Archive of Our Own ^beta

He'd give anything, anything, to get a second chance to love her. To get to start all over and try again. To go back to that first weekend he met her, to rewind the clock and get it right this time. 

Or to go back to that first forced stint in rehab, and take it seriously. To actually get clean. To not get the bright idea to shoot heroin, instead. He'd go back and not cheat. It wasn't worth it. Fuck, it really wasn't worth it. He wants to say he'd never have done it sober. He doesn't know if that's true. It's probably not, he really did think he deserved to have Di and still have sex with random women. He’s that selfish. 

Goodie's always been right, he needs to grow up. 

Gareth feels like maybe he finally is, slowly, unsteadily, but it's just too late to change anything. He feels different inside. He can’t describe it or explain it, but he feels like he’s a different person than he was before. He hopes he’s a better person now. He wants to be better, anyway.

He's going to try. 

He's going to not sleep with anyone else for a while. For as long as he's in love with Di, maybe. He just wants her, even if he can’t ever make it right. He really fucked it up. He broke her heart, he broke his own heart. And he knows he can’t ever fix that completely. It’s just not possible. 

But, fuck, he needs to try.

He stands on her porch, and turns his head as he hears a car. It's a cop car, creeping past. 

Shit. Maybe she's called the cops on his ass. He doesn’t want to get arrested again. Once was enough, and he’s sure Erica would agree and not want to defend him against stalking charges. Especially against Di. She might not even take his side, his lawyer or not.

He touches the front door with his palm. It's cold, too cold, and he pulls his hand back again. 

He wants to go home. But it’s not his home anymore, never really was, he supposes. So, he'll settle for going back to Hawkins. 

He bends over and shakes the snow off Di’s doormat, and puts the box down on it and leaves. He doesn't want to harass her. He wants to see her, desperately, but not if she really doesn't want to see him. Showing up at her door, still bothering her if she just wants him to stay the fuck away from her is a shitty thing to do, he realizes. Add it to the list of shitty things he's done, he supposes. 

He knew this was a long shot, but he had to try. He fucked up so bad, but he loves her. He had to at least take the chance she’d talk to him if she saw him in person. He's terrified he's going to always love her, and never be near her again. This must be his punishment. To be in love with the woman he took for granted, and now it's too late. 

It was a mistake, coming here unannounced. He knows that. It’s why he didn’t tell Eddie and Steve he was doing it, he knows they would have tried to talk him out of it. She won't even answer his calls, so he should have taken the goddamn hint. He's still being selfish. Some things never change, he supposes. 

He gets back in his El Camino. It was a ten hour drive in the shitty weather. He should have flown. But that seemed too easy, a shortcut. 

He can't take any more shortcuts with her. 

If he wants a second chance, he’ll have to put in the time, and work hard to deserve it. A month in rehab is only the first step. The first brick he needed to lay to build up a new foundation. Now, he needs to prove he can stay clean. Prove he doesn’t need to sleep with other women. Prove that he’s not only willing, but able, to love her like she deserves this time.

He takes one last look at her house, her home. What was their home for a couple months. He stares for a long time, and he can almost see her unlocking the front door after that first real date, him hugging her from behind. 

She brought him to where she lives. She had trusted him that much, and had decided to let him in her life, in her bed, her body. And he hates himself for not realizing what they had was probably once in a lifetime. That kind of love, connection, isn't something that happens everyday. He hates himself for throwing it away without understanding what he was truly risking.

He hates himself for a lot of things these days. 

He loved being here with her. Being here felt safe. Cozy. Like he was home with Mama Jones, or at Harrington House. Another home base. Another reprieve from a world that has been asking a lot of him these past few years. Inside her home, he was just Gareth, and she was just Di. 

And they were in love. 

He pulls away from the curb, and looking at the clock on the dash, he should make it back to Hawkins by morning. 

Gareth comes in the door, and toes off his shoes, and Steve looks up to see who is at Harrington House so early. He was already up with the sun doing paperwork, which isn't at all unusual. But any of the rest of them surfacing before noon, that's definitely not normal. 

"Are you guys supposed to be doing something this morning? He's not up," Steve says from the bar stool at the kitchen counter, and Gareth just shakes his head. 

He didn't expect Eddie to be up yet. 

Gareth walks up behind Steve, and wraps his arms around Steve's neck, careful not to waller him too much and fuck up his back. 

Steve rests his hand on Gareth's arm that's around his neck, patting him, as Gareth hugs him from behind. 

"Are you okay?" Steve asks, and Gareth nods, his face pressed into Steve's hair. Steve smells like Steve always does. Clean, with a hint of hairspray. 

It's comforting. 

"I'm okay. I went to Omaha. She didn't answer the door," he says, and Steve rubs his forearm, soothingly. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Me too, for a lot of things." 

Gareth pulls back, and Steve turns to look at him, "Eddie's still in bed, but you can go on up if you want."

Gareth nods, doing just that. Taking the stairs two at a time. He takes off his coat, and his jeans, the cuffs still damp from the snow and crawls in bed with Eddie. 

Eddie rolls onto his back and stretches out his arm, an open invitation. 

Gareth curls up next to him. 

"Hey, kid," Eddie says, sleepy, "you okay?" 

"Yeah," Gareth answers. He'll tell him everything later, once Eddie's really awake. He's too tired now. It's been a long fucking day. 

They wake up later to Goodie and Jeff in the doorway of the bedroom, making a hell of a racket to get them up. 

"We're going sledding! Get your asses up!" Goodie demands, grabbing the comforter that's on top of them and giving it a hard tug, yanking it away and onto the bedroom floor.

Now, Gareth is cold, and a little pissy, but getting out of the house might not be a terrible idea. Anything to take his mind off Di. He reluctantly gets up, and starts digging through Eddie and Steve’s closet, looking for warmer clothes. 

"I'm too old to go sledding," Eddie says, fighting to keep the sheet, but Goodie wins, stripping him of that, too. 

"If you're too old, then I'm too fat, but I’m still going, so c'mon, asshole! You're not even thirty, you're not too old," Goodie says, reaching for Eddie’s ankle, and Eddie kicks at him.  

"Steve said I couldn’t go outside and play today," Eddie says, burying his face under his pillow in protest. 

"That’s funny, I don't remember saying that," Steve says from the doorway. Gareth laughs when Eddie pops his head out from under the pillow to cut Steve a threatening look for daring to betray him in this way. Steve grins, and then keeps walking.

“Fine,” Eddie mutters, crawling out of bed, but clearly unhappy about it. He opens a drawer, and tosses Gareth a pair of long underwear. That is what he’d been looking for. They’re too long, but he’ll shove the ends down in his boots.

“We’ll have to stop by my house to get my boots,” Gareth says, realizing his shoes are all he has over here, and that’s not going to cut it.

“Fine, but hurry up!” Goodie says, heading towards the door, now confident that they’re both up and getting dressed.

“Steve?!” Goodie yells, "Do you have a thermos? Can we have hot chocolate?” Goodie is yelling, as he stomps down the staircase. Gareth can hear his boots hitting each step.

“Coffee!” Eddie screams, and Gareth isn’t sure Steve is even in earshot of any of this.

But when they get downstairs, there are two mismatched thermoses on the counter, one with hot chocolate, and one with coffee. Steve really is the best, and Eddie kisses him to thank him. Steve waves them off, telling them he’ll figure out something for supper. 

Gareth wishes Steve could come with them, he would have, before. But his back just can’t take it right now, and that fucking sucks. 

They stand at the top of Turn Back Hill. It's further down than Gareth remembers, and everyone else must think the same thing, because nobody is moving to go first. Fine, he’ll do it, and Gareth snags one of the plastic sleds. Throws it on the ground, Eddie giving him a gentle push to get started. It’ll be slicker, easier, once they make a path. 

It's cold, but it feels freeing and he really laughs for the first time in a while as he slides down the hill, gaining speed. There’s a little bump under the snow, and he catches air for just a second, and fucking laughs as he tries to hold onto the sled. He hits the ground and keeps sliding, and it’s a rush, but a different one than he’d been getting from heroin. He didn’t think he wanted to get clean, until he really, really fucking did. He had to be ready, and he’s glad Eddie gave him the space to get there on his own. 

He understands now, how once Eddie was ready, he was ready. Because Gareth felt the same, and didn’t want to be in that place anymore. Never wants to be there again. It just took him some time to figure that out, but he guesses that he always needs to do things on his own terms, for better or worse. He’s stubborn, he knows that.

When he makes it to the bottom of the hill, and slides to a stop without hitting any trees, he stands up and waves back at them, urging them to follow him down.

Goodie follows and Gareth snags him by the coat, slowing him down at the bottom, keeping him from going too far and getting hurt. Steve will kill them if they turn back up at Harrington House tonight with broken limbs. 

And they keep doing it, one by one, and then all trudge back up the hill, again and again, until they are all too tired and too cold to do it anymore. It’s been hours, approaching early evening, and Gareth feels exhausted, but in a good way. A really good way. 

A group of kids showed up a while ago, and Eddie has been helping them figure out the best way to do this. They just had some cardboard, no actual sleds, so Eddie gave them his sled, and the rest of them followed his lead. They were done anyway, too tired to continue much longer. 

The kids are vying for Eddie's undivided attention, and Gareth knows that feeling all too well. He's been there, done that. They shouted their names at Eddie, and maybe Eddie will remember them, but Gareth won't. He thinks he's already forgotten. Brent? Bret? Gareth isn't sure.

But Eddie encourages the kids, all of them, because he’s good with them, always has been. Hell, he was good with Gareth, back when he was one, Gareth remembers. He must be tired, because he feels the sudden urge to cry at how lucky he is to have Eddie. To have always had Eddie. 

He pulls it together before he embarrasses himself. 

This has been fun, and he’s glad they did it. That they did something fun together, something that has nothing to do with the music business or this adult life that he’s desperately trying to learn to navigate. He just turned twenty-five last month. Now he feels a hundred.

“This was fun, you had a good idea, even if your invitation to join you was lacking,” Gareth says, and he hugs Goodie, and Goodie hugs him back awkwardly for a second, before pushing him away. 

“It was all Jeff’s idea,” Goodie deflects. 

“I’ll take a hug, I’m cold,” Jeff says, and Gareth lunges at him, hugging him hard, as they both laugh.

Eventually a dad comes to collect the kids. Eddie tells him that they gave them the sleds, and they can keep them, if they want. None of them have a problem with that. They can buy a million sleds between the four of them. The dad looks at them kind of funny, “Are you-?”

“Overgrown kids?” Eddie asks, “Yes, yes we are.”

“No, Wayne Munson’s kid?” the guy eventually asks.

“I am,” Eddie says with a smile, “you know Wayne?”

He nods, and smiles, “I worked with him out at the plant for several years.”

Eddie grins, because he loves Wayne, “Gruff old ass, isn’t he?” Eddie asks.

And the guy laughs, “No, he’s great.”

“He is, he’s the best,” Eddie agrees, and waves as the guy wrangles the kids, and leaves.

Gareth isn’t sure if the guy knew who they were, beyond being Wayne’s kids, and honestly, he’s okay with that. Hawkins is home, and it’s nice to be back.

“I can’t feel my fingers, let’s go home, too,” Jeff says, and they all nod in agreement. They walk back towards where they parked.

They get to the pickup, get in, and turn on the heat, full blast.

Back at Harrington House, there's a big pot of chili on the stove and cinnamon rolls on the counter. 

Gareth kisses Steve on the cheek, repeatedly, but careful to not hang on him, "I'm single now, you know? Maybe I could lure you away from Eddie," he teases. “I don’t know how to have sex with a man, but I could learn.”

Steve laughs, and swats him away, "I think I'll pass." 

"Story of my life," Gareth mutters, and Eddie comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around Gareth's neck, tight, pressing up against him, choking him a little.

"You better watch yourself, kid, I’ll end you."

Gareth laughs, letting Eddie manhandle and wrestle him all around the kitchen. 

"Go take a shower, all of you, and change into dry clothes, you’re making a mess in my kitchen," Steve insists, and they all head for the different bathrooms. 

There are only three, so Gareth showers and talks to Eddie as Eddie sits on the counter in the master bathroom, waiting his turn. Eddie must really feel sorry for him, since he let him go first with no fight.

"I went to Omaha. She didn't come to the door," Gareth says, finally getting to talk to Eddie, "I mean, I don't blame her. But I really hoped that maybe she would, you know? That we could talk, even if she didn’t want to give me another chance or anything. I just want to see her. I miss her." 

"I know you do," Eddie says, "But it's still pretty fresh. Give her some time, and some space. Maybe then you can try to reach out." 

"I guess," Gareth mumbles. 

When he gets out of the shower, he gets dressed into dry clothes, and then picks up their pile of wet, dirty clothes and takes them to the washing machine. Goodie and Jeff’s stuff is already in there, so Gareth adds theirs, and then starts the load. 

When Eddie resurfaces, clean and dry, Steve holds out bowls for the both of them, Goodie and Jeff already standing at the stove filling theirs. 

They all sit at the table at Harrington House, and it feels like the old days at Reefer Rick's. 

"These cinnamon rolls are really good," Gareth says, dipping his third one into his chili. He didn’t realize he was starving, but he’s not sure when he ate last. Maybe before he left for Omaha. He doesn’t remember stopping anywhere on the way there, or the way back.

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Steve asks, exasperated. "They are frozen. I let them rise, and then I baked them. The end." 

"Well they got frosted at some point," Gareth says. 

"Yes, all that hard work of squeezing frosting from a baggie action. I deserve a Michelin star." 

Gareth doesn't care, they are fucking good. Steve might not cook from scratch like his mom does, but he's definitely good at what he knows how to do. That's not nothing. 

Goodie has a stack of peanut butter sandwiches next to his bowl, cut into triangles, and Gareth isn't sure how Steve remembers everything about all of them. He has a memory like a damn elephant. 

"That was fun," Jeff says, "we should do things like that more often, just the four of us." 

"We should," Eddie agrees. "We're going to be home for a while. We'll finally have some time." 

“Make a list, things we haven’t done in a while that we want to do before we hit the road again," Jeff says. 

“Let’s see if we can play The Hideout,” Gareth suggests.

“I’m sure we can do that,” Eddie says. 

“I saw they are opening a new coaster at Kentucky Kingdom in the spring,” Jeff says, “let’s go ride that.”

“No fucking thanks,” Goodie says, and Jeff had to know that would be his reaction. 

They all laugh, and start throwing out other ideas. Anything they can think of, anything that might be fun. 

Gareth is determined for next year to be fun, in a good way. A healthy way. Even if he can’t fix things with Di, he wants to fix things with himself. With his friends. He wants to grow up. He’s finally ready.

They pile into the living room after they eat, and put on a movie, but Gareth lays his head on Eddie’s shoulder and falls asleep before he’s even sure what they decided to watch.

When he wakes up, Eddie is gone, but he's leaning against Goodie. Goodie is flipping through a guitar magazine in the darkened room. 

Gareth lifts his head, "Where's everyone else?" 

"Bed," Goodie says. 

Gareth nods, and puts his head back on Goodie's shoulder. 

"Eddie said she didn't talk to you, that sucks," Goodie says, and Gareth feels the tears burn his eyes. 

"She shouldn't talk to me," Gareth admits, "but I still want her to." 

"She will," Goodie says. 

"I don't think so," Gareth says, and he thinks that's true. She won't. She's done with him, as hard as that is to accept. He really lost her. 

"She will. She loves you, for some stupid reason," Goodie says dryly, and it makes Gareth laugh.

"Yeah, well. That's the only character flaw she has, then." 

Goodie laughs, "Yeah, I should have hit on her first that night. Saved her from you." 

Gareth hits him on the thigh, "She's not even your type." 

"Funny, smart, cute. Yeah, that's nobody else's type. Just yours," Goodie says, drolly. 

Gareth smiles, "Yeah, well." 

"She'll take your stupid ass back someday. Mark my words. Just give her some time." 

Gareth doesn't think that's true, not anymore. He really fucked this up. 

"Keep groveling. Be good. Keep loving her. She'll forgive you." 

"I don't think so," Gareth says. "She shouldn't." 

"No, she shouldn't. But she will," Goodie says, like he's sure. Gareth wishes he was that sure. 

"Seems unlikely." 

"She's going to be your wife someday, trust me." 

"Yeah, okay, sure." 

"She'll marry you. I'll tell her not to, of course, but she still will," Goodie says, and Gareth grins. 

"If she marries me you can be the best man," Gareth says. 

Goodie laughs, "Eddie might not like that idea. Eddie will be yours, you'll be Eddie's. Jeff's mine, I'm Jeff's. That's just the way it is. But I'll be there, monkey suit and all." 

"Thanks, Goods." He can't imagine them all getting married, except Eddie. Eddie's basically already married. 

"Eddie will go first," Gareth says, "not me." 

Eddie goes first for most things. He's just braver than the rest of them. 

"Probably, and won't that be a boring bachelor party with you two teetotallers?" 

Gareth laughs, "Maybe we'll go skydiving. Liven it up." 

Goodie laughs, "That's one way to keep me at home." 

"I don't want you to stay home," Gareth says, softly. 

Goodie just makes an uninterested sound, and Gareth closes his eyes again, laying against him. Maybe he will get to marry Diana someday. Maybe not. But he'll just keep loving her and hope for the best. 

"You can name your firstborn after me, as repayment for this excruciating pep talk."

"I do like Charles," Gareth says. 

"Fuck you, asshole." 

Gareth laughs, smiling against Goodie's arm. 

"You expect me to name a kid Goodie? You really want there to be two of you?" 

"Yup."

"We'll see," Gareth says, yawning, "You better name yours Gareth, then." 

"I'm not having kids, are you crazy? I had to help raise you, that was more than enough for me," Goodie snaps, and Gareth just laughs with his eyes closed, slowly dozing back off. 

He probably won't have any kids either. 

Gareth gets both girls out of their car seats, and into the double stroller. It's a job. Di offered to come along, but he just told her that he had a field trip, just for the girls. 

She just said to tell Eddie hi. 

Which isn't wrong, that's his next stop. 

Gareth pushes them along the grassy path, and it's a bit of an uneven, bumpy ride. Neither seem to care. 

He stops in front of Goodie and Jeff's graves, side by side. He doesn't come here often. He doesn't think they are here, doesn't think they are anywhere, so he feels foolish talking to rocks. 

He squats down and brushes the dead grass from the concrete slab at the bottom. 

It's still really cold out, but he's wrapped the girls in blankets, hats. No coats. Di has taught him that's a no-go with the car seats. 

He looks back at the gravestones. 

"Happy birthday," he says, and feels stupid. 

But he came for a reason. 

He picks up Gracie, and squats down, like he's showing her to the headstone. Maybe it's less crazy to think of it as if he's showing the headstone to her. 

"Bet you thought I forgot," Gareth finally says, "but I finally did have kids. It took a while. We've got girls. Two. Twins. Not identical. Because Di's old ovaries said fuck it, you've waited this long, you better have two eggs at once. Her words, not mine. Anyway. This one is Gracie. She's just a little older than her sister, Lillie. Kinda like you and Jeff. But naming her Goodie seemed a little too mean. So I hope Gracie is close enough to make good on our deal."

Goodie doesn't answer, of course. So Gareth moves on and tells Jeff he wasn't left out. 

And he doesn't know what else to say. They aren't here. So he just looks at the headstone. It says C. "Goodie" Goodwin. 

They didn't call him Charles in life, and nobody wanted to call him that in death, either. 

"Gareth?" And he just about jumps out of his skin. He whips his head around. 

It's Lana. 

Of course she's here today, it's Goodie's birthday. 

"Hi," he says, standing to face her like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't be. 

That's stupid. 

He hugs Gracie to his body. 

She reaches down and picks up Lillie out of the stroller, wrapping the blanket around her tighter. 

"It's cold out here, too cold for babies," she says. She's still a mom, even if her only child died. 

"I know, we've only been here a few minutes. I just wanted…I don't know, it's stupid." 

"It's not," she says, softly. Then asks, "Where's Diana?" 

And he smiles. He's proud of himself that Di trusts him to leave the house with their babies, all by himself. 

"Taking a nap, or a shower. Reading a book? Something by herself that she wants to do, I hope," he says. 

She laughs, "You're a good dad, honey." 

He hopes so. 

So, he tells her why he's out here in the cold, two babies in tow. 

"We had a deal. If I married Di, and had kids, I'd name my first born after him. I hope Gracie is close enough." 

She smiles, "It is." 

"You know, Charlotte was in the running. Charlie. I think he'd have hated that. So, I almost did it," he says, grinning at her. 

"He would have hated it," she agrees, smiling back. "But he would have found it funny. He was so funny," she says. 

Gareth nods, "He was." 

They talk for a few minutes, and then she helps get the girls back in the stroller. He hugs her. Not wanting to let go. 

"I miss them," he says. 

"Me too," she says, "bring those babies to see us." 

"We will," he promises. 

"Tell Eddie hi," she says. 

"I will, I'm headed there now." 

"I figured," she says. 

He waves and leaves her alone. He always knew losing a child must have been hard. But he didn't understand, not fully, until the girls arrived. He's only had them for three months. And he already knows twenty-seven years wouldn't be enough. 

Gareth gets them in their car seats, and gets the stroller loaded in the back. A few minutes later he's pulling into the garage at Harrington House. 

Steve is coming down the steps into the garage, "He's in the studio, so I get first dibs on our girls," Steve says with glee, reaching in to unsnap Lillie, picking her up, carrying her carrier into the house. 

"He's been talking to Frankie on and off all day, making plans for Mud to come to town," Steve adds.

"You're letting Eddie do that? That sounds like a Steve job," Gareth teases. 

"I don't know shit about that studio or The Hot Box." 

Gareth nods, closing the door to the kitchen behind them. 

"Eddie's been checking into putting AC in the The Hot Box for you guys," Steve says, and Gareth gapes. 

Absolutely not. It's called The Hot Box for a reason. If Mud wants to come play in their sandbox, they'll have to go old school. 

"Well, we're not doing that," Gareth says, "It'll ruin the magic." 

"Take it up with him," Steve says, clearly not getting in the middle of this. 

They don't need AC right now anyway. It's still in the teens outside. 

Gareth puts Gracie on the ground and squats down to unbuckle her. 

Steve puts Lillie down on the counter, to do the same. 

Gareth knows he's not supposed to do that, but Steve can't squat down as easily as Gareth can. And Steve definitely isn't going to let anything happen to her, so Gareth says nothing about it. 

"Are you still taking me to the doctor tomorrow? I'm getting snipped, as you'll remember. Don't you feel sorry for me?" 

"I'll send you home with some frozen peas," Steve says, flippant, but he turns and smiles. "And yes, we're taking you." 

"Um, we're? Do you have a toad in your pocket? I don't recall asking Eddie. I think I asked you. You know, the one who drives." 

"Oh, we're a package deal. Plus, he thinks he's going into the procedure room with you." 

"He is not doing that!" Gareth barks out, laughing. That's absurd. 

"You'll have to tell him that then," Steve says. "He thinks he's helping." 

"Good god, I'm going to have to let him watch me get my junk snipped, aren't I?" 

"Probably be the path of least resistance," Steve says, making faces at Lillie as he holds her, making her smile as she gurgles at him, lapping up his attention. 

"Are you gonna watch, too? Should I ask for a room with stadium seating?" 

"Pass. I've seen your balls enough for one lifetime, thanks." 

"When have you ever seen my balls?" Gareth asks, laughing. 

"Well, the most memorable time was in Texas. '92? '93? Whenever it was, it was that hot venue." 

"What hot venue?" Gareth asks, confused. 

"The oven you guys played in and we all almost died, except for you, who instead had sex for us all to see!" Steve says, exasperated. 

"You're making that up!" Gareth says back. None of that is true. 

"Ask Eddie. He nearly killed you that night. He'll remember." 

"I don't remember any of that. Was it Di?" 

"It definitely wasn't Di. I think it was before you met Di. It was one of your other thousand." 

Gareth chuckles at that mental image, "I didn't sleep with a thousand women."

"My math says you did." 

"Your math is wrong, then. First time for everything, I suppose. About three hundred is my best guess." 

Steve looks at him like he's full of shit. "Three hundred is one a week. Are you going to sit here and bullshit me that you only fucked one girl a week?" 

Gareth shrugs. Okay, most weeks it was more than one. Two or three. Four, if his luck was good. "Fine, two a week." 

"Congrats, you've doubled it to six hundred. Three a week, and you've got nine."

That can't be true.

"Why were you doing the math on this?!" Gareth asks instead. That's too much, even for Steve. 

"Di asked," Steve says easily, like he didn't just lob a grenade at him. 

"You…you told her that?" 

"She asked. She wasn't surprised," Steve says, kissing Lillie on the cheek. 

"This is a horrible conversation to have in front of the girls," Gareth says, covering Gracie's ears. 

"I don't think they are processing that kind of information yet," Steve says. 

"Do you want me to tell you how many men Eddie's slept with?" Gareth threatens. 

"Sure, go ahead," Steve says, unbothered. 

Goddamn him all to hell. 

"I still don't remember a hot show," Gareth says, petulantly. 

"Oh my god, it was the hottest venue we ever played. It was miserable." 

Gareth shrugs. 

"Nevermind. Are you feeling good about getting snipped?" Steve asks, checking in. 

"Yeah. Better to do it now before they're crawling, and before the rest of Mud gets here. I don't think a drum stool will be the best option right at first." 

Steve laughs. 

"Are you nervous?" Steve asks. 

"Yeah, of course, but I'll do it." 

Steve nods, holding Lillie to his chest. 

"I think Di was having second thoughts," Gareth says. 

"She might want more?" Steve asks. 

"God no," Gareth laughs, then looks down, "No, I think she was worrying herself that if I take the risk of getting someone pregnant off the table, that I might start cheating again." 

"Oh," Steve says. Then he looks at Gareth, "You're not gonna, right?"

"Jesus Christ, no."

"She's probably just worried that having these little ladies," Steve says looking at Lillie, engaging her in the conversation, "Yes, you," before turning back to Gareth, "is gonna make it harder to keep you, I don't know, fulfilled? Keep you happy with less attention from her. Her focus is split now, it can't all be about you."

Gareth just looks at him, he knows that, and he's plenty fulfilled.

"Did she say that to you?" Gareth asks. 

Steve just looks at him, so that's a yes then, "Just make sure she knows how happy you are, right now, with this new part of your lives. Okay?"

"Okay," Gareth says, "and for the record, I'm very happy." 

"I know you are," Steve says. 

"Thanks for the insight, it probably won't hurt to bring it up with Jan in session, now that I know it's something Di's actually scared about." 

Steve nods. 

This is ongoing, this fear he's saddled her with. He did this to her, and he can't fix it. He's tried. So he just stays the course, keeps proving he won't do it again. Not now, not ever. She trusts him, but she can't blindly trust him ever again. She's forgiven him. But she can't forget. 

And that's on him. 

The next day, Gareth lays back, naked from the waist down and just like he was threatened with, Eddie is right there, watching. 

Maybe he shouldn't have turned down the Valium. Being a little relaxed and floaty for this wouldn't be so bad. 

Eddie's eyes are wide. It doesn't hurt, just tugs, but Eddie looks horrified. 

"Still glad you invited yourself to watch this happen?" Gareth asks, looking at Eddie. 

"I…do you know what he's doing down there?"

"No, I just wandered in here off the street. Am I not getting a pedicure?" Gareth asks, very sarcastically. Eddie's being ridiculous. Of course Gareth knows what's happening. He’d rather not think about it, but he knows.

"Things that are supposed to be inside are now on the outside," Eddie whispers. 

"Keep it up and I'll have him do you next," Gareth says. 

"I probably have time," the urologist teases, and Gareth laughs. 

Eddie crosses his legs. 

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass," Eddie says. "Last I checked, my husband can't get pregnant." 

The doctor laughs. 

"Thanks for bringing entertainment, it has made for a good start to the day," the doctor says to Gareth. 

"Glad to be of service," Gareth says. This really hasn't been so bad. 

"Is this the first time you've had an audience?" Eddie asks. 

"No," he says, "but it is a first that it's not the partner, I think." 

"I'm his partner, just not like that," Eddie says, and walks up to the head of the bed and takes Gareth's hand. 

Even if he's being ridiculous, Gareth's glad Eddie came with him, since Di couldn't. It was nice to have company, and seeing him be grossed out was definitely worth it. 

"Do you know what they did to him?" Eddie asks Steve as they all walk towards the car. 

Steve ignores this line of questioning.

Once they get there, Gareth gets his rolled up towel to put under his junk, and Steve hands him a bag of ice wrapped in another towel.

"Thanks," Gareth says. He knew asking Steve to take him was the way to go. Eddie also being here, well, that’s just an unintended consequence. 

Eddie is still talking, "...and then the doctor pulled it out, and cut it."

"Eddie, please. We all know what they did," Steve says. 

"And Gare didn't even flinch. He didn't take the pill, remember?" Eddie crows, like he thinks Gareth just opted out of all the drugs. For a vasectomy. Yeah fucking right. He just didn’t take the Valium. He’d rather be a little anxious about the procedure than put anything he might like a little too much into his body.

"The doc still numbed it, dumbass. They didn't just raw dog surgery on my nuts," Gareth says, ready to get home. 

"Oh. That makes sense. Well, now you can raw dog Di." 

"Not until I pass the sperm count test in a few months. Are you coming to that, too? Gonna help me jack off into a cup?" 

Eddie laughs, "I'll pass. I think you can do that on your own." 

Gareth shakes his head. This was a weird morning. 

He settles on the couch at home, with some frozen peas on his junk, as Eddie prances around, telling Di all about it. Gareth holds out his arms, and Di hands him a sleeping baby. He looks to see which one, and it's Lillie. He tucks her into his elbow, and watches Eddie carrying on. Performing.

Finally, after he’s exhausted the topic, Eddie lowers himself down onto his knees, leaning over to look at Lillie, "It's a shame we won't have more babies, though." 

"Yes, we all did so much to have these two, " Di says, teasing Eddie. 

Eddie smiles at her, "You know what I mean."

"I do," she says, smiling back. "But let's just enjoy the two we've got. I'm not risking these old ovaries giving me triplets next time." 

"Oh my god," Gareth says, horrified at the prospect. "I never thought about triplets. I’m glad we've stopped while we're ahead." 

"Let me hold her, you're recovering," Eddie insists, holding out his hands for Lillie. 

"My arms are fine, the last I checked. Believe it or not, my scrotum isn't in my elbow," he snarks, but still hands her over. Eddie turns and sits on the floor, leaning against the couch, and Gareth's leg, whispering to Lillie. He has his knees up, her sleeping against them, as Eddie leans close to her face, probably telling her all about the vasectomy, too. 

They can handle twins, because they've got four sets of hands. 

Eddie and Steve are here, invested, always ready to help. Gareth thinks they are more than uncles. He's not religious, or maybe he’d say godparents. He’s not sure what they are, not exactly, but they are family, that’s for damn sure. Gareth’s fear that the babies would drive some sort of wedge between them, changing things, was clearly unfounded. 

It’s changed things, but only for the better.

Eddie promised he wasn’t going anywhere, and he clearly meant it.

Gareth looks down, and nudges Eddie’s shoulder with his leg. Eddie looks up to see what he wants. Gareth just smiles down at him, that’s all he wanted. 

Eddie smiles back.