Chapter Text
The seemingly endless expanse of LCL gently brushed its waves against the shore. Peaceful and calm, in opposition to its violent origin. Asuka hadn’t been there for it, of course. The Mass Production units had quite literally devoured her before she could be collected like the others. The vague glimpses of the event she had gained within Instrumentality told her all she needed to know. Ghostly guides in the guise of the First Child, morphing into loved ones, coercing people into giving up their souls to join the collective.
But she wasn’t focusing on the primordial ocean before her. Her sight was fixed on the lone figure standing amidst the waves. Asuka knew it was Shinji without needing to call out to him. He was the only one out of their little group that frequented the red-orange waters anymore. For hours he’d stand there, staring without seeing the massive head of the First Child that loomed on the horizon. Sometimes he’d scream mindlessly, and other times he would just stand, letting the LCL soak into his clothes. She had asked him, but he never gave her an answer.
Now, though, something seemed off about Shinji. Maybe it was the strange, listless way he was holding himself, like he was about to suddenly fly away. Maybe it was how his head was tilted back, face illuminated by the moonlight. Asuka stepped into the water, shuddering at how unnaturally warm it was. She ambled closer to him, her sloshing breaking the monotony of the waves.
“Shinji?” She called out to him. He gave no indication he heard her. It wasn’t odd for him to do so, and yet her heart started racing. In fear or worry, she couldn’t really tell. “Shinji?”
”She’s calling me.” His voice was so quiet, so soft against the backdrop of the waves, yet Asuka heard him just fine. She watched his arm drop, something that glinted in the moonlight held tight in his grip.
“Shinji?” She called out to him again. Her slow wade became a frantic run. She reached out to him, even as he seemed to be slowly moving away from her. “Shinji!”
”This is how it should have been,” he said, turning around to face her.
Asuka had already been dead by the time Lilith had risen from the bowels of the Geofront. The only time she had ever seen the giant was through Shinji’s eyes, and the remains opposite the beach they woke up on. Yet the massive, forever staring head was gone, and a pale figure stood behind her friend. Asuka forced her legs to carry her faster, to get closer to Shinji so she could pull him back to safety. But no matter how hard she tried, he just kept getting further and further from her grasp.
“Ikari will be safe and happy with me,” the pale figure said. She shifted her empty gaze onto Asuka, her pitch black eyes a terrifying contrast to her skin. “He will be where he belongs.”
“Get your hands away from him!” Asuka shouted, struggling to keep running.
The waves grew stronger, rising higher and higher the more she fought them. Just ahead she saw Lilith’s massive corpse rising, reaching out towards her much smaller form and Shinji. Asuka yelled and thrashed against the waves. Cold hands erupted from the water then, grabbing onto her arms and legs and pulling her down into the darkening sea. The vile stench of blood surrounded her. She gasped in one last breath of air before she was pulled under. She broke her eyes away from the giant and Shinji to glare at whoever dared to grab her.
The ever-grinning faces of the Mass Production Evas greeted her. Their hands clashed with one another as they struggled to each grab a piece of her. The vile things let out low, gleeful laughs as they further sank into the dark depths. Asuka shook her head, fear gripping her heart as she fought against them. It was pointless, of course. She was one, and they were many.
"She'll take good care of him, Soryu," the Evas whispered to her. "Shinji deserves happiness with her."
"No, no!" She fought harder. Above, mired by the water, she saw the giant finally close a hand around her friend. The sound of bone and flesh being crushed was all she could hear over the gurgle of liquid. Asuka let out a cry and turned to look at the Evas, the only things she could take her sorrow out on. Instead, all she saw was the final angel, smiling ever so pleasantly at her, as if he hadn't a care in the world.
"Shinji-kun will be happy forever now," he told her. "With us, away from you, away from all the people that hurt him so much."
"I apologized! I'm trying to be better!" Asuka screamed. She still couldn't break free of his hands, the two of them sinking further and further, away from the light.
"You'll never be better, Soryu, you know that," Kaworu's voice was cold, though he never gave up his happy little smile. "That's why you died, why you should've stayed dead."
"Shut up!"
"Let me fix that, shall I?" His hands left her arms, only to clamp against her throat. She flailed against him, her screams nothing but gurgling noise. All the while, his bright red eyes stared into her soul, and his peaceful smile never once left his lips, even as she felt her life slip away from her.
Asuka shot up, gasping and reaching out to nothing. Something clung to her body, pinning her on the floor. It took a moment for her to calm down enough to realize it was only her thin sheets. Not the cold hands of the MP Evas. Not the uncaring grasp of the Seventeenth Angel. She was on a hard floor, not sinking to the bottom of the Sea. She was safe.
“Verdammte Albträume,” she muttered to herself. Slowly, stiffly, Asuka stood and stretched. When had she fallen on the floor? And where was Shinji? She had to have made a noise. The image of him and Lilith being taken away by her corpse's hand wouldn't leave her mind. "He's just making breakfast, probably just absorbed in his work again."
Hurriedly she made her way out of their room and into the rest of the apartment. Silence greeted her. Fear spiked in her chest as she moved around, looking for any sign that someone was around. No letters, no papers, no notes, nothing. She could feel the panic slowly crawling its way through her. Once again, she was all alone. Just like the day she died. The only difference was that she wasn't floating in a tube of LCL and she was in her pajamas.
Asuka took one deep breath, then another, and then another. Keep calm, she told herself, and think. There's no way everyone just up and left you behind, they're just somewhere else, that's all. It did little to comfort her. She could still feel the hands around her arms and legs, the fingers clenching around her throat. Her own hands shot up to her neck. There was nothing there, just phantom touches from her dream. And yet she was choking to death, she was being dragged back down into the Sea. Primal fear told her to fight, to claw at the hands trying to snuff out her life.
For a moment she thought she heard someone calling her name. Then she imagined another set of hands on hers, far kinder and gentler than the ones plaguing her mind. They tugged her fingers from her throat, whispering soothing sounds. She could feel the sharp sting of the scratches burning against her skin. A soft touch against one made her whimper, in fear or pain she wasn't too sure.
The sensation of the phantom hands disappeared fully. There were only her hands and the hands of whoever was now trying to soothe her. She wasn't back in the Sea, being dragged to the depths. She was safe and warm and dry in the living room. Only vaguely was she aware that there were tears making their way down her cheeks. A familiar scent engulfed her, but she couldn't exactly remember what it was. Still, she didn't look up. Somewhere deep in her mind, some terrified part of her thought that if she did, she would be looking at the face of one of the MP Evas.
"I'm here now, Asuka, no more worries, alright?" A sweet voice whispered. She didn't argue. She only threw herself at whomever was holding her and buried her head in their chest. They started humming, a tuneless melody. She was safe. There were no MP Evas, no giant Rei stealing Shinji from her, no Angelboy dragging her down into fathomless depths of nothingness. She was safe.
At some point, Asuka had fallen back asleep. There were no dreams to haunt her this time, however, just the welcoming nothingness behind her eyelids. There was no cold water filling up her lungs and drowning her, only the addictive warmth of another person's body around hers. Once more, she was alone when she finally left her sleep. Faintly she could hear off-key humming from somewhere nearby. So she wasn't abandoned, as she had thought before, caught in the throes of lingering fear and panic from her nightmare. It was stupid, she knew. Asuka would never admit to anyone else what had sent her spiraling. Not anyone that didn't live under the same roof as her, at least. Shinji needed to know. The two of them were in less anguish when they shared such horrible things with each other.
The redhead stood on unsteady legs and shuffled off in the direction of the humming. To her relief, Shinji was standing in the kitchen, quietly cleaning up the counter and stove. He was humming something she sort of recognized. How could someone who played cello be so off-key when humming? Shinji hadn't noticed her just yet. Still afraid, of what exactly she wasn't really sure, Asuka tapped on the wall to draw his attention.
"Asuka!" He turned and smiled at her.
How different they both were, now. Once, she knew, Shinji partially dreaded seeing her. Afraid of the persona she gave to the world to hide the hurt within her soul. The brash, abrasive lie she told everyone, even herself, so she wouldn't need to deal with the thought of being useless and unwanted. The long shattered mask that prevented her from crying out for help, for attention, for love and desire and belonging.
Now Shinji looked at her like she was the single most important person in all the universe. Even when Hikari and Touji and Kensuke had come back, when Misato and Kaji hauled themselves out of the Sea, when everyone else was reborn, that look he gave her was for her. Some tiny part of her mind, one that she chose to ignore, kept trying to remind her of all the things he'd done to her, all the vile wrongs he had committed. Things he had apologized for, things he dedicated his entire being to fighting.
"Did you have to work today or something?" Asuka asked him. She let out a shaky, unsure sigh. "I didn't... No one was home when I woke up."
"I-I'm sorry, Asuka," Shinji stuttered. He broke his gaze from her. "I don't know where Touji and Hikari went, or Kensuke, but I was just taking out the garbage, I-I thought you would still be asleep when I got back, b-but..."
Asuka just stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. He immediately returned the gesture, gently squeezing her. Asuka nuzzled against his chest, taking in his warmth, his presence. The part of her that still hated him buzzed in the back of her mind. She chose to pay it no mind. She was safe, and warm, and happy. Shinji was the only person that knew her. Nothing would change that. She wouldn't let anything change that.
"Just warn me next time, okay?" She mumbled to him.
"Okay." Shinji's voice was soft.
She remembered her nightmare. How his voice was so quiet, so far away yet right next to her ear at the same time. But Shinji was right there, his voice in her ear. His arms were around her, holding her tight. He wasn't going to abandon her. He wasn't going to be swayed by the remains of Lilith. They were partners, they were broken people that were too jagged and sharp to ever fit with others properly. For all their faults and sins and problems, they were the only ones to understand. Asuka would never, could never, lose Shinji to someone that fundamentally didn't get him. And he wouldn't lose her, either.
They could never function outside of their overly dependent relationship, could they?
By the time their roommates had returned, it was like that horrid nightmare had never happened at all. Shinji and Asuka, after a quick and not at all emotional breakfast, spent the rest of the morning watching old reruns of shows neither of them cared about. Hikari and Touji had shown up around noon. Neither couple asked the other about their day. At some point Kensuke came home mumbling about something relating to NERV and his appointment over Rei and Kaworu. He didn't stop to say anything to anyone, just shuffling off to his room and leaving only the TV to fill the silence of their apartment.
It was only on the dead of night, as they lay next to each other in bed, loosely holding one another, did Asuka finally tell Shinji her nightmare. He said nothing. In lieu of words, he simply pulled her closer and rolled onto his back so she lay over his upper body. He gave her a small smile. "This way, you can make sure I won't go anywhere until morning," he'd whispered.
When she closed her eyes, she was back in the Sea. Shinji was facing away from her again, and Lilith's head was staring at them. She called his name, just like before. Only now, Shinji turned and smiled at her. He splashed through the water and grasped her outstretched hand, cheerfully leading her back to the shore. She risked a look behind her. A single Mass Production Eva stood there, its eyeless smile hungrily watching its prey walk away. Asuka turned away, moving to walk alongside Shinji instead of him leading her. They stepped onto the soft sand and greeted their friends, the seven of them heading off towards the ruins of their old home.
Shinji was still there underneath her when the morning sun rose.