Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I don't have to pretend I like acid rock

Or that I'd like to be on a mega-yacht

With important men who think important thoughts

Guess maybe I am better off

Now that we don't talk”

Taylor is surprised when she feels the buzz in her pocket. Who else is up at 2 AM besides her most dedicated fans?

She accepted early on when her mom said, “I love you, Tay but you know I won’t be listening to 1989 TV until the morning… like the actual morning, when there’s sunshine.”

She drops the pen she’s been jotting her latest lyrics with. Another set of dramatic woes about a lost love. The media will claim Travis by the time this one’s released. She’ll allow them to.

She removes her phone from her pocket and her eyebrows scrunch together at the screen.

“Unknown Number”

She unlocks her phone screen and opens up the text. She lets out a small gasp at the digits on top of the new thread. She can’t pretend she doesn’t have those digits memorized. She didn’t think she’d ever see them on this phone, though.

“And I don’t have to pretend I like the 1975. I always thought Ratty was disgusting. Glad I’m not the only one now.”

“Karlie? How’d you even get this number?”

The response comes immediately, thankfully. Because Taylor’s hands are shaking and her knee is bopping up and down… and she is desperate to know why now… and her chest is also fluttering because… it’s her...

“I’ve had it for a while. And don’t pretend like you didn’t rock out to Led Zeppelin every time we came back from a night out.”

God, this woman frustrates the hell out of her. She keeps it short. She can not let this woman get under her skin. Not on such a big day.

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“Well sorry, but you told me ‘anything but Taylor Swift’ and you knew that was 99% of my collection.”

“Well the other 1% sucked.”

“Oh shut up. You’re such a brat sometimes.”

Taylor sighs. She should probably just leave it there, but there’s no doubt her body and mind are begging her to keep the conversation going. She doesn’t have to be nice about it, though.

“What do you want?”

“I want you to tell me things when you have an issue, rather than the entire public.”

Looks like someone suddenly cares about her reputation. As if Taylor is just gonna call her up and list out all the things that annoyed her during their relationship.

“Okay. I have an issue. You broke my fucking heart.”

She. Doesn’t. Have. To. Be. Nice. About. It. A reminder to herself.

“Me? Literal sunshine? No way.”

Taylor giggles. And that makes her even more angry.

“Leo needs to take a step back if she’s going to be texting me.”

Taylor just needs to put her in her place.

“Ugh you broke mine too, Taylor. I don’t exactly have the means to let the world know the feeling’s mutual.”

Taylor sighs. That’s kinda fair. But also, fuck her.

“You made your choices.”

“Being dragged onto yachts with people I hate? Yeah. Made those choices after signing a million contracts to deal with our fallout.”

Hell no. She’s not going to allow Karlie to win the blame game. Not tonight.

“If you didn’t want to deal with the paperwork then maybe you should’ve never kissed me in the first place. Then, we’d both be happier people.”

“Oh sure, Tay. Let’s just go back and never deal with the feelings we had for each other. Let’s just pretend we were besties and rage internally while we hooked up with other people. Very healthy.”

She wishes she could ignore the slight sting she feels when she reads “feelings we had for each other,” as in past tense.

“Anything would be better than this.”

“Yeah? You wish we’d never had anything? Because I remember a pretty explosive love. One that got completely shut down by your career.”

Explosive is an understatement. But she’s feeling pretty explosive about the nerve this woman has right about now.

“Fuck you. You knew the position I’m in, and you knew I would’ve given it up for you. You didn’t want me to.”

“No… I didn’t. I don’t regret that. Look where you are. You have everything you ever deserved. It’s what you always wanted and you earned it. And I’m proud of you for that. I always will be.”

This. Bitch. How dare Karlie say nice things to her. While simultaneously re-breaking her heart. The same old cycle.

“I wanted you.”

“You wanted both. And they were absolutely mutually exclusive at the time and you know that.”

Taylor hates when Karlie is logical, but especially about this. It makes it so much worse. Because then it makes sense as to why it didn’t work. Why they’re here. Why she’s not celebrating with her right now.

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“Well, I love you. Always will.”

God dammit, Karlie Kloss.

“You don’t get to say that to me.”

“Why not? It’s true.”

“Because it fucking hurts.”

“I know.”

It does fucking hurt. It still hurts so fucking bad and it will never stop hurting. Because she knows she’ll never love someone like she loved Karlie. And in a different world, with different lives, they’d be together right now.

In a world where she’s not Taylor Swift. In a world where her life isn’t under a microscope. In a world where they love without NDAs and beards and secrets. And sometimes she thinks she‘d do anything to live in that world.

But then she remembers, she’s a selfish asshole. And she loves being Taylor Swift. And she loves breaking records left and right. And she loves proving everybody wrong about her.

And again, she should leave it here. She shouldn’t keep texting her. She should probably just block the number now and move on with her life. But she can’t.

Because she never can with Karlie Kloss.

“How long have you had this number? Why haven’t you texted me before? Why now?”

“2020, when you changed it. I didn’t feel like I had a right to text you with everything going on.”

2020 - most people would think pandemic. But Taylor knows what Karlie’s insinuating. And Taylor’s a Cancer moon, which means she’s a fantastic writer, but also an absolute jackass when she’s hurt. So she says what she’s thinking.

“Oh you mean when you got yourself knocked up and tried to call me AFTER the public announcement? And so I blocked you on everything?”

“Sure.”

Fucking Karlie. It was rude of her to say it that way, and the now brunette still won’t call her out for it. Because Karlie knows her. And she knows it’s because Taylor is hurting. And she takes the heat because she always did. And that pisses Taylor off more.

“Whatever, Karlie. You should’ve never texted.”

“Well, I have 113 saved drafted texts to you in my notes app. This would’ve been 114 and it didn’t feel right to take away from your lucky number.”

“113?? Wtf Karlie?”

“You think you’re the only one with sleepless nights?”

“What do they even say?”

“Well… the early ones were a lot of feelings. Then, just little things going on in life that I wished I could tell you. You kinda became my notes app. It was the only way I could deal with things.”

Karlie. Fucking. Kloss. She hates this woman. Because she loves this woman. She loves everything about this woman.

Because this woman WOULD have 113 saved texts to her. She WOULD keep that a secret to herself for nearly 4 years. She WOULD randomly bring it up now, knowing Taylor is going to need to see those. Knowing Taylor will not be able to handle seeing those.

God, does she hate this woman.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Would you be willing to see them now?”

There it is. She knew it.

“I…. I don’t know. 113 is a lot.”

“I just feel like I have more insight into your feelings because… I mean holy shit Tay, that’s a lot of albums. Just sometimes feel like you forget I’ve had feelings too… I do have feelings.”

“You didn’t have to listen to them.”

Stay strong, Taylor.

“True. But you and I both know that Taylor Swift will always be my favorite artist. She’s only getting better with age.”

Dammit. She can feel the walls withering away. Good thing she has many of them. Good thing Karlie caused that.

“She is pretty damn good.”

“Heard she’s a billionaire now. Somehow, still not bragging about raking in dollars.”

“Been a while since she’s been getting bitches and models.”

“She could though. She looks incredible.”

And Taylor’s not going to read into that. And she’s still kinda annoyed. She wants to banter. Because with Karlie, it’s addictive. But she’s also still kinda a bitter bitch, so…

“Yeah I heard about this model who only married billionaires. Apparently, Taylor still doesn’t have enough billions for her.”

“Well that’s completely false, but if that’s what Taylor Swift wants to think, who is anyone to question God, herself?”

It really pisses Taylor off how calm this woman can stay in any scenario. Except for when they ask her about Taylor Swift in interviews. Then she develops a slight speech impediment.

“She’s not stupid.”

“Only a little bitter?”

“Not as bitter as a certain model’s cookie recipe.”

“I messed up one time! You know my baking is usually better than yours. I can take you in any baking competition.”

“You can take me in any way.”

She didn’t mean to text it. She can’t help it. Their banter was always her favorite. And she can’t lie that it always made her a little bit… excitable.

Because she’s a lady, but she swears Karlie’s quick wit and ability to go back and forth with her always turned her into a horny teenage boy.

“Well, that’s a convo for another day. Because I cannot acknowledge the blood rushing to my cheeks right now. I’d like to circle back to 113 notes. Can I have 113 small moments of your time? Please?”

“I don’t know. Maybe slowly? Can we start lighter? I don’t even know what’s happening right now. Should we even be texting each other?”

What IS happening right now? Why is she texting sexual innuendos to her ex? Granted it was light hearted, but 2 minutes ago she wanted to set this phone on fire. What is wrong with her?? How does Karlie still do this to her?

“I don’t believe any laws have been broken. Shit, unless there was a clause in that NDA? It was so long, Tay… I read it like 20 times but I still can’t remember it all.”

Taylor giggles. Then, frowns. As much as Karlie hurt her, she knows she also has put this woman through a lot. She sighs.

“No, no clause about texting me. Fine. But I can’t do it all at once, Karlie. It’s going to be really hard for me.”

“I understand. I mean, try listening to Folklore and Evermore from my POV. I puked like 100 times.“

Most people would think it’s an exaggeration, but Taylor knows that Karlie does get physically sick when she’s really upset. And it’s hard to swallow that it’s probably true.

“That means you have 13 more before you catch up to your notes.”

“Shit! Okay. Alexa, play ‘Hoax’ 13 times please.”

And that one makes her stomach curl in on itself. Part of her wants to just click on the little arrow next to the number, press that call icon, and scream out, “Baby, don’t make yourself sick, please. I love you. I’m sorry. Come back.”

But she won’t. She can’t. She has no place to. And they aren’t even the same people they once were. She doesn’t even know this person on the other side of this text thread anymore.

Maybe she does want to get a taste of who she’s become. Maybe she needs that.

“5 a day. Then 2 on the last day. You have 23 days to let me in on those thoughts of yours, Karlie Kloss.”

“I accept. We’re going backwards. I think that will be easier for you.”

“So then on day 23, you’re going to murder me?”

“Probably.”

“Fair. So, I guess you can start sending them tomorrow? But no more listening to ‘Hoax’ in the meantime.”

“Oh, I can’t listen to the Folkmore eras once the weather turns colder. That’s like emotional suicide.”

“It really is. Alright, tomorrow?”

“Well… does that mean today?”

“Ha... yeah, I guess. It means let me sleep on this because I’m processing a lot.”

“So text you sometime after 1 PM when you rise from the dead, then?“

“Shh. I’m on a teenager’s sleep cycle.”

“I know. Your brain works best on the graveyard shift. I remember numerous times, waking up to you gone, only to hear the light melodies coming from your studio.”

“Sorry. Artist brain.”

“No, it was the best way to wake up. Well… second best way.”

Ignore it. Don’t you dare think about it.

“After 1 PM, it is.”

“Get some sleep. And congrats on 1989 TV. It’s insane.”

“Thank you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, you little genius.”

And somehow, all these years later, a compliment from Karlie Kloss is still better than any award, any article, any fandom boom.

She has no idea what she has just gotten herself into. 113 ways to backtrack on all the healing she’s done? 113 reminders of how much she loves this human being who has caused her so much pain?

113 reasons for Taylor Swift’s downfall? Probably.

Fuck. Always such a damn fool for Karlie Kloss.

Chapter Text

October 27, 2023 (cont'd.)

Taylor stumbles out of bed at 12:35 PM. She’s happy to live alone so no one interrupts her journey from bed to coffee pot.

Staring at the machine in an attempt to mind-control it into brewing faster, Taylor stretches her arms out above her head and lets out an exaggerated yawn.

She grabs her creamer from the fridge as she hears the final spattering of freshly brewed coffee.

She grabs her cup, mixes in the creamer, and breathes in the steam and scent of her favorite morning treat… okay, maybe more like her morning addiction.

Buzz.

Her pocket vibrates as she’s taking her first sip. She groans. No. No, she needs at least one cup of caffeine before she’s dealing with anyone.

She doesn’t bother to take her phone out of the pocket of her oversized sweatshirt, as she moves to sit at the kitchen table. She likes to have her first coffee in silence, willing the world away a little bit longer.

Staring out the glass door that opens out to her balcony, she sighs as she takes in the view of the city. So many people out there, off to lunch breaks, living their lives, possibly wondering what Taylor Swift is up to. She giggles at the thought of that. Still weirds her out. Plus, it’s just funny because this is literally all she’s doing.

Buzz.

She huffs. I swear to God, Tree. She knows it has to be her. Who else would be ballsy enough to text her twice before 1 PM on her day off?

Buzz. Ignore.

Buzz. Ignore.

Buzz. Ignore.

Buzz. Ignore.

She drains the end of her coffee, before standing up to refill her cup. She decides she can manage minimal human interaction at this point and grabs her phone from her pocket.

Buzz. Jesus.

7 New Messages from Karlie Kloss

Shit. Karlie. She almost forgot about it. Or maybe she thought she dreamt it all.

Karlie (12:47 PM)
…Ready for it? 13.

(12:48 PM)
12.

(12:49 PM)
11.

(12:50 PM)
10.

(12:51 PM)
“Twelve! Fifty! One!” Come on now, sing The Strokes with me. 9.

(12:52 PM)
Or don’t. 8

(12:53 PM)
7.

Taylor’s smile widens. It used to annoy her sometimes when Karlie would latch onto eccentric pieces of Taylor’s character and mimic it. Her insecurities when she was younger made it feel like Karlie was mocking her. But right now, at age 33, she can only see it as flattery.

Taylor
Really, Kloss? A 13-minute countdown?

Karlie ( 12:54 PM)
She’s alive! Let the games begin. 6.

Taylor
Should I be nervous? Are we counting down to a blastoff?

Karlie ( 12:55 PM)
No. It’s going to be okay, Tay. As long as you’ve had your coffee. You’ve had your coffee, right? 5.

Taylor
One cup.

Karlie
Only one!? Oh god you have less than 5 minutes to trade in your “morning” monster for my girl, Taylor. Please chug another cup. Immediately.

“My girl,” is a throwback and it causes a nostalgic ache to run through her entire body, but Taylor tries to ignore it.

Taylor
Already on it.

Karlie (12 :56 PM)
Good. 4.

Taylor
I’m actually a little scared.

Karlie
Me too. Don’t know how you pour it out into all your songs so easily. Sharing feelings is fucking terrifying. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to reach out… but you have no idea how much better I slept last night knowing I’d get to text you again today.

Taylor
Karlie… I don’t know if you should be saying those things.

Karlie (12 :57 PM)
Well, I’m trying this new thing where I tell the truth out loud, rather than assuming everyone already knows it. Kind of helps to avoid people you care about assuming you’re a liar and a cheat, instead. 3.

Taylor freezes for a second at the words. She thinks of the last words she had said to Karlie before she cut her off for… what she thought was forever.

“You’re a liar and a cheat, Karlie Kloss! Do not ever contact me again.”

Hung up. Blocked. Devastated.

Taylor
Still hanging onto that one, I see.

Karlie ( 12:58 PM)
It hurt. 2.

Taylor
I’m sorry I said that. But it’s how I felt. To be honest, it is still how I feel.

Karlie
I know. I hope you change your mind.

Taylor
Karlie… tell me I can handle this.

Karlie (12:59 PM)
You can handle anything. You’re Taylor Swift. 1.

Taylor
Okay. Okay, I’m ready.

Karlie
One at a time?

Taylor
Yes, for now at least.

Karlie (1:00 PM)
0. Blastoff.

Note 113.

October 26, 2023 at 9:51 PM

I’m so stressed out about 1989 (Your version). And I don’t even know why. Most of those songs aren’t about me.

But, “You are in Love”??

Absolutely fucking terrified. What if it’s not the same? What if I can tell by the tone in your voice that it’s changed?

But it has changed. It’s all changed.

I am so sorry it’s changed, Tay.

And I know “Style,” was not written for me, but it always felt like our song, you know? It launched us as the powerful pair I always felt we were together… being next to you— you always made me feel so much bigger than I could’ve ever imagined.

I remember walking down the runway with you, that song playing, your hand in mine. The way you looked at me as we released our hands at the edge of the runway, where I left you to perform your heart out. The moment may have been caught on tape, but it’s also burned into my memory. I had to fight to hold it together because I knew that look. I knew it well.

So it came as no surprise what happened in your trailer after the show.

But, remember Tree? Oh my god, that was so funny. She was so mad at us.

“Taylor! I told you to keep your hands north of Karlie’s Mason Dixon line until you get home!” And then you shouting back something about how problematic that metaphor was… while she slammed the trailer door shut.

Poor Tree. I’m surprised she didn’t quit with the number of times we scarred her.

I know we all grow up. I don’t mind the aging lines, and everything makes more sense with the experience and wisdom that comes with time.

But I can’t say I don’t miss being stupid fools together sometimes. Stupid, lovesick, twenty-somethings, and absolute fools. It felt unstoppable, didn’t it?

If you knew how we’d end up… would you change anything from back then? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t lose a second with you. I’ve already lost too many since.

These vault tracks better be good, though. And I will gladly pretend they’re not about Dianna once again, as I did on our road trip. Because I was able to hold on just fine to that steering wheel, imprinting the dents of my fingers into it... to deal with the boiling jealousy I felt at the thought of you with her. Because I was falling in love with you. But you knew that. And you’d tell me that soon after. Because you’re a fucking mastermind.

Maybe I’ll just imagine I’m back in Big Sur. Maybe that will give me comfort to get through this.

Congratulations, Tay. I really wish I could have had heard it first. But I’ll be streaming at 12:01 AM. I always am.

The memories make her body flush from head to toe. Yes, yes she misses being 24 and hooking up in dressing rooms. Yes, she misses the look Karlie would give her every time Tree would screech after walking in on them. Yes, she misses the two of them dominating the whole scene together.

But she also doesn’t miss the aloofness of Karlie Kloss. That part of her that didn’t hold quite enough space for Taylor’s feelings in the end. The part that assumed everything would always be fine. Because it wouldn’t be. It wasn’t fine.

Taylor
Would I change anything? Um, yeah, I’d change the part where you ripped out my fucking heart and stomped all over it.

Karlie
Okay, going straight to that part, are we?

Taylor
It stands out.

Karlie
I meant, would you change any of the good… knowing there would be bad?

Taylor
Yes. I’d make sure to listen to my brother and never date an underwear model.

Karlie
First of all, Ouch. Second of all, there’s no way Austin said that.

Taylor
You’re right, it was my dad.

Karlie
Well, not as surprising. But also… Ouch, Mr. Swift. I really thought I won him over. Damn.

Taylor
You see? This is the problem. You always do this. Make jokes out of my feelings.

Karlie
I’m sorry, but have you considered it’s my own coping mechanism to deal with you bulldozing past mine? I don’t know when you got this idea that I am made of stone? But I’m trying to open up to you and I know you’re angry and I know you’re going to pick fights with me, and I can take it. And I am trying to allow space for you to do that, while still holding space for myself. But it’s unfair to think it doesn’t hurt me.

Because yeah, Tay, it really does fucking hurt to think your dad apparently saw me as some brainless underwear model. Would’ve been nice to know that that first Christmas when I was pulling every trick in the book out to engage him in small talk and he literally ignored me, before going on and on at the dinner table about what a ‘nice lady’ Austin’s girlfriend was.

Taylor notes that Karlie has just acknowledged in one message all her anxieties regarding their past communication style with each other. Almost as if she read her mind. Maybe she has grown. Maybe that pisses her off.

Taylor
He was just being protective of me.

Karlie
Yeah, I know. Would’ve been nice if you’d been a bit more protective of your girlfriend, though.

Taylor sighs. Her dad was always an issue in their relationship. He finally started coming around to Karlie near the end. But… he was a tough sell. He was very traditional and while he loved Taylor unconditionally, he had trouble loving her significant others the same. He was always so worried they’d ruin everything she had worked for. As if Taylor loving a woman was entirely on the other person.

Taylor
You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve taken better care of you. You know how it is with him. I am forever desperate for his approval. But truly, I’m sorry I wasn’t more defensive of you and our relationship. You were really patient with that.

Karlie
Thank you for saying that. I know this is… probably feeling insane right now. But I want you to say it- what you’re feeling.

Taylor
I want that, too. And I don’t want everything to be treated as a joke when I say something that makes you uncomfortable. We won’t be able to do this, if so.

Karlie
Okay, thank you for telling me that. It’s been a while. I was afraid of making you uncomfortable but I didn’t mean to come off as dismissive of your feelings. I swear, I just want to make this as normal as possible for you. Even though it’s not normal. It’s really weird. But it just… feels right?

Taylor thinks on it. And she nods her head to herself for a few seconds, as if the woman can see her, before responding.

Taylor
I don’t know why, but yeah. It does. So we agree… we just say what we’re thinking? Open and honest?

Karlie
I think we don’t have another choice. We already tried the other way. 🙄

Taylor
Okay, then I need to ask— how was the mental trip to Big Sur?

Karlie
Both comforting and heartbreaking.

Taylor
Did you notice the cover change?

Karlie
I forced myself to just assume you went to a beach with Dianna once or twice.

Taylor
You know why I changed it.

Karlie
Yeah. I know.

Tears begin to subtly form at the corner of Taylor’s eyes and she sniffles as she types her next response.

Taylor
Okay… hit me.

Karlie
Okay, but I have a lot of embarrassment around this one.

Note 112.

October 16, 2023 at 10:33 PM

They hate me, Taylor. They all hate me.

I feel so trapped right now. Everything is more complicated than they could ever know.

I hate this. I wish you were here with me. You’d know what to do. You’d know what to say.

They don’t know me, Tay. They don’t know me at all. You knew me. You knew my heart. I just wish they all still believed your version of me from way back then. I wish I still believed in that version of me. I don’t know which version is real anymore.

I’m lost, Tay. They’re eating me alive out here. They say I deserve it. I guess I deserve it.

I just wish you were here. I need your arms around me. I need your comfort. I need you. I still fucking need you.

It kills Taylor to read it. She knows what Karlie’s referring to. She’s been so confused about the brunette’s approach to the issue for days now.

Taylor
To be honest, I think you needed Tree more than me.

Karlie
Oh so you can joke, but I can’t??

Taylor
I mean, I did see some of the responses. They’ve been ruthless. But I’m still trying to comprehend where your publicist was??

Karlie
It’s complicated. I can’t really talk about it.

Taylor
It’s in paperwork, isn’t it?

Karlie
Fine print.

Taylor
Fuck, Kar. I’m sorry.

Karlie
It’s bad.

Taylor
I’m not going to pretend it’s not, but I’m the coward who never says anything so who am I to say?

Karlie
I need you to remind me, Tay.

Taylor knows what she's asking for. The words she'd repeat every time the fans decided to turn on her. The calming reminder after the emotional whiplash of the media trying to turn them against each other. 

Taylor
You’re not a bad person, Kar.

Karlie
I need you to say it all, Tay.

Taylor can do this. She can do this for Karlie. Despite how much Karlie hurt her, Karlie doesn't deserve to be painted as a monster. She's not a monster. She's never been a monster.

Taylor
You’re not a bad person, Kar. I know who you are. They don’t. Don’t let them eclipse my sunshine.

Karlie
It’s been so long since I’ve believed that. Do you even still believe that?

Taylor
Sometimes people get burned by the sun, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s still Sunshine.

Karlie
Wow. Please tell me you’ll write a song about sunburn and heartbreak on your next album.

Taylor
Nope. That’s in a vault that should never be opened.

Karlie
Thank you, Taylor.

Taylor
For the record, I would’ve held you tight that night. I would’ve whispered in your ear reminders of your radiance and your goodness.

Karlie
I would’ve never let go.

Taylor shakes her head back and forth. She takes a deep breath. She wipes away an escaped tear.

Taylor
Okay, how about the next one?

Karlie
This one is more positive.

Taylor
Oh thank god, because I’m on a cliff side screaming, "Give me a reason!"

Karlie
Taylor! You’re joking…

Taylor
I am. I’m at home. Carry on.

Karlie
One day we really need to address the suicidal references.

Taylor
Not today!

Karlie
Okay, fine.

Note 111.

October 11, 2023 at 3:50 PM.

I got wind of rumors I’ll be attending your premiere. I wish they were true.

I want to be there. But I can’t be there. First of all, you didn’t invite me. Second of all, half your fans still want me to disappear from the planet.

But then there’s that small group. The ones that are so excited. I feel bad for them. Looks like I’ll be disappointing them tonight, too.

But you won’t. You never disappoint. I’m so proud of you. This whole tour has been unbelievable. And you, you really are something else. I always knew you were brilliant. But you’ve really become a legend.

Congrats on another amazing feat! You are the music industry. You are every industry. You are everything. 

Taylor’s heart flutters in her chest at the last line. She swallows.

Taylor
That was sweet. Thank you. The Kaylors definitely missed you, though. But, you'll never disappoint them. They can see all the things that made me fall in love with you. Probably, because they can actually read.

Karlie
I'll take what I can get, these days. I saw how much you interacted with your fans that night. You’re so lovely, Tay. And your dress was… like wow. So beautiful. So, so beautiful. You looked like a classic Hollywood icon.

Taylor
Thank you. It was one of my favorite looks, so thank you for saying that.

Karlie
I was trying to figure out the print… were they daisies?

Nope. She won't be acknowledging that one.

Taylor
Next note, please.

Karlie
Lol. Alright…

Note 110.

October 1, 2023 at 11:33 PM

Really? Travis Kelce??

I think it’s fake. I hope it’s fake. Or if there is any realness to it, please let it just be sex and some fun. You deserve a good lay with all you do for the world, but please don’t let this be love.

I know you once told me that while you could enjoy sex with a man, that it never compared to the love and pleasure you found with a woman.

But you may have changed since we’ve last spoken. People are so much more open to the fluidity of sexuality these days, maybe you’ve found a new place on the spectrum. Which is fine.

But please, I just can’t handle it being love. I can’t. Not him. Not knowing the depth of what we experienced together.

He’ll never be able to give you those moments. The way I’d pause and look down into your eyes while twisted between bedsheets. How we’d connect through mouthy breaths and nips at glistening skin and a movement against one another that could only be described as elemental.

You cannot tell me that your desire for him is on a spiritually primal level. That your souls are so attracted to one another, there is a magnetic force physically pulling the vessels that house them closer together.

Because that was us, Taylor. You deserve nothing less than that. Maybe, I do. Maybe, I am the terrible person they all think I am. But you, Taylor Alison Swift? You deserve that and so much more.

Taylor feels like she can’t breathe. Her palms are sweaty. There’s a lump in her throat. Her body feels hot all over. She drops her phone on the kitchen table and rushes to open the balcony door. She gasps for air as the cool breeze hits her face. She steps out, grabs hold of the balcony, squeezes her eyes together.

Her mind is suddenly overloaded with images of her with Karlie. And not the times they’ve joked about, not the quick fucks in the back of the car, or the nights of drunken passionate madness.

No, it’s the other nights. The nights where she learned what “making love” actually meant.

She’d never experienced it before. It was something she’d been blocking out of her mind. It’s been easier to hate Karlie, than to remember how much she loved her. And in just a few words, Karlie has brought her back there.

Elemental. Primal. It was something indescribable and somehow Karlie… the one who she used to make fun of for tripping over words, had actually found a way to put it into words.

The way Karlie would look into her eyes and dance with her soul, while her body danced with hers, as they met one another in a blissful fantasy.

She sometimes wonders if it was ever real. Yes, the sex was hot. But the love making... the love making with Karlie Kloss was something entirely different. Nights when their cores would meet one another and eyes would meet one another and they’d transport into another universe where all the love released between them lit up the galaxy with an infinite source of energy.

She wanted to forget those nights. She’d never felt them since. She’s sure she never will again. Those nights were special to her and Karlie. Only her and Karlie.

Taylor opens her eyes and takes another deep breath. She starts counting her breaths in fours, attempting to re-center herself.

As her anxiety begins to fall, she hears a faint buzzing in the background.

She turns around. Back to the kitchen.

Incoming call from Karlie Kloss

She hesitates. She answers.

“Kar-“ she breathes out.

“Are you okay??” Karlie asks immediately, “I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you.”

“Your voice.”

“What? What about it?”

“It’s everything.”

“Oh." There's a moment of silence between them. It's comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. "Are you okay?” Karlie asks again.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay. Just... memories," and she leaves it at that.

"Well you scared me, when you disappeared for like 20 minutes."

Taylor scrunches her eyebrows together. She looks at her phone to check the time. She didn't even realize how long she had spiraled on that one. She sighs. She pulls her phone back to her ear.

“Karlie. What are we doing?”

“Relearning.” She doesn't miss a beat.

“For what?”

Karlie doesn't respond immediately this time.

“Something," is all she says.

“Something?”

“Our souls were meant for something, Taylor."

Fuck. She is so screwed.

“I can’t. Karlie, I can’t."

Taylor releases a small sob. This is too much. It's everything she has needed but it's all too much. 

“One more today. It’s not that bad. Mostly about how bad I wanted to fuck you at the VMAs.”

“Karlie!” Taylor chokes out a laugh.

“Okay that’s not all of it… how about I send it later? We don’t need to talk anymore today. I want to give you your space to process. Is that okay?”

“I… okay. God, you said these later ones wouldn’t be as bad.”

“I mean, they’re not… but hey, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, right?”

“What are you training me for!?”

“A new chapter.”

A new chapter. That sounds nice. But can they have a new chapter, when the old chapter was left half-open, half-closed? Can they have a new chapter, knowing it will never be like that one... knowing they can never have that one back? Taylor resigns to letting time tell... which terrifies her. 

“Okay.”

“I’ll send the last one at 5 PM. We don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Go take some time for yourself.”

“Okay… bye, Kar.”

“Bye, babe.”

And she flinches at the nickname, but also finds comfort in its familiarity. Ugh. This really is going to be a marathon.

She spends the rest of her day writing… a lot. In her studio, she puts together layers of sheet music. One particular set of lyrics she knows her mom would send "right to the vault!" It's not her fault. She has unintentionally re-opened the 'sex with Karlie Kloss' memory gate and it's either write about it or do something about it... and she definitely CANNOT do something about it.

She grabs her empty coffee cup and lunch plate from earlier and heads to the kitchen to place them in the dishwasher. She shuts the door to the appliance.

Buzz.

1 new message from Karlie Kloss

Karlie (4:47 PM)
Hi! I’m sorry to bother you early. I just was thinking about how when you’re stressed you sometimes forget to eat and I wanted to make sure you’ve had some food? Because I’m not sending you Note 109 until I know for sure you’ve done so.

She laughs.

Taylor
Relax, Mom. I had a large lunch and my brain is already running through recipes for dinner.

Karlie
Okay, good. Just wanted to make sure. Okay, I’ll send you the last one at 5. I don’t expect any response, but I’m here if you need me.

Taylor
Thank you, Karlie.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t know what they’re doing. She’s terrified by the level of comfort a few sentences in a text from Karlie Kloss can give to her.

For once in her life, she knows nothing. She has no idea where this is going to go. She has no idea how her heart is going to handle it. She has no idea how to stop herself, but she doesn’t want to.

5:00 PM. Buzz.

Note 109.

September 13, 2023 at 12:37 AM

Fuck, Tay. You look so good tonight. I’m completely and utterly “gobsmacked” as your brother used to say. Which I never understood where he got that?? He’s not British. Such a goof.

But anyway, I’m mad at you. I’m mad at you for having so much fun tonight. I’m mad at you for looking so fucking happy. I’m mad at you for being at one event, while I was at another. I’m mad at you because I really don’t know who you wore that dress for, but if you’re dressing for revenge… success.

You probably don’t even realize I’m doing the same. I picked it out for you. You always said I looked “handsome as HELLLLL” in a suit. You loved it. And I loved that you loved it… even if it meant I’d have my team sewing on new buttons right before the event because you couldn’t control yourself long enough to NOT rip the button down off.

So yeah, I’m also mad at you for, again, looking so fucking good tonight. I cannot get over your dress. The way it cuts at your chest, the slit down your legs.

God, your legs. They’ve had some kind of cosmic evolution, I swear. They always had me. Long and thin… but they’re some extra level of toned these days. Just… other worldly, Tay.

But it also has me thinking… about how healthy you look. And I’m so proud of you, babe. So, so proud.

But it has me sitting here, almost irrationally angry with myself. It used to keep me up at night, Tay. Once you finally told me. Once we started working on it together. But… I should’ve seen it earlier. And I hate myself a little bit every day for not catching you before you fell that far.

Tonight had me thinking of our night at the AMAs. How protective I felt over you. I always was. But, how small and fragile you seemed, looking back now. That kills me.

How did I ever let my world lose her light? What a fool I was. So lost in all the garbage of being in our twenties. All of us, obsessed with every part of our appearance. I was so worried about myself, I didn’t think to check on you. I should’ve checked on you. You shouldn’t have had to tell me flat out that you were struggling. I’m so sorry, Taylor. If I could go back, I would. And I promise I would’ve made sure to pay more attention.

I love you. In any state, and every era. You’re so beautiful. Always.

Congratulations on all your awards. You so earned them.

She’s teary-eyed again, and now Karlie’s earlier text makes more sense.

She responds to Karlie with a simple heart emoji. She can’t bare to say more right now.

Karlie
You are perfect as you are. Talk tomorrow, beautiful.

She’s starting to think she needs to get “Karlie Fucking Kloss” tattooed on herself somewhere, the number of times it runs through her brain.

And so she goes into her contact, and she goes to edit the recently saved number.

Karlie Fucking Kloss

Saved.

Chapter Text

October 28, 2023

Taylor awakes earlier the next day to the familiar buzz coming from her phone. She yawns, stretches her arms above her head, and turns to her bedside table to grab her device. As she removes it from her charger, she feels an additional weight on her legs and hears a gargled “meow” coming from the furry creature that has joined her.

“Oh hello, Benjamin. Good morning to you, too,” Taylor says as she adjusts herself so she is now seated up against the headboard of her bed, legs out in front of her.

Benjamin makes his way up to her lap and curls right into her, not making another sound.

She softly scratches at his ears and looks down at her phone.

New Message from Tree (7:40 AM)

Shocking. She opens the message.

Tree
Taylor, remember you need to get your ass out of bed because we have a meeting with Travis’ team at 11 AM. If you don’t respond by 8 AM, I am calling in reinforcements.

Taylor
Ugh, relax, Tree. I’m up.

Tree
Good, I’ll be over in 30.  I’ll bring coffee.

Taylor
Better be a lot of coffee.

Tree
XL and I’ll have a double espresso for you, too.

Taylor
Sometimes I think you’re the only woman who knows the way to my heart.

Tree
Shut up. I’ll be there soon, honey. GET SHOWERED NOW. I’m bringing hair and makeup.

Taylor
I hate you.

Tree
You love me. Get in the shower.

Taylor sighs.

“Guess we gotta get up, buddy. Where are your sisters? Oh god did Meredith kill Dibbles? We better go check it out, dude.”

Benjamin leaps off the bed at Taylor’s sudden movements. They make their way to the kitchen to find Olivia pawing at her food bowl.

“Dibbles! You live another day! We love to see it.”

Another deep, gurgled meow comes from the other side of the kitchen. Taylor looks toward the sound to find Meredith sitting and glaring at her, tail whipping in place every few seconds to accentuate her general disapproval.

“Ah, yes, the queen has arrived. Alright you three, let’s get you fed before Meredith eats one of you.”

Taylor fills each cat’s food and water bowls before running back upstairs to grab a quick shower. By the time she’s out of the shower, casually dressed, and dabbing her damp hair with a towel, she hears her phone ring.

“Hello? …Yes, send them up.”

She hangs her towel on the rack in her bathroom and makes her way downstairs just as Tree and a few other team members walk through the door.

“Taylor! Good morning. Double espresso for you.”

Taylor grabs the small drink and throws it back.

“To the face!” she says as she slams the cup down.

Tree rolls her eyes. “Okay, and your extremely large coffee for SIPPING.”

“TO THE FACE!” she jokes as she grabs the other cup.

Tree ignores her as she directs the other members of the team.

“Hair and makeup needs to set up here. I need to be able to talk with Taylor while you’re getting her ready.”

Taylor watches as Tree puts everyone in their places. Laptops are set up, hair straighteners and curlers plugged in, makeup splayed across her kitchen counter. Before she knows it, she’s seated near her counter while face makeup is being applied, her hair is being pinned up to start straightening, and Tree is sitting across from her on her laptop.

“Alright, Taylor, the meeting today is going to be a bit of a strategy assessment. We’ll be discussing the number of games coming up that you’ll need to attend and also the Argentina shows. I just want to brief you on some things before the meeting. Sound good?”

“Sounds awful, but sure,” Taylor says as she quickly steals a sip of her coffee while the makeup artist is looking through her color palette.

Right then, a buzz comes from the kitchen table. Tree turns to grab Taylor’s phone and freezes.

“Taylor.”

“What?” Taylor questions, seeing Tree staring down at her cell phone. “Give me my phone. Who is it?”

“Taylor…” Tree repeats.

Taylor pales. She realizes there is only one person who could be texting her that would leave Tree at a loss for words.

“Tree—”

“Taylor, why the FUCK is Karlie Kloss texting you?”

It’s awkward to say the least, when everyone in the room immediately stops what they’re doing and eyes focus between Taylor and Tree., darting back and forth like animals assessing their prey.

Taylor swallows, “Um. It’s not like that…”

Tree doesn’t let her say anymore before making an announcement, “Everyone, take 5. I don’t care where you take it, but get out of this room right now.”

There is shuffling and tripping and bumping into one another until they are all scurrying out of the room.

Taylor’s eyes are on Tree. Tree’s eyes are on Taylor’s phone.

“Tree…” Taylor tries.

“No, Taylor. I need to know exactly how long you have been in contact. Why the hell didn’t you tell me? This could be disastrous.”

“Tree, it’s really not like that, okay? She texted me after the release of 1989 TV, so literally since yesterday.”

“Okay, and why did she contact you?” Tree says putting the phone down and typing something on her laptop.

“It was about one of the vault tracks, it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay, if it’s not a big deal then why is she texting you again today?”

Taylor sighs. She’s not sure how detailed she wants to be about this. After all, it is rather personal. But also, she knows she needs to tell Tree in case… well, in case anything else ever comes of this? She shakes her head at that. No, don’t even start thinking that way.

“It’s… kind of complicated. She has some things she wants to tell me. Basically, some messages she’s written to me over the years that she wants to share because she feels like she hasn’t been able to let me in on her feelings on everything.”

Tree pauses, staring at her laptop. She removes her hands from the keyboard and turns to Taylor with a soft expression on her face.

“Taylor, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she says. And Taylor can tell this is Tree, her friend speaking, outside of work mode.

“I know. I thought the same thing. But, she’s right that she’s been able to hear my feelings through my music. And, everything ended so abruptly and then the pandemic happened... I’m still not even sure how she got my number back then, actually…” Taylor trails off in thought.

Tree looks down, her knee bopping up and down nervously.

“Oh, about that…”

Taylor squints her eyes at Tree, but says nothing, waiting for Tree to continue.

“Look, it was 2020 and you were in a really bad place and I may have given it to her and asked her to try and check in. But she said she couldn’t based on whatever you said to her last? I don’t know what happened and I’m sorry… but I was worried about you and I thought she might be the only one who could… help.”

Taylor stares at Tree for what feels like an hour to the redhead, before bursting out laughing.

“Tree Paine, secretly trying to reconnect Kaylor? Plot twist, indeed.”

Tree shakes her head with a smile, “I just wanted you to be okay. I’m glad you’re here on the other side of it, but… Taylor…”

Taylor’s face turns serious, “I know. But Tree, I also really need this. I can’t explain it. But that hole that’s been there since 2020 is starting to feel a little smaller. And I’ve only gotten the tiniest glimpse into what she’s been feeling so far.”

Tree sighs, and pauses thoughtfully before asking, “Do we think this is going to be a full reconnection?”

Taylor bites her bottom lip, eyes off in the distance. Could it be?

“I don’t know. We’re not making plans to hang out or anything. She’s just slowly sending me these pieces of herself from the last few years. I’ll keep you updated?” Taylor says, eyes now focused back on Tree.

Tree nods, “If ANYTHING changes, you need to tell me. If she wants to meet with you or if feelings change, whatever it is, I need to know.”

Taylor feels her face flush at the mention of feelings changing. Because that’s fucking terrifying.

“Got it.”

“Okay, then. Here. Respond to your girlfriend. I’ll go grab the crew,” Tree says tossing Taylor her phone and heading out of the kitchen.

“Not my girlfriend!” she shouts at the retreating redhead, before glancing down at her phone.

New Message from Karlie Fucking Kloss

Oops. She forgot she renamed her that.

Karlie
Hey, Tay. Don’t know your schedule today and just wanted to see when the best time to message you is? Levi has piano lessons this AM, but I have some availability this afternoon.

Taylor
Piano lessons? He’s probably better than you already.

Karlie
He actually might be.

Taylor
I have a meeting at 11 AM, and then I have to check in with Jack on some things for the next re-record, but I’ll be home around 4 PM. Then, it’s a lowkey day.

Karlie
Ooh which is next? Reputation? Should I keep you rightfully pissed off for that one?

Taylor
Girl, I’m always pissed off. But you’ll find out when everyone else does.

Karlie
When EVERYONE ELSE does!? Damn. Right through the heart.

Karlie may be trying to keep it light, but Taylor knows it bothers her that she’s not the first one to know about Taylor’s work— that she hasn’t been in a while. It’s just as hard for Taylor. Every song, every creative decision, every mastermind moment she’s had since they’ve lost touch has been a subtle burden to carry home with her, knowing Karlie won’t be there waiting for her with a wine glass in hand, ready to hear Taylor drone on for hours about her process.

And she’s not ready to revisit her feelings around that. Or the fact that she’s done more creatively in the last few years than she has in her life and Karlie hasn’t been there for any of it. If she starts down that path, she’s afraid the volcano will erupt and words and emotions will spew out of her like lava, fast and hot and possibly fatal if she’s not careful. How Karlie could cause just the tiniest shift in her foundation with one text, the tiniest shift that could launch an explosion, is beyond Taylor. But no, she can’t do that right now. So she takes a deep breath and switches topics.

Taylor
So… guess who picked up my phone when you texted?

Karlie
Olivia!? My BEST best friend?

Taylor
Olivia can’t even use her paws to defend herself, let alone text. Tree.

Karlie
Oh god. Are you in trouble? Tell her it was my fault.

Taylor
Oh, I did. I also found out she’s the little demon who you got my number from. Why didn’t you tell me?

Karlie
She had reached out in concern, and I didn’t want you to be upset with her. It was a long time ago.  

Taylor’s face flushes, feeling a mix of embarrassment and anxiety.

Taylor
God, what did she tell you?

Karlie
You’ll find out later on… in one of those notes somewhere down the line. But don’t overthink it, Tay. Really.

Naturally, Taylor is annoyed that Karlie can tell she’s stressing out about what Tree might’ve let Karlie in on back then. And so naturally, Taylor decides to be curt. Because now she’s a little pissed off (per usual) at both of them.

Taylor
It’s fine. I have to get back to hair and makeup. You can text me after 4 PM.

Karlie
Okay. Have a good day, Taylor.

Taylor slams her phone down on the counter, crosses her arms, and awaits hair and makeup to return. Karlie Fucking Kloss.

They finish getting her ready for the day as Tree walks through expectations for the meeting. The meeting goes smoothly, even if she hates every minute of it, and then she spends time with Jack. She decides not to let him in on her text message rekindling with Karlie. She’s not ready to talk about it with him right now. They stick to business… and even if business sometimes includes finessing old lyrics they both know are related to Karlie, they never mention it.

When Taylor arrives home, she’s more exhausted than she expected to be. Probably from the fewer hours of sleep she got last night after being up late… overthinking, per usual.

She removes her phone from her coat pocket before hanging it in the closet, takes off her heeled loafers, and drops her purse on the kitchen island before heading to the fridge. She grabs a bottle of white wine and a glass from the cabinet and pours herself a hefty single serving.

She takes a sip and sighs, relaxing her shoulders. Benjamin and Olivia make their way over to her, softly purring as they wind between her legs. Meredith comes behind them and nudges her face against Taylor’s legs before making her way out of the room.

“The drive-by hello it is, Mer! Hey guys,” Taylor says as she leans down and pets both cats still lingering, “I have been informed that you were already fed, so I think you’re looking for something you’re not going to get,” she says and then laughs as Olivia groans and walks away.

“I swear your sisters only like me for my money,” she says to Benjamin.

Benjamin sits and stares up at her, head tilted to the side.

“Great talk, bud.”

She grabs her wine glass and phone, heads to the living room and collapses on the couch. Benjamin follows and plops down on the cushion on the opposite end.

She takes another sip of her wine and leans her head back and shuts her eyes for a second to enjoy the quiet.

Buzz.

God fucking dammit. Not even a second of peace.

She glances at her now lit up phone.

New Message from Karlie Fucking Kloss

Taylor sighs, unsure if she’s mentally ready to deal with this, but also finding herself desperate to open the message and see what’s to come.

Karlie
Hi, Tay. Day go okay?

Taylor can tell Karlie is treading lightly.

Taylor
Yeah, sorry I had to go earlier. Eventful day, but home now.

Karlie
No worries, I just didn’t know if you were mad at me… or Tree.

Taylor feels bad for making Karlie feel that way, so she tries to break the ice.

Taylor
Oh don’t you worry, nearly 4 years of anger have shifted to a redhead. She’s going to get ginger snapped, when I see to it.

Karlie
Noooo, not the redhead! They’re a minority species! Respect the Red!!

Taylor laughs. Karlie always knows how to play off her in moments like this.

Taylor
Okay, Karlie. What do you got for me today?

Karlie
Well… the first one’s not too bad, I don’t think?

Taylor
Sure… bring it on, Kar.

Karlie
Alright, LFG!

Taylor
LFG?

Karlie
Seriously? Aren’t you like, friends with Alex Morgan?? LFG! Let’s Fucking Goooo!

Taylor
Oh. I mean yeah, but you know I don’t really do sports.

Karlie
That’s not what I heard.

Taylor
Okay, moving on.

Karlie
8(/)9 is far superior to 87, btw. But alright, LFG!

Taylor laughs… so she doesn’t cry. But she won’t acknowledge it.

Note 108.

September 12, 2023 at 12:22 PM

I’ve been twirling the salad on my fork, taking the ten minutes I have for lunch to sit and think of… you. Today is supposed to be about ME, and of course, my mind is on you. My mind is on you, and imagining the alternate universe where this same achievement is announced, and I don’t wake up to a “Congrats” text from a husband who was in the office all night and didn’t bother to tell me he wasn’t coming home.

An alternate universe, where instead I wake up to you humming away in the kitchen this morning, the smell of coffee flowing through the air. I’d tumble down the stairs and there you’d be, spatula in hand, beaming smile on your face, flipping organic pancakes and doing a little giddy body shake before saying (in that stupid announcer voice you always do), “Well if it isn’t, Karlie Elizabeth Kloss, of The Vogue Business 100 Innovators: Class of 2023. To what do I owe the honor of your presence?”

And you’d slide me my coffee, make your way around the kitchen counter, wrap your arms around me and plant a soft kiss on my cheek. Whisper how proud you are, then proceed to serve me way too much food, mumble something about it being the “only suitable breakfast for MY champion” with a wink. And I’d blush. And let’s be honest, we’d end up half naked against the counter causing me to be late for my first meeting of the day.

That always pissed me off, by the way! That I’d be late to work events because of YOU, but you were always “so prompt.” If only people knew the bias you held for the value of my time in regard to your own pleasure.

I’d get to my first meeting of the day. Wouldn’t get through the second meeting before a knock on the door, a huge bouquet in hand. “Delivery for Ms. Kloss.” More words gushing about how proud you are of me, written this time. Signed as usual, “Only yours (forever), T.”

You would’ve told me you were too busy to call me during lunch. Because then you’d just show up. With food from one of my favorite places, and you’d remind me not to be late tonight because you’d be cooking me dinner.

God, knowing you, you’d probably even have a bubble bath and wine ready for me when I got home. The world really has no idea how fucking romantic Taylor Swift is. It’s almost annoying. And it would be so utterly cliché, if it wasn’t done with such honesty and adoration.

So, yeah. I’m stuck twirling my salad. Thinking of you today.

Is it possible you could be out there somewhere, proud of me? Or are you disgusted? Do you also think I’m undeserving? Did you scoff when you saw the announcement? Did you scroll past it without a second thought?

I’ve been doing my best to “stay ahead of the hustle” as you used to say. I’m doing things I never thought I’d do. I learned so much from you, about being brave and reaching for new dreams. You would’ve been so proud of me back then. I really hope you’re still proud.

Taylor
Alright, now I’m pissed off at you again. You seriously think I wouldn’t be proud of you? Karlie Fucking Kloss. Tell me you don’t actually believe that.

Karlie
Honestly? Sometimes, I’ve found myself worrying that you do hate me as much as your fans claim you do.

Taylor
That’s bullshit. And that’s so unlike you to let them get into your head like that.

Karlie
Well, I don’t know if you’re aware Taylor, but it’s gotten a lot worse.

And Taylor can read the tone of Karlie’s words, even through a text. She doesn’t know what to say to that. Because she does know. And she’s done nothing to make that whole part better. Because maybe she is a little petty at times. And maybe she likes holding the power. But, it never felt good letting Karlie get the brunt of it. It only ever made her feel worse. She just never wanted to admit that.

Taylor puts her wine glass down on the coffee table in front of her as she gets up from the couch. She wanders down the hall into her office. She grabs her key from the key holder hanging near the door and walks over to her desk. She unlocks the bottom drawer of the desk, takes out the folder on top and sighs.

‘Should I?’ she ponders.

She opens the folder. She’s not sure when her hands started shaking. There on top, lies a printed screenshot from the Vogue Business Instagram post. “Karlie Kloss… leading the charge to merge the worlds of fashion and tech” highlighted, with a small, marked heart next to it in pen.

She holds the folder open with her left hand while taking a picture with her phone.

Fuck it.

She presses send.

Taylor
>View Photo

Karlie
Tay… are all those related to me?

Taylor
Doesn’t matter. What matters is I will always be proud of you.

Karlie
But it does matter. What else is in there? How long have you been keeping this? Did you have that when we were together?

Taylor
Karlie.

Karlie
I mean, you even highlighted it, you little cutie! What else is in there?? SHOW ME!

Taylor
Not today. I did send you flowers, by the way.

Karlie
What? No, no you didn’t. I would’ve remembered that. Because you know me, I wrote down the names of everyone who sent me something and sent them a hand-written thank you note.

Taylor
You really think Cara is aware enough to remember to send you flowers?

Karlie
You… you sent them “from Cara”? Why would you even do that?

Taylor
It’s not the first time.

Karlie
WHAT!? Cara has only sent me flowers once… well zero times, apparently??

Taylor
I’m not dumb enough to send them under the same name twice.

Karlie
Oh my god… how many times have you done this?

Taylor
It’s been a long couple of years. Hmm.

Karlie
Jesus, Taylor. You could have just sent them from yourself. I had no idea. That’s… thoughtful, but now I’m kind of annoyed. Why do you have to be so damn sneaky all the time?

Taylor
I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian…

Karlie
‘Cause you care… yeah, yeah, yeah. But did you ever think I may have wanted to know that you were thinking of me?

Taylor
I didn’t want you to know.

Karlie
God, you are one frustrating human being.

Taylor
So they tell me. Next note?

Note 107.

August 20, 2023 at 11:32 PM

Jack got married. That’s amazing. He seems really happy.

You… wow. You look amazing. I’ve seen a few pictures leaking online. What is that body chain?? I’d tell you what I thought of it, but I shouldn’t. Not that you’ll be reading this, anyway. But still, I shouldn’t. God, I really shouldn’t.

Blue is such a good color on you. It makes your eyes pop. And not in an “eyes so blue they’re scary” kind of way, but in an “eyes so full of wonder, they get bluer than the sky” type of way. And there’s my shitty attempt at poetry or something.

I saw that all those people showed up last night, though. It’s… kind of insane that you’ve managed to blow up even more after all these years. People are obsessed with you. I mean, I can’t blame them. I’ve been there. I’m still there. Fuck. But yeah, that was a lot.

Are you okay? I saw the look on your face when you left the restaurant after the rehearsal dinner. You’re so good at keeping your composure, but I could tell you were a little overwhelmed. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that.

I couldn’t help but wish I could’ve been there, been the one comforting you in the car after, reminding you that you are human, reminding you of how much I love the human that you are.

I should’ve been your date. We were supposed to be forever wedding dates.

Taylor reads the last line again, unable to stop the memory from resurfacing.

“Tayyyy wake up! We need to start getting ready!!”

“Five more minutes.”

“We don’t have five more minutes! It’s a long drive to the wedding venue and we need to account for traffic, babe.”

Karlie jumps on top of Taylor and gently places kisses all over her face, forcing the other woman to flutter her eyes open.

“I can’t wait to get ready together!” Karlie says excitedly, with a giant smile on her face.

Taylor laughs, groggily.

“We’ll always be getting ready together, Kar. We’re forever wedding dates.”

Karlie’s eyes brighten.

“Foreva eva??”

“Foreva evaaaa,” Taylor says before grabbing Karlie and flipping them so she’s now on top, “I love you foreva eva, Karlie Kloss. Let’s go watch two idiots who think they’re as in love as us get married.”

Karlie giggles as Taylor places a kiss on her lips.

“Okay… maybe we have just a few minutes to spare,” she says mischievously, as she pulls the older blonde down to meet her in another, more passionate kiss.

“Karlie Kloss! Sex before coffee?? Who do you think I am?”

“My forever wedding date! The love of my life! The giver of grand orgasms before weddings??”

“Fine, I won’t argue with that,” she says before pulling Karlie up to slip off her t-shirt and then having her way with the tall model below her.

Thankfully, the ceremony started 15 minutes late. Because they were definitely late to the wedding.

Taylor smiles fondly at the memory. But it’s followed by a deep ache and a sudden feeling of nausea.

Taylor
I wish you had been there, too. It was a lot. It was stressful. I could’ve used a reminder from you that I am indeed a person.

Karlie
You are. You are a beautiful person. They don’t even know the half of it. You’re amazing, Tay.

Taylor
I’m sorry we weren’t wedding dates this time.

Karlie
Foreva eva, not so much?

Taylor
Ugh, don’t say that.

Karlie
Sorry, I was just thinking about that one morning we had to leave the city for that upstate wedding and we were soooo late.

Taylor
I know, so was I. That memory is… a real fuckin’ legacy.

Karlie
Fuck, Taylor. Don’t quote ‘Maroon’ at me.

Taylor
But we were definitely dancing in the kitchen that night, no shoes.

Karlie
Until you drunkenly tripped over your own feet and fell to the floor, nearly killing Meredith!

Taylor
Honestly, she was never the same after that.

Karlie
Her villain origin story.

Taylor
God, I’ve missed you. Am I allowed to say that?

Karlie
We said we’d be honest, right? I’ve missed you, too. So fucking much.

Taylor
We were supposed to be foreva eva. We swore it.

Karlie
I know, babe. I’m so sorry.

Taylor can’t go down this road. She’s not ready. Back on her couch, she grabs her wine glass and chugs the rest of it.

Taylor
Next note.

Karlie
Okay.

Note 106.

August 10, 2023 at 12:51 AM

I showed up at your party. Or… your concert. I think you knew. But I also think I’ve lost my mind lately, so maybe I’m crazy?

But I swear you were looking at me. I just couldn’t tell if you were being genuine… or you were mocking me. I wouldn’t blame you for the latter… but not saying it wouldn’t hurt either.

But “New Year’s Day”, Tay? Come on. Everyone knows that’s our song. And, it’s tearing my heart apart thinking about it. Because we haven’t been together on New Year’s Day in so long. We haven’t thrown a party together. We haven’t been cleaning up bottles together, with intermittent pauses of you running to the bathroom (you could never handle the hangovers…).

Not to mention, all the songs leading up to tonight. Jeez, Taylor. I thought my birthday would be it, but the whole week? Following “Maroon” with “You are in Love” was torture. Then, “Death By A Thousand Cuts?” Each word of that song thrusted a thousand little knives into my stomach, I felt so sick.

And then “Dress” always makes me feel some type of way. I never told you this, but it kind of always pisses me off when people associate that song with other people. That is our song, and it’s intimate, and it's sexy, and it was for me. And I remember the dress. I remember you writing that song after we were intimate all night long. After the dress and all other pieces of clothing were shed. After me tasting every bit of you. After me being inside of you. After you cried my name out… what was it, 7 times?

So yeah. Fuck your fans for that one. That is my song. I’ll gloat to myself about it if I must… and the 7 orgasms… just saying.

But if that wasn’t enough, you had to pierce me through the heart last night with “King of my Heart.” I always loved that song. I loved being your King. I don’t know if I deserved such a title, but you were always my Queen… the most powerful piece in the game. But it seems we got too caught up, and we lost this game of chess. I got knocked off the board and I wasn’t sure if my Queen would ever want me back.

But after everything, I had to show up. So I showed up.

I had to leave early, because Jesus, Mary, & Joseph that concert is over 3 hours; which is insane, Tay. Like, you’re so insanely talented and your stamina is unmatched.

But I wanted you to know, I didn’t mean to miss part of it. I would’ve stayed for all of it, but… this is probably TMI, but I actually had to change my shirt. I was trying to make it through the concert… and I was a little overdue for pumping.

I tried, Tay. I’m sorry for the situation. I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish I could stay for all your finales.

You put on the best show. But the rest of them don’t know that you’re even better behind the curtain.

I saw your team decided to tell the press we’re friends again. I have a missed voicemail from my team. I’m sure that means they confirmed. I wish it were true.

Taylor
I knew. Tree told me right before the concert started.

Karlie
Well, you didn’t seem thrown off at all so that’s good.

Taylor
Oh, I was. I am just a professional. Also, you’re a giraffe, so I could clearly see you. I had to keep telling myself to stop looking that way. But… I couldn’t believe you were really there. I had to keep checking to make sure it wasn’t in my head.

Karlie
I couldn’t believe it, myself! I was so nervous. No one threw any tomatoes at me or anything though, thankfully.

Taylor
I would’ve had to make a really weird, non-specific speech if they had!

Karlie
Can’t have mother mothering too hard, now.

Taylor
Speaking of, I was pretty blown away you came so soon after Elijah. I hope you weren’t too uncomfortable.

Karlie
It wasn’t the easiest, but I wasn’t going to miss it. That show was unlike anything I’ve ever seen, Tay. I’m so proud of you.

Taylor
Thank you. And thank you for showing up. It meant the world to me, I just didn’t know what to do with it at the time.

Karlie
Yeah, I know. But Tree was all over that. I thought maybe we’d have a lunch date planned in the media somewhere that I didn’t know about!

Taylor
I wish.

Karlie
Oh?

Taylor
Maybe one day.

Karlie
I like one day.

Taylor
Okay, Kloss. What’s next?

Karlie
*Mario voice* Here we go!

Taylor
Nerd.

Note 105.

August 3, 2023 at 11:50 PM.

It’s my birthday. Another year older. Another year without you. What the hell were we thinking, Taylor? How did we let all this time pass? I thought we’d wake up sooner. Didn’t you?

“Maroon.” Really? Really, Taylor? This song makes me physically ill every time I hear it. We had chosen each other. When did we stop choosing each other?

I can’t watch it. I can’t do it. The fans are saying you seem angry in it. Are you still angry? I’m so sorry, Taylor. I’ve made so many mistakes. We weren’t supposed to lose each other.

Taylor
I was angry. Because no, we weren’t supposed to lose each other. And also, that song is hard to perform without getting emotional. It’s easier to get through it as frustrated than as heartbroken.

Karlie
It’s a beautiful song, but I can’t listen to it without breaking down. I don’t know how you do it.

Taylor
Years of practice. Tree was such a dick that night. As I got up from the piano, she said “Well, shit. Happy Birthday, Karlie” in my in-ears. I started laughing but I was so annoyed with her.

Karlie
Tree, forever my undercover agent of chaos.

Taylor
I wonder sometimes… you haven’t been sneaking her info all these years, have you?

Karlie
No, Taylor. We didn’t talk after she gave me your number. I promise.

Taylor
Promises, promises.

Karlie
I swear on Carly Simon and James Taylor’s divorce papers.

Taylor
KARLIE NOOOOOOOOO!

Karlie
I’m that serious. But hey, there is still time for them to get back together. My shipper heart will die on that hill.

Taylor
They were born to be national treasures.

Karlie
When I told you, they’d get back together…

Taylor smiles. She wasn’t sure Karlie would get the reference so soon after the vault tracks being dropped. But, of course she does. Because she’s Karlie.

Taylor
So…  you’ve discovered Suburban Legends?

Karlie
I am one half of said legends, aren’t I?

Taylor
Maybe.

Karlie
Slippery plastic summer sounds kind of dirty, btw.

Taylor cackles.

Taylor
You’re right, should’ve gone with slippery latex summer.

Karlie
I mean… you could’ve. We did use some when we were trying out that new toy in Rhode Island.

Taylor can feel herself burning up, a familiar feeling growing deep in the pit of her abdomen. She shakes her head and reminds herself to NOT go there.

Taylor
Alright enough of that, Kloss.

Karlie
But… I’m a King. I’m a Legend. I’m leaving legacies. :)

Taylor
And you’re going to be left on read if you don’t move on.

Karlie
FINE. You ready for one more?

Taylor
I think so? Let me get another glass of wine, lol.

Karlie
Fair. Alright, last one for today. This one... might be tough.

Taylor
Oh, NOW you tell me!

Note 104:

July 11, 2023 at 10:13 PM

Elijiah is here. He’s so beautiful, Tay. He should be ours. They were supposed to be ours.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Levi. I remember the immediate gut punch I felt when I realized I had to tell you. And that you wouldn’t be happy. I had always imagined I’d get to share that news with you one day and you’d be so happy.

Except I couldn’t tell you. We weren’t talking. We were broken up. You had said you needed space. And I had decided that I didn’t like that. And so I called it a breakup. Even though you fought me on that, I called it off and I walked out that night. And both of us, being so fucking stubborn, neither folded. And a night turned into a week, turned into two weeks, turned into two months, until it had been nearly half a year and I hadn’t heard from you.

And then one night I was particularly angry with you. Because there you were, all over my Instagram feed, with Joe. And after a night of heavy-handed cocktails and dancing with Josh at some event I didn’t even want to be at, I did the one thing you asked me to promise you I’d never do. I crossed the line with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I will never ever regret Levi. He is my world.

But Elijah, coming to be under more planned circumstances, I look at him and I somehow see you. I don’t know how it is, but I see you in him. I don’t know if it’s because my heart still aches for you, and the love I feel is wrapped up in him, while still hanging onto you, but there’s something about him. He’s special, Tay.

And Levi… you’d really love Levi, I swear. He’s so inquisitive. Sometimes, I wish you were here to answer his questions. I feel like you might be the only person patient enough to try and decipher what he’s saying.

I don’t know, Tay. I just wish you could meet them. I know that’s wishful thinking. I know that would be hard for you. I know we aren’t even talking. I just… I feel this need to introduce you to them. They’re a part of me, and I always planned on sharing every part of me with you. It’s so confusing, being so utterly in love with these two boys and so utterly heartbroken that you’re not here to feel it with me.

Taylor feels sick. Her head is buzzing. Her heart is aching.

She attempts to swallow the words that she’s just read but it’s as if they sit in her throat, stabbing at her windpipe, making it difficult to breathe.

She has no response for Karlie. All she feels is sadness and longing and confusion. Her brain feels like a compass going haywire just as she thought it was pointing her north again.

Taylor
I can’t right now. It’s too hard. I need to sleep on this.

Karlie
I understand. Text me tomorrow. Whenever you’re ready.

Taylor makes her way to the kitchen. She chugs straight from the opened bottle of wine. She slams it down, wipes her face with her sleeve, and let’s out a heavy breath.

“FUCK,” she screams out.

When did everything become so utterly complicated?

Chapter Text

October 29, 2023

“Hello?” Karlie’s raspy voice comes through on the other end of the line.

“You can’t do that to me. It’s not fair.”

“Taylor?”

“I am so fucking mad at you. You come barging back into my life and you send me that shit?? Seriously? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

“Taylor, calm down.”

Taylor can hear shuffling on the other end of the phone.

“My god, it’s after 3 in the morning, Tay.”

“What? No— oh fuck, I’m so sorry. I’ll let you go.”

“Taylor, wai—“

With that, Taylor hangs up the phone. She’s been pacing her studio all night.

She continues pacing back and forth. She grabs the whisky on ice she has on the piano. She chugs it. Slams it back down. Pours more from the decanter.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

Incoming Call
Karlie Fucking Kloss

She picks up her iPhone. No. No. I shouldn’t have called her. She clicks the ignore button, places the phone back down, and continues pacing.

She hums to herself while whispering seemingly nonsensical words.

“Mine, they never were, never will be. I can’t keep this up, like a dead-end dream… I… ache to sleep, you here with me but it’s… it’s not the fantasy we once believed it could be? No…”

Taylor groans, shakes her head, grabs her pen and journal and scribbles down her swirling thoughts.

“NO THAT’S NOT RIGHT. Dammit!” She crosses out her latest words and tries again.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

She clicks ignore once more.

“Dead-end dreams of you and me… No, Taylor. Ugh, this is more like a nightmare,” she mumbles to herself.

She grabs another sip of her newly filled glass. She runs a hand through her hair, or more like, erratically shakes it through her hair.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

In her chaotic state of pouring her feelings into a creative outlet she forgets why she ignored the buzzing the first two times and grabs the phone.

“What!?” she snaps.

“Taylor. What’s going on?” The voice is calm on the other end, seemingly ignoring the sharp tone that was used to welcome it.

Taylor freezes. Shit.

“Karlie?”

“Yeah, Tay. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Really. I’m good. You can go to sleep. You should totally be asleep. You shouldn’t have called and—“

“Babe. I need you to take a breath.”

“What? Why? I’m fine.”

“Taylor, put the pen down.”

“Wha— how do you know I—“

“That you’re manic-panic writing? Because it’s after 3 AM and you didn’t realize it. And you didn’t even realize it was me calling you back, did you?”

Taylor sighs.

“No, no. I have to. I have to put it down. I have to get it out. Karlie, I can’t—”

“Babe, put the pen down. Step one.”

“I— okay,” she puts the pen down on top of the piano, “but, Karlie—“

“Close the notebook.”

Taylor groans but does as directed.

“Okay.”

“Now walk out of the studio.”

“Karlie, I—“

“Walk out, Taylor. Whatever is in there can be dealt with when you wake up. You need to get some sleep.”

“I— I can’t.”

“Walk out and close the door, Tay. Can you do that for me?”

Taylor stares at the mess she’s left on her piano. She notes the coaster under her whisky glass, and accepts that nothing will be destroyed if she walks out right now.

“Okay,” she huffs.

She walks out of the studio and closes the door behind her. She closes her eyes, leans back against the door and sighs, phone still up to her ear.

“Breathe. 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, babe.”

“Kar—“ she chokes out in a whisper.

“I know. Just breathe for me, okay?”

She follows the other woman’s instructions. After a few moments pass, she feels her racing heart begin to even out.

“Better?” Karlie asks, so gently Taylor swears she’s right next to her, whispering in her ear.

“I’m so overwhelmed, Kar.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Let’s focus on getting some rest for now, okay?”

Taylor hums.

“Go ahead to your bedroom, I’ll stay with you.”

Taylor doesn’t respond but begins making her way to her room. Taylor isn’t sure how Karlie knows to speak the exact moment she enters the bedroom, but it’s like clockwork.

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yeah. But then I drank a lot of whisky,” Taylor responds, a bit of shame in her tone.

Karlie laughs.

“Okay, let’s make our way to the bathroom then.”

She stumbles over to her connected bathroom. She grabs her toothbrush and manages to put toothpaste on it without ever dropping her phone.

“I’m gonna put you down for a sec,” Taylor says, realizing Karlie doesn’t need to hear the scratching of bristles against her teeth.

“Go ahead.”

After brushing her teeth, and washing her face, she dabs herself with a towel. She grabs her phone, turns out the light, and brings the phone back up to her ear.

“Kar?”

“I’m here. You all cleaned up?”

“Yeah.”

“Need to change?”

“No, I changed before the spiral.”

“Hmm. Okay. Get into bed, babe.”

“I don’t wanna,” Taylor whines like a little kid.

Karlie giggles, “What!? Why not? You have like THE most expensive bedset in the world. It’s gonna be soooo comfy. You just gotta get in there.”

“But then you’re gonna leave me.”

Taylor hears an intake of breath from the other end of the phone.

“I shouldn’t have said that. Blame the whisky. And that wine from earlier.”

“Damn, I forgot about the wine,” Karlie jokes, then pauses a second before saying, “I’ll stay on the line with you. Just get under the covers.”

“Promise?” Taylor says, staring down her bed like it’s her worst enemy.

“I promise. Get into bed, Tay.”

Taylor walks over to the bed, pulls the covers down, and crawls in. She places the phone between her cheek and the pillow and pulls the covers over herself.

“Karlie, I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I’m just glad you remembered you called me first.”

Taylor laughs. A moment of silence.

“I tried sleeping earlier. I couldn’t.”

“I figured. It’s okay. Let’s focus on something else? Like, hmmm, daisies? You love daisies. We can pretend we’re in a field of daisies.”

“Karlie…

“Oh, okay orrr you’re in a field of daisies with some other really hot model.”

Taylor giggles, “Don’t be silly. Daisies are only for you.”

“Yeah… I know. Let’s see. Halloween is coming up. What are you going to dress as?”

“Mmm I’m not doing it this year,” Taylor says sleepily.

“What?? Why not? You love Halloween.”

“Not feeling it this year. What about you?”

“Haven’t decided yet. So, no party?”

“No, I gotta get myself ready for the South American leg.”

“Oh, that’s right! Argentina next, yeah? That’ll be so fun.”

“Yeah.”

Taylor feels her eyelids getting heavy. She closes her eyes and continues, “I wish you were coming.”

“Me too.”

“That’d be so cool, Kar,” Taylor yawns, “just like old times.”

“Just like old times,” Karlie repeats.

They don’t say anything else. Silently together. But apart. Taylor feels her drowsiness take over. As she enters dreamland, she swears some dream version of Karlie says, “Sleep well, beautiful. I love you.”

When Taylor wakes the next day, her phone is dead.

“Fuck,” she says to herself, thirsty as hell and head pounding, “I’m such an idiot.”

She plugs her phone into the charger on her nightstand and makes her way to the kitchen, filling a glass of water from the fridge’s filter and chugging. Then repeating. Then repeating again. And one more time, bringing the last glass with her as she makes her way around the kitchen.

She feeds the cats and walks back to her bedroom. She places her water glass on her bedside table and enters into her bathroom. She brushes her teeth, showers, and gets herself ready for the day.

Once she feels more like a human and less like a sack of moldy potatoes, she makes her way back to her bed. She crawls in again, head still giving her a run for her money.

When she checks her phone again, it’s fully charged, a long list of message notifications on screen now.

She swallows anxiously, unlocking her phone to begin weeding through the messages. One from her mom about the next Chiefs game. Two from Tree about… oh shocker, the next Chiefs game. Seven from Selena (six about the guy she likes and one claiming she’s taking another break from social media… Sure, Sel).

And finally, one from Karlie Fucking Kloss.

“I so don’t want to open this,” she says to no one. “Godspeed, Swift.”

Karlie
Remember you always keep travel Tylenol in the back of your bedside table’s drawer.

This bitch. Of course she remembered that. Of course Taylor forgot.

Taylor opens the drawer and sticks her hand as far back as she can reach, feeling around until she grasps onto a small cylinder bottle.

“Aha! The Holy Grail!” she says as she pulls it out, unscrewing the lid to the meds, swallowing two tablets and washing them down with her water.

She re-screws the bottle cap, puts the meds back, “You stay in there for next time, my friend. God knows, there’s always a next time.”

She grabs her phone and begins typing a message back to Karlie.

Taylor
Really unfair for you to save me twice within 24 hours.

It’s barely a moment before her phone buzzes and lights up with a response.

Karlie
Well, only one of us can be the anti-hero, right? How are you feeling?

Taylor
Like I did shrooms and got eaten by a bear.

Karlie
Do you think Gen Z-ers know Buffy quotes?

Taylor
The gay ones do.

Karlie
“Facts.” – Ice Spice

Taylor
I hate you.

Karlie
I thought I was your hero?

Taylor
Yeah, that too. Thank you.

Karlie
When in doubt, drug it out.

Taylor
For last night, too. Or… this morning. And thanks for not making me feel hella embarrassed about it right now.

Karlie
Nothing to be embarrassed about, Taylor. It’s okay. I get it. I have feelings about it all. You have feelings about it all. I do hope one day we can… talk about them.

Taylor
I know. We will. We… need to. I just really need time to process them. I think diving headfirst into them last night… after a few drinks… wasn’t my best bet.

Karlie
Whenever you’re ready, Tay. But please don’t get yourself all worked up. It’s okay to table some of those feelings for now. The last thing I want is for you to get lost in them and end up pushing me away.

Taylor
Yeah, you’re right. And I’m sorry… for calling you and then like yelling at you at first last night.

Karlie
Well, you can always call me. So, don’t apologize for that. And it’s okay, I picked up on what was going on pretty quickly.

Taylor
Yeah. I think before I did, ha.

Karlie
What can I say? I know my girl.

Taylor
Easy Tiger. I’m too hungover to ward off ownership comments.

Karlie
Hopefully the meds kick in soon. What are your plans for today?

Taylor
Honestly, it’s my last day to do nothing before prepping for Argentina so I think I’m going to bed rot with a few movies.

Karlie
The envy I feel right now. So… you’re not going to the game?

Taylor
Not unless the fans want an Exorcist sequel where I projectile vomit all over Brittany Mahomes.

Karlie
I’m sure… some people would pay to see that.

Taylor
Karlie! You’re supposed to be the nice one.

Karlie
I AM the nice one. The same people would probably want a prequel where it happens to me.

Taylor
I think there’s a video of that from like 2015 somewhere.

Karlie
Okay, I am nice but I’d kill you if you ever released that. So, what movies are on the agenda?

Taylor
I’m thinking… Twilight.

Karlie
Oh dear god, no, Taylor. Have some respect for yourself.

Taylor
That went out the window around 3 AM this morning.

Karlie
You coooould watch Pitch Perfect. You always giggled through the Bologna Barb scene.

Taylor
Oh, yeah! Poor Bologna Barb, though. Let her titties be tittiful in peace.

Karlie
Justice for Bologna Barb! Well, before you start… I’ve got a crammed schedule starting in about an hour. Feelin’ some notes?

Taylor
Fuck, I thought I was getting out of this today. Have you no empathy??

Karlie
I have sooo much empathy. I just… want to share it all with you. :) I don’t really think anything will make you projectile vomit, at least?

Taylor
FINE. Do it. Before I change my mind.

Karlie
You got it.

Note 103

July 8, 2023 at 8:48 AM

“I Can See You” is such a good song. What the hell, Taylor? Why didn’t you release it back then? And the video was so good. I love that you brought Taylor back for it. He’s such a sweetheart. Even if… a small part of me has been a little jealous of him. Since, you know, he got to go out on your good list.

That’s my favorite song from the vault. I think I know who it’s about. That makes me like it a little bit less. But then I remember all the years I got to have you up against a wall with me. And that makes me feel a little bit better.

Until I remember that I no longer do. Then everything hurts again.

The other one I really like is “Castles Crumbling,” but it breaks my heart. I remember the anxiety you used to have about not being enough for your fans or the world. But you were always enough for me. And I DO want to know you now. Just like I wanted to know you then.

I wish I could relearn the new you. I think I could only love her more.

Taylor
Taylor only got to go out on my good list because I was 100% responsible for the heartbreaking that time. He’s so sweet, though. It was cool to reconnect with him. That time in my life feels like a million years ago.

Karlie
Today was a Fairytaleeee. You wore a dress. I wore a dark gray T-shirt.

Taylor
You know it’s the other way around.

Karlie
Not for us, it wasn’t.

Taylor
Thank you for liking my songs.

Karlie
IGNORE ME WHY DON’T YOU

Taylor
Listen, my head is still foggy and you know what those fucking gray t-shirts did to me. Don’t start.

Karlie
Fiiine. But here’s the question… Which is the better Lautner film: Valentine’s Day or Twilight?

Taylor
That’s not fair!

Karlie
Why not?

Taylor
Because I love Twilight, but I was IN Valentine’s Day.

Karlie
So?

Taylor
You know I’m obsessed with myself.

Karlie
Oh, silly me. That dance scene, though. A++

Taylor
I know, right?? Totally underrated by the general public.

Karlie
Puts Vigilante Shit to shame.

Taylor
Imagine that version of myself doing Vigilante Shit.

Karlie
I… I don’t know if I ever would’ve dated you if I had witnessed that.

Taylor
Hey! That’s so mean. I had moves. I was just scrawny.

Karlie
Sure, babe.

Taylor
I’m gonna stay mad at you for that. You know how good I am at holding a grudge. This next note better make me happy.

Karlie
Hmmm… well, this could go one way or another.

Taylor
I hate the sound of that. What am I looking at, here? If Speak Now TV just released and we’re going backwards then… oh no.

Karlie
I mean, it’s really not that bad.

Taylor
Will it make me want a hot dog real bad?

Karlie
Legally Blonde 2! Add it to your agenda today.

Taylor
So, the fourth.

Karlie
Something like that.

Taylor
Send it.

Note 102

July 7, 2023 at 9:32 PM

Polaroids, Taylor? Really.

It’s so weird not spending Independence Day with you.

Do you remember that one year everyone was around the firepit at the end of the night (after a long day of sun and drinking)? You started some conversation about alien theories to get people going crazy, which worked because no one noticed when you slipped your hand into mine, whisking me off without any warning.

You thought I never noticed it, but I did. How you’d purposely set up a situation to get alone time with me. I never minded, of course. Quite the opposite. But you know I figured you out a long time ago.

So, you think I didn’t see the daisy Selena posted? The placement? The rocket pop you’re sharing in a polaroid? The part of me that knows you’re a mastermind, hopes you’re signaling to me; hopes you’re sending me a secret message; hopes you’re telling me you miss me. But the part of me that knows you’re also petty as hell, makes it feel like a giant middle finger pointed right at me for the entire world to take in.

Fuck, Tay. I don’t even know what to think. I spend each 4^th of July dreaming of water slides and firepits and ridiculous starred and striped one-piece zip ups. I think of you going all out, putting in all your effort, to give anyone who shows up the weekend of their lives. I think of the long list of baked goods you always put me in charge of, so you could handle all the cooking. I think of how you’d spend weeks leading up to it getting decorations together and special goody bags for everyone with way too much shit in them. And I think of you sunbathing, minimally covered, glistening in the light, fully embracing your role as Miss Americana. And how many times I had to jump in the pool to cool off because of it.

I haven’t been able to enjoy this holiday since we parted. Part of me was hoping you’d just never throw another gathering. I thought maybe you couldn’t enjoy the holiday either, that it brought up too many memories for you, as well.

Taylor’s breath hitches. Memories? Of course it brings up memories. It’s why she hadn’t hosted a party in years.

The moment Taylor closes the door to inside, her lips are on Karlie’s. Her hands on her lower waist pulling her in closer.

Karlie giggles into the kiss, “And what exactly are you doing, Ms. Swift?”

“Getting some time with my girl,” Taylor wiggles her eyebrows and goes back in for a kiss.

“Taylor, we’re literally still in the window.”

Taylor pulls back and looks through the clear glass door to her right. No one seems to be paying attention, luckily. Not that they care, they just enjoy keeping private moments private. Savoring them for just each other, like the treasures they are.

“Come with me,” Taylor says lowly, grabbing Karlie’s hand again and dragging her upstairs.

As she approaches her room she stops in her tracks.

“Fuck!” she says, “I forgot I gave Blake and Ryan my bed so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable with the pregnancy. Guest room, go.”

Taylor pivots and opens the first guest room to find Ed making out with his new girl.

“Jesus, Ed!” Taylor says, “Just give me a shiner if you’re going to put my eyes through this kind of torture.”

“Shut up and get out.”

“Noted,” she says shutting the door. “Moving on, Kar.”

They make their way to the next guest room only to find Brit and her husband passed out.

“Dammit,” Taylor whispers. She closes the door and pauses to look at Karlie whose hand is still in hers, “Hmm… we could—"

“Taylor! Your boyyyfriend is looking for you,” Ruby shouts from downstairs.

“Shit.”

There’s a heavy pause. The undiscussed burden of so-called illicit affairs.

“Do you need to go back to Tom? I know you wanted to get some pics.”

“He’s fine, he’s got his tank top.”

Karlie giggles.

“TAY TAYYYY. Where’d you run off to?” She recognizes the accent immediately and notices the footsteps of Cara beginning up the stairs.

Taylor makes a break for it, pulling Karlie down the hall, dragging her into the furthest guest bathroom, shutting the door, and locking it behind her.

She turns away from the locked door, grin on her face as she looks to Karlie, “Phew. Okay, looks like we’re having bathroom sex,” Taylor says.

“Taylor!” Karlie laughs, only mildly surprised by the singer’s bluntness.

“Whaaat? I need you, babe.” Taylor pouts at her in a way that only brings a bigger smile to Karlie’s face.

“You don’t feel weird that both our ‘boyfriends’ are downstairs?” the taller woman asks, with an eyebrow raised.

“If we leave them alone long enough, maybe they’ll fuck each other and start a real scandal.”

“Oh my god,” Karlie says through another laugh, “you’re insane.”

“I’ll write a song about it. Just get over here already,” Taylor says, pulling Karlie by her zip-up onesie.

“You look so cute in this.”

“You nearly killed me when you had yours down by your waist and that backward hat on.”

“Well, that was the goal. I needed you worked up enough to steal you away,” she whispers hotly against Karlie’s lips before closing the distance.

Within what feels like seconds, Taylor’s bottom-half is naked atop the counter that Karlie had easily hoisted her upon, legs wrapped around Karlie’s waist, Karlie’s fingers inside of her, breaths heaving as she pulls Karlie closer.

“Babe, you’re so good at that,” Taylor moans as Karlie kisses down her neck and increases the speed of her movements.

“KARLIE!?” The distant sound of someone calling for Karlie causes her to pause for a split second, her head turning toward the door.

“Oh no, don’t you dare fucking stop,” Taylor says between breaths, hips arching into Karlie, searching for release.

“Sorry, babe,” she says looking back at her, falling quickly back into the previous pace.

“Karlie??”

The voice is getting closer, definitely having made it to the stairs at least.

Karlie increases her movement just enough to get Taylor where she needs to be.

“Kar…?”

The voice is in the hallway now, but not the only thing getting closer.

“Fuck, Kar, I’m—” Karlie claps her other hand over Taylor’s mouth, picking up her pace until all that’s left to hear is the muffled moans as Taylor climaxes.

“Fuck,” Karlie whispers as Taylor bites down on the fingers covering her mouth, while riding out her orgasm on Karlie’s other hand.

Just as Taylor’s body relaxes, they hear a knock.

“Kar, are you in there?”

Both Karlie and Taylor’s eyes go wide. Karlie looks to Taylor, who just shakes her head, mouth still covered.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Karlie says, hoping she doesn’t sound too breathy.

“Oh okay, are you feeling alright?”

Karlie squeezes her eyes shut.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just needed a refresher. I’ll meet you downstairs, okay?”

“Oh okay. Well let me know if I can get you anything.”

“I’m good, Josh. Thanks.”

After a moment, Karlie removes her hand from Taylor’s mouth and sighs.

“That was awkward.”

“Yeah, especially since you’re uh… still inside of me, Kar.”

Karlie’s eyes widen as she looks down between them, “Oh! I’m gonna … um?”

“Yeah,” Taylor giggles as Karlie pulls out of her.

“I, uh…” Karlie looks around for something to clean her hand with, “should get down there. You know how shy he gets.”

“Not yet,” Taylor says, grabbing a hold of Karlie’s wrist. Karlie freezes, looking up into Taylor’s eyes.

Taylor brings the model’s hand up to her mouth before wrapping her lips around the two fingers that had just brought her to the summit.

“Fuck,” Karlie says, mesmerized by Taylor as she sucks her fingers clean. She releases them with a pop before hopping off the counter and pushing Karlie against the wall.

“Now I wanna taste you,” she says, unzipping Karlie’s one-piece hoodie, pushing it past her shoulders and dropping it to the floor as she drops to her knees.

She grips the sides of Karlie’s bathing suit bottoms and yanks them down before diving in.

“Oh. My. God.” Karlie breathes out, head tilted back against the wall, hand in Taylor’s hair.

And she let’s Taylor work her magic.

Taylor
Well now I thought of the firepit night and feel like we need to calm the fuck down here.

Karlie
But why? That night was soooo good. I wonder if the remnants of your assprint are still on that counter.

Taylor
Karlie.

Karlie
Fine, disregard that part. What about the rest?

Taylor
It was really hard to do it this year. I kept it smaller because it was my first time throwing a celebration since… well, you know.

Karlie
It was really hard to see it.

Taylor
I’m sorry. And Selena thought the daisy was funny. I didn’t really think you’d be paying attention.

Karlie
Yeah, well… the world was? Honestly, it made me feel really embarrassed.

Taylor
Shit, Kar. I’m so sorry. I swear, it wasn’t like that. She was egging me on because everyone was asking me why I wanted to do polaroids and I was giving half-assed answers…  but I had confided in her that it was to keep a piece of you with us for the celebration.

Karlie
Oh… well, that’s kinda sweet, Taylor.

Taylor
I didn’t cook a thing. I catered it. And we overloaded on rocket pops… because baked goods were off limits. I didn’t want anyone else’s.

Karlie
The way your brain works… I wouldn’t have been offended if you had someone else’s baked goods, Taylor.

Taylor
But I would’ve been.

Karlie
You… are quite the anomaly, babe.

Taylor
Okay, enough of that. Like Britney says, “Gimme gimme more.”

Karlie
Oh god, poor Brit. Okay, Cruel Summer 101 starting now.

Taylor
WHAT!?

Karlie
You’ll see.

Note 101

June 21, 2023 at 5:15 PM

I’m sitting on my rooftop, sipping some decaf green tea. It’s not the brand I like—not the one you always made sure to have available for me. But Josh has been trying to cater a bit more to me, since I’m about to pop, and he was so excited he found the brand I liked (he didn’t, but you know, he’s trying?).

It’s the first day of summer. It’s actually the perfect temperature today. Partly cloudy. Mid-60s. A slight breeze in the air.

I put on a Spotify summer mix and of course “Cruel Summer” came on. As I’m sitting here, I’m stuck in the memories. Remember when it was easier? When we were just two girls out and about shopping in the city, going to the gym, getting lunch, spending time at each other’s places? We really fucked that up, huh? All the lies and the hiding and the bearding. It ruined us.

And now “Cruel Summer” is haunting the shit out of me. God, we were such babies back then. Here I am about to have my second child, when I’m just stuck thinking about how it still feels like yesterday, we were just two young kids in our early 20s figuring out the world together. How we fell for each other so hard, and so very fast, and how we had no idea what was to come our way.

I remember Tree slamming me with NDAs right when you moved to New York. She was all protective mama bear over you and I was just spinning, thinking, “What the hell am I getting into?” But in the end, I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with you. I needed to be with you. We barely spent any time apart that summer. People loved it. People loved me. I didn’t know what to do with that. I was used to being liked, but it was like an explosion. If only we knew how they would turn on us. First you, then years later, me.

I know it was a rough road to reclaiming your reputation and I was so proud of you for flipping it on everyone through hard work, creativity, and your brilliant mind. I’m not sure how today you’re not just laughing in everyone’s face, knowing how many thousands in those stands at your tour were once part of the hashtag cancel party. I’d pop each one of them in the face if I could.

It seems my reputation may never recover. The Karlie hate train continues to be full steam ahead. I stopped reading comments a long time ago and I try and ignore it, but it does kind of suck that there’s this army of people that hate me when they don’t even know me. And they definitely don’t know the real story.

At least we know it. At least we’ll always have that “Cruel Summer.” Because as young and naïve as we were, as untouched by the pain we’d eventually cause one another, we were so ridiculously in love. Like that floaty kind of love that leaves your stomach all bubbly. And the only thing that puts it at ease is being near one another, touching one another, holding one another, loving one another.

And we definitely made those times together count. As much as we were out and about in the media, we sure spent a lot of time in the bedroom that summer. Whether it was yours or mine, it was always perfect. Tangled mess of limbs, and all.

Taylor sighs. The best summer of her life (and that’s counting The Eras Tour).

Tangled mess of limbs, indeed.

“Oh my god, Karlie! Why are your legs so long!? I’m tangled up like a fly in a spider web,” Taylor says as she dramatically flails herself about trying to detangle herself from Karlie and sheets to get out of bed.

Karlie tightens her grip on Taylor’s leg, trapping it between her knees.

“That’s the point. You’re stuck here. No leaving me,” the tall model says, hands reaching forward in a grabby motion to signal Taylor to come give her a hug.

Taylor groans and rolls her eyes playfully, “Baby I need water. You worked me out.”

Karlie drops her arms and pouts, “Promise you’ll come back quick?”

“Of course,” Taylor responds softly, “Heck, you can time me.”

A quirk of the eyebrow and a mischievous look in her eye, Karlie accepts.

“You have 15 seconds. Run fast!”

“What!?”

“15!”

Taylor scrambles to get out of bed. In her ungraceful haste, she tumbles over awkwardly and then hits the floor.

“14!” Karlie giggles as she leans over the bed to find a frustrated Taylor unwrapping her ankle from the sheet, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine! Stupid sheet!” She kicks it off, finally freeing herself.

“Good. 13!”

“Karlie!” Taylor whines, glaring at her. Karlie just smirks back at her and Taylor knows she’s gotta book it.

“12!” She hears as she bolts out of her room, stark naked.

Ever competitive with Karlie, she’s determined to beat the clock. She throws the fridge door open, grabs two water bottles, slams it shut, and slips and slides her way out of the kitchen, looking like some sort of cartoon character… albeit, an unclothed one.

“3!” she hears as she rounds the corner and bursts into the room.

“2!” She’s halfway through the room when she leaps through the air and lands next to Karlie with a soft thump.

“Made it!” She blurts out, breathing heavily, “I win.”

She throws a water bottle toward Karlie, who smiles and shakes her head as she opens it.

“You better drink up, babe, we’re just getting started,” Karlie says as she brings the bottle to her lips.

Taylor, having already chugged half her bottle, chokes slightly and removes the bottle from her lips as she coughs once more to fully clear her throat.

“Babe?? We’ve been having sex for like 3 hours!” she exclaims, wide-eyed.

Karlie swallows her mouthful of water and looks to Taylor, “Yeah, why do you think there are 24 in a day?”

“I swear you’re insatiable,” Taylor says with an eyeroll as she takes another sip before capping the bottle and placing it on her bedside table.

“Have you seen yourself??” Karlie says, “I can’t help that once I’ve had you… I just always want more of you,” she wiggles her eyebrows as she puts aside her own water bottle.

“I don’t know how you managed to make being a horn-dog sound romantic, but it’s working,” Taylor laughs.

“Oh, thank god!” Karlie says, dramatically. “Because I’m already withdrawing,” she finishes as she surges forward, placing hand on Taylor’s cheek and kissing her abruptly.

Taylor giggles into the kiss, hands wrapping around Karlie’s neck as she pulls her on top of her until they’re flush together, lips never detaching.

Karlie pulls back from the kiss and looks upon Taylor’s face, eyes scanning over every inch of it before stopping when they meet Taylor’s.

“I really do love you. And I want you all the time because I want to show you that.”

Taylor looks up in awe. She can feel herself getting a bit misty eyed.

“Okay, Romance Master Kloss,” she smiles, “will you stop being so gay and fuck me already?”

“Oh, I’m sorry did you want me to stop being gay or be more gay? Becau—“

Taylor cuts her off with a kiss.

“I love you too,” she whispers against Karlie’s lips.

They easily melt back into one another and Karlie’s hand makes its way between Taylor’s legs.

And once again, they’re back inside their own little oasis, happily locked away from the rest of the world.

Taylor
Your stupid husband needs to buy you the right fucking green tea.

Karlie
Anddd that’s all you got from that?

Taylor
We were so young, weren’t we?

Karlie
But we knew everything when we were young.

Taylor
Sometimes it feels like we knew more back then. Like we cracked life’s code.

Karlie
Maybe we just knew more about what was important.

Taylor
Yeah, we kind of lost sight of that, didn’t we?

Karlie
It got hard. It would’ve been nice to be in a summer haze forever. That’s just not life though, unfortunately.

Taylor
Maybe it could’ve been if I was someone else.

Karlie
I wouldn’t have fallen so hard for you if you were someone else.

Taylor
That summer was… something. Everything. If they ever invent a time machine… I’d have it permanently set to Summer 2014.

Karlie
I’d set it to March 2014 and let it run through…

Taylor
True. Fuck, Kar. Why can’t they invent a time machine already??

Karlie
You’ll probably figure out a solution for it before the scientists with your big brain.

Taylor
OMG KAR MAKE YOUR KODE FOR KLOSSY KIDS SOLVE IT

Karlie
Yes, Taylor. That would not be a conflict of interest at all. “For this next problem, please find a way for me to go back to March 2014 so I can get the love of my life back.”

Taylor
Kar… I can’t do anymore tears after last night.

Karlie
Moving on?

Taylor
Okay.

Karlie
I’m going to send you the last two at once because they’re linked to the same topic.

Taylor
Oh?

Karlie
Yeah… gross.

Taylor
Ugh. If my timeline calculations are correct, I’m afraid we have an incoming Matty bomb.

Karlie
Indeed we do, ma’am. Shall we call in the bomb squad to diffuse the situation?

Taylor
I’m afraid we already have. Not sure you’re a fan.

Karlie
Wait, so… does that mean the diffuser is also a fake?

Taylor
Just send me the notes, alright? I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

Karlie
Understood. Incoming GREASE BOMB in 5, 4, 3, 2…

Note 100

June 5, 2023

Saw you and Matty “broke up.” Still so shocked Tree thought this one was a good idea. But I will say, it brought me some relief. Now I won’t have to suffer through any photos of you kissing that mess of a man. Ugh, I know he’s not actually as bad as he portrays himself to be, but he really needs to get his shit together. That’s a whole new level of performance art.

You deserve better than that. Even if it is fake.

Note 99

May 20, 2023

How the fuck do you say you’re the “happiest you’ve ever been” when you know the fans will think you’re talking about Matty and then play “Question…?”??

I feel like I’m one of your delusional fans trying to solve the puzzle that is you… the puzzle that I used to know every piece of.

I’ve had my assumptions about that song, but I worry I don’t know you anymore. Except I so do. I so know that that song was about us at the 1975 concert. I so know that you’re linking it to Matty to remind the ones who are paying attention, who it was really for.

But I wonder why. I am always wondering “why” with you. Because it’s not like you’ll be coming home to me later. And that thought pisses me off once more.

Taylor
Karlie, you said none of these notes would make me projectile vomit.

Karlie
Oops.

Taylor
Of course it was for you.

Karlie
And you were the happiest you’d ever been?

Taylor
No, I was the happiest I’d ever been pretending there was no world outside of us at that concert that night.

Karlie
But the “why,” Taylor?

Taylor
You haven’t figured it out yet?

Karlie
??

Taylor
You’ve been writing me notes. I’ve been writing you speeches.

Karlie
Wait… what?

Taylor
I can write like nobody’s business and when I’m performing, it’s easy, but the in-betweens have always been hard for me. I trip over my words if I don’t focus. So, I just imagine I’m speaking to you.

Karlie
Fuck, Taylor.

Taylor
Language, Karlie.

Karlie
Shut up. God… I… I really have to go, but… that’s not what I was expecting.

Taylor
I hope you have the day you deserve.

Karlie
You know that’s not a nice thing to say to someone, right?

Taylor
Shit, I’m so out of the loop with the cool kids. Have a good day, Karlie.

Karlie
Enjoy your movies. Rest up. And… don’t add anything else onto your list of weird surprising quirks.

Taylor
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Karlie
I don’t know. Just stop making my heart race. I’ll text you tomorrow.

Taylor
Oh. Got it. Till then, Kar…

Chapter Text

October 30, 2023

Taylor wakes up with a jolt, face flushed, and out of sorts. She looks around frantically at her surroundings. It is still her, alone in her bed. The cats must’ve run off somewhere in the middle of the night.

She sighs, the dream she’s awoken from… not a nightmare, but something else entirely. She cannot… she will not entertain it.

She huffs as she pushes her comforter off and swings her now freed legs over the side of the bed. She yawns, stretches out her arms above her head and shakes off the lingering sleepiness… and whatever else it is she’s feeling.

Grabbing her phone from her nightstand, she notices she already has messages from Karlie.

Karlie Fucking Kloss
2 New Messages

It shouldn’t make her heart race to see this woman’s name on her phone screen. It shouldn’t, right? It does.

Taylor unlocks her phone and notices the last text from Karlie is long. She scrolls up to see the first message.

Karlie
Good morning, Taylor Alison Swift. I hope you slept well. I am off to a meeting that is likely going to chew away a lot of my morning. I figured I’d send you a gift in the form of a note to wake up to. Godspeed, my little morning gremlin. <3

Taylor laughs to herself, before looking over the attached text.

Note 98
May 18, 2023

Apparently, you don’t like a gold rush. I’d beg to differ. So, I decided to give you one for this year’s Cannes Film Festival, anyway. I wanted to see if you’d noticed. I doubt you’ll notice.

I’ve been feeling so out of it lately. Just been going through the motions of everything. But when I put that dress on today, for the first time in a while, I felt really good about myself.

It’s gold but it almost takes on a greenish hue in some lighting. When I saw it, I immediately knew that you’d like it. I imagined a scenario in which you were with me to gush over how good it looked. Or I’d FaceTime you and you’d pick up with that goofy grin of yours and say, “Karlie!!! Look at you!”

Cannes is beautiful. But it was more beautiful that one late spring, when we rented that getaway for a long weekend. And you booked that beautiful villa for us. And we drank cocktails on the balcony overlooking the sea.

Remember that one day you refused to let us leave the villa for anything?

You got out of bed, tiptoed over to the French doors, and swung them open. You stepped out onto that spacious balcony and said, “This view right here. You see that? What feeling do you get?” as you looked out to sea.

I made my way out of bed, sauntered over to you and wrapped my arms around you from behind (an instinctual morning routine).

“Peace? Tranquility? Warmth?” I offered as I snuggled my chin into your shoulder, as we took in the view.

“Do you get it yet? Why I booked this place?” you asked.

“Well, yeah, it’s… gorgeous,” I had responded. Because, duh?

But you turned around in my arms and looked up at me with those baby blues that shined so bright in the Mediterranean lighting.

“Yeah, because it’s you. All of this is so you. Those feelings. Being with you, it’s warm like home but with the stillness of a vacation.”

I didn’t quite get what you meant back then. I do now. Being in Cannes without you is like the stillness without the warmth of home. I just feel stuck. I’m missing my home.

While the ending makes her heart sink, Taylor can’t help but smile at the fond memory as she types out a response.

Taylor
1. That dress looked unbelievable on you, of course I noticed it. And you know I wouldn’t have shut up about how your eyes popped. It very much gave me a gold rush, but I would’ve liked to keep that to myself, thanks. 2. That was one of my favorite vacations we took… besides, you know…

Karlie
1. Thank you. That means more than you know. 2. You can say it… Big Sur won’t bite.

Taylor
It might a little bit.

Karlie
It was one of my favorites, too. It was like we had our own little world up on that balcony. And you made us lounge out there all morning, drinking champagne and talking about all the little things in life… that we somehow let slip between the cracks of our day-to-day conversations.

Taylor
Felt a bit more like we RULED the world up there. But, yeah… that was the first time I learned more about little Karlie! My favorite topic!

Karlie
Oh my god, remember when you snorted champagne out of your nose from laughing so hard when I told you about that kid Lainey from 4^th grade?

Taylor
Hahaha Lainey! I wonder what she’s up to. Do you think she still has grape jelly stains on her pants?

Karlie
No, you won’t believe this but she’s actually a CEO of some tech company out in Portland!

Taylor
NO WAY. Does that make you… “jelly,” Ms. Kloss?  

Karlie
So jelly. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.

Taylor
Karlie! The missing member of Destiny’s Child. I always knew you were suppressing your true vocal talent. You must sing it for me one day.  

Karlie
Aye. No one deserves that kind of torture.

Taylor
Are you saying I deserve another kind of torture??

Karlie
I think we’ve both been through enough torture, don’t you? :(

Taylor
Well, I totally meant like… a red room of pain scenario, but sure.

Karlie
Taylor! Jesus Christ. I am literally in a room of board members right now.

Taylor
Well, you could’ve told me that. But to think, I could be the acting chairman of another room…

Karlie
Someone is spicy this morning. I’m guessing you slept better last night. I’ll text you later, my meeting’s about to start!

Taylor
My bad. Blame my caffeine intake. Talk later.

Taylor smiles as she throws her phone down on the counter. She’s been enjoying the light banter with Karlie. She is doing her best not to get too caught up in it, but she’s definitely enjoying it. It might not help that she had a very… intense dream about the tall model last night. One that she will NOT be sharing with the other woman.

It concerns her a bit. She hasn’t even seen this woman in-person in years, and yet she’s having very vivid sex dreams about her?? Karlie would think she’s crazy. Maybe she is.

She sighs and makes her way to the fridge, taking out ingredients to make an omelet. As she waits for it to cook, she stands over the pan, spatula in one hand, coffee cup in the other. Her mind drifts away to those memories she shared with Karlie all those years ago.

“Taylor, I swear to Dolly, it was like clockwork. 12:30 we sit down for lunch. 12:33 she has that PB&J in hand. By 12:35 it was grape explosion all over the pants. And she still chose to wear khakis every single day! What a daredevil!”

Taylor is rolling over dying at this point, unable to control her laughter. Karlie watches her with squinted eyes behind large-framed sunglasses and a wide smirk, as she waits for the singer to regain control of herself.

“Well, I’m glad you were still friends with her,” Taylor says, when the giggles finally subside.

“Are you kidding me? She was the entertainment of 4th grade! And once I picked up on her grape flavor obsession, I made sure my mom got her the grape Kool-Aid anytime she came over to play. She loved that shit.”

Taylor pauses before taking another sip from her champagne flute.

“Ohhh no, not the grape Kool-Aid!”

Karlie makes a funny face and puffs out her chest, before animatedly saying, “Ohhh yeahhhh!” in the Kool-Aid man voice, just as Taylor is taking in her drink.

The older blonde completely loses it, bubbly spraying out of her nose as she chokes through another fit of giggles.

Karlie giggles in response to Taylor, loving to see the normally wound tight woman completely letting loose. She leans back in her chair and takes another sip from her glass, grin still plastered to her face. She crosses her legs, enjoying the softness of the cotton material against her skin, adorning the same matching robe as Taylor.

Once Taylor collects herself, she too leans back on her lounge chair, head still tilted Karlie’s direction.

“I bet you were the sweetest kid,” she says.

“Mmm, I think I just realized early on that the weirdos are way more fun,” she says, lowering her sunglasses to send a wink in Taylor’s direction, before putting them back in place and leaning her head back against her chair, to take in more of the sun.

“Well, we sure do make more money,” Taylor says as she raises her glass out towards the sea.

“Taylor!” Karlie laughs.

“I’m joking. Well, kind of. But I mean… at least little me will always have that,” Taylor says, a little more quietly, with a shrug of her shoulders.

Karlie reaches out her hand and intertwines her fingers with Taylor’s.

“She’ll always have me, too.”

They take in the morning sun and finish the bottle of champagne.

“I must order more!” Taylor says as she drains the end of the bottle into Karlie’s glass.

“Oh? You trying to get me drunk?”

“What!? Never! We are merely in France, my love. I must continue to cater you with the luxury of superior bubbly,” she says in a faux uppity voice.

“You know I don’t need fancy drinks. Just you, baby.”

“Awww, you’re cute. I really am just trying to get you drunk, though. Maybe that robe will slip off,” Taylor says as she ruffles Karlie’s hair and brushes past her to head inside toward the room phone.

“Hmm, of course,” Karlie mutters, but her smile couldn’t get any wider.

A few moments later and Taylor is back.

“Okay, more champagne and brunch is on the way! AND I booked us massages for 1 PM.”

“Oohh couples massage?”

“Well, yes but don’t call it that when they get here,” Taylor laughs.

“They may only speak French, but I think they understand the language of loooove,” Karlie says with a kissy face.

“You dork,” Taylor says as she leans down and captures Karlie’s pouted lips. She pulls back to take her seat next to the taller woman.

“Nooo, come back,” Karlie whines, earning a light shake of the head.

“Mm-mm we’ve got people coming up any minute, Miss Kloss. Control yourself.”

After champagne and French cuisine and massages and hours of back and forth between the bed and the balcony and the kitchen, night came and so did the elevated alcohol level that makes Taylor act like a total fool.

“Let’s skinny dip in the pool,” she says suddenly.

“What??” Karlie whips her head around, a hand holding up a small piece of chocolate to her mouth.

“Come on! It’s gated. And Security is on patrol. No one will see us.”

With the grab of Karlie’s hand (and the drop of her chocolate) and a rush downstairs, they find themselves in front of a moonlit swimming pool.

The lowlights of the villa’s entryway create additional backlighting, just muted enough to make the setting all the more intimate.

Taylor drops Karlie’s hand and looks over to her.

“Let’s do it?” She asks with a goofy grin, hesitantly playing with the bottom of her shirt, awaiting the approval of the taller woman next to her.

Karlie rolls her eyes with a smile.

“Well, we’re here, aren’t we?”

“Yesssss. Be brave! Be a daredevil! You wear those khaki pants, Lainey!” Taylor says, and quickly removes her clothes, dropping them to the side.

Karlie giggles as she watches Taylor run and jump into the pool with a big splash.

When she resurfaces, she throws her hair back out of her face, and gives a “whoop!” before rubbing the water from her eyes.

She sees the supermodel still standing there, staring down at her, no movements having been made yet.

“Come on, Karrrrr. Let me see that booty.”

“Shut up,” Karlie laughs, then shimmies out of her shorts and tank top.

Taylor wades in the water, watching on in awe as Karlie removes her final pieces of clothing.

Karlie walks to the edge of the pool and looks toward the water, hesitancy written across her face.

“You get your naked ass in here right now, Karlie Kloss!” Taylor shouts, slapping a hand against the surface of the pool.

With that, she dives in and swims over toward Taylor in the center of the pool. When she comes up out of the water, she finds Taylor shaking her head at her.

“What?”

“How did you do that?”

“Do what?” Karlie asks, confused.

“You didn’t even make a splash. How do you do everything so gracefully?”

“Ballet, baby.” Karlie shrugs.

“Yeah, yeah. Get over here,” Taylor says wrapping her arms around Karlie’s neck and pulling her in for a kiss.

It starts off gentle, but the slickness of their bodies against one another in the perfectly temperate water fuels their lips as they press closer together.

Karlie pulls back slightly and looks into Taylor’s eyes.

“I’m so in love with you.”

“Me too.”

They stare at each other silently, taking the moment in.

“Your eyes look so cool in this lighting,” Taylor whispers, breaking their silence, “They’re like… aquamarine,” she finishes with a tilt of her head.

“Yours are so blue. I don’t know how to describe them. They’re just… so damn blue.”

“Wow, so romantic,” Taylor giggles.

“It’s why you’re the wordsmith, not me.”

“I’m sure you could code a compliment into my computer somewhere.”

“I’d just leave dirty messages,” Karlie says with a wink.

“Oh, I bet you would,” Taylor replies as she uses her tippytoes to propel herself up, wrapping her legs around Karlie’s body and nuzzling her face into the crook of her neck.

“My koala,” Karlie says.

“Mmm, my giraffe.”

“What an odd match.”

“Hey!” Taylor says as she pulls her head up and grabs Karlie by the face with both hands, “We’re a PERFECT match. Don’t you forget it.”

“Never, baby,” Karlie says, meeting her lips with Taylor’s once again.

“Fuck!” Taylor mumbles, coming out of her daze to the smell of burning. She looks down at her omelet and quickly removes the pan, turns off the burner, turns on the fan, and investigates her breakfast. The whole underside is a crusty brownish black.

She sighs, walks toward the trashcan, and dumps the omelet.

“That’s what I get for getting distracted,” she mutters, putting the pan back on the stove to cool off under the vent.

She opens the fridge back up and grabs a yogurt, pulls a spoon out from the nearby drawer, and leans against the counter to eat her pathetic breakfast.

Once finished, she tosses the empty yogurt container into the trash, still feeling unsatisfied, but not sure if food would do anything to help her at the moment.

She decides against anything else to eat, thinking she’ll just have an early lunch a bit later, cleans up the kitchen, and heads back upstairs to her room.

As she brushes her teeth, Taylor’s mind wanders off once again, back to the moment her movie memory was so rudely interrupted.

The warmth of Karlie’s mouth against hers, and the slickness of the model’s abs against her core causes Taylor’s body to involuntarily quiver, as she undulates her hips against the taller woman. The crispness of the late-night air contrasts with the mildly warm water, increasing the sensitivity of her erect nipples each time they clash against Karlie’s skin, just above the water line.

“Kar…” is all she can get out when she pulls her mouth back from the woman who currently has complete and utter control of her own body’s sensations.

“I know, baby,” Karlie says, guiding Taylor over to the side of the pool. She lifts Taylor by her behind and sits her up on the pool’s edge.

“You’re so pretty in the moonlight, baby,” she says, and nips and kisses down Taylor’s dampened neck.

“Mmm,” is all the response Karlie receives as she makes her way to Taylor’s nipples, softly sucking and licking, and then blowing cool air against each wettened peak, driving Taylor crazy.

“Karlie, I need—” Taylor sighs out, opening her legs wider as she softly brushes her hand through Karlie’s hair while the model continues her assault on Taylor’s chest, “baby, please.”

Karlie kisses her way back up until she meets her lips with Taylor’s.

“Okay,” she whispers, right hand on Taylor’s cheek, planting another kiss on the singer’s lips. She trails her hand down to Taylor’s sternum and pushes against it softly, but firmly, “Lay back for me, babe.”

Taylor follows Karlie’s hand’s lead and lays back flat against the concrete. Not the most comfortable of surfaces, but she couldn’t care less as of right now.

“Scoot forward,” she hears Karlie say, when the model taps on Taylor’s thighs with her fingers to direct her to the edge.

Taylor adjusts herself as Karlie traces fingers down her thighs, lifting the other blonde’s legs to rest on her shoulders. Taylor, elbows holding herself up, focuses her eyes on the taller woman between her thighs as Karlie smirks at her before licking her lips and placing her mouth on the singer’s most sensitive area.

“FUCK!” Taylor shouts as the bathroom rug slips underneath her and she slams her elbow against the corner of the counter, just barely catching herself.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” she continues frustratedly, as she steadies herself, grasps her elbow, and puts her toothbrush back on its charger. She rinses and wipes her mouth and exits the bathroom.

Taylor paces back and forth in her bedroom, hands down by her side, opening and closing her fists, and shaking them out.

“I am not going to make it through the day like this. What is wrong with me?” she sighs out in frustration.

After last night’s dream, and this morning’s resurfacing of memories, Taylor is feeling rather… agitated.

“I cannot… be thinking about her like this,” Taylor reminds herself, “She literally has a family… even if it’s an unconventional kind.”

She crawls onto her bed, grabs her phone and checks her calendar, full of meetings with Tree and dance rehearsals. She tosses the phone across her bed and leans back against the pillows, staring at the ceiling.

“Don’t do it.” She knows she’s going to do it.

Buzz.

She grabs her phone. A welcome distraction! Except… it’s Karlie.

Karlie
<View photo>
Oh my god, look at this cute gift set they got me! Helping me get through this meeting now that you have red roomed my brain.

Taylor opens the photo to see Karlie, neck down, holding a small basket of makeup, a sleep mask, and other goodies.

It doesn’t help that she’s holding the basket against her chest, and that TODAY of all days, Karlie decided it was a good idea to wear a lowcut top that emphasizes the curves of her womanhood.

Taylor
Cute. Now behave, Ms. Kloss.

Karlie
Noted. Break’s over—text soon!

Taylor tosses the phone down again and throws her left arm over her forehead.

“I’m going to hell,” she says to herself, as her right hand sneaks its way beneath her sleep shorts.

Her breath hitches when she finds herself much wetter than she expected.

Karlie Fucking Kloss.

Karlie takes her time with her girlfriend, ensuring to tease her with soft, languid strokes of the tongue in between bouts of sucking on her sensitive nub and then heading south to dip the tip of her tongue inside, humming in pleasure at the taste that embodies the essence of Taylor.

Taylor let’s out shaky breath after shaky breath as she looks upon the woman between her thighs in awe. There’s something so sensually artistic about the way the neon glow of the entryway lights reflects across her messy, wet blonde locks, and how Karlie’s (always) intense stare takes on the coloring of the moonlit pool water that lays the scene behind her.

As Karlie’s tongue brings Taylor closer to ecstasy, she struggles to hold herself up as her arms and legs start to shake. She allows for her arms to give out and lays back fully, eyes to the night sky, as her girlfriend continues to work against her center.

Taylor’s chest heaves up and down with every erratic breath she takes. Her body is somehow chilled and on fire at the same time. The fresh water droplets polishing her lightly tanned skin mixed with the night air leave goosebumps, but it’s like the heat between her legs has lit a match to every nerve inside of her. The feeling is overwhelming and she brings her hands up to her sides to make contact with the skin across her ribcage, to ensure she is still truly present on this earth.

She can feel the pounding of her own heart reverberating against her fingertips and sighs out as she brushes her hands upwards, grasping onto her breasts with a moan.

Karlie shifts her focus to Taylor’s clit, flattening her tongue against it, licking and sucking in a familiar pattern she knows Taylor enjoys.

The older blonde’s panting increases and her hands instinctively move to cover her face, as if trying to shield her truth from the outside world… the truth that this ever-consuming pleasure and love she feels can only be brought on by one Karlie Kloss.

“Kar—" she breathes out.

That blooming feeling deep inside her abdomen builds and builds until it explodes.

“Karlie!” she screams out as she climaxes and waves of pleasure hit her as her hips thrust and she loses herself against the other woman’s mouth.

“Kar—” Taylor hums.

The movement of her fingers increases as she finds herself chasing her orgasm.

Eyelids shut, and the ingrained image of a sultry aquamarine stare is all it takes before she’s falling over the edge

“Karlie,” she sighs out, bringing herself down from her climax.

She opens her eyes and removes her hand from beneath her sleep shorts.

“Well, per usual… what the actual fuck, Taylor?”

She flips herself so she’s facedown on the bed, shoves her face into the pillow and screams.

She is so screwed. But… she does feel better.

She feels better until she meets with Tree later that morning, at least. The black SUV that stealthily moves through the streets of the city begins to feel like a torture chamber when Taylor feels the sudden intensity of the ginger’s stare on her.

“Why do you look like that?”

“Like what?” Taylor snaps. She’s not loving the laser focus from the redhead.

“Like…” Tree’s brows furrow in thought, “Are you seeing someone?”

“What?? No. What are you talking about?” Taylor shifts in her seat, uncomfortably.

“I need to know if you are. Because it’s going to make this whole thing with Kelce more difficult and I’ll need to prepare,” she says, opening up her notebook and clicking her pen.

“Tree, I’m not seeing anyone.”

Tree eyes her curiously.

“What’s the update on… Kloss?” she asks, hesitantly.

Taylor glares at her publicist.

“There’s no update, Tree. Can we please move on?”

Tree sighs, putting her pen down. She risks pissing off the popstar further, but it is kind of her job to do so.

“I think… you might be full of shit. Have you seen her?”

“No, we’ve literally only interacted via phone,” Taylor grunts, looking out the window, willing away the other woman’s stare.

“Okay… well, off the record so to speak, how are you feeling about everything?”

Taylor rolls her eyes and looks back at Tree.

“How about ON the record, you butt out unless I tell you it’s a concern?”

Tree sighs, “All right, fine. So... Travis, then? Are you ready for it?”

“No.”

“Great. You make my job so wonderfully easy.”

By the time she is back in her SUV, making her way to her last stop of the day— the dance studio for rehearsals, Taylor is in a horrific mood. She is tired. Not physically. But she’s beginning to feel like the anti-hero is splitting off and becoming its own entity inside of her.

She takes her phone out of her purse, realizing she hasn’t had a chance to check it in hours.

Karlie Fucking Kloss
5 New Messages

Taylor once again finds herself smiling at the name on the screen. It’s almost as if simply seeing two letter “Ks” causes the anti-hero to dissipate. How can I feel more like myself just by seeing her name on my screen?

Karlie
Hey you. Just got out of the loooongest meeting of my life. Please send help. In need of life raft. Would be happier if a cute blonde was in it, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Karlie
It really doesn’t help that my mind has been on swimming pools since I sent you that note this morning.

Karlie
Sorry… was that too much? I’ve just been having a day.

Karlie
Is this how it feels to be the awkward one? Because I am feeling AWKWARD right now.

Karlie
Please text me back. I am an anxious giraffe.

Taylor giggles reading the texts back. She already feels lighter. But she’s definitely not going to let Karlie know her mind has also been on swimming pools.

Taylor
Could you beeeeee anymore desperate?

Karlie
Chandler! Aww man, RIP. Been meaning to ask how you’re feeling about that? :(

Taylor
Ugh, let’s not. I’ve also had a terrible day and sitting in my FRIENDS grief will only make it worse.

Karlie
Oh no! Want to taco bout it?

Taylor
Not so much. Rather forget it until tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

Karlie
Yikes. I’m sorry you had a rough one. Do you have time to get a workout in or something to help clear your mind?

Taylor
I am actually about to head into dance rehearsals. That usually helps.

Karlie
Oh good! Sweat it out. Shake it off.

Taylor
I’m eye-rolling you right now.

Karlie
Fair. Text me when you’re home?

Taylor
Sounds good.

Taylor’s legs ache by the time she enters her home that night. Per usual, she pushed herself to the brink at rehearsals, but it definitely gave her the endorphins to brush off the rest of the day’s feelings.

By the time the cats are fed, she’s showered, and curled up in bed, she isn’t sure she has the energy for more Karlie. Some place deep inside her knows she owes it to her to listen to what the woman wants to share with her.

Taylor
Hey, I know it’s getting late. Are you still up to share those notes?

Karlie
Hiiii. Yes. If you are? Do you have the mental space for them?

Taylor
I can make space for them.

Karlie
Are you sure, Taylor? No worries if you want to push to tomorrow. I don’t want to overwhelm you.

Taylor
Talking through it with you will help, I’m sure.

Karlie
I’m definitely here for that. Ready for the next one?

Taylor
Hit me.

Note 97
May 13, 2023

Now, I know this is a total fucking farce. Matty Healey? Taylor. Seriously? Tree, where are you? What are you doing? Who vetted him? Oh babe, I wish I was there. I’d give you the warnings for what is about to come. It’s not 2014 anymore! The internet is going to be on this in days. He is so frustrating because he digs his heels in on everything he says just to be a pain in the ass, even if he doesn’t believe it.

I never liked him. I especially hated him that night. You know the night. The night that catapulted our lives into never-ending chaos.

I always knew what caused you to lose control of yourself that night. I never said anything because the next morning you were a mess, but I know why you were so clingy. You had met with him and Tree before the show. Part of the ever-genius plan to fake another relationship so we could continue to be out and about together. Because Josh wasn’t enough. Maybe he could’ve been if we hadn’t made a mess that night.

I watched you take shot after shot. Drink after drink. The way you hung on to me, I knew we were in trouble, but I couldn’t bear to let you go. You were so apologetic for our situation. I did everything I could to just get you refocused on enjoying the concert together. I let you put your hands all over me (not that I minded, but Tree fucking laid into me for that the next day). I tried to make sure your lips didn’t meet mine. I tried, but you were in that mood of yours. The one where you were determined to sneak attack me. And you were too quick. And if you weren’t so fucking cute about it, I would’ve been mad. But I couldn’t be mad. Because your tipsy smile was so damn kissable. I was so disheartened I couldn’t kiss you again. You were being so sweet with me, in your drunken stupor. I just wanted to hold you through it, so I did. And it became the first of many bullets that would torpedo its way through us over the years.

So… yeah, this choice is interesting, to say the least, considering how much it made you spiral when this was part of the initial plans back then. But, of course, the ever-changing mind of one Taylor Swift is not one to question.

I hope you don’t get too much blowback because I do not foresee this going well. Somehow, you always come out above it. Must be nice. Because I can keep my side of the street as clean as possible, but it’s never enough for the vultures.

“I’m so sorry, Kar. In another world, right? But I want to have just you in this one!” Taylor pouts as she shouts over the blasting music.

“It’s okay, Taylor. Let’s just have fun tonight. We can talk more about your meeting tomorrow.”  

“But can’t I have just you, Kar? I want to touch just you. I want to love just you,” the shorter blonde says as she snuggles into Karlie.

“You do love just me, babe. It’s okay, really.” Karlie wraps her arm around Taylor’s shoulder and pulls her in closer.

“But…” Taylor begins, in thought, “I hate when Josh touches you. And I don’t want to make you feel that way.”

Karlie’s body tenses at the blatant honesty from the other woman.

“Like, Karlie, if I had lasers for eyes, he’d be dead by now. Ten times over.”

“Babe… it’s all okay, though. This was part of the plan for us, remember? We agreed on it. To protect us. And for both of our careers. You know he’s harmless.”

Taylor looks up into Karlie’s eyes and scrunches her eyebrows together. She studies her face and shakes her head, letting out a huff.

“Sometimes, I don’t know. You’re so pretty. He probably wants you. Who wouldn’t want you? Everybody wants you. I don’t like it.”

Karlie laughs at the evident jealousy coming through from her drunken girlfriend.

“Mine,” Taylor says, shoving her head into Karlie’s shoulder and pulling her closer.

“Yes, Tay. All yours,” Karlie says, rubbing her hand up and down Taylor’s arm for further reassurance.

“I’m your koala, Karrrr. I can’t let go. I want you like bamboo,” Taylor says, squeezing her arms tightly around the tall model.

“I think those are pandas, babes.”

“Don’t patronize me, Karlie,” she says looking up, a finger in the taller woman’s face and a grin, “Maybe it’s eucalyptus. I don’t know, Kar. But I wanna climb you like a TREE. HA. Tree. You’re not Tree, but you’re like a tree. You’re so tall, Kar. You’re so tall and good-looking,” she rambles on with a giant smile on her face, but her eyes are glossy and nearly sealed shut at this point.

Karlie knows Taylor has lost the plot. She has transitioned from sadness to jealousy, right back into her silly goof mood.

Karlie runs with it and encourages the girl to dance and sing the night away. And it’s working, except the delay of the shots is catching up to the smaller woman. And the lights are flashing, and the reality of where they are is fading. And a game of dodge-and-dash ends in Taylor’s lips on Karlie’s.

Karlie was quick to bring her fingers to the other woman’s jaw to gently push her away.

But she wasn’t quite quick enough.

Taylor can feel her ears heating up and that pit in her stomach she felt all those years ago. The anxiety that comes with the memories of that night is something she hasn’t yet overcome. How just shortly after she kissed Karlie, they had ripped them away from each other. How Karlie was then all over Josh to fix her screw-up, while she had to pretend she didn’t care and pretend to enjoy the rest of the show with the other girls, knowing all she had wanted was Karlie.

Buzz.

She snaps out of it when she sees the next text from Karlie.

Karlie
You okay, Tay? You can call me if you need to.

Taylor
Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just… thinking about that night.

Karlie
I know. It was a whirlwind.

Taylor
The next day was awful.

Karlie
Well, the gnarly hangover you were rockin’ didn’t help.

Taylor
Facts. My anxiety was so bad that day. It still gives me anxiety to think about. I puked like 10 times that morning.

Karlie
I felt horrible for you. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to hold you, but you were so… scared. Like if I touched you, the whole world would hear about it. It was the beginning of a lot of changes for us.

Taylor
I know. I’m so sorry for that. Sometimes I look back and think, what if I had been braver? What if I had just ripped the band-aid off? What if I had said, “Yep, I kissed her last night. I’m in love with her and I don’t care what you all think.” Where would we be? Would we have lost everything? Today, would we just be two poor women in some cottage somewhere, living off the land, reminiscing over our youth? Or would we resent each other for all the hell I’m sure we would’ve faced back then, and it would’ve torn us apart even sooner than it did?

Karlie
If there is some version of us in an alternate universe going full-blown Folklore cottage core lesbian, I’d die to see it. But reality is… we’ll never know, Tay. All we know is the choices we made and where we are now because of them.

Taylor
Some of our choices were so stupid.  

Karlie
Yeah, well it was 2014. You were a 25-year-old female pop star. I was a 22-year-old female model. We didn’t exactly have a map of how to navigate our situation.

Taylor
We sure fucked up the route, though.

Karlie
Maybe there have just been a few detours along the journey…

Taylor
Maybe… Matty was just as bad of an idea the second time.

Karlie
Oh yeah. What was that about?

Taylor
It was… a quick cover. With the tour going on, when Joe… we had to do something. It wasn’t a good look seemingly getting dumped right as I start a world tour. It was more of a pulse check to see how the public would respond and… well, we know how that went.

Karlie
Got it. Well, speaking of Joe… he’s in here somewhere.

Taylor
Oh, is it the next note?? Are you about to slaughter me?

Karlie
Not the next. But, I’m nervous for this one.

Taylor
Well, great. If you’re nervous, then I’m definitely fucked. It can’t be that bad?

Karlie
It’s not bad, it’s just a tough topic for us.

Taylor
Oh, shit. We’re in May.

Karlie
Yeah.

Taylor
Well, it’s not like I don’t know you have two kids by now.

Karlie
Are you sure?

Taylor
Yeah, I’m okay. Maybe be prepared for a panic attack phone call.

Karlie
That makes me feel… not any better.

Taylor
It’s okay. Really. I think. Just send it, Karlie. I’m getting more anxious waiting.

Karlie
Okay, okay.

Note 96
May 5, 2023

It’s today. The announcement day. I’m going to show up to the Met Gala nearly 7 months pregnant. And there’s no way to warn you. Because we still haven’t spoken… and every day that goes by that we haven’t is another shock to my system, but it’s reality.

There is just no way I can call you up out of the blue and tell you, “Hey, just so you know, I’m having another child with him, but I swear it was through IVF this time. And it’s because I love being a mom. And because I wanted Levi to have a sibling, because you and I both know how great it is to have siblings. And because we planned it out thoroughly. And I’m so, so happy, but so, so scared that you’ll think it means I’m not thinking of you.”

Because I’m always thinking of you. I was thinking of you at every appointment. I was thinking about how you should’ve been there, holding my hand. I was thinking about how we talked about doing this together for years. How we were supposed to have one tall midwestern and one curly haired goofball.

I love him so much already. He’s calmer than Levi. He just hangs out in there. But I will walk into this gala with my head held high, as I always do. I will glow. Because I am proud to be a mother.

I just wish you were the one here standing next to me, feeling just as proud.

Taylor
You did glow that night. And I am proud of you. Mothers are badass. What your body goes through and then everything that comes after… I’m proud of you for that.

Karlie
Thank you, I really appreciate that. But I feel like… there is more you probably want to say about how you felt.

Taylor
Honestly?

Karlie
Yeah, please tell me. It’s okay. I know this is hard, but I want you to tell me.

Taylor
I wanted to punch your weasel husband’s lights out.

Karlie
Okay… that’s not exactly what I was expecting you to say.

Taylor
I did, though. I wanted to drag him by his hair and put him through a wall. Because he had what was supposed to be mine. I was angry, so maybe I projected it onto him. But I was angry. And I didn’t think it was fair to be angry at you. Because you really did… look so beautiful, Kar and I know how much you always wanted more than one kid. But I was never supposed to see you that way, without you being next to me. It felt wrong. And I was angry that I had to feel all that for a second time.

And while it does feel better to know it was through IVF this time (like, a lot better to be honest—not that it’s my damn business), this topic IS still very hard for me. Like extremely difficult. Like, I can’t breathe and get kind of shaky because I cannot believe we didn’t do this together. I don’t really know how I’ll ever get over that.

Karlie
Thank you for being honest. What exactly do you mean you don’t really know how you’ll ever get over it?

Taylor
We spent hours and hours talking about how we were supposed to experience this together. And you got to experience it. With someone else. And you’ll always have that with someone else. And I didn’t get to be any part of it.

Karlie
Do you resent me for it?

Taylor
A little bit. Not that I think it’s fair to. But I won’t lie. I’m jealous and I’m mad and I’m… heartbroken over it. I don’t think you’ll ever understand what it feels like to be on this side of it. And so, yeah… I do resent you for that.

Karlie
Taylor… it kills me that you feel that way. It really does. I know I’ll never know the extent of your feelings on it. And I do think this is something that we will have to continue to break down because it’s a topic that… is not going away. But right now, I just want to say how proud I am of you for sharing that with me. It stings like hell, but I get it. I hear what you’re saying. And I am grateful you were able to say it.  

Taylor
Okay, don’t be too nice now. My blood is still boiling.

Karlie
Well, I can share the next note if you want to hear about my blood boiling instead??

Taylor
Oh, please do.

Note 95
April 8, 2023

Wow. He’s really… gone, isn’t he? I don’t know what it means, but he’s gone.

He had this way about him, like being next to you was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. Like he didn’t realize he was standing next to gold, even if he didn’t feel for you what I did.

It always pissed me off, especially those times you’d come home after a pap walk and you had that look on your face.

“What’s wrong?” I’d ask.

“Nothing,” you’d say.

Then, I’d see the pictures. And I’d bring up how he really sucked at playing the part for you and you’d get mad at me and we’d fight about it.

And I know it was dumb because I know it wasn’t real, but I think part of me always worried you had some underlying feelings for him or something, since you would always defend him. And then in the end… when you chose to continue that journey with him instead of figuring out a way to make it work with me… it… well, it was hard for me to watch.

I don’t know, maybe I thought if I walked away, it would wake you up. And you’d realize we needed to change something about our situation. Maybe you’d get rid of him. Maybe we’d figure a way for me to slowly get me out of my situation. But, no, you stayed attached to him.

What was the final straw? What made you cut the cord? Did he leave? Did you?

Taylor
He wanted out. And I still can’t believe you ever thought that. Karlie, you really didn’t know what was going on?  

Karlie
No?

Taylor
Do you know how embarrassing it is when someone doesn’t even want to FAKE date you? When the idea of others thinking someone is attracted to you for anything other than a pay day is so unappealing to the person, they can’t even fake a smile? When they’re supposed to be your long-term partner? I just wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be able to come home to you and laugh about it, but I couldn’t. Because I was constantly afraid he was going to walk away and leave us screwed.  

You had Josh all those years, while I was dumping and recycling. Looking like someone who couldn’t hold down a relationship. Same damn story. It was constant anxiety. Then, he finally did it. He left, but at least you were already gone.

Karlie
I guess… I didn’t ever think about it like that. I’m sorry, Taylor.

Taylor
You really don’t have to be. I don’t mean to be here playing the victim card about something I’ve actively chosen to do, but every time we fought was really just my anxiety about not being able to keep up the appearances needed to keep you around. I guess it didn’t work.

Karlie
Taylor…

Taylor
I’m just in a mood today. Can you send the last one? I want to go to bed.

Karlie
Are you upset with me?

Taylor
No, it’s not you. I’m just frustrated from everything today. But how bad is the last one?

Karlie
It’s really nothing in comparison.

Taylor
Well, thank god.

Note 94
April 1, 2023

Saw Gigi and Cara for my Dior Event. It was nice to be with both of them again at the same time, but it felt like there was a weird elephant in the room.

Finally, Cara made some joke about whether my dog Joe had more personality than Joe Alwyn. I’m pretty sure my face went red. Cara was… unamused, to say the least.

“God Karlie, are you still at that? She’s not really with him, you know? Nothing’s changed there.”

And while I reminded her I didn’t want to hear about you, she reminded me that I did. And that she knew I was in my head about it, getting stuck in the media of it all.

“Any girls?” I asked, instantly regretting it.

“No… not currently.”

“Okay,” is all I could say.

Because “not currently” buzzed around in my head the rest of the night. Because I wanted to ask, “How many have there been? Has she been in love? Anyone I know?”

But it wasn’t my place. And while I want to know, I don’t want to know. I’m not stupid. I know you haven’t just been hiding in your room not seeing anyone. But the inescapable jealousy rings in my ears.

“NOT currently.”

And I repeat the “not” and I hold onto it for the sake of my sanity.

Taylor
Every. Single. Victoria’s. Secret. Model. You. Know.  

Karlie
Oh, fuck you!

Taylor
Hahah I’m just kidding.  

Karlie
I know. The girls know I’d kill them. Did I ever tell you about the NTT rule?

Taylor
No??

Karlie
Oh my god… Taylor. This is so embarrassing. But Martha noticed how jealous I’d get if you were talking to any of the other Angels after we first met. She called me out so quickly and I was like, “Yeah, totally crushing on her okay, shut up.” So, she enforced the NTT rule: No Touching Taylor. If any of the Angels got too handsy when you’d come to shoots when we first started talking, she’d enforce NTT and the girls would swipe you away from whoever it was. It was so funny, but you and I weren’t official yet, so I was way too embarrassed to tell you that was happening.

Taylor
Oh… my… god. That’s why they were always pushing and pulling people away from me. I thought they were just trying to keep people on schedule.

Karlie
You didn’t notice when we’d go out to bars, too?

Taylor
Wait, I am laughing so hard. This all makes so much more sense. I kind of thought they all just got bored of me, but I didn’t really care because I was just filling time until you’d give me your attention. Wow… so young Karlie was territorial??  

Karlie
So bad. Martha said my face could only be described as “intense feral rage” when anyone would talk to you. She also said something along the lines of, “You look like a cat in heat who is ready to kill the other whore cats for trying to take her man.”

Taylor
Stop it. That is… amazing. “The other whore cats”?? I’m dying. Thank you, I needed this laugh.

Karlie
Martha’s words. You can thank her.

Taylor
I really do need to get some sleep and so do you. You’re never up this late!

Karlie
Never too late for you.  

Taylor rereads the words. The double meaning not missed. She will continue to ignore this. Maybe she’ll think about it tomorrow. Maybe she’ll keep pushing it off. Who is she kidding? She’ll keep pushing it off.

Taylor
Get some rest. Goodnight, Karlie.

Karlie
Goodnight, Tay. Sleep well. <3

Chapter Text

October 31, 2023

Halloween. It’s always been one of Taylor’s favorite holidays. As a kid, she loved getting to dress up as different characters; any chance to be someone other than herself. Behind a mask, no one could see the curly-headed “dork” who was so very misunderstood at school.

Even now, nearly 34, she’s still dressing up as characters. Not always for the holiday, but for her career, for versions of herself she presents to those who love an idea of her… not the real her.

Maybe she’s done enough playing pretend already this fall. But she’s just not feeling it this year. She’s got the Argentina leg coming up. She’s got an insane schedule on the horizon. She’s got anxiety-inducing contracts to fulfill. She is just not up to Halloween this year.

Not even when she gets the text from Karlie (while juggling an iced coffee, her bag, and her keys as she’s headed out the door) does a smile appear on her face.

Buzz.

She can’t check her phone until she’s downstairs and in the SUV. After clamoring past her security and into the vehicle, she leans her head back against the headrest and lets out a heavy sigh.

She’s. Just. Not. Feeling. It. Today.

After she’s settled in the backseat, seatbelt on, bag in place next to her, she takes a large gulp of her drink before placing it in the door side cupholder. She finds and pulls her phone out of her bag, adjusts her sunglasses so they’re now on her head, and opens her messages.

Karlie
Happy Halloween, Tay!

Taylor
Happy is not the right word for today.

Karlie
Oh no… another bad day ahead? It’s not even 9 AM!

Taylor
Being awake right now should be reason enough alone.

Karlie
You need an extra-large Dunkin’.

Taylor
Gross. I’m fine with my at-home coffee maker, thanks. It’s not working fast enough though.

Karlie
No one ever believes me on the Dunkin’. What’s got you down today?

Taylor
Just more prep for an awful few months.

Karlie
Ahh I see. Well, I don’t want to add more stress. When’s best for you today?

Taylor looks up and around the car. She notices they have been moving pretty slowly so far.

“Hey Jeremy, what’s the ETA?” she shouts to the front.

“A lot of traffic this morning. GPS is saying 45 minutes.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Swift. There’s not really anywhere for me to go.”

“No, no. You’re fine. Just glad I got out of the house early today. Can you—um… put the divider up? I may need to make a few calls.”

“Sure, no problem.”

She returns to her phone and types out a response, as the darkened window divider makes it’s way up, separating the two sections of the vehicle and allowing her some privacy.

Taylor
I have 45 minutes right now and that’s about it.

Karlie
Right now it is.

Note 93.
March 19, 2023

I’ve been seeing all the videos of the Eras Tour. I couldn’t escape them if I tried because everyone is talking about it. But Taylor… I am just completely blown away by you. It looks insane. There is so much I want to say to you, but I don’t even know how to put it into words. I just wish you knew that I am so inexplicably proud of you.

I remember this anxious young woman from 2015, who would blow out stadiums. And she looked pretty hot on electric guitar. But she was so wiped out after. Like all the energy it took to be THE Taylor Swift drained her physically and mentally.

I could always tell when I’d get the after-show phone call how spent you were. And when I’d first see you after you returned from international locations, how clingy you’d be.

I remember the first time I saw you when you came back from Shang Hai. I met you at your place the first day you were back. You opened the door and grabbed me by the sweatshirt, tugging me up the stairs, without saying a word to me. Here I thought I was getting lucky, but you let go of my top once we entered your room. You immediately crawled into bed, patted the spot next to you and just said, “Hold me?” You looked so small and fragile, a thought that had been crossing my mind too frequently at the time.

“How was it?” I asked, crawling in next to you.

“Great,” is all you said before snuggling into me and falling asleep.

You were out for hours. I had to have your security bring me food to your room because I was starving, but every time I moved, you let out the most pathetic whimper… like you’d crumble if I got up and walked away. Thankfully, the remote was in reach though, because I couldn’t do 12 straight hours of Grey’s Anatomy. I just couldn’t.

The only time I got up was to run to the bathroom and you immediately woke up.

“No, Kar, please,” you mumbled out as I tried to remove myself from your grip.

“I just have to pee, I’ll be right back,” I assured you with a kiss on your forehead.

When I returned your eyes were open, staring at me but not saying anything. Waiting. I crawled back into bed and you immediately resumed your position. Within seconds, I heard your breathing even out. And I remember that moment so vividly because I was getting really worried about you. I wondered how much you had slept while away. And… in my heart I knew you weren’t getting enough sustenance to get you through those performances. I may have been a bit more annoying about checking in with Tree after that every time I couldn’t be there. At least when you were home, I could convince you to join me in a high protein smoothie before we had to separate for the day.

Looking at you now, though. You are commanding the stage. And no, no one ever would’ve known how much it used to take for you to do that before. But I can tell, it’s easy for you now. I can tell you’re stronger and more confident and healthier. And Taylor, you’ve never sounded better. You’re the biggest star around and you shine like none other.

Taylor
If I still had the level of anxiety I had back in 2015, I’d be dead by now.

Karlie
Yay for growth?

Taylor
Adulting so hard. Eating and weight training helps, too.

Karlie
I mean… I’ve always told you that.

Taylor
Indeed. Thank you… for saying those things, though. Or, writing them?

Karlie
You’re doing so good, Taylor. Really impressed, proud, and… honestly, relieved I can worry about you a little less these days.

Taylor
Only a little less?

Karlie
I’ll always worry about you. Especially if you keep having bad days??

Taylor
At this rate, you’re going to be worried for a couple of months.

Karlie
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?

Taylor
Time will tell, most unfortunately.

Karlie
Time, curious time…

Taylor
We’re on a schedule here, Kloss. Let’s go!

Karlie
Okay… Taylor, this is going to sound stupid but are you in a safe space?

Taylor
I’m in the car in route to meet Tree, why?

Taylor sees three dots typing and disappearing. Typing and disappearing. It dawns on her.

Taylor
March… Big Sur?

Karlie
Yeah. Are you sure you want this one now? We can skip it and come back?

Taylor
Now, later, either way it still exists. I’ll be okay.

Karlie
Okay. I’m just getting the boys dressed so call if you need me.

Note 92.
March 6, 2023

Reminding myself to be careful about my internet scrolling today, because the group who still clings to the idea of us will be celebrating something I don’t get to celebrate anymore. I swear they made an entire week-long holiday for it.

“Happy Big Sur week!” It makes me want to throw my phone into a woodchipper. And maybe myself. And now I must remind myself there’s a life growing inside me, so no jumping into woodchippers. Noted.

But the problem is, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about all of it. Especially that night when we finally crossed the line. Call it hormones, I don’t know. But it’s been replaying in my mind so much, I’m waiting for a goddamn pop-up ad for single girls in my area to display inside my head, followed by a “Warning! A virus in your brain has been detected, you horny pervert!”

But I can’t help it. Every year it hits harder. Time passes and those versions of us fade further and further away. And the nostalgia that comes with that memory makes me so fucking sick to my stomach, it’s easier to just focus on the physical.

Looking back, we had been talking pretty much daily since we connected in November. At first, we pretended it was friendship, but we both always knew it was more. In fact, everyone around us always knew it was more. And at the time it seemed like it took forever for us to get together. Because the need to be as close to you as possible was immediate. But in reality, it was pretty quick. After all, it was that early March trip that changed my life forever.

I remember coming home from that trip and feeling like my world had been flipped upside down. You had made sure to plant your lips everywhere from my collarbones to my forehead as we said our goodbyes, before a member of your security team gently reminded us, I was going to be late. I essentially stumbled away from you to climb into the back of the car, the closing of the door separating us putting an immediate ache in my heart, a reminder of the impending distance. I sat in a daze in the backseat on that trip to the airport. And it felt even more of a fever dream when your security re-opened the door for me upon arrival and cleared his throat, gesturing to his face. “You might want to wipe that off, ma’am.” Grabbing a makeup mirror out of my bag, I clearly saw the red smear all over my cheeks and eyebrow and neck. He just awkwardly guarded the door while I rubbed away all the remnants of your lipstick, wishing I could keep it there for a little bit longer.

My body buzzed the entire flight back to the east coast. I felt lit up inside in a way I’d never experienced before. I was so exhausted by the time I was home that night, that I went straight to my bathroom to begin getting ready for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I remember looking myself over in the mirror.

The remnants of lipstick, long gone now. My t-shirt, the same one from two nights prior that I had thrown on for travel that morning, subtly stretched out around the collar from when you roughly pulled me closer to you. And then a small bruise forming at the base of my neck from your vampire teeth early that morning. I hadn’t noticed it until then.

I remember freezing in time. Leaning closer to the mirror, tracing my fingertips over the discolored skin.

“Holy shit,” I had said to myself when it suddenly hit me.

“I had sex with Taylor Swift.”

And I just lost it. I couldn’t stop laughing, because…when did that become my life? But you weren’t Taylor Swift to me. When we were together, you were just Taylor. That’s why I couldn’t believe it. And so, when I finally came down from my laughing fit, I could feel my muscles stretching from the giant smile still planted on my face.

“And it was sooo good,” I whispered to myself, giggly as I put away my toothbrush.

I spent the rest of that night lying in bed, staring at my ceiling, hands behind my head, replaying it. It was… magic. And I knew I wanted it to happen again. And again. And again (mind you, I was 21 at the time and your body had been on my mind for months leading up to this point). But I had a feeling I would want it to happen “again and again” for the rest of our lives.

I’m not going to lie, my horny little lovesick mind had imagined us in many a scenario leading up to it. But it was perfect. You were perfect.

But I missed it immediately. I missed you immediately.

And then you called me the next day.

“New York, it is. I’m moving to New York.”

And the words should’ve scared me, but all I felt was elated. Everything felt right. And now? Everything couldn’t feel more wrong.

My girl… where have you gone?

Taylor’s finger lingers as it grazes over the last words. Is she even still Karlie’s girl? Where has she gone? Where did their love go? Did it ever really go anywhere? Or does it sit, stagnant, hovering around her, weighing her down like the stickiness of the humidity on an August day in the city?

She feels an ache in her chest that she can’t pinpoint. All she knows is it hurts. She’s unsure when the tears started down her cheeks, but they’re silent and light, as if taunting her with the truths of her inner ache. She clicks the button on her phone that blackens the screen and wipes away the salty streams that have made their escape, as she takes a moment to pull herself together.

She shuts her eyes tight, counts her breaths, and wills away memories she knows she can’t push down no matter how hard she tries.

So, she accepts them. She brings them in. She lets her mind wash away into the sea of Karlie.

A day of hiking and sightseeing and cute photos. An evening of alone time after saying goodnight to the security team and closing the door to their cozy cabin. A bottle… or two of red wine and a warm fire and light-hearted giggles. A heavy-weighted shift in the air that has yet to be acknowledged.

“Pirouette?? No, I seriously can’t even do First Position or whatever it’s called.”

“WHAT!? Taylor! Just turn your feet out,” Karlie says through a giggle, as she steadies herself, coming down from a very long-legged and graceful pirouette.

“In case you haven’t noticed, my feet DON’T GO THAT WAY,” Taylor complains dramatically, pointing down toward her toes, “I’m a pigeon-toed freak.”

“Hey! Don’t talk about my best friend like that! And your walk is so cute. It kind of reminds me of Tommy Pickles.”

“That is… not a compliment,” Taylor says with a huff, crossing her arms in front of herself.

“But Tommy Pickles is the fearless leader, Taylor,” she says as she walks over to the small fireside table that is currently holding their two wine glasses. She grabs both and returns to Taylor’s side, taking a swig of wine from her glass and passing Taylor her own.

“There is no one like Tommy Pickles. And there is no one like Taylor Swift!” Karlie continues, poking Taylor in the chest.

Taylor eyes her curiously, “Hmm… you may have saved yourself on that one, Kloss.”

“It was the use of ‘Fearless’ wasn’t it? You totally get off on your own brand.”

“Hey, you shut up! I do not.”

“Mmhmm… sure,” Karlie replies with a nod.

Taylor rolls her eyes and takes another sip of wine. They’ve drained about one and a half bottles at this point and she’s definitely feeling a little loopy. Her need to keep moving was her brain’s mechanism of distraction, so she didn’t sit in the growing tension between her and her best friend… that was becoming more palpable by the minute. So, asking Karlie to show her some ballet basics seemed like a genius idea. Except for the fact she is awkward as hell and not at all fit to play the role of a ballerina.

“Here, give me that,” Karlie says as she takes Taylor’s wine glass back and once again places it on the small table by the fireplace.

“Okay, come here,” Karlie gestures for Taylor to move closer to her, hands out in front of her.

“Why?” Taylor asks with suspicion, stood unmoving.

“Oh my god, you’re so annoying,” Karlie says with an eyeroll, “Here.”

Karlie moves forward and grabs Taylor by the wrists.

“Do what my feet do,” she straightens her legs and turns her feet outward, showing the pose to Taylor.

“I told you, my feet don’t DO that.”

Karlie kicks at the shorter woman’s feet.

“Hey!”

“Move them! Come on,” she urges, feet going back into place.

“Ugh, fine,” Taylor twists her legs as far as she can to face them pointing outwards. She doesn’t get very far before her knees start to buckle and she grips onto Karlie’s arms for support.

“Karlieeee, they don’t go any further,” she whines.

Karlie looks down at Taylor’s feet and giggles, “Okay, seriously, how do you dance on stage?”

Taylor pouts and Karlie smiles at her, “Don’t worry. You still make it sexy.”

At that, Taylor stumbles out of her twisted form and falls into Karlie’s chest. Karlie stumbles back just enough to reposition her feet into a normal stance and her grip on Taylor’s wrists loosens as she wraps her arms around her back for support.

Taylor groans with her forehead against Karlie’s chest, “Never speak of this,” she mumbles and Karlie giggles.

“Which part? You going weak in the knees for me?”

Taylor looks up from her position in Karlie’s arms to see the taller woman with her classic sunshine smile looking down at her. She regains function of her legs and puts her feet back flat on the ground, grip on Karlie not softening, closeness not wavering.

“I didn’t—” she starts, dropping eye contact as she looks down, attempting to ease her racing heart, “That’s not what… happened?” She’s unsure if even she believes it.

“Oh, it’s not? Damn, here I thought you were finally ready.”

“For what?” Taylor’s eyes snap up to blue-greens. Karlie’s smirk, so prominent, she’s certain it will be ingrained in memory for years to come.

Karlie doesn’t respond. She simply raises an assertive eyebrow at her and Taylor’s breath hitches. The unsaid, but oh so obvious energy that has flown between them for months now. Of course, Karlie is the one to bring attention to it. Charming, confident Karlie Kloss.

Karlie leans in first, but Taylor will try and claim it was 50-50 for months to come (in hopes of not having her mastermind card revoked). Whatever the ratio, their mouths meet somewhere between the 180-degree invisible string that inevitably tethers their lips together.

It’s a soft, simple pressure of warm wine-coated lips—tentative, gentle, testing out unchartered waters. New, but oh so familiar.

After a moment, Karlie pulls back, eyes on Taylor whose own remain closed.

“Was that… okay?” The taller blonde whispers, sounding more nervous than before, as if she’s now uncertain the other blonde was feeling the same way. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of the moment. But she needed to make sure she didn’t just royally screw up her relationship with her best friend.

Taylor swallows and breathes out and finally opens her eyes to meet Karlie’s. Karlie sees it now. The darker blue. The steely gaze of want that she’s seen before, but not yet from Taylor. And it’s everything and more, because she’s now certain this trip is going in a wildly different direction than originally intended… except maybe this was always the intention? Or were they truly kidding themselves?

Taylor glides her hands up the sides of Karlie’s arms and wraps one gently at the base of Karlie’s neck, gripping at her shirt collar with the other.

“Yes,” is all Taylor says before pulling Karlie roughly by the shirt, lips meeting more desperately this time, as Karlie wraps her arms more fully around Taylor’s back, pulling her impossibly close. Their mouths move against one another’s with ease, like they’ve practiced this dance a million times before. It’s the closest thing to feeling fireworks – that ungodly tension that’s been lingering in the air beginning to bend, releasing a flow of endorphins and relief and desire.

Things heat up when Taylor brushes her tongue against Karlie’s lower lip, asking for entrance. Karlie grants permission easily, but still releases a surprised moan at the feel of the other woman’s tongue in her mouth. It leads to an increase of clashing tongues and teeth, and busy hands that grasp hips and sides while others latch onto collarbones and brush against skin and play with hair, all with the desire to ground one another and find closeness.

And it’s Karlie whose hands get exploratory, pulling first at Taylor’s bottom to pull their hips close together, and then slipping their way underneath Taylor’s top, brushing softly against skin, creeping their way up, up, up until Taylor pulls back from their kiss, breaking for air.

“Are we… are we doing this?” Taylor asks breathlessly, nervous energy pulsing through her body.

“I— I think so. If you want to?” Karlie responds, pupil-blown eyes searching Taylor’s for any trace of hesitancy, warm hands frozen against the skin of Taylor’s back.

“I… yeah. I want to. Do you…. want to?”

“I definitely want to,” Karlie says with a smirk.

“Oh. Okay. Let’s do it then.”

“Let’s ‘do it’?” Karlie giggles.

“Shut up. You know what I mean.”

“Oh yeah, babe. Let’s definitely dooo it,” Karlie responds, sticking her tongue out just enough to cause an eyeroll from Taylor.

“Wanting to less now.”

“Nooo I’m joking. Please come here.”

And Karlie looks at her with desire-filled eyes. And she sounds so needy that Taylor can’t help but give in immediately.

So with that, their mouths meet again in an urgent kiss. Karlie’s hand wanders up the length of Taylor’s back once again, brushing against soft skin until her fingertips come in contact with the clasp of Taylor’s bra. She finagles the clasp, but before she can open it Taylor pulls back.

Karlie looks at Taylor in confusion until Taylor grabs at the bottom of her shirt and pulls it over her head with both hands.

“Oh,” Karlie says eyes focused on Taylor’s chest.

Taylor smirks and undoes the button of her jeans, pulling them down until they’re off, removing her socks in the process.

“Well fuck if I’m gonna be left behind,” Karlie says and strips her shirt, pants, and socks off in record speed causing Taylor to giggle.

“Someone desperate?” Taylor asks, with a raise of the eyebrow.

“Just come here,” is all Karlie says, again (Taylor will soon learn that it’s a phrase Karlie uses as a means of asking for intimacy, begging for closeness… and she’ll soon learn to love it— the sweetness of it, the repetition of it, the meaning behind it – all of it).

Karlie places her hand on the small of Taylor’s back and pulls the other woman flush against her. Using her other hand, Karlie brushes the hair out of Taylor’s face and tucks some of it behind her ear, leaning in for a sweet, chaste kiss.

“Much better,” she says.

“It’s a little cold,” Taylor whispers against her lips.

“Bed?” Karlie suggests.

Taylor nods against Karlie’s forehead and leans in for another kiss, while she allows Karlie to walk her backwards toward the bed, lips never detaching.

They take their time, exploring pieces of each other they have yet to get to know before taking things further. They soak in the feeling of lips against lips, skin against skin; the flow between deep, sensual kisses and light, feathery pecks; the brush of fingertips and the simple intimacy of them intertwined together.

And it’s once again Karlie’s hands that are too desperate to explore further to hold back any longer, as they once again make their way behind Taylor’s back. She pulls her lips away from Taylor’s with a soft pop, and they both take in a breath at the break of contact.

“Can I see you?” she asks softly, nose brushing against Taylor’s as she looks into the eyes of the woman below her.

Taylor nods and Karlie leans down to place gentle kisses along her neck as she works at the bra clasp, quickly unlatching it and pulling the material away from Taylor as she pulls back, tossing the undergarment aside. She takes a moment as she looks down at the woman below her. She shakes her head with a smile and leans down to kiss Taylor on the cheek, before whispering, “wow” into her ear causing the other woman to blush. She kisses down Taylor’s chest and stomach, then takes two fingers and loops them into the sides of Taylor’s panties and pulls them down, removing them from Taylor’s legs, sending them off to join the rest of their clothing.

On her knees, straddling one of Taylor’s thighs, Karlie takes in the full view of the smaller woman and swallows, her own face heating up from the blush creeping up her neck and chest.

“Double wow,” she whispers and Taylor laughs at Karlie’s ability to make light of this new situation for them.

Taylor places her hands against Karlie’s abs and brushes her fingertips against them softly, causing Karlie to tighten her stomach. She wraps her fingers around Karlie’s sides and pulls herself into a sitting position, kissing just below Karlie’s belly button.

 “You better catch up,” Taylor breathes out against Karlie’s skin, looking up to meet the tall model’s eye and gripping the sides of Karlie’s panties, nudging them down Karlie’s thighs until they’re locked around her knees.

“Fuck,” Karlie breathes out.

“Take it off,” Taylor says, nodding her head upward toward Karlie’s bra. The model swiftly removes her bra and glances down for Taylor’s approval, the other blonde’s lips still playing with the skin right below her belly button. She nods and Karlie adjusts herself so Taylor can remove her panties the rest of the way down her legs, tossing them aside. 

Karlie runs a hand through Taylor’s hair.

Taylor smiles up at her, “You really are a goddess,” she breathes out, lightly tracing the muscles beneath her fingertips where her lips just lay.

It’s not a growl, per se, but it’s some incoherent noise that comes from Karlie’s throat before her lips meet Taylor’s again and she has the woman flat on her back.

When skin fully meets skin, no lingering pieces of clothing to separate them, Karlie lets out a moan onto the other woman’s lips, bites down on her bottom one lightly and releases it. Taylor gasps at the loss of contact.

“I want you so bad, Taylor,” Karlie sighs against her mouth, hips bucking into the smaller woman, hands smoothly gripping around Taylor’s thigh, wrapping it around her waist.

A breathy Taylor takes in the woman above her, the sunshiny Karlie Kloss who currently looks exactly how she feels—like she’s about to implode if she doesn’t find a way to get even closer, become even more intimate, finally find a way to express this magnetic force of a feeling they have for one another.

“Have me,” Taylor says. And Karlie’s eyes latch onto hers: fierce and wanting and confirming. There’s no going back now, they both want it. They both need it.

Karlie’s lips are on the other woman’s neck, as her hands make their way to her chest, groping Taylor’s breasts as she rolls into the singer’s thigh from her semi-straddled position. It’s breathy and needy by the time her right hand makes its way down between Taylor’s thighs. She slips her fingers through wet folds and they both shutter against one another at the feeling.

Karlie pulls back to look at Taylor’s face once again, monitoring her expressions as she rubs circles around Taylor’s clit. The heightening of Taylor’s pleasure is being written onto her face with each stroke, and the sounds that come from the woman below her are driving Karlie crazy.

Karlie maneuvers herself so she’s fully between Taylor’s legs. She continues to work Taylor up and then suddenly slips two fingers inside of her. Taylor gasps and Karlie pauses. Taylor’s eyes open to meet Karlie’s, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion mixed with frustration.

“Is that okay?” Karlie asks.

Taylor nods.

“Yeah, please—” she gasps again as Karlie begins pumping in and out of her.

Taylor wraps her arms around Karlie’s shoulders and holds her close as she thrusts her hips upwards to meet Karlie’s movements. Her hand grasps onto the back of Karlie’s neck, as the model thrusts into her. Overwhelmed by the feeling, Taylor drops her forehead into the crook of Karlie’s neck, placing a gentle kiss to Karlie’s skin and then holding herself there as the model increases her pace.

Taylor’s breathing picks up and the feeling deep inside her abdomen begins to rise. A few final thrusts and Taylor climaxes, breath shaky, moaning into Karlie’s neck, holding onto her tight as she rides out her orgasm. As Taylor’s body begins to relax, she releases her hold on Karlie, arms coming down by her side. Karlie places soft kisses on Taylor’s cheeks and nose and forehead as she removes her hand from in-between her thighs.

Taylor looks up to Karlie.

“Hi,” Karlie says and Taylor giggles.

“Hi,” Taylor says.

“Are you—” Karlie begins but Taylor doesn’t let her finish before she’s flipping the model over and straddling her, “Oh.”

She leans down and grabs Karlie’s face and kisses her hard. “You,” she says with a kiss, “are very,” another kiss, “patient,” one more kiss. “And I appreciate that,” Taylor says with a smile and brush of her nose against Karlie’s, “but I’ll be damned if I make you wait any longer.”

Karlie’s eyes widen and she swallows as Taylor covers the model’s chest with kisses, swiping her tongue over each of Karlie’s nipples before kissing her way down past the woman’s belly button. She knows Karlie is incredibly turned on at this point and teasing her is the last thing she’d want to do to her right now, not after the ethereal experience she just gave to Taylor.

She makes her way between Karlie’s thighs, kissing along each thigh before hovering over Karlie’s glistening core. Karlie is more than ready for her and Taylor knows this will be quick. She glances upward toward the other blonde, meeting her eyes before diving in, swiping her tongue along the length of Karlie’s folds.

Karlie moans and grasps at the sheets, as Taylor repeats this motion one, two, three more times… before placing her mouth fully on the model’s center, encompassing her heat. The taller woman twitches above her and Taylor reaches a hand up to find Karlie’s. She intertwines their fingers to provide Karlie with some grounding, as she continues to move her tongue against her.

Taylor traces patterns along her folds and moves north, sucking on the bundle of nerves there. She feels Karlie’s hand tighten around hers as she licks downward and dips her tongue inside. It causes Karlie to moan and then… Taylor moans because the taste of Karlie is something she can’t believe she hadn’t had up until this moment. And so she thrusts in and out a few times to soak in the pleasure of it and to feel the velvety warmth of Karlie around her tongue.

Karlie’s legs begin to get shaky and she moves her tongue upward to focus on the woman’s clit, licking and sucking the sensitive nub. Using her other hand (that’s not being currently crushed by Karlie’s grip) she takes two fingers and thrusts them into Karlie, while she continues to work her tongue against the model. Karlie’s hips involuntarily drive upwards to meet Taylor’s face and Taylor pumps her fingers while sucking hard until Karlie falls apart.

Taylor removes her fingers and gently kisses her way back up, placing an especially long kiss onto Karlie’s rib cage, noting the heavy rise and fall of Karlie’s lungs working to regulate her breathing. Taylor lays down beside Karlie and nuzzles her head into the other woman’s chest, wrapping her arm around her, drawing circles with her finger along Karlie’s stomach while she waits for the other woman to come back down to earth.

Karlie is the first to speak.

“That was… unreal,” she says through a breathy laugh.

“Yeah,” Taylor says, “you are quite… something,” continuing to trace patterns on Karlie’s skin.

“You too,” Karlie replies, placing a kiss into Taylor’s hair.

They lay like that for a while, just taking in the experience. Eventually, Taylor adjusts her position slightly, leaning her head back to get a better look at Karlie.

“I know this is… new. But I just…” Taylor trails off with a sigh.

Karlie pauses brushing her fingers through Taylor’s hair. She draws a line with her finger from the top of Taylor’s forehead down to the tip of her nose. Then taps it twice, eliciting a small squint from Taylor’s eyes.

“It’s okay, say what you’re feeling.”

Karlie takes the same hand she’s been tracing Taylor’s features with and softly brushes it down along the singer’s arm until reaching her slim fingers and interlocking them with her own.

“Well, uh…” Taylor swallows, “the thought of you doing that with other girls really pisses me off.”

Karlie bursts into laughter.

Taylor’s face reddens, “Karlie,” she warns, “please don’t laugh at me.”

“Aww no, Tay.” Karlie squeezes the other blonde’s hand to provide her some reassurance, “You just really don’t need to be jealous of imaginary girls.”

Taylor huffs, frustrated.

“I just mean… I don’t want you to do that with other girls.”

Karlie smiles, “Hmm… I see. I don’t want you to do that with other girls either. How about this? Neither of us does that with other girls!”

“Or boys?”

“I don’t think you can do what we just did with most boys.”

“Karlie.”

Karlie smiles and places a kiss on Taylor’s forehead.

“Neither of us do this,” Karlie points between each other, “with other people.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s dooo it again then.”

Karlie smiles, “that’s my girl.”

Buzz.

The vibration of her phone, brings Taylor back to the moment.

She brushes away the new tears that have found their way down her cheeks, sighs, and stares down at her phone.

New Message
Karlie Fucking Kloss

She unlocks the phone to read the message.

Karlie
You okay, Tay?

Taylor
Honestly, no, not really.

Incoming Call
Karlie Fucking Kloss

“Hey.”

“Can you take them for 5 minutes? Thanks— Hey, Taylor?”

It’s the sound of Karlie’s voice. It’s the ‘them’, as in her two kids she has with someone else. It’s the fact she has them and is still finding a way to be there for her right now.

“Baby? Are you there? Are you okay?”

And it’s the pet name and the concern laced in Karlie’s voice that act as the final crack before the dam breaks and a waterfall of tears consumes her.

“Kar,” is all she manages to choke out.

“Oh, Taylor, no. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“Why is everything so hard?”

Karlie sighs on the other end of the line.

“Loaded question. What is it you’re struggling with most?”

“Just… the memories of everything.”

“Oh, you mean when you were a total nut and basically asked me to be your girlfriend twice?”

Taylor laughs.

“Hey, that’s not fair. I needed to know no one else was going to snatch you up.”

“I was already far gone at that point, Tay.”

Karlie’s walking down the street, gym clothes still on and coffee in hand, when she feels the buzz of her phone. She picks it up and is stoked to see who it is as she answers.

“Hi, Tay! Miss me, already?”

“Be my girlfriend?”

“What?” Karlie laughs.

“I know we basically said we’re exclusive, but I think I’m going to need a more specific label on that. Because I can’t stop thinking about you and how perfect this weekend was and how perfect you are. And I want to angrily crush a thousand beer cans on my head just thinking of someone else finding out how amazing you are and swooping in and snatching you up before I can lock it down. So, I don’t care if this is quick because I am absolutely starstruck by your humanity and I would really like for you to be my girlfriend,” Taylor scrambles out.

Karlie, ever so shocked and charmed, responds with humor to give herself just a second longer to collect her feelings. “Taylor…” she looks around to make sure no one is in earshot, “you already got me into bed, you don’t need to keep complimenting me.”

“Karlie, I’m serious. You’re incredible. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

“You know I only had to make a joke because I’m bright red right now. You are the absolute sweetest and you just made me feel so special and important. And I would love to be your girlfriend.”

“God, the way you say things.”

Karlie giggles, “What did I say??”

“It’s your Karnacular.”

“My what??”

“Your Karlie Kloss Vernacular. Your Karnacular! You talk in your own special cadence sometimes. Some might even say you put the wrong em-phass-iss on the wrong syll-abble.”

“Oh, shut up!” Karlie laughs, “Now I’m going to be self-conscious about it.”

“No, don’t be! It’s my favorite thing. It’s so cute. You’re so cute.”

“Well, you better think so. I am your girlfriend, after all.”

“‘My girlfriend, Karlie.’ I’ve died and gone to Heaven.”

“Hey! No going without me!”

“Never.”

They enjoy a moment of comfortable silence before Karlie breaks it.

“So, I gotta be honest. I definitely thought we were already girlfriends after our exclusive talk. Now I don’t know which date is our anniversary.”

“Well, it better be today, babe. I didn’t waste that mess of a ‘hey I really like you speech’ for nothing.”

Karlie giggles.

“Okay, then. Today, it is. I miss you, you goof.”

“I miss you, too.”

“We’re going to need to cross reference schedules because this long-distance thing is already making me sad.”

“About that…”

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking for a while now of getting a place in either New York City or London to keep as my main residence.”

“Oh my god. Taylor, you’re moving to New York??”

“Or London.”

“No, Taylor. You’re moving to New York! As your certified girlfriend, I have a say in this and London is out!”

“Hmm… okay. New York, it is. I’m moving to New York.”

“You just made my whole night.”

“And here I thought being my girlfriend would do it.”

“Oh, it sure helps. But now I’ll get to clean off your lipstick far more often.”

“You better help me find a good place in New York, then.”

“I’ll make sure of it.”

“You ever miss those days? The early ones? When we were just kids falling madly in love?” Taylor asks.

“Oh, all the time. Sometimes it feels like that was a whole other universe.”

“We were so… hopeful back then. How were we so sure of us?”

“I’d never been so sure of anything in my life.”

“I… me neither.”

They stay on the phone in silence for a minute, while Taylor wipes her tears and steadies her breath.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I… thanks, Karlie.”

“Well I feel bad because I did kind of cause it with that note.”

“It’s okay. Get back to your boys. You can send me the others.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Big Sur just…”

“I know. Me too.”

“Okay… just text me. And… thanks again.”

“Of course, Tay.”

Note 91.
February 27, 2023

I’ve been putting up Kode with Klossy flyers all around the city, even though it’s literally pouring rain. I wonder if you’ll find any of them. I may have posted a few in places we used to frequent. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll see them. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll remember how proud you used to be of me. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll finally pick up the phone and call me.

I keep thinking about how supportive you were when I first started brainstorming the idea.

“I’m gonna buy you a giant billboard… no, ten giant billboards… no, a hundred— a thousand billboards, Karlie!”

You were so determined to push all the funding, but I pushed back on you. I wanted to do this for myself. I needed to and once you understood that, you never mentioned it again… other than “covertly” (so obviously) dropping a question here or there alluding to how the financial aspect was going. Which always ended in an eyeroll from me.

“Alright, alright. Just making sure Wonder Woman has all she needs,” you’d say with a peck on the cheek.

The camps have been going well. You would love to see the looks on these kids’ faces when I walk in. “You’re like… really tall.” It’s always the smart ones that can’t seem to wrap their heads around it, as if their spatial awareness is way off.

It’s not… NOT awkward when they ask me what you’re like, though.

“She’s really smart,” (and a total smartass, to be honest).

“She’s really nice,” (unless she’s hungry, or angry, or being overdramatic).

“She’s really funny,” (she used to make me laugh so hard it hurt my stomach and now the memory of her makes me cry until I am physically ill).

“She’s a great friend,” (she was a great friend, a great girlfriend, and now the greatest haunting of my life).

“Can you give her this for me?” (sure, it’ll go in the box of things I’ve never been able to return to her).

The more I do, the less it seems real that you aren’t here next to me. I used to dream about the day you’d make a joke, “Need any money?” and I’d respond, “No, do you?”

Not that you ever would with the way your career continues to bloom… but it would’ve been nice for me to be able to treat you every once in a while.

We could’ve been quite the pair if we’d made it… if we’d fought harder for it.

The “Power Couple” that could’ve been.

Taylor
Kaylor: A feminist’s dream…

Karlie
…and a conservative’s nightmare.

Taylor
I’ll still buy you a billboard.

Karlie
I don’t want a billboard, Taylor.

Taylor
You buy me a billboard then, richy rich.

Karlie
Like you need anymore advertisement.

Taylor
Ugh, just wait.

Karlie
What does that mean? More games?

Taylor
Many games.

Karlie
Oh. So, now I get to see you every time my favorite team plays?

Taylor
Honestly, if you’d supported the Eagles you wouldn’t have this problem.

Karlie
Immediately no. Who said it was a problem?

Taylor
I don’t think you’re going to like me very much.

Karlie
I already don’t like you very much.

Taylor
Hey! Take that back. Not true.

Karlie
I love you, honey. But I don’t have to like you right now.

Taylor
How to Lose a Model in 10 days (Taylor’s version).

Karlie
Mmm… so, what’s going on?

Taylor
Just... selling my soul for business per usual.

Karlie
I see. You doin’ okay with all that?

Taylor
I’m fine. Well, I’ll be fine. But I know I’ll be pissing people off along the way.

Karlie
No one can stay mad at Taylor Swift for too long.

Taylor
You’d be surprised.

Karlie
Well… I’m here if you need me.

Taylor
Okay, what is the next note? I’m going to be there soon.

Karlie
One day I’ll get you to talk to me.

Taylor
One day I’ll be willing to. I’m just really crunched for time right now and can’t afford to be a COMPLETELY tear-stained mess today. It’s already not looking great.

Karlie
Understood. Here’s note number Nine Zero!

Note 90.
February 14, 2023

When I was young, Valentine’s Day was about being spoiled with chocolates and lovey dovey cards from Mom and flowers from Dad, who would come in with each bouquet behind his back and dance around as he handed them to each one of us.

“Five beautiful bouquets for my five beautiful ladies,” he’d say. Mom always got the biggest bouquet. Kristine used to get jealous, but he’d tell her to put in more years of tolerating him and he’d consider getting her a bigger one. When her first high school boyfriend broke up with her two weeks before Valentine’s Day, he bought her a giant potted bouquet of flowers when the holiday came around. She cried and ran up to her room. Then he slipped me a 5-dollar bill and told me to go “work [my] magic” and cheer her up. I told her she had to come downstairs because Kariann told Kimby the dirt in the flowerpot was chocolate and she was eating it. She ran downstairs so fast after that and the best part was, Kimby had chocolate all over her face because it was the ONE year Mom had let her have a double chocolate chip heart-shaped pancake for breakfast. Kristine freaked out and told her that potted dirt wasn’t for eating and to stay away from her flowers and Dad burst out laughing. I shrugged when he looked at me and he slipped me another 5 on the way out the door. “Good work, goober” he had said with a pat on the back before he was off to work.

Mom would always take us to the store together to get our valentines to pass out to our class. Well, Kristine was usually pestering her to buy her an NSYNC poster or a Teen Beat magazine while I helped the twins find their picks. But I always loved buying the coolest themed valentines to give out in school.  We’d get to pick out one candy to tape onto our valentines, too. I always told Kariann to get the Kit Kats since we called her KK. But also because I’d sneak a few from her and hide them in my room for a late night snack. Until Kimby caught me and told Mom! Butthead.

I used to be so picky about who would get each valentine. Kristine made fun of me every year because I always gave the best one to Brooke Bennington, and spent extra time writing her name perfectly.

“Do you have a crush on her or something??” She was so rude. But… looking back, probably.

This year, I’ve made an effort to make Levi know he’s my valentine. I’ve spoiled him rotten. Although, taking on the role of the one who spoils, rather than gets spoiled has been a learning curve the last few years.

I know it’s just a Hallmark holiday, but you always had a way of making holidays big and glamorous just like my parents did. I love Levi so much—he fills my heart, so being with him today is considerably perfect.. but this is the fourth year without my forever valentine.

Four years without you playing footsie with me under the table in the back of the restaurant. Four years without you getting me drunk on red wine and that devilish smile of yours. Four years without your lips on my neck immediately as we stumbled through the doorway—you always were such a rascal after a romantic evening.

Four years, Taylor. Four years and I still miss you. I miss you every day, Lover.

Taylor
What is Brooke Bennington’s address and Social Security Number? Asking for a friend.

Karlie
No, you can’t have my childhood crush taken out, Taylor. You’re a musician, not a CIA Agent.

Taylor
I’ll get her one day.

Karlie
You’d just love to add “Assassin” to the resume.

Taylor
Maybe I already have. When’s the last time you heard from Toni?

Karlie
You’re ridiculous. We don’t need to bring murder into our already complicated equation.

Taylor
I don’t know… your husband’s still kicking.

Karlie
Really thought Este’s sister would’ve taken care of that by now.

Taylor
Karlie Kloss! You rebel! Are you trying to be the Bonnie to my Clyde? Let’s split town and take on a life of crime. If you also have your husband’s name tattooed on your thigh though, I have an ex who could give you some tattoo removal recs before we go.

Karlie
“Dear Dianna, where did you get the Alice in Wonderland tattoo removed? Thinking of removing my husband’s name (in this fictional story) to run away with the bitch that caused you to remove it. Thanks, Friend! Tell Derek ’Hi!’ Xoxo Bonnie”

Taylor
Did. You. Just. Call. Me. A. Bitch? Go back to Roy! I’ve got people to rob.

Karlie
Is it robbery if they willingly buy all 384 vinyl versions??

Taylor
You’ve won this round, Bonnie. You’ve won this round.

Karlie
My dad would be so proud.

Taylor
I didn’t know he gave you flowers every year, by the way. That’s really sweet. Definitely sounds like something he would do.

Karlie
Yeah, he’s the best.

Taylor
And… I’ve missed you too, but I can’t say the other word. It’s hard enough to sing the song every night of tour. I’ve had to really disconnect from it and try and make it fan-focused.

Karlie
Yeah… I don’t know how you get through a lot of them, to be honest.

Taylor
Trained professional bullshitter, I guess.

Karlie
Can’t exactly argue there.

Taylor
Remember that year you made that Valentine’s Day video?

Karlie
Yeah, that one really flew under the radar haha.

Taylor
I know. The staring contest! I can’t believe you did that. And you didn’t tell me until dinner that night.

Karlie
Well, I had to make sure I got you in a good mood.

Taylor
Well, that red top certainly did the trick.

Karlie
See? You’re not the only mastermind…

Taylor
I’m not debunking that, but you ARE also just really hot, so…

Karlie
You don’t say…

Taylor
Alright, next note before it goes to your head.

Karlie
Never! I’m humble as pie.

Taylor
No you’re not. But you have the credentials to be cocky, so it’s okay.

Karlie
Hey! I’m lovely.

Taylor
Exactly.

Karlie
:) Okay. Last one for today! And look at that, ending on 89.

Note 89.
February 8, 2023

Today, I made a video with Ashley about the changes that come along with parenting. Levi had fun.

It’s nice to relate to other moms. But, I can’t help thinking I’d be able to talk to you about all these things if you were still here. Maybe the physical changes would be harder for you to understand, but I just know you would’ve really listened to me. I know you would’ve been empathetic. I know you would’ve been obnoxiously over-loving towards me about all of it.

And so yeah, it was great to connect with her. But it’s just one more thing I had to do without you.

Taylor
I want so badly to be able to say, “Let me be that person for you now,” but Karlie… I just can’t. Not yet, at least. My head is just… I don’t have the space right now. ALL of this is a lot. I’m trying to understand it. And that part is… especially hard for me.

Karlie
Taylor, take a breath. I know. I’m not asking you to do that, but I appreciate it.

Taylor
But I’m mad that I can’t be. I’m mad that we’re here.

Karlie
I think there are a million reasons to be mad, and sad, and every other emotion. But try not to get hung up on that. Because yeah, we are here. And right now, “here” is us actually speaking to one another, Tay. After years of radio silence. Can you believe that?

Taylor
That’s… a good point.

Karlie
Sure makes “here” a lot better than about a week ago, hmm?

Taylor
But a week ago I was evading all emotions like the healthy adult I am!

Karlie
Heaven forbid the woman who wrote “All Too Well (10-minute version)” expresses emotions.

Taylor
She was young and naïve! She’s learned.

Karlie
Ask folklore and evermore that.

Taylor
How dare you bring them into this. We don’t talk about those ladies.

Karlie
You must make amends with your sisters, Taylor!

Taylor
Which ones?? Kimby? She loves me. I totally won her in the divorce. She calls me every Thursday requesting sibling adoption.

Karlie
You stop it. Or Austin is mine.

Taylor
BABY BROTHER! NOOOOOO!

Karlie
All is fair in love and war, baby.

Taylor feels the SUV come to a halt, before hearing her security get out and close their doors. She sends another text before gathering her things.

Taylor
All right, I surrender. But only because I need to go.

Karlie
Okay, goodbyeee. And HAPPY HALLOWEEN!?

Taylor
Ugh, fine! Happy Halloween. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. And Karlie… I’m glad this “here” has you in it.

Karlie
Me too. Go kill it, popstar.

Taylor’s door opens and she throws her phone into her bag. She climbs out of the vehicle feeling far more prepared to take on the day than she felt just 45 minutes prior.

Chapter Text

November 1, 2023

Incoming call
Tree Paine  

Taylor sighs as she readies herself for whatever could be on the other line for this time of day. She’s only two coffees in but thank God she’s already that far. She finishes chewing the last bite of her avocado toast, swallows it, and takes a breath before picking up the phone.

“Hey, Tree.” She speaks calmly, taking a sip of her coffee, awaiting the storm.

“What the fuck is Karlie doing?”

“I’m sorry?” Taylor asks, confused. She’s unsure how Karlie could, for any reason, be the first topic of conversation today.

“Whatever game this is you two are playing, you need to stop now.”

Taylor has no idea where her publicist is going with this. And now she has a surge of anxiety that flows through her, the sudden thought that maybe her private conversations with Karlie haven’t been that private. Has someone been eavesdropping on them?

“Tree, I literally have no idea what you’re talking about,” Taylor says, sternly. She’s preparing herself for defense. And prepared to fire whoever the hell it is that could be a leak.

“So, you didn’t know she was going to dress as Dorothy??”

It completely throws Taylor off. Dorothy? It dawns on her that Halloween was last night and she sighs in relief. Their secret is safe for now.

“What? Wow.” Taylor laughs, “I mean she has kids though, so maybe it was a theme?”

The redhead on the other line barely let’s her finish before she’s rebutting, “Taylor, the kids are dressed as a dinosaur and Mickey Mouse.”

“Stop.” There’s no way she’s serious.

“I’m dead serious.”

“She did NOT.” There’s no way.

“She did.”

Taylor takes a second to digest the information and then busts out laughing.

“Taylor!”

“I’m sorry, Tree,” Taylor keeps laughing, “but that’s fucking insane.”

“Ugh, look…”

Buzz.

Taylor pulls the phone away from her ear to take a look at what Tree sent: a photo of Karlie smiling brightly with her two boys… indeed, dressed as Dorothy.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah. So, what the hell is going on? You told me you’d give me updates if anything changed.”

Taylor sighs.

“Tree… I had nothing to do with this.” She really didn’t.

“Well… it has you written all over it.”

Taylor smiles.

“Yeah, it does… kind of proud of her for that one.”

“Taylor. I need you to tell her to stop. Your fans are going nuts.”

“Bad?”

“The usual. Lingering Kaylors are losing it. The rest are claiming it’s for clout.”

Taylor sighs and pushes her empty breakfast plate forward, puts her elbow on the table and drops her forehead into her hand.

“God, I hate when they do that to her.”

“I know. That’s why I’m going to need you to talk to her or else I’ll have to. It’s not just to protect you.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“Let me know if she wants to set up a time to chat with me.”

“Sure, Tree.”

“Taylor.”

“Tree, please just let me talk to her first. You’re going to run her off.”

It’s silent for a moment.

“Taylor… run her off from what?”

“Tree, please don’t do this. I will talk to her. If anything like this happens again, you can set up a meeting with her.”

Taylor bites on her thumbnail awaiting the response from her publicist.

“Fine,” Tree finally says and Taylor’s shoulders drop from the tense position she didn’t realize she was holding, “but I’ll say it again, Taylor. Please be careful.”

“I will. Thanks, Tree.”

“I’ll see you in a few hours, honey.’

“Bye, Tree.”

With that, Taylor hangs up and slams her head against the table. What has she gotten herself into?

She takes a few more minutes to herself, sipping her morning brew and looking over the photo Tree had sent her, zooming in on the brunette’s face and softly braided hair. Still as gorgeous as the day I met her. She shakes away the thought and opens up her messages, finding the main culprit of this egregious offense.

Taylor
You’re so dead, Dorothy. Do you have a second to talk?

Karlie
Yikes. That bad?

She barely gets a second to read the text before her phone starts buzzing again.

Incoming call
Karlie Fucking Kloss

“Hello, you trouble starter.”

“How is Tree planning to do it? Poison? Overdose? Convenient car accident? How can I prepare??”

Taylor laughs.

“Karlie… what the hell were you thinking?”

Karlie sighs.

“I wanted to make you laugh. You seemed so down the past few days. Plus, I know there are still a few fans out there who’ve been takin’ as many shots as I have from your evil minions.”

“And that’s all?”

“Maybe I wanted them to know I’m trying to get you back.”

“Karlie.”

“What?”

“That’s not… that’s… wait, is that what this is?”

“Well, no. I want you back in my life one way or another. But if I happen to get you into bed along the way...”

“Jesus, Karlie.”

Taylor’s frustration is now ringing through.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I just wanted to signal you, okay? Remind you everything is going to be okay, however it may be.”

“You could’ve just texted me.”

“That’s so not grand-gesture-y enough for my liking.”

“You’re going to need to be more careful going forward, okay? My fans are not always… receptive.”

“What!? No way.”

“Karlie, I’m serious. Especially, if we are working back toward a friendship. I don’t need them to have any additional ammo for you.”

“I… okay.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.”

Taylor can feel the drop in Karlie’s mood. Fast and heavy. She’s not sure what caused it. The slap on the wrist? The choice of the word “friendship”?

It’s awkwardly silent for a moment, not the usually comfortable silence that always comes with Karlie.

“You looked really fucking cute, though,” Taylor attempts to bring her Karlie back to life.

“Thanks. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll text you later.”

“Kar—“

“Bye, Taylor.”

Taylor’s heart drops. She’s torn between re-dialing the other woman to demand she talks it out with her and respecting the model’s boundaries by allowing Karlie some time to cool off. She feels heightened anxiety at the mere thought that she might not hear from her again.

What if we don’t talk later?

What if that’s it? What if she leaves again?

No, Taylor reminds herself, we’re not those people anymore. They will talk later. Karlie just needs time. So, she’ll give her that.

And she does give her time throughout her meetings with Tree and Travis’s team (as she bounces her leg up and down, constantly touching her phone screen to see if she missed anything).

She gives her time through rehearsals (ignoring the looks when she runs to her phone during breaks to see if the name of her favorite person will pop up).

But by the time she hits the studio with Jack, she’s getting nervous. She takes out her phone and messages Karlie before they get started.

Taylor
Kar?

She immediately gets a buzz in response. Meaning, the brunette is not NOT available right now to text… and it kind of hurts Taylor’s feelings.

Karlie
What’s up?

Taylor
Haven’t heard from you. You okay?

Karlie
Yeah, I’m fine.

She’s still being short and it’s making Taylor more anxious as she stares at the phone, considering what to say to make the other woman talk to her.

Taylor
Are we okay? No notes today?

Karlie
We’re fine. I’m just busy. Here, I’ll just send them. Don’t think I can talk anymore today, though.

And when Taylor gets bombarded with five new messages, she’s both excited and nervous.

She doesn’t want to talk through them with me?

She texts back.

Taylor
Okay, I’ll read through them, then.

“Jack, I’m going to need a few more minutes,” she says, looking down at her phone.

“Oh sweet because I’m starving. Can I run and get us some grub?”

“Sure," Taylor says, without looking up.

“You want anything in particular?” he asks.

“Whatever you want is fine,” she says, biting onto her fingernail.

Jack stands there for a moment and Taylor finally looks up when she feels his stare lingering.

“What?” she asks.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“I’m fine, I just need to catch up on something. Go! Get food. Should be ready by the time you get back.”

“Okay…” he says, and grabs his jacket before heading out the studio door.

Taylor scrolls up to the first note, takes a long breath, and begins reading.

Note 88.
January 19, 2023

I woke up in Paris.

I love Paris. You love Paris. We love Paris.

As we used to say, “Paris is Paris.”

There’s no way to really describe it. It just is. And when you’re in love and in Paris it’s something entirely greater.

I’ll never forget our times in Paris. We will always have those memories.

And there will always be, the tower at midnight, my love.

“Baby! This is amazing!”

“I know!” Taylor says with a shriek, “just wait. Come here, come here!”

Taylor grabs Karlie by the wrist and drags her across the penthouse suite to the opened doors that lead into the master bedroom.

“Oh my god, it’s huge!” Karlie laughs.

She pauses and turns to face Karlie.  

“Okay, hold on. You have to close your eyes.”

Karlie rolls her eyes with a smile, “Okayyy, Taylor.”

She closes her eyes and lets Taylor guide her into the bedroom.

“No peeking, Karlie!”

“I’m not!” Karlie giggles, as Taylor takes her hand and pulls her across the expansive room.

“Hold on. Don’t open your eyes yet.”

Taylor stops moving and adjusts Karlie to face a certain direction.

“Keep ‘em closed, Kloss.”

“I’ve done nothing!”

“Mmhmm I don’t trust you. Just one second.”

Karlie hears Taylor making a ruckus somewhere in front of her.

“Just one more moment,” Taylor says, and Karlie can hear her padding across the room.

“Taylorrrr. What are you doing?”

“Hold on!” Taylor shouts from the other side of the room.

“Not yet,” Taylor says, voice now closer to Karlie.

“Oh my god, Taylor!” Karlie sighs and Taylor giggles as she wraps an arm around Karlie’s waist and guides her to take a few more steps forward.

She releases her hold on Karlie and steps back.

“Don’t turn around, okay? But you can open your eyes.”

Karlie gasps at the view in front of her. She’s been to Paris dozens of times, but never has she seen such a landscape of the beloved city from her own room.

“Taylor…” before Karlie can continue any further, Taylor’s hands are in front of her, something shiny being placed around her neck, “Wait, what’s this?? Oh my god.”

“Can you lift your hair for me?” Taylor whispers from behind.

Karlie does so and Taylor clasps the necklace at the back of the model’s neck. She places a soft kiss just below where it rests, “Okay, there.”

Karlie takes a look at the diamond-studded necklace that now lay at her chest and turns around to face Taylor.

“It’s beautiful! What is it for, though?”

Taylor smiles. “Well, when we go to this party tonight, I know you’ll shine as bright as that tower will at midnight,” she nods her head over Karlie’s shoulder to the magnificent structure that lay in the center background of their balcony’s large arched doorway,” but I wanted to give you an extra little bling because you’re my own extra shiny tower,” she says with a shrug.

Karlie laughs at that.

“You’re so freaking cute,” she says, “thank you.”

Karlie wraps her arms around Taylor’s neck and kisses her.

Taylor smiles into her lips before breaking away and spinning Karlie around to wrap her arms around the taller woman from behind. She kisses her on the shoulder before resting her chin there.  

“This view is insane, Tay.”

“Only the best for my girl.”  

They sway lightly back and forth for a few minutes, just taking in the moment.  

“Now tonight, we get to wear fancy dresses and drink champagne and dance the night away. But when we get back…” Taylor unwraps her arms from Karlie’s waist and slides them down Karlie’s sides, teasing them along the hem of Karlie’s shirt, brushing the skin lightly underneath, “I expect to make full use of that bed, my lady.”  

Karlie’s stomach tightens at the touch and she drops her head back against Taylor’s shoulder.  

“Mmm. Noted.”

And it was a night of fancy clothes and dancing and bubbly… and more bubbly. And it ended in them giggling as they burst through the door of the penthouse suite.

“No, no, we’re fine, Jeremy! We’re so fine. Aren’t we so fine? Look how fine we are.” Taylor says, face serious, hands on her hips, trying to stand up straight, but very wobbly.

Karlie bursts out laughing as she stumbles around, removing her heels.

“Dammit, Karlie!” Taylor laughs, “Ohh take mine,” Taylor says leaning on the entryway table and lifting her leg up to poke at Karlie.

“I got it, I got it!” Karlie says as she struggles to unhook the strap of Taylor’s shoe.

“Ladies, we’ll be right out here if you need us,” Jeremy says.

“Thank you, now shoo!” Taylor says, with a wave of a hand and a smile.

“SHOE!” Karlie repeats, pulling off Taylor’s heel and pointing to it enthusiastically.

Jeremy shakes his head and closes the door behind him, leaving the girls to themselves.

“Now, the other one!” Taylor demands playfully, balancing on a now flat foot.

“Not even a ‘please’??” Karlie asks, starting to unhook the other heel.

“Pleeease and thank you, babycakes,” the singer responds with a wink and a finger gun.

“You’re such a dork… Aha!” Karlie removes Taylor’s other shoe and throws it aside, “FEET FREEDOM!”

Taylor gasps, “I LOVE FEET FREEDOM!”

“Me too!” Karlie says, shaking each foot out in front of her, before pausing. “You know what else I love?”

“Meee??” Taylor asks.

“Oh! Yes, but I was going to say french fries,” Karlie grimaces.

Taylor gasps again, “FREEDOM FRIES!” she twirls her finger in a circular motion, then points it toward the master bedroom, “TO THE ROOM SERVICE MENU!”

After changing out of their dresses and into two of Karlie’s oversized tees, and the tall model ensuring both women were well hydrated, the two sat cross legged on the bed, enjoying a large plate of french fries.

“You’d never let me eat fries in bed at home,” Karlie says.

Taylor pauses mid-fry to reflect on what Karlie has said.

“Should I put a stop to this??”

“Noooo let me have my fry beds. They make me so happy.”

Taylor’s eyes widen and a huge smile forms on her face, “Fry beds!? You mean bed fries?”

“Okay, English major.”

“Karlie, do you think you love me or fries more?” Taylor says as she finishes the rest of her fry.

“Baby, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”

“Karlie!” Taylor responds in shock and pushes Karlie by the shoulder, “You are so mean to me.”

“You are so overdramatic.”

“No more fries for you!” Taylor takes the tray off the bed and moves it back to the cart it rolled in on.

“Hey! That’s so unfair. Such a short-lived love affair,” Karlie says with a pout.

“Now who’s overdramatic,” Taylor replies as she crawls back into bed and straddles Karlie, wrapping her arms around the taller woman’s neck.

“I miss my fries,” Karlie continues to pout.

“Wow. Fries over sex, then?”

Karlie’s eyebrows shoot up, “Oh, okay, I’ll shut up. Sex is fine.”

“Sex is FINE!?”

“Sex is good. Sex is very good.” Karlie overemphasizes her point with a hard nod.

“No hands, though.”

“What??”

“YOU HAVE FRY HANDS!”

“I do have fry hands…” Karlie wipes them on Taylor’s shirt.

“Karlie, ew!”

“It’s MY shirt.”

“I’M WEARING IT.”

“Not for long.”

Taylor smiles and gives Karlie a sweet kiss on the lips, before placing her forehead against the other woman’s.

“Can we wash our hands, Kar?”

Karlie throws her head back laughing, “Of course.”

Taylor jumps off the bed and grabs the handle of the food cart, running it out of the room.

“What are you doing?” Karlie shouts after her.

“No fry-smelling sex,” Taylor shouts back.

“These fries are really putting a damper on the night.”

“Should’ve thought twice about cheating on me with them!”

Karlie meets Taylor in the bathroom to wash their hands and faces and to brush their teeth.

“You know you’re getting old when you take the care to prep for sex,” Karlie says as she finishes up.

“We are so young. We are just smart and hygienic.” Taylor responds, as she throws her toothbrush down and wipes her face on a towel, smiling widely at Karlie to show off her fresh, clean teeth.

Karlie giggles, “Oh… come here, you goof,” she says with outstretched arms.

Taylor walks into Karlie’s arms and snuggles into her as Karlie embraces her in a huge hug.

“I love you, Taylor. Thanks for tonight. It’s been so fun,” the model says with a kiss to Taylor’s temple.

“I love you too, Kar,” Taylor mumbles as she rubs her face into Karlie’s shirt.

Karlie lifts Taylor’s chin up so the smaller woman is looking up to her.

“How much?”

“To infinity… and beyond!” Taylor says.

Karlie giggles and presses her lips against Taylor’s.

“I can accept that,” she whispers back onto Taylor’s lips as the smaller woman wraps arms around her neck and leans in for a deeper kiss.

They stumble their way back into the bedroom and onto the bed, lips never breaking for too long.

Karlie barely gets her own shirt removed before Taylor flips her to straddle her.

Taylor takes off her top before kissing Karlie hard and grinding down against the woman. Karlie’s hands get antsy and make their way down to Taylor’s panties, playing with the top line and beginning to dip her fingers under the fabric, but Taylor grabs her hand, pushes it away and pulls her lips back from Karlie’s.

“No hands!” Taylor says.

Karlie looks up at the woman straddling her, confusion written on her face, “What? But—”

“No. Hands.” Taylor repeats and grinds down into Karlie once again.

“Oh—OHHH,” Karlie’s eyes widen with a look of further realization, to which Taylor giggles.

Taylor gets off Karlie and off the bed, pulls down her undergarments and quickly grabs at Karlie’s to pull them off quickly before crawling back on top of her.

She kisses Karlie passionately, lips wanting and tongue searching with desire, legs tangled together aching for more.

“I want to be close to you. I want to feel you. Against me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, baby.”

Their lips meet again as Karlie sits up and helps Taylor adjust herself until Taylor’s straddling Karlie’s left thigh.

Karlie hums against Taylor’s lips at the feeling of the singer’s slick warmth. Taylor smiles against Karlie’s lips and bucks her hips against the taller woman’s thigh to taunt her.

“Fuck,” Karlie sighs into Taylor’s mouth, “Now you’re the one being mean.”

Taylor giggles, grabs Karlie’s cheeks, and kisses Karlie hard. The tall model responds by wrapping her arms tightly around Taylor’s waist.

“I love you, my long-legged beauty.”

“I know. But could you, like, help a girl out already?”

Taylor laughs again. She kisses Karlie once more before adjusting herself so she’s hovering over Karlie’s left leg. She pulls Karlie’s already bent right leg up with her hand and pushes it outward before realigning her hips and dropping herself to meet Karlie’s core.

Karlie sighs, and Taylor moans as she places her other hand where Karlie’s neck meets her shoulder for leverage, as she pulls them closer to one another.

Chest to chest, center to center, a bit diagonally together; they rut against one another, lips meeting haphazardly between thrusts as Taylor takes control of their position and Karlie holds onto her hips tightly, not wanting an inch of space between them if she can help it.

“Fuck, you feel good, babe,” Taylor says hotly against Karlie’s lips.

“Mmm,” is all the response she gets from Karlie as the model increases her hips’ movement against the other blonde.

Lips pop against one another’s, continuing to battle; tongues get desperate, begging for more; breaths become heavy and needy; and the sound of their movements against one another echoes throughout the room.

Taylor’s neck begins to flush as she undulates against Karlie.

“I think—” she breathes out as she breaks away from Karlie’s lips.

“Hmm?” Karlie insinuates for Taylor to continue, eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of closeness to her lover.

“I think I’m about to—I’m gonna—”

“Fuck.” Karlie shutters slightly, “Fuck—Me too, babe.”

Taylor begins falling first but Karlie is right behind her and they ignore the sparkling they see in their peripherals as they come together, riding against one another, until they’re both fully down from their orgasms.

Taylor adjusts herself once again, until she’s wrapping both legs around Karlie’s waist and leaning her forehead against the taller woman.

“Oh my god,” Taylor says.

“I know!” Karlie says, breathily.

“No, Karlie, look!” Taylor says with a laugh pointing out the window.

Karlie looks to her right to see the Eiffel Tower lighting up in sparkles.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Karlie bursts out laughing.

“That’s what that bright light was. I thought I was just having an out of body experience!” Taylor says continuing to laugh.

“Me too, I was like, ‘If I pass out it’s totally worth it’.”

Taylor giggles.  

“Wow, babe. We really just struck midnight together, didn’t we?”

“Kind of feeling like the Eiffel Tower needs to mind its business. Trying to third wheel with me and my girl.” Karlie grabs onto Taylor and flips her over, kissing her tenderly.

“Right? Like, get a room, Eiff-ie. You and the fries can have your own affair.”

“Ohh, those fries would be good right now.”

“Karlie!”

“I’m just kidding…” she kisses Taylor again, “but you’re buying me more tomorrow.”

Taylor rolls her eyes.

“We’re in Paris, and all you want is french fries.”

“That’s not true. They gotta have ketchup, too.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“Okay, Bullshit McGee. You’re soooo in love with me.”

“Hmmm.”

“Aren’t you??”

“Sooo in love that I might stop breathing.”

“No, DON’T! I need to take a CPR class first.”

Taylor giggles and pulls Karlie down for a kiss.

“This is it, isn’t it?” Taylor asks.

Karlie squints as she looks down into Taylor’s eyes, “What do you mean?”

“You’re the love of my life, aren’t you? This is it, right? Like forever?”

Karlie’s face softens, “Oh my god, definitely. You better not break up with me or I’ll beat you up,” Karlie says and begins tickling the woman underneath her.

“Karlie! Stop!” Taylor says through fits of giggles.

“Say you’ll never leave me!”

“I won’t! I won’t! I promise.”

Karlie halts her attack on the other woman and places multiple kisses along her neck, “Phew. Good to hear. That could’ve been a war.”

“Karlieeeee?”

“Yeah?” the taller woman says looking upon Taylor’s face again.

“Can we please go to sleep? I’m going to start getting a hangover soon.”

Karlie laughs, “Whatever you want, love of my life.”

They adjust themselves and slip under the covers. Taylor snuggles into Karlie.

She suddenly lets out a gasp, “Karlie! The drapes!”

“Right,” Karlie grabs the remote next to the bed and clicks the button to close the drapes. “We don’t want that pervy tower creeping on us while we sleep, too.”

Taylor laughs. “You’re so silly,” she whispers against Karlie’s chest a few minutes later, before drifting off to sleep.

Taylor considers all their times in Paris together, how it felt like a home away from home. Just a little bit more privacy than back home. And how much of a difference that little bit more made for them.

She thinks about being in love in Paris— being present in Paris with the love of her life.

How can I be with anyone else when I know it will always be her?

She’s used to the tears that come with these notes by now. Mostly due to the memories they always trigger. She never broke her promise though. She didn’t leave. Karlie did.

Note 87.
January 1, 2023

The song New Year’s Day has become such a haunting one for me. And yet I can’t escape it on this day. Ever.

Because it was almost everything.

“I want her midnights.”

It lingers in the air. We were so close.

“I want her midnights.”

Twice.

You couldn’t make it any clearer. It was happening. We were so close. We were so fucking close, Taylor

You wanted my midnights. And even though you had so many of them, you wanted New Year’s Eve and I could never give it to you. Because I always had to be with him.

And you wanted to change that. We were ready to start changing it all.

And you told them. You told them all.

“I want her midnights.”

And no one listened.

And then everything changed. Again. And all was lost. And I felt shellshocked.

Because you got wind of the steal. And I got sent to the back of the line. Again. Everything would have to wait. Again.

It felt like my future was ripped away from me the moment your past was ripped away from you.

And I lost you. Because I couldn’t get to you. I couldn’t get you to see what else mattered.

I understood, but I didn’t. Because it hurt me. It hurt me constantly that I didn’t even feel tied alongside your career; I felt second to it when we were in such a pivotal moment for us.

We were supposed to be talking about marriage and family and you wanted to table all of it. As if it wasn’t a priority. As if being with me wasn’t as important as your anger and your heartbreak over your music. That part I got. But I was there, Taylor. I wanted to help you heal through it. I thought we were in it together.

So, I supported you until you faded too far from me. And I couldn’t wait for you to find the light anymore. I couldn’t wait for you to find the space for me.

And I made a choice to leave. Because you only respond to drastic measures. And I thought you’d get it. I thought you’d call. But you never called.

And so you lost your music.

And then I lost you.

And then you lost all my midnights.

Taylor jolts awake and is immediately hit with a wave of nausea. She runs to the bathroom and instantly regrets all choices made the previous night as she gets sick multiple times.

A flush of the toilet and her head hanging over it, waiting to make sure nothing else is coming up when she hears the padding of footsteps in the bathroom.

Hands are in her hair, pulling lingering strands off her face and gathering them into a small ponytail. A cool washcloth is placed along the back of her neck and the initial placement of it chills her, but when a hand begins rubbing circles on her back and a warm presence takes place next to her, she begins to feel relief.

“Kar…” she grumbles.

“I know, baby. I’m here.”

“When am I gonna learn?”

“You really gotta stop takin’ shots after midnight,” Karlie says with a soft laugh.

“How did you know!?” Taylor says in surprise, pulling her head from the toilet to look at her girlfriend.

“Taylor, you called me.” Karlie says with a giggle.

“Oh right…” Taylor replies, as the memory of last night returns to her, “Well, that’s because I missed you! It’s not fair we don’t get to spend New Year’s Eve together,” she continues with a pout.

Karlie reaches out and caresses Taylor’s forearm.

“I know, baby. But I’m here now.”

“When did you get in?”

“I took the first flight this morning. I’ve been cleaning up your mess downstairs, you party animal.”

The model smirks as realization hits Taylor.

“Shit, Kar. Don’t do that. I’m sorry. Please don’t clean up. I’ll do it.”

“Your mess is my mess, babe. I do live here, after all.”

Taylor groans and places two fingers at the bridge of her nose.

“Here, take this,” Karlie says as she undoes a bottle of ibuprofen and pours out two pills, and hands them over to Taylor with a glass of water.

“Thanks,” Taylor says and then winces through swallowing them.

“Did you have fun, at least?”

“It was fine. But I missed you so much last night,” Taylor sighs, leaning her body into Karlie’s and resting her head on the taller woman’s shoulder.

Karlie wraps an arm around Taylor and gives her a light kiss on her forehead.

“I know. I missed you too. But hey, at least I’m here to clean up bottles with you on New Year’s Day! Could’ve left you to do that all by yourself. Forced you to pay for your sins.”

“Promise you’ll always be here to clean up bottles with me, at least?” Taylor asks, looking up, tears in her eyes.

“Oh baby, I promise. I’ll fly across the ocean to take care of your hungover ass,” Karlie says and wipes the stray tears that have made their way down Taylor’s face.

“I’m always going to want you at midnight, though,” Taylor sighs.

“You’ll always have me at midnight, even if I’m far away.”

Taylor turns her head and rubs her forehead into Karlie’s shirt.

“I love you, Kar. Thanks for not being mad at me for being a drunk idiot.”

“I love you, too. Thanks for not being mad at me for being with my boyfriend.”

Taylor pulls back and shoves Karlie playfully, “Kar, what the fuck!?” she says as she laughs, “that’s not funny.”

“The truth ain’t always funny, baby,” Karlie deadpans.

“Oh, shut up,” Taylor says, rolling her eyes in return.

“I’m glad to be home,” Karlie says with a smile and she boops Taylor on the nose, “now clean yourself up and get downstairs. I left the pool room for you. It looks like a frat house in there and someone was definitely hotboxing, so you’re going to need to air that out.”

Taylor groans, “Fucking Jack.”

“Yeah. Might kill that man.”

Karlie hops to her feet, “Come on, get up! I’ll make you some coffee but you need to drink at least two full glasses of water first.”

“Coffeeee,” Taylor says as she holds her hands out for Karlie to help her up.

“Two. Full. Glasses. Of. Water.” Karlie stares down at her, making no moves to help her up.

“Fine.”

Karlie smiles and grabs Taylor by the hands to help her to her feet, “That’s my girl.”

Karlie begins walking out the door, but Taylor stops her.

“Hey, Kar?”

“Yeah?” Karlie says and turns to look toward Taylor. Taylor takes a moment to appreciate the woman she gets to call home.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

Karlie laughs.

“You too, babe. I’m not going to lie though, you’ve definitely looked better,” she replies and sticks out her tongue.

“I take it back. You’re an ass.”

“Takes one to know one. Is that alllll, my precious, hungover angel?”

“Oh, no. I wanted to ask. I’m gonna hop in the shower but do you think you could leave my notebook out for me? I need to write something down.”

Karlie lifts an eyebrow, “This song better not be about you vomiting tequila shots.”

“Karlie.”

“You got it, babe. Loooove you,” she says with squinty eyes and she blows Taylor a kiss, then walks out the door.

“You have no idea…” Taylor says as she turns the faucet on.

Taylor grips at her shirt as she thinks back to the number of New Year’s Days they spent together, making up for lost time from the nights before.

But the memory of that performance leaves a lump in her throat, so painful it’s as if she’s been corked like a wine bottle. Ironic, how truthful that is. Being forced to shut up to put things back into their rightful places.

Note 86.
December 13, 2022

Happy Birthday, Baby. I wish I was with you to celebrate. I always wish I was with you.

But I also wish you a wonderful year filled with happiness.

I wish I had been able to give you that.

I wish being with me could’ve been enough.

I wish we hadn’t lost our happiness in the end.

Taylor feels the weight of the short note. The weight of the meaning behind Karlie’s emphasis of “happiness.”

And she’s kind of upset that Karlie is leaving her to take in these notes right now without her. Because this one triggers more than one memory, but she knows where it really started to get bad.

(September 2019)

“Are you not happy?”

“Not when you keep asking me about this!” Taylor responds, gruffly, throwing her phone onto the counter.

“But Taylor, you promised. You said we’d be out by now, that we’d be wedding planning by fall, and working with Tree on my exit from Josh. It’s September, Taylor!” Karlie says, with her hands on her hips, eyes drilling into Taylor’s, who looks away quickly, not able to take the tall model’s fierce glare.

“Stop blaming me for this!” Taylor throws her hands in the air, “I have to fix things in my career first. I need you to respect that.”

“I’m not BLAMING you! And you know I respect that. But I thought we’d be getting married soon, and here I am waiting for you to decide WHEN we can even have a CONVERSATION about it.”

“That’s bullshit, Karlie. That’s just bullshit. Stop hammering me about this. We’ll get there one day. You have to wait.”

“Sure, Taylor. Let me know if you ever want to make time for me.”

Taylor eyerolls and stings back, “Oh fuck that, Karlie. That is so not even accurate.”

It infuriates Karlie.

“Maybe not to you,” she growls through gritted teeth.

Karlie grabs her key, phone, and airbuds and shoves her way past Taylor to head toward the back door.

“Karlie, where are you going?”

“I’m going for a run. This conversation obviously isn’t going anywhere, so I might as well.”

She slams the door and leaves a frustrated Taylor behind.

Note 85.
November 24, 2022

Thanksgiving still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth at times.

You were such an ass that one Thanksgiving, 2016.

We had been bickering so much leading up to it. We had decided it was best for us to stop being seen in public together and I hated it. I hated that I had to reroute my life with my girlfriend because of stupid external factors. And yet, I understood. And we agreed. That didn’t mean I didn’t give you a hard time for it, especially at the beginning.

And all that bickering led to a huge fight.

You wanted me to come home with you for Thanksgiving. I wanted to be with my sisters and my parents. You claimed I wasn’t making an effort for us. I made some passive aggressive comment about not being able to be seen with you anyway.

Something like, “How about this? I’ll go to your family’s Thanksgiving…” I saw your face flicker with excitement. And I almost stopped. I almost did. But I was so angry at you. And I was so bitter, after months of feeling like our walls were closing in. So, I didn’t, “I’ll go once you take a course in photoshop, since I’ll have to be removed from all the pictures, anyway.”

You were so mad. I think you threw a spatula at the wall. It was plastic, so it didn’t break anything.

But god, you were such an immature little shit at times back then. You literally broke up with me.

“Go home to Nowhere, USA, Karlie! But when you come back, don’t call me.”

I mean, looking back, that would’ve been kind of funny if it hadn’t resulted in you actually being serious. You wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls and we ended up not resolving anything before we both left for the holiday.

I flew from LA to St. Louis in tears.

“Just let her cool off,” Kimby said.

“I kind of want to kill her,” Kristine said.

And what did you do? You brought another girl to Thanksgiving and posted her all over social media. Ended up starting a whole new slew of rumors about another relationship you were in.

“Okay, now I want to kill her,” Kariann said.

And I kind of did too.

Lo and behold, I finally got that phone call from you the day after Thanksgiving.

Kristine plucked the phone out of my hand and reamed you out before I could even respond.

And so there you were, hours later, late in the night, on my Aunt and Uncle’s front porch, hands in your pockets and a beanie on your head and a look of disgruntlement on your face.

I knew you regretted it the moment I opened the door. I almost didn’t forgive you. I’m glad I did. Even if it meant we’d face a much worse break up down the line. Because we still had so much good ahead. And lord knows, more maturing to do.

But still. Sometimes on Thanksgiving, I remember that year. And it makes me mad at you all over again.

Mostly because now you’re not here. So, I can’t remind you of the time you were a total jackass on Thanksgiving. And throw a loaf of bread at your head. And hear you whine, “Oww Kar, I’m sorryyyy.”

It’s late in the middle of the night when Karlie gets the text.  

Taylor
I’m outside. Meet me on the porch?

Karlie squints at the bright light. She can’t be serious? The tall model slips on her sneakers and jacket, slides open the doors that divide the living room with the den her Aunt and Uncle have let her stay in the last two nights, and softly pads across the room and down the hallway to the front door.

When Karlie cracks the door open, she finds a shivering Taylor, beanie on, hands in pockets, breath visible as she says, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Karlie closes the door behind her and steps outside. She crosses her arms around her front and glares at Taylor.

“You are such an asshole.”

Taylor deflates.

“I am… such an asshole,” she sighs, “I’m really sorry. I was being a jerk. Kristine was right. I never should’ve left things like that.”

“And parading around with another woman?” Karlie snaps.

Taylor flinches. She doesn’t often get this kind of bite from Karlie.

“I… fuck, sometimes I just revert to 16 years old when I get insecure. It was so dumb. I knew it would upset you and I acted like I didn’t care, but that’s not true, Kar. I thought of you the whole time. I was wondering what you were doing. How your family was. I felt so awful when Kristine laid into me…” Taylor rolls her eyes, “even though I clearly deserved it. I guess I didn’t realize… how bad I was hurting you, though. You know how my brain works, it was like a game in my head. To push you into…”

“Into what, exactly? A fucking breakdown?”

Taylor’s eyes widen.

“No! Into… loving me.”

“That is… literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know. I just, god, Kar my anxiety’s been all over the place lately and I’m so scared of not having you out and about with me anymore. Like, I don’t know how to do that? You’re my lifeline. You bring me down. And it’s like every time I think of a future where we are just… hiding and you’re nowhere to be seen when the vultures are out there eating me alive, I get so scared. And I know we made this decision together and I know it’s probably best for both of us and for our relationship in the end, but I’m already finding myself missing you, and when you make comments about it, I’m just… I’m so afraid you’re going to jump ship and that I’ll… that I’ll really be all alone.”

Karlie’s face softens and she sighs, dropping her arms by her side.

“Taylor, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way?”

“Because you’ve been so mad about it lately. I thought that’s why you didn’t want to come to Thanksgiving with me. I thought… if you didn’t come it was because you were rethinking us.”

“Seriously? I am allowed to be mad sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“I know, I just… I got really stuck in my head.”

Karlie stares at the other woman, tapping her fingers against her sides as she considers what to do with the smaller woman in front of her.

She sighs again.

“This is it. This is your one get out of jail free card,” Karlie says, signaling ‘1’ with a finger in Taylor’s face, “You don’t get to just break up with me because you’re scared and then ignore me. We have to talk about these things.”

“I know,” Taylor agrees, nodding like a scorned child taking her punishment, “And I won’t. I won’t do that ever again. I’ve missed you so much. I’d rather have you yelling at me than not have you around.”

Karlie nods, but continues to eye Taylor, as if searching for the answer to something.

“What?” Taylor asks.

Karlie swallows and looks down.

“Tell me you didn’t do anything stupid with Lily?”

Taylor let’s out a heavy breath.

“What? No— Kar, I was just trying to make you jealous. I would never— you don’t think I’d actually…?”

Karlie brings her hand up to play with her hair. She pulls it behind her ear, anxiously.

“I don’t know, Taylor. I didn’t think you’d dump me and ignore me for forever either.”

“Karlie… it wasn’t even 4 days,” Taylor says with a laugh.

Karlie glares at her, “Well, what if something happened during those 4 days, hmm? And you just ignored my calls like that! You can’t do that to me. If that was the last time we ever saw each other, that’d just be so…” Karlie’s eyes begin to water, “sad.”

“Oh, Kar,” Taylor says, empathetically as she pulls Karlie in by the waist for a hug.

Karlie puts her arms around Taylor’s shoulders and leans into the smaller woman’s warmth.

“Never again,” Taylor whispers into Karlie’s neck, the cold of her nose swiping along its length causing Karlie to shiver.

“I promise,” Taylor continues, as she kisses her neck.

Karlie pulls back and looks at Taylor and pulls her into what starts as a chaste kiss, but turns into about a minute of warm lips moving against one another with brushes of cold skin and the tightening of an already close embrace, until Karlie pulls back.

“Where’s security?” She breathes out.

“In the car. I told them I’d pay them triple by the hour if they stay in there tonight.”

“Taylor!” Karlie laughs.

“Someone’s got to patrol this midwestern frozen vortex of death for the Abominable Snowman!”

Karlie shakes her head.

“There’s an empty guest house out back, you know.”

“What!? Shit. Now I’m gonna have to pay them triple to live in luxury.”

Karlie grabs Taylor by the front of her jacket, “you know you’re also gonna have to pay your way back into the Kloss sisters’ hearts.”

Taylor winces.

“Fuck, how bad is it?”

“Umm Kimby said, and I quote, ‘Karlie, you said you’d never date a Bad Boy! And right now Taylor is giving me Bad Boy vibes!’”

Taylor cackles, “Nooooo not Bad Boy vibes! My reputation’s never been worse.”                                    

“You do kind of look like a Bad Boy in all this black, though,” Karlie says with a lifted eyebrow, hands continuing to grip Taylor’s black jacket.

Taylor smirks, “If I was really a bad boy… I’d fuck you in your family’s house while they slept.”

Karlie’s eyes widen, “Taylor!”

Taylor raises an eyebrow, “The question is: you think you can keep quiet?”

Karlie swallows and pulls Taylor into the house by the jacket, closing and locking the door with one hand, and then dragging her down the hall into the den with the other.

She closes the sliding doors.

After Taylor strips her down and whispers, “I’m sorry, you’re such a good girl. You didn’t deserve that,” Karlie lets Taylor have her way with her.

After all, Taylor owes her.

Tangled limbs and an exhausted model… thanks to an epic apology from the singer, they lay together, holding one another close.

“Well, now we can say we’ve had sex on an air mattress.”

“And you fell off during.”

“You kicked me with your stilts!”

“I did not. But… that was… thank you.”

“Makeup sex is the best medicine.”

“You know you can’t fuck the rest of my family, right?”

“Damn. Kurt really does it for me, though.”

“Oh my god, ew.”

Taylor laughs, “I’ll charm the hell out of them tomorrow morning, I promise.”

“Kristine’s going to be tough.”

“Well, yeah, she’s like the matriarch.”

“It’s like facing the final boss.”

“You nerd.”

“Hey! You are on thin ice, buddy,” Karlie says whacking Taylor on the arm.

Taylor laughs.

“Alright, alright. I love you, Kar.”

Karlie rolls her eyes.

“I love you, too… even when you’re being an immature little butthead.”

Taylor wishes she could’ve been smart enough to fix things in 2020 the way she did in 2016, but could it have been resolved so easily? Were they too far apart at that point? Would Karlie have wanted her to? But Karlie should’ve been the one to fix it, shouldn’t she have? She’s the one who left!

Note 84.
November 8, 2022

I keep laughing about the fact you put, “Good Girl, SAD Boy” into the song “Question…?”

The Carolina Herrera campaign itself already made me laugh. Ever since Kimby called you a “Bad Boy” that one Thanksgiving. And you followed up by telling me I was a “Good Girl” … while doing not so good (but oh so good) things to me.

That was already funny. But now you’re being overdramatic. As always.

You know you could just call me up? You do know that’s how phones work? You don’t have to keep dropping Easter eggs for me and then act like I’m the one who isn’t willing to talk?

Maybe one day I’ll fold and reach out. I don’t know.

Anyway, I posted a pic of me standing in front of my Carolina Herrera ad today. Thought maybe it would make its way to you. Maybe you’d find it funny. Maybe you’d see I’m trying to speak to you, too.

Karlie. She's been trying to speak to her this whole time? She has, hasn't she?

Karlie. She can’t lose Karlie again. She can’t lose whatever this is they have going right now. She needs to get a hold of Karlie. She needs to get a hold of her now.

Taylor clicks on Karlie’s name and presses the call icon.

“Hey.”

“Karlie, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, just dealing with work stuff.”

“Karlie. You’ve been on my ass about being honest. Tell me what it is you’re feeling. Please.”

Karlie sighs.

“I’m hurt.”

It’s a flow of relief that Taylor feels as Karlie finally admits what Taylor was already worried about.

“Okay. I thought so. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. I really don’t want that. Can you tell me what part caused that? So we can talk through it?”

“How come you can plant a million Easter eggs that signal to me in your tour and in what you wear and in your posts, but I can’t? I get in trouble just for trying to show you I care one time.”

Taylor shuts her eyes.

“Karlie, I understand where you’re coming from—“

“No, you don’t. You’re regarded as a genius and I’m just some loser who is still trying to ride your coattails.”

“I—“

“I swear sometimes it’s worse than if you were a man. You’re fucking untouchable. I’m yesterday’s trash.”

“Stop it. Don’t say that about yourself. That’s not true.”

“But isn’t it? Isn’t that the narrative that was crafted? I’m the bad guy? And you believe that, don’t you? That it was all on me?”

Taylor can hear the tears even if she can’t see them.

“Karlie… “

“I don’t know, Taylor. Maybe I can’t do this.”

Taylor’s heart sinks.

“Maybe it was a terrible idea to ever reach out. Maybe I should’ve stayed in the fucking dark.”

“Kar, please don’t say that. These past few days have been… I know it’s complicated. But having you back, even just like this has made simply breathing easier.”

“What does ‘Like this?’ even mean? Maybe you’ll be able to call me your friend one day? Maybe I’ll be able to meet you in public one day? After an elaborately crafted plan so your perfect image isn’t tarnished?”

“Baby, no.”

She doesn’t even have a chance to think about her slip of the pet name before Karlie throws her another curveball.

“I wanted to figure this out, Taylor. I wanted to heal our wounds and fill the holes that I know both of us have been living with. I don’t know, Taylor, I had some kind of farfetched fantasy that we’d work out some way to build back our coexistence. That we’d choose our happiness for once.”

It hits Taylor like a ton of bricks. That there’s still a chance. But she has to fix this right now if that chance is to stick around.

“Karlie, I want that. I want to choose happiness. I read your notes today. The more you’ve shared… the more I’m understanding you. I want to do this with you. I want to relive our journey together and I want to understand where we went wrong. I want to work with you. Please, Karlie. I cannot lose you again. You cannot leave. Do you understand me?”

Taylor taps her fingers against her thigh frantically, trying to soothe her nerves as she awaits a reply.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, Karlie. I’m just… it scares me. It does. But I need to understand how we got here. I need to know what’s been going on in your head. I forgot how good you were at…”

“At what?”

“At making me feel less alone.”

Karlie sighs, “I won’t pull another ‘Dorothy’ without talking to you beforehand, but I wish you’d understand where I’m coming from.”

“Karlie, it was so cute and sweet. I loved it. I really did. I just need things to stay calm on that front right now. Everything with you can hurt so badly sometimes. I don’t want to cause anymore pain than we will already inevitably face.”

“I… understand that,” Karlie says, “I’m glad you at least thought I looked cute,” she continues with a small giggle.

“There it is,” Taylor says, smile growing on her face, “There’s my sunshine.”

“I am hard eye-rolling right now.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No... I’m not.”

“Tomorrow, my sunshine better be back in full swing?”

“She’ll try.”

There's a moment of silence, but for once today, it's actually comfortable. Safe.

“Hey, Kar?”

“Yeah?”

“I care about you a lot.”

Silence again before Karlie responds.

“I love you too, Taylor.”

Yeah… that.

Chapter Text

November 2, 2023

Taylor calls Tree first thing the next morning.

“Taylor? It’s early. What are you doing up?”

“Feelings are changing.”

“What? Oh— Karlie?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be over in an hour.”

When Tree barges in alone, Taylor knows this is going to be a longer and deeper conversation than she wants.

She says nothing more than, “Good Morning,” before the redhead is setting up her computer at Taylor’s kitchen table.

Taylor takes a seat across from her, coffee cup in hand, eyeing her publicist as the woman types away on her computer. She begins pulling at her shirt anxiously, feeling like a child who is about to get a scolding, awaiting her punishment.

“Tree?” she asks hesitantly.

“One moment,” is all she gets in response.

Finally, the other woman stops typing and clicking and pushes her computer forward. She folds down the screen of the laptop ever so slightly to get a better look at Taylor.

“Okay. Talk to me.”

Taylor straightens up from her slouched position and clears her throat.

“Um… I think… well, I think feelings are changing.”

Tree eyes her, tight lipped, awaiting more. When she doesn’t get any, she gently pushes Taylor further.

“Yes. You told me that. What does that mean?”

Taylor taps her fingertips against her cup.

“I don’t know. I just know that I am not losing her again. I don’t know what it means for us. We’re talking about things. We’re trying to…” she pauses, leans forward on her elbows, sighs, “We’re trying to piece together what happened to us. And I think…” she nervously lifts a hand to scratch at the back of her neck, “I think it might be building to something. But I don’t know what that means yet.”

Tree sighs.

“Taylor…” she begins to speak.

“I still love her,” Taylor interrupts.

Tree, taken aback by the bluntness from the younger woman, closes her mouth instantly.

“I still love her, Tree. I’ve never stopped. I thought...” she swallows back a rising lump in her throat, “I thought I lost her forever. And she’s trying to make her way back to me. And I want to let her. I want to let her in. I don’t know if I can. But I want to try.” Taylor chokes out the end of it, tears filling her eyes.

Tree pushes her chair out and stands up, walks around the table to the other side, and envelops Taylor in a hug. Taylor lets out a sob as Tree runs her hand up and down her back in comfort.

When Taylor calms, Tree pulls back, gripping Taylor by the shoulders and meeting her eyes with confidence.

“Okay. We’ll figure it out.”

Taylor smiles up at the woman and wipes a stray tear that sneaks past her eyelid.

“But I am in the loop now,” Tree continues, “I WILL be asking you about this. Every day. I will need to know if you texted, called, Facetimed, where each of you were when it happened. And I absolutely will need to know if you’re planning on meeting her in person. That would have to be very carefully curated and—”

“Tree, we’re not there yet,” Taylor laughs.

“I know. But I’m telling you so you’re not bitching at me when we get there,” Tree replies, removing her hands from their place in grounding Taylor and standing up straight.

Taylor laughs and shakes her head.

“If we get there,” the singer says.

“If?” Tree asks, with a lift of the eyebrow. She’s calling bullshit. She’s always calling Taylor’s bullshit.

Taylor brings her hands to her lap and rubs them up and down her thighs, taking a breath.

“It’s probably a ‘when’ but that might put me into a full panic attack,” she breathes out.

“If we get there, it is then.”

Taylor softly smiles up at the other woman, “Thank you, Tree.”

The redhead nods in response.

“Now, Taylor, you know this won’t change our plan with Travis, right?”

Taylor’s smile drops. She sighs, “Yeah, I know.”

“Does she know about it?”

“Sort of.”

“Does she know it’s contractual?”

“Not… exactly.”

“Are you going to tell her?” Tree asks making her way back to her computer, adjusting the screen, and clicking a few keys.

“Yeah, I just… I’ll tell her before I head to Argentina.”

“You should probably let her in on the bigger plan, sooner rather than later. But she’ll need to sign an updated NDA,” Tree says, typing away on her keyboard, “I’ll get one ready for her, so you just let me know when to send it her way.”

Taylor rolls her eyes, “If she hasn’t broken it after what my fans have done to her over the years, do you really think she will now?”

Tree’s typing stops and her eyes meet Taylor’s, sternly.

“Taylor, this is bigger now. This is your coming out plan. She knows what all this entails. If anyone would understand it…”

“Karlie would,” Taylor finishes, jutting out her lip in understanding.

Tree nods, “She knows your world by now.”

Taylor sighs, “Yeah… unfortunately.”

When Tree leaves, Taylor grabs her phone and immediately texts Karlie.

Taylor
Good morning. I’ve been up dealing with monstrous Trees since pre-sunrise. How did you sleep?

Karlie
Wow. You texting first? To what do I owe the honor?  

Taylor
I told Tree that we’re… trying to figure some things out.

Karlie
Oh yeah??

Taylor
Yeah. That’s why she was here. I texted her when I woke up.

Karlie
I feel like I should give you a little scratch and sniff sticker of a lavender plant that says, “Smells like Growth!”

Taylor
You stop that. I’m trying.

Karlie
I just wanted you to knowww this is me trying.

Taylor
Stop texting my song lyrics to me. I did, though… just want you to know.

Karlie
Once your fans stop typing them into all my Instagram comments.

Taylor
Well played.

Karlie
Thank you, though. For… being honest about what’s going on on your end. Would you like a note to help lighten the morning mood, my fair popstar?

Taylor
Please do provide me a note, my lady.

Karlie
INCOMING!

Note 83.
October 22, 2022  

Midnights is out now. As I do with all of your albums, I’m writing my initial reactions. It’s so late and I don’t know if I’m ready. But here we go…

Lavender Haze – Well, yeah, I know this. It was part of our problem, wasn’t it?
Maroon – What the fuck, Taylor? I need to pause for a second. Because I’m crying now, and I really don’t want to work myself up into getting sick. But seriously, what the fuck, Taylor? Also, how is anyone going to think this is about a man?

Anti-Hero – Midnights became your afternoons because you’d stay up writing all night!
Snow On The Beach – Is Lana in the room with us? This is pretty, though. We were weird but fucking beautiful.
You’re on Your Own, Kid – Ugh, you are so annoying. You didn’t have to be. Sometimes it annoys me you act like such a martyr. But also this bridge??? Okay, not annoyed anymore. That was intense.
Midnight Rain – You’re more than midnight rain. You just need to stop letting the gray clouds take over.
Question…? – This is… about that night, isn’t it?
Vigilante Shit – Damn. Fair, but damn. Also kinda hot. DO NOT FUCK HIS WIFE, TAYLOR.
Bejeweled – This better not be about me. Who is not letting you feel bejeweled?
Labyrinth – We rose up a million times… but we still crashed. I wish we could rise again.
Karma – This is a fun beat. I want to blast it with my windows down.
Sweet Nothing – I… never would have asked you for more, if I hadn’t needed it.
Mastermind – Babe, of course I knew.

I can’t believe I’m waiting up for this 3 AM super surprise. I am a mother, Taylor.

7 more songs, Taylor!?

The Great War – Is it possible… you have hope we can still survive this war? Is there still a chance?
Bigger Than The Whole Sky – This… broke my heart.
Paris – Not the tower at midnight! Blushing.
High Infidelity – hmm… ‘bending’ the truth is a bit of an understatement.
Glitch – Come back to me. I’ll stitch you to my side and never let you go.
Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve – This feels like it’s from my… oh fuck, Taylor.
Dear Reader – This is… kind of loud, actually.

Taylor, this is so good. After an initial listen, I love it. I’ll need to dive deeper later. Maybe not into Maroon. That might have to be taken in pieces. But once again, I am so proud of you. You are an incredible artist and your depth is endless.

I need to go to sleep, and apparently you have a video coming out in a few hours. I’ll be circling back to that...

And we're back. The Anti-Hero music video is brilliant. But it’s also sad for me, knowing you always felt split in two. The Anti-Hero, she sure is something, huh? But sometimes I think you forget that yeah, maybe it was that version of you that hooked people, but it’s the real you that made them want to stay. People love Taylor, the writer, the mastermind, the lover.

We all have multiple sides of ourselves, but I worry you think there’s no YOU in your public persona. But there is, Taylor. You’re always there. Your sparkling eyes, and the way they get all squinty when you’re trying really hard to listen to what someone’s saying. Your quirky laugh when you think you’ve said something funny. Your over-excitement at the littlest things. Your kindness. You’re still there, Taylor. And you’re beautiful, all sides of you.

Taylor
I can’t believe you stayed up until 3 AM for that.  

Karlie
If I had been able to listen early, I wouldn’t have had to!

Taylor
You know that’s hard for me too… you not being my sounding board.

Karlie
I know. Maybe by the time your next album comes out…

Taylor
Well…

Karlie
Taylor! Tell me you’re not working on another album already.

Taylor
I plead the fifth.

Karlie
Do you ever tire??

Taylor
DO YOU!?  

Karlie
No… that’s why we worked so well, isn’t it? Way too driven and determined to be on the go to ever slow down.

Taylor
And yet, I basically locked you inside my house… I’m really sorry if you felt suffocated with me, Karlie.

Karlie
What?? Taylor, no! I never felt that way… that had nothing to do with it. In fact, sometimes I think you focused too much on that.

Taylor
Well, it was my biggest fear. That you’d get sick of the cage I forced you into.

Karlie
I understood your situation at the time. I chose it with you. I just… I wanted to know there was more coming. In the end, it felt like there wasn’t. I didn’t feel suffocated. If anything, I felt isolated— like the piece of ice we’d been floating on together for so long had split apart and I was just watching you float away.

Taylor
There was supposed to be more coming. There was always meant to be. I always wanted more with you. Everything just felt so complicated at the time.

Karlie
I know. And we’ll get there. But don’t think I didn’t love our moments together, even if they were often inside the walls of your home.

Taylor
Well, at least I know you weren’t just tired of me.

Karlie
Never. Actually, this next note is kind of about this fear of yours.

Taylor
Oh yeah? Give it here, then! Fix my insecurities stat!

Karlie
Therapy, my love. Still suggesting it.

Taylor
I am very sane.

Karlie
I’m going to ignore it for now.

Taylor
Please do.

Note 82.
September 30, 2022

I’m back in Paris. This week has been so insane. I am hungover as absolute hell and have to attend a show in less than an hour. All I wanted this morning was a shot of Bailey’s in my iced coffee. Your secret go-to recovery. I think it saved my life that one St. Patrick’s Day… but I wouldn’t have needed it the morning after, if you hadn’t gotten me wasted to prove some ridiculous point.

I know you always worried that I cared about the way we had to be… to be together. But to me, it never mattered. It was always worth it to have you. My friends said I was crazy. My family said I was crazy (before they fell in love with you, too). Heck, YOU even said I was crazy.

But how could choosing you have ever been crazy? As if it was ever a choice.

Every ounce of my being knew the moment I met you that it was destiny. It was as if my soul had been floating around untethered throughout the atmosphere, useless in its desperate search for the other half of the magnet that might help it find its way back down to Earth. And the moment our jet streams crossed paths they became one. We were stuck together; finally grounded by the elements of the world’s gravity. The force was too strong for anyone to try and pull us apart. And as our feet touched back down on the pavement of our twisted planet, we were ready to take on the dark alleyway we would choose as our path together.

I didn’t care if every date we ever had was behind closed doors because that still meant I was having dates with you. I didn’t care what was printed. I didn’t care what was said. I just cared that I knew you. I knew the real you. And THAT is the person I loved. The person I still love… that I know is still there. Because I see her in your words. I see her in your art. I see her in glimpses of you.

No, loving you was not crazy. Losing you was.

I can’t believe I left. And I can’t believe I had to.

I can’t believe you let me go. And I can’t believe you never came after me.

And now, I’m fully dressed and ready to go show off the only side of me they ever see: sunshine. And it kind of makes me want to cry because I’m viscerally shaking from the amount of liquor I took in last night. And all I can think about is how you would’ve made sure there was shot of Bailey’s in my damn coffee.

“It’s St. Patrick’s Day! We HAVE to do car bombs,” Taylor says as she fumbles through her purse in search of the keys to her Cornelia St. apartment.  

Karlie looks down at the bags of groceries she ended up carrying up the stairs, after Taylor’s security gave a hard look between the two and apparently made the assumption she was the only one who’d be strong enough for the task.

“Taylor, I have no desire to do this. It’s just us! Why do you want to have chugging contests??”

“Because I want you to know we can still have a good time! Even if it’s… inside my house.” Taylor says, slightly dejected, “Aha! Here it is.” She takes the key out and begins to work it into her apartment door.

“Taylor, we don’t need to drink to have a good time,” Karlie responds with an eye roll.

Taylor unlocks the door and pushes it open, gesturing for Karlie to enter behind her.

Karlie looks at the state of the apartment and immediately starts laughing.

“Why is there SO much green!?”

There are giant signs up all around the kitchen, and green and gold balloons, a clover themed tablecloth across the island counter along with themed cups and silverware and plates. There are what appear to be press-on tattoos and stickers, pins, glasses, necklaces, scarves, headbands and hats.

“BECAUSE IT’S ST. PATRICK’S DAY! And you love Ireland!”

“You’re not even Irish!”

“Yes, but aren’t your aunt and uncle? You need to celebrate this family holiday.”

Karlie places the grocery bags on the island and looks at the floor in awe, seeing that it is covered in decor.

“Oh my god you’re going to be finding glittery green shamrocks on your floor for months.”

“Worth it!” Taylor says as she plops a green shamrock headband on top of Karlie, wraps her in a scarf the colors of the Irish flag, and observes her.

“Hmm something’s missing… OH!”

Taylor runs out of the kitchen and comes flying back with two shirts in hand.

“Here!”

Karlie fumbles to catch the green shirt Taylor throws her way.

She opens it up to read the saying on it.

“I’m Getting Lucky Tonight!” she reads out loud. “Am I!???” Karlie asks, eyes bulging out.

“If you celebrate with me!” Taylor says as she strips her top off and puts her own shirt on.

Karlie looks at the shirt Taylor is now sporting, to see that it reads, “I’m So Irish Right Meow” with a picture of a cat wearing a green top hat.

She giggles.

“You are such a dork,” she says.

“Hey! Play along!”

Taylor hands Karlie the shirt she had been wearing before her swift change, “Go put this in the laundry room and change your top! I have a few things I need to get ready. “

“Manners?” Karlie says, with the lift of an eyebrow.

“Pleeeease, baby?” Taylor asks, then leans up to place a sweet peck on Karlie’s lips.

“Of course.”

“Love you!” she says and boops Karlie on the nose, “Now go!” She smacks the taller woman on the butt and it causes Karlie to jump. The model shakes her head in laughter and makes her way upstairs, following her girlfriend’s instructions.  

When she gets back downstairs, green shirt on, scarf back in place, shamrock headband securing hair behind her ears, she overlooks the island counter that is now covered in food.

There are Lucky Charms marshmallow treats, a plate of fruit in the shape of a rainbow with a cloud-shaped cup holding yogurt on one end and a pot of gold Rolos on the other, and a stack of green bagels.

“Taylor, what is this!?”

“Our spread, my dear,” Taylor says, waving her arm over the island where the food sits.

Karlie eyes the bright green bagels, suspiciously.

“Bagels are not supposed to be that color.”

“Do not panic, Karlie. A bit of food coloring for one day won’t kill you.”

“It might.”

Taylor rolls her eyes and pulls a covered plate out from under the island.

“Because I knew you were going to be annoying about that,” she says as she uncovers another plate of regular bagels, not a drop of colored dye in sight, “And this side is even gluten free and organic,” Taylor continues, pointing to the smaller bagels on the left side of the plate.

“Awww! You’re so considerate!” Karlie runs around the island and squeezes Taylor in a huge hug from behind, nuzzling her chin into Taylor’s shoulder.

“Yeah, well,” Taylor rolls her eyes, “When it comes to you, I’ll inconvenience myself a million little times.”

“And I for you, babe,” Karlie says with a kiss to Taylor’s cheek, “and I’ll also kiss you a million little times to show how thankful I am for you,” she continues, tightening her grip on Taylor and placing quick pecks all over her face, chin, neck, and shoulder as Taylor squirms to get out of her grip.

“Karrrr, stop! I have to get the drinks ready.” Taylor pulls out of Karlie’s grip and kicks her away gently with her foot, leg fully out and parallel to the floor.

“Why are you using your feet??” Karlie complains.

“Because your arms are longer than mine, I can’t keep you out!” the singer responds, pointing her foot at the tall model.

“So, if I used my leg…” Karlie ponders, shoving Taylor’s leg away from her until the older girl puts it back on the ground.

“Don’t you dare, Daddy Long Legs.”

“Did you just call me ‘Daddy’??”

Taylor playfully glares at Karlie, “Give me ten minutes! Please, babe? I want everything perfect for you.”

Karlie gives Taylor a tight-lipped smile and holds her hands up in surrender, “Alright, fine. But I’m putting a 10-minute timer on my phone,” Karlie responds, grabbing her phone out of her pocket and waving it in front of Taylor, “And I’m going to spend every second of it looking at cat videos.”

“KARLIE!” Taylor’s eyes go wide, “That is so mean.”

“You’ve made your choices, now you must live with them, Ms. Swift.”

Taylor rolls her eyes, “Get out of here then!” She waves her off with a hand and Karlie laughs as she makes her way to the living room.

It’s exactly 9 minutes and 53 seconds later that Karlie hears herself being summoned. As she wanders back into the kitchen, she grins widely seeing how excited Taylor is.

“Karlie, look!” Taylor says, looking down at her creations, “I made us green mint martinis! And I promise this is the only food coloring I am forcing on you. It’s not red at least, and I put in the TINIEST amount possible, I swear.”

Karlie smiles as she watches Taylor perform a pre-rebuttal to something she wasn’t planning on saying anything about, because the look of pure joy on Taylor’s face was all she could focus on.

“Babe, those look delicious. I couldn’t turn it down, if I tried.”

Taylor looks up at her with a wide-lipped smile, “Oh good! Get over here!” she says, lifting the two glasses and holding one out for Karlie.

Karlie grabs the other glass and holds it up, cheers-ing Taylor, but keeping it there as she continues to move forward, pulling Taylor in by the neck for a deep kiss.

“I love you,” she whispers against Taylor’s lips as she pulls back ever so slightly to bring her gaze to Taylor’s eyes, “don’t you forget that.”

Taylor smiles brightly and nods in agreement, words seeming somehow not appropriate at this time. Karlie doesn’t need her to say them back. She knows how Taylor feels.

They both take a sip of their drinks and Karlie’s eyes bulge at Taylor’s from behind the martini glass.

“Yum!” she says as she pulls it away.

“I am forcing you to do at least one car bomb with me. But I figured I could at least give you a tasteful drink containing Bailey’s first.”

“Mmm,” Karlie nods, taking another sip and swallowing, “Appreciate the thought, there.”

Hours later, and more than one car bomb (Karlie got mad Tayor beat her, so they did a second one and then Taylor got mad Karlie beat her, so they did a third one and then Karlie…well, the cycle continued), the two of them are giggling as they dance around the kitchen singing along to, “You Don’t Own Me” that blasts from the speaker in the corner. They had started with Irish music, but it slowly transitioned into a “My turn for a song,” “No, my turn!” battle until they agreed to just switch off every other. This one was Karlie’s choice, and the spatula in hand acting as her microphone really adds to the whole aesthetic as Taylor watches on.

“You’re so good, Karlie. You should win a contest.”

“I could probably win a cake-eating contest right now. Chocolate cake would be sooo good,” the highly inebriated model says as she puts down the spatula, then turns to Taylor, “I’m sorry. That was rude. You have so much nice food here.”

Taylor giggles, “It’s not rude, you’re just drunk. It’s funny. And guess what?”

“You have chocolate cake!?” Karlie asks, eyes wide.

“Almost…” Taylor goes into the fridge and pulls out a large, deep, plastic container that’s covered with foil.

When she undoes the foil, she reveals a container full of chocolate cupcakes, each one with creamy coffee-colored icing on it, and a pipette sticking out of it containing an indistinguishable liquid.

“Oh my god! Wait, WHAT IS GROWING OUT OF IT!?” Karlie looks on wide-eyed.

Taylor cackles, “It’s Jameson Whiskey! They’re car bomb cupcakes.”

“YOU ARE AN EVIL GENIUS!” Karlie says, “How does this work?”

Taylor takes out a cupcake and hands it over to Karlie. She takes another one out for herself.

“Okay, so first take off the wrapper,” Taylor instructs and Karlie follows suit.

“Now, what you’re going to do is squeeze the pipette until all the Jameson is out and in the cupcake, and then you gotta go HAM on the cupcake or else it starts leaking out everywhere.”

“Go HAM? Like shove this thing in my face?”

“Yes, you need to eat this thing like it’s going out of style.”

“Alexa!” The song that had begun after Karlie’s last choice finished pauses, “Play ‘Style’ by Taylor Swift,” Karlie finishes and Alexa confirms the request before the familiar opener begins through the speaker.

“Hey! It was MY TURN!” Taylor says with a faux look of frustration directed at Karlie.

“I need motivation to beast this cupcake, okay?”

“Fine. Are you ready?”

Karlie eyes her cupcake and pipette with intense focus, hand hovering over the pipette, tongue sticking out, ready for the greenlight.

“3…2…1… Go!”

Both girls squeeze the pipette to drain the Jameson, throw their pipettes to the side, and begin shoving the cupcake into their faces.

With each bite, drips of liquid mixed with cupcake explode out the sides. They both begin laughing about halfway through and drop their remaining cupcakes onto one of the empty plates Taylor had laid out.

Karlie eyes Taylor and points to her nose, “You got icing on your nose!” she mumbles through her mostly chewed cupcake.

Taylor glares at her, swallows the remaining cupcake, and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, “Yeah, because you look fabulous right now, talking with your mouth full and icing crumbs all over your chin!” Taylor nods her way.

Karlie swallows the rest of her cupcake, looks around at their fingers and Taylor’s face, and can only imagine how messy hers is.

“That was a terrible idea,” Karlie says shaking her head, “Look at us!”

Karlie grabs Taylor’s face with her cupcake covered hands and Taylor squeals.

“It’s already in your hair babe, I can’t make it worse,” Karlie laughs out at the other woman’s response.

She leans in and licks the icing off Taylor’s nose, “tasted good, though.”

Taylor grabs Karlie by the shirt and pulls her in for a kiss, their messy selves be damned.

“My shirt!” Karlie complains, pulling away.

“Well, do you want it to come true or not?” Taylor asks with a smirk.

Karlie looks down at the now frosting-covered green tee and reminds herself of the saying she’s now reading upside down. Her head shoots up and she nods frantically.

Taylor giggles. “Shower?”

“Shower.” Karlie confirms.

They run upstairs to the master bath, strip down and make their way into the glass-encased shower.

They both take turns rinsing off their faces and hands before Taylor wraps her arms around Karlie underneath the flow of running water and pulls her in for a kiss.

They explore one another blissfully, through clouds of steam and against glass walls that confine them in the most beautiful way, until their skin begs them to get out.

They end up falling asleep wrapped in towels atop the comforter.

At some point during the night Taylor must have unwrapped Karlie’s hair, removed her towel, and covered her in blankets, because when she awakens the next morning, she feels warm and cozy underneath the soft material that lay against her skin.

She’s not really nauseous, but she feels like her body’s been through the ringer and can feel a small dull headache coming on.

She turns over to find Taylor isn’t next to her. When she makes her way downstairs, she notices Taylor mixing two large coffees.

“Ah!” Taylor says, “Just in time.”

She hands Karlie the large cup, a full water bottle, and then two Tylenol.

“Take these and have some water first.”

Karlie nods and swallows the pills with a few gulps of water. Then, she begins drinking the coffee like her life depends on it.

“Why does it taste extra creamy?” Karlie asks.

“There’s Bailey’s in it.”

“What!?” Karlie shoots Taylor a look.

“Kar, it’s fine. It’s just a shot. Hair of the dog. I promise you will not be drunk off of it,” she says with a giggle, “it just makes the coffee go down easier so you can function this morning.”

By the end of her cup, Karlie already felt better. The lingering headache had seemed to fade, and that ‘I don’t need to puke but I kind of want to’ feeling was gone.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Karlie said shaking her head.

“You’ll never know if it was that or the water and Tylenol… or if I just made you BELIEVE!” Taylor says and walks around the corner of the counter to where Karlie is sitting, placing a kiss on her lips, “Good morning, by the way.”

“Oh my gosh! Of course, Good Morning!” Karlie responds, wrapping Taylor in a hug. “My hangover hero!” she claims, holding her tightly, “You saved me once again! For that, I owe you the best of mornings!”

Taylor giggles as Karlie assaults her neck with kisses.

“Alright, alright. The morning has been bested. You gotta get ready for work,” Taylor says, pushing Karlie back.

Karlie pouts overdramatically, “You’re a mean hero.”

“Not the hero you want, but the hero you need, Kloss. I made you breakfast,” she nods to the foil covered plate on the other side of the island.

Karlie glances at it, then back at Taylor, “I was wrong. You’re the nicest hero,” she says, grinning.

“Better be,” Taylor says, walking back to the other side of the island and sliding the plate down to Karlie.

Taylor
Bailey’s in the coffee. Nobody gets it.  

Karlie
And drunk shower sex.

Taylor
Karlie! Haha… I mean. I’m not going to lie, I thought about it too.

Karlie
Which part? When you had my leg over your shoulder or when your back was against my front as I…

Taylor
Oh my god. Okay, enough. I don’t have time to um…

Karlie
Deal with it? Have you taken a shower yet this morning? Two for one deal.

Taylor
Karlie, you’re being bad! Stop! I have a lot to do today. Let’s get back to me thanking you for reminding me it wasn’t THAT part of the relationship that made you leave. But… what did you mean you can’t believe I never came after you? You made the choice to leave. I didn’t.

Karlie
You have to know by now, it wasn’t that simple. You wanted space.

Taylor
Yeah, and you said it was over! What did you expect to happen?

Karlie
You’re the queen of self-reflection, Taylor. I thought you’d recognize your part and come talk to me.

Taylor
Okay, well you gave up on me. I thought that was it.

Karlie
Gave up on you?? Seriously, Taylor?

Taylor
Now I’m getting mad. And I don’t want to be mad at you today.

Karlie
Okay, okay. We’ll come back to this. Let me just send you the next note.

Note 81.
September 16, 2022

“Welcome to New York!”

Still, every time I read it, I want to burn my eyeballs out. I swear it’s always on SOMETHING for New York Fashion Week. Some welcome pamphlets, or an event sign, or some mini card in a bouquet of flowers, or even on a tag wrapped around a freaking champagne bottle.

I used to think it was cute. I’d send you a picture of whatever it was every year, “Stop singing to me!” I’d text. “Stop being so New York City,” you’d respond.

Now I want to rip up anything that says it.

New York is home. It was home before you. It was home with you. It is still home after you.

But it certainly doesn’t feel so welcoming anymore. Not when this is the place we fell in love. Not when every inch of this city makes me want to scream out how much I loved you. Not when everyone’s just walking around acting like we never existed. Assuming we fell out, like any other friendship. Ignorant to the reality of what we really were and how fucking painful that “falling out” really was. How painful it still is.

I want to jump across rooftops and shout out to everyone willing to hear, “I FELL IN LOVE WITH TAYLOR SWIFT HERE! SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THAT CORNELIA ST. APARTMENT! WE MADE LOVE IN THIS CITY! IT WAS REAL! YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!”

But I won’t say anything. I’ll stay quiet. I’ll suffocate in this city before I allow myself to forget us along with it.

The first night back in New York City after their first trip to the Rhode Island house together is filled with rustling sheets, glistening skin, heavy breaths, and passionate sighs. The sweetness of being together lingers longer than it should with feather-light kisses to shoulders, and fingertips, and lips until eventually, they fall asleep.

Taylor is awoken to the feeling of her hair being brushed out of her face. Fluttering eyelids open to Karlie, peering upon her while gently caressing her cheek.

“Are you okay?” Taylor asks, voice raspy from just being asleep.

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Karlie pauses her thumb's movement against Taylor’s cheek.

“It’s okay. Can’t sleep?” Taylor pulls her hand out from under the covers and brings it up to cover Karlie’s. She intertwines their fingers, brings Karlie's hand up to her lips and presses a gentle kiss against it, before bringing it down and holding it between the two of them.

“Mmm. Just thinking.”

Taylor tries to decipher the look on Karlie’s face, but it’s unlike one she’s seen before.

“What about?” Taylor asks, a bit tentatively.

Karlie doesn’t say anything for a moment. She sighs.

“You’re my best friend,” she breathes out.

Taylor’s eyebrows furrow. Karlie’s eyes dart between hers and Taylor suddenly gets it. The static feeling that has been charging through her entire body any time Karlie looks at her lately. The thing she hasn’t been able to put into words. It’s all right there in front of her, wrapped up within the look she’s getting from Karlie right now.

“I love you,” Taylor says without hesitation. “I’m in love with you, Karlie.”

Karlie’s breath hitches, then a wide grin spreads across her face.

“Good. Because I’m in love with you too, Taylor.”

“Yeah? You love me?” Taylor scrunches her nose in disbelief.

Karlie giggles, “Yeah. I love you.”

They stare at each other for a moment, processing the weight of their feelings, before their lips meet.

As their mouths move against one another Taylor throws a leg over Karlie to straddle her waist. Taylor’s lips move from Karlie’s mouth to her neck, as she places kisses all along its length.

“Taylor, if you keep this up, we’re going to have to burn these sheets,” Karlie sighs out as Taylor grinds down into her.

“Burn them,” Taylor says biting down on Karlie’s earlobe.                                                                                                           

“Fuck, okay then,” Karlie replies, before flipping them over.

They spend the rest of the night exchanging kisses and sensual touches and those three words back and forth, until the sun comes up.

Taylor
Pauses, then says…

Karlie
You’re my best friend.

Taylor
And I knew what it was.

Karlie
I was in love.

Taylor
Fuck, Karlie. Now I’m sad.

Karlie
Is that better or worse than mad?

Taylor
I don’t know anymore.

Karlie
Well, I hate to tell you this but the next one is probably going to make you sad in a different way.

Taylor
Karlie Fucking Kloss. You’re going to be the death of me.

Karlie
Will you keep haunting me after you’re gone?

Taylor
I thought you were the one haunting me.

Karlie
Mutual ghost invasions.

Taylor
Mmm. So, how bad is it?

Karlie
Depends on if your brain does the spiral thing.

Taylor
My brain’s totally going to do the spiral thing.

Karlie
Likely.

Taylor
Karlieeee.

Karlie
I’m here, though.

Taylor
Ugh. Okay. Go ahead.

Note 80.
September 9, 2022  

We celebrated my 30^th birthday earlier this week, finally having a party for the big 3-0. I’m just getting around to posting the pictures, but I can’t help but think about the weird heavy cloud that hangs over my head each time anyone “celebrates” my birthday, considering what happened the last birthday I had when we were still together.

I was away traveling with Josh for his work and I came back late on the 2^nd and while you gave me the best hug when I walked in the door, you said you were exhausted and decided to go up to bed just a few minutes later. I was disappointed you didn’t want to hang out and catch up, but I understood you had been overly drained those last few months.

I remember waking up the next day, and you weren’t next to me. At first I thought you were downstairs cooking up some breakfast, but it felt eerily quiet. By the time I did my morning routine, got ready and checked downstairs, I realized you were really gone. Nothing but a short note left on the counter.

“At the studio with Jack. Will text. <3 Taylor.”

The thing is, you didn’t text. I didn’t hear from you all day. I spent most of the day pacing, wondering if you were planning some sort of surprise… or if you were possibly upset with me. I remember thinking through all the things that had gone on the past few days. Were you mad because I was with Josh? But you’d never punish me for that. You’d especially not do so on my birthday. I wasn’t sure, but when you wouldn’t answer any of my texts or calls I decided to go see you.

I don’t know if I can put into words the feeling I had when I was standing in that studio, silently begging you to notice me. I think deep down inside, I knew it was the beginning of an unraveling I was terrified to witness. It was like this giant chip in our framework.

Seemingly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but it echoed so loud through my body— am I losing her?

A rip so small but so foundational that it shook me to my core— am I not important enough… to notice?

An isolated incident that sent me slipping into isolation— is she falling out of love with me?

I should have told you then. I should have warned you. I should have screamed that this was a big flashing warning sign for us and that the way I was feeling inside was… terrifying. But admitting that you were making me feel unimportant somehow scared me more. And I would tiptoe around the real conversation for months to come… until we exploded. And by that time, you had faded so much there was no waking you.

This one was hard. Celebrating a milestone birthday without the person I love… but also still so haunted by 27. I can’t believe the dial of time keeps on turning.

Would you have made this one special? Would you have made up for your mistake?

Knock. Knock.  

“Hey Jack, can you get that? I’m trying to get these notes right,” Taylor says, biting down on the side of her pencil, eyes scanning over the sheet music in front of her.  

“You got it, dude.”

Jack hops over his bag and grabs the door handle, turning it to open the door.  

“Oh! Hey, Karlie!” He says, gesturing her into the studio.

“Hey Jack,” Karlie says with a smile as she walks past him, “I brought you some cookies,” she continues as she lifts the canister of baked goods she’s holding.

“Taylor, your girlfriend is the BESTTTT!” he shouts as he grabs the cookies, “also damn girl, you look nice!”

At that, Taylor finally lifts her gaze from her sheet music and removes the pencil from her mouth.

She looks up to see Karlie in a short black dress, heels, and a face full of makeup (but done so well, it still appeared natural).

“Oh, wow babe, you going out with the girls tonight?”

Karlie’s smile slightly falters, “Oh… um, yeah,” she says, “are you going to be a while?”

“Cool. Yeah, we’ll be about another two hours or so, but I’ll text you when we’re out. Have fun, babe.”

Taylor looks back at her paper and begins jotting something down.

Karlie looks at her then over to Jack, who has half a cookie shoved in his mouth and is holding another one. He just shrugs.

“Okay, well… hope it goes well,” Karlie says and walks out, closing the door behind her.

An hour and a half later and Taylor is sipping on her water, washing down the cookie she just finished.

“Okay, Jack. You wanna switch gears? I want to start brainstorming a re-record timeline.”

“Oh! Yessss. Hold on.”

Jack stumbles to the corner of the studio, fumbling around searching for something.

“Aha!” he says as he comes running back to the small table Taylor awaits for him at.

“Is that a tape recorder? What year is that from!?” Taylor says with a laugh.

“Don’t worry about it. This is history in the making. We must record these sessions.”

Taylor rolls her eyes, “Whatever you say.”

She grabs her planning notebook and pen and opens to the next blank page, as Jack hits record.

“Planning Session A: TS 1-6 re-records,” Jack says into the recording device, causing Taylor to smile and shake her head at his antics, “Today’s date: August 3rd, 2019. Time: 8:30 PM.”

Taylor’s smile drops as she freezes.

“What did you just say?”

“Planning Session A—“

“No Jack, what did you just say the date was?”

“August thir— huh!” Jack gasps, “Oh you are so fucked, Taylor.

“It is not August 3rd,” she says looking around frantically. “Shit, give me your phone, I think I left mine at home.”

She grabs the phone and sees the big bold numbers screaming right into her stupid face: 8/3/2019.

“FUCK!” Taylor jumps to her feet. “No, no, no. When the hell did it become August, Jack??”

Jack watches as Taylor paces, “3 days ago, I think,” he says as he takes a bite of another cookie.

“Oh my god. That’s why she was here. I didn’t have my phone. Oh my god. Jack, unlock your phone.”

“Hmm?” He mumbles through a cookie.

“Unlock your damn phone, Jack!”

“Alright alright, easy.”

She pulls up Karlie’s number and presses the call button. The line rings once. Twice. Three times.

“Come on, come on, pick up.”

Seven times. Eight times.

“Hey, it’s Karlie! Leave me a memo and I’ll be sure to get back to ya! Muah!”

“No, no, no.”

She dials again. Straight to voicemail.

“Fuck me!” she screams.

“I don’t think that will help the situation,” Jack chimes in, “and we’re really not each other’s type.”

“Shut. Up. Jack… fuck, fuck, fuck. Cara! I know Cara’s number!”

Thank god she’s got a weirdass brain that allows her to memorize numbers. She frantically dials and puts the phone up to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Cara! Oh thank god. It’s Taylor.”

“Taylor. You fucking asshole.”

“Cara, I know. You’re with her, right? Please let me talk to her.”

“Hold on.”

Taylor hears shuffling and murmuring and more shuffling, then what sounds like the opening and closing of a door.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you. I can’t exactly blame her.”

“Oh my god. Cara, I’m such an idiot. Is she okay?”

“No, Taylor. She’s been on and off crying on her birthday because her girlfriend, Miss ‘I can write a million songs about you but fuck if I remember the day you entered into this world’ is a selfish little prick. How does she end up making YOU cookies on HER birthday? Did you even thank her?”

“I— oh my god, no, I don’t think I did.”

“Wow, you really do suck.”

“Thanks, Cara.”

“Oh look! You do know what that word sounds like! Jesus, Taylor. I love you, kid, but what the actual fuck are you doing? This is Karlie, we’re talking about.”

“I’ve been busy! Things with work have been awful. You know that. I swear I didn’t even know it was August!”

“Taylor, I’m going to be real with you here. You won, okay? You won the girlfriend award. Like holy shit, dude. You’re awesome, but she’s KARLIE. And I love you two together but if you keep mucking this up I’ll have no problem stepping right in there and taking her from you.”

“Fuck you, Cara!” Taylor spits, furiously, raging jealousy spiking.

“Does that scare you? It fucking should. You’re lucky she’s obsessed with you. But my god, if you keep hurting her I will cunt punt you straight to the moon.”

“You’re making me out to be some kind of monster, Cara! I forgot ONE time!”

“Taylor, did you see her outfit?”

“What? Yeah, she stopped by earlier.”

“You let her walk away from you in that? Did you tell her how fucking gorgeous she looked?”

Taylor’s shoulders drop.

“Did you tell her she looked good after all that effort? Because sweet, innocent Karlie, she thought maybe you made dinner reservations. Because you’d been so surprisingly quiet about her birthday. And you never forget ‘ANYTHING,’ Taylor. So yeah. You missed one fucking day. And it happens to be the one fucking day that matters. I love you but get your shit together, Swift. Now, I need to go take care of your girl.”

And with that, Cara hangs up, leaving Taylor speechless.

Taylor rushes to gather her things.

“Can I keep the cookies?” Jack asks.

“Jack, you smoked like an entire blunt. Please eat the cookies. But also like, order some real food or something? I gotta go.”

She throws open the studio door and follows her security out the main building door as she rushes home.

Once inside, she runs to find her phone upstairs, tucked under her pillow from the morning, dead. She bolts downstairs to the kitchen and places it on her charger.

She scrambles through the cabinets, gathering ingredients to make a cake and preheats the oven.

She whips together each part at lightning speed, and pops the cake pan in the oven.

She runs to the guest bathroom and grabs a bin of candles and makes her way into the living room, placing them all around. She lights them and moves to the vinyl player, throwing on Carly Simon’s greatest hits.

She dims the living room lights and walks down the hall to the storage closet and pulls out her party supply bin. She grabs a Happy Birthday sign, and a couple streamers, and searches around for leftover birthday candles.

“Perfect!” She says to herself as she grabs a 2 and a 7 from her birthday two and a half years prior. She finds two birthday hats and grabs them too.

After finding tape in the kitchen drawer, she tapes up the Happy Birthday sign and streamers across the kitchen entryway. She finishes up just as the timer for the oven goes off.

She pulls out the cake and places it on top of the stove.

“Please for the love of god, cool quickly. Good thing you only need a top layer of icing,” she huffs.

She grabs her phone from the charger, now fully charged and on again, and sees a slew of notifications of missed calls and texts, but she only cares to check the ones from Karlie.

Karlie (8:50 AM)
Babe! You left without saying bye. I thought somebody took you until I saw your note!! How long will you be at the studio today?

Karlie (11:36 AM)
Hey, are we doing anything tonight? Cara asked if we wanted to go out together?

Karlie (1:48 PM)
I guess you’re pretty busy. Hope you’re cooking up something good! You always are, my little genius. But, do you think you can call me when you have a moment? I promise I won’t keep you long.  

Missed Call Karlie (3: 52 PM)
Missed Call Karlie (4:49 PM)
Missed Call Karlie (5:38 PM)

Taylor swallows. She feels sick to her stomach. Where the hell was her brain today?

Karlie (5:44 PM)
Your phone’s going straight to voicemail now and I’m getting kind of worried. Thinking it probably died while you and Jack were doing your thing. But I’m going to swing by the studio just to make sure you’re alright! I made you some cookies when I was all nervous since I didn’t hear from ya. :) They’re Jack’s favorite. And I’m bringing you a dress because we’re going out to dinner, babe!

Taylor slaps herself in the forehead.

“When did I become the world’s biggest asshole?”

The familiar sound of a key turning in the door startles her out of her current bout of self-hatred.

She puts her phone down and runs to the kitchen counter, grabbing the birthday hats and throwing one on herself as she slides across the slick floor and into the entryway just as Karlie walks through the door.

“Karlie! Happy Birthday!”

She runs up to her and puts the other birthday hat on top of the tall model’s head and drags her into the kitchen by her hand.

“The cake isn’t ready yet. I’m sorry, but I was just about to start icing it. And I’ll move the furniture so we can dance!” She rushes out, pointing to the candle-lit living room, where ‘you’re so vain’ echoes throughout the illuminated walls.

“I’ll dance with you all night! I’ve got plenty of Motown, too. And I thought it’d be fun if we built a fort, what do you think? A castle fort for my birthday queen, whataya say?”

Taylor turns to face the woman she’s been dragging around, desperately trying to break the ice by speaking quickly and offering as many solutions as possible to fix her giant hiccup.

But when she finally does have the courage to look into those eyes that she’s grown to love so very much, she sees a hurt that she knows will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Kar…” she says softly, “I’m so, so sorry, baby.”

Karlie drops Taylor’s hand and pulls the birthday hat off, tossing it on the counter.

“I’m going to bed,” she says.

“Baby—“

“I’m sleeping in the guest room tonight.”

“What? Karlie, no.”

“I can’t look at you right now. I’m just… I’m so hurt,” she says as she looks down toward her feet.

Taylor tries to move closer to the taller woman but the model retreats and crosses her arms across her chest, signaling how closed off she really is to Taylor right now and it stabs the older woman right through the heart.

Taylor sighs, as if admitting defeat to herself.

“Baby. I know. I know I screwed up so bad. I was just so distracted. You know how things have been lately.”

“I really don’t want to hear excuses, Taylor. I didn’t even expect anything. I just thought we could at least have dinner together or heaven forbid, thought I’d get a simple ‘Happy Birthday’ wish from you.”

“I know, I know. I’m not trying to make excuses. This is totally on me. But I swear to God, I thought it was still July. I really didn’t realize the date. You know I know your birthday! I’ve been sneaking 8s and 3s into my work since I first laid eyes on you!”

“Taylor. You couldn’t even bother to greet me when I stopped by today.”

Taylor sighs.

“Yeah. That was… I was just in my creative Headspace. But that’s no excuse. You deserve better than that.”

Karlie nods, lips tight together.

“Kar… how can I make it up to you? What if we celebrate this weekend? I’ll throw you a huge party. I’ll—“

“Taylor, I don’t want that.”

“Oh,” Taylor responds, shoulders deflating, as every solution she tries to find gets shot down.

“I just want to forget this day ever happened. Anything you do is only going to remind me of how fucking sad you made me feel. I’d rather not relive this, thanks.”

She turns around and starts heading up the stairs.

“Karlie… please don’t go to the guest room.”

Karlie pauses.

“Fine.”

Taylor smiles, feeling hopeful that she can snuggle her way back into good graces.

“You can sleep there, then. I don’t want you next to me tonight.”

And with that she continues up the stairs, leaving a dumbstruck Taylor.

When Karlie awakens the next morning, she feels the stickiness of dried tears and she knows her eyes are surely swollen. She didn’t sleep well. She never does when Taylor isn’t next to her. And maybe that was her choice last night, but it didn’t make it suck any less.

She gets up to wash her face and brush her teeth. She changes into her clothes and does her morning skincare routine.

She grabs her phone and opens the door to the hallway, only to freeze in place when she sees Taylor sprawled across the floor at the foot of the doorway, head on a pillow, a tiny blanket covering her, and Olivia curled up next to her head.

Karlie feels her lips curl into a small smile and she kicks lightly at the pillow.

Olivia meows at the sudden movement and runs off as Taylor stirs awake.

She blinks up at Karlie, who looks scarily tall from such a low angle.

“What are you doing?” Karlie asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.

“I… I’m sorry, I know you said to sleep in the guest bedroom. I just didn’t want to be that far from you.”

Karlie stares down at her. Taylor blinks up with tired eyes, eyes that clearly had their own water works show after she went to bed last night.

“I’m so mad at you.”

“Deserved.”

“So why do you have to be so cute?”

“Definitely Andrea’s genes.”

“Oh, for sure.”

Karlie continues to stare down at her, sleepy eyes looking into hers, begging for this to be the olive branch she needs.

“Get up. You’re singing me happy birthday and we’re having cake for breakfast. And we’re doing anything I want today. And I don’t want to hear a single complaint.”

Taylor scrambles to her feet, slightly unsteady as she attempts to wake up.

“Yes, ma’am. Absolutely. Anything you want. And might I say I offer fantastic lingual services,” she says with a salute.

“Don’t push it. You’re still in the doghouse.”

“Shutting up now.”

“Good choice,” Karlie says as she walks down the hallway, leaving Taylor to follow along behind her like an anxious puppy.

Taylor’s hands are shaking at the memory of that day. She does her best to block it out sometimes. Pretends it never happened. Internally prays to the heavens that Karlie has forgotten about it. Knows she never will. But she tries her best to let it only haunt her one day a year.

Taylor types… then erases… then types… then erases. She can’t express what she needs to via text. Any kind of apology for this would sound cheap through a text.

She goes to Karlie’s contact and presses the call icon. She waits anxiously for the sound of the other woman’s voice.

“Hey, Tay.” Karlie answers, sweetly. As if she hadn’t just dropped a painful bomb into the mix. And as Taylor finds the courage within herself to say what she needs to say, she can’t help but notice the warmth she feels at just the sound of Karlie’s voice.

“Karlie. I am so fucking sorry for that. It is my biggest regret. I have never forgiven myself.”

“Taylor—”

“No, Karlie. I need you to know this. That was so awful of me. It was one of my most self-centered moments and it eats at me constantly. I thought I’d have the rest of our lives to make it up to you. I thought I’d be able to eventually pile so many good memories onto it that it would sink so low in importance, you’d barely recall it. I spent the next few months jotting down ideas in my journals of all the places I’d take you for your birthdays in the future. I never imagined we wouldn’t celebrate another one together.”

It's silent on the other end of the phone and Taylor’s heart is racing in anticipation of what the other woman might have to say. When she hears nothing in response, she knows Karlie is processing. But it’s killing her that there are other things written in that note that she can’t swallow.

“You thought I was falling out of love with you?” Taylor chokes out just above a whisper.

Taylor hears Karlie clear her throat on the other end, the telltale sign Karlie doesn’t want to cry but she could. Taylor doesn’t want to make her cry. She also doesn’t want to burst into tears. Both might happen.

“Karlie, that’s so not… Karlie, please say something.”

“I wasn’t sure.”

“How could you think that? You were my world.”

“Was I?” It comes out sharp and Taylor is taken aback by it.

“You—” she considers her words carefully, “To me, you were.”

“Mmm. To you. Heaven forbid a world exists outside your own head, Taylor.”

Taylor wants to be pissed at the insinuation, but she’s finding herself more confused than anything.

“I don’t understand. You broke up with me because of your birthday? But you left months later?”

“Taylor,” Karlie sighs, “That’s not why. It was just the beginning of a lot of things I couldn’t let slide anymore.”

“Okay,” Taylor responds, “Are you going to tell me what things?”

Karlie sighs again, “Taylor, there’s more in the coming notes, but I need you to be a bit more open-minded to the fact your perspective of what was going on at the time may have been a bit skewed due to what you were going through. I do not want to go down this road to just point out what you did wrong. It wasn’t all your fault. It wasn’t all mine. It was a cumulation of things, and I just want to explain my perspective and try to better understand yours. But I need you to recognize that you’re probably going to read and hear things that you won’t want to.”

Taylor takes a moment to digest what Karlie is saying to her.

“I… really hurt you, didn’t I?”

“Yes. You did. But I know I hurt you in return.”

Taylor swallows.

“I’m sorry, Karlie. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know. I never wanted to hurt you either. Life is annoyingly painful sometimes.”

It’s silent for a few moments, but not awkward. It’s as if they’ve hit this turning point of acceptance. They know they’re in for a battle. But they’re both silently agreeing to partake in it.

“While you have me, shall we just go through this next note together? A little read aloud sesh?” Taylor asks, trying to lighten the mood.

Karlie laughs, “Why not? Here, let me send it to you.”

Taylor waits patiently till she feels the buzz. She opens up the note.

“Okay. Read to me, Kloss.”

“Seriously?"

"Dead seriously."

"Fine. Note 79. August 3, 2022.”

“Well, fuck. Here we go again,” Taylor says.

“Don’t interrupt,” Karlie says seriously, but Taylor can hear the smile in her voice. It makes her smile, as well.

“Apologies. Carry on, Dear Reader.”

“The sun has officially set on my twenties. Levi and I watched the sun go down together last night. It was bittersweet to be able to watch a sunset with someone I love so much, for the first time since being with you.

Sunsets too often bring back the memory of you and I on the roof deck of your Rhode Island house.

I’ve been rolling around in bed ever since I checked my phone at midnight. Every year since we broke up, I check for a message from you at midnight on my birthday. I know if you were to say anything, you’d make sure to say it first. You would never risk missing it again. I never expect to see one. But I also secretly hope it’ll appear.

That was 2 hours ago. It’s 2 AM and the sheets are making me too hot, but then when they’re off it’s too cold, and I can’t get comfortable, and my head keeps replaying your stupid song. The part on repeat is, ‘Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks…’”

“Wait, wait, wait.”

“Taylor, I said don’t interrupt.”

“No, you gotta sing that part.”

“Taylor.”

“Do it right, Kloss.”

“The part on repeat is, ‘Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks…’ Because of course I remember you. I’ll never forget you. The beginning is always a bit exciting with new couples, but with us? It was electric.”

Taylor notices they’ve reached the end of the note, but waits a beat to make sure Karlie has nothing further to say.

“God, Karlie.”

“What?”

“You’re so bad at singing.”

Karlie bursts out laughing, “I hate you so much.”

“I loved watching that sunset with you in Rhode Island.”

“Me too.”

“Wow, Taylor. I can’t believe you own this place,” Karlie says, as she walks out onto the small rooftop deck, at the highest point of the house. She holds back the sliding door, allowing Taylor to walk through it with two glasses of wine in hand, before closing it behind them.  

“I know. It’s so weird. But the history of this place is so cool, too. I am ready to go full blown Rebekah Harkness.”

Taylor walks over to the railing and Karlie follows behind her.

“As you should,” Karlie says, taking the glass of wine from Taylor’s outstretched hand.

“Cheers,” she says, lifting the glass to meet Taylor’s but Taylor pulls hers back before they clink.

“To what, though? You gotta say what we’re cheers-ing.” Taylor says with a smirk on her face.

“To many more weekends here,” Karlie says with a smile.

“Together?” Taylor asks.

“Of course,” the model eyes Taylor curiously, awaiting the other blonde to meet her glass that is currently lingering midair.

“For how long?” Taylor asks, more quietly.

“What do you mean?” the taller woman asks.

“To many more weekends… for how long?”

“For years and years to come,” Karlie answers with a soft smile to which Taylor returns.

“I’ll cheers to that,” Taylor says and their glasses finally meet.

They each take a sip from their glasses, eyes locking over the rims.

Taylor removes her glass from her mouth, sucks in her lips, eyes flashing downward then returning up to Karlie’s. Karlie’s never flinch, even as she removes the glass from her mouth and swallows the wine, her eyes stay laser focused on Taylor’s.

Taylor clears her throat and turns her head to the side to put her glass of wine down on the flat railing.

She looks back to Karlie, her eyes still penetrating her.

“What?” Taylor asks, crossing and uncrossing her arms in front of herself as Karlie’s eyes move down her body.

“I really like that dress,” Karlie says.

“Uh—thank you,” Taylor responds looking down and back up to Karlie. She did try and up her dress game a bit this evening so she could get Karlie’s attention, but now she’s blushing and being awkward about it and— “It’s… nice,” she says, unsure if her brain was trying to say she thought the dress was nice or it was nice of Karlie to compliment her, but it’s what rolled out of her mouth.

Karlie giggles, “It is nice. A very nice dress…” Karlie moves toward Taylor and tugs at the fabric near her abdomen, “to match my very nice dress wearer.”

“Is that all I am to you?” Taylor says, regaining some composure, “Your dress wearer??”

“Well, it’s also a very pretty dress for my very pretty girlfriend,” Karlie says with a wide, confident smile and sparkling eyes.

“It concerns me how charming you can be with such little vocabulary,” Taylor huffs.

“Excuse me!? Did you just say I have a small vocabulary?” Karlie asks, eyebrows shooting up.

Taylor’s eyes widen and her cheeks flush.

“No! Oh my god, no. I meant like, you can pack a punch with just a few words.”

Karlie stares her down with an unreadable look on her face.

“I— shit, I’m so sorry, Karlie. I swear I didn’t mean it, like, condescendingly. You have a great vocabulary!” Taylor stumbles over words trying to right the misunderstanding, cheeks growing redder by the second.

Karlie laughs, “I knew what you meant. I just wanted to see you squirm.”

“Oh, you’re such an ass!” Taylor says and knocks Karlie in the shoulder playfully.

“I thought I was concerningly charming!?” Karlie rebuts, feigning offense.

“Never said that,” Taylor says.

“Yes, you did!” Karlie points to her.

“Did not.”

Taylor holds her hands up in protest.

“Did too,” Karlie pokes at Taylor’s chest.

“Sounds like something you made up.”

“Taylor!”

“That’s coming from your overly confident brain. Something I’d only say in your wildest dreams.”

“Oh, whatever,” Karlie eyerolls, “says the girl who was just beet red in the cheeks.”

The tall model takes a sip of her wine and then places it down next to Taylor’s.

“I was NOT beet red.”

“You are such a little liar!” Karlie laughs.

Taylor smirks and shakes her head, “Nope.”

Karlie grabs Taylor by the back of the neck abruptly, catching the singer by surprise as she pulls her in for a rough kiss. Taylor’s initial shock quickly dissipates as she melts into the other woman’s lips, wrapping her arms around Karlie’s hips to pull her flush against her. The model softly bites on Taylor’s lower lip, before releasing it and placing her forehead against the shorter blonde’s.

Their eyes meet and Karlie tightens her grip on the back of Taylor’s neck, enough to say ‘focus on me’ but not enough to be forceful or controlling.

“You can lie to everyone else, Taylor Swift. But don’t you dare start lying to me.” She says it softly, but fiercely. Not a demand, more-so a silent question hidden beneath a statement.

Taylor breathes against Karlie’s lips, “I won’t. So… fine. You are concerningly charming and I definitely said that.”

“And admit you had some rosy cheeks.”

“Karlie, that’s unfair,” Taylor looks up at her with a pout.

Karlie laughs, “Okay, fine I’ll let that one slide.”

Their lips meet again, softer this time. And Taylor feels it – the thump in her chest, the tingly knots in her stomach, the light hazy aura prickling all over her skin, the buzzing in her ears, the lump in her throat.

“I—" Taylor begins to speak against Karlie’s lips, but her mouth snaps shut and her eyes snap open.

Karlie’s a moment behind her, eyes opening as Taylor pulls away.

“You what?” Karlie asks, eyebrow raised inquisitively.

Taylor swallows. This feeling that has continued to grow since they’ve connected. She’s not sure she’s ready to assign words to it yet. She’s not sure Karlie is ready to hear words assigned to it yet.

“I am really glad you’re here,” she goes with, instead.

Karlie tilts her head, questioning. She settles on a nod and smile and, “Me too,” before turning to her side and wrapping her arm around Taylor. Taylor leans her head against Karlie’s shoulder as they take in the view of the sunset.

“I remember looking at you, thinking, ‘I’m going to lose her. I just hope she remembers this moment the way I will when it happens.’”

“You’re such a pessimist. Because I was thinking, ‘I’m going to marry this woman’!”

“Well, which one of us was right?”

“Both of us still could be.”

Taylor’s breath hitches. Her instinct is to run. But this is Karlie.

“Wouldn’t that be something,” she settles for. And they once again find themselves in a warm silence.

“Hey, Karlie?

“Yeah?”

“I need to go shower and head out for the day, but can I send you a few notes?”

“What? YOU have notes for ME??” Karlie asks, gleefully.

“Well, just four. I mean, I have a million scattered poems in my notes for you but most of them were made into songs. But yeah… I had four texts I never sent you.”

“Oh… wow, okay. Yeah, of course.”

“Okay, I’ll send them in a second. Have a good day and uh— thank you, Karlie.”

Karlie giggles and sings, “What can I say except you’re welcome?”

“Oh god, please no more. I love you, but I need to save my hearing for my shows.”

“I’d be offended if you hadn’t just said you loved me.”

“Oh, well, yeah. I um… I really do have to go, Karlie. And now I’m all flustered.”

“Goodbye, Taylor!”

With a click, Taylor is off the hook. She lets out a breath, opens up her notes and searches them by date.

She sends the four messages she’d mentioned to Karlie, throws her phone on the bed, and heads into the bathroom to take a shower.

August 3, 2020
Last saved 12:00 AM

Happy 28^th Birthday, Karlie. I’m so sorry I messed up last year. I’m sorry I’m messing up this year by not being there. I’d reach out to you, but I don’t think you want to hear from me. I wish you’d come back already. It’s been months. Are you really not coming back? I love you.

August 3, 2021
Last saved 12:00 AM

Happy 29^th Birthday, Karlie. I’m struggling with what to say this year. You’re a mom now. We haven’t spoken since you told me. That’s my fault, but it’s too hard. I’m sorry.

I’m glad you have someone who loves you as much as I do to celebrate with, even if he can’t tell you that yet.

August 3, 2022
Last saved 12:00 AM

Happy 30^th Birthday, Karlie. I hope everyone is spoiling you. I’m sorry I’m not the one doing the spoiling. You deserve everything for this turn of the decade. You’re beautiful. I miss you. I love you.

August 3, 2023
Last saved 12:00 AM

Happy 31^st Birthday, Karlie. I can’t believe you’re a mother to two. Congratulations. I’ll sing something for you tonight. I love you. I’m happy you’ve found peace.

Taylor sees the text message when she gets out of the shower.

Karlie
Oh, fuck you, Taylor Swift.

Taylor
I’m busy right now, but I’d be DTF later?

Karlie
I love you, you idiot. Don’t screw this up.

She’s really trying not to screw this up, but she's scared as hell.

Chapter Text

November 3, 2023

Taylor looks out at the crowd on the last night of The Eras Tour. She bows, waves, turns around, and walks off stage. The cheering and screaming echoes throughout the stadium. She turns to her right to see Tree Paine walking toward her, Karlie in tow, giant smile on her face. The gasps around the stadium are becoming more prominent, bracelet lights flashing different colors, the audience whispering in wonderment of what it could mean.

“Are you ready?” Tree asks.

Taylor shakes her fingers out and nods.

“Long overdue.”

Tree nods in confirmation, as Karlie steps forward. “Hey,” she says casually as she enters Taylor’s space.

Taylor giggles. “Hey, Kar.”

Karlie wraps her in a warm hug, causing the singer to sigh and lean into her. When the model pulls back, she grabs Taylor by the shoulders and gives them a squeeze.

“Now, go give them the encore they’ve all been waiting for,” Karlie whispers with a wink, “and the finale we’ve been waiting for.”

Karlie squeezes her shoulders again, before gently running her hand up the back of Taylor’s neck and pulling her in for a soft kiss, “I love you, Tay. This is it.”

Taylor takes a deep breath and smiles up at Karlie, “This is it.”

As Taylor walks back out onto the stage, guitar in hand, the crowd goes wild. Taylor looks around the stadium as the bracelets flash: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple on repeat.

Her heart races as she steps toward the microphone, puts the guitar strap over her shoulder, and breathes out.

“Hi again.” The crowd screeches and Taylor smiles, swallowing a lump in her throat. “If I could have just one more moment of your time, I’d like to sing you one last song to kickstart my brand-new era.”

Thunderings of feet and hands and cheers make their way through the crowd.

“I’d like to bring someone—”

“Taylor, stop!”

Taylor freezes at the sound of Tree in her in-ears.

“Hold on one second,” Taylor says, as she steps back from the microphone and fiddles with her ear-piece.

“Taylor. You can’t sing that song. You’ll have to sing another one.”

Taylor’s face pales. What could have gone wrong in the last 3 minutes?

“Taylor, they have a lawsuit. They found a loophole in the contract. Your lawyers are reviewing it right now, but you have to stop. I’m so sorry honey, you can’t do this right now.”

Taylor whips her head around to find Tree signaling at her. Her heart drops into her stomach. She looks to Karlie, whose arms are crossed, face emotionless.