Archive of Our Own ^beta

i.

it's not how it would've normally gone, but it's what happens. he lives against all odds.

he doesn't believe it at first, but the warmth of his children in his arms is real enough to convince kenjirou that he is alive.

he manages to hold all four of them and they sob, and he's silent. they're a lump of tangled limbs and tears, and they hug for so long kenjirou feels like he is suffocating. he feels an overwhelming reluctance to be there, as well as a disgusting bitter taste inside his mouth the entire time they hold on to him.

they hold him so tight, like their dad would disappear again if they dared to let go. he doesn't think they'd be wrong to believe that.

he doesn't know what to do with himself.

ii.

things get really blurry when you talk about deserving. if we were talking on such religious terms, then none of this would've happened in the first place, because no one deserved this. none of his kids deserved their miseries. certainly, She didn't deserve to die, and he didn't deserve to lose Her.

it's really not about deserving something or not. doomed narrative or whatever the hell, things just happen.

he'd been a good son and a good person, a good father and husband too. the complexities that unraveled with time were out of his control, so they weren't his fault. what was his fault is how he chose to tackle them, evil snake or not.

so he can't stop thinking about deserving in moments like these. when ayano leans on his shoulder while they walk, locking their arms together and smiling.

she's never clung to him while walking. not as a teenager at least. he's not sure why she started doing it now. maybe her happiness to have him around is so immense it sent her back to when she was a child and they walked hand in hand everywhere. as a kid ayano always had gross clammy hands. he hated how it felt, but not more than he loved her, so he never let go.

but that was when ayano was a kid. ayano, being 18 years old, has no business holding her father's hand with those clammy hand of hers.

"c'mon, go walk with you friends," he tells her sternly. he tries to even it out with a smile when he notices the tone.

he lets go of her hand and gives her a soft pat on the back, like she could break if he touched her too roughly. ayano pouts a little.

"i want to walk with you though."

ayano's always been so earnest. she looks at him with her big eyes just like She used to. kenjirou has to look away.

if he had heard something like this a few years prior, he would've screamed in joy and hugged ayano so tight she'd be begging him to put her back down. maybe she'd even scream about how he's embarrassing her in front of her friends. nothing would've made him happier. now things are different.

"go walk with your friends," he says again, refusing to look at her reaction. seconds later she starts skipping and joins the group of kids walking a few steps ahead.

ayano jumps on shintaro's back. he screams, and haruka on his side gets startled and drops his cane. takane immediately trips on it. all four of them almost come crashing down. the rest is just as startled with the commotion and then everyone's laughing and looking back to wherever the hell ayano had just come from.

now zooming out of his corner, kenjirou is painfully aware of the crowd. the mekakushi dan, members from 0 to 10, that makes 11. plus a deadbeat dad, 12.

that's another problem, kenjirou thinks, when haruka and takane look back and lock eyes with him for a moment. it's just for a second and then they're back to dealing with ayano's apologies.

deserving. how could he ever deserve anything, after what he has done to them.

iii.

he wonders about deserving, when he finds Her in the warmth of the food they all eat together. tsubomi cooks.

kenjirou's never cooked. boiling water for noodles is as much as he can do. that has always been Her, and then it was ayano. she had some questionable skills at first, but as time went on without Her, ayano got better. older, and tidier. kenjirou realises now just how much he had put on ayano back then. she tried so hard to manage the house on her own, while he was locked in his office conjuring up atrocities he would've never thought of doing before.

despite profusely refusing her siblings' help, tsubomi kousuke and shuuya all did their parts with the chores. tsubomi wasn't allowed to cook until ayano was satisfied with her own ability, because she was keenly aware of tsubomi's advantage in the kitchen.

he's not sure who taught them how to cook but they were a natural. so who knows why tsubomi's asking him of all people if the stew they cooked tasted good.

"so? is it good?" tsubomi tries to act like they don't care. they do. in fact, they care about everything so much their eyes could pop out.

kenjirou supposes it's something along the lines of wanting to be praised. he thinks that might also be why kousuke starts listing every part-time job he's ever had, from paper boy to cashier to construction worker.

"it's really good tsubomi! are you thinking of going to culinary school? you should open your own restaurant or something!" kenjirou tells them. he's been forcing this upbeat attitude that used to come so naturally to him, because he knows that's what his kids want to see.

"i wouldn't go that far..."

tsubomi and kousuke have been working that hard ever since She left. he's just never been around enough to give them room to brag. he praises them because he knows that's what they want to hear, and because it's the least and at the same time the most he can do.

they try not to smile too wide, like later they're gonna go brag to each other about what dad said and argue about who he's prouder of. as if dad had any right being proud of them anymore.

"capitalize your skills and passion. make us all rich..." shuuya says. him on the other hand, doesn't ask for praise, or anything for that matter.

"what do you mean make us rich? i'd be the one making the money. on that subject, shouldn't you look for a damn job?"

"where'd that come from!! you're also unemployed tsubomi!"

"i basically do everything around here. you just lay around all day watching tv."

"nu-uh. i take care of entertaining everyone. im literally the funniest guy alive... STOP GROANING IM RIGHT."

"hehe... if tsubomi opened a restaurant, we could all work there," kousuke says. "like a family-run business. wouldn't that be nice?"

shuuya and tsubomi stop fighting. they say yeah, that would be nice. they continue eating quietly.

iv.

most of them are difficult to look at, for one reason or another.

there's mary kozakura, the lone heir to Its former master, and Its target. there's shintaro kisaragi, the one who stopped it all.

kenjirou plays the blame game between the two.

he has no control over shintaro's closeness with ayano. he has no control over his protagonism in the success. he hates the kid because when he's around, ayano starts acting shy. shintaro also starts acting shy. they're in what a normal person would call an adorable back and forth. but kenjirou hates it and he hates him.

he hates him because as a father it's his duty to embarrass his kid and pretend to be really tough on her first boyfriend, obviously. that's if kenjirou had the nerve to claim fatherhood after everything, but it is a really good excuse to say when ayano begs him to be nicer to the guy.

maybe he focuses on shintaro because he is easier to hate, but kenjirou knows it is mary who's really to blame. her presence makes him start looking around the room again.

technically, she could still open the other world. if she had enough snakes. she could open the other world, and She would be there.

everyone already has a snake. they're all right here, gathered around the queen. technically, it'd be easy to... give the snakes back to her. so she could open it. then he could see Her.

the thoughts disturb him as much as they did the first time.

this wasn't supposed to happen. none of them should be here, alive past that specific august. kenjirou especially, should not be here. he watches the children he's been using as chess pieces laughing and singing, crying and coping, celebrating the restoration of their stolen lives and it makes his chest ache. they act like he's not a threat. they are fully convinced he had no part in this.

it's all because of shintaro and mary. it's their fault he is alive. if he hurts anyone again, it should be their fault too.

v.

there's hiyori asahina. 

she's different from everyone, there's no hope or shine when she looks at him. she expects nothing, and hibiya and hiyori wind up to be a lot smarter than haruka and takane. if he hurt us once he might hurt us again, is what they probably think.

hibiya and hiyori aren't blinded by attachment, like his kids and students are. that is a huge advantage they have.

momo's tried to persuade them. "he was my teacher. he's weird but he's a really good guy!" she'd say. "you guys just never got to know him very well."

hibiya and hiyori say they understand, but they are smart and still keep their distance.

when they visit kashiwa (which they do ridiculously often) momo insists to host them at the kisaragis'. that had been such a relief. the living arrangement is a nightmare as it is.

tsubomi, kousuke and shuuya had said goodbye to their little home and they're all crowding the red brick house the tateyamas own. that really drives home just how earnestly kenjirou's children believed he's innocent, and they're safe here. having formed a symbiotic association with his kids, mary winds up here as well.

they had all been so sad to say goodbye to the bizarre apartment they called a hideout, but they decided moving home with him and ayano was more than worth it. that too eats up at kenjirou's conscience.

his former office/evil lair is being used to storage their old furniture. they added their couches, chairs and even beds to the space since the house is still the meeting point for the gang. which meant his sister in law is around somewhat often.

he likes going out to smoke in the backyard. everyone's kind enough to leave him alone when he does.

"tell me about my sister."

everyone except hiyori.

"sorry?"

"tell me about my sister," hiyori keeps demanding. she immediately rolls her eyes like having to repeat herself is the most annoying thing in the world. "aren't you gonna put that out?"

she points at his cigarette. kenjirou shakes his head.

"no. to both of those requests. why don't you ask ayano?"

"i don't like ayano," she answers. "she talks to me like i'm an idiot."

kenjirou stifles a laugh. hiyori being repelled by ayano's kindergarten teacher aura was deeply funny to him, for some reason.

"yeah well, i'm a teacher. i'm paid to look at people like they're idiots. especially people your age."

hiyori's silent. he tries to pretend like that's gonna be it but if she is anything like her Sister, he doubts she'll give up so easily.

"everyone here talks to me like they know better," hiyori proves him right and does not give up. "just because they're a little older. ayano especially, she thinks she's my big sister or some crap. which is stupid and even if i wasn't her aunt it'd still be stupid. like i don't know her, it pisses me off she just expects us to be best friends like it's that easy."

for some reason hiyori starts venting. kenjirou starts getting anxious. out of all people, hiyori's probably the last person he would ever wanna see or speak with.

"but you don't do that, and i wanna hear about my big sister. so i'm asking you."

honestly, he's a little shocked. he knows hiyori's harsh through watching her interact with everyone, but damn. she had seemed so polite all the other times they've interacted, the perfectly crafted product her Sister had failed (refused) to be. summer sure did a number on her.

hiyori's gaze is hollow, unlike how fiery Hers had been. he wonders if hiyori would've turned out any different if She had been around, to save her from their parents same as She had saved Herself.

to think this girl will go back to those two when her visit's over...

kenjirou puts out his cigarette, and pats the place next to him. "fine. i'll tell you about your Sister."

hiyori smiles. she has Her smile.

vi.

regular people don't think twice about living past august, so kenjirou has been going to work. because to the world he's just a guy who teaches science. 

he gets home from work, after a long day of being normal in a very normal life where he's been normal and will always be normal.

"oh, mr. tateyama! hi!"

haruka and takane are in the living room, sitting in the dark watching tv.

told you. nightmarish living arrangement. while giving these two a roof is kinda the least kenjirou could do while they figure out how to re-enter society, it wasn't in his jurisdiction. it just sorta happened.

as soon as he comes in, they turn on the lights and pause whatever they were watching. they start stretching and rubbing their eyes like they were cursed to watch tv until someone walked in. 

"...hi." kenjirou awkwardly stands there. he's not sure why. "are you alone?"

they nod. they're tangled up together on one corner of the sofa like it wasn't big enough for the two of them. if it had been back then, maybe kenjirou would have the nerve to point it out and laugh. right now, all he can think about is how comfortable they look. trusting and so sure of themselves that the mr. tateyama in front of them had never hurt them.

"yup. ayano and kido are at the grocery store though, so they'll be back soon."

"oh. and the others?"

"seto and mary are at the flower shop. kano is..." haruka shrugs. "somewhere?"

it's just the three of them, like they're back in the science storage room.

it's not like he hasn't spoken a word to them, especially if they're living in the same damn house, but nothing that needed to be talked about was getting talked about. 

they're smart enough to realise that kenjirou's avoiding them, so they've also kept the distance. but they're stupid enough to keep smiling at him, silently urging him to forgive himself already.

he doesn't forgive himself. he doesn't think he can, not in this side of eternity at least. maybe in another route that doesn't go so ridiculously wrong as to let him get away with all this. 

that's what they're also thinking about. he can tell just by the way haruka and takane keep glancing at each other. it's like they're telepathically figuring out what to say, how to begin. it makes his skin crawl. for some reason he can't move.

"hey, mr tateyama..."

they start.

they spout all about their delusional version of the story that they and his kids were so desperate to believe in. the one about kenjirou being nothing but the poor flesh bag that carried It. it's not his fault. he's another victim. all that stuff is the kinda story the mekakushi dan got moving.

"we just want you to know we don't hold anything against you..." haruka's making this annoying face. they're both looking at kenjirou with such expectation and conviction he could explode.

"shit happens. whatever. we're all here so it'd be lame to keep ignoring it." takane looks a bit more serious than haruka does, but sounds more clueless. they haven't changed much in that aspect.

the room might be spinning.

"i don't mean to pretend nothing's wrong. i'm just..."

sorry?

asking for forgiveness just seems so ridiculous. being sorry doesn't fix things, he's never seen the point of apologizing. it's something She was always on his ass about.

"it's like trying to refuse responsibility," kenjirou would tell Her. "you say sorry and suddenly everything's okay?"

"that isn't how it works. people apologize to admit to the other person they were wrong." She'd respond pointedly. "it's a formality most people appreciate. it's not automatically pointless just because you don't see its value, kenjirou."

he just pretended to understand what She meant. they never fought much, so apologies weren't required anyway. in this moment he wonders about what he wants to do.

"it's okay, mr. tateyama. we're all just trying to..." haruka can't find the words.

"process it?" takane helps. haruka nods. "move on? don't know. just... you should give yourself a break man!"

"yeah, you couldn't have known, okay?"

they misinterpret the silence, like they misinterpret everything. that's something that's always pissed him off about people, everyone just hears and sees what they want to see. in this case, these two decide his silence is shame. that he is so very sorry that he can't even say it.

the thing is, yeah he's sorry. but saying it won't fix anything.

an apology seems cheap. he killed them. you can't just apologize for that. he really is sorry haruka and takane suffered so much, then again it's the only reason haruka's even alive, and takane didn't really die and she's like, the only one who actually liked what her snake offered. it wasn't like he did them a favor but... 

"what if i did... know?" kenjirou tells them. "a little bit. not everything. what if i knew at least after, when i had already done it?"

they're both quiet. they look so confused it reminds him of their classes together. he did tend to make long over complicated questions, and he always started talking about stuff he was passionate about but was beyond highschool science.

"you're totally off topic," takane would say. "none of this stuff is in the textbook."

"yeah, but i'm the teacher and you're the students." he would answer her. "so you better take notes!"

takane never took notes. haruka always did.

after a moment takane snaps out of the shock and forces a chuckle. "but you didn't know, so who cares. right, haruka? ...haruka?" she pokes haruka on the arm when he doesn't reply.

despite one would imagine otherwise, takane was always oblivious to basically everything, and operated under normal human hope. haruka's more of a- no, a complete pessimist. and so perceptive it was a little annoying sometimes, so he didn't need more than that to figure out what kenjirou means. he was always a quick learner, compared to her.

takane on the other hand, is somehow a normal person. "well... even if you knew, which you didn't, you weren't in control. there wasn't anything you could do." she tries to awkwardly move forward the exhange when haruka doesn't respond at all. she's shifting her gaze between the other two and keeps fidgeting and shaking around. she's nervous.

"mr. tateyama. whatever you tell us, we will believe you, okay?" haruka finally speaks.

kenjirou hears something fragile in his voice: a supplication. please just lie to us, he was asking.

maybe he should just apologize, give them both the satisfaction and say what they want to hear. he's been doing that a lot for his children. but haruka and takane aren't his children.

"i had more control than you guys think."

kenjirou admits it before he can stop himself and then he doesn't know what else to say. "i'm sorry" is definitely out of the question now. "just kidding" also feels inappropriate. in the end he decides to go reheat lunch while haruka and takane flee upstairs in terror.

whether or not this had any relevancy on how fast they move out of the house, he can't say. they claimed they were sick of ayano waking them up so early everyday.

vii.

"you wanna go to the police?"

shuuya immediately starts laughing.

kenjirou chooses him because it feels like he owes him specifically. also because he knows shuuya's the only one of his four kids who won't start screaming and crying when hearing what he has to say.

he still hasn't decided what he has to say but that's beside the point.

shuuya's barely spoken to him. when he does, he kind of just... does what everyone else's been doing. subtly looking for comfort in his familiarity, and the relief of having a father. it's been awkward, but shuuya did his best to act as if kenjirou hadn't hurt him in the way he has. 

"well. i guess i'm supposed to ask why, right?" he says when he manages to stop laughing.

"hmm.. turn myself in. take responsibility for all this." kenjirou speaks composedly. "people need answers. might as well get it over with."

"what people?... you- i mean, it paid them. no one's gonna talk."

he can tell the awkwardness with which shuuya corrects himself. they both know the truth. maybe that's the actual reason why kenjirou chooses to talk to him of all people.

"well... there's just so much stuff that i could get straightened out. ayano being legally dead, for example."

the death of a girl, orchestrated by her dubiously aware father and unwilling little brother. that is all you need to make shuuya lose his composure. it becomes increasingly obvious how he is and has been using his eye ability since the beginning of the conversation.

"hey dad, are you... paranoid?"

there's an empty casket buried under ayano's name, and more than a few people know it. it's not like shuuya was gonna get put in the mortuary, you know. money assured everyone's silence though.

there was also money for the doctors who allowed kenjirou to personally discharge a sick boy. and there was more money for the officers who kept telling a worried grandmother that they had better things to do than investigate some sick girl who probably just ran away.

no one knows about the august hijinks if you don't count all the government officials, doctors, officers and morticians that kenjirou's bought out to let him rebuild the city and get away with murder.

a large sum of money sits in a bank account no one will ever question, because he's bought so many people's silence it's ridiculous. 

"huh... you are paranoid, aren't you?"

he thinks he might be.

"no." kenjirou says. he is lying. "it's not about that. listen, you're all legally adults now. there won't be custody problems or anything. i'll give you the code for the bank account. you should... divide it through the whole group. you'll get the house, car, money. everything is yours."

"i don't really care about that stuff though," shuuya is still smiling and acting like it's no big deal, but kenjirou knows him well enough to realise he is getting impatient. "and i doubt the others do. dad, if you're paranoid you can just tell me."

"i'm not paranoid."

"then what is it? guilt?"

kenjirou doesn't answer him.

"...if you got arrested, it would break everyone's hearts, you know." shuuya is no longer smiling. "i know that's why you're talking to me and not the others. that's really unfair."

his voice breaks. for some reason he's not using his ability anymore. the face he makes is reminiscent of that day at the school rooftop.

"i've just... had this feeling. but since everyone's really happy you're back, i didn't say anything." shuuya's tearful gaze is riveted on his. it's somber and careful. he's angry and hurt and tired. he's had enough. "don't you think i'm the same as everyone? i also want to believe you weren't in control. why can't you at least give me that...?"

"well. it was... partial control?" it's difficult. it's all so fuzzy and strange and his mind had been so tangled together with Its plans, he couldn't tell which was which. "it's... ugh. shuuya, you're making this difficult."

"oh, I'M making this difficult? sorry dad! sorry for making difficult this otherwise easy situation! sure, go to jail. i'll just tell my siblings you went to buy cigarettes or something!" shuuya spits out. "what the hell are the others gonna say when you- sorry, i tell them you'd rather go to jail than be our dad?"

"that isn't-!" kenjirou breathes out. he suddenly feels like he's running out of air, and has to pause. "that is not it. i love you guys. i love you more than anything, i-"

"not more than mom," shuuya interrupts.

kenjirou immediately starts thinking of a million and one excuses to answer this and defend himself. but he can't.

"you've chosen mom over us. that's alright. i'd choose mom over you too but beggers can't be choosers," he rolls his eyes. normally kenjirou would find this outrageous but right now he bites his lip so hard he might've drawn blood. "listen dad, it doesn't matter how guilty or paranoid you are. this isn't about you. this is about us, and what we need. and we need you to act your age."

shuuya looks composed again, an indicator of his eye ability. he's serious and makes it known this is a demand. kenjirou wipes a single tear from his face, the only one he's let out in years.

"we've been winging it by ourselves for a long time, so... it doesn't matter how conscious you were." he says. "it matters that you are here now. be our dad and let guilt be your punishment. how's that?"

viii.

kenjirou tateyama, father of four, is needed. he doesn't want to be. he should not be, because there is nothing he has that he could give, nothing he can do that could help. but he is still needed. 

he's the adult and it's such a relief for all of them to know that they aren't lonely children going adrift anymore. the shattering of this relief would be as cruel as one can imagine. not that kenjirou is any stranger to being cruel. maybe that's why he finds it so easy to tell them he'll move out.

ayano shatters a cup when she hears it. she's always been known for shattering glasses. "they slip from my hands because of the soap" she weakly justified each time.

this time it's not the soap's fault, if it ever was.

"what happened? what did you break?" tsubomi suddenly joins the kitchen. they widen their eyes at the sight of ayano. "you're bleeding!"

"BANDAIDS!" kousuke yells from the other room. the floor and walls start tumbling when he starts running up the stairs.

ayano has a small cut on her finger. it's bleeding, but that's the least of her worries.

"why?" ayano asks him. "where are you going?"

"i found an apartment close by." kenjirou tells her.

"apartment? for what? what are you talking about?" alarmed, tsubomi looks between the two.

"dad says he's moving out," ayano says. tsubomi immediately gets as confused as their sister.

"why?!"

"yeah, why?" 

"why what?" kousuke joins. he lifts ayano to sit her at the table like a cut on her finger didn't let her walk, and starts bandaging her hand like it's gonna fall off.

"dad's gonna move out," tsubomi says.

"what, why!?"

"that's what we just asked!"

"well, why?" ayano insists again with the disregarded question.

the face she makes reminds kenjirou of when She started leaving early for work. She was gone by the time ayano and him were up, before the sun came up. he and ayano had breakfast together, and kenjirou was responsible for getting her ready for school. that included brushing her hair.

ayano claimed he was too rough. he never meant to be. he tried being as soft as possible but he kept getting incrementally more frustrated with each "ouch!" ayano muttered. eventually she started to do it herself. that was better for both.

that's what the face she's making now reminds him of. that unsure look she had whenever he approached her with a hairbrush.

kenjirou hates explaining why he does the things he does, so he doesn't.

ix.

he moves to a small apartment on the periphery of the house and his new job. he gets a new job by the way.

despite what everyone thinks, kenjirou has always liked teaching and schools for the same reason he had four kids. he loves children. or loved? he's not so sure now. that doubt makes him so guilty he feels nauseous. She would hate him for doubting that.

anyways, going to work while pretending there is no secret evil laboratory underground was getting a little... much.

"be our dad and let guilt be your punishment" shuuya had told him. since kenjirou sort of responded with fleeing, as a consequence shuuya hasn't spoken a word to him since he moved. that's a thing.

another thing is his new job itself. there's no kids to confuse so it's boring, but at the same time there are no kids to kill so that's good. he's working at a research lab looking at dumb cells all day. 

so this is one way he's making himself pay, shuuya. boring job. that's gotta count for something, right? kenjirou wants to ask. but shuuya won't pick up his calls.

there's also his co-worker.

if you were asked to choose which one of them is the evil scientist, you'd definitely choose wrong. mr. kokonose looks and acts serious, but at the end of the day it's him who's passionate about creating new vaccines and finding cures for rare diseases. and it's kenjirou who experimented on people. so. you know.

he's also who got him the job, and someone he's known since college days. also the dad of a kid he killed or whatever.

he's been looking into a microscope for way too long. kenjirou's fully aware of his colleague's dislike for small talk but since there are no kids to tease kenjirou has to make due with the only other person in this lab.

kenjirou sighs, and then asks "how's haruka?" because well, first: it feels like he should. second: as someone who's been a teacher for almost 15 years, silence all day kinda drives him crazy.

mr. kokonose leans away from the microscope but doesn't look at him. even eye contact is a whole thing with this guy.

"he's not dead," he says eventually. kenjirou smiles and nods. 

"yeah. that i know. i mean aside from that. is he good? do you see him a lot?"

"no, i don't see him often." he responds. "he has some paintings displayed in the gallery downtown."

that's probably the longest sentence kenjirou's heard him make since... ever. if he ever spoke of his son or late wife, he never showed an ounce of warmth, so it was really surprising.

"he says they sell. so financially he's fine i think." oh. that's what it was about. "he's also got a girlfriend."

"isn't that something!" he pretends he didn't know. 

"yeah. so for all i know she could be paying for rent and haruka isn't actually selling anything." mr. kokonose reasons. kenjirou breathes in so he doesn't smack him. "his girlfriend..."

oh?

"...has a more stable job than he does."

oh.

"web page designer, programmer, code developer. i was impressed with enomoto's resume. those kind of jobs are very sought after these days." for a moment he keeps going on and on about the fast paced advancement in technology or whatever the hell.

kenjirou wants to laugh when he thinks of asking for his kids' partners' resumes. this implies thinking of his kids which includes shuuya. shuuya who is not talking to him. he doesn't feel like laughing anymore.

just when he's about to tune him out, mr. kokonose says, "it calms me down to know they're fine financially. i want to make sure haruka doesn't stop all his treatments. he says he can pay for them himself."

kenjirou looks at this other dad who is trying his best to convey something. the conversation dies there.

it sounded haruka and his father had found some semblance of a relationship. instead of feeling relieved, kenjirou remembers the lonely student who looked for a father figure in him, and how much he wanted to act as one because he knew how much haruka needed it.

maybe that had been overly cruel, right? maybe it would've been easier to ignore haruka and takane entirely instead of establishing an emotional compromise with them. if he was gonna end up betraying them like that, he... well, but he didn't know. at first. right?

suddenly, he understands what She had meant. the concept of apologizing clicks as soon as he thinks about how much he wants to see haruka and takane.

he can hear shuuya's voice in his head, telling him to let guilt be his punishment.

x.

kousuke visits him often. at least three times a week. he stays for an hour or two and talks the entire time about all his current activities and how things are at home. updates him on shuuya. he's the same as always, he says. kenjirou isn't sure if that's good or bad.

"in our old apartment animals weren't allowed. that's fine. but now we're back at the house... i don't see the big deal!"

today kousuke is pouting. kenjirou's studio apartment feels even smaller whenever he's over. kousuke is his same height, but he's so burly he barely fits in the chair.

"to be fair you are asking your siblings to suddenly let you bring three stray dogs inside."

"they'll be put down if i don't! h- how can they be so heartless!" kousuke says. "tsubomi's all like. they're smelly. hello!! THEY'RE GONNA BE PUT DOWN?? AND THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT HOW SMELLY THEY ARE?!"

"okay, kousuke. you're also not compromising. shuuya and tsubomi gave you a condition and you're refusing it."

"i don't wanna keep the dogs in the backyard..." he says. "they don't get it because they can't talk to them. what kinda host would i be? that's so embarrassing... like hey guys i got you a place. you can't come in though."

kenjirou laughs. kousuke doesn't. this was deeply upsetting to him for real.

"ayano is refusing to take sides. right now it's mary and i vs. shuuya and tsubomi.... it's tough living with cat people."

"yeah well, that's cohabitation for you!" kenjirou tells him. he opens his arms to embrace the air of his humble home. "it's the nice thing about living alone! if i was there i'd also say no and who wants that?"

"...yeah... about that..."

kenjirou's smile falls a little but he tries to stay cheerful for him. he can already hear kousuke begging him to come back, or cry about how much they want their dad back home...

"do you know anything about the process of buying land?"

"huh."

kousuke's face is lighting up. he just said something he's been looking forward to. he looks around like they aren't alone and then leans in.

"don't tell the others." he says. "i've been saving up. with mary. but i don't know where to even start looking and it's all a little intimidating-"

"wait. wait. go back. land? what are you talking about?" kenjirou interrupts.

"mary and i wanna build our own house!" kousuke admits.

he starts talking. in fact he talks so much kenjirou takes his glasses off to rub his face.

kenjirou's initial amusement is replaced with surprise. surprised about... so many things. primarily, about the amount of money kousuke had somehow saved up and how competent he proved to be about the whole process of buying anyway. secondarily, he's surprised he is the first person he is telling.

"kousuke you know... buying, building... that isn't easy or fast." kenjirou tells him. "you're talking about a commitment. it's gonna take years, a lot of money and possible debt. that whole thing."

"yeah. i know. isn't it exciting?"

"did you not hear the part about a lot of money and debt."

"no i did. of course i'm not excited about that but..." kousuke smiles wider, if that was possible. "we only have so much time in the world, right?"

"i guess?"

"well. this is a project. to me, that's what life is about." 

there's something in the way he's presenting the situation. it's the ambition and enthusiasm and hope. when kousuke left that day, kenjirou hugged him a little longer than usual. he tells him he's proud. he knows he has no right to feel that way, but it's worth it because of the way kousuke smiles wide and his eyes get teary.

tsubomi visits too. not as often but they do. when they're over, they go through all of kenjirou's cupboards and complains about all the dirty laundry on his floor. in the meantime, kenjirou unwraps the food they brought from the restaurant like he hasn't eaten in days.

"...have you been eating?"

wait. he hasn't eaten in days. kenjirou looks at tsubomi with his mouth full. he swallows fast and tries to come up with something. "i didn't reheat it because it just looked so good."

tsubomi looks down at the food then makes a face. "i'm actually asking because your kitchen is empty. all you have is instant coffee. in your fridge... there's the food i brought last time and..." they lean into the fridge and take a wrapped box out. "is this from what i brought the other week?"

"of course not." kenjirou says. tsubomi sighs in relief. "it's from the other other week. i was planning to take it to the lab to see what all the mold looks like."

they closes their eyes. and slowly puts it back in the fridge. after a pause they quickly take it out again and throws it in the garbage.

he would put effort and whine about just how much he wanted to observe that mold, but he's too busy eating. 

they keep throwing out the spoiled food in his fridge. they also empty his ashtray and throw away the empty cans of beer next to his couch. "you should come to the restaurant sometime," they say, not staying still for one second. they can only ever ask things if they're not looking at him directly.

yes, it's a suggestion. but in tsubomi language this was asking. they both pretend this is the first time they're inviting him.

"the kido restaurant huh..."

"i just work there. it's not mine," they say. "but uhh, if you want. we... could go together. with momo."

"momo? ...kisaragi?" kenjirou can't stop himself. tsubomi makes a face.

"dad."

"the idol?"

"dad."

"...just making sure!" he smiles. "i'll go to dinner with you and momo."

tsubomi smiles and quickly turns back around after, putting away garbage bags and grabbing new ones and who knows what else. kenjirou can see the back of their ears are red though. 

damn. what's with his kids and the kisaragis? ough, he can only imagine those two's mother wanting to meet him already. what a pain. because ayano also had a friendly situation with shintaro, so...

"wha? no. we stopped seeing each other." ayano says quietly next time she visits.

kenjirou drops his croissant in his coffee. "DAMN!"

"i thought you didn't like shintaro?"

"no, i hate him. i'm cursing because now my croissant's all soggy." he lamely tries to fish it out of his cup. ayano is always so kind to bring nice pastries when she visits. "anyways- what!? huh!? you broke up!? no... WERE YOU DATING!?"

ayano looks around awkwardly. the "get me out of here" energy was heavy. "yes. i dated shintaro for over a year."

"oh- huh. ummm... well..." he's not sure how to proceed. should he... ask why? if she's okay? should he kill the guy? what's the damn procedure when your daughter breaks up with a guy?

kenjirou pulls out his phone and quickly starts googling it. ayano clears her throat to get his attention. "we don't have to talk about it. or rather i don't feel like it. i just... thought i'd mention it so you don't have to worry about meeting mrs. kisaragi."

"oh. well. tsubomi and momo are still seeing each other. it's still a possibility!"

"heh. i guess."

he tries reading from google but it's all about giving kids their space and letting them vent. ayano said she didn't wanna talk about it. should he ignore her? it says to cry together. eugh. he looks at her about to say, quote, it is OK to have a range of different feelings, unquote.

but then sees something fragile in ayano's eyes, and the question asks itself. "are you alright, ayano?"

"no." she says immediately. she smiles, but all of a sudden- "i feel like a failure."

she starts crying. kenjirou would eat a thousand soggy croissants if it meant he never had to see this scene again.

surprisingly it isn't about shintaro. at least at first. apparently, she did bad in her math test.

she's been doing her best going to night school and working during the day. how is she ever going to finish highschool, she sobs. how is she ever going to be anyone in life, she wonders. shintaro had been helping her, when they weren't in a weird on and off situationship that was driving both of them crazy.

neither had been ready for that kind of thing, she says. she also says, it was sort of a relief. it was easier to hurt over a silly relationship than to hurt about everything else. she focused so much of her energy on it she didn't let room to mourn the years she had lost. ayano and shintaro had to take some time apart, but are on good terms now. apparently, they split months ago. kenjirou hadn't even known they ever made it official until now.

another thing ayano eventually sobs about- tsubomi, kousuke and shuuya were all moving on with their lives. tsubomi's been working at a restaurant, going to culinary school. kousuke and mary apparently have this crazy idea to build a house together, who would've known. and shuuya is going to beauty school. ayano brags about her new haircut that he gave her. kenjirou thinks she looks the same. apparently he's wrong and her bangs are slightly shorter.

as to why her siblings and their projects was making ayano cry, well. everyone grows up and she feels stuck in time, now 20 and still finishing highschool. what kind of big sister am i, she asks.

kenjirou tells her everyone has their own times. there is no shame in it, and in fact there is courage and value in putting this much effort. academics don't decide your worth. she cares and she's trying and that's what matters. no one is rushing her, and if we got anything then that's time.

ayano sniffs and sobs and nods the entire time. "thank you, dad." she says. there's a hug, she chuckles on his neck and complains about his spiky stubble.

it comes so naturally to him. he misses that. he misses being a dad.

kenjirou offers to be ayano's math tutor. no thanks, she says. shintaro is doing it.

xi.

much like shuuya had accused, maybe kenjirou does really want Her more. he's not sure. he hasn't been alone with his thoughts in so long and all this time It had been so obsessed with his desire to see Her... it's so hard to believe otherwise now.

who knows if normally it would've been different and even without Her, he'd just be happy to be with his kids. but normally this wouldn't have happened.

if anything was fair She would be here with him... or more ideally, instead of him.

"i'd choose mom over you too," shuuya had said. his words are haunting him like Her memory. it's sickening because She is gone. shuuya is here, he just won't speak to him. because he is smart. kenjirou wished he wasn't so smart.

kenjirou goes to dinner with tsubomi and momo. he also helps kousuke get his driving license. he's got a book borrowed from mary on his nightstand.

he also agrees to speak with Her parents, when hiyori expresses interest in coming to highschool in the city. they are surprisingly tame. maybe they're just too old now. or hiyori's summer in kashiwa drove her so off the rails they didn't know what to do anymore.

hibiya's also in the same page. but the talk with his parents was taken care of by mrs. kisaragi- who, by the way, kenjirou had to meet anyway once ayano and shintaro rekindle their relationship.

haruka and takane take time. it was just awkward glances and averting positions, but with time, they approach and with time, kenjirou is able to express an apology. with more time, they start asking about all the scars in their bodies. kenjirou feels nauseated all over again and wished he never had apologized if it meant never answering.

shuuya- doesn't speak to him, but tolerates him in the same room and is kind enough to pretend there is nothing wrong in front of his siblings. kenjirou tells him that he's sorry. so sorry, that the place in his ribcage where his heart should be hurts. shuuya hears him out. sorry is proven to have value. but sometimes, it's just not enough.

the children they had together grow up to be older than She was.

life goes on without Her, and the world doesn't end for it. it's just this.