Archive of Our Own ^beta

Of all the clusterforks to hit The Good Place, Janet’s murder was the one Eleanor liked best.  

Janet’s cheerful delivery of her own murder announcement was a creepy delight. That was reason enough for it to rank way ahead of the day when the lake turned into Jell-O (Which still seemed like a completely unfair consequence to Eleanor. Weren’t lawyers supposed to be argumentative? Even if the conversation was about what counted as a real dessert, instead of something gross pretending to be one? She was just trying to stay in character! Stupid Good Place reaction mechanisms.) 

Which led into another reason the murder had been the bestastrophe: it could not have been her fault. She’d been helping Tahani set up the lakeside cabins for Bambajahn’s St. Patrick’s Day party when it happened. They were both just moving centerpieces around the tables, Eleanor waiting quietly while Tahani fussed over the perfect configuration, when the announcement startled them both. 

Shortly after, Michael informed them that the boats wouldn’t operate without Janet’s oversight, leaving them stranded in the cabins for a few days at least. And when the cabins got cold, they’d gathered blankets and settled into one of the beds to wait it out. 

And then, well, things escalated the way Eleanor had wanted them to, and at this moment, that meant she and Tahani were naked, exhausted, and very sweaty. She buried her face against Tahani’s neck, breathing hard. 

Tahani gently pulled away. “We should stop.” 

“Is this about drawing things out? We don’t need to do some crazy Sting-level tantric sex to get amazing orgasms.” 

"It pains me to criticize Gordon, but that was just a lot of tosh he said to impress a reporter. He was depressed because the album that he wrote about me hadn't gone double platinum yet.” 

“I knew it was bullshirt! We’re on the same page, great!” Eleanor scooted closer and ran her hand down Tahani’s back. 

Tahani wriggled away. “No, we’re not! We can't do this again! We aren't soulmates."  

"Oh, come on. This is The Good Place. It shouldn’t have rules saying you can only smash your soulmate. I can't imagine Esmeralda is satisfied with just Chris, can you? Pretty sure they're down to swing with whoever else is up for it. And anyway, your soulmate is the concept of virtue, and mine is a golden retriever. We're not meant to be having sex with our soulmates.” 

"We could get caught," Tahani pointed out. "And if we do, they may suspect there's something wrong with us, because we don’t respect the soulmate system." 

Damn. Eleanor should have expected post-nookie regrets. Lots of people had them after sleeping with her, and she was used to talking them out of whatever hangups were gumming the works. This wasn’t one of those situations. Tahani had a valid concern. But Eleanor had never let a sensible argument stand in the way of getting some, and she wasn't about to start now. There was always a way through; she just needed to find it. "We could say that we are being faithful to our soulmates, in the ways that matter to them. I can say that Goldie can sense when I'm happy, and that makes him happy." 

Tahani’s expression twisted into a grimace. “That’s all well and good for you, because dogs are simple creatures that are easily pleased. My soulmate has standards. To be faithful to my soulmate, my actions must be virtuous.” That air of superiority shouldn’t have been hot, but maybe it was the way that she looked with slightly-tousled hair. Or maybe Tahani’s superpower was the ability to break all of Eleanor’s Rules of Hotness with ease. 

Eleanor resisted the urge to point out Tahani’s less-than-virtuous traits that she was perfectly willing to display in public, like name-dropping or obviously competitive party planning. That could be a “for later” conversation, because Eleanor could see a way to get things back on track.  

“No humans are hurt by us doing the horizontal mambo. It makes us happy, shouldn’t that be virtuous enough?" 

“I think the Harm Principle said that people should be allowed to do things that harm no one else. Just because something is allowed, that doesn’t make it virtuous. It's like taking the gift bags you get for being a presenter at an awards ceremony. It’s allowed, and even expected, but it’s not inherently virtuous,” Tahani argued. 

“Are you comparing sex with me to an awards show swag bag?” Eleanor asked, more curious than offended. 

“Absolutely not! One of them has skin-replenishing serums, and the other could be one-way ticket to the Bad Place.” Tahani’s eyes flickered towards Eleanor with a meaningful look. “Unless we could come up with a reason why it’s virtuous. It has to be genuine, or we’ll all suffer a rain of rabbits or something equally unsubtle and juvenile.”  

Eleanor felt a flash of relief. Tahani wasn't trying to push Eleanor. She was actively searching for a way that they could be together.  Eleanor tried to be as casual as she could in the wake of this revelation. “Sheesh, I knew you were a high-maintenance bench, but I didn’t know I’d need to find a philosophical justification for tapping that ash again. If I had known, I would have paid closer attention to Chidi’s lectures.”  

She burrowed deeper under the covers, inching a little closer. Tahani watched her, but did not move away. “Ok, so there was this cool group of philosophers with a name that sounded like the sexy iPhone voice. You know, the ones who believed the pursuit of pleasure was the greatest good.” 

“The, um, the Cyreniacs,” Tahani suggested. “But Chidi always pointed out the ways that they ignored the harmful effects of pursuing pleasure at the expense of others.” 

“But like I said, we’re not hurting any living beings. Goldie doesn't care what I do, as long as he gets a million treats every day. And your soulmate can’t be hurt, because it exists no matter what we do.”  

Tahani looked doubtful, so Eleanor quickly jumped to the next thought that popped into her head. “Say we’re not sure if those Siri-maniacs guys were right about pleasure being the ultimate goal. What about those philosophy guys that say that the best way to learn about the world is by doing things, instead of just reading books or staying stuck in our heads all the time?” 

“So our argument is that this,” Tahani gestured between their naked bodies, “is at heart a practical experiment of the philosophical soundness of the Cyreniacs’ beliefs, in the absence of harm to others.” 

“Sure, babe,” Eleanor said with a grin. “But you know, we might need to run a lot of tests. And maybe run them again several thousand times. Just to be sure.” 

“I’m sure we can manage that,” Tahani said, leaning in for a kiss. They continued their experiments, until they were interrupted by a loud knock at the door. After a mad scramble to get dressed, they opened the door to Jason and Chidi. Chidi looked both terrified and nauseous. 

“Hey, homies,” Jason said. “We were worried about you being out here by yourselves. Janet couldn’t get the boats to work, but she did make us some dope jet skis.” 

“When you asked her for some Flaming Cheetos,” Chidi added. "Which doesn’t inspire much confidence in Janet’s recovery or in the safety of those jet skis.” 

“We had to do something!” Jason exclaimed. “I didn’t want you guys to get scared and start a tire fire like I did the last time I got lost in Ikea.” 

Chidi gave Eleanor one of his long-suffering Can you believe they thought this guy was my soulmate looks .  

“Just for the record, Janet’s murder was not my fault,” she told Chidi. 

“I know,” he said. The fear seemed to kick up a few notches. “It was me,” he confessed. 

“Really?” Tahani asked. 

“Really,” Chidi said, radiating misery. “I’m the one who stranded you here.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Eleanor said, grinning at Tahani. “This was our favorite fork-up ever.” 

“It really was no problem at all,” Tahani agreed, with a gracious smile. “We took the opportunity to brush up on our philosophy lessons.”