Chapter Text
FELIX
Felix was sure that the caretaker wasn't human. He was definitely something else, although Felix was having trouble identifying exactly what.
A hobbit? That didn't seem quite right. Granted, Felix hadn't watched any of the Lord of the Rings films for donkey's years, and he'd be lying if he claimed to remember them perfectly. They weren't in the family rotation- too long for Harry, not enough Kaiju action for Ru, and while Ellie liked them she was too considerate to pick them when it was her turn- but Felix knew hobbits had curly hair and didn't wear shoes. This chap was practically bald and he was wearing a battered pair of green wellington boots, so he had to be something else. Maybe a gnome? His sun-weathered face reminded Felix of a long-forgotten apple he'd once found beneath his bed; it had gone all brown and wrinkled. Was there such thing as an appleman…?
"You must be them Cattons, then?"
"Guilty as charged… Robert, wasn't it?" Felix's fantasy race consideration had been interrupted before his train of thought had properly left the station, but that was probably a good thing. He stepped forward to intercept the little man, trying not to look apprehensive. It was good manners to shake hands, but Felix didn’t quite fancy it after Bob's impressive coughing fit. Ollie had only just gotten over that bug; Felix didn't want to get too close, just in case he might become some sort of germ conduit… But luckily no hand was offered. Robert rummaged in the pockets of his grubby overcoat, producing a ring of keys with a triumphant look on his friendly, creased face. They jangled merrily as he gave them a little shake, the sunlight glinting from the metal and making Felix squint.
"Here we go… An' it's Bob- only me mother ever called me Robert, and only if I were up to mischief." Bob winked slyly, tapping the side of his nose. He reminded Felix of a mole; his dark eyes twinkled merrily, and he had big hands with short, stubby fingers. His nails were tipped with black, but Felix got the impression that it was good, honest dirt. It had probably built up over years, and no amount of scrubbing would ever get rid of it… But Felix was still glad that Bob was keeping his paws to himself. Molemen were a definite thing, weren't they? Maybe that was the answer; Bob was a burrower. He had probably popped out of a giant hole in an adjacent field after Felix had called him, and the coughing was actually Bob choking on loose soil. "Course, when weren't I? But that's neither here nor there. Come along, come along. Grand tour time, eh?"
Felix had, of course, given similar Grand Tours himself. He'd led Oliver's family about Saltburn like a paid museum guide, and near enough any guest who hadn't been to Saltburn before needed to be shown around the place. It was mandatory given the size of the house- the help had better things to do than play search and rescue because someone had gotten lost on the way to the loo, especially as having company over meant the staff would be working hard already.
Felix had expected this tour to be far shorter, given that this farmhouse could probably have fit inside Saltburn ten times over with room to spare, but Felix had underestimated their host. When Felix guided people through Saltburn's halls and galleries, he stuck to a tried'n'tested script. Point out an antique here, a painting there… It was just the way such things ought to be done, although Bob clearly hadn't gotten that memo. Instead Felix- and Oliver and the kids, but mostly Felix- had become a captive audience, and Bob was taking full advantage. They hadn't even gotten inside properly when he'd started talking, and it was quickly clear that Bob was more than happy to rabbit away about whatever happened to pop into his head.
That wasn't a problem in and of itself- Felix was great at nodding and occasionally saying oh, really?- but Bob kept scattering useful information throughout his anecdotes at odd intervals, which meant Felix needed to actually pay attention. That was easier said than done, especially as Bob's thick Dorset burr made Felix feel drowsy. The summer heat and the morning spent behind the wheel weren't helping matters; Felix found himself blinking hard and stifling yawns by clenching his jaw, desperately trying to remember what Bob had said about the boiler before he'd gone off on that tangent about the swallows that had nested in his friend's barn.
At least the house was far more promising than he'd thought. The low doorway had given Felix a sinking feeling, picturing a fortnight spent with either a sore neck from hunching or a sore head from forgetting to duck. He'd been pleasantly surprised to discover a step down just inside the front door; as long as he didn't tiptoe or jump, he could stand up relatively straight, and overall the house felt right. Bright and airy, with white-plastered walls and mismatched furniture, a wood burner in the living room and red-brick flooring in the kitchen-diner…. But Felix was especially pleased at the bedroom layout. There were three- Harry and Ellie would need to share- but two of the three were upstairs. The third was a new addition to the building, connected to the living room by a hallway with a door at both ends. Ensuite bathroom, a comfy-looking bed and- most importantly- locks on both the doors leading to it. Just in case. Knowing that he and Oliver would have proper privacy was enough for Felix to entirely scrap his first impression of the place. Hell, he might see if they could book it again for next year, if all went well.
"Where do you reckon Baz'll sleep?"
It was probably poor manners to let Ollie do all the unpacking, but Felix supposed it was fair. He'd done all the driving, after all, and he'd also be happy to live out of a suitcase rather than the chest of drawers. Of course, Olls was being fastidious again… But Felix was making sure the bed was comfy, which had to be helpful in some small way.
"Probably with Ruey or the girls. They get a little novelty, we get our bed to ourselves. Seems like a win-win to me."
A drawer closed with a scraping sound, and Oliver circled the foot of the bed to flop down on his back and stretch with a loud groan. It meant Ollie's t-shirt rode up, exposing a sliver of stomach that Felix couldn't help but touch. He flipped the hem up higher, Oliver squirming away with a snort. "Felix, don't you fuckin' tickle me..."
"I wasn't- or I didn't mean to. Surely you can't begrudge me a little cuddle, Olls?" It wasn't exactly fair to break out the puppy-dog eyes, but Felix had been awfully restrained for the whole day. He'd barely gotten to flirt when they'd arrived, and if he didn't get a top-up of affection soon something terrible might happen. Of course, he wasn't sure what, but that wasn't important. Only Oliver could save him from the cruelties of fate, so…
"Fine, fine, but just a cuddle." Ollie rolled onto his side, slinging an arm across Felix's waist. His begrudging act was almost convincing until he snuggled closer with a sigh. "Got too much to do to get carried away, Get some food in, finish up in here, make sure Baz's stuff's all unpacked… And the kids might be upstairs now, but…"
"They'll leave us alone. They'll be too busy exploring the place." Their bedroom had french doors that opened to the front of the house, but there were curtains. Open curtains right now, but if the cuddling did happen to escalate it'd be a moment's work to close them. Felix still had Ollie's bare skin under his fingers; he slipped them higher, stroking the curve of Oliver's waist. "And there's a hallway between us and…"
The loud knock couldn't have been better timed. It was sitcom perfect, a flurry of blows that made the both of them jump apart like guilty teenagers. Oliver tugged his shirt down as Felix sat up, leaning over to peer towards the door. The knock was at the far end of the hall, but the acoustics made it louder than it ought to have been. Had children somehow evolved to be cockblocking machines? There was surely some sort of biological justification for it- if they interrupted then there'd be less likelihood of siblings to share resources or something along those lines. Of course, if there'd been even the smallest chance of Oliver and Felix reproducing without some serious scientific intervention he'd have locked the doors, covered the windows, and gotten to it, knock or no knock. Yet there wasn't, and so Felix hauled himself up with one of his patented dad-grumbles. "This had better be bloody important."
"There's no wifi, daddy. And the signal here's terrible."
It was a miracle Felix managed to keep a straight face. The only reason he didn't lapse into mad giggles was how serious the kids all seemed. Even Basil was solemn, cradled in Ru's arms in a way reminiscent of a Madonna and Child painting. If he cracked he'd open up the floodgates of complaint, and they hadn't even been here for a day. "I swear that Bob fellow mentioned it-"
"He didn't." Oliver spoke from the hallway behind him, nudging Felix forward. The kids parted to allow him through, and Felix scanned the living room as if a router would magically appear. No such luck. "He told us about the boiler, the stove, and how the oven and showers work. He never mentioned internet."
"Ah." Felix paused, trying to think of the diplomatic answer. "Well, it's not so bad. We'll be out and about most days, and it might be nice to have a bit of a break. There's a DVD player, at least, and maybe we can pick up some board games in town- not monopoly. Maybe… Ru, you could be the dungeon maestro again?"
"It's not that easy, dad, it's not like… Scrabble." Rufus hefted Basil a little higher, and Harry cleared her throat at top volume. She had wandered over to the cabinet the hefty old TV sat on and had crouched to survey the dvd cases.
"We can't watch any of these." She glanced back to make sure she had everyone's attention, before setting one french-tipped nail against the first title and sliding it along the row. "Noddy, Bob the Builder, Peppa Pig, even The Wiggles, but there's nothing for anyone over ten. Not even Bluey, daddy."
"There's got to be something." Felix really didn't want to throw Lu under the bus again, even if it was for something as trivial as not checking the amenities on a holiday rental. In fact, knowing Lu she'd probably booked it purposefully, but she'd have organised activities instead of rocking up empty handed and being blindsided. He sidled over to kneel beside Harriet, leaning over and running his eyes over a mass of rounded letters and primary colours. There were some kids programs that were watchable- Pingu or Sooty and Sweep were always fun to find on YouTube- but it seemed like Harry's initial assessment was right. It was all TV for the five'n'unders, which seemed like an odd choice… But maybe previous holidaymakers had nicked all the grown-up DVDs? He wasn't going to ring Bob to ask about it, so there wasn't much point dwelling on it. Felix sighed, tugging a battered In The Night Garden boxset free and spotting something that had been wedged behind it. The DVDs beside the larger box weren't flush with the others either, and Felix made a triumphant noise as he scrabbled to get the hidden DVD case free. It was dark, although he couldn't see much of it, but that in itself was promising. "Here we go- we can nip into town and go on a film hunt tomorrow, but tonight we can watch, er…"
It came loose with a clatter, and Felix turned the cardboard case over in his hands to squint at the title in the hope it might change. He knew what this was- he'd recognised the photos of the cast on the back- but that didn't mean he was a fan. Vee and Farleigh had forced him to watch it a few times, but he'd been deeply in his emo phase… And if he hadn't been, he'd probably have been making fun of them about it.
Then again, it was this or Boohbah, so Felix mustered up a smile and held the box up for the others to see. "Twilight?"