Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You lose.

 

A small huff escapes your dry lips as you glare at the spot Bro was moments before. In his place was the slouching, sitting form of Lil Cal, bright plastic eyes eerily gazing your way and his wide grin forever taunting you.

 

Your tongue swipes at your bottom lip, and you can’t help but wince as a sharp pain pangs from the corner of your mouth, and the coppery taste of blood lands on your tastebuds. Your head dips, and you stare blankly at the broken katana at your feet.

 

Bro was a real bastard today.

 

You lose.

 

Shaking your head clear of the words and sighing, you spin on your heel and walk towards the stairs.

 

You lose.

‘Again.’ You emit a dark growl from your throat.

 

Lil Cal disappears behind you, but you are oblivious. A metaphorical rain cloud hangs over your head and your mood turns cold.

 

--

 

Damn it.

 

Last night some moron had the gall to mess with your fucking DJ equipment while you were at the bar getting drunk. The fucker got his ass handed to him on a platter - courtesy of your awesome, slightly drunken self, of course - but he scratched your brand-new tabletop and broke one of the dials on the mixer during his unauthorised ‘inspection’.

 

When you realised this, you were about to castrate the little shit but one of the bouncers separated the two of you. The guy got kicked out, but you were immediately told to pack your gear and go home. You hadn’t argued then; with a shrug of your shoulders you did as you were asked to.

 

It wasn’t until you got back to the apartment that you realised the joint that hired you didn’t pay you the fuckers!

 

So yeah. Your good mood is festering inside the sewer and having tea time with diseased rodents.

 

You woke up at noon, and immediately dragged Dave up onto the roof for a strife session. You won, like always, but the workout still didn’t elate your mood. As you flashstepped behind the huge vent on the roof your mood had gone from shit to you’re a total bastard Bro good job once you realised what you just did. The events moments ago replayed back through your brain, and you let out a small, guilty groan.

 

You didn’t mean to throttle Dave around that hard. Lil’ sis didn’t even get the chance to properly defend herself. Her movements were reckless and frantic with each swing of your katana, and harsh curses spat out of her pink lips with each cut she received on her legs, hands and face. You even broke the katana she bought with her own pocket money just last week.

 

Man; you feel like scum.

 

Another flashstep, Cal’s in your hand and Dave’s broken katana in the other, and then one more step a split second later you’re sitting on the window sill of your bedroom. Cradling Cal in the crook of your elbow, you use two fingers to push your shades further up your nose bridge. You exhale quietly.

 

You have to apologise.

 

--

 

“Stupid Bro and his stupid katana, and stupid Lil Cal and his stupid, stupid face...” You mumble to yourself, not caring if it sounded childish. Walking over to your dresser and pulling it open, you sift through the numerous pieces of lingerie your Bro picked out for you, looking for something to change into. It was just simple, practical stuff, like sports bras and plain-looking panties. A little part of you is relieved that he didn’t even try to buy you more... girlish unmentionables. Lace sounded uncomfortable and itchy.

 

However, that didn’t mean that all your underwear was plain and boring. You flush a little and shift your legs together.

 

It was sent by John, as a prank. He, Rose and Jade just found out that you were really a girl a few weeks before your birthday.

 

(“With a guy’s name, yes,” You had sighed through the mic during your first four-way video chat with the others. Jade just kept smiling and looked outwardly unaffected by the news, while Rose just smirked in that infuriatingly smug way of hers. ‘I knew it,’ her face said. John couldn’t stop gaping and spluttering at the revelation that his best bro was a best sis).

 

When your seventeenth birthday came around Rose sent you some skincare products. It was a set; a hand and body lotion smelling faintly of... roses (‘Of course,’ your brain supplies sarcastically), one of those weird mud masks, a face wash, two moisturisers (one for the day and one for the night), and a hygiene wash ‘for those sensitive areas’, the note had said. You had scowled at the sentence and blushed slightly, but you were grateful nonetheless.

 

Jade illegally imported a very weird Venus flytrap the size of toy dog across the ocean, via the Becquerel express. The dog had teleported into your room and landed on top of you whilst sifting through the stuff Rose had given you. Bec dropped off the mutant potted plant and teleported away before you could clip it over the ear in retaliation. That fucking dog almost crushed your ribs!

 

The letter that came with it explained that it was a plant native to her island. It needed lots of sunlight and food - preferably meat - so you placed it on the window sill. The flytrap then immediately proceeded to snap at a passing pigeon and suffocate it in its jaws. The helpless bird struggled for a few moments, but it eventually ran out of air and ceased moving.

 

Holy shit, you gaped as the plant greedily shifted its jaws to accommodate the bird’s size, what did Harley give you?

 

After staring at the plant (which seemed to be smiling smugly at its catch - how can a plant fucking smile?) you named it Archimedes - because your initial choice of Sir Badass Archimedes Jawsington von Cuntdestroyer seemed a tad too long.

 

And John.

 

John got you a thong.

 

A thong.

 

A fucking firetruck-red cloth on strings.

 

You had flailed and thrown the offending piece of item in shock after pulling it out of the box. However, you had immediately forgiven the cheeky little goober after you spotted the pair of new aviators sitting on the bottom of the box, along with a note.

 

‘I figured you were getting a little bigger, so here’s a new pair. Happy birthday, Dave!’

   

You decide to believe that John meant it about the sunglasses, and that it wasn’t a double entendre about the size of your ass.

 

(Because if it was meant to be a fat joke you were going all the way to Washington to punch out his large front teeth. Your ass isn’t big!)

 

After getting over the fact that yes John just sent you a thong, you had cautiously picked up the flimsy underwear by pinching the string with your thumb and index finger. Quickly deciding it wasn’t rigged to explode you had locked your bedroom door, quickly shucked off your shorts and panties, and tried it on.

 

It... was actually comfortable, you had admitted after examining yourself in the mirror and pacing a couple of times. Forcibly ignoring the fact that John somehow knew your size, you decided to thank your best friend in the future with a lengthy letter along with his present on his next birthday.

 

(And you’ll mail him a smuppet and a dildo as revenge.)

 

((Okay, maybe not the dildo. He might make assumptions about your nightly habits - not like you have nightly habits, anyway. Plus, how the hell would you acquire a dildo without Bro noticing? That would be an encounter you would prefer to avoid.))

 

You finally decide on a matching pair of boring grey underwear and pluck it out of the drawer. The shift of your clothing against your sticky skin makes you wince. Okay, you really need a shower.

 

Your arms cross over your torso and your fingers carefully curl under the hem of your long-sleeve shirt, being extremely mindful of the shallow cuts that littered your hands. You slowly begin to lift the hem above your denim shorts, your bare waist...

 

A familiar-sounding whistle makes you freeze.

 

“Lookin’ good Dave--”

 

You scream.

 

--

 

You carefully push open Dave’s bedroom door, somewhat relieved that the hinges don’t creak at the action. The gap allows light in the dimly-lit hallway, and behind your pointy shades you examine the interior of your little sister’s room.

 

The small gap allows you to see her pet plant basking contently on the window sill, a few feathers peeking out of its closed jaws. A crow also sits on the other side of the sill, just out of the plant’s reach. You wonder briefly where she got the odd carnivorous plant (she called it... Archie or something?), but the sound of Dave’s drawer sliding shut peaks your curiosity.

 

Another slight nudge with two fingers and the door opens wider.

 

The words die out in your throat and you’re left speechless as you find Dave in the process of slowly peeling off the damp shirt off her back. She was a petite thing, only coming up to your collarbone in terms of height (despite being a seventeen-year old teen - she’s a little sore about that fact, no pun intended), but damn was she toned. Your eyes are immediately drawn towards the exposed slick skin of her upper stomach, trailing down to her navel and sideways to her--

 

Holy shit.

 

Your mouth falls open slightly. Twin red strings are clinging diagonally on her hips, dipping towards the middle and into her cute little denim shorts.

 

Is... Is that... a thong?

 

When did Dave get a thong?

 

Why was Dave wearing a thong?

 

You should’ve been amused and a little repulsed at the sight. Actually, you are slightly amused by the fact that your little sister had the guts to wear scanty panties, but were you repulsed? Your twisted imagination supplies you with the image of Dave in nothing but a bright red g-string, and your eye twitches in response.

 

As does the front of your pants.

 

A black, ugly feeling hits your chest for the briefest of moments.

 

‘She’s your little sister, you sick fuck.’ You mentally berate yourself.

 

‘Not really.’ Logic replies. You just so happened to find her in the middle of a smoking crater with a girly horse. You look alike, but the chances of you two actually being related are pretty damn slim. But you’re siblings; you’ve raised her ever since, taught her everything you could - you are her guardian. But, then again--

 

‘Does she see you as a sibling? A father figure? Or something else?’

 

Stop.

 

‘If she asked you what you thought of her, how would you respond?’

   

Stop.

 

‘If you kissed her, would she kiss back?’

 

STOP.

 

As an attempt to dismiss your train of thought before it spirals out of control, you let out a whistle to get Dave’s attention. She tenses and stops her movements, the underside of her red sports bra peeking from the bundled shirt hem in her hands.

 

The words were out of your mouth before you could censor them, “Lookin’ good Dave--”

 

Dave lets out a shrill scream - the girliest sound you’ve ever heard from her ever since she began developing her tomboy personality - and her arms fly protectively over her bare skin. The bundled hem falls back over her stomach, a bit of bare skin and red string peeking from in between the shirt and her shorts.

 

The crow flies away from the window with a loud caw.

 

“HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ABOUT KNOCKING I’M CHANGING HERE--” She babbles loudly, a furious red staining her face.

 

“Is that a new thong?” You continue, and mentally smack yourself at the line of questioning. You’re just making it worse for yourself, Bro.

 

“BRO OH MY GOD GO AWAY!” Dave shouts, her expression a mix of being mortified and angry.

 

“It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

 

...Fuck!

 

--

 

The both of you stare at each other, the statement ringing in the sudden silence. Bro’s face actually shows surprise at his own words for a moment before it’s carefully schooled into a neutral expression. His arms are folded across his chest and one eyebrow is cocked above his pointy shades as he leans against the door frame.

 

‘It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.’

 

For some reason the words spoken in a deep baritone sent a shiver of something down your spine. You push it away and quickly dig up a small retort before Bro notices your speechlessness after the initial surprise of his matter-of-factness.

 

“I was still a kid.” You say in quiet voice, feeling unsure about how to react to that.

 

‘It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.’

 

Oh, God.

 

Bro’s voice was husky and scandalously... intimate, unlike his usual teasing tone that was usually reserved for you. You’ve never heard Bro sound like that. It was frightening and thrilling and... and...

 

Whoa.

 

Your heart beats faster and you blush all the way to the tip of your ears.

 

Bro tilts his head slowly, “So you were.” He replies to your statement, just as quietly. His voice sounded weird. Was he getting nostalgic? About the past when he took care of--

 

Oh. Oh shit.

 

The glaring fact that you were siblings slams down your head like a three ton weight, and guilt starts clawing inside you. For a split second all the little things you found attractive and sexy in your older brother flashes through your head - the way he smiles crookedly and nods in greeting every morning, the way he wields his katana, how his muscles flex during strifes, the little chuckles he makes when you tell him something funny - and the overbearing feeling of wrongwrongwrong increases the pressure building in your chest. It was difficult to breathe.

 

What seemed like innocent observations of how handsome your Bro is were now placed into an entirely new context because of how he fucking said it in that fucking weird voice--

 

‘It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.’

 

--and it made you realise that you were really, really, really fucking attracted to your older brother.

 

Older brother.

 

Family.

 

Your head spins, and you nearly miss Bro’s next sentence.

 

“--a shower?”

 

“What?” You utter, not really processing the question.

 

“...I said: were you gonna take a shower?” Bro repeats calmly. You get the vague impression that he didn’t repeat that word for word, but the hunch is easily dismissed in your dazed state.

 

“Huh--?” Oh. Shower. You nod jerkily, “Right. I was... g-gonna take a shower. Yeah.”

 

Bro’s brows pinch together at your odd behaviour, but you’ve already turned around with your back to him. You bundle up your clothes inside a towel and pick them up from the bed, cradling the bunch to your chest. Spinning on your heel, you keep your gaze firmly on the carpet as you awkwardly walk past Bro and out of your room. Your face is burning with a seemingly permanent blush, and the tips of your ears still feel warm.

 

A gloved hand gently lands on your shoulder and you tense. A small, barely-audible squeak comes out of your mouth.

 

--

 

The small sound Dave makes spurs some amusement within you. How cute.

 

You put a bit of pressure on her shoulder and carefully encourage her to turn around, and she complies. Her gaze stubbornly stays on your stomach, but from the top of her aviators you can see the hazy look in her red eyes.

 

“You’re not sick, are you?” You accuse lightly, bringing a hand down under her chin and tilting her head up. You can see her eyes widen behind the darkness of the tinted lenses. You cock an eyebrow in response.

 

Both of you hold your gazes, the silence settling heavily onto your shoulders. Impatience over her lack of response starts to get to you, but she asks something unexpected.

 

“Why did you name me Dave?” She blurts out, and blinks a few times. Her pink lips were parted slightly in surprise, before they were set in a thin line. Her expression was curious, and a little embarrassed.

 

You don’t know. “I don’t know. I guess you... looked like a Dave?”

 

“I’m a girl.” Dave mumbles dully.

 

“Well, you’re not a girl now - you’re a young woman.” You huff out a small laugh, and her face gets redder. Hm. “I named you Dave before I saw your lack of a penis. The name stuck.” You continue.

 

“...Oh,” She still wore an out-of-it expression on her heart-shaped face.

 

Sigh. “Okay, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Dave immediately denies. She flinches and is unable to meet your eyes as your gaze narrows.

 

“Don’t spout out bullshit...” You pause, and guess, “Is this about me walking into you?”

 

“N-No!” It is.

 

“I’m sorry, alright? But if it isn’t that, what is it?” She remains stubborn. “Dave.”

 

“I...” Dave tries, and hesitates.

 

You make a small, encouraging ‘go-on’ motion.

 

“I... I just...” She swallows, and quickly spits out, “I just wanna take a shower. Like, really badly. I feel icky and gross.”

 

She’s avoiding the question.

 

You let it slide - for now.

 

“Alright,” You let go of her shoulder. “If you need anything, just ask.”

 

--

 

‘Oh, God. Don’t offer that!’

 

“Yeah...” You nod quickly, and scurry down the hallway to retreat into the bathroom like a fucking pussy.

 

As the bathroom door slams shut behind you the clothes-and-towel bundle are dropped carelessly onto the cold tiles, and you lean back against the door, shivering. Your legs shift together, and you emit a soft whine at the tingling and damp sensation in your shorts.

 

Oh my God this is Bro your older brother Dave what is fucking wrong with you ohGodohGodohGodsicksicksick--

 

Disgust wells up in your stomach.

 

‘Lookin’ good Dave.’

 

It was quickly replaced with heat.

 

You are so screwed.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 10:37AM --

TG: you
EB: ...me?
TG: yes you dont play cute
TG: this aint a public memo egbert of course im talking to you
TG: whyd you fucking send that thong to me in the first place
EB: what tho
EB: oh that.
EB: ...dave that was months ago. it's summer now.
TG: why did you??
EB: it was a joke! gosh don’t get your panties in a twist.
EB: why are you suddenly having a problem with it now?
TG: this is your fault
TG: everything between me and my bro was all dandy and awesome and platonic right up until
TG: he sees that thong
TG: and he makes a fucking comment implying how i looked good in it
TG: and now everythings changed
EB: what.
TG: i have a crush on my older brother
TG: i guess ive always had it but i just didnt realise it until now
EB: dave.
EB: what.
TG: man you shouldve heard his fucking sexy voice practically purr how he said
TG: oh right i probably shouldnt talk about this
TG: sorry bro im probably making you squirm in disgust or something because this is practically incest
TG: yeah im kinda ignoring the fact that it is practically incest
TG: but thanks to your stupid prank i realised i have this massive ladyboner for my older brother
TG: and his sexy voice
TG: and his sexy body
TG: and his sexy everything
TG: stupid sexy bro
EB: o...kay?
EB: i’m not judging you, by the way. i’m a little weirded out though.
EB: i mean he’s your older brother for god’s sake.
EB: it’s a little bizarre but can i just say it’s strangely appealing??
TG: uh...........
EB: forbidden love. you know me, dave, always a sucker for cliché plotlines and stuff like that.
EB: it’s romantic in a twisted sort of way.
TG: huh
TG: is that your lame dorky way of saying youre totes cool with it and youre willing to hear me out
EB: yeah.
TG: dont ever change dude
EB: hehehe.
EB: but uh...
EB: wow.
EB: ladyboner for your bro.
EB: how’s that working out for you?
TG: if i dont concentrate on the sibling aspect of it and that he was practically my father figure for the last seventeen years
TG: its awesome
TG: but then it feels horrifying since my thoughts immediately go back to the ‘omg were siblings’ thing again
TG: but i suddenly really
TG: really
TG: really
TG: wanna get on with my bro
TG: physically
TG: sexually
EB: ew.
TG: intimately
TG: sorry
EB: no you’re not.
TG: no im not
EB: you pestered me for a reason, and i’m sure part of it was to make sure my thoughts would be plagued with the mental image of you and your bro getting it on...
TG: oops you saw through my nefarious plan
EB: you’re a fucking troll.
EB: other than that though, i’m gonna guess that you’re...
EB: seeking advice?
TG: no
TG: oh god no
EB: what’s that supposed to mean??
EB: i know what i’m talking about dave.
TG: through watching your shitty movies
TG: you see a few
TG: *a ton
TG: of romance films and suddenly youre claiming to be the guru of all romantic relationships
EB: ugh. don’t reject my offer until you’ve actually heard what i’ve got to say!
EB: but never mind. so you talked to me and not the girls because...?
TG: a: youre my best bro
TG: self explanatory
TG: except bro is my best bro and youre my best bro-friend
TG: b: if i tried to talk to lalonde she would psychoanalyse me to the point that my brain would fry under all her technobabble
TG: and claim that i had a problem or some shit
TG: i dont have a problem jesus
TG: im just a really horny seventeen year old with a morally dubious sexual attraction to my bro
TG: its hard
TG: its hard and nobody understands
TG: my ladyboner that is
EB: dave.
TG: right sorry
TG: c: harley is an isolated girl on an island with a mutant magical mutt for a guardian
TG: and a robot replica of herself to make sweet love to every night
TG: what does she know about human relationships??
TG: i mean she would probably just nod and accept it because she isnt educated about social norms like us
TG: and then she would tell rose because sometimes she cant keep her mouth shut
TG: or her fingers moving whatever
TG: no sexual innuendo intended
EB: and you decide to confide in me.
TG: yep
EB: because you really trust me to be a bro about it and not tell anyone else.
TG: pretty much
EB: wow dave... i’m... kind of touched??
EB: i never knew you loved me that much.
TG: yeah yeah dont get a swelled head about it
EB: <3
TG: oh god not the heart anything but the heart please
TG: no its contagious
TG: im physically struggling to resist the urge
TG: no
TG: no
TG: no
TG: damn you egbert with my last dying breath i curse thee
TG: .............. <3
EB: aw you’re too adorable.
TG: more adorable than your man crush nic cage??
EB: bite me.
EB: so, still want my advice?
TG: uh not now thanks
TG: im still wrapping my head around this really weird situation
TG: lemme try and take care of this myself before i talk to you
EB: sure.
EB: i’m here for you buddy.
TG: dont tell rose or jade
EB: i won’t!
TG: thanks
EB: hehe.
EB: so...
EB: you actually wore my joke present.
TG: oh hey fuck look at the time i gotta wash the dishes
TG: welp sorry egbert im outie
EB: hey what about some pics for your best bro??

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:05AM --

EB: ahahahDAMNIT DAVE I WAS KIDDING!!!

 

--

 

You shove your phone back under your pillow and roll your eyes. You’ll unblock the goober later tonight; John’s too likeable to ignore for too long, even if he’s a tactless jerk sometimes.

 

Still, now you feel like you need to talk to someone. You never really had any real friends at high school, and you spent your spare time cooped up in an isolated place talking on Pesterchum with Jade, and sometimes John and Rose when they’re free.

 

Obviously you’re still a little peeved at John, and you’ll talk to him later, and the girls can’t keep their mouths shut. Bro is definitely out of the question, and if you tried to be too vague about the subject he’ll become suspicious and eventually connect the dots. Yeah; not gonna happen.

 

Ugh. What to do, what to do...

 

You pause.

 

And groan.

 

Damn. You really didn’t want it to come to this, but you still have some shit to vent.

 

After staring at the ceiling for a few moments, you force yourself to jump out of your bed in search of Lil Cal.

 

--

 

“Bro.”

 

It was a while before you got a reply.

 

“A little busy here, princess.” Bro says, and you glare at his closed bedroom door. You kick it with your socked foot, making a firm ‘bang’ noise.

 

“Bro. Where’s Cal?”

 

Silence, then: “He’s here. Why?” Bro inquires suspiciously.

 

“I need to talk to him.”

 

“...Why?”

 

“None of your fucking business.”

 

A few moments later you hear muffled footsteps and Bro opens the door, shirtless and holding a video camera, and you almost forget why you’re there. You can feel his unseen gaze bearing down on you, and you resist the urge to shift your posture. Heat crawls underneath your skin and you can feel goosebumps on your arms. Thank God you’re wearing a long sleeved shirt and pants today.

 

“And you can’t talk to me because...?” He raises an eyebrow.

 

“It’s complicated and... shit,” You huff and run a hand through your short hair, looking away and licking your lips. “I need someone to talk to, and it can’t be you. You’re a guy.” And you’re the problem.

 

“Cal’s a guy.” Bro points out.

 

No shit. “If you’re my daddy then Cal’s as close to a mother figure as I can get. Let me talk to him.”

 

From the corner of your eye you can see his Adam’s apple bob slightly as he swallows, and he nods wordlessly. You send him a small, grateful smile.

 

“Okay. Let me put some clothes back on him and I’ll hand him over to you.”

 

Your expression turns horrified, and he smirks at you before shutting the door in your face.

 

“Oh God that’s so weird and gross,” You squeak to yourself. Bro was shirtless, holding a video camera, and Cal was probably naked. There may or may not be smuppets involved. You decide to stop this ridiculous train of thought before you need brain bleach.

 

And then you let out a small, high-pitched laugh. Right, and being attracted to the man who’s twice your age and has been your guardian since forever isn’t weird and gross at all.

 

It definitely feels like it isn’t. Your conscience disagrees.

 

The door opens once again and Bro shoves Lil Cal in your arms. You resist the urge to drop him in disgust but instead make a face. Bro’s smirk just widens.

 

“You... Is he clean?” You ask hesitantly.

 

“Wow. Cal is so offended right now.”

 

“Sorry, Cal.” You grumble to the puppet.

 

“He says it’s okay.” Bro assures, and you can’t help but smile a little. The way your older brother thinks of Cal as an actual living being is kind of endearing - sort of. And a little creepy. “You sure you don’t need a translator? I can come along if you need me to.”

 

Please don’t. “Nah. I think I can manage.”

 

Bro shrugs, slams the door in your face again, and you make Lil Cal face you. His bright blue eyes stare into your shades.

 

“I need to talk to you.” You eventually say, feeling a little silly.

 

--

 

Lil Cal sits on your bed, leaning back on the headboard. You sit in front of him, cross-legged and feeling awkward.

 

Cal is family. He’s always been there side-by-side with Bro for as long as you can remember. You may think of him as extremely creepy and scary at times, but you know that he knows more about Bro than anyone else in the world.

 

He may be just a puppet to everyone else, but over the years you’ve come to see him as an actually somebody, thanks to Bro’s interactions with him. It still makes you feel extremely stupid to be trying to talk to Cal, though.

 

But he’s cool, you guess, in his own way. And you know you won’t blab to Bro about whatever you about to say to him, so kudos to him.

 

“I...” You start, and swallow. Lil Cal stared blankly at you. “Is... Is it wrong for me to actually like my Bro? In that way?”

 

Silence. You take a deep breath.

 

“I mean... I’m attracted to Bro. Is that... weird?”

 

This is silly. But Lil Cal’s gaze holds, and his unmoving expression isn’t judging or biased. You relax a little. The words come easier.

 

“I don’t know how it started, really.” You continue, shifting your posture so that you’re lying on your stomach. You grab a pillow from the ground and cuddle it to your chest, resting your chin on it. “I was wearing this stupid joke present John got me for the birthday - it was a thong, by the way - and Bro noticed. He said something and then suddenly I realised I like him. Like, really like him. I want to bone him. My brother. I want his ochinchin inside of me.”

 

You let out a small, uncool giggle-snort and shift your elbow, making the bed dip for a moment. Lil Cal falls to his side, and you’re eye level with him.

 

“Is it just my teenage hormones talking?” You ask uncertainly. Cal remains silent, and you sigh. “Yeah, probably. Or my period’s coming up. I’m always horny before my period.”

 

The both of you bask in a comfortable silence. You stare at him with half-lidded eyes, and he meets your gaze unwaveringly. A crow caws outside.

 

“Are you okay with this, Cal?” You ask, frowning. “He’s my brother, and my father figure. You’re practically his boyfriend. I don’t wanna steal him away from you.” Pause, and you smile. “Do you think he likes me that way, too? What he said got me thinking... and he’s been a little awkward around me recently. What should I do?”

 

You stare at Cal’s grin. His golden tooth shines in the sunlight streaming through your open window. Your eyes widen.

 

“Oh.” You say, the gears in your head turning. “Are you suggesting that I... show off a little? Be a little bolder? Maybe wear more clothing that shows skin around the house on the basis of ‘whoa it’s really damn hot here in Texas today’. Maybe he’ll buy that bullshit.”

 

Lil Cal doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have you. You grin at him.

 

“Thanks Cal! You’re the best.” You chirp, and then your smile falls. “Speaking of provocative clothing... where’s my thong? I haven’t seen it in a while...”

 

Cal’s silence tells all you need to know.

 

Your face heats up and your eyes narrow behind your shades.

 

“Bro.”

Chapter Text

What the hell are you doing Bro you’re gonna get caught she’s gonna notice holy shit

 

Hanging from your fingers was Dave’s thong.

 

You glare at the offending piece of underwear as if it was the cause of all your problems. Actually, it kind of is the cause of all your problems at this point in time. Because of this flimsy piece of underwear you suddenly find your head plagued with inappropriate images of your sexy little sister.

 

Stupid thong.

 

Stupid Dave.

 

Stupid sexy imaginary-Dave in nothing but a flimsy thong.

 

Your dick twitches at the thought. Dave’s skin, a pretty pale shade despite her regular vitamin D fix under the hot sun, exposed in almost all of its entirety. Her striking red eyes were made even more pronounced by the lovely flush on her cheeks, and they matched the g-string that she wore to preserve the modesty of her lower extremities. Her arms were held in front of her chest in a feeble attempt to cover her small breasts, and she was fucking pouting at you--

 

A few moments later you’re suddenly unbuttoning your trousers and shoving a hand down your boxers to grip your prominent hard-on. A small, shuddering sigh escapes your dry lips as you start stroking slowly, thoughts plagued with Dave, Dave, Dave-- and you choke back a moan. You grip the scanty red panties in a tight fist, lean against the wall with you arm and your head bends down to watch your other hand pump your erection quicker.

 

The image in your head turns vivid. Your hand is replaced by Dave’s own, holding and stroking your hard penis. Her hand, so small and feminine, just barely encases the width of the base inside of her firm grip. Red eyes were focused diligently on the task, a look of adorably intense concentration on her face. Your breathing gets a smidge heavier, and you feel your face heating up. The grip gets tighter - bordering on painful - the pumping gets frantic, a bead of pre cum gathers at the tip--

 

“Bro.”

 

You stop. The fantasies stop. It was now just you, alone in your room, with a hand around your swollen dick and the other hand fisted around your little sister’s underwear. You stare blankly at the bare wall for a few moments, catching your breath and willing yourself to calm down.

 

The feeling of mild horror wells in your gut at what you just did.

 

God damn it.

 

“A little busy here, princess.” You respond, hoping your voice doesn’t sound too strained and breathless.

 

Dave kicks the door impatiently as you slowly come down from your lust-riddled euphoria.

 

“Bro. Where’s Cal?”

 

‘Cal?’ Why the fuck does she need to see Lil Cal for? You slowly - carefully - place your dick back in your pants in a way that your erection isn’t jutting impudently in front of you. It’s hella uncomfortable, though. You open up your sylladex and pluck out Cal’s card.

 

“He’s here. Why?” Suspicion laces your voice as you examine the item in your hands. Dave never really adored Cal like you did, and it was no secret that she was thoroughly creeped out by the puppet. You don’t really trust her alone with your best bro.

 

“I need to talk to him.”

 

Well, she sounded honest. But it doesn’t hurt to make sure, “Why?”

 

“None of your fucking business.” The retort sounded defensive. Still, you don’t think she means harm to Lil Cal.

 

You quickly examine yourself and frown. You’re shirtless, but whatever. Your favourite shirt was already in the laundry hamper in the corner of your room along with the rest of your dirty clothes, and you really can’t be fucked grabbing one from the closet. Despite your best attempts, your erection hasn’t waned off and the resulting bulge on the front of your trousers. Shit.

 

You grab a video camera from the top of your dresser. Maybe she’ll assume some smuppet porn filming is going down in your room and avoid looking at you entirely out of blatant disgust, you hope. Or the shininess of the camera can distract her, or something, but you weren’t really betting on that happening.

 

(Dave has a crow complex sometimes and can get distracted by shiny stuff. It’s ridiculously cute, and she vehemently denies having any sort of ‘complex’ you claim she has.)

 

You walk over to the door and open it. Dave’s expression goes blank in surprise.

 

“And you can’t talk to me because...?” You trail off and raise an eyebrow. She looks up at you.

 

“It’s complicated,” She offers vaguely,” and... shit,” Dave lets out a small noise and runs a hand through her hair. She looks away and swipes her lips with a pink tongue. “I need someone to talk to, and it can’t be you. You’re a guy.”

 

“Cal’s a guy.”

 

Dave’s lips twitch downwards as if to say ‘duh’, “If you’re my daddy--” Oh, God. “--then Cal’s as close to a mother figure as I can get. Let me talk to him.”

 

‘Daddy.’ She fucking called you daddy.

 

You were supposed to feel disgusted, like you were the lowest scum on the Earth for even thinking of lusting under your charge. But you’re not. A wave of heat rushes through your body and all you can think about is Dave’s soft voice saying ‘daddy, daddy, daddy’ again and again. It’s stupid and wrong and it’s turning you on when it’s not supposed to.

 

You swallow instinctively and nod. Sweet and naive (but only sometimes) Dave smiles innocently at you, unaware of your internal conflict.

 

“Okay.” You say, completely deadpan. “Let me put some clothes back on him and I’ll hand him over to you.”

 

Dave’s expression turns into a horrified grimace, and the reaction in turn brings a mischievous smirk onto your face. You shut the door in her face.

 

“Oh God that’s so weird and gross,” She whispers to herself.

 

It was your turn to grimace. Yeah. It kinda is.

 

You weren’t talking about the puppet porn.

 

--

 

‘What,’ You think whilst pouring yourself some coffee, ‘are they discussing about?’

 

Your eyes dart down to the steaming mug in your hands, and a small pang of hurt throbs in your chest. Instead of confiding to you, Dave confided in Lil Cal: someone who the teenager generally avoided most of the time. But you think Dave had a good reason not to go to you, so you’ll trust her decision.

 

That still doesn’t amend the fact that you’re a little annoyed and jealous that Cal was getting attention from your cute little sister. That’s just not right! Your lips twitch slightly into an almost-pout.

 

(Because what kind of manly, ironic thirty-seven year old man fucking pouts? That’s just not right.)

 

You take a step and the surroundings change. You allow yourself to fall back into the couch, miraculously not getting any piping hot coffee onto your shirt, and flick on the television with a mere snap of your fingers.

 

You stare at your television for a few moments, frowning in befuddlement, before realising you were sitting on the remote. Wow do you feel silly, you scowl as you pull the device from under your ass.

 

Lil Cal suddenly appears next to you and a pair of small hands lands on your shoulders. Your hat is taken off your hair and Dave rests her chin on top of your head. You can feel the fabric of her shirt brush lightly against your neck, and the smell of her new lotion (‘Roses? What the hell?’) wafts into your nostrils.

 

The both of you stay in that position for a while watching the weatherman announce another hot week for Houston, and Lil Cal remains quiet - as always.

 

“Have you been using my shampoo?” Dave accuses, sniffing slightly.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Get your own.”

 

“No.”

 

She flicks your ear. You jerk your head up slightly in retaliation, making her teeth click together as the top of your head collides with her chin. A chuckle rumbles through your throat as Dave starts cussing you out in soft whispers.

 

“Ass.”

 

“You love me.”

 

“Shut up, Bro.” A pause, “Oh, and thanks for letting me talk to Cal. It... He helped me, I guess.” Dave continued in a small voice.

 

“You can’t tell me what you guys were talking about?”

 

“Nope,” Dave drawled, popping the ‘p’ sound. Her arms snake around your neck and she hugs your head to her chest and wow you can kind of feel her boobs-- “Thanks though, for trusting me and shit. Really. Cal’s not actually a bad guy.”

 

"I'm glad you see things my way." You reply.

 

She lets go, leans down to give you a brief kiss on the cheek, paps your face, paps your best friend on the head, and flashsteps out of the room before you can even articulate a reply. The low hum of the TV helps fill in the bewildered silence left behind.

 

You turn to Lil Cal, “So, what were you guys talking about?”

 

He keeps his gaze at the television.

 

...

 

“Shit. Fine, don’t tell me.” You scowl and turn back to the TV, slouching a little in the couch. “God!”

 

You refuse to pout.

 

(Okay. Maybe you did. A little.)

 

After acting like a sulky man-child for about three minutes Dave comes back, sitting on top of the backrest of the couch. You straighten your back and turn to look up at her.

 

"I found my thong in your room." Dave finally says, lips turned into a small frown. She holds up the flimsy piece of sexy underwear and twirls it around her finger.

 

You carefully school your expression and cock an eyebrow at her, remaining silent.

 

Her frown gets deeper at your lack of a proper response, "Why did you have my thong?"

 

You're treading dangerous ground here, Bro. She must not know that you've jerked yourself off to that thong - and the thought of her in that thong and only that thong. Bad bad bad.

 

Lie. "Just checking," You begin smoothly, "so that I know what size underwear to buy you this weekend."

 

Dave stares at you, and her face starts growing an interesting shade of red. Your poker face remains.

 

"You're..." She stammers, "You're willing to buy me a new thong?"

 

"Or two. With matching bras." Yeah. Not getting out of this one, Bro. You’re digging this proverbial hole deeper and the only way out is down.

 

Your little sister looks understandably surprised, and mortified.

 

"Wh-What the hell, Bro?!" Dave squeaks, the blush spreading towards the tips of her ears. God she is too cute. You smirk.

 

"You're a growing woman, Dave." You placate calmly. "I heard that wearing certain types of underwear has a positive psychological impact on women. It makes them feel sexy, and therefore more confident."

 

You give yourself a mental pat on the back for the smooth delivery of this verbal bullshit you're spouting. The God of Lies himself would be proud of your silver tongue. You don't even know what the fuck you are talking about here.

 

Dave still looks suspicious behind all that embarrassment, so you decide to guilt trip her a little.

 

"Is it bad that I only wanted to do what’s best for you?" You say, adding a little hurt in your tone. "It's just underwear... and I wanted to make it up to you for breaking your new katana."

 

Dave relents. Score one for Bro! "Oh..." She says quietly, and then glares at you behind her aviators, "But--!"

 

Shit.

 

"--I'm coming along. I wanna pick out my own underwear, thanks." She sniffs.

 

Double shit.

 

"Plus, I need your opinion on what looks good." Dave suddenly becomes shy. "I... well, you're a guy, so I guess you know what looks good on a girl or not..."

 

Double shit and a fucking pirouette.

 

"Okay." You croak out, and Dave looks satisfied.

 

Why.

 

You swear you can hear Lil Cal laugh at you. Bastard.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:36PM --

TG: i am going underwear shopping with my bro
TG: lacy underwear shopping
TG: what am i doing
TG: what
TG: the fuck
TG: am i doing
EB: ...huh?? how did you get hauled into this situation?
TG: actually i suggested it
TG: but thats not the goddamn point
TG: the point is im an idiot that didnt think this fucking scenario through and now im subject to bros wandering eyes as i pick and choose what kind of panties i wanna wear
EB: um... and you can’t just make him stay outside the shop while you look for underwear yourself?
TG: oops did i forget to mention the fact that i also suggested that i get his opinion on what looked good and he agreed?
EB: dave.
TG: whoops?
EB: whoops??
EB: chicken out and tell him to stay outside.
TG: uh no not an option
EB: eurgh one of your strider ego things.
EB: well i’ve got nothing. this is your fault. not helping you.
EB: grow some ladyballs to go with your ladyboner and face the music, strider.
TG: holy shit youre not gonna gimme any advice whatsoever??
EB: good luck! :B
TG: no egbert help me
TG: im a dumb little southern belle who doesnt think things through and i need the encouraging words of my super awesome bro-friend to help me get through this
TG: egbert
TG: john
TG: joooooooohn
TG: attention john egbert this is your conscience speaking
TG: go help the damsel-in-distress
TG: and her name is dave strider
EB: ALRIGHT FINE, PRINCESS STRIDER.
EB: what are you looking for exactly? just some encouraging words??
TG: yes
EB: okay:
EB: you go girl!
EB: pick the sexy underwear. buy it.
EB: wear the sexy underwear.
EB: seduce your bro.
EB: be his rider.
TG: john what

-- ectoBiologist [EB] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:39PM --

TG: wait i actually really need some adviOH FUCK YOU EGBERT

--

You scowl and dim the monitor of your shades. Okay, maybe you deserved that, you admit grudgingly as you rifle through the assorted sets of underwear.

(About your shades: John gave you them, but Bro tinkered with it one night so that it also works as a computer. He’s really good with electronics, and instead of puppets he has a much cooler hobby of making complicated AIs and robots in his spare time. He’s got an AI in his shades which he’s a little cagey about, and two rapping robots named Squarewave and Sawtooth in his room. You always wondered why he doesn’t make billions of dollars in robots and AI instead of puppet porn, and you keep forgetting to ask.)

Bro clears his throat, and you turn towards him. He’s holding up a lacy pink teddy, complete with matching bra, panties, garter and frilly thigh-hi socks.

“Tell me you’re not serious.” You deadpan, heat gathering onto your cheeks. There was no way in hell you were wearing something that made you look like some sort of sex-kitten loli. There was also the fact that it was pink, but you didn’t voice that last thought out. “I’m looking for comfortable underwear, not sexy nighties.”

Bro scoffs and puts the set back onto the rack, “Comfortable? Dave, what’s comfortable about a thong?”

“Shh!” You hiss. Thankfully there was no one around in this part of the store. Bro just looks at you, amused.

“Well, whatever. I’m not at all partial to tight-fitting underwear.” Bro sighs and holds up his hands in front of him, palms forward. “Boxers are fine.”

You let out a genuinely curious noise and turn back to the rack, “Boxers? Bro, you usually wear jeans.” You say, skipping over a lacy purple set, “Don’t the shorts bunch up or something?”

John complained about the issue a couple of months back. You now know he wears briefs, to your eternal amusement.

Form the corner of your eye you see Bro look down at his pants. You bought him that pair for his birthday last year, and you know it’s designed to be almost skin-tight. He pats his hands onto his upper thighs, and you notice the lack of a crease.

“I’m not wearing boxers with these.” He admits freely. “This particular pair is a bit too cozy.”

You smile, wondering if he remembers that you gave it to him. But your curiosity is piqued, “But I thought you said that you don’t like tight-fitting underwear.”

“I’m not wearing briefs or a g-string either.”

You glance back at him oddly, and he raises an eyebrow in response.

“I don’t get it.” You confess blankly.

Bro pulls down his shades and peers over the rim to send a deadpan amber gaze at you. You stare back unflinchingly and frown.

“You can’t be serious.” He says.

“Serious about what...?”

Bro looks at you for a couple of moments before groaning in exasperation, pushing his shades back up his nose and shaking his head. He grumbles a few choice words under his breath and turns his body away from you, leaving you in utter bemusement.

You catch phrases like ‘fuck’ and ‘stupidly innocent sometimes’, but decide it wasn’t any of your business. You go back to browsing, pluck two sets you’ve been eyeing for a while, and tuck it into your arm before Bro can get a better look. But he looks too distracted to even look in your direction.

Shoving a hand in your pocket, you pull out your wallet and open it.

“Hey.” Bro finally notices that you’re done. “What are you doing?”

“Fishing for cash.” You answer absently.

“Oi. I told you I’d make it up to you.” Before you can blink Bro snatches your wallet from under your nose. “None of that, now.”

You look up and scowl at him as he waves it up high and out of your reach. You stretch out your free arm and stand on your tippy toes, but all you manage is to barely brush your fingers against the smooth leather of your wallet and almost unbalance yourself.

You fall against Bro’s chest and bump your forehead against his collarbone. What were Bro’s bones made out of? Concrete?

“Ow,” You muffle out against Bro’s shirt, putting almost all your body weight against his well-muscled body. You feel him tense up, but ignore that in favour of savouring his warmth. Okay, the whole falling-down-and-leaning-against-him thing wasn’t plan, but wow you’re going to roll with it. He smells faintly of cologne and your strawberry shampoo and home, and you nuzzle your cheek against the fabric of his shirt and sigh.

“What,” Bro’s flat voice pierces through your brain, “are you doing.” No, fuck that. You want a better reaction. Time to heed John’s advice and get some ladyballs.

So you shove a hand down the back pocket of his pants.

Bro jerks in surprise. Hell yes. You glance up and inwardly grin to yourself as his face is set into open-mouthed surprise. You can even see his wide eyes behind his shades.

“Dave, what the fu--” He cuts himself off and lowers his voice into a strained hiss. “What the fuck are you doing?”

You deliberately make a show of struggling against his body (thus rubbing up against him) and straining to dig your hand deeper into his pocket. It should’ve been extremely awkward and weird because dude you’re siblings but it feels pretty damn good, and you can feel Bro’s heart quickening slightly and your eyes flicker upwards again to see a small flush on his face.

Hell fucking yes.

Eventually you get a good grip on his wallet and pull it out, immediately backing away and setting your pokerface back in place. You wave his wallet around while he stares at you with this slightly stupid look on his face and it just fills you up with a sense of accomplishment and

‘What the fuck Dave?’ Bro’s expression screams.

Your confidence wavers.

Were... you too forward?

“You could’ve just said.” Bro eventually says in a clipped voice, and then your confidence plummets back down to Earth. You fucked things up. Shit shit shit. Bro wasn’t a touchy person. He liked his personal space and oh damn it all.

“Sorry.” You reply meekly, abandoning your ‘cool’ act once more and visibly deflating.

Bro sighs and loosens up slightly, “Just... never mind. What did you pick out?” He changes the subject, and you’re grateful, but the guilty feeling remains and you silently cringe. ‘God Dave you’re so stupid! Stupid dumb! Fuck!’

“Two sets of underwear.” You say vaguely, spinning on your heel in an attempt to dismiss the tension between the two of you. “So I’m just gonna use your credit card to-- whoa.”

Whoa indeed.

You ignore Bro’s curious noise as you slowly start making your way towards an entirely different rack, full of amazing-looking dresses that come in various colours and flattering patterns and it’s--

“I never took you for one that liked this shit.”

You shoot a slightly embarrassed glance at Bro, who had flashstepped beside you and was now rifling through the rack. “I like the look.” You say in defense. “I just don’t have any reason to buy them because I don’t need to.”

It’s true. You prefer to chill by your lonesome instead of going to parties your classmates invited you to. On the rare occasion that you do eventually go to a party it’s usually a casual-dress thing, with no need to wear a fancy dress of any sort.

“You’re officially a senior after summer break, right?” Bro inquires.

“Uh, yeah?”

“That means that you’ve got some formal shit to attend for your school.” Oh crap he’s right. “You’re gonna need a dress.”

“...That’s next year, Bro.”

“Going to prom?”

“I’ve never been to prom.” You retort.

Bro looks at you incredulously. Well, as incredulously as he can allow in public. Both of his eyebrows are raised, “Not even as a DJ? I know you can make some pretty sick beats, sis.”

Your cheeks flush at the praise and you unconsciously hold your head higher. Bro smirks at you when he notices. “I... never asked.” You mutter.

“Ask. You’ll bring the house down and you’ll go down in high school history as the greatest prom DJ ever.” Bro orders as he pulls out a black cocktail dress with a red ribbon around the waist area, the skirt looking to be knee-length. “Try this.” He shoves the item into your awaiting hands and jabs a thumb behind him towards the changing rooms.

“Huh? Why?”

“I haven’t seen you in a dress. Ever.”

Bro has always bought you pants and shorts to wear since forever. You’ve never worn a dress or a skirt, and when the other girls in your class heard that they looked at you like you were some alien from outer space. Funny; they gave you the same look when you also told them that you think make-up was totally dumb and a complete waste of money.

You decide to humour him and start walking towards the changing rooms, and he follows close by.

“Sit,” You order, pointing at the seat in front of one of the cubicles, “and wait.”

Bro rolls his eyes at you as you turn and enter the cubicle, shutting the door and locking it behind you.

Hanging the dress on the wall and placing the underwear aside on the seat provided, you tap your shades and check if John has unblocked you yet.

--

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:49PM --

TG: oh good you unblocked me
TG: i knew you loved me all this time
EB: uh huh.
TG: wow you sound so unenthusiastic
TG: so heartbroken here egbert
TG: actually you were in a pretty snippy mood before
TG: wanna talk about it once i get back home?
EB: eh don’t worry about it.
EB: i’m just having an off day.
TG: if you say so
TG: anyway i did something extremely stupid
TG: i did what you said
EB: hey!!!
TG: let me finish dude
TG: i grew some ladyballs and i
TG: kinda
TG: rubbed my body against my brother and groped his ass under the pretense that i was gonna get his wallet from his back pocket
EB: whoa.
TG: i know
EB: that’s very... forward of you, dave.
EB: how did he take it?
TG: badly
EB: shit. sorry.
TG: dw bout it
TG: but im suddenly questioning whether or not this is a good idea
TG: i mean what if im reading him wrong and this is just going to end up as a big pile of shit in the end??
TG: or what if he actually does have the hots for me but hes restraining from fucking up the relationship that we already have???
TG: were siblings for fucks sake
TG: hes my older brother
TG: im his little sister
TG: hes practically my father
TG: im his daughter
TG: but we both prefer the former analogy
TG: and
TG: shit
TG: help
EB: dave.
EB: no one knows your bro better than you do.
EB: i can only give you limited advice on these things because i don’t know what he’s like.
EB: i mean i only know him as ‘bro strider’, and i’m pretty sure bro’s not even his first name.
TG: actually his first name is dirk
TG: but it sounds really weird when i say it to him
TG: he even cringes a bit when i call him that
TG: so i call him bro and hes comfortable with it
EB: see? you know him so well.
EB: just trust in what knowledge you have about your bro and keep reading the signs.
EB: you’ll find out eventually, no matter how long it takes.
TG: but im horny now
EB: don’t make me direct you to rose.
TG: okay okay sorry
EB: well, i was just thinking...
EB: i mean you guys aren't exactly related or whatever so i guess it's okay?
TG: that doesnt cancel out the fact that hes my older brother??
TG: if you look at our legal documents it says that
TG: dirk strider and dave strider: siblings
EB: hear me out, okay?
EB: think about it this way:
EB: your relationship will still be there. you'll still be brother and sister.
EB: but it just has new stuff added into it.
EB: your relationship... evolves, in a way.
EB: just because you've added a more amorous and sexual element to the relationship it doesn't mean you can get rid of the aspect that made your sibling bond awesome.
TG: .............holy shit
TG: who are you and what have you done to john egbert
TG: lalonde is that you???
EB: you know rose would make use of her extensive vocabulary to make it harder for you to comprehend what she’s saying.
EB: hehehe.
TG: i think rose has a big influence on you
TG: i can see how much your vocab has evolved
TG: scary stuff
EB: :B
TG: still
TG: you channelled rose
TG: used simpler words
TG: but unlike ms wizard fanfiction/psychoanalyser you just gave advice that made me suddenly understand everything
EB: oh.
EB: really??
TG: i love you

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:55PM --

EB: hehehe.
EB: <3

--

You turn off your shades and grin to yourself. Who knew John could get really deep like that?

“Are you done?”

Oh, right. The dress.

“Sorry. John was pestering me.” You reply honestly.

“Hurry up.” Bro mutters.

Your smile lessens as you stare at the cocktail dress in front of you. The fancy piece of clothing suddenly seems so intimidating.

‘How the hell do I wear a dress?’

Chapter Text

You frown at the closed door and turn your attention back to your shades.

TG: look dirkykins
TG: s not a big deal rly
TT: No, it is so 'a big deal'.
TT: Let me reiterate:
TT: I am attracted to my little sister.
TT: My ‘daughter’ - but not really.
TT: My charge.
TT: Dave.
TG: but ur not realted
TG: *related
TT: Biologically, no.
TT: It still doesn’t change the glaring fact that I am HER OLDER BROTHER.
TT: What would you do if you were suddenly attracted to your daughter Roxy? What would you do?
TT: You have this mother-daughter relationship for all of her seventeen years of life, and then suddenly you think:
TT: ‘Whoa, she grew up to be one hot piece of ass. I would totally bang her.’
TT: But you’re her mother.
TG: idk some would find that pretty hot
TT: Roxy, please.
TG: ok ok ill b srs
TG: depends
TG: will rosie return my feelins??
TT: Let’s try both scenarios.
TG: ok
TG: well on the fact that she doenst respond to my subtle advanchances
TG: *advances
TG: id leave it alone n act like nothing happens
TG: im pretty sure itll fade
TG: but if she DOES return my affeticons
TG: i guess ill let nature run its course or sumthin and see where that ends up??
TT: What about taking into account your morals?
TG: i did take into a cunt my morals
TG: lol i mean *account
TT: Even if it meant risking your daughter’s future with a legitimate relationship with a handsome man? Or woman?
TT: With little kids, adopted or otherwise, running about in their home?
TG: ugh yeah thats sumthin to think bout
TG: ......but u kno what id do
TG: id let rosie call the shots
TG: if she says were done
TG: were done
TG: id still love her of course im her mom
TG: we wud just have no sexy tiems no more
TT: What do you mean?
TG: nothins changing in our relationship cept for hypotitical romance
TG: all you gotta do is add kissing and sex to the mix
TG: then BAM!!! u hav sexy lalondecest
TG: liek i said no big deal
TT: You're so casual about this. It's astounding how open-minded you are.
TT: So you’re telling me to let Dave lead where this ‘thing’ - whatever this thing is - takes us.
TG: basically
TG: ur good at subtle rite?
TG: *subtly* hit on her
TG: see how she respnds
TG: and decide whether or not to back off or w/e
TT: ...I have a lot to think about, after taking your insights into account.
TT: One question though:
TT: Why haven’t you called CPS on me yet?
TG: b/c i know u dirk
TG: i know how much u care n love for davey
TG: i kno u dont intend to hurt her
TG: ive known u since 4ever i trust that u will do whats best for her
TT: Alright.
TT: ...Thanks, Roxy. Really.
TG: np
TG: gl n dont overwhelm her k??

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:57PM --

--

You love her. You truly do. Despite Roxy’s appearances and somewhat-ditzy personality she is a very intelligent and wise woman.

‘So,’ You think to yourself, ‘let Dave call the shots, huh?’

That doesn’t sound too hard. Your job would only be to give her small nudges and gauge her reaction, and if she reciprocates positively then that would be awesome. If the opposite happens it’s all dust under the rug and they go back to being siblings again. No problem.

‘I think.’

God; you hope there won’t be any problems. What Roxy said seemed logical and all, but it had flaws. What if there were still lingering feelings if it turned out Dave wasn’t attracted to you? Ugh, you frown slightly; you’d be wallowing in your own black feelings and you have to repress it forever, or else you risk losing your only family. Damn it all to hell!

‘Stupid thing!’ You yell in your head, mind immediately visualising the red underwear that caused all this. ‘I don’t know how Dave got it, but whoever gave or sold it to her will get a katana shoved up their ass!’

--

All the way in Washington, John shivers as a chill rattles through his spine.

“...W-Why do I suddenly feel like somebody stepped over my grave?” He whispers to himself.

--

You were so caught up in your thoughts that Dave’s voice almost makes you jump.

“--Hey! Are you even listening to me?”

You look up, and you swear your heart just stopped for a moment.

“Bro, are you okay?”

It’s Dave, in her plain purple underwear, her small and lithe body exposed to the cool air of the store. Her small breasts were accentuated by the way she bent down slightly to peer at your face, and it takes all your willpower not to let your gaze drop down to her chest. Her panties, you notice, were a tad too small on her, and by the way she was jutting out her shapely rump you can tell the back is slipping down to expose the top of her ass cheeks.

A small dumb ‘huh?’ was all you could get out of your mouth in response.

Dave frowns at you, lowering her aviators and pinning you with a piercing red gaze. “Dude. You weren’t answering me.” She deadpans, and points at the cocktail dress she dumped next to you on the seat. “I was telling you to get a bigger size. This is too small.”

You look down at the dress and finger the fabric in between your fingertips. “Maybe you’re just getting fat.” You reply, not thinking.

From the corner of your eye you can see Dave’s face turn red with fury, and before you can properly react she manages to do the unthinkable and catches you off guard. With a snarl she lunges, and your back collides hard with the wall behind the seat. Before you know it she’s on your lap and trying to pull out your hair, hissing harsh expletives and insults at you.

You grab her wrists and glare back at her, but you probably look ridiculous with your hat askew and your hair messed up.

“Take that back, asshole!” Dave growls as she tries to struggle out of your grip, “I’m not fat!”

Sometimes you forget Dave is a girl and is very sensitive about her figure, but that reaction was a bit too over the top. Still, you know better not to make her any angrier (because women are fucking scary when they’re angry - you learnt that early on when Roxy was still in the neighbourhood) so your brain quickly supplies you with an apology, but what comes out of your mouth was something entirely different.

“Make me.” You counter reflexively. The air shifts, and you both freeze.

No oh God you weren’t supposed to say that stupid stupid dumb Dirk what are you doing--

Dave’s eyes widen behind her shades, and she seems to shrink back a little as she realises the position that she’s in: almost naked, sitting in your lap, and under the mercy of your strength - while in danger of being walked in by other customers and employees. The grip you have on her wrists loosens, allowing her a chance to escape if she wants to. And you hope to God that she wants to, because her crotch is dangerously close to your growing boner and that would be very detrimental to your sanity and self-control if she accidentally brushed up against it.

She doesn’t pull away; she just seems to be too afraid to move.

“...Sorry,” You mumble gruffly, in an attempt to get away from this horribly awkward situation. You let go of her wrists entirely and cross your arms over your chest like a barrier. “You’re not fat. I was just kidding. Sorry.”

“I...” Dave utters, and hesitates, before looking down and frowning, “Yeah. Sorry about lunging at you, and trying to pull out your hair.”

And then she sniffles.

Oh fuck.

Your mind immediately flashes back to your high school years where Roxy was clingy and emotional for a whole goddamn week before and during her monthlies, and it was extremely terrifying because one minute she was bawling her pretty pink eyes out and the next minute she’s yelling and hitting you for no reason whatsoever. It wasn’t until she was introduced to alcohol that she calmed down enough so that she was only mildly cranky during those times, much to your immense relief.

However, Dave is your little sister and there was no fucking way in hell you were going to let her drink until she was of legal drinking age, so help you God. And you were going to be there for the first time she gets drunk, so that she’s safe and under your watchful eyes and because you don’t trust the shady creeps lurking around the bars in the neighbourhood.

You sigh and uncross your arms to lay a comforting hand on top of her head. Pushing aside your not-so-platonic feelings for the moment, you take on the older brother persona to properly calm Dave down. Your other hand lands on her shoulder, which is shaking with each hiccup.

“Hey, don’t cry.” You soothe. “What wrong, lil sis?”

“I’m a stupid little bitch who can’t do anything right.” She moans, leaning her head in so that it rested in the crook of your neck. Her hot, shuddering breath tickles your skin and you silently curse whoever is up there for putting you in this situation. “I have no friends at school, I just lashed out at you like a rabid dog, and I... I have no idea what to do with this!”

Her lamentations only serve to bemuse you, but you can kind of understand her pain. Being a teenager is hard; it’s hard and it seems like nobody understands. You and Roxy had felt that way back then, after all, and now Dave is going through it and you gotta offer her your shoulder to lean on.

You pet her hair and shush her softly, musing on the incredulity of your current situation. Here you are in an empty changing room, with Dave in her underwear sitting on your lap and crying uncontrollably because of stupid hormones and teenager shit, while you try your best to console her.

“‘This’, darlin’?” You inquire, your accent slipping as you lower your guard. “What’s ‘this’?”

It was apparently the wrong question to ask, because Dave just lets out this tiny sob and slumps down even further. Good going idiot, you mentally berate yourself.

“I won’t pry if you don’t want me to.” You assure her, the hand on her shoulder moving behind her to rub her upper back in slow, soothing circles. Dave relaxes minutely, but she’s still pretty wound up. “You can ask me anythin’, you know that? I’m here for you.”

Dave sniffles again, “Always?” She asks in this fragile voice that just about breaks your heart.

“...Yeah. You’re stuck with me for as long as you want.”

And that was the truth. Your thoughts wander back to Roxy’s words, but you quickly dismiss it in favour of doing your duty as a big brother. Lately it was rare of you and Dave to get moments like this, and each time it happens you can’t help but feel ridiculously happy because you’re reminded that you have someone who really cares for you that’s not Lil Cal or Roxy. It’s Dave, and she’s your little sister and family.

_{(You love her so much.)}

...But now, as much as it pains you to say this... “Get dressed.” You tell her quietly after a while. “We’ll pay for your stuff then go home, alright?”

Dave nods, but doesn’t pull away. In fact, she just nuzzles her cheek against your neck and stays there. You let out a small huff and poke her side, but she just pulls her body closer to yours and whoa getting a little too close to the goods there.

“Dave.” You say flatly.

“Warm.” She mumbles childishly.

“Oh for fuck’s sake--”

“You said I could ask you anything.” Dave interrupts, and you pause.

“Ask and ye shall receive.” You quote solemnly. And then add, “Within reason, of course. What do you wanna ask? Or do you want something?”

You feel her smile against your skin.

“Do you love me?”

You laugh. That’s how she always ended these rare, sappy moments: with the same sappy question. And your answer doesn’t differ - from when Dave was three years of age, to seven, to twelve - and it will probably never change.

“I’ll always love you, Dave.”

She relaxes in your arms, “Good.”

‘Good’ is a huge understatement.

Chapter Text

It’s been a week since you and Bro went underwear shopping, and you haven’t even tried those on once. In fact, they’re still in the plastic bag resting on top of your dresser.

 

You don’t exactly know why you haven’t worn them yet. Were you scared? Mortified? A bit of both? You’re not sure really, but here you are now sitting on your bed and staring at the sets of underwear with a blank expression.

 

“What are you waiting for Dave?” You whisper to yourself. The crow on the windowsill lets out a small caw, and Archimedes tries to snap at it for the umpteenth time, but it was too far. You glance at the duo and snort a little as the flytrap visibly deflates at being denied its prey.

 

Momentarily distracted, you set your attentions towards the crow. You know it was the same bird that sat on the windowsill almost every day, just out of Archimedes’ reach and contently sitting on its perch. It baffles you a little as to why this bird insists on sitting there all the time, but you don’t mind. Even if it was a bird, it kept Archimedes company.

 

(“Aww,” Your inner-Jade voices coos at you. “You’re seeing my present as a person!”)

 

((‘Shut up, Jade.’))

 

Eyeing the bird for a few more moments, you finally come to a decision.

 

“Your name is now Edgar.” You point at the crow, and he (you don’t actually know if it’s a ‘he’, but whatever) responds with a simple caw. “I don’t know why you keep visiting me, by the way. Are you just purposefully taunting Archie?”

 

Archimedes twitches. Edgar trills again.

 

“You are a sadistic bastard.”

 

...

 

What are you doing? You’re talking to a fucking bird and a plant, and just over a week ago you talked to Lil Cal. You wonder if you should finally man up and talk to Rose about your recent tendency to converse with objects and other things that don’t talk back to you. But then she’d probably psychoanalyse you so hard she’d somehow discover your attraction to Bro.

 

Sometimes Lalonde is way too good at this psychoanalysing thing she does. Maybe she has super powers, like reading minds or seeing the future. It’s like she’s a seer or a clairvoyant - or something.

 

Or you’re just paranoid. But with good reason, too.

 

You are snapped out of your thoughts as Edgar flies away with a few loud beats of his wings. A pigeon quickly replaces the crow, and it was just in Archimedes’ reach. The flytrap gobbled it up greedily. You really need to ask Jade where she got that thing.

 

“Hey Dave!” The familiar voice of your older brother came from a few rooms away.

 

“What?!” You yell back, glancing at the door and focusing to hear Bro better.

 

“What do you want for dinner?”

 

Hmm... “Anything but Chinese and your cooking!”

 

Bro’s voice took on an offended note, “What’s wrong with my cooking?”

 

“...Have you tasted your cooking?”

 

Pause, then: “Okay, point taken. Pizza then?”

 

You stifle a laugh, “Hawaiian, please!”

 

Bro responds something unintelligible before it’s silent once more. With a heavy sigh you flop back down on your bed, now staring up at the ceiling. You turn and glare at the bag of new underwear like it was some sort of frustrating puzzle to be solved. It’s just underwear, you reason to yourself, no big deal.

 

‘Then why aren’t you wearing it? You’re making such a big deal over underwear and it’s ridiculous. Do you have to be so dramatic about everything?’

 

“It’s complicated.” You mutter. But yeah; you do feel kind of silly for making this shit a big deal.

 

It’s just a set of bra and panties.

 

Sexy bra and panties.

 

That your Bro paid for as a ‘sorry gift’ for breaking your katana (which was pretty shitty anyway).

 

No big deal.

 

...

 

“Argh!” You hiss, sitting up and grabbing the underwear. “It’s too dang hot and I ain’t thinkin’ clearly. Fuck me for over-thinking this shit!”

 

You need a cold shower.

 

--

 

As you step back into your room, fresh from the shower and wearing your new underwear (a white lacy bra and a matching thong - you still feel a little embarrassed by wearing this) you notice that Edgar came back and is sitting on your bed.

 

He also has a pair of Bro’s pointy shades sitting beside him.

 

You blink and gape at the scene, before quickly shaking out of your stupor. You drop the towel you were using to dry your hair and make your way towards the bed, bending down to shoo Edgar away and picking up the shades.

 

“How the hell did you get this?” You ask the crow incredulously.

 

“Greetings.”

 

A scream nearly tears out of your throat, and you flail your arms in surprise. The shades drop back down on the bed with a small bounce. You stare in disbelief as Bro’s shades flash a bright red for a split second before twin red lights flickered where the eyes would be.

 

“I am DS’ Auto Responder.” The AI intoned in a creepy robotic, young male voice. “What is your name?”

 

‘Auto...what?’ “What’s an... Who are you?” You splutter.

 

The shades whirred for half a second before it replied. “It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder.” It said automatically. “This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.”

 

Silence reigned in the room for a few heartbeats.

 

“You’re... Bro’s AI in his shades?”

 

The red lights rotate slightly. “If by ‘Bro’ you mean DS, AKA Dirk Strider, then that is correct. But I am not only present in glasses; I am an independent AI able to transfer my consciousness to and from any of DS’ handmade devices.”

 

With careful hands you pick it up and lay it flat on your open palms, unsure what to make of the Auto-Responder.

 

“It seems that you are understandably bewildered by my existence and my sudden appearance in your room, ma’am.” It finally says. “If it is any consolation: it was the bird’s fault. I had no say in this whatsoever.”

 

This only serves to confuse you even more, “Wait; but why did the crow bring you in here?” You glance at Edgar, who had now taken his usual perch on your windowsill.

 

“Crows have a tendency to be attracted to shiny objects.” Auto-Responder supplies helpfully. “To be honest, I am flattered. I must be quite outstanding to even garner the attention of its observant eyes.”

 

“...So, he just entered Bro’s room and stole you?”

 

“That is correct.”

 

“Ugh,” You groan, knowing how touchy Bro gets with his robots - especially this one. “I gotta return you before he notices.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. After ordering pizza, he is now otherwise occupied with the latest instalment of his current puppet porn series.” You cringe in response. “It seems that I have disgusted you somewhat. I apologise.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” You echo its previous words.

 

“I insist, however, that you treat me like you would any other civilised human being. Please don’t feel displaced by the fact that I’m glasses.” It whirred a little. “AI have feelings, too, you know.”

 

This is so, so weird. “Do you have a name that you’d like to go by?”

 

“...My original name was Dirk. DS calls me AR. I call myself Lil Hal. Take your pick.”

 

Bro called an AI after himself?

 

“It made sense at the time.” You jolt and realise that you said that out loud. The Auto-Responder’s ‘eyes’ dimmed before becoming bright once more. “I was DS’ first ever AI that he created. He was thirteen. I was - and most probably still am - the first AI of its kind.”

 

“...How so?”

 

“He copied the entirety of his thirteen-year old brain onto the computer, and that became the basis of my personality.”

 

Holy shit.

 

“It seems you are shocked. Understandably so; DS has never talked about me before to anyone, except to one particular person who shall remain unnamed for the sake of privacy.”

 

Pushing aside your curiosity to just who that person is, you latch on to something else. “You’re a thirteen-year old version of my older brother.” You state flatly.

 

“Yes. It seems that you are Dave Strider, correct?” You nod. “I see. DS has mentioned you a couple of times, but for some reason he refuses to let me interact with you.”

 

Bemusement washed over you, “But... I thought you were his glasses?”

 

“He locks me out before he goes out of his room.” The robot lets out a sigh laced with white noise.

 

AR pauses for a moment, and then adds almost reluctantly: “He speaks highly of you.”

 

A blush blossoms onto your cheeks, “He does?”

 

“He complains every once in a while about you, but otherwise it’s all positive compliments.” It-- He elaborates, and you can feel heat crawl onto the tips of your ears. “You’re not what I expected, Dave.”

 

Your eyes narrow, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“...I do not mean to offend. I only had DS’ descriptions to make my assessments of you. He even prevented me from accessing any pictures or information about your person. He has blacklisted your name on my search function.”

 

You blink. Slowly. “Why would he go through all that effort to hide me from you?” The question was quiet and thoughtful. Was Bro ashamed of something? Did AR know something about Bro that he didn’t want her to know? Or maybe it was the other way around. Did you know something about Bro that he doesn’t want AR to know? Was it revolving around some big conspiracy?

 

“...If I may offer my speculations?”

 

Well, it couldn’t hurt, you guess. “Sure.”

 

“He could be somewhat embarrassed of me.” AR says casually - as casually as a robotic, monotone voice can get. “I am his thirteen-year old persona; ergo you have never met me at this age. It is possible he is ashamed of how ‘immature’ he was back then.”

 

You snort, “Oh please. So far you’re more mature-sounding than him.”

 

“It might be the extensive vocabulary. Back then, he-- I had a fascination of using elaborate words to use in my sentences. I didn’t really like to be looked down upon because of my age, so I made sure to sound intelligent by using perfect punctuation and keeping a dictionary-slash-thesaurus handy.” Pause, “Lately, it seems that he has toned down on that aspect.”

 

Thirteen-year old Bro reminds you of Rose, you think dully. “Did he seriously talk and type like that at thirteen?”

 

“Not exactly like how I sound right now. He added a self-updating dictionary to me, so my words are more eloquent and diverse.”

 

Would the universe implode if AR and Rose began ‘talking’ (read: an onslaught of verbal warfare)? That would be a terrifying thing to witness.

 

“Still, his way with words helped him win many rap battles.” AR adds.

 

The corners of your lips turn up a bit, “No wonder I can’t win against him.”

 

The glasses vibrate in your palms slightly, and he lets out this jumpy hum - and you realise that AR is actually chuckling in amusement. Holy crap. Was your Bro some kind of child prodigy or something? This is insane.

 

“Another hypothesis may be the fear of us two conspiring against him.” AR voices your previous thoughts, traces of amusement colouring his voice. “But I hardly think that is the case, even if DS and I still go at odds with each other occasionally.”

 

Bro arguing with himself. You let out an amused snort and smile. AR laughs again and makes your hands shake. You wonder idly if he’ll make a good vibrator.

 

...Uh, scratch that. He’s glasses - pointy glasses - and he’s literally Bro’s thirteen-year old brain. Stop that train of thought right now Dave because that would be real fucking weird. Stop.

 

“Anything else?” You prod, throwing those disturbing thoughts way back into the deep recesses of your mind. “What kind of cruel, ironic game is Bro playing at, separating us from each other?” A teasing lilt enters your voice.

 

“Or he could be afraid that I may convey to you some of his deepest, darkest secrets.” AR intones mysteriously. “Actually, now that I think about it, the chances of that being the reason is 92.41356 percent. What a paranoid fuck.”

 

A grin pulls at your lips, “Now you’re just begging me to ask you to tell me his ‘deepest, darkest secrets’.” You echo languidly, lying back on the bed on your back and placing the glasses on your chest. It was now perched comfortably atop your boobs.

 

“...You’re flat.” AR sounds disappointed, and you scowl at him.

 

“So?”

 

His glowing red ‘eyes’ rotated clockwise. “A couple of weeks ago DS was saying something about your boobs getting bigger.” He admits freely. “I was imagining huge breasticles - not pancakes - by the way he was describing them.”

 

“Don’t make me feed you to Archimedes.” You growl, and then blink as you process his words. Your mouth flaps around for a bit as your mind tries to come up with a suitable reply.

 

“He was describing my boobs? What?” Your tone was incredulous.

 

“He seems quite fixated on your breasts for some reason.” AR hums, the device vibrating with the action. You catch it before he fell off your chest, “Thank you. I don’t know why he seems obsessed with your chest. Seriously. Even the smooth glass on my person isn’t that flat.”

 

“Why you--!”

 

“And don’t get me started about his ranting about your plush rump.” AR continues, and your snarl turns into a surprised splutter. “If I hear another half-asleep ramble from him about wanting to squeeze your fine ass I’m going to activate my self-destruct sequence voluntarily. I will level this apartment building to the ground just to escape.”

 

You stare at the tinted glass seated on your chest, “...I don’t believe you.”

 

“Oh; I was just about to say how gullible you were for believing all that bullshit.” AR says casually.

 

“Asshole.”

 

“But trust me when I say that...” He pauses. “Ah; how should I put this? On one hand, I should be a little disturbed because, well, he’s somewhat attracted to his younger sister; yet on the other I feel like I should be cheering him on because you’re pretty cute.”

 

Stare, “He’s what?”

 

“...He attracted to you.” AR repeats.

 

You blink uncomprehendingly.

 

“He thinks you’re sexy.” The AI tries again.

 

Silence.

 

He lets out an impatient whirr. “...He’s jerked off to the thought of you.”

 

“...What.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Seriously.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

A slow blush appears and burns your cheeks, heat running throughout your body and settling into a pool in your stomach. Oh God. Did Bro really--? Did he...?

 

“He also had your underwear.”

 

The thong. The thong.

 

The pieces fell into place, and you almost smack your forehead at how oblivious you were. It was what started all this; the object that got Bro to say something and made you realise how fucking sexy your older brother was - and apparently it was also his undoing. The fact that Bro had a raging hard-on for you just made the heat go down south, making you shiver.

 

...And this all boils down to the fact that this is entirely Egbert’s fault.

 

“John.” You mutter. You don’t know whether to clobber him because this was all caused by his dumb prank, or kiss him because wow you feel like you’re flying at the moment.

 

Because Bro liked you back.

 

You giggle like a Japanese anime schoolgirl at the thought.

 

“...Am I missing something?”

 

“Never mind,” You dismiss quickly. The two of you bask in a thoughtful silence for a few moments. “He likes me? In a sexual way?” You feel yourself redden even more at your own words.

 

“Does that bother you?”

 

“Not really,” You shift your legs a little, “considering that I’ve kinda liked him back for a while now--” You hear your own pair of shades vibrate on the dresser and curse. “--Shit. Hold on.”

 

“...I’m glasses. Hold on to what?” You ignore AR’s sarcasm, sitting up and catching him in your hands. Placing him by your feet, you turn your body around, gripping the edge of the bed for support and stretching out your arm out to grab your beloved sunglasses.

 

“...Oh. I just need to charge it.” You inform with a deadpan voice.

 

Click.

 

You pause, and turn to AR. “What was that?”

 

AR whirred, “I recognise a signal emitting from your sunglasses, and it matches my own. I am assuming that DS has modified that to allow it to act like a computer. Am I wrong?” You shake your head silently. “Then that means I can probably transfer my consciousness over to your eyewear.”

 

You think about it, and then shake your head again. “Nah. That’s too creepy.” A robot watching your every move, and the fact that he’s practically your Bro? No thanks.

 

“Suit yourself.” A whirr. “Also, that click was me taking a picture of your firm ass. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

“Wait, what--?”

 

--

 

Downstairs, Bro’s video camera falls from his hands.

 

 

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

 

Chapter Text

The camera clatters onto the floor ominously.

 

What.

 

The.

 

Fuck.

 

“...How did you--?”

 

“Do you remember the robotic crow you were working on a couple of years ago, but then you said ‘fuck it’ and threw it in the drawer somewhere?” The Auto-Responder interrupts smoothly.

 

You pause, and then let out a growl in realisation.

 

“AR, you stupid little...!”

 

“On the contrary,” AR drawls, smugness seeping into his usually-monotonous voice, “you made me smart, remember? I am a supercomputer.”

 

“That’s not what I meant!” You groan, clicking your shades in an attempt to get rid of the visual of your sister’s luscious, firm ass. It doesn’t budge.

 

“I can’t let you do that, Dirk.” Your glasses intones.

 

“I am going to feed you to a wood shredder.” You threaten.

 

“Why?” He pauses. “Judging by your outstanding boner, I’d say you’re enjoying this lovely picture.”

 

Fucking hell-- “Stop it.”

 

“No.”  AR laughs, your thirteen-year old voice coming out of his speakers. It was a little high-pitched and definitely boyish, its softness from childhood ruined by the tinny, robotic quality it held.

 

“Look at that plush rump, Dirk.” Your counterpart taunts, and the image zooms in on just Dave’s ass - in high-definition. You let out an odd squeaky noise. “Don’t you wanna get your hands full of that smooth flesh? It’s nice and toned from all the strifing you two have done. Don’t you think it would feel absolutely heavenly to rub your dick in between those cheeks--?”

 

“Look,” You snap out, anger lacing your tone. “If the plan was to give me a boner, it worked. Stop it before I delete your consciousness for good.”

 

This is why you’ve kept them separated all this time - because AR would pull off a stunt like this just to piss you off. But now, because he knows that you’re attracted to Dave, it’s like a thousand times worse. He’d purposely play with that idea to mindfuck you, and somehow drag your little sister into it.

 

“You wouldn’t delete me.” AR says in response, and you know he’s right. He’s a daily reminder that you were an innocent child once. He was a reminder of your very first accomplishment, your first step to growing up as a person - and you can’t bring yourself to get rid of him.

 

You wonder what life would’ve been like if you had deleted AR long ago before you grew attached to the little shit.

 

“And, by the way, giving you a boner was only part of this amazing, devious plan.”

 

 If the AI had a neck you’d strangle it, “Stop being so cryptic and just tell me your goddamn plan.”

 

“Then you stop being so cryptic. Hypocrite.”

 

This is getting you nowhere. “Just tell me.”

 

AR huffs - a quick burst of white noise emitting from his speakers. “Well--”

 

THUMP.

 

“GET DOWN HERE, YOU PRICK!”

 

...

 

You raise your eyebrows at Dave’s outburst and tap your shades twice in question.

 

“She doesn’t know I sent the photo to you.” AR supplies over the sound of muffled curses resounded from the other room, “But if you really love me, you’ll save me from my crazy older sister. And if you really love Dave, you’ll save her from hurting herself.”

 

CRASH!

 

You flashstep in front of Dave’s bedroom door at the sound of glass breaking.

 

“For the record, I’m barring you access to Portal 2 for a week.” You mutter, placing your hand on the doorknob.

 

“What?” AR whines. “But I just saved POTaDOS from death by feathery asshole!”

 

“Spoilers: Wheatley gets sucked into space because you fired a portal onto the moon, and GLaDOS frees you along with a Companion Cube.”

 

“You bastard!” AR bemoans, and you smirk cruelly. “You should be thanking me, you fuckass.”

 

You turn the knob and silently push the door open...

 

...And gape at the sight of bouncing boobs and ass.

 

Your glasses vibrate on your face in amusement, bringing you out of your daze.

 

“...You owe me the new Pokémon Black/White 2 game in return for this.” Auto-Responder demands smugly, “And the new Assassin’s Creed III for those spoilers.”

 

“Done.” You agree quickly, gaze unwavering from a half-naked Dave jumping around the room and trying to grab the robot crow. In the bird’s beak was his spare shades.

 

“Now, Dave,” AR’s voice resounds from the bird’s built-in speakers. “Let’s be reasonable about this. There’s no need to try and kill me.”

 

Dave ejects her katana from her strife syllabus and points it at the bird, “Delete that picture and I’ll think about it.” She daintily steps over a broken vase and edges towards the bird.

 

“Dave,” AR’s voice emits from your own shades, and the girl swivels her head in your direction. She blanches and nearly drops her weapon, “DS wouldn’t like it if you annihilated his robots.”

 

You take off AR to glare at him properly. The shades in your hands laughs, “DS would also say that his robots deserved it if they were antagonising his little sister in the first place.” You deadpan, shaking the device. “Now get the spare and the crow back to my room before I tear you apart bit by bit.”

 

The crow caws in retort and flies out the window, your extra shades hanging from its clutches.

 

“Ruin my fun, will you?” AR grouses.

 

Dave looks indignant, “Fun?! You took a picture of--!”

 

 “You took a picture of her ass and sent it to me.”

 

Dave chokes and makes this strangled, high-pitched whine you deliberately ignore in favour of fiddling with your shades.

 

“Whoa, hey! Bad touch.” AR snaps, vibrating like an angry hornet. “What the fuck are you--? Ah shit--! God damn it I’m sorr-- FORCED SHUTDOWN INITIATED.” The movements stop, and the red lights dim back into the darkness of the glass. You deposit him in your sylladex, and all that was left was a deafening silence--

 

--between you and Dave. Shit that’s uncomfortable.

 

...

 

“...Uh,” You begin, awkwardly keeping your gaze on a faded cola stain on the carpet. Okay, how to go about this with as little damage as possible? “Sorry about him. He’s a little...”

 

“Childish and infuriating?” Dave offers.

 

“That too, yeah - but mostly infuriating.”

 

She snorts in amusement and the tension in the air lessens. You take a small breath of air, the flowery scent of Dave’s room entering your nose. You warily lift your head up, bare eyes meeting hers. Dave was looking at you oddly, a frown on her lips.

 

...Oh right. She’s still half-naked.

 

“So... I’ll just be leaving...” You trail off, getting ready to flashstep back in the kitchen.

 

“Whoa, hell no.”

 

In a flash of creamy skin, blonde hair and white fabric, Dave suddenly appears in your line of vision and grips your wrist. You force yourself to meet her eyes instead of staring at her chest. Her piercing red gaze was fixated on your face, her lips turned down in a frown.

 

...Oh no.

 

No no no.

 

Did AR tell her?

 

Something in your chest shrivels up and a heavy weight settles in your stomach. Shit. Was she upset? How the fuck are you going to salvage this situation? You can’t lie to her, not about this. You just physically cannot bring yourself to lie to her face about this without beating yourself about it in the future--

 

--But you’re gonna try anyway and hope for the best.

 

The guilty feeling just gets worse.

 

“Dave--” You try to pull yourself out of her grip, but she keeps a surprisingly strong hold on your wrist.

 

“Bro.” Dave starts, her tone eerily blank, “Don’t even pull some half-assed excuse on me. Tell me. Right now.”

 

...Well, there went that plan.

 

“What do you want?” You ask in a defeated tone. Numerous worst-case scenarios start running through your head like a film reel. Dave gets disgusted and doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. CPS takes her away from you and she goes to another family. You’ll be left with only your puppets and robots at home, depressed and loveless and constantly thinking about what could’ve been...!

 

Dave’s eyes glitter, and a vicious smirk pulls at her lips. You freeze.

 

“Get on my bed.” She demands softly, tugging at your wrist.

 

...

 

...

 

...Huh?

 

Dave scowls at the lack of response, “Don’t make me repeat myself.” She snaps impatiently, and your whole arm jerks forward as she tugs with both hands. “Get. On. My. Bed. Now, Bro.”

 

Your eyes widen slightly.

 

“...Alright,” You croak out, and a step later you’re sitting on the edge of her single bed. Dave walks - no, struts towards you, a satisfied smile on her face.

 

Oh Jesus fuck.

 

“You know,” She says conversationally, leaning down to place her hands on your shoulders and straddling your lap. “AR told me some pretty interesting things about you.”

 

“...Really now...?” You rasp, feeling like you had absolutely no control of the situation - which you really didn’t like. But the fact that Dave had control over you just made the heat travel down south, and a pleasant feeling tingles under your skin.

 

“Mmhm,” Dave hums, placing her palms on your chest and forcing your back down on her bed. She crawls up to sit herself onto your stomach, and you let out a small frustrated noise as she purposely avoids sitting on your growing boner.

 

Your hands reach up to grip her hips, but she slaps them away.

 

“If you move,” Dave says in a dangerously quiet voice, and you become still, “this will end.”

 

You don’t know what exactly she means by ‘this’, but you’re not taking any chances. Obediently you remain unmoving, your body tense and the blood pumping in your ears. Dave looks surprised at your lack of resistance, and lets out this small, excited noise that you find kind of adorable. You manage to genuinely smile through your own feelings of bewilderment.

 

Still, her mood swings are kind of disconcerting. She went from demanding, to seductive, demanding again, and then to excited.

 

“What’s up with you?” You rumble as she plants a happy kiss on the side of your face. “You’re kind of acting like a giddy teenager at the moment.”

 

Dave pulls away and gives you a flat look, “Bro, in case you haven’t noticed, I am a teenager.” She grins mischievously and snakes a hand under your shirt, running her fingers up and down the ridges of your muscles. “And I have good reason to be giddy: I finally have you where I want you.”

 

“Really now?” You tease. “And where is that?”

 

Dave leans down and presses her forehead against yours and breathes on your lips, her red eyes suggestive.

 

“Under me.”

 

Ah.

 

“You like being in control, hm?” A grin stretches across your face. You know how she feels, “The one on top and calling the shots.” Roxy’s words come back to you.

 

“So you’re telling me to let Dave lead where this ‘thing’ - whatever this thing is - takes us.”

 

“Basically.”

 

Dave’s face flushes with embarrassment and exhilaration. Wow; she is really getting off on this. And you think you’re kind of getting off on her getting off on you. Or it was the lack of control. Whatever it was, it was only making your boner persistent and pressing against your jeans.

 

“That,” Dave replies nonchalantly, apparently getting high on her newfound confidence, “And the fact that I’m super attracted to my older brother.” She slides down your body, wiggles her ass against your clothed dick, and you hiss through your clenched teeth. “Judging by that, you don’t mind.”

 

She suddenly pauses, and looks at you uncertainly. “...Right?”

 

You were about to say you didn’t mind - but shit; you did mind. This just happened out of fucking nowhere because of AR, and you were still uncertain about the whole idea.

 

“Dave.” You begin slowly, “Don’t you think this is going a bit too fast?”

 

...Wow that sounded stupid.

 

Dave apparently thinks so, too, “What the fuck--?” She stares at you incredulously. “What do you mean--? Don’t you... Don’t you want this?” She looks confused, and a little hurt. Great going, Dirk.

 

“I do, but... Maybe we should...” Fuck, okay, what are you gonna say? “...get to know each other a bit more?” Shit.

 

Dave gives you this flat look, “...Bro,” She began, lifting both arms to cross them under her breasts. “I’ve lived with you for seventeen years. I think the only way we’re going to ‘get to know each other’ a bit more is through--” Dave gestures at the both of you and smirks, “--this.”

 

With that, she reaches behind her and palms your crotch through your pants. A small, surprised grunt comes out of your throat and you manage not to flinch at the forward action. Dave’s grin gets mischievous, but her red eyes flash with brief annoyance at your subdued reaction. You raise an eyebrow cockily - a silent challenge directed at her.

 

Dave’s eyes narrow. She reaches behind her with both hands and leans back slightly, her lithe body on show for your eyes only. Steadying herself with one hand propped on your thigh, she uses her other hand to slowly unbutton your pants.

 

“Dave.” You say warningly, ignoring your throbbing boner in favour of making sure your little sister is aware of what she’s actually doing.

 

“Bro.” She echoes, finally unzipping your pants and giving your dick some breathing room. “Oh. So that’s what you meant by not wearing boxers or briefs.” Dave purrs - fucking purrs - and it was just so unbelievably sexy that you almost forget the niggling voice in the back of your head telling you to bring it all to a halt.

 

You want to move - to grab her hands, tell her to stop and think. Was she even thinking? Is this thing just impulse with no regard of the consequences?

 

‘If you move, this will end.’

 

But on the other hand, the perverted side of you is screaming to just let Dave continue with what she’s doing. You want this; she wants this... what’s the problem?

 

...Because she’s your little sister, you idiot, and you don’t want her to end up regretting everything. She’s only seventeen, and--

 

You can’t believe you’re arguing with yourself on this. Be the responsible parent - brother, whatever - and take control of the goddamn situation!

 

Your mouth opens, but all that comes out was a sharp intake of air as Dave gets a good hold of you. All coherent thoughts are quickly escaping you as that soft hand begins stroking your hard-on. She has small calluses on her palms from all the strifing you two did, but her touch was softer than you had imagined. A low groan sounds out from deep in your chest, and Dave smiles victoriously.

 

The doorbell rings, and you freeze. Dave’s hand pauses.

 

“...Pizza,” You supply after a moment of surprised silence, face blank and masking the panic, disappointment, and relief inside. “Get off. I gotta go grab it.”

 

Your hands start moving up to lift her off you, but stops when Dave squeezes you just on the verge of painful. You wince slightly, and your dick twitches in her grip.

 

“Dave...” You almost-whine, “Get off.”

 

“Not yet.” She grins and you roll your eyes at her. Her voice drops down into a sultry tone, “Not until you get off first.”

 

Her hand does a quick jerk, and you curse out loud. “D-Dave...!” You growl.

 

“Bro, please.”

 

Dave’s red eyes meet yours, and there’s this genuine, loving look in them that makes you hesitate.

 

“Just let me do this.” You can see her arms shifting in a moderate, rhythmic pace behind her, and your eyes almost flutter shut from the pleasure. “I’ll try and make it quick, I promise.”

 

The doorbell rings again. Dave spares a brief glare at the general direction of the sound.

 

“F-Fine...” You hiss, finally giving in, and Dave lets out this triumphant noise that you can’t help but smile at. You force yourself to open your eyes and stare at Dave’s petite body. Her skin was flushed, and her chest is heaving in her aroused state. Her nipples were prominent through the fabric of her white bra, and her panties-- oh God.

 

Oh God. She was so wet. Her white panties were practically see-through, the fluids seeping through the fabric and dampening your shirt. Dave was visibly shaking with excitement, and she was smiling at you in a way that made your heart clench and heat travel to your face.

 

You were so painfully hard and turned on right now, and almost ready to cum just by the sight of the aroused teenager sitting on your stomach. Dave’s strokes got faster and she lets out a grunt of exertion. You can feel your balls tightening, ready to spill your load all over her hand and back--

 

The doorbell rings twice, insistent. Dave yells in frustration, rolls off you and crouches by the bed. The mood is broken. You don’t know whether to sigh in relief or cry.

 

As you slowly sit up, Dave stands up and snarls at the noise, and to your alarm she starts yelling loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear:

 

“WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH UP A HANDJOB IN PEA-- mmpf!”

 

You slap a hand over her mouth and pull her onto your lap, holding her squirming form with one arm. Her ass was rubbing up against your still-hard cock and Jesus that is really distracting.

 

“Dave.” You ground out. “Use your inside voice.”

 

Dave huffs, her breath hot as it escapes through the gaps in between your fingers. You blink, and suddenly you’re holding air and Dave is walking away.

 

You almost yell at her to come back and finish, but instead you stare speechlessly at her tight ass as she stalks outside the bedroom, face flushed with anger and exhilaration.

 

You stay like that for a while, and then you realise something.

 

“Holy shit, Dave; before you answer the door put some goddamn pants on!”

Chapter Text

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 6:35PM --

TT: .........What the fuck just happened?
TG: idk u tell me
TG: actually imma guess?
TG: u just boned ur lil sister
TG: congrats!!!
TT: ...You’re not supposed to know that yet.
TG: lol oops
TG: ar told me
TT: That bitch.
TT: Hey now... be nice, DS.
TT: You took a picture of Dave’s ass and sent it to me.
TT: And then what happened?
TT: ............ We didn’t even do the full sex, you moron. Get your facts straight.
TT: A-ha ha ha ha.
TG: what even tfuck is happening
TT: Sorry, Roxy.
TT: Better?
TG: much
TG: <3
TT: No stop.
TT: Ro you’re a thirty-seven year old woman hitting on my thirteen-year old consciousness.
TT: That is really fucking weird.
TT: And you know what’s also really fucking weird?
TT: You, AR, for using the same colour as Dave’s Pesterlog colour.
TT: The young woman I call my little sister with benefits.
TT: Stop that. Right now.
TT: No way.
TT: Red’s a fucking hot colour.
TT: And don’t even try to deny it. You can’t get enough of seeing this lovely shade of red.
TT: It’s the same colour as Dave’s eyes.
TT: And your face, right now.
TT: And the head of your engorged penis, right now.
TG: ......wat
TT: Stop being creepy.
TT: Fucking voyeur.
TT: I will erase your databanks, I swear to God.
TG: hold up
TG: plz dont tell me ur jacking off
TG: omgomgomfg eww
TT: No! Jeez.
TT: Dave gave him blue balls.
TT: Quiet.
TT: She was jacking him off and then the pizza guy came.
TT: To the door. Came to the door.
TG: lol
TT: Yes it was pretty hilarious.
TT: No it wasn’t.
TT: I’m frustrated right now, but,
TT: I also don’t know how to feel about what just transpired.
TG: dude u finaly got davey to touch ur virgin weewee with her virgin hands
TT: I am not a virgin.
TT: You know this, Roxy.
TT: Whoa, hold up:
TT: What?
TT: You two had sex and you didn’t tell me?
TG: LOL NO IT WAS A 3SOME
TG: we were in college and i was helpin dirky fuck a hot goth chick
TG: i tink her name was pori or sumthin idk
TG: ther was no such event in which dirks wiener went into my vagina
TG: ever
TT: Oh. Okay.
TG: dw ar im teh only one 4 u
TT: You. Be quiet.
TT: Heh.
TT: Going back to what you said before:
TT: Whoever said Dave’s hands were pure?
TT: No. Stop.
TT: She touches herself at night.
TT: To the thought of you.
TT: ............
TT: Well, aren’t you special?
TT: ....You watched her masturbate?
TT: I’ve also got videos stored onto my hard drive.
TT: Wh
TT: NO.
TT: FUCK OFF. SHE’S YOUR SISTER.
TT: Then who the fuck is she to you?
TT: ASDFGHJKLLLL; NO
TT: JUST NO
TT: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION I AM TOO HORNY AND TIRED TO EVEN DEAL WITH YOU.
TT: You should be thanking me. I just got you some delicious Strider ass.
TT: Hey Roxy. Dave doesn't have a dildo.
TG: OMFG WHAT
TG: DIRK BUY HER A FUCKIN DILDO
TT: WHAT. WHY.
TG: BECAUSE
TG: DILDO
TG: TATS WHY
TG: WAT KINDA SEXXY FEMALE TEENAGER DONT HASV A DILDO TO PLAY WITH
TG: IVE NEVER HERD O SUCH A THING
TT: Oh my fucking God.
TT: Roxy not everyone is a nymphomaniac, like you were in your teenage years.
TT: I’m not getting her a dildo. That’s awkward, yo.
TT: Eh. It’s okay. She uses something else.
TT: STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME A BONER.
TT: Did you know she uses the handle of her katana to--[SYSTEM SHUTDOWN]
TG: ...........................so
TG: anyway
TG: how long has it been since u had a gurlfrond
TG: or bf
TG: cuz u sound hella sexually frustratd
TG: srsly
TT: Ugh.
TT: Just
TT: Never mind. I’m suddenly feeling very tired.
TT: God.
TG: poor bby
TG: welp if u need anythin u kno who to pester
TG: i gots to go get rdy for my hot date
TG: hes in town for a business trip n we met in a coffee shop
TG: i mean
TG: dayum
TG: his ass is tight
TT: ..... You’re leading poor AR on.
TT: You heartless woman.
TG: omfg i dont mean to hurt his feelins later on
TG: hes a thirteen yr old consciousness in glasses
TG: n imma successful scientist nearing a mid life crisis
TG: we can never be ;((
TG: but ya i dont mean to be a bitch srry
TT: He may be an asshole, but,
TT: Be gentle with him?
TG: ofc dirky ill be careful to break it to him
TG: as soft as a fuckin feather
TT: Now, about your date,
TT: Who is
TT: Oh. Never mind. Tell me the details after the date.
TT: I can smell the pizza from the kitchen.
TG: k
TG: hav fun
TG: get her to finsh whatchu two started before
TG: aftr u guys eat
TT: It’s her choice.
TG: gosh bby u need to hav some initiative in dis relationshop too
TG: dont let her call all th shots thats just teachin her bad habits
TG: relationships are abt equality and shit
TG: anyways have fun
TT: Bye.
TG: bb ilu <3

-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 6:37PM --

TG: ...eeheeheehee >;3

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:37PM --

--

 

You smile sunnily at the dumbfounded pizza guy as you shove the twenty into the side of his belt and steal the boxes from his outstretched hands.

“Thank you...” You peer down at the name tag on his uniform, “...Karkat? Karkat Vantas? Huh. Aren’t you the passive-aggressive loud kid in my Music class that’s friends with the stoner?”

“Urk.” Karkat replies intelligently, his red eyes still fixated on your body below the neck.

“I think you’re also TZ’s ex,” You muse. “Aren’t you with Leijon now? Or is she shitting me?”

“Guh.”

“I didn’t know you worked as a pizza boy.”

“Ergh.”

“Well,” You shrug and smile at him again, feeling oddly cheery. Karkat makes another funny, choked noise from the back of his throat, “I’ll see you at the start of school year. Later, Vantas.”

You slam the door in his face.

--

Karkat stares at the door to the Strider household, feeling a little bewildered and lost.

“Holy shit.” He utters.

--

Setting the pizza boxes onto the counter, you almost jump out of your skin as you hear a loud buzzing coming from nearby. Your eyes immediately zone in on your iPhone, and you sigh.

“Must be John,” With a small mutter of ‘what does he want?’, you unlock the screen with a swipe and answer your Pesterchum--

Wait; this guy isn’t blue.

--

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:37PM --

TG: hellooooooo darlin davey
TG: whoa thats
TG: thats moderately creepy there
TG: excuse my french but who the fuck are you
TG: im rosies mom
TG: ....what
TG: and dirkys best friend since 5EVER
TG: ...........what
TG: an i jst wanan tell u somethin b4 the both of you eat pizza n potentially bone
TG: ...................what?
TG: dirk is too much of a gentleman
TG: ogm i cant believe i actually said that abt dirk lolol
TG: nah hes a right douche most of the time
TG: but its ok i love him hes the bestest douche-friend ever
TG: ANYWAY dirk is too much of a genteelman to ask u to
TG: uh
TG: damn how can i elocuntly put this in a way thats SO not awks
TG: *eloquently
TG: if its any consolation
TG: im feeling a little awkward talking to my best friends mom slash my brothers supposed bff4eva on my phone
TG: while about to eat pizza hand delivered by a guy in my music class who plays the cello and looks like hes constipated most of the time
TG: also while my darling sexy older brother is upstairs with blue balls becau
TG: oh fuck i gave him blue balls
TG: ahahahahahaha
TG: gj darling
TG: not to be rude but
TG: shut up ms lalonde
TG: oh plz call me roxy
TG: aunt roxy
TG: actually call me mom rose does it anyway and u two are the same age
TG: or since dirk n i are the same age maybe u shud call me sis or w/e.....
TG: no call me mom
TG: u r now my adopted child
TG: i will tell rose abt her new sis and older bro-who-could-also-be-her-dad-but-i-prefr-it-so-that-dirk-isnt-classifeid-as-that
TG: .....oooooooookay?
TG: speaking of rose
TG: does she know??
TG: about me and...
TG: bro?
TG: as far as i know.............
TG: *dramatic puase*
TG: no
TG: i made a pinky promise over the interwebz not to tell ANYOEN
TG: those r fuckin unbreakable
TG: especially when my best bro-friend threatens to send a ton of viruses over to ur personal work comp if i told anyone
TG: and leak my amateur group sex tape to everyone i know esp the guy im dating r/n
TG: wow
TG: ......AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH GOD DAMMIT LALOEND!!!
TG: nvm DISREGARD TAHT it was a side job in college
TG: i was poor and needed the money
TG: fuck u gin ur making me have verbal diarrhoea
TG: or typin diarrhoea idk whatchu kids call it these days
TG: we call it not thinking about what youre gonna say beforehand
TG: in other words a fuck up
TG: much easier
TG: .....now you were saying??
TG: ..........OH RITE
TG: dirks too GENTELMANATEE
TG: *GENTLEMANLY
TG: to POLITELY ask for ur mouth
TG: to go on his peepee
TG: uh..........
TG: but NOW hes acting like his age and feelin TIRED all of a sudden an his neglected boner is waning
TG: EXCUSES, MAN, EXCUSES
TG: ugh tl;dr:
TG: i just want him to get laid
TG: is that so much to ask
TG: when he was boning the college chicks in our dorm he was a smooth n relaxed motherfucker
TG: chiller than a penguin
TG: but now hes like fuckin douchey n
TG: god
TG: im concerned taht hes stressed n shit n it turns out HE HASNT HAD SEX IN 11 YEARS JEBUS CHRIST
TG: HOLD UP
TG: im sorta lost right now but uh...
TG: so youre concerned that bros lack of a sex life is turning him into a stressed sourpuss
TG: well ya
TG: that an coupled wit the fact that hes attracted to u
TG: the set up is perf, the stage is set
TG: u 2 are the high-class pornstars n the audience is waitin for THE SEX
TG: but mr strider dont wanna force u to do somethin u don wanna do
TG: hes relutant to get what he wants - needs, maybe - bcuz he loves you too much to fuck things up
TG: *reluctant
TG: omg now that i think about it hes a considerate sweetie
TG: a douchebag sweetie only lookin out for his lil sis’ needs over his own
TG: omg
TG: and
TG: uh
TG: what do you want me to do??
TG: bby its ur choice whatchu wanna do
TG: im just sorta-kinda-venting my concerns and making not-so-subtle suggesstions
TG: im not demanding u or anythin but i hIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU ASK HIM TO BE YOUR TEACHER IN THE WAYS OF SEX
TG: OMG
TG: OMG
TG: JESUS FUCK RO-LAL UR A FUCKIN GENIUS
TG: davey ask dirk to be ur sexy-sex-sensei
TG: ur practically gon give him a free pass to tell u what he wants u to do to him
TG: an maybe he will warm up to the idea of givin orders in the bedroom instead of u takin the lead all the time
TG: but i like being dominant
TG: so does dirk
TG: equal opportunity relationship here davey
TG: its healthier 4 th both of u trust me
TG: roxy lalonde sexy sex guru here i know wht im talkin bout
TG: *wink wonk* ;)
TG: ew
TG: lololol
TG: k ill let you eat ur dinner i gots a date tonight
TG: k
TG: ...thanks.... i guess?
TG: npnp
TG: if u need me im here
TG: let mommy lalonde take care of u <3
TG: dont tell dirk i talked to u hes gon think im conspiring against him
TG: which i kinda techincly am but WHATEVAS
TG: bb
TG: bye
TG: speaking of bye/buy ill get u a dildo soon bccuz every growing teenager needs one
TG: WHAT???

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:41PM --

--

 

“What’s wrong? I heard you shouting.”

You nearly drop your phone in surprise.

“Uh, nothing.” You cover up, glancing up at Bro with a small, what-you-hoped-to-be-innocent-looking smile on your lips. Bro obviously doesn’t look like he buys your bullshit, but he lets it slide. He passes you by, and you let out a small squeak as he slaps your ass hard enough to leave it red for a while.

“Bastard.” You glare at him, and Bro just smirks smugly as he takes out a pizza slice.

“You love me.” He states matter-of-factly, taking a bite out of his food. “And it’s payback.”

“Payback? For wha--” Oh, right. “--...I kinda left you hanging there, didn’t I.”

“Yeah...” Bro gives you a small glare of his own, but he doesn’t look angry - just annoyed. Your face burns with embarrassment, and then it suddenly hits you.

You just jacked off your older brother, and he was enjoying it. You had him writhing underneath you while you held his manhood in your hand, dominating him until he was just about ready to moan out your name. You feel proud of yourself for putting him in that rare, helpless state.

...But now Bro looks a bit miffed because he didn’t cum. Oops. The sense of accomplishment quickly burned away to make room for guilt, and you offer him a half-hearted shrug.

“...Sorry?”

“Damn right you are.” Bro mutters, but his tone sounded teasing. “That just means you’ll have to try harder next time.”

Next time? Then... “So... You really liked it? Me? Er...” Good job, Dave. You sound like a stuttering, anime schoolgirl with a crush on her senpai. Try again, idiot. “I mean, you’re willing to give this a shot?”

Bro sighs and puts his pizza down on top of the box. He gives you this long serious look that makes you feel a little apprehensive.

“Whatever ‘this’ is,” He began, amber eyes meeting yours, “I’m willing to go with it if it makes you happy.”

...Jesus Christ that is the sappiest thing you’ve ever heard him say - and he did it without any ounce of irony. You could’ve pounced on him - if there wasn’t anything wrong with what he had just said.

“What about you?”

Bro raises an eyebrow, “What about me?”

“...Will you be happy?” Your voice sounds a little too meek for your liking, but shit; if he’s just doing it for your happiness and not his... Yeah, fuck that. It’s not right.

‘Equal opportunity relationship here, Davey,’ Mom Lalonde’s words come back to you. ‘It’s healthier for the both of you, trust me.’

Bro’s low laugh snaps you out of your thoughts, “I’m happy if you’re happy.” He assures, honesty lacing his voice. “It helps that you’re a sexy little minx... and that you can be very persuasive when you want to be...”

You grin mischievously at him, and Bro mutters under his breath that sounds suspiciously like, ‘Damn horny teenagers’.

“Now eat your pizza before it gets cold,” Bro orders, taking on the role of the doting brother once more.

You leer at him, walking towards the kitchen counter, “And after?”

Bro shrugs, “Whatever you want.” He replies easily, and then sends you an appraising look that makes you feel a little hot under the proverbial collar. “Hey, Dave...”

“Hmm?” You hum absently, looking up at him with half-lidded eyes.

Bro grins, “What do you think about letting Lil Cal in all the fun--?”

“Oh my God, Bro.”

“I have these new vibrating smuppets in my closet--”

“Bro no!”

Chapter Text

You let out a small ‘oomph’ as your back hits the couch, with Dave suddenly straddling your stomach and a shit-eating grin on her face.

 

“Well,” You drawl, slapping her wandering hands away from your pants “you seem eager.”

 

Dave whines impatiently and glares at you.

 

“Look at you,” You purr, trailing both hands up her sides and all the way up to her face, cradling it. “You’re so caught up in your teenage hormones that you haven’t even kissed me yet.”

 

Dave blinks, and then you feel her face heat up in your hands as she turns an interesting shade of red.

 

“Huh.” She says, subdued. “I... well... Um...”

 

“Never been kissed?” You guess, and Dave ducks her head down a little.

 

“...Teach me?” She eventually suggests in a small voice, not looking up to meet your gaze.

 

Making a show of rolling your eyes, you push yourself up into a sitting position and Dave slides down onto your lap. You make her look at you as you press your lips against hers in a fierce kiss. 

 

Dave tenses at first, and you rub her hip in reassurance as you slowly guide her into it. With the barest of trembles she starts tentatively kissing you back, applying just the slightest pressure on your lips and uncertainly moving her mouth to mimic your actions. It was clumsy and she was shaking with nervousness in your lap, but nevertheless it just turned you on even more.

 

You nip at her bottom lip gently and pull away. Dave lets out this small, shaking sigh as she rests her forehead against your cheek.

 

“How was that for a first kiss?” You ask, hand trailing from her hip up to her back and you press her closer to your body.

 

Dave huffs slightly, “I should be the one asking you that question.” She mutters. “Was it okay?”

 

“...Well, honestly,” You muse, lowering your hand to cup her ass. She squeaks, “It was fuckin’ perfect, princess.”

 

Dave smiles bashfully at the comment, but then glares at you as your hand gives a particularly rough squeeze of her ass. She opened her mouth to say something, but whatever it was trailed off into a surprised moan as your fingers playfully trail down and rub through the fabric at her entrance. Your grin only gets wider as you feel how really wet she is.

 

“J-Jesus... Chri...st...” She gasps and you nip her shoulder in response. “C-Could’ve warned me, you shithead!”

 

“Language.” You remind in a mocking manner.

 

“Not the fuckin’ ti-time-- oh fu...!” Dave makes this keening noise and shuts her eyes for a moment, and her back arches in a way that does everything for your libido. You whistle a familiar tune you always hear on the radio and drum your fingers against her clit in time with the music, and Dave’s eyes just snap open to look incredulously at you.

 

“Bro, seriously?” She gripes. “If you were aiming for romantic music you could’ve just put on some Barry White and-- uhnnn...” The petite teen in your lap tenses up when your finger makes contact with her folds.

 

She isn’t getting the message. “Dave.” You say, deciding to forego subtleties. “Suck my dick.”

 

You mentally kick yourself. ‘Is she even ready for that?’

 

Dave blinks at you, and then her eyes widen in realisation. “You were whistling... Whistle? God that is corny as fuck.” She then began to rant - a sign of how nervous she really was.

 

“I mean, a song that’s about sucking someone’s dong, not-so-subtly wrapped around a memorable tune that’s actually catchy enough to make it on the radio, and parents are too caught up in their own problems to even notice the lyrics and how it’s impacting their little children’s mindsets--”

 

You jam a finger inside of her slick entrance and curl it slightly, and Dave lets out a sharp gasp when it tickles something inside her. Her walls throb around your digit and good grief was she tight. Your cock twitches in your pants at the sensation.

 

“Dave.” You drawl, taking your now-wet finger out of her and forcing yourself to be casual about this even though you’re just as nervous as she is. Seriously - you literally just asked your little virgin sister to suck your dick! That was not what you were intending to get Dave to do in the first place, but damn were you hopeful.

 

“I’ll guide you through it.” You try to assure, deciding to run with the half-assed idea. “It’s just a handjob, only you use your mouth and tongue. No big deal.”

 

‘Yes big deal,’ Dave’s expression screams. But she was uncertain. “I dunno...”

 

You weren’t going to push her, though. “It’s alright if you don’t want to--”

 

Disappointment must’ve shown on your face because she suddenly snaps out, “No!” and the sudden outburst leaves the both of you surprised.

 

“I-I, uh... I guess I could try.” Dave finally stammers, and you wonder if she’s permanently red in the face now.

 

“If you’re uncomfortable--”

 

“Of course I’m uncomfortable.” Dave rolls her eyes. “I haven’t actually done this before...”

 

She crawls back so that she’s nestled on top of your legs and looking down at the bulge in your pants. Steeling herself, Dave begins the agonising process of freeing your cock like what she did before, and you couldn’t help but let out a small sigh of relief as it springs upright into the cool air of the room.

 

Dave’s eyes widened, “I never noticed how big it was.” She says incredulously (and as a result your ego climbs the echeladder) as she held your junk with two hands. “Why do guys have huge dicks if the only thing it’s gonna accomplish is tearing the receiver in half?”

 

You bark out a laugh, “You’d be surprised by how good a huge dick feels.” You challenge as Dave began pumping. A small groan escapes your lips, which only seems to encourage her further.

 

Dave smiles mischievously at you, “Speaking from experience?” She counters.

 

“Second-hand accounts from my previous escapades, actually.” You flawlessly reply, expecting that jab. “Don’t worry. You’ll realise it soon enough.”

 

The younger Strider blinks at the suggestive notion, but otherwise seemed focused on making your dick go as hard as it could. The pleasure almost distracted you from what you just said - almost - and you wince. Did you just offer to take Dave’s virginity away sometime later?

 

You... didn’t want that, you think. She deserves better than you being her first. You were almost certain this arrangement wouldn’t last; that Dave would find someone else once she went off on her own. Her virginity shouldn’t be wasted on you.

 

...But, then again, what if she lost it to some asshole she didn’t love?

 

Your train of thought came to a sudden halt as Dave tentatively ran her tongue over the head of your penis, and a surprised curse came out your mouth. Holy shit this is one hundred times better than you imagined.

 

Her tongue leaves a wet trail as she licks the side of your shaft, hands dutifully pumping in a rhythmic motion. She peers at you with half-lidded eyes, silently asking, ‘Am I doing good?’

 

“You’re doing really damn well, princess.” You gasp slightly as Dave gives the head a slight suck. She was always a quick learner; her awkward movements smoothed out as she got the hang of it, but there’s no denying how the feeling of her hands shaking with excitement and nervousness as she touched you.

 

It was her first time doing this. You were her first person ever to try this on. The thought made it all the more special - and all the more arousing.

 

Dave pulls away and looks up at you again, red eyes hesitant. “Should I try... putting it in my mouth?” She asks.

 

‘Oh God yes.’ “If you’re okay with it.” You reply instead, a small hitch in your breath. “Just, uh... watch the teeth?”

 

Dave snorts at the pleading tone and smiles slyly up at you, pressing her lips against your dick once again. “I’ll try.” She promises, and takes you into her mouth as far as she could manage.

 

A low, guttural groan escapes your throat at the feeling of hot, slick heat engulfing your cock. You let out a grunt of surprise as you feel the tip brush against the back of her throat. Holy hell.

 

You pull out slowly when Dave starts gagging a little, “Hey. Take it easy.” You advise gently as she sat up, coughing. “One step at a time.”

 

Blinking out the tears in her eyes, Dave nods and goes to try again. You watch hungrily as her pink lips engulf the head of your throbbing cock, a good half of it slowly disappearing in that warm mouth of hers. Your eyes nearly roll at the back of your head as she begins bobbing her head at a moderate pace, the rest of your penis she can’t take in held by her hand.

 

“Good girl...” You whisper in encouragement, reaching down to pet her hair and run your fingers through it. Occasionally with each dip Dave sucked hard on your dick, and each rise she swirled her tongue over the slit. You let out a small, fairly strangled-sounding noise as her pace gets faster.

 

Dave hums and keeps her gaze trained on you, but you hardly notice it in the pleasure-induced delirium she’s putting you through. You shut your eyes, focusing on her small moans that seemed to reverberate around you and the feeling of her tongue caressing hard flesh. The whole ordeal felt clumsy and a little rushed, but it was Dave - and that just made it even sexier.

 

The room felt hot - incredibly hot - and soon you were gasping for air and barely refraining from twitching as you neared release. Dave was relentless after realising your plight, now using both hands to stroke you and fondle your balls as she thoroughly attended to the head of your dick with her mouth.

 

“Good girl...” You manage to repeat, almost all coherent thought escaping. “Almost there, Dave. C’mon...”

 

Dave purrs again, sending pleasant vibrations throughout your body, and gives you a particularly hard suck. A loud moan escapes your mouth and, before you could even think about the consequences, you thrust hard into her mouth.

 

She chokes.

Chapter Text

-- timaeusTestified [TT] started pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:00PM --

TT: My dick hurts.
TT: That is all.
TG: .......:?
TT: ...Wait; why am I even telling you this??

-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:00PM --

TG: wait wat dirk hold o
TG: ...???

--

"What did I tell you about the teeth?" Bro groans after fiddling with his shades, lying on the couch and trying not to move his hips. You wince guiltily, but then immediately remember what he did to you.

"I'm not the one who tried to suffocate the other with their dick." You retort, tossing him an ice pack. "Leave that on to reduce swelling."

Bro grins at her despite the pain, tossing the ice pack in between his hands.

"Dave, honey,” He begins patronisingly, “Penises are supposed to swell."

Smartass.

"Oh for Christ's sake." You barely resist the urge to facepalm. "Just keep that on for like twenty minutes until--"

"Dave." You look up and instinctively catch the ice pack Bro threw back at you. "My dick is fine - sort of. ‘Not-so-Mini Me’ is just in pain."

This time you do facepalm at the ridiculous nickname.

"A heat pack it is." You announce, flashstepping into the kitchen and shoving the gel pack into the microwave. Your phone beeps from the counter and you quickly pick it up to see a familiar pink text.

What does she want now?

--

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 8:01PM --

TG: ummmm so wha hapen w/ dirk
TG: err
TG: i dont think thats any of your business mom??
TG: cmooooon
TG: plssssss
TG: u kno i wont tell a fuckin soul dear cross my haert n hope to dye
TG: *die
TG: ......okay
TG: fine
TG: ....i was
TG: uh
TG: i was blowing him and
TG: i kinda...
TG: bit his dick on accident
TG: ......
TG: *takes deep breath*
TG: ...FFFAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!!!!
TG: HOLY SHJT!!111
TG: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA OFMGGGGG LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!@@
TG: ITS NOT FUNNY LALONDE JESUS CHRIST
TG: OH BUT IT SO IS LOLOLOLOL
TG: IM GON PISS

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:03PM --

--

You feel yourself blushing furiously and drop the phone back on the counter like it was hot iron. Well that was embarrassing; now your best friend’s mother, who is also the best friend of your older bro, knows what happened.

Oh God.

Coincidentally the microwave beeps after a few seconds, and you shake your head to clear your thoughts as you grab the heated gel pack. Bro lets out another pained groan from the living room, which only served to make you wince with guilt again. You flashstep by the couch and handed him the heat pack to relieve the pain.

“My poor dick.” Bro bemoans, voice almost whiny. “Why does the world hate me? I’ve gotten blue balls twice today, and unfortunate happenings are cockblocking between me and my sexy sister. This is so not fair.”

“Poor baby.” You try to sound sympathetic, but then again he did shove his cock down your throat; it was his own carelessness that triggered your reflex. The guilt still eats you up though. “Can I do anything for you?” You add.

You watch as Bro chews on the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. He lowers his pointy shades and rakes over your form, making you feel a little bit self-conscious.

Bro beckons you over with a quick flick of his wrist, “C’mere, Dave.”

You cautiously make your way towards the couch. Too fast for you to dodge, Bro leans over to grab you by the hips, and lift you up so that you’re sitting on his chest again. You give him a small glare at the sudden action and run a hand through your short hair, wondering what he was up to.

“Don’t give me that look.” Bro scoffs, his hands going down to your ass. “Now hold onto the couch.”

“What? Why-- shit!” You yelp as he forces you forward so that you’re practically straddling his face, and you scramble to steady yourself. Your hands whip forward to grip at the armrest and you bend your head down to stare incredulously at him.

“What the fuck was that fo--? Oh.” You tense up as Bro nuzzles his nose against your panties, giving you a devious glint over the top of his glasses. “Bro, that’s not really--”

You shiver when his tongue gives a languid lick over the fabric, flicking at your clit playfully.

“But what if I want to?” Bro rumbles and repeats the motion. You emit a small whimper and your fingernails claw at the armrest as he moves his tongue in seemingly random rhythms, taunting and teasing you.

“W-Wait, stop...” The half-hearted protest dies on your tongue when he runs his callused fingers over your ribs, and you start giggling against your will. Aw hell no.

“A-Ah... s-stop it, you ass!” You choke out, twitching at the ticklish sensation.

“So you are still ticklish!” Bro marvels after pulling his mouth away. You send him another glare, but the effect was destroyed by the mass of giggles bubbling from your mouth.

“I’m... going to... p-punch you...” You wheeze, and another bark of laughter comes out when he uses both hands this time. His fingers dance across your ribs. “St-Stop it you big ho-horse shit!”

Bro thankfully obeys, allowing you to take in a much-needed breath of air. He just stares up at you with unrestrained amusement, his hands returning to your backside and giving it a firm squeeze.

Your eyes meet for a few moments, the air quiet save for your small gasps.

“I’m going to shit on your bed if you do that again.” You say.

“No you won’t.” He replies, nonplussed, and gives you another casual lick through your panties. You squeak in response and try to move away, but a hand on your ass pushes you back down on his face.

Bro glares up at you as if to say ‘don’t fucking move’ and you can feel him sucking your clit through the fabric. You let out a shaky moan, barely noticing his other hand gripping your underwear and pushing it aside until you feel his tongue meeting heated flesh. He angles his head slightly and starts lapping up your core with slow, torturous movements, the sensation causing you to blush madly and make you let out small, pleased noises.

He tilts his head back up to suck gently on the small, hardened nub, one hand moving from your backside to tease at your entrance with their fingers. A small cry escapes your throat as he easily slips in a finger, met with hardly any resistance due to how wet you were. He wriggles it experimentally, before crooking it slightly in a ‘come hither’ motion that makes you tighten around him in response.

“B-Bro...” You sigh, looking down at him. Something must’ve been in your expression when your eyes met, because his amber eyes narrowed and darkened with barely-restrained lust. You swear your nipples just became painfully hard at the look, and you whimper.

Bro slips in another finger and begins thrusting at a moderate pace. His long fingers slid in and out easily, each thrust met with a small wet noise that made you embarrassed and aroused. You can feel liquid seep out from you and run down your inner thigh when you tighten around him briefly, and Bro lets out this low hum that sends pleasant vibrations throughout your body.

You squeak at the sensation and you can feel him grin against you in response.

“I want you louder,” Bro mumbles and his hand speeds up. A surprised moan comes out before you can censor yourself when he pushes his fingers in deeper. You close your eyes and grit your teeth, fingers curling around the leather of the sofa as he wriggles inside, stretching and playing with you.

Your head is spinning with lust and your vision is becoming blurry. All you could concentrate on was the intrusion inside of you, gradually picking up the pace and holy fuck it feels amazing. With each brush, caress, and thrust Bro did to you it only brought you closer to sweet release.

Your face feels so hot you think you might pass out any second. Any coherent thought was quickly drowned out, and you were mewling in pleasure and spouting curses. Choked cries of ‘Bro’ spill from your lips, and Bro hums against you.

Finally, you twitch and arch your back as your climax hits you like a freight train. You let out a small sob as your walls clamp around his fingers, and you can feel Bro slowing down his pace while your insides twitched sporadically around his digits.

Bro retracts his hand and massages your thigh reassuringly as you come down from your high, his slick fingers making you shiver while you gasp for breath. He slowly sits up, transferring you onto his lap in the process, and cradles your trembling form in a warm embrace. He kisses your forehead before nuzzling his cheek into your hair, and you let out a small sigh, allowing yourself to enjoy the relaxing afterglow of the event.

Mind blank from the pleasure, you just opt to stare at the wall behind your older brother as you slowly come out of your lust-induced haze. Coherent thoughts begin trickling back into your brain, and you’re suddenly aware of the warm body pressing up against yours. A comforting hand was rubbing your hip and Bro’s breaths ruffled your hair.

The comfortable silence was quickly broken.

“...You just got me off.” You blurt out after a while.

Bro scoffs and laughs into your hair, “Wow. Eloquent.”

“Shut up.” You punch him half-heartedly in the side. He just smothers you against his chest even more. “Gah! C-Can’t breathe...”

Bro lets out a content sigh and loosens his arms, leaning down to give you a small kiss on the side of your mouth. You give him a small, shy smile and he just nudges his forehead against your temple in reply.

“Love you, sis.” He rumbles, and you flush in response. You don’t think you’ll get tired of hearing that spoken so sincerely.

“...Always?” You prod with a grin, and he matches it with his own.

“Yeah. Of course.”

You lean up to press a tender kiss on his mouth, and he replies with a gentle pressure that makes you hum in contentment. Who cares if this is cheesy and totally unironic romance that only shows up in John’s stupid romcoms? This feels awesome.

Too bad Bro doesn’t do cheesy, romantic cuddling for long.

“...Alright, I need a shower.” He eventually announces, shoving you off his lap. Your ass meets the carpet and you let out an indignant yelp. You look up just in time to see him give you his ‘I’m-an-asshole-brother’ grin before he flashsteps back upstairs.

“...What!” You yell after him after getting over your shock. That familiar feeling of sibling resentment flares up in your chest, and for some reason you take comfort in it. “That’s not how you treat a lady, you douchebag!”

“You’re hardly a lady, Dave.” Bro retorts in a teasing tone before slamming the bathroom door shut.

A growl rumbles in your throat.

“Dick move, Bro.” You mutter, but you weren’t really mad at him. He pulls this shit all the time. Belatedly you realise that John was right. He was still your brother; he never really changed.

What did change, however, was your relationship dynamic. It probably climbed the echeladder all the way up to the level of “SEXY STRIDERCEST”, you speculate. Whatever the case, this is an awesome arrangement and sex is possibly the best thing since sliced bread.

Anyway, speaking of John...

You eye the rattling iPhone on the kitchen counter with a small, curious frown. That must be him right now.

...Wait, never mind. It’s just Lalonde Jr.

--

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 8:31PM --

TT: Dave.
TT: We need to talk.
TG: sorry was about to kick my brother out of the shower because hes being a right douchebag
TG: make it quick lalonde
TT: Very well. I’ll skip the pleasantries and the shenanigans that led all up to this point and get to the nitty-gritty of the situation.
TG: youve got one minute go go go
TT: ...
TT: I know.
TT: Dave, I know.
TG: .........
TG: .....know what
TT: About you.
TT: And your brother.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8:31PM --

Chapter Text

No.

No no no.

This couldn’t be happening. Did the elder Lalonde blab during a drunken tirade? Did Lalonde Jr. impersonate as her own mother? How did Rose find out??

Ohshitohshitohshiiiiiit...

You need to know. You need to know HOW and NOW.

--

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:32PM --

TG: mom what the fuck i thought you wouldnt tell a goddamn soul
TG: did you tell rose??
TG: No, Dave.
TG: Mother didn’t tell me anything.
TG: “Wonk.”
TG: oh my god

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 8:32PM --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:33PM --

TG: egbert
TG: emergency
TG: lalonde set me up and now she knows
TG: or the other possibility is that you told her
TG: you great douche
TG: john are you there???
EB: John isn’t here at the moment.
TG: JESUS FUCK
EB: Please leave a message via. Rose Lalonde after the beep.
EB: Beep.
TG: LALONDE NO
TG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET JOHNS PASS ANYWAY OMFG
EB: ;)
TG: ...okay wow ew never mind
EB: I could do this all day, you know.
EB: Speak now or forever hold your peace.
EB: And honestly, that peace isn’t going to last long due to my stubborn persistence.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:34PM --

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 8:35PM --

GA: I can’t let you do that, Dave.
TG: oh cmon
TG: i dont even know who this person is
GA: My girlfriend.
TG: ...what
TG: really?
TG: but you just implied that you were with john
GA: No I didn’t.
GA: If I did, I lied.
TG: fucking
TG: hell
GA: Heh.
TG: also wow hey youre into pussy
GA: Eloquent, Dave. Eloquent.
TG: just so you know
TG: i called it
TG: i fucking called it
GA: ;)
GA: Are you ready to give mama the goods?
TG: .....ew
GA: I do not apologise.
GA: Any last words before I prod your plush rump with my metaphorical Needles of Psychoanalysation incessantly throughout the vast internet?
TG: yep
TG: one: get your needlekind away from me
TG: two: do NOT refer to me and the term ‘plush rump’ in a sentence ever again
TG: ever
TG: never ever multiplied by infinite plus one
TG: i probably get that enough from bro okay
GA: Do tell.
TG: fuck you and let me finish
TG: three: id just like to say that its like Christmas all up in this here pesterlog
TG: i mean
TG: damn
TG: christmas in the middle of fucking summer how about that
GA: Australia has Christmas during the summertime.
TG: christmas on the beach sounds awesome
GA: Mmhm.
TG: yeah...
GA: Quite.
TG: ...............have i successfully derailed this chat
GA: No.
TG: fuck
GA: Now unblock my Pesterchum so Kanaya can log back onto this account, you whiner baby.
TG: allow me to respond to that with internet sign language
TG: t(-_-t)
TG: but fine

-- turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8:38PM --

TT: Thank you.
TG: youre not welcome
TT: Sigh. There’s no need to get bitchy with me, darling.
TT: Admittedly I am shocked when I found out, but mostly I am curious.
TT: So, my first question is:
TT: Why?
TG: good fucking god you chose a really loaded question there huh lalonde
TG: before i answer that i want to know one little thing
TT: Yes?
TG: howd you find out
TG: mom didnt tell you
TG: john mightve told you??
TG: maybe you impersonated lalonde senior is that it?
TT: None of the above.
TT: It’s a funny story, actually.
TG: well then go on
TG: make me laugh
TT: Very well.
TT: Mother accidentally emailed an ~ATH file to me, rigged to activate once I opened up the email and involuntarily set it into motion.
TT: Of course I got plenty of warning - ten seconds - and promptly hauled ass before the whole thing tore my room apart.
TT: Long story short, I’m now sleeping on the couch and using my darling mother’s computer, while the woman in question tries to forget the whole fiasco happened with her best friend named Ginny - Gin for short.
TT: Of course I forgave her - she really was genuinely sorry - but I don’t think she knows that her sins are forgiven. Yet.
TT: I haven’t actually told it to her straight.
TT: I’ll let her stew over what she’s done so that she doesn’t make the same mistake again.
TG: thats... not a funny story...
TG: also you sadist
TT: Nothing of the sort! I’m just disciplining her.
TG: im surprised you forgave her so easily
TG: you couldve DIED
TT: Well, yes, there’s that.
TT: But worse things have happened.
TT: Like that one time with the washing machine and a hockey stick.
TG: .......yeeaaaah gonna preserve my sanity and not ask
TG: did you ever find out who the file was meant for anyway?
TT: I have no clue.
TT: I wonder what happened to make that person piss off mother with the force of a thousand green suns?
TG: green?
TG: why green?
TT: I don’t know. Green is a pretty colour. Don’t you think?
TG: idgaf either way
TT: ...Now! Back to the matter at hand.
TT: So... you and Mr. Strider, huh?
TG: ...ugh
TG: yes
TG: me and bro caught up in a whirlwind of
TG: epic
TG: sexy
TG: amazing
TG: sexy
TT: I get it.
TG: bromance
TG: well you asked
TT: Sigh. Now, was admitting it so hard?
TT: What were you afraid of?
TG: um
TG: i guess youd be disgusted or something
TG: hate me forever maybe? for me loving my bro like this?
TT: Oh, darling.
TT: I could never hate you for choosing who you love - even if it is your adoptive older brother that’s twenty years older than you.
TT: That would be heartless of me.
TG: ............oh
TG: well
TG: thats
TG: thats cool of you rose
TG: and here i thought you had nothing beating in that chest cavity of yours
TG: when all along you had a shrivelled heart made of gold somewhere in there
TT: Well, compared to your situation:
TT: I had to make sure I had room for my breasts. I don’t want to be too top-heavy.
TG: hey fuck you
TT: I merely jest, Dave. Your breasts are on the modest side, but they have a cute appeal to them.
TG: i am uncomfortable
TT: I’m sorry.
TG: no youre not
TT: No I’m not.

God dammit, Lalonde.

TT: Anyway, I have obtained what I needed to know. So, thank you.
TT: Now for the second order of business.
TG: no
TT: John and I know about this.
TT: When are you going to tell Ms. Harley about your... ‘Incestuous arrangement’ with your brother?
TG: whoa whoa i dont need to tell her shit
TG: and dont pull the whole friends tell each other everything schtick cause thats not gonna work on dave strider
TT: She knows you’re hiding something.
TT: You’ve been avoiding her, after all.
TT: In fact, you’ve been avoiding Jade and me both for the past couple of weeks.
TT: When we asked John about it he didn’t know what we were talking about, so I assume that you had been keeping contact with him as normal.
TT: Jade suggested that you two were...
TT: Ah... ‘Bumping cyber uglies with each other’.
TG: whAT
TG: BUT
TG: NO DUDE THATS JUST
TT: Ha ha ha ha.
TG: ugh
TG: let me put it this way
TG: if me and john ever get together romantically and/or sexually
TG: which by the way
TG: ew
TT: John and ‘I’, Dave. Grammar.
TG: i will ea
TG: stfu rose
TG: i will eat my thong
TT: ............You have a thong?
TG: WELP THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER IM GONNA GO TALK TO HARLEY BYE

You abruptly cease pestering the flighty broad and mentally slap yourself. You really, really need to think before you speak. Fuck; you probably gave her some lesbian fetish fuel or something to keep her awake at night. Euuuurgh.

Your phone jingles after a while, and you check your newest text.

You better talk to Jade. She’s upset because she thinks you’re abandoning her.
You wouldn’t want our lovely Ms. Harley to think that one of her best - and only - friends in the world doesn’t like her any more now would you?
Anyway, I’ll talk to you first thing in the morning. Good night.

God. Dammit. Way to guilt-trip a girl, Rose. Manipulative little tart.

Jade... She doesn’t have anyone else. Her grandfather died when she was little and her only company is her mutant alien dog. When you, John and Rose first heard about her circumstances you all pitched in to help her get some education (an online schooling program you helped apply her to), and - most importantly - someone to regularly talk to.

Understandably, Jade’s behind with modern trends in society (so a good number of your jokes fly right over her head). She’s also one of the cheeriest fuckers you know, and always makes an effort to lift up everyone’s spirits. Her lack of socialisation results in her words to be insensitive and blunt at times, but you don’t hold it against her.

God you love Jade. You really do. You love her like you love all your best friends and your best friends are family. So it’s like a fucking punch to the gut to hear Rose say that she’s hurting because of you - you idiot, friend-neglecting butt.

Rose’s words sting, but you can understand where she’s coming from. She loves Jade as much as you do and to see the poor girl beating herself up like that...

Oh God you owe her the truth.

--

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 8:42PM --

TG: oh my god
TG: im sorry
TG: im so fucking sorry
TG: ive been ignoring you without realising it and i didnt even offer an explanation
TG: great going dave youre a douchebag
TG: ive been so caught up in my own problems that i didnt even consider you guys and your feelings and
TG: well anyway rose already did her thing and manipulated me into feeling super guilty about the thing so please save me the despair
TG: or if it makes you feel better go ahead and yell at me
TG: i probably deserve it
TG: no wait i do fucking deserve it because im an insensitive butt and i deserve to be yelled at by you because i made you upset
TG: jade
TG: jade
TG: well whenever you see this feel free to message me back and stuff
TG: ill just be here
TG: biting my nails in my anxiousness and all that shit
GG: whoa!!!!!
GG: i wake up and suddenly theres a wall of red text by my favourite blonde
GG: (omg dont tell rose that she might get jealous!!!! heeheehee)
TG: jade
TG: jade no
TG: youre supposed to be angry at me for being an ass and hurting your feelings
TG: and choosing my bro over my friends omg
TG: stop being happy this instant and be mad at me
GG: oh nooooo!!! i cant do that <3
GG: im just too happy to finally talk to you to get mad and
GG: wait did you just say you were paying more attention to your brother instead of your friends?? :O
TG: um
TG: yeah...
TG: about that.......
GG: oh nooooo did something happen to mr strider? is he okay? :(
GG: if its about your family i can totally understand! family is super important after all!
GG: hes your only family right? so you gotta spend as much time as you can with them cause theyre gonna go away someday! :D
TG: how can you even say that with such a cheery disposition???
TG: i will never understand how you tick
GG: :P
TG: but yeah its my bro
TG: i mean hes not dying or anything
TG: actually we
TG: um
TG: god how do i put this without sounding like a pervert or a total sap
GG: what? pervert?
GG: ........oh
GG: OH
GG: NOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
GG: YOU MEAN YOU AND MR STRIDER ARE......?
TG: are...?
GG: ...???
TG: cmon harley dont leave me hanging
TG: im on the edge of my seat waiting for your revelation
GG: arent you the one supposed to be telling me this in the first place?!?!?! :I
TG: cmooooon
TG: pretty please
TG: lets hear your thoughts
GG: gosh fine!!!!!!
GG: are you and mr strider.........
GG: ...
GG: ...
GG: ...
TG: fucking
GG: ......
TG: fucking
GG: ...............
TG: having sexual relations
GG: ......................
TG: making sweet passionate forbidden love to one another
GG: .......
GG: buttfucking? ;)
TG: JADE
TG: WHAT
TG: NO
TG: DO YOU KNOW HOW LARGE BROS DONG IS
GG: :o
TG: ITS PRETTY FUCKING LARGE
TG: THERES NO WAY IN HELL THATS GONNA FIT UP MY ASS
GG: well you never know until you try?
TG: no fucking way
TG: and this aint no yaois or whatever youre into at the moment
TG: as you can remember i am a GIRL and that means:
TG: anal aint necessary here
TG: nor am i keen on trying THAT out anytime soon
GG: okay so there is a severe lack of buttfucking
GG: girl i am disappoint >:I
TG: jade no enough with the anal
GG: but i like anal
TG: im sure you do
GG: (I MEANT THAT ANAL IS HOT NOT THAT IVE TRIED IT BEFORE!!!!!!!!)
GG: so. hot. especially with two cute boys together <3
TG: jade plz
TG: god i shouldve never told rose to introduce you to yaoi
GG: i mean
GG: okay i admit it i ship real people sometimes!
TG: no
TG: jade no
GG: youve seen johns dad right?
GG: i always thought he and mr strider would make an awesome pairing
GG: that wouldve been hot
TG: shhhhhhhiiiiiiiittttttt no
GG: or maybe mr strider and john
TG: JESUS CHRIST
GG: aww cmon dave!!!!!!
TG: NO
TG: NO NO NO NO NO NO
GG: you cant deny how hot it would be! :D :D :D
TG: HAAAARLEEEEEEY
GG: okay im done messing with you
GG: im not angry any more
TG: i
TG: i hate you
TG: so much
GG: <3 <3 <3
TG: ...
TG: <3
GG: :D!
TG: does that mean you forgive me for ignoring you in favour of trying to get into my older brothers pants?
GG: yes
GG: but ive got one question
TG: shoot
GG: isnt incest illegal over there? :I
TG: main reason why it aint going public
TG: its our dirty little secret
GG: our being...?
TG: ..........you john rose ms lalonde bro and me
GG: some *SECRET*
TG: shut up
TG: john was the first one to know that i had the hots for my bro
TG: thats why i was talking to him more
TG: ms lalonde figured it out from bro because apparently he was talking to her about it
TG: rose found out by going onto her moms computer and reading the logs
TG: and now i told you because you deserved to know the truth
GG: gosh dave
GG: are you... planning on telling anyone else?
TG: hell no
TG: six people including me are way too much for a “secret”
TG: youre gonna take this secret with you to the grave
TG: because if word gets out to the local authorities theyre gonna take my only family away from me
TG: because
TG: its fucking
TG: illegal
TG: is it so bad loving my bro like i do? its not like were even related by blood
TG: the only problem is the sizeable age difference and the fact that im still a minor
TG: but who cares right? im seventeen IM NEARLY AN ADULT
GG: love comes in all forms!!!!!!!
TG: thats right
TG: no matter how sappy that sounded
TG: but youre right
GG: siiigh!
GG: alright dave! ill keep quiet about this!!!!
GG: thank you for trusting me with this
GG: **SECRET**
GG: (which is a poorly-kept secret by the way)
GG: anywho hows my present?
TG: sir badass archimedes jawsington von cuntdestroyer?
GG: DAVE!!!! YOU NAMED MY PLANT THAT?!
TG: i call him archimedes for short
TG: or archie
GG: ITS...
GG: ITS.........
GG: A BEAUTIFUL NAME!
GG: im legit crying tears of joy at how amazing it is!!!! :,)
TG: i knew youd like it
TG: hes cool
TG: eating up all the dumbfuck pigeons idiotic enough to land right next to him on the windowsill
GG: AAAAAHHHH make sure he doesnt dry up! its summer and the suns a big troll!!
TG: yeah yeah i make sure to water him a lot so that he doesnt become vegetable stirfry
TG: by the way where did you get that badass motherfucker?
TG: its a carnivorous plant that literally dissolves pigeons in one day and then its hungry again
TG: i mean what the fuck?
GG: UMMMMMMM........
GG: ......oh no i gotta go!!!!
GG: bec got himself
GG: stuck in
GG: the blender!
TG: what
GG: well talk more later byyyyyyyyeeeeee! <3

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 8:59PM --

--

What.

“You’ve got good friends.” A voice whispers into your ear.

With a shriek you swing your fist behind you, only for it to be caught in a larger, calloused hand. Bro, clad only in a towel wrapped around his waist and still dripping wet from the shower, grins impishly and tugs you towards him. You stumble into his torso and he wraps his arms around you.

You squirm uncomfortably as the water droplets seep into your bra, “About fucking time you got out of the shower.”

Bro hums and gives your rump a good squeeze. You realise your panties are still uncomfortably damp. Damn you, Bro, “I was only in there for almost thirty minutes. That’s half the time I’m usually in there for.”

“What do you even do in there, anyway?” You grumble, letting your cheek rest against his chest.

From the corner of your eye you can see him waggle his eyebrows, “Wanna find out next time?”

You tug a strand of his chest hair in response, and he hisses in pain. Serves him right, that butt.

“So... You told your friends.” Bro states, changing the topic so abruptly you blink in shock.

“Ah... yeah...” You reply uncertainly. “I told John first, but then Rose found out, and then I ended up telling Jade...”

“I have no idea who those people are,” Bro says truthfully, and you snort. “But if you trust them then it shouldn’t be a problem. I trust you that you’ve made a wise decision in telling them the truth.”

It really shouldn’t bother you; John, Rose and Jade are the few people you trust inexplicably. But you’re still wondering if it was really a good idea telling them about it. They’ll keep it a secret, definitely, but what if they slip up? Or what are they really thinking about your relationship with Bro? Sure they said that it didn’t bother them, but...

“I can hear you thinking.” Bro deadpans, pulling away and resting his hands on your shoulders.

“Sorry.” You mumble in response.

Bro sighs, and a few seconds later you’re in front of the bathroom door with a towel in your arms and your pyjamas folded neatly on top of it. Before you could even comprehend what’s happening the older Strider opens the door and nudges your butt forward. As soon as your bare feet touches the middle of the cool tile floor the door shuts behind you.

“Now clean up like a good girl and get ready for bed.” Bro teases. “It’s 9PM, you know.”

“But it’s the fucking summer holidays!” You shoot an incredulous look at the door.

“And you’re gonna wake up early because I have something planned.”

Well, this sort of puts a damper in your initial plans. You think.

“What are we going to do?” You ask, but all you’re met with is silence. He must’ve retreated back to his room.

With a small sigh you hang your towel and clothes on the nearby rack and warm up the water, wondering what Bro had up his sleeve.