Chapter Text
There was a rare silence in the headquarters of I.M.P as the employees each went about their own typical business, the sun gradually rising in the scarlet sky of the Pride Ring to announce the official being of another morning in Hell.
Loona was in the meeting room typing and scrolling away on her phone while ignoring everyone’s (mainly Moxxie’s) insistence that she do something productive at work already, as per usual (hence why she wasn’t at her receptionist desk).
Millie was brewing a fresh pair of coffee cups in the break room for both her and Moxxie to drink together, her husband next to her quickly scarfing down some toast he grabbed on the way to work since he accidentally overslept a couple minutes longer and had litte time to eat breakfast at home (which was really unnecessary, for nobody really paid attention to the schedule in the first place).
And Maze was currently drinking her third can of beer she grabbed from the break room’s fridge the moment she came in for work, having already tossed away the first two cans once she drank them both dry. The woman was lazily sprawled across the couch as she swiped her thumb over her phone screen, scanning whatever site she was on with her one visible eye.
“Anybody seen Blitzø?” Millie curiously asked as soon as she finished brewing the coffee, handing Moxxie his own cup while holding hers in her other hand. “Haven’t seen him since we came in earlier.”
“Knowing him, he’s probably having another wank-off session in his office.” Maze drawled, gesturing towards said imp’s office door with her tail without glancing up from her phone. “Bastard has a shitty sense of humor to do that kind of thing at his own workplace.”
Moxxie momentarily darted his eyes back and forth between her and their manager’s office with his steaming coffee cup in hand, a skeptical frown on his lips. “…no offense, Maze…” He suddenly began as he proceeded to look down on the woman sprayed out on the couch. “…but I personally believe you’re quite literally the last person to talk about having a ‘shitty sense of humor’.”
“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?” Maze glanced up from her phone to shoot a challenging look up at the imp, an unimpressed gleam in her eye as she silently warned him to choose his next words wisely.
“The other day during lunch break, you blew up a newly-established café that opened up downtown and proceeded to take a selfie to post on your Sinstagram!” Moxxie pointedly reminded the apathetic woman, gesturing incredulously down at her on the couch. “Then you proceeded to use the flames left behind from the explosion to heat up your leftovers from your previous lunch!”
“In my defense, that place had the shittiest customer service and what I did was an absolute miracle.” Maze coolly retorted, not dropping her neutral expression in the slightest as she turned her attention back on her phone. “If you ask me, you’re the one with the crappy sense of humor. You have no idea on what the definition of fun even is.”
“Wha – ?! I most certainly can be fun!” Moxxie insisted rather defensively, pointing at her with his cup of coffee (somehow not spilling a single drop despite the dark drink splashing around). “In fact, I’ll have you know I have hobbies that I partake in for the sake of entertaining myself!”
Maze flashed a skeptical eyebrow up at him from the sofa. “Yeah… With the size of what you got down there, I doubt you can get so much as a single drop from your own wank-off sessions.” She bluntly uttered, which successfully promoted the reaction she expected from the now-flabbergasted imp before her. And for the cherry on top to her brutal verbal assault, she tossed her now-empty beer can at him, which harmlessly bounced off his forehead and cluttered to the floor. “But if one of your hobbies involve a gym membership to work that all that unnecessary meat off, then by all means, go nuts.”
“…my dick size is perfectly acceptable and I am not fat!” Moxxie almost shrieked once he found the words, somehow even redder than his usual complexion as he threatened to crush his coffee mug in his grip. Maze was completely unfazed by his outburst whatsoever as she simply rolled her visible eye and glanced back down at her phone. As soon as she noticed her husband’s rising rage, Millie was quick to set down her own coffee to make her way over to his side.
“Awwww, don’t listen to her, sweetie!” She cooed softly as she rubbed circles on his back to soothe him, her touch soothing the agitated imp man. “I don’t give a damn about your weight or dick size, no matter heavy or small!”
“…Millie, honey. I love you, but please stop talking.” Moxxie wearily pleaded to his wife, already losing the energy to continue on with the discussion he instantly regretted starting.
“Never talk shit about my sense of humor again, bitch.” Maze uttered with a tone of finality, typing away on her phone without so much as a twitch in her deadpan expression. Moxxie flashed an exasperated frown at her in response, no longer having the effort to even argue with her at this point.
Before he could even open his mouth to say anything, Blitzø suddenly hollered loudly from his office, his voice booming as if he was using a loudspeaker to broadcast himself. “M N’ M! MAZE! GET IN HERE! WE’RE GOING TO LOO LOO LAND!”
Baffled by the unexpected announcement, Moxxie was quick to make his way over towards their manager’s office and open the door to peer inside, his eyes landing on the sight of Blitzø holding a megaphone at his desk (and wearing a toy crown atop his head, for some reason). “Loo Loo Land?”
CRASH!
As if a switch was flipped on her, Millie suddenly smashed her head straight through the office door’s glass, shards raining down onto the floor as her husband reared back in alarm. “Loo Loo Land?!” She squealed, her eyes shining with excitement.
“LOO LOO LAND ~ !” Blitzø echoed, flamboyantly waving his hand while using his other hand to grip onto the megaphone top amplify his voice.
Maze threw her head back with a loud groan as she dropped her hands into her lap while holding her phone. “Satan’s asscrack, none of us are deaf yet!” She irked, sitting up from the couch to swing her legs over the side so she could stand up. “What is it this time, Blitzø?”
“Good news, everyone! Stolas just called and he’s paying us to bodyguard him and his daughter while they go have a little fun at Loo Loo Land!” Blitzø announced as soon as he tossed the megaphone to the side, not even glancing back at the sound of it smashing into pieces. “All we gotta do is make sure that horny ass of his and his kid stay in one piece for a couple hours, and we’re set for life!”
“But we’re assassins, not bodyguards.” Maze arched an eyebrow at him with a skeptical frown. “How the hell are we supposed to protect someone from the exact same kind of people we are?”
“Oh, who the fuck cares? Just kill whoever gets too close like a thirsty whore looking for the last dick in Hell!” Blitzø impatiently waved off her skepticism. “Now let’s go! I’m – I mean, we’re getting money from a prince, and we’re not passing up this chance!” Blitzø hopped over his desk to rush out of his office, pointing ahead of him with a toothy grin that split his face apart. “To the company van!”
“Yeah! To Loo Loo Land ~ !” Millie cheered as she ran after their boss, throwing her hands up in the air while Maze and Moxxie watched after them with matching deadpan faces.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” Loona finally spoke up for the first time since this morning to scream over at them, the hellhound having the misfortune of being able to hear the racket from all the way in the meeting room.
“Mammon’s Loo Loo Land” or simply known as Loo Loo Land was a grand amusement park located within the Greed Ring of Hell, said owner being none other than a member of the Seven Deadly Sins himself.
They were a group consisting of incredibly powerful demons that were superior to the majority of Hell’s inhabitants in both magic and money. In fact, their positions were located right underneath that of the royal family themselves, making them all the more untouchable in terms of influence. And that said a lot considering the anti-authoritarian nature of the majority of Hell itself.
As a project of someone of such high ranking, it was to be expected that such a creation would be among the finest privileges. Alas, contrary to what most people claimed, the reality was that it left…much to be desired, to say the least. Yet it somehow didn’t diminish its popularity in the slightest.
I.M.P's van, a silver vehicle with the company’s logo on the side (along with inky splatters on the metallic surface that suspiciously resembled a demon’s blood…) drove forward and skidded to a stop in the parking lot right in front of the amusement park's entrance. Moxxie, now donning work-appropriate attire for the mission like the rest of the group, hopped out of the van so he could open the side doors, allowing their passengers to exit the vehicle.
The first to step out was none other than Stolas, the lanky owl demon decked in rather…peculiar attire for someone of his ranking. He was sporting what appeared to be a white T-shirt with some sort of icon of an apple at the front, along with red pants on her bird-like legs.
Following after him was his teenage daughter Octavia, an adolescent avian demon with a lanky build who bore a powerful resemblance to her father. She sported unkempt grayish-black feathers, a pair of pink eyes with white pupils, and light purple eyeshadow to complement her long eyelashes. Her attire consisted of a long-sleeved pink dress with a yellow star pattern, along with a black feathery cardigan and black heeled boots and leggings. She also donned a black beanie with a yellow tiara design on the front, along with a pink choker around her neck.
As soon as she stepped out of the van, her features were immediately contorted with disgust upon seeing the extravagant amusement park before them. It resembled an ordinary carnival, but it was easy to tell from a distance the rickety and unstable condition the rides were in. The cartoonish apple that served as the park’s mascot was a bit much, not to mention the excessive number of lights constantly flashing in everybody’s eyes, even when it was daytime.
Octavia’s exasperation grew when Stolas took the time to place a plush hat of the carnival’s icon upon his head, the noble demon excitedly gesturing to his daughter to follow him into the amusement park. The teenager simply grabbed ahold of her beanie and yanked it over her eyes with a groan, clearly not looking forward to the day whatsoever.
As soon as the four imps led the royal father-and-daughter duo into the carnival, Blitzø was quick to point up at Stolas with his eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses. “Now remember: this is work and work only.” He sternly scowled up at the owl demon. “Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?”
“Hey…Dad…” Octavia began to speak up, disgust evident in her tone as she surveyed her surroundings. “Do we have to – ?”
“Okay, yeah. Hold on right there, sweetie.” Blitzø momentarily paused to turn towards the young teenager and gently gesture her to wait before returning his attention back towards Stolas, quick to switch his patient tone into a harsher one. “If you try fuckin’ my little ass in that park, I swear to – ”
Rather than be intimidated by the imp’s threatening demeanor, Stolas simply giggled in response before bending his top half forward so his gaze was at the smaller demon’s eye-level. “You are so cute when you are serious ~ !” He tittered, giving Blitzø a playful tap on his nose. Octavia watched their interaction with pure disgust, her scowl threatening to sour the air itself.
“I’m literally gonna be sick.” The teenager groaned, furrowing her brows as she folded her arms over her chest. The moment he heard her grumble those words, Moxxie’s eyes instantly widened with panic behind his sunglasses.
“Oh, crumbs! I knew today would be a lot!” He exclaimed, hastily zipping open his fanny pack to fish around in it. A split second later, he pulled out a whole handful of hypodermic syringes filled with neon green fluids inside (somehow fitting inside his tiny bag). “What do you need? Anti-acids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?!”
“That was figurative, old man.” Octavia curtly deadpanned before dragging herself over towards Stolas, hoping to put at least a temporary halt to his flirting towards Blitzø.
“Oh…right” Moxxie blinked before sheepishly chuckling, embarrassment settling in on him before he absentmindedly throwing the syringes to the side, all of which ended up in a nearby stroller. Upon seeing the new “toys” that fell in right beside them, the infant imp in the carrier cooed in delight as they began to grab at the needles, oblivious to what they really were. “But she said it was literal…”
“Literally every teenager says that and they never once mean it.” Maze bluntly remarked, readjusting her sunglasses as they concealed her one visible eye while her hair concealed the other side. Like her coworkers, she donned a tuxedo-like suit while sporting a pair of black high-heeled boots, the woman resting a rifle on her shoulder for her to use anytime. As soon as she spoke, she held up a can of beer out of nowhere with her other hand and popped it open with her thumb, making a satisfying fizzing sound before she took a good sip of her drink.
Millie quickly removed her own sunglasses to get a good look at her surroundings, amazement and nostalgia washing over her features. “Wooooow! I haven’t been to this place since I was a tot!” She exclaimed with excitement. Clearly, she was the only one besides Stolas who was thrilled to be in the shabby amusement park.
She momentarily glanced over towards the direction of a nearby ride, where a pair of imps were standing underneath its sign as one of them posed for a picture for the other to take. A split second later, one of the giant metallic letters that were crudely nailed on the sign detached itself, instantly crushing the poor imp unfortunate enough to have been standing in that particular spot while his friend watched in horror.
“It hasn’t changed a bit.” Millie commented before her eyes landed on something that made her excited grin widen. “Ohhhhh! LOOK!” She squealed and hugged Moxxie with one arm while the other pointed over at what caught her attention. “It’s Big Woobly!”
Big Woobly was none other than some sort of animatronic that was apparently supposed to resemble a dinosaur, judging from its biped, reptilian-like figure. However, several metallic patches on the machine were either damaged or incredibly distorted, giving it a disconcerting appearance as it stood high upon its platform near the entrance of the park. As if it wasn’t unnerving enough, its jaw split open with the mouth shaped like petals that were each lined with teeth, revealing a speaker inside. And as soon as it did so, a shrill and spine-chilling screech pierced the air, the animatronic waving its tiny arms as it screeched.
Moxxie gazed warily up at Big Woobly with an unnerved grimace. “That is…deeply upsetting.” Was all he could comment, wincing at the sound of the animatronic’s ungodly shriek. He couldn’t help but question why such a machine was permitted to be in an amusement park of all places, especially with so many children in the area.
“…why do I always forget they still have that thing?” Maze wryly deadpanned, clear disgust evident in her visible eye as she threatened to tighten her grip on her alcoholic beverage and crush the plastic can. “I swear, that metallic sack of shit is probably possessed and will definitely bite a kid’s head off someday.”
“Oh, c’mon! It’s fun!” Millie was undeterred whatsoever by both her husband and her coworker’s reactions, throwing an arm around Moxxie’s shoulders with a beaming grin as she hugged him close. “Maze, you’ve been here a few times before too, right? I remember ya mentioning it somewhere on your Sinstagram the other day!”
“Ugh, the fact that this place is a part of my childhood sometimes keeps me up at night.” Maze scowled bitterly, tightening her hold on her rifle as she furrowed her brows with disgust at her surroundings. “The last time I came here was with my brother and my…” She darted her visible eye to the side with growing disdain. “…ex-boyfriend, and it was only just to fuck up the carnies and show my brother the shit show this place really is. That was the only time the money was actually worth it.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m on the same page as Maze.” Moxxie frowned as he briefly hugged himself, Millie flashing him a curious smile while placing her sunglasses back on her features. Maze raised an eyebrow down at him as she began taking another sip of her drink. “Theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots.”
“Well, hey there!” As if his very words tempted his fate, a mascot of an anthropomorphic apple sporting a cartoonish smile on its face popped up right behind Moxxie without warning. Startled by both the mascot’s sudden appearance and his unsettling costume, Moxxie instantly leapt close to Millie with a horrified shriek, while a genuinely-shocked Maze did a spit-take of her beer that sprayed all over a nearby bystander’s face, earning her a rather scathing glare as the drink completely soaked him from head-to-shoulders.
“Oh Satan, not him…” She grimaced in sheer disgust at the mascot, who was now enthusiastically jumping in place as he began to introduce himself.
“I’m Loo Loo! Welcome to Loo Loo Land!” The anthropomorphic apple exclaimed with an unnecessary amount of gusto, opening his arms in a flourish to introduce the amusement park around them. “If y'all get hurt here, just try and sue us!”
“Challenge accepted…” Maze narrowed her visible eye in a daunting manner as she began to cock her gun, only for Blitzø to casually push the weapon down with a finger without even glancing in her direction. It wasn’t worth wasting the bullets meant for their bodyguard mission, after all.
“Look, Via!” Stolas beamed excitedly as he eagerly gestured to the amusement park’s mascot. The childish enthusiasm on his features compared to his daughter’s indifferent expression made it difficult to differentiate between the parent and child for a moment. “It’s Loo Loo!”
“I have a question.” Octavia called in a monotone voice, holding up a finger as she did so.
“Well, ask away, little girlie ~ !” The mascot instantly turned his attention towards her, one of the costume’s eyes popping out of its socket and hanging by a thick black thread. He then proceeded to let out ridiculous-sounding laughter, the eyeball bouncing up and down from his moving figure. “A-hyuk a-hyuk a-hyuk ~ !”
“Is it true this park is really just a shameless spin-off of Lucifer’s far more popular Lu Lu World?” Octavia dryly questioned with a sardonic smirk, momentarily placing a finger on her chin in ‘thought’. Stolas visibly deflated as he sent a weak grimace at his daughter’s attitude, clearly realizing that she was not exactly as thrilled about the situation as he was.
“…no?” Loo Loo replied with a rather questioning tone, not exactly sounding very confident in his response whatsoever. Octavia narrowed her eyes at him with visible suspicion, her condescending smirk quick to be replaced with a disgusted scowl.
“This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.” The teenager uttered, fixating the mascot with a venomous glower as if he was some sort of insect. Stolas gave a sheepish chuckle at the awkward situation, taking Octavia’s hand in his as he gently guided her away.
“Why don’t we go check out the rides?” He attempted to lift up his daughter’s already-dampened spirits, the latter simply turning her head as they moved so her suspicious glare was still fixated on Loo Loo, despite her father leading her far away from him.
“That chick’s creepy, huh?” The cartoonish-looking mascot remarked, to which Blitzø responded with an exasperated scowl beside him.
“Eh, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes.” He bluntly deadpanned as he began dragging his feet away from the scene to follow the father-and-daughter duo, wanting nothing more than to get their mission over with. Maze was already walking after them with her weapon in hand, not willing to spend another second longer with the carnival’s mascot.
“What’s that mean?” Loo Loo obliviously questioned, turning towards a still-cowering Moxxie and Millie for clarification. As soon as the mascot’s attention was focused on them, Moxxie was quick to stand in front of his wife to defend her with a disgusted glower on his features.
“Don’t talk to me!” He snapped, warily narrowing his eyes at the mascot before jabbing a finger directly into the costume’s cartoonish expression, momentarily sinking it into the fabric. “I know you’re a pervert under there.”
No sooner than those words left his lips, he was quick to storm away while leading Millie away, leaving behind a stunned Loo Loo in the dust before the mascot slumped forward with visible dejection.
“…yeah.”