Chapter Text
When the time came for you to be lowered back inside the walls, you promised yourself you will not have a reaction like last time again. Now Erwin kept his distance and the job of making you feel at ease was left to Hange and the squad-members that followed you onto the lift. It was easier this time, but you spent a long time looking at Hange directly to avoid looking at the surroundings. You held onto the railing until you felt the platform hit the ground.
Then you made your way back on the same cart and made small talk. Towards the end of the journey, however, you noticed everyone, even Hange became quieter. Perhaps, as the evening was drawing near the reality was starting to sink in.
When you reached the headquarters, Hange had become pensive and this was the first time you saw her this way. You felt like it was your duty to cheer her up and you tried, but you could tell that the smile didn’t really reach her eyes.
‘I’m gonna go to sleep straight after dinner.’ Hange said ‘I like to get a lot of sleep before expeditions because it makes me more alert.’
‘Alright. Let me know if you need anything.’ You placed your hand on her shoulder, and she reached for a hug ‘I can bring you some chamomile tea.’ You said as she squeezed you
‘No, it’s fine.’ She said ‘We’ll have a tea party when I come back. I’ll tell you about all of the new things I learned.’
You smiled at that, but your smile also did not reach your eyes.
As she left, along with her squad, you realised Erwin was still there, waiting for her to leave and when she gained some distance, he approached you.
‘Y/n, would you please spare a few moments?’ He said ‘I want to talk to you about something.’ You nodded ‘Follow me to my office.’
You complied and the walk to the office was mostly silent, the silence interrupted only by the sound of your steps. As you reached the door, he held it open for you and went behind his desk. You closed the door behind you and as you did that his head turned to you immediately. You realised he never intended to have the door closed, but he ignored it and bent down to retrieve something from the drawers behind the desk. Another envelope.
You felt your stomach jump as if you were transported back to the day the gun was found. You wondered if the envelope contained something else that could incriminate you.
‘I appreciate you never asked about this.’ He began ‘Perhaps, you didn’t feel comfortable enough to do so, but how could I leave without giving you your wage.’ He smiled as he passed the envelope to you and when you held it, it pleased you to find out it was quite full ‘By the way, I put your clothing allowance in there as well.’
You gave him a smile and nodded.
‘Thank you.’
‘I know I said it’s a clothing allowance, but please don’t spend it until I come back. It’s possible I won’t and you might need the money for something else.’
Now you nodded again and your expression fell.
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Don’t say anything.’
‘But I-’
‘No, don’t say anything.’ His voice was so low he almost whispered it
You stayed silent for a moment, your lips parted slightly, still wanting to continue speaking.
‘I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.’ You said more quietly and waited to see if he would stop you from speaking again ‘I really don’t know what more to say to show you my gratitude, but…’
‘That’s enough. You’ve said enough.’ He said and his tone was soft, so it was obvious to you he was not angry like before, just avoidant of the situation ‘I try to keep the nights before an expedition as any other. They’re not different from any other night. So if you didn’t feel the need to give me thanks two weeks ago, there’s no reason you should do this now.’
‘Do you also hate it when people wish you luck?’ You asked cautiously
‘No,’ He smiled ‘Luck always comes in handy. Sentimentality not so much.’
You paused for a bit and looked down momentarily, then you clutched the envelope tightly as you readied yourself to say what you planned.
‘Doesn’t it make you feel good to know there is someone out there who thinks fondly of you? Who’s hoping you will come back?’
His eyes widened slightly and you stood your ground, not looking away. Any man would be happy, but that is if he was an ordinary man, he thought. If he had to be the Commander and ask his scouts to give up their hearts at every speech, his heart couldn’t belong to any other cause. This is what he had always avoided. He did not want anyone thinking fondly of him and counting on him because they would be a liability for his own heart. He would have to worry if he disappointed them and if he did, it will end his resolve.
He realised in that moment he was already corrupted, and there was also no future for the two of you. He knew if he came back he would have to fire you and he promised himself he would find you another job and place to stay.
‘Naturally, I am happy. But the night before an expedition, all such words do is affect the emotions.’
‘Alright. Then I wish you all the good luck in the world.’ You said, your voice shaky from all the other things you wanted to say ‘What time will you leave?’
‘Early in the morning. It takes a while to reach Wall Maria from here and we need as much sunlight as possible.’
‘Are you not going to give me the exact time?’ You asked almost indignantly
‘Eight on the dot.’
‘Well, that’s not that early.’
‘A lot of the scouts cannot sleep the night before so I give them some extra time in the morning to pull themselves together.’
‘Well, I guess you’ll all assemble in the main quad and leave from there? I’ll wait there in the morning-‘
‘No.’ He said suddenly as if he was afraid ‘No send-offs. Just sleep in.’
You looked at him for a second, and he could see a drop of anger in your eyes.
‘Whatever you say.’ You answered, trying to keep your tone neutral. You figured the last thing he needed is you acting offended before he leaves ‘I hope everything goes smoothly. I wish you luck once again.’ You started to walk towards the door
‘Thank you.’ He gave you a soft smile, but in his eyes there was a pained look ‘Good night.’
‘Good night.’ You gave him a small, similarly pained smile as you looked back when opening the door
Of course, you did not sleep well. You tossed and turned in bed. The sleep was not smooth or dreamless, you woke up often, a few times in the dark and a few times in the morning when it was light outside. You heard the morning call for the scouts and you sprung up to get ready only to remember Erwin directed you not to show up. You honestly felt like it was a test. Who would stay away from the send off of a person they… Well, you couldn’t say ‘love’. But you did care about him. It seemed like he was set on you not showing up, and you did not want to upset him right before he leaves, especially if these were his last moments, so you decided not to go. You remained sat on your bed, contemplating whether you will try to sleep in as he asked or wait it out awake in your room. You decided to try and sleep, although it was difficult at first with all the noise from the scouts leaving.
After you woke up again, you stood in front of the mirror for a while, trying to will yourself to go out so you could get food. You really didn’t want to go out and see the buildings empty.
Instead, you dressed up for the day with your own clothes and you decided to go out and buy yourself breakfast. You walked through the square to the café Erwin showed you and decided to use your first salary to buy food. The walk was a bit difficult because it reminded you of the gun incident, Jan and the people from your past. You felt on edge, fearing Jan might jump out from somewhere or show up from the crowds of people, since neither you nor Erwin had checked what happened to Jan in the end. If not him, it could be someone else you both knew who had been instructed as to your whereabouts.
You went into the café and joined the queue. When you walked in you noticed the man at the till gave you a knowing look as if he recognised you. He was there on the day you came in with Erwin, you remembered, but you hadn’t seen him since. Once you reached the till, he spoke to you in a friendly manner but a bit too familiarly:
‘Oh my. You’re the woman who came in here with the Commander.’
Your eyes widened. You didn’t expect him to say that, nor were you sure why that seemed so important to him.
‘Well, yes.’ You gave him a polite smile. Surely that was alright to confirm. After all, Erwin wore his uniform when he came in.
‘I can’t believe how you made him laugh that day.’ He smiled and looked at you with a sweetness you could not understand ‘He’s usually more distant, more professional. So many ladies must try their luck with him, but whatever you are doing is working.’
You stood there, unable to piece a sentence in response. Your eyes were even wider than before.
‘Sir, why are you telling me all this? There’s really nothing between us.’ You didn’t want to admit you were his secretary, because who knows, maybe it could be used against you or Erwin
‘We get so many dates here, so many meetings between potential lovers. Me and my coworkers love to observe, you know. Cressida over there,’ He nodded towards a girl behind you wiping the tables ‘She’s quite a romantic, you know. We just love love.’ He laughed somewhat goofily
‘Well, you’re wrong this time.’ You smiled to hide your discomfort ‘We weren’t on a date and we weren’t meeting… Well, you get what I mean. I would like some-’ You started looking towards the food and he got the hint
‘I’m sorry, miss.’ He said awkwardly and then started packing up the sandwich you had pointed towards ‘We really thought it was something else.’
You smiled and nodded, trying to contain all your emotions. ‘Hey, it’s alright. But it really wasn’t anything like that.’
You just wanted to get out of there. Surely they had seen you come in again, buying food for two people. You tried your best to dress like a secretary, wearing Hange’s clothes. How could they not assume you were his employee? You were not sure how much of your conversation they had heard back then, but he pretended he was interviewing you.
‘Thank you.’ You said as you paid for the food and immediately turned to leave.
You decided to eat the sandwich as you walked through the streets, because the change of environment might distract you from your thoughts. You saw many different types of shops that day, most of them not really grabbing your interest, but you noticed it took a long time to find a seamstress. It felt like the closest seamstress was ten streets away, although you didn’t know the area that well yet, so you really were not sure. Some models of produced work were displayed at the window of the shop: dresses and coats, a formal gown and most importantly, an elegant, bright red office outfit. It looked nice, you thought, but the colour was too attention-grabbing. You decided, if Erwin comes back, you will return and ask for the same outfit in a more subdued colour, perhaps in the green of the Scouts’ uniform. Then you remembered you shouldn’t plan things in such detail, because anything could happen.
For the rest of the day, you walked through the streets, trying to find some distraction. It was so difficult to think of anything else. The only consolation was the blue, cloudless sky and the fact that the sun added some warmth on what was otherwise a standard autumn day. You thought perhaps that was good for Erwin, since it would be worse if the weather was suddenly colder or it was raining.
By mid-afternoon you realised you could have used this day to visit your cousin and tell her what happened to you, but now it was too late and your legs had started to hurt from the hours of walking you had done.
You got dinner from a restaurant close by, and you asked them to pack it up for you because you decided you will eat it in your room. Once you found yourself in your room, dread completely overtook you. It was so difficult to get the food down. When you were outside, your surroundings forced you to be strong and now that you were in your room with only yourself to perform for, your anxiety and sadness about the situation prevailed. You forced yourself to eat the food because you didn’t want it to get cold, but you had no appetite. The light from the window was starting to lessen and you realised it was sunset. The truth suddenly hit you and you realised you had never seriously considered the emotional toll your job could end up having on you.
You held your face in your hands, resisting the urge to cry. You weren’t sure if it was normal for them to come back after sunset. There were so many negative thoughts in your mind as you watched the window, and for some reason you could not look away, the orange light making you more and more emotional.
Later on, you left your room to throw away the containers and as you came back the chill in the air and the darkening sky resulted in a lump in your throat that you could not get rid of without crying. You weren’t even sure why. You sat on your bed in tears, admonishing yourself in your head that this was inappropriate because you never received any negative news. However, as you thought about it more and more you realised you were crying because this was simply not viable. You couldn’t work in a place like this and befriend your colleagues, knowing they might put themselves in danger. And what if your feelings for Erwin deepen? How would you recover if he died or if he was injured and changed forever. You couldn’t do it.
As you tried to sleep, Jan’s words echoed in your head. The scouts drop like flies, you remembered, over and over. You would fall asleep for what felt like minutes and then wake up or turn in bed half-asleep in a dream-like trance. In the dreams you would be dealing with Jan again, or old friends from your school days, or relatives no longer in your life and then as you woke up each time you felt like you were losing your sense of reality.
As you turned in your bed, waking up once more, you heard movement outside, laughter and women speaking. You thought these were remnants of your last dream, but as you sat up in bed, you realised there really was commotion outside. You realised the female scouts were outside, speaking to each other before they go to bed.
It was still dark outside and you had no idea what time it was, but you could not resist. You got dressed quickly and went out. By the time you left your room most of the women had cleared the corridor. You had no idea where to go exactly, but you ran to Erwin’s office. You knocked hurriedly at his door and as you stepped back to wait, you heard some noise inside your own office, noticing its door is wide open. There was also a yellow light coming from within. You ran towards it and as you looked inside, you saw Erwin’s silhouette standing there in front of the gas lamp illuminating the room. He was placing something on your desk, but the sound of your arrival startled him, and he turned around to look at you.
On the desk, you saw a vase, overflowing with purple, round flowers; the blossoms of which swirled around their yellow centres, now even brighter due to the yellow light that laid beside them. It took you a few seconds to recognise them to be asters.
‘You’re awake?’ Erwin asked surprised ‘But Y/n, it’s so late.’ And you saw some concern on his face
‘It doesn’t matter.’ You replied and smiled when you looked at the flowers again.
With your happiness from seeing him back, the gift he promised you, and a romantic gift at that, it felt so natural to give him a hug, or some sort of affection, anything. Surely, as soon as you see Hange you would embrace her, why should you not do that with Erwin who has done so much for you already? Yet, Erwin was also your boss and you realised it would not be appropriate.
‘I-’ You looked at him embarrassed, realising you were still smiling about the flowers even though you had not heard any updates from him about everyone else. He seemed fine, but perhaps there was something wrong with him ‘How are you feeling? How are the others?’
He smiled widely, which gave you an immediate sense of relief.
‘This expedition wasn’t very eventful.’ He took the vase back into his hands ‘This is why I had enough time to get these for you.’ He stepped towards you ‘They were the only type of flower that we could find, I’m sorry if they are not to your liking.’ He passed them to you and you took the vase from him
‘Thank you. They’re so beautiful.’ You said giddily, looking into his eyes, somewhat mesmerised. You were overwhelmed by the moment, the concept itself, of receiving flowers from the outside world, from the man you… Well, liked. No, highly respected. You still weren’t sure how to differentiate between the reverence you felt for him and your attraction to him. Then, confusion settled in as you were not sure what it meant for an expedition to not be ‘eventful’.
‘I’m glad you think so.’ He chuckled slightly ‘Are you going to press them as you said?’
‘What?’
‘Put them in a book and press them to keep them forever?’
‘Oh.’ You smiled ‘I want to enjoy them for now, so I’ll bring them to my room.’
You felt awkward because it seemed like this was your cue to leave, but you wanted to stay and talk to him.
‘I’m so glad to see you fine. Or at least you seem it. But the others, are they okay?’
He nodded.
‘Only three scouts didn’t survive this expedition, and I’m not sure you knew them because I’ve never seen you interact. Hange, Miche and Levi are uninjured. Most of the injured scouts’ injuries are not serious. We saw so many of our findings confirmed, and we managed to establish some consistency. Honestly, this expedition was a great success.’ He spoke firmly ‘I was even thinking of arranging some kind of celebration for the scouts and of course, you are invited.’
Your eyes widened at all this.
‘But what about the three that died?’
‘Well,’ He paused and it was obvious he did not expect the question ‘We’ll honour them, but the scouts need to savour this moment. Honestly, I know it might not seem it to you, but this level of success is uncharacteristic for us.’
You looked down, thinking of all the things Erwin was usually accused of in the newspapers. You started to wonder if it was true. You really did avoid reading the news about the scouts, but Jan did and he often criticised them or spoke of them with mockery. He often told you that the new commander is called a ‘devil’ and that he earned this nickname because of his disregard for his comrades’ lives. This disregard was supposedly shown through the risky plans he partook in. The memory of his words riled you up somewhat. What could the newspapers know of Erwin, or his character? You were not sure how Erwin could ever be called a ‘devil’. He treated you so well, he saved your life, gave you a job, his last expedition was known to be safer. Plus, his eyes hid such gentleness and softness. Surely he cares about others, you thought. It’s not his fault the outside world is so dangerous and so many people perish easily because humans are simply not built for it. He is just trying his best and he deserves to celebrate, you thought.
‘Where will the celebration be?’
‘In the dining hall, so we can fit everybody.’
At that, you smiled and nodded. He was glad to see some happiness and approval in your face because he did worry about whether you were judging him.
‘When will your next expedition be?’
‘The preparation for the next one will take at least a few months.’
‘Really?’
‘Why are you surprised?’
‘I thought you go on an expedition every month or every other month.’
He hummed in agreement, looking down.
‘You’re right, that is how I have done things so far, but my strategy has changed. I’ve decided to take a longer break in between.’ He spoke somewhat suspiciously, as if he was trying to hide something and at that you wondered if it was information you were not worthy of yet. You realised, he hadn’t even revealed how long it will take ‘Plus, the previous schedule was burning out the Scouts. They deserve a break.’
The happiness on your face became even more visible, your smile was tentative, but it reached your eyes and it warmed his heart in return.
‘That’s great to hear. I’ll go see if Hange’s awake.’ As you got ready to leave you turned back ‘Is the celebration going to be tomorrow? Or do I have enough time to buy some new clothes?’
‘No need to worry about that.’ He laughed ‘It will be next week or the week after to give the injured people time to recover. And don’t forget to sleep in tomorrow because you don’t need to be working.’
That night, you knocked on Hange’s door, but she did not reply. After sleeping in for the majority of the day you only managed to see her in the afternoon, walking with Moblit in the green areas next to the training grounds. She saw you and she screeched joyously, running for a hug to which you responded in kind.
‘Didn’t I tell you we will have a tea party!’ She laughed ‘I knew I’m coming back for sure!’
You nodded as you were hugging her. Then you hugged Moblit and followed them on their way to their department.
‘Are you two working?’ You asked ‘I thought people were having a day off today?’
‘Yes, but we want to collate all the information we have managed to confirm.’ Moblit said ‘And that has to be done with a fresh mind.’
‘Will I bother you, then?’ You stopped
‘No, come with us.’ Hange smiled and you noticed in that moment as the sun shined upon her how healthy and well-rested she looks ‘The more you understand, the better secretary you’ll be.’
You smiled and followed them to their office. You listened to their findings, somewhat horrified by the details. There were some attempts at sketching the titans, detailed descriptions and anecdotes added to the notebooks. As you observed all this, a scout came into the room and interrupted the conversation. She told Hange that Erwin was calling her in for a discussion, at which Hange excused herself and left you with Moblit, who allowed you to look through all the materials as much as you wished.
During their discussion, Hange and the others found out that the next expedition was postponed indefinitely.
‘What happened to the date we had set up for two months from now?’ Levi asked
‘It will be postponed, as I said.’ Erwin replied sternly
Levi nodded, but he was not satisfied ‘By that I mean, what is the reason for this sudden change of schedule?’
Hange smirked slightly.
‘There won’t be flowers blooming for a few months now, what’s the point of going now if we can’t bring Y/n flowers on our way back.’ She said
The room was silent after that, except for Miche’s gasp of surprise as he turned towards her.
‘Hange, you should have just let me answer instead of joking around.’ Erwin said undeterred ‘I’ve realised after last night’s success that we should change our focus. We could benefit humanity a lot by investing our power in building a base outside the walls.’
‘But such attempts were made and failed disastrously.’ Miche replied anxiously ‘How is this time going to be any different?’
‘We must spend a few months thinking about it, strategizing, learning from the past, gathering resources, support, new recruits.’ Erwin replied and his words truly convinced some of his audience this was something he had considered in earnest and it was the reason for the change
‘Erwin do you really believe it possible?’ Hange asked
‘It has to be done.’ Erwin said ‘It is time for us to have a real victory. We have enough information to make a viable plan.’
‘You almost managed to convince me it has nothing to do with Y/n.’ Levi murmured
Erwin’s face tensed up so much this time, the entire atmosphere in the room shifted. Levi expected his response, somewhat amused, sitting nonchalantly in his chair.
‘I will not hear another joke about this again.’ Erwin said ‘I told you many times, it is nothing like that and once should have been enough.’
‘Alright.’ Levi replied, but he knew that it was his suggestion of getting you a gift from the outside world that spurred Erwin to get you the flowers in the first place. This was now something that Hange was also reminded about.
Hange came back to the department around an hour later and you decided to go prepare some tea. As you enjoyed your drinks and chatted, you told her of your plan to get some new clothes before the celebration and she seemed happy at the idea of joining you to go to the seamstress.
‘I’m sure your life has gotten more fun now that you have money of your own you can spend.’
You nodded as you sipped from your tea cup, almost spilling.
‘But I plan on spending most of it on clothes.’ You said ‘I miss having more than one outfit of my own.’ You laughed
‘We could go out to eat tomorrow when you go to the seamstress. Enjoy life a bit.’ Hange said ‘Is that café that Erwin likes actually good?’
‘Oh, the place with the sandwiches across the square?’ You asked and she nodded, but she could see your expression fall ‘I had an awkward moment there recently, it’s better if we try something new.’
‘What kind of awkward moment?’ She asked, leaning in
‘They kind of crossed a line, in my opinion.’ You looked down embarrassed, wishing you hadn’t started on this topic ‘As I was getting my food yesterday, the cashier asked me about my relationship with Erwin. Insinuating it was something romantic.’
‘Oh.’ Hange feigned surprise ‘That sure is inappropriate.’
‘I don’t know how Erwin would feel if he knew these people actually keep track of him and who he’s meeting?’
‘Are they? You mean, almost like stalkers?’
‘No.’ You laughed ‘They just said they are romantic at heart, but surely he would not be happy. It might even lead me to lose my job because he sees me as a liability for his reputation.’
‘I wouldn’t worry if I was in your place.’ She reached over to rub your shoulder in comfort and then as she sipped her tea thinking about all this, she had an idea.