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Chapter Text

1977

Sunlight shone through the leaves as the wind made them dance at its rhythm, the yard was empty, and the lake was tranquil. 

Normally this would make him ecstatic, the plentifulness of a beautiful and silent scenery, but his mind decided to ignore the sight and focus on a completely different beautiful and silent subject. 

Selene Snape was ignoring him. Not him in particular per se, since she was ignoring everyone. Still, she refused to acknowledge him. 

And it was all his brother’s fault. 

Well, not quite, since it was mainly Potter’s fault. Damn him, his brother and those imbeciles he calls friends. 

Selene often suggested he had a soft spot for his brother, and Regulus agreed, even if Sirius acted like an utter fool with no more conscience than an eight year old boy, he defended him- not quite so as actually defend him, but pleaded Selene to cut him some slack. It was his brother at the end of the day, and he loved him.

But now, he wasn’t so sure. Not after they did to her.

They crowded her, four against one. Selene is an excellent duellist and could beat most of Hogwarts’ student body without much trouble, yet Sirius and his friends were outstanding (with the sole exception of Pettigrew) She could probably win against each one individually but not against all of them at once. 

That day was different from this, the yard near the lake was filled with life, almost every student around their age was outside, enjoying the beaming sun before autumn came with all its strength. And most of them witnessed the incident. 

The quartet hung her upside down; her robe and skirt no longer covering her undergarments, she tried in vain to cover herself, barely obtaining it. 

The onlookers laughed, almost everyone present was enjoying the situation. That was when Regulus realised something was happening, but way too far away to act immediately, he and his classmates decidedly gathered far away from the other houses' students, away from the laughter and foolishness; what a mistake that had been, Regulus would remember that fact in his coming years as the worst day of his beloved one.

He didn’t immediately realise it, as was told, still, Evan Rosier, with his usual indifference announced the issue “Potter is molesting someone again”. He hadn’t figured out who was the victim this time, yet, once Regulus looked at the place of the events he immediately knew that those fretting feets that hung up on the air could only be Selene’s.

He ran after the crowd; Selene’s angry cries were barely audible by the deafening laughter.

He saw Evans pleading to Potter to pull Selene down, Lupin supporting her, probably after he realised they had gone too far. Sirius stood there, mesmerised by the sight of the young woman they’d been tormenting, one couldn’t make his face, what he was feeling was beyond comprehension, his eyes fixed upon her figure, in a sort of trance only Lupin could pull him out as he started to chastise him, to make him put her down. Sirius responded in his usual carefree nature, eyes fixated on Selene once again, what he said, Regulus didn’t know. Lupin’s afflicted visage gave away nothing more than what was obvious.

“Potter! Potter! Put her down!” Evan’s pleas carried through the yard, some of the chuckles died. Apparently Selene’s affliction was laughable, while Evan’s was worrisome. 

“I will if you kiss me!” Potter answered with a joke, his wand moving slightly to right then to left, making the young woman in the air move with his rhythm. Selene hadn’t stopped pleading for him to put her down, as she tried to cover herself, but the moving her to one side to the other became a complication on the matter and more than once her undergarments were at full view.

“Mcgonagall is coming!” shrieked some gryffindor kid from afar.

Having been warned about the closeness of the professor, Potter panicked and unwillingly positioned Selene over the lake just before letting her go. Regulus, fortunately, was near, after he ran almost half of the yard to get to her, he finally arrived. 

He threw himself into the water after Selene. As he held her body to pull her up, he noticed, given her frantic and insecure movements, that Selene Snape didn’t know how to swim.

She clung onto him, breathing desperately. Her hands holded his shoulders to the point of pain, and her body was still, didn’t even try to move her legs to swim away. She rested her head on his right shoulder, near his ear, he could sense her breathing, he could sense how she resisted the urges to cry. Little sobs escaped her.

Selene held him as if her life depended on it. And to her frantic mind, after what just happened, it might.

Just as they reached the shore and Selene stood on her own did they notice all the eyes fixed upon them. Almost all of Hogwarts witnessed Selene’s humiliation. She separated herself from him punching him away, he hadn’t noticed his arms clung onto her waist so desperately until the moment they were no longer there.. Regulus felt cold.

Sirius was long gone, as so was Potter and the rest. 

Evans ran after Selene, asking worried questions about the girl’s wellbeing. Regulus noted how her eyes did not focus on her friend, nor did she answer her interrogation. No, Selene’s attention lay on the eyes judging her, mocking her.

Regulus saw how her chest started to rise and fall uncontrollably, her eyes unfocused as the people around them started to chuckle once again, they did not laugh but they wanted to, part of them wanted to. 

His eyes focused, not unwillingly, on the wet fabric that did nothing to cover her, the thin shirt now appeared transparent, it gave almost a full view of the brassiere under it. He couldn’t let it be, therefore, with a complicated movement of his wand he dried both of them in a second, just before Evans grabbed Selene’s arm, in an attempt to draw her attention. 

It did work, but oh so terribly bad. 

“I don’t need anybody’s help! And especially the help of a mudblood like you!” Those words were the doom of Selene Snape.

She regretted them instantly, her face contoured in pure terror, her already fair face turned into paper white. “Lily- I did not-“ but Lily was long gone, running away into the castle. Selene followed after her. Regulus stood behind.

McGonagall arrived late. Only dissolved the crowd. 

Nobody was punished, yet the rumours about Selene alliance with the death eaters began.

Since then she did not talk to him, she’d been avoiding his eyes when they encountered each other, and it became harder and harder to met her around the castle, they didn’t have classes together, she’d skipped lunch and dinner more times he could even recall, and she was never on the common room before curfew. He knew she was embarrassed, he knew she was hiding herself, she wanted to become invisible, so everyone would forget about the incident. 

But why should he be part of the same category as everyone else? They were all morons, stupid, simple-minded fools. But he was not them, and he knew Selene was aware of the fact. Then why the silent treatment?

She could never be invisible to him, he was always able to distinguish her in any crowd, even when she hunched over to not tower over everybody else, so tall she was, even taller than himself, although he wasn’t considered a really tall man. 

But it didn’t matter how far back she located herself in a crowd, or how much she covered her face with her long hair, he’d always catch her. Even if she didn't want to.

And that's precisely what he was going to do.

He waited for her, on a corner in the common room, unseen to the ones who entered it. He remained there long after the last student went to sleep, lucky for him it was not a busy season, having started the school year not more than two months ago nobody was panic-studying in the common room until way past midnight, even the library was kind of empty but from some hard working students.

He waited there, his eyelids becoming heavier after some time passed, it was eleven, then midnight, when the clock announced it would be one hour past midnight he gave up. Maybe she hadn’t been sleeping in her shared bedroom for the past few days. 

As he stood up the stone wall began to open to let someone get inside. The one he was waiting for.

Her eyes met his almost immediately. She was too aware of her surroundings, and noticed his presence right away. She nodded and continued walking, as if that was enough. 

“Wait” Regulus did not scream, nor did he raise his voice, it came barely as a whisper; a plea.

She stopped, her head bent down, books clenched on her chest. “What do you want, Black?” Ah, now he was Black, had they returned to formalities? How long since she hadn’t called him by his last name? Two years or so? A little less maybe. Now they went backwards? 

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” She refused to look back at him, yet to hear her voice made his body tremble. Was she angry at him? He doubted it. 

“Don’t play the fool, you are not one. You know what I mean”

She turned back, finally, her eyes unfocused and distant, as they were every time she encountered her brother. Regulus despised it. “You might want to clarify yourself, Black. Because I have no idea what you mean, I’m tired, I want to go to sleep.” Except she did not move, not a muscle, not even blinked. 

“You’ve been avoiding me” 

Somehow, saying it outloud made him cringe, how desperately he was, to beg her for her attention?- He knew the answer, a lot, too much to even measure it. He was desperate, he was but a miserable man, aching for her attention, yearning for her to look back at him, thirsting for her eyes to have a little, just a scrap, a faint of tenderness, that tenderness she had reserved for Evans and had not given to him. Because this was Selene Snape, his Selene. His saviour, his friend, his hopes of something more. 

He was selfish, he had it all but he wanted her. He was what they called him, a love sick puppy, he followed her around with little care of the world, of his peers and even of his family expectations. Because when Selene Snape smiled at him, that faint smile barely visible to the inexperienced eye, his heart exploded, his blood streamed through his body and for once, he felt alive. So he admitted it, he didn’t want to lose her, to become acquaintances who barely spoke to each other, he wanted to be more, and she deserved to know it. Was this the best of times? Of course it wasn’t, but three weeks had passed since the incident, and he couldn't, and wouldn't bear to not talk to her for longer than this. It was too painful, a misery. “I don’t want you to avoid me, talk to me… please ”.

Her stand shifted, relaxed, the frown on her brow disappeared. But her eyes filled with tears, they streamed down her face without reservation. She’d been containing herself for too long. 

Her hand covered her mouth and let the books fall into the floor. Regulus went to her, would she be repulsed by him? Would she push him away if he dared to hug her? To calm her? Ah, fuck it. 

He held her, surrounded her thin frame with his arms, and she did not wait to hold him back. Selene hid her face on his neck and he felt her tears dampening his shirt. He did not care, he just held her tight and she melted in his embrace. They seated after a while, but didn’t separate, and wouldn't date to do so.

“I’m so very sorry”.

“There is nothing to forgive. This wasn’t your fault.” He separated himself from her, just a little, just to see her face. Regulus caressed her cheeks, softly and delicately, dried her tears with his thumbs and held her face to look directly at him. She was beautiful, her big eyes reddened and puffy, her hair greasy and her hooked nose, so very pretty, so overlooked. 

And he kissed her. 

There in their common room, an hour and a half past midnight, a Tuesday tenth of October, Regulus Black kissed Selene Snape after years wanting to do so. It was a chaste kiss, barely a brush between lips, but oh! So very wonderful.

But when he stopped the kiss and separated to see her, he panicked, what if he didn’t like him back? What if she thought his pleas for attention were nothing more than a friend asking for her? 

Yet the panic did not last, because on Selene’s small lips there was a smile, not a faint-barely-visible smile, but a sweet shy smile. Her cheeks pink and her eyes fixed upon him, asking for something.

Regulus conceded, he kissed her again.

Chapter Text

1976

It was just a stupid joke. From a fucking moron. 

From him; he was the moron.

A joke was all it was, but nevertheless, it was a stupidity. How could he think Snape wouldn’t do anything about it? They’d known her for years and years, he knew how meddlesome she could be, how obsessive she was with anything that had to do with them. 

And what did he do? Reveal the biggest secret he and his friends had. To tell Remus' secret just like that, without a second thought, just because Snape happened to be more irritating than usual.

How fucked up he was. The worst part is that he hadn’t even realised it was a big deal, honestly, it was just a joke! But then Prongs heard about it and lost his mind.

“Sirius, how could you do this?” 

“She’s not even going, she ain't stupid”

“This is Snape we are talking about! She is not stupid but she’s going because you told her!”

“She didn’t even believe me, Prongs. Don’t worry”

“Exactly! Don’t you see? She’s going because she doesn’t believe you! What are you going to tell Moony tomorrow? ‘Sorry, mate, I was pissed off with Snape so I figured you could just kill her for me’ You think he’d be alright with that?” James didn’t wait anymore, grabbing his cloak he sprinted out of their room. 

Sirius stared at the closed door James just slammed, why make such a big deal out of it? It was ridiculous, this was just Snape, not someone they actually cared for. He threw himself to the bed, annoyed, and opened a magazine to distract his mind from the nervous beating of his heart. Yes- it did not matter, he did not care what happened to Snape either way, he should be more worried about Remus reaction about the whole affair. But he’ll apologise and everything will be alright, as always.

Still, his heart didn’t not relent its beating, his breathing became uncontrollable and when he looked at the pages of the magazine instead of seeing the pretty ladies in there he only could see a pair of terrified black eyes. 

So he ran.

As fast as he could, his lungs felt like fire, his legs hurting, he barely had the time to put on his sneakers before running after James. He could not even think, if he started to ponder about what was already happening he would surely lose his mind.

He arrived minutes later, it was a miracle, really. It was already past curfew yet nobody stopped him, he now realised why James took the cloak before leaving, Sirius expected he would share it when they’d be coming back, would they have to share it with Snape too? To accompany her to her common room? What a laughable scene.

The whomping willow was paralysed, James had arrived maybe just minutes before him. Sirius entered the passageway under it, his wand illuminating the way. He didn’t take his time, he raced through the narrow path as if life depended on it. It probably did.

As he was getting closer to the entrance he heard a thunderous noise, a womanly scream and another crashing sound. Sirius felt his body cold, and for a millisecond he truly thought his heart stopped beating. 

He opened the broken door, stopping on his tracks immediately. James on his animagus form was blocking Remus' path, the wolf’s maddening eyes were focused on the young woman who laid on the floor, her eyes filled with terror. She had her arm extended, wand in hand, blood erupted from her right forearm, her left hand covering the wound. 

She aimed her right arm at the werewolf, it trembled but did not jinx, apparently trying to avoid the big stag in the middle. 

He had to take her out, that’s why Remus was so frantic, her scent was driving him mad, even he could sense the strong smell of her blood.

He did not think, as he usually did, jumped forward to where she was, without response nor acknowledgement from her, he picked her up. Her body was light, even lighter than he would have expected, his arms felt particularly strong around her thin waist. But she fought him, as she always did.

“Wait! Black, wait! The stag! We have to help it!” She escaped his embrace, and stood her ground, looking at him defiantly. Sirius looked back at her, dumbfounded, was she truly worried about James? About her long last enemy? No- she called him a stag, she didn’t know it was his mate. For a second he wondered if she would have been so eager to his rescue if she’d known it was James Potter of all people who was currently risking his life because of her.

“He doesn’t hurt animals! Let's go! Now!” Sirius grabbed her wrist as he pulled her down the path, he closed the door after them. He hurried her in front of him, a difficult task in such a narrow space, but it had to be done, he needed to be on the back, to protect her and to protect Remus from her, if he followed them down the passageway Sirius didn’t expect Snape to not try to hurt him.

Once they reached the exit Sirius could finally breathe in peace, he knew James would be alright, they’d dealt with Remus in that state before, James would know how to handle it.

Oh, that was a turmoil of emotions wasn’t it? He just needed to wait for James to come out then finally go to bed. Sirius stretched his body as all of what occurred wasn’t more than a particularly harsh quidditch match. He hadn’t yet noticed how Selene’s eyes were fixed on the full moon, or how she grabbed her bloody arm tightly to refrain the blood from leaking. 

She was mute, but her eyes divulged what she could not say. Her brave demeanour from before was long gone, only pure terror remained. 

“Snape, are you alright?” She did not respond, still fully concentrated on the way the full moon shone over their heads, Sirius noticed her arm, how could he have forgotten it? Did Remus bite her?

Oh fuck, now definitely Remus would not forgive him. Sirius got closer to Snape, who stood there still unresponsive, reached for her hand and took it with his, still she didn’t moved, the wound didn’t appear to be from a bite, no holes were on the pale skin of her forearm, but, there was so much blood, a weird looking cut travelled from her wrist to her inner elbow, it looked positively gruesome. “We need to get you to Madame Pomfrey” apparently was the worst thing he could have said, since Snape finally came out of her trance, only to yell at his face and push him away “get away from me, Black! Don’t you dare to touch me!”

“What on earth is your problem? I’m trying to help you!”

“That’s rich coming from you!”

“Well- If you weren’t so stupid to confront a werewolf all by yourself we may not be in this affair in the first place!”

“I didn’t know he was a werewolf, you disgusting dim-wit! I did not know what was in there! You led me here! Have you forgotten about that?” She inhaled, just talking seemed to take a lot of energy “if you want me dead, at least have the decency to kill me yourself!”

He was ashamed, this is not what he intended to, although he didn’t know his original intentions; he just wanted to scare her off. Since last month she stopped going out of her way to catch them planning their pranks, jinx them or even trying new spells on them. She seemed focused on Rems, he’d noticed her following him around, they'd shared most of their classes, he even saw them talking to each other once. He didn’t quite know what she was doing, but she already trapped Reg on her web, he didn’t want Remus to be the next.  “It’s not that-”

“Then why? Why did you do it? Why do you always torment me?  What have I done to you? Truly, I do not know” A muted sob escaped from her lips, she breathed in before continuing. “Is it because I’m friends with your brother?” Yes “Is it because Lily’s my friend?” Also yes “I’ve been trying to understand your reasoning behind all of this, and even if that made sense, we both know you started this before your brother came to Hogwarts, and even before Potter started to stalk Lily. So can you at least be a man and tell me why?” He did not answer, because he couldn’t, how can he tell his reasoning? It was a stupidity, just like himself, it wouldn’t do. He’ll just humiliate himself in front of her, and how can he do that? Too many times that happened, he couldn’t risk one more.

“I just don’t like you” It was an oversimplified statement, he not just didn’t like her, her mere presence made him sick, everytime he heard her voice his body convulsed from the insides, his mind was not clear and didn’t know what to say. That didn’t happen with the other girls, they were easy, he just needed to play nice and they folded, with the exception of Evans, obviously, but he didn’t want to be nice to Snape. “You’re too ugly , it angers me '' It was not a complete lie, after all, she is ugly, her eyes and nose are too big, and why is she so skinny anyway? She had nothing a man would like, many times he had looked at her, trying to catch a sight of her nonexistent chest, probably she didn’t even wear anything underneath her shirt, he’d doubt she needed it. 

His statement made her wince, as if he’d physically hurt her. She didn’t say a word and avoided his gaze, her shoulders trembling, was she cold? It was a particularly chilly night after all. 

Sirius sighed, exhausted with the situation, really, why did he need to explain himself to her anyway? “Let’s get you to Madame Pomfrey” he commanded as he tried to grab her arm again, but this time Snape flinched as though his touch burned her skin. 

Her eyes encountered his, face countered in anger. He tried to look for his wand, yet she was quicker, with a swift motion she threw him across the field, landing hard on his back, Sirius lost his breath for a few seconds. When he looked at her again, still lying limp on the floor, he noticed how her face changed, the anger was replaced, but he couldn’t quite understand her expression, she seemed dejected and something more. “Do whatever you want, Black. Just don’t come near me”. She walked slowly to the castle, leaving him there.

Sirius didn’t move for a while, he laid right where she left him, looking at the cloudless night. Minutes after James would come out of the passageway, and inform him that the wound on Snape’s arm was caused by a wooden plank, and that she in fact did not see him transform.

“You think… Do you think she’ll tell?” James asked him once they reached their bedroom, Peter was sound asleep, didn’t even notice when they arrived.

It was the first time in the whole night he became aware that Snape now had that kind of power over them, of their most intrinsicate secret, and he was the one to give it away. Fuck .

There was no chance she wouldn’t tell.

Yet she didn’t.

As Selene entered the library she could discern Remus Lupin's characteristic figure from afar. He was one of those boys who tried desperately to disappear in the back, however failing miserably to do so. He was too tall and too many scars adorned his face to pass as conventional. She knew that that angered him, nevertheless, she couldn’t care less. Lupin's problems were not hers, and any curiosity she had about Lupin's strange behaviour was long forgotten now that she knew his secret. 

Well- not quite, she may not be as interested in his whereabouts as she was before, but now she had an scrumptious fascination with his “condition”.

For the past weeks she had studied, analysed and basically absorbed every single book, paper and magazine she could put her hands on, all to know more about werewolves. She had come to a resolution and a definitive goal. Sadly, she needed Lupin’s help to do it. 

And that’s why she had come to the library in the first place, Selene knew that it was Gryffindor’s time for quidditch practice, Pettigrew was too much of a fan of Potter and Black to miss it, while Lupin has always been the responsible one of that stupid group. So, she shot her chance of him most likely being studying instead of whatever other people did with their free time, and, oh how right she was.

Her approach must be precise, considering that, for a wolf, Lupin behaved more like a scared bunny. 

They’d come to a sort of agreement between the both of them, he apologised directly to Selene for putting her in danger -even though Black was the responsible one- And she agreed to not tell anyone about his condition. She already had come to that resolution, after being told directly by Dumbledore that she’d be suspended if rumours about a certain student condition began around the school. Selene did not have much of a choice, but Lupin did not have to know that.

The pranks did not cease, as Selene expected, Potter and Black were immature as usual, but Lupin did not participate in them, and when they were directed to her he tried to stop the situation immediately, not always being successful, and most times than ideally he just went along with it. Selene thought he was scared of being alone, so he never went against his friends more than it was acceptable for them.

She could not deny it irked her, but somehow understood him, she was mostly alone if it were not for Lily, and Regulus now. The sole idea of being left behind by either of them made her melancholic.

Yes, she understood. But it didn't mean she liked it.

She approached the tall boy decidedly, with the palms of her hands sweating and her heart racing but carrying an impassive expression. “I need your help, Lupin”.

The book he was accommodating on the shelf fell from his grasp while his body jumped in surprise, Selene contained a laugh. “Snape!” He shrieked in a whisper, scared of being heard by the librarian, he looked at her as if she'd grown a second head, but straightened rapidly “What do you need?”

The young woman checked their surroundings, they were in a secluded area of the library, and the other two or three students that visited it at the same time as them were too engrossed by their studies to be bothered by their presence. Selene decided to just say it. “There’s a study by Damocles Belby that stipulates there is a possibility of the creation of a potion for people like you.” Lupin didn’t answer, his chocolate coloured eyes looking at her with pure confusion, so she proceeded. “I need your help because I think I could do it, he doesn’t stipulate the precise dosage of each ingredient but he does mention all of them who are to be used. Mister Belby also says that he had not refined the recipe, so I could try and do it. I have a fair idea of how to, but I'll need your help and contribution.” Selene couldn’t help but get excited talking about the subject, this potion, this possibility could be what she needed to finally get what she wanted, the certainty of a future.  

“Why would you do that?”

“It’s not because I want to make your life easier or whatever you’re thinking.” She clarified before he got the wrong idea, this was not out of any kind of endearment nor companionship for the boy. “If I have the capability of doing it this will open so many doors for me. I could even ask mister Belby for an internship with him.”

His eyes told her that he didn’t believe in her, and that he didn’t trust her either, words were not necessary, Lupin was too easy to read. He probably thought she wanted to poison him, to pull a prank on him perhaps. Such a fool. “It’s just… This is coming out of the blue.” He bent down to retrieve the forgotten book, under the inquisitive gaze Selene in front of him, who by all means was still waiting for an answer, arms crossed and a raised brow, her characteristic demeanour “I need to think about it”.

Selene accepted that response, in all honesty she didn’t think he would’ve agreed anyway, yet she kept her hopes high. 

A full week passed and a full moon with it, Lupin arrived to her side just the day after.

They agreed to meet during quidditch matches and training, mainly to avoid Black and Potter, Selene’s idea. Lupin thought best for them to not know what they’re up to, in case it failed or for any complications.

The ingredients were considerably difficult to come by, most were expensive and difficult to buy, yet with enough stealthiness and good luck, one could retrieve most of them from Slughorn’s personal office. On the other hand, the wolfsbane itself was not so much trouble as expected, Selene gathered from the depths of the forbidden forest, being such a common type of plant, it was fairly easy to find.

Their first try was a disaster to say the least, almost exploding a whole salon. With their second, Lupin’s wolfy ears came to full view. It lasted a week, he looked adorable but needed to cover it up with a hat, luckily it was winter by the time and nobody questioned it. 

After some tries they became more adept at the preparation. As mister Belby said, the potion must probably be taken for a whole week before the full transformation, and they proceeded accordingly, preparing a new brew every month before the date they needed it.

Their meetings had the potion and its effects as a focus, but after a while they used the time not only to study it, but to study other subjects too, Selene helped Lupin with potions and herbology, while he aided her with transfigurations and astronomy. They were a good team, and Selene enjoyed his company; she never asked if he felt the same.

Couple of months in, after new year, Regulus learned about their meetings in the library and confronted her about it, furious.

“What are you doing? Befriending Lupin like that.” He’d waited for her to get out of the library, his back resting on the wall of the corridor, arms crossed. She knew Regulus wasn’t the type of person who frequented these parts, not because he didn’t actively study, but because he found it asphyxiating. Being surrounded by stone walls all day, and then going to the dungeons to sleep under the water; it was too much for him, that’s why he was outdoors most of the time. So, him being on this side of the castle not looking for something in particular made it obvious he was here for her, and he didn’t pretend otherwise.

“Well, good afternoon, Regulus, how have you been?” His angered expression quivered and his lips let out a trembling smile, those he had when he didn’t want to smile. She began to walk and he followed close behind. 

“Yes- Good Afternoon, Selene. How nice of you to ask, if you want to know I’ve been awful because I happened to learn today that my dearest friend had been hanging out with Lupin of all people, for how long you ask? I do not know, it could be months she’d be going behind my back. And the worst part of the whole ordeal? Rosier was the one to inform me about my friend’s weird behaviour, Rosier! She didn't have the decency to tell me herself!” Selene rolled her eyes, accustomed to Regulus dramatism; she'll never admit it, but she loved it. The boy behind her stopped, and grabbed her arm delicately to make her stop too. Regulus countenance was serious, worried even. “Really, Sel. What are you doing?”

Selene couldn’t say she wasn’t touched by his worry, how often someone actually cared about her whereabouts? Besides Lily, nobody gave a damn about her. It was nice, the warm feeling seated comfortably around her heart. But, she was unable to tell him about what she’d been doing with Lupin, even if that worried him. “I’m working on something, and I need Lupin’s help. That’s all, Reg.”

His face twisted, uncomfy. “And I assume you cannot tell me what’s that thing?” Selene nodded, she knew he’d understand. Yet, his worried expression didn’t diminish, but before she could say something to calm him down, his face turned red. “You- You are not dating him, right?” The slytherin boy now was unable to look at her directly, opting to inspect the floor and a particular stone on the wall instead.

Selene almost chuckled on his face, but contained, oh how pretty he looked all jealous. “No, Regulus, and I don’t intend to either. Why you would ask such a question is beyond my comprehension though.” But she did know, she knew Regulus fancied her, and for a time now. She wouldn’t go as far as say she liked him back, but every interaction with him left her feeling like she walked on clouds, it was nice being around him, it calmed her, he soothes her. It was nice to feel wanted.

After hearing her response, Regulus calmed, he smiled and nodded repeatedly “Alright, all is good then… I’ll not bother you with it ‘till you can tell me about it” Selene doubted she could tell him the truth, but didn’t deny it. He made the gesture of preparing to leave, but before, Regulus planted a chaste kiss on Selene’s cheek. “Uh- I- Bye!” Without expecting an answer, he fled.

Selene stood on the lone corridor for minutes, caressing the cheek he had kissed; feeling like her heart was going to explode inside her chest. She smiled like a lovesick fool for the whole afternoon.

Regulus never showed up at the library again, and Selene continued her work with Lupin.

The first months they saw no results, but on the sixth Lupin arrived at the library with great news after the full moon. “It worked!” He exclaimed, smiling from cheek to cheek.

He then explained himself, the potion hadn’t worked as ideally as they wanted to, but he was able to be in full control of himself for a whole hour once he transformed.

“We might need to increase the dose of a specific ingredient. Or maybe the whole thing should be used for a prolonged period of time…” Selene considered after hearing his full description of the effects of their current mixture. “Yet, overall this is wonderful! We might be closer than we expected” Selene couldn’t help but get excited, such a big advance they had made. 

“Closer to what?” Lily’s voice came out of nowhere, the redheaded girl had just turned the corner and met them. She seemed amused, while Lupin panicked, face all red, like a boy being caught stealing something from his mother’s handbag.

“I thought you were in divination class, Lily”. Selene’s face came back to her characteristic neutrality, only but a faint smile on her lips. Lupin being so flustered was a sight. 

“I was, but a guy from Ravenclaw was joking around with the mugs and cutted himself and the guy next to him. Professor Trelawney freaked out at the sight of blood and took them to the infirmary. So we finished earlier.” She sat on an unoccupied chair next to Selene “I cannot say I don’t appreciate it since I fell asleep minutes after the class started” Lily placed her head on the table, exhausted. Selene couldn’t say she didn’t understand her, divination was one of the hardest classes, not because of it’s difficulty but because it was truly hard not to fall asleep with Trelawney’s rambling. “But enough about me. What are you two on about? I’ve never seen you together before and now it seems that you’re working together on something.”

Selene did not need to see Lupin’s panicked eyes to know this issue must be kept from Lily, so the slytherin quickly came up with a lie “We are studying together, we often do”

“Oh!” Lily-s vague answer “And what are you getting closer to?”

“Lupin is helping me find a book. I’m trying to come by with a solution to uneven teeth, but there’s no apparent spell or potion about it. And most magic that refers to beauty is quick to fade away, almost to mask someone's characteristics more than to fully change them.” Funny thing was, it wasn’t a full lie, Selene had been searching for a way to straighten her teeth before, with magic of course. She couldn’t afford muggle’s brackets.

“We haven’t found anything on the subject, though. We only came by weird health books. We were going to start studying for the midterms now.” Lupin explained, following the lie, a mischievous smile on his lips.

“Ah” the Gryffindor girl sounded unconvinced but didn’t say anything about it, she took books out of her bag to put them on the table, a silent way to say she was going to join the supposed study session. 

“I thought you had something going on with Sirius’ brother” Lily would tell her after, on their way to the great hall. Lupin separated from them to encounter his friends a while ago, since then, the redheaded would barely direct a word to Selene, it was strange.

“What do you mean?” 

“Don’t play fool, you know what I mean”

“No, I don’t”

Lily huffed, annoyed. “How long has this thing with Lupin been going on?” 

“You mean… Studying with him?”

“That’s all there is?”

“Yes?” Selene was truly confused now, what was she on about?

“Don’t answer me with questions, Sel. Confess it, are you dating Lupin or not?”

Selene was not a girl who blushed easily, not many things could cause her enough  embarrassment to make it noticeable. But such a confrontational interrogation about her love life could make anyone uncomfortable. “Don’t say that! We do not have that kind of relationship- Don't be stupid, Lily.”

“Then, what are you?”

Selene pondered on the question for a while, under the inquisitive eyes of her best friend. What was Remus to her? It was not difficult to figure it out, she liked his company, and could talk about different things with him. With a warm smile she responded “Friends. We are friends.” 

But what will occur months later, on the lake, will show Selene that no gryffindor was ever her friend. 

They would never finish the potion, and Remus was unable to prepare even their almost useful brew without Selene’s help. He would wait for her every Tuesday and Thursday, during Gryffindor's quidditch practice, but she'd never show up.

Chapter Text

1977

It was just so incredibly weird to see her like that. So polished, so beautiful; so confident. 

Her hair, absent of its characteristic greasiness, now appeared to be something akin to silk. Midnight coloured silky hair that fell over her shoulders to her lower back. She also had done her makeup for the night, nothing exaggerated, plain mascara and a reddish lip gloss. 

If Lily had done Selene’s makeup, as she always wanted to, she would’ve used so much more, especially on the eyes, to accentuate them. Selene had such incredibly beautiful eyes, and so much potential, yet refused profusely to work on it. She wasn’t the type to wear makeup, or even to do her hair, she claimed to have no use for it. But somehow, for someone who repelled it so much, she had done it fine by herself. A simple mascara was all she needed to highlight her eyes, probably much better than a ton of eyeshadow. And the lip gloss was a nice touch for her small lips. She didn't need much to look prettier.

Lily’s chest constricted, she should have been with her to take that step, to get ready with the other to the ball, laugh at each other’s face when they applied mascara, to be the first person to see Selene with a gown, to ask her if she felt excited, to know if she was nervous; to hold with her again, to be alongside her. But she wasn’t and she couldn’t.

She saw her on the other side of the great hall, standing next to the appetisers , looking around, searching for something, or someone more likely. Selene was not hunched over like she always did (to hide her frame) , not at all- now she was standing straight, proud and tall; defiant. Yet, her eyes gave her away.

So many years she had known her, and those many years told her she was nervous. How many times did Selene reject the idea of coming to the Yule Ball? Every single year Lily would ask her to go with her, but every single time Selene would reject her.

“What I would be doing there, Lily? I’ll be standing like an idiot unable to move because I wouldn’t know how to dance. And can you imagine me in a gown? Me? I’ll make a fool of myself, I’ll look like a gloomy giraffe”.

And now, her former best friend was wearing a gown, a beautiful green silky gown. Lily wondered how could Selene manage to acquire something so fancy, so perfectly fitted to her, so very different from all her second handed clothes, but- Ah, the answer was so clear.

Regulus Black; that infamous boy. 

Lily Evans knew that hate was a strong word, and she should not hate, at least that’s what her momma always told her, when you hate, all those bad thoughts just come back at you in the end. But how could she not despise him? How could she not hate that despicable pompous boy who took her best friend away from her? 

Yes, Lily knew it was not all his fault, that partially was her own, and Selene’s too. But she already fucked it up. Should she have agreed to talk with Selene after the incident, maybe things would have been different. 

She knew Selene was sorry, that she said those words only because she felt humiliated after what James did. But Lily was so mad, so incredibly mad at her. So many times she had defended Selene from James and his friends, she had gotten into several fights over the years with Sirius because, according to him, Selene was just ‘A death eater waiting for her chance’.

Lily denied it, until the end, but those words had gotten inside of her head.

It didn’t help that Selene was friends with them, with those blood supremacists: Avery and Mulciber, they often were around her, asking her things, demanding her help on certain assignments they were not good at. But Selene was never at ease around them, so Lily never truly imagined anything more than abuse of power on their part. Now that she thought about it, it was a terrible thing she never asked Selene about it, she could’ve been in trouble and she wouldn’t have known.

Despite that, the biggest sign of upcoming problems was not Avery or Mulciber, not even Rosier with his aura of superiority, it was Black. 

She knew he was an issue. And she knew it because Sirius told her. 

Well- not directly, of course. She seriously doubts that the older of the Black brothers would have given her that information willingly. She spied on them, James and company, it became a habit when they started to pick on Selene. 

When they would gather around the common room she would be fast to sit near them and silently listen. Most of the time she was unsuccessful, James often would be aware of her, noticing her the moment he entered any room. 

But she had heard things. About the Black family being famous about their political views, how Sirius was against them but his brother was not. And how Regulus Black was the epitome of a good son. 

In the end, Lily put two and two together; she did not like her resolution.

He was a menace, she became aware of the fact in his fifth year. He followed Selene like a lost puppy, Lily never knew why he had such a big interest in her. In all honesty, it came from nowhere. One day he would be talking with other pompous boys from Slytherin, looking down to everyone, Selene included. Anyone not in his circle was met with pure disdain. Yet, not a month after the beginning of his fifth year, the barely-teenager would be following Selene around the castle. He even waited for her in the library, even if he hated the place as she would know after. Selene mostly ignored him, but she was polite. On the other hand, Lily tried to be nice to him, Regulus was not.

It was cute and funny at the beginning, a boy having a crush on her friend. When it became apparent he was serious and his intentions real, Lily began to be afraid.

She started to separate them, if she knew Regulus was waiting for Sel out of a classroom she would take her to the yard before she noticed his presence, if he waited for her to eat dinner together Lily would ask her to dine with her on a desolated classroom, or in a closet, whichever place he would not be.

But then the incident occurred. And Lily could not stand to look at her. Not even when Selene stood for two weeks in front of the Gryffindor’s tower, just to see a glimpse of her. 

Lily knew she wanted to ask for forgiveness, but what she did couldn’t be undone.

A month or so later, Lily accepted James Potter's one hundredth declaration of love, and became a couple. She was happy to finally be able to be true to her feelings, to be with the person she’d always wanted without having to worry about Selene’s pride. It was liberating!

But the guilt kicked her on the guts the first time she saw her after that. 

Lily had been holding James’ hand, his friends following them close behind, they were walking down a corridor, potions class was going to start. As they rounded the corner they met face to face with Selene. It was like she didn’t even notice the boys around them, and her eyes were fixed on Lily’s. The slytherin girl opened her mouth as if to speak, but Sirius interrupted her, making her fall out of her trance.

“What do you want, Sniv- Snape?” Remus was quick enough to punch him in the guts before he finished the insult. When Lily started dating James she’d make him promise he’d never pick on Snape again, his friends were also considered on this. If they didn’t keep his promise, they would be over. It was the first time she saw the effect of her rule.

Selene noticed for the first time the boys’ presence, it was not in her to be so distracted. As she looked around she also noticed how James was so close to Lily, then also catching a sight of their hands intertwined.

She ran away, without saying a word; her black eyes filled with tears.

The redhead felt as if she’d been the worst person alive. How could she date the boy who bullied her friend for so many years? She felt the urge to run, to go after her, to make her talk and scream at each other, to finally make peace.

But James’ hand held her tightly in place, and she did not move until he made her enter the classroom. 

Selene did not come back, she didn’t attend. Lily couldn’t say she was surprised given her reaction outside, but still hurt to see how things went.

After class she didn’t have the capacity to do anything, as if their reencounter had left her exhausted. James had asked her about it, if she needed something, but she couldn’t answer ‘ How sweet he was ’ was her only thought. And how happy she’d become the few weeks they’d been together. ‘ Would Selene ask me to leave him if we became friends again? ’ the thought plagued her. Of course Selene would be mad at her dating James, how could she not? He stopped picking on her but that did not erase years and years of abuse. It did not wipe out all the things they called her, the scars she obtained, nor the look of dejection she carried for weeks the first time Sirius called her ugly, on how he convinced her nobody would ever love her because ‘nobody loves ugly gals’. Good behaviour now could never cancel how they humiliated her that day on the lake. Lily could never forget that look of despair on Selene’s eyes, of how red her face was, of her screaming at them, pleading them to stop. She could never take it out of her mind.

Her wandering mind stopped tracks as she’d heard a commotion outside the potion’s classroom, James quickly made his way out as he noticed Sirius was involved. In less than a second, both him and Remus had to hold Sirius down, to stop him from fighting another student. Said student being Regulus Black himself. 

He looked weirdly unfaced, one could even say he was bored. Regulus and Sirius relationship has never been this bad, they mostly ignored each other or talked in secluded spaces so nobody could hear them. Fighting was something they’d never done.

But she could guess everything changed since “that” happened. 

Regulus looked back at her, his carefree facade changed in a millisecond. Never had Lily seen someone react with that rage on the mere sight of her. He scared her. But he did not do a thing, instead, he checked inside the classroom searching for someone, and left. “What was he onto?” Lily asked in a whisper, more to herself than an actual question.

“He was looking for Snape” Remus was the one to answer her, his troubled gaze meeting hers. He’d been the only truly sorry about the incident, and he didn’t even participate in it. It was so sad, he’d been Selene’s friend, just like her, but now both wouldn’t dare to get closer to her.

How happy afternoons they shared in the library, sometimes studying together, but others just chatting about life, about one's desires and expectations. How incredibly glad she was seeing Selene with Remus, of the possibility of Regulus Black being out of the picture. Of Selene joining her friend group, who knew? Maybe she’ll date Remus and then Lily would have been free to be with James.

But all of that went to hell. Because of what her boyfriend had done.

It was humiliating, purposefully cruel. And Lily was dating the one responsible. 

How cruel could she be?

Her nights were restless and suffocating. Black eyes tormented her, tears down pale cheeks drowned her- A soundless scream, a voice pleading for her, demanding her the answers none of them had.

Had Lily not seen the abuse she suffered back at home? The bruises, always hidden by long sleeves, the mark of strong hands left on her pale body, on her neck, on her wrists. Hadn't she known how excited Selene was on going to Hogwarts? How merry she was receiving her letter, for such a sad child she smiled so much her cheeks hurt after. So much excitement, only to suffer a different kind of abuse. And what was she doing now? Supporting it? Pretending that it never happened?

Lily needed to do something, to say something. And she decided to do so.

She was going to talk to her, she would demand answers about Selene’s whereabouts, about her relationship with known death eaters inside the castle, about Regulus and her plans for the future; about what she truly wanted in life. If she wanted to become the good honest person Lily knew she was, or go with all those pricks who believed neither she or her should have rights on performing magic. 

Yes- That’s what she was going to do. She finally would’ve come to a resolution, and would finally know what to do.

Only if she could.

It became impossible, because every time she saw her, Regulus Black would be standing next to her, with a loving gaze, as though Selene had hung the moon and stars, as if she was a goddess and him a mere mortal made to serve her. He carried her books, followed around, talked to her with the biggest smile he could muster and glanced with disdain at anyone foolish enough to get close to them, to interrupt their tiny bubble.

Lily tried to get close to Snape, but she made a habit to arrive late to the only class they shared, and to glide away when it finished. One time Lily even dared to talk to the couple, as they walked down a corridor, to see if she could ask her for the two former best friends to be alone. But Selene’s only response was a couple of sad eyes, and a simple “Sorry” as she walked away, hand in hand with Regulus.

And now both danced with ease, in the middle of the crowd. She rested her chin on his shoulder as they waltzed around. She had always been too tall, and Regulus had never been the tallest, yet somehow they managed to make it work. His head reached to her nose, and now with high heels it seemed like she was towering over him. He did not seem to mind, he looked at her with the same endearment he had for the past months, it had evolved though. 

He was… possessive. 

Regulus did not like anyone near her, even her “friendship” with Avery and Mulciber had come to an end. The only one who dared to speak to Selene in Regulus' presence was Rosier, but even with him, Regulus' annoyance was palpable.

Many times Lily wondered, was Black possessive or just protective? 

One could never be so sure from the distance, and sadly, now she only had glimpses of the one who was her best friend.

She wondered how different things could have been, as she hugged James during a slow dance. Some of the students had retired to bed, yet most of the hall was occupied with couples. This was their last ball, their last year in Hogwarts. 

Sirius had come to the celebration with some new girl they hadn’t known for long, but he stood bored, the girl long gone to dance with her friends. Remus decided not to come, too tired apparently, for some reason. Incredibly so, Peter was the only one with a date who actually hung on.

“Why does Sirius look so forlorn?” the redhead asked after noticing how the older Black had not moved from his spot but to refill the glass on his hand. He usually was the most enthusiastic one on this affairs, and the most energetic about Christmas happening two weeks from now, he seemed to love muggle’s celebrations in general though. Last year he was the one who danced around the most, who kissed three different girls in just a couple of hours -none of them being his date- and the one to carry a massive hangover for days after the event. Now, he appeared to be nothing more than the shell of that person, looking like him but without the will to enjoy himself.

“He’s probably sad Rems didn’t come,” James responded, unbothered.

“ Ah ” 

But Lily was not so sure about it, Sirius was intently looking at someone. As he rested his body against a wall, with a glass of punch in hand, he looked straight into the couples dancing, with a yearning gaze fixated on Selene Snape.

For a moment Lily did not comprehend what she was seeing, the sole thought made her trip over her own shoes. James caught her by the waist to keep her from falling. 

This wasn’t right, why would he be looking at Selene? Maybe- Maybe he was looking at Regulus whilst he danced with Sel.- That’d make more sense. Was he sad because his brother wasn’t talking to him? It could be, they were brothers at the end of the day.

Lily looked at him once again, unconvinced by her own reasoning. His sight still fixed on the couple dancing just metres away from them.

This was different, this was in no means the nostalgic sight of a lost brother. That look in Sirius's eyes was something she’d seen before, a craving hunger that scared her not many moons ago.

A yearning identical to another pair of grey eyes.

As Regulus spinned Selene around and Sirius's eyes darkened with desire as he followed her figure, Lily became aware of the truth.

Sirius was infatuated with Selene.

Chapter Text

1978

Not long before the end of term, Selene received a particular proposition from a friend. Before deciding what to do, she questioned Regulus about the issue.

“Malfoy is asking me to move in with him” They’d been lying on the grass that afternoon, the exams were over and now they only waited for their results, the last two years were a turmoil of emotions and stress, too much studying they had to do. 

It was all over now, at least for Selene, Reg still had one more year to go.

He was resting against her, using her shoulder as a pillow and hugging her by the waist. They were young and didn’t do much, there was no need to. He didn’t react to her statement and didn't remove his gaze from the muggle book he’d been reading under Selene’s recommendation. As she had expected, her boyfriend was behind the whole ordeal, otherwise he'd have been scandalised by the thought of her living with another man, it wouldn't have mattered if the man in question was married to his cousin. “Are you going to?” he inquired after a while, seemingly unbothered. He was pretending to give her the chance to choose, but both knew the proposition was too good to oppose it.

Between continuing living with her parents or clashing onto the Malfoy’s for a time, the answer was quite clear.

“I guess so. Your cousin will be pleased” One could say Narcissa Malfoy was an uptight aristocratic woman, and in all fairness, she was, but for some reason she never treated Selene with any more disdain than any other housemate received. Both Regulus and her were grateful for the fact. Except that that fact did not mean Narcissa appreciated that the only half-blood she knew would be staying in her house, near her and her husband.

It did not matter that Selene had been friends with Lucius for almost three years now. Their friendship was driven by Lucius' need to recruit young mages, and Selene’s own ambitions. At the end of the day, it was a mutual gain.

Malfoy was the reason why Selene started to attend death eaters’ meetings in her seventh year. He paraded her around the others, showing her off, he’ll boast about her magic abilities and her outstanding grades, he’ll shower her with all the compliments in the world, trying desperately to overcome her birth circumstances. After all, what business had a half-blood amongst pure bloods?

“What do you think they’ll say? Once I enter the ranks, what would proud families like yours conclude about the half-blood child who believes herself as good as them?”

Regulus righted himself, closing brusquely the book he’d been holding and abandoning it on the grass. He was annoyed. “Don’t think like that. You’re ten times better than any of them, my family included”

“I’m not referring to my perception of my own self, Reggy. I’m talking about their prejudices.” His eyes softened slightly, yet a worried expression clouded his handsome face. She didn’t like seeing him troubled, it wasn’t right. But, the term of endearment made him smile against his own wishes, he leaned in to steal a quick kiss from Selene’s lips, and then another, and another.

“I know what you mean, but I still don’t fancy the idea.” Regulus decided that he didn’t like the position they were currently in, hence, he figured resting his head on his girlfriend’s thighs was just the thing he needed. With his head turned towards Selene’s tummy and sliding his right arm under her thighs, the younger Black felt in heaven. Even if their topic of discussion was everything but pleasant, he guessed anything could be bearable if he could hug the one he loved. What a nice thought. “I don’t think they’ll receive you nicely, but if you know who doesn’t have an issue with your presence, nobody will dare to act upon their wishes. He’s the only one who matters at the end of the day”.

“And what if he deems me unworthy of his ranks?”

Regulus stayed silent, plagued by the possibility. It was a potential outcome he had pondered many times before. Before Selene there hadn’t been half-bloods joining the dark lord’s ranks. They could admire him, most would basically worship him even in places as subtle as the common room, but being accepted by the man in his inner circle was another deal. Selene had been going to meetings before she even turned eighteen, and Regulus knew as a fact that every single name of the attendees was informed to lord Voldemort. He was a part of his inner circle now, even if he did not actively contribute,considering he was still in school, but still had vital information about it.

He tried to calm himself, Selene attended the meetings under the dark lord’s permission, if he did not desire her to be part of his association she would have never stood a chance in the first place. 

But the possibility of a bad end darkened his future.

“Then, we’ll run. Eloping to Scotland and then going to the Americas is my stellar plan.”

Selene giggled at his ridiculous ideas. However, now more than ever it seemed like their best chance for success.

The day came, a month after her Hogwarts’ graduation, three weeks after moving in with the Malfoys and decidingly leaving everything behind. Everything of her muggle self.

On Lestrange’s manor, a gothic looking building with the welcoming aura of its owners, the initiation of the new members would take place. She will be presented by the head of the Malfoys, the only pure blood family foolish enough to claim Selene as their protegee. Regulus requested it, and Selene couldn’t possibly know how he’d convinced his cousin and her husband to do so. She and Lucius had been friends for years, nevertheless, she would have never expected him to risk his neck for her. And even so considering Narcissa did not approve of her, she escaped every time they met, even changed schedules to avoid meeting her. She seemed afraid of her more than disgusted. Later that same evening Regulus would inform her that antagonism was because a young woman’s presence would intimidate any woman, and while Selene believed that notion to be true, it seemed ridiculous a woman with a beauty such as Narcissa’s would be intimidated by someone as her.

Regulus claimed that being accompanied by the Malfoys would be the safest for Selene, to be backed up by a respectable family would diminish the chitchat of the rest. But what about the repercussions that that family would endure if she failed to charm the dark lord?

They were told to form a line, every single new member next to the other and their companion just behind. All the newcomers were wearing a dark cloak while the company would dress in normal attire. 

There wasn’t much new meat, only five counting herself on the batch. Avery and Mulciber standing in front of whom Selene guessed were their parents, two dark moody middle aged men, next to their progenitors the young men seemed greener than ever. Rosier was accompanied by an old woman, she was tall and icy looking, her skin whiter than paper and piercing blue eyes. She was beautiful, with her blonde hair pinned up in an aristocratic manner, she looked at Selene with those cold eyes for a moment, before turning away covering her nose, as if she’d smelled something putrid.

The other new member was a woman she couldn’t recall, she was a head shorter than the man behind her, and was chuckling with him while looking straight to Selene. She had an awful laugh, all wheezing and annoying, and didn’t have the decency to pretend to be laughing at something else. Her mockery pierced into Selene’s chest and a certain type of anger that only subsided when she looked into Sirius Black’s eyes seeked to take control of her senses. Yet, she didn’t give in, she didn’t lose herself and hex the disagreeable woman in front of all of the uptight spectators; nevertheless, she'll remember her, her mocking face and disgusting features.

Selene looked around the room, in a desperate attempt to locate Regulus amongst the crowd, there were so many people in there. It was incredible, really, so many aligned with the dark Lord and his ambition, convinced of their position in life, of their own importance and their purpose: to get rid of those they deemed inferior. 

Why was she there now? She’d been wondering the same for the past minutes. What was she doing there? She was not one of them, it didn’t matter how much she pretended to, how much she changed her hair, her clothes and how much she tried to make her features less severe, it did not matter because they’ll never let her be one of them. She’ll never be a person in their eyes. Sometimes it seemed like they had some kind of sixth sense, an ability that the upper classes possessed to discover your lower status. 

Only one foot she had put onto Regulus’ family home just a month ago, and his mother almost threw her out into the streets, with Regulus close behind. They didn’t expect a favourable reception from the woman’s part, however, they never would have guessed her reaction. Regulus had been almost disinherited that day, only thanks to Orion Black’s intervention that that fact didn’t come into fruition. 

How funny, going to ask for their blessing on their upcoming marriage and being met only with disdain. How did they think otherwise, anyway? 

By his parents' resolution they’d been forbidden to meet again, at least not until Regulus married a pureblood girl his parents chose for him, and only after he graduated from Hogwarts. Then, Selene would have their permission to become Regulus’ mistress. Hilarious, wasn’t it?

Of course they’d never followed their rules, and now the chance of marrying each other lay on the dark lord. Because if he deemed her as an equal, how dare Regulus’ parents deprecate his opinion? It was a stretch, and the young couple knew it, but any argument to add to their cause would do. 

Selene knew, in her heart, that Regulus would dare to go against his family wishes and be a pariah to them as Andromeda Black was, just to be with her, but in all honesty Selene wouldn’t ask him to. Who was she to ask him such a thing? To abandon all his family and everything he knew for her ?- She couldn’t, she was a broken woman, from a broken family, she could offer him nothing but regrets, and she couldn’t stand it.

She would not ask Regulus to abandon all that her mother lost. Instead, she’ll happily accept to be the other woman for the man he loved.

“How can you think so little of me to ask me to accept their proposition?” She remembered the tears streaming down Regulus’ beautiful, oh- so beautiful face. She had hurt him just asking him to consider it, but how could they not? It was not the ideal happy ending a girl should expect, but Selene was never a happy girl. Her whole life had been a torment, in home, in elementary school, in Hogwarts even, and now she was supposed to reject the possibility of a life with him? She couldn’t, she would not dare. She preferred to be his mistress and having him once a week than having nothing of him at all.

She’d explain her reasoning, the best she could but Regulus was not having it. He closed himself to that possibility and couldn’t look at it through her eyes. He’d been so angry at her, infuriated, and he continued that way for days. Until graduation. 

Regulus approached her, with his arms filled with lilies and a smile of pure pride on his face. Selene almost cried of relief in front of all the student body, and kissed him soundly right there in the Great Hall, hugging him as he was going to escape from her grasp. She had been terrified, she thought she’d lost him, his strong arms around her body were the only thing that mattered now, if someone would ask her what event happened on that day she could not tell, because that was the day her world started to make sense.

“I understand, you know, but let's try something first” he had whispered in her ear.

And here she was now, surrounded by death eaters, most of them relatives to Regulus, and still couldn’t find him amongst the crowd. 

Until finally she recognized Narcissa’s blonde hair from afar, along with a bundle of messy hair just beside her. Selene smiled to her insides, Regulus decided to let his hair grow a little bit now that she cutted hers, ‘Now we’ll match’ he jokingly said. His eyes didn’t meet hers, since he was focused on the man who entered the room.

All laughs stopped and murmurs died, silence reigned; the Dark lord had finally appeared.

He was nothing Selene expected. He seemed young, not like a child, but he wasn't ancient. According to Lucius he was older than Selene’s mother, yet he didn’t seem to; He was handsome, and carried himself as such.

Somehow she never imagined he would be, but after examining Bellatrix Lestrange’s expression and some other women she didn’t know in the crowd too, she wasn’t the only one to consider him so.

He started saying something, about mages' relevance in the world and their purpose in it. Of how one should not obey the rules of muggles but to make them kneel at the sight of one's power. It was the same speech she’d heard at the meetings before, way too many times. 

As expected, his followers took his words seriously, as a mantra, a way of living.

She wondered once again if her own ambitions were enough to claim a place amongst them, if her desire for a place in the world was enough to compensate for her lack of everything they deemed precious.

The ceremony started once the dark lord announced the welcome to new members of his inner circle, although that wasn’t quite true. One could be a death eater, carry the mark and still not be considered an important member.

As expected, one’s position was also given according to advantages in life. Pure bloods from a good and honorary family like Lucius and Regulus have been given the mark not long before their seventeenth birthday,  and considered important members of the group even before actively participating in it. Considering that fact, it was quite strange for Rosier to receive his mark just now.

As the dark lord finished talking, he approached the first in line, Rosier himself. He was tall, but the Dark Lord was taller, the older man grabbed him from the chin and made him look into his eyes, at the same time he put his wand onto Rosier’s forearm, the wood pressing the skin hard, as if piercing it.

Rosier screams filled the room, such agonising noise. ‘His throat will hurt after this’ were Selene’s only thoughts as her former classmate cried in pain.

It lasted just a couple of minutes yet seemed like an eternity, the woman behind him, the same woman who looked at her with pure disdain, was now looking at the young man with worry, she covered her mouth to forbid herself to make any type of noise. To avoid the scream of protest she was forming in her throat.

What would happen if anybody present had the nerve to go against the dark lord?

He finally stopped, letting him go immediately, Rosier eyes shadowed, in some kind of trance.

‘Voldemort used legilimency on him.’ It made sense for him to do so, and it made more sense for him to have the power to do it. Only powerful wizards could master the ability, it was expected of him to be one of them. He must have made sure where Rosier's loyalties lay, he was going to make sure how loyal and willing all of the presents were, Selene included.

And where should that leave her now? She was unaware of that part of the initiation, nobody ever commented on it, always highlighting the excruciating pain of the mark but not about the man going inside one's mind.

Why didn't Regulus warn her about it?

She searched his eyes once again, and he was already seeing her on the other side of the room. Was he testing her? To see if her loyalties laid with the dark lord too? She felt how her breathing became unsteady, her face burned yet she felt cold, bile rose to her throat, the nervousness overruling her body.

She should have never guessed Regulus would do such a thing, her mind started rambling, contemplating every possibility and reasoning behind his omission of that crucial detail. Even so she refrained, before she could start questioning everything she believed in, in her relationship, in her boyfriend's intentions. His eyes were focused on her as he made a subtle gesture, two fingers pointing at his eyes. Quick as they came they went.

Without hesitation, she entered his mind, a single scrap of memory he showed, Narcissa standing next to a pool, soaked wet, Regulus was too. She was younger, way younger than they were now, while Regulus was barely a kid. Her icy eyes focused on something else, never him.

“Just give them what they want”

And she came back.

Regulus' expression was troubled, eyes furrowed and lips on a fine line. 

He didn't know. The legilimency was something new, that’s why he never warned her.

The dark lord came to her, all the others already having their mark, Avery and Mulciber tried to be strong, but after the wand touched their skin a shrieking sound escaped from their lungs. The woman before her cried desperately and almost fainted, she wept after it was finished, and caressed the skin of her forearm.

He came to her then, expression bored, craving for this ceremony to be finished, as he grabbed her chin and pressed his wand on her forearm his expression did not change, until he went inside her.

She would show him just what he wanted to see, the hatred for the muggles he expected from all of them, and the only way to do so was showing him what she had endured.

As the dark lord entered inside her mind, she felt the excruciating pain of the mark starting to take form in her arm, her screams filled the room.

A memory took form, her father, drunk and mad, entered the house, mumbling some words that were impossible to discern. Her mother was in the kitchen preparing something that wasn’t going to be finished. Eileen ignored him, that often worked, ‘just let him be and he will bore’ was her philosophy, which she repeated to herself and to her daughter everyday. .

However, this time was different, because one of the women he frequented did not accept him, too little money one could guess. So he pretended to satisfy himself as a good husband would do. 

But he was in no means a good husband, nor a good father. He did not care if eight year old Selene stood in front of them in the room, not when he started to manhandle his wife, touching her with unwanted caresses, groping her without care if she screamed ‘no’. And when the little girl tried to push him away, to separate his body from her momma’s, he would not care.

Eileen begged her daughter to go away, to hide herself and cover her ears. Instead, Selene’s magic decided to show itself for the first time, it did what she could not, it pushed her father away and threw him against the wall. 

Eileen’s eyes showed a terror little Selene had not seen before, as Tobias straightened himself he would scream against his daughter, punishing her for her lack of control.

“You! Condemned witches!”

The mark on Selene’s arm was finished, her screams stopped while the symbol itched. Yet, the dark lord didn’t retreat, he did not separate himself from her as he did before with the others, instead he searched inside her again. She let him, always showing the terrible things she suffered, what she had endured. He was feasting with  her memories, when one finished he explored to find the next one. She showed him all, and he appeared to be pleased by it, she avoided anything related to Lily, and danced around memories to keep away Regulus too. She showed him the disdain she encountered in others, on her classmates when little, when they beat her up because she was scary looking, on how they’ll throw things at her direction as she passed by, on how she just stopped assisting to class to avoid the horrifying looks. She would exhibit her intimacies, the abuse on the hands of her father, his disdain for magic. How in the summer before her seventh year he would show up in her bedroom at night claiming she was old enough for what was about to come. 

She wanted to kill him.

She so desperately wanted to, he deserved it. How many horrors had she and her mother endure all because of him? They would be much better without him, the world would be better without him.

But she couldn’t, she knew she couldn’t. Azkaban’s existence clouded her intentions, how many years would she receive from the crime?  Would she ever be able to feel the sunlight on her skin if she was condemned? To feel the smell of grass?

And she couldn’t, he wasn’t worth a life of despair, his life was not important enough to condemn hers.

So she fought him, hands and teeth, she would scream and ask for her mother’s help, but she wouldn’t come. His body was way too heavy for her, more than once she would’ve condemned her inability for sports, but never more than that specific moment.

She would be damned to let him do this again to her, she had permitted it while she was too young, too little to understand, but once the magic appeared he became too fearful of her. Where did that fear go?

As he distracted himself pulling his pants down and letting go of her hands, Selene seized the opportunity and slammed a copy of ‘The monster book of monsters’ on her father’s head.

It worked, she had knocked him out, thanking Merlin for the drugs and the alcohol he had consumed earlier, for they had weakened him.

What continued in that memory is what tormented Selene the most, what had her lying awake at night the days when life felt too much of a burden to continue living it. So she pulled him out, she made the dark lord forcefully exit her memories because she didn’t want to share what was next.

It was a mistake, to let him fully know the power she had. To basically yell at his face how dominant of occlumency she was. But she panicked, she was only eighteen years old, she was keen to make mistakes and this was one of the first biggest mistakes she would commit in her life. Such a foolish decision driven only by emotion.

But she couldn’t let him know, because if he knew, if anyone knew, it would become factual. And how can a girl admit it? How can she say out loud that when she exited that room, when she had freed herself from her father’s abusive hands and she opened the door to escape, she was met directly with her mother’s panicked face. She had stood there, right outside her room during the whole ordeal.

And she did not help her.

Her mother just waited there until her father was done with her.

When Selene’s eyes focused again on what was truly happening in front of her, she saw a pair of green eyes, not bored as they were before, but inquisitive, he had a strange chimmer in them.

Before anyone could comprehend if she was doomed or not, he chuckled, showing a white set of teeth and particular sharp canines. The strong rumble of his voice echoed on her ears.

“How interesting”

Chapter Text

He chuckled; it was the strangest thing, a deep sound reverberating from the deepness of his chest. 

He came out of her mind and he chuckled , as if her memories, her childhood and her abuse was nothing but entertaining. But- No, that was not it. He did enjoy it, not because it was humorous, but because it was true. His hand didn’t let go of her chin, instead, with his thumb he caressed her jaw. “Ah, this is interesting,” he whispered before finally moving away. He faced the crowd, dozens of eyes fixated on him. 

The wicked smile decorating his mouth didn’t waver at the sight of the multitude, it became a full on grin.

He was pleased with her, it was such a relief.

The evening turned into a celebration, almost like a graduation, refreshments laid on a long table and champagne was served. It felt anticlimactic in some way, to celebrate in such a way one’s initiation into a cult.

Most were talking to their own closer relatives, Selene noticed how the icy looking lady was standing next to Narcissa with an unfriendly expression. Seeing them side to side it was obvious the relationship, the woman was her mother.

Her distasteful look made sense then. Who would be pleased by a young woman invading her daughter’s home? Her being deemed inferior to them only added to the insult.

Lucius stood on one side with the Dark Lord talking to him with great pleasure, while the other seemed once again bored, Bellatrix stood next to them, eye gazing at the older man with hearts in her eyes, she didn’t even care that her husband was but a metre away from her. 

Selene didn’t notice she was staring, until Voldemort’s eyes met hers, she gave a small reverence and he smiled in return, holding his half filled cup in the air. 

His approval was something she did not expect, at most she had supposed she'd receive his indifference. It did not mean something in particular for the future, yet only by his reaction she had gained the disdain from the other members, his jealousy was easy to decipher.

Their disapproving eyes were fixated upon her, as she walked around the room, whether to find a refreshment or to get a new glass, their sight followed her around. 

Lucius was on the moon, exuberant even, knowing that his protegee had captured his lord's attention. But neither him nor Narcissa got closer to her. Selene deemed wise, it would not do to antagonise the others.

And Regulus, well Regulus was occupied. An older woman who Selene did not know was holding him in place, while Narcissa’s mother and Narcissa herself were accompanying them. Probably to keep him from fraternising with the likes of her.

In the end, she stood alone. But not for long.

“So… How did you manage it?” It was Rosier who approached her, with his characteristic mocking smile. Selene remembered one time Black said Rosier had a punchable face, she had discarded the thought because of how childish it sounded, but right now she couldn’t agree more.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play the fool, Snape. You know what I mean” Selene stood silent, sipping on her glass. When it seemed obvious the woman was not going to respond to him, he pressed on “You know… It’s funny. Somehow you trapped the heir of the Blacks and now you charmed the dark lord.” He was implying something, and she did not like it, yet Selene continued to ignore him, focusing her eyes only on Regulus' figure standing metres away from them. Rosier, being the manchild he was, was used to receiving immediate attention from everyone surrounding him, that included someone like Selene, who in all fairness just wanted to be left alone, that why, being confronted by her silence now that she had been the star of the evening and not him, Rosier lost his wits. “I would’ve never expected you to be so charming, Snape. But one could guess even someone as ugly as you can have her way to charm someone onto her bed. Tell me, what lover boy will say once he learns you’re such a whore?”

Selene Snape has known Evan Rosier since the first day of Hogwarts, and he, just as Sirius Black, carried himself with an aura of superiority. He did not bother with those he deemed inferior, but intended to overpower those who he believed a threat. In both cases Selene had been their objective. She knew her own capacities and abilities, and understood that knowledge was above all, power. Yet, she never understood what both pure bloods like them could see in her eleven year old self and consider a menace. 

Before Hogwarts her knowledge of magic was below average, not having the opportunity to practise around, and her only resource being old books her mother had hidden in her closet. Her and Lily were some of the few who hadn’t experienced much magic in their formative years, but the pure bloods were different, they had grown into that world, seeing a broom fly was nothing new, ghosts were a normal occurrence, candles floating in the air was nothing but unremarkable. But for her and Lily it was everything. The amazement they felt those first weeks in the castle were one of Selene’s first happy memories, it did not matter she became the laughingstock of the slytherin house because of it.

She became accustomed to it, but it did not mean she didn’t fight back.

Selene did not bat an eye, her eyes still fixated on the person she cared the most, Regulus had ridden off the women surrounding him and now made his way to her. She turned back to Rosier, who seemed to be awaiting her response. What did he expect her to say? To scream back and deny his invention? She didn’t have anything to prove to him, he did not matter. In her life was only Regulus for her, nothing nor anyone mattered anymore. “I don’t know, Rosier. But I cannot help wondering what your father said about you. Are your capabilities so low that you had to be received into the death eaters next to a common whore like me? How disappointed your daddy must feel.”

His eyes darkened with rage, ah, she had hitten a sore spot. For someone from such a good family to be received that late in the ranks of lord voldemort it only meant an issue was behind it all. His father was absent, and his aunt claimed him as her protegee. Selene did not care about Rosier family issues, but to see him devastated by her supposition filled her with delight. 

She did not say it out of pure chance nor good luck, she knew the Rosier’s had problems with the dark lord not long ago. As Narcissa’s mother might expect, Selene dedicated to listen behind closed doors in Malfoy’s Manor, in case something useful would come out of it. It came in the end. She did not know the extent of the problem, but she did know about the recent distance between Rosier’s father and him.

The other way Rosier was similar to Black was how easily they lost their patience, under the slightest provocation they would start to riot. Would he do it? Would he dare to slash his anger at her under the dark lord’s presence? She seriously doubted it, but the idea was truly entertaining. 

He seemed to be thinking on how to respond, to slash at her, to explain his position or to just back away, yet he did none. Regulus had finally arrived. 

He appeared to sense the tension on the ambience or just to recognise the anger on Rosier’s icy eyes, because he positioned his body between Rosier and hers. “There is something in the matter, Evan?” 

Evan, ah- That’s right. Rosier was one of Regulus’ many relatives. A cousin of some sort, probably. She should learn all of his connections soon.

The referred did not answer right away, his pale eyes looking at Selene with disdain. He turned back to his relative after a long moment, his anger faded but not completely. “Just control your mistress”. Rosier snarled just before walking away.

As Regulus turned to follow him and probably do something who his family might deem ungentlemanly, he felt Selene’s hand to fold around his, her slender fingers keeping him in place.

Her face was indecipherable for the inexperienced eye, but an anxious gleam clouded her pretty eyes. He had seen her from afar, and somehow even if Evan seemed to be exasperated she had been enjoying the interchange of words. “What happened?”

“Rosier wanted to vex me, so I did it instead. I guess he just doesn’t enjoy it when people highlight his faults.” Her response was smooth, she even shrugged, disinterested. Selene only got anxious once he was involved.

Regulus chuckled, he would never say it out loud, but her, worrying about him even in the most insignificant circumstances was cute. Evan was about to explode about something she said and that was piffling, but him confronting the man about his sayings was unthinkable.

She was too protective of him, and he loved her because of it.

He wanted to kiss her so badly, to caress her cheek, to put an unruly strand of hair behind her ear. But it was no time for teenage romance, because the future loomed over their heads. 

A brown pair of eyes looked at them across the room, the dark lord’s eyes had been fixated upon Selene for minutes now, he would look once in a while to the ones who surrounded him, he would even talk to them, but his gaze had not driven far from Selene’s form since the mark on her arm was engraved.

When Selene received the Dark Lord’s approval it felt as if Regulus’ world collapsed. All in just minutes. This is what they were looking for, this is what they wanted, but not like this, this man’s approval was the opportunity they were searching so desperately for, but the gleam in his eyes refrained from feeling any kind of relief. 

Regulus wondered for a moment if he was being paranoid, a jealous fool who mistook respect for desire. He was not mistaken, he might be jealous, he would even call himself possessive, but he was no fool. During Selene’s initiation the older man didn’t let go of her, not even when the mark was obviously finished, he stood in front of her, eyes focused on hers while his mind explored beyond anyone had gone with Selene.

It was painful to accept the fact that he might know more about her than Regulus.

It stung, but the pain was quickly replaced by fear. What does this mean for them?

And he was not the only one wondering about it. The murmurs were barely above a whisper, but thanks to a quick spell Regulus was able to hear them.

He wasn’t the only one concerned about the odd behaviour of the dark lord, although he himself couldn’t categorise it as odd, since he had barely seen the man twice before, according to his entourage, him being so expressive was definitely a queer scenery.

Yet nothing unconventional happened that night, nor the following weeks. Selene had been assigned to prepare potions like crazy, different types for different situations. It was as if the death eaters were stocking up for the following months, while the rest of the new members were designed on other mundane tasks, Regulus being one of them. Considering he hadn’t been a death eater for long it was just normal to expect his participation on monotonous missions.

So, on a day nearing the end of August, near the beginning of his last school year, Regulus was commanded to do a reconnaissance mission on a muggle town. Cokeworth was its name.

It creeped him out, not the town itself, but the meaning behind it. He was the only one in charge of this precise place, and he was not ignorant of its importance. It was Selene’s home town after all.

What the dark lord business was in here he couldn’t tell, it lacked the strategic importance of other places, there was no magical community in it, it wasn’t located near a place of utter relevance like a train station or a hospital, it didn’t even seem they had much, no more than a immense chimney and an awful smelling river filled with nothing but trash.

As many muggle and magical settlements, the social status of the people who lived in Cokeworth divided the neighbourhoods. Some were quite good looking, with ample windows and polished gardens, those residences were considerably far away from the trash river, the money afforded comfortability after all, while some others could hardly be considered a home of any sort. 

Regulus, after going around town searching for anything useful about the place to inform his master, was currently looking at the polar opposite of those pretty high class neighbourhoods, he was on Spinner’s end, the street where Selene used to live. He didn’t know which one of the scrawny looking buildings -if one could call them that- used to be her home, she had never described to him the aspect of the house where she had grown up, no more than calling it ugly and depressing.

Each house appeared to be more hideous than the one before, some with broken windows and peeled paint. It seemed as if most of these houses were abandoned, maybe junkies used them to sleep during the night, to have a roof over their heads. The graffities decorating some houses gave him the idea, it was not necessarily true, but what else someone like him would think about this type of surroundings?

He needed to take all prejudice out of his head, this was where Selene had grown up, and most likely Evans too, although he didn’t portray her living in places such as the ones surrounding him at the moment. Evans seemed middle class, not poor, and certainly not uptight, probably Selene needed to walk a little bit when she was younger to meet her friend.

He saw from afar a slim woman entering one of the houses, to the only building that had all its windows intact. It was late in the evening, the clouds covered the sky and the dim light of the afternoon was quickly fading away.

‘I might just go now, I didn't find anything here. And I don’t even know where Selene used to live.’ He exhaled, exhausted, the whole day might have been a complete waste of time, his feet hurted, he had walked through almost every neighbourhood yet he found nothing, it was a deadly place filled with nothing more than muggles and their insignificant lives.

A hand softly brushed his right shoulder, he felt cold, the strong presence of the dark lord on his side suffocated him. It took all of Regulus' strength not to scream out loud out of fear, instead, with all the security he could muster he bowed to the older man. “My lord.”

The man seemed pleased by his response, he smiled, but that smile did not reach his eyes, as it was common. “Young Regulus, I might be wrong but I had the impression you were leaving.”

It was uncomfortable, him being so polite, as if he cared about Regulus’ whereabouts. Why was he there? This operation was way too insignificant to require his presence. “My lord, I have inspected this town thoroughly as I could, but I couldn't find anything of use.”

“Ah- That’s correct, there is nothing useful in here, just dozens and dozens of muggles living like rats.” His brown eyes concentrated on the house Regulus saw the woman enter. “Although that’s what they are, at the end of the day.” He started to walk in the direction of the building, Regulus followed as he had not been dismissed.

The dark lord opened the door without care, it wasn’t even closed, magic was not needed. Regulus was just behind when a tall old man started to scream in their direction.

Everything became numb then. The dark lord jinxed the man, throwing him against the wall, the woman he had seen before screamed in despair yet did nothing more than cover her ears and close her eyes tightly.

What if the neighbours hear? He had thought, but in this type of neighbourhood, nobody would come to help a lone woman screaming. 

The dark lord extended his hand to him and then towards the muggles. He had kindly requested him to finish the job.

Why them? Why enter that precise house? Why kill these people?

Whas it part of the initiation? After the mark one’s lack of empathy would be tested? To see if one could truly kill somebody?

It made sense, but at the same time it didn’t. He had been part of the death eaters for months, almost a year, or probably more than a year, he couldn’t even recall by now. 

Why now? Why them?

Regulus didn’t know when he realised it, or maybe he had known all along, since his eyes followed the woman’s path. He had foolishly avoided the couple of frames that hung in the wall near the entrance, the sad looking girl in them, her black eyes looking at him with some sort of hope. 

He should have noticed it by the looks of the screaming woman, her face so similar to the one he loved, but aged terribly by what she had endured.

These were Selene parents, the people who raised her and made her become who she is.

Should he defend them? To fight the dark lord to protect the parents of the one he loved?

He would be dead in seconds if he did it, he had no opportunity against him. 

For just a second a foolish thought crossed his mind, what would Sirius do? Sirius would fight without thinking of the consequences, he would put himself in front of the woman to protect her with his body if he had to, he may even try to punch the dark lord in the face if the opportunity presented itself.

But he was no Sirius, he was himself.

Even if these were Selene’s parents he had no desire to protect them. Why should he anyway? Hadn’t they been the ones to give her all of those bruises? The ones who made her so afraid to come back to her house that she had spent all of her afternoons in a park nearby? Weren’t they the ones who abused her to the point she became weary of her surroundings, of the people- Of everything?

 He had a fair idea of to which point their abuse had gone.

He didn’t need to hear it from her mouth, it was clear considering her reactions. 

Of how weary she was of him at the beginning, of how violently she reacted the first time he wanted to hold her hand, of how uncomfortable she was when they first started dating. He had brushed it away, thinking it was nothing more than her usual aversion to people, but there was more on it and he knew it.

He still remembered that moment, when her face filled with pure and frantic panic.

They had been kissing- nothing more, he only held her hands and caressed her cheeks, but it was enough to make his whole heart flutter, and something else too.

It was unconscious, he had accidentally brushed his shame against her tight. Regulus had been so ashamed, and a little terrified, thinking she would make fun of him. 

That would have been way better than what actually happened.

One thing Selene always prided herself on was she almost never cried, one time Sirius had made her cry and started calling her Snivelline, and she promised herself that it would never happen again. She wasn’t able to contain her tears as much as she liked, but Regulus had seen her shed tears only twice. One of them being that awful moment, with both of them in a secluded classroom after a kissing session. She cried so hard her throat felt sore for days after.

Her reaction terrified him, he hadn’t even done anything. He had frantically apologised, but her breathing became unsteady, and her body trembled uncontrollably. 

Regulus tried to touch her, to hug her and tell her everything would be okay, but she wouldn’t let him. She hugged her knees tightly and hid her face in them.

They skipped classes that day, Regulus stood next to her the whole day waiting for her to calm down. He hadn’t known what to do at that moment, but promised himself he wouldn’t let it be that way again.

After hours of silence Selene spoke, she had controlled her cries and most importantly, recovered the control of herself. She was hugging him now, hiding her face on his neck, smelling his scent and engraving it in her memory. Because this was Regulus and no other, he wouldn’t hurt her like others did. 

 “I’m sorry- It’s just, my dad-” She didn’t say anything further, but she didn’t need to. He had understood.

Regulus would learn months later that his suspicions were true, of what her father tried to do before her seventh year, only a month before her panic unleashed.

So it came without difficulties to kill her father. Tobias was his name, if he remembered correctly. Yes, that was it- Tobias Snape. 

He had to remember that name, since he was the first person he killed.

Regulus didn’t care the dark lord’s whole motive was to make him do this, was he proving him? To see if he could kill any muggle he’ll ask even if the result would hurt him directly? Maybe it was it, maybe he wanted to plant the seed of discord between Selene and him. To make her unlash her anger at him by the murder of her parents.

Regulus didn’t care about his master’s plans, because for him, this , this was justice. 

His resolution only changed when he encountered the eyes of Eileen Snape. She had been laying on the floor protecting her head with her hands in a useless attempt to feel safe, but when Regulus came to her, she uncovered her head and glanced up to him.

Her eyes will plague him for the rest of his life.

He whispered a silent apology to his lover before killing her mother.

Chapter Text

1978, Months before

It was their engagement celebration at her family home, two months after James asked the question, two months after their Hogwarts graduation. Her boyfriend then, now fiancé, had the fantastic -and insane- idea to propose to her, right in front of the whole world, on their last day at Hogwarts. He jumped on the Gryffindor table and poured his whole heart into a -not so good- speech.

Needless to say, Lily was on the moon, she also jumped on the table and hugged him, smiling brightly. James laid a bunch of tiny kisses on her face. Such a happy moment made her forget the events of the past months, and as she often did before, she searched Selene with her eyes. Would she be smiling with her, seeing her so happy? Would she be jealous because her friend wouldn't belong to just her?

An idea crossed her mind, of Selene as her bridesmaid waiting for her on the end of the aisle. Smiling widely at her in pure delight for Lily’s happiness.

She found her, all the way to the other side of the Great Hall, yet she wasn’t looking at her. 

Selene’s eyes were fixated on Regulus,  the former was giving her a big bouquet of flowers, calla lilies.

How dare he?  

Did he believe he could replace her with a bunch of flowers? Lily was way more important than that. Selene was her best friend and a ridiculous gift such as that- A bouquet of flowers that carried her name would not change the fact. 

But no, that bouquet wasn’t her replacement, because there was nothing to replace. Lily realised with a bitter taste in her mouth. They weren’t friends anymore; they hadn’t been for more than a year. It had been months since they last spoke, the fact was awfully difficult to accept.

She couldn’t celebrate her engagement with her best friend because she no longer had one. 

And even if Lily knew it was not correct, she poured all her hatred towards Regulus. He was the reason why they weren’t able to speak again; the one who took her away

As she saw James happily celebrating with his friends and them congratulating him, the reality became heavier, but she didn’t let the fact push her down, she wasn’t alone, she had James now, now and forever. And his friends too, the so called Marauders were her friends too, she lost a friend but she gained a whole group of friends.

If only that could bring her comfort.

They decided to celebrate at her house, as a goodbye to her parents. She was going to leave her childhood house and start to live with James after the ceremony, and the Marauders needed to introduce themselves to her parents, so they would know she was going to be in good hands.

It was a simple reunion, with just her, her parents and the Marauders. Petunia didn’t want to attend, being surrounded by wizards would only make her uncomfortable, and she was already too mean-spirited to share a whole evening with her only sister. She stayed at her boyfriend’s house that night. 

James had met her parents on last year's winter break, and she met the Potter’s tomb that same week.

Her mom prepared a bunch of different plates and also a chocolate cake to celebrate. Remus' eyes gleamed hearing about it, although he wasn’t told that the cake was specifically made for him, since neither she nor James actually enjoyed sweets that much.

After they ate and while they were conversing about the future an echo of Selene presented on Lily’s front door.

At nine o'clock the doorbell rang. As Lily opened the door she saw Selene’s future.

Her mother stood there, pale as always, with the tormented gaze only an abused person had. She was nervous and looked afraid, she had the same black eyes Selene possessed, only that the woman’s right eye was blackened by what one could only assume was a blow.

With the only exception being her nose, seeing Eileen Snape was just like seeing Selene as an adult. Eileen was around forty years old, perhaps less, but she seemed drained of life, as she’d lived way more than she was supposed to.

“May I help you, ma’am?” Lily asked after a while, the woman did not speak after the redhead opened the door, her nervous looking eyes fixated on her face, she seemed hopeful for some reason.

“Yes - I’m sorry, yes.” She inhaled, trying to muster courage. “I-I was wondering if you… If you know where my daughter is.”

Lily's puzzled expression gave her away, any trace of hope on Mrs. Snape's face disappeared. 

“I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her lately” Lily started saying “But I can try to contact her, did something happen?” It wasn’t Lily’s problem, she should not bother nor care. But if that woman in front of her, scared of her own shadow, came to her house searching for her daughter, things must have gone wrong. “Do you want to come in?”

The woman reluctantly accepted and entered the parlour, but then laughter could be heard from the hall “I’m bothering you, maybe I should go” Lily didn’t let her. 

“Don’t worry, you’re not bothering. Can you please tell me what happened?” It was an invasion of privacy, but the woman seemed like she needed to be heard, and Lily needed details.

The older woman massaged her hands, she had long slim fingers, they were just like Selene’s. Lily could see bruises on her wrist, and besides the purple eye she had marks of fingers on her neck, what kind of life did she have? 

What kind of life Selene had?

It was the second time Lily saw Eileen Snape, once before she only saw a glimpse of her on a window. 

It had been the summer after their third year, and Lily hadn’t heard a word from Selene since the holiday had started. Worried, she went to her house searching for her.

It wasn’t much what she saw, although it was less from what she heard. She wasn’t able to see Selene that day, she couldn’t even knock on her door, because once she crossed her small front yard she was greeted by an audible screaming of pain.

She was paralysed on the spot, terrified. A bunch of insults were heard from inside, all being spoken by the same person, a man, an old man.

Lily didn’t wait to see what was going on, she ran away, only turning back to get a last glimpse of the house. On one of the windows facing the street she spotted Eileen’s panicked expression. The woman met her eyes through the glass and without words urged her to run.

Lily never came back to her house, the sole aura of the place sent shivers down her spine. She never told her parents about what happened either.

And now the woman was standing uncomfortably on her parlour. She seemed hesitant, afraid to speak, but she did either way. “My daughter- Selene, she came home after Hogwarts, as she always does. She seemed happy.” The woman inhaled, it seemed that she had difficulties speaking, her voice came out hoarse “I- It was weird, she’s never happy coming back. Then after a week she just left, it was out of the blue. She didn’t leave a letter nor anything, saying where she might be. And I’m worried because- because we don’t have any money. I know she doesn’t, so where might she be?” She started trembling and tears filled her eyes. “I came here because I know how much she loves you, so she might have told you where she went? I just want to know she’s doing well. That she is fine and- And tell her that I love her and-”

“Lily! your soon to be husband is being tortured by your father!” Sirius exclaimed as he rounded the corner, stopping on his tracks as he saw the woman standing in the middle of the room. His eyes were confused yet amazed by the sight in front of him. “Snape?” He whispered.

Eileen didn’t respond, Sirius' presence made her even more uncomfortable than she was before. “Go back, Sirius. I’ll be there in a minute” But he didn’t move. Eyes wide, only focusing on the face of the woman in front of him, “Sirius!” 

Finally Lily’s voice took him out of his stupor. Could someone blame him though? This woman in Lily Evans’ parlour was the vivid image of Selene Snape, yet she wasn’t her. Because the Selene Snape he knew would never let anyone see her as scared as this woman was.

Their faces were the same, the same paleness, the same big sad eyes. But her whole expression was wrong. This woman appeared to be scared of her own shadow, as if everything was a nightmare she needed to hide from, while Selene faced the world with a decisiveness nobody could match.

This was not Selene, he was certain of it, even by their likeness this couldn’t be the woman he knew. But then, who was this?

“Sirius!” Lily called him out again, furious this time, her face matched the redness of her hair. He looked back at the woman, she was trembling, terrified. Was it because of him? 

But he hadn't even talked?

He gave them both an apologetic smile and turned away. 

The others were enjoying the evening, Remus had eaten three slices of chocolate cake while Peter filled his mouth with the rest of the food. James somehow charmed his way out of Mr. Evans’ interrogation, and was now laughing with him.

He’d been laughing too, just minutes before. But at the moment he could only think in the horrified look on the eyes of the woman in the parlour.

Lily’s mother patted his shoulder softly, to get his attention. “Was Selene at the door, dear?” The woman’s sweet voice reverberated inside him, he shook his head. 

“No, Mrs. Evans. I don’t know who was at the door.” 

He discovered it soon enough. After dinner, when they were about to retire Lily took him to a silent corner to speak to him.

“You are not going to tell James about what happened.”

“Why?”

“He gets upset every time Selene’s name is brought up in a conversation, and now this? And today? He’ll lose it.”

“ Ah ” He didn’t promise anything. Sirius knew if James’ asked he'd tell, he was his mate after all. His loyalties laid on James not on his girlfriend. He kept his answer as vague as possible. “So, who was she?”

Lily's eyes widened, but quickly hid her surprise with distrust. She was still too protective of Snape. “Her mom”

It made sense. For a moment he had believed the woman had been her sister or something alike, even if she seemed older than them and way too fragile. He nodded “What she wanted?” Lily was going to refuse to tell him, he sensed it. “If you don’t want me to tell Prongs, you’ll have to tell me what’s going on.” 

The redhead wasn’t enjoying their conversation, she seemed angry at him because of his interference, even if he didn’t intend to. “She was looking for Selene,” he raised an eyebrow, expecting further explanation. Lily sighted before continuing. “She escaped, apparently. Her parents have not seen her in over a month.”

“Did she- Did she have reasons to do that?” The redhead refused to answer and he did not push it. It wasn’t his problem, but the answer was crystal clear. He recognized an abusive family when he saw one, he had been a victim of it after all. “So what are you going to do?”

“I’ll owl her. See if I can check on her. I don’t know where she could have gone.” They looked at each other, pondering about the situation. Even if the most probable place was with Regulus it was still way too unlikely, Grimmauld Place was out of question and both of them knew it. Wallburga Black would have to be three metres under before permitting a half blood in her house. And Regulus didn’t possess the kind of money to pay for a place for her. 

Months after Sirius left and their mother disinherited him, Regulus informed him that they withdrew all of Regulus funds, making him incapable of making use of it until he finished school. Besides a small amount of galleons as an allowance every expense he’ll have would have to be approved by their mother first. It was one of the many ways they used to keep Regulus under their control.

Therefore, Regulus’ was out of question, Sirius even doubted they would keep dating after Hogwarts, so he discarded asking him about Snape’s whereabouts. Lily did too, but Sirius believed it to be because of her aversion to his brother.

Sirius saw the troubled gaze of his friend’s fiancé. He knew Snape and Lily had been friends even before Hogwarts, that they didn’t distance themselves from each other even after being chosen to different houses; that their friendship only ended because of Sirius and James’ actions.

He never felt pity for Snape, she wasn’t the kind to produce that feeling in other people, and his disdain for her only grew stronger with her inability to bend.

She was way smarter than them, and she knew it. She invented too many jinxes to use against them. 

Until they used her own creation against her.

It wasn’t his proudest moment, he had been way too ashamed after, but it would be a lie to say he regretted it.

It was a stupidity, and a little sadistic if he actually started to consider his behaviour. Yet, seeing Snape in such a desperate situation did nothing to diminish the hunger he felt inside.

Sirius didn’t consider himself stupid, and most people he knew wouldn’t either -the exception being Snape, obviously.- Yet, with all his brilliance and cleverness he knew he possessed, he wasn’t able to figure out why he needed so desperately to do such things to her.

It might be something about her face, she always seemed to be angry at him, all furrowed brows and eyes filled with disdain. Lips curled in a snarl, never turned up on a smile.

It was the best way to get a reaction, it was childish, like a boy pulling a girl’s hair, but it worked.

And that time it worked in way too many ways. 

Selene never used her school uniform like the other girls, while the rest used short skirts in fashion, to highlight their legs. She would be wearing what was supposed to be a knee length skirt, but the fabric was obviously made for a taller and wider person, and when adjusted to her figure it came down beyond her knees, reaching her calves.

He hated that piece of fabric way too much.

When he could finally see what her lack of sense of fashion was trying to hide, he became ravenous.

It was a good thing James was the one to cast the levicorpus spell, because Sirius would have been way too hypnotised by those thighs to think about anything else.

How could anyone have such a tempting pair of legs?

How could anyone like her have such an inviting figure and hide it from him ?

It must be a crime, a serious violation of the law to be like that and not to show herself to him.

It angered him, how anyone else he desired could easily be charmed by him and yet she wouldn't bend to him.

But he would be lying if he said he actually tried to woo her into his bed. Because that was unthinkable, was it not? Snape and him? What a ridiculous thought.

She was an ugly unlovable witch with nothing else to offer than her intelligence. Nobody liked her but Lily, nobody wanted to be close to her, not even talk to her. She was always alone and he knew she envied him for always being surrounded by his mates.

She was an outcast, a loser and an envious bitch. 

Then why couldn’t he take her out of his mind?

Why when he dreamed at night the same image would present in front of him since he was a brat of eleven years old? 

Why would those black eyes follow him and surround him with their deepness?

The fantasy that accompanied him in the night would shapeshift within the years. At the beginning it was just her crying, begging him to ease her pain with soft kisses or just asking him to make her smile. But then, and as they were getting older, her pleas became of a different kind.

It shouldn’t have surprised him, he had been fantasising about her for years and years, but when she showed up in his dreams, with nothing but a translucent blouse and pink cheeks he lost it.

The day after that first sensual image presented in his dreams, he would tell her about Remus' secret. She had been particularly annoying that day, but it might have felt that way because every time he looked in her direction he remembered the dirty things they’d done in his mind.

It was her fault, not his. So it was just as fine to punish her for it.

As his fantasies became more and more carnal he grew more angry at her.

One time he even believed that she had poisoned him in some sort of way. Maybe some type of old potion of lust that she managed to drug him with.

If not, why does his mind keep imagining those things every single night? Why would someone like him, a lad who could have any girl he wanted would be lusting after some chick who looked like that ?

It made no sense. He made no sense.

Even though his mind and his body urged him to, he never dwell on the meaning of all of it.

It wasn’t until Regulus paid too much attention to her that he started to get anxious.

His little brother would follow her around, would carry her books, her old looking bag, he would be all smiles to her.

He tried not to pay any mind to it, it wasn’t his business, yet when asked, Regulus would never give him a direct answer about his apparent wonder for the slytherin.

He didn’t ponder over it, or at least he tried not to. He had other things to focus on after all.

He decided to not do anything more than the usual, to pick on Snape when she was alone, to follow her around when his friends were in classes he did not share with them; the usual.

Until this day, Sirius doesn’t know why that specific moment made him lose his wits, but it did, and that is what it matters.

He had been pacing around the castle in the afternoon, making some time before quidditch practice, and from the third floor he had a specially good view of the yard, and they were there, the little couple was hanging around on the grass. Snape and Reg were alone under a tree, she was sound asleep and using her bag as a pillow, Regulus did nothing untoward, only caressed her cheek in a soft manner.

But Sirius saw red, he got angrier than ever. Why?- The hell if he knows.

The next day he would tell Prongs about something related to Lily, of how Snape said a thing on the lines of “Lily would never date a dunderhead like Potter” it wasn’t a lie, she had said that, but weeks prior.

Then they came with the idea.

Sirius wasn’t proud of his doings, but he regretted nothing.

Not when the outcome was to see a peek of what he had been starving for for years.

He only regretted not being there when she came out of the lake with her blouse entirely soaked.

But then Regulus started dating her.

It felt like betrayal, even if it couldn’t be further from it.

And the night of the last Yule ball, when her silky hair moved as she danced around and her narrow hips swayed at the rhythm of the music, he felt desperate in a way he hadn’t known before.

He had been hungry for her since he had laid his eyes upon her, he had lusted for her since his body developed enough to have such thoughts, yet now he felt a hole inside his chest like he never had before, and the pain only increased as he saw her laugh happily on the arms of his brother.

He calmed down after Hogwarts, the yearning was there but not as strong, he still dreamt of her but he wasn’t able to follow her around. It was good, he would overcome it.

But then her mother showed up and his anxiousness became worse.

Because he didn’t know where she was nor with whom. Lily’s nerves appeared to be the same, not focusing on the plans on her wedding and keeping it a secret from James.

For two months she sent her letters and no response came, every owl would come back with its message untouched. Then Sirius tried, with the same outcome

Lily asked Remus to try and locate her, because maybe she only blocked the ones who damaged her in some sort of way. Remus wasn’t so certain he didn’t meet the requirements to be in the same category, but did it anyway. He was the one they both trusted, James was out of question and Peter was… Peter wouldn’t understand. But Lily didn’t understand his participation either, he himself didn’t either.

“Had you written to Regulus?” Remus asked one afternoon in Lily's kitchen, they met there every couple of days to catch on. It was during James’ working hours and before the Order’s meetings.

“Why-? No, I haven’t. Why should I?” 

Remus' confused expression perturbed him, “Because, your brother, as far as we know, is Selene’s partner?”

“It’s unlikely that she is with him, he went back to Hogwarts last month and my parents would never let her stay with them” Sirius had been smoking a cigarette, and with his questions he became more anxious, quickly finishing one just to light another.

“Still, we have been trying unsuccessfully and maybe he knows something-”

“Moony, I’m not gonna bother my brother in his last year just because Snape doesn’t get along with her parents. He has way too much to focus on and-” He was lying, it wasn’t because of that but the rest didn’t need to know. He was afraid their relationship only grew stronger with each passing day.

Lily intervened “As much as I don’t want to ask your brother about this, at least he should be able to know if she’s alright. She might not be staying with him but he might know where she is”

“They probably broken up by now”

“Why would you say that?”

Sirius raised his shoulders “Just a hunch”.

He did write him a letter, a short one without much information in it. Just asking him if he knew where Selene was because Lily wanted to know.

An answer came quicker than he or anyone else expected, just a day after their last encounter. The response was as short as the question.

She’s safe.

Sirius knew Regulus wouldn’t lie to him even if they weren’t on good terms, and knowing he knew where she was just meant they continued together. He hadn’t wanted to have an assurance of that fact.

Lily wasn’t pleased but guessed she had to let Selene’s mother know, and they went to her house.

Sirius expected a lot of things from Snape that didn’t come true in the end. He believed her to be a pureblood given her abilities with magic the first time they met, and because of that aura of superiority she carried with her; he was obviously mistaken.

It wasn’t quite difficult to figure out, since the surname “Snape” wasn’t largely known as a pure blood breed, but he had guessed she might be from a family he hadn’t been related to, until Lily opened up her mouth.

He also expected her to smell awful, given her greasy looking hair, but no, she smelled like freshly cut lavender.

He also never expected her to live in such a horrible looking house, neither such a small place.

Her neighbourhood had a disgusting smell and he saw more than one junky on the nearby houses. And outside her house a putrid smell of rotten meat plagued his senses.

“What the hell smells like that?” He wasn't the only one who noticed it, since Remus was covering his nose with his sweater.

Lily wasn’t that affected by it, probably because her senses weren’t as developed as theirs.

She knocked on the door once, then twice and on the third Sirius got exasperated and pushed the door open.

Another thing he never expected of Selene Snape is encountering the rotten bodies of her parents on the floor when invading her house.

Chapter Text

December, 1978

Regulus was someone proud, as a slytherin and as a Black he never let anyone know his feelings, his emotions were his and nobody else's. They had no business trying to discover his many layers.

Except, of course, one person.

“Regulus?” Selene’s soft spoken voice reached through him, the reverberation of the sound echoed on his insides, making him shiver. She’d been asleep just now, when he stepped out of their shared bed to open the drapes. 

The moon shone bright in the sky and its light caressed the snow on the earth. The soft moonlight illuminated the room and her, her cream coloured nightgown sparked with the light, as the pale skin of her arms and legs did, exceptional contrast with the unlighted room. He took notice of her bare thighs, her messy hair. 

Her fair complexion being opposite of that silky hair, such a delightful sight, it was just as admiring the full moon in the night sky.

It wasn’t a particularly cold night, but it was December, the chill was enough to get into one’s bones, and they had turned off the chimney before falling asleep. Well- before Selene fell asleep, he wasn’t capable of it.

He hadn’t told her the reason yet and she managed to figure it out either way.

He didn’t want to beg her to keep candles lit or the chimney on, he feared it would come out as a childish request.

Which seventeen year old feared the dark but him? He couldn’t stand it, and he despised himself because of it.

He had opened the curtains to see the light, to let it enter and refrain his beating heart from escaping from his chest.

He had tried, desperately, to refrain from giving in. To control his emotions and avoid the anxiousness from raising to his chest. Regulus didn’t know for how long he had been laying down in bed, eyes wide open in the dark, hand pressed against his mouth. He could do it, he would handle it, he was a man, a man did not fear the dark. A man did not wake up his lover at midnight because he desperately needed to see the light, because a man was not terrified of the shadows in the dark, nor did he care of the imaginary hands pulling him down. But they did, they frightened him as nothing else could.

He had been in bed, right next to Selene and still couldn’t calm himself- The darkness filled his eyes and he could see nothing but black. Such an irony, to be so fearful of his own name.

But now, as he stood next to the gigantic window on Selene’s room on Malfoy Manor, as the moon shone brightly into the room and the tender caresses of Selene softened his tension, Regulus knew it;  all will be well.

Selene hugged him and led him into her chest. Her hands making small gestures around his back, up and down in slow motion. With a quick flick of her hand she lit the candles and the room was again fully illuminated. Not with the cold luminescence of the blue moon, but with the warm glow of a tender lover.

Regulus remembered sadly how he was supposed to be there for just one week. From the two weeks of the winter holidays he had managed to manipulate his parents into giving him permission to visit his dearest cousin Narcissa and his beloved Selene, the latest not so beloved by his own family, yet he couldn’t care less.

As he hugged Selene back, he wondered, not for the first time, how could he abandon such a calming place. 

The strong smell of lavender filling his nose thrills, and her gentle touch drove him to a world of pure serenity. A calmness he had never felt before meeting her, and that he only obtained when being close to her. 

After a moment, having calmed down his troubled mind, he realised how he had his arms tightly around her waist, and his head in the precise position to devise her bosom under her nightdress. How many chances such as this would he have in his life?

He went straight into a desperate kiss.

In that moment he was more like a dog in a rut than a man, more desire than thinking, more difficult breathings than talking. She accepted him without refrain, answered his prayers with mad sensuality. Regulus grabbed her bottom, then her almost nonexistent chest and went back again to her tights. He was craving, thirsting for her. For so many months they hadn’t seen each other and the moment they laid eyes on each other they knew why their hearts felt so forlorn in that period of time.

It wasn’t just him, she was aching for him just as much. For that act of pleasure that terrified her so much in the past, now she needed it.

Because it was with him.

Regulus remembered how adamant Narcissa was in prohibiting them to sleep in the same bed under her roof, and how Lucius had interjected for her to be such a prude.

He could have kissed him in gratitude.

It was a full mess but they did not care.

It was their first time of many to come.

It was love.

—

“What happened to you that made you so terrified of the dark?”

They were lying on the bed after, and there was no escape now to answer the difficult question.

“It’s not a really cute story to tell”

“Just tell me”

It was years ago, long before he entered Hogwarts, long before he met Selene.

It changed something within him.

He did not recall the reason why, but they were staying for a week at Narcissa’s family home.

He and Sirius spent their time together, playing around and joking. They were five and six years old, nothing plagued their minds, no responsibility, no blood purity, nothing.

Their only worry was to avoid their mother at all times, because mother often got angry by tiny little things- One time she slapped Sirius on the face because his shoe was untied, on another occasion she chastised Regulus because his hair was unruly “But our hair is like that!” Sirius exclaimed that time and he got punished for speaking back.

Regulus never got punished because he cowardly hid behind his older brother.

It was their way of navigating their family, their life.

Sirius would defend Regulus and himself, and would be punished because of it, while Regulus tried desperately to be everything their parents wanted them to be. 

Because if he was perfect then they wouldn’t punish Sirius that much.

That’s why it was specially freeing to be in this other house, because Walburga would refrain from punishing her children on plain sight, Narcissa’s mother, Druella Black neé Rosier, did not agree with that type of chastisement, Wallburga avoided conflict with her.

And both boys knew that, they felt free for the first time in months.

Knowing that their parents would be too occupied with the other adults to take notice of their whereabouts, Sirius and Regulus used their time to play as much as they could, they explored the gardens, played under the stairs, and would scream with all the power their lungs gave them when they were far enough from the adults to not hear them.

It was a delight.

The most happy days of Regulus’ infancy until everything became tainted with black.

It was just an accident, but Walburga did not care about such things.

It was habitual in high class families like theirs to dine without their children. Being Sirius and Regulus too young, they were served in the nursery while their parents would dine in the dining room.

But there was some kind of celebration, something Regulus didn’t recall, he only remembered it was important, and they must be there too.

All of them would gather around a cauldron and something was thrown into the boiling water.

Green smoke came from it covering them all.

“In this way we are all connected, as a family” Regulus remembered his father saying out loud. Smiles on everyones’ faces, rose cheeks of excitement. Years later Regulus would know about what happened that time. It was an ancient ritual that made family members feel more connected to each other. With it, everyone at present would know if the other was safe, and would feel exactly the moment when one of the family members passed away.

It was a strange thing, but something to expect from his family.

When the ritual was completed the supper was served, there was an strange aura in the room, happiness they never felt exuded from the older members of the family. Orion and Walburga were pleased, the latter even caressed Sirius and Regulus’ cheeks. But she was not accustomed to giving those types of signs of affection; it came almost as a soft slap on the children’s face.

Taken aback by her own inexperience, she distanced once again from her boys until they were prepared to eat.

The table was long, long enough for all of the family to sit comfortably.

The younger members sat on the right end of the table while the oldest on the left side, to illustrate a line of time, how the time passed and who were the most important ones.

Everything was joyful, the family talked with glee, all smiles and laughter. Until Sirius dropped a glass of water accidentally over the tablecloth.

Walburga lost it, Orion looked at him with disdain and disappointment mixed together.

They took him to the nearest room and they did not care about putting a silenced spell. Sirius screams were audible over the distance.

Not even Druella Black defended him in that moment, because in the Black’s eyes, Sirius had tainted a sacred family moment. They did not care about the child's suffering, and they resumed their meal without care on the pleas that could be heard from afar.

Regulus' little hand squeezed the spoon he’d been holding, he was so angry he could scream. But a dainty hand was placed upon his. Andromeda looked at him with a worried gaze, begging him to refrain from doing anything; he understood.

Narcissa next to her looked at him with a panicked expression and Bellatrix, who was seated in front of them, only smirked.

Thanks to his cousins, Regulus' mind understood at the ripe age of five an important lesson.

No one is going to sacrifice their life for yours.

So he kept quiet as his brother’s screams echoed in the house.

Sirius' punishment, besides what had occurred during supper, was to be forbidden to wonder about, he would stay in the nursery where he and Regulus stayed as long as his parents decided.

This sort of trip was going to last a week, and still had three days left.

On the first day, Regulus stayed with Sirius all day long, treating his injuries with nothing but love, he still had not shown control of his magic, being so young as he was, he was only able to move little things every once in a while.

On the second day, Sirius asked the domestic elf if he could have some biscuits, as one could expect, they were denied.

So Regulus did one of the bravest things he’d ever done, he would steal some cookies from the kitchens to give them to his older brother.

So he did it, he snuck into the kitchens and when he was discovered by a domestic elf, he played dumb, pretending to be lost after he just wanted something sweet to eat. The domestic elf obliged, having been told he was forbidden to give anything to the older Black brother, not the youngest.

Regulus was over the moon, so happy having succeeded on his mission, he climbed the stairs as quickly as he could to get to the nursery, only to be stopped by his cousin.

Bellatrix stood on the beginning of the second floor, the smirk on her face gave away her impure intentions, but Regulus was just a child and couldn’t read people as well as he did in the present.

“Have you gone lost, little pup?”

Regulus hid the little bag of biscuits between the folders of his clothes, he then thought it was the greatest idea in the world, but for anyone who saw him, it was obvious he had something inside his shirt.

“No, I’m going back to my room. I was playing downstairs.” He was a quick liar, but not a smart one yet.

Bellatrix laughed, charmed by the boy. “Come, I need to show you something.”

The little boy knew it was a bad idea, Bella was the only cousin he did not like, because she was always laughing at them, she did not have that kind smile that reached Andromeda’s eyes, nor Narcissa’s worried gaze. Bellatrix was different and he knew it.

Yet he followed her, because he thought it was worse not to obey her.

How wrong he was.

Regulus wasn’t completely able to recall the whole thing, he guessed most of his memories were deleted by his own conscience. He did not remember what happened before, but remembered how she was sliding his trousers down, of how her hands were in the parts Kreacher told him to never let anyone touch.

She had grabbed him down there, in that delicate place, she squeezed him so tight he almost screamed. But instead he pushed her away.

Not by himself, his strength would’ve done nothing against her, but the unruled magic inside him took charge that time, and pushed her so hard she was thrown away to the other side of the room.

Not waiting for her to react, he put his clothing the best he could, the little bag of biscuits long forgotten on the floor of Bellatrix’s room.

He needed to escape from her, but she was faster and taller, ten years older than him. She grabbed her hand and forced him to walk over the third floor.

She opened a hidden wooden panel, a door on the wall and threw him inside. It was one of those closets to hide things from the external world.

She closed the door, a door that couldn’t be opened from the inside. Bellatrix kneeled and got closer to the wood panel, whispering “That would teach you to obey me.”

It was dark, all black. There was no light and Regulus was too small, too young to know how to conjure it.

He screamed and slammed the door, for someone to free him. He was scared, too scared.

The closet was small, way too small, he was barely able to stand, yet wasn’t able to stretch his arms.

Black was all he could see, silence was all he could hear.

In the darkness he felt as if something was holding him down, as if some strange hands were holding him from his ankles to pull him down; down into the darkness.

He screamed, he begged Bellatrix to come back, he called for Sirius, for Kreacher, even for his parents but nobody could hear in there. There must have been a spell on the cabinet, to refrain the world from entering.

Was he screaming now? Or was his voice too worn?

Was he dead? Were those hands imprisoning him real or just the frantic imagination of a scared child?

The hands were pulling him down, down, down. He felt them encircling his waist, grabbing his arms, his hands, his neck.

They were covering his mouth, is that why he couldn’t scream anymore?

They pulled him down, down, down.

Were they grabbing his hair now, that’s why it hurt so much?

They were covering his eyes, is that why he couldn’t see?

The dark plagued him, silenced him.

He could no longer scream, the tears kept falling from his eyes but he could talk no more.

His voice was strained, for how long had he screamed before?

He had given up when Sirius opened the door and the soft light of the early morning reached Regulus’ face, the boy felt he could live again. He cried desperately for hours to come, and refused to be separated from his brother. He wondered how he could continue crying after shedding so many tears. He should be drained by now.

Regulus was locked inside that cabinet for ten hours. It was only when Sirius noticed his prolonged absence that he went looking for him, not caring about the punishment. The older kid did wonder how terrified his younger brother was, considering the scratches on Regulus’ legs were made by him in his desperation.

The little boy hung from his older brother's neck, in a desperate attempt to feel connected to the real world, he would not dare to be distanced from his brother.

But Sirius did not care, if Regulus needed him he would be there, he hugged his little brother and sang him sweet lullabies. Even if he never knew why he was there in the first place he would cuddle him and calm him, if Regulus needed someone to cling on he would be there.

Just as Selene was now, holding the crying body of her beloved. Caressing his hair, whispering sweet sounds of comfort.

Because he broke at the end of the story, because it was too much for his five year old self and for the almost adult he was now.

Chapter Text

November, 1978

There were many things Regulus was certain in life.

He knew that the role of the Black heir was a difficult one and that it laid in his shoulders since the day Sirius decided to leave him to go live with Potter. He knew that his parents cared about them, and that in their hideous hearts they believed they loved their children, even after all they forced them to endure.

And he knew that besides Kreacher, the only person who actually cared about him in his entirety, not only by his title of what he may become, but about him as a person, was Selene. In other times he would have said that that title belonged to his brother, long gone were those fantasies.

He also knew that he had killed the only family of the woman he loved, and as ridiculous as the fact was, that same woman also loved him back. But love was not unconditional, he knew that.

He hadn’t dared to tell her, he was certain of her love for him yet her reaction to the news terrified him to death.

As much as she loved him, could she forgive him? Selene had never been a forgiving person, with the sole exception of Evans, he couldn’t recall any moment that she hadn’t held a grudge to the ones who wronged her.

Could he also be an exception to that rule?

He didn’t know. His sins were too sinister to ask for forgiveness.

Yet, one thing he couldn’t understand for the life of him was the silence of the Dark Lord about what happened. He had maintained quiet from that day, months passed since, yet it made no sense that he made him do that and then never act upon it.

Regulus tried to ignore what he’d done, but it came back to him to slap him right on the face.

“We went to Snape’s house” Sirius spilled out after several minutes of uncomfortable silence. He had travelled to Hogsmeade the exact same day Regulus was meant to go to  the small town. He doubted it was a coincidence.

They met on the road and his older brother asked him to accompany him. He just complied.

“May I ask why?”

After a meditative silence he answered “Her mum showed up on Lily’s doorstep one night, and it freaked her out a little. So we sent some letters to her to check if she was alright, she never replied.” Sirius tone was uninterested, yet Regulus knew his brother, the crease in his brow deepened whilst talking about it, and he started to play with the dessert in front of him, something made of chocolate.“That’s why I wrote to you”

“Ah.” He hadn’t known the reason, yet assumed it was because of Evans. However the whole picture started to make him uncomfortable, his right leg started bouncing under the table, once he noticed it he dug his nails into his thigh, the light fabric of his trousers barely contained the gesture, and the pain made him focus.

“They were killed”

“Who was?”

“Snape’s parents.” His eyes became distant, pained. “We were the ones to discover the bodies, it was such a mess.”

Regulus inhaled, nervous. His reaction could be mistaken as the horrific realisation of someone’s death. Sirius looked ashamed, for what? he couldn’t tell.“What did you do?”

“We called Dumbledore, and he told us he would handle it. But I guess they have no idea who did it since he hadn’t updated us on it. I don’t think the magic world is too interested in the death of two unknown muggles.”

He gulped, uncomfortable. He didn’t know if it was correct feeling relief under such terrible news. But it meant they weren’t searching for him. How long until Selene realises the death of her parents? How long until she ties the unravelled knots and comes to the conclusion of his involvement in it? She would be mad, awfully so. Would she be mad because of his doings or because he didn’t confess to her? “Why are you telling me this?”

“Lily asked me to. She wants for you to tell Snape what happened, and if she could, you know, write to her. She really misses her.”

A scream died on his throat.

Certainly not.

One of the things that scared him the most was Selene’s relationship with Lily Evans. It was too powerful, too deep for him or anyone else to understand. Selene would never forsake Evans, no matter what she would have done. She held such a profound place in her heart that Regulus feared nothing she'd ever feel for him would ever compare it.

That’s why he had intervened, that’s why he made sure for them to stay apart. For every longing gaze directed towards his Selene he’ll get in the way, for every attempt for them to talk he would make sure for it to be impossible. That’s why he had intercepted Evan’s letters.

Selene believed herself abandoned by her friend, yet he knew that if she were given barely an ounce of affection she'd run back into Evans.

And now they knew what had been tormenting him, what he most desperately needed to hide from his lover.

How could he let it be? To let them reconcile and then forsake him?

“I’ll tell her”

“Good. Thank you, Reggy” His smile was genuine, years went by without seeing such a visage on Sirius’ face directed to him, it did not last, soon the wide smile became suspicious, a frown forming between his eyes. They had never looked the same, they could be mistaken from afar, but once anyone would face them, the difference between each was evident. Regulus was always shorter, smaller in so many ways that didn’t encircle only the physical world. He had always been the coward between the two, the ugly one, the not so sharp one, the one to defend and couldn’t defend himself, but those eyes on Sirius face were exactly the same as his, the exact same colour, the same shape. They could be mistaken, Regulus wouldn't even distinguish his eyes from Sirius’ if they were told to do so. “How did your letters reach her but not ours?” Sirius’ raspy voice was filled with confusion, not accusation yet Regulus, as paranoid as he felt, did not take it lightly. It would have been a mistake to respond, he’ll talk too much trying to defend himself. He took a sip of the unsweetened tea he was holding, often sugar ruined the true taste of things. “You’re not going to tell me where she is?”

The sound of the cup meeting the plate resonated through the room, there weren’t many people on the Three Broomsticks, way too early for anyone but the usual alcoholics to come to drink, and most of the students were still buying stuff from the other places, not stopping for an appetiser just yet. “Good guess… It’s not my decision to make. If Selene wants to continue hidden from all of you, so be it.”

“You know Lily means no harm.”

“And what about you? Why are you so involved in all of this?”

The frown on Sirius’ brows became deeper, his face contouring in a way that he appeared way too similar to their mother when she was mad about something, anything. “Lily asked me to”

“Is that all there is?”

“What else would it be?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t understand what you are insinuating.” But he did, Sirius was never great hiding his emotions, not even if he tried not to show them. He avoided his eyes, looking outside through the window, a couple of young students passed by screaming and laughing their cheeks red in excitement. Just as red as Sirius' cheeks turned to. 

“Nothing, I just want you to tell me the truth”

“What truth?” He became angry again, holding the handle of the glass tightly. “I mean no harm to Snape! Don’t you trust me?”

“How could I? You abandoned me.” His words escaped from his mouth before he had the chance to shut himself. Ashamed Regulus looked away.

“I didn’t! That poor excuse we have for a mother kicked me out!”

“She had her reasons to!”

“And do you agree with her?”

“Of course not! But you could endure them! You left me alone because you wanted an easy life with Potter! You abandoned me, Sirius! You abandoned your brother!” “And then you paraded around Oh so happily with him, calling him your brother! You already had one. You had me!” “I’m sorry I was not enough for you to stay.”

Regulus was leaving, crossing the door when Sirius' voice stopped him in his tracks.

“That’s why you pursued her?” His voice was soft, barely above a whisper, yet it reached him. The few clientele in the premise fell silent as their discussion began, Regulus didn’t worry about them, nor did Sirius. They were just drunks anyway.

“What?”

“That’s why you went after her, because you wanted revenge on me?”b 

Regulus wanted to laugh, desperately, how ridiculous that notion was? Has anyone ever going to believe his feelings for his Selene? First his parents, thinking she had trapped him in some way, then Lucius, who believed Regulus only had her around because it was convenient, next Narcissa, who concluded on her own that Selene was nothing but his concubine. And now Sirius, who in his own delusion deemed his brother’s feelings fake and his actions pursuing only to cause him pain. Had he no free will for them? “Not everything revolves around you, Sirius. My feelings for Selene were always there.” “Me being able to understand my emotions had nothing to do with you rejecting yours.”

—

June, 1979

While the Dark Lord carried his always charming smiles, smiles that never reach his eyes, the serpent on his side maintained her cold demeanour to anyone who dared to stand close to her. She didn’t even change her stone-like gaze when looking back at her master, surprisingly so, he did change the gleam in his eyes when looking at her.

Regulus didn’t dare to say a thing about his arm around her waist, not a single comment on the way he was parading her around like a golden prize. All proud and tall showing off his newest acquisition, a beautiful young woman in a black gown, her slim waist surrounded by his arm, fingers tightly clutched on the narrow bone of her hip.

He did not feel jealousy, that Selene Snape Voldemort was so blissfully holding was not his Selene.

This was the shell, the armour she used to endure such situations, this was not the Selene who smiled gleefully just at the sight of him, the one who’s cheeks would colour in pink when called beautiful, nor the one who looked at him straight into the eyes to make any mundane comment, the one who laughed at his poor Dumbledore’s imitation. 

This was not her, and he could never have her.

Yet he was scared.

That type of attention was nothing but undesirable, because he knew what it meant; everyone at present knew what it meant. Evan Rosier gave him a condescending smile from afar, it burned his insides.

The dark lord desired her, if not carnally then her usefulness is what drove him.

And the man who did not believe himself a man, alarmed him.

But that was just an awful memory of what both had endured during the Yule celebration, mere days after their lovely encounters.

Regulus was visiting Hogsmeade, alone. He had long distanced himself from his classmates. He did not enjoy these outings, he did not enjoy Hogwarts at all. At least, not anymore.

How joyous times he spent at the side of Selene, convincing her to let him buy her things, to walk around the stores, to have that awful tasting beer Sirius loved so much.

Those were their dates, how nostalgic they seemed now.

It became harder and harder to enjoy anything with her absence so present. To not be able to extend his hand and caress her palm, to turn his head and not see those pretty eyes she had, that silky hair that when around him she carried it up. For so long she covered herself with it, but in those jolly days they spent next to each other she didn’t feel the need to.

She gave in to him, completely.

And now, all felt like emptiness without her.

How many months had passed since he had last seen her? Way too much. 

In a week it’ll be his birthday. Another occasion to be without her.

July, 1979

That porcelain flesh.

He’d become obsessed with her, with the way she walked, how her stern hips balanced around with an Oh so subtle motion. With the way her hair fell down her face, keeping it covered from outsiders, of how her slim hands didn’t hesitate when cutting anything, or the way her eyes seemed to drown him in them.

But he was more enthralled by her sweet indisposition to him.

She never gave in, no matter how terrified he made her, she never showed it.

He imagined it was because of her upbringing, it did not care now. Now it was for him.

She did not hesitate to avoid his contact, to distance herself from him at his mere presence. It made him ravenous. 

He liked observing her while she worked, always so focused on the tasks at hand that she paid no mind to the older man next to her. If he dared to touch her there, in the nape of her neck whilst she tilted her head forward to look into the cauldron she would even dare to smack his hand away. 

“Please do not distract me, my lord” Would be all she’ll say.

And he’ll laugh it off. Truly she was hilarious.

If it were anyone but her they’d be already dead.

But this was Selene. His precious Selene.

At the beginning, many months ago, his interest for the young girl appeared to be only because of her brilliance. She prepared potions and elixirs with impeccable haste, improved the potions and even created some.

Thanks to her, the wolfsbane potion had become a complete success and the possibility of recruiting werewolves all across the world had become a success. 

Domocles Belby took his time in completing the right recipe, his life went by with his incompetence.

Her brilliance stirred something within him, that only fuelled when he laid his eyes into hers.

He was an extremely occupied man, yet in his free time he spent it patronising her. And yet, he knew it wasn’t just because of her brilliance, yes- She had become vital for him, for his goal, but it was because of the resemblance of himself he saw on her, the same type of superior talent trapped in a life of misery. But he had something she had not, she lacked the social skill he so obviously excelled at. He’ll teach her, he didn’t mind.

He had been so enthralled by her company, that he almost forgot about the young pup following her around. So, it came as a surprise when the youngest Black appeared on his door to ask for her hand in marriage. Not because he believed the child did not have feelings for her anymore, but because he guessed the young Black would be smart enough to retrieve his conviction and depart from her life. Apparently he had overestimated his intelligence.

Orion Black decided to speak directly to the Dark Lord in order to make his son come back to his senses. 

As Regulus expected, his parents were not the most enthusiastic when he told them about maintaining his relationship with Selene. However, they did not force him to abandon his lineage as they did with Sirius when he left their home, even if Regulus’ “crime” was much worse in the eyes of pure-blooded families. The reason behind it probably was the knowledge of Selene’s current position in the ranks of lord Voldemort. 

Nevertheless, Regulus was completely aware that his father’s decision to search for his commander’s opinion on the subject was not actually his. Lord Voldemort must have implanted the idea in Orion’s soft mind. 

The man’s attention on his soon to be spouse only angered him. Even if Regulus considered himself a pacific man, the type of man who values logic and sense over violent impulses, every time his eyes laid upon the other man’s face, he wanted to punch him. The urge was almost unbearable at times, to the point his hands vibrated in expectation.

And this time was no different. 

He guessed he was more alike to Sirius than he ever expected.

Now, his fists grew warm as he entered his Lord’s office. 

An obnoxious expression was painted on the man’s face. His cousin Bella would call it “charming”, Regulus considered it revolting. That smile he wore had a single purpose, to disarm anyone who dared to be in his presence. To reassure his superiority as the incomparable Dark Lord, the one no one could rise a word against. 

“Ah! Orion! Good morning, I have to admit that I expected you to be here sooner” His melodic voice did not hide his disgust for the pair being late, and they noticed it.

“Forgive me, my lord. We had some issues with my wife and-

“No need to excuse yourself. Tell me what you came to say”.

“Ah! Yes.” Orion cleared his throat before speaking “I wanted to consult you directly about an important problem in my family.” Orion Black straightened, trying to look composed; his face covered in sweat was not helpful. “You see… My son here is in that age of revelry, he does not want to listen to us when it comes to important business, that is the reason why he betrothed himself to a woman we are not pleased with… My intention today is for you to talk to him, so he can regain some sense”.

The lord’s eyes were fixed on Regulus’. His intense gaze caused the young man’s insides to revolve restlessly. 

“Who is this woman?”

He dared to ask as he wouldn’t already know.

“Your potion mistress, sir. Selene Snape” Regulus answered without hesitation.

“Ah, Miss Snape” He grinned and put his index finger over his lips as if pondering on the implications this union could have. However, Regulus knew it was just an act.  “If I am honest with you, Orion. I do not consider Miss Snape to be an issue at all. She might be one of the most important members of our… Society”.

“My lord, I- I do not intend to contradict you, but- Half-bloods, as smart and attractive as they could be, are not wife material, I mean- I would not mind if Regulus use her as his side- As his mistress. But a wife is something completely different”.

If Lord Voldemort wanted to hide his disgust for the man’s words he completely failed. A scowl presented between his thick brows, and he looked at the head of the Black family like he was a drunk, hideous being, an useless worm that believed itself more capable than it was.

His expression did not change when he started to speak “Maybe you see this union as disadvantageous considering the lady’s ‘condition’, but if it helps to ease your mind, I must inform you that Miss Snape is one of the remaining members of the Prince family, an ancient pure-blood family, if you are not aware about their existence. It might elevate your son’s reputation, considering that his position as heir could easily be broken if your runaway son ever returns to you.” His hand pointed at Regulus and his voice was filled with mockery, as he treating Orion as if he were no smarter than a child “Although, I am deeply concerned about the lack of thought you gave to this matter, I always assumed you were smart enough to see an alliance when it was within your reach- I might have overestimated you… What a pity”.The man stood up from his chair, he hid his arms behind his back as he started to walk around. “I give your son my blessing to marry Selene Snape. I will also be entitled to favour him over the rest after the wedding is celebrated.” He turned around, facing the large window placed in his studio “You are dismissed now”.

Father and son started to depart from the room but were quickly stopped by the lord’s words “Young Regulus, stay. I need to discuss something else with you”.

Orion Black did not doubt in leaving his son alone with their master, he already angered him this day, another imposition could be tempting fate.

“My lord” Regulus greeted.

The older man did not turn to look at him for a long moment. “I presume that you are aware of how fond of your fiancé I am” He did not wait for an answer, but Regulus inclined his head in response even if the man wasn’t looking at him. “Then you must know how disappointed I was when I discovered that my dear Selene was betrothed to another… So much talent wasted, why do women feel the need to engage to the first man that approaches them? It will always be beyond my comprehension. “He then turned around, a mocking smile planted on his lips, his amusement reached his eyes. “Either way, I must ask you. What is the reason why you decided to choose a poor half-blood as your partner?”

It was a trick, he knew. What answer did the man want? The truth? The truth is that he loved her, desperately so, yet the future with her seemed so uncertain, so far out of his reach that in his wretched desperation he even asked the monster in front of him for the opportunity of a life with her. His parents will never allow it, and Selene would resent herself for separating him from them. The least he wanted was for her to feel forlorn just by staying with him.

But could he tell him that? To open his heart so freely to a sadist such as this? No, he would never allow him to have that much power.

“Selene and I have known each other since my first day at Hogwarts. Since then she took me under her wing and took care of me. I do not wish to marry a cousin I despise, and I do not intend to marry someone who I barely know and probably will hate. Selene is a smart and funny woman, and as friends any type of relationship further that would be pleasant. When I asked for her hand in marriage I only did it to arrange my future in the most suitable way for myself”.

The lord’s smile widened, and Regulus knew he made a mistake. “I am glad you answered so honestly, young Regulus.” He licked his lips, as he was savouring something.

Regulus started to tremble, he felt as if he was just punched in his belly, the bile threatened to escape his throat. 

“Given your insight on the matter, young Black. I would like to make a proposal to you” The man’s eyes were sparkling, filled with excitement. “If I were to give you my blessing, I would like something in return, after all, what is more valuable than ‘a suitable future’? You will have my blessing? Yes. But after the wedding, the very night of it, you are to let me consummate your marriage. A droit du seigneur you could call it.” Brown eyes met grey, he waited for a rebellious act, for Regulus to challenge him, or his complete submission. Regulus could not sort if his master words were for him alone, for the man’s obsession for his betrothed, or if there was more behind it. “Do we have an agreement, Regulus?” For the first time on the day he called him by his name, only to prove the power he bestowed upon it.

The mere thought of him laying a hand upon Selene’s skin sickened him, making his insides tremble. Cold sweat ran down his spine, yet his face gave no sign of distress. 

‘Slytherin to the bone’ Sirius used to call him; Regulus never felt more grateful for his brother being correct. 

The dark lord extended his hand to him, and the younger man did not hesitate. They shook hands as if their agreement were no more than mundane.

The older man could not hold the smirk claiming his face. As ridiculous as it might sound, or maybe not so much given the situation, Regulus thought that that was the look of a man who had just conquered the world.

As soon as he left the room, Regulus vomited. He felt so sickened that even throwing all his insides to the big carpet crossing the hall he did not feel relief. 

With a quick flick of his hand, he cleaned his own mess and flew away. 

He strongly believed that being surrounded by Selene’s arms would make him feel better, she, with her soft and deep voice, would fade away all his worries. But how could he? How could he ever face her again after what he just agreed to?

Chapter Text

They had to run, pack everything they could and fly away.

In his despair he did not think about a thing, not about his family, nor about their alliances, his only focus was her.

He needed to take her somewhere safe, far away from him . Far away from their master.

But what if he decides to follow them?

He hadn’t shown that type of interest in anyone before, not even to Bellatrix, and everyone, including her husband noticed how enamoured with him she was. His interest in Selene was something frightening, a maddening emotion who could drive any man mad. And certainly the dark lord was too bewitched with her by now.

Regulus understood his reasonings, his manipulation.

He wanted to weaken Selene’s image of him, to show her how weak her fiancé was, how unworthy of her he is.

And of course, how much better the dark lord would be.

He hadn’t understood it before, how imbecile he had been, it was obvious, even a fool would have understood it, yet it took that disgusting droit du seigneur clausule for him to fully comprehend his intentions. Killing off her parents was one thing, if he somehow could regain her favour from such a ruinous act, selling her off to their master would surely seal the deal. Even if she decided not to marry him, just the knowledge of their agreement would be enough for anyone to understand how powerless Regulus was, for her to understand how inadequate he is.

And if for some reason she did accept “the right of the lord” the outcome would only mean he would get what he wanted, what Lord Voldemort believed rightfully his.

To possess her body.

And Regulus feared that that wouldn’t be the end of it, he wouldn’t stop until possess her completely.

Because how could any man refrain from his desires, how could anyone abstain from possessing a young woman such as her. 

Selene was the type of woman people went to war for, they would sacrifice themselves, their lives, their families, their honour, only for the slim chance of her eyes meeting theirs.

And he was certain he would face all the darkness in this world just for the gentle touch of her lips over his.

“Master Regulus-?” Kreacher's trembling voice took him out of his pondering.

“Yes, Kreacher?” 

“Master Lucius Malfoy and Miss Cissy are looking for you, they arrived with that half-blood of them.” The disgust on the elf’s voice when referring to Selene was palpable, years and years of blood purity filled his brain with nonsense. Somehow, that’s what saddened Regulus the most, Kreacher had been a parent for him, the most important person in his upbringing, yet he could not pronounce Selene’s voice without disdain. It hurted more than his mother’s rejection.

He thanked the elf and quickly went after the guests, as he ran down the stairs he could not help but wonder the reason for their visit. He was about to go to them, to beg Selene’s forgiveness and tell her they must run away. But what if she was already informed about it?

With dreaded anticipation he opened the door of the drawing room and found them all three there. Cissy and Lucius sitting closely on the ottoman while Selene stood in the centre of the room facing them, back facing the door. Once the noise of the latch reached them Selene turned around to face him, her expression was nothing he had ever seen before.

She was ecstatic, smiling; a full on grin, her cheeks coloured pink. 

She even ran after him, just before jumping over to hug him. “You made it, Reg. We are going to marry.”

The hope in her voice broke his resolution, and it made it clear that she had not been informed of that .

As he held her in his arms and kissed her temple, Regulus saw his cousin’s eyes meeting his. Something akin to approval on her icy orbs. She had never liked Selene, always despised her presence, believing her a threat more than an ally, yet somehow now, seeing the younger woman’s reaction, she did see that the feelings for each other were truthful.

Ah, yes. He now had the approval of his family. But that meant nothing for him.

Too focused on his thoughts, he did not notice a subtle gesture of Selene’s hand over her belly, nor the knowing glance on Narcissa’s eyes.

He just needed to decide what to do now.

Call it destiny, fate, or just plain -bad- luck, but he did not have the need to ponder about what to do next, much less the chance to do so. The very next day, Voldemort would ask for Kreacher's services. 

The elf came back, battered, lacerated and dehydrated. He was talking nonsense and only called for him. “Ma-master Regulus, master Re-gu-lus, I came back, I came back just as you asked Kreacher to.” he would murmur to himself repeatedly.

The sight of him in such a condition hurted his heart, his mind and his ability to think. Kreacher, who had been his companion, his family, his sole guardian, on the edge of death because of the ambitions of a depraved man.

Regulus stayed awake during most part of the night, trying desperately to bring him back to his senses, and when the elf had apparently stopped his delusions the young wizard took care of the scratches on his skin, his swollen ankle and the big bruise on the side of his head.

When finished, Regulus cried, desperately, holding tightly the elf’s frame as if it was the last remaining of his lucidity.

How could anyone do such a thing to such a fragile creature? How could he allow the only being he actually considered his family to go with that vile monster?

Anger, desperation filled him, how many times he must be useless? How many times the lives, the honour, the dignity of the ones he loved would be put at risk because of his lack of power, his lack of determination, because of his cowardy.

O how many times he had wished to be more like his brother, yet never more than this time.

Because Sirius would care for nothing and would face everyone, would fight with nails and teeth all to ensure his loved ones to be safe.

Yet when Kreacher could finally tell him what happened to him, Regulus knew they had a chance.

Regulus had become distant, indecipherable for her.

He would always be occupied with something, studying something. He was a frantic man, always his mind somewhere else, whispering strange words for only him to hear.

Selene would ask him about it yet he would avoid the subject.

Her beloved Regulus, the one she always assumed she’ll always comprehend, was distancing himself from her, and the wedding was less than a month away.

The engagement had not been a long one, it was stated that the date would be on the 15th of January. It had not been her decision nor Regulus’, it was under the Dark Lord’s insistence that the wedding would be officiated on that exact date.

Her master explained his reasons, apparently he would be out of the country travelling soon “And I would dread to miss your special day” he whispered in her ear when she questioned the man about it. 

In all honesty, it suited her best. She still would not be showing when the day would come.

A wedding.

Her wedding.

She never deemed it possible, not to her. Because of her status, because of her lack of attractiveness, just because of who she was.

Since the day she started dating Regulus, she had accepted the fact he’ll have to marry another. Someone worthy of him in the eyes of society, on the eyes of his kin. An ice looking woman of pure blood, someone everyone respected, a woman she would never be. Selene had come to good terms with it, it took her a long time to do so, considering that was the reason for her never accepting his advances while they still were students.

She just expected he would keep her at his side.

As a friend, maybe as a mistress. Powerful men always had them, his father had several.

But no, in the end that was not her future.

Because she was not going to be his secret paramour, she was going to be his wife. Her bright future at his side.

What a wonderful thought.

“No, no! That’s wrong! The cut must be higher, just under her bosom.” Narcissa screamed at the woman that was adjusting the white fabric on her. Regulus insisted the dress must be made from scratch for her, and Narcissa took the lead on the way the dress must look like. How ridiculous, Narcissa Malfoy helping her with her wedding dress instead of Lily. It felt off to celebrate such an occasion without her.

But Lily already married Potter, and she didn’t even invite her. Not that Selene was waiting for an invitation either way.

Selene looked at herself in the full length mirror, not believing what her eyes were witnessing. She wanted to laugh at how stupid she was being, but only a dumb smile decorated her lips.

“You’re happy” The Malfoy woman spoke, watching her closely. Selene did not respond to her but by giving her a small nod. She smiled in return.

It was a strange sight on her, she tried to conceal her emotions as much as Selene did, yet failed miserably when having to refrain from looking terrified. More times than she cared to count, Narcissa’s true feelings showed up in public, especially when the Dark Lord decided to have fun with any of his disciples.

But yes, she was happy. And terrified at the same time.

Regulus’ silence displeased her, it made her nervous, uncertain.

Could it be that he was regretting his decision? 

Unconsciously she laid the palm of her right hand over her belly, a nervous gesture she came used to in the past weeks. Narcissa noticed this, commanded the woman sewing her dress to go away and fetch her something Selene could not understand.

“Why are you so scared then?” The blonde’s voice wasn’t judgmental, it came out as sweet and gentle, but Selene wouldn’t trust her sudden interest in her wellbeing.

It could be that she was trying to find some fault in her, to use it against her. Selene knew Narcissa was quite capable of it.

She did try to put her and her sister at arms length. They made her uneasy, worried about every step she took.

But mostly it was because of her hate towards Bellatrix. Her sole presence repulsed her, Oh how much she wanted to punch her in the face, to erase that hideous smile and pull her teeth out.

Narcissa only unsettled her, she understood her hatred towards her, her distrust. The blonde cared about Regulus and that’s what fuelled her animosity against her. And of course the fact Selene was living in her house with her husband could add arguments for hostility.

Yet now she was trying to be nice, for some unknown reason.

Selene decided that not responding was a better choice than telling her to mind her business, but the woman did not take it as an answer. “You believe he might be -as the americans say- getting cold feet?” Again, the younger woman did not respond, but her silence was understood by the other part. Gently, Narcissa held her forearm, in an unsure gesture of amability. “You need not to worry. Regulus loves you dearly. If not, he wouldn’t have gone over that length for your sake.”

It might have been the hormones, or just the kind reassuring words, but tears fell down Selene’s face without her being able to hold them, they just ran free from her eyes, as if all her emotions came undone on the spot. “Thank you” she whispered, the other only squeezed her arm softly in response.

“That’s why you haven’t told him?”

“Yes…”

Regulus distanced himself from her, too focused on his doings, he had not visited her in more than a week, and when she did visit him, in the slim chances she had, he would avoid her as the plague.

She had expected something else, another reaction, a way more enthusiastic fiancé, considering the lengths he had to go to achieve it.

And he was not the only one acting differently, the dark lord was also quite queer.

He had not been around often, as he told he was preparing a journey after the 20th of January, apparently just after her wedding, and being so close to the end of the year he had to make sure all the preparations were on point.

Still, he had changed, he refrained from touching her in the inappropriate ways he often did, he refrained from talking much, yet he carried a mocking sneer everytime he looked at her, as if containing himself to laugh at a particularly fun joke.

She was occupied too, the dark lord had commanded her to do so many potions and salves one could believe he was preparing to create his own hospital, St. Mungos be damned. Yet she made sure to visit Regulus, about a week before the 25th of December, days before the special soiree on Malfoy’s manor to celebrate Yule.

And he refused to see her.

“The master does not want to see your mudblood face.” Kreacher had said, poison in his voice. She knew the house elf despised him, he loaded her presence. Either because she was the constant threat of the chance of Regulus running away or because of her blood condition. Both options sounded truthful, it probably was both.

She ignored the elf, and went after Regulus either way, Kreacher was following her close behind, insulting her in various ways, trying to stop her. But he did not use magic on her, nor did he touch her, the latter most likely because of her aberrant condition, while Selene was quite sure Regulus asked him never to harm her in any way.

If not, the elf would have sent her away, and she did not want to think on which place she would arrive.

She opened the door of his room, she had been there before, several times he had snuck her when his parents were away.

His mother was not in the drawing room as she always did, she might be in the garden or out visiting one of the thousand relatives they had. His father did not seem to be in his office, she had not caught sight of him when passing it, it was most likely he’d be at his mistress’ as he often did, so she could strom inside without fear of being kicked out by anyone but Kreacher.

Regulus stood from his desk, frightened by his sudden entrance, piles and piles of paper and books laid on the table, on the bed and on the floor. His hair was in disarray and he looked like he hadn’t bathed in a couple of days. She wanted desperately to confront him, to make him face her, but what came out of her lips were only words of worry “Are you alright, Reggy?”

His surprised expression turned into a sorrowful visage, he gave Kreacher a small signal with his hand and the elf disappeared. He covered her mouth with the back of his tint stained hand. He did not cry, and she could see he was trying desperately not to.

She ran to him, and as he fell to his knees she slid down too, hugging his body against hers.

He was trembling, her hands were holding onto her desperately, as if she would disappear in an instant.

She held him down for several minutes, caressing his shoulders in an attempt to make him feel better. Whispering kind words in his ear.

He stopped trembling but didn’t let her go.

“What happened, love?”
She had such a sweet and gentle voice for him. Regulus never heard her speaking at anyone that softly, that delicately.

But he could not tell her the truth, she could not tell her what he had discovered, his ultimate discovery that would put an end to all their troubles if he succeeded. But it was too dangerous and uncertain.

It was better for her not to know.

She was about to speak again, to wonder about his frights, his worries, but he would not let her finish, first he would cover her mouth with his. 

When they first started dating and the kisses were clumsy and uncertain, Regulus had childishly thought that he would never be able to experience a nirvana such as that. 

But once again, he was mistaken, because every time her lips met his it was a new reset, a new feeling of pleasure, happiness and divine enchantment.

He could never get tired of it, as he caressed her lips with his tongue, when she bit his lower lip, when they sucked and licked at each other, and the simple chaste kisses were left behind to begin a round of passion and despair.

He could not tell which part of Selene’s body was his favourite. The crook of her neck, the arch of her nose, her collarbone, or the way her breast danced with her breathing. Could it be the curve of her hip bone? Or maybe her uneven teeth, perhaps her slim tights or her thick eyelashes.

Everything he loved, he caressed her up and down, his hands enjoying themselves with her bosom, his lips stopping happily between her legs.

Unleashed passion before the fall.

A week passed and the day when muggles celebrated Christmas came.

Regulus was nowhere to be found.

In a cold cavern over the sea he would breath his last breath, and the only creature to witness his passing ran away when he urged him to do so. 

As the inferi pulled his body down, his lungs filled with putrid water and the darkness he feared so much clouded his eyes, he wondered if with this Selene could finally be safe.

The kiss of death seemed particularly similar to the sweet caress of her lips.

Chapter Text

1979

The saloon was filled with death eaters, more than she even knew gathered all in there, in Lestrange’s Manor.

Voices mumbled around her, whispers filling the space, snarls directed towards her direction. She did not mind, why would she? None of them approved her presence, it seemed innocuous to beg for their approval when she already had the favour of everyone’s master.

She was above them all.

Long gone were those days when she cared about other people’s opinion.

She had Regulus on her side and her master watching over them.

Nothing could be better.

If only Regulus cared to arrive at the damn Christmass celebration.

He had been absent, numb even. His apparent indifference was getting the better of her, the O so calm Selene Snape woke up every day with a hole in her chest, wondering with a dejected spirit if he had regretted his decision. If any day now he was going to back away completely from her.

She tried not to think that way, to believe firmly that if he had not been willing to marry her he had never even tried to get Lord Voldemort’s approval.

But his actions told another tale.

It was so strange, she could not fathom the meaning of his doings, one week when was distant, cold and irritated, and then, another days, just like this day early in the morning he would be so soft and gentle, he would shower her with kisses and would whisper in her ear how much he loved her, how everything would be better.

And then he would not appear.

The soiree started hours ago, it all began as an unassuming joke, to celebrate what the muggles did but in the way pure bloods would.

And apparently the pure blood way was with ostentation and way too much liquor. Evan Rosier became so tipsy that he dared to come to snarl at her, although Lucius quickly took his arm and directed him to his mother in law.

Selene checked the time for the umpteenth time that evening, it was past eleven o clock, only an hour before the end.

He is not coming , she was sure of it.

What should she do? She could leave, nobody would miss her either way. Narcissa was nice behind closed doors, but when they were in public she avoided Selene like the plague. Lucius was not so bad, yet he needed to parle with almost everyone to maintain their good graces.

Yes, she could perfectly leave, she might have to call Kreacher, the elf did not like her but they were on some sort of good terms under Regulus’ command, he might not talk but he may give her an idea of his whereabouts.

Just when she made up her mind, a strong hand landed on her shoulder, and when she turned the pair of stormy eyes looked at her, worried.

Orion Black never spoke to her directly, he avoided her almost as much as everyone did, and now he had come to her. “Have you seen my son?” There were no words of acknowledgement, no salutations, only a direct question. It was beneath him to speak to her, much more was to treat her as a human being.

She wanted to refuse, not acknowledge him as much as he had dismissed her as unimportant, but the intention died just by looking at his severe expression, his worried stance and Wallburga Black’s troubled visage behind him.

“I have not, he told me we will meet here. I was waiting for his arrival.” It was so strange to see them in such a state, that her response came as a whisper.

It was for the best, after all, they would not enjoy anyone knowing their business, not even their own master, who in his usual way introduced himself into the conversation.

“Getting to know your future daughter in law, Orion?” It was a mockery, he knew, everyone knew none of the members of the Black family actually approved the union, not even their runaway son would have given his blessing. Lord Voldemort forced Orion’s hand when agreeing to the proposal, and now he was laughing on the man’s face.

Orion excused himself with an awful excuse before turning to his wife, taking her to the other side of the saloon.

“I might be wrong, but I think I’ve just scared your father in law, Selene.”

“When have you ever been wrong, my lord?” Her answer pleased him, not because of the obvious flattery but because of the mocking tone she had used. She had come to know the man, to understand what needed to be done to be in his good graces. Impressively so, being herself, sarcastic and dry were perfectly acceptable for her master.

“Shall we dance? I’ve not seen you on the dance floor the whole evening.”

“I was out of partner”

“Ah, where did lover-boy get himself into?” His hand laid on her waist yet he swiftly moved to her lower back, she paid it no mind, as if the change wouldn’t have upset her, as if his obvious fondling wouldn’t perturbed her to the core. Yes- She knew how to handle him, but it doesn't mean she relished in his attention. She was grateful for his protection, and knew she had to give something in exchange for it; if only it wouldn't be so hard to contain her uneasiness.

All set of eyes fixed on them, on the way he unceremoniously would handle her around the dance floor. On how as if by command every death eater that had been dancing before them disappeared just to let them have the floor for themselves. He grinned, pearly teeth showing, he did have a nice smile for someone so wicked.

For her, he was an enigma, he frightened her and somehow she admired him so much, it was difficult not to enjoy his attention if that made her seem important to him. If only those attentions were reserved to academic subjects instead of making her parade around as if she were his and not Regulus’.

“I’ll have to leave soon, Selene. To Asia, and the Americas after, a couple of months, maybe more” He stopped to look at her, searching for something in her eyes, yet he became annoyed when he did not find what he desperately needed to find. “Just after your ceremony of course, I would never miss it.”

She looked at him, what response he wanted she did not know, what he ought to be doing in foreign countries was no business of hers.

“Will you not miss me?” It was odd, how he wanted her to yearn for him and her to feel the loss of his parting yet he did not offer the same. He wanted her to behave as his pet, aching for his presence and standing still for his arrival.

“Of course I will, my lord. But what use do I have of suffering now about your parting when I have you in front of me?” It was a lie, obviously. At the moment what she was most excited about was the moments after her marriage ceremony, of all of them leaving her and Regulus finally alone, to be able to spend time with him without caring about the whispers, the jealousy. Nobody else but Regulus to care about.

He made a reverberating sound from inside, almost like a cat but not quite. His smile widened and it seemed to Selene that this time he was smiling for real.

The clock marked 11’30 when an awful scream filled the room.

Walburga was covering her stomach as if she had been attacked but no attacker was seen. She crouched forward and not able to hold herself in place she fell unceremoniously to the hard cold floor.

Selene wondered where her husband was if he was not helping her, but the man was already on the floor, not helping but screaming in agony.

“My boy- My boy!” he called, desperately, all around them were astonished, not understanding this spectacle the Blacks were performing.

Selene searched the crowd for a pair of familiar orbs, was Regulus here to see this? But he was nowhere to be seen, she instead focused on Lucius who was holding Narcissa in his arms, she had fainted.

More members of the Black family reacted, some screaming in pain, others holding their chest as if it was on fire, expressions filled with despair and pain.

The dark lord who still stood next to her, was grabbing her hips with such force she believed it would leave a mark later, he tsked, displeased with the situation. 

He separated from her, yet unwilling to, his hands lingering on her frame longer than they should.

“What is the meaning of this?” He did not scream, his voice calm and low, but his face a turmoil of fury.

“My boy has died!” It was Walburga who responded, with defying eyes looking at the dark lord. She did not have the mark, and by all means was not under his thumb, but whether she had the mark or not, they all followed him. What she was doing, the defiance was an undenied show of disrespect to the man. “That happened! Regulus has passed away-!” With that last word the woman resumed her crying, all around them confused faces filled the room.

The master looked back at Selene, worried eyes analysing every single detail of her expression.

His hands tried to catch her trembling frame but she ran before he was able to.

Selene had alway been pale, but since finishing Hogwarts the inner pink glow of her visage came into view, giving her for once, a healthy looking appearance. 

Now all that colour faded away, white as a sheet she felt her bile rising, her beating heart on her ears, a weakness on her legs.

She hadn't gone far away before her body gave in, collapsing on the floor on one of the many corridors.

Her mind couldn't focus, she wasn't processing a thing, how could they know that? Did something tell them something? What was with that chain reaction of all of Regulus’ relatives?

But no, she denied the possibility, Regulus was at his room, probably what he had been working on took way too much time and he forgot about the soiree, he must be over all of his parchments sleeping placidly.

Yes, that was it.

She just needed to go and wake him up.

“Regulus! Regulus, where are you?” She screamed around the manor, he was not in his room, nor in the drawing room, and not even in his father’s study. Tha gardens were empty, not even Kreacher was around. “Regulus! Regulus!” Her frantic voice echoed through the building, but she could not find him, he did not react. Maybe he went to the ball after waking up. “Kreacher! Where is Regulus?” She asked for nothing, because the house elf was not around either.

The tears came down her face, she was getting nervous, this cannot be, he had to be there. She went to Regulus’ room, if he was not there what was in it might have given her a clue, but before she could get to anything a sound came from behind her, and the house elf appeared, dishevelled, eyes absent, a piece of paper firmly grabbed by his right hand.

“Master Regulus… He- he is-” his voice broke and the elf wept. He was desperate, trying so hard to regain control of his breathing. That was all the confirmation Selene needed.

His arms, legs and even his head had slashes, blood poured from each, a putrid smell filled the room.

Regulus was dead and his house elf was barely standing on the earth of the living.

It was not her brightest decision, but it must have been the best. She was adept at giving medical care yet Kreacher’s wounds were far superior to her capabilities, and most of her equipment was under the dark lord’s roof.

Madam Pomfrey's capable hand quickly took care of the small creature, who in his sleep was still calling for his master.

Dumbledore’s presence was looming over her, she had explained all to him why the elf was in that state and Regulus’ discovery, the locket.

Regulus was smart enough to leave a written explanation of his discovery with Kreacher, and before asking the elf to take them both to Hogwarts as she knew he could, she cleaned Regulus' room of anything that would make him suspicious of treason.

The headmaster was uncomfortable with her presence, even though she had begged him to save the poor house elf. She couldn’t protect Regulus from his own actions, but letting the poor creature that her fiancé loved more than his own parents suffer was something she refused to do.

She had kneeled in front of the man that never cared about her wellbeing, begging him to help her save Kreacher even though the old man refused to acknowledge her existence.

But she was desperate.

She had no one, no one anymore.

Her only anchor was gone for good, and he did not even dare to explain what he was doing.

Yet she could not bring herself to blame him, O she was mad, and the small seed of hate was planted in her heart. But her love for him was much more, yet the grieve slowly consumed her senses.

A cold night of December, next to the infirmary bed Kreached laid in her former school, she wept for her lost lover, her wailing echoing through the castle, a grieving noise impossible to contain.

It was the old man who always dismissed her as inferior who comforted her the whole night. His sweet scent of lavender and lemon curd filled her nose and calmed her somewhat.

Never before she had felt the warm embrace of a paternal figure, and she dreaded it came from this situation to finally feel acceptance.

Her heart and mind welcomed Dumbledore as her saviour, as the only one who could help her know.

He stood next to her when she readed the letter Regulus left for her with Kreacher, both letters, hers and the explanation of the horrocrux crumbled after such a tumultuous time. And the headmaster of Hogwarts gave her that paternal comfort she needed so much.

Dearest Selene,

My sweetest love, I'm afraid I have failed you in more ways that you were conscious of. And if this letter ever reaches you it means that I have failed you one last time.

Please do not believe I left you on my own accord, since I would never dare to do so. You have been the light in the darkness even since I met you, you my darling love are all I could ever wish for.

But I cannot win you over with compliments before making amends, and that was what I was trying to do. Failing miserably as I always do.

During the vacations before my last year in Hogwarts I killed your parents, the dark lord asked me to, but I would be lying if I told you that I regret doing so. After learning what they had done to you I could no longer feel regret but for the possibility of you hating me for it.

If you could ever forgive me for my actions I'm afraid they do not end there.

I was blind to think we have any free will in this life, and with me being this blind I condemn you with the worst fate.

Before I tell you I want for you to understand that my intention was for you to never subjugate to such misery, and it is my demisal the outcome of it.

Do you remember the time we believed that with the blessing of our máster we could finally obtain what we want the most? What I've always wanted, more than anything else, more than breathing itself was to be with you. But I wanted it to be perfect, for us to marry, for us to have a life you would be the happiest with.

I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to bear my children and them growing in a home with love and laughter. 

I wanted you to be by my side until my dying breath, but I guess we will never get what we desire.

Lord Voldemort's blessing came with a clause for him to lay with you on our wedding night.

Call me a fool, because I know you will, but I could never give you to him. I could never share you with anyone, Selene. 

And I know you will hate me, and I know you will be mad at me. But I couldn't do it.

Because I know it will never end if he is around you. He wants to possess you.

If you still have some tenderness for me after everything said, I beg you to run, to escape from this life I put you in. Search for the happiness I was unable to give you.

Always yours, the truest fool.

Regulus Black.

Chapter Text

It was his first year in Hogwarts, and nothing like he would have ever imagined. It was supposed to be a good, joyous place, full of laughter and commandery, but instead it was filled with competitiveness and rudeness.

First of all Regulus' problems laid his brother, the pretentious moron couldn’t even give him the time of the day, apparently hanging out with younger children made him look too childish, and that could not be, not if any girl was nearby. 

Yet, Regulus knew the real reason, even if Sirius wouldn’t acknowledge it, he was disappointed, mostly frustrated they didn't enter the same house. He had been friendly with him before that, in the summer, talking wonders of Hogwarts, his classmates, and even bragging about his knowledge in some classes. Now he barely nodded at him in the halls, and his indifference stung.

But he overcame it. He could not be the poor first year who missed his oh so dear brother and begged him to talk to him again. Nah- who needed him anyway? Regulus was way too proud to beg anyone’s company. And that included the other slytherin’s too.

He thought -with all the naivete he still possessed- that making friends in a house where everyone was basically related couldn’t be hard, he was oh so very wrong.

Nobody cared he was a Black, most of them came from important and distinguished legacies, another one made barely a difference. Moreover, being blood related to one of the golden boys of gryffindor made it even worse. They feared he was like Sirius and preferred to look away.

And now, Regulus’ most important problem, the one happening at the time. On his second week in Hogwarts, he found himself alone and lost, somewhere in the bloody maze they all called castle. 

He knew the common room was in the dungeons, and he walked down all the stairs he could find, but when it became apparent there weren't any more, he stood wondering where he should go. He walked and walked and could not find anything remotely familiar to guide himself, he was going round in circles and promptly gave up.

Such a fool he was, for not remembering the path, but honestly what he ought to do? Make a trail of breadcrumbs? What a silly thought.

It was way past bedtime, around 11 he would’ve guessed, but it was impossible to say with no windows around.

‘I might just sleep here. It’s more likely someone will find me tomorrow’ . As he made his resolution he sat on the cold floor, thankfully he carried his cape, since the dungeons were surely the coldest place in the castle. He rested his head on his knees, and hugged his legs. It was an uncomfy position, he knew he'd be sore in the morning, but it was best to maintain the warmth. ‘Maybe no one will come to this part, and nobody will find me and I’m condemned to wonder about for all eternity. What a graceful way of dying, surely Sirius will laugh his ass off when he learns that his little brother died of loneliness’ As he ranted nonsense in his head, he fell asleep, but not for long.

Having been asleep for no longer than fifteen minutes a hand caressed his shoulder lightly, almost with care, but Regulus being only a kid, instead of thinking his saviour has finally come, he thought that most certainly a vindictive ghost appeared to take his life away, and of course, he gasped desperately and opened his eyes in full terror, only to find a girl standing in front of him.

He knew the girl, it was hard not to, one of the few halfblood students in Slytherin, he’d been around for little time, yet Cissy made sure to indicate every single acceptable friendship he could make, even if he had yet to make one. The girl’s surname gave her away, there was no ancient family called Snape, and her obvious second handed clothes put her immediately in the not acceptable type of person to talk to, according to his cousin.

In all honesty he never desired to talk to her, not because of something in particular, but she seemed unapproachable, yet most slytherin did. But now he couldn’t be picky, if she was going to help him he wouldn’t refuse.

She seemed uncomfortable, her thin lips pursed in worry, as he was about to ask her about it she spoke “Are you crying?”.

There was no mockery on her words, just plain curiosity and sincere worry. Regulus brushed his cheeks with the back of his hands and noticed moist in them, he’d been crying but couldn’t remember when, most probably in his sleep. “No, it’s nothing.” She did not seem convinced, but said nothing, as if she waited for him to speak again, her face dimly illuminated by the light coming from her wand, she’d raised her brow, in a way of telling him she’d not believed him at all. She was a second year student, but somehow seemed way more mature than his own brother of the same age. 

Finally, ignoring his pride and the possibility of embarrassing himself in front of a pretty girl, he asked: “Do you know how to get back to the common room?”

She smiled, it was so subtle Regulus thought he’d imagined it, but it was there, and it symbolised her approval. She gave him a faint nod and started to walk away, Regulus stood quickly to follow her.

They did not talk on the way there, and Regulus focused mainly on memorising the route to not get lost again. Just after they found the entrance of the common room and entered it Regulus wondered why she was out there so late. she was swiftly moving away, and was already climbing up the stairs before he had a chance of asking her about it. 

“I-!” He started before she had gone for good. Her deep black eyes turned back to him, waiting. “Thank you. For helping me” She nodded back, and that nice faint smile was there again.

He did not know why, but he dreamt of her that night, and all of the following nights, he felt restless if he did not see her during the day, and when she came to his dreams he finally felt at peace. 

He did not understand what it meant, not at that tender age, but soon he would.

Chapter Text

When she found Regulus Black again, after showing him the way back to the common room, Selene was not surprised by his attitude. He, with his almightyness the Black brothers seemed to share, did not acknowledge her when passing her by on the corridors, only nodding to say “hello” when she was alone and nobody around could see him.

She did expect it, not because of what transpired between them it meant they had become the best of friends, and she already had Lily, she did not need anyone else.

Although, it still hurt, the knowledge she was not going to be good enough to hang out with him, that she will be kept away as some a nasty secret, because amongst pure blooded kids she was nothing more than the trash they ignored when passing by.

Time passed after that, days became months and then months became years, soon it was her fifth year in Hogwarts, and as usual during her weekends, she found herself in a secluded classroom brewing something new she had come across to. 

So focused she was that she did not notice when the door was opened, nor when a pair of grey eyes focused on her frame, she minced, grinded and poured ingredients into the cauldron, stirring the pot until it was good enough. With a flick of her wand a purple looking smoke came out the potion, signalling it was ready and perfect.

Just then she noticed a presence within the room, turning around quickly to see the younger boy standing under the door frame, eyes fixed onto her.

“What do you want, Black?” Her voice was weary, just because he did not pester her like his brother it did not mean he could not do it, she raised her wand at him, searching for any sign of offence, but he just smiled and turned away.

He then began to follow her around, to go study with her at the library, to wait for her to arrive at the great hall and eat their meals together, at the beginning Selene felt preoccupied to say the least, but soon enough found a friend in the boy. He even gave her a red velvet cake for her sixteenth birthday, she almost cried.

It was the first cake she’d ever received.

The light filtered through the curtains, green curtains in her room at Malfoy’s Manor.

It’d been two weeks since Regulus disappeared, two weeks since his demise. Two weeks of pure chaos.

The Blacks blamed her for Regulus death, they had no arguments just plainly blamed her, screaming in her face that it was her fault their child was no longer in the world of the living.

Narcissa surprisingly tried to intervene in the discussion yet both her husband and her sister advised her not to, it was an issue between Selene and her in-laws.

Although that may never come to be; a small mercy.

Walburga demanded Selene to be executed, not tortured, nor incarcerated, just executed, the woman claimed it was much better than she deserved.

It was the dark lord who in the end intervened “You claim to be so sure of Selene’s intervention into your son’s demise, yet may I remind you, Wallburga, that she as well as you both were in my presence when the fatidic act happened?” The Blacks wanted to claim falseness yet they both knew they could not. “As far as we know your child may have died in a foreign country laying beside a common whore, or maybe he just killed himself as the coward he was. We might never know yet you are placing blame on one of ours.”

It was unlikely any of those things were happening but Voldemort had no clue on Regulu’s doings. Selene could see it in the man’s eyes, the doubt and the fear of not knowing were there. The feeling ate him from inside out, he became nervous, frantic. On the edge with every single movement or word uttered. He distanced himself from his followers as if figuring out what to do next.

Selene enjoyed his tumultuous state.

But when alone, when she did not have to pretend she was consumed by her own feelings.

The light coming from the window was dim, low and gentle as winter light always was, it was still morning, the cold was not too harsh on this day. But when Selene exhaled her breath was visible just as smoke was. It might be a wiser decision to get more clothing onto the bed.

Regulus’ young face was still in her pupils, those grey eyes watching her with tenderness. What would have been his reaction when he realised she was pregnant? Would he have been happy? Excited? Or terrified just as she felt in the moment?

Her throat constricted and the tears clouded her sight, in these times anything related to Regulus would bring her to tears. The wound was too tender, too recent.

She heard herself whimpering, her breathing becoming laborious and her beating heart accelerating. How could she not cry in these circumstances? How could she not scream in pain if what she most loved in this world was no longer by her side?

Accidentally, maybe unwillingly, but maybe her insides did it on purpose, she grasped her stomach, and then remembered that not all was lost.

There, inside her, with the size of an apple seed laid their babe.

Would they take after her, plain and ugly or would they take after him? A little treasure with grey eyes and unruly hair.

What would she name them? What names would Regulus like? She must go back to Spinner's End, make a nursery of her old room, clean the house and make it her own.

She made the resolution to keep living, because it was the only thing she could do now.

With delusional thoughts she went to sleep again, only to wake up on a poodle of her own blood.

***************************

It was a nightmare, a horrible agony of a situation.

Her screams resonated through the manor, alarming its owners of an ordeal happening.

She kicked down the bloodied white sheets, with her hand she took hold of her still flat belly, sensing in an indescribable way a terrible absence of what once was there.

“No, no, no, no- This cannot be-” Her pleadings were not heard because there was nothing to be done nor a soul to ask for mercy nor help. “No, no- No!” Her own words were difficult to understand for her own hearing, her cries mendling in her speech.

Her pale hands were red, there was so much blood around her, yet she tried to search for something, anything, there must be something of hers amongst all that blood, of all that terror. It must be, it needs to be.

Because if she found it maybe she could save it.

But she knew, she knew deep down, that there was nothing to be done now.

She was powerless, just as she was when Regulus passed away.

The blood reached her forearms, the tears streaming down her face did not allow her to see a thing.

Selene just laid there, over all that blood, over all those broken dreams. She hugged herself trying to regain some comfort, the blood over her body felt cold now, it began to dry itself.

****************************

Narcissa found her then, all bloodied in a foetal position over the bed.

The blonde woman knew how reticent she had been with Selene’s presence at the beginning, but slowly she became used to the sarcastic and cold demeanour of hers. It all changed when she saw the truth, of the love on those black eyes, all that love she had for her cousin, a cousin who left his lover to never come back.

Narcissa was pregnant too, probably for only a couple of weeks longer than Selene, so when she saw the younger woman state she felt like fainting, screaming and calling for help.

But that would not do, not in her frail state.

The house elf filled the tub with warm water and relaxing herbs, Narcissa took her to the water and there she washed her.

Selene did not utter a word, too focused on her pain to be able to perceive anything around her. It was only when the blonde started to wash her hair that anything at all.

“I lost both of them” She looked at her, with those big black eyes, eyes pierced with blood, pain and suffering. “I lost them both and they’ll not come back” She wept, hugging herself to narcissa’s waist as if it were her only pillar to the world.

Narcissa hugged her back, not caring if her fancy clothes got wet, she cradled the girl on her arms. Because she was barely a woman, she had only turned twenty that day.

They both laid down after, clean sheets that smelled of lavender surrounded them, Narcissa knew Selene was never to become her cousin legally after this, but in her heart she will always be Regulus’ wife. She was family and family must be taken care of.

It was a particularly hot day of April, the marauders had gathered to celebrate in a pub near Remus’ current location, the werewolf was unable to maintain a lease for long and at the moment was renting a comfortable floor in the outskirts of Falmouth.

Lily already started to show, and James started to act like a proud father even if the kiddo hadn’t even been born yet.

The future godfather also started to act like it, showering the unborn child with gifts of different kinds. One of them being a really small broom, hoping the kid just like him and his best mate would love flying.

It was a nice afternoon, the light filtered through the leaved of the lemon tree just outside the restaurant they were in, Lily’s red hair shimmered with the light and Remu’s eyes appeared to be a light caramel colour.

James’ arm rested on the back of Lily’s seat, his upper lip covered with the foam of the butterbeer he was having, his loud laughter echoing through the place. Peter’s round cheeks coloured in pink, too tipsy already.

It was a nice day, Sirius hadn’t had a good day in ages.

Not after Regulus’ death six months ago, he went to the funeral, an awful situation filled with even worse people, his mother confused his presence with his willingness to be a part of the family again. They started to scream at each other as they often did before he decided to run away, it was because of his father’s intervention that he realised how disrespectful it was to fight like that during a funeral.

His brother’s funeral.

How could he be dead? He was only a teenager in a messed up situation.

They never recovered the body, they didn’t even know where he passed away, they just knew he did.

At the end the funeral was nothing more than a useless ceremony, there was nobody to bury, just a bunch of memories.

He cried, not an awful lot, but he did, his tears filled his eyes even if he did not want to. Andromeda hugged him, trying to comfort him.

“Your sister in law is here.” She whispered in his ear “You might want to give her your condolences.” 

His eyes widened in surprise, since when Regulus was married? Why didn't he know about it?

As he followed his cousin’s eyes his frantic heart gave a leap inside his chest.

There, away from the crowd with Narcissa Malfoy as her only companion was Selene Snape.

“They weren't actually married, but they were planning to.” 

“And my father agreed to this?”

Andromeda made a weird face, surprised by her cousin’s words. “Of course he didn’t. It was you know who who gave his blessing after Regulus’ request. Your parents didn’t have much choice but to oblige.” the brown haired woman sighed, exhausted. “It was sad, when we all realised he was gone, we were all together but you. Your mother’s despair was something horrible to witness, but probably the worst of the night was Selene’s reaction. She seemed so broken, as if her heart truly broke at that moment. Days after I saw her again and it was a true sight, I’ve never seen anyone that disheartened. Cissy hasn’t moved from her side, she didn’t like her at the beginning but after we knew how much she cared about Reggy all was different.” 

He saw the woman from afar, her eyes never met him, they just focused on the empty casket. Her right was held by Narcissa’s such a weird sight of her cousin trying to comfort another human being. 

His heart clenched, and his chest hurted, he knew it was because of the pain of losing his brother, yet it deepened when he saw her there, so gloomy, so desolated. “You are truly feeling sorry for Snape?” he asked Andromeda, as if he didn’t do the same.

“Why wouldn’t I? She’s just a girl mixed in all of this mess. I just wonder what she’ll do now?”

“You say it as if you are not going to be here to witness it.”

“I won’t” She left the following day to marry a muggle, Sirius didn’t hear from her since.

But he was in the present now, he shouldn’t dwell on pains of the past, as he felt the warm rays of sunshine on his face he looked up, as if he were a flower and needed it to nourish himself; as if it were all he needed to feel alive again.

But the sky clouded with dark smoke, and death eaters arrived.

Chapter Text

February, 1980

The wind blew strongly, Remus tried desperately to maintain some warmth, hugging his frame as he walked by. The cold paid no mind to his useless attempts and pierced through his way too thin trousers without care. 

He felt the pain of the freeze in his bones.

It would start snowing soon enough, the full moon would come in about a week or so; he had no place to transform.

He had never expected life to become so difficult after Hogwarts.

He had not been able to find a job, everyone asked about references, what experience would someone who just graduated from school have? 

Many times he had been trying and almost getting a position, only for a better known wizard to take it away from him. All he had now was low paying muggle jobs, blue collar they called them.

But he never lasted long; having to take a break every full moon being the main reason.

It gave him a bad reputation, nobody wanted to hire someone like him after all. Many months he went by without a proper job, living a hand to mouth experience.

Oddly enough, even for himself, he never took his friend’s help. He was too proud to depend on them financially. He kept his distance from them so they could not fully see his distress.

He was still in contact with them of course, Lily and James will be having a baby soon, Peter settled down in a flat near them, always following James’ lead. And Sirius- well Sirius was in an even worse situation than himself.

That’s why they were supposed to meet each other in that pub, although it seemed Sirius was running late.

Remus didn't dare to enter and wait inside if Sirius was not going to show up, going inside meant he needed to order something to stay in, and he refused to waste money like that.

So he waited outside, under the eave. Snow slowly covered the grey street with its shining clean whiteness.

Fifteen minutes passed and Sirius was nowhere to be found, instead, a glimmer on the other side of the street caught Remus’ attention.

An old man with weird looking robes and intricate braids on his beard was there, the glimmer he had just witnessed was nothing more than the light reflecting on the man’s glasses. 

Dumbledore in all his extravagance was there, in the little town he inhabited, far away from Hogwarts where he was supposed to be.

Naturally Remus approached his former professor, excited to see him.

He knew he was not Dumbledore’s favourite student, that particular achievement belonged to James alone, and perhaps Sirius close behind. Yet somehow the headmaster favoured Remus too.

Just allowing him to study at Hogwarts was a big deal.

Remus knew he was dangerous, he was an awful beast of the night, without wanting to he could hurt anyone around him, even those he cared about.

He almost killed Selene once. It was mainly Sirius’ fault, yet the terror he felt when he saw her there, in the Shrieking Shack, unprotected, fragile. An innocent that he was just about to kill amidst the fog of his own despair.

It was a miracle James arrived just in time, if not, he dreaded to think what would have happened.

He knew- He understood that Selene Snape was not so flimsy as her frame led others to believe, yet his own insides betrayed that thought.

He wondered many times if that's why Sirius picked on her so much, if it had anything to do about her looks, on the way she seemed so easy to break, as if one could only reach her wrist and snap it just by grabbing it.

That made her look so distant, a whimsical creature made only to look at, never to touch, never to possess.

Those were the bad thoughts, those who came often when the full moon was approaching, it was the wolf inside him demanding what he had renounced long ago.

He was not so different from Sirius in the end, at least not inside his own mind.

Remus kept all his desires locked down, whilst Sirius let them loose without care if they hurted anyone, even himself.

Remus knew that the “prank” only came to be because of Sirius’ jealousy. Selene had a special interest in Remus at the time, she was cunning enough to guess his true nature even without tangible evidence. Not being the centre of Selene’s attention drove Sirius mad.

And when she and Remus started to become something similar to friends, well- Remus was happy to maintain it a secret. He dreaded thinking of his friends' reactions, James would be disappointed, Peter would just follow James’ lead, and Sirius. He couldn’t even imagine what Sirius would do. 

He was petty, irrational, and sometimes -only towards Selene- he could be downright evil. 

But Remus enjoyed her company, more than anything at that time he wanted to be with her. Maybe not in a romantic way, that only could come after enough time knowing someone else, but he relished her friendship, and he felt joyous, benign, and accepted by someone else than his mates. 

And she was helping him, the potion they were trying to do was the solution of his many troubles.

She said it was because of her own gain, but Remus soon enough began to understand her. She cared for him.

And he did too.

She was part of him, in a way James, Sirius and Peter were too. The wolf inside him claimed her as his own, as a part of him. In a much bestial sense, she was part of a pack she had not agreed to be part of.

But all crumbled after the day on the lake, he believed he had lost her forever.

Yet now Dumbledore was offering something only Selene could make.

“The wolfsbane potion” came as a whisper from his lips, his beating heart echoed in his ears.”Selene made it.” His enthusiasm wasn’t obvious by his voicetone, yet anyone could plainly see in his face his astonishment.

She kept trying, after all these years, after everything that had happened to her, she kept trying to accomplish it.

He knew her almost husband was dead, he knew that her parents died a long time ago, he knew of the distance between her and Lily, apparently impossible to resolve. Yet right here, right on top of his hands laid the indistinguishable proof that Selene Snape did not forsake him.

Because she continued trying.

And maybe, this meant there would be a chance for each other, to continue that long-forgotten friendship, to reunite her and Lily, to obtain whatever his heart was yearning for.

Dumbledore frowned his lips, as if Remus' knowledge of the potion upset him, that made no sense to him, the old man quickly enough smiled warmly. “Miss Snape is an accomplished witch, it was just a matter of time before she could.” he placed his right hand on top of Remus’ left shoulder, gently squeezing it “We need you to be on your best shape, given the circumstances of all, an owl should arrive at your door every month from now on. Yet, I need you to promise me something, dear boy” His demeanour was gentle and his voice soft, but he felt a shiver all over his frame, he blamed the cold; yet deep down he knew it had nothing to do with it.

Still, the youngerman eagerly nodded, happily enough to do anything if it meant not to be a menace every month. 

“Nobody, not even your family, least of all your friends should know about Miss Snape's involvement.” 

“Why?”

“It was her only petition. She needs to keep distance from you lot, for her own health. I support her decision, thoroughly. It is well known that your friends do not have a tender heart for Miss Snape, and her circumstances are not the best at this moment, she just recently lost what was most dear to her.”

“But- Professor, wouldn’t that mean she needs a friendly hand to help her out?”

“And you assume to be a friend of hers, mister Lupin?” 

“No, maybe not me- But Lily-”

“I might- perhaps pretended to ignore the constant harassment of Mister Potter, Black and sometimes even Mister Pettegrew towards Miss Snape back in the day, as well you and Miss Evans did. But those were childish games, not at all of the significance nor the circumstances the young lady is facing today. I cannot allow any further damage to befall her.”

When Sirius arrived an hour had already passed, he had lost track of time hanging out with a witch nearby. 

It crossed his mind to tell him about Dumbledore; about Selene. He kept his mouth shut.

It was better this way anyway.

Remus had seen the anguished countenance of Sirius ever since he heard about Regulus and Selene’s engagement, how he said at the time that Selene was lucky for anyone to be able to at least look at her face without wanting to puke. Remus knew it was bullshit.

He needed to feel indifference for the couple but instead his blood boiled with jealousy.

James told him that one particular night Sirius lost it, he arrived at his door intoxicated, demanding him to lend him his broom because he had just broken his. He wanted to go to Grimmauld place and talk some sense into Selene’s mind.

‘He was talking nonsense, Moony. I don’t know if anyone gave him something or what but truly, it was nonsense. He even tried to call on Regulus, you know? And I’m completely sure the Black family doesn’t have a fucking phone, he was babbling something about a wedding he needed to stop, and tried to leave after, Lily put him to sleep and then he woke up the next morning like nothing ever happened!’ James told Remus weeks before Regulus’ demise. 

He had always been oblivious of Sirius feelings towards Selene, or perhaps he just didn’t want to acknowledge them.

But Lily knew, she knew perhaps before even Sirius, about his unruled feelings for her. 

There was a moment in Lily's life where she knew everything one could possibly know about Selene Snape. And that moment had long passed.

She didn’t even know about Regulus’ passing away, James’ petition.

Because, for Lily, Regulus was the sole reason for Selene distancing herself from her and disappearing from her life not long after. If the younger Black was not in the picture Lily strongly believed it would be just a matter of time for Selene to return to her.

She might not have been wrong after all.

Chapter Text

April, 1980

In James’ mind, not telling Lily about Snape’s situation was a favour he made to her. 

He saw on the first hand how the relationship between both women fell apart, mainly because of him, although his mates shared part of the blame. Sirius more than anyone else.

He knew, well- He knew now that what they did to her was messed up. Messing up with Snape ingredients whilst she was brewing, calling her all sorts of names, picking up her skirt to take a glance of her knickers, guiding her to a werewolf’s cave… They were no funny innocent games; yet he couldn’t find a place in his heart to regret it. 

Did they wrong her? Of course they did, if anyone dared to do anything similar to Lily they would have certainly lost their heads.

But with Snape was different, most of the time James felt it was completely justified. It was so easy to pick on her, how nobody had her back, how her face contoured in the most desperate expression any time they targeted her, how, in her fury, she would turn red and yell at them any type of hex, quite difficult to combat if he may add.

Snape was no gentle flower, she was capable of handling any of them in a fight, even more than one at once, she was strong and determined, an absolute danger to them. He dared to even say he never actually saw her as a woman, until Sirius had the idea to cast a windy spell on her way making her skirt rise up, she actually had some nice thighs, not that it actually mattered to him. But it was weird to believe that your mortal enemy had actually some creamy white legs. But as the thought came to him it went away, for Sirius it did not, since James remembers perfectly well how quickly he had to run to the privy after the situation transcurred.

He does remember too that Peter told them lately that he had jack off with that specific image in mind, and whilst Remus punched him hard for telling such a thing, Sirius couldn’t help to show an uneasiness in him. James didn’t ask why, he feared the answer. 

So when Sirius told them about Regulus’ engagement and later death, they agreed that keeping the witch at bay from all of them was the best they could do, with the sole exception being Lily, who under any circumstances should know about her. Sirius agreed on the dangers that Snape could bring to Lily, with the death eaters and blood purist.

“He just wants her away for his own safety” said Remus when they discussed it, when Sirius went to smoke outside. His caramel eyes fixed on the backyard door, contemplating.

“What do you mean?” James played dumb, as if he did not know the effects of the dark witch on his friend. Remus then shook his head, backing away from actually talking about the issue.

Sirius was better with her away, Lily was better without her. She, Snape, that woman with her horrible visage, consuming soul and soulsucking fangs, what type of life would that woman could have brought to his dear Lily? What terrible fate could Sirius expect with her around?

Yes, they were better without knowing more about her.

And whilst James rejoiced on his decisions, the past tormented Lily like nothing ever could.

She was supposed to be celebrating, but there was little space in her heart to do so.

Selene’s parents died months ago and still there was no answer about her whereabouts. Sirius tried to reassure her saying that she was alright, but how could he know? Because his atrocious brother told him so?

Wasn’t that same brother the one who turned her dearest friend against her?

How could he believe he truly sought for her wellbeing if Lily was incapable of witnessing it?

And mayhaps she was being unreasonable, an egotistical childish brat, but how could she not? She needed her friend more than anything in the world.

She was going to have a baby! A little angel was growing inside of her and Selene was nowhere to be found,  or at least, not where she could find her. Sirius had accepted to be Harry’s godfather yet the godmother was supposed to be Selene, who else could take her place? 

No one.

She could be dead, in a completely different country, maybe even in Azkaban at this point.

After Hogwarts she just banished, as if consumed by the earth.

Sometimes, on the good days, Lily believed her to be far far away from all this mess, in a cottage inside a forest, right next to a winding river that kept dark creatures at bay. It had been Selene’s dream one day, years ago. Too many years ago.

But she knew it was a fantasy that Selene did not wish to complete anymore, not since the day they drew apart, not since Regulus Black supplanted Lily’s place on Selene’s heart.

James was happy about their ignorance about Selene’s whereabouts, Lily was sure of it. He always considered Selene a dark witch, a bad influence and nothing more. And she knew he feared that Lily would reconsider everything she had built with him if Selene Snape came back to her.

It might not be completely untrue, yet it was a reach.

And neither of them would be sure of what would happen until it did.

But she needed her friend.

Being surrounded by James’ friends only increased the realisation that she was alone.

If anything -god forbid it- ever happened to James Lily would be completely alone. Shes, they guys were nice to her, treating her as if she were a part of their whole group.

But it wasn’t the same.

She needed her own.

It was something she was used to, most of the time she ignored the feeling, but being there, hanging out with all of James’ friends, and somehow being an outcast in her own relationship was something she never expected to feel.

She knew she was James’ priority, just as James was hers. But when they had issues, stupid altercates, or simply when he left her alone to go out with his friends, She had no one to turn to, nobody to confide in; nobody was there for her.

And those ideas clouded her mind, she kept looking outside, while the guys laughed hard at something Peter was having troubles to say. She paid no mind, her absolute attention in the leaves dancing around on the perennial trees. 

So focused she was that did not realise the thick smoke that appeared, not at least until a muggle screamed in pain just metres away from them.

Sirius was the first to run to the outside, followed close behind by Remus, wands in hand and fierce expressions on their features. Peter was petrified on his seat and James was not able to decide what to do.

Lily looked through the window to the street, three hooded figures stood in the centre of the alley, all of them tall, almost impossible to differentiate, if it weren't that one of them was way too slim to be confused with the others. Sirius and Remus were directly across from them, and perhaps that was all James needed to make out to run after his friends, although, first he caressed her shoulder with a gentleness Lily was surprised to see, in his eyes there was too much anxiety to be that soft with her in a moment like that, but he was. “Get somewhere safe, I’ll come after you when I can.” He said in a breath, kissed her on the forehead and turned away from her. As he ran away, James took Peter’s arm for him to make him move too.

“James!” She called on him but he did not look back, too focused on the task at hand.

He’ll be damned. He must be mad if he believed she would leave them there, what if they got caught? What if something happened to him? She will be all alone in the world.

She did not move yet she didn’t fight, Lily awaited inside the diner they had been in, it had that type of glass that made you unable to look inside but from the inside you could see everything that happened on the other side. She felt prepotent, useless, her will to fight burning inside her knowing perfectly well she was unable to do a thing, she could risk her own life or the life inside of her.

To she did not do a thing, just waited, hidden under a table even knowing there was no need for her to hide.

They were good, James always had been virtuous in defence against the dark arts, Sirius had always been prolificent in everything, including defence spells, Remus had more issues because for some reason they were focusing on him. And Peter, well, she will have to talk to James to never put Peter in a situation like that ever again.

But no matter how good her boys were, the death eaters were considerably better, the slimmer one deflected every single spell thrown their way, and the other two were ruthless on the way they were attacking.

Sirius managed to disarm one, and Lily suppressed a victory scream at that. There were still two more to get. 

Yet the weirdest thing happened, for a moment Lily almost believed she must have imagined it. One of the hooded figures was preparing to hex Sirius while he was distracted with his victory against the other, but the slimmer one attacked Sirius first, throwing him towards Lily’s direction, breaking the window that separated her from the battle, it was almost as if that death eater had moved Sirius out of the way of the hex. On his part, Sirius moaned painfully, hurt but alive. Confirming Lily’s suspicions, if they wanted him dead, he would be.

That same death eater looked directly at her,  she couldn't tell how she knew they were looking at her since their face was not visible, but she knew. Their body was facing Remus, their wand signalling him, but the hole where their face was supposed to be was directed in her direction. Lily did not think much of it and casted a burning conjuration towards them.

It reached them somehow, they had been able to divert every single spell until now but Lily’s reached them.

As that one burned, the other one still standing got distracted, and the boys used that distraction in their favour, throwing them away, way out of Lily’s reach. 

But the slimmer one was still looking her way, even while they burnt.

In a quick movement black smoke covered them, and before Lily herself could understand what was happening she was being wrapped on it too.

She felt her heart in her mouth, the world spinning around her, she was being kidnapped, what if she never saw James again? Where are they taking her? Should she scream? Would that be of some use? She should have listened to James and fly away the moment she could. 

But as quickly as it began it all stopped.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing here!?” A voice she knew as clearly as water came from the hooded figure, the person covered by it took the cape off, showing that  face she had been missing for so many months. But she was not happy to see her, Selene’s nostrils were flaring, the anger pouring out of her pores, her face red.  “Have you no sense? Being with Potter and his damn friends surely made you lose your common sense too! How could you be so stupid and put yourself at risk? In your condition!” She extended her left hand signalling Lily’s protruding belly. “I cannot believe Dumbledore sent you to meet the death eaters here. What on Merlin’s name was he thinking?” The last part came out almost as a whisper, barely audible, the smell of burnt clothes filled the air. She observed Selene’s body and noticed that the fire managed to burn part of her hair but mainly her clothing, yet she did not look in pain for a person who was almost burnt alive. Lily wondered when she managed to drown the fire.

“Dumbledore..?” Lily repeated, confused, why was Selene talking about the headmaster? “Are you talking about Dumbledore?” 

Selene did not answer her for a moment, looking at her as if she were nothing but a moron.

“No, I’m talking about my jolly neighbour who is also called Albus Dumbledore!” The sarcasm in Selene's voice was deep cutting but at the same time it made the moment lighter for Lily “Wake up, Evans! Who else could I be referring to! I wrote to him days ago about this!”

The redhead was so confused that she felt quite dumb, dumb as a newborn puppy. Selene is right here in front of her, dressed like a death eater, arrived with the death eaters but she was actively talking to Dumbledore about the places where the death eaters would be “So you’re not with them?” Even asking the question seemed ridiculous, she being alive and fine was ridiculous. If Selene Snape was a death eater then Sirius Black would have been death for almost five minutes now.

“Wha-” Selene looked at her, confused at first, then as if some kind of revelation came into her mind. Her eyebrows frowned, filled with worry. “You don’t know… He never told you.”

“Tell me what?” Lily’s eyes tried to meet Selene’s, but she was not looking at her, instead she was looking directly at the end of the alley they were hiding. Lily just noticed they were on the side of a library not that far from the diner they just were in. Selene was biting her lip, trying to figure out what she ought to do next, then as if she couldn’t decide for a thing just sighed. 

“I have to go, just go back to Potter, get somewhere safe. The rest of them surely are gone by now, but more may come-” 

“NO!-” Lily grabbed her arm, refusing to let her go. She had so many questions and doubted Dumbledore could answer all of them.  “Selene, talk to me. Tell me what's going on.”

Black meets green, Selene  eyes were filled with worry, but mostly fear.

“I have no time.” the dark haired woman separated herself from her ex best friend, not before turning around with a look of desolation. “So you never received the letters, didn’t you?”

Lily’s confusion was enough for Selene.

She went away, in a cloud of black smoke, just as the death eaters first came.

***

“I want my letters” Lily demanded the moment she entered the headmaster’s office. She had a hard time convincing her husband to bring her here, it was an even difficult thing to convince him to let her speak.

James had a special respect towards Dumbledore, almost as if he revered him. She could understand it, but at the moment she did not share it. 

Not when he kept Selene away from her.

The old man was sitting on his chair behind his desk, his demeanour did not change even when confronted with a very angry pregnant redhead. He kept sipping his tea.

Lily was losing her patience. “How could you keep her away from me!? How long has she been on our side and you kept me in the dark!? Do you know how many years have I waited for her to come back to me for you to avoid it?”

James voice interfered “Lily, i don’t think the headmaster-”

“Shut it, James!” She cut him off,“I want to know everything! When, how, why. Everything!” she slammed her palms on his desk, in a desperate attempt to get a reaction out of him, yet it did not come. He continued sipping on his tea.

“Professor, I beg of you…” James pleaded in a whisper, it was then when the professor finally put his cup down and smiled at them with that characteristic smile of his. That’s what it feels like to being ignored? Not considered even when it is clear that you have proof of others wrongdoings? 

How many times did Selene come to this exact office to not be taken seriously by this same old man?

“I have no intention of giving away Miss Snape’s secrets to a person who hurt her so deeply in the past.” His voice was gentle put it made Lily shiver, she quickly turn to James.

“Leave, James”

“I’m not talking about Mister Potter.”

Lily felt her heart sink, how dare he? “I have not-”

“Please, sit.” He signalled two chairs in front of his desk, yet paid no mind if they sat or not, since he began speaking right away  “I have just received a letter from Miss Snape, informing me of what transpired this afternoon on Fallmouth I’m deeply worried about her, since this little indiscretion could have been the doom of her if she was discovered helping a muggle-born.” the man straightened in his chair, and lowered his voice. “You see, Miss Potter, Selene had been on our side since her late fiancé’s death. But it was imperative for us to maintain the secret.”

“Her fiancé-?”
“Regulus Black, of course.”

Lily turned back to look at her husband so quickly she was amazed that she hadn’t broken her neck. And James, incapable of keeping things from her was looking bashful at somewhere else to avoid her gaze.

He had lied to her. 

***

“Are you alright?” Cissy’s rapid steps echoed through the corridor as her heels hit the floor. Her extended arms rapidly surrounded Selene’s frame with her warmth. “I heard that something had transpired today, and I got preoccupied.” Her voice was not calm as it used to be, and a small tremble at the end of the sentence let Selene know that her worried gaze was no farce.

Selene relished on Narcissa’s arms, calming her rapid heartbeat after the circumstances she now found herself in. Buried her face on her shoulder, trying to calm not only her heart but her breathing too.

It had been quite a day.

Lily’s presence on Fallmouth was something she never expected, her being pregnant was a bigger surprise.

She tried desperately not to blow her cover but wasn’t completely sure she had succeeded. Being sent with Avery and Mulciber was a bonus, they are quite dumb and most probably would think nothing about her early departure and late appearance. But she couldn’t be sure. She was burnt after all, that could be considered a good excuse.

They were supposed to meet again to give updates on their mission, the meeting point being Malfoy’s manor. The dark lord found it to be the most suitable place, even if his own manor was perfectly able to use.

“I’m fine. Just a few scratches. Nothing to worry about.”

“You smell of smoke, and your clothes are all burnt.” Cissy’s fingers stroked her hair, noticing the missing part where the smoke reached her. She had let her hair grow, and now because of the fire Lily sent some strands barely reaching her chin.

“It’s nothing a good haircut couldn’t fix.”

“I’m glad.” She told, not quite believing it, but smiling at the prospect of going to the salon with her friend. Under different circumstances Selene might have told her the worries in her mind, but she couldn’t and would not. Narcisa’s ignorance kept her safe, and Cissy’s safety was on the top of her worries.  “The dark lord is talking to Lucius now, and Mulciber already updated Lucius about the interference in your mission. Our lord was really worried about you.” She waited then, for any indication on Selene’s features, her beautiful blue eyes appeared to be green under the glim light of the candles, Selene felt her heart crumbling inside her chest, she couldn't help but think about Lily’s worried gaze.

“I’m guessing I should wait for him to call on me.”

“You should, and be sure to get in his good graces, you know how he gets when something doesn't go as planned.” 

Narcissa only smirked, making her husband deliver the bad news to the dark lord could be just the thing Selene needed for not being too deep in trouble. But she wasn’t that fortunate.

Not two minutes later, Lucius emerged from his own drawing room, with a troubled expression in his handsome face. Cissy grabbed Selene’s hand, preoccupied, her husband made a simple gesture that told Selene to go inside right away.

As she walked inside the drawing room, the dark lord’s favourite chamber in the whole manor, Selene felt the strong scent of lemon crowding the air. A cup of tea next to a fancy looking teapot laid on top of his desk over a tray, documents were placed next to them but had obviously not been used as they maintained a neat order. He was looking over the window, his broad shoulders heaving at an irrational pace, looking more like a deranged animal than the composed dark lord they all know.

She wasn’t dumb enough to interrupt him as he was trying desperately to control his temper, that only would cause him to jump on her and accuse her of every wrongdoing. She had seen it before, only not directed towards her.

After no more than a minute he called her, “Selene…” He started, his voice neutral yet harsh, he was trying to keep himself at bay. He didn’t turn back, focusing all his attention to the outside. His breathing was less erratic yet not fully composed. “Care to explain how my most adequate followers were unable to execute a raid in a minuscule town?”

Selene raised her left eyebrow involuntarily, why was he asking such an insubstantial question when he already had an answer provided by her companions?  It did not matter anyway, what he wanted she must provide. “The town was not free of mages, my lord. Although we have encountered issues like this in the past, this time we found ourselves face to face with ancient classmates of mine.”

“And why would that make a difference?” Her knowing the people involved seemed to get his interest, for the first time since entering the room he turned to look directly at her. His eyes, usually a caramel brown colour, were now crimson red, filled with fury. He had never been that angry at her before, not even the first time she deviated his advances after Regulus’ death, nor the time she hexed Rosier for being an obnoxious arse. But again, she had never failed him before, never.

Lucius seemed to be taken aback after talking to him yet not horrified as she had seen him before, Selene easily guessed that the dark lord’s anger was mostly directed to her now, he for some reason, did not hurt the messenger. 

She needed to be somewhat truthful if in the end he would get inside of her mind. “Even though I have trouble admitting it, even to myself, Potter and his friends are more capable of damage than they even know. I had issues handling them back at Hogwarts and they appeared to be an even harder difficulty now. Two of them come from very ancient houses, and the other two had learnt to be adequate .” He smiled at the last word, knowing she was making fun of his previous adjective towards her, all his anger banished just by a simple word. An easy joke, that under other circumstances could cost her life.

Still, she was not happy in giving so much information about Lily’s direct companions, however she decided to keep her out of it completely. Declaring that a mudblood could be a threat towards the dark lord’s goals seemed to be way too provocative. She already was dancing around with a target on her back, she didn’t need to make it bigger.

The dark lord features relaxed but didn’t completely give in, his eyes still a soft redish colour. “And what about the woman?”

Ah, of course he wouldn’t leave anything unexplored. Lily’s hex damaging her would make her the laughing stock amongst the rest of the death eaters, but in the moment of the fight Selene did not see any other way out, pretending to be hurt and not being seen receiving actual damage would have been stupid on her part. “A mudblood, I was somewhat occupied trying to cover Avery and left my right side uncovered. A mistake on my part.” A half truth, because she did interfere in Avery's fight with Black, where if she were not to interfere, Black would be most certainly dead by now.

It was not in their orders to kill mages, the dark lord quite literally prohibited it, unless one was sure of their mudblood status. Killing the son of one of the most noble houses of the magic world would mean nothing more than a certain punishment, even given Black’s circumstances as the runaway son, Selene was quite sure that Walburga would have demanded compensation on her firstborn death. She did not have it with Regulus, she would not have rested with Black.

Her interference could be seen as many things, as she trying to help her companion to not fuck it up, for her to obey and keep the dark lord’s ideals, or the most damnable of all.

That she avoided Sirius Black’s death under her worry for him.

She knew quite well that she could have let it be, let him be killed. And probably her own seventeen years old self would have let it happen. She was no James Potter who would put himself at danger to protect his sworn enemy.

Part of her wished she still was that teenager, but she was no more. 

And seeing his eyes, those grey eyes of his, the shape, the eyelashes, all so similar to those eyes that would never see her again. 

Those beautiful eyes of him that could never show his tenderness, his care, his love.

She could not let any other part of Regulus die again.

The dark lord chuckled, as if entertained by her confusion and means to explain her situation, of being beaten by -what he considered- an inferior being. The charming and almost alluring smile that he carried only when alone with her adorned his lips now. His angry facade now completely vanished, anyone else might have  thought his behaviour until now was nothing but a bad joke, but she knew it was no farce, she was on trial as everyone else was. More so even.

He grabbed her chin with his right hand, his thumb slowly caressing her lower lip, teasing. He was almost pressed against her, his larger body completely covered her, the strong smell of his cologne filling her senses. His eyes, those who were deep red just moments before were now a soft shade of brown, they looked intently into her own, and then, he made his way inside her mind.

But he could only see what she just told him, miraculously avoiding her conversation with Lily.

He smiled now, a full on grin of pure satisfaction. With him, and with her. For her supposed honesty and loyalty towards him.

More than ever, he appeared to be scared of her leaving him, and often played this tortuous game of life and death. Scaring her to death to then showing his satisfaction for a well performance.

The difference came down to her ability of tantalising him too. A decaying game of giving and taking.

She never gave in completely, and that's what had him interested. She knew that in the moment she slept with him any kind of respect he had on her would be thrown out of the window. And also, her respect for herself.

His only interest was to possess her, for some reason he deemed her interesting enough for a supposed dance of seduction. She knew that in the moment he would get bored of her he would take her by force, or maybe not at all, perhaps he will just kill her on the spot. So she played along, a hard game she somehow thrived upon, since being herself most of the time was just enough.

At the same time she contained the urge to puke, to punch him away, to scratch that confident smile out of his face yet she stood there, impassive, as he put his left hand on her waist and buried his nose on her neck.

His breathing sent shivers down her spine, felt how he smiled against her skin, the bulge on his trousers pressing against her backside.

He would try to do more, to caress his way inside her clothes, to slightly brush her breast with the tip of his fingers, to taste her skin, bite her like the snake he was.

But that's all she allowed him to do, and that’s what she promised to Dumbledore she would do.

Chapter Text

Selene wondered if the grey eyes on the Black family were some kind of curse, a weird damnation made only for her. When she looked at Regulus’ grey eyes she had been drawn to him like a moth to the light, she was prepared to do anything for him, anything he wanted her to, anything he needed, anything at all.

She loved those eyes of his, how cold they seemed yet so tender when he looked her way, he was the cold Black’s heir, but he was so much more for her.

And even though she and Lily started to talk again, against Dumbledore's wishes, Selene did not believe there was anything for her to continue living except for Regulus’ memory. She had her friend back, and Cissy became something special for her too, even if they no longer lived together, as Selene decided to move to her childhood home, she hanged around the pure blood quite often, trying to help the older woman with her errands as a nine month pregnant lady. She still believed she wandered in life with no purpose. 

Yet she was wrong.

Because in the same way life had taken so much from her, it also brought her something for her to continue going.

Maybe it was a sign, although she had never believed in a higher being, she thanked in silence for this little bundle of joy she was holding in her arms, the reminder of why she was still here in the land of the living instead of beneath the earth with the one who was almost her husband.

Little Draco’s eyes blinked, he had been tired from crying too much, and now he was slowly falling asleep in her arms. Cissy smiled at her from the bed, her tired features after what had been one of the most terrible and yet wonderful nights of her whole life.

“He’s beautiful.” Selene whispered, mainly to herself but loud enough for the new parents to hear. The boy had only been born but five hours ago, Selene accompanied her friend on the difficult journey, Lucius had too fragile nerves to witness it, and Bellatrix had accompanied their master on a mission to Bulgaria way too far to accompany her sister in her moment of need. So Selene was free to accompany the blonde woman.

Once the baby was born Lucius arrived and Selene gave them some privacy, they were a new family after all, and they needed it.

Although it was hard since she was barely able to look at the boy before Lucius took him.

‘It is not your son, you don’t have the right’ she reminded herself.

As she waited outside their room, sitting in an ample arm chair she began to wonder of all that that could have been.

If Regulus didn’t die, would she still be pregnant? Was her loss caused by her grief or by some kind of incapacity she carried? 

Would their child take after her or after him? Oh how she would’ve dreaded for the child to look like her, they’d be condemned for a life of a feel of inadequacy. What if they had a girl that looked just like her? Would she be able to look her daughter in the eye and tell her she was beautiful even if Selene knew it was a complete lie? 

She could imagine the future Hogwarts students making fun of that little girl and her being unable to do anything about the matter.

Did her mother ever feel that way? Powerless in her daughter’s life, only made a witness expecting her to fail.

For the first time ever since she lost them, Selene wondered if it might have been for the best. Although a dreadful guilt weighed inside her chest.

When she entered the room again, baby Draco was screaming his lungs out, both Narcissa and Lucius had a horrified look on their faces.

“He won’t stop but we already gave him food and he was just changed!” Lucius squealed in despair as a house elf handed him a cup of coffee for him to take, the little elf troubled eyes were fixed on the baby as Narcissa tried to soothe him. Wanting to take the baby from his useless parents and taking care of him.

Selene wondered if that was the usual amongst pure bloods, unfit parents and worried house elves, she chuckled thinking of little Regulus crying helpless only to be put by an exasperated Walburga on the arms of a considerably younger Kreacher. The elf told her once about Regulus' behaviour as a baby, ‘he wailed a lot on Mistress Walburga’s arms, but when he was with me, he stopped crying immediately, and I didn't even need to use magic! He was the prettiest baby I’ve ever seen, even though that scoundrel of his brother was good looking too’

The Malfoys might need their house elves more than ever, but she was there at the moment.

As she took the little kid in her arms, and adjusted him correctly, he stopped crying. Maybe because he had been moved around and wondered about his surroundings, he opened his pretty eyes to the world, probably didn’t see anything, she read that most newborns cannot see very well, but his eyes seemed to search for something, until they met her, maybe it was just him being curious, but he didn’t scream anymore.

And little Draco fell asleep in her arms.

Almost as if he knew the news his parents would give her, of how Selene became his godmother.

Her heart could barely hold her joy. Lucius hugged her when she started crying. 

Selene never allowed herself to be this fragile amongst others, especially other death eaters, but Lucius and Narcissa had been for her these past months, they were the ones who stood by her bed when she refused to eat, who made excuses for their lord when he called for her. Narcissa who wiped off her tears, who slept with her those gloomy nights after her loss, who in all treated her like a sister even though Selene never gave her reasons to be so kind towards her. Lucius was her role model when she first started Hogwarts, she followed around like a lost puppy and relished on his attention, he was the one who recruited her, and now he was the one who defended her from other death eaters who tried to get her out of their circle with the excuse of her mixed blood. He was the one who tried to calm their lord when she was not in his sight, and the one who received his anger whilst doing it. 

Them, who with the whole trust of their hearts allowed her to be an important part of their son’s life.

Whilst she paraded around with their enemy.

Lily walked outside her house and stood by her, Selene noticed without even having to look, her scent filled the air. Cinnamon and a touch of ginger. For the longest time it was the main scent when preparing amortentia back at Hogwarts, followed only by the smell of old books and burnt matches “Your hair is thinning” was the only thing she said as she stood in the centre of the room, hands on her waist and a raised brow.

“Thank you for your excellent appreciation of my lack of attractiveness” Lily’s lips twisted on a sardonic smile, she was the only one not taken aback Selene’s out of touch commentaries, as always “You’ve gotten fat” Lily’s baby tummy was the highlight of her figure, she was almost eight months pregnant, the baby could arrive at any second.

They looked at each other for a moment to crack in laughter. The second after, they stopped and sighted, just appreciating the other's presence, now more than ever it was important to have the other, to rely on their friend. That friend they lost for the longest time. 

Lily’s eyes darkened, having remembered what they did not want to discuss, what they needed to talk about but refused to pronounce.

Selene, noticing her friend’s troubled gaze announced “I apologise for just crashing in. Dumbledore told me he would be here, but as usual he seems to be late. I’ll be going now.” The headmaster asked her to arrive at Godric’s Hollow for a meeting with Lily and the rest of her friends, to inform them about Selene’s doings. She had arrived earlier than she expected and decided to sit on the soft sofá they had on their front porch, counting the seconds for Dumbledore to arrive. She dreaded facing everyone alone, it had been years she’d seen them, not considering the time of the fight. It was like reliving old fears, old memories.

But what Selene feared the most was to see Sirius Black again, just the thought of him made her wince. Without Dumbledore there to stop her, Selene feared she would not control her impulse to damage him, to avenge herself and all that rage she had looked away until she could see him again would unfolded.

As she started to stand up from the sofá, Lily’s hand rested on her shoulder. Her beautiful emerald eyes filled with sorrow. 

“It’s his birthday, Sev”. Dumbledore had the bright idea to do this meeting the very day of his birthday, of Regulus’ birthday. Maybe to placate her anger, perhaps hoping to keep Black in a softer mood because of his mourning, although Selene doubted it.

“I know” Selene avoided her gaze, and even if her voice did not betray her, her whole body trembled. Soon enough tears streamed down her secluded eyes. “I just-“. She tried looking back at her, tried to face her dearest friend but couldn't. 

Seeing the sadness in Lily's eyes would make everything more real, would make Regulus' death a reality. 

They never talked about it, no one asked her about him, not after that first encounter with Walburga back in the day. Narcissa avoided the subject, fearing Selene would collapse. They asked them, however, every time she saw his parents somebody was asking them how they were faring, even the dark lord did. But never asked her. As if she wasn’t the one Regulus was going to marry, as if they never shared all those years together. As if Regulus never loved her and she loved him.

As if- As if she never lost the child they made together.

As if Selene didn’t carry the ring he gave her on her neck, the constant reminder that she failed him.

Because he did not trust her enough, he didn’t believe her strong enough to face the inferi’s cave together.

Every day she wondered why, why did he not tell her about it, why didn’t he ask her to go with him. To face it together; To die together. 

Oh, wouldn’t that be nice. Leaving this atrocious earth with him by her side. 

But that could never be.

It was a glorious fantasy, one that would never be. 

“I miss him, Lily. I miss him so much” Lily’s arms held her as Selene collapsed. Her soft cries escalated to the point she was bawling uncontrollably. 

Six months have passed since his disappearance, the despair. 

She remembered it so well, the moment she realised something was off. The viper whispers of Voldemort in her ear, the ringing bells announcing midnight. 

“Somedays I just feel like my heart is going to break. As if it’s going to explode with too much pain. Today I woke up and I made him breakfast. Can you believe that? Breakfast- Yesterday I went by a muggle pastry shop and got him a pretty cake, it had walnuts in it. He loves them so much. He has an old man palate, you know? It was a really small cake, but it was good enough for us, Lily- It was just enough. I put the cups on the table, the tea was ready, I even made toast! The sun was beaming, Regulus loved summer, I didn't expect it when he told me- but he hated the dark, summer was good for him because the light lasted longer. It was a perfect morning, for a perfect day- for just a moment he was alive and well, he was just waiting for me to go and wake him up”. Selene sobs stopped her from continuing. She did not tell her what happened next, when she looked through the window to the tree standing there, to the birds singing gleefully, where the realisation hit, Regulus never lived in that house with her, he never knew what her home looked like, he never looked through that window with her in the morning. He never did and never will. 

She didn't tell Lily of how upon realising Regulus was not there, nor on her bed, she could not hold it any longer. She broke the teacups, the plates and a vase of fresh flowers she got especially for the day. 

Because it did not matter, she was alone now. Regulus was gone.

He’d been gone for months, but she was too stupid to accept it.

She might as well face the reality now.

“What is she doing here?” exclaimed Sirius as he entered the room, his eyes could only focus on Selene Snape’s figure sitting on the dining table. James, Peter, Remus and he just entered the house, they had been having a blast at Sirius bachelor’s floor and were soon enough summoned by Dumbledore to meet him at James’ place. They had only just entered when he saw her shadow by the corner of his eye. He immediately knew that the one sitting there was his -supposed to be- sworn enemy, even though the rest of his companions didn’t notice the presence of the woman on James’s house in such an easy way, and stood dumbfounded in the entrance as their mate stumbled towards the room he claimed the woman was in. Standing still as he focused his eyes upon her. The open window at her back let in a dim ray of daylight that illuminated her hair giving the black-headed woman a faint halo, the wind blew softly, carrying the drapes with it, white cotton curtains that surrounded her slim figure. Her hair, not at all greasy as he remembered, but with a silky appearance now, caressed her cheeks gently as it danced in the air. She appeared to be more like an angel than a human being. An ethereal looking creature that decided to bless them with her presence; with her beauty. Her eyes fixated on him, red dimmed and filled with anger, her fury towards him made him trumble yet Sirius couldn’t scrape the feeling that he had just witnessed something devine.

Just next to her Dumbledore sat. While Dumbledore was on her right Lily was at her left, holding Snape’s hand tightly, almost as if she was scared of the raven head running away. 

Running away from him.

Remus was standing next to the door and was the first to get closer to him, James walked slowly towards his wife’s side, tentatively, scared and alert, in case of the ex-slytherin doing something to them. James glanced nervously towards Sirius, begging him to not do anything. Peter didn’t move from the entrance, too terrified of Snape to make any movement. 

“Sirius, Selene came to help us.” Lily enunciated, serious. Her green eyes fierce, expecting his displeasure; his anger. After knowing about Snape’s betrothal to Regulus, mentioning any of those names became taboo among their group of friends. Even if Sirius missed his brother as much as he knew Lily missed Snape, they both despised the ones their friend loved the most.

The emptiness in Sirius's eyes was the same as Lily’s, the abandonment they both endured. 

A self inflicted abandonment.

If Sirius would’ve stopped teasing Snape as much as he did, he could’ve continued talking to his brother when both were still studying, maybe he could even convince him to not follow their parents wishes. But that would’ve happened only if Sirius didn’t distance himself from his brother. And that happened the moment Regulus was chosen as a slytherin.

Help them.

Snape wanted to help them?

She, who trapped Regulus in her claws and dragged him down with her. For the both of them to descend in the madness of the world that death eaters were trying desperately to create.

And she dared to sit in front of them, in front of his mates, in front of Lily, in front of Dumbledore, for Merlin’s sake, and tell them she was on their side? On the right side!?

Couldn't she just make her mind earlier in life instead of leading his younger brother to a certain death?

Her furious eyes didn’t stray away from him, her back was tense and brow furrowed. An angel he had thought of her for only a moment, then he remembered what she truly was.

Death.

“Help us!? Help us the same way she got my brother killed?” His screams echoed in the room, his hand pointing at her accusingly. Sirius paid no mind to Dumbledore’s exasperated visage, nor Remus' anxious stare, his eyes were fixed on the one who had been the downfall of his brother, his ill fate, his curse; the one who Sirius was sure would curse him with the same kind of luck, if Sirius ever gave her the chance. Snape’s eyes crystalised, filled with unshed tears. She looked so fragile right now, so broken, yet so infuriated. Sirius didn’t care. Lily tried to talk over him, her face red with anger, her hands still not leaving her friend’s, but Sirius wouldn’t let her, he could not accept it, “Are you truly going to trust Snape knowing everything she has done?”

“And what I’ve done, you half wit!?” Sirius hadn’t heard her voice in years, it had the same effect in his body than when he was but a tween. The same effect it had when he first met her on the train starting Hogwarts, the same effect when he just realised the danger she carried within her. It made him tremble, from his head to his toes, it constricted his heart and made him needy, a need he never dared to name. “I did not get your brother killed, I don’t even know how you came to that stupid conclusion! I was not even there when he was killed! Kreacher was the one to tell me what happened!” It wasn’t unlikely of Snape to slash out, many times he had driven her out of her mind, making her yell at him in anger. But never before she seemed to be exposed while doing it. “I can only assume that the monster you both have for a mother told you such a thing. I am right!?” Sirius's silence gave her the answer, she smiled, a wicked grin that expelled everything but humour, her brows were frowned and her hands trembled ever so slightly. She tried to hide it by having them firmly placed on the table, but it didn't work. “It could only take an asshole such as you to believe anything that woman speaks. And after she kicked you out? Are you still going to trust mommy's words?” She was going to continue and Sirius was going to retaliate, but Dumbledore stood from the chair and shut them both.

Snape seated immediately when the headmaster turned towards her direction, ashamed she hid her face behind her left hand, as if she were a child chastised by her parents. She had never behaved in that way before, not even with Dumbledore himself. Always stood and looked straight at the man, defiantly. Even when he threatened to expel her after a particularly bad altercation with a werewolf during fifth year.

What had Dumbledore done to make Selene Snape submissive?

“Mister Black, I understand your aversion for Miss Snape given your past with her. But right now she is my protegee, she had been a valious support for the Order, because of her discretion amongst the Death Eaters. I had no desire to expose her position in such a way, nevertheless, a situation occurred and now we are here.” Snape raised her shoulders in discomfort, hiding her head between them, ashamed of what she’ve done.

“I highly doubt that Snape had been-”

“Sirius!” Lily’s angry voice called him out, she was still holding Snape’s hand, while her eyes focused on him, angry emerald orbs focused on only him.

He looked around the room, impatient, just then noticing the presence of Alastor Moody leaning on one of the walls, yet he was unbothered by the discussion. He will be quite surprised if Moody turned to be supporting Snape in any type of way, just as Lily and Dumbledore appeared to be doing. He turned back to look at his mates, James still looked at her warily, and Peter seemed just petrified. Remus on the other hand just appeared to be uncomfortable.

“I do not mean to distrust you, Albus. But how can we trust this chit if she is in all means a death eater?” Moody’s voice was calm yet weary, he hadn’t met Snape before and now stood in a small counsel that told him to trust a death eater. Even with Dumbledore at present the idea seemed ridiculous.

Remus spoke next, facing Moddy and trying to explain the situation, his voice barely audible for all. Almost afraid of everyone’s reaction. “Snape did save Lily from an attack while you were gone.  We were attacked by some Death Eaters whilst we were at Fallmouth, Snape had tried to contact Dumbledore to warn him of the attack but the message couldn’t get to him. So we were amidst cross fire. We fought them, since we were the only mages around, but one of them focused on Lily, who we tried to hide. Snape was quick enough to divert the attack and take Lily away. They all went away just after.” Sirius looked at Remus, a sense of betrayal rising up his chest.

“Yeah, yeah, she helped Evans. But that doesn’t mean she will help us! Don’t you remember she was the one to fucking eject me towards a freaking building!?” Sirius looked around, still unsure of what to do or say.

It was the most unlikely of them all who spoke this time, James looked bashful, as if he dreaded speaking a single word in favour of Snape, still, truth demanded him to. “Apparently, it was to get you out of the way, Remus and I saw the whole thing and we can attest it was like that. If Snape wouldn’t have intervened- You might probably have been killed.” 

Sirius stood silent, unable to defend his case any further, Lily still looked at him with anger yet Snape seemed to have calmed down, still, her eyes defied him.

It was Dumbledore’s turn to talk, to explain the situation, and he told them all.

All around Regulus’s death, about the horcruxes. He felt his chest hurt by the thought, it had been less than a year yet it was just as painful to think about him. Snape’s eyes watered even more by the mention of Reg, she did not cry though. Too proud for doing so, he guessed.

He also told about Snape’s work helping the Order, about her important role as a spy. And now, being the only ones to know about Snape’s circumstances, they will make Godric’s Hollow the reunion place with her. “It was never my intention for you to know about Miss Snape's role in the war. But the situation needs to be explained. She almost blew her cover because of your presence.” He said as he turned to look at Lily. “Let's not let that happen again.” He claimed with a smile, James and the rest felt reassured by his words in some way, but Sirius nor James were totally comfortable with the presence of the woman back in their lives, although for different reasons. “We decided to inform you, Alastor, about Miss Snape simply because of your abilities. Selene is a really capable witch, yet we fear that if the two of you might encounter each other we wouldn’t be able to have a winner. But if in exchange, you both are aware of the other’s alliances, everything would become simpler.”

The old man simply nodded in agreement, if he had any refusal he would communicate it directly to Dumbledore, alone.

“You cannot be serious! James, Harry is going to be born soon, do you really want a death eater around your son?” In all means, even if he said it out of anger, his distrust was well meant, none of them but Lily actually trusted Snape, why would they give her such a power over them? 

“No. I-” James started to speak, panicked by the implicances, yet was quickly silenced.

“James! We already discussed this!” Lily screamed at her husband, anger never left her features in the whole exchange, and now it was directed at the one with unruly hair. James wasn’t happy with having to trust someone who would by all means be so able to betray him, and neither was Sirius. They were enemies for Merlin’s sake, yet James his mouth shut where Sirius didn’t. 

Sirius stormed out the house, feeling insulted for not being listened to. The echo of the slammed door stayed with the rest for a moment.

“Don’t mind him, Sel” Lily’s soft voice whispered

Selene paid no mind. It was the first time Dumbledore defended her against her tormentors, anyway.

Chapter Text

1980

Only three days after Harry was born Selene was able to meet him.

Lily and the marauders had gone to the hospital in a hurry,  they didn’t care to let Selene know, even if she had stayed beside Lily for months now, their friendship restored. Apparently the birth had been difficult and quite painful for her, the baby was in good condition yet her friend was still in intensive care.

Many times over the past months Selene had become too occupied with the dark lord’s commands to be able to see her friend, days before Harry’s birth the same happened. She had been almost literally chained to the lab the dark lord and Lucius prepared for her on Malfoy’s Manor, having to prepare a bunch of potions the dark lord needed for an inside job, one that Selene already told Dumbledore about.

It was tiring, as much as she loved potions, doing them for days with no rest was quite a nightmare, and her master became more demanding of her work after his return of foreign lands. 

He was more hostile towards her, more distanced, to put it in simple words, he was treating her the way he did everyone else, it disturbed her. Not because she enjoyed in any way his attention, but because Dumbledore became unreslest under her new circumstances, the information she gathered now was scant compared to what she could gather under Voldemort’s tortuous caresses; she had become incompetent, worthless.

His sexual appetites were now fulfilled by Bellatrix, even under her husband's gaze they both would enter a secluded room and do what anyone could expect them to do. In a certain way she believed him to be playing with her, anytime Selene was called to his office Bellatrix would be there, he would give her trivial tasks that needed nothing more than a note delivered by a house elf, but instead he would demand her to be at his presence, to witness the way he brushed the older Black cousin’s shoulders, the way she would fondle her body over his. He would watch Selene whilst she did it, expecting any kind of reaction.

But then she will give her none, and furious he will dismiss her.

It was his new strategy, to wait for her to act on jealousy, to throw herself onto his arms and demand her position to be restored.

Selene did not dare to illustrate Dumbledore on her beliefs, terrified of what he might ask of her if she revealed them. Would he ask her to sleep with the dark lord? To disarm herself in such a way for Lord Voldemort to possess her? And what for? A piece of information she might secure just by talking to Lucius?

It was selfish of her, to not want to give in, to not want to undress herself to secure other’s safety over her dignity.

Yet, she allowed herself to be selfish, at least for now.

The baby boy laid in a small crate among many other people’s babies, there was no need for her to ask which one was Lily’s.

Harry was a disappointment.

He had been alive for three days and he already made her heart burn. 

He was the image of his father, dark unruly hair adorned his little head, his cheeks, his brows and even his chin was the same as the man she hated so much. The one who looked at her warily anytime she stood close to his wife, afraid of her actions, of her retaliations of all the damage he had caused her when they were younger.

The discomfort grew in her chest, because even if this child was Lily’s, for the first time Selene realised that it was Potter’s too.

The distress in her heart grew as she took in the little baby features, how could she even dare to look at this child without feeling betrayed? How could she see him grow and not feel the anger she felt towards his father?

It was uncalled for, he had done nothing and still looking at him caused her anguish.

But when his pretty green eyes flicker, searching around the room with the amazement of a newborn, Selene’s resolution finally flourished. Harry was not his father, and he wasn’t Lily either, and those green eyes in that pretty little face confirmed her so.

“He’s beautiful” her voice soft, only meant for her, yet Lupin at her side nodded, grateful for the approval. 

“I want you to be his godmother” said Lily the moment she woke up, she had been out of intensive care for a couple of days now, but everytime Selene visited she had been too tired and sleepy to see her, or at least that was what Potter said, his face unable to hide his lie. Now was the first time Selene was able to actually see her friend, Potter and the rest had been summoned by Dumbledore, Lupin was the only one left behind, and the one who allowed her to enter the room where Lily slept in.

She seemed tired, her hair tousled and greasy, eyebags around her pretty green eyes. The same as her son. Even if she hadn’t been able to see her friend, she saw Harry everyday for the past week, Lupin making sure to infiltrate her when Potter wasn’t around. 

It was strange how much she cared about this child even if he wasn’t able to recognize her yet, the same love she harboured for little Draco she carried for Harry. 

She was never going to be a mother now, but she still had two babies to take care of, to love, to protect.

Being Harry’s godmother was even more surprising than when she became Draco’s. Selene was a dear friend to both Malfoy’s, but knew Potter had no type of warm feelings for her.

“I assume you’re asking me against your husband's wishes?”

“I’m not asking.” Selene chuckled, it was so Lily just to demand something of her, to not care about anyone's wishes but her own. 

“Even if you’re forcing me to, I will oblige. I will be delighted to be Harry’s godmother.”

“Good.” Her smile was gentle, her eyes shined with love. 

Her friend had endured childlabour and then intensive care for several days and yet appeared to be an angelic apparition. And Selene knew she was biassed because of her feelings for her, yet she did not care.

She was glad to have Lily in her life again, knowing how much they missed each other. 

Selene kissed her hand and rubbed between her own before talking again. It was hard to express oneself when the heart was so filled with love.

Dumbledore had always been a bit odd. With his flamboyant robes, his predisposition to weird tasting teas and lemon sweets, he was by all means weird. Yet Sirius still believed him to be a genius, so when he asked him to join the Death Eaters as a spy he didn’t think twice before accepting.

At least until the older man demanded him to train his abilities with Snape before sending him to the snake pit.

“Protect your mind, you moron! Or do you want all of our secrets to unfold just because you cannot learn a thing!” Just as he expected, Snape was a demanding teacher, and she was becoming more and more exasperated given his lack of previous preparation in the art of occlumency. “The dark lord will scramble your feeble mind in seconds! Do you think he’ll go easy on you just because you’re the Oh so great Sirius Black? He will destroy you! He will enter to your mind and torture you only for you to beg for mercy before it is the end.”

They had been trying for hours, everytime Snape got inside his mind he was unable to do a thing, she searched inside his mind, dissected his memories without care, even laughing in his face when a particular heartwarming memory unfolded. Snarling at the view of Sirius meeting James on the train, a disgusted face when he went to his first concert, a bored expression when he finally bought his motorcycle. 

His life, his whole being was being shown to her without defence and her only reaction was to look down at it, as if the sweet moments of his life could only make her cringe.

“It’s because you’re a terrible teacher, haven’t you thought about it?” He was tired, done, her lack of empathy angered him, her aura of superiority had him on his last nerve.

Dumbledore had asked this of him, yet how could he make it happen when she was the one training him in this?

He had been distracted, he granted her that, everytime she unfolded a particularly sour memory she’ll laugh at him and in retribution he needed to mock her too, anything would do, her teaching style, her haircut, the way she enunciated every word of every spell, the way her long dainty fingers grasped her wand- He forbid himself to go down that path, scared of her seeing in his mind any trace of his desire.

She could know his hatred yet not his lustfulness.

“More likely is that you’re a complete imbecile, little Harry would have more success in this than you!” She was tired of him, her exasperation only grew by his incapacity. Day after day they had met and still there were no signs of Sirius improving. Sighing, she turned away from him, massaging her temple in an attempt to control her rage. “You are an open book, Black. Not only is your mind surprisingly easy to explore, but your whole face tells everyone what you feel. How will you keep a straight face when the dark lord tells you all about the purity of race, of his higher station, how will you refrain from laughing when you’ll see your cousins, even your parents liking his boots just because he tells them the right thing?” Her voice was coarse, her countenance angry and annoyed, but Sirius couldn’t be more enthralled by her. He detested her, her mere presence irritated him to a point he was unable to fully comprehend, but her words weren’t just poison, for the first time he understood; she worried. This was not because of her being discovered, and he was certain she cared nothing about him. This was bigger than the two of them, it meant his friends safety, the muggle world’s safety, and probably what mattered the most for her, Lily and Harry’s wellbeing.  She was annoyed by him not just for the sake of it, but because what he now did could be the end of all of them. Finally he understood her, finally they had the same goal. “More importantly, how are you going to do the same when you can’t even pretend you want to learn occlumency?”

She was right, he wasn’t trying his best because he never had to. He was smart, the type of smart that didn’t have to study as much as her, the one who appeared not to pay attention in class only to excel in any assignment the professors demanded. 

That was his thing, being careless and still thriving, only it will not work this time.

“Let’s try it again.” She was surprised by the seriousness in his tone, his avoidance of arguing with her as he would most likely would have done under any other circumstances, the way he did all the days before this. Still, she said nothing, she prepared her stance, that ridiculously alluring pose she did anytime she casted a particularly difficult spell.

“Legillimens” 

She entered his mind without further ado, they were at Hogwarts again, in a classroom they both knew so well. 

Sirius saw her younger self in the centre of the class, leaning into her cauldron as she poured some ingredients to it. Amortentia, Sirius remembered, the time Slughorn made them prepare it and Lily almost screamed, irritated by her inability to brew it. The same time both he and James sniffed their cauldron to see what they would smell.

How James’ was ginger, as expected. And how Sirius almost freak out realising his was a combination between eucalyptus and lavender.

He remembered all so clearly, how James and he were eavesdropping on Snape and Lily’s conversation, on how the redhead said out loud how much she liked Snape’s known shampoo, a concoction of her own. One she prepared retrieving eucalyptus and lavender from the forbidden forest. 

Selene stood behind his younger self, moments before he would whisper his discovery.

Scared of being discovered, he changed the picture, they were no longer inside the memory of the cauldrons, although they appeared to be in Hogwarts still.

This time was in another classroom, a secluded one. Darkness surrounded them, it was late.

They both heard the laboured breathing, the sound of bodies meeting, the distinguished sound of a member finding his way inside a female body.

Sirius did not want to go there, to such an embarrassing memory, the night he met a ravenclaw girl whose name he had forgotten in an abandoned classroom on the third floor just for a late night rendezvous. But he guessed Snape would be more embarrassed by it, her seeing him naked was nothing compared to him realising his conflicted feelings. 

Both memories were from the same day, he had had sex with the other girl just to take his mind away from Snape. From the way she had put her hair on a ponytail during class, leaving her white neck into full view, seeing drops of sweat down that porcelain plinth of flesh. His body shivered, and his carnal desires needed to be taken care of.

She outed her mind, her face more angered than he had ever seen it before. Her face red but not from her fury but from embarrassment.

“You-!”

“Hey, hey! You told me to control my mind! I did! I made you uncomfortable did I not?”

She seemed taken aback from his words. “You did it on purpose?”

“Duh.”

“Well done, then. If you cannot completely protect your mind you could as well divert his attention.” She was uncomfortable, still embarrassed for what she just witnessed. “Still, I do not believe the dark lord would be swayed by your little games-” She coughed, trying to gain her composure back. “I guess that's all for today, at least you have improved a little.”

“Why would you involve him in this?” Her cup of tea was of some particular shade of green, she had never been a fan of green tea, it did not matte how much sugar she put in it, it always tasted bitter.

“Mister Black could be a good aid to you, you’re way too occupied and that made you restless.” He sipped his cup, making a strange face after tasting the brew. Selene pushed her cup a little further away, if Dumbledore with his extrange taste didn’t like it, she doubted someone like her would like it, she who preferred sweet treats more than anything. “We cannot afford to make any mistakes at this point.”

“I might have put everything at risk one time, but that is in the past now, why are you punishing me now?” her voice broke a little, as always did when she felt rejected by Dumbledore.

“Oh, my sweet girl, I'm not punishing you, I just need you to be safe. You need someone to take care of yourself too.”

“You take care of me.”

“It is not the same.” he tenderly caressed her cheek. His touch was gentle, of a father. She wondered many times how things would’ve been if he had been this soft to her before, if he had extended his hand to her in her younger years. “I'm doing everything I can to keep all of us safe, but you’re in constant danger, Selene.”

“You know how irrational he can be.”

“Mister Black can control himself when its important and-”

“I'm not talking about him.” She looked up to him, big black eyes filled with terror. “What if he does something to him? He doesn’t trust easily, and maybe if he sees Black way too close to me he-”

“That is something Mister Black is aware of, and willing to take the risk.”

But Selene did wonder if Black truly knew the implications.

Chapter Text

Water surrounded her, it was calm . S oft rays of sunshine illuminated her face, submerged in the water as she was, she felt weightless, serene. More at peace than she had been in the longest time.

Bubbles passed next to her, she turned back, searching for their origin.

She was alone, she had been alone.

A limp body laid on the bottom of the ocean she was in, a pale face, bloated and rotten looked at her direction. Regulus’ grey eyes were looking straight into her soul. Sand partially covered his body, barnacles adhered themselves to his skin, his hair danced at the rhythm of the waves as if it were seaweed.

He was dead, yet he was not, not when his eyes moved around, following her frame. Not when his mouth opened wide, screaming.

A deaf scream the water forbid her to hear.

She tried to swim to him, to bring him to her, to hug him the way her heart aches to do. But she could not, it did not matter how much she tried, how much she moved her arms and legs, she appeared to be stuck in place, glued to that little space in the universe.

Selene screamed, tried to call on him, but she couldn’t utter a word, water was filling her lungs.

She woke up, coughing in a way her chest and back hurt like hell.

She was on her bed, a cold ray of lights filtered from the window, she hadn’t even bothered to close the drapes the night before. It was snowing, probably the last snow of the season, for its flakes melted the moment they met the floor.

Selene felt her beating heart on her ears, and the constricted ache of seeing the one she loved again.

But the face she saw, buried deep in the sea, was not of her beloved Regulus.

Because Regulus didn’t have that strong jaw, nor those unkempt brows. He didn’t have that foxy looking smirk.

It was his brother, the one she saw.

Sirius plagued her mind like the pest he was.

She laid awake, unmoved for a moment, just staring at the canopy of her bed, thinking, or trying to.

Selene passed the last months training Black on the arts of occlumency, which in some sense made her accustomed to his face, even if she had the urge to punch him most of the time. But having mistook him with Regulus, was a type of perfidiousness she had never believed herself capable of, not even in her dreams.

She sat, angered at herself, rubbing her face violently with her palms, trying to erase the remnants of her imagination. His face lingering behind her close eyelids, his frame, buried in the sand, his corpse being the refugee of parasites.

Was hers a premonitory dream?

Was Sirius destined to suffer his brother's fate?

An uncomfort she didn’t dare to name rose on her chest, constricting her lungs. The thought of Sirius Black suffering brought her a ridiculous amount of discomfort, even against her own judgement.

More annoyed than anything, she discarded the thought, standing from her bed she directed her body to her bureau, where she kept a photo of Regulus in a little frame.

She didn’t cry now when looking at it. She had stored deep in her soul all the love she had for him, all the warmth she felt at his side, but when she looked at his face, even in that little photo she snarled from Grimmauld place, she could feel it rising up again; her heart beating as if she were alive again.

Selene pulled the photo out of the frame, carefully placing it in a little etui she always carried in the inner pockets of her garments. Making sure to carry Regulus close to her heart.

“She had been helping me, you know?” Said Remus, his tone neutral and uninterested, yet he was looking at Sirius intently, expecting the exaggerated reaction he was sure Sirius will have. They were packing some of his things to take out of his flat and into his parent’s place. Coming back to Grimmauld Place was something the once again Black heir never expected to, yet as a good soldier, he obeyed Dumbledore’s commands. Sometimes more eagerly than he should when they were related to a certain woman they both knew. “Selene.”

As expected, Sirius turned his head to him, Remus wondered if he had hurt his neck in the process, grey eyes looking at him intently, daring him to talk, to call out that name so fondly again.

Something inside of Sirius’ chest stirred up, uncomfortable, the Black heir grabbed his shirt from its collar, in a fruitless attempt to soften the pain chest. Since when Snape, Snivelen, the chit they all so blatantly hated became this Selene? Since when Remus breathed her name like a hymn instead of the curse Sirius was so sure she was?

His friend saw the conflicted look in his face, yet believed him to be wondering about the meaning of his words, not the sudden realisation that Selene had been around Remus long enough for him to talk about her in such a simplistic way, such confidence that one could only find in friends- and perhaps something more. “She sends the potion every month, she has been providing me with it for almost a year, I think. She believes I don't know she’s the one making them, but I know.”

“Why would she do that?” The confusion was palpable in his words. “She doesn't even like you.” The harshness in his words changed immediately the hopeful and caring features in Remus’ face, turning it to something akin to horror. Sirius couldn’t say he regretted uttering them, not when the jealousy he was so unsuccessfully hiding took control over his emotions.

Yes, because if Selene didn’t like him , she couldn't like anybody.

Evans was an exception, the deepness in their relationship could only be compared to Sirius and James’ so he didn’t dwell too much on that.

But Selene, his Selene, the one who gave everyone an indifferent look, the one who snarled at you at any given opportunity. That Selene could not harbour feelings for anybody.

For anybody but him.

Later he would feel bad for being so vile to Moony, he didn’t take pride of being shitty towards his friends, yet as always, anything related to Selene made his blood boil.

“I don’t know why… She just does it.” Sirius features hardened. “We were friends once, for the shortest time. Before-”

“Before what?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, my point is-”

“It does. It matters to me.” He crossed his arms now, a clear sign of his unwillingness to listen. The barrier was up. “Why am I just hearing about this now? What do you even mean you have been friends before?”

“What I tried to say, Sirius. I ask you to treat her with kindness- We are not at Hogwarts anymore, you can’t just go-” He stopped himself, regretting the words he was going to say.

“Stop avoiding the question!” Sirius’ shout stopped Remus' line of thought, outraged by the implication that he , Sirius Black, was incapacitated, or obliged, to not do something with Selene, to Selene. And at the same time that Remus of all people knew more about her than him; he who has spent the last several months training with her, he who endured every single insult that came out of her lips, the one so mesmerised with her big black eyes that he sometimes forgot what he was about to say.

He didn’t even know what his friend was referring to, but the whole idea just appeared to be irrational.

“Just forget it, Padfoot. You’re being ridiculous.”

 “Moony-”

“I will not talk to you when you’re being like this!”

But Sirius didn’t let it go, didn’t let the conversation lay there, because he couldn’t, he refused to be left in the dark when it came to her. “Tell me what I cannot do when it comes to Snape.” 

Remus sighed, annoyed, he looked at the door pondering if he could escape the situation. This was the reason Sirius could never be reprimanded, he always rose his walls without even realising it, slashing at everyone who dared to contradict him. Many times he wondered if it was because of the way his parents raised him, with so much brutality and inconsideration. He never liked to talk about it, but being so many years around each other was enough time to understand the bigger picture given the small snippets of his childhood memories. Sirius read his mind, covering the door with his body, refusing to let him fly away from conflict. “You cannot continue to pull the hair of the girl you like. We are not childrens anymore, Sirius.”

“I think you have finally lost it, Moony. You think I feel something for Snape- Me?” His uncomfortable laughter made him look like a mad man, uncrossing and then crossing his arms again in a defensive pose, as if guarding his own heart.

“Don’t play dumb, I’ve known it for the longest time, and I’m pretty sure Lily knows too.”

Sirius kept silent, his mind wondering if to continue with the farce he almost convinced himself of or come clean; he avoided it, telling the truth wouldn’t help him either way.

“I’ve- I’ve never done any harm to Snape, Moony. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Sending her to the shrieking shack during the full moon was you trying to keep her away from harm, then?” He looked annoyed at this point, how many years will pass until Sirius finally accepts his wrongdoings?

“Ah, that . I’ve quite forgotten about that.”

But he hadn’t, not when the memory haunted him since the day it happened, how his harsh words made her cry, and how those teary eyes frequented his dreams. Most of the time making him feel regret, on how awful he had been. Other times the same teary eyes were looking at him differently, filled with a sentiment that had never been directed at him by her; lust. 

He wondered if the body he often imagined was similar to her true self, the one she covered with wide robes and black long gowns. If her lips were as soft as the ones he fantasised about, if her body would be as welcoming as the one he dreamt of.

But he was delusional, because what he had done in school, all the harsh words, the messed up pranks, all the borderline abusive things he and James had done to her, they could never be erased from her memory, and he knew how it tortured her too.

He remembers everything with the utmost detail when it comes to her, but the thing that will never get out of his head will be the way she reacted to him their first occlumency lesson. On how mad he was when she entered his mind without proper protocol, on how he started screaming at her and she to him, on how his body was too close and she came closer too, on the way his hair covered his eyes, not letting him take a good look at her flustered face. On the way she flinched when he raised his hand; he didn’t mean to scare her, he just wanted to see her while they were fighting, he just needed to get his hair out of the way so he could take a good look at her precious face.

But the damage was done, and she was quick enough to take her frightened expression out of her face.

How much harm would he continue to do to her?

Even after their continuous fights about Sirius incapacity to learn a thing, he did improve quickly. Soon enough he was able to block Selene completely out of his mind. It wasn't a big surprise, after all, Sirius had always been considered a prodigy, a quick learner, a talented wizard who didn't quite take life seriously. 

He knew that was his biggest weakness, his inability to take things seriously. But everything in his life had been way too serious, way too dark, way too harsh for the boy he used to be, the boy he was before Hogwarts. He felt free for the first time ever when entering the castle, when he met James, when he was with the marauders, he was accepted in a way his family never could, he was not the shameful boy who could never perform the way his mother wanted him to, he was the coveted loverboy, the popular quidditch player, the lad who had good grades even when he mostly occupied his time making out with girls he barely knew in secluded classrooms.

And he continued to be that boy, for the longest time. He never realised how unfair he was to everyone around him; the way he never accepted to grow up, to mature enough to face the consequences of his own actions and the circumstances of the world. He couldn’t face the death eaters with silly pranks, expecting that later Dumbledore will come to his defence, as he used to. 

He was commanded to come back to his parents, in order to introduce himself to the death eaters, being in his parents' good graces seemed to be the simplest way, and it turned out that it was.

Mayhaps was Regulus' absence, or just because his father was condemned to spend the majority of his time with his mother, but when he visited the first time, Orion Black received him with open arms. If he were a normal person he might have believed his father would have hugged him, but he did not, yet he seemed delighted with his presence.

It was more than anything, strange to come back, to be in his room again. They had cleaned deeply after his departure, taking out his band posters and more than one naked lady he hung around. His mother's presence was as asphyxiating as he remembered, but even she looked pleased with his presence.

“Finally I have my boy back.” she said that time, emotion filling her cool face. Sirius wondered if she had mistook him for Regulus.

Six months after Harry’s birth, Sirius was on his first ever death eater reunion.

Almost all the attendances were related to him by blood, with the almost solely exception of Selene, who was relegated to the darkest corner of the room, whether by her own doing or by silent complicity he did not know.

Sirius didn’t think too much about it when he located himself next to her, he had become used to her presence, judging him most of the time, but still, her presence amongst all of the others, family of his or not, calmed him. Reminded him why he couldn’t just walk away from this.

Selene looked back at him, indifferent, before making an annoyed sound, one he hadn’t heard in months, had he done something wrong?

He was about to ask when Narcissa appeared out of nowhere with her baby boy. Draco was his name, yet he hadn’t had the chance to meet him before this. “There you are, Selene!” She situated her body between his and Selene, raising a barrier between them. “Your godson wanted to say hello.”

Sirius's stupefied expression was a sight to behold, and Selene would have definitely laughed at him if it weren’t because she was too focused on the boy. Without delay, she extended her arms at the blonde woman, taking the baby out of her arms and into hers. Sirius' confusion about Narcissa telling Selene about her godson when Harry was nowhere around immediately dissipated as she held the blond baby in her arms. She cradled the kid with the same care she did with little Harry, kissing him softly in his forehead, and the baby relished the love the woman was showing to him.

He might have been too enthralled by the view, of how Selene’s cheeks immediately coloured in pink, on how the baby looked so right in her arms, on how her face, always so cold, so hard softened immediately at the sight of the infant. But he didn’t notice the way Narcissa was looking at him, or how her hair crisped by his expression.

Jealousy and yearning mixed inside of him, jealous of a babe for making Selene so happy, and yearning something he couldn’t quite name yet.

The warm moment was interrupted by the sudden arrival of the dark lord, who immediately upon arrival approached where Selene was standing, still with the babe in her arms. But instead of directing his words at the woman, the man talked to him.

“Ah, so the prodigal son came back.”

“Yes, my lord. I’ve realised I cannot stand to be away from my family.” The lie tasted bitter on his lips, yet somehow it wasn’t a complete lie, he wanted to be there, yet not for his family, he couldn’t care less for any of them, the only one in the whole room he care for was standing at his side, holding a baby that wasn’t hers. “Saldy, I needed a harsh reminder of it.”

The dark lord’s laughter echoed in the room, relaxing everyone around. Everyone but Selene. She kept her indifferent stare, but Sirius knew her, he could tell her feelings of despair just by the way her eyes were fixated on Voldemort. “Well, son, I’m glad that you came back to us.” he tapped Sirius shoulder as an uncomfortable act of familiarity, his words were kind but his tone didn’t match them, he seemed more annoyed than anything with his presence, he mostly looked at Selene during their interaction than at Sirius himself.

“Ah, and who is this new recruit?” He said when turning to Selene, his words now filled with feeling, playful as if told to a friend.

“You have met him already, my lord. This is Draco Malfoy.” Selene had no intention in showing off the baby, she kept him right where he was, hiding his little face in Selene’s neck. Narcissa stood next to them, anxiously playing with her fingernails yet discreet enough for only Sirius to notice. If she didn’t want her offspring to be next to the dark lord,  why did she bring the boy then?

Was it a reminder? To remind Selene of her alliances to them?

It was ludicrous.

“You have to forgive this man for not keeping up with all his followers, Selene .” he savoured the annunciation of her name, saying every syllable with the utmost care. Se-le-ne, as if no poetry could compare to it. “It might have been the precious sight that compels me to forget.” He looked her in the eyes, and she met his. She didn’t give away a thing, if the compliment reached her it was a mystery, if she was disgusted by it was uncertain. The dark lord did not hide his feeling, his need, his lust, palpable in the air, so much it made all the death eaters around them uncomfortable, looking at each other with annoyance. 

Sirius' outrage was about to get out of his chest, to scream, to grab this man from the shoulders and to just kick him in the guts, but he did nothing, since another’s rage was even more mercurial than his. “My lord! shouldn’t we start the meeting?” Bellatrix’s words came out in a strangled type of yell, her face red, angered by the situation he was witnessing.

“Ugh.” Came out the man’s mouth, not caring if he was heard. “Let us continue then.”

That was the night when Sirius got his mark, the snake and skull engraved in his arm forever. He wondered if he could cover it later, when all of this was done, if simple muggle ink could do the job. He turned to see Selene after the meeting, waiting for the both of them to leave together, yet he was stopped in his tracks by none other than Lucius Malfoy, who placed a delicate hand in his shoulder.

“May I ask, what do you think you’re doing?”

“I was after her-” 

“Yes, that’s what I mean. What do you think you’re doing?” He hadn't talked to Lucius Malfoy in years, he wasn’t there to witness him marrying his cousin, nor when his baby was born. The last time they ever spoke to each other was when they were both still at Hogwarts, Sirius in second year still, just after he made Selene cry for the first time, the time when they started calling her names. Lucius had interfered, threatening Sirius with something he didn’t quite recall if he continued to torment the girl; he stopped for a few months until Lucius graduated. “She’s been summoned, you cannot go bother them.”

Sirius did not know what to say. For the first time in the whole evening he realised he couldn’t just speak to Selene as he usually did. For everyone around them they still hated each other, and weren’t bound to respect the other by an old man commanding them to. It probably seemed odd for all of them the familiarity in which they stood next to each other. 

The meeting was over and Selene wondered if she was quick enough to leave without being noticed, but her luck as bad as it was did not accompany her, the dark lord’s eyes were fixated on her. “Selene.” He didn’t need to say anything more, his command was obvious. Selene as quickly as she could without having to run followed him to his office, leaving a flabbergasted Black behind. 

As the door closed behind her, she could see Sirius' grey eyes staring at her, worried about her. “I see your taste hasn't changed.” The man’s words were soft yet mocking, he was not looking at her, his way of throwing a tantrum, his way of telling her he was disappointed.

“I beg your pardon, my lord?”

“Do not play dumb, Selene. We both know you are not.”

“I might be mistaken, my lord. But my taste in men is only of my interest. Is it not?”

“It might be.” He crossed the room then, closing the distance between them, holding her waist with his right hand, grabbing it to the point she noticed a ring on his finger that hadn’t been there before, it would leave a mark, a bruise, the evidence of his caresses . “Yet I am the one to approve your lovers, Selene. Do not forget it” He leaned down to kiss her, but not on the lips, nor on her cheek. He went directly to her neck, where the fabric of her dress didn’t reach. He licked her then, his long tongue enjoying his time against her skin. “I dare say, Selene, that seeing you with a child had never been in my wishlist, yet it had been the cherry on top of the night.”

“Were you displeased with me holding him?”

“Oh no, you misunderstand me.” His chuckles reverberated on her neck, his breathing making her tremble, she could feel his smile widening against her skin. “It might have been the best thing to ever happen. I have never thought about me being the fatherly type until now.”

Selene made everything in her power to not panic, to not let him see her agitation, her terror. She felt a screaming fighting its way up, the not so well contained shivers down her spine wanting to surge, the tears gathering in her eyes, desperate to flood. 

“What if I put a baby on you, Selene?” 

Chapter Text

January, 1981

“My lord.” It was the first time that Selene purposely put distance between the man that was her master and herself. He had to right himself, her shoulders no longer being at his reach, yet his hands held her waist tightly, he couldn’t let go. “You jest, don’t you?”

Her barely contained horror made him laugh. “Ah, I see the idea doesn’t ignite excitement out of you.” Tom did not control the amalgamate of feelings plastered in his face, flowing between disappointment to amusement, he did not take precautions when being alone with Selene, he wanted her to see all of him, all his feelings, all his phases, all his being. Selene knew how keen he was to exasperate her, to make her tremble. He desired to stir up the feelings she kept locked in, to see her fail, to expose her heart to him in a way she would never dare to, and definitely didn’t want to. It did not mean his words were untrue, he desired her. He was just waiting for her, for her to come willingly into his arms. To undress not only her body but her soul to him; to bare her chest, her heart and let him squeeze it in his hands, to play with it as much as he liked.

And he was patient. As any god might be.

He guessed that was the perks of immortality, the ability to just let things happen the time they are meant to. She still believed herself in love with the younger Black? He would let her be, she was still just a chit, too young to understand life in a proper way, to notice that a woman such as her would never do with a reckless young man as the Black heir- What was his name again?

His life was secured by his three treasures, he still had the need to hide them, one was too deep in a cavern in the sea for anyone to find, another was the snake who did not part with him, whilst the last was the ring he now pressed against Selene’s hip.

He desired to give it to her, many times he pondered the possibility. But giving her a literal part of his soul when she still couldn’t expose hers to him was way too tricky. 

He then contemplated the possibility of making one out of her. For her to take part of him and for them to never part. And he intended to, once she could be entirely his.

Yet today another threat arrived at his door, with the same channelling grey eyes he despised, but with way more petulance than the other.

He remembered the boy from Selene’s memories, the ones she shared with him the first time they met. Tom was no moron, and whilst Selene wasn't either, she was blind of the effect she had upon others- When he saw him in those memories of hers, his desperate attempts to gain her attention, to let her know he existed, he could tell immediately how desperate the boy was for her affection, similar of how he himself was.

This other Black, who Tom didn’t care enough to learn his name, could be as much of a menace as the last one. He just needed to make the same deal he made with his brother if the circumstances appeared. Tom couldn’t think of a better idea to make Selene realise that she was nothing to them, and they should be nothing to her.

*

He could even picture it, in his mind it was crystal clear.

Tom demanding the Black heir to give him the right upon their wedding night, expecting by all means to finally stop his obsession with the young chit; only for it to worsen.

Knowing the softness of her lips, the roundness of her breasts, the warmth between her thin thighs. How could he let her go?

How could he let her go on with her life with an egocentric, dim-witted brat?

He pictured himself lying awake at night, although Tom wasn’t a sound sleeper, he never had that much of an issue with the subject. But he laid there, just staring at the canopy, remembering the snow coloured legs, the redness of her lips whilst he kissed them, the fire in her eyes, the hunger, the need, the desire she had felt for him, that she will feel for him.

Forgetting to count the times he claimed her, each round confused with the next as he never dared to pull away from her insides, their bodies combined, his sweat funding with hers creating the most intoxicating perfume he had ever experienced.

Her pearly eyes fixated upon him, her tears pampering the pillows Oh how she will lament feeling pleasure with him instead of her husband. 

He could almost taste the pleasure, the need.

*

But that was just a fantasy of him, one he was not even sure yet to accomplish. He couldn’t say if this other Black was going to accept his demands as willing as the last.

But she was his everything, she was meant to be the one he ruled with.

“You are jesting, then. Please refrain yourself from such nonsense.”

“Nonsense you say?” He chuckled, enjoying her exasperation. “It might not be the best timing, of course. Not with Dumbledore and the ministry after my head. But once we achieve our goal, when we finally succeed- I don’t see how I could refuse to let myself fail in such thrilling desires.”

“Is having a family part of your wishes? I would have never guessed so.”

“You weren’t wrong. A family has never been something I keen myself on having. It is the act of acquiring it that I find exhilarating.” Yet he lied, the more he thought about it the more he believed it appealing. He might not be the type of man to fatherly hug his children, nor the one to cradle them to fall asleep, or Merlin forbids it, change their diapers. But he was certain of one thing, if he could, he would repopulate the world with his offspring and Selene’s. He couldn't, for the life of him, imagine a better world to live in. 

But that was not a world they currently lived in, and he needed to focus on the task at hand, even if the distraction was so tempting. “I had been informed that Slughorn will retire” that made her crisp with interest, her eyes wondering what it would mean to her. Part of him wanted to disappoint her, to not let her be near that old bag of bones that was the headmaster of Hogwarts. But he needed her, nobody else among his followers was as capable as Selene, most of them could barely cast semi-decent spells.“I need you to infiltrate the castle, as a professor.”

“That’s quite convenient.”

“I couldn’t have planned it better”

…

He was supposed to leave, that was what Lucius commanded him to, yet he couldn’t, not when Selene was on the other side of that door, experiencing Merlin knows what.

He would be lying if he said he knew how long he stood there, in the hallway that led to the room where Selene was with- with that person, just staring at the closed door. He wondered what to do, if she would search for his help as he would surely do if any dangerous situation presented itself. They never discussed it, but he knew her, he knew how Selene’s mind worked, she would most certainly throw herself into the snake pit before revealing Sirius’ true alliances. Because revealing him would mean to put Lily at risk; to put Harry at risk.

He still had that in mind when the door opened and she came out. The dark lord followed her steps, way too close to her. From afar the older man noticed him, giving him a sideways stare, apparently Selene hasn’t noticed him, or pretended like it. 

Voldemort laid a hand on her lower back, way too close to her buttocks, yet she didn’t seem to mind, didn’t flinch, didn’t even seem like the action was some uncommon occurrence. Anger was building up inside his chest, why wouldn’t she spat him? why wouldn’t she yell at him? Demanding to leave his hands to himself, to not dare touch her in such an inappropriate way?

Their master parted from them, not before directing a pissed off expression at him and she walked to him, she had noticed from the beginning. 

There were many things he wanted to say, to spat at her face, but he realised he couldn’t. Not when she looked so exhausted, on how her neutral countenance changed the moment she laid her eyes upon him and the dark lord was not on sight anymore. Sirius noticed her shoulders relax, her stoic face and tense stand long forgotten when she arrived next to him.

As if somehow, maybe completely unintentional, she could be herself around him.

His anger at their master was subdued by worry by looking at her, she seemed to come out of a particularly perilous encounter, he fought the urge to ask her, but they still were in Malfoy’s manor, and the snakes guarded the corridors.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked once they arrived at Godric’s Hollow, the whole journey avoiding uttering a single word, but not as uncomfortable as he might expect it. It was nice to be alone with her, to just stand by her. 

She didn’t say anything, just nodded in confirmation, too enthralled by her own thoughts. They walked by the front garden, and before reaching the stairs she stopped, looking intently at him. She seemed preoccupied again, her eyes clouded with so many things that Sirius doubted to ever comprehend fully, yet he tried. “You shouldn't have waited for me”

“Why wouldn’t I? We needed to come to James’ place anyway.”

There was a weird reaction in her face, it wasn’t anger, yet her brows frowned as it was, but her eyes were glossy, even though no unshed tears gathered in them. “Don’t you realise how dumb that was? How suspicious?” She has always been vocal about her disgust, not caring to scream at his face in front of anyone, Dumbledore  included, yet now she was whispering, as if terrified of anyone hearing, maybe even the ones inside Jame’s house.  “As far as everyone knows, we were enemies! We couldn’t even be in the same room without fighting each other!”

“Well, that hasn't quite changed!”

“You know what I meant, Sirius!” Sirius she said, not spitting his surname in the way she always had done, now she called him by his name, her exasperation not raising because of anger nor hate, but because of worry. She was worried for him.

He felt his heart flutter inside his chest, as if a thousand butterflies were trying to escape his ribcage. “I could just say that I wanted to apologise to you. If anyone asks, I would plainly state that I realised my mistakes and I regret my behaviour towards you at school. And considering I -supposedly- haven’t seen you since Hogwarts, I felt it was the perfect moment to ask for forgiveness..”

She kept silent, looking at him intently, as if that possibility never occurred to her. 

“See? I’m not that much of a moron”

She chuckled, not one of her sardonic smiles nor exasperated snarls. She just laughed. He didn’t care if she was laughing at him, somehow just needed to hear the sound again. “I doubt anyone would believe that.” her words were uttered without worry, almost not caring, and they stabbed him right in the heart. Maybe she believed the conversation was over, since she started to walk up the stairs, to go inside, to communicate everything to Dumbledore and then leave home. To end his opportunity for him to-

“Selene-! Maybe no one would believe it, but it is true.” She stopped two stepps in, turned around to stare at him, stunned, as if his words weren’t spoken in a soft voice, an imploring tone. She stared down at him, confusion plastered in her face. “I am, so- so sorry. For everything.”

It might have been the last thing she expected to hear in a night such as that, many emotions gathered in her face, anger, horror, disappointment even. He expected her to scream, to yell at his face that he did not deserve any type of forgiveness from her, because he didn’t, he didn’t deserve any tenderness out of her, yet he yearned for it.

He desired the soft glances directed to her two godsons, he wanted that silly laughter she didn’t hold when she believed her and Lily were alone in the Potter’s kitchen, he craved the lustful eyes she directed to him only in his dreams. He already had all the rage she could store, he had the hate and loathing her slim body could handle, he deserved it, for all the things he had done, for everything he hadn’t done too.

He sent her to a werewolf’s cave just because of his jealousy, he convinced James to hang her upside down because he was a horny teenager who couldn’t comprehend his desire to look down her skirt.

He hexed her, bullied her, called her names with the sole objective of seeing, to grasp any type of reaction out of her.

And he had been wrong, oh so very wrong. 

But she didn’t take his apology, she barely even acknowledged it, just nodded and entered his friend’s house, almost in trance.

…

February, 1981

He hadn’t seen her for almost a week or so, probably less, there hadn’t been meetings, nor of the order nor of the death eaters, and Sirius longed to see her: he missed her. He didn’t plan to go to her house, most of the time he did not plan things thoroughly but this particular scene might have been the most idiotic thing he’d ever done.

What was he supposed to say?

Ah, Selene, good afternoon! Why am I here? Well, it turns out I really miss you even though we saw each other about a week ago! And even though you must certainly still despise me!

He cringed at his own awkwardness, angry at himself, where was the sly Sirius Black who could conquer any girl he wanted with a simple bat of eyelashes? Where was his confident self that with one pickup line could bring any woman at the bars to his knees? Yes, he was being conceited, not every girl wanted him, he had had more than a share than refusals and rejections. But this was diferent, this was Selene, and he couldn’t fuck it up. 

So he straightened himself, tightening the scarf around his neck, wiped off his jacket of invisible dust, and slapped himself right in his cheek to set his mind into motion. Sadly for him and the ounce of respect Selene held for him, she opened the door the exact moment his palm connected to his face.

They stared at each other for a minute, Sirius’ hand still laying on his reddened cheek. Her face tried in vain, to hide her amusement, she quivered her brow in wonder, but her upper lip twitched, trying to let a chuckle escape. He had been staring at her face enough times to notice the slightest changes in it. “May I ask what is wrong with you?”

“A fly! It was a fly!”

“Of course, and the best course of action when a fly lies on your face is to punch directly… to your face.” Her amusement was palpable in her words, she still looked at him like a mad man though. “It is strange, though, flies in this type of weather?”

“Yeah, weird, isn’t it?”

She sighted, done with his bullshit. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Her eyes widened in surprise but quickly frowned once again. Of course he was there to see her, this was her damned house! “I just needed to check on this thing you-know-who said. About the next meeting.” It was a lie, a complete and utterly foolish lie, but Sirius couldn’t help but cheer when Selene nodded before opening her front door wider for him to come in, she had complied but not before pondering a little, deciding if he was worthy of entering perhaps. He had been there before, in Spinner's End. The neighbourhood changed drastically since the last time, there weren’t drug addicts nearby, and the place seemed mostly desolated, not rotten.

Selene probably didn’t know he had been in her house before, unless Lily told her. 

Her place was nothing like he remembered. The rotten wood of the walls now were decorated with prim green wallpaper, many books were stored everywhere, her library was full so little towers made of books were piled on different places. There was a soft lavender scent in the air, the same he always felt when he approached her, nothing like the smell of a pair of rotten bodies he found a long time ago, exactly where a four chairs table stood.

“Tea?”

“Please.”

“Sit down, I'll be right back.” As she walked to what seemed to be the kitchen Sirius stood by the lighted fireplace. Almost moving on its own, his hand reached to the frames that adorned the wall over it. ”And don’t touch a thing!” She exclaimed, her voice angry seeing his fingers almost touching one of the photografies, without waiting for his response she disappeared.

“I don’t promise a thing!”

“For Merlin’s sake, if you break anything I'll tell the dark lord about you myself!” 

“We’ll see.” He answered but only came as a whisper she must certainly not have listened.

There, over the chimney laid more than a couple of photographs in their respective frames, who could say Selene could be so nostalgic? 

One of them was of a five months old Harry on its cradle. It was a muggle photograph, the baby didn’t move, he was static in time. A blurry hand was behind him, probably Lily’s, she was keeping him straight so he could be seated for the picture. The next was of another baby, Malfoy’s- Sirius didn’t pay much mind to it, only noticing that it was also taken by a muggle camera- Did Selene have one? Did she carry one with her to capture the people she loved? 

Another one was just a still image of a lavender bush, it appeared to be recently planted, it didn’t ring any bells but spiked his curiosity, behind it there was a pretty damaged garden, with what appeared to be a recently painted white fence.

The fourth was certainly something he’ll remember seeing. It was a picture of her, and Lily. It had been a magic camera that took it since both girls were hugging each other and laughing, they looked at each other and then to the person capturing the moment. Who could have been? He couldn’ recall anyone that close to both of them, maybe one of Lily’s girl-friends? although they never really liked Selene, as far as he was aware.

She looked happy, the happiest he’d ever seen her, her cheeks flushed as her arms intertwined with Lily’s. And so young too, she mustn't have been over sixteen when the picture had been taken, there was the date marked bellow, January 30th; Lily’s birthday.

He remembered not so long ago, barely a couple of days, the day before Lily’s birthday, how he saw her sneaking out of her own house. How he was about to call on her, asking her what was all that about until Remus stopped him, begging him to stay silent.

“She’s meeting Selene.”

“Then why all this secrecy?”

“They are going to celebrate Lily’s birthday today.” His friend saw the confused look in his eyes and explained himself further. “Lily and James got into a fight the other day, it was pretty bad i think- Lily wanted to invite Selene to her birthday celebration but James didn’t want to. I guess he is still too weary of her.”

“But she’s on our side, Moony.”

“She is, but- I think Prongs is scared.”

“Of her betraying- us?”

“No… I think it is- I don’t know how to explain it, but, I think he worries about Lily leaving him.  He cannot help but distrust Selene, he doesn't want her around, her sole presence reminds him of all the bad he’d done, and it reminds Lily too, the reason why she didn’t want to be with him in the first place.” He stopped, pondering his next words. “He hadn’t told her about her worries, and for her, he’s being purposefully mean to her friend once again, not letting them even interact that much. I fear it could be their doom if they don't work it out.”

Sirius wondered what James would say, when he discovered that not only his wife but his best friend too, craved for Selene’s attention.

The last picture was something he didn’t expect, although he should have. Selene almost became his sister in law after all.

It was Reg, the picture as immobile as the others, he was as he remembered him, with his slytherin uniform, all poised and confident. A little smile formed in his lips.

Sirius wanted to cry.

He’d think about his brother often, almost every day considering the hell he was currently living, every order’s meeting Sirius would think of Reg, every death eater’s meeting he would be amongst the other followers, sometimes he almost followed the illusion of him, of his brother, who all across the room would see him with the most terrible disappointment.

But he wasn’t there, he hadn’t been in a long time.

Yet when looking at her, when looking at Selene, he never thought of Reg. It might have been his biggest betrayal as a brother, to have such feelings on the woman he loved. But how could he help it? 

How can he stop?

He had had this feeling, this turmoil inside of him since he can remember. In his mind Selene could not be categorised with the “Almost married to my brother” label, she was something else entirely

She was just Selene.

The girl who clouded his every thought since he was eleven years old, and who only after ten years could finally accept what he felt.

She was a death eater, a dark witch, Lily’s friend, Harry’s godmother, his enemy, his doom, his hope; his only anchor in life.

She was Selene Snape.

Softly, he apologised to Regulus, because no matter how his brother might have been cursing him from beyond his grave, Sirius wouldn’t back down. 

He regrets never asking her about him, they should have mourned him together. But Sirius was scared, scared of what he might see in her, in all the feelings she might still have for his brother, and to realise that maybe, it was too late for him.

“I don’t have coffee.” She left a tray on the table, two cups of tea were served besides a plate with different pastries. He'd known not long ago that she liked sweets, but it was always a surprise. “You will have to endure tea.” 

She had said she’ll make tea, but still remembered he drank mostly coffee. It had become a bad habit after going out a lot at night, Sirius spent the most part of his time after Hogwarts in pubs, not caring for a thing, then when he had to face the day he'd drink coffee as if his life depended on it. He stopped going out since Selene reappeared, but the linking of the beverage stayed. Somehow he was marvelled by her remembering it. 

She sat on one of the chairs and he followed suit, choosing the one just next to her, leaning a little to her side to catch her scent; she did too, as she immediately recoiled.

“What on earth is that smell?”· She covered her nose with two of her fingers, an exaggerated motion even for her, although she was keen to dramatism, she always performed when casting spells of just talking. 

Sirius tried to smell himself, sniffing his clothe and even under his arms, in case he had bad armpit smell, yet he couldn't fathom what she meant. 

Selene leaned in, sniffing around, her face making a concentrated expression. “It comes from your face.”

Sirius laughed then, enjoying her frustrated expression. “It should be my aftershave, maybe you had never seen me this early in the morning.”

“I guess not. Do you make a habit of pouring cat piss on your face or is it some kind of weird fetish of yours?”

“It is the best, actually. The girls love it.” A lie, it had been the first time he used it, he had it in store for a time now and decided to use it that specific day for devious purposes. According to the label, it was the perfect product to make girls fall in love with you, he’d gotten it in a muggle store a while ago.

“The girls who pursue you might be blind and with an altered sense of smell.”

Sirius decided that moment he would never stop using the blasted aftershave.

…

April, 1981

The death eaters, Sirius and Selene included, raided a village next to St. Mungo’s. Voldemort stated it was necessary to get control over the town nearby first to take the hospital, instead of just going full force against it. The ministry had the building protected, aurors guarded it day and night, and they needed some type of stabilisation before striking. But they didn’t manage to, the raid turned out to be unsuccessful; the order awaited them, and fought them.

Dumbledore stated that in order to not raise any type of distrust and belief of a spy amongst the death eaters it was needed to give Voldemort some victories, little towns, and stuff. St. Mungo’s was not one of those.

Sirius argued against it, stating that every life was meaningful, that they could not just let them kill any muggle they wanted just because. It was Selene who had to calm him down, and explain everything as if he was not but a child.

“It is not pleasurable for us to just let them get away with it, Sirius. We don’t want innocent lives to go to waste, but we cannot risk our positions, never. If somehow the order appears in every single town the death eaters want to raid, it will be apparent the presence of at least one spy.” She seemed plagued by the thought, as if she understood it but didn’t like it. They appeared to be words of Dumbledore’s, nor hers. “It is of the utmost importance to lay low, they cannot know we are aware of their movements.”

Fortunately for them, the raids Sirius had been involved in turned out to be a complete failure for the dark side, he had met James twice in them and they fought as they used to when they were still students, mainly for training than anything else. Both of them were good and didn’t hold back, Remus got involved in one too, and managed almost as good as James had. Peter also participated, yet he didn’t quite manage to keep Sirius rhythm and accidentally got hurt, gravely.

Sirius could remember the way his body flew across the street, crashing directly to a brick wall of a pastry shop. He even remembered the fear he felt when he saw Peter’s face, covered in red, his blood flowing like a river from the base of his hair onto his cheeks to finally descend to his chin.

He also remembers Rosier’s pat on his shoulder, a signal of his approval, the realisation not only to himself but for the rest of his death eater companions that Sirius had completely abandoned the marauders. A complete absolute lie, a coincidental one, yet a lie all the same, and they bought it. 

It had been hard not to run to him, not to leave everything behind to just help his friend, to help James and Remus who stood beside Peter’s limp body. It had been Selene’s presence who stooped him from fucking things up. She said nothing, just aproached him, stating with only her stance how he could not simply run after his friends, he couldn’t fuck things up when so much was at stake, when his facade was now finally being convincing.

Later he knew Peter was alright. The marauders gathered in James’ house as always, and Peter laid awake on the bed of their spare room. He received a bad cut on his forehead yet his body and mind were perfectly fine, Sirius felt relief, realising he hadn’t killed his friend.

“Aye, Wormtail, you took one for the team, didn’t ya?” His voice had been playful, masking the fear he had felt until he finally saw his friend awake, he patted the smaller man on his shoulder playfully as he said those words. Everyone in the room laughed, grateful for making the moment a little bit less tense. All but two people. Selene looked at him from where she stood by the door, she didn’t got close, not comfortable enough with most of them to get in, and certainly not close enough with Peter to even pretend to worry about him.

Her lips were pursed, an uncomfy look filled her eyes as she looked at Peter, she averted her gaze once she noticed Sirius staring at her. She took her leave soon after, clearly uncomfortable by the display of affection the marauders were showing at his almost fallen friend.

The other was Peter, who tried to laugh at his bad joke yet his laughter didn’t reach his eyes. Sirius guessed it was too soon to be playful about such a thing, but couldn't shake the feeling something was off, least of all when Wormtail’ eyes fixated on the place Selene stood just moments ago.

…

June, 1981

“I cannot believe you’ve been doing all of this this whole time” Sirius exhaled, tired. He threw himself unceremoniously over one of the chairs in James and Lily’s living room. Selene on the other hand sat down with care, not wanting to disturb the people in the other room. 

Baby Harry was sound asleep, he knew it was his nap time, probably Selene did too. Dumbledore should arrive soon enough.

It had been another day, another awfully successful raid. Sirius became more and more tired after each one.

“Why? You deem me incapable?” she answered as she rested her head on the furniture, her face turned towards his direction, a soft blush colouring her cheeks, maybe from all the exhaltement. It had been too much in so little time, the smell of ashes and blood still filling their minds, Sirius wondered if he ever would be able to forget the sound of those screams, the children crying, and the frightening joy his relatives exuded, he could still hear Bellatrix’s laughter, Rosier’s excited sighs as he ended people’s life, Avery and Mulciber’s joyful chuckles when burning a building down. 

Selene looked at him, without anger or disdain, but something entirely different, something akin to empathy. Her black eyes fixated on him, not only observing his face, his features, but his soul, one he bared to her.

‘She’s more used to this than me’ Many times he wondered what had she lived before. What made her so capable to face everything the death eaters did with a stoic countenance. Was she mourning like he was now? Did she regret her involvement in all of this? He doubted it, he himself didn’t, how could he regret what he was doing? Now more than ever, to protect the ones they loved.

To protect her in some way.

He often wondered if she felt the same, burdened by the pressure of the future. It became more and more difficult to be a spy, to pretend to be as sick and twisted as his parents were, he seriously doubted he was doing a good job, too many times had Snape enter into his mind to stop him from his own idiocy. She had saved him more times from himself that he can even recall. 

“No, I think you’re too capable.” He did not mean to sound rude, to admit to her that he knew there must have been something wrong with her to face all they have to with supposed indifference. If there was something wrong with her, if she was messed up in the head, well- he couldn’t care less. 

But telling her such a thing was completely different than just thinking it, she might take it in the worst way possible, and he could understand it. So Sirius opted for a different approach. “I don’t even know how you contain the laughter when they go on and on with that shitty discourse about race and purity of blood.”

“Well- how can you?” Her features were strangely calm, the furrowed brown that somehow always adorned her face was not there, her lines of expression, her disgust, all gone. She did not have that face she made when trying to appear controlled, her cold expression of indifference. No, she seemed calm, comfortable, even a little smile adorned her pretty pink lips, it wasn’t as much as a smile, the corner of her lips were barely upward by a millimetre, but seeing it in someone like her, it was easy recognizable, especially for him.

“Ah! But that’s the difference between you and me. I've been hearing them my whole life, that sick woman I have for a mother woke me up every day with a dissertation on how if I want to be a good son I must marry a pureblood lass. Like do you even believe it? The only purebloods left are related to me. I’d be marrying a cousin of mine then having little weird children with pigtails. Too much inbreeding there” He was rambling, he knew, but the interest in those black eyes sparkled and soon a beautiful sound he was never able to experience before came forward. Selene Snape was laughing, a full on laugh, and the joke wasn’t even that funny. But she laughed and her cheeks turned pink, she instinctively covered her mouth to contain the sound but instead it came the distinguishable sound of a pig’s “oink oink”. There he lost it, he burst out laughing. 

She covered her face, embarrassed with herself, but between her slender fingers he could see the redness of her face and still hear the sound of her chuckles. 

Sirius felt his soul lighter, even if it was for a moment, he would cherish it. 

He never experienced a moment of peace with her, never before his soul felt like he could just be himself around Selene. Always so smart and cunning she kept him at a safe distance, it was his own fault, he knew, but must that continue if for the first time in years he felt- he knew, someone was there to save him, to accompany him, to partner with him against all odds and all circumstances? 

He dared to take her hands, to let him see that face that followed him in every dream since he was a pre adolescent lad. Sirius caressed her cheeks, those so pale cheeks that now finally had some colour on them, those rosy cheeks made her seem so young. They were young, but Selene always had that maturity surrounding her, as if she was never able to be a child. 

He leaned in, towering over her. He felt his heart flutter, his eyes focused on her lips, and as he came closer he could almost taste them.

“Black, what on earth are you doing?”

Chapter Text

August, 1981

It was a particularly hot day, the first day of August, the day after Harry’s first birthday.

Lily arrived at her friend’s door earlier than she intended, they were supposed to meet during the afternoon, but she had the chance to come earlier and took it. James and the rest had gone to Merlin knows where, carrying their brooms with them, she knew she wasn’t going to see her husband for several hours anyway. Remus had the idea of going out, and Sirius eagerly encouraged the rest since James didn’t seem to be in the mood, and since James wasn’t, Peter wasn’t either.

The redheaded woman didn’t know where or why, but it was apparent that Remus and Sirius had talked about James and her, his disapproval of her friendship, the way she already went against his will to make Selene Harry’s godmother. And in a completely unexpected outcome, they supported her, not their pal, the one who they always followed around and hung to his every word, but her. It calmed her anxiousness, because if they supported her friendship with Selene it meant they also trusted her; it was more than she ever expected of any of them, particularly of Sirius, who claimed to hate Selene with all his guts until the moment he laid eyes on her again. And even if Lily knew Sirius acted in her favour because of his barely hidden feelings for her friend, she couldn’t care less.

It was refreshing to say the least, knowing she had some support over her decisions, over her friendship to the woman that was sacrificing so much for them.

Lily knew perfectly well that there was nothing here for Selene, she could have packed her things and just leave this ridiculous place, she could’ve leave England if she pleased and nobody would tell her no. Since Regulus’ death, she didn’t have anything chaining her here, that is until she and Lily regained their friendship.

And she made sure to tie her friend to her, she wouldn’t let her go again, and used her own son to do so. Because Selene made a promise to her, to take care of Harry, and Selene kept her promises. It was a wicked thing to do, but it did not matter to her, in that way she’ll keep her son and her friend safe, with her. It was the first good decision she had made in years.

It was Harry’s little babbling that reminded her where she stood, his chubby hand tapping her cheek unceremoniously, he seemed eager to see Selene again, just like she did.

Selene was going to distance herself from their lives, she knew this well, even though quite unwilling. Dumbledore commanded her to take Slughgorn’s position back at Hogwarts, and she had accepted. In a month’s time she’ll be gone, all the way to Scotland, far away from them.

They were keeping her away from her once again.

She wondered what Sirius's reaction was, to know the object of his desires wasn’t going to be at his reach anymore. They hung around often, she’d seen them, whispering little secrets to the other, shoulders touching in a camaraderie nobody had dared to imagine. They exchanged little meaningful looks, barely containing smiles. Rose pink cheeks decorated their faces, almost as innocent as teenagers courting.

She knocked and waited, then knocked again.

Selene didn’t answer, but Lily refused to turn around now. She looked through the window and nobody appeared to be at home, odd, since she knew Selene's schedule. She walked around the property, hoping to enter through the back door. 

And there she found her, Selene kneeling in front of a lavender bush, the bush that seated against the white fence of her back yard was now placed in a huge plant pot, one quite pretty she might add.

“Lils.” the woman said, acknowledging her friend. A soft smile decorating her face, one that didn’t reach her eyes. Sadness filled them. “I’m taking this with me.” To Hogwarts, although the addition was not needed. They both fretted over the circumstances.

She put a spell on the pot, and the little lavender flowers uprighted, looking towards the sky, the soft morning breeze carried the scent of the herb, filling her nostrils with the fragrance she most adored, the indistinguishable scent of her friend.

She wondered then, why , why always that smell and no other. Lily did remind Selene trying to make a weird concoction she used as a shampoo during their fifth year. Her intention was to make her hair appear less greasy, although she always knew it was because her family couldn’t afford any type of shampoo that was actually good for her, so she decided to make her own. Lily remembered stealing ingredients from Slughron’s storage, and gathering some herbs on the skirts of the forbidden forest with Selene by her side.

Was this bush because of that? She doubted it. The forbidden forest was filled with many sorts of plants, and as everyone knows, Selene could demand any ingredient she needed or wanted as a professor, and the school must provide; it made no sense.

“Why are you taking it with you? Isn’t it just better to ask for ingredients there? It’ll just inconvenience you” Her question had no ill intent, her tone wasn’t channelling in any way, but Selene looked at her as if she had asked her something completely outrageous, something so asinine she might even ask her to get the hell out of her house. But her expression quickly changed to a pained one, her eyes clouded by an emotion Lily had only ever seen in her friend once, whilst talking about Regulus.

Lily felt a weight on her stomach, knowing she had crossed some invisible line there, unknowing it existed in the first place.

She hurt Selene and didn’t even understand how, nor why.

“May we enter? Harry seems to want to get down and I don't want him to get dirty out of here.” Lily nodded, following her friend inside, placing Harry down when they reached the kitchen door.

As in trance, Selene made them a cup of tea, minutes passed and none of them spoke a word, not until she finally seated, in the little tablet she had on her kitchen, the one situated next to the southern window, that allowed them to admire that little garden of hers.

“I have something to tell you.” Her tone was solemn, neutral yet charged with feeling. She didn’t look back at her, her black eyes fixated on the cup of tea she was holding with both hands, trembling hands. Lily did not say a thing, afraid that any reaction she might do would discourage her friend to open up to her as so often she did.

Selene was a closed up person, she never asked for help, even if she craved it. Never asking for affection, but glancing intently to their intertwined hands when they held each other. She was never the one to initiate a hug, but was the last to separate from it, she knew she was scared of being weak, to be seen as such. And for that terrible fear, she never trusted completely.

And even so, she still gave in, she still worried. She might not trust Lily completely, not after their fallout, not when she was kept as a dark little secret for her husband not to get angry at, but she still worried about her, she still loved her, and Lily knew this with a certainty she held for few other things.

Selene despised James, she knew it by the way she looked at him, the way her resentment was palpable anytime they spoke to each other, the few occasions they did, and even so, Selene still loved Harry.

Because Harry was not James, he wasn’t even Lily, he was just this little person who was currently playing on the floor with the toys Selene kept around just for him.

She knew it by the way she looked at him, with so much love and care, Lily knew it by the way she held him in her arms with such care, by the way she caressed his unruly hair, by the way she chastised him with the most serious tone only to fold when he laughed at her severe features.

Lily knew, with the same certainty she knew tomorrow the sun would come up, that Selene Snape cared for the both of them, that she would do anything in her power to keep them both safe, away from all harm. She knew that with her at their side, Harry would always be safe.

But she wondered too, if her friend was safe around them.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you for the longest time, it just never seemed like the right time.” Lily observed her, the way her hands trembled, the way her troubled gaze didn’t seem to falter from the trembling cup. Afraid she might drop it, Lily took it and placed it on its plate, only then Selene began talking.

Talking about the miscarriage, her despair, the way she held onto the sheets in a vain attempt to keep her future from wilting away. All of it resurfaced, all of it paining her again. With trembling hands she wiped her tears, until Lily’s arms surrounded her frame, containing her the only way she knew, the only way that actually worked for Selene.

Someone as touch starved as her, who gave the appearance of despising those types of acts of affection. Someone who desperately craved to be held, to be loved.

“Narcissa’s sheets smelled of lavender. It seemed right to bury them amongst them.” her tears ran free down her face, her eyes red. Now Lily understood the relevance of a simple lavender bush, how it held the reminder of what she’d lost.  “It might be silly, I wasn't even that long.”

“It’s not silly.”

“I should have been more careful. Maybe worry less. Maybe in that way I wouldn’t have lost them. Lily- they would have been about Harry’s age, they- they could’ve been friends.” Lily didn’t comment on it, seriously doubting the possibility if Regulus lived. He would have been unwilling and probably afraid of their friendship resurging. “But- But how could I? How could I’ve been able to mourn him less? How could I’ve been alright of how things were if he was no longer at my side? He was my love- He was all I had- And he took him away from me.”

What was Lily supposed to say in this situation? Her friend had been all alone, facing the evils of the world on her own, whilst being so young. And Lily had been nowhere around to help her, it was not Lily who accompanied her in her pain, it had been Narcissa Malfoy, the wife of a death eater who showed her friend more mercy than Lily ever could.

Wasn’t she supposed to be one of the good guys? The ones who stood against the dark arts? But how could she consider herself good if not even her friend could confide in her in her moment of need? How could she consider herself and her own cohort the good ones when Selene had been scared to death to meet them again? She remembered her trembling hands, her tense stand, the way she screamed back at Sirius when he confronted her; and the way she rightened herself at the beginning, how many months ago she feared to face the marauders, hiding her flinches to any sudden movement they made when they met.

Lily knew life was not black and white, at least she knew it now. When facing reality in such a way it was difficult not to ponder about it.

She’d been weary of Regulus Black once, rightfully so. He’d wanted to snatch her friend away from her and he had managed to do so, but didn’t James have done the same? Hadn't his antics, his constant harassment, all part of his childish strategy to snarl Lily for himself? Hadn’t he succeeded?

Regulus made her skin crawl, even in his current state, he was a fathom now, a vengeful spirit who’ll forever haunt them. A weight on Selene’s shoulders to never be lifted, a release she’ll never feel. She’ll carry her grief as a second skin, always besmirching up from her insides. A constant reminder of what could’ve been and never was.

The same as the horrible mark on her left forearm, a constant reminder of her sins. 

“You’re not alone anymore. You have me.” Lily tucked her hair behind her ears, successfully keeping it away from her face, holding her cheeks with both her hands. That precious face she’d loved for so long now was in pain, Selene nodded, agreeing, she had Lily, she needed to know that. She held her tighter, relishing the way Selene’s body relaxed in her embrace, a sight escaped from her lips, caressing Lily's nape “Am I not enough?” It was a selfish thing to ask, but Lily dreaded Selene’s mental state, the way she held so tight to the past; even with Lily herself.

What would happen to her once all of this was done? If they were alive and well and the dark lord was defeated? Once she felt there was no need for her to protect the ones she held dear? Her husband was gone, their offspring followed him close behind. What was actually keeping Selene here, more than her need to atone for her sins, for her wrongdoing? What will she do when the time comes and she feels she has accomplished her goal? Would she try to follow her husband to a land where Lily could not follow? 

She pondered then, if she should say what she had in mind.

“Yes, you are.” Selene responded, softly, almost like a prayer, a reminder of what she now had, of what she regained.

“And Sirius. Is he enough too?” she added, reticent. 

An humourless laugh escaped from Selene’s lips, an strangled sound clouded by her barely contained sobs. “What does Black have to do with any of this?”

“I’ve seen the way you see each other. The way he seems to linger in place when you’re gone.” She might be wrong by saying it now, by acknowledging it in such circumstances, but the dread Lily felt in her chest would not go away until she had the actual certainty that Selene would not abandon her. That she had something tying her to the land of the living, something else than just Lily- 

Because Lily hadn’t been enough once, she couldn’t risk it again.

“Lily-”

“I know this is not something you want to hear. Not after what you’ve told me-” They didn’t break the embrace, both looking at each other intently. Selene's saddened expression quickly turned sour. “I know it seems untoward of me. But what you’ve lost… Selene you could have it again. Not know, not if you don’t want to. But you have to understand, Regulus was not the only person who held you in such high regard. You’re loved, more than you think.” She inhaled, her voice trembling, realizing her words were not achieving their purpose. With every word she knew she was digging her own grave, yet couldn’t back down now. “And not only by me.”

Selene was the first to turn away, standing up and walking around the kitchen, angry stomps echoing the small room. “Are you senseless? I’m telling you how I've lost the love of my life, the life inside of me and all you can do is try to set me up with Black. Black of all people!?”

“Why do you pretend as if you have no feelings for him?” She knew she had them, and was sure of it. When Selene looked at Sirius, even if most of the time it was with annoyance, and humour too, she had some tenderness in them, the same she had when looking at Regulus so long ago. 

“My feelings for him? Oh, I do have feelings for him- They are disgust! Hatred! Loathing! How can that be difficult to understand considering all he’d done to me?” She was frantic now, her voice rising up, filled with not only anger but outrage. Her cheeks flustered, her expression vexed, not only to Lily but also to herself, although the redheaded woman did not know that. “How can you, of all people, someone as resentful as me consider I could have any warmth reserved for that moron?”

But Selene was not resentful, at least not as much as she believed herself to be. Because she had forgiven Lily in a heartbeat, it was she who needed years and enough maturity to actually see her wrongdoings eye to eye. “He was young, he- he was besotted with you and didn’t know how to handle it!” The excuse was ridiculous, she cringed at her own words, the same that were spoken by Dumbledore many years ago.

“Are you implying that a nonsensical crush on me led him to do such things?” Lily’s eyes widened, almost startled by the words they were uttering. “You actually think that he tried to kill me in an act of love?”

“Kill-? What are you-”

Selene’s eyes widened, surprised by her ignorance, her anger deflating immediately. “You didn’t know.” her tense stare gave in, her square shoulders no longer uprighted but collapsing by the news.  “Oh-” She exclaimed, almost as if the realization just sinked in. “They never told you.”

“Tell me what?”

Harry got anxious with their confrontation, but waited patiently until both women settled down to interrupt, his hand in a fist bumped on Selene’s leg, demanding attention. She took him, holding him between her arms, his little legs kicked the air, and his hands quickly found Selene’s cheeks, he liked to do that, holding her so she’d focus on him. He was demanding like that.

Her anger was forgotten by the sight of the child, so she just told her friend about what haunted her for so long.

Selene told her about the prank, about how she’d been scared to death, how she’d almost died. She couldn’t keep the fact that Potter of all people had come to her rescue, and how her friendship with Lupin started after the fact.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why have you kept this up all these years?”

“I wasn’t able to. Dumbledore made it quite clear. Any word coming out of my mouth would have gotten me spelled. I was too scared to come home back then to even consider it.”

“And then when we were out of Hogwarts we weren’t talking anymore.” Selene nodded, her hair dancing around her face, Harry tried to catch it between his hands but she managed to pull away. 

“You were already engaged to Potter, he claimed you were the perfect couple, I assumed that that meant he told you anything, everything. I thought you knew.”

“I didn’t.”

“Now I know it.” Her sight filled the room, none of them knew what to say. “It might not have been because they purposefully wanted to keep you in the dark. I don’t think I’m their favourite topic to discuss.”

Lily didn’t comment on it, not daring to say how much Selene clouded their relationships, how they never spoke about her to James, how Sirius and Remus talked about her in hushed tones, how both of them would ask Lily about her when James was not around. How Peter winced every time her name was spoken out loud, even when in the order’s meetings.

“I rejected him.” Selene said after a while, sipping into her tea cup, her demeanour tired, her eyes fixated on Harry playing on the rug with some plastic muggle toys Selene got him.

“Who?”

“Sirius.” He was Sirius again, not Black, she’d call him by his name when they were alone, but always referred to him as Black. Lily wondered if it was to maintain some kind of facade, or to purposefully raise the distance between them. To make it known that to her Sirius Black was nothing; an idiotic lie. “He tried to kiss me, some weeks ago.”

Lily nodded, a soft “ah” coming out of her mouth, she knew less and less of her friend now that she thought about it.

“Had he- Had he been weird lately? Acting odd, or had he been normal about it?” Selene asked, when Lily made no sound after.

“I haven’t seen any weird behaviour out of him. But we don’t talk a lot.” It was the truth, Sirius was mostly around James, everyone orbited around him. On a few occasions they talked to her only, and most of them it was to talk about Selene, the subject of discord.“Why? Has he been weird to you?”

“More than his usual self, no. I rejected him but he continues to hang around, sometimes he arrives here to just talk. He’ll try to flirt and when I don’t engage he’ll pout.” Her eyes didn’t meet hers, focused on something in her garden. “It is unnerving.” 

Lily contained her smile, but didn’t quite know if she was too eager of her friend dating another Black. Not when this one’s behaviour was forever lacking.

“Can we stay here tonight? I don’t feel like going home-” There was a lot they needed to discuss, so many things they had to unwrap. But for now, Lily relished in her friend’s company, placing her chair next to her friend, and resting her head on her shoulder.

“Sure.”

Tears gathered in her eyes, Selene’s arms wrapped her.“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Chapter Text

First week of October, 1981

Her first weeks back at Hogwarts were a chaos to say the least.

The older students held no respect for her, most of them attended school alongside her, they witnessed the way the marauders teased her, how they humiliated her; she could hear them mumble, talking to each other in secretive whispers about her indignity.

Selene tried to pay no mind to it, to be the bigger person and to understand that those were just pointless commentaries. But even if she tried to, she turned out to be unsuccessful.

As most people would have expected of her, she transformed into a real bitch. Mad, angry and irreverent. She would even go as far as slamming her books into the students' heads when they weren’t paying attention, or to mock them for their ignorance in certain subjects.

They wanted to make a joke out of her? She wouldn’t let them.

But the thing is, that only happened in the older classes.

The first and second years, even some third years were the politest. They hung onto her every word, amazed by her knowledge and abilities. Eager to prove themselves, on how enthusiastically they studied and paid attention.

It was an outcome she’d never expected, but soon enough, not even a month in, the younger students followed her around like ducklings to their mother, all of them excited to ask new things, whether it was about potions, the magic world or the muggle one. Pure blood kids from her house would ask her in amazement what the telly was, or christmas, hufflepuff muggleborns would ask about the ghosts, the moving pictures or even the Great Hall ceiling. 

Most of them were wary of her at the beginning, her features too severe for their young minds, but quickly enough, not even two weeks in, they compared her seriousness and demand of good behaviour to a motherly act, even if she was young enough to be their big sister. They relished on her worry, being so far from home, at such a young age, they ached for some kind of comfort, in someone who worried about them, who cared for them, and Selene in her naivety and ignorance was willing to do so. She was not often admired, even lesser times she was liked, and fewer she was loved, this type of fondness mixed with admiration was alien to her, yet she liked it, she found some comfort in it, the same her students did. Funnily enough, the Griffindors were scared of her, even the younger ones; maybe the older students told them about her notorious hostility towards their housemates and they decided to held her at safe distance, even if she was never hostile to the younger students on purpose, not the way she was with the ones closer to her age.

There was one gryffindor who paid no mind to it, Sirius continued to torment her even from afar. Almost every day at 9pm Sirius’s face would appear in the flames of her room’s chimney. She’d make fun of him at the beginning, yet often than not she would be waiting for his presence amongst the fire. They fitted him, if someone was as passionate and as dangerous as those flames it was Sirius Black.

“You sent me a letter.”

“Wasn’t I allowed?” His mocking grin was large enough to bring forward the appearance of the only dimple he had on his face, the one on his right side. It wasn’t as apparent as if they were in the same room, the dancing rhythm of the fire wouldn’t let her appreciate his face fully, but the effect it had on her was the same, the same fluttering would rise in her stomach, a damned feeling she’d experienced from months already.

“I never said such a thing- Yet it did take me by surprise, we talk almost every night, I would’ve assumed you ran out of things to say.”

“I always find ways to bother you.” His voice was soft yet raspy, he’d been drinking. He was more honest those times.

“That I cannot argue against.” It was difficult not to smile when he said those things. At least it was now. “How is Lily?” Sirius' face contoured in disgust, he always got annoyed when Selene asked him about her friend, and because of it she would bring her more often in conversations, only to see his annoyance. His jealousy was apparent and he did not hide it. 

“She’s fine- I guess. We haven’t talked that much since she came back to Godric’s Hollow, Prong’s made the effort to be in her good graces so we haven’t been able to see any of them that often.” His hand flicked through the flames, his inebriated self often exaggerated his usual demeanours.“I guess we are a sore subject.”

“You’re giving yourself too much credit, Lily’s issues with Potter are their own.”

“I wouldn't be so sure. And I wasn't referring only to the guys and me. I meant you too.” She must have given him a weird expression then, since a chuckle escaped from between his smiling teeth. “You’re the one who started to stir up the pot. Don’t play coy.”

“You’re telling me I should've kept my mouth shut?” It was frequent that her ire was raised when Sirius was around, all habits weren’t forgotten as easily as one would like. Selene felt her heart beating intently on her ears, her cheeks flushing in anger. Defensiveness rising before any indictment of him perceiving her as wrong. 

“Nah.” His rapid response surprised her, his voice was calm and even, not noticing or perhaps ignoring the way her walls rose up only to be knocked down with a single expression- it eased her beating heart. He in no means blamed her. It was a weird feeling, from an even stranger situation. If they were five years younger and Lily got mad at Potter for something Selene had done or said about him, Sirius would be the first to blame her, to punish her for her supposed recklessness, for her intrusion on his best pal happiness- The juxtaposition of the memory of Sirius being mad at her and this one being supportive shocked her. He had changed. “It’s James’ doing. All of this, y’know? You cannot be with someone fully if you keep all these important things for yourself. If they only love you for this facade you’re making, then they don’t love you at all; and it’s your fault in the end.” He was saying it whilst drinking, he’d opened a beer in the middle of his philosophical rant, but it was as if it was nothing, as if those words were just basic arithmetic and not the reason behind their best friend’s conundrum. He’d taken a large sip, holding the bottle from the top with only two fingers, as he gulped a new grin appeared in his handsome face. One she was accustomed to. “That’s why I’m pretty certain about you, Selene.” He purred her name, as he often did. As he always did since his rejection.

He tried to make a move on her, and she stopped him on his tracks the same minute. In a very Sirius Black fashion sense, he hadn’t given up. She didn’t want him to.

“What on earth is your drunk ass saying?”

“Ah- But isn’t it obvious? You’re smart enough.” His laughter echoed in her tiny room, vibrating on her core. If he left such an impression on her just by talking via the fireplace how come she’d never given away anything by now? “I know you’re fucking insane. With all your awful tricks and dark spells, I know- first hand may I add, how wicked you can be, such a dark witch you are... But that’s just the mask you wore- Well, that you still have to wear ‘cause of the messed up situation we are in.” He was dragging his words, it was not the first time he’d called on her drunk. It happened only after a death eaters meeting, without her being physically there to support him, he gave in his impulses. Her excuse to answer him and to continue to talk to him was just that, that she needed to support him, that the life of the ones she cared the most depended on Sirius mental state. It was the lie she tried to give to herself and to Dumbledore the time he asked. “But I’ve seen you. You’re softer than you look, that smile that you gave only to Lily back in the day is directed to Harry now. And sometimes even to me.”

The denial died on her lips, he knew her enough by now to read it on her face. But she wouldn’t answer the unasked question, she wouldn’t tell him how she felt about him, because she herself didn’t know.

Or more like, she didn’t want to know.

Because owning her feelings meant betrayal. She would be turning away from Regulus and the future she held dear, even after his death. How would he react, he, who always believed himself as inferior compared to his older brother, if the person he cared enough to die for replaced him for the one everyone always compared him to?

She couldn’t do that to him. She wouldn’t be changing her plans.

Because a future without Regulus always seemed so dark, so inadequate. Because she knew herself, she knew there was nothing for her left in this world and the only thing that kept her going was for the will of her -almost- husband. To defeat the dark lord. 

Then she’ll be done, if he didn’t end her first.

But now, she wasn’t so sure of that future, not when there were so many holding onto her, and she onto them.

She wasn’t sure of anything nowadays. Even so, in a wicked way, she relished in the flirting, in the tug of war Sirius and her kept going. On the way it never seemed serious, even though their feelings were kept on each other’s sleeves, prepared to take them out, but dubious to do so. It was a risk card to take out.

They would never say the words, not even the ones similar to them. They didn’t love each other, they definitely didn’t like each other, they wouldn’t even call themselves friends, nor even acquaintances. But they would be the other one's first call when anything of relevance happened, even when something unremarkable happened. They would think of the other almost every minute of every day, they would know how the other liked their coffee, or if the other did not like it at all. They would remember every single gesture, fraction and expression on the other’s face, because when they were together they deemed impossible to look away, even with other people around. They would know the exact shade of the other’s eyes, the exact things you needed to say to make the other flush with embarrassment, the way Sirius blush was more in a peach tone whilst Selene’s cheek reddened in a pale pink.

They would know the other the way nobody else in their lives knew them. But they would be nothing to each other.

No title, no relationship to discuss.

They were nothing yet everything.

The faculty was welcoming yet cold. It was hard for them to treat a former student as an equal, especially when said student was no one’s favourite.

Selene almost chuckled at professor Mcgonagall’s befuddled expression when Dumbledore introduced her as the new potion’s master after Slughorn’s resignation. The others appeared to be unimpressed with her presence but the distress was quite obvious in their eyes.

Most of them had taught her, and with almost all of them Selene had issues at one point or another. Sprout caught her once stealing from the kitchens, and taking samples of different plants from the greenhouse. The professor had been kind to her when she caught her stealing a loaf of bread and some soup. She was not prone to punish a youngster for being hungry, but when she entered the greenhouse past midnight trying to get a sample of dittany for when Lupin came out of his cage in the shrieking shack, Sprout hadn’t been that merciful then, and punished her for being so reckless, that did not dwell good on a young Selene’s mind, and with raising fury she antagonized the woman, screaming how little they cared about people like her to pretend to care now; she had to assist detention for a whole month after that. Flitwick once had been the recipient of Selene’s fury when he’d given Pettegrew a better grade than her, when it was apparent that he copied the whole essay from Potter, the small man, flustered and anxious didn’t know how to answer, and instead of placating the anger of a young student, claiming that he’d look into that, he’d just said, in an asphyxiated tone, that she needed to get better instead of trying to take down the rest of the students with her; It had been wrong, because he knew how good of a student she was, she finished the year without participating again in class, even when asked directly.  Kettleburn was probably the only one Selene had no previous issues with, mostly because she avoided care of magical creatures at all cost, preferring to focus on other assignments and classes.

And there was Trelawney, who looked at her as if she was going to implode in any second. The woman was older than her, for about two years, and never interacted with each other whilst being students, yet Selene knew she knew her. It was difficult not to know Selene Snape, even if she tried the best she could to keep her head low most of the time, she wasn’t able when a quartet of stupids followed around every corner.

Selene almost rejoiced in their discomfort, feeling a thrill of them experiencing at least a percentage of everything she’d endured when she was a student. But it was Trelawney’s weird expression, her big eyes following her around that irked her, made her skin crowl and the hairs of her nape to bristle.

They barely spoke, never having the need to. Selene wondered what Sirius would think about it.

She wasn’t often assigned to do night rounds, Mcgonagall was against it, her argument being that Selene was too young to properly chastise the students for them to go to bed. She’d been proved wrong, and a month since she started teaching, Selene was assigned her first round.

It was as boring and exhausting as anyone would’ve imagined. Walking around the castle without course, up and down the corridors and stairs. Without a soul to meet but the talking portraits that hung from the walls, yelling in disgust for her disruption of their sleep. 

She wondered what Sirius was doing whilst she paced around without intention to continue. Did he miss her? His chest felt constricted the same way hers did? She almost wished not to have told him about her patrol duty that night, to make him wait for her. For when she arrives at her room, she’ll see him inebriated and needy of her; Would he be so desperate for her presence to not care about the world, her duties nor the distance between them, and to show up in Hogwarts’ premises?-Would he search for her in a reckless fashion, desperate, stripped away from his artificial cockyness. That hair of his, that she liked so much, disheveled, unruly. Pearly beads of sweat falling down his skin, caressing his cheeks and his neck. His unsteady breathing, his heaving chest. His lips purring her name, calling on her, anguished and miserable? Would he say her name in that way she couldn’t help but flush like a fifteen year old?

But he was not waiting for her, for she had told him. She’d let him know in advance; yet still she wondered, did his heart felt as empty as hers?

Her fantasies were interrupted by the unmistakable sound of rapid steps. Annoyed, Selene walked towards the noise, making sure to cast a silencing spell to her shoes in order to take the student by surprise. She wouldn’t let go a chance to scare off any brat, and if said student turned out to be a Gryffindor it would’ve been heaven's smiling down at her.

But it was not, and she knew it the moment the students’ cape flicked around to show up the green behind it. 

A slytherin student, a third year. She was good with faces and names, just a month in and she already remembered the name and years of almost all her students. It was an acquired ability she guessed, a spy must be aware of her surroundings and the people in it. “Farley!” she barked at the young witch, she froze in the spot, not daring to look behind. Her head ducked between her frail shoulders. “May I ask what possessed you to violate the established curfew?” The girl turned around, blue eyes afraid and teary. Her lips were quivering, and Selene realized with not a short amount of terror, that she might make the girl cry. “Don’t waste my time and answer already. Or I’ll deduct a hundred points from slytherin for every second you take.” It was a lie, but the kid didn’t need to know that.

“I- I forgot my homework.” Selene did not respond, expecting the girl to explain her reasoning. “I left my transfiguration’s scroll at the divination classroom, and- And I thought I could retrieve it before bed…”

“You deemed wise to stay up late instead of retrieving it early in the morning?”

“I- I don’t think I would've been able to without arriving late! The divination tower takes a lot of time just to reach it! And climbing it takes even longer! I’m pretty sure Professor Trewlawney never comes down because it would be a herculean task to go up and down all day long!.”

Against her better judgement, she chuckled. It was true that Trelawney didn’t come out of her classroom often, not even for lunch. The few occasions she saw the woman were because something or someone needed her assistance. If a student didn’t have classes with her it was more than probable that they didn’t even know her name. “Although true, I don’t condone your actions, Miss Farley. I command you to go to bed immediately.”

“But-”

“And- I’ll grant you special permission to leave your common room by seven, only for tomorrow. I assume half an hour is enough time for you to retrieve your dear scroll?” The girl nodded enthusiastically, her blonde curls dancing around her face in an overwhelming excitement. Selene handed her a small paper with the instructions and her free pass, not before adding “Still, for your recklessness. Minus 30 points for slytherin.” The happiness installed in the girl’s face didn’t flicker at all, they both knew 30 points was nothing considering the late hour of the night she was out.

“Thank you, Professor Snape.” Farley said before turning around and running away, to the dungeons.

She was full of life, reddened cheeks and hopeful eyes. Selene couldn’t remember if she ever was like that. Yet, Harry would be, Draco would too. And she reminded herself that they were the reason behind her doings, the reason why she was awake that night on patrol duty.

But there was no need for them to be the only ones she held dear. She cared about her students. In the few weeks she started her teachings, she began to see how much they craved for her attention, her care, and how much she herself had a motherly instinct towards them. They would never be hers, they were not her kids nor her family. But she could be their teacher, the one with a severe face that showed some kindness once in a while.

She could be there, for the students the other members of the faculty left behind, for the kids who were just like her.

Decidedly, she started walking down the corridor, climbing the stairs up the divination tower- She would retrieve the scroll and hand it to a house elf so they could pass it to Miss Farley. There was no need for her to exhaust herself so early in the morning, and if she woke up early she might have the chance to check on it before handing it to Mcgonagall to grade.

She never liked divinations, mostly because she was never able to master the ability fully. It irked her the instability of it, how much could be just sardonic lies and not real prophecies. She stopped taking the class when she was fourteen, and she’d never entered the class since.

She didn’t expect to find Trelawney there, being so late. She also didn’t expect the woman to be talking alone, although she did so quite often.

There was something different in her, more unusual than her usual self, more deranged. She was talking, not even turning her head where Selene stood, ignoring her when she asked her what she was on about. Her curly hair hid her face, her eyes hidden behind the hair and pressed forcefully against both her palms. She was rambling, screaming and crying, and she repeated herself, she went on and on with words Selene could not understand.

Seventh month and boy were the first words Selene was able to decipher, and with terror she approached the other woman.

“What are you saying!?”

“A boy- A boy!” she shrieked, her voice high, making Selene’s ears cry. “The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches! The one born at the end of the seventh month!” Selene was holding Sybill’s shoulders, trying in vain for the woman to look back at her, for her to make sense. “He who as he is born from mixed blood-! Neither can live while the other survives!”

Selene felt herself shiver, her blood running cold. A boy, a boy born in the seventh month. A half-blood.

Harry.

“A boy! The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord!” She exclaimed again, in trance, her eyes distant and her voice high.

“Shut it!” screamed Selene, her beating heart in her throat, unable to accept the reality of what the other was claiming. “Shut it I tell you!”

Trelawney’s eyes became white, the shriek coming out of her open mouth echoed in the saloon to the stairs below. Selene watched the woman as she contoured, as if saying those terrifying words hurt her.

But then, as if taken by surprise, she rightened herself, her spine no longer twisted and her eyes focused again, watching Selene as she had lost her head, as if she was the mad one, as if she hadn’t been screaming a terrible prophecy just seconds ago. “Oh my- It’s so late.” She whispered as if to herself, then once again focused her eyes on the other, they still were unsetting, but no longer filled with the lunatic gleam of before. “Selene, is something wrong?”

Selene was uncertain how she managed it, how she ran down the stairs and the corridors without tripping over. She reached her office, then her adjoined room. She fell down to the floor, next to the chimney, her breathing unstable, her tears clouding her sight. Her wand felt heavy on her hands, her trembling hands. She tried to make the fire burning, but she couldn’t remember the spell, how could she not remember the spell?

“Calm down, calm down.” She said to herself, yet she could feel herself not breathing, and starting to get numb. It would do nothing to hyperventilate and die in this situation, but how could she not? How could she be calm when Harry’s life was at stake?

Somehow she managed to light the fire.

“Sirius-” She cried, her voice muffled by her respirations, or the lack of it, the name came out in a pleading voice, almost inaudible. “Sirius!” She called again, this time it came stronger. “Please- Please. Please! I need you- Sirius-” Her voice was begging, a humiliation she would dare to dwell on later. She did not care about a thing right now, she needed him.

His face appeared amongst the flames, his mocking smile disappearing the moment he laid his eyes on her agitated self. She was going to plead for his help, the way she’d done with Dumbledore when Kreacher was bleeding on her arms, the same way she begged the man to take care of the beaten up house elf. She’d done the impossible for him, and she would do so again; she would do anything if that ensured Harry’s safety. 

But it was not necessary, he didn’t even expect her to explain, Sirius took a look on her face and stated. “I’m coming.”

And disappeared.

Selene sat there, in the middle of her dim lighted room, wide eyes and petrified. Trying to process what was going on. Her tremors didn’t stop, her breathing continued to be unstable, minutes passed and she still sat there, wondering what to do next. It was not common of her to be unresponsive in times of high stress, but there she was, unable to react.

She didn’t even acknowledge the soft rasp outside her room, and when someone opened her door she only turned her head to see where the noise was coming from.

Sirius stood there, in her room, face flushed, beads of sweat running down his scalp. A worried expression plastered on his face. His eyes filled with panic, his brows furrowed.

He said nothing and she didn’t either, only extended her arms towards him, a silent plea for him to comfort her.

He ran to her, he fell to his knees next to her, she heard the way his bones hitted the floor, yet he remained focused on her, ignoring the pain that must certainly have brought him. His arms enveloped her, she hid her face on his neck, breathing in that awful after shave he used. She felt safe, cushioned between his arms and his warmth.

And let herself weep. Harder than before, as if the agonizing pain she felt inside was from a physical source.

Selene felt his hands caressing her hair, her back. Soft and sweet whispers in her ears, even softer kisses being placed in her hair, in her forehead, in her hands.

“I’m here, Selene. I’m here for you.” Sirius stated, whispering kind words to calm her. Honeyed claims that she should be distrustful of. For this was the man who almost killed her once, who hated the sight of her. “I’m all yours.”

But the thing was, she believed him.

Chapter Text

A long time passed before any of them could say anything, desperate, they held each other, as if a mere whisper of wind could separate them and break the tender spell they were in.

Selene breathing soothed after crying for Merlin knows how long. Now her soft exhales tickled Sirius’ neck, a soft caress he dared not to think too deeply into, not when she was in such a state; how gentlemanly of him, who would’ve guessed?

The effects of the alcohol he’d ingested during the afternoon to late hours of the night had diminished, yet he still felt languid. It might be related to her , of his Selene letting him hold her as much as the booze.

“What happened?” Against his own desires and the need to keep her there, entangled with him, Sirius spoke. He had to be useful to her, and her fears wouldn’t just go away by embracing her, as much as he wanted to. She shivered under him, her frame trembling once again; something certainly horrible must have occurred for Selene Snape to react in such fashion. She was prone to anger and exaltation but never to hysterics and despair.

She fidgeted under him, putting some distance between them, but not much, only enough to look at the other’s eyes, gray met black, her doe eyes big and tearful, reddened and puffy. Tears refusing to be shed gathering in the corner of her eyes.

“Harry is in danger.” Her tone was fatal, if Sirius felt his body shutting down before, now it was the other way around. He uprighted himself, not daring to separate from her but alarmed enough for his features to show his panic. She kept talking, not letting him succumb to despair the same way she did. “Trelawney said this- Prophecy of some sort. She claimed a boy would be the dark lord’s doom”

“You cannot know she was talking about Harry.”

“She was, Sirius! She said a half-blood boy! A boy born at the end of the seventh month! Who else but Harry-?” Anxiety settled on her once again, her hands trembling violently as they grabbed Sirius’ collar to make him look at her, it hadn’t been necessary, he’d refused to look anywhere but her direction.

Sirius took her hands off his collar, grabbing them firmly yet gently, the action made her doubt, worried eyes focused on their intertwined hands. “She had been claiming things since we were at school, none of them were true-”

“Yes, but don’t you understand? I know this must be false, a simple babe cannot be the answer to all the perils of the world. But Sirius, no matter if it is true or not, I am supposed to tell him.” Sirius' flabbergasted expression made her doubt whether to continue talking or not, she decided to go on, to trust in him as she had been doing until now. “I am not going to tell him a thing, obviously, don’t look at me in such a way- I would never dare to do so. But if this comes out, if he for some reason hears this, I know he’ll go after Harry. He would not care of how ridiculous this sounds, he will not let it be. Don’t you see? He’ll do anything to get what he wants. Killing a baby boy is above him.”

“We will make sure he never knows. You wouldn’t say a thing and I would never dare to and-”

She interrupted him, talking rapidly, afraid of not getting through his dense skull, accelerated in her nervousness, anxiety clouding her so often severe predisposition. “-And what about Trelawney? What if she repeats it to some unfortunate student who would tell another and that one would tell another and so on. What if the dark lord gets angry at us? What if we do anything to enrage him, that for some reason I don’t understand we still haven’t done, and he tortures us? What if we are in such a mental state of despair that we just give him the information?” Both understood that what she claimed were extreme situations, but they were in war, extreme lines were already crossed, inhumane situations were just as expected, and considering all they both had witnessed as death eaters, they were just waiting for it to come. “We cannot just sit here and wait for him to do something, Siri. I cannot bear it.” 

Dumbledore almost fell from his chair when he heard the news, he grabbed the edge of his desk to keep his composure.

“I believe the best will be to inform the Potters about the risk that could befall on them.” He said, minutes later, pondering about the situation. Their victories thus far had been few, too little to consider themselves successful, thanks to Selene and Sirius they knew about most movements the death eaters made, and that Voldemort until the moment had at least three horcruxes and that they had only one of them in their possession; the locket Regulus retrieved. But the snake that followed him around was almost impossible to reach, and the ring was secure in his finger.

Dumbledore had preferred another approach, to weaken his assets, to keep him at bay from the ministry and St. Mungos, to avoid letting him recruit more and more of his students. He’d fail in almost all of those points. A direct approach was needed, but the dark lord was never close to the battle, keeping himself secured in his manor. The only ones who were constantly in his presence to do anything were both Sirius and Selene, for any of them to do something was simple a suicidal mission, that would most likely cost them any advantage they had over him.

These were dark times.

“We must inform Remus and Peter too. They are around most of the time, if anything happens we need them to be aware of the dangers. So we all can protect Harry.” Dumbledore nodded, absently. Selene’s brows furrowed, and her eyes widened in an amalgam of terror and disgust.

“Do we?” Her question surprised him, Sirius had been sure Selene had come to terms with his friends in the long months they all were forced to coexist. Her distrust of them pained him.

But she had her reasoning. Selene was certain that Lily would never dare to do anything to hurt her own son, and as much as she still hated Potter, she was sure he would protect him to his last breath, she’d seen him with the babe, she’d watched him cradle him, the gentleness only a father so different from her own would have, that obvious display of affection and fear, the fear of a father, the uncertainty of the future, of the security of his family.

She was certain that they would do anything in their power to protect Harry. But the rest?

Lupin was a coward, she was almost sure he would never do something hurtful on purpose, but what if someone cornered him? What if someone forces him to put his life and Harry’s on a balance? What would he choose?

The thing is, she didn’t know. She didn’t know him, and that was enough to not trust in him.

She’d wanted to be his friend once, only to be terribly hurt after. She couldn’t risk it with Harry.

And Pettigrew? He was always so anxious, so paranoid and fretful. If it were for her he wouldn't even know about her condition as a spy. She didn’t care how much of a friend he was to Sirius, he just didn’t trust him.

But she shouldn’t say those things to him, not now when his emotions were too erratic after the news. She was sure that saying what she felt would hurt him, but not saying it could put Harry’s life in danger. “I do not believe it wise to inform so many people. Word could get out and-”

His eyes, his gray eyes so particular of him, so different from his own brother, bore on her own. filled with reproach and disappointment. It hurt, it had been years since she last had a look like this coming from him. “They would never! I would put my own life in their hands, there is no one I would trust more than in them.” but you he didn’t add, even if he considered it obvious, it was not so obvious for her. And the hurt look in her eyes gave him the answer.

Dumbledore favoured Sirius, as he always did.

Sirius grabbed her hand before leaving, a gentle touch to imply that they were good, that they will be okay.

-

Barely a couple of days passed before Dumbledore summoned him again, alone this time. On Saturday morning, the weather was colder than it should.

The marauders and Lily were informed of the dangers they were in, and how their safety could change any minute. The dark lord continued to be ignorant of the prophecy, and Dumbledore was trying desperately to come up with a plan to fasten things up.

His idea was the most senseless shit Sirius ever heard.

“When your brother and Selene were to be married, the dark lord agreed under one condition. He ought to have the droit du seigneur. The jus primae noctis , if you may know it as that. He would have his way over Selene on her wedding night ” His words were passive, almost absent of any emotion, as if they were nothing. As if Sirius hadn’t heard the most disturbing fact about his brother. Had he been willing to do such a thing? Was that why he’d died before? Did his heart feel as frantic as his, as if it had been ripped from his chest for the dark lord’s entertainment?

He hadn’t known, he knew Voldemort had a thing for Selene, that he was merciless on his gestures, in the way he would grope her under anyones prying eye, but he didn't know what his brother took away from the dark lord. How he denied him his prize. Yet he wondered, what was stopping him now? What was he waiting for?

“I believe, as Selene does too, that he’s waiting for her to come to him, to give herself freely to him.” He coughed, uncomfortable, the first display of emotion from the man. “And we pretend to use it in our favour.”

Dread climbed his spine, his chest constricted, scared of what the man was implying. “What on earth do you mean with that?” Sirius’ voice surprised even himself, the calmness he displayed was something to behold, nothing compared to the turmoil he felt inside, the way he wanted to scream and pull his hair and fly towards the Malfoy manor and kill anyone there.

“The ring on his finger is the hardest horcrux to get, in a direct encounter it is almost impossible to get it. Selene, on the other hand, has the advantage of his desire for her. She could try to make him take it off.”

“But you are not just asking for that. You’re expecting her to seduce him and then take the ring from him.”

“Yes…” He seemed sad, burdened with the situation. Sirius didn’t care how the man felt.

“And you need my help in this because…?”

“In the case of Selene being discovered we need you close, to get her out or to maintain your facade in case something goes wrong.”

If something goes wrong.

The only certainty of the old man is that if something goes wrong Selene would end up dead.

The dark lord would not forgive such betrayal, and Dumbledore needed him to just stand aside whilst it happened.

What does this man think the dark lord would do to her if discovered? He truly thought he would just murder her? Doesn’t he think he’ll torture her? Most certainly in front of all of the death eaters near? Ah, but that’s where Sirius comes in, to give her the mercy she will certain desire in such moments and just let her die, to kill her instead of keeping her suffering.

Was Dumbledore senseless? 

“I will not do it.” Sirius said, his voice absent of any emotion, keeping the mask he had raised up, "You cannot ask me to.” He said with a smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes. It was probably the first time in Sirius Black’s life he considered Dumbledore to be out of his mind. He was eccentric for sure, often talking in riddles and never actually saying what he meant to say, always getting into his head to see what occurred in the death eaters´’ meetings instead of asking directly. Ever since Selene took the professor position the old man made clear of his distrust. The dark lord forced his hand and Selene needed to be put in Hogwarts, and Dumbledore was left with only him to provide with important information. Selene was never required in the death eaters' meetings, Voldemort only summoned her privately, so the information was required from both of them. He knew Dumbledore didn’t trust him, not because he thought him disloyal, but because he deem him incapable of maintaining composure and the correct facade of a spy, and probably just believed him simple-minded. “Have you actually lost your mind that you come up with such nonsense!?” His angriness came at full display now, impossible to control, he’d uprighted himself, standing up from the chair and banging both his palms on the headmaster's desk.

But Sirius never distrusted the old man, trusting that for every weird and deranged petition he made he must be in the right, in any event and no matter what, they needed to follow him, because he knew how to fight Voldemort, and following Dumbledore was their chance for all of it to finally stop. For all of them to be safe, for him and Selene to go on with their lives.

But he couldn’t do this, not when Selene’s welfare was already hanging on a thin thread. Especially not when his brother gave his life for it not to happen.

Dumbledore was unfazed by his fit of temper, he gave a sip to his cup of tea as if they were discussing the weather, the colour of the room or the unfitting drapes, not the trading of Selene Snape. 

“Selene is aware of the risks she took when she became an spy and I’m certain she’ll agree once-”

“Don’t piss me off, Dumbledore. I don’t care if Selene told you directly that she was going to jump the astronomy tower for your cause! I will not do it !” His face felt red, and his chest about to explode, never in his life had he been more enraged.“I’m aghast that you of all people are asking something like this! Risking a woman’s welfare and for what?” 

“It is of great importance for this job. We cannot risk more time.”

They already wasted a bunch of time, Sirius knew, months and months of nothing, no achievement, lives forgone and time that will never return. But the way was not this, he couldn’t care how much sense it made, he would not put her through that. “You put me inside the death eaters to take care of her, didn’t you? Well that's what I'm going to do! Even if that means to keep her away from you.” He turned away, decided to leave the premises, until Dumbledore interrupted him.

“Sirius, you cannot-”

“I cannot what!?”

“You cannot put your feelings over the bigger picture. If we do not succeed, not before he makes more horcruxes- This could mean the fall of the whole magic world as we know it and-

“Wait- Wait.” Sirius raised his right hand, making his former professor stop. “You think I care?” Sirius chuckled, a twisted smile adorning his lips. Dumbledore’s surprise was almost laughable. “You really do, you truly think I care about the magic world and all that senseless shit?” It made sense, for anyone to think that of him, to believe him as this righteous hero who faced the perils of the world to change it and let it become a better place. “You really think I care enough about others to put her through that?” That was not him, he was not prone to self-sacrifice, he was selfish and needy, and he didn’t care about others, he cared about his people, his friends, his family. He cared about Selene because Selene was all of those things and more, because she was the one he thought about every night before going to sleep, she was the one that clouded his every sense since he was but a tween. Because he loved her desperately and wouldn’t stand for this bullshit a minute longer. “I would set the whole world on fire if that’s what it takes to keep her safe.”

“Harry will be in danger and-”

“And we will defend him, that’s why we have magic for. I will not hide, I will not make her go through something so degrading because you’re scared of him. Do not try to sweet talk me into this, Dumbledore, I will not give in.” He turned around, opening the door to leave, but before doing so he turned around, looking directly to the man he had trusted for so long in vain. “If I see any sneaky thing out of you, again, I’ll take her with me and we’ll disappear. And you will not do without spies under your thumb.”

-

As every Saturday, Selene was summoned to Malfoy's manor.

Barely days after Trelawney’s outburst.

The dark lord hadn’t diminished his attention since she started her new job as a professor, if anything he’d become more erratic, more needy. Before he had been able to be around her almost everyday, her lab being on the first floor on the Malfoy’s manor, merely feets away from his office, yet now she was away from his reach, and the only moment she was at his disposal was barely a day of the weekend.

He, for some reason, trusted her enough to spy on Dumbledore, and of course, she would tell only what the headmaster commanded her to. It was a ridiculous trick yet quite effective.

That is until now.

Selene knew something was amiss the moment she entered the manor. Its usually filled hallways were bare, no soul near, no murmur, not even a glimpse of that house elf Kreacher was so against to, the one he claimed was too jolly and underqualified. She took a stroll around, wondering if she’d mistook the day for some reason, hoping to catch a sight of Cissy or Lucius perhaps. Maybe spend the afternoon with Draco if there was no meeting with the Dark Lord to attend.

“The dark lord awaits for you.” Bellatrix’s voice came from behind as Selene was reaching the stairs, her dark stare fixated on her. But she was different too, her usual angered expression gone, that barely contained jealousy wiped from her face; instead she was smiling, a grimace almost as disturbing as Walburga Black own smile. A mixture of derangement and content.

A wicked cat who got the cream.

It should have been the first hint to run away, instead Selene walked around her, towards the office of their shared master. Their eyes met before Selene opened the door, her beautiful yet cruel eyes followed her around, waiting for her to act. Bellatrix's beauty always disturbed her, she had the same type of beauty all the Blacks shared, the same darkness Regulus and Sirius had, even that enticing mystery Cissy wore, but on her, on this maddened woman, it was so different, so uncanny. Almost as if her body was not her own, but a mere pretence.

Selene could see her brown eyes assessing her, calculating her next move, but did nothing as she reached the knob and entered the room. As the door closed, Bellatrix’s eyes continued staring at her, until her whole frame was obscured by the dark wooden door.

Voldemort’s back was turned to her, his gaze fixed on the window, on the exterior, on the beautiful gardens Narcissa took such care of. His stand was the one he often used to chastise her, disappointment exuding from his pores.

Selene wondered what she had done now, to evoke such a response. Or what he had discovered to react in such a way. Dread filled her insides at the endless possibilities. 

“My lord.” Selene saluted, the man didn’t acknowledge her presence, instead he kept staring outside.

It was odd, and settled the uncomfortable sentiment in her chest, fidgeting with her hands behind her back, where he couldn’t see them.

“I noticed you changed your style.” His ominous voice was cold, not filled with the usual heat of his desires, but with the same indifference he talked to the rest of his acolytes. It was true though, Selene had changed her hair only the day before, cutting it short, the longest strands reaching her nape on the back, and the ones in the front caressing delicately her jaw. It had been an act of pure vanity, she’d cut it short after graduating, her usual long hair gone for good, but after everything that transcurred after, she’d just let it grow, letting it burden her with the weight of life.

It’d been a couple of days ago, the same day that they told Lily and the marauders about the prophecy that the subject was brought in. She’d been holding Harry, and he unceremoniously had pulled her hair down, his tiny hand in a fist, refusing to let her go. Sirius laughed at her, and Lily tried to free her from the baby’s pull whilst she tried in vain not to laugh at her friend, the always severe Selene Snape trapped by a baby’s fist.

“Your hair is so long, he always wants to pull it. I guessed he finally succeeded.” Harry's babbling didn’t add much to the conversation, but when Sirius took him in his arms and was finally separated from Selene he started to make a fuss. He always did so when it came to her.

“Maybe if I cut it he’ll stop.” Selene said, not thinking on her words, but the two who accompanied her stared at her in disbelief.

“And why would you do that?”

“So I can hold him without fear of ending up bald-?” The answer was obvious but surprised them for some reason.

“It’s your hair, Selene. It’s your statement cut.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve had short hair before.”

“When?”

“The day after graduation I cut it.” Regulus liked it , she wanted to add, but thought against it, knowing his mention would sour the mood. Still, her words made them uncomfortable, aware of all the time they spent away from her, for so long.

They’d become so close in the last months, that it was almost laughable to think what they were once.

“Well- Don’t cut it now, I like your hair long.” Sirius said, a teasing smile in his lips. He might be saying the truth, but the statement was playful, and Selene took it as a challenge.

She’d cut it the very next day, on friday.

Sirius hadn’t seen her yet.

“You don’t like it, my lord?” if he'd been in his usual mood he would’ve said that he loved her in any way she presented herself, he would probably lean closer, would sniff at her hair, caress it, brush it down with his fingers to tease her, he did none of those things. She’d been scared of him before, of his touches that were up to no good, but in this moment, receiving his indifference was more chilling than ever. 

He hadn’t looked at her way yet, he probably saw her from the window before she entered the building. Selene couldn’t see his expression, she couldn’t make anything of him but for the way his body was obviously tense.

Minutes passed and he didn’t answer, his only reaction was to bow down his head and to lay his hand over his forehead, as if wondering.

Should she run? Maybe it was for the best, but the dark lord had difficult days, days where he was unpredictable and it didn’t mean he actually discovered her. He might be angry at someone and decided to slash on her, it happened before, but not like this.

He turned around, his face tired, he looked older somehow, troubled, his eyes filled with torment, his left hand rested inside of the pocket of his trousers whilst the other was on top of his chest, as an overwhelmed old woman who just received terrible news. She decided not to dwell on what type of news he’d heard.

He walked towards her, his face trying hard to be passive, but the turmoil in his mind was apparent. She wanted to ask what happened, if not to keep things civil to at least satiate her curiosity. Selene decided against it, worried about his reaction.

“I believe it is not my opinion the one you crave, is it not?”

“My lord-?” Any question, any wondering phrase she might have in store for him was quickly taken away the moment his free hand met her neck.

His grip was strong, his eyes were red in anger, literally red. 

“You think- You think you can betray me like this as if I were nothing!?” As he tightened his hold, his fingers digging on the tender flesh of her neck, he pushed her towards the wall, her head bouncing at the full force of the movement, Selene felt dizzy, numb, her skull vibrating with the aftermath of the hit. Voldemort didn’t let her go, his face mere centimetres away from hers, his brows furrowed and red eyes fixated on her. In the movement he’d taken her wand from her, too astonished to act before. “A filthy little thing like you, dares to be against ME!? I was going to give you everything , you were going to rule with me, side by side.” His voice was strangled, his eyes filled with tears, as if the act pained him. His voice, almost a whimper, his hair, disheveled. Never had he been so unkempt. “You turn your back on me, and for what?” he spatted, angrier than before.

“H-how?” she could muster, although it barely came out as a whisper.

“Have you never learnt, Selene. After years and years of disrespect you still had to trust those boys, didn’t you?” Dread rose on her spine, widened black eyes met red, he chuckled, savouring her despair. “Don’t you know how little you mean to them? Whilst you mean everything to me?” His face soured, his left hand fidgeted to get out of his pocket. “And you still turned away from me, you had to put the life of a toddler on top of mine-” He knew about Harry, panic settling on her chest. He relished in her surprise, a disturbing grin on his lips. “Yes, I know all about it,  you pretend to be so clever, so astonishing but you know nothing. Had you asked me and I would have kept the baby alive, don’t you see? We could have raised him as our own, the first of a great lineage of our flesh and blood. You could’ve asked anything and I would have done all in my power to give it to you.” His grip in her neck was strong yet didn’t leave her without air, in any moment he could easily do so. The dark lord pouted, as a child would do, an infant that lost their precious toy. “But instead, you sided with them. Pettigrew had no issues in selling you off when he arrived at my door.”

Selene had known that Pettigrew didn’t trust her, that he was wary of her. He always shutted up when she entered a room, always stood far away from her, and when Lupin tried to include her in conversations. he would quickly excuse himself. She had thought- she believed it was because of his loyalty towards Potter, the same loyalty the others had but didn’t display fully, because even if they didn’t like her, at least at the beginning, they trusted her, because of her sacrifice, because they knew all she faced just to ensure their safety.

Pettigrew hadn’t cared about that.

And the worst part wasn’t that he had sold her off, it was because he had exposed Harry.

He could have told him only about her, but no, he had to tell him about the baby, about the prophecy. And Selene felt like crying.

It was all gone now, Harry was not going to be safe, this man, this monster in front of her was going to kill her and she would never see him grow, and he will most likely never grow, not when his fate was in this demon’s hands.

Tears welled up in her eyes, and didn’t care when they began to shed, didn’t care if she was weak in the eyes of her master. She was going to die, and there was no respite, no peace that she could make with it.

All her purpose of the last years, everything she endured was for nothing.

Somehow, someway, his face twisted at the sight of her cries, almost as if he wanted to console her. What a joke.

His hands trembled on her neck, force increasing, his face getting closer. “Does it hurt you? It is nothing compared to what you did to me, Selene. Oh Selene, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!?” He pushed her against the wall again, the world felt dizzier, if it was because of the pain or the lack of air she couldn’t tell. His lips trembled, his voice whimpering. This was it, this was the end, she hadn’t done anything good with her life and this was the end of all the pain, all the anguish.

But it hurt, she believed she’d come to terms with her life ending at any moment, but she hadn’t-

He placed something cold on top of her lips, the edge of something made of glass. As his right hand strangled her, his left rested on her chin, his fingers trembled on holding the tiny bottle- Sweet smells surrounded her.

The soft smell of a baby’s sweat, the same Draco and Harry shared, lavender, and that disgusting after shave Sirius always wore to piss her off.

Amortentia.

Chapter Text

Selene will never admit it, not to others and even less to herself, but it was that damned smell of Sirius’ after-shave that brought her back to her senses.

To do something so like Sirius. To just, fight back, not caring about the outcome, not to plead or talk her way out of it, just fight.

She had no wand, taken from her in a minute of confusion, and her despair rested on her throat.

Selene pursed her lips, forcing them shut, for the potion did not enter her system, the liquid smeared down her mouth to her jaw. The dark lord, desperate, tried to force her lips to open with his own fingers, with her left hand she grabbed onto his arm, trying to force him away.

The anguish in those reddened eyes unsettled her to the core, and her own desperation rose to the point she could not see anything around her but those red eyes. She wanted to scream and call out for help, but in this Manor no one would even pretend to listen to her pleas, Lucius would turn around and pretend he did not know her, Narcissa would feign indifference, and they were the only ones who cared a damn about her.

But she could not ask them anything else, not when their own lives were at stake, not when Draco’s fate was decided by the wishes of their master.

This was their home, but were prisoners in it as much as Selene was.

She’d always known how important it was to perform wandless magic, although never felt as proficient in it as she might have preferred, all her doubts flew out of the window the moment a ray of light emerged from her body, slicing the dark lord’s hand and part of her forearm.

She might have laughed at his expression, the utter surprise and horror seeing his severed hand resting limp at their feet and then back at the clean cut just over his wrist bone. But these were no moments to be maniatic, not even when her whole body was desperate to just give in and panic, to run away maddened. She needed to focus, to not succumb to panic, and she almost didn’t react until something metallic shone in that abandoned hand, something Selene and the order needed to end it all; the ring.

Almost as if reading her thoughts, almost as if their minds were connected, being one and the same, because that's what he was, the brutal reminder of her foul insides. He also rushed to get a hold onto the amputated limb, he knew now what she wanted, why she kept up with all his atrociousness and bile rising caresses.

Yet he was unsuccessful, for Selene grabbed it before him and ran away as fast as she could. Her own magic defended her, like a child just witnessing their own prowess when their magic began to show itself. It throwed Voldemort away from her, almost as an expelliarmus would, it gave her the chance to escape, mere seconds of advantage to free herself from his grasp.

Bellatrix tried to stop her, but her thoughts were clouded by her master’s wellbeing, and when Selene threw her the ringless hand, her only thought was to take it, to retrieve it to her master. Bellatrix would have been difficult to fight with, Selene would’ve lost miserably if the other had not been distracted with the wailing of her master. She commanded the rest of the death eaters present to attack Selene.

She heard her former master calling for her, commanding anyone near to bring her back to him.

“Bring her to me!” he wailed, a painful sound even to her ears, a banshee’s cries echoing on the infinite rooms of the Manor.

Her wandless magic was less powerful than it should be with a wand, if she’d used sectumsempra with it she might’ve severed her own arm too and not just Voldemort’s hand, although the cut it inflicted in her forearm was long and bloody, she had no time to take care of it.

Avery and Mulciber didn’t lack talent but never cared to learn protecting spells, always attacking and not caring for anything else, she knew their tactic, she’d fought alongside them. It hadn’t been hard to disarm them, even without a wand. They were part of the few death eaters in the premises, Selene wondered where the hell were Lucius and Narcissa and at the same time she prayed for them not to appear.

Selene ran, as fast as she could, until her lungs hurt and felt like they were bleeding, up the stairs, looking for a window to crash herself into, to escape without care of the broken glass nor the cuts over her face, she found the most obvious answer, the one illuminating the stairs, dark green and black plastered onto the glass, the Malfoy’s crest embedded in the window.  A bundle of blonde hair appeared, Selene dreaded the encounter.

Narcissa’s troubled gaze, her blue eyes fixated on her, taking her in, on the blood on her clothes and the maddening features on her face. She did not care for any of it; when she extended her hand, her wand in it, Selene knew she was doomed, for she wouldn't dare to fight Narcissa, not with her current state, her uncontrolled magic running free, not when she could seriously hurt her the way she did with Avery, his corpse impaled on one of the wooden railings of the stairs, or with Carrow, who’s lifeless body rested in pieces over the rug.

They fought her in vain, but Selene couldn’t bring herself to fight the one person who was with her at her lowest.

Yet, she didn’t have to, instead of hexing her in the spot, Narcissa handed her her wand, ushering her away, whispering “be safe.” Before running upstairs again, to the other direction from where other death eaters gathered in order to follow her.

And before the steps around the corner would come even nearer, Selene broke with her own the giant stained glass window that rested on top of the rest of the stairs, where the image of the dragon crest and the snakes would be no more, and disappeared in the distance in a cloud of smoke.

*

Selene appeared on the front stairs of Lily’s house, her left arm all bloodied, the big cut crossed diagonally on her forearm, she needed to calm down and take care of it, but all her thoughts were screaming in agony. 

She’d been discovered, after all this years Voldemort had finally learnt the truth, and from Peter fucking Pettigrew! 

How could he? How dare he betray them like that? To betray Lily, betray Sirius and Lupin? To betray James fucking Potter!? Wasn’t he enamoured with him?

Didn’t he know that Lily would be in danger after this? That little Harry would be a target now? That his beloved James Potter now will turn into Voldemort’s main enemy?

That bloody moron did not care. As confused as it was his reasoning to betray his friends, Selene couldn’t care less.

The anger and disgust flowed through her body in a frenzy. She felt her face red with anger even if she had been losing blood like crazy for the past minutes.

She needed to tell them, to warn all of them. 

They’d take Harry away, to a country people needed to search on encyclopaedias to know about. They should all go, Sirius would definitely come after her, and Lupin wouldn’t dare to be left behind. Harry needs to be looked after, Lily and Potter will need help, and with all of them they could protect him. Yes- They are going to do it, everything will be fine.

Everything would be fine.

She just needs to warn them first. And take care of her bloody arm.

But the door opened, and Peter’s frame collided with hers. He seemed oblivious, a tense smile adorning his lips. Until he realised her state, the blood covering almost every inch of her body, her hair soaked, his eyes widened in fear.

“You- Miserable rat!” Cissy’s wand trembled as the enchantment flooded from the tip, green lighting striking nothing, for the slimy rat had run away out of her reach. He went inside, racing towards the living room, screaming in fear.

“James! James! Help!” He called, begging for a hand.

How dare he? How dare he call for help? How dare he beg for the help of the ones he’d condemned? How dare he ask for the help of the father of the baby he’d just doomed?

“You’ll pay for this!” Selene’s voice echoed in her own ears, she was a woman possessed, angry and maniacal, unable to focus but in the wretched bastard that now hid behind the couch. She didn’t see herself, the way she had blood smeared on her face, on her clothes, her own and her master’s, of the ones she’d killed without a second thought, for her magic had acted without her control, for it had defended her acting out of her deepest desires, without wand for her to control her impulses, her wants and her wishes, it just acted without command, without restraint. But they didn’t know that, they didn’t know what had transcurred since they last saw her, the only thing they saw was this crazed woman trying to hurt one of them.

She couldn’t make sense of anything around her, on the screams of Lupin, on Lily begging her to stop and explain what was going on, or the disruptive threats Potter was spitting at her back.

Before the green light could reach Pittegrew, he’d make himself smaller and smaller, like the disgusting rat he was, and before she could follow after him, to follow the little steps and his frantic runaway, Potter made sure to take her out of the fight.

“Expelliarmus!” Her body collided hard against one of the walls, in which several pictures of James and his family hung, some fell down on top of the limp body of the woman he’d dreaded the most, she was out, but for how long? “Peter, get the hell away from here, now! I don’t know what the fuck got into her but we need you to be safe!” He looked at his friend, still on his rat-skin, motionless. “GO! NOW!” The rat finally started to move, his little body escaping under the floor clearance of the front door.

“Remus, help me tie her.” he commanded his friend, who to James’ chagrin, stood paralysed looking at the pale woman’s frame. He noticed how she actually looked paler than usual, her lips absent of the usual pink tint in them. 

James cursed for distracting himself with ridiculous details. They needed to act, if she was possessed by some kind of curse or that she had just finally lost her mind as he always expected her to do, it did not matter, the outcome was the same, they had to protect themselves from her. “Remus!” He shouted, finally making his friend look at him instead of the unconscious body of the woman, but Remus didn’t move, he was terrified, his own face drowned of all colour, his scars and freckles more noticeable for the absence of it.

“What?” Lily’s voice echoed this time, with a nervous frame and trembling voice she defied him, aghast at his reasoning to combat her friend, the same friend who tried to kill Peter, who barged in with bloodied clothes and deranged eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Lily, she attacked us! We cannot just leave her like this!”

“You don’t know why she reacted like that!”

Remus was quick to show his support to her, trying to find a reason for Snape's deranged behaviour. “She might be under the imperius curse! Maybe she acted on command, and that’s why-”

“And does that change anything!?” His voice was coarse and it hurt his throat, he had no time to waste in useless arguments. “She barged inside and attacked Peter! Peter! For Merlin’s sake!” James breathed in, trying desperately not to lose his temper, why was no one on his side? How come they still sided on with Snape after what they’d just witnessed? He needed Sirius here, to side with him as he always did, to fight Lily and Remus on this, as they did back at school whenever Snape was the topic of discussion. “If she was under a curse we might as well make sure that it wears down before we are at her mercy.”

His words made sense, Lily knew that, it didn’t mean he wanted to hurt Selene, he just wanted to make sure they were all alright. It still didn’t sit right in her mind, and by the look on Remus eyes, in his either. 

But he was right, Selene always clouded her judgement.

“She’s bleeding.” Remus’ ominous voice took them out of their stupor, pointing up to the place on the floor where her blood was pooling. 

Lily ran after her friend, falling down at her side, frantically searching for the source of the damage.

It was James who noticed that Selene’s black eyes opened once again, as psychotic as they were before.

*

Sirius hadn’t expected anything different that particular Saturday afternoon. He’d faced Dumbledore, angry and maybe a little bit irrational, but he did not care.

He needed to talk to Selene, maybe he’ll floo himself to Hogsmeade like the last time, and show himself to her office during the night. And perhaps they could sort things up.

About them, about the future, about what they should do.

He wanted to escape, to heck with the order if they commanded to put her at risk. He has been idle for far too long, sorting his feelings up and letting her suffer in return.

He sighed, done with his own incompetence, his inadequacy to be with her. He did not care if he was not fit to be with her, he’ll try to be up to the task, he’ll try to do better every day of his life if that was it took for her to look at him with just a hint of fondness in her eyes.

He’d seen tenderness in her, he’d seen her disarm herself in his presence, to disrobe herself of her barriers. He’d taken a glimpse of her true self, of her softer self, and with it he refused to let go.

It will be impossible for him, to let her leave, to make her live away from him, happy and serene. Because if he did not have her, life was meaningless, obscure and empty, like all those years he’d spent without her presence, without even a glimpse of her.

Too enthralled by his own thoughts, Sirius didn’t notice the splashes of blood on James’ front door, not until he passed beside it and the smell reached his nostrils.

Alarmed, he ran inside, scared and frantic, hoping for the worst, and definitely not ever expecting what he’d faced in that precise moment.

Selene stood in the middle of the room, her hair damp with sweat and blood, it stick to her face leaving small soft traces of pinkish red. She was scowling, angry and wary, her eyes were scary and also frightened, a maddened expression nobody ever saw in her. It made Sirius’ heart clench, it hurt to see.

She was not alone, in her arms was Harry, his chubby little face stained red, Selene was holding him with her right arm, cradling him close to her body, almost as if afraid of him being taken away from her, and she was, her stance was menacing, her left hand uprighted, pointing her wand towards Sirius’ best mate.

James was in no better state than her, his clothes were clean of any stain, but his eyes were as enraged as hers, his wand pointing at her, his face angry with barely contained fury.

Lily was shouting something, asking for them to stop, but it did nothing, both of them too focused on some physiological battle Sirius wasn’t invited to. Remus was holding his head with his hands, as scared as Lily was, both unable to act.

But what was to do? Selene wouldn’t hurt Harry.

Selene’s maddened gaze waned down the moment his eyes met hers, her shoulders relaxing at the presence of someone who would support her.

“What is going on here?” He exclaimed a little nervous by the outburst surrounding them, walking towards the mess, he reached Selene and put himself as a shield between her and James.

Prong’s eyes seemed to waver, wanting to stay focused on Selene yet Sirius's presence destabilised him. “Your girlfriend lost her damned head, that’s what’s going on!” His words were spat with anger, but his fury was now towards Sirius, he was mad at the situation but even more for having to explain himself, for not having Sirius side with him the moment he entered his home. “She came here and attacked Peter! And now she wants to take Harry!”

The sentence was terrible, but that didn’t sound like her. He looked back, expecting some kind of explanation.“Sel?”

“Please Sirius, we have to go, now .” Anger left her body and only left her with fear, gleaming eyes filled with tears answered him. This was no moment for explanation, they needed to act, now.

“Shhh” her hair was all over her face, with care, Sirius brushed away from her features. He took her left arm, the same one with the tattoo, and saw the slash that crossed over the drawn skull, a not so deep cut, but one that still let blood run free. Without doubting, Sirius started to heal the wound, the same way Selene taught him months ago, the only way one could heal a cut like that, a cut made by her. It came as an off key melody out of his lips, unused to such spells, it still worked, the wound closing up leaving a notorious scar behind.

“Sirius… We have to go.” She urged him, “Harry is in danger.”

Sirius only nodded, letting his hands rest on her hips, certain of what they should do next. He got something prepared, not as well as he should have wanted, but something nonetheless.

Yet when he turned around, to tell his friends about where they should go now, he was taken aback by the terrified look in their eyes, it was not directed to him, but to her. What was so scary about his Selene?

“We have to go.” He simply said, uncertain by the troubled gaze in everybody’s eyes.

“The hell we have to. SHE needs to go, I will not let her take Harry.”

“We have to go, Harry is in danger, or that didn’t reach your thick skull?” Selene countered behind his back, her fury rising up again. Any tenderness Sirius brought to the surface long forgotten.

“She’ll take him to him, Sirius! She attacked Peter for Merlin’s sake!”

“That damned rat betrayed all of you!”

“And you expect me to believe you? Why would I believe in you ?” He spatted the last word, trying to be as offensive as he could. He didn’t care about Lily’s outraged expression, nor Sirius' gaze of reprimand. “Peter has been my friend for years!”

“I couldn’t care less about that. He is coming!”

“And whose fault is that!?” She backed down, as if the words slapped her face, hard. Knowing his words were true. Yes, The dark lord was going to be after Harry now, but he was after her first, and she hadn’t run away but went straight to where Harry rested, she put him in danger even without intention.

But was she in the wrong? If she hadn’t acted in a frenzy they wouldn’t know about it- Yet what does it matter either way? They didn’t believe her, because she was not one of them, she was never going to be one of them.

Harry fidgeting took her out of her stupor, he hadn’t cried even during the whole ordeal, he was always so calm when with her, so gentle, so soft.

She couldn’t let her precious boy to an uncertainty, Selene didn’t care if they didn’t believe in her, she was not going to let them. “I will not let you put him in danger.”

“Sel, please. Let me take Harry back and we will discuss everything more calmly, yeah?” Lily’s words were kind, but cautious, almost as if talking to a dangerous animal. Selene’s hold on Harry only tightened.

“Lils’ you cannot-” Sirius interrupted, done with the situation, angered by the interaction. His body covered Selene’s frame, and none of them noticed when she hid the ring onto Harry’s bodysuit.

“Kreacher!” The house-elf appeared the second he was summoned, his eyes widened by the state of his mistress, but said nothing as she handed him the baby, telling him to take him somewhere safe. He disappeared the moment after, leaving the rest in an astonished state.

It took both Remus and Sirius to hold James down, they reacted too late as he already got a hold on Selene’s neck. “You- miserable bitch!” he cried, actually cried, his eyes dampened and his glasses did little to cover them up. “What have you done!?” His screams came out in pained screeches, his whole body battling with his friend’s for them to let him continue, for him to end what Sirius started once, when he guided her towards the shrieking shack.

But her expression was indifferent to all his pain, she seemed almost relieved, a soft smile on her lips even as James tightened his hold on her.

Lily was crying, all alone in a corner, covering her face with her hands thinking the worst had just happened.

But Selene was calm, she didn’t care what would happen to her now that Harry was safe. Kreacher was going to take him to Hogwarts as they discussed it prior, for even if his alliances were within the Black family, after Kreacher’s death, the house-elf had considered her part of the family too, as precious to him as Regulus once was.

Harry was safe for now, he was with Dumbledore, and that’s all it mattered to her.

Black clouds filled the sky, as an army of death eaters showed up in Lily's garden.

It was not until they heard him that James let her go, looking at the unmoving woman behind him with a befuddled expression.

“Selene!” Voldemort’s voice was unmistakable, even for someone that never heard it before. It had a ring in it, a deepness a normal human being wouldn’t have. It sent a chill down to everyone’s spine. “Oh- Selene, come out from where you hide!” He teased, but his anger was palpable. He was irritated and angry. She’d just taken his hand for Merlin’s sake. “You naughty little witch. If you don’t come out now I'll burn it all down.”

Chapter Text

Not waiting to test his threats, Selene stood up and walked towards the door, all at present following her footsteps. There was no point of hiding, there was no way to escape.

There, in the Potter’s front yard stood more than fifty mages, all covered up in dark capes, their faces hidden yet the gleam of their eyes visible. Lucius' gray eyes looked at her from the first row, a couple of feets behind his master. His sight, impassive and neutral, but Selene doubted he was as calm as he pretended to, he was clearly resigned.

They were done, they were going to die and Selene knew not what to do, as unstable as she was in that moment, the only thing she wanted to do was to laugh.

They were done, there was no coming back from this, it did not matter how good they were fighting, four of them could never face the army in front of them. No with the one commanding them.

He, her master, her former commander, for once- for the first time in his life, looked disheveled, not at all the oh so virtuous dark lord, always put together, always above human comprehension. His hair was messy, a red blotch of red smeared his face.

Were they successful in healing the wound? Were they able to put the hand back in place? Selene doubted it, it brought a little comfort, knowing that at least, she was successful in something .

He was annoyed but somehow not angry, his smile was as manic as she felt, there was some tension in his eyes, he looked around her, to the ones standing on her back. Sirius didn’t stray far from her, his hand was holding her in place, wrapped tightly on her wrist.

Nobody said a thing, but the realization of what she had previously said drowned on the ones beside her, of her pleadings to run, to take Harry and run, pleadings who fell onto deaf ears. Lily’s face lost all its colour, Lupin covered his forehead in pain, looking back at Selene, knowing that they should’ve listened to her.

Potter on the other hand kept his composure, the infamous moron, these were not times for pretending. He did not look at her but at the dark lord. His hand wrapped around his wans tightly, a confidence in his eyes  she highly doubted he felt; gryffindor to a fault, she guessed.

There was no bravery who could save them now, not when his purpose was to end them all.

Selene wondered, what was he going to do to them? Was he waiting for them to beg for their lives?

As moron as they all were, nobody was going to do that, Sirius would prefer to stab himself into his heart than to beg anyone. The only one capable of such humiliations was Selene herself, but there was no need for it, she was already doomed, perhaps from the day she was born.

The dark lord knew this about them, so what messed up plan had he in store?

As if reading her mind, the dark lord spoke, more calmly than she’d expected him to, considering the tightness around his mouth. “I will not harm them, if that is what you desire.” His words were directed to her and her alone, he was not looking at anyone now but her- Selene noticed how no death eater reacted, almost as if ignorant of the words he’d just spoken.

A silence spell, they could not hear them, but the ones at her side could.

“What?” Sirius whispered by her side, and both Lily and Lupin looked at the dark man standing amongst the lilies with surprise and barely contained horror.

Potter instead opted to look at her, distrust in his eyes.

“Why are you here?” Her words came out strangled, the pain inflicted on her throat by Potter being the main cause, but also her nerves were playing games at her. She still felt feverish and on the edge, that sentiment only worsened by Voldermort’s presence, as it usually did.

His brow crooked, a nervous gesture of intrigue, he focused on her neck for a moment, only for a second, where the bruises were most certainly starting to take shape, he said nothing about it. “Do not play coy, Selene. You know perfectly clearly what I want.” He extended his hand, the one she’d not severed, and with a mere flick of it, a simple flask with a pink liquid came to view. 

“Is that-?” Lily whispered, her eyes widening under the implications, looking at her friend with an irrepressible terror. The marauders didn’t catch up with them, the presence of the flask only making the situation more confusing for them. Potter looked at Lily confused, and Sirius tried to catch Selene’s eyes to make sense of what was going on.

Selene refused to look back at Sirius.

He was claiming to leave them alone, if she drank it. It was- Too easy. Too desperate. 

But he did look desperate.

“How can I trust you?”

He smiled, his desperation finally being drowned by hope, by the possibility of her coming back to him. “Is my word not enough?” Tom said, mockingly, knowing perfectly well it was not, he just wanted to see the look in her eyes, the distrust, something else than pure fear- that playful banter they used to share, that one they could have again, if only she’d come to him. “A promise, Selene, as plain as that. An Unbreakable vow. Anything you ask of me I’ll give to you.”

Her eyes left his, only for a moment, to look at the man beside her and then the redheaded woman. Black was at her left, his right hand grabbing onto her wrist tightly, horrified expression plastered in his features. Anger rose upon Tom’s spine, one he could not show now, not when she was considering it, when the doubt was there behind her black eyes, she was about to give in any minute now. If only Black let her go.

Tom saw her pleadings, what her mouth still couldn't speak, it was not only the babe she was worried about, but the rest of the people around her, for some nonsensical reason. She was too pure, too kindhearted sometimes. It was alright, he could use it in his favour.

“I’ll promise, Selene- None of the people around you will be harmed by me or by my men. I will let them continue with their lives and I’ll do nothing to interrupt them, no single command against their health nor their lives.” It was more than she deserved, but how could he care? This- people around her, they meant nothing, they were nothing. And if she was going to give herself freely to him, why not just forgive them? They were but inconsequential pawns.

Her chest heaved, unstable breaths coming from her mouth, the possibility of what she desired being accomplished. How couldn’t she see it before? Tom could give her all, everything she wanted, all she desired. If she could only desire him too.

“Come to me.” He said, a simple command to obey.

Would she go? Considering all that happened, all they’d done to her? Was she going to sacrifice her life and her mental state for people who barely cared a damn about her?- More than that, would she give in, would she give herself to him when Sirius at her side was desperate for her to look at him, silently pleading for some sense of comprehension, of recognition?

What would he do when realization finally reached him?

Harry was safe, she knew that- But Sirius was not.

He was strong, he was smart, and more than a capable duellist- And yet she knew, with perilous certainty that he was doomed as everyone else standing there. They had no chance, no chance at all against the man she called her master for so very long.

But she would not allow the end to reach them sooner than it should, not when she could do something about it.

Somehow- Selene finally understood, that who made her lay awake at night, that terrible incomprehension since that fatidic day, when Regulus was no more. She finally comprehended why he’d done it, why he left her behind. She could finally understand him, for what he’d done she would do the same.

For how can one not sacrifice oneself in the name of those she loved?

But she stood unmovable, not by her own accord, but by the people surrounding her.

Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders whilst Lily positioned herself in front of her. Shielding her body with her own.

“You will not take her!” She roared, with more fury than a woman like that should ever possess, Sirius tried to pull her inside the house, failing to achieve it, the door was closed and his arms were occupied with her.

“Remus. Hurry up! Help!” He begged, but Remus didn’t move, eyes focused on the dark lord, who’s calming stare was beginning to shed. Selene could not allow it.

“No! No! Let me go!” She fought, her frame being crushed by Sirius’ strong arms, he begged, please, please, please, stay with me in her ear. But she couldn’t listen, she couldn’t give in, not even if his cries were tempting, not even if his desperation made his words tremble. “No, Sirius, No!” And just as she did, he wouldn’t listen to her pleas, refusing to let her go, to let her do something he didn’t quite understand just yet; they were so alike, so obstinate, she would never make Sirius understand, whilst Lily would simply refuse to listen to her. An idea emerged in her mind, the only person who could -maybe- maintain some sort of objectivity in this situation, the only one of the four who would let her do what the others believed unthinkable.

Potter. She saw him, trying to figure a way to get out of there, a way to ask for help, but his mind such as hers and probably the rest were blank, a terrible reaction of a moment of stress.

But Selene could bring them to safety, if they only would let her-

“Potter! POTTER-!” The man turned to her, his eyes confused, but focusing on her own. There was little she could say, what words would do to convince him to trust her? She hated him, and he hated her, the only thing they had in common were they people they cared about, and somehow that was enough. “Please.” She muttered, focusing in his hazel eyes, hoping for comprehension on the man who had been shocking her but mere minutes ago.

He did.

He grabbed Lily in the same way Sirius was holding her and pushed her out of the way, calling Remus for help as doing so. “What!?” She exclaimed in confusion, until quick realization made her freeze for a moment. “JAMES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Angry was pouring from her, her face red, her eyes filled with unshed tears, the feeling of betrayal clouding her mind. She started to defend herself, trying to get to Selene, attacking her husband of all people, he protected himself yet didn’t attack her back, pain plastered in his features. She couldn’t get close to Selene. “SIRIUS, SIRIUS DON’T LET HIM TAKE HER!” But he couldn’t understand what happened, his friend, his mate, the one who stood beside him his whole life was trying to get rid of his love, of the one person who understood him completely. Why would he do it? Couldn’t he understand what type of future she tried to yield herself into? She didn’t want this, he was sure, for he, the dark lord, terrified her, she trembled in fear every time she saw him, she fought the urge to puke after every meeting, not being successful on many occasions. He clouded her dreams, turning into nightmares, she dreaded every minute she spent on his side.

And she was giving herself to him for them, to protect them.

Lily seemed as desperate as him, different kinds of lighting and spells coming from her wand in a rainbow of colour, her face twisted in anguish until surprise subsided, her fighting being stopped by the intervention of none other but Remus, who’s pained expression told them his reluctance to what he was doing.

Lily looked around, locking eyes with Selene for a brief moment, both of them noticing the other’s despair, but then Lily saw Sirius, who’s fears where the same of her own, who could not, for any reason allow this to happen-

“IT’S AMORTENTIA!” She screamed, her face twisted with sorrow, her emotions mirroring Sirius, mere seconds before passing out. Both Remus and James, or perhaps just one of them, who cared at this point? took her out, she fell asleep as James took her in his arms.

“Sirius” He pleaded, in the same way Selene did, begging him to let her go. To let her accomplish what she set her mind to. But Sirius couldn’t do that, and they most certainly weren’t in their right mind if they asked him such a thing! Where was their bravery? Where was their will to survive? That need to protect the ones they cared about? Is it that they did not feel it? Did they care so little for Selene that they were capable of asking her such a thing? Asking him to let go of the one she loved? And for what?

They were doomed, they were going to die, this day or the next, eventually they would die. And wasn’t it better to die amongst friends? Amongst the people they loved and cared about? Was he truly the only one who believed this true? That lived up to that philosophy?

But Sirius saw it there, in their eyes, the quiet resignation, the sadness in Remus’ eyes and decisiveness in James’. They wanted to surrender, to give the dark lord what he came to retrieve.

But it did not matter what James wanted, he couldn’t care less what the world wanted if she was not beside him- She touched him, his cheeks, with a softness she never had for him, a terrible omen if one thinks about it.

Sirius relaxed his hold on her, she turned around, her hands cradling his face, her forehead against his. Why would she do that? This was not the ending, Why did she act like this was a goodbye? It was not- It couldn’t be.

“Let me go, Sirius” she whispered, her breathing tickling his face, the warm air she exhaled caressing his beard. “Please let me go.” He said something, he couldn't recall what,  but she moved her head side to side, a clear ‘no’ “Please, let me save you.” But he was the one refusing this time, he couldn’t let go of her, not if life itself depended on it. “The amortentia- The smell… it’s your damned after-shave.” She disarmed him, taking advantage of his need for her, his love for her. 

He made a mistake, one he could never forgive himself for. He let her go, just for a moment he let his arms fall onto his sides. It was because of the impression, of the knowing, of the realization of her feeling the same as his, for something as primitive as the amortentia witnessing it. He wanted to hold her back, to hug her and spin her around. To kiss her and lever let her go, but as soon as his arms weren’t on her anymore, James struck.

He was numb, for minutes perhaps, maybe just seconds, but were enough for Selene to run away from him, and onto him .

Even in his stunned self, he saw it from afar, the moment her hand met his , when James approached to witness the oath. But he couldn’t move, his body didn’t respond, Remus cradled his head, trying to ease the pain, but what he was watching was painful enough.

He felt nothing in his body but the continuous ire in his insides, the bile rising and the anger clouding his mind. He would not let her, he couldn’t let her-

And yet his body didn’t react, it was his primal self who came from out of the dark, Padfoot riding from his insides, as a rabid dog approaching his victim.

But he was too late, for the oath was completed and Selene disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

She didn’t turn to look at him, he couldn't see her eyes for one last time.

***

It’d been weeks, probably. It was difficult to say.

Sirius had been staying in Selene’s room, in the Dungeons, in Hogwarts. It was difficult to be anywhere else with her gone.

There, in her room, in her office, there was her presence still, the phantom of what she’d been, who she was, the parts of her she never dared to show to anyone.

Her books, the herbs she hung from the ceiling, the plants around it, a wilting lavender plant in a corner that reflected Sirius’ own self.

Her sheets no longer had her scent and yet Sirius refused to discard them, he would press his face against her pillow, anxious to find something of her still there, there was nothing. He would try it many times, almost every day, and yet every time he would be brought to tears.

He read her diaries, her annotations, they were mostly potions recipes, sometimes food recipes. Once in a while would be a simple note in the corner of the pages ‘ call Lily’ , or something alike. She had some list, with names on it, reviews of her students.

LeBlanc: capable yet distracted.

Bell: avid reader with bad memory. Prone to explode.

White: lazy but kind;

And so on.

In one of her notebooks there were dates annotated, it took Sirius longer than it should to realise they were birthday dates.

Draco’s, Harry’s, Lily’s, Cissy’s, Lucius’ perhaps? Regulus’, and his.

He’d become important to her and he still couldn’t defend her.

Guilt ate him from the insides, merciless and vile. He was always this asshole who believed himself superior to the rest, capable unlike any other, but when it mattered the most, he failed.

He could still see her eyes, injected with blood, resigned to a doomed future, then a man’s hand, grabbing onto hers, as a snake to his prey- and his eyes, his reddened eyes, victorious, looking at Sirius from afar with an air of superiority, of accomplishment. ‘I have won’ he needed not to say the words to comprehend him.

No, he hadn’t won, because Selene’s heart did not belong to him, it belonged with Sirius, yet he still had her under his grasp, and anytime his mind went to that place, that wondering the world of what ifs, he lost it. Of the endless possibilities, of what she was enduring, of what was being done to her.

Desperation was much to bear, his hair began to fall, he was losing weight, by the way his ribs protruded against his skin, quite a lot too.

He was a prisoner in the castle, they hadn’t sent him to azkaban for no crime was committed, they didn’t lock him in st. Mungo’s only because they were scared of Sirius revealing secrets to the nurses. But his jail cell was good, it was soft, it had been hers.

They had to restrain him after the first night he took Selene. In his agony, being more reckless than brave, he tried to go to Malfoy manor, to save her himself. James and Remus found him half way there and held him down.

It was too much to bear, knowing what he would want to do to her and just wait for something to happen, Dumbledore had no plan to rescue her, at least until before he was locked down, and no one informed him of otherwise. They just used her as bait and cared no more for her.

James and Remus came often to check on him, only to be rejected with him throwing a bottle of wine over their heads, they didn’t know where he got them, he wanted to keep the mystery. 

He was done, he did not care what they’d say to him anymore, of how reasonable everything sounded. He didn’t care.

James tried to talk to him everyday- the same reasonable bullshitty excuse.

“I had to think about my family, Sirius. They come first” It came as a mantra, a simple sentence he told himself not to despair, it did not work on Sirius.

“So when the time comes you’ll sacrifice me to the Dark lord?”

“You know very well that’s not it-”

“Is it not? ‘Cause it seems like you already did it.”

James exhaled, exasperated, they had the same conversation almost every day, they were both of them quite done with the other. “We were all going to die and there was no chance-”

“But Dumbledore’s army arrived minutes after they’d gone. If you only trusted her sooner- if you all had believed her when she arrived at your door…” The what ifs again, the possibilities, the hundred and one different outcomes if they all acted as they should have, they way none of them did.

 “We didn’t know they were coming, and you saw her! She looked- Maddened, possessed, she couldn't’ hold a coherent thought and you expected me to believe her right away? When she was the one searching for my doom since we were twelve?” James’ exasperation grew, he was searching for forgiveness, for his justification to be comprehended, but as much as Sirius knew James had been reasonable, that he’d done what a sane person would, it made no difference to him, not when Selene’s fate was at stake. “She was covered in blood! Crazed and in panic! She wanted to take Harry for Merlin’s sake!”

“And where was Harry after she took him? In Dumbledore’s office, clean and cozy using one of the settees as his bed.”

“We didn’t know!” The first days James always tried to approach him calmly, not raising his voice, trying to be heard yet listening too. But those were the old days. “You cannot expect me to handle my son, my boy, to a woman who seemed out of her mind!”

But he could, Sirius would have done it, because he trusted her. There were not many things Selene Snape cared about, but Harry Potter was on her top list. Sirius was sure that as much as Selene loved him, the child would always come first to her. It had made him jealous, when he first noticed it, now it didn’t- He understood, there was a deeper connection between them for a reason Sirius could not fully comprehend, and that was okay, it had been okay, but- “It doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone.”

“Sirius-”

“Go away, James. Just go- I care not for what you want to say.”

There, outside Selene’s office, a redhead saw her husband for the first time in days. She had a muggle bag hanging on her shoulder, the distinctive clinking of glass against glass as she walked by. She was the one providing alcohol to Sirius. 

She looked at him, for a moment or two, only to go around him, ignoring him completely, as she had done for the last weeks. “I don’t think you should give him all that.” James’ words weren’t spoken in a violent tone, on the contrary, all his frame was neutral and with composed calmness emanating from him, his words came from a place of worry, of pure concern, for his friend was not the best at managing drinks, and as far as he knew, his wife either. She turned around, rapidly, anger in her features, apparently she could only show anger or disinterest towards him now. Black circles adorned her eyes, a paleness in her tone that had never been there, her hair, her usually beautiful hair now dry and unmanageable. 

She hadn’t seen Harry since the incident, avoiding the child as the plague, as much as she did with James.

“I don’t think you have any right to tell us what to do.” She spat, her sight unfocused, she had a hangover, probably from the night before, it was a saturday after all.

“You are my wife, Lily. In case you have forgotten.”

“I don’t think you’ll bear that name for much longer, husband.”

Her words stung, hard, like a knife entering his chest. And she seemed unaffected by them. “That’s okay, but let me remind you something, you have a son. A son you haven’t seen for weeks. The son your friend sacrificed herself for!”

“Do not dare to speak about her!” Lily’s voice echoed through the halls, it was a good thing it was late enough for all the kids to be already in bed. “Don’t you dare to criticise me! Not after what you’ve done!”

“And what’ve I done, darling? Do tell, Mhm?” He was losing his patience, he could understand her anger, he truly could- It did not mind she had to discard him and Harry that easily. She could do whatever she wanted about him, if she felt betrayed he could comprehend it, but what about their son, what about Harry? “Follow your friend's wishes? Protecting my family? The family you appear to not care about anymore!?” 

“You just wanted to get rid of her! You have always despised her!”

“Of course I hated her! She hated me too if you do not recall correctly.”

His acceptance through her off, only for a moment before deciding to continue another topic “I cannot believe I let you drive me away from her- I cannot-”

“What-? I never did such a thing. That was your doing.”

Lily gasped, astonished by such an accusation. “You were the ones who tormented her, you were the ones who pranked her that day!”

“Yes, we were, I was there, I remember. But I also remember how she stood next to our common room for days for you to forgive her and yet you didn’t.” His voice was neutral but serious. “That, dearest, was not my doing. I didn’t want you to be friends with her, that's for sure. But you made your own decisions as she did that day.” His voice grew darker, menacing, the no bullshitting tone he used to others but never to her. 

It was true, she knew it. It had been her doing to start dating James after the prank, it had been her choice to stop talking to her, to let Regulus take her away from her, to never reach for her after Hogwarts until her mother arrived at her door- All she’d done, all the sins she committed against her friend, against the one who tried to protect her until the end- She couldn’t face it. So she tried to explain, to explain her anger, for they could have fought, they could have tried. “Harry was safe, we could have fought!”

“I didn’t know he was safe! I didn’t know where the elf took him! And fight? Against a horde of death eaters? And for what? For Harry to be left all alone? An orphan raised by who? Your sister? That heartless bitch who cannot hold her tongue when cursing us?” He was angry, how could they not understand? “I acted upon the circumstances! She was willing to go! She wanted to protect us! To protect Sirius, Harry, and you !” He laughed, a humourless laughter, quite menacing but absent of all anger “It is funny, truly, how alike we are, me and her. Because if it had been me, I would have gone immediately to sacrifice myself, for you . There's no doubt in my mind when it comes to protect you, to protect Harry. I come last and she knew this well, because she thought so too. Because for her, she comes last, she is the least important here because you, you, Lily are the most important person for the both of us. And I would’ve done it again and again as I’m sure Selene would have done it again and again- Selene and I, we both believed that was our final day, we both believed if I did not help her we all would have died.” He stopped, thinking his words, finding some common ground. “I will not apologise for my actions, I would have done it again, but- I am sorry this happened to her. I am sorry she is involved in all of this, and more than anything- I am grateful to her, I owe her not just my life, but also yours and Harry’s. I will be eternally in debt to her, and I’ll do all in my power to try to pay my debt.”

Chapter Text

The soft rasping on the door woke him up. It wasn’t like he had been sound asleep either way, too preoccupied to actually drift himself to sleep. His heart started beating hard as Sirius approached the door, wondering if it was Selene who was visiting, or perhaps one of his so called friends-

As he opened, he was met with a dark unravelled  bundle of hair; Selene had come to him.

 “I couldn’t get it” was all she said before starting to cry.

Later he would punish himself for not asking before bringing her to his arms, before he closed the door firmly and hugged her as if the world were to finish in that instant.

Selene was barely a couple of centimetres shorter than him, yet in that moment she seemed so small, so fragile, so… broken.

She was quick enough to wrap her arms around his shoulders and to hide her face on his neck.

Her unsteady respiration sent shivers down his spine, yet he paid no mind. 

“It’s okay, It’s not your fault, It’s okay” He whispered as her brawling increased, desperate cryings filled the room. “It’s okay, It’s not your fault, It’s okay” He told her, repeatedly, in soft huffs and sweet voice. Trying to convince himself that it was not his fault either, yet it was.

Sirius woke up, frantic, searching for the missing frame of the one he loved so much.

But Selene was gone, she had been gone for days already, weeks perhaps, he doesn’t really know anymore. Her spirit haunted his dreams, she sometimes was as hostile as their school years, and sometimes as kind as her final goodbye. Sirius didn’t care which side of her decided to haunt him, he only thought was to see her again, even if it were only in dreams, or almost forgotten memories. She was the reason why as of late he preferred to sleep more than to do anything else, or to bring himself to such an alcoholic state that he no longer could know the difference between imagination and reality, where the booze and his mind drove him only to her.

He knew he was not the only one suffering, every friday, or he guessed it was supposed to be on friday, Lily would come to Selene’s office, where he decided to inhabit without consulting anyone else. The redhead would bring several bottles of wine, whisky, sometimes beer, for them to make such concoction that they would quickly lose themselves to the drink, letting it take the best of them and remember the one who made them better.

James would come sometimes, try to talk to him, Sirius never listened. Remus woke him once, from a nightmare where Selene’s eyes were as black as they could be, but absent of any light they could have. He punched Remus, still lingering between the realm of dreams and reality, for Remus was trying to take her away from him, and he couldn’t allow it.

Remus said nothing, not even when blood started to pour from his nose, Sirius only espated a heartless “Sorry, mate.” Before throwing himself over the pillows once again.

Surprisingly enough, the only visitor who Sirius never cared to have, besides Lily, of course, was Kreacher.

He wasn’t as surprised as he should have been to have the house elf walking around Selene’s office. Kreacher would dust the corners, the library, would water the plants and pick up the empty bottles from the floor. He claimed he ought to have things in order for when his mistress returned.

The house elf did try to get his ass out of Selene’s room once Lily intervened in the fight.

“None of you deserve my mistress. She should have let all of you rot.” He hissed. None of them had the guts to contradict him.

Sirius didn’t even stop to wonder why Kreacher held Selene in such high esteem, the answer was obvious enough for any of them. She had been Regulus’ fiancé, almost a Black herself, she had loved his master and he loved her in return. And she was probably more kind to the house elf than Sirius ever was.

He didn’t want to ponder on his past mistakes, they were too much for even himself. He didn’t even try to lie to himself pouring whisky to a glass, he just drank from the bottle.

*

The house elf helped Harry walk around, the boy’s strides were more confident now yet he still needed help to keep himself uprighted, the house elf was fond of him.

James learned a couple of days ago, with no short amount of surprise, why Kreacher seemed so devoted towards Harry, he shouldn’t have been that much of a revelation, but in the end, it still was. 

For some reason nobody knew, not even Sirius when consulted, the house elf believed Harry was Selene’s heir. Not her son though, he was clear on that part, but he truly thought that Harry was Selene’s sole heir, and for the same reason, his former master, Regulus’ heir.

It was odd, discovering that your son was so beloved by people you don’t even tolerate. But even so, even if the whole situation was weird, he was grateful, for this was the creature who had saved his son with Selene’s help, who kept him away from harm, who brought him to Dumbledore before danger ensured. 

And now, more than anything, he was grateful to him, because he took care of Harry when James was occupied, when he was away making calls, talking to others, planning their next move.

He sighed, tired of his own uselessness, of the way he had let all his prejudices follow him until it was too late, until the life of someone was at stake. He remembers the fight he had with Lily when she made Selene Harry’s godmother, how outraged he had been with the fact, but not just that, he had been scared to the guts, afraid of this woman bringing ill fate to his family, a type of revenge for all he had made her go through during their school years.

He glanced back at Dumbledore, seeing the old man without his usual whimsical personality, he seemed much older than he was, tired beyond his years, dark eyebags decorating his features. He remembers his face, the panic in there when he and Remus told him about Selene’s fate, what she’d done for them, for Harry.

He had never seen the headmaster so desperate, it only mirrored Sirius' own anguish.

But James had been so relieved when he entered the headmaster’s office that day, because his baby laid there, amongst the pillows of Dumbledore’s settee, safe and sound, as Selene always claimed he would be.

Maybe everything would have been different if he’d only listened, but how could he? How could he blindly believe a crazed woman who just tried to kill one of his best mates? How could he believe in someone who’s hate was beyond his own comprehension? He knew his hate, his loathing was born out of jealousy, the fear of Lily choosing her instead of him, of losing the love of his life; but Lily had chosen him, and his hate never diminished.

Somehow, for some weird reason, the more he loved Lily, the more he hated Selene, as if both of those things were intrinsically bound.

And now Lily had chosen her, abandoning him.

He wondered, not for the first time since Selene was taken by Voldemort if he had made the right choice, if he hadn’t just followed after the skirts of the wrong girl for way too many years. He wondered if Selene would’ve rejected Harry as Lily was, but the question had a simple answer, no. She wouldn't.

For some reason James couldn't comprehend, his most important people, the people he loved more than anyone else in the world, were exactly the same for Selene. She loved his wife, she loved his best friend, and, for a reason he still found difficult to comprehend, she cared for his son with the same intensity a mother would love her own. 

She sacrificed herself to save them, and James couldn’t help resenting them, for their inadequacy, for drowning in their pain and loss instead of searching away to respond, to act against all odds- Would he do the same under similar conditions? Would he lose himself if he lost Lily in the same way? James believed he didn’t, and for some reason, he was sure Selene wouldn't either.

The realization came as a punch in the guts, a reality he’d dreaded and wanted to escape from the beginning, maybe for his own prejudices; James Potter and Selene Snape were two sides of the same coin, they were the same and completely different, their paths were intertwined in a way none of them could ever avoid. 

Just like Sirius and Lily seemed to face difficulties in the same way, drowning in it, he and Selene seemed to do the same, facing it.

Was Selene more gryffindor than they could ever believe? Or was he more of a slytherin without knowing?

Dumbledore has little news about their objectives, Remus’ had been able to acquire some internal knowledge of the way to reach Malfoy’s Manor, but how they could ever face him, was still unknown.

“The only one missing is Nagini or so it appears, but the snake never leaves his side, we will have to kill it before facing him.” Remus’ words echoed in the room, a dreaded confrontation they would prefer to avoid at all cost, but Selene was with them, they could no longer hide behind the headmaster’s robes.

They have come to the agreement that it must be Dumbledore who faced the dark lord, if any of them had any chance against him, it was him. If he failed, James would be the second in line, although he didn’t know how much chance he would have if Dumbledore himself met his end.

The old man seemed tired, his eyes reddened by the shedded tears.

It was amazing how James never noticed how important Selene had been for everyone around him.

The door opened forcefully, Lily entered the headmaster's office in a frenzy, she didn’t wait to see who stood in front of Dumbledore, she didn’t care if they were students, professors or someone from the order, the news was too important to wait a second longer.

“He’s taking Selene away. He wants to fuse their souls”

Chapter Text

Soft caresses woke her up, the feeling of strong arms around her middle kept her in place.

How long has it been? How long had she been under his spell this time?

How much time did Selene have before him noticing the effects of the potion drifting away? Last time she had a whole hour before her body involuntarily flinched under his touch, the first time had been mere minutes before he realized her smile was too tight.

Nagini kept a hold on her, as she used to do during the night until the early hours of the morning. The snake was commanded to watch after her, if Selene tried to escape during Tom’s absence, she was to attack her and keep her in place, as she did when Selene tried to run away on a maniac attempt the first night after her enclosure.

Tom. Tom Riddle, that was his name.

He was no longer her master, her lord, it was just Tom.

Or so he had told. She didn’t believe a word coming from his mouth.

He desired her, desperately, because she was the one he had not been able to have, for her Regulus had defended her once and didn’t allow him, for Sirius made sure to keep the distance between them, because she, Selene herself, hadn’t allowed him. Because she didn't want him; for O how she despised him. 

He had taken what was most precious to her, Regulus first, after torturing Kreacher as if the elf meant nothing, then he had put her in this situation, taking her from Lily, from Harry,  from Sirius. He had known how important they were, how she would never let any harm fall upon them if she could avoid it. He had known that, he knew her, he understood her, because he was like her, obsessive, possessive.

And complicated-

Because he hadn’t allowed himself to have her until she gave herself to him on her own accord, because that’s why he was diluting the potion more and more with every dose, trying to make the symptoms less intense and still trying to implant in her mind the supposed care she felt for him. Because in no universe what the potion made her feel was love, not even close.

It clouded her mind like a crush would, it would accelerate her heart and made her happy all the time. Maybe that was the catch, because Selene was never happy for so long, that’s why it felt surreal and ridiculous, because love was not perfect and undoing. Because she had experienced love, she had been on the clouds, and still she suffered, uncertainty, a fear that would paralyse you, the constant fear of losing the person you love, because they were at war, in any minute of any day, she could lose everything she had, as she did, as she had done.

She knew that every love was different, because what she felt for Regulus was calm and steady, heartwarming and comfortable, whilst what she tried to deny she felt for Sirius was a turmoil, anxious feelings of love and hate mix together, the juxtaposition of caring for him, on wanting for no harm to befall him and at the same time to make him suffer for all he made her gone through on their school years.

WHat they had in common is how earth shattering the feelings were, how undone she had felt before any of them, how she wanted nothing the world had to offer until she met them, for how she could think of the future only if it was with them.

When she was younger she pondered about ending it all for many times, when Lily forsake her it only became worse, until Regulus took her hand on his own and pulled her away from those thoughts.

When Regulus died, when her baby was gone, ending it all was a constant wish, something so easy to obtain, something that only Harry’s existence obliged her not to. And then, maybe only for a moment, a second, barely a glimpse of what everything could be, Sirius made her believe that maybe, just maybe, life was still worth living, next to him.

And now, him, Tom, Voldemort, was keeping her away from them, for those she loved, the ones she truly loved. Trying to wipe out the feeling she had for anyone but him, trying to twist hatred into love.

Selene feared he would succeed, slowly and steadily she felt her body changing up to his desires, not flinching under his touch even when lucid, not feeling the bile on her throat whilst he groped her.

And Selene could only suffer, for she had no wand and no way to come out of that room.

Maybe she should end it all, finally, before her brain, her mind, no longer belonged to herself, before all her reality was twisted onto a deranged obsession to the man that kept her captive.

She did not have more than a week, she was sure. A week for her mind to be completely lost, before the effects of the amortentia were forever ingrained into her brain.

Voldemort’s arms were embracing her, she could feel his steady breathing on her ear, the soft exhales and his morning breath, he was human after all, even if he pretended he was not.

Nagini was the constant reminder of his supposed immortality, the one that could be easily shredded if Selene only got rid of the damned serpent. She trusted Sirius and the rest would have already destroyed the ring and the locket, finding a way to do so. Yet, Selene wondered then, would it be so hard to destroy a horcrux if this was a living creature? Shouldn’t just killing it be enough to do so?

She already used sectumsempra wandless once, she believed using an unforgivable curse wouldn’t be as much of a challenge for her.

She decided to wait, only for three days, for three more doses, before committing the deed, before saying goodbye to this world. If she wasn’t successful in eliminating Nagini, the serpent would ensure her demise, and if she did, then she would meet death on her own hand. She couldn’t wait for more time, she just couldn’t risk it.

A month has already passed, and Selene was sadly sure that rescuing her was in no way part of Dumbledore’s plans. It was too risky, too much of a challenge for someone like her. Selene only hoped that the man she considered her father figure would mourn for her; only a little, maybe a minute of silence, maybe he could light a candle for her.

Selene could only hope he cared for her.

*

Dumbledore’s eyes were red, one could only guess if it was because of the crying or for the lack of sleep. He looked older somehow, even more than he usually did. When he wasn’t with the members of the order or taking care of Harry, he wasted his time in the pensieve, reliving past mistakes.

He would watch the night of the prank, a young Selene with scratches all around her body and mind, terrified yet trying to maintain a straight face when facing him, trying to defend herself and her doings to him, only to be dismissed for her carelessness, a lame cover for him defending his gryffindor boys against all odds.

He would remember the day he saw the worst memory on Sirius mind, the way he and James would assault her without a single care, knowing in their hearts that no ill would ever fall upon them, that the headmaster and the faculty would not side with the strange girl prone to dark magic, because just as them, they were scared of her, on what she could become.

Albus wondered many times what would happen if things were different, if he had acted differently to a hurting child, if he had let her confide in him instead of pushing her away because he was scared of her, for her resemblance to Tom, not only in her blood but in her brilliance.

He focused on one memory, a recent one, one that only occurred days before Tom took her away from them. They were playing chess, not magical one, the muggle type, the one Selene learnt when she was in elementary school and Albus came across during his adult years. He remembers losing on purpose, only because winning would always put a smile on her face, those small shy smiles she only gave to him. It wasn’t like she had any issues winning against him, but Albus felt joy on letting it go easily, maybe a soft apology of the harsh he had been to her years prior. Selene always mocked him for losing on purpose, he pretended he did not know what she was talking about, before having a bite of any of the sweets they were enjoying on those occasions. That day was a raspberry cheesecake Kreacher had made for her, the house elf used to show himself around Hogwarts every other day, just to check on Selene, to confirm she was safe and sound.

It was odd, see someone as strong minded and cold as Selene being so soft with a creature like Kreacher, many would have been surprised by the tenderness the both of them talked to each other, the elf was a strong headed one, not taking orders of anyone who was not a Black, and yet, he was there, checking on this half-blood who his master loved once, and who had no reason to care about, but he did. Yet Selene was soft with many people nobody would have ever dare to believe, to her students, for example, especially the younger ones, she was a serious teacher and her tests where as harsh as anyone would’ve guessed, but she was kind, in her own way, and the children knew that, they understood her worry and care. And she was kind to him, to Albus himself, someone who did not deserve any amount of forgiveness on her part, but one he had without even having to ask for, for she had fallen onto his arms in a moment of need and he had helped her, and that had been enough for her, even with his ulterior motives, with him not trusting her until the time passed.

“Excuse me, headmaster.” James Potter entered his office, his child on his hip. Little Harry had a weird expression, almost as if he was containing his tears, Kreacher, who had not dared to leave Hogwarts since Selene’s disappearance, was quick to run towards the child, who James put on his arms without a second thought. Harry only found rest under Kreachers’ care, who was happy to attend to Selene’s kid, even if everybody kept telling him that Harry was indeed not her child.

“Mister Harry Potter is the most important person for Mistress Selene Black.” He said once, as if that statement proved indisputably his claim. After that, they all let him be, no one dared to tell him Selene’s last name wasn’t Black.

“Any news?” Albus asked out loud, still on his spot next to the pensieve, still processing his past mistakes. Remus entered just a second later, his face as weary as the rest of them, he was the first to talk.

“Moody was able to catch upon something.” He took a parchment out of his pocket, extending it over the table. It showed a map with the Malfoy manor at the centre, the forest around it and all the houses near, a little town was close, although not as close as any of them wished to. “The manor reduces its staff every wednesday, generally there are not a lot of death eaters around, contrary to what we believed initially, there must be around five coming everyday but the rest is mostly focused somewhere else.”

“How can we be certain she’s there, then? They might have her somewhere else.” James hadn’t been able to be one of the ones spying on Voldemort, he had been occupied with Harry and trying to avoid Sirius killing himself. Moody and Remus had taken care of looking after the Malfoy manor whilst other members of the order had to follow other confirmed death eaters. The Longbottoms had followed Rosier around,  the Weasleys had been following Lestrange around, and so on. 

“Because he comes back every night.” Remus' words echoed in the room, the meaning behind them was left unspoken, all of them knew what he meant- “On wednesdays, only the manor’s inhabitants and Voldemort stay, that would mean the Malfoy’s and him . Some death eaters next to the entrance never leave but Voldemorts relies mostly on the spells he has put onto the building. The iron doors ask for anyone entering the reason of their visit and get their identities, if you’re not allowed it is impossible to be let in, but-” He said the last word with a hopefulness none of them expected. “The gates don’t surround the whole building, apparently, the dark lord made an entrance specifically for the werewolves, it doesn’t command identification if you’re an animal, we and Moody saw dogs and hares entering without issue.”

“So, we could get in.” James didn’t need to say who, only he and Sirius were left, Peter had disappeared like the rat he was, nobody had caught a sight of him, not even between Voldemort’s followers, and the order had made sure to follow them all. Sirius was in a sorry state, but all of them were sure that he would participate, he was just drowning in his sorrow, and being idle did not help him at all.

“Yes!” Remus was excited, his tiredness diminished momentarily, hope overcoming him. “You could go in, and disarm the spell from inside, Kreacher said that the spell is directly connected to the front door, you destroy it and the rest of us can fool the gates.” Kreacher himself could not get in, he’d tried the first day he learnt about Selene’s disappearance, the dark lord had made something and he couldn’t appear inside the manor nor near the building. He’d felt utterly desperate for his uselessness.

“Then we will have to gather everyone, inform them about the plan.” Dumbledore stated, moving around to the red floo just when Lily opened the door and barged inside, terror in her features, unlike they have seen before.

*

Earlier that day.

“Professor Evans?” An anxious looking girl stopped her in the alley, her hair blonde and cheeks full. Lily had been forced to accompany the kids to their Hogsmeade journey that sunday, Professor Mcgonagall claimed she had taken ill and she couldn’t possibly go, Lily knew better, she understood everyone was trying to help her, take her mind out of the matter, not to torture herself for her friend’s sacrifice, even when she was the reason Selene had left, the reason Selene was out of their reach, enduring Merlin’s knows what.

“Yes, dear? Is something in the matter?” Lily tried to put on her nice voice, the one she used to have, it came out strangled, annoyed, even if her words were gentle. The girl looked unsure, she was young, probably a third year, she still wasn’t able to recognize every single kid. The girl played with her chubby fingers and avoided her eyes, as if frightened by her.

“Is- Is Professor Snape coming back soon?” 

The question was like a kick on her guts, Lily’s eyes welled up. “I’m terribly sorry, darling. But I do not know.” The girl only nodded, a little ah coming from her mouth. “But maybe if you want, I can tell her that you ask for her, that would be good?” She wished she could, her heart ached for any sign of Selene right now. Her coldness, her sharpness, anything, anything that would tell her that she was okay; but Lily knew she was not.

“Yes, thank you.” The girl turned to leave after she added “Can you tell her that everyone misses her? It’s- different without her here.”

“Of course.”

It was difficult living in a world without Selene on it, a world everyone knew about her and yearned for her presence.

Selene was beloved amongst the students, even the older ones, they’d make sure to make Lily know how inadequate she was as a teacher compared to the other witch- But of course she was, nobody was as prolificent as Selene, nobody was as patient as her when teaching things.

She remembers the old days, when they used to study. How they would gather on a corner of the library, with Remus at their side, sometimes Lily would bring a blanket to cover them up so they wouldn't freeze to death, Remus would offer them chocolate and Selene would pretend she didn’t like it. One time they fell asleep like that, on a pile, all warm and comfortable in the other’s arms.

She was reminiscing too hard, too much, for when a delicate hand dragged her to a darkened alley, she put little to no effort to free herself from it.

“What on earth?” She yelled, still way too inebriated from the day before to be aware of her surroundings.

“Shut it!” Narcissa commanded, eyes angry, she put a hand over Lily’s mouth again, forcing her to just listen to her. “For some reason, Merlin knows why, Selene trusted and cared for you. So if you want to see her again just nod and listen-”

Lily did as she was told, relying on the fierce gleam on Narcissa’s eyes. Knowing that whatever reason she was here for, it could be dangerous for her too.“Good. Then, I assume that you’re looking for a way to get Selene back, aren’t you?”

Lily was quick to nod, although it was a lie, she knew- she was certain that besides her and Sirius, nobody was eager to do something- Everyone too scared of the possible outcome, and for them, in their tiny little minds, Selene was not worth the risk- But of course, those were Lily’s thoughts, she who hadn’t been to Dumbledore’s office since the first day, who hadn’t dare to speak to anyone but Sirius fearing her anger towards them would take the better of her. She was ignorant in their urgence, on the way the order was working hard to get Selene back and decided to think the worst of them.

Narcissa sighed, relieved “That’s good, after your husband's antics I wasn't so sure-” Someone walked past the alley, and Narcissa walked them further inside, into the darkness. “You-know-who is staying at my house, as you should know, but not for much longer- he wants to take her- take Selene to his Manor, a run down building he’s trying to get together before they move- This friday, on the full moon.” Her teeth were chattering, it wasn’t as cold yet, winter hadn’t come, but she wasn’t wearing warm clothes, it was obvious she had come here from some fancy place, her green velvety gown did nothing to cover her from the cold wind and the incipient snow “I don’t know how she is, he had forbidden us to see her, nobody but him can enter the room where she’s staying. But I know where she is. She’s on the first floor, the seventh window from the entrance to the right, the one looking at the orange tree, that’s hers.” She breathed in, tired from her long speech, but she didn’t stop.“You have to act soon. Once he’s out of my manor there's even less chances to get her out. Right now I cannot physically see her but I know she’s there. I don’t fully know what he’s planning but it is not something good- He’s frantic and has been keeping people in his Manor, prisoners.”

They heard a branch breaking, then some laughter, and a couple of kids ran past them. “Lucius heard him today, overhearing what he was going to do.” Narcissa took a deep breath, almost as if just uttering the words scared her. There were unshed tears on her eyes, her speech wasn’t difficult only because of the cold, she was genuinely terrified. “Dark magic, dark and really old.” Lily would’ve found ludicrous the idea of a Malfoy being scared of dark magic, but in that moment dread rose up in her spine, no laugh would ever come. “He’s going to fuse their souls, is something weird and we don’t understand it, but if he does it- If he achieves it, you will never be able to kill him, for Selene will die with him.”

Chapter Text

Selene’s body tangled with his own, her long legs intertwined with Nagini’s body. Her soft exhales caressing his forehead, her beating heart echoing on her chest, where his head rested comfortably.

Tom was not a man of gentle sleep, it had been years since he knew what that was like, a full night of rest without worries controlling his respite. He couldn’t recall where it began, his relentlessness, his insomnia. Maybe around the time he was a student, maybe when he was in the orphanage, maybe much later, when his plan began to form. In all honesty, he didn’t remember, there hadn’t been a moment in his life where he hadn’t been restless, anxious about the future. 

It might surprise many, how he, with his usual confident figure of speech, his controlled gait, and above all, controlled composure, could be as impatient as he was.

But with Selene in his arms, her body languid under him, relaxed and unaware of her surroundings, drove him to repose, to just lay next to her, and enjoy. To boost in her presence next to him, on her choosing him instead of them . In her body, slowly coming to terms with his interruption, on his existence, on her not only yearning for him in body but in soul too.

The effects were becoming clearer, he just needed to wait, to wait for her, for her desire to overcome her, to give herself freely to him, without the damned potion making her to. Many times he considered just doing it, taking what he deemed his, what not only destiny, but his higher power had conquered for him, for she belonged to him. He saw it clearly on his mind, for he had fantasized about it more times he anyone could ever count, his strong hands forcing her legs to open, he dreamed of those creamy thighs around his waist, for her hot breath against his face, the softness of her breasts under his palms- not caring if she screamed or not, if her moans were of pleasure of feigned, if her tightness was out of discomfort or desire. 

Yet he could not, not when her feelings for anyone but him loomed over her mind, when he could not be so sure if she would forsake him over that damned child.

But he took whatever he could, those small mercies he allowed himself to have.

He pressed his lips against her skin, plastering soft kisses on her arms, on her legs, on her chest, all until he reached her lips, the same he devoured without an ounce of care.

She was so responsive to his touch, so willing, she moaned in pleasure every time her  lips opened to his intrusion, and her body relaxed against his own, it could be so easy, to just take her, to make her his own, to tarnish her with his filth- but he couldn't, not if it wasn’t her the one doing it, for he had no time to prepare amortentia every damned day, what if one day he forgot it? What if he got occupied and when returning to her she escaped, maybe damaging herself in despair. He couldn’t let that happen, not to her, not to his Selene.

A mixture of Nagini’s poison and the amortentia proved itself better, it entered her mind and the effects proved irreversible. He’d tried once before, many years ago, with someone he did not care to preserve but proved himself useful for Tom.

Soon, only for a couple of days more, he’d have to continue his ministrations. Soon, Selene’s mind would forget everything that was not him, that wasn’t her Tom.

For she was his and he was hers, she had his heart on her hands and she still did not know- She would squeeze it, tear it apart, or just discard it- But he did not want that, he could not allow that.

He was hers, but only if they were entirely of the other.

Tom wanted- needed for Selene to open her chest to him, to held his beating heart and to put it next to her own, to have him fully- completely, next to her heart, for their beatings to find their own rhythm, for them to merge in an amalgam of flesh and blood, for them to not dare to ever be apart.

*

Not for the first time, James lamented the loss of Peter.

They didn’t even know why he betrayed them, how he cared so little for them, for his friends, for Harry.

It seemed ridiculous still, how Selene was the one protecting Harry against all odds and assumptions whilst Peter was the one who betrayed them as soon as he felt threatened.

But James did mourn for the loss of the one who accompanied them for the longest time, yet for all the love they had for each other, for the friendship they’d built over the years, he doubted he could contain his anger if he even encountered him again- would he kill him? Shredding his moral codes and all he believed in to make justice for the one responsible for all the mess they were into?- No, he wouldn’t, the care he still had in his heart for his friend was still too strong for him to allow himself to do such a thing; but he hadn’t been the only one betrayed that day, and James doubted Sirius would have the same internal conflict as he did.

Because of his betrayal Selene was trapped, for his actions, Harry was in more danger than he’d ever been before. For this James made one of the biggest mistakes of his life, he hadn’t trust in Selene, causing for all the perils of this world befall onto them.

Padfoot was restless, as he ought to be. Nobody expected Sirius to keep calm during such moments, where their future, his future, his Selene, was at stake. 

He kept pacing around, nervous, unsettled. His hair was freezy, even in his dog shape. The big canine was as fierce as it might seem.

He transformed a while ago, to be prepared earlier, just in case, just in case he’d have to run, just in case he’d had to go after Selene.

But also, because he still wasn’t talking to James, not after all he’d done, or more like, what he hadn’t done.

They waited patiently for the signal, for Lily’s doe to appear amongst the trees. Dumbledore made her stay behind, next to him, to await for them to open the doors.

She’d been too paranoid, too manic lately, and when the old man told her she couldn’t go with James and Sirius she almost lost it, again- But she simply couldn’t, she was not an animagus, and they had too little time to make her one. She looked back at him then, betrayal plastered on her eyes, as if this had been once again one of his doings.

But it wasn’t and he needed her help desperately. He’d been juggling it all, Sirius’ and Lily’s condition, Harry, the plan, rescuing Selene… And he felt alone, so alone.

Remus stood next to him, he checked on him during the nights, taking care of Harry on the hours Kreacher could not, but they both felt powerless.

The most important people in their lives were gone, out of themselves- In such a state they couldn’t even be recognizable. Lily being mean, distasteful and ruin to everyone around her, and keeping her distance with Harry. She was probably scared of not being able to separate him from the rest.

It had been their son, her son, who cornered Selene in the end, in her eagerness to protect him they’d all condemned her, the only person outside their small bubble who cared for their son and they’d forsake her.

And Sirius… Sirius was something else entirely.

He’d never seen him like that, so melancholic, so broken. Not even when he arrived at his door one rainy night in the summer before they’d entered their sixth year, suitcase in hand filled with some of his belongings. Not even in their third year when he arrived at school with his back filled with bruises, and burn marks.

The only time he’d seen him remotely similar, only having a glimpse of this empty shell he currently was, was after the prank, after he’d heedlessly tried to kill Selene, after they almost revealed Remus’ secret to the world. He’d been absent, gone, his mind somewhere else entirely, in a foreign path none of them could reach him. James believed, truly believed that it was because of Remus’ anger, his desolation a product of his recklessness; but Jayce knew better now, it’d been because of Selene. Everything concerning Sirius was always about her.

And now he paced around, anxious, and fearful. He urgently needed- he desperately wanted to find her, to wrap her in his embrace and not let the outside to ever reach her again. But he was afraid, horror filled his insides, questions of what she was enduring, what she was feeling, what he was doing to her.

Nothing they could answer, only the uncertainty drowning them. Intrigue too powerful to ignore- But at the same time they were certain, for there was no doubt that whatever Selene had to endure, was going to leave a permanent mark in her already tainted soul.

So Sirius continued to pace around, anxious and horrified- He awaited for the doe to appear, for the signal of a better outcome, of a possibility, although faint, that he could see her again.

*

Voldemort was gone, he crossed the threshold, and for the first time in what felt like forever, the only inhabitants of the house were the Malfoys and a couple of guards in the entrance, and Selene, hiding away in one of its fancy rooms.

It was too easy. Way too easy.

Lily let the doe run free, alerting James and Sirius in advance, to take the opportunity destiny laid in front of them.

Barely a couple of minutes passed after Lily liberated her patronus when the grid opened, its big doors with the serpents ingrained moving out of the way to let them in, her boys had succeeded.

It seemed simple enough.

Dumbledore made a simple signal, the plan was simple enough, Lily and Remus would go ahead, making sure Selene was safe and taking the Malfoy’s with them, backing up James and Sirius whilst the rest of the Order would stay behind, alert, in case Voldemort was alerted, in case something went wrong.

It all went wrong quite quickly, only Merlin knows how.

Only minutes passed, Lily barely crossed the main door when she was met with a frightful Narcissa Malfoy, holding her son in her arms with a desperate look in her eyes. “They are here.”

A black cloud appeared in the middle of the sky, dozens of death eaters appearing out of thin air. Bellatrix’s laughter could be heard even from the distance. The distinguished smell of wood burning filled her nose- They were burning the manor, with them inside.

Terror rose up from Lily’s insides, twisting up her guts and forcing her to keep the puke inside.

The death eaters were there, Narcissa’s face was pale white, Lucius grabbed his head in desperation.

And there was no sign of Selene yet, no Sirius carrying her, no James smirking behind them.

Where were they?

*

Her sight was blurry, the whole world was.

Her eyes had become accustomed to the darkness, for Tom, yes Tom , did not open the curtains during the day, and for some reason the lights did not work in her little chamber, her jail, her prison. She’d always been accustomed to the dark, it was part of her, wasn’t it? She, a dark witch, having what she always was meant to have- Pain, despair.

She only had the moonlight these days, an awfully cold type of light- She’d always hated it, or more like, they made her hate it.

She’d been so terrified that night, that fatidic night, where she believed herself already dead, where the werewolf with the kind eyes turned back to her, the night where if not for damned James Potter she would already be dead.

Would life have been different if she were?

Better for them all, perhaps.

Regulus would still be alive, that was for sure, her mother would still be alive, living the life she’d chosen to live along with her father, he might have been kinder without Selene around, reminding them both of all their past mistakes. Lily wouldn't be in danger, Harry wouldn’t be in danger.

For she was the one to meet Trelawney that night, condemning them all to a life of despair, to horror, to uncertainty.

Probably Lily would’ve had a better life, without Selene to drag her down, without her to make her relationship with Potter a mess- Without her constant presence telling her friend that she was doing something wrong, that she was betraying them both.

She wanted Lily to be happy, alive, safe- That was the only thing she's always wanted, for her first love, her first everything to be safe, to have a good life- Even without her in it.

It all would’ve been better without Selene in it.

What kind of life Regulus would’ve had without her? He probably would be married to a pureblood girl, some not really far relative they could find, someone who did not talk back, someone Walburga approved.

Would he be happy? Or would he rebel anyway after what the dark lord dared to do to Kreacher? His loyal house elf, the same creature who despised Selene so much he wanted her dead, the same creature she now trusted more than anyone else.

Regulus was dead but Kreacher was safe, they both made sure for him to be safe. Regulus rescued him, and Selene made sure for him to have a place next to Dumbledore, where he was to be taken care of- Dumbledore, Albus.

That wretched man, what would he do without his little spy? What would he do without their tea parties? Without their chess’ thursdays. 

They both knew how she felt about him, how much she loved him, how safe she believed herself to be around him. He was the father Tobias never was, and deep down, beneath all his worries about Voldemort, the death eaters, Hogwarts, the marauders even, Selene wanted to believe- she had the slim hope that he cared for her too. Perhaps not in the way she wanted to, probably not with the same paternal love Selene almost craved, but with some kind of care born out of respect.

She did not keep her hopes high.

And what about Sirius? Would his life be better without her? Would his teenage years be occupied in something else instead of harassing her around?

But hadn’t he already experienced life without her? All those years she was away with Regulus, when they took different paths, when Selene believed herself to finally be out of his life.

Were those some happy days? She knew they were not, he told her himself, in one of those days they could leisurely talk to each other before the meetings. Bouncing their legs at the same rhythm, resting their whole weight over the chairs on the Potter’s lounge. Those times when their bodies touched accidentaly yet none of them dared to pull aside or to lean closer, scared of breaking their feigned intimacy.

She remembers the look in his eyes, the horror before she willingly went away. She remembers his eyes, everytime Voldemort stood too close, every time his hands roamed across her frame not caring of anyone around them, She saw Sirius barely contained anger, how his nails would dig onto the skin of his palms, so hard they would bleed, the only way to contain himself from doing something they’d all regret.

She remembers him coming to her whenever she needed him, running in the middle of the night because she couldn’t hold her feelings anymore. Selene could even remember the caress of his touch, the smell of his aftershave, the color of his eyes, all even in her dizziness, in the poisonous amortentia he’d been giving her for Merlin knows how long.

It was the only way to keep herself sane, to remember him, to remember Sirius. His warm eyes, his soft caress, how plump his lips were, how would they taste? She did not know, they hadn’t kissed yet, she hadn’t allowed it- She hadn’t kissed him yet.

Selene had never been someone holding to dear life, she knew death could reach her any minute, that any day could be the last, that any word could be her last- She’d made peace with the fact quite some time ago, many moons ago, after Regulus’ death, after her misscarriage.

She’d never thought about the future, for she was sure she would never have one. She was sure she wouldn’t see Harry growing up, Draco’s first day of school, Lily with white hair, nor Sirius’ first wrinkles.

It all had been okay with her, she knew she wouldn’t have those moments, she was living on a time that wasn’t her own, living a life she was not supposed to have, for she was supposed to die alongside her family, once Regulus died, once she lost their child- She hold to life for the people she still loved, wanting them to live what she would never.

It was then, that night, when the cold moonlight lit her prison cell, when Nagini’s hisses were her only company, that Selene realized that it was not enough, not to her, not anymore.

That she wanted to savour Sirius’s lips, for the first time, and forever after that, marry him perhaps, fight with him and then come back together, as they always did.

She wanted to see wrinkles on his face, gray hairs on his beard, smile lines next to his mouth.

She wanted the life she was not supposed to have, not when Voldemort coveted her like a flea to a dog, like a parasite to its lifesource. He wanted her for some reason, but she was not going to let him anymore.

There was just one horcrux missing, the one resting alongside her, with its body entangled on her body, hugging her legs, not letting her go.

She wondered how it worked, if this creature just like the other horcrux was supposed to be eliminated in some nonsensically difficult way, or if being alive, being a living thing, made of flesh, was like everyone else; fragile.

Selene had no wand, no way to do it, and her mind was a mess of feelings on display, courtesy of the amalgam of potions Voldemort was making her take. Even if she concentrated, she doubted any spell would come out of her hands.

There was little option left, but the teeth Sirius used to laugh about.

The blood was smearing all around when the door creaked.

*

It was more difficult than they expected to find the right room, until they did, just as the fire started to spread, when the faint smell of smoke filled the air, even if they were far from it.

The door was locked, magically, who knows how many spells and counterspells Voldemort put on it. But Selene was on the other side, her life in danger as the fire spreaded across the hallways- Sirius would be damned if he ever let Selene alone in a moment of distress again. He would prefer his heart to be pulled out his chest than leave her again.

“SELENE!” He screamed, hoping to hear anything on the other side of the wooden door, but no sound could be heard, a silence spell that was for sure. “SELENE, LOVE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?” He tried all the spells he knew to unlock a door, James on his side trying his own, but nothing occurred, the door wouldn't let them in, he wouldn’t let them in.

Sirius did not care, he didn’t care what that pompous imbecile of a man could do, his power or his knowledge, he couldn’t care less for his grandioseness. He was going to set Selene free, no matter what.

He kicked the door once, then twice, then bashed into it with his full strength, James looked at him with fear in his eyes, maybe fear of Sirius finally going insane, there was no way for them to open it. But the wood made a sound, one it shouldn’t be making, a simple crack. A signal, something so ridiculous, so easy to avoid. 

Voldemort had made the door a shield to any type of spell they could have, but not to simple brute force, something he would never use.

Sirius continued to push it, to bang his full body against the door. His body ached, he couldn’t care less. The wood creaked again, loud enough for James to hear it, Sirius could not see him, but his friend’s eyes widened in surprise, he was quick to follow through, and banged his own body against the door too. With their combined force the wood was quick to shatter, its hinges giving in.

When the door opened it seemed like time stopped, like he was in that second alone, for eternity- his eyes rose up, searching for his Selene in the obscured room, he quickly found her, he was always meant to find her. Her frame, illuminated only by the dim moonlight, appeared to be akin to starlight, shining in the dark, a faint halo highlighting her in the darkness, marking her, calling to him, showing him that she was there, she’d been waiting for him. She was over the bed, her body uprighted in surprise, all bloodied, the red smearing her mouth and face, but she was safe, somehow he knew that blood was not hers, that it was from the wailing creature that laid at her feet, the same animal she used to revere- He paid no mind for the implications, it had nothing to do with him.

She looked like the dark witch she was always meant to be, the one that plagued his mind since he met her that fateful day on the Hogwarts express. All the terror and fear that the image would’ve ignited in him in the past, the contradiction of what he wanted to be, and wanted to despise were long gone- the image, the miracle, the woman, only brought him pure exhilaration, desire, peace.

That was Selene, his Selene, fighting for her life, fighting to get back to him.

Her eyes, manic, crazy- passionate, met his, black meeting gray, a clash that was always destined to be. He’d never seen her more beautiful, he cared not for the serpent’s blood tainting her, covering the silk nightgown that barely covered her skin. Her eyes were tearful, or was it his? She became a blur before the tears started flowing from his eyes, and the last thing he saw before the tears overcame him was her frame, extending her arms to him, begging him to meet her; and he did.

He ran to her, as he was always meant to do. The small distance separating them became null, her arms enveloped his neck, his hands wrapped around her waist. For a moment there was nothing between them, nothing around them. No living being existed but them, as it should be, as it always should have been.

Her breathing tickled his neck, his unkept beard grasping her cheeks. They said nothing but the other’s name, a plea, a gentle calling, as if the other was but a figment of their imagination, and they might as well could be, for there was nothing more perfect, more purposefully correct then the other resting on their arms.

“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.” She called, nuzzling on his neck, marking him with her essence, with her presence, with her being.

Chapter Text

Their hurried footsteps echoed on the wooden floor. The large hallways on the manor did nothing to let them go unnoticed.

Selene was tired, she’d never had a body prone to physical exhaustion, whenever they persecuted her in school she was almost easy to catch, it proved to be an awful disadvantage.

Now her body was unused to it, for so many days she had ignored the use of her legs and they became alien to her own body, she tripped over only twice when Sirius cared for it no longer, and snatch her by the waist to pull her onto his arms, carrying her like a knight would to his princess. He did not even question the action, he did not ever think before performing it, he just did it; it felt natural.

Potter ran next to them, and Selene noticed that no matter how hurriedly they were sprinting, neither Sirius nor Potter appeared particularly agitated, at least not compared to the way her heart was furiously beating on her chest and her own breathing could not relax a bit.

Potter hazel eyes met her own for a second, a gleam she’d never seen on them surprised her. He nodded, a silent apology. Selene did not care for it, she’d done nothing for him.

Her mind felt less numb, less foggy- Almost as if just getting out of that tiny room could’ve made her come back to her senses, at least a little. Nagini’s venom mixed with the amortentia made her memories diffuse, putting Voldemort’s cruel eyes on all of her fond memories of Sirius, yet at the sight of him again, of the tenderness of his gray eyes, she felt her memories reorganizing again, and what she believed truth before came again with certainty.

In her incarceration she knew her feeling for Sirius were not the ones her mind was showing her, and every moment awake Selene fought between uncertainty and memory- Believing a tale she had no reason to trust, almost as if having faith in something she could not see nor perceive, but was somehow certain of its existence. Her feelings for Sirius, although ridiculous under the influence of the amortentia, perdured, perhaps because she hated him as much as she loved him.

Nagini’s potion did something unprecedented, it twisted her memories onto these tales of horror and disdain, where she feared Sirius’ presence and despised it as much- But in reality, that differed not much from the truth.

She’d hated him for the longest time, and as much as her blood boiled at the sight of him, as much his mere presence could make her body recoil, she’d always been drawn to him.

Even those days in Hogwarts, where they hated each other more than anything else in the world- Even then, her body, her mind, was drawn to him, needed him in a way one would need a drug, something that destroys you as much as it gives you pleasure.

It was something Voldemort did not have in consideration, and astonishingly, was a part of it too.

Love and hate were different faces of the same coin, and the thing was, Selene was greedy, and had more than one.

She believed for the longest time that Regulus and Sirius were one, the one she loved and the one she despised- But they were not intertwined, they were not the same, they couldn’t even be compared. Sirius was his own, and she knew it now.

Voldemort- Tom, was the same as him, probably because of her own insane nature, and as much as Selene wanted to blame her mother because of it, because of her lunacy, with the same self flagellating tendencies, maybe the masochism was something Prince’s are born with. And for that, she was drawn to Tom too- It might be his power, his knowledge, maybe just him. But the silver coin bearing his face always faced down, and the monster he was always turned back to her.

Perhaps if she’d never known tenderness, if Regulus hadn’t been at her side for as long as he was, chasing her troubles away, making her feel warm, as a lover should always make you feel- Perhaps if he hadn’t been in the picture at all, if he hadn’t dare to kiss her that night on the common room, perhaps she would’ve folded, she would’ve fell to the dark lord’s hands without much ado.

There were many things to thank Regulus for, that being just one of them.

They reached the front door, and nobody told Selene the plan, none of them thought about it, being too desperate to run, to get out of this place as soon as they could- But Potter looked around frantically, as if searching for something, someone- Lily.

“Where are they?” He asked, it came out as a whisper, something mostly for himself than the rest at present, but when his hazel eyes could not find the auburn curls, he became frantic, as frantic as Selene felt inside. “Lily! Lily! Where are you?” He started to scream, and Sirius almost let her go to silence his friend’s cries.

But there was no use for it, and Selene knew it, the death eaters most certainly knew about their presence already, if not for them intruding then for the full force Sirius used against the door, Potter’s cries would only settle Selene’s fears.

And she worried, and started to look frantically all around, wondering with no small amount of horror where on earth her friend must have gotten.

Clap, clap, clap, came from behind them, and they turned around with dread filling their hearts.

Tom- Voldemort, for this was the man who looked at her with tenderness, this was the man possessed when facing things not going his way, was standing there, in the middle of the drawing room, clapping his hands with a deliberate slow pacing, mocking them.

His features were neutral, even mocking, a soft smile in his lips, only a soft rise on one corner. He seemed almost relaxed, but Selene knew better, he knew him much better than that. His smile was tense, the protruding vein in his forehead was throbbing, and his eyes were not those brown eyes filled with gentleness, they were red, bloody red.

Something inside of her commanded her to jump from Sirius arm’s to go to him, to console him. Her mind commanded her to, as if it were the right thing to do, what she ought to do. The arms around her felt wrong, and they did not belong to her- That’s what her mind told her, the potion still on her body, settling in her mind, taking control of herself.

But as much as her mind screamed at her to do what was supposedly right, she would not. Her heart, her chest, her middle screamed otherwise, and could not, for the life of her, get out of Sirius’ embrace.

But he saw the hesitation in her eyes, for he knew her too well for her own good. He saw the faint gestures in her features, in the small creases between her brows, the way her eyes would flicker around his frame.

And he smiled, feeling victorious, feeling above both of them, all of them.

“Ah, Selene, I think you’ve strayed way too far from your bed” He said, and the sound of his voice sent a shiver down her spine, Sirius held her tighter, trying to hide her from Tom’s sight. “I have to thank you, Black, for taking good care of my Selene. But it is time for the both of us to leave.” He extended his hand, but they all knew he was mocking them, he was not expecting anything for them, just prolonged their uncertainty.

“I will not go with you.” Selene spatted, with more confidence she truly felt.

Voldemort snarled, disgusted, and with a flick of his hand he commanded his followers to appear.

Lily and Remus were in front of a pair of deatheaters, but they were merely holding their wrists, their wands directed towards James and Sirius not at the redhead nor the werewolf. It would’ve been easy for them to get away, to fight back and free themselves, but another pair of cloaked figures appeared and Sirius' throat felt tighter at the sight.

The Malfoys, his cousin and her son, and her husband, with wands directed at their throats, as they trembled in fear.

Draco, just months older than Harry, was screaming desperately in his mother’s arms, and Sirius felt Selene fiddling in his embrace, desperately wanting to face the wailing child.

But Sirius couldn’t let her, for he knew she would do anything for the kid, as much as she did for Harry himself.

And in all honesty, Sirius cared not for the Malfoys.

Would he mourn the death of the child? Of course, but he couldn’t care less for his father nor his mother, even if Narcissa was his cousin, even if they grew up together.

All he cared about was the woman in his arms, who was fighting to get off his embrace.

“You are not going anywhere, Selene. You know that.” Voldemort said, his voice controlled but noticeably higher than before.

“Let them go!” Lily demanded, as if she was allowed to do so. Voldemort pretended not to hear, his eyes still focused on Selene’s, searching for the faintest sign on them.

“Sirius, put me down.” She said sternly, he wanted to object, claiming she was too frail for that, but she did not allow it. “Now!” Sirius hesitated, he did not care about her cousin, and her husband, Remus and Lily were hostages but they could fight back- How could he let her go? How could she ask him such a thing when he finally had her in his arms? He hadn’t even kissed her yet, and she wanted to go back to him ?

He was wrong, he knew he was. She wasn’t asking him to get back to Voldemort, she wasn’t even asking him to go away, she just wanted to put her feet on the floor.

But he couldn’t, he just, couldn’t. She was doing it again, risking herself, all over again. 

And what for?

People that cared not for her, no one cared enough for her, not even himself before all of this happened- Before they became spies together, before they spent some time together.

Would his teenage self sacrifice Selene in order to save his cousin? Would he dare to do such a thing even though she plagued every single thought in his mind every waking hour? Could he do that even if that meant the face that was in every single one of his dreams will disappear forever out of his sight?

Nah- He wouldn’t, he could not allow himself to think any version of himself could.11

He put her on the floor, carefully, her legs gave in and if not for his arms holding her close, she would’ve fallen onto the floor, he received the glance that Voldemort threw at him with a sense of pride, not caring if it was not the moment nor time for it.

Selene faced him, resting her body against Sirius. It was such a different sight compared to the first time he ever saw her, when she had no one to rely on but herself, the support of the Malfoy’s barely there at that time. And now, such a different view, with her having the support of the ones who wronged her once, a long time ago, a lifetime ago.

She locked her eyes with his, and for a desperate moment, Tom believed himself doomed, just because her eyes decided to cast a glance at him.

He would do anything to keep those eyes on him, he cared not for the ones around her.

But she did, she cared more than she ever dared to tell anyone, not even the one who was going to get his arm severed if he did not take it off of Selene’s waist in the next few minutes. “My patience is quite limited, Selene, as you well know. Come with me, now!” It was not a request, not even a question, but a demand. His intention was clear, even for the men with limited mental capabilities that accompanied the woman he so desired. The panic filled the eyes of the bespectacled one, whilst the other reaffirmed his hold on his Selene.

He was going to leave a mark if he continued. A purple bruise stain on her pale flesh.

Tom could see the horror in her features, as the Malfoy’s boy’s wailing filled the room, every second that went by, the more Selene got agitated, the more she was prone to panic. Infants, he found out, were the most perfect bait, for anyone would do anything to get them to safety.

At least, anyone with a slight sense of decency, one the young Black and he did not share with the rest of the world.

Tom saw them fighting, Selene and him, how she desperately wanted to help the baby, to come to him, to let herself be embraced by Tom’s arms and bring the child into safety, but Black was not allowing it, his hold on her becoming firmer, absent of all gentleness.

“Sirius! Draco- He needs me!” She tried to argue, tried to liberate from the other’s hold, but it was of no use, he was stronger than her, and as much as she tried to fight back, he did not give in- Black was desperate, his face was filled with horror and jealousy, and barely contained anger. He could not let her go, not again, for he was sure, and Tom would make sure that he would never see her again.

But Selene cared not for it, the crying child clouded her judgment as much as Tom intended- That kid was just the push she needed to come back to him, and that was alright, that was okay, as long as she decided to come back.

He could not force her, he could not just kill the man currently manhandling her, and she was aware of that, she made sure of it. With her unbreakable oath she put that miserable man into safety, but she did not consider the Malfoys that day.

“I can not let you- Please, Selene, I cannot-” Black cried, his eyes filled with tears, his hands grasping her arms so tight the bruises were already forming. Selene looked at him, with something Tom could not recognize, something alien to him.

And she kissed him.

She kissed Black, right in front of him, in a room filled with astonished spectators.

Tom’s mind stopped functioning for a second, his mind burning the memory of the betrayal in front of him. But his eyes were fixated on hers, and he saw how once again, it was his Selene, his precious Selene outsmarting Black, for the man’s hold relaxed with her lips over his mouth, and she let it be her chance.

Her Selene, once again, came to him. He might have to punish her a little, for playing such games in front of him, but he cared not for it, he couldn’t, not when he saw her running to him, with Black’s desperate features following her lead.

And he could not help to go and meet her half way.

He was too focused, too enthralled by her face, by her eyes, that he did not notice the single flick of her hand, a silent signal she gave to those on her side.

He did not notice immediately how the bespectacled man hexed his men, and the Malfoy’s amazed gasp. How the redhead and the other man fought back the ones holding them down.

If not for his obsession looking at him in the eyes, he might have noticed Black’s wand pointing at him, perhaps he would’ve seen the lighting bolt before it was coming to meet him.

It should not have been that simple, to get rid of him- But the horcruxes were already destroyed, the last one by the mouth of his greatest obsession. If not for his pettiness, his desperate need to feel the glory, Tom might have found it hilarious, maybe even just right, to be killed in the hands of the one he desired the most, but it was only anger that he felt before his legs gave in, and the world was no more.

He did wonder if Nagini felt the same exhilaration as he, when the traitor’s fangs pierced through her skin as they did with his heart.

*

Selene legs gave in quickly, her unsteady breathing not letting her hear anything that transpired around her.

Sirius found her first, he was quick to assess her, desperate to look after her, to make sure that she was indeed fine.

Who followed next was Narcissa, who cared not for her cousin at her side and threw herself to hug her, pressing their bodies together with little Draco in between, he stopped crying but was still scared, looking all around his little world to find the source of his discomfort.

Selene was trembling, the fog on her mind finally dissipating for good, letting all the pain and dread to wash over her, and she found comfort hugging Draco close, making sure he was okay, letting herself sniff on his hair, for his baby powder to fill her nose thrills and to remind herself why she was there in the first place. “You’re okay, you’re okay-” She said, as a mantra, holding him close. Nobody knew, nor cared if the words were referring to her godson or to herself. 

Lily stood, watching at her friend from afar, uncertain of what she should do, she grabbed onto James’ hand almost as a reflex, to comfort herself, Remus took his sweater off, all bloodied from the fight, and put it over the unrecognisable faces of the death eaters who attacked them, the same who went after Selene soon after their master fell.

They all walked out of the manor to meet the rest of the order, Lucius put his coat over Selene’s frame, covering her bloodied frame. It was cold outside, and she had no shoes on. Sirius took her in his arms once again, but just as before, he had to put her down when facing her master.

She ran onto Dumbledore’s arms, and the old man was not able to hide his astonishment.

He hugged her close and caressed her hair, he separated from her just barely enough to hold her face in between his hands, taking a look of her features, on her tired eyes, on the trace of her tears. “You’re safe now.” He claimed and she nodded, trusting him completely.

* 

It was a mess the days to come. With the help of the Malfoy’s, the order and the ministry found a large hidden manor that inside had thirteen kidnapped muggles, of a wide range of ages.

“He intended to perform ancient-dark magic. We don’t know how he learnt about it, but he said he needed all of the muggles to perform it.” Explained Lucius to Dumbledore, as they stood on the entrance as more than a dozen aurors inspected the place. “The thing was quite simple, actually. He killed them and he filled a tub with their blood, he meant for them both to bathe in it and to perform the spell. In that way their souls would merge- His horcruxes would be hers and if he died so would she.” He couldn’t help but to shiver just uttering the words, he seemed to be as terrified as Dumbledore.

“What stopped him from doing it?”

“I don’t actually know.” He said, his eyes tracing the tacky decorations of the manor of his former master. “But he had it planned in performing it the same week you barged into my home.” He sighed, turning back to look at the old man. “I’m glad you arrived on time.”

Dumbledore was too.

Most of the death eaters that had not been captured managed to escape, Lucius Malfoy’s sister in law being one of them, Bellatrix disappeared that same day without leaving proof of her existence, her husband was found soon enough, yet he had no information of the woman he married.

*

“Professor Black!” A girl chanted, hurrying up to catch up with the woman in charge of her class that day. “Are we going to pass by your house today?”

The professor chuckled, an earthy laughter the children were used to now, the same teacher filled with awkwardness that took them under her wig in their first year, the same year she started teaching, was now confident enough to show her kindness and whimsicalness to her students. “And why would you want that?” Her question was simple but made the girl blush, red smearing her cheeks just as quick as she uttered the question.

Another girl, for they were four, four little girls of all the different houses with a close knit friendship, made a sound that she could only compare to a groan before speaking. “You know why, missus!” The professor made sure the girl’s scarf was tight enough so she would not get a cold before speaking again.

“I will not pretend to know your thoughts better than yourselves, so go on, tell me.”

“Because your husband is really handsome!” the hufflepuff spurted and the others made her shut immediately.

Selene chuckled again, her soft laughter barely reaching the girls as they quarrelled around her. “Yes, he is.”

As they finished their tour around Hogsmeade, Selene walked by her own home, a simple little thing in the middle of the town. If the girls followed or not, she pretended not to notice.

She approached one particular window, where she knew someone would be waiting for her on the other side, and knocked the crystal three times. Sirius was quick to open, a devious grin adorning his lips as Harry and Draco screamed in the other room. “Hey there, gorgeous.”

“I hope that shattering noises I just heard are not my frames again, Sirius.”

“They just get mad when they see the picture of the other hanging over the chimney, when you get home they will be asking you again and again which one is your favorite- I swear to you, if i did not know their parents are going to pick them up tomorrow i would’ve thrown them onto the street.”

Selene contained her laughter and instead only smirked at the commentary, the kids were a handful sometimes. “I don’t have favourites.” 

“Yes, you do.” He leaned down, his body almost completely outside, and his breath tickled her skin. “I am your favourite.” He said before kissing her lips. A tender and soft touch, simple enough to let her wait for more. “And I think this one will become your favourite too.” He pointed to her barely protruding belly. Sirius smiled wide, she could not help but to follow.

“I guess she will be.” Selene put her hands around her form, caressing what was there. Whispering a soft prayer for nothing to ever harm the daughter they were expecting.

For she knew life was cruel, but she was so happy-

The happiest she’s ever been, incapable of believing there was much more bliss in store for her.

She just needed to wait.

The End.

Chapter Text

“Hurry up, or we will be late!” The kid with the bundle of black hair yelled, his pretty green eyes already covered by a couple glasses which without him would not be able to walk around without bumping against everything.

“Why are you in such a rush? Sirius said the celebration would be at five o’clock, we are half an hour early." The kid’s father said, as he made his strades slower, a thing that made his son even more frustrated, enough for him to grab his hair in an act of pure exasperation.

“Because Malfoy will be there already!” He said and without looking back, not bothered by his parents' laughter at him, he ran after the door of the one who was his most important person ever.

It was Selene’s birthday, and he did not have many chances to spend the days with her! She had to teach other kids in Hogwarts and even her weekends were busy sometimes! And most of the time he had to share the time with his godmother with that ridiculous Draco Malfoy! How much he hated him!

Malfoy often said that he was the kid Selene loved the most because she was his godmother first, but for Harry that seemed completely unfair considering that of course that would happen since Malfoy was older than him! For a couple of months, Oh how he wished he was born before Malfoy, maybe in January! So he could have his birthday the same month mom and Selene did!

When he reached the door he made sure to only knock thrice, for Selene did not like when he banged the door like Sirius did, but she never got angry at him for it.

The door was opened but not by Selene, nor Sirius either who was the one who was supposed to host since it was Selene’s birthday and she is not supposed to do anything! It is her special day after all and everyone must attend to her needs! Or so momma said once and stuck to him. But no, the one opening the door was not Sirius nor Selene, not even Malfoy, well- It was a Malfoy but not the Malfoy. 

Draco’s mother looked at him from where she stood with a weird expression, one Harry was unsure if it was amicable or dismissing, could it be that Malfoy sent his momma to scare Harry away and to have Selene all for himself this day!? Not a chance! He would not be dissuaded by a really pretty woman with really cold eyes!

But even though he had much to say to the woman to let him in, his momma arrived next to him and was quick to speak over him, a thing he was truly grateful of, for he was indeed a little bit scared of the Malfoys not Draco though, Draco was a sissy -his father called Malfoy that once when talking to his friends, his momma chastised him and Harry made sure to remember to never say it out loud, but he did found Malfoy cowardly!-

“May we come in, Narcissa?” Momma’s voice was polite, but not kind, it lacked that warmth she always used. Momma and pappa did not like the Malfoy’s very much, but they did not see them very often, mostly on Selene’s birthdays or his and Malfoy’s birthdays last year! He did not know why momma invited Malfoy to his birthday, but they did spent the whole afternoon playing so whatever.

“Of course, good evening, all of you.” She got outta the way to let them in, before talking directly to him. “Harry, Draco is already in the parlor playing with some potions Selene arranged for you two.”

Why would she think he wanted to go and play with Malfoy? Harry had not the slightest idea, but when they informed him that Selene had not arrived yet he made his way directly towards Malfoy.

The blond boy -who was only two inches taller than him even if he insisted he was five inches taller- was kneeling on the carpet, with an open book of potions and a little cauldron in the middle. It was smaller than the average, Selene told them she wouldn’t let them play with one full size yet but she did teach them to make some easy potions, like strength potion and that one he always forgot the name that made your hair grow and made Malfoy look like a girl. 

He was about to salute Malfoy, and mock him too, but decided against it when he noticed the taciturn look in his eyes, his silver eyes looked mournful and they did not strand away from the swirl of the green liquid inside the cauldron. “What is it?” He decided to ask, not bothering to even say hello, they were above that pleasantries.

Malfoy said nothing but looked back at him, tears he refused to shed adorning his eyes and his lips were frowned in a pout, almost trying not to cry but failing miserably to not pretend he did not want to. Harry had never been particularly good comforting people when they were crying, whenever a classmate cried because they fell roughly to the floor or because they got bad grades at their finger painting assignment, he was quick to turn away from the issue and pretend he never heard the other crying, but seeing the despicable Malfoy about to cry, made him feel truly bad.

He walked towards the boy and softly put his hand over his shoulder, slowly patting as he said “There, there.” But it was the wrong thing to do, apparently, for Malfoy stood up and instead of thanking him for his astounding display of affection, he pushed him back, making his butt to collide with the floor and almost bumping his head with the soft rug.

“What 's the matter with you!?” He barked, angry, but Malfoy seemed even more bothered by his words and he crossed his arms as Selene used to do when she was crossed with something. 

“You really know nothing, don’t you?” The blond said, his face down and his shoulders heaving violently, Harry indeed felt like he knew nothing for he could not comprehend why would Malfoy be acting in such a way. “Selene is dying!” He screamed, but it came more like a whisper, as if saying it out loud would deemed it true, earth shattering.

It might as well be, for Harry felt like the world was opening and swallowing him whole, capturing him with its fangs and not letting him take a breath, he felt his chest heaving but his lungs received no air, the world was spinning and the only thing keeping him afloat were Malfoy’s arms grabbing him, his tears dampened the collar of his shirt and Harry’s tight grab on the other’s vest made it all wrinkle.

That’s how they found him, or more like, how Selene found them, both pressed together as they let heavy tears fall down their sweet chubby faces. The woman, who did not know the previous interchange between the infants, only found the scene endearing, for even though both kids swore that the other was their most hated enemy, they loved spending time with the other, playing around, mocking each other and, those times when they reminded her the most to her and Lily on their younger years, were when Draco and Harry just laid down in the floor, on the garden, sometimes on over the rug of the parlor, telling each other stuff, of how their parents were, how Harry’s teachers were lame and how Draco’s professor was too tight for someone with not as much knowledge as he pretended to.

She walked inside, not wanting to bother them but having to since Sirius just bought some appetizers specially for them, meringue pie for Draco and a pumpkin pie for Harry. None of them noticed her presence, so she scrunched down to their eyesight. They were tall for five year olds, but still too short to reach her. She smiled as she rested both her hands on her knees and waited for them to see her, when it became apparent they were too enthralled in their little hug she just said. “Care to say hi to me on my birthday?” They separated immediately and lurched towards her, almost making her fall into the ground, that would’ve made her laugh in any other occasion and would softly chastise them for being so careless, but she saw the tears on their eyes and the alarm bells on her mind started ringing fervently.

“Boys, what is it?” She took Harry’s face between her hands to see him clearly as Draco refused to let her go, his tiny little arms grabbing onto her with such desperation she felt herself panic. “Draco, Harry, what is the matter? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”

But the children did not answer, or at least not in a way she could understand them, for between their whining cries they tried to say their reasoning but for her and almost any adult who was not their parent, their words were completely lost.

Fortunately for her and her nerves, both set of parents ran into the parlor after hearing the children desperate cries, Sirius and Remus walked close behind with similar perplexed faces, whilst Dumbledore did not bother to get up of his seat, talking eagerly with Minerva and Kreacher, as the latter was nervous to hear the children cries, for he was very fond of them and took care of them whenever they were on his misses house, mistress Selene made sure to take care of the kids every two weeks to let the parents get some rest, and because she like the kids too, Kreacher made everything in his reach to help his mistress.

“What is it, baby? Did you get hurt?” Lily said, taking his son from Selene’s arms, but Narcissa was not as fortunate, for Draco’s hands were chained over his godmother’s neck and fervently refused to be taken away from her, shaking his head with purposeful “no, no, no.”

It was Harry the one to talk, although his words made no sense. “Se-selene is drying.” was all he said, before crying and wailing again, leaving all the adults around him flabbergasted. He hugged his mother and cried, hard and loud, until he could no longer continue but the tears still flowed from his eyes. 

Once he relaxed a little, and Draco still refused to be taken away from his precious Selene, Lily asked. “Why would you think such a thing, baby?”

“Draco told me.”

And it was Narcissa’s turn to interrogate her son.

“Be-because you said, Selene had to go to the hospital, and everything would be more complicated and everything will change and-and that it was risky for her and-and I assumed you meant that she could die!” It was the little one's explanation, who in all fairness, should not have been eavesdropping, that brought Selene to chuckle, that soft laughter that put everyone at ease and made the children stop whining.

“I believe some explanations are in order, don’t we?” Sirius approached her, taking the blond kid from her arms and into his own, Lily put Harry on the floor and let him approach her best friend.

“Okay, champ, I think we owe you both some explanations.”

“But first of all, I’m not dying, if anything, it is the contrary.” But the children only crooked their heads more confused. Selene made no attempt to carry Harry in her arms as she would do under any other circumstances, and instead took his hand, signaling him to follow her, and Sirius did the same close behind, with Draco still on his arms.

The parents of the kids followed to the kitchen but stayed put when Selene took the children to the garden, next to a big and beautiful lavender bush, most of them did not know the meaning, and certainly never will, but both Selene and Sirius knew, that was all it mattered.

“Have any of you ever wished for a little sibling?” Sirius started, and was honestly not surprised when both kids nodded eagerly. They were the only kids in their respective homes, and only hanged around with another when visiting Selene and Sirius, Harry spent some time with other kids in kindergarten but Draco almost never saw anyone his age, with the sole expectation of Harry. “Then you might be glad by this news.”

“We are having a baby.” Selene told them, her smile so wide her cheeks hurt, it was difficult not to. “A little girl, according to the doctor. Today we went to see her, that’s why we arrived late.”

Harry was quick to hug Selene and her barely showing tummy, Draco asked Sirius to politely put him down before running to do the same, yet his mind wandered somewhere else. “But why is having a baby dangerous? Why was mamma worried?”

Selene sighed, not wanting to explain herself, but she did, the ones standing there in her garden were the reason she continued going after all. It was Draco and Harry who kept her going and then Sirius who gave her a reason to continue living. She kneeled down again, holding their little hands in hers, once they could barely hold her fingers, now they were longer than her palm. “Once, a time ago, before any of you were born, I almost had a baby, but something happened, and I lost them.”

“Where did you lose them?”

“We could help you search!”

Selene chuckled, even though the tears tried to reach her. “I did not lose them like that, baby, they died, and I planted this lavender when it happened.” She caressed both their cheeks as understanding softened their glee. “And it is dangerous because it can happen again. So I need you both to behave as best as you could, and promise me you are going to take care of my baby girl.”

“We promise.” Both said in unison, but something in Harry's eyes made her wonder, she did not push, and let him ask on his own accord. Having their questions answered, Sirius offered both kids a ride on his broom around the yard, the kid’s laughter echoed in the air, and Sirius's shining smile made it impossible for her to get her eyes off of him. Still too enthralled by his beauty, still wondering how come he loved her in return.

“Selene?” Harry was waiting for his turn, and his hand grabbed onto her own tightly.

“Yes?”

“When your baby arrives… Will you love us less?”

She smiled, Sirius smiled wider from where he was, and waved his hand around. Draco tried to imitate his uncle but almost fell from the broom, if not for Sirius' quick reflexes. “I don’t believe that is possible, Harry. You four are all my world.” Harry did not need to know all they’d endure for his safety, Draco did not need to know how she was willing to sacrifice her freedom for his life. They do not need to know any of that, there is no purpose but to put a weight on their shoulders, set expectations they need not to follow. She wanted them to be happy, that was all she cared about.

“Four?”

“You,” She said, bumping his nose with the tip of her finger. “Draco, Sirius, and now the baby.”

Harry nodded, his smile widening.”I’ll make sure to love your baby, Selene. She will be like my little sister!”

“I’m sure you will, Harry.”

*

As much as she wanted her baby, Selene never thought the labour would be so painful. The day came and the baby did not want to come out, and it was painful. For almost two days she had contractions yet her water did not break and her baby seemed too comfortable still in her womb.

The doctors had to perform a C-section for her hips were too narrow and her baby too big. Sirius looked petrified most of the time but did not leave the room for not a single minute.

There were some complications, Selene lost a lot of blood and she was put in intensive care for a whole week without visitors. The whole time Sirius never left her baby’s side, a baby he refused to name for that privilege would be reserved to her mother. He looked at her baby girl with no small amount of joy, for even if she was his daughter, she already did look nothing like him, her nose was big and pointy, her lips were small and full, all of her but her eyes was but the mirror of his Selene, it was a mini-her to bring into the world.

His friends visited, wanting to help him carry the burden for the days Selene was not alone, but he did not allow it, for could he be apart from his daughter when her mother lay alone in intensive care? It was his duty to take care of her. Lily sticks around, teaching him things he did not know, how to teach her to drink milk, how to make her burp, how to tell when she needed rest, food or to be changed. They all knew Kreached would help them on the task, but he did not want to be the type of man who did not take care of his own baby

Draco and Harry could not see her yet, not until Selene was alright, they sent a pretty letter for her swift recovery and to congratulate them for having given birth to their ‘sister’.

They all complimented her baby, a healthy and beautiful baby girl that became Sirius’ all world next to her Selene. 

When Selene finally met her daughter, she was on the moon, she cried and sobbed because she was beautiful, she finally found herself, and her image, worthy of the adjective. Her soul was finally put at rest when she realized that her daughter was and would be loved, by her, by Sirius, by the world.

Little Lavender Black’s eyes were the same shade of her dad's, but sometimes, whenever she ran around the lavender bush in the back garden, it almost seemed like another one, like the shade of the one buried in the sea.