Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Daddy?" Joel looked up at the sound of Sarah's voice. Broken glass was all around him, crunched metal surrounding his body like a cocoon. "D'ddy."

"Sarah? Sarah! Oh no. Oh no, baby girl. Nononono." Her small body was crumbled in what was once the back seat of the truck. Her leg was stuck- ankle twisted at an unnatural angle. And her once light purple shirt was now stained red with blood, coming from the piece of metal sticking out of her abdomen. 

"Hurts. Daddy." She whimpered, the sound sending an icy shock through Joel. 

"I know baby girl, I know. I'm gonna get you up, okay? I'm gonna get you up. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Stay with me, baby." Joel pleaded as he gathered his daughter in his hands, more gentle than the first day he held her in the hospital when she was born. 

Her breaths turned to small pants, eyes wide and panicked as her body tried and failed to suck on oxygen. "Nonono, hey. Baby girl, look at me. Look at me, you're okay. You're okay. Nonono. No!" 

"No!" Joel shouted, shooting up in his bed. His heart pounded in his chest as sweat dripped off of him and onto his wrinkled sheets. He glanced over to his alarm clock, seeing 03:26 AM glaring back at him in red. 

He could count on one hand the number of times he'd slept through the night in the past twenty-years; when he did manage a full eight hours it was brought on by drugs or alcohol. The nightmare didn't come every night, or if it did he didn't always remember. But when he did dream it was the same one. That same night. 

By 6:00 AM Joel was already to work, a steaming thermos of coffee in hand. There was no use in going back to bed, he wouldn't have been able to even if he tried. So as the years went he became more and more reliant on the black caffeine. His crew joked he drank more coffee than water- and they were probably right. 

The sun was already high in the sky, but the newly Spring weather brought with it a fresh breeze that made working outside on houses all day mildly more bearable. Even so, he sometimes found himself longing for the Texas heat that Boston just didn't seem to have. He wouldn't go back, though. Couldn't. The memories were just too much for Joel to bare. 

"Ayo boss!" His crew member, Tony, shouted from his spot on the porch. 

"Yeah?"

"Your phones going off. Some chick named Marlene keeps callin'." Tony said, his Boston accent coming through even thicker than Joel's Texan one. 

Joel's eyes narrowed at the mention of Marlene's name. The woman used to be close friends with his brother when they first moved to Boston nearly twenty years ago, before Tommy hauled ass to Wyoming. He hadn't spoken to or heard from Marlene in nearly ten years, so why the hell would she be calling now?

"Hello?" Joel greeted, his phone pressed to his ear as he stood rigid near his truck. 

"Joel?" Marlene's voice rang through. 

"What do you want, Marlene?" Joel asked, not interested in wasting time with pleasantries when their past interactions had been anything but. 

Marlene scoffed. "Well hello to you, too."

"I said Hello. What do you want?" Joel asked again, his voice gruff. 

Marlene sighed. "I'm cashing in a favor." 

"I'm sorry, but what favor is that exactly?" 

"The favor you owe me for bailing your ass out when you beat the shit out of that cop and keeping it from your brother. That favor." Oh. Right.

"Alright." Joel sighed. "Let's hear it." 

"I need you to take care of a kid for me." Marlene said, as if she were asking him to lend her $50 or give her a ride somewhere. 

"You what?" 

"Tommy told me you had a foster care license. I need you to use it and watch over a kid for me." Fucking Tommy. He didn't even know his brother was still in contact with Marlene, let alone blabbing his business. He never wanted to get a foster care license in the first place, with his background and track record he was shocked he even managed to get one. Yet here he was.

"I don't have a foster care license." Joel lied. He did. He hadn't used it in about seven years, not since his ex needed help getting custody of her sisters kid. But he still had it. 

"Joel, I know you do. Please. It's not permanent, it'll just be a couple months tops. Just until I can get some things in order out West." Out West? 

"Marlene what the hell is going on?" Joel questioned, his eyebrows furrowed and a frown etched on his face. 

"Her name is Ellie. I promised her mother I'd take care of her and- look I just, I need her to go with someone who I know. Someone I trust. That way I can get her once things settle." Marlene said, not fully answering his question- which did not go unnoticed by Joel. 

Joel scoffed. "Someone you trust? Oh and you chose me?" 

"I didn't have a lot of options with a foster care license." Marlene replied dryly. 

"And what do you mean once things settle? Marlene you ain't makin' a bit of sense."

"Her name is Ellie." Marlene said again. "She's fourteen years old and she just got pulled from her last foster family after she didn't show up to school for three days and was found locked in an old freezer. Will you help me or not?" Marlene was really laying it on thick. That much was for sure. But it was working, and she fucking knew it. 

"God dammit." Joel muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "You owe me, Marlene. You owe me so fucking big for this." 

"That I do, Miller. I'll make some phone calls and send you the details. Once she's released from the hospital she'll be dropped off with you." Marlene rushed out, probably trying to hurry and end the conversation before Joel changed his mind. Smart. "Thank you, Joel."

Joel shook his head as he pressed the call-end button and slid his phone into his front pocket. "Son of a bitch."

Joel left Tony in charge before leaving work for the day, pulling up Tommy's contact info and pressing call for the first time in years before his truck was even in drive. Tommy picked up on the second ring, more than likely anticipating his brother's call. 

"Joel-" Tommy hardly got a word in. 

"Fostering a kid? You're telling God damn Marlene that I've got my fucking license to foster a damn kid? Are you outta your mind?" Joel snapped.

"Joel-" Tommy tried again, but Joel just cut him back off. 

"I mean Jesus Christ, Tommy what the hell are you thinking? Why is my name even being brought up to Marlene in the first damn place?"

"God dammit Joel, will you listen to me?" Tommy snapped, effectively cutting off his older brother. "Marlene already knew you had the damn license, Joel, I didn't have to tell her nothin'. I thought this could be good for you." Joel sighed, running a hand down his face as he drove down the highway. "You don't call, text, email, nothin' in ten damn years, Joel. You were a mess, brother. There's been days these past years where I was questioning if you were even still alive. I just thought- when Marlene called me I thought that maybe, just fuckin' maybe, this would be it. A chance for you to do something good. Forgive me for ever thinking that was a fuckin' possibility." Tommy ended the call before Joel could say another word. He was grateful for it, in a way. Because really what could he have ever said to that? I know I fucked up, I know I dragged you down with me, but if I take this kid I'll somehow fail her just like I failed- No. Joel couldn't say it. Couldn't even think it. 

He drove home on autopilot, his brothers words ringing in his head. A chance for you to do something good. Maybe Tommy was right. Or maybe he'd screw this kid up more than she probably already was. 

He didn't know how long she'd be in the hospital for, Marlene still hadn't contacted him with the details. Could be days, could be hours. So, Joel got to work. He threw out the empty pizza boxes and half drank bottles of beer that littered his coffee table and kitchen counters. Lucky for him he had a two bedroom house. The last person who stayed in the guest bedroom was Tess' kid before the two of 'em moved back to Detroit. A layer of dust covered just about everything, so Joel took care of that before stripping the bed and throwing everything in the washer. Better safe than sorry. 

Looking around the bare room he was finally met with the startling realization that there would soon be a teenage girl living in it. Flashes of Sarah's bedroom back in Texas filled Joel's head. Purple walls, soccer trophies, medals and ribbons, photos of her and her friends, those damn butterfly sheets she was obsessed with. All of it came rushing back and he could see it clear as day- as if he was back in that little suburban house and Sarah was trying (and failing) to make him pancakes. 

And now this kid, just a couple years older than Sarah had been, is about to come into a strangers home and is stuck with empty beige walls, a navy comforter, and an old brown dresser. That's it. Not a picture or anything to decorate. Unless she'd bring her own things? Would she even have her own things? Will she even have basic necessities, like a toothbrush or deodorant? "Christ." Joel whispered to himself, his hand running along as his chin as his mind moved a million miles a minute. 

He didn't know how to do this. He hadn't gotten too far with Sarah. He didn't get to first dates and crushes, or hell even her first period yet. All the things that Joel had been dreading he found himself longing for because he missed out on them. Sarah missed out on them. 

Joel shook his head to try to clear those thoughts away. He couldn't let them drag him down, not now.

Wal-Mart was about as good distraction as any. Joel felt like a fish out of water as he walked down the different isles, eyes scanning the shelves that were stocked with varies scents of shampoos in brightly covered bottles. Joel tried not to think too much into it, if he did he'd knew he'd be standing there forever. He grabbed a bottle of shampoo and the matching conditioner, a bottle of body wash and a green loofa, a stick of deodorant, a toothbrush and toothpaste, a pink hairbrush, and even a box of tampons. 

He had no clue what the hell else he'd need. He of course made his way to the grocery section of the store; knowing the kid wasn't going to be too keen on his diet of take out and beer. Did she have allergies? Was she a vegetarian? With each section of the store Joel passed through and each item he added to his cart he realized more and more clearly that he was way in over his head. 

It wasn't until Joel was finally heading home, backseat full of bags of groceries, toiletries, and a few random items he saw other teenagers in the store adding to their own carts, that his phone rang again. 

"Marlene?" He answered gruffly, seeing her name appear on his caller ID.

"Joel." Marlene greeted, her voice sounding almost hesitant. "Can I assume you're still on board?" 

Joel nearly rolled his eyes. "Said I was, didn't I?"

"You did." Marlene confirmed. "They're going to be releasing Ellie tonight. There's a lot of paperwork to fill out and file through so it might be pretty late by the time we get out of here. I'll take her to a hotel tonight and then bring her by-" 

"No. Don't uh, don't do that. Just bring her here." Joel argued, moving his phone to rest between his cheek and shoulder as he slammed his truck door shut and began grabbing out his bags to carry in.

Marlene was quiet for a moment, surprised by his willingness. "You're sure?" She asked slowly. "Cause it'll be late. I'm honestly thinking 11:00 at least." 

"S'fine." Joel shrugged. "I don't mind, I'll be up. Kids been through Hell from the sounds of it. No sense in taking her to a hotel. Just bring her here." 

"Okay." Marlene finally said. "Thanks, Joel. I'll text you when we're on the way." 

"Alright." Joel agreed, not bothering to say goodbye before he was ending the call and tossing his phone onto his couch. 

He unloaded the groceries first, then went to what would now be their shared bathroom and set up the items he bought for Ellie. He took the freshly clean sheets and comforter and made up the twin bed before setting a few small things on top of her dresser. 

Joel glanced down at his watch, forgetting for a moment that it would read 10:36 pm like it has since that night. His phone showed him that it was actually only 5:30 pm. With a sigh he made his way to his kitchen and made himself a dinner. Waiting was never Joel's strong suit. He checked his phone nearly twenty times in the past hour as he sat on his couch with his dinner and waited for Marlene and Ellie to arrive.

He found himself looking back down at his watch, a sad smile on his face. "Hey baby." He whispered softly. "I need you to know, this doesn't change anything. This isn't a- a replacement or nothin' like that. This is just business. A favor I owe someone. You're still my girl. My only girl." Joel said quietly, tears brimming in his eyes as he stared at his watch and talked to Sarah. "I love you, baby girl."

First couple of chapters may be a bit slow, just little fillers until we really get into the story.

Feedback is always appreciated! 

Chapter Text

Ellie winced from her spot in the passenger seat of Marlene's Cadillac as her head bounced off the window. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a full nights sleep; she certainly didn't sleep in the hospital and she was never relaxed enough to get more than a couple of hours at a time at her old home. So, to say she was exhausted would be a massive understatement. The ride from the hospital to her new home wasn't the quickest, and she found herself dozing off in-between the sound of the cars radio and watching the city lights pass by. Each time she found herself falling asleep she'd jerk herself awake only moments later. She tried hiding it from Marlene, but as per usual nothing got past the woman. "We'll get to Joel's soon, and then you can rest."

"M'not tired." Ellie lied, sitting up straighter in her seat with another small wince. Her body was littered in bruises, but she swallowed back the pain, not wanting to let Marlene see her as weak. 

Marlene chose not to say anything, instead focusing on the road in front of her. It was nearing midnight, so traffic was light, making their trip that much quicker than it normally would’ve been. 

Ellie didn't know Marlene all that well. She was a social worker, but only recently got Ellie as a case. She claimed she knew her mother, Anna, before she passed when the girl was born. Whether that was true or not was something Ellie couldn't quite figure out. 

Ellie wasn't sure if she dozed off again, but next thing she knew Marlene was slowly turning the car into a small driveway. A single story home with white siding and a grey-blue door sat in front of her. There were windows on each side, both covered by curtains- but she could see the light peaking through the one closest to them. 

Ellie swallowed thickly, grabbing the backpack that sat by her feet tightly in her hand. She hated this part. No matter how many times she did it, it never got easy; not knowing who's home you were about to walk into. If it was a man, a woman, a whole family. If there would be enough food for her to eat. If she'd be here for a month, a year. If she'd be safe. 

"Ellie?" Marlene asked. Ellie broke out of her thoughts and turned to see that Marlene was standing outside her car and had pulled the passenger door open. "You ready to come inside?"

"Yeah." Ellie said quickly, trying to shake away the feeling of fear as she shrugged off her seatbelt and pulled her backpack over her shoulders. Rule number one? Never let them know you're scared. 

Marlene led her up the few porch steps and reached for the doorbell, but the door was already being pulled open before she had the chance. A lone man stood on the other side. He was big, Ellie noticed immediately; but she refused to show the intimidation it caused her. He was tall, standing nearly an entire foot above her, his shoulders were broad and his muscular arms were only slightly concealed by the t-shirt he was wearing. His skin was tanned, whether from the sun or just naturally Ellie couldn't tell. His hair was brown, with some grey mixed in, and his eyes were dark; but not in a way that scared Ellie. They were dark in the same way that hers were- from grief. "Joel." Marlene greeted formally, nodding at the man in front of them. Joel. Ellie thought to herself. "Good to see you again."

Ellie's eyes flicked up to Marlene when she said that. Again? Did they know each other? Maybe they'd met when they decided to place her with him. Or maybe they were friends. Ellie couldn't quite tell just based off their body language, and aside from dropping the I knew your mom bomb on Ellie, Marlene hadn't gotten around to telling her much else about herself. 

Joel nodded, his eyes moving from Marlene down to Ellie. "Come on in." He finally said, stepping to the side and letting the two girls walk into his home. Ellie's body practically hugged the doorway as she put as much space between her and Joel as she could. If he noticed he didn't say anything. 

"You uh, you two want something to drink? Water? Coffee?" Joel asked, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as the three stood in his living room. 

"Who the fuck drinks coffee in the middle of the night?" Ellie questioned, her nose scrunched at the same time Marlene answered. "No, thank you. I can't stay long, but there are things we need to discuss. Do you want to show Ellie to her room for the night and then you and I can talk?" Marlene asked, both adults ignoring Ellie's input. Well okay then. 

"Okay." Joel nodded, turning to look at Ellie, who was looking at Marlene with mild panic in her eyes. 

"It's okay." Marlene assured her. "Get some rest. I'm going to talk to Joel and then head out, I've got to hit the road early in the morning. I'll be in touch, okay? You've got my number and can call me anytime. Alright?"

Ellie stared at Marlene for a moment before nodding. "Alright." She said stiffly, before turning to Joel and letting him lead her down the short hallway. 

"It's not much." Joel said awkwardly, as he opened the bedroom door to reveal a bed, nightstand, and dresser. "You can decorate it, if ya'd like. You got more stuff in Marlene's car?" 

Ellie shook her head. "Nope, this is it." She said casually, shrugging at the book bag on her shoulders, as if every kid only had one small bag with a handful of belongings to their name. 

Something shifted in Joel's expression, but Ellie couldn't quite place it. "Well, I reckon we'll go shopping in the morning then. Get some rest." 

Joel turned to leave the bedroom, before Ellie stopped him. "Is the bed- are there other kids here? Or is the bed- is it-" Ellie knew what she wanted to ask. And it was a simple question really. Is the bed for me? But how fucking sad and pathetic was it to have to ask that question? She didn't want to see what look he'd give her this time if those words actually came out of her mouth. Luckily, she didn't have to. 

"The bed is yours. Just yours.” Joel said, saving her from the embarrassment of stumbling even more over her words and proving to him how fucked up she is. “G’night.” He added, offering Ellie a small nod and what she guessed was his attempt at a smile, before he was out of her room and shutting the door behind him. 

Ellie quickly made her way over to the door, ready to lock herself in (more so lock Joel out), only to find there was no lock. "Dammit." She muttered under her breath. Her eyes scanned across the bedroom in hopes of finding something, anything, she could use as a makeshift lock. Her eyes landed on the nightstand by her bed, and with a defeated sigh she was shoving the small wooden end table as quietly as she could until it was pressed up against the door. It may not be enough to keep him out, but at least she'd be able to hear him coming and give herself time to run if needed. 

Next thing she checked was the window- which turned out to be a bay window, bench and all- much to her excitement. Images of herself reading her comics there immediately filled her head, until she shook them away as she checked to see if she'd be able to open the window and escape if needed. To her relief, it did. Granted it led to the backyard which was enclosed with a fence, but she'd hopped plenty of fences before. She could handle this one. 

Ellie didn't bother unpacking the few changes of clothes she had from her bookbag. Instead she reached in and grabbed the dog-tag necklace she'd gotten from Riley and slipped it on over her neck and tucked it under her shirt. She had to take it off in the hospital when they took her back for x-rays and she'd been itching to put it back on ever since. It was like there was a boulder on her chest preventing her from breathing properly, but the silver chain and dog-tags were able to replace the crushing feeling with a lighter one. One Ellie didn't think she'd survive without. 

She heard the front door shut and the sound of a light turning off before footsteps made their way towards her room. She held her breath for a moment, staring intently at the bottom of the door, before she heard the door across from hers shut- allowing her to let out a shaky breath. 

Sleep was tugging at the corners of Ellie's vision, so she placed her bookbag on the foot of her bed before shimmying under the comforter. She kept her shoes on, incase she needed to get out quick, and didn't bother changing from her jeans and zip up into pajamas. She laid down with her back facing the wall and her eyes on the bedroom door, until finally sleep pulled her under. 

Daylight was streaming through the bay window by the time she blinked her eyes opened the next morning. She could hear someone moving around the house, which made sense as she looked across the room to the small clock that was on the nightstand and saw it was nearly 11:00 am. 

Ellie's eyes widened in panic and she shoved the comforter off of herself and all but jumped out of bed- her body immediately groaning in protest. She didn't dwell on the pain as she quickly ran her fingers through her hair and fixed her ponytail before attempting to smooth out the wrinkles in her clothes. One glance in the mirror showed her she looked as bad as she felt. Fuck. 

Her eyes stayed focused on the door for a few more minutes, trying to find the courage to move across the room and shove the nightstand out of her way so she could face her new guardian. 

Marlene wasn't here anymore. As far as she could tell there was no wife, definitely no other kids. Just her and a strange man. Who's bright idea was it to place her with him? Over the years she’d learned the hard way you couldn’t really trust anyone, people were dangerous. Especially men. And now Ellie was alone with one she’d only just met the night before. 

Finally the urge to pee became bigger than her urge to run, so she quietly moved the nightstand until it was right next to her door and slowly peeked into the hallway. In the daylight she was able to get a better idea of the homes layout as she stood glancing around. The hallway was right off the living room, there was a door next to hers and one across. She assumed the one across from hers was Joel's and that the other was a bathroom perhaps? But she wasn't about to test it and land herself in a punishment on the first day. She walked towards the living room and found the noise was coming from inside the kitchen, where Joel was moving about between the fridge and stove. 

He looked unnatural in the kitchen, his movements stiff and uncertain even though he was in his own home. It was clear he didn't cook a lot. So Ellie was confused why he was bothering to now. 

He didn't hear her come in, or if he did he was choosing to ignore her. Either one was a real possibility. Ellie cleared her throat, feeling her bladder scream at her more and more as she stood in the doorway between the living room and kitchen.

Joel quickly turned, his eyes widening slightly. Definitely didn't know I was here. Ellie thought to herself. "Oh, you're up." He said, like he didn't know what else to say. 

"Yep." Ellie nodded, popping the 'p'. Great, they managed to place her with someone with worse social skills than she had- which was really saying something. "Sorry I slept so late. Won't happen again." She offered, her eyes moving between him and a speck of dirt on her shoe. 

Joel shook his head, turning back to the pan on the stove. "S'okay. You had a long night- needed your rest. Even if ya didn't, I wouldn't mind."

Ellie nodded, slightly confused and not knowing what else she could say. He didn't mind? Was this a trick?

"I wasn't sure what you liked to eat, so I hope bacon and eggs are okay. If not I can make something else." 

Ellie shook her head so fast she felt her brain rattle. "No that's okay- I like bacon and eggs." 

"Good." He answered gruffly. 

"Could I use your bathroom?" 

Joel nodded. "S'your bathroom too. Just down the hall, door right next to yours." 

"Cool. Thanks." Ellie nodded, before all but running back down the hall and through the door she had guessed before. Luckily for her, this door at least had a lock on it. 

Under the bathroom light she was able to get a better look at her reflection- and boy was it a sight. Her hair was greasy, her clothes were still wrinkled and stained with dirt, her eyes had bags bigger than she’d seen under them, she was skinny- too skinny, she could literally see her bones peaking out from her clothing- and her skin was paler than normal. “Fuck, I look dead.” Ellie whispered to herself. 

Her eyes slowly traveled from her reflection to the array of toiletries on the counter. A floral scented stick of deodorant, a pink toothbrush, bubblegum toothpaste, and a pink hairbrush stared back at her. They didn’t look like they’d ever been used, and he said there were no other kids. Had he really bought these just for her? She wasn’t a pink girl, but shit the gesture was more than any other adult had done for her. The bubblegum toothpaste made her giggle a bit, but if this guy was willing to buy it for her, she’d be willing to use it. The smile wiped off her face at the thought of it not being for her. Maybe it was leftover from a different kid? Or maybe he just liked pink and bubblegum flavored toothpaste for himself? No, that couldn’t be it. On the other side of the sink sat mint toothpaste and a blue toothbrush that were both very clearly used. 

Ellie shook off the thoughts coursing through her head, he’d tell her either way she supposed. But not if she hid out in the bathroom forever. 

By the time she made her way back into the kitchen he was sitting down at the table, a full plate in front of him and an empty one sitting on the counter. “Make yourself a plate.” He offered, his voice gruff and awkward, but Ellie was starting to realize that may just be his natural tone. “Reckon we got some things to discuss and sort out.”

Ellie nodded, grabbing the plate in her hand and adding one piece of bacon and a small serving of eggs to her plate before sitting down across from Joel. 

He eyeballed her plate as he brought a fork full of egg to his mouth. “That all you want?” He asked after a few moments of silence. 

“Huh?” Ellie asked, looking slightly like a deer in headlights as she nibbled her bacon. 

“That all you want?” Joel repeated. “I made plenty, you can take more.” 

“Oh.” Ellie said awkwardly, glancing down at her nearly bare plate. “Uh, okay.” She stood, looking back at Joel as if he’d change his mind and stop her, but he only focused on his own plate while she added more food to hers. 

This time when Ellie sat back down she didn’t wait for Joel to change his mind as she dug into her plate like it was her first and last meal she’d ever be offered. Joel noticed, but chose not to say anything, as she shoveled more and more food into her mouth, until she chocked a little bit; coughing as she took a drink of the orange juice he’d set out. “Might help if ya chew it first.” He remarked. Asshole. 

“Noted.” Ellie quipped sarcastically, taking a small breath before going back to eating, only slightly slower than before. 

There was still food left on Joel’s plate when Ellie finished hers. His eyes flicked between her empty plate and her face, which was flushed red with embarrassment as she avoided his eye contact. “When uh, when’s the last time you ate?”

Ellie shrugged, her nails scratching against fingers as she fiddled with them in her lap. “They gave me some jello in the hospital last night.” 

“Before that.” Joel’s response was quick, making Ellie glance up and meet his eyes as she shrugged again. 

“Couple days ago, I guess.”

Joel nodded, but something in his expression shifted. He was hard to read for Ellie, which she hated. She’d gotten used to reading people over the years, it made her feel prepared. In control. She didn’t like when she couldn’t read someone’s emotions; when she couldn’t prepare for what was coming. “Well, if you’re still hungry you can have more. Made plenty.”

Ellie nodded, looking between her plate and the counter in an internal debate before gently pushing her plate away from her. “I’m okay.” 

“Alright.” Joel nodded, taking a few more bites as Ellie sat and looked around the kitchen. “I got some stuff for ya in the bathroom. Just the basics. We can head to the store today if ya’d like, getcha some more clothes and anything else ya might need.” 

“Cool. Thanks.” 

Joel was quiet again as he finished his last couple bites, until Ellie broke the silence this time. “What are the rules?” 

Joel blinked. “Rules?” 

“Yeah, you know, house rules or whatever. Like no TV, bathroom times, things like that?” 

Joel’s eyebrows furrowed as he let her words sink in, showing more emotion than she’d seen on his face so far. “Bathroom times? What does that even mean?” Joel questioned, looking at her like she’d just told him the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. Which to be fair, it probably was. 

“Specific times I can use the bathroom.” Ellie said, as if it should’ve been obvious.

Joel shook his head in disbelieve, “Where the hell did they have you livin’, kid?” 

“You don’t know wanna know.” Ellie joked, but Joel didn’t find it funny. Tough crowd. 

Joel sighed, shaking his head again. “Well to answer your question, no. There’s no bathroom time or anything else like that. You need to use the bathroom, you use it. Shower when ya want, I don’t care about that either. You can use the TV all ya want, I don’t watch much. Eat when you’re hungry, I’m not big on cookin’, but I can make whatever.” Joel sighed again. “What I’m gettin’ at is there aren’t any weird little rules. This is your house too, for the time being. I just ask that you respect my privacy and I’ll respect yours. Stay outta my room, but other than that do what ya want. Maybe just don’t throw parties or trash the place, sound good?”

Ellie tried to repress her grin as she nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.” 

“Good.”

“What about chores?” Ellie asked, making Joel look up at the ceiling. 

“Jesus, kid.” He muttered. “You want chores?” 

“I mean, I wouldn’t say I want chores. But I’ve never been in a house without them. I’m fine doing ‘em! I really don’t mind. You said you don’t like cooking, so I could cook? Well, I could try at least. May not be very good. But I’m a real quick learner!” 

“Alright. We’ll teach ya how to cook if ya’d like that and you can take that over. ‘Side from that just pick up after yourself I suppose.”

“Fuck yeah.” Ellie nodded with a grin, before her eyes went wide. “Sorry. Heck yeah.”

Joel let out a small breath of air that just barely resembled a chuckle as he shook his head. “I’ll clean this up. Why don’t you take a shower and then we’ll head to the store. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Ellie agreed, hopping out of her chair as Joel stood and gathered the dirty plates. 

Ellie didn’t look back at him as she scurried down the hallway towards the bathroom. And it wasn’t until she was locked behind the door that she let her body relax and a smile spread across her face. 

Thank you guys for all the feedback so far!!  

Chapter Text

Joel was officially in over his head. He should've known when Marlene casually mentioned the girl being locked in a freezer. Then the kid talked about bathroom times and not eating for days, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Then he watched her as she picked out the cheapest clothing items she could find, paying no mind to color or design or anything else- just the price tag; and the fact that it was long sleeve. Joel didn't want to assume anything, but his mind was already moving and he had a fair feeling of where this was going to lead to. Sarah was younger than Ellie is now when she came home from school asking about self-harm because a little boy in her class had been hurting himself, so the school had an awareness assembly. But Joel wouldn't assume, and he wouldn't say anything unless she brought it up, but from what he knew about the kid he wouldn't be surprised if that's what she was covering up. "You don't gotta worry about the price, kid. Just pick out what ya like." He said, watching as she put back a sweatshirt that had caught her eye after checking the price tag. 

"This is good." Ellie insisted, shaking her head and adding a plain long sleeve shirt to the shopping cart instead. 

Joel looked at the shirt and then back at Ellie with a blank expression. "It's gray." 

Ellie shrugged. "Yeah. I like gray." 

"You're thirteen, you don't like gray." Joel argued, putting the shirt back and grabbing the green sweatshirt she had been looking at. 

"I'm fourteen, and no offense but you don't know me. You don't know what I like." Ellie said, her tone defiant as she stood her ground and threw the sweatshirt back onto the rack before roughly grabbing the gray long sleeve again. 

"Fair enough." Joel sighed, raising his hands in mock surrender. "But you don't gotta keep lookin' for the cheapest thing. And ya might grab some shirts with short sleeves, with summer comin' I reckon you'll get pretty hot in those sweatshirts and jackets." Joel knew he might have been crossing a line, and gauging Ellie's reaction he had a feeling he was right in his earlier assessment. 

Ellie's jaw tightened only slightly, her left hand moving towards her right arm as if it were a reflex. Joel's eyes followed her hand, his brow twitching as he read her body language and the subconscious cues she was letting out. "I'll be fine. Doubt I'll be here by summer anyway." 

"Marlene said a few months. That's summer, kid." 

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, no shit. I'm saying you aren't gonna make it that long before you ship me off to the next place." This fucking kid.

Joel knew this game, he'd seen it with Tess' kid every damn day. Hell, he'd even seen it with Sarah a few times- never to the same caliber or for the same reasons. But still, this wasn't his first rodeo. She was testing him, testing the limits to see how far she could push before he pushed back. Unfortunately for her, patience had never been Joel's strong suit. Especially when he didn't want to take in the kid in the first damn place. 

Joel sighed, bending over so he was more level with her as his hands rested on his knees that were already cracking in protest. "Listen here, kid. Nobody's shippin' ya off anywhere. I owe Marlene a favor and I'm going to see it through. I don't know what sorta places ya lived in before and I don't expect ya to tell me. Matter of fact we can just keep our histories to ourselves. But you are gonna be staying with me the next few months, regardless of any little temper tantrum you try throwin' that you thinks gonna scare me off. You want to sweat and melt in the heat this summer? Fine, that's your choice. But ya are gonna be here, until Marlene takes ya, ya here me?"

Ellie's jaw was squared and her body was stiff as a board as she stared back at Joel. Unlike him, she wasn't all that hard to read. She tried masking it, boy did she try. But Joel's lived through a lot. He's learned a lot. And he can see when someone is angry and sad and scared and just feeling all the different emotions but trying with everything they've got not to let the other person see. Not to show anything that might come off as weak. And that's exactly what Ellie was doing. "I hear you." She finally said, her voice tight as she glared back at Joel. He could almost laugh at her attempts at intimidation, but he reckoned that'd cause a mighty big scene and he wasn't about to do that.

"Alright then. Now stop checkin' price tags and grab what you want."

Ellie held his stare for a moment longer before grabbing the green sweatshirt and placing it back in the cart. Joel turned around before she could see the small smile teasing at his lips. 

By the time the two got back to Joel's it was well into the afternoon and Joel was carrying several bags while Ellie trailed behind him carrying a McDonald's bag and two drinks. "Go ahead and drop those on the table. I'll take these to your room." Joel said. If he had been facing Ellie, he would've seen the look of panic that crossed her face as she practically ran to set the food down before racing back towards her room, trying to beat him there. 

Joel hesitated for a second, as he stood in the doorway and took in the location of the end table. Ellie shoved past him anxiously, as if she could somehow put it back where it had been and he wouldn't notice. "Do some rearranging?" Joel questioned; his eyebrow quirked as he looked over to Ellie, who was staring at the ground with her hands fidgeting in front of her. 

"I'm sorry- I-I'll move it back, I just-" 

"Hey." Joel interrupted, making Ellie look up and meet his eyes. "S'okay. I'm not upset, you can rearrange and move things however you'd like. Gotta say it's an interesting design choice, but if ya like it so be it." Joel shrugged. 

Ellie swallowed and nodded, looking back down anxiously. Joel watched her for another minute before taking a few steps deeper into the room towards her bed. Ellie took a few steps back, her movements looking instinctive as she watched Joel carefully. He slowed his steps, giving her a small nod and holding up the bags before placing them on her bed. "Come eat and then I'll leave ya to unpack and whatnot." 

Ellie nodded, waiting for him to make the first move before following behind him into the kitchen. Joel grabbed his own food out of the bag before handing it off to her and grabbing his drink. "You uh, wanna eat in here or the living room?"

Ellie looked at him as if she were surprised he was letting her be the one to choose. "Oh. Uh, living rooms fine." 

Joel nodded, leading them into the living room before sitting on the couch and placing his food on the coffee table in front of him. Ellie did the same, only choosing to sit in the chair instead. "You uh, got any shows you like?" Joel asked awkwardly, as Ellie grabbed her BigMac from the bag. 

She shrugged as she took a bite. "No. Don't really watch TV." 

Joel squinted. "Ever?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "I've watched TV before dude, I'm not a total basket case. Just wasn't allowed in the last few homes I was in. And if it was it was never up to me what was on." 

"Huh." Joel grunted, taking a bite of his own meal as he turned on the TV. The Terminator was on, which was good enough for Joel as he sat back with a sigh and took another bite of his food.

"The fuck is this?" Ellie asked, causing Joel to choke on his food for a moment.

"You sure got a mouth on ya, huh?" 

Ellie grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

Joel shook his head. "You've never seen Terminator?"

"Obviously not." 

Joel couldn't help but grin as he shook his head again. The kid was getting more comfortable, based on her snide comments and slip ups in bad language. Part of Joel was relieved that she was feeling more comfortable, he didn't want her to be afraid of him or think he was going to treat her like other adults in her life have. But another part of him, a selfish part, didn't want her comfortable. She wasn't staying, this was just temporary. It was nothing more than a favor- a transaction. "Well, now you can say you have."

Joel watched Ellie retreat to her room after finishing eating and watching the remainder of Terminator- which she deemed cheesy, but badass- to put away her new belongings. He silently made his way out back to his work shed, rummaging through the cabinets and drawers until he found what he was looking for. The old door knob that actually had a lock on it. He wasn't stupid- he knew pretty quick why Ellie moved her nightstand. She didn't trust him, and he couldn't say he blamed her. Tess' kid gave them too many reasons not to trust him, so he lost his lock privileges. But Ellie hadn't, and until she did he could at least let her have a little piece of mind. 

As he started walking back inside from the shed he caught site of Ellie through the bedroom window. Her backpack was sitting on the bench cushion of her bay window and she was shoving the newly purchased clothing as neatly as she could into the bag. Joel felt something in his chest tighten as he watched the girl. She was careful in her movements, folding and rolling the clothes gently and smoothing out wrinkles before trying to fit everything inside the bag. This kid, barely a teenager, had been uprooted and tossed around so many times she had to prepare herself to up and go at the drop of a hat. Joel couldn't remember a time he'd ever had to worry about anything like that, and it just wasn't fair that a kid who was barely a teenager had to. 

Joel shook his head, trying in vain to shake away an instinct he hasn't had for twenty years; the instinct to protect and comfort a little kid.

Ellie's door was closed when Joel got back inside, doorknob in one hand and toolbox in the other. He knocked his fist against her door as gentle as he could, not wanting to spook her. It was quiet for a moment, before the sound of the nightstand scraping against the hardwood hit his ears and he took a step back. The door only opened about halfway, Ellie's face peering up at him through the crack. "Yeah?" 

Joel held up the doorknob and toolbox, watching as her face paled slightly before a pink tint filled her cheeks. "Thought I'd go ahead and get ya fixed up. Better than scrapin' that old nightstand against the floor."

"Oh, it wasn't- I just-"

Joel held a hand up, stopping her rambling. "You don't gotta explain. I get it. Just give me a few minutes and I'll get ya squared away."

Ellie nodded, opening her door wider for Joel as she took a few steps back into her room before settling on her bed. 

It was quiet between the two as Joel worked, until Ellie broke the silence- and Joel's concentration. "Hey Joel?" 

"Hm?"

"Do you know what's not right?" Ellie asked, making Joel look over in mild curiosity.

"No, what's that?" He asked, suddenly nervous that the answer would be something private and deep about her past or being in the system. And if it was what the hell was he supposed to say to that?

"Left." What?

Joel looked over, nothing but blatant confusion written across his face. Ellie- on the other hand, was tight lipped and fighting a massive grin off her face. "Was that supposed to be a joke?"

Ellie cackled. "Fuck you, it was funny and you know it! Solid eight out of ten, straight from Will Livingston." 

Joel rolled his eyes. "It was a 2 outta 10 at best. And who's Will Livingston?"

Ellie gaped at him, before grabbing a book from her bag and holding it up. No Pun Intended: Volume Too stared back at Joel. "You mean you haven't heard of The Will Livingston? Pun master?!" 

Joel scoffed. "Can't say I have." 

"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went-"

"No." 

"and then it dawned on me." Ellie ended with another fit of giggles. 

Joel shook his head and turned back to the door. He had to admit, it was a nice change hearing her relax and laugh a little. Even if the puns were shit. "That's terrible."

"What did the mermaid wear to math class?" 

"Please stop."

"An algae-bra!" 

"Do you want the lock on your door?" Joel asked, feeling a twinge of guilt when her face fell. He wasn't being serious, but clearly she didn't know. "You're gonna have to do better than that." He added, hoping that'd make her realize he was kidding.

It worked; as Ellie grinned and shoved her face back into the pun book. "No matter how many times you push the envelope- it'll still be stationary." 

Joel fought back a grin. "4 outta 10."

Hours later Joel found himself in his bedroom for the night, holding a picture of Sarah that he kept on his nightstand. He wondered if she was looking down on him; sometimes he liked to think she was. But then he'd get angry, embarrassed. She shouldn't be watching anything from Heaven. She should be here, with him. And if she was watching over him, she shouldn't have to see the mess he's become. Would she be disappointed in him? She was always taking care of him, even though he should've been the one taking care of her. But he couldn't do that, and now she'd watch and know that he couldn't even take care of himself. Would she be angry that Ellie was in his life? He already knew the answer. And as he set the picture frame back in its place and laid down in bed, he realized that it was never Ellie getting comfortable that he was afraid of; it was himself.

sad baby joel <\3

next few chapters are gonna pick up a bit! joel can only keep his grumpy cat face for so long!

Chapter Text

Ellie couldn't quite pinpoint the emotions she was feeling. It's been two weeks since she got placed with Joel and not once has he raised his voice, or hit her, or touched her at all. He doesn't talk down to her (aside from when he's telling her that her puns are shit- but she's still dead set on making him laugh), or berate her, or anything that any of the other foster parents she was placed with did. He doesn't talk much, certainly not about himself and really only ever in response to something Ellie's said. But when he does talk it's nice. It's asking if she got enough to eat or what movie she wants to watch. And he's been doing that more and more, especially the past week. He'll ask her about her day, even though she really doesn't leave the house, and he'll ask about the Savage Starlight comics he catches her reading. He respects her privacy and her own space and even put a new doorknob with a fucking lock on it on her bedroom door just so she'd feel safer. 

So why does she still jump when she hears his footsteps coming down the hallway? Why can't she bring herself to unpack her clothes from her backpack? Why is she still sneaking food from the kitchen and hiding it in her dresser drawer? And why the hell can't she just fucking relax? 

Ellie's exhausted; her body in a constant state of fight or flight. She's on edge 24/7, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for everything to go to shit. She doesn't sleep well; definitely better than she ever has before, but still not enough for a teenager still in her developmental years. Joel asks her every day how she slept the night before, and she always crosses her finger behind her back as she says 'Fine.' She's not sure if Joel see's it- she's sure he does, he notices everything. But if he does, he certainly doesn't say anything. And for that she's grateful. 

Tonight was one of those nights Ellie couldn't sleep, and instead of laying awake in bed staring at the ceiling, she pushed open her bedroom window and climbed out into the backyard. She sat against the tree next to Joel's shed and flipped open her notebook to a blank page before she began. 

She can't remember the moment she decided she liked drawing. Truthfully she doesn't think she's ever really admitted to it. It wasn't that she was embarrassed or insecure; she just didn't want to make it a thing. Because if it was a thing, that would imply she cared, and if she cared it had the power to hurt her if it was taken away. So, she didn't care.

She drew different things, mostly people she's met or places she's been. Sometimes she'd draw the future as if it were her reality, like somehow she could manifest a happy ending for herself just with a piece of paper and a pencil. She didn't really have a plan once she started, she'd just put her pencil against the paper and let it take her away. 

Maybe she was louder than she realized when she was climbing out her window, or maybe Joel couldn't sleep either and saw her through the window. Whatever the case may be; he realized Ellie was sitting outside in the cold night air and immediately flicked on the back porch light as he slid open the door. "Ellie?" He called, pulling the younger girls attention from the notebook on her lap. 

Joel didn't call her Ellie a lot, which was odd to her seeing as it's literally her name. He tended to stick with kid or maybe even kiddo if he was in a really good mood. In fact, it took her a week of living with him before he called her by the her name for the first time.

A choked scream flew into the air and died in Ellie's throat as she shot up in her bed. She didn't know where she was, her breaths coming out in gasps of panic as she desperately tried to filter air into her lungs to no avail. Her eyes shot around the dark room, finding no sense of familiarity as flashes of dark skin, an abandoned mall, and a gunshot filled her mind before turning into that fucking basement with the old freezer and screaming and yelling. 

Wheezing breaths continued to fill the dark bedroom as Ellie kicked the sheets off her bed in a blind panic, her body surging into fight or flight. As soon as the blanket hit the ground Ellie was falling with it, backing herself into the corner as her knees pulled up to her chest. "Kid?" A voice called out, heavy with sleep. "Hey kid, you okay in there?"

The desperation to draw in a single breath grew stronger as Ellie tried and tried and tried to just fucking breathe. 

A soft knock sounded at the door. "Kid, come on. It's me- it's Joel." Joel? A soft sigh, and even through the ringing in her ears she could hear the concern laced in it. "Ellie?"

"Ellie?" Joel called again, this time almost right in front of her. She didn't realize he'd called her name more than once, or even made his way outside as she got pulled into the memories of her first bad night here. 

Ellie looked up, slight confusion on her face as she took in Joel's stance. It was clear he was trying to make himself as small as possible, approaching her gently as if she were a wounded animal he was afraid of startling. With a small chuckle Ellie realized she sort of was. "You uh, you okay?"

"What?" Ellie asked, as if she had forgotten it was 3:30 am and normal people did not crawl out of their window to sketch in their backyard in the middle of the night. "Oh. Yeah, uh sorry. Couldn't sleep." She admitted, her cheeks burning red in embarrassment. Jesus fuck, talk much?

"Alright. Well why don't you come inside? It's still a bit chilly out, don't want you catching a cold." Joel said, stepping back to give her room to get up.

Ellie nodded, suddenly noticing the chill in the air as a shiver ran up her spine. "Sorry." She said again, holding her notebook to her chest as she stood to her full height in front of Joel. 

"S'okay." Joel said, shaking his head before nodding towards the house and walking through the yard and up the porch steps. Ellie followed behind him, muttering a thanks when he slid the door open and let her cross through first. "You uh, you want to watch a movie?" Joel asked, scratching the back of his neck- something he tended to do when he was uncomfortable.

Ellie's brow furrowed, her eyes moving to the clock on the microwave that read 3:47 am before looking back at Joel. "It's the middle of the night." 

Joel shrugged. "Yeah, but you said you couldn't sleep, right?"

Ellie nodded slowly. "Right." 

Joel looked at her as if the answer were obvious. "So that settles it. What movie do you want to watch?" 

Ten minutes later Ellie was curled up on the couch while Joel got settled in on the recliner. After careful thought and debate, Ellie decided on The Martian. She'd never seen it, but she remembered one of the kids at her old group home talking about it once. "It's about a guy who gets stuck in space!" She had excitedly told Joel when he asked the hell it was. He didn't put up a fight, just selected it from the list and hit play. 

Ellie was fascinated, watching the movie with big, tired eyes as she fought off sleep so she wouldn't miss a thing. Ellie loved space; was absolutely fascinated by it. If she could be anything in the world, she'd want to be an astronaut. Go up, up, up until her head was past the clouds. Until all her problems and worries were here on Earth and she was up, up, up. 

About halfway through the movie the sounds of Joel's snores filled the room. Ellie found herself looking away from the TV as she watched Joel. He looked more at peace while he slept, although his features still remained somewhat troubled. He had laugh lines on his face, and even more frown lines. Ellie didn't even think as she grabbed her notebook from the coffee table and flipped to an open page before she began drawing. 

By the time she was done her eyes were heavy and the movie was just background noise. Slowly, and then all at once the energy left her as she let her body relax into the sofa; her notebook still open and clutched in her arms.

The sound of a cabinet slamming shut and a soft curse was the first thing she heard when Ellie woke up the next morning. She blinked her eyes open groggily as she looked around the room, realizing she was still laying on the couch; only now there was a soft blanket covering her that hadn't been there before. 

Ellie sat up, looking into the next room to see Joel moving around the kitchen as he cooked. It was pretty obvious he was trying his best to be quiet, but clearly he was failing. 

Ellie stood up from the couch, making her notebook fall to the ground. Her eyes widen slightly when she saw the picture she had drawn of Joel staring back up at her. Fuck. Had he seen it? Would he think it was weird? Of course it was fucking weird, he fell asleep and she drew him like some creep! He probably already called Marlene and told her she was a fucking stalker and he wanted her gone. Shit shit shit.

"Mornin'." Joel greeted, making Ellie look up to see he was now looking at her while he cooked. 

"Uh, hey." Ellie said awkwardly, quickly flipping her notebook shut and tucking it under her the blanket she still had wrapped around her body. 

"Ya sleep okay?" Joel asked. "Obviously I know you didn't- but I mean, after the movie?" Joel asked, awkward as ever. 

"Oh, uh yeah, I did. Thanks." Ellie said, sitting down at the kitchen table. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Don't be. It happens, kiddo." Joel shrugged nonchalantly.  

Ellie nodded. "Yeah, well then I'm sorry you had to sleep on the recliner. You already had back problems, probably made them worse, old man." 

Joel scoffed, shaking his head. "Little shit." He grumbled under his breath. Ellie grinned, knowing his words held no malice or anger. It was a nice change, one Ellie still wasn't totally used to.

"So, anything crazy planned for today?" Ellie asked. It was a Sunday, so it was Joel's one guaranteed day off. He'd have other days off, too, depending on the week. But Sunday's were always a guarantee. Ellie liked Sunday's best.

"I gotta head to the store, pick up some supplies for the week. You want to come with?"

Ellie nodded. "Sure."

"Anywhere you'd like to go?" Joel asked, making Ellie squint in confusion. 

"...like, for supplies?"

Joel snickered. "No, just in general. If we're already gonna be out there's no harm in going a few other places." 

Ellie's face heated up. "Oh. Like, a bookstore maybe?"

Joel looked over in what seemed to Ellie like surprise before he nodded. "I reckon we could do that." 

Ellie grinned. "Sweet."

Ellie learned two things: number one, middle aged men at a hardware store took longer to shop than a teenager at the mall. And number two: she fucking loved the hardware store. "Holy shit, Joel, check this out!" She exclaimed, skipping ahead of him to stare at the display of paint swatches. 

Joel's brow furrowed as a small smile formed on his face. "What? You've never picked out a paint color before?"

"No!" She exclaimed with a giggle, the smile on Joel's face wiping clean off. That happened a lot, Ellie noticed. Whenever she'd mention something from her past or commented on doing something for the first time, Joel would go broody. 

"Well," Joel cleared his throat. "Why don't you pick one out." 

"What for?" Ellie asked, not taking her eyes off all the colors in front of her as she reached up gently, letting her fingers hover but never touch. 

"Your room." 

Ellie swung around so fast she saw stars for a second. "What?" 

Joel shrugged. "It's your room, even if only temporary. I can always paint it back once you go with Marlene. But may as well have it a color you like in the meantime."

Ellie's cheeks ached from the size of the smile that was stuck on her face. "No way. No fucking way!" She exclaimed, a giddy laugh following as she turned back around and began examining each and every color. "There's so many. How does anyone pick?" 

"Start with your favorite color and go from there." Joel suggested. 

Ellie nodded as she looked over to the blues, but then the greens caught her eye- and she thought of Riley. She was quiet as her eyes skimmed the different shades over, until they landed on the perfect one. 

"That your favorite color?" Joel questioned, seeing she had finally picked one up, holding it gently in her hands like it was the most precious thing on Earth. 

"Not mine." She said simply, but Joel could hear the meaning behind what she didn't say. "Now what?" She asked, turning towards Joel. 

"Now we take it over the guy at the desk. We'll tell him how much of it we want and he'll mix it on up." 

Ellie nodded. "Cool." 

She let Joel figure out how many cans and what size they'd need. She handed the paint swatch to the man at the counter like it was a $100 bill she was eager to spend. He took Joel's name and said they’d page him when it was ready, so in the meantime Joel pushed their cart over to the next aisle and got all the painting supplies they'd need. "So we don't just throw it up there?" Ellie asked, making a gesture with her hands. 

Joel scoffed. "Kid, if ya did I'd be out a job." 

A look of confusion passed over Ellie's features. "I thought you were a carpenter? Not a painter?"

"Sometimes it falls into the same category." 

"Painting and carpeting are in the same category?" Ellie questioned, as if she didn't believe him. "How? It's literally floors and walls? Completely different."

Joel looked at her like she grew three heads. "Not that different, and carpentry isn't literally carpet, you do know that right?"

Ellie scowled. "Well seeing as I'm not a carpenter I don't know how the fuck I would know that." She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest as she stomped ahead of Joel. 

By the time they got the rest of what they'd need and the other items Joel had come for, his name was being called and Ellie's sour mood was lifted. She was practically vibrating as Joel paid and then skipped through the parking lot towards his truck. "This is going to be so cool. I cannot believe I'm actually going to paint my room. I can’t believe I even have a fucking room.” Cue Joel’s broody look.

"Still want to go to the bookstore?" He asked. And Ellie did, boy she did, but now that she had the paint sitting by her feet it was all she could think about. "We've got time for both, kiddo. We can still paint your room tonight." 

Ellie looked over at him. "Yeah?" She asked, which sounded a lot like promise. 

"Yeah." Promise. 

Ellie could tell Joel felt out of his element as he trailed behind her while she scanned the various shelves. She didn't have any money, obviously, but she was taking notes on the books and comics she'd want to get as soon as she did. "What're you writin' down?" Joel finally asked.

"Oh, I'm just writing down what I want to come back for as soon as I get myself some money." Ellie explained. Before she could even say another word Joel was snatching the notebook out of her hand while ripping the piece of paper out and crumbling it into a ball. "Hey!" Ellie's angry eyes landed on him. 

"Kid, I've got money right now. Why the hell do ya think I agreed to bring you here? Pick out what you want." Joel said, tossing the paper into a nearby trash can. 

Ellie kept her gaze on him, scrutinizing him in a way. She searched his face and eyes for anything ulterior. She didn't find anything, though. She never did. Even so, Ellie was cautious. "So what do you want in return then?"

"What?" Joel questioned. "What are you talking about?"

Ellie crossed her arms and stood a little straighter, trying in vain to appear intimidating. "I mean, you bought me paint, are letting me paint my room, and are gonna buy me whatever books and comics I want? What's in it for you? What do you want in return?"

Joel sighed. "Kid, I don't want nothin' in return. I've got money, I don't mind. If ya don't want to get the books that's fine, but if ya do then just get them."

Ellie didn't crack. "I'm not going to fuck you."

If Ellie wasn't secretly terrified, she would've laughed at the way Joel's eyes bugged out of his head. "Jesus Christ, kid. I don't- I'd never-" Joel closed his eyes and sighed. "Where in the hell would you ever get an idea like that?" Ellie didn't answer, but it seemed Joel figured it out anyway. 

"Listen," he started, kneeling down so he was eye level with her, his knees cracking in the process, "I’ve said it before, I don't know what you've been through or who you've had to stay with, but that's not- that will never be a thing here, okay? I don't expect anything from you, certainly not that. Okay?" Joel asked, his eyes boring into her own. "Kid, I gotta hear you say it." Joel pleaded. 

"Okay." Ellie forced out, her eyes still sharp as she stared at him. Joel stared right back, but his eyes didn’t show the same primal fear and anger and distrust that Ellie’s did. No, his just showed sadness. Deep, deep sadness. 

“Why don’t I put down some boundaries, would that make you feel better?”

“Boundaries?” Ellie questioned. 

Joel nodded. “How ‘bout you can only pick three books?” 

Ellie was quiet as she mulled it over in her head. It did make her feel better, she had to admit. She didn’t like being indebted to people, didn’t like them having something they could hold over her head and use against her. And Joel was all fucking about adding more and more to the never ending tab of things she owed him. So, setting boundaries with it definitely did appeal to her. “Okay.” Ellie nodded. 

“And no pun books.” Joel added, making Ellie smirk. 

“No fucking deal, old man. I’m finding the three punniest books in this place.” Ellie teased as if she hasn’t just accused him of being a pedophile only moments before, before she turned around and made her way back towards the comics section where she saw a few issues of Savage Starlight. If she hadn’t turned away she would’ve seen the smile that formed on Joel’s face as he followed after her.

Ellie baby has so much ptsd and she doesn’t even begin to know what to do with it

let me know what you think!

Chapter Text

Joel sighed, wiping a hand across his forehead as he looked around the guest room- Ellie's room. Painters tape lined the ceiling, floor, and doorways. A layer of clear tarp was thrown over the hardwood and the few pieces of furniture were moved to the center of the room to avoid getting paint on them. Joel had to admit, it looked good so far. Three walls were painted and only one remained. 

"Hey Joel, did you know I used to be addicted to soap?" Ellie asked, a grin already on her paint splattered face. How she managed to get more paint on herself than the walls, Joel couldn't figure out. 

"Is that so?" He grumbled, running his paint brush through the fresh paint. They had a system; Ellie painted the bottom of the walls (the half that would make Joel's knees crack as he bent down for) and he painted the top half (the half that Ellie was just too short to properly reach). 

Ellie sighed, and Joel could tell her sigh would've sounded the exact same regardless of if he would've responded or not. "Yeah, but I'm clean now."

"Terrible." Joel commented, keeping his focus on the wall as he rolled the painter over it. 

Ellie's giggles filled the room, making a small smile of his own form; one he kept hidden from her. "Asshole." 

It never failed to surprise him when she'd call him an asshole or dick. Although he'd definitely take that over pedophile, which she may as well have called him only a few hours before. There was still a knot in his stomach that had formed the second the statement had left her mouth. 'I'm not going to fuck you.' Joel shivered. She said it so nonchalantly, so matter-of-fact. But even so he remembered hearing the fear hidden deep behind her casual tone. It was jarring; hearing those words come out of a 14 year olds mouth and be directed towards him. He knew the weight behind her words, knew there was no way she just said it to say it. She had reason. She truly felt in that moment that he had ulterior motives for the things he did, and the only way a fourteen year old thought that as instinct in the way that she did was if it came from experience. And that thought gutted Joel.

"Can I ask you something?" He asked, almost surprising himself at the sound of his voice speaking. If he thought about it for too long he knew he wouldn't get the words out, but he couldn't sit with this feeling another moment. 

"Uh, sure." Ellie replied. Joel knew she could tell this was serious, as she turned away from him to focus on her own area of the wall she was painting. 

"Earlier, when you said-" Joel hesitated. "Well, you know. What made you say that?" 

Ellie was quiet, and if Joel hadn't turned around to look at her he would've thought she left the room. He didn't think she was going to reply at all, and he was fine with that. He didn't expect her to open up after two weeks, especially when he hasn't exactly gone out of his way to make her feel like she could.

"I didn't- I wasn't-" Ellie started, making Joel turn his head back around so fast he swore he gave himself whiplash. It was clear she was struggling to find the words to say. "you learn...there are...expectations." Joel closed his eyes as his back stiffened. "You have to learn pretty quick who you can trust and who you can't, and the list of who can't is a lot longer than the list of those you can." Ellie shrugged, clearly trying to downplay the words she was saying. Joel doesn't think it was possible to downplay it, she could dress up as a clown and juggle and he'd still have to swallow down the bile in his throat. "I wasn't trying to like, accuse you, or anything. I just- people don't tend to have good intentions, ya know?" Joel didn't know. He'd never had to know what it was like to need to know adults intentions when you were just trying to survive. To know if someone was feeding you to simply take care of you, or for their own benefit- so you'd owe them something. He couldn't imagine what that was like, and he despised that she did. 

Joel was quiet as her words circled his head and he got lost in his thoughts, in his emotions. Guilt, rage, despair; all of it filled him to the brim and threatened to spill over as he gripped the paint roller in his hand so hard his knuckles turned white and he felt the black handle snap. "It's not a big deal, really." Ellie spoke up again, making Joel look over at her. She was now looking at him, or more specifically the broken roller in his hands, with an odd mix of confusion and fear in her eyes. Shit. "I'm sorry." 

Joel's eyes narrowed. "Why the hell are you sorry?" He asked, his voice tougher than he wanted as he stared at her incredulously. "What could you possibly have to apologize for?"

Ellie swallowed and looked down. "I shouldn't have said anything. You said we should keep our histories to ourselves, you just-" She was about to say you asked but thought better of it. Joel could see that clear as day. She was scared to put it on him, even though it'd be rightfully so. He did ask. And yet she was still apologizing and scared. Scared of him. That thought sent another wave of nausea through Joel. "I shouldn't have said anything." Ellie said again. 

"Ellie," Joel said carefully, exhaling as he sat down the paint roller. "you have nothing to apologize for. Okay? I asked, and you didn't have to tell me, but- but I'm glad you trusted me enough to." Ellie looked up at that, shocked by the direction the conversation had taken. "And I'm real sorry."

Ellie nodded, swallowing. "Do you uh, do you think you could maybe finish up in here? I think the paint fumes are starting to get to me." She tried to joke, but Joel knew that was bullshit. The windows were open as well as her door and he kept the fan on; but he wouldn't argue.

"Sure, kiddo. Why don't you go wash up? Pretty sure you got half the paint can in your hair alone."

Ellie snickered. "Dick." 

Joel forced a small laugh as she flipped him off and grabbed her bookbag before walking out of the bedroom. Joel waited until he heard the sound of the shower running before he kicked the paint bucket over and threw the roller against the wall. His body shook with rage, rage he'd never dare to show in front of Ellie. But with her a room away and safe under the sound of the shower head, he was free to let it out. And that's exactly what he did. 

By the time Ellie emerged from the shower, hair still damp and with fresh clothes on (that Joel knew she'd had crammed in her backpack) her room was painted to perfection and Joel was cleaning up the supplies. No sign of the fit he'd thrown remained, and his face was back to his neutral expression. "Shit, this place looks awesome!" Ellie exclaimed, a giddy smile on her face.

Joel grinned and nodded softly. "Yeah, I reckon it does." Joel gathered the last of the supplies into his arms before letting himself out the back door and heading to his shed to pack everything up. It was then he was hit with another troubling thought- where the hell would she sleep until the fumes were gone?

The obvious choice felt like his room, he'd take the couch for the next couple of nights just to play it safe, and she'd have his room. But how the hell was he supposed to ask a girl who just confided in him about what'd she'd been through in the system to sleep in his bed? He wouldn't be in it, obviously, but would she trust that? Would she trust him? "Fuck." Joel swore under his breath, bracing his hands on his work bench as he took a deep breath. His eyes locked on the cracked watch on his wrist and he felt his shoulders sag as he nodded his head before whispering a soft okay into the air. 

Back in the house he saw Ellie laying on the couch reading one of the books she'd picked out earlier in the day. Joel didn't say anything as he made his way to the hall closet and pulled the old blowup mattress down before walking back into the living room. Ellie was too enthralled in her book, so Joel had to clear his throat to get her attention, shaking the rolled up, deflated blowup mattress in front of her. "I got good news and bad news, kiddo." 

Ellie blinked. "Of course you do. Let's hear it, old man."

"You're not gonna be able to sleep in your room for at least a couple days until the fumes settle. But, I've got this bad boy. Figured one of us could take the blowup mattress and the other my bed. Your pick." Joel offered, holding his breath as he watched Ellie. 

He prepared himself for a flinch, or flash of fear in her eyes, but to his great surprise she only smirked. "As if your old man back could ever survive on a blowup mattress. Keep your bed, I'll be fine on that." 

Joel released a breath he didn't realize he was holding with a small chuckle and shake of his head. "Brat. I'm gonna get dinner started, you know how to set this thing up or need my help?" 

Ellie scoffed. "Please, I used to sleep on these all the time. I've got it taken care of."

Joel knew she didn't mean anything by it, that much was clear in the casualness of her tone- that she seemed to always have. But Joel still felt his chest tighten. "All the time, huh?"

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't go all broody on me now." She teased. "Trust me, I've slept on much worse, dude. A blow mattress is nothing." 

God damn. "Not exactly making me feel better here, kid." 

"Sorry." Ellie said sheepishly. "If it does make you feel any better, you're the first person to let me have my own bed." 

He knew she was trying to make him feel better, but the pit in Joel's stomach only grew larger. But her words hid a thank you under them, one Joel heard without her having to say it. "Don't know if I'd say that makes me feel better, but I'm sure glad you have one now." You're welcome. 

Ellie nodded. "Do you think I'll have one when Marlene comes back for me? A bed, I mean." 

Joel nodded. "I'm sure you will."

"Cool." Ellie nodded. "Do you uh, do you know Marlene well?" 

Joel shrugged. "Wouldn't say well. She's more a friend of my brothers, I suppose." 

Ellie's head perked up. "You have a brother?"

"I do. Name's Tommy." 

"Is he younger or older than you?" 

"Younger." 

Ellie nodded. "That's so cool. I always wanted a sister." Joel felt a pang in his chest. "But not like the girls in the group or foster homes, like an actual sister." Ellie mused, blissfully unaware of the scenarios flashing through Joel's head as he absorbed the word sisters. "She told me she knew my mom." That caught Joel's attention again, as he shook himself away from his thoughts and focused back on Ellie. "Do you think she knew where I was all this time?" 

"I don't know, kid." Joel sighed. "I reckon that may be something you'll have to ask her when she comes back for ya."

"Right." It was halfhearted at best, and Joel didn't expect more. He didn't blame her for wanting answers, but he certainly didn't have them to give.

"Say, you want to learn how to cook fajitas?" Joel asked, a making the young girl perk up as if nothing had dampened her mood to begin with. 

"Fuck yes!" 

Making fajitas was, in one word, disastrous. They were edible, which Joel supposed was a win (the smile on Ellie's face was an even bigger win) but the mess, and more importantly the fresh cut on Ellie's hand, were major fails. "Ow." Ellie complained, her arm jerking on reflex as Joel cleaned the wound with alcohol. 

"Sit still." He grumbled, pulling her wrist back towards him as he dabbed at the cut before grabbing a bandage. 

"Sorry." Ellie said softly, her body tense as she watched Joel's movements carefully.

Joel didn't say anything, instead wrapping the bandage over the cut and pressing down gently. "There ya go." Joel sighed. "Now. What'd we learn?" 

"Don't pun and cut at the same time?" Ellie tried with a sheepish grin. 

"Cute." Joel remarked sarcastically. "Next time we cook, your first lessons gonna be how to hold a damn knife." 

"Next time?" Ellie questioned, her eyes following Joel as he stood up from the chair and gathered the first aid supplies.

"Yeah. Figure I can show ya how to make chili con carne next. Or maybe nachos." Joel shrugged, throwing away the trash they made before grabbing two plates as he fixed them each one. 

Ellie scoffed. "I can make nachos. It's literally just chips and cheese, right? Like from the store?" 

"Oh no." Joel shook his head. "No, no, no. That's- just no. First you gotta make your own tortilla chips, then make the guac from scratch, the salsa, the queso. None of the store bought shit, all homemade, tex-mex style." Joel explained as he put her plate of steak fajitas in front of her. 

"What the fuck is a tex-mex?" Ellie questioned, her nose scrunched up as she grabbed her plate of steak fajitas from Joel as he moved to sit down in front of her. "And I thought you said you couldn't cook?"

"Short for Texans of Mexican Heritage, or just Texan-Mexican if you're Tommy." Joel snickered, taking a bite of his food before swallowing. "And I never said I couldn't cook, I just don't like to cook." That's a lie. Joel thought bitterly, one Ellie could probably see through just by how he was talking now. He did like to cook, loved it, actually. His mother taught him everything she knew; she was the best cook. And when she died Joel taught Tommy everything he knew. And then he had Sarah and taught her, too. Sarah just ate it all up. She absolutely loved to cook, was probably better than Joel was. Then it became their thing. She was always so excited to learn a different recipe or make something new, especially if it was something Joel hadn't made before either. 

He stopped cooking after she died. 

Ellie still looked confused as she stared at Joel while he shook himself out of his thoughts and took another bite of his fajita, before her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Wait. You're Mexican?!" 

Joel snickered, nodding his head as if to say no shit as he lifted a brow. "Yeah, that gonna be a problem?" 

"No! No, of course not, jackass. I just didn't know you were fucking Mexican, dude. That's so cool! Can you speak Spanish?" 

"Sí." 

Ellie beamed. "No fucking way! You've gotta teach me! I mean, not Sí, even I know what that means, but like actual Spanish! Will you teach me?" 

Joel couldn't help but grin, it was obvious to him that this was Ellie. The kid who got so excited she couldn't get her mouth to move as fast as her thoughts (Joel also suspected she had a bit of undiagnosed ADHD going on, but that wasn't really his business), the kid who wanted to learn just about everything she could, who liked to draw, and actually enjoyed reading- especially shitty puns. That kid was Ellie. The kid who flinched and called him a pedophile and who woke up screaming most nights, was just a product of the circumstances she was dealt. He wouldn't admit it out loud, but he was starting to actually like Ellie. Ellie made him want to take all of the bad parts- all of her pain and suffering- and add them to his own, so she could just be a normal kid. Just be Ellie. 

"Sure kid, I'll teach ya." Joel grinned. 

"Fuck yes! That's so cool. Joel, how do you say fuck you, motherfucker in Spanish?" 

Joel pointed his own fork at her plate. "Eat your food." 

Ellie rolled her eyes, but the smile remained on her face the rest of dinner. 

"You gonna be okay out here, kiddo?" Joel asked as he stood in the doorway between the hall and living room as he watched Ellie get situated on the blowup mattress he had laid out in the middle of the living room. 

Ellie nodded. "Yep, all good." Joel narrowed his eyes slightly, noticing the enthusiasm she'd had earlier was now gone. After the lock debacle with her bedroom door it became pretty obvious she needed that feeling of security, and she definitely didn't have it in the living room, but Joel was out of options. He didn't know what else he could do to make her feel better. 

"Alright." He sighed, lingering for another moment. "Well, if ya need anything just holler."

"Like you'd hear me, old man." Ellie joked, making Joel shake his head. 

"Brat." He shot back. "G'night, Ellie.”

"Night, Joel."

That night Joel kept his door open, just a crack, so he’d be able to hear if Ellie needed him. 

This ones a tad shorter, I’ve been battling the stomach flu and struggled to get this one out but didn’t want to keep y’all waiting any longer

Hope you guys enjoy! Huge thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to comment and let me know what you think, it means the world to me! :)

Chapter Text

Ellie suppressed another yawn as she clicked through the channels on the TV in the living room. As per usual, nothing remotely intriguing was on and Ellie was going out of her mind with boredom. She'd slept surprisingly well for being stuck in the living room with practically no security, but she still found herself laying awake throughout most of the night and had nothing to distract herself during the day. She was exiled to the living room with a stupid TV that she didn't know what to watch on and her handful of books and comics that she'd already read through at least once. 

Her gaze moved from the TV to the front window where she could see a few neighborhood kids playing outside. They were clearly several years younger than Ellie, so she certainly wouldn't be joining them, but maybe she could still explore the area; meet some kids who were her age. With any luck they wouldn't be annoying assholes, but Ellie had never had a lot of luck. 

She glanced at the time on the clock above the TV, mentally doing the math to see how long she'd be able to stay out before Joel would be back. She didn't know if he'd care if she left, he didn't tell her she couldn't, but he also didn't tell her she could. 

"Fuck it." Ellie grumbled, pulling some of the clothes out of her bookbag to make more room and lessen the load before tossing a few snacks and bottle of water in their place. She'd never been given a key, so she left the door unlocked and prayed to whoever was listening that no one would decide to help themselves to Joel's stuff while she was gone. 

She'd left the house on a few occasions with Joel in the past couple weeks she'd been here, but never on her own. She remembered passing a park nearby on their way to the store one day, so she decided to start there. 

She wasn't confident in her directions, everything seemed a little different from when she was seeing it through the windshield of Joel's truck, but soon enough she could hear kids laughing and then saw the park come into view. It was nice, Ellie realized as her eyes took it all in. Seemed new, or maybe it was just well kept. There was a couple different playground areas, one for really little kids and one for bigger-little kids. There was a blacktop with basketball hoops, a small ramp for skating, and a large splash pad in the center of it all. The part Ellie was interested in though, was the trail that led around the park and to a pond that was just behind the playgrounds. There were a few benches and she made sure to grab her notebook so she could sketch. It was perfect. The park wasn't too crowded, it wasn't quite summer yet so most kids were still in school. There were some really small kids playing on the playground while parents sat and watched nearby, a couple teenagers were skating, and two boys were sat at a bench facing the pond. Ellie was planning on ignoring them, until she saw the Savage Starlight comic held tightly in the hands of the younger boy. "No way, is that Volume 7? Dude I've been looking for that one everywhere!" Ellie exclaimed, unable to hold in her excitement as she looked between the boy and his comic- only he kept his eyes firmly on the page of the graphic novel.

"He's not ignoring you." The older one spoke up, making Ellie look over to him. "He'd deaf." 

"Oh." 

The boy grinned, nudging the younger one to get his attention before he started signing. Ellie stayed where she was, watching the two interact with fascination. Suddenly the younger boys attention was on her and he was offering her a huge smile. "His name's Sam. I'm Henry." The older one introduced.

"I'm Ellie. How uh, how do I tell him that in sign language?" She asked, wanting to be able to tell Sam her name on her own. 

Henry's eyes widened ever so slightly as his smile grew before he walked Ellie through the hand signs. 

Before she even realized it she'd spent over an hour sitting with Sam and Henry, absorbing everything Henry was teaching her so she could communicate with Sam. She hadn't even pulled her sketch book out of her bag the entire time, instead grabbing the copy of Savage Starlight she'd brought as her and Sam bantered back and forth. "Endure" Ellie said, her voice deep as she mimicked Sam's hands "and Survive." She finished, smiling as Sam offered her a high-five. "So cool."

"So Ellie, do you live in the area?" Henry asked, making Ellie look up at him with narrowed eyes. He instantly picked up on her hesitation, holding his hands up in surrender. "Sorry, didn't mean to come off weird. Sam and I just moved here, that's why I ask."

Ellie nodded her head. "Yeah, I do. I just moved here too, actually. Not to Boston, but the area I guess."

Henry nodded. "Sam hasn't really had a chance to make friends yet, but he seems to have really taken a liking to you." 

Ellie grinned, glancing back to Sam who's attention was back on his comic. "He's cool. I uh, I'm done with school for the year so I'm pretty free during the days. I'll probably come here quite a bit, if he ever wants to hang out." Ellie offered awkwardly. She was never great at making friends, in her old foster and group homes she was usually trying to avoid the other kids. Except for Riley.

"Yeah, I think he'd like that." Henry said.

"Where'd you guys move from?" Ellie asked, her natural curiosity getting the best of her.

"Kansas City." 

Ellie nodded. "Cool. Why'd you guys move?" 

"Why'd you?" Henry asked. It wasn't rude or mean, but Ellie could tell maybe she was prying too much. Curiosity killed the cat. 

"New foster care placement." Ellie shrugged. Henry winced, clearly not expecting that answer. "It's not a big deal, definitely not my first rodeo." 

Henry nodded, then went quiet for a minute. "Boston Children's Hospital. That's why we moved. It's the best in the country and Sam- he's uh, he's got Leukemia." 

Ellie swallowed thickly, looking down at her hands in her lap. "That sucks. That really, really sucks. I'm sorry." 

Henry shrugged. "Don't be sorry. Maybe just be his friend." 

And Ellie was. Everyday that week Ellie went to the park in the morning with her Savage Starlight comics and a bookbag full of food and stayed until Henry took Sam home in the late afternoon. Some days they'd play with the soccer ball that Henry had found. On the days that Sam didn't have the energy, they'd sit and read their respective Savage Starlight comics, trading with each other once they were done. But no matter what, Sam taught Ellie new signs everyday. So far her favorite was fuck you, motherfucker- but that one earned them both a death glare from Henry (it was quickly followed up with a grin, though, when he saw the smile on his brother's face). 

The rest of the week flew by, thanks to her daily visits with Sam and Henry, and before Ellie knew it it was Friday night and she was in the kitchen with Joel, folding and cutting soft tortilla shells while Joel placed them in the oil to fry into chips. "This is so cool." Ellie gushed, her hand subconsciously coming up to sign the word cool as she said it. 

Joel quirked an eyebrow, watching her from the corner of his eye. "You know sign language?" He asked, making Ellie drop the knife she was holding and nearly cut herself- again. "Jesus kid, careful." 

Ellie's heart was pounding in her ears as she shakily picked up the knife. What would Joel do if he found out she'd be sneaking out everyday? Although, it wasn't really sneaking- she was literally going out the front door. But still, she was leaving his house without telling him. At her other homes they would've thought she was running away and they'd ship her off before she could do it again. There was a reason her name was on a file labeled flight risk. "Sorry." Ellie said quickly, when she realized an unnatural amount of time had gone by without her responding. "Uh, k-kinda, I guess. I'm learning." 

Ellie mentally crossed her fingers and hoped that Joel didn't think she was acting weird. From her peripheral she watched as he nodded his head and moved his eyes back towards the pot of grease on the stove. "Everything okay?" He finally asked. Shit. 

"Fine!" Ellie answered, too quickly and too enthusiastically. Double shit. 

"You're being weird. Weirder than normal." Triple shit. Fuck. 

"Fuck you, man. I'm not being weird." Ellie shot back with a scowl.

"If you say so." Joel chuckled. "Little miss defensive over there." 

Ellie narrowed her eyes. "I'm not fucking defensive, asshole."

Joel chuckled again, only pissing Ellie off further. "Yeah, sure you're not."

"Whatever. Asshole." Ellie grumbled, shoving a handful of cut up tortilla shells into his hands rougher than she needed to. 

Ellie's anger was short lived, as Joel grabbed an avocado and taught her how to cut it to help prepare the guac. Ellie decided that was her new favorite thing to cut, and she made a mental note to ask Sam how to sign avocado next time she saw him. 

While Ellie cut the avocado, Joel started slicing the jalapeños. "What are those?" Ellie asked, her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth as she shifted her concentration back to the avocado in her hands.

"Jalapeños. Ever tried?" 

"Nope." Ellie said, reaching a hand out before Joel had a chance to respond and grabbing a slice of jalapeño and popping it into her mouth. Joel opened his mouth, ready to give her a too-late warning before she was spatting it out into her hand, her face scrunched up as she scraped her tongue against her teeth. "Ugh, what the fuck, man?! A little fucking warning that I was biting into a goddamn volcano would've been nice." 

Joel chuckled, "If you weren't so feral you would've waited and heard my warning. Drama queen"

Ellie chucked the chewed up jalapeño into the trash before shooting a dirty, untrusting look to the ones remaining on the cutting board. "That shit was foul. How do people eat that? And fuck you, by the way, I'm not feral and I'm not a fucking drama queen." 

"I don't blame ya for not liking it. Jalapeños are pretty nosy." Joel said nonchalantly, as he cut more of the pepper up.

Ellie's brow furrowed in confusion, her focus shifting back to Joel. "What?"

"Yeah." Joel nodded. "They get jalapeño business." 

Ellie was quiet for a minute, before a huge grin broke out on her face. "Dude." She said with a laugh. "That was so bad!"

"Come on, an easy seven." 

"I'd give it a three, maybe a four for timing." Ellie said, still giggling. "Definitely nacho best." 

Joel's eyes shot over to her. "Oh, you little shit." Ellie threw her head back, her laugh filling the kitchen as Joel's soon joined hers. 

"I never knew nachos could be so good." Ellie said through a full mouth as she shoveled another bite into her mouth, the tortilla chip barely visible under the toppings she had loaded on-top. 

"Cause you were eatin' store bought chips and cheese from a can. Ain't nothin' good about that." 

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Chef." 

Joel reached out and ruffled a hand over Ellie's hair, making her smack his hand away with a huff. "What movie did you decide on for tonight?" 

Ellie grinned, her eyes lighting up as she ran to grab the DVD she had found earlier. "Spaceballs?" Joel asked with a laugh. 

"Spaceballs!" Ellie echoed, smiling excitedly as she stared down at the DVD case in her hand. "Dude, this looks so cool." 

"Not sure if you're gonna be saying that soon." 

"Whatever, man." Ellie said, as she opened the case and slid the DVD into the player. 

By the time the credits were rolling, Ellie's cheeks hurt from laughing and the large plate of nachos was basically gone. "Oh man, you seriously didn't like it?" Ellie asked incredulously.

Joel snickered. "Not exactly my cup of tea, kid. My brother always thought it was funny, though." 

Ellie perked up. "Tommy, right?" It wasn't often Joel talked about his personal life. In fact, him telling her about his brother may have been the only personal thing he'd shared with Ellie so far. Him so casually mentioning his brother felt huge for Ellie. Like she was stepping over some invisible line that separated him from just a stranger she was staying with to an actual guardian. Not a parent; no, definitely not a parent. But someone who cared all the same. 

"That's right." Joel nodded. "I reckon you two would get along. He was always an ornery little shit growing up." A teasing smile was on Joel's face, along with a far off look in his eyes. Like he was stuck in a memory. 

"Are you saying I'm an ornery little shit?" Ellie asked, a lighthearted scowl on her face.

"I didn't say that." Joel joked.

"Does your brother live around here?" Ellie asked, picking at her nails awkwardly as she tried to steer the conversation back to Joel's life. So what if she's curious? Sue her.

Joel shook his head. "No, he's in Wyoming now." 

Ellie scoffed. "Wyoming? What the fucks in Wyoming?" 

Joel grinned. "Small little town called Jackson. He was never a big fan of the city life, that one."

"You see him a lot?" Ellie asked, and immediately she wished she would've stopped while she was ahead as Joel's eye cast downward and his jaw tightened. She nearly changed the subject, puns and random topics flying through her head in a frenzy as she thought of something else to say so she wouldn't fuck up the minuscule progress they'd made. But then Joel spoke. 

"No." His voice was gruff, like it was when they first met. "It's been a long time since I've seen him. Too long." Ellie didn't know how to respond to that, her eyebrows pinched together as she stared at her hands in her lap. "I got no one to blame than myself for that." 

Ellie nodded, absorbing his words like the sponge she was. "What'd you do?" She asked before she could stop herself. 

Joel sighed. "That's a long story, kid. Maybe one for another time." Joel didn't leave any opportunity for Ellie to push as he stood to his feet and grabbed the dirtied dishes off the coffee table before making his way into the kitchen. 

Ellie’s attempts at helping were met with an “I got it, kid.” and after enough time passed in awkward silence Ellie finally made her way to her room. 

Eventually Joel passed through the hall, offering a “Night, kiddo.” Through the door before Ellie was back in silence, staring at the pages of her Savage Starlight novel.

Looking back, Ellie realized, the whole thing really was her fault. Although she’d never admit that out loud. It’d been a week and a half now of Ellie sneaking out during the day to hang out with Sam and Henry, and she always made it back home well before Joel. 

Today, however, as Ellie bound down the street with a grin on her face and her Savage Starlight graphic novel clutched in her hands, she was met with the site of Joel’s truck sitting in the driveway. “Fuck.” 

Ellie had barely made it two steps inside before the sound of footsteps stomping down the hallway filled the home. “Where in the hell have you been?” Joel demanded, his face was red and somehow he looked like he’d aged ten years since she saw him the night before. 

Ellie opened her mouth, but words didn’t come to her. This was it. This was the moment that everything went to shit. She was Murphys Law, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 

“You can’t just leave and not tell me where you are, Ellie! I was worried sick!” Wait, what? 

“What?” Ellie asked, her voice hardly above a whisper as stared at Joel in confusion. Worried? No way she heard that right. He was mad at her, pissed. She broke a rule. Granted it wasn’t a rule he ever specified with her, but surely it was a rule she should’ve known and she broke it. 

“Boston ain’t some safe place, Ellie. You can’t just go wandering without telling me where you’re gonna be! What if-“ Joel took a step towards Ellie, his hands coming up by his head.

Instinct took over and before she knew what was happening Ellie was staggering back with a flinch, her back hitting the door behind her. Her eyes slammed shut; her body tensing as she braced herself for the hit that was about to come. When it didn’t, and Joel’s words cut off sharply, she slowly peeled her eyes open. 

Joel’s hands were back down at his sides, a look of horror, guilt, and sorrow mixed into one gracing his features as his eyes softened. “Ellie.” 

“I’m sorry.” Ellie apologized, cutting him off. Her fight or flight was taking over and she was stuck between the two instincts, each one pulling at her so hard she felt like she’d split in two. Her heart was racing, heat rushing to her cheeks as she stood in defense. She still wasn’t convinced she wasn’t getting hit, and the sheer volume of emotions in his gaze was enough to fill her with an overwhelming feeling. Of what exactly, Ellie wasn’t sure. Embarrassment? She did just make a complete fool of herself. Guilt? She was just concerned with hanging out with her friend, meanwhile Joel was worried. An adult was actually worried about her. Panic? She didn’t know this feeling. This feeling of having someone worry about you and actually care. It scared Ellie, absolutely terrified her. Because she was used to getting hurt, but in the past none of the people who hurt her cared about her and she didn’t care about them. But in her time with Joel she was finding that she did care, and she thought maybe he did, too. It was new. It was scary. And Ellie was panicking. 

“Kiddo.” Joel tried again, taking a hesitant step towards Ellie, his arms slowly raising back up with his palms facing her, fingers spread, as if to say I surrender. Ellie only pressed back further into the door, making Joel stop in his tracks. 

“I’m sorry.” Ellie said again, her voice pathetically small as her breaths came out in quick, short pants. 

“Ellie, it’s okay. I ain’t mad, I ain’t gonna hurt ya.” Joel tried to reassure. “I was just worried, kiddo. Didn’t know where ya were. I ain’t gonna hurt ya, okay? But I need you to take a deep breath for me, kid. In and out, alright?” Ellie nodded, blinking back the tears that filled her eyes as she tried to match her breathing to Joel’s. “There ya go, kiddo. There ya go.” 

“I’m sorry.” Ellie said for a third time, when her breathing was finally back to normal and she had aggressively wiped the tears from her eyes. 

“You want to tell me what just happened?” Joel asked, his eyes still holding that same concern. He didn’t make an attempt to come any closer, but he did lower his arms back to his sides. 

Ellie shrugged. “I don’t- you’ve never punished me I guess. Figured this was gonna be the first time and I didn’t know what to expect.” Ellie played it off, just like everything. But just like everything else, she knew Joel could see right through it. 

“Ellie.” Joel sighed. “I may yell, and I’m sorry ‘bout that, but I will never, never, lay a hand on you. I’m sorry that people did in the past, but that ain’t how it’s gonna be around here. Okay?” 

Ellie nodded. 

“I need to hear you say it, kiddo.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Ellie said with another nod. 

“Alright.” Joel said. “What do you say you go get cleaned up and I’ll order in for dinner. Pizza sound okay?”

Pizza? Ellie looked up, confused again. Fuck, this really sucked. “You mean I can eat dinner?” 

Joel’s frown deepened. “Yeah, kiddo.” He said said, his voice impossibly small. “Did- did you not get to eat before? If you got in trouble?”

Ellie shrugged. “Depended on the place, I guess. When I fucked up some would send me away with no food for a day or so. Others would hit. Then there was the- the freezer.” Ellie looked down. “Everyone kinda had their preferences, I guess.” Ellie swallowed thickly. “Do you?” 

“Ellie. Can you look at me, kiddo?” Do I have to? Ellie’s hesitant eyes met his. “I know I yelled, and I’m sorry for that. I just- I didn’t know where you were. If you were safe, or hurt, or-.” Joel sighed. “I shouldn’t have yelled, kid. From now we just talk it out, okay?” 

Ellie kept her gaze locked on Joel, her eyes searching his for any reason not to believe him. Not that she had much of a reason to believe him in the first place. She’d known him less than a month. They both knew going into this that it was temporary. What was keeping him from doing something knowing he already had an out? So she searched for a weakness, a fault. Something in his eyes that would tell her he wasn’t genuine. That she wasn’t safe. Something that would give her a reason to fall back into those fight or flight instincts and run. 

When she found none, she nodded. “Okay.”

Oof, it’s been a minute.

So sorry for the delay in update, I hit a bit of a slump, but I’m feelin’ good now and tried to make this one a little longer for you guys :)

Hope ya enjoy! 

Chapter Text

Joel sighed. This is was the part he had been dreading. He told himself over, and over, and over; it was just a favor. Nothing more. 

Well. Now it was more. 

Because he fucking cared. The goddamn air got sucked out of his lungs the second that girl flinched back from him. Because of him. 

And the worst part was he wasn't even angry at her. He was worried. So goddamn worried when he got home and couldn't find her that his chest tightened and his hands started to shake. Had she run off? Marlene told him she had a history of that. But there was a lot of things Marlene had told him that he'd yet to see from the girl. Anger issues, tendency to start fights, physical altercations. She had a mouth on her, that much was for sure. Little thing was sassy as hell and quick with it, too. But she wasn't anything like how she was described in her documents. She was just a misunderstood kid who had never been given a chance. 

So would she really run off? Or had something else happened? Did someone break in and snatch her? Kill her? Every worst case scenario had run through Joel's mind as his feet carried him through the home. She couldn't have run off, her clothes were still here. Granted, they were folded neatly on her bed, instead of in her closet or dresser. But that was an issue that'd have to wait. Along with the issue of the food he'd found hidden in her dresser drawer where her clothes should be. That had made a fresh wave of emotions hit him, but he didn't have time to dwell on it then. Not when Ellie wasn't fucking there. Not when his kid was missing. 

When did she go from a favor to his kid? No. Not his kid. But maybe she could be? Joel thought to himself as he watched her from across the kitchen table. Every instinct was telling him to wipe those thoughts from his head. Call Marlene and tell her it's not working out. Because if he lets Ellie in, if he lets himself care more than he already does, one of two things will happen. He'll either fail her, just like he failed Sarah, or he won't be able to say goodbye when this ends. And he doesn't know which one scares him more. 

"How's your pizza?" Joel asked, paying no mind to the fact that he hasn't even touched his and he's spent the last ten minutes staring at Ellie while she picked half-heartedly at hers. After the whole ordeal his hands were still shaking too hard and he knew if he even attempted to cook something he'd end up burning the whole house down. And that was the last thing they needed to add onto the day. 

"Good." She said simply, her voice soft and hesitant. Two things Ellie wasn't. And it killed him to hear her revert to a shell-like version of the loud kid he'd gotten to know. 

"That's good." Joel didn't know what else to say. He wanted to know where she was today. Was she planning on running off but decided to come back? Why hasn't she put her clothes away? Why was she hiding food? Joel needed the answers, maybe then his damn hands would stop shaking. 

"Are you going to send me back?" Ellie asked, breaking Joel out of his rambling thoughts. 

His face was blank for a moment, her question sinking in as he stared at her. She hadn't taken a bite in awhile and her head was down, fidgeting with her fingers that were folded in her lap. "What?"

"Are you going to send me back?" She asked again, her tone the exact same. 

No. No, no, no, no! Joel wanted to shout. "Is that what your old foster families would do?" He asked instead. 

Ellie shrugged. "Yeah. There's too many risks when it comes to runaways. It's not worth the trouble." I'm not worth the trouble. Is what Joel heard. 

"Is that what you were doing? Running away?" Joel asked.

Ellie shook her head quickly, so quickly Joel was afraid she'd make herself dizzy. "No! No, I swear. I wasn't running away." 

Joel nodded. "I believe you. I didn't think you were, saw your clothes sitting on your bed."

Ellie froze, but didn't say anything. 

"I'm not sending you back, Ellie. You have my word." Joel promised, hoping with everything in him that the girl in front of him believed him. "But can I ask you something?" 

Ellie glanced up, her eyes hesitant. "Okay." 

"Is that why you haven't unpacked your clothes yet? You think...you think I'm gonna ship you back off?" 

Ellie tensed slightly, her lips pursed as her fingers continued to fidget with one another until she finally offered a small shrug. "I knew coming in here it was temporary. If the houses that weren't supposed to be temporary gave up on me, what was stopping you?"

Joel sighed softly, running a hand down his face. "Well, that's not happening." 

"Okay." Ellie nodded.

This next part was going to be hard. Joel knew that, and a part of him wanted to pretend he hadn't even seen the food in her dresser. But he had. And he couldn't ignore it. Couldn't let this kid who was already so untrusting and scared continue on thinking she had to hide her damn food. But he doesn't know where to begin. "Are you eating enough?" Well. I guess that'll work.

Ellie blinked. "What?" She asked, her voice flat and confused. 

"Am I feeding you enough? Or are- do you leave the table still hungry?" 

"You're feeding me enough." Ellie said, her voice hesitant as she ended the sentence as if it were a question. 

Joel nodded. "Good. That's good." He said softly, his hand rubbing his chin for a moment. "I just- when I didn't know where you were I uh, I was lookin' in your room..." Joel trailed off, trying to collect his thoughts. Just ask. "Is there a reason you're keeping food in your dresser?" 

Ellie's eyes widened like saucers, and if it weren't for the severity of the conversation he would've found it comical and laughed. For a second Joel thought maybe she was going to cry, but then fear turned into anger and her hackles went up. "Why the fuck were you going through my shit, man?" 

Joel made a mental note to look into a child counselor. There was no way it was normal for a kid to go from fear to sadness to anger as quickly as Ellie seemed to. Then again, he knew there was also nothing normal about her situation in general. But damn it'd be nice if he didn't have to wonder which response he was about to get out of her. 

Joel held up a hand. "I wasn't going through your stuff, I was checking to see if ya packed it up and left." 

Ellie scoffed. "So you did think I ran off." 

Joel shook his head. "I didn't know what to think, kid. Don't go puttin' words in my mouth. Ya weren't here and I was just trying to figure out where ya were." 

He could tell Ellie still wanted to argue, but she didn't know what to say. So, she settled for a glare and scowl. "I ain't mad, Ellie. You gotta know that. I just- if I'm doing something to make you worry or I ain't takin' care of ya right, I need to know." 

Ellie's eyes softened a fraction, her hackles lowering slowly. "It's not- it's not you. I just," Ellie huffed, clearly frustrated as tears filled her eyes again. "Fuck. This isn't easy for me, man. I don't- food was the first thing they'd take at some of my last homes. Half the homes didn't have enough for all the kids and the other half would send you off without a meal if you fucking looked at them wrong. If you wanted a guarantee to eat you had to fucking take some and hide it. But I am getting enough here and I haven't- I haven't had to eat any of it or anything. It's just, it makes me feel safe, I guess. Like I know it's there, so even if I piss you off I'll have something to eat. And don't give me that fucking look, god it's like I killed your puppy." Ellie ranted. Joel hadn't noticed he gave her a look, but he wasn't surprised. This fucking kid was breaking his goddamn heart. "I'll put the food back or throw it out, it's not- it’s fucking fine." 

Joel was quiet, processing her words carefully and calculating what his next ones would be. He was doing his best no to let the anger he felt show on his face. Withholding food from a kid just because they pissed you off? It was right, frankly it was fucking cruel. Kids were supposed to piss adult off, that’s what they do. Ya don’t starve them for it. “It makes you feel better? More safe? Secure?" Joel finally asked, when the urge to hunt down her former placements and beat them to a pulp subsided (only slightly, though). 

Ellie narrowed her eyes, clearly not expecting that to be his answer. "Y-yeah. Yeah, I guess." She said with a shrug. 

Joel nodded. "Then keep it." 

"What?"

"Keep it." Joel repeated. "I want you to feel safe and secure, kiddo. And if that's what'll help I don't want to be the one to stand in the way of that. But I also want you to know that I'm never going to withhold food from you. If you're hungry, you eat. Got it? You want seconds or thirds or fourths, take 'em. Okay?" Joel's eyes were begging, pleading with Ellie to just fucking trust him. 

The corner of Ellie's mouth lifted up. "Okay. Thanks, Joel." 

"No problem, kiddo." Joel smiled, finally lifting the slice of pizza to his mouth and taking his first bite.

"Well? What'd ya think?"

Ellie's eyes were wide, her back straight, as she sat on the floor in front of the TV. It'd never crossed Joel's mind that she'd probably never seen any of the Star Wars films, and truthfully he wished he could say he couldn't care less. But that'd be an awful big lie, and after the emotional turmoil the girl had gone through he just wanted her to have a win tonight. 

"Joel." Ellie breathed out, a huge smile forming on her face as she slowly turned to face him. "That. Was. Awesome! Holy fucking shit!" Ellie exclaimed, a giddy laugh bursting from her as she threw her head back. "You're such a dick for not showing me that sooner."

Joel snorted. "Well excuse me, you're welcome for showing you at all." 

"New favorite movie, hands down. Oh my god." Ellie grinned. 

"Just wait until you see the rest of them."

Ellie's jaw dropped "There's more?" 

Joel nodded, an amused smirk on his face. "Five more. Two trilogies."

"Can we watch them now? Please, Joel, please!" Ellie begged, hands clasped in front of her and all.

"I'll tell ya what; we'll watch one each night until we finish them if you promise that from now on you'll tell me where you're going and who you're with before you leave the house." 

Guilt filled Ellie's eyes for a moment, the smile dropping from herself before a forced sad grin took its place. "Deal." She nodded. "I'm uh, sorry, by the way. Should've told you I was leaving." 

"I appreciate that." Joel said. "You mind telling me where you were?"

"Just went to the park down the street." Ellie shrugged. "There's a boy who plays there, his name is Sam. Him and his brother Henry just moved here. He likes Savage Starlight, we hang out and read them together. Sometimes play soccer." Ellie explained with a shy smile. It was clear the topic of this Sam kid excited her, but she was trying desperately to hide that, as if her excitement was something to be ashamed of.

Joel's eyebrow quirked. "You uh, you go to the park a lot?" 

"I guess." 

"I ain't gonna be mad, kid. Just want to know how often you're going." 

Ellie was quiet, her head down before she finally uttered "Every day." 

Jesus Christ. 

The next day, after Joel spent a few hours in his work shed and Ellie finally unpacked her clothes into her dresser and closet, the two got ready before piling into Joel’s truck and making their way to the store to get Ellie a cellphone. If this kid was going to be wandering off, Joel needed to know she'd have a way to reach him. 

"This is too much." Ellie's face was scrunched up as she stared down at the smartphone box in her hands. After the employee had got it all set up for it she carefully placed the phone back in the box; holding it gently like it was the most precious, fragile item she's ever held. 

"What do you mean?" Joel asked confused as he pulled out of the parking lot. 

"I mean it's too much. This was so expensive, Joel. You didn't need to spend that much on me." 

"Ellie." Joel sighed. "Kid, it's really okay. I’m an adult, I make my own damn money, I can choose how to spend it.” 

Ellie was hesitant, staring down the phone in her hand, before slowly nodding. “Okay. Thank you.” 

Joel offered a small smile, “You’re welcome, kiddo.”

“Woah!” Ellie suddenly exclaimed, her arm shooting out in front of Joel to point out his window. 

“Jesus, Ellie!” 

“Is that a fucking zoo?!” She practically yelled, her eyes wide with unfiltered excitement. 

Joel snickered. “Sure is. And in the future maybe don’t reach across me while I’m driving.” 

“Sorry.” She wasn’t sorry. “I’ve just always wanted to go to the zoo. I didn’t even know we had one so close.” Ellie mused, twisting her body in her seat to stare back at it as they passed. 

“You’ve never been to a zoo before?” 

Ellie shook her head. “Nope, never. God I’d do anything to see an actual giraffe in real life.” 

“Daddy, hurry up!” An eight year old Sarah exclaimed as she skipped ahead of him towards the panda exhibit. 

Joel laughed. “No need to run, they ain’t going anywhere, baby girl.” 

“Yeah, but we still have to see the penguins, and the zebras too! We don’t have time to dilly-dally!” She exclaimed, quoting her 60-something year old teacher. 

“Dilly-dally?” Tommy snickered. 

Joel shrugged. “Something her teacher, Miss Horton says.” 

“Christ, that woman’s still teaching? Pretty sure she was my second grade teacher.” Tommy laughed, his eyes sparkling mischievously when they passed the giraffe exhibit. “Hey, Sarah!” Tommy called up to the girl. 

Her wild, curly hair flew around her as she skidded to a stop and turned to face the two men. “What?”

Tommy pointed towards the giraffe exhibit. “What do you doing out of your enclosure?” The poor girl had hit her growth spurt far sooner than anyone else, making her the tallest kid in her class (even towering over the boys) and still one of the skinniest. Tommy and Joel always joked that she was like a baby giraffe, tall and lanky and awkward as hell. 

Sarah huffed and stomped back to the two men before shoving her Uncle Tommy, who quickly wrapped her in his arms and threw her over his shoulder. “Careful everyone! Animal out of containment! We’ve got a baby giraffe on the loose!” Tommy yelled over the sounds of Sarah’s giggles; Joel laughing along with them. 

“Joel? Joel!” Ellie exclaimed, her voice stressed as her hand pressed against Joel’s shoulder. 

Joel shook his head, clearing away the memories of that life as he looked over Ellie. “Huh? What?”

Ellie’s inquisitive eyes studied him, her brows slightly furrowed as she took in the expression on his face and the emotions in his eyes. “The lights green.” She said quietly.

Joel’s head snapped back to the road, suddenly aware of the cars honking behind him as he let off the break and switched to the gas a little harsher than necessary, shooting them forward with a small jolt. “Are you okay?” Ellie asked, her voice still quiet and timid. 

“Yeah.” Joel cleared his throat. “Yeah, sorry kid. Was just- don’t worry about it.”

Ellie nodded, but didn’t say anything. 

Joel was quiet the rest of the drive home. Ellie offered a few puns and Joel made an effort to lift the corner of his mouth up for her sake. But the image of Sarah at that damn zoo laughing and running around with her Uncle Tommy was now seared into his brain; playing over and over again on a constant loop that made him want to smile and laugh and cry and scream all at once.

Once they made it home he barely muttered two words to the girl before going off to his room. Eventually he heard the back door open then close, figuring Ellie had gone outside to sketch or read. 

He sat on the edge of the bed, head down as he held the photo a stranger took of him, Tommy, and Sarah at the zoo that day. Sarah was perched on Joel’s back, showing off a toothy grin at the camera while Tommy stood next to them, a giant stuffed giraffe held in his hands…along with a stuffed panda, zebra, snake, and penguin (Sarah hated having to choose, and Joel hated having to say no). 

Before he realized what he was doing Joel was pressing his phone to his ear as the other line started to ring. Only a ring and a half went by before his baby brothers voice was breaking through the speaker. “Joel?” 

Joel was quiet. “Joel? You there?” 

“You remember that time we took Sarah to the zoo?” His voice was rough, throat tight and filled with unshed tears. 

Now it was Tommy who was quiet, but Joel waited. “Yeah.” He finally breathed out. 

“You kept calling her a baby giraffe, teasing that she was out of her containment.” Joel let out a small wet laugh. 

“I remember.” Tommy’s voice held a sad smile and unshed tears. “She couldn’t pick between the stuffed panda and zebra, so you bought every damn stuffed animal in the gift shop.” 

Joel laughed, before he went quiet. “I’m fostering that kid, the one Marlene called about.”  

“What?”

“Her name’s Ellie.” Joel continued. “And she’s never been to the zoo.” 

Both Miller brothers were quiet, sitting in their respective homes thousands of miles apart with the ghost of a little girl on their shoulders and a million things they wish they could say. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Tommy.” Joel finally admitted. 

“Yes you do.” Tommy said softly. “Joel, when you became a dad, it was just about the most natural thing I’d ever seen you do. You practically raised me, and did a mighty fine job of it if I do say so myself. And with Sarah-“ Tommy paused. “You’re a dad, Joel. Through and through, it’s who you are. And you didn’t stop being a dad when Sarah died. So you do know what to do, you’ve been doing it my whole life.” 

Joel’s body shook with silent cries, his phone still clasped tightly in his hand as he took a shuttering breath and ran his hand down his face. “Thank you, Tommy.” I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything.

“Anytime. I love you, brother.” It’s okay. We’re okay.

“I love you too, kid.” We’ll be okay.

Ellie was sitting up against the tree, sketch book in hand, when Joel came outside a couple of hours later. “Hey, kiddo.” Joel greeted. Ellie’s eyes were hesitant as she scanned over Joel. She clearly knew something had happened, she just didn’t know what. And if she noticed that his eyes were puffy and blood shot, she didn’t comment on it. “It’s a nice night, what do you say we do some grillin’?”

Ellie was quiet, eyes still searching before a smirk finally broke out on her face. “What? You the grill master now, too?” She snickered.

“Little shit.” Joel teased, ruffling her hair halfheartedly. “I’ll let you pick, hamburgers or chicken skewers?” 

Ellie’s nose crinkled. “The fuck are chicken skewers?”

“Marinated chicken on a skewer.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Wow, that’s so helpful. What the fuck is a skewer?”

Joel chose to ignore the sarcasm. “A thin piece of wood that ya put your chicken on.” 

Ellie’s face scrunched again. “Wood? We’re going to eat wood?”

This time Joel rolled his eyes. “Ya don’t eat the skewer, you just use it to cook the chicken.”

“Why wouldn’t you just cook the chicken on the grill?” 

“Because you put other shit on it together, like vegetables and shit.”

“Well why can’t you just put them all on the grill? What does the wood do?” 

“Because you’re supposed to eat it all together, that’s what the skewer does; it holds it all together.” 

“So you do eat the wood?”

“Jesus Christ.” Joel muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Sounds pretty fucking stupid to me.” 

“Alrighty.” Joel sighed. “Hamburgers it is.”

There wasn’t much to teach when it came to grilling, but Joel still walked Ellie through the steps and let her shape the hamburger patties. “You want cheese on yours?” He asked, slapping a slice on his own. 

“Duh.” 

“I’m wrapping up a project Tuesday and don’t have anything scheduled to start until Friday.” Joel said.

“Oh, uh cool.” Ellie nodded, not quite sure why he was telling her this. “So you’re getting a couple extra days off then?” 

“Uh huh. Thought maybe Wednesday I could take ya to the zoo.” Joel offered, not looking over at the girl as he said it. He was scared if he looked at her he’d start to see Sarah and he wouldn’t be able to get the words out. 

Even without looking at her, though, Joel heard the tongs she was holding fall to the ground and just knew she was staring at him with a dropped jaw and wide eyes. “Are you serious?” 

Joel nodded. “I am.” 

“Holy shit.” Ellie giggled. “Holy shit! Dude, this is going to be fucking sick!”

Ellie continued on, talking about various animals she wanted to see and asking him what his favorite animal was. Joel only grinned, finally looking at her and watching as she practically jumped up and down, her body vibrating with excitement.

Joel felt the unfamiliar feeling of peace fill him, knowing he made the right choice as he watched the smile never leave Ellie’s face- even as they settled into the living room with their burgers and turned on Star Wars. 

A smile matching Ellie’s stretched across Joel’s face, Tommy’s words echoing in his mind. You didn’t stop being a dad.

You’d think my childhood trauma and daddy issues would make it easier to write for Ellie and harder to write for Joel, but for whatever reason I fucking love writing for Joel 🤍 

Chapter Text

Joel didn't want to do this. 

Joel really didn't want to do this. 

He hardly slept a wink last night, and when he did dreams of a little girl with curly hair skipping ahead of him while he ran as fast as he could to catch up, but never quite making it to her, filled his mind and jolted him awake. 

A part of him regretted offering to take Ellie to the damn zoo, and an even bigger part of him felt guilty for regretting it. It felt like a betrayal in a way. Like he was taking this sacred, perfect memory and replacing it with another little girl. And no matter how many times he told himself he wasn't replacing it, he was just making another memory, it still hurt him. Sent waves of pain through his body and straight to his fucking core. 

Ellie deserves this. He reminded himself. Ellie is a little girl who fucking deserves to go to a goddamn zoo.

He wouldn't back out, he knew that. Not when it was all the kid could talk about ever since he mentioned it. Plus, she invited Sam and Henry along. Joel's phone call with the older one, Henry, went about as good as he expected to. It was awkward, for sure, and he wasn't necessarily looking forward to having to play nice with two strangers. But, he would do it. Because Ellie fucking deserves it. 

"Let's go, old man!" Ellie's voice exclaimed from the living room. "Dinosaurs move faster than you!" Brat. 

Joel sighed, bracing his hands on his knees as he pulled himself to his feet. He moved across his dark room, having never bothered to turn the light on, before pulling his door open, finding Ellie waiting on the other side. 

"Jesus." Joel jumped, hand over his heart as he sent a glare down to Ellie. "Scared me, you little menace." He ran a hand across Ellie's head, messing up her hair as she flailed her arms at him in a no-good effort to stop him.

"Not my fault you’re deaf and didn't hear me coming." She remarked, her hands already moving to fix her ponytail and runaway hairs. Well, you're half right. Joel thought, watching as Ellie hiked her bookbag higher onto her back and grabbed his keys before skipping to the door. "We're already late, let's go!"

Joel rolled his eyes. "We're not late." 

"How would you even know? Your stupid watch is broken." And just like that the air got sucked out of the room and Joel's heart sank in his chest. 

"Here. You kept complaining about your watch, so I figured, ya know. Do you like it?" Sarah asked, trying to play it off like it was no big deal when in reality she was holding her breath hoping that her dad loved it. 

He lifted the watch to his ear, a confused look on his face. "Shouldn't it be ticking?" 

Sarah's eyes widened in panic as she reached out and grabbed his wrist so she could see the watch herself. 

Before she could Joel was laughing, a teasing smile on his face as Sarah shot him a dirty look. "Not funny."

"It was kinda funny." 

"Lame." 

Joel slid the watch onto his wrist and smiled down at it. When he looked back up Sarah was staring at him with that same hopeful gaze from before. Instantly his arm went around her thin shoulders, pulling her into his side and pressing a kiss to the side of her head. "I love it. Thank you, baby." 

"Joel!" Ellie exclaimed, breaking him out of his thoughts as he sucked in a mouth full of air. Based on her tone, Joel figured it was safe to assume this wasn't her first attempt at getting his attention. "Dude, what the hell? Are you dying? You seriously can't die before taking me to the zoo, that's so not cool." 

"I'm fine. Let's go." Joel could've cringed at his harsh tone, but right now he was just focused on getting through this damn day. 

"Don't look fine." Ellie mumbled. 

"Do you want to go to the damn zoo or not?" Joel snapped, watching as Ellie's face fell. 

"Whatever. Asshole." Ellie stomped past Joel, making a point to hit her shoulder against his on her way out. 

Joel closed his eyes, leaning his head against the doorframe as he took a deep breath. They hadn't even left the house and already he was ruining the day for this kid. Failure.

The drive to the zoo was tense and quiet, but the second they arrived and Ellie caught site of Sam and Henry waiting by the entrance she started smiling and bouncing in her seat. Joel parked in the first spot he saw, yelling out a warning to Ellie as she threw open her door before he even had the truck in park. 

"Sorry." She said, looking down as the two walked towards the entrance. 

"S'okay, kiddo. Just scared me is all. You don't need to apologize, okay?" Joel crossed his fingers and hoped that she knew he was also apologizing for this morning. Based on the way her eyes bore into his with that damn inquisitive look that someone her age shouldn't be capable of before offering a tiny grin and nod, he figured she did. 

"Sam! Henry!" Ellie exclaimed, racing ahead of Joel to meet the two. 

"Hey, Ellie!" Henry greeted, smiling at the girl who immediately pulled Sam into their not-so-secret handshake they made. "You must be Joel." 

"Must be." Joel met Henry's waiting hand with his own. "Henry, I presume?" 

"Yes, sir. This is my little brother, Sam." Henry introduced. Sam smiled shyly up to Joel before offering a small wave. 

"Nice to meet ya both."

The four stood in awkward silence for a few moments. "So," Ellie said, drawing out the 'o'. "can we go see some fuckin' giraffes?"

"Ellie." 

For the most part, Joel was able to swallow down the pain that came with the day. It was a different zoo, so that helped. He didn't look around at any other kids, too afraid he'd see a single dad with his young daughter and would end up leaving before Ellie could ask him what was wrong. Instead, he kept his eyes focused solely on Ellie as they made their way from exhibit to exhibit. At one point they stopped for face paintings, Ellie refused to let the stranger anywhere near her face, but Sam got two red stripes on his cheeks to match the red cape he'd begged Henry to get him. 

It was easier to keep track of the two when Henry and Joel would fall behind; they'd just look for the bright red cape. And for Joel he'd listen for the words holy fucking shit and know that Ellie was nearby. 

"How long has Ellie been staying with you?" Henry asked, taking Joel off guard. Joel's eyes tore away from the back of Ellie's head and met Henry's. "She told me this was a foster placement. I was just curious."

Joel nodded. "About a month or so now."

"And is this- is this a permanent placement?" Henry questioned, his eyes also now on the kids in front of them.

"No." It was gruff, maybe a little harsh, and unfortunately true. This wasn't permanent, and Joel knew that. Hell, Joel had wanted that. So why does he feel like he’s changing his mind? 

"That's too bad; Henry really likes having her around." 

Joel didn't know what to say to that, so he opted to say nothing and just watched Ellie, watched the look on her face as she took in all the animals, how she'd clumsily sign something to Sam, and how that big, infectious smile never left her face. Anytime she’d wander further ahead than he liked, his eyes scanned her surroundings; not quite seeing faces, just scanning for potential threats. He wanted this carefree kid to remain that way for as long as possible. 

“I recognize that look, you know.” Joel’s head snapped to face Henry’s. “You care about her. You know; you may not be her father, but you were someone’s.” Joel swallowed thickly. Images of Sarah flashed through his brain, mixing with images of Ellie. Two girls who couldn’t be more different. One, a spot seared into his heart forever. The other, slowly making her own spot right next to it. 

“Sam? Sam! Joel! Henry! Joel!” And just like that, Joel’s sole focus was on Ellie, as panicked cries left her lips. He moved on autopilot, his feet carrying him over to where she was kneeled on the ground with a wheezing Sam in her lap. A small crowd had started to form as Henry shouted his brothers name and the two men ran like hell towards their kids. 

Joel could see the panic clear as day on Ellie’s face, not just for Sam but for the amount of strangers suddenly in her space. “Move, move. Back up.” Joel demanded once he caught up to them. Henry was in the middle of gathering Sam into his arms while Joel instinctively moved behind Ellie, helping her to her feet and using himself as a barrier between her and everyone else. 

The rest was a blur, as Joel watched Henry and Sam in the same way bystanders watched him and Sarah those 20 years ago. Someone had called an ambulance (not Joel because he was too busy picturing his dead daughter in place of Sam- failure), and he watched as they loaded Sam’s too-small body onto the stretcher while regulating his breathing. Henry rushed off along side them, while Joel and Ellie stayed behind. 

Distantly, Joel became aware of a slight pressure in his hand. Looking down, he realized it was just from Ellie’s smaller hand, gripping his like a lifeline that kept her tethered to Earth. Or maybe it was him gripping hers like a lifeline. He truly couldn’t tell, and he supposed it didn’t really matter. They both needed that comfort, for their own reasons.

And as the stretcher disappeared from sight and the crowd dispersed and the events of what just happened really settled in for Joel, he realized with a sudden wave of sadness that they didn’t even get to see the fucking giraffes. 

His grip on Ellie’s hand tightened. 

Joel paced in front of Ellie’s bedroom for what felt like the hundredth time in the past three hours since they’d been home. Once Joel coaxed Ellie home with the not-promise that Sam would be just fine and they’d call Henry in the morning, she immediately retreated to her room. He tried getting her out with bribes of Star Wars and learning to cook a new Tex-Mex dish, but she didn’t budge. If it wasn’t for the fact that he could see her sitting in her bay window when he went out to the shed, he honestly wouldn’t even know she was inside, she was so quiet. 

So, for the second time that week, Joel picked up his phone and dialed that same number. 

A frustrated sigh left Ellie’s lip as she threw yet another piece of crumbled up paper onto the ground. She was trying to draw a picture of Sam but just couldn’t seem to get it right. She wanted him to look like a superhero; red cape, face paint, and all. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get it perfect. And Sam deserved perfect.

The sound of Joel pacing outside her bedroom door, again, broke her concentration as she looked away from the mess of papers around her. He’d stopped trying to get her to come out over an hour ago, and part of her felt guilty for ignoring him. It’s not like it’s his fault Sam got sick like that. It was hers. It had to be hers. Ellie was the one who asked him to come. She knew how sick he was, Henry had told her himself. And she still asked him to come to the zoo with her. It was too much for him, she should’ve known it would be. Henry told her she was Sam’s only friend here, but if she were truly a good friend she wouldn’t have let that happen. Wouldn’t have almost got him killed.

“Hey, Ellie?” Joel called, his fist knocking against her door softly. “Can I come in, kiddo?” 

Ellie sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth, gnawing nervously as she looked around again at the mess around her. Well, too late to clean it or finish now. Joel got pissed at her this morning, was probably pissed that she ruined their zoo day, and was just going to be even more pissed when he saw the mess on her floor. Oh, well. She thought dejectedly, accepting the fate she’d assigned for herself. Might as well get it over with.

“Yeah.” Ellie’s voice was pathetic and small, but Joel heard her and wasted only a moment before pushing her bedroom door open. 

Ellie tried to decipher the emotions that ran across Joel’s face as he took in the image of Ellie sitting on the floor surrounded by crumbled pieces of failed drawings. He looked sad, mostly. Maybe even a little worried, which confused Ellie. But to her great surprise he didn’t seem to be angry. “Hey, kiddo.” Joel said quietly, his voice soft and gentle in a way you’d talk to a toddler who couldn’t find their parents. 

“Hi.” 

“Do uh, do you wanna talk about what happened today?” Joel looked so uncomfortable and out of his element Ellie wanted to laugh. 

“Not really.” Ellie said, and she wasn’t lying. Well, maybe she was. Part of her did want to talk about it. Fuck, she wanted to scream about it. Wanted to scream about how fucking unfair it was that Sam is just a little kid who can’t even go to the zoo without getting sicker. Wanted to scream about how no matter how hard she tried to be good, she always ended up hurting the people around her. Scream about how horrible she is because there was one moment after the ambulance had taken Sam away when she felt disappointment because she didn’t get to see the fucking giraffes. 

But she didn’t want to scream those things, she didn’t want to talk about them or even fucking whisper them. Because then everyone else would know what a rotten, terrible person she was. She hadn’t been able to shake off the feeling of guilt that burrowed deep in her gut the second the thought of the giraffes entered her mind, but she deserved that. Sam was stuck in a hospital room because of her, she deserved way worse than her stupid feelings of guilt. 

Joel nodded, his eyes focusing back on the mess surrounding Ellie. “Whatcha been up to in here?” 

Ellie shrugged. “Nothing.” 

“Doesn’t look like nothin’ to me.” 

“Well, you’re old and senile. Can’t exactly be trusted with what you think you see.” 

Joel rolled his eyes, but even Ellie could tell he was trying not to grin. “Whatever. Get up, brat. It’s been a week since we’ve cooked, we’re makin’ Tex-Mex tonight.” 

Ellie knew she was probably frustrating Joel, but she couldn’t help it. She was so angry at herself, and she was starting to get angry with Joel, too. She wished he’d just punish her like everyone else would have. Leave her alone in her room all night without dinner, or hell maybe even hit her. She knows Joel wouldn’t do that, but it was what she deserved; and frankly it was what she was used to. She was almost more comfortable with that than this. Making fucking Tex-Mex like it was an average Wednesday and Ellie hadn’t just nearly killed her only friend. 

“You wanna chop the onions?” Joel asked, breaking the awkward silence that settled over the two as he held out a knife to Ellie. 

Ellie didn’t respond, only grabbed the knife and began chopping the onions. She fucking hated chopping onions and Joel knew it. Was this him punishing her? It must be. She always fought him over chopping onions, it’d make him chuckle as her eyes teared up until eventually he’d take her place and chop them himself. So this was definitely him punishing her. As far as punishments went it was pretty fucking weak, but at least it was something. 

“Ellie, can you stop for a minute, kiddo?” Joel asked. 

Ellie sighed, slamming her knife down onto the cutting board with more force than was necessary before biting out a harsh “What?”

“I know you ain’t alright, kid. And it’s okay not to be, but you gotta help me out here. Ya gotta talk to me, kiddo.” 

“I’m fine.” 

Joel scoffed. “Well that’s a lie if I ever did hear one. I didn’t think you were fine before, and then ya don’t even fight me on choppin’ onions? Ya ain’t fine, kid.” 

Ellie felt like a microwave, she was heating up from the inside out as the anger grew bigger and bigger inside of her until it was bigger than she was. “What do you want me to say? Huh? I know it’s my fault Sam got sick. I fucking know. I’m supposed to be his friend, but I took him to the zoo and got him sick. And now he’s probably going to die and all I was worried about was seeing the stupid fucking giraffes. Sam’s going to die and it’s my fault, he’s going to leave me just like everyone else and it’s so fucking unfair. And all I want is for you to just fucking punish me like I deserve and instead you want to make stupid fucking Tex-Mex!” Tears burned in Ellie’s eyes as the words came out like vomit. Joel had that stupid worried look in his eyes that Ellie loved, but also couldn’t stand, and the hand squeezing inside her chest was squeezing so tight it was getting harder and harder to breath. 

“Ellie.” Joel said her name like a goddamn apology. It made Ellie take a step back, her face scrunching up as a sob crawled up her throat. “Ellie, what happened today is not your fault, you hear me?” 

Ellie shook her head. Yes it was, it had to be. “But I-“ 

“No. But nothing, you’re a kid. It ain’t your job to worry about other kids and things like that. I gave you permission to bring Sam, and Henry agreed too. It’s no one’s fault, Ellie. But it especially ain’t yours.” 

Ellie looked down as she swallowed against the god awful lump that had formed in her throat. “It’s not fair.” She whispered, her voice small and sad and young. 

“I know, kiddo.” Joel soothed.

Ellie didn’t say anything else, instead just brought her hands up and rubbed her face before grabbing the knife and holding it out for Joel. “I don’t want to talk anymore. Just cut the stupid fucking onions.” 

She could feel Joel staring at her as she stared a hole into the floor, before he finally grabbed the knife from her. “Okay, kiddo.” 

Later, as Ellie sat slumped on the couch with a belly full of tacos and the end credits of Star Wars playing on the TV, Joel finally spoke up again. “Meant to tell ya earlier, but it looks like my next project got pushed back a bit further.” 

Ellie hummed, looking over at Joel. 

Joel nodded. “I was thinking we could maybe go visit my brother, Tommy, in Wyoming. Make a little road trip out of it.” Joel suggested.

“Roadtrip, huh?” Ellie asked, pursing her lips. Well, that’s not what she was expecting. “I’ve never been on a road trip before.” Never been with anyone who cared to take me. 

“Well.” Joel sighed, “Guess we better change that.”

*insert evil cackling here*

the way i’m so torn between where to take henry and sam’s story line

BUT NEXT CHAPTER WE GET TO MEET COOL UNCLE TOMMY !!!

thanks for your patience and reading y’all :)