Archive of Our Own ^beta

The night of Dacey Mormont’s seventeenth birthday, is the day Robb Stark is never allowed to be left alone at a party ever again, at least before Theon Greyjoy’s eyes. Because Robb is only sixteen and he and Theon had to do a lot of convincing for Catelyn to let him go, yet sweet Robb manages to be on the verge of blackout before midnight has even rung.

It’s still early when Theon decides to play brave and shoo Skinner and Damon out of the porch. They’ve been lingering in front of the house for far too long, and he’s not taking any more shit from anyone, especially not if Robb or any of his friends could end up being exposed. He manages to snatch Damon’s pills —some fancy design drug shit he definitely doesn’t want to do anything with— and threatens to call officer Baratheon and report them for drug dealing with minors present which, with Skinner’s antecedents will, probably sent him to jail straight away. When they vanish back to their shitty neighbor town, he once more thanks the Drowned fucking God or whoever who’s up there for letting him befriend owner-of-the-pub Mr. Seaworth, who also happens to be the officer’s husband.

Ten minutes later (not even so, truly, as his cheap-ass digital watch can tell him), he comes back into the house wanting to check on the rest of the party, wondering if this is what mother ducks feel trying to keep all their ducklings at bay, just to find Robb in the middle of a ring of teenagers screaming “Drink! Drink! Drink!” as he chugs down what seems to be his fourth bottle of beer.

Suddenly, Theon is furious, but he can’t blame them: it’s like watching a perfectly piloted plane take an unexpected turn and crash directly onto the sea. There is something so inherently exciting about watching Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes get totally corrupted for the first time: Theon can perfectly tell what they are all thinking, and it’s how far they can get the straight A’s, class president and renown altar boy to go on his first binge.

In another time, a few years earlier maybe, Theon would have been thrilled. We would have joined the crowd or fetched Robb another drink, wanting to get his precious friends out of the cocooned shell his ultra-religious parents have built for him. But now, though, being a bit older but definitely much wiser than he used to be… he can’t help but gasp in horror at the idea of leaving Robb to be exposed like that.

It’s not just his reputation: Yeah, if the breaking news of Robb Stark becoming a party junkie run through the town —and in a tiny-ass town like Wintertown everyone ends up knowing everything— his ludicrous, perfect image of golden boy may end up affected. Then his parents would know, and his mother would start the ‘I am very disappointed’ shtick, making him feel as if he had committed double homicide and sending Robb into a spiral that would either push him further into being the perfect child, or make him embrace his new identity as a party-goer out of spite and ruining his chances of being the hot-shot everyone knows he is.

He knows that he may be exaggerating, but Theon after some unfortunate encounters with some unfortunate people, Theon had recently learned that he likes his friend the way he is: sweet, innocent, kind, and proper Robb Stark.

Suddenly, the crowd goes wild for a second, screaming as loud as they can when Robb finishes his drink. Then, a sudden silence overcomes the place, and when he snaps back into reality, Theon realizes what has just happened and the only thing he sees is blood.

“That’s a nasty-ass cut,” Some dickhead Karstark comments, and Theon pushes the hell out of him to get to his friend. “Hey!”

“Shut up, you fucker.” Theon spits out, and in less than a heartbeat he’s right next to Robb’s quivering frame and his bloodied hand.

The bottle is broken is big pieces, which Theon cannot tell if it’s better or worse, against the table where Robb’s uncoordinated movements have just smashed into hard wood.

“Sorry,” He mutters. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t meant to.”

The music stops for a second, as Theon tries to get Robb to let go of what remains of the beer and examine the gash.

“It’s okay, Robb.” Dacey whispers sweetly, wanting Robb to remain calm. “C’mon, Robb, let us see.”

Robb does not budge.

“I’m so sorry,” He repeats. “Oh, Dacey, I’m so sorry, I’ll clean that up. I’m so sorry, I didn’t meant to. I drank too much at once. I’m sorry.”

“It’s really okay.” She ensures. “It’s really okay, Robb, but you have to let us see the cut right now, or else we won’t know if you’re okay.”

“Hurts.” He mutters. “Hurts, Theon.”

“Of course it fucking hurts, you idiot.” Theon scolds him, finally getting him to release the glass and check on the wound. “It’s not that deep, thank— Everything up there, really. The good news is that we don’t need to take you to the hospital.”

“No!” Robb exclaims. “No hospitals, please, Theon. My parents —my mother— can’t know. Please, Theon.”

“That’s what I’ve said, you silly f—”

Robb’s lips quirk into the saddest pout imaginable, and Theon backs down.

“Goose.” He finally says. “You silly goose. C’me here… Dacey, the bathroom is upstairs?”

“Yeah,” She says. “I’ll take him—”

“I can do it, really. Just—, please, do you have bandages or anything?”

She nods and, somehow, they manage to get Robb to the bathroom, from where they can hear the music restart again.

“Go I can with this.” He tells her, and soon they are alone, seated by the window, with Theon just swiftly wrapping Robb's hand around.

At first, none of them speaks, and eventually the silence is killing both of them, and Theon is sure that he's heard Robb stifling a few sobs, so at the end it is he who speaks.

“I left you alone for less than ten minutes.”

“I'm sorry. I wanted to know what it felt.”

“Do you realize how hard it was to get your parents to let you come? You can't just do this the first time they let you out, or you won't see another party until you're old and gray in your retirement.”

“I'm sorry.”

“So I've heard.” He huffs angrily, but then commits the mistake of looking at Robb's puppy eyes, and immediately adds. “It's okay.”

“Sorry.” He insists, voice so small. “I'm sorry.”

“Okay, okay. Apology accepted or whatever, never mind.” Then quickly accepts. They are sitting so close that he can practically feel the air exhaled through Robb’s mouth. His hand is shaking on Theon’s grasps as he secures the bandages, and when he tucks the tip to complete the wrap, he has to fight the urge to top it with a little kiss. “Feel what?”

“Mhm?” Robb asks groggily.

“You said you wanted to feel,” He explains. “Feel what?”

“What you—” Robb trails off. “What you said you did with… Ramsay,” He whispers, like that name is forbidden. It should be, really, but Theon tries not to care anymore. “When you went out with Ramsay's lot to those parties outside town. When you called, when you talked to me, you said you felt free.”

Theon had hung out with Ramsay’s friends a tad too long than he should have, going to parties way too savage and dangerous that Robb’s parents, who love him enough to be worried about him, would have never let him go. Shit when down those months he spent them, real tough shit, and when Ned took Theon home after the last night he ever hung out with them, he promised himself he would change and never make the same mistakes again.

His friendship with Ramsay almost ended the one he had with Robb, his true friend and the boy who Theon actually loves, so why on Earth would Robb ever want to have anything to do with all that?

“I wasn't free, Robb. I was with a maniac who does heavy drugs and organizes raves in illegal industrial complexes that end up in police arrests and with junkies killing each other over a smidge of coke. It's not safe, Robb. It's not good. I felt like I was free, but I was trapped into really serious problems.” Theon caresses Robb’s bandaged hand and tries to sound as calm as possible. “You don’t want to mess with that, okay?”

“Yeah, I know. I know it was bad, I know, but— But, man, I— You explained… some things you did, I— You smoked and drank and you played games there, you—”

Theon waits.

“Am I boring?”

That makes Theon chuckle.

“No.” He laughs some more. “No, Robb, you’re not boring, stop thinking that. You don’t need to go to savage parties or do heavy drugs to be interesting. You’ve never bored me once, not one bit, ever. In fact, you’re one of the most interesting people I know, and I know lots of people.”

“Am I?”

“Yes,” He nods, his hand clutching Robb’s. “I mean, your half brother is like, possibly related to dornish nobility, you and your family recreate historic battles for fun… you know how to fight with a sword, that’s pretty cool. Very few people know how to do that now. You always have something to say, you always tell me all the gossip you hear from school, and church and… the battlefield?”

Robb chuckles, uncoordinated by the alcohol, but Theon swears he makes a thousand fairies born every time he laughs.

“I love spending time with you, really. When I went with Ramsay’s lot it wasn’t because you bored me, or some shit like that, it was because I was an idiot and wanted to feel better with myself. Braver, older, fiercer… I am much happier to be with you, each and every single time. I enjoy being with you more than everything else.”

Theon smiles fondly, reinforcing his words with a soft caress over Robb’s face. He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help it when the boy looks so handsome under the moonlight peeking through the bathroom’s window. Robb gives him a faint smile in return, but it is paired with a halo of sadness peeking through his eyes.

“But you kissed him.”

Theon feels the air being punched out of his lungs. He had told Robb that, yeah, but he never seemed to want to know much about the whole story, furthermore that Ramsay was an asshole. That bastard had ruined Theon, to the point of almost getting him killed, in ways that he was still trying to recover. Yet, the only thing he can thank Ramsay for, aside from showing him who he didn’t want to be, is discovering him his attraction to men and make him force himself to stop denying it.

“I did.” Theon scoffs. “Lucky me.”

“No, I mean— You kissed Ramsay.” He mutters, his lips quivering oh so slightly. “You kissed a boy.”

“Yeah.” He nods, then comes to a frightening realization. Gods, Theon knows Robb’s family, but he had never pegged Robb for the same conservative type, and he’s always known that the topic makes Robb a little uncomfortable, but he seemed quite supportive when Theon first talked to him about bisexuality… “It's that a bad thing?”

“Yes!”

Theon stills.

“Robb—”

“I mean no, but,” He explains, visibly shaken. “I mean, the Seven Pointed Star says—”

“Robb, I don’t think I want to talk about this.”

“Theon, it’s wrong.” He says. “It’s immoral, and twisted, and the Gods say it’s wrong.”

“Robb—”

“The texts say,” He insists, tears prickling his eyes. “It says that men that such commit shameful acts will suffer in their own bodies the punishment of their perversion, and that the Seven abandon them to shameful passions, because they will be punished like Kings for the rest of eternity, and—”

It breaks Theon’s heart to hear such things coming out of Robb’s mouth.

I always knew it was weird for him, but I thought he loved me more than that forsaken book, he thinks.

“I thought you supported me.” He mutters, still stricken and hurting to the bone. Robb, who he loves so dearly, maybe even more than he’s supposed to do, saying such things… Betrayed is a word for it, yes, but heartbroken it’s much closer to what Theon is feeling.

“I-I do b-but—” He stutters. “N-Not w-with this.”

“Then you are not supporting me at all.” Theon states. “Robb, this is who I am. I’ve always respected who you are, with your and your family’s beliefs—”

“Theon, you will go to hell!” Robb cries out. “You will get hurt, if it’s not by the Gods, here on Earth, people will hate you! What would your father say, what would most people say if they knew! What would they do to you?” The statement takes Theon a little by surprise. “You still like women, right? Try to keep up with that, try to— Repress the other thing, okay?” And then, with the tiniest of voices, he adds. “Please.”

Theon tries to speak, but the beginning of a sob it’s the only thing he can force out.

For a moment, it’s as if every single moment he’s ever shared with Robb it’s reliving right before his eyes like scenes from a movie: when they were toddlers and would play together at the park, when Theon would run out of his house and climb Robb’s window to seek peace in his arms in the middle of the night, when Theon finally realized his feelings for his friend… Everything, starting to melt away like a film roll being burned into ashes, oh so painfully.

“Theon, please, I do not want to hurt you.” Robb begs. “It’s just that it’s wrong, you understand? The Gods have sent their message so many times disapproving it, and it— It is a depraved thing to do, you understand? Please, keep it away, I know you can.”

“No, Robb—” He finally speaks, his voice broken with tears.

“I know you can, Theon.” He insists. “Please don’t sin like this.”

“It’s not a sin, Robb,” He cuts him off. “It’s part of who I am, you understand? And if you think of me as a sin, I really don’t want to know anything else about you, if you hate me so.”

“I don’t hate you!”

“You do, Robb, even if you don’t realize, you have just told me you think of me as a—” He swallows with difficulty. “A mistake, a-a p-pervert… Am I a depraved, to you? Or the deprivation itself? It’s that what you think of me?”

“I think you can change!”

“No, Robb, I fucking can’t!” He shouts. “No one can, alright? You think I would choose to—” He tries, but he can’t say it.

You think I would choose to love you?

Yes, I would, Theon thinks, because up until this point you’ve always hung the moon and the stars for me and now…

“Do you think that my life would not be easier if I weren’t who I am?”

“There’s time, Theon, you can change!” Robb exclaims, tears streaming down his face, grabbing Theon’s jaw with his wrapped hand. “You’ll be alright, really. Please Theon I can find you help. Please, I’m begging you. You’ll be alright, okay? We’ll be alright.”

Theon simply shakes his head once, then twice, and then he’s trembling so hard and thinking so fast he can’t do anything but swat Robb’s hands away, making him let a loud sob.

“No,” He simply whispers. “I am sorry, Robb. If this is what you think of me… I love you. Very much, really, but—”

“I love you too!” Robb practically shouts. “That’s why—”

“If you’re going to tell me that you love me, and you’re trying to save my soul or some shit like…” Theon says, standing up from where he’s seated and reaching for the bathroom door. Robb follows him all the same, grabbing him by the sleeve of his shirt. “Goodbye, Robb.”

“Theon!” He shouts then, desperately tugging on the fabric. “Please, I love you!”

“No, you don’t.” Theon sentences, ready to give Robb one last explanation. “Not really, if that’s wha—”

But then Robb lurches forward and kisses him.

It’s an awful kiss: it feels a bit too moist and bite-ish on Theon’s lips, as Robb is uncoordinated as hell in his drunken state and uses way too much tongue and teeth, making it hurt and weird. He clutches Theon’s clothes with desperation while kisses him, who doesn’t close his eyes or move his own lips for the entire time because why on Earth would Robb be kissing him after what he has just said? Theon can feel their tears mix as they stand together, salty and so full of pain, where they are both so obviously heartbroken.

Finally, Robb pulls back, not even a slight trace of happiness but an immense grief and dread in his eyes.

“Robb…” He says, helplessly, and watches as Robb breaks into full-blown sobs.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry, I… Gods, I-I’m s-so sorry.” He cries. “I-I love you. I’ve l-loved you s-since I-I was a child. I-I t-tried to fight it, b-but I love you s-so much. I-I’m s-so sorry.”

“Oh, Robb…”

“I’m a-a ho-homosexual.” He whispers.

“Okay.”

“It’s not okay!”

It’s not, dude, He wants to say. You’re right, it's not fucking good, man! You were supposed to be the one who marries a pretty girl and has two-point-five perfect children in the future, friendzoning me on the process. Your mum is going to kill you! But being realistic, he knows that would be an ass move, especially after Robb having just kissed him.

Gods, Robb kissed me, he realizes. Robb kissed me and… said he’s in love with me? I must have fainted with the blood and just fucking raving.

“C’me here.” He urges, opening his arms to catch Robb into a much-needed hug. “C’me here, Robb, let me just—”

Robb smells like booze and sweat, yet still feels amazing in his arms, perfectly fitted under his chin with his face pressed against Theon’s shoulder. Everything he said… everything he said, it’s what he’s been thinking about himself: that he’s a depraved, that he’s a mistake to his and his family’s Gods…

Fuck, Theon thinks. Fuck.

“It’s okay, Robb.” He whispers into his auburn hair. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Will I ever, like,” He mumbles. “Does it pass? Will I ever like women… like you?”

“I don’t think so.” Theon confesses. “If you haven’t already, Robb…”

“I’m gay.”

“Most probably.”

“Fuck.”

“Hey,” Theon exclaims. “You never cursed before.”

“I had never kissed a man before.”

“Touché,” He accepts. “A night of firsts.”

And then.

“I love you too.”

Robb untangles from him, staring up at Theon with his moist eyes oh so full of tears, yet a small string of hope in them.

“You do?”

“Of course I do.” He confesses. “Of course I do, Robb. I wasn’t lying, there’s no one I’d rather be than with you.”

Robb’s smile is giddy and soft, and all Theon wishes is to pick him up, settle him up in his lap and never let him go. Before he can react though, he has a pair of lips back on his, and his hands are now scrunching over cottony ginger hair, pressing Robb’s body to his own.

“Let’s…” Robb mumbles between kisses. “We… We can find a better place for this.”

“Aye, we can.” Theon snorts, looking around. He knows it’s not the place, or the moment. He knows they should wait until they are both sober and stable, but maybe, just making out a bit…

“I am damned.” Robb whispers then, his voice growing frail and scared. His hand crawls up Theon’s cheek and his maimed fingers caress it in drowsy movements, as if he were to vanish. “We’re damned.”

The words feel like ice-cold water, but Theon tries to keep it together, just as if he didn’t felt like either puking or crying his heart out, and takes a hold of Robb, lifting him up in his arms.

“Okay, big boy.” He finally sighs, turning his face away when Robb tries to find his lips once again. “Let’s take you home.”