Chapter Text
"Hi."
Meredith smiled as she closed the door and reached for her seatbelt, greeting, "Hey."
"You- uh-" He paused for a second, not quite sure how to say what he wanted to. In group, someone had bought up an idea, and it had reminded her of something that had happened. Being right next to the man, she shared her story next. It wasn't a pleasant one. It contained a 'mistake' and her punishment. Derek had held her hand so, so tight as she told it, tears in her eyes. "You...talked about some stuff in there."
She swallowed. "Yeah...I'm sorry."
"God, Mer-" He breathed, turning a little in the seat to look at her. "Don't be sorry. Why are you sorry?"
"Things...aren't about me right now."
He sighed, grasping her hand tight. "You do not apologise about having feelings, just because I have feelings too right now. You hear me? I know I'm lecturing you but this is important. This is for you."
"I know, I know-" She smiled softly. "You only lecture me in good boyfriend ways."
He smiled back.
"I've learnt about good boyfriends and bad boyfriends now. I'd know if you were the latter."
"That's good to hear. Both-" He snorted. "Good to hear both that you've learnt the difference, but also that you think I am a good boyfriend! Because that would be awkward, me dragging you to all these support groups just for you to decide I'm a bad boyfriend!"
She giggled for a few seconds, heavily agreeing with him, until her laughs turned to soft sobs, tears flooding her eyes. She'd resisted tears in group, but she couldn't hold them in any longer.
"Woah, woah-" He breathed. "Woah, it's okay."
She pressed her sleeve into her eyes before blinking rapidly in an attempt to clear her vision. "Sorry."
"Hey, no apologising." He reminded her softly, voice warm. "It's alright. You can cry."
She gulped, wiping her eyes again. "I hate crying."
"I know, I know." He sighed. "You stop if you want, or you continue if you want, or you can talk about it. Whatever you want to do, I'm just gonna sit here, holding your hand and loving you, for as long as you need. Okay? Can I do anything else?"
"You're so far from a crappy boyfriend, you know. You...and- he..."
His didn't speak, knowing she wasn't finished.
"He didn't have any problems. You know...people who lash out, sometimes it's because they're hurting. But he was genuinely the happiest guy I'd ever met. His parents were together and happy, no one he was close to had ever died, he'd never had to worry about money, he'd never been sick a day in his life or broken a bone, he had so many close friends, he was so good at everything and he just-" She paused for a second. "I know a lot of people look like they have the best life ever but they're suffering inside."
He nodded. Meredith didn't look like she had the best life ever, but it definitely appeared to be more than decent. That was only because she buried her past deep, and didn't show her emotions often.
"But I knew him. I spent all my time with him. And he genuinely was so happy. But he just-" She paused. "I mean...your life like- I know we don't think this, but most people would say it kinda sucks-"
He nodded again. He understood what she meant, even if he was happy like this.
"But you don't go round beating people up. You have had a sucky life. Most people wouldn't survive what you did. The accident mostly, but also like...there's also your dad and stuff. But even you don't do these things. So why did he? He didn't have any problems, and even if he did, people with problems like you don't do anything like that, you don't find it fun to control my life all the time and slander me when I mess that up. So just..." She sighed. She wasn't sure she was making any sense.
'"Why?'. Your question is...'why?'." He stated for her, clearly seeing how frazzled she was by her ramblings.
She swallowed. Right. Of course. She'd definitely lost the message in her snowballing emotions. "Yeah. That...that's what I wanted."
"I wish I could help. I really, really do. But people just...even he probably wouldn't know. He just...the way he worked was that he found it enjoyable...to control you."
"You find it enjoyable to not control me."
He grinned. His favourite moments with her were when she'd hesitate about doing something, and then he'd see this little lightbulb go off in her mind, and she'd hurry off to do what she wanted. Her first, natural thought was to pause, to be scared, to ask permission. Then her conscious mind would remind her that she wasn't where she used to be, and there was absolutely no need to ask to do something. She used to freeze like that, and then only be relieved after he gave permission. Now, she didn't need him to say anything at all, because he'd given her permission often enough for her to understand it would always be a yes. They were still working on her automatic response, but progress was progress, and he was so, so freaking proud all of the time. "Yes, I do."
"I like that."
He smiled. "That's why I do it. Never would I want to control someone but...I like giving you extra choice. It's very clear it makes you happy."
"And that's why you're a good boyfriend. The...best boyfriend. Ever."
"Yeah?"
"Of course."
"So..." He grinned a little cheekily. "Does this mean you're finally going to break up the love triangle with Lucky?"
"I'm in a love triangle with a dog? Seriously?" He asked, mouth agape. No way did Meredith love Lucky more than she loved him.
"You're in one, and you're losing."
She snorted. "Mmm. I'll think about it!"
"I love lasagna." Meredith sighed as she sat next to her boyfriend on the sofa.
"Oh, I know."
"And your garlic bread. And...god, why are you so good at cooking? You know the days I have off without you really suck. I just eat crisps and those ready-made sandwiches with the weird cheese. Your food is actually-" She trailed off. "It's rude how good you are at cooking."
He smiled softly, but didn't laugh as she had expected.
Her brow creased. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah." He nodded slowly.
"You sure?" She pressed. "We're being open, remember?"
"Seriously. Negative emotions are...alright in this moment."
"Something else then?"
"Just...tired." He admitted honestly, letting out a long sigh as he rubbed at his eyes.
"You not been sleeping well?"
He stared at her for a long moment, thinking. Honesty. Right. Of course. "I never sleep well. Between the SCI and the anxiety...it's always been hard. But, yeah, particularly recently. For...obvious reasons."
She nodded before offering, "Can I snuggle you to sleep?"
"That sounds wonderful." He smiled.
"You go get changed while I finish my drink and we'll have an early night. Heck, I'd like an early night too."
"Sounds-" He paused when his phone interrupted him. "Crap-"
"Tacoma?" She guessed.
"Unknown caller. Dunno. Maybe." He answered before answering the call, and putting the phone to his ear. "Hello?"
Meredith grasped his hand, squeezing it, as she attempted to read his expression.
"Oh. I uh...really wasn't planning on heading over today. Sorry."
She swallowed. Tacoma then. Not a scam caller.
"Long day." He said, as if he was repeating something someone had said, affirming them.
He didn't talk for a moment, brow creasing.
"You know it's not going to help. Nothing I do helps. I don't even know why I come. Honestly, you know, I think I should just stop-"
He'd paused very suddenly. As if the person he was talking to had started talking over him.
She couldn't help but be intrguied by what he was actually saying. He was upset because he was feeling powerless, useless. He'd been doing...something, a lot, but getting nothing out of it.
She understood why that would frustrate him; he was the kind of person that liked being productive and doing things that actually made a different in some way. That was part of why his accident was so tough, and why he found chronic pain so frustrating. It stripped him from his ability to be who he wanted to be.
And he also liked control. Not scarily. Not like her ex. His was very clearly an anxiety response, like he needed everything to be planned and sorted as possible in the hope that he could actually allow himself to breathe.
But nothing about his trips sounded productive, controlled, nor planned.
"Look, I really don't-"
She looked up, forgetting that she was even listening in on his conversation.
"It's never a good thing."
Her hand tightened around his.
"Okay-" He released her hand, sitting forward a little. "Fine. Whatever. Give me some time though."
She swallowed as he ended the call, and his phone clattered as it just about landed on the table from his careless throw. "Are you angry?"
"I don't get angry." He returned, voice monotone and plain. Not angry.
She sighed softly.
"Sorry. Again. For going. Again."
"I am worried about how tired you are, but if you're up for it and you want to go, it's okay. Really."
"I can't keep doing this."
"It's hurting you too? More than just the tiredness?"
He didn't want to answer that, busying himself with his chair. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Sorry. Again."
"You be as long as you need. You do what you need to. I promise, it's alright. And I love you."
"I love you too."
"Hug now?"
He chuckled. Her line? His line? He wasn't sure any more. "Always."
She couldn't remember whether she was awake or asleep before that moment.
She supposed she was. Or maybe she was in the strange land between dream world and reality, and was only pulled into consciousness in that second.
Either way, when her phone buzzed on the bedside table, she was awake enough to grab it.
Squinting at the light, she examined the message.
Derek wasn't coming home that night. But not because he was doing something upsetting like every other time he'd left her. But because he was...happy?