Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Rocket Squad! Kang’s Personal Hit Squad!

In the wake of The Quantum Realm Incident, The Council of Kangs had gathered together for an emergency meeting.

"This does not bode well for us. As satisfying as the death of our former member is, it is certainly not worth allowing the Avengers of Universe-199999 to know about us," one of the Kangs said.

"Indeed. Out of 14,000,605 versions of them, the Avengers of Universe-199999 are certainly the most formidable. Defeating Thanos was no easy feat," another Kang said.

"But it is not just the Avengers alone that pose a threat to us. We must not overlook the Guardians of the Galaxy, specifically Rocket Raccoon," yet another Kang remarked.

Several Kangs voiced their agreement.

"With Tony Stark dead, Rocket is certainly the most intelligent member of their alliance, and thus a serious threat to us."

"Curse that High Evolutionary. He had no idea what he had. Idiot."

"I propose we eliminate the Guardians of the Galaxy now. That way we won't have to watch out for them when we attack the Avengers on Earth."

The other Kangs unanimously agreed.

"But how shall we do this?" one Kang asked curiously. 

Another Kang smiled gleefully, "Oh, leave it to me. After all, I do possess the only thing as intelligent as Rocket Raccoon, don't I?"

"Ohhhh, them. " 

"Of course."

"Yes, their leader is quite literally his equal."

"I'm amazed that you were able to make them all so loyal to you," one Kang addressed the smiling Kang.

He responded, "And why wouldn't they be loyal to me? I showed them their alternatives. I saved them. One must admit that it is simply amazing that in an overwhelming majority of universes, all but one of them die, and another never even exists. It almost makes you want to believe in that 'cannon event' nonsense that those Spider-Society fools believe in."

A Kang waved his hand dismissively and said, "Let's not waste our breath discussing them. I'm certain Miles Morales will put a stop to Miguel O'Hara with no intervention from us. The Spider-Society is not a threat."

"Of course," the other Kang agreed, "Anyway, are we all in agreement that I will take care of the Guardians of the Galaxy?"

The Council of Kangs showed their approval.

"Very well. It seems I have some orders to give."

The Guardians of the Galaxy were in between missions at the moment, and thus had recently returned to their home base on Knowhere. The group had dispersed for the time being to unwind. Adam Warlock, Phyla, and Blurp had gone off with Drax and Nebula to spend time playing with the growing Star Children. Kraglin and Cosmo were doing something that could be best described as half training exercise, half street performance. Cosmo sent various objects up into the air via her telekinesis, and Kraglin effortlessly sent his arrow up, over, through, and around Cosmo's obstacle course.

As for the two most original members of the team, they were up to something a little less bombastic or exciting.

All of the animals rescued from the High Evolutionary's flagship were happily adopted as pets by either the Star Children or the more sentimental residents of Knowhere. However, there was one group of animals that was looked after by someone else.

The litter of raccoons chased each other playfully in the roomy habitat constructed inside the Guardians' HQ. As Rocket sat cross legged within, allowing the little animals to call onto him, he was pleased to see that Nebula had done an excellent job caring for them while he was out at work.

"I am Groot," the Flora Colossus said softly as he beheld the small critter lovingly.

Rocket smiled, both looking and feeling utterly at peace as he replied, "Yeah. I know."

A strange loud noise began to build outside, followed by sudden screams and cries of fear.

Rocket's smile fell and he said with a grimace, "Just when I was startin' to relax! This better be quick, whatever it is." Rocket stood up, made sure no one was hitching a ride on his back or tail, and quickly left the room with Groot in tow.

By the time Rocket and Groot made it out of HQ, the rest of the Guardians were already gathered together on the street. Everyone was looking up at the pulsating mass of light and energy that had formed in the space right above Knowhere. With a massive release of energy, the mass of energy burst and revealed a ship that rapidly swooped down towards the ground.

“. . .what the Hell? The Milano?” Rocket said as he looked up at the undeniably familiar ship.

The near exact replica of the Guardians’ ship swiftly landed in front of HQ, causing more citizens of Knowhere to scatter. The heroes got into battle positions, with Rocket, Nebula, and Drax readying their weapons as the back hatch of the ship slowly opened. 

Kraglin let out a low whistle, and his arrow slipped out of its sheath and floated at the ready. Cosmo stood by his and growled, readying her psychic powers. Adam Warlock and Blurp were similarly ready for action.

“We don’t have to worry,” Phyla said sunnily as she glanced over to Drax, Nebula, and Rocket. She shrugged and smiled innocently, “I mean, everyone is here. There’s nothing in that ship that can bother us.”

However, no one expected the surprise that walked out.

“What is this!?” Rocket shouted angrily as he kept his gun pointed at the new arrival.

Familiar, mocking laughter ran out in response as a second Rocket Raccoon walked down the ramp. The doppelganger was clad in a strange suit that appeared to be a mixture of leather and metal, with red highlights and pointed shoulders. He also had a goatee-like beard adorned with beads and dice.

The double had a wide smirk on his face as he raised his arms and said confidently, “Ain’t I the pretty one? Am I right?”

Drax raised his daggers and shouted, “Imposter! And a pale imitation at that!”

The other raccoon kept smirking and shook his head and waved his arms as he said, “Imposter? Oh no, no, nope!” He then grinned and gestured with his hands in a helpful manner, “I believe the word you are looking for is variant. ”

“I am Groot?”

The variant tilted his head and said to the Guardians at large, “Why so surprised? It ain’t like I’m the first variant you’ve ever met. Remember?”

Nebula frowned, and her brow furrowed. “He’s right. . . Gamora . . .”

Rocket scrutinized his variant and said, “So, that’s it? You’re just me from an alternate timeline?”

“Alternate universe, actually,” the variant clarified, and he shrugged and said, “Same diff, though.”

“Well, okay,” Phyla said, eyeing the displaced visitor, “Did you want something?”

The dark clad Rocket laughed softly, and he shook his head in amusement and said, “Do I want something? Well, sure. I want to be swimmin’ in credits. But seriously, I’m just here to follow an order. . .” He then slowly looked up and said, “.  .. to kill the Guardians of the Galaxy.”

The native Rocket burst out into loud, raucous laughter.

“And now he’s breaking out the infamous fake laugh, ladies and gents!” Dark Rocket declared, “And don’t deny that it’s a fake laugh, ‘cause if anyone would know, it would be me!”

Rocket stopped laughing and said, “Who cares if it’s real or not? What matters is that you are such an idiot that you actually think you can do anything here! Do you have any idea how many nutjobs have tried to kill us? And you think you can be the one to do it? What are you gonna do?”

Dark Rocket folded his arms and said with a grin, “What? You think I came here by myself?” He then raised his right arm and held up high a familiar looking music player. He clicked the button, and loud action music started to blare from within the inside of the ship. And then, a loud echoing roar could be heard from within.

“HOOOOAAAAAAWWWWWWWR!”

A large brown figure shot out the back of the ship. It hit the ground on a pair of metallic wheels, which screeched as the figure drifted and came to a stop stage left of Dark Rocket. The figure appeared to be a walrus, with metallic tusks and a thick metallic collar around his neck. Hatches opened up on either side of the collar, and strong looking robotic arms extended out with grasping claws at the end of each.

“The biggest! The strongest! I’m Teefs!” he shouted as he stuck his robotic arms out in a pose.

Out of the ship jumped out a much smaller, thinner figure. It was mostly covered in a blue cloak, but it appeared to have light brown fur. It flipped and cartwheeled across the ground, its metallic arms flashing from the light that reflected off of them. It finally came to a stop stage right of Dark Rocket, revealing it to be an otter clad in a protective suit similar to the one Dark Rocket was wearing, but with the addition of the flowing cloak which also had clasp with a red gemstone set on it. The prosthetic arms she was equipped with were well built and tough looking, with five articulate fingers at the end of each.

A confident smile graced her features as she declared, “Can’t catch me! I’m too fast! I am . . .”  she lowered her hood and tossed her flowing cloak out behind her and positioned her arms to mirror Teefs’ pose and exclaimed, “. . . Lylla!”

Out of the ship, something swiftly rolled down the ramp. It appeared to be white and furry yet metallic looking spherical object.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-YAAA!”

The strange tumbleweed looking object jumped up high and opened up, revealing itself to be a white rabbit with spider-like legs, a set of bug-like antennae, and a pair of huge metal jaws on her face. She landed between Dark Rocket and Lylla, and she reared up on her two hind-most spider-legs and adopted a pose similar to a tarantula’s attack pose.

“ME CALLED FLOOR!” she shouted.

Clanging metal footsteps could be heard from within the ship, and out ran a second rabbit. However, unlike Floor, this rabbit had cobalt blue fur, and he ran on two legs. Said legs had been replaced by metal prosthetics. The blue rabbit jumped up high and flipped in mid air, before landing with a solid thud right in between Teefs and Dark Rocket. The rabbit wore pants and a flight suit, and the top half of his face was covered by a metal dome, with a pair of glowing orange-red goggles over his eyes, and holes on top for his long, torn ears to poke out of.

The rabbit grabbed the energy shot-gun from off his back and smirked. “Nothing personal, just business!” he said deviously. He held his shotgun skyward as he shouted, “I’M BLACKJACK!”

Flanked by his teammates, Dark Rocket reached behind him and pressed a button on a device strapped to his back. The device started to unfold itself and grow in length like a telescope. Dark Rocket grunted as he grabbed it and held it aloft. There was a set of rods connected by hinges that kept the device connected to the back of his suit, supporting it as it continued to grow and unpack itself. The device quickly morphed into a very large gun, so large that the framework that connected it to Dark Rocket’s back was clearly a necessity for him to support it. Dark Rocket held the weapon at the ready and shouted, “And I am Captain Rocket!”

“FOUR!” Teefs shouted.

“THREE!” Lylla shouted.

“TWO!” Floor shouted.

“ONE!” Blackjack shouted.

“BLAST-OFF!” Rocket shouted.

The five of them all moved in close and solidified their poses, and they all shouted as one:

“WE ARE THE ROCKET SQUAD!”

The music finally stopped playing, and you could essentially hear a pin drop in Knowhere as the so-called “Rocket Squad” stood posing in front of the Guardians of the Galaxy, who were all staring at their new foes with a mixture of confusion and disbelief, or in Rocket’s case, utter horror.

The silence was finally broken by Kraglin, who shouted out, “What the Hell was that!? Am I the only one seeing this? Am I going crazy !?”

Blackjack humphed and said, “I told you the name sucked, but none of you would listen.”

Dark Rocket glared at Blackjack and said, “We are not calling ourselves the Black Bunny Brigade!”

“Black Bunny Solutions ?”

“NO!”

“Come on, Rocket! We got two bunnies on the team and only one of you! It’s only fair!”

“Floor not bunny! Floor rabbit!”

“It’s the same thing!”

“*sigh* Blackjack, I keep telling you not to shout at Floor.”

“So, I can’t shout, but your boyfriend can be oh so stubborn all the time?”

“No one here wants to change the name!”

“Oh yeah? What do you think, Teefs?”

“What? How’d I get into this?”

What made it all the more remarkable was the fact that the group remained in their poses as they bickered.

Nebula appeared more or less done with all of this and remarked, “So. . .they’re all idiots.”

As everyone else watched in curiosity, Rocket Raccoon was desperately trying to not have a panic attack. At this point he understood why Peter kept getting drunk over Gamora, because right now he just wanted to drink and blot out what he was seeing right in front of him. They were right there. They were alive. But they weren’t his . He wasn’t their Rocket. He was just a bounty to them.

“It’s not them. It’s not them. They just aren’t. They’re gonna kill your actual friends. Your real friends will die if you don’t-.”

“Captain?”

Rocket snapped out of his mental downward spiral and blinked. He turned to see Adam Warlock staring at him questioningly.

Rocket took a deep breath and got serious. He looked at his fellow Guardians and addressed them with determination in his eyes, “Alright team. With help, I can take out the other me and that weird Blackjack guy. But me against those other three is gonna end badly, so you guys better handle them. Just divide and conquer and they’ll go down easy.”

“Uh, guys?” Teefs said, “I think we just let the enemy come up with a plan.”

“Crud,” Blackjack said, feeling humiliated.

Dark Rocket rolled his eyes and said, “They can plan all they want, they’re still going down!” Dark Rocket grabbed hold of his gun, aimed it, and shouted, “Rocket Squad! ATTACK!”

The Rocket Squad broke formation and charged towards the Guardians shouting battle cries. The Guardians countered with their own war cries and charged at them in turn.

Drax made a beeline for Teefs, and he roared as he raised his daggers and swung them for a killing blow. Drax did not expect his daggers to bounce right off of the walrus’ blubber.

Teefs chuckled and said, “What? You didn’t know I had Vibranium particles infused into my skin? It hurt like anything, but it was worth it!” Teefs then used his mechanical arms to grab Drax by the shoulders. Jet engines fired on the sides of his wheel, and Teefs took off at high speeds and slammed Drax into a wall.

As Phyla flew above Lylla, the otter raised her mechanical arms and opened her palms. Gun barrels popped out and fired bolts of energy at the super powered Star Child. Phyla dodged all of the shots, and Lylla smiled and said, “Heh. Not bad. You’re pretty quick. Not as quick as me, but not bad.”

Phyla looked down at Lylla and said, “I hate to blow up a cute otter, but you started it.” Phyla charged cosmic power in her fists, and then unleashed it down at Lylla.

Lylla retracted the gun barrels back into her palms and then held them out as Phyla’s attacks blazed towards her. The energy struck her palms and was promptly absorbed into the Vibranium appendages. Visible cables and tubes in the arms glowed with absorbed power.

Phyla’s eyes widened. “What! How did you-? That’s not fai-!”

Lylla fired the attack back out at Phyla, knocking her out of the sky. Lylla grinned and said to herself, “This will be great practice if Kang needs us to fight Carol.”

“Hold still, you little rodent!” Nebula shouted as she blasted away at Floor, who was proving to be very hard to hit.

“Missed me! Missed me! Missed me again!” Floor cheered as she hopped, jumped, rolled, and skittered around unpredictably. 

Nebula lost her patience and tried to grab her, but Floor just hopped onto Nebula’s arm and wrapped her legs around it tightly.

“ZAP!” Floor cried out, and she activated electrodes in her legs which pumped Nebula’s body full of electricity. She screamed as her cybernetics began to become overloaded by the charge. Luckily, a well-aimed blast of cosmic energy from Phyla knocked Floor off, giving Nebula a change to recover.

“Hey! Leave her alone!” Lylla shouted as she ran towards Phyla. The otter cartwheeled, did a handstand, and then used her prosthetic limbs to propel her straight up. Lylla kicked Phyla square in the jaw, the Star Child was knocked out of the air yet again.

Meanwhile, Rocket was perched on Groot’s shoulder, blasting away at Blackjack, who was nearly as hard to hit as Floor. 

“Hold still and let me shoot ya!” Rocket said angrily.

“I AM GROOT!” Groot shouted as he grew his arms to reach out at Blackjack.

Blackjack’s prosthetic legs let him move around quickly, not to mention jump very high. He came to a sudden stop and backflipped just in time to avoid Groot’s grab. Blackjack landed on his feet, and then sprang up into the air to avoid Rocket’s gunfire. Blackjack flipped upside down, and laughed dementedly as he tossed a grenade. It hit the ground near Groot, and icy mist quickly froze the Flora Colossus from his feet up.

“I am Groooooot. . .” Groot said as he began to slow down as frost began to envelope his torso and arms.

Rocket growled and leapt off of Groot to run after Blackjack. He fired another blast, and Blackjack sprang upward, and while upside-down, fired a shot that knocked the gun right out of Rocket’s hands. Blackjack was so thrilled with his seemingly imminent victory that he didn’t notice Rocket take a metal disk out of his pocket and throw it until it was too late. The disk stuck to the barrel of Blackjack’s shotgun, and the bunny found himself screeching as he was given a whole lot of volts. Blackjack fell to the ground in a heap, and Rocket smirked victoriously.

Rocket turned to grab his gun, only to be hit in the back of the head when Blackjack threw his disabled shotgun at him. Rocket turned just in time to be tackled by Blackjack, and the bunny kneeled on Rocket’s chest and started punching him in the face. Luckily, Rocket was not weakling, and he put his palms flat on the ground and flipped himself upward, launching Blackjack off of him. Rocket then ran after him and landed a solid kick on the blue bunny’s nose.

Dark Rocket was roaring angrily as he firefly wildly at Adam Warlock as he flew circles around him. Every time the Sovereign got close, however, several blasts from Dark Rocket’s huge gun sent him back on the defensive. Meanwhile, Kraglin and Cosmo were getting ready for a surprise attack.

Kraglin put a hand on Cosmo’s back and said softly, “Okay. . . hold . . . hold. . . hold. .  . NOW!”

Cosmo reached out with her telekinesis, and Dark Rocket found himself briefly hovering off the ground. He sneered and pressed a button on his belt, and Cosmo suddenly fell to the ground and started whining in pain.

“Noise! Noise! Stop the noise!” the dog cried out as the high frequency sound Dark Rocket had activated assaulted her ears.

Furious, Kraglin glared at Dark Rocket and shouted, “Oh, now you just crossed the line!” He whistled loud and hard, and the arrow made a beeline for Dark Rocket’s heart.

Ping!

As the arrow fell away, Dark Rocket appeared annoyed and said, “Don’t you know Vibranium armor when you see it?” He then aimed his gun directly at Kraglin, but was stopped from firing when Adam Warlock finally closed in and tackled him into the ground.

Drax was roaring as Teefs continued to zoom around fast, the mechanical arms still firmly grasping Drax’s shoulders.

“Enough of this!” Drax shouted, and he planted his feet firmly into the ground.

Teefs chuckled and said, “You’re right of course. Say hello to my martial molars!” 

The flattened tips of Teef’s metallic tusks began to glow, revealing themselves to be some type of energy weapons.

Seeing this gave Drax the extra burst of strength he needed. He grabbed Teefs’ sides, and managed to lift the walrus up off the ground.

“What!? Wait! No! Don’t!” Teefs shouted as Drax put his back into it. Drax then pivoted and tossed Teefs against a nearby wall. He struck the wall with a tremendous crash, and his head was tilted back enough so that when twin beams of energy were fired from Teef’s false tusks, they struck the top of the building and caused rubble to rain down upon to incapacitated walrus.

Lylla saw it and was shocked. “No!” she shouted, then she glared at Phyla and said, “Out of the way! Out of the way! You can’t stop me!”

Phyla smiled, “Oh really? Well guess what, I figured out the flaw in your little arms.” Phyla then fired another blast of cosmic energy. Lylla held her arms out to absorb the energy, but Phyla didn’t let up. She strained to keep up the output, pushing herself to her limit as Lylla got visibly more nervous as time went on.

As the tubes and her cables on her arms got brighter and hotter, Lylla nervously stammered out, “No-no-no-no-nononononono!”

BOOM!

Lylla was blown flat onto her back when her arms overloaded.

“Ow,” was all she said as she laid there, defeated.

“GET OFF FLOOR! GET OFF FLOOR!”

Lylla turned her head and saw that Blurp had jumped on top of Floor, and the cyborg rabbit was frantically skittering around trying to get him off.

Lylla just sighed, and then she called out, “Rocket, we are losing!”

“Ya got that right!” Rocket grinned as he planted his boot on Blackjack’s neck.

“I’m not talking to you!” Lylla called out.

Dark Rocket scratched at Adam Warlock’s hand as he was being held tightly by the throat. 

“This all seems quite fitting, as I was created with the sole purpose of catching you, or at least a version of you,” Adam declared as he looked Dark Rocket dead in the eye.

Dark Rocket clenched his teeth, and he croaked out, “Well played. . . Guardians. . .You win. . .this round. . .” He then reached down to his belt and hit a button.

Out of the Rocket Squad’s ship came more sound, but unlike the music that played during their introduction, this sound was pure unadulterated, agonizing shrieking. The Guardians of the Galaxy all fell to the ground, holding their ears and crying out in pain.

Dark Rocket fell to the ground, freed from Adam Warlock’s grasp. He looked around and saw his teammates getting back up. 

“Good to see our selective noise canceling earbuds are working,” he said with a curt nod.

Floor pushed the now squealing Blurp off of her and quickly went over to help Lylla dig Teefs out of the rubble. Meanwhile, Blackjack slowly stood up, shaking as he nursed his injuries he got from his brawl with Rocket.

“Hurry up!” Dark Rocket shouted, “We got seconds before those speakers blow out and the Guardians kill us all. We gotta go NOW!”

Lylla and Floor jumped onto Teefs shoulders, and he rolled them all into the ship. Dark Rocket helped Blackjack to his feet and assisted in his quick limping into the ship. The speakers popped just as the hatch closed and the ship took off. Within seconds, the ship left Knowhere behind and jumped off into the galaxy. 

Rocket stood up and looked around. Overall, his team was okay. Cosmo and Blurp were the most affected by the auditory assault. Also, Nebula was still recovering from the high voltage electric shock she had received but appeared no worse for wear.

Rocket then looked up at where the ship had shot off to. He snarled and said, “Bastards. Making me fight versions of them. That’s just sick. Whoever it was who sent them after us. . . they’re dead. ”

THE ROCKET SQUAD WILL RETURN IN AVENGERS: THE KANG DYNASTY

Chapter Text

My Name is Teefs!

I am the strongest team member

I’ll bowl all you over without even breaking a sweat

With my ultra robotic arms,

And my Martial Molars, yeah!  

I’ll make major tracks all over the battlefield 

The name is Lylla! 

Here comes Princess of Swiftness  

Woah! My speed is unmatched by anyone 

Yes, we are-!

We’ve just arrived, and we’re the most elite warriors in the Multiverse 

Freed from the chains of Counter Earth

We are the Rocket Squad 

Yes, we are-!

We’ll arrive in a flashy way, we’ll show you our awesome fighting pose 

You’d better go on and kneel before our arms made of Vibranium

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Hey there, me name is Floor!

Some call me White Spider

I’m also known as Rocket Squad’s hacker girl

Shall Floor bop you using,

Floor’s signature Bunny Ball?

And by “bop” Floor don’t mean just patting you on the head! 

Blackjack, yeah, that’s what they call me 

I have guns and grenades! 

Woah! I’m full of chaotic, destructive power 

Yes, we are-!

We’ve just arrived, and we’re the most elite warriors in the Multiverse 

We’re the best in the galaxy

The one and only Rocket Squad 

Yes, we are-!

We have just decided on a carrot cake as our afternoon snack 

And we never ever share at all! You no get any! 

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Hey, my name is Rocket!  

The one and only team captain

When fighting me you better give it all you’ve got 

I serve under the mighty Kang

Don’t really give a darn who you are 

All I know is that you all will be dead soon 

OH YEAH! 

You know you should feel honored 

How about now I show you- 

-My gun! Prepare yourself to see my gun of doom!

Yes, we are-!

We’ve just arrived, and we’re the most elite warriors in the Multiverse

I hate trees, though I don’t know why

Maybe cause they don’t talk

Yes, we are-!

We decide when it starts and when it ends, it’s only fair 

Fairness is what we’re are all about, you’d better remember that 

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Yes, we are-!

We’ve just arrived, and we’re the most elite warriors in the Multiverse 

Freed from the chains of Counter Earth

We are the Rocket Squad 

Yes, we are-!

We’ll swoop in out of nowhere, announce ourselves with our power poses

You’d better surrender now, or prepare to lose the fight

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!

Rocket Squad!