Chapter Text
Kurogane studied Fai out of the corner of his eye, trying to drink him in without blatantly staring. The day was mild enough that Fai had his hood down, and his hair was being swept into a golden tangle by the breeze. He was humming under his breath, swinging the basket he held in his band, and he looked content. They had walked into town to pick up some goods, even though they could have ridden or sent for it to be delivered. But it was a temperate day, for Valeria at least, and Fai had suggested walking. Kurogane was happy to oblige, wanting to spend every moment he could with Fai. He was due to leave the kingdom next week, as per his contract. After that, there would be no official reason for him to stay. And yet, looking at Fai now, he realized that he couldn’t leave. Not before he found the courage to find out what he meant to Fai.
They had only grown closer since the night in the rain. Every spare moment they had, they spent together, Fai reaching for his hand or sitting on his lap or simply leaning against him. They talked for hours, and it felt easy. Sometimes, Fai talked about the past, sometimes something painful, sometimes just a funny story about Yui. Kurogane never pushed him— he could see how difficult it was for Fai to speak about things that he had bottled up for so long. But even though the resurfacing caused Fai to cry or to fall into long lapses of silence, he seemed the better for it, calmer and quieter than when Kurogane had first met him. And Kurogane couldn’t help but notice that ever since the rock slide incident, he had stopped taking anyone to bed. That doesn’t mean he wants you, Kurogane told himself. After what he’d been through, Fai might not ever want the kind of relationship that Kurogane wanted, serious and committed and, yes, physical. It was clear that he was a comfort to Fai, but he didn’t know if Fai saw him as more than that. If that was the case, he would have to accept it, and at least comfort himself with the thought that he had done some kind of good in Fai’s life. But he knew he would never forgive himself if he didn’t ask.
“Fai,” he said, and Fai turned to him, smiling. They were on a quiet backroad, and no one else was in sight. “You know that I’m leaving next week.” The smile on Fai’s face flickered, but then he determinedly put it back on.
“Yes,” he said. “You’re finally escaping my clutches. Mostly unscathed, I hope.” His tone was light, but the sparkle that had been in his eyes a moment before was gone.
“Fai,” Kurogane repeated, ignoring Fai’s attempt to obfuscate. They were past the point of playing games. Or he was, at least. “I don’t want to leave without you.” Fai stared at him for a second, too taken aback to mask his expression. And what was it that Kurogane saw there? Shock, fear, confusion, and— he could swear —hope.
“You…” Fai said, stammering over his words. “You want me to go with you?”
“I want you to come back with me,” Kurogane said firmly. “And I want to marry you,” he added quickly, to make sure that Fai didn’t think he was suggesting some other kind of arrangement. If Fai had looked startled before, he looked completely astonished now.
“Marry me?” he repeated faintly. “Is that… is that a proposal?”
“As best as I can make one,” Kurogane said, suddenly finding himself chuckling out of sheer nerves. “Would you like me to get down on one knee?” Fai let out a shaky laugh, but then he turned his head away, but not quickly enough that Kurogane couldn’t see the tears in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, stepping forward to take Fai into his arms. Fai moved back, but he let Kurogane grasp his hands.
“Prince Kurogane,” he whispered. “I’m far below your station. It wouldn’t be fitting.” Kurogane snorted.
“As if I care,” he retorted. “I’d want to marry you if you peeled potatoes in the kitchens. And besides, you’ve done more to help people as a physician than I ever have as a prince. If anything, I see you as my better.” Fai slowly turned his head to look at him, and his expression was so full of a raw, unguarded pain that he looked younger than he was, almost like a child.
“I could never be suitable. After what happened to me. After everything that I’ve done.” Kurogane suddenly remembered what Fai had said to him that night— who could love someone who was stained like that?
“Fai,” he said, firm but gentle, “Nothing that happened to you was your fault. It doesn’t change anything about how I see you.” Yes, Kurogane had been shocked by the sheer horrifying nature of Fai’s story, and since that night he’d felt a sort of grief settle over him, a mourning of all that had been done to Fai that he was powerless to protect him from. He’d never imagined this was Fai’s secret, and yet once he knew, so many things about Fai began to make sense, and he’d realized just how strong he was. “I love you, you know that by now.” Fai started to cry, and Kurogane reached out to hold him once again, and this time, Fai let him.
“And what about all the men I’ve been with?” he whispered against Kurogane’s chest. “Out of my own choice, I mean. I can’t even count how many. That is my fault, isn’t it?”
“I don’t care. I’ll never hold it against you. Just promise you’ll be mine from now on.”
“I’ve never had something like this,” Fai said, looking up at him. “I didn’t know I could feel this, this— love.” He said the word like it was foreign, like he was testing it out, but it was sweetness to Kurogane’s ears. “I mean, I loved Yui, of course, and I love Yukito and Tôya, and I guess I loved Ashura, in some terrible, twisted way.” Fai’s voice had dropped and he looked down for a moment before meeting Kurogane’s gaze. “But to love like this, romantically, so straight-forward and clear… I’ve never felt that. Not until now.”
“I’ll always do whatever I can to be worthy of your love.” Fai paused for a long moment before replying.
“But can I be worthy of yours? This is all new to me. I don’t know how to be, or what to do. I can’t think of myself as a prince’s husband.”
“You don’t have to think of yourself as a prince’s husband. Just as my husband. And you don’t need to be or do anything other than yourself. We’ll figure it out, together.” Kurogane could see the fear in Fai’s eyes melting, turning them softer than he’d ever seen. “So? What do you say?”
“I— yes,” Fai said, cheeks flushed, eyes shining. “Yes. If you’ll have me, then yes.” Kurogane tightened his hold on Fai, burying his face in Fai’s hair, breathing him in.
“Fai,” he said, pulling back. “Can I kiss you?”
“Of course,” Fai said, laughing. “You don’t have to ask.”
“I want to ask,” Kurogane said seriously, reaching out a hand to gently cup Fai’s jaw.
“Yes,” Fai whispered. “I want you to kiss me.” And when Kurogane kissed him, he tasted bittersweet, and edged with sadness, but most of all, he tasted like hope.
Kurogane paused for a long moment outside the heavy oak door before knocking. On their walk back to the castle— which took significantly longer than it should have as Fai kept stopping to kiss him, until his cheeks were flushed and his blue eyes hazy and he looked drunk with it— they had managed to make some room for practicalities. Tôya would have to be informed, so that he could let Fai go from his position. Fai had said he would talk to him, and he must have, for the next day Kurogane received a note that simply said “See me”, scrawled in Tôya’s elegantly arrogant hand. The brevity of the message was mildly terrifying, and Kurogane had to admit to feeling more than a little intimidated. But he squared his shoulders, drew a breath, and forced himself to knock confidently. He’d faced bloodthirsty hordes on the battlefield countless times, he wasn’t going to let the bratty King of Valeria get under his skin.
“Come in,” he heard Tôya call out indolently, and he pushed open the door. They weren’t meeting in the official throne room, or even in Tôya’s office, but in the anteroom of Tôya and Yukito’s own chambers. Kurogane looked around, surprised to see no servants, but only Tôya sprawled on a couch in front of the fire, with Yukito sitting beside him, working on some stitching. Tôya gave him a grim nod, but Yukito looked up at him, smiling. He was heavily pregnant, having been in confinement from public appearances for some time already.
“Prince Kurogane,” Yukito greeted him, making a move to get up. “I’ll let you two alone.”
“Stay,” Tôya said indulgently, waving a hand. “I know you’re dying to hear this.” Yukito flushed, but he didn’t protest, and he settled himself back onto the couch. “Take a seat,” Tôya continued, turning his attention to Kurogane.
“I’ll stand, thanks,” Kurogane returned, childishly pleased to be obstinate.
“As you please,” Tôya replied coolly, before going on in the same brisk tone. “So, Fai tells me that you asked him to marry you.”
“I did.”
“And he actually said yes,” Tôya said musingly. Kurogane didn’t reply to this but just glared pointedly. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I think he’s lucky to have you. I just didn’t think he’d have the sense to see it. He’s a stubborn thing. But then again, so are you.”
“I’m lucky to have him,” Kurogane countered.
“Nobly put. I won’t quibble with you. But you see, this is all rather vexing for me. If I’m to give this my approval, I’ll be losing the best physician this court has ever had.”
“Right, well, I’m sure we’re sorry for the inconvenience it’s causing you,” Kurogane said, with the least amount of sarcasm he could manage, which was still a considerable amount.
"And, moreover," Tôya said, his tone quieter now, ignoring Kurogane’s interjection. "I'll also be losing someone I've known since childhood, someone who is a dear friend to Yukito and I."
"I know," Kurogane said after a moment, more gently. "Fai and I will stay in Valeria until your baby arrives. And after that, I promise I'll take care of him. I'll do anything I can to make him happy."
"I believe you," Tôya said. "Or I wouldn't dream of allowing this. But as it is, I will. If Fai has found a man who can make something better of him than what he has been, I can't deny him the chance."
"Thank you," Kurogane replied stiffly. It was all a bit pompous, but he recognized that Tôya was, in his way, trying to be kind.
"That being said," Tôya continued. "You will understand that I will still need to ask for a dowry payment. Fai has no family, after all, and he's a member of my court. His absence will cause a significant loss to Valeria. The least you could do is provide some recompense." Ah. Kurogane had spoken too soon.
"My Lord," Yukito cut in, blushing. "Please, I'm sorry, forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn." Tôya nodded for him to go ahead, eyes softening when he looked at his husband. "We're so happy for Fai and Prince Kurogane. Surely the dowry can be dispensed with." Tôya paused for a moment, looking ready to acquiesce to Yukito's rarely made request, but Kurogane spoke before he could.
"No matter," he said gruffly. "I'll pay any sum you name. Fai is worth it to me." If this was some test Tôya was setting for him, he was determined to pass it. Besides, he didn't want to feel indebted to him. Fai would be his, and if he had to pay to free him from his official duties, he would.
"It's so romantic," Yukito couldn't help but blurt out, at which Tôya rolled his eyes, and then named a figure that Kurogane had to make an effort not to visibly react to. Still, he would have just enough in his personal funds to cover it, without having to ask Tomoyo for anything. That was a point of pride for him.
“Fine,” he said. “I can get that to you tomorrow.”
“Please,” Tôya said, waving a hand and grimacing slightly. “Take care of it with the Palace Treasurer. I don’t handle such matters myself.”
“Prince Kurogane, I’m so happy for you,” Yukito cut in, rising from the couch and grasping Kurogane’s hands. He was beaming, and looked so genuinely thrilled that Kurogane couldn’t help but smile back. “I would hug you, but I’m rather unwieldy at the moment,” Yukito said with a laugh, gesturing at his considerable belly.
“That’s alright,” Kurogane said quickly, quite glad that Yukito was physically incapable of hugging him when he caught the murderous glare that Tôya was directing at him.
“I knew you were the right match for Fai,” Yukito said emotionally. “And now you’ve swept him off his feet, like a fairytale prince.”
“I’m certainly no fairytale prince,” Kurogane said wryly. “I’m just a man. But I’ll do anything and everything I can for Fai.”
“I know you will.”
“And I have to thank you, for giving me encouragement when I was about to give up. And there were a lot of times when I almost did.”
“I know Fai’s heart,” Yukito said simply. “I knew he loved you. He started loving you quite a while ago.”
“Well, I am sorry to take him away from you,” Kurogane said, somewhat gruffly, trying to mask the surge of emotion he was feeling.
“I’ll miss him terribly,” Yukito said, “but I know this is what’s best for him. Fairytale prince or not, you can give him a happy ending.”
“I suppose this is when I should add that I’m pleased for you as well,” Tôya added dryly, rising to stand behind Yukito, placing a hand on his shoulder. His tone was laconic as usual, but there was warmth in his eyes, and Kurogane knew he was actually happy for them, if not to the extent of Yukito. “Marriage has been the greatest blessing in my life, and I wish the same for you and Fai.” Kurogane thanked them and took his leave, already anxious to be in Fai’s company again. It all felt like a dream, too good to be true, and he kept having to hold Fai to be reassured that it was real, that he wasn’t going to wake up and have it all disappear. He didn’t have to wait long, as Fai was waiting for him when he got to his room.
“Kuro-sama!” Fai cried, running forward and flinging his arms around him dramatically. “I was told that Tôya had summoned you. I didn’t think you’d come back in one piece.”
“Oh, I can handle him just fine,” Kurogane said with a chuckle, pressing a kiss to the top of Fai’s head. He loved when Fai acted like this, teasing, affectionate, spontaneous, with no art or intent to it.
“When I told him yesterday, he took it all quite stoically. I had no idea he’d take it out on you. Was he quite upset?”
“He wasn’t thrilled, but he wished us the best,” Kurogane said, deciding that Fai didn’t need to know about the dowry— it would only embarrass him.
“I’m glad he wasn’t too scary. He’s really all bark and no bite,” Fai said, laughing, before tilting his head to look up at Kurogane, a slightly mischievous look in his eyes. “Now, aren’t you going to kiss me properly?”
“As you wish,” Kurogane said, and he obliged, giving Fai a kiss that he certainly couldn’t complain about, if the way he sighed into Kurogane’s mouth and melted into his arms meant anything.
“I missed you,” Fai whispered into his ear when they finally broke for air. His voice was light and sweet, but there was an undeniable heat in his eyes that was the furthest thing from innocent. Kurogane didn’t say anything— he was breathing too hard, heart racing. “You know,” Fai continued, silkily. “You’ve never even shown me your bedroom, despite the fact that you’ve been in mine so many times. Quite rude of you, really.”
“I can fix that,” Kurogane said lowly, before picking Fai up in one fluid movement and swinging him over his shoulder. Fai cried out in delighted surprise as Kurogane carried him into his bedchamber, pulling Kurogane down with him when he set him on the bed, long legs immediately wrapping around Kurogane’s hips, pulling him close. Kurogane unsuccessfully tried to stifle a moan as Fai rolled their hips together, grabbing Kurogane’s braid and giving it a not too gentle pull that felt like heaven.
“You want to fuck me so bad, don’t you?” Fai murmured, eyes glinting. “But you wouldn’t until you knew you had me all to yourself, hmm?” Fai had slipped his hand in between the folds of Kurogane’s robes, his fingers brushing against the taut muscles of his stomach, making Kurogane’s breath catch. “You can make me yours now,” Fai continued, hand travelling lower. “I can take whatever you can give me.” Kurogane grabbed Fai’s wrist before he could reach his destination, and Fai blinked up at him in confusion. “What—”
“Fai,” Kurogane said softly, rolling off of him to lie beside him, pressing a kiss to the inside of the wrist that he was still holding. “I think— I think we should wait.” Fai’s look of confusion only increased, which was honestly fair, considering that Kurogane had just bodily carried him into his bedroom. “I’m sorry,” Kurogane continued. “I got carried away. You’re just so beautiful.”
“But why not let ourselves get carried away? I mean, we’re engaged,” Fai said with a laugh. Kurogane paused for a second, trying to think carefully about what he wanted to say. This was delicate, and he didn’t want to misstep. They’d only gotten engaged yesterday, and even kissing Fai was new to him, a wonder that needed savouring. He wanted to be with Fai, of course he did, but what they had built together was so important that it deserved patience.
“Fai, we have our whole lives,” Kurogane said gently, tucking a loose strand of Fai’s hair behind his ear. “We don’t need to rush. We can wait until it’s right.”
“And when will it be right?” Fai asked, eyebrow arching.
“We’ll only be in Valeria about another month, until Yukito’s baby arrives, and then we’ll get married as soon as we return to my kingdom. It won’t be long, and we’ll know each other even better by then.” Something cold came into Fai’s eyes, and he pulled away from Kurogane.
“Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s a little late for me to be a virgin on the wedding night.”
“Fai, it’s not about that,” Kurogane said, and he tried to reach for him, but Fai jerked away. “I have some history too, I don’t care about that. But why can’t we make that commitment to each other, to wait until our wedding night? Or longer, if we need more time. We can do that. Take care with each other. Make it as special as it can be.” Fai looked up at the ceiling, pointedly ignoring Kurogane’s searching gaze.
“If you’re trying to recreate me into your perfect, pure husband, you’ve picked the wrong person,” Fai said, in a small, hard voice. “I haven’t been pure in a very long time. I won’t ever be again, even if we try to pretend this is all some fairytale.” Yukito’s words from earlier in the day came back to Kurogane— And now you’ve swept him off his feet, like a fairytale prince. Was he so caught up in his vision of saving Fai that he was trying to fit him into some romanticized picture? But he knew that he accepted Fai as a whole, messy and complex and broken, as he himself was. This wasn’t about that.
“I don’t want to make you into anything, Fai. And certainly not perfect or pure. This isn’t about purity— it’s about safety. I want you to know that you’re safe with me. Before you share something so precious with me, I want to vow to you in front of everyone that I will always love and protect you.” Fai finally turned to look at him, his eyes still guarded, but he let Kurogane put his arm around him again.
“You always make me feel so… earthly,” Fai whispered. “For wanting you. For having desire. For not being so… noble about it.”
“Oh, God, no,” Kurogane said with a hoarse laugh, pulling Fai closer. “I love that you want me. And I want you so bad. You know that.” He pressed against Fai to let him feel the evidence, and he saw a smirk flash across his lips. “It’s almost driven me crazy sometimes.” He leant forward for a kiss, and Fai let him, body opening up to his, unfurling. “But you’re so special to me. I want to do everything right by you.” He kissed him again, and felt a shiver run through Fai. “But if you want me now, I won’t deny you. I would never deny you anything.” Fai buried his face in Kurogane’s chest, nestling there for a moment before looking up at him, his eyes wide open, vulnerable.
“If you wait for me, I’ll wait for you,” he whispered. Kurogane smiled, his heart full of a love so fierce it almost hurt, and he held Fai tightly, pressing a reverent line of kisses on his forehead. They lay in each other’s arms for a long time, kissing slowly, the heat of desire abating to something softer, but no less intense. There was something quiet and achingly present in Fai— he was entirely there with Kurogane, no veil between them, no games or pretenses being played. Even though it would be hard to wait, Kurogane was certain this was the right choice for them. Fai had endured a horrific amount of trauma, and he’d learned to deal with the pain through more sex. Kurogane didn’t blame him— he could hardly imagine going through what Fai had— but he also knew that if it had helped Fai survive, it had also hurt him deeper. With Fai’s history, they couldn’t afford to treat sex lightly. If they were going to have a meaningful physical relationship, it would take a lot of time, and gentleness, and love, all of which he was determined to give Fai. He was determined that would create something new, instead of repeating old patterns, and if that meant delayed gratification, he could be a patient man.
“I should probably head back to my room,” Fai said with a laugh when Kurogane let out a yawn.
“No, stay,” Kurogane replied. He hated the thought of Fai sleeping alone in his bed. He hadn’t been able to go back to Fai’s room once he’d learned everything that had happened there. He figured it was Fai’s way of punishing himself, by living constantly with the past, but now that he was here, he wouldn’t let Fai hurt himself anymore.
“If you’re so concerned about propriety, Kuro-sama, you know it won’t look very appropriate if I stay with you overnight,” Fai said teasingly.
“I don’t care what it looks like,” Kurogane replied. “Whatever we do or don’t do is between us. People can say what they like.”
“You’re so gallant, Kuro-tan,” Fai said with a smirk, and Kurogane flushed a little, but he wasn’t entirely displeased with the label, at least when it came from Fai. And so Fai stayed, and Kurogane almost wished he could stay awake all night, just to watch Fai sleeping in his arms. But then he reminded himself of what he’d told Fai earlier— we have our whole lives —and he let himself drop off to sleep, knowing that whatever he dreamed could never be sweeter than the life, and the man, he would wake up to.
“Let’s stop here,” Kurogane said, as they came upon a small stream, running fast with clear glacial water. He and Fai dismounted from their horses, and Kurogane spread out his riding cloak on the ground so that they could sit. He pulled Fai in close when they were seated, ostensibly to keep him warm, but really because he was just happy to finally have some time alone with him. Yukito had given birth last week to a healthy baby girl, the future Queen of Valeria, and Fai had been by his side pretty much constantly, only slipping into Kurogane’s bed at odd hours to catch a quick nap while both Yukito and the baby were sleeping. Kurogane admired his dedication, but he certainly hadn’t had enough Fai in his life of late. Sometimes he would wake up in the night and reach for Fai, and his heart would sink when he found himself grasping at nothing. It was strange how quickly he’d become used to having Fai in his bed, after so many years of sleeping alone.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he said, burying his face in Fai’s hair and breathing him in.
“Missed me?” Fai said with a laugh, but Kurogane could see from the sparkle in his eyes that he was pleased. “I haven’t gone anywhere!”
“I know,” Kurogane said, flushing slightly at how honestly he was revealing his need for Fai. “I just miss you anyways.” He ran his fingers through Fai’s golden hair, captivated as always by its beauty, and still amazed that he could now touch and smell and kiss it as much as he wanted.
“I’ve been neglecting you, haven’t I?” Fai said teasingly, as he pulled away to take out of his bag the package of tarts (lemon, of course) that they’d picked up in the village. He passed one to Kurogane and bit down on his own, an expression of contentment flitting over his features.
“I didn’t say that,” Kurogane protested, mouth half full of tart. “I know you’ve been busy helping Yukito. How is he doing, by the way?”
“Pretty well,” Fai replied. “The little princess is gaining weight nicely, and Yukito is recovering. Tôya is doting on him, of course.” Fai paused for a pensive moment, staring out over the stream to the jagged ridges of the mountains in the distance. “But it’s been emotionally hard for him. It’s all very… bittersweet.” Kurogane gave Fai a look, but he kept his eyes fixed on the distance.
“Because of the baby he lost?” Kurogane finally asked.
“Yes,” Fai said slowly, before pausing for a long moment. He turned to face Kurogane, and there was a strange look in his eyes, watchful, even a bit calculating, and slightly defiant. It made him think of the way Fai used to be, and it made an alarm ring in his chest. “Kurogane,” Fai continued. “If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it secret?”
“Of course,” Kurogane said, slightly offended. “Your confidences are my confidences. You know that.”
“Yes, I do,” Fai said, expression softening. “It’s just that this really isn’t my secret to tell. I wouldn’t say anything, but it does involve me, and if we’re going to be married, I think you have to know this.” Kurogane didn’t like his use of the conditional, but he didn’t say anything, just nodded in what he hoped was a reassuring way even though his chest was tightening uncomfortably. He’d thought he’d uncovered all of Fai’s secrets.
“You know that Yukito came from another kingdom,” Fai continued after a moment. “He arrived at my door quite mysteriously, hearing that I also have magic and wondering if I could help him find a position as a seer to the court. He was very shy, but I liked him immediately, and I tried to make him feel as welcome as possible in a new place. Yuki’s so sweet that anyone would like him, but I could also tell that he’d been through something, and it made me feel, well, almost protective of him. It had been so long since I’d felt anything like that.” Fai paused for a moment, smiling wryly. “I wasn’t the only one who took a liking to him. Tôya fell for him almost immediately. I’d never seen anything like it. It truly was love at first sight. And Yukito was equally smitten. It seemed certain that wedding bells were in the future, and I was happy for them. Tôya’s father had died recently, and he’d become King at a young age. I could tell he was lonely, that he needed someone to ground him.” Kurogane bristled at the mention of the old King, but he didn’t interrupt. “But then one night, Yukito came to my room, crying his eyes out. It turned out that he’d left his home because of an affair gone wrong. He’d gotten involved with an older man, not knowing that he was already married. And he was pregnant with this man’s child.”
“What?” Kurogane burst out, unable to contain himself. Fai gave a sad nod.
“As you know, the gift of prophecy is not all encompassing, and it can’t be summoned at will. When Yukito had found out he was pregnant, he’d gone to his lover, happy and excited, expecting that he would do the right thing by him. But that’s when he told him that he already was married with children, and that he wanted nothing more to do with Yukito. Yukito’s family insisted he get rid of the baby so that no one would know about the pregnancy, but he couldn’t do it. They kicked him out and that’s how he ended up in Valeria. He had planned to have the baby here, and bear the shame of being unmarried and with child in a foreign place where nobody knew him. But he hadn’t planned on falling in love with the King.” Fai was silent for a long time, and Kurogane started to get a sinking feeling. “He wouldn’t say it in so many words, but I knew he was wondering if I knew how to end a pregnancy. And I did. Ashura hadn’t neglected to teach me that. But I told him he would have to decide very soon. He was far along enough that he would start showing soon.”
“Fai—” Kurogane said, voice barely above a whisper. He suddenly didn’t know if he wanted to hear the rest, but it was clear that Fai was determined to continue.
“It was a horrible decision for him. And the thing is, Tôya hadn’t even proposed to him yet. He would be giving up his baby for a possibility, not a certainty. But he had to act quickly, or he would lose his chance to be with Tôya forever. And he’d realized with all the clarity that had earlier eluded him that Tôya was the man he was meant to be with.”
“But why?” Kurogane interjected. “I don’t understand how he could abort the child he’d left his home to save. Couldn’t there be a way around it? If he’d explained it all to Tôya?”
“Even if they’d married immediately, the timing was wrong. The baby couldn’t have been passed off as Tôya’s. You know what a scandal it would be. It would be impossible for the King to be married to someone who’d had a child out of wedlock. Besides, who could say if Tôya would have married him, if he’d known?” Fai took a trembling breath. “So that’s why it’s been hard on Yukito. When he miscarried, he thought maybe it was some kind of punishment. And even now that he and Tôya have a child of their own, he still feels the grief of it, and the guilt. It’s all come back up afresh, actually. And because I’m the only person who knows about it, he’s wanted me by his side.” There was a lapse of charged silence before Kurogane spoke, voice shaking.
“Fai, I can’t believe you did that.”
“I did,” Fai, his voice barely a whisper, but he didn’t break Kurogane’s gaze. “And I’ve done it on other occasions, when I felt someone was really in need.”
“In need?” Kurogane exclaimed. “I don’t exactly see how it was a need.”
“I didn’t see why Yukito should suffer his whole life because he trusted the wrong man. And Tôya would suffer as well. They would love each other forever and never be able to be together. I wanted them to be happy.”
“And was that worth a child’s life?” Fai turned away abruptly, as though Kurogane had slapped him.
“I’m still not sure,” he said softly. “But I do know that sometimes sacrifices have to be made, and there’s not always a right answer.” He thought about what Fai had said to him earlier— if only we were either innocent or guilty, life would be much more simple. He was beginning to realize how many shades of grey there were to Fai. He always liked things straightforwardly black and white, soldier’s honour, and somehow he'd fallen in love with someone entirely made of nuance.
“And he never told Tôya?” Kurogane asked after a moment, head still spinning.
“No,” Fai said, and there was a hint of challenge to his voice. “And why should he? It would only make Tôya miserable to know that Yukito had to make that decision. It might destroy a perfectly happy marriage.”
“He should tell him because there aren’t supposed to be secrets in a happy marriage, Fai,” Kurogane replied, voice hard.
“And why do you think I’m telling you this?” Fai whispered, and there was something imploring in his eyes. There was a long pause, heavy and nauseating, and Kurogane could see Fai’s eyes going flat before he broke his gaze and looked down at the ground.
“Fai,” he said finally, reaching for his hand. "I'm sorry. I’m not here to judge you, or anyone.”
"I wanted you to know," Fai said, so quietly it was almost under his breath. "I wanted you to know everything about me and still want me."
"Of course I want you. I always will. I’ve chosen you."
“But you think less of me now.”
“No,” Kurogane said honestly. If anything, he thought less of himself for reacting so quickly with repulsion. “I’m glad you told me, even though it was hard. I want to earn your trust.”
“You have,” Fai replied, looking up at him again. “Over and over again, you have.” And his smile was faint and wavering, but it was there, the sweetest offering. Kurogane reached out and took it, kissing him deeply and putting all the reassurance he could into it. After they broke apart, Fai rested his forehead against Kurogane’s, their soft breathing clouding in the cold, becoming one breath just before disappearing into the air.
“I don’t want you to think badly of Yukito because of what I told you,” Fai said softly. “We all have our secrets, you know. We all have some darkness in us.” And Kurogane knew he wasn’t talking about Yukito anymore.
“I know, Fai,” he said gently. “But you’ll never be alone with it again.” And when we kissed him again, it was a promise, more certain than one with words could ever be.