Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sweet was the air, with a salty kiss like cinnamon. The ocean frothed like foaming sugar, and the sand was as fine as gold silk between his toes. He sat in the moon shade of a swaying palm, gaze far off to the moon that hung in the sky as wide as an open eye. Stars were scattered across the sky, reminiscent of fairy lights. They danced and twinkled between fluffy clouds that marched across the sky slowly. 

It was young enough in the night that no one had gone to sleep just yet. A campfire had been set up just on the edge of the shoreline. Warm orange light from the dancing flames reflected in splotches across the calm waters and frothing waves. 

Hyrule sat by the fire, prodding at a pot suspended above the flames idly. Sky was by his side with his head in his hands. Twilight had collapsed in a ball somewhere by the palm trees, with Time default standing by his side. He kept sobbing something along the lines of “cub gone cub gone cub gone cub gone!” even though Wild was only ten feet away. 

Speaking of Wild, he was at the surf with Four ten feet away. The smithy had a tragically short stature, so he was up to his waist in the waves. Wild, being uncharacteristically tall, was only up to his ankles. Wow! Four was so pocket sized!

Warriors and Legend were arguing like they always did. It was their only character dynamic, after all. They stopped arguing when seagulls attacked Warriors—he made the mistake of existing, and the seagulls didn’t like that very much. Legend practically shrieked with laughter. That was, until the seagulls recognised weakness and attacked him, too. 

All and all, a typical night for them. Not the seagull attack—unless these seagulls had the inexplicable urge to transcend time and space to attack people with no bitches, of course. It’s okay, Wind had that ability, too. 

Anyway, Wind was reading. It was his favourite book, called “My Immortal” (Unlike Hyrule, he can read!!) 

Overall, it was a very stereotypically beautiful day (did he mention that?) Surely, on such a wonderful day, nothing could go wrong, right?

WRONG.

All of a suddenly, a horrible man with red eyes and a big nose appeared at the surf!! He had a big nose (basically like Shadow Link in the mangas) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was….

Shadow Link! 

Time gasped. “Shadow Lenk!”

Shadow Link laughed evilly, because he was evil. “It is I! Shadow Link!”

Twilight couldn’t see thropour all his tears! He cronged with desperate passion, whispering desperate “cub gone,,,,,,,,,,,,,cub gone,,,,,,,,,,,cub gone,,,,” He had a desperate need to yetar! 

But enough about Twilight! He just saw his shadow again! He deos this every week, so it fine!

Shadow Link dusted off his tunic. His smile was sister, eyes bloody crimson and full of blood. His teeth were white—wow! He was good at brushing his teeth! And his silver hair fell over just one eye. Was that black eyeliner???

Four, who was still up to his neck in the surf, pointed at him. He looked like that short guy from the ogre thing. “Aren’t you supposed to be a lizard?”

“Silence! You’re four inches tell!” He retorted. (AN;; i wan aid that shade ow lenk can no cuont!)

He brushed his hair and flipped off Warriors, who hadn’t moved at all. Then, he snapped his fingers. Seagulls all fluttered around him, screaming and cawing. 

“Tremble, heroes, for my army of sea birds shall sea to your demise!” Shadow Link cackled loudly, like a sunday cartoon villain. “Now writhe!” 

The birds carried all kinds of trinkets. Coconuts, palm leaves and—is that a brick??

Sky pointed. He looked anger. His face was twisted in a deep snarl, and when he spoke his voice was a deep growl. “Hey! That joke was unfunny!”

Shadow Link gronned. His grin was grinch like! /iykyk. “No u! Get fucked oeld man!”

Sky whited. “AM SVEEN?????????????? “

Wind spongebob’d. His eyes were hug-ed! How could Shadow Link ratio the sleepy bird scrumbly booboo like that!! Oh no! 

Time squared his shoulders. He side-eyed the shade, expression stoney, cold and unfun. “Shadow Link, why do you hesitate—”

“IT’S CALLED LIKEABILITY, YOU SENILE FUCK!!!!!!” Shadow Link screamed, like an uncooperative child. Time blonchached. No 1 had eva sayd that to him b4!!!!!!! (AN; Tim is 2 sereus 4 this fic!!!!!!!!! So he is no fune! 

Shadow Link seemed to remember he was a villain, unfortunately. He looked towards his evil seagull minions and laffed. “Go attack my preddis!”

All at once, the beach was alight with birds. It was a birdemic! 

The Seagulls screamed and cawed. At some point, Legend had collapsed in the sand, cronging, while he screamed “helpo!!!!! Marin!! Why could you!!!!’

“Get uppe you ridiculous dimwit!” Warriors demeaned angrily in his fanon-earned fuckboy voice. But Legend ignroed him. (AN; Warz iz best link. Only link. He iz link

Wind, meanwhile, was frighting for his life! He didn’t want to hurt any bird, because they’re bird! But they kept throwing coconuts at him! He yelled, “stoppé!!” 

The birds did not understand people language. They attacked with vig, dropping coconuts on the Links without mercy, mercilessly. Shadow Lenk, meanwhile, ran from the scene! He trippéd once, but it oke he just shadow.

In Wind’s distraction (he hed been laffing at shadew link for trippéing) a big Albatross, because albatross are big, dropped a brick on head!!!!

It through the brick at Wind, hitting him direction on his face!!!!11!

The brick hit with a hollow thunk, because Wind had wind for brain, knocking him unconciouso! 

When he awoke, it was to find…..

HARREYS STYE?????????

He stood in the middle of the beach, radiant with radiance. His soft sandy brown hair fluttered in the wind like a flag. Despite the warm weather, he wore a white turt neck sweater and black rip genes with lightning mcqueen crocs. (AN; do nut as me how hurry stylin haz mccrocs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He duz!!!

He sweeped his hair—that covered one side of his face!! What are we??? Animuls???—and scoffed. He blinked gigantic crystal blue eyes and turend to the chaine with gigantic rainbow orbs. 

“You’re,” he swept his hair back once more, “welclome.” 

“Omg!! It’s Hairy Style!!” Legend pointed at harron stocken with gasp in expression. Before harry stylen can confirm his existence, a black protal openeded up!! And—

Ogm!!!!

It was Justin Beaver!! 

Beaver glared at stylin harry with intent and hatred. “I have come to adopted these twink boys! You cannut stop me!”

Harry lauffted. He brushed his hair back and glared. “Oh, but I can. And I will.”

Hurry snickered and pulled the colar of his turtle neck over his cheshire smile. He threw out his hands, (AN; think N’s battel animution!!!!) and lauffted loudly. He snapped this fingers and summoned his Stand—It was one direction!!!!!!

Justin beaver laffted, too. He was clearly outmacheroni’d, why was he laughing?

“Oh you fool, I have harnessed something that became irrelevant within two seasons of the show–Hamon!” ogm!! Justin was walking on water!!! He pointed at hurryruryryry stylingggnng. “Come at me…..bro”

Wind was confused. He thought this was a Linked Universe?? Why are two white boys fighting tot he death in font of he? He gotten hitted by brick!!! He should be gone hospital!!

The author is too lazy to write their fight scene. But it was EPIC there was a kaboom a kachow a lightning bolt and lots of blood!!!!! Justin bible walked on wooder (correct pronouns!) and Hairy still could nut keep up!!

Eventually, however, a new contestant came into the rung.

It moved like snac, but not blue. The author hasn’t gotten less lazy, so imagine BOOM KACHOW BANG BANG. Just bible and hairy raven way styles were eradicated in the after maths.

What stood in their place, was—

IT WAS JASON GRACE!!!

He loomed over Wind and bric, his lightning eyes crying tears of eye and lightning. He crossed his skinny white boy arms and tried his best threatong stare. He was jeal!!!!!!!

“You cheated on me, brick!” He crieded.(AN; i tink my OTP iz jasick! (jason x brick 4life!!!!!!!!!)

Butt the brick did nut reply. It was a brick, and bricks cannut talk. Sparking tears rolled down Jason’s face as he blicked his gigantic orbous eyes.

“Ummm the brick attacked me, acktually,” Winds said matter of factly. Jason grace blachanche’d. 

“Brick??? You do that to 3 yur olds????”

The brick did not respond. It was ignroing him!!!!! Clearly, it had done something wrong. Jason screamed. 

“You committa crim????!?!?!?! You goota jail?!?!?!?!?” Jason yetared. “After all this tim spentz with you and this is the thenks I get??”

Jason was betrayal. He was so devastated right now, he wanted to crong his yetars out! He saw Twilight sobering still, and thot to join him. Then he realised twilot is a poors crumbly crimblino boo boo bear who shouldn’t be disturbance!

“May bee it was deafening you!” Sky, ever the altruest scrunkly, offered. Jaceon’s orbs widened to the size of the bermooda trangle. 

“You!! Genius!!!” he pointed at Skye. his orbs turned green with happee ness! He snached brick from ground and huggeded it (an’ KISSENG IZ GROSS!!!!! NO KUZZ!!!)

He smelled softly. He whipped a tear from his face and held up Brock. “Thank you gayz so much for ur assist.”

“Do you man guys?”

Jason turned into a hyperrealistic horse. “No.”

Then he turned back, to the sunrise. He started walk to the sun majestically.  He turned away, lost moment, and smelled. “I killed john Lenin”

Then, he disrepeared. 

Hyrule cam backs. He wasn’t allowed to exist most of the time, but he was given some time to exist, because the author remembered him. He looked in horror at the beach. It was on fire, Legend was scroming and Warriors was cromfroting Twilight who’d just seen his shadow again! Sky was searching the beach for Frou, who was so tiny he got lost in all the sauce!! 

Wind was confrused. What happened?

FIN

AN; HIS IZ 4 U KOHOOOO BRONKED UNIVERSU