Archive of Our Own ^beta

The night did nothing to ease the burning heat of the desert. The wind was warm and strong. The Torino rocked slightly from side to side as it sped down the dark, open road. They hadn’t seen another car in a few hours and were unlikely to for the duration of their trip. The police station they were headed to was square in the middle of nowhere. Starsky didn’t exactly mind the drive or the assignment, even if it was grunt work. It was the silence he minded. The radio had turned to static a while ago while Patsy Cline sang to them about sweet dreams. He’d tried all the stations but there weren’t a lot of options this far out. Either static or evangelicals and neither was an appealing choice so he shut it off. All he could hear was the hum of the engine and the whistling of the wind.

The sights around them, such as they were, were bathed in moonlight and nothing else. There were no streetlights this far out. There was no anything this far out. All desert rocks and sand. The last sign of civilization he’d seen had been 40 miles back. A little diner promising hot burgers and cold coca-cola. His rumbling stomach urged him to stop. He hadn’t eaten since lunch and so was inclined to give in to it. But, he didn’t think the other occupant in the car would be receptive to a meal break with him. So, he let the blue and red neon lights of the diner pass him by and he longingly watched it retreat into the distance from the rearview mirror.

His partner hadn’t said a word since they’d gotten in the car. In fact, his partner had barely spoken to him in weeks. Not since they’d found Joanna and returned her safely to her parents. Starsky wasn’t stupid. He knew the source of the sudden friction between them but he couldn’t apologize for it because he wasn’t sorry. And short of a false apology that Hutch would see through in a second, he had no idea how to close the widening gap between them.

Hutch kept his head toward his window, watching the stars go by. There were no streetlights this far out and Starsky could just make out this profile under the full moon. It gave his hair a soft, white glow. He looked beautiful and vulnerable. It almost pissed Starsky off. Hutch, playing high and mighty as if Starsky had done something wrong, something despicable. Maybe he had, but it had been instinct. He had just reacted. It hadn’t really been a choice that he’d made. Hutch should understand that. Hutch always understood him and now he was freezing him out. How did he do that? How did he make him so annoyed and yet wanting to comfort him at the same time? Hutch was hurt, disappointed, and lost. All things Hutch should never be and Starsky wanted to take all that pain away. He wanted to hold him until all the bad melted away. But, the bad was there because of him.

Starsky rolled down the window about halfway and reached his hand out to feel the air. It was hot and the sand flying through the wind stung him. But, it was a distraction from the icy atmosphere in the car. The same surroundings he’d been driving through for hours was dull to take in. Even if he could see them all that well, despite the moon. He didn’t like it. He had been born and raised in cities. He was made for them. He understood them. He felt out of his element out here with no buildings, no lights, and no sounds.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hutch shiver and pull his tan leather jacket tighter around him.. He didn’t know how the man could possibly be cold on a night like this but he rolled the window back up just the same.

‘Sorry,’ he muttered.

Hutch shrugged.

Starsky tried another tactic. ‘So, you get the feeling we’re being punished for something?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘This assignment. Prisoner transport? That’s not something we do.’

‘Captain says the guy is at risk for retaliation. He needs protection.’

‘So, you’re fine with this?’

‘It’s the job, Starsky.’

Hutch’s voice was flat. It gave away nothing. The same voice he’d been using on him since he’d found out what Starsky had done. It hurt him everytime he heard it. But, not as much as the look in Hutch’s eyes when he’d found out. The shock and disgust broke Starsky’s heart. Not long ago, for a few devastating moments, Starsky had thought his partner dead. And now, it was something almost as bad. Hutch was inaccessible to him for the first time since they’d met. They had connected so instantly and so easily when they were young and full of ideals and that nagging loneliness that Starsky had carried around with him since he’d first come to the west coast as a child vanished and he knew peace. Now, he felt as if he’d lost a limb, some vital part of himself that left him unable to function as he had before. And that loneliness was creeping back in.

‘It’s gonna be close to sunrise by the time we get home,’ he tried again.

‘I’ll drive on the way back if you’re too tired.’

Starsky gripped the steering wheel tighter in frustration. ‘That’s not what I meant. I was just...trying to make conversation.’

He waited to see if Hutch would respond. He didn’t. A bug splattered on the windshield leaving a white smear of goop behind. Starsky grimaced. His car was gonna need a lot of tlc when he got it back to Bay City.

‘I’m just saying, we could have gotten a hotel room and finished driving in the morning.’

He was, again, met with silence. ‘But, I guess you probably don’t feel like spending the night with me, huh?’

Hutch looked at him then. His expression was shrouded in the night but it was more than he’d been getting lately.

‘Starsk.’ Hutch said his name, almost like he was pleading with him.

‘What? Come on, what?’

Hutch didn’t say anything more. He just turned back to stare out the side window. Disappointment settled in Starsky’s gut. Hutch had to stop shutting him out at some point and soon. They wouldn’t survive on the streets if they weren’t working in tandem. Hutch must know that. It couldn’t go on like this. Maybe he did know that. Maybe he’d split them up completely and ask for a new partner or transfer out. Starsky didn’t think he could take that. The job weighed on him more and more as the years dragged on and Hutch was his lifeline. He was the thing that made it all bearable and worth putting on the badge and gun every day. Even as his soul slowly grew dark and withered, Hutch kept him human.

His gun. He felt its weight against his chest under his windbreaker. Normally, it was a comfort to him. A sure protection for himself and Hutch against the scum they chased down everyday on the streets. Now, it felt like something awful. It felt like an instrument of destruction that he had used for all the wrong reasons. Wrong in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of Hutch. Since that day, it was a weight tied to him, dragging him down into the depths.

His gaze drifted up to the rearview mirror. Even in the darkness, he could see the dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn’t slept much since that day. When they’d finally left the station, Hutch, sore and exhausted, had turned down Starsky’s offer to have him spend the night at his place. Starsky’s bed had seemed bigger and colder after that. He’d rejected him then and he’d been rejecting him ever since.

Starsky glanced out at the huge full moon. The second one that month. A blue moon. He smiled to himself and an old memory surfaced. ‘You know, when I was a kid, my dad always took my mom out dancing during full moons. He said full moons brought out the romance in people. He said that all you had to do was take the person you love out and let the moon do the rest.’

There was a beat before Hutch spoke. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’

‘Huh?’

‘Let the moon do the rest. What does that mean?’

‘Well, uh, you know. The full moon does things to you. It has an effect on you.’

‘How did your dad figure that?’

Truth be told, Starsky wasn’t exactly sure. He’d just taken his father at his word.

He shrugged. ‘You know. It’s like the ocean. The moon controls the tide, you know, the water and stuff. Our bodies are, whatever, 80% water or something and so the moon controls us too.’

Starsky didn’t so much see as feel Hutch roll his eyes. ‘I think your father was pulling your leg.’

‘I don’t know. It was just something he used to say. I guess I never really thought too much about what it meant.’

Hutch looked at him for a long time, like he was studying him, ‘you never talk much about your dad.’

Starsky shrugged. ‘Not a lot of good to talk about.’

He let his mind wander for a while, thinking of his parents, dancing under the stars. Those thoughts morphed to him and Hutch dancing on the beach, on a clear night with a big, beautiful moon like tonight. If he concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel Hutch’s hand holding his. He smiled before his thoughts turned darker. He thought of the hurt in his mother’s eyes as she watched his father change. The way she cried when she thought no one was looking. The way she went cold to his father’s touch. The way she began to look at him like she was afraid of him. Is that where they were headed? Would Hutch ever look at him like that?

‘That must be the place.’ Hutch’s tired voice cut through his thoughts.

Starsky looked ahead of them. Sure enough, there was a brightly lit police station coming up. It looked out of place, out there alone in the desert. Starsky pulled into the small parking lot, where only one other car sat. The lot wasn’t paved. It was all loose rock and dust. There were no other buildings around. Funny place for a police station, Starsky thought.

They each got out of the car and into the warm, dry night. The wind whipped a stinging of dust into Starsky’s eyes. He winced and tears spilled. Hutch didn’t seem to notice. Starsky rubbed at his watering eyes and blindly tried to keep up with Hutch’s long strides. The ground was uneven and Starsky had to catch himself on the edge of the Torino before jogging after his stone wall of a partner. When Hutch reached the door, he didn’t bother holding it open for him and Starsky barely caught it before it swung shut in his face. He glared at the back of Hutch’s head. Now, he was just being childish.

The low hum of the fluorescent lights was the first thing Starsky noticed once he was inside. One of them flickered a couple of times. The place was pretty bare. The brown tile floor was worn and bubbled up in places. A few flies lazily circled the buzzing lights. The air was stale and breathing it, Starsky immediately missed the flying dust outside. In the corner, a dripping water fountain sat alone and slightly askew against the tan wall. All in all, it was quite the dump.

A young deputy sat alone behind the front desk. There was something not quite right about him but Starsky couldn’t put his finger on what. He was wiry, tall and covered in freckles. His red hair hung over his ears and covered his eyes while the man idly doodled on some paper on the desk. He looked young. And his uniform didn’t fit him quite right. The sleeves were tight around his forearms, not loose around his wrists like they ought to be. His top button was undone around the collar. The pair watched him for a minute, waiting to see when he’d notice that he was no longer alone.

Finally Hutch loudly cleared his throat. The young man’s head snapped up. Starsky noted that he had a funny, kind of far away look in his eyes. The look vanished quickly and a bright smile spread across his face. He cleared his throat before speaking. ‘Hello there. You must be the detectives from Bay City.’

‘That’s us,’ said Hutch, showing the man his badge. ‘Detective Hutchinson,’ he tilted his head toward Starsky, ‘this is Detective Starsky.’

‘Good of you to come all this way last minute.’

‘It sure was,’ said Starsky. Hutch shot him a look and Starsky shut up.

The deputy stood up. He was even taller than Starsky realized. He ran a large hand through dark red hair and reached out to shake their hands. The kid’s grip was strong but clammy. Starsky fought the urge to wipe his palm on his jeans after being released from the handshake.

The young man looked around his desk for a moment and rummaged through a couple of drawers.

‘Gee, I had some paperwork for you guys to fill out but I must have left it somewhere in the back. Sorry, it gets kind of lonely here at night and I try my best to amuse myself. It’s kind of embarrassing.’

He scooped up his drawings and folded them haphazardly, stuffing them in his pocket. ‘I don’t suppose you’d excuse me for a minute, would you?’

Hutch flashed him his easy smile, ‘go right ahead.’

The deputy smiled and vanished behind a heavy wooden door with a strange nervous energy that had Starsky staring after him. They were alone again. Starsky walked around the small room, noting the benches by the front window that were bolted to the floor. They looked as old as everything else in the place did. The only thing new in the place were the wide windows that were nearly floor to ceiling right in front. Not a smudge to be seen Starsky sat on one of the benches as casually as he could muster.

Hutch leaned against the desk, looking anywhere but where Starsky sat. Starsky spoke anyway. ‘Awful quiet around here, isn’t it?’

‘It’s called the night shift.’

‘Never this quiet at our station.’

‘We live in a major city, not the middle of the desert.’

Starsky rolled his eyes. ‘I know that. I’m just making conversation, Hutch.’

‘Well, I’m not in the mood for conversation.’

‘Yeah, you never are these days. You just want to be a self-righteous asshole.’ Starsky’s frustration was boiling over.

Hutch gaped at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish on land. He finally managed to sputter out, ‘I’m the asshole? Me? Really?’

Starsky stood up. This was the most emotion he’d gotten out of Hutch in weeks and it made his heart beat faster. Anything, even fighting, was better than the silence.

‘You’ve barely spoken to me in weeks. You know that.’

Hutch looked guilty for a moment. ‘I just need some time, Starsk.’

Starsky dropped his gaze to the floor. Even if it was over now, at least he wouldn’t have to wait and wonder anymore. He struggled to get his next words out, terrified of the answer. ‘Do you want to break up? Just...be partners at work and nothing else?’

Hutch sighed, ‘I don’t know. I don’t want that to be the answer.’

Well, that was something. Hutch didn’t want to end their relationship. He asked another question that he didn’t want to know the answer to. ‘Do you want to work with someone else, you know, for a while?’

Hutch took a long time before answering that one. ‘I’d rather just not work at all right now. I’d rather we both get a break.’

Starsky clung on to Hutch’s use of the word ‘we.’ Hutch still thought of them as a unit. ‘Okay, we can do that. Take some time off.’

Hutch laughed, humorlessly. ‘I think that’s going to be settled for us after the hearing, buddy.’

That hurt like a slap to the face. ‘Thanks for the vote of confidence, partner. Say, you’re not the one who called the hearing, are you?’

Hutch looked at him, ‘are you really asking me that?’

The tone of his voice was almost enough to make Starsky take it back, but he held his ground. If they fought, maybe they could at least get past this. Or maybe it would break them forever.

‘I’m really asking,’ he whispered.

Hutch rubbed his hand over his face and groaned. He shook his head and looked at the floor for a long moment. Starsky held his breath, waiting for his answer.

‘Well?’

‘No! No, Starsky, I didn’t call the hearing. I haven’t said anything about what happened to anyone. Of course, I haven’t.’

‘Okay, then.’ At least that was settled. Starsky didn’t really think Hutch would ever try to get him in trouble. Even if he didn’t agree with him, he’d always backed him and tried to protect him. But, then, Hutch had never known him to kill in cold blood the way he had either. This was uncharted ground for them and he was scared of the consequences. Not scared for his job or his freedom. At most, without a confession, he’d get a slap on the wrist and he knew it. No one could prove he’d done it on purpose. Just a lucky shot. Or unlucky. He supposed that would be how his superiors looked at it.

‘Where’s that deputy,’ asked Hutch, pacing around the room. ‘He’s been gone a while.’

‘It’s only been a few minutes.’

‘Well, how long does it take to grab paperwork?’

‘Well, maybe he organizes as well as you do,’ said Starsky, trying to be lighthearted. It didn’t work. Hutch just got more agitated.

‘He knew we were coming. He should have had it all ready. I don’t want to hang around here all night.’

‘Hang around here or hang around me?’

Hutch stopped pacing and faced his partner. ‘I didn’t say that.’

Starsky matched his gaze. ‘No you didn’t, but it’s what you meant. I mean, forget talking to me, you barely even look at me. Ever since-.’

‘Don’t. Starsk, please don’t.’

‘Why? Why can’t we talk about it,’ he begged.

‘Because I know what you’re gonna say and I can’t hear it. I can’t. I never asked for what you did. I never would have. And I’m not okay with it.’

Starsky looked down at his hands. Hands Hutch believed had blood on them. Maybe he was right but he didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry for what he did. What did that say about him?

‘It was a reaction, Hutch. That’s all it was.’

Hutch moved forward until he was inches from his partner’s face. It was as close as they’d been since Starsky had desperately clung to him, while he shook and bled in that pile of broken glass. Before Hutch had found out what he’d done and started looking at him differently.

‘Don’t you see how wrong that is,’ Hutch whispered. He tentatively brushed his fingers over Starsky’s knuckles.

Starsky sighed. ‘If you feel that way, then why don’t you just say it at the hearing?’

Hutch gestured, searching for an answer. Then, his mouth formed a weak, sad smile. ‘I guess because I compromise myself for you too.’

The self-loathing in his voice broke Starsky’s heart. To have Hutch hate him was painful enough. To have him hate himself was the last thing he ever wanted. He wanted to engulf him and hold him tightly. He wanted the world to melt away so that there was nothing left but the two of them.

Instead he swallowed hard and said, ‘I’ll go see what’s keeping that deputy.’

He stepped away, the air immediately felt colder out of Hutch’s orbit. He walked behind the counter, and through the door. Hutch stared after him, lost.

The back of the station was dark. That put Starsky on guard. His hand instinctively went to his gun. He didn’t pull, he just rested his hand on the butt. His other hand reached out to the light switch on the wall. He flipped the switch. The click echoed through the empty hallway, but the light didn’t come on. He flipped the switch back and forth a few more times but nothing happened.

‘Deputy? You around?’ There was no response. The place seemed completely devoid of life. His hand tightened on his gun. Starsky slowly took a few steps forward. He tilted his head in the first open door he saw. It was an office, just as dark and silent as the hall was. ‘Deputy?’

This was a bad idea. He could barely see anything and he needed to get back to Hutch. To let him know that something was wrong. He backed out through the main door into the light of the lobby.

‘You find him,’ Hutch asked. He was sitting now, fiddling with a bent paperclip he must have found on the floor.

‘Hutch, this isn’t right.’

Hutch was instantly alert. ‘What do you mean?’

Starsky went over to his partner, needing that sense of strength they always drew from each other when they were up against it.

‘It’s completely dark back there. The lights won’t come on and that deputy, if he’s back there, he ain’t answering.’

Hutch’s eyes went to the door Starsky had just come through. ‘What are you thinking? I mean, we can’t just leave the guy there. Something might have happened to him.’

Starsky nodded, ‘okay, we go check it out together. If we don’t find him, we call it in.’

Just then, the lights went out. The darkness made them flinch. They looked around at the empty station blanketed in black. The only light was from the large full moon, reaching its light through the open windows.

‘Deputy…what did he say his name was,’ asked Starsky.

‘He didn’t.’

‘Well, deputy no name ain’t here.’

Hutch said, ‘you thinking what I’m thinking?’

‘Set up.’

‘Right.’

Before they could say anything else, a shot cracked through the air. Starsky felt the bullet whip by him just as Hutch tackled him to the ground. He landed painfully on the hard floor, his back screaming in protest. The wind was momentarily knocked out of him due to 170 lbs of blonde blintz on top of him. Hutch quickly rolled off and pulled Starsky along the ground until they were flush against the wall beneath the broken window, out of sight from any snipers.

‘You okay,’ Hutch asked.

‘Yeah, you?’

‘Yeah.’

Hutch pulled his gun. Two more shots rang out and glass fell down on their heads. Starsky covered his head with his free hand, the other finally unholstering his own weapon. The shots paused. The two men looked at each other, silently communicating. Starsky raised his weapon and fired a round as Hutch peaked his head over the wall to see if anyone was in sight. Another bullet pierced the window and Starsky yanked his partner back down beside him.

‘Did you see them,’ asked Starsky, his hand still balled up in Hutch’s jacket.

‘No. I don’t know where they are. We need to get out of here.’

Starsky looked behind him. They’d have to make it to the counter in order to get through the back door. They could make it. They had to.

‘We need to get to the back.’

‘Even if we do, the car is out front. How do you expect to get there in one piece,’ Hutch argued.

‘Well, we can’t just stay here and hope they go away.’

Hutch huffed in frustration. ‘Okay, fine. I’ll cover you.’

Starsky turned, poised to move when a gentle hand held his shoulder. It sent a shock through him, despite the situation because Hutch hadn’t touched him like this in so long. He looked back at Hutch’s worried eyes.

‘Starsk, be careful.’ Starsky grasped Hutch’s fingers for a brief moment and then the touch was gone and Starsky was dashing across the room, keeping his eyes on the desk. Gunfire was all he heard. The shots meant for him and Hutch coming from outside and Hutch’s answering cover fire. He made it to the side of the desk and scrambled around it, until he was safe on the other side. He took a moment to catch his breath and ready his gun.

‘I’m good. You ready?’

‘Yeah,’ Hutch’s voice reached his ears. Starsky rose up and aimed his gun at the window and fired while Hutch, staying low, dashed to reach his side. Hutch made it behind the desk and Starsky hauled him closer to him, needing the reassurance only a touch can bring.

‘Back door. Let’s go.’

They slipped through the door and the gunfire ceased. They entered one of the offices, mindful of the windows. Hutch immediately went for the phone. He wasn’t terribly surprised that when he lifted the receiver to his ear, there was no sound coming from it.

‘Dead,’ asked Starsky.

‘Yeah.’ He slammed the phone back on the hook. ‘Where the hell is that deputy? What the hell did he get us into?’

Starsky shook his head, ‘Hutch, my guess is he’s either dead or he’s one of those freaks out there trying to pick us off.’

Hutch rubbed a hand over his face. ‘It doesn’t matter right now if he’s in on this or not.’

Starsky watched him and knew his partner was desperately trying to think of a course of action. Starsky didn’t see that they had many options at the moment.

Hutch spoke again, ‘how much ammo you got left?’

‘Not much. You?’

‘Me neither.’

‘Well, they got to have ammo and guns stashed around here, right? This is a police station. A weapons locker or anything.’

‘Unless they cleaned the place out first. Starsky, we don’t have time to go rooting around this whole station. What’s stopping whoever’s outside from coming inside?’

‘So, you’d rather make a run for it? To the car or out into the desert? We don’t know where they are or how many there are and you ain’t wearing a vest this time, buddy.’

Hutch’s chest ached at the memory of a bullet slamming into him, only stopped by the kevlar he wore. He wanted to reach up and rub at the mostly healed bruise, but he ignored the impulse. Starsky didn’t need that on top of everything. He looked back into the dark hallway. All was silent.

‘We’re outgunned, Hutch.’ Starsky’s voice was calm, appealing to Hutch’s pragmatic nature. He knew his partner was right. There was no running. Even if they could get away, getting lost in the desert didn’t seem like a better option.

‘You search the rooms, fast. I’ll keep watch. That deputy might still be around here somewhere,’ he finally agreed.

Starsky stepped past him and into the next room. They moved swiftly through all the rooms in the back. They were filled with filing cabinets and desks, if they were filled at all. And worryingly, most of the stuff was covered in a fine layer of dust. He wouldn’t dwell on that now though. Starsky opened all the drawers and cabinets, checking every place a weapon could be stashed and Hutch covered him from the doorway. By the time they’d reached the end of the hall, they still had found nothing.

‘The place is cleaned out,’ said Starsky. ‘Even the evidence lockers. They planned this from the get go.’

‘Not just that. You see all the dust?’

‘Yeah, I know. This place hasn’t been used as a station in a while.’

‘We got to get to the car, Starsk. We’re sitting ducks in here.’

Starsky held up a hand to calm his partner, ‘the car that’s all the way across the parking lot? We got no way of getting there without getting picked off.’

Hutch sighed and leaned against the doorframe. Starsky moved to stand opposite of him.

‘Unless I go for the car and you keep both guns and cover me from here.’

Hutch looked up at him, skepticism etched deep in his face. He wanted to shout at Starsky that that was crazy and he’d be killed. But, he also struggled to find a better option. His mind was racing too fast.

‘Okay, that’s settled,’ Starsky started to leave. Hutch threw out an arm to stop him. He curled his hand around Starsky’s shoulder, the leather creaking as he squeezed.

‘Or, I could go and you could cover me. I’m a faster runner. You know that.’

Starsky was already shaking his head. ‘No. I don’t like it.’

‘You think I like the idea of you going?’

‘Hutch, isn’t this what got us -me- in trouble last time?’

Hutch dropped his hand. Starsky held his gaze, making sure he was being heard. ‘I’m not sorry for what I did. I wish I was but I’m not. I saw you get hit. I thought you were dead. That’s all I could see. And I didn’t save you. I didn’t get to you in time. I didn’t warn you fast enough. I just had this rage. White hot, inside me. I couldn’t save you but I could make the bastards that killed you pay. I ain’t saying it’s right. I’m a cop. And what I did was over the line. But, honestly? I’m your partner first and a cop second. I don’t know when that happened but it did. And I ain’t sorry for that either. If you can’t live with that, then I get it. But, right now, we need to get out of here and I can’t watch you risk yourself again. Just do this one thing for me, please. Then, if we make it out of here and you want to split, I’ll just have to learn to live with that.’

Hutch didn’t know what to say for a moment. He’d known that Starsky had done it on purpose. His partner, his best friend, his everything had murdered the men who had shot him. He just hadn’t wanted to hear Starsky say it. He didn’t want to face it. But, it was too late now. It was all out. Hutch had no more plausible deniability. He was torn between wanting to punch Starsky and kiss him.

‘Starsk. I don’t want to split. You’re my partner. I don’t want another one. I love you. You know that. And you are a hell of a cop. And you’re a good man. The best I’ve ever known. You’re so sure of what’s right and wrong and I admire that certainty in you. So if I’m the reason that you cross that line and throw your morality out the window? I don’t know if I can live with that, partner.’

Starsky finally dropped his gaze. ‘It isn’t your fault, Hutch.’

‘No, it’s not. But, it’s still because of me. I compromise you. I corrupt you.’

Starsky shook his head, ‘no. Never. It’s something in me. It always has been. I’m not the great man you think I am. You just think too much of me, that’s all.’

‘Or you think too little of yourself.’

Starsky felt a surge of love for this man swell up inside him. He was a murderer. He had just admitted to it and Hutch still believed in him. He might not be able to get past what Starsky had done but he was telling him how good he was all the same.

Hutch continued. ‘You know, when I first made detective and you saw to it that we got partnered, Starsk, I was so happy. Because I already loved you so much. I thought, you and me, we’d be unstoppable.’

‘Me and thee,’ Starsky said, gently.

‘Right. We’d make the best team. We were strong apart and we’d be even stronger together. I believed that. I really did.’

‘And now you don’t?’

‘I brought out the worst in you. I made you a ki-...a killer.’

Starsky’s heart sank. So, that really was what Hutch thought. That Hutch was bad for him. That he’d turned him into something terrible. He was wrong. Starsky had never known a love like he felt for Hutch. How could that make him anything but better? But, Starsky had killed in cold blood. And he’d done it to avenge Hutch in a fit of grief and rage. And he’d felt no remorse afterward. He still felt no remorse, even through Hutch’s words. What did that say about him? Where did that leave him and Hutch? He suddenly felt defensive.

‘So, you’re always on the side of the angels and I’m down in the dirt.’

Hutch’s head snapped up. ‘I never said I was better than you.’

‘Hey, but you’re not a murderer, are you? Not like me. You didn’t commit an unforgivable sin. Those guys were killers, Hutch. They tried to kill you. They were scum!’

‘And the girl,” Hutch asked.

‘What do you mean?’

‘We didn’t know where she was. They were the only ones who knew. Did you even think about that?’

The fight left Starsky as quickly as it had come. He’d had no thoughts of the girl when he’d done it. All he could see was his partner falling through a glass door after a bullet slammed into his chest.

‘No. I wasn’t thinking about her at the time.’

Hutch nodded. He already knew that. ‘You put my life over hers. No, not even my life because you thought I was dead. You wanted revenge for me. As far as you knew, I was dead but that girl wasn’t. You took away her chance. You were responsible for her!’

‘I’m responsible for you first!’

‘Not at the expense of an innocent civilian! I signed up for the same thing that you did! I know what I’m risking everyday!’

‘At the expense of everybody!’

Hutch was stunned into silence.

Starsky shrugged helplessly. ‘I told you. I’m your partner first and a cop second. Maybe that does make me a bad cop. For what it’s worth, I am sorry for that part. If we hadn’t found her, I would have had to live with that forever. She was just a kid. Her life was in our hands and I nearly blew it. I regret that. But, wasting those two guys? No. I can’t feel sorry for it. All I saw was you falling through that glass.’

Hutch was silent. What else was there to say? He couldn’t change what happened and neither of them were changing their minds.

‘Just let me make the run, Hutch. I’ll be okay. You’ll cover me. And you’ll do it better than I did for you.’

Hutch walked into the hallway, shaking his head, hating the plan. It was too big of a risk. And he didn’t want Starsky taking it out of guilt or some form of penance.

When he turned back to face Starsky, he was holding out his gun for him to take.

‘Come on, partner. Take it.’

Hutch reluctantly took the gun. It felt heavier than it should. It didn’t belong in his hands. He gripped it tightly, getting the feel of the weapon. He needed it to feel right. He needed it to protect his partner. Starsky put on a brave smirk and winked.

‘I’ll be careful. I ran cross country in high school.’

Hutch laughed, a little breathlessly. ‘No, you didn’t.’

‘Didn’t want to make the other guys jealous,’ he shrugged.

Hutch nodded. They slowly made their way back to the front of the building. The windows were somehow still intact, despite the various bullet holes littering the glass. They stayed pressed against the back wall. They were silent except for the pounding of their hearts and their heavy breathing. They reached the door without incident. Hutch pulled out his gun and gripped the handle on the door. Starsky prepared to run, squashing down his fear just as he did every day he was out on the streets. He could see the car from his position. It wasn’t that far, not really. But, he couldn’t see the shooters either and he knew they were out there. He trusted Hutch to take care of that, just until he got to the car. That’s all the time he needed.

He nearly flinched when he heard Hutch’s quiet plea, ‘be careful, Starsk.’

Starsky didn’t look over at him, unwilling to risk losing his nerve, ‘no sweat.’

Hutch pulled open the door and Starsky darted out into the night. The hot desert air nearly hit him like a wall, but he pushed through it, his feet hitting the pavement with everything he had in him. The shots started ringing out immediately. Shots from above, meant for him. And answering shots from behind, meant to protect him.

Starsky kept his eyes ahead of him. The Torino got closer and closer and he pushed himself even harder. Their salvation was nearly in reach. He just had to push a little bit more.

Suddenly, he was knocked off of his feet by a wave of heat. He landed hard, holding his head and trying to figure out what had just happened. He rolled around, with no control, on the ground. The world spun around as his body rolled across the rocks and dust. The heat died down as he came to a stop. He lifted his head and saw his beloved Torino in flames.

His ears were ringing. He wanted to keep lying there but some still lucid part of him knew he couldn’t. He was exposed. He struggled to pull himself to his feet, swaying and stumbling as he did so. Above the ringing and the roar of the fire, he heard a panicked voice screaming his name. Hutch. He had to get back to Hutch. He moved and struggled until he was facing the empty police station again.

Hutch was outside now. He was still holding the snipers off as Starsky made his way back with far less grace and speed than when he’d ran out. He made it to Hutch and nearly collapsed into him. Hutch wrapped a protective arm around him and herded them back to relative safety. They hit the floor behind the desk and Starsky slumped against the wall, dazed, and let the darkness swallow him up.

******

Starsky watched his partner closely in the busy squad room. The man had just been shot in the chest, only saved by the vest he wore, and fallen through a glass door. They’d found the girl and delivered her back to her parents. Now, the adrenaline was gone and Hutch was sweaty and shaky.

Starsky wanted to take him home, clean him up, and crawl into bed with him. He needed to reassure himself that Hutch was all right. His heartbeat still hadn’t slowed down since seeing his partner get hit.

Hutch struggled with his paperwork, through exhaustion and frayed nerves. It was like his eyes couldn’t focus on the words and his hand couldn’t hold still long enough to write. Starsky just sat there, opposite of him, watching. His own report sat, unfinished, on the desk in front of him. He wasn’t in the mood to rehash the day’s events. It was too raw. He hadn’t yet processed what had happened. He couldn’t quite believe what had happened.

A lucky shot was what one of the uniforms on the scene had called it. One in a million. The cop looked fresh out of the academy. He seemed to be in awe of Starsky’s ‘lucky shot.’ Starsky could tell by the look on his partner’s face that Hutch knew the truth. Starsky didn’t make lucky shots. He hit what he meant to hit. Dobby knew it too. So did, Starsky suspected, IA. They would come to question him sooner or later.

Hutch winced in pain and his breath hitched. He reached up to rub his chest. ‘Come on. I’ll take you home,’ said Starsky.

Hutch looked at him with a kind of sadness and resignation. ‘No, my car’s here. I can drive myself.’

‘Hutch, you’re in pain. You shouldn’t drive.’

‘Then I’ll call a cab,’ he said, standing gingerly.

The sting of rejection hit Starsky hard, They hadn’t spent a night apart in months. Now, Hutch couldn’t wait to get away from him. Hutch moved slowly, careful not to aggravate his injured body. He slowly worked his way back into his jacket. Starsky wanted to help him so badly but he stayed rooted in his spot. Hutch addressed Starsky once more and told him he would see him in the morning. Then he was gone and Starsky felt powerless to stop him.

He looked towards Dobey’s office to see the man staring at him with a mix of sympathy and anger that only he could pull off. Starsky sighed and turned back to the empty seat across from him.

******

‘Starsky. Talk to me. Come on. Wake up!’’

Starsky heard Hutch calling for him. His eyes fluttered and his partner came back into focus. Hutch had Starsky’s head cradled in his lap. His hand gently caressed his cheek. His other hand ran through his curls, gently probing for injuries. Starsky leaned into the touch, instinctively latching on to the comfort he felt after such a long absence. The noise in his ears died down but his head was pounding. He tried to push it down and force himself to feel normal.

‘Starsk?’

‘I’m okay,’ he lied. ‘Just got the wind knocked out of me.’

‘You’re bleeding,’ Hutch touched a sore spot just under his hairline on his forehead.

‘It’s just a scratch. Don’t worry about it.’ He closed his eyes again, letting the events of the night come back to him.
‘My car. They blew up my car!’ He struggled to sit up, tripping over himself as he did. Hutch kept a firm grasp on him that kept him from exposing himself to the shot out window.

Starsky remembered that day when he had taken a sure and precise shot to Hutch’s would be killer’s gas tank. It was a direct hit and had the desired effect. Did the same thing just happen here? Had there been a shot to the car before it went up? Starsky couldn’t remember but the possibility filled him with a strange feeling he couldn’t identify.

‘Yeah, we’re not gonna be getting out of here that way,’ Hutch sighed.

‘Well, that’s terrific. That was our ticket to freedom.’

‘You sure you’re alright?’ Hutch let his hand drift down from his hair to the nape of his neck. His touch was cool and soothed Starsky’s burning skin.

‘Yeah. I’m okay.’

They were inches apart now. Starsky felt that familiar rush he always got when he and Hutch were close like this. Starsky leaned in all the way and placed a featherlight kiss to Hutch’s lips. He pulled back quickly in case the gesture wasn’t welcome.

Hutch leaned his forehead to meet Starsky’s. But, he didn’t kiss him. They just sat there for a few moments, their breaths mingling together. Hutch squeezed the back of Starsky’s neck. It took all of Starsky’s willpower not to kiss him again. It had been too long, way too long and hell, maybe they were about to die. But, he held back. Hutch had said he might not be able to live with the responsibility of being the person that sends Starsky over the line. He supposed that was a lot to take. When he’d met Hutch, he’d met an idealistic, almost naive person who believed he could save the world one criminal at a time. Over time, it had almost hurt to see that idealism slip further and further away from the man. If Hutch had outright murdered someone and Starsky was his motive, he might have trouble looking at himself in the mirror too.

But, there had to be a way past it. There had to be. Once they got out of the desert alive and Starsky was determined that they would get out alive. He thought all this in the silent and intimate moment with Hutch until the other man’s voice slipped through the air.

‘They’re not gonna wait around out there forever. Sooner or later they’re gonna come in here.’

Starsky pulled back and adjusted quickly to the abrupt change in mood. Hutch was right. They were sitting ducks and they couldn’t just wait inside until whoever was out there decided to come in.

‘Probably sooner rather than later. Before the sun comes up. What time you got?’

Hutch dropped his hand from Starsky’s neck and held it up to his face to check his watch. ‘Nearly three.’

‘All right. The way I see it, we got two choices then. We run and take our chances in the desert or we take a stand and take our chances with the bad guys.’

Hutch glanced toward the window. It looked so empty. It was quiet and still. The temptation to run was strong but there was nowhere to go that they could reach before their attackers finished them off.

‘Fight or flight,’ he asked.

‘That’s about the size of it.’

‘Well, let’s not make it easy for them.’

Hutch saw that defiant look in Starsky’s blue eyes and felt a strength run through him just as it always did when his partner was confident and ready to fight. He pulled Starsky back in for a fierce but quick hug and he did kiss him this time. A hard, messy, almost painful kiss. But, he needed to do it. No matter what sins Starsky had committed or what his reasons were, Hutch loved him. Would always love him. Even if they couldn’t be together.

When they parted, Starsky searched his face for a moment. His own face read surprise.

‘Let’s get to the back and figure out a plan,’ Hutch said, before crawling toward the door that led to the back. Starsky followed behind, slowly. The world was still spinning.

They reached one of the offices they had gone through earlier. Starsky sat on the desk and Hutch closed the door, leaning against it when it clicked shut.

‘Okay, so we’re nearly out of ammo. I think it’s a good bet that they’re counting on that. We don’t know how many there are and there’s no way we’re gonna find out until they come in here.’

‘Mmm-hmm, and what ammo we do have left, we use very, very sparingly.’

‘Okay, we go through the place again. We find anything at all we can use as a weapon. We know there’s no guns, but there’s got to be something they didn’t think to take out of here. We just got to get creative.’

‘Starsky, we’ve looked everywhere. We tore the place inside out. If there were something useful left, we’d have found it.’

Starsky threw up his hands. ‘Well, we can’t just sit here like fish in a barrel.’

‘Just let me think.’

Starsky eyed the clock, ticking away, unconcerned with their situation. Every tick sounded like an explosion to him. His head hurt so much. He tried to focus and he stood from the desk. He wobbled a bit and tried to catch himself on a water cooler. His vision swam and he and the water cooler tumbled to the floor. The cooler shattered and water burst from it, splashing his face and shocking him with how cold it was.

‘Starsk!’ Before he could try to lift himself up, Hutch was hauling him to his feet. Starsky leaned against him. His partner felt so solid and safe. He wanted to close his eyes and go back to sleep. He wanted this whole night to be a dream. Longer than that. He wanted to go back and never listen to a word Callandra said. He wished Hutch had never been curious about pretty dead horses, grazing in the sun. He squeezed his eyes shut until the world steadied itself.

‘I’m okay. Just a dizzy spell.’ Starsky pulled back to look into Hutch’s worried eyes. He flashed him his best reassuring smile.

Hutch wasn’t fooled. ‘I think you got a concussion there, Gordo.’

‘Doesn’t matter right now,’ Starsky pulled back even further, until they weren’t touching anymore. ‘Getting out of here alive is what matters.’

Starsky stopped. Something sounded different. There wasn’t just silence anymore. There was a noise. A steady, quiet noise.

‘Do you hear that?’

Hutch froze, listening. ‘Yeah.’

‘It sounds like...water.’

They looked down to where the water cooler lay, smashed on the floor. The water was slowly flowing under the desk. They pushed the desk out of the way to find the water slipping down through a crack in the floor. No, not a crack. A door. A small trap door hidden under the desk. They looked at each other with a mix of apprehension and hope.

‘Flashlight,’ asked Hutch. Starsky rummaged through the desk again until he pulled out a small, black flashlight.

He flicked it on while Hutch opened the door. Even with the light, they couldn’t see much. A small staircase that descended down into the dark was about as far as it got.

‘After you,’ said Starsky, offering the flashlight to Hutch. Hutch smirked and took it. He cautiously made his way down until he was out of Starsky’s sight.

Starsky waited a few moments. He didn’t hear anything from below. All he heard was the ticking of the clock.

‘Hutch,’ he whispered. No reply. ‘Hutch.’ He was more insistent now.

Without warning the beam of the flashlight shone in his face. He held up his hand to block the bright light. It did nothing for his throbbing head.

‘Watch it!’

‘Sorry,’ the light moved away from him. ‘Starsky, there’s some old equipment down here. No weapons but we got vests and radios. Can you make it down here?’

Hutch reached out to help him. Starsky hesitated before making his way down the crooked, old steps. He let Hutch guide him with one hand and held on to the jagged wall with the other. The air was stale and dry. He felt cobwebs brush over his head. It was cold too. Nothing like the heat upstairs. His flesh raised with goosebumps.

‘You all right?’

‘Yeah.’ Starsky waved away the ancient cobwebs. ‘Looks like the maid missed this room.’

‘Here, hold this,’ Hutch handed Starsky the flashlight. ‘Shine it over here.’

Starsky focused the beam on the back wall where a line of radios sat. Hutch grabbed two of them. He handed one to Starsky. ‘Let’s hope this works.’

Starsky flicked his on and heard the glorious sound of static. Hutch held up a finger then took his radio back upstairs. Starsky waited until he heard Hutch’s cracked voice coming through the speaker.

‘Can you hear me?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, partner.’

‘Grab a couple of those vests and get up here. We got some leverage they’re not expecting now.’

Starsky grabbed everything and eased up the stairs, being careful to keep his balance. Hutch took one of the vests and radios Starsky started to take his shirt off to get his vest on. He leaned against the wall as another wave of dizziness hit him. He dropped his arms, his shirt slung loosely around his neck. He tried to catch his breath, focusing his eyes on the floor.

Suddenly, he felt the gentle hands of his partner gingerly tugging his shirt over his head. He looked up to see Hutch’s face appear over the cotton fabric. He gave him his best smile before leaning into him. Hutch wrapped his arms around him and held him. Starsky wanted to sleep. It would have been so easy to just close his eyes and surrender to the darkness. Where he wasn’t trapped in this station and he hadn’t murdered two men and ruined his relationship with Hutch.

Hutch shook him a bit. ‘Hey, listen. Why don’t you wait this out down in that cellar?’

Starsky shook his head against his chest. ‘No way. We don’t know how many are out there. You won’t have a chance on your own.’

‘Starsk, you’re hurt.’

‘I don’t care. I’m not leaving you to face this without me. That’s not how we work.’

Hutch paused. Starsky knew Hutch didn’t like it. He could tell he was gearing up to argue with him some more. He pulled back and looked him in the eye. ‘I’m fine, all right? I don’t go down easy, you know that.’

The corners of Hutch’s mouth tugged a bit before he reluctantly nodded. ‘Yeah, I know that, but we’re safer if we’re apart. They can’t get us both.’

‘Absolutely not. Now, give me a hand with this vest, would ya?’

‘Starsky,’ Hutch started.

‘I’m not letting you do this without me. I’m backing you up! You’re not getting killed this time!’

Hutch lowered his voice. ‘I didn’t get killed last time.’

‘No thanks to me. I’m serious. You try to put me down there, I’ll do whatever I have to to get out. Please, don’t fight me on this. Not this.’

Hutch silently helped him into his vest before pulling his shirt back over his head and easing his arms through. Starsky took a moment to let his body relax again before checking his gun and radio.

‘Starsk, look, I’m sure someone will be here in the morning. We never checked in and Dobey’s expecting us. We just have to wait these guys out. And the safest place for you to do that is down there. I can keep them distracted. I can keep them away from you,’ said Hutch.

Starsky felt rage. He couldn’t be on the sidelines again. He’d been helpless last time, watching Hutch race all over the city. He wouldn’t leave him again. He wouldn’t live while his partner died. Shaking his head, he went back out to the main room, with Hutch calling after him. He kept as steady on his feet as he could. He crouched by the shot out windows. The massive moon was bathing everything in a blue light. He clearly saw the burnt wreckage of his Torino. It wasn’t on fire anymore, just smoking. He squinted as hard as he could to see anyone that might be hiding out there in the rocks and the sand. Of course, there was nothing. Even without the concussion, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to see anyone.

Hutch came up behind him. He put a firm hand on his shoulder and whispered, ‘what are you, crazy?’

Starsky ignored him and shouted, ‘haven’t you played this game long enough?! Why don’t you come inside and get it over with?!’

He waited for a sign that they’d been heard and waved Hutch off of him. For a time, all they could hear was their own heavy breathing. Starsky was getting anxious and half ready to simply make another run for it, foolish as he knew that would be. They looked at each other, contemplating their next move when finally a voice cut through the night.

‘Anxious to die, huh? Well, you will. We’ll make sure of that.’

Starsky tried to think if he recognized the voice. It didn’t ring any bells. Hutch didn’t look as if he recognized it either.

‘Look, let’s try to talk this thing out,’ Hutch tried. They both strained to figure out where the voice was coming from. It seemed to be coming from above them. The roof. It made sense. There was no place to hide out here.

‘Talk? Since when do you cops give people a chance to talk?’

‘What are you talking about,’ Hutch asked.

‘I know all about you, Detective Starsky, and that badge you hide behind.’

Starsky’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t know this man. He was sure of it. But, he hadn’t known Prudholm either. It didn’t matter.

He spoke up, ‘hey! You got a problem with me! Take it up with me! Why don’t you let my partner walk out of here?!’

Hutch shot him a defiant look before the stranger spoke again. ‘Sorry, Starsky. He’s not getting out of this any more than you are. He stuck by you to cover for the murder you committed, so he gets to die with you too!’

‘What murder? What are you talking about,’ asked Hutch.

‘My brother! Your partner blew him to hell a few weeks ago! Did you think no one would care? Maybe your whole system would let you get away with it but I won’t! You’re gonna pay for it tonight, Starsky. Your partner’s gonna pay with you!’

Starsky’s heart sank. The Collandra case had already wrecked his relationship. Now it was coming back again. He’d done what he’d done because he thought he was avenging Hutch. Now, Hutch was in danger because of what he’d done.

‘Look, uh, what’s your name, huh? I’d like to know who’s accusing me.’

There was a pause and Starsky thought maybe there wouldn’t be an answer. Then, ‘Ryker. The name’s Ryker.’

Starsky sighed, ‘okay, Ryker. Your brother was killed in a police pursuit. He and his partner had already killed one person and were holding a teenage girl for ransom. They fled. I stopped them!’

‘By killing them! You didn’t give them a chance! You just blew them away and then forgot about them. You did it on purpose! I know you did!’

He looked at Hutch. Hutch’s gaze shifted from him to the floor. Ashamed, Starsky thought. He was ashamed. What was the use of denying it when everyone knew?

‘My partner didn’t know anything about that. Your brother had just shot him. He couldn’t have anything to do with it!’

‘Later! He knew later! And he didn’t say anything! He protected you after what you did!’

‘He thought it was an accident. A lucky shot. Only you and I know that that’s not true. Hutch was lying in a pile of broken glass with a bullet in the vest courtesy of your brother! So, I killed him. And I lied to my partner about it.’

Starsky saw Hutch’s eyes shimmering with unshed tears in the moonlight. Starsky felt sick. He didn’t know if it was from the concussion or the knowledge that Hutch was paying for his actions or if it was because he was exposing his secret so openly. He tried to push the wave of nausea down and focus on the lunatic outside. And whoever might be with him.

He pressed on. His voice was wavering a little now. ‘So, let him go. And just deal with me.’

Suddenly, Hutch’s hand was covering his. He looked at his fair haired partner, who offered him a watery smile.

‘I am not leaving you. No matter what. That’s never gonna happen.’

Starsky didn’t have time to reply before the man started speaking again. ‘You’re not in a position to bargain and I’m not in a generous mood. He stays!’

Starsky hadn’t really expected anything else, but he’d had to try. ‘So, what now? We just gonna sit here until daylight? Someone’s gonna come around eventually!’

‘No, cop! We’re done playing. You’re stuck in there and you know it. We’ve got you like rats in a trap. See you soon!’

The partners looked at each other. This was it. They were coming in soon.

‘I’m sorry you got dragged into this, Hutch. This is my fault.’

‘Now’s not the time for this Starsk.’

‘I need you to know. In case.’

‘There’s no “in case.” We need to worry about getting out of here in one piece and we are getting out of here in one piece. Besides, you’re still sorry for the wrong thing.’

Frustration rolled over Starsky. He couldn’t help it. Did Hutch want him to lie to him? He wasn’t sorry that the men who killed Hutch were dead. Starsky’s most important job was protecting Hutch and he failed that day. And if he couldn’t protect him, he would make the people who hurt him pay. But, tonight he had no intention of failing Hutch.

‘Please,’ Hutch’s soft voice cut through the night. ‘Get back in the cellar.’

‘This again? I already told you no!’

‘I’ll be alright. I have a plan.’

Hutch carefully stood, making sure he was concealed by the wall. He reached down for Starsky’s hand with a pleading look in his eyes. Starsky wavered and took his outstretched hand and allowed himself to lead him back to the cellar.

‘Splitting up is a bad idea,’ he continued to protest even as he climbed back down into the trap room. ‘We should wait it out together.’

‘If they find us, then we’re trapped. We’ll have no cover and our ammo will be gone too fast. So, one of us needs to hide in the ceiling just above the trap room to cover the other.’

Hutch seemed pleased with his plan. But, Starsky knew better. He saw through Hutch’s reassuring smile. He wasn’t sure it would work.

‘And why does that someone have to be you?’ He stopped descending halfway down the old, creaking steps.

‘Because, you’re concussed.’ Hutch reached a hand down to gently run through Starsky’s curls.

Starsky jerked his head away, which was a mistake. He saw stars as another wave of intense pain rolled over him.

He did his best not to let Hutch see his distress. He wasn’t comforted or amused by Hutch’s words or actions. He was treating him like someone who couldn’t handle themself and needed protection. That wasn’t how they worked. When they weren’t working together, that’s when things fell apart. When they fell out of sync, everything went wrong.

Again, he drifted back to that day. He’d been so irritable the whole day. He no longer remembered why. He was tightly wound and eager to get the whole thing over with. Hutch had been calm and worried about him. That was a laugh. Worried about him when Hutch was the one who was going to be in the line of fire. Hutch didn’t bite back at any of the sarcastic barbs Starsky had fired at him, as he’d normally be all too happy to do. He’d taken all of Starsky’s venom with unusually good humor. He’d just told him to be careful and then he was gone.

‘You want me to just sit down here and do nothing while you’re exposed? You’d never go for that if things were reversed.’

Hutch dropped his arm. ‘I’m not exposed. I’m not taking more of a risk than you. I’ll be hiding too. Just in a different spot. If they find you, I’ll have your back. If they find me, you’ll have mine. Dawn isn’t long from now. Just a couple more hours until help gets here.’

They didn’t know that for certain either. But, they left it unsaid and tried to believe that it was true. That the cavalry would ride in with the rising sun and save them.

All too soon, Starsky watched Hutch climb onto the desk. From there, it only took him a few seconds to remove a ceiling panel. He hoisted himself up and offered Starsky one last smile before replacing the panel and disappearing, like he had never been there at all. Starsky quickly shut the door in his own hiding spot and was engulfed in darkness.

He slipped down to the bottom of the stairs and onto the crooked floor, breathing heavily and letting his emotions grip him for just a moment. Something skittered across the floor. Starsky trained his flashlight on toward the sound. A small scorpion appeared to be trying to find his way out of the basement. Starsky took one step back and watched it. Its pinchers moved slowly but his legs moved in quick spurts, running into the wall and then back again. Its stinger looked swollen, almost like a drop of water was stuck to the end of it. Starsky hadn’t paid much attention in science class and didn’t know if he was dealing with a particularly dangerous variety or not.

Before he could think too long on it, he heard footsteps coming into the building. He shut off his flashlight and grabbed his gun firmly in his hands. One set, then two, and then three. Three people. Those odds weren’t terrible. They’d beaten worse than that plenty of times. He quieted his breathing as the footsteps broke off from each other. Two of them headed down the opposite way of where he and Hutch had taken refuge. The third headed right toward them. Starsky cocked his gun and hoped it wouldn’t be heard. The steps slowed once the person entered the room. They became more deliberate. Whoever it was, was searching for them. Starsky held his breath.

The footsteps stopped right above him. Nothing happened for a moment that stretched on into eternity. Time was frozen and so was Starsky. Then all at once, everything began to move. The door was lifting. He was about to be discovered. He lifted his weapon. Moonlight poured over him and he was face to face with a shadow.

Before he could fire or even twitch a muscle, a gunshot pierced through the night. At first, Starsky was certain that he’d been shot. He prepared himself for a familiar shock of pain. Instead, the man in the shadows staggered and the door fell shut. Hutch must have gotten him. He heard the other two rushing down the hall and he made for the door so he could back up Hutch.

It wouldn’t open. He tried again. This time, it moved a couple of inches before slamming back down again. He pushed with all of his dwindling strength but whatever was blocking the door wasn’t giving.

Suddenly, gunfire erupted all above him. Too many shots to count and seeming to come from all directions. Instinctively, he moved away from the door and covered himself as best he could in a corner. He had no way of knowing what was happening up top. Bullets shot through the floor, letting slivers of light in. Dust and debris fell on him but he wasn’t hit. Somehow, he wasn’t hit.

At last, the shooting stopped. He waited for a moment, for footsteps, voices, anything. But, there was nothing. He slowly stood from his crouched position and quickly brushed himself off. He rushed back toward the door, nearly falling on the crooked steps. He spotted the scorpion, dead and curled on its back. He regarded it for a moment before trying the door again.

It still wouldn’t budge. He wanted to call for Hutch. But, he knew that it would only bring back unwanted attention to them. If Hutch had finished them, he’d be getting him out of the dark, dank cellar. If Hutch were at all able, he’d be there with him.

This thought and worry propelled him on. He pushed again. His muscles quivered with exhaustion. Sweat ran down his face and his head screamed at him to stop. He took a deep breath and gave it all he had. It opened.

Starsky cautiously poked his head out with his gun drawn in front of him. The room was empty. Empty and destroyed. He climbed out of the basement. There was a body on the floor. He could immediately tell from the dark head of hair that it wasn’t Hutch. That must have been what was blocking the door. He kneeled down and checked for a pulse. The man was dead. He rolled him over to get a better look at him. He could see that his hair was red and freckles mottled his slack face. It was the man from earlier. The deputy who had greeted them when they first arrived. Starsky shook his head.

He spotted the man’s gun, only a .22, and picked it up. He checked it and to his relief found that the clip was full. He put it in his holster and kept his own gun at the ready.

He eased himself toward the open door. His gun in front of him, he went out into the dark hallway. He looked left and right. It was empty. He couldn’t hear voices or footsteps. He didn’t know which way to go. Whichever way he picked could mean life or death for him and for Hutch. His gut told him to head deeper into the station’s interior. He moved as swiftly as his aching head would allow.

Then something in the air changed. He felt he wasn’t alone. He froze. There was no extra shadow, no sounds of breathing, but he knew there was someone behind him. Not Hutch, or he would have let him know.

He placed his finger against the trigger and whirled around just as the shape of a man fired on him. He squeezed the trigger and the shape in front of him dropped, groaning, to the floor.

Starsky kneeled by him, kicking the man’s gun out of his reach. The man clutched at the blooming red spot on his chest and struggled for breath. Starsky grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up.

‘Are you Ryker,’ he demanded.

The fading man weakly shook his head.

‘Where’s my partner? Huh? Where is he?’

The man’s eyes began to roll back in his head. Starsky shook him and slapped his cheek.

‘Tell me where he is!’

Those dying eyes, looking pure black in the blue night, managed to focus on Starsky for a moment. His mouth worked around, trying to find words. The lips stained with blood almost smiled. He whispered, ‘killer.’

Starsky reeled back just as the man went limp. He touched his neck for a pulse. It wasn’t there. Starsky laid the body back down. Staring at him for a moment, blood began to drip on his face. At the same time, Starsky felt a burning pain. His left arm. He looked down at it. His jacket was ripped and blood oozed out from it. Just a graze but it was beginning to hurt like a son of a bitch.

While still distracted by his arm, he was ambushed by another man who tackled him flat.

‘You bastard! Killer! Murderer! You killed my brother. You’ve killed my friends! I am gonna make you pay. I’ll make you wish you’d never put on a badge!’

Starsky fought him as best he could. He guessed the man was Ryker. He was strong and Starsky’s injuries slowed him. His gun had been knocked out of his hand. He lashed out, his hand striking Rkyer’s nose. In turn, Ryker dug his thumb into Starsky’s wounded arm. Pain shot through him and he screamed.

He bucked his hips and Ryker was thrown off balance. He fell into the wall and Starsky crawled out from under him. He reached for the .22 he had pulled off the dead kid but Ryker recovered fast. He kicked Starsky back on his back and pulled his own weapon.

Starsky scrambled up and ran as fast as his unsteady legs would carry him down the hall. Shots fired behind him but he kept moving. He dove into the room at the end of the hall and slammed the door behind him.

Trying to catch his breath, he checked himself for any new injuries and thankfully found that he’d been spared.

Ryker’s crazed voice floated through the door.

‘Detective! You’re not getting out! And don’t count on your partner’s help either! I’ve taken care of him just like you took care of my brother!’

Starsky’s heart stopped. His mind tried to tell him that Ryker was lying. But, his heart wouldn’t listen. He felt that same panic and pain swirling around inside of him as he’d felt that day. That day that he’d crossed the line. It overwhelmed him. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. What mattered if Hutch was gone?

‘But, don’t worry. You’ll be with him soon. I won’t let you get away with it. Bet you wish you didn’t bring him down with you! His blood’s on your hands, not mine! He’s dead because of you!’

A sob bubbled up from inside of him. It was a raw, painful sound that Starsky almost couldn’t believe was from him. He couldn’t breathe. He was all alone. No backup. No partner. No anything.

He collapsed against the wall next to the door. Blood was pounding in his ears. His head ached, unbearably. Hot tears streamed down his face. His stomach rebelled and he retched until the meager contents were spilled on the aged tile floor.

He had to find Hutch. He had to. Ryker was lying or wrong or something. He just had to get to Hutch.

He tried to get to his feet and stumbled, dizzy. He grabbed onto the doorknob to steady himself and pull himself upright. His vision blurred. He threw open the door. It wasn’t dark anymore. There was a faint glow and it was hot.

Immediately, he was choking on smoke. It nearly brought him to his knees. A growing roar invaded his ears. Fire. That maniac had set the place on fire. His eyes stung and started to water. He could barely see in front of him. He felt around with his hands. His fingers probed the wall. His feet struggled to propel his body forward.

He shuffled along, praying that he’d somehow find Hutch. He didn’t know where Ryker was and there wasn’t much he could do if he decided to attack him now. The heat was rising. He shed his jacket and kept going. He could hear the flames crackling around him, but he couldn’t see them. He was nearly blind.

Between the pain in his head and the smoke in his lungs, he wanted to lie down and give up. He couldn’t take a full breath. He coughed until he thought he’d suffocate. He used all his will power to go on. He felt confused. He wasn’ sure if he was going the right direction. He didn’t know where in the building he was anymore. The smoke and disorientation made it impossible to tell. He wanted to shout for Hutch but it was all he could do to take in any amount of air. Had the hallway been this long the whole time? It seemed to stretch on forever in front of him. Every muscle hurt.

Starsky dropped to his knees and sucked in clearer air. Then he began to crawl. His mind flashed with images of Hutch. Hutch smiling, laughing, and crying. Hutch holding him. Hutch looking at him like a stranger. No, worse than that. Looking at him like he looked at any one of the scum they chased down on the streets everyday.

And then walking away from him in disappointment. Was it his memory or his nightmares? Or was Hutch really there in the smoke, leaving him to be consumed by the flames?

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to regain some sense of balance. He could finally see the door to the lobby coming into view as he pressed forward. He reached his hand up and patted the metal handle. It was still cool to the touch. He opened it and stumbled into the empty lobby.

There was still smoke in the air but it was wafting out of the shattered front window. The moonlight made it stand out while it drifted into the night.

With all his strength, Starsky made it to the window and climbed out, unconcerned with whether or not the jagged shards of glass were cutting him. It crunched under his feet as he tried to put some distance between himself and the burning station.

Finally, the air cleared and Starsky fell. He sucked in huge, gulping breaths while his body jerked on the desert floor. He stared up at the sky, watching as the smoke drifted up and up until it vanished among the stars. They winked and blinked at him and filled him with a calm. Slowly, his body settled. It would have been so easy to give in to the darkness that was pulling him down. He could barely even hear the cracks and pops of the burning building anymore. The noise faded into a kind of twisted melody. His heartbeat relaxed in his chest. His eyes fluttered. He could think of nothing else but his desire to sleep.

Something broke through his strange lullaby. A sound that he’d know anywhere. The click of a gun being cocked. He opened his eyes. He was staring down the barrel of a gun.

His eyes followed up and he was unsurprised to see Ryker at the other end of it. The man was drenched in sweat. Dirt and soot were smeared on his face. The flames reflected and danced in his crazed eyes. He was trembling.

‘Get up, detective.’

Starsky discreetly grabbed a fistful of sand before complying. He rose to his wobbly knees and then up on shaking feet.

Ryker continued. ‘Who do you think you are? You get to be the heroes and we’re lower than dirt. Why? Just because you’ve got a badge? You think that protects you from being a murderer? You think you’re any better than me? Or my brother? Pig!’

Ryker spat at him. Starsky relived the moment again. He saw himself pulling the trigger and the car exploding. He could still feel the blast of heat that swept over him. And worst of all, he remembered his cruel satisfaction at ending their lives.

‘I’m gonna put you down like an animal just like you put my brother down.’

Starsky threw the sand in Ryker’s face. The gun went off but the shot was wild. Starsky lunged at his tormentor, tackling him back to the ground. They wrestled for the gun. The jumping flames cast strange shadows, making it difficult to see what was going on or where Ryker was moving. He was running on the very last of his adrenaline. Ryker grabbed at his face. Starsky bit down on his hand and the man screamed.

Starsky rolled over and scanned for the gun while Ryker cradled his bleeding hand. The black metal of the gun gleamed in the light and Starsky crawled over to it. Finally, he had it in his hands. He swung around and aimed at Ryker just as the other man had regained his senses.

Ryker froze. Fear splashed across his face briefly. Then he laughed and dropped to his knees.

Starsky scrambled to his feet. Ryker moved toward him, facing the gun with frightening defiance.

‘Do it. Why not? You’d get away with it again. You always will. All of you. You all get to decide who lives and who dies. Ain’t that right?’

Starsky didn’t move. He was caught in his own indecision.

‘Come on. What’s it going to take, cop? Do you want to know how I killed your partner? He didn’t see it coming, if it helps. I came up behind him and blew a hole in the back of his pretty blond head. Tore his face up real good when it came out the other side. You won’t even recognize him when you find him.’

A sob escaped his mouth. He was lying. He was goading him. But, if that were true, where was Hutch? The building was engulfed and his partner was nowhere to be seen. If he could have gotten out, he would have. He would never have left him. Ryker murdered him. Because of Starsky. Fury, grief, and shame warred in his mind.

He wanted to kill. Anyone who hurt Hutch didn’t deserve mercy. Hutch was his responsibility. His most sacred responsibility. And if he failed to protect him, he had to avenge him.

His finger twitched over the trigger. Tears fell from his eyes. A pain he’d always feared but never really known before now squeezed his chest. Hutch would hate him. But, Hutch was gone.

He saw a tear drop from Ryker’s eye. Did the man hurt as badly as he did? When he found out his brother had been killed? Where would the cycle stop? And what would Hutch say to him? When Starsky had stared down Prudholm, he’d faced a similar dilemma. And he couldn’t honestly say that he wouldn’t have killed him if Hutch hadn’t been there. He’d never have been able to put a bullet in Prudholm’s head right in front of Hutch. He knew it even then.

In taking his revenge the first time, he’d hurt Hutch. He’d lost him in so many ways. It’s not what he would want. The only way to honor him was to acknowledge that. If Hutch was gone, if his world was over, then there was only one choice to make.

He pushed his pain back as far as he could before he spoke.

‘Get on your stomach,’ he ordered.

Ryker blinked in surprise. Starsky kicked him on his back and flipped him over. He grabbed his cuffs from his back pocket and secured him. On his knees over Ryker, he took a deep breath and tried to make his voice as strong as possible.

‘You’re under arrest for the murder,’ his voice cracked. ‘The murder of Detective Kenneth Hutchinson. The attempted murder for me. Arson. Breaking and entering. And about six other things I can’t think of right now!’

He had just stood when the world shattered again. He was thrown back by the blast of the building. When he hit the dirt again, he didn’t bother fighting the blackness. The last thing he saw was Hutch’s face.

******

He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be if he hurt this much. The pain in his head forcibly pulled him back to consciousness. His eyes opened to a bright fluorescent ceiling that was far too close. He closed them again. Where the hell was he now?

He tried to remember. He saw Ryker in his mind, sneering at him. Taunting him with Hutch. Saying he’d killed Hutch. He turned over and threw up. He gripped the first thing he felt, some kind of metal bar. He vomited up bile. There was nothing left in his stomach. The nausea came in waves. The pain was physical and emotional. His head hurt. His heart hurt. Hutch was gone.

Suddenly, he felt a soothing hand in his hair. It stroked his curls and drifted down to rub gentle circles on his back. He whined and leaned into the touch.

‘It’s okay, Starsk. You’re gonna be okay now.’

That voice. That voice that always centered him. That voice that he knew by heart and loved more than any other sound in the world. He forced his eyes back open. Everything was spinning. He saw the floor with his sick splattered all over it. He tried to turn over but his body protested and he collapsed again.

‘Hey. Don’t try to move. You’ve got a hell of a concussion.’

Starsky flapped his hand in the air. Hutch grabbed it and held it tightly. He felt more tethered to the world with their hands clasped.

‘I need to see you,’ he slurred.

He was helpless to move. He felt whatever he was lying on shift. And Hutch was gently easing him back onto his back. Hutch’s free hand held his face.

Starsky fought his tired body and focused on Hutch. Beautiful, luminous, alive Hutch. He looked a little worse for wear but he was upright and smiling at him. Starsky let out a choked sigh.

‘Oh, God. He said he’d killed you.’

Hutch shook his head. ‘He didn’t. Knocked me out pretty good though. But, I’m all right. I promise. You’re the one who’s been through it tonight, Gordo.’

‘What happened?’

‘I’m not sure. I came to and the place was on fire. I couldn’t find you and I couldn’t really see or breathe. Somehow, I ended up outside before the whole thing blew. Then, I found you out cold. Ryker was cuffed and squirming. I guess someone saw the flames because the cavalry was here soon after that.’

‘And Ryker?’

‘In custody. He’s not gonna hurt you anymore.’

‘More worried about you, dummy. Are we at the hospital?’

‘We will be soon. You’re in an ambulance. Dobey’s gonna meet us at the nearest hospital out here.’

‘Aww, Dobey’s gonna meet us all the way out here? I told ya he was an old softie.’

Hutch laughed for a moment and then his smile faded and he looked thoughtful.

‘He said he killed me?’

‘Yeah,’ he answered shortly. He didn’t want to think about that anymore.

‘And you didn’t kill him?’

‘No. I didn’t kill him.’

Hutch squeezed his hand a little tighter. ‘Why not?’

‘Because I can’t stand the way you look at me now. Ever since the thing with Collandra. And I just kept thinking that I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help what I did because of what I was feeling. But, then tonight, I stopped. Which means that I was lying to myself and I could help it the last time.’

Hutch leaned down and pressed their foreheads together.

‘Yeah, you stopped. Because you’re a good man. You’re the man I always knew you were. It’s okay, Starsk.’

Starsky shook his head. ‘Help me sit up.’

‘I think you should just lie back.’

‘Come on. I ain’t dying today. Help me up.’

Hutch eased his arm under Starsky’s shoulders and lifted him so that he was sitting up. He kept his arm wrapped firmly around him. Starsky peered out the open back door of the ambulance they were in.

Hutch hadn’t been lying when he said the cavalry had arrived. The fire department was busy with the station. The flames were mostly out. There were several black and whites in the lot. Paramedics were on standby too.

Starsky caught the eye of Ryker, who was sitting in the back of one of the cruisers. He looked at him with fury. Starsky couldn’t even bring himself to care. Hutch was safe. He hadn’t had to pay for Starsky’s actions. That was all that mattered.

Starsky leaned into Hutch and sighed when his partner’s arms circled him and pulled him as close as he could. He let his eyes drift shut again and basked in the feel of Hutch’s body so close to his. Hutch’s heart beat against him and it was everything he needed.

‘I thought he’d got you too, you know. When I got out of the fire, I thought you had to have still been in there. And I’d left you. Then I found you and you were on the ground, not moving. I couldn’t wake you up. And I thought…Starsk, for a moment I thought if you were dead, I’d kill him.’

Starsky didn’t speak. Just listened to his partner unburden himself.

Hutch laughed without humor, ‘he was lying there handcuffed, completely helpless and I would have killed him anyway.’

Starsky shook his head. He didn’t know if Hutch was trying to make him feel better or if he was telling the truth, but either way, he rejected it.

‘You wouldn’t have. Not you. Not the white knight.’

He felt Hutch shrug. ‘Maybe not. The point is that I don’t know. I could have. Part of me wanted to.’

‘You don’t have to do this.’

‘I want to tell you the truth, Starsk. I don’t like what’s happened to us anymore than you do. And I’m telling you now that I understand. The reaction. That instinct and need for revenge so strong that you can’t even think about anything else.’

Starsky didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want Hutch ruining himself just to make them equal. He didn’t want him lowering himself to his level. He pulled back, ignoring his body’s protests, to look Hutch in the eye.

‘It’s okay if you don’t know what you would have done. Because I do. You would have read him his rights. Then put him in jail. Testified against him honestly. And lived with whatever the outcome was. Because you’re a good cop. You’re a good person. And you trusted me to be the same and I let you down.’

Hutch brushed a hand through Starsky’s curls. His eyes were beginning to well up.

‘Not tonight, you didn’t. You showed you can do the right thing, no matter what you’re feeling.’

‘It doesn’t make up for what I did.’

‘Maybe not. But, we can move on from it. We can move forward. I’m so sorry I’ve been shutting you out. That wasn’t the right way to deal with it.’

Starsky could have kissed him. Hutch was telling him everything he’d wanted to hear over the last few weeks. The trouble was that he was saying it after they’d both almost been killed because of what Starsky had done.

‘I love you,’ he blurted.

Hutch graced him with a loving smile. He leaned in and brought their foreheads together once more.

‘I love you too, dummy.’

Starsky chuckled and his own eyes filled with tears. He wanted so badly to move on and put it all behind them. But, he knew now, he knew if they truly had a chance then he had to face it. All of it.

‘So, that’s why I’m gonna tell the truth at the hearing.’

Hutch pulled back. His serene smile was gone.

‘Starsky, no. All I wanted was for you to realize what you did was wrong and to know you wouldn’t do it again. And I know that now.’

‘No, you don’t. This was one night. One incident. You can’t know how I’ll react the next time or the time after that.’

‘I don’t want you to lose your badge or worse, face prison time.’

‘I think that’s the worst case scenario,’ he said, looking away.

Hutch gently guided his face back to look at him. ‘But it is still a scenario,’ he insisted. ‘You can’t. I won’t allow it.’

It was Starsky’s turn to comfort Hutch. He squeezed his hand and stroked his thumb across the back of it. He pulled it up to kiss his knuckles.

‘I’m sorry. It’s not your choice, blondie.’

‘No, it’s our choice. Me and thee, remember?’

‘I do. I should have always remembered it. I made the choice to kill those men. Reaction or not, it was all me. You paid for it. I’m not gonna let you pay anymore.’

Hutch was getting frantic. ‘If you go away, even if you don’t go to prison, even if you just can’t be a cop anymore, I’ll pay for that. Telling the truth, it’s just too risky.’

He was right. But, it was a risk that Starsky had to take. It was his soul on the line. And maybe it was beyond saving, but Hutch’s wasn’t.

‘I know and I’m sorry. I’d give anything to take it back, but I don’t want you to lie for me. And I don’t want you to cover for me. I don’t want you to start down that road. Not even for me.’

Hutch held a shaking hand to Starsky’s cheek. His thumb gently rubbed across the bone under the soft skin.

‘You know I would do anything to protect you. Like you would for me. I’m not afraid of that now.’

Starsky covered Hutch’s hand with his own. ‘I know you’d do anything. But, I don’t want you to. Like you didn’t want me to kill for you. And this? Me telling the truth? This is me protecting you. It’s protecting us both. I can save us both by doing this. Save us in a way that counts. I don’t want nothing tearing us apart and this will. Sooner or later. This is the only way. This is the right way and you know it is.’

A tear escaped Hutch’s eye. He bowed his head and let out a pained sob. He shook his head. Starsky put his hand on the nape of Hutch’s neck and pulled him to his chest.

‘Come on, blintz. It’s not gonna be as bad as all that.’

He rested his forehead on the back of Hutch’s head. His breath gently moved the dirty blonde locks.

‘But, I need you there with me,’ he told Hutch.

Hutch moved away from him, leaving Starsky bereft of his warmth.

‘There’s nowhere else I’d be,’ he promised.

‘Thanks, partner. It’ll be okay. I promise.’

Hutch nodded and attempted a watery smile.

‘Are you sure you’re not just saying all this because you’ve got a head injury?’

Starsky laughed and sank down until his head was resting under Hutch’s chin. He smiled at the rise and fall of his chest and the beating of his heart. They were alive. That was enough to be grateful for. Everything else would work out one way or another.

He looked down at the desert floor. The blue was fading into a soft pink. The sun was rising. The night was over. The sun was just beginning to climb out over the horizon. The stars were disappearing from the sky. Starsky had never been so happy to see the sun rise.

‘I’m sure, Hutch. I’m sure.’

Hutch’s arms tightened around him. Their future was uncertain but they were together and Starsky wasn’t afraid.