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Chapter Text

"Honey," Ambrosius squeezed Ballister's shoulder. "Don't be nervous, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

Ballister took a deep breath and tried to shape his stubble with a shaky hand in the mirror. Ambrosius snatched the razor away from him and held his chin to do it himself. 

"No, you're right, it's not like I don't have any reason to be terrified of massive public gatherings or anything. All that happened last time was someone got murdered and absolutely everything got ruined and my whole life got turned upside down!" Ballister was practically hyperventilating. He had never been panicky, always shockingly cool, calm and collected, but the events that transpired after the ceremony rattled him to his core. He normally experienced feelings of anxiety and inadequacy when he was nervous, not terror.

Ambrosius kissed his cheek and put the razor down. "I know, Bal, it'll be okay. I'm gonna be right there. And I'm not gonna turn my back on you no matter what happens. I promise. Okay?"

Ballister's eyes brimmed with fear, and he whispered an echo of the question he asked the last time. "What if they still hate me?" 

Ambrosius knew better now than to answer how he did before. "If they still hate you, I will personally defend you until my last breath, and we will run away together and I will keep you safe. I promise." 

Ballister's lip trembled and he smiled weakly. 

The audience at the event somehow seemed even bigger than it had been at the Knighting, although there were assuredly less people. Screens were everywhere, and the Ascending King Magnus sat, cross legged on his throne, on a platform behind the stage. 

A few people gave testimonies about things they saw, including the Squire, Eric, Ambrosius, and everyone on his team that were attacked by the Director. They talked about the video, arresting Ballister, finding his sword in the director's study, the Director's plan to destroy half the Kingdom. The whole time, Ballister could feel tens of thousands of eyes on him. They weren't looking at the others. They were looking at him. 

Finally, the head of the Institute's Video Analysis Commission headed to the stand. "The footage you are about to see has been verified to be authentic and not doctored in any way by the Institute's finest videographers and analysts. The content may be disturbing to young viewers, but we at the Institute have determined it to be irrefutable proof of the guilt of the previous Director and subsequent innocence of Sir Ballister Boldheart and his accomplices. I invite him forward to give his testimony." She stepped down and nodded towards him. 

The audience seemed to hold their breath when Ballister walked out. They had gone from adoring him to despising him, and now they didn't know what to feel. 

"You can do this," whispered Ambrosius. "Just like you practiced. Nothing will happen this time." 

Ballister cleared his throat and approached the podium. He felt like he might vomit. His clammy face and huge, terrified eyes were broadcast on giant screens 300 feet wide. He took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and spoke.

"Greetings, citizens of the realm. I am humbled and honored by your presence here and your grace to allow me to tell my story. I understand the fear and hatred you may be feeling because of what happened at the Knighting Ceremony, and the confusion since the destruction of the wall one month ago. I do not expect to easily regain your trust, but I hope that this announcement may clear any lingering anxieties you may have about our kingdom, the Institute, myself, and Nimona."

There was a shocked mumble across the crowd, and Ballister looked around before continuing. "Nimona was the creature who charged through the city, and who destroyed the Director's cannon before it could fire on the South District, killing an estimated one hundred twenty thousand people. Today, I'd like to discuss her role in these events, and clarify some controversy surrounding the Director's leaked confession."

The screens lit up with the thumbnail of the viral video. 

"You may have heard that this video is a forgery. That the Director you see speaking here is not truly the director, but Nimona in her form. I believe, however, it is important for you to see the full, unedited video to understand exactly why this cannot be the case, hopefully to unequivocally clear the names of myself and Nimona, and to condemn the harm the Director did to our Queen and Kingdom." 

The video played from the beginning, and the audience watched the argument between the Director and Ambrosius with bated breath. There were screams and gasps when they watched her drive Ballister's sword through his gut, and the video continued to her confession that they had seen, then ended. 

Ballister returned to the podium. "You see, Nimona was a shape-shifter. But she could not have been taking the form of the Director in the confession you saw, because she was taking the form of Sir Ambrosius Goldenloin." Ballister gestured to Ambrosius, who stepped forward. 

"Ambrosius is a human being, and all of you know that no human being could so easily withstand, and be up and walking within weeks of being impaled with a knight-grade sword." 

Ambrosius pulled up the chainmail from his abs and turned around to show he was uninjured. 

"As you can see, he possesses no injuries or blemishes to indicate a past injury like what you saw the Director inflict. This is because he was never in the room. The Ambrosius you see on this video was Nimona, and while she was powerful, she could not be in two places at once. Therefore, the Director who admitted to the ruthless murder of Queen Valerin could be none other than the real Director herself. It saddens me to know that my mentor was capable of such hatred, and I know that many of you will, like myself, be unwilling to believe it. Even when I received video evidence that she had replaced my sword, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I understand if you do not believe me. I understand if you still are wary of me, but you all deserve to know the full truth. We did not release this video in its entirety from the outset because we were afraid that once people saw Ambrosius wasn't injured, it would expose Nimona's existence and put her in harm's way. In the end, she put herself in harm's way to save all of us, to save the people who rejected her–" Ballister bit back a waver in his voice. 

"Our whole lives we have been taught to fear monsters. To fear what lies outside the realm. But, as it turns out, there were never any monsters. There was just one very different girl who wanted to be accepted, and she wasn't even outside the walls that were built to keep her away. Nimona was not a monster. Nimona was–" his lip shook. "Nimona was a hero. I don't know why or how she had the abilities she did. All I know is in a thousand years, she existed among us doing nothing to hurt us, and one week ago she lost everything to save us."

Ballister stared across at the silent masses, hanging on his words. "I have worked my whole life because I wanted to keep this realm safe, to be a person who could be relied upon. I was honored beyond comprehension by Queen Valerin's decision to allow me that chance, and I am honored and humbled now to be given another chance to serve you. I would like to honor the late Queen, and our Realm's savior Nimona, by echoing the very least message that each of them were able to leave with us." He struggled to hold it together. He felt Ambrosius grab and squeeze his hand behind the podium, and he felt calm. " Anyone can be a hero." 

Ballister barely managed to compose himself as the Ascending King took the stand. His resonant voice carried across the whole realm. 

"My sister took a risk when she allowed a young Ballister Boldheart to become a Knight, but the risk was unfortunately not with Ballister, but the people who considered him to be a threat to such an extent that they themselves became a danger to our Kingdom. I hereby acquit Sir Ballister Boldheart and Gloreth's Monster, Nimona of all accused crimes. Ballister Boldheart, step forward." 

Ballister knew what was next. He was being re-knighted, and while he wanted to be excited, his guts were churning, expecting something terrible to happen. He took a shaky step forward, sweat visibly cascading down his clenched face and neck.

The King turned to face him. "Our Kingdom owes you a great apology and debt. It was you who stopped the rampage, saved Nimona and allowed her to save the South District. You served your kingdom well by uncovering the true assassin of the Queen, who otherwise would have continued to manipulate and endanger our people for decades to come from her position of power. Present your sword." 

Ballister's hands shook violently as he pulled his sword from its sheath and presented it. He'd checked it again and again and again, it was his. It had to be his. Ambrosius gave him a little smile and gestured for him to put his head up. He just blinked anxiously at him and returned his gaze forward. 

The King took his sword, and Ballister lowered onto one knee. 

What if he cuts off my head? Ballister tried to push away terrifying thoughts. The King lightly tapped his sword to each shoulder. 

"For your service to your Kingdom, I hereby restore your Knighthood, Sir Ballister Boldheart, Hero of the Realm. Stand, Sir Knight." 

Ballister stood up and took the sword back. This was when everything went wrong last time. The King's eyes were calm. Ballister bowed, and, hands shaking so badly he could barely aim it, sheathed his sword. His heart was palpitating, there were tears in his eyes. The crowd had been holding their breath, awaiting the same thing he did– for something to go wrong. 

Tentative claps broke out across the crowd and spread, slowly turning into cheers and an uproar. The King smiled at him. 

"Thank you–" Ballister choked, he could barely see as his vision blurred with tears. It was embarrassing, he knew that he was being filmed and projected everywhere, but he couldn't help the relief. He felt he may pass out, and he laughed, or maybe sobbed, or some combination thereof out of relief and jubilance. He felt Ambrosius pull him into a hug, in front of all these people. He couldn't control himself. 

The knights, at least whose who were still in decent enough shape to attend the ceremony, waved and took a few photographs for posterity before making their exit. Practically as soon as they were out of the public eye, Ballister crushed Ambrosius in his arms, trying to be silent as he sobbed into his neck. 

Ambrosius squeezed him and rubbed his back, grinning ear to ear. "I told you it'd be okay. You did an amazing job. You deserve this. You deserve every bit of this and more." 

Ballister sniffed, "I was glad I had you up there with me." 

Kamina approached and put a hand on his shoulder. "Congrats, Bal. I'm sorry we doubted you. You really were the best of us. Nobody should be a knight more than you." 

Ballister wiped his eyes. He missed his friends so much. "Thanks, Kam." 

"We're going out for drinks to celebrate, you have to come! You're one of us again! It'll just be you guys, me, Eric and Raine. 

Ambrosius snorted and wrapped his arms protectively around his waist. "I think we should go home. Today was a lot for him. I hope you don't expect him to just pretend like the past few weeks didn't happen. I certainly don't, but for some reason he still hangs out with me." He kissed Ballister's cheek. 

Ballister leaned his head against him. He'd usually tried to keep PDA to a minimum with Ambrosius in front of the other Knights, but not anymore. Ambrosius was the only thing that made him feel even adjacent to what a person could call "safe." He felt a need to be touched by him 24/7, it offered reassurance that at the very least, this person– his person, was there for him. 

"Today has been a lot, but I'm not opposed to going out for a couple drinks. It could be fun." 

"Whoo!" Kamina spun on her heels. "Hear that, guys? He said yes! Alright, we're drawing straws for a DD, Bal is off the list!" 

Ambrosius volunteered to be a designated driver, so that was decided. After they all returned home to change into clubwear, Ambrosius picked them up. 

Ballister was anxious to go to a crowded pub in the city. He didn't know what people thought of him. They went to a lower-profile place, and he was relieved that the few strangers to interact with him just congratulated him or asked for an autograph. Ambrosius didn't let go of the vice grip he had on Ballister's hand the whole time. 

After a couple shots, the stress of the day was starting to lift off of Ballister's shoulders. He found himself able to laugh with his friends again, and he found Ambrosius was becoming less anxious about his well-being seeing him in good spirits. 

Kamina laughed so hard she choked on her drink, "What do you mean you thought about posting on your fake stan account after the Knighting!? Why!? Weren't you like, dying!?" 

Ballister wheezed, "You know, I was, actually, but in some fever haze I remember thinking 'wouldn't this be so fucking funny' and I thought it would be a way to let Rose know I was alive, I didn't end up doing it because I knew you all would track me down with it, do you want to see the post?"

Ambrosius groaned and put his face in his hands. He never was a fan of Ballister's anonymous fake stan account, which gassed up literally everything he did to a comedic degree, and worked as a Ballister Anti account for no reason other than everyone found it funny. Ballister took his phone out and opened his drafts, practically giggling, and showed the others. 

Kamina read over the post, "'Get his ass, I hope he died–' is that the footage of him cutting your arm off!?" She shrieked, and Ballister hit the table laughing. The other Knights were laughing too. Even Ambrosius had a pained smile. "That's horrible, baby." 

Eric was almost crying, "Can you guys imagine!? Ambrosius, all upset and worried, and his phone dings and it's fucking THAT!?" 

The whole table roared with laughter, and Ambrosius hugged Ballister. "As happy as I would have been to learn you were alive, I'm glad you didn't post that. I don't think I could have handled any more psychological damage that week. Although your account would totally be canceled now, so that would be a plus." 

Raine shook his head, "Nah, if Twinstr User Gold_loin_love gets canceled, I'm done. He's too far in to quit."

Ballister chuckled. "Oh! I have to post something about tonight." Ambrosius groaned and the rest of the table cheered. 

"Okay, I think I've got it." He posted the footage of fake-Ambrosius being stabbed, then the real Ambrosius showing that he wasn't injured. He captioned it "it was so awful seeing my baby get stabbed like that (evn if it wasn't him) but it was worth it to see those abs 😍" He then posted an official image of him and Ambrosius hugging from the live event, with the caption "Ambrosius is so nice for forgiving that weird freak 🥰" 

Everyone at the table cackled when they got the notifications. Ambrosius pulled his head over to kiss it. "That weird freak is so nice for forgiving me. " Ballister smiled. 

Eric bought them all another round of shots. "So, what do you guys think of the reform?"

"I think it's great, we'll waste a lot less time training to fight monsters that don't exist. Combat should have always been a last-resort strategy if you ask me. I'm just not excited for the additional training." Kamina sighed.

Everyone continued chatting and drinking, and Bal found himself downing more and more. It didn't help that everyone bought him a shot at every opportunity. But the more he drank, the less terrified he felt. The less he felt like someone at that table would put a sword through him, or pin him down and tear his prosthetic arm off, or sever one of his limbs. The less he thought about how things would never be okay again because Nimona was dead. The less he thought about how severely his life had been altered, and how he didn't know where to move forward from here. He was just drunk, wearing a cute outfit, sitting with his friends and his boyfriend who also wore a cute outfit. 

He was seeing double as the night wore late. The lights in the bar were pretty, and he leaned on Ambrosius's good shoulder. He was all liquid, giggles and affection. He thought about how hot Ambrosius was, and how much he wanted to fuck him. He thought about how good he felt. 

Ambrosius yawned. "Okay guys, Bal is passing out. I don't even know how much he's had. Does having an amputated limb make you more susceptible to alcohol? I mean, you weigh less." He shrugged. "Either way, we're gonna head out. Raine, you want me to drop you off at your apartment?"

"Nah, no need to make two trips." He waved his hand. "I can crash at Eric and Kamina's."

Kamina finished her lager and grimaced. "Guess I'll have to keep my headphones on tonight," she grumbled. Eric and Raine blushed furiously while Bal and Ambrosius laughed at them. 

The five piled into Ambrosius's car, and Ballister fumbled with the front seatbelt. "Don't wanna go home, was having fun–" he blinked. "Guys! Wanna do drugs!? I know where we can get cocaine.." 

Kamina cackled, "I love this guy!" 

Ambrosius put a hand on his knee. "We are not getting cocaine, Bal. I'm gonna drop these three off, and we are going to go home, okay? I'm glad you had fun. You deserved a good day." 

Ballister smiled and stared at him when they drove. "You're so pretty." He heard giggling in the back seat. 

Ambrosius squeezed his thigh. "You're so pretty, Bal."

Ballister smiled and closed his eyes. "Why did you think I was going to kill you?" He didn't know why he asked it. It came into his mind, and he was in no position to regulate anything that came into his mind. He didn't feel upset, he stared at the lights out the window. He just wanted to ask.

The car jostled as Ambrosius jerked, taken aback by the question. The voices in the back got quieter. "Bal, are you feeling okay?"

"Mhm. Sorry, was that a weird thing to ask?"

Ambrosius shook his head. "No, it wasn't. Timing was a little weird but– didn't you think I was going to kill you?" 

"Mm-mm. That's why I came looking for you. To show you the video. Were you going to kill me? Is that why you thought I would?" 

"No, Bal. I was not going to kill you. I was going to arrest you, but I wasn't gonna let anyone kill you. Truth is, I didn't think you were going to kill me. Even then. I said that to hurt you, because I was angry. I'm sorry."

Ballister nodded. "That's good. It means you didn't really think that about me." He held Ambrosius's hand and smiled. "Everyone says mean things during a fight sometimes. But if you thought your long-term partner is gonna kill you, that's a lot of a bigger of a problem." 

Ambrosius gave him a sad smile. The voices in the back remained quiet, until Raine shared some fun fact he read about otters. 

Ambrosius pulled up to their apartment building, and Ballister got out to hug them. He was unsteady on his feet, but they said their goodbyes, and Ambrosius got out of the car to check on Ballister as the three went inside. 

"You okay?" 

Ballister stumbled into him and took his hands, trying to dance. "Mhm! Better than okay. Sorry if that question was weird, or not supposed to be asked in front of other people. I didn't think about it."

"Don't worry, baby. I'm glad you asked." Ambrosius's left arm was stiff where it connected to his shoulder, so Ballister tried to be careful. He held that hand in his, close to them, knowing it couldn't stretch much, and pressed their torsos together, resting his head on his broad, warm, uninjured right shoulder. Ambrosius placed his hand on Ballister's hip and swayed with him out in the street. He liked that he could see two of Ambrosius's face.

"I love dancing with you."

Ambrosius kissed his ear. "Me too. You okay? You had a lot to drink." 

Ballister blinked. "I wanna sit on your lap." 

"When we get home, baby." Ambrosius helped him into the car. "How about you lie down in the backseat?" 

Ballister obeyed without protest, curling up back there. He stared at the lights passing overhead through the windows, and the lights on his arm. He drank a lot, alone in that tower, at least once the bleeding stopped. It was the only way he could sleep. He hadn't had any alcohol since until tonight. "Being drunk is so fun."

Ambrosius chuckled nervously. "Yeah, but don't overdo it. I don't want to see you get sick. You never used to be a big drinker. I know it's just one night out, so it doesn't matter. Just don't let those guys pressure you to drink more than you can handle, okay?" 

Ballister snorted. "'M not a lightweight any more. Lots of liquor in the trash." 

"What?" 

"The tower," he casually flipped his mechanical wrist. "Got my tolerance up high. Hey, Rose, look! My wrist has two wrists! And they all have blinky lights. It's so pretty." 

Ambrosius was quiet. "Yeah, your arm sure is pretty, Bal. You drank a lot at the tower?"

"Pshh, only the normal amount. How much is that?" 

Ambrosius sighed. "Less than tonight."

"Oh. Then maybe a little more. I found a crate of garbage wine and really nasty Meade and I had a bottle or two a night, 'else I couldn't sleep. Only at night though, not like, it's not like a problem unless it's in the day. At day I built my cool new arm. Then drinky night." Ballister's memories were distant and numb. If he thought too much about them, he'd get so upset. He wished Ambrosius would change the subject. "Hey, don't worry, when we get home, I'm gonna sit on your lap. You're so handsome in that outfit."

He really was. His white track pants that left little to the imagination, and a blue tank top that showed off his beautiful shoulders and arms and collarbone– including all the bandages. But that just makes Ballister want to kiss him and make him feel good more. 

Ballister wore skinny jeans and a black leather vest with a mesh undershirt. He'd dressed for clubbing. He wanted Ambrosius to think he was cute. 

Ambrosius hummed. "Thanks, love." 

"Don't I look cute? I thought you liked this outfit." 

"You look adorable, it was difficult to keep my hands off you. I just wanna get you home safe and get some water into you first, okay?"

Ballister blinked and closed his eyes. When they arrived home, he didn't need assistance finding his way inside. He ran up the stairs, arms out like a plane, enjoying the night. As soon as they were both inside, he tried kissing Ambrosius, but was gently pushed aside. "One minute, I'm going to get you some water." 

Ballister pouted and Ambrosius, without looking, said "Don't pout about it, I'm coming back." 

"I am not pouting!" 

Ambrosius returned with a glass of water and led him to the couch. Ballister immediately got on his lap, straddling his waist. He felt very sexy, and had been wanting to do this all night, he wanted everyone to see he was his. But, he'd had enough restraint to not do that in public. 

Ambrosius rubbed his back. "Is this what you were wanting, babe?"

"Mhm!" 

Ambrosius smiled. "I like cuddling you, too. Hey, Bal?"

Ballister nuzzled him, pecking his neck. "Hmm?" 

"You worried me when you said you drank a lot at the warehouse." 

Ballister groaned. "Please, drop it. You know I don't have a problem! I haven't drank since then, I'm allowed to have fun and celebrate with my friends on an important day. And what was I supposed to do, back then? Not drink? I would have killed myself." 

Ambrosius's grip on him tightened and Ballister immediately realized what an awful thing that was to say. "I- I don't mean like that, I just–" he thought about Nimona. "I sure wouldn't've been able to live. It hurt too much. Everything hurt too much. I was sober in the day, and I stopped drinking once I got my arm finished. That should be enough for you. Stop judging me." 

Ambrosius rubbed his back. "I'm not judging you Bal, not at all. I'm just worried about you. I know you don't have a problem, if you did, you'd have been drinking this whole time. I guess I just feel bad that you were pushed to that. I hate to think of it. That's all. I'm really glad you had fun tonight." 

Ballister nuzzled him again and kissed his neck. "I love you, Rose. You're so hot." He felt a hand stroking his hair on the back of his neck. 

"You're pretty drunk, Bal. Maybe we should skip the sex. I'm happy to cuddle you for as long as you like." 

Ballister frowned. He felt loose and loopy and good. He wanted his lover's body pressed against him more than anything in the world. Why wasn't he saying yes? "We've had sex drunk before. With you drunk, with me drunk, with both of us drunk, loads and loads of times. You said you like drunk sex. You said you think I'm cute and relaxed. Why not now? You know I consent to drunk sex with you, always. Why not?" 

Ambrosius sighed, "Bal, we haven't since everything happened. You said yourself you don't trust me nearly as much as before. If you'd said something while you were sober, then sure, but I don't know if sober Bal trusts me enough to have sex with drunk Bal. I'm sorry, baby." 

"I put on this outfit when I was sober! You think someone dressed like this who doesn't want sex? I am wearing a mesh shirt!" 

Ambrosius laughed, "I guess that's true. And I do like having sex with you drunk, not in a creepy way. You're just so cute and relaxed and affectionate when you're drunk. I just don't know. After everything I did, after everything I said to you and all the ways I hurt you, it can't be okay for me to fuck you when you're this intoxicated."

Ballister scowled. Ambrosius hurt him. He got to decide how he felt about that. He got to decide what he wanted. "No, you don't get to do that– I'm the one who got hurt, you don't get to say no."

Ambrosius gave him a stern glare. "I do get to say no, Bal." 

"That's not–" Ballister realized how his words sounded and teared up. "Of course you can, that's not what I meant, I'd never–" he sniffed. "I'm sorry, that's not what I mean, I'd never say that– I just– If you don't wanna do something for your own sake then of course you can say no, but you don't get to decide what my boundaries are!" 

Ambrosius's gaze softened. "Okay, hey, don't cry. It's okay. I'm not angry with you. Thank you for explaining what you meant. I figured you wouldn't say something like that. I think I get it, I hurt you, I damaged your ability to trust me, and now it feels like I'm taking away your agency to process that trauma in your own way. Am I in the ballpark?"

Ballister tried not to let waterworks overflow on him. He already cried a lot today. He felt good, he was feeling good, he had to focus on feeling good. But he was starting to ache inside, badly. He wanted to forget all his relationship issues for tonight. He didn't want to remember. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I just want to have sex." 

Ambrosius hugged him. "Okay, let me rephrase something. I don't feel comfortable having sex with you this drunk without knowing if you're really okay with it. I can assume that you wanted it when you were sober, that's not the issue. It looks like you're trying to band-aid some really horrible feelings by having drunk sex to distract you. I want to have a conversation about it when you are sober. Then, after that, I promise I will get drunk with you, we will go dancing somewhere with just us, and I will give you all the drunk sex you want. Deal?" 

Ballister sobbed, burying his face in Ambrosius's neck. He felt like a petulant child being told no, but it was the only thing keeping him from being a drunk, weepy mess. Remembering all the nights, sprawled on the floor, with only alcohol to dull the tremendous pain that ripped through his arm into his torso and neck, and that ripped through his heart. Laying on the floor, secretly hoping, hoping he drank enough that he'd start bleeding again and he wouldn't wake up. "I just– wanted– to not– have to think about it tonight!" 

Ambrosius hugged him tightly and rocked him back and forth. "Oh Bal, you're in so much pain. I got you. Here, you want a distraction? I won't have sex with you, but I'll cuddle as long as you want. I'll make us something to eat. I'll put on a movie. Whatever you want. Today is your day, and I am so so so proud of you and happy for you."

Ballister sniffled and tried to wipe his eyes, which did about as much as a windshield wiper in a car wash. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be manipulative." 

Ambrosius chuckled, "I know, baby. You're upset. You're allowed to be upset. Because I don't think you're upset about not having sex, I think you're upset about the things you aren't able to distract yourself from because you're not having sex. Do you want to talk about it, or do you want me to try to distract you some other way for now, and talk about it in the morning?"

"Morning." Ballister mumbled. Ambrosius kissed his forehead. "Okay. Why don't we get into sleep clothes and order a pizza?" 

Ballister nodded. "Thanks. Sorry I'm a mess." 

Ambrosius patted his ass to indicate they were getting up, and gave him a kiss. "You're my mess. And I love you. Today was going to be a lot, I knew that. Don't apologize. And, for the record, you are very hot in that outfit, I want you to wear it again next time so I can rip it off you and fuck your mushy, drunk brains out. Everyone could see how hot you were and they could also see that all that belonged to me. So don't think it was wasted." He kissed him again. "I'll just be more excited for next time, 'kay? Go get dressed in something comfortable." 

Ballister blushed a deep red and shuffled to go change clothes. While he really had been feeling himself, he did find that taking off tight, pinchy clothing made him feel less like he did in that tower where he was sleeping in armor. He put Ambrosius's pajama shirt on, and black boxer shorts. Ambrosius talked on the phone ordering the pizza and got dressed. Ballister noticed he got the veggie one. 

"No olives," he reminded him, and Ambrosius snorted. 

"Right, and can I get no olives on that? Thanks so much." He hung up and kissed his cheek. "Even drunk you're better at remembering these things than me. I would have just pulled them off." 

Ballister hugged him. "No, I don't want you to have an allergic reaction. I love you."

Ambrosius led him to the couch and cuddled him. "I love you too. You seem like you're feeling better." 

"Yeah, I think I was just reminded of what being really drunk felt like, and it was reminding me of last time I was really drunk, and thinking about that was really painful so I wanted to just keep having fun." He nestled into Ambrosius's chest. 

Ambrosius put on Mario kart, and stroked Ballister's hair. "I understand. Let's keep having fun, yeah?" 

They spooned and played video games until the pizza arrived. It was nice having Ambrosius's arms around him, lips tickling his ear and neck while they laughed together. Then they ate pizza, and Ballister could feel himself sobering up. The bad memories were chased away from the feeling of being warm and loved and safe. Eventually, he felt himself drifting off. Ambrosius carefully unclicked his prosthetic and helped guide him to bed. The moment Ballister's head hit the pillow, he was out.

Chapter Text

Ballister woke up without too much of a hangover. Ambrosius forced enough water into him, and he was good at drinking without getting hungover now. He was up late, though. Ambrosius was actually awake beside him, on his phone, not clocked out unconscious wrapped around Ballister like a sloth. 

He shifted to face his lovely boyfriend and rubbed his eyes. Ambrosius smiled at him. "Did you have fun last night?"

Ballister blinked. He seemed to recall a few things. Being at the bar, laughing, being horny, trying to fuck Ambrosius, crying a lot for some reason, then he remembered playing video games, eating pizza, cuddling and dancing in their apartment. "I think I did. Did I cry?"

Ambrosius tucked a hair behind his ear. "Yes." 

He made a face. "Ew. Why?" 

"I was hoping you might tell me." 

Ballister looked up at him. Was he in trouble? Did he say something incriminating!? What would he have said?

"You were talking about how you used to drink at the tower and being reminded of it seemed to make you extremely upset. I wanna talk about it." He kissed Ballister's cheek. "Also, I promised to take you clubbing next weekend because you were really mad that you didn't get to have drunk sex." 

Ballister fell pale. "Mad? I was mad that you didn't have sex with me!? Oh no, what did I say!? I'd never want you to–" 

"Shush." Ambrosius kissed him. "You weren't mad like that. You were upset because something nasty was bubbling up inside you, and you had been looking forward to it. You didn't try to make me. You got angry because I was being a bit of a pompous dick about it, which was fair. Once I explained better, you were respectful. But, you were really really upset. I haven't seen you so distraught in a long time. That's why I wanted to talk. I know that wasn't coming from just blue balls." 

Ballister felt shame creep up his neck. Apparently he'd made a complete fool of himself, made an utter scene, revolving in large part about not getting sex. "I'm sorry, what did I say?"

Ambrosius shrugged. "You said you just didn't want to think about 'it' for the night, and you started crying. I felt awful, I could tell how badly you were hurt. But we haven't talked about a lot, and I didn't know you drank in the tower. Can you tell me what went down?"

He sighed through his nose. Of course alcohol had to dredge this up. He never let himself think about it normally.

"I didn't have any access to painkillers and I had a freshly sliced and cauterized limb. I was in a massive amount of pain. The kind of pain that makes you delirious. I wasn't sleeping because of it, which didn't help. So while I was out looking for mechanical parts, I found a crate of wine and some nasty Meade. It helped the pain, at least a bit. Frankly the pain was manageable after a few days. But whenever I thought about what happened-" he paused, he felt sick. "I went to the most horrible place. So I didn't think about it. During the day I worked on my arm all day, all the time, or plans to prove my innocence. But at night, I had nothing to focus on but the pain in my body and the horror of my situation. I drank until my body couldn't stay conscious. It was the only way I could escape. Then I'd wake up the next morning and get back to work. That's what my life looked like. I guess heavy drinking brought it back."

Ambrosius frowned and kissed his forehead, then his shoulder and his limb stump. "What were the thoughts? The ones you were hiding from?"

Ballister stared at him and felt himself shrinking. He couldn't bear to think about it, even long enough to retrieve the information to tell Ambrosius. Not even to mention how guilty poor Ambrosius would feel if he was honest. 

"I'd rather not say. If I have to tell you then I have to think about it. I don't want to go back there." 

Ambrosius caressed his cheek. "I know. But you don't have to go back there alone." 

Ballister teared up. "I'd never want to take you or anyone else back there with me." 

Warm arms embraced him. His love's voice was soft in his ear. "Don't protect me. We're partners. Where you go, I go. From now on, okay? I don't want to push you to talk about things you're not ready to talk about. But you seemed fit to burst last night. If it's out here, we can share the burden. Maybe then, it won't weigh so heavy on your mind, and we can have drunk sex whenever you like without having to worry about any of that nastiness bubbling up." He smiled and kissed Ballister's cheek. 

Ballister's mind swam. Fuck it. If Ambrosius wanted to know, he'd know. "Promise you won't leave me if I tell you?" 

"Pinky swear, my love. I could never." He linked his pinky with Ballister's and kissed his knuckle. 

"Even if I make you feel guilty? You promise you won't let that guilt take over? You promise you'll remember that I still love you and I forgive you and that I don't want repentance, I just want you here with me?" 

"I promise, Bal. I already feel guilty. But I'm working my way through it so I can be present with you, and stop doing things like assigning you boundaries and overriding your autonomy in our relationship. Thing is, I can't do that until I know exactly what I feel guilty for." 

Ballister nodded. "I felt horrible." He croaked. "Aside from the pain. Whenever I stopped working on my arm, or planning, or anything, I thought about so many things all at once. I thought about the Queen, how–" he swallowed. "How even if I didn't do it, the last thing she ever thought was that I'd betrayed her– and she meant so much to me–" he bit back tears and Ambrosius held him protectively. 

"I thought about you, and us. I thought about how I might never ever get to feel you touch me again, hold me again. I'd never hear you laugh. I wondered what you thought, if you believed I killed the Queen. I hoped you knew me better, but I didn't know. I worried about if you were okay. I mostly just thought about how much I missed you. How much I wanted you there. I'd see your face sometimes in the light that came through the windows. I'd cry like a little bitch for hours until the alcohol put me down, I just, I wanted you there so badly." He sniffed, and Ambrosius kissed his forehead again, cupping his face in one warm hand and wiping tears from beneath his eyes. 

"You wanted me there? Even after I hurt you?" Ambrosius looked pained. 

"Of course I did. I was so hurt, and scared." His voice wavered. "I didn't wanna die alone." 

Ambrosius squeezed his eyes shut, kissed him and nodded for him to continue. 

Ballister twined their fingers. "Anyway. I thought about all the kids who I inspired who felt betrayed. I thought about–" he laughed coldly. "About how disappointed the Director must have been in me. All of that, all at the same time. It was so overwhelming. And when I wasn't working, I just lost hope. I'd be lying if–" he paused. "Sometimes I thought about reopening the wound. Getting really drunk, so drunk my blood would be thin as water, and just scraping off the burn, untying the tourniquet, and going to sleep." 

Ambrosius's chest trembled as if he nearly sobbed. Ballister hugged him with his only arm. "I never did it. I thought about it though, every night. And every night I'd say, 'I survived this long somehow. If I am supposed to be dead, it will happen easily in my sleep, from infection, blood loss, even alcohol poisoning. If I'm not, it means I have to give another day to proving my innocence. To finding Ambrosius.' You were the only thing that stopped me from giving up. I had to prove to you that I was innocent. I couldn't let you live your whole life not knowing. I'm sorry. That's a lot to put on someone. But you wanted to know." He squeezed tears from his eyes and looked at Ambrosius's face. 

His partner's cheeks were red and tears cascaded over his nose and temple. Ambrosius hardly ever cried. It took a lot. Ballister had seen him in tremendous pain without crying. Ballister immediately kissed his nose and tried to fight through his own tears. "But it's okay, now. It was– every morning I would wake up and be fine. All those thoughts just went away, and I got back to work, and sometimes I felt almost– almost happy! I'd think about how I was going to do it, I was going to prove my innocence, and everything would be okay and I did and it is, and please don't feel bad–" he kissed him. 

Ambrosius clung to Ballister like his life depended on it and rolled on top of him, so careful not to put pressure on his still-healing torso. They laid together, teary faces pressed together for a moment. Ambrosius kissed his lips, his cheeks, the corner of his mustache, his eyelids, and Ballister shuddered and cried beneath him. 

Ambrosius cupped his face. "Can I make love to you? Please?" His voice was strangled.

Ballister looked up at him with surprise. "Wh-what? I thought– last night–"

"Last night I didn't know how close I was to never getting to feel your beautiful body against mine ever again. Never getting to make you feel warm and loved and pleasured and happy again. I am the opposite of horny right now, but I need to feel you, to make love to you. To feel your body. I won't ever tell you no. I won't ever deny you this. Deny myself this. I don't give a shit if I don't deserve it, I need to cherish you. I knew I almost lost you, but-"

"Hey." Ballister caressed his cheek. "I don't want you to never tell me no. That's not what this means. But it does mean we can take each other less for granted. We can make love, if you want. I think I'd love to feel you inside me. As long as you don't mind me crying the entire time." He tried to chuckle, but the tears kept coming. 

Ambrosius kissed them away from beneath his eyes. Tears were still pouring out of his own eyes as well. On the rare occasion that he cried, it usually didn't stop for a while. "Don't worry. I'm not trying to have hot sex right now. Just.. just intimate. Just a connection between us. That's all I want. You know I'll be crying the whole time too." He went to unbutton Ballister's shirt and paused. "Do you want your arm?" 

Ballister had to actually think about that, but after a moment, he nodded. He considered that maybe it would be more intimate without the artificial limb, but it's a part of him now. A part of his body. If Ambrosius wanted to make love to his body, his arm should be attached. 

Ambrosius got it down for him and slowly removed his pajama shirt, and with all the gentleness and precision in the world, clicked the arm into the port implant and took his hand to kiss his metal knuckles. "I love you, Ballister."

"I love you too, Ambrosius. Is your shoulder okay?"

"I'll need to favor putting my weight on the right, but it's not too bad." He lowered himself down and kissed Ballister's neck. His fingers threaded through Ballister's hair and he could feel Ambrosius's teeth on his skin, pulling, sucking, leaving gentle hickeys all over his neck. Ballister gasped softly. His neck was sensitive. He ran his fingers through Ambrosius's hair. 

Ambrosius pulled off his third hickey and kissed his ear. "Is it okay if I give you so many hickeys? I don't wanna condemn you to turtlenecks for the next couple weeks, no matter how cute you are in them. I just love marking you up like that. I love that you're mine."

Ballister's stomach fluttered. "Yes, please continue." Perhaps his most massive kink was possessiveness. He wasn't into taking it very far, he knew they were separate people with autonomy and independence, but he had never belonged anywhere or to anyone. Belonging to Ambrosius made him feel valuable and special. 

Ambrosius continued nibbling on his neck and collarbones, then climbed down between his legs. Ballister was partially hard. His emotions were confusing his dick. 

Ambrosius pulled his boxers off, and Ballister spread his legs on instinct for Ambrosius. He shivered. "I'm all yours." 

Ambrosius kissed his knee and down his inner thigh, leaving hickeys as he went. Ballister moaned softly when he reached his groin, traced down his cock, and put some lube on his fingers. He held Ballister's other thigh, kissing and biting and sucking while he gently massaged circles around his perineum with a lubricated fingertip– the sensitive skin behind which both his prostate and the root of his cock could be stimulated. 

Ballister moaned and tipped his head back. Tears were still in his eyes. He felt so emotionally raw, and rubbing his prostate made him feel so vulnerable. He guessed that was the point. "I love you, Rose. I love you." He reached to hold Ambrosius's hand in his metal one, and Ambrosius squeezed it and kissed the wrist, never stopping the sweet caress on his taint. "I love you too, Bal. So, so, so much. Do you feel good? Does your perfect, beautiful body like how it's being touched?" 

Ballister blushed and smiled up at him. "Yes. Very much. You're perfect and beautiful, Rose. You're like the sun. I love when you're inside me, I love being inside you. I love your kisses and the way you hold my hand. I love being yours." Ambrosius kissed his thigh again and re-lubed his fingers, sliding one inside. Ballister gasped and opened himself up, consciously relaxing his walls. Tremendous pleasure coursed through him when Ambrosius gently massaged over his prostate, stroking the sensitive internal gland, and another wet finger slid in to scissor and stretch him. 

Ballister really just wanted to skip to the part where Ambrosius was thrusting into him, he knew his partner was nothing if not patient. Plus, it was nice, feeling cared for. It seemed to be just as important for Ambrosius as it was for Bal to get him ready, to go through every motion to ensure care and comfort and an absence of pain. Ballister thought if Ambrosius caused any pain on his entrance, when his brain already felt like it was teetering on the edge, he might fall apart. 

Ballister was a moaning, sniffling mess by the time Ambrosius determined he was prepped enough. He was as relaxed as he could possibly be. Ambrosius had stretched him and teased his prostate and paid some attention to his cock so his pleasure would help him loosen up. 

Finally, he applied a generous amount of lube to his cock and laid down on top of Ballister, cupping his cheek and holding their faces together. After he gently guided his head to the entrance, both his hands were on Ballister's face– they felt so soft and warm, the way they held him steady, forcing him to look into the eyes of the love of his life. Ballister felt Ambrosius thrust in and he gasped. Ambrosius blinked tears out of his eyes and brought his hips back, carefully thrusting in again, and developing a steady rhythm rocking into him. "You feel so good, Bal. Fuck, I love you more than anything. I love you so much. I'm never letting you go again. I am going to spend every day making up for how I hurt you, whether you want me to or not. Not out of guilt, out of adoration. You will never sleep alone, you will never be afraid, as long as I'm able to do something about it." 

Ballister felt the pressure building inside him as his prostate was brushed repeatedly. Ambrosius felt so perfect. He stretched him just enough to feel full, deep penetration that heated him from inside and fueled his arousal, but not enough hurt or tug at his entrance. He thrusted just fast enough to not feel like an agonizing tease, but not so fast he became overwhelmed in his current mental state. Ballister's cock throbbed between them, and Ambrosius used one hand to stroke him, brushing his thumb over his swollen glans with each pump. 

Ballister groaned and arched himself back more, spreading his shaky thighs. The pressure that built in his core matched the pressure building in his throat. It was all just so much. "I love you, Rose. You feel so good. I feel so good." 

Ambrosius continued to fuck him until, with a low groan, clutching Ballister's face against his own, he came inside him. By this point Ballister was a twitching, weeping mess underneath him, and Ambrosius still had tears in his eyes. Once he had ridden through his aftershocks, he withdrew and slid two fingers inside Bal's ass, fingering his prostate internally while his thumb stroked gently against the outside, beneath his taint. His free hand continued to stroke his cock. 

Ballister felt overwhelmed with sensation, like he would black out. "Ambrosius— Ambrosius–!" He kept moaning softly, desperately. Ambrosius smiled warmly down at him, continuing to make him feel so good until he came hard, crying out with pleasure. 

Once his aftershocks subsided, Ambrosius cuddled him tightly, kissing his temple. "Thank you for letting me do that." 

Ballister sniffed. "Thank you for doing it. I feel so good. Fuck. Why am I such a mess?" 

"Because you went through something worse than most people could ever imagine. I wish I could take all that pain away from you. I wish I could get you your friend back, I wish I could go back in time– stop the whole thing from happening. Or at the very least, make them happen differently. Run away with you, fake my death or something, so I could help you. Make it so that you have no reason to associate me with fear for your life. I would do anything."

Ballister hummed and kissed him again. "You're here now. That's what matters. That's what I need." 

Ambrosius nodded and wrapped him up in a full-body hug. He liked feeling his lover's face in the crook of his neck. "You wanna get cleaned up? A nice shower? I'd like to take care of you."

Ballister nodded and blinked slowly. "I just need a few minutes. I missed this so much." 

Ambrosius kissed his forehead. "Me too, baby. I love your body against mine. I'm so, so, so incredibly fucking lucky to have you like this. I'm never letting you go. Your ass always feels so good. I love how your body looks when you finish. Your eyes are so pretty. You're just beautiful, Bal." 

Ballister's ears turned red and he hid his face against Ambrosius's chest. "Shut up. You're beautiful." Ambrosius ruffled his hair and held him close, a firm hand on the back of his head and lower back. Bal allowed himself to rest in the warm embrace, smelling Ambrosius's lavender soap. He felt truly safe with Ambrosius now, for maybe the first time in a while. Ambrosius squeezed him tightly before pulling away. 

"We did this too impulsively. We didn't grab a towel. I'm gonna get one and get us wiped off. Especially you, cutie." As he tried to stand, Ballister did not relinquish his grip. "Noo.." 

Ambrosius touched their noses. "No?" 

"I want to cuddle longer." Ballister gripped him tightly. He was stronger than Ambrosius. He'd win. 

Ambrosius chuckled. "Baby, we can cuddle some more. I'm just gonna wipe you off a little. So you're not sticky." 

Ballister pouted. "Don't care if I'm sticky. Don't leave." 

Ambrosius kissed him again. "What if we leave together? Go get a shower? Or a bath together? We can cuddle as much as we like in there and still also get clean. 

Ballister nodded and got up onto shaky legs. He cringed at the familiar oozing feeling of standing up after sex. "I always love when you cum in my ass, and I always have to suffer the consequences of my degeneracy afterwards." 

Ambrosius laughed and hugged him. "Sorry, baby. That's why we're getting cleaned up. I can use a condom, if you prefer." 

Ballister walked into the bathroom, clutching his arm. "I do not prefer. Maybe if we're having a quicky and I have places to be. But it's worth getting to feel more close to you." 

Ambrosius turned on the shower and helped Bal in once he disconnected his arm. The water was warm, it soothed his tired body. What a good way to start his morning. 

The two cleaned themselves up, Ambrosius helping Ballister to rinse himself out, letting him lean against him for stability. Once they were reasonably clean, Ambrosius switched from the shower to the bath, and the couple were able to lay down in the hot water. 

Ballister dozed on top of Ambrosius. He did feel lighter after telling him all that, and he did feel liberated to have finally had sex with his boyfriend for the first time after the most insurmountable trial of their relationship. Ambrosius traced all the little scars on his back. "Bal, can I groom you for a bit?" 

Ballister knew that Ambrosius liked doing that a lot for aftercare. Surprisingly he didn't like having it done to himself, but Bal knew that was because Ambrosius had very high standards for keeping his body groomed, and Bal's were pretty low. Pampering Bal like a spa worker was like a form of body worship for Ambrosius, and it did have the intended effect of making Bal feel important, even if he always struggled to accept that kind of affection. "Sure, but I'm half asleep. Might not be awake." 

"You don't have to be awake, just sit up and lean on me instead." 

Ballister obeyed and, with his eyes closed, felt Ambrosius take his left hand and gently start cleaning his nails. They were bit down very low, so there was nothing to clip, but he filed the rough edges and fiddled with each of them meticulously with a bunch of stuff Bal didn't know the purpose for– oils, tweezers, and more. It didn't hurt, and his nails did look much nicer when he finished. 

Ambrosius kissed his head. "I'll wash your face later. I wish I could wash your hair, but I just did last night. I don't want to dry it out." 

Ballister snorted. "You're always washing my hair. I don't think I've washed my own hair once since I moved back in." 

"I love washing your hair. That's my job now. You only have one arm, one, and two, I'm better at it than you." Ambrosius smirked at him and Bal playfully flicked water at him. 

Ambrosius gently soaked a washcloth and sudsed it up, and allowed Bal to lay against him once more while he rubbed gentle circles all over his body. Ballister's eyes fluttered shut. Ambrosius was so gentle with his naked body. 

Once he was finished being wiped down, arms wrapped around his waist and squeezed gently. "And, Bal?"

"Hm?" He looked up at Ambrosius through his eyelashes. 

"Thank you for telling me. I know it was hard. It was hard to hear, too, don't get me wrong. I hate to think of you wanting to d—" he shook his head and blinked away tears. "But I'm glad you told me. You have shouldered so fucking much, you do not need to shoulder this alone. I promised I would be here and I will. I promised I would do anything to help pick up the pieces of what I broke and I will. There are a lot of horrible memories to work through, but we're gonna work through them together. I love you, Bal, and you are not alone." 

Ballister felt the lump rising back up his throat and he nestled into that warm embrace. He'd meant it when he said Ambrosius was like the sun– the sun in its warmth, in its glory, in its danger and safety and everything else. His tan skin radiated heat as though he was literally the star that his fame made him out to be. But this had nothing to do with stardom. This warmth was Ballister's alone. 

"I love you too, Ambrosius." He croaked and wiped his eyes. "Maybe– I think we're going to be okay."

"Yeah?" The gentle voice whispered into his ear, while steady fingers caressed his hairline. 

"Yeah." 

And for the first time in a long time, Ballister meant it.