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Chapter Text

Always Lou

Harry's POV

I watched as the clocked ticked by each minute, ever so slowly, reminding me of the irrational hope I had that he'd show. This wasn't something new; the waiting up for him hours into the night, the ache in my chest from the emptiness of his warm body no longer next to mine. The way he'd curl up beside me, wrapping me in his tight embrace. How he made me feel so safe and secure in his small arms.

The sad reality was, he wouldn't show. Not tonight. Not while he was out at the club with a group of girls. It hurt to see him act that way around them, it wasn't who he truly was. He was too afraid to admit it though; to himself, to others, to the world and critical eyes surrounding us. I didn't blame him. People could be cruel. That didn't change the fact that I was left here patiently waiting on the sidelines for the moment everything would change. The moment where I could hold him in my arms and know that he was mine, with no fears of him running off to be with someone else.

As much as it pained me to see him in photographs with other women, partying and drinking the nights away, I knew it was his decision and I supported him. All I wanted was for him to be happy, whether or not that was with me. I'd give up everything just to see him smile and not have a worry left in the world; nothing to plague his beautiful heart. His happiness was everything to me, which is why I stayed quiet. I knew he'd be with me fully when he was ready.

Though the world was blind to what occurred behind closed doors, I had the memories to remind me that everything would be okay, and that all of this torment was worth it. Every stolen kiss and gentle caress. The meaningful glances that were held just a moment too long, though just enough for me to have that reassurance that he was still mine.

I had loved this man since I was sixteen, back when everything was so much simpler. Back when we didn't need to watch our every move, separated by too many eyes seeing through our facade. Back when we both shared the same hopes and dreams for our lives. He was like that missing piece; when I found him everything began to fall into place and seem to finally begin.

My life began with Louis and I could only hope it would end the same.

I jumped up from the bed when I heard the key card unlock the door. I padded barefoot into the small living room of the hotel, immediately smelling the scent of cigarettes and his faded cologne. I wanted to be happy that he was here, but with one look at the man in front of me I knew he wasn't himself; lost somewhere in the alcohol that pumped through his blood.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, taking a step forward to see him more clearly. The moonlight from the large glass windows illuminating his face.

"What? You don't want me either?" He asked, his voice raspy from the alcohol.

"I always want you. I just thought you'd be out with your friends." I said, trying not to envision the paparazzi photos of him wrapped in some girls arms that I'd have to see tomorrow.

"They didn't want me" he said, walking forward, drink in hand. I watched as he put the bottle to his lips, wincing at the burn of the alcohol.

"What do you mean they didn't want you?"

"They know, Harry. Everyone fucking knows, they've always known. We were just too stupid to think we could hide it." He said, the defeat and frustration in his voice evident. I knew exactly what he was talking about. My heart sunk at his words knowing the pain they'd cause him.

"How could they know? We've been careful, Louis. I mean we've slipped up a few times, but it wasn't anything too obvious." I explained, trying to reassure him. I stepped forward, turning his head so he was looking at me.

"How could they not know? With one look at you I turn to a goddamn sap. You have this power over me, Harry, and I'm drawn to you; I don't even realize it's happening." His voice softened, looking at me with so much love and worry in his blue eyes.

"Why should it matter what they think, Lou? I love you. I love you more than I ever have anyone else. Isn't that enough?"

"Of course it's enough. It's more than I could ever ask for. I'm just so afraid." He confessed. I wished I could take all that fear away and in its place give him all the love I feel for him.

"I won't let anything hurt you. We deserve to be happy. We've been hidden for so long and it's taking its toll on us. I can feel it and I know you can too. We aren't the same as we were those years ago. I'm afraid of what this constant separation and caution is going to do to us. There's only so much more we'll be able to take before we break. I don't want to lose you, Louis. We've come too far to have it end like this."

"I don't want it to end, Harry." Louis said, coming in so his small body was pressed against mine, head resting on my shoulder. I leaned down, resting my face in his soft hair, arms wrapped around him tightly. I never wanted to let go, though I always had that fear that one day I'd have to. The thing is, is that I would. If letting go was what he truly wanted, then I'd do it. I never wanted Louis to feel trapped with me. Even when he was with Eleanor I made sure not to interfere with their relationship, as much as it hurt to see him with her. That was supposed to be me; we were the ones who were supposed to be going out, being able to hold hands and kiss in public. But that would be too good to be true. So instead I held my tongue and tried not to scream as my best friend and love of my life was being pulled away.

"It doesn't have to end. I'll be here as long as you want me. I'm not going until the day you tell me leave."

"That day will never come. I just need some more time. I know it's not fair of me to ask that of you, but everything will come out soon..I just need a little while longer to go figure things out." Louis said looking up at me, pleading. My heart ached for him, for us, for the obstacles we've continuously had to overcome. It was this never ending cycle, but it was one I'd gladly go through for him. He was worth it all.

"Of course. Take as much time as you need." I assured, kissing the top of his head.

He smiled up at me, making me return the gesture.

"I love you, Harry."

"Always, Lou." I said before bringing his mouth to mine, continuing in the tragic secret world of our love's existence.

Chapter Text

Louis' POV

"I can't do this anymore, Louis! Just go." Harry yelled, defeat evident in his voice. I tried to bite my tongue, afraid the tears may spill over. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to run across the room and have him hold me in his warm embrace, reassuring me that everything was going to be alright.

I didn't move; neither of us did. I felt as though the feet between us were miles, the distance growing with each angry word spoken. The tension in the room felt thick enough to cut with a knife, no signs of easing up. Maybe I should leave. What good was I doing here? I could see how hurt he was; his green eyes were never that hard to read, despite his protest otherwise. Harry was like an open book, one that I eagerly read everyday just to get a glimpse at what his beautiful mind was thinking. I'd kill to know what thoughts plagued him now.

"If that's what you want." I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I turned around and grabbed my car keys before he could say another word. I could feel his eyes blazing on the back of my neck, but I knew if I turned around I'd never be able to leave him standing there.

I slammed the door and ran down the steps of the apartment, quickly getting in my car and pulling out of the lot. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I knew that it didn't matter. Harry and I were hanging by a very fine piece of thread, and my heart ached at the thought of it breaking. He meant more to me than I could ever even express, though I often had a funny way of showing it.

I hit my hand against the steering wheel, frustrated by what our relationship was coming too. Lately we had spent more time fighting and disagreeing with one another than not. Each hurtful word cutting deeper and deeper with every passing night. I wasn't sure how we got here, and I didn't know if we would ever be able to turn back. With every step forward, it felt as though we'd only end up two steps back. Harry deserved better than that; someone who could make him happy and feel loved. I could see that once burning fire within him slowly fade like dying embers.

I couldn't believe we had come to this; five years of acceptance and passion all boiling down to nothing.

It wasn't nothing, though. I wouldn't trade any of those moments spent with Harry for anything. He wasn't like everyone else; he was too good for this world, too kind and compassionate. Out of the seven billion people on this planet, I was the one who got to experience all of that. The person who was on the receiving end of his unconditional love and acceptance. I was the one who got to see him relaxing on the couch while reading a book, lost in another world. The one who he pulled close at night, listening to the sounds of his innocent childlike chatter in his sleep. The person who he trusted to share all his deepest thoughts and fears with. I was the one that fell madly in love with the boy who owned every ounce of my soul. This wasn't our last goodbye. I refused to believe that. There was so much between us that I was a fool to ever think I could walk away. Harry was my beginning and end, and I'd be damned if I messed that up completely.

I slammed on my breaks and quickly turned the car around, earning a few pissed off horns from the cars passing by me. I didn't acknowledge them though, the only thing that mattered was that I get home to Harry and try to fix this tangled mess of our relationship.

I sped down the road, weaving between the cars in front of me. My phone went off, signaling that I had a text message. I glanced at the road once before reaching down to grab the device from the seat beside me. My heart jumped at the familiar name on the screen.

*Im sorry, Lou. Please come home.*

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face, rereading the message once more before being met with the sight of headlights coming towards me, followed by the deafening sound of metal crushing. Everything went black.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Harry's POV

"I can't do this anymore, Louis! Just go." I yelled, regretting the words as soon as I spoke them. I couldn't take them back though, knowing that we both needed space. My heart screamed at the sight of the broken man in front of me, looking as though the life had drained from his face. All I wanted to do was soothe the pain and hold his small body close to mine, but it was too late; the damage was done.

"If that's what you want." Louis said. It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want any of this. I wished I could hit a button and rewind the last few months of our fighting and anger, and return to a day when everything was so much simpler. I didn't say anything. Instead I watched as he grabbed his car keys and slammed the door, taking my heart along with him.

I picked up the closet thing to me and threw it, watching as the pieces ricochet off the wall and shattered to the ground. How could I let this happen? I never thought we'd get this far. Everything seemed so perfect, and I didn't know where we went wrong. Five years of being in love with this boy. Five years I'd gladly spend over and over again with him. I always laughed when people would talk about soul mates, thinking the concept was juvenile. Louis made me see things differently, though. He was it for me. He was the person who's heartbeat I wanted to listen to every night, and the face I wanted to wake up to in the morning. He's the person I wanted to offer the world, and every part of my being, to. Louis was the one who I wanted a future with, and the thought of him not being there made everything seem dull.

I paced the floor of our apartment, anxiously, running my hand through my hair. This wasn't worth it; every fight and hurtful word wasn't worth risking Louis over. I quickly grabbed my phone and messaged him to come home, realizing that whatever damage there was in this relationship could be fixed. I don't care how long it took, as long as he was here with me.

I laid down in our bed, trying to ease my anxious thoughts as I waited for Louis' response. The clock ticked by and still nothing. Maybe he really did leave, and this was his way of officially ending things. My heart ached at the thought, wishing I had gotten the chance to see him again. To explain that I still loved him and that everything was going to be okay. My heart jumped when I heard my phone ring, answering it with both desperation and eagerness in my voice.

"Louis?" I called out, only being met with silence.

"Hello?"

"Is this a Mr. Harry Styles?" I woman's voice asked. I quickly checked the number on the screen, not recognizing it.

"Yes this is he. Who is this?"

"I'm calling from St. Francis Medical. You're listed as Louis Tomlinson's emergency contact, and we're informing you that he was just brought in here and is currently being treated." The woman's almost robotic voice explained. I felt the blood drain from my body, the room feeling as though it was spinning.

"What happened? Is he alright?"

"I-we don't have much information, but there was an accident. I suggest you come here as soon as you can, it's critical." I hung up the phone and grabbed my jeans and sweater, throwing them on as fast as I could.

I tried to stay calm as impatiently flew past the too slow cars in front of me. The operators words played over and over in my mind, each time hitting me as if it was the first time hearing them. He was going to be okay. He had doctors caring for him, and they'd make sure that he was treated. Louis could be in recovery now, for all I knew, being his usual stubborn ass and refusing to follow nurses orders. I tried not to envision him there, lying broken and hurt in bed.

Please, God, don't take him from me. Give him another chance, he has too much to offer this world. Don't let him die. Ill do anything. I prayed harder than I ever have before, wiping away the panicked tears that fell down my face.

I finally reached the hospital, racing through the entrance and to the main desk.

"Louis Tomlinson. He was just brought here." I said frantically to the woman, not caring to be polite. I eagerly searched the area around me, trying to find signs of him anywhere. My heart stopped as I spotted his small body lying flat on a table, his face torn and bloodied. I ran over, ignoring the protests otherwise.

"Sir you can't go back there!" They yelled, but all I was focused on getting to the broken boy just out of reach. Everything seemed to pass in slow motion as I noticed the defibrillator placed on his chest, then the defeated nurses and doctors by his side, the blood covering each of their uniforms.

I stopped just outside the door, my body going weak once seeing the flatline on the screen. The doctor noticed my presence and turned around, his face filled with sympathy.

"I'm sorry son. We did everything we could, but it was too late." He said, his voice sounding farther and farther away. I stepped forward slowly, taking in Louis' appearance in front of me.

"I'll let you have some time." The doctor said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder before exiting the room. The nurses offered their apologies before following behind him.

"Excuse me, are you Harry?" A small voice asked from beside me. I pried my eyes from Louis' body to be met with a pair of soft brown eyes. I nodded weakly,

"I don't know if this makes things any better, or worse..but he was calling for you. When he was first brought in all he kept repeating was your name. I'm so sorry for your loss, dear." She finished before quickly leaving the room. My heart shattered into pieces, breaking for the boy I couldn't save.

He called out for me, and I wasn't there for him. Now he was gone. I was too late. No future, no hope, no life. I'd take every argument and fight all over again if it just meant I could have him back. I reached for his small hand, noticing how cold and limp it was in mine. My knees gave out, collapsing to the ground. I rested my head against his chest, my sobs shaking his lifeless body.

"I'm so sorry, Louis. I'm so sorry for not being there for you." I cried out. I'm sorry for every fight we had, and every angry word I said. They meant nothing. I'm sorry for making you leave me. God this was all my fault. He would be here if I hadn't told him to go. He'd be alive and safe within my arms. 

"Please, Louis, come back to me. You can't do this, you can't do this to me. Please, Lou." I begged, though I knew there wasn't going to be some miracle where he'd somehow return to me.  He was gone.

Chapter Text

Louis' POV:

Breathe, Louis, you've got this. 

But because I couldn't convince myself, I quickly snuck away from my family and entered the restroom.  I leaned my head up against the wall, trying to calm myself before I went back on stage.  This was it; the moment I had been waiting for.  My future revolved around my name being called, proving whether or not I had what it took to be a performer.  I knew I wasn't the greatest singer here, and I wasn't going to try and lie to myself to boost my confidence.  My audition was horrendous and I'm not sure how I made it through, honestly. 

The thought of going home so early on in the competition terrified me, because while I may not have the strongest voice, I knew I had a lot to offer the world.  With one last breath I turned around, bumping into the person heading the opposite direction.

"Oops, I'm so sorry!" He rushed out, holding my arm to steady me. I immediately recognized his face when I looked up. 

"Hi, you're Harry, right?" I asked, remembering seeing his audition.  I couldn't hide my admiration for his voice, it was one that I could I'd gladly listen to over and over again. 

"Uh yeah. How'd you know that?" He asked, his face flushed in embarrassment, dropping his hold on my arm.

"I saw your audition.  You were great, you're going to go far. I know it." I said, trying not to sound like a babbling idiot.  I didn't know why I was reacting this way, but I couldn't control it.

"Thank you, that means a lot.  I wish I was able to see yours." Harry said sincerely, rustling his curly hair before throwing a beanie over top. 

"It was awful, I'm positive I'm going home today.  My nerves are shot right now. I had to sneak away from my family to get some air."

"Me too.  I love my family, but having them here makes it's so much more nerve wracking...I mean this is it, this is the one moment that could change everything." I could hear the panic in his voice.  I knew we weren't the only ones who felt this way.  This day was important to everyone here, but just the idea that we could be the ones going home was enough to send my heart racing.

 "Exactly. My mom's been an emotional wreck. I'm not sure how much more I can take." I said, making him laugh gently.

"Well I better get back out there.  My mom is waiting for me."  He said after a moment. For a reason I couldn't explain, disappointment filled me as he spoke; I didn't want this conversation to end. 

"Wait, could I-could I maybe get a picture with you?" I asked, realizing how strange I sounded. 

"Why with me?" He asked, a small smirk playing on his lips, causing one of his dimples to show.

"Because you're going to go far, Harry, and I want to be able to say 'hey, I met him in the very beginning, way before he was even a star'." I explained, looking him in his green eyes.  He blushed and looked down at the ground before nodding.

"This is for the both of us; we are both going to go far." Harry said before walking over to stand by my side.  I took out my phone and angled it so we could both fit. Despite being complete strangers, we both looked happy and comfortable next to one another in the photo.

"Thanks." I said taking a step back, adjusting my beanie awkwardly.  When I looked back up at Harry he was already staring at me, something in his eyes I couldn't read.

"It was nice meeting you, Louis." He said after a minute, giving me a warm smile that made me flush. 

"It was nice meeting you, too, Harry.  Good luck out there."

"I'll see you at the finish line." He waved before opening the restroom door and leaving.  I looked down at my phone again, staring at the picture one last time before returning to my eager family.

"Will all the contestants please make their way to the stage, the judges are ready for you." One of the tech crew announced, sending my heart into a frenzy. My body went numb and my legs felt like lead as I took a few steps forward.

"You've got this, Louis. No matter what happens I'm so proud of you." My mother cried, pulling me in for a tight hug. I weakly returned it, feeling completely disconnected from my body. I followed the line of contestants out onto the stage, noticing Harry a few people ahead. He turned around and scanned the crowd, catching my eyes and offering me a smile and thumbs up. The small gesture calmed me if only for a moment.

I could feel the tension in the room, not a sound was made. We all faced the judges who looked slightly intimidating up on the riser. Simon began calling names, each followed by a relieved cry and applause. As the list grew and I didn't hear my name called, my chest felt tighter and tighter.

"The final contestant that has made it through is..Tom Richards." My heart sank, everything that Simon said afterwards becoming a blur. I didn't make it. I wasn't good enough. I don't know why I had hope otherwise, I should have known from that first audition that I was going home. Looking around me I saw the defeated faces of the other contestants, including Harry. I saw the tears in his eyes as he walked off stage.

As the crowd died down I spotted my mom whose face was filled with excitement.  I shook my head, sniffling back the tears that threatened to spill over once again.  Her face fell and she quickly rushed to my side, pulling me tightly to her chest while I cried.  I didn't care about the people around me or the cameras that were filming.  All that mattered was that small piece of hope I had for my future was now gone. 

"I can't believe it." I said, pulling away from her embrace to wipe my eyes.

 "This doesn't mean anything, Louis. You're still so young, you'll get another shot. Don't give up on your dream just yet." She pleaded. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise, I simply nodded and hugged her tightly one last time. 

"Let's go home." I said, smiling weakly.

"Can I have everyone's attention please.  The judges would like the following people to return to the stage.." The tech manager quickly listed off five names: Harry and I were two of them.  He looked at me confused, his tear stained face looking tired and broken. 

"Is this some joke? Have us go back out there just to humiliate us again?" He defended, trying not to sound as hurt as he looked. 

"I don't know. We're just going to have to see what they want." I reassured, squeezing his shoulder gently.  The five of us boys walked out onto the stage, followed by a group of girls.  I had only seen the other three in my group a few times since being here, vaguely remembering their names.  We stood there as the judges looked at us, seeming to size us over. I listened carefully as they spoke,

"..we just feel that you were too talented to let go of.  We think that it would be a great idea to have two separate groups." Nicole explained.  It took me a few moments to process what was being said: we were safe.  We were given a second chance, and though it may not have been in the way each of us wanted, it didn't matter. 

"We've decided to put you both through." Simon confirmed, sending us all into tears of relief.  Harry and I looked at one another and before I knew it I was wrapped tightly in his arms.  He held me closely, laughing gently against my body.

"I told you we'd make it. I told you." He whispered in my ear.  Everything seemed to stop in those moments, it was just me and him.  What pulled me back down to reality was the hugs and cheers of the other three boys beside us.  I could feel the excitement radiating from each of our smiles, in complete awe of what had just happened. 

We took in every word Simon said as he explained to us that we were going to have to work harder than everyone else here.  It was going to be hard, but we could do this.  The five of us were given a second chance and there was no way we'd ever take it for granted. 

"You got a real shot here, guys." Simon concluded before the judges erupted into applause.  Each of us cheered and hugged one another one last time.  I was surprised when Harry picked me up again and carried me off stage, his small body trying to adjust my legs around his waist. When we reached our families off stage he set me down gently, going to find his own. 

My mother saw me and ran over, pride glowing from her face.  She enveloped me in a warm embrace, repeating over how proud she was.  I looked up from her and met Harry's shinning eyes.  He smiled at me and in that moment I knew everything was going to be alright.  The five of us were given a second chance and we were going to make the most of it.

Chapter Text

Harry's POV:

The roar of the crowd sounded through the thin black curtain concealing us from the stage.  I paced anxiously back and forth, the nerves of tonight's final show getting to me.  This was it; five years of performing with the best guys in the world, and now it was over.  We had all come so far, more like brothers than anything else.  While we were excited to give one last performance in front of a sea of fans, we also didn't want it to end; with each song passing, meant one moment closer to the end. 

That wasn't the only thing on our minds tonight, though.  After years of restrictions and threats by management, Louis and I saw this show as our chance to give the world the truth.  We had been hidden and tormented for so long that we had finally had enough.  There was only so much we could take, at times ending it seemed like the best option despite the heartache it'd cause us.  Having to hide who we truly were was like having a piece of us ripped away.  Late nights spent apart while trying to keep up certain images, whether he was with Eleanor or a photographed with a random girl it was difficult knowing that that could never be us as long as we were under managements control.

 "Five minutes, Harry." Liam said, walking towards me while adjusting his inner ear. I offered him a weak smile, running my hand through my hair.  He gave me a knowing look and patted my shoulder.

"You've got this, Harry. I can't even imagine what these years have done to you and Louis, but this is your chance. You guys finally are able to be yourselves.  Think about the bigger picture and how great that's going to feel." He said reassuring me.  Liam always had a calming way about him. I was going to miss our late night conversations on the tour bus, or excited banter before a show. 

"I know, you're right.  It's just hard to believe that this is it, you know? Like all this time we've had to pretend to be people we're not, and now the world is going to see us for who we really are." I said slowly.  I took a deep breath through my nose and let it out, trying to get a better hold on my nerves.  I needed Louis.  Just being with him made me feel so much more secure and confident with our actions, everything would be okay as long as he was by my side.

"No matter what happens, you two will always have our support.  Don't doubt that." Liam said without missing a beat.  I knew that he and Niall would never leave Louis and I in a time like this.  They had been here from the beginning, both accepting and encouraging our relationship. I think they all knew even before Louis and I did. We weren't very subtle, I couldn't deny it, but from the moment we met I knew there was something special about him. I was immediately taken with him; the way he could make anyone laugh, or how he'd make a fool of himself just to make you feel better. What I loved most was how I was able to get to see the other side of him. The vulnerable, sweet man that was hidden beneath the jokes and messing around.

I loved how I was the one to wake up to his peaceful face resting on the pillow beside me in the morning, his eyebrows furrowing lost in whatever dream filled his mind. I loved the stolen glances and gentle kisses that reassured me that everything was worth it. Through all the contracts, cover ups and threats that we have been handed over the last five years, Louis was worth it.

"Hey, love, are you ready?" A gentle hand caressed my arm, breaking me from my thoughts. I looked over and met the eyes holding my soul. He smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. I couldn't help but return the gesture.

"Are you sure we can do this?" I asked, pulling him close in my arms. He reached up to take my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his gaze.

"Harry, we deserve this. It's just you and me. Nothing else matters. Not the critics, or the media, especially not management. I love you and that is what matters. Okay?" His confidence made me relax, the tense muscles in my back easing up. I rested my forehead against his, breathing in his comforting scent.

"Okay. It's just you and me." I agreed. His arms tightened around my waist, keeping me in reality and not lost within my racing thoughts. We heard footsteps approaching from behind us, making us break apart. I turned to see Niall and Liam, both with looks of anticipation on their faces.

"You boys ready?" Niall asked excitedly, though I could sense the nerves behind his smile. We circled up, placing our hands in the center of us.

"This is it, our last show. Let's make it a good one." Liam said smirking. We all counted to three before walking towards the entrance to the stage.  I could hear the crowd getting louder and louder, the adrenaline starting to course through my veins.  It never failed to amaze me each time we stepped out to meet the sea of thousands of fans.  We were here because of them; each person in the audience I owed my life to.  We wouldn't be anywhere without them and that is one thing that I would never forget or take for granted. 

Their reaction to mine and Louis' news is what mattered most to me.  I never wanted them to feel betrayed or hurt.  If they took this badly I don't know if I'd truly forgive myself.  I knew there would be fans who would support us; the ones who knew our secret from the beginning.  Coming out gave me hope that in doing so we would help those who feared to do the same: in the end love was love and nothing should limit that. But I also knew there were fans who may end up leaving us, and I'd hate myself for putting them in that position. 

The night flew by faster than any of our other shows, the crowd louder than most.  The energy of the fans electrified the stadium, making me feel high off of their excitement.  As the show drew to a close I kept looking over to Louis, each time he'd offer me a reassuring nod.  We could do this.  This was our time and we deserved to be happy. 

"To all of you out there tonight, and to those who are at home, we cannot thank you enough for your dedication and support these five years.  We owe all of this to you.  Whether you've been there from the beginning or last week, we thank you for being here for us.  We are One Direction, and we promise you we'll see you soon."  Liam finished, tears forming in his eyes.  We gathered around for a group hug, holding one another a little tighter and longer. We knew this wasn't the end, and that there would be more of us to come in the future.  But this was our final performance of this tour, and would be the longest we had been apart.

When we pulled away the crowd was cheering, tears staining their beautiful faces.  It broke my heart to see them upset, but this break was for the best and I knew that they would still be there for us when we returned. Louis came over to my side, Liam and Niall taking a step backwards. They gave us a nod, signaling for us to continue.

"You ready?" Louis asked, his smile faltering. My heart pounded in my chest, so fast and loud I could hear it over the roar of the crowd. I nodded, the neves making me feel sick with anticipation and fear.

"Before we end the show tonight, there is something that we thought you all deserved to know." Louis started, peering over to see management on the side of the stage nervously looking at us unsure of what was happening. I smirked and looked back at Louis, suddenly more confident in our decision.

"You see for years we've only showed you guys what management wanted you to see. What they thought best fit our image or what would sell the most money. A part of it was real, but there were things that we've had to hide and keep from the public eye." Management was now frantic, waving at Liam and Niall to stop Louis. They stood their ground, nodding for us to continue.

"Many of you found out our secrets, and while management tried their best to cover up any mishaps, Harry and I grew more and more confident with your support and love." He looked over at me and took my hand in his. The crowd grew silent, a few cheers emitted from around the arena, but nothing was said. Everyone was focused on the words coming from Louis' mouth. With his confidence I found my own, finally finding the courage to speak.

"Louis and I have been forced to hide our relationship, and we've had enough. This is our time to take control and be happy. We cannot thank you enough for your support, and we understand some may not believe in what we're doing. Regardless of what happens from here, what we do know is that we love one another and that won't change. Love is love, and tonight love wins." The crowd erupted into a wave of cheers and chants. Liam and Niall following in their actions. They ran over to envelop us in a hug, nearly knocking Louis and I over. I glanced over to the stage to see management defeated and on edge. Their discomfort gave me satisfaction, though I could sense a very unpleasant conversation that we would be having in just a short while.

Looking back over to the man in front of me, his blue eyes filled with so much pride and love, I knew that nothing else mattered. We were free.

With one last thank you and bow we ran off stage, buzzing from the nights events. Louis still had his hand in mine, his thumb rubbing soothing circles across my skin.

"I'm so proud of you, love." He whispered in my ear. I turned and grabbed his face in my hands, bringing his mouth to mine. His warm breath tickled my skin, the smell of faded mint and sweat wafting around me. Everything stopped in that moment: the loud cheers from the fans, the tense atmosphere caused by managements distress. Nothing else was here except for Louis and I.

We were interrupted by our manager shoving me away from Louis. The force made me stumble back from the unexpected blow.

"Don't fucking touch him." Louis defended, stepping between me and our manager.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You've ruined us. Do you know how long and how hard we've worked to keep this a secret? Do you know how many sacrifices this company has had to make for your ungrateful asses? We could have you fired!" He screamed, the veins popping out from his neck.

"Oh bullshit you'd be nowhere without us, and that is not me being arrogant. We've dealt with your tyranny and control for years now and we've had enough. Fuck off." Louis yelled back, taking my hand and leading me away from the crowd that had formed around us. Liam and Niall followed behind, management watching in shock as we fled.

"Louis, wait. Let's talk about this." I said, trying to calm him down. Seeing the look on his face I knew that it would not be easy. He shot me a glare and kept walking. When we reached our dressing room he slammed the door, locking it behind him.

"The nerve they have to say that to us! After everything they've put us through they want us to feel grateful? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit." He muttered, pacing back and forth. I sighed and walked over beside him, grabbing him by the shoulders.

"Louis, it doesn't matter. It's done and we're free. There's nothing they can do about it now. Everyone knows the truth. What happens from here is their problem, not ours. We can live our lives any way we want now." I said, trying to remove the anger in his eyes. It seemed to work as I felt his rigid posture relax, his eyes softening.

"How are you not upset about this?"

"Because I have you. It's as simple as that." I stated, though just as surprised by my own calmness. Fifteen minutes ago I was about to burst with fear and anticipation, but now all of it subsided into contentment and hope.

Louis smiled, reaching up to push my hair behind my ears. I leaned down, placing a soft kiss on his lips. There was a gentle knock on the door. Louis sighed and broke away, walking over to answer it. Liam and Niall emerged, smiles plastered on their faces.

"Whats going on ?" I asked, confused considering the backlash we just received from management. Liam handed me his phone, revealing thousands of tweets filing down the page.

"What is this?" Louis asked, peering over my shoulder. Scrolling down I noticed the top trend: We Support You Louis and Harry. I read the top tweets, each expressing their support and pride in both Louis and I.

This was something I didn't expect, though our fans never failed to surprise us. My biggest fear of disappointing them slowly subsided as we scanned over each confirmation that they would be here for us no matter what happened. Louis looked up at me, his eyes shinning bright.

"We did it, love. Everything is going to change from here." I said, pulling him close to my side. It didn't matter what tomorrow held, or the days following that. It didn't matter what management was going to do next, or the media's negative feedback of Louis and I coming out. The two of us now had the chance to be ourselves and officially start our lives.

There were so many things I wanted with Louis: to be able to have a wedding and not just some rushed ceremony we had two years ago, though I would never trade that day for anything.  There was nothing better than being married to Louis, or having the memory of seeing his face in front of me as we exchanged vows that night, alongside our few friends and family.  Now that we were free we could finally talk about adopting and raising a family together; something I have wanted for years.  The opportunities seemed endless with this newfound freedom, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  Louis and I had hope for a better future, and I could not wait to begin it with him.

Chapter Text

Harry's POV:

I anxiously paced the long white room, counting down the minutes until I was face to face at the alter with the man I intended on spending the rest of my life with.  Everything was perfect, planned out exactly how Louis and I had envisioned it.  The wedding ceremony would take place at a small banquet hall, just on the cusp of the ocean shore.  I had always wanted a wedding by the sea, and Louis gracefully allowed me to choose the location.  We had walked through the spot where we would say our vows, making sure everything was exactly how it should be; it was better than I ever anticipated.  There was a large garden area where an isle was set up, carefully lined with an array of purple and white flowers. The chairs were a simple white, positioned in front of the alter which consisted of a wooden platform beneath a large oak tree.  What made this spot even more unique was the delicate lights that wrapped around the trunk and extended into the branches above us, creating our own stars against the sky.  I couldn't have pictured a better place to marry Louis.  i was about to burst out of my skin in anticipation of walking down the isle to meet him.  

There was a long discussion about who would take the place at the alter, though finally deciding on that role being Louis'.  His reasoning was that he wanted to be the one to stand there with pride on his face as he watched my mother walk beside me.  The idea made me slightly self conscious, a completely irrational thought as I have had thousands of eyes on me at a time for years now.  But being here surrounded by our closest family and friends made me feel exposed and vulnerable.  There was no hiding my love for Louis. He was the one for me and I've known that since the time I was sixteen.  People often questioned how we knew so young, but it was always a simple answer.  There was no questioning our feelings for one another.  I loved him with such force that it nearly made my head spin and my heart ache.  I never knew this love was possible in real life.  I had always seen it in movies or read about it in books, but never did it occur to me that a person could be filled with so much passion for another.  

At sixteen I didn't know what to make of such feelings, often trying to bury them deep within me with no threat of being exposed.  But he always knew; Louis knew me better than I thought I knew myself.  It scared me but I let him in. Despite the warning signals going off in my head telling me that this boy could break my heart with no hope for recovery with just a snap of his fingers, I couldn't resist falling for him.  He had my heart and there was no chance of me ever getting it back.  

"Harry, five minutes. Louis' waiting for you." Niall said, peeking his head around the large white door. My heart began to race at the thought.  This was it, after years of waiting in eager anticipation, the moment was finally here. Louis and I would be tied together in every way possible.  

"I'll see you out there" He said throwing me a wink. I smiled and took one last look in the mirror.  I ran my fingers through my hair, brushing away the few curls that had fallen onto my face.  Taking a deep breath I adjusted the purple rose placed on my black suit's lapel.  

"Harry?" I heard a gentle voice call from behind me.  Looking in the reflection I could see my mother, dressed in a soft lavender gown.  Her dark hair was pulled up on top of her head, curls arranged to frame her kind face. 

"Mom, you look beautiful." I said turning around to wrap her in my arms.  i held her tightly, finding comfort in the gentle touch of her hands on my back and the rhythmic breaths of her rising chest.  

"Oh stop, today is about you, not me.  You look so handsome." She pulled away, still holding my hands, and glanced over my appearance.  She beamed proudly, her eyes brimming with tears. 

"Mom you can't cry yet. You'll make me cry." I half scolded. 

"I'm just so happy.  My baby boy is getting married." She choked out, laughing softly to herself.  I smiled and pulled her into my arms once again, the act only making her cry harder. 

"It's okay, mom.  I love you, always." I soothed, squeezing her tight against my chest.  I kissed the top of her head, careful not to mess up her hair.  When she pulled away she wiped her eyes trying not to smudge her makeup,

"Enough of this.  It's time to get you to your husband." 

I couldn't help the goofy smile that filled my face at her words.  Without a moment's hesitation I linked her arm in mine and guided her over to the glass doors. We waited patiently as the music began, watching as the wedding procession made their way down the isle.  I scanned the crowd, trying to spot Louis at the alter.  My view was obstructed by the number of bodies rising to their feet.  The doors opened, signaling our cue to being our march.  

I felt my heart beat furiously against my chest, my face flushing at the familiar faces taking in my mother and I.  When we emerged from behind the doors the room grew silent, a smile on each guests face.  The night sky had finally set, allowing the lights and luminaria  to shine their brightest.  

My mom squeezed my arm gently before taking the final step around the corner. We were now in full view of our audience, though none of them mattered.  Right now all that I could see were the crystal blue eyes looking back at me with such love and admiration is made my heart soar.  Looking at him I almost forgot how to walk, my legs feeling disconnected from the rest of my body. His black suit fit him snugly, a simple white flower, contrasting my own, was pinned on his lapel. His usual messy hair was styles back and away from his face, allowing me to take in every perfect piece of him. He smiled back at me, and we were lost within our own little world.  

Suddenly I was sixteen again, meeting the eyes that I now held my soul, for the first time.  We were so naive and insecure then, nervously excusing ourselves after running into one another in the bathroom.  Then I was seventeen and stumbling over my words as I first told Louis that I loved him.  I remember the look on his face being slightly amused, as if he had known this entire time that I was head over heels for him.  He didn't say anything at first, leaving me feeling as though I had made a huge mistake.  But then he brought his lips to mine and in that moment I knew he felt the same. Then I was nineteen, and laying within his warm embrace as I listened to the even beating of his heart beneath my head.  We'd spend the nights within each other's arms, taking the time to memorize every inch detail and curve of his boyish face.  Next I was twenty one and looking at him from across the room, knowing that night that I was going to marry this man without a doubt in my mind.  Now I am twenty two, staring into the future within those same blue eyes, and seeing everything I could possibly hope for in life.  This was it; I was home. 

I was brought back down to reality by the kiss my mother placed on my cheek before turning to return to her seat.  The audience followed her actions, leaving all their attention on Louis and I. 

"Hi, love." He said quietly, still smiling brightly.  I brought his hand up to my mouth and gently placed a kiss on the soft cold skin. I winked and we both turned our attention to the minister in front of us. He recited the traditional readings before recognizing the time for Louis and I to recite our vows. We agreed that writing our own would be the best option as the typical words that were spoken at weddings was not nearly enough to fully explain our feelings for one another. 

"I'll go first." Louis said, releasing my hand to pull out a crinkled piece of paper from his jacket pocket.  He unfolded it, before taking a deep breath and looking me in the eyes. 

"Harry, these words that I've written can in no way truly express my love for you.  I've dreamt of this day for years, now, and the moment I fell for you I knew that you were who I wanted to stand beside at the alter.  When we first met, I have to admit I was pretty smitten by you. I'm not sure if it was those bright green eyes, or those boyish dimples, or your too-kind heart, but you had me hook line and sinker. I never thought that someone could make me feel this way; so alive and so happy.  I didn't know this kind of happiness existed until I met you. You are so beautiful, Harry; you have a soul and heart that this world doesn't deserve.  And for some strange reason, you allowed me access to those very parts of you. I am the one lucky enough to wake up beside you in the morning, the one who gets to see you at your lowest point only to be there to watch you to your best. I'm the person who you entrusted all of your hopes and dreams and insecurities to, and I promise you, Harry that not a day will go by where you regret giving me that trust.  I will love you with every ounce of my being, up until my last breath.  Even after that I will love you, because someone like you, Harry, deserves to be loved every minute of every day, unconditionally and endlessly.Today the next chapter of my life beings, and I have you to thank for that. " 

When Louis looked back up from the wrinkled paper, I saw the truth to his words behind his eyes.  My own had tears threatening to spill over as I ached to have him within my arms, his mouth pressed against my lips, letting him know how much he meant to me. 

The minister cleared his throat, now realizing that it was my turn to say my vows.  I quickly grabbed the paper I had neatly folded, and opened it, making sure to never break eye contact with Louis.  He offered me a smile in reassurance before I started.

"Louis, when I look at you I can see an entire world of possibilities and dreams that I never knew I had wanted for my life.  Each day I'm with you feels like the first, and I can't help but fall in love with you all over again. You have been my best friend, my confidant, and one of my biggest challengers. To be here in front of you today, knowing that I get the chance to spend the rest of my life with you is such a privilege. Since you have given me the incredible gift of letting me love you, it is my turn to give back. I promise to make each day we're together better than the last. I promise to love you with such passion that it's set fire to the little world we've found ourselves lost within.  I promise to give you my heart fully and walk besides you wherever this new life takes us, because you are my anchor, Louis. You are my light, and the warmth that fills my soul.  You, Louis, are my home, and I have no intention of ever leaving that place." 

 I looked over at my mother to see her eyes filled with tears, she smiled at me then at Louis, knowing better than anyone else the unique relationship that he and I shared.  I remember the day that I told her that Louis and I were getting married.  While I knew she would give us her undying support and approval, I was afraid she thought we were too young.  Typical of Anne, though, she surprised me, laughing gently at my announcement before asking me what took us so long. I don't think Louis and I would be here today if it wasn't for the support of our families.  There had been negative backlash to our relationship coming out, and at times it had a powerful impact on announcing our marriage to the public. Our families gave us the strength and courage to push forward, though, and standing here now makes me realize how appreciate I am of that. 

Louis looked up at me, his blue eyes trying to fight back tears. I could always tell when he was about to cry, he'd bite his lip and pinch his face slightly. I smiled back at him in reassurance, placing my vows back in my pocket before returning my hand to his.  It was cold and soft, and fit perfectly within mine.  He was the missing piece to the puzzle, almost as if we were meant to fit within one another. 

"By the power vested in me, I know pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Louis Tomlinson." The minister announced, sending the crowd into a roar of cheers and praise.  I raised my hand slowly, cupping Louis' face within my palm before brushing my thumb across his cheek.  He turned into it, rising on his toes to bring his lips an inch from mine.  I leaned forward slightly to he wouldn't have to reach as far.  He always hated when I teased about his height, but it was honestly one of the things I loved about him; he had such a large and bold personality, all shoved into this little feisty body.  

His warm breath wafted across my face, his lips grazing mine slowly before I finally closed the distance.  I forgot that our family and friends were around us, still clapping with tear stained faces.  I forgot that we had a minister no more than two feet behind us.  All that mattered was Louis and the way his mouth tasted of cigarettes and mint.  And how he knew exactly how to hold me when we kissed; one hand tangled in my hair while the other rested comfortably on my hip.  The way I could feel him smile against the kiss as he deepened it, pulling me closer and tighter to his body.  

When I reluctantly pulled away, I thought that in this moment I could never be happier.  Not when the five of us were given a second chance and put into a band, or when we'd play to the thousands of fans who knew every line to our songs, not even when Louis agreed to marry me.  Looking into his eyes now, and knowing that we now had an eternity to spend together, I realized that this was the definition of happiness, and that I had loved him a thousand times more than I thought possible. 

He took my hand in his and we turned to face the sea of smiling faces, officially starting the next chapter to my life, though now as Harry Tomlinson. 

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Louis' POV

I watched as Harry gracefully flowed from table to table, thanking everyone for coming.  He had such a calming way about him that could put the most anxious of person at ease.  I sat there admiring the way he'd make each person smile, his own dimpled and crinkle eyed. And the way he would look at everyone as if they had his undying attention and were all that mattered in the world.  Harry was special, and I knew that soon after I met him. He had such a kind and compassionate soul that I often wondered how the world was lucky enough to have him be apart of it.  

He noticed my staring and offered me a warm smile.  He gently excused himself from the conversation he was a part of, then made his way through the crowd of people on the dance floor.  I waited in my seat, noticing loving eyes following him as he walked towards me, and planted a small kiss on my forehead.

"It's not polite to stare, you know." Harry teased, his voice low and raspy, the way it got after having a few drinks.  

"I'm simply admiring my husband. Is that such a crime?" 

"I like that." He said slowly, making me look at him with slight confusion. 

"Like what?"

"The way you say husband." He smirked, as his fingers innocently played with his lips. His eyes, though, were bright and filled with something that made my stomach flip and heart flutter. After all these years he still managed to have that affect on me. 

"Such a sap." I winked, reaching across the table to take his warm hand in mine. I rubbed small circles against his soft skin, lightly tracing the cross tattoo placed there.  He watched me closely, his eyes never leaving my face.  

"Come with me." He said after a minute, breaking the silence. I nodded and rose to my feet, letting him lead us away from the banquet hall and out the large glass doors.  I could hear the ocean waves rolling in the distance, the warm breeze blowing the trees against the starry sky. 

"Where are we going?" I asked, before he stopped once we were a few feet from the edge of the small cliff.  It made me nervous being up this high with nothing but ocean below us, but I knew that with Harry I was safe.  

He didn't say anything, but instead took my hand in his, wrapping the other around my waist.  I laughed at the formal posture he took, standing up straight and gracefully swaying us back and forth. I swatted his arm before pulling him close to me, burying my head against his chest.  He leaned down and rested his own in my hair, while his arms held me tight against him.  Harry led us slowly, rocking to the sound of the ways which seemed like music to my ears in tune with his beating heart. 

We stayed like that for a while, enjoying having one another close.  Occasionally he'd run his hands up and down my back, or plant kisses in my hair.  He always knew how to comfort me, seeming as though he could read my mind.  We had always been like that, though; somehow in sync with one another's thoughts and movements. We were like each other's mirrors, reflecting the love and passion felt between us. 

"Are you having a good time?" He asked quietly against my ear. I pulled away to look up at him, his glossy eyes staring at my mouth.  

"I am. Especially now that we're alone.  I love our family, but all I want right now is to be with you." I answered honestly.  He smiled and reached down to pull my face to his, fire igniting my skin as I felt his lips press against mine.  I raised my hand to knot into his hair just the way he liked it, while my other rested in the dip of his hip. I was suddenly lost his taste, the stars and the sound of the sea.  Each sending me deeper and deeper into a world of bliss and a desire that only Harry could ever satisfy. He was like my own drug and I could never get enough of him.  I'd yearn to hear the smooth rhythm of his silky voice, and feel the gentle caress of his hands on my skin.  I lived for the opportunities to make him laugh because his dimpled smile was like my heroin that sent me on my high.  I ached when he was gone because my heart felt empty without his warm presence that my soul cried out for.  

I loved to watch the way his eyes lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about; it was the same look he had when he was staring back at me. How I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of such love still rang loud and clear in my mind, but I decided to brush it aside and relish in the fact that he was mine just as much as I was his.

"We should go back inside." He whispered, pulling away from our kiss to rest his forehead against my own. I groaned.

"They're all too drunk to notice our absence, can't we just leave now? I don't know how much longer I can look at you in that suit. I'd much rather see it on the floor of our hotel room." I teased, kissing along his jawline and down to the crook of his neck that I knew was his weak spot. He sighed quietly, giving in to my actions.

"What a romantic." Harry joked, though his voice was rough and breathless. I felt his hands tighten against my back, slowly gliding down to grab hold of my ass. I chuckled and pulled away.

"No, you're right. We should go back inside. Don't want our guests to get the wrong idea about us being out here." I winked, leaving him wide eyed and flushed.

"You little shit." He said, running his hands through his hair before following after me. He jogged up to meet me, taking my hand in his like habit. I brought it to my mouth and placed a small kiss on the inside of his wrist.

"Still love me, though, right?" I asked, looking up at him. His eyes glowed with the reflection of the lights from the venue, his lips slightly swollen, though not enough for people to notice.

"I don't think I have much choice now that we're married." His typical shit ass grin flashed across his face. I shoved him aside, making him stumble over his feet.

I laughed as he regained his balance and glared at me playfully, running up to grab my waist and pull me tightly to his side. It was times like this where I felt invincible; like nothing could ever tear the two of us apart. Sure, not every day was going to be filled with sunshine and rainbows. There were going to be nights where we'd fight and go to bed angry, and days where we wouldn't speak, filled with too much hurt and rage. But I'd embrace those times because at the end of the day he'd still have my heart and I knew that we'd love one another regardless of what happened.  

This was it; this was exactly where I was supposed to be. Every moment led up to today. If we never auditioned for the x-factor, or were given a second chance as a band. If Harry never confessed his love for me that summer night or asked me to marry him five years later I honestly don't know where I would have ended up. All those moments added up to what would become the best day of my life. There was no place I'd rather be than right here besides my beautiful green eyed husband. No matter what obstacles or adventures were headed our way, I knew we could handle anything.

"I love you, Lou." Harry whispered into my ear. Regardless of his declarations, I knew that I loved him a thousand times more.   It was just like he said in his vows; in him I found my home. 

Chapter Text

Louis' POV: 

I stared out the large glass window of our apartment, noticing the lights from the city below us turn on one by one with the setting sun.  It was amazing how many lives were being lived right now; someone was getting married, another would be having their first child or kiss, someone may be taking their last breath while their loved ones were close by.  Tonight, I was losing the the person who meant most to me in this world.

 I sighed and turned around to face a distraught Harry who was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.  I knew I should be comforting him right now, but then again he was the one leaving me.  He was the one walking out after five years of what I thought was a happy relationship. There were times where things were difficult, and when ending it seemed like the best option, but we never actually considered it. We loved one another too much to even go through with the idea of throwing everything away; or so I thought.

"Why now, Harry?"I asked, my voice low and raspy from the threatening emotions ready to spill over.  There were so many things I wanted to say and do to him; I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs from the pain of my heart being ripped from my chest by the very person who gave it life. I wanted to cry for the memories that would become the only thing I'd have left of him. I wanted to lean down in front of him and grab his face in mine, forcing him to look into my eyes to see the hope I had that we could make it past this. 

He looked up at me, his green eyes tormented and furrowed.  I hated that this is what we had come to. 

"We aren't happy, Louis. You can try to convince yourself as much as you'd like, but you aren't happy.  We've gone through too much for this to be fixed.  I can't do it anymore.  I have nothing left to offer." His voice broke, his lips puffy and shaking like they usually did right before he cried.   I wanted to press my lips to his and make him feel the love I had for him, because that was something that would never change.  Instead, I stood there lifeless, across the room from where he sat.  He ran his fingers through his messy hair, his eyes red from the tears he had shed in telling me how he felt.  

"Are we really so far past hope that we can't fix what's been done? It's been five years, Harry. We've overcome everything together. Why not this?" 

"What's the point if we always end up right back where we start? We just keep making the same stupid mistakes and I can't take anymore heartache. I love you, always, Lou. You know that.  But I also know that if we are ever going to be happy, we can't keep playing ourselves." My heart dropped at the nickname, not sure if he had even noticed he had called me it.  That was something he had said to me from the first day we had confessed our feelings to one another, I love you always, Lou, played over and over in my head, trying to memorize the way he said it because this was most likely the last time I would be hearing it.  

"What about me, Harry? I get a say in all of this. I have a right to say no..I can't- I can't be without you, Harry.  You've become such a big part of my life, such an important part of me that I can't let you just walk away. I love you. Doesn't that matter?" My voice betrayed me and cracked, I could feel the tears brimming around my eyes. He stood up from his seat then, cautiously coming over, stopping a foot away from me.  I could feel the heat radiating from his body, smell the faint scent of his cologne.  His eyes, always so intense and seemingly endless pools of green, looked deep in mine. I ached to close the distance between us and wrap him tightly in my arms.  

"Of course it matters, Louis. You always matter.  But this is best for the both of us.  It may not seem like it now, hell even I am still having doubts about this, but in the end this is what we need.  We have to let go." His voice was a whisper, but I could here the determination in his voice. I knew there was no changing his mind; his heart was set and mine was left aching for something that no longer was. 

"Okay. I'll let go, for you. I'll let go for you, Harry." I said, wanting to bite back the words as soon as I spoke them. This was what he wanted, though, and I would do anything for him.  If leaving me and ending what we had would make him happy then that's all that mattered.  Harry had such a beautiful soul that deserved the absolute best that the world had to offer, and I wasn't going to be the one to hold him back from what he needed in life.  I loved him enough to let him go. 

We stood there for a moment, realization of what had happened hitting the two of us.  I was numb to the tears rolling down my face now, not bothering to wipe them away and hide how I was feeling.  Suddenly I was crushed by two arms, pulling me tightly against his chest.  Harry nuzzled his head into my hair, holding me as if I were about to float away.  I wanted to stay right here forever; safe and comforted within his arms that had held me for the last five years.  I wanted to go back to a time that was so much simpler, when there wasn't any fighting or petty arguments that were slowly tearing us apart piece by piece. 

I wanted to go back to the first day we met and I was completely and utterly transfixed by his boyish dimples and bright green eyes.  Or the day where we had first kissed, both of us so nervous that we had missed each others mouths.  I ached for the day where I first heard him tell me that he loved me while he thought I was asleep; I could feel his eyes on my face, his fingers gently tracing designs across my hand that was wrapped tightly around his waist.  He said it so low, yet so lovingly that I wasn't sure if I was dreaming it.  But when I felt the electricity pulse through my body as he lightly placed a kiss on my wrist I knew that it was real and that I loved this boy with every fiber of my soul. 

Here we were today, holding one another for the very last time. 

After a minute I broke away, the tears stopping and drying against my cheeks.  I cleared my throat and released his arms from around me, falling limply to his sides.  He looked so defeated and much older than he did this morning, as if this conversation had aged him ten years.  

"I should probably get my things. That way I won't have to bother you after tonight." He said, his voice husky and thick.  I simply nodded, not having the energy or heart to give him an answer.  Leaving him standing there I went into the bathroom and locked the door. When I looked into the reflection I saw the bloodshot eyes, drained of life and depth.  It scared me how cold and empty they looked, though I wasn't surprised considering everything I had in me was being taken by the beautiful man just outside the door.  I turned the faucet on and leaned down to splash cold water on my face, finally deciding on taking a shower, wanting to wash away everything that had happened.  

I stood there and let the hot water run down my body, burning slightly at its heat. It didn't matter as I was lost in another world of thoughts and torments.  How did I get here? We were so happy a few months ago. I thought we were invincible and had one of those romances that would last a lifetime, as cliche as that sounded.  Harry made me see and feel things that I never thought I'd could before.  I never believed in true love or something as juvenile as soulmates until I met him.  I fell for Harry harder than I ever thought possible and for some crazy reason he felt the same about me.  He had so much love and passion built within him that it filled my soul to the very brim.  I was never going to be able to fill the void that his absence left. He was irreplaceable in every aspect of my life. 

I felt my knees go weak with the exhaustion taking over my body, and soon found myself sitting in the tub, water turning cold.  I shivered against the change in temperature, finding the pain in the icy splashes as a distraction against the overwhelming ache in my chest. I never knew what heartbreak felt like or if it was even an actual thing.  I always assumed it was just a figure of speech and that people exaggerated how they felt after ending a relationship.  Sitting here now I know how wrong I was, as I slowly crumbled at the knives being driven into my chest.  My empty heart was two beats from caving in, with no signs of recovery. Despite the hollow feeling throughout my body, part of me was happy because the pain served as a reminder that he was real; that everything we went through together wasn't just a figment of my imagination but had become a part of who I was as a person.  Every day spent with him slowly stitched together the person I had become today. Without him here, there was no one to hold me together; I was half a man.  

I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting in the tub when I finally decided to shut the water off.  I felt detached from my body as I dried off and threw on a pair of sweatpants and one of Harry's sweaters.  It was too big on me, but I loved how soft it was and how there was still a faint scent of him on it.  When I opened the door to the bedroom I didn't expect him to still be there. Part of me wanted him gone so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that came with seeing his face before me, knowing I wasn't going to be able to curl up beside him at night or wake up to it in the morning.  

He didn't notice my presence in the room as he sat at the edge of the bed.  He was slumped over, hands covering his face as he rested his elbows on his knees. I saw his bags that were packed, a few clothes remaining in the closet.  I cleared my throat before speaking, though not recognizing my own voice.

"I thought you'd be gone by now." I said, making him look up. I could tell that he had been crying, his face puffy and flushed.  Despite the circumstances, I hated seeing him this way.  Harry should never be in a position where he felt more hurt than happiness.  He deserved to be loved and cherished every moment of his life, even though I wasn't going to be the one giving that to him.

"I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye.  I-I'm sorry I shouldn't have stayed.  It was stupid of me to think that-" He stopped, rising to his feet, rubbing his face roughly with his hands. 

"I'll grab my bags and go." The look in his eyes made me think that he wanted otherwise, however. I watched as he reached for his black coat, putting it on before taking each of his bags in his hands.  

"Wait" I choked out, not realizing the words had left my mouth. Harry stopped and looked at me with confusion.  

"What is it, Louis?" 

"Stay. Just for tonight, please." I begged, knowing that this was the worst thing I could have asked for, but also that I needed him here beside me if only for the night. The look on his face turned from confusion to hurt.  He shook his head slowly, sighing to himself. 

"Louis you know I can't." 

"Yes you can. Please, give me one more night. That's all I'm asking." I should feel embarrassed for the words coming from my mouth, but it didn't matter. All that I cared about was being able to show this man one last time how much I loved him, how much he had changed me and how much control he had over me. I didn't care that In the morning he wouldn't be mine, and that this was the end of it all.  He was here in front of me now, and I didn't want to let him go.  

He studied my face, seeming to not know what to say.  Without thinking I found myself closing the distance between us, standing mere inches from Harry's face.  His breath hitched, not anticipating my actions.  I waited there, gauging his reaction, trying to read his eyes.  I lifted my hand slowly to cup his cheek, rubbing my thumb across his cheekbone.  He closed his eyes in response, turning his face into the gesture.  It was such a simple act that had so much more meaning tonight. Slowly, I leaned forward, standing on my toes to bring my lips to his. I expected him to resist, to push me away and storm out the door without looking back.  His lips met mine, though, with an eager desire that ignited the fire in my heart.  

I heard the bags drop from his hands, feeling them now on either side of my face, pulling me tighter against him. I sucked in a breath, breaking our contact and looked him in the eyes. The green within them was like flaming emeralds, filled with such passion that I felt that hole within my chest begin to disappear. Looking in to them I felt complete; like everything was going to be alright.  I knew it wasn't healthy to be here wrapped in his arms, relishing in his gentle caresses and needy kisses, but for a moment I was able to forget everything that had happened tonight.  Every tear shed, every tormented thought that plagued my mind.  Right now Harry was here, and he was so beautiful.  Tonight he was mine, if only for one last time.  

I returned my mouth to his, moving my hands from his face to his shoulders in attempt to remove his coat.  He picked up on my intention and completed the action, throwing the dark fabric across the room.  He picked me up and hoisted me so my legs were wrapped around his waist, never breaking the kiss.  I knotted my fingers in his hair as he pressed me up against the wall, using its surface as support.  Our kisses were sloppy and hungry, jagged breaths and clammy skin with each passing second.  I broke away to kiss along his neck, sucking on the spot in the crook of his collarbone that I knew made him weak.  He moaned and gripped my ass tighter, sending chills down my spine.  

When I looked back up, our eyes met and in those moments I was back to when we were happy and so madly in love we could have set fire to the world.  There was so much emotion hidden within his that I ached to know the reason behind it.  How could he look at me like that, with such admiration and love, yet be able to tell me that we would be better off ending things? How could he tell me that he didn't feel the same fervor and electricity that I felt when we kissed? There was no imagining this kind of love; it was indescribable and endless.  Within him I had everything. He was my light and warmth and home. I was never more in love with him that I was at this moment. 

Harry brought his lips to mine while turning and carrying me to the bed.  He eased me down gently, my back hitting the soft surface.  I inched backwards as he crawled in the same direction over me.  I took the time to carefully undo the buttons on his shirt, discarding the thin material and throwing it on the floor.  He did the same for me, allowing me to sit up to remove the black sweater.  The urgency to our kisses died down, and were now filled with a soft and tender precision; each kiss seeming to have a meaning and unspoken word between us.  I tried not to think about how I would feel in the morning, and where this night would lead us.  Instead I focused on the smooth skin of Harry's chest beneath my fingertips, and the way that he knew exactly where to hold me.  After five years together, we had memorized every inch and curve to one another's body's, knowing just where to put our hands and place each kiss. 

When I pulled away to catch my breath, I noticed the tears in Harry's eyes. I gently wiped them away with my thumb, placing small kisses on each of his eye lids then down his cheeks.  I felt my own tears make their way down my face. 

"We shouldn't be doing this, Louis." Harry said, his voice raw from kissing and tears. I placed my mouth on his, keeping him from saying anything more.

"I know, just stay." I said, pleased when I felt him lower himself down onto me, our bodies pressed together tightly.  Needing him more and more with every touch, I tugged at his belt, trying to lower his pants with my hands but not being able to reach fully.  He broke away stood up from the bed, kicking off his shoes before tugging down his black jeans, leaving him in nothing but his briefs.  Looking up at him, the moonlight from the window illuminating his tall figure, I was amazed by how perfect he was. The way his hair fell is soft dark waves against the broad curves of his shoulders, and how the ink that decorated is skin was filled with secrets that only we knew.  Every inch of him I loved and would not change.  

He walked slowly over to me, leaning down to pull off my sweatpants, throwing them onto the floor with the rest of our clothes that were piling up. I flipped us over so I was laying against his chest, the heat from his body making me flush.  His hands found their way into my hair, their large expanse seeming to swallow my face hole.  I could feel him shudder at the icy touch of my fingertips trailing down his stomach and to his waistline, gently teasing the along the elastic band.  

He reconnected our mouths, both slightly swollen and tender from the need to our kisses. We had done this so many times before, lost within the moonlight and the sheets, but everything was different tonight.  There wouldn't be a tomorrow filled with sleepy cuddles or groggy good mornings.  There wasn't going to be anymore stolen glances containing so much love and acceptance for one another. There wasn't going to be another night like this where I was able to see and feel every beautiful inch of him beneath me.  This was it; this was my last chance to show him how much I loved him. 

Harry's soft mouth scattered bites along the sensitive area of my neck, his teeth gently grazing my collarbone. I grabbed his arms tightly, my eyes closing in response to his actions.  When he pulled away and looked at me I could see the desire in his eyes, knowing mine revealed the same.

I crashed my mouth back to his, gently rocking my hips against him.  He moaned and grabbed my ass, forcing me to go harder.  I smirked when I felt his bulge form beneath my lap, loving the power I had over him. I ran my tongue over his lips, before tangling his with mine, the lust and eagerness growing with each kiss.  There was nothing I wanted more than to see him come undone and give us both that release we were looking for, but I didn't want to rush anything.  I wanted to enjoy every last piece of this distorted dream before reality came crashing back down.  

If I was able have everything that I wanted, Harry would still be here after this night. I'd wake up to see his face in the morning, watching his eyelashes flutter as he was off in another world.  I'd lay there and listen in fascination of the words that would slip from his lips as he slept.  If I knew that tonight was going to be my last with him, I would have held him a little tighter and kissed him a moment longer. I would have spent more time memorizing the cadence of his voice as he told me he loved me. Being here with him now made me realize all the mistakes I made, and how badly I ached to fix them, because maybe then he wouldn't be leaving me. 

I soon found our bodies tangled within one another, completely exposed and vulnerable to each other's eyes and touch.  I never wanted to leave this place. I let my hands run over his face, studying the planes of his cheeks and the dip of his nose, before knotting my fingers in his mess of curls.  I committed the taste of his full lips to memory; mint and a hint of coffee.  I stared into his dark eyes, keeping the image of his love frozen so I could look back and remember it the nights when I ached to have him beside me. 

The tears fell down my face once again, as we connected ourselves for the last time; two pieces to create one soul.  My actions were slow and deliberate, trying to make the most of this opportunity.  Harry's breathing hitched, his grip on by shoulders becoming painful.  I kissed his mouth to smother his moans, feeling him bite down on my bottom lip.  I broke away to lean in close to his ear, offering soothing affirmations as we both reached our highs. His body trembled beneath mine, pulling my face so our foreheads were touching, eyes meeting.  I felt so safe and protected in his gaze, as if nothing else mattered but this feeling that we were both sharing right now. 

"I love you, Harry." I whispered, knowing I should have kept the remark to myself. His eyes filled with despair as we finished, my arms collapsing on me, leaving me resting against his chest.  I tried to steady my breathing, listening to the beating of his racing heart. Harry lifted his hands to wrap one around my waist, the other running soothing strokes into my hair. Despite the fact that my time with him was coming to an end, and I should let him go, exhaustion got the better of me and I was soon lost in a world where Harry was still mine.

The dream I was having felt so real. The way I could sense Harry laying beside me, his arms tightly holding me close while I was buried in his chest. And how I could feel his breaths on the top of my head, tickling the skin where my hair blew back and forth.  I could swear that I felt the pressure of his lips on my forehead and hear the barely there whisper of,

"I love you, always, Lou." 

But when I opened my eyes he was gone. 

Chapter Text

Harry's POV:

Boston.

A city filled with history and culture, a mix between both new and old. I loved the atmosphere that all the people surrounding me created. I was a part of something so big, yet still had that sliver of anonymity. I admit, at first I was intimidated by the hustle and bustle of the crowds of people, feeling as if they were going to swallow me up whole, but over time it gave me comfort and security. Something about it reminded me of my home in England. I had moved here four years ago to attend college for writing, and it was a decision I have never regretted. While I did miss my family and the familiarity of my home, I loved having the opportunity to start fresh in a new place, and to create a life for myself, especially after my rather complicated and eventful upbringing.

When I was ten, my parents divorced as a result to my dad's poor drinking habits. I remember the first night he came home and hit my mom. He wasn't usually a violent person, but when he drank the hard stuff things tended to get out of hand. My mom was strong, though, and refused to take that kind of treatment from him. She packed his bags and kicked him out the next day. I had no idea what to make of the situation; one minute I was cowering in the corner during their argument, and the next I was in the court room beside my sister as we dealt with the custody battle.

The divorce was hard on all of us, both emotionally and financially. When I was sixteen I got my first job working at the local bakery down the street from our house. It wasn't the best paying but it helped my mom with the bills. She did her best to support us, proving time and time again her strength and determination to give us a good life. After my dad was out of the picture, she started working two jobs; during the day she was a nurse at the hospital just outside the town limits. At night she would spend her time waitressing. I hated seeing her have to work so hard, but we had no other options. Between school and working at the bakery I couldn't afford to take up another job as much as I wanted to. My sister went down a very different route, however, often causing more trouble than not. She was fourteen when my dad left, and for a while I don't think she ever truly forgave my mom for making him leave. Her grades in school started to be negatively affected as she stayed out late into the nights with the wrong crowd.

Though I don't ever regret being there for my family, most of my teenage years revolved around me playing the role of the dad, as well as the "older" sibling. I remember waking up at night to Gemma and my mom arguing in the kitchen over her finding alcohol in her schoolbag. Or the times where I had to step between Gemma and her boyfriends who would try to take advantage of her. Mike was the worst one she brought home, though thankfully that relationship did not last long. I recall watching out the window as they pulled up in his loud, beat down truck. They were fighting when I saw him reach forward and hit her across the face. She looked at him stunned, her palms pressed against her cheek. Within minutes I had him ripped from the car and on the ground, blind with rage as I repeatedly knocked him down with more force than I thought I had inside me.

She didn't talk to me for a week after that, angered by my reaction. I didn't care though; I had watched my dad hit my mom and I'd be damned to see the same thing happen to my sister.

The worst incident happened when she was eighteen. I remember my mom getting the phone call at two in the morning, telling us that Gemma had been in a drunk driving accident and was in the emergency room. My mom broke into hysterics and I tried my best to calm her down while driving to the hospital. When we entered her room, my mom ran into Gemma's arms. I knew she was furious by her drinking, but at the moment all that mattered was that she was alive. That night was the first time I had seen my dad since the divorce. The three of us sat on the bed, each exhausted by the course of emotions that had been flowing through us, when he walked in with flowers in hand. My body went numb; I almost didn't recognize him. He was thinner, and looked much older than he should after only four years. I attributed that to the drinking.

My mom rushed out with him into the hallway, afraid that if Gemma woke up and saw him that she'd have a breakdown. I sat there watching as they fought, my mom ripping the flowers from his hands and throwing them on the cold tiled floor. He looked at me and in that moment I felt for him; I would never excuse his behaviors or what he did to my mom, but here was this broken man, an outsider to his own family. I had the memories of our childhood to remember him by, but right now the man in front of me was nothing but a stranger. I was the one who took care of my mom and sister; the one making sure they were protected and cared for. Not him who was off doing God knows what for four years.

Things changed after that night. Gemma finally had her wake up call and started to begin living her life. She finished high school and went on to college for teaching. Today she was living in a small apartment back home with her boyfriend of two years. I couldn't have been more relieved when she met Jamie, who was a stark contrast to her previous boyfriends. If I didn't know any better, I suspected that he was going to propose to her very soon.

Like Gemma, school became my first priority, and I knew that if I was going to go to college I needed scholarships more than anything. When my senior year came around I found myself yearning to study in America; wanting nothing more than to escape this town for a while, despite the fact that I would be leaving my mother behind. I remember one night my mom came home from work and placed an envelope on my lap as I was studying. I had no idea what to expect, but with the excitement radiating from her entire body I knew it was something good. When I opened it I saw the plane ticket to Boston that left a week from that day. My mom had saved up her tip money for months in order to buy me this ticket to tour colleges in America. I refused to accept it at first, telling her to refund the ticket and use the money for herself. Being the stubborn woman that she is, she wouldn't hear of it and practically packed my bags herself.

When I arrived in Boston I knew that I had found my escape; I loved the people and shops and atmosphere. I applied to UMass and was ecstatic that I was accepted into the writing program. After high school, I reluctantly said goodbye to my sister and mother and headed off to an entire new world. College was both the best and worst thing I had ever experienced. Between the intense course work and multiple jobs that I had to apply to in order to pay tuition, I had aged at least fifteen years. Regardless, I wouldn't change one minute of it because I realized more than ever how much I had loved writing. It had always been my favorite thing to do, whether it be poems I'd jot down while pretending to pay attention in lectures, or the short stories I'd eagerly try to finish late into the nights. It allowed me the chance to open up and expose myself in a way that had meaning and purpose; a look inside my deepest thoughts and desires. Regardless the significance of the words I'd written, they gave me a sense of calmness.

With college graduation finally checked off the list, I was lucky enough to be offered a job at a small newspaper just outside the city limits. When I was a Junior, I worked at an internship for the same company. It started off as a small role, such as running errands or rushing to grab trays of coffee. The following year I was once again offered a position there, though this time with more freedom to write. During my final month working, just before graduation, I wrote an article and submitted it to the paper. My boss was unexpectedly surprised by my abilities, and referred me to another branch for an official position after graduation. It was an opportunity I could not turn down as college students weren't given many, and I had no place to be picky. As long as I was writing I didn't care where I was.

After graduation, I took a few months off to spend some time back home before starting my new job; eager to be back in the familiar town and comfort of my mom and sister. When my alotted time off came to a close I began searching for apartments in the Boston area. To my surprise we found one just a short drive from both the UMass campus as well as the company that I would be working for. It was small, but was cheap enough to afford on my minimal salary.

I sighed and looked up at the streetlight, watching as it turned green, before signaling onto the street of the apartment. I had been here once before to get a quick walk through of the place, and immediately knew it was the one. What I loved about it was the character and homey feel it offered. It was already furnished, which I was thankful for. I had barely enough money to afford this place, thanks to the thousands of dollars of debt I now owed for my education.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I grabbed a box from the back of my car and headed up the small black stairwell leading to the apartment. I fiddled with the keys, trying to balance the box on my knee. Opening the door, I flipped on the lights and took in my new home. The walls were washed red brick, covered with black and white photographs of the city. The ceilings had exposed beams that made the room seem bigger than it actually was.

After several more trips back down to my car, I finally had all of my belongings placed in my apartment. I took time to put everything in its new place, though it wasn't a lot considering most of it had all once been stored in my small dorm room.

I decided to leave the rest of the unpacking until after work tomorrow, and headed towards the bedroom. The apartment only consisted of a kitchen, living room, bathroom and one bedroom, but it had an open concept and flowed easily from one room to the next. The bed was a simple mattress on a wooden frame, rising only a foot or two above the ground. I wasn't picky on the furniture that the place offered, knowing perfectly well that if it hadn't been furnished I would be sleeping on the floor right now.

I quickly turned over in bed and fell asleep, trying to ignore the odd sounds coming from the living room.

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When I got up in the morning the nerves kicked in. I had no idea what to wear, finally settling on black jeans, a white button down and black boots. They assured me when I went for the interview that this wasn't a suit and tie kind of company, which worked in my favor considering I didn't even own a suit.

I grabbed my keys off the counter, along with my brown bag and headed out the door, making a mental note to stop at the coffee shop around the corner.

Last night was not a particularly good night. I didn't know what it was that kept me tossing and turning; the fact that I was in a strange new place, or the random noises I'd hear in the living room. I wasn't one to readily blame the paranormal, so I tried to dismiss them as old pipes rattling. But every once and a while I'd think I hear a voice, making me jump up in bed thinking someone had broken in. I'd definitely have to invest in a baseball bat to keep beneath my bed.

When I got to the office, I attempted to push aside my nerves and appear calm and confident as I walked through the glass doors and to the front desk. The woman behind it offered me a warm smile and told me to take a seat after giving my name. I waited until my boss appeared around the corner, extending his hand. I stood up and shook it, returning the gesture.

"Mr. Styles, how are you?"

"I'm great, Mr. Jamieson. Excited to be here." I said, trying not to sound too eager.

"Well we're glad to have you here. Come with me and I'll show you to your work space. It's not much, but you'll have a desk and computer." He said, leading me down a hallway and too a room filled with people. Everyone seemed to be lost in their own world, whether they be typing furiously onto the keys of their computers, or rushing in and out of offices with stacks of paper placed messily within their hands.

"Now I expect you to have your piece completed on time and in my office for review. As your time here continues and if things seem to be going well, then you'll be given more freedom to write what you please. For now you'll be focusing on the topics that I'll provide you in advance. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." Mr. Jamieson said, giving me one last smile before heading back out from where we came.

I was feeling overwhelmed by my very brief, yet slightly intimidating exchange with my boss, and the back and forth that was occurring all throughout the room was enough to drive me mad. I took a deep breath and sat down at my desk, noticing a small post it note placed on the screen of the computer.

Your first assignment:

Student loans affect on the economy

Mr. J

Go figure.

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I walked in the front door, throwing my keys on the coffee table besides the couch, and kicking off my shoes. Today was not at all how I expected it to be. For the longest time I had the crazy notion that after graduation I'd be offered my dream job and would be writing novels and publishing books that I had spent so much time and effort working on. Little did I know how wrong I could be. There was nothing exciting and glamorous about sitting in a room with twenty other people, trying to figure out how to discuss student loans. The topic itself made me cringe.

As I passed through the living room, I noticed something in the mirror. It was fast and I wasn't even sure I saw it, but it appeared to be a shadow walking by. I shook my head and chuckled to myself; must be the ghosts. I dismissed what I thought I saw, and grabbed a beer out of the fridge, before heading into the bedroom.

After the less than thrilling day that I had, I figured what better else to do than to write. I set my bottle on the brown desk across from the bed, and searched through my the boxes I hadn't yet unpacked for my brown leather notepad. Maybe it was cliche of me to keep one, but I liked the idea of actually writing down what I was thinking. Typing on a laptop didn't compare to the feeling I'd get when trying to eagerly write down the thoughts that seemed to want to jump right onto the paper, often leading me to getting ahead of myself. Or the ink spots that would cover the pages and my aching hands. There was an art to it, one which I greatly appreciated.

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Louis' POV:

"Hey watch where you're going, asshole."

Oh the joys of living in such a heavily populated city as Boston. Sidewalks filled with tourists and college students, cars lining the streets. I guess there was a beauty too it, though, with its history and the varieties of life it possessed.

I held onto my camera a little tighter as I aimed it at small girl on her fathers shoulders in the park. With one simple click came a new memory. That was a big reason I went into photography. Life was such an incredible gift; offering all kinds of opportunities and experiences, and being able to capture these moments made them all the more special. I loved people watching, especially in a city like Boston where new people and situations were always around. Maybe taking photos of strangers was slightly taboo, but they fascinated me.

Boston had been my home for my entire life, and despite the occasional rude tourist, nothing was more beautiful than seeing the streets lit up at sunset. The area never failed to amaze me despite my familiarity with it. I grew up in a small home just outside the city borders with my mother and five sisters. My dad died in a car accident when I was six, and I honestly don't remember much about him. After he died my mom struggled to support us on her salary as an elementary school principal, which left my grandparents to become an extremely influential and important part of our lives. I'd remember coming home off the bus to see my grandmother in the kitchen preparing dinner while my grandfather read the newspaper in the living room beside the fireplace. Having them there became an act of normalcy and habit, so when they passed away a huge part of our home was missing. By that time I was old enough to start working, and spent my time busing tables at the coffee shop down the road to help my mom pay the bills.

My sisters were a handful, though God knows I love them. They tried their best to help out in any way that they could, but it usually resulted in an argument or someone getting offended by another's words. We had always been close though, confiding in one another when times got hard. I was not ashamed to admit that these six women were my best friends and I cared for them more than anything.

When I graduated high school, and college came around I knew that I had no intention of leaving them. I applied to UMass Boston and am currently studying photography in my senior year. Most people dismissed my career choice by saying that there was no value to it, but I knew they were wrong. I received my first Polaroid camera when I was twelve. It was a Christmas gift from my grandparents, and I immediately fell in love with taking pictures. I loved catching people while they were laughing or my sisters when they were in a heated argument. It soon became more than just a hobby, and something that I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

While at college, I had specific assignments I'd have to complete, demonstrating my capabilities as a photographer and student. But outside of the lecture halls, I worked freelance, giving me the chance to capture any moment I wanted, whenever. I was lucky enough to even have several of my photos presented at showcases and sold off.

The cool fall air blew the colored leaves off the trees, landing along the stone walkways in the park. People took their time walking along the paths, some stopping to sit on benches or throw coins into the fountain. I raised my camera at a couple who were standing beneath a streetlight, gently wrapped in one another's arms. The act was so simple, yet spoke a thousand words when looking back at the photograph. With one click, I smiled to myself and turned away, heading back towards my apartment.

I pulled my jacket up a little higher, noticing how quickly the sun was setting. The walk back was short, only a few blocks, which I was thankful for as the cool air nipped at my skin. When I opened the door to the apartment, I flipped on the lights and walked over to my camera case. After removing the film, I carefully placed the camera back inside and put it up on the shelf with the others. I guess you could say I was a bit of a collector, taking the time to search for vintage cameras to use. Each one performed the same act, yet could make a photo look so different.

I jumped slightly when I heard a noise coming from the living room. There was a bang, then a soft voice. My heart quickened at the thought of someone breaking in, as I reached behind my bedroom door for the baseball bat I kept. I walked into the room, noticing no one was there. I sighed in relief after searching the apartment, placing the bat alongside the coffee table. When I looked up, however, I noticed a shadow walk past the mirror. I almost didn't see it, but it was definitely there. I dismissed the thought and figured I must have been tired and imagining things.

Kicking off my shoes, I laid down on the black leather couch and fell asleep.

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There it was again. A loud banging, like someone was in the apartment. I jumped up from the couch, noticing the bright sun shining through the window. I hadn't planned on sleeping on the couch all night, not realizing how tired I really must have been.

When I stood up, I noticed the mirror once again. I walked forward, seeing the figure reappear. Looking behind me, I didn't see anyone, but when I returned to the reflection I saw the bright green eyes of man in front of me.

Chapter Text

The loud bass of the club shook Louis' chest, making his heart seem as if it was pumping along to the beat.  This wasn't exactly how he envisioned spending his birthday, but it seemed his friends had other ideas. Not that he could necessarily complain; having extremely attractive half naked men grind against you wasn't exactly a tragedy.  The club was dim, except for the stage lights which pulsed to the music, making the room a green and yellow.  It seemed a little tacky, but by the way the audience was enjoying the performer they didn't look like they minded. 

"Come on, Lou, we're front and center!" Niall said against Louis' ear over the music.  He took his arm and led him down, following behind Liam who was cheering the man on stage on. Louis laughed and grabbed a drink from one of the serving trays and quickly downed its contents, knowing that he would need alcohol in his system if he was going to fully enjoy tonight. He cringed against the burn, not knowing what he just drank but prayed it was enough to get a buzz started soon.

They took their seats just a few feet from the stage, and Louis could feel the heat of the lights radiating from the platform.  He looked over at Niall who was calling over a waitress. She had hot pink hair that was cut in a short bob, making him think that it was a wig.  Her skirt was impossibly short, and was attached to a pair of black knee highs. Niall must be getting her number; figures.  Louis rolled his eyes and smirked, looking back to the man on stage who was wearing a Tarzan themed costume and currently straddling the lap of a middle aged woman who had no shame as he grinded his hips against her, her hands tightly palming his ass.  Her friends hollered and placed singles in his loin cloth, all while ogling the muscular man.  He was attractive, no doubt about it, but Louis wasn't typically into the overly muscular juice heads who spent all their time at the gym.  His tan looked fake and too greasy with the oil covering it.  

Louis was surprised by something being placed on his head, then two hands gripping his shoulders.  He turned around and saw the waitress with the pink hair,

"Happy Birthday, big boy." she whispered, placing a kiss on his cheek and a drink in his hand.  He reached up and touched his head, pulling the object off to reveal a large gold crown.  He turned and looked over at Niall and Liam who were laughing, reaching over to clap him on the back.  

"Maybe they'll give you a special dance, now." Niall called out, winking.  Louis prayed that if that were the case, it would not be from greasy Tarzan.  He placed the crown back on his head and downed the shot, feeling a warm buzz begin to course through his stomach and chest.  Whatever he drank before was finally kicking in, making him relax his tense shoulders and enjoy the end of the performance.  

The lighting of the stage turned to a deep pink and purple, and Louis immediately recognized the song as Super massive Black Hole by Muse.  He half expected another version of the previous Tarzan to walk out, but was struck by the beautiful man sauntering out onto the stage.  The spotlight hit him, making Louis subconsciously sit up higher in his seat.  The man was tall and lean, unlike the other performer.  His long chestnut curls fell to his shoulders, and looked softer than anything Louis could imagine.  His emerald eyes were flames in his face, set above high cheekbones and a full mouth that should be a sin. He began swaying his hips to the beat, slowly trailing his hand down to grip his crotch which was covered in a pair of tight black dress pants.   He wore a black business suit, though was bare chested with the exception of a hot pink tie around is neck.  As he came closer, Louis caught the performers eye.  He winked and ripped off his jacket, revealing a toned body, etched in black ink.  Tattoos scattered his arm and chest, a set of ferns resting right between his deep V-lines.  Louis couldn't help but stare at the way the man moved around the stage with a confidence that left Louis sweating.  When the beat picked up, the man tore off his pants and threw them into the audience which earned an excited call from a group of women who caught them. Louis laughed at the way they fought over the material and turned his attention back to the performer, who was now wearing tight leather wrist cuffs to match his leather booty shorts, and looking him dead in the eye.  Louis squirmed in his seat as he danced over to him, never breaking eye contact.  The man reached up and ran his fingers painfully slow through his rich brown curls, biting his lip and throwing Louis a wink. 

Louis' face heated as the man walked down the three steps up to the stage and positioned himself right in front of him.  He turned to Niall and Liam panicked, but they didn't seem to care as they cheered the him on, eyes wet from laughing too hard.  He tried to swallow, his mouth suddenly becoming dry, his heart racing as the man was now a stepping forward to straddle his lap.  Louis quickly reached over and finished the drink he hadn't noticed was placed there, and looked up at the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen.  Despite the setting and circumstance, there was a innocent and boyish quality to the man's face.  He peered down at Louis through long black lashes and smiled, revealing two large dimples.  His smile was breath taking and made Louis' heart quicken as the man grinded his hips against Louis' hardening bulge.  Louis tried to focus on calming down, but with the way the man was moving and breathing against his neck, he struggled to keep focus. 

"Is the birthday boy having a good time?" The man said hotly against Louis' ear. His voice was deep and smooth, a rasp to it that made Louis imagine what he would sound like in bed.  He couldn't respond, but nodded quickly, making the man chuckle.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? That's okay, I only bite a little." He teased, nipping Louis playfully along his ear and down his neck. Louis closed his eyes and tried to stop the moan that threatened to spill from his lips.  Louis would definitely have to thank Niall and Liam for his birthday dance. 

"You don't have to play shy, love. Go ahead and touch." The man said, pulling away to grab Louis' hands and place them directly on his ass. Louis froze, not knowing what to do. His face was hot, too hot, but he didn't know if that was from the alcohol, embarrassment, or a reaction to the beautiful man on his lap. His inner conflict ended abruptly when the dancer deepened his movements and lowered himself even more onto Louis' crotch, sending the blood rushing straight to his dick, making Louis instinctively grasp his ass hard. The man jerked at the action but when Louis looked into his eyes he saw how dark with lust they had become, the green emeralds changing to a black holes.  

"Goddamn, you're hot like this. Those eyes-" The man said against Louis' ear, making him widen in shock.  He looked around to see if anyone had heard what he said, relief washing over him when he noticed his friends doubling over in laughter. Louis never thought strip clubs got this intense, and never did he expect to have a half naked man on hip lap making him hard.  The man ran his hands up Louis' shirt and back down, gently grazing his nipples. He closed his eyes in response, only to be surprised by the man getting off his lap to squat in front of Louis' legs, spreading them apart to dance between them. He stared up at Louis with a darkness that seemed to consume Louis whole. He had to keep his mind from wandering and going too deep, imaging the man on his knees, full mouth wrapped tightly around him while Louis tugged on his curls making him go faster. He dismissed his thought and realized he had enough of the man's teasing, and wasn't sure if the alcohol was causing his thoughts, but pushed his hesitancy aside and gripped the mans curls, satisfied by how right he was on their softness.  He tugged earnestly, which made the man look at Louis with surprise, and appeared to be turned on by the act.  He closed his eyes and let out a moan that only Louis could hear, but enough to make him lean forward and kiss the dancers full lips.  The man was surprised at first, but quickly knotted his hands in Louis' hair, deepening the kiss. Louis' felt the man's tongue slip into his mouth, tangling with his own.  He could hear Niall and Liam yell out in surprise, the roar of the audience wild. None of it mattered though, because Louis felt like he was on fire. 

"What are you?" He asked, breathless, pulling away from the man to rest his face against his shoulder, noting that he smelt like vanilla and oddly, strawberries. 

"I could be your goodnight." He answered, making Louis' heart race.  What did he mean? The man seemed to sense his confusion and leaned forward, 

"How about I give this birthday boy a real show, tonight? Take me home with you." He said, though Louis knew from the way he was looking up at him that he wasn't joking. Without Louis realizing it, the song had ended, leaving the crowd on their feet hollering at the scene he and the dancer had just caused.  The man stood up but looked at Louis expectedly.  Louis did something he never would have done if it weren't for the alcohol, and got up from his chair to be pressed tight against the sweaty man, reaching up to grip the man's curls tightly and bring him forward, crashing his lips to the performer's once again.  There was no hesitation this time, just a need that was fierce between the two of them. The crowd seemed to sense their tension, and the clapping only increased.  When Louis pulled away the man's eyes were wide, his lips a deep red from the intensity of the kiss. Louis had the upper hand now, and he was loving it. 

"I guess I'll have to see if those hips are just show or if they really know what they're doing. Meet me out back after your shift. I'll be waiting." Louis whispered, before pulling away and sitting back down. The man was clearly stunned, but soon gained his composure and smirked, before turning to walk back up the stairs, taking a bow to each side of the room, making sure to stare Louis in the eye once he faced him.  

Louis' heart pounded in his chest at the realization of what happened.  He looked down and groaned in embarrassment and frustration at the very obvious bulge in his pants.  He adjusted his jeans to relieve some pressure and turned to look over at Niall and Liam, both of whose faces were stunned.  

"Louis, what was that?" Liam asked incredulously. 

"What do you mean? You guys didn't plan that? I thought-" Louis stopped when he saw both boys shaking their heads. 

"We asked the waitress about a birthday special, and she just said she'd give us a round of drinks on the house. Whatever happened was all you two. I mean Jesus, lou, he was all over you.  That wasn't just a dance, that guy wanted your shit, and going by your reaction it was a mutual feeling." Niall said smirking, scanning over Louis' flushed face and blown out eyes.  Confusion and bewilderment filled Louis' mind.  That wasn't planned...everything that happened was all that performer.  But why though? Maybe it was the crown that drew his attention? Scanning around the room, however, Louis noticed that several other people adorned similar pieces.  Everything that had happened wasn't an act, then, that man was just as attracted to Louis as he was to him. 

Louis' stomach dropped at the realization that he had agreed to meet the man after the show, which was winding down to a close. Could he really do this? Could he actually take this strange man home, while very close to being fully intoxicated? Almost as if on cue, Louis locked eyes with the beautiful man on the side of the stage, who gave him a playful wink and a knowing smile.  Oh yeah, he could do this. 

As the show came to a close, the alcohol in Louis' system seemed to heighteen his confidence, making him more and more anxious for his meeting with the green eyed dancer.  When the lights came back on and the crowds died out, he turned to Niall and Liam.

"Guys, I'm going to hang out here for a bit. I need to- just go ahead without me and I'll catch up with you tomorrow." Louis rushed out, hoping they wouldn't press any further.  

"Going for round two, Tomlinson?" Niall teased, patting him on the back.  Louis rolled his eyes and ushered the two out the entrance, thanking them for the interesting night out.  When he walked back into the club he saw that he was the only one there, aside from a few waitresses cleaning up. Where exactly was he supposed to meet this man? 

"Looking for me?" A deep voice called out from behind him. Louis turned towards it and saw the man leaning against the back bar, arms at either side, resting in a perfect picture of ease.  He smiled and walked forward, dressed in tight black jeans, and a flowy cream colored top that was unbuttoned to mid chest, a dark blue jacket fitting him perfectly and ending at his knee.   

"I never properly introduced myself, I'm Harry Styles." The man said, extending his hand which wore several silver rings.  Louis returned the gesture, noticing how much larger Harry's hands were in comparison to his own. 

"Louis Tomlinson." 

"Well it's nice to formally meet you, Louis.  So what do you say? Birthday boy still up for a treat?" Harry said, making Louis flush in anticipation.  If the performance Harry gave earlier was any indication of what the rest of the night looked like, Louis knew he was ready for whatever Harry would give. 

"You sure you still have enough in you? That was quite a performance you gave up there." Louis said, stepping closer. Harry smiled, going along with their game. 

"I don't wear out easily, Lou. But in my defense, it wasn't just me out there. You and your friend," eyeing Louis' dick, "seemed to be quite entertained." 

"Don't flatter yourself, those moves were amateur at best." Louis replied, internally surprised by his newfound confidence, though loving the encounter with Harry.  There was something about him and his too bright eyes and dimpled smile that left Louis wanting more.  

"The hard on I felt against me says otherwise." 

"I guess we'll just have to put it to the test then." 

"Is that a challenge, Louis?" 

"Only if you're up for it." 

With that Harry closed the distance between him and Louis and kissed him with a force that knocked Louis momentarily off balance.  Almost on instinct, Louis' hands found themselves wrapped around Harry's wild head of hair, willing him closer.  Harry's tongue teased Louis' lips before he finally allowed him entrance, sighing into the movement.  The need between them grew as the kiss was filled with a desperation and ferocity that set the room ablaze.  Louis slowed down, dragging hit teeth along Harry's full bottom lip, making Harry moan softly.  When he looked up, he was stunned by the wide eyed beauty in front of him.  Lips swollen and red, cheeks flushed, hair even more disheveled from Louis' hands being knotted in it.  Harry was like no one Louis had ever seen, and he couldn't wait to explore every perfect piece of him.  

"Styles, take the show someplace else, we're closing up!" A voice boomed over the speaker, making Louis jump.  Harry snapped out of his dreamy state and looked away from Louis and to the stage where a big burly man had his arms crossed over his chest, though a smile on his face. Harry gave him a nod, breaking into a small smile himself, before taking Louis' hand and leading him out the door.  

"Where are we going?" Louis asked, as they exited the dark studio and the cold winter air hit his face, sobering him up slightly.  

"My place. Taxi!" He called out, waving down a cab that was just down the street.  When he was sure he got the drivers attention he turned back to Louis, eyes changing from lust filled to concern. 

"Are you cold?" He asked, moving as if to remove his own jacket to give to Louis. Louis quickly stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine, thank you though." Harry smiled, and shrugged back into his jacket.  Louis watched him, studying the way his broad shoulders moved, the side of his neck exposed, making Louis want to kiss along his sharp jawline, marking him so he'd know he was his, at least for the night. Harry smirked at Louis' ogling and stepped forward, making Louis back into a wall.  He rested his hands on either side of Louis' head, leaning into the smaller mans neck, hot breath against cold skin.  

"Like what you see?" He said gruffly, biting Louis' neck before licking the mark and kissing it gently. The act sent chills down Louis' spine, from both pain the pleasure.  

"I can't wait to get you home, it should be a sin to look like this." Louis said quietly, his voice breathless as he closed his eyes in response to the second bite Harry placed on his skin. Louis reached down and cupped Harry's ass, pressing his hips into the man above him.  He could feel his dick twitch at the movement. Harry groaned and pulled back quickly, taking Louis' hand and dragging him into the back of the taxi.  

"Evening, fellas, where to?" The man in the front seat asked, and Louis watched as Harry leaned forward to tell the driver his address, admiring the way his tussled curls fell past his shoulder, a nice contrast against his soft ivory skin.  When he turned back to Louis his eyes looked brighter than the stars above them.  

Louis swallowed the lump in his throat that told him this was wrong, and climbed on top of Harry lap, easing himself down gently, loving the startled reaction he got from Harry. What he didn't expect, however, was the soft look the man was giving him.  He reached up to gently run his thumb along Louis' lips, then against his cheek.  Louis turned his head into the movement, the side of his face resting into Harry's large hand.  Harry smiled smally then gripped the back of Louis' neck and returned his mouth to his.  The kiss was slow and deliberate, unlike the eagerness before.  While the other made electricty flow through Louis' veins like lightening in a summer storm, this one was a subtle fire like the setting sun that kindled the evening sky, slowly and beautifully setting the clouds ablaze. 

"Hey, watch the seats!" The driver said, noting the two men's new position.  Harry chucked against Louis' lips, nipping at his tender lips.  Louis removed his and lifted Harry's head, exposing his neck.  He leaned down and ran his tongue along the smooth skin, blowing cool air against the now wet surface. Harry shuddered but remained still, running his hands up Louis' thighs as he sucked on the spot just under the crook of Harry's jaw.  

"I don't usually do this sort of thing." Louis confessed after a few minutes of kissing Harry, burying his face in his curls. Harry pulled away and looked him deep in the eye as if searching for something.  

"What made this time different?" He asked, voice even deeper than before.  Louis tried to brush away how the rasp to his voice made him feel, and instead ran his finger down the mans nose, touching the bow in his upper lip.  Harry tilted his mouth up and kissed the pad of Louis' finger, before pulling it into his mouth and sucking on it. Louis' breathing hitched, as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"I don't know, there's just something about you.  I can't put my finger on it, but I knew I just needed more." He answered, feeling Harry's tongue swirl around the tip of his finger then dragging it out of his mouth slowly.  

"Well aren't I special, then." Harry said, just as the cab pulled to a stop outside and apartment building.  Louis recognized it, as it was only a few blocks from his own.  He slid off Harry's lap and looked over at the driver who had an expression of annoyance on his face.  Louis gave him an apologetic smile before exiting the car and following Harry who leaned into the cab window and paid.  Louis nuzzled further into his jacket, fighting the bitter winter wind.  Harry took his hand and led him up the short stone steps, before opening the heavy wrought iron gates the to entrance of the glass door.  The lobby was small and clean, couches of white and black were positioned next to tables covered in flowers and magazines.  The front desk was unoccupied, as Harry headed towards the elevator.  Once the doors opened the larger man shoved the smaller through the doors with a force that would have been violent, had he not been there to catch him and ease the blow to press him to the wall.  

Louis grunted against the movement, but stared up at Harry who smiled down at him, brushing the fringe out of his blue eyes.  Louis blushed under the attention Harry was giving him, and watched as the numbers above the door reached the eighth floor.  When the doors opened, Harry pulled away, through never releasing Louis' hand.  He made his way to the end of the hall, the last apartment on the floor which was placed right next to a large window that led to a fire escape.  Harry fished his key out of his pocket, opening the door to envelope the two of them in complete darkness.  The room was silent, with the exception of their breaths which were starting to quicken in anticipation.  Harry didn't turn on the lights, but instead gripped Louis' hips from behind, making Louis relax against his gentle touch. He craned his neck to the side as Harry kissed beneath his ear, walking them forward to his bedroom just down the hall.  It was a large room, with a huge white bed that looked like a cloud. His walls were bare with the exception of a few paintings and a bookshelf overflowing with various titles. The moon illuminated the space, and Harry reached over to flip a switch which brought his attention to the small fairy lights hanging around the room.  It was something that he didn't expect to see, but somehow suited the room and the man behind him.

Louis turned around to face Harry and quickly started to remove his navy jacket, allowing it to drop to the floor and pool at their feet.  Louis was next, and his jean jacket was thrown to the ground, along with his black sweater which Harry helped him take off.  Harry led Louis backwards to the bed, making sure to guide him until he was safely positioned at the end.  He pushed him down, and Louis leaned back, resting on his arms as he watched the man in front of him slowly unzip his impossibly tight pants, noticing the small bulge beginning to form in his black briefs.  He kicked the pants to the side then got on his knees, never breaking Louis' greedy stare.  He undid the button and belt of Louis' jeans, sliding them down, until they were at his feet, then trailed his hands up his legs until he reached Louis' thighs.  His hands slid under the thin material of his briefs, teasing the area with his long fingers.  Louis could feel himself hardening as Harry planted hungry kisses up the tender skin, pressing his hand against Louis' chest to lay him down.  He continued his movements slowly, his hot breath and tongue grazing Louis' dick.  He squirmed against the sheets, Harry moving up to lick the trail of hair below Louis' navel, then nipped the smooth skin of his toned stomach.  Louis felt the fire awakening him as Harry bit each of his nipples before finally easing himself fully on top of Louis, hands pressed to either side of his face.

Louis couldn't help but admire the beautiful man above him with the moonlight illuminating his figure.  The alcohol had almost fully worn off, but Louis new that he wouldn't change anything now that he was sober.  He may not have done this type of thing often, but looking at Harry there was no other place he wanted to spend his birthday.  Nothing compared to the way the man looked at him with such lust and desire, or the way his skin felt like both fire and ice against his touch.  Harry was otherworldly and Louis was content to have a small sliver of it.  

"You're so beautiful, Louis. I may make this seem like all fun and games, but I do hope you know that." Harry said before attaching his lips to Louis'. The comment made Louis' heart race and reach up to cup the mans face, pulling him down so his warm body was flushed to his own.  He needed to be closer, it wasn't enough.  Nothing was.  He wanted to feel Harry all around him, to be consumed by him and everything that he was.  

"God, Louis, you're driving me crazy." Harry moaned as Louis' palmed his ass tightly, kneading the soft area.  Louis bucked his hips up, rubbing his dick against Harry's, both sighing into the action, their movements becoming less deliberate and more sloppy, filled with a hunger that appeared to have an aggressive appetite.  

"Harry, I need to-" Louis started, but Harry understood, placing a deep kiss to his lips one last time before reaching over to the side table drawer.  Louis watched as he pulled out a condom and a tube of lube, shifting to a sitting position and giving the man a curios look. 

"do you top?" Louis asked, watching as the man tore open the black wrapper with his teeth, throwing it to the floor.  Harry shook his head, 

"Not usually, but with an ass like yours I think I'd like to make an exception if you don't mind." Harry smirked, sending Louis' stomach into somersaults at the thought of Harry inside him.  Louis nodded in agreement, eyes wide as he watched Harry remove his briefs, his large hand rolling the condom on to his dick.  Louis moved up to the the top of the bed, and grabbed a pillow, placing it under his ass.  Harry crawled over, leaning above Louis' small frame, while his hand eased between Louis' cheeks to spread the lube.  He tensed at the action, trying to relax against the foreign feeling before Harry pulled away and slicked his dick with the substance.  Louis spread his legs, allowing Harry to place himself between them.  

"Time to put those hips of yours to the test, Styles." Louis said. Harry smirked, but his eyes were cautious. He leaned down and grazed his lips against Louis'.

"If I hurt you at all tell me and we can switch.  I want the birthday boy to enjoy himself." Harry said, closing the distance between them to reattach his lips.  Louis felt Harry's dick rub against his ass, before a large hand reached down and eased it into Louis.  His eyes squeezed shut, body frozen at the feeling of Harry gently easing himself inside.  

"You're so tight." Harry moaned, sending chills down Louis' spine.  Harry sensed Louis' discomfort and waited for him to adjust to the feeling, running his fingers through the blue eyed boys fringe, giving him a sense of comfort.  When Louis' body relaxed, he gave Harry a nod and bucked his hips up to show he was ready.  Harry slid himself in farther, making Louis moan loudly and scratch his nails down Harry's back. He hissed at the act, but continued to pump in and out.  Each thrust sent Louis deeper into a state of bliss, the noises falling from Harry's sinful lips on heightening his arousal.  

"Kiss me, please." Louis begged, needing to feel the boys mouth against his own.  Harry eagerly complied, sucking on Louis' bottom lip, biting down to the point where Louis could taste blood.  Harry ran his tongue over the surface before picking up his movements.  Louis gripped the sheets tightly, feeling himself getting closer to the edge, a warmth building in the pit of his stomach.  

"I'm close, Louis, God I-" Harry let out in a whimper, opening his eyes to peer down at Louis. He immediately noticed how dark Harry's green eyes had become, revealing how vulnerable he truly felt at this moment.  The way Harry's eye lashes fluttered against his cheek as he bit down on his full bottom lip was enough to send Louis over the edge, legs shaking, back arching.  Harry let out a load groan, quickly following behind Louis.  He felt Harry's thrusts become messy as he rode out his high, taking Louis' hand in his own, connecting them in every way. 

When they both finished, Harry collapsed onto Louis' sweaty chest, breathless and bliss filled. Louis ran his fingers through his damp curls which were matted to his forehead. 

"That was amazing, Lou." Harry mumbled out, Louis flushed at the nickname. The boy on top turned up, resting his head on his hand and looking up at Louis with dreamy eyes. The way he looked at him made Louis' heart flicker. Why was he looking at him like that? 

"Why did you target me at the club, Harry? They're were plenty of other people vying for your attention." Louis asked, as Harry continued to admire without shame, smiling softly. 

"You were the first person I saw when I came out. Under the stage lights everything is usually just kind of a blur, only getting small glimpses of people when they flash by, but you were there and you were all I could see.  I couldn't look away, as cliche as that sounds.  All I kept thinking was 'damn that man is fit'." Louis scoffed and playfully swatted at Harry, earning a chuckle from the boy. 

"So im only good for my body then? Is that it?" Louis teased, but Harry shook his head in reassurance. 

"I wanted to mess with you at first, you seemed a little uncomfortable, so I figured why not give him a proper show? But as I got closer, well you know what happened from there." Harry explained and Louis looked at him curiously, not knowing what to make of Harry's thoughts. Instead he gripped the boys chin and leaned down to press a soft kiss to his swollen lips. Harry sighed and pulled away, removing himself from Louis' embrace.  He got up from the bed and threw the used condom in the trash, walking to the bathroom.  He left the door open, leaving Louis to watch as Harry pulled his loose curls into a bun on top of his head, then turned the faucet on to rinse his face.  

"Can I ask you something?" Louis started as Harry walked back into the room.  He returned to the bed and covered himself with the thick white blanket, pulling Louis close to his side to nuzzle his face into his hair. 

"Ask me anything you'd like." 

"Why stripping? I mean you seem like an intelligent person, you're gorgeous, a charmer..why not another career option? Nothing is wrong with what you do, don't think I'm knocking you down, but I- I'm just curious." Louis explained, hoping Harry wouldn't take offense to his question. Harry thought for a moment,

"It's honestly just good money.  I agree it's not the most glamorous of jobs, but it pays well, keeps me healthy and fit, and I get to entertain people. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind for myself, but for the time being it works for me and my life." This sent Louis' mind reeling in a hundred directions, wanting to ask more about the mystery man beside him, though afraid to overstep his limits. This was just supposed to be a one night stand type of thing. 

"What did you want to do? Like for a career, originally?" Louis pressed. Harry didn't seem to mind though as he traced the outline of Louis' lips, watching the way they moved when he spoke. 

"Like I said, I like entertaining people. Always had the crazy dream of performing, singing on stage. It's far fetched I know, but someday I'd like to think I could do it." Louis smiled at the confession, thinking his dream was sweet. 

"It's not crazy. When I was younger I wanted to be Batman, not very rational. You, though, you have a shot. Don't sell yourself short. I've seen people go from nothing to creating businesses for themselves. Anything can happen." 

Harry smiled and hugged Louis tighter.  He should feel uncomfortable at the idea of this interaction with a stranger, but Louis couldn't be more opposite. Harry oddly enough made him feel at ease, like they had been old friends.  

"Will you spend the night, Lou? I'm know you said you don't usually do this, but I- it's nice having company." Harry asked, though any previous confidence he had before was washed away by his hesitant and shy demeanor. 

"I take it you don't bring people home often either then?" Louis asked, both joking and curious. With Harry's job he must have people begging to spend the night with him, so Louis thought he must just be another lucky person who got to share a night with the beautiful dancer.  The idea made him slightly jealous, though he wasn't sure why.

"No, actually. Despite what you may think, I live a fairly boring life. I go to work at night, take a few courses at the community college throughout the week, spend my free time with family or writing music. Nothing very exotic about this dancer." 

Louis was surprised by Harry's confession, though content with the fact that he was the exception. He had so much more to ask Harry about his life; what he was studying, what type of music he wrote, but he knew it wasn't his place to pry, and judging by the way Harry's body was relaxing, he was not far from sleep. 

"I'm a bit of a bed hog.." Louis warned instead, teasing half heartedly, wanting to actually stay in the warm bed with Harry. He enjoyed the company too. 

"I'm a bit of a cuddler, so I think we can make it work." Harry chuckled and laid down fully, turning on his side so Louis was flushed against him.  He was facing away from Harry, who rested his chin on top of Louis' head, and wrapped his arm around the smaller boys waist.  Louis found the act comforting and safe.  He never had someone hold him this way. 

"I'll make you breakfast in the morning. What do you like? " Harry yawned out, his breaths becoming more slow and even with sleep. 

"Surprise me." 

"We all know I'm just full of those." Harry laughed, before pressing a cautious kiss to Louis head, and saying 

"Goodnight, Lou. Thank you for staying." 

"Goodnight, Harry." Louis said, enjoying the warmth of Harry's embrace. 

*********

 Louis woke up to the bright sun shining against the newly fallen snow on the window pane.  He noticed how cold and empty the bed felt, turning over to see Harry was no longer there.  He pulled the blankets up higher, taking a moment to relive last nights events.  Spending the night with Harry was far better than he ever expected.  Harry wasn't what he originally thought, but instead a sweet and genuine person who he found wanting to know more about.  The few one night stands Louis' had in tthe past were easy. Have sex, then leave the next morning, no questions asked.  Harry made Louis felt wanted and welcomed though, and he knew he'd miss the boy when he would have to leave.  

Louis sighed and pulled down the blankets, picking up his briefs off the floor, and slidding them on before heading into the kitchen, hearing the gentle sounds of music and a deep voice singing along.  When he emerged from around the corner, he hid himself, watching as the tall wild haired boy danced to the fridge, opening the door while shimming his hips.  Louis only hen realized that Harry was still naked, though he didn't mind the sight.  He had to keep from laughing, biting his cheek as he listened to Harry belting out You Make My Dreams Come True. 

The boy stopped in his tracks, nearly dropping the carton of eggs when he saw Louis finally come from his hiding spot. His eyes wide, cheeks flushed. 

"Hall and Oates, fan I see?" Louis asked, trying to keep his composure.  He took a seat at the bar stool at the kitchen counter, noticing a variety of cooking tools and ingredients covering the space. 

"Just a good song." Harry stated, blushing, but walking forward to lean across the counter, pressing his lips gently to Louis'. He wasn't expecting it, but appreciated the gesture, stomach fluttering into the act.  

"Morning." Harry whispered against his mouth, eyeing Louis carefully, before pulling away and opening the egg carton.  Louis watched as he cracked the shells, releasing the yoke onto the skillets, earning a loud hiss. 

"Morning. Do you always cook in the nude?" 

Harry laughed and Louis admired the way his dimples deepened in his cheeks, loving the way his eyes would brighten and crinkle in the corners.  

"Only when I know I'll have an audience." He smirked, grabbing a spatula to flip the eggs over. 

"Quite the attention seeker we have here." Louis teased, but Harry just rolled his eyes, picking up a plate to slide two eggs on, along with bacon and pancakes.  Louis' mouth watered, not realizing how hungry he actually was.  Harry handed him the dish, along with a mug filled to the brim. 

"I wasn't sure how you took your tea, but there's sugar, honey and milk." 

"Just milk, please. Thank you. You really didn't have to do this." Louis said, taking the jug from Harry to pour into his tea. He grabbed a spoon and mixed his drink, blowing on it before taking a sip. 

"I wanted to. How did you sleep?" 

"Surprisingly well. I'm not usually much of a cuddler, but I could get used to it if I slept good every night." 

"I agree, was nice waking up to a warm body. Hate the cold." Harry mumbled, shoving a bite of his pancakes into his mouth. Louis could feel a small lump in his throat at the idea of having to leave Harry after he finished eating.  He truly enjoyed the boys company, and his warm and inviting presence.  He was allowed a taste of Harry and his world, but realized it wasn't enough. He wanted more; to know more and see more.  He wasnt sure if Harry would want the same, though. Maybe he was being polite and didn't want to seem rude in kicking Louis to the curb at first light.  

"Harry, would you like to go to dinner sometime? I feel like it's a bit in reverse, and dinner should have been our first encounter, but I'd like to see you after today. If you'd like-you don't have to, it was stupid of me, never mind. Forget I said anything, I-" Louis spoke without realizing it was out loud. Harry stopped him though, a goofy smile on his face, eyes eager.

"I'd love to Louis. That'd be great." He said, making Louis' relax in his seat. Harry seemed to sense the boys embarrassment and walked from around the counter, coming to stand between Louis' legs on the stool. He looked deeply at the blue eyed boy and ran his thumb against his cheek, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips.  He tasted like syrup and still smelt faintly of vanilla and strawberries, and for a moment Louis thought that he could get used to this. 

Chapter Text

Louis' POV:  

Faded cologne and a hint of mint; that's what I smelt when I walked into his closet.  It was the same smell that I was enveloped in every time he pulled me close while our naked bodies were tangled beneath the sheets at night.  It was the smell that brought me comfort when things became too hard, and he was there to ease the pain with just a gentle touch and a look into those ever loving eyes. It was the smell that became my security blanket, shielding me from every worry and fear that seeped like poison into my mind. It was the smell that would begin to fade in time now that he was gone. It was him. 

I carefully touched each of his sweaters upon the rack, committing the feel of each one to memory, images of him wearing them played behind my tear filled eyes. There were times when I'd tease him about his eccentric wardrobe choices, but now I'd do anything to have that back.  I'd never see him in his favorite Rolling Stones t-shirt that had too many holes to be appropriate, but he wore it anyway.  I'd never see him bundled in his knit gray sweater and green beanie, lounging on the couch with his journal that he kept hidden from my curiosity. I'd always ask what he wrote about all the time, and once in a while he'd show me a poem or song he'd written, but others he'd brush off with a kiss and a smile, before getting lost in a world of words and ink stains. That very same journal was carefully placed on the bed side table, waiting for me to read it.  I wasn't sure if I would ever be ready to, now. I yearned to read what was written within, to try and figure out for myself why he left me. But I wasn't ready to face the dark thoughts that haunted him, not when my own were crippling me from the inside out.  

I took hold of the black sweater he always let me wear around the house, loving how big and comfortable it was, and walked out of the closet and into our bedroom. It was cold without his warm presence to bring the house to life.  Everything felt empty, making me realize even more that he was my home.  It wasn't the furniture we picked out together, or the bed that we shared. It wasn't the pictures on the wall or his books on the shelf that made this a home.  It was him.  He was what I came to every night after work. He was what protected and sheltered me from the outside world. That home was broken and I couldn't even pretend to have the strength to put it back together. 

Looking across the room to our large white bed, I couldn't help but picture him in it.  The first time we moved in together, boxes stacked along the walls and hallway, all of which were irrelevant to that same bed as he picked me up by my waist, never breaking our kiss, and gently eased me down.  It was our first night in our own apartment and all we did was get lost in one another and the fiery passion between us.  I could see him sleeping peacefully beside me each night, his wild curls scattered across the pillow, cheeks flushed, his perfect lips pursed as if deep in thought, once in a while letting a soft few words slip out; he looked like a dream, one that I always wanted to be a part of, but was just left to look on in wonder and admiration.  He was every bit as beautiful in those moments as the first time I met him five years ago.  

The last image of him was one I never wanted to remember, though was the hardest to forget.  It seemed like a lifetime ago, and not only a week.  A week I had been without him. A week without hearing his honey voice tell me he loved me, before whispering goodnight.  A week without seeing those eyes that seemed never ending in their depth and sincerity.  A week without his embrace, and boyish smile to brighten my rainy day.  A week without hearing that laugh that filled me with a happiness that only he could provide. A week since I had lost everything when I walked in on his lifeless body laying on our bed. The same bed we shared so many memories on.  

*Flashback*

"Hey, love, we're back. Took a lot longer than I thought, some festival in town made traffic a bitch.  Figured we'd just order from that Thai place you like?"  I called out, carelessly throwing the grocery bags on the kitchen counter, Niall following behind with more.  He grunted, placing the heavier items alongside mine. He didn't typically come along with me to run errands, but we had planned a boys night in to surprise Harry, who had seemed a little gloomier than usual lately . It took me a moment to realize there was still no response. 

"Harry? You in there, love? Niall came along with me, we thought we could spend the night in, get proper drunk and relax." I called out once more, though no response. I looked at Niall questioningly. It wasn't like Harry to not answer when I came home.  He was usually waiting with disapproving eyes when I did the shopping, hating my poor choice in food options.  Niall looked at me concerned, but shrugged,

"I'll get the menu and order something. Go check on him, maybe he's asleep." 

I quickly dug through the drawer and pulled out the worn down pamphlet, handing it to the blonde boy before walking towards the bedroom.  It was quiet, and it immediately set me on edge.  I knew something was wrong.  I couldn't describe the feeling that overcame me, but I knew before I even opened the door. It was a sick twisted feeling deep in my gut that made me want to run from what ever was hidden behind the barrier that shielded what awaited me on the other side.  It was a feeling that left me cold and tingly in anticipation. It made my heart race, and palms sweat.  But nothing compared to what I felt when I opened the white wooden door. 

"Harry? You alright, love?" I asked while turning the knob.  I stopped in my tracks, taking in what was before me.  My legs became lead, frozen in place, almost as heavy as the pounding heart in my chest.  No, God, please let him sleeping, please let him wake up. But there he was, looking so peaceful you'd assume he was simply asleep. The crease in his brows that was always set in place was smoothed away, the rising in his chest that signified life was nonexistent.  His body looked stiff laying on his back, and not the usual curled up fetal position he took when he slept that made his large frame become almost childlike in size. No, this wasn't Harry, this was the first look at the image I knew would never leave me. The image that I knew would haunt me late into the midnight hours and create a perpetual darkness in the morning light.  It was him. Lifeless, and drained.  

"Harry?!?" I called out, snapping out of my initial shock, running over to his side. I shook his shoulder which would have been violent to any other person, but left him unphased. I reached down and checked his pulse; nothing.  That once steady heartbeat that I would find comfort in was gone.  He was empty.  I looked over and saw an open bottle of pills beside his hand, completely lost of its contents.  I grabbed the small object and turned it over to read the label. His sleeping pills; the ones he had his doctor prescribe last week.  I'd often wake up at night to find him staring at the ceiling, running his fingers through my hair out of habit. When I'd ask what was wrong, he'd say that he was just thinking per usual, and to go back to bed.  I'd watch him though until I fell asleep; the way his eyes would seem vacant from their warmth and depth, how his eyelashes would cast shadows against his cheeks which began to show the lack of sleep.  Eventually his insomnia became too much, and he agreed to mention it to his therapist. That's when reality hit.  This wasn't some fucked up nightmare that I'd wake up from, and after Harry would hold me until I fell back to sleep.  No this was very real.  Had Harry spent those nights planning to end everything? Was that the purpose of the pills? 

"Niall! Call 911!"  Oh God, oh God, please don't do this, please God please. I begged to myself, crumbling on the bed beside him. Come on, Harry, wake up. I'm right here, don't leave me, please.  I quickly open his mouth and shoved my fingers down his throat, trying to sweep out what he had taken.  There was nothing.  No pills, no gag reflex, no signs of anything to indicate that there was some sliver of life left in him.  You can't do this to me, Harry, not after five years of knowing nothing but how it feels to love you. I can't spend the rest of my life learning what it's like not having you.  Please, baby, come back to me.   

Suddenly Niall bounded in the door, his face going blank when he took in the scene before him. 

"Louis what the fuck is going on?" 

"What do we do, Niall? He's not breathing, dammit!" I climbed on top of Harry, straddling his waist. I quickly began pressing on his chest, trying to remember what little CPR training I had had in my life . Would this even help? At the moment it didn't matter, I had to try something, anything, to try and bring him back to me.  My lips soon pressed against his, which were unmoving and chapped.  My tears slipped down my cheeks and landed on Harry's, as I sat back up and began pressing on his chest once more.  It was disturbing how forceful each thrust was, and I would have been terrified of hurting him if he had not been so still.  There was no use.  Any effort to save him was moot; he was gone.  My arms gave out, making me fall onto Harry's chest.  There were so many nights like this; where I'd lay on top of him, holding him close, while he pulled me tighter against him.  I'd relax against the sound of his heart and the steady rhythm of his breath as he aimlessly drew pictures against my back.  Now there was nothing. No sound but the deep echo of the pleas to God in my head.

"Just call 911! Please, Niall he's dying, he's dying." I kept repeating the last part more to myself than him.  

"Louis, what's wrong with him?" He choked out, stepping forward to look at the man beneath me.  I heard his breath hitch as he broke out a sob.

"Oh God, Harry what the fuck did you do?" 

"Just go, Niall, please, go!"

I didn't watch as he ran out of the room, nor did I pay any attention to him when he called the police.  All I could focus on was the man in front of me, who looked more like a stranger than ever before.  It was only now that I took in what he was wearing; his one black suit that he saved for special occasions. It made me suddenly have the urge to vomit, as I took deep panicked breaths in and let shaky ones out.  His skin lacked the rosey hue that once decorated his cheeks, his lips were no longer the striking shade of pink that would have me mesmerized, but were now a startlingly pale color.  It was like I could feel the warmth of his presence leave the room, and in its place an icy cold shadow that lurked like a demon on my shoulder.  I couldn't escape it.  I wanted to run away from it and back to the light and the sun that was once the man before me.  

I could almost hear his voice, raspy from its lack of use, as he shook me awake on this exact bed.  It was just a few weeks after we had moved in to our new apartment, on one of his good days, when I woke up to a lazy half smile and a sea of green that swallowed me whole and enveloped me in waves of love and comfort.  It was him, the real him. 

"Lou, are you awake?" 

"I am now, though I have no idea why." I jokingly grumbled, pulling him close to nuzzle against his chest.  He wrapped his arm around me and brushed my hair out of my eyes. I could stay right here all day and have no desire for anything else.  

"I had a dream." He whispered out, though I could hear the edge of excitement within the statement.  

"Please tell me about this dream that was so important I had to be woken from my much needed beauty sleep." 

"You should be nocturnal then, because you're more than beautiful to me." Harry said. I smiled fondly at the cheesy remark, but pressed on.  

"Flattery will get you nowhere, love.  Now please, enlighten me of this dream." I said, tracing one of the birds that was etched in black along his collar bones. He let out a shiver from the touch, but continued.

"It was of you and me, but we were a older and we were surrounded by our kids." My breath caught in my throat, I wasn't expecting that at all.  

"I could tell they were ours because they looked so much like us.  Our son had my dimples and curls, and our daughter had your blue eyes and attitude written all over her adorable little face. And it made me realize that I want that with you- all of it.  I want to spend my life loving you and showing you how happy you make me.  I know I get dark sometimes, and I can tell how much it hurts you despite your attempts to hide it. But I want you to know that you make everything better and life so much sweeter.  I want to marry you one day, Lou, because you are it for me. You're the anchor that keeps me grounded when I get lost in my thoughts, you're like a lazy Sunday filled with kisses and sunshine.  You're that song on the radio that I can't get out of my head, and goddammit Louis, I just love you.  I am madly in love with you and there isn't a thing I can do to stop it, because it's out of my control and completely in your hands." 

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding, and with it a few tears that escaped. Where had this come from? Harry was always a hopeless romantic and constantly found ways to sneak in sappy comments that I would roll my eyes at but secretly adore.  I sat up, pulling away from his chest but taking his hand with me.  Looking down at him now I could fully take him in; his dark hair a wild halo of tangled curls against the snow white pillow, his cheeks flushed from the warmth of the bed, his lips puffy and soft from sleep.  He was my perfect piece of heaven. 

"Harry Styles, what are you?" I asked, making him look at me in confusion, the crease in his brow making its appearance.  

"What do you mean, why are you crying?" He reached up and brushed my cheek with a gentle touch, which I took hold of and pressed against my lips. 

"You have got to be the sweetest, most endearing boy, and I can't believe I get to have you. I get to hear your awful jokes, and see your eyes shine when you laugh hard.  I get to watch you grow into this incredible person, and somehow I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of all that love you have inside you.  I'm always going to be here, Harry, even through the dark.  Whenever you're lost I'll always guide you back home.  I want forever with you, too, and I can't wait to have that life with you because wherever we end up, as long as you are there, I know it will all be okay." 

The knife in my heart twisted deeper at the memory, and how happy and perfect everything was.  What happened? When did the dark become too much, and Harry too lost that I couldn't bring him back? There was no forever anymore.  He took it with him when he left me.  

"They're on their way" Niall rushed out, coming back into the room, and stumbling beside the bed. He fell to his knees, looking as though he were going to pass out.  

"Fuck, Harry! What were you thinking? Why, wha-" He choked out, looking at me in desperation. I could only mirror his expression. 

You can't take him, God, you can't. He's supposed to be with me, he's supposed to be alive and happy and with me.  I was supposed to keep you safe, Harry, I was supposed to make you happy. I'm so sorry, Harry. I'm so sorry you did this and felt so beyond hope that you were only left with this option.  I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, I'm sorry I left you. Please come back and I'll love you the right way.  Give me the chance to show you how loved you are.  Let me hold you while you cry, and talk you threw your worries.  Let me help show you that things get better.  Come back so I can kiss you and never let go. Come back so I can marry you and spend the rest of my life telling you how much you mean to me.  Just please, come back.  

I heard the sirens wailing in the distance, breaking me from my thoughts.  Niall was still beside Harry and I, rocking back and forth in his seat, sobs shaking his body.  I could hear words quietly escaping his lips, but none that I could make out.  I felt so sorry; for him and the fact that he had to witness his best friend die. They had been inseparable since they were just boys in elementary school, more like brothers than anything. I was always grateful for Niall because he had a connection with Harry that allowed him to know just what he needed whenever things got bad.

I felt sorry for Harry and his life which held such promise, and as much as I knew I shouldn't, I felt sorry for myself and the pain that was ripping my heart at the seams. How did someone move on from this? How did any sane person ever want to live after losing the love of their life? The idea seemed impossible to me, especially now that the police department was knocking at the door.  I couldn't move; my body refusing to let go of Harry, because I knew in just a few moments it would be the last time I would get to hold him in my arms as I would be forced to let go.  

Niall calmed down enough to get up and answered the door, and that's when my nightmare hit its climax. Harry would be taken from me permanently.  He would no longer be mine to hold and keep safe, but a body in a bag.  Medics rushed in yelling out commands, seeming to know exactly what to do as if this type of situation was just another routine they had gotten used to.  For me, it was like my world was shattering.  

"Sir, can you tell us what happened? Did he take these pills? Sir. Can you hear me?" A woman's voice spoke from above me, but it all sounded so far away.  I was numb to everything and every one but the man beneath me.

"Sir you have to get up so we can get to him. Please. If there is any hopes at saving him, you need to move now." Before I could register what was happening, my arms were being removed from their tight grasp around Harry.  The act was violent and sent me reeling backwards. It was then that I realized Niall had pulled me away.

"What are you doing? I can't leave him! He needs me! I can't let him go!" I screamed, my voice sounding foreign to me.  Niall reached out and grabbed my arms to keep me from running back to Harry, who was now being prepped for attempted resuscitation.  

"Stop fighting me, Louis! You have to let them help him! If you love him at all, you'll let them save him." He pulled me close, whispering reassurances in my ear as I pounded at his chest.  

"He's gone, Niall. He's fucking gone and I can't save him" I said, and the blonde boy only held me tighter, shushing me while repeating the same

"He'll be okay, he has to be. He'll be okay."  over and over again, though I think more for his benefit than my own.  I knew his words weren't true, despite how badly I wanted to believe them.  I wanted to believe that the medics would be able to shock life back into him, and his eyes would open and I'd be lost in green and warmth once again. That I would rush to his side and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him, and hated him for doing this to us, but that everything would be okay because he was safe and I would keep him that way.  But that was the thing about beliefs; try as you may to convince yourself, reality was always there to bite you in the ass and shred every ounce of hope you had. 

I watched as the medics eventually stopped efforts to bring Harry back, looking at me with sympathetic eyes as they placed him on the  gurney, covering his body with a sheet. The next time I would see him would be at his funeral, most likely wearing the same simple black suit he wore now.  Maybe that's why he did it; so neither I or his mother would have to think about what to bury him in.  I cringed at the thought, and tried to breath as they wheeled away the person I loved most in this world, and knew I'd never be the same without. *

I hated myself.  He was the love of my life and I never knew his depression had gotten that bad.  I should have seen the signs because maybe then he would still be here with me, and not buried beneath a simple stone that was supposed to signify his entire life.  That was all I had left of him now, all anyone had left of him; just a cold slab of cement that held no traces of him or all that he had done in his short twenty-two years.  It was all my fault that he wasn't here, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it anymore besides be consumed by immense feelings of hatred and grief.  

In hindsight how had I not known something was wrong? How could I not have seen how his once bright and hopeful eyes turned to dull pools of green? Or how that once carefree smile that played on his lips soon became a forced hard line, trying to mask the inner demons taking over him? It now had me thinking back to each time I caught him looking in the mirror at his reflection, seeming lost in his own little world.  What was he thinking then? Or every other time when he'd fade out of existence and let the darkness take over. Was he thinking of just ending it all? Of leaving me and the home we created for ourselves? Was he thinking about how much it would hurt me to have to bury his body with the rest of the people who loved him? Or was he thinking about how it would all be so much easier to just end the pain and suffering that I had no idea was controlling him so heavily.

No, I didn't know. But now it was too late to ask the questions I should have. It was too late to try and bring light to the darkness and show him a world of hope and promise.  It was too late to pull him close each time he disappeared, and bring him back to a place filled with all the love I have for him.  I should have been the one protecting and sheltering him, not the other way around like it had been all these years.  There was nothing I could do about it now though.  

I walked to his side of the bed, trying to ignore the last memory of him, locking it away in the deepest parts of my mind.  There it was, just sitting there; Harry's journal.  I didn't want to read it, nothing appealed less to me at this moment.  But I knew that I needed answers.  This book is what held the solutions to all the questions swarming my mind.  I had to read it. 

I reached forward and slowly picked up the worn leather, noticing the creases and sketches across the cover.  Could I really do this? Was I ready to see all the torments that plagued Harry and left him broken? It was such a private and personal piece of him, that it felt disrespectful to even open it; he kept this journal with him at all times, almost as if it was its own appendage. 

With a shaky breath, and hesitant finger, I pulled off the string holding it closed, and opened the last marked page. It was dated the day before he died.  My heart sank at the crossed out lines, and sloppy writing that seemed rushed and forceful. I closed my eyes, trying not to break against the new wave of tears burning behind my sleep deprived eyes. I could do this. I need to do this.  

January 3, 2016

It's getting bad again; almost impossible at times.  I don't know what to do.  It's like I'm drowning in the sea, only there is no surface to reach for.  Just a never ending darkness filled with the panic that comes from being so lost.  I thought it would get better, and for a while it became more bearable. I owe that to Louis.  God I love him. That's the one thing I'm not afraid of; the one feeling I'm happy to embrace, the one I don't want to hide away.  He's the constant in my life and the way I feel about him will never fade.  

But I don't think I can do it anymore. I know I should be happy, especially with him, but I can't.  I want to be; there's nothing I want more than to wake up each morning content with who and where I am in life, free from these feelings that drag me down like sandbags in water.  I want to be enough for him and to have a life dedicated to showing him how special he is to me, but I know he deserves better.  I'm too broken to love him in the way that he should be loved.  It isn't his job to fix me, and I don't want him to have to deal with that.  He deserves the universe and I can only give him paper stars.  

I don't know what is going to happen, and to be honest I don't care what happens to me. It's like I'm merely existing or floating through life like a petal in the wind.  It's not enough, and I don't think it ever will be. I need to silence these demons pulling me under, and I think I'm finally ready to. I hate what this may do to my family, my friends. Louis. 

I had to stop before I moved any further. The tears flowed like rampant streams down my face, making the writing on the page difficult to see.  My breathing was becoming much too labored and almost painful, the strain in my chest like knives.  I sank from the bed and to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest while trying to control myself. How could he think he wasn't good enough for me? He was all I ever wanted, and still do. He was the one who saved me, and the happiness and love I felt these last five years I owed to him.  Harry was such a special soul, too good for this world and all the hate within it, and he showed me that; he showed me the good when the bad was all I had ever seen. But he was broken himself, just like everyone else, and I was stupid enough to think that he could get better and that I could be enough to make him happy.  He deserved that more than anything, but now he would never have that chance.  It was gone, all of it, and all that was left was the tragic tales within this journal.  I hadn't realized the leather book was clutched to my chest.  I looked down at it, and turned to where I last left off.

God, Louis, what am I going to do? I don't want to leave you. The idea of not being with you overpowers any pain I've ever felt.  That's a big reason I have held on for so long; I'm afraid of not being with you. When I met you five years ago it was like I could stop fighting against the water because I could finally see the surface. I knew I would be okay because you were that guiding light I was looking for all this time.  I love you so much, and I wish I could show you that properly. Please don't think that what happens to me is your fault, because that is the farthest from the truth.  You are what kept me here for so long.  I never told you this, but I had considered ending it all once before; the night before I met you.  I had everything in place, but when it came down to it, I couldn't. For some reason I had to stop, whether it was fear, or a realization, it doesn't matter, because I believe it was because I was supposed to meet you the next day. You saved me, Louis, and I cannot thank you enough for the little home we made together. 

I wish it could be different this time.  I'm sorry. Please forgive me for not being strong enough, when you were my anchor. 

I love you, Lou. 

I dropped the book to the ground and screamed, letting go of all the pain and anger and hatred I felt within me. It was like fire in my lungs, and left me breathless.  How could he do this? God, Harry, why? Why didn't you just let me in? I could have helped you more, I could have saved you. I love you, goddammit, and I wish that could have been enough because no one will ever replace you.

I picked up the journal and threw it across the room, sobs breaking loose.  It hit something hard, but I didn't bother to look up, face buried in the palms of my hands. Everything stopped when I heard the familiar scratch of Harry's record player.  My head snapped up, and I realized that it was what the journal had hit.  After a moment music began filling the room. It was his song. The one that he played so often I began to hate it, but loved to watch the way he danced across the room carelessly. I could see him now, almost as if he was actually in front of me. The way he'd shimmy his hips and snap his fingers, too long limbs playing through the air.  He'd give me a mischievous look, and beckon towards me. 

"Dance with me, Lou!" He'd call out, spinning on his toes, momentarily losing his balance.  He'd blush but smile so wide I couldn't help but do the same. Those were my favorite moments, the ones that became fewer and fewer as the days leading to his death come on.  He was happy, if only for a few minutes.  I could never deny him then, as much as I hated dancing, I would dance away the rain with him.  I'd jumped up from the bed and run to his side, making him outstretch his arms in attempts to lift me into the air.  He never failed to miss, and we'd end up falling to the floor laughing until we had tears in our eyes.  When it died down, he'd turn over and look at me in a way that never failed to spark electricity in my veins.  His green eyes would blaze into mine like embers, never breaking away as he'd brush his thumb across my cheekbone, a habit of his that I always found comfort in.  That's all it would take before I would I would lean forward and close the distance between us, bringing his mouth to mine in a soft kiss. He'd break away in a smile and jump up to help pull me to my feet, and I'd mockingly push him away.

"Look, spaghetti arms this is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame." I said, raising my arms to make the perfect position for slow dancing. He'd giggle and roll his eyes, though I knew he secretly loved when I quoted his favorite movie.  I'd smirk, and drop the act, taking his hand in mine as he'd pull me to his chest. Cologne and mint; it was him. 

He'd whisper the words to the song in my ear with that honey voice, and I knew I was home. 

 Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

I smiled to myself at the memory. That was how I would remember him; carefree and happy.  The kind, goofy, charming man I fell in love with as easily as the sky turns blue.  I wouldn't see the sadness in his eyes, or the furrow between his brows that let me know he was lost in thought.  As hard as it would be, I wouldn't see his body laying on our bed.  No, I wouldn't, because that wasn't the real Harry.  I knew the real him, and I knew he loved me. 

Chapter Text

Louis' POV: Age 7/ Everything Has Changed

"Come on, Louis, kick it over here!" Max yelled from across the field. I ran as fast as I could to the moving ball, a blur of black and white spots.  I could do this, you've got this Louis. Just like dad showed you, kick and pass.  I squinted my eyes and looked at Max, trying to aim it perfectly, but completely missing and instead, hitting another boy with dark curly hair.  It hit him right in the head, and knocked his small body down to the ground. He cupped his cheek where the ball had hit, shock written all over his reddened face. Oh, no, I hope my mom didn't see that.  She always warned me about playing too rough. 

"Nice going, Louis!" Max yelled, running away towards the swings.  Of course Max would leave the blame to me, he always did this, and I wasn't sure why I was still friends with him. Now I didn't know what to do, panic filling me.  I was going to get in so much trouble.  I should run. Taking a look around I noticed that no one saw what happened.  I could follow Max and play with him and forget the boy and what happened, but looking at him from over here I could tell he was holding back tears.  

With a grunt, I ran over, trying not to trip on my shoelace that had come untied, and stopped a few feet from the boy.  He peaked up at me with tear filled eyes that were so green they reminded me of the grass beneath us and my favorite colored Popsicle.  They were so pretty and shiny like the stars. 

"Are you alright? I didn't mean to hit you, I promise." I said quickly, hoping he wasn't really hurt and that we wouldn't have to tell our moms. The boy picked at the collar of his light pink shirt, a funny color for a boy if you asked me, and whipped his nose. I could see where the ball had hit his face, his cheek now bright red and puffy.  

"I'm okay. I know you didn't mean to hit me.  Still hurt a lot." He said in a high pitched voice. He rubbed at his eye with a balled up fist, wiggling his nose a bit. 

"Do you need help getting up?" I offered, feeling very bad for what happened. 

He shook his head, and slowly raised to his feet which turned in slightly. He was shorter than me but not by much, maybe a little younger too.  His face was more babyish than boyish, but maybe that was just because of the large dimples that showed when he smiled gently.  He reminded me of a frog or one of those dolls my little sister had.

"Look, I know I really hurt you, but please don't tell your mom it was me. I can't get in trouble again, my mom would kill me. It'll be our own little secret." I pleaded, hoping the  boy would understand. His green eyes sparked as he nodded eagerly. 

"Our own secret? I can keep a secret.  Mom says not to keep secrets, but I can keep this one. See, zipped and locked." He mimicked the motion of sealing his lips and throwing away the key.  I had to laugh because he was cute and funny, and I decided then that I liked him and wanted to be his friend. 

"Thank you. I'm Louis by the way." 

"I'm Harry! I'm six and my favorite color is pink. Oh and I have a kitty named Snow because she has black and white fur like Snow White." Harry hurried out excitedly.  Boy he could talk, but I couldn't help myself from getting sucked into his cheerful smile.  

"I like cats too.  I have one named Hank, but he's really old and fat." I joked, making the boy giggle into his hands.  I found myself wanting to make him laugh again, and offered

"Hey, do you want to come play with me?" 

Harry nodded quickly, his eyes bright with anticipation.  

"The swings are my favorite. We can take turns pushing each other, how's that sound?"

"Perfect! The monkey bars are my favorite because then I can make noises like this! Ooooh eee, ooooh aaaah!" He jumped up and down, scooping his arms and hands like a monkey.  I laughed so hard my eyes watered, and he stopped and smiled at me widely, his dimples on full display.

"You have a funny laugh." Harry said, scrunching up his nose.

"Well you're pretty funny." 

"That's what my mom tells me. I think I want to tell jokes when I grow up." 

"Tell me one now. I'll be your first live audience." I said, taking a seat on the grass to look up at him. He smiled, but closed his eyes deep in thought.  They shot open after a minute, his fingers snapping together.

"I got it! Are you ready?" I nodded, and he jumped up and smiled. 

"Okay, how do you make a tissue dance?"

"How?"

"You put a little boogey in it!" Harry said, though began to laugh at the end, covering his face as he said 'boogey.' I laughed and clapped my hands. 

"Bravo! Bravo!" He blushed, but took a bow saying,

"Thank you, thank you. You were a lovely audience." 

I stood up from the ground and brushed off the back of my shorts. 

"Let's go play on the swings now. I'll race you." I said, narrowing my eyes to show I meant it seriously.  He picked up on the challenge and took a running stance. 

"On your mark, get set....go!" I yelled sprinting forward. My legs burned with the strides I was taking, the wind whipping my hair in front of my eyes. I heard laughing from behind me, and turned to look over my shoulder to see Harry close to my heels. He may be shorter but he was fast.  His dimpled smile was so big it seemed to take up all of his face, reminding me of the cat in that movie my sister always watched. 

"No fair you have longer legs! Your shoe is untied too silly!" He called out breathlessly. 

Just then I caught my right foot behind my left and tumbled to the grass, feeling the burn of rocks hitting my shins.  

"Oh no, Louis are you okay?" Harry said rushing over to my side.  He knelt down to look at me, my eyes filling with tears as I saw blood start to run down my leg where I cut it. Harry noticed and came over to sit beside me, taking my bigger hand in his smaller chubbier one. 

"Louis you're bleeding! Oh goodness, what do we do?! Wait it's okay, don't cry. I'll tell another joke, it'll help. Ummm..." I sat there biting my lip trying not to let the tears slip and seem like a baby.  Harry scratched his head, his large eyes wide with worry and fear as he looked down at me and my knee. I didn't want him to be sad again. I liked it when he smiled and laughed. It was conscious. Was that the word? No I don't think so. Contagent? Contagious! That was it; Harry was contagious. 

"I remembered! This one was on a Popsicle I ate, the grape ones are my favorite.  Okay, how do you make an octopus laugh?" 

"How?" I asked, my lips starting to shake like they did when I was about to cry. 

"With ten tickles!" He said, looking at me hopefully.  It worked, and I laughed lightly despite the burning in my leg.  Harry looked relieved. 

"Did that help? I can tell another if you need me to." He offered.  I shook my head and rubbed my eyes.

"That's okay, I liked the first one. It helped a little. But I have to find my mom to clean my cut." 

"I can help! I'm good at finding things, like I-spy. Let me get you up." I took his hand, though he was too small to actually pull me up I could tell he was trying his hardest.  I spotted my mom with my sister just past the slide and pointed to Harry.

"That's her." 

"Okay, let's go" He said determined, and surprised me by taking my hand in his and leading the way.  He kept peaking over his shoulder to make sure I was okay, and I smiled in reassurance.  In the ten minutes I had known him, I knew Harry was going to be my friend. 

Harry's POV: Age 8/ Photograph

"Louis! Over here, I grabbed our seat before anyone else could take them." I yelled when I saw him get on the bus.  He smiled and waved, walking down the isle towards me. Even though he was a year older than me, and we never really saw each other while in school, we still sat with one another everyday on the bus.  Louis was my bestest friend and always made me laugh.  That's why I loved him so much.  

"Hey, kid, how was school? Mrs. Turner still old and mean?" He asked, taking a seat next to me. I laughed and nodded. Mrs. Turner had been Louis' teacher when he was in third grade too.  She was always yelling and smelt like dog.  I didn't really like her, especially when Louis told me she would put him in time out all the time when he spoke out in class. That was just Louis' personality though. He called himself the class clown. 

"Are we going to play soccer? My mom said as long as I'm back before it's dark out." I asked, looking at him hopefully.  Louis was on his second year of soccer, and I loved to help him practice.  I wasn't very good, because I always ended up tripping on my feet, but he was teaching me how to pass and kick into the goal.  It reminded me of the time we first met on the playground.  It hurt a lot when the ball hit my face, and I tried my hardest not to cry.  I was okay when Louis came over though, because he was older and I couldn't cry in front of him.  I wanted him to be my friend because he laughed at my jokes and made me smile until it hurt. 

"Of course. I have a new move to show you that we learned yesterday at practice.  I can't wait to teach you, you're getting really good, Harry." Louis said, making me blush and duck my head.  I always did that when Louis said something nice about me, and I wasn't sure why. He noticed and bumped my shoulder with his own, smiling at me. 

When we got to our stop, I rushed out the doors and towards the field across the street from my house where my mom could still look out for us.  Louis lived only a few streets over, so he could walk back when we were done playing. It was great having him so close by, though we never realized it until a while after we had already been friends.  It worked out perfectly on days like this where the weather was warm enough to stay out later to play. We had nights filled with sleepovers, days that consisted of soccer practice and video games. I didn't like them all that much, but I enjoyed watching how Louis would get so into it that he'd yell at the screen and make funny faces.  I had gotten so used to having him around that I couldn't even imagine a day without him there by my side. 

I watched as he ran over to grab the soccer ball we kept hidden in a bush on the outside of the woods that surrounded the area, and kicked it up into the air, hitting it with his head repeatedly to keep it up. He was so cool, and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.  

"You ready?" He asked, placing the ball on the ground and lining it up to meet with me.  I shook my head, and pursed my lips, determined to stop the ball the right way this time. Come on, Harry you can do this.  Just like Louis showed you. And with that he kicked the ball towards me as I ran over to meet up with it, catching it with the side of my foot. 

"You did it, Harry! Kick it back to me now, let's work on passing." I did just as Louis told me, falling a little short, but he ran the rest of the way to kick it back.  It continued like this for several more passes until I had it down almost perfectly.  I was so proud of myself, and I could tell from the look on Louis' face that he was too. 

"Show me what you learned in practice now. I want to learn." I said eagerly, grabbing the ball with my hands and joining Louis' side by the goal post.  He whipped the sweat off his face with his shirt, and nodded, taking the ball from me. 

"It's pretty hard, so don't get upset if you don't get it right away.  It's called a keep up. All you have to do is hit the ball with your legs or feet and not let it fall to the ground. Okay? I'll show you." And with that he bounced the ball up with his knee and kept going without fail.   I couldn't take my eyes off of him or the way he moved so easily.  Watching him, I wasn't completely sure I could do it myself. It looked too hard, and I was too clumsy.  I'd just end up making a fool of myself, and I didn't want to do that in front of Louis.  He never made fun of me though whenever I messed up. He'd just smile, and offer me reassurance, telling me to try again. I could do anything with Louis there. 

He stopped after a minute, catching the ball mid air and tossing it to me. I bit my lip before dropping the ball onto my knee.  I missed and it rolled off, Louis catching it with his foot. 

"You have to bounce your leg up too, Haz. So the ball stays up in the air." He said, handing it back to me. I nodded and tried again, missing.  I threw my head back in frustration. 

"Forget it, I can't do it Louis. I'm not good like you. Let's just practice passing again." 

"Harry, stop, you've got this. I promise you'll get it, and if you don't I'll keep teaching you. I'm not giving up that easily."

"But-" I started to protest but he stopped me, throwing his hands up in front of him. 

"No, but's. I'm older which therefore makes me in charge, and I say you try again." He said proudly, though I could see a smirk on his face. 

"That's not fair, you can't play that card, Lou. Next year I get to be in your class because I'm smart enough to skip fourth grade" I taunted proudly for the hundredth time since I found out last week. I couldn't help myself though, because that meant Louis and I got to spend every day together and I couldn't wait. He just laughed and tossed me the ball. 

"Come on, big shot one more time. Just bounce it up, that's all you have to do." I didn't want to disappoint him, so I agreed, nodding my head. One more time. Then I was giving up.  I held the ball, staring at it, willing it to do what I wanted. You've got this, Harry. Louis thinks you can do it, so you will.  And with that I dropped the ball and bounced it up: once, twice, three times, before it rolled off my leg and back onto the grass.

"You did it Harry! See I told you, you goof" Louis yelled tackling me to the ground.  I laughed and swatted back at him.  He ruffed up my hair, and laid down on his back, staring up at the darkening sky.  I followed his actions, placing my hands behind my head.  I could see a few stars starting to shine; they were my favorite. I could watch them all night. 

"I forgot to tell you, Tommy told me that Leanne has a crush on me today." Louis said after a few minutes.  I turned and looked at him confused. 

"She does? Did you tell her you knew?" 

"No. I didn't want to make her upset. She cries a lot."  I laughed and turned back to face the stars, thinking.  I wonder if anyone has a crush on me. I don't think I liked anyone.  Everyone in my class said when you like someone you get really happy and smile a lot, and all you want to do is play with them. The only person I felt that way with was Louis. I couldn't like Louis because he was a boy and that was silly. It made me think though.

"Louis do you have a crush on a girl?" 

He was quiet for a minute, making me turn my head to look at him.  He had his eyes closed like he was sleeping, but opened his mouth. 

"No, I don't think so.  There aren't any girls in my class that I really like. They're kind of annoying." 

I didn't know why but that made me happy.  I didn't want Louis liking anyone else but me. He was my best friend and I didn't want to share him. 

 Louis' POV: Prom, age 17/ Secret Love Song 

Music blasted through the large speakers, filling the small gymnasium of our high school.  Lights flashed pink and purple across the floor, streamers lining the walls and ceiling. I had to admit, it did look really good, and I began to feel the excitement as I watched the crowds of people dance.  Prom was never my cup of tea, but both my mom and Harry insisted that I go, as it was a "right of passage." I could almost hear Harry's voice in my head telling me how I would regret it later on in life, and to "enjoy being young and carefree while it lasted".  I rolled my eyes at the thought and looked over to spot the goof flailing his long lanky limbs around him.  He couldn't dance to save his life, but it was so entertaining to watch him try. I envied him and his inability to care what people thought of him. Sure he had his insecurities like every other teenage boy our age, but Harry was never afraid to be himself and I admired that. The green eyed boy noticed me staring and smiled, waving me over.  As much as I preferred to stay seated (reluctantly beside my date), I could never resist Harry.  It scared me, actually, how drawn I was to him.  Yes, we had been practically inseparable since we were kids, but things had changed somewhere along the way. I had always loved Harry, more than I probably should, and people often made comments about it, but it was a lot more than that now.  It wasn't some friendly feelings of brotherly love. No, I was beginning to fall for this idiot and it was terrifying at which the pace it was happening. 

"You realize you have to dance in rhythm with the song, right, Haz?" I teased, whispering in his ear over the music. He threw his head back and laughed, that loud cackle that always made me smile.  His response to my remark was to throw his arms above his head and wave them like noodles while shimming his hips. His black tux fit him snugly, as he insisted on wearing his black skinny jeans instead of a loose suit.  His usual wild mane of curls was styled neatly away from his face, allowing me full view of his emerald eyes and boyish smile.  His tie was hot pink, and he had a white flower attached to his lapel. Much to my pleasure, Harry hadn't gone with another girl, but with a group of his friends.  I had bought the white flower so he wouldn't feel left out, it also allowed me the momentary dream of what it would feel like to be taking him instead of my date. 

"I dance to the beat of my own drum, Lou, you should know that by now. Could always join me, awfully lonely all by myself." Harry said, pouting his lips.  It made my heart stutter, and cheeks flush in response.  I coughed and shook my head. 

"I should get back to Leanne. She's over by herself." I said, gesturing to the table where the girl was watching our exchange.  I wasn't sure why I had even agreed to go with her.  We had been friends since elementary school, and she always had a thing for me, but I much rather have been here with a certain curly haired boy who was the only person who knew how to make things seem so perfect.  

Harry followed my gaze and frowned.  There was something in his eyes that I couldn't quite read, I wanted to ask him what was wrong but he spoke before me. 

"She looks beautiful. You guys are cute together. You should dance with her, she looks like she wants to dance." He said, his voice low and tight. I wasn't sure why he would be upset.  There was a part of me that wished he was jealous; that maybe he actually wanted to be here with me and take Leanne's place on the dance floor. That wasn't going to happen though, and the thought made my chest tighten. 

"It's not like that, Harry." I found myself explaining despite.  Harry shook his head, and smiled weakly, his green eyes losing their sparkle.  

"You don't have to explain anything to me, Lou. I want you to have a good time. I'll catch up with you later. Oh, I forgot, you have my vote for Prom King." And with that he walked away, getting lost within the crowd of students.  I tried to search for him, not liking where the conversation left off or how it made me feel.  Why was Harry acting like this? Before I could think much further the music stopped, everyone turning towards the stage. 

"Alright everyone it's just about the time to announce our Junior Prom King and Queen.  When I call out your name, I'd like our nominees to please make their way to the stage. Let's start with our potential Queens: Sarah Parker, Molly Johnson, Leanne Thomas, and Jenna Lee. For our Kings: Tom Lewis, Oliver Roberts, Louis Tomlinson, and Michael Matthews." The Dj announced, and waited as we all ushered towards the front of the room. I took my place beside Leanne who smiled at me excitedly. I tried to return the gesture, but I locked eyes with Harry who was staring at me with sadness filling his.  I wanted to rush to his side and find out what was bothering him.  He should never have to be sad; that's why I always tried to make him laugh with every stupid joke I made, and each time I'd purposely make a fool out of myself. All of it was to assure my beautiful green eyed boy was everything but sad.  

"Louis Tomlinson and Leanne Thomas!" The DJ announced before I had even realized they had already began. A crown was suddenly placed on mine and Leanne's head, and were directed to make our way to the floor for our winning dance.  I became panicked when I couldn't find Harry, searching the sea of faces until I saw his stepping to the forefront. His eyes never left us as I took Leanne's hand and began leading. It didn't feel right; no part of this did. It was like I was just going through the motions, not like how I should be; excited and proud of winning King and getting that type of honor from my classmates.  It didn't matter though, because I wasn't with Harry.  I tried to smile and make this a perfect moment for Leanne who should be having the time of her life, but it never came out real.  Each time I turned Harry was there and it was like God was teasing me by allowing him to be so close and just out of reach.  A smile gently played on his lips, and he offered me a thumbs up.

"You did it" He mouthed, making a gesture towards the crown and rolling his eyes.  I laughed and spun around again just to see his face light up when my eyes met his. For a moment I could imagine what it would be like having him wrapped in my arms.  Feeling his warm intoxicating body pressed against mine, resting my head against his beating chest as he would sing the words to the song in his honey voice that had become my favorite sound.  I could imagine, if only for a fraction of a second, what it would be like to lean up and connect my lips to his, tasting every perfect piece of him.  

Harry seemed to notice my mood, his eyes filling with concern.  He appeared as if he wanted to step forward and do something, his hand reaching out, but he stopped himself and went back to his original position.  Just then I looked towards Leanne who surprised me by leaning up and pressing a kiss to my lips.  I froze, my eyes wide, as I gently pushed her back. By now we had stopped moving, thankfully the song ending a few moments after.  She looked at me confused, but I was too preoccupied by Harry to give my attention to her. His mouth was in a tight line, his nostrils flaring, eyes just as surprised and..hurt? Before I could talk to him he turned and parted his way aggressively through the crowd, disappearing before my eyes. 

I quickly let go of Leanne's hand, and followed after him, a few eyes watching as I passed. I pushed open the gym doors and scanned the hallway for any signs of him.  I would have assumed no one was there until I heard I loud bang from down past the main office. I rushed over to see Harry staring at a locker that had it's surface dented in.  His chest was rising rapidly, shoulders hunched,  hands in fists. I had never seen him like this before.  My usual happy-go-lucky Harry was replaced by something much darker than I ever expected to see from him. I wasn't afraid though, I knew he would't hurt me. 

I walked up quietly, gently touching his shoulder to get his attention. He didn't move, but relaxed against my touch. 

"Harry what's wrong? The way you stormed out of there-I was worried." He turned around then to face me, and I was taken aback by the fierce blaze behind his emerald eyes. The crease between his brow was deep, the way it got when he was concentrating hard. I wanted to brush it away and ease the tension he felt.  

"It's nothing. I'm fine. Let's go back inside." He started to step forward, but I pushed him back, not letting him off the hook that easily. 

"That was not nothing. Never in my ten years of knowing you have I ever seen you this angry, to the point where you get violent." I said gesturing towards the locker. He followed my gaze and grimaced, looking down at his hand which was slightly swollen and red.  I took it in mine, hesitantly, and brushed my fingers along the creases of his.  He watched intently, seeming to calm down with the act. 

"Just tell me what's wrong, Haz." But he shook his head and looked away. 

"I can't. I want to, Louis, but I can't".  I could see the frustration and pain written plainly across his face.  The more he fought what he had to say, the more concerned I became. 

"What could be so bad that you can't tell me, you're best friend-" He cut me off, making my head snap up in attention. 

"That's just it, Louis. You're my best friend. I'm not supposed to-"

"What, Harry? You're not supposed to what?"

Suddenly warm lips were pressed against my own.  They were soft and full, and moved with my with such ease it seemed as natural as breathing.  I felt my skin become hot and tingly, like every nerve was alive and on fire.  My head began to swim in a sea of euphoria and my stomach twisted in knots, but I gladly took it because Harry was kissing me. The boy I had fallen in love with, the goofy idiot who stole my heart, my best friend was kissing me.  My eyes shot open then, and I pulled back reluctantly. Harry stopped his movements and rested his forehead against mine, breathing me in.  I couldn't think straight, my mind clouded by green and the lasting taste of his lips on my own. 

"That. I'm not supposed to want to do that. Not with you." He finally said, removing himself from my grasp. I instantly felt empty from the distance between us, and yearned to have him back in my arms. 

"You wanted to kiss me?"

"For so long, God you have no idea, Lou. I'm so sorry. Shit I didn't mean to force myself on you, but when I saw you with Leanne my vision became green with envy.  I wanted that to be me. I am so far gone for you that I have no hope for ever finding a way back to a place where those feelings don't exist." Harry confessed.  I could only stare back at him, seeming to have an out of body experience.  Harry felt the same way about me? How could that happen?

"Why did you never say anything?" I asked, finally finding words to speak.  My mouth still tingled from the feel of his lips on mine, and I tried not to focus on that, but instead on the very anxious boy before me.

"Because Lou! You're my best friend, my best friend who has made no signs of interest in me and is here with a girl.. Why would I open up to you about my feelings when I know they wouldn't be reciprocated?" He walked away then, pacing the floor in front of the lockers.  I walked up to him and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to stop and look at me. He looked confused and drained, though I could see the gears turning in his head, sorting out all his thoughts that he usually succumbed to too easily.

"Harry, stop. Do you want to know what I think?" He nodded, taking a deep breath and releasing it lightly, filling my nose with the smell of cinnamon.  My heart started to race, but this was my chance to tell Harry exactly how I felt.  

"I think that I have been in love with you for far longer than I ever realized. I think that I want nothing more than to kiss you again. I think that I have been praying for this moment for such a long time, and now that it's here I can't help but fear that its just a dream and I'm going to wake up to a reality where you would never feel the same way about me."

Harry looked at me with such awe and hope that it made the tightness in my chest reappear.

"You feel the same about me?" He asked in a whisper, his body relaxing even more. 

"More than you will ever know." I said quietly, slightly embarrassed to be admitting how deep I was in. Harry surprised me by smiling wide and hugging me tightly to his chest. My cheeks flushed, quickly gripping the crown I had forgotten was on my head.  

"Pardon me, your highness. I forgot I was in the presence of Lincoln High royalty." He said, stepping back to courtesy. I swatted at him, and gripped his jacket, making him stand up to his full height.  Somewhere in the ten years we had been friends he had had an incredible growth spurt and was now a good 5in taller than me.  He often teased me about my small size and lack of growth which seemed to stop earlier than most of the boys here, but I actually liked the difference between us as I looked up to him now.

"Does his highness get a dance then?" I asked, realizing now that it didn't matter what the other students thought. I was finally about to have Harry right where I wanted him after all this time, and I wasn't letting that opportunity slip through my fingers.  

"His highness' head is going to get too big for that crown if he keeps referring to himself as 'his highness'." Harry teased, and I reached up to take it off and place it gently on top of his chocolate curls.  He looked like a Disney prince with his perfect face and outfit.  

"It suits you better. I think I'm more fitted for the role of court jester." I confirmed, taking a bow. 

"I think I could make room for another King. Could get awfully lonely without someone by my side." He pouted once again, making me laugh at the similarity to the comment he made on the dance floor.

"I suppose I could do you the favor.  Just this once though. Wouldn't want our King to spoil and think he could get whatever he wanted." I knew that was a lie though. I'd give Harry everything I could. He already had all of me, but if he wanted the stars and the moon then I'd get those for him too. 

"Jesus, Lou, just come here already." He said, surprising me by pulling me up off the ground and reconnecting our lips. I laughed and gripped tightly to his hair, falling more and more into a world of bliss and seas of green.  

 Harry's POV: End of summer before college, age 17/ 18 One Direction 

I watched the second hand of the clock tick forward, counting down the minutes until Louis came by. On a normal day I would be excited about seeing him, to find a new adventure to find ourselves lost within like we had done all summer.  Not this day though. Today was the day we were forced to say our goodbyes.  He was going to college out of state while I decided to stay closer to home.  I was proud of him and us and how far we had come, but I wasn't ready to leave the little world of bliss we had created for ourselves.  From today on I knew nothing would be the same, as much as Louis tried to deny it.  Long distance relationships never worked out, even the strongest of ones like Louis' and I's.  I wanted it to work, more than anything, but part of me felt like this goodbye was going to be our last.  

This summer had been bittersweet; a perfect mix of both an otherworldly dream that I never wanted to wake from, and a painful reality that awaited just around the corner.  We spent days lounging by the beach, filled with attempts at teaching me to surf and sandy kisses.  Other consisted of trips to the city, exploring a world we never knew existed outside of the small town we had grown up in.  My favorite were the nights we spent under the stars.  We'd leave at sunset and pack our bags with blankets, pillows and took off in Louis' old beat down car with no destination in mind. Time filled with music and conversations about anything and everything until we would find a spot at the park where we first met and set up a place to sleep, keeping close under the warm summer breeze.  Despite the size difference, I always ended up curled against Louis' chest, though he never complained, and simply ran his fingers through my hair. It was straight out of a Nicholas Sparks movie, god Louis would smack me for thinking that, but it was true. In these last few months we had before we parted ways I had never been happier. Not when I first met Louis on the playground and felt so honored that he was talking to me.  Not at our Junior prom when I found out that he felt the same about me. Nothing compared to waking up beside him in the morning light, watching the shadows from his lashes dance across his cheeks, or the way his lips parted slightly and how his hair had shades of gold in it under the sun.  Life became so easy with Louis, almost as natural as breathing, and now that he was leaving it felt like I was drowning. 

I peaked out the front window just in time to see his car pull up, bags and suitcases filling it to capacity.  How that thing was going to make it across the state was beyond me, but Louis insisted his "baby" would do just fine. I prayed for his safety that he was right.  I sighed and walked out the front door, my stomach already twisting at what was happening.  I wanted to run and push it all to the back of my mind.  I wanted to get lost in the stars and everything that was Louis.  But I couldn't.  Instead I just stood there, watching as he got out of the car and looked at me with heavy eyes.  I knew he didn't want to do this anymore than I did.  We had long talks about college and what was going to happen between us when he left, and we both promised that we would do everything we could to stay together.  But I also made him promise that if he were to find anyone else that he would tell me, and in return I promised that I would let him go.  That was my biggest fear I think. That someone better would come along and see how incredible Louis was, and Louis would think the same about them.  It hurt to even imagine not being with Louis and being able to call him mine, but it wasn't out of the realm of a possibility with us not being physically together. It was just up to faith and the trust that we had established over the last ten or so years. 

"Hey, love. You alright?" Louis asked, breaking the silence first. His voice was coarse, most likely from crying after saying goodbye to his mom and sisters. They were taking this hard too, but supported Louis all the same.  They insisted that I still come around even though Louis wouldn't be there and I thought the request ludicrous considering they had become my second family and I loved them just as much as if they were.  

"I don't think I can do this, Lou." I said, not holding anything back. I could see the pain across his face, his eyes revealing the same things I was thinking.  Instead of answering he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around my waist.  My own followed suit, naturally enveloping him within my embrace against my chest.  I rested my face in his hair breathing him in one last time.  It would be months until he was back on break, the longest we had ever been separated since we were little.  It was like a piece of me was being pried away, and in its place a gaping hole. 

"I don't either, Harry.  I want to stay here and rewind these last few months with you. I can't imagine a place where you're not there by my side, even if it is only temporary. You're my best friend.." Louis said, his voice cracking.  I held him closer, trying to fight the emotions coursing through me. I knew I had to let go and let him leave. I couldn't hold him back any longer and keep him from doing incredible things with his life.  We could do this. We could make this work because we love one another and that's how it has been for as long as I could remember.  

I reluctantly pulled away and looked him in the eye, trying not to break after seeing how bloodshot they were, becoming pools of icy blue.  

"Exactly, which is why we can do this. You know me better than anyone else, so you know I mean it when I say I will do everything I can to make this work and I know you will too.  I have faith in us, Lou, and even though it'll be hard not having one another, we're strong enough to overcome any obstacle that comes our way. This isn't our last goodbye, and I don't ever plan on us having one." I said, eyes burning at the tears that broke free, though my voice clear and determined.  Louis looked at me and I could tell he knew I was right.  

"Do you promise?" He asked, looking at me hopeful. 

"I do, cross my heart and hope to die." I said, raising my hand over my heart to make an x.  He smirked and rolled his eyes. 

"Such a dork." 

"But would you have me any other way?" I asked, leaning forward to rest my forehead against his. He simply hummed in response and connected his lips to mine as if to seal the promise with a kiss. This one wasn't like all the other we had shared: not the lazy make outs while sitting on the couch, or the peppering of kisses in the morning to wake the other up, or the ones that left us breathless with intensity as we tangled ourselves beneath the sheets.  No this one had a quiet desperation, as if pleading to never let go.  We moved together effortlessly, knowing exactly when to break apart or add more force.  I had memorized the way he had tasted and the sounds he'd make, the way his left hand always managed to knot in my hair while the other rested gently on the dent in my hip. God it was so easy to just let go and get lost in him and the way he made me feel like my skin was on fire and my heart beat faster than it probably should. It was so easy to forget for this moment that he was leaving as soon as we parted.  I gripped him tighter at that realization, and he responded to my eagerness as if he was thinking the same thing.  

But all too soon, he pulled away, breathing deeply against me. I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting nothing more than to disappear with him.  When I opened them I was met with blue, and I knew then that everything would be okay.  It was Louis; the boy who had helped me after getting knocked down on the playground, the boy who had stood up for me in the fifth grade to the kid who had constantly teased me whenever I messed up in soccer, the boy who was there by my side as we told our parents that we were together. This was the boy who I would go to the ends of the earth for, even if that included spending time apart. 

"Okay, you need to go. It's a long drive, and I don't want you out later than you need to be." I said, regaining composure with my new found confidence in mine and Louis' ability to handle this.  He whipped his nose and nodded, running his hand through his hair to brush the fringe out of his eyes.  I was going to miss doing that. 

"We've got this, Haz? Like if you think we can do it, then so do I.  As long as I've got you then nothing else matters.  Not the distance or lack of physical contact, not the change in pace and school work.  Nothing comes before you, and you need to know that.  I'm not leaving you." Louis declared, and it made my chest tighten.  

"I know, Lou. I'm not going anywhere either.  We'll talk everyday, there's Skype, and October break is only two months away. We've got this, babe. So kiss me goodbye and don't look back because we are only moving forward from here." 

"God I'm going to miss your cheesy words of wisdom." Louis said, chuckling and launching himself into my once again. I stumbled back with the force but held tightly, finally believing that we could do this.  There was no reason we couldn't, right?

 Louis: Present day, 10 year Reunion/ When We Were Young

Lincoln High hadn't changed much since I had last been here ten years ago, walking across the stage to receive my diploma.  The hallways were still decorated in student artwork, the cafeteria had the same circular tables with colored chairs, the gym held the same banners of sports achievements pinned beside the new ones gained over the years.  Being here reminded me of a time when everything was so much simpler.  There weren't any contracts needing to be signed, or business meetings to attend.  There weren't bills to pay and people to answer to.  All there was was the drama of who was dating who and what exactly was the "meat" being served at lunch.  And of course, there was him.  There was curls and pink lips that tasted like the cinnamon gum he was never without, and nights with stars and emerald eyes so green they set the sky ablaze.  

He was here tonight. I hadn't seen him yet, but I had heard his name among the lips of our fellow graduates.  I didn't know what to think if I was being honest with myself.  It had been years since we had last spoke, which was mainly my fault.  After things ended between us our sophomore year of college, I wanted nothing more than to forget that part of my life; to forget him.  I laughed at myself now, as if I could actually do something so impossible; he was threaded into every part of my being, woven so tightly into my heart that I actually think it was ripped to shreds when I left.  Why did I ever leave? That was a question I asked myself everyday, and a regret I never let myself live down. I was so stupid. Stupid to think that we were better apart, stupid to believe that I could move on from him, stupid to ever think that I would be okay seeing him tonight.  At the time I thought that ending things with him was the best step for us; that the distance was becoming too much and that I was just holding him back from his fullest potential.  I knew he wouldn't buy into that or let me leave that easily, so I lied.  I told the most absurd and inconceivable lie, and he believed it.  He believed it when I told him I had found somebody else.  He believed that and I had let him, foolishly thinking that it would all be okay because he would no longer have to deal with the frustrations and torments that came from not seeing one another every day except through a computer screen or talking on the phone.  And now he was here and I wasn't sure I was ready to face him because I still had not moved on. I was still fool-heartedly wrapped up in my teenage dream that was him. 

I had kept an eye on him over the years, wanting to see all the things he was accomplishing and the life he was creating for himself.  He had continued to play soccer throughout university, much to my satisfaction, and graduated with honors.  According to my mom, who still kept in contact with Anne, he had taken a year off to travel; going everywhere from Milan to Switzerland to Sydney.  He had always wanted to travel and I was happy for him for finally doing it, though I had wished I was there with him getting to experience each little world and the pleasures he received in seeing them. When he came back, he took up a job at the elementary school in town to teach kindergarten.  I thought the idea a little odd when he confessed his intentions the summer before leaving for college, but he had the patience and compassion to teach children. My sisters had always adored him and I think that now I couldn't see him doing anything else.  

Faces came by in bits and pieces, all slightly familiar blurs that held no importance to me because they weren't him. I tried to remind myself that he wasn't here to see me, nor would he have any reason to want to.  I left him; left him thinking that he was somehow replaceable and no longer significant to me and my life.  The dulling ache in my chest that came around when I thought of him told me otherwise.  

I grabbed a drink off one of the serving trays making their rounds, and leaned up against the wall, content with being by myself and looking around to see how much everyone had changed.  We were all a a little older and wiser, as depicted by the lines that were now marking our faces and the stories we had learned to tell about our lives and where we had been.  It was so strange to think that ten years ago we were all in this same spot, dancing at our Prom, excited for the future and what waited beyond the gym doors.  This small town was all that we had ever known, and when we left some went on to bigger and better places all around the world, but we all still ended up back at the start.  I sighed and took a sip of the warming liquid in my hand, before nearly dropping it when I heard it; that loud, yet still somehow endearing laugh that had made my chest fill with warmth and lips subconsciously turn up.  It was him.  Almost as if on cue the crowd parted and there he was, talking animatedly with someone who's face was familiar but name had slipped my mind.  It didn't matter though because he was here and was he perfect.  His shoulders had broadened, his face had lost the innocence of childhood and was now comprised of high cheekbones and a jaw line that was sculpted by God himself.  He had grown out his hair which fell in soft chestnut waves just past his shoulders.  

Then he looked at me and suddenly everything stopped because it was just me and him and I was 18 again and telling him how much I had loved him.  I was lost in a time when all there was was sleepless night spent memorizing the feel of his skin, and the taste of his tongue, and hours consisting of secrets that we kept hidden within the sheets. And now he's walking towards me and I'm waiting for it; waiting for the conversation that we should have had years ago where he tells me how much he hates me and will never forgive me for what I did, but his eyes tell me something different.  And when he's but two feet in front of me I stop breathing because it's him and that's what he was always best at.  

"Looks like I'm in the presence of Lincoln High royalty once again." His honey voice spoke, sending chills down my spine. I laughed, it was short and sharp but that was probably because I was still breathless and unsure of how to deal with the man in front of me. 

"Hi, Louis. It's great to see you." He continued as if reading my mind and wanting to let me know that all was okay.  It relaxed me, if only slightly. 

"Hi, Harry." I said weakly, my voice betraying me.  I couldn't help it though.  There was so much left unsaid between us and I didn't know where to begin.  It didn't help with the way he was dressed, either. His black jeans were impossibly tight, leaving little to the imagination, and his black satin shirt unbuttoned to mid chest wasn't any better. I could smell the faint hint of his cologne, cinnamon and vanilla, and it was enough to leave my head a foggy mess of incoherent thoughts.  

"I'd offer to get you a drink but it seems like you already have that taken care of, so how about a walk instead? I'd say we have some catching up to do." 

"I'd say you're probably right." He smiled smally, and stepped aside to let me go forward, and I noticed he followed close behind. So close I could feel his warm breath against my neck, making my hair stand on end. Neither of us spoke, and I couldn't tell if it was a comfortable silence between old friends, or because we weren't sure what to say now that we were face to face.  

I opened the main doors, and was hit with the warm spring breeze whispering through the blooming trees.  The sky was illuminated by the impossibly bright stars and nearly full moon.  When I finally turned to face Harry, I noticed how the setting had made his hair look black and eyes even deeper pools of emeralds.  I was once again lost within them, powerless to their magnetic pull and beauty. 

I cleared my throat and continued on, walking down the path leading to the field.  Harry stayed close to my side, and finally broke the silence after another long moment. 

"So how have you been, Louis? Fill me in on the last eight years of your life." 

Had it really been eight years? 

"Um-I've been good, my mom tells me I'm overworked but I honestly love it.  The corporation that I work for in the city has been great to me, and I'm actually up for a promotion within the next few months.  There are a couple other people fighting for it too, but my boss told me I shouldn't worry, that the spot was mine.  Nothing a little ass kissing doesn't get you." I chuckled and Harry did too.

"That's amazing, Louis, you should be proud of that. Well not the as kissing, but when have you ever not been full of shit?" He teased, throwing me a playful smile.  I laughed, an actual full on laugh that I hadn't heard in a while.  It felt strange but it suddenly was like I was falling back into old habits with playful bantering and carefree laughs with Harry. I swatted at him, and he mocked an injury rubbing at his arms. 

"Excuse me, but I bruise like a peach." I rolled my eyes but continued smiling. 

"Always such a baby. But anyway tell me about you. I want to hear all about this year of traveling you had." He stopped and looked at me confused.

"How did you know about that?" 

Shit. 

"Um, my mom mentioned it to me actually.  She and your mom still talk, which I'm sure you're aware of." I explained. He seemed content with my answer, pouting his lips in concentration but continued on.

"It was incredible.  There were so many people I met and new things I got to experience. I remember there was this one couple I met on a train to Switzerland and they told me how they had been backpacking all over Europe. They just picked up and left everything one day, deciding that they didn't want to do any of it anymore. They didn't want to waste their lives sitting back waiting for something big to happen, so they took it upon themselves and set out on their own little adventure. It amazed me opened my eyes to so many new things.  It's something I would love to do again one day. Maybe go to Africa or something." The way he spoke left me captivated.  There was so much passion and excitement in his eyes, that it left me wanting to join him and become apart of his world.  God he was exactly the same as when I left him, always with his head in the clouds lost in all the possibilities the world had to offer, though now he was so much wiser and even more irresistible. He had this new found confidence about him, not in a conceited way, but more so that he was finally secure in himself and who he was as a person.  There wasn't any hesitation in his voice like there was when we were younger, but now a strength and determination to do exactly what he set out to do and who he wanted to be. 

"I'm pretty envious of you.  I always wanted to travel.  Work allows me a few trips here and there, but they're all business and I don't see much outside of a conference room and my hotel walls. One day I'd like to, though." 

"You will.  It'd be a waste if you didn't get to experience a world outside your own." He declared and continued walking.  We had made a circle, not many options for scenic routes in our limited space, and were now headed back towards the building. I didn't anything more, but instead tried to memorize the way his breath sounded in the small distance between us.  And how the moonlight was lighting up his skin, making it seem so smooth and flawless, slight stubble decorating his jawline and upper lip.  I wanted to make sure never to forget these moments with him because after tonight where we ended up I was unsure of. Harry caught my ogling, a small smirk decorating his lips.  Instead of calling me out on it, he cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his tousled waves.  I hadn't realized how badly I wanted to be the one doing that until now.  

 "I was hoping I would see you here.  To be honest, I had this entire speech planned out in my head, filled with things I had been wanting to tell you for years now. But the moment I saw you none of it mattered." 

"Why not? I deserve what you have to say. I've been expecting it, actually." I admitted, not meeting his eyes. 

"I know, but it's you.  I've known you all my life, Lou, and I was never able to stay mad at you." My chest tightened at the nickname that didn't seem to get lost after all this time. I listened intently while he continued, hanging off of every word he said because I wasn't sure how long I would have with him or where he was going with this. He should be infuriated with me, not forgiving me. 

"I couldn't stay mad when you told Maggie I had a crush on her in the sixth grade, or when you blew out my candles for me on my seventh birthday. It was always so easy to forgive you because being happy with you was all I had ever known. When you left me- when you left, I hated you. I knew I had to let you go, I promised I would if the time ever came, but I still hated you for replacing me and ending everything we shared together-" I cut him off, placing a hand on his shoulder to stop him from going any further.  I felt a lump in my throat about what I was going to tell him, but he needed to know. He needed to know that there was no way I could ever possibly replace him; he was my best friend. Or had been. 

"I actually have something to tell you. God, this isn't going to help my cause at all and you're most likely going to take back everything you just said, but- I lied, Harry.  There never was anyone else.  I only said that because I knew you wouldn't agree to end things any other way.  I could see what the distance was doing to us and I didn't want to hold you back anymore." I explained, not looking up to meet his eyes, afraid of what I may find. When he didn't speak, I was forced to face him, and instead of wrath and hatred all I saw was understanding and sympathy.

"I know, Lou. I've known for a while now." I couldn't even attempt to hide the shock on my face, though I couldn't tell if I was relieved that he knew or ashamed.  

"How?" I asked. 

"Your mom. We still talk, you know.  Just because things ended between us didn't mean I would just leave behind your family.  They're mine too, and I couldn't do that to them.  One day on the phone a while back she finally admitted to me why you had done it and begged me to forgive you because you still loved me. I didn't know what to say or think after that.  I guess I was happy that you hadn't left me for someone else, but I was also filled with so much disappointment in the fact that you didn't just talk to me about how you were feeling.  That you didn't think that we could make it through despite the frustrations.  Then I understood and felt bad that you put yourself through all of that. But why, Louis? God I've spent so many nights laying awake hoping you're okay, and wishing you were there so you could just explain to me what went wrong. You aren't just the love of my life, you were also my best friend." He was looking at me know and I couldn't breathe.  His eyes were filled with so much emotion that they seemed to flow like molten lava, burning right down into my soul.  It was then that I realized what he had said; he never used passed tense when saying I was the love of his life. I wasn't sure what to do with that information; my mind told me that it was just a mistake, he couldn't feel that way about me and I was ridiculous for even thinking that.  But my heart pounded in my chest, seeming as if it wanted to take flight.  He still cared.

"I don't know, Harry. God I wish I could rewind these last eight years and change everything, because I would. I would in a second if I had that chance.  I was so stupid and I swear at the time my intentions were good; I only wanted what was best for you.  We fought all the time over petty things, then apologize by just throwing a band aid over it.  We were going into our Junior year with internships and work opportunities coming up.  A broken relationship was the last thing you needed on your plate-"

"I should have been the one to decide that, Lou, not you.  If that was what you thought best for yourself, then I couldn't argue because I have always wanted you to be happy and to come first. But the fact that you did it for me when I wanted nothing more than to be with you, that is what torments me.  We could have made it through.  Relationships aren't always perfect and sometimes you are going to hit rock bottom, but you fight and fix it together.  You don't run away." His eyebrows were pulled closely together, making that crease between appear again.  It always happened when he was deep in thought or angry; I wasn't sure which it was now.  His voice was calm, deep and raspy with emotion, but he didn't raise it.  He never really did when we used to fight.  It was his eyes that would give his emotion away, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't able to read them. 

"Then why didn't you come after me when you found out why I did it?" I pleaded back, my voice getting higher. I caught myself and took a deep breath. He looked at me with a new conviction. 

"I shouldn't have been the one doing the chasing."  His words cut like knives, laced with all the frustration and grief I had caused him all those years ago.  They also were filled with so much truth. I shouldn't have turned it on him. I was the one who left, it wasn't his responsibility to fix everything.  That was on me, and now was my chance to finally do that. 

"You're right, Harry. You're absolutely right." I said, defeated.  He seemed to gauge my reaction, and sighed, his eyes softening. 

"I didn't mean to turn this into a fight.  I wanted this to be our chance for clarification, closure..I'm sorry, Louis. I'm honestly not even upset about it.  I haven't been for a while.  I've forgiven you and let sleeping dogs lie. I've just been so caught up in missing you. That is what bother me the most. I miss you even when I know I shouldn't.  I miss falling asleep with you beside me and waking up the same.  I miss how easy it was for us.  I was never more myself than when I was with you." He confessed, never leaving my eyes.  How was this actually happening? How had I deserved this man? But, God it felt amazing to hear those words. I had missed him so much, and here he was admitting the same. 

"I've missed you too" I said, barely above a whisper.  I suddenly became hyper aware of his body only feet from mine.  He was so close and I wanted to reach out and pull him in. He must have saw something in my eyes because he was stepping forward now, his hand raising hesitantly, before brushing against my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into the act.  My skin felt electric under his touch. It seemed like my body had missed him almost as much as my heart.  When I opened them he was staring at me, his own bright and hopeful. My breath caught when he stared moving closer, I could almost smell the mint from his gum and feel the heat radiating off of him. I stepped back, now almost flushed against the brick wall.  He looked at me confused, dropping his hand as if he was burned.

"What is it?" 

"We can't do this, Harry." I said, though my mind was screaming otherwise. I wanted nothing more than to escape with him and go back to a place that had been so familiar to us, lost in one another's arms and tangled within the sheets. 

"Why not?" He asked, stepping closer once again as if instinctively.  I was now pressed fully to the wall. I tried to make sense of my thoughts.  

"Because I hurt you and I lost my right to ever have you." I argued, hating myself because there was so much truth to those words.  

"What if I'm asking you to? What if I think you're worth the risk?" My heart skipped, pounding in my ears like thunder in the night. 

"I'm not." I pressed further.  There was no way he could want this, not after what I did to him. 

"I think you're afraid because you might actually want this just as badly as I do." 

"Of course I do, I never stopped loving you, Harry." I confessed, knowing very well that I shouldn't have.  I should have walked away and left him like I did once before.  He deserved better, he deserved the world and I wasn't able to give him that.  But it was so hard with him staring at me like that. With a look inside his eyes I could see the light of a thousand galaxies, leaving me to navigate through the infinite realms of their other worldly possibilities. I closed my own and took a deep breath, needing to clear my head. When I opened them, Harry was still there, though now inches from my face. 

"Prove it to me."  He whispered against my lips, and that was it.  I gripped his wild mane of curls and crashed my mouth to his, relishing in the angel that was him and feeding into the devil in me who knew how wrong this was, but it felt so right.  It was as if nothing had changed between us; my left hand stayed place in his hair, tugging gently eliciting a small moan from him which only drove me to kiss him with more force.  My right hand rested on the indent above his hip, the small bit of fat he was never able to lose but I loved so much.  His tongue pressed against my lips, and I allowed him entrance, lacing my own with his.  The fire burning between us was growing rapidly, my heart hammering in my chest, I could feel his pulse racing against his neck and I wanted to lean down and suck along the spot and kiss his jawline. I wanted to explore every part of him and make up for all those years that I should have been there loving him.  I wanted to spend the night memorizing every new line and freckle that decorated his skin, every noise he'd make when I'd touch him, the look of ecstasy in his eyes.  

We were both breathless when he pulled back, though staying in place to rest his forehead against mine.  I immediately missed his mouth.  

"Looks like we haven't lost our touch." He whispered, smiling lightly.  I chuckled and pressed my lips to his gently, just because I could.  It was small and sweet and exactly what I had needed.  When I looked up at him his eyes were blown out, leaving only a small ring of deep green.  He was beautiful; cheeks flushed, lips swollen, hair a wild mess of curls.  What I would do to have him just this one night. 

"Maybe we should get back inside..people may start to talk." Harry winked, stepping back and running his hand through his hair to try and tame it. It was pointless. 

I nodded reluctantly.

"Wouldn't want any rumors to spread." I teased, looking down to straighten out my top that had ridden up.  When I glanced back up at Harry he had mischief written all over his face, an expression I had recognized from our teenage years. 

"Then again-" He started but stopped. 

"Then again?" I pressed, confused but eager as to know where he was going with this.  He stood taller, his face more determined, yet still playful.  

"Then again, my apartment is only down the street from here. A little gossip wouldn't hurt anyone..when have we ever cared about what people thought?" My heart stopped, eyes wide in disbelief.  There really must be a God up there because he was answering every one of my prayers tonight.  Either that or fate was just in my favor for once.  Which ever it was I wasn't going to deny the opportunity to be with Harry.  I would take whatever I could get, though it didn't get much better than this.  I needed to make sure this was what he really wanted, though. I didn't want to hurt him again, though I knew I never would.  I'd do everything in my power to make it up to him and show him how much I loved him. 

"You-you're serious?" 

He nodded, biting his lip. My stomach flipped at the sight. 

"Okay." I whispered out.  The smile on Harry's face was enough to illuminate the entire night sky, brighter than the full moon above.  I had to return the gesture, his reaction contagious. 

"okay." He said excitedly, and leaned forward to kiss me once more.  I could feel him still smiling against my lips and my heart couldn't help but swell at how sweet he was.  Realization hit that I was actually going to go home with him, and I pulled away, suddenly filled with slight panic. I could do this. It was just Harry- my perfect, kind hearted beautiful boy.  And here he was looking at me the same way he did eight years ago, and I felt myself falling.  I was falling deeper and deeper into that world of bliss that we once created for ourselves, but I destroyed.  It seemed as if pieces of it were still there, though, looking at him now.  

"I have my car in the lot over there. Just follow me, it isn't far." Harry said, pecking me once more before taking off in the other direction.  I stayed there for a moment, paralyzed with a mixed array of emotions coursing through me.  He threw a look over his shoulder and smiled, waving me on to come after him.  I took a deep breath and followed, getting to my car and waiting for Harry to pull out and lead the way.  He honked twice, and I rolled my eyes but stayed close behind.  I tried not to overthink what was happening.  He clearly wanted this just as much as I did. I mean he  was the one who put the offer out there, he was the one to kiss me. But then again I was the one who let him and agreed.  

My thoughts were thankfully cut short when we pulled up to a small building. It was simple white and gray stone with three doors leading to each apartment. There were window boxes of flowers and ivy on the one to the left, a long with a wrought iron balcony that had a small wooden table and books placed on the side.  I watched as Harry got out of his black Range Rover, and came over to meet me outside the door step. He pointed to the one with the flowers and nodded,

"That ones mine." 

I had a feeling it was. He was always reading and had a fascination with flowers.  I remembered once when we were teenagers we went to the park at sundown, and he spent so much time in the field of flowers.  I just watched him in awe and fondness as he delicately made himself a flower crown, placing it on his chocolate curls when he was finished.  I smiled at the memory.  Harry noticed and looked at me questioningly.  I shook my head.

"It's nothing.  Just memories of fields and flower crowns." 

"You remembered?" He asked, surprise in his eyes. 

"Of course. How could I not?" 

He smiled shyly, though his dimples were on full display.  He took my hand in his and led me up the few stairs, opening the locked door with ease.  The lights were off inside with the exception of a small desk lamp.  The living room was small but comfortable.  There was a large green armchair in the corner of the room, a tall lamp and bookshelf at its side against the wall.  Across was a stone fireplace that looked like it was used often.  Photographs were scattered along the room, decorating walls and the mantle of the fireplace.  I immediately recognized them as images of Anne and his sister, Gemma.  A few of their childhood cat, Snow.  Then there were the ones of the two of us in elementary school. I found myself walking forward, drawn to the image. It seemed so long ago: Harry had a missing front tooth, and wore the same pink shirt he had on when we first met.  My hair had just been cut, one that I will never forgive my mother for.  We had our arms wrapped around each other and seemed so at ease. I missed that.

I felt Harry come up from behind me, the heat from his body radiating through the thin fabric of his shirt.  I put the picture back on the shelf and leaned back against him. He gripped my hips from behind and I craned my neck to the side as he kissed beneath my ear.  His breath was warm and thick against my skin. I reached up and knotted my hand in his hair, turning my face to meet his lips.  He returned it, hungrily nipping at my lips.  Before I knew it I was facing him, and he was taking my hand, leading me up the staircase.  The light from the living room faded, and in its place a darkness that electrified my skin because all there was was Harry; his smell, his hand in mine, the sound of his breath.  I couldn't see him but I could feel him and it was like I was being consumed.  

When we got to the room just to the right of the stairs, I stopped, taking in the large space. I hadn't expected it to be this big in comparison to the small downstairs.  There was a simple white bed in the center of the room that reminded me of a cloud, covered in plush pillows and blankets. A dark blue rug took up most of the floor, exposing some of the hardwood.  It matched the stripped blue and white armchair in the corner, again beside a table of books.  The best part of the room had to be the large sliding glass window which opened up to the balcony.  I hadn't noticed them until now, but delicate fairy lights lined the rungs, which I imagined would look beautiful once lit up against the night sky.  

As I looked back to Harry, he was watching me intently, his eyes filled with wonder and lust. I walked back over to him and returned my mouth to his, moving my hands from his face to his shoulders in attempt to remove his satin black shirt.  He picked up on my intention and completed the action, throwing the dark fabric to the floor. Suddenly he was picking me up and hoisting me so my legs were wrapped around his waist, never breaking the kiss. My breath caught in my throat, not anticipating the swift movement, but turned on by the strength he possessed and was willing to use on me. I knotted my fingers in his hair and he eased me down onto the soft bed. Our kisses were gentle and carefree, falling back into old habits where we would lazily make out. It made my heart beat like a hummingbirds wings, all the same.  I broke away to inch along his neck, sucking on the spot in the crook of his collarbone that I knew made him weak.  He moaned and gripped my thighs tighter, sending chills down my spine.  Harry brought his lips to mine once again and I began making myself backwards as he crawled in the same direction over me.  I took the time to carefully undo the buttons on my shirt, discarding the thin material and throwing it on the floor.  The urgency to our kisses picked up, and were now filled with a fiery passion and thirst for more; each one seeming to only drive the next one further and harder.  I tried not to think about how I this would feel in the morning, and where this night would lead us. Who knew what this all meant or if it meant anything at all.  Instead I focused on the smooth skin of Harry's chest beneath my fingertips, and the way that he knew exactly where to hold me as if those eight years of separation never happened. 

The need to feel him heightened with each and every touch. I tugged at his belt, trying to lower his pants with my hands but not being able to reach fully.  He broke away and stood up from the bed, kicking off his shoes.  He stumbled with the movement and had to grip the edge of the bed to regain balance.  I threw my head back and laughed and he did the same, letting out his loud cackle that made the crinkles in his eyes appear.  

"Still have the grace of a baby colt, I see." I teased.  He mocked offense and pouted, crossing his arms across his bare chest. 

"Please, I'm slightly intoxicated. Can't help myself." He defended, though a smirk hinted across his lips. I laughed and looked at him incredulously. 

"Intoxicated? On what? Did spike the punch?" 

"On you." He smiled as if he was proud of his response and had been planning it in his mind this entire time.  I rolled my eyes and groaned. 

"Oh God, you'd think your lines would have improved with age, but they're no better than they were eight years ago." He paused for a minute, then looked back at me with light in his eyes.  I had a feeling another was coming, but I decided to stay quiet and humor him, enjoying the pride and excitement he got out of it. 

"You know, I was feeling a little off today but you've turned me on.  I went to the doctor and he told me I just needed a little Vitamin U." 

"What's next? The tried and true 'did it hurt when you fell from heaven?' or the good old 'was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?" 

"Don't push me, I could keep these going all night." He challenged, but continued to get undress.  He stood back up and pulled down his black jeans, leaving him in nothing but his briefs. My breath caught looking up at him, the moonlight from the window illuminating his tall dark figure. I was amazed by how perfect he was but also by how much he had changed. I studied the way his hair fell in soft waves against the now broad curves of his shoulders, his arms were more defined and muscular now as well, scattered in tattoos that I had never seen before but wanted to know the story behind.  I scanned lower to his torso which was now sculpted, no trace of his boyish innocence.  More tattoos covered the area randomly, across his chest, lower v-lines and stomach.  He was perfect, every single inch of him.  

"Consider me wooed and just get over here already."

He smiled softly, and kneeled down onto the bed, slowly sauntering over to me.  He never broke my gaze as he reached down to pull off my jeans. They weren't as tight as his had been, but he still struggled to get them down.  I chuckled and helped him, lifting myself up to ease them off better.  When they were thrown to the floor with the rest of our clothes, I flipped us over so I was resting my palms against his chest, the heat from his body making me flush.  He looked up at me with so much admiration and trust in his eyes.  They never left me as I traced along the dark ink on his collarbones, then lower to the butterfly on his stomach, and finally to the ferns on his hip bones.  I lingered there, teasing the area, which made him lay down on the bed closing his eyes in satisfaction. I leaned down and kissed up his chest, sucking spots along the way.  When I got to his neck, he turned to give me better access and I found the spot that I knew would always get him.  Any attention to that one piece of skin never failed to have him writhing beneath me. Just like that he let out a moan and pulled me back by my hair. He looked at me intensely before reconnecting our mouths. 

Harry moved down lazily, his soft mouth scattered bites along the sensitive area of my neck, his teeth gently grazing my collarbone. I grabbed his arms tightly, my eyes closing in response to his actions.  I crashed my mouth back to his, gently bucking my hips against him.  He moaned and grabbed my ass, forcing me to go harder.  I smirked when I felt his bulge form beneath my lap, loving the power I still had over him after these years. I ran my tongue over his lips, before tangling his with mine.  

Tonight was all about him; taking care of him and showing him how much I still loved him like I should have done.  The lump in my throat reappeared thinking back to what he said before; how he'd lay awake at night tormented by the nagging and haunting thoughts I had caused him.  He should never feel pain like that, he was too sweet and kind and good for this world.  He forgave me when he shouldn't have, and here he was trusting me back in his arms once again.  He seemed to sense my momentary change of mood and pulled back to look at me.  

"Lou, what's wrong?" His voice was deep and sweet like honey, coating all the wounds I had caused.  I just shook my head and pressed my lips to his.  He complied against the movement, but was still distracted.

"It's not nothing. Please tell me." He pleaded, cupping my face in his hand, swallowing it in it's great expanse.  I sighed and leaned into the warmth, taking comfort in the soothing circles he traced along my cheekbone. 

"I'm so sorry, Harry." I whispered, defeated but determined to make him see how much I truly meant my words. 

"For what?" He asked, his eyes revealing a flicker of fear, then confusion.  I brushed my thumb along the crease in his brow, wanting to smooth it away.  He reached his head up to kiss my palm, before placing it back on his chest, resting against his heart.  I could feel the steady beat and it grounded me, making me feel safe and welcomed. 

"For leaving you. I shouldn't have left you. I shouldn't-" I started but he stopped me.  

"Shh" pulling me back down to meet his mouth and silence the words wanting to pour from my lips. 

"You're here now." He muttered, and for now I left it.  I didn't want to ruin tonight with talk of the past and "what if's." I'd spend a lifetime trying to make everything up to him. But right now all that mattered was the beautiful curly haired boy beneath me; the same boy I had met on the playground, the one who had made me feel invincible in the tender rays of his love, the boy who had given me his heart fully entrusting me to keep it safe. Now he was a man and had gone out and experienced the world and come into his own, yet here he was back within my arms.  How could I not believe in God when he had given me one of his angels? 

I'm not going anywhere this time, Harry. I won't make that mistake again. I thought to myself before getting lost in cinnamon lips and chocolate curls.