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Chapter Text

With his brothers shouting his name in unison, the youngest turtle flinches, knowing that, once again, his loud mouth had cost the mission. Even after the fight's over, and they've saved the day, the glares sent his way sting, even though he knows it's deserved. He tries to stay out of their way for the rest of the night, even skipping dinner once it's made in order to hide in his room. To hide his shame.

See? I said that I'd fail again, so tell me the score, how many more til I give in? See? The scars that are tearing apart my skin within, although I'm trying so hard .

"Dude, that was totally sporadic!"

"That's not what that word means, Mikey."

So what if he wasn't the smartest? He was still the cutest turtle of the team. And he could be serious, if he really wanted to be!

"It's like he doesn't even try! It's like he's doing it on purpose. Mikey's never known how to take things seriously a day in his life!" Overhearing those words, though not meant for him to hear, is a direct and gutting blow. Because he did try, that was the thing. He'd tried so hard, just to fit the mould they wanted him in, what Leo wanted him in. But it never worked when he tried to be them, so being himself was his only option.

But then they rejected that too.

See? I said I'm the dummy again, so looking away, getting better at pretend. See? They lie all about me and I know nobody wanted me for all of my life.

In the quiet of the night, all alone in his room, Mikey cries. Rejection and loneliness threaten to cave his heart in, where cracks had started to form and ooze bitter blood.

His head threatened to explode, exhaustion a wave that toppled him over with every smile he forced himself to grace. It wasn't real, none of it was anymore.

Why was he here? Why did he stay?

Bear your fangs now, hurting inside. Bear the pain, but, starting to cry. Barely breathing, begging to finally die.

They shout at him and all he hears is 'loser.' 'A failure.' Shouting that they don't want him there. Even if he got something right, the glow of accomplishment never lasted for long.

He just wanted them to love him, like they did when they were kids. When they didn't have so much on their shoulders, where everything was simple. But now they were so far away, he was so far away. He would smile and say 'I'm fine,' and they never dared to question it. They barely spared him a second glance.

Maybe if I smiled more, they'd have to love me, right?

Raph letting his temper boil over was becoming commonplace, to the point Mikey thought maybe he really deserved it. But a spike of fear wasn't easily overridden, and he found himself avoiding his red banded brother when it seemed something could potentially tick him off. Out of the splash zone, so to speak.

He saw his brothers outside of patrols and missions a lot less, vacating a room when he thought they were coming. Even his heart to hearts with Ice Cream Kitty were becoming sparse, as getting to the kitchen meant crossing the threshold of the lair. It meant he was somewhere where he couldn't lock a door, and that was becoming something sacred.

See? I said, getting scratches again, so tell me the score, how many more til I give in? See? The scars, bleeding out from my heart, they never stop, although I'm trying so hard.

They never listened to him, but of course they didn't. Even to himself, he started to cringe from his inner dialogue spilling out. So, if he tried to fade nicely into the background, into a perfectly painted picture, that was no one's business but his own.

Even so, he had his moments. His impulses were just that; impulsive. Involuntary, though it mattered little. When a remark he made unthinkingly brushed over a sore spot of his brothers, it was a smack to the arm or a bop to the head for him. And it didn't hurt physically, mostly, but he splintered just a little more with fear.

See? I said, that I'm quiet again so hiding it well, like nothing had happened. See? They lie, all about me and I know I'll bear the pain, take a beating, it's all fine.

Mikey let himself fall behind the others, winded for more reasons than one. He could feel his chest constrict, as he stood at the edge of a building, watching the city streets below. A fuzzy haze blanketed his mind. Calling, beckoning. He felt he had so little control over his own body, wondering absently what it felt like to free fall.

Gasping for air and sway side to side, feeling so useless, blurring my mind. I couldn't breathe, there's nothing inside this time.

He looks up at the night sky, where he'd hoped stars would be. A boundless nothingness stared back at him, and his hands clenched into fists.

Still I wonder, "Why was I born? And why am I alive?"

"Mikey, are you coming?"

The orange banded turtle turned, that smile he once held naturally streaking onto his face like smudged paint.

Maybe if I smiled well. They'd have to love me, right?

They knew of alternate universes. Had come into contact with them, even. Even if he was stupid, even if his attention span was that of a goldfish like they always said, he knew what it meant.

Infinite possibilities. Lives lead that he would never have, lives where maybe things were different. Lives where they hadn't all been torn apart and reassembled as a 'perfect team,' where they were just kids.

Was that simply never in the cards for this Mikey, in this universe? Would some other Mikey have what he always wanted, what he always craved?

Were they happy?

God In Heaven, if I were reborn someday and if there's another life ahead, can I be a girl that's loved? That's all that I've wanted.

Mikey waits until the lair is quiet, and all is still. That perfect little subspace where he could slip through undetected. He'd paid close attention, in spite of their expectations, and learned their routines. Really, he could do it when it truly mattered.

And this moment mattered. So, so much.

Crying out until I hear my heart sing me to bed. Surely, by the morning, I can smile once again?

He finds somewhere far enough, and gets a good look at the city that never sleeps. Somewhere, right then, someone was feeling exactly what he was feeling. But unlike them, he was willing to go out and do something about it.

Mikey gets rid of everything. His nunchaku, his Hamato clan stars. He rids himself of his bandana, holding it tightly in one fist, and shedding himself of his title. He would be lifted of this burden, spare the others one more painful moment of his idiocy. He didn't deserve these, not anymore.

He steps up to the ledge, still not letting go of his bandana. Perhaps he was scared to, perhaps he wanted to cement the Mikey he was letting go.

His mind was quiet. For once, because it truly mattered, didn't it?

Then Mikey fell.

To my failure of a life, Goodnight, this is the end.

Chapter Text

Two hands, one desperately holding onto the other, slipping. A string thought fated to snap, braided into unrelenting rope.

Two brothers stare, one in disbelief, the other in agony. In a sea of nothingness, a boy with russet eyes reached out and offered a buoy.

"Mikey," he whispers brokenly, "Mikey." A voice laced with panic. "Don't you dare let go of my hand."

Living alone in a world of your own, looking in from the outside.

The lifeboat trembles and wavers; it was not meant to hold a burden this strong. But it holds on anyway. It wouldn't fail him again.

No one's aware of your curious stare that you put on to get by.

"Take my other hand," Donnie pleads, reaching it down. "Mikey, please." But Mikey can't help but stare.

Even when he tried his best to be thorough, he still failed.

He laughed at first, still dangling. It was funny, hilarious even. Even trying to die, he still failed.

Then his laughter stuttered, and he started to cry. Long, hard sobs, drawn from the very depth of his broken heart. It wasn't supposed to go like this, he was supposed to be free.

But I see you. Yes, I see you. And it's alright.

Donnie begged him again, and this time there was nothing to do but comply. He let himself be dead weight, lifted and dragged back over the edge and onto the roof once more. And then, all of a sudden, he was being embraced. His breath was stolen from his chest, as the light had been stolen from Donnie's eyes. He held his only little brother tight, never letting go.

When you are free, you run wild to the sea. Only you hear the birds cry.

Mikey was all confusion, tears still flowing, but the ragged sobbing abated. His brother held him like a lifeline, in a way he hasn't felt in a long time.

"Dee?" He calls hesitantly, arms hanging limp at his sides. His brother holds him tighter.

"Mikey."

Nobody knows why your heart ebbs and flows. You're just trying to get by.

Shame. Shame, guilt, and regret all rose to the purple banded turtle's mind.

"I'm sorry," spills out, his voice trembling. "I'm sorry I missed it. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you had to handle it on your own. I'm sorry, Michelangelo."

But I see you. Yes, I see you.

"And it's alright, if you need some time. It's alright, if you want to cry. It's alright to want to be loved." Regret. Regret, guilt, and shame.

Because Mikey's dam breaks.

His arms finally come up to reciprocate his hug, holding on so tightly that speaks of too many times he'd needed it and never gotten it. He holds on to Donnie as his lifeline, as the other had already been doing the moment he pulled him up. The older brother had an armful, and he had no regrets in letting the sobbing wash over him. He needed to hear it, needed to understand how his little brother has been hurting.

Run far and wide to a place you can hide, where you're safe on the inside.

It's just the two of them, and the city that never sleeps.

The sky is deceptively void, hiding away its beauty. But Donnie knows they're there, and knows Mikey looks for them too.

But Donnie has his brother in his arms, safe, and the city lights are their guiding light.

When had his brother become as void as a night sky in the city? When had his light dimmed?

Look at the stars, see that's just what you are. Show the world how your light shines.

The two hold each other for an impossibly long time. His brother cries himself asleep, and even then, Donnie holds him for a little longer. He listens for his heartbeat, memorizing its pattern.

But I see you. Yes, I see you.

It only takes one alert sent from the t-phone to summon the eldest two, reaching them with wide panic and stark pain. They see how tears darken Donnie's mask, how he holds their youngest tight, and it takes very little explaining to get it through to their heads.

Because maybe they'd seen it, but they hadn't wanted to. Hadn't wanted to see beyond their own mess, and how its ripples reached Mikey like a tidal wave, drowning him out over and over.

Guilt. Guilt, regret, and shame.

They take their youngest brother home, and it's with humility adorning their faces that they realize there's healing to do. Real reconciliation, for their brother to feel safe again.

And it's alright if you need some time. It's alright if you wanna cry. It's alright if you want to be loved.

Mikey is scared. Scared to talk to them, scared to open up. He evades questions, sidesteps their concern, and they can only hate themselves the more for it. Because how couldn't they, when they pushed their youngest brother so far away from them?

And it's alright if you need some time. It's alright if you wanna cry. It's alright if you want to be loved.

When Mikey finally smiles, really smiles, for the first time again, there are tears.

None of what happened was okay. But they were healing, and they had a resolve to never see the stars fade from Mikey's eyes again.

'Cause I see you. Yes, I see you.