the most inconvenient moments? Is it a curse? I thought to myself, solemnly.

“Basil! Come on, it’s dinner time!” Polly’s sickly sweet voice called out from the kitchen. I let out another sigh that was becoming my signature before departing my barren room. There was a small hallway that connected the bedrooms, bathroom, and closet to the kitchen, living room, and dining room. This hallway and the rest of the house all had the same dreary gray wall colouring.

A small black table sat in the middle of the gray dining room. Polly, daring to smile, sat at the head of the table, awaiting what I could only assume were both me and my father. There were plates located on the right side and the other head of the table respectively. Polly had seemed mighty happy since the house burned down. Both she and Father had seemed to not mind that much. For some reason, that made me unreasonably angry, and I hated feeling such strong and negative emotions, though it was a nice change from feeling nothing.

I took my seat, and the last to arrive, Father, emerged from his room in full, dishevelled glory. “Wow, this smells good Polly!” Father smiled at her, and she reciprocated this show of affection. The meal in question was spaghetti, spaghetti with meatballs and cheese. It was good, but I was too spiteful of their good cheer to reveal that to them.

…

The next Monday was nothing special; at least, the school day wasn’t. The usual happened, except for one thing: In the cafeteria, at lunch hour, whilst sitting by myself, I noticed a familiar figure wisp her way out into the hall, a familiar white-haired girl.

A sudden, inexplicable urge struck me, compelling me to chase after her. Darting into the hallway after her I once again saw only a wisp of her hair dart around a corner, keeping at the edge of my vision like she was the end of a rainbow. No, rainbows were boundless light, unlike Sabi, who still was contained within the borders of the school and therefore could be cornered.

This thought of mine, a fleeting moment of foolish idealization, was shattered instantly when I saw her white hair wisp away into a room that I absolutely couldn’t follow into. I looked up above the door she had disappeared into, and the women’s washroom sign greeted me with an evil grin. This was certainly a dirty trick. But there was no guarantee that she was running from me, and that was just an assumption of mine. I sighed and consigned myself to wait, about to walk a little bit away from the girl's washroom so as not to be labelled a pervert before a voice stopped me in my tracks.

“Come on coward. Where’s your resolve?” The voice, which undoubtedly came from Sabi’s mouth, was sounding out from behind the door to the women’s washroom.

Swallowing a lump in my throat, I replied. “Well, I can’t just go into the women’s washroom. Are you insane?” That was a mistake on my part; asking a question that I already knew the answer to.

It took just a second for the door to open, and for me to foolishly assume she was coming out to talk to me. Again, I was wrong, yet another rapidly developing trend. Her pale hand reached out, grabbing onto my arm and lurching my body forward, inside the women’s washroom before slamming the door behind me. I quickly tried to grab the metal handle and escape but Sabi shut down this plan by moving her foot in the way of the door, easily overpowering me.

“Sabi! Come on! What if I get caught in here?” It was just then as I looked the girl over that I noticed she was a little different. She wore a short skirt with a gray hoodie that looked too big for her. The wardrobe change wasn’t the issue, though: the issue was that her right eye had developed a ghoulish purple tint around it: She had a black eye. “Sabi…are you okay?” My voice was audibly quieter than it had been before, and my attempts at leaving had ground to a halt.

“We’ll be fine. Stop being a baby.” She ignored my last question at first, focusing on the first thing I’d said. “This is the farthest washroom from the cafeteria, it would be extremely inconvenient for anyone to use this place during lunch hour.” She had a point, we had run a fair distance to get here. “Also, don’t worry about me, it’s not your problem Bas-”

“But I want to know,” I said adamantly, wondering why it was I felt so strongly all of the sudden. My fist was clenched, and there was a hint of an emotion brewing on my face. Side-eyeing myself in the mirror I realized that I looked somewhat angry. Was I angry that someone had possibly hurt her? Was that it? I couldn’t tell. “Come on, you made me run all this way, telling me is the least you could do.”

She stopped, contemplating what I had said as she looked around the washroom. The floor was tiled with black and white checker-board-esque pieces. There were three stalls, white, plaster walls, and of course no urinals. Across from the stalls were three sinks with pink soap dispensers, a black paper towel dispenser, and a container attached to the wall that dispensed tampons, a dispenser that made me certain this was not a place I was ever supposed to be when I looked at it.

“I just…got into a fight is all. It’s not really any of your business.” She turned her face away from mine, a slight blush taking over her pale cheeks and her light red eyes avoiding mine at all costs. “But…” Her tone softened. “It’s nice of you to-”

“Thank god we got away from that crowd, I hate using the washroom with so many people around.” Female voices stopped Sabi in her tracks, quickly grabbing my arm and pulling me into the stall farthest from the door, pulling us together so that we were pressed up against each other’s fronts and clasping her left hand over my mouth, pressing a finger to her lips.

“You’re so right Stacy.” The door opened, and I could hear two girls enter, their shoes making audible taps against the tiled floor. “I really hate having to wait to use the washroom.” It appeared that Sabi had been wrong; we had been interrupted after all.

They were going to find us, and I was terrified of what would happen once they did. Sabi and I were in a very terrible position, and no doubt if they opened the stall or looked over the walls they would see us huddled together and think that we were doing perverted things. I could only imagine the rumours that would spread around the school, and the increased bullying both me and her would face.

The steps grew closer, and I held my breath, not feeling confident enough to make even the slightest noise while I and Sabi stared into each other's eyes. Upon closer inspection, she was very pretty. She had pale skin like porcelain and a face that was almost completely blemish free except for a small freckle underneath her right eye in the shape of a tear. She wore the faintest bit of eye shadow and had three small moles on her right ear.

As one of the girls entered the stall farthest away from us, another stood outside the stall as a lookout, and so they could both chat. Their conversations ranged from boys to shopping, to other girls, to the most mundane and superficial things that even without seeing their faces, I could tell they were part of the popular clique.

Suddenly, and without warning, Sabi grabbed me and pulled me even closer, embracing me as she rested her head on my shoulder. “Don’t get the wrong idea.” She whispered. “I just couldn’t stand your creepy staring.” Her cheeks were red, and so were mine. Her body was so warm and pleasant. Being close to her was enough to drive out some of the emptiness inside me, filling instead with the fire of her soul.

I was about to say something, to retort to her claim that my staring was creepy. I opened my mouth and she moved closer to me, her lips encapsulating mine and trapping me into a kiss, effectively silencing me as I felt her warm mouth meet my own. It was a connection, a small connection between us that was just as fiery as the girl kissing me was. Our faces were beet red, and there was an understanding between us that this was simply something Sabi was doing to silence me, and nothing more. Despite this, she seemed content to just let us kiss, only breaking apart because any longer would make us gasp audibly for air when we broke apart.

There was now a part of me that hoped those girls never left, and that we could stay like this forever. This was juxtaposed by the part of me that was terrified of them finding us, and whenever they’d stop talking even for an instant, my breathing hitched a little out of fear. Sabi’s breathing hitched in time with mine, and occasionally I could have sworn that she was pressing herself as close to me as possible. Not that I minded.

Eventually, the two girls washed their hands and left the bathroom, allowing both Sabi and me to let out large sighs of pure relief and bliss. To my disappointment, and yet I was hasty to do it, we broke our connection and practically fell over each other to escape the confines of our stall, both gasping for the air we had been so skeptical to grab at for fear of being caught.

“Basil, we’re skipping school.”

“What?”

“You heard me.” Sabi didn’t seem to be asking. She had made up her mind, and my only option was to follow her commands.

“Alright, you lead the way.” I was content to follow her, content to have her burn away at that emptiness more and more.

…

She led us back to her place, taking careful cadence so we were able to escape from the school without being noticed and reported. It wasn’t that hard. The school had a lot of students to look after; they couldn’t be bothered by the actions of two lowly students such as ourselves. It was as she led me back to her place that I realized she lived quite close to my apartment. We were a couple of blocks away and probably around a 5-minute walk.

As she fished keys out of a skirt pocket and fumbled to open the door, it finally hit me. She pulled me into her apartment, and all that stood out to me was the bright light of the girl in front of me, a forest fire in front of a flickering flame, eclipsing my dull glow a hundredfold. This girl had kissed me, this attractive girl with white hair and red eyes had actually kissed me. I’d never kissed someone before, it was a new and foreign experience, and yet one I was somewhat eager to repeat. Not that I’d let her know that.

Collapsing onto the brown cashmere couch in her living room and letting out an exhausted sigh, Sabi looked at me just standing by the door awaiting commands or allowance to do anything. This was her house, after all, and I didn’t want to do something that would accidentally upset her.

Sabi addressed my awkwardly standing self. “My father won’t be home for a day or two, he’s gone out of town for something or other.” These words incited my imagination, causing me to have to shut it down before the thoughts ran too rampant. “Don’t just stand around, have a seat or something, your legs are gonna thank you.” Grateful for her permission, I made my way toward her and took a seat adjacent to her on the sofa. “And for heaven's sake take that musty brown beanie off.” Oh yeah, I’d forgotten that I was wearing it. It was more routine to just put it on in the morning at this point.

As commanded, I took the brown beanie off, revealing the black roots that were swiftly spreading to other areas of my formally blonde-coloured hair. This seemed almost entrancing to Sabi, who stared at my hair for a little bit before coming to her senses. “Your hair is black? I never knew you dyed it.”

“Well, it’s not something I go announcing to other people,” I responded in jest, much to Sabi’s huffing and puffing.

“Well if you didn’t wear that stupid beanie all the time maybe it’d be more apparent.” She shoved me to the point I almost fell off the couch. “The roots honestly look a little cool.” Hearing a compliment come out of her mouth was one of the most absurd things I’d heard all day. “I wanted to ask you…about your house burning down.” If there ever was a sentence that had sucked the life out of me, it was that one.

“What…about it.”

“Well…” She turned toward me, her eyes sparkling as I’d never seen before. “Was it beautiful?” She was awe-struck as she questioned me about the tragedy that had befallen my grandmother’s home. “The fire, I mean.” Yes, I had gathered that much.

The view of the flames entered my mind, the way they devoured everything, the image of my home aflame, and the image of my father, soot-covered, holding Polly as she cried. He shook and shook, not used to being outside, not liking being outside. Finally, Father passed out and was rushed to the hospital. The doctor said that the reason he passed out with a mixture of stress and the intake of smoke. Father had saved Polly from the fire all by himself.

But by the time the fire department came around, the house was beyond saving, and the only remains were the insurance dollars my Father received in the coming days, swiftly finding us an apartment to rent for the time being.

Could I call the flame beautiful? Was destruction beautiful? Was the way it ate at the wood and spewed black smoke up into the sky beautiful? What was beauty anyway? Sabi was beautiful. Sabi was fiery. Fire was beautiful. “Yes, yes it was very beautiful.” I sighed and leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling fan. “It took away the last remnant of my grandmother from me, and reduced her memory to ash.”

“Destruction is beauty, creation is disgusting.” Replied Sabi robotically. “That’s what my mother used to say anyway.”

“Used to?”

Now it was Sabi’s turn to sigh. “My mother left a long time ago, due to my father being an abusive asshole.”

“That’s horrible.” I was drawn to the memories of the night when Mother left after her argument with Father. Was she never coming back? Would I never see her again? These questions stirred emotions inside of me that I didn’t quite know how to place.

“Well that’s not the worst part, this was a couple of years back but he took his anger out on me since Mother had left.” She tapped the bruise around her eye. “I had much worse than a black eye that time.”

I audibly gasped. So that black eye was the result of a scuffle with her Father. “Was that why you were absent from school? Your Father?”

…

“Yeah.” The spark in her eye was gone, the flame had been blown out. “This is a depressing conversation. Please stay here for a second.” She stood up and walked toward her room, opening the door and closing it behind her, disappearing from view.

It didn’t take long for her to reemerge, holding two items in her hands. A lighter and a pack of smokes. She took her place sitting down next to me and started to fiddle with the box, taking out two cigarettes. “Let’s have a smoke. It helps after conversations such as these.” She held one out for me, wiggling her fingers enticingly.

“Oh no, I can’t-”

“Open your mouth.” Sabi blatantly commanded as she stared at me expectantly. Not one to make her wait, I parted my lips slightly, allowing her to place the cigarette between them, pressing my chin up and pursing my lips together.

The cigarette felt weird in my mouth, slightly bitter but overtly tasteless. A taboo feeling settled over me, the feeling that this was undoubtedly a wrong action and yet the enticement to continue forward regardless. It was the same sort of feeling I got when I was with that vile man: The feeling of Something.

The opposite of the Nothing.

“Here.” Sabi placed a cigarette in her mouth and lit the lighter, creating a small, flickering flame that made Sabi smile as her eyes darted to it. She placed the lighter underneath the small stick of death popping out from my mouth, and I felt the smoke start to enter, the feeling of slow suffocation starting to make me panic. “Inhale, you have to inhale stupid.”

Inhaling, I felt the smoke flow down my throat and settle down in my lungs, sending a dulling euphoria throughout my body that seemed to fog out the bad thoughts. It was bitter, and yet, sweet all at the same time. It was akin to sickly sweet honey sliding down one's throat slowly and disgustingly, and yet, the disgusting feeling was a distraction from more depressing things.

“It’s nice, right?” Sabi asked. I nodded and she smiled, lighting her cigarette and taking a puff, blowing out the smoke at the ceiling, creating little rings.

“That’s cool!” The rings were nice, providing some form to the senseless cigarette smoke like a lion tamer taming the wild beast that was a lion.

“Really? Well, maybe I’ll have to teach you sometime.” Sabi said with a smile, examining my face as I took another puff of the cigarette, feeling another wave of relief. Maybe smoking wasn’t all bad, I mean, it had allowed me to get a little closer to Sabi after all.

“When did you start smoking?”

“Around the same time my mother left, they’re easy enough to buy if you know the right people.” Sabi sounded somewhat proud of her ability to procure the cigarettes. “You’re lucky that I’ve decided to tolerate you, Basil.” I finished with my cigarette, and Sabi snatched it from me and took it to the kitchen, throwing it, and her cigarette, in her trashcan. “If you ever feel the urge for a smoke, send me a text.”

“I don’t have your phone number,” I told her.

“Oh?” She tapped her chin. “You’re asking me for my number? How bold.”

“W-Wait. I didn’t-” She cut me off by rattling off digits, and I quickly fished out my phone to record them, making a new contact. “Okay, I got it.” I finished creating her new contact.

“You’re welcome.” She smirked. “If you stay here for any longer you’re going to miss Botany club. Are you okay with that?”

“Yes, it’s nice here.”

That sentence caught Sabi off guard, and she seemingly stopped in her tracks to observe me. “Basil, have you ever kissed someone before? I mean, before…you know.”

Telling the truth, I shook my head. “No, that was…that was the first time I’d ever kissed someone.” My first kiss had been hiding in a stall in the woman’s restroom, not exactly something I could go around talking about.

She laughed a little. “Wow, that’s pathetic.”

“Well have you ever kissed someone before?” I asked somewhat defensively.

“Pfft, I’m not telling you.” She scoffed, flipping around the lighter in her hand. “Don’t you know a lady always keeps her secrets?” Sabi? A lady? A lady brought to my mind a distinguished woman in a fancy dress and someone who looked nothing like the woman standing in front of me.

We had a nice time together, but I, regrettably, eventually had to go home.

…

As I sat in my room, flipping through various stories on my phone, one image caught my eye. It was the image of a man, a pedophile who had been arrested for doing things to a minor.

That could have been me. If I had followed through with my request that day then I'm sure I would have probably crossed paths with someone exactly just like him.

Then I got a text, a text from Sabi.

Sabi: Hey, Basil. This weekend I’ve decided we’re going on a date. Sunday, 8 PM. Be there!

Chapter Text

It’s Mari. Can we talk?

It was honestly later than I expected when I’d first gotten a text from Mari. At first, I’d assumed that she would have texted me the day after Sunny and I’s fight, and yet here she was, a week and a half later texting me while I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Could we talk? Was I up for that? It didn’t matter, I had already opened her message, the little “read” symbol would be transmitted to her device, and if I didn’t reply she’d notice I’d ignored her, and of course, outright denying her was not an option.

Basil: Yes, of course.

I replied, and within minutes my phone rang. I let it ring once, not daring to slide my finger across the screen and answer it. I let it ring a second time, and then a third, and then, when I was absolutely sure I couldn’t let it ring any longer, I finally picked up.

“Hello, Basil! How have you been?” Hearing Mari’s cheery and pleasant voice talking to me as she always talked to me was refreshing. Half of me had expected her to be angry, but I suppose even I should have expected Mari to still be kind and considerate, even if her little brother and I weren’t on good terms

“I’ve been…okay.” I was such a liar. Okay was not at all an apt description of anything that had happened since my grandmother passed. Though I was a bit fond of what was happening with Sabi, I couldn’t label that entire situation as okay either. “How have you been?” Taking the heat off me was nice.

Moonlight was streaming in through the window, casting a shadow down by my bedside, providing a small glimpse of beautiful illumination,

“I’ve been very busy.” She laughed, a motherly laugh that was somewhat distorted through my phone speaker. “University is hard, especially when I have to help Hero whenever he doesn’t understand a concept.” She laughed again. “He’s doing well though, and I’ve been encouraging him to keep up his cooking hobby.”

Hero and Mari, the lover's duo that always made it work despite any issues. Would my relationship with Sabi…? If I could even call what we had a relationship. Would it last that long? Was something as fiery as that able to sustain itself for long? I would sure like to hope so.

“Anyway, what I actually called you to talk about was Sunny.” I clenched my fist. I hated him, he was an arrogant asshole. “I heard that you and Sunny got into a bit of a fight a little bit ago. I’d like to formally apologize for him, I’m sorry for what he did.”

An apology?

I doubted it was one from Sunny

But still, an apology wasn’t the expected result.

Scolding

Abandonment

Or perhaps harsh reprimanding.

But an apology? How odd.

“I know that your grandmother died recently.”

Oh, that was why. Father and Mother must have decided to make that public. Now it was known, and I had an excuse for any actions I may make starting now. An excuse that I could utilize, but I was certain I wouldn’t. Something about falling of my own accord was oh so tantalizingly sweet.

“I’m sure you’re grieving, and if you ever are feeling down or anything don’t hesitate to call or text me.” Mari continued. “Come on Basil, promise me.”

“...” What was I supposed to say to that? Should I…

“Promise me.” She repeated.

“I promise.” Mari had given me my photo album as well as my camera, and it was at that moment that I realized that they were both gone. The fire had claimed them. Perhaps that’s why I could promise her something that I had no intent to keep good on. I almost caught myself crossing my fingers behind my back like I was in some sort of TV show.

…

I didn’t get any sleep that night.

…

The school week went by pretty fast once again, and yet again Sabi was almost nowhere to be found, her habit of skipping school increasing by the day. I would have to confront her about it on our date. I needed to explain to her the proper value of a good education. One could even say that was the entire reason I was going, and not because of any attraction I may have felt toward her at any given moment.

When the day finally arrived, I thought she was going to call off the whole thing. I sat on my bed with my phone sitting upright to my side, practically awaiting any sort of response from her or acknowledgement that it was still going to happen. The clock started to tick down and nothing. Hesitantly, I hovered my hand over the phone. I was going to text her and ask if we were still on for the date today.

Bzzt

Before I could even type a single letter Sabi sent me a text.

Sabi: You still have to come on the date. No skipping.

That worked out well.

Basil: I’ll be there.

With that out of the way, an aura of anxiety was suddenly released, and for the first time since I had awoken, I allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief. Now all there was left was the excruciating wait until 8 pm. There were three hours to go, and I decided to spend the rest of the time caring for my plant assignment, which was now finally starting to bud on my desk. Cyclamens were very easy to care for. All you had to do was place them in indirect sunlight and water now and then. Of course, once the flower grew up a little, there would also be pruning and other sorts of care, and yet, that extra work would only serve as extra comfort. I was excited.

“Basil! Basil, please come out here for a moment!” Father’s voice broke me from theoretical future flowers and theoretical pruning and back to the tangible reality of feasible despair that his voice was practically drowning in as he called me with the ringing of bad news. Something was a brewin', matey. Something was going to ruin this good mood of mind as it always seemed to do. Nevertheless, I made my way out into the dining room where my father was sitting solemnly at the table, his hands clasped in front of his head, covering his mouth and obscuring his expression slightly.

Even so, the sight of someone burdened with the task of delivering bad news was still all too apparent.

“So…Basil…me and your mother have been talking and…” Father started, and I could already tell this was going to be a predictable doozy of a dollop. “We’ve decided that we’re getting a divorce.”

Divorce? Honestly, definitely something I should have thought about and yet it hadn’t once crossed my mind. Mother and Father certainly weren’t happy together, that was something I’d always known, and yet I hadn’t expected a divorce to come about. It wouldn’t affect me that much. It wasn’t as if Mother and Father lived together anyways.

But why did I feel so bad about it?

It was like yet another of my coveted shreds of normality that I just saw torn apart in front of me. The emptiness inside of me pulsed, the Nothing eating away more at Something.

But the divorce stuff could wait. I had to put it to the back of my mind. I couldn’t let it impede my date. That would be terrible and would ruin my entire time with Sabi, which was slowly becoming my only time away from the other stressors of my life, surviving as a lucrative risk reward against all these other depressive places and people.

Sabi would make my whole day better.

This would help me drift away in a cloud of smoke.

…

I knocked on her door three times, honestly surprised that Sabi hadn’t met me at the entrance. Nevertheless, it didn’t take too long for Sabi to open the door, a genuinely wholesome smile crossed her face when she saw me at her front door, only looking through a small crack and not letting me see her fully.

“All right, I suppose you can come in, but don’t allow your eyes to look too much.” She opened the door fully, and that’s when I saw her. She was wearing a matte black short-sleeved shirt that resembled a dress, with an ornate spiral design that flowed around her elaborate outfit, the sleeves themselves puffed out a little, like the kind of thing some girl in the upper-class of renaissance France would wear in the king’s court. Below the waist didn’t disappoint either, as she sported another black garment, specifically a skirt that went down to almost her knees and had the same black ornate swirl pattern. Her hair was done up too, her pixie cut nearly shined with a neat finish that was absent from her usual getup.

She was beautiful.

“I said no staring!” Her face had gone red and she grabbed onto my wrist, swiftly pulling me into her apartment and shutting the door hastily. “Geez, can’t you listen.” I could barely do anything but stare, and in fact, I felt almost embarrassingly under-dressed. I had come prepared with a nice white button-up and black dress pants, and I had even ditched my “dingy brown beanie”, brushed my hair, and added a pink flower clip (one I bought recently as my old ones burned to a crisp).

“S-Sorry.” I turned away from her and focused on the mundane wallpaper that paled in comparison to her. It was like staring at the northern lights and then fixating on a lightbulb to try and replicate the beauty. It was pointless.

She sighed. “At least you dressed up too. You look good without that stupid hat of yours.” Her fiery personality immediately was flaring up and ready to go. Also…that was sort of a compliment, so my face turned somewhat red and my heart skipped a half-beat. I was such a sucker for any sense of affection, even if it was somewhat backhanded. “Are you ready to go?”

“Go?” I asked like a dunce.

“Idiot. We can’t exactly have a date here, come on.” She grabbed my arm once again, causing my heart to skip a full beat this time before she took me out into the hallway, guiding me like she was guiding a dog on a leash.

“W-Where are we going?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, we’ll see when we get there.” She smiled again. “I have a whole thing planned so you’d better not ruin it.” I shut my mouth and didn’t reply, simply letting her guide me into an elevator. The music that played was pleasant and sort of odd for simple elevator music, sounding almost psychedelic. I honestly liked it. It was weird and oh-so-tickling for the brain. “The elevator music here is nice huh? I actually suggested it to the landlord myself, he’s quite the cool guy honestly.” Yeah…this music gave me that kind of vibe.

As we got outside, I saw the sun receding on the horizon, the darkness starting to swallow up the sky with no clouds in sight. The moon and stars would soon be out, and the streetlights were already turning on and lighting our way through the sidewalks we traversed.

“Come on, no time for dilly-dallying.” Sabi pulled me through the streets, wrapping her arm around my own.

As we made our way through the concrete jungle, going deeper into the depths and darting between the brush of buildings and foliage of darkness, I realized that I actually felt like I was going on a date, and that anyone looking at us would assume we were young lovers. A pretty girl gripped my right arm, and we walked around like a genuine couple on their way to a normal date. Of course, I doubted our date would be anything close to normal if Sabi was involved, but still, I was excited that I was doing something that people always talked about doing with other people around me.

Eventually, we made our way to an abandoned subway station. It was across the street from where we were, in the most impoverished neighbourhood of the city. There was a staircase leading down to it that was closed off with tape and barriers that were so laughably climbable that they were no doubt enticing more people to enter than they were keeping up. By the time we reached here, the streetlights and the dim light of the moon and the stars above were the only things lighting our path, and the sun had long since gone away. It was eerie, to say the least, and I must have been shivering a bit as Sabi let out a laugh.

“Come on, is little ol’ Basil scared.” Then, bashfully, she added. “Come on, I spent a fair bit setting this up. Please, just come on, and let's enjoy ourselves okay?”

“Yes, let's enjoy ourselves,” I repeated somewhat skeptically.

And so, together, we bounded over the barriers and yellow safety tape and made our way down the staircase to the abandoned subway. I had to bite my tongue to prevent my teeth from chattering and was barely holding back a flood of fear that was just bursting at the seams.

As we reached the bottom of the stairs, I saw a fairly comforting sight. I had assumed that what we’d see upon reaching the bottom was a place in various states of disarray, and yet, arriving here, I realized that this place not only looked like your average subway station, with lights still working and all, but it was also cleaner than your average subway station, no doubt because a lot fewer people passed by here. On one side was a metallic track with a poster on the other side that was too faded to read, and on the other side, the side we entered from, a platform with a yellow and white concrete floor and a couple of doors off to the side.

“See, it’s not that scary? Right?” When Sabi asked that it sounded almost like a test, with a hint of playfulness in her voice as she let go of my arm, leaving me feeling a little emptier.

I laughed. “You’re right, I suppose I was just being a scaredy cat.”

Sabi looked excited, practically vibrating up and down on the spot and eyeing me with a look that made my heart skip yet another beat, a trend that if kept up might end me in the hospital with a heart attack. “Just you wait! You’re about to see what I have cooked up for tonight!” She grabbed my arm again and pulled me toward the door on our left, a smile of childish whimsy plaguing her red lips.

When she opened that door on the left, all expectations were thrown out the window, The room was not that big, and featured a fairly decently sized mattress covered by two pillows and what looked like very soft and warm blankets, all matte black. A singular lightbulb hung overhead, and Sabi quickly flicked a switch to turn it on and give us a better view. In front of the bed were an older TV of decent size and one that was hooked up to a small speaker and a CD player, next to it was a box of CDs. Perhaps strangest was that in the corner of the room, right next to the mattress, was a mini fridge.

“Tada!” Sabi said in a sing-song theatric voice as she stepped into the room, dragging me inside and closing the door. “What do you think?”

“It’s great!” It was like a private hideout, one that reminded me of the treehouse that I used to frequent during the summer with my old friends. It held an interesting sense of nostalgia and yet was different enough that I didn’t feel sorrowful or mad because of the past. It was a perfect blend of new and old. “This is amazing!”

Sabi was practically beaming, quickly kicking off her shoes and getting down onto the bed and crawling over to the TV. “Please, sit down on the bed, the fun is just beginning.”

A little embarrassed to be lying in a bed with a woman who was, somewhat posed in a way that my teenage brain couldn’t really handle, on her hands and knees, fishing around in the CD box, “What are we going to watch?” I asked, trying to take the heat away from my cheeks and distract myself.

Finally, Sabi seemed to find the disk she was looking for and placed it in the DVD slot, pressing a button on the TV, turning it on and grabbing a remote before coming back to me and sitting beside me on the bed, propping the pillow up behind her and leaning against the wall which I quickly joined her in after taking off my shoes and placing them neatly beside the bed.

“It’s an old horror movie, I. Love. Old. Horror. Movies!” She said, emphasizing every word before exclaiming on the last. “I’ve been building up quite a collection, and now you are going to watch some of that collection. We’ll see just how much of a scaredy cat you really are.” She giggled and pushed me a little, clicking a button on the remote and beginning the movie.

I was not a horror movie watcher, which I think Sabi assumed and was enjoying as my every bead of sweat, squirm, or gasp made her giggle. By the end of the first movie, I was snuggled under the blanket with Sabi leaning on my shoulder and had kept any screams suppressed.

“Don’t worry, that was one of the least scary ones,” Sabi said as if to mock me, before changing out the disk with another and resting beside me once again. “Before we start this one, let's have a drink.” She went over to the mini fridge and pulled out two cans of iced tea, passing one to me before sitting back down. Together, we opened the cans, making crisp and pleasant noises as I took a shallow sip. Iced tea was very good, and something that I decided to drink more of in the future.

The next few movies were bearable, and I squirmed a lot but didn’t scream. The closest I got was a cheap jumpscare moment in which I jumped up a little much, to Sabi’s amusement, but that was it. The movies themselves were well made, though admittedly some of them were easy to tell that they had low budgets, but usually made up for this with good acting as well as great and intriguing stories.

One particular movie had a plot that went as follows:

There once was a sailor by the name of Simon. Simon wanted to leave his old life behind and start anew, embarking for Hawaii and never looking back. Once there, he quickly met a girl that he became infatuated with, quickly making a move on her during a masquerade ball with the duo dancing blissfully and instantly falling in deep and entrancing love. For Simon, his life was finally turning around in a positive way for once.

After this beautiful and entrancing dance, they agreed to meet once more in the forest the next day. Once there, they go on a picnic date and have an enjoyable time. The horror element begins when the girl and Simon get separated, and Simon swiftly starts to search for her throughout the forest, finding her body stabbed to death on the ground, all life already departed from her vessel. In a vision that can be either seen as supernatural or hallucinatory, Simon sees the girl’s soul ascending to heaven.

A time skip occurs and it’s somewhat unclear what happens. All the viewer knows is that Simon was arrested under suspicion for killing this girl, appearing before a jury and pleading that he is insane, feeling that any chance of clearing his name was hopeless, and so he just hopes to receive as soft a sentence as he can. This seems to work at first, however, it quickly turns sour when Simon is condemned to the infirmary.

The infirmary is terrible, forcing him into manual labour and subjecting him to severe electroshock to the point where he actually does go insane, suffering schizophrenia-like symptoms such as hallucination and disorganized thought. This is where true psychological horror begins to start, with the main character attempting to flee the asylum that to his mind feels like a labyrinth and is filled to the brim with stuff such as trap doors in the floor and ghosts/monsters that are distorted and gory versions of other patients and nurses. He even sees hallucinations of the girl that was murdered, who he starts to believe is still alive and guiding him.

Eventually, he somehow manages to escape the asylum in a chase scene with nurses that doesn’t exactly make it clear whether or not it was a real chase or not. Simon, his mind broken and torn apart, starts to reminisce in a brief moment of clarity that we will see happen once more near the end. After this reminiscence, Simon decides to find the dead girl who he believes is still alive, claiming to hear her voice calling from the ocean before highjacking a small fishing boat and sailing out into the sea.

Once there, things reach a psychedelic high in which Simon even dances with a hallucinatory version of the dead girl on his boat whilst completely ignoring that he is sailing directly into a storm. Once in the storm, he starts to enter a state of unparalleled bliss as he believes that the girl is just within the eye of the storm and smiles as his boat is rocked around at the storm's mercy and water starts to flood his boat.

He hears her voice and calls out to her as he sees images that correspond to his adventures in Hawaii flashing through his mind. The movie ends with Simons's boat crashing into a bunch of rocks and Simon dying, implied to have gone up to heaven where he can finally be with his lover eternally. The end credit has a sometimes haunting and sometimes mystical song that perfectly encapsulates the entirety of the movie.

During this movie I didn’t jump, nor did I get squirmy, but instead, I was visibly pained when Simon was talking about his backstory near the beginning, and once again when Simon reminisced about his past after escaping, something Sabi picked up on.

“What’s wrong?” She seemed somewhat concerned.

“Well…it’s just when Simon talks about his parent's divorce.” This is a fair point of contention in the movie and one of the main reasons why Simon seems so desperate to cling to his dead lover. “It kind of hits home, because, recently, my parents also divorced.” Not something I wanted to be brought to light during this date.

“Here, stick your tongue out.” Sabi had pulled out a lighter and lit the flame. Not wanting to say no to her, I did as I was told, and she put the flame underneath my tongue, just close enough that the heat created a burning sensation that wasn’t too painful. The flame flickered a bit, trying to eat at my tongue to no avail. “Whenever I get stressed like that, I always like to put fire underneath my fingers or tongue, just enough to bring me back to the present moment.” I nodded, she had a good point; I was no longer thinking of my parent's divorce. She quickly flicked away the flame and put the lighter back to wherever she had gotten it from. “Don’t worry, I promise, it’s usually for the best,” Sabi said. “Trust me, you don’t want your parents staying together if they don’t love each other. That can end very badly.” Her eyes avoided my own, and she seemed caught in reminiscence herself. “Do you want to watch the next movie?”

I nodded, and she replaced the disk and pressed play once again.

This movie was different, and instead of dealing with psychological hallucinations as its primary horror element it instead instilled a sense of realistic discomfort within both me and definitely Sabi.

Our main protagonist and narrator for this movie was Oba Yozo, who is plagued with misfortune from birth. He was born into a rich and influential family and was given all the tools for a great future, and yet this tendency for calamity quickly struck. From a young age, the staff of his father’s estate would assault and use the boy. This is the original point of trauma for this boy, and a point of trauma that started to set him apart from other humans.

This boy never seemed to feel hunger nor desire for anything of the sort, claiming that such things that humans needed were trivial to him, gravitating to the absurd. He acts like a clown around others, gaining popularity with his humour and good looks and yet not gaining any pleasure from this and instead doing it so that he wouldn’t have to placate those around him so they’d cause him no trouble.

Being drawn to the absurd and hating things humans did out of necessity, Yozo is drawn to art and wants to become an artist. His father hates this, and instead, Yozo goes to a prestigious university where he meets a “friend” who introduces Yozo to one of his main downfalls: drinking. This spirals Yozo down a dangerous path of being alcoholic, and throughout his university life, he gets involved in a fling with a married woman, both attempting to commit a double suicide by drowning themselves.

Yozo survived.

The married woman did not.

Yozo gets even worse, now seen as a mentally ill lunatic and an outcast from society. After this he gets involved with a couple of other women and only further becomes a terrible person, becoming abusive verbally and a terrible drunk before being diagnosed with an illness preventing him from drinking and instead getting him addicted to morphine, even sleeping with a pharmacist to sneak more morphine for him while married to some other girl. While he is married, he tries his best to get money as a comic artist, but it doesn’t exactly go anyway, with his old friend who introduced him to alcohol actively making fun of his art and harshly criticizing him at every step.

Finally, after another suicide attempt, this time by overdosing on sleeping pills, Yozo is put into a psych ward and starts to get some help, with the final minute of the movie showing him having grown a little, potentially alluding to an optimistic ending before the credits roll.

“This guy reminds me of my Father, a dirty alcoholic.” Sabi seemed to be very emotionally charged and didn’t sympathize with the main character at all. Honestly, as disgusting as the man turned out to be near the end, I still couldn’t help but hope that his future was better than his past. “I hate people like that.” Her words were slurred, and she was starting to drift off into sleep.

Suddenly she clutched me hard, burying her face in my chest. “Please promise me you won’t get like that Basil, don’t be someone like that.”

“I promise.” Admittedly, alcohol wasn’t that appealing to me, and I honestly found it somewhat repulsive. I checked to see if Sabi was going to reply, but she was sound asleep in my arms. She was adorable when she wasn’t verbally berating me. “Sleep well, Sabi.” Before I went to sleep, I made sure to text my Father and tell him I was staying at a friend's house before joining Sabi in a blissful sleep.

My first date.

It was pretty nice.

Chapter Text

“Take that you asshole!”

What was happening?

Oh yeah, I was getting my ass kicked.

Two boys, much bigger than I was, wailed at me with their fists, slamming their knuckles against my fragile skin, and pushing me against the brick wall of the school. My idiot self had thought that, by going through the back entrance, I could somehow avoid these two. Of course, that was an idiotic wish.

One of them kicked me in the stomach, and I swiftly fell to the ground, clutching my gut as I struggled to reimburse myself with air. For some reason, I didn’t feel much resentment toward these two boys, and in a way, I felt their actions were justified. After all, they were Sunny’s bandmates, and I had made myself an enemy of Sunny. They were just doing what they felt was best for their bandmate. It was Sunny who was really the one to blame. I’m sure he was relishing in this each and every time they reported back.

I raised my arms up and awaited a kick or punch from one of them; awaiting a blow that never came. Instead, the sound of metal against bone rang out, and a thud was heard as one of the two boys, the larger of the two, hit the floor unconscious. Looking up, I saw who my saviour, predictably, was.

Sabi stood above me, rocking her white hair in a pixie cut, white skirt, and gray hoodie, this one in specific having a logo of a seven-point star and a couple of palm trees. She sneered at the second boy. “I’d suggest running away, unless you want to end up like your friend on the floor.” Over her shoulder, she was lugging around a metal pipe, rusting slightly and stained with blood. What was scarier was the fact that the guy on the ground wasn’t bleeding, which drew suspicion as to whose blood was on the metal pipe.

Needless to say, the second boy quickly scattered, and Sabi offered a hand off the cold concrete ground. I grabbed it, she was warm, and she quickly pulled me up to my feet. “You know Basil, you shouldn’t let them exploit how weak you are like that.” I shouldn’t let them exploit how weak I am. Not that I shouldn’t let them walk over me, or that I should stand up to them, just that I shouldn’t let my weakness be exploited.

It was an acknowledgement that said weakness did exist. It was an acknowledgement that even Sabi could see the pathetic person I was.

Before I could actually respond, Sabi grabbed both of my arms, pinning me against the brick wall, in the shadow of the school building where there was no one around. Her hands constricted slowly against my wrists like snakes as I struggled against her body, utterly helpless to do anything, completely dwarfed by her strength. “Even I can easily overpower you, it’s honestly a little sad.” Of course, she was right. I knew she was right. Sabi let go, taking a step away from me and fishing in her pocket, already moving on from the whole thing, and completely ignoring the unconscious man by her feet. “Wanna cigarette?” She asked, pulling out her lighter and a pack.

I looked around. There was no one near, just us two and the unconscious member of Sunny’s band. “Yeah, I-I’ll have one.” She grabbed two from her pack and placed one of the sticks into my mouth as I parted my lips. She lit them both, and as I inhaled, the familiar, comforting, and disgusting grey smoke made its way into my lungs before I blew it out sharply. Leaning against the side of the school, I watched the smoke fly up into the air, taking yet another puff.

Sabi was much better at this than I was, leaning beside me and blowing up smoke rings as she stared blissfully into the clouded sky above, a slight breeze going by and causing me to shiver. Fall was in full effect, the streets and sidewalks blanketed in hues of red and orange, the falling leaves from trees forming pileups wherever you looked, crunching under your feet as you walked along. The smell of various baked goods wafted in from the centre of the city, the leftover scent of a farmers market.

“Wanna hang out some? If you can spare some time away from home that is.” Sabi joked.

“Yeah, I suppose I could spare you some of my precious time.” I joked back. Sabi was odd because she could so easily bring such careful attention to my faults and then flip everything to put me in a good mood. I couldn’t tell if that was a good or a bad thing. Nevertheless, I continued to hang out with her, call her my girlfriend, and reciprocate all her emotions, because she gave me something I craved: Affection.

We threw away our cigarettes, and she led me through the city to one of her hangout spots. It wasn’t the place in the abandoned train station but instead an abandoned warehouse. Abandoned places were kind of Sabi’s thing. As we walked through the town, people passed us by, always letting their eyes linger on Sabi. Originally, I thought they were ogling her for her looks and was kind of protective, but then, I made the easy observation that you didn’t see someone with white hair and red eyes every day. It was more than likely curiosity than lecherous intent. It was refreshing not to be looked at as the oddest one of the bunch anymore. It was always me receiving the look in my old group of friends. I was always the odd one out.

Leaves crunched underneath my feet as we passed the city park. The trees there were almost barren, and you couldn’t even see the path that once went through the centre of it. A hard breeze blew by, and one of the leaves hit me directly in the face, slapping me, much to Sabi’s amusement.

“It’s not funny.” I pouted.

“You’re right.” She suppressed a laugh. “I guess they should…leaf you alone.” She was amused by her wordplay, but I was not.

Eventually, we made it to the warehouse sector, right near the large lake that the city was primarily built around. There were tons of warehouses, and various boats were docked at the harbour. The breeze was stronger here, and I couldn’t help but shiver a bit. When I woke up this morning, I had put on a white button-up with short sleeves and a brown sweater vest overtop. Of course, I also had my brown beanie on.

She brought me to the abandoned warehouse and quickly shut the door behind us. The only light was the streams flowing in from small windows on the top of the walls. The warehouse had a musty smell, and the four metal walls were rusting in shades of brown and orange. There were wooden crates scattered around everywhere, and the chattering of some small animals could be faintly heard.

“It’s dark.” Was the only thing I had the guts to say.

Sabi giggled. “Not for long.” She sounded like a school girl, which she was, but certainly not a normal school girl, not the type of school girl that went around giggling. She was the type of schoolgirl that went around hitting people in the back of the head with a metal pipe. As if to prove me right, she pulled out her lighter.

Seeing her flick on a lighter, one very simple action, put me in awe every time. The way she did it was so smooth, such a quick and fluid motion that I couldn’t help but be impressed. She occasionally let me use the lighter, and whenever she did, I always fumbled with it for a solid minute before I could actually get the darn thing to light. She then moved her way to the closest wooden crate, one that was a little taller than she was, and pressed the flame up to it. It took a couple of seconds, the wood was probably somewhat old after all, but eventually, a small fire was started, one that quickly started to burst, devouring the entire crate and causing the warehouse to light up, no longer blanketed in darkness.

Stepping back, Sabi admired her handiwork in awe, sitting on a smaller wooden crate as she watched the fire start to gnaw away at the huge piece of wood. Every time I saw her look at fire, any type of fire, I always got a little envious. I hoped that one day, she would look at me in that same, amazed way.

Joining her, I watched the fire as well, trying to get as immersed in the act as she was, yet failing to match her obsession. The warmth was nice, though, and I couldn’t help but move my hands out closer, feeling the waves of heat brush over my hands in blissful ripples.

Getting up as the fire died down, Sabi went over to another, smaller crate, this one was just about to her waist height size and probably 6 feet length-wise. She lit up her lighter and set the thing aflame once again, the first fire extinguishing completely as the second began to flourish. Like last time, Sabi sat down with me and watched the thing, taking out yet another cigarette and beginning to smoke it, blowing up smoke rings into the air.

“You know Basil…It’s odd, but before you, I was never, ever able to light things on fire near other people.” She told me. “Even pulling out a lighter gave me this inescapable fear that whoever was around me would snitch, and that my father would find out somehow.” She rested her head on my shoulder, shocking me with the sudden contact. “But then you came along, and instantly I felt an almost terrifying calmness.” She chuckled a little, like some sort of drunk. “At first, it pissed me off that you seemed to not give off anything, not a sense of fear or malice at all even when you saw how weird and abrasive I could be. I thought it was all a ruse, an attempt to make me reveal my true self so you could swoop in and eliminate it.”

She placed a hand on my chest, tracing circles and other shapes with her fingers, her every touch spreading warmth through my body that I couldn’t help but be a little surprised by. It was so odd…being touched so sensually and carefully…being touched in a way that made it so obvious the other person was being careful not to hurt me.

“But as I got to know you I realized you wouldn’t do that.” She continued. “I realized that you couldn’t do that. It simply isn’t in your nature to do such a thing.” She started to prod lightly at my stomach, gauging my reactions with mild amusement. “You’re pathetic, and you let people walk all over you.” Saying such a thing while lying on my shoulder…nothing about Sabi was anything less than absurd. “But…I liked that. It meant I didn’t have to worry about you at all, and that I could come to your rescue and get all your thanks. Is that bad to say?”

Why was she asking me? I had no idea what was right and what was wrong when it came to this stuff. “I don’t think so,” I said, just wanting her to continue talking. I wanted her to continue being close to me. I wanted her to continue liking me, so I reassured her that what she was thinking was correct and justified. “What’s probably worse is your habit of lighting things on fire.” I laughed. Sabi pinched me. “Ow!”

“Why? It’s beautiful.” She asked, staring up at me, her red eyes shimmering with reflected flames.

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” Just please don’t take your eyes off mine.

But she did, and I was disappointed.

We talked and talked and talked before she kissed me on my cheek and bid me farewell.

…

“Welcome home! You’re late.” It was Father that greeted me at the door, oddly enough. I had expected Polly. “It doesn’t matter though, why don’t you come in and eat.” Yeah, it was about that time. Sitting down at the dining table, I checked the clock and saw it was about 5 pm. I had been with Sabi for a whole two hours.

In front of me was a burger, a brown slap of juicy meat between two buns, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce dripping with water on the top, as well as ketchup. “I cooked that!” Father said as he sat across from me, a burger of his own in front of him. It seemed we both weren’t the type to eat much. I wondered why Father was taking such an interest in me, as he was usually somewhat airy. “Go on, try some.”

I did and had to admit it was quite delicious. The patty itself was cooked to near perfection, not crispy, but instead tender and juicy, each bite drawing upon a well of flavour that seemed neverending. The flavour never became too much to handle, perfectly contrasted by the ketchup and nullified by the tomato and lettuce, providing a perfect concoction of flavours between two buns.

“Pretty good, right?” Father seemed to be in a good mood, and I finally moved my face up to meet his eyes. His smile was genuine, but seemed blanketed in tiredness that never went away, his graying hair and eye bags a testament to that fact. Today, he had yet another therapy session, sessions he had started under the suggestion of a doctor.

A couple of weeks ago, Father had been diagnosed with clinical Agoraphobia, a condition that essentially meant that he was unable to go outside or face any situation outside of his comfort zone. The doctor said that it was a condition that Father had always sort of had, but one that had become increasingly persistent recently, spurred on by a situation of intense stress. My money was on that being the situation with Mother. Anyway, he had gotten a therapist to come to the house every week to have a session with him under the suggestion of the doctor mentioned previously, and today had been one of those such days.

Bringing the burger up to my lips, I took another, small bite and swallowed. “Yeah, it’s delicious actually.” This made Father’s face light up like fireworks had shot up in his brain. “Where’s Polly.”

“Oh, she’s just out doing some shopping.” He replied. “She should be back in an hour or two.” Polly was the defacto do-er for everything and anything that needed to be grabbed in the outside world, delegating that task to me on occasions. I didn’t mind, as getting out of the stuffy apartment was the best thing possible, especially when that meant I could swing by Sabi’s. Permitting her father wasn’t there, of course. That guy was terrifying, the last man I wanted to meet. “Hey,” Father said, “do you want to do something fun?”

Such an ambiguous question. It really told me nothing of the type of activity Father wanted me to partake in at all. “Well…I guess so.” I answered.

“I bought a bonsai tree and would love some help pruning the leaves. It’s a very tricky and precise business. Do you think you’d be up to it?” My interest was definitely piqued, that did sound like fun.

“Of course,” I answered more confidently this time, finishing up my burger quickly as Father did the same. “Is it in your room?”

“Yeah! It’s pretty cool! Currently, I have it in the shape of a small tree but we could honestly shape the leaves to whatever we’d like.” That sounded sick! In fact, I even had a good design choice in mind.

Father’s bedroom was minimalistic and cluttered at the same time. One half was just his bed, two side tables, and a lamp, nothing else, that was it. The desk had a drawer, and inside that drawer was a laptop and the charger for said laptop. On the other side of the room was a closet and a bunch of boxes scattered around everywhere, boxes that Father had never gotten around to unpacking, always putting them off to a date that he will then proceed to put off again. On the second side table was the bonsai tree, a small tree that looked like a fully grown tree that had been shrunken down to travel size. Beside the bonsai tree was a pair of shears, perfectly sized for the job of snipping off the leaves of the tiny tree.

“There it is! What kind of design did you have in mind?” Father asked, plopping down onto the bed, the mattress squishing a tad bit under his weight.

“Well…it’s going to be a surprise,” I told him, not actually knowing what to call the design I had in mind, and not wanting to admit I didn’t know its name. “You’ll see when it’s done.”

“You’re the boss.” Father lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling so he couldn’t see the tree. “Feel free to get to work on it at any moment, I’ll just stare at the ceiling and let you do your thing.”

I got to work, trimming the tree carefully, taking note of how this was actually somewhat different from normal plant pruning. It wasn’t every day that you got to fully mould how a plant looked.

“So…how’s that girlfriend of yours?”

Oh right, I’d forgotten I’d told him about that. “She’s good, we were walking around the city for a bit. The fall looks quite nice, all the trees are turning splendid colours.”

“Ahhh…I remember back when I was young…” Here we go. “Back when I was your age the ladies were all over me, it was so nerve-wracking.” Suffering from success is what that’s called, Father. “Some guys too.” What? “But alas, I only ever dated once and then married. I was never really the kind of person to want to date more than once. Once was stressful enough. I wrote these little love letters, hundreds of them, all that I threw out right before I could work up the courage to give them to your mother.” Yeah…that sounded about right. “I remember one time I passed out simply because she said I looked cute.” God, please don’t make me do that.

“That’s very interesting Father,” I told him, not before laughing a little.

“Hey watch the attitude! I have a wealth of knowledge that I can share with you.” He stopped for a moment. “I’d love to meet your girlfriend sometime too, obviously she’d have to come here but I’m perfectly fine with that.“

…

Father meeting Sabi?

Anyone meeting Sabi was a bad idea. She was unpredictable, and I’m not sure if Father and Polly would approve of her, not that I really cared for their approval. It would make seeing her inconvenient, and that would be terrible.

“Maybe sometime.” I didn’t really give a concrete answer, but then again, I never really did. It wasn’t exactly out of character for me to be so inconclusive with my words. “Finished!” Finally, I had finished trimming the bonsai tree to perfection, and now it was in the shape that I desired.

“I’m excited.” Father sat up on the bed, his eyes closed as he faced the bonsai tree. “Alright, let's see it.” He opened his eyes.

What he saw was a tree cut into the shape of a seven-point star. The way that it looked so different from every angle, even resembling shapes such as a triangle or a square depending on the angle, was so interesting and made it practically an illusion to look at and discern.

“Wow! A Stella Octangula!” Father’s eyes sparkled as he looked at the bonsai tree, sparkling in the same way that Sabi sparkled when looking at fire, sparkling in a way I’d never seen him sparkle at me. But…this was my work…he was looking at something I had done. That was enough to make me feel good. “This is amazing! I love it~” He paused for a moment, his eyes tearing up before he blinked and the water was gone. “You know, when you first started taking an active interest in botany I was so excited. I was always so scared of having a child, so scared of if I’d be able to do anything with them. That was stupid of me, I know that now, but then I was so excited we shared a common interest, a way we could bond, and yet, I didn’t really pursue the bonding much. I went with your mother wherever she went, following her on her escapades whilst building up a huge botany business on my own time. I’m sorry for-”

There was a ringing sound coming from Father’s pocket. It was his phone.

“It’s your mother.” He said as he grabbed the phone, staring at the screen with a slight glimmer of fear in his eyes. “You’d better leave, this could be a while.”

And just like that, I was alone again.

Chapter Text

I just didn’t get it, not a damn thing about it. Sighing, I slammed my head down on my desk, silently praying that the homework in front of me would simply disappear. It was Friday, and Halloween was right around the corner, yet I had homework of all things to deal with. Science, specifically physics, was the bane of my existence. Sighing once again, I stared at my cyclamen flower that sat further down on my desk in a pot of soil. It was starting to bloom flowers of white and red, a little bit reminiscent of someone I knew.

“Basil? Are you having trouble with homework?” In my daze, I hadn’t even heard or noticed Polly walk into my room. She stood over my shoulder, staring down at the piece of paper on my desk with squinted eyes. “Oh! I remember how to do this.”

“Yeah…if you could help me that would be great,” I told her, letting her grab the pencil lying on my desk and start to scribble away at my page, and watching as she worked on a problem, not just doing the question but writing down detailed instructions and the formula of how to solve it.

“Does that clear up your confusion?” Polly asked, letting go of the pencil and allowing me to scour her instructions.

“Yeah, actually, that pretty much cleared it up.” Polly had been acting a lot more like a mother figure recently. This had coincided with her growing closeness to Father, perhaps thinking that she needs to act like a mother or I won’t accept her when she and Father inevitably hook up. The truth was I didn’t actually care if they hooked up. In fact, I wanted the best for Father. But there was a part of me that didn’t want that; because it meant that Father’s attention would be split; and that meant he’d have yet another thing to focus on instead of me.

It was greedy, wanting all of Father’s attention to myself, I knew that. It was greedy and I didn’t deserve it. But I wanted it, I oh so wanted it.

…

“So Basil? Do you have anything planned for Halloween tomorrow or are you just going to be handing out candy?” Polly asked, sitting across from me, and taking a bite of the garden salad I had helped prepare. Father was already digging into a juicy steak he had made, having been enjoying cooking tremendously recently and becoming quite a natural at the culinary arts. He and Hero would get along.

“Well…I was going to go out with a friend…” I tried to tiptoe around the subject, nervously spearing a tomato with my fork, but Father caught on fairly quickly.

He laughed a little. ‘By that you mean you’re going to hang out with that girlfriend of yours?” My face went completely red, completely blowing the tomato on my fork out of the water.

“W-Well…I guess…” I sighed, having been completely cornered, and plopped the tomato in my mouth, chewing it with a resounding defeat. “Yeah, I am.” Father smiled, and Polly suppressed a bit of a chuckle. “It’s not that funny, we’re just hanging out is all.” I tried my best to clear up any confusion about what might be happening, but it didn’t seem to be working at all.

“Okay, lover boy.” Father reached over and ruffled up my hair. “But I want to meet her soon, okay?”

…

That night, I lay in my bed and stared up at the ceiling as I did most nights, overcome with an overwhelming nervousness. There were so many uncertainties. How would Father react when he met Sabi, and furthermore, how would Sabi react when she met Father? Was Sabi even still going to hang out with me tomorrow? I hadn’t confirmed it with her in a couple of days so it very well could have changed.

Basil: Hey, Sabi, are we still up for tomorrow?

Sabi <3: Uh yeah? Stop being a dumbass and overthinking things, I said we were going out so we’re going out. We’re going to get some candy.

Basil: We’re going trick or treating?

Sabi <3: No, far too boring, we’ll be scaring people into dropping their candy buckets and then taking them. I do it every year! It’s so much fun!

Basil: …

Basil: Can’t wait!

Every time I talk to Sabi I try to remember why exactly it is I hang around her. However, that question is always thoroughly answered when I realize that around her I feel things more vividly, her light providing a better view of my previously dimmed emotions. Sure, she was a little mentally ill, but it wasn’t as if I of all people could judge her for that. She had her reasons

And I had my reasons.

We were both broken, but perhaps, together, we could join like two halves of a puzzle piece and complete each other.

Or perhaps…

…

The minutes were ticking down until I had to leave. We had just finished supper, and Polly had headed out to help out at the old folks home for Halloween, Father preparing a bowl of candy to hand out. Honestly, I couldn’t remember the last time I was excited about Halloween. Ever since I entered high school, I hadn’t done anything at Halloween, and even when the group invited me someplace, I would always chicken out last minute or opt-out to stay at home with just Aubrey, or even just Sunny…

Sunny and Aubrey.

When I confessed to Aubrey…was it because…? No, I needed to stop that line of thought in its tracks. It was a scary line, a line that I had forbidden myself to follow.

I wasn’t like that.

“Alright, going to head out now!” I yelled to Father as I put on a brown jacket, and my trademark beanie that Sabi hated oh so much.

“Alright, don’t have too much fun!” He yelled back from the kitchen.

Opening the door, I stepped out into the hallway and took a deep breath. Today was going to be fun, it just had to be. Though, as I walked through the hallway, into an elevator, and out the door in the lobby, something certainly felt more significant than usual. The sun was setting, and darkness would be upon my side of the world soon, street lights activating en masse. Children were already walking by in costumes, laughing and running around, collecting candy. Older kids, kids that were too old to be trick or treating, were fewer but still existed, and would no doubt be the target of my and Sabi’s trickery. I mean, I didn’t think Sabi was the kind of person that would go around scaring elementary schoolers…Was she? No. No, she wasn’t…Was she?

Anywho, I decided to get a move on. After all, Sabi was awaiting my arrival. Halloween was so interesting. People that were shunned for their looks their entire life could walk the streets in complete comfort, donning a costume that covered said features. It was a time that people could pretend to be something they weren’t, and so, in true Halloween fashion, I donned a pearly white smile. Even now, smiling was so foreign to me. Even around Sabi, they were few and far between. Not that I didn’t feel happy around her, it was just that it was still hard to feel things with enough intensity to smile. As I made it to a corner, I heard a voice that gripped my throat and stopped me in my tracks.

“Wow, Sunny!” I couldn’t move. “I can’t believe I’m getting this excited to go to a Halloween party!” It was Aubrey, and no doubt, Sunny. “I mean, I couldn’t believe it when you of all people asked me out to go to a party…You’re usually so stoic!” Why couldn’t I move? Sunny and Aubrey were approaching the corner, their voices getting closer. Soon they’d quickly be reaching me, and then…what? What would happen? My body began to involuntarily shudder, and yet, I still couldn’t move.

“Yeah well.” Sunny, his awkwardness almost paralleling my own, seemed very hesitant to say a thing. “I just thought it’d be nice, I guess.” Every word he said sounded contrived. “My bandmates all got dates and were joking about how I didn’t have one.” Sunny wasn’t telling the full truth, I could tell, because he sounded just like I did. “So I knew I had to act quickly, before someone else asked you, Aubrey.” At least he was able to turn on the charm in the last sentence…even if it was still contrived.

They rounded the corner, and immediately we could see each other. Aubrey was wearing a witch's costume, a fake black cat resting on one of her shoulders, and a black hat and cloak hiding her body from view. Her pink hair was tied back in a ponytail. Sunny on the other hand was barely dressed up at all, wearing a black button-up with a red undershirt. Judging by the little bit of red on his mouth, he was a vampire, though it was barely noticeable.

The two looked at me, bewildered, and I stared back at them, completely terrified. That courage I had had when arguing with Sunny during our last meeting had dwindled away completely. Sunny’s look was hard to place. It wasn’t anger as I had expected, but it certainly wasn’t a positive expression. He stared at me the same way a lazy man would stare at a cockroach, not sure if it was worth his effort to squash it. Aubrey on the other hand seemed surprised, and a little guilty. Was she thinking of my confession right now? I hadn’t thought about that in a while, but now, I was kind of jealous.

Of who?

“Basil…?” Sunny started but trailed off. “Oh yeah, you live around here now huh? It’s a real shame your house burned down.” Sunny, as usual, sounded apathetic and completely out of the conversation. He was a million miles away the moment his eyes landed on me, choosing to delegate dealing with my existence to his subconscious. Or had he been delegating this entire time? It was hard to tell with him. “How is that?”

Small talk was truly disgusting.

“It’s fine, I guess,” I said, trying my best to steady my body, taking a deep breath and calming down. “It’s easier to be closer to school for extracurriculars.”

“Basil, we should hang out more,” Aubrey said, cheery, upbeat, her arm latched on to Sunny’s. “We haven’t really all hung out in a while.” Yeah, and for good reason too.

“Basil! Hey, Basil!” A new voice, and a new challenger to the scene. Sabi stepped up toward us, wearing the black dress she had worn on our first date. She looked beautiful, as always. “Who are these guys?" She approached me, standing beside my body and turning to Aubrey and Sunny. “Don’t tell me you allowed the wannabe rockstar to distract you.” Seemingly catching on to who Sunny was, Sabi started by insulting him, and seeing his closeness with Aubrey, similarly gripped my arm. She was making a statement, perhaps a statement of ownership.

Blinking, Sunny appeared to give the conversation his whole attention for the first time since he arrived on the scene. “So you’re Sabi Abaddon, huh?” I’d never heard Sabi’s last name before. Abaddon? I wasn’t even sure what that meant. “You know, my bandmates aren’t too fond of you. I hear you cause them a lot of trouble.”

“Maybe if your goons would leave Basil alone they wouldn’t need to have their heads bashed in.” Sabi retorted, a sly smile on her face. “Don’t tell me you don’t know? Or are you just keeping up a facade for that girl you’re with?” She gestured to Aubrey, who seemed in shock, not quite knowing what to do. I was in the same boat.

Expecting Sunny to get angry, or perhaps even violent after Sabi went after his relationship with Aubrey, I was somewhat shocked when Sunny seemed to not care at all. Was he not worried about losing Aubrey’s respect? “Huh, maybe you’re right.” Sabi gripped harder at my arm, and for the first time since our encounter started, I saw a hint of anger in Sunny’s gaze. “However, it’s equally true to say that you don’t know a damn thing about me.”

“Hey, Sunny, let’s just-” Aubrey tried to stop Sunny from continuing, but all the words she said swiftly floated into Sunny’s ear and were thrown directly out the other.

“If there’s one thing I hate in this world.” Sunny continued, feigning indifference despite words that said otherwise. “It’s people who think they know the first thing about other people. It pisses me off when people claim they know what I’m feeling. It pisses me off when people claim they know what I know and don’t know. And it certainly pisses me off when someone just starts beef with me, despite never having had a single meaningful conversation with me, and with the audacity to say it while I wasn’t doing a damn thing wrong.” Sunny sighed. “People like you make this world unbearable.”

Sabi grabbed me and pulled me forward, slamming through Aubrey and Sunny and separating them, fuming toward her place with me in tow. “Come on Basil! Let's forget that douchebag!” Looking back, I saw Sunny staring at me with a haunting gaze.

When we made it back to Sabi’s apartment building, she had calmed down somewhat, no longer fuming at the ears. “Don’t worry about that guy. He’s just some stuck-up band kid that thinks he’s better than others just because he’s on stage.” My memories went back to my last fight with Sunny, and how, upon my commenting that he had it all with his friends, family, and band, he had gone into a fit of rage.

I wondered what that meant.

“Thanks, Sabi,” I told her, trying my best to return to my Halloween smile. “You’re a lifesaver, as always.” As I predicted, this sentiment cheered Sabi up a bit.

“You’re right Basil, you’d be completely lost without me.” She smiled. “Now, let's go up to my place and get prepared. We’re going to have a fun night if I can help it!” She showed me to a closet in her apartment and pulled out a box of masks. The masks were of various creatures from werewolves to zombies and looked frighteningly realistic. “Now with these, we can scare anyone we’d like! And if we see that stupid wannabe rockstar we can give him the scare he deserves too!” A part of me knew that we wouldn’t be seeing Sunny again tonight. No, he’d be at the Halloween party.

“What mask should I pick?” I said this out loud despite it being more of a question to myself than anyone.

“I don’t know, choose one you like,” Sabi replied, going through a box of masks and throwing the ones she deemed good enough on the floor. “It’s your choice, be decisive.”

Be decisive? I didn’t even know what that word meant.

Sighing, I looked at all the masks I could choose. I wasn’t decisive, not one bit. Despite my indecisiveness, I decided to buckle down and picked a mask that resembled a tiki face, but warped and curved to accentuate a horror perspective.

“Wow, that certainly is a weird choice, Basil.” Sabi, having picked a weird Frankenstein mask, had the nerve to judge my mask. “But I won’t say weirdness doesn’t suit you.” She laughed, and went into the living room, staring out the window. The moon sat in a desolate sky, all alone with no stars to accompany it. No, that’s not true. The stars were all there, it was just that the light pollution of the city made it impossible to see them. From my perspective, I could just see the moon.

…

“BOO!” Sabi jumped out from behind a back alley and scared the living daylight out of some teenage boy in a ghost costume. He screamed like a girl, dropped a pumpkin-shaped container of candy, and high-tailed it out of the situation so fast I almost thought that he was a ghost.”HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Sabi rolled over laughing. “What a baby! Look!” She grabbed the thing of candy, shaking it around a bit. “Ha! This is too easy.”

Making my way from the back alley, I watched Sabi celebrate in awe, still donning my Halloween smile. “Wow, good job!” I tried my best to commend her efforts, despite still viewing them as a little morally bankrupt. Oh to hell with it! Who was I to judge? “Can I have some candy?”

Sabi smiled widely. “Glad to see you're participating in my sinful plunders.” She held out the pumpkin and allowed me to pick what I pleased. “It would be troublesome to learn that you were a strict guy when it came to morals. Tonight wouldn’t be nearly as fun if that was the case…” She trailed off, clearly thinking about something but refraining from saying it. Whatever it was, I knew I’d see it eventually. Sabi always revealed her cards to me eventually. That’s simply the way she was.

My favourite chocolate bar, ever since I was a boy, was KitKat’s. The way they were layered and how you could just wait for it to melt in your mouth, the chocolatey outsides and the firmer, wafer cookie insides contrasted each other just enough so that it was an interesting combination. They weren’t too different, and so worked quite well together. Did different things work better together? Or was sticking with something similar always the best? I shook my head and opened the KitKat bar, snacking on it whilst scolding myself silently. It was stupid to ponder such existential questions just because of a KitKat bar.

“Why so serious?” Sabi laughed as she watched my face. “Honestly Basil, you do look really cute when you’re so serious.” My face went red. “Aww, are you embawessed?” She mocked me with a childish tone. “Don’t worry boyfriend ‘o mine, let's just go get some more candy.” Already moving on, Sabi strung me through the city.

It was late enough that not many children were still out and about, the little children all at home in bed and the older children at parties and hanging out with friends. Well…the cool older kids. Suddenly something hit me. The boys that hung around with their girlfriends late at night, just by themselves…weren’t they considered the cool ones?

Wouldn’t that make me a cool one?

No.

Something about this disqualified me from being cool. I was certain of it. But what was it? What disqualified me from that? I would never be considered cool, and I would always tend to stray on the lower end of the social ladder no matter what I did. What was it? What was it what was it what was it what was it?

Watching Sabi dance around, scaring people, and enjoying herself, my Halloween smile seemed just a tad bit stronger. “What are you doing just staring at me like that? Come on, hurry up, and stop being such a creepy loser.” Sabi laughed, and I laughed along with her.

Oh.

It was because I was a loser.

Right.

That was the disqualifier.

Something about this was…enticing. Being a loser wasn’t so bad, I decided. Being popular clearly wasn’t all it cracked up to be if Sunny was anything to go off of. Someone volatile and explosive who clearly wasn’t happy…I guess, in a way, Sunny Suzuki was just a popular version of me…If I was popular, I would have probably acted the same way Sunny had acted.

…

It was almost midnight by the time Sabi decided that it was time to stop prowling the streets, and I had already texted Father to tell him I might not be back until tomorrow. As usual, I let Sabi lead me to wherever she wanted to go, not even questioning where we were heading until I realized we were heading in the opposite direction of her apartment. I was about to ask where we were going until I realized…

We were heading toward the abandoned train station.

My face went red, and thankfully, Sabi was in front of me and couldn’t see me. Memories of our first date went rushing through my head. We hadn’t been that close since then as Sabi’s father had been around quite frequently, preventing us from doing much, especially late at night. He didn’t like Sabi going out any time past 8.

“Do you know where we’re going?” Sabi asked, a sudden dreaminess taking hold of her voice and sending an electric spark through my body, igniting a small flickering flame within my soul.

“W-Well. The abandoned train station?” I guessed.

“Bingo!” Sabi sounded somewhat elated, and I had to wonder why she was so excited. The night was coming to an end, after all, and Halloween would soon be over. An owl hooted in the distance, and I could see the yellow safety tape in the distance under the light of a street lamp.

The abandoned train station looked the same as it had last time, and I couldn’t help but feel a sudden rush of pleasant nostalgia. My first date had been amazing, and so, this place held a lot of good memories. Sabi strung me along to the same room that we had watched movies all night in, and as we both kicked our shoes off, Sabi turned to light the reveal that the room, also, looked the same as it had last time, with a bed, TV, box of CDs, and a desk. Then, Sabi asked me a question that I wasn’t prepared for.

“Hey…Basil.” She was suddenly bashful. “Have you ever had…” She paused as I took off my jacket, placed it on the desk, and plopped down onto the bed. “Sex?” The question almost made me choke to death on my tongue.

“W-W-W-What, n-n–n-no!” I managed to stammer out as Sabi sat on the desk, staring down at me with an expression that I could only describe as anticipation. I had only ever masturbated a couple of times, always feeling guilty after, and was in utter confusion about why Sabi was rushing me with these questions now. What was going to happen? I’d be lying if I said the pictures that question brought forth weren’t arousing to a degree. But they were also somewhat scary.

“Well…neither have I.” She started to let her dress fall, slowly sliding out of the garments and revealing her bra, underwear, and stalkings underneath, all a dark black. My face turned a much darker shade of red. “So… let's do it, together. That’s what couples do, after all.”

That’s what couples do, after all.

“But there’s so much to prepare for! I mean, we don’t even have protection!” Why was I trying to put this off? Why was I trying to delay this event? In the back of my mind, I had always been somewhat knowing that this was a natural step when you were dating someone, and so, it was probably bound to happen. Did I want this? Yes, I did. I wanted to be closer to her than I ever had been before.

Then why was I so quick to try and brush it off?

It was because I didn’t think I deserved to be that close to her. Because I was afraid that she would finally see how inadequate and disgusting I really was.

I was afraid.

“I’m not stupid Basil!” She shot at me. “I took care of everything.” She reached into a drawer on the desk she sat atop, and pulled out a condom. “See? Having a child would be inconvenient for both of us, anyway.”

Having a child? I thought about that for a second. Was I even fit to have a child? Could I even properly raise a child? Would I ever be able to be a father? It wasn’t like I had shining examples of parents I could look to.

“W-Well.” She had bested me. There wasn’t an actual excuse I could give to put this off anymore. This was going to happen. “Okay. Sabi, let’s do it.”

Being naked was very terrifying. I couldn’t tell if the fact that Sabi was also naked made it better or worse. Either way, I couldn’t stop myself from admiring her body. It was so…encaptivating. Did that make me a pervert? I hoped not.

“You look…good,” Sabi said, awkwardly.

“Yeah, you too!” I replied, perhaps too fast.

We both sat there on the bed for a second, moving our eyes away from each other in sudden embarrassment. Predictably, it was Sabi who made the first move, crawling over to me and planting a kiss on my neck. “I think…this is how it’s supposed to go.” When Sabi wanted something, as she got more comfortable, she would do it, or get me to do it. She was commanding and seemed to be trying to derive as much pleasure as possible. I was thankful for that, because I was an absolute mess, and wanted to do as good as possible for fear of being inadequate.

Being so close…we were touching. No, we were closer than that. We were connected.

Like two puzzle pieces.

It was so surprisingly warm. A fiery embrace for so many reasons. She leaned down, and reached over, grabbing a lighter. “Hey, Basil, stick out your tongue.” I did as she asked without an ounce of hesitation. Sabi pressed the lighter underneath my tongue and let the flame ignite, burning the bottom of my taste buds. The pain was pleasant, and after Sabi had deemed it enough, she pulled the lighter away and embraced me in a full kiss. It was a very warm kiss, no doubt because my tongue was still slightly burning. As she pulled away, Sabi bit my tongue and drew a bit of blood.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, confused. The emptiness in my body had gone far, far away during this act. I was feeling things fully and without restriction. It was something so nice and pure, and yet so sinful at the same time.

It was human.

Sabi smiled. “Because I wanted to.” And then she kissed me yet again. What was this? Was this normal? It couldn’t be, could it? I didn’t care. It was nice. She was close, so close, and as the act was completed, I embraced her tightly in a hug, not wanting to ever let her go. As we lay down in the bed together after the whole ordeal ended, I realized something

It wasn’t Halloween anymore, and I was still smiling.

Chapter Text

This is the story of a girl named Sabi Abaddon, and a story of the Abaddon family. Sabi was born in a small fishing town off the coast of America where she lived a normal and quiet life with her loving mother and father. That’s what the life of Sabi had looked like to an outsider. But her father and mother were anything but loving. Her father was abusive, getting drunk; hitting her and her mother for minor mistakes. On the other hand, her mother was a doormat, letting her father do whatever he wanted even when he hurt Sabi; even when Sabi screamed and cried for her mother to help her…she didn’t do anything.

“I’m not gonna cry anymore,” Sabi told herself after her voice had run hoarse and her tear ducts had turned drier than the Sahara desert. “I’m not going to rely on anyone!” That sentence had reverberated throughout Sabi’s mind since the first time she mentioned it. It was something she said once again when Mother left, and Father had taken his anger out on her instead, beating her again and again, his fists imprinting on her face, her legs, her stomach, her neck, her body…her arms…her arm was broken after that.

But Sabi didn’t cry.

Mother left, and never came back. She never contacted Sabi again and never tried to save her. Then they moved, moved far away to a new city in a dingy apartment, and Sabi was truly alone.

But Sabi didn’t cry.

Sabi was okay with being alone. After all, how could she ever trust another person to be with her after the pain she had suffered at the hands of the two people that were supposed to love her unconditionally? She remembered her first day at her new school and the way she had met someone on that first bus ride.

She had met Basil.

Admittedly, she hadn’t thought much of the boy at first and had regarded him as pathetic, quickly backing away from her when she lashed out. But then she ran into him again, seeing him enter some strange man's truck as she was smoking outside of the school. Their eyes met, and she felt as if, for a second, there was a strange understanding between the two. That’s when she started to feel drawn to Basil, if by some supernatural force.

She had heard from some girl, Aubrey, that Basil was big into botany, and so she had joined the botany club in hopes of seeing Basil more. Just as she had expected, Basil showed up at the first meeting, and suddenly, Sabi realized something.

Basil was just as broken as she was.

It was an amazing feeling, one that was truly exhilarating. This boy was pathetic! He was a complete and total basket case! And that was precisely what Sabi needed, someone that she could be there to help, someone that she could stand as a rock against the tides. She would be the one to dominate him, to call the shots, to be relied on. That way, she wouldn’t be hurt, and that way, she could experience intimacy whilst being sure she was still in a position of power. It was perfect!

Too perfect.

Before that, Sabi was content with her cigarettes, and the occasional burning of her fingertips and various small plants. But the pleasure she got by being with Basil was almost more intent than any fire, not that she planned to let Basil in on that key little detail. But unlike her fire, which was accessible anytime with the ignition of a lighter, Basil was someone who could only be accessed occasionally, and someone she could only be around permitted her Father wasn’t there.

The joy of watching a singular flame or a small plant burn down wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough anymore. She needed something more, something greater to satiate the feeling deep within her chest. She needed to purge herself of the emotions she felt.

She needed something to get rid of that sadness she felt within her soul.

She needed a strong enough flame to fully evaporate the sea of tears once and for all!

But what would do that?

…

“Hey, Basil! Long time no see!” I was in the locker room, all alone as I finished up changing when I heard Kel's voice and nearly jumped out of my skin. “Oh, sorry to scare you.” Usually, I was the only one in here after my gym class, as my gym class was always the second last class of the day, and no one had gym last period on the days that I had gym. I preferred it that way because it allowed me to change in solitude, which was great. After all, I hated stripping down near other people.

“H-Hey Kel. How’s it going?” Kel was a good friend, probably the one old friend I currently talked to most. “Do you have phys ed right now?”

“Nah, but I have a spare so I figured I’d shoot some hoops.” He walked over to the gym lockers and started to take his shirt off, making me a little envious of the excellent figure that he had honed by playing sports on a competitive level ever since he was a boy. “Do you have a spare?”

“Y-Yeah, I do.” Today was the day I had a spare class, and I would usually spend this class catching up on homework or sleeping in the greenhouse.

“Good!” Kel got his shorts on, staring at me with a wide grin plastered across his tanned face. “We’re gonna play basketball!”

I suck at basketball.

It was in the midst of me missing a free throw that Kel asked me an interesting question. “Hey…have you talked to Sunny recently?” The basketball I had thrown missed by a mile and hit the floor with a resounding thud, bouncing back off of the wall and rolling to my feet.

“No.” I picked up the basketball, and threw it with an intense focus this time, trying my best to not think of Sunny Suzuki and focusing explicitly on throwing the basketball. It flew, it spun around the rim, and then it sunk into the net. “I talked to him briefly on Halloween…I think he and Aubrey are-”

“They broke up,” Kel responded plainly, picking up the basketball and tossing it to me, barely catching it and almost falling over as I tried to steady myself. “A couple of days ago, actually.”

Had they now?

“Why?”

“Well, not quite sure, Sunny just decided to break it off and Aubrey said he didn’t give much of a reason.” Kel trailed off a bit before getting back to the conversation. “Sunny’s been weird for a bit, ever since you two…well you know.” Fought, if you could even call what happened between me and Sunny a fight. It was more of a massacre.

“How so.” I pressed for details.

“He's been distant.” Kel sighed. “He’s been hanging around more and more with his band mates and it’s been hard to get more than a couple of words out of him. I’ve heard rumours that he’s already dating some new chick, and I just can’t understand it.” Sunny Suzuki was a jackass, what was Kel not seeing? I could see it. Sabi could see it. And I hoped that now even Aubrey could see it.

But I couldn’t accept that answer

Something in the back of my brain said that there was more to it than that. Sunny wasn’t the kind of person to just become a jackass like that…was he? There had to be something.

“Maybe Mari would know more.” I threw the ball and missed again. Kel picked up the ball and dribbled it around the court.

“See…even Mari said Sunny’s being distant.” He threw the ball from the free throw line and sunk it into the basket. “Hey…maybe you should talk to him sometime…I know you two are sort of at arms now but I think it might be good for him. I could probably arrange a meeting for you two…say, tomorrow?”

Without thinking about it, I agreed. Silently I prayed that tomorrow would never come.

…

It was around 30 minutes past the end of school, and I had found myself in quite a predicament. “Father…this is Sabi.” At the front entrance of my apartment, in a white hoodie and black shorts, stood Sabi, my girlfriend, and on the other side of the door, inside my apartment, stood my Father, right next to me. When I told Sabi that my father wanted to meet her, I hadn’t expected her to jump on the idea so fervently. She had seemed prideful that my father wanted to meet her and said that this was just yet another step in their relationship.

I almost remarked about wanting to meet her father as a joke, but realized that probably wouldn’t go over well just in the nick of time to silence myself. Agreeing for her to meet my father had led to this moment, and now, my heart was pounding in my ears like the frantic beating of an anxious drummer. It was terrifying, and I feared that my father wouldn’t approve of Sabi. What would happen? What if he didn’t like her? What if he forbade us from seeing each other? Millions of possibilities flew through my head, and none of them were pleasant.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Flora.” Sabi put her hand out for a handshake and Father met it, ushering her inside and shutting the door.

“Pleased to meet you, Sabi!” Father seemed almost ecstatic; he couldn’t believe that this girlfriend I had talked about was real…thanks for that Father.

Polly was in the living room and looked giddy with glee. This was so embarrassing, my face was going red. My fears of Father or Polly not approving of Sabi had switched with fears of them embarrassing me in front of her. “I’m Polly, Basil’s caretaker.” She shook Sabi’s hand as the girl sat down at the dining room table. Father went into the kitchen and began to get to work on some burgers. Sabi was staying for dinner now, whether she liked it or not.

“Basil’s talked about you before, it’s nice to meet you, Polly.” As Sabi talked, I sat down next to her at the table, and Sabi sat across from her.

“All good things I hope.” Polly and Sabi laughed a little.

“Don’t worry, Basil’s a really respectful guy,” Sabi replied, tapping her fingers on the table. “He’s just a bundle of fun.” She pinched my cheek, and I flinched away with embarrassment. This was too much! Too normal! What was she doing? Was she trying to give me a heart attack? Based on the sly smirk across her face, I had to assume the answer to that was a yes.

“Aww, you too are just so cute together.” Polly’s smile stretched ear to ear, and Sabi smiled back.

“Thank you, Polly! I’m so glad you agree.” She poked me under the table and laughed a bit. She was enjoying this way too much!

I could hear the sizzling of grease on the frying pan as Father started to cook up some burgers for us to all enjoy. Though I was embarrassed, I understood that if our relationship was going to be a healthy one, her meeting my parents would have to happen at some point, but on the flip side, that meant I should probably meet her father.

That was scary, I was a coward. I knew he was hurting her, and yet I did nothing about it. I was the man! I should go up to her father and tell him that if he hurts her again I’ll kill him!

Oh who was I kidding, I was no man. I was pathetic, and would most likely get my ass beat the moment Sabi’s father laid eyes on me. It seemed that my anxiousness would never end. Was I condemned to just worry obsessively over every little thing? Was there a way around this overthinking paradox that I had gotten myself into?

As expected, Father’s cooking was delicious, and to my horror, Polly pulled out some of my baby photos while we ate. I felt as if I was going to explode; as if, at any moment, a single touch would make me pop like a balloon, all inflated with stress.

“Aww, Basil you looked so adorable as a baby.” She poked me under the table again, and my heart practically shattered.

“Are your hair and eyes natural?” Polly asked. “It looks so beautiful! Basil sure got himself a looker.”

“Thank you!” Sabi beamed. “Thank you both so much for this! You’re both amazing!”

…

“Honestly Basil, I didn’t expect them to be so…loving,” Sabi sounded just the faintest bit disgusted as we walked along the streets back to her apartment. We had just finished up the meeting with my Father and Polly. It was so excruciating to get through, but somehow, I had managed to keep myself from dying of a heart attack. Thankfully, it was November, and so the cool late-fall winds were enough to cool me down and soothe my tense body. “You said your father wasn’t around until a while ago, right?”

“Yeah.” Sabi seemed quite interested in my relationship with my parents, as if probing me to see just how messed up I was. “What about it?”

“Just wondering…just wondering is all.” Sabi had been acting weird lately, and this was just yet another example of this. “Hey…Basil. You wouldn’t leave me…would you?”

This question had snuck up on me like a thief in the night and had stolen my breath in an instant. We both stopped walking, and I stared up at her confused. “Of course not! That’s absurd!” I hated her for asking me that. When questions were presented to me, I stressed over them non-stop. Now I was thinking about it, and so many situations ran through my mind that I didn’t want to think about. I just wanted to be with Sabi in bliss and stability, why would she say something like that? Why now? Had I done something wrong? There was just no way of knowing.

“And…would you do anything you could to guarantee me my happiness? Do you want me; want us to be happy?” She asked another loaded question, this time an odd look shining in her eye that I couldn’t quite place. “Would you?”

“I…” What was going on? The wind blew by, and her hair covered her face for an instant before it blew back, and I could see the face of a desperate beggar looking back at me, the horrified reflection of a coward in her eye.

“Would you?!”

“Y-Yes…Yes, I would!” I didn’t want her to leave, and of course, I wanted her to be happy. If she asked me anything for her happiness, I would do it, that much was assured.

“Good!” Reassured, she quickly gripped my hand and led me toward her apartment. Her hand was warm and smooth, and I found myself stroking her knuckles tenderly with my thumb, glad that I no longer had to answer such difficult questions and banishing any further thoughts to the back of my mind. Little did I know that perhaps I should have given that question just a tad bit more thought.

When we reached Sabi’s apartment, she hit me with yet another bombshell. “My Father’s home today, and I’m sure he’ll be mad that I went out.” My heart was starting to become an active war zone, all riddled with craters and resembling the moon. “Yesterday I told him about you.” Her hand was squeezing tightly against mine, and I couldn’t find the strength to move, simply staring ahead at the door of her apartment building. “He yelled at me, called me a whore, beat me. But I didn’t cry. Because I’m strong.”

Something terrible was brewing, even I, numb to everything at that moment, could feel it.

“He told me he would kill you.”

He was going to kill me.

I was going to die.

“...” What exactly was I supposed to say to that. “But…I don’t want to die.” That worked.

“You’re not going to. We’re both going to be fine…I promise.” She, with my hand in tow, walked through the front door of her apartment building, and we stepped into the dingy-smelling main floor and passed by the bellhop who reeked of weed.

“Hey, Sabi!” He waved to her and was completely ignored.

What was going to happen? Blindly, I followed Sabi, shutting my brain off to prevent myself from worrying. I wondered what was going to happen. I was so curious, this was all so interesting, so new and so fresh.

Just what the hell was going to happen? The suspense was killing me.

We went past the elevator and down a dimly lit hallway. Somehow, this shady place smelled much better than the rest of the establishment. We kept walking, our shoes tapping against a tiled floor and echoing in the emptiness around us. Eventually, we stopped at the end of the hall, in front of a gray door with a big “B” plastered on the top. Sabi gripped the handle, turned it, and opened the door.

Inside was a narrow staircase surrounded on all sides by concrete, leading down to a dark abyss of which I could see nothing. “Well,” Sabi said. “Let's go, Basil.” Together, we went down the staircase.

I tried to focus on the moment, the way the wooden staircase creaked underneath my feet, the cold air that caused goosebumps to break out all over my skin, specifically the back of my neck and the top of my arms. There was also the warmth of Sabi’s hand that was slowly fading the further down we went, the way her breath seemed to grow more and more frantic, the way a blush was settling in on her cheek, and the way her eyes seemed to glimmer even in the darkness and the and the and the and the and the…there were only so many “and the”s that I could force myself to focus on.

Something bad was going to happen, and I knew that perfectly well.

Despite that, I was still blindly following, like the coward I was.

Suddenly, my mind started to drift to flowers. My Cyclamens were doing so well…but recently, they had started to die for little to no reason. Maybe I wasn’t watering them, or perhaps it was because I had been watering them too much…or perhaps I was never meant to know…and perhaps it was something out of my control altogether. Something about that didn’t sit right with me.

We both made it to the bottom of the stairs, and the floor became cold concrete as well. Something was letting out a low hum. Sabi quickly flipped a light switch on the wall, and the room we had found ourselves in was illuminated.

The place was dimly lit by a singular lightbulb that swung from the ceiling. The basement, or rather, the singular room that they called a basement, was filled with pipes and vents of all sorts of metals, and the thing that was humming was a large furnace, a giant metal cylinder that was the heart of the heating system, vents surging out of it like veins. There was an open vent that was expelling excess heat from the furnace.

Why were we here?

“My Father says he’s going to kill you…” Sabi repeated the same sentiment from earlier, but it didn’t help me figure out why we were there.

I tried to ask the question, but my mouth wouldn’t move at all. My heart was chaffed with annoyance at my own voice for not being able to speak. This was pathetic.

“Just simple flames haven’t been enough recently.” Sabi was a mess, her eyes glazed over as if lost in a trance. “We need to go bigger. We need to take larger steps, Basil.” What was she talking about? The meaning of her words escaped me, and I felt another familiar pang of annoyance at my own stupidity. It seemed I had gotten in over my head.

Silly me for thinking that I could ever be close to someone without hurting them.

This was probably my fault.

No, it had to be my fault.

I wasn’t enough, I just hadn’t been enough.

“Basil… let's burn this place to the ground.” The natural escalation occurred, and I almost laughed at how I hadn’t predicted it sooner. Sabi reached into the pocket of her shorts and pulled out a lighter. She stepped behind me, grabbed my hands with hers, and slipped her lighter into my hand. She was puppeteering me. Her breath went down my spine, and I shivered. “Our apartment is far up, and since fire moves upwards, perhaps this will kill Father too.” She used my fingers to ignite the lighter, a small flickering flame reflected in my eyes. Sabi kissed me on the neck. It was pleasurable. “Basil…I love you.” Together, we threw the lighter, and it perfectly arced across the room and landed in the furnace vent.

In an instant, my vision was engulfed by a fiery blaze of red and orange, as if a supernova had just exploded in front of my face. There was a loud noise akin to a jet plane's engine, my ears popped, and I felt myself hit a wall and lose consciousness.

…

When I woke up, I was staring up at an unfamiliar white ceiling.

Chapter Text

I was staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Where was I? Lying on a hard white mattress, all I could see was a white room around me, a bedside table with a vase of yellow tulips to my left, and a small window shining down streams of sunlight a couple of feet beyond that blanketed the tulips in illumination. In front of me was a countertop and cupboards above that, all coloured white and dark blue, that took up the entire wall, and to my left was a monitor, an I.V bag that I was hooked up to, and a white door with a metal handle. There was no doubt about it. I was in a hospital. The I.V. bag had a cord that was embedded in my wrist, and there was another one shoved into my nose.

Trying to get up off the bed, my body instantly regretted it. My ears started to ring as a searing pain erupted in my mind as if a volcano had gone off in my brain. My legs buckled under the weight of my body, and I collapsed onto my hands and knees. My I.V. cord fell out, another tube that was up my nose popped out, and I narrowly avoided falling onto my face and doing further damage. It was then that I remembered what had happened. The explosion…

Where was Sabi?

It was a pressing question, and I knew that, even if it strained me, I would need to figure it out.

Was she dead? No…she couldn’t be. She was behind me when the explosion went off, so if anything, she should’ve been in a safer position than I was. But even I knew that was optimistic. There were a variety of things that could have happened to make my statement irrelevant. Rubble could have collapsed in on us, or perhaps the fire could have started to spread in the basement. So many possibilities, my mind raced trying to keep track of them all.

“Oh my goodness! Are you okay?” A voice startled me, and I stared up at the now-opened door. A nurse, blonde hair, brown eyes, pink lipstick, a slim figure, and wearing a pink nurse’s uniform, with a little pink hat, and some pink eyeshadow…she was very pink. “Here, let me help you.” She offered me a hand, and I was in no position to decline, so naturally, I took it.

After she had pulled me up she looked at the cords that were hanging from the I.V. bag and machine beside it, then back to me. “For future reference, you should refrain from pulling out anything connected to you if you ever wake up in a hospital.” She walked over to my bed and started to clean up the cords. As for me, I was leaning against the wall and trying my best not to collapse again.

“S-Sorry…I didn’t know.” I was a wreck and wondered why exactly I had all those cords in me in the first place. Then…I remembered the titular question. “Is Sabi-”

“That girl you were with when it happened?” The nurse cut me off. I nodded. “She’s okay, recovered a couple of days ago.” A couple of days?

“Just how long was I here for?”

“A week.” The nurse finished cleaning up all the cords. “You’ve been in a coma, though we knew it wasn’t too serious from your brain scans so it wasn’t as if you were at a risk of never waking up.” Well, that was a relief. “You’ll probably be a little weak for a bit though.” Not much of a change. “That girl was really…well, messed up. Though she seems to hold you in high regard.” Did Sabi really hold me in high regard? Maybe that was just her pitying me.

“Where is she?”

The nurse tapped a finger on her chin as she stared up while thinking. Every moment was so painful as I waited for her response. “Well…I think she’s in a holding cell awaiting trial.”

“Trial?!”

“Yeah, blowing up a building is a pretty serious offence, not to mention a couple of people died so…” She said all these terrible things with such a bubbly voice before trailing off. She stared at me, and her eyes softened. “I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better she confessed to the whole thing and said she practically forced you to go along with her. The likelihood is that you’ll get off scot-free, especially since your parents are quite well off considering they paid quite a bit for you to have your own private room and myself as your private nurse.” She smiled. “Though I was happy to assist once I found out that Polly was your caretaker.”

Sabi was…under arrest? If the building was destroyed and people died, then she would certainly be in trouble, there was no doubt about it. My heart ached and pained at the possibility of Sabi being put behind bars…would they charge her as an adult? Oh no! This was all my fault. I should’ve stopped her. Wait…Polly?

“You know Polly?” I asked her, the guilt of Sabi’s potential precaution not leaving the front of my mind.

She smiled once again, her pink lipstick making her lips shine. “Yes! Polly and I actually went to the same medical school though we both choose to specialize in different areas. She’s a dear friend of mine!” She approached me and patted me on the head, looking down at me…or rather, across from me, as we were the same height. “I remember Polly telling me how cute you were when she first started out as your caretaker. She was so right! Your hair is just adorbs!” She had started to lose any semblance of a professional attitude, and my face was red from her compliments and touches…but I was still first and foremost worried about Sabi.

Opening my mouth, I prepared myself to ask her if I could go see Sabi, wherever she was, but the sound of a door swinging open stopped me in my tracks. “Oh my god thank goodness your okay!” The nurse took a step away from me as I was entrapped in the embrace of a familiar face. Polly was here. “Basil! I was so worried! I thought you’d never wake up!”

“Oh Polly, I told you he’d be fine.” The nurse waved her hand at the antics of the brown-haired caretaker, whose hazel eyes were starting to tear up as she embraced me, my legs threatening to give out at any moment as she leaned against me. “Also I think you’re going to crush the poor boy.” Polly let go, and I let out a deep breath.

“Sorry, Basil. It’s just…“ She let out a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad your safe.” For a second, I forgot what I had done, as I felt somewhat pleased that she had at least cared about me…then I remembered why I was in the hospital, and Polly must have too, as her expression turned to anger. “How could you have done that? Are you stupid!?”

“No, Polly.” This was going to go on for a while, I could tell. Admittedly, she had a point, what I had done was beyond stupid. I deserved any sort of punishment I got.

“Your Father nearly had a heart attack when he found out what had happened!” The nurse simply watched me as Polly dug into me, giving me a “sorry, can’t save you” look. “Why didn’t you tell us that your girlfriend was a delinquent?! Why are you hanging out with people like that?!” I wanted to defend Sabi but I couldn’t find the strength even to open my mouth. “Sigh. Let’s just get home first, then your father and I will decide the best course of action now that we know you’re safe.” I was not looking forward to that. Not one bit. “And thank you, Emilia, for caring for him.”

“Oh no problem, he was such a quiet thing he was practically no issue.” She joked in her usual bubbly personality, despite having just watched me be criticized to kingdom come by Polly. I didn’t know what to make of her.

…

The car ride home was very awkward and very painful. It took about an hour for me to get dispatched, and the doctors gave Polly some nutrient supplements to give me at meal times. I sat in the passenger seat. Next to me was a bag of pills, and next to that was Polly in the driver's seat, silently pressing down on the gas peddle and steering us toward our apartment.

Should I say something? I was unsure of what to do, not wanting to anger Polly more, but getting very uncomfortable with the silence that was brewing. Now that Polly and Father knew that Sabi was responsible for blowing up an entire building, I wasn’t entirely sure if they’d be thrilled at the fact that I still wanted to go visit her. This was quite the predicament I had put myself in.

Pulling up to the apartment building, the walk up to our apartment was also painfully silent. When Polly opened the door and ushered me inside, I was once again embraced, this time by my father who was tall enough that he dropped to his knees to hug me. “Basil! I’m so glad you’re safe! I almost had a heart attack!” I smiled. I had heard about that. “But…” Oh, here we go. “I am beyond disappointed with you young man.” He got back up on his feet and looked down at me with blue eyes and gray hair. “You blew up a building! When I was a kid sure I hung around with some people who maybe weren’t the best but I never had a girlfriend who blew up a building!” That was funny since I could picture Mother doing that if someone crossed her. “Do you think this is funny!”

“No Father!” It seemed I had accidentally let out a smile while thinking about Mother theoretically blowing up a building. “I’m sorry, Father, I really am. I didn’t know we were going to blow up a building. It just…sort of happened.” Polly stepped into the kitchen and started to put away dishes, perhaps as a way to calm herself down.

“And how does one blow up…a building…by accident.” Father’s right eye was starting to twitch, and I was scared that he might have a heart attack. “Come on Basil, I know you’re better than this.” Those words cut deep because, by all standards, Father had no idea just how putrid of an individual I was. I wasn’t better than this. I was much much worse. He was only seeing the Basil Flora I was projecting to him…the real one was a disgusting man as far down on the food chain as a worm, or perhaps the germs inside of the dirt.

“I don’t know! I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry…” I felt horrible, this was horrible. I had been partially responsible for the deaths of at least a couple of people…the weight of it all just set in on me, crushing me like the weight of the world had been placed on my shoulders.

“Well…I’m going to be talking to your mother about this and then we’ll all decide what we think the best course of action for you is.” Father sighed deeply. “Please don’t even think of going to see that girl…Sabi…she’s a bad influence on you Basil and not the type of person that I personally think you should be hanging around.” It was like the guillotine had just been sent down on my head. That was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. I wanted to see if Sabi was okay…and I wanted to apologize for not stopping her. “Promise me!”

“I promise.” To top it all off, I was a liar. This was the second promise I had made so far with no plans on keeping, and I was wondering how many of these I’d have stacked up by the end of my story. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know why, but I kept saying sorry over and over again whenever I could, as if by sheer force of habit. It was almost certain that I would at least try to go see Sabi. The question was how.

…

It had been a grand total of three days since I had woken up from my week’s worth of a coma, and I was returning back to school. School…a time away from Polly and Father. Which meant that it was a perfect time for me to go see Sabi. When I saw Sunny, sitting next to the window in the first period as the old teacher at the front droned on and on about something boring, I realized that the whole coma thing was sort of a lucky event. I had been scheduled to have a chat with Sunny, but thanks to my coma, I had been unconscious for that whole ordeal.

Our eyes met, and he broke the contact within a couple of seconds, his dark eyes returning to the window. His eyes were like that of a curious cat, and perhaps he wanted to approach me and ask me just where the hell I’d been for the past week. Polly and Father had kept things hush-hush about my involvement with a certain building exploding, and I had had to explain a lot of things about my absence to Kel, who had messaged me quite a bunch while I was hospitalized…poor Kel.

I’d have to make it up to him sometime…perhaps I’d indulge him in a game of basketball, even though I hated basketball. What I didn’t expect was that in between the first and second periods, I would run into Sunny beside my locker as I went to grab my materials. Closing my locker door, I nearly jumped up in shock as I saw his dark hair and eyes staring back at me.

“That Sabi chick has been arrested…I wonder why that is?” He said, a slight smile indulging itself on his face like a greedy man trying to pretend to have restraint when faced with dessert. “You wouldn’t know anything about that…being her boyfriend and all, would you Basil?” What was he saying? This was dangerous. I didn’t know what sort of game Sunny was playing, but I knew it probably wouldn’t be good.

“Of course not-”

“I’m sure it has something to do with that building exploding…and funnily enough I was actually in town that day…and just happened to be passing by when guess who I saw being put into an ambulance on a stretcher?” Sunny knew too much…this wasn’t good. “Don’t worry Basil, I’m not here to blackmail you or anything…” Unfortunately, I couldn’t read if Sunny was being sarcastic or not, his face not revealing much, nor his tone of voice. “However…I honestly think it’s nice that Sabi’s in jail…she certainly didn’t deserve to be with you of all people.”

What did that mean? Not that it mattered. “Hey! Don’t talk about Sabi like that?!”

“Why?” His face was neutral, and that made it even worse when Sunny confronted me like this. “Are you really that disappointed your delinquent girlfriend went to jail? She was a pyromanic psychopath.”

Without thinking, I swung at Sunny…and I missed, falling and collapsing on the floor. My body was still very much sluggish from the coma.

“Wow…” Sunny watched me on the ground. “Pathetic…as expected.” He walked away, his tapping shoes echoing in my mind like laughter. He was right…I truly was pathetic. I couldn’t even do something as simple as protect my girlfriend’s honour…in fact, I couldn’t do a damn thing to Sunny, or to anyone, for that matter. I was irrelevant in the grand scheme of anything, a puppet, or less than that.

For my sake and my dignity, I decided that the next class would be the one that I would ditch. It wasn’t hard, I just had to go out the back entrance. Someone stopped me, a hall monitor, or rather, a narc, but I just told them I was going to the greenhouse. I felt bad lying, but what I was doing was a little more important than knowing what George Washington said when he chopped down a cherry tree. (which he didn’t even do.)

The outside was a nice sunny fall day, and I wasn’t cold because of my trademarked brown beanie. How unfitting for what I was about to do. One doesn’t typically imagine someone who was the cause of multiple deaths walking to see their accomplice in prison as a happy event deserving of blue skies and rolling clouds. My hand twitched, and I felt like I needed something…it was cigarettes. I was craving cigarettes. My mouth was dry, and my lungs begged to be filled with that calming smoke. I’d have to ask Sabi where she got them, then I’d go and get some for myself…I had some money I was supposed to use for lunch.

It wasn’t too far to get to the police station Sabi was being held temporarily. They were still deciding on what to do with her and would most likely ship her somewhere else soon while she awaited trial. Since she had no money, and her Father had died in the accident, she was going to be stuck with whatever crappy lawyer they gave her. The most likely scenario was that she gets charged, and the worst case scenario is the prosecutor hates her and has her tried as an adult.

I shuddered. That was something I really didn’t want to happen. What would I do? Probably nothing. What could I do? I was helpless in the grand scheme of things.

The police building was a brown brick building that only had one story, with sliding doors at the front and windows covering the place. As I entered, I saw a singular woman sitting behind a desk at the front, on the phone with someone who was requesting something or other. Sitting down, I pretended to read a newspaper in one of those little black chairs that pretty much every place where you had to wait for any amount of time had. Eventually, the woman finished her phone call, and I put the newspaper down on the table where I had gotten it from and approached the front desk.

“I’m here to see Sabi,” I stated my request plainly, and the woman eyed me suspiciously. She wore blue casual business clothes, had brown hair tied back in a ponytail, and her green eyes seemed to pierce right through me. It was very apparent that she thought of me as some random punk or thug.

“Oh…and you are?” Her voice was raspy, and she sounded annoyed.

“I’m…her boyfriend…please, could I just see her.” I was starting to shy back from my original request, backing away like a very meek mouse. “If…that’s okay.” My heart was beating out of my chest. What if she said no? What if she just called my father? This plan was half-baked at best, and there were so many holes that it was starting to resemble Swiss cheese.

She stared me down, squinting at me and making me back away even more. Classic cause and effect at work. “Hmmmm.” This was nerve-wracking, I should have never come in the first time. “She’s in room 3B, it’s down the hall to the right. You have around 10 minutes to speak to her. The room is being monitored with both audio and visual feed so don’t try anything. I’ll call you back here when your time is up.”

I breathed one big breath of relief. “Thank you!” I wasted no time in passing the front desk, following her direction until I found a metal door labelled 3B, pulled the metallic handle, opened the door, and stepped into a moderately lit room with brown walls, half of the room sectioned off by metal bars and a locked door. Inside that section, or rather, that cell, was a singular bed, toilet, and a girl with white hair wearing an orange jumpsuit and sitting on her bed, reading a newspaper, her right hand had burn marks on it, and I couldn’t see her arm, but there were most likely more. Our eyes met, her pupils expanded, and she quickly jumped up to her feet and approached the bars, her slender pale hands gripping the metallic cylinders as she pressed her face as close as she could.

“Basil? Is that really you?” She asked, blinking as if she was just imagining my existence. “I’m so glad you're okay…if I’m being honest a part of me wanted us to die together but when I woke up alive I was so afraid for your safety. Stepping toward her, I reached my hands through the bars, gripping her own as we touched foreheads. “Still wearing that stupid beanie I see.” She flicked me on the head.

“Yeah…It’s nice to see you, Sabi.” Guilt washed over me. “I’m so sorry! I should have stopped you, this is all my fault, I-”

“Sorry? For what?” She stopped me. “Basil…my dad is dead.” On her face, a demented smile formed. “Sure I might go to jail for a couple of years for this but that’s nothing! When I get out I’ll be free of that asshole and able to do whatever I want.” She sounded ecstatic, and kind of scary. Was she not worried about those people that died? Some of them were probably good people. “Thank you, Basil.”

“Ummm…well I also wanted to ask…well, I don’t have much time but where did you buy your…” I couldn’t exactly say cigarettes if this place was being monitored, so instead, I mimicked blowing smoke on her face. “You know.”

“Oh…well I always buy them from some guy at-” She started to give me an address that was in the city. “He’s the best for buying plant supplies around.” She winked at me. “And before you leave…I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Basil..” She stared up at me with her fiery eyes. Eyes that looked more full of life than they might have ever before. People were dead, and she was relishing in that. “Promise to never forget me…promise that we’ll see each other again when I get out.”

“I promise.”

…

I was able to get cigarettes from the guy Sabi had given me the address of, and thankfully, I just had enough money to buy a pack. Often, I had usually taken to bringing my lighter around, despite not having any cigarettes, so I was easily able to pull it out and have a quick smoke before I went back on my journey. It was so calming, such a nice scratch to an itch that had been building up for quite a while. My lungs were weak, so I coughed quite a bit, but it was worth it.

When I got back to my apartment, I realized that it was starting to feel very familiar. When I got into the lobby, I greeted the familiar busboy as I walked by. When I ignored the elevator and started to climb up the stairs, I saw the familiar stains on the familiar wallpaper with its familiar rips and tears, as I reached the familiar floor that my familiar apartment resided in. This place was finally starting to feel like a new home to me.

When I opened the door, Father was already waiting for me. Had he heard about me going to the police station? What if I smelled like cigarette smoke? Oh no! I was so screwed. ”Please, sit at the table for a moment…I…I need to talk to you for just a moment.” I did as he asked, not brave enough to run away as I so desperately wanted. He was going to be so disappointed in me, I could already see it coming.

He sat down across from me. Polly was nowhere to be found. This was simply a Father-Son thing, I supposed. “Well…I’ve talked with your mother.” Father looked and sounded pained, and that made my stomach drop into the floor. “We’ve made a decision about where you will be moving forward.” Where I will be, what did that even mean?

“Starting next semester, you’re going to live with your mother in Hawaii for the year.”

Chapter Text

Where was I? I wasn’t wearing any clothes and could feel a dim spotlight blinding my eyes. No matter where I went, stumbling around like a buffoon, it simply wouldn’t leave me be. I was blinded and doomed to fumble around, tripping over my own feet and falling into something wet and chilly. It was a puddle.

Laughter erupted around me as the spotlight disappeared, revealing the sights of all my classmates, Kel, Aubrey, and the botany club group all included, all laughing. They laughed and laughed as I sat down in the damp puddle, tears streaming down my face. What was going on? The tears just kept going and going, until eventually, I floated away in a flood of sorrow, the waves taking me further and further away from the laughter.

The next thing I remembered was the feeling of grainy hot sand against my back, and I opened my eyes to see the blinding sun beating down on my face. Hawaii? Was I in Hawaii? Running around, I frantically tried my best to find anyone. The beaches were usually heavily populated, with tons of people all enjoying their time in the sun. This was different, there was nobody. I kept running and running, the soles of my feet burning against the hot sand. “Ow ow ow ow ow.” and “Someone please save me! I’m alone. I’m all alone!” was everything I could think about.

“Hey, you.” Turning around, I saw her…Sabi? Or…no? I couldn’t tell. It was a girl, she was pretty but her face was blurred out by the hot sun. “Basil! Come on!” She reached a slender hand out toward me, and suddenly, all my thoughts quieted down. Slowly, I stretched a hand toward her, touching her hand tentatively. A second passed, and then another. Just when I finally thought I was safe and that everything would be okay suddenly, like the pin of the grenade had just been ripped off, the girl's body exploded in an array of lights and blood. I was sent flying back by the force of the blast and into the water. My body weight pulled me further and further down into the murky depths, and below me, I could hear what sounded like music. I dived deeper, purposefully now, getting closer and closer to the music, before something grabbed me and pulled me out of the water from the bottom.

“What a pathetic display, Basil.” I was in a ballroom now, dancing while classical music played with a partner that I knew and resented. Sunny Suzuki had his hand around my waist and another gripping my own, spinning me around and puppeteering my body around like his own personal plaything. He wore a nice black suit, and most of the people around were dressed in fancy clothes making me look so tragically out of place naked. “Couldn’t even bother to wear clothes for the occasion? I didn’t take you for an exhibitionist.”

What was Sunny doing here? I tried to speak but was cut off.

“Don’t, you’ll just ruin everything. I like you better when you’re quiet.” I danced with Sunny until the night was over.

…

It was snowing outside. The powder fell from the sky and blanketed the world in a chilly embrace. How long had it been since I had last seen Sabi? 2 months? No. It was transitioning into the third month now. Not once had I gone to see her. She had been transferred to somewhere far away, and I was quickly starting to doubt my commitment to keep the promise that we’d see each other again. My nervous mind had prevented me from checking any news regarding her. I hadn’t even checked to see what she had gotten as a sentence. Maybe she had gotten off scot-free. What if she had just forgotten about me? What if she was already off gallivanting with some new guy? It was weird. I didn’t care. My chest was back to just feeling empty.

I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling, unmoving, and breathing steadily. My eyes darted to the light bulb on the ceiling, and my ears listened to the sounds of the wind blowing by, and the sound of a leaky pipe slowly drip drip dripping away somewhere within the walls. Would that be bad later on? Who cared? I was leaving soon, anyway. It was still morning. I had taken the habit of waking up at 7 every morning, regardless of how late I had been up last night regretting everything. Last night I had passed out at around 4, and now here I was, awake at 7. The bags under my eyes were commented on all the time by some jerks in my class. I hated them, I hated them all. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone?

That wasn’t even all of it; my grades had been steadily heading on a downward spiral, leaving Polly and Father more disappointed with me than ever. For the first time in my life, I had desirable thoughts of suicide rather than just intrusive thoughts that I could make go away. After all, wasn’t I just a burden? Staying in bed all day, slowly dwindling time at school like a disgrace, and to top it all off, all my plants had been dying. I was a disgrace even among the other students of the club, despite how much Melissa, the club captain, had tried to convince me otherwise. She was nice, but…there always seemed to be something more behind her. It scared me. She scared me.

As the clock started to wind down, I realized that I’d probably have to get out of bed at any moment now. My plane would leave at around 7 pm, and I’d arrive in a couple of hours, late at night. Before that, I had to talk to Polly and Father, meet up with Kel and the gang, as well as the Botany club. For a disgusting little maggot, my exit was surely met with quite a bit of fanfare. Who exactly was I to deserve such a leaving party? Or perhaps it was less of a goodbye and more of a celebration of my departure? Yes. That had to be it. The people were simply excited that I was finally leaving their life.

Rising from my bed like a vampire from the coffin, I stretched my body out. My ribcage was somewhat visible. I was deathly thin, the result of eating only what I felt I deserved, which was mostly nothing. I put on a nice pair of clothes, a simple green turtleneck and black pants that were just a little too small. My ankles were in view…I hated my ankles.

“Good morning, Basil!” When I walked out of my room, Polly greeted me with hesitant cheeriness. She was a caretaker, someone knowledgeable about various health issues that could affect her wards, physical or otherwise. She most likely knew that I was in some sort of chronic condition, but it was too late for her to do much about it. Whenever she asked, I always told her I was fine, and even though she knew that was a lie, there wasn’t much to be done without my cooperation.

“Mornin’ Polly.” Not good morning. Nothing was good about the violent change that would be taking place today. Father was probably sleeping; he, like me, stayed up quite like me, but unlike me, he usually got 8 hours of sleep. “What’s for breakfast?” Was I going to eat this morning…maybe I would. It would probably put Polly’s mind at ease, and with how much she cared for me, it was only fair. I was a shitty person to take care of.

“Pancakes! I decided to get some cooking done for you since this is your last day here for a while, after all.” She was feigning joy, but deep down, she was suffering. Polly had assumed my maternal role and was attached to me. I knew that, and yet I still needlessly caused her pain by existing in such a pathetic state. Why was I such a terrible person? Was she going to cry…probably when I was about to leave, her eyes would burst into tears. How would I handle it?

The pancakes were light and fluffy, and as I began to cut them with my fork and knife, I realized that there were quite a lot of them. Three, to be exact, and yet to me, that number seemed as insurmountable as Mount Everest. The task of shovelling them down seemed akin to swallowing an entire refrigerator. Could I really do such a thing? Even if it was to placate Polly? Could I?

I ate all three of them, and then Polly smiled at me. She went into her room to get something, and I darted to the bathroom before throwing it all up in the toilet. I flushed the mess of stomach acid and mushy pancakes down with a frown on my face. Turns out I could do it, if only for an appearance. What would Polly say if she saw me? Father? Sabi?

…

The sky was a cloudy gray as snow fell on a peaceful winter's morning.

“Hey, Basil!” Kel wrapped his arm around my neck as my body scrunched up a little at the physical contact. I had made my way to the park we had all agreed to meet in, Aubrey, wearing a little pink coat, her hood up with slim punk gloves, stood behind Kel and smiled at me. The man himself, Kel, was wearing an orange bomber jacket and no gloves, ruffing the cold snowy day with minimal apparel. I myself was wearing a dark green jacket and my signature brown beanie. “I’m so sad you’re leaving today! But let’s at least let you go out with a bang!”

That’s exactly what happened to Sabi.

The first stop on Kel’s “Basil’s Goodbye Bonanza”, as he called it, was the little arcade in the city. Not only was it an arcade, it was also a museum, kind of. When I said “museum”, I meant a place that contained old mechanical attractions. Fittingly, the arcade was called “Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum”, named after the guy who runs the place, Marvin. Marvin was a nice old man, and I always felt safe walking around in the arcade even when it was late at night.

We walked in, and the place was revealed. The floors were carpeted, the carpets dark with stars, spaceships, and planets plastered all over. Various games were flickering on the left side of the place, with children running around occasionally and flipping coins into the slots with a clinking sound. To the right was Marvin himself, waving at us as we took off our coats and hung them on a coat rack that was provided by the door, taking off our boots and placing them on a shoe holder. Beyond Marvin was a hallway that led to all the old mechanical attractions. They were a real hit with the older folk, which was why parents loved to take their children here just to see them, not that children didn’t enjoy them as well. They certainly did. I was proof of that.

“Howdy Basil, I see you brought some friends with you this time.” Marvin greeted us cheerfully. “Feel free to take some tokens for yourselves on the house.” He gave us quite a large sum of tokens in a small little box, these chips that you could use on the old mechanical machines that usually you’d have to pay a small sum to acquire.

“Awesome! Thanks so much!” Kel had a stupid grin on his face stretching from ear to ear, whereas Aubrey had a more modest smile.

“Yes, thanks.” She said as we made our way toward the arcade machines to our left. We planned on hitting up the machines right before we left because I had told everyone they were the best part of the arcade.

The first game we decided to play was Dance Dance Revolution, which was entirely out of my element. Going up against Kel first, I’m positive he tried his best to hold back and give me an easy victory, but I was so clumsy that I tripped over my feet multiple times. He won by an embarrassingly large sum.

One game I proved myself to be quite proficient at was surprisingly one of those first-person shooter games in which you had to mow down hordes of aliens. Unfortunately, we had to stop as I was starting to feel quite bad for the fictional aliens I was mowing down. Why was I such a sucker? And why did I care more about the feelings of these fictional aliens than I did most humans? Was it because I felt just as helpless in this world as they were at my gun?

We played games for a couple of hours, right until it was about 12. It was then that we decided to finally go have a peek at the titular “Marvelous Mechanical Museum” Marvin was all abuzz about. As usual, it didn’t disappoint. Machines made of copper and brass, with little mechanical people and mechanical games all over the place. It had this old and pleasant aesthetic that just made me feel just a little bit more comfortable than usual.

One of the machines, one with the aforementioned little brass men, got some tokens put into its slot. Then, the little men started to march around from within the machine's glass box, making mechanical whirring noises as copper gears turned from the belly of the machine. They marched around, and some would pick up swords and rifles, marching around like little army men.

“They’re so cute!” Aubrey remarked as she carefully watched them move.

“Wow, how do they get them to move like that? Is it like…a video?” Kel asked a stupid question.

“No, I think maybe gears or machinery from below make them move,” I told him, stepping closer to watch the brass men.

“Yeah, Kel! That was stupid.” Aubrey let out a laugh at his expense.

“Well sorry.” Kel pouted. “Not like I’m an expert on old-timey arcade thingamabobs. Cut me some slack you two.” Even I let out a bit of a smile at Kel’s words. It was quite enjoyable to be with the two of them, and enough time had passed that the rejection that Aubrey had dealt me was practically a forgotten memory. No more would I be tormented by something like that…After all, I had more pressing things in my past to be tormented about now.

Another attraction had an apple fall from a wooden tree and onto a man’s head every time he would slash at it with his axe. The apple would hit him and then fall into an opening below, probably be conveyed to the inside of the tree, and then be released when the man hit it with his axe. Overall, these contraptions were all quite ingenious in how they got around all the restrictions at the time of their technology. In a way, maybe I was that lumberjack, chopping away at a tree and fueling my pain.

…

Kel was almost crying when he had to say goodbye, wrapping me in a headlock and messing up my hair as he turned into a sobbing mess. Aubrey was better composed, but I could tell she was just as sad. What did I do to deserve such a reaction? For the life of me, I couldn’t quite figure it out. What made me worthy enough to cry over?

It was 2 pm, and Polly said that I needed to be back by 5; otherwise, I could be late for my flight. The next stop on my little departure day festivities was the greenhouse at school. That is where Melissa had arranged a little bit of a party to say goodbye to me, or at least, that’s what she told me.

But when I made it there, to the back of the school where the back entrance to the greenhouse was, opened the door, and slipped into the humid environment, I realized that it was empty. What? I wasn’t early, no, I was spot on time. So where was everyone? As I took off my coat and boots, I started to walk through the dimly lit greenhouse in an attempt to find any source of life that wasn’t the plants.

“Hello!” I yelled. “Anyone here?” If I was being honest, I didn’t think that hanging out with all the plants was too bad of a final evening. The plants were nice, and they were such great listeners too. My stomach growled a bit. I had promised the gang that I was getting lunch on my way here, but that was me lying to them, I hadn’t eaten lunch, and I usually didn’t eat lunch. It was just too much of a waste of energy in my mind.

“Hello, Basil.” A cheery voice sounded out from behind and made me jump up in the air, whipping around to see just who was speaking. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I scare you?” was Melissa. Her blonde hair flowed down her body, and her green eyes stared at me with something akin to desire. For only being 18, she looked so mature, her face smooth and knowledgeable. She was wearing tight-fitting shorts and a tank top, a silver necklace with a heart locket wrapped around her neck.

“Uh, yeah, a little.” For some reason, I was being bashful. “Where is everyone?”

She stepped toward me, and I swallowed a lump that was forming in my throat. “Well, I might’ve told just an eensy weensy lie. There’s not going to be a big party like I promised.”

“So…then why am I here?” I was so confused. Why did people lie? It just served to put me in unfamiliar situations

“Well.” She moved in on me, pressing me up against the wall and cupping my cheek with her hand, alarm bells ringing in my mind. “It’s because I think you’re cute.” She pressed her lips against mine, her tongue invading my mouth. I didn’t like it…but I didn’t try to pull away or say that I was uncomfortable. Weirdly, the closeness was comforting, and it was that fact that disgusted me. I was truly pathetic.

Eventually, she moved her hands to my chest, and that made me feel weird. When she finally pulled away, my cheeks were red from discomfort, though I bet she probably took it as embarrassment.

“Thank you.” Of course, I thanked her. After all, she had graced me with her embrace. It was only right that I thanked her for bestowing upon me that honour. She was the president of the Botany club, so the fact that she took an interest in someone like me had to be flattering, right? It was good, right? Even if I didn’t like it, it must be good.

“Consider it a little gift for your departure.” She smiled at me, and I looked away. Bashfulness or discomfort?

The rest of our little rendezvous was comprised of her teaching me how to better care for my plants. She knew that I had been struggling to care for them recently, and it was quite nice of her to offer me some help. While we sat together, she placed her head on my shoulder and smiled. Her boyfriend had recently broken up with her. Was this some sort of rebound? Was I being used as some sort of rebound?

Wasn’t it nice to be useful? It is, isn’t it?

If I was being useful, I suppose it couldn’t be helped. It was nice to be useful, after all.

…

Airports were detestable. The number of people that were going to and fro made it an unbearable experience overall. Polly was by my side, making the unbearably long wait in the line just to get into the airport a little bit better as she was trying her best to cheer me up by telling me all sorts of trivia about Hawaii.

When we had left the house, Father had wrapped me up in his arms. “Please, let yourself enjoy yourself. I want to see you smiling and full of happiness.” Was that even possible? The cynical side of me, so all of me, said that it was an impossible feat. The side of me that sought Father’s approval desperately wanted it to be a possibility, if only for his sake.

“Did you know Hawaii is the most isolated population centre on earth?” Out of all the fun facts Polly had thrown my way, that one made me the most uneasy.

It hours to get through transit. Thankfully, I had looked up what you could and couldn’t take on a plane, and apparently, you could take cigarettes. The part of my brain that needed that was scared, that at any moment, they would do a search of my bag, and Polly would see the cigarettes. In hindsight, bringing them was such a stupid idea, but I couldn’t bare to part with them.

When we had finally gone through all the procedures, Polly gave me a deep hug, tears streaming down her face as she said some sort of goodbye that was muffled by her sadness. I was lucky she broke the hug when she did so that I could turn around and wipe the tears that were starting to form out of the sides of my eyes away.

Then I locked eyes with a different woman, the lesser of two maternal figures. My mother. She was standing by the exit to our plane, awaiting me to come to her with my ticket. Her blonde hair was put up in a bun, and her blue eyes watched me expectantly. She had frown lines around her mouth and looked like a young lady and a bitter old woman at the same time. When I walked toward her, she didn’t say a word, simply making a motion with her head that I should follow before walking toward the plane entrance with myself in tow.

We sat together on the plane, and somehow through the journey, we only spoke to each other a couple of times. We were sitting in first class, the seats were red velvet and we had mini-screens in front of us. One of those aforementioned times was when she asked me what I’d like from the trolley when it swung around with a bunch of food on it. I simply replied I wasn’t hungry and Mother shrugged before waving the woman with the trolley off. We both had not the slightest clue of how to talk to one another. If I was being honest, it was a pretty awkward situation.

…

Hawaii was…hot. From the moment we landed even though it was nighttime, it was still quite a bit warmer than it was over in the city. The air was humid, no doubt as a result of being so close to the ocean. Had Polly given me a fact about that? Probably. We went back through airport security, though this time it didn’t take quite as long, and then we headed out. Hawaii was beautiful. The palm trees, the sandy beaches, the people, and the water, oh the water. It shined a similar blue to sapphire.

“So, what’s your first impression of Hawaii?” We stood on the streets awaiting a taxi cab, and Mother asked me this question.

“It looks great. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the snow so the fact that it’s always so warm here is pretty cool, I guess.” Mother was so formal that it made talking to her hard. Her gaze was harsh enough to make me stumble over practically every word.

“Yeah, a lot of my clients say the same thing.” Right, Mother was in the real estate business. “Hawaii property is quite hot.” I almost laughed at the pun, but then I remembered that Mother didn’t have a sense of humour, so she’d probably take it as an insult.

The taxi arrived shortly after, and we hopped in. Mother gave him an address, and he began to start driving. We were going quite fast. Mother didn’t say anything more to me, so I just decided to look out the window. I could see people still hustling and bustling around even at this late hour, and as we got out of the city area, we started to drive past a beautiful sandy beach, the water reflecting the perfect moonlight.

Then I saw a girl.

She was swimming in the water, and she had beautiful blue hair.

Something told me that I had met this girl somewhere before, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember where.

Chapter Text

My school in Hawaii was a fair bit different from my school back home. It was a boarding school, but I could practically go, and visit Mother, whenever I wanted. The school was near Honolulu, and even closer to Mother’s house. In any case, it was my first day at this new school, and as I found myself sitting in the back of Mother’s car, I realized just how nervous I was.

Looking out the window didn’t serve to help relieve this nervousness. What greeted me was the unfamiliar scene of palm trees, sand, and people dressed in floral attire. What made looking out the window comfortable was the familiarity of the things going past me. There was nothing about this scene that I could recognize or latch onto. The fact that it was hot at a time I was so used to knowing cold was another thing that made me nervous. Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly resigned myself to simply enjoy the ride.

Occasionally, I allowed my eyes to flick over to the dash mirror and observe my mother. It’s weird how, even with me, her son, she was strictly professional. The way she talked to the way she dressed was all business. Her blonde hair was tied up in a bun, a few loose strands falling onto the sides of her face. She wore a black button-up with a white undershirt and professional-looking black pants. She wore that same outfit every day, and I was certain her entire closet was filled with that exact combination of clothes.

Eventually, we entered a long and winding dirt pathway. The car bumped up and down, making me feel sick as we rocked along. To the left was the sea, a beautiful sapphire blue that shone against the sun far up in the sky. The dull blow of the air conditioning against my face was starting to pale in comparison to the heat. Today was going to be a scorcher, and I was already dreading it.

Our car started to come to a halt, and staring out the front window, I saw why. The facility was right in front of us. It was a huge building of brick and mortar, around 5 stories tall and with a huge grass yard. At the side, I could see a group of people wearing workout clothes and doing some morning stretches. What was more intimidating, the school or the people? I wasn’t sure.

“Alright, I’ll see you on the weekend at the very latest.” Mother began to speak robotically as if this were rehearsed. “Remember, you can call after business hours.” Her business hours were 8-5. “And you can drop by at any time if you have time off, it’s just a 20-minute walk if you cut through the forest. See you later, Basil.”

“Yeah, see you, Mother.” With a deep breath, I grabbed the suitcase I had packed that was sitting in the seat beside me. Suitcase now in hand, I gripped the door handle and ushered myself outside.

Instantly, the heat and humidity hit me like a truck. It was nearly suffocating. The only relief to this ache was when the wafting winds blew by with a divine chill, making everything right with the world for just a moment. But this was only for a moment, and the demonic heat of hell soon returned. The truth was…I was just being dramatic.

Hearing the whirling of tires from behind told me that my mother had gone. She hadn’t even bothered to accompany me up to the front desk. I didn’t exactly blame her; Mother was incredibly independent. It probably didn’t even cross her mind that something as simple as checking into a school could be more than a one-person activity.

Moving forward, I took a closer look at the group to the right that was doing morning stretches. One of them in particular stood out to me. She wore dark blue yoga pants and a matching sports bra. Most importantly, her hair was sky blue. This girl, the same girl I had seen on the beach a while ago…I had to know her from somewhere. She was like a distant memory I couldn’t quite place. Who was she? Our eyes locked, and I quickly looked forward, avoiding looking over to the right until I had reached the doors.

The relief I achieved once I entered the air-conditioned inside was almost unparalleled. Maybe only one or two sensations reached its level. Inside, there was a simple corridor that branched off into a larger hallway. Most importantly, there was a room for coats and shoes, and beyond that to the left, a main office. Having prepared for this extensively in the bathroom mirror this morning, I gripped the handle of my suitcase as hard as I could and walked into the office.

“Hello? Can I help you?” A small woman, even smaller than me, if you can suspend your disbelief, sat behind a desk. On the desk, a nameplate read “Headmistress Ailana.” She had black hair and tanned skin. Her lips were pretty full, and she had a couple of lines around her mouth and eyes. Wrinkles, most likely. She didn’t appear to be old, only about middle age.

“Um, yes, well.” Already I was fumbling. Quickly, I ran through what I had rehearsed in my mind. “I’m Basil. The new transfer student.” There, easy.

“Basil!” She glanced at a computer monitor on her left, moving a mouse and tapping away at a keyboard. “Yes, your mother said you’d be coming today. It’s nice to have you here at this academy!” She was rather enthusiastic, though it sounded contrived. “I’ll show you to your room quickly, and then from there, you’ll be given a schedule which you’ll follow throughout the week. Sound good?” Avoiding the risk of divulging from my script, I simply nodded. That seemed to be sufficient, as the headmistress got up and headed for the door. “Follow me.”

The place was a maze, and if it wasn’t for the headmistress, I was certain that I would have gotten lost. A left turn there, a right turn here. The layout made next to no sense. The second floor had an escalator that went up to the third; however, the third only had a set of stairs leading up to the fourth. Apparently, there was an elevator but it was currently out of commission. The headmistress promised it would be fixed soon, but that sounded very iffy. I was not looking forward to having to ask others for directions.

Room 134. That was the room I had been assigned. The headmistress handed me something from her pocket and quickly strutted away and back to work. I was going to mention she had forgotten to give me a schedule, but she had already disappeared before I could say anything about it. Whatever, hopefully, there was one already in my room. The door was dark brown, and the handle was dark red. With my suitcase trailing behind me, I stepped into my new living quarters.

“Aloha Roomy!” In front of me stood a hulking mass of a man. He wore a white tank top with blue flower-speckled cargo shorts. “It’s so nice having some company again!” His skin was a dark tan, and his hair was a dark brown that covered the entirety of his face. The hair went down to his chin, and his jawline was so sharp I was certain he could cut steak with it. I didn’t even have a moment to think before he wrapped me in a bear hug that almost cut off my oxygen. He dwarfed me in every way imaginable.

“N-Need…air.” Struggling, I managed to get two words out that made the man release me from his grip. Dropping my suitcase and grabbing onto my knees, I dry heaved onto the floor for a solid minute trying to catch my breath.

“Whoops, sorry Roomy. Sometimes I forget my own strength, haha.” He smiled and scratched the back of his head, but I wasn’t exactly amused. “Welcome to A’o Academy!” I certainly felt welcomed. Why had no one informed me that I’d have a roommate? That seemed like rather important information. Had it just slipped my mother’s mind?

“Yes, thank you,” I responded without deviation. I had only practiced saying please and thank you in the mirror this morning. I hadn’t anticipated an attempted murder.

Looking around my new living quarters revealed that the place was kind of a mess. The door had led into a living room, with a kitchen and dining room connected. Glass plates were piled up in the kitchen sink, and empty cans of alcohol sat on the dining room table casually. The place had a distant smell of beer, and there was a purple stain on a rug in front of the living room couch. Looking on the bright side, at least we had a TV. I didn’t watch much TV, but if I ever did want to indulge in some movies, that would be nice…I guess. Again, I was trying to fool myself. This was all terrible.

“Alright roomy, so like, I’m gonna go, and like, work out. If it’s cool with you I can come pick you up and show you to your classes after that.” Without waiting for an answer, my frat bro-sounding roommate left, flipping me a peace sign as he slipped through the door.

That was so scary. I couldn’t help but nearly collapse to the ground. That big guy was going to be my roommate? He looked as if he could crush me at any minor movement. He also seemed like a big partier, and that was even more terrifying. What was I supposed to do if I found my apartment flooded with people? I’d surely succumb and drown. All of this was such a big mess; a complete deviation from my original script.

Taking a deep breath, I picked up the suitcase and headed to the right. There was a small hallway, a closet, and then an empty room with a bed. Judging by the fact that it was clean, I surmised that it wasn’t my roommates. This meant it was mine, naturally. In any case, the room itself was fairly big, and I had my own closet, dresser, and bathroom, which was splendid. Not even the deepest corners of hell dare contested what my thought of sharing a bathroom with my roommate was like.

Immediately, I checked my phone in my pocket. It was around 7:30, classes started in an hour. I had plenty of time to get ready. The first order of business was to unpack all my stuff. With me, I had brought clothes, a brand-new camera, and a pack of cigarettes that I had snuck into the suitcase. Even if Mother caught me with the cigarettes, it was dubious that she would care. Why would she? There was no point caring about the well-being of such a pathetic son as me.

Flopping onto the bed, I let out a deep sigh, the serene air of this new environment settling into my lungs. The ceiling was white, and speckled with bumps. This was no doubt a stylistic choice, but I just remarked on how uncomfortable it looked. Another unfamiliar ceiling. How many more until I was able to just stay somewhere? Would I ever find somewhere that I could live comfortably forever? These were questions front and centre in my mind.

I had to have been sitting there for around 20 minutes before I realized there was a small bedside table to my left. Not only that, but on top of the bedside table was a small schedule of classes. It was labelled “Basil Flora”, as if they needed to be more direct. In any case, I now knew what my objectives for my days here were. I grabbed the schedule, felt the paper bend against my touch, and studied it with my eyes.

I had history in the first period. What an absolute pain. If there ever was a class that threatened to pull my eyelids down to the floor, history was the one. Maybe they’d teach me about Hawaiian history. I had to admit that my knowledge of Hawaii was limited to those fun facts Polly had machine-gunned at me before I left. She did mention something about a rich culture that was filled with interesting myths and legends. Though I knew I was going to have to memorize dates eventually. God, that was dull.

In any case, I heard the opening of a door and then a yell as someone slammed their foot. “God damn It!” It was my new roommate. “Hey! Roomy! I decided I’d come back a little bit early and show you around! Also, my name’s Etana.”

Agreeing that was probably for the best, I hopped out of bed with my schedule in hand and met my roommate in the living room. Now he was substantially more sweaty, his pits stained with sweat that almost made me hurl. Everyone sweat, so I didn’t hold him against it. Personally, I found sweat repulsive, specifically when it was on me. I tried to avoid doing things that made me sweat, or if I couldn’t, use excessive amounts of deodorant. Sweat was truly the worst blemish of humankind.

“Thank you! Mine’s Basil.” I tried to be as nice as possible. Sure, he gave off frat boy vibes, but my scary roommates hadn’t done anything wrong. He seemed nice enough, so I was willing to give friendship a shot. “I’d love to. This p-place seems a little c-confusing to navigate.” If he could show me how to work myself around this Labyrinth (Obligatory Tally Hall and Related Projects reference), then he must be some sort of genius.

“No prob bro, I’ll have you an experienced explorer before the end of term.” He flashed me a snazzy smile and a thumbs-up before grabbing my hand and practically flinging me out the door.

I didn’t expect much, but after the explanation, I was significantly worse off. “Okay so like, listen, dude, this over here is your home room.” We had made it to the second floor. Now students were flooding the hall, passing me by with odd glances and hushed whispers. I guess a new student at an academy stirred up some fuss. “So like, to get to your next class you’re gonna have to blah blah blah blah blah.” His words started to shift into mumbled nonsense, more of my fault than his. Diligently, I nodded away whenever it seemed appropriate.

His assault of “blah blah blahs" ceased. “So you got all that little dude?” I did not “got all that”. This seemed to placate him. “Alright, so I’ll see you later, alright? We share fifth-period gym together.” Out of all the classes to share, why did it have to be the one where our differences would be the most apparent?

With a wink and a wave, and women swooning as he walked by, Etana quickly made his exit. All that was left was for me to sit in my new class and listen to some boring lectures.

The classroom itself was standard. The door was near the teacher's desk and the front of the class, and the student desks were all aligned in disconnected rows. The walls were lined with historical facts, motivational posters, and memes that were relevant ten years prior. Stuff like this reminded me that, despite Hawaii seeming much different than what I was used to, it wasn’t so foreign. The schools were still simply the same, and the education was also going to be very similar.

Making my way to an open desk at the end of the class, I caught the eye of pretty much every student in the room. It wasn’t long after I sat myself down in the standard uncomfortable plastic school chair that whispers created an orchestra for my arrival. It wouldn’t be long til people already had impressions about me. Considering how this was a boarding school, whatever people assumed about me would probably spread fast. Either I had to make a good impression or stay very quiet. Not being a social butterfly, I elected for the second one.

“Basil Flora.” The teacher at the front of the class was an old, slightly overweight man, with a brown toupee and a big nose. “Can you come up to the front of the class and present yourself.” Already, my plan of staying perfectly quiet had been squashed.

My heartbeat rang in my ears. I quickly stood up, maybe a little too quickly. An erection would be really bad right now. God, why did I think that? Robotically, I strolled up through the aisles. Finally, erection free, I made it to the chalkboard at the very front of the class, looking back to see at least 40 eyes peeking into my soul. It was enough to send my heart into a paralyzing shock.

“Basil, are you all right?” The toupee teacher asked.

“Oh, y-yeah, I’m fine.” I could hear some snickers in the crowd, and I tried my best to ignore them. Secretly though, they rang in my ears like sweet nothings from the voices in my head. “My name is B-Basil Flora. I’m from Faraway, Michigan, and this is my first time in Hawaii.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “I’m looking forward to spending time here.” I was so awkward, every word was like a slap in the face with cold water. My words had such chilly intonations that I could sober up even the surliest of drunks.

“It’s nice to have you here.” Suddenly, I locked eyes with someone very familiar. Her blue hair was unmistakable. She smiled up at me with emerald green eyes. “It’s always great to see a new face.” The class erupted in nods and mumbles of agreeance at her statement, and I couldn’t help but show a hint of a smile.

…

I didn’t talk to the blue-haired girl at all during the first class, nor did I during the second, and I wasn’t in her class for the third. Speaking of which, I was almost late for the third class because I couldn’t find my way around. The only way I was making due was because I would simply follow around someone who had the same classes as me. Of course, I wouldn’t tell the person what I was doing. Simply put, I would hover near people until I heard mention of my next class and then hang around whoever said it. It was a little creepy, but effective.

Lunch was standard. They had a cafeteria. Unlike lunch at my old school, however, a standard option seemed to come with the fee to go to the school. I was surprised to see a woman come by me, who was sitting at a table by myself, and plop down a slice of Hawaiian pizza and some salad. I was about to make a joke about it but silenced myself. Hawaiian pizza was actually Canadian, not Hawaiian. Got that one from Polly.

“Hey, Basil dude!” My peaceful lunch was invaded, as my gray table was inhabited by someone other than myself. “How’s school life been treating you?” It was Etana, and he seemed happy.

“It’s just great.” Admittedly, I hadn’t had any problems thus far, which was a record. I had expected someone to kick my ass by this point, yet I was sitting down unscathed. “Honestly, I’m surprised at how normal everything seems.”

“Yeah! Newcomers totally always say that.” Etana grabbed one of his pizza slices and took half of it out in one monstrous bite.

With how many times he said “like” and “totally”, it was hard to tell if Etana was being sarcastic. For now, I was going to assume that the things he said were genuine. His personality didn’t seem like that of a sarcastic man.

“Etana, you should really eat like a normal person.” To my right sat down a girl with illustrious blue hair and soft emerald eyes. “You’re going to scare him.” She let out a light chuckle, covering her mouth with a hand as she did so.

“I know you.” Without my consent, my mouth blurted out these words. “I mean, I t-think you look familiar.” What if she wasn’t someone familiar? What if it was just a stupid case of me misremembering faces? That would be totally embarrassing. Totally? Was Etana’s vocabulary already rubbing off on me? That was scary.

“Oh, yeah, I remember you too Basil now that I think about it.” The blue-haired girl pressed her pointer finger on her chin and stared up at the ceiling as she tried to remember.

“You know my new roomy?” Etana asked before consuming the last half of his pizza in another monstrous bite that would make even the most ferocious lion bow down.

“Yeah, you’re from Faraway, right?” She flicked her eyes from the ceiling to me, and I quickly looked toward my food. I nodded. “I thought so! You’re one of the kids that used to be in my class back when I lived there. My name’s Cris and I moved to go to a boarding school. My hair used to be blonde, remember?”

Recognition flooded my mind of a blonde girl who was completely obsessed with sea shells. It was so obvious now. The answer that was on the tip of my tongue had satisfactorily been served up on a platter. Cris. The name felt familiar yet fresh in my mouth.

“Yes! I can’t believe I forgot.” I was lying. It was totally within me to forget something like this.

“Well, I don’t blame you. I do look quite a bit different.” She laughed again, covering her mouth with her hand as she did so.

“It’s so awesome that you know each other. Now we can all be friends!” Etana chimed in, starting to devour his salad with such intensity even the hungriest rabbit would run away. He must work out extensively to keep that physique with how much he seemed to eat. “Trust me, Basil. Academy life is awesome.” His words were muffled through lettuce, but easy to make out.

Cris put a hand on my shoulder. “He’s totally right.” The totally virus had gotten Cris too. “There are so many fun activities to do. We even have a swimming pool out back. Not that it’s too far of a walk to go to the beach. I love the beach.” She leaned in toward me, cupping her hand to my ear. “There’s even rumours of a ghost circulating around.” Her breath tickled the back of my neck.

Wait, a ghost? Suddenly, the hairs on my neck switched from tickled to standing up. “A ghost?” I repeated my thought.

“Shhhh.” Placing a hand to my lips, she rather aggressively shushed me. “It’s bad luck to talk about it.”

Etana nodded. “You don’t want to be cursed dude. Trust me.” Then a devilish smile took upon his face and he glanced over to Cris. “We’ll have to show him the abandoned home just off school property.”

Cris smiled as well. “Yes! That sounds perfect.” She clasped her hands together.

Ghosts? Curses? Abandoned houses? All of this seemed rather too much for me to handle. Surely, there was no such thing as ghosts…right? My faith in my own logic wasn’t exactly iron cast. Not wanting to anger either of them by saying it wasn’t real, I simply nodded my head and took a conservative bite of my pizza. Half of me was convinced Cris and Etana were just having a laugh at my expense.

…

The day had gone by without issue, though I didn’t interact with Cris much; she was Little Ms. Popular. Whenever I tried to get close to her, whether we were in the same class or it was the brief breaks in between classes, there was always a swarm of people. People and I were like oil and water. If they were there, then it was certain I wouldn’t approach her. It was just one of my neat little quirks. That’s what I had elected to call it.

Lying on my bed, I stared up at my unfamiliar ceiling as I shivered with fear. I couldn’t get the notion that this place was haunted out of my mind now that they had told me about it. Who knew I was so easily paranoid? Probably anyone with pattern recognition, maybe. With nothing else to do, I grabbed my phone from my bedside table and opened up my texts.

With a shaky hand, I sent Mari a simple greeting and awaited her response. It wasn’t long before I saw the three periods pop up as she typed her response. Mari was always someone who took very little time to respond.

Mari: What is it, Basil?

Basil: Do you believe in ghosts?

The question was simple and yet nonsensical. She probably thought I was insane for asking out of the blue.

Mari: Ghosts?

Basil: Yes, ghosts. Sorry, it’s a bit of a silly question.

Mari: Don’t apologize Basil. I just wasn’t expecting it…Ghosts? No, I don’t think I do. I mean, it’s illogical to believe in ghosts. However, Hero is a hardcore ghost believer. The big scaredy cat jumps if he hears anything with the semblance of a creak in the night.

Even though we were over text, I could practically hear Mari’s little laugh.

Basil: Is there any way to stop being afraid of ghosts?

Mari: Hmmm? Well, Hero’s pretty adamant that it’s impossible. When I want him to calm down I always just explain to him that if ghosts did exist they don’t have any reason to hurt anyone. Even if the ghost died angry it’s probably been enough time that it’s cooled off. Anger is like fire, it burns out quickly.

The reference to fire made me think of someone. It also made me remember I was single. Was getting into a relationship again worth it? The first one had gone terribly. Even so, I so wanted to feel the feeling of someone else’s unconditional love once again and to be held in someone's arms.

Basil: Thanks, Mari.

After that, I was able to get a good night's sleep.

Chapter Text

What is fear? Is fear a sense of heightened awareness because of a perceived threat to one's existence? Is fear merely a survival instinct? Since a large number of factors that hindered survival no longer plague humanity, many worries are obsolete. How come people are afraid of ghosts if ghosts don’t exist? Is it the unknown that worries us? No. We are not afraid of ghosts or the unknown until we know of their presence. It is not truly the unknown that humans are afraid of. If everything were unknown, then humans would have no fear.

Humans are afraid of everything they know. Humans are afraid that things will behave differently from how they are perceivably supposed to. Humans believe it is natural to live, and so are afraid of death. Humans believe that ghosts don’t exist, and so they are afraid of the chance they might. Humans believe they are loved, and so are afraid of being hated.

I don’t believe I am loved.

…

The abandoned house was a fair distance into the woods. Cris led the way, with Etana tailing behind us. Cris was wearing a pink crop top with a music note on the front, her sleeves puffed out and swaying in the wind. Her blue hair ran down her back like a rushing waterfall. She was pretty, and I felt a sort of guilty conscious wash over me for thinking this.

Sabi flashed in my mind for just a moment before I shook her away. Her existence was a sore memory now. It was a memory that only showed up every once and a while, like a sudden pop quiz with no answers. I needed to rid her from my brain. Hawaii was a new start. A rebirth of the mind. It was a chance to rid myself of the bad experiences of my past, even if those bad experiences were interlinked with equal parts good experiences.

Back to my companions, Etana was wearing a muscle shirt and pink cargo shorts. His dark brown hair was still covering up his face as he walked. I had been rooming with him for the entirety of a week now, and yet not once had I seen the top half of Etana’s face. It was always, without fail, covered up by his hair. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t curious about it.

The pathway way we walked was not the most pristine. It was covered with overgrown weeds and other growth. Every so often, Cris would chop in front of her, destroying a cobweb with her hand. I shuddered at the thought of walking into a cobweb myself. It would be embarrassing if the others saw me flailing around with fear and disgust at something as silly as a cobweb. A cobweb meant no spiders. Cobwebs were abandoned, yet they were still disgusting and terrifying.

There was silence, footsteps, and the sounds of birds flapping in the distance. Thankfully, it was starting to get late. This meant the harsh Hawaii sun wouldn’t be attacking us with its hateful rays, but this also meant that things were somewhat shrouded in mystery. There was no blinding sun to shine its light on the situation.

Finally, we reached the end of the path. In front of us lay the abandoned house. It was a log cabin that was slowly rotting away, with broken windows and shutters that swung open and shut at the behest of the slightest breeze. The wood was dark brown, and a small staircase led up to the front door, also made of dark brown wood.

“Well Basil, scared yet?” Etana slapped me on the back, laughing a little.

I’d have been lying if I had said that his touch hadn’t almost made me scream.

“Nope, perfectly fine.” I falsified my feelings. “Who used to live here?”

Cris turned around, facing me. Her eyes sparkled and her lips turned up in a smile. “Allow me!” She was energetic today. “Around 100 years ago this house used to belong to the headmaster of A’o Academy. The school was much smaller than it was today, but still fairly prestigious. Some people, however, weren’t a fan of how things were being run. The school was strict, and some called it borderline cultish.”

Her voice had such a cadence to it that was enough to make the air seem foggy. She was doing a great job at emulating the reader of an online horror novel. Her voice was comforting, yet unnerving.

“With how things were being run, some of the students took it upon themselves to change things.” She continued in the same horror voice. “Together, a group of two boys and one girl, they broke into the headmaster's home while he was sleeping.” Etana started to shudder a bit. “Then, all together, they smashed his head in with a rock!” Etana jumped a little as Cris raised her voice, causing her to laugh. “Anyway.” Her voice went back to her happy normal tone. “After that, someone else moved into this house, and then that man died under mysterious circumstances. Two more owners tried to live here, but both left because of a claimed negative presence.”

Her story was starting to make me question whether or not ghosts existed. I mean, all this stuff did seem other-worldly. My body was shaking. I told myself it was just because of a cold breeze flowing by. I wasn’t afraid! No, I was a little afraid. I’m able to admit that much to myself, but not to them.

“Should we really go in there then?” I asked. “If bad things happen to those who enter?”

“Come on, don’t tell me you actually believe in that?” Cris laughed a bit. “It’s just a local legend. I promise you’ll be safe.”

Her voice reassured me and strengthened my resolve.

“Though,” She continued. “If there really is a ghost I’d love to get a picture of it. I’m sure the local news would pay us if we brought in a genuine ghost photo.”

I was wearing a green T-shirt with a flower on it and brown shorts. Slung over my shoulder was a green bag that I carried with me holding sunscreen, bug spray, and one other item. To Cris’s surprise, I pulled out a small camera. It could print out photos directly after I took them. This made collecting photos quite handy.

“Wow! That’s amazing Basil!” She clapped her hands together. “With that, we can take a picture of any ghost we find!”

For some reason, I felt quite happy with myself.

“I hope we don’t find a ghost.” Etana seemed more scared than even me, shuddering as he looked up at the house straight ahead. He had been so energetic about it just a minute ago, claiming that he would put the ghost in a headlock if he found it. “Let's just quickly go and do this!”

“You were so confident earlier.” Cris chuckled. “Come on! Lighten up Etana!”

Etana did not look like he was about to lighten up anytime soon.

“Alright, you two.” Cris started to walk forwards, and then carefully up the creaking wooden stairs to the front door of the cabin. “Let's go into the ghost house.”

I trailed behind her, and Etana followed, not wanting to be alone in the dark forest. Cris gripped the doorknob and threw it open before heading inside. She was fast and fearless. Why was this? Did she not believe in ghosts? No. That couldn’t be it. What exactly was it that made her so fearless? Was it all a facade?

The inside of the cabin was just as run-down as the outside. We made our way into a kitchen, with cabinets that were half falling apart and an old stove that would never run again. Across from that was a living room, one with a couch infested by bugs and a table missing three legs. Every step one of us took made the floor creak as it tried to hold our weight.

“See, this place isn’t so scary,” Cris whispered, crouching down and walking slowly through the house.

It was sort of fascinating. There was so much abandoned furniture and belonging in states of ruin. Whoever had last inhabited this place had certainly not wanted anything to do with it. They had just left all their stuff here before leaving.

Together, we explored the house. I held my camera, and Cris fished a flashlight from her pocket. Wherever the beam of light hit, thousands of dust particles made themselves visible. It was all I could do to keep myself from coughing. If I did cough, I’m sure it would’ve given Etana a heart attack.

My heart was very loud. I was almost afraid that the other two would be able to hear the thing, as it was almost all I could hear in the back of my head. Etana was outwardly shivering in fear, and I was stoic on the outside yet cowering on the inside. Cris held a bubbly outward expression, and I was unable to tell what she was feeling on the inside.

“Alright, let's go upstairs now,” Cris said after they had explored most of the first floor.

“Where the guy was killed? No way man, I’ll stay and keep a look out here.” Etana said, stepping back and toward the front door.

“Fine.” Cris pouted a bit. “You’re coming though, right Basil?”

I didn’t want to. “Yes, I’ll come.” But I couldn’t exactly say no.

Together, we crept up a large staircase. It was scary, especially in the fact that every step seemed to threaten the stairs below my feet collapsing. At a certain point, I was in front of Cris. I had zoned out for a minute and must have gotten in front of her. Finally, I reached the top of the stairs. My body let itself relax as I no longer had to worry about the threat of a collapse. Then, I heard a sudden crack.

Turning around, I saw Cris falling. The floor below her had caved in, snapping and causing her to fall. What would happen if she hit the floor? If she landed on her back she could break her spine, crippling her for life. If she landed on her head, she could die or enter a comatose state. A shocking revelation entered my mind.

I didn’t want her to die.

My body moved almost subconsciously. I fell to the ground and reached out with my hand, grabbing hold of Cris before she plummeted down to a possible death. She reached out, and our hands interlocked. Chunks of wood fell, hitting the floor with a clink as Cris swung slightly as I struggled to hold her up. Etana screamed somewhere else in the house, no doubt afraid of the sudden noises.

Our eyes met, and I pulled myself backward with all my might. Cris was athletic, quickly reaching up to the second floor with her other hand and helping me pull her up. When she got onto the safe wood with me, we both just collapsed on the floor and let out breaths of struggle. My body was quite sore. I wasn’t exactly someone who could be defined as “fit”.

“Thanks…for that.” Cris huffed out, quickly springing up to her feet and offering me a hand.

Of course, I took it. “Don’t mention it.” Her hand was cool and shaky.

“Alright, let's explore the second floor now.” Cris quickly made her way to a room at the end of the hall.

She rebounded quickly, and I had no choice but to follow her. The upstairs was a bit smaller than the downstairs, containing a bathroom, a laundry room, and a bedroom. The bathroom smelled so terrible that I didn’t even bother going in, and Cris left almost as quickly as she entered, not speaking about what was in there.

The next room was the bedroom.

“This was where he was killed,” Cris said as we stepped into the room.

She stared at the bed, which had a blanket and pillows that had been chewed apart by bugs. It was stained a dark brown. Besides this, the room was pretty barren. All it contained was a singular bedside table and a kerosene lamp. To the right was a window. Outside, there appeared to be a storm brewing. Rain was flicking against the glass pane and beating a steady rhythm.

The sound of thunder rang out like the screams of a ghost. My body shuddered and I almost let out a scream before I felt something grip my hand. I felt Cris grab my hand. She had grabbed my hand to calm me down…or so I had thought.

But looking at Cris had me meet with a different reason. A reason that uncovered how Cris had been feeling all along. The girl was staring straight ahead. Her body was shaky, and her hand was cold. She wasn’t comforting me. She was seeking comfort herself. Taking charge, I squeezed her hand tightly. It was selfish of me to have thought she was doing this just for my sake. It was me who had to be the one to move now.

“I’ve never been able to come here.” Cris began to spill her guts. “It’s always fascinated me. The story and the folklore behind this place. But, I’ve always been too afraid to do it. Using this excursion as a chance to show you this place was my way of finally pushing myself to go. It’s scary, but, kind of fun as well.”

I felt the same way. It was nice being here. It was nice being here with another person.

“Do you want me to take a picture?” I asked.

Why did I ask that?

“Huh, of what?”

“Of you.”

“...”

Cris was speechless, and so was I. I refused to look her in the eye. Slowly, I brought out my camera, looking down at the contraption as I thought about my options.

“So,” I asked again. “Do you want me to take a picture of you?”

Silence once again. So we both stood there in silence. If she wouldn’t respond, then neither would I. It was petty of me, sure, but I was getting a bit awkward after not getting a response twice over. Honestly, I was debating just jumping out of the window at this point. My face was definitely red with embarrassment.

“Sure, I’d love a photo.” Cris finally replied.

Thank God.

“Alrighty then.” I looked around the room. “I think for the best photo you should stand by the window.” It would make for a cool shot if nothing else.

Cris complied, giving me her flashlight. She stood in front of the window, her blue hair flowing back and forth a bit as it was hit by wind leaking in through the wall behind her. I put the flashlight on the floor, illuminating Cris. She was a canvas of colours against a black, dark brown and stormy outside background. Her green eyes glinted in the light, and her cheeks flushed as I watched her from my camera.

“Let me see a smile,” I said...

She laughed a bit, and then she smiled. Her lips naturally formed the most innocent and playful grin I’d ever seen. Finally, I got the perfect angle.

Click

The picture was printed shortly after, and I grabbed the photo. Then, I shook it a little as Cris made her way to me so she could see her photo. She looked amazing, and I had to stop myself from blurting that out. She stood posed next to a stormy window, a chaotic landscape behind her. Yet, she looked calm and happy. It was amazing.

“Wow!” Cris leaned in close to me, looking at her picture as I leaned away. “You’re a really good photographer.”

Now I was smiling. It had been so long since I had taken a photo like this. It felt very good. It felt tranquil.

“Guys!” We heard Etana cry out from the first floor. “Guys please come back! I don’t want to be down here alone!”

We both laughed at the scared voice of Etana before quickly heading back down. We were careful to avoid the hole in the stairs and were both making sure the other didn’t fall. We made it back to Etana, who was nervously bouncing around on his feet. It was amusing to see him, a huge hulking mass, be nervous about something as silly as ghosts.

When we all returned to the outside, we were soaked. The rain was coming down harshly. The forecast hadn’t said anything about such heavy rainfall, yet here it was. We all ran through muddy ground, and yet it felt good. It felt childish, naive, and delinquent. It was fun. I laughed a bit as we ran. Why was this so funny?

…

Later on that night, I had my window open and my head leaning outside. The rain had settled down a bit and was just spitting into my hair. There was a cigarette in my mouth, the smoke rising into the cloudy sky. I inhaled, and the sickly sweet essence moved its way into my lungs. I was only smoking once a week, just to calm myself down. It was to subdue a sense of longing. It was a comfort at this point; a necessary break.

I couldn’t get Cris and the picture I had taken, out of my mind. She looked so good; so content. The photo was currently lying on my bedside table, underneath a lamp. It was disturbing how much I had looked at it by now. This was the first photo I had taken in years. The first photo of one of my first new friends. It was a new start to a new sort of relationship.

I let out another puff of smoke. Then, I took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it out. Water droplets that fell successfully put out the little stick, and then I pulled myself back inside and threw it into a trash bin next to my bed.

Tomorrow, I was going to go to Mother’s place. I needed to go buy a photo album, and I could already picture what my first entry would say.

02/07 - Haunted House

Today, Cris, Etana, and I visited a haunted house. Look at Cris! At first, I thought she didn’t want a picture but then she agreed. She’s so photogenic, I’m almost jealous. She was very happy with how the photo turned out, and I enjoyed taking a picture again after so long… It’s nice to take pictures of your friends.

Chapter Text

All Alone:

Everyone’s having fun;
Out partying;
Drinking;
Hanging with friends.

I’m all alone

They’re dancing;
Listening to music;
Playing games

I’m all alone

And it’s not their fault.
I never asked to be included.
I can’t ask to be included.

Because It wouldn’t fit.
Because it wouldn’t feel natural.
Because they wouldn’t want me there.

Because I’m all alone

Snowball:

The snow starts
Light
And fluffy
And from it is formed
A little snowball;
Small;
Manageable;
Not an issue

Snowball on a mountain
Falling down a slippery slope.
On its descent
It Grows
Bigger
Larger still.
Condensing into
Something much bigger:
A spiral.

It's not
Manageable anymore
And eventually
The snowball
Hits the bottom
And I shatter.

It was too much.

Chirping of the birds:

I lay, huddled, in a corner of my room.
I listen to the sounds of birds chirping; my window slightly ajar.
It’s nice,
Peaceful.
Like the crackling of fire.
Like the sounds of the ocean.
Or the soothing melodies of a violin.
My mother screams in the distance
At my father,
At Anyone.
The birds continue to chirp, and I try to focus on that sound.
More yelling.
Father retorts.
They’re both screaming now.
Father's screams much meeker.
I hold my breath.
I pray that they don’t get me involved.
The birds chirp.
I close my eyes,
focusing on the birds,
Wishing I could fly
Far away.

Atop a Building:

The wind blows by like the breath of a benevolent god
A benevolent god who grants every creature free will.
Free will to watch as their life falls down the drain due to circumstance
Free will to make bad choices.
Free will to pour gasoline on the fire

Just jump

(This one's admittedly unfinished, though maybe you'll see a more finished version some time in the future. That's all for now bye gang. Remember to take care of yourself and what not. Just like Basil in the last chapter ever if things are terrible they'll turn around eventually.)

Chapter Text

The kitchen, dining room, and living room of my, or rather my mother’s, home were all connected. You entered from the front hallway, one that the door to the outside led into. Once there, you took a left up a flight of three oak stairs. To your left, was the kitchen, the floor gray tiles with spiral patterns wrapping around like a deep sea mythological horror. There was a stove, microwave, fridge, and all the other basic kitchen fixings. There was also an island in the middle, with granite countertops and three raised bar seats. Mother, having woken up most likely hours before I had, sat at the island and tapped away at a laptop, a discontent expression upon her face. She always looked like that when she was involved with business. To the right of the room was the living area, a large brown couch surrounding an electrical fireplace, and a widescreen TV situated right above it. Straight and to the left, just beyond the kitchen, was a dining room table, black wood, with various oak chairs sitting around it. All of this was situated in front of a row of large, person-sized windows, overlooking the sandy beach and the pristine blue ocean beyond.

I had always found the huge dining table, and living space quite peculiar. My mother lived alone, besides myself, of course, and - as far as I knew - never had guests over. All the business she did with others was perpetrated over the phone or out at cafes. She never liked other people entering her safe haven. She even seemed extra tense whenever I was around as if I was some stranger that would grab a kitchen knife and plunge it through her heart at any moment. Lucky for her, I wasn’t that cruel, nor did I have reason to kill my mother. Her gripe was with Father, and even though she had abandoned me at a young age, somehow I found it hard to hold that against her. She had agreed to take me in, here in Hawaii. Agreed to provide me with schooling in a private institution. Because of her, I met Cris and Etona, so this entire idea wasn’t that bad. I took another step forward, into the kitchen. Her head turned around as she noticed my presence.

“Hello, Son.” She addressed me as ‘son’ like it was some position, no different than CEO or Worker. “How was your sleep?” The question was a formality.

“It was alright.” But my answer was the same. “How was yours?” And I pandered to her as she did to me. Anything to maintain somewhat of a status quo. Even this bland relationship we shared was better than the trainwreck of one that she shared with Father. A smile took upon my face as I imagined the fuss the two would kick up if Father ended up coming here. It wasn’t funny, or happy. My smile was quickly overcome by an overwhelming emptiness. Was this kind of relationship - one that was hollow and empty - was it the same way in the beginning with her and Father? Was what was happening now simply a precursor to the disdain and fighting?

But, could one blame me for this type of relationship? How was I supposed to get closer to a woman so professional and reserved that she treated me - her own son - as if I was some sort of client? I only spent Sundays at her place, deciding to stay at my dorm whenever I could. She hadn’t done anything in particular to wrong me, but she was incapable of connecting with me on almost any level.

Mother took a deep breath, and subconsciously I braced myself. Her face looked uncomfortable, unapproachable, and was the most emotional I had ever seen it been (with the exception of her and Father’s altercations, naturally). “Basil, your Father…and-” Her voice was overcome with spite. “Polly.” She said the name of my caretaker like it was a slur. Maybe she’d caught wind of Polly and Father’s relationship? That seemed like the only option for such hatred to enter Mother’s tone. She didn’t love Father, and it seemed she found the idea of someone else loving him just as repulsive as the idea of doing it herself. “They’ve told me that I should discuss relationships with you, on account of your…association…with that riff-raff…Sabi.”

My heart clenched tightly in my chest, each beat sounding like the preordained message of an explosion. Having a heart attack at my age seemed unlikely, but that didn’t stop me from worrying about it. Mentioning Sabi, springing that on me like this, well, it was simply despicable. How many nights had I thought about her? About the scene in the boiler room? Recently, not many. I had finally been able to clear my head and move on. Why were people still bringing it up? Did they not trust me? Did they think I was going to find someone just as, if not more, destructive than she was?

…

Would I?

Would I?

Also, the way she added riff-raff, well it told me all I needed to know about her view of the situation. Riff-Raff. No, Sabi wasn’t riff-raff. She could be crude, and was from a lower-class family, sure, but she wasn't riff-raff. She had adopted such proper manners during her time at our apartment with Father and Polly that it was impressive. If she was riff-raff that entire encounter would’ve gone so much worse.

“They want me to go on a whole spiel, reprimand you for dating someone like…that” Mother looked like she was about to throw up. “But honestly, I don’t see it the same way they do.” Something like relief took over me, but it was only for the briefest of moments. “Relationships themselves, well, they’re all a load of nonsense and gibberish. Love? Of all the non-existent human machinations.” In retrospect, this should’ve been obvious. Of course, Mother hated the idea of love. She and Father weren’t exactly the best example. “I only hooked up with your father because people wouldn’t stop pestering me about relationships. I picked him because he was popular and easy on the eyes. He was someone that provided a perfect opportunity to network by dating him. People thought we were just so perfect together, and somehow your idiot of a father believed them, even going out of his way to perform romantic gestures whenever he could. At a certain point, I was even convinced I was somehow in the wrong.” Wow, I didn't know she could think like that. “And having you was my effort to try and mend the relationship; to try and feel anything.”

Ahh, there it was. I was wondering when I, the child, would be brought into the conversation. I had sort of speculated that my birth was a last-ditch effort to fix things. That didn’t make the weight of her words any lighter, however. No, my soul felt drained of anything, and I had resorted to feeling nothing to subdue any feelings of sadness.

“As you can see, it didn’t exactly work.” Mother continued, sighing and going back to her laptop as if I wasn’t even there.

The worst part of it all was: I couldn’t even bring myself to hate her. No, that would be far too easy I suppose. She said it, not with the intention to hurt, but just as absentmindedly as one would ask for tea or coffee at the local Starbucks. She didn’t understand the weight of her words. She wasn’t a woman with high emotional intelligence, and that was to be expected. Father was overly emotional to a degree, and Mother lacked anything but spite. If there were two human beings faultlessly incompatible with one another, it was those two. In any case, there wasn’t much for me to do at my own house besides wallowing away in my self-pity. It was a godsend when I heard my phone begin to ring in my pocket, and I quickly fished it out to answer it.

“Yo, Basil, dude, where you at?” It was Etona, no one else talked like that.

“Uhhh.” I dipped back into the front hallway, away from Mother and her work. “Just at my house, why?”

“You should totally come hang with me and Cris.” He sounded happy, and I could hear the sound of waves crashing in the background of his call. “I think we’re actually like, near your house or something. We’re just hanging out at the beach, so like, we’d love it if you could drop by. Hell, I’ll even teach you how to surfboard.” I heard some bickering that was too far away from the phone to make out, Etona was talking with someone. That someone was unrecognizable, as Cris. “Cris also says - if you want to be totally lame, that is - that you could help her search for seashells or whatever.” Etona didn’t seem impressed by her suggestion. “Just make sure you bring swimwear and sunscreen. Don’t want the sweet rays to kill you, buddy.”

“Yeah, yeah just hold on.” I was instantly on the move; anything to get out of this house. I entered my room and fished through my closet. “I’ll be right there, just, could you give me some directions? My address is —---” I gave them my location and they told me where to go from there. It seemed I could walk for around 10 minutes and make it to where they were. Sweet.

I found myself a green pair of swim trunks, and a lighter green Hawaii shirt with palm trees all over it. Looking around in a closet in the hallway, I found myself some sunscreen and lathered my body up with it, making me look a little paler than I usually did. To tell the truth, I was a little nervous. I found myself glancing in the mirror at my shirtless self as I applied the sunscreen, noticing how wimpy I looked compared to someone like Etona. In the end, I told myself that it was either going out to the beach or staying in this house with my mother, and the latter was of no interest to me.

Heading out, the humidity hit me like a bullet train. It almost made me turn around and head right back inside, but then I rationalized. ‘The water is going to feel even nicer because of this’ I told myself as I made my way down the gravel driveway, carrying a little bag at my side. This bag contained the essentials: A towel, more sunscreen, and my trusty camera. I had gotten into a good habit of bringing the little Polaroid with me wherever I went. Of course, I was going to leave my bag a ways away from the water. I didn’t want it getting wet, after all.

As they said, it only took me about 10 minutes to get to the beach. I just had to reach the end of the property and then beeline right. There was a pathway that led straight down to the water, where what had to be thousands of people were splashing around in the water and lying down underneath umbrellas, tanning and socializing. I scanned around with my eyes for a bit, nervously standing at the end of the sand like the introvert I was as I desperately searched for my friends. Eventually, I found them, both of them had their hands in the air and were waving to me, beckoning me toward them. Quickly, I linked up with them.

Etona, true to his word, seemed to have brought an extra surfboard for me that was a bit smaller than his own, which was decorated with sharks. Mine was a plain blue colour, and Cris’ was a darker, more ocean-water-themed colour. They were set up with their lot, halfway between the sand and the water, with a large towel sitting underneath an umbrella with a small pouch and a couple of towels sitting upon it. It seemed to be a bit out of the way of other people, which delighted me greatly. Upon reaching it I placed my little bag down on the edge of the towel, smiling at my two, beachwear-cladden, friends.

Beachwear-cladden were they ever. Etona, with muscles so big I was honestly scared that if he tried to friendly slap me on the back my spine would break, wore these shark-themed swim trunks that put my green ones to shame. He smiled down at me, his dark hair covering his tanned face as usual. Cris…Cris wore a floral theme two-piece that, well, I quite…Sometimes I forget I’m a teenage boy, what with all the horrid happenings and emptiness of my own life. Then, stuff like this happens. I was going to have to make careful certain not to look too closely at Cris or else I might have an embarrassing issue on my hands

Etona pointed at me. “What’s a matter dude, you’re all red.” Why yes, thank you Etona.

I wanted to kick him, but I knew I'd only accomplish breaking my foot. Like the rest of him, Etona’s legs were severely jacked…and pretty hairy. Looking down, my legs were almost hairless, not to mention way scrawnier.

“I’m just, a little hot is all,” I told him, taking deep breaths to calm myself down. Cris let out a little giggle at this excuse. I wanted to die.

“Well, you didn’t forget to put on sunscreen, did you?” Etana asked. I assured him that I indeed had put on sunscreen and that he didn’t need to worry so much about me. This led to me having to explain to him pretty much everything I had done this morning to prepare, and for him to give me a lecture on protecting myself from the sun. I think he was under the impression that I was from Serbia.

After all that was done, I decided, maybe a bit out of spite (or perhaps because I was scared of messing up in front of Cris), that I was going to go sea shell hunting with Cris. Etona seemed flabbergasted that that was even an option I would consider, let alone actually take. Both Cris and I assured him that after we finished, we’d be coming back and surfing with him (which only made me more nervous, as that meant that Cris would have a front-row seat to any slip-up that happened).

Cris reached down, pulling the small coin pouch up from the towel. “Here, I know a perfect spot.” Cris grabbed me by the hand, and my face went red again. I was half expecting Etona to grab me and forcibly apply more sunscreen to me but he stayed quiet this time. “See you later Etona.”

“Yeah, see ya.” Etona pouted, running out to the water with his surfboard, Baywatch style.

Being behind Cris wasn’t the best idea for my teenage mind, and so, to let my thoughts remain proper, I opted to stroll beside Cris. Of course, I didn’t let go of her hand. She felt nice, comforting even. It was precious to me that she was relaxed enough to hold my hand like that, even though that was probably something other people didn’t think about. The truth was, I didn’t know much about normal relationships between friends. The only experience I had with a girl like that was Aubrey, and I was always too nervous to get too physically close to her.

She led us to a place less crowded with people. I had taken off my shoes when I arrived, and the sand beneath my feet burned so hot that it was distracting me from my embarrassment. That was good, but it was also one of the most painful experiences I’d ever felt. It might’ve felt hotter than the time that boiler exploded, or maybe that was just recency bias. Eventually, we made it to a cluster of rocks that I had to perilously navigate. It was all I could do to clumsily stumble in hopes of not stepping on anything sharp. Cris on the other hand navigated the rocks with the nimbleness of a mountain lion, even using her hand to guide me to the correct footholds. With her help, I was able to make it to the other side and back onto the sweet, third-degree burn-inducing sandy ground.

“You’re so graceful,” I told her, wishing that I was half as fluid as she had been.

“Aww, thank you.” Cris smiled back at me, igniting something within my heart. The emptiness from before was almost entirely washed out, replaced with the expectations of a fun-filled day ahead of me.

How Naive I was.

In front of us, beyond the sandy beach was a cave of some sort. The water seemed to go into the cave entrance, making it untraversable by land. It almost seemed to draw me toward it, before I realized that’s not where Cris had planned to go, at least, not today. Cris however, was on her hands and knees, gently digging through the sand near some rocks. Eventually, she pulled out what seemed to be a small, brown-speckled white shell.

“Do you see, Basil?” She held it up toward me. “A lot of shells wash up here and are buried, as not many tourists go all the way over here.” She laughed a bit. “It’s almost impossible to find any shells in the more tourist-infested areas. They snatch them all up like they’re sharks in a feeding frenzy.”

I could tell, those people were terrifying. They were far too upbeat and sporadic for Basil’s taste. This area, beyond the rocks, with the calming sound of the ocean waves beating against the sand, and the aimless chit-chat that filtered in from the rest of the beach like chit-chat, was all so soothing. This place was a paradise.

Joining her, I got down to my knees burning as I rummaged around in the sand. Unlike Cris, I was horrendous at searching for sea shells. My hands weren’t used to the activity, so I could only gradually shift the grains around, blowing on my hands as the heat became too much to endure. Cris, despite having such small dainty hands, did this like it was not scalding in the slightest. She moved around quickly, unfazed by the lava-like ground below us.

As time went on, and Cris found more and more seashells of beautiful quality, I found myself coming up empty-handed time and time again. Then, finally, I felt something, unlike the sand prickling at my fingertips. Brushing through the yellowy dust I found something unlike a shell. It was green and somewhat transparent.

“Oh! You found sea glass!” Cris exclaimed, crawling over to see my find more closely.

“Sea what?” I wasn’t familiar with the term.

Sabi laughed. “Seaglass, it’s a kind of weathered glass you can find on beaches. It looks really cool, and has this sort of frosted look about it that makes it something that a lot of people like to collect.” I had to admit, it was quite a pretty-looking piece of glass. “Here, I’ll tell you what. How about you give it to me and I’ll make it into a necklace for you, deal?”

My face went red. She wanted to make…a necklace for me?

“O-Of course.” I was flustered. “I’d love that!”

“Great!” Cris took the glass from me, placing it in her little coin pouch that she was using as a shell holder. “I’ll have it made up for you as soon as I can!”

Cris was going to make something for me. Something about that fact made me abnormally delighted.

After that, Cris collected a few more shells before we decided to head back. The Sun was starting to get pretty high in the sky as it ticked closer and closer toward the noon hour. She explained that after we surfed, we’d probably hit up one of the various restaurants around the beach to eat, though she also lamented that it'd probably be swamped full of people. Hawaii was certainly a busy place. I felt bad for the people that lived there, having to deal with so many tourists.

As we returned, we saw Etona riding this massive wave. Water splashed behind him, the mist mixing with sunlight and creating a stunning rainbow pattern in the sky behind him. He grinned when he saw us, starting to steer toward us as the wave ran out of steam. He ran out of the water with his board, rushing toward our towel area with an intensity that made me scared he would barrel into us. Much more gracefully than I expected him to, he stopped right before crashing into us.

“So.” He said between bated breaths. “Are you two ready to surf?” He seemed mighty pleased with himself, and although I was quite scared, I nodded. “Alright! Basil, come on, I’ll show you the ropes. I promise you’ll love it.”

Cris giggled. “How about I lie down and sunbathe for a bit while you teach Basil how to surf? I promise I’ll join you after.”

“Fine, whatever, me and Basil will have tons of fun without you.” Etona pouted, turning to me. “Take that shirt off, grab your board and let's head out to the water.” Admittedly, Etona’s good spirit had rubbed off on me. I was feeling a bit more confident in myself.

I took my shirt off, grateful he had mentioned it because I was honestly feeling quite heated with the sun basking down. Grabbing my board, Etona and I headed out toward the water. There were tons of people, yelling and talking among each other as well as surfing, swimming, sunbathing and the like. It was a little overwhelming, but Etona’s hulking figure made everyone else seem smaller in comparison, making me feel a bit better.

He slapped his board down on the water and pointed outward. “You see those waves dude?” I watched the pristine ocean, blue as sapphire, and its waves. It looked almost fake, like aluminum foil underneath the glare of the sun, creating psychedelic patterns in the metal. The water pushed forward, licking at my feet, proving that it existed. To Etona’s question, I gave a nod. “Good! Now, watch some of the other surfers over there, and how they catch the waves. See how they wait for it to just be about to hit, and then get on their board, running a bit to pick up steam. Also, notice how there’s only one surfer per board. That’s very important.”

Etona spent perhaps a solid 20 minutes explaining the basics of surfing to me, and I was grateful for every moment. He explained it very simply, and by the time he was finished, I was confident enough to enter the water. It was nice, curing me of the heat as I felt the cool liquid lap at my skin. It was much softer and gentler than fire. I started my surfing on very shallow, slow waves, quickly hopping on my board, crouching down, and riding it back to shore. As time went on, I risked further and further out, Etona encouraging me to push my limits.

“Wow! Not many people catch on this fast!” Etona praised me, and I felt quite happy with myself. “Keep at it!”

And so I did. I kept at it, kept pushing the envelope little by little. Me and Etona would take turns, catching one wave after another. He usually went further out than I did, and I wanted to take things to a more extreme. His praise had alleviated almost all of my fear, and I looked back at the towel to see Cris walking toward the water with her board in hand. That’s right, I had not only Etona to impress but Cris as well.

A fleeting feeling of childish pride took over me and a smug smile took upon my face as I ran out to sea. I was going to prove myself and get praise from both of them. I needed it. I needed it to truly satiate my emptiness. The ocean was so loud, as I ran deeper and deeper, to the point where I needed to swim. The waves pushed against me, but I ignored them. I heard voices chattering behind me, but I couldn’t make out the words. When I got a considerable distance away, the water probably going at least double my length downwards, I looked for a wave.

A big one was coming right my way. It was perfect. It was my undoing. I got up on my board, crouched down, eyes ahead, knees bent and arms loose, just as I had been taught. I rose and rose, ascending higher and higher. My conscience came back, and I realized how much I had screwed up. Heights were a no-go, and my body felt out of control. For a second, everything was perfectly fine, and the next, everything went wrong. Why had I assumed just because I was a quick learner that meant I was some sort of prodigy?

I fell, fell from my board, and fell from my grace, off my high horse and into the jaws of the water below. I crashed down, and my body failed me. I wasn’t strong enough, a current had me and thrashed me about below the surface. I tried to scream out, but that only succeeded in flooding my lungs with salty water. It was all for nothing. I had failed.

My eyes went dark as I saw a long-haired figure out stretch a hand to my body.

…

For a second, I regained consciousness. My left arm ached for some reason, and I felt someone's lips on mine. They were performing CPR on me. My arm felt hot, liquid running down it. I glanced over: it was red. I struggled to catch my breath as my blood spilt on the hot sand. Eventually, I lost consciousness once again.

…

When I regained consciousness once again it appeared that quite some time had passed. I was in my dorm room, lying on the bed, still in my beach clothes. Outside, moonlight streamed in through the window like an old friend. My left arm, which had previously ached, now felt numb on top of that. It was stiff, wrapped up in bandages. Just what had happened? Groggily, wiping away the crust from my eyelashes, I got up, fishing underneath my bed for something important.

“Aha!” Finally, I found what I was looking for. There was a small box, containing both my cigarettes and a lighter. I was starting to run out; I’d have to get some soon…though that seemed to be a task easier said than done.

Pulling out a cigarette from the box and lighting it up, I staggered to the window and blew the smoke into the night sky. I had tried to limit myself to one a week, but I was so muddled and stressed that I couldn’t help myself. Then, I heard the door open. Without thinking, I turned around to see who had come in.

It was Cris.

The cigarette was still in my mouth.

She had caught me committing a most vile act.

Chapter Text

“What are you doing?” Cris had caught me in the act, and her words - confused and betrayed - cut my lungs like daggers. “Basil?”

My name, yes, that was it. My mind almost didn’t seem to register what was happening in front of me. No, rather, for a second it seemed to think this was some sort of movie I was watching play out and something that I didn’t have a part in. Maybe I could attest some of that confusion to my injury. ‘Where was I? Oh right, Cris.’ My thoughts only became more muddled when I realized the severity of what Cris had seen. The cigarette in my mouth was the blood-soaked smoking gun. Smoking was illegal for minors, much less permitted within the school grounds. Somehow I was more afraid of the headmistress finding out than I was of the police but perhaps that’s because I’ve been to a jail cell before. ‘I wonder what Cris would think of that?’ I realized I was rambling again and tried to steady myself. It didn’t help that my arm ached.

“Uh, well.” As usual, I stumbled with my words in the most foolish and clumsy of ways. The cigarette in my mouth fell onto the floor and I was quick to stamp it out. The last thing I needed was some sort of fire in my room. “I just, I just.” What was I to say to justify this? ‘I’m sorry Cris but I’m truly disgusting and you should just kill me right now!’ Maybe not that one. ‘Cris, it’s no problem babe. You know I’m a bit of a bad boy.’ I’d rather throw up. “I smoke.” Simple, yet, it got the point across.

She looked shocked despite having seen the cigarette in my mouth seconds prior. “Weed?”

“No!” I exclaimed. “No, I just smoke the occasional cigarette, okay?” Now I was really on the defensive.

“It’s just…I never pictured you as a smoker, much less of cigarettes.” Cris said, still giving me an odd glance. The fact that she could much more easily picture me smoking marijuana was very concerning. “I’m…well it doesn’t matter.”

“So…you’re not going to tell anyone?” I tentatively asked.

“No…No, I’m not.” She crossed her arms and made a slight “hmph” sound. “But, I really wish you wouldn’t smoke. You know it’s bad for you?”

“Yeah…” I replied. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I started smoking…can we talk about this later actually? I promised I’ll give you the whole story…it’s just.” I pointed to my head. “My head aches and I’d like to get to sleep.”

“You don’t smoke all the time…do you?” She ignored me.

“Well, once a week.”

“Are you feeling better, how exactly is your arm? Also, do you feel concussed or anything? The nurse said you might’ve hit your head in the water.”

“I don’t think I’m concussed, and my memory s-seems fine.”

“Does anything else hurt?”

“N-Not really.”

“Good. Don’t use your arm much, okay?”

I nodded.

“I came here to check up on you, but we’ll talk more in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.” My face was red, and hers was too. “I’ll…see you.” She was about to leave, but I realized I still had a question. “Was it you that…saved me?”

“Yes.”

She left my room and I collapsed on the bed. My breathing was quite raggedy and my heart was beating harder than it ever had before. Why was that so…? I didn’t know how to put it. Did she care about me? All of her questions were about me. All about how I was feeling. Did she not care about the cigarette thing that much? No, surely she’d ask more about it tomorrow. What was I going to use as an excuse? Could I use anything?

I felt sleep drawing near, and I passed out before I came up with any conclusive plan. Whatever, I’d figure it out tomorrow.

…

The next morning was a Monday, and oh how I despised Mondays. It wasn’t that my arm hurt tremendously that made the school day so unbearable, rather, it was the fact that I still hadn’t talked to Cris. She had promised to talk to me about things today but…she didn’t seem to approach me or anything. A part of me believed she had already gone to the principal and that I would be expelled shortly. It made me shudder in fear.

Etona was his same usual self. Cheerful and full of smiles. He even offered to carry me around school because of my injuries and I had to remind him that a damaged arm didn’t affect my walking. The gesture was nice, though. He even seemed to be grinning more than usual, perhaps in a way to uplift my spirits. I wondered what he would think of my smoking…actually, he’d probably just throw my cigarettes out the window and force me to join him in his workouts to get my health better. I shuddered. That was something I couldn’t let happen.

So the day went by, and my nerves rose through the roof. But a part of me felt at ease. This was Cris. Cris was nice and pure. She was nothing like the disgusting person I was. I mean, smoking? Really? How pathetic a vice. It doesn’t even get you high. It just makes you smell bad and rots your body slowly. Maybe weed would’ve been a better pastime. Vaping appeared to be gaining popularity so maybe that instead? No, I don’t think I would be able to take myself seriously if whilst I sulked I smelled like bubblegum blast. Smoking would simply have to do for now.

I was sitting at my desk, half-heartedly twiddling my thumbs (I had already finished the assignment) while I waited for the class to end. If you had asked me anything that I had written on my page I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. My mind had already gone on its nervous rickety rocket ship trip to planet Schizoid. This was one of the classes I shared with Cris, and every so often my eyes flicked over to her beautiful figure and yet she didn’t look at me. When the final bell rang, at long last did Cris approach me.

She was wearing this nice blue T-shirt with some band I didn’t recognize. She also wore a blue pair of shorts that seemed to fit with her overall athletic vibe. God, was she ever pretty.

“Basil,” She said. “Would you be so kind as to accompany me to a cafe?”

“Oh.” Somehow the request caught me off guard. “Y-Yeah, I’d love to!” I cursed myself for coming off too strong, but thankfully Cris seemed to only smile in response.

Cris led the way, and I followed. Etona was going off to some after-school sports club he had tried to recruit me into earlier but I had expressly told him that sports weren’t my forte so it was just Cris and I. The occasional person would greet us as we walked by but besides that, we were all alone as we walked. I was far too nervous to strike up any conversation beyond small talk and Cris seemed to be waiting til we got to the cafe to say what she wanted to.

Outside the day was nice and moderate. The heat was a nice warmth and the occasional breeze provided all the refuge necessary. Since it was a Monday the swell of tourists had gone down tremendously, and it was much easier to walk through the streets. Even so, most of the cafes seemed to be full, which made me a little nervous about how we were gonna talk in a crowded cafe. The last thing I needed was someone overhearing Cris scolding me for smoking at the age of 16. Dully, I noted that my birthday was coming up soon. A part of me doubted my mother would remember that.

We made a couple of twists and turns as we strayed away from the main districts of the city. To an outsider, it looked like Cris was leading me to some back alley to swiftly mug and murder me. That possibility struck my mind but I realized if Cris hadn’t wanted me dead she probably wouldn’t have saved me from drowning. Then the realization that it was Cris that had saved me front drowning hit me in full swing. Shit. I had her to thank for saving my life. What could I even do to repay that? This was all such a mess, maybe it’d have been better if I had just drowned.

Finally, we arrived at our destination. It was a cafe (Antonnio’s Cafe, to be exact), with the occasional visitor, far off the beaten path. It looked so nice and pristine, and I was surprised at how empty it seemed. This seemed like a place that would usually be flooded with tourists.

As we entered the glass door of the cafe, a bell rang out and a man who manned a cash register in the front looked at Cris with a hint of recognition (Antonnio, perhaps). The place truly was nice, with oak tables scattered across the walls and nice leather seats along the side that gave each little booth its own privacy. Up by the man at the register was a chalkboard listing off all the store's items and prices, which seemed relatively cheap, as well as their daily specials (Marriage Soup was a dollar off today. I don’t like marriage soup). Cris made a motion to the man at the front and picked a booth in the back corner of the cafe. We sat down and a moment of silence passed. Finally, Cris couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“So, why did you start smoking?” She asked. Her words weren’t hateful or judgemental and instead filled with genuine inquisition.

“A…old friend.” I didn’t want to talk about Sabi. “Introduced it to me. I sort of wanted to impress them, so I smoked with them and didn’t think much of it. We don’t talk much but I sort of now use smoking to calm me down.” I figured being truthful was probably the best way to go about it. What was the point of lying at this point? She had saved my life so the least she deserved was a little bit of honesty.

“I see,” Cris said as she gave me a contemplative glance. “Really, even looking at you now it’s hard to picture you smoking.”

The man at the register swung by and asked us what we’d like. Cris ordered a latte and I ordered a hot chocolate. He whisked away and got at making our drinks. I admired how fast he was at his job.

“So.” Cris leaned in. “Was this old friend someone you had a crush on?”

“What?!” I exclaimed, maybe a little too loud as I caught a couple of the other residents shooting us glances. “What does that matter?”

“I’m just curious, you know.” Cris chuckled a little. “You’re a weird guy, you know that?”

“I don’t think I’m that weird,” I told her. She laughed again.

“Whatever you say,” Cris responded, her face getting a bit more serious. “You do know smoking is seriously bad for you though, right? I mean, it’s essentially shortening your life span every time you smoke a cigarette.”

Somehow, I didn’t care about that. Maybe it’s because I didn’t bet on myself lasting long enough in this world for that to matter.

“Well, I don’t do it often. But…” I needed to appease her, and certainly not with the truth this time. The last thing I needed Cris thinking was that I was some nihilist that didn’t care about living. “You’re right, I’ll start to smoke less often and maybe even kick the habit entirely.” I wasn’t sure if I had the drive to follow through but supposed it was best to just put her mind at ease.

Antonio came back to our table, setting down our drinks. Now that he was closer I got a better look at him. He seemed to be in his late 40s, with these dull brown eyes and graying black hair slicked back and brushed thoroughly. He had mutton chops that were similarly graying and a face that was beginning to wrinkle. Despite all of this he had a kind smile and seemed like a good guy to be around.

After he set the drinks down he nudged Cris with his elbow. “So, finally got yourself a man?” She nearly spat out her drink at this comment. I would’ve to but thankfully I was waiting for my hot chocolate to cool down. “He looks like a nice boy.”

“We’re not, I mean.” Cris was beyond embarrassed, her face going red as a tomato contrasting her blue hair. “He’s my friend.” She managed to stutter out.

“Oh, is this true?” He turned to me. He either didn’t notice or didn’t mention the state that my arm was in.

“Well, if she says so yeah!” Cris looked at me with a questioning glance and I nearly fainted. What the hell was that supposed to mean? ‘If she says so?’ It was so embarrassing.

“Alright alright, there’s no need to get so red about it.” The man smiled. “You two ‘not a couple’ enjoy your cafe date.” His remark only made us both all the more scarlet.

I started to drink my hot chocolate. It was nice and sweet, with just the right amount of creamy texture. There was also some whipped cream and marshmallows which were nice but it was hard to focus on that when Cris was so red right in front of me. I didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or just enjoy how cute she looked flustered. It was sort of a sense of pride to know that I had (albeit through insinuation by Antonio) made her like that.

“Anyway,” Cris decided to talk as we both finished up our drinks. “I actually bought something for you.”

For me? That was a shock.

Cris fished around in the pocket of her shorts for a second before producing what she was after. “I looked up some things about smoking and I heard it has a bad effect on dental hygiene. So I went to pick up something to remedy this and decided on this, dentist approved, ultra hygienic mint gum.” She passed it across the table to me. Admittedly, I wasn’t much of a gum guy but she had a point. I didn’t want my breath to smell of cigarettes. She leaned in close. “Also.” She seemed a bit more bashful. “Wouldn’t want to smell of cigarettes if you say, kissed someone.” That made sense. “Here, I’m gonna go pay for the bill. Don’t even worry about the money you can pay next time.” She left and I was stuck with my thoughts, a last bit of hot chocolate, and two revelations.

Wait a damn minute?! What did she mean if I kissed someone?! What did that imply?! Also, next time?! Does that imply this is going to be a regular thing?!

Cris returned to a mess of a human being. Though I had finished my hot chocolate.

“Hey,” She asked. “Do you want to go to my dorm for dinner? I need someone to beat in Mario Kart.”

“W-What about your roommate?.” I asked.

“Oh she’s away with family for a bit,” Cris responded. “Any further objections?”

I shook my head: I had none.

Together, we returned to the dormitory. That entire encounter - save for the embarrassment - had gone much better than I had hoped. Things seemed to be looking up, despite my almost drowning and injuring my arm the other day. It seemed that I was somehow immune to all kinds of negativity in Hawaii. Maybe they were right about that whole new start thing.

Cris’ dorm was a bit nicer than my own (blame Etona) and was very clean and organized. She immediately got into the little kitchen area she had and fished around in the small fridge for a second.

“I do hope you like leftover pizza, I’m low on food so that’s what we’re going to be eating.” She said as I took my shoes off and tentatively sat down at the very edge of the couch, perched up like some sort of bird.

“Oh, yeah that’s fine.” I wasn’t picky.

She grabbed the pizza and put four slices on a plate, loading it up in the microwave and putting it on for 45 seconds. The 45 seconds passed and she took out the pizza, sitting down on the couch next to me and placing the plate in between us. Gingerly, I grabbed one of the pieces and nibbled on it slightly. Ow. It was a bit hot.

“You can relax you know.” She chuckled. “Go on, sit back a bit.” I followed her commands, trying to let myself get comfortable as she turned on the TV, getting up to grab something behind the monitor. “Ah, here it is!” She grabbed what seemed to be two controllers and came back to the couch, passing one to me. “Oh, will you be able to play with your arm?”

“I think I can manage.” My arm hurt like hell but if I angled it right I could move my hand without it hurting. Thankfully they were independent of each other.

She turned on the TV, booting up Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for the Nintendo Switch. It honestly had been a while since I’d played Mario Kart. I used to play it on the Wii with Polly and the old gang when I was little but never really got any of the newer consoles. She got into the menu, selected two players, and then shot me a smug little look as she picked an option that said something like “200 cc”, whatever that meant.

Every single race we played was an utter massacre. I didn’t get a higher ranking than ninth all the while Cris consistently got first play every single time. I didn’t get why the hell we were going so fast. It was all I could do to stay on the track not to mention figure out the complicated intricacies of drifting. It was no use. No matter how much I tried I couldn’t even put a scratch on Cris’ kart.

“Well, that was fun!” Cris said as it started to get late. She gave me this smug little look and it was all I could do to not break down and cry. “Say, Basil. Do you wanna stay here? You could sleep on the couch…”

“Alright, I’ll sleep here.” Cris smiled, and I smiled back. “Thanks for saving me, Cris.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Without you, I’d be dead.” I laughed. “Isn’t that wild to think about?” For some reason, Cris looked concerned.

“What do you mean?”

“Sorry, I’m tired. What time is it anyway?”

“Almost 11, jeez, I lost track of time with all my victories.” It was Cris’ turn to laugh.

“Ha ha.” I pretended to be salty about the ordeal, but honestly, I enjoyed that Cris was happy. “That was unfair. You’ve obviously played that game a lot.”

“Tee hee hee. Maybe~” She teased. “Anyway, here, let me get you some blankets and pillows so you can sleep.”

“Thank you!”

Later that night, while I was lying on the couch and staring up at the ceiling, I thought about an upcoming date. It completely slipped my mind because my birthday was also around the corner. It was close to Valentine's Day…maybe I could do something to repay Cris for saving my life.

Chapter Text

Um, I haven't really updated this fic in a fairly long time as I've sort of moved away from the Omori fandom a bit but I still like the game and the characters and whatnot. I've been writing my own original stories and actually finished a novella just a couple of weeks ago which felt really nice to achieve. However, maybe good news, I want to continue this fic. I enjoy writing this, and have the entire story somewhat planned out so even if I don't end up writing more I will at the very least explain how the story was going to go. Still, I do want to continue depending on the support I get or whatnot. If you're reading this or want the fic to continue then just comment or whatever.

Chapter Text

When I woke up the next morning I felt odd, as if multiple months had passed, even though I knew that was impossible. After picking out a new pair of clothes, I hopped in the shower and let the hot water rush over my naked body. Instantly, my thoughts turned to Cris. She had been so nice to me recently; I needed to return the favour, and Valentine’s Day was going to be my ticket to doing it.

Getting out of the shower I got dressed, grabbing a piece of gum from the pack Cris had bought me and plopped it into my mouth. The minty taste felt nice, and I couldn’t help but smile.

…

Over the next week and a half, I made my preparations, with the help of Etona, who I had convinced with the rhetoric that it was for some sort of school project (though eventually, I did have to tell him the truth about my ultimate goal). Everything was going perfectly, and I found it surprisingly easy to keep what I was doing secret from Cris. Apparently, I had found myself rather adept at being sneaky, perhaps something I cultivated from hiding my smoking and other sins I’d taken up recently.

Mother remained distant as always, not that I particularly tried any harder to make a deep connection with her. She was so standoffish that even the thought of trying to interact with her made me shiver. She was as foreign to me as a Stranger, no more or less my acquaintance than an actual parental figure. People always rambled on about how one's family will always be there for them and other stuff of that liking, but I had been abandoned by my parents when I was little, so I didn’t particularly believe in any of that nonsense. To me, family was just a set of individuals like any other. They could grow to be more than that, or they could shrivel up until your relationship with them becomes rotten.

Like a cleansing wave of the ocean, the image of Cris was always able to wash away these negative thoughts. Whenever I was with her, everything felt like it would be okay. Whenever I was with her, I felt like I could have a happy ending. Whenever I was with her, I felt content. I was aware my infatuation with her bordered on obsession, but I felt that as long as it wasn’t harmful, then that was fine. What was a crush if not an obsession, anyway? They were synchronous in my teenage mind.

What was the hardest part of the whole experience was having to keep up with my schoolwork. I was perfectly content to slack off, as my mother didn’t seem to care either way, but Cris insisted I kept my grades up. She would always text me whenever we had an assignment due, making sure I had done it. Of course, I immediately got to work on finishing any assignment she mentioned, as I couldn’t give her the impression that I was a slacker, even if my slacking was to prepare everything for the big day.

The final piece was asking out Cris, and that proved to be difficult. I ended up asking during a hangout sesh between her, me, and Etona when Etona had gone to the bathroom. I had nervously stuttered on my words, and Cris had patiently waited for me to get my point across. When I finally managed to ask her to accompany me Saturday night she turned a deeper shade of scarlet than I had, before telling me that she would love to with a smile. It seemed I was a go.

With that, all my planning and preparation was over, and I was ready for the big day. I ended up ranting about it to Mari over text, and she responded rather quickly.

Mari: Wow Basil…I didn’t know you were such a romantic~

Basil: Mari…Don’t tease me.

Mari: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just such a cute idea.

Mari: Perfectly “you” if I must say.

Basil: Is it something Hero would do?

This was an important question, only because if it was something Hero would do then I was definitely on the right track.

Mari: Haha.

Mari: He would totally.

Mari: He’s all for over-the-top romantic gestures

Mari: That’s what drove me to him in the first place.

I smiled.

Basil: Thank you, Mari.

Basil: I’m going to sleep now.

Basil: Have to be rested for tomorrow.

I turned off my phone, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling with wide, nervous eyes. It wasn’t for another couple of hours that the butterflies rushing around in my stomach settled down and I could pass out.

…

February 14th, a day that I have hated ever since I became a teenager for the fact that it reminded me how painfully single I was, had become a day I was revelling in. This was an absurdity. Me, Basil Flora, enjoying Valentine’s Day. Ha! What a funny occurrence. Hopping out of bed I made sure to text Cris and make sure we were still on for today. Thankfully, it was a Saturday, which meant no school. Usually, I’d be going to my mother’s today but I already called her to tell her I’d be staying this weekend at the school. As expected, she didn’t seem to mind.

All the pieces fell in place more seamlessly than they ever had in my life before, almost as if God was apologizing. I was used to more cosmic resistance, so suffice it to say that I was quite hesitant to accept everything as working out. Subconsciously, I was nervously mulling over every minute detail that could go wrong in my head. Finally, I decided to just stop thinking and let myself be in the moment. It was hard, and I had to admit I used the help of a cigarette to get me in the right mood (after which I used the gum Cris got me to alleviate the smell on my breath).

I left my apartment that night in high spirits, dressed up in a nice green suit with my hair slicked back with a nice flower hair clip. My black roots were starting to grow out rather long, but I found I didn’t mind all that much about dying it. A girl saw me in the hallway, obviously suspecting what I was up to, and snickered a bit. I went a deep scarlet and continued. I couldn’t let other people dissuade me from my plan. After all, not only had I put a lot of effort into this, but Etona had helped quite a bit as well. At the current moment, he was putting the finishing touches and delivering my supplies to the correct place.

When I finally made it to Cris’s dorm I knocked once and instantly the door was opened. Cris was wearing a beautiful blue dress, her hair braided into a ponytail as she stared at me bashfully.

“So…where is it you’re taking me?” She said, a hint of slyness in her voice.

“You’ll see,” I said with as much romanticism I could muster up despite my crippling nervousness and sweat palms. “You look…amazing, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Cris said, blushing a bit with embarrassment. “Wait, no, sorry that’s a stupid response. You look great as well. I didn’t expect you to look so good in a suit.” I blushed and laughed as well. Cris was really really attractive. I couldn’t help but be entranced by her dazzling green eyes and the way her dress flowed down as she moved.

Together, we strolled down the hallway and out onto the school grounds. All the while Cris tried to crack and get me to tell her where we were going but to no avail. I didn’t want to ruin the grand surprise. She followed me until we made our way onto the beach. The pale moon beamed down eloquently from the clear night sky, setting the mood perfectly.

“The beach?” Cris questioned.

“Not quite,” I responded. This time, it was me who had a sly smile. “Oh, my? What is that over there by those rocks?” I pointed to something resting just by the water’s edge. “Is that a small paddle boat? I wonder what we’ll find if we take a short boat ride.”

“Oh shut up!” Cris said, her voice both amazed and shocked. “You went all out. I genuinely can’t believe this.”

I didn’t respond, only smiling faintly as I helped her get into the small paddle boat, picking up an oar and getting in myself. As I got us going, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Cris looked in the reflection of the water. The moon rested above her head like a halo, making her look divine in the lighting. Thankfully to get where I wanted to go I didn’t have to paddle far. It was just to the right of the shoreline: a small cave that I had learned about the last time Cris had brought me to the beach. The whole time as I started to paddle inside the cave Cris had this constant look of awe on her face that made me smile from ear to ear.

Finally, the paddle boat hit the sand, and we both hopped out. Over the last couple of days, I had spent time exploring the cave, making sure it was safe, and seeing just how big it was among other things. Once I had determined it was suitable for my plans I had gotten Etona to help me. He had probably only finished a couple of minutes before I had arrived on the beach with Cris. I had eventually folded and told him that all of this preparation was set up for a Valentine's Day date and he had made fun of me a bit before promising to keep it a secret.

“No way! There is seriously no way!” Cris let her eyes look at what I had set out for her. There was a nice table, two chairs, candles, and a nice dinner comprised of steak and salad, both of which I had cooked up myself. “You’re actually insane! How did you even set all this up?” She turned to me with a questioning glance.

“I have my ways.” I smiled. “Shall we?” I motioned toward the table.

“We shall.” Together, Cris and I sat down and enjoyed the meal.

“How do you like it?” I asked, nervous that my cooking was sub-par.

“It’s amazing!” Cris beamed. “I never knew you could cook.”

“I have…many talents…actually,” I responded, a bit slow.

Cris laughed. “You’re quite the romantic.”

I blushed, and we finished the dinner whilst making idle chit-chat about each other, passing a variety of compliments back and forth while we did so. Nothing bad had happened. Nothing had ruined my plans. Everything had gone perfectly. Maybe, I told myself, maybe my luck was finally starting to turn around. Maybe moving out to Hawaii was really the best choice I could have been forced into making. The night drew later, and we finally took the paddle boat back to shore, sitting on the sandy beach and watching the moon.

A chilly breeze blew by, and I found my shoulder becoming the new place of residency for Cris’s head, not that I minded. She was pleasantly warm and made my mind burst aflame with pleasant emotions just through the small action of physical touch.

“Thank you,” Cris said.

“For what?”

“For this whole date. This might shock you but I’ve actually never been on a date before.” That did shock me. “I never really talked or opened up to any guys besides Etona, and he’s too much of a blockhead to be able to figure out how to ask a girl out even if he wanted to.” Cris laughed. “I took an instant interest in you from the moment you came here. I could tell immediately that you were different than the other guys. The way you gazed at me…it was unlike how guys usually stared. You lacked that possessive perversion. You were seeing me as a person rather than an object.”

“Of course, I saw you as a person,” I responded. “You’re wonderful, Cris.”

“You’re wonderful too, Basil.” She responded, resting her eyes for a second as we both sat there in silence. “You think we should head back soon?”

“Hmmm.” I looked at the moon. It was starting to lower in the sky, making it clear that we had been outside for quite a while. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

We got up off the sand and brushed ourselves off, preparing to return to our boarding school. Cris turned to leave, and out of a weird impulse I grabbed her hand. She turned around, giving me a questionable glance and before I even knew what I was doing, I leaned in for a kiss. We embraced, interlocking as we melted our faces into one. This was a passionate kiss from both ends, neither side dominating. It was much different than my kiss with Sabi or the girl from my botany club. I felt more in control of this one. We broke the embrace and returned to our rooms in silence, me wishing her a good night as I dropped her off at her room.

A part of me felt as if this was some sort of dream. Everything that had happened today was picturesque as if it had come straight out of a novel. Another part of me wondered just how long this pleasant mood would keep up.

Chapter Text

Thwack

The sound my tennis racket made against the ball echoed through the court. It flew forward and toward my opponent, Etona’s, side. The morning sun peeking over the horizon reminded me that it was far too early for my liking. Etona and I had been playing Tennis for the past week and a bit, and I had come to enjoy the sport and be able to not collapse out of exhaustion after a match It was a nice time killer, as well as good exercise. That didn’t mean I was any happier at being woken up at 6 am to play a game but I didn’t mind too much.

I hit a particularly nice shot, causing Etona to both dive to hit the ball and fail to do so, hitting the ground with a thud as the point came to me, making the game 30:15 in Etona’s favour.

“Nice shot, bro!” Etona, laughing as he got up, applauded my effort. “You’re getting much better at this!” My mind flashed back to when we first started this past time, and Etona effortlessly beat me without conceding a singular point consistently. It had been pretty humiliating, especially whenever Cris sat and watched one of our games. Bouncing the ball up and down and preparing for his next serve Etona looked at me. “Your birthday is tomorrow, right?”

I had never liked my birthday, even when my old friend group would kick up a great fuss and make certain that I had a big celebration. It certainly helped decrease my dislike of the date, but didn’t address the primary issue I had with it. For me, it was just a reminder of how alone I was, specifically when it came to my parents. Every year like clockwork I received the same stupid birthday from them, with 100 dollars in it. That was my gift from them, every single year without failure. The only difference was that the note attached, written by father most likely, came with a different cheesy message each year, wishing me well. It was as if my parents were allergic to me back then, avoiding me like the plague. It was clear they, or at least my mother, had viewed a child as a milestone necessary to pass rather than something to cherish. Father isn’t blameless either, as he went along with whatever Mother did without question, like a walking doormat.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be 17 which is pretty insane to think about haha.” The answer was somewhat artificial, but it didn’t Etona caught on as we continued playing our game. He ended up winning, but I at least gave him a run for his money.

Unfortunately, classes started up soon after we finished this match, and we both wished each other a good day before heading into the school. It was a slog, as usual, but I was given a break from the boring every time I saw Cris. I had made a decision, and the decision was that I wanted to confirm our relationship. That was proper. That was how normal people did things, after all. The concept of exclusivity appealed to the part of my brain with abandonment issues. They say not to make your relationship anniversary on your birthday, but I decided to do it anyway. I didn’t want to wait anymore, and my birthday was a great time to do it as Cris, Etona, and I had already planned to hang out.

Cris, unfortunately, had things to do that night at her place and was picked up as soon as the school day was out. She made sure to promise me that she’d be back tomorrow, in time to celebrate my birthday. She also kissed me on the cheek which turned both of our faces a deep scarlet before she took off. That left me and Etona, who both decided to just relax for the night. Naturally, that meant getting out a Nintendo Switch and rocking some Mario Kart.

“Hey, do you mind if I invite some of my surfing buddies? They love a good Mario kart session, and they can bring more controllers.”

I had played with Etona’s friends before, and it was then that I found out I was quite proficient at Mario Kart. Because Etona beat me in everything physical I took a lot of pride in having this singular triumph.

“Yeah, sure, I don’t mind,” I replied

It didn’t take long for his friends to flood in, a bunch of big burly-looking guys with surfer cuts and stereotypical frat boy-type accents. One of them even bought some pizza for supper, and whereas it was super greasy it was also super good, so I couldn’t complain. It was surreal, seeing me, a petite, girly-looking guy sitting around all these buff pillars of masculinity. It also felt surreal that I had a decent chance of beating them in Mario Kart. It was fulfilling for a certain part of my ego. I noticed one of the guys had brought a bulky backpack but at the time had paid it no mind, assuming it just held controllers and the like.

When the game was finally set up I eagerly thumbed at the joysticks of my controller like a toddler, excited to play. The fact that it was my birthday tomorrow had slipped from my mind, admittedly purposefully, but still had slipped nonetheless. The screen glowed as we reached the character select screen and chose our karts. My combination was the male villager, the wiggler kart, the button wheels, and the basic glider. We played on 200cc, which Etona said was “the way god intended Mario Kart to be played.”

The first began and I quickly took the lead with my high acceleration. Through playing with Etona I gradually learned most of the shortcuts and how to utilize them. A lot of shortcuts that required things like a mushroom in 150cc were doable without in 200cc, and that knowledge gave me quite the edge. I ended up winning the first series of 4 games with 3 first-place wins and one second-place win. There was some grumbling, as well as a congratulation hit on the shoulder by Etona. It was after this that things began to go off the rails.

“Hey, dudes, how about we spice this up a bit.” One of the guys, the very same one with the bulky backpack, reached into it and pulled a couple of packs of alcohol, twisted teas specifically. “Beerio Kart, anyone?” This got the group of guys to erupt into cheers.

“Um, what?” I had no idea what Beerio Kart was, and I’d never drank alcohol before. I felt a pit open up in my stomach and I wondered if it would be best to simply leave.

“Oh yeah, you’ve totally never played Beerio Kart before, huh Basil?” Etona said, nudging me with a smile. “Alright, have you had alcohol before?” I shook my head, and the crowd of guys gasped in disbelief as if I had just said I had never drank water before.

“Dude, you are like totally missing out!” One exclaimed.

“Prepare to get wrecked!” Another chimed in.

“Alright guys, settle down,” Said Etona with a slight chuckle. “Alright Basil, since it’s your first time we’ll modify the rules for you. Usually, Beerio Kart means that you have to drink one beer and that you can’t drink your beer and drive at the same time. But, for you, how about we make it so you only have to drink one of your drinks every 4 races?” I nodded, not sure what I was agreeing to, and the crowd of guys cheered my name before ripping out one of the twisted teas and passing it to me, the others grabbing their own.

Nervously, I set my controller down and thumbed at the tab to open my drink. I struggled with it, in the way an animal struggled to open a container of food made for humans to open, before eventually popping it open with a sizzling sound. The smell was like a cheesy imitation of lemon tea. I glanced back up to the screen, set my drink down, and swallowed a lump in my throat while I nervously picked up my controller. I had to finish my drink before the 4 games were over. That was it. I took a deep breath. Surely I could do that much.

The first sip I took almost made me spit it out, much to the other guys’ amusement. Still, I pushed through with the determination of an Olympian. It felt wrong in my throat, giving me flashbacks to the first time I tried cigarettes. But this time, I wouldn’t let it turn into a cope. Teenagers drank with friends all the time, and as long as I didn’t drink by myself it was fine, right?

Despite the drinking game, I was still able to do very well, perhaps because the others had a higher handicap than me but when I brought that up they promised that since it was my first time drinking I’d need the boost later on. It was the second round of 4 games, and I was on my second drink when I started to feel the alcohol's effects. First, it was simply a matter of a heightened sense of focus on the game. I didn’t notice what was happening as much in my peripheral, and I felt locked in. Second, my movements became slower. I found myself unable to perform my usual skips, and my drifting would constantly send me off the edge. It was infuriating, and other guys started to snicker as they noticed the alcohol affecting me. It was affecting them as well, as I saw them with blushed cheeks and slacked smiles, eyes glossed over like they were made of glass. My third drink was when I started to babble while I talked. Basic things that didn’t make particularly any sense and yet I still got replies from the other’s, who were now also getting drunk. Everything felt slow, and my body was very sluggish. I wasn’t sad, or particularly unhappy, only because my mind didn’t have any thoughts that didn’t relate to the present.

I was outclassed. All the other people here had much more experience with alcohol than I did, and as such handled themselves much better. I was still able to score in second and third a lot of the time, but I was unable to grasp first in my altered state. My fourth drink started to wear on me a lot, and I was getting very disgusted with both myself and the taste. My body felt hot, my cheeks were flushed, and my eyes were very droopy. At this point, we had pretty much run out of alcohol and the other guys were all reduced to laughing fits.

It was when I stood up to go to the bathroom that I got a true sense of how drunk I had gotten off of a mere 4 drinks. My body was stumbly, and I felt myself falling almost as soon as I stood up, Etona catching me while bawling his eyes out at my actions and stabilizing me. I couldn’t think, nor command my body properly at all. I had to carefully inch myself forward and toward the bathroom of our apartment, using the wall to stabilize and catch myself after every stumble. I made it to the sink before leaning over it and emptying the contents of my stomach in a series of wretched puking that the guys in the apartment found very amusing. \

…

After Etona had drunkenly got me some water he had sent me to my room where I promptly collapsed on my bed and stared up at the ceiling in a daze. My head, and the room with it, spun as the alcohol started to disperse from my system. It was then that I realized what time it was. I had been lying on my bed for a while, as the clock read 11:55. It was almost my birthday. Almost that day I hated so much. I wondered if this year would be different. If this was the year I would finally break the cycle of bad birthdays and remember my birthday as a wonderful day from now until the end of time. Then I gave a childish little giggle because I was still drunk, and rolled over onto my stomach, kicking my feet, humming along to the song “Our Time” by Bo En that was released recently, and swiped through my phone.

The clock hit 12, the dawn of a new day, my birthday, and it was then I got my first text message.

Mari: Happy birthday!

I didn’t click on the message, simply reading the pop-up instead. The second to text me was a pleasant surprise.

Cris: Sorry I’m not there, but I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Happy birthday!

My cheeks went red as I kicked my feet in the air at Cris’ message. For some reason, I hadn’t expected her to send one.

After her came Kel, then Aubrey, and then my Father and Polly. Obviously, Etona didn’t send one as I was pretty sure he had passed out in his room after all his buddies had left. Hero didn’t send one, but Mari sent an extra birthday wish saying that Hero had passed out while doing homework as he had been working himself to the bone recently, so I forgave him. Mother didn’t send one, as she never really texted me, or cared. I wasn’t even sure if she knew when my birthday was. The one message that I actually opened was Cris’

Basil: Thanks!!! You’re the best Cris! You’re beautiful and funny, and I kinda want yu to be my girlfrind.

Basil: Thumbs up or down??????????

Basil: I’m a bit drunk haha.

Upon texting this, reading it over, and reading it over again, I threw my phone onto the other side of my bed and gripped my head in metaphorical pain. Why the hell did I type that? Despite worrying about it, regretting it, and wishing I could undo it, I failed to remember the fact that I could simply delete the text before she saw it, choosing to lament my choice to send it instead. Gingerly, like a scared bug daring to traverse over a spider’s web, I gingerly picked my phone up and stared at the black screen. I opened my phone to see that Cris had not replied, and I felt terror spread through my body. What was I going to do, I wondered.

Then, looking over my birthday wishes from my friends and responding to each of them with a simple variation of “thanks”, (albeit with the occasional drunken misspelling) I realized that one of my old friends hadn’t sent me anything. Sunny hadn’t said happy birthday to me. Now, I had expected this beforehand, so it wasn’t a surprise or anything to my sober self. To my drunk self, however, it made me very pouty.

I opened up Sunny’s contact in my phone and fervently pressed the text option before blankly staring at the screen. I knew he was up too, he had always been an insomniac who avoided sleeping like the plague. I half thought he did it only so he could have eyebags that seemed to arouse the girls he attracted. Finally, I decided what to text him

Basil: DIE DIE DIE!!! You’re the worst!

For good measure I threw in that emoji with its tongue sticking it at the end and finally put my phone down, feeling a lot better. Lying down on my bed, I felt myself slowly slipping away into my dreams. Hazily, I lay down on my side and gripped one of my pillows tightly, imagining that it was Cris before falling asleep.

…

The next day I awoke feeling a little sore, but overall not too bad. I had read about hangovers before and had been a little worried that I would have been majorly sick. However, as I felt relief at my lack of a hangover it was then I remembered the texts and a large feeling of dread crashed into my body like a tsunami. What had I done? With the speed of someone who might have royally messed up a relationship before it began, I fished around for my phone and swiped my way into my messages. Both of my messages to Sunny and Cris had been read, and neither responded.

Instantly I sunk myself into my pillow. I had completely forgotten it was even my birthday and was overcome with shame. How could I even leave my dorm? What would I do when I saw Cris for the next time? She probably thought I was an idiot or a jackass. Why did I have to be self-destructive? I needed something to calm down. I fished in the usual spot where I had hidden away my cigarettes, and with shaky hands pulled one out. It was then that I heard a voice outside my room, not just any voice, Cris’ voice.

“Hey! You better not be smoking in there Basil!” She said, knocking three times on my door, causing me to drop the cigarette in shock. “I saw your message.” She sounded a bit amused. “I’ve already scolded Etona for having you drink so much. Don’t worry about what you said, you were drunk so I won’t pay it any mind. Can I come in?”

“Ummm, yeah, okay.” I felt like a complete and utter failure. Cris had predicted what I would do to a tee. Was I that predictable with how I coped?

Cris opened the door, and I looked back at her to see her smiling face, beautiful as always. She carefully came and sat beside me, nervously kicking her feet before talking. “Hungover?”

“Surprisingly, no,” I replied, trying my best to avoid eye contact, placing my hands on my bed and staring at the ceiling absently. “I think I threw up most of the alcohol in the end.”

Cris laughed. “Yeah, I expected you to be a lightweight.”

“Do you drink?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Only occasionally.” She sighed. “Etona’s bad for it. He has been cutting down recently because he was hungover on a test date once and got a pretty bad mark. Though I can’t believe he would do that in the middle of the week. He’s so stupid.” She moved her hand over mine, pressing down hard. “You’re not out of trouble either! Why did you agree to that? It was a Tuesday night!”

“Oww, oww, I’m sorry,” I replied. “I was just going with the flow, I really need to learn how to say no more often.” She seemed content with this answer and stopped pressing down, simply resting her hand over mine, embracing it warmly like a blanket. “How are you even here? You left last night.”

“I came back early this morning for school, figured I’d stop by to make sure you weren’t doing anything stupid out of a preconceived notion of how I’d respond to that drunk message. No more drinking during weekdays, okay?” She sighed exasperatingly. “I feel bad enough that you smoke.”

“I’m sorry, Cris.”

“I can’t stay mad at you.” Cris’ face went red for a second, and she seemed to be thinking about something. “Also, um, thumbs up, I guess.” She laughed a bit.

“What?” I was confused.

“Your question. You have your answer.” She responded bluntly.

“Y-You mean?” Was she really referring to? “Last night's question?”

“What other question is there?” She laughed a bit. “And what other question was I asked to answer in the form of a thumbs up or a thumbs down.” Now it was my turn to have a red place, mostly from embarrassment that I had asked her to answer in that manner.

“Oh…Well…” I didn’t know what to say. “Does this mean w-we’re dating, or whatever?”

“Well duh, that’s what being boyfriend and girlfriend means.” Cris laughed again. Her eyes scrunched up in such a cute way when she laughed. “Consider it an early birthday present, though that’s not all I got you.” She winked.

“Good job securing the bag Basil my man!” Came Etona’s happy voice from outside the door of my room. “See? Alcohol is awesome! It got you a girlfriend.”

“Don’t encourage that Etona!” Cris yelled back. “He’s just lucky I’m an understanding lady.”

“Shut up! As if you weren’t head over heels for him anyway.” Etona responded.

Cris jumped up off the bed and bolted to the door, the sound of Etona scurrying away at Mach 20 could be heard from outside. Cris got the door up finally and bounded after him, her face red with anger. It wasn’t long before I heard a loud smacking sound and a yelp of pain. It seemed Cris had caught up with him.

Cris was…my girlfriend now? It was amazing! Awesome even! I almost collapsed back into my bed, however, I had school, so I was forced to get up and go through my morning routine. After that, the rest of the day went by in a fairly happy blur. Nothing bad happened, and I was content with all the events. Cris always flashed me a smile whenever we locked eyes, and Etona, surprisingly not being hungover, made sure to assure me that he and Cris were going to treat me to a nice dinner for my birthday. School ended in what seemed like a blur, and as Etona had said, he and Cris confronted me.

“Alright Basil, your control today is over. You’re coming with us now.” I followed Cris and Etona as they led me out of the academy and into the city.

We went around window shopping, arcading, waiting at nice little cafes and grabbing the occasional smoothie. Naturally, I got the strawberry smoothie. I loved strawberries and would rank them as my all-time favourite fruit. The day continued and we hung around the city, goofing off and enjoying our lives like teenagers were supposed to. It was surreal in a way. I wasn’t used to just being a teenager. I wasn’t worrying about my family situation or my old friends. I was just living in the moment, and it was enlightening. But as always, whenever such joy entered my life I couldn’t help but hold this sneaking suspicion in the palm of my hand that it would go awry. It was like a little voice, whispering in the back of my head, just barely audible, that told me something big was going to happen, that the train was about to be ripped from its tracks. Silently, I prayed for the train to continue its safe passage, at least for as long as possible. I was paranoid.

We ended the night in Cris’ dorm, having had dinner at a restaurant in the city. This all seemed like very fancy stuff, but I supposed it wasn’t all that abnormal for private school kids. There were two presents presented to me, both wrapped in boxes with green ribbons on top. These were presents for me. I almost teared up; I was so flattered.

The first gift, Etona’s, was a brand new tennis racket, my very own tennis racket. Before this, I had been using the facilities rackets, which were okay but you could tell they were worn down over time by the students' constant use. I opened Cris’ gift: It was a necklace, a necklace made of colourful sea glass and dazzling shells.

“So, how do you like it?” Cris asked bashfully.

“I love it.” Was my overjoyed response as I threw the necklace around my neck, the cool sea glass pressing against my skin.

We chatted, watched some movies, enjoyed some ice cream, joked around with each other, and even ended up having a pillow fight. It was a picture-esque birthday, and even though I didn’t see either of my parents I felt content with it. Etona ended up going home first, needing to rest for a game the next day and shooting me a wink as he walked out the door.

“W-Well…I guess I should be leaving sometime as well…huh?” I said

“Who said that?” Cris responded with a hint of slyness in her voice.

So I slept over at Cris’ place. We slept in the same bed, lying down, facing each other, staring into each other's eyes. We were dating, lovers, whatever you wanted to call it, and it felt divine. I reached toward her, touching the back of her neck ever so slightly and leaning in, placing my lips on hers. We made out, passionately, enjoying each other's touch as we did so. Eventually, we were both tired, and she turned away from me. I wrapped my hands around her tightly and we both dozed off.

…

The next morning I was the first to wake up. Not wanting to wake Cris, I carefully checked my phone for the time: It was still 30 minutes until the alarm usually woke me up, so I decided to let her rest. Then, something else caught my eye: Mari had texted me.

Mari: Just wanted to let you know that my family and Hero’s family are going to Hawaii this summer! We’re gonna be staying at a resort by where you’re living so we’ve planned to hang out with you.

Mari: See you then, Basil.

I almost dropped my phone in shock. Mari would be coming, but more so, Sunny would be coming. I would be seeing Sunny for the first time in a long while. Once again I was back to being conflicted about how to feel. I checked my text messages with Sunny, and once again the message that I had sent while drunk simply displayed itself to me with a little “read” icon underneath.

Then, Sunny sent me a text.

Sunny: See you this summer, Basil.

Chapter Text

“Basil. Come on!” Cris pulled me along a pathway, gripping my hand with a warm intimacy that I would have deemed myself incapable of acquiring a year ago. “You can’t put off meeting my parents forever.”

“What? I totally can!” I pouted as Cris pulled me down some forest pathway away from the city. I had been putting this meeting off for a few weeks and wasn’t looking forward to it. I had met Cris’ parents before, but that was before they knew that I was her boyfriend. Now, I was terrified. Her father was this big guy who, with just one flex of a bicep, could probably crush my head. “Who says I can’t?”

“I say that!” Cris pulled me along with vigour now, a fiery determination in those cool green eyes of hers. “You’re going to meet them, and he’s not going to kill you like you think he is!”

“But how do you know that?”

Cris just sighed in response, and I gave up on resisting, choosing instead to start mentally prepping myself to talk to her parents.

When we finally made it to Cris’ driveway I saw that their house was quite nice. It wasn’t as big as my mother’s, but it was still on a nice plot of land, having a modern architectural design with a second-floor deck with a barbecue and a man, Cris’ dad, cooking up some burgers. The smell wafted down to where we were, and I had to admit that it was quite a good aroma. My stomach growled a bit, and Cris looked at me smugly. It seemed I was going to have to stay over for dinner.

Cris’ father was big, and burly, with short-cut blonde hair, a handlebar moustache, and a very American style of dressing himself. If you pictured your stereotypical Southern American father, you’d be hitting a nail on the head with a hammer in picturing Cris’ dad. I had heard some things about him from Cris. He allegedly wasn’t a bad person but was still ingrained in old ways. I was a little worried but how he’d take me. I wasn’t exactly a manly guy.

We walked to the front door, Cris’ father waving to us as we did so, giving me a particularly long stare that sent shivers down my spine. It was Cris’ mother, a woman with light brown hair and the same green eyes as her daughter, who opened the door when we knocked.

“Mom, this is Basil, the boyfriend you’ve heard so much about,” Cris said bashfully as I gave a little wave toward her mother.

Instantly, her mother’s eyes lit up and she grabbed my arm, pulling me inside. “Please, oh my, please come in Basil! I’ve heard so many good things. I’m so excited to finally meet you!”

I was super embarrassed, my cheeks going red as I was led and made to sit down on a blue couch in the living room. There was a carpet underneath a glass table, a chair to my left, another couch in front of me, and a TV to my right. Cris sat down beside me and her mother took the other couch.

“So, tell me what first had you interested in my daughter.” Cris’ mother looked at me amused, Cris’ face turning red.

“Mom!”

“Come on sweetie, I want to know.” After this, the room went silent, and all eyes were on me. Why did I have to answer such an embarrassing question?

“Well, I, uh…” Not answering wasn’t an option. That would leave a bad first impression on Cris’ mother and might make Cris feel bad as well. “Cris is very…nice…differently so from other people,” I added when I realized how lacklustre the original answer felt. “It was when we were at the beach and we were both just hanging out with Etona that I first sort of fully realized that I liked her. Not to mention, I wiped up pretty badly and it was her who pulled me out of the water.”

“My my, Cris you’ve bagged a keeper I feel.” Cris’s mom gave her a sly look that made Cris’ cheeks turn a deep red.

“Mom! Come on, don’t embarrass him.” Honestly, Cris’ mom’s words were flattering, but there was no way I was gonna say that out loud.

Then, her father stepped on the scene.

“So, this is the guy who thinks he’s good enough to date my daughter?” The big man said as he walked through the living room and into the kitchen with a plate of burgers, swiftly returning after he finished putting them down. “Basil, or whatever your name is?”

I swallowed a lump in my throat, much to no avail at alleviating my nerves. “Y-yes, sir. I’m…Basil.” I was sweating. Hard. It was embarrassing.

I could feel his eyes give me a once over, particularly focusing on my face and hair. That day I was wearing your typical male summer wear, a t-shirt and some floral shorts, not risking wearing anything that would dare suggest I wasn’t the pinnacle of masculinity/good boyfriend material however my face and girlish hair were giving me away. That word, “faggot”, resounded in my mind from the time in the city that I was goaded for how I looked and acted. I was going to be sick if this continued for much longer.

“Hmm, well, it’s whatever.” The man sounded a bit displeased with how I responded - hell I didn’t blame him; the showing was pathetic - and walked off back to the kitchen to prepare dinner, grumbling as he did so.

“Oh don’t mind him Basil dear.” Cris’ mom smiled at me. “He’s just a bit of a gruff guy, he would probably dislike any boyfriend Cris brought home. I’m sure he’ll warm up to you in due time.” These words brought grumbles from the nearby kitchen that Cris’ mom paid no mind.

“Be nice Dad!” Cris yelled, stopping the grumbling. “Jeez you guys, both of you are gonna give Basil a heart attack between the questions and the intimidation!”

“Come on dear, we just want to make sure any potential boyfriend is good enough for our baby girl.” Her mom chimed in.

“And stop embarrassing me!”

The rest of the night went by pretty uneventfully, and we quickly headed out to the kitchen to have supper. I had to admit, Cris’ father made some amazing burgers, and he even looked satisfied when I commented as much. But I could feel tension, and the disapproving glances from Cris’ dad whenever he would turn to look at me. With Sabi, she had never even wanted me to meet her dad, so I never had this problem. This was my first time meeting a girlfriend’s parents, and it was just as bad, if not worse than all the movies and books made it out to be. Then, Cris went to the bathroom.

“Listen to me, Basil.” Cris’ dad leaned over the table, getting up and close to my face and almost making me choke on some water I was drinking. “If you even lay a single hand on my daughter I will personally beat you to death! Do you hear me?” I nodded profusely, terror in my eyes. “Good!” He pointed at me for emphasis as he leaned back into his seat, his wife shaking her head and sighing.

When Cris came back I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Looking myself over in the mirror I flashed a smile, and promptly threw up in the sink, emptying all the burger chunks down the drain. I felt so drained; practically on the verge of passing out. I wasn't good with people, much less the parents of the one person most important to me. God, I was such a mess. Conversely, Cris was so much better and composed than I was. I had to wonder what she saw in a sad sack of flesh and bones like me. Hell, I wondered what her parents would’ve thought if I had told them I was a smoker. I’m sure they would’ve been thrilled to learn that information.

After taking an embarrassing amount of time cleaning up my mess and removing any track of the fact I had vomited, I returned to the kitchen and finished up my meal. Everything went almost picturesque after that, and I was able to avoid any more stress-induced vomiting. I was surprised when we finished up dinner and Cris’ father just allowed us both to leave to go back to the academy. I would have assumed that he would have more to say considering how protective he seemed about his daughter, but I was willing to take this victory without questioning it too much. As we were walking home, I turned my attention inward and thought about how pathetic of a person I was. It was me, a pathetic person like me, that was supposed to be with Cris, marry her, and eventually even have children. Did she want that? Did I want that? Good lord was I a mess, and it was even more apparent this time.

“Hey, Cris,” I said as we walked through the forest, the evening sun lowering on the horizon and painting the sky beautiful pastel shades of orange and red.

“Yeah, Basil?” She answered. “ Are you feeling bad about my dad? If so-”

“No, it’s…it’s not that,” I replied, staring up a the sky for a moment to collect my thoughts. “It’s just…have you ever thought about having kids?”

Cris’ face went red. “Like…sex?”

“What?! No?!” I hastily replied. “Just like, the concept itself. Like…” I tried my best to think about what I wanted to say. “I’ve just been…thinking about my future lately…our future I suppose.” The words were hard to force out, but they felt important. “I just…I don’t think I’d be a good father.”

“Why’s that?” Cris asked, giving me her full attention, flattering me with something I didn’t deserve. No. It was something I couldn’t even fathom receiving on a whim, let alone deserving.

“Well…I’m…I’m.” The words repeated, fractaling endlessly inside my mind until meaning was lost and I had to restart. “I’m pathetic, you know. I’m just, well, I can’t do much of anything right. I can’t even form proper sentences for heaven’s…for heaven’s sake. Ahhhh!” I yelled a bit out of frustration. “See? How could someone like me…a broken person…how could I…you know?”

“Basil…” Cris wrapped her arms around me, embracing me and resting her chin on my neck, her lips next to my ear. “I don’t think you’re pathetic, you know? You may be a person with a bad past, but that doesn’t mean your future is set in stone. There’s still plenty of time for you to set yourself out, and for you to change before children even need to be considered. You’re still 17, after all.”

“Y-Yeah…you’re right.” I felt better. Cris always made me feel better.

***

The next couple of months went by in a blur. Things were heating up in school as finals drew closer and closer, and I had to buckle down and do some studying. Etona wasn’t much help in that department, preferring to go and party with his sports friends instead at the cost of his own grades. “Highschool is an experience” he would say to me whenever I or Cris would goad him for this behaviour. Cris was a much better help in the studying department and would come over to help me study quite often, especially when Etona wasn’t around.

I’d be lying if I said these “study sessions” didn’t also have sexual connotations. We tried a couple of things I hadn’t with Sabi, as we both hung around with Etona, who would occasionally talk about his own escapades with women. Now, Etona was a bit dense, so he was never usually the initiator, or if he was, then he did it by accident, but I couldn’t deny he was quite the heartthrob. Cris and I, upon hearing about how awesome it was from Etona, tried oral sex a couple of times. It was just a normal couple thing for teenagers, or at least that was how Etona made it seem. I had to admit it felt pretty good, and yet it was also sort of embarrassing. Having someone like Cris touch something of mine that was so impure with her beauty didn’t feel right. I also did it to her some time, and she told me that I was quite good at it although I wasn’t sure I believed her. Though, despite doing this a couple of times, we didn’t go all the way. No…that was something I wanted to take the initiative and do, as I felt it was a proper step in a relationship, and yet I always faltered. In any case, there was some other big relationship step I had to attend to first. At the end of the school year, there was this huge dance, and it was up to me to invite Cris to it, much to my dismay. It was customary for the guy to ask the girl, at least that was what Etona told me, and that fact caused me distress. I didn’t like gender roles. Unfortunately, it was more out of my cowardice than my strong allegiance toward the feminist movement but the point still stood.

The day of the dance, or rather ball as they called it, came closer and closer, and yet there was one more little thing that was always sitting at the back of my mind through all this. It was the ever-apparent arrival of Sunny Suzuki, as well as my other old friends on their vacation here this summer. It was terrifying, especially since Sunny Suzuki hadn’t said anything to me since he told me that he’d see me this summer. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d say anything about my drunk text, and if he’d told anyone else about it.

But as apparent as the threat he posed was, it was still one that needed to be thrown to the back of my mind. The ball was coming up, and I needed to get it right. I couldn’t embarrass Cris at such a public event.

***

“Etona, do you know how to dance?” As we were making breakfast early in the morning I sprung this question on the man himself.

“Me?” Etona, his mouth full of eggs, responded. “Wehl schur.” He swallowed his eggs. “I know how to dance great, dude! It’s totally just like surfing!” I doubted what he said about the surfing bit but I was happy he knew how to dance.

“Alright, do you think you could teach me?” I asked.

“Ah, I see. You’re worried about not being able to dance at the ball with Cris? Right?” He said, smugly.

“Yes…” I replied. “I just want to do a good job and not embarrass myself.”

“Bro, I got you.” Etona flashed me a smile. “I’ll teach you how to dance spectacularly. Cris will be amazed!” Hopping up, Etona moved aside the couch in the living room, with alarming ease might I add, and looked back at me. “Alright, let's get started.” I wasn’t expecting the dance practice to start immediately but what better time than now I guess?

Walking over to Etona, he instantly put his hands on my waist and grabbed my hand. “Okay, start slowly,” I told him.

“Will do.” He smiled. “Alright, the first thing to know about dancing is that your balance is key. It’s easy to get caught up in what your partner is doing and completely lose it. Tumbling to the floor is embarrassing, so you probably want to avoid it. Now, try to match my footwork.” He started to move slowly, and I placed my hands on his shoulder and hand, and I looked down at his feet. For someone so big Etona was surprisingly precise with his movements, and there wasn’t much variation between the size of his steps. It was easy enough to match his waltz movements at this speed but once he sped it up it became infinitely harder, and we decided to pick up the lesson tomorrow.

And so we did. We continued our practice, with the goal being to learn how to perform a basic waltz. That was it. That was all I needed to do. Day after day we practiced, and I inched closer and closer to my goal. However, there was also an alternative goal, that being that I still had to ask Cris to the ball itself. For that goal, I had Etona leave the dorm to crash at one of his friends and then invited Cris over to sleep there. I planned this elaborate and romantic plan involving hiding a message inside a dessert, and then, Cris entered the dorm. I saw her beautiful eyes and face and was overcome with embarrassment.

“Cris will you go out with me to the ball!?” I asked hastily, forgetting my big plan completely, or rather throwing it out.

“Oh? Yeah, of course.” Cris smiled. “You know Basil, we’re dating so I sort of just assumed we were going anyway, but it is nice to hear that you also think we should go.” She laughed a bit.

“Oh…” I had really worked myself up over nothing, but that was to be expected.

That night we slept in the same bed, something I greatly enjoyed. Cris informed me that when I sleeping I was very clingy, and as embarrassing as that was she also said that she enjoyed it when I would wrap my arms around her like she was a pillow in my sleep so that was something.

The next step on my list of things to do was suit shopping, something that Etona accompanied me to. In the end, after a lot of trying on different suits, we settled on a very nice light green suit, complete with a white tulip adorned on the breast pocket. Looking myself over in the mirror after I put it on I finally realized something: my hair was barely blonde anymore. It had been so long since I dyed it - and I had gotten a couple of haircuts since then - that all that was blonde anymore was the part near the tips.

***

The dance started at 7 pm, and at 5 pm I was pacing back and forth, breathing heavily in the bathroom of my dorm. The mirror revealed my hair was slicked back - yes how very stereotypical of me to do what every guy does at formal events I know - and I was wearing my suit. The stress was enough to kill a man. I couldn’t mess this up. It had to be perfect. It had to be great. For Cris.

Three hard knocks sounded out on the door of the bathroom, and I jumped out of my skin like some sort of twitchy kangaroo. “Basil, Dude!” It was Etona. “It’s about time to go if we want to get there early before it’s swamped with people!”

He was right, and so, splashing water on my face to calm myself, we both left the dorm. Etona himself had on a fairly basic black suit but rocked it quite well. Unlike me, Etona didn’t slick back his hair, and it was covering his tanned face like it usually did.

The ball itself was held in the gymnasium, and even though we were about 2 hours early there were already people starting to pool in. I took a deep breath, plunging into the crowd like a deep sea diver plunging into the depths. Etona trailed behind me, scanning for his date while I scanned for mine. Cris had said she would be here before us, and I was terrified of not being able to find her among the people. Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hello. I seemed to have misplaced my date. Do you know where it is?” It was Cris. She was wearing a beautiful blue dress with aqua stockings with a blue lily in her hair. She looked beautiful, or rather she looked divine.

“Your date, huh?” I played along. “I’m not sure I’ve seen him. Funnily enough, though, I’ve also misplaced my date.”

“Well, handsome stranger, I guess we’ll just have to keep each other company for the time being.” She chuckled.

“I guess I could do that.” I blushed. “I’d be remiss to refuse an offer for such a beautiful girl, after all.” It was Cris’ turn to blush now.

“So, are we gonna dance tonight?” She asked.

“Of course,” I said with confidence. “I’ve been practicing all week.”

In the time we were talking Etona had slinked off somewhere, most likely with his date. It wouldn’t be absurd to think that they were already making out in a corner somewhere. That’s just the type of guy Etona was. I’d heard girls refer to him as a “fuckboy” before, which was honestly quite the amusing term.

“Wanna go grab some punch?” I, creating idle chat and a way to divert attention away from the prospect of dancing, suggested something to do.

“Hmmm, yeah I could go for some punch,” Cris responded with a smile.

In all honestly the punch was mediocre. I had half hoped - in jest - that somebody had added alcohol into it when the teachers were unaware just so I could feel the slightest bit more courageous. The hours waned by and my nerves ran high. The dance was coming up, and all I wanted to do was hang my head and give up. However, deep down I knew that just wasn’t an option. This was something I was gonna have to see through to the end, whether or not I was happy with that occurring.

Finally, the ball began, and couples began flocking to the dance floor, ready to get it on with their partners. Some of them were fairly obscene, certainly not leaving room for any manner of deity let alone the J man himself. Naturally, some of the faculty came over to these students to sort them out and make a rather amusing public display of the whole matter.

“Well, should we?” Cris held her hand out to me, openly inviting me to the dance floor.

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, let’s go.” I took her hand, and we began to waltz.

The music accompanying us was perfect, and at first, I matched her movements with enough skill and efficiency to not be abhorrent. Sure, I was still a mediocre, maybe even lousy dancer, but the point was that I was dancing without being too much of a detriment to my partner. Cris wasn’t the best of dancers - not that I could judge - and I found it quite funny that Etona was, objectively, a better dancer than she was. Yet, it was also humanizing to know that Cris could be bad at things as well. It made me feel better and honestly made me enjoy dancing with her more than I would’ve if she had been the world’s greatest dancer to grace a ballroom.

The most embarrassing thing I did was when I accidentally stepped on Cris’ foot, overestimating how far she’d step away from me because my other dancing partner had been a bit bigger than she was.

“Ow!” Cris said, quietly, as I stepped on her toe.

“Sorry. So sorry.” I replied, continuing to dance with her.

“Honestly, I was expectantly something like this.” Cris’ lips turned upwards. “Etona told me about your ‘training sessions’ as he called them. It’s flattering that you put in that effort just to be able to do this dance with me.”

“Well yeah, duh I’m gonna learn how to dance with you,” I told her. “I want to do everything with you.”

There were no more problems with the dance, and when the night drew to a close we found a quiet place and kissed each other passionately. She was lovely, and everything about her made me certain that there was no way I deserved her. Yet, selfishly, I still clung to her for dear life.

***

Ding dong

“Flight number 143 is now docking.”

The days had gone by fairly quickly after that night. It wasn’t long before I found myself nervously standing around in an airport lobby, sitting on a bench all by myself and waiting…just waiting for something to happen. Flight 143 was his. He would be here soon. I felt like vomiting, yet I kept it in. I should’ve been happy. Mari, Hero, and Aubrey. They were all coming as well. Yet, my mind kept flashing to his stupid face.

When he stepped off his plane and into the lobby, our eyes locked for a moment, and I swear I saw the briefest imprint of a smile on his lips before he slipped back into his usual monotone expression.

Sunny Suzuki was in Hawaii.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Basil.” Sunny Suzuki was here. “Long time no see.” Although where his face used to be was now a mask.

That is to say: there was something off about him. His neutrality was more perfect, only in the most artificial sense. Usually, he had this smugness about him that despite being absent from his superficial blankness could be felt anyway, but now, there was none of that. I could tell something wanted to bubble up from the darkness of his mind, but I couldn’t place it no matter how hard I tried. It was terrifying.

“H-Hey…Sunny.” My reply was nervous: hesitant. Was he thinking about the text I had sent him that night while drunk? Did he even remember it?

We both stared at each other in silence for a moment before a couple of familiar faces stepped off the train. It was the whole gang: Mari, Hero, Kel, and even Aubrey, were all there, carrying some small bags off the plane and laughing amongst themselves.

We spent an hour catching up as the group waited by the baggage claim for their luggage. It had been so long since I’d seen Mari that I’d almost forgotten that she had dyed the tips of her hair purple back when Aubrey dyed all her hair pink. It was nice seeing her again, and she looked so happy. Hero seemed to be exhausted, yawning constantly and laughing whenever someone would bring it up before talking about how difficult med school was.

Mari nudged him. “You’re doing great, Hero. This vacation is to relax, let's not talk about boring things like school.”

He sighed. “Yeah, you’re right, Mari.” Hero turned to me. He was also someone I hadn’t seen in quite a while, and though we weren’t as close as I was with Mari I was still excited to see him. University hadn’t changed him much. He still had the same messy short brown hair with warm hazel eyes, with only two eye bags added to his overall appearance. “So, Basil, how have you been in Hawaii?”

“Ahh well…” My eyes darted to where Sunny was only to realize he had completely disappeared. Well, he always was the type to quietly slink away. “It’s actually pretty great. Really hot though, haha.”

“I can’t wait to go to the beaches!” Kel seemed ecstatic, practically bouncing with happiness. He had grown out his hair a bit and had it tied back in a messy man-bun which I found quite humorous.

“Pfft, wait until we get checked into our hotel first.” Aubrey, looking exasperated with Kel’s upbeat attitude, poked fun at his eagerness. She hadn’t changed much either, merely wearing her tail in a ponytail rather than how she normally wore it. “Where’d Sunny go?”

Mari laughed. “Looks like my darling little brother is off to his tricks.” She sighed. “He’s such the troublemaker.”

That was one way to put it.

Finally, their luggage arrived on the baggage claim and together we all - with me carrying Sunny’s luggage - made our way out of the airport and into one of Hawaii’s many beautiful cities. I showed the group around to a couple of restaurants and knick-knack stores that I recommended that were on the way to the hotel, and the group seemed to be delighted. The hotel they were staying at was honestly the most shocking part of their arrival. It was a resort hotel, one of the more expensive ones in Hawaii.

“How did you guys end up here?” I asked, nudging Mari.

“Are you insinuating we’re poor?” Mari quietly spoke back. “We’re not all rich like you but we get by.” Mari had a smug little smirk on her face, making it telling she was just teasing.

“N-No…I wasn’t saying that.” My face went red with embarrassment. “Come on, you know what I mean.”

Mari chuckled, hiding her mouth with her hand. “We won tickets to this hotel in a raffle thing mine and Sunny’s mom entered. She didn’t want to go so we invited Aubrey in her stead.”

That made more sense.

We entered the front lobby of the Beach-Front Resort (a rather on the name nose) and Hero stepped toward the bellhop at the front desk whilst pulling some sort of card or voucher out of his pocket. The bellhop was a man with black hair and green eyes with tanned skin who looked to be in about his mid to late 30s, and although you could tell he probably hated his job he still forced out a smile. It was probably company policy.

“Hey, two rooms for the Suzuki’s?” Hero asked

The bellhop grabbed the card Hero had, scanned it, and then remarked. “Rooms 455 and 456.” In a monotone voice before handing it back to Hero.

Hero gave the bellhop his thanks and the bellhop half-heartedly accepted it before we all piled into an elevator with all our stuff and pressed the button for the fourth floor. It was quite cramped in the elevator with all the luggage we had, and I couldn’t help but notice that Sunny had brought a guitar with him, though I supposed it made sense. He was always fiddling with it in his downtime, and his band would sometimes post demos of some songs he had written that featured just him on guitar. Based on the feeling and weight, it was his acoustic guitar, which made sense. It would be a little inconvenient if he were to bring his electric guitar here.

The rooms were nice, not the best this place offered but that made sense. They had windows that overlooked the beach and the city as well as a bedroom with a singular bed each and a pull-out futon, a bathroom with all the fixings, and a closet to put some clothing as well as a living room with a TV complete with nearly all the channels. The group bickered about who was going to sleep where and Mari shot Sunny a text telling him that his luggage was in the rooms, and what number said rooms were. Sunny replied with a simple thumbs-up emoji.

The rest of the day was spent wandering aimlessly, the rest of the old gang using me as their personal tour guide as I got to show them around the city in the same way Cris and Etona would show me around back when I first arrived in Hawaii. As nice as it was seeing my old friends again it was also nerve-wracking. I didn’t know how they’d react when they inevitably met Cris or even Etona if he showed up at some point. I was especially nervous to see what Sunny would do. He hadn’t exactly been the biggest friend of my last girlfriend, now that I was thinking about it.

Sunny didn’t show up throughout the entirety of the day, which only furthered my nervousness and made me quite antsy for a cigarette (something that I hadn’t had in a month and a half). It made me feel a bit guilty, my mind flicking to Cris as I thought of having one. She had convinced me to throw away the pack I had in my dorm although I still had a couple at my mom’s just lying under my bed untouched that I kept for emergencies.

I ended up calling Cris in the bathroom in the midst of having dinner with the old gang and gushing to her about my nervousness about my old friends being here (specifically leaving out mention of any thoughts about Sunny, hell, she didn’t even know his name). She gave me some words of reassurance and made me promise I’d at least introduce her to Mari (whom I had talked to her about a couple of times, essentially making her out to be this big sister figure, which she admittedly was).

After we finished our dinner I told them that I had to go back home, and wished them all well and a wonderful time in Hawaii, saying that I’d come around to hang out some more tomorrow. It was still light out so I had no problem - besides the heat - walking from the city to my house in the woods. Mother was gone for a business meeting so I had the house fully to myself for the next 2 days, something that I planned to take advantage of and just relax, listen to music, and perhaps do a bit of reading unbothered.

The hours winded by as the sun descended from the sky only for its counterpart to replace it as the guide for any weary travellers. The moon was a good friend of mine, and I shared many nights with it, using its pale illumination as idle light to prevent myself from being draped in utter darkness. I liked sleeping on the root occasionally, just staring up at that moon and letting myself be blanketed in its glow.

As I felt myself growing thirsty, I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of milk, my feet making creaking sounds on the food floor as I tip-toed down the hall.

“Looking for a drink, are we?”

“Yeah…” I jumped out of my skin the second I realized that there was a voice talking to me. No, it wasn’t just any voice, it was Sunny’s.

“Be not afraid.” Sunny laughed. He was sitting on the kitchen island, one leg atop the other, drinking from a bottle of Vodka that I had no idea how he had procured considering you weren’t allowed to bring alcohol on a plane and he had only been here a day. “Does that make me an angel?”

“A-Are…” There was no mask on Sunny’s face, only the thinnest, most maliciously elated smile I had seen on a man. “Are you going to kill me?” It was a kneejerk question that only seemed to add to Sunny’s laughter and amusement with the whole situation.

“Kill you?” Sunny took another swig from the bottle. “Shouldn’t I be asking you the same question?” It seemed he remembered my text, and that realization made my face turn a beet red. “Not that I minded it, you know?” I didn’t. “In all honesty, I’d be shmying…shymying? Jesus Christ, I’m drunk.” He took another swig. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t deserve it.” He said after some thought to his sentence structure. “I’m a bad man, you know?”

“How did you get in here?”

“I broke in.” He flicked my forehead, causing me to take a step away from him. “Duh. Learned lock-picking from a bandmate of mine. It really isn’t that hard.” He pushed his bottle of vodka toward me. There was only a little under a third left. “You wanted a drink, right?”

“Ahh, well, n-no, I can’t.”

“I insist.” His voice lost all emotion, and yet it felt as if Sunny’s words were all-consuming.

The cold bottle, its slight warmth all owing to Sunny’s lips, touched my own as I forced some of the clear-ish white liquid down my throat before reeling over with disgust and coughing it up onto the floor. Sunny burst out into a fit of manic laughter, hopping off the kitchen island and swiping the bottle of vodka from me before I had a chance to drop it.

“I expected as much.” He said. “Didn’t expect you to be much of a vodka drinker.”

“Get out,” I told him, frankly.

“Out?”

“Out of my house.” I continued.

“Why?” Whatever facade of confidence I had been formulating up until this point was completely broken by Sunny’s question. I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t bring myself to verbalize my distaste for the man who stood in front of me. “You’re just gonna throw me? A drunk? To the darkness outside? The Basil I knew would never.”

“B-B-But I…” He was right. I couldn’t do anything. Sunny had me figured out, my mind was a carefully spread out map that he could use to his advantage, even while drunk. I had been bested.

In the end, I ended up with a drunk Sunny Suzuki in my room, sitting on the edge of my bed with his acoustic guitar, strumming away. Now, if I had known he had his guitar stashed away behind the kitchen island I might’ve thought twice before letting him stay.

“What is ‘is?’ What is not? What is ‘what?’ What's up, party people? What? What I wonder? Why I'm not ‘whatever’ What the fuck? 'Cause you can break a shovel when you break new ground, you dig dirt up when you dig deep down, you should know better than that by now, it’s not profound to know that you can never know.” Came Sunny’s singing voice. As much as it pained me to admit it, he had a nice voice, even when he was drunk. “You know Basil.” He strummed a chord absentmindedly. “The hic text you sent me was an eye opener.” He laughed. “Yeah hic. I didn’t know that you were still thinking of me.” He smiled staring up at the ceiling. It was surreal seeing Sunny with such a happy expression. “Honestly, when that Sabi girl went to prison I was elated…because I couldn’t hic bear to see you like…” He trailed off.

Assuming he meant that he hated Sabi’s guts, which was fair considering she was a pyromanic with borderline personality disorder, I sighed. “Well, you’ll be happy to know that I’m with a nice girl now. Her name is Cris, she's got blue hair and loves swimming.”

The change in mood was instantaneous. Sunny’s aloof smile transformed into a scowl, and his coal-stained eyes dug into me as Sunny seemed disgusted by what I had just said. “And…she’s a normal girl? No issues or anything?” His words were shrill and slow.

“Not that I know of.”

“And you think that’ll work?” I didn’t understand what he was saying. “You think someone like that could ever understand you?” He turned around to face me, suddenly pouncing on me with a drunken haze, his guitar clattering to the floor. “You can’t be fucking serious?” He was atop me, his hands - his pale fingers - pressing into my shoulders, and his soulless eyes boring into my soul, looking enviously at what he couldn’t possess. “Something about you, Basil, it pisses me off beyond belief, you hic know? I hate your stupid black hair. It was so much hic nicer blonde.”

I punched him, rearing my fist back and striking him right above his right eye, making him fall off the bed and hit the floor hard. “Shut up! What the hell is your problem, Sunny? I just don’t get you!”

Sunny slowly stood up to his feet. “Aren’t you a ballsy faggot.” He smirked. “Kel’s not here to hold me back this time, you know?” I got up and stepped toward the door, afraid Sunny might try something, and yet he didn’t. “I think…I think I’ve made myself quite clear Basil. That whole thing with me dating Aubrey after you confessed to her, and my disdain for Sabi…it’s all been…fuck!” He almost fell over but caught himself on a wall, breathing heavily. Then, without any warning, he ran to my window and vomited outside, his retching sound making me sick. “God I hate you, Basil.” It was after this that he fell to the floor and promptly passed out. If there was one word to describe Sunny Suzuki it was “violatile”.

…

I was awoken the next morning by the sound of knocking on my window. “Basil! Basil, were you drinking last night?”

“Huh, what?” I blinked the tiredness out of my eyes and looked over to my window. In it stood Cris.

“It smells a bit like vomit and alcohol, is all. Sorry for accusing you of anything.” She replied.

“Oh…” I looked down to where Sunny had passed out. He was still there. “Sorry…that was a friend of mine…one of the ones that came over to Hawaii. I didn’t drink, promise.”

“Well, I guess I’ll believe you.” She laughed. “He doesn’t look very comfortable.” Thank god for that. I didn’t care in the slightest if that bastard was comfortable.

Then, Lucifer himself began to stir, standing up to his feet groggily and wiping drool from the corner of his mouth.

“Good morning, Sunny,” I said.

“What? Basil?” He looked at me with a confused expression. “Well, wasn’t expecting to wake up in your room…huh, did we by any chance…?” He then turned to the open window. “Who’s this?”

“Sunny, this is Cris, my girlfriend.” Sunny twitched a little when I said this. “Cris, this is Sunny, an old friend of mine.” Sunny also twitched when I said this.

“Well, nice to meet you,” Sunny said monotonously as he brushed off some dust from his clothes. “I’m leaving now, Basil.”

Sunny quite literally grabbed his guitar and stepped out of the room, and it was a couple of seconds later that I heard him slip out the door.

“That guy's a bit strange.” Cris laughed.

“You’re telling me. He just showed up at my place.” I sighed. “He’s a handful. I apologize if he bothers you at all while he’s here.”

“Why would he bother me?” Cris asked, climbing through my window and hopping into the bed with me, snuggling up beside me.

“Ahh, well.” The words Sunny said while drunk reverberated in my mind. Though, I guess I was lucky he didn’t seem to remember that. “Who knows with him? He can be very spontaneous.”

…

“Your old friends are back in town, I’ve heard.” Polly had called me later on that day. “Isn’t that exciting?”

“Yeah, it’s nice to see them again,” I told her. “How’s Father doing?”

“Ahh, well.” I heard whispering on the other end. “Well…We’re dating now.” Shocker. “If you can believe that.”

“I can.” Polly laughed. “I’m happy for both of you. How is his agoraphobia.”

“Getting better every day, actually.” Polly sighed. “We both miss you, you know? Do you think you’ll move back for college?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.” And the truth was, that I’d really had been. Me and Cris had discussed where we’d go for college and she didn’t seem at all against the idea of going somewhere near Faraway Town.

…

I didn’t see Sunny for a bit after that, though according to Mari he hung out with the main group for a bit, even though he was coming down with a bit of a sickness (I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was hungover). The days went by, and I tried my best to arrange a time when Mari and Cris could meet per their desires to meet each other. Eventually, we decided that a party Etona was hosting at his place, an account of the fact his parents were out of town for a bit, a couple of days before my old friends all had to leave.

“Nervous,” Cris asked as I brushed her hair, careful not to hurt her.

“A little,” I replied, the time of the part dawning closer and closer.

“Well, I’m excited.” Cris beamed. “I’ve heard so much about this Mari Suzuki, and a bit about her troublesome brother.” She chuckled. “It’ll be nice to put a name to face you describe as a surrogate sister.”

Cris and I were some of the first ones to arrive at Etona’s party, due to the fact that we were there with a couple of his sports friends to help set up the place. I wondered if he and Kel would talk at all. They were probably the two most like each other out of my old friends and my new friends. Of course, there was going to be a bit of drinking at the party. I myself had already stocked up with a small water bottle of pina colada that I and Cris had made up a little earlier. Some guys would poke fun at me for my drink choice considering fruity drinks were considered girly but to me, it was better than drinking water that tasted like piss.

So, the party began. People flocked in, and in a short while it was Mari and Sunny who were the first of the group to arrive at the party, the others were off doing last-minute shopping for their parents.

“Is this her?” Cris, practically bouncing on her feet, was certainly excited.

“Cris, I presume?” Mari said with a smile, Sunny slinking off into the party, a bag presumably containing his guitar and drinks on his back.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“I feel the same way. Honestly, you’re so pretty!” Mari nudged me. “Basil, you really got a keeper here.”

“Come on, you’re flattering me.” Cris laughed. “Though I don’t think I can compare against you. Your purple highlights are so pretty!”

“Well, blue is totally your colour. And your tanned skin is beautiful.”

This line of complimenting each other, and sharing stories about me, some of which were a little embarrassing on Mari’s end, continued for a while. But, I couldn’t really focus on it no matter how hard I tried. After all, Sunny Suzuki was off galavanting and doing god-knows-what. The masked face of perfection he wore permeated my mind like the scent of a corpse after a car accident.

Eventually, Kel, Hero, and Aubrey all made their way to the party as well, and the group spread out, interacting with some classmates of mine as I decided to wander and see where Sunny had found himself. My main goal in watching him was just to make sure he didn’t see anything to try and ruin my relationship with Cris. I didn’t think he’d stoop so low to do something like that himself but I would be lying if I said I could fully rule it out.

“Oh my god!!! Basil!!!!” An energetic girl, small, with green eyes, black hair, and tanned skin, tugged on my arm. I recognized her as one of my lower classmen, a girl a year younger than me whom I had tutored for a bit. Her name was Maria, and she had moved here from a small town when she was little. “You never told me you had a hot friend back home? When did he get here?!” Sure enough, she was pointing to Sunny, who had found himself entertaining a group of three girls wearing short skirts. I guess they probably figured he was an easy catch considering he wasn’t from around here, but I was wondering if any of them knew what they were getting into.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to get involved with him,” I told Maria. Sunny shot me a glance, almost as if he was questioning what I was doing.

“Why? You two are friends, aren’t you?” She asked.

“Y-Yeah…Yeah…we are.” I sounded unsure of myself, though I wasn’t certain if Maria understood that. She was pretty naive, not the type to get subtle tone indications.

It was then that Sunny, the bastard himself, completely left the girls he was talking to mid-sentence and walked over to me. He was wearing this stupid black t-shirt with some design I didn’t recognize, and black pants despite the heat. He had his guitar slung over his back like a backpack, and I had to wonder if that was strenuous. When he reached me he stared both Maria and me down.

“Hello, is this another friend of yours, Basil?” He asked tentatively Maria looked overjoyed that Sunny had even glanced in her direction let alone asked about her existence.

“Well…yeah…I tutored her.” As I said this, Sunny’s eyes dilated for a split second and his ears twitched.

“Is that so?” He mused more to himself than anyone specific. “Well, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Sunny.”

“I’m Maria!” She smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too. I think you’re cute, sorry if that’s too forward.”

Sunny chuckled, in a maliciously forced way. “I’m flattered.” He might’ve sounded flattered, but I knew based on his tone that his emotion was closer to disgust.

“Heya Basil! Enjoying the party?” Etona, coming up from behind me and draping his huge arm around my neck, almost sending me toppling over. “Who’re you?” He pointed at Sunny, who twitched with annoyance when he saw Etona touch me before returning to his usual monotone.

“Sunny, an old friend of Basil’s.” His response was clinical in how monotonous he sounded. He eyed Etona up as if he were debating on whether or not he could take him, taking a swig of the drink in his hand. Thankfully, whatever he was drinking seemed to be a lot less strong than the vodka he had had at my place.

“Oh yeah…” Etona laughed. “Forgot that Basil totally said he was inviting you dudes.”

“Haha.” Sunny didn’t sound too amused. “Hey, Maria?”

“Yeah?” She looked up at him with near-shining eyes.

“Wanna listen to some songs I’ve been workshopping on my guitar? I need someone to tell me what’s good and what’s bad.” Despite him saying this I was 90 percent sure that he would leave Maria immediately if she said any of his songs were bad, not that she would say that with how infatuated she seemed with him.

“You write music? That’s awesome. Sure I’ll go with you!” That being all Sunny needed to hear, he left with Maria outside, leaving me with a drunk Etona. Before he fully disappeared from view he looked back at me and I swore I could see an inkling of a smirk on his face.

I bumbled around, talking with Cris for a bit before she went to catch up with some friends of hers from class and I talked with Aubrey for a bit, reminiscing about when I still lived in Faraway. I half wanted to ask her about her small fling with Sunny, just to see what he was like during the relationship, but refrained. There was no need to open that can of works.

I decided to go check on Sunny at some point, having drank a bit more and feeling confident. He was outside, and apparently, someone had gotten a fire going because he saw with his guitar at one end of the fire, around 10 people, mostly girls, huddled around him as he played, Maria sitting closest to him.

“I wanna meet your maker shake him by his ensanguined damask lapels holler ‘Look what you've done: gave this planet a sun, and made a man to wonder if he's more than the sum of his cells’. 'Cause you defy creation. I hate you, I hate you, I do. Hands to the night sky praying you might die before I fall in love with you.” He sang to all that would listen, and yet I couldn’t help but think that the song was addressed to someone specific, and not someone in the crowd of his adoring fans.

He told stories about how he came up with the songs; utter embellishments that were in no way the truth. I watched from a distance, determined not to get involved and yet sort of entranced by the way he carried himself. His normal tone of voice was very emotionless which was contrasted by how he vocalized his emotions quite well when singing. It was the one thing that didn’t seem fake about him. Yes, his singing seemed genuine, and yet he claimed that his songs were written from the perspective of people that didn’t exist. In the end, Sunny Suzuki was quite a liar.

There was something I should’ve believed him about later on…but oh well, I’m getting ahead of myself in any case.

Sunny finally seemed to catch on that I was watching, and, as if to spite me, leaned in to begin making out with Maria. He kissed her without passion, but I knew Maria wouldn’t pick up on that. Scoffing at his attempt to no doubt piss me off I took a long drink of my beverage and headed back inside to join the main party. I felt a bit disgusted. Even though she was only a year younger than me it felt wrong seeing Sunny kiss her, if only because I had tutored Maria and had grown to see her as a bit of a little sister.

Kel and Etona did end up speaking and, both a little drunk, played a game of basketball out in Etona’s driveway for a long while. Aubrey and Cris ended up talking as well, and both were thrilled with the other’s dyed hair. Try as I might though, I really couldn’t enjoy the party after I had seen Sunny make out with Maria. It was just so weird and wrong, and the fact that Sunny seemingly only did it to piss me off made it all the worse.

I went home that night completely in disarray. At this point, I was starting to wonder if the fact that my old friends had come to Hawaii was a good thing or not. I mean, sure I had enjoyed catching up with everyone, but the annoyance and threat Sunny posed to the calm and peaceful life I had worked hard on building here couldn’t be overlooked. I couldn’t get his stupid face out of my head. I was starting to lose any semblance of guilt I felt for sending him that drunk text message.

“Boy trouble?” Mother was sitting at the kitchen island, her phone lying face up and based on the fact that muffled classical music was coming out from the speaker I imagined she was waiting on hold.

“I guess you could say that,” I responded.

“Hmm, yeah, when I was your age I found most boys annoying as well.” She sighed. “Most of them are pricks, you know?” I felt like she was a bad person to hear advice from, but nodded nonetheless.

“Well, it’s just that an old friend of mine seems to be doing everything in his power to annoy me. He does things just to see how I’ll react.”

“Yeah, guys used to do that to me too. They thought that for some reason if they did that I’d like them.” She made a noise of amusement. “What a stupid idea.”

Unbeknownst to my mother, she had opened up a possibility in my head that was disturbing in the utmost of ways. Did Sunny Suzuki…no…no he couldn’t possibly. But what if he did? Would that explain the way he had been acting?

Mother’s phone call finally started and she snatched it up, immediately switching to pure business mode as she talked at lightning-quick speeds with whoever was on the other end.

As I drifted off to sleep that night I was at a loss for how to feel. I was happy Sunny would be leaving soon, so I didn’t have to come to terms with my realization.

Chapter Text

When we finally went that one step further and had sex, it was I who suggested the idea. My mother had gone away on a business trip. I had the entire house to myself for a week. A normal teenager in this situation had sex with his girlfriend, and so that’s what I decided to do.

The day was, is, very vivid to me. I had hardly woken up that morning before I heard a knocking on the door. What time was it? I blindly flailed around for my phone on my bedside table before grabbing the little beacon of light, blinding myself as I turned it on to reveal it was already noon. I jumped from my bed with the strength of Achilles, quickly getting on some mismatched clothes before bolting to the door.

“Wow…you look rough.” It was Cris at the door. She looked beautiful, every feature of hers had been groomed and cared for to perfection. Compared to her I no doubt looked the wreck of the Titanic. “Aren’t you only supposed to look that way after?” We both turned a bit red at that comment, and she laughed a bit at my expense. I couldn’t believe that I had let myself sleep for so long.

“So sorry, I don’t know what happened,” I replied, my eyes nervously ferreting around like two spinning globes. “I literally just woke up when I heard your knocking on the door. I’ll shower real quick and then you can do my hair if you’d like…I know you find that amusing, much to my distaste.”

She smiled. “Oh goodie, you know me so well.” I ushered her in post-haste. It was rude to keep a lady waiting outside, as Polly would’ve probably told me if she was here. I was really starting to miss Polly and my father, although I was planning on going to see them near the end of the summer. “And…Basil….think I could come…with you?”

“To the bathroom?” I gave her an odd look, and only when I was able to spy her vast expression, as bashful as the playful ocean off the coast that delicately nibbled at the shore, that I understood what she was referring to. “Oh…oooh.” My face went redder than a beet. Yet, I knew I should be the one to take charge. No. Rather, I wanted to be the one to take charge. I wanted to prove it to myself. That I was capable of doing this. Of going through the motions. Of being normal. “Y-Yeah, you c-can.” Silence, dead silence. How utterly embarrassing.

Together, Cris and I made our way silently into the bathroom, closing the door behind us as if anyone was going to walk in on us. Mother’s bathroom was a fancy one. White-tiled walls and floors, with a grand silver mirror and sink, with many cabinets lining the walls with both beauty supplies and general cosmetic items. The shower itself doubled as a bath, with the bath having bubble jets and the shower head coming down from the ceiling. If my eyes were prone to dilly-dallying before this certainly didn’t help. Mirror, bath, Cris, mirror, ceiling, Cris taking her shirt off, mirror, ground, Cris, mirror, wall, Cris was…It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen Cris naked before. This, however, was the first time we had both been like this at the same time. Whenever we had done things like this before, one of us was always more clothed than the other, and usually the one that was in control. There was always that semblance of control over the situation marked by clothes. The clothes protected you from scrutiny and made it so you were not a focus. Now, it was too much. What was I supposed to focus on now? Cris or my embarrassment at my own nudity? Cris stood in a way that blocked her more intimate features, and I did the same. I couldn’t help but feel her eyes on me, squirming maggots devouring my skin, as I turned on the shower.

I could feel her body pressed against me. We were sardines delicately packed in a can 2 by 1. I made an effort to step in behind her, preventing Cris from fully gazing upon my body. It barely worked to alleviate my self-consciousness but regardless I shoved that down. The water fell down on us and allowed me to focus on another feeling rather than one contrived by my mind. I made a show of washing Cris’ body, feeling it was what a typical boyfriend would do. I grimaced at every brush of my skin against hers. It was disgusting how parasitically bold I had grown. To think someone like me was even able to glance at her flesh was absurd, and here I was tainting it with my own. These thoughts, too, I pressed down into the back of my psyche.

When it was my turn to be thoroughly washed we awkwardly switched ourselves around, taking care not to glance for too long at each other’s intimate parts. Well, I took the care. Cris seemed to have less hesitance to gaze upon me than I did to gaze upon her. Somehow, her hands taking such careful attention to my body felt even more illicit than when I took attention to hers. At least in my case, it was only an action that fell below what Cris deserved yet strived to approach it. Her actions right now were so far above anything I deserved that I felt both blessed and disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. What the fuck was wrong with me? As Cris began to run her hands through my hair with shampoo I realized just how out of it I was. Why was I thinking this way? Yet the question itself had an answer, and he had a name. Sunny Suzuki was still on my mind.

I kissed her as we finished up. It was much more forceful than my usual mannerisms. I grabbed her in a way that had not within it desire but rather a need. Not a need for her, but a need for distraction. I didn’t need her, rather I didn’t deserve her. But I kissed her, and she received me like she was grateful for that. The pit steadily forming in my stomach devoured my internal organs as I realized how much this girl loved me, and how undeserving of that I was. Running the risk of repeating the plethora of “undeserving”s, “but”s, and “rather”s, I tried to stop this line of thought as we danced ethereally. I hadn’t been planning on doing this here, but i was tired of waiting. Cris was on birth control, she had told me a week ago, a less-than-subtle hint that implored me to let this up. Well, she said it helped with acne, though I could barely even imagine her having acne of any sort. Even now, sweat pooling down her body, violated by a disgusting shell of a man, Cris was the epitome of both beauty and grace. Her hands used my neck as support, and we both found it hard to meet each other’s gaze for long periods. No, I was projecting. It was I who found that little procedure hard.

It was much different to be in control. Cris was pinned against the wall, willingly at my mercy. I controlled the entire pace of the situation. Naturally, I used every little sound or movement of hers as a handbook. After all, this wasn’t something for me to take pleasure in. It was something for me to try and live up to what she deserved. I needed to make her feel good. Yet, my own control ended up acting as something almost against this aim. I wasn’t good at this…being so close to someone…it was taxing. Every slight movement she made was startling. They made me fretful. I would flinch, or have a hike in my breathing, move too fast or too slow. I was terrified of people, and that was what made making love so inconvenient for me. No, this wasn’t “making love”. This was merely the closest I could approach to the concept.

“I love you Basil.” her words were sickly tantalizing. She said them with such certainty, devoting so much concentration to them despite what was happening.

“I love you too, Cris.” In comparison, my words sounded blurry. I was certain of what I was saying, and yet there was a conviction to them that was being locked away from me.

This was so different from Sabi. I hadn’t been as mature then. I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture half as much. She was also a bit of a psychopath but I tended to gloss over those parts. Not like I was any more mentally healthy than she was. We had both been so broken.

When I climaxed I grabbed Cris like she was the edge of the cliffside and I was quickly slipping. Selfishly I got as close as I possibly could to her, making sure she couldn’t look at my face. I didn’t want to be seen in such a vulnerable moment. The pleasure I was feeling was combined with a cup of mixed feelings. Oddly enough a thought that permeated in my mind was “I wonder what Sunny Suzuki would think of this”. Would he be jealous?

She kissed me this time, and I graciously received it. It was only then that I became cognitive of the water falling on my back. It stung ever-so-slightly. I guess I might’ve bumped the shower valve. Not that I paid it much mind. It was soothing, nostalgic even. Heat had been associated with both my sexual encounters in a way, and that was a little funny to recall.

“Well…I guess we should probably rewash ourselves.” Cris said, laughing in between her bated breaths.

We were certainly not as clean as we should be…not to mention the bodily fluids. I was sweating beyond belief. Gingerly, I turned down the shower valve. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe it was a bad idea to do this in the shower.”

“Well, I’m sure your mother can afford the extra money on the water bill.” We both laughed. Cris had a way of making me feel better, even when she didn’t know that the issue existed in the first place.

Yet, something still felt wrong.

…

“You totally did it dude! Don’t lie to me!”

The beach was beautiful that day, and yet clouds were rolling in on the horizon. After doing “it” with Cris, we hung out for a bit before heading off to the beach. She met up with some of her friends and was currently sunbathing, which left me to surf with Etona, who was currently pestering me while having me in a headlock, his stupid face stuck in an equally stupid grin.

“So what if I did?” Finally, I broke under Etona’s pressure. “It’s not any of your business, is it?” My words for more weak rather than offensive, and Etona seemed to take them as a sort of smug admittance.

“You sly dog Basil, man, that’s awesome, I can’t believe you finally did it!” He cheered, raising me on his shoulders and parading me around, much to my terror of falling into the sand.

“Hey hey…be careful don’t drop me!”

“You’re finally mature now Basil!”

If sex constituted maturity I reckoned Etona would’ve died of old age. If anyone was a sly dog it was him. Heaven knows I had heard too much in our shared dorm. I shuddered at the thought.

The clouds were rolling in now. Cris had wandered off and was out surfing now. I smiled as I watched her swim out to ride a particularly big wave that was coming in. The air felt stale, the humidity painful, and the sun was hitting my eyes at a particularly uncomfortable angle. Even the sand underneath my feet rubbed in between my toes at just the right amount to be unpleasant.

I’ve never been a big believer in anything. Growing up I never had faith in Christ, despite being raised in a hyper-religious town. I just couldn’t fathom that someone could love me unconditionally. After all, my own parents hadn’t even been able to do that. Later on in life, I felt increasingly devoted toward anyone who showed me proper affection. It was like they were paying me something, and I needed to pay them something in return. Unfortunately, I never have viewed my own affection as equal value to others, it was rather like the Mexican peso was to the dollar, or the Japanese yen. I always had to do a little more just to justify being an object of affection.

Cris failed to get atop the wave and was swiftly pulled under. For a split second, I marvelled at just how fast it had been. What was it? 2 seconds it had taken her to disappear under the water? 1, perhaps? She created no more of a splash than an Olympic diver. It was a marvellous feat. 1 second passed. 2 seconds. 3 seconds. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. The waves calmed, the sea a flat landscape of reflective beauty. My heart skipped a beat. I took a step forward, then another. Cris? My eyes scanned the horizon, the clouds were covering the sun, cloaking the beach in a darkness that mirrored the depths of my mind. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t…I just couldn’t. Cris? A question with no answer resounded over and over again in my mind. The water felt cold underneath my feet. I kept walking and walking. Inches, Miles, Feet; the measurements were irrelevant.

“What the hell are you doing man!” I felt Etona’s arms grab me, stopping me from moving any further.

When did the water get up to my neck? I thought to myself.

“Cris…Cris went…” My words refused to cooperate with me. What had I ever done to them? “She went under…I don’t know…w-where she is.”

“Basil, man, you gotta get away from the water!” Etona overpowered me 100 to 1. It was no issue for him to drag me back to shore.

God had to exist. What other explanation for this was there? God existed, and he hated Basil Flora. He hated me with a burning passion. I never saw Cris again. That was it. Anti-climatic death. Her body washed up to shore later that day. I can remember it vividly. The lifelessness in her eyes: Her body limp and sprawled out on the sand. She must have been pulled in by the riptide. Seeing the eyes of the girl who loved me, who loved me even though I deserved none of it, utterly void, I couldn’t help but vomit onto the sand below, collapsing as I began to sob. I screamed, I yelled, I was inconsolable even by Etona.

In the end, I had a cigarette to console myself. After I had been doing so well kicking the habit too. As usual, I was a disappointment. What would Cris think?

I didn’t go to her funeral. I couldn’t bear that. I stayed locked up at my house or in my dorm all summer. If my mother knew of Cris’ death she never made mention of it. After all, she never did get to meet her. Nor did Polly, or Father. Neither of them found out about Cris’ death for a week or two. Polly must’ve been checking Hawaiian news or something but I got an attempt at a consolation from both her and my father over a phone call. Mari tried her best too. I didn’t care. I didn’t care anymore. I was a shattered porcelain doll, my shards continuously beat into smaller and smaller pieces.

…

Until it was time to go off to college, I was a husk of a person. There was no development or socializing, and over time I lost my friendship with Etona as we drifted into acquaintances. I never could bring myself to commit suicide though. I wanted to. I wanted to more than I could vocalize. But I could never do it. It was terrifying. Despite everything, I was still terrified to die. I wasn’t too ambitious but enrolled in a decent college, Aegrus College, back in America, closer to Polly and Father but still far enough away that I’d have privacy. It wasn’t until I was packing to move from my mother’s house to my dormitory (something that was exceptionally hard due to me having to fly my stuff out, not that we couldn’t afford that) that I heard some distasteful news from Mari

Sunny Suzuki was going to be attending Aegrus College.

Chapter Text

Hey Nate Lawliet gang, guess who's back.

Now, I don't write fanfic really anymore

But this story is good, even for current me standards, so I do plan on finishing it. Hell, I've even started on the next chapter already.

So, yeah, that's happening

This will start the third and final arc, known as the "College arc" or the "Sunny arc"

There has been a lot of set up toward things that will happen soon, and Basil's sort of deteriorating mental state will come to a head.

Will he be able to find happiness this time?

Who knows

Alright, see you all.

Chapter Text

I placed the last box in the living room of my new dorm, wiping beads of sweat from my brow as I did so and taking a deep breath. It took a couple of days, but I was finally all moved in. This was the first time I’d be living alone, as my parents had spent the extra money to purchase a single-person dorm, something I had requested. I didn’t need a roommate. Furthermore, I felt so disgusted by any form of companionship that all I wanted to do was wallow away in my own pain.

I ended up applying for a course in nursing, hoping to become a caregiver. Briefly considered were botany and photography, but Mother had deemed them useless majors and waved off my attempts to apply to them, and so, nursing was the option I was left with, not that I felt anything akin to passion for it. Going to college, however, did hold a fair share of new responsibilities. During the first week, I found it hard to muster up the strength to make myself presentable before lectures, and if the lectures happened to be early in the morning, I was certain I ended up looking like a mess. Thankfully, I came from a rich family, which meant I had all the money I needed for groceries each week, and of course, leftover cash that I would use to buy cigarettes. The cigarettes I used to drown out my head, flooding my thoughts with smoke instead of useless gibberish.

It was Thursday, around the end of my first week of College, when a knocking at the door jolted me from rotting away on my bed. It took a lot of power, but I managed to pry myself from my “bed”, which was, in reality, a mattress sitting in the corner of my room.

The room itself was one of four that my dorm had, that being the bedroom, a living room, a bathroom, and a kitchen/dining room. It was cramped, but I found it homely. It was mine, at the end of the day. The bedroom contained a mattress, a window with blinds covering it at all times, a desk with a laptop that I brought to lectures, and a bookshelf where I mostly kept textbooks. The floors and walls were free of grime and dirt. I despised uncleanliness

Making my way to the front door, which was by the living room, I opened it to the sight of a preppy-looking girl. She had brown hair with a red streak running through it, green eyes with a sparkle of plastic joy, and a smile that tried its best, to no avail, to force itself upon me. The clothes she wore suggested the sort of girl who dated the quarterback of the football team, and that was to say they were of high quality and accentuated her body in a way that wouldn’t be considered too risque by social norms. She was also a tad bit taller than I was. When had I grown to notice such absurd things? What did they matter? I guess that showed how much I was willing to meander in my thoughts to prevent focusing on the past.

“Hey, yeah, so we’re having a party on Friday.” She began, already making me want to slam the door in her face. “All the freshmen are expected to attend! It’s to build school spirit and is being hosted by the third and fourth years!”

Well, that explained who she was, though also made my mouth upturn in an uneasy smile. How could I approach this and get out of having to go?

“W-Well, I sort of have a thing-”

“Oh no you don’t! I know that you’re completely free. I can see it in your eyes that you’re just trying to get out of coming.” She had, unfortunately, read me very well. Smiling, she continued, “Well, if I don’t see you there tomorrow I will personally drag you out to the party myself! It’s for the freshmen to have a good time. Enjoy yourself. Also, pass me your phone so I can input my number, that way I can text you the details of the location so you don’t forget.”

Begrudgingly, I fished in my pocket for my phone, unlocked it, and handed it to the woman, if only to get her to leave faster. In retrospect, it was probably stupid to hand my phone to a near complete stranger, but she didn’t seem the type to be a thief. Also, I could just buy a new one.

“Here you are!” She beamed as she passed the phone back to me, having added herself as a contact labelled “Maddy”. I suppose that answered the question of what her name was. “The event will have drinks provided, so don’t worry about that much. When I’m finished visiting all the other freshman dorms, I’ll make sure to text you all the details like location and whatnot.”

“Y-Yeah, can’t wait.” I meekly replied, slinking back into the dark confines of my dorm.

“See you there!”

And like that, the door was closed and I was back to being alone again. What an annoying encounter, and now I was expected to attend some party, all because I choked up and couldn’t refuse the request beyond a weak excuse. I was so fucking pathetic, but of course, I’d now attend. I had absolutely no want or need for her to come knocking on my door again, and heaven knows she was definitely the type of person who would kick up some grand fuss if I were to simply ignore her and stay home. Ahhh! To try and alleviate some stress, I made my way to the bathroom to take a shower.

My reflection from the bathroom mirror was the first thing that popped out at me. I no longer had even a hint of blonde in my hair. Idly, I wondered if I should start dying it again, but in reality, I knew that’d be far too much effort. There were dark bags that weighed down my eyes, and my skin had grown a bit more pale already, as it had actually gotten quite the tan during my stay in Hawaii. Stripping down to only my skin, I started up the shower. The water was first cold, causing me to recoil as I shivered and waited for it to heat up. When it did, I was able to relax, and then, it kept heating up, and eventually, it felt practically scalding on my skin. It was familiar, and my mind jumped back to my first time with Cris…her body…her form…her lifeless corpse washing up on the beach. I wanted to touch her again, to have her, to be one with her again. My thoughts spiralled, and before I knew it, I was pleasuring myself to memories of what we had done together. I was crying too, crouching at the bottom of the shower, bawling my eyes out as I touched myself, my tears drowned out by the water coming from the showerhead. My thoughts swerved around, from Cris to Sabi, and from there to that Maddy girl, even though the very thought of her made me want to slam a door in her face. I needed intimacy, needed to be held, to be reassured that I had some sort of worth. I wanted it so bad! And eventually, as I reached climax, my mind thought of Sunny Suzuki. Promptly, I threw up the meagre contents of my stomach onto the shower floor as well, mixing with the rest of the liquids and running down the drain.

I wanted to die.

Yet, I was too cowardly to act on that desire

And so, I wasted my day sleeping.

…

The next day I lucked out, as I had no lectures to attend on Fridays. That meant I had all day to pace around anticipating the party with nervous disgust. I had that habit, of being condemned to sit around and do nothing all day if I knew I had something planned later. The hours until the party slipped through my fingertips faster than I knew.

I had been informed by text message that it began at 9, ending promptly at around 3 am, though I had no intention of staying that long. I was only there for as long as I needed to until I could reasonably sneak away under the guise of being “tired”. The party itself was being held at some frat house near the school, which sounded appalling to me. It wasn’t my scene, that was for sure, nothing good had ever happened at a party.

Finally, the time arrived, and I freshened myself up, putting on a nice green pullover sweater, and some beige pants. Then, from a shelf located in my bathroom mirror, I picked out a nice yellow sunflower pin. Flower pins, though I rarely wore them, brought me slight comfort, so I decided I’d lean on that for this outing.

Barely managing to get to the door my phone interrupted me with an incessant ringing, and I, a bit annoyed, checked who just was calling me. Of course, it was that girl again. Maddy. She was quickly becoming life’s biggest nuisance and I had only known her for a day. Couldn’t she just leave me alone? Knowing she’d hunt me down if I didn’t I answered the phone.

“Basil! Where are you!?” Her voice was loud over the receiver.

“I’m, well, I’m just about to leave my dorm and head over there.”

“Hold on! We’ll be right over! We’ll take you!” she exclaimed, her words slurring out of her mouth. She had clearly been pre-drinking.

“Can I refuse?”

“Nope!”

I sighed, “Yeah, alright, are you just gonna come grab me by my dorm then?”

“Yep! Just head outside to the front entrance and we’ll swing around there!” The phone made a noise as Maddy hung up. With a sigh, I left my dorm.

Making my way downstairs I was conscious of the fact that my whole body was convulsing: shaking in fear. Another little quirk of mine, suddenly the circumstances had been turned on their head, and now I was entering unfamiliar territory, which always led to a physical breakdown of sorts. It was all I could do as I rode an elevator down to the main floor of the dorm block to rest on a wall to keep on my feet. I was so tired. I just wanted to go home. To sleep. This was terrible.

When I reached the main entrance I could see them waiting for me. It was a group of girls including Maddy, all wearing complimentary outfits, riding in what seemed to be a pink sports car, a newer model too, and one without a roof to boot. Maddy gestured for me to get in, and I, awkwardly, squeezed myself in between two of the women in the back seats, the two giggling as I did so. They fawned over me like I was a child as we drove to the frat house, the only one quiet being some black-haired girl driving, assumedly the only one sober. Maddy sat next to her, chatting her ear off about some guy or the other. The girl to my right was blonde, but not naturally so. I had a knack for spotting that sort of thing considering I dyed my hair for so long. The hair was long, pulled back in a ponytail, and she, like the rest of the girls was wearing an outfit that showed off a bit and was a similar shade of pink. The one to my left had brown hair with some red highlights and was a bit left chatty but every so often would allow her hand to rest on my shoulder, or caress my cheek. It was like having a cigarette put out on my skin, yet I didn’t say a word against it.

So there I was, sitting among girl I had no business hanging with, listening to their senseless drunken talk as we rode toward a frat house I had no business going into. Why was I the only one that could see that? Did they not know? Could they not see that Basil Flora, a pathetic mess of a man, was unfit for such circumstances? That he could only serve to bring down this atmosphere? I needed to calm my mind.

“Hey, is that alcohol?” I asked, motioning to the drink the blonde girl next to me had.

“Yeah! Wanna try some?” She asked in return, a grin plastered on her face.

“I’d love some!” I replied, trying to return her energy in the hopes of appearing more endearing. Sure, it was a bit manipulative, but I needed something.

The drink was handed to me, and I marvelled at just how colourful it seemed compared to the usual disgusting colour of beer that Etona had or the deceptively clear colour that was the Vodka Sunny drank. As I took a sip I was also shocked to find it was pleasantly sweet. I lapped up a bit more before handing it back to the girl. It wasn’t a cigarette, but it was something. Handing it back to the girl, I took a deep breath and tried to relax a bit. Maybe this party wouldn’t be so bad? Though the thought was more of a hope than a statement.

Maddy led me inside, the shitty pop music playing through the house hitting me like a truck, then was immediately whisked away to meet more acquaintances of hers. The party itself was fairly crowded, but due to the large number of freshmen, a lot of the people were just awkwardly zigzagging their way around, trying to find a group to which they could belong. I didn’t intend to play that stupid game. I knew that I belonged in a corner, alone with myself. Though, before I would make my way toward one I decided to move through the crowd and to what seemed to be some sort of kitchen area. The frat house really was just one big house, the party contained a living room, kitchen, and basement area. Every so often, someone would head upstairs, usually a man with a woman, so that was most likely where the bedrooms were.

There were jugs on the kitchen counter and red solo cups to their right. I grabbed a cup, placed it underneath a tap, and watched in disappointment as the piss water that was beer flowed out from it. Better than nothing, I told myself yet again. Taking a sip, I held myself in from vomiting. Beer was truly disgusting. Whatever.

Next, I wandered through the party, treating the whole ordeal as a zoo experience. All sorts of people were at this party, from people who were obviously leaving the country for the very first time to other people who would make said country folk faint upon viewing. I must have done this for a while. I did, occasionally, receive weird looks, mostly directed toward my sunflower hair clip, though I suppose I should’ve expected that. It was a little disheartening, admittedly. Yet, that feeling would only grow more intense as a voice beckoned toward me.

“Basil? Is that you?” His voice was, aside from a light hint of amusement, monochromatic in its emotion. Naturally, when I turned around, I was staring at Sunny Suzuki.

He was there, leaning against the wall, wearing a black sweater and equally dark pants, a bottle of vodka in his hand, and a couple of his friends, whom I remembered as his bandmates, were crowding around him. The one to his left was taller than him, with a buzz cut and brown hair, and was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, whereas the one to the right had longer, ginger hair, and was wearing a jean jacket with a similar pair of jeans as the other guy. If I was remembering correctly they were Collin and Matt respectively. Based on their odd stares, I assumed they didn’t recognize me. I was a bit different looking, what with the bit of a tan and the fully black hair.

“You know this guy?” Collin asked, leaning toward Sunny, lowering his voice to a degree where I could still hear him, “He looks a bit like a faggot.”

This managed to rouse a laugh from the trio, although not before I noticed a twitch from Sunny’s eyes that seemed to suggest annoyance. Ignoring Collin, Sunny continued to address me.

“It's been a while, I see you’re wearing a sunflower hair clip.” A churlish grin found its way onto Sunny’s face. “I’m flattered, I really am.”

My cheeks went flush, and in an instant, the visage of comfort that was given to me by the pin shattered, the pieces embedding themselves into my skin. It was funny how things could become so tainted so easily, especially when touched by the cold hands and words of Sunny Suzuki.

“Very funny,” came my eventual reply, “how have you been?” My words were a mock courtesy.

“Good enough,” he responded, a palpable mental distance between us.

“Oh!” Collin exclaimed, having just checked his phone. “My brother’s here! Come on, let's go meet him up front.”

“I’ll pass on that,” Sunny replied, “I think I’ll stay here and catch up with Basil.”

“Suit yourself, man,” and with that, it was just me and Sunny.

“Are you just gonna stand over there and look at me strangely?” Sunny asked, taking a swig from his bottle of vodka. “You can lean on the wall next to me, I don’t mind that.”

With a sigh and a sip of beer for confidence, I snaked my way to Sunny Suzuki’s side. The man watching me with curious eyes. His cadence had been slipping from stoic to aloof in the moments succeeding the other’s departure. It seemed the alcohol he was drinking was starting to take more of an effect. However, I was finishing what was my second beer of the night, and my tolerance wasn’t all too high, so I doubted it’d be long before I succumbed to that feeling as well.

“I’m majoring in music!” Sunny told me, a bit ecstatic. It was the first hint of genuine and pure emotion I’d heard from him in a while. He had even lost the ironic and sarcastic douchebag tone of voice he always used. “It’s been interesting so far. What are you taking?”

“Nursing,” I replied, keeping some reservation to my voice.

“Nursing?!” He laughed. “I didn’t peg you the nursing type. What about botany? Or Photography? Nursing I would’ve never guessed.”

He seemed altogether a little thrown off by the fact I had done something that didn’t fit his view of me.

“Well yeah, you know, I was a bit inspired by Polly in that regard.’ I continued. “I want to be a caregiver.”

“To like, old people? And shit?” Sunny took another swig, his personality was slipping further into that erratic man he occasionally became. “Wow! I frankly think I’d hate that job! People suck, and old people…well they’re all judgemental bastards.”

“Thanks, I’m glad you think that.” I sighed, realizing I had almost run out of beer while we had been talking. “I’m gonna go refill this.”

“No worries, I’ll come with you,” Sunny told me, as if it was something I should be grateful for.

Why was I so eager to talk to him again? Hell, why was I actually enjoying talking to my old friend again? It had been so long since I’d been able to actually talk to one of them. I missed seeing them, all of them, and maybe talking to Sunny, as disgusting as he was, was simply my mind's way to fill that void they had left when I had moved to Hawaii. Or maybe…maybe it was something else entirely.

While I was filling up my cup, Sunny was approached by some girl, one of the ones that had driven here with me no doubt. I took my eyes off the duo for but a moment only to glance back and find them making out. Sunny really was an attractive guy, at least, to the girls he must be. He was finished as fast as he started, and after shooting the girl a wink and promising to find her later (which was punctuated with a tone that was most certainly an innuendo) Sunny returned to me. He grabbed my arm, his grip a bit shaky, and as he looked at me, I saw nothing short of blatant disgust on his face

His voice dropped to a whisper. “Basil, let's go somewhere else.” He was practically chugging down the vodka as he said this, desperation in his tone.

“Okay, Sunny.”

We walked, alone, until we found someplace in the basement, amid the crowd, that was secluded enough that we could relax. I wanted to ask what had gotten into him, but I kept quiet, watching as he drank from his bottle like it was water, and trying to best to down my drink as well. My thoughts were quickly becoming foggy, the drinks having their effect on me, as I watched Sunny stutter and stumble.

“Basil…” His words came out strained, and he reached over to place a hand on my shoulder for just a moment before pulling away. “Do you want a cigarette?” He asked, his words a drunken slur, pulling a pack from his pocket.

“When did you start smoking?” I asked, taking the pack from him as he fished a lighter from his other pocket.

“I don’t” He chuckled. “It’s just easier to pick up chicks who do when you have some handy. A b-buddy taught me that one. I actually noticed you smelled a bit of cigarette smoke w-when I saw you in Hawaii…figured you smoked, didn’t think your mother….or girlfriend did.”

I ignored the implications of what he was saying, and how he had remembered such a detail or thought that hard about it, and took a smoke. He watched me as I did it, a strange fascination in his eyes. When I finished I dropped the cigarette on the floor and snuffed it out. Usually, I’d care more about throwing trash on the floor like that but my thoughts were clouded with booze and smoke, and I couldn’t quite think straight about anything.

The crowd behind us shifted, some drunk idiot knocking against Sunny, pushing him toward me, our bodies pressed up against one another before Sunny managed to shove himself, and the drunk guy, off, panting a bit and taking another swig. He looked around nervously, waiting for the drunk to be carted off by his friends before turning back to me. He seemed to have made a decision.

“Let's go to the bathroom.”

“I don’t need to.”

“Come on, let's go.”

I followed his order, and we made our way into the small restroom that was present in the basement. Sunny made sure to wait until no one was watching, and then we slipped into the small white room. It was surprisingly clean and shone as if it had just been clean. Perhaps, though, that was just my drunken judgment.

“I was so happy…” Sunny started. “When she…”

“Please, don’t.” I pleaded, my voice quiet. I knew who he was about to mention.

“When Cris died. I was happy.” He laughed. “It was for the best, after all, how could she understand you? How could she deserve you?”

“I don’t understand.” I couldn’t make sense of his words, and his mention of Cris had brought me down to the lowest of points. I was sinking: drowning really.

“Basil, you’re gonna do me just one favour, one favour is all.” It all happened so fast.

I was so drunk, so foggy, so done with this whole party that when Sunny suggested something disgusting, something lustful and primal, I didn’t say anything against it. It would be faster to just comply, anyway. So, when Sunny asked me to suck him off in the bathroom of a shitty frat house, I got to my knees and tried my best to help him with his favour. My drunken mind spun. Sunny was good-looking, but he was a boy, and I was too. I didn’t understand. Did Sunny really…had my mother been right? Was Sunny in love with me? He watched me as I did it, my actions completely amateur. He touched me, commanding me with his little pushes and pulls. It hurt. I hated how his skin felt on mine. It felt like I was watching myself, watching Basil Flora as he committed a sinful deed. It was pathetic, watching that small boy service Sunny Suzuki, whom he despised. Just what was he doing? At some point, I became conscious of my knees hurting, and my mouth tiring, though Sunny Suzuki didn’t care about either of those things, he just needed release. That was right. Sunny Suzuki couldn’t love me. Sunny Suzuki couldn’t love anyone. He just wanted me because I would do this for him because I was too pathetic to say no to something like that. That had to be it.

I liked being useful.

I wanted to throw up.

Why was this something I couldn’t raise a hand against? Was I really such a pervert? A slut?

When had I started tearing up?

Could he see?

Did he care?

Did I care?

He finished after what felt like an eternity. I washed my mouth out in the sink. Nothing was fine about this, yet I couldn’t tell what was wrong either. Sunny Suzuki wouldn’t face me. Sunny Suzuki was shaking. Sunny Suzuki spoke to me, his words low, smug, commanding, terrifying.

“If you tell anyone we did this, I’ll kill you, Basil.” Sunny started to slip out of the door, before stopping, turning his head back to me for a split second. “And I liked your hair better blonde.”

And just like that, he was gone.

He left me, like a used, broken, and dirty toy, alone in the bathroom.

I guess he didn’t love me after all.

Who would?

I didn’t deserve anything more than this, after all.

Chapter Text

I couldn’t tell if it was the hangover, or if my body was having a visceral reaction to the events that had happened the day before, but I found myself overcome with intense sickness the next morning. To my delight, it was the weekend, which meant that, even though I had woken up at 10 am, I could still sleep a bit more. Yet, before I could fall back asleep, my phone made a noise emblematic of me receiving some sort of text message. I didn’t want to answer it, and yet my mind incessantly pestered my body, preventing me from getting any sort of meaningful sleep as it worried and wondered about the text. With a sigh, I finally sat up from my bed and reached over to my bedside table to grab my phone.

Sunny: Come to my show today.

Sunny: 8 pm

Sunny: In the basement of the community centre

Fucking Sunny Suzuki.

Of course, it was fucking Sunny Suzuki. Who else would be interrupting my sleep but Sunny Suzuki? I screamed as I fell back into my mattress and cried into a pillow. Now I had to - for there was no denying a direct order from someone like Sunny Suzuki, for that seemed like more trouble than it was worse - go to some sort of concert. I was still reeling from last night, and I didn’t exactly want to see Sunny Suzuki, but…going to his concert…well…it couldn’t hurt…I mean…it wasn’t really his fault what happened last night. We were both drunk, and I offered no resistance. So really…it wasn’t his fault.

It wasn’t anybody's fault.

I repeated it in my head like a mantra.

It wasn’t anybody’s fault

I fished around in my room for my smokes, which I had sitting just beside my bed, cracked open a window, and pulled out a lighter. I was standing in the window, leaning out, a cool breeze tickling at my bare skin - I typically tended to sleep only in my underwear - as I watched the cigarette smoke mix with the clouds above, and the morning traffic rushing about below. Smoking was strictly prohibited within the dorms, and I tried to cut down and smoke outside the dorms because of this fact, yet I still couldn’t help but smoke out my window every now and again. After some thinking, I decided what I was going to do today.

Quickly, I got dressed in simple street clothes, brushed my hair, glanced at the sunflower pin that was sticking out of the bathroom trash can, and headed out. I glossed my way through the hallway of the dormitories before making my way outside and heading for Main Street. There was a salon that, on top of giving haircuts, sold dye. It was on that dye, blonde dye specifically, that I was focused. I wanted, and I couldn’t quite place why - though, I in actuality could, yet I didn’t care to think about it - to dye my hair blonde once again.

I couldn’t meet the cashier's gaze. I was back to feeling so tainted, sickly, below other human beings. It was like I was covered in some sort of muck, marked with something dreadful. In any case, I managed to buy the dye without much hassle and made my way back onto the streets. The wind tickled past my ear. The time was going by smoothly. I’d have enough time to dye my hair before Sunny’s show. It would be my new debut. Maybe I’d feel a bit more empowered with my new hair colour.

“Basil! Hey! Basil!”

A voice called out to me from behind, and I turned around if only to stop my name from exiting the mouth of the speaker. It was Maddy, wearing an oversized hoody and tights. She ran up to me, who was standing still and watching her as she approached. What was she doing? Inoculating herself with me?

“What are you doing out?” She asked, before spying the dye kit I was holding in my hands. “Oh, are you dyeing your hair? I could help you with that if you’d like!”

“You don’t have to-”

“Oh come on.” She smiled, and admittedly, I felt a bit inclined to agree with her. “It’ll be easier with some help.”

“I suppose, I’d be fine with that. Do you think we could do it at your place?”

I, normally, wasn’t a fan of going to stranger's homes, but, I figured since my own apartment was bare bones and contained some things I’d rather not have discovered (my cigarettes, being one example), it’d be fine if I infringed on Maddy’s hospitality a bit.

“Yeah! Sure!” She smiled, walking with me as we returned to the dorms. “Don’t expect anything fancy, I haven’t gotten around to buying decorations for my dorm yet.”

“Don’t worry…I can’t judge.”

Not like my dorm was anything more than a few thrown-together appliances and pieces of furniture, and even that description was pushing it. The girl's section of the dormitory was on the opposite end as the boys. I found myself a bit embarrassed to be seen as people watched me and Maddy walk by, whispers and intrigued looks sometimes following us. It was nerve-wracking, and my stomach turned itself in knots every time we passed another human being.

We finally made it to her dorm, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief before I realized something. The dorm was much bigger than my own, which meant this was a dorm belonging to more than one person.

“Is your-” I started, before being interrupted.

“Roommate home?” Maddy finished. “No, and she won’t be for a while. Jeez, you really need to relax dude, you’re so tense.”

It was just then I noticed I had been holding in a breath, so I let it go, slipping off my shoes at the door as Maddy swiped the dye kit from my hand and began to peruse the guide. I tried my best to relax, much to no avail as I watched her from the corner of my eye. She reminded me a bit of Etana. She had the same overbearingly cheery attitude to her that was juxtaposed to my corpse-like demeanour. When she was finished reading, we headed to the bathroom, and I realized how bad of an idea this was.

“Alright, take your shirt off, I’ll go get a chair and we’ll start with washing out your hair.”

She was gone before I could protest, and, taking a deep breath of air for some confidence, I decided that it was too late to turn back. That pit in my stomach took on a life of its own and had seemingly become quite an adept gymnast. I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and began to peel it upward, shivering a bit as the stale apartment air licked my skin. I managed to peel the whole thing from my body just as Maddy came back with a chair.

“Woah, man, you’re so thin!” She said, lightly poking my collarbone, making me flinch as I felt her skin press against my own. ‘Spent all your money on a single dorm and now you’re too broke to afford food?”

“S-Something like that.”

Quickly, in order to break contact with her, I sat myself down in the chair, positioned directly in front of the sink. She watched me with something like fascination and something else like pity, and I shied away from her gaze. She led me through the steps, and I leaned myself over the sink, her hand pushing on my scalp as she washed my hair. My thoughts rushed to my mother. Had she ever washed my hair like this? Had anyone ever washed my hair like this?

Why did the thought that no one had, why did that thought make me wanna cry? Why did being touched make me wanna cry? Why did being touched like this, in a way that was far from intimacy and yet too close for comfort, make me so sad and disgusted at the same time?

Eventually, she began the actual process of applying the dye to my hair, so I closed my eyes and let her work. Every touch of hers caused me to flinch, and my body was naturally stiff, but, she was fairly quiet about that. I was shocked, in fact, I expected her to mention it, but that didn’t come to pass. The brushing motion of the dye through my hair, to hair credit, was almost trancing and methodical enough for me to let myself drift away. When she was finished, she wrapped my head up in plastic to prevent any of the goop dripping onto me and gave me one last look over.

Then, in an instant, something changed. She was on top of me in an instant, sitting on my lap in the chair. Had I missed something? Had some critical bit of information about this situation been withheld from me? Either way, Maddy moved in toward me, her lips about to press again mine before I pushed her, ever-so-slightly, away from my body. We locked eyes for a moment, and I looked away first. Her body was cumbersome, burdening my own. I didn’t want this. Yet, the reasoning behind why I didn’t just let it happen to me, as I did many times before, was not for my own sake. Rather, it was the thought of “what would Sunny Suzuki think?” that enabled me to push her off.

“Are you okay?” Maddy asked, staring down at me confused.

Confused? She was the one confused?

“I just…I didn’t think this would be that sort of thing…” I stammered out, trying to make excuses whilst not upsetting her. “I wasn’t here…not for that sort of thing…so sorry. I’m so sorry.” What was I sorry for?

“Hey, it’s okay, I didn’t mean to upset you or anything.” With a sigh, Maddy picked herself up from my lap and onto the floor, staring up at me. “You’re a total weirdo and a bit of a spaz, you know that? Usually, guys go crazy when I pull that technique. It was supposed to be my way of thanking you, you know?”

I was the weird one? Maybe I was the weird one.

“Thank me for what?”

“For hanging out with me…Jeez, boys can be dense.”

What did my being a guy have to do with anything?

We hung out a bit more, talking as I let the dye in my hair sit. As much as I disliked this woman on the principle of her being too energetic for my liking, I didn’t have the worst of times. I had expected more of a negative attitude directed toward me after I pushed her away, but she seemed aloof about it, if only a little confused. She felt…somewhat comforting to be around.

…

Sunny: Basil

Sunny: Shows in an hour

Sunny: Make sure youre there

Basil: I’ll be there.

Sunny: Naturally.

Sunny: Stay until after

Sunny: We can hang out after

It was 7 pm. The prospects of hanging out with Sunny Suzuki were to me like the prospects of hanging out with a wild lion in its den. That was only to say I wasn’t too fond of Sunny Suzuki. But, just like the prospect and potential for dying interested me, I was also interested enough, if only in that same self-destructive way as I would be interested in sitting next to a lion. Standing next to the front door of my apartment, I was rehearsing how I’d sit and watch Sunny perform, trying to perfect a gaze that suggested disinterest, but not enough to make Sunny particularly upset. Just enough disinterest to make him lose what fascination he, for some unknown reason, had for me.

I opened the door, and I closed it again.

I opened the door and nearly collapsed to the ground.

I opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

It was a fair walk to the community centre, but in 20 minutes, I made it there. It was a bit of an awkward little walk around before I managed to find stairs leading to the basement, but after following someone who looked just alternative enough to be going to a college band concert, I made it down into the basement no problem. There wasn’t any seating, and the stage was opposite the stairs. There were already a surprising amount of people here, a fair few for a college band.

It was about 7:30.

The show wasn’t set to begin for another 30 minutes.

Yet, Sunny was on stage. He was wearing a dark blue unzipped jacket over what was a black t-shirt with black jeans. He had an acoustic guitar with a strap hanging from his shoulder holstering it and was setting up a microphone. He had this deep expression of focus on his face, one that made him almost entrancing to watch. When he finally managed to set up the microphone he tapped it a couple of times before looking into the crowd. We locked eyes, and for a slight second, his face lit up, before resuming its stoic concentration.

“Hello, everybody.” He said, tapping his mic again, adjusting himself to get a better sound from his mic. “I’m going to be playing a song…naturally, and uhh, this song is new, and I’m workshopping it, but this is just our soundcheck so don’t worry, better stuff is to come.”

Sunny started to strum at his guitar, the chords haunting and eerie, singing a droning ballad as he did so.

“I am the key to the lock in your dress
That keeps your toys in the basement
And if you get too far inside
You’ll only see my reflection.”

He continued, the lyrics only getting more haunting as he went on, the band finishing setting up all their instruments behind him as he finished up the song. Some claps could be heard throughout the room. I was not one of them.

“Thank you!” Sunny exclaimed, standing up, walking back behind him and swapping out his acoustic for an electric. “Now! We’re going to try something a little more high-speed.”

The next song played was an intense and spiteful-sounding song that Sunny mentioned was called Myxomatosis. It was in these eclectic and fast-paced songs that Sunny especially excelled. I hated that. I hated that I could see passion on his face. I hated that his focus was especially enticing for some reason. I hated that Sunny looked good on stage. He continued, a couple of more songs until he was playing a song he called Morning Bell.

Before I can describe what I saw within this song, I must describe the band itself. Sunny’s ban, which called itself Limbo (a name that I was certain somebody picked out just because it sounded mysterious) was formed by 5 primary members. Collin Mack, and his older brother Jonathan Mack played bass and guitar respectively, with Jonathan being adept at more complicated guitar solos. Jonathan, from what I knew, was a bit of a newer addition to the band. Next up, there was Scott Walsh, who played drums, and Matt Simons who played guitar, provided keyboard playing when Sunny was on a different instrument and provided the occasional backing vocal. Finally, there was Sunny, the multi-instrumentalist talent who proficiently played acoustic and electric guitar, provided lead vocals, and provided keyboard segments when a song called for it.

The song Morning Bell featured Sunny on the keyboard. The morning bell was frankly, not my favourite, and in fact it was too eclectic for my liking, jumping around a lot. Yet, there was one segment, with such simple lyrics as “cut the kids in half” repeated three times. These three lyrics, Sunny put so much emphasis on them, his voice raising as he sang in such a beautiful tone. In singing, Sunny expressed genuine emotion, something that his speech usually lacked.

The show eventually wrapped up with a rather sombre song titled “Motion Picture Soundtrack”, which was a beautiful ballad once again featuring Sunny on the piano. With the show finished, that meant it was time for me and Sunny Suzuki to meet once again.

Chapter Text

“Huh, you actually stayed.”

The crowd had mostly cleared out, leaving the band who was packing up on stage, and myself who was leaning against the back wall. Sunny had packed up his two guitars, hopped off the stage, and quickly made his way toward me. It was only when he made the surprised remark that I realized that I had actually had the choice of leaving in the first place.

“Yeah, I-I guess I did.”

Looking at Sunny now an odd mixture of emotions flashed through my mind. I remembered that time, in the bathroom, how pathetic I had felt. How pathetic he had made me feel. Yet, it wasn’t like I entirely blamed him for that. Heaven knows I didn’t do anything to stop him, and he…well…he had probably been far too drunk to really process what was going on fully. Yet, when I looked at Sunny, I was also curious. His interest in me was so paradoxically toeing the line between malicious and innocent that it was enough to prompt me to follow his every word.

“How’d you like the show?” Sunny asked, standing still, watching me, his eyes a bit hazy.

“It was…fine.”

“Fine?”

“Okay, I liked it.”

“Hmm.” Sunny almost broke out into a smile. “Is that so?”

“It pains me to admit it…but you’re skilled.” I sighed. “You’re more-”

“Truthful?” Sunny questioned.

He had remembered? How long ago had it been since I had criticized Sunny Suzuki’s performance? We had both been kids, teens really. He really still remembered. Was he really still hung up over that? Over my little remark about how his words seemed contrived? Frankly, I didn’t even really blame him for wanting to go at me after that. It wasn’t exactly the most couth thing to say, especially since we were supposed to be friends.

“How long ago was that?” I questioned, a slight hint of laughter in my voice.

“Around two years, I think,” responded Sunny, his voice as stoic as ever. “Anyway, I figured we could go to the lake that’s just outside the city. It’s supposed to be nice.”

“What’s…that catch?”

“No catch.”

“No catch?”

“Can I not just want to see the lake at night? Anyway, we’ll take my car.”

“You have a car?”

“Yeah, I have a car.”

Sunny Suzuki drove a crappy beat-up black car, that was sitting in the parking lot of the community centre. Whereas the outside bore its fair share of dents and scratches, the inside was surprisingly clean. It was pristine and devoid of almost anything, with the exception of a backpack in the back seat that sparked a bit of curiosity. In any case, Sunny ushered me into the passenger seat, which I cautiously allowed him to coax me into, before throwing his guitars in the back and hopping in the driver’s seat.

“What’s the backpack for?” I asked, plainly.

“Oh…” Sunny looked back, staring at it for a second before he responded. “I keep a variety of things there, like notebooks in which I write down my song ideas, as well as some guitar pedals and accessories I sometimes use at shows depending on what we’re playing. I also have vodka and condoms.”

The way he said “vodka and condoms” almost made it seem perfectly normal. He said it in the same cadence one would offhandedly mention having gone for a morning run or perhaps mention news of spying roadkill on their way to work. There wasn’t any sort of insinuation either. He wasn’t, and this was notable, making a sly comment that could signal to me some sort of sexual interest. He was only mentioning this in passing because I had asked the question. He considered it perfectly normal, even to the point of mundanity or passive annoyance. This is only of note because it was him, Sunny Suzuki.

Regardless, Sunny put the keys in the ignition and started up the car, backing out of the parking space and getting us onto the road. The radio was set on silent. The only sound present was the grind of the tires against concrete. Sunny was, sober at least, not the best conversationalist. The city at night presented me with spectacular glowing views. I had always lived around cities, and even in Hawaii, or back home with Father and Polly, I didn’t typically visit the city late into the day. Businesses were aglow as customers wafted in and out. The bars received a vast plethora of gentlemen and ladies alike who were there to enjoy the night scene. It was, surprisingly enough, Sunny who broke the silence.

“I never liked the radio.” He said, his words a typical monotone. “I always felt that the music typically played is all gibberish. It’s moreso noise that grates at the back of my mind than real music.”

“I like it. It lets me drift out, not think.” I replied. “I don’t mind it. In fact, it being noise, nothing of note, frankly is what appeals to me about radio music. It’s all nonsense and gibberish, stuff that I can just…consume.”

“At least we can both agree on one thing. Radio music is just noise.” Sunny made a sharp turn, and I realized we had left the city a little while ago.

I had found myself agreeing with Sunny Suzuki. Perhaps hell had frozen over.

The lake, as we drove next to it, sparkled as the pale moon shone above it. There was a slight breeze sending ripples through the water, the reflection of the stars distorting and twisting in the liquid. We made our way to a parking lot that was overlooking the beach and a dock. Sunny’s park job was sloppy and took up two spots. Not that it mattered, as there wasn’t really anybody here. He turned the car off and leaned in his seat for a minute before turning his attention toward the back.

Desperation presented itself in many forms. A man dying of thirst hallucinating an oasis. A starving man throwing himself at scraps in the trash. Etc, etc. In any case, Sunny Suzuki was an odd one. Desperation presented itself within Sunny Suzuki, but not in its typical form. He didn’t lunge for what he desired. He didn’t demean himself to that level. No, Sunny Suzuki had a level of subdued desperation present as he casually reached back to grab his bag. He reached within, fishing around for a bit before pulling out a bottle of vodka, and taking a sharp swig. It was like watching a man about to drown suck in air for the first time. It was then that a thought presented itself to me.

“Oh, I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“Neither do I.”

We both exchanged questioning glances.

“Then why did you bring us here?”

“We can swim in our underwear, no one’s around.”

Sunny Suzuki was incredulous. Not that I would raise a hand to deny him of this. Not that I felt capable of denying him of this.

“Have a sip of this and you won’t feel so damn anxious about everything.” Sunny shoved his bottle of vodka into my hands.

“I don’t-” The bottle felt cold in my hands. I had to wonder if he had ice packs in his backpack. The idea was sort of funny. “Fine, fine, I’ll have some.”

Liquid poison. I hated vodka. It tasted like liquid poison. I allowed the liquid to fill up my mouth, and I swallowed it down with a grimace on my face and my eyes clenched shut. When I opened them I saw Sunny Suzuki eying me, holding in a laugh.

“What?” I said, a bit embarrassed at being observed so blatantly.

“You look stupid.”

I slammed the bottle of vodka back into his arms. “This stuff tastes terrible. Why do you always have a bottle of this putrid liquid with you?”

“Cheap, effective,” Sunny took another swig. “You’re just a wuss.” There was confliction stricken across his face as he looked at me.

Taking yet another swig, Sunny got out of the vehicle and I followed suit. Sunny started to strip off his shirt, and I averted my eyes, glancing around to make sure there was truly nobody watching before I began to strip as well, putting my clothes into the car so they wouldn’t blow away or get dirty, Sunny doing the same. The cold breeze hadn’t died down yet, and, being practically nude, led to me shivering quite a lot.

We walked together in silence to the beachfront. It wasn’t anything compared to the coastal beaches of Hawaii, being rather shabby and small in comparison. I sat on the beachfront and reached out my feet until my toes touched the water. The slight ripples of the waves served to calm me down, even though the degree of my skin that was on display provided me with intense discomfort. Sunny, laying his bottle of vodka down on the sand, knelt down to pick up a rock. Methodically, and with the same stagnant mute gaze he would gaze at most things with, he began to examine the rock from every angle. He then stood up from the sand and held the rock up to the moon, stretching himself out before throwing it with all his might into the lake, It skipped a meagre two times before crashing down and sinking out from view.

“If you’re cold you can take another drink,” Sunny stated plainly, crashing back down into the sand. “It helps to warm you up.”

He was right, I took another swig and it almost felt as if a fire had ignited in my stomach, the warmth spreading out to my extremities and cheeks. The funny feeling of alcohol was so much quicker when vodka was concerned than when I drank beer. Was that why Sunny liked it so much? My thoughts rambled, and I turned myself to be staring at Sunny who was staring at the sky. We were like that on the beach for a while, a silent tension between us that was on the verge of breaking like water about to break surface tension.

“Basil, let's go down the dock and take a swim.”

“Alright.”

We strolled down the dock with a certain drunken awkwardness. We weren’t fully wasted or anything, though I was starting to go in that direction, but you could tell in the way that we walked together. Occasionally, Sunny would be ahead of me by two paces, or I’d drift ever so slightly to the right, or he’d veer to the left. We couldn’t, as it were, maintain a sense of closeness for more than a few seconds at a time. Eventually, we came to the end of the dock, the moon being reflected in the water directly below us and making the illusion that we would be swimming on it. My nerves flared up, and I turned toward Sunny.

“I want another drink.”

“Be my guest,” He said, throwing me the bottle.

It was already half empty. Jeez. I took a drink and sat it down, staring into the water below.

“That party…” I began, alcoholic confidence brimming in my voice. “Why’d that happen?”

“Ahh, yeah…” Sunny seemed shaken; as if the entire thing had been something he barely remembered. “I barely remember myself…I just…well…you know…You look like a girl…so”

“That’s why you did that?!” I asked, practically scoffing as I said it. “For such a stupid reason?”

“Look…I didn’t-”

“Why did you bring me here!” Alcohol was bringing out a certain bold anger. “Why’d you invite me to your stupid concert!” Alcohol was also bringing out my own personal brand of desperation. “Why’d you make me dye my hair!” Each statement was exclaimed with a punch as I weakly hit Sunny’s chest, not having the mental state to really put any force into my blows, only achieving as much as to disorient him and have him take a couple of steps back. Yet, those steps did amount to more than simple steps.

One step too far, and Sunny Suzuki was falling down into the water. He flailed, his hand insidious happening upon my arm and suddenly I was tumbling down with him. The water overtook my body, and the alcoholic numbness clashed with that overwhelming feeling of breaking water that felt not at all different from being impaled by a thousand tiny icicles that would soon melt. That was all to say that it was unpleasant, and it didn’t help that I was practically pushed into the body of Sunny Suzuki, leading to us being rather smushed together as what slight current there was started trying to take us away from the dock. The worst of it was that the force and unexpectedness of being flung into the water had led to a great deal of it being forced up my nose, leading to that unpleasant feeling of fullness. I wasn’t too worried. I knew how to swim. I was quite good at it. But…something was wrong.

My mind flashed to Cris.

Suddenly I felt breathless. I couldn’t move.

I could see her lifeless corpse on the shore.

Water was filling up my lungs.

I could see her empty eyes.

A hand grabbed me, pulling me upward.

She was so still.

I could breathe again, and I promptly shoved away my saviour, Sunny Suzuki.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I yelled, lashing out.

“You’re the one who pushed me, idiot,” came Sunny’s callous reply. “It’s your own fault.”

“Why’d you do those things? All that stuff! Everything!” I was treading water steadily now. “If that was just because I look a bit like a girl then why the hell go through all this bother!?”

“I! Don’t! Know!” Sunny said, punctuated every word with exasperation. “Look, I don’t understand it either Basil! I don’t want to understand it! I brought you out here on a complete and utter stupid whim! Maybe I wanted to apologize? Ever considered that? I know what I did was disgusting…I mean…we’re both…”

I had never seen Sunny Suzuki like this. He carried himself like a desperate child in this moment, clearly completely confused by even the words that left his mouth. Apologize? I didn’t know Sunny Suzuki was capable of feeling guilt.

“We’re both what?”

“Boys.”

Sunny Suzuki was at war with himself.

“So what?”

“So what?! You don’t get it do you.” Sunny laughed. “That’s why I’ve hated you for so long Basil, because you just were so carefree about it all. You’d float from relationship to relationship like some sort of leaf on the wind. It wasn’t ever calculated, it was all natural for you and I hated that. I tried again and again, pointless relationship after pointless relationship only to find I hated it. I hated it. I hated it so much I wanted to die. To just have it all stop. I hate women! I detest them! They’re disgusting! I envy you. Why can’t I just be normal like that? Why can’t I just like them, be happy with them, be acceptable? What would happen if people knew about this huh? That Sunny Suzuki, lead singer of Limbo got head from some twink in the bathroom of a stupid party? Ahhhh! It just can’t get out. Yet, I’m unhappy like this. My life is ruined whether I do or whether I don’t. It’s a sinful urge I know, but I so want to just indulge it…” He stopped for a moment. “I…want to indulge in you.”

Me? It was all me? All along? His transfixion on me. The envy. Was it desire all along? Was all of that, everything that he had done, was it all out of some twisted sense of desire?

“I’ve never thought about stuff like that, you’re right. To me, love is simply something given to me and reciprocated by me.” I looked up at the sky. “Do you really want me that much?”

We moved close to one another, Sunny leaned in toward me, and in a moment of drunken passion, he kissed me. I had never been kissed by a boy before. In fact, I hadn’t even really considered it. But, it didn’t feel wrong to me. It felt moreso wrong that the boy was Sunny of all people, but even that melted away in the clouded thoughts of alcohol. Maybe, Sunny’s sick and twisted love, was what I truly deserved. Maybe this way, I could finally feel worthy of being loved. But, I knew better than that. This wouldn’t persist. Sunny Suzuki was not the kind of person who could be with me. He had made that much clear in his desperate rant about his status. Being with me was a hazard to him. Yet, he still wanted me.

When we broke away from the kiss, I didn’t know how to feel. I doubted that if it weren’t for the alcohol I ever would have done something like that, but, I was feeling low enough to entertain it. It was flattering to be wanted, after all. Flattering to know that someone as pathetic as me could be wanted still. Did he not know that I was a shell? Sunny Suzuki was extremely attractive and had shown that he could get pretty much any girl he pleased, yet, he still picked me. Now, I had to admit, that part of the whole idea was a bit of an ego boost, if only because I was drunk.

“B-Basil…” Sunny couldn’t look me in the eye. Confliction was now ever-present on his face.

“Yes?”

“Let's go home, now.”

I liked that idea, and I would’ve almost let Sunny drive me home in the state he was in if he had only managed to get in the car without taking 5 minutes to pull open the car door handle. We really hadn’t thought much of this night through. With no other options, I decided to call Maddy.