Chapter Text
Erwin left you to work on your own on the new pile of documents he brought you for three days. It certainly was not the type of work that would take more than a day and you found yourself continuing to read the books that Hange gave you to keep yourself occupied. The only contact you had with him was at lunch and dinner, which made your connection with him feel a lot more casual than it should. You did notice, however, that even if he was warmer than you expected a commander to be, he definitely did not smile or laugh as much as Hange and Miche. Levi was not exactly a reference point. You wondered if he had to be that way, even with his close people, because there had to be some semblance of order and respect he could not breach. They all called him his first name rather affectionately, and they allowed themselves to make jokes, even about him, but you did not see the same joking behaviour from him. Hange and Miche would spend the lunchtimes giggling together, Levi would judge them from the sidelines with a slight huff, but you could see he had an affection for them. Meanwhile, Erwin only allowed himself to smile here and there. However, when he did smile, it was a full smile that reached his eyes, and his face flushed pink. It brought out the blue colour of his eyes, you noticed.
‘Oh, Levi, I wish you would eat with your squad more often.’ Hange said one day, at dinner, almost through tears as she laughed at something Miche had said ‘It gets tiring feeling guilty for laughing and enjoying life as I am eating my meal.’
Your mouth gaped open as you heard her and since you were sat diagonally from Erwin, he noticed and smiled.
‘Erwin,’ Levi ignored her ‘When are you going to give Y/n her clothes allowance? I’m fed up of looking at her in these ugly outfits.’ Of course, you were wearing Hange’s clothes still.
‘Levi…’ Erwin almost scolded him
‘What?’
You turned to Levi, who was next to you: ‘I like these clothes, Levi.’
‘I’m just trying to help you out.’ Levi shrugged and there was a slight smirk as his eyes darted towards Hange, who was still smiling. Sometimes with all the bickering between them you were worried they might really offend each other ‘There’s no need to pretend. Also, keep in mind you’ve been in the cafeteria quite a few times now. At this rate, people might think this is your actual style.’
‘Levi, I-’ You wondered why you were getting so worked up. After all, it was just a joke anyway. You just felt guilty he was pressuring Erwin to give you money
‘We’ll arrange something later.’ Erwin looked at you ‘I promise.’
As you were going to put your trays away, Erwin pulled you aside to talk.
‘I was wondering if from now on, as you go on your walk you could also bring me my post to the office.’ He said and you noticed his voice was taking on a more professional tone ‘I don’t think it will be heavy. It’s mostly just letters. If there are any heavy parcels, do not bring them. Actually, don’t bring me parcels at all, unless they’re so light you can carry them with one hand.’ You kept on nodding as you were taking the instructions in ‘The post is usually left with the porter and they keep the stack delivered to me in a special section. I’ve told them who you are, they should give it to you with no problem. Also, it might be useful to show you the office.’
‘Alright.’
On that day, you went to retrieve his post and you were able to carry the stack of letters just fine.
You went to his office and knocked on the door. He answered in an exhausted tone, calling you in. As you opened the door, you noticed he was surprised to see you, straightening up.
‘What is it?’
‘I brought you your post.’ You entered the room, smiling. He was surprised to see you smile. It was as if the awkwardness that invaded every conversation prior had evaporated from you. You actually seemed happy to be there.
‘Oh, yes!’ He smiled back, despite his exhausted eyes and stood up
You approached him and readied the stack in both hands. The room was quite dark, so you could not see everything very well.
‘I know I told you I’ll show you around, but this is not the best time.’ He said ‘The daytime is preferable for this.’ You nodded ‘Are there any parcels you left behind?’
‘No, sir.’ You said and immediately got flustered as you saw the negative reaction on his face ‘No, Erwin.’ You smiled in embarrassment. This was the first time you called him that. You never used his name at lunch or dinner and you tried your best to not even use it with others when he was not around. It just felt foreign in your mouth, like you would be reprimanded if you dared to, even if he allowed it.
‘Is it that difficult to stick to first names? You do it with everyone else.’ He raised his eyebrows and there was palpable disappointment in his voice. He took the stack from your hands and placed it on the desk.
‘No, Erwin, there is no instruction I cannot follow, so I’ll call you whatever you want. Promise.’
You saw the way his eyes lifted up towards you. There was shock. A pause. His hands were still frozen on the stack he placed on the desk. In reality, you hadn’t said anything shocking, but when you saw the way he inhaled, you realised what you said really affected him. Your face was hot all over. Seeing him embarrassed in your presence did something to you.
‘Should I go now?’
‘Yes, I’ll bring you new work tomorrow.’
For the next five days you did more or less the same thing. You did the easiest work possible in your room, brought Erwin his post and went on walks with Hange, with Miche joining from time to time. You and Hange had started hanging out pretty much every day, even in the mornings. You would go to each other’s rooms or her department and chat about the books she gave you. You also started walking outside on the square in front of the Scouts’ headquarters. The square was often crowded with people, so you had to be careful not to bump into somebody and worsen your injury. Erwin still hadn’t shown you around the office, but he did show you your own. He did not require you to stay there yet, since you might still feel discomfort in your chest.
On the sixth day, you had finally managed to wash your own skirt and top to wear, so this was the first time since you moved here that you wore your own outfit. You could not lie, you looked much better in this than in Hange’s clothes. You actually felt attractive, while wearing it and it showed in the way you met people’s gazes, the way you smiled and your gait.
You delivered the post Erwin received for the day, this time holding the letters in one hand and a small parcel in the other. No heavier than you could carry in one hand, as agreed. As you walked into his office, the way you held the parcel and the swivel of your hips caused him to reminisce about the night you first met at the tavern.
‘Thank you.’ He said ‘Please go and ask Hange to give you the report she promised for today. She’ll know what I mean.’
He watched you walk away, feeling guilty for having his gaze linger.
Then he decided to turn his attention to the pile of letters you left. As he was going through it, he found one that was not addressed to anyone. It was a folded piece of paper, wrapped in all four directions by a tied black thread that formed a cross. It was strange, so it made him open it first.
He assumed it was for him, but as he opened it, he saw it was addressed to you. Then his eyes darted to the bottom and he saw it was from Jan.
He could not deny that it was wrong, but he was too curious, so he started reading, his sense of guilt getting stronger as he was reading each line.
‘Dear Y/n,
I am deeply hurt by the way you abandoned me and threw everything we had away as if it was nothing. I did not know I was so easily replaceable.
I saved you from hunger, homelessness and your grief when your parents died, but you left me without saying a word.
I’m sure you’re lying to Smith the same way now. I cannot believe how easily you can fake your feelings to get what you want. I was such a fool. I thought the love in your eyes was genuine. I thought your gratitude was genuine, but now you must look at him the same way. I loved you and you lied to me.
All of those words, all of those nights meant nothing to you.
I certainly hope you will never need me, because I will not be a fool again.
Jan’
Erwin realised the hand that held the letter was shaking. He knew he had no right to read it. He had no time to think, so he focused on getting it back the way it was - folded and tied by the thread. He put it back in the pile and tried to control himself. It was not clear to him why he was shaking, he wasn’t even sure what he felt. Of course, it irritated him to know there was something between you two, but then he really started to think. For the letter to reach him, Jan must have said it was for him, and it was not addressed for a reason. Jan wanted him to read it. It was all an intentional attempt to sully you in his eyes. Now most things in the letter sounded suspicious. If he was so great, you would not have left him, if he was so great, he would have protected you against Ritch. Well, didn’t he? He tried to fight him off. But he didn’t want to help you get treated. He didn’t care about the way Ritch treated you.
Erwin was really doubting himself now. Should he address the letter to you to avoid you thinking he read it? No, because his handwriting would be different. Should he untie the string? He would have to have opened it to realise it was for you, so he might as well. A few minutes after he untied it, he heard your footsteps approaching.
‘Y/n, there is a letter left for you here. I’m sorry, it wasn’t addressed to anyone and I assumed it was for me. I opened it, but I did not read it.’
You were incredibly confused, but also did not exactly believe him.
‘Who’s it from?’ You asked, trying to not seem irritated by the situation
He simply passed it to you. You tucked the report Hange gave you under your armpit and started reading. As your eyes moved down the page, reading the tone of indignation you decided to check who it was from at the bottom. Embarrassment hit your face, your cheeks felt so warm and your hands felt weak.
‘You really did not read it?’ You said quietly and he shook his head
‘I swear, I did not.‘
You continued reading down the page to yourself, and you could not believe Jan had decided to embarrass you like this. Of course, most of the letter was a lie. You did not tell him you love him, kiss him or spend any nights with him. You most certainly did not look at Erwin the way you looked at Jan.
‘It’s all a lie, just so you know. If you did read it, I want you to know it’s a lie.’
‘I believe you.’
‘Jan sent this. He must have stalked me and seen me walking around. I assume he is jealous and wanted to sabotage me. But I swear, there isn’t anything true here.’
‘Well, you did abandon him without saying a word.’
‘And you think I am a bad person?’
‘No, not at all.’ His face appeared warm, but he was avoiding smiling ‘I am just saying, perhaps he was really in love with you and his feelings were hurt. Now he’s lashing out. Don’t worry, it won’t affect your position here. But we should be more careful about you going out on your own because he might be violent.’
You did not want this situation to lead to anyone exercising more control over you. You did not know Erwin perfectly well, so you did not feel comfortable with him making decisions about your life. For example, if he wanted you to be accompanied everywhere with the pretext of keeping you safe, you would run away immediately.
‘He is not violent.’ You said folding the letter angrily ‘But he is petty. He also likes to gossip. He might tell the others where I am.’
‘Well, I would recommend you don’t go out much on your own in the next few weeks. Especially because the expedition is coming up, and if I am not here to protect you…’
‘Right…’ You said, almost cynically
‘Y/n. I really do think this is serious. I mean he is serious enough to show you he knows where you live.’
You ignored what he was saying and put the report down on his desk.
‘Can I go?’
‘Yes.’
Once again, he watched you walk away and noticed, the anger added something to your walk that made it even more attractive.
A few days passed with more of the same. Hange had come for your regular morning meet-up, just as you were getting ready to go to Erwin. He had told you to arrive at a specific hour for the first time that day and you were in a rush. Your eyes lit up when you realised she had brought you tea. You couldn’t even remember the last time you had tea, especially with a friend.
‘I love you so much for this, but it seems like this morning Erwin actually wants me to show up at eight o’clock and I cannot afford to be late on the first day when I have an hour set.’ You said as you went back to getting ready.
‘Y/n, as much as I wish this was a completely selfless gesture,’ she put the teacup on the cupboard next to the door ‘I am doing this because I want something from you.’
You turned back, surprised.
‘I need one of the books I gave you. That copy is very special to me and I hadn’t realised I gave it to you.’
‘Oh, of course!’ You looked down at your skirt, dusting it off. You wore your own skirt, but one of her shirts ‘Which book is it?’ You looked at the clock and you had five minutes to go ‘You know what, you go through them since you would know. I have put one of the books in the outside pocket of my coat back here.’ You showed her the back of the door ‘I am heading out.’
Meanwhile, Erwin could tell there was a change within you. You kept your demeanour polite, but he could tell your eyes did not show the same warmth towards him.
He was starting to feel stuck. He wanted to spend time with you, away from everybody else. Something more special, but also not special enough to confirm any potential suspicions he was attracted to you. He wanted to win your trust again, maybe even your attraction towards him. As you were in his office way before lunch, he thought it was the perfect opportunity.
‘There’s a bakery nearby, that sells nice breakfast and lunch options. If you want to join me and see what they have, you can come. I might ask you to pick something up from there at some point, so it would be good for you to know where it is.’ That is the reason why he called you in so early. He assumed you would be hungry.
You smiled and nodded.
‘But I need to get my coat.’ You didn’t need it only to shield against the cold. You decided that since Jan might be lurking around, it would be useful to have the gun as some semblance of protection, or something to threaten him with.
The walk out of the building was slightly awkward, because it was difficult sticking to small talk topics when both of you wanted to delve deeper. It was also difficult for you to understand what was appropriate to ask. What you didn’t know was that he was struggling with the same thoughts about you.
You walked with him through the square, on the way to the bakery. The weather was colder than you expected, so you unfolded the collar of your coat and raised it up to keep your chest and neck warm. He thought he should probably offer you something of his to warm you up, but he knew people would talk and even that might be inappropriate. He turned to look at you, as you were snuggling in your coat, not realising how adorable you looked.
‘Y/n!’ You heard a familiar voice shout your name from Erwin’s direction. You turned towards it and saw that Erwin was already looking at you. His head then also turned in the voice’s direction.
It was Jan. He was walking towards you with a briskness that could only point to anger. He stopped a few steps away and you noticed Erwin stepped closer to him, as if to get in between.
‘What are you doing here?’ Jan asked you, his eyebrows furrowed
‘What are you doing here?’ You asked back
‘No, you don’t get to ask me that. I thought he had kidnapped you, or killed you.’
Erwin turned towards you when he heard that, but you could not read his face.
‘No, I’m fine.’
‘And why did you not come back?’ Jan asked and as you were about to answer he interrupted you ‘I’m hurt. I thought we had something special.’
‘I was also hurt. When I was underpaid, overworked and unprotected.’ You crossed your arms ‘And what was it that was special between us?’
‘We were practically engaged. What are you talking about? You wore my mother’s ring!’ He stepped forward and you stepped back ‘Everybody in the neighbourhood knew that you were wearing it.’
You stood there silent for a moment, arms still crossed. Erwin was looking at Jan, and you could not see his face.
‘Jan, are you-’ You were going to ask him if he was mad, but because you actually feared that he was, you decided against it ‘Are you being serious? You never proposed! I was using the ring to pretend I am married to a made-up man. How could anyone think we were engaged?’
‘What about our kiss, though?’ Jan asked, full of indignation
Erwin did not turn to look at you.
‘You kissed me. I rejected you and then you pretended you thought I was someone else. You were drunk out of your mind and I was sober. I think I remember better than you do.’
Erwin turned slowly to you and once again you could not read his face.
‘What are you doing here?’ He asked again and you were getting more confused. He could see the confusion, so he added ‘Do you live with him? Do you work with him? What are you doing here?’
You held the collar of your coat closer to your chest, as if to protect yourself from your own anxiety. You didn’t want to admit you worked for Erwin because that would also reveal where you live and even if you just worked here, he would know where you spend the majority of your days.
‘I came here to give back some money I asked him to borrow. On the night I was shot I needed money, and he obliged. I promised I would give it back and I did.’
‘Why is he out with you now?’
‘To walk her out.’ Erwin interjected
‘Why not just let her find her way out?’
Erwin suddenly walked closer to you and you noticed he wanted to say something to you more quietly. You moved closer to him as well.
‘Did you have a contract with Jan?’ Erwin asked and you shook your head ‘Everything was informal?’
‘Yes.’ You said and he saw the desperation in your eyes
‘Listen,’ Erwin turned to Jan ‘Neither of us owe you an explanation. She decided she doesn’t want to work for you anymore. That’s it. Just get over it.’
Jan then reached for something inside his coat pocket and you already knew what it was. Of course, he pulled out his other gun, only enough for you three to see it, but not enough to stir panic on the square. Erwin took a step back pushing you behind him.
‘You do owe me my other gun with the bullets, though. You took it, with no intention to return it. That’s called stealing. And you know how expensive those things are.’ He pulled the safety back ‘You will have to show me your new place because I assume that’s where it is.’ Jan almost looked satisfied with himself
Erwin did not know what to say now. All of this was new to him and he was starting to think of ways he could help you if it was really true. He would surely have to find you another place to live now that you were discovered
‘You owe it to me. It’s mine.’ Jan insisted sternly
‘How will you get it?’ You asked ‘Kill me? Kill him? How will you get away? Can you imagine killing the Commander of the Survey Corps and having Levi Ackermann come after you? I would love to see that.’
‘What did you use the money for? The one you had to pay back?’ Jan asked, and you could not believe his mind was still thinking about that
‘For accommodation.’
‘If you’re not working for him, where did you get the money to pay him the money back? It’s only been like two weeks.’
‘Where do you think?’
‘Did you sell yourself? Jan asked and Erwin turned towards him as if in shock
‘I sold the gun, idiot.’ You said and Erwin turned to you, eyes so wide it would have made you laugh if you did not think you were going to die any moment
Everybody stood still, with Erwin turning towards Jan again, so he could keep an eye on his actions. He stood firmly in front of you. Jan pulled the gun all the way out at that point, but let his arm relax, with the gun pointing towards the ground. He seemed to be debating something in his mind and you saw his mouth quiver.
‘I don’t believe you.’ He said, looking up, a madness in his eyes ‘I don’t believe you know the places where these things can be bought or sold. I don’t think you have the bravery to go into one of these places and walk out unarmed. I did everything for you and look at how you lie to me, straight to my face, with no guilt in your eyes.’
You looked down at his feet and saw them inching anxiously towards you. You took another step back, pulling Erwin with you by the waist.
‘And for what?’ His voice began shaking ‘For a guy like that? You’re planning to rely on him now? Everybody knows the Scouts drop like flies. You will eventually have to crawl back to me and beg me-’ He was gesturing with the gun in his anger ‘You think you know what’s best for you, but you don’t.’
‘If you love me so much, why are you getting ready to shoot me?’ You asked and you were not expecting to sound so emotional. The fear was really getting to you and it seemed like nobody on the square had realised what was happening. There was no panic, no scurrying away from the people around you. ‘I’ll give you back the money. I swear. I can’t give you anything else.’
As you were looking into his eyes, pleading, awaiting his decision, a hand came from behind him and grabbed the wrist of the hand that held the gun. He swiftly turned around to pull his wrist away, and a member of the military police revealed himself. Jan was then tackled from the side by another, and a third joined in to get him incapacitated. They almost wrestled him to the ground, careful not to set the weapon off, and eventually one of them managed to pluck it out of his hand. They all seemed quite young and well-built, certainly an improvement from the ones you were used to seeing in your area.
‘Not only is this plain assault,’ The one with the gun began speaking ‘But I want to see your certificate for the weapon. I assume you have none.’
As the adrenaline in your body alleviated, you almost collapsed to the ground. Your grip on Erwin tightened and he finally felt it was safe to turn back towards you. He saw the tears in your eyes and how you weak you looked, so he held you by your waist and shoulder. Jan was on his knees now, looking up at the officers in angered defeat.
‘I don’t have it on me.’
‘Tell us your address and we’ll search for it while you’re in jail.’ The officer with the gun laughed
‘Fine. I don’t have one, but she doesn’t either and I know my other gun is with her. She admitted it plainly in front of us both.’ He nodded towards Erwin who did not react, still looking at you ‘She was my employee and she ran away with the gun to spite me.’
The officer turned towards you and you could feel your knees buckle under the weight of the new wave of anxiety. He was definitely going to search you and find the weapon now. You will have to suffer the consequences for what you did.
‘Keep him in place.’ The armed officer turned to his colleagues who were keeping Jan low on the ground. He put the gun somewhere in his own inner pocket ‘Miss, I hope you won’t resist the search. We just have to make sure.’
You nodded in defeat. You wanted to attack Jan for managing to be such a successful nuisance that he completely ruined your life. You weren’t sure what the consequences of such an offence were, but you knew your life will immediately be turning around for the worse. He asked Erwin to step aside and he complied.
As the officer came next to you, he seemed almost apologetic about it. He patted you down, then he went through your coat pockets where the gun was. You looked down in shame, not ready to face Erwin’s judgment. The officer took a step back.
‘Must be a tiny gun, I can’t find it.’ He chuckled at Jan
You looked up at the officer. You kept your face as neutral as you could, but to Erwin and Jan the shock in your eyes was visible. The way your eyes darted from left to right. Your eyebrows twitched ever so slightly in surprise. It was obvious something was bubbling up inside you. You had to resist the urge to smile. Either you truly were the luckiest woman on earth, or the military police were the most incompetent people in existence.
‘You realise it’s probably in her house, right?’ Jan spat back
‘Miss, would you co-operate by leading us to your address, so we can search it?’
You began nodding as if by command, but you certainly did not want to co-operate. If it was not in your pocket, then you must have forgotten it in your room and you were not as lucky as you thought.
‘No.’ Erwin interjected ‘You can’t. You can’t search her house without a warrant.’
‘Commander,’ The officer turned his whole body to face him ‘We might not have a warrant, but we do have reasonable cause to believe she might have it.’
‘That’s the thing. You don’t.’ Erwin continued, his voice steady ‘She has shown no signs that she could have anything on her or that she is dangerous. I know the rules. I appreciate you want to be thorough, but you can’t disregard procedure. If you do, I will speak to Nile Dok personally to report this issue.’
The young officer stood silent, then he looked back at Jan and back at you. He asked the others to handcuff him and take him away and then he agreed to end this by taking your information. You co-operated with that, admitting where you lived and worked. You also asked him to keep this a secret from Jan and he agreed. As he walked away, you looked at the ground, not having the bravery to look Erwin in the eye.
‘Let’s go inside.’ He said 'I want to understand what is going on.'