Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Grahammmm, overly punctual as always!"

Maya said with a laugh and a wink as she went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"Yeah, I've been a bit intimidated by Beckett since I was late a week ago..."

I laughed at her and saw her trying not to burst out laughing like she did a week ago. Last week I was half an hour late for shift change and Beckett asked me straight into his office and made me do the whole station’s laundry since then.

"I'm sure he'll calm down soon and then you won't have to do the laundry anymore"

Maya said as she stroked my shoulders and looked at the textbook lying open on the table in front of me.

I had borrowed a book from Diane to study for Crisis One and tried to read something in it over my morning coffee. Maya sat down next to me, pulled the book towards her and read the title out loud:

“Understanding people's aggressive behavior and how to deal with it.“

She looked at me questioningly and raised her eyebrow:

“Why isn't this mandatory for every first responder?"

I just shrugged my shoulders and assured her that I was of the same opinion that everyone should have read this at least once in their general training.

At that moment, Victoria and Travis entered the hallway and wished us a good morning. Vic saw the book in front of us and seemed to recognize it from Diane:

"Studying hard Mila? I'm sooo proud of you! Crisis One will only get better with you!"

She hugged me jokingly and pulled Maya in with her as Maya pouted jokingly:

"Without me?"

Andy entered the room with Ben and Jack, saw our hug, laughed enthusiastically, ran to us with open arms and said:

"Group hug?! I'm in!"

Jack ran after her pulling Travis with him and hugging the group. After a good minute Travis asked the question of all questions, which Ben was also asking himself by now:

“Why are we actually hugging? Not that I don't like it, I just want to ask"

Vic replied with a simple

“Because we all love each other sooooo much"

And shortly afterwards we were all interrupted by Beckett, who entered the kitchen with Theo, announced the start of the shift and called for everyone to line up

Down in the hall we lined up and I was already expecting him to repeat that I still had to do the laundry for the shift, which he did:

“Good morning 19, the last shift has already checked and cleaned the vehicles, but the oxygen still needs to be checked and replaced if necessary. Ruiz, Warren, please do that. Herrera, Bishop, you check the hoses and Graham, Gibson, Montgomery, you check the stock in the ambulance. And Graham, don't forget the laundry, you keep doing that too. For the vehicle dispatches, Sullivan you're on desk duty, Hughes, Graham you're on the aid car. Warren, Montgomery, Herrera, Gibson you're on the fire truck, Bishop, Ruiz and myself are on the ladder. And now get to work 19!"

Beckett ran into his office and we started on our assigned tasks. I went with Gibson and Montgomery to the aid-car and checked the inventory of medications and supplies with them.

“Morphine is missing one"

said Travis, who counted the morphine syringes and I entered a missing syringe on the list, which Jack immediately fetched and handed to Travis to fill up in the back of the car.

After half an hour, jack apparently came up with ideas other than medication and utensils and asked:

“It's almost 1pm, we could start planing what to eat and who's cooking or ordering food soon, dont we?"

I suggested that we could order something from the new Chinese takeaway together, but someone would have to pick up the food as they didn't have a delivery driver yet. Travis and Jack were convinced by the idea and after we had replenished our stock in the car we went to ask the rest of the team what they thought of the idea.

Beckett ended up being the only one who refused to order, which didn't surprise us as he never cooked or ate with us. We wrote down the order numbers of our dishes and agreed that in 3 to 4 hours Jack and I would pick up the orders.

The next few hours passed relatively quickly, we were called to a small fire in a detached house where the dinner on the stove had started to catch fire. The fire in the kitchen was quickly contained and the mother was taken to Grey Sloan with mild smoke inhalation. The children and father were uninjured and were able to stay with relatives until the kitchen could be renovated.

Vic and I were the last ones back at the station because of the Grey Sloan visit and back at the station Jack immediately came to me:

"I'll make a quick call that we'll pick up the food at 5pm okay? You can quickly take a shower as well, you should definitely be able to take the time for that"

I nodded and replied:

"Sure, thanks for calling, I'll hurry and let the others know we can have dinner around 5:15."

Jack nodded and pulled out his cell phone to dial the number and I heard him place the first order as I walked up the stairs. Once I got upstairs, I saw that Travis, Ben and Theo were already finished as well as Jack since they had gotten back to the station first before the ambulance... I quickly let them all know that we would be picking up the food soon and went to our lockers.

Maya, as well as Andy, let them go first to have their usual gossip in the shower together. Arriving at my locker and met Vic, who was also just starting to gather her stuff to shower.

Inside the showers, Maya and Andy were chatting about Beckett and how they couldn't understand why he was such an ass to us at times. I joined in the conversation and just said:

"I could just bleach his laundry by accident or some shit"

Andy laughed, but noted that it would probably cost me my job or I would have desk duty for life.

"You still don't have to do our laundry, by the way, so you know!"

Maya now said quite seriously to me and looked sternly at me from the edge of her shower curtain.

"You guys are the best, but if you want me to do them, please just say so, it's my job at the moment."

I felt a bit insecure, what if Beckett finds out and I end up doing his laundry until the end of his duty?
However, Andy immediately contradicted me and looked at me with shampoo in her hair, pointing at me seriously:

"You keep your hands off our laundry! You may still be the newbie for him, but for us you're an important and full member of the 19!"

Vic now spoke up and also looked over at me from her cabin:

"You're also only 21, so we're like your parents here, right?"

Maya nodded towards Vic and me:

"Mama May will otherwise spank your buttocks, keep your fingers out of our laundry!"

I laughed with the others at Maya's statement and got into my shower to shower off myself as well.

After showering and getting fully dressed again, I went straight down to jack, who had already pulled up his car:

"Let's go to get our fooooood!"

I shook my head with a laugh, got in and took over the role of the DJ for the short but very fun drive to the restaurant.

I sang along loudly to the song I had chosen:

"WHOOO LET THE DOGS OUT"

And Jack didn't disappoint me as he sang along loudly as well:

"WHO WHO WHO WHO WHOOO!"

Jack stopped outside the restaurant, which was only 3 mins away to Station 19, and took the first bags to the car while I placed my bag down, took my money out and payed. Jack was next to me at the time, holding the last items in his arms nearly dropping them. I took something from him and helped him carry it into the car. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my bag at this point and would definitely regret it later...

Back at the station Travis stood together with Theo in front of the door to help us carry in.
In the kitchen the table was already set by Ben, Vic and Andy. We sat down together and handed each other the right dish. As it turned out, Carina had also come for dinner and sat down opposite me next to Maya, who apparently remembered the statement of vic from the shower:

„Carina, Mila is by the way now our adopted daughter, but we share the custody with Vic and Andy!"

I chuckled and shaked my head.

“Don’t let her touch the laundry tho Carina!“ Threw Andy into the conversation

Maya added toward me:

“For your sake, I better hope you don't touch it.”

I was a little intimidated by Maya's seriousness and became afraid for the well-being of my backside even though I knew it's a joke:

“Please leave my butt in peace”

Carina had to laugh but became serious as well, she knew about my task of doing the laundry:

"If I see you doing Andy's, Vic's or Maya's laundry you'll be dealing with me and not Maya, you can be sure of that"

Andy had to chuckle:

"The disadvantages of being 21 but by far the youngest... you probably have to fear for your ass a while now with Maya and Carina being your main parents."

Carina and Maya looked me straight into my eyes and nodded.

I swallowed and laughed:

"I won't get into your laundry, I promise.“

"Her real parents will surely be against calling her your child from now on."

Jack laughed along with the others and I tried to join in the giggles. Travis seemed to be the only one to notice that I wasn't entirely comfortable with the joke.

"Hey, are you alright?"

he asked in a whisper, sitting next to me so that the others, who were still laughing, didn't notice. Except for Vic, who was sitting on my other side, who apparently also noticed through Travis behaviour that something was off and changed the subject for me:

"Hey Ben, who's Miranda and Pru by the way, didn't they want to join us for dinner like carina?"

Ben replied:

"Miranda's on the late shift tonight and Pru's with Tuck and Joey, they're both happy to look after her."

"Oh, I didn't know, but Pru has to come and visit us next week for that!"

I was already more than two-thirds done with my meal when I realized that my bag was missing. "Shit, I left my bag in the store." I got up, muttered some fucks under my breath and put the rest of my food in the microwave to warm it up later on and continue eating after getting my bag back:

"Sorry, I'll be right back, I have to hurry before the store closes!"

I ran down the stairs, through the door towards the main street. I took a quick look at the clock, it was just after 6, the bus would take longer than just running one stop, I thought, and ran off.

Chapter Text

It only took me 4 minutes to jog to the store and I gratefully took my bag from the woman. On my way back, which I walked a little slower, I got a message from Vic asking if I had made it before they closed. I replied with a thumbs up and added:

"Just in time :)"

She sent a picture of Ben posing in a victory pose and added:

"That's our Graham!"

I put my cell phone back in my pocket and enjoyed the already fresher air. It had gotten a little darker and the lights from the restaurant behind me went out, which meant it was now 6 o'clock. I saw the bus approaching behind me, but thought that a short walk back might be more enjoyable. The bus passed me at a slower pace and stopped slightly in front of me by the sidewalk. Only one person got up inside, who gave me a kind of creepy look.

I thought nothing of it and walked past the bus and saw station 19 about 200 meters ahead. the mechanical doors opened behind me and two footsteps exited the inside of the bus. The bus started moving again and shortly afterwards I only saw it drive off down the street in front of me. I could have had it back so comfortably, instead I walk, I thought and laughed at myself. I noticed that the footsteps behind me were getting louder and faster, but I didn't turn around, I thought that would be too impolite.

I also started to walk a little faster, as well as the footsteps behind me, which made me feel a little unsettled. Out of fear, I was already looking around for other people or ways out. To my left was a knee-high brick wall, on which a forest of bushes and small trees formed a few meters into the distance. On the other side there was only industry and not a soul, not even cars. I was on the remote side of the road leading to the Station 19 and by now I was really regretting not getting on the bus.

A light laugh behind me, which was only a few steps behind me, made cold sweat run down my back. I closed my cardigan and was already protecting my fists with the end of my sleeves. Just in case... I thought and then it was already too late.

The man had sneaked up behind me, one arm around my waist, the other around my face and mouth.

I screamed for help, but who was around to find me? I had hopes that there was someone else around that I hadn't seen before...

But that was not the case. I kicked around and hit his head to somehow free myself. He just seemed to be turned on by my behavior and acted like it was some kind of foreplay for him. He threw me with full force against the wall on the elevation with bushes and trees. I hit the ground with my arms first and felt a burning pain in my forearms, the skin was scraped open...

I tried to get up but only got a push from behind, which drove me another 2 meters forward into the undergrowth of bushes. Back on the ground I felt a hand grabbing my hair, which forced me forward. Tears of pain and fear had already formed in my eyes and I tried to harm him again to get out of there, but he blocked it with a punch to my chin.

"You stay here until I'm done with you!"

He shouted at me and I began to realize what he wanted from me. He wasn't planning to rob me, no, he had more serious and cruel plans...

He pushed me down until I was sitting in front of him, supporting myself with my arms behind me. I tried to beg him to leave me alone but this only made him angry. He kicked the insides of my legs to get them apart and when I resisted he knelt down and came closer to me while I tried to crawl backwards.

He jerked my upper body backwards onto the floor and screamed at me not to move or I would regret it. I fell into tears and fear and layed completely flat on the floor. When he tried to kiss me and I reflexively moved my head to the side I fucked up, he stood up and kicked me in the hip and mocked:

"Ungrateful whore"

He tried to pull my pants down and I continued to resist his obvious attempt to rape me:

"Please, leave me alone, I don't want this, please no, I don't want this!"

He just had to smile wider in response and dropped down on top of me, grabbing my arms above my head and pressing them into the floor.

"You'll want it once I've started"

He pulled away from my hands with one hand and managed to hold both of my arms with just one. I had almost given up by now and only tried to stop him with exhausted kicking, while he had almost started to destroy my body.

"No, please, help, NO"

In that moment, he managed to undress me and started to penetrate me. I screamed and he covered my mouth and pressed my wrists harder to the floor.

I had become too weak to scream and for the next few minutes I just let it happen to me. My tears ran silently down my face... and my hands, like the rest of my body, just laid lifeless next to me.

When he finally stopped, I just continued to lie there and heard him say:

“Good girl, believe me you enjoyed that"

before he disappeared behind the bushes towards the road and left me alone.

It was pretty dark by now and only the light from the road beamed through the bushes. Laying there for what felt like forever I bawled my eyes out in shock. I tried to sit up and somehow pulled up my trousers, which to his luck and my misfortune were only training trousers. A few minutes later I leaned against a tree, angled my legs and started to realize. I began to cry again and hit the ground in anger at not having successfully fought back.

I heard my cell phone vibrating softly, which was lying a few meters away from me. I crawled towards it with my eyes blurred by tears, reached for my cell phone and saw the time, which showed 6:47 and then the missed calls:

6:33 Maya
6:37 Vic
6:39 Andy

and...

6:46 Beckett

"FUCK, WHY IS THIS FUCKING WORLD AND BECKETT SO AGAINST ME"

I shouted at myself and slumped down into a crouch.

The others were worried about where I was staying and Beckett was probably more pissed off than usual by now because I wasn't at the station.

I looked for my backpack and heard my cell phone vibrate again:

"Maya's calling"

I mumbled, wondering if I should answer it. Then it occurred to me that maybe they were calling me about Beckett or something and I took the precaution of answering:

"Hey May, what's up?"

I realized now that my voice sounded very hoarse from screaming and crying and that it was also very shaky.

"Mila, what's wrong? Where are you? What happened?"

I started to cry and didn't know how to answer, I hadn't even realized what had happened to me in the last 45minutes and answered her in a hoarse whisper:

"I have no idea Maya... I have no fucking idea about what just happened!"

"Hey, hey Mila, please calm down and breathe! Can you tell me where you are? Carina and Andy have just left the station some minutes ago and are walking down your path to look for you"

I panicked that they would see me like that and got up to walk towards the sidewalk to search for them.

Maya broke my silence:

"Mila? Hello?"

"Sorry, I'm on my way, please call them, they don't have to look out for me. I'm back in 5 minutes."

I hung up and saw Andy and Carina walking quite fast towards me from a not so far distance and calling out. I felt very guilty that they were all so worried and wanted to sink into the ground.

I wanted to die on the spot. He could have just killed me and I would feel better.

I felt so disgusting and used and saw no value in myself. I sat down on the floor without realizing it and sank back into tears. I forgot about the world around me and didn't notice that maya was actually calling them and they both stopped for a moment to talk on the phone, but then walked even faster to look for me.

"Oh my God Mila, WHAT HAPPENED!"

Andy managed to shout a few meters in front of me when she spotted me and I was snapped out of my trance.

“Oh my… Bambina who did this to you?!”

asked carina, who was now standing in front of me with andy and holding her hands in front of her mouth.

I broke out in even more tears and suddenly everything became completely real. The pain he had inflicted on me became real, not only physically but also mentally.

My breathing became faster and I noticed that I was starting to panic.

Andy wanted to calm me down and tried to put her hand on my shoulder. But I immediately winced back and I cried out:

"NO, PLEASE NO! please don't touch me!"

Carina and Andy exchanged shocked but knowing looks. They sensed the worst that had happened and acted as quickly as possible to help me.
Carina took over talking to me while Andy started talking to someone on the phone, saying something about getting Miranda with a Kit to the station or something like that.

"Hey Mila, I'm not going to touch you okay? I'm just going to kneel in front of you to talk to you better, understand?"

I nodded.

"Do you want to or rather… can you tell me what happened?"

I looked around and saw myself lying in third person in the place where everything had just happened:

"Not here, I have to get out of here, please!"

I almost started to cry helpless again. Carina nodded in understanding:

"That’s completely okay Bambina! Can you get up and walk to the station with me, it's only about 100meters across this one street okay? Then we can talk in privacy, va bene?"

I nodded again and groaned in pain as I stood up.

I saw that it was really only a three minute walk to get to the station. The whole time I was so close to the station... The only thing separating me from them was a parking lot of a factory and a sideroad. I felt worse and more disgusting with every step and just wanted it all to be just over. Andy had finished speaking on the phone by now and I tried not to give in to the fact that something much worse than just these outwardly visible injuries had occurred.

Andy was now running to my right and Carina to my left. I felt the need to apologize, after all, it was all my fault that they were looking for me and had worried:

"I should have just taken the bus, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault."

Carina immediately replied to my statement:

"It's totally not your fault, no matter what happened after you picked up your bag, It's not your fault okay?"

I was so deep in my bad thoughts and couldn't see it and said in a raspy and tearful voice:

"He wouldn't have had the chance to use me if I had gotten on the bus. If I hadn't forgotten my bag none of this would have happened in the first place either.... It's my fault, it can't be anyone else's fault"

Andy and Carina both breathed heavier at the little information I shared. I heard Carina mumble something in Italian that was probably an swear word.

Andy now made a request of me:

"is it okay for you if i call the police for you? I think it's necessary in this case, with what you've said and the way you look"

I stopped in my tracks, we were already in the parking lot of 19 and I wanted nothing more than to just take a shower and attempt to forget:

"I don't think I can"

Carina stood in front of me and tried to make eye contact with me:

"I've known you for over four years now. From your visits to the emergency room over those years, I know that if anyone can do something this hard, it's you Bambina! And when we go in to help you, you won't be alone, we'll all be there for you, no matter what has happened to you and who has done this to you. Andy, Maya, Victoria, Travis, Ben, Miranda, Theo, Robert, even Beckett will stand behind you along with me and help you!"

I nodded and looked at her, she nodded back at me with tears in her eyes and a sad smile.

I realized again that no one knew that Carina had known me before anyone else and I could see it in the look on Andy's face.
Carina wasn't allowed to tell anyone because she was under an obligation of confidentiality and I was ashamed of what she knew that no one else knew. This side was too vulnerable to reveal to others, I always thought.

I looked at Andy now, who seemed to be thinking about Carina's statement too:

"You're both right, please call the police"

Andy nodded and immediately pulled out her cell phone and started making a call, while Carina accompanied me further inside and pulled open the front door.

Chapter Text

Carina led me through the front door and into the entrance area. Robert immediately got up from his desk when he saw us entering:

"Oh my God Carina, WHAT has happened to Mila?!"

My vision started to blur again and I just wanted to leave. Beckett came out through the door of his office, he seemed to have heard us come in. This was the last straw that broke the camel's back for me. I ran up the stairs to find some peace and quiet in one of the bedrooms so I could finally breathe again.

Carina tried to show Beckett and Robert with gestures that they would be in serious trouble if they said anything now or ran after her and Mila. She now ran up the stairs after me:

"Mila, where are you running to, please wait, let's talk and let me help you!"

I ran past the lounge and didn't realize that Trevis, Theo and Vic were sitting on the couch, worried, while Maya was pacing frantically, that Ben was trying to talk Maya down and Jack was holding his head in his hands, blaming himself that anything happened at all.

Unlike me, however, the others saw us and clearly heard Carina storming after me and calling out my name out loud

"Carina, what happened, where is Mila going?"

I overheard Maya asking, but she didn't have time to explain her suspicions while running after me. So Maya ran a few meters behind me next to Carina while Carina gave a quick summary which I no longer noticed because of my panic:

"I think she was abused by a man on her way back, I don't know much though and she hasn't talked to me or Andy by herself yet. Please tell Ben and Vic to call Miranda she already prepared a kit, just in case"

Maya nodded and let Carina go after me alone for now. Carina entered the changing room by the showers and saw that a door from a dormitory was slightly opened. She entered the room and saw me huddled in the corner, crying.

I had run without noticing any of my surroundings into a spare bedroom, so I could finally get some privacy.

"Mila..."

I saw that Carina had followed me, I didn't really have the strength to hide properly or lock myself away anywhere either, so it wasn't really surprising. I didn't want to talk though, I didn't want help, I just wanted to die and forget.

Carina wouldn't let up though, she never did when she tried to talk to me about anything:

"Mila, you have to talk. If it's not with me, then with someone else."

Carina sat down on the floor a meter away from me and leaned against the bed. I looked into her eyes, which looked hurt and held tears:

„Please tell me what happened, from what you’ve said and how you look right now… it seems really important to talk to someone what happened.“

I sobbed and nodded:

„I will try to talk to you, but I would really want to shower right now…“

Carina exhaled and replied sadly:

"You can go and have a shower in a minute, okay? I can also help you with that and help you find some clean clothes, whatever helps you. But first, let's have a quick chat and see what needs to be done first..."

I could tell from Carina's hesitation that something was wrong, she would never try to prevent me from showering before talking. My mind wandered and I found myself back at the bus stop, hearing footsteps behind me getting louder and louder. Carina noticed this and tried to bring me back to the present:

"Hey Mila! hey, hey, come back, you're here with me in 19 and safe, can you hear me?"

I regained control and looked at Carina, who was trying to snap me out of my flashback.

I looked through the slit in the door and saw Andy running towards us with Maya, their footsteps must have just triggered me. Maya and Andy were shocked at the sight of me, I was a complete wreck and covered in dirt, scratches, bruises, blood and swelling.

"The police are on their way," Andy said and Maya could tell from Carina's expression that I hadn't told her much and just nodded to let her know that Vic and Ben knew and that Miranda was on her way.

I felt bad.

I felt bad that I had caused such a commotion:

"I'm so sorry, thanks to you all but I should just shower and go home, what's the point in talking."

The three of them didn't let me lapse into my bad thoughts though, instead Maya and Andy came in and sat down next to Carina in front of the bed. Andy looked deep into my eyes and I returned this eye contact, as it somehow gave me hope and love:

"You have no reason to apologize and everyone here will be able to tell you that. We are here for you and will always help you, no matter what!"

Carina and Maya nodded at me with a sad smile and I tried to grin a little gratefully, but fell back into a waterfall of tears:

"But no one can undo what he did to me. I've only been an adult for a month and he's made my life feel useless, I feel so disgusting and used, I just want it all to end!"

Carina started to shed some tears and Andy started too, while Maya tried to stay strong and hold her emotional state.

I got so angry with myself and the world that I started banging my fist against the floor and almost screamed:

"I tried to fight back, I tried so hard, but he was stronger, he was just SOOOOO much stronger and didn't listen to my many No's!"

Maya wanted to take my hand to stop me from hitting the floor, but Carina stopped her, knowing it would only trigger me. Andy took a pillow instead and put it under my hitting fist.

I didn't notice anything else around me anyway and just let it all out:

"When the bus passed me, he was already smiling at me through the window, I should have known. He got off and ran after me, held me tightly, held my mouth shut and pulled me violently into the bushes by my hair. I said "No" so many times but he just kept going and laughed!"

I hammered my thighs with the last words before I put my head between my legs and grabbed my hair:

"He threw me on the floor, kicked me and held me down before he... he...

"He threw me on the floor, kicked me, punched me and held me down before he... he..."

I was overcome with images of how it all happened and I felt helplessly trapped in the situation again. My hands tangled in my hair and I was no longer in the here and now.

"Mila! Mila! It's all right, you're here with us, you're safe!"

I heard Andy talking to me. I was ashamed of what had happened:

"I'm so sorry! It's just, he just, he... he ripped my pants off and... he..."

Carina stopped me:

"You don't have to say it Mila, everything's okay, I'm so sorry Mila that this happened to you but we're here for you now okay?"

I couldn't say the last words, I looked at the three of them with tears in my eyes. I looked for confirmation that they had understood anyway and got it from Maya, who was the only one still able to get something out:

"We understand, you don't have to say it, it's all been hard enough for you in the last hour"

Andy and Carina turned their faces into a slight smile and nodded. They more than understood, they felt for me, they remembered what had happened to them, which was more like this situation than they would ever wish on anyone.

I looked at my hands and started to play with my fingers:

"I'm so sorry, I should have known, I shouldn't have forgotten my backpack in the first place, I'm sorry.... After all, he only had the chance because I was so stupid!"

All three of them tried to stop me from thinking like that with lots of no's in my sentence, but I was so convinced that it was true that I couldn't stop blaming myself.

"No, Mila, no, no, no, no, Bambina, no! Listen, it's not your fault, it wasn't your fault that this man thought he could use you, it was his fault! It was never your choice to get hit, kicked and used, to have your consent assumed and your no's ignored. It was all this assholes fault and not a tiny bit of yours!"

Carina just seemed to want to hug me, she came closer to me as she spoke and held her hands as if she was about to.

I was ashamed and felt so disgusting that I was overcome with a feeling of nausea.

Carina saw that I had calmed down and looked at me:

"Mila, would it be better for you if one of us was with you when the police takes your statement?"

I nodded:

"Could you? I mean you already know so much about me, would it even be okay for you?..."

I was getting anxious, was that rude of me to just 'pick' her?

But Carina was already interrupting my thoughts:

"Of course it's okay with me! But Mila, there's something else I need to ask you..."

I looked at her anxiously and felt goose bumps and cold sweat running down my body.

"... Would you like to do a rape-kit? Miranda and I would do it right here in the Station, of course privately in a safe space. It would help find and identify the Perpetrator, as well as support and prove your possible charges against him."

I looked away, hearing the word rape in relation with me felt wrong and made me sick.

Carina added

"You don't need to be afraid and you can say no, ask questions or cancel at any time. It's your decision and no one will force you to do anything, okay?"

I nodded and looked at Maya and Andy, who just nodded to show me that Carina was telling the truth.

I now nodded to Carina:

"Okay, I'll try, thank you"

Andy smiled at me:

"I'm proud of you, I know how hard this is for you"

Maya looked at me as well:

"Don't forget that we are all here for you and will help you through this until the bitter end and fight for you, okay? We are a team!"

"Yes, thank you"

I smiled sadly at them.

We heard some talking coming towards us and Andy stood up:

"Police and Miranda... They're probably there, I'll take a quick look, okay?"

We heard Andy greet the police officer a few seconds later and take him to another room where talking would be more appropriate.

Maya got up and Carina looked at me:

"Are you ready?"

I nodded with a little hesitation and tried to find something to appear stronger than I was in this moment.

I tried to stand up as fast as I possibly could and struggled a little but managed to do it anyways.

"Then let's do this, I'm with you all the time okay?"

Maya opened the door a little wider for us and Carina walked a little ahead so I could follow her.

Chapter Text

I silently followed Carina into the room where the police officers had already sat down at the conference table. I kept my head down and didn't look at Andy as I walked past.

Carina pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit down. I sat down and glanced up slightly to look at the officers who would be handling my case.

To my disappointment, I saw two men sitting in front of me, Mr. Gardner and Mr. Chapin. I turned my gaze to Carina, who was now also sitting and looking at me with a kind but sad and compassionate expression.

Mr. Gardner now began to open the conversation:

"Ms. Herrera called to file a report of rape and assault, is that correct?"

I was perplexed that he immediately started with what was going on and showed no sign of compassion. I felt my heart start to beat faster and I looked at Carina in panic and at the same time at the shocked looking Mr. Chapin.

Carina seemed angry and turned red at Mr. Gardners words.

Mr. Chapin cleared his throat and took over the talking:

"First of all... Hello, I'm Mr. Chapin and this is my colleague Mr. Gardner. As you know Mrs. Herrera had called for us to take a report from you, would you like or..."

He pointed to Carina, who interjected:

"Dr. Carina Deluca"

"... Dr. Deluca tell what happened and how we can help? Also if you need a break at any time, you can of course say so."

He grinned warmly at me and Carina also seemed to soften a bit again.

Mr. Gardner rolled his eyes and let himself fall into his chair crossing his arms.

I thought for a moment about whether I should tell Carina or myself what had happened. I just wanted to get away and have a shower, get everything behind me and finally sleep and be away, away in another reality where everything was still okay. I tried to suppress my tears and looked at Mr. Chapin:

"Well, I was just going to pick up my backpack from Restaurant across the street because I'd left it there and then... then there was this man on the bus who drove past me. He looked at me and grinned, got off at the next stop and ran after me..."

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and started to sob. Carina gave me a handkerchief and I gratefully accepted it and blew my nose.

Mr. Gardner took his note and pen in his hand and said in a stern tone without giving me a break:

"What did the man look like?"

I was a little overwhelmed and had to think hard:

"I, I... I think he was wearing a red cardigan from Nike, with sweatpants, it was very wide and dark gray, his hood was up but you could see short dark brown hair."

I looked at my fingers and took a breath, but Mr. Gardner continued:

"What about his face?"

I didn't want to think about his face, it scared me and made me uneasy and I felt pain in all the places he had touched me and looked helplessly at Carina.

Carina looked urgently at Mr. Chapin and asked him to please tell his colleague to slow the fuck down.

Mr. Chapin took over the conversation again, looked at his papers, on which Andy had already written my details, and asked:

"Mila, how about we continue with the things that happened after the man got out for now. We can talk about his appearance later."

I nodded, but was also tense to tell him how I had been raped in that bush:

"He first tugged at my hair, then threw me onto a small wall, which led into a small green area with bushes and trees. He pulled me in, pushed, punched and kicked me. I had told him so many times to stop and had tried to fight back, he was just stronger and I didn't stand a chance. All I know after that is that he kicked and punched me a few more times until he was on top of me and pulled my pants down."

I felt so disgusting when I thought about what happened after that and I was still in the same clothes:

"Can I please go and have a shower, I feel so dirty"

I started crying and Mr. Gardner opened his cheeky mouth again:

"What happened after that?"

Carina lost her patience and burst into a rage:

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MILA IS STRUGGLING WITH WHAT HAPPENED? HAVE A LITTLE DECENCY AND PATIENCE AND DO YOUR JOB PROPERLY!"

I looked at Carina and had to grin gratefully:

"can you say the rest, I don't want to speak it out loud."

Carina nodded and Mr. Chapin remained looking compassionately while Mr. Gardner looked ashamed:

"He then began to penetrate her against her will, which she had communicated loudly before and during the rape"

I had to swallow loudly and got goose bumps all over my body.

Mr. Chapin also looked dazed and took the next steps:

"As I have already been told by Ms. Herrera, a Physical Evidence Recovery Kit was brought here by Dr. Bailey. Mila, would you like to run this kit? It would help track down the perpetrator from the DNA and prove his guilt and put you in a better position."

I looked at Carina, who nodded to tell me it was important and I just nodded along with her.

"Okay, Dr. Bailey and Dr. Deluca will perform this on you, when we are ready. Lastly, would you like to give any clues about the perpetrator so that we can start a possible manhunt for him today?"

I nodded and saw my way out of the conversation:

"He had a short beard, brown eyes, a thin face and a pronounced jawline. He's probably in his early 30s and quite thin and probably 2feet taller than I am. An important feature would probably be a scratch I left on his face, from his left eye to his lip. I also think I saw a tattoo on his chest when his jacket opened up a bit, it was dragon with stars or something like that, sorry I don't remember exactly."

I thought about all these details and suddenly saw a picture of him 1:1 in front of my eyes, which made me feel disgusted and scared and I zoned out.

I saw myself lasing on the grond getting raped again, screaming for help and scratching this man's face. I felt my breath shortening and almost started hyperventilating until Carina snapped me out again.

"Let's go to Bailey's in the shower, you need a slow break and a shower, I'll go over a few last words and Andy and Maya will take you to Bailey okay?"

I nodded and let Carina take me to the door, where Andy was standing with Maya to take me to Miranda.
Carina closed the door behind her to go over last minute instructions and legal matters with Mr. Gardner and Mr. Chapin.

After the door was closed, you could hear Carina scolding and reprimanding Mr. Gardner from inside. Maya looked at Andy with a look that said 'I know that pitch and I know what kind of trouble this man is in'

Andy also looked impressed by Carina's anger but now seemed to be trying to find the attention for me again, which I didn't really want:

"Do you want us to call your parents? I mean, you've only been an adult for a few months and maybe you'd like them to know about it and support you?"

I shook my head:

"Please don't, anything but my parents, I have enough problems right now but thanks Andy"

When we got to the showers, the alarm went off and Andy said briefly: "You can do it, we'll be right back and there for you." She then ran off with Maya to the stairs.

Miranda looked at me and had a worried face like I hadn't seen for a long time:

"Mila, why can't fate give you even a few months break. I'm so sorry for what happened. You absolutely don't deserve this, please sit down while we wait for Carina."

She patted a Chair, which was probably from the Hospital and designed for these kind of procedures.

Not even a minute passed and Carina finally entered the room:

"Sorry, I'm here now and I'm ready to start explaining this procedure whenever you are ready Mila."

Chapter Text

I had only just sat down properly in the chair when Carina came in. I still wanted to get everything over with before everyone else came back from the call:

"let's just get it over with, just do what needs to be done or tell me what to do."

Carina gave me a slightly stern look and when I looked at Miranda I noticed a slightly stern look from her too.

Carina put on rubber gloves and started to talk:

"We won't just do anything that 'has to be done' and we won't tell you or order you what to do"

Miranda now joined in:

"At every step we will present to you, you will have the chance to give or refuse your consent. Your control was taken from you tonight and we want to give it back to you now."

I nodded and looked at the floor.

Carina was putting some utensils on a shelf and prepared bags on another. Meanwhile, Miranda brought me a clipboard on which my consent was confirmed in writing and data was recorded:

"I've already copied most of your file, you just need to sign it, but I still need to ask you again in advance, will you give us your consent to do this examination?"

Carina now stood next to Miranda directly in front of me:

"We will ask for your consent before every single examination we are going to do and you can either agree or disagree, do you understand?"

I now looked them both in the eyes:

"Yes, I do understand and I give my consent to you"

Carina nodded and took the clipboard from me. Miranda now looked at me and explained the first step:

"We would first want to take your clothes and put them in bags, which will later be checked for DNA from your attacker. Do you give your consent?"

I looked Miranda in the eye, somewhat perplexed, and thought for a moment that I would have to sit naked on the chair for the examination, but then I saw a hospital gown in Carina's hand:

"Yes, I give my consent."

Carina put the hospital gown next to me on the shelf and offered to help me:

"Shall we help you take something off?"

-

I was obviously having trouble getting my sweater off, as a lot of my body was still hurting and I nodded:

"Yes please"

Carina helped me pull the sweater over my arms and finally over my head.

"Can you please help me with the t-shirt and the bra Carina? I'm sorry I can't do this on my own"

I was ashamed that I couldn't even undress on my own and didn't want to be intrusive or force myself on her.

Carina took the shirt by the bottom waistband and helped me pull it over my upper body:

"Of course I can help you, please don't apologize though, I offered and you also have every right to get help!"

Miranda put my sweater in one bag and my T-shirt in another and started labeling. Meanwhile, Carina looked at me briefly:

"Is it okay with you if I unhook your bra now?"

I hesitated and thought for a moment:

-

"Is it okay if we continue with my pants first? I feel weird right now and need a minute, if that's okay"

-

"Of course it's okay, take the time you need. We can take your underwear off last and do the other steps first, if possible of course"

I nodded and looked at Carina, who gave me a hearty smile as she cocked her head to one side.

I felt safe with Carina and Miranda, but something inside me didn't want to be exposed right now, after being forced to lie naked on the ground in front of this man.

I took off my shoes and pulled down my sweatpants and handed them to Miranda, who immediately labeled a new bag and put the pants inside.

"Do you need my socks and shoes too?"

Miranda nodded:

"If that's okay with you, we'd pack those too."

-

"That's okay with me, here."

I quickly pulled my socks down and gave them to Miranda, who then packed my shoes and socks. I didn't want to keep any of my clothes on me, they could skin me and give me new skin... I just felt disgusting and used.

Carina gave me a thoughtful look, it looked like she didn't know how I would react to the next step:

"Next, we'd like to photograph and examine your wounds, maybe take individual swabs of blood."

I looked down at my body and examined my own skin. There were several wounds, minor cuts and bruises. I was shocked by the amount of damage on my body that this man caused and released a tear or two thinking about how some bruises were caused.

„That’s okay with me as well“

Miranda picked up a camera and gave Carina a kind of yardstick.
I closed my eyes and let them take photos of my upper body and legs while I suppressed the tears that were only too happy to fly out.

"is it okay if you stand up for a moment and we can have a photo of your back too?"

Miranda asked me and I felt the lump in my throat and knew I had to make an effort not to start crying when I answered:

"Yes, of course"

I realized that my voice was very shaky and quietly squeezed out of me and looked at Miranda:

"I'm sorry"

Tears came out of my eyes and I tried to wipe them away and stood up to continue. Miranda looked broken, she seemed touched by what had happened to me and I only felt more ashamed.

"Mila, we can take a break if you want."

-

"No, please let's just get this over with quickly, I have to do this now"

Miranda and Carina didn't say anything in response and just nodded and made sad faces.
After they had photographed my back, they took small swabs to get blood and skin samples from the wounds.

Carina looked at me before they started:

"Do you give your consent?"

-

"Yes"

-

"You can sit down for this"

I sat down closed my eyes, eventually zoned out and after a few minutes they were both finished. Miranda somehow managed to called me back to reality:

"Mila..., Mila..., sweetheart..."
I sat up straight and looked her in the eyes.

"Do you want to pause?"

I shook my head and looked both of them deeply in the eyes:

"I dont want to pause, sorry for zoning out, I'm just tired."

They both nodded and Miranda continued:

"Well next up we would like to take samples from your mouth and hair but beforehand you can put this gown on, is that okay with you?"

-

"Yes it is"

I put the gown on and sat down again.

Miranda took a sample of saliva from my mouth and Carina took a sample from my hair. Afterwards Carina asked for a blood sample which I consented and Miranda took a sample from under my fingernails.

They were now both standing in front of me and had a look on their faces that hinted at the next step. I wanted to complete this examination through to the end and knew that the next step would be to expose myself completely and have a sample of the man's sperm taken.

Carina tried to smile softly and in a calm voice to tackle the last step, which I was already aware of:

"Mila, we are almost done, next we would want to pack only your underwear as evidence and take one last sample.... This sample would ultimately be a sample of your vagina, your cervical mucus and a sample from your rectum. If you need to take a break, that's fine and we'll take each step slowly and individually and give you the time you need to complete these steps if you wish."

I looked at Carina throughout the explanation and got a blurred vision with tears gathering in my eyes again:

"I want to go through these steps"

-

"Okay..., if you want you can take off your underwear and put it in these bags, take your time and if you don't want to, just say so, we won't ask questions or expect an explanation."

Carina held two bags in the air and Miranda seemed to be preparing the swabs in the background, which put me under a little pressure.

I took my bra off under my hospital gown and dropped it in the first bag carina held.

I stood up shortly afterwards and pulled down my underpants. I found this step difficult but at the same time it was easy because I knew what would come next.

I was now standing there in just a hospital gown. I had nothing underneath and already felt exposed and embarrassed and vulnerable.

Carina held open the last bag and I dropped my underpants into it and sat back down on the chair. Pressing my legs together, I noticed that I was getting tenser. I was almost finished, one last test and I would be done. Miranda looked at me:

"If you give your consent, Carina as a gynecologist would now take the last samples, unless you want me to take this last step. You can make the decision and neither of us will comment."

-

"Carina can take the swab, I'll give my consent."

I clawed into the seat and looked at the floor, no one had ever seen me so exposed, I wasn't ashamed of it, but it was still an uncomfortable feeling. Carina now sat down on the rolling stool in front of me:

'When you're ready, I'd like you to put your feet in these two contraptions on the left and right for a moment. The swabs together will take maybe a minute at most, Miranda will be able to stand next to you and distract you if you like."

I looked at Miranda who gave me a hearty grin and nodded. My hands loosened from the chair and I put my feet on both rests and looked to Carina who gave me time and waited for my okay to fold up the gown:

"When you are ready and give your final consent I will fold up the fabric and take two quick swabs and fold the fabric back down as far as I see no injuries I would want to examine, okay?"

-

"Okay, I just need a few seconds to catch my breath."

-

"Take the time you need"

-

"Miranda?"

I couldn't control my inner turmoil on my own and needed help. Miranda came to my left and looked at me:

"Yes? Mila what is it?"

-

"Can I hold your hand? I don't want to be childish..."

Miranda interrupted me:

"Of course you can, that's not childish, that's pretty strong of you to ask!"

She took my hand and squeezed lightly and I somehow immediately felt a little more comfortable and just whispered:

"Thank you Miranda"

I took two more deep breaths and looked up at the lamp on the ceiling:

"I'm ready Carina, I'm ready and I give my consent"

I closed my eyes and noticed how Carina carefully folded up the fabric. Shortly afterwards, I felt the smear and squeezed Miranda's hand, which she returned. Silent, scattered tears ran down my face. I had to think about him.

I thought about how he touched and hurt me where Carina, one of my best friends, was trying to take evidence and help me. I was ashamed of myself. I blamed myself for all of this. Miranda took her other hand and stroked my left hand, which she still held tightly in hers.

Carina had finished the first swab and picked up the second:

"Mila, would you like to take a quick break?"

-

"No, please let's just finish."

-

"Then I'm going to ask you for the last time for this examination, will you give me your consent?"

-

"Yes..."

Carina began and I couldn't hold back my tears. I felt liberated from the first burden and at the same time dirtier and more used than ever before.

Carina folded the fabric back down and stowed away the last sample:

"Mila, you're done, you've done it."

I took the gown by the collar with my right hand and pulled it over my face to hide my relieved tears. I leaned against Miranda's hand and felt one of her hands, which had been stroking mine, run over my back.

I was so relieved but still so full of hate, hate for myself and my body. I had allowed a strange man to take everything from me, I should have fought back harder, I should have tried harder.

I looked up at Miranda after a minute:

"I'm so sorry you had work because of me and still have work because of me and I didn't pay more attention."

I saw how Carina had already packed all the samples in a carton and stopped to look at me and listen to me:

"Mila, it wasn't your fault and you did everything you could have done to stop him. I know it wasn't enough and yes Miranda and I theoretically had to work but we were happy to work. We were happy to work to help you, to get you the justice you deserve!"

Miranda agreed with Carina:

"And I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say we'd work another 5 hours for you if it meant we could help you"

I tried to smile gratefully at both of them:

"Thank you both so much"

-

"How about I clean up the rest and Carina helps you shower?"

I nodded and let go of Miranda's hand.

Chapter Text

I stood up and folded my arms around my body out of embarrassment and tiredness. I felt nauseous out of nowhere and ran towards the garbage can and knelt over it. I started to throw up and heard Miranda and Carina rush to me and shortly after felt Miranda's hand on my back:

"Mila, what's wrong? Are you okay? wait, let me hold your hair."

Miranda held my hair up and I threw up a second time. Carina quickly fetched a water bottle she had in her handbag and put it next to me:

"Here, for you. Are you feeling dizzy or are you in pain?"

-

"No, I'm not in pain, I don't know why I threw up. I suddenly felt sick but everything is fine now. Sorry."

I picked up the water bottle and took a few sips from it.

"I'll check you after the shower if that's okay with you, but I think it must have been the stress that fell off and twisted your stomach."

-

"I think so too."

I stood up again with the help of the two of them and took another sip of the water. Miranda went back to the boxes and Carina pointed to the showers:

"come on, let's get you showered, then you can rest"

-

"Yes, that would probably be best, thanks"

I went to a shower cubicle and stood in it, while Carina stood before it's curtain:

"I need to get my shower gel and shampoo from the locker."

I was about to leave the shower cubicle when Carina stopped me:

"Let me get your clothes and a towel, you can start showering off, okay?"

-

"Thanks, my locker is two to the right of Maya's."

Carina pulled the curtain closed and I took off my hospital gown to throw it in front of the shower. I looked at my now naked body and started to shake a little, I quickly looked up and tried to cover myself from my eyes. I felt ao strange, it felt like it wasn't my body but someone else's

I turned on the water and stood under the shower head. I couldn't move, I just stood there, looked at the wall and let the water bounce off me.

The door to the washroom opened again and Carina came to my cubicle with my shower things:

"Mila, do you want me to put them outside the shower or hand them to you for a moment? I won't look, your privacy is important to me and I want you to know that."

-

"I can't move Carina."

-

"What do you mean? Did you hurt yourself? Did you fall?"

-

"No, I just can't move, I can't look at myself, I don't know how to do this right now, I don't feel like me"

-

"Mila, we'll take it one step at a time and get there, okay?"

I only squeezed out a 'mhm' in agreement and managed to turn slightly towards the opening of the curtain. I heard Carina putting my shampoo and shower gel on the floor and hanging up my towel:

"Have you wet your hair yet?"

-

"A little, not quite yet, but a little."

-

"That's great, can you stand a little further under the shower and get it completely wet? We can talk about other things in the meantime or I can tell you something funny if you like"

-

"Okay, I'll stand under it."

-

"Perfect, shall I give you your shampoo?"

I tried to touch my hair to get it completely wet and immediately had a thought about the moment this man pulled me towards him by it. To distract myself and not make a fool of myself in front of Carina, I tried to start a conversation myself:

"Yes please, and what do you actually think of the color brown? I was thinking about buying a used car but the only one I can afford is brown"

Carina handed me my fake through the curtain and I started to pour shampoo on my palm while Carina was already starting to give her opinion:

"I have nothing against brown in principle but if I can donate money to you and you buy a different color in return I definitely wouldn't be averse!"

She started to laugh and I had to start laughing at her sentence too and started to shampoo my hair:

"I think brown is really not the best color for a car, especially not for the first one"

-

"You would have a driving kaka car. I think it would definitely make the others laugh"

I laughed at Carina's joke and started to wash out my hair and Carina must have guessed that I wanted to be distracted because she kept talking and at the same time covertly offered me the shower gel, which I now used to rub on my arms.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door to the shower room and we heard Ben talking to us from the outside:

"I'm not coming in, don't worry, I just wanted to ask if I could help carry or help in any other way. I heard the shower and knew you were done and since Hughes and I were back with the aid-car we thought we could offer our support."

Miranda went to the door and talked to Ben:

"I'll bring the chair with the boxes to the door and I'll follow with the garbage bag okay?"

Now Vic spoke, who was apparently also at the door:

"Is there anything else I can do to help?"

Carina now spoke to her:

"Can you find some clothes for Mila, preferably sweatpants, a t-shirt and maybe a cardigan and if you can find some underpants that would be awesome."

-

"Of course, I'll knock again when I have everything."

The door closed again and I heard Miranda wheel the chair to the door and hand it to Ben:

"Mila, Carina, if there's anything, call me or tell Ben to come and get me! I'm available for you all the time!"

-

"We will and thank you Miranda!"

Miranda now left the room and Carina continued to talk about her baking evening with Maya a week ago. I kept listening to Carina and didn't realize that I was soaping up my whole body by now:

"And when I tried to bake waffles with Maya, all the eggs ended up on the floor for whatever reason, Maya looked like a snowman and I had butter in my hair. Unfortunately, we ended up with no waffles and went to a waffle restaurant and decided to try making waffles again sometime without having to buy a new kitchen."

I laughed, not realising that I had already finished showering off the foam and was sort of done and feeling a little cleaner.

"Do you need your towel?"

-

"yes please... and..., thank you Carina"

Carina gave me my towel and I dried my body, wrung out my hair and kneaded it dry a little with the towel before tying it around my body and pulling the curtain open a little and looking at Carina.

I got out of the shower and went to the sink to look at myself in the mirror. Carina came walking up behind me and looked at me through the mirror too:

"Would you like me to blow-dry your hair a little?"

-

"That would be very helpful, thanks"

Carina took the hairdryer in one hand and a brush in the other and started to blow-dry my hair while I brushed my teeth with a new toothbrush and some toothpaste Miranda left on the corner for me. She must've brought it for me and I felt very thankful for this small gesture. Then there was another knock at the door:

"Hey, I've got clothes and slippers, I thought Mila might need them too."

Carina put down the brush and hairdryer and walked towards the door to get the clothes and slippers.

However, I said:

"Vic can come in, I have no problem with her being here, provided she wants to be here"

Carina stopped and Vic slowly opened the door and entered the room, obviously not looking at me she came in my direction and took off her clothes:

"I got Andy's sweatpants and my cardigan out of the laundry. I only found a T-shirt, socks and underwear in your locker, there was nothing of yours in the laundry."

-

"Thanks vic, I haven't done my laundry yet, I prioritized all your laundry's, Beckett would have been mad otherwise."

Vic now looked at me with a slightly sad but also slightly angry face. She now spoke in a light voice to me:

"Mila, you still need your own clean laundry and you're not supposed to do Maya's, Andy's and my laundry, it's too much work for you alone."

Carina otherwise was pissed, full on pissed at Beckett for being an ass she never knew could exist:

"Mila, I'm not mad at you, not now, I'm mad at Beckett right now because he's such a big asshole and you don't even have fresh laundry because you have too much work to do with other people's laundry."

Carina put her hands at her sides and paced back and forth:

"I'll talk to him... And mila..."

She stopped and looked at me, but was obviously having a bit of fun now to lighten the mood:

"...I'll talk to you too, we didn't say any laundry from Maya, Vic or Andy!"

Vic and I had to smile and Vic said something about it too:

"I'll just do your laundry from today, which doesn't mean you get to do Maya's, Andy's or mine okay?"

I laughed and picked up my underpants to get dressed:

"Yeah okay"

-

"Should we actually go outside or turn around so you feel more comfortable getting dressed?"

-

"It's okay, but thanks"

-

"I'll turn around anyway, I don't want you to feel like you're being watched"

Carina did the same and I took off my towel and put on my underpants and T-shirt:

"You can turn around again, I'm 'covered'"

I joked and tried to laugh.

Carina came closer to me and saw that some of the scratches were still bleeding a little:

"Mila, sit here on the stool for a minute, let me dress the few wounds or tape them up with plasters."

I sat down and saw how Carina and Vic's mood changed.

They looked sad again and when Carina opened the first aid kit, Vic immediately helped to take care of my wounds.

When all my wounds were dressed, Vic helped me put on my cardigan and I put on my sweatpants before slipping into my slippers. Carina took the towel and smiled at me:

"Let's take you to one of the bedrooms, I'd like to palpate your stomach because of your vomiting before. After that you should probably rest, this day has been exhausting enough for you."

Chapter Text

Vic opened the door and held it open for me so that I could go ahead. Carina and Vic followed me into the bedroom, which I headed for immediately. I sat down on the bed and looked at Carina and Vic:

"Thank you both really, thank you all, even if the others can't hear me right now."

Vic sat down next to me in a cross-legged position and took my hand in hers:

"We're always here for you, no matter what. If you need to talk or want us to get you someone to talk to, you can always let us know!"

Carina crouched down in front of me and looked at me:

"After all, you're our friend, part of our family, part of the 19!"

-

"Thank you..."

-

"And now please lie down on your back for a moment, I want to check your abdomen."

I layed down, vic moved a little to the side but was still sitting next to me. After a few seconds I grabbed my t-shirt waistband but hesitated before pulling it up:

"Carina..."

Carina seemed to know immediately what my problem was and looked at Vic and then back at me.

I had a scar on my stomach, caused by a punch to my stomach cavity which caused internal bleeding. Only Miranda and Carina knew about this scar, as they had undergone this operation.

On further reflection, I also thought about the scars I had inflicted on myself some months before I joined the fire department and finally leaving my parents house.

Vic didn't know about it, I didn't want her to think I was stupid or weak. She didn't even know that I was a lodger in an old couple's attic… although nobody knew that… not even Carina or Miranda. Until now, I had always avoided the subject when it came to my life.

Vic looked at me:

"Do you want me to go outside for a minute? That's completely okay if that's what makes you feel safe!"

I looked at Carina and then back at Vic:

"No it's okay, I just don't know what to say when you see my stomach because you'll definitely have questions.“

-

"No matter what's going on with your stomach or what I might see, I'm not going to ask or demand explanations. You can tell me what's going on or you just don't, I won't think any differently about you. Its your decision what you want to tell and what you don’t"

I nodded and pulled up my t-shirt and let Carina feel my stomach while Vic gave me a soft and somehow caring look.

"Carina actually sewed me up."

Vic grinned and Carina nodded proudly:

"I did a good job, didn't I?"

I laughed and looked at Carina, who gave me a questioning look:

"You did a perfect job on this one after Miranda cut me open. "

Vic apparently took a closer look at my stomach and the large and small scars, but didn't say anything. Carina had finished her palpation and looked at me again:

"I don't feel anything abnormal and as long as you don't throw up again everything should be fine."

I didn't pull my T-shirt down yet, but sat down leaning against the wall and looked down briefly and then back at Carina:

"Only Miranda and you know my story, know my faults and problems, have seen these scars..."

I stroked the large scar on my stomach and chuckled awkwardly:

"Vic, remember earlier when we were all eating and we were joking around that you're all my new parents now and Jack had remarked how my real parents would probably be against it?"

-

"Yea, you looked a bit tense, that's why I changed the subject. Travis and I had actually talked about it in private and wanted to check up on you later to make sure everything was okay."

-

"Well, my father is the reason for this scar. I don't have a good relationship with him, he drinks a lot and has always favored my older brother. My mother is no better than him, she's never had anything better to do than pick on me."

-

“I'm so sorry, we would all have acted differently if we had known.“

In the hallway, you could hear that the others had returned and gone to the shower, stress filled my body thinking about my father and someone else walking in on me while talking about him.

Carina took my hand, which was starting to pinch my stomach, and pressed it firmly into hers. She gave me a knowing but sad look at the same time.

Carina knew that I was still struggling with thinking about self-harming from time to time and that I was even accidentally harming myself sometimes just like now.

The last time, however, was 2 months ago, I visited Carina in the hospital after I saw my father in town and panicked. I was so panicked that I ran away, hit my knee when I stumbled and while Carina was disinfecting it in the ER I unknowingly scratched the skin on my wrist.

"The man reminded me of him… I mean when that man dragged me across the ground, kicking and punching me. It was just like... It was just like I was with my father again..."

I paused for a second to wipe a small tear away and take a deep breath before continuing.

“In his eyes I probably deserved it today, he would tell me it was my own fault. The worst thing about all of this is that I'm starting to believe those thoughts."

My voice took on a tearful tone at the end and Carina took me in her arms:

"None of this was your fault today, none of this was your fault, do you hear me? And your father has not been a good person to you and has left things in you that make you think the very wrong things right now."

I nodded and hugged her for a moment before letting go.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table '08:42pm', the others were probably already finished showering i thought. I wiped my face and faked a smile at both of them:

"I think I just need a few minutes alone to process."

Vic and Carina nodded and got up:

"If there's anything, call or come get us, whatever reason. And I will check on you again in 20 minutes if that's okay with you. I don't want to leave you alone with all the thoughts that must be going through your head."

-

"Thank you, and yes, it's okay if you check on me, perhaps I'll just join you in the kitchen or lounge in 20 minutes, depending on where you are."

Vic took the door handle in her hand and before she opened the door she said to me:

"And don't forget Mila, we are friends, a family, a team and there for one another! No matter what, we're always there for each other!"

-

"Thank you Vic, thank you both. See you in a few minutes."

Vic opened the door, they left and closed the door from the outside.

I was now alone, alone with myself, my thoughts and my feelings that have been building up.

Chapter Text

Outside the bedroom, where Mila was lying in bed to have a little privacy, stood Vic and Carina. Vic looked worriedly at Carina:

"No one knew about this, I didn't know her parents did this to her. And now she's been… she has been raped by this man! Only more baggage has been placed on her shoulders…. Carina, I've seen the other scars too, I know what scars look like when they're self-inflicted. I'm worried about her, but I don't want to put pressure on her to talk."

-

"You know that as her doctor, I'm not allowed to tell you much, even though I know quite a bit more and share the same concerns with you. But I'm sure that if we were to sit down with her and maybe get Maya, Andy or Travis and Jack involved... She would trust you all with everything, she would talk about her thoughts and feelings, she would let you into her world like she did with Miranda, Ben and me."

-

"Ben?"

-

"She was with Miranda a few times, Ben witnessed a lot."

-

"That explains why she often only talked to him after hard calls."

Vic exhaled a deep breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She searched again for eye contact with Carina, who was biting her lip nervously and fidgeting her hands. They were both rather worried and didn't wanted to leave Mila alone and at the same time wanted to find a way to relieve her of the whole stress.

Maya and Andy walked silently out of the shower room to their lockers and saw Carina and Vic standing there. Maya took Carina in her arms and gave her a kiss on the cheek:

"How is she, how are you, you two look worried."

Carina looked at the two questioning, half-naked women and began to explain:

"She had a shower after she finished with Miranda and me and then Vic and I went into this bedroom with her to talk a bit. She wanted to have a little time to herself now, we had said that we would check on her again at 9pm, she said that she might even come out of the room to us herself. But we definitely have to check in on her again, I’m worried."

Vic looked at Andy and Vic:

"We need to talk to her, she's overplaying her feelings and thoughts and not just since yesterday or this incident today. I'm really worried as well. Today has brought up a lot of things for her and traumatized her even more, maybe we should get Diane involved as well.“

Andy and Vic nodded in understanding and changed into their clothes. Andy finished first and looked at Vic and Carina still standing there looking worried and nervous:

"We will all talk to her when she has slept and is more or less herself again. Let's go to the others now and check on her in 15 minutes. You two also need a little time to come to terms with everything that's happened so far today."

Maya had now finished as well and looked at Carina and gave her a warm hug. A few seconds later they could both be heard mumbling into each other's hair:

"I love you"

Andy looked at Vic and opened her arms:

"Come here, I think we all need a little love for each other today to somehow deal with all this shit in this world."

Vic returned the hug and shortly afterwards Andy pulled Carina and Maya into the hug so that all four of them were hugging together.

Maya let go first and closed her locker, which was still open:

"Let's join the others in the kitchen to grab some food before we check on Mila."

The four of them walked out of the room towards the kitchen, where they saw Theo and Robert sitting at the table, finishing off their leftovers from their dinner.

Jack, Travis and Ben meanwhile sat in the lounge next to the kitchen instead. Jack looked pretty shaken up and Andy decided to go and check on him while Maya, Vic and Carina went to get something to eat.

Andy knocked on the door and saw all three of them nod inside through the glass. She entered the room and sat down on the couch with them:

"Are you guys okay?"

Andy saw Jack leaning forward, holding his head in his hands, looking for an answer from the other two. Ben shook his head slightly and looked Andy in the eye while Travis took a deep breath and put a hand on Jack's shoulder:

"Jack blames himself, he thinks he should have gone with Mila and not let her leave on her own."

Jack looked up and was quite upset and angry with himself:

"It's my damn fault, what kind of idiot lets a 21 year old walk alone in the streets that aren't safe in the dark!"

Andy looked at him emotionally:

"No one could have predicted this, no one knew something like this could have happened to her. It's nobody's fault, just because you picked up the food with her doesn't mean it's your job to accompany her when she forgot her backpack, it would have been just as appropriate for me or someone else to do that. But that still makes it nobody's fault!"

Jack nodded and Ben looked at Andy:

"How are you feeling by the way?

-

"I actually don't know, I think I'm fine but I'm also sad and angry that something like this happened to Mila and that she didn't have the chance to successfully defend herself."

-

Travis now joined in:

"If you want to talk we're here for you, you know that."

-

"Yes, I know..., thank you, but I have to be there for Mila for now, I know how much this whole stuff destroys yourself..."

Andy interrupted her own sentence, stood up and pointed towards the door:

"I'm going to go and get something to eat and then go and check on her with Carina, Maya and Vic."

Ben jumped up and looked shocked:

"Mila's on her very own right now?"

He looked stressed at Andy, who, like Travis and Jack, wondered why he was panicking:

"Yeah, she wanted a few minutes to her own, but Carina and Vic made a deal with her that they'd check on her again at 9 sharp at the latest."

Ben quickly walked out of the room and into the kitchen, leaving the others confused.

Andy followed him, but Ben was already in the kitchen, where Carina and Vic were sitting at the table with Maya making tea.

Theo and Robert had already gone downstairs to equip the fire engines with new hoses and SCBAs.

Carina saw Ben running in her direction looking at her in panic:

"Is everything all right Ben, has something happened?"

Ben wasn't angry with Carina but worried about Mila, as he had seen enough times what could happen.

He said in a panicked and worried voice what his fears were, without going into detail and without telling Maya, Andy and Vic any details that they weren't allowed to know or couldn't know without Mila's permission:

"No..., Yes..., Argh..., Carina, why the hell is Mila alone? You know what can happen if she gets triggered or something happened and she's alone."

Andy was now standing next to Ben in the kitchen and wanted to calm him down:

"Ben, calm down, she just needs a few minutes rest, she won't do anything to herself..."

Vic, Carina and Ben swallowed hard and became more panicked. she knew about mila's past of self-harm, while Andy unknowingly uttered what was a real possibility.

Andy realized from the panicked eyes that she had somehow triggered something in the three of them:

"...she won't, right?"

Carina stood up:

"Okay, it's only 3 minutes until 9 anyway, I'll go and check on her now, anyone joining me?"

Vic and Ben followed Carina down the corridor and Andy walked a few meters behind them with Maya. Maya, who also didn't know what was going on, turned to Andy and asked::

"Do you know why they're so stressed about what you said?"
-
"No, no plan."

Jack and Travis also became aware of the fast running and followed the small group. Jack tried to get Andy to stop:

"Andy, hey Andy, what's going on? Is something wrong with Mila?"
-
"I have no idea."
-
"" You have no idea, but then why are you suddenly running to her so quickly?"

Andy couldn't answer, they were already standing outside the room where Mila wanted to be left alone and Carina knocked on the door:

"Hey Mila, can I come in?"

There was no answer and Carina knocked again:

"Mila? If you don't answer, I'll just have to come in."

Chapter Text

Carina and Vic had left the room to give me a few minutes alone.

And suddenly I felt nothing, my body was empty of any emotion. The click of the door into the lock was like a button that turned off my mask which tried to laugh and tell everyone that I was fine while breaking down on the inside.

I turned away from the door, pulled the pillow in front of me towards me and hugged it.

Why don't I feel anything?

I was raped, I'm supposed to feel something right?

Maybe I'm already dead, Wouldn't be so bad after all the stuff that happened right?

I could have gone out to the others and kept the mask on with a smile.

I was not sad not angry not happy I was nothing. Vic even knew about my father and mother and probably about my self-harming past now. I felt ashamed now.

I laughed at myself and started playing around with a hair tie I took from the bedside table.

A few minutes went by and I still didn't think or feel anything specific. I made knots in the hair tie and untied them, wrapped it around my fingers in patterns and was completely in another world. Until suddenly the hair tie flew out of my hand across the room.

I sighed, back was reality, gone was the distraction. At that moment, a question popped into my head:

Where was my cell phone and backpack?

I got up and looked next to the bed, but there was nothing to be found except for a bottle of water.

I didn't know what time it was or how much time had passed since the two of them left me alone.

Should I go to them and ask where my backpack was?

I opened the door a crack and realized that my body was still very sore and that I should actually be in bed resting.

Although I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to walk through the station, I decided to walk towards the shower anyway to see if my cell phone or backpack was there.

Maybe someone had taken my things and left them there but I hadn't noticed earlier.

I closed the door behind me and heard everyone talking from the kitchen, but I didn't understand a word and just kept walking.

It took a little longer than normal to walk because my leg, which had been kicked, hurt every time I stepped on it. I also felt dizzy because I probably didn't have enough nutrients left in me after I had thrown up the last of it.

When I finally arrived at the showers, I looked around and actually saw my cell phone lying at the sink.

I picked it up and went to turn it on. It was empty, I couldn't distract myself by getting lost in social media, news or a movie or or or or...

Slowly the feelings that I felt when Carina and Vic were still with me came back and I sat down on the stool I had been sitting on earlier.

Miranda and Carina had collected pieces of evidence from my body here. I looked at my hands and felt disgusted with myself again.

I got up and washed my hands and face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had to somehow get rid of what he had done to me, I had to get rid of what he had left behind on me.

I realized that I was on the verge of a full-blown nervous breakdown, scrubbing hard on my skin. Realising what I was doing I started muttering to myself what others usually told me:

"Breathe in and out deeply, bring your fingers together, thumb on your index finger, middle finger, little finger, skip the ring finger. Stay focused and distract yourself... skip the middle finger and breathe!"

I couldn't bring myself down and gave up trying the methods after only a minute or something.

I couldn't stay in this room, I couldn't calm down on my own.

I picked up my cell phone and took off the case.

Inside the cover was a piece of double-folded toilet paper, which was hiding something else inside.

I took it out and put my cell phone away again and held the object that was still hidden inside the toilet paper in my hand.

I was disappointed in myself for even thinking about doing what I was just preparing to do in that moment.

Nine months almost ten since I last held this object in my hand, why did I have it in my hand now, why did I give up so quickly even though the methods were so good the last few times.

The aggressive washing of my skin had helped, the burning gave me some feeling again and I actually had the feeling of something. I twisted the small packet of toilet paper in my fingers...

But I couldn't do it here, someone might come in and see me doing it.

I wouldn't be alone in the bedroom either, Carina and Vic could come in at any second and there was no key for the door either.

I had to get this disgust out of me, washing alone didn't help. However, it gave me an idea for a solution. I had to get it out of me in a different way, this feeling of disgust had to stop, I wanted to feel something other than this disgust for myself.

I shed a few tears and carefully closed my hand with the object to make my way to the conference room.

I waited a moment before opening the door, perhaps I was wanting to look for my phone and my backpack because I knew I would relapse again...

I shook my head and held the small package tighter in my hand. I'll just go into the conference room briefly and then back again to my bedroom; no one will notice anything.

And in addition It's only once. I'll just do it now, then I'll feel better and won't need it anymore anyway...

I grabbed the doorknob in front of me with my other hand and pushed it down. When I slowly opened the door I saw everyone standing in front of the door to my bed.

Carina held the door handle to the room in her hand, Ben stood with Vic right behind her and Jack, Andy, Maya and Travis were waiting a short distance away sitting by the locker's.

I could see the side of Ben's face and saw that he was very stressed and anxious and looked at Carina, who suddenly knocked on the door in a relatively stressed manner:

"Mila, I'm coming in now!"

Carina opened the door and looked inside in a panic, but didn't see me, as I was standing here.

Slightly overwhelmed by the situation, I opened the door wider and walked a meter into the locker room:

"Carina?"

Everyone suddenly turned to me and Carina walked quickly to me with Ben, who looked at me with even more concern than Carina and the rest:

“Are you okay?!”

Carina was now only a meter in front of me:

"Why were you in the shower room? Is everything okay?"

I felt somehow caught even though I haven't really been doing anything. I didn't know how to react, I suddenly felt like I was a child again, a child who was in big trouble because it did something wrong.

Carina looked at me:

"Can I hug you?"

I nodded once and Carina took me in her arms. I was a little shorter than her and buried my face in her shoulder. I realized that I was about to shed tears again and hugged her back. However, as I hugged her, my little toilet paper packet fell out of my hand straight onto the floor behind her.

Carina looked behind her because she heard the little clack on the floor and I broke away from her in a panic to pick it up. Ben, however, was quicker and when he held it in his hand and noticed that It wasn't just a handkerchief, he looked worried, panicked and speechless at me, then at Carina.

Carina saw from Ben's look what was going on and Vic in the background also seemed to suspect something.

Travis on the other hand were still sat down by the lockers with Jack, who looked as if he had shed a tear or two.

I looked at Carina with fear. She seemed to have noticed and Ben relaxed as well when he saw me take a step back, fold my arms and not say a word.

Andy tried to talk to Vic and find out what was going on and Carina and Ben came a little closer to me to briefly clarify what was going on and what should be done next:

"Mila, It's okay, we're not mad at you or anything. We're just worried, nothing more. I would say that you should go have a little chat with carina in your bedroom alone. In the meantime, I'll wait outside with the others. And after you two talked you can decide whether I or someone else is also allowed in, okay?"

Ben handed Carina the package and continued:

"But please talk and be honest with your feelings and thoughts Mila."

I saw tears gathering in Ben's eyes and felt bad that I was always making everyone worry:

"okay"

Carina put her arm around my back and accompanied me into the bedroom. I kept looking down and feeling ashamed. As we walked past, Andy asked if they could help and tried to figure out what was going on but Carina handled it very well:

"I'll talk to her alone for a moment and then Mila will decide what she wants, okay? But thank you Andy, thank you really"

Carina closed the door and pointed to the bed where we both sat down.

I was screwed, I had done everything wrong, I just wanted to collapse and forget everything...

Chapter Text

"Mila, why were you in the bathroom?"

I said nothing and just looked at my hands, which were folded in my lap.

"Mila, please talk, what were you doing in there?"

She gestured with the little packet of toilet paper and tears came to my eyes and I still couldn't answer.

I hadn't done anything, I was just thinking about it, maybe planning something but not doing anything, wasn't I?

"Bambina, I'm not angry, on the other hand, I'm just worried and want to know what's going on with you so that I can help you."

I looked her in the eye and saw Carina's worried face:

"I didn't do anything, I really didn't!"

Carina looked at the package in her hand and back at me:

"What exactly is this thing I'm holding actually and why did you have it in your hand when you came out of the bathroom?"

I shrugged my shoulders and slid from the edge of the bed onto the bed and leaned against the backrest.

Carina also slid from the edge onto the bed and sat down in a tailor's seat in front of me:

"May I open the package?"

I nodded and reached for the pillow next to me to put it in my lap and hide my face in it a little.

Carina unwrapped the small package and took out a relatively old razor blade, which was already broken off at one corner:

"Mila, where did you get this blade?"

Carina looked at me with worry and I now buried myself completely in the pillow and exhaled deeply, this fucking day is too surreal, it couldn't be true that so much shit could actually happen in one day.

Carina seemed to give me a little time and I heard her wrap the paper around the blade again so it was safer to touch and out of my sight.

My mind started racing at the sound though, the blade was gone again, secure, unreachable...

"Carina, I have no idea what's wrong with me!"

I started crying into my pillow and felt Carina crawl over to me to hug and hold me:

"Shhhh, it's okay Mila, all of us are here for you."

-

"I just don't wanna be here anymore, I can't do this anymore, I feel so worthless..."

-

"Mila, we'll get everything back together, I know that what you're going through is anything but easy, but trust me, everything will eventually get better!"

She stroked my back and I started to calm down a little. I looked at Carina with a tear-stained face:

"I'm so sorry about everything, I'm such a big burden to you all today"

-

"You are not! Mila, we're here for you just like you would be there for any of us. We are one big family and no one here is a burden to anyone."

I nodded, but I was still thinking the same as before and just didn't want to continue being a burden.

Carina still seemed very concerned about the blade and apparently didn't quite trust me that I hadn't done anything and still wanted to know where I had gotten it and why:

"Mila, I know this isn't nice of me to ask but can I see your stomach?"

I looked at her a little speechless and immediately got an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Nodding, I put the pillow down and closed my eyes while repeating in my head:

'I haven't done anything, I haven't done anything, I haven't... I haven't done nothin' yet...'

I pulled up my T-shirt and looked at Carina again, who was examining my stomach:

"Have you hurt yourself anywhere else? I know you're uncomfortable right now, but I need to know if you've hurt yourself anywhere."

I shook my head:

"No, I really didn't do anything, I swear."

I took off my zip and showed her my arms and stroked my thighs with a little harsh pressure to show her that there were no injuries on them either.

Carina smiled a little with relief, which she tried to hide as much as possible because it was still a serious situation for us:

" Were you thinking about hurting yourself?"

I nodded and took the pillow back into my arms. I heard Carina exhale heavily and felt like as if I had thrown all the progress I had made with her, Miranda and Ben into the trash.

Carina put the small package that was still on the bed into her trouser pocket:

"I need to ask you again about where you got the blade, then we'll talk about why you had the urge to hurt yourself okay?"

Her voice sounded a little more serious but still very worried and I felt even more guilt. I had let her down, I had let everyone down today, even myself, I just lost to this man and myself as well.

I started to cry and fell into her arms, I just felt so guilty:

"I just still had it on me, I just never threw it away, I just felt so much safer just carrying it with me at all times.... I'm so sorry, I never really intended to use it and disappoint you! I'm really sorry Carina, I'm so very sorry! I never intended to take it out of my phone case, I really didn't!"

Carina stroked my back and tried to calm me down:

"You haven't let anyone down, I just feel bad for you that you're feeling this way and that you're thinking about hurting yourself. I just wish I could just take away that pain but I'm definitely not disappointed in you Mila!"

-

"I just feel so used by him, it's so unfair that he's out there and can still be him whilst I feel like he's taken everything from me. This life is just so unfair! I thought if I went into the conference room where no one could find me and I just made a few cuts I'd feel better."

-

"I know that there's way too much on your mind right now and it's good that you're talking about it! What happened today was in no way justified and should never ever had happened to anyone! But Mila, there are better ways to cope, please talk to me or Ben or whoever else when you are thinking on it."

-

"Yes I know but... he just took so much from me, it all hurts, not only does my body hurt because he used me, but knowing that he... he was the first person I ever had sex with really hurts."

-

"I'm so so sorry Mila, I'm so incredibly sorry!"

She hugged me tighter and whispered in my ear:

"I didn't know that, and if I had known, I would have talked to you sooner about everything... Because the fact that he raped you doesn't mean you lost your virginity, okay? You will have your first time at some point and it definitely wasn't today, no matter what medical science or anyone else says, okay? Your first time wasn't today, today was just a crime that was committed on you! Itwas not your first time!"

I nodded into her shoulder squeezing her tightly and got a slight smile on my face at the words. Carina was probably right, no matter what medicine or others say, I still have my first time ahead of me, today was a crime not my first time.

"Would you like to talk a bit more? Perhaps you'd like to talk to someone as well and distract yourself?"

-

"I think it would be good if Ben comes in, so he doesn't call Miranda..."

I smirked and Carina had to smirk too:

"I'll get him in, do you want to talk to him alone or do you want someone else to come as well?"

-

"Vic can come in too, I think she knows I had these problems because of my scars... I just don't want her to worry too. I don't really want anyone to worry about me."

-

"Do you want me to stay in and do some talking if they have questions?"

-

"Yes please, when we've talked, the others can come in too. I assume you won't leave me alone anyway, am I right?"

-

"Unfortunately, we won't be able to leave you by yourself for now, if you have thoughts like that again..."

Carina got up and went to the door and opened it:

"Ben, Vic, Mila wants to have a quick word with you guys, after that she said it's okay if you all come in and perhaps give her a little distraction from everything."

Vic and Ben came straight through the door. Vic sat down at the foot of the bed and Ben sat down on a chair, which was also standing at the end of the bed, while Carina stood next to me.

Ben leaned forward and rested his arms on his thighs and looked at Carina. I quickly realized that no one knew what to say and I just said what Vic and Ben were probably wondering the whole time:

"I didn't hurt myself, I know it looked like I did but I didn't do anything."

Ben looked anxiously at Carina for confirmation and she nodded, relatively happy that I was telling the truth:

"She really didn't hurt herself, I checked her, you don't need to worry Ben."

Ben and Vic exhaled with relief.

Carina looked at me urgently saying that maybe I should tell the whole truth about it though, that I was thinking about it and I sank my face back into my pillow:

"Mila tell them..."

I felt bad for my urge to hurt myself and bursted out crying, and apologising:

"I'm sorry Ben, I'm really sorry.... Vic too, I know you've seen my old scars and that you can put one and one together and know that I've been struggling with them and I..."

I looked up again and looked Ben in the eye, who was about to open his mouth to answer when I interrupted him:

"I didn't hurt myself but I was about to, I was about to go into the conference room to hurt myself.... I lost to the voice inside me."

Vic came over to me and took my hand:

"If you think about it again, you can come to me and I'll distract you, we can find another way to make you feel better..."

Ben also moved closer with the chair and Carina sat down next to me again and I leaned against her.

Ben reached into his pocket and held a small bath duck in his hand:

"Pru smuggled this into my bag, she sneaked it from our bathroom and I know it's not really a stress ball but maybe you can still use it something like this for now.... It might also help you to know that it is Pru's..."

He handed me the duckling and I held it in my hand:

"Thank you, thank you lot"

Ben smiled and visibly wiped away a few tears and asking a rather difficult question:

"Are you still thinking about hurting yourself right now?"

I just looked at the duckling and gulped:

"I don't know, since I'm not alone by myself it's better, but I still somehow feel like I need to get him out of me and feel something that I can control..."

He exhaled sadly and looked at me with a worried but also serious look:
 
"You know that you can talk to any of us whenever you need to! We're all here for you."

-

"I know, I'm also very grateful that I have you."

Ben stood up and walked towards the door:

"I'm going to get something for a minute, maybe it'll help, okay?"

-

"Okay, thanks... you can let the others in when you go out if they want."

-

"I'm warning you though, Andy is pretty hyper right now and asks a lot of questions and Maya is probably a bit pissed off because she has to put up with those questions the whole time..."

He laughed and we laughed back, Carina just said:

"I'll keep the two of them down until you get back here, I can manage them these couple of minutes!"

Ben opened the door and left it open:

"You can come in if you want, Mila said it's all right now."

Chapter Text

The others came in through the door one by one in silence and gathered in the room.

Travis joined Vic on the right side of the bed. He looked at me worriedly and took Vic's hand when he realized that she was also very distressed by everything:

"We're all right here for you Mila."

At the same time, Maya sat down next to Carina, who was still leaning against the head of the bed to my left, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Jack came in last with Andy and I saw that he was still fighting back tears and looked very upset.

He sat down in the chair where Ben had been sitting and Andy sat down next to Travis at the foot of the chair and looked at me in sympathy:

"I heard we're having a big sleepover party here at your room tonight?"

She looked at me smiling sweetly and Maya added:

" Only if you would like to, of course."

Vic grinned and added:

"We can also kick the men out and have a 'girls' night'."

She put her hands up and started hip-dancing on the bed. We all laughed and shortly afterwards everyone looked at me for an answer and I thought about it for a moment.

I trusted everyone in the room and felt safe with 'em, which is why I didn't really care whether it was just the girls or also the boys in my bunk:

"As long as everyone can fit in the room, everyone can stay!"

I grinned at everyone and was happy that I wasn't left alone and that I had the support of everyone I could think of.

Andy jumped up and pulled Vic with her:

"Let's get the mattresses!

Jack and Travis were about to get up too but Vic shushed them both and just said:

"You don't need to come with us, we're stronger than you guys anyway."

She flexed her muscles for fun and posed. I laughed and Travis pretended to be really offended but then had to chuckle too.

Maya stood up and looked at Carina with a grin:

"I'm going to get some blankets and pillows as well, will you stay with Mila?"

Carina now looked at me and I said in a low tone:

"Go help her for a minute, Jack and Travis are with me, so nothing bad will happen."

-

"Are you sure it's okay for you to stay alone with Jack and Travis for a moment? I'm just saying, if you don't feel comfortable with no "woman" in the room, I can totally understand that!"

-

" I'm completely fine with them, I feel perfectly safe with both of them!"

I looked at Travis and he smiled happily at my statement and was pleased that I was trusting him. When I looked at Jack, however, I wasn't sure how to interpret the look on his face.

Carina stroked my back briefly and got up to leave the room holding hands with Maya.

I looked back at Jack, who was now trying to smile at me and make me believe that everything was fine with him.

I suddenly felt responsible for the fact that he wasn't well and my smile that had formed from all the help from the others weakened abruptly.

Travis took my hand when he realized that something was wrong with Jack and me and that we were unintentionally tearing each other down at the moment.

I looked at Travis now:

"I don't want any of you to feel bad about what happened..."

I looked back up at Jack and continued speaking:

"... If you're trying to blame yourself, then please don't, because it wasn't your fault! ... T-That stuff that happened was my fault..."

Travis now took my other hand in his:

"Mila, no one here is to blame for anything..."

While Travis tried to interrupt me and convince me that I was wrong, I continued to speak, blocking out everyone around me and looking at the matress:

"... I'm the one to blame, I'm just saying..., I didn't fight back successfully, I made the decision to get my backpack on my own, I decided to not take the bus but to walk..., it was my own fault that I forgot my backpack, and in the end I even suggested the damn restaurant..."

Travis looked at me sadly and I heard Ben come in. He had heard my sentences, stood in the doorway the whole time and breathed in and out deeply and then sat down next to me, in the place where Carina was sitting before:

"Mila, it's not your fault that this happened to you today..."

I tried to suppress my tears and resist the urge to storm out of the room and vanish forever...

Just before I could say anything else, Travis spoke up again and started talking:

"I know you blame yourself Mila.... But it's not your fault and we will all help you to recognize that. It's not anyone's fault that a bad person did something so horrible to you!"

At the beginning of the last sentence, he looked at Jack in particular, who nodded and seemed to realize that no one should blame themselves for a bad person committing such a terrible crime.

Ben now held a bag of ice cubes on my hand, which I hadn't noticed before and I knew what he was trying to do. Miranda, Carina and him had tried many methods with me to stop me from self-harming and this was one of the best methods that worked for me

I looked at Ben, Travis and finally Jack, took the bag in my own hand and squeezed it on my other hand, pretending to cool it:

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that..."

Jack was now speaking his mind:

"Mila, I know you blame yourself and you know I blame myself...for not accompanying you or noticing that your backpack was left there.... But Travis and Ben are right, no one is to blame and I will try to believe that and you should too. Nobody could have guessed or controlled the events of earlier today."

I nodded and gave him a broken smile as a kind of thank you and picked up the pillow in front of me again and hugged it tightly. I knew that if I said one word, I would burst into tears again.

Jack came over to the bed next to Travis and looked at me with tears in his eyes:

"I'm here for you Mila and no matter how long it takes, we're going to figure this all out!"

I didn't deserve everyone worrying about me. I looked at Jack and Ben stroked my back when he realized I was squeezing the zip-lock bag full of ice cubes tighter in my hand:

"Thanks..."

Just as I thought, that one little word triggered the flood of tears I was trying to hold back.

I started to cry... embarrassed by myself for crying all over again I turned away from the others after a few seconds, laid down and pulled my legs up to me.

I squeezed the ice cubes harder in my hand to feel the pain from the cold and to try and shut out the unwanted thoughts that were started to play in my head.

I saw the man standing in front of me again, I felt him touching me, injuring me and undressing me. I wanted him out of me and to finally vanish and forget what he had done to me.

I felt Ben stroking my back soothingly and I started to cry even harder. I didn't deserve to be cared for. Why did I even deserve that someone would do such a terrible thing to me? Because of him, I'm just a pile of misery that burdens everyone around me... I kept wondering and hardly noticed anything around me anymore...

Chapter Text

Vic and Andy left the room to take the mattresses out of the other bed frames.

She opened the door to the bedroom next door and went in. However, instead of starting to clear the mattress and lift it out, she sat on the bed and patted next to her.

Andy sat down beside her and they both took a deep breath to process what had happened in the last few hours.

Andy now looked next to her at Vic, who seemed a little stressed, sad and overwhelmed and searched for her eye contact:

"Is everything okay with you?"

Vic now returned the eye contact Andy was looking for and replied with a pained smile:

"I... I don't know Andy... It's just so... so much"

Andy took her in her arms and for a few seconds they just sat there hugging.

Vic broke the silence, squeezed Andy a little tighter in the hug and spoke her thoughts that had been plaguing her for the last few hours:

"I feel bad that Mila had such a hard start with us. If I'd only known from the start what she'd had to go through... Then I wouldn't have treated her so roughly. I wouldn't have treated her as the new recruit, the only 20 years old and fresh out of the fire academy... I would have treated her so much differently... And now she has to deal with today's atrocities and I don't know how in the world I can help her..."

Andy broke away from her, held Vic by her shoulders with both hands in front of herself and replied:

"Vic, nobody can change what happened to Mila back then that you didn't know before and that many people, including me, in this station still don't know... In the very same sense, no one can change the fact that we were particularly hard on our 20 year old probie back then... But we can be there for her now, include her even more in our friendships and our family than before... We can be there for her, listen to her and give her the help she needs."

Vic nodded and smiled a little sadly, but in good faith that they could help Mila. Andy returned Vic's smile and pulled her into a warm and heartfelt hug one last time.

After they pulled out of the hug, Vic looked at Andy once again. She remembered when Andy was in a similar situation to Mila and reassured herself that she was fine too:

"Are you okay though Andy? I mean, with what you went through... Are you okay with it?"

-

"I'm fine, I think it makes me a bit more emotional because I can empathize with her, but I can handle it... Thanks"

They both got up from the bed and cleared it to lift out the mattress and put it in the hallway between the lockers. As they made their way from the second room back to the hallway, they came across Maya and Carina carrying some blankets and pillows in their arms.

Carina laid the couple of blankets on the bench and Maya put the pillows next to them:

"Should we let Beckett, Sullivan and Ruiz know how Mila is and that we're spending the night together in her room?"

Maya looked questioningly at the three women in front of her and Vic replied:

"I'll definitely let Theo know, Sullivan should probably hear about it too.... But with Beckett, I don't know how much sense it makes to tell him anything..."

Everyone nodded and they walked towards the stairs. On their way to the stairs, Ben came towards them, holding a bag full of ice cubes:

"Hey, just heading back to Mila's, have you got the beds ready yet?"

Andy looked at the ice pack, slightly confused, and wondered why he didn't just get one of the cool packs for Mila. Cool packs are much more comfortable on the skin she thought but just said:

"We'll give Sullivan and Ruiz a quick update and provide Beckett with a little information. Mattresses, blankets and pillows are already ready and just need to be placed in the room."

-

"Okay then, I'll see you in a minute!"

Ben smiled slightly and nodded to Carina, who was looking worriedly and knowingly at the ice cube bag with her head bent and her lips pressed together sadly.

Carina, Vic, Maya and Andy made their way downstairs and met Robert and Theo in the entrance area.

"Hey, how are you guys? How's Mila?"

Sullivan asked immediately and Carina decided to go with Maya to Beckett's office while Andy and Vic talked to Robert and Theo.

After knocking briefly and being invited in, they entered and closed the door behind them.

Andy turned to the two men and began to tell them:

"She's okay so far, at least okay under the circumstances... But we should definitely talk to Diane about coming over for her as well and if possible tomorrow."

Robert and Theo nodded understandingly and dropped their heads.

Vic now continued:

"We've also talked to her and decided that we'll all sleep together in her room or in front of it to just be there for her. If you want you could join us."

Vic walked over to Theo at the last sentence and leaned against his side, hugging his arm.

Robert and Theo were delighted with the idea and said that they would join them in a moment and that they would just finish the reports.

In the same moment, Carina and Maya came out of Beckett's office with visibly positively shocked expressions:

"Beckett is fine with her staying here for the time now until her regular shift is over, but he's obviously keeping her off duty until then. He also approves of Diane and wishes everyone a good night..."

Maya was amazed at her own words and looked at the stunned faces of the people standing in front of her.

Andy, Carina, Vic and Maya went back upstairs to prepare the beds.

Andy broke the intense silence when they were back upstairs in the hallway and just outside the bedrooms. She turned specifically to Vic and Carina, knowing that they knew the answer, or at least more than she did:

"Before we go straight into her room and get the beds ready.... You both seem to know more than Maya and I do, and that's not a bad thing! Don't get me wrong, it's good that someone knows and she's talking! But can you tell me how she really is? I just want to know what to look out for, I don't want to make things worse if I say the wrong things."

Carina exhaled deeply and visibly thought about what she could say and how she could say it without hurting Mila's privacy:

"Well, there's not much I can tell you... And Vic knows very little of what really happened in her life. But I can tell you that as her doctor of many years, I haven't seen her in such a fragile state for a long time and I'm quite worried about her. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't say,... I don't know for myself. But I'm sure she'll need to do a lot of talking in the next few days and will certainly talk to all of us about many things."

Maya, Andy and Vic were very dazed when Carina confessed her concern for Mila. Andy nodded in thanks for the answer and they decided to finally go to Mila.

A few meters from them, Mila was now alone with Travis, Jack and Ben. None of the four could have guessed that when they walked back into the room, Mila's condition looked a lot worse than before.

Vic and Andy each carried a mattress while Carina and Maya held blankets and pillows.

Maya opened the door and entered with Carina, who looked slightly shocked and confused at the faces of Jack, Travis, and Ben:

"Did something happen while we were gone?"

Maya asked worriedly.

Carina and Maya put their things down on the desk in the room and Vic entered the room with Andy.

Vic and Andy could tell from the looks on the others' faces and from Mila's sobs and the way she had turned towards the wall that something was wrong.

Ben continued to stroke Mila's back, who seemed to calm down more and more and explained:

"It's all okay, nothing too bad happened. We just shouldn't talk about what we've talked about right now, at least not in front of Mila."

Everyone nodded in understanding and Vic placed a mattress next to Mila's bed, while Andy placed her mattress in front of it.

Maya threw 2 pillows on each mattress and Carina spread a few blankets between them all.

Andy, Jack and Vic now sat down on the mattress in front of the bed and leaned against the wall.

Ben remained sitting next to Mila and carefully covered her with a blanket and put his hand on her back again to give her a feeling of security. Travis made himself comfortable at the foot of the bed and Carina nodded to Maya and they laid down cuddling eachother on the other mattress.

Robert and Theo now also came into the room and carried another mattress and pillows with them, which they placed in front of the room.

Vic got up with her blanket and went to Theo to lie down on the third mattress with him, while Robert sat down in the doorway and Andy started to lay down with Jack.

When Andy noticed that her friend Jack had a few tears running down his face, she took his hand in hers an squeezed it.

No one was talking but everyone was thinking the exact same thing:

'Everything gets better at times. Even though it usually gets a lot harder and worse before it can get better..., but it can get better and only that's important...'

Except for Mila, Mila had lost all hope, all she could think about was that her life made no sense to her anymore. Everything was taken away from her at the best moments in her life. Everything in her life was bad and when there was finally something good, something came along and just destroyed it again.

The big silence got interrupted by Robert turning the lights off and Ben whispering:

"Good night"

which everyone except for Mila, who started to sob a little bit again, whispered back:

"Good night"

Chapter Text

I hardly slept at all that night.

Every time I managed to get some sleep I started dreaming about this man... I woke up a couple of times, out of breath, my heart pounding in my chest.

Ben woke up with me a few times and took my hand, stroked my back and tried to calm me down each time.

Apart from these incidents, the night was very quiet. Everyone besides me seemed to have gotten a somewhat good night's sleep.

No one was out on a call and the first alarm didn't ring until 7:30 a.m.

However, I stayed turned to the wall when the alarm went off. I didn't feel like talking or interacting with anyone, I just wanted to lie here forever.

Ben whispered to our friends gathered around us, thinking I was still sleeping:

"We should let Mila sleep some more, it's only 7:30 and she really didn't get much sleep..."

I heard a little rustling around me and a few people walking out. I thought for a moment that everyone had gone out, but then I heard Carina whispering:

"Ben, you go change and get ready too, I'll stay here with her until breakfast and keep an eye on her."

-

"Okay, thanks Carina, I'll let you know when breakfast is ready. Our shift ends at 1pm anyway, so until then we can decide on whether Mila goes to Miranda's and mine, your's and Maya's or someone else's place. As long as she's not alone for now..."

-

"We can ask her what she prefers when she wakes up. Someone has to go to her apartment anyway and grab a few things for the next few days..."

Under no circumstances should anyone see where and how I live. That would only cause more worries for the others and, above all, questions.

They still don't know that I'm a lodger in an old couple's attic and that shouldn't change that anyone knows about it.

I felt Ben get up from the bed behind me and Carina sat down next to me instead. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but the fear of getting trapped in one of those dreams...

Ben hadn't left the room yet and was now talking to Carina again:

"By the way, Mila seems to have had a lot of nightmares last night. She often woke up in a panic. I'll call Diane right away, maybe she can come over before our shift ends."

I didn't hear Carina answer and just assumed she must have nodded at him. It didn't really matter to me though that I might have to talk to Diane, I had already talked to her and other therapists many times. It was nothing new for me.

Ben's footsteps moved from the bed to the door and after the door closed I let out a deep breath of relief. A certain tension left my body that I hadn't even noticed before.

I couldn't really explain myself why I was so tense, but I just felt uncomfortable knowing that he was waking up all night long from my panic attacks and nightmares.

Carina apparently heard me exhale in relief, which was not befitting of a sleeping person:

"Mila?...Did we wake you up?"

It would be impossible for me not to answer now. But I couldn't talk, somehow it just wasn't possible for me. I just shook my head.

I felt Carina's hand on my shoulder:

"Did you even sleep at all this night?"

I shook my head again, then switched to nodding and then shaking again. I didn't know, had I been sleeping and dreaming or was I awake and thinking?

"Do you want to talk about something? Or should I see if I can give you something to help you sleep properly?"

I thought for a moment, but didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't even able to sleep properly and 'needed' medication. I shook my head.

I heard Carina exhale sadly. I sat up in bed and sat next to her. I avoided eye contact with her and looked into my hands. Staying silent for much longer wouldn't be nice on my part. I had to say something but didn't know what or how.

'Just answer the last question again' I thought to myself and took a deep breath:

"I think I was asleep, but maybe I just imagined it..."

Suddenly I found myself in a rush of speech, I wanted to talk my way out of getting babysitted by the others and finally avoid everyone worrying about me or finding out anything about me:

"...But we don't have to talk about it, it will be different tonight, when I'm at home in my bed it will definitely be better."

-

"Mila, it's okay not to be okay. You know it's not a bad thing to ask for help..."

I interrupted her:

"Yes I know. But I don't need any help, I'm fine, really. I probably just couldn't sleep that well because it was a full moon."

I smiled and said everything very enthusiastically, hoping she would just believe it. I even looked her in the eyes and started to get up to work the rest of the shift with the others.

Carina looked at me worriedly as I stood in front of the bed and smiled at her.

"I'm doing great really!"

Carina couldn't do much in this situation and I knew she didn't believe me. Somehow I felt a bit bad for it but I just couldn't and didn't want to talk about everything that's going on.

Carina I reached out my hand to Carina to get her to get up:

"Let's help the others with breakfast"

-

"Okay, then let's do this"

Carina and I changed our clothes. I put on a new shirt and Cardigan that Andy had probably laid down for me and a pair of new sweatpants Carina found in Maya's locker because I had nothing else.

On the way to the kitchen I started to feel uneasy. A lot of my body hurt, and based on the pain I must have had several bruises almost everywhere.

Maybe I should just talk or wait for Diane.

Pretending that everything is okay... but everyone knows that nothing is okay... I might just make things worse...

Whatever, I'll just keep acting like nothing ever happened:

"Good morning everyone!"

I didn't know why I suddenly greeted everyone like that, maybe I already was on medication that was taking over my body.

Everyone looked at me in shock, apparently expecting everything but me to be so early, so happy and so awake.

I looked at everyone's faces that one by one looked more worried and sad:

"What? I just said good morning, didn't I?"

I tried to save myself from this strange situation, it was actually clearly impossible but I tried anyway.

Ben broke the awkward silence:

"Good morning to you too. How about you two sit on the couch and armchair with Theo and Vic. The kitchen is already quite full and we'll be happy to serve you."

Jack, Travis and Sullivan nodded helping Ben in the kitchen.

"Come on, come over here. We women are going to be well served today! Maya and Andy should be back here in a minute aswell."

Vic said and Theo turned to us jokingly:

"That's right, us women are getting spoiled today!"

Carina looked at me questioningly and said joking:

"Do you want to sit down with Vic and Theodora?"

-

"I'm just going to the toilet for a minute, then I'll join you."

I pretended to laugh and smiled.

I finally needed a bit of privacy.

Covering up my feelings wasn't working. I was being eyed all the time with worried faces and felt guilty for making them sad and/or worried.

I just needed a few minutes to myself. I walked towards the restroom without waiting for or expecting a response...

Chapter Text

I could feel the eyes on me as I walked down the hall. When I turned right into the hallway to the restrooms I immediately felt liberated. No eyes on me, just me, alone and finally without fear of others worrying about me.

I opened the door to the restroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was tousled from sleeping and somehow I looked like I had just thrown up.

I tried to tie my hair in a plait in front of the mirror, but failed miserably. My hand hurt and I couldn't grip my hair properly. And I couldn't get the knots out without help or a brush either.

I sighed, let go of my hair and hit the washbasin. My hand, which was already sore before, hurt even more now.

"Shit!"

I cursed, looking at my hand, which was throbbing with pain. I shook it off and leaned on the sink with my other hand to look myself in the eyes:

"Let someone just shoot me already!"

I went out into the hallway and thought about how I was going to get past everyone. I wanted to at least comb my hair without someone babysitting me.

I looked around the corner, into the kitchens where everyone was busy cooking.

No one could see me and I quickly scurried past to get to the dormitories. I turned straight into the corridor to my locker, opened it and took my toiletry bag out.

Locking my locker quietly again, I walked over to the shower room and entered, hoping to God that Andy and Maya weren't in there but somewhere else.

To my delight, there was no one there and, relieved, I put my bag in front of me next to Andy's which she had probably forgotten.

I started rummaging through it for the brush and when I finally found it I started combing my hair. The combing pulled at my hair. I seemed to have tossed and turned so much during the night that my hair was an absolute mess.

When I had finally got through all my hair, I put the hairbrush next to the two bags. In all my happiness, I knocked Andy's bag down.

Her bag was still open and now half the contents were lying on the floor. I picked up the toothpaste, shampoo, lip balm, mascara, blush and painkillers and put them back in.

However, I left one item outside for a few seconds longer... A box with spare blades for her razor.

The tugging on my hair and the pain in my hand had already made me think that this pain felt deserved and somehow triggered a feeling of control.

But I couldn't just steal a spare blade from Andy... That would be wrong on so many levels... Wouldn't it? Even if I wasn't using it now, just taking it in case.... No, I can't do that, I would just hurt everyone else if I did that...

I just stood there for about 2 minutes, looking at the blades, wondering if I could take one of them unnoticed.

"Fuck it"

I finally said, opened the box, took out one of the five blades and put it in my pocket.

Immediately my train of thought changed...

How often cutting had helped me to successfully hide my feelings from others. So many times I had been able to help myself without making other people worry or annoying them with miserable speeches...

It let me feel in control and gave me a break from other thoughts that haunted me. If only I could put a few cuts in a place where no one would notice, at least not until they healed. Then even if someone saw them, I could claim they were older.

I put the rest of the blades at the bottom of Andy's bag, took my own and went out to my locker. I put my bag away and headed back to the bathroom, making sure no one noticed me, of course.

Once in the bathroom, I went into a cubicle, sat down on the closed toilet seat and took out the blade.

With a few simple bends, I broke the plastic holder off the metal. I wrapped the plastic scraps in paper and threw them away, nobody would look at what was in a toilet waste garbage can anyway.

I took a few deep breaths and exhaled, laughing at myself and the situation I had got myself into. I shook my head laughing at the sight of the blade in my hand.

I took off my cardigan and pulled up the sleeve of my T-shirt. This spot was perfect, no one would see it there, my t-shirt and sweaters would double cover it and they would probably only check my stomach if they suspected self-harm.

I held the blade to my upper left arm, hesitated briefly, but finally pulled it towards me. I pinched my lips together and saw a few drops of blood coming out of the cut.

I hadn't had that stinging, liberating feeling for a long time. I finally had something in my own hand again with which I could control my feelings and what I was feeling.

No one else could control this, especially this guy from the night before couldn't take this away from me or control it.

I drew the blade across my arm again, a little further up next to the first cut. Again, small drops of blood formed on the wound, which joined with those of the other wound and finally ran down to my forearm.

It even felt as if with every drop of blood a little bit of this man was leaving my body.

Satisfied by the feeling I cut again...

Then again another one, two, three, four...

The door to the bathroom opened and I was torn from my thoughts.

Andy's voice finally pulled me completely out of my thoughts:

"Mila, are you okay? Vic and Carina said you've been in the bathroom for a long time now, I just wanted to see if everything was okay or if you needed anything."

Don't panic now, just don't panic... I tore off a few sheets of toilet paper and pressed them onto the fresh cuts on my upper arm:

"Everything's ok Andy, I was just lost in thought haha, I'm coming now!"

I said positively and joking.

I stood up, threw the bloody toilet paper in the toilet and flushed. Luckily for me, I heard Andy open the door again to go out:

"See you in a bit Mila!"

I put a new wipe on the almost stopped bleeding, quickly wrapped up the blade, threw it in my pocket, just in case I needed it again and walked out of the cabin to the sink.

I washed the blood from my forearm up to my upper arm, pressed the wipe one last time on the minimal remaining bleeding and pulled it off to throw it away.

Wrapped in a new piece of clean toilet paper and thrown in the trash, I pulled down my t-shirt sleeve and put my cardigan back on.

Suddenly regret kicked in. I had stolen a blade from Andy, hurt myself with it and then lied to her just like I lied to everyone else about my feelings before.

I pressed my right hand on my left upper arm, felt the sting of the fresh cuts and was weirdly satisfied again, I had just earned this pain.

With one last checking look over the sink and toilet cubicle for traces, I left the toilet to join the others.

Chapter Text

I walked down the hallway and saw the men setting the table and Andy joining Maya, Vic, Carina and Theo in the lounge.

I walked after Andy and apologized directly to everyone for supposedly worrying them again because I'd taken so long:

"Sorry, just got lost in a few thoughts, didn't mean to be gone that long"

I laughed at my statement and a little joke that slipped out right afterwards:

"But at least I didn't drown in the toilet"

The others smiled a little but still looked quite concerned. But before anyone could ask what I was thinking about and why I looked a bit distressed, Ben called over to us from the kitchen:

"Breakfast is ready, everyone come and eat!"

Everyone got up and headed to the dining table, I tried to stay a little behind everyone, I didn't want to cause a scene.

If Maya and Carina hadn't pushed me forward by my back, I probably would have stood rooted to the spot.

I felt so guilty for stealing this shitty spare blade from Andy and even carrying it on me, it felt so liberating and right at that moment. I almost felt like I had gotten a part of him out of me as the blood poured from the cutting.

When I arrived at the table, I sat down to the right of Andy, who had already sat down next to Travis. Maya sat down next to me and finally Carina, who made sure that I sat down.

I looked at Carina two seats away and immediately thought that Carina was probably sitting next to Ben to talk about getting my things. I was stressed at the thought of anything else from my miserable life getting out to the people I loved the most.

I looked towards the kitchen where Vic was helping Jack put something on the table before Vic found her seat next to Ben and Theo. Jack accepted the last seat between Theo and Robert.

The door to the stairwell suddenly opened and Beckett walked in:

" Enjoy your food 19... and Dr. DeLuca..., line up in the hall at 9 a.m., there's still a lot to be done before the shift change at 1 p.m., Mila, you'll stay on sick report and off duty until Diane and an attending doctor gives you the all clear. To the rest of you: See you at the vehicles at 9am on the dot!"

He went down the corridor to the gym, apparently to do some workout. I swallowed hard, off duty until a doctor and Diane cleared me... What does that mean, does he think I'm mentally unstable and not fit for duty!?

I'm fine! At least that's what everyone has to think, I try to convince them the whole time!

I suddenly felt all eyes on me. I looked up from my hands, which I was kneading together, and into silent gazes that felt for me as Beckett took me off duty for no foreseeable length of time.

I wasn't in the mood for any pity numbers, it was just the way it was now... fucked up:

"The egg and bacon is getting cold, let's eat".

Everyone was awoken from their trance. Just like myself, they were now trying to cover up the fact that I was in a state that resembled a garbage can and that my situation seemed to be getting worse by the second.

They all took eggs, bacon, bagels, coffee, tea and other things that were served and ate their breakfast with various small talk.

I had a little egg with a bagel spread with cream cheese and fruit and avoided the conversations of the group.

I was absorbed in my own thoughts and hardly noticed the conversations anyway. Using every possible scenario I could think of, I tried to come up with a way for Diane and a doctor to clear me as quickly as possible.

I thought back and forth about what words and painkillers would make me seem mentally and physically okay to everyone else.

My ideas went up and down until a sharp, burning pain on my upper left arm brought me out of it. Andy had put her hand on my arm to get my attention.

I flinched a little out of reflex and grimaced in disgust.

"Oh, sorry, is everything okay with your arm?..."

-

"Yes, it's fine, it's still from yesterday, but it's not that bad, just a nasty bruise... What did you want?"

I lied to her, I lied to Andy Herrera, the person whose razor blade I stole and used for the wound, I lied to that same person.

Andy answered me and looked at me with a heartfelt face:

"Just wanted to talk to you, you're so quiet sitting here eating by yourself while everyone else is in conversations."

I looked around us briefly and she was right, everyone was involved in conversations except me. She continued talking shortly afterwards:

"But if your arm is extremely hurting, I can accompany you to Grey Sloan if you want later today, just an 'offer', after all I also want you to be able to get back into the field with me as quickly as possible!"

She winked at me and I only felt worse that I had lied to her and had stolen from her before, but of course I couldn't admit it:

"Thanks, I'll let you know if I have to go to Grey Sloan later today!"

I took another bite of my breakfast and Andy started the next topic. There was no way she could watch me sit there in silence:

"Do you think I should get my hair cut short? I have a hairdresser's appointment in a few days and I can't decide between cutting the ends or cutting it to shoulder length..."

-

"I think cutting your ends and leaving your hair long looks best with your curls. But if you want to try something new, you can wear anything in any case, I'm behind you no matter what you decide!"

-

"How about you come with me? We could both get a nice new look"

-

"Sure, why not..."

-

I had been planning to cut my hair off again for a long time anyway and doing something together with Andy would certainly be a nice distraction... And I probably had no choice but to say yes.

I watched with Andy as Gibson, Sullivan and Montgomery stood up. They seemed to be full and finished eating. They took their plates away and walked out of the room.

Suddenly I heard my name being called by Ruiz, who was actually already finished eating and I got curious:

"...Mila's only 21, I thought she was still living with her parents...ouch..."

Vic poked him in the side when she noticed that Theo had caught my attention.

Ben replied, realizing I had heard anyway:

"She lives alone, in an apartment near Miranda and me, she probably just never mentioned it to you guys before."

Ben looked at me and unintentionally drew the others' attention to me as well:

"...uh...um...yeah, yeah I live alone in an apartment, it's easier for me with the shifts..."

I stammered out some lie and saw that Maya, Andy and Theo made questioning faces. At the same time, I noticed Carina, Ben and Vic knowingly trying to get me out of the situation.

I simply looked away from the others and turned to my food, which I just wanted behind me.

Vic whispered something in Theo's ear and he got up without further hesitation and took his and her plate with him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Andy and Maya looking questioningly at each other and then at Vic, Ben and Carina.

At the same time, I noticed that everyone had finished eating and no one was talking... Why were they all still sitting in silence? Maybe I should have listened to the conversations more, then maybe I would know...

I put the last piece of egg in my mouth and put my fork on the plate.

Now we were all finished eating.

But still no one said anything and I simply still avoided eye contact with everyone, even though I could feel all eyes on me.

I was annoyed that everyone was 'looking out' for me, I just wanted to carry on working normally... Rest in my little apartment in the attic of the older couple, sleep and, above all, forget what had happened.

Something inside me knew that a conversation was about to begin about me. Why else would Vic have sent Theo away while everyone else was still sitting here?!

Chapter Text

After a few seconds of silence, Ben cleared his throat. When he cleared his throat, I snapped out of my thoughts and instinctively looked at him, which I REALLY wanted to prevent:

"Mila, we were just discussing the fact that you..."

I immediately interrupted him:

"Ben, I appreciate that you are concerned about me, but I am 21, I am an adult and I should make my own decisions about what I will and won't do in this.... this 'situation'..."

There were tears forming in my eyes, which I pushed back as far as I could. With a lump in my throat and pressure on my chest, I continued to speak:

"I'll just go straight home, sleep it off, get myself cleared tomorrow and carry on as usual, working, helping others, living my life.... I... I... am all right!... seriously!"

My leg was shaking up and down, my voice was already very shaky and Ben only looked at me with even more concern.

Carina exhaled deeply and noticeably sternly and I already knew that I wouldn't like what was to come after this exhalation:

"Mila, if you don't want to stay with one of us for the time being until Diane gives us the all clear to try and leave you alone.... Then I will call Miranda and put you in psych together with her and have a 72-hour psych hold put on you..."

I was shocked by her statement, they couldn't just admit me. They had no evidence to admit me, let alone had no right to attempt to blackmail me like that:

"You can't..."

I looked at Ben, who gave me a 'yes we can' look and I only got more shocked:

"...you can't do that!"

Carina looked at her hands and back at me. She now spoke to me in a calmer and more sensitive tone:

"You know we can do this and we have good reasons for it..."

I just sat there in shock, not knowing what to say or do. They couldn't be serious... Send me to a ward? I leaned my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands to cover my face.

I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't even speak or talk back.

Carina and Ben were probably right, they could admit me. They had the power to admit me against my will...

If I didn't accept the privilege of having them take turns looking after me, I'd be pretty fucked up.

I wondered what Andy and Maya must have been thinking. They surely had to be thinking that I was a miserable wreck, a broken person... Now, however, Maya and Andy were sitting here, listening to a conversation about me, which was all about psych and admitting me.

I stood up, pissed off, got my plate and put it in the sink. They all looked at me as I went into the kitchen and put my stuff away.

When I was done, I looked at everyone and said extremely upset with the situation I was in:

"Fine! I'll stay with any of you and let you babysit me 24/7 if you think it's absolutely necessary!"

I took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. I took a big gulp to wash down the lump that was forming in my throat again out of anger and overwhelm.

I got a strange feeling inside me, I felt dizzy and my sight changed to tunnel vision. My breathing became short and I got the impression that my heart was beating far too fast and that I would simply collapse at any moment.

Out of nowhere, I got warm and felt like the collar of my T-shirt was strangling me. I undid the cardigan a little and pulled the collar of the T-shirt slightly down to get more air.

I had to end the conversation somehow and get some fresh air:

"C-c-can we just discuss the rest later, please? I just... can't talk right now and I can see that Maya and Andy have some questions..."

I breathed in and out heavily, pacing up and down the kitchen, waving the collar of my shirt to catch my breath:

"...they don't know anything and only listen to 'psych' and 'admitting' me, if I don't cooperate with your... your 'idea'..."

I picked up the glass I'd been drinking from earlier and held it shakily in my hand to take another sip.

Vic stood up and came towards me:

"Mila, breathe, it's all good"

I filled my glass with water again and shakily lifted it to my mouth. After I'd had a few sips, I went to put it back down on the counter but dropped it.

I was startled by the sound of the glass shattering and I burst into tears and even more shortness of breath.

Vic came closer and held her hands in front of her in a calming gesture as she spoke to me:

"Mila, please calm down, let me help you catch your breath"

Now the others also got up from the table to help Vic calm me down. Vic came towards me even nearer and I shrunk back, bumping my back against the counter behind me:

"Please, PLEASE don't come any closer, p-please!"

I held my arms out in front of me and sank to the floor into the shattered glass. Vic stopped and didn't come any closer, kneeling down in front of me instead:

"I won't come any closer, everything will be fine. Please just try to breathe in and out slowly."

Andy and Ben started to gather up the broken pieces from the floor and I saw out of the corner of my eye Carina and Maya looking at me from the other side. Carina knelt down too and continued to keep her distance from me:

"Mila, let us help you calm down and get you out of the shards"

I glanced at her and, blurry from tears, saw her holding out a hand to me:

"I... I can't, I can't breathe!"

I grabbed my upper arms with my hands and felt a sharp pain as I squeezed the cuts. I was snapped out of my panic for a moment and was able to think a bit more clearly again.

Carina must have noticed that I was purposefully hurting myself to get out of my panic attack and tried to encourage me to breathe:

"Mila, take a deep breath in and out, look at me and breathe with me."

I looked at her, saw how she used her arms and head to make it clear to me when I should breathe in and out. I tried to breathe with her as closely as I could and managed to calm down a little. My hands relaxed from my upper arms and relieved the pressure from my chest, which I was making worse by crossing the arms.

Andy and Ben had picked up almost all the pieces by now and were coming closer and closer to me.

I felt a bit pressured, stood up shakily and looked at Carina:

"I-I need to get some fresh air"

I tripped over my own legs, which couldn't hold me up properly because of the shaking, and was caught by Vic, who supported me under my arms:

"Heyyy, easy easy, let's change your clothes so you don't end up hurting yourself on the shards and then we'll go and try to sit outside"

I tried to get back on my feet with her help, but couldn't and collapsed. Ben and Andy stopped immediately and looked worriedly at us. Carina and Maya came rushing to Vic to help keep me on my feet.

Vic held me up as best she could, but also realized she needed help:

"hurry, come help me please."

Maya immediately came to my left side and took me under my arm while Vic supported me on the right.

Carina knelt in front of my hanging body, which I could hardly control. I was so devastated, everything hurt and it felt like dying:

"Mila, we're going to carry you to the couch and then I'm going to examine you and decide if we need to go to Grey Sloan."

Maya and Vic carried me to the sofa and I didn't resist. Carina ran ahead, opened the door and cleared the sofa so I could lie on it. Ben and Andy followed with a wet cloth and water.

When Maya and Vic put me on the sofa and Carina put my feet up, everything was still spinning, Andy put the wet cloth on my neck and Ben put water to drink next to me:

"Carina, am I dying right now?"

I was still panicking, feeling like shit and dying.

"No Mila, you're not dying. Your panic attack, together with your lack of sleep and your exhaustion from the day before, seemed to cause your circulation to collapse."

-

"I want it to stop..., please just make it stop!"

-

"I'll take your blood pressure and do some tests, then you can put on something shard-free and I'll give you something to help you rest and catch up on sleep."

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut to counteract the dizziness.

Ben took Andy and Maya aside to talk to them and Vic went to get the big medical kit.

Carina took my hand and gave it a little squeeze. I squeezed her hand back too and was glad that she was about to give me something to calm me down.

I listened quietly to Ben, Andy and Maya's conversation while I waited with Carina for Vic:

"We'll all talk to her later after our shift, when she's finally had some sleep. Then we can see who will pick up her things from her apartment for her or with her, who she will go to and who she can spend the rest of the day with and maybe talk to. I don't know if Jack, Theo, Sulli and Travis should also be informed... Do you know how she is with them, with Jack and Travis I know they are quite good friends, but I don't see Theo and Robert with her that much."

I didn't care about that at the moment because everything still felt like dying so I pretended I never heard it and before I could listen to what Maya and Andy were saying Vic was standing next to us taking the blood pressure monitor out of the backpack:

"Can I touch your arm for a minute, free it up and put the machine on?"

I opened my eyes again in panic and realized that I was positioned with my left arm facing Vic:

"I-I-It's fine, I'll do it!"

I immediately tried to sit up and free my right arm for her. I would do anything to keep my left arm away from the supposed slight stains of blood on my shirt.

Carina held her arms out without touching me so that if I fell over again, I wouldn't fall off the sofa and looked at Vic asking:

"Would you like me to look for some new clothes while you take her blood pressure? Mila you could put on a new cardigan straight away and change out of your sweatpants as soon as you get into bed"

Vic agreed to her idea and I just nodded. Meanwhile, I could hear Andy and Ben outside vacuuming and clearing away leftovers while Maya followed Carina to the lockers.

I leaned back after removing my cardigan on my right arm, closed my eyes again and let Vic put the device on. When the device was ready and she read the values and wrote them out for Carina, she asked:

"Do you want me to check your blood sugar too?"

-

"While we're at it, I'd say to"

I looked at the blood pressure chart and noticed that it was a little low, but not alarmingly so. Meanwhile, Vic pricked my little finger and had my blood sugar measured.

Carina and Maya had just come back to us when the blood glucose meter beeped and also showed a non-worrying result.

Maya was holding a new cardigan and pants in her arms and Carina pointed to the cardigan, which was dangling from my left side:

"Do you want to give that to me now? You can put the other one on straight away"

I hesitated briefly and everyone could tell from my hesitation that I was uncomfortable taking off the rest of my jacket in front of them.

"Otherwise, I can give you the pill first and you can change into your new pants and cardigan without us looking"

I nodded and she gave me a pill, which she had already fetched. I swallowed it and Carina briefly checked my vitals and did a quick general check-up.

Everything was fine and they helped me into my room. They put me down on the chair and put my clothes next to me. The pill took effect slowly and the three of them turned around briefly to make me feel safer.

I took off my cardigan and put it on the floor and then pulled down my pants and threw them on top of the old cardigan.

With the new pants and cardigan on, Carina helped me into bed with Vic while Maya carried the dirty laundry out.

I was already about to fall asleep and didn't really notice anything anymore. I didn't even thought about the blade I left in the pocket of my dirty laundry...

But it would have been too late to think about now anyway.

Maya was already taking the laundry outside to shake it out...

Chapter Text

Carina and Vic sat down beside Mila for a few more minutes. She fell asleep almost immediately after lying down, the pill and the lack of sleep made it easy for her.

Vic spoke to Carina once she was sure that Mila was asleep:

"How long do you think the pill will last for?"

-

"I gave her a slightly weaker dosage. I think in 3 to 4 hours, just before your shift ends, we can start trying to wake her up. With her lack of sleep, she'll get enough sleep tonight by the time we put her up with one of us."

Vic was very worried about Mila. She looked over at her, who was finally sleeping peacefully.
If she could have taken away the pain Mila was experiencing right now she would have taken it immediately:

"Has anyone contacted Diane yet? I think she should talk to her as soon as possible. I'm really worried and I'm truly heartbroken to see her like this."

-

"I'll try to get her to talk to Diane tonight, or tomorrow at the very latest. If necessary, we should take her to Grey Sloan... I can at least find her a therapist there who can talk to her for now if necessary..."

Vic nodded, not quite sure how to ask Carina some of the questions that were on her mind:

"Carina... You think that Mila..."

Carina looked at Vic expectantly and worriedly and waited for her question, while Vic was afraid of getting an answer that would worry her even more.

"...do you think she could be a real danger to herself? I mean after what happened to her yesterday, along with her past and her attempt to hurt herself yesterday..."

Vic looked worriedly into Carina's eyes and knew that Carina knew what she was referring to:

"do you think she might have been thinking of suicide as well after what happened to her before with her family and yesterday?"

They both swallowed deeply, but Carina knew that it was difficult to really find out what was going on inside Mila:

"I'd really want to say I don't believe it, but I actually can't. Mila has always tried to suppress and cover up her feelings and thoughts. We have to keep a close eye on her over the next few days. Watch her and listen to her, give her the support she needs and, above all, let her process everything in a safe way."

Vic nodded to Carina with a worried expression and got a heartfelt worried smile back.

They just sat there for a few more minutes. They couldn't just leave Mila alone yet. The pill made sure that she wouldn't get up on her own before 1 p.m., but they still wanted to keep an eye on her for at least a little while longer.

Meanwhile, Maya was already carrying the cardigan and sweatpants out of the bedroom. The idea was to shake them out a bit on the balcony before washing them to remove the biggest glass pieces.

It was now 8:15, so only three quarters of an hour to go before the line up. Enough time to do the washing and freshen up oneself, Maya thought, and headed towards the kitchen.

In the kitchen, Maya saw that Ben and Andy had already finished cleaning up the glass and breakfast. Both of them were now talking while leaning against the counters.

Andy and Ben noticed Maya standing in the hallway with the laundry and Ben asked worriedly about Mila:

"How is she, is she finally asleep?"

-

"Yes, she fell asleep right away. She seems to be really exhausted from all the bad stuff that happened yesterday. But at least the pill is helping her to get some rest now."

-

"That's good to hear, you're going to do her laundry and then come down too, aren't you?"

-

"Yes, I just need to shake it out and get the rough bits off before I throw everything in the washing machine"

Ben nodded sympathetically and Andy joined Maya in doing the laundry:

"I'll walk you out for a minute, I've got nothing else to do at the moment, the B-shift can clean up the hoses if necessary. Fresh air certainly won't do me any harm right now."

Andy was just as confused as Maya about the whole situation that had happened earlier. They still knew nothing about what Vic, Carina and Ben knew.

Ben was understanding that Andy needed some rest and time with Maya and went down alone.

Maya and Andy just stood there for a moment.

Andy cautiously and with hope asked Maya if she knew anything about Mila through Carina. She was wondering if Carina had mentioned things or if Maya had heard something by chance.

After all, all either of the two of them knew was that Mila was already living alone at an surprisingly early age of 21. Furthermore, Andy wasn't supposed to contact Mila's parents yesterday after the rape of their own daughter...

And then there was also the conversation from just before, they had "reasons" to commit Mila and put a 72-hour psych hold on her.

To Andy's disappointment, though, Maya denied the question of whether she had any information:

"Carina never said anything, never mentioned anything or any of that. She often talked to Mila, or treated her in hospital, but I never heard anything that would explain what happened apart from yesterday.

They walked past the dining table to the balcony and Maya gave Andy the sweatpants so they could each shake out a piece of the laundry. Andy covered the grill to protect it from possible shards and went to the side, one leg of the pants in each hand.

Maya shook out the cardigan a little and Andy started to shake out the pants as well. They both shook the clothes in a way that sent the shards flying to the floor but without hitting them.

Small glittering shards flew to the floor and everything was relatively unspectacular until a small wrapped packet of toilet paper flew out of the sweatpants Andy was holding.

Andy stopped and looked at it skeptically, which also made Maya stop.

They both looked at the package that had fallen in the center of both of them.

Andy looked at Maya questioningly and confused:

"Did that just fall out of Mila's sweatpants?"

Confused, Maya looked at her, what was Andy implying? There was nothing wrong with a small packet of toilet paper, right?

"Yeah, I think so, probably her tissue. Just leave it, I'll sweep it up in a minute."

-

"No, no, no... Maya, a packet just like that fell out of Mila's hand yesterday after she came out of the shower room..."

Maya was beginning to understand why Andy was making such a fuss about it:

"Carina and Ben were extremely weird, worried and almost panicked when they saw it..."

Andy picked it up and as she held it in her fingers she looked back at Maya:

"I'll sweep the balcony, you get the washing started and then we'll deal with it... One thing at a time."

She dropped the small packet into her jacket pouch and took the broom from the side.

Nodding, Maya went to do the laundry and after Andy was done sweeping, she met Maya back in the kitchen in a good hurry.

"Carina and Vic are still in Mila's room, do you want to go down and talk to Ben?"

Andy nodded and they went downstairs to look for Ben, only to find a bored Travis sitting at the desk:

"Hey, everything okay, you guys look stressed, did something just happen?"

Andy didn't want to say anything about what happened when Travis had already left the table and simply asked for Ben:

"Do you know where Warren is or what he's doing right now? We need to ask him something."

Travis sat up straight and eyed them both with concern and confusion:

"He just went to get gas with Sullivan, why? Is something wrong with Mila?

Andy sighed, why did Ben have to drive to get gas right now and Carina still has to sit with Mila with Vic?

Maya saw no problem in telling him a bit more and answered his question:

"We just put her laundry in the washing machine and found something we wanted to give to Ben. Mila's fine though, she's sleeping right now."

Andy reached into her bag and put the packet on the desk:

"Here, she had the same packet last night, she dropped it in front of the shower. You remember Carina and Ben's reaction."

Nodding, Travis pulled the package towards him with a pen lying next to him:

"Have you looked inside to see what it is? Are there any drugs, pills or something in there?"

Andy shook her head:

"We haven't looked inside yet, but there's a hard object in there, you can feel it... so it could be some kind of drug."

-

"Should we maybe just open it up to be clear?"

Travis looked at Maya and Andy waiting for an answer:

"I'm just afraid that it might be drugs or medication and she has taken them, we should act regardless of whether ben is there for Mila's safety"

Andy looked at Maya, got a nod in response and turned to Travis:

"You're right, this is all too weird and we should open it up and check for her own safety. Better to search and find nothing than not search and leave something bad unrevealed.

Travis took the small package in his hand and unrolled the paper around it. Maya and Andy watched intently.

He stopped after a few seconds, continuing to hold the almost-unwrapped mysterious package in his hands, without unwrapping it any further.

He stared at it and a cold sweat ran down his back. Maya and Andy realized that something was off and Andy asked in a panic what the problem was:

"Travis, what is it, is it serious?"

Travis looked worriedly at the two women standing in front of him and didn't quite know the right words to say:

"I-I think it's a blade.... And... I haven't fully unwrapped it yet, but... but you can see some rather fresh blood stains on the paper..."

Travis put the barely recognizable blade in front of him and maya began to walk up and down. Andy put both her hands on her head and looked at Travis:

"Do you think she has..."

Travis interrupted her and finished her sentence with a suitably sad answer:

"...Yeah, I think she might have done just that."

Maya now rejoined the other two:

"We should call up to Carina or Ben, this is absolutely not good and at least they both seem to know about this problem already."

Travis nodded, took the package and stood up:

"Let's go to Carina's, Ben's probably driving right now and won't answer anyway"

They walked up the stairs together to tell Carina about the package.

Quite worried with the thought that Mila had supposedly harmed herself with what looked like a blade they entered the Upper floor...

When they stopped at Mila's door, Andy opened the door to Mila's bedroom a bit and whispered in panic:

"Carina, we need to talk, it's urgent!"

____________________________________________

How will Carina and Ben react?

And how will they approach Mila that they found out?

Chapter Text

After Andy had opened Mila's door a crack and whispered inside, there was a moment of silence.

Carina and Vic looked confusedly towards the door, where Andy, Travis and Maya were standing.

They both immediately stood up in panic, but also confused.

What did the three of them want? It was almost time for them to line up downstairs by the vehicles and now they came bursting in like that?

Had something bad happened? Had someone come into Station 19 and needed Carina as a doctor?

What was going on?

After one last quick glance at Mila, Carina and Vic left the room and closed the door behind them.

Not even a second after the door closed, the three of them were questioned by Carina:

"What's wrong, did something happen?! Maya, is everything okay, are you... Are you all right?!

She was nervous and didn't really understand what was going on, it was finally a bit calmer after all the trouble.

Maya took her girlfriend in her arms to calm her down and whispered in her ear:

"I... I'm fine... but we found something, it was apparently in Mila's pocket and..."

Maya broke away from Carina, who was already imagining what they had found and what might be going on.

"...Let's sit down for a moment and talk properly. The situation is nothing to discuss in a hurry."

Vic and Carina were still looking at each other with no knowledge.

Travis put his hand on Vic's shoulder with a sad look, still holding the package in the other. She looked at him and Carina's attention turned to him as well.

He got a panicked, questioning look from Carina when she noticed what he was holding.

Andy noticed Carina's reaction first and just as Carina opened her mouth to speak, Andy interrupted her, taking her and Vic by the arms and pulling them towards the kitchen:

"Let's sit down please, we don't want to wake Mila up again. We'll explain everything in a minute and we can talk and clarify questions from both sides."

Travis and Maya followed the others to the kitchen table and Travis swallowed deeply as he looked at the package and turned it over in his hand.

Carina's reaction had already given him too much information; unfortunately, he was almost certain that Mila had cut herself and he was holding the blade she had supposedly used to do it.

They sat down at the table and Andy immediately started talking:

"I don't want you to get upset, panicked or anything, we decided to just ask and rule out that this is the thing we fear in the worst case scenario... okay?"

Carina nodded and Travis placed the package on the table in front of him.

Vic looked at Carina with her mouth open, exhaling deeply, but could barely get the words out:

"Is that?..."

She knew from the size, small silver corner peeking out and small dried blood stains what this small unimpressive package was in relation to Mila.

Maya now continued:

"When Andy and I were shaking out her clothes on the balcony, it flew out of her sweatpants pocket."

She looked at Carina and Vic.

Carina was already thinking about the best way to ask Mila later, but secretly still hoped that it was a bad misunderstanding:

"Are you sure it flew out of her sweatpants pocket?"

Maya nodded her head and Andy replied disappointedly:

"It's 100% from Mila's pocket and must be hers, I'm afraid there are no other explanations."

Carina pulled the package towards her with her hand and opened it, but only sighed at the sight:

"The blood on the blade was there before too? Or did one of you accidentally cut yourselves?"

Travis spoke up, but was noticeably quiet and dazed:

"It was on there before, it seemed very fresh too..."

Carina flipped the paper back over and looked at Vic, who was looking into Carina's eyes sadly.

Unfortunately, Vic now realized that Mila must have injured herself, as there was no other plausible explanation.

Andy, Vic and Travis were already aware of what was going on, but still wanted to hear it from Carina's mouth.

Andy cleared her throat, clasped her hands together and addressed Carina specifically:

"We're worried that Mila hurt herself and used the blade to do it..."

She looked at her hands and considered her thoughts aloud:

"I kind of have a hunch myself that maybe that's why she was in the bathroom for so long this morning.... It was so noticeable, she came out as soon as I was in, but was gone for so long before..."

Andy was getting quite upset with herself that she hadn't noticed something in the bathroom earlier and hadn't been able to speak to her and help her in the situation and treat the wounds that had sadly already been inflicted.

Carina and Maya calmed Andy down with their gestures and made her pause. Carina finally cleared something up:

"No one ever noticed or could have noticed. It's also nobody's fault for not helping or noticing anything, okay? No one knew until now that something had supposedly happened this morning..."

Andy nodded and Carina continued speaking:

"Mila was already having problems with it back then, Vic has known about it since yesterday and Mila was also planning on talking to you guys and letting everyone in a bit more to be understood..."

She paused for a moment to take a deep breath:

"...Me, Us, Ben... Someone should talk to her when she's awake again. But I don't know if we should bring it up here or at one of our homes. She should feel comfortable if we confront her and at least have already picked up her stuff."

Everyone nodded, still in shock from the information they had been given.

Andy then stammered out one thing that struck her, but only looked at her clasped hands:

"I,... I touched her on the upper arm earlier, it was only very lightly..., I just wanted her attention..., she had reacted so painfully and claimed it was from yesterday, but something tells me now that... that it's not from yesterday..."

She looked up at the others, who were now thinking the same thing as her: 'Mila probably hurt herself on her arm'

Vic also noticed one thing that was strange:

"When taking her blood pressure, she also insisted on taking her right arm and only taking her jacket off on this arm. I know it doesn't really mean much, but it was a bit strange when I think back now..."

They were all interrupted by Beckett, who now came into the kitchen:

"Line up is in 3min!"

He left the kitchen again and went downstairs.

Everyone was still in shock and there was no time to talk or plan much.

Carina looked at everyone in quick succession with searching eye contact and then spoke:

"We'll talk again just before Mila wakes up, then your shift should be done anyway. This afternoon, however, we'll just go and pick up her things together with a small group while another group sets up a temporary place for her to sleep at one of our homes. Then we'll sit down together for dinner, talk a bit and only THEN, only when she feels reasonably comfortable and safe somewhere we should talk to her and make sure that we treat any wounds and speak to her. I will now try to reach Diane and you will go downstairs. And please don't say anything to Ben for now, he shouldn't be so worried, I'll fill him in when he has a free minute."

The four men and women from the fire department listened attentively and nodded.

Maya gave Carina another kiss and a hug, then left the room with the other three for the line up.

Carina breathed heavily in and out, leaning with her elbows on the tables and sinking her face into her hands.

Why had she let Mila go to the toilet on her own? And why did she have access to other blades?!

Carina pulled the blade towards her and took it to the garbage can to throw it away.

She was very worried about Mila, she just wanted to get rid of her worries and bad thoughts..

Carina went to Maya's locker and took some fresh clothes that she had stored there, a towel and a Maya's Shampoo bottles .

She had to shower, freshen up and take care of herself before she called Diane for Mila.

She would also call Miranda and talk to her, inform her about Mila. If her wounds needed to be treated at Grey Sloan, Miranda and Carina would do it privately without anyone else knowing.

She went to take a shower, the others were busy for the next few hours anyway and she seriously needed to take a little break now.

Chapter Text

When Carina came out of the shower and was finally able to get ready properly, she immediately felt much fresher. She was no longer so tired and felt a bit calmer again.

She put the rest of her things back in Maya's locker and headed towards the common room. Sitting down on the sofa, she leaned her head back and looked up at the ceiling:

"Diane, per favore, oggi hai tempo"
("Diane, please have time today")

Carina whispered to herself and breathed in and out a few times. She took her cell phone out of her pocket and saw that Maya had texted her about 10 minutes ago:

Maya: 'Don't be so hard on yourself, no one could have known, like you said. We'll talk to Mila later and be able to help her! Love you very much! <3

Carina grinned at her cell phone and felt a little better. Maya was right, no one could have known, not even Carina or Ben, who perhaps could have seen the signs better.

Carina wrote Maya a short message back:

Carina: 'Love you too and thanks for your message Bambina, you're right, I shouldn't be so hard on myself <3'

She closed the chat and went to her contact list to look for Diane. She had found her contact and leaned forward a little before calling and cleared her throat.

She pressed call and listened to the dial tone. Carina tapped her thigh with her fingers:

"Pick up, come on, please.... Diane please pick up..."

To her disappointment, however, the call went to voicemail. Carina slammed the cell phone on the sofa and got upset:

"Oh come on!"

Carina got up and paced back and forth in the room. She thought about whom of the therapists she could ask from the hospital, but didn't really know who would be the right person for Mila.

Suddenly Carina's cell phone rang on the sofa and Carina quickly sprinted over to it:

"DIANE! THANK GOD!"

She answered the call and was greeted by Diane, who seemed surprised by her call:

"Carina, unusual to get a call from you, is everything okay? I couldn't answer your call a few minutes ago, I was having a meeting."

Carina breathed a sigh of relief:

"Heyy Diane, thank you for calling me back, I'm fine. however, I have a concern for someone else at 19..."

"What's going on? Is something wrong with Maya?"

Diane sounded a little worried; Station 19 was close to her heart. Besides, she had chosen this job after her accident for a reason. Helping other firefighters and going through traumatic events together was even closer to her heart.

Carina replied to Diane and denied the understandable connection to Maya:

"Maya is fine, she's fine. It's about Mila Graham... sadly she's not fine at all..."

-

"Ohhh... What happened? I haven't heard from her for a long time. I thought she was doing quite well"

Carina cleared her throat again, she felt bad for Mila:

"Well... Mila's been doing really well the last few weeks, she's made more and more connections with the others, celebrated her 21st birthday and was finally independent from her family... Everything was great until yesterday."

-

"Did 19 have a tough shift?"

-

"Not really in that sense, it was just a situation that happened for Mila when she was in the wrong place at the wrong time..."

Carina stopped for a moment and Diane deliberately didn't intervene:

"...She was attacked and raped by a man yesterday near the station during her shift. We also think that she self-harmed this morning for the first time in a long time as a result. We're all worried, but we don't want to just admit her to psych..."

-

"Ohh Carina, I'm incredibly sorry, I didn't know that! If I had known that, I would have been with y'all this morning... Has she made a statement to the police yet?"

-

"Yes, she has. I was there helping her, one of the policemen was an ass and I have little hope that he took her case seriously."

Diane was audibly pissed off at the cop, who she didn't even know personally but could well imagine:

"Seattle's police department really has room for improvement..."

-

"Definitely, but Miranda and I did a physical evidence recovery kit as a precaution. We haven't heard back from the police yet, but I think we'll have an update in the next few days maybe even later today"

-

"That's very good, thank you! And where is Mila now? Beckett has most likely taken her off duty, hasn't he?"

She sounded like she would kill him if he let her keep working.

Carina was relieved that Beckett had given her sick leave without further ado and was able to calm Diane down:

"Yeah, she's off duty until you or another therapist  and another doctor clear her. But first we have to get Mila back on her feet. Because right now she's sleeping in her room here in the station after having a panic attack in front of Andy, Maya, Vic, Ben and me. "

-

"I'll just take a quick look and see whether I can do something in my appointments so that I can perhaps speak to her today. I'm assuming she's probably going to Bens or yours after her shift, right?"

-

"Yes, we won't leave her alone for now, she already knows that"

-

"That's very good, how about you get some rest now, take a deep breath yourself and I'll call you again in 3 hours. Then you can tell me where you'll probably be staying tonight and I can tell you when I'll be at your location."

-

"That sounds good, I'll call Miranda and give her an update shortly. Then I'll see what I can do to relax and take a deep breath."

-

"Great! If anything happens, I'll be available to help regardless, and don't forget to look after yourself as well. See you later!"

-

"See you later and thank you!"

The call was over and Carina didn't hesitate to search for Miranda in her contacts without a second thought. She clicked on "Dial" and exhaled deeply while gently pushing some hair out of her face.

Miranda answered her cell phone almost immediately and greeted Carina:

"Carina, good morning, how are you, how was your night?"

-

"Good morning Miranda, I'm fine so far, how are you? Any news from the police for the Physical Evidence Recovery Kit yet?"

Carina played with her lip with one finger. She was very nervous and just hoped for good news before she brought bad news.
Miranda, however, actually seemed to have some more or less good news:

"Actually, there is news about a potential male who has been found. However, DNA tests still need to be taken. But for now, we are trying to bring the man out of his unresponsive state."

-

"The police have found him?"

Carina had just jumped up with excitement, anger, joy, all kinds of emotions and was now walking out of the room and up and down the kitchen.

Miranda explained a bit of the context:

"The police department themselves didn't actually track him down. The potential suspect came to the emergency room almost 3 hours ago by ambulance as an unresponsive person found on the street. It appears to be a robbery related attack on him, he was found in the Gangs area and has a head injury among various other injuries."

-

"So 'you' might actually have found the perpetrator?"

-

"More or less... I treated him, he's my patient for now and I've already told the police to take a look at the man by referring back to the Physical Evidence Recovery Kit. He looks just like Mila described and the clothes actually seem to be similar too."

Carina was shocked by the news and couldn't say anything. Miranda interrupted the silence:

"Mila maybe shouldn't get this news from us though. We still don't know if it's really him and only when the police authorize a DNA test and it comes back positive we should let her make a final statement."

Carina was slightly overwhelmed and hadn't even delivered her message to Miranda yet:

"Yeah, yeah, we... we really shouldn't tell her until it's really safe and the police confirm it, you are right."

-

"Before we continue talking about the Man, how's Mila doing? And where  is Mila right now and what is she doing?"

Carina was a little relieved that Miranda took the conversation in the direction she actually planned:

"Well... Mila doesn't seem to be doing so well. She didn't really sleep all night and had a panic attack this morning, so I gave her some pills. She's sleeping now, but Maya, Andy, Travis, Vic and I found out that Mila has sadly probably relapsed."

There was silence for a moment and Carina could only hear Miranda's sad sigh:

-

"Well, that's definitely not what I was hoping for... Have you been able to talk to her about it yet? Have you seen wounds?"

-

"I couldn't talk to her and I didn't see any wounds yet, but after she had already tried to hurt herself yesterday and Maya and Andy finding a bloody razor blade in her pocket this morning... I think it could actually be true"

Silence fell again and only heavy exhalations could be heard. Miranda touched her forehead, full of worries from her almost foster child:

"Can I help somehow, should I talk to her Or should I come over later?"

-

“I think she'll be uncomfortable no matter what, she'll probably think she's disappointed us, but you and Ben are very close to her, so maybe it would be good if she had you too. After all, you two have helped her the most over the last few years."

-

"I'll be at the station in a few hours, we'll do it together okay?Does Ben know yet?"

-

"Well, Ben was just filling up the vehicles when everyone else came to Vic, Mila and me in the room to get me and tell me about the blade, so... No, he doesn't know yet."

-

"Carina, how are you actually feeling with all of this right now? I mean, you've had to talk to her the most so far and with Andy back then and your past... You seem pretty stressed; How are you doing?"

Carina stopped, looked around and thought for a moment. She hadn't even realized how much this was actually affecting her and how stressed she felt about trying to help her:

"I have no idea, I'm just so angry that it happens to so many women and that as a woman you have no chance to defend yourself, no matter how hard you try to defend yourself and how loudly you shout 'no', so many men are that much stronger than their victims and in the end the best part is the victim is still asked what they were wearing..."

Miranda could almost feel Carina's anger, it was almost impossible to overhear:

"Carina..."

Miranda was immediately interrupted:

"Miranda, I just want to help Mila so badly, I just don't know the best way to give her help without flooding her with it or draining myself. I just want her to get the help that I didn't get back then, but desperately needed..."

"Carina..."

Miranda tried again and realized that it was working, because Carina had gone quiet and was now listening to Miranda:

"Would you like to come to Grey's Sloan for a minute and have a coffee with me? After that, we can talk to Ben, wake up Mila and see what comes next and how we can help Mila TOGETHER without anybody being overwhelmed by everything that's happened?"

A few tears escaped Carina's eyes and she gratefully said to Miranda in a rather faint whisper:

"I'll be there in a minute, thanks Miranda"

-

"See you in a bit, do not worry, we'll manage this together

They hung up and Carina made her way down the stairs to head out to Grey's Sloan.

Chapter Text

Carina walked down the stairs past the front desk and was approached by Sullivan, who was silently working on paperwork:

"Hey, everything okay? Where are you going, I thought you were staying with Mila? Is she alright?"

Carina cleared her throat and was quite scattered and still had a few tears in her eyes from the phone call and stress:

"Oh... hi, yeah... I'm fine, I'm just meeting Miranda at the hospital for a bit but I will be right back, Mila won't wake up for a few hours anyway so..."

Maya and Vic walked through the door together, followed by Andy, and Maya looked worried and sadly into her wife's watery eyes:

"Heyyy, Carina... What's going on, are you alright?"

Maya took Carina by the shoulders and looked at her with concern, asking her why she looked like she had been crying.

Carina shook her head and tried to smile:

"Everything's okay, I just need to clear my head a bit. I made a plan to meet Miranda for coffee and a chat. We want to come back here together afterwards to wake Mila up."

Maya immediately understood that Carina needed a little time for herself and gave her deeply loved wife a big and warm hug:

"Okay... I understand no need to explain anything just remember I love you! AND text me when you get to the hospital!"

Carina looked at Vic and Andy's worried faces and pulled Maya tighter against her:

"Love you too and I will..."

Carina separated from Maya and walked towards the door with final instructions to the others:

"See you in a bit and please have a peek at Mila from time to time. Just to make sure everything is really okay!"

The others assured Carina that they would keep an eye on Mila and also said their goodbyes.

Carina walked out of the station through the forecourt and looked further down the street. She had found Mila there yesterday and now she would probably see the man who had committed the cruel and horrible crime...

She shook her head sadly and walked in the other direction down the street to Grey Sloan. With every step she seemed to pick up speed and had to slow herself down to make sure she was calming down a little.

When she finally arrived at the Grey Sloan's property, she breathed a sigh of relief. She had found a little peace and she would finally be able to talk to Miranda in a bit. All this meant that she would finally no longer be so alone in her worries.

She made her way through the hospital corridors to the nearest possible nurse and immediately paged Miranda.

It wasn't long before Miranda appeared and looked at Carina with a warm and welcoming smile:

"Heyyy, glad to see you!"

Carina had to return Miranda's smile, it had raised so much hope in her and immediately relieved some stress:

"Heyyy, thanks for allowing me to come over..."

-

"Ahh, Don't be a fool Carina, you can always come over when you are off work! Regardless of what's going on you're always welcome here! You know that"

Miranda gave Carina a quick welcome hug and led her to her office, where they would be able to talk in complete privacy:

"I've already got coffee ready in my office, I suppose it would be better if we don't talk in the cantine, right?"

Carina nodded and after a short walk they entered the small but cozy office with a pot of coffee and two cups on the table.

They both sat down and Miranda filled both of their cups with coffee.

Carina sat across from Miranda, clutching her coffee cup like a lifeline. The weight of Mila's situation bore heavily on her, and Miranda could see it in her eyes.

"Sooo... How are you doing, Carina?"

Miranda asked gently, her voice filled with slight concern.

Carina sighed, taking a sip of her coffee:

"It's been rough. Seeing Mila go through this... it just brings up so many emotions. She's so young and has already endured so much. I just want to relieve her from all this pain..."

Miranda nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation:

"We are already doing everything that is in our power right now. This is beyond what you or the two of us could handle alone... you know that. She has so many people around her wanting to help her, the whole 19, you, me and other Grey Sloan doctors"

Carina's eyes were filled with worry:

"Yeah, I know... I even already called Diane. She agreed to come by later to talk to Mila. But the self-harm... I must address it beforehand and I don't know how without making things worse."

Miranda reached out, placing a reassuring hand on Carina's:

"Sometimes, just being there and offering support is the most important thing. If you want we can talk to her together, or I can even do it alone if you prefer."

Carina nodded, appreciating the support:

"Thank you, Miranda, I think we should actually talk to her together."

Miranda nodded and Carina continued:

"It's just so incredibly hard to see someone so young go through the same trauma."

Miranda squeezed Carina's hand:

"You're providing so much stability and care, which is exactly what Mila needs right now. We'll get through this together and she'll be fine. And I'm going to be here for you if it becomes too much or if there is anything you want to talk about!"

They sat in silence for a moment, drawing strength from each other's presence.

Finally, Miranda spoke up:

"When we get back to the station, let's sit down with Mila and make sure she knows she's not alone. We can create a plan for her support and recovery. We did this before so we can do it again!"

Carina felt a little relieved:

"Yes. We'll take it one step at a time..."

-

"Exactly. One step at a time."

-

"Thank you for being here, Miranda."

Miranda smiled softly:

"Always. We're a team... a family and we look out for each other. And Mila has been like an unofficial foster child for Ben and me for years, if we're honest"

Carina laughed a little, Miranda was right:

"You and Ben were the family she never had but always needed."

-

"And you always were something like a big sister or aunt to her. She always appreciates you so very much Carina, the trust she has in you is very special and that says a lot about you... You are a very very loving and great person Carina, don't forget that!"

Carina felt flattered and smiled warmly into Miranda's face. Miranda also looked at her with a smile and for a brief moment they just enjoyed the silence and love inside the office before They came to the next topic:

The potential rapist who was lying here in the hospital.

Both of them drank from their coffee cups and after a few minutes of relatively relaxed small talk about current topics in the hospital to calm down.
They came across a strange case from three weeks ago they had in the emergency room that made them think about the man Miranda found there yesterday.

They sat in silence for a few seconds.

Carina first asked Miranda about the man after they made it clear through eye contact that they were thinking about the same thing:

"So speaking of the emergency room... Do you have any news from the police regarding the unconscious man?"

Chapter Text

After Carina had spoken her question, there was a brief moment of silence.

Sighing exhalation from Miranda and a big gulp from Carina made it clear how much their hearts were sinking again.

Miranda looked into Carina's questioning eyes and the mood became a little more tense again:

"Well, the man is not yet responsive again. I don't know if the police were already here while we were talking or if they're coming soon. How about we just take a look?"

Carina nodded and both got up from their seats to go to the hallway.

Past some labs, on-call rooms and storage rooms, a nurse came rushing up to Bailey, who had probably just been out looking for her:

"Dr. Bailey! I was just about to rush to your office to give you some documents and updates. The non-responsive male has been transferred to yet another isolated room. Police recently arrived and approved the DNA testing. This is the copy of the consent to DNA testing in relation to the Physical Evidence Recovery Kit of your patient Ms. Graham."

Miranda took the papers in her hand and leafed through them briefly:

"Thank you, which room was he transferred to?"

-

"Room 37A"

-

"Okay, thank you"

The nurse left Miranda and Carina standing there and went on.

Miranda flipped the paper back over and rolled it into a small scroll, which she now held tightly in one hand:

"Well, let's go to the room and do the DNA test, then, right?"

She pressed her lips together and looked at Carina with questioning eyes that held a bit of anger. Carina was also angry at the man she was about to see, but she was also a little afraid. They were not even sure if it was really him, but in the next few hours it would come out.

Many things were unclear in this situation, except for one thing:
if no one locked the door to his room and he would be proven guilty, Carina and Miranda would probably kill him with their bare hands.

They both had a queasy feeling as they walked to the room - didn't speak to each other and just tried to reach the room as quickly as possible.

They made a few turns along the corridor and were there. In front of the room that neither of them would want to enter in this personal connection. A room with proof of a possible offense against a 21-year-old good friend of both of them.

They stood in front of the door for a few seconds and Miranda turned to Carina, who put one arm on her hip and grabbed her hair with the other:

"Carina, we should get one more person involved, you and I might have too much personal connection, which could lead to us being accused of committing forgery"

Carina nodded understandingly and agreed:

"We really should do that, how about you page someone to come here for a minute and I'll go back to the storage and get the whole kit together already?"

"Sounds great, that's what we'll do!" Miranda replied and walked quickly down the corridor to the nearest computer to see who was available.

Carina stopped for a moment and looked after her as she set off. With a deep exhale and both arms at her sides, she realized how much the whole thing was taking its toll on her.

With a slight shake of her head and a grimace, she went to her 'job' to take care of sterile clothes, test ampoules, swabs and so on.

The corridor felt endless as Carina walked down it.

Something inside her was both mad and upset, but also terrified. She couldn't really understand her emotions and just kept heading down the hall with her many different thoughts.

As she opened the door and entered the storage room, the door snapped into place behind her and a cold shiver came over her. Suddenly she no longer felt like she was being watched.

Out of nowhere, she started to tear up and felt all the emotions at once. She leaned on one of the shelves and thought about what she could do to reassure herself.

She knew it was important to feel her feelings but this was just the worst time. She told herself that she had to stay strong now, that she had to be there for Mila first.

She wiped a few tears from her face and blew her nose. She wanted to take herself as far away from her feelings as possible. She just had to put her thoughts and memories of all the things that had happened to her, her friends and others away for a few more hours. Put them where they wouldn't come out for the moment:

"C'mon, pull it together..."

She took out her mobile phone and looked at the time. It was now 10:21, which meant that Mila would be up in the next two hours.

Carina sighed and was still a little upset and lost in her inner thoughts and memories. There was one of the loudest questions and thoughts she had that repeated itself:

"Why is the world so damn shitty to people who only want to do good in life?"

She simply asked herself this from the bottom of her heart. Because if karma really existed, why did this happen over and over again?

Why did one man once again have to make an innocent soul's life hell in an unpredictable location and on an unexpected occasion?

Why did a person again choose to permanently do a single act that would leave a long-lasting and negative impact on a person that would haunt their life forever?

She instinctively called the number of Maya on her phone when she realized that she was nearly drowning in her anger.

A half-confused, half-worried Maya answered the phone:

"Heyyy, Carina what's going on, why are you calling, are you all ight?"

Maya's familiar voice turned her anger back into sadness.

Were a man to see Carina's change of mood, he would probably have blamed the change directly on a probable menstruation episode, that was how radical her changes of emotion were:

"Hey Maya, I simply wanted to hear your voice for a second..."

Carina was immediately interrupted by a very worried Maya:

"Carinaaa, Were you crying? 'Babe what's going on? What happened?"

Carina sighed, turned Maya on speaker and put her on the shelf next to her. She had to keep her hands busy on the side while simultaneously needing to get back to Miranda with all the things they needed.

"Well, actually, nothing happened in that sense..."

-

"But what's wrong then Carina? I can hear that you're clearly not feeling well!"

Carina stopped briefly with what she was looking for in a box and looked at her cell phone. She thought about what to say for a few seconds. Maya was right, she wasn't feeling well otherwise she wouldn't have called, but Carina couldn't put into words what exactly was going on.

"Carina? What's wrong babe? Please talk to me!"

-

"I-I'm just... I don't know Maya, I'm so angry and disappointed in this world. At the same time I feel so helpless to help Mila because no one can undo what happened. I'm sad that this happened to her... Sad that the same thing happened to her that I and many others have had to go through. I just know how hard it is to accept that it's not your fault..."

Maya remained silent while Carina tried to describe her feelings and just listened. She just wanted to try to listen to Carina and be there. However, her whole heart was aching because she couldn't just take her in her arms at this particular moment.

"...Carina, I love you SO very much, you are SO incredibly strong, for calling me just now... And it's totally understandable that you're feeling like this, because what happened is absolutely devastating and triggers memories and emotions for everyone. But remember that we're all there for one as well as the other. No-one is left alone when it comes to this difficult situation."

Carina nodded to herself, Maya was right. Talking about it was a good decision. It didn't change the situation, but it took some of the pressure off. Carina was glad that she called Maya and wanted to jump through the phone into her arms:

"I love you too maya... and thank you for being here."

-

"Of course I'm here for you! We can sit down later and talk about it face to face..."

Maya, was being watched with concern by Andy and Vic, who had been listening to Maya the whole time and had lots of questions.

Maya ignored them for the time being, because she wanted to remain there for Carina. But Carina heard footsteps walking towards the room and was reminded of what she had to do:

"We'll talk about it later. I have to continue now. I will be leaving with Miranda in I think about an hour. Love you so much Bambina"

Carina quickly grabbed the last of the utensils and put them on a tray and in a box next to it. She put the box with the tray on top under her left arm and picked up her cell phone with her right.

Maya was confused by the abrupt end to the conversation, she quickly replied:

"I love you too"

and then heard Miranda's questioning voice in the background as she entered Carina's door:

"Carina?..."

Then the call ended and she stood there with her face looking questioningly at the cell phone.

Andy immediately approached with Vic and asked a lot of questions.
Maya explained the situation without telling them too much and Vic and Andy quickly understood what was going on.

They knew that perhaps they should all talk a bit more about their feelings, especially regarding this situation and these circumstances...

Chapter Text

"...Carina?"

Miranda entered the narrow room and looked at Carina.

Carina held a small box filled with surgical gloves, face masks, and protective gowns. Lying on the box was also a tray with a mouth swab, a small bag for the removed swab, and an oral spatula. She had everything ready to take a DNA sample from the suspect.

Miranda's facial expression had changed from questioning to confused:

"Are you alright? It's taken you quite a while, I wanted to see where you were."

Carina looked at Miranda now and Miranda's expression softened even more. It wasn't hard for Miranda to see that she must have been crying. She had red eyes and clearly didn't looked to be too well. However, Carina didn't want to have to talk to her about what was going on and made her way over to Miranda by the door:

"Everything's fine, I - I just had a quick call with Maya, but we can start now... Who did you manage to find to assist us?"

Miranda realized that asking Carina about what was going on made no sense at the moment and simply answered the question:

"Sadly, there was no free doctor, a car accident with lots of injured people had just gone in. However, I found a relatively new nurse instead. Her name is Haley, perhaps you already know her."

Carina didn't know her and shook her head at the question. Miranda opened the door so that Carina could go through and followed her into the hallway.

"Let's have a go then, shall we?"

Carina said and took another deep breath. Miranda looked at her a little worriedly:

"Yes, let's get it over with and get answers for Mila..."

They walked in silence through the corridors of the hospital to the room where Haley was waiting.

Carina tried to smile kindly at her, holding the box and tray on her hip. She gave the nurse her hand to introduce herself briefly:

"Hey, I'm. Dr. Carina DeLuca"

-

"Haley Levett, Miranda brought me in to assist..."

Carina nodded and they both looked expectantly at Miranda as she still held the papers and permission to test:

"Well... Let's go in and get this over with quickly."

Carina opened the door, but let the other two go ahead.

Miranda stepped to one side of the bed and Haley stepped up next to her. Carina walked behind her to the opposite side and immediately felt a little more pressured again.

She looked at the unconscious man and immediately asked herself a question:

'What would you and Miranda do if he woke up right now?

She now looked at Miranda and Miranda looked into her eyes. According to Mila's descriptions, it could indeed be the perpetrator lying in front of her.

Carina put the utensils down and crossed her arms, keeping her eyes on the unconscious man lying in the hospital bed. His face was calm, almost peaceful. But that calmness didn't deceive her. If the test proved what they all suspected, he probably wouldn't stay peaceful for long.

"Dr. DeLuca..."

the assisting nurse said, cutting through the silence.

"Are we ready to proceed?"

Carina nodded.

"Yes. Everything is ready now."

She pulled a surgical gown over her clothes, put on a mask and took a pair of gloves

The swab was sealed in a small packet, sterile and clean. Miranda opened it and gave it to Carina, who was ready to quickly take the swab.

Carina took the swab from Miranda's hand and walked closer to the bed. She opened his mouth on his chin with two fingers and began to take the swab.

Her expression was focused as she delicately swabbed the inside of the man's cheek. She worked quickly and efficiently, like she had done this a thousand times before. But this case...this one felt very different.

Once she finished, she handed the swab to the nurse, who swiftly sealed it. Miranda signed the protocol and had the nurse sign it as well. With the signed papers and swab, she moved towards the door. She paused, glancing back at the two doctors.

"I'll take this to the lab now. We should have the results soon. Should I call you or page?"

"Calling would be better, thank you"

Miranda replied. Her voice was calm, controlled, even as tension began to build beneath her words.

As the nurse left, the room calmed to a heavy silence. Miranda glanced over at Carina, who stood next to her, arms crossed in a reflecting stance.

The waiting was the hardest part now, the stillness before the storm of whatever would come next.

Carina began to remove her gloves, gown and mask:

"We've done everything by the book,"

She said softly and nervously, more to herself than to anyone else:

"The police approved the test. If he is the man who has done all this, we'll know that soon enough."

Miranda nodded, her gaze still locked on the man in the bed. The swab had been taken, the evidence was being processed, and all they could do now was wait.

She wasn't one to dwell on the 'what-ifs', but of course her mind couldn't help but run through the various possibilities.

It had been a hard 24 hours, trying to organize everything so rapidly.

The rape kit had been a necessary, invasive procedure, and Mila had been brave enough to go through it. Now, it was up to science to determine if this man was the one responsible for the unspeakable harm done to her.

A part of Miranda hated the waiting. She was used to solving problems, taking charge, fixing things. But this-this wasn't something she could fix with her hands.

She had to trust in the process, in the lab technicians, in the DNA evidence that would confirm what everyone feared.

Carina broke the silence again when she had finished undressing and throwing it away

"She was strong yesterday. Mila, I mean... She handled the exam well, considering everything."

Her voice softened.

"Now, she just needs the truth."

Miranda didn't respond immediately, her eyes still fixed on the man in the bed.

"The truth is what matters..."

she finally said.

"...Whatever it may be."

Carina nodded and came to Miranda's side to pat her on the shoulder.

After a quiet minute in which they both looked at the man, lost in their thoughts, Carina looked at her watch:

"It's 11:18 by now..."

She looked Miranda in the eye:

"...Mila should be waking up within the next 60 to 90 minutes. I should get back to the station"

Miranda nodded understandingly and thought for a moment before raising her finger and saying:

"Let me make a quick adjustment, come with me"

Miranda walked with Carina out of the room and through the corridors of Grey Sloan without any fuss.

After a reasonably quick walk through the hospital, they arrived at the front desk.

Miranda stopped Carina standing in front of her:

"You wait here a minute, this is going to be really quick"

Miranda walked the remaining distance to the nurses and doctors.

She now spoke briefly to three people, including a nurse, a resident and a relatively new doctor, and seemed pleased with the response she got and came back to Carina with a grin:

"Let's go to the station together. I've got myself covered for the remaining part of my shift."

Carina was relieved and happy to hear the news. It meant that she didn't have to go back to the station alone, and that she didn't know about the DNA test alone.

They quickly went to Miranda's office together so that she could change and get her stuff.

After grabbing everything Miranda needed for the time being, they went to the parking lot in front of the hospital, got into Miranda's car, and drove off.

Chapter Text

As the station wasn't too far away, the ride was relatively smooth. Miranda made a few turns and had to stop at two red lights. At the second red light, she spoke to Carina:

"Can you see if my mobile phone is on?

-

"Sure."

Carina took Miranda's handbag from the back seat to her lap and took out her mobile phone. She pressed the power button and the screen lit up. She didn't want to read what was on the phone, but her eyes fell on a short message from Ben:

11:08 Benjamin: Hey, is everything okay with you and Carina? Maya said that Carina asked you to meet her and after a phone call with Carina, Maya seemed very tense and worried... Love you

Carina felt a lump in her throat and swallowed, she didn't want anyone to worry about her. She could handle it, right now it was Mila they had to worry about.

"Your phone is on, so if the call comes, we'll hear it"

Mirand grinned gratefully:

"Okay, thanks, you can just put it back in my purse, we'll be there in a minute anyway"

They turned into the street of the fire station and finally pulled into the parking lot to park.

Miranda turned back to Carina before pulling out the ignition:

"We shouldn't tell the others anything else about the police and the DNA test for now. We should protect Mila from further stress... And once the others know about it, the talking would probably continue."

Carina was of the same opinion and nodded in agreement.
Miranda and Carina got out of the car and walked across the parking lot towards the building.

Carina felt her heart beat a little faster. She wasn't sure how Maya would react after she had been caught off guard on the phone earlier. All she could do was wish that Maya was not worried. At the same time, she hoped that Mila had slept enough and would be cooperative when she woke up. After all, they still had to sort out who she would be staying with and who she was going to take her things from her apartment with her.

Miranda pushed open the heavy station door and told her to go in first. She felt a little tense too.

Yesterday she had almost rushed over to help Mila with the rape kit. Now it was almost 12 o'clock and Mila would wake up soon, after she had allegedly hurt herself this morning, had a panic attack and had been given sleeping pills.

Carina nodded silently and went in ahead of her with a quiet thank you. Sullivan and Hughes were sitting at the reception desk, both concentrating on looking through a pile of files together. The moment the door closed behind the two women, Sullivan and Vic looked up.

"Heyyy!"

Vic and Sullivan both exclaimed with faint smiles, Vic immediately rising to her feet.

"Good you're back, Carina.... And Miranda, good to see you as well."

Miranda greeted Victoria back and adjusted her handbag on her shoulder. Robert turned around to the other desk so as not to disturb the three women in their conversation, which he supposedly couldn't help much with.

Vic, who was bouncing from one foot to the other, looked at Carina:

"Maya wanted to talk to you as soon as you get back. I'll go and let her know if you like. After that, we could also go up and talk about Mila and anything else that needs to be discussed before we wake her up."

-

"That would be very nice if you could let her know and I would go upstairs with Miranda. Will you let Ben, Andy and Travis know too? I think we should first discuss it in a small group after what has happened this morning..."

Carina looked at Vic, who nodded in understanding and saw in the corner of her eye the worried and questioning looks from Robert, who hadn't noticed anything about the morning and was looking slightly behind for a second.

Vic left the room and went through the door towards the hose storage room to inform Maya. Miranda and Carina went up the stairs and left Sullivan alone with his paperwork.

When they arrived in the kitchen, they saw that Jack had just thrown away the food from the microwave that Mila had put to one side just before leaving yesterday, while looking a little dazed.

Carina approached Jack, slightly worried that he might want to join the conversation, but didn't want anyone else to find out about Mila's problems without her being able to control it:

"Hey Jack

-

"Hey..."

Jack turned around and ruffled his hair a little:

"You probably want to wake Mila up because the shift is about to end, are you?"

Carina looked at Miranda, who by now had made her way to the dining table and set her purse down on the table.

" Yeah... We'll wake her up in a few minutes, but first we wanted to have a little chat... The only problem is that I'll have to ask you not to be involved... Mila hasn't told some people here a few things yet, or rather there are things you don't know and I don't want her to think she can't trust anyone here anymore..."

Jack looked a little bit shocked that he wasn't allowed to be there, but seemed to understand what Carina meant and stammered in response:

"Hey... hey, no problem, I... I'll just wait downstairs. No stress at all, after all, I don't want Mila to think that I try to find out her secrets from other people either, really, I understand... I do!"

Jack walked past Carina towards the stairs and at that exact moment Travis, Maya, Andy and Vic came through the door, ready to have the chat that Jack was unable to be a part of.

"Just give me a shout if you need any help with whatsoever, I'll be downstairs with Sullivan or Ruiz!"

He gave a thumbs up, seeming to totally get it and understand, then disappearing behind Vic through the door to go downstairs.

Maya and Carina made eye contact and Andy looked back and forth between the two of them, eager to know what had happened on the the phone earlier.

"You can go and sit with Miranda,
I'll have a quick word with Maya and then we'll come back to you all in 2 minutes, okay?"

Everyone nodded and Carina took Maya's hand to go into the conference room with her.

In the conference room, Maya closed the door behind her and hugged Carina tightly, whispering in her ear:

"I love you so very much Carina, please never forget that..."

Maya took Carina by the shoulders and looked into her eyes for a few seconds:

"How are you feeling right now?"

Carina had to think a little, wrapped her arms around Maya's waist and tried to explain how she was feeling:

"I don't know exactly, I still feel a bit upset and angry, but I'm glad I'm back with you and the others and that we might be able to help Mila a bit more in a bit"

Maya nodded and was a little relieved that she was feeling better than she had earlier:

"But you are sure you want to and can do all this stuff at the moment? Please be honest if anything gets too much. I want to be there for you, I want to know how you're feeling and what's going on inside of you."

-

"I can do this, and I will tell you if something were to change, okay? Bambina, please don't worry."

-

"Okay"

Maya gave Carina a kiss, which she returned and whispered softly:

"Ti amo"

to which Carina replied with a grin between another kiss:

"Anch'io ti amo"

Chapter Text

Carina and Maya held each other for a few more seconds before finally leaving the conference room.

When they arrived in the kitchen, Miranda, Andy, Maya and Travis were already sitting at the table. Ben also seemed to have just arrived in the kitchen. He stood at the worktop and poured himself a glass of water.

Together with Ben, Carina and Maya approached the table and sat down to start the conversation.

Miranda folded her hands into each other and placed them on top of the table:

"It's great that we all managed to sit down together..."

She looked into everyone's eyes for a moment and paused:

"Carina had filled me in on the latest events and finds from this morning, I can well imagine that all of you have plenty of questions and worry about Mila at the same time."

Everybody at the table was deeply emotional at the words, which reminded them of how Mila was currently doing.

Carina and Maya exchanged a brief glance before Carina took a deep breath and felt compelled to say the most important thing first:

"I think the most urgent thing right now is to decide how we can help Mila in the nearest future. She's still asleep from the medication, but from the moment we wake her up... From that moment on, we have to proceed with caution",

she said, her voice calm but with a hint of concern.

Andy leaned forward, elbows on the table, hands clasped tightly. She didn't know much but her biggest concern continued to be the fact that Mila seemed to be hurting herself. The fear that these injuries could eventually end in something catastrophic was too real:

"The bigger problem that I see at the moment is that we don't know how serious the injury is that she must have inflicted. If she has injured herself with a razor blade, we have to treat that! we don't even know where or how serious the injury is. What do we do when she wakes up? Maybe she won't let us help her... I'm really worried that she might do something worse to herself."

Miranda nodded, her face calm but serious:

"It's a tricky situation, no doubt about that. Mila's well-being is the first priority, but we also have to respect her boundaries. We definitely need to ask her later today about the injury she supposedly inflicted. We all know that untreated injuries can lead to serious complications and additionally we need to make an assessment of whether we need to act as friends and family or as healthcare professionals."

Maya and Travis didn't quite know if they should say anything. Vic, on the other hand, sighed and leaned her head back on her arm, which she leaned on the table and ran a hand through her hair:

"Maybe we shouldn't bring up self-harm to her together. I think it would be more comforting for her if people who have already been through situations like this discussed it with her..."

She looked at Ben, Carina and Miranda in particular.

"... She needs us as confidants at the moment, we need to give her as much security and trust as we can. Maybe we should even try to get her to speak out on her own, we can ask her questions, but we shouldn't go up to her and say that we 'know' what she's done."

Ben, who had been listening in silence until now, finally spoke up:

"I also think that maybe Diane, Miranda or Carina should take it up with her alone for now, I think I as a man am not the most suitable person at the moment. But we should definitely try to get her to come to us on her own, as long as there are no other signs that it could be a life-threatening situation..."

The others nodded and Ben said the most important things he could think of to protect Mila:

"But then it would be important that she's not alone until we can be sure that she's not a danger to herself. Being alone is definitely not an option for her at the moment, we don't know enough about her current mental state... No sharp objects near her, no blades or razors in bathrooms or other rooms that she uses alone and no other options that could allow her to continue hurting herself."

Carina nodded:

"That sounds like a good plan, but we still need to discuss who we can put Mila up with. We also need to pick up some clothes and other things from Mila's apartment that she'll need for the next few days."

Travis leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh:

"Has anyone been to her place before? I think it would be kind of an invasion of her privacy if she had new people accompanying her to her apartment and more or less forcing her to take things with her and move in with someone else for a few days."

Miranda and Carina exchanged glances to see if they'd been to her place before, but both shook their heads slightly.

Carina answered Travis:

"I don't think anyone has actually been to her apartment yet."

Andy sighed.

"Unfortunately, she doesn't have many other options at the moment apart from letting anyone in. The biggest problem is really deciding who comes with her. It's going to feel invasive no matter who or how we do it."

Maya trembled and shook her head.

"We shouldn't worry about that right now. The only thing that is of concern now is Mila's safety. First we need to see how she is when she wakes up again. Then we'll think about the next steps. She can decide for herself who will take her things with her and then we can tell her with whom it would be okay for her to stay for the time being. We should at least give her a few options so that she can decide for herself. "

Everyone else nodded, seeing this as the best way to give Mila some space while still somehow forcing her into a situation to protect her from herself.

Vic was the first to speak up:

"Travis and I had already talked and it would be okay with us if she moved into the spare room, which is currently a guest room.

Maya searched for eye contact with Carina and received a nod in response, whereupon Maya spoke:

"It would be okay for us too, we also have a spare room and could offer it to her."

Ben and Miranda looked slightly stressed, they didn't know if they could make it. Ben explained:

"We could offer it to her if necessary but with Pru, Tuck and Joey.... We don't really have much room. But we could still make it work if she favors it."

Miranda nodded and everyone finally looked to Andy, whose turn it was to speak:

"I actually have no idea if it would be so smart to let her live with me - when I leave the house, there's no one else around. But in theory, I have the extra space in a guest room."

They were all somewhat relieved that at the very least there would be no problems in this scenario and Carina looked at her watch,

"We should go and check on Mila, she should be starting to wake up."

Miranda looked at her and was about ready to jump right out,

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Carina stood up and then nodded

"I actually think you might be one of the the most important person she needs right now"

The others started to get up as well and Travis looked a little worried and headed over to Vic, Maya and Andy while Carina and Miranda were discussing something with Ben.

"Do you guys think we can do enough to help Mila? I'm a bit frightened that I might miss something, say the wrong thing or..."

Vic jumped around Travis with open arms and hugged him tightly:

"We can do this, we've done all we can so far... We are not going to give up now !"

Travis nodded and hugged Vic back for a second before they broke away from each other.

The fear of saying or doing the wrong thing was justified, but in the end Vic was right. They had already been through so much as 19, why should they give up now

Maya and Vic were also a little unsure, had lots of questions and simply relied on what Ben, Miranda, Carina and Vic told them.

Ben walked over to the others, looking a bit stressed:

"We're going to wake Mila up now... does anyone want to come along? Or do you wanna go do some remaining work before the Shift change?"

They looked at each other and were actually pretty sure that they wanted to be there when Mila woke up. Just in case something should happen, they wanted to be at the door to help if required.

Andy looked at Ben, who had already guessed the answer:

"We'll come with you. I'd say, that we'll stay outside the room, but we'll come with you."

She smiled a little sadly.

Miranda and Carina slowly joined the others and exhaled a deep breath.
Miranda looked at her arms, crossed them and looked at the others:

"Are you ready?"

Everyone nodded and followed after Miranda and Carina down the floor to the lockers.

Chapter Text

The hallway was silent except for the faint hum of the air conditioning.

Carina glanced at the clock on the wall and then back at the others:

"Her meds are going to wear off any minute..."

she whispered.

"...We need to decide who's going in."

Miranda crossed her arms:

"I don’t think all of us should go in. It’ll definitely overwhelm and scare her."

Andy sighed and wasn't sure what to say, but wanted to help somehow:

"I had just told Ben we would be all waiting outside..."

"She definitely needs to feel safe when she wakes up, she can't be in there alone or with just one of us, but she can't wake up with all of us in her room either."

Vic said softly.

Maya nodded:

"Vic’s right. Too many faces might make her panic. But someone needs to be there when she wakes up so we should decide."

"Who?..."

Travis asked, his voice breaking the brief silence:

"...I mean... Who would she feel the safest with?"

The group exchanged glances, the weight of the decision they had to make pressing down on them. Each of them had reasons to step forward and reasons to hold back.

No one wanted to make the wrong choice.

"I’ll wait by the lockers,"

Maya finally said, breaking the stalemate.

"She might not want to see me first."

-

"I'll wait outside too, I think it would be better if no male person does this"

Said Travis and sat down on the bench in front of the lockers.

Ben sat down next to him

"I'll stay outside for now, too."

A deep worried sigh escaped Carina:

"How about two of us go in, and the rest stay back? We can swap or call for 'backup' if needed."

Vic looked at her and asked in a soft tone:

"But who?"

The group stood in tense silence, each of them glancing towards each other.

Miranda broke the quiet:

"I'm just going to decide: Carina and I are going in"

"We don’t know how she’ll react, and we can’t risk scaring her. And unfortunately... Carina and I have already experienced her in her darkest days"

Andy nodded:

"I’ll grab her some clean clothes and a towel in the meantime. She might want to shower before we leave."

Without waiting for a response, she turned and headed down the hall.

"Vic,"

Miranda continued, turning to her,

"could you stay here by the lockers. If things go south or she needs anything, we’ll call you in."

Vic hesitated, then nodded, her hands fidgeting at her sides:

"Okay. But also call me if YOU need me. Don’t try to handle everything on your own."

Miranda gave her a small, reassuring smile:

"We won’t."

Carina stepped forward, her voice gentle but resolute:

"Well then..."

-

"Let's do this..."

Miranda answered, glancing again at the closed door.

The two women walked toward Mila’s room, their footsteps quiet against the floor. Carina reached out to open the door softly, pausing just long enough for Miranda to whisper:

"Slowly. We don’t want to scare her."

The door creaked open, revealing the dimly lit room. Mila was still somewhat asleep.

Her eyebrows furrowed, and she tossed a little, as if caught in a bad dream. Carina and Miranda exchanged a quick look, then stepped inside, the door clicking softly shut behind them.

In the hallway, Vic leaned against a locker, her arms crossed. She glanced toward Andy, who was searching through a supply closet, pulling out a towel and sweats.

Vic muttered under her breath:

"Let’s just hope this goes okay."

Andy looked at her and sadly nodded.

Inside the room, Mila’s eyelids slowly fluttered open. Her breath hitched, and her body tensed as her surroundings came into focus.

The sight of Miranda and Carina standing nearby startled her. She sat up abruptly, her hands gripping the edge of the bed.

She backed away as quickly as possible until she was pressed against the wall:

"Stay back! Please dont hurt me!"

she cried, her voice shaking with fear:

"Please! Don’t hurt me. Please..."

Her words broke into panicked sobs.

"Mila, it’s us,"

Miranda said softly, keeping her hands visible and her voice calm.

"It’s me, Miranda. And Carina’s here too. You’re safe. I promise, you’re safe."

"Please,"

Mila whimpered, tears streaming down her face. Her hands were trembling, holding up a pillow like it was a shield.

"Don’t come any closer... please..."

Carina crouched down slowly, her voice soft and calm:

"Mila, I know you’re scared. But we’re not going to hurt you. You’re at the station. It’s just us, okay? No one else is here. You’re safe... I promise."

Outside the room, the muffled sound of Mila’s cries and pleas hit the others like a gut punch. Vic leaned her head against the lockers. She closed her eyes, breathed in and out deeply and was visibly tense:

"I can’t just stand here,"

she muttered.

Ben gently placed a hand on her shoulder, his expression heavy with sorrow:

"Let them try, Vic. Mila needs to hear their calm voices right now. If we went in now, she would only be even more scared"

Andy stood frozen, a towel and clothes in her hands, her knuckles white from gripping them too tightly. The memory of how she had felt and how she had kicked and punched Vic in her sleep came back to her. It had taken weeks before she was able to live somewhat normally again.

Travis said nothing, his jaw tight as he stared at the closed door. His heart broke as he listened to Mila.

Inside, Miranda stepped closer, keeping her movements slow:

"Mila, can you take a deep breath with me?"

she asked gently.

“Just one big breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Like this.”

She demonstrated, her breaths even and calming.

Carina added:

"We’re not going to touch you, Mila. We just want to help. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You’re in control here. We won't force you to do anything"

Mila's sobs gradually eased as she watched Miranda breathe. Her chest was rising and falling in shallow, shaky movements as she tried to imitate her.

"You ... are ... not lying?"

she whispered between breaths, her voice unsteady.

"Never,"

Miranda said softly:

"You're in a safe place. We're here for you, nothing else."

Carina nodded, her voice warm:

"And when you're ready, we'll help you get cleaned up, grab some clothes, and get you out of here. No hurry. We'll go at the pace you want."

Mila hesitated, her eyes darting back and forth between them before she slowly loosened her grip on the pillow. Her breathing gradually calmed, although her body was still shaking.

Outside, the group exchanged glances, each of them feeling the weight of Mila's pain. Andy clenched her fists and swallowed the lump in her throat. Vic whispered:

"No one should ever be that scared. No one."

Ben nodded silently, his eyes fixed on the door, hoping Miranda and Carina's words would make Mila feel safe again.

But inside Milas room, Mila's breathing became irregular again. Shame flickered in her eyes and her voice trailed off as she spoke:

"I'm sorry"

she mumbled with her head down.

"I'm twenty-one. I shouldn't... I shouldn't be acting like this. Like a scared child."

Miranda immediately shook her head, her voice calm but kind.

"Mila, you're nowhere near being an adult at twenty-one. You're still figuring out life. I don't think anyone that age has magically figured everything out yet."

Carina added in a gentle tone:

"And with everything you've been through, this isn't about your age. It's about what you feel, it's valid, and it's okay to express those feelings. You don't have to keep them to yourself."

Mila's hand moved slowly to her throat, and her voice rose in panic:

"I... I think I... I can't... My throat... I can't breathe!"

"Okay, Mila,"

Carina said softly, keeping her voice calm even though worry showed on her face:

"You're having a panic attack. It feels real, but I promise you, you're here with us. You can breathe. Try breathing in slowly through your nose. Come try it with me."

Miranda stood back, hands raised in a non-threatening gesture:

"We're not getting any closer Mila, but we're here. Look at me. You're In control. This is your safe place. You're safe. And we will help you to calm down"

Mila winced, her eyes darting back and forth between them as tears ran down her cheeks. Her breathing was shallow and irregular, her body shaking as if she was trapped in a memory she couldn't escape:

"It hurts,"

she groaned:

"I feel like it's happening again. I can't..."

Carina's voice was soft and even:

"I know it's terrible, Mila. But it won't happen again. You're here, with us. You're safe. Can you try to touch the pillows? Feel its texture under your fingers. Concentrate on something else."

Mila hesitated, her hand trembling as she pressed her fingers into the pillows. Her breathing slowed slightly but she was still panicking:

"It ... it won't stop,"

she whispered, her voice breaking.

Miranda was the next to speak:

"Mila, can Carina sit in front of you? Not touch you, just sit close to ground you. Only if you're okay with that."

Mila hesitated, her lips trembling. After a long moment, she nodded shakily:

"Okay. Just ... not too close, I know it's stupid, but I need some space...."

Carina moved slowly and lowered herself to the ground a few feet in front of Mila:

"It's not stupid at all that you need space"

she said gently, folding her hands in her lap:

"You're doing so well, Mila. I'm proud of you for trusting us, if only a little."

Mila began rubbing her upper arm with her right hand, a frantic and almost aggressive movement. Carina noticed this and asked quietly:

"Would it be okay if I held your hands? You could squeeze my hands if you want."

Mila's eyes met Carina's, wide and searching, before she hesitantly nodded again:

"Okay"

she whispered.

Carina reached out, her movements deliberate and slow, and gently took Mila's hands in hers:

"You're not alone, Mila,"

she said softly:

"We're here with you. You're safe now."

Mila's trembling slowed and her breathing began to calm. But as the tension drained from her body, a new wave of emotion overwhelmed her. She let out a stifled sob and collapsed in Carina's arms, who now held her tightly as she wept uncontrollably.

Carina held her tightly and rubbed slow circles over her back:

"It's okay to cry, Mila. Let it all out."

Miranda watched her with a mixture of compassion and concern. Her eyes met Carina's over Mila's body, and both women silently shared the same thought:

'this is only the beginning.'

As Mila's sobs filled the room, the soft sound of footsteps outside reminded them that they were not alone in their worry.

Outside there were Ben, Travis, Andy, Vic and Maya, just as concerned as Miranda and Carina.

Chapter Text

Mila clung to Carina, her tears running down her face. The sobs grew deeper, heavier, as if everything she had held back for so long was finally bursting out.

Her head layed against Carina's shoulder and her fingers clawed at the fabric of her shirt, as if she needed to hold on to something tangible to keep her from breaking completely.

Miranda, who had kept her distance until now, slowly came closer. She knelt down next to Mila and Carina, keeping her movements gentle. She placed a hand on Mila's back and began to gently stroke her back:

"Mila,"

she whispered soothingly:

"it's all right. Let it all out. You're not alone. We're here, and we're not letting you go."

Mila lifted her head a little, her eyes red and puffy, her voice a whisper:

"I'm sorry... I'm so weak. All of this... all of this is my fault. I could have done something about all of this. Now... Now I'm just a burden for you all..."

Carina and Miranda exchanged a worried look:

"No, Mila..."

Carina said softly as she held her hand:

"It's not your fault. None of what happened is your fault."

But Mila shook her head violently, her tears flowing again and her thoughts screaming insideher head:

"Of course it is, it's all my fault! My father... the way he treated me, beat me to the point where I was in hospital, my mother, who never did anything about it and insulted me... And last night..."

Her voice broke and she struggled for breath:

"Maybe I deserved it somehow. Maybe I should have-"

"Stop it, Mila,"

Miranda interrupted, her voice soft but firm:

"That's not true. You didn't deserve any of this. Not what your father did, not what your mother did, and certainly not what that man did last night. You're a good person who's had bad things happen to. It's not your fault."

Carina nodded, her voice full of compassion:

"You're so strong, Mila. You're here, you're talking to us, you're opening up. It shows how incredibly strong you are, even if you don't feel it right now."

Mila was still crying, but her sobs began to even out. She let Carina and Miranda calm her down, their words and touch seemed to act like an anchor. Finally, Miranda lifted her head and spoke softly:

"Mila, I have an idea. Vic and everyone else are outside waiting. She likes you a lot and cares about you and sees how great you are, despite everything that's happened. Maybe it would help if she came in for a minute. But only if you're comfortable with it."

Mila hesitated, her tears still fresh on her cheeks. After a moment, she nodded weakly:

"Okay...she can come in."

Mila trusted Vic more than many others. But beyond that, she probably had no choice but to cooperate with Miranda and Carina and let more people in that care about her.

Miranda smiled reassuringly:

"Alright, I'll go get Vic. I'll be right back with you."

She gently squeezed Mila's shoulder, stood up and walked to the door.

Outside, Andy, Maya, Ben, Vic and Travis waited with tense and worried faces. They all turned to Miranda at the same time as she stepped out.

"How is she?"

Travis asked immediately.

Maya immediately stood up from the bench her voice extremely concerned:

"How's her condition?"

Andy couldn't get a word out and looked anxiously at Miranda, hoping to get some new information about Mila.

Miranda raised a hand to stop Vic, who was about to ask something:

"I promise I'll tell you everything, but not now. She needs rest, and she's just starting to open up. Give us and especially Mila the time she needs. We'll find plenty of time to talk over everything later..."

Everyone nodded reluctantly, but their gazes remained worried. Miranda turned to Vic:

"She's agreed to let you come in. But go slowly, be quiet. She's still very vulnerable."

Vic's eyes widened and he nodded seriously:

"Okay..."

With one last encouraging look, Miranda opened the door and let Vic enter.

Outside, Ben, Travis, Maya and Andy were still all together, each of them tense and deep in thoughts.

Andy leaned against the wall, her eyes on the floor as she twisted her fingers together rather nervously:

"How much longer is this going to be?"

muttered Travis, more to himself than to the others:

"It sounds hard in there. I honestly wonder what it's going to be like when they ask her who she wants to go to her apartment with and who she wants to stay with for the next few days."

Ben crossed his arms and leaned back:

"Mila's always been someone who took a long time to talk about her feelings. But when she does, she does it properly. She has courage, even if she doesn't see it that way right now. I firmly believe that she will open up to us at some point and allow us to help her. She just needs to find her own way to express herself."

Maya raised an eyebrow and gave Ben a curious look:

"How do you know about all this?"

she asked:

"She's still quite a newbie round here."

Travis nodded:

"Yeah, I didn't think you two would know each other that well. But it makes sense, she's talked to you a lot after hard calls."

Andy, who had been quiet until now, looked up as well:

"Have you worked together before? At the hospital or something?"

Ben sighed softly and leaned forward a little, his voice calm and thoughtful:

"Mila was with Miranda and me from time to time when she was still in high school. It was about other things then, but she showed early on how much she carries around with her. And later, at the Fire Academy, she'd reach out to Miranda whenever she needed someone she could trust."

Maya looked at him in surprise:

"I wouldn't have thought so. She always seemed like she was trying to work everything out by herself."

Ben nodded slowly:

"She normally does. But she did need someone sometimes, and Miranda and I were there. Carina was actually often there for her too, you two didn't even know each other then. It was never easy, and I don't want to say too much ... it's her private matter. But I know how difficult it is for her to open up. That's why I still believe she'll get there eventually. She just needs time and good friends and a family that will stick by her."

The group fell silent for a moment, each of them letting Ben's words sink in.

Andy lifted her head, a shade of sadness in her gaze. Her voice was soft, almost a whisper:

"It's hard to let go of things like that. Even when you want to. Sometimes it takes more time than you think. And I'll be honest, what she went through yesterday was terrible... Seriously terrible."

Maya gave Andy a sharp look, her brow furrowing slightly. She placed a hand on Andy's arm:

"Hey, are you alright?"

she asked gently.

Andy winced slightly because her mind wandered after her sentence. Looking at Maya and attempting a weak smile Andy answered:

"Yeah... it's just... the whole thing reminds me of the man at Joe's bar. When he almost... almost..."

She broke off, the words stuck in her throat.

Maya nodded in understanding.

"You don't have to explain yourself, Andy. But you don't have to stand here and bring it all to the surface for yourself either. Would you like some tea? We could go to the kitchen for a minute and clear your mind..."

Ben nodded in agreement:

"Maya's right. It's important that you know your limits, Andy. If you feel it's getting too much, tell us. No one here expects you to take it all and overstep your boundaries."

Travis, who had been quiet until now, now spoke softly:

"If you need a moment to yourself, take it. It's not just an option for Carina Miranda and Vic in there, it's for you and the rest of us aswell."

Andy breathed in and out deeply, her shoulders slumping a little as the tension eased:

"Maybe a cup of tea..."

she finally said quietly:

"Thank you, Maya."

"Come on..."

Maya said softly, taking Andy's arm and leading her toward the kitchen.

"We'll get some tea and come back when you're ready."

Ben and Travis looked after the two of them before Ben spoke again:

"Mila will be fine..."

he said quietly, more to himself than to Travis:

"And so will Andy and everyone else. They're stronger than they think."

In the meantime, the situation in the room had also changed.

After Vic entered carefully and closed the door quietly behind her, her eyes immediately searched for Mila and she was shocked.

Mila was still sitting on the bed, leaning against Carina. Vic had never seen her so weak and vulnerable.

Her shocked and sad eyes met Carina's, who was holding the trembling Mila tightly in her arms.

Miranda followed Vic and stopped near the door as Vic slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, a safe distance away from Mila.

Vic and Miranda looked at each other for a bit and Miranda nodded to let her know it was okay to say something.

Vic took a deep breath and exhaled, thinking carefully about her next words:

"Hey, Mila,"

Vic began softly now, her voice gentle and soothing.

Mila lifted her head, her eyes red and puffy. She looked at Vic, but said nothing, continuing to cling to Carina.

Vic continued, her voice soft and honest:

"I know I don't know you as well as the others. But I wanted to tell you that I think you're incredibly brave. It's not easy to go through something like this, and yet here you are. It shows how strong you are."

Mila hesitated, but slowly seemed to thaw a little:

"I... I don't feel strong,"

she finally whispered.

Carina squeezed Mila's hands lightly and added:

"It's okay to feel weak, Mila. But Vic is right. Strength also means accepting help when you need it."

Mila leaned forward slightly and hid her face a little. The words seemed to be slowly getting through to her. She took a deep breath, her shoulders slumped a little:

"I... I don't know how I'm going to manage all this,"

she admitted, her voice brittle.

Miranda put a hand on Mila's Arm:

"You don't have to do it alone, Mila. We are here. All of us. You can trust us and choose your own pace."

Vic smiled gently and added:

"And you know what? You're a wonderful person, Mila. Despite everything that's happened to you, you radiate so much warmth and kindness. That shows how big your heart is... And no one can break a heart that big."

Mila looked at Vic in surprise, her eyes filling with tears again. This time it seemed like they weren't just tears of sadness. She took a few deep breaths and finally nodded weakly.

"Thank you,"

she finally whispered, her voice barely audible.

Carina and Miranda exchanged a relieved look, while Vic flashed an encouraging smile. The atmosphere in the room seemed to relax a little, and Mila seemed a little calmer for the first time.

Now Miranda Carina and Vic just had to figure out the best way to ask Mila who would go with her to her apartment to pack the most important things.

They also had to prepare her for the fact that she would be staying with someone else for the next few days and that she would have to talk to Diane later.

But they would manage somehow and within the next hour they would drive Mila from the station to her apartment and on to someone else in the station to continue her healing process.