Chapter Text
Junhyeon tightened the grip on Hiroto´s hands. The shorter had placed a hand on his cheek and leaned on to kiss him. It was warm, way too warm and overwhelmingly soft.
He could have avoided it, but he didn’t. He could blame the alcohol, he could even blame his kindness, but that would be a lie. He let Hiroto kiss him because he wanted to prove himself something. He wanted to know what it feels to be kissed by someone who is actually interested in you. So he did it and it was so insubstantial that he started to wondered if kissing would always be like that. But, then he remembered; kissing Gunwook was nothing like being kissed by Hiroto. Gunwook had felt hot on the lips, on the skin, Gunwook tasted like peppermint toothpaste and smell like lavender conditioner. Maybe was the alcohol that inhibited all the expected sensations with the Japanese. Yeah, that must be it.
He felt a bit guilty, though, he knew Hiroto wanted to hang out with him, he knew he was interested and willing to show him. So, next morning, when Junhyeon received a text from Hiroto asking him to meet, he said yes. They went to the movies and when Hiroto tried to hold his hand, he remembered the time Gunwook hold it through a horror movie he now can´t remember the name. Hiroto´s hand was soft and tiny, almost a girl-like; he was pretty, Junhyeon could easily admit that, he was short, Junhyeon thought that was cute; and when Hiroto asked him to take care and to write when he arrive home, he must admit it felt nice, too. It was good to have someone, he tried to stick to that thought. But he knew, that every single time the brown haired boy looked at him in the eye, those weren’t the eyes he wanted to look at.
“Do you even like him?”
Minseoung asked him one evening after practice, Junhyeon nodded and shrugged. Actually, he has been asking that same question since the Japanese and him started to hang out. It´s been a week and Junhyeon only could felt the guilt increase through the days, but it was good when he didn’t think too deep about it. Hiroto was a really good boy, he was caring and loving at his own way; he didn’t like being too touchy and wasn’t into public display of affection, but he was really attentive in private. Junhyeon was happy to have someone to explore his own dos and don’ts, though. The thing was, sometimes he felt as being with Hiroto was just discovering the don’ts, and the guilt creeped in again, because Hiroto was nice, and it wasn’t his fault not to be him.
***
“Did you guys knew that Kum Junhyeon is… well, that he is dating a boy? No other than Ikumi Hiroto, can you believe that?” Hao asked while Gyuvin, Jiwoong and Hanbin were having dinner at the dorm, Gyuvin snorted, nodding his head; he already knew that and wasn’t too happy about it.
“Really? That´s unexpected” Jiwoong said, a soft smile on his face, “how did you know, though?” he added and Hanbin looked at Hao, too curious to intervene.
“Zihao told me the other day, you know they´re going to Japan to make a few fan meetings and that, well, Hiroto told him they have been hanging out for like two weeks now, since our party. He was as impressed as Hanbin” the latter wildered his eyes and shook his head hastily, making everyone except Gyuvin, laugh.
“I honestly think they´re not going to last, I can´t see them together.” Gyuvin spouted, annoyingly, Hao was about to replicate, but Gyuvin continued: “They´re obviously not a match”.
“The heck is you saying! they look super cute together and I remember they´ve been close since Boy´s Planet” Hao said back, pouring himself some cola. Gyuvin shook his head, pointing finger at the Chinese, about to fight, but immediately stopped when Gunwook entered the kitchen, everyone looked at the younger.
“Look! Who is better to give an assertive opinion than his very best friend!” started Hao and Gyuvin´s eyes wildered.
“Hyung, don´t.” he hissed, clenching teeth, but the elder didn’t listen.
“Gunwook-ah, yes or no: Junhyeon and Hiroto are a great couple!?”
A couple.
He didn’t know what to say, everyone was looking at him, expecting to hear the news, but he didn’t even know what they were talking about. Gyuvin was staring at him, apologetically, his eyes trembling. A couple. Hiroto and Junhyeon, a couple. It clicked. He felt all his body tensing up and his eyes stung; his lips part and close and then he heard Gyuvin telling something to Hao and they started bickering, he didn’t want to look nor understand the things they were saying; he tried to look away but he spotted Hanbin´s eyes, and he knew that his leader now knew, he was pitying him.
Please, don’t, Gunwook thought, and then he was walking back to his room.
He was mad, like, crazy mad, but now directly at Junhyeon. He felt the anger boiling on his joints, making his fist wrenching and his eyesight blurry. He sat on his bed, trying to calm down, but ended up standing and taking his phone.
Thanks for telling the news, congrats on your fucking relationship.
He typed and immediately deleted. Okay, he was angry but what would that even do? Junhyeon had all the right to start dating whoever he please. But, how dared he acted so offended when Gunwook didn’t tell him about his own relationship even though it wasn’t even real. That was low. He breathed in and out, multiple times, deeply, then put his phone down, he rolled back his hair with his hands and elbowed his knees, hands on his face; he closed his eyes and suddenly the palms felt wet. He was the one ignoring him, he reminded to himself, but that didn’t mean they suddenly stopped being friends, and even though they´d never get to talk about their kiss, maybe Junhyeon telling him about Hiroto could´ve been a promising white flag.
“Can I come in?” a soft and kind knowing voice entered the room, Gunwook immediately wiped his eyes and straightened his back, Hanbin pretended he didn’t saw that and just went to sit beside him, Gunwook smiled at him, weakly, and the leader return the smile, warmly. “Wanna talk about that?” he added on a sweet whisper, making Gunwook felt like a little kid.
“I´m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, hyung” he said, voice weak and raspy, Hanbin frowned deeply and shook his head, reaching for his hand to hold it reassuringly.
“You don’t have to apologize, you didn’t even have to tell me, nor anyone. “he explained, Gunwook was looking at his own lap, still angry, but a bit calmer.
“I´ve never have a girlfriend. It was all pretended; I was talking with Junhyeon the whole time.” Hanbin seemed a bit shaken by that, but recomposed himself quickly, still softly nodding. “I like him?” he confessed, ears red and a prominent pout on his lips while he dared to look at Hanbin´s kind eyes.
“Is he… I mean, was he- “
“No. We were not. I just liked him, it´s wasn’t mutual.” Hanbin stayed in silence, still a slight frown on his pale face. Gunwook sighed, it was the first time he said it out loud. “I never told him, though.” He added, trying to look more comfortable, he didn’t want Hanbin to believe his show of interest was awkward, because it was all the opposite.
“Then, how did you know he didn’t like you back?” the leader inquired and, for a moment, Gunwook didn’t know what to respond.
“I… well, I kissed him and everything went wrong.”
“He did not correspond.” Hanbin said, a sad tone on his voice, Gunwook shook his head gently.
“He did correspond, but then he… asked me why did I do that, kiss him. He seemed uncomfortable and then I couldn’t handle it and asked him to leave.” he explained, a little bit hasty, suddenly realizing how stupid that sounded.
“He corresponded the kiss, then asked you why did you kissed him and then he leaved… by your request.” He recalled Gunwook´s words slowly, it didn’t take him lot to catch the hint in the elder´s tone, he nodded, feeling sweaty out of the sudden “… And then what happened?” he inquired, patiently.
“I have been avoiding him since then. Ignoring him like a prick.” he spat, Hanbin nodded once again and after a moment, he squeezed his hand, comforting.
“Want my opinion?”
“If you are going to tell me I´ve been stupid, believe me, I just realized that too.” He said, a bit ashamed, not bit of anger left on him, Hanbin shook his head and laughed softly.
“Then I´m not going to say anything.” The leader teased. It made Gunwook laugh.
***
It took Gunwook a few days to digest his emotions. He started to distract himself with his busy schedule, and when he had time to spare, he was with his members killing time and, at some point, he felt like he was ready to turn the page. It wasn’t as easy as it sounded, but he was taking the process quite nicely, even feeling as something inside him had matured. He was still very attached to Junhyeon, but not as painfully as before, now was more like a memory of something you could have done better; it hurt, but you weren’t suffering anymore. He missed his best friend, though, he realized that, one afternoon while they were heading back to the dorm.
He overheard Taerae on the phone, he was talking with Minseoung, turned out they became very close for some reason he didn’t knew about and didn’t care too much either. They were talking about the redstarts— now TIOT, pre-debut. Gunwook didn’t even knew they were soon to debut, let alone in a few days; he felt happy for them, but guilty and a like a bit of a prick for not knowing before, he tried not to being too harsh on himself for that, though, and decided just to be glad for them. When Taerae hung up the phone, Gunwook asked him about the debut stuff as he didn’t just overhear everything and ended up receiving a roll of eyes from Taerae and then a gentle pat on his thigh leading by a ´that’s a chance I see there´ whisper.
Gunwook took the hint on that, and that same night, he decided to text Junhyeon.
It wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. He had thought that maybe he wouldn’t know how to speak with him, as if they were now just two strangers, but he found himself typing every word fluidly and even a little bit hasty and anticipating, of course that took a few attempts before he was satisfied with the result.
- Hi, this is Gunwook, but you probably know that already, or maybe you deleted my number and hate me now- (deleted)
- Hello, Junhyeon. I heard about your debut, sorry I been a shitty friend I deserved your hate- (deleted)
- I miss you so much you don´t have an idea- (deleted)
- Fuck Hiroto, you should date-(deleted)
[9:40pm from Gunwook-ie.]
Hi. I hope you´re doing fine, I´m doing ok.
I heard from Taerae that you guys are debuting, he´s been talking lots with Minseoung, did you know that? Weird, right?
Anyway. Man, you are soon to debut. I´m so happy for you, you are very talented and you deserve it, you all do. I just wanted to let you know how happy I am for you.
P.D: You don’t need to reply if you don’t want to, I´ll understand. Again, congratulations, Junhyeon.
P.D. 2: I feel like I am writing you a letter, it´s fun.
He went to sleep with a satisfied feeling and, by the time he woke up, the feeling was surprisingly lingering. He re-read his own text and thought it was a bit funny. It didn’t matter if Junhyeon don´t reply, he thought, it wasn’t necessarily as he said on the text, he just hoped it made Junhyeon feel some sort of support, regardless of the terms they were on, whatever they were.
He didn’t expect, of course, that at night he would be receiving an actual reply.
[9:10pm from The prettiest man alive.]
What a surprise, having you, important people, writing to me.
I´m doing splendid, of course, I mean, an idol had just texted me! I suspect he made a mistake, though.
I wasn’t really expecting you to write, neither I was expecting that oncoming friendship of Taerae with my dearest Minseoung, keep him away from my husband!
ANYWAY. Thank you so much, really, I appreciate the effort.
What have you been up to?
P.D: I´m not sure if you actually wanted me to reply, but I did, so, you don´t have to reply if you don´t want to! I would be very glad if you do, though.
P.D. 2: I should write you an actual letter next time, but don’t know how the real mail thing works so I´ll just settle for this.
Gladly, Junhyeon (to keep up with the lettering mood, hope I´m still saved as The prettiest man alive on your phone, though.)
Gunwook almost choked on his cereal when he read that. It was… weird. Weird how Junhyeon managed to make it sound as if they never even stopped talking. He remembered when Boy´s Planet finished and they didn’t talk for a month and the day Junhyeon texted him again, it was like they´d been talking just a day before, it felt like that time once again. Did the guy wasn’t even capable of holding grudges? This was definitely not time to feel angry at yourself, Gunwook thought to himself, sighing and starting to walk uneasy all over the kitchen, Ricky watching him, confused.
He read the text a few times again and nodded, deciding to keep the mood but maybe without acting too oblivious from the fact that they haven’t speak a word to each other in ages.
[9:21pm from Gunwook-ie.]
A good man never forgets his old mates, no matter how famous he gets.
I´ve been ridiculously busy, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been willing to know about you, even though I made a quite terrible job of it. I did want your reply and I´m replying to you hoping for another reply… You know, I´m ambitious.
What have YOU been up to? Besides the big news, of course.
P.D: Yeah, unfortunately, you still saved as The prettiest man alive. How am I saved, though?
P.D. 2: I don´t actually have second pd but felt like I needed to add one.
Gunwook.
[9:29pm from The prettiest man alive.]
Horrendous job that you made there, I must say! But, it´s okay, like, IT IS really okay, Gunwook. I´m just glad that you texted me. There´s a bunch of things I wanted to tell you about, but I didn’t know if you were willing to ignore one more of my texts, jk, or else…. Nah, just kidding.
I hope… I´m not pushing this lot but, can we meet soon? I really want to see you. You know, at the party, we barely acknowledged each other existence, always had to be that dramatic, huh! I´m kidding again, I think.
Anyway, now I actually feel like I´m writing a letter, it kind of make you feel as you need to say everything that you had been holding inside, right? I supposed that´s why people used to be more romantic ages ago, it fits you, though.
P.D: Of course you are saved as ´The weird nerd I befriended´
P.D. 2: pds are the best, keep going.
Your beloved, Junhyeon. (I´m risking on this one)
[9:42pm from Gunwook-ie.]
I feel like I should start apologizing, but I kind of want to see you in person before that, to do it face to face, I mean. Which means… of course I want us to meet, I was actually about to tell you. I was thinking… It´s going to be a concert, you know… here in Korea. I was kind of hoping you could assist? I´ll give you tickets and all. Is the first concert and it´s kind of a big deal for us, so it would mean a lot for me to see you there. Oh, my God, now I understand when you say I´m all about poetic shit and drama. Anyway, yeah.
[9:45pm from Gunwook-ie.]
And yeah, I totally agree with that letter thing, it fits me cause I´m a romantic trash and a weird nerd, that´s what you´re saying, I see. Still, I agree.
[9:58pm from Gunwook-ie.]
Shit, forgot to add my pds!
P.D: Have you decide to stop replying to me? I´m paranoid.
P.D.2: pd-dying is hard.
P.D.3: Ricky says hi.
[10:00pm from Gunwook-ie.]
Yours, Gunwook.
[ 7:06am from The prettiest man alive.]
SORRY. I NOD OFF. Was too tired.
My answer is totally yes, it´ll be an honor to witness such a magnificent show! Send me all the info and I´ll be there.
Also, I really appreciate your efforts to the pds but I´m afraid right now I will not be able to keep with the format since the lovely Keonhee gets whiny in the morning and demands a lot of attention!
Hope you have a great day, and just for you know, I´m so, so, so glad we´re talking again. I had missed you, Gunwook. ANYWAY, later.
[ 7:14am from The prettiest man alive.]
Yours too, Junhyeon.
[ 7:56am from The prettiest man alive.]
Hello to Ricky too!!!
Gunwook woke up at nine and saw the morning texts, made him feel warm on the chest and a little bit guilty. Does he deserve it? All the mercy Junhyeon was conceding him. He tried not to let his mind load too much into that in order to focus in just make it up for it.
***
It was the day of the concert. Zerobaseone first concert in Korea and all the members were scared to death. Even though they have been promoting ´In Bloom´ in various shows by now, holding their first concert was entirely another level. They were euphoric, of course, but the nervousness was eating Gunwook alive, and not only because the concert itself but because he was meeting Junhyeon too.
They agreed to meet each other backstage an hour before so they could have a little chat before the concert start, Gunwook was the one that had proposed that, since he was the first one in wanting to have a word; he had planned on apologize and explained himself with a little bit of help from some thin white lies. He knew it wasn’t the best way to reconnect with your best friend, but it was merely the only option he had now that he decided to save the friendship and just the friendship, no more unplanned kisses and no more love-strucking over said friendship.
Gunwook didn’t told anyone about his reconciliation, he thought they were going to find out themselves eventually, anyway, so when Junhyeon appeared accompanied with other knowing faces, the rest of the boys were pretty much surprised. To his fortune, they behaved pretty well, specially Gyuvin, who managed the situation surprisingly casual, that didn’t save Gunwook from a discreet grin, though. As Gunwook and Junhyeon exited the dressing room, Gunwook mentally reviewed the words he had almost memorized the night before in order to be straight forward and sound reassuring enough, hoping not to be betrayed by his own mind in the process.
They were at the hall and Junhyeon looked as any other day, as if he hadn’t stop seeing him, not even a day, he thought. The black-haired boy let out a heavy sigh and gathered all the courage in him to speak; Junhyeon watched him, patiently and a little amused by the evident struggle the younger was dealing with, only to talk with him.
“I´m sorry.” He finally said, scratching the back of his head, feeling his chest wrenching, his temple starting to sweat, it was pretty hot in there. Junhyeon immediately looked at the floor, Gunwook thought he might be expecting more than that and went back to recalled all of his rehearsed words.
“You didn’t deserve the way I treated you. I was really a selfish asshole- “Junhyeon looked up at the swearing, ghosting a smile, Gunwook felt his body relaxed a little “I´m sorry I called myself your very best friend and then acted like a total prick with you,”
“I´m sorry I never even gave you an explanation and I´m sorry I might not be able to give you one now either— you just need to trust me now, and I know I don’t deserve your trust, but I swear I’ll make it up to you, just, please give me another chance and- “and Junhyeon interrupted him throwing himself into his arms, Gunwook hesitated for a moment and then wrapped him on a tight hug.
He needed that. He´d starved that. Junhyeon smelled fresh-y and he was unexpectedly hot, their bodies together felt just so right that Gunwook had to pulled back before starting to actually melt under Junhyeon´s belly heat against him.
“As much as I agree, I can’t stand hearing you calling yourself and idiot one more time.” Junhyeon said, half teasing, the younger nodded, embarrassed but kind of appreciating the compassion. “And… as much as I hate what I’m about to tell you, too, I need you to know that I know that I was the first one acting like a prick” Gunwook shook his head in immediate opposition, but Junhyeon nodded his head gently “Remember what you told me that time? In your dorms terrace.” He added, it took Gunwook a while to finally remember, and when he did, he felt regret worming down his throat.
“I asked you to don´t get away from me again” he muttered, Junhyeon smiled softly, nodding and after a moment, he sighed.
“I just hope this is the last time, ok? Not you, not me, let´s quite being idiots, please?” Junhyeon almost pleaded; relief and affection washing over Gunwook.
“Shit, I really do l- “
“Hyung, the manager hyung is calling you— Oh, sorry “Yujin´s head had peered from the dressing room, both boys looked at the younger, their cheeks as red as a pomegranate.
They quickly said goodbye and Junhyeon went to look for his friends outside.
While on stage, Gunwook still felt all his body tickled from Junhyeon´s previous hug. He easily spotted him in the crowd and couldn’t stop stealing quick glances at him through the entire first block. It was a moment for games and questions and when it was Gunwook´s turn to do the bloody aegyo, he mentioned Junhyeon and, Gunwook couldn’t see his reaction, but he was truly happy about it; it was followed by other members same aegyo, even Jiwoong teased him directly and the fans went a bit crazy, which Junhyeon was secretly very satisfied with. The concert turned out better than expected, everyone was so happy and emotional, and when Gunwook looked for Junhyeon´s figure one last time before exiting the stage, Junhyeon was already looking straight to him, they smiled and Gunwook pleaded heaven to made him strong enough to not fall for that guy (perhaps, harder).
***
Hiroto was back at Seoul for a few days and Junhyeon promised him to spend at least an entire day together. It wasn’t as Junhyeon didn’t want to see the boy, they were hanging out, after all, it was his schedule that didn’t permitted him do too much about it. He was about to debut and his mind was just occupied with other things rather than… having a date or whatever. When the day came, Hiroto went to look for him at his dorm, some of the members greeted him, the others were already out on their spare afternoon. Junhyeon tried not to act too stunned when the Japanese kissed him on the mouth once they reached for each other at the hall. They headed to Junhyeon´s room and the shorter one sat on his bed, Junhyeon felt a little uneasy, it was the first time he had someone in his bedroom, besides the other´s boys, obviously; it was something intimate, sort of strange on a level, he didn’t like it that much.
“Come here” Hiroto asked, patting his side, a warm smile on his pale face, Junhyeon sat beside him, staring at him shyly, the other boy held his hand on his own, “I know I´ve just arrived, but I´m going to be away for a while. My company needs me in Japan and my family agreed.” he said and Junhyeon saw a glimpse of sadness on his face, he wondered if he was expected to feel that way too.
“I-… I´m sure it could only be for good, right?” he said, squeezing the other´s hand, Hiroto leaned in to kiss him gently on the cheek and then rested his head on his shoulder, Junhyeon caressed his hair.
“I´m going to miss you.” He confessed and Junhyeon felt the guilt crept into his joints, he nodded his head and said a weak “Me too”.
It wasn’t a lie, though, he was sure he would miss those little moments, even if they were mostly pretty much cautious and recalculated, they were warm and assuring. Hiroto was great— way too great for him. Junhyeon knew he needed to say something to make him feel better, but everything that occurred to him was too compromising, so he just stayed there, in silence, squeezing his side and running a thumb in the back of his hand. The Japanese seemed to appreciate that just enough.
They went to a coffee shop, Junhyeon´s phone didn’t stop buzzing on his pocket, Hiroto noticed that and Junhyeon felt nervous, not knowing exactly why, but the other didn’t said nothing and then they went for a walk. It was already dark and cold outside, and even though they weren’t the type to hold hands while walking, Hiroto hugged his arm and walked like that for a while.
“I really wish this could work” the shorter one said out of a sudden, Junhyeon frowned and looked down at him, a question on his eyes, the other snorted and rolled his eyes, he was embarrassed, “That means I want us to try… you know, distance.” Junhyeon stopped walking and released himself from the other´s grab, to stand in front of him, Hiroto sighed, “Please, don’t make me say it.”
“Do you, really?” he asked, noticed his own voice a bit crackly for the lack of use— it was weird how quite he went with Hiroto, wondered it that was a good thing, but shook the thought away immediately, “We don’t need to.” He added, Hiroto tightened his lips, giving him a disappointed look.
“I know we don’t need to. But… I want to, don’t you?” he sounded terribly hopeful and Junhyeon looked away for a moment, chewing his cheek, his phone started ringing and they both rapidly stared at his pocket, Hiroto expecting him to pick up and Junhyeon expecting it to stop ringing.
“I really don’t know if- “
“Who is it?” the Japanese abruptly interrupted and Junhyeon wildered his eyes, half confused, Hiroto jerked his head in his pocket direction, the phone went silence “It´s been ringing all day” he added and Junhyeon said it was the boys on their group chat, Hiroto didn’t seemed to buy that, but didn’t insisted any further. “I really like you, you know.” He confessed, his dark eyes a bit sparkly, Junhyeon nodded, hating himself a little. “I know— I know it isn’t exactly the same from you, but I thought that maybe you´d eventually grow to it and- “
“Hey, hey, no. Please— look, I do like you too” he said and Hiroto gave him a weak unconvinced smile “It´s just, I told you, I wasn’t— I´m not” he stopped, that would be a lie, he liked to have someone around, but there was someone specific he wanted and it wasn’t him, the thought scared the hell out of him “Okay” he said, the other´s face went fully confused. “Let´s try that distance shit out, It´s fine”
“I´m not obligating you, Junhyeon” well, that how it fucking feels, he thought, but shook his head.
“You are not. Let´s just do that, see how it pans.” He stated, watching the other hesitated for a long torturing moment, and then, finally, he saw him flashing a bright smile.
“Great.” And Junhyeon felt strangely relief as the little one throw himself on his arms. How stupid prat he was being, he thought about himself, resigned.
***
Gunwook decided to stop being an overthinking coward. So, next day, even though Junhyeon didn’t even replied to his latest texts, he called him until he got a reply and invited him to watch a movie at his dorm, Junhyeon said yes and they watched it in company of Gyuvin and Ricky. Next morning, they had breakfast at the TIOT´s dorm and they spent the next weekend together, too.
It was great having Junhyeon back on his life, having his best friend again. Everything was clearly back to normal, even better, Gunwook could risk in saying. But, there was this one thing whenever Junhyeon´s phone buzzed on his pocket until the latter one had to excuse himself to the hallway to make a quick call. Usually, he would return greedy as before, but sometimes, he would have this hard to read face that Gunwook didn’t know if it was tiredness or sadness, he never dared to ask, though, because they just didn’t talk about it. Not until one night at zerobaseone dorm.
It was its usual buzzing at first, but then Gunwook was sure it was missed call after missed call. Junhyeon seemed to be trying so hard to pretend it wasn’t bothering him, until Gunwook paused the game they were about to win on Gyuvin´s computer and gave him a worried look, Junhyeon flushed and nodded his head, he seemed embarrassed. Gunwook watched his back as he exited the room. He tried to distract himself from his own mind and scrolled through his phone until Junhyeon came back, the monitor was now black for the lack of use and Gunwook chewed his lower lip, expecting Junhyeon to talk. He seemed uncomfortable, sitting at the edge of the bed, playing with his hands, his eyes on his lap. Gunwook just waited.
“Sorry…” he muttered, Gunwook straighten his back on Gyuvin´s gamer chair, Junhyeon looked up at him.
“It´s okay.” Junhyeon nodded his head slowly and chuckled softly.
“There´s something I need to tell you, serious stuff…” he started and Gunwook immediately felt the back of his neck sweating, he nodded, nodding his face softly, inviting to continue, Junhyeon breathe in, “Well, I suppose it´s actually pretty obvious, I mean, I think everybody knows by now, but… Anyway, I wanted to tell you myself” Gunwook nodded again, his eyes looking for Junhyeon´s, but he wasn’t looking, “I like boys just as I like girls” he said, now he was looking at him, for a moment, Gunwook thought he saw a sort of challenge on his eyes, as expecting him to said something against the news.
“I… I think that’s great.” Fucking idiot, ´I think that’s great´? It wasn’t a fucking school achievement, you moron, “I mean, it is great that you told me. You didn’t have to, I mean, there´s nothing to—I mean, thank you for telling me.” He almost pants when he was done talking.
Junhyeon chuckled again, this time without that hesitating look, but almost as making fun of Gunwook wobbling words; the black hair boy was relieved, though. But, then Junhyeon expression changed to a disappointed look, as if he was expecting something that didn’t came. He couldn’t bare more of it, and went straight to aboard the elephant in the room.
“Is he your boyfriend?” he asked, a shaky and cautious tone, Junhyeon seemed taken aback for a moment, but then composed himself; Gunwook catch a frown from his face, as he was thinking hard on it.
“We´re… I think, yes, kind of it.” He finally said, his ears bright red.
“Kind of it?” he inquired, letting his curiosity intervened, Junhyeon shook his head, then sighed heavily.
“It´s not as we asked each other out or anything, we´re just… hanging out.” Gunwook fought a smile on his face, having to looked away, guilt creeping on his stomach.
“He seemed as a very attentive… dude.” Gunwook added, Junhyeon raised an eyebrow and then laughed softly, “If you are happy, I´m happy, Junhyeon-ah.” That wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t exactly a truth either, “I don´t care what´s inside their pants as long as they treat you right.” Wish it was me, though, a tiny voice on his head muttered.
“Thank you. You really are my best friend.” He said and Gunwook tried as hard as he could to not flinch at the words. It was fine, he could handle best friend. He would handle it. It wasn’t as if was something entirely new.
He was too busy trying to calm his mind that he didn’t notice the longing look— almost like a plead, on Junhyeon´s face.
***
Gunwook was one of the masterminds in planning the party. He was so happy to celebrate Junhyeon that he even lied to his best friend by telling him he couldn’t go see him this night to watch a movie, he didn’t even back down after hearing Junhyeon all whiny in the other side of the line. Taerae, Gyuvin and him were in TIOT´s dorm since five; at seven, the rest of zerobaseone were they to help too, so when all the guests started to arrive at eight, everything was more than ready: drinks, decoration, snacks, music, all of it. Gunwook was proud of himself, and just thinking about Junhyeon´s face when he´ll sees the surprise, he felt like floating on a nimbus.
When Gunwook saw Ikumi Hiroto entering through the door, he felt himself falling from the cloud straight to the cold, hard asphalt. Wasn’t he supposed to be in Japan? Junhyeon didn’t even said anything about him coming to Seoul, well, he never talked about him, like, at all… but, does he really needed to be here? Like, tonight? He thought to himself, feeling immediately pathetic. Of course, it was his friend´s boyfriend or whatever, it was expected that he was there. Taerae squeezed his arm and that made him feel ever worse.
The real surprise was when Hiroto clearly spotted him and before he could even wave a hand, the other withdrawn his eyes from him. Oh, shit. Before he could turn to Taerae to asked him if he saw the same thing, he found himself let alone among the crowd. He decided that maybe it was about time to take his first drink, since nobody really knew when the celebrated boys were coming, and just as if manifested, everybody was shouting congratulations, and Junhyeon was so startled that he looked kind of looked scared, Gunwook tried to get closer, but everyone was clapping and waving their arms so frantically, that he had to stayed where he was, hoping Junhyeon would spot him.
***
TIOT pre-debut was done and as soon as the boys exited the stage and into their dressing rooms, their phones started ringing and buzzing; they celebrated together with the staff and ate a delicious cake that was perfectly decorated with their group name. When they headed back to their dorm, planning on going straight to nod off on their beds, Junhyeon sensed something weird; Minseoung had gone completely quiet while they were on the elevator and he was sure he was avoiding looks. Keonhee elbowed him, a question on his eyes, but Junhyeon just shrugged, feeling just as curious. He happened to know what was the older all about until the moment they opened the door and a loud blast of music and people shouting, hit them on the face.
Oh, no.
“What the fuck?” the younger spat once the four of them withdrawn themselves from the noise and the crowd invading their house, to Minseoung´s room.
“Language” the elder hissed, getting a roll of eyes from Woojin.
“No, I´m actually with him; what the fuck, Minseoung?” Keonhee intersected, to second the younger, Minseoung went quiet again, his cheeks a bit rosy, Junhyeon just sighed, trying to quell the anxious feeling on his chest.
It wasn’t as he was against parties, not at all, actually, he was always excited to do something different with his friends. Thing was, that he was sure he caught a glimpse of a very recognizable black hair boy, and he already knew for a fact that Hiroto would be out there too— since he was having a few days off from Japan; he also knew that he should not have to worry about it, that his best friend and his… well, Hiroto, already— or at least, used to get along pretty well, but somehow he happened to feel as a very reproachable old man, who his two wives were about to find each other about.
“I´m sorry! It wasn’t entirely my idea; the staff wanted us to celebrate and I thought you might work a little party… I should´ve told you, guys. I´m sorry. Is just that you have worked so hard, we know —the staff know you deserve a reward.” the leader explained and Junhyeon knew that Woojin, Keonhee and him were feeling the same thing: guilt.
“Let´s not be a pain in the ass and just enjoyed the damn party.” Keonhee said and Junhyeon nodded his head furiously, Woojin didn’t look that much convinced, but Junhyeon throw a supportive arm over his shoulders and the younger ended up smiling too. Minseoung thought how much he loved these prats.
They came back to their guests and it only took them a second to disappear among the crowd, only Woojin following his Keonhee hyung everywhere. Minseoung was quickly found with Taerae, who seemed just as excited as him to talk with each other. Junhyeon found himself hiding at the kitchen, pouring himself a drink, or what he mentally called: a stop-being-stupid-and-a-coward-drink. It worked great, since he barely has alcohol tolerance. It took another drink and a few minutes on the warm environment for him to start to feel all dizzy and funny. He walked back to the living room and greet lot of knowing faces, he didn’t even know he had that much of acquaintances. The lighting was colorful and the music was too loud, but somehow he felt comfortable and excited, he even stopped for a moment to dance with some of the Boy´s planet guys; everything was so cool that he even forgot why was he worried at the first place. Said comfort started to fade once he was abruptly brought back to the reality by a pair of small hands pulling him off the improvised dance floor.
“Congratulations!” Hiroto said, voice a bit too shrill, Junhyeon tried to smile as he was pulled into a tight hug.
It wasn’t fair, he knew, he really knew. Hiroto was there and he was interested in him, and Junhyeon just wanted to dance and not think in anything besides killing it in the dance floor and made a clown of himself with his friend to a good laugh. But, when Hiroto started to asked him how he felt and massaged his shoulders tenderly once they were under the privacy of Junhyeon´s room, he realized something, and everything made sense: he liked to be wanted, he didn’t want to be alone. And still wasn’t fair, but at least he knew why he was acting the way he was. So, when Hiroto leaned in for a kiss, he corresponded, and it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t magical either, but it was real, Hiroto was real enough to be just there.
“Let´s go back outside, okay?” he said and the shorter one nodded softly, bright eyes and pink cheeks.
***
Gunwook was too happy— perhaps too tipsy already, that ignoring the fact that Junhyeon was nowhere to be found didn’t bothered him as much as he would have thought. He was dancing his ass off, Gyuvin, Hanbin and Hao with him; Ricky and Matthew joined them eventually, and soon the living room was full of sweaty and dancing bodies. Gyuvin was the first in taking a seat on the big sofa with the same friend Gunwook meet on their dorm room last party, but of course, the older kept insisting she was just a friend; Gunwook thought he was the least indicated to go further in that. When Jiwoong appeared, he wasn’t alone, he had Junhyeon´s arm thrown over his shoulder and they were on their endless teasing, Gunwook smiled widely at them and everyone greet them. Behind the tall brown-haired boy, it was Hiroto, and this time, Gunwook received a smile in return.
Everyone kept dancing and shouting and laughing and Gunwook was way too happy to stop dancing, not even when his head started to spin; Junhyeon seemed happy too, and they were sharing discreet glances and knowing smiles and, for a moment, Gunwook could pretend that he was the one beside his best friend, the one clinging to his arm, jumping side to side not caring about their bodies colliding into each other.
Soon enough, they all were too exhausted and sticky-sweaty to keep occupying the dance floor. By Matthew and Gyuvin proposal, they all went to the kitchen to refill their cups and play some game Gunwook didn’t knew, but that implied a lot of unnecessary drinking. After a lot of empty cups, they decided to swipe the game, this time, they went for truth or dare, by Ricky suggest.
“Oh, my God, this is so ridiculous, we are not sixteen!” said, Taerae, who didn’t actually care about how childish the game was but was in fact too nervous to be dared or asked something he didn’t want.
“Yujin is” Hao replied, brow raised, the younger one shrugged, agreeing with Hao.
And the game was actually fun, or maybe they were all too drunk— except for Yujin, who was allowed just one glass of beer to fill his curiosity; Jiwoong confessed a few interesting things about his relationships history, Hanbin was obligated to confessed a humiliated anecdote, Junhyeon had to do some ridiculous tiktok challenges and Hao even stole a peck of one of the girls there. It was all fun, but soon everyone started to dissipated all over the place. Gunwook overheard Junhyeon telling Taerae he need to use the loo, the older stole a quick glance at him and then he just pointed out that Gunwook was about to go too, so they might just go about together, Gunwook hesitated for a split of a second, but rapidly took the chance, nodding to Junhyeon, as he just smiled and start heading to the bathroom.
As they walked to the bathroom, Gunwook following Junhyeon´s steps, he felt the drunkenness increase, all the apartment was horrendously hot and he was sweating too much; once they arrived, Junhyeon went in and he leaned back at the wall, closing his eyes tightly willing for his sanity to come back.
“You okay?” Junhyeon´s voice interrupted his useless attempt to sober up, when he looked back at him, he felt his stomach wrenched.
“That was fast” he said, eyebrows shot up.
“Just washed my face. Still mainly drunk, though.” He laughed and Gunwook nodded, empathizing.
When Gunwook went out too, Junhyeon was on his phone, waiting for him, he asked him to accompany him to take an important call. Gunwook thought they were going outside the dorm, but saw Junhyeon heading to his bedroom. It was his first time there, at least for too many time. Apparently, Junhyeon was talking with his mom, he looked very happy, and Gunwook was trying too hard not to laugh at the way his friend was faking his sobriety, walking aimlessly over the little room.
Gunwook suddenly felt lightheaded and without even loading too much into it, he laid back on Junhyeon´s bed, feeling loose-limbed; his long legs making his shoes still reach the floor. After what it felt like twenty minutes, he realized his friend have had stopped talking. He elbowed the bed to raise himself a little and caught Junhyeon leaning back at the wall in front of the bed, just staring down at him. He felt a bubbling current ran through his back, tickling his muscles as it went. Neither of them said anything, at least not with words; Junhyeon kept staring at him, at his face, as his neck, his chest, lower. Fuck. Gunwook closed his eyes tightly, feeling his lungs run out of air. When he opened his eyes again, they were immediately meet with Junhyeon´s, he sensed a smiled, a shy one, and he smiled back, and dizzily chuckled as he let his head fall backwards.
“How´s your mom?” he asked, once he mildly recomposed himself to sit, head still spinning a bit.
“She´s alright. Said hi.” Gunwook smiled at the simplicity, then nodded, he saw Junhyeon crossed his arms up his chest.
Now Gunwook stared at him, breathing slowly, carefully catching little details of his clothes; then went for his face, he liked the way he looks without any make up on, soft sun-kissed skin, bumpy small nose and plump lips. Oh, those lips, he thought, and he was still so damned drunk, or maybe he was just suddenly reckless.
“I don’t understand” he mumbled.
“What?” he saw Junhyeon smiling fondly.
“I don´t understand” he repeated, firmly.
“What is it?” Junhyeon frowned a little, his skin looked terribly smooth under the soft orange light from the bedside table.
“How? —When?” he whispered, almost like a snort.
There was a long pause line for internal process. He caught the exact moment when the question clicked, on Junhyeon´s face. He looked taken aback at first, almost offended, and then he shook his head slowly, the frown between his eyebrow deepening.
“It wasn’t as I just woke up one day knowing; it took its time to load in.” he explained, his voice anxiously decorated.
“I didn’t notice” Gunwook breathed, defeated.
“I didn’t want you to” he said hurriedly, hasty; Gunwook looked up at him, lips tightened on a thin unconvinced line, frustrated, wishing he could just say everything on his mind.
A long pause again, Junhyeon seemed as if he was giving him time to think, or to understand, but Gunwook wasn’t certainly understanding not thinking, he just wanted to shout at him what he was feeling, what he has been feeling for so long now. But, then, he felt something that made his shoulders fall: neglect. Was he being neglectful? Trying to know why Junhyeon acted the way he did, did he even got the right to ask? Maybe not, maybe he was pushing his luck, but he was drunk and he was suddenly so sad and desperate and Junhyeon was just there looking so damn confused and gorgeous. And he got the feeling that this couldn’t be good, but he pushed it, anyway.
“Was it something I said? That made you believe I wasn’t going to be ok with it or- “he started to said, hastily, as if it was a question he´s been holding, Junhyeon wildered his eyes.
“No. It has nothing to do with you, I swear.” Junhyeon shook his head, gently, eyes full with worried.
“Then, why? Why didn’t you tell me?” he was pushing it, again, and deep down he knew it wasn’t worth it, asking all this, because Junhyeon did tell him, but it was too late, and it wasn’t his fault.
“I wasn’t ready.” He whispered, lowering his face, and Gunwook thought that he should have stop there, seeing him like that, but he felt braver than ever.
“You should have told me” he firmly declared, Junhyeon immediately looked up, he seemed in disbelief, but then Gunwook caught a glimpse of anger on him, lighting in slowly.
“I did” he spat, even though it sounded as a question.
“You know what I mean”
“I´m sorry” he said sorry, stop now, he thought; he knew he needed to calm down, so he stood up, breathing in and out discreetly, Junhyeon remained silence, watching him.
“You were suddenly so ready” he hissed, and Junhyeon´s shoulders shot up, tense, but out of the sudden, they fall, he looked disappointed, but most of it, he still looked angry.
“What´s that supposed to mean?” his voice was slow and cautious, Gunwook rolled his eyes and snorted.
“With him”
“I— Is not like that.” They were both angry at this point and he knew it; Gunwook took a step closer, looking straight into his eyes, they were too close it almost went as a whisper:
“But, it is.” He didn’t liked what Junhyeon´s expression told him, he was hurt, and his pupils were dark and looking on his face for something that he might haven’t found because he hurried to withdrawn his eyes from him, resigned.
“Why do you think it has to be for someone else? I did it just for me” his voice was now low and raspy, imploring, but Gunwook wasn’t done.
“But, then, one day you just decided to have a boyfriend and let everyone know”
“What…— What is all this about? Really, Gunwook. Because if we are going to talk the untalkable, then I have my shots” there it was, the anger was back in him, stronger, it didn’t suit him, Gunwook thought.
“It´s different” he spat, trying to remain calm, chinned up.
“No. It´s not, and you know it.” Junhyeon insisted, daring.
“You don’t understand” they were too close and it was hard to ignore, but he succeeded in composed himself to look imperturbable.
“Because you never explained! We never talked about it. You still don’t talk about it!” he was shouting, if that´s what he wants.
“Why him?” clenched teeth, and Junhyeon snorted, deeply.
“No. It´s my turn to ask: why did you do it?” he breathed, recklessly.
“It has nothing to do whit this”
“Why did you kissed me, Gunwook? “he seemed frustrated and Gunwook was taken aback by the sound of those words.
“It´s not going to change anything, anyway…” now he was talking slow, calculating, but Junhyeon was so close, and so beautiful, and he wasn’t his.
“What is that that had supposed to change?”
“You are with him” he whispered, Junhyeon looked defeated with that simple reply, and what Gunwook thought was something as… hopeless, too.
“Why you keep saying that—I don’t understand you…” no, fuck, don’t cry, Junhyeon-ah. But, Junhyeon rubbed his eyes hurriedly, he didn’t look angry no more, just hurt and desperate.
“You never told anyone, not even your best friend and then, overnight, you just happened to be dating!” now he felt his own eyes sting, was he crying?
“You know is not like that!” hopeless, again.
“Then why him?!” Choose me, choose me, choose me. Those words repeated on his head.
“Cause he wanted me!” Junhyeon shouted, exhausted.
“I wanted you first!”
What happened next went just too fast to Gunwook to process. Junhyeon´s eyes flooded with glassy tears that decorated his red cheeks; he saw a frown and then a furious shook, then Junhyeon pushed him on the chest multiple times until Gunwook grabbed him by the wrists to stopped him. And then, leaned to kiss him.
It was terrible. Kissing Junhyeon was terrible because it felt like drowning. As falling just too deep to swim, too heavy to even try to move your legs. It tasted salty too, both of them worming on an ocean of Junhyeon´s tears; at some point, Gunwook had cried too, but maybe he just imagined it, the crying. Junhyeon thrown his hands over his shoulders, hugging him by the neck, Gunwook gripping his waist too tight his knuckles burned from rubbing the other´s sweater; all of him burned, his blood almost boiling, his body sweating when he pushed it against Junhyeon´s own. I wanted you first. The brunette´s back collided with the wall, and Gunwook felt his long delicate fingers ruffling his hair, and it was so good, but it ended so damn soon.
They stared at each other once the kiss ended, eyes wildered and swollen lips, their chest rose and falling frantically. Gunwook´s mind was still on the kiss, on Junhyeon´s fingers through his hair, pulling it slightly to melt deeper into his mouth; still on his waist, on the fabric of his sweater. Junhyeon mumbled something he didn’t quite catch and then the door was opened and both of them stayed still for a quick moment before Gunwook was hurriedly walking out of the room, he thrown a quick last glance before the door swung opened after him, Junhyeon´s eyes asking him to stay.
He went directly outside the dorm. He ought to calm down, his chest was still so agitated he tried to remind himself that he was now safe, at least his lips weren’t burning anymore. He leaned his back on the wall, closing his eyes, and a soft smiled invaded his face and he tried to shook it away but ended up with an inevitable chuckled. The euphoria didn’t last long, though, he was worried for Junhyeon, he was worried about leaving him alone with Hiroto, too, he was mostly jealous, as if something inside him just lit bright red the moment their bodies pressed on each other. For a moment, he thought about going back and kiss him again, right in front of Hiroto, but that was a bit too risky and reckless, and still, Hiroto wasn’t the one to blame for growing the balls that he still misses to pursue his wants, so he just stayed there, panting and worrying, and trying not to think too deep about either kissing Junhyeon again or the fact that he was just there while Junhyeon was in his room alone with his actual boyfriend. When he went back inside, he spotted Gyuvin kissing the girl he claimed to be just friends with, and wondered if they actually believe at some point that they were just friends.
For the first time, Gunwook admitted to himself: Junhyeon was never, not even remotely, just a friend.