Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s cold. I don’t remember the last time I was cold – not during the day anyway. I wonder if the other people on the transport are cold. Most of them don’t have any fur.

Okay, none of them have any fur. I’m the only one.

When the purple lady with wings and fuzzy antenna helped me onto the ship she’d said something about that. She’d rubbed my arm, smiled, and asked me where my family was. When I told her I didn’t know she frowned.

“Where did you last see them, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know. I’m ‘without home.’ A village rat.”

She looked at me funny when I said that. She turned to one of the other women who was helping people on the transport. She asked her a question in a language I didn’t understand. It almost sounded like she was singing.

The other lady, who was tall and magenta with large arms, answered. I didn’t understand a word she said.

Then the first lady, who would tell me later her name was Videa, sighed. She turned back to me and put her hand on my cheek.

“Orphan,” she breathed, probably quiet enough that no one else would’ve heard. Then… something else and… “magicat.”

I blinked at her, and she smiled. “What’s your name little one?”

She didn’t like it much when I said I didn’t have one.

I have a number, 0515. But I didn’t think that would make it any better. And no one called me that anymore. Not since the Home was destroyed in the first invasion.

That was the last time I was this cold, I realize, rubbing my arms. During the hot summer days when the sun beat down heavy on the Crimson Desert and it hadn’t rained in months, the Home would run the cooling unit at max capacity so the Lizardfolk didn’t overheat.

Most of them would go outside for a few hours and then come inside for a while and then go back. But I would stay inside all day, burrowed under my blanket. It was always far too hot outside during the dry months, and my fur would get itchy and sandy in the wind. I preferred to sleep during the day anyway.

But at night, after the sun had gone down and the winds had stopped, I would sneak out one of the high windows above my bunk and stare at the stars.

I told one of the other children in the Home once that the stars call to me. She didn’t know what I meant. I didn’t really either.

But when I stare at the stars I feel… longing.

The Home was destroyed two years ago, and since then I’ve been on the streets. I don’t usually go hungry, the people of my new village are generous, but I sleep under the stars every night now.

Or I did. Until the winged people showed up.

They showed up in a big shiny ship, a lot like the one we’re on now. It was made of dark metal and it was boxy, with sharp edges. Some people thought it was more of the Horde, but Horde ships are white and sleek, so I knew better. And when the winged people got off the ship, they had… stuff.

My new village, Sunchoke, hadn’t really been invaded yet. But that didn’t mean everything was okay. I’d overheard people in the square talking about trade routes being cut off and how no one could even get into the Valley of the Lost anymore. But the winged people had food, and supplies, and seemed to know about the Horde.

They said they’re at war with them, and they were here to help us. And if we wanted, they would take us far away, somewhere safe.

So, now I’m cold, but I’m going somewhere the Horde isn’t.

I look up from the shiny metal floor to see Videa walking towards me. She has a blanket and holds it out to me.

After waiting a second to see if she means it, I reach out and tug the blanket out of her hands. She chuckles and I quickly wrap it around my shoulders.

“You’d think with all that fur you wouldn’t get so cold…”

I don’t respond. I just pull my legs up onto the bench I’m sitting on and wrap them in the blanket.

I hear Videa sigh, and I glance up to see her frowning.

Oh. “Um… thank you,” I whisper before ducking down and burying my face between my knees.

She sighs again and there’s a scuffling as she sits down next to me. I try not to stiffen as she puts her hand on my shoulder.

“How old are you, sweetheart?”

I shrug, keeping my head down. It’s true that I don’t know. Based on my number I know I was in the home for 6 years. It’s been two since then. So I have to be at least eight. But I’m small, even for an eight or nine-year-old. Or, I’m smaller than any Lizardkin my age. But I’m pretty sure whatever I am doesn’t grow the same way Lizardfolk do.

I wonder if this lady knows what I am, but I’m not gonna ask her.

She sits with me for a little while, but she doesn’t ask me more questions. Eventually, she leaves.

When I have the short bench to myself again, I lay down, curling up in the warm spot she left behind. It smells like her, almost like cactus blossoms but sweeter. Slowly, with the sound of the ship thrumming around me, I drift off to sleep.

All the other “refugees” and I are standing in a clump at the front of the ship, and everything’s buzzing. People are whispering, excited and nervous for what we’re going to see when they open the door. They gave us instructions – they said we would be directed through the “hangar” (the place where they kept the ships) to a room called a “processing office.” They said that there we’d be assigned places to stay, get help finding jobs and that they’d figure out anything else we’d need help with to set up a life here.

I practice the word again. “Refugees,” I whisper, fighting to pull my lips back enough to make the sound at the end. It’s not a sound that’s used a lot in Lizardfolk. One of the winged people, who had brown hair that hung down in front of their eyes, explained that was the word for us in Etherian. It meant we were looking for a safe place away from the danger of our home world.

I guess it works.

I practice the other word too, “Etherian.” That’s the language most people on the planet speak. Apparently most of them were refugees at one point too. And now they live here, on Floulite.

That’s my favorite of the new words – “Floulite.” It sounds like whistling.

My ears perk up as the door lurches. It opens slowly, shuddering the whole way. I watch eagerly as more and more of the new world becomes visible through the crack.

It’s… amazing.

There are dozens of ships, a lot like this one, pointy and dark lined up against the darker walls, and at the far end of the building there’s a large open doorway and everything on the other side is bright. We start moving, the winged people leading us down the ramp onto the hangar floor. It’s cold and slick beneath my feet.

All around us are people, walking around tapping away at pads and wearing light purple suits. They aren’t identical though. They have different patterns and shapes. A few of them have helmets under their arms. I realize after a second that the winged people are wearing similar suits. They weren’t when we first got on the ship. I wonder what they mean.

We’re led about halfway down the hangar and then we turn, going through a door that’s smaller than the one at the end and a little less bright. Through the door is a room with soft purple walls and a desk in each of its four corners. Sitting at those desks are people, but not like any people I’ve ever seen.

One lady has long reddish brown pigtails, like the color of the deep sand back home, and a large… red thing on the top of her head. And there’s a man who looks… well he looks a little bit like a goat.

The middle of the room is filled with chairs and a lot of them already have people in them. There’s one lady who has this head that looks like it’s filled with cactus jelly, and a man who has a scaly face, but with fins sticking out of his neck.

I wonder for a second if there will be someone on this planet that looks like me.

I realize after a second that all the other “refugees” sat down and I’m just standing in the middle of the room. I can feel people looking at me, and it makes me itch. So I duck my head and find an empty seat.

The floppy haired wing person stands at the front of the room where there’s a big white screen. They tap it and it lights up. I recognize the picture on it – it’s a picture of this planet. I saw it out of a viewport on the ship. It’s pretty, lots of blue and pink.

I wonder what the Crimson Desert looks like from space. It’s probably just a big reddish orange blob. I can’t picture anything else though, I’d never been anywhere except the desert. I don’t even know if our planet has land that isn’t desert.

The winged person with the hair starts talking, and I sit up. I’m anxious, but I’m gonna listen.

“…one of our clerks will come up to you and take you back to their desk to get your affairs sorted out. If you have partners or children, take them with you. While you wait, we’re going to have you watch this video.” They tap the screen again, and the picture of the planet starts to move. “It’s informational. It will tell you all about Floulite and what to expect from your life here.”

They step back, going to a chair at the back of the room and the picture on the screen changes. A woman with pink hair that sparkles and a soft smile appears.

“Welcome to Floulite,” she says. Her voice is high pitched and friendly. Maybe too friendly? Like the lady who owns the bakery back home. She sounds friendly, but she’s mean, and always shoos me away from her trash.

“I’m Glimmer of Bright Moon.”

She starts talking about how Bright Moon was a place on her home planet, and that she was part of a very important family there. She talks about the war with the Horde and having to leave her planet. She says that Floulite was “inhospitable” when they first arrived, but that her people managed to use technology to make it easier to live here.

Then there’s a lady with really long purple pigtails on screen talking about “biomes.”

It’s a very long video, and I start to fall asleep after about 20 minutes.

Then a new lady starts talking.

“Hello,” my eyes fly open, “I’m Adora.”

The lady on screen is very pretty, but also friendly looking, and strong. She has broad shoulders and blonde hair in a ponytail. She starts talking again and her voice makes me feel… something. It’s good, even though it makes my eyes water a little. Her voice is warm and safe.

I don’t remember the last time I felt like that.

“I’m a General in the Rebellion Army.” She smiles. “I promise, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Lots of paperwork. But I wanted to assure you that you are safe here on Floulite.” She puts her hands behind her back and stands up taller. “The war effort is ongoing, but Etherian ships are untraceable for the Horde and we have made a safe harbor here.” Her face gets serious, and I feel like she’s looking right at me when she speaks again. “I promise, this war will end, and we will be victorious. Nothing will stop me from defeating the Horde.”

She sighs and her gaze drops. “We’re so close, and when this war is over, you will all be able to go home.” She lifts her head again, and smiles. “Or, if you want, you can stay. Floulite will never turn you away.”

I blink and the screen goes dark. After a second where the music gets louder the screen shows a lady stepping off one of the ships in the hangar. She’s wearing her helmet, and I make a face. It… has ears?

She takes the helmet off and I gasp. Loudly.

She has ears like mine.

I look at her, all of her, and I make a list in my head of all the ways she looks like me – she has the same ears, she has a tail, her face is covered in sand colored fur, and her fingers are long and pointy like maybe she has claws underneath the gloves.

And yeah, her tail is black and sleek, and her hair is brown and her eyes are two different colors, but it wouldn’t make sense for everything to be exactly the same. Lizardfolk don’t all look exactly the same, not even lizardkin and their parents.

The lady on screen smiles and two of her sharp top teeth poke out over her lip.

“Hello,” her voice is raspy and it makes my skin tingle, “I’m Catra. Welcome to Floulite.”

It’s like when the blonde lady, Adora, was talking. But… a little different. When Adora was talking it was good, just good. But this lady… I feel like I’m looking up at the stars.

Maybe it’s ‘cause she looks like me. Maybe I just really want to meet her. I wonder if they’ll let me.

I throw my hand up in the air and wave it around like we would do at the Home during lessons if we had a question. Catra’s still talking on the screen. “I’m the head of the Department of Planetary Outreach and Humanitarian Services. Which is just a fancy way of say I’m here to help you…”

Finally the winged person with the hair notices me. They come over and bend down, probably so they can see my face in the dark. I don’t thing the winged people can see well when it’s dark like me and the lizardfolk can.

“Yes? Do you have a question?”

I drop my hand and point at the screen. “What is she?”

They look at the lady and their brow wrinkles. “That’s Catra, she’s the head of—”

I shake my head. “No! Not who. What. What species is she?”

They turn back to me and they look really confused. “She’s a magicat. Aren’t you also a magicat?”

I blink. “Magicat…” I whisper, practicing the word. That was the word Videa had whispered, or, it’s one of them. I wonder why I’ve never heard it before.

I’m thinking so hard about that word, about what it means that I look like the lady on the screen, and about how I’m gonna make these people let me meet someone so important, when my ear flicks. Someone’s walking toward us. I pull my eyes away from the screen and look up into pink eyes and pinker hair.

Glimmer, the same Glimmer from the video, crouches down next to me. My mouth falls open. She smiles and gives a quick nod to floppy hair. They nod back and stand up to go back to their chair. Or, I assume that’s where they’re going. I don’t watch. I just stare at Glimmer.

She smells sweeter than agave and honey. I didn’t know a person could smell like that.

“Hello!” she beams. She holds out her hand. “I’m Glimmer.”

I don’t take her hand. I clamp my mouth shut and look between her and the view screen. I think the video is gonna be over soon. Glimmer’s on screen again and she’s saying something about wishing us luck.

“Like from the video,” I mutter.

Glimmer nods and pulls her hand back. “What’s your name?” she asks, cocking her head.

I pull my legs up underneath me on the chair and wrap my tail around my stomach. I’m sick of telling this story. I don’t like the way I get looked at. I wasn’t the only kid without a name. No one in the Home had one. We just had numbers. Although some kids had nicknames. I wasn’t one of those kids.

Glimmer realizes I’m not gonna answer her question and sighs. “Will you at least tell me where you’re from?”

I look up from my feet and shrug. “I don’t know what you call it.”

Honestly I wasn’t sure what the other people from my planet called it either. I’d heard a few different names – Raptca and Fierra are the ones I can remember, but I don’t think Glimmer would be able to even pronounce those names right.

Glimmer presses her lips together. “I’m trying here, kid. Help me out.”

I glare at her and stick out my tongue. I’m tired. For the last few days I’ve been sleeping on a bench in a very cold ship. And for the last two years I’ve been sleeping on the very hard ground without a pillow or blanket, hiding in alleys. People ignored me, pretended I wasn’t there when I was asking for their scraps of food. But now I’m here, and I’ve been answering questions and listening quietly for days. I did everything they asked.

I don’t want to be 0515. I don’t wanna be from Raptca or Fierra or wherever the Crimson Desert is. I wanna be someone new, and I wanna live on Floulite. Why does she need to know who I was? It’s not who I’m going to be ever again.

She groans. “Where are your parents?”

I bite my lip and pull my knees to my chest. I don’t wanna answer this question either. But maybe I should. I think she’s gonna keep asking me stuff until I answer something. And she’ll probably figure this one out eventually.

And I’m guessing to get a new name or a new home or…

I don’t let myself imagine a family. They won’t give me one of those. They’ll probably just put me in a new Home. And that’s okay – the Home was better than the streets. But I should probably tell her a Home is where I belong…

“I don’t know.”

Glimmer frowns. Her eyes dart around the room. “I’m sure they’re here somewhere. We’ll find—”

“No,” I lift my head and reach out to pat her on the arm. She looks down at my hand and then back up at my face. She’s kinda smiling.

“I don’t have parents,” I murmur.

Based on how Videa acted, and how the occasional Lizardfolk mother would look at me when she called her kids in and told me to go home, I kinda expect Glimmer to react a certain way.

She does not.

She smiles big and tightens her grip on my hand. “Really?”

The tip of my tail flicks against my side. I can hear the quiet woosh it makes and the sprinkle of sand falling to the ground. It’s too fluffy, it’s always getting dirty. I remember the Magicat lady’s, Catra, I practice in my head, sleek black tail. It makes me anxious. It’s different. Maybe I don’t belong here either…

“Yeah,” I mutter, answering Glimmer’s question. I can’t remember a life before the Home. “I lived in the village Home for the Ones Without until a couple years ago. But then that village was attacked by the Horde.”

She covers my hand with her own. It’s soft and warm. “Where have you been living since then?”

I frown. The prettiest way to say it is to tell her “I sleep under the stars,” but she’s smart. And I’m a better liar than spinner.

“Come on,” she says, standing up and wrapping her hand around mine. “I think I know where you belong.”

After that Glimmer took me up to one of the tables – the one with the lady with pigtails and the red thing on her head. She whispered with the lady for a couple minutes, and they filled out papers. I thought she would’ve asked me questions like I thought she’d asked the other refugees. But I guess Glimmer told her everything important.

I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying. I think they were speaking Etherian. That’s when I realized that the video had been in Lizardfolk.

I raise my hand and wave it around. The pigtail lady notices me and she looks a lil confused. “Yes?” she asks. Her voice is interesting, kinda like it’s cracking a lot. I like it.

“How do you know Lizardfolk?”

Glimmer and the lady smile at me. Glimmer lifts up her hand. “We don’t.” On her finger is a silver ring. She turns it, using her thumb, and it glows red. Then she starts speaking again and the words make no sense to me. She must be speaking Etherian.

But something about the sound of the words tugs in my chest. It sounds like singing. My ears twitch and my tail flicks back and forth. “What’s that?”

Glimmer snickers and turns it again. It glows green. “It’s a translator. If you watch my mouth, you’ll probably notice it twitching a little bit. Just in the corner?” She points at her mouth. “See?”

My eyes get wide, and I straighten in my chair. “Can I have one?”

Glimmer and the lady both laugh this time. “That’s what we’re working on. Just give me a couple more minutes and we’ll be on our way.”

I sigh and cross my arms. I’ve been waiting for a while and I’m starting to get really bored. “Where are we going anyway?”

The pigtail lady looks at Glimmer out of the corner of her eye. I’m guessing she doesn’t know what Glimmer is planning to do with me either.

“I’m taking you to meet someone,” Glimmer shrugs, reaching onto the table and picking up another paper. “I think she’ll be very excited to see you.”

I perk up again. “Is it Catra?”

Glimmer freezes and the pigtail lady’s eyes get big. She looks back and forth between me and Glimmer.

“You don’t think—”

Glimmer holds up a hand and gives the lady a hard stare. “Why,” she turns to me, “do you think I would be taking you to meet Catra?”

I shrug, now pretty sure I definitely did something wrong. “Well, she’s a… ‘magicat,’” I struggle to get the word out right. “Which is what the winged person with floppy hair said I am. And in the video she said she was here to help refugees. I just thought…” I shrug again and pick up the end of my tail.

When I look back into Glimmer’s face her eyes are so… shiny. I jump to my feet. “Your eyes are wet!”

She blinks, and a drop of water runs down her cheek. I stare at it. I’ve never seen another person “leak” before! Lizardfolk don’t do it, and both of my villages were primarily lizardfolk. I once met a Coyota, but I forgot to ask before he’d passed through.

“Um…” she blinks, “Yeah, don’t yours get—”

I put both hands on the desk and lean forward. “I’ve never met someone else who’s eyes leak!”

She laughs and puts a hand on my head. I stiffen a little until she starts to scratch at the fur on the top of my head, and I nearly collapse.

No one’s ever scratched my head before. I have, I guess, but it didn’t feel like this. A soft rumbling builds up in my chest.

“Etherians call it ‘crying’,” Glimmer explains, pulling back her hand. The rumbling slowly dissipates. “And most all of us do it. It happens when you feel an intense emotion or feelings. But you probably already knew that, huh?”

I bob my head, sitting back in my chair. “I almost did it during the video,” I sigh, settling into the chair happily. The scratches felt so good. “I try not to though, because the Lizardkin would get scared.”

I hear Glimmer huff, “What part made you cry?”

I shrug, closing my eyes. “I almost… ‘cried’?” I look to see Glimmer nod and smile. Maybe someday I’ll be able to speak Etherian like her. “When I saw Catra. I’ve never seen another… Ma-gi-cat,” I sound it out carefully, “before. But the first time was when the blonde lady was talking. Adora, right?”

Glimmer’s eyes got wet again, like she was seconds away from crying. “What about Adora made you want to cry?”

I shrug again, feeling a little embarrassed but I’m not gonna let Glimmer and red hat know that. “Just when she started talking… She seems… nice.”

Glimmer beams and straightens, grabbing up the paperwork she and the lady had been filling out. “Come on kid, I’m about to make your life.”

I scrunch my nose. I don’t understand what she means. But I hop off the chair. “So… I’m not going to meet Catra?”

She shakes her head but she’s still excited. I don’t know why.

“Who am I going to meet?”

Glimmer smirks like a desert fox. “Her wife.”

Glimmer took me out of that room, and down a dark hallway. We walk for a long time and I’m starting to count the weird panels on the floor. They’re cold on my feet and made out of some kind of metal, I think. But it’s blue, like very blue, which I didn’t think metal could be. After another couple minutes we turn right and the hall that was dark and dreary is filled with light.

I blink a couple times, but once my eyes adjust I realize this part of the hall has large square windows along the left side. They’re taller than I am and wider than I can hold out my arms. I run up to the nearest one, pushing Glimmer out of the way, and press my nose up against the glass.

For the first time I’m able to see Floulite, and it’s amazing.

It’s so blue.

I realize pretty quickly that it’s blue because of the crystals. On all sides there are big blue crystals lining the walls and poking through the dark ground. Even the sky is crystals.

Because we’re underground.

I gasp. There are buildings on the ground, all different colors and shapes and sizes, but there are also buildings that are buried in the walls. And connecting a bunch of the wall buildings are long white tubes that sprawl along the walls in all different directions. They have windows and through them I can see people walking. Look down, pressing my face even flatter against the window.

I’m in one of those tubes now.

I giggle. Then I notice the people.  

Down on the floor of the cave are people, hundreds of people, just walking around, laughing and talking. I realize that the buildings on the ground are houses, and I wonder if I’ll get to live in one.

They’re nice looking, a lot of different colors and shapes. There’s one near me that’s pink and super boxy. But the one next to it is purple and has a sloping roof and kinda looks like a really big, wooden tent.

A lady who looks like a goat walks into a really round house, it looks like a ball got cut in half and put on the ground, and I wonder if she has a family.

Glimmer taps me on the shoulder and I pull my head back. She smiles at me and crouches next to me. “See that dark tunnel over there?” She points to the far end of the cave and I squint. After a second I see a dark splotch that reaches about halfway up the wall. It’s not very big, from this far away that is, but I’m sure people could fit through it. I nod.

Glimmer smiles. “There’s another settlement through there, and another one past that.”

My mouth falls open and my eyes get big. “How many people live here?”

She shrugs and stands up straight again. “I don’t know to be honest. But a lot.” She holds out her hand. “Now come on, we’re almost there.”

I stare at her hand. She’s wearing fingerless white gloves and she doesn’t have claws…

“I might rip your gloves,” I whisper, holding up my hand so she can see the little knives on the tips of my fingers.

She sighs and drops her hand. “You’re just like them…”  

I don’t ask her what she means, but when she turns to keep walking I follow her.

She’s right, it isn’t much longer and we’re approaching a solid metal wall with a crack down the middle. On the right side is a little keypad with glowing purple keys. Glimmer types on the pad and after a second the wall is sliding open with a woosh. It’s a lot louder than the one my tail makes.

On the other side of the door is… Well I don’t know what this is.

There’s people, lots of people, and lots of viewscreens on long desks that stretch across the room. It would be really dark but on the far wall is a giant viewscreen that’s glowing a really bright purple.

My ears press flat against my head. It’s so loud in here. There’s a bunch of beeping and whirring and all the talking. Most of its kinda hushed, like people are whispering, but I wince as a really loud and shrill voice starts talking over everybody else.

“I think it would be to our biggest advantage to use a highly magnetized pulse to—”

There’s a heavy sigh and then a comforting voice fills the room. “Entrapta, last time we deployed magnetized pulses, we almost—”

“I know!” the first lady says, and Glimmer puts her hand on my back.

She crouches down next to me again. “Stay right here, okay?” she whispers and I kinda nod. But I’m also trying to look through the crowd of people to find the voice that I’m pretty sure belongs to—

“Adora!” Glimmer cries out, and everyone in the room stops talking. They turn their heads to look at Glimmer and then most of them see me standing next to her. They look at me like they’ve never seen anyone like me before.

But they have. They… they know Catra. Don’t they?

After a second a bunch of them step to the side, leaving a clear path in the middle of the room to a desk covered in papers and keyboards and big computer screens. Hunched over it, with hair falling out of her ponytail and a scowl on her face, is Adora.

She’s sorting through papers and standing behind her is the lady from the video who had the long purple pigtails and talked about science stuff. She looks at me and kinda freezes. Adora’s still looking at the desk.

Then the other lady’s hair reaches up and taps Adora on the shoulder.

She lifts her head and looks back at pigtail lady. “What? Entrapta you’re the one who—”

Entrapta, I guess that’s her name but it sounds a lot like a Lizardfolk name and she’s obviously an Etherian, grabs Adora’s chin with her hair and turns her head so she’s looking right at me.

Adora stops talking. Her entire body freezes and she drops all the papers in her hand.

After almost two whole seconds she takes a shaky breath and her shoulders shake. “Finn?”

My tail, that was slowly whipping back and forth with anxiety, sticks straight out. All my fur is standing on end and my ears are lying flat against my head. I feel like cold water was just poured over my head.

Her voice is really soft, like she’s hopeful and excited but also scared. I think I feel the same way.

I don’t know what Finn is, but the way she said it makes me think it’s a name. Maybe… maybe she thinks it’s my name?

Glimmer puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Adora, this is—”

Glimmer doesn’t finish. Adora pushes past Entrapta and runs toward us. She’s not very far away, but she runs as fast as I think she can.

The kids at the Home always said I spooked easy. And I’m already terrified of the warm and burning feeling in my chest.

Before Adora can get to us I’m climbing up onto Glimmer’s back, ignoring her yelps as my claws dig into her skin.

Adora stops about three feet away, her eyes wide and her arms out, like she wants to grab me and pull me off Glimmer’s back. But she doesn’t. She just drops her arms and her eyes get wet.  

I glare at her from just above Glimmer’s shoulder.

This lady makes me feel safe. She makes me feel warm. And the way she’s looking at me makes me feel… something. And I don’t know what that something is. But I do know that being safe and warm don’t last.

“You’re…” she swallows, and I lift my head a little higher. She sounds really sad, and it’s making me sad. “You’re Finn, aren’t you?”

I’m not gonna start leaking—crying now. I’ve spent the last two years as a village rat. I won’t cry just because a pretty and nice stranger is.

Not that I know she’s actually nice, I remind myself. But I feel it. I feel it in my bones.

I stick out my lower lip. My tail is whipping back and forth fast. Slowly I lift my hand and I use the tip of my claw to tap Glimmer on the shoulder.

She turns her head a little, barely meeting my eyes. “Yes?”

I shoot Adora another scowl and hold my hand up to Glimmer’s ear so no one will hear what I’m saying.

“What’s a Finn?” I whisper and Glimmer laughs a little.

“I probably should’ve told you before we got here…” she shakes her head and covers my hand with hers. My fingers twitch. “Finn is the name of Adora’s child. They went missing almost 8 years ago.”

I blink, and when I look back at Adora she looks like she’s going to start crying any second.

I lean into Glimmer’s ear again. “But I’m a magicat. Adora’s not a magicat.”

She nods, moving her arms. She very slowly pulls me around to her front, holding me up. “No, but Adora’s wife is.”

I retract my claws from Glimmer’s shirt and mutter a soft apology. She shrugs and I wrap my arms around her neck to hold on tight.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to trust Glimmer, especially since I thought she sounded too nice.  But I think it’s because she smells sweet and she sparkles like stars. Sweets were so rare in the Home, I’ve only had honey twice in my life. And I look at the stars with longing, but I’ve only been in the stars once. Glimmer reminds me of my dreams.

But Adora is warm, and safe. I take a subtle sniff of the air and flinch. There are so many people, so many smells… But there’s one that smells… almost like me.

I’ve been warm, I spent so many days with friends under the desert sun and cuddled up in bed together at night. I’ve been safe, knowing every day that I would eat and have blankets and pillows… Those things scare me so much more than the stars and honey does.

Adora makes a weird noise and I look at her face again.  

Adora’s hair is a lot like mine. It’s blonde too, and kinda wispy, but there’s so much of it. Just like me. And her eyes are blue, like mine. At least I think mine are blue. That’s what others have told me, and I haven’t seen a mirror in a while.

Slowly I pull my hand away from Glimmer’s neck. I tap her shoulder again. I point to the floor and she sets me down. I unwrap my tail from her arm, which I didn’t even realize I’d done that, and take the end in my hand.

I stroke the tip and Adora makes that sound again.

When I meet her eyes I think about how her voice, crying, and the way the name Finn feels.

I remember the way I would sometimes think about my mother when I was small, and I always knew she would be pretty. Pretty and kind.

Adora’s pretty, even when she’s crying.

Which she is. She’s crying. A lot. But it’s quiet and she’s just waiting.

I take a step towards her. “Why do you think I’m Finn?” I ask, pinching the very fine hairs at the end of my tail.

She smiles, kinda. She’s still crying. “Um… you look like them. You have the same hair color. And…” she shivers, “you have the same blue eyes.”

I nod. That makes sense. Those were the same things I noticed about myself…

“And the same tail.”

I lift my head, meeting Adora’s soft expression. I realize that people don’t just look at anyone like that.

I almost don’t have the words for it, but I remember how it felt to see it.

I saw that look on mothers in the village when they would call their kids in at sundown. I saw that look on my friend 0599 from the home when she would talk about her parents who died. I saw it on people in the market and town square. But no one has ever looked at me like that.

No one’s ever loved me before.

Adora is looking at me like she loves me.

My heart feels big, like it’s gonna pound out of my chest. I point at the ground, and Adora slowly lowers herself to her knees.

I take a few steps forward, going slow. I’m worried my heart’s gonna burst. But when Adora is finally close enough, I stop.

I was one without home, I was a village rat, I was 0515, and now I am a nameless refugee. I have been so many different people, but…

I bite my lip. “I wanna be Finn.”

I throw myself at her, wrapping my arms around her neck and hugging her tight.

I’ve only done this a few times, so I don’t think I’m any good. I just know you’re supposed to hold on. So, I hold on.

It doesn’t take long at all. She wraps her arms around me too and puts her head in my shoulder. She squeezes me so tight, and she starts crying so hard she shakes.  

I pick up the end of her ponytail and start stroking the end like I do my tail.

“It’s okay,” I whisper, and she shivers.

I press my cheek against her neck and water starts to burn in my eyes. “Are… are you really my mother?”

She nods and I feel her chin hitting the back of my shoulder.

“Hi.” I smile and rub my cheek against hers. I’m crying now too. But it’s good. It feels really, really good.  

Adora laughs, and she almost chokes on it. “Hey, baby.” She takes a deep breath. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Chapter Text

I’m sitting on what Adora called a “couch” and kicking my feet. It’s long and has cushions like an expensive chair or bench. But the whole thing looks like cushion and when my heels hit the front they bounce a little.

I think that would make me laugh most of the time. But I’m too nervous to laugh.

Adora is in another room, the one next to this one, and Glimmer and Entrapta are in there too. They’re being kinda loud so I can tell they’re arguing, but I can’t understand what they’re saying.

It doesn’t sound like they’re getting quieter though, and I have to pee.

I hop down from the couch and glance at the little ring they gave me. I twist it and it lights up green.

I walk across the room till I reach the pale blue door and stop. I can hear them now, and because of the ring, I can understand them.

It’s kinda weird, like I’m hearing the Etherian and then there’s lizardfolk being spoken overtop of it. I wonder how it works.

“You have to call her, Adora! She has a right to know!” Glimmer cries. Her voice gets kinda high when she gets angry, and it doesn’t hurt my ears but it does make them buzzy.

“Glimmer,” Adora’s voice is harder to hear, “what is the point? She is thousands of lightyears away. She’ll be back in a week—”

I press my ear to the door.

“Technically six days, eight hours, and 12 minutes,” Entrapta adds. My ear twitches, and something in my stomach flips.  

“See!” Adora almost shouts. Or maybe it’s just louder with my ear on the door… “She’s—”

“She could cut her trip short!” Glimmer says. “Don’t you think she’d wa—”

“Of course she wants to be here! But that’s what you’re not getting – she’s already on her way.” Adora’s voice gets softer. “Entrapta? What is the fastest Catra can get here considering her ship schematics and crew size?”

I hear a few clicks and beeps. “Approximately six days, eight hours and 11 minutes.”

There’s a pause and I almost push back from the door to knock when Glimmer groans. “Admit it, you’re afraid to call her?”

Adora scoffs, “What? Why would I be afraid to call her?”

It’s really obvious that she’s lying. I wonder if she knows that she sounds like that.

“I don’t know, why are you afraid to call?” Someone starts tapping their foot. I think it’s Glimmer. “I thought you two were ‘dating’ or something?”

I hear someone shuffling. “We are. But…”

“But…?”

There’s more shuffling, and then a beep and a click. “I believe Adora is anxious because Catra has still not spent the night. She has also appeared hesitant to spend time with Adora in public, and has yet to tell her she loves her. Which she has not done in three years.”

“Entrapta!”

I pull back from the door. The next thing that’s said is softer and I can’t make it out. But maybe that’s my fault. I can’t hear anything over my heavy breathing and very fast heart.

Glimmer told me I was meeting Catra’s wife, but I kinda forgot when people started saying Adora could be my mother. I should’ve figured it out. Glimmer said Adora’s wife was a magicat. Which means…

Catra’s my mother too.

My heart leaps in my chest. I have two mothers. That’s more than one, and one was amazing. I have two people who are gonna love me and take care of me and who—

Are… ‘dating’?

I don’t know what that means, lizardfolk must not have a word for it, but something about the way Glimmer said it makes me feel sick. But I know on Raptca parents are usually married. And when they aren’t married…

I had a friend in Sunchoke who told me when his mother and father decided to cleave his dad was cast out of town, and he never saw him again. He said that was normal, especially if a partner was unfaithful. Sometimes he’d get transmissions from his dad and he’d send some back to him, but his dad wasn’t allowed back in town.

Is dating like being cleaved? Is it something that happens before you’re cleaved? Am I going to get two mothers just to lose one.

I start leaking, and I step away from the door. I look around the room and realize that on the right side of the room, just above another couch that isn’t quite so long, is a large window with a bench right beneath it. The bench is covered in blankets and pillows and really looks more like a bed or a couch than a bench and it’s kinda tucked into the nook.

I run for it, leaping up onto whatever it is and burying myself in the corner, behind the pillows. I even duck behind the window’s curtains. I don’t think to look outside and look at all the other pretty houses I saw when Adora brought me here, I just close my eyes and try to ‘cry’ silently.

I hear a door open, and the voices get loud again.

“I still think—”

I twist my ring.

Glimmer is still talking when Adora says something, and her voice is hard. There’s a second where everyone’s quiet and then Adora yells.

“Finn!” Glimmer call outs, and she must’ve twisted her ring. “Finn where are you?”

I cover my ears.

“Finn!” It’s Adora this time and she sounds… she sounds bad. Like she’s crying. “Finn if you’re hiding please come out!”

Entrapta says something I don’t understand, and then all I hear is Adora. She’s crying so hard it sounds like she’s shaking.

And that makes me cry harder too.

I don’t want to make her sad, but why is she crying so hard?

“We’ll find them, Adora. Entrapta and I will go look, you wait here in case they come back.”

“No!” Adora shouts and my ears fall back. “I need to get to the dock. If someone is taking them off planet—”

I frown and wipe at my tears. Why would someone be taking me off Floulite? I just got here…

Oh.

I flip my tail to the edge of the curtain and whip it back and forth. It shakes the fabric and Glimmer gasps.

Seconds later the curtain is being pulled back and Adora is lifting me into her arms.

She’s holding me so tight, and it doesn’t really hurt but it makes my heart hurt. So I start crying more, and I wrap my arms around her neck and try to hold her just as tight.

“Finn,” she whispers, rubbing up and down my back with her hand, “please don’t do that again. Please don’t ever do that again.”

I nod, rubbing my face against her neck. “I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t have to be sorry, baby. You didn’t know.”

I pull my head out of her neck and frown. I’m still crying, but I can be quiet now. I take the end of her ponytail between my fingers. “Are you okay now?”

She blinks a few times and then smiles. It’s really soft looking, like the first one where I realized she loves me. “I’m okay now.” She turns us, and I see Glimmer and Entrapta standing near the front door. They’re both smiling at us.

“You guys can go,” Adora says, readjusting me in her arms. “I’ll call you on my tracker pad if I need help.”

Glimmer’s smile disappears. “Adora—”

“She’s my wife, Glimmer. And Finn’s my child. Just trust me, okay?”

Glimmer huffs. “Those are both barely true.” Adora flinches, and I squeeze her a little tighter. I don’t know what Glimmer means, but whatever it is, she’s hurting my mother.

I have a mother. She’s a General in the war against the Horde. She’s tall and has blonde hair like me. She must be strong, and smart, and brave.

And she loves me like mothers are supposed to.

“Glimmer,” I lift my head off Adora’s shoulder. “If you’re gonna be mean, you can go.”

Glimmer’s mouth falls open, and I think she’s surprised. “But—”

Maybe I should be nicer – she did bring me to my mother, and she’s been really nice to me. But I don’t like the way Adora flinched or how she was yelling at her earlier. I glance at Adora and her eyes are shiny like right before you cry, but she’s smiling. That makes me sure.

I pat Adora’s shoulder and lift my chin. “Skedaddle Sparkles.”

Everyone freezes and my ear twitches the sudden silence. “What?” I murmur and my claws dig into Adora’s shoulder.

Entrapta laughs and it’s loud and kind of like a cackle. “Amazing! It seems despite having no conscious memory of her, Finn has retained some of the traits that characterize their mother – namely their proclivity for doling out cutting nicknames! Potentially the nickname is even as direct a translation as exists for their mother’s own nickname for Glimmer!

“They would be a perfect study in nature vs. nurture! Finn,” she pulls out a little metal box with a big red button on top and walks towards me on her hair. Like, really walks, using her pigtails like legs, “how do you feel about water? Are you a talented singer? Hmm, that one could go either way, actually. Adora is not—”

Adora pushed the little box out of my face. “You’re not using Finn as an experiment, Entrapta.”

Entrapta frowns and drops her head. “I wasn’t going to do anything risky. Just… ask them questions.”

Adora sighs and readjusts me on her hip. I know I’m kinda small, but I haven’t been held by an adult like this in a long time. It’s kinda nice, but I know I’m probably heavy.

“Maybe another time, Entrapta.” Adora puts her hand on Entrapta’s shoulder. “If Finn is up for it. But right now…”

Entrapta nods, smiling again, sorta. “Glimmer and I will see you later,” she says, patting Adora’s hand.

Glimmer doesn’t seem happy about this. “Oh, we will, huh?”

Entrapta nods, walking up to Glimmer and giving her a pat on the shoulder. “Yes. Because Adora is our friend, and we respect her wants and needs.”

Glimmer sighs, throwing her head back and when she looks at me, I narrow my eyes.

“Fine!” She groans and Entrapta opens the door. “I will be calling you, Adora. And if you don’t tell her, I will.”

Adora squeezes me just a little tighter. “No, you won’t. Because you’re going to realize I’m right.”

Entrapta walks out the door and Glimmer is a step behind her. She’s not looking at us, but she grabs the door and looks over her should for just a second. “Maybe, but if you’re wrong…”

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

I don’t really know what that means, but Glimmer finally leaves and pulls the door closed after her.

For a second Adora just stands still, then she’s moving me again and holding me in front of her. She presses her face in my shoulder. She’s breathing really loud, and I think she might cry again. I wrap my arms around her neck.

I’ve never been held this much or hugged. It’s kind of weird. But nice. Yeah, weird but nice.

Adora lifts her head and smiles at me. Her face is a little wet and her eyes are shiny, so I’m pretty sure she was crying, but she’s smiling like she’s never been happier. I think it was a good cry.

“Come on,” she sighs, rubbing my back. “You’re probably starving.”

“Actually,” I squirm a little, “I gotta pee. But food after?”

She laughs and pulls me in close again. “Of course.”

The bathroom was so shiny, kinda like the one on the ship but brighter and whiter. I took a long time just playing in the water of the sink.

Adora asked me a lot of questions while I was eating, like the name of the planet I was on, the village I lived in, and if I grew up in an orphanage or had parents. I tried to answer her questions, but some of them were hard. Adora told me that the rings work better when they’re both on so I twisted mine.

Then some of her questions made more sense.

After I finished eating, I thought she might stop asking me things, but she just started asking different things – what’s your favorite color? Do you like music? Did you play any sports on Raptca?

She struggles to pronounce it, but it’s better than I thought she’d do.

After I tell her about the game I’d play with the other kids in the village that we called “skin ball” because the ball was made from the skin of desert foxes, but also filled with crushed up gray sage, she picks me up and we started walking down the hall.

I roll my eyes. “I can walk, you know? I’m not a little kid.”

Adora shakes her head and sets me down on the biggest bed I’ve ever seen. The sheets are purple and covered in stars. It looked like the night sky in Sunchoke right before the sun and red moon rise.

Which… I’m never going to see again.

For a second my heart aches. When I chose to leave Raptca and the Crimson Desert I thought I wouldn’t miss it. I wasn’t happy there, not since the Home was destroyed. I didn’t want to be a village rat. It wasn’t safe to be.

But I shoulda known I would miss the sky.

I take a deep breath and bury my head in the blanket. At least there’s this to remember it by.

I feel the bed move and lift my head. Adora’s sitting down on the other side, leaning up against some fancy piece of wood at the top. “Your mama does that,” she smiles, “when she gets into bed she just rubs her face all over it. Then she rubs her face all over me. She—" Adora stops talking, and her smile disappears.

I lift myself up and crawl towards her on the bed. I sit down next to her and lean up against the wood. There are pillows under my butt, but I think my head’s gonna start to hurt in a little.

“When will I get to meet my ‘mama’?” I don’t know the word, but I’m guessing it means mother.

Adora tries to smile, but I can tell she feels bad. “As soon as she gets home. She’s on a mission right now, scouting a planet.”

I nod, then pucker my lips and scrunch my nose. “Why is she doing that?”

Adora laughs. “She’s kind of an important person.”

I roll my eyes. “So are you, but you’re here.”

She laughs again. “Her job’s a lot more fun than mine.”

I narrow my eyes. “Why’s that?”

Adora shrugs and looks across the room. There’s a door on each side of the wall over there. I can see through the one on my side of the room and it looks like a bathroom based on what I saw in the other one. There’s a view screen across from the bed, a long, chest under it, and book shelves on either side. On the shelves are books and pictures, and that’s what I think Adora’s looking at.

I lean forward. Adora is in a lot of the pictures. So is Catra.

I think Catra’s in more of them.

“Adora,” I whisper, anxiety filling my chest for the first time in over an hour, “what does ‘dating’—”

As soon as I say it, I feel like I’m being slapped across the face. It’s like the word translated itself when I said it. I look down at the glowing ring on my finger. I know what dating means.

It’s like ‘stitching.’ That’s what people do before they get married. They spend time together and talk and plan their life. They practice being married and have sleepovers.

That’s what my friend Etcorin told me when his sister was stitching. And I think that’s a good thing. Well… except aren’t mothers supposed to be married?

“I believe Adora is anxious because Catra has still not spent the night. She has also appeared hesitant to spend time with Adora in public and has yet to tell her she loves her. Which she has not done in three years.”

Maybe I don’t know what ‘dating’ or stitching means…

Adora’s lips are pressed together so tight I can’t actually see them anymore. “You were listening to us arguing earlier, weren’t you?”

I drop my head and shrug. I start to poke at the stars on the blanket, but I keep my claws retracted. “Only a little…”

She sighs. After a second she lifts her hand, really slowly like she doesn’t want to scare me, and puts it on the back of my head.

She starts to scratch, just a little, and a shiver runs down my spine. It feels really nice, the scratching. I knew it felt nice when I would scratch the sand out of my hair, but this feels even nicer.

She moves her hand up to just behind my ear and I start to rumble.

I freeze. I haven’t rumbled in a long time. I kinda thought I stopped being able to. I haven’t rumbled since I lived in the group home and that was when my friend 0599 would play with my fur. She would move her hand up and down my arm, standing it up and smoothing it down. She thought it was cool. But I haven’t seen her in a long time, and I kinda thought I grew out of rumbling.

I slowly scoot out from under Adora’s hand. She makes this quiet, sad noise, like a whimper or whine, and pulls her hand back to her chest. She looks kind of afraid but also sad.

I climb into her lap.

She gasps really quietly and slowly lowers her hand back to my hair.

I push up into her hand and she starts scratching again.

We’re both quiet for a little while, except my rumbling which seems to make her really happy. I lean into her, turning on my side and resting my head on her chest. She wraps an arm around me and continues to scratch my head, neck, and upper back.

After a little while I remember the question I had, and even though the ring thingy on my finger answered it, I do have more I don’t understand.

“’Dora?” I sigh, rubbing at my tired eyes. “Can I ask you a question?”

She moves her hand to slowly rub up and down my back. “Depends. Can I ask you a question?”

I nod and look up at her. She took her hair out of the ponytail it was in before. She looks even more like me now, but also calmer. I wonder if I have anything to do with that.

“Can I go first?” I mutter, and without even thinking I wrap my tail around her wrist. I need her to stop making me rumble.

She stops rubbing my back. “Okay,” she huffs, “hit me. I can… definitely handle it.”

I lean back against her chest. “Why are you and Catra dating? Shouldn’t you be married?”

She swallows really loudly, and her face gets red. “We…” she closes her eyes. “We are married. But, you know, after you, um… disappeared?” She looks down at me and I shrug. I don’t know what happened either. She sighs and rubs her forehead. “Anyway, after that, things got complicated.”

I scrunch my nose. “How complicated?”

She sighs again and shrugs. “Pretty complicated.” She squeezes me tight. “I was an idiot.”

I rub my cheek against her chest.

She scoffs. “But it wasn’t only my fault. I mean… probably mostly.” She sighs. “Things were hard and Catra and I were trying to figure out if we should still be married anymore.”

I feel a little drop of water fall on my head.

I lean away from Adora and look at her face. She’s crying, so I reach up and put a hand on her cheek.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

She laughs and shakes her head, wiping the water off her face. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. Mama and I are the ones who hurt each other.” She sighs, “And apparently I’m still hurting.”

I nod. “But you’re dating? What does that mean?”

She smiles. Kinda. It still looks sad though. “That means that we’re trying to fix things. We’re talking more, and spending time together.”

I tip my head to the side. “Have you kissed her yet?” I know that’s an important part of stitching. Kissing. And I know that’s how you know it’s getting serious.

Adora’s lips are closed but she’s still smiling, and it kinda looks… it reminds me of me. “Think you’re a little young to be asking about that.”

I frown, but it probably looks like a pout. “I’m… nine?”

Adora gives me a silent nod and I beam.

I’m nine.

“I’m nine!”

She laughs at me and scratches my ears again. “You’re pretty short for a nine-year-old…”

I laugh as she ruffles my hair. “That’s not my fault.”

She laughs too. “No, I guess not.” She looks at me with those eyes again, the ones that mean she loves me. “It’s probably your mama’s.”

I’m about to ask her if Catra’s short but she kinda just said it. And the look on her face has changed a little and she looks sad.

“It’s okay, ya know?” I mutter. “That you and Mama are figuring it out. You still love her right?”

She nods and her eyes get shiny. “So much.”

I smile and lean into her again. “Then we’ll figure it out. And I’ll help!”

She wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight.

For a second I remember lying on my back in one of the alleyways behind the market in Sunchoke. I remember being cold, and lonely, and thinking about my friends from the Home. I didn’t even think to dream of a mother. Now I have two. And one of them is holding me like she never wants to let go. I kinda don’t want her to.

“Can I ask my question now?” She whispers. She sounds kinda scared but she’s still holding me so maybe that’s helping? I don’t know. But Adora seems to love me a whole lot.

I nod and rub my cheek over her heart again. I can hear it beating. I press my ear against her shirt. It’s a comforting and slow rhythm.

“It’s really three questions, actually.” She kinda laughs, but it’s nervous.

“Okay,” I sigh and close my eyes.

“Can I call you Finn?”

I lift my head and cock it to the side. “I thought you already were?”

She shrugs. “Kinda, but I wanted to make sure it was okay. I don’t know what you were called on Raptca,” she almost says it perfect this time, “And that’s what you’ve been going by—”

“0515,” I say, and her eyes get big. “I didn’t have a name. Just a number.”

She bites her lip. “Finn it is.”

“What’s the other questions?”

“Well… this is kinda the same question twice but… do you wanna call me mom? That—that’s what we always planned when you were a baby. Mom for me, and mama for Catra. Before you—” she swallows and starts rubbing my back again, “You could almost say ‘mama’, and you did say ‘mom’ once, even if Catra doesn’t believe me.”

I smile. “Well I can say both now! Well… maybe.” I hold up my finger and twist my ring. Adora’s eyebrows wrinkle. I point at her ring. “You have to turn yours off too. Then say it again.”

She smiles a little and twists the ring on her finger.

I realize after the ring is off that it’s been letting off a quiet little hum this entire time and now that they’re off everything is quiet.

I pat my chest. “Finn,” I say, and I try to memorize the way it feels in my mouth. “Finn.”

Adora nods and pats her chest like I did. “Mom,” she says, and I hear the word clearly for the first time. I like it, it feels solid but also soft.

I pat her arm. “Mom.”

She smiles so big I think her teeth are gonna break.

I point to one of the pictures on the other side of the room. “Catra?” I say, hoping that her name is pronounced the same in lizardfolk as it is in Etherian.

Adora nods. “Mama.”

I like this word too. It’s a lot like the other one, but maybe a little sweeter and softer. I wonder if Catra’s like that – sweet and soft. I already know Adora is strong.

“Mama,” I repeat and Adora’s eyes get shiny again.

Adora is really sad, but also really happy, and I kinda know how that feels. It’s like when I saw the blanket and thought about the night sky in the Crimson Desert. I’m happy to be here, so happy, but I think I miss something I used to have.

I think Adora might feel that way too. Happy that I’m here, and sad Catra isn’t. It must be a lot to feel all of that. But she’s doing it, and she’s taking care of me.

I wrap my arms around her neck, and I say two words in lizardfolk I’ve never practiced, or thought I’d have a reason to say.

“Greck fernic, Mom.”

She laughs but squeezes me tighter. She mutters something in Etherian and rubs up my back. She kisses the side of my head and takes a deep breath.

And even though I don’t understand the words, I know they’re important when she says, “I love you too, Finn.”

Chapter Text

For a little while Mom and I just lay on the bed and she holds me. I think she falls asleep for a minute. I do. And it’s nice. Like, the kind of nice I used to feel drinking rainwater I’d catch in my tin bucket the morning after a storm. I feel safe and better, like I don’t have to be scared anymore. Maybe being held by your mom is supposed to feel like this. Or maybe my mom is just special.

She starts to rub my back again and that’s when I know she’s awake. I lift my head and smile at her.

“Morning!” I chirp and she laughs.

“Finn, it’s like 8 o’clock at night.” And just like that the color drains out of her face. “Shit.” She lifts me from her lap and I yelp. She sets me back down on the bed and pats my head. Then she turns and starts messing with her hair.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit.”

I wrinkle my brow and turn to hang over the edge of the bed. Mom is pacing, brushing her hair with her fingers and trying to put it back in the ponytail.

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?” I ask, and she stops walking.

She closes her eyes and smiles just a little. “No, um… it’s a curse word. Which, I probably shouldn’t be saying in front of my nine year old! Great. This motherhood thing is off to a wonderful start!”

I snicker. “Why are you cursing so much?” I feel my stomach drop and I hop off the edge of the bed. I run in front of her and she stops and grabs me by the shoulders. I cover her hands with my own and hold on tight. “Do you have to leave?”

She laughs, and it sounds… well it’s not a good laugh. “No, I’m not leaving Finn. I wouldn’t leave you if the universe depended on it.”

A warm tingle goes through my arms.

“But, I have to make a decision. And I have like two—” A ringing sounds through the room, a gentle little trill that’s kinda musical, but not really. “Actually no minutes left.” She straightens, taking one hand off my shoulder and biting down on the thumbnail. “Shit, shit, shit…”

I can’t help it. I giggle. “Shit, shit, shit,” I repeat in the same little melody she’d said it in. She glances at me and snorts. I know it’s supposed to be a laugh, because sometimes I laugh like that too.

“Wait!” She drops down to her knees in front of me and the ringing continues. It’s kinda getting annoying. It’s just the same four notes over and over again. “Finn,” I meet her eyes and they look like they hurt. “Do… do you wanna meet your mama?”

My eyebrows shoot up my forehead. “Meet my—I thought she—” My words are tripping over themselves as I speak. “How are—”

“Yes,” Adora nods. It’s funny that she understands me when I’m not saying anything. “She won’t be back for a few days—”

“Six days, eight hours, and twelve minutes,” I repeat furrowing my brow. That’s a long time. I think anyway. When I still had lessons in the Home they taught us different planets have different lengths of days. I wonder how long a Floulite day is…

Mom nods again, and then she huffs. I think the annoying sound is getting to her too. “Darla?” she shouts, and finally the bad music stops. There’s a quiet little beep.

“Yes, Adora?”

My eyes go wide and I look around the room. I don’t see anyone else… It must be one of those home interfaces that really rich people supposedly had on the edges of the Crimson Desert, in the cities of metal and not sand…

“Send Catra a message – ‘I’ll call you back in five minutes.’”

The voice comes back. “Message sent. Anything else, Adora?”

“No,” she shakes her head. I wonder if the interface can see her too. “Finn,” she whispers and grips my shoulders tight. “Every night at eight I have a video call with Catra.” She smiles a little, like something is funny in a sad way. “It’s part of the whole ‘dating’ stuff. But if you want, you can sit in on the video call with me. You can meet her.”

I bite my lip. Something rolls in my stomach and I start to play with my fingers. “Um… she wouldn’t be here though?”

Mom sighs and brushes my cheek with her thumb. “Not really. Not for another six days. But that’s okay too. If you want we can wait and you can meet her when she’s back.”

I nod and glance at the giant screen across from the bed. “Is she gonna be on that?”

Mom shakes her head. “Well, actually, she could be. I usually take her calls on my trackerpad, but if you want we can use the viewscreen.”

I scrunch my nose and cock my head. “But you didn’t want me to meet her yet…” Adora’s breath catches. “Why not?”

She bites her lip and glances at a clock on the wall. “I think Mama will be really happy you’re here. But I also think she’ll be really sad that she’s not here. I think it could make the rest of her trip… hard.”

“Oh.” I purse my lips and tap them with the tip of my claw. I think about the moment I saw Adora in person for the first time. How she looked so amazed and started crying. I think about how I got to hug her right then and how she got to hug me.

I can’t hug Catra on a viewscreen.

“Can… can I wait?”

Mom drops her head to my chest. “Yes, yes you can wait.” She lifts her head back up and her eyes are pinched looking. “But if you change your mind, at any time, just let me know and you can join in on the call. Tonight or any night before she gets back.” She ruffles her hand through my hair. “Okay?”

I nod. “Okay.”

She stands back up and grabs my hand. She holds it tight. “Okay, do—do you wanna see your room?”

I cock my head. “You still have my room?”

Adora smiles but it’s sad. She reaches down and picks me up again. “We never changed it.” She squeezes me and walks through the door. “I think because we never gave up.”

I frown. “Gave up on what?”

“You.”

I wake up to the sound of the door opening. Or I think that’s it. It’s so quiet, but when I lift my head Mom is peaking into the room and almost smiling.

“Sorry,” she whispers, but she pushes the door open and walks in. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

I sit up and rub my eyes. “It’s okay.”

She walks towards me and sits down with her legs crossed on the floor. She smiles. “I didn’t mean to take so long.”

I cock my head and then, without warning her, I jump off the bed and into her lap.

She makes a noise, kinda like a quiet grunt, but then she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her chest.

I nuzzle against her and press my ear against the silky fabric of her shirt. I listen for her heart.

I used to do this with my friends sometimes. We would gather together and hold each other and sleep on the really cold desert nights. It was always my favorite. I like being held, and I liked when 0599 would brush my fur… It felt like being cared for. 

I feel mom rub her face in my hair. She laughs. “You smell like sand.”

I lift my head and she puts a hand to my cheek. “Is that bad?” I whisper.

She shakes her head and rubs little circles in the fur on my face. “Of course not.” She scratches a little just under my ear and I feel like I want to rumble. “It’s just funny.”

It’s the way she says that, I think, that keeps me from rumbling. “Why?”

She sighs, but she keeps scratching. It’s not hard, she’s very gentle, as gentle as 0599 used to be.

“Your mama hates the way sand feels in her fur, and I just realized you’ve probably always had sand in your fur.”

I frown and all the rumble and shivery stuff stop. My chest hurts now, and my head feels too heavy to lift. “Is…” it’s even hard to talk, “is Mama gonna like me?”

“What?” Mom’s fingers are on my chin now and she lifts my head for me. She looks upset, but I don’t know why. “Of course! Mama’s gonna love you. Why would you ask that?”

I shrug. “She doesn’t like how I smell.”

Mom frowns but she’s not upset anymore. It’s kind of a smiley frown. “That’s not what I meant. And…” she brushes her fingers through my mane, “how you smell will never stop me or your mama from loving you.”

I swallow. “Promise?”

For a second she doesn’t move, and her eyes get shiny. I wonder if I’ve done something wrong, like said a bad word or scared her. But I don’t even know the Etherian word for “promise,” and I don’t know why it would be bad.

But finally, she leans down and puts her forehead against mine. “I promise.”

A little bit later, after she asks me questions about my old friends and the time I lived in the home, I take a bath. I haven’t taken a bath in a very long time and the water gets brown, so Mom keeps letting it go down the drain and refilling the tub. She scrubs my fur with soaps she says are special, stuff that Mama uses, and then sprays me off with a “showerhead”.

Eventually we’re done and she’s putting me in one of Mama’s shirts. It’s big on me, like a dress, and Mom says it’s even big on Mama. But she also says that’s the point.

We leave the bathroom and I start walking to my bedroom. I like my room, and my favorite bit is the stars on the ceiling. They aren’t real, they’re made of some polymer I think, but when it’s dark they glow which is almost like real stars.

I don’t think we can see real stars from here underground, so I’ll take what I can get.

Mom tugs on my hand and we stop walking.

“What?” I ask, now anxious to get back to my room and my stars.

But Mom’s biting her lip. “Would you want to sleep in my room tonight?”

I hesitate. My room is so nice. I have my own bed, and yeah it’s kinda small and Mom had to take off one of the sides so I could get it, but it’s mine and Mom put so many pillows in it. And I have a bunch of toys, which Mom apologized for because apparently they’re all baby toys, but I’ve never had my own before. And I have the stars…

But Mom’s room has Mom.

I smile and start to tug Mom towards her bedroom. She laughs and it’s pretty quiet, then she picks me up and holds me like I’m a baby. She kisses all over my face and I try really hard not to laugh.

I don’t tell her I’m not a baby. She knows. But I think maybe holding me like one makes her miss me less.

I can tell she still misses me. Every once in a while, her smile will kinda slip off her face and she’ll look at me like she’s about to cry.

I never even dreamed of having a mother. I never thought I had any family at all. I was lonely, especially when I moved to Sunchoke, but I wasn’t sitting up at night wishing for someone and thinking about how life would be with them there. I was just watching the stars.

But it wasn’t like that for Mom and Mama. And I think that makes her sad sometimes.

I wonder if I’ll be able to be everything Mom dreamed I would be.

As I curl up on her chest and let her wrap her arms around me I ask.

“Mom, do you like me as much as you thought you would?”

My eyes are closed but I feel her breathing stop and start underneath me. I keep them closed and wait.

Her fingers brush through my mane and she says, like she’s trying to talk but has a lot of aloe vera goo in her throat, “So much more than that, Finn. I like you so much.”

I smile and start to rumble.

“I like you too Mom.”

The next few days are really nice. Mom teaches me how to use most of my toys and talk to the home interface – Darla. She reads me books and shows me how to pronounce and spell Etherian words. She asks me to teach her lizardfolk words and makes funny faces when she tries to say them. We go out to restaurants and go for walks. Sometimes Glimmer comes with us, and I get to meet her husband. His name is Bow and he’s very kind. He’s also very fun to play with.

But today Mom took me to a park and there are other kids playing with a ball in this clearing.

I haven’t seen that many kids around here, and the ones that I have seen have always been busy with their parents. I know better than to bother them then. But these ones are kicking a ball and running after it. I’m good at that.

I look at Mom and she just smiles and nods.

I run down the hill and when I reach the one holding the ball I smile.

She looks at me like I’m an alien.

I don’t know if I am, but I realize that I haven’t seen many other Magicats here either.

I stop smiling. “Oh. Um… hi.”

The girl lowers her arms. I think she was about to throw the ball. “Hi.”

I drop my head. I feel sick now. I knew most of the kids in Sunchoke, and all of them at the Home. I try to remember how I got them to let me play skinball, but all I remember is watching and then being passed the ball.

I don’t even know what to say now, so I turn to walk back to Mom.

“Wait!” Another kid runs up. He looks a lot like the girl, but her fur is gray and his is brown. They don’t look like Magicats. Their eyes look like they’re sideways and they have tiny little horns. I realize that they’re like the goat people I’ve seen, just, young.  

“Do you wanna play?” he asks, and he’s smiling. I look back at the girl and the other kids who were playing.

One girl looks like Mom but her hair is brown and she’s wearing a lot of flowy fabric. Another kid has horns that are a lot longer that the other two that curve, and the last boy has purple skin and pink hair.

“I don’t know how,” I whisper, but before I can turn away again, the goat girl is putting her hand on my shoulder.

“That’s okay,” she finally smiles. It’s a pretty smile. “We’ll teach you. What’s your name?”

I smile. “I’m Finn.”

I spend the rest of the afternoon learning the ins and outs of kick-it. It’s a lot like skinball, but scoring is a lot harder and more important.

I’m still pretty good though.

Every once in a while, I check on Mom. She’s just sitting on the hill, watching us. She waves when I look at her and I always wave back.

When the lights in the roof of the cave start to dim the kids start picking up their stuff. They ask me for my “pad ID.” I don’t really know what that is, but Mom does. She helps me tell the other kids and I reach up to hold her hand.

The boy with brown fur, I think his name is Billie, asks me if I’m a refugee.

“I was,” I say, standing a little taller, “but now I’m Finn.”

Mom and I walk home, and she asks me if I had fun. She asks me a lot of questions, like, “Do you like the food?” or “Are you comfortable?” I think some people would get annoyed, but it makes me feel special.

When we get home Mom starts to take off her shoes when the ringing starts.

Usually when the ringing starts I run into my room and play with my toys until Mom and Mama are done talking.

But today, when I step away, Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. “Finn, wait.”

I lift my head, but mom kneels down in front of me. “Darla – send Catra a message. ‘I’ll call you in a few minutes. Sorry.’”

“Finn,” she doesn’t even wait for Darla to tell her the message sent. “Do you want to talk to Mama?”

I frown. “I thought you said—”

She closes her eyes and nods. “Yeah, I did. But forget what I said. What do you want?”

I bite my lip. “But Mama—”

“Sweetheart, your mama will be so happy you’re home. She’ll be fine. But what do you want?”

I start to pick at my claws. “She comes home tomorrow, right?”

Mom nods. “She’ll be home by dinnertime.”

I nod slowly. I try to think hard about it and consider my options. I try to come up with reasons I should or shouldn’t do it, but all I have is this feeling in my stomach. “I want to wait.”

“You’re sure?” Her face twists like she hurts. “You’re not just doing this for me?”

I stand a little straighter. “I’m sure.”

She sighs and brushes the hair out of my eyes. “Okay.”

“Why…” I stick out my lip, “did you change your mind?”

She takes a deep breath. “I’m worried I was being selfish.”

“How?”

She smiles, but it’s sad. I don’t think I knew smiles could be sad before I met Mom. “That’s hard to explain…”

I sigh and reach out to pat her cheek. “We can talk about it later.”

Her smile isn’t sad anymore. “I promise,” she whispers, grabbing my hand and giving it a kiss.

I smile back.

A few minutes later I’m in my room, lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling stars. I’ve turned off the light and I’m about to ask Darla to play some music like Mom showed me when my ear twitches at a sound.

Someone’s talking. And it’s not mom.

I climb out of bed and, as quiet as I can, walk to the door and crack it open.

“—so important you miss my scheduled call? Again.”

My chest aches and I immediately recognize the voice. Mama.

“Work?” Mom says. She doesn’t sound normal though. Her voice is too wobbly. She’s lying.  

“Really? ‘Cause Entrapta says you haven’t been in all week.”

It’s quiet for a second and I wonder if maybe Mama hung up.

“You spoke to Entrapta?”

“Yup.” Mama’s voice sounds different now too. Like the words are shorter. “And Glimmer.”

It gets quiet again, but I know better this time. “What else did they say?” Mom whispers.

Mama grunts. “Nothing. But I know something is going on Adora. And you’re lying about it.”

Mom laughs. Kinda. It’s not a good laugh and it’s very quick. “Does it really count as lying when I’m so bad at it?”

“Yes.” It gets quiet again and it’s long enough for me to realize something I should’ve realized immediately. I’m the secret. Mom is lying for me.

And it’s making Mama mad.

“Adora, if you can’t be honest with me, I don’t know how—”

“No.” Mom’s voice is hard, like some of the mothers in Sunchoke would get when they told their kids to stop playing with me. “Don’t—don’t say that.”

“Adora—”

I almost open the door.

But Mom starts talking again and I wait. “We’re gonna figure this out Catra.” Mom’s voice sounds like she’s got aloe vera in her throat again. “We have to.”

It’s quiet, longer than all the other times, and when Mama speaks her throat is full too. “Why?”

“What—why? Because Catra I—” Mom stops and I imagine she’s doing that thing where she grabs her head. “I don’t want to lose you!”

“Really?” It doesn’t sound like a question. “You’re not just doing this to… appease me?”

I could’ve heard a grain of sand fall.

“Catra, how could you think that?”

I crack the door open just a little further.

“You weren’t exactly breaking down my door to fix things. I’m the one who asked you to try dating, or whatever it is we’re doing. And you have that whole…” Mama sighs, “people pleasing problem. Now you’re keeping secrets and Glimmer’s calling me to tell me you’ve been ‘busy’. What am I supposed to think.”

Mama sounds angry.

“Wait, what? I wasn’t breaking down your door?” She scoffs. “I never wanted a separation, Catra. That was your idea.”

Mom sounds mad too.

I think again about going out there. Maybe I could stop them fighting. Maybe if Mama knew I was the secret she’d be okay…

“Ha!” Another bad laugh, but this time it’s Mama. “Really?”

“Yes!”

“Forgive me for thinking that was what you were asking for when you said, ‘Maybe we make each other worse.’”

“I did not say that!” Mom almost yells and I decide I shouldn’t go out there. Maybe I shouldn’t even be listening to this.

“You may as well have!” Mama’s voice is loud, but it breaks and I wonder if she’s leaking. Sometimes my voice cracks when I leak—cry.

It’s quiet again.

“Catra—”

“You didn’t even fight me on it,” Mama whispers, and now I’m sure she’s crying. “You just let me leave.”

Mom sighs. “I’ve never been good at changing your mind.”

“You’re the only one who ever could.”

It gets quiet again and I wonder if Mama hung up. I don’t think Mom would. I don’t know why I think that though.

“I’m sorry, Catra. I can’t tell you what I’ve been doing all week but it’s going to be worth it. Please, just… trust me.”

I hear Mama swallow. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay.” Mama sighs, loudly.

“Can you come here right after you land?” Mom asks, and she sounds shy.

Mama scoffs. “Seriously, Adora? I haven’t had a real shower in—”

“Please?”

Mama groans. “Fine.” There’s a second of quiet, and I wonder if all their conversations are this tense. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh… see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Adora.”

“Goodnight.”

I hear a quiet beep and I realize that must be the sound that means someone hung up. I go to close the door and sneak back into bed when I hear something else. There’s a loud thud, and an even louder gasp.

I think Mom fell. 

I don’t even think, I run out into the living room.

Mom’s on the ground on her knees, but her head is face down and her hands are clenched in fists. I watch quietly as she pounds the ground and her shoulders start to shake. My ears twitch and I realize she’s crying.

She’s crying hard.

“Mom?” I whisper. I walk towards her with my hand out. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it – pat her on the head or rub her shoulders – but before I can she lifts her head.

Yeah, she’s crying.

“Oh!” she unclenches her fists and tries to use her sleeves to wipe the tears off her face. “Finn, I didn’t know you were…” her brows squish together and she frowns. “How long were you out here?”

I glance back at my open door. “I heard you fall.”

She closes her eyes. “What else did you hear?”

I glance down at the ground and curl my toes. “Nothing.”

She sighs. “Don’t lie to me, please. I’m not gonna get mad, I just want to know.”

I nod and lift my head. “I heard you and Mama talking.”

She grimaces. “You mean arguing.”

I look back at the ground.

Sometimes the adults who ran the home would get angry with each other, and they’d yell and get really loud. Mama and Mom weren’t that loud, but I couldn’t deny they were arguing.

“Yeah,” I whisper and she sighs again.

“Will you look at me? Please?”

I lift my head and Mom looks so sad. She’s sitting up now, but she moves to sit with her legs crossed. Slowly she opens her arms and I realize she’s inviting me to sit in her lap.

I do. Immediately.

She wraps her arms around me tight. “I’m sorry you heard that, Finn. You didn’t deserve that.”

I nuzzle into her shoulder. “What do you mean?”

Mom’s quiet for a second, fiddling with my fingers. “You shouldn’t have to worry about whether your mothers get along. That’s not your job.”

I think about that for a second. “You love Mama though, right?”

Mom’s head hits the top of mine when she nods. “So much.”

I bite my lip. “I don’t think she knows that.”

Mom laughs, but it’s sad. “I don’t know how…”

I wrap my pinky around Mom’s. “Do you tell her? Like you tell me?

Mom sighs. “No… not in a long time.”

“Why not?”

She shrugs. “I think—I thought she wasn’t ready to hear it. I thought she’d maybe never want to hear it.”

“Why?”

“I—I don’t know. I just got… scared.”

I nod and pull Mom’s hand to my chest. “I think you should tell her.”

“Yeah?”

I nod again. “When I was living in Sunchoke sometimes I had to ask people for food. Or money for food. And it was scary. I was worried they’d kick at me, or yell, or throw stuff. And sometimes they did, but a lot of the time they’d give me something.” I pick at Mom’s fingernails and trace the edges with the tip of my claw. “Being scared is okay, but you still gotta do things.”

Mom’s arms got tighter around me, like she wanted to push me inside her chest. “I’m so sorry, baby,” she whispers, and she sounds like she’s crying again. “That must’ve been so hard.”

I shrug. “I guess. But it’s okay.” I look up and rub my cheek against her chin. “Because I’m here now.”

She nods and kisses the top of my head. “You’re here. And you’ll never be alone again.” She takes a deep breath. “I love you, Finny. Always.”

I smile, and twist Mom’s ring. “Clak greck fernic.”

Chapter Text

I think Mom is trying to distract me. Or she’s trying to distract herself. I’m not sure. But I don’t mind. We’ve been playing a viewscreen game since breakfast. It’s really fun. We’re racing around in little ships and you get to pick a character to drive and change their outfit. But mom keeps losing, which doesn’t make sense. Since, ya know, I’ve never played before, and I keep falling off the track.

But I don’t know what to do about it, so I just keep playing.

Until we do a race that Mom doesn’t even finish.

I sigh and put down the controller. “Mom.” She looks away from the viewscreen, but she doesn’t really look at me. It’s like she’s looking through.

I wave my hand in between us and that sort of helps. She blinks and when she looks at me this time, she tries to smile. “What’s up, Finn?”

I drop my arm and sigh. “You’re thinking about Mama.”

Her shoulders fall and she sighs. “I… ugh. I’m so bad at this.”

I frown. “At the game? Yeah, you kinda—”

“No, I’m—not—I’m bad at,” she waves her arm between us, “this. All I’ve wanted, for the last ten years, was to be your mom and I’m bad at it.” She puts her head in her hand. “I can’t—I just—” she kinda growls. “I don’t know what I’m doing!”

I thwap my tail on the couch and just watch her for a second. I think she’s about to start crying. “I think you’re doing a good job,” I whisper.

She closes her eyes and swears, but very quietly. Before she can say anything else I lean forward and put a hand on her knee.

“It’s okay,” I say, digging my claws in a little harder than I mean to. “Are you still scared?”

She nods but keeps her eyes closed.

I scoot closer to her. “I am too.”

She blinks a few times, then sniffs and laughs quietly. “Yeah?”

I nod. Her eyes are shiny and there are two little trails of water down her cheeks.

“What are you scared of?” she asks, and she’s basically whispering.

My shoulders slump and I scoot a little bit closer. “I’m scared Mama won’t like me.” Mom opens her mouth but I don’t give her time to talk. “I know you said she will, but you can’t know that.”

Mom frowns and reaches out for me. She wraps an arm around my back and pulls me close. I lean into her side.

“It’s okay, baby,” she kisses the top of my head. “You can be scared.”

I nod and my head rubs against the spot just over her heart. “But I gotta do it still.”

She laughs and I smile a little. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

We keep playing the game for a little while. Then Mom pulls out a different game. It’s played on a different console, and she says it’s a lot older but that it’s still good. It’s a game where you pretend to be traveling musicians and you play on fake instruments. We’re playing on these big, weird, lute shaped things that don’t have strings and I’m not very good. But mom sets up something that looks a little bit like the drums people would play in the square on Raptca and tells me she has a feeling I’ll be good at that. She shows me how it’s done for a minute and then gives me the sticks and we start a new song.

She was right. I’m good at the drums.

We’re in the middle of a song, a loud one where I have to hit the same drum pad over and over really fast, and the game just pauses. 

“Mo—”

A picture pops up onto the view screen. It’s a video actually. It’s the front porch and Catra is standing right in front of the camera.  

She’s chewing on her lip and kinda rocking. “Adora?”

I freeze. You can hear her through the video, but now that the game is paused you can also hear her behind the door. I turn in my seat and look up at Mom. She’s standing super still.

I get up and hurry over to her side. I tug on her sleeve, and she looks down at me.

“What should I do?” I whisper.

“Adora!” Catra’s louder this time and I tighten my grip on Mom’s sleeve.

“Do you want to wait in the kitchen? Or the bedroom?”

I think, but only for a second, and nod. I squeeze her hand and run to her bedroom door. I open it quickly, and just before I slip inside and out of sight, Mom says my name.

I turn and she smiles at me.

“Come out when you’re ready.”

I nod. Mom starts walking to the front door and I go to close her bedroom door behind me. But I stop. I don’t want to close the door. Not all the way. So I reach for the light, turn it off, and leave the door cracked just enough that I can see out into the living room.

But Mama won’t be able to see me. Not until I’m ready.

I listen and after a little huff I can hear a click as Mom opens the door.

“Hey, Catra.”

“Hey, Adora.”

My fur fluffs up a little and my tail flicks back and forth. I grab it and pull it to my chest.

“So,” I hear Catra say, and I also hear the thump of her feet hitting the floor as she walks towards the living room, “what was so important I couldn’t even go home after my three weeklong space-cation?”

I hear another thump thump as Mom catches up with her. “A few things actually.”

Cat—Mama takes another two steps and she’s right at the edge of the living room, right where I can see her. My tail stiffens and I clutch it tighter. She turns, crosses her arms, and frowns. “A few things being?”

It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her in person, and it makes my heartbeat really loud.

She’s pretty. She looks annoyed, probably at Mom, but she’s still pretty. I wonder if all kids think that about their mothers. I think Adora is pretty too. But I look like Catra in a way that’s different than how I look like Adora. We both have tails, and ears, and now that I use the bathroom every day and can see my eyes in the mirror, I realize that my eyes are blue, but not Adora’s blue. They’re the blue of one of Mama’s eyes. And that makes this different.

I also know she’s my mother. I didn’t know that when I met Adora and the idea that I belonged to anyone like that scared me. But it’s not like that anymore. I want Catra to call me “baby” like Mom does. I want to belong to a family.

Mom steps forward and I can see her too. She reaches out and takes Mama’s hand. She pulls it out and holds it against her chest. “I—well—the first thing…” She lifts her head.

Mama’s looking at her with big eyes, like she’s surprised.

I can’t really see the look on Mom’s face, but I have an idea of what it looks like.

She puts her other hand on Mama’s cheek and kisses her.

I don’t know anything about mouth kissing. Lizardfolk mouth kiss, but it looks different than this, and I’ve only seen that a couple of times. But the way Mom has her hand on Mama’s cheek, and how both Mama’s eyes kinda just closed… It makes my heart warm.

After a few seconds, Mom pulls away, but she doesn’t take her hand off Mama’s cheek. “I love you, Catra.”

“You—” Mama’s eyes get wider than they were before. “You do?” she whispers.

Mom leans forward and presses their foreheads together. “Of course. I’m sorry I ever let you doubt that.”

Mama’s eyes are shiny, and I think she’s about to cry. She laughs a little, but it kinda sounds like she’s choking. “Gah! Adora… you’re such an idiot.”

Mom lifts her head. “I—”

Mama grabs Mom’s chin and shakes her head. “I have been waiting to hear that for three years.”

Mom’s shoulders slump a little. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a moment where no one says anything and they kinda just look at each other. It’s like they’re looking for answers on each other’s faces. I wonder if they find them.

“Can I stay the night?” Mama asks, so quiet I barely hear it.

Mom moves, wrapping her arms around Mama like she wants to push her into her chest so she can never leave. “That depends.”

“On?” Mama asks, but she’s smiling a little.

 “A couple things.” Mom presses their foreheads together again. “Like… how do you feel about me?”

Mama smiles and it’s big and bright. “I love you, dummy. I always have and I never dreamed of stopping.”

Mom kisses her again. This time it’s different – it’s like they’re welded together. When Mama pulls away she doesn’t really pull away. She kisses Mom’s cheek, and then her forehead, and then her other cheek. “What’s the other thing?”

Mom gets kinda stiff and I finally see her eyes again when she glances back at me. I don’t think she can see me. It’s too dark. But she knows I’m here.

“I kind of have a guest.”

Mama stiffens now too. “Oh.” She says and her eyebrows wrinkle. “Who?”

“Someone I want you to meet.” Mom rubs up and down Mama’s back. “I think—”

“Adora,” Mama rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t look upset. Just maybe a little annoyed. “I haven’t had a real shower in weeks and I’m not really in the mood—”

Mom reaches up and puts her hand on Mama’s cheek. “I know. But this is important.” She pauses and gives Mama a little kiss on her forehead. “Trust me.”

Mama takes a deep breath and leans into Mom. “Fine. Who is this mystery person?” She looks up and takes in the room. “And where are they?”

I feel like my whole body is buzzing, like maybe I got struck by lightning but it hasn’t stopped. My claws dig into my hands because I’m clenching them into fists around my tail, and I’m shaking a little.

Mom said to come out when I was ready. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. What does ready even mean?

Mom laughs and it’s weird, but it makes me feel better. I look at her again, and she turns a little. I can see her smile and the shininess of her eyes. “Catra…” she whispers, and blinks again and again. “I—” she shakes her head. “It’s amazing. They’re amazing. And you’re amazing.” She leans forward and squeezes Mama tight. “I—I got my family back.”

Mama makes a face but reaches up and starts to brush through Mom’s hair. “Adora, what are you talking about?”

I swallow, and something fills my chest all the way to my throat.

I don’t want to hide in this bedroom anymore. I don’t want to just watch Mom hug Mama and cry. I don’t want to live in dark places and be nameless.

I want to be Finn. I want to play kick-it in the park and go home when the ceiling gets dark. I want to go to restaurants, and play view screen games, and get to know Glimmer and Entrapta and Bow. I want to laugh and leak because I’m happy. I want to hug Mom and Mama. I want to be a part of a family.

And I’m scared. But it’s okay that I’m scared. Because I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m gonna be Finn.

I push the door open and step out from the dark.

The door squeaks just a little and before I can even say anything, Mama is looking at me.

She stops brushing through Mom’s hair and her eyes get wide. Mom lifts her head and looks back at me. She smiles so big, and it makes me feel even braver.

Mom already loves me. She said so. And that’s more than I thought I’d ever have.

And Mama’s gonna love me too.

“Hi,” I whisper, and I wave a little. “I’m, uh, well…” I huff out a breath. She’s still just staring at me and I didn’t realize how hard this was gonna be to explain. “I was 0515 but that was at the Home. And the Home was destroyed when the Horde showed up. But then I was in Sunchoke and no one called me anything. Which was fine. The wing lady – Videa – thought it was sad though. But then Glimmer found me and she took me to—” I pause, “Adora… and Adora said that my name is Finn. And she said that I should call her Mom. And that I should call you Mama.”

I take a deep breath and she’s still staring.

“Uh…” I glance at Adora, “Mom?”

She’s moved a little and Catra’s at her side now. “Just… one sec, baby. I think—”

Catra falls to her knees.

“Catra!”

“Mama!”

I run to her and kneel down in front of her. For a second I think she’s choking. She’s not though. She’s crying. She’s grabbing her hair with one hand and crying really hard.

Mom’s kneeling next to her now. She’s holding her hand and kissing the top of her head. “Shhh, it’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

Slowly I reach out and put my hand on Mama’s arm. I’m shaking kinda, but she looks at me and there’s a little hiccup in her crying.

She lets go of her hair and, just like I had, slowly reaches out for me. She gently wraps her fingers around my wrist then gives it a squeeze.

“You’re real…” she whispers. “You’re really here…”

I smile a little. I don’t know why but I feel brave again. I scoot towards her on, the carpet rubbing the fur on my knees funny.

We’re so close now that our knees are touching. I smile at her, and still moving slow, wrap my arms around her and lay my head on her chest.

“Hi, Mama.”

For a second, it’s quiet, and she’s not even crying anymore. Then she wraps her arms tight around me and presses her faces into my shoulder.

“Hey, baby… my baby.”

We talk for a long time. Mama has so many questions, even more than Mom did. She asks questions about a lot, but I feel bad when she asks about how I ended up at the home. I know she wants to know what happened to me. Mom told me that she and Mama thought I was kidnapped, but they don’t know by who or why.

She asks me about other things though, like what I did for fun, and what my favorite food was. And I asked her questions. I asked Mom more questions too. I was curious but I also didn’t want her to feel left out.

I don’t think she would’ve though. She seemed really happy to just listen to me and Mama. We ended up cuddling on their bed, and then I fell asleep.

Sort of. I never sleep very deeply.

Mama is stroking my hair and her nails make it feel really good. I almost don’t realize that she’s started talking. But then she scoffs.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I’m actually kinda pissed about it.”

Mom sighs. “I knew you’d be mad, but I also knew that you’d be furious you were so far away. I figured I can handle your anger. I didn’t know if your crew could. Or you.”

Mama laughs. Sort of. “You sure you weren’t just getting back at me?”

“No. I would never do that, Catra. I almost told you every single day. But… in the end Finn decided they wanted to wait.”

“And now we’re letting nine-year-olds make these decisions?”

“They aren’t like any nine-year-old I’ve ever met.”

It’s quiet again and I almost fall back asleep.

“How… how did you react when you saw them again.”

Mom laughs, “I literally thought I was going to have a break down. In the middle of the OPS Center too.

Mama’s voice is so soft I barely hear it when she replies. “Really?”

“I ran across the room, nearly suffocated on my own tears, and scared the crap out of them. They literally climbed on Glimmer’s back and I thought I was gonna die.”

Quiet again.

“Why are you asking?”

Mama huffs. “I’m sorry, Adora. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I doubted you. After they… after it happened, I thought you didn’t care. You just threw yourself into work and the war and I thought maybe our family didn’t matter to you anymore. I thought maybe I didn’t matter anymore.”

“Catra—”

“I kept waiting for you to, like, have a break down. And I convinced myself that if that happened, I’d know. I know it was killing you that we lost our baby and that you missed me. But… that never happened.”

I think Mom’s gonna say something and I feel my ear twitch. But she doesn’t.

“Then that fight happened. And you said… what you said. After that I felt stupid for hoping. So I left…”

I feel extra weight on my head and I realize Mom must’ve put her hand on top of Mama’s.

“Catra, I am so sorry.”

Mama laughs, and it’s wet. “I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve—”

“I broke down all the time. There’s a closet in the OPS Center the staff started calling ‘Adora’s Closet’. Not in front of me, but in front of Entrapta which is basically the same thing.” Mama laughs. “But I didn’t want to scare you. You were hurting so much. I couldn’t add to that… But I did, didn’t I?”

I feel a drop of water hit my head.

“When I said… I didn’t mean what you think I meant. I shouldn’t have said it, at all, but I meant that… you have to put up with the very worst of me. And I hate that. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with that. But I was so safe with you, Catra, and I just… I wanted to be able to handle it. I don’t want to be weak.”

The hands on my head move.

“Adora, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

Mom laughs. “Okay, well, thanks—”

“I want you to feel safe with me. And sure, I have to “put up” with your worst, but it’s worth it.”

“How?” Mom whispers.

“Because I get the best of you, too.”

It gets quiet again and there’s a rustling on both sides of me, then a soft little sound and a sigh.

“I love you, Adora.”

“I love you, too,” Mom whispers.

The quiet stays this time, and I feel bodies move and push in closer to me. As I drift off to sleep I just think about how lucky I am. I have Mom. And Mama. And I get to play kick-it and viewscreen games. I get to go to restaurants with Glimmer and Bow. I get to live her and sleep in this bed with people who love me.

I get to be Finn.

And I don’t yearn for the stars anymore.