Chapter Text
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The video opened up to a somewhat grainy image of inside the bat cave, followed by the familiar figure of Dick storming inside and heading towards Bruce. The time stamp was missing from the corner of the footage, but with the lingering bruise from Jason’s punch still visible on Dick’s face, it was clear that this was taken not much longer after Dick had first returned.
“Look, I know you’ve been avoiding me but we need to talk-“
“You cannot inform your siblings of what happened.” Bruce interrupted, already knowing what Dick wanted to talk about.
Dick’s expression however, showed complete disbelief at his answer. “You.. you can’t be serious. After everything.. you still want me to keep secrets from them?”
“It would complicate things.” Bruce stated firmly and unbudgingly.
“For god sakes Bruce, They mourned me! Don’t you think they’d feel like their feelings were a little more validated if they knew I really did die? You know how we felt after Jason… and after Dami-“
Dick’s voice broke but Bruce took the opportunity to immediately cut in.
“That’s not the same.” Bruce’s voice was harsh and cold.
“…No. It’s not. Wh-when Lex Luthor stopped my heart, I wasn’t dead very long. And I didn’t need a magical pit to revive me. So I get that to you it probably doesn’t-“ Dick’s voice was shaky as he finished quietly “-doesn’t count.”
“That’s not what I said.“ Bruce’s mouth tugged into a frown, upset.
Dick didn’t seem to see it. “No. It’s fine. I get it.” He soldiered on “But if that’s the story you’re going with, -without informing me in advance by the way. Thanks for that. Was kind of shocked when the first thing I get when seeing everyone is an accusation of being a liar about my own death- But putting that aside, if you’re saying that you didn’t want to put them through grieving me then how could you not tell them I was alive sooner? You made them go through all that pain when you promised me you would tell them when the time was right!”
“You were in a very dangerous situation.” Bruce stated neutrally.
“You think?” Dick replied sarcastically “Thanks for finally acknowledging that. But I don’t see what that has to do with... Oh.”
Bruce was uncomfortably quiet as the implications sunk in.
“It was a suicide mission.” Dick concluded as he pressed the heels of his palm to his eyes, a near hysterical laugh barking out of his lips when Bruce did nothing to deny it. “I mean I knew that. I knew there was a good chance I might not come back from it. It would have hurt them more… to have had to mourn me twice if I couldn’t make it back. I guess… I can see why you didn’t think it was a good idea to tell them unless I actually came home.”
Bruce’s moved a heavy hand towards clapping it on Dick’s shoulder, but Dick flinched away before it could land.
“I knew you would make it back.” Bruce told him softly.
Judging by the expressions on camera, it didn’t look like either of them were sure he really believed it.
“Okay.” Dick let out a deep exhale, visibly trying to put himself back together as he dropped his hands from his face “Okay,” He said again “but what about now? The mission is over. So why do I still have to keep up with all these lies? Can’t I just..”
“Dick. It’s over. There’s no point in revisiting things that will only complicate and emotionally compromise them.”
Dick looked frustrated but tried to keep his cool and speak calmly as he explained his reasoning. “Look I get that you’re worried what they’d think of you if anyone found out how you persuaded me to accept the mission, but I’d hope you’d know me well enough to understand that i’m not trying to ruin any of the relationships you’ve built between you and our family, you know I’d never do that.
I mean come on B, haven’t I been the one who always encouraged bonding between you guys in the first place? When you were too emotionally constipated to talk to them or tell them how you feel who do you think was the go-between? Who encouraged them to give you a chance and explained all the ways that you showed your love for them? Who had to coach you and keep giving you hints and advice on how to connect with them? Do you really think I would want to do anything to ruin the progress you’ve finally made after years of playing mediator now that you’re all actually getting along? I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t say anything that would make them doubt you as a good father to them. I’m glad that you were able to resolve some of the tension and become closer when I was gone. I’m glad that you were a better father to them these past several months and I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize that. I wouldn’t even have to tell them any details on what went down between us or what you did to ‘convince me’ to leave for Spyal which I know is what you’re most worried about how they’d react to.
All I ask is that you try and understand that you’re asking me to sacrifice my relationship with my brothers at a time when I need them most. And you’re talking about an emotionally compromising situation when they already are emotionally compromised towards ME. Bruce they hate me right now! They don’t trust me! They can’t even stand to look at me! And while under normal circumstances I might have been able to just grin bear it; to accept and carry their hatred to cover for you, these are not normal circumstances. I’ve just come back from the most difficult mission of my life and I’m NOT OKAY. Quite literally, the only thing that got me through it was the thought of coming home to my family and now you’ve taken away my only support system by feeding them so many lies I can’t even keep track what I’m supposed to say to them. If you could just let me tell them at least some semblance of the truth of what happened before I left…”
But Bruce only shook his head, his frown becoming more pronounced. “I doubt they truly ‘hate you’ as you claim, and telling them the truth now would only have them feel guilty for being unwelcoming upon your return. What good would it do to cause them unnecessary hurt?”
Dick closed his eyes to the sting of Bruce implying that his hurt and pain didn’t matter as much as his brothers and instead concentrated on assuring him with the truth. “They would have no reason to feel guilty… they didn’t know. I’ll make sure they know that I wouldn’t hold it against them. It’s not their fault.”
“You believe it to be mine.” It was stated in a way that said Bruce didn’t quite agree with it.
But Dick only gave a slightly hysterical laugh in return. “Do you even have to ask that? Of course it’s your fault! I didn’t want to go! I told you NO.”
“Dick..”
“No! NO! I said no… I said no… I.. no one ever listens when I don’t want to do something...” Dick’s gaze started to get glassy and far away, as though he was seeing something else. “I said no to her too. I told her no but she didn’t stop…” His breathing started to quicken as he started to shiver, wrapping his arms around himself and scratching his own arms as though he wanted to claw his own skin off. His muttering became low enough that the audio on the camera could barely pick it up and would need further enhancing to hear fully. “I said no…I didn’t want it.. I didn’t want…” Dick continued mumbling to himself, his breathing becoming faster and faster in fear before he was completely hyperventilating.
“Chum, breathe.“ Bruce moved forward and reached out towards him, as if wanting to try and ground him.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Dick screamed, jerking away from Bruce and stumbling backwards to try and get away from him. In an instant he was suddenly falling to his knees and vomiting all over the floor.
“Dick!” Bruce worriedly knelt down beside him, clearly wanting to reach out to him but not wanting to cause any more distress as he attempted to coach him through some deep breathing.
Dick didn’t say anything in reply, it was unclear if he was even seeing Bruce as he pulled at his hair, and breathed raggedly, a few stray tears slipping down his face. There was a jump cut in the video then, as though to hide the exact amount of time Dick had needed to come back from his panic attack to preserve some of his dignity. When the video continued it was to when Dick had finally started to calm down. The sickness on the floor had been cleaned up.
It was Bruce who spoke first. “Dick… are you back with me chum?”
Dick nodded slowly, scrubbing a hand over his face. The sound of a lone strangled sob escaped, his shoulders shaking before he seemed to pull himself back together. And for anyone watching, it must have been both sickening yet impressive to see how easily Dick was able to pull his masks up as though to completely write off what had just happened.
“I don’t want to talk about it. You’d just let that change the subject from the matter at hand.”
“Dick… we don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to, but I just want to make sure you’re alright.” Bruce replied with clear concern in his gaze. But it was a callous choice of words because it immediately caused another outburst from Dick.
“OF COURSE I AM NOT ALRIGHT! YOU SENT ME TO INFILTRATE SPYRAL!”
Bruce looked on with that worried frown again, his hand sightly twitching towards him as though he wanted to reach out to him before thinking better of it when Dick’s breathing picked up again. Instead Bruce waited for them both to stand up again and purposely put more distance between them until Dick’s shoulders lowered. When he spoke again, Bruce seemed to be honouring Dick’s request to not draw attention to the reason behind his panic attack… at least for now.
“I understand taking on this mission solo was hard for you. But everyone’s safety was at risk. You were the best person given the circumstances that had just transpired. It was all for the greater good.”
“I KNOW THAT! I would do anything for this family and I did do everything for them. So don’t you fucking dare make my one request to save myself sound selfish. Because that’s what this is. This is me saying I need- I.. I’m not coping well. You put me in a position where I had to give away every single bit of myself, everything that made me who I am, everything I beleived in. I had to give away my life, my body, my mind, my heart, sometimes it even felt like my soul was ripped away from me. But I’ve done it before and I’d do it again if it meant keeping those I loved safe, even if it leaves me with nothing left. This wasn’t about me being unwilling to put myself in a bad position to save everyone else. It was that maybe if you had just given me a chance to breathe and discuss it with me rationally first instead of forcing me into it with no other choice but to obey you! We could have made a better plan where at least someone else knew where I was incase I was in trouble and needed backup instead of throwing me in there alone.”
“We both agreed.” Bruce said with a furrow in his brow, as though something was not lining up.
Dick threw his hands up in the air, the picture of incredulous. “Are you kidding me right now? You seriously have the nerve to say that to my face? I had just freaking died after being tortured! My body hadn’t even recovered yet and most importantly Dami was still gone! I was not in a healthy state of mind by any means to agree to anything but even then I had enough sense to tell you that there was no way I was going to lie to everyone. I flat out told you that I didn’t want to go to Spyral and you beat me into submission! What part of that sounds like mutual agreement to you?” He cried out in frustration.
But Bruce just looked unphased, the tightening of his jaw the only indication of him feeling angry at the accusations. “You are blowing things out of proportion. It was a spar to prepare you for what was to come and if memory serves correctly, You won.”
“Won what? Defending myself against an enraged father? That wasn’t a spar or a training match, and you said it yourself! That was- Bruce.. do you even remember what you did to me? This wasn’t like the times when I caused you to lose your temper and you went a little rough taking it out on me. This was something else entirely. You made it clear that either I dragged myself to Spyral on my own two feet or you were sending me there in a bodybag! Either way it didn’t seem like you were going to waste that funeral you had already held for me. There was never any agreement, you didn’t. give. me. a. choice.” Breathing heavily once it finally seemed like his words were sinking in, Dick looked at the genuinely shocked expression on Bruce’s face with a scoff. “What, afraid to face the harsh truth of what you did to your son?”
Bruce wavered, looking like he needed to take a seat, though he managed to remain standing, his eyes were showing open surprise. “I don’t remember it that way.”
There was a frown of confusion on Dick’s face before he covered his face with his hand and smiled bitterly. “Of course… of course you don’t remember what I’m talking about. Your memories are probably still skewed from the amnesia. You filled in the gaps with logic which conveniently left out the details of what actually happened. And let me guess, all the cowl and cave footage of that night have mysteriously been deleted too hasn’t it?”
“…It is possible that my memory is not an accurate representation of what happened and if that is the case I apologise. I did find it strange that I could find no record of the days leading up to your departure.” Bruce answered calmly and logically.
“I’m not surprised. You probably wiped the footage the moment I left. You knew what you did had crossed a hundred different lines and you didn’t want anyone to find out that I was still alive either so you deleted everything so that even if I did come back and say the truth, all I have is my word.” Dick concluded.
“That sounds…”
“Unlike you? Yeah, knowing you and your guilt complex I’m sure you didn’t completely delete anything and kept the original records of it encrypted somewhere.” Dick glanced to something off camera, the direction of his gaze most likely lingering on the glass case, where the Jason Robin memorial still stood despite Jason’s return. “You do love to fuel your own guilt by torturing yourself with your mistakes.” He murmured “but I’m guessing at the time, you didn’t take into account the chance of you losing all your memories of where you had stored the hidden files. So congrats, I guess it’s gone for good now. How wonderfully convenient for you that you get to just block out one of the cruelest things you’ve done to me.” Dick stated blandly, his sarcasm a clear defense mechanism to try and hide his pain. The camera angle could still pick up that Dick’s hands were curled into fists by his side. Dick was trembling.”Bet you cleaned up all the bloodstains really well too. And replaced all the broken furniture. So that there was no evidence of a fight and you could tell yourself I departed on peaceful terms.”
“It seems I have done something that deeply wronged you, I apologise. If you would be willing to tell me, I would like to know what it was that truly transpired between us before you left for the mission.” Bruce told him in a calm and imploring voice that was both apologetic and sincere.
Dick let out a sigh, one that was part exhaustion, part anger, and part anguish. “Alright. Let me enlighten you so that there are no further misunderstandings. You-” and here Dick leaned in closer “-forced me to agree. No matter how many times I said I didn’t want to, no matter how much I pleaded for you to stop. You ignored me and kept going and going. There was no ‘conversation’ that took place on whether we could try to find another way, that we could at least tell those we trusted, or even have one person other than you know about it in the worst case scenario. The only talk you had with me was a conversation with your fists until you were sure I’d be leaving with new broken bones and scars to remind me that I was to follow your orders like an obedient soldier whether I wanted to or not.”
Dick’s gaze turned firery with anger as he stepped closer, ignoring Bruce’s stunned and horrified expression over his words to jab his finger against Bruce’s chest. “But I swear to god Bruce. If you try to do to any of one of my siblings what you did to me and attempt to force them to go on ANY mission that they’re uncomfortable with and don’t want to do… then we’ll be done B. I’ll walk out of your life and take my brothers with me. You said some bullshit about me surpassing you that night and ‘winning against you’ so let’s make it clear that if you hurt them I can and will make good on that and take you out. Then I will see to it that you will never see any of one us ever again.”
Bruce didn’t seem deterred by this, in fact he nodded in approval. “I would expect nothing less. But Dick, I would never do that. I would never hurt any of your siblings. ” He said immediately in a soft tone looking distressed at the very thought.
“No… of course not. You only pull this shit with me. You always have.” Dick replied bitterly, taking a step away from him.
Bruce looked pained. “While I may not accurately remember the reasoning behind many of my actions, from everything I do remember about you, I am sure the steps I took was because I knew you could handle it.” It was probably meant to be reassuring but Dick just snorted coldly.
“Sure, because fuck any trauma that leaves me with. You always expect so much of me it’s like you forget I’m actually human. I can ‘handle it’ so who cares that I’ll always remember my Dad beating me to a bloody pulp. That I can’t even be close to you now without freezing up. Don’t you get it B? I’m scared of you now! Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Bruce’s face fell. “Chum… is that how you feel?”
“Don’t ‘chum’ me! What did you think was going to happen? Did you even consider the repercussions? This is going to effect us in the field now because everytime you make a sudden movement I’m bracing myself for a fucking punch like i’m one of the criminals you’re trying to apprehend!”
“I’m sorry.”
Dick snapped his gaze back towards him, locking stares with him in surprise as though Dick never actually expected Bruce to apologise. But the shock only lasted a moment, then Dick just looked drained. It’s quiet for a long moment before Dick finally replied “Sorry that I feel this way, or sorry for what you did?”
“Sorry that my actions have deeply impacted you and shaken your trust in me. I am sorry for hurting you.”
Dick closed his eyes as he gives a slow exhale. On screen he looked pale and withdrawn, but resigned. “I love you, B. You know that. You know I’ll always love you. No matter what you do to me. And maybe you don’t mean to manipulate me, but I think you know you can get away with doing a lot more to me than you would with Jason or Tim or Damian. You treat me differently than you do with them. You always have. You exploit my love for you and my love for them and get me to do things I should never have to.”
“I don’t mean to.” Bruce replied immediately, though he didn’t refute the claim.
“…Yeah.” Dick murmured, suddenly so tired. And then after a moment, his voice got quiet, almost like he was afraid to hear the answer. “…Is that why you didn’t tell me when Dami came back alive?”
Bruce’s expression shuttered, the stoic man’s version of a wince as though knowing Dick wasn’t going to like his answer. “I thought it would compromise the mission you were on.”
Dick blinked, as if processing that Bruce really said that… and then exploded. All his words tumbling out in an emotional rush. “OF COURSE IT FUCKING WOULD! You think I wouldn’t have done anything to see my son again?! To come back? It would have at least given me some hope to hold onto when I was trapped there!”
“I know you both grew close… but he is not your son.” His voice was level but Bruce had turned slightly, the camera unable to pick up his expression.
“He is in every way that matters!” Dick countered passionately. “When you were gone, I was the one who raised him. The one who got him to slowly come out of his shell and break out of the mold of expectation he had thrust upon himself. I was the one that held him when he cried himself to sleep. The one who promised to protect him from all his fears. I was the one who he accepted receiving sincere care from. I was the one that taught him kindness wasn’t a weakness. I was the one that got to hear him the first time he laughed uncontrollably, I was the one who got him to smile. I was the one who he hugged good morning and good night. I was the one who learnt arabic and how to cook some traditional meals for him when he felt homesick. The one who encouraged him to pursue his love of art and take up hobbies outside of the cape. Do you even know what to comfort him with when he’s sad? Or his favourite music to listen to when he’s happy? Do you know the reason behind why he loves animals so much? Do you know his goals and values? Have you even bothered to take the time to truly get to know him beyond surface level?
Because it was me who showed him that his spot in the family was never going to be taken away from him. That it wasn’t based on skill or merit or obligation. That he didn’t need to prove himself to me to earn my love. That he deserved to be Robin regardless of his past. I was the one who showed him what it meant to be loved unconditionally! Damian was my world and I loved him like he was my own. I needed him just as much as he needed me. He was a beacon of light in my sea of grief. And sometimes it felt like being there for him was the only thing keeping me together. I was going to adopt him officially you know? But then you came back and I knew it wouldn’t be fair to keep him from you. I wanted to give him the chance to get to know his real father. Because I knew you were once a great one. So once again, I sacrificed for you. I let him move back and I listened to your orders to give us distance so that you both had the chance to bond without me interfering. But then…”
Dick squeezed his eyes shut, his expression one of pure raw pain. “w-when he di-“ Dick cut himself off, unable to even get the words out despite Damian being alive now, his voice choking with held-back tears. “When we lost him… it felt like- like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Like the sun stopped existing. He died and I felt like a part of me died too.” Dick swallowed thickly, before meeting Bruce’s eyes with a gaze full of pain as he continued. “And you knew that. You knew what he meant to me. So how could you not tell me when he came back! How could you let me think that I was still living in a world without him?”
Dick looked absolutely agonized as he continued to point out the facts. “Especially when you knew how much I was struggling there. That I felt more dead than alive. There were so many times when I truly felt like just giving up. I..I thought about how it would be easier to join Dami, and that if I did then all the pain and loneliness would stop. But if I had known that Damian came back, that he would be there waiting for me to come home, do you know how much hope that could have given me when I felt like I had nothing to hang on to?
And what about Damian? How must he have felt to come back only to find out I had left him. He’s too young to mourn another parent! Wasn’t grieving over you and dealing with his own death enough tragedy to put him through?”
Bruce was completely stony faced, but anyone who knew him knew that he only wore that expression when he was truly at a loss for words and wanted to express something emotionally but couldn’t get the words out. He had clearly been deeply affected by Dick’s words and had to clear his voice before he could speak, and even then it came out roughly. “I suppose I thought that I was doing what was best to keep everyone safe.” Bruce finally answered, his voice thick with regret and emotion.
But Bruce’s regret wasn’t enough. Not for something like this. Then again, it didn’t look like Dick had expected anything better.
“…You know, sometimes I miss the Dad you were to me. When it felt like you actually cared. When it still felt like you loved me as much as I love you.”
“I do love you. You’re my son.” Bruce stated earnestly.
But Dick just shook his head sadly. “But you would never treat your other sons this way. The hiding when someone is alive thing clearly yes you have a habit of doing that to all of us no matter how much it makes us suffer, but everything else? No chance. You don’t ask them to cover for you or lie for you. You don’t ask them to take on all the roles that are needed in this family when you’re too occupied to do it yourself. You don’t ask any of them to give the rest of the family all the emotional support you’ve lacked over the years. And the biggest one of all; you don’t ask any of them to make sacrifices for you, and certainly not again and again. Face it, I’m the only one with those ‘special privileges.’ I’m the only one you ask those types of favours from. Except you never ask, it’s just expected of me. And maybe it comes with the territory of being the oldest, but even I have my limits.”
“We’ve all made sacrifices for the sake of the mission when innocent lives are at stake.” Bruce said slowly in an acknowledgment of Dick’s words being right.
“B.” Dick said, so gently, his eyes sad and tone soft but pained. His own life seemed to be so easily bartered in Bruce’s mind. “The mission is important but you can’t seriously believe that’s why I do all these things. It’s because it’s for you. It’s always been for you. You ask me to do something and I do it because you’re my dad and I love you. You think this is the first time you’ve pushed me into a position where I have to put myself on the line for you? I’ve been doing it for years. But I can’t keep doing it anymore. Not after Spyral. This was the final straw. You went too far this time and while you may no longer remember it, I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. I can’t go back to seeing you how you were.”
Bruce swallowed, seeming to finally realise that he had messed things up so badly with his eldest son that he was losing Dick. Bruce stepped closer, hesitantly moving a hand out towards him but letting it waver and drop back down by his side when Dick crossed his arms over himself.
“Tell me what you need.” It wasn’t a question, but Dick could hear the desperation in Bruce’s words all the same.
“I’ve already told you what I need, over and over again. And yet you’re still asking me to sacrifice for you again. Can you at least understand what you are asking of me by wanting me to cover for you this time? Thanks to you I lost Jason’s trust after so painstakingly earning it back over time after he became the Red Hood. I lost Tim’s trust, after we worked so hard to resolve things when he became Red Robin. I put my love and care and effort into rebuilding the relationships that are important to me and you tore that all away from me the moment you turned my death into a lie! I tried explaining to Tim and Jason since my return but they won’t even give me a chance to hear me out because they feel so betrayed! They really think I ditched them to go play spy when I was just trying to survive the worst time of my life!”
Shaking, Dick hugged himself tighter, rocking side-to-side. “God.. Bruce you’re the only one who had contact with me and had an idea of how bad I was doing over there. I was begging you to come home, I was alone. I was breaking. And you made me stay.” His voice cracked but he kept talking, all his feelings coming out like an overflowing glass of water because for once it seemed like Bruce was actually listening to him instead of dismissing him. “-And then your memories were gone and you know I don’t blame you for that, but why was there no contingency for it? You always have a back up plan! But you just left me there on my own with no extraction plan, no one to even know I was there. I would have died there again. But this time without a single person knowing. I needed help, I needed to come home!
But instead I did what you asked of me. Mission success. But the mission is over now and yet I’m the one who’s left scrambling to pick up the pieces that are left of me. It… It tore me apart. And I’m trying to find a way to recover and you just… you didn’t even acknowledge what I put myself through for you. You didn’t even give me a thank you, you just wanted to send me back on the field like it was just another job done.
And I shouldn’t have even been surprised. Because it’s a pattern isn’t it? I do all these things for you, but I’m always the one who keeps having to pay the price for it long after the deed is done. For the sake of your mission, I’ve given you all that I have for years. And yet you’re still demanding more... Now you’re asking me to just give up on my relationships with my family and let them continue to think I betrayed them. They are the last bonds I have to keep me sane and now even that is soon to be gone. What more can you take from me? What more is there left in me to give?”
“Chum…”
Dick shook his head, determined to get everything out that he needed to say. “And the thing is I get why you keep doing this. You’re so used to me to shouldering everything on my own because I always have. I’ve been doing it my whole life; keeping the worst of the things i’ve been through to protect my siblings. And I don’t regret it, they shouldn’t need to worry about me like that. Even when it painted this unrealistic expectation of me. Everyone thinks i’m infallible because I’ve shielded everyone I care about from the horrible shit that’s happened to me during the many cases you’ve sent me on. I brush off my hurt because I never want to worry them. I never want to scare them with how many close calls I’ve endured. And I’ll keep doing that and continue to hide all my pain from them because that’s the price to pay for being the oldest. It’s what big brothers are for. To keep them safe. To make things easier on them even when it means shouldering all the blame to ease them of their burdens. Even when it means hiding when I’m breaking. Because they need that reassurance, that safety net that someone will be there to take care of them when they get in over their heads because they’re too scared to come to you and risk disappointing you or admitting to failure. But at least they know they can count on me. And I’ve been proud to be that for them. I really have. God knows how much I love them. I would always protect them. And if I can spare them any amount of pain, if I can take on their stress or shoulder some of what is weighing on them, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
Dick took a deep breath. “But you know that. And you’ve been taking advantage of that. With the reasoning of ‘protection’ and of meeting your expectations of being ‘the eldest son who can handle it’, you’ve always sent me on the dangerous things. The ones I may not come back from whole. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it was me rather than any of my siblings. I would always prefer that I’m the one who is in harms way than them. But… do you ever think of me when you send me on these insane take-downs? Why am I the only one who’s never allowed to show any weakness? That I’m never allowed to need someone to rely on too? Do you ever think of my safety as much as you do theirs? Did you think about how much these missions hurt me? That after coming back from something that destroyed me in every way I would need the support of my family to help me through the aftermath? Who do I have as my safety net if you keep encouraging me to ostracize myself from everyone else just so that all your secrets stay safe?
I know you don’t want me to tell anyone about the gruesome details of what happened to me in Spyral or any of the other confidential missions you’ve sent me on during my life. You expect a professional mission report but you don’t want to actually hear me talk about how I was affected by it. How they broke me in every way. Or of all the things they did to me and made me do because you’d rather pretend it didn’t happen. And that’s fine, I never planned on telling anyone anyway. Especially my younger brothers. I wouldn’t want them to think less of me. I wouldn’t want to scare them. But acting like it never happened doesn’t change the fact that it did. And you don’t need to know what the details are to see that I’m not doing well. I know you’d rather I bottle everything up and ignore it and just never speak of it again the way you would. Because then you’d never have to deal with what a mess I am. And I’m trying, I am. But I— B i’m only human. Im not invincible. This mission took everything out of me and now I have nothing left and it feels like I’m about to fall to pieces. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I Dick? Robin? Nightwing? Officer Grayson? Agent 37? Am I the good guy or the bad guy? Everything is jumbled and sometimes it feels like I’m still dead and this has all just been me living in hell!”
Dick paused for a second, chest heaving as he stared into Bruce’s stricken face.
But even with his heartbroken expression, Bruce managed to keep his voice perfectly levelled. “Are you done?”
“No I am not done!” Dick replied furiously in righteous indignation. “I’ve made sure to never be a burden to anyone and I’m certainly not about to start now. My problems are my own to deal with, not my brothers. But this time.. just this once…this is me reaching out for help. I know it makes me weak… but I’ve barely been hanging on by a thread since Damian died and I- I’m ashamed to say it but Spyral really messed me up and pushed me over the edge. I don’t think I can get through it without my brothers in my corner. Frankly when I was there, thinking about coming home to them was the only thing that kept me going every night when I wanted to blow a bullet through my brain. Please B… if you don’t want me to tell them about what happened in the cave that night I won’t. But at least let me tell them that I thought you’d tell them I was alive! Because I thought I’d at least have my family by my side when I returned instead of having to continue to be alone.” Tears streamed down Dick’s face and he belatedly wiped his cheeks with a hiccup.
“Okay Dickie, okay. I’ll fix this. I will.” Bruce implored, looking like he desperately wanted to hug Dick but not being able to breach the final step in closing the distance.
“…You can’t fix me. You were the one who broke me.” Dick reminded him in an empty tone as he pulled farther away from.
“Chum..”
“I told you to stop calling me that!” Dick snapped harshly, a burst of fury in his voice at the memory of all of Bruce’s actions. “I’m not your boy. Not anymore. Not after everything you did.”
“We’ve gotten through worse things, we can get through this too.” Bruce replied his confident tone wavering in a way that was as close to pleading as he would ever get.
Dick just laughed, tears streaming down his face as he sunk back to the floor in a semi crouch, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I don’t know if we can. I think this was too much… even for me. God, it’s just been the worst year. First my kid is taken from me and nothing else mattered anymore. Then I’m tortured by the Crime Syndicate by people who look like the ones i’m supposed to trust. Then i’m killed and unmasked. And when i’m brought back, barely alive and functioning and still haven’t even fully processed my death yet, I come to find my- my Dad who is supposed to protect me, has gone and held my funeral! Has told everyone I love that I’m dead and gone! And then you tell me I’m to go on this horrible mission, one where I’d be lying to everyone I love and care about. And I refuse and you..you hit me! Except it’s more than just one hit. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were determined to send me on this mission even if it meant sending me there in another coma.
And then I don’t even get to say goodbye to anyone… I don’t get to see them one last time. Instead I’m sent straight to Spyral and they make me- do h-horrible things. And I’m losing myself and breaking in a million pieces and I can’t stand it anymore, I’m not strong enough, I just want to come home- and I beg you to let me leave, because you’re the only one who knows how dangerous it is where I am, who knows how to get me out and there’s no other way for me to escape. But you refuse. Birdwatcher pleads and pleads for Mr Malone over and over again to let me come home, but you keep saying no and then you stop answering all together. And that’s when I think.. I think you’ve just left me there to die and suddenly the funeral makes sense. You were already planning to kill me. You abandoned me! Maybe I was never meant to pass this mission in the first place. I was just thrown away. But somehow, somehow by some miracle I actually complete the godforsaken mission because that’s what you drilled me to do. That failure was never an option and I needed to see it through even if it killed me. But when I finally make it home alive, no one is happy to see me. Everyone wishes I had just stayed dead!” While Dick’s voice had started low and toneless, it had risen with every statement until by the end he was shrieking. And then Dick burst into tears. An awful sobbing full of such deep pain it was as though he was crying from his soul as he wailed “D-Dad how could you do this to m-me?”
This time Bruce didn’t resist in pulling him into a chest and hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry, Dick I’m so sorry. I’ll make things better, I will.”
Dick just sobbed harder. But eventually he pushed against him as weakily as a kitten. “I don’t want you to do anything. You’ve done enough. I can barely stand to be in the same room as you. Just.. just leave me alone. Give me time and space. I won’t be in the field for awhile. Don’t try to contact me. Don’t try to track me or spy on me. Don’t ask me for any favours. Don’t check up on me. Just leave me be. I’ll reach out to you myself when I’m ready.”
“…Okay son. If that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
Dick gets up and leaves the bat cave without looking back, leaving Bruce to stare forlornly after him.
The video cuts out.
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