Chapter Text
October 28, 2023
Taylor awakes earlier the next day to the familiar buzz coming from her phone. She yawns, stretches her arms above her head, and turns to her bedside table to grab her device. As she removes it from her charger, she feels an additional weight on her legs and hears a gargled “meow” coming from the furry creature that has joined her.
“Oh hello, Benjamin. Good morning to you, too,” Taylor says as she adjusts herself so she is now seated up against the headboard of her bed, legs out in front of her.
Benjamin makes his way up to her lap and curls right into her, not making another sound.
She softly scratches at his ears and looks down at her phone.
New Message from Tree (7:40 AM)
Shocking. She opens the message.
Tree
Taylor, remember you need to get your ass out of bed because we have a meeting with Travis’ team at 11 AM. If you don’t respond by 8 AM, I am calling in reinforcements.
Taylor
Ugh, relax, Tree. I’m up.
Tree
Good, I’ll be over in 30. I’ll bring coffee.
Taylor
Better be a lot of coffee.
Tree
XL and I’ll have a double espresso for you, too.
Taylor
Sometimes I think you’re the only woman who knows the way to my heart.
Tree
Shut up. I’ll be there soon, honey. GET SHOWERED NOW. I’m bringing hair and makeup.
Taylor
I hate you.
Tree
You love me. Get in the shower.
Taylor sighs.
“Guess we gotta get up, buddy. Where are your sisters? Oh god did Meredith kill Dibbles? We better go check it out, dude.”
Benjamin leaps off the bed at Taylor’s sudden movements. They make their way to the kitchen to find Olivia pawing at her food bowl.
“Dibbles! You live another day! We love to see it.”
Another deep, gurgled meow comes from the other side of the kitchen. Taylor looks toward the sound to find Meredith sitting and glaring at her, tail whipping in place every few seconds to accentuate her general disapproval.
“Ah, yes, the queen has arrived. Alright you three, let’s get you fed before Meredith eats one of you.”
Taylor fills each cat’s food and water bowls before running back upstairs to grab a quick shower. By the time she’s out of the shower, casually dressed, and dabbing her damp hair with a towel, she hears her phone ring.
“Hello? …Yes, send them up.”
She hangs her towel on the rack in her bathroom and makes her way downstairs just as Tree and a few other team members walk through the door.
“Taylor! Good morning. Double espresso for you.”
Taylor grabs the small drink and throws it back.
“To the face!” she says as she slams the cup down.
Tree rolls her eyes. “Okay, and your extremely large coffee for SIPPING.”
“TO THE FACE!” she jokes as she grabs the other cup.
Tree ignores her as she directs the other members of the team.
“Hair and makeup needs to set up here. I need to be able to talk with Taylor while you’re getting her ready.”
Taylor watches as Tree puts everyone in their places. Laptops are set up, hair straighteners and curlers plugged in, makeup splayed across her kitchen counter. Before she knows it, she’s seated near her counter while face makeup is being applied, her hair is being pinned up to start straightening, and Tree is sitting across from her on her laptop.
“Alright, Taylor, the meeting today is going to be a bit of a strategy assessment. We’ll be discussing the number of games coming up that you’ll need to attend and also the Argentina shows. I just want to brief you on some things before the meeting. Sound good?”
“Sounds awful, but sure,” Taylor says as she quickly steals a sip of her coffee while the makeup artist is looking through her color palette.
Right then, a buzz comes from the kitchen table. Tree turns to grab Taylor’s phone and freezes.
“Taylor.”
“What?” Taylor questions, seeing Tree staring down at her cell phone. “Give me my phone. Who is it?”
“Taylor…” Tree repeats.
Taylor pales. She realizes there is only one person who could be texting her that would leave Tree at a loss for words.
“Tree—”
“Taylor, why the FUCK is Karlie Kloss texting you?”
It’s awkward to say the least, when everyone in the room immediately stops what they’re doing and eyes focus between Taylor and Tree., darting back and forth like animals assessing their prey.
Taylor swallows, “Um. It’s not like that…”
Tree doesn’t let her say anymore before making an announcement, “Everyone, take 5. I don’t care where you take it, but get out of this room right now.”
There is shuffling and tripping and bumping into one another until they are all scurrying out of the room.
Taylor’s eyes are on Tree. Tree’s eyes are on Taylor’s phone.
“Tree…” Taylor tries.
“No, Taylor. I need to know exactly how long you have been in contact. Why the hell didn’t you tell me? This could be disastrous.”
“Tree, it’s really not like that, okay? She texted me after the release of 1989 TV, so literally since yesterday.”
“Okay, and why did she contact you?” Tree says putting the phone down and typing something on her laptop.
“It was about one of the vault tracks, it’s not a big deal.”
“Okay, if it’s not a big deal then why is she texting you again today?”
Taylor sighs. She’s not sure how detailed she wants to be about this. After all, it is rather personal. But also, she knows she needs to tell Tree in case… well, in case anything else ever comes of this? She shakes her head at that. No, don’t even start thinking that way.
“It’s… kind of complicated. She has some things she wants to tell me. Basically, some messages she’s written to me over the years that she wants to share because she feels like she hasn’t been able to let me in on her feelings on everything.”
Tree pauses, staring at her laptop. She removes her hands from the keyboard and turns to Taylor with a soft expression on her face.
“Taylor, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she says. And Taylor can tell this is Tree, her friend speaking, outside of work mode.
“I know. I thought the same thing. But, she’s right that she’s been able to hear my feelings through my music. And, everything ended so abruptly and then the pandemic happened... I’m still not even sure how she got my number back then, actually…” Taylor trails off in thought.
Tree looks down, her knee bopping up and down nervously.
“Oh, about that…”
Taylor squints her eyes at Tree, but says nothing, waiting for Tree to continue.
“Look, it was 2020 and you were in a really bad place and I may have given it to her and asked her to try and check in. But she said she couldn’t based on whatever you said to her last? I don’t know what happened and I’m sorry… but I was worried about you and I thought she might be the only one who could… help.”
Taylor stares at Tree for what feels like an hour to the redhead, before bursting out laughing.
“Tree Paine, secretly trying to reconnect Kaylor? Plot twist, indeed.”
Tree shakes her head with a smile, “I just wanted you to be okay. I’m glad you’re here on the other side of it, but… Taylor…”
Taylor’s face turns serious, “I know. But Tree, I also really need this. I can’t explain it. But that hole that’s been there since 2020 is starting to feel a little smaller. And I’ve only gotten the tiniest glimpse into what she’s been feeling so far.”
Tree sighs, and pauses thoughtfully before asking, “Do we think this is going to be a full reconnection?”
Taylor bites her bottom lip, eyes off in the distance. Could it be?
“I don’t know. We’re not making plans to hang out or anything. She’s just slowly sending me these pieces of herself from the last few years. I’ll keep you updated?” Taylor says, eyes now focused back on Tree.
Tree nods, “If ANYTHING changes, you need to tell me. If she wants to meet with you or if feelings change, whatever it is, I need to know.”
Taylor feels her face flush at the mention of feelings changing. Because that’s fucking terrifying.
“Got it.”
“Okay, then. Here. Respond to your girlfriend. I’ll go grab the crew,” Tree says tossing Taylor her phone and heading out of the kitchen.
“Not my girlfriend!” she shouts at the retreating redhead, before glancing down at her phone.
New Message from Karlie Fucking Kloss
Oops. She forgot she renamed her that.
Karlie
Hey, Tay. Don’t know your schedule today and just wanted to see when the best time to message you is? Levi has piano lessons this AM, but I have some availability this afternoon.
Taylor
Piano lessons? He’s probably better than you already.
Karlie
He actually might be.
Taylor
I have a meeting at 11 AM, and then I have to check in with Jack on some things for the next re-record, but I’ll be home around 4 PM. Then, it’s a lowkey day.
Karlie
Ooh which is next? Reputation? Should I keep you rightfully pissed off for that one?
Taylor
Girl, I’m always pissed off. But you’ll find out when everyone else does.
Karlie
When EVERYONE ELSE does!? Damn. Right through the heart.
Karlie may be trying to keep it light, but Taylor knows it bothers her that she’s not the first one to know about Taylor’s work— that she hasn’t been in a while. It’s just as hard for Taylor. Every song, every creative decision, every mastermind moment she’s had since they’ve lost touch has been a subtle burden to carry home with her, knowing Karlie won’t be there waiting for her with a wine glass in hand, ready to hear Taylor drone on for hours about her process.
And she’s not ready to revisit her feelings around that. Or the fact that she’s done more creatively in the last few years than she has in her life and Karlie hasn’t been there for any of it. If she starts down that path, she’s afraid the volcano will erupt and words and emotions will spew out of her like lava, fast and hot and possibly fatal if she’s not careful. How Karlie could cause just the tiniest shift in her foundation with one text, the tiniest shift that could launch an explosion, is beyond Taylor. But no, she can’t do that right now. So she takes a deep breath and switches topics.
Taylor
So… guess who picked up my phone when you texted?
Karlie
Olivia!? My BEST best friend?
Taylor
Olivia can’t even use her paws to defend herself, let alone text. Tree.
Karlie
Oh god. Are you in trouble? Tell her it was my fault.
Taylor
Oh, I did. I also found out she’s the little demon who you got my number from. Why didn’t you tell me?
Karlie
She had reached out in concern, and I didn’t want you to be upset with her. It was a long time ago.
Taylor’s face flushes, feeling a mix of embarrassment and anxiety.
Taylor
God, what did she tell you?
Karlie
You’ll find out later on… in one of those notes somewhere down the line. But don’t overthink it, Tay. Really.
Naturally, Taylor is annoyed that Karlie can tell she’s stressing out about what Tree might’ve let Karlie in on back then. And so naturally, Taylor decides to be curt. Because now she’s a little pissed off (per usual) at both of them.
Taylor
It’s fine. I have to get back to hair and makeup. You can text me after 4 PM.
Karlie
Okay. Have a good day, Taylor.
Taylor slams her phone down on the counter, crosses her arms, and awaits hair and makeup to return. Karlie Fucking Kloss.
They finish getting her ready for the day as Tree walks through expectations for the meeting. The meeting goes smoothly, even if she hates every minute of it, and then she spends time with Jack. She decides not to let him in on her text message rekindling with Karlie. She’s not ready to talk about it with him right now. They stick to business… and even if business sometimes includes finessing old lyrics they both know are related to Karlie, they never mention it.
When Taylor arrives home, she’s more exhausted than she expected to be. Probably from the fewer hours of sleep she got last night after being up late… overthinking, per usual.
She removes her phone from her coat pocket before hanging it in the closet, takes off her heeled loafers, and drops her purse on the kitchen island before heading to the fridge. She grabs a bottle of white wine and a glass from the cabinet and pours herself a hefty single serving.
She takes a sip and sighs, relaxing her shoulders. Benjamin and Olivia make their way over to her, softly purring as they wind between her legs. Meredith comes behind them and nudges her face against Taylor’s legs before making her way out of the room.
“The drive-by hello it is, Mer! Hey guys,” Taylor says as she leans down and pets both cats still lingering, “I have been informed that you were already fed, so I think you’re looking for something you’re not going to get,” she says and then laughs as Olivia groans and walks away.
“I swear your sisters only like me for my money,” she says to Benjamin.
Benjamin sits and stares up at her, head tilted to the side.
“Great talk, bud.”
She grabs her wine glass and phone, heads to the living room and collapses on the couch. Benjamin follows and plops down on the cushion on the opposite end.
She takes another sip of her wine and leans her head back and shuts her eyes for a second to enjoy the quiet.
Buzz.
God fucking dammit. Not even a second of peace.
She glances at her now lit up phone.
New Message from Karlie Fucking Kloss
Taylor sighs, unsure if she’s mentally ready to deal with this, but also finding herself desperate to open the message and see what’s to come.
Karlie
Hi, Tay. Day go okay?
Taylor can tell Karlie is treading lightly.
Taylor
Yeah, sorry I had to go earlier. Eventful day, but home now.
Karlie
No worries, I just didn’t know if you were mad at me… or Tree.
Taylor feels bad for making Karlie feel that way, so she tries to break the ice.
Taylor
Oh don’t you worry, nearly 4 years of anger have shifted to a redhead. She’s going to get ginger snapped, when I see to it.
Karlie
Noooo, not the redhead! They’re a minority species! Respect the Red!!
Taylor laughs. Karlie always knows how to play off her in moments like this.
Taylor
Okay, Karlie. What do you got for me today?
Karlie
Well… the first one’s not too bad, I don’t think?
Taylor
Sure… bring it on, Kar.
Karlie
Alright, LFG!
Taylor
LFG?
Karlie
Seriously? Aren’t you like, friends with Alex Morgan?? LFG! Let’s Fucking Goooo!
Taylor
Oh. I mean yeah, but you know I don’t really do sports.
Karlie
That’s not what I heard.
Taylor
Okay, moving on.
Karlie
8(/)9 is far superior to 87, btw. But alright, LFG!
Taylor laughs… so she doesn’t cry. But she won’t acknowledge it.
Note 108.
September 12, 2023 at 12:22 PM
I’ve been twirling the salad on my fork, taking the ten minutes I have for lunch to sit and think of… you. Today is supposed to be about ME, and of course, my mind is on you. My mind is on you, and imagining the alternate universe where this same achievement is announced, and I don’t wake up to a “Congrats” text from a husband who was in the office all night and didn’t bother to tell me he wasn’t coming home.
An alternate universe, where instead I wake up to you humming away in the kitchen this morning, the smell of coffee flowing through the air. I’d tumble down the stairs and there you’d be, spatula in hand, beaming smile on your face, flipping organic pancakes and doing a little giddy body shake before saying (in that stupid announcer voice you always do), “Well if it isn’t, Karlie Elizabeth Kloss, of The Vogue Business 100 Innovators: Class of 2023. To what do I owe the honor of your presence?”
And you’d slide me my coffee, make your way around the kitchen counter, wrap your arms around me and plant a soft kiss on my cheek. Whisper how proud you are, then proceed to serve me way too much food, mumble something about it being the “only suitable breakfast for MY champion” with a wink. And I’d blush. And let’s be honest, we’d end up half naked against the counter causing me to be late for my first meeting of the day.
That always pissed me off, by the way! That I’d be late to work events because of YOU, but you were always “so prompt.” If only people knew the bias you held for the value of my time in regard to your own pleasure.
I’d get to my first meeting of the day. Wouldn’t get through the second meeting before a knock on the door, a huge bouquet in hand. “Delivery for Ms. Kloss.” More words gushing about how proud you are of me, written this time. Signed as usual, “Only yours (forever), T.”
You would’ve told me you were too busy to call me during lunch. Because then you’d just show up. With food from one of my favorite places, and you’d remind me not to be late tonight because you’d be cooking me dinner.
God, knowing you, you’d probably even have a bubble bath and wine ready for me when I got home. The world really has no idea how fucking romantic Taylor Swift is. It’s almost annoying. And it would be so utterly cliché, if it wasn’t done with such honesty and adoration.
So, yeah. I’m stuck twirling my salad. Thinking of you today.
Is it possible you could be out there somewhere, proud of me? Or are you disgusted? Do you also think I’m undeserving? Did you scoff when you saw the announcement? Did you scroll past it without a second thought?
I’ve been doing my best to “stay ahead of the hustle” as you used to say. I’m doing things I never thought I’d do. I learned so much from you, about being brave and reaching for new dreams. You would’ve been so proud of me back then. I really hope you’re still proud.
Taylor
Alright, now I’m pissed off at you again. You seriously think I wouldn’t be proud of you? Karlie Fucking Kloss. Tell me you don’t actually believe that.
Karlie
Honestly? Sometimes, I’ve found myself worrying that you do hate me as much as your fans claim you do.
Taylor
That’s bullshit. And that’s so unlike you to let them get into your head like that.
Karlie
Well, I don’t know if you’re aware Taylor, but it’s gotten a lot worse.
And Taylor can read the tone of Karlie’s words, even through a text. She doesn’t know what to say to that. Because she does know. And she’s done nothing to make that whole part better. Because maybe she is a little petty at times. And maybe she likes holding the power. But, it never felt good letting Karlie get the brunt of it. It only ever made her feel worse. She just never wanted to admit that.
Taylor puts her wine glass down on the coffee table in front of her as she gets up from the couch. She wanders down the hall into her office. She grabs her key from the key holder hanging near the door and walks over to her desk. She unlocks the bottom drawer of the desk, takes out the folder on top and sighs.
‘Should I?’ she ponders.
She opens the folder. She’s not sure when her hands started shaking. There on top, lies a printed screenshot from the Vogue Business Instagram post. “Karlie Kloss… leading the charge to merge the worlds of fashion and tech” highlighted, with a small, marked heart next to it in pen.
She holds the folder open with her left hand while taking a picture with her phone.
Fuck it.
She presses send.
Taylor
>View Photo
Karlie
Tay… are all those related to me?
Taylor
Doesn’t matter. What matters is I will always be proud of you.
Karlie
But it does matter. What else is in there? How long have you been keeping this? Did you have that when we were together?
Taylor
Karlie.
Karlie
I mean, you even highlighted it, you little cutie! What else is in there?? SHOW ME!
Taylor
Not today. I did send you flowers, by the way.
Karlie
What? No, no you didn’t. I would’ve remembered that. Because you know me, I wrote down the names of everyone who sent me something and sent them a hand-written thank you note.
Taylor
You really think Cara is aware enough to remember to send you flowers?
Karlie
You… you sent them “from Cara”? Why would you even do that?
Taylor
It’s not the first time.
Karlie
WHAT!? Cara has only sent me flowers once… well zero times, apparently??
Taylor
I’m not dumb enough to send them under the same name twice.
Karlie
Oh my god… how many times have you done this?
Taylor
It’s been a long couple of years. Hmm.
Karlie
Jesus, Taylor. You could have just sent them from yourself. I had no idea. That’s… thoughtful, but now I’m kind of annoyed. Why do you have to be so damn sneaky all the time?
Taylor
I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian…
Karlie
‘Cause you care… yeah, yeah, yeah. But did you ever think I may have wanted to know that you were thinking of me?
Taylor
I didn’t want you to know.
Karlie
God, you are one frustrating human being.
Taylor
So they tell me. Next note?
Note 107.
August 20, 2023 at 11:32 PM
Jack got married. That’s amazing. He seems really happy.
You… wow. You look amazing. I’ve seen a few pictures leaking online. What is that body chain?? I’d tell you what I thought of it, but I shouldn’t. Not that you’ll be reading this, anyway. But still, I shouldn’t. God, I really shouldn’t.
Blue is such a good color on you. It makes your eyes pop. And not in an “eyes so blue they’re scary” kind of way, but in an “eyes so full of wonder, they get bluer than the sky” type of way. And there’s my shitty attempt at poetry or something.
I saw that all those people showed up last night, though. It’s… kind of insane that you’ve managed to blow up even more after all these years. People are obsessed with you. I mean, I can’t blame them. I’ve been there. I’m still there. Fuck. But yeah, that was a lot.
Are you okay? I saw the look on your face when you left the restaurant after the rehearsal dinner. You’re so good at keeping your composure, but I could tell you were a little overwhelmed. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that.
I couldn’t help but wish I could’ve been there, been the one comforting you in the car after, reminding you that you are human, reminding you of how much I love the human that you are.
I should’ve been your date. We were supposed to be forever wedding dates.
Taylor reads the last line again, unable to stop the memory from resurfacing.
“Tayyyy wake up! We need to start getting ready!!”
“Five more minutes.”
“We don’t have five more minutes! It’s a long drive to the wedding venue and we need to account for traffic, babe.”
Karlie jumps on top of Taylor and gently places kisses all over her face, forcing the other woman to flutter her eyes open.
“I can’t wait to get ready together!” Karlie says excitedly, with a giant smile on her face.
Taylor laughs, groggily.
“We’ll always be getting ready together, Kar. We’re forever wedding dates.”
Karlie’s eyes brighten.
“Foreva eva??”
“Foreva evaaaa,” Taylor says before grabbing Karlie and flipping them so she’s now on top, “I love you foreva eva, Karlie Kloss. Let’s go watch two idiots who think they’re as in love as us get married.”
Karlie giggles as Taylor places a kiss on her lips.
“Okay… maybe we have just a few minutes to spare,” she says mischievously, as she pulls the older blonde down to meet her in another, more passionate kiss.
“Karlie Kloss! Sex before coffee?? Who do you think I am?”
“My forever wedding date! The love of my life! The giver of grand orgasms before weddings??”
“Fine, I won’t argue with that,” she says before pulling Karlie up to slip off her t-shirt and then having her way with the tall model below her.
Thankfully, the ceremony started 15 minutes late. Because they were definitely late to the wedding.
Taylor smiles fondly at the memory. But it’s followed by a deep ache and a sudden feeling of nausea.
Taylor
I wish you had been there, too. It was a lot. It was stressful. I could’ve used a reminder from you that I am indeed a person.
Karlie
You are. You are a beautiful person. They don’t even know the half of it. You’re amazing, Tay.
Taylor
I’m sorry we weren’t wedding dates this time.
Karlie
Foreva eva, not so much?
Taylor
Ugh, don’t say that.
Karlie
Sorry, I was just thinking about that one morning we had to leave the city for that upstate wedding and we were soooo late.
Taylor
I know, so was I. That memory is… a real fuckin’ legacy.
Karlie
Fuck, Taylor. Don’t quote ‘Maroon’ at me.
Taylor
But we were definitely dancing in the kitchen that night, no shoes.
Karlie
Until you drunkenly tripped over your own feet and fell to the floor, nearly killing Meredith!
Taylor
Honestly, she was never the same after that.
Karlie
Her villain origin story.
Taylor
God, I’ve missed you. Am I allowed to say that?
Karlie
We said we’d be honest, right? I’ve missed you, too. So fucking much.
Taylor
We were supposed to be foreva eva. We swore it.
Karlie
I know, babe. I’m so sorry.
Taylor can’t go down this road. She’s not ready. Back on her couch, she grabs her wine glass and chugs the rest of it.
Taylor
Next note.
Karlie
Okay.
Note 106.
August 10, 2023 at 12:51 AM
I showed up at your party. Or… your concert. I think you knew. But I also think I’ve lost my mind lately, so maybe I’m crazy?
But I swear you were looking at me. I just couldn’t tell if you were being genuine… or you were mocking me. I wouldn’t blame you for the latter… but not saying it wouldn’t hurt either.
But “New Year’s Day”, Tay? Come on. Everyone knows that’s our song. And, it’s tearing my heart apart thinking about it. Because we haven’t been together on New Year’s Day in so long. We haven’t thrown a party together. We haven’t been cleaning up bottles together, with intermittent pauses of you running to the bathroom (you could never handle the hangovers…).
Not to mention, all the songs leading up to tonight. Jeez, Taylor. I thought my birthday would be it, but the whole week? Following “Maroon” with “You are in Love” was torture. Then, “Death By A Thousand Cuts?” Each word of that song thrusted a thousand little knives into my stomach, I felt so sick.
And then “Dress” always makes me feel some type of way. I never told you this, but it kind of always pisses me off when people associate that song with other people. That is our song, and it’s intimate, and it's sexy, and it was for me. And I remember the dress. I remember you writing that song after we were intimate all night long. After the dress and all other pieces of clothing were shed. After me tasting every bit of you. After me being inside of you. After you cried my name out… what was it, 7 times?
So yeah. Fuck your fans for that one. That is my song. I’ll gloat to myself about it if I must… and the 7 orgasms… just saying.
But if that wasn’t enough, you had to pierce me through the heart last night with “King of my Heart.” I always loved that song. I loved being your King. I don’t know if I deserved such a title, but you were always my Queen… the most powerful piece in the game. But it seems we got too caught up, and we lost this game of chess. I got knocked off the board and I wasn’t sure if my Queen would ever want me back.
But after everything, I had to show up. So I showed up.
I had to leave early, because Jesus, Mary, & Joseph that concert is over 3 hours; which is insane, Tay. Like, you’re so insanely talented and your stamina is unmatched.
But I wanted you to know, I didn’t mean to miss part of it. I would’ve stayed for all of it, but… this is probably TMI, but I actually had to change my shirt. I was trying to make it through the concert… and I was a little overdue for pumping.
I tried, Tay. I’m sorry for the situation. I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish I could stay for all your finales.
You put on the best show. But the rest of them don’t know that you’re even better behind the curtain.
I saw your team decided to tell the press we’re friends again. I have a missed voicemail from my team. I’m sure that means they confirmed. I wish it were true.
Taylor
I knew. Tree told me right before the concert started.
Karlie
Well, you didn’t seem thrown off at all so that’s good.
Taylor
Oh, I was. I am just a professional. Also, you’re a giraffe, so I could clearly see you. I had to keep telling myself to stop looking that way. But… I couldn’t believe you were really there. I had to keep checking to make sure it wasn’t in my head.
Karlie
I couldn’t believe it, myself! I was so nervous. No one threw any tomatoes at me or anything though, thankfully.
Taylor
I would’ve had to make a really weird, non-specific speech if they had!
Karlie
Can’t have mother mothering too hard, now.
Taylor
Speaking of, I was pretty blown away you came so soon after Elijah. I hope you weren’t too uncomfortable.
Karlie
It wasn’t the easiest, but I wasn’t going to miss it. That show was unlike anything I’ve ever seen, Tay. I’m so proud of you.
Taylor
Thank you. And thank you for showing up. It meant the world to me, I just didn’t know what to do with it at the time.
Karlie
Yeah, I know. But Tree was all over that. I thought maybe we’d have a lunch date planned in the media somewhere that I didn’t know about!
Taylor
I wish.
Karlie
Oh?
Taylor
Maybe one day.
Karlie
I like one day.
Taylor
Okay, Kloss. What’s next?
Karlie
*Mario voice* Here we go!
Taylor
Nerd.
Note 105.
August 3, 2023 at 11:50 PM.
It’s my birthday. Another year older. Another year without you. What the hell were we thinking, Taylor? How did we let all this time pass? I thought we’d wake up sooner. Didn’t you?
“Maroon.” Really? Really, Taylor? This song makes me physically ill every time I hear it. We had chosen each other. When did we stop choosing each other?
I can’t watch it. I can’t do it. The fans are saying you seem angry in it. Are you still angry? I’m so sorry, Taylor. I’ve made so many mistakes. We weren’t supposed to lose each other.
Taylor
I was angry. Because no, we weren’t supposed to lose each other. And also, that song is hard to perform without getting emotional. It’s easier to get through it as frustrated than as heartbroken.
Karlie
It’s a beautiful song, but I can’t listen to it without breaking down. I don’t know how you do it.
Taylor
Years of practice. Tree was such a dick that night. As I got up from the piano, she said “Well, shit. Happy Birthday, Karlie” in my in-ears. I started laughing but I was so annoyed with her.
Karlie
Tree, forever my undercover agent of chaos.
Taylor
I wonder sometimes… you haven’t been sneaking her info all these years, have you?
Karlie
No, Taylor. We didn’t talk after she gave me your number. I promise.
Taylor
Promises, promises.
Karlie
I swear on Carly Simon and James Taylor’s divorce papers.
Taylor
KARLIE NOOOOOOOOO!
Karlie
I’m that serious. But hey, there is still time for them to get back together. My shipper heart will die on that hill.
Taylor
They were born to be national treasures.
Karlie
When I told you, they’d get back together…
Taylor smiles. She wasn’t sure Karlie would get the reference so soon after the vault tracks being dropped. But, of course she does. Because she’s Karlie.
Taylor
So… you’ve discovered Suburban Legends?
Karlie
I am one half of said legends, aren’t I?
Taylor
Maybe.
Karlie
Slippery plastic summer sounds kind of dirty, btw.
Taylor cackles.
Taylor
You’re right, should’ve gone with slippery latex summer.
Karlie
I mean… you could’ve. We did use some when we were trying out that new toy in Rhode Island.
Taylor can feel herself burning up, a familiar feeling growing deep in the pit of her abdomen. She shakes her head and reminds herself to NOT go there.
Taylor
Alright enough of that, Kloss.
Karlie
But… I’m a King. I’m a Legend. I’m leaving legacies. :)
Taylor
And you’re going to be left on read if you don’t move on.
Karlie
FINE. You ready for one more?
Taylor
I think so? Let me get another glass of wine, lol.
Karlie
Fair. Alright, last one for today. This one... might be tough.
Taylor
Oh, NOW you tell me!
Note 104:
July 11, 2023 at 10:13 PM
Elijiah is here. He’s so beautiful, Tay. He should be ours. They were supposed to be ours.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Levi. I remember the immediate gut punch I felt when I realized I had to tell you. And that you wouldn’t be happy. I had always imagined I’d get to share that news with you one day and you’d be so happy.
Except I couldn’t tell you. We weren’t talking. We were broken up. You had said you needed space. And I had decided that I didn’t like that. And so I called it a breakup. Even though you fought me on that, I called it off and I walked out that night. And both of us, being so fucking stubborn, neither folded. And a night turned into a week, turned into two weeks, turned into two months, until it had been nearly half a year and I hadn’t heard from you.
And then one night I was particularly angry with you. Because there you were, all over my Instagram feed, with Joe. And after a night of heavy-handed cocktails and dancing with Josh at some event I didn’t even want to be at, I did the one thing you asked me to promise you I’d never do. I crossed the line with him.
Don’t get me wrong, I will never ever regret Levi. He is my world.
But Elijah, coming to be under more planned circumstances, I look at him and I somehow see you. I don’t know how it is, but I see you in him. I don’t know if it’s because my heart still aches for you, and the love I feel is wrapped up in him, while still hanging onto you, but there’s something about him. He’s special, Tay.
And Levi… you’d really love Levi, I swear. He’s so inquisitive. Sometimes, I wish you were here to answer his questions. I feel like you might be the only person patient enough to try and decipher what he’s saying.
I don’t know, Tay. I just wish you could meet them. I know that’s wishful thinking. I know that would be hard for you. I know we aren’t even talking. I just… I feel this need to introduce you to them. They’re a part of me, and I always planned on sharing every part of me with you. It’s so confusing, being so utterly in love with these two boys and so utterly heartbroken that you’re not here to feel it with me.
Taylor feels sick. Her head is buzzing. Her heart is aching.
She attempts to swallow the words that she’s just read but it’s as if they sit in her throat, stabbing at her windpipe, making it difficult to breathe.
She has no response for Karlie. All she feels is sadness and longing and confusion. Her brain feels like a compass going haywire just as she thought it was pointing her north again.
Taylor
I can’t right now. It’s too hard. I need to sleep on this.
Karlie
I understand. Text me tomorrow. Whenever you’re ready.
Taylor makes her way to the kitchen. She chugs straight from the opened bottle of wine. She slams it down, wipes her face with her sleeve, and let’s out a heavy breath.
“FUCK,” she screams out.
When did everything become so utterly complicated?