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Of Soul and Self

Summary:

"Boy in blue, how have you lost your golden hue?"

Akira knew a lot of things he wasn't supposed to. He knew there was an extinction level threat to humanity gaining strength and planning its downfall. He knew that this threat, in some manner which he'd forgotten, had cheated and now his aid was needed more than ever. He knew that despite the cruelty and unkindness of the world, with the bonds forged between individuals any challenge was surmountable. Finally, he knew that compared to everyone else in the world, somehow he was Wrong. It is after all why he could say he knew all these strange things with absolute certainty. He was human. Yet he wasn't. The one thing he didn't know; what he was.

Not until being enough of a Flight Risk finally managed to land him in Tokyo.

Chapter Text

Akira's first lucid memory, or at least the first he could actually recall, was of fear. It was something that had followed him ever since. 

The full scope of Akira's first memory was waking up on the side of the street in a small town, being utterly terrified of who knows what and carrying a soul deep sense of pain and longing. Something inside of him had ached with a sense of Loss. Like someone had taken a dull knife and hacked away a piece of himself. A sensation all the further supported by the fact he knew he had more memories before that, but all of them felt fuzzy and intangible, he knew they were there but there was no sense of recall. 

He sighed, coming back to the present. The fifth heavy, bone deep kind of sigh in the last half hour, but who was counting? He readjusted the bag slung across his shoulder, the one currently carrying the weight of all his worldly possessions. There he was, simply sitting down on the empty couch in the half barren living room he'd soon be leaving behind. He idly slipped his hand into the hidden side pocket of the bag, allowing his fingers to touch across cool paper like a safety blanket. He'd done everything in his power to make sure no one could find that pocket without his help, and he never let the little tote bag out of his sight. Unzipping the pocket fully would allow him to pull out a medium sized blue book with a bold V on the cover. The book should have been larger considering his size and age, or perhaps the more accurate assessment is that Akira himself should have been smaller. It was a book that was made for younger hands. Hands that were supposed to stay small and delicate for decades, yet those same hands had grown.

He was eight in that first memory of his. Now he was thirteen, rather close to fourteen. His hands were still small, but against the book cover, they felt larger than they were supposed to be. 

Full of too much restless energy, he pulled open the pocket and grabbed out the book. Flipping to the first page revealed the inside cover, something that sent a sensation of soothing calm through his frazzled nerves. In a swooping yet delicate scrawl was a single word. William. He felt the name resonate in his soul in the way only a being like himself could. Gently he traced a finger over the long dried ink, the sensation of longing making his chest feel a little more hollow.  Dare he say the core of his very being was reaching out for something, but it was a something that'd been severed a long time ago. Right below the name, what was supposed to be his name, was a beautifully printed golden butterfly that looked almost as though it'd been hand drawn. By a different hand than the one that'd signed the name into the cover. Two different people but the emotions he could sense was similar. A feeling of loving fondness, of gentle hands and warm words that weren't always the most straight forward. 

His whole being ached. 

William was supposed to be his name. So was Akira though. It'd been gifted to him second, but it was still his, granted by someone just as important to him as the person who'd titled him William. His surname wasn't though. Kurusu wasn't his.

He flipped to the next page. His teeth found his bottom lip as he gazed upon the following pages, flipping through them with a force that would have ripped a regular book. They were all blank, eerily terribly blank. Yet there was something there. They emanated a something that Akira couldn't see and it'd been driving him mad for the last year. He knew he'd been able to see what was written on these pages once upon a time. Heck, that first year after he'd gained his first memory he'd been able to read it. He could remember going through it page by page with gentle fingers, reading off names to himself that he couldn't remember anymore. With time came something he wasn't supposed to experience like other people. Change.

The first month of this new life of his had been spent in a small town named, Inaba with a woman he couldn't remember the name of but remember that she'd treated him gently and spoke bitterly of some kind of crime that'd been committed against him. She had been different, but familiar, a friend. Not identical, but a creature that'd once shared some of his likeness. 

The second month someone realized that Akira didn't Belong and they'd called social services. The boy with the silver hair and the strangely familiar demeanor tried to help but it hadn't worked. Or maybe, maybe it might have, but Akira had gotten scared. So he ran, because that's all he knew how to do. Akira was small though and lacking the innate power that should have been there. Social Services obviously caught him and four months into his life he was sent to his first foster home. First of many. The title "Flight Risk" is one he'd earned very early on and it'd never left, much like the hollowing ache and the acidic flavor of fear. He didn't know what house he was on now. He'd lost count.

Nerves sufficiently soothed, he put the book away in its proper spot before standing up and walking towards the window of the house. For just a moment he caught sight of his own reflection and had to suppress a flinch. This was his face, but it wasn't his hair, wasn't his eyes. He couldn't fully remember what he was supposed to look like, but this wasn't it. Hair like night and eyes a dulled gray. Akin to the older boy from Inaba, but just that little bit different. Probably because Akira's eyes were flatter. While the former shade of his eyes was lost to him, he could still remember his hair. He could still picture the tangled strands of white covering his head, a mirror image to- someone. He didn't know who. His hair had been wilder back then, like even it had been a living thing. It was still fluffed and curling now, but it felt weirdly tame. 

His hair started to change color first, days after he'd 'woken up' so to speak. Next was his eyes. The changes had been incremental at first, but piece by piece he started to loose and loose and loose until he was holding onto the strings of who he was, who he was supposed to be. He knew that, the same way he knew he had to get somewhere special soon and that there was someone out there who needed him to be there for them.

Knowing didn't make it any easier. Not when he hardly understood how to get himself back if there was any of him left to begin with. 

"Kurusu-kun, it's time," a voice said. A man and a woman stood in the door way while Akira's gaze turned away from the window. The woman was the foster parent he'd been living with for a time, dainty and proper with a face that made it feel like whatever you did she was always disapproving. The moment she realized Akira wouldn't be exactly who she wanted him to be, she couldn't get rid of him fast enough. On the other hand the man was a tired looking thing, bedraggled from both the pressure of a society that didn't care and a cacophony of children that cared too much. His social worker didn't wait for a response as he turned on his heels and made his way out of the house. Akira knew better at this point and he didn't hesitate to follow. The woman didn't so much as see him off. 

Together the pair got into an all too familiar car, slightly beat up and mediocre quality. He sat shotgun, keeping his bag firmly in his lap as his social worker started the car. Neither said a word. Nothing really needed to be said. His case worker had too many different responsibilities to be worrying about a single kid, and Akira didn't even know his name, there was no bond between them. 

He stared out the window hearing his social worker mutter something about a long drive, but he didn't bother closing his eyes this time. Sleep always came rough and when it did, it came with memories that left tears in his eyes for reasons he couldn't remember by the time he woke up. There were clues in those dreams but they always slipped through his fingers like water. He couldn't deal with that right now, so instead of closing his eyes, he zoned out and watched the scenery blur past all around him. At least until the restlessness kicked in. Sometimes depending on where his social worker took him Akira would get a sense of restlessness. It wasn't unease exactly, it was neither good nor bad, just a bone deep stirring that forced him to perk up and glance around. One that always without fail faded. 

Until it didn't. 

The restlessness only got worse and worse as they continued to drive, Akira only half processing one of the signs that indicated where they were going. The word Tokyo lit up something in the back of his brain, but he wasn't present enough to put a finger on what it was. He only half processed it when his social worker finally spoke. "I've got a couple different fosters lined up in Tokyo if the first doesn't take well. Just don't run away so far that you leave the city, okay?" The man tried to bargain with Akira like this was something that happened often, but Akira's thoughts were elsewhere. Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.

His breath stuttered in his throat as without warning something seemed to snap. 

It was like when you pulled a rubber band too far. Forcing it past its limits till finally it frayed and broke, the ends snapping back to hit you for daring to push it that far in the first place. It should have felt like an unpleasant sensation as the stinging pushback hit him. Instead, for the first time in years it felt like Akira could breathe. Another shuddering breathe he had to remind himself to take while a different part of his mind argued over why he even needed to breathe. The car slowed down as they got deeper and deeper into the rolling chaos of Tokyo. Akira's hands were shaking and he didn't know why. He needed to be somewhere, and he needed to be there now. Well, maybe not now, but soon, soon his brain was screaming as the subconscious itch got a little worse. He took another breath. Part of his brain smelled the scent of the stale car. A different part caught of a whiff of something Akira didn't have words for anymore

He didn't notice the car coming to a stop until the driver's side door was opening and slamming shut in quick succession. Akira scrambled out of the vehicle, tailing his caseworker. He didn't pay attention as the man knocked on the door of your small but average looking Tokyo apartment. The couple that opened the door seemed nice, but ambivalent, which was the best Akira could ask for really. He'd met a lot of fosters before. The nicer they were to the caseworker the meaner they tended to be to Akira, but these two weren't sugaring their words and cooing out pleasantries. They just seemed kind of airy as they welcomed Akira in, showed him his room, and laid out a couple basic ground rules regarding curfew, getting in trouble, etc. etc. You'll be attending so and so school, don't do this this or this, the regular stuff really. He'd had better but he'd also equally had far worse, this place had a bed and a roof which was enough for Akira. This couple, they weren't his family, they were never going to be his family, there was nothing there so the most he could ever ask for was amicability. 

They gave Akira one of those old pay as you go flip phones. Something he didn't know still existed. It got the job done well enough though. With a phone they gave him a key to the apartment and complete freedom to run wild as he saw fit, as long as he avoided trouble. So of course, the first thing that Akira did was go looking for trouble. 

Maybe not in those exact words, but as soon as the restraints were taken off he got out of the building and started wandering. The restless feeling in his chest was gone but it had been replaced by a persistent hum like some kind of purr almost. It sparked a familiarity he couldn't place his finger on. It felt like something was there but not quite tangible. Multiple somethings really. And if he just reached his hand out far enough he could grab it. He'd felt that before. He didn't reach out. He kept walking. He familiarized himself with his immediate surroundings, before he paused at the entrance to the subway system. 

He knew little about Tokyo but he knew the legendary berth of its subways. It wasn't the trains that called him as step by step he inched towards the underground. Then he took a step too far and it felt like falling. Not really, he didn't actually fall, but as he took a step forward the world tilted on its axis and he tilted with it, body shuddering with the strength of an unknown sensation that caused his breath to catch for a moment. It strangely felt good almost, in the way that stretching did when you first woke up. There was a clawing sensation that trailed up his spine but it wasn't a bad feeling as he finished making his way down the steps and realized just how off everything was. 

This was not the Tokyo subway station. 

Instead he came face to face with a dark world made of pulsating flesh. It carried an even stronger version of the smell he'd caught from the car. It was a strange smell. Petrichor and blood in a single breath, it smelled familiar and wrong, like a home he'd left for too long and he could catch the remnants of a person who didn't exist anymore still clinging to the sheets of a bed that stopped being his. Yet even with all that there was an undertone of something that welcomed him back. The scent of a perfume he couldn't name but knew had been important to someone he loved, the scent of sunshine and warm grass mixed with the barest hints of flowers. It smelled like home. It smelled like somewhere he'd never been. It smelled like the pages of his book. It smelled like where he was supposed to be. 

He took another dragging breath, trying to dissect the air piece by piece. There was something ugly and rotten on the air as well, but he could tell it wasn't a natural aroma, it was like someone else had dragged something down there and left it to spoil. The sounds were a similar quandary. He could hear whimpering, crying, train tracks, but underneath it all he could hear something that sounded like it actually belonged, an undercut melody that was supposed to be there but was drowning under the force of something else. Something that was Wrong. Not Wrong like him when stood next to a regular human being, something else entirely. Akira was Wrong but in a way that was still Right. Like a puzzle piece that'd gotten sorted into the wrong box. This feeling of pressure was something more obtuse, like a being that was never supposed to be in the first place, like a feeling given flesh and blood. 

Akira's head was reeling and he almost toppled over when all of his senses started taking in more information than he was used to. Sight, sound, hearing, touch, even taste were being overwhelmed by a cacophony of familiar unfamiliarity, even dare he say a sense he never knew existed was being flooded with information he was supposed to be able to absorb, but it was like trying to take in air when you had a bad cold. 

A couple steps back, that's what he needed, he lowered himself down so that he could sit against the stairs while he held his head between his knees and tried to acclimate to the feeling. A long time ago a teacher had told him that when you're sick it's not always the virus making you feel terrible. Your own immune system will hurt you, trying to flush whatever's wrong from your system before it could do something worse. The sensations Akira was going through could be described as that. Like a sudden onset illness that his body was desperately trying to fight against. He felt as though he was the loosing participant. 

The onslaught didn't stop, he just, had to kind of get used to it as he finally brought himself back to a standing position and looked around a little more. There was another set of stairs leading deeper into the darkness of this place, but what caught his attention was the door. The locked door, the unfriendly door, the bright blue door, the door that wasn't supposed to be there, the door that he felt the urge to rip over and bare his teeth at because it was supposed to be his door-

Just as quickly as the suddenly feeling of anger and indignation arrived it left, leaving Akira just as hollow as he'd been before it arrived. Looking at the door made him angry and sad all at once, but it didn't cause the intense rush of emotions that it first brought on. It just made the hollow feeling worse really. 

A part of him said that he should head back. He didn't belong here. This wasn't a place for him. A different part of him never wanted to leave, the silken strands of something torn asunder weakly trying to stretch out and bridge a gap that was already too large to fix. Akira belonged behind that door. He also didn't. Whatever he'd lost behind that door was gone now, and it'd never be back exactly as it'd been before. He knew that. He grieved. 

Turning away from the door was his best option. It was okay, it was going to be okay, he'd make it okay. Even if nothing was actually okay. For a moment it was just him and this world.

At least until he heard footsteps shooting upwards at an eerily quick pace.

He tried to glance towards the stairs that led deeper into the darkness but he didn't get the chance really. Whoever was coming up those stairs was a lot faster than Akira was and before he knew it, there was another body colliding with his own Terrifyingly powerful arms coiled around him and pulled him close. Akira yelped but couldn't see the face that was suddenly tucked into his hair, he could only hear the wordless mutters of a voice that made him hurt all over again. His vision was suddenly blue and nothing but, and despite himself like it was some kind of instinct his fingers looped through blue fabric and clung to them like a lifeline. 

His memories were gone, but he'd always felt his emotions deeper than his siblings the other people around him. Even with the memories gone his feelings had lingered long after. They rose up again like a tidal wave, similar to the sudden onset upon seeing the door. The door had filled him with anger. These arms were something else entirely. Relief, comfort, a destructive kind of joy that smashed against his insides and threatened to evoke the tears he'd strangled after his third foster home led to him finally giving up. Given up on what he couldn't say, but unlike with the door the emotions that suddenly surged forward didn't disappear. His nails dug into the fabric and the only response he got was more soothing mutters, one of the hands wrapped around him temporarily freed itself to card through his hair and there was a sensation of overwhelming guilt when they caught against the thick sooty tangles. He was once against reminded of the Wrongness that seemed to follow like his shadow. He was sick all the way down to his stomach for a moment, and he couldn't begin to understand why he felt like a disappointment, like something raw and ugly and broken, but even those utterances of self loathing almost seemed mute when compared to the sheer weight of his soul deep relief. 

"William," was the first word he finally heard from the strange-but-not-a-stranger. His voice caught in his throat for a moment as he looked up. She was taller than him, hair a soft white that reminded him of what his hair used to be and her eyes a piercing kind of yellow-gold that peered straight past his skin and down into the roots of his soul. "I thought we lost you," she whispered as she placed a hand against Akira's cheek, like he was something precious that hadn't been properly protected. 

"I don't know- don't remember- who are-?" He kept cutting himself off as he stared up at her. The expression of relief broke into something a bit more pained. He almost thought he saw a hint of shame which struck him as strange. That wasn't an emotion this person was supposed to feel.

"No, no of course you don't," she said, voice cracking slightly. His resolve against his tears slightly wavered. "I wouldn't be surprised those kinds of memories have been languishing. These kinds of things never really leave us though. The presence of a bond once forged never truly fades. Can you close you eyes from me William, and try?" She asked. Her voice almost sounded pleading and Akira didn't know why, but he trusted her for some reason, so he closed his eyes.

There was a maelstrom of thoughts sitting at the tip of his tongue. Megidoloan, weird, middle child of velvet, the bully twin, guest, dark hour, death, nyx, abandonment. Sister. His eyes immediately shot back open, a full body shudder running its course through him. "Liz?" He asked tentatively even though he already knew the answer. Elizabeth's face, the face of one of his older sisters, broke into a smile that ached of relief. 

"That's right, I'm here, I'm here William," she said, pulling him close again like she was muttering prayers. The desperation in her grip was matched only by the desperation in Akira's own chest.

All his siblings were strange, he could remember that now, but Elizabeth had always been the strangest of the lot. To hear her voice cracking with emotions and to feel the shiver of her hands was like a bucket of ice water dumped over his head. It was the kind of greeting he could expect from the second youngest next to himself, but never Liz. It was also terrifying, realizing that he could remember his other siblings but not their names or faces, only loose feelings and memories of what had made them them

"It hurts, why can't I remember? Why did I forget?" He whispered quietly into the soft fabric of her dress, hands shaking.

Elizabeth's expression was still somber as she pulled away for a moment, tilting Akira's head up to look directly into his eyes. "That is a long story, not to mention a painful one. Dear brother, our entire family has been hurt by recent events, but none so dramatically as you it seems," she said, once again running her fingers against hair that was wrong and he finally started to understand the guilt and disgust he felt for his hair and his eyes. He shivered slightly against the touch and Elizabeth dropped the lock of hair she'd been playing with like it'd burned her. She saw the mix of expressions run across his face, but couldn't decipher them. After all, Elizabeth wasn't human. 

His own fatigue finally caught up with him and he sagged. "We should leave the metaverse for now. There are better places to converse and you look tired," she said. Akira happily took the olive branch, nodding sleepily. When they left the Metaverse it wasn't quite night but Akira could tell the sun was starting to go down. He really shouldn't get in trouble with his new fosters this early, but, he couldn't deny the feeling that Elizabeth and her story were a million times more important than whatever punishment he'd get. 

"Alright, where now?" He asked, looking towards Elizabeth and for a moment he felt safe. Almost like a kid again, toddling after his older sisters because their world was small but they knew more about the world outside of it than Akira had. 

"This way, follow me," Elizabeth, always the type to march to her own beat, was more than happy to take the offered lead. 

Chapter Text

Even as they were leaving the metaverse, there was a piece of Akira that desperately didn't want to go. The only thing soothing the undeniable ache was the presence of Elizabeth at his side. The pair found their way to a local restaurant, smushing themselves into a booth in the very back and avoiding melding into the background environment in a way that should not have been possible, but came naturally to those like Elizabeth... Those like Akira.

There was something equal parts familiar and jarring in the way that Elizabeth looked at the menu, a disconnect between her and the world around her that made it all too obvious she was an outsider of sorts looking in. He could recall now the day that Elizabeth had left the Velvet Room, as well as her reason why. She'd left to save her guest, and at the time Akira had grieved and been upset like the rest of his siblings. After having been exposed to humanity, steeped in it in a way that not even Elizabeth herself had experienced, he couldn't particularly fault her for it. He might have even done the same. 

That was where the similarities between the two ended. He'd thought after so long outside the Velvet Room they'd be a little more alike. Elizabeth was still herself though, something that had been born and more importantly raised outside the typical reach of human hands. She wasn't human, plain and simple, she was an Other but in a way that made sense for where she belonged. Akira was something else entirely. When he'd first woken up in Inaba, short on memories and still truly a denizen of That Room, he was certain that he'd been like Elizabeth in his mannerisms. Or at least something close, given his tendency to sneak out on his own when he was younger. Years later here he was, ordering fluidly and acting like he belonged as much as any other kid in his age group could. 

On the surface at least. 

Extended periods of time spent alone with Akira tore the façade apart, exposed all the pieces of him that were just a little too off in ways you couldn't put your finger on. The outlandish quirks and bits of him that ended up getting him moved from one foster to the next so quickly. It's part of why he didn't mind moving as much as he did, it's not like he had any friends anyway. But his mask was a better put together facsimile than Elizabeth's was. Did she even have money to pay for the food? Akira didn't. It wouldn't be his first dine and dash... 

It was probably for the best they only ended up with drinks, Akira ultimately ordering for the both of them. A random soda for himself and a coffee for Elizabeth, since things like caffeine or alcohol wouldn't actually affect her and she was curious about the taste. Despite the extreme emotions present during their reunion, Elizabeth had seemingly returned to normal. Or, at least, what constituted as normal for Elizabeth. She returned to her default might be a more apt description. 

The two sat for a couple of moments, simply enjoying the silence and the presence of one another, before Elizabeth started the conversation Akira was half dreading. "As I said, this story is going to be a long one. Not to mention a painful one." Elizabeth said. Despite having only a scant few memories the twist in Akira's chest told him all he needed to know. "So, to begin with, I'd like to know how much you remember." 

Akira idled slightly, using his straw to stir his drink. "I know for certain I used to remember more," that was as good a starting place as any he thought, trying to carefully puzzle through the fragments that were still left behind. "A good chunk came back when I saw you for the first time. Still, I know there's a lot I don't have anymore. My first real, solid memory before seeing you earlier had been waking up in Inaba on the side of a street. I know my hair and eyes used to look like yours. A nice lady who recognized me took care of me for a while, knew my name and everything. I think she was called Marie? I know she was important, but then someone realized that I didn't belong and they called child protective services." He said, watching the name of the organization completely go over Elizabeth's head. He decided it was better not to press. "I stayed with a lot of different people. Then over time my eyes and hair ended up like this. I still knew my name. I know it's William. But they didn't believe me. Since it's also my name I started using Akira. I know it belongs to me, it's supposed to be mine in the same way William is, they didn't force it on me. I know the last name they gave me isn't mine though. I'm not supposed to have-" he cut himself off making a sour expression and Elizabeth nodded in what seemed like understanding. 

"That is correct. You are William. We who attend the Velvet Room and our guests have no need for last names. Though, usually we do not have any kind of secondary names. For you to have recognized the name Akira as a piece of you, it must have been gifted to you by someone truly precious, though I couldn't say who since it wasn't a name the rest of us ever knew you by," Elizabeth's mouth quirked downward at the corners slightly in the barest hint of a frown, but the expression was gone almost immediately. There was something she wasn't saying, and Akira didn't know if it was to protect him or herself. 

"Right. No one believed me though. For a while I thought I was going crazy because my memories just got harder and harder to grasp. If I didn't have my book I probably wouldn't have believed these memories were ever real," he confessed. He knew that book to be a mark of importance and pride, just as he knew all of his siblings to possess their own versions with varying different Persona to aid their guests. Even if the pages look blank, they didn't feel blank, and that conviction was enough to convince him he wasn't just going mad. 

"Your book?" Elizabeth asked, excitement sparking in her gaze. Her smile turned just that little bit more feral, the little bit less human, sparking a similar sense of excitement down Akira's own spine. It was an expression he himself could still make, and one he'd worn often no matter how many times he was chided for it. It was the kind of grin shared only between the two most chaotic Velvet Siblings, and it made something long since ignored blossom in his chest. 

"My book! Of Personas!" He only now remembered that's what was supposed to be on the pages, but that was okay because for once it was progress forward instead of backwards. "The dark blue one with V on the cover and my name written on the inside of it," Akira said, watching how Elizabeth's expression turned to one of delight. 

"Oh my, to still have your Compendium even now! How joyful! All those who can claim to be Rulers of Power are gifted their Compendiums upon their creation by our master. Each one is unique, one of a kind just like us attendants. A Compendium cannot under any circumstances be wielded by anyone but its rightful owner, not even our master himself can use them. The fact that you still have yours is a wonderful sign and cause for great celebration!" She said, clapping her hands together. 

"I can't read it anymore though," He groaned, a little bit of frustration leaking back into his tone when he remember this. He tried not to direct it at Elizabeth, but it was hard when the only other target he had was himself. "My hair is the wrong color, my eyes are the wrong color, and I can't even read my own Compendium anymore. I have no idea what's going on, I know there's a massive gap in my memory, and I only just remember you!" His breaking spiked painfully, the prickle of tears bursting into existence in the corners of his his eyes. His understanding of concepts like the Velvet Room which used to be intrinsic were fuzzy and fractured, his control over the Persona that lingered in the pages of his Compendium entirely absent. This is not how he was supposed to be. "Liz... Am I broken?" He asked, looking to his older sister for guidance, for protection, for love, desperately searching for all the things that'd been missing ever since he lost his home. Elizabeth's expression in turn was painfully blank as she seemed to think on this question for a moment. 

"In a sense, yes," she said after some deliberation. It was more than Akira had ever needed to know. 

The singular sentence crashed down on his shoulders with the weight of a guillotine. Broken, he was broken, and he'd always kind of known it but to hear those words from his sister's mouth felt like a physical blow and hurt worse than any attack he could have taken. Every piece of him recoiled for a moment, suddenly and painfully aware of each jagged edge, all too conscious of the sensation in his chest akin to a snapped string. The very same that had been all too desperately reaching out when he entered, or more accurately reentered, the metaverse. Akira was small though, and all too terribly human. It was always going to be beyond him to reach. The string, more like a rubber band, reeled back with a soul deep ache. 

Oblivious to Akira's internal struggle, because the children of Velvet were never meant to be human, Elizabeth bluntly continued on. "It isn't fair to lie to you. Right now, in the state that you're in, you are no longer an Attendant. Neither are you completely human though. I can still see the roots of  the Velvet Room in your being, if I couldn't then I never would have been able to recognize you as I had. Faint and withered as they are, this is no fault of your own. Someone else took your connection to our home, and they severed it," she hissed, a bit of anger leaking into her voice. The words didn't make Akira feel much better. He was still Broken, and Broken things are rather useless. He didn't know what it meant to be an Attendant anymore, but he could feel a piece of him die under the recognition of it being a task that was integral to who he was. And a task he could no longer perform. 

"Tell me what happened," he said, expression turning stormy. While he could remember bits and pieces of life inside the Velvet Room, he could not for the life of himself remember what had caused this great wrongness that ended in him leaving it. 

"I couldn't begin to recite the full story, as I wasn't present at the time, but I am aware of the broader strokes. Something terrible and powerful took over the Velvet Room," their home a piece of him that'd been asleep until now supplied. Maybe the sudden resurgence of memories were making the mix of emotions in his chest worse. "It happened a fair while after I left, but only a short while after our eldest sister's most recent guest had finished his journey and obtained the World. While switching guests, the room often comes to a lull, shapeless without a heart to reflect and directionless without a cause. Both the room and our master are at their weakest during this time. The malevolence took advantage of this lull to usurp our master. I know loosely that our siblings attempted to escape, as I can remember their existences reaching out towards mine for help. However, given their absence, it appears they were unsuccessful." Elizabeth's expression took on a mournful quality, something he knew for a fact he'd only ever seen on her face once the day she was leaving. 

"You're certain none of them got out?" He asked, his voice tinged with a hint of desperation. The faces and names might escape him, but the emotions didn't. Their Bonds something deep in his being hummed pleasantly. Even without faces or name, there was a certain sureness in the love he knew all of the Velvet Siblings had shared, even if that love hadn't looked Human it had been no less potent. And perhaps there was a comfort in that as well. He'd learned how to love like a human, but it hadn't ruined his ability to love like an Attendant would. 

Elizabeth shook her head, expression telling him he wasn't the only one who had loved their siblings immensely. "You are the first I've found, and with your presence so very faint. If any of the others had managed to escape, then you or I would have been drawn to them long before we crossed paths under these circumstances. Not even mentioning how if any of them escaped, their first task would have been to find and protect you." There was a sureness in her words tinged by grief and regret, and Akira wasn't sure if he liked the way her gaze felt almost pitying. "It's likely they knew they'd be unable to escape. So they did they only thing they were certain they could, and instead sought to save you." Elizabeth's words were a simple statement of fact. The sun rises, rain falls, and the other Attendants would save Akira if they couldn't save themselves. Would save him over themselves, a piece of him supplied, the sharpened edges of a memory brushing against his thoughts hard enough to draw a whimper. 

"Why though? And why am I like this while you're," he paused for a moment, gesturing to all of Elizabeth and hoping she'd figure it out herself. Apparently she did, as she continued without any more prompting. 

"You are the youngest, our littlest brother. While not being humans ourselves, we Attendants learn bits and pieces of what it means to be human over time from our guests. It is something that is meant to happen, just as humans learn and age so do we at a much slower pace. We learn so that we may become even more outstanding Attendants and help our guests, and because to be truly stagnant is not a curse our master would ever willingly give. Love is not something innate," though Akira would strongly disagree, "but it is something we no doubt learn. You were, probably still are, the youngest. I can't answer for the others, but I can make a guess based off what I would have done. Knowing the harm the malevolence could have done, I would have laid down my life to save and protect you," she said, like she wasn't talking to something she'd just admitted was broken, like there was still some form of worth left in her eyes. His shattered pieces rubbed against each other and rattled in his chest as he tried not to cry. "Unfortunately, this was a double edged blade. The only way to save you would be the push you out of the Velvet Room, and with how little you are, that is what shattered you to begin with."

Akira had already started bracing himself when Elizabeth started to snake one hand across the table. He took it quietly. He wasn't sure who had the tighter grip. "When we were first created, we are made by our master with an innate connection to something known as the Sea of Souls. The root of all Humanity. The thing from which all comes and all one day returns. This connection is what allows us to do our jobs, both something that is a Piece of humanity and yet entirely Other. This connection allows us to reach into that sea and pull out the reflections of humanity necessary to aid our guests. It is also something that protects us. The raw, untampered energy of the Sea is ironically what keeps us ourselves from becoming fully human. When we're very young that connection is weak, so we must remain in the Velvet Room under the care of our master as well as His Master. They, as well as the room itself, are what help secure this connection. In a sense, the room acts as a Proxy for our connection to the Sea, providing a link that while strong does not risk destroying us and all that we are. When I left I was old enough to maintain that connection myself, it had fully solidified and was much too strong to sever even without direct access to the Velvet Room. Even with it taken over the Velvet Room in and of itself is a thing, living and writhing, that cannot be controlled by a simple fake. Part of it will always help we the children of that realm, and as such, even now it still acts as a proxy to the Sea. While I can no longer summon Personas it maintains my connection to both that Humanity and that Otherness. On the other end of things, you left the Velvet Room as its youngest member in a fit of desperation with the weakest connection. While it took time for the full repercussions to present themselves, given your age it is likely the moment you was cast our by our siblings the connection was snapped, and in finding yourself on the human end of things it is the Humanity you maintained a connection to. Had you ended up in the realm of shadows you would have only had a connection to that Otherness and no link to Humanity, and therefore there's no telling what you might have become. As painful as it is, to rob you of a piece of yourself, this was the safest option." 

"Then maybe I should have stayed, at least then I would have still been me!" Akira yanked his hand away, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. A fresh wave of pain curled around his chest, the kind of pain that'd lingered when he first woke up in Inaba. Elizabeth's eyes were still so gentle as she took Akira's hand back into hers. It was the first time someone had treated him like a child without making it feel patronizing, and he was acutely aware of the fact that even with this connection shattered Elizabeth was the first person beside the woman who'd found him to see Akira for what he really was. 

"Dear William, I'm sorry. Without Master Igor or Master Philemon, the room would not have been able to sustain that connection anyway with how little you are. It would have snapped regardless, but in such a event you also would have been trapped there. Remaining the same had never been an option to begin with." Something resonated with that phrase, an understanding that went deeper than he could put into words, but Akira couldn't help pushing that realization far away. "The choices were between you being somewhere you might have still been able to survive and have a happy life, or being trapped somewhere that would have inevitably led to your death. Being here, among humans, had helped fill in the gaps which would have caused you to fade away into true Nothing. Here you might be neither, but there's also pieces of you that even now remain both. In the Velvet Room, you would have simply withered." Elizabeth paused for a moment, almost seeming to hesitate. 

"What would have happened if I stayed there Liz?" Akira didn't want to know, but he had to. He at least needed this little bit of reassurance that out of all their options, his siblings had picked the best one possible. Even if it was only best by merit of being least worst. 

"There are two distinct options. The first is that you would have simply started to fade away. With connections to neither Humanity or the raw power of the Sea, you would have had nothing and as such would have become Nothing. While the Velvet Room itself would be able to continue sustaining our other siblings, it would not have been able to reach you at your age on its own. You'd simply slip away until you ceased to be, a fate that could not even be considered a death. This fate would have been the kinder of the two. Had you stayed, there was a chance the malevolence could take note of your fading being. And as such, given it had enough power to usurp our master, it could have fostered a connection for you and gone through the motions of keeping you alive. This connection would not be the pure untampered version provided by our master, one who wishes us to make our own decisions for better or worse, one who wishes us nothing but growth and happiness. It would be a connection tainted and colored by whatever emotions and thought this malevolence would want you to feel. The damage this kind of connection could have done would be as disastrous as they'd be irreversible." Elizabeth shuddered at the thought, and while neither knew what kind of being had taken control of the Velvet Room, Akira's mind couldn't help but linger on the word Control. 

He had a been a servant of the Velvet Room, something that filled him with pride even now. Under the hands of this creature he would have been a Slave. There was never going to be any going back to the kind of person he was before. But at least this version of him still had something that could be described as a self. Every instinct told him this is something the malevolence would have immediately had stripped, had Akira remained. 

He nodded quietly, chewing his lip. "I suppose... I would have probably chosen the same thing too," he said. If he'd been the older sibling, he'd had someone to protect, if he knew the worse case outcomes of each scenario, then yes. The path chosen for Akira was a painful one doubtlessly, but it's the one he would have chosen just as quickly himself. There was a difference between loosing a piece of yourself and being robbed of the whole thing. 

"As things stand now, your connection to the Sea is fading. Too much longer and you'll have become completely and utterly human," Elizabeth said, expression grim, before a spark lit up her expression. "However. That connection isn't completely gone yet. You found your way here, both to Tokyo and to the metaverse, which speaks loudly for the fact that a piece of you is still bound to this world. You are precisely where you need to be. And more importantly, you still have a bit of time. It will be more difficult no doubt, but if we're able to evict the usurper then there is a chance we can reestablish your place in the Velvet Room and undo any damage before it becomes lasting. 

Akira immediately perked up, the pain being replaced by a thrum of determination. "How long do we have?"

"At most? Three years, before the severance becomes too much to undo and you are left wholly human," she said. Alright. Three years. Three years if Akira ever wanted the chance of staying himself. He could do that. Right? 

He didn't think he could do this. 

The anxiety must have showed on his face because Elizabeth spoke back up, expression that little bit more gentle as she started to talk him through things. "I won't be able to remain with you throughout the entire process, but you won't be on your own either. After all, what is an Attendant without their Guest?" The question was purely hypothetical but Akira felt like he knew the answer. "Out there somewhere is a Wildcard, an individual with the limitless potential of the Fool. In the past, such threats as the one that took over the Velvet Room were handled by Wildcards and beat back into the depths of the Sea. Even the malevolence cannot prevent a Wildcard from entering the Velvet Room and utilizing its services. While you may not be able to act as a Full Attendant, if you are able to find your Wildcard, you still may be able to guide them towards the defeat of the malevolence and reclaiming our home." 

His Wildcard. Akira couldn't explain why he liked the sound of that. He knew, intrinsically, that Attendants did not just serve a single Wildcard and then retire, unless they were Elizabeth who was a unique case even among her kin. He'd been too little to ever have a guest of his own though. Until now. This Wildcard wasn't just a Wildcard, they were always supposed to be his. Even before the Velvet Room was taken over this was supposed to be his guest. His very first guest. It sent a small thrill of something possessive through him, as well a some degree of vindication. Regardless of the imposter's actions, this was still something he hadn't managed to steal. 

Elizabeth continued on after a moment of though. "There's a small chance you yourself may even be called to the current Velvet Room as a guest," she mused, earning a confused look from Akira. "The being who claimed our home is unlikely to recognize you as a denizen of the room in your current state, if possible at all. While powerful I wouldn't call it particularly educated, and there are some things that only become clear to those who belong to and work in that room. You toe the line between Human and Other in such a way a being like this may very well mistake you for another Wildcard instead of a lost Attendant." It was a little insulting, and the part of Akira he was coming to recognize as still being an Attendant in some fashion bristled at the unintended insult even if it hadn't happened yet, but he shushed that anger quickly when he thought about how beneficial it could be. It was after all true. Wildcards with their ability to change Personas walked between Human and Other, they simply approached it from the Human side of the equation. Akira in his current state wasn't much different, simply having approached things from the Other half. Attendants could use any Persona found in their Compendiums. If he was clever perhaps he could play this role, and be all the more help to his Wildcard. 

A piece of him that'd been restless for a long time, and oh he hadn't realized how long until now, finally seemed to settle down in that moment. All things within this room happen for a reason. The Attendant part of him practically purred as it settled into its rightful place, even if the shape had changed over time. 

"So all we have to do is guide my Wildcard to be strong enough to find whatever took over the Velvet Room and then defeat it, right?" He asked, like it was just that simple. To an Attendant perhaps it was.

"That's all you have to do," she corrected. He was completely oblivious to the fact Elizabeth was grinning at him based on how familiar his disgruntled pout was. "Attendants are not allowed to interfere with events, they must only guide and never attract too much attention. Even as distant as I am from the Velvet Room some rules do still apply to me. This rule, however, doesn't apply to you. The malevolence currently doesn't even know of my existence let alone yourself, and it's better he not find out the truth for as long as possible. The more helpless and human he thinks you and your guest, the better you can use his assumptions to your advantage. You will have to guide your Wildcard on your own. Fear not though. No matter how much has changed, you are still my precious little brother. You are still William. Human or otherwise, you will always be as much William as you are Akira, and never whatever dreadful last name was forced upon you. I know you will be able to guide your guest most marvelously. After all, your heart has never changed, it's how I found you." 

"What if I'm still not good enough though," he whispered. Elizabeth frowned slightly, as though the suggestion was simply unthinkable. 

"I don't believe that will be possible. You're you," she said with a strange type of conviction, but a familiar and reassuring one. Akira felt a little better now. At least, until he checked the time. 

"Oh no. I'm going to be in so much trouble," he said, thankfully at least not finding any messages on his cheap little flip phone. 

"Trouble? Whatever for?" Elizabeth asked, and without warning Akira was presented with the daunting task of explaining Child Protective Services to Elizabeth. Despite the fact that she left the Velvet Room to help her guest, Akira suddenly became acutely aware of the fact that she was still an Attendant and even outside the Velvet Room the areas she lingered were the less human ones. Which was all to say that Elizabeth had no context for how to actually be human, and probably wouldn't understand a single word of human rules or laws. 

"Uh. Okay. So, like, I'm little, right? You called me the youngest. Well, when a person is too little they need to be taken care of, they need someone to teach them about the world. Humans call those parents, but not every kid has one. So when people find a kid without a parent they're taken in by the government to help try and find them parents. Just, not all parents are good ones. I have a set of foster parents right now that might not be all that happy about me getting back super late," he tried to keep it as simple as possible but it was obvious from the blank stare Elizabeth wasn't remotely following. 

"Why ever do you need to go back to them though? I understand that young humans need caretakers but even if you are young by human standards you already have a caretaker! While I might not be able to interfere with your Wildcard I am still your sister and can most assuredly take care of you!" She said, like it was that simple. It probably would have been that simple, if Elizabeth legally existed. The primary goal of systems like these was to keep kids with their family, they'd be all too happy to throw Akira at his sister. But, again, Elizabeth was an Attendant, and had never taken the time necessary to exist legally. 

"That's great Liz but not how humans work," he could feel a headache coming on and suddenly he was assaulted by the memory of Elizabeth's guest desperately trying to explain something relatively normal to her and failing miserably. Except now Akira was the one trying to explain. This was such a weird end of the conversation to be on, but even back then he felt like he understood How To Human better than most of his siblings did. A snag of memory caught for a moment but he brushed it off, instead trying to focus on talking down Elizabeth. "There's like, legal stuff to go with it. We can't prove you're my sister, or even your age, and I don't think you have a job or a house so they'd consider you an unfit guardian and they'd try to take me and put me somewhere else."

Obviously, he realized his mistake as soon as the words left his mouth. The blood drained from his face as Elizabeth took what was a warning as a challenge. "They can try and take you, but they won't be able to," there was something dangerous in that gaze of hers and the human part of Akira knew it should be afraid, but what he now realized to be the Sea's influence swirled and caused him to preen at what was in reality a show of love and adoration. Attendants didn't show their love normally, but Akira could see it for what it was. The protective curl of her posture, it was enough, and Akira felt a rush of affection that could have very well knocked him off his feet if he was standing. He distantly realized that he showed affection the same way, even all this time later. Still. An angry Attendant let loose on the Japanese government would draw attention. A lot of attention.

"Yeah, but since I don't have the Velvet Room I've got to pretend to be human to meet my Wildcard, right? If we don't follow human rules that'll make it harder," Akira argued which got Elizabeth to backdown. She placed a finger against her chin for a moment, seeing the sense in Akira's argument. Even if the argument itself would only make sense to an Attendant. He didn't envy his sister's guest in the slightest and instead was just grateful he knew how to bridge the inherent communication barriers that came with speaking to an Attendant. 

"Very well," she said after a moment. He'd won. Temporarily. The expression she wore said this wasn't over. "You may return to these caretakers for the time being. However, this is not the end of the conversation! I will be looking into these guardianship 'rules'." A sentence that was equal parts promise and threatening coming from Liz. She'd need an entire fake identity to get custody of Akira and honestly he didn't know if she could pull it off or not. Honestly we was terrified either way. She stayed at the table for a bit longer soaking things in and Akira dipped out before the waitress could come back with the bill, as he still had no money and unlike Elizabeth he couldn't just say 'no' and walk away without consequences.

It was dark out when he left and darker still when he finally got back to his fosters. 

He'd be the first to admit it was a relief but also painful when he got there, sneaking in the front door without issues and heading to his room. 

They hadn't even noticed he was gone. 

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