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Chapter Text

Luz Noceda was surrounded by a dark mist. No matter where she went, she had always blocked out the light of others, and plunged everyone she was near into a darkness of her own creation. Anywhere she went, it would be the same: she would be herself, and it would cause misery and pain to anyone unfortunate to be on her path.

She first noticed it after she had gotten in trouble with the principle for her book report over the first Azura book, a little under 4 months ago now, at this point. She wasn’t really feeling so disappointed in herself at this point: she was just doing her book report in a very creative and unique way, that the school was unable to see her in any way but negatively. She hated it, and wished they could at least try to understand her a bit more, but it was how it was.

That was when her mom had come in. She was unsure of what was going on fully, so she told her side of the story, hoping and silently praying that her mother saw her side of the story, and if not, at least wouldn’t be too disappointed in her. She started reciting the entirety of her book report to her and the principal. After finishing, she looked up at her expectedly, hoping to see something out of her mother. What she saw was certainly something, that’s for sure.

The disappointed look on her mothers face felt as if a sword had just sliced her in half. Here she was, the most important person in Luz’s life, one that she loved more than anything else in the world. And she had just done something that made her disappointed in her. Her mother would never tell her that in front of her face, of course, she knew she loved her way too much to say it outloud, but it was self evident just by her face that that’s how she was feeling. She was so disappointed in her. Luz swore to the bottom of her heart that, from that day forward, she would be the best daughter her mom could ever ask for.

The day of camp had finally arrived, and before camp had even started, she had decided she would start taking steps to being the person she wanted to be, she would take a step in making her mom happy, and by proxy, herself. She threw her Azura book in the trash, showing to herself and her family, she could and would move on, she could and would be a better person than she was now. And now what waited on the other side would be her ticket to that: Reality Summer Camp, where she would learn to be a better person and deprogram that weirdness from herself. Wait, that sounds really wrong, this isn’t a reeducation camp, it’s just a helpful summer…

“Carino!” my mother says, grabbing me out of my trance. “I just got the day off work. Would you want me to drive you to camp? Come on, I'll let you pick out your favorite songs on the way!” she says, with the smugest look on her face you could imagine. This is it, Luz thinks, she would show restraint, show that she could change her weird nature, and that she wouldn’t be the weird kid that’s always in the principal's office anymore. No more weirdness!

I turn to face my mother, and, with the most genuine smile I think I have given in a while, retort “Sure”, and it almost feels like I can feel myself faintly glow, hopefully a sign that I have finally grown up and left the world of fairy tail behind, and would wow my mother with how adult I can be

I hop into the car, and start to look around the phone, looking at the downloaded song list. Of course, I can’t play most of my usual music: it’s all either anime ops or trendy pop songs, and that won’t do. I also can’t pick any of mami’s songs, because then she would figure out I was doing something just to please her. And that is NOT a conversation I want to be doing right now. Looking at the song list in the phone, that left only 1 option.

After 4 hours of driving to camp, they had finally made it. She felt awful by this point, not because of the ride itself, but because she made her mom drive all the way out to the middle of nowhere, and she had graciously accepted it in her loving manner. Camila would definitely be better off without Luz, she thought to herself, before realizing the magnitude of what she had said. This would either mean Luz would have to run away or… she didn’t want to think about it. No, no, camp was gonna help her. She didn’t need to be thinking like that, yet anyway.

Turning back towards the woman in question, Luz saw nothing but love in her eyes, love for her daughter. Even though she was a burden on her at times, Camila never would think of her less than the luz of her life. That’s what Luz needed to remind herself: it was all for her, for those she cared about. She could and would make herself better for them.

Mimicking the loving smile, she looked at mom and shouted “See you in 3 months mami, love you so much!”

“Love you too, Carino!” she shouted back, before seeing Luz turn around and walk back towards the camp. And in that moment, rolling up the windows so the upper New England mosquitos didn’t get in, and driving off, leaving her daughter there at that camp, she had multiple thoughts, but one floated above the rest to permeate her subconscious.

“Why did she play Beethoven's 9th symphony on loop the whole 4 hours?” she says as she turns on her playlist.

Camp flew by very quickly, and by the time it was over, I had felt I had done a pretty good job becoming a much more normal person. I had quieted down a lot, and I could feel my interest in things like fiction and some of my more creative hobbies leave me. Good, I thought to myself, I was making progress, I was gonna be alright by the end of this, I was gonna make my mami proud.

My thoughts were then impromptu interrupted by a car horn blaring in my ear, and I turn around to see the biggest shit eating grin I have seen my mom wearing in a long while. This is it, now is your chance to show your mother how much more normal you have gotten, how much you have been working to improve. Make her proud of you, and how much better you’ve gotten.

I walked into the car, making sure to find a comfortable position to sit in, and tried to start up a conversation with formally introducing myself (one of the many lessons we have had in this summer camp), but before I could, my mother brought me into a massive and gut wrenching bear hug, and started splattering my forehead with tons of kisses. She obviously missed me, Luz thinks to herself for a bit, before quickly returning the hug to her mami. Maybe she already sees how much I’ve improved! Maybe I won’t have to prove myself to her. Though, I guess being super formal won’t hurt. Afterall, chairman Belos told me that the best way to get people to like you is to act like they have a position of power above you. Yeah, that’s right! I will introduce myself just as I was taught!

“Well hello mother, how do you do?” I said in my best monotone voice I could, my instructor made it very clear that the worst thing you can do in a conversation is show emotion, and I think I did a very good job at just the opposite, showing her that I can now control my emotions and that I’ve matured! Great job, me! Just then, though, I looked over at my mom and that happy expression she was wearing just a few seconds ago had gone, now replaced with a look of mild worry. Why was she worried, I thought as worry starts to grow over me. Did I do bad? Have I not shown enough growth for her? Thoughts consumed me, and soon I felt the black mist for the very first (but certainly not last) time.

This was not helped by me hearing my mother speak, though I did not hear what she said. Great, now I’m going to have to ask her to repeat what she said, which Chairman Belos said was one of the many things you wanted to avoid in conversation. I start getting worse and worse; what if mami decided after this that I wasn’t worth the effort? She had sent me to this camp, hoping I would come out of it better than I left, and even now I couldn’t even do anything simple I learned, like not being a fucking burden by asking them to repeat. Without knowing it I started tearing up. Fuck, that’s another thing I wasn’t supposed to do in conversations. My punishment is gonna be awful this time. I thought I got better.

Just then, I felt someone wrap around me from the other seat, and it brought me back a bit. “Mija, what’s happening!? Are you okay!?” my mami says, looking right at me, never breaking eye contact. I looked at her to see any sign of anger, I figured she would be, Chairman Belos told me that breaking these rules of speaking with someone in the outside world would make them more mad at me than it would make him or the camp teachers mad. However, I saw no such emotion in my mothers eyes. All I saw from intense staring for those few seconds was love and worry, and that was too much for me to handle. I started sobbing even harder, and for the next few minutes, that was the position the two had settled into.

Minutes later, I had finally started to calm down. I was still heavily emotional, of course. How could I not after I have a fucking emotional breakdown? When I worry my mother? When I make myself a fucking burden on her? It sucks, and I hate it. If it wasn’t for me being this way, she would probably have a much better life. No, don’t think about this, this will just get me back to the breakdown. Instead, I pay attention to my mother, making sure I don’t miss what she said this time.
“You ready to head out? I want to talk to you about… this while we’re driving” fuck. Fuck no, I think to myself. My mom really is disappointed in me, once again, and she was just pretending not to be to make me feel better about myself. I don’t want to talk about it, I think to myself, but I know it’s disrespectful to talk back to an adult, so I just nod my head, hoping she gets the message. She turns the car keys and it starts up with a massive roar. We start down the road, in a very uneasy silence. I can tell she was looking at me, glaring her eyes down at me, as if to say ‘You are such a burden child, I almost wish I didn’t have you’ and god that sentiment hurt, even not verbalized. The dark mist seemed to spread out from me, enveloping her mami into it as well.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” no, “Yes” but I can’t say that to her. I need to be perceptive to whatever she says, and I need to respond in kind. That is what Chairman Belos taught me, afterall. I don’t even think about what response to give her. I just decide that whatever I come up with on the fly will sound better and be less obviously a lie than what I would have done with an elaborate plan

“Why did you tense up like that and start crying, Mija? Was it something I did?” The previous tone of worry melted together with a mild feeling of guilt. Did she blame herself for that? Oh no, that’s not gonna fly on my watch!

“No, no! You didn’t do anything wrong mami, don’t blame yourself! It was my fault, I forgot what camp had taught me, I just wanted you to see what all I had learned at camp, and I messed up. I’m sorry” I slightly bow to my mom (I have developed this as an apologetic gesture), and looked up to her, hoping that she had accepted my apology. Instead, however, the look of worry on my mami’s face had evolved, changing instead to a look of absolute horror.

“And what would have happened if you made a mistake like this at camp, carino?” she asks unassumingly. I feel a new emotion start to run ahead of all the other (many) I’m also feeling currently: confusion. What does she mean what would happen if I made a mistake, isn’t it fairly obvious?

“I would get punished?” I say in a confused tone yet certain tone. Wrong answer, the world tells me, because my Mom’s face then evolves into its final form: anger. Fuck, why is she mad at me. And then I realized something: punish could be taken a very different way, a way which would lead to my mother assuming that I had been abused by the camp leader. She thought I was lying about being abused, even though that’s not what I meant at all. Camp didn’t abuse me! …I think it didn’t?

“And how would they ‘punish’ you for making ‘mistakes’?” my mom said through gritted teeth. Fuck, she must be really mad at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen mami this angry at me. Fuck, fuck, I think to myself as I go through all my thoughts to try to deflect this question in a reasonable way. Is there anything I can think of to make this not sound like I’m lying about abuse? Well, what did punishments consist of? That should clear the air! Well let’s see, the main way for punishment was that if you did something incorrect, you would get 1 less meal. 3 punishments meant you didn’t get a meal all day, and anything over that for the day would subtract meals for the next day… wait no fuck, that sounds awful! The days I would go without one of my meals made me feel awful, but that’s just a punishment, not abuse! …right?

Thinking quickly, I got an idea: use my typical weirdness to my advantage! At camp, ‘weird media’ (like games, anime, comic books, etc.) were banned, and there was a very strict reading list there as well (which, unsurprisingly, excluded Azura), but her mother didn’t know that, so she could use those as a part of her excuse

“Well, punishments are different from person to person, depending on what their abnormality was! Since mine was fiction, if I broke a rule, I would not be allowed to read Azura! I just love it so much that I was distraught at the thought of losing it!” I look up one more time at my mom, and for the first time I had said something right, because she had a soft smile on her face! Good job Luz, you fixed your own mistake!

“Oh and one more thing Luz” she said to me, with a calm, motherly aura about it. “What rule did you break, anyway?”

“Oh, I uh, didn’t hear what you said after I greeted you. You're not supposed to ask someone to repeat what they said in a conversation, I learned at camp. I’m s-sorry.” I say, tears nearly arrupting again. I do NOT want to disappoint my mom

“Shh shh, don’t worry, I forgive you. Now, who was the name of your camp instructor again? I want to make sure I can thank him for looking after you these past 3 months.” she said, again really sweetly.

“Uh, he told us to call him instructor Belos, but his real name is Phillip Whittebane” I say to her. Maybe his teaching style really was for the best, a lone thought pops in my mind.

“Thank you mija, and I just want you to know I love you”

“I love you too mami” I say as a yawn. Fuck, that’s another rule I just broke. “Oh my god I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to do that-” I say before I’m cut off.

“It’s okay Luz, you didn’t do anything wrong. You seem tired, you should try to get some shut eye” she says in that same motherly tone that always seems to put me at ease.

“Okay mami. Love you” I say as I drift into a sleep I would like to say is peaceful, but very much is not.

“Love you too, Carino” she says back, and that’s the final thing I hear before I fall to sleep. Camila, however, is still wide awake, and after hearing everything her daughter has to say, she is VERY well aware that she was lying. Luz was never the best at lying, but she usually lies to save herself. Camila was now wondering multiple different things to herself: what are these punishments, what other horrible life lessons did this camp install into her, why did they do all of this, and, most importantly of all, why did Luz lie about this? “I swear Mr. Whittebane, if you even so much as laid a finger on my daughter, you will pay severely”

Chapter Text

When Luz had awoken next, it was 3 hours later, at a place that smelt very familiar to her, smelling very faintly of home made cooking and making her feel at peace for the first time in a few very long months. She opened her eyes and, just like expected, had ended up at her own house. Well, even though impressing her mother hadn’t gone exactly like she had planned, she could potentially still impress her sister! Vee wasn’t exactly the type to dislike Luz for her weirdness (even joining in it occasionally, to the point where some of her teachers said that they thought of her as a clone!), but even she thought that she could go a little overboard at times. She was a changed person now! She wasn’t gonna go on a weird tirade anymore, and instead was gonna be normal. And she was prepared to impress!

“Morning Luz” my Mami said once we pulled up, still wearing that sweet smile she always wore. Things this morning may not have gone super great, but she at least still didn’t hate me. That’s good, chairman Belos told me that unless I perfected everything that I learned at camp, I would go back home to a family that would resent me. One thing I learned very early on in my camp adventure was that weird and nerdy things are things that drift people apart, and that to really gain acceptance from those you love, you must sacrifice those parts of yourself. Love is a game of sacrifices, after all.

“Hey mami” I respond back, getting back into that good feeling mood I was in at the moment I was picked up, almost like we are intentionally ignoring that moment in the car. Good, it was better forgotten about. I was being a selfish child, and the fact that mom was giving me a second chance to prove myself to her. I get out and get my luggage out of the back of the car. I have some cleaning in my room to do, getting rid of all that weird stuff. First though, I should definitely take the time to go say hi to Vee, I want to show her how much I’ve grown up.

As I walk in there though, I see someone I had never seen in my life before. This woman wore the slyest smile I had ever seen, and had light, porcelain skin. Her teeth were sharp, like she was a habitual overeater who had her fangs adjusted to have just the right amount of sharpness to be able to pierce any food she may want, yet her slim figure and excellent body shape put that idea into question. Her hair was a very deep shade of orange, with it being pulled back into a ponytail. Wait, why was this woman in my house?

“Uh…” I utter to myself as another new face enters my field of view, a black haired dog comes running up. I can’t tell what breed he is, but whatever it is, it’s just the cutest thing I have ever seen! “AY QUE LINDO!” I yell out as it comes barreling towards me, the dog turning into a cheetah as it rushes towards me, before knocking me and all of my stuff down with me. With consent now given, belly rubs have just entered the menu. We started playing together like this for I would estimate 30 seconds before I heard the hearty laughter above me, with both my Mom and this new weird lady standing above me. Just who was this lady and what relation did she have with my mom?!

“Uh, I don’t want to be rude at all, but who are you again?” I say as I try to keep my temper in control. I’m fine, I’m sure she’s a good person, there is no reason to be annoyed, I think to myself. “I’m sorry if you are a distant relative of mine or something, I’m not good with remembering names of people I haven’t met in a long time”.

“Oh no mija, it’s okay that you don’t know who she is. I met her while you were gone. This is Ms. Edalyn Clawthorne, she works at the local drug store. That’s actually how we met, had to fill out a weird prescription for one of my patients, and had to discuss with the owner how it should be done. We’ve been good friends ever since, wouldn’t you say, Edalyn?” her mother nudged the woman she had just met next to her, as if they had been friends for years and knew each other super well. Better than her mother knew the old her, she thought, before shutting that thought down. She’s glad that her mother didnt’ really know the old her that well. Just meant that she would have an easier time showing her the new her, the her that would be a better child than the old version ever was.

“Heh. Yeah, friends. Anyway hey, you can just call me Eda. I assume you Luz then? Your mother has told me a lot about you” she says, smiling to herself. Oh no, what did her mother say? Did she tell her how much of a fucking awful and weird person she was, always burdening her and Vee, even when they had enough on their plate. I did this partially to help me and my reputation flourish. It’s selfish for sure, but it does help to have that sort of selfish reason to do things; pushes you further, lets you better myself. This is a test, I finally decided. A test my mother set up to see how much camp really changed me, and figure out if I was really worth investing her time into again. I will prove myself better!

“Hmm, well whatever she told you, I’m not really much like that anymore! Camp really did change me for the better, hahaha. I would love to interact more with you, but you know, I have this REALLY full suitcase to unpack in my room, so maybe we can talk a bit more later? If you are up to it of course, if you are a friend of my moms you are obviously very normal and I’vebeentalkingfortoolongnow bye!” I say. A rousing success I think to myself. God, I’m such a failure, I don’t know if I can ever look this new friend of mami’s in the face. Good thing I don’t have to, I think. I can just stay in my room whenever she’s over.

Just then however, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eda extend her right hand to the left of me. And just like that, with one weird physical gesture, all my senses overload and take me back to the past, a specific day at camp. This day, we were doing another speech lesson, and instructor Kikimora was teaching. This lesson focused on stuttering, and how to avoid that. Only problem is: I have a stutter that I have grown to hate since I was in the 3rd grade, when every teacher I had told me to “speak more clearly.” Couldn’t they see she was trying her best? That was her only thought on the matter until Luz had ended up in camp

“Luz Noceda, you stuttered again in that sentence, that’s punishment #3.” the instructor said, very cold of heart. Of course, I think. One thing camp has taught me is that, in my current state, I could not potentially even think of getting someone to like me if I tried. That’s why I'm at camp, I tell myself every time I get upset at my teachers and instructor Belos in my head. I want people to like me. I want to be able to feel loved. Instructor Belos and I talked about my relationship with my family yesterday. I thought it was love, I really wanted it to be love, but he assured me that the only emotion in any of their actions was pity. That, through running this camp, that the camp was the only people who could ever really love me in my current state. They saw the potential in me when no one else did, or else they would already have shown me that love.

That’s what chairman Belos told me, and so every failure felt like a rock had struck on my neck. I was wasting away the love that the camp had so generously given me, despite the fact that I definitely didn’t deserve it, and was soon to be left with no one who really loved me. As chairman Belos said to me, “If you leave now, you will be leaving your one chance at finding that love from others. So, will you give up, and resign yourself right here and now, and go home to a nest empty of love, or will you stay here with me and make you able to be loved?”. I won’t let him down. I won’t let mami down. I will be the child you want me to be, Mami.
By the end of the lesson, I had been marked down 5 times, stuttering 5 times in each of my 5 attempts. Fuck, I haven’t gotten a single punishment in a whole weak! I had been getting better, getting so much better. And now, since I had already eaten breakfast, I was going to be unable to eat for the next 2 days. Wait, why is that what I think of! I let down Belos, I let down mami! I let down everyone! But no, I have to be so fucking selfish all the time, always thinking only of myself and never of others. Frankly, I deserve no food, I don’t deserve anything. I have heard Belos talk to the other kids about this sort of behavior. I have heard the things he has recommended to the troublemakers, and those thoughts send shivers down my spine. I have to correct myself, or else it may be the end of the line for me.

I skip lunch, instead having mandatory counseling with Belos. After having more programming courses in the afternoon, I head to the evening counseling 1-on-1 counseling with Belos. During both, I asked him how to do things better, spending the better part of both of them trying to fight away tears. “You do not deserve to cry, you deserve to die,” that’s what emperor Belos told me during our first 1-on-1 meeting. “but I’m not gonna let you die, no not yet Luz. I see the potential in you. You aren’t like the other delinquents at this camp. You have a chance, and I would argue a fairly high one, of turning yourself around and becoming the best version of you. It would be such a shame if that light of chance, the chance you have of becoming a better version of yourself, was to just vanish. I’m sure that’s why your mother named you Luz, you know? She saw that chance in a light from the moment you were born. You chose to put a lampshade on yourself, blocking out that light, devoting your life to weird hobbies and obsessions, but soon, once you are let back out into the outside world, you will shine brighter than a star, if you would just let me resculpt you into the ideal version of yourself. So, what do you say, do you want to give me that chance?” he then beckons me to respond. I won’t let you down again, mami.

“I do”

I wake up the next morning, my stomach turning into a tiger as it growls into the morning son, looking at its next prey to feast on. ‘Well, at least it’s almost time for breakfast’, I think to myself, before visions of the previous day play in my head on repeat for the next minute or 2. Right, I remember, I won’t get to eat at all today. I have to suffer through this to earn my privilege to eat back. One thing I learned at camp is that eating is a privilege, not a right. Every year, thousands of people die of starvation; what was one more to that calculation? If I kept getting punishments and being disobedient… “...you deserve to die.” That line still haunts me every day. Maybe that’s why eating privileges were revoked for bad behavior. Without nutrition for an extended period of time, one would pass on, and be forgotten about, never to have been loved. If the trouble maker passed on through not eating, that would show to the fact that, by racking up so many punishments, they ended up not deserving to live, and thus passed away. It was a smart system, Luz thought to herself.

And that’s how I ended up here, at the morning counseling session with chairman Belos. There isn’t much to talk about anymore; the previous 2 had just about covered it, so an uneasy quietness filled the room. Suddenly, however Chairman Belos spoke up “Hey Ms. Noceda.” he speaks to me with undoubtable authority, voice not wavering even a bit. Did I do anything wrong? “Are you hungry?” I wanted to say no, show my resolve. However, lying was one of the things her mother told her not to do, unless absolutely necessary. So tell the truth? No, she couldn’t have Belos see her as weak, she just couldn’t. So what other option did she have?

“Yes, sir Belos. But I do realize that this is fully my fault. I’m being punished for my unjust actions yesterday, and I do fully apologize for that. I promise it will not happen again, and that I will become that better person you say you see in me.” She says, hoping that’s enough. She looks back and sees that same soft smile she had never found Belos wearing before: was he not mad? He usually isn’t this way.

“Well Luz, there are other ways of giving punishments aside from taking away meals, you know?” he says, getting up. “I have always thought that a person's misbehavior comes from their blood. Blood is like a reflection of the soul, you know Luz? Having good blood, coming from a family of good blood, makes you a good person. Being a bad person almost inherently means you come from bad blood, but the same isn’t true for the inverse; you can be a good person not from good blood. You just need to let your body release the bad blood from you.” he says, standing over something, which he pulls out. It’s a long wooden cane, it seems like. Weird, I don’t remember Belos needing a walking aid. “I think you are the same Luz. I can get rid of all the parts of you that everyone hates, and turn you into a person that is capable of love. I think that is a good deal, don’t you feel? Better than dying unhappy and alone, in my opinion at the very least.”

I want to be loved, I don’t want to be alone. If Belos thinks it will help, it certainly will. When has he ever been wrong before? “I accept.” I say, thinking all at once back to my mother. How happy she will be by how much I’ve improved. Most of all, I just want to see my mothers face elated with joy, joy at how far I’ve come. If all it took was some shedding of dead weight from herself, then she would absolutely do it.

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*SNAP*

*CRACK*

It hits again and again against my skin. The porcelain floor being stained by the crimson liquid. This was the third wound opened up by Belos this session. The blood flows down both of my arms, my wrist shouting out in pain to me, electricity being sent down multiple nerves. I feel as if I should faint at any second soon, but yet a resolve within me remains. As I scream out in agony to no one's ears but mine and Belos, images of mami flash in my mind as a whirlwind of emotions chase me down in the heat of the moment, changes in the air prevalent as my breathing runs a marathon to keep up with my oxygen outtake. Since I’m in Chairman Belos’s office, hopefully the air is good enough to make my replacement blood better than the old. My body’s fight or flight instinct was something I felt for the whole time Belos wacks his cane against my arms. He has at this point moved onto my leg, and the shockwaves I hear as the bare wood comes across my legs is ear rupturing. I shouldn’t be scared, I think to myself: Belos is a professional at getting disobedient children to become better. There was a reason my school recommended this camp to my mother, I reckon, and Philip has been nothing but kind to me. He has been able to see my flaws, and figure out ways to fix them. If it wasn’t for him, My mother could possibly never love me again. Yet, as the sensations of pain erupt from my thighs hasten, I feel tears flowing from my eyes, mimicking the way blood was flowing through my arms currently. Suddenly though, every sensation stops, except the feeling of liquid on my legs, flowing down once again to the floor. 3 punishments, 3 wounds, Belos told me before he started. It is now over.
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“Hey Luz,” he beckons to me once again, the first time since he entered the transe of the attack. “Do you remember the reason I said Luz was a fitting name for you?”

“Yes, I do, you told me that I was probably named that because my mother saw the potential I had to be as bright as any sky in the star” I responded in kind to him, making sure there was not even a twinge of disrespect in my voice. “Why do you ask?”

“Right now, you aren’t really that light. You are constantly surrounded by a dark haze, permeating your very existence, driven by nothing but your weird hobbies and bad habits. Every time you walk by someone you love or care about while that dark haze surrounds every fiber of your being, you bring those you care about into that mist with you, making them suffer along with you. And the worst part is, it’s hard for you to tell what is going on, because you have never lived beyond that haze. You have no idea what’s going on out there, so you bringing others into your misery looks the same to you as it does normally. All in all, I would describe you as a very dark being. Luz of the darkness, if you will. But you don’t have to always be like that. I can turn you into a better version of you. Instead of Luz of the darkness, you could become ‘Luz of the light’. What do you think? Will you let me shape you into the best possible version of yourself?

“I will”

Everything I thought back to in that one moment where Eda raised her hand felt like an hour, but instead when I looked up, only a few seconds had passed by by the looks of things. Mami and Eda were still in their same positions, with the only change being that Vee had just walked in. I can’t go through that again, I think to myself, before grabbing my wrist and running off. The last thing I hear before shutting my door being the whining cries of the dog in the living room. I hold onto my wrist before collapsing onto my bed. And throughout all that, I only have one thought on my mind.

“I want to be Luz of the light”

Chapter Text

“Uh, hey Cami? What was that about?” Edalyn asks me, after Luz had retired herself to her room. That was a really good question: what WAS that all about? Worry seeps into myself as I think back to both the interaction that just happened and to the one in the car and try my best to put the pieces in my mind of just what exactly was even going on with her right now. She had started to freak out right as Edalyn was about to comfort her. The look in her eyes was very genuine, so that could not have been what scared Luz. The only other part of her body that had even moved at all was Eda’s right arm, which had moved to her left side and was attempting to grab her shoulder. And then Luz… grabbed her left wrist

“OH YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS MISTER PHILIP WITTEBANE. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DEAR MIJA TO MAKE HER THAT AFRAID OF GETTING HIT!”

“Woah woah, slow down Cami. Philip Whittebane? How do you know that name?” Eda responded to her sudden outburst. Right, right. This was for Luz, not so I could have a right to be angry at someone. “I haven’t heard that name in years, so how do you know who he is?”

“Oh he was just Luz’s abusive camp instructor!” I reply back to the now very wide eyed woman in front of me. “When she got back, instead of being happy to see me, she started crying because she started crying, and it was all because she ‘spoke wrong’ and she was worried about being ‘punished’ for misbehaving. Can you believe this? She starts thinking again about what camp must have been like for her. Oh, her poor Carino. She must feel awful about everything that must have happened to her. Right now, she really just needs someone to be there for her, and Camila thought better about questioning her daughter anymore on the subject. “Hey Vee, can you go check up on Luz and maybe stay there with her for a bit. I’m really worried about what her mental state is right now, so I think there should be somebody up there with her.”

“Sure thing Mami.” she says to me very quickly before running up the stairs after her. It was so relieving to see someone as worried about her as much as I am, though I do know that Vee has a VERY good reason to be so. Still, even though that kind of thought was hard, she also had to admit to herself that Vee was really cute.

“Anyway Eda, I want to ask you more about what you know of this ‘Phillip’ guy. He very obviously did SOMETHING to my daughter, and I have no idea how to even stop this!” During the car ride, I had figured that whatever it was that they did, that it would be something a very simple complaint would fix. It would seem, however, that I’ve underestimated the severity of the situation, if Lu’s reaction earlier had anything to say about it. A thought crossed my mind that had a few times while Luz was gone, but was a selfish question derived from my missing of my daughter, but now was reconfirmed from a something much more serious:
Why had I sent my daughter to that camp? I had never felt like doing it, but her school had assured me that the camp was probably the best way to deal with the issues she was facing.

Best solution my ass! I sent her there, and not only did she and I miss out on maybe critical mother-daughter bonding time, but in the internship, she got abused by a psychotic camp instructor. My mind wanders back to the day they had suggested it. The school was all but begging me to take her there. Were they trying to get Luz abused at Psycho-Check Camp, or were they just genuinely inept and hadn’t researched the camp at all? Either way, they ended up hurting Luz. I ended up hurting Luz. That’ almost certainly the reason as to why Luz was not telling me the truth, I thought. I hurt her and she no longer trusts me. Hell, for all she knows, I could be a part of this! The thought makes me want to scream, But I need to be the adult her, I remind myself. I’m Camila Noceda, daughter of 2, 1 from birth, 1 from choice. I need to be there for them, and can’t let my silly emotions get in the way of helping my daughter and getting this Philip guy behind bars.

“Okay, yeah,that would probably be helpful, now wouldn't it? Uhh, let’s see here. I had him in highschool, and he was mostly just a really big douche to me and my friends. I would like to say that I would have never expected him to be a child abuser, however he very much was an… ‘interesting’ character. One of his favorite topics of conversation was how “immigrants were ruining the sanctity of the founding of Connecticut'' by those with “Pure Anglo Saxon blood’, and since the school I went to was very… ambivalent, to put it nicely, towards those kinds of ideas, he never even got punished. Not once! He called me a Germanoid! That was funny to be fair, but still his bigotry when I was in school was insane. I wouldn’t be surprised if she abused Luz for her ethnicity”

“WHO LET THIS PERSON BECOME A CAMP SUPERVISOR!?” I shouted in response to Edas idea. “AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO SEES A PROBLEM WITH LETTING THAT MUCH OF A SERIAL BIGOT BECOME A CAMP COUNSELOR OF CHILDREN FROM MULTIPLE ETHNICITIES?! MULTIPLE GENDERS?! GOD, HOPEFULLY HE DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS BI, BECAUSE OH LORD IF HE DID I’M SURE HE WOULD HAVE DONE MUCH WORSE THINGS TO HER!”

“Cami, your heart is in the right place, but shouting out these things won’t really help anything at all.” She is right. I know that it’s right. I know the best way to solve this would be to do it passively, through the laws, until this serial child abuser was put behind bars. So why did it feel so hard to beat the thoughts of driving all the way back to camp and putting this ‘Phillip” person myself.

“You’re right, this isn’t going to get us anywhere.” I say halfway between an answer and a reminder to myself. “The two things that are important now is to make sure Luz knows that we will support her no matter what and will always be on her side on issues like this, and to put this ‘Phillip’ guy out of a job and into a cell. Oh, and we should probably also get her some therapy, once we figure out what happened to her, make sure she can handle the mental scars that have already surfaced.”

“I can help with both of those things.” Eda adds on top of what I said “Though since Luz currently has no idea who I am, I’d probably be more help with the 2nd”

“How so?”

“Well, I may have this one friend who is also a super talented lawyer. They can help us figure out this case if we tell them all about it. He could even help us figure out the best way to gather evidence on this. We will have this psychopath behind bars, I swear on my life!”

Tears well up in my eyes. What did I ever do to deserve such a wonderful person stumbling into my life. “Eda, thank you really, for this, and for everything these past 2 or so months. You have been such an amazing person to have on my side of the ring.

“No problem Cami,” she responds back in kind, adding a little wink at the end of her sentence. “I love you too boo”. She pauses for a second, but my heart processes it for an hour. Does she need to tell her something? That she doesn’t actually love her? “When do you think we should tell Luz about, you know…. us.”

That was not what Camila Noceda was expecting her girlfriend to ask her. She’d like to say that the reason she took so long to respond was because she hadn’t thought much about it before, but the sleepless nights in which she worried about the idea that Luz wouldn’t won’t Eda to be her mother in law frightened her to no end, and was something that, before this whole abuse thing came out, she was expecting that to be the main trouble in adjusting back into her normal life.

“Honestly Eda, I’m not sure. Manny had been someone… very special to Luz. Vee was more accepting: she was adopted, and a month later he had… passed. To her, you are almost like the 2nd parent Vee never had. Luz grew up with her, for 9 whole years before he finally disappeared forever, and a lot of her most treasured memories come from him and the 3 of our adventures together. Even though I took his death rough, Luz just started to slip away from me as soon as he was gone. I’m just not sure if she’s ready to move on…”

“She won’t” Eda interjected “But she doesn't have to. She will still be able to love Manny without him being physically present. You should know this, Cami. Afterall, I know you still love him too.

Camila Noceda was thus rendered speechless, unable to parse her emotions to figure out what to say. Only one thing really came to my mind, and it was a bit too cheesy for her liking. But, after today, maybe a little bit of cheese was a nice commodity to have. “Yeah, I do. I love you too, though, and don’t you forget it, if my name isn’t Camila Noceda, the captain of star command!” i say before doing that all iconic pose.

“Cami…” she says, tears forming in her eyes. If I was maybe a little younger, I may have confused those tears was tears of sadness. However, now more mature, all i could see in the gingers eyes were love. She came charging at me, tackling me into an embrace that was like the ones my mija’s would give me, however the tone here was undeniably intimate. The embrace was tight and filled me with a type of warmness I hadn’t felt ever since they day I lost the love of my life. Most people are lucky if they even find their soulmate in their many years of existence. How was I so lucky, that I was able to find 2?
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Great, I just had a FUCKING mental breakdown in the middle of my own families living room. Great, I think, now I’ve proven to myself and everyone to be weak. If nothing. I can neve be Luz of the Light at this point, the potential that chairman Belos had seen in her being wasted, the candle light of Luz Noceda having been engulfed in a sea of darkness, Luz of the darkness winning out in the battle. Words ring in my ears, the 3 words of Belos that had haunted her in her dreams, revealing themselves into a sinister climax “You should die’” “You should die” “You should die” the words replay over and over again in her head, the voice of Belos getting louder and louder and more clear with each one.

I just don’t have the strength anymore. I feel dread anytime the idea of any more punishments come my way, but I keep making mistakes and that should have consequences. The concept of the old me scares me, and the fact that I couldn’t change was even scarier. I was so convinced that Emperor Belos had sculpted the new me with the end of his cane acting as a chisel on my disheveled self, but nothing he did seemed to work. In the end, I’m the same Luz I’ve always been: I can never change, never change. The dark haze that surrounds me never ending, It’s almost pitiful, really. Pitiful, pitiful, I think to myself as I open up the box of time, memory after memory of Belos telling me that my family pitied me and that love only came with pain, the pain on yourself of being better. Vortex after vortex of thoughts ravaged my brain, telling me I haven’t felt enough pain yet. That if I just have one or ten more sessions, that I will be cured. I wish to go back to the camp, if just for one more week. That should be plenty of time to cure my of my illness! That should make me be able to be loved, right?

“Luz!”

I startle up, upon my name being called aloud, obviously very urgently. I feel the pain in my head, at some point I had started to pull my hair, probably in frustration at myself. Good, I deserve it, I think to myself, yet not aloud. These types of thoughts were private, camp taught me, and a desire on the inside does not mean an outside show. So I cleaned myself up a bit, pulling my hair back down. Hopefully she didn’t notice. Wait, who was I talking to again? I looked up and saw the soft brown haired step sister of mine, looking at me with a pair of eyes that stared right at my soul and could probably take the words out of my heart, if she had to. No, no, I can’t let this happen

Vee was a victim of domestic violence herself. She doesn’t like to talk about it much, but the things I do know are that whatever it is, it impacted her a lot over all the years. She is really jumpy when things collide hard with the floor, especially if it’s glass breaking, and anytime someone tries to close the distance between the 2, she always has this look of absolute fear inside of her, and one of us always has to reassure her that everything was okay and she wasn’t gonna be attacked here. She decided a few days after Vee was adopted that she didn’t like her parents much, and had a feeling that Vee also felt the same, seeing as anytime they were brought up, it was never positive.

Luz wouldn’t even dare try to compare her experiences to her own. Vee was a victim of people who didn’t care about her and needed anyone to help her, get her away from these awful people she had been unfortunate enough to have been born to; Luz was someone who needed to be fixed, someone who had long standing issues that she never even worked on, and was being helped by someone who cared about her a lot. Vee was a victim; Luz was a problem

I snap back too, and after doing so, I hear Vee trying to start up awkward conversations. I respond back to questions left and right, trying my best to seem normal. 3 mistakes, I note to myself. That means skipping 3 meals. I skipped breakfast on the car ride home already, now I just need to lie and say I’m not hungry for lunch and dinner. Mistakes that go unpunished lead to problems that deeply root themselves into the person themselves. If I need food for nourishment, there is always the other option…

“Oh hey Luz,” Vee asks after a few questions of uncomfortable silence. “I noticed that you are thinner now than when you left. Did you go on a diet while you were at camp? I kind of want to try to lose some pounds, so I would love to hear what you did to lose all those pounds off you. It’s like, what, 10 pounds I’m guessing”

That one comment, that probably meant nothing to Vee, sent me straight into a vortex of emotions uncomparable to many I had felt before. My mind switched tracks as my train of thought shifted from ‘how to hide what happened at that camp’ to ‘OH FUCK SHE NOTICED’. I couldn’t even be bothered to hide my shame anymore, diverting my eyes to the corner of the room to escape those eyes of hers, escape the judgment she would give me. ‘You received all those punishments, yet you haven’t changed even a little bit’ the Vee in my mind screams. ‘You really won't ever change will you. I should be disappointed in you, yet I know you could never live up to your potential. Such a disappointment, that you never turned into the Luz we all wanted you to be, someone who brought light into everyone's lives. Such a shame, but I can say this with certainty now: you deserve to die’

The image of Vee in her mind fades onto a new image of chairman Belos, looking at her with those eyes that signified I had messed up big time. ‘Chairman Belos please, I’m sorry. Give me another chance, I promise I will never make any mistakes ever again. I just need some more punishments, maye a couple drops of blood to get rid of the rest of the bad parts of myself, and I will be the person you and everyone else wants me to be. Please.’ I start feeling my tears flowing in my mind. I can also feel them on my body, but the things in front of me don’t feel real anymore. Right now, the only things that make sense to my brain is what is in my head.

‘Tsch, tsch Luz. I thought you knew better. You just don’t have it in you, you know. You always burden everyone around you, surround them in that dark fog, and no matter how hard you try, you always fail those you hold dear. For your punishment this time, I think it would be interesting to try something different: instead of one of your legs for the four punishments, how about we try your neck this time?’

“NO NO NO NO NO NO” I scream out to him, hoping he would reconsider

“LUZ '' I hear Vee say as I am shaken back to reality. I can hardly feel anything anymore, emotions overwhelming me as I feel myself and my whole life tumbling around me. Maybe, if I heard it from Vee, I could finally go down in peace. On the top of my tongue, I can feel the question almost coming out ‘Do I deserve to die?’ but I can’t for the life of me force those 5 words out. I’m so afraid of the answer, it brings me so much fear it’s insane. So instead I decided to deflect back to the original question.

“Oh sorry, don’t know what happened there. No, I…” I pause, taking a second to make sure I don’t start crying. “...I actually lost 20 pounds.”

Vee stares with me with those worrying eyes once again, and I can tell she is piecing everything together. Fuck fuck, no. I couldn't let her see what was going on. How weak will she think I am? How selfish I am; I’m not being abused, I’m just being made into a better person

“Luz, are you okay?” she asked me. No no no no no no no no, please stop. Please pretend like you didn’t see anything. Please Vee, please. I can’t face her eyes. I can’t say anything, voice getting stuck in my throat as I try to respond with a “yes' '. She was taught not to lie unless it was absolutely necessary, but right now it was. She couldn’t let them know until her transformation was complete. Until she was the better version of herself everyone wanted her to be. And yet, it couldn’t come out, brought down by a throat that wanted to cry out for help. God, why am I like this?

“C-can I hug you” Vee says, snaps me out my transe for the third time. Punishment number 5, I think to myself. Both arms, legs, and one to the chest. I need to reply no, make sure Vee knows I’m okay, and go along with the process.

“Yeah, you can”

Suddenly she charges towards me, bringing me into a type of embrace that I hadn’t felt for the past 3 months. The one with her mother earlier was great, but it was definitely a greeting hug, and nothing more than that. This one, however, was one born of comfort, the love Vee had for her showing through. Pity, I remind myself. This hug comes from pity; in the state she was in, no one could ever love her.

“You know I love you, right Luz?

“You do?”

“Yes, I do”

Luz didn’t know who to believe. On one hand, her sister, the one and only real friend her age she had, just told her that she loved her, and she wanted so hard to believe her. On the other hand, though, her camp guider, someone she trusted immensely, and someone she really wanted to follow, had told her that no one, not only her family could love her. Who does she believe? Over the course of the summer, she learned some hard truths about others and herself. Maybe it was wiser to believe the trusted professional over someone who hadn’t been trained to deal with these types of feelings

However, maybe in that moment, maybe it was better to let herself believe. Believe in the love her family claimed themselves to have. Even if it couldn’t feel real to her anymore, maybe one day, it could.

Chapter Text

It was a few days after her first bloodletting session with chairman Belos now, and yet she somehow didn’t feel any different than she had before it: she did feel light headed for the day that had followed the session, but Belos explained that was her brain rewiring itself to make it easier to be a good person; that soon enough, the blood that was created through a process of painful love, as he so loved to put it, would help her feel more at ease and would help her create the idealized version of her she always wanted. So why does she feel no different? Was that just how she was? Was she incapable of making blood of any quality at all? Was her body so useless it couldn’t do the job it so hoped it would soon? She decided to skip today's lunch to have an optional counseling session to have lunch with chairman Belos: if anything good exists, he would have answers for her

"So that’s all you wanted to talk about today, Luz?” He looks at me with eyes staring right into my soul. Probably looking for whether or not I was avoiding talking about something else or not, I thought, and then followed it up with another: ‘Have I done anything else I should tell Belos about?’ I wrap my brain around the thought, wondering why I was thinking about it; if I had done something wrong, I would have certainly been marked up for punishment, right? I wouldn’t be thinking about it by myself? And why would I want to be punished anyway? It’s not like I enjoyed being punished, it’s painful anytime I go a day without food or get beat with that horrifying wooden cane of Belos. Nothing I’m thinking is making any sense to me at all.

Like often happens in this type of conversation, my thoughts wander back to my mother and her smiling to me. I can’t imagine a more loving smile to myself, and the primal parts of me want to believe it’s real love, but I have to constantly remind myself that I don’t have any idea what real love looks like; as chairman Belos had so often told me, they didn’t love me, they pitied me, and that pity was the driving emotion between any affection I had experienced in my life. I then try to imagine the only person chairman Belos had told actually loved me: himself. He was the only person who was willing to do the hard thing and help Luz better herself. Wasn’t that what love was afterall: making the hard sacrifices to commit yourself fully to the other person? I try to imagine Belos’s smile in my head, what reaction do I have to him? One emotion (of the many I feel about him) that jumps out immediately to me is one of fear: whenever I think of him, I can’t help but recoil inwardly, and think heavily negative thoughts. Think about what I must’ve done wrong to get here.

That must be heavily unfair to chairman Belos, right? All he wanted to do was to make others love me, to make me into a person able to be loved, and I threw that all away. What kind of person am I, to not appreciate him for that, and to instead feel scared of him.

“Uhhh, I guess so? Sorry, I know it’s really silly” I say to him

“It’s fine. Now, I actually have something to talk to you about, since you are already here.” Oh no, did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? Oh god, am I going to have to skip dinner today as well? God, why am I such a fuck up? Before my emotions could go into overdrive any further, he decided to add: “You like that one girl, what was her name again, Masha?”

“Oh yeah, they are really nice, I’m really lucky to have them as a friend” I reply back to the chairman. While I do appreciate his honesty, it’s good to have them as a more comforting force in her life, what with Vee and mami gone at this time back at home. Someone who she wouldn’t be afraid of talking to about her inner thoughts, just in case they were wrong, just in case they got punished. She knew she had to stop thinking things that could get her in trouble, but she needed a way to get those thoughts out for now, without having to skip a meal or get beat because of it. That doesn’t really matter in the long run, right?

“Oh that’s not what I meant, Luz. Sorry for being a bit vague in my question about her, that was my fault” he goes on, and then I realize something; he used ‘her’ instead of ‘them’, didn’t he? Luz knew that Masha went by They/Them pronouns, and using She/Her on them caused her to have a significant anxiety attack. They talked to her a lot about her home issues, in particular how they were scared to come out to their parents, fearful because they already knew they were homophobic, so would almost certainly be anti-non binary people as well. So needless to say, they hate being reminded that they were born biologically female, and this type of wording would almost certainly make her uncomfortable. I open my mouth to correct him, but suddenly I stop. Wouldn’t this be rude? Couldn’t I get punished for interrupting him in the middle of his speech? I decided to wait until the end of the conversation to ask him about it; it was probably a simple misunderstanding, and since Masha wasn’t here, no harm no foul. “I mean do you like her in a romantic sense?”

“Oh, uhhh…” I think to them: their genuine smile, the way she stands one leg straight behind the other, leaning against a wall, and her in her nice and silky pajamas. Heat rushes to my face, as I realize that chairman Belos had just hit the arrow in the bullseye. I nod my head, too embarrassed to say the “yes” outloud

“Well you should stop” he replies back to me. Wait what? Why should I stop, I wonder? “You should know by this point in your life that it is unnatural for girls to like other girls. If you don’t stop, you will never be able to be truly normal, and you will never be able to become your ideal self.

Oh, is Belos a homophobe? Surely not, he had been nothing but kind to her the whole time she was here. How could she be bigoted towards other people like that? “Oh, I uh, sort of already came out to her about a year ago. I’m sorry if this impedes my progress, it’s just that…” I start before I look up to him. It was very obvious beforehand that he had lost his composure somewhat, but that calm smile that left me quivering in my seat was back, and while part of me was glad he wasn’t mad at me anymore, another part was fearful for what he would do next. Wait, why was I fearful again? Belos had been nothing but kind to me, so why would I be afraid? This was a thought that repeated time and time again in my head at this point, and each time my mind came up blank. Come on Luz, you need to be stronger than that! Otherwise, you will never be enough to be loved by anyone!

“Ah, but have you seen your mother feel any interest romantically in other women?” He asked me. I shake my head: I haven’t seen her even look in another woman's direction with any non professional eyes, though I don’t think I’ve seen her do so to anyone since papi died: she’s still mentally recovering from that, and though I would love for another parent, I understand that she may not be ready for a relationship yet. She also has very few friends, having to devote most of her time to raising Vee and I and her job as a vet. “Exactly; your mother is normal, she only loves men that way. And, while people of the same sex can form bonds of friendship, those bonds are easily broken if one of the participants could potentially be interested in the same sex. Haven’t you noticed your bonds grow colder after you came out?” I once again nod my head. “That’s because you alienated her for having abnormal attractions. If you want to mend your relationship with her, you need to retract that coming out. And I have just the way for you to de-sodomize yourself”

He starts reaching into his desk. I think back to everything that was just said; did my mami really start to dislike me after I had come out? It seemed weird: she had come out as bi with me, and told me that she would love me no matter what. Then I remember the idea that has been drilled into my head since I first came to camp: that my family never really loved me, because I had never really proven myself, but rather pitied me and showed me affection because of that. That would mean, when my mami said she loved me after I came out, that my mom was essentially saying that she pitied me for liking girls as well as boys. Suddenly, with that one revelation found, I felt a rockslide tumbling me down and into an abyss of more realizations: anytime anyone said they were okay with me being LGBT? Probably a lie. Anytime people have told me they were LGBT themselves? A lie, to make me feel better. I really was a social outcast. The most important people in my life had lied to me to make me feel better. I really was worthless, I think to myself. I then saw what Belos had pulled out of the drawer; a short, rectangular metallic object that reflected all the things around it in the room. A box cutter, I think to myself, before reaching my arm out to grab it. He drops it into my hand, which I then clutch to myself to keep safe.

“Now, what I want you to do is, anytime you think of a girl or woman in a romantic or intimate way, you cut one line into your arm. You should do this in the bathroom: that way, you can have complete privacy. You can even keep this if you wish too, use it once you get back home as well. Do you understand?” I nod yes. Like I always do when it comes to these punishments, I think back to my mom, and how happy she will be when I come back home a better person than I left it; how proud of me she will be when she realizes how hard I’ve worked to come as far as I have.

“Thank you chairman Belos. Do you uh, mind if I ask you for a favor just real quick?” I say, and he shakes his head no to my question. “Can you, uh, teach me how to cut into my skin? I’ve never done it before, and I don’t want to accidentally do it wrong.”

“Of course Luz, let me teach you right here and now.”
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I wake up the day after my panic attack and feel much worse than I did the day before. I was successfully able to get out of lunch and dinner yesterday, so I’m very hungry at this particular moment. I’m going to have to come clean at some point, I think to myself, but today is not that day. Besides, maybe I can get myself to become better before I have to come clean. Then it won’t matter, and the look of proudness my mother would give me if I was able to fully improve myself before talking about it, that I was finally normal, finally the daughter she wanted me to be, would be great. I walk up to my backpack, and grab the box cutter I was given into my pocket. I can’t let anyone find that, not yet, especially not with dried blood on it. The questions that would be asked of me would overwhelm me.

After getting fully dressed, I walk down stairs, planning on avoiding breakfast today by sneaking out to the library and getting books for school: it’s starting in a little over a weak, and while the box cutter is mainly for intrusive thoughts, chairman Belos had also told me it could be used for graded assessments: one mark one my upper arm for every point lost 30 or above. For every point lost after you lose after 30, one mark on the wrist. It’s a pretty efficient system, I would say.

“MIJA’S, BREAKFAST IS READY!” Mami says I am coming down the stairs. Crap, I can’t avoid her to skip breakfast. How can I skip, how can I skip! If I can’t skip, my punishment won’t be accurate, and thus I may start to revert. Why can’t mami understand that!

“Uhh, I’m not actually that hungry, so I was planning to go to the library to meet up with a friend…” I start before being interrupted

“Luz, no. You have not eaten 3 meals in a row now. You are eating, or else you will collapse on your way to the library. If you are in a hurry, I can pack it up for you though! I’m so glad you have some friends, Carino. It hurt so much seeing you alone for so long” she says as she scuttles along to the kitchen, putting the breakfast that Eda made… wait, why was Eda here? They were just friends, right? So why was she here so early? She obviously sees me looking, so I just look away for a second.

“Oh hey Luz, how are you doing? Sorry about, uh, yesterday. That was weird of me to try to do. I know we just met, but uh…” she says looking away. “If you ever want to talk to me about something, I’m right here, okay?”

“And me too” I jump, being startled by my mother apparently being on my side now, instead of on the counter. She was holding my shoulder tightly, and was suddenly on her knees, looking as lovin- pitying as she ever did when I first left. Before I went to camp, this type of affection would have made me ecstatic; now though, it was just another reminder of the fact that I had not yet achieved my goal of being loved. I need to keep pushing through, I can’t let myself become complacent with just this baseline, sympathy born affection to be all I feel in my life.

“Uh, thanks.” I awkwardly push those words out of my mouth. “And uh, sorry for making you worry about me being alone. I swear it won’t happen again, I promise.” I then look towards my mom, hoping she would get the M.O. Again, however, she wears the same face she wore in the car ride home. Fuck, I’m really not good at this whole acting normal thing. Maybe I will never be loved, I think to myself. Maybe I’m not good enough; maybe I never will be, not for amazing people like my mami, or Vee, or Belos. The thought makes me want to cry, but I can’t: crying is a punishable offense, and if I do it, I will have to skip another meal.

“Oh, don’t worry about that Carino, I’m happy now” she says to me, almost melancholically. “I would love for you to bring this friend of yours over sometime.” she adds, before her sad expression morphing into a sly one “Or maybe even your boy or girlfriend.” she adds with waggling eyebrows, mimicked then be Eda.

“Oh uh, thanks” I responded to her, before realizing what she had just said. “Oh, that’s a good time to bring something up to you guys.” she adds, their faces going down into genuine fear. She paused, before continuing on with her sentence. “I’m uh, not bi anymore. Well not ‘anymore’ really, more so that I never really was. Camp helped me realize that it was almost certainly just a rebellious teenage phase. Now that I’ve come out of it though, I feel, uh, much better about myself.” She lies for the 3rd time in 2 days. Only when it’s necessary, she thinks to herself.

“Hey Luz” mami says to me right afterwards. “Do you mind if we talk about camp once you come home from the library. I don’t want to force you or anything, but there are some serious things I want to know about what happened at that camp.”

Oh no. Oh god no. She has an idea of what’s going on. I can’t let her know, not until I was done. “Oh uh, I will think about it” I say in a very wobbly voice, almost unable to control my voice. Mistake #7, gonna have to skip meals today and tomorrow morning now. I grab my breakfast bag, and run out as fast as I can. “Okay thanks, byeeeeee”

I slam the door behind me and start walking. The thought ‘she knows now’ repeats in my head non stop. I don’t know how to stop it. If yesterday was a tornado of emotions heading straight towards me, today so far was a tsunami. How am I supposed to last? I’m probably going to die before I get to the first week of school. Thoughts of ‘good, if you keep it up, you will deserve it.’ permeate my brain. Belos returns from yesterday, chanting that I deserve to die, as the wind carries me wholly to the library. A never ending storm hits every fiber of me, and the dark mist I feel expands outward and outward, every second growing in size, as I no longer feel anything resembling hope; I have failed, I no longer can turn my life around, it’s over. The chanting grows louder and louder, and everyday that goes down it grows closer to being unbearable.

I come back when I reach the front door of the library. As I walk in, I throw the food my mami made me into the trash can at the entrance. I don’t deserve it. That’s right, I needed my text books. I look at the list my school provided my mother. A textbook for each of my 6 required classes (Math, Science, History, English, a foreign language (Spanish) and an art (Theatre). I walk into there, prepared to find them easily. But I’m not having the best of luck: the library’s catalog is confusing, and I have no idea where anything I need is. I have to ask for help. Punishment 8.

I walk to the nearest employee I can find. I eventually find one, 3 isles over, a girl around my age with dyed green hair. ‘Oh she reminds me of someone, but who’. My brain rewinds time, to all my memories of being picked on, bullied, and overall made a fool of my 3 years of middle school. Each and every single memory my brain surfaces from its depths, this green haired girl stands at the back of, looking nearly ambivalent towards everything that was going on. The old me we would have gotten fucking pissed at seeing her, and not gone anywhere near her. Now though, I realize it’s not really her fault: I was weird, and her picking on me was almost entirely justified. I walk up to her, and try to begin asking her for her help, but before I could, she turns around and just stares at me.

“Oh, I know you. We went to middle school together right?” she asks of me. That’s right, and soon we will be going to high school together too. I wonder if highschool will be better than middle school? Maybe not; after all, all of this was certainly her fault, she remembers Belos reminding her of over and over again. “Luz Noceda, right? I’m Amity Blight. I was, uhh, one of your bullies.” she pauses for a second, unable to look me straight in the eyes. “I was actually planning on starting this once we started highschool, but since you’re here right now, I guess now wouldn’t be a bad place to start. I’m really sorry I didn’t speak up for you sooner. I’m sorry I even participated in all of that. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry. If there is anything I can do to atone for everything I did, go ahead and just tell me.” she finishes, tears starting to form in her eyes. “I won’t let them pick on you or anyone ever again, I promise”.

“Woah woah, slow down. I’m confused. What happened?” I say to her bluntly. I have no idea what’s going on, but somehow I made her cry in our conversation. Mistake 9, I’m not going to be able to eat now for the next 2 days.

“Well… a lot happened over the summer, y’know” she says to me, still on the brink of crying.

“Yeah, I do. Same here actually. I also want to apologize to you, I know I was a lot to deal with, and even though it doesn’t justify you bullying me” it does, I think, but that would be a really weird thing to say to a stranger, “I do understand that I may not have been the best classmate to have. I’m sorry” I say as I bow.

“Don’t worry about it, you weren’t too much of a bother. Some of the kids at that school were just way too judgmental and were unable to mind their own business; unfortunately though, that did include me.” she says, looking down to her feet.

“Hey, you know what they say, no harm no foul. Now I actually wanted to ask you about something.” she looks back up at me, and I bring out my list. “Do you mind if I ask you to help me with this? I am not having any luck finding them.” I say to her, as she takes the list in her hand and looks through them

“Sure, I can help with everything on this list. Come on, I will get them from the back.” She takes my hand and leads me towards the front desk. ‘Cute’, I thought to myself before I realized what I had just done. No no no no no no, this can’t be happening. I have been clean for over a month now. I haven’t thought about girls like that in a FUCKING month, and now it came back to me like a supernova, all over her grabbing my hand. That was the ONE thing that was going my way beforehand, and now it was gone. I feel my arm start to tingle; I need to get out of here, before I have a breakdown in front of her. But I need to get my books! What should I do? The clean metal of the box cutter invisibly shimmers out of my pocket, and one thought permeates my every fiber in that moment: bathroom bathroom bathroom, I need to go to the bathroom.

“Oh hey, I need to use the restroom, do you mind if you point me the way to go?” I ask of her. She lets go of me, before pointing in a direction.

“Sure, go that way, should be on the very far corner over there,” she explained to me. “I will go get your books ready while you go potty” she adds. I nod and run away.
————————————————————————————————————
When she was holding Luz’s hand, she had accidentally rolled her sleeve, her hand tracing up the other girls arm incidentally. Luz hadn’t noticed, obviously deep in thought about something, before she suddenly jolted alive again and asked where the restroom was. After pointing her to it, we parted ways, but not before I had noticed something horrifying: the arm I had rolled up, her left one, was tattered with near endless lines up and down it. What had happened to her? Had she caused this? Is this the reason she had been so ambivalent towards her apology? That she was bullied so much? Amity wanted nothing less than to shout Luz’s name out the high heavens, hoping to stop her; she felt as if she had an idea what Luz was about to do. And yet she couldn’t, her voice getting stuck somewhere in her throat. She obviously didn’t want to hear from her, the person who probably caused all this. She probably hated her and she didn’t blame her one bit. So she stayed quiet, and went to get the books on the list.

I am a coward;

Chapter Text

The door slams shut in front of me, the noise it makes reverberating all around the house. Then, comes a bonechill and reality warping silence, that surrounds the entire Noceda household being wrapped into a fog that seemingly constricted our voices. I can’t believe what I had done. *I* had done this, and there was no way Luz could every trust me again: not after what I had pulled on her, pulling her down an abyss of issues, neverending issues she would have to deal with for the rest of her life.

I should have made her eat here: Vee told me what had happened yesterday, begging me to not let Luz know she told me. Camp had apparently made her lose 20 pounds while she was there, and she hadn’t even noticed. Had the image of her own daughter really got that lost, that she didn’t know the difference she had when healthy and when underfed? Luz had told Vee that she really didn’t want me to know, and that she would tell me once everything had been ‘fixed’. What had to be fixed? Sure, she maybe got in trouble one too many times at school, and sure she may have not been getting excellent grades (not even bad! I say to myself. She was an average B- to C+ student, and yet the school had deemed that ‘not good enough’ and ‘needing to be improved’.) And yeah, I wish Luz would try a bit harder at school too! She had such a brilliant mind on herself, and yet it hardly felt like she was applying herself sometimes.

And thus, I had sent away my daughter, my mija, to this camp. To this maldito campamento, where she was punished for talking slightly wrong, or for even liking girls! This was a conversion camp! She was sent to a camp that was run by a flaming bigot who had a history of hating anyone who didn’t arrive on the fucking mayflower! If she knew any better, she would have guessed whoever sent her there was a monster of incomparable magnitude, even worse than the person who had done the abuse in the first place, for sending away their own child to be tortured by some strange man who was pretending to be a camp supervisor.

And yet, that person was me, Camila Noceda. Was I a monster? The idea that *I* had done that, that I was one of, if not the main reason Luz had sunken as low as she had, was not only upsetting to me, it seemingly also had an impact on those around me. I look around at the people (aside from Luz) I had come to think of as a new family. Eda, someone who, in the short time I have known her, I have come to truly love just as much as I had Manny. She had always brought the best out of me, and had brought a spark out of Vee only a goofy parental figure could, and a spark that I had thought to be dead just as long as Manny.

I thought I was doing a good job, throughout the whole summer. I looked to Vee’s face, and found her the happiest she had been since Manny had passed. Being there with Eda, for only the 2 months she had, had really seemed to give Vee a great amount of comfort that Camila, however loving she tried to be with her, never seemed able to provide. It never hurt, but it did sting sometimes, that she couldn’t: they do say that different parents bringing out different emotions from their children is a good thing, though. Almost like a good cop, bad cop situation.

Now when she looked at her face, though, Vee seemingly had gone whiter than the snow, unable to handle the emotions running through her veins. She never wanted to talk about what had happened to her as a child, but she got a rundown from her therapist when she was adopted. She had been physically abused since she was 5. Before that, Vee had recalled multiple times that she was living in a happy family, with multiple people being her childhood friends in pre-k. However, it seemed as if things changed one day, when her father had come home, slurring his words and hitting her mother. Vee had thought at the time it was him hitting his head and causing him to ‘malfunction’ as she told the therapist, but to Camila, it was fairly obvious the man was drunk.

The man had lost his job the day he came home like that, and that had left him broken. Unable to contain his rage anymore, he stayed at the house. After 2 long weeks, where she had been beaten repeatedly over and over again, multiple times a day, the wife apparently had enough of it. She asked for a divorce from him. His fury surpassed any that Vee had ever seen, her therapist said, and she went and hid from what was going on. The next day, her mother was gone, and Vee had no idea what had happened.

The next 2 years were practically the hardest in Vee’s life. With her mother now gone, the rest of her fathers fury went to her. Everyday afterschool, she would be lucky to just be yelled at by him. She had no idea how to handle what was going on with her father, so everyday almost felt like a blur to her. He would use her to fulfill his sadistic fantasies of violence, attacking Vee each and every chance he got. He was disgusting, Camila thought. 2 years later, in the middle of one of her beatings, the house had gotten raided by multiple police officers, and she was taken away to that building, where she would spend the next 2 years in child protective services, nobody wanting someone that old.

Camila had spent the next 5 years of her life trying her best to be the parent Vee hadn’t had for years. She would try her best to be their for her when she had trauma responses, and wouldn’t let anyone even lift a hand at her when talking to her. It brought back too many traumatic memories for the young girl. That’s why she chose to adopt her; she knew that, if she had gone to the wrong person, things could have gone very badly for her. At the adoption center, while she was really scared of making any type of physical contact at first, she and Luz had eventually made a really close bond together, almost as if they had been sisters for life.

She had tried so hard to be there for her. Yet for Luz, she had hardly done anything. As far back as she could remember, she never took Luz’s side on anything substantial; she had thought of Luz as a troublemaker for years now, and hadn’t been on the same wavelength as her since Manny had died. Hell, she barely *talked* to her since Manny died. And any conversation they did have, didn’t last long in the slightest. I had tried so hard to correct whatever fear Vee’s parents had instilled in her, yet had instilled almost the exact same thing into Luz myself.

“Mom” I heard a very quiet Vee whisper out of the corner of the room. The look of worry I saw her wear on her face was worse than that day 5 years ago when we had first met her. She was so small, I think to myself. She had a very clear idea what was going on, I think. How could she not, when she saw the very same expression on her own face for nearly 7 years. “You didn’t know this was going to happen, right?”

“N-n-no Vee, I d-didn’t” I feel water falling down my cheeks, echoes of my past mistakes reverberating in each thump I hear as they hit the ground. Why had I sent her away? Why did I never think of working through her issues myself? Why had I entrusted my kid to someone I didn’t know? Why did I let myself be manipulated by that STUPID middle school? She’s just a kid! And yet, I let myself be manipulated by that principals' words. ‘Weren’t you bullied in school too, Ms. Noceda?’ reverberates in and out of my head, my breathing hasten as those days fade in and out of my head. I lunge towards Vee, I need to hug her right now. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m not to blame for this. I’m so sorry Vee, both to you and to Luz” teardrops fall down my eyes, and as it does, I feel the damp spot growing on my shoulder too, as Vee’s tears escape her as well.

“I know. I don’t know why I asked, I know you aren’t like that." Her words calm me down significantly. I messed up, I messed up REALLY badly. Right now though, I need to focus on making it up to Luz. She needs to know that I’m here for her right now, and that I won’t be against her anymore. Thoughts emerge in my head: violent ones.

“Eda, I need to ask you a favor”

“What is it, Cami?” she asks back of me, waiting for some clearer idea of what I want her to do. Right now, she looks ready to do almost anything, a look of fear from before being replaced by a look of unlocked rage. If looks could kill, this one almost certainly would. And so would Eda, if she had a chance.

“Hold me back. I’m afraid of what I may do if my emotions take over and I can’t control them anymore.” My thoughts go back to the fully loaded shotgun I keep in my closet in case of emergencies. If I wanted to, I could drive back to camp right now and kill this guy myself, I think, before coming back down: where would this leave Luz and Vee? Without a mother, and quite probably being taken in by Eda, who could care for them. ‘Maybe Luz would be better off without you’ a part of my brain whispers out to me, before I shake it off. These kinds of thoughts do not lead to good places, so blocking them out is the only option I have.

Eda nods, before starting to think deeply towards herself. What is she thinking, I wonder before she turns around and seems to have a moment of realization, of what was going on. She turns around and starts to ask me a question, before stopping herself. What was she piecing together, I think to myself, before she continues. “What did you say the name of that camp was again?”

Camila stopped, before running upstairs to find that stupid pamphlet. The pamphlet that had started all this mess in the first place, which had put Luz’s life and happiness in serious jeopardy. After reaching her room, she had pulled out every drawer on her dresser, before finally finding it: the pamphlet, stuck inside of one of her pants in the pants drawer. Afterwards, she similarly charged back down the stairs, towards Edalyn, handing her the pamphlet. After eyeing it down for a second, her eyes widen, as she seems to have pieced everything together at this point.

“My sister worked at this camp as the camp therapist” the words hit my ears after what feels like hours. “She told me she left because of disagreements over the way the camp handled its punishment system. I didn't read too much into it at the time, but now that I realize what happened to Luz at that camp, I think she may have an idea of what was going on there.”

Camila was stunned: how did she get so lucky, that she would be able to get a detailed source from outside “So what you’re saying is that we can get Lilith to come here, and give us an explanation of what had happened to Luz during camp?” The idea excited her a lot. How could she not accept this deal? She had met Lilith, and while her first time meeting her had been rough “HOW DARE YOU SABOTAGE MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT!” she shouted at the time, she and her had hung out a lot more sense, mainly at her house, and they had learned a lot more about each other. She was sure she could trust her to tell the truth. So why did it also give her this sink feeling in her stomach?

“I guess so, yeah.” Eda echoes back to her. “But wouldn’t you rather hear it from Luz instead?”

I thought about this for a moment. While she doesn’t want to pressure Luz, lord knows she was already pressured enough at camp, she also needs to know what was going on. She needs to help her daughter in any way she can. “Well, yeah. But do you have any better ideas?” I ask the red headed woman in front of me.

“Well, I may have one” she adds before giving me one of her famous Edalyn grins.
————————————————————————————————————
The walk home from the library was excruciating. I hadn’t eaten anything since the day I had left the camp, my body was near to collapse on the solid concrete of the sidewalk below. The wind seemed to carry me farther than I would have ever thought possible, my weight nearly becoming a leaf to its bombastic gusts and powerful blasts. My mind wanders in and out of all the mistakes it had made today and yesterday. 11 mistakes in 2 days. This was the worst I had done since I had first begun camp. I won’t be able to eat again until dinner 2 days from now. Chairman Belos had told me that cutting myself wouldn’t mark me down as a mistake, like him beating me would do; I can’t beat myself like he does, and I can’t just ask someone to do it to me. So no food it is then. I can’t last another day without food though, I’ve only done 4 meals and I already feel like this, what makes me think I can last another 7.

‘You deserve to die’, the phrase that can’t seem to leave my fucking head. It dances around it, unable to be stopped or stilled, it continues around and around my head forever and ever, it seems like to me, before I can even get to the house. He’s right. Chairman Belos has never been wrong, I think to myself, as I my body sways side to side as I’m walking. I can feel people from the porches staring at me, their eyes intent on where I will be going next; I do not care. Only one thought matters to me now: dying. I can’t live on like this anymore, I think to myself. I’ve done too much harm, I’ve made too many mistakes. I can’t work like this anymore. My life is essentially over anyway; no one could ever potentially even think of loving me, so what’s the point in staying around to be dejected over and over again.

I think of ways I could go out. Thoughts range for me; one, however, permeates above them all. My pill bottle is in my bathroom currently. Chairman Belos took them away from me at camp, telling me that “if I couldn’t cooperate with them, that I didn’t even deserve them in the first place.” That I was faking it all for attention; I didn’t believe him at the time: how dare he say something like that to me! My ADHD is very much real, thank you very much! But as the passage of time went by, I realized he was almost certainly right: afterall, Belos knows best. Finally though, those blasted pills, which had cost my mother so much for not being for any real purpose, would finally have a purpose: I wouldn’t have to burden anyone anymore, no longer will my mother have to spend money on me anymore: she can finally live a happy family life with Vee, and not have to worry at work anymore about calls from the guidance counselor. She finally won’t be the girl in the principal's office anymore, I think to myself, giving it a light smile; the first genuine one I’ve given in 4 months, and likely her final one before she vanishes from this world, her light extinguishing for the final time, but the dark mist disappearing with it.

Before I knew it, I was in front of the place I once called home. Nothing much has changed about it over the past few months: the walls were still the same color, and the same people who lived in it when she first left lived in it now (Eda had stayed the night last night apparently? But aside from that). Even Luz hadn’t changed. She was still her same self; she made everyone around her miserable, and she couldn’t stop causing problems for everyone else. And yet, it felt like she was now a mile away from the place she couldn’t get enough of, even though she was just one reach away from grabbing the handle; she had now realized she was the problem. It was always her, she thought. And yet, it was only because of Belos and camp she had finally realized this fact.

I deserve to die

I opened the door, expecting to see an empty house; it was now 11 o’ clock, after all, and lunch was nearly 2 hours away. However, when peering in, she saw everyone sitting on the couch discussing among themselves. And then they turned. Oh god they turned, and looked at me with the most worrying look I had ever seen. I was frantic, I could feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier, not being able to understand what was going on. Once again, Eda’s black dog, who I had learned was named King, was charging towards me, and jumped right on top of me. However, unlike last time, I couldn’t find it in myself to be excited at all over the prospect of petting him. I try to escape, but to no avail.

“Luz!” I heard 4 voices shout at the same time. Wait, 4? I look up, and I see mami looking at me, Vee doing the same, squished in the middle of the two, and…

“MS. LILITH!” I raise my voice to my superior. Mistake 12. Not that it matters at this point; I won’t be alive at the point. “Uh, I mean, Hey Ms. Lilith, been a while since I’ve seen you. Since you uh, quit the camp about a month after I joined, am I right? Missed seeing you around there.”

The woman changed her face to be more calm than before, and put on a smile that very much seemed genuine. She still wore her hair straight and black, but there were some of her orange roots sticking out at this point. She almost looked like… “Ah, hello Luz. Yes, there were some… disagreements between me and Belos in the way we run the camp, so I decided to separate about 2 months ago from him. I’m actually Edalyn’s sister, so I was here to describe to your mother what the ‘punishments’ were.” Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh FUCK. I can’t let her know what was going on, I know she went through with Vee. I can’t let her know what happened here with me. I know it sounds similar, but I know she’s gonna freak out. Then I remember: I’m not going to be around longer soon enough. Maybe she deserves to know how much I failed her, how much I failed everyone who wants to love me so badly.

So, I sit down, and I start relaying everything that happened at the camp to her. It’s a blur of emotions and tears down my eyes, but I can recall the choice words I said: Hit. Starve. Cut. Punished. Everytime I say those words, it feels as if I have to move a mountain to even get them out. I have to, though: I’ve disappointed everyone enough, I can’t afford to disappoint them again. Disappoint. That’s the word that’s hardest to get out of my throat, and into the air. It’s not as necessary to say it; my mom already knows, that’s the emotion she already feels. And yet, my heart tells me to say it, as if to say that if I say I’m afraid of disappointing her, that it would actually help. So the word finally comes out through all the sobs and painful confessions in the middle of my idea. And then again. And then again. At some point, the feeling I have inside, an avalanche of disappointment I’ve piled onto everyone I know and love, comes out vocalized into my telling of the story. I show them every bruise, every cut on my body. Revealing my true nature: a being that has been scarred beyond repair, and one who doesn’t deserve to be patched up.

After everything though, I feel lighter. I have burdened everyone with the knowledge I was previously content with taking with me to the grave, and yet it made me feel better. I am a bad person, I had decided a long time ago now. And yet, everytime I talk, the one word that I felt the least afraid to use ‘fixed’ was the one that provided the most visceral reaction from the others. Aside from these few choice words, I was only able to really understand what I was saying by looking at the reactions of everyone else. Reactions of disgust (at me) and of anger (at me). And yet, even though I feel like those reactions have to be towards me, all their glares of that nature seem to go directly passed me, and only the looks of sympathy really look straight into my heart. It’s… nice. Wait, if their looks of love are really pity and sympathy, than what are these looks they are giving me? They can’t both be the same thing, they are completely different feelings. And wait, this look they give me makes me feel much different from the looks of love- pity they give me, so they also can’t be the same from their. After everything though, one thing is for certain for me. As I look upon the 4 of them, and on the dog on the floor, curling up next to me, wanting to comfort me in anyway he could, there was one thought that permeated my mind:

I want to live.

“Oh, can I uh, tell you guys one more thing?” I say, every word, every sound being broken up by a sob, multiplying in intensity every time one comes out. Mami and Vee had now moved to my front and back respectively, giving me the biggest hug I’ve ever felt.

“Go on Carino” my mami says to me.

“Today, when I uh, when I uh was coming home. I was gonna uh, go up to the uh bathroom. And uh, I was going to uh,” I pause. I wanted to tell them, but could I? This mountain was the height of mount everest. Could I realistically pick it up? I attempted, and while it took a while I finally got it out of the earth. “I was going to take all of the pills in my ADHD pill bottle. I was g-going to kill myself”

All was silent. Nothing moved after that moment, my mother and my sister, their sobs were suddenly getting louder than mine. I couldn’t imagine the pain they were going through right now. And I was the cause of that pain. I couldn’t believe myself, I think. I had caused them so much grief already. Luz Noceda was a horrible person, I had decided

And yet, this was the warmest I felt in a long time.

Chapter Text

I feel cold. All of the time, everyday all I can feel is a frost lingering near me, nearly consuming every fiber of my being. My veins run ice cold, almost everyday I wake up to a bone rattling chill, one that I have felt continually on and on since childhood. I wake up and look out my window, out into the car infested parking lots, and of nearby luxury stores my parents would take me to get clothes and jewelry I never liked.

The river in the middle of the town is the only thing I like about this hell hole. When I’m not needed for anything (I’m hardly needed anymore), I make my way to the river, to the rapids. Sometimes I would skip stones on the river's surface, listening to the water reverberate as it bounded each time. It was one of the few things I could actually take pleasure in: after all, my parents wouldn’t mind if I failed a task as meaningless as skipping a stone.

I work my way up, and try not to put too much pressure on my arm; after last night, it probably hurts. As I pull my covers off, the feeling of chills increases, the breeze from outside flowing in the scars; the images of the scars on that gir- Luz’s arms, it would never leave my imagination. I could only see the images of me picking on her, bullying her, reaching her breaking point, until coming home one day and doing… that to her body. I guess I was looking for an out, a way to make up for my failings. And so, I did the same as she did. A grim reminder of what harm I’m capable of.

Even now, I’m still so selfish.

I work up the courage to get up further, making sure not to press down too hard on my newly bad arm. I look to the arm: scars litter up and down it. I had promised myself I would never do this again, never self harm in the name of correcting a mistake I made again. I knew time and time again where this would lead. And yet, I went back on this promise. Yesterday was just too much for me to handle. I guess, in the end, I can never really change who I am. My eyes flow down to the hand, downstream from the scars, I see a ring on my finger. My engagement ring.

A reminder of why I have most of the issues I now do: my parents, I think to them, and feel an overwhelming urge to scream out in pain. They don’t do that anymore, I think to myself, but the memories of leather hitting skin, though years old at this point, still surface anytime I think of them. They’ve changed, I think; that was an alcohol problem, and once they sobered up, they haven’t laid a finger on me. And yet, whenever I think of them, that’s always the first memories my mind brings up. Does that make me a bad person, being unable to forgive them, even all these years later?

It’s not like they’ve been the best of parents since, though. They haven’t really been here, ever since the hitting stopped, and while they haven’t been hurting me physically anymore, the way my parents talk to me leaves scars on me, their words driving a dagger through my heart. Talks about how disappointing I’ve been recently drags on longer in my head than the words themselves take to come out. And now they got me engaged to this boy named ‘Hunter Whittebane’.

I mean, he’s nice enough. He hasn’t been outright rude to me, and it seems we even share some commonalities, such as both of us being brought up in controlling households. It’s just… he’s not my type, I don’t think. Luckily though, the feeling is mutual (it was a relief to learn that) so on our setup dates, we usually talk about plans of how to get him and I out of it. It’s some of the most fun I’ve had just talking to someone in years, ever since I…

That’s right, that’s what I was going to do today. I head to the bathroom; I need to get ready for what may be the hardest day I’ve ever had in my life. Maybe a little self exaggeration? Sure, but today (if I don’t mess it up, like I somehow always seem to do) will be hard. I head into the shower, and just for a bit, try to enjoy the warmth of the water. It’s a nice reminder that maybe I’m not a frozen block of ice: after all, if I was, I couldn’t feel this good under the spray. After finishing up washing my hair and body, though, I unfortunately have to turn the water off. I step out, and shiver as my body exits the nice warm blanket.

All the warmth does is make the cold all the more unbearable.

I continue with my routine, heading first to the bathroom sink, where I brush my hair and teeth, making sure to get every inch of both on my head. I then walk out, and, walking quickly (I forgot to bring a pair of clothes with me, and I’m currently REALLY cold) run into my bedroom. Wind seeps into the cuts of my arms once again, my blood stream running ice cold. God, I really am stupid, huh? Though I maybe deserve this; the pain I inflicted on others wrapped around others for much longer than the immediate period after I did those actions; Luz proved that to me yesterday. So maybe the pain I’m inflicted deserves to hurt even after the cuts.

I continue on to my dresser, and work on picking out an outfit for today's excursion. As cold as I’ve been feeling today, I should probably wear something to cover my legs, I think to myself, as I try to decide whether I want to wear some sweatpants or long jeans. My parents always force me to wear dresses to formal and academic excursions, so it’s nice to be able to wear something so not traditionally feminine, even if I do like those things as well. I eventually decided on the sweatpants; while I don’t dislike denim, it’s not my favorite material either.

Of course, I need to wear a hoodie. I can’t let people notice the scars on my arms, least of which Willow. I’ve hurt her so much at this point, that I bet she wouldn’t even mind seeing me with all of them. And frankly, I don’t blame her one bit. With all that decided, I pick up the letter; I’m too much of a coward to tell her in person, and since she probably never wants to see me again anyway, so it works for both of us! I slip it into my pocket, and walk downstairs, to see Ed and Em sitting on the couch, chatting away.

“Finally woke up, ey Mittens?” I hear Ed say out of the corner of the room. Just a few months ago, hearing this would have enraged me; afterall, I never consented to this nickname, I don’t like it, and my siblings are annoying, why won’t they just leave me alone! These past few months have been… rough, however, and my siblings have been nothing but supportive of me. They are currently the only people who know about my past self harm, and helped me fix up the wounds (though they don’t know about yesterday; I’m not planning on telling them, I don’t want to bother them once again). It was even there idea to go apologize to Willow, though their idea was face to face.

“Heh, yeah Ed. I know you didn’t go to sleep yesterday. Do you think I didn’t hear your little Gundam marathon last night?” I reply, and sit next to them, Em and I laughing to ourselves, while Edric’s face drops to utter despair.

“You don’t think Mom and Dad heard that, right?” Edric’s desperate voice escapes, obviously afraid of getting grounded. He and Em apparently had escapades planned with their friend group, which consisted of them 2, Viney, Barcus, and Jerbo. They all were pretty cool, from what I’ve seen, so I don’t blame him for being afraid of not being able to go.

“No, Ed” Emira replied, “They sleep on the opposite side of the house, and left on a business trip as soon as they woke up” all of us sighed, not wanting to even think about how little they really cared about us, before chuckling to ourselves. At least it wasn’t all bad, I think; at least I still had them. Even if I had burned all my bridges with anyone who isn’t the most annoying person in existence, at least I still had them
“So, uh” I start with them, starting to get antsy, nervous, and overall a mess of emotions. “I’m going to go visit Willow, and drop her the letter” I say to them, as they nod their heads. “Is there, uh, anything for me to eat before I go?”

“Oh sure, let me go make you a sandwich or something. Em made a smoothie earlier, so I will give you that before you leave.” Ed calls as he gets up to prepare a sandwich.

“Oh, let me help then” I rise out of my chair, my body moving towards the kitchen. I first get the Turkey and block of cheese out of the fridge for Ed, which he thanks me for. I then rummage through the fridge, and find a barrage of fruits waiting for me. Multiple varieties of berries and pomes lay waiting, ready to be picked. Why did we even have this much food? We have way too much food for even the 5 of us in here, and yet, our parents don’t even cook; we have to fend for ourselves almost everyday, unless it was an important party of course.

I finally decide on some grapes and a banana, thinking it complements a sandwich like that well enough. I head to the sink to wash the grapes off. The water runs down my fingers, tingling them everytime. The water is already cold, hitting my fingers and hands with a thud, a snow on a chilly December day, despite it now being mid august.

It doesn’t matter. It’s always way too cold.

I finish up and turn the water off, and carefully place the grapes onto the plate, and pick a Banana from the lower cabinet… oh, wrong one. I check another, and another, before finding, before eventually finding it on my 4th attempt. Our kitchen is way too big, and yet it also almost never has something that would be thought of as “flavorful”.

After Ed had finished the sandwich, we all 3 sat back down on the couch, and I ate with them. It was always the quiet moments like that that I liked more than anything else. Especially when my parents were gone, when I could fully appreciate the people already around me, the ones that actually cared enough to always want to be around me. Ed and Em really are my reason for living at this point; the idea that people could love me for me.

Even if it was only them that were able to love me.

All too quickly, though, I was done with my brunch (dang, I really had slept in a lot today! If my parents were here, they would probably kill me), and was ready to head out into the wide and expansive unknown. Well, less unknown, and more frozen over. As I walk into this mass glacier of a path to me, I feel the arctic winds blow over as I recount the day I had let go of Willow as a friend. The way I made her feel, shown by the desperation in her eyes; I couldn’t look at her for the next few years afterwards, because I could just see the look in her eyes, and realize that *I* had caused that.

My feet work faster and faster, desperately trying to pump heat into my now freezing body, every gust of wind blowing desperately past me, turning into solid ice as my freezing husk of a body passes by. I run, not really knowing where to go; I hadn’t been to her house in 7 long years, how would I know where it was now? Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe what she needed wasn’t an apology for me.

Maybe what she needed was for me to die.

As the wind continues to rush by me, the feeling in my bloodstream, opened by the wounds I inflict on myself, freezes inside my body and creates a monster of frost inside me. I watch as the world around me falls into an eternal winter. A blizzard hit the town, whirl winding the town around her gusts of wind, creating a trail of snow wherever she went, and taking away the warmth of whoever may have been in her way. The storm creates struggles along with taking that away, making other people clean up the piles of snow she creates along the way.

The blizzards name was Amity Blight.

I look up, and I find myself on a familiar street. I street that felt nostalgic to her somehow, yet also brought up bad memories as well. A melancholic atmosphere spilled out of me as I noticed that balcony I remembered all too well. Populated with various plants, most overgrown to the point of going well down the balcony. And yet, that overgrowth, despite it being a bit much, just proved the plants were still alive; that they were still being loved and cared for, that they didn’t have to worry about death, not yet at the very least. That they could live how they pleased, that they were free. That they were still alive. That Willow was still alive.

The thought was enough to bring warmth to me, that I hadn’t killed Willow's inner plant, that she was still sprouting into a brilliant flower. That I hadn’t brought eternal winter to Willows heart, that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t responsible for death. That maybe I’m not a horrible person. I consider for a second talking to Willow, apologizing in person, and making my feelings bear for her to see. Explaining what happened, and pledging to protect her from the rest of the bullies for the entirety of her high school career.

“You really think that would be enough huh Amity?”

What?

“That you could really be forgiven that easily? Do you have any idea what I have been through because of you? You made the past 7 years of my life a living HELL because of you and your friends bullying me, and now you expect me to believe that you were PRESSURED into doing all that? Give me a break. You probably don’t believe any of that either, do you? Do you really think this was all everyone else's fault? Do you really think you don’t share some of the blame? Why did you come here anyway? If you really want me to forgive you, leave me alone please. Or better yet, why don’t you just disappear? Why don’t you just go into a hole and die, isn’t that how Boscha phrased it?”

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! I collapsed, unable to comprehend what was going on. I can’t do that, not to Willow. She doesn’t deserve to have to see my face again, not after everything I’ve done to her. It’s better this way, I convince myself of. Still, it hurts, not being able to see my old friend again because of a strain in our relationship, because one of us hates the other now, that we can’t ever be together again. I threw all that away, for parents that have never loved me, and for friends that have never cared about me. Willow is a being that needs heat to live, and I’m a being of pure cold; we are incompatible, we can never be friends again.

I take one last good look at my letter. I kept it simple; I don’t want to make excuses or explanations, I want Willow to know I’m really sorry. It won’t matter if she is confused on why this happened, not if she also doesn’t want to see me again. I look through every word carefully, making sure one more time that I was fully happy with it.

‘Dear Willow

Hey, it’s Amity. I know you probably don’t want to hear from me but I needed to tell you this. I’m sorry for the past 7 years, for all the bullying you had to endure because of me and my friends.

I’m sorry we picked on you for your weight, your academics, your athleticism, I’m sorry we had ruined your birthday on multiple occasions.

I’m sorry we accused you of cheating on that one test when we had the same answers; in reality, it was us who had cheated off you.

I’m sorry we consistently tried to take away your lunch money almost everyday for a year; in the letter, I have attached a cash amount equal to the amount Boscha took from you.

I’m sorry my friends told you that your fathers were immoral for being gay and called them the f slur. That was out of line with them, and even though I wasn’t personally involved in that, it still doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for their behavior. To tell you the truth, I’m actually gay myself, so hopefully you know that I support you guys

I’m sorry I never stood up for you against them, and even participated at times; you never deserved any of that treatment, and I can’t understate how much that probably hurt you.

But most of all, I’m sorry I broke it off between us; I’m sorry we haven’t really talked in the past 7 years, not unless I was bullying you. I’m sorry I broke us apart like that. I’m sorry I called you weak, and told you that was the reason I stopped being friends with you. Believe me Willow, you were NEVER too weak to be my friend.
I was too weak to be yours

I promise I won’t let them pick on you ever again. I promise if they even attempt to lay a finger on you, or speak to you in anyway other than positively, I will stop them right then and there. I’m done being their friend; I don’t want that to be who I am for the rest of my life. I know you probably don’t want to be my friend again either, so I have a tall task of finding people I actually want to be around again, but if it lets me get away from who I was, I will do anything.

Sincerely,
Amity Blight

Ps. I also attached that picture we made together for our 3rd grade art project of us holding hands that we wrote “Best Friends Forever” on and got a 100 on. I know it may not be the best of memories for you, but for me it was one of the best days of my life. I think you are deserving to have it, and that you should be allowed to do whatever you want to with it. Again, I’m sorry, and I don’t expect forgiveness in the slightest.’

I’m satisfied. I know it is not near enough to make up for all I did, but hopefully Willow can at least accept it as the new end of our relationship. A happier ending, so to speak, that instead of being left confused, she now definitively knows I was the one who did the wrong here. She had probably already come to this conclusion herself, but it’s a nice note to leave things out on.

I pull out the envelope and open it up, putting first the letter, folded into neat thirds, into the front of it, then putting the picture behind, and before ending off with the money, count to make sure it’s the correct amount. One hundred, Two hundred, Twenty, Forty, Fifty, Fifty-five, Fifty-seven, Fifty-eight. Two hundred and fifty eight dollars. That should pay for it all; hopefully I didn’t forget anything. I put the wad of money into the envelope, lick the fold, and seal it shut. Then, after 7 years of waiting, I finally ended our relationship on the right terms, putting the envelope in the mailbox.

I suddenly feel light, no longer the girl crying on the sidewalk I was just minutes earlier. I hadn’t made it up to Willow, not by a long shot, but I could walk away confidently now, knowing I was going too in the future.

And so, the Frost Queen and the Flower Princess were to never speak again, as if one spoke to the other, both would come out scattered and scared, unable to move past the old ways they lived. They were fated to be apart, some could say, and that they were unable to be by each other's side anymore.

After all, plants don’t grow well in the arctic.

Chapter Text

I take a step. Then another. Then a third. I walk out of the house, leash tied firmly to my arm. I had volunteered to take King on a walk, a day after I told everyone everything, the day after I had decided that I had wanted to live, if not for myself yet, then for everyone else. That day had been a whirlwind of emotions, that’s for sure.

The moment after I had told them I was planning on killing myself that day, it had started raining, drops of water pitter pattering onto my shoulders, soaking that part. It seemed weird how that rain had fallen though, how the rain went entirely down my sides, nothing coming down onto the middle of my body, and right above where my sister and mother were located. But it was still rain, because I couldn't handle the idea that it was their tears.

The idea that I had made my family cry

No no, that’s not something I can accept. If I did, I’d have to punish myself. Making the ones I loved cry, that’s not something I can just let go by me. I’d have to either starve or hurt myself if I did that. But I can’t exactly do that, huh? They know now, there’s no way I could sneak a knife or a missed meal behind their back. They have me on high guard.

I even failed Belos too, huh? All he did was help me, and yet I ran back home and told them an out of context story about him hitting and starving me, without telling them the reasons he did. Well, I did tell them, but they still didn’t seem to understand. Even after I told them I agreed with what he did; that he was just trying to help fix me, that seemed to put them even more on edge. More ready to kill, that was an emotion I saw out of them.

Why can’t I stop thinking that should be directed at me?

I take a fourth step, then a fifth, then a seventeenth, then somewhere in the hundreds. I stopped counting after I got to thirty. As I keep marching on though, more memories pile up in my mind. That intent stare that Chairman Belos gave me whenever he was going to punish me with his cane; it’s the same stare mommy gave to no one in particular when I told her how sorry I was I couldn’t come home fixed. Maybe she wanted to punish me too, but just felt too full of pity for me to do so.

“I’m so sorry mija. I’m so, so sorry” she said through tears, unable to bring herself to look at me. “If I knew camp was going to do all… THIS to you, I would have never sent you there. I know that doesn’t really make up for what I did but I do want you to know that.” She said, words intermixed with sobs. What does she mean though? I consented to all those things that were done to me. I didn’t have to have punishments.

It was just the only way for anyone to love me. Ever

“So, so you don’t hate me?” I ask her. The face she makes in response to this question almost leaves a mark on my skin, despite nothing touching at all. Chills run down my spine as I see my mothers already sobbing face contort even more, her mouth crinkling more and more as her eyes flicker in and out. Everytime she tried to speak, all that was coming out was sobs. I broke her. This is all my fault. I’m a horrible person. I shouldn’t have even said anything at all.

“Where did you get the idea that she hated you kid?” Eda says on her side. She also seems emotionally distressed, but isn’t nearly at the same level that my mom is at right now. Of course she isn’t. She doesn’t know me. She’s probably just upset at me for making her friend cry.

“I thought that’s why you sent me.” I start, only then noticing that I’m sobbing nearly as much as she is. Fuck, now’s not the time for this. I need to help solve this, I can’t let my emotions spill over right now. Mami looks back towards me, her face changing from crinkled to wide, as if she had not even expected this. Did I have this all wrong? “I just remember how disappointed you were at the time. And I guess I convinced myself that you hated me. I just wanted to be the daughter you wanted me to be…”

“Stop.” my mami interjects. Silence permeates everything afterword, nothing needing to be said. I look over to Vee, who has sat next to me on the couch, hugging me gently. I lean into her more. “Luz, promise me something, okay. I know it will be hard with how bad that camp was, but it’s something I need you to promise me okay?” I nod my head, and look to my other side. The dog, who’s name I learned to be king, squished himself opposite to Vee. I pet him.

“Please, never think about yourself that way ever again” she follows up. Can I really promise that, though? If it’s how I really feel, is it possible for me to just decide not to feel that way? If I have nightmares almost every time I try to sleep? If everytime I do anything wrong, I feel sick to my stomach, or feel my wrist heat up? If I can’t think of anything positive about myself? I have to do this though, don’t I? I can’t fail her. Not again.

“Okay.”. I respond, after an eternity. “I can’t promise I will stop thinking it entirely, but I can promise to try” The storm clouds that surround her face don’t disappear, but do clear up a bit, and the dark mist that permeates my existence retreats a bit, clearing up enough light to see the loving look everyone is giving me. Mami, Vee, hell even Eda. I want to believe that is true love. Is it hard to? Yes, but I can’t think that way anymore. For mami’s sake. “I love you mami”

“I love you too Mija. So much more than you could know. And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have sent you away like that. I shouldn’t have sent you away at all.” All at once, the clouds return, all the progress that was just made disappearing in the night. It’s midday, and yet it feels so dark. The light disappears in everything, and I can no longer see anything. It’s so much harder to go back into the darkness, after you have a taste of light.

“I forgive you Mami” I reach out to the light again, hoping to make it stay. It vanishes however, nothing remaining from that break in the storm. It’s gone. I silently pray that it’s not forever. I’m so afraid of it being forever.

“You shouldn’t have to, Mija” she replies back to me. I know I can’t bring back that light. I stop trying. I give everyone one last hug as we enter the kitchen. Mami says I need to eat right now. I bite into my lunch. My stomach hurts as I try to stomach it. My mami says I need to eat. I know she’s right, but still, even something as light as a sandwich turns my insides out. Thoughts of “You don’t deserve this” twists around in my mind.

In that moment, I realize that nothing will be the same ever again.

I’m running. I realize that now. How long was I thinking about yesterday? I don’t know, but as I awaken back to my reality, I look around and find myself on an unfamiliar street. A street lined with houses on both sides. A street that seems to be free of any vehicles, aside from an occasional bicycle on the side walk. Each house seems to be a double story, with one unit on the bottom and another on the top.

I walk further along the cobblestone road. One house has vines coming down from the top story. The bottom story is a shop, it looks like a pastry shop. Hmm. I need to eat, but is my stomach prepared to eat a pastry? It’s pretty rich. Maybe another time, because it smells really good. I look inside and see 2 people sitting at a table talking. One is a girl with long, curly, nearly jet black hair and glasses. The other is a short brown haired boy who seems to be listening intently.

Suddenly and without warning, they turn to look at me. Oh no, they are probably gonna yell at me for spying at me. I guess it’s my fault for looking through the… wait, are they waving me in. I guess they aren’t mad at me? I think about going in and apologizing to them, but then I remember the dog around my arm. I can’t and good faith go in there. I show them the leash around my dog, and try to silently apologize.

Instead of going back to their conversation however, they get up and come outside. “Hi!” they both say in unison. Wow okay this is kind of overwhelming. They both exude a positive energy that it’s hard to compare to. It kinda reminds me of how I was before camp. ‘Though, probably a lot less annoying’ my innervoice starts before I shut it down. No, I promised I would stop thinking that way.

“Uh, hello?” I reply, before I start before I realize how rude that could have sounded. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to come off that way. I promise you that wasn’t supposedtoberudeoranythinglikethatIwasjustconfusedonhowtorespondafteryousaidhisoenthusiasticallypleasedon’thatemeIpromisethatwasn’twhatIwastryingto…”

“Girl, chill” the long haired girl stops me before I can go further on that tangent of non stop talking. “It’s okay, we could tell that you weren’t trying to be rude by doing that. My name is Willow by the way.” She introduces herself. “And this little trouble maker over here is…”

“GUS!” he finishes her sentence off. All she can do is shake her head, that smile on her face showing that she isn’t really disapproving. Still though, his face loses the spark it had before. “Sorry, I just love that nickname you gave me. I just can’t wait to say it everytime you refer to me.” He grins sheepishly, though still a little down.

“Don’t worry Gus, I’m not mad at you. Just try to hold yourself back, okay? It’s rude to interrupt people in the middle of their sentences, you know?” She then grabs him into a light and playful chokehold, and gives him a little bit of nuggie on the top of his head. Chuckling permeates that atmosphere a bit sounds of 3 people laughing rumbling in my ears. Wait 3? Lets see there’s Gus, Willow, and…

Me. Huh

“Aye aye mam!” Gus get’s out of the chokehold and gives a little salute Willows way. I start laughing even harder, chuckling to the point that my sides start to hurt quite a bit.

“Damn, you guys are a riot.” I doubled over in laughter, almost to the point that it's painful. This is the hardest I’ve laughed in a REALLY long time, I figure. I can’t believe it took until I got here to be able to experience this amount of joy again.”

“My pleasure” the boy does a little bow to me and somehow that makes me start laughing even more.

“What’s your name by the way?” Willow replies back to me. And oh wow. Name. I forgot to introduce myself. And I was already joining into their obviously friend antics. Wow, that was rude of me. I’m always supposed to introduce myself first, and laughing more than a chuckle is also against the rules. That’s 2 meals I… wait no I’m not doing that anymore. I need to remember: no more punishments.

“Oh uh, yeah, sorry about that, hahaha.” I awkwardly spit out to them. “I’m Luz. Nice to uh meet you. Did you guys go do Silas Deane?” I ask. I had a reputation there, so there’s a chance they may at least know about me if they did. They nod their head yes. “Yeah, so did I. I was fairly infamous at my school. I was most well known as the ‘Luzer’” I add a chuckle. It hurt, but I don’t want to let that show. Not to someone I don’t know that well. Not to anyone, I hadn’t even told Mami about it.

“Boscha and her gang, huh?” Wow, spot on. I’m guessing she knows more than I expected. Not sure why I’m surprised. She’s pretty famous (or infamous, I suppose depending on who you asked) at the school. That’s what being the star volleyball player does to you, though. I nod my head.

“Yeah they kinda suck I’m not gonna lie.” I chuckle, scratching the back of my head a little bit. I think back to yesterday, and that weird interaction I had with Amity. At the time my mind was a bit… preoccupied with other things, but thinking back on it, it was actually really strange. “I had a weird interaction with Amity yesterday though, and I’m not sure what’s going on there.”

“Weird in what way?” Willow pries, curiosity filling her eyes, and yet being conjoined with fear.

“Well she works at the library, right?” I start, Willow nodding along with me. “Well, she essentially apologized to me out of nowhere and started talking about how she ‘Wouldn’t let people pick on me’ again, and the whole time she seemed like she was on the verge of tears. I was gone for basically the entirety of summer, so leaving here with Amity still being a prick and then coming back to THAT was kind of shocking. Did something happen to her?”

“Nothing I know about” Willow adds in. “Though she did tell me basically the same thing, just in the form of a letter. Hell, the letter even contained a BUNCH of money in it. That was actually what Gus and I were talking about in there. I don’t know if she just didn’t want to face me like that, but she is definitely acting weird right now. I don’t know if I fully trust her yet to be completely honest.”

“Yeah me neither. If I’m being honest” I respond to her. I don’t have any reason to fully believe her “Though, she did at least seem genuine about it. Gonna have to pry that information out of her!” I then do a weird motion with my arm, which gets a hearty chuckle out of both of them. I don’t know much yet about these 2, but they seem nice enough.

I look up to the sky. Crap, the sun is going to set sometime in the next half hour. And I have no idea where I am. “Oh hey, uh, sorry guys, but I am gonna have to go. I would LOVE to hang out with you two again sometime though, so do you mind if we trade our contacts so we could talk sometime? Only if you want to, of course, haha.”

“Of course!” Gus yells happily from where he stands. “We would love to Luz, you are such a fun person to talk to! Here, hand over your phone real quick. I’ll add both mine and Willow's number to your phone. Only if your okay with it though, of course Willow.” He adds sheepishly

“Go right ahead Gus. I would LOVE to talk to you later Luz.” And then suddenly, it started raining. The clear day breaks away into stormy clouds, plummeting down drops of water from the sky, each one going pitter patter on the ground below. My face stands wet and yet the rest of my body feels as dry as ever. This probably isn’t rain, I think. I’m probably crying. But if you asked me later, I would’ve told you it was rain.

“LUZ, ARE YOU OKAY?” Willow asks me. “Why are you crying? Did we upset her in some way? Oh no Luz, I’m so sorry, we really didn’t mean to upset you like that, I’m so sorry”

“Don’t worry, you didn’t upset me” I say, through wimpers. I’m not full on sobbing, but this feeling of gratitude is very overwhelming. “It’s just been a while since I’ve had someone who wasn’t family be so nice to me.”

“Oh wow. Uhhhhhhhh, do I say you’re welcome, or is that insensitive right now?” Gus replies to me.

“Hahaha don’t worry Gus, I don’t think you're insensitive at all. Thank you both so much. You are both such nice people.” I say, starting to return a bit to reality. “I know this is a weird question to ask, but do you mind if I can ask to be your guys friend?” I awkwardly force out, nothing about my demeanor being solid at all? “Only if you want to of course though, haha. I understand if you wouldn…”

“We would love to Luz. Come back here at some point. You know the way here, so we would love to have you back.”

“Well actually, I don’t really know my way here” I scratch my head sheepishly. “I actually came here by zoning out in the middle of my walk, so I have no idea how to come back here without directions, haha.”

“Wait, so are you telling me you don’t have an idea of how to get home?” Willow says, worry slowly starting to creep her way onto her face. “Do you need some help? Since you don’t have any idea on how to get back home?” Right after she said that, Gus handed me back my phone. I look at my contact list. Willow and Gus, right there at the top. Then I look right below. My Mami, a few minutes ago, asking where I was, and asking me if I was okay. Crap, I should answer her.

“Oh don’t worry about me, I can use my map app to find the way back home. I’ll be fine.” I give them a little hand gesture to show them that I will be okay. “Thanks for the concern though! I’ll be sure to text you later or tomorrow to find a time we can hang out before school starts back up!”

“For sure Luz!” Gus says, very cheerful about the idea. It’s weird having friends, but I like it a lot more then not having friends. I think. “Well, see ya later then girl!” He adds on. “Bye!!!” they say together in unison. I like Willow and Gus a lot I think.

“BYEEEEE!!!” I reply back to them, then turn to reply to mom, telling her I was okay, and the good news, before scrolling my screen and selecting the map app, putting in my address.

All and all, today was a good day I figure.

Chapter Text

Ever since I had gotten home from Summer Camp, it felt as if I was in a different place than the one I had left. Nothing had really gone to normal, not yet at the very least, and it’s hard to see anything changing. Everytime I come out of my room, it feels like everyone is walking on eggshells around me, no natural dialog happening between Mami, Vee, and I, as it had before. I just wish it would go back to before.

Everytime I felt wanting more than anything to go back, however, I fall back into a similar internal debate. It seemed like it would go through these motions:

“What, you want to go back to them pitying you? And here I thought you wanted to change yourself. All you really want is that validation, huh? Think about how much Chairman Belos did for you back at camp, and you're gonna throw all that away just because they tell you they love you? News flash, they don’t. Because you haven’t put any effort for them TO love you. You should just stop this pretending, and put yourself out of this misery already”

I would always refute everything the voice said in my head, telling myself that I really was loved by my family. But even thinking those thoughts hurt, because it still almost didn’t feel real in a way. That I could ever be loved for anything about myself. It just didn’t make sense to me. That was the toughest part, I feel. That, unlike what my family tried to tell me, the words that came out of chairman Belos’s mouth just… made SENSE to me.

My mom blames my self hatred on camp and Chairman Belos, and while these thoughts, sure, did get worse at camp, it also didn’t start there, not really anyway. I would never tell her this, because it would probably hurt her even more if I told her that I’ve always felt this way, in some ways. It would hurt because, even though I love her, she helped facilitate this, this burning desire to want something different, something more out of myself.

This desire to want to become someone else

I don’t blame her though. Not at all. I know that she doesn’t mean to hurt me in this way. The way we all came together when dad died was something that I felt I would always treasure, that, despite his passing, we would always have each other. It was sad, and I cried every day for a month afterwards, but through all those tears, I always had mi familia.

That was the hardest part about camp, the lack of connection I had with anyone there. Sure, I would gain acquaintances there that I would talk to at my dorm room and at lunch (when I wasn’t spending it with Belos), but nothing that ever developed into a deeper connection. Near the end of my time at camp, I had started spending down time alone in Belos’s office. He wasn’t there, instead out at camp, but it was the only place I could think to spend my time.

I sometimes just liked listening to Belos talk. He seemed like he had a similar perspective on life as me. That love was something to be earned, and that through rigorous social awareness, that you can have people love you. It was nice, feeling justified for once.

Since I got back, it seems like I missed a few new faces. Eda and King had started to become more prominent parts of my life. The dog seemed natural at making me feel better, always snuggling close to me at night, and always waking me up with the biggest smile on his face, slobber coming down from his mouth. I loved having him around, and while it was hard for me to come to terms with that my family might actually like me, dogs can’t fake it. I like them for that.

Eda was a bit harder to figure out though. I like her, that’s for sure. I had even almost accidentally called her mom yesterday! Isn’t that crazy?! She seemed to always be there for me, which was a little weird for someone I hadn’t met before a week ago. I figured I should ask her about that, but it still feels a bit awkward. Like, that I had intruded on a stranger's life. And that soon, I may overstep her boundaries.

She certainly fascinated me though, what with how she carried herself in life. She exuded a confidence in how she lived I could only dream of having. She seemed like she had her life in order, and that she wanted the whole world to know it. And yet she still had that playful side to her that always popped out every now and again, taking small jabs at me, and flirting with my mom.

That was something she noticed too: Eda very obviously liked my mom, and that was both very heartwarming and reliving. She tried her best, but she would wink and fawn over her right in front of me, making VERY cringy comments to her that felt like it was straight of a teen romcom.

I want to see them together, part of me thinks as I witness these things. Sure, dad’s death still stings, but my mom deserves to be able to move on, even if it would be weird suddenly having a new parent in your life after 11 years of the same 2 faces and another 3 of just 1 of those 2, but Luz had decided she liked Eda already 3 days ago. She was there for me just as much as the rest of my family was. Of course, only if mami was also interested

Vee felt like she understood best what was going on with me. She was abused before being adopted by us after all, and even though I’ve only known her for a little over dad dying, she had already become an indispensable part of myself. It was hard to understate how much she meant to me, coming in soon before the loneliest (well, now second loneliest) time in my life, and becoming a key component of it.

As soon as I had told everyone what had happened to me at camp, Vee seemed to start becoming more clingy to me. She would often ask if she could sleep with me.

“Hmm?” I say to her rhythmically, almost unsure of myself and what my own thought process was telling me. She quickly comes in and shuts the door behind herself, rolling onto the side of my bed facing the wall, and bringing me into a tight hug, nearly crushing all the air out of my lungs “V-v-ee, c-can’t b-b-breath”

She quickly lets up on me, clearly panicking “I’m so sorry Luz, are you okay? Oh god, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m so…”

“Woah woah, Vee, chill out for a second,” I tell her, lightly grabbing her hand under the blanket “I’m okay, see, you just pulled me in a bit too tight. You don’t have to apologize every time you do something slightly wrong” I see the irony in that statement at the time, but it feels somehow different when Vee does it compared to me. “Hey, not that I don’t love you being here or anything, but do you mind if I ask you why you wanted to come sleep with me?”

“Oh that. Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, but when I was, you know…” she ventured off, showing a sign of her relapsing back into her abuse. Looking at her, I squeeze her hand just slightly to get her back to me. “Oh sorry about that” I shake my head. I would do that for her anytime.

“Well, back then, I would always have to sleep alone, and I always thought about how nice it would be to have someone around that truly loved me.” she continued on, wanting to hold my hand even tighter as she did. “I remembered how cold I would feel on nights alone after my parents arrest” her hand continued to tighten around me, though not to levels that would hurt

“Every night it felt like, until after you guys adopted me, I would have nightmares about being hit again. And when I woke up alone, I would wake up frightened. Do you have those same types of nightmares?” I nod my head yes, and it was hard to hear. I know what they were like now, and no one, especially not Vee, should have to go through those. “Well, I figured having someone here beside you would make those better”

It felt like a tsunami had just hit my eyeballs, whirlwinds cascading around my pupils, bringing with it thundering waves of water onto my skin. It worked it’s way through me, and suddenly sobs filled the previously silent air, with me looking towards Vee, and all I could see in her eyes were love, as she quietly combed my hair from behind me, petting me as I ran through all my pent up emotions. “Shh, it’s okay Luz, I’m here”
Even still, some habits had died hard, like my current eating issue. It felt hard to even DIGEST food, let alone enjoy it. It felt wrong, as if I wasn’t supposed to be eating. And technically I wasn’t; I was supposed to be being punished for being a disobedient and disappointing child. But Mami DEFINITELY wouldn’t be allowing that. She had set some new rules for me to follow, first of which included not starving or hurting myself. Makes sense.

So here I was, sitting down at the table with a plate full of food in it. A grilled ham and cheese sandwich, a serving of her homemade fried rice, an assortment of fruits and vegetables, including carrots, grapes, celery, and slices of pineapple, and a glass of milk. Pretty standard meal. I stare at it though, instead of eating it. Everytime I would try to take a bite, I would stare at it for too long, and decide it wasn’t worth it, putting my fork down. Both Mami and Eda stared at me intently, hoping to see me consume at least some of it.

“Oh, our sandwiches should be done now!” Mami suddenly said, getting up from her chair. “Eda, Luz, I have an idea!” She said, getting back to the kitchen counter. She started cutting up some more vegetables and fruits, with Eda slowly coming around to help her. They cut the pineapple carefully, then quickly got through the celery and carrots, getting them into perfect circular slices. They quickly set their plates, putting their sandwiches and rice onto the table.

“So, what if we each took turns taking bites from our food?” Mami suggested to us, clapping her hands together as she did. “Would that make you feel more comfortable, Mija? Seeing us eat around you as you also eat? It works for the animals I take care of that have eating issues as well: You eat, they eat. What do you say?”

Mami was obviously trying her best to be accommodating to me. She wanted me to feel safe eating again. She’s just the type of person who knows these kinds of things, I guess. “Okay, sure, I’m willing to give it a try” I give her the most genuine smile I can right now, which is mostly genuine, but even I can tell there’s a part of it that is a bit non truthful. That part of it didn’t believe it would work. Still, I trust her.

Okay, well, how about I start, then Eda goes, and then you go, then we repeat, okay Mija?” I nod my head to her. “Okay well, here we go. Usually I would say we should do the meat first, but since your stomach is a bit weak right now, we will start with the fruit and vegetables, get your stomach warmed back up. Isn’t that right Eda” nudging Eda with her elbow

At this, the woman’s face heats up, seeming like a little forest fire. “Uhhh, yeah, let’s go with that Cami” she says with a nervous look to her then down to the plate. God, she was obvious with her crush it’s insane. She really wants to get them together; only if mami wants to of course, she would understand if she hasn’t moved on yet or if she just plain up wasn’t interested, but in her humble opinion, they would be perfect together.

“Alright then, here we go!” She started by stabbing her fork into ones of the grapes on her plate, chewing it down and then swallowing through her throat. It then went to Eda, who did the same. Finally coming to me, I instead decide to start with a slice of pineapple. It comes into my mouth hard, and at first my mind is telling me to spit it out. I fight that urge, however, and keep chewing on it, until it is fully mushy in my mouth, at which point I swallow it down.

This continues on until I get through the entirety of the fruits and vegetables section. We then move onto the rice, which we each take turns taking a spoonful of. That was done and we had finally come down to the main course: the sandwich. I put down my spoon, and just pick it up. It felt cold, I realize. “Oh uh, sorry it took so long for us to get to this, that it went cold.” I said to them, to which they both looked at me with a warm smile.

“It’s okay Carino, for you, I would eat a cold sandwich any day”

“Yeah kid” Eda had interjected. “I’m just glad to see you eating at all. If we keep this up, you should be able to eat by yourself again in no time” she patted me on the shoulder across the table, putting me at ease. It’s nice to have people like this in my life again, even if it was hard to fully believe it was love they felt towards me. Whatever it was, it made me feel good.

“Thanks ma- EDA!” I quickly correct myself, turning a shade of crimson in my blush. God, that was almost really embarrassing… or maybe it just WAS embarrassing, because next thing I know, I look over and I can see Mami and Eda snickering to themselves, with Mami whispering something into her ear. Oh god. At least she wasn’t mad at me? At least, I don’t think she is? She seems pretty amused by the whole thing, so I will assume she isn’t.

“Well, this sandwich isn’t gonna eat itself! Let’s dig in, girls!” she takes in a bite herself, taking a chunk out of the corner. Eda digs into the middle, wrapping the sandwich up like a tortilla. That gives me a hearty chuckle, it looks so goofy! I give myself a bit out of the front of it. In no time at all, we had each eaten all of our sandwiches. My stomach, which had been giving me all sorts of troubles before then, had now settled down and gave me appreciation for the food.

“Thanks guys,” I say quickly, as I can very much feel tears coming up my eyes and sobs coming up my throat. They come over around me and give me a hug from both sides, Mami giving me a front facing hug and Eda one from behind. “That helped more than you could imagine.”

“It was no issue Luz, especially if it lets you eat easier” she says, holding me tighter. “If you ever need help for anything else, just come to me or Eda. We will always have time to help you. I love you so much Mija”

“I love you too mami.” We stay like that for a while longer.

I turn the shower water off, and come out, quickly drying myself off. Then, picking up my toothbrush, I slowly work my way around my teeth and gums, making sure to get every spot in my mouth sparkly clean. After finishing, I cup a hand of water into my mouth, and spit the residue out. I look up to the mirror, and see myself, with the same batters and bruises that I had before.

I cover up my right eye, and look at my bare right side. Bruises on my body even I didn’t know about on my right torso, probably from Belos beating me there. As I look up at my arms, I see less and less bruise marks and more and more cuts; these ones are self-inflicted, from me cutting myself whenever I had a rash impulse. I look down then, going down to my thigh. More cuts wove their way onto my body, these ones larger than the ones on my arm.

I close my eyes, and then switch the eye I’m blocking to my left eye, before reopening. The cuts on this side are shorter, and less deep, given that I’m right handed. My left hand just can’t go as deep. Here though, the bruises from the beatings seem worse. I look over each one individually, recalling to myself where each came from, and how they had gotten on my skin. It hurt, back then physically, and now emotionally.

I uncover my left eye and take a look at the mirror fully.

I see me.

God, I’m such a fucking mess. What did everyone do to have to put up with me and my seemingly never ending issues. Every day seemed to be testing me at this point, with me almost breaking down every day. Even the most minor of things, like the opening and shutting of the front door, to someone their hand on me without asking first, made me feel like I was back there again. They shouldn’t have to deal with this.

I put on my clothes, and walk outside to start my day. It’s now 2 days before school starts, and I'm not sure I’m quite ready yet. I’ve been doing somepre year studying subjects I find hardest (particularly history) but the actual learning is the least of my worries. What if I break down at the mere sight of a chalkboard? What if I feel distraught at me missing a question during class discussion? What if…

No, I need to stop thinking like that. My family needs me to be at the top of my game. They shouldn’t have to keep looking after me. I can’t keep making them go through all these hoops just to make sure I’m okay.

So I pretend to be okay, even though it wasn't real.

Chapter Text

I wake up in a cold sweat, my body's precipitation clinging to my body and making me shiver. Today wasn’t going to be very fun, I thought to myself before I try to get up. It’s obviously still very early, because no noise could be heard downstairs, and no light was currently shining in through the windows. King was by my side, nuzzled up to my neck. He’s so cute this early in the morning, when he gets like this. Vee was right behind me, still hugging onto me tight.

I get up, trying my best not to wake either of them up in the process. Slowly lifting up Vee’s arm to ensure she doesn’t awaken. She looks so peaceful, she deserves to get a little extra sleep before the big day, I think to myself. I succeed in not waking up Vee, but fail in the mission to not wake King up. As I try to slip underneath him, he suddenly drops his little paws onto the floor, letting out a little yawn, before looking up to me.

“Hey, sorry there little buddy. Didn’t mean to wake you up so early.” I say to him, though he seems to not mind, wagging his tail eagerly at me. He also seems to have an idea of not waking up Vee, because he keeps himself to a really low volume. As I slowly get off the bed, I walk over to my bed's little side table, picking up my phone to see the time. 5:33 AM, it reads back to me. Alright, I have sometime before mom gets up.

I slowly make my way to my closet. I figured I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, so instead decided to get ready for the day ahead. I head to my closet, and wander over my clothes for a bit, having decided that day beforehand that I would definitely need something long sleeve. I did NOT want to answer questions over my scars across my body. I look into my selection of those long sleeve shirts; I usually only need them when it gets cold, so they are tucked away into a corner.

My eyes initially landed on an Azura shirt Dad had bought me a few days before his passing. It was a nice memory to think over from time to time, being that the day he bought that was the last day of normalcy and calmness before the tidal wave of his deteriorating health had really hit a younger me. Looking over the shirt reminded me a lot of him, and while it hit like a truck, at the same time, it made me feel almost whole, like I was back there, in that moment in time.

Obviously this shirt made me feel far too complicated right before school, I decided before pulling something else out. This one was a plain color long sleeve shirt, with a muted green tint to it. I pull out some jeans,needing to cover up my legs as well, before heading into the bathroom. Starting my morning routine, I grab my toothbrush and hop in the shower.
————————————————————————————————————

“You got everything, Mijas!” mom asks us as we are getting ready to walk out of the door. Mentally, I make sure to go over everything I could need. I made sure to pack pencils and pens, a few erasers, a binder, and a few other supplies to give to my homeroom. I had 5 textbooks, all plenty heavy, but luckily I didn’t have to bring them to school with me; they were just for me to study here at home, they had their own copies at school.

Getting your own copies of the books to study wasn’t even a school requirement, just a recommendation made by the school. However, I had made a promise to myself before having gone to summer camp that I would make myself less of a bother for mami this year. While summer camp had ended up a complete disaster that made more trouble for her, I would make sure that school was different. That I would get myself in less trouble and get better grades. For Mami.

I nod my head to her, turning to Vee, who also made a nod motion to me. “Looks like we are all set, mom!” I give off my best voice of faux enthusiasm I can. I’m very nervous, but she has already spent so much of the past week helping me; I don’t want to give her ANOTHER bother she has to deal with in terms of me. She quickly nods back to us, before turning around to open the door for us.

“Okay, well let’s get going then!” she says, before thinking something over for a second, before quickly changing her demeanor. “Actually, Vee, can you go ahead and start the car for us? I want to tell Luz something right real quick.” she says before tossing her the keys. Vee nods her head herself, before quickly making her way to the car.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ I think to myself, wondering why mami would need to tell me something. I can feel my breathing start to pick up again as I think about what I may have done. I had promised to myself that I wouldn’t make moms life a living hell anymore, and yet I had already made her have to talk to me about something. I can feel myself start to choke, as dark clouds start to swirl around myself.

“LUZ!” my mother awakens me from that mini trance I had, with me wondering how long I had been there for. My eyes adjusted back to look at her, and in doing so, my mothers eyes went from panicked to relieved. “There you are mija, you stopped answering me there for a second. Are you sure you are up for this? It’s really okay if you aren’t, we can call you in sick. I won’t be upset with you.”

I would be upset though, I think to myself. I need to be stronger than that. I can’t just weaken myself to the point where I can’t even attend school because of the silly issues I’m having. But I can’t exactly tell her that, can I? She thinks I’m being hard on myself, and if I tell her the reason I want myself to go, she will for sure make me stay home. So I shake my head to her, and start speaking, careful with my words to make sure she doesn’t suspect me.

“Of course I’m sure, mami.” I say to her, making sure to maintain eye contact with her at all times. Camp did teach her a lot about how to better talk to people, even if it did give her an… unhealthy relation with it. “I mean, after all, it is my first day of highschool. I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” I make sure to give a little arm motion to really sell my performance. For this to work, I would need to give it my 100%.

She laughs at the gesture. Seems like my acting skills have gotten pretty sharp. That’s another thing camp had honed in for me. “I see. Well, Mija, just make sure to not overwork yourself, okay.” she ruffles my hair as she says this. “I trust your judgment Luz. I just wanted to tell you that if you need someone to pick you up early from school, I’m going to be at work today, so I won’t be able to pick you up. You still got Eda’s phone number?’

“Yep” I say making sure to pop the p. This gets a chortle out of mom.

“Well, if you need to be picked up at any point in the day, just make sure to give Eda a little call. We gave the school a note saying that you’ve been suffering from mental health issues over the summer, and since Edalyn’s sister is a licensed therapist, we were able to get her to sign off on it, so you are medically cleared to leave school if you have any problems.”

“Okay, if I have any issues, I will make sure to get a hold of her.” I lie through my teeth. I may only have known Eda for a little over a week now, but I know for sure that I wouldn’t want to cause her any inconveniences either. She has already done so much for me; I don’t want to have to add to her plate with stupid things like that. If I have a mental breakdown, so be it. Just means I wasn’t mentally strong enough to go through the day, and I will have to work on being better.

“Okay then! Let’s get this show on the road then baby!”

“Time for a patented Noceda car trip, woop woop”
————————————————————————————————————

We arrive at school shortly afterwards, a bit early, so that we can jump to near the front of the line on getting our schedule. Vee and I always share at least a few classes, so I’m excited about that at the very least. Hey, I even know Gus and Willow go here too! So hopefully I can share a few classes with them as well. Speaking of, I should see if I can find them after getting these schedules.

I turn to face mom, getting ready to say my goodbyes, looking her in the eyes, and seeing… tears? Wait, why is she crying?! “Mami, are you okay?!” I get out, startle very much coming out of my voice.

“O-oh yes, I’m okay Luz.” she gets out, between sobs. I can tell, however, that these sobs aren’t ones of sadness or worry. That’s a good sign, at the very least. “It’s just, gosh, my mija’s are growing up so fast! I remember when you were just born Luz, you’ve got to give your mother some time to process these changes!” she says, cracking herself an awkward laugh. At least she isn’t upset, I think to myself, before being brought into a hug by her.

“Love you too, mami” I say, awkwardly snuggling myself into both her and Vee, who had since joined. We all 3 pull away, before Vee and I open the back passenger door and leave to go into the building.

“Well, you two have an amazing first day of school!” mami says with an enormous grin, before adjusting herself into a more serious face, and adding onto that “and Luz, please don’t push yourself dear. I know it’s hard for you to accept, but really, no one blames you.” I nod back to her, lying to her for the third time that day. It’s for her own good, I remind myself. She doesn’t need to keep herself busy dealing with me. She puts her foot on the pedal, and drives away, waving back to us as she does.

As soon as mami stops, I feel Vee grab a hold of my hand, and instinctively I look towards her. “Hey Luz, you doing okay?” I nod my head to her, and in response, she shakes her head. “Why do I feel like you would say that even if you weren’t?” I do an awkward laugh at that, feeling in that moment as a deer in headlight, not wanting to be studied any further than that. “Well, if you have any issues, Luz, just no that you have me. We can do this together.” she says, squeezing my hand tighter.

“Together” I repeat to her.
————————————————————————————————————

I look at my schedule, grimace slowly working its way up my stomach, twisting and turning as it did, and leaving me with a sense of impending dread. I double check my schedule one more time, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything, then look over Vee's schedule one more time as well. I wasn’t mistaken. I gulp, the liquid in my mouth going down smoothly, nothing but air coming up to replace the loss of moisture.

“We don’t share a single class” I say with a slight twinge in my voice. No, no, I can deal with this. I need to make sure Vee doesn’t think I’m not okay. She doesn’t need to be worrying about me on the first day of a new school semester. She doesn’t deserve that. I lightly punch her shoulder, putting myself into a more collected pose “Guess Hexside isn’t yet gonna learn the might of the Noceda siblings” I try to say confidently, but it comes out less confident than I meant, making Vee look at me more.

“Luz, are you sure you are okay with this? If you want, we can try to get you some more classes with me in it. You have that note saying you are dealing with mental issues, remember? We could probably get them to switch some of your classes to get you some with me, like a support person almost! If that’s what you want.”

I shake my head. That sounds really nice, I think silently to myself, before coming back down. “No, no, I’ll be alright Vee. Dontchu worry about me, for I am the great and all powerful Luz, child of the Noceda clan!” I say, doing a little silly pose along with my overacting, Vee chuckling along with me. “Plus, I don’t want to add to the plate of the staff here. You remember how long it took them to do ANYTHING in middle school? It’s probably gonna be worse here, since you know, bigger school and all that.”

Vee then looks at me with a happy smile. “Okay Luz, if you are okay with this, then so am I. Hug for the road, sis?” I happily oblige, bringing in a quick hug to her. We then split up, me heading to my homeroom, and she to hers. It’s really been a long time since I have been alone with my thoughts, hasn’t it? Ever since I had met Willow and Gus, I have been around my family most of the weeks. We had talked regularly through texting, though I was still getting good at conversing through texts.

Most of my texting between me and my family members would be short, quick, and to the point, largely one of us asking the other for or about something. My mom asking me to pick up some milk whenever I walked home, Vee asking me for some help with homework problems, simple things like that. I hadn’t really gotten used yet to full on, flowing conversations through text; that’s just not really how my family worked.

As I think about this, I realize I have made it to my homeroom, and slowly but surely walk in. There was still about half an hour before first period started, so I had plenty of time to wait. However, I noticed a sign on the right side of the door, indicating that students were allowed to come into the classroom before the start of the school day proper. Content on having a bit of alone time, I walk into the classroom and start scanning out desks.

Scanning however, I notice a familiar face, and not one I’m too fond of; one belonging to one Boscha. God, the amount of torment this one person has put me through, just in 3 years of schooling, is something that will never cease to both amaze and destroy me all the same. She has picked on me, and seemingly others, at the very least Willow, for sometime now. She is the embodiment of top of the social ladder girls that have no empathy to others.

However, that may be a bit harsh on her. After all, up until recently, I had thought the exact same thing about Amity, and yet she had seemingly turned herself around, and was trying her best to become a better person. Apologizing to both Willow and I! Who’s to say Boscha hadn’t gone through the same development! And I was a bit eccentric back then as well, it was understandable that she bullied at least me…

No Luz! Stop thinking like that, you promised mami that you wouldn’t think like that anymore. It wasn’t your fault you were bullied! I hadn’t even told Mom about my bullying yet; she always worked herself to the bone, providing for both Vee and I; that plus me always getting in trouble, and I didn’t want to put too much on her plate. Good job on me with that by the way, now I have a whole traumatic experience that I’ve put on her plate. God, I can’t even get out of the way right!

I walk up to the front desk, putting my book bag up there, before walking over to the desk holding Boscha, and try to properly reintroduce myself. “Uh hey Boscha?” I say with a slightly wobbly voice, obviously fairly nervous. She looks up at me, confused, before slowly growing a very sly and very mischievous smirk. Okay, maybe this reintroduction wasn’t a very good idea, maybe I should have just stayed in my own lane.

“Oh well hey, if it isn’t the Luzer again? I heard you went to Summer Camp for weirdos, what was that like'' she says to me. One seemingly innocuous comment seemingly sent me from being okay on the outside to surrounded by a vortex of dark storm clouds, thunder alerting me for the incoming storm. It keeps penetrating my every being, and circling seemingly faster and faster around me, my body the eye of an oncoming hurricane.

I think back to Summer Camp, days on days being starved of food, living entirely on edge as one mistake would send me hurdling down an edge of issues amongst issues, days where I did nothing wrong and yet set futile in myself that I felt that self harm was the best way anyway, and the feeling of wood hitting bare skin, until it left me soaked in crimson. It all circled around me; the hurricane speeding up with each memory unraveled by one snide but seemingly harmless comment.

More than anything, I feel, I want to talk to someone about this. I told my family, sure, and it helped, but the idea of telling a peer about what I had experienced, and showing the scars to prove it, just felt so RIGHT to me. It was hard to tell if it was the need to tell, or the want of companionship. Probably a bit of both. But I couldn’t just do that. After all, I’m Luz Noceda, the weird girl. Even when I make friends, I step out of line slightly too much, and the relationship is set back to 0.

“Hehehe, yeah, it was uh, fine I guess” I lied through my teeth. Boscha wasn’t worth my time, I decided. Not if the result of any conversation we had was me getting this upset at both her and myself. I turn around to walk away back to my seat, but before I do, I see Boscha get up out of hers, and she is now in front of me. Great, just great.

“Heh, I bet. Say, did they teach any fashion classes at that stinky little camp?” I shake my head at her, why would they. “Well I guess that makes sense. I mean, just look at your outfit! Seriously, a wool long sleeve shirt in early September? It’s not even cold yet! Unless… oh, don’t tell me you are afraid to show out a little bit of your arms!” she sighs to herself. “Though I do understand, they are a bit ugly, if I do say so myself.”

My breath catches in my throat, suddenly I feel like I need to gasp for air. What once was lightning far off in the distance becomes a beckoning roar, lions growling in my mind waiting for a point of release. My mind gets caught up on my arms, on my scars, on the pain that flows through every cut, every bruise. It goes through every situation, everything that caused the monstrosities they had become.

I can’t let her see them. The vortex spins rapidly and rapidly around me, as the eye of the storm retreats to a new location, I back up. I can’t let her see them.

“Heh, that one lands a bit too hard, eh?” She says as she takes a step forward, an apex predator going for the prey.

I take a step back.

“I guess little old Luz still has no bite in her, even after all this time, huh, such a shame.” She takes another step forward, taking the plunge into the storm, as the loud crack of thunder becomes louder, the inevitable storm going to come to me any moment now.

I take a step back.

“Still nothing, eh Luzer? Don’t worry, take all the time you need. I will be here all day.” She says, taking another step forwards to me, seemingly challenging me to retort back.

I take a step back

And another

And another

And another

I hit a wall, cornered. I have nowhere else to go. I can’t let her see it, I can’t let her see it, I can’t let her see it, I can’t let her see it.

“Hey, are you even listening to me?!”

The storm erupts, hitting ground with high winds, and heavy precipitation. Water erupts from the eye of the storm, as it falls down to the ground, curling around itself into a ball. Sobs surround the vast expanse of the classroom, echoing in and out of the classroom, as the hurricane doesn’t let up, continually getting harder and harder, louder and louder. Winds chase away any sense of voice held by Boscha, leaving her utterly speechless.

“I-I’m sorry” I tell her, grabbing my knees with my hands and tucking them into my chest, fully defeated. “I’m sorry” I repeat out, not waiting for a reply. I try to look up and around, but see only darkness, as black storm clouds surround my every view. Boscha seems nowhere to be seen. I know she is still there; I, however, am not, currently stuck in a realm of darkness. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

I repeat the words to myself, them blending together until they no longer sound real, as a dark expanse seemingly goes on forever. I try to get up, to leave this realm of darkness, but no good. My legs aren’t cooperating with me. I no longer have any control over myself. I continue to feel myself crying, as nothing but my tears feel real anymore. I eventually resign myself to this, crying in a seemingly empty void.

I’m such a massive fuck up. I had one job today, to have a good first day of school, and here I am having a fucking mental breakdown before it had even BEGUN! And what will Mom think? That I’m so weak, that I can’t even take care of myself for 5 minutes before going berserko? What will she do? Homeschooling isn’t an option: She is a vet for crying out loud! She has to work long shifts just to provide for us! I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with this, eventually.

Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’m destined to be like this forever, forever being a burden with whoever has the misfortune to be close to me. My family, my friends, anyone who wants anything to do with me, I will eventually disappoint and destroy. Maybe I belong back at camp. Maybe me being punished, for say a year, would do me some good. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be such a fuck up. Maybe then I could be a good person. Then again, maybe not.

Maybe I just deserve to die.

I eventually stop crying, but I still haven’t left this world of dark clouds, vast expanses of nothingness. My legs still won’t cooperate. God, I must be causing such a scene up at the school. I bet the school is already calling mom, and she will have to leave work early AGAIN just to come to a principals meeting. I really failed here, huh? Maybe Belos was right after all.

I’m nothing but Luz of The Darkness.

Chapter Text

I look at the passenger side window, from the other side of the car, and see my Daughters, my mija’s, slowly making their way to the school building, with Vee slowly reaching her hand out to Luz, and Luz hesitantly taking it. I smile to myself, before slowly putting my foot to the pedal below me, and taking off to take care of some business.

The past few days seem to have been an improvement for Luz, and I had been trying my hardest to make sure any help that she may need, anything she could ask for, within reason of course, would be answered. I’ve made sure she understands she can reach out to me, or Vee, or even Eda! I’ve done all I can on that front. ‘No you haven’t’ my mind responds back to me, a greater sense of worry building with each passing foot that I take away from that school building. I shake that off and continue driving.

There is still so much I need to make sure, however. I don’t want to intrude onto her privacy, but I need to make sure she’s fully stopped hurting herself. It’s a silly thought, I tell myself, I checked everywhere in her room, in her bag, and across the whole house for any sharp utensils she could use to cut herself with. She had even hid away the kitchen knives!

But I just can’t get away that mist of doubt in my mind that she must have somehow sneaked something past me. That her lack of self love hadn’t gotten the better of her multiple times and she had somehow found something to use as a blade. The way she had initially told her about everything, it revealed something to me: she fully believed she deserved what happened. That was the part that scared me.

It reminded her of when they had first adopted Vee. Vee had therapy while at the child protection service, of course, but it hadn’t seemed to help all that much. She had been Luz’s first friend in elementary school, and when Vee had revealed to her that she didn’t have parents anymore, Luz was practically begging for her to be adopted. Curious, I had asked if I could talk to her about her experiences.

The conversation we had was eerily similar to the conversation that Luz had with us just over a week ago now. While the pain was undeniable for her, it was the blaming of herself that had stuck out to her the most. No matter how much I had told her what her father had done to her wasn’t her fault, the guilty look in her mind, practically giving away the doubt she had that her experiences were legitimate, never had left.

The moment Manny and I decided to adopt her was when she had told us that Luz felt like the first person in years to really try to be close with her. That she felt more complete when she was with her, that she felt happy with my mija, that she felt comfortable with her. We worked through the process to get her into our little family, and when she finally got her way in, well… it took a while, but we had eventually gotten her into a more comfortable position.

I sigh to myself. I still can’t believe I had sent my daughter to that place. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame Luz if she had hated me after sending her there. But she was still very early into regaining her previous self after such a traumatic experience. She still hated herself more than anyone who had laid a finger on her, much less someone who had just sent her there. I shake my head once again.

One thing I wish I could have done was go meet Vee’s father in prison, and just ask him why he had done that to this poor innocent girl. Look him in the eye as he gave nothing answers that didn’t make any sense, and get a look into the psyche of such a fucked up man. Would he have been remorseful? Would he have stuck by what he had done? I also just sometimes wanted to just look at him, and see the face of the man I absolutely hated

Of course, I couldn’t do that. I didn't even know the man's name, much less where he would be held up. And that cell he was hopefully rotting in would probably require a reason for me to visit him. If I knew his name, I could theoretically figure out where his cell was, and schedule an appointment to meet him. But Vee is very uncomfortable even thinking about him, and would rather not say his name. And I’m happy to allow her that privacy, let her keep that secret.

Now, though, I have a chance to do just that, only with Luz’s abuser. I hadn’t told her, since I know that she would inevitably blame me calling into work for a family emergency on herself, but, with the help of Lilith, I had set up an appointment with the man I had let grown into the same place of hatred with Vee’s father: Mr. Philip ‘Belos’ Wittebane. Figure out what all he did to her Luz (assuming he didn’t try to deflect), figure out why he did it, and, most importantly, announce my intent to press charges against him.

I had met with a lawyer friend of Eda’s on my time off work, a person by the name Raine Whispers. I had told them all I had to know about what had happened to Luz, and asked them what I could do. They gave me advice about my situation, and had told me to get more information during my discussion today about how his whole camp operation was run. I planned to ask about a voice recording during today's meeting, though if declined, I had brought a pen and paper to jot down notes.

I kept my eyes on the road while these thoughts flew through my head, until I had seen my prize: the office of one Philip Wittebane. Slowly, I turned left into the parking lot of this fairly unglamorous place. Finding a parking spot in the fairly desolate lot, mainly seeming to be parked by employees of the building, I started thinking about my plan of attack.

I needed to ask him questions that would help reveal more about what exactly was going on. Selfishly, I think about also asking questions about what all he had done to Luz, but that was second to getting this monster into trouble over what he did to Luz and probably countless other innocents. As I’m thinking, the mist that had surrounded me before about Luz kept growing, a sense of unease growing in my stomach, telling me something was wrong.

I ignore it, and slowly turn my key out of the ignition. As the car roars to sleep, I take my first step out of the car since I was at the safety of my home, and before doubt started to take over my mind. I try to think about what it was that was making me feel this way, and with my brain returning nothing of substance, beyond genuine worry for my daughter, I proceed with caution to the building in front of me.

As I walk into it, I see a very quiet scene in front of me. The room contains only 2 people, including myself and a blond teenager behind the desk, who seemed to be an employee here. I work my way slowly up towards the desk, noting the very plain, rustic look to the piece of furniture in front of me. I look to the kid, and see a look of nervousness out of him, as I approach he quickly looks to change himself into a prototypical customer service person.
“Hello! Do you have an appointment with Dr. Wittebane today?” the boy said to me. I nod to him, and tell him my name. He starts to type onto his computer, no doubt looking to see if my name was on a list of clients his boss wanted to meet with. I look around to see if I can distract myself during this process, and notice the boy was wearing a name tag. Looking to it, I see a single name engraved into the faux gold badge:

Hunter Wittebane

Suddenly, worry for this boy in front of me starts to creep up the back of my neck, making the room around me feel colder. Images of what Philip had done to my daughter makes its way front and center into my mind, hard to envision with my lack of knowledge of his looks, but a man of pure evil stands above my daughter as she shivers in pain, marks laid bare on her limbs. I couldn’t imagine what having this psycho as a parent must be like.

Part of me wants to ask him if the kid is okay, if the man who had once hurt her daughter had also hurt him, and to ask if he needs any help, any at all. However, as much as I worry for the kid in front of me, I also have a mission I need to take care of, and this could end up distracting me from that. Plus, asking those sorts of questions would be massively overstepping my boundaries as a stranger. Still, I didn’t want to leave this kid without asking SOMETHING.

“Oh, uh, is Dr. Wittebane your father?” I choke out of myself, making sure everything that comes out sounds like completely normal small talk, and not like an interrogation, which is what it ended up as in my mind

“Oh, uh, yes, kind of, sort of. He’s actually my uncle, but my parents had died when I was really young, so he ended up taking me in. So he’s both my step-father and my uncle, in that way.” I nod to him, as he continues his search. A few seconds later, he looks up from the computer. “Ah, yes, you are right here. And just in time too! Come on, I will show you to Dr. Wittebane’s office”. He stands up, and beckons me down the hallway, to a set of double doors.

As we walk, I notice another name on the person of this young man, but instead of a name tag, I look down towards his hand, when I notice something peculiar on his hand: on his right hand ring finger, there was, well, a ring. A wedding ring, I assume, though it’s not for sure that. I look for any indication, not wanting to pry at him but curious about this ring’s function, and then I see a name on the side of the ring facing up, all but confirming my suspicions. I also now know the name of his fiance.

Amity Blight

What a cute name, I think to myself, before refocusing on the task at hand here; I had pried enough at a teenagers love life for one day, I think to myself before I nod my head at him, as he repeats this motion, before walking back the way he had came slowly. I work up my courage back up, thinking about my questions I had for this man on the other side of this door, and ensuring to keep my maternal instincts and hatred for this man in check, just this one time.

Slowly, I open up the set of double doors in front of me, and take in the scene around me: the room in front of me felt straight out of a regal palace, with an extravagant tiger pattern carpet below, and a blue wallpaper filled with Fleur-de-lis’s surrounding me on all sides. On the ceiling, a detailed chandler rose hang above me, gently swaying from side to side from the light breeze of the open window.

And straight in front of me sits a man, a very ordinary looking man, wearing a traditional business attire, with a slick black suit and an ash grey tie, and a hankerchief of the same color completing his attire. He looks to me, and I note not a hint of nervousness showing in his wooden brown eyes. As I approach, the man does not adopt a welcoming smile, but rather the cunning grin, a fox eyeing up his prey.

“You must be Dr. Wittebane” I start, continuing to walk slowly in his direction, hoping to ignore the growing red I was starting to see, the room seeming to turn a light shade of crimson as my heart beats and my fight or flight instincts start to kick in. Not now, I tell myself, and hope my brain takes the rational path.

“Why yes, and that must make you Ms. Noceda, am I right.” I nod quickly to that, still trying to keep my composure. “Come, sit. I will make us some tea to converse over.”
I shake my head to the man in front of me “Oh, there won’t be any need for that, I assure you. This is strictly a business meeting.” he nods to me, sitting back down on his throne of a chair. “Actually, before I forget, would you mind me recording this conversation? I would like to go back to this if need be.” I lie, him still not knowing what I plan to do with this.

He chuckles a little bit, leaning his head into his balled up fist, his body pointed in my direction. “Why of course. Don’t worry, I know that some people like to keep records of conversations.” He slowly drifts off, before working his other hand underneath his chin, looking at me expectadley “So, I assume you are here to talk about the results of Luz’s camp therapy.”

That last word had almost broken me, almost got me into a fit of rage I know I would not have recovered from: how could he dare call what he did therapy, when all it had done was ruin my mija’s mental health! The red I see in my eyes grows darker in hue, but I remind myself of my situation. If I flipped out, at best I would get no new info, and at worst, I could be the one in jail. Slowly, I calm myself down, and attempt to respond.

“Well actually, I was curious if I could ask you about the… methods you partake in at this camp.” I shudder to myself. In making sure I don’t snap at him, I have to choose my words carefully, but god do I wish I could speak my mind on this. He slowly nods towards me, and I continue. “Some of the things that I’ve heard from my daughter have been… worrying me, so I had a few questions about how this camp works.”

“Well, since we are here, I grant you permission to ask any question you may please.” he adjusts himself again, leaning against his left hand, open, with his left elbow on the table. He gives me the same sly grin he had before, and I start feeling more and more suffocated as the atmosphere gets more and more oppressive.

“Well, uhm…” I stammer out, nervousness getting the best of me, I look around me, feeling like a deer in headlights, searching for anything to get rid of the jitters I felt under this man's gaze. I try to get ahold of myself, and partially succeed, though part of me still feels that something is VERY wrong. “Well, I guess I should start with this: how many kids were at this camp this year?” I start small: the larger here, the better; would mean there could be more voices to corroborate this story.

“Oh, hmm. Well, I don’t remember the exact number, but around 200 or so kids, from both sexes, attended this camp”

2-200! That’s a lot more than I was expecting, and despite my hope for quite a few kids, it still made me nervous. How had she not heard about this camp before the school had recommended it to her. She sighed, hoping to get some more answers here. “Hmm, have you ever had a parent come complain to you about the punishment system of this camp?” I try to get out as casually as possible, not trying to arouse suspicions.

“Heh, what are you, a news reporter?” he chuckles slightly to himself. I slowly turn my head, anger burning in my eyes, not wanting him to get onto my true intentions here. Just some more questions, and I can finally let into him. Still, I feel my emotions run wild, and I have to dig my nails into the palm of my hand to stop myself from jumping out of this chair and running over and attacking him. “Hmm, well no. Though, it’s not like there is even anyone to complain about that”

“Wait what?” I let my thoughts slip. What could he mean by that?

“Yeah, that experiment was something I was dying to do for years” he raises his head up, and slowly shrugs his shoulder “but I hadn’t gotten a chance to do it yet before Luz had shown up, and she was also the only one to have done it in this class of campers as well. Really, thanks to her, this all was possible. I thank you for that, really I do.”

“WHAT!?” I explode, my eyes fully seeing red, it taking my full mental effort to not just jump out of the chair I was sitting on and take out all my pent up rage and frustration on the man in front of me “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE LUZ WAS THE FIRST!? SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU JUST, WHAT, CHOSE HER AND ONLY HER TO SUFFER THROUGH YOUR BARBARIC ‘PUNISHMENTS’?!”

“Woah, woah, hey, calm down lady” he looks at me, his sly expression never having changed from before, though he was pushing his hands in front of him, showing a faux sense of worry that tingled down my back, and made me shiver in worry. Nothing this monster said was worth it, but a part of her was curious why he had chosen her daughter for such an awful system. “Well, to answer, it’s less that I chose her, and more that she was the only one I could do it on.”

“Hmm, and how come MY daughter was the only one you could do this ‘experiment’ on, hmm?” I tried to crank back my anger a bit, but my emotions had sense gotten the better of me, and it became increasingly hard to hold them back, anger periphery-ing every word I said. The man in front of me, however, seemed to pay this no mind, instead nodding his head to me, worry building in me about what he was about to respond with.

“Well, do you remember that slip you had signed once Luz had gotten to camp?”

“Uh, yes, I believe so. The camp permission slip I sent her in with, right?”

He shakes his head to me, sighing as if he is bored explaining this to me. “No, I meant the one we had sent to you after Luz had already arrived at camp. Do you remember that one?”

I sit there confused, wondering what in the hell this man in front of me was talking about. The mist that I had felt from beforehand had gotten thicker in my mind, worrying growing about where this conversation seemed to be heading to, but I keep on my pursuit of figuring out just what in the hell happened.

He sighs once again, looking towards a drawer, before pulling out a piece of paper out of a binder he kept labeled ‘receipts’. “Here, hopefully this jogs your memory.” I roll my eyes while looking down, thinking about how it makes sense how much a jerk he is. I slowly read through the piece of paper in front of me, with more toned down versions of what Luz said she had gone through. My reading starts to get more panicked as I start to realize what all it’s saying. The most terrifying thing on the whole page, however, was at the very bottom.

A perfect recreation of my signature, right below Luz’s signature.

I’m completely gone by this point, using the last bit of my will power to keep from lunging over that table that separates us. “I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS PAPER IN MY GODDAMN LIFE! WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!” I start to feel myself cry, but I hold on, I need to remain strong, at least for a little bit longer.

“Tsk, tsk.” he starts, and once again, he shows me that grin, that motherfucking grin, and says words that will never forget, not in her life, even though she desperately wanted nothing else but to forget it. “And Luz was so adamant that you were the one who wrote that signature too.” He starts saying something else, but it all blends into nothingness to me.

No, it couldn’t be, right? Luz wouldn’t do something like that, right? And even if she would, why for this? She tries to think back to anything that could even have hinted at that, but she had no luck, drawing a blank. That was, until she remembered something that seemed a little odd at the time. The first letter Luz had sent her from camp, asking for a letter back. Saying that she needed it for their address. It all started to click. Every odd thing Luz had said, everything that said she had deserved this.

Luz had forged her signature.

“I see you understand now.” I looked up to him, with him having a smile that was both knowing and sinister, something that felt indescribable to her. The hatred she had for this man. Almost as much as she hated herself. Everything started to click in her mind, one puzzle piece after another falling into place, painting a picture of Luz. The fact that this whole time, she was seeing this all wrong.

It wasn’t that Philip wasn’t to blame. No, he was a vindictive asshole who should have never done this to anyone, much less a DEFENSELESS CHILD. No, I still hate him just as much as ever. But she had used him as a deferral from all the mistakes she had made. All the times she had scolded her without hearing her side of the story, how often she had flat out believed that she was a natural trouble maker.

All the times she had pushed her away. She hadn’t meant to, she reasoned to herself for years. She was just busy, with work, with making sure that her and her daughter's physical needs were met, and she had just… forgotten about her daughter's feelings. But that didn’t make it right, not even close.

She remembers all the times her daughter would seem nervous when she had asked her how her days had gone. She saw visions of her daughter not looking her in the eyes whenever she talked about her classmates. She thinks over every instance she stumbles over other’s names. God, how had she been so blind.

She realizes the countless nights she had to leave the kids to go to bed all by themselves, at home alone, due to the hours she had worked. She thinks back to all the times Luz had asked her if she wanted to do something, and she refused, due to being too busy. She combs over her interactions with her as she left in the morning, not even looking at her when she said bye.

But most of all, she remembers how quiet she had been on the car ride to camp. How unlike herself she had become in the lead up to the months of torture she had to endure. And how, as she now knows, it was Luz herself who had pulled the trigger on that torture. God, how did I not see it before? It wasn’t Philip who had caused her to want to change herself fully; it was me.

I stand up with shaky breath, and bring my hand to my phone, closing the recording. “I think that’s all I needed to hear.” As I walk away, however, I hear the main behind the desk cough, and turn to look back at him.

“I know what you were trying to do with this meeting, by the way. I could tell you were angry enough, I saw that you were trying to collect as much information as you could. I wasn’t born yesterday, I know you were going to try to press charges against me.” he says, giving me that grin, one last time, before shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. He continues

“And, well, I guess there could be a case now, since we now know you didn’t consent.” I start to pick up some hope, before he destroys it again with one fell swoop. “However, that all rests on the fact that Luz had forged your signature. So, as I see it, you have two options here. Either you go back to whatever it is you people do, and we leave this be, or you press charges against me, and lock up your daughter as well. I ask that you choose wisely.”

I need to get out of here before I start crying to myself, I think, before responding one last time: “goodbye”. I open that set of double doors again, and work my way back the way I came, ignoring the boy who told me a good day, as I rush to my car, and finally break. Water starts to break my eyes, as I cast my last breath before collapsing into sobs, my voice reverberating back in forth in the vehicle. I’m such a failure of a parent.

My self loathing is cut short, however, by a phone call. I looked at my phone, which had just a few minutes ago been recording that voice recording, and saw the contact: Eda. Crap, was everything okay? I try my best to calm myself down, before finally picking up the call “H-h-hello?” I choke out, not realizing how bad it would sound.

“Woah, hey” she responds, putting on a sweet voice after her initial moment of surprise “guessing that the meeting didn’t go as planned, then?” I murmur a response to my girlfriend, as she sighs. “Well, uh, just wanted to let you know that Luz had an, uhh, issue at school, and she’s home now, so when you come home, she will, uhh, be here.”

I perk up at that, worry filling me as the thought of seeing my daughter made me scared. What if I messed it up again? What if I made her think less of herself again, like I’ve done so often in the past. Still, I think to myself, I can’t let this go on. I have to let her know I’m there for her. I have fucked up big time, these past few years, but I need to let my daughter know she can trust me still. “I’ll be right there” I hang up the call, and start to focus on getting my vision back in state that I can drive in.

I have to do it right this time. After all, I’m the one responsible for her.

Chapter Text

As I step out of the car I had ridden here, I feel a faint Summer breeze coming from my back, my composure limited and my mental state still in a series of decay, though it wasn’t as bad as it had been just that one hour ago. ‘I’m such a fuck up’ resonates throughout my head, as I can hardly look up to the one who had driven me here. To them, I was just another bother, I had reasoned to myself. Who knows, maybe now that she knows I live here, maybe she will have second thoughts about being so close with my mom.

Just another way I had fucked everything up, I think to myself, for the first time in almost a week not hesitating to continue on with this train of thought. Mom had been so busy since dad died, with us (mostly me) and work, that she didn’t have any time to socialize with anyone else. How fitting is it that the first time in years that she had a chance to do so, was after I had left her life for even that short while, I question to myself.

‘Maybe that’s the answer’ I think to myself, before I can open my front door and sulk to my room. I was informed by the principal today, in a meeting with Eda and I, that I was going to be excused for the first week of school, that my mental state was worse than they had first believed, and that they were going to figure out a solution to ‘help me through this situation’.

“Just great,” I say out loud to no one in particular, as I flop onto my bed, tears that I had hidden during the past 30 minutes or so silently pouring down my face. “I just HAD to go up their during the FIRST DAY of school, and fuck everything up 5 minutes in!”

My whole body shakes a bit, very suddenly. I suddenly open my eyes, and see King coming up to me, and gently pushing himself onto me, to lay down fully beside me. Animals are nice, because you don’t have to guess what they think about you, you know straight up if they like you or not. Humans are more complex, I think to myself, before looking up to see a worried one at the frame of my door.

“Uh, hey kiddo.” she says directly to me, as I struggle immensely to make eye contact with her. Her expression softens, as she tries hard to bare the storm of me, winds trying as hard as they can to blow her away. And yet, she stands there, looking at me like… like a mother looks at her daughter. That thought makes me feel awful, like I’m an ungrateful daughter who doesn’t appreciate the love my mom gives me, and looking for a new one. I hate myself so much.
“Hey, don’t worry kiddo, I’m not mad at you” you should be, I think to myself, before reluctantly looking up to her, trying to maintain eye contact, with only slight success. “I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I told your mom what happened. She’s coming home to see you right now.” she continued to me, before I could realize what exactly she had said.

My breathing picks up as I start to feel my airways tighten. My eyes feel like they can erupt at any second, the storm coming in at mach speed. Slowly, I try to find my bearings, to little success as I start to feel myself return to that place I was at before. The cloud of mist that held nothing but me. I couldn’t hold it together for much longer, I think, before I started to feel myself cry again. Why did she tell her? I mean, she would have had to learn eventually but-

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder and the mist that had suddenly come back after those last few words started to subside once more, as I saw in front of me… well, Eda again. I heard her try to say something to me, but nothing was coming through to me, as I realized I was sobbing heavily. Choked sounds coming from me were blocking out whatever it was that Eda was trying to say, as I couldn’t stop.

Soon, however, I was starting to lose those sobs, as I started to once again hear her voice. She was freaking out above me, obviously not knowing what to do. “Eda?” I barely choke out of my throat, as I see the lady turn her head sharply to look at me again. “I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” she seems to calm down, as I continue “I’m just… I feel so bad for having to make mom leave work again.”

She smiles lightly at me, as I feel King snuggle up to my side again, and she sits down next to me on my bed. “Oh, sorry, didn’t know that bothered you.” the woman said, a head scratching the back of her ginger head. If I would have known that, I would have told you that she didn’t actually go to work today.” she says, and when I respond with a puzzled expression, she elaborates “She had something she wanted to do today, so she called out of work today.”

I sit, a small, light, but still somewhat apparent smile building on my face “Well, that’s nice to know” I respond, Eda laughing lightly as I did, and for a moment, I let myself feel a little bit of joy, before coming down to earth on the fact that this still meant I would have to explain myself to her. Ever since she came back, she hadn’t been upset with me even once, and I wasn’t even technically in trouble, but… “Hey Eda, do you mind if I ask you a favor”.

She looks to me quizzically, before slowly nodding to my request. “Of course, kiddo.”

I look to her, and slowly, out of me, bring out my (selfish) request “Do you, uh, mind if you stay here a little bit longer? I, uh, don’t want to be alone right now. Afraid of where my thoughts might wander off to.” I close my eyes, fully expecting to be told no, and that I was being selfish, before adding to it. “If you have something else you’d rather do, then you don’t have to. It’s kind of a stupid thing anywa-”

“Kid, it’s not stupid.” she said bluntly, but with that added air of care as well. I slowly look up, and see her face smiling down upon me. “I understand not wanting to be alone with your thoughts. I have those moments too, though of course not the extent you probably are right now. I wasn’t going to leave you alone anyway, I want to be there to help you. You’re a good kid, and it hurts to see you suffering like this.”

I wipe away a small tear forming at the edge of my eye, a common experience this past week, as I think about what the lady in front of me just said, and bring myself to tell her “Thanks Eda. Really, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You’ve done SO MUCH more than I could ever ask someone I don’t know to do for me.”

“Well, you know me now, dontcha.” she says, nudging me with a smirk, and my face falling into a soft smile, appreciating the moment we were having together. “Well, uh, while we are waiting for you mom to get back, is there anything you would like to talk about?”

I ponder on this for a bit, before responding “Well, I know there will be… a LOT to talk about with her, so do you mind if we just, uh, talk about something not too serious? Get my mind off of everything, just for a second?”

She nods her head to me “Of course! Anything in particular you have in mind?” she adds on.

I think to myself for a second, before coming away with a knowing smirk and a devilish idea “Well, what about we talk about your crush on my mom then, maybe that will help lighten me up” I say, as I give the woman in front of me a very smug look. Just from that, she gains a slight red tint to her, but also gains a slightly confused face as well.

“Huh, what are you talking about” she says, her eyes looking around the room as she nervously avoids them locking back to mine. I give her a slight giggle, as her face continues to go a bright shade of crimson at the idea.

“Oh don’t even try that. I know that you like my mom” I say as confidently as I have said anything in the past 3 and a half months, I think to myself. At this, she seems to look back towards me, though her eyes still refuse to meet mine, and I begin to fear that I’ve overstepped my boundary, and just as I was about to apologize, she finally responds to me.

She sighs with a faux dramatism, and pinches the bridge of her nose, but still makes sure to show me her smile all throughout that process “Okay, okay, you win kiddo.” she puts her hands in the air, as she admits defeat “I do like your mother. Don’t tell her though, okay?” she puts her finger up to her mouth, but a knowing smirk on herself tells me that she knows more than she is letting on. I do, however, follow in her example, also putting a finger up to my mouth to mimic her. “That, uh, doesn’t make you feel awkward, right?”

I ponder that question to myself for a second. It was a bit weird to know that someone who I had met just over a week ago had feelings for my mom, but Eda had been really nice to her and had helped her over these past few weeks. She had been here for the past week, helping her when she genuinely had felt at her worst. While it did feel weird, if it was anyone, I rationalize, I would want it to be her.

I finally shake my head no to her, and continue “Well, maybe a little bit.” I blush to her a bit, before continuing “But you’ve been nothing but kind to me and everyone else here since I first met you. You seem to really care a lot about us. I don’t know if you know, but uhh, mom hasn’t had the most time to make new friends as of recently. Just you being here with her has probably done wonders for her.” I hear the woman snort beside me, before I continue:

“And, well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that, ummm.” I plan my next words carefully, not wanting to weird out this new person in my life anymore than I possibly could have over the past week. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if she is also interested, I wouldn’t mind… having you as a second parent.”

As I say that, I hear a choke from the woman beside me, and worry that I had messed up, before she wiped her face with her hand, and, with a radiant smile, asked me “Do you mind if I hug you?” I nod to her, and she slowly raps her arms around me, and brings me gently into an embrace “That means… a lot to me, Luz. Thank you for being so trusting of me.” I melt back into the embrace, and slowly let myself go.

Then, suddenly, I hear the front door open, and we break ourselves apart slowly, as I think about all the things I’m probably gonna have to lay open to her mom. There was… a LOT to talk about with her, and she was a bit afraid, but she would have to do it eventually. So, I slowly get myself as prepared as I can be, and get ready to reveal even more about myself.

Chapter Text

As we separate our embrace, Eda is the first to get up, and to gesture me to the door of my room. I give one final look to King, who has become nuzzled to my side during the conversation, and give him a little ear scratch, before getting up to my feet and walking towards that door. As I get up, King stirs up, and follows me out of it, seeming intent to be at my side. I give a slight giggle to this, and keep marching forwards.

On the inside, hidden from the rest of the world, however, I was in the middle of a flood of emotions. The emotional side of me was fighting with that rational side I had, waves flooding itself into my mind. Worrying about a multitude of things, in the front and center of which being the upcoming, and likely going to be a VERY hard conversation I was about to begin having with my mom.

Was she gonna be upset with me? The rational part of my mind fights away against the waves that question brought into my mind, but the storm faught back against it. I, of course, know that logically she wouldn’t be mad at me; she knows what I’ve been going through, as of late at least, and she told me she would understand if I had to go home; she even got Lilith to write a professional note excusing me from school if I had an emotional breakdown, and I didn’t even get in trouble!

The logical part of me, however, continued to be drowned out by the side of me that remembered all the times she had been disappointed in me, all the times I had screwed up, with no one to blame but myself. All the times I had failed her, all the times I couldn’t do the simple things to make her life easier. All the times she had to leave work to pick me up, and missed valuable pay due to that. All the times she wore ‘that face’ that showed that I had messed up in some way.

All the times I had been a disappointment.

I think back to camp once again, to all the days and nights, that I had just sit there and just… took all the punishment that I had. For mom, Vee, Eda, and everyone else I had told, this sounded like the most traumatic experience that a young child could have ever gone through. And yeah, it probably was, getting emotionally and physically… hurt. I don’t want to say abused, though everyone else does. I don’t like to think of it like what happened to Vee.

Because I deserved everything that happened to me.

It’s the one thing I haven’t allowed myself to say out loud yet. I have said things that allude to that, sure, but never directly told anyone that I feel that I deserved everything that happened to me. It’s something I’m probably gonna be taking to the grave with me. God, I’m so pathetic, aren’t I? I can’t even properly heal after being hurt, and have to bring everyone else into my fucked up sense of self. I shouldn’t be making these people, the lovely people who haven’t done much of anything wrong, into my problems.

Maybe I should have just killed myself on the way home from the library.

The thought brings shivers down my spine, but also brings an almost light to the end of my tunnell solution to everything I’m going through, even if a bit morbid. At any moment, being not in the gaze of everyone else, maybe in the middle of the night, I could sneak my way into the bathroom, and finally put an end to my miserable life. I finally won’t have to burden anyone anymore, and they can finally live their lives as carefree people. Everything good seems to happen after I leave, afterall.

Still, I know deep down that won’t work. No, this is Eda, Mami, and Vee we are talking about here. They are very empathetic people, a group of women who very much put others in front of themselves a lot of times. As soon as they learned that I had done that deed, they would immediately start blaming themselves. They would think they didn’t do enough to help me. I would just start even more problems than before, just like I always do.

So, even if it’s just for them, I have to stay alive, I think.

With the storms clashing in my head, rational thoughts going against my inner subconscious of hate, winds clashing and turning inside of my head, I barely noticed that, after seemingly walking forever, but only really walking for 15 seconds, I had made my way into the living room. I only come to when I notice Eda taking a left into the room, and as I come back to, I scan the room I had just walked into, and feel a very different atmosphere than just two hours ago.

For one thing, face covered in the golden sun, sitting in the old reclining chair mainly used by Vee, and barely even being able to look me in the face, sits a very saddened mami. Her face seems almost defeated, and her hands and feet are fidgeting with themselves, and her nervously rocking back and forth, she resorts to instead maintaining eye contact with Eda, almost looking ashamed to me as soon as I walk in.

Maybe she finally hates me as much as I do, I think to myself before struggling forward.

I work my way down to the couch parallel to the chair she sits in, with the coffee table being the only physical thing separating the two of us, however, the clouds of darkness that have been plaguing me for the past while separate us, nearly suffocating me as I also struggle to even look at her, my eyes instead wandering down to my feet, and my mind racing, wondering where everything had gone wrong and had made our lives a living hell.

She was the first to speak up, though not to me, but rather to the guest beside us, the one who had kept my company the entire time “Eda.” she starts, though hesitates for a bit, looking almost… guilty? It felt like a flashbang, as I remember faces that I had made alone at night in the mirror, and seeing myself in her, and made me start to feel slightly more comfortable, even if slightly more confused.

She continues on, however, despite this apparent guilt “I appreciate you taking good care of mija after picking her up, and well, through all of this, I really do, but… this is a conversation I REALLY want to have in private with Luz. It’s nothing about you, really. Would you mind if you left us two alone for a bit, please?” she finishes off, looking Eda directly in the eyes.

That calmness that had set in for a second had subsequently disappeared into a flash of smoke, as another onset of waves of worry had hit the beach of my mind. I felt the nothingness slowly take over my mind, as any sense of reality seemed to once again slip my grasp, my mind going into full panic mode. We have had some discussions before, but nothing where no one else was needed in the room. This was the final straw, my mind replayed back and forth through my head. She hated you now, and you are just a failure of a child.

The part of her head that had thought rationally was now fully gone.

Still, the world continued on, as Eda responded, casually but fully understanding. “Don’t worry Cami, I fully understand” she starts, cracking her knuckles over her head as she stands up to leave. “I understand that you two need some, ummm, time together to help everything that is going on. While you two are doing that, I’m gonna go run some errands, okay?” she finishes, giving her an expecting look.

“Sounds good, Eda.” she gives in a soft, gentle voice, and with a nod herself, Eda leaves the house, leaving the two alone in the living room. It takes an eternity, it seems like, for either of us to ask, both clearly stirring in how this conversation should go, how much of a fuck up I should know I am, I’m sure. Eventually though, it was mami who was the first to speak up “Hey Luz?” she starts, putting on the gentlest voice she possibly could.

“Mhmn'' I practically choke out, feeling almost paralyzed, my anxiety of not knowing what to do coming out in full force, it taking all my effort to keep myself from sobbing right there and then. It was hard, for sure, but eventually I was able to keep my composure, and, with difficulty, work my eyes back up my moms features, all the way up to her face. It was there I noticed something that made the internal pressure I was feeling, almost 100 times worse.

On her face, below her eyes and to the sides of her nose, were visible tear marks, mascara bleeding down the sides of her eyes as she nervously looked around the room, looking physically anywhere she could aside from me. It was then it hit me. She had cried, presumably on the car ride back from wherever she was doing whatever it was she was doing, and knowing the fact that we were now having a presumably difficult conversation, that leads me to one conclusion.

I was the one who had caused her to cry.

As my mind fades into darkness more and more with every passing revelation this conversation seems to be giving me, my mother starts up again “Well, I guess I should start with this: Luz, you aren’t in any trouble.” I look back up at that, and see that guilty look again. I had assumed that it was towards Eda, for making her leave like that, but it seems that it was something else, something about ME. But, what did she have to feel guilty about, in regards to me at least?

As another gap in our conversation has emerged, I take the opportunity to take the initiative and sort everything out. If there’s anyone here who should feel guilty, it should be me, I reason to myself, before letting out a brief “I am not” and prepare to assess the damage of what I had done.

Nothing comes as a result of that, however, as she shakes her head, then adds on another “No, you're not” to the growing laundry list of things that were confusing me about this conversation, before moving forward. “I just, well… there is something that I want to talk to you about, something that I just… how do I say this?” she says, and every word that comes out of her mouth adds more and more onto the growing pile of confusion that is littering my mind.

She sighs, indicating that she wants to restart from scratch, and starts again. “I guess I should start with this: I didn’t go to work today. I called out beforehand.” I nod my head to that, knowing all of this from what Eda had told me. Then, begins a new discussion “Today, when I dropped you off to school, I went to meet someone. Chairman Wittebane, your leader at camp.”

As she says this, my eyes pop wide open, after being nearly shut just a few seconds ago. Despite my evident shock, however, she continues. “I, well, I wanted to get more information on the man because I, well, planned on suing him. On charges of child endangerment and abuse.” she nearly tears up again, but continues on “Eda’s lawyer friend, they told me that if I could get any more information, that we could use that against him” she says, choking up on every single word.

I simply nod, and signal her to continue “Instead, however, I discovered something really… weird.” her body shakes after that word, but continues on afterwards. “He showed me this… permission slip. It described multiple types of, what I as a mother can only describe as torture methods, all stated to be in pursuit of making the child ‘better’” she adds in slightly exaggerated air quotes, but that slight bolt of energy seemed to disappear as soon as it had appeared.

My eyes, even more ballooned than even before, had started to look down again, anything to look away, hide the shame that it gave away. Even then, I know if she asks me about it, I will have to reveal the magnitude of what I had done. She then, warmth dissipating from every inch of her voice, asked the single question I hadn’t wanted her too “There was a signature there. My signature. I had never seen that paper in my life. Luz, did you… forge my signature?”

It took as much willpower as I could muster, but, after a few seconds of dead, quiet silence between the 2 of us, I was finally able to respond with a quick, and simple “I’m sorry”, with me hiding my face, tears slowly rolling down my disgraceful chin. I’m such a failure, and now I have to face the consequences of my own actions. Everything they had tried to help me with for the past WEEK, all of it, was of my own volition. And I had committed a crime to get there.

Mom sighed to this, looking down herself, clearly being unable to even bring herself to face me, before letting out, softly “I was afraid of that” before putting her head into her arms for a second, hiding what was probably a disgusted face at me, before looking back up to me, “I’m not as worried about that, right now, however.” I look up to this, surprise taking me out of my intrusive thoughts once again.

She continues “What I’m more worried about, is what happened up here” she points to the temple of her head, indicating that she was worried about how fucked up my head was “that caused you to start thinking like that?” she finishes up, looking at me expectedly, awaiting, and seemingly slightly worried, about how I would answer.

I sigh, and for the first time, look her straight in the eyes. I have to be brave, I have to let her know I’m okay. Even if that is a lie, even if I’m not okay at all. Even if she doesn’t believe a single word of it. I can lie to myself and say it’s to keep my issues out of their business, but deep down, I know it’s because I’m too much of a coward to really say anything else. Too big of one to have an uncomfortable conversation. Afraid of what they will think of me.

Afraid of what I have become.

“Well, first off, once again, I’m sorry” I say to her, to which she nods back to me, urging me to continue “I should have sent you the slip first. I just… I wanted to be different. From what I was, I mean.” I twiddle my thumbs around each other, and look away once again, too afraid to face her head on. “I saw an out. A way to change who I was. To not be the weirdo in the principal's office anymore.” I sigh, and look at her again, a horrified expression growing on her face.

“I knew you were too kind of a person to subject anyone to that. I knew that, if I had sent this to you, you would have said no, if not even pulled me out of the camp entirely!” I shake my hand dramatically, trying to prove a point, though to no avail, it seemed, the expression on her face growing darker and darker.

“But, chairman Belos. He sold me on the idea, having a summer's worth of retraining. Making myself, well, the best version I can be. Having me grow, change, and generally become, well, less of a burden to those around me. It intrigued me. It sounded wrong, to the untrained ear, but to me it felt like a way out. A way to finally become the best version of me! A way to become more normal! And, well, a way to stop being such a disappointment…”

Suddenly, however, I’m interrupted. “Was it me who made you feel like a disappointment, mija?” she sees, and as she does, her lips silently but very visibly quivering as she does, and a very palpable amount of guilt dripping from her body language as she does. I need to answer this very carefully, I decide, but also need to be honest here. She can tell if I lie to her, I figure to myself.

A gives another audible sigh, working up the courage to once again start speaking, before softly going “It’s no issue, really. I understand how much of a handful I can be at times.” I gave a bit of faux laughter, trying to lighten the mood of the very tense room, even if just a little bit, but instead I saw a facial expression on my mom that had contorted even more than before. Crap, this isn’t working.

“I uh. It wasn’t entirely you, no. There were… other factors, I can say. But, uh…” I stop, once again attempting to choose my next words carefully. “There was a part of this, a… somewhat major part of this, that did this to… I don't know how to say this, to attempt to please you? I never told Belos about this, but my original plan was to do this, and not tell you about what had happened until after I had fixed myself.”

“Mija…”

“And, there was a part of me that thought that, if I can get myself fixed up, I can finally let you stop worrying so much about me. We can finally live a fully normal life. I can finally be like the other kids at the playground, at school, at the square, at restaurants, all around town. That you won’t have to keep babying me! That you won’t have to worry about me as much! That you won’t have to keep leaving work to pick me up from school! That you don’t have to be disappointed in me anymore.”

“Luz.”

“I’m just… tired, mami. Tired of being the kid in the principal's office. The “troublemaker”. I didn’t want to be known as that anymore… least of all to you.” I looked up to her again, her face clearly panicking, but in that moment, my mind wasn’t thinking clearly, letting all of my inner thoughts out. “And I just… he, Belos, gave me an opportunity. He sold me on the idea of working on myself that way, to finally be someone. Someone worth loving…”

“Luz!” I stop talking, and let her get a word in. “Luz, mija, why are you sounding like you are trying to justify what happened to you at camp?” she says, obviously on the verge of tears. And in that moment, something snapped inside of me.

“BECAUSE I DESERVED IT!” I shout, shutting my eyes, too scared of seeing the reaction of my mother. Immediately, the flood gates open, and tears start rolling down my skin, my fists balling up as a way to support me. I continue on:

“I was always in your guys' way, all of you guys! You, Vee, Dad, and now even Eda! I have done nothing in my life but burden everyone who has even come into contact with me, and have not done a single thing to earn anyone's sympathy or love! And I just… I wanted to earn that. But I’ve not changed a bit, have I? Desperate pleas to anyone's attention, and sympathy. I should have…” I linger for a bit, my mind catching back up to what I had said.

Before this moment, there was one thing standing between me and mom: the coffee table, the coffee table in the middle of the room. “I should have killed myself that day.” I sob out, feeling so defeated. I had let myself out into the world, and now she knew the true me. And then, out of nowhere, the table that had separated us, did no longer, as mom sat up as quickly as she could, ran around the table, and drew me into a tight embrace.

“Luz…” she chokes up, being very well in the last of her abilities, trying as hard as she can to get this last little bit out “Luz, I’m so sorry, mija. You don’t deserve to feel like that, never. No one does, and no matter how much you try to justify it, it’s horrible and wrong. They… I should have never made you feel like that. I should have been there for you, but I wasn’t. I’m sorry, and no amount of justification you try to do will make any of this right.”
I break into sobs, tears flowing down my face, release of everything that I’ve built up for years finally being unearthed. It felt kind of… good in a way? Like, don’t get me wrong, it was painful, letting all that in the open like that, but it also felt… like, for the first time, I was going to be okay. Part of me fights against this feeling, as the dark part of my mind tells me that I’m just looking for attention again, but it seems quieter now than it has in years.

We stay like that for a long while, trying to get re-accustomed to each other. To finally bridge that distance that had felt so far in the past few years, basically ever since dad had died. Slowly, we pull away and we both seem to feel a lot better about ourselves, if maybe a bit emotionally drained. As I think, however, there is one thing I feel like that needs to be let open:

“Uh hey, do you mind if I tell you one more little thing? Something that I’ve kept hidden for as long as that whole hating myself thing?” I ask, to which mom shakes her head no, and looks straight into my eyes expectedly, waiting for me to continue.

“Well, uh today. I left school, as you know.” she nods her head to this. “I had a mental breakdown due to being, uh, bullied…” I say, to which she gasps, which pierces my ears a bit. I feel a lot more vulnerable right now, though, so I keep going “This… isn’t a new thing. This bully has actually been bullying me since…” this is the final thing I need to tell her, I think, before finishing that final sentence “Since 6th grade.”

And thus, I had finally introduced my mom to the full, true me.

Chapter Text

As I open my eyes, I see a fogginess lifting up across me. I slowly sat up on the bed I had been laying down on. As I look to my side, I see king nuzzled into it, and slowly, I swivel my head around and look to my other side, I see Vee, holding onto me tightly, as if worrying that she would lose me. ‘Huh’ I think to myself as I start to get my mind rolling a bit. I look out the window, the only light shining through being that of the lamp posts of my neighborhood.

“Jeez, how late is it?” I silently mutter to myself, before looking over to the alarm clock on the side of me that reads ‘4:48 AM’, to which panic starts to set into me. How did I get up this early, I think to myself, before events of the previous day flooded my memory, all the things that I had revealed, and all the emotions that had run its course throughout the day. Dread starts to overcome me, as I feel the oncoming storm of emotions that was about to tell me how worthless I was.

The thoughts did come, as I did feel ashamed of what all I had revealed, all the new burdens that I had placed upon my family, but it felt quieter than before. It was… manageable, though still obviously very unpleasant. It also sounded less like my inner voice speaking to me, and more like how Belos had sounded, as if these thoughts were on the outside of me, instead of inside of my very core.

The last thing I can remember is me telling my mom how I was bullied, and how she reacted to that. As soon as that had come out, my memories suddenly became very blurry, probably tired from everything I had gone through that day. I hope I didn’t worry her too much, I think to myself, before I slowly peel myself away from the tangled mess of a bed I was inhabiting, and, making sure not to wake anyone else up, I quietly walk out my bedroom door. ‘I don’t exactly have anywhere I need to be today’, I think to myself as I get ready for an, apparently, very early day ahead of me.

I work my way to the living room, becoming suddenly alert of how hungry I felt. I had been slowly making progress on my eating habits this past week, even if I wasn’t fully back to normal on those yet, I REALLY don’t want to progress backwards on that. A bowl of cereal and some cut fruit pieces should probably take me about 15 minutes to eat, which would have sounded ridiculous to me a few months ago, but when I first came back, it took me nearly 45 to eat exactly that when I had first come back a week and a half ago. It’s progress!

As I work my way to the kitchen, however, I hear light noises going on throughout it. Curious, I start to work my way there, and find none other than mami standing around the kitchen, brewing her daily cup of coffee to get her ready for the day. She isn’t very much of a morning person, I think to myself, before holding my breath on command. I worry to myself about getting in trouble for being up this late (early?), but I soon remember that she of all people would know how early I went to bed.

Building up my courage, I walk into the room, and start stalking my way around the different cabinets, only being noticed when I accidentally dropped my box of cereal on the ground, thankfully nothing spilling out. I still wince at the impact, however, as I worry once again about getting in trouble for that. Dang, I really have issues, don’t I? As I think this, mami turns towards me, and groggy but still sincerely gives me a smile and wave, with a hushed “Good morning Mija” slipping out of her mouth

I give a soft wave as well, reply with a near silent “Hola Mama”, as I pick up the box on the floor, and, with a light tap, spill the contents into the bowl in front of me. That settled, I work my way over to the fridge, quietly scooching by the other occupier of the room as I do so. Quickly as I can quietly, I pick up the carton of orange juice out of the contraption, as well as a few grapes and an apple. I closed the fridge, not wanting to let out any more of the coldness inside as I already had.

I work on the fruit, washing the grapes and cutting the apple into neat little slices. I initially couldn’t find the knives, to which my mom replied that she had hidden them so I couldn’t hurt myself with them… alright, fair, I think to myself, before she silently pulled one out of her purse, one that she keeps with her just in case something needs to be cut. As soon as I’m done cutting the apple, I clean off the knife she had given me, and give it back to her. I put it all onto a plate, and, pouring the orange juice into the cereal and putting the carton back in the fridge, I work my way to the living room.

As I eat, I pull out the phone which had laid dormant in my pocket, wanting to pass the time until I can do anything else but that. As I scoop a bowl full of cereal, however, I’m suddenly notified that I have… 20(?!?!) missed calls and texts, from multiple senders. I look at first to Vee’s tab, that is simply asking where I was, from when school let out, with a worried little ghost emoji. ‘Guessing I don’t have to respond to that one’, I think to myself before moving onto the next tab.

Gus had sent me two messages, asking if I was okay, and telling me to text her back when I saw it. I felt a little bad about not answering him sooner, so a few spoonfulls of cereal later, I shot him a quick, “Hey!” to make sure he knew she had saw his messages, before getting to the final tab of messages from someone, Willow, with… 11! In her inbox.

Unlike with Vee, who had texted at when school had ended, and Gus who had done it 2 hours after everything had happened, Willow had texted her seemingly RIGHT after everything had gone down, which probably had meant that she had walked in while it had happened. Seen her at one of her lowest points. That must have come as… a surprise, she had presented herself as much as possible as a light of sunshine to them, afraid that they might leave her if she had revealed how fucked up she was right now.

The messages read as frantic, gradually going from worrying about if she was safe and if they could talk about it over lunch, to more asking the general question about where she was. The last message also was much later than anyone else had messaged her, at around 6:00 pm, asking her one final time if she was okay and assuring her that she could take her time responding to her, and showing a little bit of guilt for blowing up her phone.

I chuckle slightly to myself; I must have really scared this girl, huh? Going down on my last spoonful of cereal before slowly drinking the remaining bowl of orange juice out, I shoot a quick message. “Hey” it reads, “sorry about not getting back sooner. I promise I would have, just… a lot happened yesterday. I’m excused for school the next week, but if you want, we can meet up at my place to talk about what happened after school today!”

Content with the message, I slowly work my way through the plate of fruit on my table, mindlessly scrolling through some posts of artists that I like on twitter, when I suddenly hear a noise reverberating from the phone in front of me, and a pop up of a phone call up in front of me, coming from… Willow!? What is she doing up at… 5:12! When did it get that late? I quickly press the accept call button on my phone, before putting it up to my ear, ready to talk to her.

“Luz!” she responds almost instantly, loud enough for it to pierce my ear slightly, though not loud enough to actually wake anyone over at her place who hears it. I wince slightly at the volume, which she seems to notice, even over the phone. “Oh, hehe, sorry ‘bout that.” she says in an embarrassed tone of voice, and I can faintly hear the scratching of hair over the line. “Anyway, are you okay? You, uh, sort of scared me there for a second.”

“I could tell that” I said with a slightly sarcastic tinge, which I then felt immediate guilt about. ‘What if she actually thought I was upset?’, I think to myself silently.

Luckily, it doesn’t take Willow to pop that bubble of guilt, as she starts giggling slightly to herself. “Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about that. It’s just that… I walked into what had happened, and I saw you at your lowest, after what Boscha did to you. And, uh, I couldn’t get that image out of my head, so it felt like I couldn’t stop until I knew for sure you were okay. And, well, here you are!” she stops for a second, let that sink into the air for a bit, before continuing on. “Sorry if I was a bit overbearing there, though”

I shake my head silently, before remembering that I’m on a phone call and that she hadn’t seen that, before continuing on “Uh, no, it’s okay, really. I just appreciate that I have someone who would check up on me.” I started, before what Willow had just said started to catch up to me. ‘I saw you at your lowest’ starts to reverberate around my head, before I continue “Oh, uh, I guess I should also say… I haven’t, exactly, uh, been honest with you guys so far?”
I hear nothing from the other line for a good few seconds, which feel like hours for me, before I hear back “How so?” from Willow, almost unsure of how to continue this conversation. Part of me wants to back down now; I just got these new friends that I love and hold dear, do I really want to potentially ruin a good thing I have going? I do realize, though, that I would have to tell her eventually, that I couldn’t keep this hidden from them forever, just like I couldn’t from my family.

Slowly, I build up my courage, and continue onwards “I haven’t lied to you or anything, don’t worry!” I respond, pulling a bit of faux confidence out of my bag. As I say this, I notice mami sits across with me, eyebrows raised as I talk into the phone. I give her the sign for 1 more second, to which she nods, before continuing on “Just… you know how I’ve come out to you guys as this little bundle of sunshine, and tried to come off positive about most things?”

“Yeah?” she responds in a somewhat confused, but also somewhat concerned, voice, before I continue on.

“Well, uh, that, uh, isn’t… exactly accurate, I guess is the best way to put it. I was scared that if I let off anything other than that, though, that you guys could have run away. I, uh, was never the most popular person in school, and, if I’m being honest, you guys are… sorta my first ever real friends?”

I hear a gasp from the other side of the line, before Willow responds to this new information. “What?!” she says in a near whisper, obviously not wanting to wake up her family, but it was still as surprised as any yell could be. “Luz, I don’t know what has happened in your past, but just know that Gus and I wouldn’t think about leaving you behind, not as long as you don’t do anything to betray us!”

I chuckle to this, uttering a quick thanks to her words, before she adds on “If anything, I think it’s the other kids who are stupid!” which gets me into a fit of laughter, me trying my best to not wake up my family at 5:19 am. “And Luz, please don’t try to hide yourself. I now understand that you haven’t had exactly the… best past in terms of friendships, but we, Gus and I, really do care for you. If you ever do have anything you want us to help with, please just ask! And we can do the same to you, right?”

I respond with a quick “Sounds good.” before I actually mew over the possibility. Like I thought earlier, I won’t be able to keep this from them forever, so I may as well get it over with as soon as possible. “Oh, well then, hey Willow” I speak out, to which she hmms at, beckoning me to continue. “Well, if you two wouldn’t mind, then there is actually something I would like to talk to you two about. Want to make plans for today after school? Like I said in the text, I won’t be their today, so I can send you guys a text with directions over here so you can come over?”.

I turned to mami, who seemed to be lightly paying attention to what I was saying, making sure to cover all my bases “If it’s okay with you?” I ask her, who gives a thumbs up in approval, giving me the go ahead.

“Of course! Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Luz! I promise you that we will be there!” she says confidently, before slowly backing her statement up, just a tad “Well, I promise I will be there. I don’t imagine that Gus’s dad would mind, he always likes it when he is able to hang out with kids of his grade level, but I don’t actually know if he has any plans today.” she finishes off her thought.

“Oh no, that’s okay!” I say, making sure to show my gratitude towards her. “Don’t worry about it, really! Even if it’s just you, it would… help to get these things off my chest.” I finish off, before starting to cap of my thought “And Willow, uh, I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but really, thanks for helping me out back there with Boscha! I, uh, don’t really remember any of it, it almost felt like I was paralyzed, but really, thanks!”

I expected to hear a ‘you’re welcome’ back from that, but instead tension seemed to grow throughout the line, neither of us really sure how to continue. A chilly September early morning breeze blew in through the window on the other side, making me slightly shiver, as the thoughts seemed to catch up to me. ‘Did I do something wrong?’ I think to myself, as I wait what feels like minutes, but was in reality a few seconds, for the person on the other side of the line to respond.

Finally, after those agonizing moments, she does. “Oh, uh, I’m sorry Luz.” it sounded like she was on the brink of tears, holding them back as well as she could. “I, uh, when I walked into the room, I saw Boscha hovering over you, almost controlling, though she also looked almost… scared? Like she somehow didn’t know what was gonna happen!” I hear her grit her teeth together slightly in rage, before she continues

“Anyway, uh, I saw that, and I- I don’t know, it was like I froze up! I wanted to help, and it hurt seeing you like that, but something within me just couldn’t take that first step to come, I don’t know, help you. It’s a bad excuse, I know, but it almost felt like I was afraid that I might end up like that too.” she said, and while she couldn’t see her, she could hear her voice becoming more and more erratic, as she seemed to be trying really hard to quiet herself down. She might be crying. “I felt like such a bad friend there.”

“Woah woah, hey there, don’t worry so much about it.” I say, to which she calms down slightly from. “Just breathe deeply with me, okay?” I say, as I exaggeratedly puff my chest up, which only mom and I can actually see, before blowing air slowly out of myself, counting down as I do so, and hearing the same from the other side of the line. We repeated this a few times, before Willow seemed to be calming down on the other side of the line.

“Thanks Luz, apparently I need that.” she responds to me

“No problem!” I reply back, feeling proud for being of use. Take that self doubt brain, this Luz can actually help people! A feel of joy slowly washes over me, as I start to feel a little bit of confidence come back to me. The thoughts had been quiet this morning, hopefully it’s a sign for the future! “Oh, if you don’t mind, would you mind if I ask who actually helped me? I want to thank them personally, don’t know what I would have done without them?”

“It was Amity.”

Emotions slowly start to surround me, as I think about this. It was Amity? I mean, I know she said she wouldn’t let this happen again, but I thought that was just a formality! And for what, why did she change so quickly? Just before she had left for camp, Amity had been fully on Boscha’s side with all the bullies! And now, she was defending them against her?! It confused Luz a lot.

“I want to talk to her” I say mostly to myself, but also to Willow, across the line. “I do still want to thank her, but I also want to figure out what’s going on. This has been going on for a long time now, and I REALLY want to get to the bottom of this.”

“Well, I do agree that what’s going on with her has been really strange. She’s been acting weird since before we first met, and I really want to know what’s happening.” she says, before continuing, “I guess I’m just scared to talk to her. What if she is just deceiving us?”

“Well then, we will have each other to back us up!” I reply, trying to give a little pep to my step. “You, Gus, and I, we have each other’s back. We’ll get through this together, and help each other out, and also get to the bottom of this whole Amity business!” I finish, smiling proudly to myself.

“Sounds good. So, uh, do you want me to give your address to Amity, or?”

“Oh, uh, I guess? I mean, I know she can be a bit… much, but I don’t think even she would do something bad with it, even if she was trying to trick us. Plus, I don’t know why, but I just don’t feel like she is trying to trick us.” I finish up, with Willow agreeing with me, before I add on “But, I still, uh, want to talk to you guys more about me. I’m not sure about Amity being there, though… maybe we send her home after we figure out what’s going on?”

“Sounds good to me!” she replies back to me. “So you will just text me your guys address, I will share it with Amity, and then we all head to your place, and after you finish up thanking Amity and figuring out what is going on, we then talk about you?” I give a “yep” to her, to which she says “Great! Then it’s a date. See ya later Luz, have to go, bye!”

“Bye!” I say back to the phone, as she quickly hangs up, and turns to the clock, which now reads 5:30, before eating my final apple slice of my plate. Okay, that may have taken me 35 or so minutes this time, but I was talking on the phone while eating, okay! I then turn to my mom, her smiling at me.

“So you finally got your 2 new friends to come over, eh?” she says, love sparkling all throughout her eyes.

“Yep!” I quietly exclaim excitement slowly building throughout me. Then I realize that I should probably be a bit more honest than that. I hadn’t LIED to her, per say, but I didn’t tell her about the third person I had now planned. And who that third person was. I thought of the best way to put this, but instead, somehow, my mind settled on the one that would put my mami the most on edge, no matter how much I tried to explain it afterwards.

“And… my former bully.”

Chapter Text

As I walk into the school, memories of my earlier today's talk with Luz slowly fills my head, as I remember the task that I had to do today, the weight of the future conversation that I’m going to have to have pushing down on me, blooming into a worry that wraps itself around my lungs, making it hard to breath. I haven’t talked to her in years, not really, it was all just me begging her to leave me alone. I didn’t want to hear what she had wanted to say to me, not after she betrayed my trust like that.

But maybe Amity had changed? Maybe she reflected on her actions and figured out that she had done massive wrong? If she was doing this to manipulate me, then she would have probably done all this in person, I would think. Try to get an emotional sob story to her side of the story, just enough to pull me back in, only to then hurt me anew, and get me to go back into my shell for good.

But she hadn’t done that. In fact, she had done the complete opposite: she had given me 0 reasons as to why she had done what she had done, just apologized and finally fully left my life. It was weird too, usually she would bully me, tease me, and call me names in the hall, and she would get away with it because her family was influential or some crap. Honestly, with how she had treated me, you would figure that I would WANT nothing to do with her.

And yet, somehow, it seemed that it had hurt in a whole different way. She still missed the old Amity, the one who was her best friend all those years back, the one who she would play silly games with, or build stupid beach structures with. The Amity who was always nice and caring, and the one who had even protected me against her own parents sometimes. The one who had seemingly disappeared.

Amity was seemingly taking steps to become a good, or at least better, person again, and I definitely don’t want to take that away from her. Most doubts I had about the true nature of her change had been answered yesterday. The pure anger and tenacity in which she had defended Luz from Boscha was too much to fake, no way, I think to myself. There would probably always be that seedling of doubt in my mind about her, but that was just me being paranoid… I think.

But she was still as cold as a tundra, to us at least. Not cold in a mean way, at least not anymore, but cold as in a “I’m trying to avoid you” way. Like, as soon as her altercation with Boscha was done yesterday, and Luz had been taken to the front office, she had taken up her seat, not even acknowledging me. I had wanted to thank her then, but she seemed so distant from me, that I didn’t know how to approach.
And the thing is, I know why this is. She spelled it out in her letter to me last week. “I know you probably don’t want to be my friend again either, so I have a tall task of finding people I actually want to be around again.” I know that she thinks that this is the best way to do things, that us just not talking again is the preferable outcome for both of us. And, to be fair to her, if I was given that option before getting that letter, I would have definitely said yes.

But now that I’m here, in that reality, well, it left me more confused than anything. I don’t know what had even happened, what had happened to change her mind, anything. Ideas sprouted up in her mind of potential causes of her changes. Maybe she had just grown up? They say that a lot of bullies in middle school grow out of it by high school, after all. Maybe she just grew up after everything that she had done, and realized it was fucked up?

Or maybe something happened to her? Like some sort of experience that had made her grow weary of what she had been doing to her all this time? In that case, what experience had happened to make that sudden of a switch in her? It was a whole summer, to be sure, but the version of Amity that was in the world now seemed almost inconsolable from the Amity that I had known for the previous 6 years before that.

I sigh to myself, before perking up at the person in front of me. While my old best friend may have vanished into the night all those years ago, my new best friend for the past few years hadn’t missed a single bit since he had entered my life just 2 years afterwards. He turns around, and gives me a giddy wave, which I reply back with a more subdued wave of my own, before quickly walking over to him to say “Hey Gus!”

“Willow!” he almost shouts back to me, to which I sort of flinch on impact. I love him, but god can he be a bit oblivious to sound limits sometimes. As I open my eyes back, I see him rubbing his neck, with a few eyes around us pointed to him in confusion, before returning back to his conversation. “Sorry, I'm still getting used to this whole “noise level” thing. Anyway, look what I got!” he says, as he pulls out a new lego set he had apparently bought with his money.

“Wow Gus, that’s great!” I say genuinely. We had started off on the wrong foot, with me getting annoyed at his loud antics, but he had apologized shortly after that, and they slowly started to get more accustomed to each other. The way the relationship developed, it was almost the opposite of that between Amity and I, now that I think about it.

She had learned quickly that Gus had ASD Level 2 autism, and that was what had caused him to have some, at the first sight of it, ‘weird’ behaviors, such as poor control of his spoken volume and some issues deriving social cues. After she had learned that, she had felt so guilty from her earlier snapping at him, and became nearly inconsolable, but he had told her that it was okay and there was no way she could possibly have known at the time.

Gus also had to take some special education classes, due to the fact that he had a different learning style than that of other kids, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t smart! Quite the contrary, in fact, he was viewed by teachers across the school as an academic prodigy, and one of the brightest students they had ever taught. He was homeschooled up until 8 years old, when his mother had passed away, and his father had enrolled him into school.

While at 8, meaning he should have been in the 3rd grade, he place the highest score ever on the elementary school placement exam, a near perfect score in all of English, Math, and Science, that it was recommended that he would skip all the way up to the 5th to get material that would challenge him. He was one of the smartest people I have ever met, and that’s saying something.

He also loved to tinker with things of his special interests, which included the Lego set he was now holding in front of her. It was a zoo set, which included over 3000 pieces. It’s cute how excited he gets over these things. “You want to build that sometime this week?” I ask him, which gets him wiggling in excitement. If there was one thing that I love about Gus, it’s that he wears his heart fully on his sleeve.

Suddenly, though, his face drops a bit, and a more serious look comes upon him. “Oh, also, uhh…” he trails off, looking away from me for a second, and twirling his fingers around his hand, obviously nervous about what he was about to say. “I’ve been thinking about our friendship with Luz. And uhhh…” he goes off again, though this time he’s finally able to meet me in the eyes and say “I want to tell her.”

“About what?” I ask to him, giving him a look of mock confusion, even though I know exactly what he was talking about.

And he knows I know what he’s talking about, letting out a mock grown, though he is obviously playing around with me. We developed a safeword in case of situations where he doesn’t like my teasing, and I have made sure he understands he can use it if he doesn’t like a bit we are doing. Obviously though, despite his shaking head, he has a slight smile on his face, indicating we are still in business. “About, you know!” and he waves towards his whole body in dramatic fashion.

I suddenly break character, that reaction getting a serious chuckle out of me, with Gus giving me a good old punch to the shoulder. “But seriously though, I want to tell her about my… my autism…” he looks down, almost sad, before I can put a hand on his shoulder. He looks up, and sees me, and a small, gentle smile reforms on his face. “But I don’t know if I want to do it today. I mean, us meeting her today was supposed to be about her and all.”

“Well, what does your heart say, Gus?”

“It says that I’m scared. What if she doesn’t want to be friends with me because of that!” he has to purposefully keep his volume down, or else he would once again be just a tad bit too loud for the school setting. “You know that I’ve been trying to tone it down a bit since we became her friend, around her at least. It’s a bit easier over text, but yesterday I was so worried about her! But I only texted her once, because I was afraid that more of my… mannerisms would start to show…”

“Well, if she did dislike you for it, then that’s her problem! I know she won’t, by the way, but even if she did, so what! It wouldn’t make you any worse of a person, just her.”

“Willow, I love you, but for all of my middle school life, you’ve basically been my only friend.” he says, looking away from me a bit “I don’t want to lose her, she’s the only person other than you to give me a chance. I don’t want to blow that because I’m being selfish about my condition.” I cringe a bit at that last part, but listen patiently for him to get the rest of his thoughts out.

“And, well, what about you!” he says, putting his hands down desperately. “You’ve also been bullied relentlessly for basically as long as I’ve known you, and outcast by the assholes of the school. Luz has also been one of the few friends you’ve made in a while. I don’t want to take that away from you as well. I know how much you two like each other.” he finishes, holding his head down, waiting for my retort that I always have to his self-deprecating thoughts.

“Well, first off, Gus, what you have isn’t a ‘condition’, it’s something totally natural, and there is no problem with having autism. Second off, what is the use of having a friend if you have to hide something so vital to yourself to maintain that relationship.” he seems to be coming around to my sweet talking, so I hit him with my final dagger of love “Aaaand third off, if someone hated my best friend because of something they can’t control, then, well, I wouldn’t want to be their friend”

Gus was having tears forming in his eyes, but behind them, I could see a happiness in them. “Thanks Willow, you’re the best” he says as he wipes away a tear that streams from his eyes, then wipes that on his pants. “I do want to tell her, but I’m… scared. Thanks for that talk though, I really do appreciate it. And, uhh, yeah, I REALLY do want to get this off my chest as soon as possible.”

“Well” I start, looking up to him, “I’m sure it will be okay then. We will ask her if it’s okay first, of course, but we can think of this less like Luz revealing her truths, and more like us all laying out everything together. So we can grow even closer together!” I say, giving my words a little pep in there step, before then growing sheepish and scratching the back of my neck “...hopefully”

To that he laughs, and then, off the top of my head, I remember what I actually wanted to talk to him about. “So, uh, speaking of Luz” I start, to which Gus looks up to me expectedly. “She, uh… her and I were on a phone call the other day, and I told her what had happened yesterday.”

“She didn’t know?” he asks, looking at me confused.

I shake my head back at him, then continue on “Apparently not. She described it like she was out of it after being cornered by Boscha, not knowing what happened afterwards. Anyway, I told her about what had happened and the fact that it was… Amity who had finally put a stop to what had happened. So, she now, uhh, wants to talk to her. And since she’s not at school today, she asked me to invite her to her house.”

Gus looks at her with suspense, before she was able to finally finish: So, uh, I guess what I’m asking is: could you help me ask her to come over to Luz’s house? I’m still, uh, on edge after everything she’s done to me. I don’t think she’s malicious anymore, but I’m still worried about being with her alone, just in case.” I finished, looking towards him expectedly.

“Of course!” he says, excitedly. “Hell, if you want, I could just ask her to come myself, though. I was never in the way of Amity and Boscha’s targets, mainly because I hardly shared any classes with them, so I’m not afraid of them at all.

I shake my head at the suggestion, though I know Gus only means well, this is something I have to do myself. “I appreciate the offer Gus, but I also have something else I want to do with her as well. Plus, I’m going to have to get over this fear of her eventually, especially if she really no longer means any harm.” I finish, seeing Gus nod in pride of how far I had come, before ending off with a last minute added thought “Plus, I’m the one with Luz’s address.”

To this, he gains a slight bit of Crimson on his cheeks, before replying with a “Oh right.” before regaining his previous form and finishing off with a “So, we meet with her at lunch, and invite her to Luz’s house so she can talk to her?”

“Yep!” I responded, and not one second later, the first school bell of the day rang, and we headed our separate ways, ready to tackle the issue ahead of us in a few hours time.

————————————————————————————————————

Lunch Time comes slowly but surely, and we finally enter the cafeteria together, on a singular mission: find one Miss Amity Blight and invite her to Luz’s house. We scour the kitchen for a second, first landing on Boscha’s groups table, who seemed to laughing and chatting away, probably talking about some childish gossip. We continue looking, and slowly but surely, finally spot her on a table sitting alone.

With our target acquired, we made our way to the table she occupied, and tried to start up a conversation. “Uhhhh.” Great introduction Willow, you nailed it! NOT, as she turns towards me confused, before her eyes got wide at the mere sight of me, almost looking… afraid of seeing me. “Hey Amity…” I add in an awkward introduction, giving a little wave, no enthusiasm going into the movement.

She turns to cower into herself slightly, but at least seems to have the dignity to respond. “Hey Willow…” she says, voice almost just a breath as she does. She seems to be really uncomfortable, and if it was just for her, she would stop, but it wasn’t just for her sake, but also for the sake of Luz “What, uhhh, brings you over here?” she says, and I can see her legs shaking from underneath the table as she does.

“Well, first off, I want to, uhh, thank you, from both Luz and I. We recently became friends, and it meant a lot to both her and I that you stood up for her. I wasn’t even able to do it myself, I just froze. If you weren’t there, the situation could have gotten much worse. So from the bottom of my, and Luz’s, heart, thank you.” I say this as an ice breaker, hopefully getting her more open to talking to me, but instead she stays ice cold.

“And, uh, because of that, Luz told me she wants to, uh, talk to you. Both to thank you, and for her own reasons.” I say, before adding on, “she didn’t exactly tell me what she had planned to ask”, I lie to her, thinking it might be easier for her to agree if she didn’t put in all the details. “So, what do you say? Luz told me she has expressed parental consent, though obviously with a guardian there at all times, so I can just send you the address and you can come.”

“Okay, if she wants me to” she whispers to me, still afraid to even just look at me. She hands me her phone, unlocked, and then says “write it down here on this notes app. I know you probably don’t want me to know your phone number, so you don’t have to give it to me.” And on one hand, this is a massive green flag, not wanting me to give her my personal information, but on the other, it’s just kinda sad. I put the address in the app, before giving it back to her, where she turns it off and put it back in her pocket.

“Oh, and one more thing before I go” I add on, as I start to dig around my book bag, looking for the baggy that I had brought with me. “I got the letter you sent to me. It’s… nice, knowing you won’t be bullying me anymore.” I add on, finally finding what I was pulling. “I didn’t trust it at first. I still have some reservations, but you doing that yesterday really helped me start believing more. But uh, I don’t really want this.” I say, as I hold out the baggy she had given me with the letter

Inside of the baggy, was the money that Amity had given me to pay me back for all those times Boscha had stolen my lunch money with her there with her. For a second, I had considered actually taking it, but my fathers talked me down quite easily into giving it back to her. It wasn’t my money, after all, and she wasn’t technically the one to steal it, though she did nothing to stop Boscha from doing it.

She looks at me in shock, though still unable to look me in the eyes. “Are you sure?” she asks, looking around to make sure no one had the wrong idea. I gave her a nod, and she slowly nodded back, putting it into her bag.

“Well, uh, that’s about it! See you, uh, probably in class at some point.” I start to turn back to walk over to a different table, Gus following closely behind me, when I suddenly hear a sigh coming from Amity. And in that moment, I make a decision. As I turn around, Gus follows me back to the table, and I sit down in one of the chairs, once again startling her, and making her look even more confused than the first time.

“Look, I know you think that’s helping” I start off, as she tries to look at me herself, but instead seems to look past me. I, however, stare perfectly at her face. “But it really isn’t. I would respect it if you stopped being mean to me, but still didn’t really want to hang out, but it’s obvious to me that you are for some reason afraid of me.” I start feeling a little bit emotional, but I carry on through

“Plus, I feel like I deserve an explanation for why you abandoned me all those years ago. For years, I thought you had just been manipulating me for your own gain, but now it’s fairly obvious to me that something happened. You went from nice, to a bully, to someone who stands up to bullies, and that does not make sense in my head. I know you don’t want to make excuses for what you did, and that’s not what I’m asking you to do, but I want to know why you cut me out.”

She looks at me, guilty, still not being able to meet my eyes, before sighing and replying to me “Yeah, sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed what you wanted. I just figured that you would want nothing to do with me, but I guess I should have asked you first. Though, to be fair, I’m not sure how I would have asked back when we were still on those terms of me being your bully.” she gives a weak chuckle in response to that, her attempt at lightning up the mood half hearted.

“That’s fair” I give an equally weak chuckle back to her. “I understand your thought process, though. I probably would have thought the same in your shoes too. But, even if it’s hard to think about now, those old memories still mean a lot to me, Amity. Even if just for closure, I want to know what really happened.” I finish off with a sigh, waiting expectantly for the other girl to respond.

“Well if you were in my shoes, you probably wouldn’t have bullied anyone in the first place” she adds dryly, to which I roll my eyes at. “And, uh, just so we are clear. This is between you and I. If word gets out that I said any of this to you, my parents would kill me, okay?” she asks, looking expectedly, though still not able to make eye contact.

I nod, and though she now had a broad idea of what was going on, she beckons her to continue, and she relinquishes “Well, uh, basically my parents told me to stop being friends with you, telling me that ‘Blights don’t associate with lowly peasants like her’” she says in air quotes, obviously annoyed at the idea of it all. “I had fought back at first, you were basically my only friend at the time, but then they- they threatened your parent business, Willow”

“WHAT!” I shout, gathering attention from tables around us, before glowing a bright red, waiting for them to all go back to what they were originally doing “Sorry, just surprised me. But seriously, they threatened to get my parents' business shut down! That’s insane!”

“Yeah, it really is” she holds back a growl, as she leans back in her chair with her arms folded over her abdomen. “And the worst part is I knew they weren’t bluffing; they have the connections to really do that. I didn’t want your family to go through all those troubles, so I decided to just cut you off, and hurt myself in the process. I knew it would hurt you too, but it was the only thing I could think of.” she pauses for a moment, trying to initiate eye contact, but once again failing

“That doesn’t excuse my bullying of you, by the way. I may have broken it off because of my parents, but the bullying wasn’t from them. I was just trying to fit in with my new asshole friends that my parents made me get, but that doesn’t make it right what I did. Nor even me breaking it off with you. Just because I did so because of that threat, doesn’t mean that it was right to do, nor does it make it okay that I did it in the way I did. That’s what I meant when I said I was too weak to be your friend, in the letter.”

I stared in shock at what she had just laid down on me. It was a lot to take in at once, but it also made me feel… better, somewhat? “I was sort of wondering what that meant. It was how I first started thinking there was a reason behind what happened. I can’t say it’s all okay now, but it does make me happy that you never actually hated me, for what that’s worth to you” I say as I give her a slight smile.

She shakes her head “I never did, and I’m sorry I made you think that, and think other self deprecating thoughts about yourself. You never deserved any of that.” As she says, a realization comes into my head: we are still only 10 minutes into this 40 minute lunch period. And part (well, most) of me still wants to know more. Wants to know what happened to Amity right here and now, right when the moment was right. I figure Luz wouldn’t be too mad if I did so now.

As I start thinking this, I send Luz a quick little text, saying “Hey, got Amity to come over to your place after school today! Got a teeny bit carried away, though, and now I sort of know everything about what’s going on. So, uh, yeah.” I hit send without overthinking it too much, and then turn back to Amity, fully prepared to ask her the question on everyone's mind.

“So, uh”. I start, Amity once again looking up in surprise, content to looking down after our previous conversation ended to eat her food in solitude. “Hey Gus?” I ask, drawing his attention again. “Thanks for the help you gave me here, but do you mind if I take over from here? I want to ask Amity something potentially a little more… private. So she may just want it to be her and I here.”

He nods, before asking a simple question “Are you sure? She could still be dangerous, you know.” to which the girl on the opposite side of the table looks away, guilt dripping away on her face.

“Nah,” I say, to which Amity looks back at me stunned, before I add “I trust her.”

Gus nods to me, waving as he walks away from the table, as Amity sighs of relief and tells me “Thanks. It, uh, means a lot that you trust me enough to be alone with me. Even I feel like I haven’t earned that trust yet…”

“No problem” I interject, the once hard voiced girl who could talk over whoever she wanted now metamorphosing into one of the softest voiced people she had ever met “Now, if this isn’t prying too much, do you mind if I ask; what happened to change your mind on being a bully?” I ask, as her face falls as I ask. “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t feel comfortable telling me. I just feel like there is a reason for this change, just like there was a reason for the previous change, and I want to know what that was.”

“No no, it’s fine” the girl assures, and once again fails to meet my eyes, and sighs to herself, before continuing on. “Just, remember, this is extremely private, especially this part. PLEASE don’t tell anyone else, okay?” I get a sinking feeling in my stomach at this, but nod at her to continue. She sighs, before doing so “I guess I should start with this.” she pulls up her left hand, and points the back of it to me, and points to her ring finger, before continuing on. “This is… my engagement ring.”

I look at it, at awe that she had already figured out a long term love life at the very young age of 14 years old. As I read the text engraved on the ring, I see the name “Hunter Whittebane” written in a fancy cursive font, “Uhhh, do you like them?” I ask, wondering how this had anything to do with why she had changed. Did this mysterious Hunter person affect her in a positive way?

“Uhh, no” she says so casually. I look to her confused, to which she responds “It’s an arranged marriage”

“Ahhhhh, rich people stuff” I reply in kind.

“He’s nice enough, but I’m a-” she stops herself, seemingly dereding herself for almost letting something slip out. “-he’s not really my type” she finishes off, seemingly thinking she had done a good job covering her tracks, but I already knew she was a lesbian, all the way back to childhood when she had first asked her parents about it.

“Anyway, uhhh. My parents are… strict. Like, really strict, as you could probably guess from them threatening to close your guys business down.” she chuckles to herself a bit, coming off completely empty, before continuing. “And I really didn’t want to be forcibly married off to a guy I didn’t even want to be with. And, well… I snapped. Not a huge snap, mind you, but one that my parents took as back talking, and…” she stops there, considering her next words very carefully, it seemed to me.

“I guess I should go back a bit farther.” I conk my eyes at that, but gesture at her to continue. “My parents… had a drinking problem back when I was younger.” A part of my soul felt weighted down, as I fear for the worst to come, but she continues onwards “And whenever they drank, they got… stricter than before. Any backtracking, any minor rules broken while they were drunk would result in them throwing their glass around my head, and then coming around to slap me across the face.”

She said it in such a hushed tone to make sure no one around us could hear, but my heart rate picked up, scared of what she was about to reveal, as I felt deep in my soul that this was the least of it. “It was fine, just strict punishment for the longest time,” (no it wasn’t) “, until one time, it wasn’t… it was the same old routine. By this point, I had gotten good at not back talking, but also by this point they had become more temperamental, more willing to do it at the drop of a hat.”

I felt as if my lungs could give out at any moment, and Amity didn’t look too much better, in fact much worse, her convulsing silently in her seat. “I messed up somehow. To this day, I’m still not sure how. They did the thing once again, and mom threw the glass at me, as dad started walking up to pull my hair to slap me. Only this time… the glass didn’t go around me, but instead hit me directly… in the head.”

I felt like I could throw up at any moment, but she kept on going. “The last thing I remember seeing was red flowing over my face, as everything went to black. I was so sure I was going to die in that moment” she had started silently sobbing, keeping it as low as humanly possible to make sure not to attract attention. “But eventually I woke up in a hospital bed, and my parents were over me. And sober. They were over the moon, and so apologetic to me. I knew they cared, they just got a bit… weird while drinking.”

My breathing became more and more erratic as she continued on. “They promised to me that they would never pick up another alcoholic beverage again. They asked if I could keep this a secret, or the CPS would never let me go back home with them again, and I… I still love them, even if they messed up big time there. So I had told everyone, the doctors, and my siblings that I had messed around with a glass and it had tumbled over on my head.”

She sighs, and then asks me a simple question: “Do you remember that week back in 4th grade I had missed?” I think back a bit, taking a few seconds to remember, before it washes over me. The one week, the one week I remember Amity missing, and I had been quietly celebrating, not having to be bullied for a week, I was over the moon. And now I realize what had happened. Silently, I nod to her.

“That was the week after the weekend this happened. It happened on the Saturday beforehand.” I realized that the week that I had deemed one of the best ever, had been probably one of the most painful weeks for the person in front of me in all of her life. Tears flowed down my face at this point, and I saw the same going on with Amity, though her eyes still seemed to refuse to meet mine.

“Anyway, back to 2 and a half months ago now.” she says, trying to collect herself again. “For the first time in years at that point, I had reached my breaking point, and talked back to my mother. My father wasn’t there at this point of the day. She starts getting frustrated. She’s still sober, so obviously wouldn’t actually attack me, but I had made her so upset that she… she threw the glass of… whatever drink she had.”

I audibly gasp at what she had said, but she was quick to wave her hands in correction “Not toward me, not towards me!” she looks frantic at this point, an obvious battle raging in her head. “In fact, she made it a point to throw it AWAY from me, so I wouldn’t get hurt again. She didn’t mean any harm by it, but…” the sobs were getting audible now, so she had to reign it in. And then, it happened.

For the first time this whole conversation our eyes had met. And in them, I saw only fear.

“I was so scared Willow” her voice was drowned out by whispered, but still audible, sobs as she couldn’t control herself anymore. “It felt all so real again, and I just… I couldn’t handle it. So… I ran. I ran as fast as I could, out of the house, and I was crying as I ran down the sidewalk my house resides on… and I went down an alleyway, and started having… a panic attack.”

My face was contorting in ways I never thought possible. This whole time I had thought Amity was a mean natured bully, but in reality she was just a lonely child who was abused and forced away from the only real friend she knew. I knew I had done nothing wrong, but it still pained me to know the full truth. “It wasn’t until my siblings found me that I was able to come back down to earth. Apparently, while this was happening, I was digging into my skin, and leaving noticeable fingernail marks.” she says, still not in control of her sobs.

“And then… I broke my parents' trust. I had promised them I wouldn’t tell anyone about the glass accident, but… I was broken at this point, and there was no way around it. I told them everything, and they were furious at our parents. They told me to stay there, and came back telling me there was a deal that I wouldn’t get in trouble if I had verbally agreed to take Hunter's hand in marriage. They apologized that they couldn’t get something better done, but said that that was all the leverage they had…”

“Amity?” I interrupt the story, and she looks back up, and once again our eyes lock. “Can I… hug you?” she seemed shocked at the mere idea of it, but eventually relinquished, and nodded her head. I went around to the seat directly next to her, and gave her a big hug, letting her cry on my shoulder. “I’m SO sorry this happened to you. No one deserves anything like that, even someone who’s messed up a couple of times in their life.”

She chuckles slightly at this, adding on “I would say I messed up more than ‘a couple’ of times.” we laugh together, until she sighs and retreats back into herself, seemingly much more grounded now. “See, this is why I didn’t want to immediately go into explaining why I did everything! Now the victim in my bullying feels the need to support me! I didn’t want to guilt trip you into forgiving me, and now I feel like I have… I’m sorry for all of this, Willow.”

My stomach twists at how casually she hates on herself, but I don’t push, and instead counter her with “Well, if it means anything, I haven’t forgiven you yet.” the girl looks up at me, a look of confusion but I continue on. “Not yet, anyway. Everything you did, for all those years… they still hurt, a lot.” she looks down again, almost dejected, before I add onto that

“But I can see you are changing” she looks back up to me, for the first time in years I see a look of sheer wonder on her face. “I can see you are trying to be a better person. And so, while I’m not ready to fully forgive you yet… I am willing to give you another chance. Make it Amity and Willow, just like the good old days. And overtime, hopefully, we can learn to move on, both of us, into something bigger than our issues. So, what do you say?”

The sheer look of joy on her face as I ask her this is incomparable, a mix of hope, and total glee “I would love nothing more than that, old friend.” she says, tears still streaming down her face, but contorted to a new meaning, like a river of running water being diverted into a fresh lake where it had before been going into a polluted pond. “God, you are such a saint Willow, have you EVER sinned before?” she asks me.
“Welllll, I mayyyy have lied when I said I don’t know what Luz was going to ask you. I sort of jumped the gun a bit, that question about what happened to cause that change over the summer while she was there too. Whoopsies.” I gently place my fist on my temple, but as I do so, I notice Amity had tensed back up and looking out into space again. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, Amity.” I add in response, to which she shakes her head.

“No, no, it’s fine.” she says, thinking to herself. “It’s just…” she sighs to herself “Thank you for telling me so I can get ready to say that all again. Just… maybe a bit toned down this time.” she says, giving herself a little chuckle “Uhh, I’m going to clean myself up before I have to go to my next class now… see you at Luz’s place?”

I click my tongue and give her a finger gun, before telling her “For sure. See you there, friendo.” she waves back to me, and then walks of to her next class “god this is going to take some getting used to” I mutter under my breath, before I pull my phone out of my pocket, a message from Luz reading ‘Oh my god tell me what she said pleaseeeeeeee” with a whining emoji at the bottom. I chuckle to myself, before sending her a reply.

“Nah, I think it would be better if you heard it from the girl herself ;>”

Chapter Text

As the final words between the 5 of us are finally spoken, we feel an air of an emotion that I cannot put words to envelop us. Not fear, that had been abandoned at the door to my house. It was almost a sort of… finality. Not the type that I had yearned for at my lowest point, but more of a “that low point had finally been passed”. Not just for me, but for all of us.

It had started as a simple conversation between Gus, Willow, Amity, and I. When I had learned that we all had something to share, I suggested they go first, that mine would probably be a pretty big downer for whatever it was they wanted to share. Willow had seemed suspicious about what Amity had to share as well, so we started out with her. How worthless for years due to relentless bullying. That was followed up by an apology for all her actions over those years, with Willow shooting back by teasing her about how much she apologized.
Gus followed that up by a ramp up of the angst factor. Being isolated by all his peers due to his neurodivergence, and how afraid he was of coming out to her with those conditions. I took that time to reassure him that I still loved him, and that there was nothing between them because of his neurodivergence.

I had even officially come out to them as bi, telling them I hadn’t planned to come out today but had done so to show Gus support. They all seemed to all support her, though Amity had seemingly gone beet red at that. Maybe I was homophobic but didn’t want to be mean? There would be time to figure that out later

It took long for them to figure out who to go to next, but since there was a chance that I might have wanted to be alone with Willow and Gus to them the next part, Amity had volunteered to go next. started on one of the most sad rants of all time, how she never really felt safe at home, and how her parents had physically abused her when she was still so young. How they had stopped after an incident she didn’t describe in detail, and how she knew that she wasn’t in danger anymore, but that it still scared her to this day.

I had taken in context clues that, while she may have not had a finger layed on her since then, Amity’s parents still weren’t… good people, to say the least. We aren’t really close, but there was a part of me that wanted to go over there and tell her everything would be okay. But I had her own issues going on, so, while I wished I could help further, I didn’t have the means nor the resources to do so.

I also found out I didn’t like Amity’s parents much, I had decided. She never said it outloud, between sobs and recounting her own pains, Amity had made it very clear to them that she still loved her parents, and while I personally felt Amity had been manipulated quite a bit for that to be something she thought, I allowed her boundaries to stay set.

Finally, it was onto me. I had so much to recount, from the abuse that I faced at camp, to the worthlessness that school and my life after my father had died had pushed onto me. I felt sort of empty saying it all again. There was a part of me that would always feel like I was back there, again, but the voice in my head had finally been not vanquished, but quieted to where it was back to normal. That was the first step into my recovery process, Lilith had told me. The second step was the harder one: improving from where I was before.

Speaking of, Lilith had joined us right before everything had begun. Vee and Eda had been set positions to help protect me if Amity had tried any funny business with her, but I had joked to Eda after getting that text from Willow about Amity at lunch time that it started sounding like it was a group therapy session. Taking this seriously, she had asked Lilith if she would have been free after school at 5:00 or so. She said that she would be off work by then, so showed up here right before it had started.

After all 4 had said their piece, I had noticed that Lilith was writing into her notebook that she had kept with her, presumably writing down notes from their talk. Apparently, I had realized this had REALLY turned into a group therapy session. It had seemed that Eda and Lilith were about to jump into the conversation, assuming the talk had been finished, when suddenly from the corner, a little noise had been made.

“Uhhh” we looked over to see a very nervous looking Vee sort of staring, almost panicking as if she wanted to go back, but then, determined, had asked one simple question. “Do you mind if I, uh, join in on this? Hearing everything you 4 had to say, especially Amity and Luz, it, uh… inspired me to want to speak my piece on what happened to me? If it’s too intrusive, it’s fine if you guys don’t want me to.”

We had reassured Vee that it was totally okay, and had asked her to continue on with her story. She recounted even more this time than last, mostly the same story she had heard the last time, but with more details on what had happened, talking about specific things she would do for her. The way he used to throw her across the room, punch her, and when it wasn’t physical, it was the way he had constantly derided her after she had gotten home.

Even though she had recounted the story many times over, it never lessened in the fear it had given me. The way it made me feel about the man who had harmed such an innocent soul. And the want to hug her sister after all of it. She leaned over, bringing her into my shoulder, as she cried into it once again. I never wanted her to hurt again, no matter what it took... Is this what Vee had felt towards me? I thought back to all the past week and a half, how much she had been there for me. It reminded her of how she acted whenever Vee needed that help.

I give a light, not happy, but content smile to that. I look around the room, the mood finally settling down, all speaking all we possibly could and wanted to at that time. We give a content sigh, the weight of everything we had all been holding in for what seemed like years being left to the air, dancing around the room, the only sound left stopping as Lilith finally lifted her pen of the paper, looking up to say something.

However, it seemed Eda had beaten her to the punch stating the obvious first “Geez,” she said, trying to come off with her signature catty, sarcastic nature, but her body failed her as she wiped the oncoming tears off her eyes. “How did I end up being the guardian of 5 kids who have issues THIS deeply rooted.” she said, chuckling to herself, though small tear lines lined up the bottom of her eyelid. “Lily, do you have any idea how to get 5 kids professional therapy cheap?”

“Well, I’ve been here this whole time, haven’t I?” she shoots back to her, Eda sighing in defeat. “I guess we should start with this: you 5 all need some sort of support group. I know what it feels like to fall down that rabbit hole of self hatred, trust me, it’s not fun, especially when you have no one to help you, because, say, you betray the one person who cares about you in their time of need.” Eda lets out a little chuckle at the joke, before Lilith continues.

“It sounds like you 2.” she points to Willow and Gus, “are friends with Luz, are you not?” they nod their heads, to which Lilith lightens up. “You seemed more comfortable to share just by her being there. It may be a good idea for you three to be each other's support group, since you all seem to care a lot about each other.” she finishes off, before heading over to Vee.

“Obviously you know Luz” she starts to her, to which she rolls her eyes. “But I don’t know if you are friends with Willow and Gus. Are you?” she shakes her head no. “Hmm, well it’s not healthy to have only one other person in a support group, because if one of you guys have an off day, the burden of both your and their issues are on only one's back. That is very unhealthy, obviously.” Vee sighs, looking down on herself, and Lilith lightens up her approach.

“Well, the way I see it, there are two roads here: one, you make your own support group separate from Luz completely, making your own group of people who help support each other in down times.” she looks for a bit, almost as if considering it, before Lilith started again “or two, you join the newly formed support group by Luz, Willow, and Gus here. If they would have you, of course.” she finishes, before looking at the three of us, a knowing look on here face.

“Of course!” Willow said, her face positively glowing towards my sister.

“Yeah, we would love it!” Gus adds on, practically bouncing around the room. “It was only Willow and I for so long, adding not only one, but two, friends at the same time would be incredible!” he says slightly too loudly, my ears getting pierced slightly, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at this moment, looking lovingly towards Vee. “Plus, anyone who cares about Luz as much as you do has to be a great person!” he finishes off, giving her a smile.

“I don’t know guys…” Vee says, looking downwards almost sad. “Are you sure I wouldn’t be intruding? I wouldn’t want to ruin a good thing…”

“You wouldn’t be, Vee!” I said softly but lovingly. “I care so much about you, and with time, I know these 2 dorks-” I point back to Willow and Gus “-will too. So what do you say? Care to join us in this journey?” I say, opening my arms out to her, offering her the support she clearly deserves. Suddenly, I feel her crashing into my gut, hugging me the tightest she had ever since she got nightmares the first day back here.

“Thank you so much Luz!” she says, fighting through tears, though this time happy ones “I legitimately don’t know what I would do without you. You are the best! I love you so much…” I fist pump to myself silently, I always feel great whenever I feel myself help others. It’s a semi miracle that Vee is even able to lean on me like that, seeing how bad I was just a week ago now. As we hug, I feel Willow and Gus join in our hug, the four of us united in our want to help the others.

“That also applies to you, Amity.” I hear Lilith add, softly, as we break away to look at the auburn haired girl across the table. “You actually might need the support group the most, because you are the only one still in the situation that created your issues.” she added, a little matter of factly. “I know you have a… history with most everyone else here, but in my opinion, it feels like they are willing to help you. I may be wrong, but they might just accept you if you ask.”

Amity looks down, seemingly a bit nervous about asking us for help, as I walk down towards her and offer her a hand. “Amity, I know we haven’t been on good terms throughout our lives, but I don’t think you are a bad person.” I smile towards her “Not by a long shot. I don’t know what my future holds, but I feel as if I want you to be in it. I don’t know what I would do if I don’t help you, and you end up severely hurt, or worse. So…” I look straight into her eyes.

“Do you want to join us?”

It took a bit, but slowly, she timidly reaches her hand out to me, as I bring her into a gigantic bear hug, letting out all of the love I could give to the now apparently new facet in my life. I feel the others join us, as Amity seems to be heating up under my touch. The thought that her family had been so distant from her, that she didn’t even know how to react to simple affection, heart my heart deeply, but I continue on.

“Glad I could help you kids” Lilith said, smiling at the 5 of us, before turning to face Eda “And thank you, Eda, for asking me to come here. These kids obviously needed some professional help, and while that wasn’t exactly the most deep analysis I could do with them, I feel like…” she said, turning back to us again. “...like they will figure it out soon.”

We release our embrace of each other, on one hand wanting to say so much more, but on the other, everything we want to say being shown in our looks, the marks of tears dripping down our pours, our look of longing towards something deeper between all of us, something we were all afraid of, the depths of this new ocean being unfamiliar to all of us, but the want to explore it even greater than the fear it brought.

As all this went and left, Willow pulled out her phone to check the time. “It’s already 7:00! Oh crap, I probably should be heading home.”

“Me too…” Gus adds, looking a bit down at the prospect of leaving, but seemingly hopeful that we will all meet together soon. “If I don’t get home quick, my father might kill me.”

“Well, if I don’t get home by 8:00, my parents might literally kill me!” Amity said, trying to help lighten the mood, seemingly said in a joking manner. No one laughed. “Sorry, still trying to learn how to deal with the whole ‘emotions’ thing.” she said, laughing a bit to herself once again, though this time an awkward one.

“Hey, no problem girl.” Vee adds on, grabbing her on the shoulder “We will help you with that. Also, hopefully healthy coping methods, though of course we may all need a little bit of help in that department.” We laugh lightly at that attempt at comedy, something calm but soothing falling between the 5 of us.”

They start leaving one by one, all of us promising to keep in touch, and even promising to form a group chat at school tomorrow, with Luz getting in on it later that day. Lilith leaves first, Willow following right behind her, and Gus behind him, leaving only Amity, walking her way out the door, before Eda sounds off quickly.

“Hey, before you go.” Amity turns towards Eda as she talks. “I trust your decision, if you feel safe and don’t want to take any action on your parents, that’s yours to make.” she says, looking at the girl seriously. “But if they try to harm you again, or if they scare you into thinking they will, or hell, even if you change your mind for no particular reason, just come here, okay? We will try to help you in any way we can.

Amity considers this for a moment, before giving Eda a silent nod and saying “I will… keep that in mind.” she says, before fully walking out of the door, shutting it behind her. In the bottom of my heart, I think, I hope she takes what Eda just told her to heart.

“God” I say, collapsing onto the couch, King jumping up into my lap as I do, with me giving him little pets as he wags his cute little tail and starts to lick my arm. “That was… a lot.”

“I’ll say!” Eda says, collapsing on the couch next to me. Vee sat down opposite of her, and wordlessly, we connected our hands together, feeling trusting of anything the other could possibly do in that moment. “Oh, one more thing I guess. When your mom comes back today, we were planning on surprising you with something” she looks excited, seeming very enthusiastic about whatever it was. “If you are too tired though, we can wait until tomorrow, Luz. We don’t want to push you.”

I shake my head to her, enthusiasm, vibrating of my whole being. “Not at all Eda, I’m sure that, no matter what you guys hit me with, it will be nothing compared to the rest of what happened today. So, hit me with all you got, try to surprise me!” I say, a since of self righteousness filling me with glee.
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“YOU WHAT?!” I shout in surprise, as I take all in what I had just heard from Eda and Mami, they were dating?! When did this happen, how did I not notice! I mean, I knew Eda had a thing for her, but I never even considered the thought that Mom had reciprocated those feelings.

“HA” she started, seeming at the brink of laughing out loud, and looking down at Luz with the most amused look I had ever seen her with. “Girl, I have been living at your house for, what, a week and a half, and you never even humored the idea that me and your mom had a thing going on for each other?”

“I just thought you two were close friends!” I say, an obvious blush showing across my face “I knew you had a thing for her, but I had no idea that mami thought of you like that as well!” I say, shaking my head mockingly, my chin in my hand “And to think, I even tried to help you ask her out, when you had already gotten the bag!”

“I’m guessing that means you are fine with this relationship, carino?” mami said, very gentle in her tone, unlike Eda, smiling down sweetly at me.

“Well, of course!” I say, to which all 3 of the women around me celebrate. “For one, it’s your life, even if I didn’t like Eda, it wouldn’t matter. And even then, Eda entering my life has been one of the best things to happen to me, she helped me so much during this past week.” I say, then remembering one more thing, ask “Also, why did you hide this from me?” It seems that Vee was in on it.

“Oh Luz.” Mami starts, tears coming out of her eyes, but unlike yesterday, they are ones of joy. “I was so worried that you would be, well, offended by the idea of me having another partner other than Manny. I know how much he means to you, to all of us, so I wanted you to meet Eda first before dropping that on you. I’m sorry if you wished we would have told you earlier”. I shake my head, much to my chagrin, their plan worked. “Well, I’m glad then. Who’s up for some empanadas to celebrate!”

“Oh! Me!” Vee yells, jumping up to accompany mami in the kitchen.

“You gonna go join with the other 3 dorketers in their, Luz?” Eda says, punching my shoulder as she sits down on the couch. I nod my head, before looking over to her nervously, one final thing on my mind.

“I will, I will, don’t worry, god knows I need to loosen up, it’s just…” I start, trying to figure out how to word what I was about to say “…Do you mind if I tell you something? Before I go in there to help with their nonsense.”

“Of course, Luz'' she says, slightly leaning into me. “I may not look like it, but I have helped console many a people in my life. Anything you need, I can help you with.”

“Well, uh, god how do I put this.” I start, looking into her eyes, hoping she understands what I’m about to say. “Today, when we were hanging out, my mind, uh, went to a dark place again. It went back to the medicine cabinet, even though it was emptied out, and to me chugging pills until I, uh, died.” I say, scratching my head. “I didn’t want to do it, but it made me feel so bad. After all the help you all have given me, I still feel like that. It made me feel selfish.”

“Shh, shh, baby, don’t think like that.” she says, holding me close. I don’t know when I curled up right up next to her, but it felt good, it felt safe. “It’s okay to feel those things. You don’t want it anymore, right? She asks, to which I shake my head. “Right, see! You are well on your way to self improvement! From experience, uh, those thoughts never really go away. But you are doing so well baby. Don’t forget that. You won’t change over night, but you are improving a lot.”

Tears slowly run down my face again, this one another batch of happy tears, as I wonder how I still have tears to give. I wipe my face on my arm. “Dang, I really needed to hear that, huh?” I say, looking at her, to which she laughs back at my probably disgusting face. “Thank you so much-” I hesitate at the next part, is it too soon? I loved Eda so much, she had done so much to help me, and my feelings felt sorted, so I finally relented, and finished that sentence.

“-mom.”

The face of pure joy mom gave me in that moment was incomparable to any other thing I feel I had done in my life, I think. As I do, I finally, for the first time, felt I belonged. I, Luz Noceda was surrounded by a dark mist, but that had turned to light. No matter where I went, I had always thought I blocked out the light of others, and plunged everyone I was near into a darkness of my own creation.

But through the love of those around her, I had come to accept that she was not that, but rather a lamp post, around which she could make people happy. She needed to learn that about herself, and though it would take time, she would. She had all that she needed, family who understood her, and friends that would support her. Maybe not now, but someday, I may finally learn.

That I am

LUZ OF THE LIGHT!

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As the group left the room, the news channel still played, and though not one of them heard it, there was a special news report.

“Breaking news! Philip Whittebane, CEO of Whittebane INC., is arrested on charges of child abuse on his nephew. The nephew, Hunter Whittebane, is currently in police custody, and it is currently being decided where he will go with his uncle locked up. Come back for new breaking news, later this evening!”

TO BE CONTINUED.