Chapter Text
When Vax’ildan woke up, the sun was already setting in the sky. It had taken him a long time to fall asleep the previous night. He tossed and turned in bed for hours after Percy returned from the bar, and the first rays of sunlight peeked through the tiniest gap in the curtains. The fact that he had willingly been cold to Keyleth the previous night had already been enough to plant the seed of guilt inside him, but hearing her crying in her room made him feel more guilty than he had ever felt. Vax ran the events of last night in his mind as he lay awake in bed, wondering what was the best course of action. On the one hand, he wanted to give Keyleth room for her to gather her thoughts, and he knew how important the midterms were to her, so he also didn’t want to distract her any further. However, on the other hand, isolating himself from her would probably hurt her – and him – even more. Vax was at an impasse. He figured there was nothing he could do that day since most of it was already over, so he stayed in his bedroom for the rest of the evening and night, only coming out to use the bathroom and eat.
Vax was surprised when he woke up to no new notifications on his phone the following morning. He assumed that his sister would have been at least slightly concerned and texted him, but there were no new messages. Not even from Keyleth, which he already expected, but still hurt. The apartment was unusually quiet, which could be due to him having woken up late in the morning when everyone was already out and about, so Vax took some time to slowly shower and eat breakfast before he returned to his room with a groan from the prospect of having to study. It wasn’t until later in the afternoon, when Vex’ahlia let herself in his room without knocking, that Vax finally took a break.
“You’re alive, brother,” She said casually, slumping onto Vax’s bed.
Vax turned his chair to look at her, pointing at the books opened on his desk, and he said, “Alive is relative when midterms start tomorrow.”
“So that’s what you’ve been doing?” Vex crossed her legs and cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Studying? Yes. Have you?”
“So you haven’t been avoiding a certain redhead?”
“What do you want, Vex’ahlia?”
“I’m just checking on you, brother,” She shrugged. Vax didn’t believe her. His sister had questions he didn’t have the answers for, and he knew she wouldn’t go away until she was satisfied.
“I’m alright. I’ve been eating and resting. And focusing on studying whenever I’m awake. We have a lot at risk, and I will not jeopardize our safety.”
“And Keyleth? She was studying at the library by herself today.”
“We cannot afford distractions right now, sister.” He cocked an eyebrow at her in return. He knew she had been studying with Percy lately. “I must ask you to please let me study now.”
Vex nodded, but something in her demeanor changed, making Vax’s stomach feel like it was tied to a rock and sinking into the ocean. Vex’ahlia had something heavy in her mind, something she wanted to say or perhaps ask. He couldn’t tell if it was related to Keyleth or the school. He knew he should just ask her, but, at the same time, Vax was afraid of what she would say, so he paid close attention to his sister, and that’s when he saw the signs of a nervous tick she hadn’t displayed in a while. Vax knew immediately what she was thinking and how much the subject affected her, so he braced himself before speaking.
“What’s on your mind, Vex’ahlia?”
Vex looked up at her brother, nervously biting her lip and fumbling with the hem of her shirt. She looked just as tired as he did.
“I’ve been thinking about–” She paused and looked down at her hands. “Velora,” she whispered. Vax’s heart raced in his chest as the image of the small girl came to his mind. “I’ve been wondering if she’s okay. If she’s safe.”
“I’m sure she is,” Vax ignored the knot forming in his throat. He hated hurting his sister, and more than that, he hated reminding her – both of them – how unwanted and hated they were by his father, but sometimes he had to do it, and this was one of those times. “Don’t forget she was wanted, unlike us. Syldor treats her differently. You know he provides for her.”
“I know,” Vex’s voice trembled as tears pooled in the corner of her eyes. “I just–I wished we could talk to her, tell her we haven’t forgotten about her. Tell her–” Vex wiped a tear with the sleeve of her shirt just as Vax joined her on the bed. “Tell her we love her very much, that she’s our sister, no matter what.”
Vax hugged his twin tightly, willing himself to be tough. He could tell Vex that Velora knew how much they loved her, that she knew they hadn’t forgotten her, but he would never lie to his sister like that. Velora was only a year old when they left Syngorn. The chances of her having any memories of the twins were probably now sullied by their father’s words, who, undoubtedly, had spewed many lies about their departure.
“I’m sorry,” Vax whispered, rubbing the back of Vex’s head. “I’m sorry I can’t do anything to ease your pain.”
“Vax, no.” Vex’ahlia grabbed her brother’s face with both hands and looked at him with her eyes shining with tears. “None of this is your fault, brother. It’s Syldor’s.”
“I just… I don’t want to fail her too.”
“You haven’t failed me, nor her. Vax, none of what happened is your fault. And don’t look at me like that,” Vex admonished him. “Sooner or later, something would have happened. I’m just glad we made it out alive,” she lowered her voice.
Vax nodded in agreement, wiping his tears with his sleeve, “Yeah. Me too.”
“You’re right. I’m sure Velora is fine. We need to look out for ourselves. So I’m going to let you go back to your books, and I’ll go back to mine,” Vex got up from his brother’s hold and walked to the door, pausing and turning before opening it. “Make sure you talk to Keyleth, will you? She looked miserable this morning.” And with that, she left, closing the door behind her.
Vax’s stomach twisted, making him feel like he was about to throw up. Keyleth was hurting because of him. Vex was hurting because of him. Velora could be hurting, too, because he wasn’t there to protect her like he protected Vex. A crushing weight settled on Vax’s shoulders as he laid down and rolled himself into a ball on his bed. He knew his priority should be passing the exams, but his heavy guilt overwhelmed him so much he couldn’t move. His body started tensing as his muscles locked, and his mind became a messy blur of thoughts. He knew he would regret it later, but at the moment, there was nothing else he could do but lie down and let the feeling pass.
Keyleth hadn’t seen Vax’ildan all weekend, so on Miresen morning, when the apartment door opened to reveal a sweaty and disheveled Vax as Keyleth waited for the coffee to brew in the kitchen, her heart almost leaped out of her chest. He was wearing a black t-shirt and shorts, and his hair was a mess in a ponytail, and Keyleth couldn’t help but blush at the sight of him. Vax hadn’t noticed her as his gaze was captivated by his phone, so he almost stumbled onto her. Keyleth willed herself to move out of his way, but it seemed like the message sent by her brain to her legs got lost somewhere between the stray beads of sweat traveling down the shapes of Vax’s arms and the lack of oxygen in her brain as Keyleth started to breathe faster. But fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on the perspective – Vax saw Keyleth just in time.
“Shit, sorry. Didn’t see you there,” He said, stopping right in front of her.
Keyleth’s blood pumped so loudly in her ears that she almost didn’t hear what Vax said. It took her a moment to realize he was talking to her, but finally, her body responded to her commands – now you get the message? – Her legs stopped shaking underneath her torso, allowing her to step back as she apologized to Vax, “No, I’m sorry. I was in the way.”
Vax gave her a short smile and moved to walk past her, but Keyleth, whose brain was still short-circuiting, blocked him instead of letting him through. They danced for a few seconds, Keyleth accidentally blocking Vax instead of letting him through until he finally grabbed her shoulders and stopped her, staring deep into her eyes. For a moment, Keyleth forgot about that night after the bar. She had his gaze again, and she allowed herself to hope. She took a cautious step closer to him and slowly raised her arms as her brain filled with the memories of the dozens of hugs they had shared before and how much she missed them. But then Vax pushed her gently aside and walked past her to grab a cup from the cabinet.
Keyleth’s heart stopped, and her eyes burned. She felt like a thousand tiny shards of glass were piercing her. It had been a long time since she felt like she needed to scream in agony, but she had to hold on as Vax filled a glass with water from the fridge. Vax’s back faced her in a way that symbolized much more than what it meant. All Keyleth could do to hold herself aloft at that moment was to place a hand on the island counter next to her and hope he would leave soon.
“Are you okay?” Keyleth almost believed the fake concern in Vax’s voice. She nodded in response, avoiding eye contact. Keyleth was scared she would start screaming if she spoke, so she didn’t open her mouth. “I need to get into the shower before Grog takes over the bathroom and uses all the hot water.”
Keyleth didn’t know whether it was true or an excuse to leave her alone – again – but she nodded nonetheless because what else could she do? Fall to her knees and cry? Beg him to stay when he clearly showed her he didn’t care about her anymore? Had he ever cared? All those weeks they spent together, all the talks and hugs. The soft touches and the meals they cooked. Did they mean anything to him at all? And Percy was so sure. Oh, how Keyleth wanted to scream at him – one of her best friends – for lighting the flame of hope inside her. She wanted to tell him how wrong he was and how much Vax had hurt her in ways she had never been hurt before.
She had been used before by people who had gotten close to her with second intentions in mind. People who wanted to use her to climb their way to a better goal, a better life. But this was different. Her friendship with Vax had felt real. She had felt safe with him. She had been herself. Was that the problem? Maybe Vax got tired of her and her issues. She couldn’t blame him. How many times had he found her crying on the floor? How many times had he gone out of his way to comfort her? And for what? She didn’t really do anything for him, did she?
Keyleth’s mother’s death had left a gaping hole in her, one she knew she would never fill. And yet, all these years later, after getting so used to the feeling of emptiness, she was not ready for this. Keyleth felt like her life force had been stolen from her. She felt like an empty shell of a human being, devoid of all emotion. Her thoughts were loud – screaming words she hadn’t heard in so long – about being unlovable and unworthy of happiness.
It wasn’t until Keyleth heard the faint signs of movement about the apartment and her roommates’ alarm clocks ringing to signal the first day of midterm exams that she realized she couldn’t allow herself to fall deeper into the hole. Keyleth had come to Emon to study, and she needed to focus on that. She had lived eighteen years without friends. Surely she could do another four until she got what she needed and returned home.
Except that Pike and Vex were good to her – although sometimes Vex gave her looks that made Keyleth feel like she was being evaluated for something she didn’t know about – and Percy was incredibly friendly and listened to her. Even Grog and Scanlan were nice once in a while. It was Vax who was hurting her, no one else. She didn’t have to stop being friends with everyone because Vax had broken her heart, did she? Even that sentence made her uncomfortable. How could Vax – her best friend – break her heart like this? Because that was all they were: friends . Nothing else, nothing more, and that was the only reason why it hurt so much. Because they had become close friends, they had trusted and comforted each other – or at least Keyleth had – in ways they had never trusted anyone before, and it wouldn’t hurt this much unless Keyleth really liked Vax as a friend , right?