Chapter Text
I don’t think I really sleep for the rest of the night. Not with the way that Silt has pressed his naked body against mine. Not with the way that I feel his penis press against my backside even if it is only flaccid. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around what just happened. What I let happen.
When Silt’s alarm goes off I am still wide awake, staring at the darkness in front of me.
“Goodmorning, Bright Eyes.” Silt mutters, placing a couple of kisses in my neck. “You need to get up and get ready to go to school.”
“I know.” I whisper, my tears close to the surface like they have been for hours.
“Hey, baby? What’s wrong?” Silt asks, perking up in his elbow which allows my body to roll flat on its back. “Why are you crying?”
“I am not.” I mutter, turning my head away from his gaze.
His hand stops me from moving though, grabbing my chin lightly and turning it towards him.
“But you are on the verge of tears.” Silt says, studying me intently. “Talk to me, Peeta.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to know what is going on. I am taking care of every part of you.” Silt replies. “Can’t have you on the verge of tears without reason.”
“It’s just -” I lie. “I haven’t slept well and I am not looking forward to school. It felt awkward to be there again yesterday. Everyone had these questions about why I was sick and my friend from town wanted to know where I had been.”
“What did you tell them?”
“That I was staying with one of Bran’s friends because of reasons they did not need to know.”
“Well, that can stay your answer then. It is a good and solid answer.” Silt mutters. “Now we should really get out of bed.”
“I know.” I mutter, expecting him to let me go and get up. But he doesn’t. He keeps holding me as I start to struggle a little to get away.
“Give me a kiss.”
“What?”
“Give me a kiss and I’ll let you go.”
I debate it for a second before I reach my hands up to grab his neck and press my lips against his. It is not like it is something new and it is easier to just get it over with than to let it linger.
Silt smiles brightly when he pulls back before his hands disappear and I am free to get up. When I do I become acutely aware that I am still naked. I quickly grab some clean clothes out of the closet before I hurry towards the bathroom. I want to lock the door behind me more than I ever wanted before, but Silt has no locks. I’ll just have to be quick.
That mindset immediately stops when I am faced with my reflection in the mirror. The same boy that I’ve known for years is looking back at me, but it still feels like I am a different person. The look in my eyes has changed. From this lively, always present kind to a numb and empty one. Like nothing matters anymore.
Quite frankly I am not even sure if I know what does matter right now. Everything seems minor to what Silt did and said last night. It feels like everything is too far out of my reach. No matter what it is. Especially my free choice seems to be held down by a big, thick, iron chain, leaving me with no choice but to follow what everyone tells me to do. Or what Silt tells me to do, mostly.
He has me right where he wants me to be and that scares me shitless.
I quickly turn away from the mirror, not wanting to look this strange empty boy in the eye any longer. After I get dressed I make us both some breakfast and when Silt leaves and asks me to kiss him, I do it. Nothing to fight left in me to tell him that I don’t want to.
As I make my way to the schoolyard, more and more in me tells me that I should turn around. That I can’t show my face in school or everyone will know. I must be able to put up a poker face that resembles the boy I was, especially if Silt is going to make it worse. As long as I haven’t developed that poker face, I can’t go. Or I might end up as the hopeless homeless boy that has nowhere to go because no one wants him.
Just before I reach the path towards the school, I stop. I can’t go. There is no way that I can hide this from anyone, let alone Madge. She will notice and she won’t stop asking until she knows the truth, which I can’t tell her. Not if I want to keep my place with Silt.
Before I even really think about it, I make a turn to walk up the path that leads to a more forested area between the seam and victor’s village. I walk all the way up to the fence before I sit down against a tree. There are a couple of houses nearby but I am hidden from sight by some bushes. If I don’t make a sound, no one will know I am there.
I breathe out deeply before I can no longer hold back the tears. I basically start sobbing, feeling lost and lonely and so stupid. Why did I get myself in this mess? Why did I let it go this far? Why didn’t I listen to all the signals my mind was giving me? All the little hints that I ignored because I trusted him.
Was this his plan all along? To get me dependent on him? To get me to willingly agree because all the other options had disappeared? Or am I just a victim of opportunity? A victim because I turned up on his doorstep lost and vulnerable?
It makes it even harder that I have absolutely no clue what to do. I wish I could tell someone. Go to the bakery’s back door and ask Bran to listen to me. But I can’t. If Bran finds out, my family will too. Not because Bran can’t keep a secret but because it would be impossible to explain.
Mom would never believe that I came back on my own. She would want an explanation as to why I stayed away and why I decided to return home right at that moment. And returning wouldn’t exactly keep me safe either. I might be safe from Silt’s wandering hands, but I won’t be from mom’s.
Telling someone else will even be worse. If I trust Madge with my secret I am 100 percent sure that it will get out. She would go on and do what is in her eyes best for me, even if that goes against my wishes. Which would probably mean that I would get a visit from the peacekeepers and the story would get out, as all things in Twelve.
Everyone will think I am gay. And everyone will despise me for it. There is a reason both Bran and Silt are keeping it a secret. There is a reason why most gay men in our district eventually marry a woman. If you ask some people, there aren’t any gay people in district Twelve. That fact is highly unlikely but some people aren’t worried about how true a statement is.
Bran once told me that it used to be different. That it is in fact different in other Districts and the Capitol. Before the dark days it was perfectly normal to be gay. People accepted it and there were even gay couples that would adopt or get children through some kind of medical treatment. But when the dark days happened, District Twelve was thrown back a lot more than just a few years. It was almost like we went back hundreds and hundreds of years. In both industries and social skills.
It must also have grown out of a necessity to survive. Gay couples don’t produce children and children are what we need a lot of in Twelve. Our population is so low that every child is very welcome, so people have a lot. Including the few spare ones that don’t survive harsh winters or periods of starvation.
And the chosen few that are lost to the games.
So being gay was technically working against that. Which made it harder for young girls and boys to be honest with their parents.
Which leads to boys like Silt. Boys that become frustrated and search for other means to feel better.
I huff in frustration when the tears don’t want to stop falling. I need to man up. I need to get a grip and figure out a way to deal with this. Telling someone isn’t an option so I will have to endure it. I will have to pretend that I am perfectly happy and that nothing is wrong, that nothing changed in the last couple of weeks and that nothing will change. I just have to be the perfect actor for both Silt and the outside world.
No one can know. It has to be my little secret. It is just a matter of developing the perfect poker face. The perfect mask to hide behind when it gets though. It is not like I haven’t been hiding some secrets for the past couple of years. Mom and dad both told me to keep mom’s ‘anger issues’ out of the loop and I’ve succeeded on that pretty well.
It is just a matter of becoming the boy I was again. Or pretending I am that boy because becoming him seems long gone. Maybe I should even be a more cheery version of myself. Someone who people truly believe is okay. Someone likable and kind who always smiles.
I just have to close a couple of doors in my head. Hide the memories and feelings and lock them away so no one can come close. I should be able to do that, if I try hard enough.
The rest of the day I go over the various options for me to get more numb and happier at the same time. By the time I can hear the schoolbell in the distance, I have come up with a plan that involves a whole lot of letting things happen and deal with the aftermath instead of fighting and dealing with that.
Silt doesn’t really come off as violent, but I am not going to risk it. If I end up with bruises again, I might not be able to hide anything. Madge will surely notice and we can’t have that. This secret has to remain even more secretive than the one I was keeping before.
It does help that when I arrive home, Silt isn’t there yet. He has switched back to his normal shifts now that I am going to school again, which gives me a few precious hours alone. I start cutting up the potatoes and when I get the water boiling to cook them, I sit down at the table with my sketch book.
Looking through the sketches I made, I see a lot of ‘happy’ ones involving Silt. They are all covered in light shading and there are smiles everywhere. That was before I knew what I know now. If I had to draw them now I would draw them like the ones I drew of mom. Dark and shaded, with an angry scowl and a raised hand.
I quickly flip to an empty page and start drawing. I am not even thinking about it really when I see the Silt of last night appear on the page. His naked shoulders, the evil glint in his smile. Somehow you could look at it and see a happy picture, or you can look at it and see an evil one. If only you know what to look for.
When the door opens I quickly close the sketchbook. Not wanting Silt to see what I have been working on, or see the evil that can be seen in the drawing if you look closely.
Silt has a bright smile on his face as he walks in.
“Hey, bright eyes.” He says. “Come here.”
I want to struggle and refuse but I just decided that afternoon that I wasn’t going to struggle out of self preservation. So instead of protesting and telling him I don’t want to, I get up and walk towards him.
His arms circle around my neck as he presses his lips to mine. It lasts for quite a while until he pulls back and strokes the curls away from my forehead.
“I like that.” He mutters, biting the corner of his lip. “How about you kiss me everytime I come home or leave the house, hmm? And every other time I ask, of course.”
“Yeah, fine.” I mutter, looking down at his neck instead of his eyes.
“Hey, don’t do that.” Silt replies, placing his fingers under my chin to lift my eyes on his face. “Don’t act like a groggy teenager.”
“But I am a groggy teenager.”
“Fair enough.” Silt replies, a hint of playfulness in his voice that sends shivers down my spine. “What are you cooking?”
“Just the potatoes.” I mutter. “I still need to do the rest.”
“Well, let’s get to it then.”
When we both move over to the kitchen counter, Silt starts asking about my day. I pretend that I went to school and that it was boring, too afraid to tell him that I spend a big part of the day crying against a tree and trying to come up with a miracle cure for all my problems.
I can feel the tension build inside me as the evening draws nearer. Going to bed scares the hell out of me because of the basic fear of what Silt might do. What will he ask me - No, tell me to do this time?
While we cuddle on the couch I can feel the tension become worse and worse and worse. I think Silt notices it too but has decided to not say anything about it. He doesn’t even say anything when he pushes against my back, gets up and reaches his hand out to me. I reluctantly take his hand as he leads me to the bedroom.
Silt is naked before I can even think about getting undressed and when he presses himself against my back I can clearly feel his erection.
“Let me help you with that.” He mutters, taking the hem of my sweater and dragging it upward along with my shirt, causing me to wrap my arms around myself. Silt either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care because he immediately moves to my jeans, opening the belt and the buckle before slipping them down my hips. His fingers also hook behind the waistband of my boxers which makes me close my eyes.
“Get on the bed, hot stuff.” Silt mutters in my ear before he pushes me forward onto the bed.
I do as I am told, turning around to lie down on my back.
“Spread your legs.” Silt mutters, which makes me instantly freeze and close them even tighter than I was.
“Wait.” I tell him, going against my own let-it-happen order. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“Can do what?”
“Uhm - that.” I mutter, not sure if I can tell him what I fear.
“What do you think we are going to do?” Silt says, chuckling softly as he crawls on the bed. His hands moving towards my thighs and pushing them away from each other.
“You know -”
“No, I don’t.” Silt replies, smiling evilly while one of his hands moves to stroke my penis. “What are you thinking about?”
I grunt in frustration as I try to get my mind to just say it. To just blurt it out so he will talk to me instead of do this.
“I am not ready for sex!” I shout. “Like actual, real sex. Going all the way. That.”
“Oh.” Silt mutters. “You thought we were going to do that so early on?”
“I don’t know!” I reply. “I don’t know what you want and when!”
“Oh baby, chill. I do want to do that but you can’t just start without the proper preparation.”
“Oh.” I mutter, not sure what else to reply. “So you won’t -”
“Fuck you? No baby boy. Not yet.” Silt replies as one of his fingers moves from my penis towards my asshole. “We are going to try something new though.”
“Something new?”
“Yeah.” Silt mutters as he gets up to reach inside his nightstand. He takes out a small bottle that looks like some kind of oil. He opens it and puts some of it on his fingers before he moves back to me, his fingers returning towards my ass.
“Now it is important that you relax as we try that. That way it won’t hurt as much or maybe not at all. It also helps when you press down like you need to poop.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I am going to open you up a bit. If we do that for a couple of days, you will be ready in no time.” He smiles. “Don’t worry, it won’t hurt if we go slow.”
That doesn’t do a damn thing to stop my wandering mind. I don’t want him in there. I never have and I never will. But that is not an option.
What if this is truly the best way to go? I mean, he doesn’t have to be gentle. He doesn’t have to wait. Maybe he knows what is best because he has done it before.
“Did you do this with Bran?” I ask, which makes Silt look up with a hint of surprise on his face.
“Why?”
“No reason.” I mutter. “Just interested if you’ve done this before.”
“I have, babe. No worries. Just not with Bran.”
I look up at him at that revelation.
“Why not?”
“Bran never let me. He was always too scared that it would hurt and he was going on about saving himself for marriage and that kind of stuff. So we never got farther than some jerking and sucking.”
So he had never done this with his boyfriend but he wants to do it with me? Somehow that feels wrong. It feels very wrong and very unfair. Because Bran had a choice. He told Silt he did not want to do it, and Silt didn’t. But I don’t have that choice. I just have to lay there and take it. I just have to tell him it is okay while I know that I don’t want to.
“You are more special though.” Silt tells me. “You are way more important to me than Bran.”
That does not make things any better. In fact it only makes them worse. Way worse. Bran was his boyfriend, they loved each other. They could be themselves with each other. I always thought they were soulmates.
And now Silt just blatantly tells me that his relationship with Bran was nothing. That I am more special than what they shared. That I am more special than the years and years of friendship.
“Now bare down, baby.” Silt mutters. “Bare down and relax.”
I try to comply. I try it. But the fear of what he is going to do is overwhelming. The fear of pain and discomfort and hurt and humiliation. In the end I think that it hurts my feelings more than it hurts my body. It hurts the real me.
The whole process of sliding in is uncomfortable and when his fingernail scratches the side it hurts. But it isn’t as bad as I might have thought it would be and it definitely does not compare to the aching feeling in my chest.
“God, you are amazing.” Silt mutters as he slides his finger all the way inside. “You are so perfect.”
I don’t feel perfect. I feel disgusting and dirty and gross. He might think I am perfect but I only think about how I want this to end while I know that it won’t.