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Joel had a lot of children, everyone knew this. Tiny Tom with Jimmy, the two he had with Oli, and of course Hermes with Sausage. Anywhere Joel went, there was a swarm of toddlers tailing after. Despite how much Joel loved his kids, however, he was a busy man. Being a god and all that.
All of this to say, the god of Stratos would sometimes drop his kids on some of the emperors and tell them to babysit, disappearing before they had a chance to argue. Which is what he just did.
"Do any of you know how to care for children?" Katherine asked hesitantly. Contrary to her words, Katherine was doing quite well keeping Hermes preoccupied.
Jimmy shook his head as he dug through his inventory. Pulling out a bottle of soup, he handed it to Katherine and answered, "Yeah, no. I've never touched a child in my life."
"Isn't Tiny Tom your kid?" Lizzie broke in, dragging Pix after her. "Doesn't that mean you have touched a kid?"
"Look, Lizzie. I threw a railroad track at Joel and then there was suddenly a child. I don't know what's going on anymore."
"That's very reassuring, Jimmy." Pix remarked, walking over to help Katherine coax Hermes into eating the soup. He and Lizzie were probably the last two who should be near a child considering the amount of dirt and cat hair they were covered in, but with them being the only two with any knowledge of childcare in the room, there wasn't much of a choice.
Katherine frowned, "So, what do we do? Just feed him and keep him entertained?"
"Depends on how long Joel is gone. If he left Hermes here for the weekend, we also need to take him for walks!" Lizzie said cheerfully. Jimmy looked to her with furrowed brows.
"Isn't that only for dogs?" He asked. "I thought children were the ones who needed bathed?"
Lizzie shook her head wildly, "No, no, no. Kids are like cats, no water!"
"No! They're like fruit! They need plenty of water and nutrients," shrieked Katherine.
"What do you expect us to do then? Throw dirt at him?"
Pix suddenly stood up with Hermes in his arms and said, "Wow, none of you should be allowed to be near children. I'm kidnapping Hermes."
"Wait, no-"
"Pixl-"
"Hey, Pix? Do you even know what you're doing?"
"Oh, no. Not in the slightest." Pix answered Jimmy, momentarily setting Hermes on a chest. "The only children I have interacted with are Joel's, and my son is a giant, multidimensional redstone system named David, after all."
"Ah, so none of us know how to babysit." Jimmy reiterated.
"Pretty much."
Lizzie bit her lip as she looked through Katherine's kitchen. With a frustrated mewl, she turned to Katherine, "I have no idea what children eat."
"Me neither," Katherine confessed. "Healthy food, probably. Maybe soups. Does Hermes have teeth yet?"
Lizzie froze, her ears pinning down behind her mask, "Why would he not?"
"I don't know! How old is he anyways? I swear, he just showed up half grown with Sausage and Joel one day."
"Yeah, it does seem like that. Hey, humans have allergies, right? Do demigods?"
"You know? I am not sure." Katherine mumbled, pulling out of the barrel she was digging in. Looking over at Lizzie with a raised eyebrow, she added, "Why did you say humans?"
"I- uh- I don't know what you mean!"
"Lizzie-"
"Oh, hey, look! Beetroot!"
Jimmy slowly picked up Hermes, nervousness written clearly across his face. Hermes just grinned at him, the tiny wings on his shoes flapping wildly. Jimmy was pretty sure that's a good sign.
Katherine leaned over his shoulder with a hum. "What do children like to play with?"
"Llamas?" Jimmy suggested. Kids like fluffy things, right? And Scott did keep going on and on about how soft his llamas are with their winter coats. Though, the llamas were kind of jerks. Or at least the bartender was. "Maybe frogs. Frogs are cute and small, right?"
"Yes!" Katherine clapped, lighting up. "Oh, I bet Shelby has the cutest frogs and tadpoles for little Hermes!"
"Great. So you two can have a date with the frogs and Hermes, and I can go back and finish my duties in Tumble Town."
"Okay, well, first off, not a date. Secondly, you are not abandoning us!"
"It was just a suggestion, Katherine!"
"Uh- Lizzie?" Pix mumbled, wings shifting slightly. Lizzie looked up with a curious hum and found the other staring with concern at the items she held in her arms. "What is all that?"
"Food for Hermes!"
Pixl's frown depended, "Right… And, out of pure curiosity, what made you think that Hermes would like whatever this is?"
Lizzie glanced down at the ingredients before her. Pumpkins, beetroot, sugarcane, and wheat. She turned back to Pix and answered brightly, "Kids need healthy things, so we have beetroot and pumpkins! The sugar is so it's sweet and Hermes eats it and the wheat is to thicken it up into a stew."
Nodding slowly, Pix looked directly into her eyes, "You've never cooked once in your life, have you?"
"Nope!"
"Great work everybody!" Lizzie cheered. "We've fed Hermes-"
"Barely," Pix mumbled.
"-we've kept him entertained-"
"Kind of," Katherine cut in, glancing over at where Hermes was tailing after Norman with wide eyes.
"-and we even kept him from dying!"
"Which was somehow the easiest part of this all," Jimmy finished with a glare at the sky. It seemed almost as if he was willing Joel to feel his anger. Katherine gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.
"I'm just proud of the fact that no one was seriously injured or traumatized at any point during this whole fiasco." Pix laughed, picking Hermes up once the kid wandered back over to them.
"We make a good team! We should do this again!"
"No," everyone chorused as they turned on Katherine. Katherine, for her part, easily held up her hands in surrender and laughed. Hermes snickered as well, his wide eyes blinking at Jimmy. He reached out for him.
Jimmy saw this and quickly went pale, taking a step back, "Oh, no. That's not happening, kid. There's no way I'm picking you up."
"Aw, but Jimmy, he wants you." Pix teased, holding out Hermes. Jimmy backpeddled further and shook his head.
"No, no, Pix. Keep that demon child away from me! Don't-"
Lizzie grinned and elbowed Katherine, "Nevermind, I agree. We should absolutely do this again." Katherine bursted into laughing, a sound that almost drowned out Jimmy's screams of terror.