Archive of Our Own ^beta

The thing he remembers the most about growing up is the struggle to fit in. He never did. Not in school. Not among friends he made along the way. Not even in his own family. He was always the odd one out.

Too desperate for a different life. Too needy for validation and human interaction. For touch, too. He hated being alone, on his own, being left behind. He still does. But with the kind of life they had and are having now again, he learned how to cope. How to deal.

The constants in his life are the chaos, the monsters and Dean.

Always Dean.

While Sam struggled to fit in, Dean always slipped into roles effortlessly. He always knew what to say, how to act, what not to do. At least Sam always thought so for a long time. And Dean still did things he wasn't supposed to. Just for the thrill of it.

And he always knew how to take Sam along with him, how to engage, how to make life something else. And he still does. It used to be exhilarating. This feeling of belonging to someone. Of someone actually knowing him this well. It sometimes still is. But now it just feels good. It feels like home, being with Dean.

The thing is, it shouldn’t be this way.

It shouldn’t be this definite. The way he feels about Dean. His brother. He knows this. And yet, he doesn’t really care.

He never fit in. So why should he start now?

It’s not like he hasn’t been to hell already. And really? It’s not all that it’s made out to be. It’s worse. But it’s worth it when he wakes up in strong arms, pressed against a warm chest, alive. Just like right now. In the middle of the night Sam lies there in his brother’s arms, surrounded by darkness and the never ending noises of the bunker. It’s home. Everything of it.

It’s where he fits. His place.

He never fit in anywhere else. But neither did Dean, despite the way he always made it seem so effortless. And Sam only realized that after his brother said fuck everyone else and kissed him right after Sam graduated highschool. Pressed against the wall at the side of the auditorium, lips hot and gentle, their father nowhere to be seen. Conventions, people’s opinions, their father’s wrath - nothing mattered during that one blissful moment.

It mattered later. Because they still had a conscience going, moral compasses that worked and weren’t as twisted yet. It broke them for a few years. Until Sam was ready to give up trying to fit in. Until Sam was the one saying fuck everyone and everything.

Everything that came after was fate - or rather God - playing games with them.

Now though, now he has Dean. Dean has him. They are fighting, struggling together, never alone again. And despite everything that has happened to them, Sam loves the fact that Dean’s still there. That Dean’s still with him. That they both don’t fit in and never will.

Sam knows he’ll fight for that. For the knowledge that Dean’s there, that Dean’s with him. Sam will go to war to conserve this unnamed thing between them. If he’d believe in such a thing he’d call them soulmates. And then he’d laugh because God’s sense of humor is sick. It would fit his modus operandi.

But Sam never allows himself to think like that. Doesn’t dare to, in fear it might be heard by someone up there and taken away from him. And if the day comes, when one of them has to leave and if it’s Dean first for some reason, Sam will go on. Will live his life to its natural end, however that might look. Simply because that’s what Dean wants. He wants Sam to live. That’s his reason to go on, to fight, to give up soul if necessary.

Sam has to live on. And he will. But he’ll be waiting for the day he’ll be able to join Dean again.

Behind him Dean moves, mumbles something about Sam thinking too loud and to go back to sleep. And Sam just smiles into the darkness of the room. He belongs here.

He’s in love with his brother. His brother is in love with him.

Sam turns, sighs when the embrace is tightened and falls asleep knowing he’ll fight with everything he has to keep this love. Because it fits. Both of them.

If I gotta fight for the right
To be loved and to love