Chapter Text
It was mid-afternoon, and Xiaoge had been out in the courtyard that led to their front door when Wu Xie had come out to join him. Well, joining him was a relative term. Wu Xie had sat down on a bench, his back resting against the wall of the house, as Xiaoge had finished training with his sword. The man rarely ever practiced with him, despite Wu Xie claiming he used to train with Xiazi often. But, seeing they didn't go down into tombs anymore, didn't have a reason to, either.
No. It seemed that Wu Xie was content to live a life of semi-retirement while helping Pangzi run their little restaurant. Well, that… and telling his Uncle to fuck off every time he mentioned Wu Xie should come back to Hangzhou to fulfill his duties as heir.
It wasn’t that they didn't want to go back. Xiaoge knew they would have to go back to Wushanju at some point. Wu Erbai was right about one thing, his lover was the heir, the only heir. But, he was more than happy to stay as they were for the time being, especially if it made Wu Xie happy.
Sliding the black and gold sword back into its sheath, Xiaoge made his way over to the bench, catching the towel that Wu Xie tossed him. He took a seat beside the man, leaning over to pick up the bottle of water he'd brought out with him, and took a drink. Then leaned back, relaxing, the qilin tattoo slowly fading as his skin cooled in the afternoon breeze.
"How long?"
Well, that had come out of nowhere. Xiaoge blinked, wondering if he'd missed something Wu Xie had said before, tilting his head to the side in confusion. He caught dark eyes watching him, amused, and sighed. "For?"
Wu Xie smiled then, his eyes crinkled in the corners - even more so than a few years prior. "Sorry, I should have been more specific. I hadn't actually meant to say that out loud."
Obviously.
"You see, I was looking over some papers that Zhang Haike had brought with him the last time he came to visit." Wu Xie leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at the sky. "He has documents going back to the early 1900s, and it made me realize he's known you for a long time. A really long time."
Xiaoge nodded. Zhang Haike had alluded to such, saying he'd known him since he was a child. That Xiaoge had saved him. Honestly, Xiaoge didn’t remember any of that and really didn't care. Whenever he tried to think back that far he'd always gotten a sense of dread, as if his mind were telling him he wouldn't like the knowledge he was seeking. So, he'd stopped trying and had never asked Zhang Haike to clarify or give any additional information involving their mutual past.
Some things, he thought, were better left unknown and - perhaps unsaid.
"It made me realize, if he is being honest about your past, that would make you well over one hundred years old." There was a pause, and then Wu Xie looked back at him. "Which also made me wonder how long a Zhang Clan member can live. I was thinking back to when I met you. How you looked as if you were, at most, twenty. Now, even all these years later, you look like you could be the age I was when we first met. Maybe even younger."
It was true. He'd barely aged physically in the time he'd been with Wu Xie, but to Xiaoge, this was normal.
Wu Xie leaned forward and rested his chin on his hand, watching Xiaoge. "So, yeah. If you were to age a year or two for every five years I age? Well, I did the math, and it seems those with Qilin blood could end up living for hundreds of years. It made me want to know if you knew how long you would live?"
"I don't know, Wu Xie."
Fuck, he knew where this was going.
"Ah," his lover leaned back again and rested against the cool stone of the house. "I guess I just realized I'm in my forties now. So, when I'm in my eighties or nineties, you might look like you're in your thirties. You might only be halfway through your lifespan. Maybe not even that. I guess I realized how little time I have with you, compared to how long you might actually live."
And there it was.
"Wu Xie, it doesn't matter."
"It does. At least, it matters to me." He muttered. "I've thought about this off and on, ever since I realized you didn't age the way I did. Pangzi is even older than I am, so what happens to you when we are gone?" Wu Xie didn’t sound upset, just contemplative, as if this were yet another puzzle to solve. How could he assure that Xiaoge would be okay if he wasn't there to physically know he was okay?
But, it bothered Xiaoge. It always had.
It reminded him how feeble and fragile a human life was. He loved Wu Xie, nothing would ever change that. Xiaoge didn’t care how old he looked, or if people looked at them oddly when they were together. It was no one's business but their own. But, it bothered him to watch Wu Xie become physically weaker with each passing year.
Not that Wu Xie was weak in any way. He wasn't, given his mortal age. To be honest, his health and physical strength were in a very good place. But, Wu Xie as he was now, was not the same as the Wu Xie of over twenty years ago. That was made even more obvious, seeing that Xiaoge was still young for one of Qilin blood. He was continuing to improve and become stronger, even as his lover grew weaker.
Even Zhang Haike had mentioned this very thing. That being among mortals, being attached to them, would make him realize how fleeting their time on earth was. If he continued to hold onto the relationships he had with those of normal blood…
"You will only be able to stand by, watch as they die one by one. Better to leave now, come home with me, than allow yourself to suffer their loss."
Xioage knew he couldn't say Zhang Haike was wrong. He wasn't. He had honestly considered his words because despite the man being a tricky asshole, Xiaoge knew he was only watching out for him. So, he had thought over the implications of staying with Wu Xie - how maybe he should leave and go to Hong Kong with the few Zhang members that remained. They would take care of him. Have long lives, like him, and he wouldn't have to worry.
But, it just felt so wrong.
Xiaoge couldn’t imagine waking up in the morning and not having Wu Xie asleep beside him, curling around him like an octopus. He didn't want to sit down at the table, and not hear Pangzi in the kitchen singing along to the radio as he made Xiaoge's favorite meals. Couldn't imagine being anywhere Wu Xie wasn’t, knowing he would no longer be able to protect the silly man he loved more than anything, from himself.
It wouldn't be wrong for him to leave, given the circumstances. But, the more he considered it - the more Wu Xie had raised his hackles and growled out that Xiaoge was his family, and he would be the one to take care of him… The more he knew staying was the only logical decision he could make. Xiaoge knew Zhang Haike didn't like the decision and had said, more than once, he was only hurting himself.
But, he didn't care. This was his life, and his decision to make.
Being Zhang Qiling wasn’t who he was, not any longer. That title wasn't needed, and he'd never truly wanted it in the first place. He liked being Xiaoge. He liked being Wu Xie's Xiaoge. It fit him better than Zhang Qiling ever had. It made him feel more comfortable in his own skin, and if anything in his life had ever made sense - it was this. This life being Xiaoge, and living with Wu Xie, with Pangzi in this little village in a small valley. How could he give that up?
He didn't care how much it might hurt him, to watch those he loved pass away. It would hurt even more to let Wu Xie go, to just walk away from him as if he didn't matter.
"Xiaoge?" He blinked, looking back toward Wu Xie as he called his name. His lover looked concerned, and he wondered if he'd missed something. "Are you okay? I was talking to you and you seemed like you were lost."
"I'm fine." Xiaoge sighed, rubbing the towel over his face. He needed to be here in the present, not thinking about a future that was years off.
"Okay," but he didn’t seem convinced. "Anyway, as I was saying, you could always take up Zhang Haike on his offer, then."
His eyes widened, head jerking back to look at Wu Xie. Did he want him to leave? Is that what he was trying to tell him? Was it too hard for Wu Xie to sit here, day after day, as he aged and Xiaoge didn’t? Had he been hurting Wu Xie this whole time, and hadn't even realized it?
Xiaoge swallowed, his throat feeling dry as he spoke. "Why… would I leave you?"
Again, there was a flash of confusion on Wu Xie’s face. "Wait, what? No," the look changed from confusion to concern, " oh, no. No… Xiaoge that isn't what I am saying. Were you listening to me?"
He hadn’t been, so Xiaoge shook his head.
Wu Xie let out a sigh, reaching up as his hands cupped his face to make Xiaoge look at him. It reminded him of the time he'd lost his memories before they had left for Banai. His hands had been warm, and gentle, and Xiaoge knew instinctively this was a man he could trust with his life.
"Xiaoge, do you remember me?"
How could he have forgotten… it was a silly question the moment it had left his lips.
"Wu Xie."
His lover smiled. A big, warm, and gentle smile that was only meant for Xiaoge. "I said, maybe it's better for you to go to Hong Kong when I am gone." His thumbs caressed Xiaoge’s cheeks as he spoke, his voice soft with love and concern. "As much as I dislike Zhang Haike as a person, he does want to protect you. I think you would be safe there, and if you ever lose your memories again, I trust him to remind you." The smile grew, taking on a bit of amusement. "He even said he'd make sure you remembered me."
"You both have spoken of this?" His words came out slowly, trying to process that information. Wu Xie and Zhang Haike tended to aggravate one another, and snap at each other, more than have actual discussions. Or, at least, that is what he'd thought.
But, Wu Xie’s nod proved otherwise. "I know it's surprising, but we do share one similarity." He said, letting out a huff of amusement. "You. We both care about you. Both of us want what's best for you. Xiaoge, I'm not going to live forever."
"I know."
"I won't even live close to how long you might live."
"I know, Wu Xie."
He nodded. "Then, you know I don't want you to be alone. Not again. Never again."
Xiaoge’s eyes dropped. "I know."
"Which is why I want you to go to Hong Kong with Zhang Haike." He said, thumbs still caressing his cheeks. "I can't die knowing that you're not being taken care of by someone. I'm sure I could trust Liu Sang or Xiao Bai, but even they won't live forever. I need to know you're safe, with family."
Again, Xiaoge nodded. "I know."
For some reason, that made Wu Xie chuckle. Xiaoge’s eyes strayed up to look at him again. "You seem to know a lot, and are taking this a lot better than I thought you would."
Tilting his head, Xiaoge watched Wu Xie for a moment. "How did you think I would react?"
Finally pulling his hands away, Wu Xie shrugged and leaned back against the wall. "I don't know." He seemed to consider the question for a moment. "Maybe go into your normal, you're my one connection in this world. I don't need anyone but you. Then you would decide you're better off on your own, and go back to wandering aimlessly once I am gone." He gave Xiaoge a look, almost like he was silently scolding him. "Which, I don't want you to say or do, by the way."
"Wu Xie, it doesn't matter." He whispered once again, folding his hands together as he looked down at the stone floor of the courtyard.
"It does."
"No, it really doesn't."
He heard his lover let out a breath as if he was willing himself to have patience. Which was a bit amusing, since it was usually Xiaoge hoping to have patience with him, instead.
"You keep saying it doesn't matter, but it does. It obviously does, and that's why I'm sitting here having this conversation with you in the first place. It matters, Xiaoge, it matters to me."
"Because it matters to you, it should matter to me?" He asked, already knowing what Wu Xie would say.
"Yes!"
Predictable, as always. Letting out a long breath, Xiaoge pushed himself back to lean against the wall and pressed his shoulder to his, meeting Wu Xie’s eyes. "Did you think of asking what I want?"
He stuttered, eyes widening. "I…"
"Did you ask if I already had a plan in place?" He then said, cutting Wu Xie off before he could speak. "You keep saying what you want. What I should do that would make you happy. But, did you think of asking me what I want?"
Wu Xie swallowed thickly. "What do you want?"
"You." The word was soft, tender. "Always, you. Only you." He watched as a blush rose on Wu Xie’s cheeks. "I meant what I said all those years ago, that has never changed. You are my only connection, my reason for living. For breathing."
"I know." He whispered, their roles now reversed.
"I appreciate you always wanting what's best for me, wanting me to be happy. But, Wu Xie, how can I be happy in a world you no longer exist in? Without a connection, what point is there in this world?"
"But, there is no way I can live as long as you." Xiaoge nodded, he knew this. "So, you will end up alone unless you…" Suddenly it clicked, and Xiaoge could see the shock and confusion, but also his understanding. "You never expected to keep going on once I was gone."
He shook his head. "I made the decision a long time ago. When you follow me up Changbai Mountain, so determined to give up ten years of your life for my sake. After we made it there, and I watched you sleeping, I knew you were the end of me. The end… for me. How could I let you enter that gate after everything you had done for me? How could I live in a world where you weren't?"
"Xiaoge…"
"I couldn’t imagine spending ten years on this planet without you back then. So, how can you ask me to spend hundreds of years alone when you are gone?"
"I just, I thought," he swallowed, "you were fine without me before."
"Before, Wu Xie." He sighed, taking his hand in his own and squeezing. "That was before I knew what it was to be taken care of. Before I knew what it was to love and to be loved." He threaded their fingers together after a moment and looked back up at him. "I know you want what's best for me, but please… Don't ask me to just accept that you're gone and move on without you."
"I…"
"Wu Xie, how many times do I need to say that you are the end for me? An end I'll be happy to embrace because I know it means we will be reunited once again."
"You're sure?" He sounded so uncertain, as if he wasn't worth this level of commitment. This level of love.
"You are the only thing in this world I am certain of, Wu Xie." He breathed out, his eyes dropping. "Just, let me do this."
Wu Xie was quiet for some time, and Xiaoge couldn’t bring himself to look up at him. What if he didn't want this? What if he'd only upset Wu Xie? This was why he was hoping this conversation wouldn't come up. Or, it would have been brought up much later in Wu Xie’s lifetime. He'd been fearing this exact scenario, scared if Wu Xie told him no - he would listen. End up alone, again.
"Okay."
He wasn't sure he'd head right, his eyes straying back up to look at Wu Xie. Xiaoge didn’t know what he expected to see, but there was a resolve there, acceptance. "Okay?"
"Yeah, okay." He smiled. "Let's stay together. Zhang Haike can go fuck himself."
Xiaoge sighed, but it was more out of amusement than anything. "Yes, let's stay together."
Wu Xie seemed to finally relax at those words, and Xiaoge couldn't help but follow as he leaned more into his warmer body. "It's funny. I've always felt the same. That, you know, this was it. This was as good as it got, you and me. So, I understand, because you're it for me too, Xiaoge. The end of the line for me."
"I know." His lover arched a brow. "You're easy to read, Wu Xie. I knew there was something more there the moment I met you."
"Oh… my god… are you serious?!" He nodded, and Wu Xie looked embarrassed. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I didn't understand at the time," he muttered. "Emotions weren't something I did. But, being with you, spending time with you? I learned to care again, love again, want again."
"Ah, and it came to a head when we went up to Changbai Mountain. Which is why…"
It made sense.
"Yes, and that's when I realized I had cared for you from the moment I saw you, too. It's why I wanted to protect you, stay close to you."
"I understand," he finally said a moment later. "Thank you, Xiaoge, for everything."
He nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Mm, thank you."
Yes… Wu Xie was fine. Xiaoge was fine, as well.
At least, that is what they told themselves.
They were fine.
Except they weren't… not always.
But, together they were always stronger. These issues would never magically go away. There was no quick fix. It would take time and patience. But they had each other, a support system that would never fail them - a family that would never fail them.
They were bent, and maybe even a little broken, but they were together, and together they could work through anything.