Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For a growing boy, the estate and yard of the Winchester House had been full of possibilities and adventures. There were woods for tree climbing and a lake for fishing and swimming. The summer days always lasted forever and although the Winchesters never spent all of summer at the house, when they were home, the days were filled with laughter and action.

“Move your feet, Cas,” Dean said, when he manages to hit Cas’ fence off his hand once again.

“Yes, Dean,” Cas sighed and picked up his fence. His own father never had time to teach the proper techniques for him, so Dean was much more advanced even when they were nearly the same age. Dean and Sam’s father had been training them for fighting since they were little, and it showed in the way Dean could knock Cas’ weapon off his hands in seconds.

“I could ask if father would let our tutor teach you a few moves?” Dean asked. “Father always says that a proper gentleman should know how to fence.”

“I would appreciate that,” Cas said. “Although I feel I may be a lost cause.”

“No, you aren’t, Cas. You only need a little practice,” Dean said and waved his hand dismissively. “And you need to move your feet and get some movement in your body.”

“You are too hard on him, Dean,” Sam piped up from the edge of the grass where he sat reading a book. “I do believe Cas has been improving greatly.”

“Sure,” Dean grinned at his brother. “I could fight you next if you want to?”

Sam harrumphed and returned to his reading. It was true that the Winchesters had more money for private tutors and such. Not that Castiel’s family was poor, he did receive education, but with his father’s habit of spending time and money on other things than his children and trying to earn a living as an author, unsuccessfully Cas should add, Castiel and Anna did not have as much freedom and guidance as Dean and Sam did.

Cas knew that one way or another he would receive a gentleman’s education, but he would most likely be left to find his own way in the world after that, while Dean would inherit this whole grand estate and be the Master of it.

Not that Castiel was bitter, because no one deserved good things as much as Dean, he was convinced of it. But he would like some good things for himself too occasionally.

Cas did have a lot in common with Sam who was several years younger than him. They both loved formal education more than Dean did, and they could discuss about Sam’ hopes and dreams for the future for hours. Still, with Dean it all felt somehow different. They were as different as two boys approximately the same age could be. Dean was social and humorous, while Castiel was more bookish and reluctant to meet strangers. Dean was athletic and as a twelve-year-old could win fencing matches against adult men. Cas wasn’t as physical, but he had his own strengths and he found himself able to fight his own fights as well. Maybe he was more strategic and could spot the opponents weaknesses, because the few times he had ever managed to win Dean in fencing were when he had been able to distract Dean enough to gain the upper hand. These days Dean had learned the same ability from Cas, proving that he was intelligent even if he pretended not to be, making it almost impossible for Cas to win him in a match. Not that Cas was trying too hard.

“When is your aunt visiting again?” Dean asked when he had thrown his fence in a box for safekeeping.

“I think he and father had a falling out. I don’t know if she is going to visit this summer at all,” Castiel said, laying down next to Dean. Their housekeeper was going to complain about the grass stains in his clothes, but he did not mind very much. “I was waiting for her visit.”

“That’s awful. She is the only one of your family that I like except for you,” Dean said.

“Don’t try to deceive us! You like Anna too,” Sam said. Castiel raised his eyebrows at Dean, who was looking rather red.

“Don’t talk nonsense. Go back to your book!” Dean commanded Sam who grinned.

“You like Anna?” Cas asked. The thought made something lurch deep in his stomach. Of course they were all too young to get married, and Cas’ sister Anna was two years younger than Dean and Cas, but the thought that Dean might fall in love with Anna made Cas uncomfortable. He could not understand the feeling. Dean was a dear friend and being his brother-in-law would be a way to assure that they’d always have the connection. They were already practically acting like brothers.

“No! Not like that,” Dean said. “I think she’s nice, but that’s it.”

“You want to kiss her when you grow up,” Sam added to the discussion.

“No, I don’t! Why would I want to do that?” Dean said.

“Maybe Cas should bring Anna with him some day. You two could practice ballroom dancing with her,” Sam said innocently. The thought made Cas feel slightly ill.

“Maybe,” Dean muttered. “In any case, what should we do today? Other than fencing?”

They began to make plans for the rest of the day and the discussion about Anna was soon forgotten.

Seeing Dean lead Anna on the dance on the floor still made Castiel feel slightly sick as an eighteen-year-old young man. They were as close as ever and Castiel knew that both families had expectations for the union. There had been no engagement, maybe because Anna was still very young at sixteen, but it was loudly talked in the village that the eldest of the Winchester brothers was courting Miss Novak. Whenever Cas asked about it from Dean, Dean didn’t want to share his feelings or talk about his intentions. Nevertheless, it was obvious that at every formal event Dean did eventually ask Anna for a dance, although Castiel didn’t think their attachment was very strong. Anna had always been more rebellious than a young lady of her position should be, and although she had talked about marriage, Cas rather thought she was looking for the adventure that being with Dean could give her more than a true romance.

Castiel had never voiced these thoughts to anyone in the Winchester family. It was not his business to intercept the courting, even though as an older brother he had the responsibility to keep Anna safe from a bad match. Dean wasn’t a bad match though. His family was wealthy, Dean was good-natured and kind, and would undoubtedly offer Anna a good and prosperous future.

No one had caught Cas’ eye yet, although people did gossip and ask about it more than they should.

At the end of the night, carriages arrived to take them back home, and Castiel joined Dean in one of them.

“Did you enjoy your night?” Dean asked.

“I think so,” Castiel answered. “You seem to be giving a lot of attention to Anna.”

“Please, don’t you start, Cas,” Dean let out a groan. “Everyone says that. Anna is a lovely girl.”

“I’m her big brother. I have the right to ask,” Cas smiled, and Dean glared at him.

“Alright, fine. I like her company. As I said, I think she is a lovely girl,” Dean said. “Although I don’t think I’m in love with her.”

That erased the smile from Castiel’s face.

“You are not?” he asked.

“No. I don’t think she is the right person for me. I think we could be comfortable together, but I don’t know if we would ever be truly happy,” Dean answered. He was looking out from the carriage window, avoiding Castiel’s gaze.

“Oh. Is there someone else you are in love with?” Cas asked, keeping his hands firmly on his lap to stop himself from doing something stupid like reaching out to comfort Dean. Dean looked at him quickly with a searching look.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Dean said. “Isn’t it stupid that we are expected to find the one person that will forever make us happy when we are not even sure who we are yet?”

“Yes. I think that is a little silly,” Cas agreed. “How are we to know who will make us happy in ten years? Or twenty or thirty?”

“Who makes you happy, Cas?” Dean asked and looked at him.

“You,” Cas answered with the first word that came to his mind. It was the only truthful response. In his late teen years, Cas knew that it was almost a confession of his improper feelings towards his friend, but in the dimly lit carriage alone with Dean, he didn’t find it in himself to lie. Dean’s answering smile was a little crooked and looked more like a grimace.

“You cannot marry me, Cas,” Dean pointed out.

“I know. But you asked who makes me happy, and there’s only one truly accurate answer to that question,” Cas said, looking right into Dean’s eyes. Dean seemed to hold his breath.

“Cas, I…”

The carriage stopped abruptly, and Cas could hear the heavy steps of Mr. Winchester approaching.

“We are here, boys. Do you need to be taken home, Mr. Novak?” Mr. Winchester asked in his gruff voice.

“I can take the carriage with Anna if she’s still here,” Castiel suggested. Mr. Winchester nodded.

When they were saying their goodbyes, Dean looked like he wanted to say something more but in the end he just wished good night to both Castiel and Anna, before taking his leave inside.

“What did you talk about on the journey? Did he mention me at all?” Anna asked as soon as they were on their way.

Castiel refused to talk about the secrets he had talked with Dean, and Anna just shrugged. She did not seem too upset with Castiel’s quietness which maybe was a sign that she shared Dean’s feelings about the non-existing future prospects of their relationship.

The rest of the night Castiel tried not to think about the way Dean had looked at him in the carriage, because his hopes and dreams connected to Dean were impossible.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Dean asked. That morning Dean had been more quiet than usual and had asked Castiel to join him on a long walk. Castiel got the feeling that Dean’s motivation was to be away from his father who had undoubtedly been pressuring him about his education or his prospective marriage with Anna or both. The relationship between Mr. Winchester and Dean had always been complicated in a way where Dean wanted to please his father’s wishes but never felt that he could fulfill the expectations. Which is why they were now laying side by side on a field of grass and flowers a mile away from the main house and its occupants.

“I don’t know,” Castiel answered him. “I think I want to be happy. And free. Self-sufficient.”

“Yes,” Dean agreed. “Me too. Although it doesn’t seem like I ever will.”

“Why is that?” Castiel asked, raising his head a little.

“My father,” Dean answered, confirming Castiel’s suspicions. “He wants me to be a proper gentleman, go to Cambridge, and marry early. However, I’m not sure higher education is for me. Sam was always better at studying and manners, and I would see him getting married before me also, although he’s still so young.”

“I think I want to study,” Castiel pondered. “I would enjoy Cambridge.”

“You’re smart in that way, Cas. I’m not,” Dean said.

Castiel sat up.

“You’re incredibly intelligent, Dean. You have strategic thinking and I know you enjoy reading. You like machinery too. Maybe that’s not going to take you on a career of law or medicine, but don’t tell me you aren’t smart because I know otherwise,” Castiel said in a serious tone, looking down at Dean who was staring up at his face looking embarrassed at the praise.

“Stop that, Cas,” Dean muttered. “That’s nonsense.”

“It’s the truth. I’m sure you will find the right path for you in life. I have faith in you,” Castiel said, smiling slightly. Dean sat up too and pulled himself close to Castiel on the grass, looking at him intensely.

“Cas,” Dean said, putting his hand on Castiel’s collarbone. The small, gentle touch took Castiel’s breath away.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Castiel whispered.

“Something I have wanted for a while. Something I will probably regret,” Dean said and leaned close, keeping his lips only a breath apart from Castiel’s. “Tell me no.”

Castiel shook his head almost imperceptibly. His heart was hammering against his ribs.

“I won’t,” he whispered and closed the distance between their lips. The feeling of Dean’s lips moving against his was indescribable, unfamiliar but welcoming, like coming home after having been away for years. Dean’s hand moved behind Castiel’s neck and slid softly into his hair to keep his head at place. Not that Castiel was going anywhere. This was perfection and he had no plans of cutting the kiss short. He could feel Dean’s tongue against his lips and it made the kiss more intense. Castiel tried to unnoticeably remove the pressure he was feeling between his legs, but of course Dean noticed and pulled back.

“Cas,” he sighed, not removing his hand from Castiel’s hair, and leaning his forehead against Castiel’s.

“Dean,” Castiel said and stole another short kiss from Dean to assure him that he wanted this too. Dean put his hand on Castiel’s thigh.

“Do you want to…?” Dean asked, moving his hand towards Castiel’s crotch. “Cas, I want to…”

“Yes,” Castiel gasped. “Anything you want.”

Castiel pulled Dean closer to him by the waist and noticed that Dean’s tight breeches were bulging out too and with a rush of courage put his hand on the bulge. Dean let out a moan that he tried to quiet against Castiel’s neck. Castiel got on his knees without interrupting the kiss and crawled on top of Dean, so one of Dean’s thighs was between his legs and pressed down. It provided pressure for both their hard cocks, and Dean’s hand tightened in Castiel’s hair.

A rumble of thunder interrupted their exploration. Castiel looked up at the sky where a cloud had covered the sunlight and, in the horizon, dark gray clouds loomed, threatening to pour their contents on them.

“It’s going to rain soon,” Dean said and met Castiel’s eyes.

“We are quite a way away from the house. Should we leave before we get wet?” Castiel said, concerned. It was the last thing he wanted, to interrupt what they were doing, but maybe the interruption had brought Dean into his senses and reminded him that this was a decidedly bad idea.

“I have a better idea,” Dean said and sat up. Castiel let him get away from under him and Dean was soon on his feet and pulling Castiel up with him. They both had grass stains on their clothes.

“Follow me,” Dean said, taking Castiel’s hand in his and pulling him along. Castiel followed Dean’s lead like he had so many times before.

They walked along the tree line, when the first flash of lightning lit up the field that had now fallen into dim, yellow-colored light. There was a little yard house on the edge of the forest and when a strong rush of wind made the trees bend down, Dean began to run towards it, pulling Castiel along.

The rain managed to hit them while Dean was opening the door, but when Castiel looked outside, he knew that a few more seconds outside would have made them both dripping wet. Now they had managed to get inside just in time to only have a few droplets fall on them.

“What is this place?” Castiel asked, removing his jacket to dry on the back of a chair and looking around for candles.

“It’s an old groundskeeper cottage. It hasn’t been used for years, but I sometimes played here as a child with Sam. We were warned to not come here on our own years ago, because father was scared we’d get lost in the woods, so I had almost forgotten its existence,” Dean said. Castiel managed to find a few old candles while Dean went to look for flint and tinder. It took a few tries, but together they succeeded in lighting two candles and put them on the bedside and the kitchen tables.

“Lucky you remembered it now,” Castiel said, walking round the one room cottage, now that he could see it better, and touching the worn-out furniture. Dean had removed his jacket too and put it on another chair.

“Umm,” he hummed. “I’m sorry if I overstepped the boundaries out there on the field.”

“Dean,” Castiel turned to look at him. “I don’t regret anything that happened.”

“Me neither,” Dean whispered. “Except the damn storm.”

“Yes. I would have very much liked to continue what we were doing,” Castiel said, staring into Dean’s eyes across the room. “In fact, the sight of that bed next to you is giving me some ideas about how to pass the time before the weather lets up.”

Dean looked at the bed against the wall and gulped loudly. Then he patted the cover on top of it. In the light of the candle, Castiel saw a cloud of dust puff into the air.

“Better remove this,” Dean muttered and took the top cover off. Underneath was a surprisingly soft looking bed that didn’t look like critters or mold had got to it yet. Dean sat on the edge.

“Dean, if you don’t want to go any further, you need to just tell me,” Castiel said. “I will remain your friend nevertheless.”

“It’s not that!” Dean said. “I… haven’t done anything like this with anyone before.”

“Do you think I have?” Castiel said. “Only an hour ago I thought I would happily wait for a wedding night, but now… Dean, I want you, but I can take the rejection if the feelings are not mutual.”

“They are,” Dean whispered. “Come here?”

Castiel moved closer to the bed. The thunder, rain, and wind were loud outside, but Castiel only had eyes for Dean. They settled to lie side by side on the narrow bed and began by kissing again. Slowly, Dean’s touches became more insistent, and he kept Castiel close with a tight grip on his collar. Castiel opened the flap on Dean’s breeches, fumbled a bit with the layers of clothing before finding his way under them. When he managed to release Dean’s dick, Dean made an appreciative moan.

“You too, Cas,” Dean said against Castiel’s lips and pushed his hips against him. Castiel managed to open his own trousers and pull out his hard cock. Although no one had ever taught them anything about the mechanics, Castiel wondered how good it would feel to rub their sensitive organs against each other, and pulled Dean’s hips against his. With a little bit of spit to make things more slippery, the two teenagers managed to fumble their ways into mutual releases. Afterwards they lay on the bed looking at each other, one of them occasionally stealing a kiss, and listening to the ever more distant rumbles of thunder. The rain was letting up too.

“Cas, please tell me this won’t drive us apart?” Dean asked.

“I don’t see how it could,” Cas said. “I can’t foresee the future, but you make me happy, Dean Winchester. I want you to be happy too.”

“Good. So do I.”

When they got back to the Winchester House late in the evening, Dean’s father gave them both a strict lecture about responsibility and worrying their families needlessly. Castiel shared a look with Dean and was glad that no one knew what they had really been up to.

The next time happened when Dean pulled them into a garden shed and got on his knees. The inexperienced licking and sucking and the sight of Dean being so vulnerable with him, made Castiel release sooner than he had expected. Afterwards he returned the favor with his hand, Dean not taking more than a few pulls to reach his own peak.

They kept having short, unplanned moments together until Dean’s father left them alone in the house one afternoon when he took Sam to the town. They took the opportunity to get more undressed than they ever had before with each other. Castiel took Dean into his mouth in Dean’s bed, and in the middle of pleasure had an idea. So far Dean had been alarmed any time Castiel had brought up what he’d like to do with Dean. Dean had seemed hesitant to try full intercourse, but Castiel had noticed Dean enjoyed Castiel touching his buttocks. He had a suspicion that Dean would enjoy being on the receiving end, but he wasn’t going to force Dean into anything he didn’t like.

“Dean, do you trust me?” Castiel asked, pulling back and letting Dean’s cock drop out of his mouth.

“Yes, Cas. More than anyone,” Dean said, looking at him with lust in his eyes.

“Will you let me try something? You can tell me to stop if you don’t like it,” Castiel asked.

“What would you try?” Dean asked nervously.

“I want to try to put a finger inside you. Not my cock, just a finger,” Castiel said. “It would be easier with some oil, but I think I can use spit too.”

“Oh,” Dean gasped. “You won’t want it to go further?”

“Only if you want it too,” Castiel said calmly. Dean cursed.

“Wait a moment,” he jumped from the bed, walking across the room, his hard cock bouncing against his skin. He opened a little cupboard, took something out, and closed it again before returning to the bed. “This is skin oil. I have used it once or twice when I have… myself… if you understand. It feels good.”

Castiel took the little bottle and poured some on his fingers. It was slippery and would help make things easier.

“Dean, I will only do this if you’re sure,” Castiel said.

“I’m sure, I want to try it, Cas.”

Castiel returned to his sucking and licking, helping Dean relax on the bed. He slowly took his fingers between Dean’s legs and teased the tight opening with just the tips. The hole twitched when Castiel added a little pressure and slid one tip into the channel. Dean moaned which gave Castiel more confidence to push the whole finger inside.

With a little effort and Dean’s encouraging words and sounds he succeeded in getting two fingers inside Dean and finding a place that made Dean push his hips upwards and let out a long moan.

“That is a very good place, Cas. Can you rub it more?” Dean asked.

“Like this?” Cas crooked his fingers and Dean’s hips twitched.

“Yes.”

It didn’t take too long for Dean to release into Castiel’s mouth. Castiel crawled on top of him and rubbed his cock against Dean’s thigh while they kissed until he too was reaching his pleasure.

“Thank you,” Castiel said afterwards when they had cleaned up and redressed.

“For what?” Dean asked, puzzled.

“For trusting me,” Castiel said.

“Cas, I…” Dean began but seemed to change his mind about what he has been close to saying. “I always trust you.”

“I love you,” Castiel let out.

“What?” Dean said, looking stunned.

“I do. I have known it for a while, and wanted you to know,” Castiel shrugged.

“Cas, I’m not good with words,” Dean said. “It’s… hard to get the words out. But, umm, I feel the same.”

Castiel didn’t answer or push Dean further but instead leaned close to kiss him gently. He was happier than he could ever remember being in his life.

Which of course meant it was all about to be taken away from him.

When thinking back to that afternoon in later years, Castiel couldn’t quite tell everything that happened.

The garden shed had become their trusted harbor where to hide when they wanted to be alone. It was an afternoon like any other when Castiel and Anna had been visiting the Winchesters. During their walk on the grounds Dean had winked at him, and they had made their way to the shed. Because they had been doing it for weeks now and hadn’t been caught yet, they had perhaps turned a little careless.

Maybe he had been too focused on the kiss and hands moving on their bodies. Dean had been like an enchantment that made him forget everything else, including the fact that what they were doing was strictly forbidden. For a teenager it may have even made it more exciting. Either Castiel hadn’t heard the steps passing by outside the shed or he had chosen to ignore them.

What Anna saw when she opened the shed door to explore the curious sounds coming from there was her brother pushing her rumored future fiancé against the shed wall and Dean grasping at the back of Castiel’s jacket. At first Anna thought they were fighting, but then he noticed the pleased noises coming from both of them and her eyes widened.

“What are you doing?” she shouted, making both men jump and break apart.

“Anna!” Castiel said, sounding panicked and wiping his lips. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing. I can’t believe you two. I’m going to tell someone,” Anna turned on her heels and ran away before anyone could stop her.

The repercussions were uncomfortable for everyone involved.

To avoid the scandal, Cas was sent to Cambridge to finish his gentleman’s education and to get him something to do to help him avoid temptations. It wasn’t as bad as Cas had expected, because he had intended to attend at some point in any case. The incident just speeded the process a little bit.

Dean, on the other hand, was sent to join the military. Mr. Winchester paid for Dean to become an officer and he would be leaving the country. On top of that his first-born son’s rights were transferred to Sam, although he would still inherit his own share of his father’s fortune. Sam wasn’t happy with the decision either, but there was nothing they could do about it. For the rest of the time before their ways would part, possibly forever, Dean and Cas were kept strictly apart to stop them from bringing more shame to their families. Although with the help of their younger siblings they managed to have a few short meetings.

Anna was devastated and apologetic when she realized what her words and actions in her haste to share what she had seen had caused. She had only been surprised and confused to find her brother and the man who she had accepted she might one day marry in such a situation and hadn’t stopped to think about her actions. When she begged for Castiel’s forgiveness, Castiel granted it to her at once. It wasn’t her fault that they had been reckless and let their natures lead them. They could only blame themselves for the consequences.

The last time Castiel and Dean met was bittersweet. They had moved past tears and accepted their fates.

“I love you,” Castiel said. “If I could, I would ask you to marry me.”

“I share your feelings. I would gladly accept the proposal,” Dean sighed. “Listen, Cas. I want you to be happy. Marry someone you like. I don’t want to live my life thinking that you’re unhappy somewhere in the world.”

“I could tell you the same thing,” Castiel said. “I know you have a tendency to self-sacrifice your own happiness for others. I want you to stay safe, stay alive, and find your own source of happiness.”

Even though they stood there staring at each other for what must have been a long time, before Sam called to them that it was time to cut the meeting, it still wasn’t long enough time to take in all of Dean. Castiel wanted there to be enough time for them that he could count all the freckles on Dean’s face and the golden spots in the green of his eyes, but they would never again have enough time for that. Thinking back to the endless summer afternoons on the Winchester House yard, Castiel mourned for everything that could have been. If only they'd had a little more time.

Although in reality, for a couple such as them, there were no happily ever afters.

“Goodbye, Cas,” Dean said, wiping a hair from his forehead and kissing him gently.

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas answered and looked after Dean walking away. He turned to look back one more time and Castiel could swear that he saw the same pain in Dean’s eyes that he felt at that moment.

Chapter Text

Castiel looked out of the townhouse window. If the weather stayed fair, he might have a stroll in the park to stretch his legs after doing official affairs the whole morning. Maybe he could ask Miss Bradbury to join him.

This wasn’t what Castiel had expected his life to be when he grew up, but the lifestyle suited him. Officially he was his aunt’s, Lady Amara Novak’s, companion and legal heir, and most of the official correspondence of her estates went through him. During the season they lived in London, occasionally visiting Bath or other places, but Lady Amara also owned a large estate in the countryside. It was an active life that Castiel enjoyed, with varying acquaintances who didn’t all sit in the strict roles that Castiel had learned in his childhood home. Lady Amara kept varied company, some of whom Castiel assumed to share his inclinations. When Castiel had finished his education, his father had been so deep in the debts that he had given up the house where they had lived and disappeared to God knows where, but instead of forcing Castiel to look for employment to take care of himself and Anna, Lady Amara had taken them both in. Now Anna had been married to a gentleman of good nature and fortune for the last five years, and Castiel was happy for her.

Despite what he had promised all those years ago, he hadn’t married, but he was content with his life. Miss Charlene Bradbury was one of the friends he had made through Lady Amara’s acquaintances, and they had soon grown close. When gossip about whether their close friendship soon would lead to an engagement went around the town, Castiel had confided in her that he wasn’t interested in marrying any woman. In return Miss Bradbury had confessed that she, in fact, would have been very interested in marrying a woman, but society didn’t allow her to do that. After those confessions, Castiel had talked about his friendship with Dean, without naming the other party of course, and his personal history. Miss Bradbury had had her own share of scandals, but had been protected by the fortune she had inherited from her parents. Once or twice, they had joked about marrying each other, just to stop the inquiries about their continued single lifestyles, but it would just cause other inquiries further down the line.

Miss Bradbury lived only down the street from Lady Amara’s house, which meant that they did spend a considerable amount of time together. Castiel was happy to have such a friend who forced him out of his comfort zone and encouraged him to meet new people and try new things.

That moment the housekeeper knocked on Castiel’s door.

“Mr. Novak? Miss Bradbury is here to see you. May I send her in?”

“Of course!” Castiel answered and rose from his chair to greet his friend. He stretched and noticed that his limbs and back weren’t as pliable as they had been when he was young. Not that at thirty he was old, per se, but he couldn’t call himself young either. Castiel tried his best to keep himself in good physical condition with daily walks and by training fencing and with horseback riding, but he could definitely feel the traces of age in his body already.

When the housekeeper had closed the door behind Miss Bradbury, she rushed to him.

“How has your day been so far?” Castiel asked.

“Oh, I’ve had a quiet morning but last night was lovely,” Miss Bradbury said and took a seat.

“Oh? What especially made it so lovely?”

“I think I made a new friend. He is new in the town, an officer who has only now returned to England, and has taken a house in the neighborhood,” Miss Bradbury said.

“Sounds exciting indeed,” Castiel said. “Where did you meet?”

“He attended the same play as I did in and we ended up talking about the play, and then about other things,” Miss Bradbury said. “He made me laugh with his good nature and quick wit. He seemed well-read too.”

“Sounds charming. If I didn’t know better, I would think you are attracted to this new friend of yours,” Castiel teased.

“I think not,” Miss Bradbury scoffed. “I do, however, think that you could enjoy his company.”

Castiel raised his eyebrow. When she had first learned about where Castiel’s interests were directed at, she had tried suggesting some of her friends to Castiel, but Cas had never been too interested in them or the interest had not been mutual.

“My my, you only met yesterday, and you already know him intimately enough to know his inclinations,” Cas said.

“I do not know, but there was a certain air about him. He was courteous as a gentleman should be, but I feel his eyes lay on the handsome actors a little too long,” Miss Bradbury said. “He was also handsome enough that he turned many ladies' heads at the event.”

“I know you only mean good, Charlene, and I appreciate the effort, but I don’t think I have enough energy to face another possibility of a scandal,” Cas sighed. The previous one still hurt him all these years later. “I will of course meet any friend of yours and be polite, but I won’t seek an illicit affair.”

“As you like,” Charlene shrugged. “Maybe I'll introduce you to each other at some point, so we can see if there's any attraction between you two. Now, do you want to go for a walk? It’s a lovely day outside.”

When they returned from their walk, they found Lady Amara returning home from her own errands.

“Good afternoon, young ones. How has your day been?” Lady Amara asked them, smiling. “Charlene. A pleasure to see you, as always. Would you like to stay for dinner tonight?”

“I would be happy to!” Charlene said. “In that case, I need to go home to change and tell my staff to take a free night.”

She departed and Castiel followed Lady Amara inside.

“How are you, Castiel?” Lady Amara asked. “You look a little tired.”

“Oh no, I’m fine. It’s been a long day,” Castiel said. “Although Charlene has been more active with her social life than I, and she will undoubtedly tell you all about it at dinner.”

“Undoubtedly,” Lady Amara smiled. “You can go and take a rest for a moment. I will call you down when it’s time for dinner.”

“Thank you.”

Despite it only being the three of them at dinner, Castiel dressed formally for the event. It was Lady Amara’s wish for them to always dress up for dinner even if it was just family. In her eyes it made an everyday event feel like a celebration and reminded them of the little things in life. It was of little inconvenience and Castiel liked that he could change out of the dusty and sometimes dirty clothes he wore to his daily walks. It was a comfortable and familiar routine by now and he appreciated it.

At dinnertime, he heard a knock on the door and knew it was Charlene. Someone opened the door and Castiel could hear Charlene’s voice and laughter downstairs. Quickly, he also made himself ready for dinner and went downstairs.

When they sat down at the table, Charlene did indeed tell all about her previous night to Lady Amara in her lively and detailed way.

“Mmm. Does this gentleman friend of yours have a name? It sounds like you have mentioned everything else about him, except that detail,” Lady Amara asked.

“Of course, he does,” Charlene said. “Names are the least interesting thing about a person.”

“Maybe so, but they are very convenient for identifying someone, or to help recognize if someone is already your acquaintance,” Lady Amara said. Castiel laughed.

“Very well. His name is Captain Dean Winchester, if you want to know,” Charlene said.

Castiel felt his carefully rebuilt life fall apart around himself. His calm and collected personality that had replaced his careless, rebellious phase from his younger years cracked at just hearing that name again after so many years of no one speaking it aloud. The room around him was pulsing, as if getting smaller and larger at the same time, and he hardly noticed that he had dropped his cutlery on his plate with a loud clatter. Somewhere between he had begun to shake.

“Castiel? Are you alright?” Charlene asked, sounding panicked.

“Castiel, take some water. For me?” Lady Amara said and poured water into his glass, helping him sip on it. “It will all be alright.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Charlene asked, the sound of her voice still feeling like Castiel heard it from far away or through a thick blanket.

“I will explain later. There is some… history, between Mr. Winchester and Castiel. You said he’s a captain now?” Lady Amara said.

“Excuse me,” Castiel said, getting up from the table in shaky legs. “I think I need a moment for myself.”

Neither of the ladies tried to stop him, and Castiel knew it was partly because they wanted him out of the room, so that they could share the gossip in peace.

When Castiel reached his room and closed the door behind himself, he knew he was acting foolish. He was no longer that young man, almost a child, who had been in love with Dean Winchester and would have risked anything, including his own life, to be with him. There was no reason now to be so shocked that Dean walked the same Earth and apparently the streets of the same town with him. Somewhere in London Dean was probably having his own dinner and discussing the new acquaintance he had made at the theater. Castiel closed his eyes and tried to focus on what he had now. He had friends, he had a kind of family, although not the most traditional one, he had a comfortable home and good reputation. He was even allowed the freedom to be himself to an extent, as long as he didn’t let too many people know about his queer inclinations. Meeting Dean could ruin all of that for him. If Castiel’s reaction to only hearing his name tonight was a sign of how he would react to meeting the man himself, he wouldn’t be able to hide their personal history for long if at all.

It would also be disastrous for Dean who had managed to build himself a respectable career as an officer. There was no way Castiel could take responsibility for ruining that for him. Maybe Dean was married. Charlene had not mentioned it, Castiel didn’t think she had, but it was possible that Dean had settled down in London because he was married or engaged to be married. The thought of Dean happy with another person hurt Castiel somewhere deep in his chest.

The good thing was that Dean was alive. Countless days and nights Castiel had worried about him going to war and losing his life. It would have made Castiel blame himself for it, because without him Dean never would have had to leave.

There was a knock at his door and Castiel knew it had to be either Charlene or Lady Amara who came to check on him.

“Enter,” Castiel called out.

Charlene opened the door.

“Forgive me, Castiel. I did not know,” she said, coming to sit on a chair next to Castiel’s desk. “You never talk about the details of your past.”

“I don’t because there’s nothing to talk about. It’s in the past,” Castiel said, staring at the desk in front of him.

“But it can still hurt and affect you. Are you still in love with Dean?” Charlene asked, blunt as ever and not ever trying to soften the blow of those words.

“No,” Castiel said. “I haven’t met him in twelve years. I don’t even know who he is now.”

“You were in love with him when you parted, yes?”

“Yes,” Castiel whispered. “Lady Amara told you the story, I trust? In the aftermath, I was sent into Cambridge, and afterwards I didn’t return to the town because I was sure there would be rumors. No one knew, except our closest families, but I didn’t want to cause more trouble than I already had.”

“It’s not causing trouble to fall in love,” Charlene sighed. “It shouldn’t be.”

“I know. Yet it felt like I should have been more careful. Which is why I have always been sure to be more careful in my later life. Not given my heart to someone to avoid the heartbreak and scandals it would undoubtedly cause again,” Castiel said. “I’m happy Dean, Captain Winchester, is making a life for himself. I always hoped he would.”

“Castiel, you cannot live your life scared of falling in love. That is no way for anyone to live,” Charlene said.

“It’s the only way for me. Except if I happen to find someone who would move with me somewhere no one knows us and live forever as two bachelors sharing a household,” Castiel laughed. “Who would ever want to do that for me? No, it’s better not even think about it.”

“What about Captain Winchester? What if he still had feelings for you as well?” Charlene asked. Castiel shook his head.

“I couldn’t. It’s better for him if I don’t stand in the way of his happiness,” Castiel said.

Charlene had a disapproving look on her face.

“Alright. Do as you like. I asked Lady Amara to send some dinner for you upstairs, since it was cut short. I think I will take my leave now. It has definitely been an interesting evening,” Charlene said, standing up.

“Thank you. I will see you in a couple of days,” Castiel said. “I think I will spend a few days composing myself again.”

Charlene nodded and left. Castiel could hear her steps go down and soon other steps come up when a servant brought him some more dinner.

In the morning, Castiel woke up with a headache. His dreams had been scattered assemblies of memories he hadn’t thought about for a long time and imagined possibilities of what their lives could have looked like. He kept waking up, expecting not to be alone in his bed, although he had never taken another lover since his teenage years. He abandoned all hope for peaceful sleep at sunrise and went to prepare for a new day.

At the breakfast, Lady Amara greeted him cordially and did not press Castiel to talk about it. They had, of course, talked about it before. When Castiel had been lost and shunned by his acquaintances, Lady Amara had invited him to join her during the breaks from Cambridge and afterwards had asked him to live with her as her companion. During those years, Castiel had told her everything that he had felt for Dean, and although he hadn’t gone into explicit details, Lady Amara was intelligent enough to put it all together.

She had always approved of Dean as a nice young gentleman and been glad about their friendship. Somehow, she had been the only person who hadn’t been terribly surprised by their relationship either.

After Castiel had begun to live with Lady Amara, he understood why. In Lady Amara’s group of acquaintances, those kinds of attractions or relationships were not unheard of. Although Lady Amara had never married or taken a lover to Castiel’s knowledge, she wasn’t ignorant about the ways the world worked. She had accepted Castiel, which in his younger years had saved his sanity and possibly his life too.

Now Lady Amara was quietly drinking tea and expecting Castiel to bring up any thoughts he had.

“I’m sorry about the interrupted dinner. It was quite rude of me to fall apart like that,” Castiel said.

Lady Amara waved her hand at the apology.

“It was not your fault but of the circumstances. How do you feel now?” she asked.

“Better. I have a slight headache, but I’m feeling fine,” Castiel said.

“Castiel, it’s alright to not feel settled after such an unexpected shock. You are allowed to take your time to collect your thoughts,” Lady Amara said.

“Shouldn’t twelve years be enough to have gone through them?” Castiel asked.

“Dear Castiel, you have spent twelve years going over how you lost him, now you have to take some time to think about the possibility of him being back in your life. It’s not an unreasonable request to ask for a little time to understand your own feelings about that. Not twelve years, I hope, but a few days,” Lady Amara said, gently.

“You are right,” Castiel said. “I think the most shocking part was finding out about him returning from someone else. It hurts to know that he might have not thought about me at all when he returned to England.”

“You should try to avoid those thoughts. You cannot see into another person’s mind and can’t possibly know how much he has or hasn’t thought about you,” Lady Amara said and raised one eyebrow. “The only way would be to ask him directly.”

“I don’t think I’ll get a chance to do that,” Castiel sighed. “I’m not sure I want to know either.”

Lady Amara put her hand on Castiel’s arm.

“Give it a little more time. At least you know that you can find him again through Charlene if you change your mind. I think you should not turn him away only because you are scared,” Lady Amara said. “It is alright to be scared but don’t let that rule how you live your life.”

Castiel nodded. He knew that Lady Amara was right but the wound in his soul that he had thought had healed years ago, had opened again last night. Now it would be better for Castiel to not poke at it further and let it heal again.

Three days after the disastrous dinner, Castiel received a note from Charlene. She had invited him to join a small gathering of friends at her house that evening. The note was carefully worded in a way that let Castiel know he had better attend or else Charlene would personally come to drag him out of the house.

Castiel sighed. He knew he couldn’t avoid the rest of the world for all his life, and it was time to get himself back together. Castiel rose on his feet and went to inform Lady Amara of his evening plans.

Castiel arrived at Charlene’s house in his eveningwear. After a few days spent inside feeling sorry for himself, it was nice to meet some of their friends and spend a night with someone else than Lady Amara. Castiel loved his aunt very much, but she had a keen eye for everything Castiel was thinking, and it would be a relief to be with some people who did not know him and all his secrets so well.

“Welcome, Castiel!” Charlene welcomed him, looking stunning as always.

“Thank you, Charlene,” Castiel said and smiled at her. “Thank you for getting me out of the house for a change.”

“You’re very welcome. Come meet people!” Charlene was pulling him by hand in a very intimate way that Castiel would have felt awkward if they weren’t among friends. They walked across the hall towards the large evening room, where Charlene usually set her gaming tables for her evening entertainment. There were comfortable chairs and a piano in case someone wanted to play some music or dance. Charlene brought him in and Castiel looked around the room, knowing most of the faces he could see. There were already some couples dancing, one of them a couple of two women Castiel knew lived together more or less like a married couple would, and several tables set up for cards.

“I need to go arrange some things, Castiel, but I’m sure you know your way around,” Charlene said and left again, leaving Castiel to stand on his own.

The first thing he needed was something to drink, and he saw a table on the other side of the room. He headed towards it, stopping on the way to greet friends and acquaintances, and feeling like this was going to be a good night before he arrived at his intended destination. Maybe he would join a game of cards or take his turn on the dancefloor. If he said it himself, he was a confident dancer and enjoyed the exercise of it. He poured himself a drink and sipped it while walking around.

On the other side of the room, he could hear a laughter that sounded familiar but took him a moment to place in his mind. Before he fully had, he turned to look in the direction and saw a beautiful young man, about his age and dressed in the Royal Navy uniform, throwing his head back in laughter and saw that the sound came from him. When the man turned a little, Castiel felt a heavy weight settle in his stomach. The man’s hair was longer than Castiel remembered, falling on his forehead and around his ears in soft waves.

He couldn’t believe that Charlene hadn’t warned him. It was so unfair when she had seen Castiel’s reaction the other night.

Dean was talking with a woman, whose name Castiel couldn’t remember, but they both seemed to have a good time. Castiel drank his cup empty in one go, both because he was seeking courage from the bottom of it and at the fear that he would soon drop it unless he set it on a table.

Castiel saw Dean say something to his companion before he fully turned around and his eyes met with Castiel’s. Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a surprise to him, when Dean’s beautiful face paled and his mouth fell open.

If the woman Dean had been talking with tried to say something more, Dean didn’t notice because he was walking to Castiel. Castiel felt his legs tremble.

“Cas…” Dean whispered and then seemed to notice all the other people surrounding them and pulled himself together. “Mr. Novak. I hope you are well.”

“Pleasure to meet you again, Mr. Winchester,” Castiel said, managing to hold his voice steady. “I should say, Captain Winchester if I’m not mistaken.”

“You’re not,” Dean said and stared at Castiel in a way that made him forget there was anyone else in the room. In a way that brought Castiel back to his childhood days and reminded him of looking into those same eyes before closing the distance between their mouths. Looking into Dean’s eyes now reassured Castiel that maybe his lingering feelings weren’t as one-sided as he had feared.

“How are you, Cas? Are you married? Are you happy?” Dean asked.

“Good. No. Yes,” Castiel answered, not turning his gaze away. “In that order. Not married. I’m happy with it though. How about you?”

“Oh. Alright,” Dean swallowed. “No, I’m not married. The happiness part is, uh, a work in progress.”

It was a confusing statement, and Castiel had a hard time wrapping his head around Dean being here and not in love with anyone else.

“Oh dear, you two need to find yourself a room I dare say,” Charlene’s voice interrupted Castiel’s thoughts and he turned to look at her walking towards them. “It’s nice to know that you still have a connection after all these years.”

“Charlie,” Dean said warningly. “What is this about?”

“Ask Castiel,” Charlene said, nodding towards Castiel. “All I am saying is that the way you two look at each other could make a weaker person feel awkward to be in the same room.”

“Did you arrange this?” Dean asked from her suspiciously and then turned to Castiel. “Did you know about this?”

“I knew Charlene had met you, but I didn’t know you would be here,” Castiel said. He could hear Dean swallow loudly again.

“Alright,” he nodded, looking suspicious. “Charlie, I warned you the other day that I don’t need anyone trying to intervene in my relationships.”

“I would never,” Charlene threw her hands up as a sign of defeat. “Well, I’m happy you two have met again. I need to attend to my guests. In case you need a more private place where to discuss…”

“Thank you, Charlene,” Castiel said dryly. “I believe we will manage from here.”

Charlene grinned and winked before disappearing again.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said. “Charlene told me about your meeting and mentioned your name. I didn’t expect to meet you so soon. I… I would have preferred a more… private reunion.”

“Cas,” Dean sighed. “It is what it is. How do you know Charlie then?”

They stood at the edge of the room talking to each other about everything they had missed during the years that were between them. Castiel talked about ordinary things, his first meeting with Charlene, his life with Lady Amara, his education, and he found his own life events rather boring compared to Dean. Dean had stories about distant places, life on the seas, exotic animals, but also about war and bloodshed which Castiel never would have liked him to face.

“I should write to Sam and tell him I’ve met you. He said you lost contact at some point?” Dean asked.

“Oh. Yes,” Castiel stammered. He didn’t know how to put into words how he had knowingly escaped from all places and people who reminded him of Dean in his grief. It felt too personal and intimate, although Dean was the very reason, he had closed himself off from other people for so many years. “I would be happy to meet Sam again.”

“He was married a few years ago to a lovely lady called Jessica and is the master of the Winchester House now. I think it suits him better than it ever would have suited me,” Dean said, trying to grin but his expression was full of sadness.

Castiel wanted to reach out to touch him, but he pulled his hand back at the last moment. Dean was an officer, Castiel had his reputation to protect. Even old rumors that had been buried a long time ago could be awakened by new rumors. Cas didn’t want anyone to look more into why Dean had joined the navy all those years ago.

“It would have suited you as well, Dean. I always had faith in you becoming a just and gentle master of the house,” Castiel said. “You can still become that if you buy or rent a house of your own.”

“Maybe,” Dean said. “Living alone with servants in a big house doesn’t feel right though. I’m renting a townhouse now, but it’s not where I want to settle down.”

“You could get married?” Castiel suggested, although the words caught in his throat.

“No, I…” Dean began and fell silent. He gave Castiel a searching look. “I don’t think marriage is for me. I have only wanted to marry one person in my life, and that’s impossible.”

That sentiment made Castiel close his mouth and forget what he had been about to say. He remembered their last meeting before their parting well over a decade ago, and the pain of that parting hit him all over again, as fresh as the day it happened, although the man he had left behind was standing in front of him now, staring at him with a serious expression.

The desire to kiss Dean was overwhelming him.

“Dean…”

Dean shook his head.

“I know, Cas. We don’t need to talk about it now,” Dean said and turned the discussion to other topics. He asked about Anna, and Castiel was happy to change the topic of the conversation.

At the end of the night, Dean asked, speaking in a low voice no one else could hear.

“Cas, can I walk you home? Do you live nearby?”

“Yes,” Castiel answered. “Just down the street.”

The short walk in the darkening night alone with Dean when all around them the town was buzzing with life made butterflies erupt in Castiel’s stomach like they never had with anyone else.

“Cas, I…” Dean said when they stood in front of Lady Amara’s door. “I have missed you.”

“I have missed you too, Dean. More than you know.”

“I think I know,” Dean said, then took Cas’ hand in his and kissed the back of it like Castiel was a lady Dean was courting. It made the butterflies inside him flutter wildly. “Good night, Cas.”

“Wait, Dean. Where do you live?” Castiel asked.

“Just a short walk away on the other side of those houses,” Dean said. “I’m only renting until I find somewhere I want to settle down.”

The look Dean gave him was pointed and Castiel could only guess what he meant with the words. Castiel nodded.

“Good night, Dean,” he said and with the last look opened the door and went inside.

The next morning on the breakfast Lady Amara noticed that Castiel was deep in thoughts.

“Are you feeling alright?” Lady Amara asked.

“Mm? Yes, I am quite well, thank you,” Castiel responded, pulled from a memory of green eyes.

“What are you thinking about so intensely?”

Castiel sighed and set the utensils down.

“I met Dean Winchester again last night,” Castiel said. Lady Amara raised her eyebrows. “Charlene had invited him to her party.”

“I see. You don’t seem too upset about it,” Lady Amara pointed out.

“I’m not. I was upset at Charlene for not telling me we were both invited, but… I’m not now,” Castiel said.

“Hmmmh,” Lady Amara made a sound that Castiel didn’t know how to interpret. “How is Mr. Winchester?”

“Captain Winchester,” Castiel corrected.

“I see. How is Captain Winchester then?” Lady Amara said, looking like she was trying to hide a smile.

“He seemed to be well. We talked a little and tried to get reacquainted,” Castiel said, picking up his utensils again, as if the conversation wasn’t affecting him at all.

“Castiel,” Lady Amara said. “Be careful. I know you are, but you’re in real danger of falling in love again unless you’re careful.”

“Would that be so bad?” Castiel asked and looked right into Lady Amara’s eyes. “You said being scared isn’t a way to live my life?”

“I know and I hold on to that. I’m telling you to be smart about it. Don’t throw yourself into an affair that could destroy you both socially and mentally if it was to go wrong,” Lady Amara said, gently. “Talk with him. Be sure that you want the same things.”

The room was silent for a moment. Then Castiel nodded as a mark of understanding.

“Usually the understanding is an agreement to marry, but in your case… Well, it just needs more trust and communication,” Lady Amara added. “You should eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

“Yes, thank you,” Castiel said.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

A knock on his door interrupted Castiel’s daydreaming while he was pretending to work.

“Enter,” he said. The door opened.

“Mr. Novak, you have a letter.”

Castiel nodded.

“Thank you,” he said as he took the letter and heard the door of his room close again. Recognizing Anna’s hand, Castiel opened the letter carefully. The first page was almost entirely dedicated to Anna’s daily errands and well-wishes from their acquaintances. Castiel smiled as he read about how Anna’s young baby was developing and about Anna’s friends. When Castiel turned on the second page, he straightened his back when he caught a few words on the page.

My dear brother, I hope you will not be unnerved by the news I must deliver. As you know, I have stayed in occasional correspondence with Mr. Sam Winchester even to this day. I was in the middle of writing to you when I received his letter. He wrote to tell me that his brother, now Captain Dean Winchester, has returned to England and had been asking about you. Since Mr. S. Winchester did not have your address, he couldn’t inform you personally. I know the news may be shocking to you, but I hope you will have ample time to prepare yourself in case you ever meet again. Am I allowed to share your address with Mr. Winchesters?

Castiel, I hope you know that we will all accept and love you, no matter what you choose to do with the information.

Castiel put the letter on the table. Ample time indeed. At least Anna had thought of preparing him for the shock. She couldn’t have predicted that her news would already be too late.

The last sentence warmed Castiel’s heart. Maybe Anna still felt bad about her being the one to share the rumors all those years ago or maybe she really did want to reassure Castiel that she did not mind his inclinations, but it did make Castiel feel calmer all the same. They were all adults who knew how the world worked and could keep a secret these days.

Deciding to respond to Anna’s letter sooner rather than later, Castiel pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and dipped his quill in the ink.

Two days after Charlene’s evening gathering, Castiel decided to stretch his legs and visit her. He knew Charlene would have plenty of questions for him and he wanted to gently chastise her for surprising him by inviting Dean the other night. A servant opened the door for him and led him to a familiar sitting room where Castiel sat to wait for her.

He didn’t have to wait for long.

“Good morning, Castiel,” Charlene said when she walked into the room. “How are you today? Did you have a good night?”

She gave Castiel a pointed look like asking him to spill his secrets.

“I slept fine, Charlene. In my own bed. Alone. If you need to know,” Castiel stated.

“Aww, that’s disappointing,” Charlene said and sat down.

“Charlene… I know what you’re doing. But just as Dean said last night, I do not need you playing a matchmaker,” Castiel said.

“You’re calling him Dean, are you?” Charlene said. Castiel sighed.

“Yes. I have known him since childhood. I will be calling him with his given name,” Castiel said. “It doesn’t imply that there is anything more than that going on.”

Charlene raised her hands in the air in surrender.

“Alright, I won’t intervene,” she said. “Although, if you’d like to, we could go and ask if Dean wants to join us on our walk in the park?”

Castiel sighed.

“That should be fine,” he said although the butterflies in his stomach were once again fluttering around madly. “It would be nice to see Dean again.”

It had nothing to do with wanting to see what house Dean lived in. Nothing at all.

Dean was happy to join them on their outing, and the three of them enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. One afternoon turned into a few more, then more evenings spent together too, and eventually after weeks, Castiel and Dean found themselves spending most of the days and evenings together. It was as if the years between had never happened. Castiel hadn’t expected their friendship to deepen so quickly back to what it had been, but he was enjoying his time with the new, adult Dean just as much as he had enjoyed his company when they had been young men. Neither of them had taken a step to make their relationship more intimate in nature again, but Castiel knew Dean’s face well enough to read on it the same longing that he was feeling.

One morning, Castiel was thinking about the previous night while pretending to work, when a servant came to announce that Captain Winchester was downstairs. Castiel nodded and thanked him, collected his finished work, and cleaned up, before heading downstairs.

When he was in the staircase, he heard laughter from the sitting room. He entered the room feeling hesitant.

In the room was Dean sitting across from Lady Amara who was smiling at Castiel.

“Castiel!” Lady Amara said. “I hope you don’t mind that I took the liberty of greeting Captain Winchester. I always liked him when you two were growing up. I will be out in a minute and leave you to your plans.”

“Of course,” Castiel said and glanced at Dean.

“I was thinking. If Captain Winchester is free, I would like him to join us for dinner? Is today or tomorrow alright?” Lady Amara asked. “I think there are many stories you could share with us from your travels.”

“I’m free tomorrow,” Dean agreed. “It would be a pleasure to join you for dinner, ma'am.”

“That is settled then,” Lady Amara said, standing up. “Now, I am going out. I think you were too.”

When Dean knocked on the door the next night, Castiel felt inexplicably nervous. Even though Dean and Lady Amara already knew each other, it felt as if Castiel was introducing someone he was courting to his family. He was sure they would get along and find common things to discuss, but the dinner still felt meaningful. Dean was dressed in his uniform, as Castiel had informed him of Lady Amara’s wishes considering dinner attire. Of course Dean Winchester was always handsome, but the sight of him in an officer’s uniform made Castiel’s heart beat a little faster.

They had sat at the table, talking about everything and nothing, when the discussion turned to Dean’s experiences in the navy.

“Of course it was interesting to travel and see new places, many people never get that opportunity,” Dean said. “It was fascinating to see different cultures and how they live across the world.”

“It sounds lovely,” Castiel said. “I wish I could travel a bit too.”

“It wasn’t that lovely all the time,” Dean’s eyes darkened. “I am a soldier. There is always a danger…”

“Being an officer is an admirable position,” Lady Amara said. “But it’s not without its dangers. If a war was to break out…”

“I would have to go and protect the King and country, of course,” Dean shrugged. “That is the risk I took when I joined the ranks.”

That is the choice others made for you, Cas thought. While he has been risking his life out there, I’ve been here studying and enjoying my calm existence. It’s not fair for you.

Dean met Castiel’s eyes.

“It was my choice to join,” Dean repeated, as if guessing what Castiel was thinking. “I wouldn’t change it now, although all those years away have been hard. It has made me appreciate more what I have here with me this moment. Has made me push more for things I want, because what if I’m called to join a war tomorrow and I never get another chance?”

The air felt thick with unsaid words and emotions. Castiel couldn’t turn his eyes from Dean who was looking at him intently.

Lady Amara coughed lightly and Dean turned his eyes to her.

“Maybe the dinner table isn’t the best place to talk about war and sorrow,” Lady Amara stated. “We should talk about more enjoyable things. I believe you enjoy theater, Captain Winchester?”

After the dinner, Lady Amara thanked Dean for the company and wished them a good night. Dean kissed her on the hand before she left, making her smile.

“Have one more drink with me?” Castiel asked.

“Yes,” Dean said. They went to sit in a comfortable lounge that wasn’t too often used. Castiel poured them both a glass of whisky and they sat in comfortable silence for some minutes.

“Dean, I feel bad for what happened when we… back when… when we were caught,” Castiel said. “I feel responsible for everything that has happened to you since. I never wanted you to end up in war.”

“Don’t be sorry, Cas,” Dean said. “I could have made another choice, but this was what was best for me. I got the chance to make my own fortune, find out who I am outside of the Winchester House, see what else is in the world. I’m not sorry for it.”

“Alright,” Castiel said, Dean’s assurance calming him down slightly.

“I’m sorry I had to leave you for such a long time,” Dean added. “That I still might have to, to fulfill my duty. That is the only thing I regret.”

They stared at each other in the gentle light of the candle. Underneath the laugh lines criss-crossing on Dean’s face, Castiel could see the boy who had lacked self-confidence and doubted he would ever find his place in the world. Castiel had loved him then, but now, seeing how Dean had grown and become surer of himself and his skills, Castiel knew he could love this version even more.

“I should go,” Dean said, emptying his glass. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome as a guest.”

Castiel drank the rest of his own drink and walked with Dean to the door. There Dean turned around to look at him.

“Cas, I…”

Not sure what kind of insanity hit him that moment, Castiel stepped closer to Dean and placed his hand on Dean's chest. "Tell me no," Castiel whispered, looking into Dean's startled eyes. "I won't," Dean whispered back. Castiel closed the gap between them, and there, in the empty hallway of Lady Amara’s house, Castiel kissed Dean Winchester for the first time in years.

It was almost chaste, just two pairs of dry lips pressing together and relearning the feeling of kissing someone. Dean gasped and took a hold of Castiel’s shoulder to keep him close. The feeling of Dean so close to him, his warmth pouring through his uniform, made Castiel want to do more, to explore what could be found beneath those layers of clothes. Castiel listened to the sounds of the house. Every click, creak, and thump made him fear they were about to be discovered, but as long as Dean held on to him, Castiel wasn’t going to let go either.

“Cas,” Dean said. “Can we continue this at a more private place than your aunt’s hallway?”

“Yes,” Castiel said. “We can walk to your house. Or… we could go upstairs into my room.”

“Lead the way,” Dean said, pressing another kiss on Castiel’s lips. “I would love to see where you sleep.”

They climbed the stairs in silence, holding hands. It was a slight touch but enough to assure Castiel that this wasn’t wrong. That acts of love between two willing adults could never be wrong even if other people saw them as such.

As soon as the door was closed behind them, Dean had Castiel pressed against it.

“I want you,” Dean said, kissing Castiel roughly, with calloused hands pulling his hair and clothes. “Cas, I…”

“I know,” Castiel said and kissed him back firmly. If the earlier kiss in the hallway had been chaste and almost innocent, these ones definitely were not that. Castiel was trying to remind himself of the shape of Dean’s lips and his body, although they had both grown and gained muscles since their last time. It was a strange new world to explore, both of them now older, but the way Dean touched him was familiar. Castiel could recognize the touch from the endless shared afternoons in the hidden parts of the house and garden, and the feeling reminded him of the way he had loved Dean back then. The emotions took over and he had to pull back for a moment.

“Are you alright?” Dean asked, sounding alarmed. “What’s wrong? We don’t need to…”

“I’m fine. I was just reminded about what we had back then,” Castiel said. “And how much I have missed you.”

“Cas, I’m here now,” Dean said, brushing his thumb against Castiel’s lips.

“Yes,” Castiel said and leaned up to kiss Dean’s neck. “How do you remove your uniform?”

There were plenty of buttons in both their clothes and removing the covers one piece of clothing at the time felt exciting and made Castiel feel giddy. Slowly he began to find skin under Dean’s layers and he wanted to touch every new inch of skin. Dean was breathing hard, especially when Castiel kneeled down to remove his heavy boots and open his trousers. He looked up at Dean from under his eyelashes and found Dean staring at him. Gently, Castiel brushed the back of his hand against Dean’s hardness and at Dean’s moan, he grasped it more firmly through the clothes.

“You too,” Dean gasped. “Cas, please, I want us both out of all the clothes.”

“Of course,” Castiel said and stood up. He began to remove all the little pieces of his clothing and set them aside in a neat pile. Dean helped open buttons and open strings and scarves. Eventually, Castiel took off his undershirt and stood before Dean bare-chested.

“You’re gorgeous, Cas,” Dean whispered and leaned to kiss him. Not wanting to interrupt the kiss, Castiel fumbled to find the buttons keeping Dean’s trousers up. He found them and before long, was pushing Dean’s trousers on the floor.

He gently urged Dean to move in the direction of the bed.

“I will join you in just a moment,” Castiel said and began to take off the rest of his clothes. Shoes and trousers were thrown on the floor and Castiel could feel Dean’s eyes on him. When at last neither of them was wearing anything, Castiel joined Dean on the bed.

“What would you like?” Castiel asked. “Anything at all.”

“I’ve waited for 12 years for your cock inside me,” Dean said. “I’ve thought about it often during the years.”

“You want me to make love to you?” Castiel confirmed and Dean shuddered.

“Yes,” he said.

“Wait just a moment, we’re going to need some oil,” Castiel said and looked through his bedside shelves. He managed to find a small bottle of oil meant for dry skin and opened it to smell the content.

“Have you been with anyone else since I…?” Castiel asked. “I wonder how much I need to stretch you.”

Dean’s ears turned red.

“No, no one,” Dean said. “I’ve sometimes used my own fingers but it was never the same.”

“Good, that’s good,” Castiel breathed out.

“Have you, Cas?” Dean asked. “Been with anyone else?”

“No, never had an occasion,” Castiel said, pouring drops of oil on his fingers and rubbing them together.

The first touch made them both moan. Dean felt tight and Castiel thought that there was no way he was going to fit, but Dean demanded more and claimed it felt good, so Castiel chose to believe him.

For a moment, he wondered if people in other rooms would be able to hear them, but he wasn’t going to stop even if they could.

It took plenty of oil and a lot of patience that was wearing thin while Castiel listened to Dean’s moans and gasps. His cock was hard, and Dean looked like a fallen angel designed to tempt him specifically lying against the white sheets.

“Cas, fuck, I want you,” Dean said. “Come on.”

“Are you sure?” Castiel asked and pulled his fingers out.

“Yes, yes, yes, I’m ready,” Dean managed to get out between deep gasping breaths.

Castiel settled between Dean’s legs and poured some oil on his cock. Wanting to see every facial expression, Castiel pressed against Dean’s opening and felt it give in to him. Slowly he pushed in, keeping his eyes on Dean, who had closed his.

“Please,” Dean mumbled and opened his eyes when Castiel brushed against a pleasurable spot. They kept moving together, at first softly, but towards the end Dean pulled Castiel close with both arms and legs wrapped around him, and Castiel let go of his patience.

After that it didn’t take much for them both to reach their peaks.

“Holy God in Heaven,” Dean gasped. “That was amazing. You were perfect.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “You are too.”

They kissed softly and Castiel went to get a piece of cloth to clean them up.

“I want you to stay the night. Sleep with me,” Castiel whispered. “But there will be talk.”

“Let them talk,” Dean said. “Does Lady Amara know?”

“Oh yes, she knows. The servants won’t talk, except maybe among themselves,” Castiel said. “The condition of the bedsheets alone is enough to tell them what went on between us. I trust they will not say anything to us about it. Lady Amara has chosen her household carefully.”

“Good, I would like to spend the night too, Cas,” Dean said and yawned. “Maybe I can sneak out in the morning before the rest of the house wakes up. That way we can avoid any awkward meetings in the hallway.”

“Mmh,” Castiel said and wrapped his arms around Dean. It felt comfortable, and Castiel could get used to sharing his bed with Dean. “Maybe you can. Good night, Dean.”

“Night,” Dean mumbled back, already half-asleep.

They were woken by the bell announcing breakfast was ready. Castiel couldn't remember the last time he had slept so calmly. It was warm and comfortable to wake up pressed against Dean.

“Oh shit,” Dean said. “I guess there’s no sneaking out. Although maybe I will be thrown out of the house now.”

“Let’s get dressed,” Castiel said. “I don’t like being late for breakfast.”

They walked downstairs, Castiel walking first and leading the way.

“At last, Castiel! I had already thought you had overslept,” Lady Amara said when Castiel stepped into the breakfast room. Then her eyes found Dean. “Captain Winchester. This is a surprise.”

Despite the apparent shock in her voice, the corners of Lady Amara’s mouth were twitching as if she was holding back a smile.

“Well, Captain Winchester, you are very welcome to join us for breakfast, although it’s an early hour for a visit,” Lady Amara said and rang the bell for another set of plates and utensils.

“You can call me Dean,” Dean said when he sat down. “I feel we are already well acquainted with each other.”

“I would be happy to,” Lady Amara smiled openly now. “Now Castiel, sit down and offer your guest some food.”

The breakfast was a comfortable meal, and afterwards Castiel walked Dean to the door.

“Cas, I had a good time yesterday and today,” Dean said. “I hope this doesn’t ruin anything between us.”

“I don’t see how it could,” Castiel said. “Although maybe next time I will stay at your house.”

“You’re welcome there anytime,” Dean said, looked around to see if anyone was in the hallway with them, and then pressed a quick kiss on Castiel’s lips before taking his leave.

Life went on, and Castiel couldn’t remember being this happy for years. Charlene had guessed the change in their relationship dynamics as soon as she has seen them both in the same room, looking almost as excited about the development as they were. Castiel and Dean were getting to know each other as the people they were now, and they had shared a few more nights together after that first one.

Despite Castiel wanting to spend all his free time with Dean, he also had duties of his position.

Usually Castiel didn’t enjoy balls or evenings in any other company than his friends, but sometimes he needed to do sacrifices to keep the appearances up. Lady Amara didn’t often ask Castiel to accompany her to her evening events, but when she did, Castiel knew she wanted to introduce his heir to some of her friends or possible business partners. Castiel knew his duty was to give charming smiles, talk a little with Lady Amara’s acquaintances, and nod at the suggestions, but he wasn’t too fond of the stuffy and formal evening gatherings. When Lady Amara asked Castiel to accompany him in one of those, Castiel agreed and told both Dean and Charlene that he had plans for the night.

“You’re meeting another man? A woman?” Dean guessed.

“No, indeed,” Castiel laughed. “I will be looking forward to the night to be over.”

“If you want to, you could always come over afterwards?” Dean asked wishfully.

“We shall see,” Castiel said. “I would love nothing more.

The evening had been dull without Dean or Charlene there to keep Castiel company. Of course Lady Amara was somewhere here, but she was much more comfortable talking to strangers and she had her own friends in the crowd. Spending his time walking around the room, trying to not look too bored, Castiel hoped they could leave soon. He was traveling on Lady Amara’s carriage and didn’t want to leave her alone, but he didn’t have anything to do.

Walking to take a cup of refreshments in the hot ballroom, Castiel overheard a man talking. Maybe Castiel should have felt bad for eavesdropping, but if the man didn’t want to be overheard, he shouldn’t have been talking so loudly.

“All these… queer people filling London with immorality and new ideas,” he grumbled.

“That’s not new. The Town has always pulled all kinds to live here,” another voice answered.

“Maybe so, but they don’t even hide anymore. I heard they keep all kinds of evening entertainment these days, not even in Soho or other suspicious places, but in the good parts of town too,” the man said. When Castiel glanced his way, he could see the man lean to whisper to his companion conspiratorially. His voice was so loud that Castiel could hear it ever the same. “I heard there are even officers attending those events. You cannot trust anyone to keep up the morals anymore.”

That was enough for Castiel. He didn’t want or need to hear more. Emptying his cup, he placed it on a table and rushed outside to get some air.

Even officers were acting queer and doing immoral things. Immoral. The words played on Castiel’s mind, and he was harshly reminded that no matter how safe and open he felt with his friends and remaining family, the world wasn’t ready to see him love Dean like he did. It was a painful fact but it was true all the same. Castiel closed his eyes and imagined being exposed to the wide world now. Back in the day they had been only teenagers, almost children, experimenting and trying new things. The punishment had been shame and separation.

Now they were adults and the punishment for a misstep would fall harder.

The thought of being exposed was difficult, but the option hurt like nothing ever had. Last time they had been forced apart, and Castiel had walked away with his heart broken. Could he have the strength to walk away now, of his own accord, to save them both from eventual embarrassment? How much more would that hurt if it was his own decision? Castiel doubted he would ever recover from it.

But would he do it to protect Dean? Yes, without a second thought.

He would carry around the doubt in his heart for the rest of his life, but at least he wouldn’t have to see Dean getting hurt.

The door opened behind Castiel’s back.

“Castiel?” Lady Amara’s voice called out. “Are you here?”

“Yes, I’m here,” Castiel answered. Footsteps approached him.

“Whatever is the matter?” Lady Amara asked. “You look like you have seen a ghost.”

“Only a ghost of my past regrets,” Castiel said. “I’ve been reminded… It doesn’t matter. I need to solve the problem myself.”

“Nonsense,” Lady Amara said firmly. “You always try to solve things yourself. You should start realizing by now that we who love you only want to help. Castiel, you don’t need to be alone. Now, I think this is about Dean.”

“How did you know?” Castiel asked.

“Because I know you. Castiel, do not do anything you will regret. I heard that rude man speak as well, he was not quiet about his opinions, and yes, there are people like that in the world. More than there should be. But don’t throw away your happiness, because you want to avoid idle gossip,” Lady Amara whispered, her voice much lower and quieter than the rude man’s had been.

“I wouldn’t do it to protect myself,” Castiel muttered.

“Don’t make decisions for others. You can only decide what makes you happy. Let Dean decide if his happiness is compatible with that vision,” Lady Amara said. “I think we should go back home now. This evening has been full of emotions already.”

Castiel thought about what Lady Amara said all the way home. Don’t make decisions for others.

Maybe he and Dean should have a long talk. Not tonight, however. No matter how tempting Dean's offer of coming over tonight was, Castiel needed to think what he would like to say first.

The next day Castiel knocked on Dean’s door and waited for an answer. It was a cloudy, a little bit misty day that looked like even the weather couldn’t decide what it wanted to be today. The housekeeper opened the door and Castiel followed her into the sitting room. Feeling nervous and not knowing what he should say, Castiel was too restless to sit down and tried to relieve some of that restlessness by walking around the room a couple of times. When the door opened and Castiel saw Dean walk into the room smiling happily, Castiel’s heart began to beat a little faster like it so often did in Dean's company. Dean closed the door behind himself.

“Cas, I just was thinking of visiting you,” Dean said, smiling and taking Castiel’s hand in his. Looking Castiel into eyes, he raised the hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. The gesture was intimate and made Castiel shudder. He inhaled deeply.

“Dean…” Castiel began. “Are you sure about this?”

Dean looked at him questioningly.

“There have been… rumors. About queer people and immorality in the town,” Castiel said, looking at Dean, trying his best to read his expression. “Even among officers.”

“Since when do you listen to idle rumors?” Dean asked.

“Since they could ruin the reputation of people I care about,” Castiel said. “Maybe we should… be more careful. I do not believe there are rumors about us yet, but it’s only a question of time when people will start questioning the nature of our relationship.”

“What are you saying?” Dean asked. Under the surface Castiel could see Dean’s anger. “If you want to end our relationship, then I need you to say it. Look me in the eye and say you do not want me anymore.”

“It’s not… I don’t… Dean, I want to protect you,” Castiel said. “Of course I want you. I lost twelve years with you already, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I don’t want you to grow to resent me, because of the things you gave up for me. Marriage, family, even possibly your reputation as an officer. I don’t want to stand in your way.”

“I love you,” Dean said, and Castiel shut his mouth immediately, staring at Dean in awe. Dean always talked in implications and innuendos, but this time the statement was clear as day. “Is that inconvenient to say? I guess it is, but it’s true.”

“You… I…” Castiel began, trying to pull his thoughts back together. Trying his best to remember all the reasons he had had against them being together just a half a minute ago.

“Actually,” Dean said and shrugged, with a half a smile on his face. “What the hell. I could as well do this.”

Dean dropped on one knee in the middle of his sitting room.

“Castiel Novak,” Dean said. “If I could ask you to marry me, I would. I would promise to love and cherish you and share every good and bad day at your side and every night in your bed for the rest of my life. I cannot marry you, but if you will take me, I can still promise you all those other things. I fell in love with you in my adolescence and despite us both being grown men, my feelings and hopes are the same as they were at eighteen. I once said my happiness is a work in progress, but now I know it only needs one piece to complete it. For you to be mine.”

“Dean,” Castiel dropped to his knees in front of Dean and pulled him into a kiss. Gently, Dean cupped his head and neck. The kiss remained chaste despite the fire burning under Castiel’s skin. When he pulled back, he was out of breath. “I love you too. If I could accept your proposal in every way, I would, but I will accept all the parts you’re willing to give to me. I am yours. I always was.”

Dean smiled widely.

“Cas, I know what we have will maybe never be accepted. But I’d rather take the judgment of others than spend another twelve years without you,” Dean said. “We can leave. Move somewhere where we aren’t known. Or we can stay here. We can travel, just two bachelors sharing a carriage, whatever you want. I can tell Lady Amara if you want me to.”

“Are you going to ask her permission?” Castiel asked, grinning at Dean. Somehow Castiel felt lighter and freer, although the world around him with its judgments hadn't changed. With Dean on his side, Castiel believed he could face the difficulties, and here, in this room alone with Dean, he only felt happiness. Dean threw his head back and laughed.

“Maybe I will,” Dean said and kissed Castiel again. “Maybe I will.”

Dean didn’t ask for Lady Amara’s blessing, but they got it all the same.

“In case you want to eventually settle down,” she said. “I have a lovely house in the countryside. As you will in any case inherit it after my passing, you’re free to settle down in it a little earlier than that if you so wish.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said, kissing her on the cheek. “We will consider it.”

For now they were going to stay in London. Maybe Castiel would spend more nights at Dean’s house from now on, and they were considering traveling back to the Winchester House to meet Sam and maybe stop on the way to stay with Anna too. In the public they would still be two close friends, and would act as such, but in private they were as good as married.

They would no doubt face hardship on the way, but Castiel knew he'd rather face it with Dean than without him.

-fin-