Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Stan was pretty sure his heart had never dropped as quickly as it did when they first crossed Florida’s state border.

It was pretty early, and whilst he wasn’t exactly asleep, he had been dozily, and quite happily, daydreaming about nothing in particular. Someone’s music was playing on low and Kenny was visible in Stan’s periphery. It was nice.

But then the big sign welcoming them to Florida came into view and the atmosphere changed. Stan didn’t actually see it at first, but he did see Kenny straighten up and drop his foot from the dash. Then Cartman did the same beside him, and finally Stan looked out the window.

Instantly he felt sick. He wasn’t ready.

"Well. Almost there now," Kyle said quietly, breaking the tense silence that fell over them.

Kenny whistled lowly and leant back in his seat. "Yep." He turned to look at Stan in the back. "You okay?"

Stan exhaled and met his gaze. "Yeah. I’m okay."

He wasn’t. He wondered if Kenny could tell or if he was doing a good job at hiding it. That had never really been his forte.

"Are you sure?" Kenny pressed, proving the point.

"Yeah."

Kenny dropped it and faced the front again, but Stan got the impression that it wasn’t because he believed him, but rather because nobody in the car was really okay.

They made it to Miami, and their last motel, by the evening. Kyle had left room on their itinerary for a full day, their last day, before they had to go to the airport, but this still felt like the end. Stan knew he wasn’t the only one feeling it because everyone was largely and uncharacteristically silent as they got checked in.

Stan wasn’t really sure he slept that night either. If he did, it was very broken, and he didn’t remember much until Kenny burst into his and Kyle’s room in the morning. Stan blinked and sat up groggily as Kenny threw the blinds back, then launched himself onto Kyle’s bed.

"Get up, get up, get up," he chittered, shaking Kyle by the shoulders until he awoke with a start.

"Jesus Christ! What’s your issue Kenny, is the world fucking ending or something?" he demanded.

Kenny sat back and grinned. "My dudes, we are in the sunshine state! We’ve gotta make the most of it! Miami is awesome!"

"I didn’t realise you were so passionate about it," Kyle said dryly. He shoved Kenny to the side  and sat up. "Also it’s like… seven in the morning."

Stan looked at the clock and groaned when he saw Kyle was right. Kenny, however, didn’t seem to see the problem with that. "Where is your joie de vivre?"

"Look, dude, I think it’s just… We’re all kinda feeling a bit meh today. Cause of…" Stan swallowed and finished his sentence with a vague gesture.

Kenny jumped over to his bed and grabbed his hands. "All the more reason we need to make the most of it okay? Please?"

Stan sighed and let Kenny pull him to his feet. He couldn’t say no to him anymore. "Okay. Okay fine, what have you got planned?"

Kenny grinned. "How do you feel about alligators?"

"Positively, duh."

"I knew you’d say that." He spun on his heel and gestured in a rousing sort of way. "Everglades baby!"

Kyle didn’t look impressed. "Have you started drinking already?"

"No. This is my natural happy go lucky self, you just haven’t seen him in a while. Now chop chop!" Kenny clapped his hands together. "Get dressed and meet me outside in fifteen minutes. I’ve gotta get dough boy up."

"Good luck with that," Stan scoffed.

Kenny shot him a little salute and was out the door. Kyle groaned and rubbed his eyes. "And there goes Hurricane Kenneth," he mumbled. "Would it be wrong of me to say I wish he was still being pissy?"

"Yes it would. And you don’t."

Kyle sighed. "True." He got out up and stretched his arms over his head. "Okay. Let’s go spend some time in a swamp."

~*~

Kenny’s perkiness turned out to be contagious, and Stan was in a pretty good mood by the time they got to the Everglades. The sun was shining, he was with his friends, and, above all, he was about to see some alligators.

He didn’t flatter himself by thinking Kenny planned this just for him, but he obviously knew Stan would enjoy it. Pretty much anything with animals was a yes from him; except aquariums. They were cruel and unethical, and he’d stand by that for the rest of his life.

The heat turned to humidity out on the water, and Kyle’s complaining about his hair almost put a dent into Stan’s spirit, but then Kenny grabbed his arm and pointed.

"Stan look," he hissed. "There’s a whole herd."

"Congregation," Stan corrected. A year or two ago he’d gone down an internet rabbit hole about names for animal groups, and for some reason it had really stuck.

"Whatever just look!

Stan leant forward and sure enough, there was a group of four or five alligators watching them. A few of them seemed smaller; babies maybe.

Kyle grinned. "They’re kind of cute."

"Kenny that one keeps staring at you," Cartman snickering, nudging him. "I think he wants to eat you."

Kenny looked at him. "Shut up no he doesn’t."

"He so does, he thinks you look delicious."

Kenny swallowed. "Uh… No. People don’t just get eaten by alligators. I don’t think so."

Cartman grinned. "But if it was gonna happen to anyone…"

"It would be me," Kenny concluded sourly. "I know."

"You’ll be fine," Stan promised. "We won’t let you get eaten."

"I appreciate the sentiment but none of us could beat an alligator in a fight if it came down to it."

Cartman scoffed. "I totally could."

"As if, fatass," Kyle said. "In fact he probably wants to eat you, you’re a much more substantial meal than Kenny is. He’s all skin and bones. No offence."

"No, none taken."

"But Cartman’s all fat. He’d be chewy," Stan mused.

Cartman made an affronted noise. "I’m big boned!"

Kenny snorted. "A classic line. Haven’t heard that one in a while, actually, I was starting to miss it."

"Maybe when the alligator eats all the flesh we can see his skeleton and find out the real truth," Kyle suggested.

Stan nodded. "Yes that sounds like a good plan."

Kenny grinned toothily and leant back. "If we work together we can probably throw him in."

"You guys suck," Cartman stated, as if it were fact.

"Yeah, we do."

Neither Kenny nor Cartman were eaten by an alligator before their tour was over, and they all made it to solid land in one piece, only for Stan to be hit by a wave of emotion as he remembered all over again that this was their last day.

He trailed behind as Kenny walked them towards their next destination with a genuine pep in his step, and realised with a pang that he was running out of time.

If he was going to tell Kenny everything, tell him the truth, it would have to be today.

~*~

Suddenly Stan’s day turned into just waiting for the perfect opportunity to spill his guts to Kenny, but it never came. He thought about doing it when they got lunch, then again when they went to the arcade and Kenny beat some kid’s DDR high score, and even when they stopped for a smoke break outside a public restroom. But it just never felt right. Stan wasn’t sure what was missing, but every time he’d open his mouth the words would stick in his throat and he’d just know it wasn’t meant to be.

The day was winding down too. Kyle had gone online and found a nearby Mexican restaurant and booked a table for the four of them, and they were back at the motel to get changed before heading there. Kyle had already gone to get the car, so Stan flicked the lights off and opened the door, only to come face to face with Kenny. His eyes were wide and his fist was raised like he’d been just about to knock.

Was that a sign Stan should do it now? That Kenny had wanted to talk to him too? Probably not.

"Hey dude," Stan said mildly.

Kenny cracked a grin. "Hi." He sounded slightly out of breath for some reason.

Stan stepped outside and shut the door behind him. He smiled at Kenny and locked the door, then started towards the car park. He expected Kenny to follow him, but he wrapped a cold hand around Stan’s wrist instead.

"Wait Stan I need to tell you something," Kenny said. He swallowed and dropped Stan’s wrist, then massaged his knuckles in the way he always did when he was nervous about something.

"Yeah anything," Stan said quietly. Kenny was clearly worried and it was making his anxiety spike by proxy.

Kenny looked up at him and opened his mouth, then closed it again. "I um…" He cut himself off again and ran a hand down his face. "So basically I just like—"

"Ken you’re kind of scaring me, what’s wrong?" Stan asked with newfound urgency.

"No nothing’s wrong," Kenny said hurriedly. He took a deep breath. "I just have something I need to, like, get off my chest okay?"

Stan nodded. "Okay… Like what?"

"Guys can you hurry up we’ve got a reservation!" Kyle yelled from about twenty feet away.

Stan startled and turned around. "Okay!" he shouted back, then faced Kenny again. "What is it? Tell me, quick."

Kenny held his gaze for a moment, then smiled and shook his head. "Just that I, um… I don’t really have money for dinner tonight so you know…"

Stan exhaled softly. "Oh. Oh dude I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying or something."

Kenny laughed weakly as Stan ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry."

"No it’s cool. You just really know how to scare a guy. I’ll cover you for dinner, you know that."

"Thanks," Kenny mumbled.

"Of course."

It was weird of Kenny to ask. Normally he’d just lie and say he wasn’t hungry, or order a side salad and water or something. Stan wasn’t sure if he was glad that he did, if that showed improvement or if he was hiding something.

Kenny smiled slightly and pointed in Kyle’s direction. "Yeah so… We should go."

Stan nodded. "Oh, yeah. Definitely. Are you sure there’s nothing else you wanted to say?"

Kenny shook his head and walked off. "Nope."

Stan watched him for a moment, unable to shake the feeling he was lying.

~*~

After dinner, they arrived back at the motel and Kyle and Cartman both went straight to their rooms. Kenny, however, turned to Stan with a big smile and a glint in his eye.

"We can’t go to Miami and not go to the beach," he said plainly.

Stan sort of hated the beach. He found that every time he’d ever gone, which wasn’t frequently admittedly, he’d found sand in various places for weeks afterwards. But he just nodded because it was Kenny, who Stan was pretty sure had never seen the ocean before, who suggested it. They arrived by the time the sun was setting over the Atlantic, and Stan couldn’t help but look over at Kenny. The pink light hit his features just right, and Stan’s mouth filled up with saliva. He swallowed it and let Kenny drag him down to sit on the soft sand.

"Hell of a view," Kenny commented.

Stan looked at him. "Yeah."

Kenny kept his gaze fixed on the ocean. "Today’s been a good day."

"It has been," Stan agreed. "The alligators were cool."

"I knew you’d like that."

"Who wouldn’t?"

"I guess. But you like animals. You’re very caring in that way."

Stan smiled and felt his cheeks grow warm. "I do, yeah. Thanks I guess."

"You’re welcome."

Stan swallowed and watched Kenny for a moment more as he tied his hair up. Stan almost gasped when he pulled it away, revealing his neck, like he was some sort of Victorian era gentleman or maybe a vampire. He tied it in a ponytail that swished about at his jawline when he moved his head.

For some reason Stan decided it was now or never. He changed his position so he was facing Kenny directly, his heart attempting to break free from his rib cage, and cleared his throat purposefully. "Can I ask you something I’ve been thinking about all summer?"

Kenny finally looked at him, in what felt like slow motion, all wide eyed and smiley. "Of course you can."

Stan inhaled and his breath got stuck in his throat, along with the words he wanted to say. His pulse rushed in his ears threatening to deafen him, and he realised he couldn’t do it. Kenny looked so happy, all sun kissed and golden and light, and Stan couldn’t bring himself to ruin that with a question that had no good answer. Whether Kenny said yes or no, he was still going home tomorrow.

He exhaled and said the first thing that came into his head. "Did you um… Did you really sleep with Cartman’s mom?"

It was probably just a trick of the light, or maybe some masochistic wishful thinking, but Kenny looked disappointed for a second. "No. I do think she’s super hot, but I also think that would actually be really weird," he admitted. The he grinned. "Why, were you jealous?"

"Yes deeply," Stan drawled.

Kenny laughed and knocked their shoulders together. "Don’t worry. Pretty soon I’ll be the jealous one, when you have brand new much cooler Florida friends."

"I’m not going to meet anyone cooler than you," Stan said sincerely. "I don’t think that’s possible."

For the longest time, Kenny had been the epitome of cool in South Park. He smoked cigarettes and weed, he was a fun drunk not a sad drunk, and rumour had it he was the first boy to have sex in their grade. Kenny had never denied that one, so Stan assumed it to be true.

"Don’t be like that," Kenny said. "You’re gonna be fine. You’ll forget all about me and dusty old South Park in no time."

"I’m serious. Nobody here is gonna know me like you do."

Kenny swallowed and forced a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. "Do you promise?"

Stan took his hand and linked their pinkies together. "I promise."

Kenny held his gaze with an intensity that was almost vertigo inducing. Stan had to break away and he shoved his hands in his pockets. His left hand brushed against something plastic and he suddenly remembered something.

"Oh. I got you something actually." Stan pulled a little plastic baggie out of his pocket. "Tegridy’s Summer Special."

He’d stolen it from his dad before they left. Randy probably wouldn’t notice, but Stan knew he’d be too far away for him to do anything by the time he ever would.

Kenny grinned. "I didn’t know you do drugs."

"I don’t. But I’m gonna let you get me high for then first time. That’s my gift to you before we depart."

Kenny put a hand on his heart. "I might just cry."

"Please don’t that would make me super uncomfortable."

Kenny rolled his eyes. "You’re the one who gets choked up even thinking about Marley and Me."

Stan pointed at him seriously. "They loved each other so much and—"

"Yeah yeah. Gimme."

Kenny took the baggie and looked at it curiously. Stan wasn’t really sure what he was looking for, all weed looked the same to him. At any rate, Kenny seemed pleased.

Stan watched him prepare a joint, just as he’d done many times before. Kenny had started smoking cigarettes in ninth grade and weed in tenth. Stan only really started smoking to spend time with him, but he’d always had enough willpower to stay away from cannabis, purely out of spite. He refused to engage in the thing that tore his family apart.

But now he wanted to, because he knew Kenny would make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.

"Here," Kenny held the rolled joint out to Stan. "Just light it like a cigarette."

Stan nodded and took the joint, then pulled his lighter from his pocket. He lit it after a few tries, and looked up at Kenny expectantly. "What now?"

Kenny grinned. "You smoke it dumbass."

"Oh. Right."

Stan stuck it between his lips and hesitated before inhaling deeply. He held it for a moment then exhaled, and Kenny watched him through the smoke with an indescribable expression on his face; it almost looked like awe, but Stan couldn’t tell.

Stan held the joint out. "Your turn," he prompted.

Kenny accepted and maintained eye contact as he placed it between his lips, took a drag, then passed it back. After the second hit Stan started feeling it. It was like being underwater, a feeling of weightlessness that numbed stress he hadn’t even realised he’d been feeling until it was gone.

And then there was Kenny. He was smiling like the Cheshire Cat, head angled to the side and gaze fixed on Stan in a way that made him feel like the most fascinating thing in the world. He felt special, worth looking at. He was pretty sure that wasn’t the weed. It was all Kenny, and those damn eyes of his; or, at least, mostly it was.

Kenny leant in and Stan saw his pupils were blown wide. "Wanna shotgun?" he whispered.

Stan swallowed. He’d seen Kenny do it before at parties and stuff, mostly with Craig who was really the only person who could keep up with Kenny when it came to weed. It wasn’t really a kiss, but Stan didn’t trust himself at that moment and it was just a little too close.

"Okay," he said. He didn’t mean to, but his mouth seemed to be working independently from his brain.

Kenny grinned and sucked on the joint, then beckoned for Stan to come closer. He cupped his hands tight around Stan’s mouth then exhaled. His breath was warm and Stan forgot what he was meant to be doing for a moment and ended up choking slightly once he remembered to inhale. Kenny pulled away but stayed closer than he was originally.

"It’s fun, right?" he asked.

Stan nodded. He felt like he couldn’t blink, like he didn’t want to stop looking at Kenny for even a millisecond. He just looked so… good. Extraordinarily good, supernaturally good.

"You’re really pretty," Stan said, and there his mouth went again, just acting on its own.

"You’ve mentioned," Kenny said and he laughed like something was funny.

Oh yeah, Stan had been brave the night they’d dressed up like cowboys. It seemed so far off, now he couldn’t even tell Kenny he loved him. The thought of it was paralysing even with his inhibitions lowered like this in his current state.

"I’m… I’m really fucking hungry," he said eventually. He wasn’t even sure why, he hadn’t meant to. He also noticed they’d finished the joint; when had that happened?

Kenny laughed again and stumbled to his feet. He pulled Stan up to join him. "We should go get shawarma. I bet they have a place near by."

"What?"

"You know, it’s like a burrito but it’s not. The bread’s, like, thicker or something I don’t know. It’s like the perfect thing to eat when you’re high, I swear to God."

Stan’s stomach actually rumbled so he just nodded and let Kenny lead him up the beach and through the streets of the city. In that moment he really thought he’d follow him anywhere; if Kenny were to drag him into oncoming traffic, he’d have no complaints at all so long as he didn’t let go of his hand.

They found a place and both got chicken, and Kenny laughed through the whole order and still did not let go of Stan’s hand until they were sat on some steps in a secluded sort of area.

"It’s good, I promise," Kenny said. "I know you’re kinda picky so—"

"I’m not picky, I just know what I like," Stan argued. "Where’d you even try this, they don’t have this in South Park?"

"I was talking to this guy from out of town for a while. He took me out and we got this."

Stan frowned. "I didn’t know about that."

Kenny shrugged. "We didn’t end up seriously dating or anything. We made out a couple times, he didn’t know where to put his hands and he used way too much tongue and—" He shook his head. "Besides, if I talked about the people I date casually Cartman would have enough material to make fun of me until the end of time. I really know how to pick them."

Stan picked at the chicken in his wrap and wondered how many of these boys there had been. Then he wondered if there had been any girls. "So do you really trust that guy’s food judgement?" he asked eventually.

Kenny snorted. "Just eat it."

Stan did and Kenny was right, it was good. He was right about a lot of things. He was very smart, but it made Stan sad if he thought about it too much because it seemed like all that potential would just end up wasted.

"I don’t want you to be sad when we leave," he blurted out.

Kenny looked up, chewed slowly, then swallowed. "Uh…"

"I mean like be sad, sure, but don’t be sad . Like you’ve gotta live your life you know?" Stan frowned. "Am I even making sense?"

"Sort of. I think I’ll be okay though. It’s you I’m worried about," Kenny admitted.

Stan blinked. "Me?"

"Yeah I’m worried you’re gonna change." Kenny looked down and picked at his food, absently pulling out a piece of onion and dropping it on the floor. "Like when you come home I won’t recognise you. And not just you, I guess I worry about this with everyone but… mostly you. Cause I like you best."

"Would you not like me if I changed?"

"No dude. I’m worried you wouldn’t like me. Like you’ll outgrow me or whatever."

Stan shook his head vehemently. "No. Never. I hate change anyway."

Kenny smiled and sighed. "Look, just promise me you won’t go veggie just cause all the people in hipster bullshit Miami are," he said.

"I think you’re thinking of LA."

"Whatever just promise me you won’t."

"Okay. I won’t. I had a phase of it, and I don’t think I’m gonna revisit," he said and Kenny frowned. "Remember? With the baby cows?"

Kenny shook his head. "I don’t think I was there for that one."

"No you… You must’ve been, we did everything together I swear." Stan rubbed his forehead like that would somehow will the memory to come. "I think Marjorine was there… like in your place for some reason. And we dressed her up in your coat once I—"

He groaned and Kenny smiled. "You good?"

"Yeah this is just giving me a headache." Stan frowned. "Seriously, were you during all that?"

Kenny looked up, gaze piercing and almost hopeful. "Do you really not remember?"

Stan stared at his hands. He could feel something, deep in the back of his mind, something that made him feel very cold and sick and every other part of his body protested him following up on. But it felt important and relevant and—

"No," he said softly. "I don’t."

Kenny sighed and smiled sadly. "Guess we’ll never know," he said quietly.

Stan swallowed. "I’m sorry Kenny."

"For what?"

"I don’t know. Forgetting."

Kenny rubbed his arm reassuringly. "It’s alright, man. Can’t be helped. No point crying over spilled milk and all that."

"Yeah but I just… I don’t know, I’m really sorry, dude. Like I just feel so bad about it and I really tried but…" He trailed off with a groan and rested his head on his knees.

Kenny patted his back, then left his hand there as a warmth between his shoulder blades. "Thanks for trying Stan. Seriously, it means a lot."

Eventually they found themselves wandering the streets, arms looped together, as their high wore off. Stan looked over and saw Kenny with a smile on his face, the most genuine one he’d seen in a while. He looked relaxed in a way Stan rarely saw; it suited him.

"Can I ask another question?" he said after a minute.

"I didn’t sleep with anyone’s mother," Kenny replied.

"That’s not what I was gonna ask."

"Oh. Then yeah, go ahead."

"Did you enjoy this trip? Cause I kind of feel like you didn’t," Stan admitted.

Kenny smiled. "It’s been good. Crazy and stressful but… good. And I didn’t die so can’t complain really."

Stan found himself smiling too. "That’s a pretty low bar."

"Eh you’d be surprised." Kenny softened and squeezed Stan’s arm. "It’s seriously been great. Just kind of hard to not think about how it’s our last night as kids, you know?"

Stan nodded. "I know. It’s kind of not feeling real," he admitted.

Kenny grinned. "You’re gonna have to grocery shop for yourself soon."

"Don’t even. I’m gonna be such a sucky adult."

"Me too."

Stan looked at him. "I mean… I think you’re kind of an adult already. You have, or had I guess, a real job, you figured out how to do taxes all on your own, you cook, you clean," he listed.

Kenny frowned. "Huh. Yeah. Jesus Christ, you just laid out my whole life and it’s so freaking sad." He sighed. "And now all I can think about is that I’m gonna have so much shit to take to the laundromat when we— when I get home."

"Sorry for the reminder."

"It’s fine. Should probably start getting back to reality anyway."

Stan looked at him. Maybe it was because sometimes he still saw Kenny as the kid who got overly into their games of superheroes and fantasy, but it sort of felt wrong to hear him say that.

"Come on…" Stan nudged him. "We still have some time."

Kenny looked over and smiled. "Stan—"

"Seriously. Maybe we just need to act like kids again."

"And how exactly are we gonna do that?"

Stan chewed on his bottom lip then decided fuck it . He took Kenny’s hand and ducked into a bow.

"What the fuck are you—"

"I exist only to serve you, my princess," he recited, maintaining heavy eye contact. Jesus. This used to be a lot easier when he was a kid; did he sound that corny back then?

Kenny caught on and grinned. "And I thank you for your unyielding service to the crown, Sir Marshwalker."

"Please, Princess, call me Stanley."

"As you wish. I have a request of you, if it is not too much trouble."

Stan straightened up, but still held Kenny’s hand. "Anything."

Kenny flicked his ponytail over his shoulder. "The evil Wizard King has restricted me from leaving the palace grounds, but it gets so lonely being trapped in such a way. I was hoping you could take me away from this place."

Stan frowned. "That would be insubordination."

"You are my knight, no? You belong to no one else."

"Very well. We shall go."

Stan swept Kenny up in his arms bridal style, just like they always used to when they were kids. It didn’t even feel weird now they were older and things were very much different. Kenny just laughed and looped his arms around Stan’s shoulders, slotting into place like they’d never stopped doing this. Stan made sure he wasn’t about to drop Kenny, which was probably the most mortifying thing he could think of, and took off at a run. Kenny shrieked in surprise and people were staring but Stan kind of didn’t care anymore.

"Where are we going?" Kenny asked through laughter.

"The uh… I don’t know, the enchanted forest!"

"Oh yeah, the enchanted forest, of course."

"Cut me some slack, I don’t remember everything from back then."

Kenny snorted and curled in slightly so his face was obscured in the crook of Stan’s neck. It threw Stan and he nearly came to a screeching halt but he pushed through it. Sir Stanley Marshwalker did not throw up when the princess showed affection, so he couldn’t either.

He only stopped when they arrived at a park they’d walked past earlier. It had emptied out now the sun was going down, and he set Kenny down on a swing before sitting himself on the accompanying one.

"The forest is beautiful, isn’t it?" he said.

Kenny grinned. "I apologise for doubting you, Stanley."

"You need not, Princess. I wanted to take you somewhere as beautiful as you, and it was understandably challenging to find a place."

Kenny’s eyes softened and he held onto the chain of the swing like his life depended on it. "Am I just an object of beauty to you?"

Stan shook his head. "Of course not. You are the jewel of the kingdom, your wit and kindness is spoken of across the lands," he said.

Kenny leant in slightly. "You have a wonderful way with words."

"You are something of a muse for me," Stan said and instinctively he moved closer too.

Kenny looked at him, eyes shining in the dying sunlight, and swallowed. His gaze moved downwards and Stan realised Kenny was looking at his lips. Suddenly he became self conscious of them; he’d never thought about his lips before, and he couldn’t really remember what they looked like, or if they were dry or not.

He also suddenly realised he didn’t know how to kiss. He hadn’t kissed anybody since tenth grade, when he and Wendy finally broke up for good. Was he supposed to use tongue, or not? Would kissing Kenny be different?

Stan pulled back sharply, startling Kenny a little if the way he flinched was anything to go by. "We uh… We need to get back to the motel," he stammered. "It’s getting late, you know?"

Kenny blinked rapidly and stood up. "Oh. Yeah. Duh, I was just— Let’s go."

Stan got to his feet and followed Kenny out the park. It was only in retrospect that he realised how stupid he was, for assuming Kenny actually wanted to kiss him. He was misreading something, or maybe they both just got too into character, but either way if that was real, Kenny wouldn’t be so shy about it. He wasn’t a coward like Stan was when it came to love. When he saw someone he wanted, he went for it. That’s how he ended up with Nichole dumping a cup of punch over his head at their eighth grade dance, and coincidentally also how he ended up not being on very good terms with Tolkien for a few months afterwards. Kenny knew he was special. He was also surely smart enough to know Stan wasn’t.

They were silent until they got back to the motel, at which point Kenny turned to look at him with an awkward sort of smile.

"Thanks for…" Kenny inhaled deeply. "Well. Everything, I guess."

Stan swallowed and forced himself to smile. "Save it for tomorrow, okay?"

Kenny laughed and reached out to squeeze Stan’s arm. "Okay. We should probably get some sleep, so I’ll see you later Stan."

Stan nodded and watched him go. "Wait Ken!" he called out suddenly.

Kenny turned, one hand already on the door handle, and tilted his head. "Yeah?"

Stan inhaled deeply. "Just uh… Thanks. For tonight. It was fun."

Kenny smiled. "Yeah it was. Night."

"Night."

Stan watched him go, then pinched the bridge of his nose hard . He’d missed his window.

He hesitated a moment more before going into his room. Kyle was already there, sat cross legged and watching something on his phone, but he put it down when he heard Stan enter. "Hey— What’s up with you?" he asked with a frown.

Stan shrugged. "Nothing."

"You reek," Kyle said, then narrowed his eyes in a hawklike manner. "Are you high?"

Stan shook his head. "Not anymore."

"But you were."

Stan shrugged. "Legalise it."

Kyle’s eye twitched. "They already have."

Stan waved a hand dismissively and flopped face first into his pillows. A moment passed and he felt Kyle sit down on the bed beside him.

"What did you get up to with Kenny?" he asked. "Other than getting high."

Stan looked up to see Kyle’s knowing expression. "We played knight and princess."

Kyle, for once, looked surprised. "You— Huh?"

"We played our game again. It was fun. It’s just, you know, about being kids again."

Kyle’s eyes widened a little and he chewed on his thumbnail the way he always did when he was thinking about something. "Being kids again." Stan nodded. Kyle looked at him, then got up. "We’re gonna have a sleepover."

Stan sat up and watched as Kyle grabbed the pillows off the bed, then the backpack holding the remainders of their snacks. "Huh?"

"We’re having a sleepover, get your shit, we’re going next door."

Stan just did as he was told. He grabbed his bags and followed Kyle next door, then waited as he knocked loudly. Kenny answered, already in the oversized t-shirt and boxers he wore to bed, and frowned.

"What’s up? Why have you got your shit?" he asked.

"Sleepover," Kyle said simply, and pushed past him into the room.

Kenny raised an eyebrow at Stan, then stepped back to let him in. "Sure. Sleepover."

Stan walked in and dropped his bag on the floor. Cartman was watching from his bed like Kyle was the subject of a particularly interesting nature documentary.

"What is he doing?" he asked.

Kenny shrugged. "Sleepover apparently."

"Yeah," Kyle said, grabbing some pillows. "Sleepover. Everyone get on the floor."

Stan and Kenny did just that, and Cartman followed after a moment. Kyle smiled at them and sighed happily, clearly pleased with himself.

"What now? Do we talk about our crushes?" Cartman asked. For some reason he looked at Kenny with a smile.

"No," Kenny said quickly. "We should play a game or something. Not the secrets game."

Cartman pouted. "But I wanna play the secrets game!"

"Well tough!"

"What are you gonna do if I just make us play it?"

Kenny shrugged. "Punch you again?"

"God that feels like a lifetime ago," Kyle said. "I still wish I saw it."

"It’s not that impressive," Kenny said humbly. "He’s weak as fuck."

"I am not!" Cartman squawked.

"You kind of are," Stan said. "I don’t think you’ve ever won a fight."

"That’s cause I hold back."

"Bullshit!"

"There’s one way to prove it." Cartman rolled his sleeves up. "Arm wrestles come on."

"You’re going to lose," Kyle pointed out.

And sure enough, he did lose, to all three of them. Stan beat Kyle, and so did Kenny.

"When the hell did you get so strong?" Kyle muttered, shaking out his hand.

Kenny grinned and pushed his sleeves up then flexed proudly. Kyle’s jaw dropped and Stan felt a weird sense of vindication that he wasn’t the only one totally flabbergasted by this. "Car jacks," Kenny said simply.

"That’s— I mean—" Kyle leant forward and squeezed Kenny’s arm. "Yeah. For a skinny dude that’s impressive."

"Thank you Kyle."

"You’re welcome, I guess."

Kenny dropped his arms and shook them until his sleeve rolled back down. "I didn’t really think it would be so surprising. Obviously you don’t pay enough attention to me."

Stan looked at him. "Ken—"

"I’m kidding. Come on, it’s you and me now."

"You’re not winning this one," Stan warned.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "I’m pretty sure you’re all bark."

"Kenny be so serious right now. I’m the only one of us who actually goes to the gym."

"And I’m the only one of us who spends all week lugging tyres around so let’s go."

Stan sighed heavily and took Kenny’s hand. It was slightly cold and he wrapped his slim fingers tight around Stan’s hand.

Kenny was strong, but Stan was stronger. Really it wasn’t that fair a fight. But Stan looked over and saw Kenny biting down on his bottom lip, eyebrows furrowed and his gaze intense, and realised he needed a win.

This summer so far he’d lost his job, watched all his friends graduate without him, and was about to go back to a house he hated all on his own. Stan knew logically that losing an arm wrestle wouldn’t send him over the edge, but he also knew Kenny didn’t deserve anymore bad things. And maybe, if Stan put enough intention behind it, he could somehow tell Kenny he loved him with actions not words.

So he threw the game.

Kenny cheered and Stan put on his best show of acting upset about it. Kenny leant in and stuck his tongue out. "Told you," he gloated.

"Yeah. Guess you’re the strongest."

Cartman immediately demanded a rematch from Kenny, and Stan leant back to watch. Kyle shuffled closer and knocked their shoulders together.

"You could’ve beat him," Kyle murmured.

Stan smiled. "Yeah. I know."

Kyle looked at him. "You’re a good guy, you know that right?"

Stan shrugged slightly. "It’s not a big deal."

Eventually Cartman seemed to come to terms with his loss and they migrated to all sit on one bed. It was a tight squeeze, and Kenny ended up halfway onto Kyle’s lap, but it worked.

"Remember when it used to be super easy to share a bed?" Kyle asked, moving Kenny off of his thigh and into the space between his legs.

They always used to curl up, just the four of them, under one blanket whenever they had sleepovers. It had never really occurred to them to use sleeping bags or anything like that, they just preferred to sleep in a pile.

And so they did just that, one last time. Stan never slept so soundly in his life.

~*~

Stan woke up with Kenny’s hair in his mouth, Kyle curled up against his back, and Cartman’s elbow digging into his stomach, and he was hit with a wave of sadness that could only be described as paralysing.

All of their phones were playing the same alarm, except for Kenny’s since he had an Android, and it was hurting Stan’s head but he couldn’t move. Not just because of their weird positioning, but because he didn’t want to.

Kyle did though. He groaned and sat up, prompting Kenny and Cartman to do the same. They all silenced their phones and Kyle threw Stan’s at him. It bounced off of his chest.

"You guys have such agressive alarms," Kenny muttered. His hair was sticking up in every possible direction and he had drool crusted onto his face. His t-shirt was hanging off of one shoulder and his eyes weren’t even fully open, meaning he still looked half asleep.

Cartman grumbled something in response that Stan couldn’t make out. He sat up finally and looked at his phone. It was four in the morning.

"We’ve gotta move," Kyle said. "Or we’ll miss our flights."

Stan didn’t want to, but he did because everyone else was. He drove, since he’d be the only one left to drive back anyway, and nobody played any music. They were entirely silent until they’d gotten to the airport and Cartman bought them all coffee, at which point they woke up a little bit and Kyle promptly burst into tears.

Stan didn’t really register it was happening until Kenny set his cup down and wrapped his arms around Kyle’s shoulders. Once it set in that this was actually happening, he moved closer and put a hand on Kyle’s arm. "You okay dude?"

Kyle nodded and scrubbed at his eyes. "I think I’m overtired," he said weakly.

"Or, and I’m just throwing this out there, you’re upset cause you’ve spent this whole trip repressing shit and being the stable one and now it’s hit you that you’re not gonna see your friends for months?" Cartman suggested. Everyone looked at him and he shrugged. "What? I can notice stuff too you know."

Kenny frowned but looked back to Kyle. "Is he actually right for once in his life?"

Kyle nodded and scowled. "I hate this so much."

Kenny grinned and rested his head on top of Kyle’s curls. He was kneeling on a planter behind their bench, which gave him the height necessary to do so. "Aw Kyley… you’re kind of fucked up aren’t you?"

"A little bit."

Stan felt tears well up in his own eyes and he swore under his breath. "Come on dude, you’re gonna make me cry."

"Sorry."

"Oh for— Save the faggy bullshit for the gates, okay? I fucking love the airport and you’re not gonna ruin it for me," Cartman snapped.

Kyle seemed to snap out of his sadness pretty quickly. "What kind of psychopath likes the airport?"

"Oh come on! Duty free is awesome!"

"That’s a good point," Kenny agreed.

Kyle laughed. "You’re both so weird."

"Yeah but they’re our kind of weird," Stan said.

"Yeah. We’re all South Park weird."

Whilst Cartman had made a good point about duty free, there wasn’t much to do until getting to that point. They drank their coffees, and ate an overpriced breakfast, until check in for Cartman’s flight to LA was announced.

Kenny looked at him with wide eyes. "Was that..?"

"Yeah that’s me. I’m gonna miss you most poor boy," Cartman said sincerely.

Kennt smiled and hugged him tight. "Try not to wipe California off the map, okay?"

"No promises."

Cartman let Kenny go then turned to face Stan. "Bye."

Stan rolled his eyes and hugged him. "See you around."

"Ugh. Yeah okay. God." He pushed Stan away but not before gently squeezing him back.

And then he gave Stan an intentional look, before flicking his gaze over to Kenny in a way that made Stan’s blood run cold. He shook his head minutely. Cartman frowned but seemed to let it go, for once in his life, and turned to Kyle.

He held out a hand and Kyle stared at it. "What?"

Cartman scoffed. "Come on, we’ve had a good rapport over the years."

"If you mean you being an antisemite, then yeah," Kyle said.

"Come on Kyle, don’t be a bitch baby about it."

Kyle sighed heavily and shook his hand. "Try not to get worse when you’re away."

"Right back at you." Cartman dropped Kyle’s hand and shoved his in his pockets. "Okay. So… I’m going. See you losers later."

Stan waved and watched him walk away with a weird feeling in his chest. He honestly hadn’t expected saying goodbye to Cartman of all people to be difficult. Kenny looked upset, which was to be expected, but Stan found himself surprised to see Kyle did too.

"I’m weirdly gonna miss him," he admitted when he saw Stan looking at him.

"Yeah. Me too."

They had a few hours to kill before Kyle and Kenny’s flights, but not much to do. Stan expected it to feel excruciatingly long but it didn’t. In fact it had the opposite it effect. One minute they had four hours, then he blinked and Kyle was grabbing his bags.

"Where are you going?" Stan asked, him and Kenny both scrambling to their feet after him.

Kyle swallowed. "I’ve gotta go, Stan."

He opened his mouth but no sound came out, and he watched as Kyle pulled Kenny into a hug. Kenny had to reach up on tip toes to wrap his arms around him, and his head didn’t quite reach Kyle’s shoulder.

"Look after yourself okay?" Kyle said softly. "Don’t be a hero."

"I wouldn’t dream of it," Kenny replied and his voice sounded wet. "Try to have some fun without me, alright? I know it’ll be hard but try."

Kyle laughed and pulled back. "It’ll be so hard."

Kenny nodded and wiped at his eyes. "I know. I’m just the light of your life, obviously."

"Yeah one of them."

Kyle sighed and let Kenny go, then turned to Stan. Kenny cleared his throat. "I’ll give you some space."

Kyle nodded gratefully and waited for Kenny to leave before smiling at Stan. There were tears in his eyes. "We’ve done alright, haven’t we?"

Stan grinned and tears spilled over his cheeks. He wiped them away and nodded. "Yeah. Not too bad."

Kyle sniffed. "So um… Fuck, dude, you know you’re my best friend. I don’t have to say it do I?"

Stan shook his head. "You’re my best friend too. I know, trust me."

"Good cause I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to get through a speech," Kyle admitted with a wet laugh.

Stan laughed too and pulled Kyle into a hug. "I’m gonna miss you dude. And all your nagging."

Kyle squeezed Stan tight. "I’ll call you once a week to remind you to do your laundry."

"If you get a new best friend I’ll kill you."

"I wasn’t kidding."

"I wasn’t either."

Kyle laughed and it sounded suspiciously wet, then let Stan go. "Seriously. Take care of yourself Stan, and don’t be stupid."

Stan smiled. "And you have fun. Don’t be an uptight asshole all the time."

Kyle grinned and squeezed his shoulder one last time before stepping back. "I’ll see you around Marsh."

"Not if I see you first."

Stan already had a lump forming in his throat as he watched Kyle leave, and it threatened to choke him when Kenny tapped his shoulder. He had to close his eyes before turning to face him, vertigo already setting in heavy.

"I’ve um— Fuck." Stan opened his eyes to see Kenny wiping his. "I’ve gotta go too," he said weakly.

Stan wasn’t ready. "Really?"

"I wish I didn’t."

Stan thought about asking him to stay. Telling him he loved him, and he should miss his flight and live with him Florida. But he knew that would be selfish, and he didn’t want to be selfish as much as it seemed to be in his nature. So he just nodded.

Kenny looked at him expectantly for a moment. "Remember your promises okay? Don’t forget about me, don’t you dare turn vegetarian, and don’t make friends with anyone cooler than me."

Stan laughed. "Come here."

Kenny was crying now, but quietly, and he practically crushed Stan with his hug. Stan held on just as tight, lifting Kenny up onto his tip toes. He inhaled deeply, trying to remember Kenny’s scent; like cigarette smoke and cheap cologne and something sweet he couldn’t place.

Then he focussed on imprinting how Kenny felt in his arms firmly into his mind. He didn’t want to forget the curve of his spine, or the way his arms felt around his shoulders, or how his hair was tickling his chin.

"Don’t be a stranger," Kenny whispered, voice cracking right against the shell of his ear, and Stan tried very hard to commit that to memory too. "Please."

Stan squeezed him extra tight. "Never," he promised. His voice came out as a squeaky sob that made Kenny laugh wetly.

When they finally broke apart Kenny wiped his eyes on his sleeve. He didn’t move until the last call for his flight rung over the intercom, and his shoulders shook with more sobs.

Stan sniffed loudly, acutely aware of the fact they were attracting a few glances, and put a hand on Kenny’s shoulder. "Go give South Park hell for us all, okay?"

Kenny inhaled shakily and nodded. "I’ll see you around Stan."

He offered him a little salute before turning around and walking towards the gate. Stan held his breath, waiting for something. He wasn’t sure what until it happened.

Kenny turned to look over his shoulder back at Stan. He dropped his bags and sprinted back over, then grabbed him by the jaw. Before Stan could realise what was happening, Kenny’s lips crashed into his. It was over before Stan could take the time to memorise how it felt, but Kenny kept a tight grip on his jaw, eyes darting about like he was taking in every single detail of Stan’s face.

"Kenny…" Stan said softly, his name the only word on his mind.

Stan’s voice seemed to snap Kenny out of whatever fugue state he’d entered. He pulled away and put a shaking hand over his mouth, eyes wide in actual terror. And then he ran away.

And Stan just watched him leave.

He didn’t really freak out until he got back to the car, at which point it all caught up with him. Kenny kissed him and it felt like a knife to the heart or a baseball bat to the skull.

~*~

The next day passed by in a blur of nothingness, until his phone rang at almost midnight.

He had his dorm to himself; his roommate, some kid named Jason, wouldn’t be arriving for a few weeks. It was painfully generic and Stan hadn’t been able to sleep. He lunged for his phone and his heart honest to God skipped a beat when he saw who it was.

"Kenny," he breathed as he picked up. "Hi."

"Hey. We need to talk." Kenny sounded tired and far off, the way he did after a long day at work. Or the way he did when he was high. Stan couldn’t tell which it was without a visual.

He rolled onto his back and stared at the popcorn ceiling above him. "Yeah we do."

"Look I’m sorry," Kenny said.

"Don’t be. It was—"

"It was wrong," Kenny said firmly. "I shouldn’t have kissed you."

The words died in Stan’s throat. He hadn’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. It hadn’t felt wrong; the opposite in fact, it felt like it was meant to happen. "But you did," Stan said quietly, because he didn’t know what else to say.

"I know. I think I just… I got overwhelmed," Kenny said quietly. "It made sense at the time but now…"

Stan’s stomach plummeted so hard and so quickly he felt like he was going to throw up, and he realised he was an idiot. "You regret it."

"I didn’t say that."

"Okay. It didn’t mean anything."

There was a long staticky pause. "No. It didn’t."

Stan closed his eyes and pinched his nose so Kenny wouldn’t hear him sniffle. It was stupid to cry over this. Of course it didn’t mean anything, he’d just gotten his hopes up for nothing. "Okay. That’s— Yeah. Good, you know, cause that would be weird."

"Super weird. I’m sorry. Seriously, I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything."

"It wasn’t uncomfortable just… like you said you know. It’s meaningless."

"Exactly," Kenny said quietly. Stan wondered what was happening on his face, if he was laying on his bed or sat at his desk, what he was wearing. All those little things he’d taken for granted. "I’ll let you go dude, you’ve probably got a busy day tomorrow."

Stan really didn’t, but he nodded then, a moment later, remembered Kenny couldn’t see him. "Okay. Night."

"Goodnight Stan. Call me later, okay? I miss you already."

Stan swallowed and his breath hitched dangerously. "Miss you too."

Another long pause, where Stan thought maybe Kenny had hung up. "I love you."

Stan pressed the round red button and threw his phone across the room. That night, he cried himself to sleep for the first time since his parents divorced.

Out of spite, he didn’t call Kenny the next day.

Or the next day.

Or the next day after that.

Or even the next day after that.