Chapter Text
It's firefight and I, I won't run
There's spit and spite all through my blood
For you and me, there's nowhere left to hide
Except you and me, there's no one else alive
- Firefight by Jimmy Eat World
[]
"Leo's still up there."
Donnie looked up. And for a moment, the world stood still.
Then his brain started to move, to predict patterns, to take everything he knew about Hamato Leonardo and come to the blood-chilling conclusion. Or maybe it was the ridiculous notion of 'twin-sense', but either way. Donnie looked up and he knew exactly what Leo was going to do.
"No." Donnie said, stomach dropping to his toes. "No, no, no, no, no no!"
"Donnie -- !" Raph tried to reach out, but it was too late. Donnie's dazed and hurting body was already moving, the battle shell shifting to flight mode and launching directly into the air. He didn't have enough time. He had to be fast.
"Casey. Casey come in." Leo's voice came over the communicator, and Donnie hated that he was right, he hated his stupid twin and his stupid ideas, because he knew what was about to happen.
There was distant shouts from his brothers, but it didn’t matter because they were okay, they were fine and Leo was about to not be. The urgency pushed his ninpo, twisting back his bo and summoning veritable jet engines to propel him towards the portal. There wasn’t enough time. He just needed a little more time.
The G forces battered his body, already aching from his smashed shield and hurtling off a sky scraper. He had a lot of ground to make up. The expanse of it yawned between him and his goal, while Leo was in his ear saying exactly what Donnie thought he'd say. Once I’m on the other side, close the portal.
Donnie was well aware of the thought process that brought Leo to this conclusion. It was the only possible way to save the world. He hated it.
The cackle of Raph over the comm. begging Leo not to do this. If only they could stall him long enough. The Technodrome grew bigger and bigger as he hurtled towards it, but it was still too far.
More strength. More push. Donnie grit his teeth as they rattled ominously in his head. He would never forgive himself if he was too slow. There was no second option here. He couldn't bear to think of a universe where Donnie stood and watched this happen.
Not going to happen. Donnie pushed harder, a streak of purple lighting up the bleak skyline, gaining rapid altitude. Stealing the breath directly from his lungs. The whip of wind that streaked tears from the corners of his eyes. He stretched out a hand, watching as the figure of Leo came into sight. Trapped underneath the claws of a monster.
"What you fail to realize," Leo said, voice crackling over the comm. "I missed on purpose."
When the two of them disappeared, Donnie didn't halt -- if anything he pushed harder. He'd known, from the moment he launched into the air, that he couldn't stop this from happening. Leo was going to save the world by dragging the monster into the prison and shutting the door. Donnie tore through the air, directly towards the portal, aware he had seconds to get in there.
Because if his twin was going to hell, then Donnie was too.
Nothing else registered beyond the scream of wind past his ears, the stretch and pull of overextending his ninpo, tunnel vision towards the mouth of the portal. He just needed to get past the threshold and he'd be --
"Casey! Close the portal now!" Leo's voice came, a million miles away.
Donnie stretched his limits and beyond, desperate, reaching. A flicker of blue and silver passed him and Donnie reflexively snatched one out of the air with a shell arm. Leo's sword. Ahead of him, the Kraang beating the shit out of his brother.
"Casey, please!" The pain in Leo's voice. Donnie passed the threshold.
"Donnie, wait!" Raph cried.
There was no time left for apologies. One final push, just moments before the portal rapidly shut. A snap, and a burst of energy behind Donnie.
He'd made it. All his momentum carried him forward, towards his twin that was saying something stupid that Donnie couldn't even hear because he was so focused on his goal. Leo let go of the Kraang, drifting off into space with a stupid grin on his face and --
Donnie collided with Leo in a tangle of limbs. There was an instinctive cling in return from his twin, before the realization sunk in.
"No." Leo breathed in his ear, immediately shattered. "No, no, no, no, no!"
Every muscle in Donnie's body was shaking like an earthquake from the amount of effort he'd just expended. The explosion caught up to them, sending the twins spiralling away into space and debris.
For one singular moment, Donnie allowed himself a burst of victory. His heart was still thudding a thousand miles an hour in his chest, having been absolutely terrified he wasn't going to make it in time. But he did. And he held onto Leo, his prize.
Then they hit the ground, the sudden tumble bursting them apart. Donnie felt the world spin, rapid and disorientating, before he slammed into something rock and cracking under his impact.
His ears were ringing. Everything kept spinning. But his guard raised, metaphorical hackles rising, as heavy thunderous footsteps approached.
"You ruined everything!" Kraang Prime roared, imposing figure of sharp lithe lines cut through Donnie's vision.
Donnie's heart hadn't been given a moment to slow. He still hadn't even caught up to the shatter of his shield, let alone the agony he'd just pushed through to get there.
"And what was the point of you?" Kraang Prime was looking directly at Donnie, approaching and raising his foot. Donnie had enough a moment to think, shit, before it crashed down on him. Too dazed and disoriented to try and defend himself.
A menacing lean overtop sent crushing pain through all the intersections of Donnie's body. Prime got in his face and hissed, "What did you think this would accomplish other than giving me another toy?"
Donnie loved to give a witty reply. Something smart and scathing and would prove himself a worthy opponent. Unfortunately, he couldn't breathe, so he just spat in the Kraang's face.
Another roar.
"Pests. Both of you." Prime said. He turned towards Leo and froze. Donnie tipped his head but saw nothing. Leo was gone, a crater where he'd landed but nothing else.
"What's this?" Prime hissed, turning around but still not spotting the blue turtle. "You claim duty yet you abandon your kin when I have him trapped after he foolishly tried to save you?"
Donnie leaned back, breathing slow and even, trying to calm his racehorse of a heart. It was beginning to painfully assault his ribcage. He knew Leo had a plan. He always had a plan. Just give him a minute. Just wait.
Prime slammed Donnie back into the rocks, and he'd braced himself enough that only a small pained sound tore from his throat, even when the floor broke through and Donnie plunged into freefall. Only a moment before he cracked into more rocks below, arching up, still trapped under Prime's claws.
The blows rained down with a furious scream, fist then fist then fist. Then for a moment, barely even a milisecond, Prime let go of Donnie to rear back both arms in preparation for what looked like would be a very painful drive into the rocks. In that tiny window of opportunity, a blue portal opened underneath Donnie and swallowed him, shutting just as quickly. Donnie tumbled into Leo's arms.
Immediately, Leo covered Donnie's mouth, muffling any pained sounds from the jostling. He was staring straight ahead in cold terror, sweat down his brow, pupils tiny.
Donnie's logical mind took a moment to backtrack -- Leo taking Prime's moment of distraction to retrieve his sword, which had rolled away from Donnie's shell arm on impact, and hiding until he could retrieve Donnie. But they hadn't gone far, and the danger of being seen was dangerously high.
He waited for Leo to portal them away again, but he just as quickly came to the hurdle: where? It wasn't as if they had any idea of somewhere safe to escape to, other than the obvious idea of trying portal home.
But to try now and possibly open a portal back to Earth while Prime was still a stone's throw away was just asking to let him back where they didn't want him. He tapped Leo's hand once to show he understood and it peeled off his mouth.
Blinking through his rattled disorientation, Donnie shifted up just enough to try and follow Leo's gaze. Kraang Prime's figure was stalking, tail whipping angrily, a roar of pure fury not nearly far enough away.
Donnie's trembling hand reached out and touched Leo's face so he'd turn towards him instead. He mouthed: hide.
There was an utterly paralyzed terror in Leo's gaze. His eyes flickered between Donnie and Prime before he returned, helpless: where?
Yeah, yeah, good question. Ignoring the pain and the weakness throughout his whole body, Donnie evaluated their surroundings. They were crouched behind some debris, but it would not hold up for long, and it was going to be obvious soon enough. They had to get some room between them and Prime so they could regroup.
Leo was wavering, an uncharacteristic amount of indecision. Something almost crushed. Donnie didn't have much strength left, but he always had some for Leo. And for whatever reason Leo was faltering, it was up to his twin to pick up the slack.
Running was pointless. They would never be faster than the Kraang. But they could hide -- this dimension looked huge, it would at least take him a while to find them. Hiding too close nearby was a probably a bad idea, but there weren't a ton of other options that wouldn't result in being seen.
Donnie carefully disentangled them, ignoring the way Leo squeezed harder to try and keep him close. He put on his most serious, firm expression. Pushing down on his own emotions to be exactly what Leo needed in that moment, calm and ready. Even as his hands shook from pain. He had to physically drag Leo's chin to get him looking at Donnie instead of the raging Kraang in the distance, and once he had his attention he began to silently sign.
'Can you portal both of us?' Donnie asked.
'Where?' Leo repeated, the frantic motion of his finger back and forth beside him.
'Can you?' Donnie pushed his fists downward with force, showing the emphasis.
Leo visibly swallowed. He looked back at the Kraang, then back to Donnie with a nod. He added, 'If you need me to.'
They were both exhausted. Leo's chest was heaving for air, though he barely made a sound with it. There was a nasty bruise on the side of his face that had Donnie concerned about potential head injuries. He wanted to ease the terror that wasn't wiping away, even though they were both still alive.
Rosalind Franklin, they were both still alive. Despite the agony racing up and down all his limbs, Donnie couldn't get over how fucking relieved he was to be within arm's reach of his twin. He'd really felt like he was going to lose him. Stupid, selfless idiot. Okay, he was relieved and a bit angry. There was time for that later. They needed to get away.
In a situation where Leo did not know the geography, portalling was restricted to line of sight. If it was their line of sight, then it was Prime's as well. But plummeting through the floor reminded Donnie that there were more than just the surfaces they could see surrounding them. Three-dimensional space. Or the fundamental rule of humans that would hopefully apply here: no one ever looked up.
Donnie cranked his head back and inspected the debris above them, drifting through the infinite space. A bright white star illuminating the area with many more further away. There were pieces of an old alien spaceship above them. It didn't appear to be Kraang, which was good enough for Donnie. He silently pointed up at it.
Leo looked too, rounded eyes taking a moment to flicker over the distant ship, apparently deciding on a spot as he adjusted his grip on his sword. A spark of blue, lighting up his markings, and the portal winked into existence beside them.
Donnie glanced over Leo's shoulder and locked eyes with Kraang Prime, who spotted the gleam of blue and was charging them at top speed. His stomach dropped to his toes, blood going ice cold. He trusted that the portal was going somewhere safe and snatched up Leo's hand and to drag him through.
Leo hadn't turned to see the danger but obviously read it on Donnie's face, whirling around to close the portal as soon as they cleared it. Donnie collapsed, hands scraping in his attempt to catch himself on the metal floor.
"Shit." Leo said, voice rough, and swiftly took a knee beside Donnie. "You okay?"
Donnie heaved for air, limbs pulsing with adrenaline. He looked around, trying to spot any weaknesses. "Is it safe?"
"I don't think there's anywhere around here that's that." Leo said, grim. "But this is mostly enclosed, at least, so he won't spot us right away. Good call."
Donnie flopped back, feeling his heart beat in every inch of his body. The pain had a hysterical edge to it, like it hadn't really happened to him. Some other guy got thudded repeatedly into the rocks. He forced himself to draw air through his nose, slowing the desperate gasps, and looked at his twin through slitted eyes.
"Are you okay?" Donnie asked, because Leo still had that lost-panicked look, fingers fluttering uselessly at his side, mouth parted.
"Am I okay?" Leo repeated, incredulous. "What the hell, Donnie?"
"Ah." Donnie let his head thud back, swallowing his sore throat and finally catching up to what was going on. "So you were trying to die, then."
"What?" Leo said, almost wild with it.
"That's why you're all messed up. Because you were assuming you were going to die but my being here means you suddenly have to try to survive and you weren't ready for it." If Leo had been expecting to come to the other side of portal and survive, he'd have his plan ready. Not this terror-stricken thing crouching beside Donnie looking like the world was ending.
"I -- I literally cannot believe you right now. I -- I am so fucking angry at you." Leo replied.
"Cool." Donnie shut his eyes, already feeling the dust and grit working their way underneath his lids. "Give me a minute, then we can get back to that."
Leo was still, and after a moment he settled down beside Donnie. Despite apparently being furious with him, Leo reached out and held Donnie's wrist, right over his pulse.
"I'm fine." Donnie reported.
"Do you want to start arguing?" Leo bit back, trembling.
Donnie didn't, so he stopped and let Leo take his pulse. He listened to the atmosphere intently, trying to see if he could catch the moment Kraang Prime discovered their new hiding place. There was only an ominous creaking of the alien ship they were hiding in.
It took a few minutes, but both of their ragged breathing stopped filling the space with intensity. Donnie realized the extent of his pain, as the rattling settled and let him feel his own body beyond a wall of effort, that it was riddled with contusions and bruises, mostly centered on his poor ribs when the claws had pinned him down.
"Thanks for getting my sword." Leo said, eventually. His trembling fingers were curled around the grip, turning the blade to inspect his reflection in it, a flash of steeled eyes.
"I'm always picking up after you." Donnie wheezed, pressing his palm hard against the middle of his plastron like it might help the whole breathing thing.
Leo's gaze went disturbingly blank. Donnie instinctively reached for him, tugging on the ends of his mask tails.
"Hey." Donnie said. "Angry at me?"
"Let's get home first, how about." Leo exhaled through his nose, straightening up and smoothly bringing his sword to stance. The listless sway of the alien ship around them, the only light source from the star through the torn apart hallway further down.
Donnie didn't want to be a defeatist, but he was a realist. And he knew this wasn't going to work. He didn't bother holding his breath as Leo lit up his ninpo, working his jaw and sparking as no portal opened, no flash of blue, just the strain of Leo's strength into a limitless nothing.
"There's a wall." Leo reported, eyes closed, speaking past grit teeth from the corner of his mouth.
"Of course there is." Donnie replied, heavy with the weight of it. He hadn't expected this to be easy. He hadn't really expected anything, other than he wasn't going to let Leo suffer alone. His logical brain hadn't shut off for even a second, he'd been completely aware of what he was doing.
"I'm gonna break through the wall like the Kool Aid Man." Leo replied, something hysterical in his voice that ruined the attempt at humour.
"You're going to hurt yourself." Donnie said, tiredly.
"What?" Leo snapped, swinging the sword back down to his side with an audible slice through the air. "You don't want me to try and get home after our family just lost both of us? What the fuck, Donnie?"
"Obviously I want to go home." Donnie kept the annoyance out, staying monotone and staring at the wall instead of the torn-apart way Leo was looking at him. "But I can't imagine it's called a prison dimension because it's easy to leave."
"Then let me keep trying." Leo rearranged his stance, setting his feet apart and holding his sword up with both hands. Donnie knew that he'd have better luck banging his own head against the wall, so he kept his peace, watching Leo try and fail to summon a portal out of the prison dimension. Specifically designed to keep people inside of it.
There was a roar and a thunder of vibrations. Leo froze in place, the markings light dying swift. Something was ravaging the outside of the ship, and there was an open cut into the hallway not far from their position.
Silent and careful, Leo put himself between Donnie and the hallway, crouching and staring with deathly intent eyes.
Sore and exhausted, Donnie did the only thing he could. He shrunk behind his brother and reached out to hold his wrist, if only to give himself a moment's notice if he pounced forward towards their enemy.
Leo was barely breathing. Donnie kept his own shallow, listening to the raging beast push closer then further away from their position. Neither of them relaxed, and flinched when Prime swung around again, tearing a small hole directly above them as he moved past.
Donnie waited for them to be caught. The Kraang moved on, a shake of the whole destroyed ship as he launched off. The ringing silence prevailed, a very distant roar.
Neither of them spoke. Waiting. It was probably at least ten minutes before Leo moved from his position, the only feeling of warmth in Donnie's body where his hand was still clutching his wrist. It felt hauntingly cold when his twin pulled away, straightening up and striding down the hallway to inspect.
Watching Leo walk away from him had his barely-slowed heart started up again. He wasn't so stupid as to actually think that Leo was leaving him right now, however the adrenaline in his system said otherwise.
Leo came back a moment later, face shadowed and horrible, and he said before he even got close, "What was the plan, Donnie? Huh? What was the great fucking plan that you had coming in here?"
"Wow." Donnie replied, sounding the syllable out like he was tasting it, giving Leo an unimpressed look. It must've been safe to talk, if Leo had checked their only exposed exit and saw nothing concerning. "How's the hypocrisy taste, Leon?"
"No, it's not even close to the same." Leo's face twisted, and the desperate anger made him look like a stranger. Leo didn't get pissed off. He would raise an eyebrow, make a bitchy comment, and laugh off whatever was wrong.
"Really? Is that so? Enlighten me. Because I fail to see how your decision is any different than mine." Donnie struggled up, not enjoying arguing while prone, but wincing with pain the moment he tried to leverage an elbow underneath himself.
Immediately Leo flashed with a cocktail of anger and worry and something darker coated like guilt. The sword was sheathed on his back and he said, "Because I was the jailer dragging my prisoner through the door, there was no reason for you to follow! The deed was done. We won."
Donnie crackled a laugh that was cold and not funny in the slightest.
"Stop!" Leo shouted, clawing at his face with both hands.
"Why?" Donnie shook his head. "Being pissed off at me isn't going to put me on the other side of the portal."
"I just don't understand why you, you who never made a decision you didn't extensively plan with a flow-chart, would do something so fucking illogical as this? What does it serve other than making our family lose two brothers instead of one?" Leo ranted, steam practically coming out of his ears, pacing back and forth tightly in the cramped alien hallway.
"Come on, Nardo." Donnie's heart raced harder at Leo's fury directed at him than it had from the actual alien monster trying to actively kill him. "What did you always say? We came into this world together --"
"No!" A nasty snarl broke and Leo slammed his hand against the wall, making the whole place shudder. Everything about his posture screamed danger. He was trembling with it. "Not like this."
"I wasn't going to leave you to die alone." Donnie told him, completely unshaken in his decision, even in the face of Leo's true anger. Mostly because he was pretty annoyed too. "And since you'd decided, quite ridiculously I may add, that you were going to die. Then I was coming too."
Leo turned, shaking hand over his face, and said, a little muffled, "I can't believe you. I can't even think. What the fuck, Donnie? That makes zero sense. Since when do you do things that make zero sense?"
Donnie sighed. Nothing he was going to say would make it better, because in Leo's world the only way this was fine was if he was on this side of portal and Donnie was on the other. Unfortunately for him, that wasn't an option in Donnie's book. Even if it made no sense. Hell, especially if it didn't. All that osmosis from his twin, probably.
An eternity of Leo's shuddering silence. Then he whispered, agonized, "What the hell are we going to do?"
[]
There was a streak of purple in the sky. And Mikey thought -- well, he'd really thought that Donnie was going to swoop in at the last second and the twins were going to prevail and somehow come out on top. There was a reason they weren't allowed to team together in games anymore. The two of them were lethal and showed no mercy, when united they were a force to be reckoned with.
Mikey's heart stuck in his throat and he was so convinced that there was something he was missing -- some secret twin code that said everything was going to work out exactly in their favour, like it always did.
And then the little streak of purple flew directly into the portal. And it closed.
Numbness flooded through his body, head cranked back, staring at where he'd lost his brothers. The aliens were gone and destroyed but this was not a victory. That there was no win that was worth that fact that Donnie had winked out of existence the moment the portal closed. That Leo had dragged a monster set to kill him into a prison and locked the door.
The communicator gave only static. Raph had yelled for Donnie at the last second, when it became clear that Leo having already left the dimension was not going to be a deterrent, but it was too late. The portal was already closing. Both of Mikey's larger than life, untouchable older brothers were gone.
No, Mikey thought as he shook off the numbness and found something trembling and powerful instead, you can't have them. They're mine. They're my big brothers.
And he raised his hands. Clawing at reality, reaching inside himself for that abstract thing called ninpo that Mikey more felt like static electricity, like a snap of citrus gum in his mouth, like nostalgia for something not remembered. Pushing on that well of power, pulling it up and out and yanking at the folds of the universe. He was going to get them back. Even if it took everything he had.
"Mikey..." Raph said, from behind him, voice fucking wrecked. "They're--"
"No!" Mikey shouted over his shoulder. "I'm not giving up on them."
He thought about what it felt like to be carried in his shell under Leo's arm, what it felt like for Donnie to give him that warm-fond smile reserved for his only little brother, how he felt like they could take over the world when he was little and walked with a hand in each of the twins as he swung them over sewer puddles. And he cracked reality with his bare hands.
"Woah." Raph said, awed and scared and running to meet him. "Keep going, Mike!"
As if he needed the encouragement. As if he was going to stop when they needed him. Two huge hands fell on each shoulder, and the sensation of being tucked into bed with his choice of stuffed animal joined his feelings soup that was fuelling his push. His push and push and push. Mikey screamed with the effort, the force of magic peeling his skin and cracking the flesh painfully. Raph squeezed and together they tried to claw back what was theirs.
Reality wavered and pulled but it did not open. It was right on the edge, the precipice, but there was no release. Mikey pushed harder and felt his physical form wash with an unbearable heat. All the blood left his head at once, sending him spiralling and almost unable to stand. He didn't want to give up. The way the world was going dark on the edges said he might not get a choice.
"Mikey." Raph whispered in his ear, pained.
The crack in reality stayed as it was -- just a crack. They did not have the power to rip it open further. Mikey didn't care, he had the strength, it was somewhere. He just needed to -- he needed to --
Efforts redoubled weakened his knees, and Mikey twisted his hands and watched the burn sizzle with the Staten Island air. The crack widened, just a little, then Mikey --
Agony soaked him, a genuine tortured scream as it surprised him with the intensity. All his efforts faltered, because it hurt so much he couldn't concentrate. And Mikey knew that he had the strength inside him to do this, but it would take everything he had. It would kill him.
"Mikey, please." Raph said, tears dripping on his collar, from where he was still holding on, still trying to help, but it was unclear if he was pleading for Mikey to try harder or for Mikey to stop.
It didn't really matter, because the pain was blinding and the too-hot feeling was rushing back and forth urgently, and it wasn't like he meant to collapse.
But caving to the impulse, Mikey released his fierce grip on reality and let the world go grey, secure in the knowledge that Raph would catch him. He had to stop trying because he couldn't die on Raph and he couldn't save the twins if he died now.
His eyes shut and everything disappeared.
Notes:
have a lil present... just the beginning. hehe
this fic also already has art as russ is AMAZING check it out here
Chapter Text
"Wiggle your toes." Leo commanded.
Donnie obliged, wincing as one radiated pain. Leo hummed under his breath, and if it wasn't for the truly horrific vibes of this entire situation, all he'd need his med kit and it'd be like any other routine check up after a mission.
But there was no med kit. There was only a grimy destroyed spaceship floor, a terrible chilled draft, and Leo's sword. Donnie had his battle shell, but it was a ninpo construction he'd thrown on for the last battle. And not even to say how banged up it got from being smashed into the ground by the thick, relentless claws.
A shudder ran down his spine. Leo said, business-like, "Cold?"
"Duh." Donnie said, because it was, even if it wasn't the whole story. He knew how his twin operated, and he knew that waiting for the right moment to save Donnie would've been actual hell. He didn't want to even think about what he'd do if it had been Leo in Prime's claws. There was no way he'd be nearly that strategic in the face of Leo in pain.
It made Leo a great leader but it did not save him from the guilt painted all over him. Donnie wondered if he brought it up, if it would start another fight. Neither of them had the energy for it right now, but he hated to think of letting Leo stew in that terrible emotion.
"It was the right choice." Donnie told him, keeping his voice calm and level even as agony shot up his scapula when Leo straightened his arm slowly.
"Not now." Leo said, through his teeth. Testing the bend of Donnie's elbow, firm fingers guiding the smooth motion.
"I am referring to your decision to fall back and retrieve your sword." Donnie clarified, connecting that Leo probably thought he was trying to fight about the jumping into the portal thing again.
Leo froze, something funny crossing his expression. He said, "I know. It was the only way we'd both get away from him."
"Okay." Donnie coaxed, raising a perfect eyebrow.
"Okay?" Leo repeated, lowering Donnie's arm and turning his head away. His jaw worked tightly, and he didn't say anything else.
"If you'd jumped in to help and got your ass beat too, it wouldn't have helped us." Donnie continued, flexing his fingers and feeling the reverb of aches. Nothing that wouldn't heal.
"I know." Leo repeated, rigid. "D, I said not now."
"It's not your fault I am injur--"
"Except it literally is, dude." Leo whirled around, face white, fists tight at his sides. Spitting angry, the barely concealed lid bursting at the slightest poke. "Because you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you jumping in for no reason."
"I already told you it wasn't for no reason." Donnie steamed quietly. He tried to appear calm when argued with Leo, because the moment he lost his cool, he'd misstep and lose the fight. Plus it always pissed Leo off more if he was furious and Donnie was inspecting his nail beds as if he had somewhere else to be and get the one-up on him.
"It's a stupid reason." Leo enunciated, face twisted into a snarl, trembling with it.
"Well Nardo, I guess you make me fucking stupid." Donnie replied, eyes narrowed, exhaling through his nose.
Leo threw his hands up and stalked away, kicking the wall angrily before circling back. He snapped, "I said not now. Give me your other arm."
Donnie gave his other arm. Leo gave it the exact same treatment as the first, even as his chest heaved with unsteady breath. Then he checked Donnie's neck and head, feeling for cuts or cracks, having to crouch close to reach.
The quiet only surrounded by echoing breathing and a yawning expanse. Despite his fury, Leo's hands were incredibly gentle as they set aside his goggles and untied the purple bandana to feel underneath.
Donnie shut his eyes, complete trust. After a moment, Leo shuddered a terrible final breath, release, and tipped his forehead against Donnie's.
"I'm here, Leon." Donnie whispered, not opening his eyes. "You're just going to have to deal with it."
"Not now." Leo repeated, far more broken. "I'm mad at you."
"Shocked gasp. I had no idea."
"Not now, D." Leo said again, the words wavering in a particularly devastating way that made Donnie want to go kill who hurt his twin. Unfortunate, considering.
Donnie sighed, and blindly reached up to clutch the arm still holding his head in place.
He could feel the fine tremor running through. He let them stay like that for a long, aching moment. There were so many things he could say. Why bother with the check up if you don't even have a med kit to help? What's the point in being angry at me when it won't change a thing? How can you say we won when it was going to mean losing you?
Donnie opened his eyes to find Leo had closed his, twitching muscles on his face like he was trying to cobble together a mask to present and hadn't settled yet. Donnie stared at the person he'd happily let the world burn for.
How could it have ever been called victory if Donnie was on one side and Leo the other. They were a pair, do not separate. How could Leo do that to him? Obviously he hadn't expected to live, to survive, and he knew that their situation was bleak. That there was no emergency exit here. It was a prison. They were locked in a prison, and yeah, perhaps Donnie hadn't really a plan beyond 'if this is where you're going, then I'm following'. He was turtle enough to admit that it was a frantic, blind decision made on sheer anticipatory grief alone. He would not lose him.
And yet, Leo almost took the option out of his hands. That he was going to be without Donnie. Maybe he just didn't expect to have to be alive long enough to deal with it. To feel it. But again, again, how could Leo do that to him?
Leo opened his eyes. And there was painted agony, on every inch of his face, shuddering behind walls that were crumbled and lost. Pupils a pinprick of terror. Leo had never looked more scared. His fearless twin, scared out of his mind.
Donnie could be pissed at him later. It wouldn't change anything right now. Leo leapt. Donnie jumped in after him. Now they had to face the chasm together. An unreachable expanse separating them from everyone and everything they ever loved. But God, couldn't Leo see that at least they were together?
Not judging by the way he shook with emotion, the way his fingers clutched Donnie close, the way he opened his mouth and not a single sound passed his lips.
"Breathe, mellizo." Donnie said, just on the wrong side of a beg.
Leo choked and dropped his head to Donnie's shoulder instead, managing a pathetic little gasp. He said, wispy and thin, "Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"Your turn." Donnie squeezed his arm and pushed Leo back so he could get a good look at him. There was a terrible bruise blooming on the side of his face, swelling his cheek and eye. The moment Donnie set his fingertips against it, Leo flinched away, disentangling so sudden there was a vortex of cold between them.
"D-don't bother." Leo stammered, scratching his opposite arm and pushing further back with his heels. "Nothing you can do anyway."
"Scoff." Donnie said, annoyed already. "You get a peace of mind check but I don't?"
Visible hesitation. Leo cut his gaze back, conflicted. He said, "I'm the medic, I'm telling you it's not that bad."
"Then it shouldn't matter if I check." Donnie had spent decades playing the stubborn game with Leo. They were still trying to determine a winner, even after all this time.
"I'm fine, D. You're the one who--" Leo cut himself off, hugging his arms closer. He didn't continue.
"I'm not going to stop bugging you about it until you let me check." Donnie pointed out, because it wasn't like they had anywhere else to go. He picked up his goggles and bandana, tying it back on, leisurely and waiting.
A shuddered breath. Leo said, visibly making an effort to shake his anger and fear, "Fine, do your pointless check. Just don't poke too hard with your robot fingers."
It was a weak tease. Donnie took the olive branch as intended, following the same path Leo took, using him a template. Toes, legs, plastron, shell, neck, and head. A smattering of smaller aliments, but the contusion on his head was the most worrying.
"How can I tell if you have a concussion?" Donnie asked, none of his usual access to Google and only remembering that people died in their sleep from it.
"I don't have a concussion." Leo said, a little long-suffering amused. "I told you I'm fine."
"Objective metrics, Nardo." Donnie snapped his fingers in front of Leo's face. "Hit me with them."
"Are my pupils the same size?" Leo replied, with a little more of his medic-rote in his tone, like reciting from a textbook.
Donnie leaned close, the lighting pretty terrible. But they were equal. "Yes."
"Did I lose consciousness at any point since the head injury?"
"No." Donnie was pretty sure, they'd only been separated for a few minutes and Leo had used that to rescue Donnie from Prime's claws.
"Get my eyes to follow your finger and make sure I track it." Leo told him.
"Leonardo." Donnie said, in a dramatic voice, as if it'd just occurred to him. "Can you follow my finger?"
"Anything for you, Donatello." Leo replied, chuckling, and obligingly let his gaze track his finger as he moved it back and forth. The motion stayed consistent and correct.
"Next?" Donnie asked.
"Well, make sure memory is working, considering I'm the one talking you through a concussion check, that's fine. My vision isn't blurred, doubled, or light sensitive. I think I'm clear."
"I'm the doctor here." Donnie said, putting his hand to his chest.
"Sorry doc." Leo sketched a bigger grin. The shakiness was falling off his figure like ice off a rooftop. "What's the verdict?"
"I think you're clear." Donnie said.
Leo laughed. It crackled and didn't stick but for a moment there was laughter in hell.
They were both shivering after the adrenaline had run its course. Donnie straightened up and followed Leo's instructions to breathe deeply from the bottom of his lungs to try and avoid any complications with his possibly cracked ribs. It hurt. He did it anyway, until Leo was satisfied.
"Don't breathe too shallow. I can't treat your pneumonia here. I know it hurts. I'm sorry." Leo had his fingers on Donnie's plastron, feeling the bones as he inhaled and checking for any punctures.
"It doesn't hurt that bad." Donnie lied through gritted teeth. A cold sweat was prickling his browline.
"I'm sorry." Leo repeated. "Do you mind if I go check out this ship? Maybe there's something useful in here."
"Mind?" Donnie echoed with disbelief. "Uh, yes, I do mind. I'm coming with you."
"You need to rest." Leo told him.
"I'll be fine. We heal quick."
"Not that quick." Leo growled, pushing him back down when Donnie tried to raise. "Listen, dude. We might not get a chance to rest. You should take it while we have it. What if he comes back?"
It was a shame that the thought immediately dropped his stomach through the floor, piercing him with trepidation and dread. He wished he was stronger than that, but he felt a little like a prey animal at the moment -- like it was only a matter of time before the jaws closed around his neck. "If he comes back, then I want to be with you."
Leo's mouth twisted, and he flickered his eyes down the hall. He sighed, and straightened up, offering his hand. "Up and at 'em, then, sunshine."
Despite his words, the idea of standing sucked. Donnie took Leo's hand and stayed exactly where he was, breathing slow and deep through the agony in his ribs.
Leo watched his face, and offered quietly, "You can still change your mind."
That sounded like a challenge. Donnie got to his feet on spite alone, and judging by Leo's expression he knew it and regretted his words.
But there was nothing he could do about it now -- Donnie was on his feet again, for better or for worse. Leo refused to let go of his hand, and led the way down the hall.
Each footstep feet unstable, the destroyed ship they were hiding in a probably death trap. Donnie's numb brain ran useless calculations of the structural integrity, but there wasn't enough data. Plus everything was hazy and soupy, his brain not firing on all cylinders. Somewhere between being flung off the spaceship into Staten Island and being pounded into the rocks by an alien he'd maybe gotten a little worn out.
Donnie stumbled his footwork, and Leo cast a worried eye back.
"I'm fine." Donnie insisted, automatic, trying to collect his numb feet back under himself. It was like all the warmth had left his extremities. Moving around was helping a little, but it wasn't super graceful.
"Right." Leo replied, drawling his sarcasm, but not hiding the blanketed concern. He squeezed Donnie's hand.
Around the corner was a big hole torn facing the map of stars and floating debris. Donnie felt exposed, skin crawling, and hurried around the corner deeper into the abandoned ship.
It was dark without the starlight outside, and wordlessly Leo began to glow his markings. The soft, comforting light of his brother's ninpo in the dark space.
The place was destroyed. Ravaged by claw marks on the walls, half-torn down doors and old charred remains of anything useful. Donnie struggled behind to keep even Leo's sedated pace, clutching his hand like it was the only thing keeping him standing. It might've been.
They plunged further into the darkness, only the soft glow guiding them through. Hallways with off-shooting rooms of destruction, smashed debris in messy piles. There was another hole torn through the wall of a larger area, likely a loading bay, and they avoided that entirely.
"There must be something useful..." Leo muttered, steadfastly guiding them both through the destruction. His head was swivelling, looking intently for something, anything.
Donnie tripped over his own deadened toes again, and said, "I'd be fine with a room with a door, even if it has nothing useful inside it."
"The problem with that is if he finds us, then he'd be blocking our only exit." Leo replied, managing to get the calm strategy back in his voice.
"Room with two doors, then."
They searched a bit longer and the only room with two exits they found was some kind of cleaning area, with sinks and taps and an exit on either side. It had charred pieces of fabric, maybe something that could've been laundry before the ship was torn apart, and a few upended and broken bins.
"Here." Leo lowered Donnie beside the fabric pile. "See if there's anything worthwhile in that. I'll look around."
"Mhm." Donnie said, totally intending to do that, tipping his head back against the wall as soon as he was sitting again. The strain of his muscles and the ache of jostling fresh wounds that he kept any pained sound clamped down with his tongue between his teeth.
Leo checked the doors. It had some kind of electric lock that was long since fried, but at least it shut and kept them properly enclosed. The plus was no exposure to the outside cold -- they could possibly warm up the space with their own body heat. The downside was no light from the outside, only the flicker of Leo's markings as he moved around turning over bins and checking the dry taps.
Donnie didn't light his own, because his ninpo felt fragile and weak. He remembered that his fucking battle shell was a summoned ninpo construction, and keeping it on was probably draining the shit out of him. Hm.
"If there's taps, maybe there's a water storage somewhere in here." Leo said, twisting the rusty-sounding thing over and over with no results.
"Probably frozen." Donnie pointed out, shivering like it was proving his point.
"Which would make it relatively safe to drink." Leo replied.
"Relatively. It's not sterilization."
"Stop arguing with me, we haven't even found the water source yet."
"I can't stop arguing with you, it's the only way to keep you humble."
Leo snorted, finally coming back to Donnie's side and keeping the light source still so he could actually look at the discarded fabric. It was a heavy burlap-feeling, where it wasn't burnt or shredded. The two of them decided on a nest-like configuration with the scraps.
"Do we wanna cut off the burnt parts?" Leo rubbed the soot on his fingers from the charred piece.
"Using your sword?" Donnie said, a little dry, because it wasn't exactly made for precise cuts.
"Construct scissors?" Leo suggested, miming scissors with his two fingers.
Donnie hesitated. But it was going to be brought up at some point. "Mm. I don't actually have a ton of ninpo at the moment. I kind of... used a lot. During the fight and then to get to the portal. My battle shell is actually..."
Leo looked behind Donnie at the black battle shell resting on his shoulders with a look of dawning horror. "Oh. Shit."
"Yeah." Donnie touched the edge of it, feeling how it wavered. It wasn't permanent. He was in a prison dimension with no stable protection for his shell. He gave up the fight and let it disappear, the weight of sustaining it sinking off. "I don't exactly want to go without, but..."
"Shit." Leo repeated. "Will you be able to summon another once you're rested enough?"
"Yes." Donnie tried to sound confident. He wasn't really sure, though. He wanted Leo to think he was sure, that it was going to be okay.
Resigned to using the singed fabric, they set up a thick layer between them and the floor. Leo sat with his back against the wall, one hand on his sword beside him and the other patted his legs invitingly.
"Are you sure?" Donnie asked, even though it was a struggle to keep his eyes open.
"I've got you." Leo promised.
Donnie didn't doubt that. He curled up on his side, head on Leo's lap, and let him settle more scratchy burnt burlap overtop his shivering figure.
The sink of relief at being horizontal and able to close his eyes was innumerable. The warmth of his brother, finally chasing away some of the bone-deep chill. The silence was mocking, only echoing creaks of a settling ravaged ship as it floated through endless space. But he could also hear Leo's breathing,
No matter what else happened today, Leo was still breathing.
It should've been impossible to sleep considering the circumstances. Donnie had never fallen asleep faster in his life.
The sense of danger seeped into his dreams. A nonsense nightmare with no point other than to seep every inch of him with the feeling that there was danger, he was unsafe, there was danger, danger, danger--
Donnie inhaled, wincing at the pain it brought, feeling that hangover of fear, that wild burst that he needed to be on guard, he needed to do something, he wasn't safe --
"Relax, D." Leo's voice assured him, coming from all sides. He was being leaned over, a hand flat in the middle of his soft shell. "Don't breathe so shallow, I told you."
Never mind. He was safe as houses. The tension leaked from his shoulders and Donnie turned to hug his pillow.
A shocked pause, then a damp laugh. Leo said, "Sleepytello coming in for the cuddles, hey?"
"Everythin' okay?" Donnie muttered, disorientated.
"Oh yeah." Leo scoffed, voice not quite put together, not quite perfect. "We're doing fantastic, D. You keep sleeping."
Thoughts swum in circles, not quite with the program. He opened his eyes, clutching Leo close, trying to figure it out. At the tighter squeeze, Leo curled closer and whispered, "Stop thinking, Tello."
It was Donnie's turn to scoff, blearily. Where were they? It was dark. He was so tired it was thick molasses all around him, slowing the pull of his muscles. And his ribs wheezed with every breath, an agony waiting for each pull of his intercostal muscles. He didn't want to breathe deeper, but Leo asked him to. He breathed deeper and swallowed the noise of pain gathered at the back of his throat.
Something... it wasn't safe, but it was safe because Leo was watching over him. But if Leo was watching over him, then he wasn't asleep either. "Mmm... my turn?"
"Your turn for what, hermano?" Leo said, just a little amused.
"Watch." Because they were somewhere bad. They were in danger. It was dark. It was quiet. Donnie's tired heart stumbled over itself as he remembered through the haze of deep sleep what had happened.
"Shh." Leo stroked his thumb on Donnie's shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine. You need more rest. You probably can't even tell me the square root of a thousand right now."
"To how many decimals?" Donnie slurred.
"Alright, alright, no need to prove it, I won't know if you're right anyway." Leo gave a short little laugh, leaning somehow closer. "Seriously, D, just close your eyes again."
Donnie tightened his grip, pushing his forehead into the closest part of his brother he couldn't even see. "But you're okay?"
"I'm okay!" Leo whispered in a sing-song.
Well, fine. Donnie shut his eyes again, not loosening the death grip he had wrapped around his twin. Just so he couldn't run off and do anything stupid while Donnie was asleep. That was all.
More sleep. More haze. It felt like flipping head over heels, no sense of where his body was in space. Dunk underwater repeatedly, no idea which way was up. Donnie stayed in that stasis for a while, like he was being tumble dried, and woke when his pillow shifted.
"Mm." Donnie vocalized, annoyed, squeezing him tighter. The familiar shape of his twin, stilling when Donnie moved. When he didn't do anything else, Donnie turned up to squint and look at him, but it was too dark to see.
"What's..." Donnie got with the program much quicker this time. Right. Prison dimension. Camped out in a ransacked laundry room sleeping in a nest of alien burlap. Awesome.
"Sorry, you can keep sleeping." Leo whispered.
No, no, no. He'd slept enough, thanks. How long had it been? How long had Leo been watching? Before he could change his mind, Donnie pushed himself up off his pillow and rubbed his eye with an only slightly shaking hand. A sing of pain from his ribs, but his ninpo was feeling a lot better. Rest was rest, even if his dreams were fraught.
"Urgh." Donnie said, just to voice it, and gently let his ninpo light his purple marks. It cut sharp relief into the darkness, hitting the planes of Leo's face to show a twisted expression that was swiftly tucked away.
"Hi sleepyhead." Leo teased, still that almost normal. Nearly. But Donnie knew better.
"Shut up." Donnie replied, because he was too tired to listen to him lie right now. "I'd ask what time it is, but..."
"It's been a little while." Leo said, easy. "Can I interest you in breakfast? I was thinking of absorbing the moisture from the air."
"Oh, or we could set up outside next to that star and spontaneously learn photosynthesis." Donnie replied, stretching his sore muscles and not able to contain the agonized hiss when it twinged his ribs.
"Careful." Leo's joking tone vanished. "Can I check?"
"Not much to check." Donnie said, but lifted his arms so Leo could prod at his plastron again. He pressed palms over his lungs and had Donnie inhale slow and deep, feeling and listening for anything rattling or crackling.
"Not too bad." Leo allowed, pulling away and lighting his own stripes so the room wasn't just the ominous deep purple. Together midnight colours splashed over the walls. "You should probably rest more, though. It'll help."
"Excuse you." Donnie put his eyebrows to work, giving his most incredulous expression. "It's your turn to sleep."
"Nah." Leo waved a dismissive hand. "I slept while you did. I'm good."
Donnie kept staring at him, disbelief radiating off him. There was no way he'd so casually go to sleep while on watch. Did he think Donnie was stupid?
"And the square root of two is a rational number." Donnie said, thickly sarcastic, amazed that Leo would ever try something so obviously wrong.
"You know me, baby." Leo gave a showman wink. "I'm all about the irrationality."
"I will put you in a sleeper hold." Donnie threatened.
Which was just about as effective as when his twin had hit an insomniac period, to say: not at all. Leo sparkled a laugh and got to his feet. "Come on, D. I could kill for a cup of coffee. Let's see what we can scrounge up."
Donnie thought about arguing, about digging his heels in and truly holding Leo down until he slept. His brother had to be still be battered and exhausted from the day before. But at least being still was rest, and he'd stayed immobile the whole time Donnie had been asleep. It might be the best he could ask for in the moment, with the restless energy running up and down his twin, manifesting in fidgeting fingers and the twitch of his jaw.
No amount of talk ever got Leo to sleep in the past, it sure as hell wasn't going to work now. Donnie just needed to be close enough to catch him when he fell. So he got up too, blindly reaching out for the hand that was already there to help him up. The nest of burlap fell around him, a soiled and sooty smell that clung to his skin even as he moved away.
"What's the plan?" Donnie asked, because Leo had just been left alone with his own thoughts for hours. There was no way he hadn't thought of and discarded at least a hundred plans in that time, likely in between all the cursing Donnie's name for leaping after him in the first place.
"Taps means water." Leo said, full confidence, keeping his grip on Donnie's hand and skating the other on the wall as they moved to the door. His sword was strapped to his back and his soft glowing stripes reminded Donnie of a jellyfish or a cloud of fireflies.
"We searched yesterday and didn't find any water supply." Donnie said, but then immediately began problem solving his own words. "But it probably wouldn't be on the main decks. Depending on the type of ship, it likely relies on some kind of recycling water system for deep space travel. Taps mean water pressure and water pressure means there's a tank. Probably underneath the hull, out of the way. It would affect the weight and balance of the ship, they wouldn't want it near the extremities."
"Wish we could tell which way was up this mess." Leo muttered, but continued on. They followed the line they'd blazed the day before, avoiding the torn holes in the exterior and searching for any kind of access to underneath the hull.
"We've got no idea what's under this rubble." Leo sighed, kicking yet another pile that could be blocking a hatch. "There's got to be a better way down."
Donnie immediately thought of a better way and snorted.
"What?" Leo turned and gave his twin one of his shy smiles.
It lifted Donnie's heart to see it here. He drew Leo's own sword off his back and bonked him gently in the head with the hilt.
"Ah." Leo suffocated on a snicker. "Right. If only we had some way to go through the floor. Duh."
"You'd probably have more than half a brain right now if you'd actually let yourself sleep." Donnie couldn't resist the barb, raising his eyebrow.
Leo took the sword, peeling Donnie's fingers off it. "I told you, I slept like a baby all night long, you don't gotta worry about me."
"Why would you tell me such outrageous lies, right to my face?" Donnie complained.
A dramatic offended gasp, Leo taking back his other hand to press to his chest, as he backed up to approach the piping leading down into the floor from something that had maybe once been a cooking area. "Are you suggesting that me, Hamato Leonardo, would tell a lie? To my own twin brother whom I cherish and adore?"
Donnie crossed his arms over his chest without Leo's hand, hamming up the eyebrows because he was incapable of not playing along with the bit, even when he had his own point to win. "Seems a pretty stupid idea, I agree, since we both know there's no way you'd take a nap while on watch. So why you'd even suggest it really speaks to the level of your exhausted delusion."
"Ah, but even delusions can be true if you believe them hard enough." Leo replied, full of that loud fake confidence as he tugged on the pipes and watched them rattle.
"Actually, I think that's called gaslighting."
"Well. You can be girlboss, then."
"Who's gatekeep? Wait, never mind, I'm still annoyed at you." Donnie stomped over to see what Leo was looking at. The pipes definitely were leading somewhere underneath them.
"When aren't you?" Leo replied with an eye-roll, but it did not hide the fondness. It made Donnie more annoyed.
"Open the portal, dumbass." Donnie told him, aware that Leo had yet again talked himself out of trouble just by going in circles long enough. Stupid that it always worked.
"You got it, jefe." Leo traced a circle with his sword and opened up a yawning mouth lined with flickering blue. Underneath them was a collision of pipes and metal rafters, but beyond there was a riveted flooring.
"Further down." Donnie urged, and Leo bump it to open upside-down into the cramped room underneath. Donnie had a single moment to wonder if he was claustrophobic before jumping inside, stepping away into the tight space to give Leo room to emerge after him.
"Woo." Leo said, and the place smelt dusty and like ancient crusty soot. The roof was brushing their heads. The pipes were slamming in criss-cross lines, all converging on one point.
"Big money, big money, big money." Leo muttered, plucking his way over the obstacles to get close enough to light up the room better. He raised an arm like a flashlight to inspect the thing in front of them, using his stripes.
"Hm." Donnie said, cranking his gaze up. The pipes were disconnected at the top, burst. "I do think it froze."
"That means there's water inside." Leo said.
"Frozen water. Which is called ice, Nardo. How do you expect us to drink it?"
"Dunno. But it's better than an endless void, don't you think?" Leo said, and his voice went a little tight at the end.
Donnie sighed. They were genetically modified supersoldiers but they'd only last so long without water. It was a reasonable first concern. Donnie just wasn't sure how they'd melt it.
"Our bodies don't generate enough heat. The amount of energy it would take to melt the ice would either negate the benefits of the water or throw us into brumation." Donnie said, thinking out loud.
Leo's shoulders sagged a bit. His tone was getting more and more forced. "We could make a fire."
"And how do we avoid the smoke signalling our location? I don't know if you remember but we're currently in the world's worst game of hide and seek."
"I remember." Leo's jaw ticked and he looked away. "Come on, D. You're a scientist. Can you just vibrate the molecules enough or something?"
Donnie opened his mouth to tell him how wrong he was then realized he was right. It transformed into a scowl.
"You've got it. Come on. Hit me with it." Leo crowed, pleased.
"Joule heating." Donnie said, thinking through what he'd need as he considered it. "We'd need something metal, preferably a pot, but anything that can hold the ice as we melt it. I can use my ninpo to generate a low radio frequency alternating electric current and pass it through a constructed conductor, which will produce heat."
Leo had a big grin and slapped Donnie's shoulder. "Whatever you say dude. I'm just so glad you're here."
The words seemed to fill the entire space, ringing back and forth, and Leo's eyes rounded huge and guilty.
Donnie could've said a lot of things to that. Like, yeah you idiot that's why I came or I'd be here even if you didn't need me or I'm glad I'm here too even if it's just to hold your hand when you die.
Instead, he said, "Get your sword out, Leon. It's time to start chopping some ice."
Notes:
thanks again to all my lovely commenters aaa!!
rem
Chapter Text
It didn't take Leo very long to peel open the tank like a grape with his sword and cut a couple bricks of ice. Donnie carefully picked through the narrow space to see if he could determine the actual exit and found a crushed section that was once the access door. He didn't like that. He didn't like that their only water source was accessible only via portal if something happened. Mikey would've poked his cheek and told him not to be a pessimist for that, but Donnie would argue he was a realist.
And it was funny, because for a moment everything felt very distinctly not real. Mikey wasn't there. Mikey was so fucking far away from him right now, and Donnie might never see him again. A vice grip of panic surrounded his trachea, stealing his breath from already pained lungs. He was staring at a pile of rubble on a broken spaceship floating through a place that was definitely not named the Vacation Dimension. He was scavenging ice for water so he and his twin could survive. Because they might not survive.
He knew that. But this was the first moment he actually felt it.
A horrible lurch, pulsing through every cell in his body, the physical feeling of dread and fear. The floor dropping out from underneath his feet. Every molecule of dust floating past his eyes felt twenty times larger than life, hyper-realistic, heart thudding and rattling around his already bruised ribcage.
This was actually happening. He was actually here, in this place.
Donnie turned, slow, to look at his twin brother. Leo was glowing soft -- like the streetlights over a graveyard, like the candles on an altar -- as he shook out his fingers to grip his sword and chop another chunk of ice off the block. The flutter of blue mask tails, and the way his eyes flickered to Donnie and automatically offered a reassuring smile.
It was hard enough to realize the severity of his situation. Harder to recognize that meant it was Leo's too.
"What are you thinking?" Leo approached at his left and Donnie jumped a mile, like he'd missed a step.
"Nothing." Donnie replied automatically, practically suffocated by the twine around his windpipe.
Leo leaned into his line of sight, the pinnacle of doubt.
Donnie inhaled and immediately winced, forgetting about his stupid ribs. He said, weaker, "Nothing."
"You're staring at a pile of rubble and breathing like you're running a marathon." Leo pointed out, the bastard. "Which means your brain went about a mile ahead of you. Tell me where it's gone and I'll drag it back."
Donnie was going to repeat himself but Leo reached out and covered his mouth before he could speak, "D, if you say 'nothing' again, I'm gonna hurt you. You're obviously freaking out. Can we at least sit down?"
There was a worried crease in Leo's brow that Donnie really wanted to go away. He also did not want to sit down here, because maybe he was feeling a level of claustrophobia that he hadn't identified until his whole body reaction was not here not here. Something about staring at the collapsed exit knowing he was in a small, cramped space while stuck in a hellish dimension --
"Can we get out of here first?" Donnie vocalized, aware that no amount of beating everyone when they teamed up in charades made Leo was actually capable of reading his mind. He had to use his words. Or whatever communication aides he had.
"Shit, yeah, come on." Leo tucked his arm around Donnie and summoned a portal without a moment's pause.
"What about the ice?" Donnie asked, weaker.
"I'll go back for it." Leo dismissed, not even a moment of thought on the matter, already urging Donnie into the enticing blue circle he'd created.
Donnie wanted to leave, so he let his twin bring him through, and they skipped over the whole middle of the ship to emerge right back in their little room. Dark but blossoming with the cross-cuts of blue and purple as they entered.
Something about how Donnie's throat felt about ten times smaller, and the flicker as his purple lights faded, standing next to their stupid little nest. As if there were any comforts to have in this cold, dark and empty place. As if they weren't so fucked.
Donnie knew that. He knew that. He'd known that while drained and hurt yesterday. It was just... something too real about it right now. Too overwhelming.
"Can we sit now?" Leo said, that coaxing charming concerned -- holding Donnie's elbow with fingers still hauntingly cold from the ice. He spoke with a kind of imploring that said it was going to happen even if he'd force the issue. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been wrestled to the ground by his twin 'for his own good'.
When Donnie sat, Leo crouched in front of him and scanned up and down like he was trying to diagnose the issue. Donnie thought instead about how effortlessly they both used 'we' statements whenever they wanted the other to do something -- it really shouldn't have been a surprise to Leo that Donnie had jumped in the portal after him, because they'd been speaking this language of 'if you, then me' for their whole lives. We. Our. Twins, a matching set, a pair, Do Not Separate.
“Hey,” Leo began, that incredibly gentle sweet that was like an echo of their dad when they were sick, a soft hand on their forehead. It maybe would’ve been comforting if it wasn’t for what happened next.
The whole ship rocked with a sudden collision. Leo’s eyes went huge and he extinguished the blue glow like clapping a firefly between two palms. Sudden darkness and a shift of dust as gravity swung back and forth like a pendulum.
Donnie reached out in the dark to find Leo reaching back, clasping forearms tight. Leo leaned even closer and whispered urgently in his ear, “Shell!”
Oh shit, right. Donnie had dismissed his battle shell the day before and hadn’t summoned it back yet, his injured ribs enjoying the freedom. No time for that, a whisper of hexagonal purple solidifying overtop his still sensitive shell. That whole 'taking over the Technodrome' thing was still pretty fresh.
Another rocking plagued the ship. Far away, muffled through about six layers, and an unmistakable angry roar.
The sound of it had Leo clutching Donnie’s arms tighter, breath shallow in his ear. Meanwhile Donnie hadn’t actually managed to shake his surprise panic attack and this moment was sort of actively making it worse. Unfortunate.
A whine broke past his defences, just barely a sound at the back of his throat, pure racing fear. He didn't want this to be happening.
"Shh." Leo's return was barely a decibel above audible. It was less like shushing the loud person in the library and more soothing the wounded animal. He squeezed where he was gripping Donnie's forearms like he might disappear.
A thunderous crash. Donnie flinched hard, mind racing. He wasn't sure what was going to happen and it drove him wild. His breathing picked up, shallow and scared, and that whine turned into a whimper at the hot spikes of pain from his injured ribs.
The sound of it had Leo moving. A soft shift of sliding metal then the room was filled with blue as a portal opened beside them.
Donnie didn't take a moment to question his brother's decision, he followed where he was led. They stepped out of their hideout into the open space again, immediately squinting into the brightness after over a day bathed in the dark. But the fear did not abate, because they hadn't gone far. Merely back to where they'd started, the craters of their landing on the surface of debris they stood on.
The portal closed, but Leo was already summoning another, scouting the distance, looking over his shoulder, above their head at the ship.
Donnie didn't want to risk anything and signed with his free hand, pivoting a raised finger in front of him back and forth, desperate. Where?
Leo response was quick, a flat palm flicked outwards from his chest. Away.
It wasn't a great answer. Donnie didn't let go of his hand. He followed him into the next portal, then the next, and the next -- all of it blurring, the stars going streaked pin-pricks, dizzying.
"Stop." Donnie said, after the fifth jump.
"Alright?" Leo asked, lowering his sword, cancelling the portal he'd made.
Donnie shook his head, getting to his knees and hunching over his stomach, fighting the urge to vomit. He didn't have anything in his stomach and he wasn't eager to spit out bile right now. But it was flip-flopping all anxious and disorientated. He was still panicking. It was a cold sweat broken out all over.
Leo tapped a gentle hand on Donnie's arm, waited a moment for any denial, then folded his palm over the chilled skin. He was crouched beside him, sword still out, not looking at Donnie but instead the wreckage filled skyline. There was a tremor in his fingertips. Donnie didn't know if it was from watching his twin panic or from overexerting himself portalling too many times in a row.
"You better not have abandoned our only water source because I was freaking out." Donnie said to the rock before him. There was a growing unignorable thirst that hated the thought of losing that.
"That wasn't my thought process at all, actually." Leo's eyes flickering in circles all around them, not stilling for a moment. They were so exposed out here. All yawning stars and space.
"Explain then." Donnie requested, gulping down air. Not throwing up. Leo holding onto him. Fuck his ribs hurt. He curled an arm around them, like it might help.
"Gotta breathe slower, dude." Leo told him.
Donnie knew that. He hissed back, annoyed, "I will boil your teeth Nardo, I swear to fuck."
Something about that choked a laugh. Leo squeezed. Donnie finally shuddered through a slower breath, the agony racing through him. The panic was still there, knocking on his door loudly and persistently.
"My thought process," Leo began, louder and with more purpose. That constant attentive watch, head swivelling all around them. Large halls and leagues of echoing nothing, stars and debris. "Was that I'd rather abandon it before he discovered we were there, because that means we could go back. If he caught us hiding there we could never return and yeah, lose our only water source."
"Yeah, but what do we do now?" Donnie said, hating how weak his voice frayed at the end. This was all too much really.
"Can you keep going? I can only do line of sight so I really don't feel like we got far enough away." Leo asked.
"Are we going to hide again?" Donnie asked, because his skin was crawling out here.
"I really want to avoid ducking into a Kraang ship if we can, and that's all I can see right now."
Donnie looked up and found that other than hunks of rock and pink slime, there was little else. It made him shiver. Nothing useful out here. They were going to die. Leo was going to die.
"I can keep going." Donnie said, hearing how unconvincing his voice was even to his own ears. Leo wavered, but the paranoia must've won because he didn't argue. He got Donnie back to his feet and opened another portal. The transition was slower, taking a moment to scout, but they kept jumping.
"You're going to deplete yourself." Donnie said after about a dozen, feeling the shake increase in Leo's grip.
"I want to put as much distance between him and us." Leo replied, grit teeth. "If drains me, so be it."
"He's faster than us." Donnie said quietly. Resigned. "We're never going to outrun him."
"Only if he's chasing us." Leo agreed, grim with him, that determined spark living in his eye. It was good to see. "But he doesn't know where we are and we know where he is, currently. So I'm putting as much space between us so we can relax."
That was a hilarious concept. And not one Donnie believed for a second. "Are you going to sleep this time, then?"
"Of course." Leo said, because he was fundamentally a liar and Donnie knew his neurosis and bullshit well enough not to believe him for a second.
It was three more jumps before Leo collapsed to his knees, sword clattering out of his hands. Donnie had been expecting it and caught him, muttering curses under his breath about stupid twins.
"I can keep going." Leo said, voice shaking along with the uncontrollable tremors throughout his body.
"You're actually the dumbest person I've ever met." Donnie said, scathing. "What happened to replenishing your ninpo to attempt a portal home again? Instead you haven't rested at all and overused your ninpo. What's the plan here?"
"The plan is to get you as far away from him as possible." Leo snapped back, always quicker to turn irritable when he was exhausted. And hungry and thirsty and -- urgh.
"Then we've reached the 'as possible' part of your plan." Donnie said. "Unless you'd like me to pick you up and carry you."
"Not with your ribs." Leo replied, sharp-quick, as if Donnie was moments away from hoisting him up onto his back.
"Fabulous. So then you agree that it is now time to rest." Donnie turned to inspect where they'd landed. It wasn't too bad, actually. It appeared to be a chunk of landmass, no vegetation but a dip into a cave system about a hundred meters away. "There."
"Is it safe?" Leo said, struggling to his feet, trying not to lean on Donnie who refused to let go of him despite the drag on his ribs from his weight.
"Is it safe?" Donnie repeated, mocking. "You're right, let me just check the reviews."
"I literally hate you." Leo said.
"I would happily remove your knees with an ice cream scoop."
"Damn, you've got ice cream? You're holding out on me." Leo made it to the mouth of the cave and collapsed unceremoniously inside.
"Move further in, idiot." Donnie poked him with a toe, glancing back. It was barely wide enough to stand. "Do you wanna get seen?"
"One exit only." Leo said, voice wavering.
"Beggars can't be choosers." Donnie physically pushed Leo further in, glancing over his shoulder.
"I hate being a beggar." Leo said, that fracture of tone widening.
"I know." Donnie replied, instead of some smartass thing. He did know. He pushed until they made it out of sight before allowing them to settle down. He put Leo's sword beside them, and kept his battle shell on. The mouth of the cave was impossible to close, so he felt very exposed.
It was funny, because being in the small space underneath the ship gave him a claustrophobic crawl on his skin, but being out here in the open space had the same sensation. He wondered what it meant to be both claustrophobic and agoraphobic before realizing it was more that he was terrified of the Prison Dimension. He was scared of the situation they were in. He was scared that Leo was going to die and he had no way to guarantee their survival. They just had to keep going.
"Are you still panicking?" Leo asked, and he sounded a little far away.
"Me? I never panic." Donnie put a hand to his chest. "I am always as cool as a cucumber."
"I literally hate you." Leo sighed again. "Can you sit on the other side?"
"No." Donnie replied. He was sitting closer to the entrance specifically so that he was the one between Leo and danger while he slept.
Leo shifted uncomfortably. He was trembling from head to toe. He said, weakly, "Please?"
"No." Donnie repeated. "You're sleeping. I'm on watch."
"I'm too strung up to sleep. I'll take first watch."
"You make me so angry. I just slept. You haven't slept since we got here. You're literally falling apart from exhaustion. This isn't insomnia, this is you actively denying what your body needs."
Leo turned and hid his face in Donnie's side. "Fine. I'll sleep."
"I don't believe you for a second."
"You're getting what you want." Leo said, angry. "So shut up."
Donnie's chest popped in hot frustration, because his brother was not going to sleep. He was going to pretend to sleep for long enough then switch. He'd played enough chess with him to recognize his strategy -- it was a calculated give-up that didn't give up anything at all.
Fine. Donnie would just have to make it hard for him to win this stupid battle they were having. The two most stubborn motherfuckers alive locked in a prison together. He said, "Lay down, then."
A moment of hesitation, then Leo shifted. Legs to the side and pillowing an arm on Donnie's lap. It was cold and dim in the hang of cave rock. Not exactly ideal for the insomniac who required absolutely perfect conditions of warmth and darkness and comforts to sleep.
But Leo must've been holding onto consciousness with his fingernails, with everything they'd gone through in the last couple days. Donnie just needed to push him over the edge. Plus, absolutely nothing was more grounding and distracting from his own panic than taking care of his twin. He tried to settle so he wouldn't squirm in his responsibility as a pillow, and rested his hand on the back of Leo's neck.
His brother shivered and wormed closer. Taking that as permission, Donnie rubbed his neck soothingly, a little secret trick he knew that made Leo relax. The shake reverberating through him was breaking Donnie's heart a little.
"So you know the Richter scale, right?" Donnie said, quietly.
"Yeah?" Leo said, blank, voice echoing off the cave walls in weird patterns from where he was curled up head on Donnie's legs.
"It was invented by this guy, Charles Richter -- actually, two guys. Beno Gutenberg was the other, but he didn't want to be named. Richter was a scientist, chose the term 'magnitude' because of his previous interest in astronomy -- always a thing with science fields, the cross-borrowing of terms. It's called polysemy -- the words might have different definitions depending on the field."
"What does this have to do with the Richter scale?" Leo asked, voice slurred and tired.
Donnie nodded. "Right, I was going to tell you that the inventor of the Richter scale was an avid nudist."
"Oh my God." Leo mumbled, bubbling with sleepy laughter, turning to muffle it into his elbow.
Donnie kept talking, because it didn't matter what he said, just as long as his voice was filling the cave. "But hey, since you're my captive audience. The Earth has four layers, the inner core, the outer core, the mantle, and the crust. In the lithosphere, which is...."
He explained the concept of tectonic plates, of fault lines, of seismic waves, the determination of an epicenter, and the displacement of seabed causing tsunamis. It was easy to describe something that was so far away from anything they needed to be worried about in this moment, and the info-dump successfully pulled Donnie from his own panicking head, and even better -- successfully lulled his twin brother to sleep.
Leo was a master actor, even in something like pretending to sleep. However Donnie could tell, because Donnie could always tell, especially if he was holding Leo. It was just something about how Leo would hide his face, then relax, all the tension falling from his mouth. When he pretended to sleep he laid perfectly still, but Actually Asleep Leo would tug Donnie closer, would snuffle a little and sometimes even grind his teeth. It was a terrible sound, but Donnie at least knew he wasn't faking.
The one-sided conversation stopped once he was sure. Then Donnie found out that while he would never in a million years wake his brother now that he was asleep, he was left to suffer with the agony of being alone.
He wasn't alone. Leo was right there. He could wake him up. But Donnie's mind caught up to him again, pulling out the club it was gleefully beating him with, and reminded him that they were going to die.
The same anticipatory grief that drove Donnie to leap into the portal had him carefully curling closer to his twin, so unspeakably terrified that he was going to lose him, that they were going to be pulled apart -- that Leo would fall asleep in here and never wake up.
Donnie wanted to believe that it would be okay, that the two of them could do anything they put their minds to. But that was just the problem: he was scared that Leo was going to be a stupid fucking idiot and try to put Donnie before himself. That he wouldn't be trying just as hard to get out as him. And Donnie didn't know how to stop him, because no matter how hard he felt like he was out-maneuvering Leo, there was always something he'd missed. The consistent reason that he'd always lost to him in chess -- Leo was thinking two moves further than him at all times.
Far away, there was a crack and shift and tumble of rock. Donnie froze, every muscle tense, listening as intently as he could for further noise. The problem became the silence reverberating of the endless space was not louder than Donnie's own heartbeat slamming repeatedly against his sore ribs.
It wasn't even being found -- it was that Leo had been asleep for maybe an hour, and if he woke up now there was no chance Donnie was going to get him to stand still long enough to fall asleep again. Donnie cursed in his head, repeated, almost desperate. He curled closer to Leo, as if it might protect them, as if it might hide them better than crawling into a stupid little cave. He was careful not to make any sounds of distress -- not only because he didn't want to be caught, but because he wouldn't put it past Leo to wake at even the slightest noise from Donnie's throat.
Slower breathing. Nothing happened. Alone, with the sleep-warm skin of Leo against him, the shiver still running up his limbs at the freezing atmosphere. It was only a mystical level of exhaustion that could have him sleeping in these conditions. Breath fluttering out, a little scrunch between his brow. Bad dreams.
Donnie hadn't moved his hand off his neck, so he resumed the gentle soothe, half an ear out listening. No other sound. It must've just been the rock settling.
Or it was the Kraang, waiting for Donnie to drop his guard to strike. The paranoia crawled, but he tried hard to be rational. Prime was a show-boat, he wanted to be seen and heard. If he was here, there would be so much more angry yelling.
Maybe it was something else?
Donnie felt exposed multiplied by a thousand at the thought, skin erupting in fire ants, glancing with round eyes at the entrance to their hide out. There were more Kraang, wasn't there? It wasn't just Prime.
The daunting unknown remained shadowed. Nothing jumped out from the darkness and attacked. It was just Donnie and his thoughts, sprinting in circles around him, anxious and strung up and scared. He wanted Leo to sleep. He wanted Leo to wake up and make it so he wasn't alone.
Leo shifted with a throaty sigh, leaning into Donnie's touch. Heavy weight on his lap. So fucking vulnerable and Donnie was responsible for watching out for him and it was terrifying. What if the danger was there and he didn't notice? What if something crawled in the cave during a moment of inattention and was waiting to strike?
Donnie stayed tense, but nothing happened. Still alone. Still cold, shivering himself even with Leo close. No burlap nest to protect them and the cave barely cut the cold. Leo rolled again, the horrid noise of the scraping enamel as his brother ground his teeth together in his sleep. It ran a sensory nightmare like shooting an arrow directly up his spine, and nothing to distract from the terrible sound. There was no way he was about to wake Leo up to make him stop.
Every single time Donnie heard the grinding before, how painfully loud the drag was like a stone pestle, he couldn't believe it didn't hurt like hell. Leo claimed he didn't even know he did it. Or maybe it did hurt and Leo just didn't tell him. Impossible to say, at this point. Impossible to say, at most points.
He remembered he was supposed to not breathe shallow and spent a while doing practiced breaths from the bottom of his lungs, biting back the pain it invoked. Fucking shit, how did Leo lay awake the whole night with only his thoughts? This was the real torture. This was hell.
Leo stopped grinding his teeth eventually and shifted to the left. There was something tucked into his belt.
Donnie stared, vaguely recognizing it as a worn photograph. Careful not to move too fast, he reached forward and tugged it free. It unfurled on the side with a drawing of that stupid key, barely visible in the dim light. Then Donnie turned it over.
As if he'd been punched hard in the middle of his chest. His family looked up at him, smiling. One of Raph's hands was on photograph-Donnie's shoulder and for a second, it was as if he could feel the weight of it.
Left alone only with the consequences of his actions, Donnie remembered what Leo had screamed at him the day before. That he'd made it so their family had lost two brothers instead of one. And while he couldn't bring himself to regret coming here -- the thought of what would've happened if Donnie hadn't come was too awful to bear -- he did at least have a yawning expanse of ... some emotion. Swallowing him up whole, when he thought about leaving his family behind.
Ah. Donnie thought, having to quickly move the photograph to avoid the flood of tears beginning to fall. Sad. That emotion is sad.
Dehydration was going to be a serious issue and there wasn't the water to waste crying over his own decisions. Ones that he wouldn't take back, even given the chance, even knowing what it was going to cost him. As much as it sucked, Raph and Mikey still had each other, and April, and Dad.
Donnie didn't want to give them up. In any other situation he would have to be pried away from his family with a crowbar. But this wasn't any other situation, because there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Leo. Including this. What was that meme? I'd follow him to hell, I just wish he'd stop going there.
Sigh. He didn't have the tears to spare. But he couldn't make them stop.
Notes:
:D
Chapter Text
It hadn't been nearly long enough when Leo woke. Four, maybe five hours. Until he tensed in Donnie's grip, going completely still -- not even breathing.
Donnie's hand had remained folded over the back of his neck, just close enough to his throat that he could feel the way his pulse began to pick up, racing out of sleep at top speed.
"Stop freaking out." Donnie whispered.
Leo finally inhaled. He slurred, half-asleep, "I'm not freaking out."
"Go back to sleep." Donnie said, knowing it was a pretty big ask.
"Mmm." Leo went boneless again, turning to nuzzle into Donnie's palm, eyes shut. His breath came in perfect, even pants. His pulse under Donnie's fingertips tripped over itself, hasty and fast. He was faking.
Donnie let him, stroking the back of his neck with his thumb, aware the same trick wouldn't work twice. He was just kind of hoping maybe the mystic exhaustion might drag his twin back under, if only Donnie kept him prone with his eyes closed long enough.
Leo pretended to be asleep for a while. Donnie held him, the experience much different than earlier -- as painful as it was to think Leo wasn't getting enough rest, he absorbed the silent presence of his twin greedily. He wasn't alone. Leo was right there, breathing in a predictable cycle. He didn't call him out on the lie. He relished in it, guilty.
He kept hoping that maybe Leo's rabbit pulse would settle down underneath his fingers, but it didn't. It was such a contrast to the faked peaceful face below him, the creases gone and certainly no horrific teeth grinding.
Donnie would've maybe been content to stay in this fiction, if it weren't for the fact that Leo was obviously working himself up underneath the guise of faked sleep. Getting Leo to 'rouse' was as simple as beginning to shift minutely, as if he were just a little bit uncomfortable and stiff, then Leo 'woke up' and opened his eyes, lashes sticky with sleep.
"How's your ribs?" Leo asked, voice a rasp.
Donnie had been gifted nothing but time to think of every agonized inhale. The shitty part about a rib injury was that there was no way to avoid the pain -- every breath was fire and he needed to breathe. The instinct to breathe low and painless was overridden by Leo's chiding voice replaying in his mind of shallow breathing causing pneumonia.
The last thing Donnie wanted right now was to be more of a problem for Leo to deal with. He'd breathed deep and endured. He said, out loud, "Managing."
"Any fluid?"
Donnie shook his head. Leo shifted up and away, leaving a haunting cold where he'd managed to get a little bit of heat on Donnie's legs. He rubbed both eyes, still looking exhausted.
"How's your ninpo?" Donnie turned the questioning around on him, knowing that his brother had made more portals in the last forty-eight hours than he had in the last forty-eight days.
The grimace on Leo's face spoke multitudes. "It's... a work in progress."
"You should rest more, to get it back up." Donnie advised, with absolutely zero hope he would listen. However, "I thought you wanted to try to portal home again."
Leo hesitated, hand on his sword, and he slowly picked it up to inspect his face in the flash of the blade in low light. "I do. It just felt... locked. And I'm concerned if I try too hard and use all my power, then I wouldn't be able to portal us away if we need."
A cold denial rolled like ice cubes in a blender. Donnie said, "How are we going to get home, then?"
The replying silence was long and telling.
Donnie knew they were screwed, but he hadn't realized Leo had no plan at all. Or at least, that he hadn't come up with something after his night on watch. He knew that Leo would've sat there the whole night thinking -- it was certainly what Donnie had done.
"You didn't think I'd have the power to break through either." Leo said, a little sharp, a little tired.
"I thought you were going to break through the wall like Kool Aid Man." Donnie replied, just the wrong side of mocking.
Leo stood up, legs trembling with effort, and walked down the length of the cave. His hand scraped the wall, head ducked from the short height at the slope. He traced the perimeter and came back, looking out the mouth of the cave.
"I don't know what the right move is." Leo said. "But I can tell that the wrong move would be to debilitate our biggest asset in a Hail Mary that neither of us actually thinks is going to work. I... I don't have enough power to break through the wall, whether or not if it's even possible. We need to re-evaluate."
"To what?" Donnie said, because he was facing the gaping expanse of their future and he didn't like what he could see.
Leo didn't look at him, still staring out the mouth of the cave. A hard set to his jaw. "You weren't supposed to be here."
A red-hot flare of frustration. Fine. Arguing about this again? Donnie wanted to do it on his feet. He wrenched up, fingernails scraping the hard unforgiving wall, and a punch of pain just barely broke a whine in the base of his throat. Leo's head didn't move but his eyes snapped over.
Donnie met his gaze fiercely, clutching his side as if it might help the way his ribs ground together when he stood. He said, drawled out and angry, "I know you came in here expecting to die. I'm sorry I screwed that plan up for you, except news flash, I'm not sorry at all. It was a stupid plan and now you've gotta come up with a new plan. One that gets us both out."
Leo stared at him, then cut his gaze away. He exhaled, loud and annoyed. "Don't ask me, I'm not the smart twin."
"Scoff." Donnie said, loud and scathing and echoing in the small dark space. "Shut the fuck up Nardo, you are literally a chess grandmaster, you don't get to pretend you're not smart."
A vivid memory, so close he could reach out and touch it -- sitting crossed legged on a pillow, biting his thumbnail, glaring at the smug face of his twin as he danced his knight around the chessboard and announced on each turn, "Check. Check. Check."
"Leo, stop toying with him." Raph had said, from the other side of the room, gruffly amused.
"Oh, but it's so much fun." Leo had said, chewing on a grin. "Checkmate."
The feeling of it dissolved, leaving the dark expression on Leo's face standing before him, hand clenched around his sword at his side. "There's no way out of here. That's exactly why I dragged him in. And why you were supposed to be safe, on the other side."
"But I'm not." Donnie said, slowly, dragging it out. He'd never beat Leo at chess, but this was a game he was determined to win.
"But you're not." Leo agreed, in a voice that sounded nothing like agreement. "Fine. You want my plan? We need to stay alive. That means water, before we're too dehydrated to get it. So I will go fetch the ice, and you will construct something with your ninpo to generate Joule heating. Are you replenished enough right now to do that?"
Donnie didn't even have a moment to be impressed that Leo had been listening attentively enough to remember the name of the process, he was far too focused on the beginning of that statement. He made a big X with both arms and went. "Nope. That's not the plan, Leon. You are not going to fetch the ice by yourself, are you stupid?"
"Am I smart or not? Make up your mind." Leo said, pretending to be dry. "It's tactical. He might still be at the ship."
"Why does that entail going there by yourself? How the hell is that tactical?" Donnie spat back, the race of fear shot directly through him, his heart skipping a beat.
"Because it's not safe, both of us shouldn't go back if he could be there." Leo said, injecting sensibility and calm into a completely nonsensical logic. "I'll go look, I'll get the ice, and I'll be back."
"No." Donnie said, flabbergasted. "Absolutely not, what if he is there? You're going to take him on by yourself?"
"I'll just portal away." Leo dismissed, not even pausing. "We can't get caught there, he can't know the location is important to us. But we need the water."
"I'm coming with you."
"No, you're not." Leo said, tense, jaw working. "I'm going to get water and bring it to you."
"No, you're not." Donnie repeated, louder, like raising his volume would gain him ground in this fight.
Leo smiled. And Donnie had a wash of premonition, call it pattern recognition, call it twin sense, but he knew the words before they came out of Leo's horrible mouth: "How are you going to stop me?"
Donnie was lurching forward, but it was too late, the portal appeared with a flash of Leo's ninpo and swallowed him whole, leaving Donnie to close his hands on empty air. He shouldered into the opposite wall, a noise of fear and distress and a ricochet of pain.
For a moment, Donnie stayed immobile, still in disbelief. Blinking at the empty cave as if Leo might appear again, come back and change his mind from --
This time, Donnie was actually alone. The claws of terror closed around his throat, throwing wild eyes around the small space. He lit his purple marks bright, obliterating any shadows in a bathe of his favourite colour, like a sick version of the track lights he'd lined his bedroom with.
Ragged breathing. Donnie didn't know what to do. Leo was -- he'd just left. And now Donnie had no way to know if he was okay, if he'd just walked into his death again. There was nothing he could do but wait.
Not a huge fan of waiting. Especially when the situation blew on the sparks of his panic and erupted it back into a bonfire. A ravishing sensation, turning his knees to jello, sliding down the wall on the other side, staring at the entrance to his stupid cave (his tomb) and praying that this wouldn't be the moment he was found by Prime.
The purple glow hummed. Donnie sucked in breath after breath, the raced agony from his ribs, and he thought. Actually, fuck this.
Donnie crossed his legs and folded his hands together. He let the purple soften. He counted tactical breathing, like a sniper -- inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. He couldn't be caught lacking. He was alone. He needed to be in full capacity. He needed to stay alive until Leo got back, because Leo was coming back. And if Prime showed up between now and then, Donnie would kick his fucking ass.
Maybe. Probably. No -- Donnie was a badass motherfucker and he should be feared. Or at least he'd put up a damn good fight.
There was a writhing feeling inside him at Leo vanishing in the wink of a portal -- the sheer helplessness, the frustration and above all the anger. The wobbling between body and mind, the back and forth he always struggled to keep up with.
Alone. He was alone. No, it was fine. Leo was coming back. And Donnie could kill him for leaving.
Donnie had absolutely no idea how long it was before Leo reappeared, only that he was ready. There was a flash of blue, appearing in the same molecule of space that he'd left, arms full.
Two blocks of ice, a dusty metal pot, and his sword hanging from his fingers.
The moment he set eyes on his twin again, every inch of Donnie's carefully pulled-together calm vanished. It burnt up, dissolving into that fury. He snarled, burst with it, "How dare you."
"Hi Donnie." Leo said, unregretful. "He wasn't there. Bee-tee-dubs."
Donnie wanted to fucking rattle him. He pushed up and the noise of pain was shrouded in his snarl, charging his brother like he might just hurt him.
"Woah, okay, relax." Leo backpedalled, juggling his arms full, a flash of real panic in his eyes that was smothered quickly. "It's chill. Prommy."
His twin was only attempting every single disarming trick he had under his sleeve because Donnie was positively seething. "Don't start the gaslighting bullshit right now or I will girlboss you into the fucking sun, Leon."
"Not trying to." Leo carefully set down his spoils, so he could raise his hands in surrender, eyes wide and innocent.
"Shut up." Unfortunately for Leo, now that his hands were free of the water they desperately needed, Donnie was free to give him a solid push in the middle of his plastron and send him stumbling backwards into the cave wall. "What the fuck is your problem? Huh?"
"I came back. I told you I was coming back." Leo said, swallowing, hands still up, watching Donnie with visible nerves.
"You left me here alone." Donnie couldn't breathe, like there was a metal band around his chest, getting close enough to push Leo again, rebounding him against the wall.
Leo steadied himself, not fighting back, and set his jaw grimly when he said, "It was for your own good."
Donnie screamed in his face, loud and inarticulate, and turned on his heel to storm away before he did something stupid like actually hit him. His body felt like a livewire, sparking and afraid, so goddamn afraid. He practically gasped for air, the whistle of it through his pained ribs.
"Breathe, D." Leo said, distant, like he was hearing it through a cardboard tube.
"Fuck you." Donnie snapped back, catching on the end of a desperate inhale.
A small sigh returned. That claustrophobic feeling, because Donnie wanted to storm away, to leave this small trapped little cavern, but it wasn't any better out there. The crawling ant feeling of being exposed.
And, of course, he didn't want to be alone, even if being here meant being with the exact same person who was making him so angry.
There were a distinct lack of apologies from his brother, the too-wide eyes framed in blue and red, a familiar sight. Leo was trying to win and Donnie wasn't going to give him any fucking ground.
"Tello --" Leo began.
"Don't fucking talk to me right now." Donnie snarled, because if he couldn't leave, then he seriously needed Leo to shut up or he was going to give into the Cain instinct.
Leo's mouth snapped shut. His shoulders hunched and hands pulled into his plastron, curling closer to the wall and stepping away.
Donnie stormed right past him, snatching up the spoils. The pot was good, it was a metal alloy and only a little dented. He sat cross-legged on the floor, running through his brain what components he would need to summon. An alternating electrical current through a conductor, taking advantage of Ohm's Law. The current was going to have to be his ninpo, obviously, and the manufactured element would have contact with the metal alloy of the pot to heat the ice.
It was stupid to put the whole block in at once, so Donnie extended his hand towards Leo, not looking over when he said, "Give me your sword."
Hesitation. Leo didn't move.
Donnie cut his gaze over, still furious, and commanded, "Give it to me."
Leo grabbed his sword and flipped it in his palm to hold by the blade and offer Donnie the hilt. He was pale with a wobbling smile that couldn't quite stay on his lips, a slipping facade.
Donnie didn't have time to feel the way his heart wrung like a wet towel at the sight. He snatched up the sword and hacked the block down into a smaller chunk to start, placing it in the bottom of the pot. He let his ninpo crackle at his fingertips in purple sparks, summoning a small construct modelled after a camping stove, if a camping stove was powered with induction heating instead of propane.
The pot settled on the conjured element and Donnie pumped the system with alternating current via ninpo. It took a bit of focus to get the output right, watching the way the ice began to slide around the bottom of the pot and form a shallow pool of water. Blessed water. He was so thirsty.
Donnie waited for the block to melt completely, leaving a thin layer, then he added another chunk. Steam meant it was boiling, so hopefully it would kill any lurking space parasites. Obviously they weren't in a vacuum of space, or else they'd be very dead long before now, so that meant there could still be microorganisms living in the ice.
He worked silently, the anger sitting in his throat, a little choking and hot and overwhelming. He was thinking about how paying the ransom of someone being held hostage encouraged it to happen again.
The blocks of ice made an almost full pot. Donnie let it boil for three minutes at least, hoping it would help sterilize the pot as well. Then he stopped the flow of ninpo and let the heat off. The little cave was warmer, though the heat was escaping out the open mouth with no way to contain it.
He vanished the conjured stove. He set the pot down to cool and backed up to press himself against the opposite wall to Leo, facing the entrance instead of his brother and wheezing through some breaths. The drain of ninpo was a bit like running a marathon. He could do it, but he was tired. It didn't help that he still had his conjured battle shell, in no way comfortable enough to take it off at the moment.
Silence, beyond their breathing. Neither of them looking at each other. Donnie was annoyed when he noticed he'd synced up to Leo's cyclic inhale-exhale without even realizing.
The steam stopped billowing off the top of the pot, as the environment cooled the water enough for drinking.
Leo cleared his throat, a fragile web of nerves overtop his otherwise normal voice, "You go first, Tello."
Donnie flexed his fingers, the sizzle of rage not abated in the slightest. He said, through gritted teeth, "If you want to make it up to me, Nardo, you will drink the fucking water."
The nickname was his only give in the fight, from how the sight of Leo wavering in the face of his anger was affecting him. He didn't want to make Leo look like that, even though it was his twin's own fault. He knew that Leo was entirely sustained on love to function and it was not ideal that the only person he had was pissed at him. Plus if Donnie made him cry he might just have to throw himself into the void in penance. Even if Leo deserved it right now.
"Alright. Alright." Leo shuffled forward, picking up the pot and gently tipping the lip to his mouth. It wasn't the most ideal drinking cup, but it got real water into his system for the first time in days. Donnie knew exactly how thirsty he felt -- the tacky substance to his saliva, the pulsing hot dehydration headache that was set aside for other more pressing miseries, and the grinding churn of his stomach -- so Leo couldn't have felt much better either. The slider sipped slow and careful, taking his time.
"Donnie--" Leo began, looking up.
"Keep drinking." Donnie said, not giving an inch. He knew what he was doing.
An audible sigh. Leo drank until it was half empty from the starting point, bringing it over to Donnie. He held it out and said, "Okay, I had my share. Please drink yours now."
"Nope." Donnie replied.
Leo stared at the side of his face, that terrible wavering coming back in full force. "What?"
"I'm not having it." Donnie stated plainly, crossing his arms over his plastron and pushing against the pain in his stomach. He definitely wanted it. But he had a point to make.
"What do you mean, you're not?" Leo said, coloured just the wrong side of helpless.
"I'm not drinking any water that you fetched by leaving me behind." Donnie told him, cutting his furious gaze over and letting Leo feel the full force of it.
Judging by the flinch, he did. "Donnie, please. You have to drink, your body needs it. I won't do it again, okay?"
"You're right, you won't do it again, because I'm not drinking this water." Donnie kept his look flinty and cool. He was not paying the ransom.
This was dangerously getting into the 'making Leo cry' camp, judging by the wet shine on his eyes. "You have to."
Donnie took probably a bit too much sick glee in spreading his lips over teeth as he said, "How are you going to make me?"
[]
Raph held onto both of Mikey's shoulders as he pushed and pushed. And watched as Mikey tore himself apart. Sobbing with his whole body, Mikey clawed at reality, trying to tear it open. The fissures breaking through, almost splitting, almost ripping the fabric of the universe just to get their brothers back.
But you know what they say about horseshoes and hand grenades.
At the point where Mikey's face drained of blood, that his eyes fluttered and his legs fell out from underneath him -- Raph thought -- well.
He thought for a second that he'd really lost all of them.
It wasn't as if Raph blamed Donnie. If he could fly, then he would've been right there beside him. And it wasn't as if he didn't understand the functional logic behind Leo's decision, even if he disagreed with the fundamental premise that Leo could only be a hero if he was, essentially, dead. And it wasn't like he was angry at Mikey for trying to save them, for pushing himself to the point of collapse just for one last gasp attempt to get them back.
But ten minutes ago Raph had three brothers and now he was the last left standing. And he... he just couldn't believe it.
For whatever hysterical reason, as Raph scooped up his baby brother and cradled him to his chest, trying to check his pulse with trembling inexperienced fingers, he could only think about being a child. When he would blaze a path, and the three would toddle behind him, giggling. And Splinter had smiled at him, cradling his face and said, "My lovely red, you have been gifted with three little brothers who trust you and look up to you. I know you will do such a good job looking out for them."
"I will." Raph agreed, chin up, proud. He was their big brother, brother who was the biggest, and he wanted to protect them -- to tuck a scared Mikey close, to cushion Donnie's shell, to tickle Leo until he smiled big and real. It was a promise easily made and hard-kept.
There was a point where Splinter grew more self-aware, and asked Raph quietly as they watched the three pushing each other off a skate-ramp, "Did I put too much on your shoulders?"
Probably. But. "I wouldn't have them anywhere else."
Even as Mikey's pulse stuttered against his fingertips, limp and crackling with excess mystic energy, Raph thought, over and over like a death toll, how was he supposed to tell Dad he had failed to protect them?
"Boys?" Splinter's voice came over the comm, distant, maybe he'd been asking for a while.
Raph clutched Mikey closer, not even realizing he'd been leaking tears over him as he held him, having fallen to his knees.
"Dad." Raph said, voice not coming out right, raising his arm to speak. "Are you and April okay?"
"We are fine." Splinter's voice wooshed. "Tell me, are they both..."
Raph shut his eyes, misery washing over him. The sight of purple streaking into the portal. Leo's voice begging Casey to close it. Splinter knew that much, at least. The word cracked down the middle when he said, "Yeah."
A shuddering breath. But Raph had more bad news. He pushed on, "Mikey tried to ... pull them back. And it didn't work. He's... he needs help."
"Tell me where you are." Splinter replied, immediate.
Raph told him. And stayed exactly where he was, holding the only brother he had left, desperate fingers not leaving his pulse for a second.
April appeared in his line of sight, like a skip in the record. Her entire expression was grim, and she tugged him to move. He moved. He carried Mikey to the vehicle they'd procured and he felt this numb horror that enveloped every inch of him. Mikey was so limp. There was a gaping hole in his heart where little brothers should be.
April drove. Casey inspected the wounds on Mikey, humming and clucking under his breath.
Splinter crawled over the divider to hug Raph.
"Pops." Raph said, rough, immediately pushing him away before he could even think about it. "No, don't. I lost them. I lost all of them."
"My lovely red." Splinter forced him to meet his eye, and he looked fucking wrecked. "Can you please let me enjoy for a moment the child that I can hold?"
"Oh." Raph's mouth wobbled, and he hugged his dad.
There was a crackle in his chest, a rapid unravelling. He couldn't believe, he was just entrenched in this relentless shock. That they were gone, and Mikey was pale and lifeless, and here was his father that he promised he would take care of them. And now what happened?
"I've got you." Splinter muttered, clutching Raph around the head.
"I'm sorry." Raph said, broken, fractured. "I'm sorry, Pops, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Shh." Splinter tried, but it couldn't be contained, the endless fountain of apologies poured from Raph's mouth. There was nothing else he could possibly say.
Raph's throat sewed itself closed when it became clear that the apologies would not be enough. His brothers would still be injured and missing.
Missing. Gone. A void, a distinct lack of sarcasm and wit filling the space with banter. Raph was silent as a grave when they arrived back home, carrying his little brother, brother who was the littlest, into the med bay. Casey took over like a whirlwind, immediately moving around the organization system like he knew exactly where everything was.
Raph didn't put Mikey down. He sat on the bed with Mikey cradled in his lap, forcing Casey to work around him. His orange mask gently untied and set aside, an IV put into his elbow, the crackles up his arms inspected with narrowed eyes.
"What did you two do?" Splinter breathed, eyes round. He was sentinel at their side, unmoving. Casey danced around him too, like he was used to the obstacles to care.
It was only when Splinter reached out and brushed Raph's arms did he realize his own were fractured and burning. Hot, like split skin, bloated with blood underneath the surface pushing up. He hadn't even registered the physical pain because there was far too much mental pain to even cope with something as meaningless as the cracks in his skin.
"That's Draxum's domain." Casey announced, looking at the crackles on Mikey's arm. "Can we get him here?"
"I can." Splinter said, grim.
"Okay. Fast is best." Casey told him.
Splinter swallowed, nodding firmly, and left in a sweep of his robes.
April touched Raph's arm, having taken the spot his father had vacated. "You can put him down, big guy."
Raph shook his head. No. He couldn't.
"Can we take a look at you?" April implored, undeniably worried. The furrow in her brow, the flash of her lenses dirtied from the fight.
Raph shook his head again. When he curved around Mikey, he felt so small. He could throw a skyscraper and he could fit perfectly in Raph's arms.
"Raphael." Casey said, putting on a little stern tone. "Both of your wounds need sterilizing, unless you want an infection on top of everything. You can set Mikey down, I'll clean him up. April will help you with yours."
Perhaps if it hadn't been phrased as a direct order. But Raph put Mikey down and let Casey take care of him so he wouldn't get an infection.
April pulled him aside. Raph was generally unhelpful, because he couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he just stared at Mikey as Casey cleaned his wounds with clinical, brisk hands. As he set up monitors and hunted through Leo's perfectly stocked supply cabinets.
He didn't feel the sting of April working on his hands. There was no room left in his brain. Every moment he remembered, over and over, what had just happened. And every moment, it was this endless repetition.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have carried you higher on my shoulders. I should have loved you better. I should have protected you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
The apologies didn't change a thing, but he couldn't stop making them.
Notes:
check out this art by the lovely wonderful L for the last chapter!!!
cheers,
rem
Chapter 5
Notes:
last reminder that the warnings for this fic are in the tags and they are updated periodically, so if you need warnings make sure to keep an eye on the tags :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Donnie tipped his head back against the wall, breathing slowly and evenly, hands slung between his legs. His throat was dry, not a drop of water having passed his lips in days. There was a drag of pain on each inhale, tugging on his ribs with each movement.
Leo was still on the other side of the cave, his eyes hadn't left Donnie's figure, jaw working angrily. He'd shaken off the misery and left with a frustrated upset. The stubborn twins framing either side, both of them pissed at the other, a half-full pot of water like a bomb between them.
"Have you completely lost your mind?" Leo demanded, breaking the silence like shattering glass.
"What is the goal of your statement?" Donnie asked, cool, calculating. It seemed a little weak of a logical argument for Leo, who could legitimately talk a man into selling him his shoes.
"I think the goal is pretty obvious, dude." Leo hands were clenching and closing at his sides. "I want you to drink the fucking water."
"You know my terms." Donnie said, ice.
"This is not a negotiation." Leo said, too loud. "I'm not fucking around with your life. I'll take you with me next time. Drink the water now."
"I'm not rewarding your bad behaviour." Donnie sneered.
Leo picked up at small rock and threw it at him, missing and hitting the wall above Donnie's head with a ping. Or more likely a calculated miss, Donnie would be pretty disappointed if Leo was so impaired that he couldn't hit an unmoving target less than ten feet away from him.
"This isn't a game." Leo threw another rock, pinging away in another direction. "You've proven your point."
"I don't think so." Donnie said.
"I really think we have enough problems without you creating new ones. I actually don't think I've ever felt this frustrated with you and I survived your entire Nyan Cat phase."
Donnie's brain immediately began to play the Nyan Cat song, which he had listened on loop for weeks. It was a particularly stark contrast of that moment to this one, that made him feel off-balance and unwell. Sugar sweet music as he watched the wretched expression on Leo's face twist and try to find somewhere to settle. What game his twin was going to try and play next to win.
Donnie needed to move this gridlock forward somehow, because if Leo hadn't stopped being equally frustrating for the last sixteen years he sure as hell wasn't going to stop now. While he wasn't about to give up his stance, but maybe he could find a way around it. "What's our plan? Are we staying here?"
Leo glared. He picked up another little rock, but didn't throw it this time, tossing up and snatching it out of the air repeatedly. He muttered, "The plan is you're going to stop prioritizing being petty over your own life, Donatello. You're injured."
"I'm fine." Donnie rolled his eyes, because sure his ribs hurt, but he wasn't about to die. It was only because he had nothing but time to think about them hurting that made it so unbearable. And that Leo had nothing but time to listen to the little whistle-wheeze as he tried to breathe. He was working himself up over nothing. "I assume your plan is that we are going to remain here since it avoids our water source being a target."
Leo hesitated before answering. "Yes. But I am concerned that being here isolates you too much from it, since you can't teleport there like me. If you were on your own for whatever reason, you wouldn't have access."
Donnie made a big show of blinking and looking around, pretending to be startled. "Oh my goodness, have you seen where my twin has gone? Because surely he wouldn't be here telling me something so unbelievably hypocritical after I was just being rightfully pissed at him for leaving me alone."
"It's not the same thing." Leo said, through gritted teeth.
"Just because you say that, doesn't make it true." Donnie grit his teeth back at him in mirror, straining forward. He flicked up his own rock, aiming right the wall beside Leo's ear.
Leo flinched like he'd been shot, and ducked his head. A shadow over his face as he said, "But you are right. We can't show our hand about the water. So we should probably stay here. I was thinking maybe we should see if you can use my sword like Dad can."
"I don't need to." Donnie dismissed. "Because you're not going anywhere. Right?"
The darkness kept Leo's his expression hidden, beyond a crooked smile on his mouth. "I'm just planning for all eventualities, D."
"Scoff." Donnie flicked another rock, hitting a mile away and somehow still making Leo flinch. It helplessly made Donnie's stomach drop through the floor -- something about all of Leo's facades but he couldn't turn off that instinctive reaction.
Or something about seeing Leo from a distance, even if it was the stone's throw away, really gave him a fuller perspective on the state of his brother. There was a minute tremor in his fingertips, easily hidden when he folded them together. A trick-of-light bruising on the side of his face, worse when he turned away and the slopes of it revealed to be purple with yellow spider-webbed edges and not just shadows. The exhaustion hanging off his every pore, along with a ragged coat of dirt that Leo never would've allowed to stand against his complexion if he had access to any kind of running water.
Mirrored positions on either side of the cave, ten feet felt like ten miles, two twins staring at each other.
Something about looking at him just reminded Donnie of the dire situation they were in, and that fist squeezed his heart when he remembered that the odds weren't great, that there was no clear escape and this was a Leo that was probably only going to get worse from here. Like the worst kind of premonition.
Donnie didn't believe in the ability to tell the future. But he did understand pattern recognition and following logical possibilities. And honestly? They were so fucked. There was only so many places to hide in a vast open wasteland. They could run but not faster than Prime. They had a water source but that would not last forever. They had no food source and that was something that would only get harder with time.
The hunger was like a fifty-pound backpack that he could not set down. It was there, both of them were quietly bowed under it. If only they spontaneously develop photosynthesis.
Leo was looking back at him. There was a terrible expression on his face.
"You're going to get wrinkles." Donnie told him. It was an olive branch, going from pissed off snapping to cooled teasing.
Leo hesitated, but gripped the offering eagerly. "Wrinkles wouldn't dare. It'd be like desecrating a national monument."
"Har har." Donnie said.
A strained beat of pause. Leo said, "Can you please drink some water, D?"
Oh, that was good. It really stepped on his ribs for a second, hard to breathe at the just barely-there plead in Leo's voice. Donnie admired the move, but didn't give his position. "How would you feel if I left you here alone?"
"It's not the same." Leo replied.
"Explain your reasoning." Donnie demanded.
"Because you're injured. Because of m--" Leo cut himself off and turned away, shadows falling heavy over him again.
"I missed the part where you slammed me into the rocks, Leon." Donnie said, dry. And of course it was the guilt -- forget the heavy weight of hunger, Leo was crushed with his self-imposed guilt of only about thousand pounds.
"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me." Leo ground out, like he was rubbing the sandpaper of his teeth together while awake.
"Don't take responsibility for my decision." Donnie said, fully aware that there was no way Leo was about to believe him.
"What's yours is mine." Leo turned his mouth into something resembling a smile.
"We share." Donnie corrected.
A skip in the back and forth of their conversation, as if their dad was right there, reminding them over and over and over to share. From screaming fights as toddlers to begrudgingly splitting down the middle as kids to teenagers having perfected the art of handing over favourite pieces. Buying excess of something just to share it when the other inevitably showed up to steal some. Scooting over to give half their chair. Flapping open blankets in the middle of the night after dreams they dissected down the most minute detail. Sharing personal space as if it didn't matter when it was two halves of the same soul.
"We share." Leo agreed. "Share the water with me. Please."
"I wish you said please half as often at home." Donnie deflected.
"I'll start. As soon as we get home." There was a quick rush of his words, tripping over each other. Desperation. "Please, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I left you alone. I was scared he'd be there and I went without thinking how much that would suck for you and I promise I won't do it again. Please drink the water."
Hm. Almost. Donnie could see himself caving to that, the stumble of Leo's panic, the wild despair in his eyes and how he kept tucking away the frantic tremor of his hands out of sight, the caved apology.
But the other side was that Leo was trying to win this argument just as much as Donnie was, and it was entirely possible he was leaning into his panic fully knowing that Donnie hated to see him upset. That it was a calculated give-up, that led to Leo winning. End result, point in Leonardo's favour.
"Take me back to the ship." Donnie said, deciding on what would be best. "We'll get some more ice -- we'll need more water than this anyway. I'll drink that."
"If you'll drink that, why won't you drink this?" Leo gestured at the pot, still waiting between them.
"Because I never want you to do that to me again." Donnie said, letting the anger at the situation bleed back into his tone to tell his twin how fucking serious he was about that.
A small deflation along with a sigh, Leo scratching the back of his neck. The picture of apologetic guilt. Too picture perfect, it was something painted exactly for him.
"That's my final offer." Donnie cut over whatever Leo was going to try to sell him.
The expression slid away. Leo returned to a scowl.
Donnie inhaled for a moment, feeling the bite of the cold air around them, hugging his elbows close. He said, "If you've decided we're staying here, then I want to go back for more ice and to gather some of that burlap."
Leo's jaw ticked. "We're safer staying away."
Donnie recognized the stubborn tilt, that it wasn't enough. He needed one last push.
The two of them never had any kind of dynamic for who was the older twin or the younger twin -- the whole reason they were twins was because they were meant to be equal, they shared. However, that didn't mean Donnie didn't know how to abuse his younger sibling privilege, with all the practice he had with Raph. Leo was just as susceptible to it.
Donnie really let himself sink into the freezing atmosphere, weaponizing all his innocent little brother energy, "But Leo, I'm cold."
"Evil." Leo pointed directly at him. "Evil. Put that face away. What are you, Mikey?"
Donnie did not put the face away. He did, in fact, learn it from Mikey. Possibly even asked for tips.
Leo cursed and covered his eyes with his hand. "I hate you. I hate you so much. Fine. You win. You win, okay? Gloat all you want. Just. God, please D, please drink when we get it."
Donnie smiled. It was a shame victory had a sore, dry throat.
Pushing up, hand scraping the wall in his attempt to get his legs underneath him, Donnie managed to stand without embarrassing himself. Then he scooped up the sword and inspected himself in the reflection of the blade, barely visible in the low lighting. His staring reflection was covered in a fine layer of dirt, along with something a little frantic in his eyes that he couldn't wipe even as he tried. All those hours spent practising his expressions in the mirror didn't help him now, not with the weight of the fear and the hunger and the pain and all the physical and emotional sensations he was combating.
A hot bath sounded really good. Maybe with some ice cream, just to have that delicious temperature contrast. Then he could crawl into fresh clean sheets and sleep soundly for hours and hours. He'd take a turtle pile right now, if only to see the dimples in Mikey's smile and the chur of Raph laying beside him and the lack of worried crease in Leo's brow.
"So your hypothesis is that because Dad was capable of using your sword, it is a Hamato shared power instead of just Dad being incredibly versatile?" Donnie asked, managing to get his voice in something resembling his preferred monotone instead of this tortured arguing that was all Leo's fault for starting.
"My hippopotamus is that it'd be stupid if we didn't at least try and see how many assets were have at our disposal." Leo replied, rolling his eyes up towards the shallow ceiling, flopping the hand away from his face.
"I am not proposing any semi-aquatic mammals, thank you." Donnie said, stiffly. He spun the sword agilely, having practiced with enough weapons over the years that a sword wasn't too hard to play with. There wasn't any noticeable spark of ninpo, however. "I doubt this will work, unless you feel as if you'd be able to build constructs like I do. Hell, can you imagine doing Mikey's chain thing?"
"No idea how he does that." Leo admitted, pushing off the wall and joining Donnie in the middle, where the ceiling was the highest and they didn't have to duck as much. "I just. If you can portal, I'd like to know now."
Donnie reached inside of himself for the abstract thing he considered his ninpo. Judging by the conversations with his family, it felt different for each of them, and for Donnie it was...
Well. It was a battery. That was how he imagined it, if only to give himself a physical representation in his mind so he could properly utilize it. A battery had chemical energy moved through a reaction flowing electrons from one material to another. Something about picturing his Hamato spirit as flowing electrons helped him to grab hold of something so ephemeral. It was never as effortless for him as it was for Mikey, who could run before he could walk when it came to ninpo. Trying to get Mikey to explain how he managed to harass it so easily was a wash, since he didn't get the concepts, he just went off vibes.
Donnie went better off concepts. Even if there weren't really any, beyond being in touch with yourself and blah blah blah. Donnie preferred replicable results with concise conclusions. That made sense to him.
Ninpo was still something that didn't quite make sense to him. And therefore he wasn't super hopeful that he'd be able to summon a portal, and with the way ninpo worked it was kind of a whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. He didn't think he could do it, so he wouldn't.
It was standing in the middle of Witch Town again, hurting from something he didn't understand that everyone else did and no matter how many times he asked them to explain, it didn't get clearer. It relied too much on faith. Believing in something he didn't understand.
Donnie drew on his battery, electric purple in his mind, guiding it to his fingertips. Sparking purple eagerly, his ninpo loved to create constructions for him. But there was no light up of the sword in his hand, just the suggestion that he could try and make a purple construct machine that could create portals if he knew the technology behind it.
Because that was the thing. He could only create things that he knew how to make.
A frustrated scowl fell on Donnie's face, because it really would be nice if he could make portals too. He said, "What do you think about when you do this?"
Leo hesitated. He reached out, folding his fingers over Donnie's, and said, "I think about where I want to be."
After a second, the sword erupted in brighter blue markings, and a portal formed. Opening into the ship they'd left behind. Donnie didn't feel anything from the formation of the portal that him made confident he could recreate it.
Whatever. He handed Leo back his sword and stepped through the portal before it could close, just in case Leo changed his mind. The darkness swallowed him instantly, an instinctive reaction to light his purple markings and cast the room in the cool shade of it.
Leo followed him in, the portal shutting soundlessly. The two of them stood, listening, neither of them making a sound.
"If we go underneath the ship to gather more ice are you going to have a panic attack again?" Leo said, voice barely above level once they stood still long enough to determine they were alone. It was meant to be a barb, because Leo was an asshole, and also because Leo didn't want him to be there.
But Donnie was fairly sure he wouldn't have a panic attack this time, if only because he'd discovered the only thing worse than the hellish realization of this existence was being left alone in it.
"I've never panicked about anything in my entire life." Donnie replied. He met Leo's eyes like a challenge.
"Hmph." Leo turned away. They could argue about it or they could get the job done and leave.
"Do you think if they had water, then they had food too?" Donnie asked, tapping an overturned bin with his foot. There was nothing underneath but dust and debris.
"I think this ship has been in here a long time." Leo said. "If there is, would it be any good to eat?"
"We should look anyway." Donnie replied. Maybe because the hunger weighed on him, along with the knowledge that their argument wouldn't have been half as explosive or their decisions half as terrible if they weren't already beginning to feel the effects.
Leo sighed. But he took Donnie's hand and led the way through the ship once more, the splash of their colours painting the walls as they traced a path. They hadn't seen anything resembling a kitchen on their first walk throughs, so they tried a different path. They portalled inside a couple rooms that had the doors obstructed.
They found the kitchen hidden behind a blocked section. More sinks and storage bins, large and industrial sized. The floor was covered in discarded containers, empty and broken. Leo checked a wall of sealed doors first, opening each in turn. Donnie inspected the mess on the floor.
"Someone was hungry in here." Donnie responded, a little ill at the thought. Each container was licked clean, from whatever was inside.
"Mhm." Leo said and closed the fridge-like door he was looking inside. "Don't open that."
Donnie immediately wanted to open that. He got a little closer and said with sick curiosity, "What's in there?"
"I believe it is the 'someone who was hungry'." Leo replied.
"Ah." Donnie still wanted to look, but he wasn't sure his stomach could handle it. "Human or Kraang?"
"Neither. Well. As far as I can tell. I'm not eager to get a second look."
Damn. Donnie's scientific curiosity was slightly higher than his weak stomach. He eyed the fridge for a moment, contemplating.
"D." Leo said, firm. "You seriously don't want to see."
"How decomposed is the body?" Donnie asked.
"Not very, too cold in here. Think a morgue freezer."
"It's probably not that bad, then." Donnie tried to psyche himself up, reaching for the handle.
Leo grabbed his hand mid-way there. He shook his head.
Fine. Donnie really didn't want to puke right now. "Was there anything else in there?"
"No." Leo said. Too quick.
"Okay." Donnie let him. "Well, let's check the cupboards."
There was little hope, because someone wouldn't have crawled into the fridge to die until they'd exhausted all their resources. The two of them opened each set of doors, finding the same empty ration containers and wrappers.
Donnie waited until Leo had his head properly inside a deeper storage unit and tip-toed back with ninja stealth to approach the fridge. He held his breath and opened the door.
His markings lit the corpse in faint violet. Not human, not Kraang, something slumped over with jaw detached and hanging. Painted on the inside was some kind of writing -- whatever it was, the same alien word over and over -- and the alien's appendage was torn open and caked in the same dark substance covering the wall. Something about the stillness of the corpse, the vacant stare of what could've been a face -- it immediately turned Donnie's stomach, let alone the desperation needed to decorate the walls of your tomb in your own blood. He wanted to know what the word was. He hoped he never had to know.
The fridge door snapped shut from Leo's hand and his brother stepped in front of him with a scowl. He said, "Didn't you trust me that you didn't want to see that? Fuck, don't throw up."
"I'm not going to throw up." Donnie said, hands over his mouth, trying his hardest not to throw up. He had nothing to throw up anyway. He was totally in control.
"Why did you do this?" Leo complained, stretching the syllables out.
Because Donnie came here to make sure Leo wasn't alone. If Leo was experiencing the horrors, then so was Donnie. "Because of my insatiable scientific curiosity. I'm more surprised that it's the first corpse we've found -- this ship is pretty big."
"Mm." Leo replied. "Probably because it was hidden."
Ah. Right. The Kraang. Donnie didn't want to speculate on the fate of anyone found by them, because that would mean speculating on his own future and... he didn't have the stomach for that at the moment.
"There's nothing left here." Leo pat his arm. "Come on. Let's get the ice and some fabric scraps and get out before ugly comes back."
"Ugly? That's the best you've got?" Donnie said, trying to match his lightness, trying to move past the gnawing hole of a face he'd just seen burnt into his retina. The writing on the wall.
"Bubblegum fucker." Leo added.
"He's like if Pepto Bismol was piloting a Gundam."
"Hah. Nerd."
Donnie whacked his arm. They portalled out of the abandoned kitchen no richer than when they entered.
Leo offered to fetch the water by himself and Donnie levelled him with his best Unimpressed Stare, guaranteed to get his way or his money back, and crawled into the bowels of the ship once more to peel away more of the metal tank to chop off a few more ice blocks. They discussed Donnie's ninpo resources and decided to stock up, creating a purple constructed net to hold more ice than they could carry in their arms alone. The same was used for pillaging a bunch of the burnt burlap from the laundry room, and together they left the ship.
Obviously the small rest Leo had was not long enough, for when they returned to their cave at last the sword clattered out of his hand and onto the floor.
"Shit." Leo muttered, scooping it up with a barely noticeable tremor in his hand, but Donnie had seen it anyway.
"Idiot." Donnie replied. "Do you know what helps with regaining your strength?"
"I do not want to hear it from the guy refusing to drink water just to prove a fucking point right now." Leo snapped back. He thumped his bag down, having carried the much heavier ice.
Donnie set up the burlap on the other side of the cave. He was aware that it wasn't going to help the already cold temperature to have the ice in there with them. "Should we keep the ice outside?"
"What if Prime sees it?" Leo said, proving his paranoia was always going to be stronger than Donnie's.
"Mmm." Donnie agreed. They'd just have to rely on body heat, at least the burlap would help them trap it between them. Heating up more water might improve the temperature a bit, even with the open mouth of the cave. "I just wonder if the boiling condensation will melt our surplus."
"Let me go look around." Leo said, and left.
Donnie froze in his task, all his muscles locking up. His heart started going triple time. That was definitely not a normal reaction to his brother stepping out of his sight line. He knew with incredible logic that Leo was just stepping outside to see if there was somewhere hidden to store the ice.
And as Leo came back, still looking as calm as could be, he wondered why it was that Leo seemed perfectly capable of walking away from him when Donnie couldn't stand it.
"I think there's a spot that could work." Leo replied.
"I'll help you." Donnie scampered up, trying to hide how he was lightheaded from the sudden assault of his cardiovascular system.
"I think I can handle it, D." Leo said, dry, and pointed firmly to the pot still in the middle of the room. It had a growing thin film of ice over the surface. "I met your terms. Drink."
"I want to see." Donnie excused, and gestured for Leo to hurry up.
The tension didn't leave Leo's jaw. He heaved the net bag over his shoulder and took the excess ice outside.
A wide expanse of nothing and stars took Donnie's breath away. So much potential danger in every inch of existence, impossible to scour every nook of darkness to spot an approach. Crawling ant feeling. Donnie wished he could relax. He hadn't been on edge for this long before, it was making him light headed. Or maybe that was the dehydration.
Leo showed him with sarcastic fanfare the little alcove in the rocky cave. They loaded the extra ice there, four hands making the work quick, keeping one piece to boil.
Donnie let the purple construct net dissolve into the dreary atmosphere. Back inside the cave, brother firmly at his side, Leo nudged him towards the pot.
As much as Donnie would love to stick to his guns and only drink water that they'd fetched, it was a moot point. And he was so fucking thirsty. A cottony layer scratching his throat with every swallow, a full body desire for exactly what he was holding. He plucked the thin layer of ice off the top and drank the blissfully cool water underneath, blazing a path through the desert of his esophagus. The shock of cold seized his stomach and he had to stop and breath through not immediately puking.
"Heat it up again?" Leo suggested.
That was a reasonable request, even if now he had the water in his hands the urge to chug until he finished was much stronger. It took a remarkable level of self-restraint to lower the pot and configure his construct induction camping stove, adding in his little sliver of ice from the top. Then another chunk from the block they brought inside.
The two watched it boil in silence. Leo's eyes were eerily distant, far away, and Donnie couldn't help but reach out and tug on the tails of his dirtied mask.
"Hey." Donnie said, voice far softer than he thought he could ever sound. "Angry at me?"
"Hm." Leo focused his gaze on Donnie and gave his sweet and shy smile. "Angry at me?"
Of course, when Donnie's hell was Leo walking away from him, then Leo's hell was people he loved being angry at him. How cruel that even with everything, they could still manage to be each other's personal torture.
"I love you, Leo." Donnie replied, with his whole chest, because whether or not he was still angry didn't matter. This was what mattered. "That's why I'm here."
Leo swallowed. It clicked in his throat, and that worry made his gaze dull and pupils small. "And what if loving me is what kills you?"
"Then it's better than the alternative." Donnie told him, fiercely.
It didn't stick, bouncing right off. Leo shook his head and fidgeted with the photo still tucked in his belt. The water began to boil, so Donnie added another piece.
He had no idea how to make himself more clear. It was obvious Leo was only listening to what he wanted to hear. The ice bobbed in circles in the boiling water, dissolving fast. Condensation filling the low ceiling. Donnie wished he could absorb the moisture from the air and not lose a precious drop.
"What do you think they wrote?" Leo asked, sudden.
It took only a moment to connect the dots, but Donnie was vindicated that their shared twin braincell was running as strong as ever. Leo was also hung up on the repetitive word written in blood on the walls. One last dying message, impossible to decode with their resources. But gnawing at both of their brains, apparently.
"I couldn't guess." Donnie said, honestly, because the sheer lack of data made it impossible.
Leo kept his too-far away gaze on the roiling pot. "What would you write?"
"Hm." That was hard. "Assuming I'm doomed to die, you mean?"
"Yeah." Leo shifted uncomfortably. "I guess."
"Exactly what I already said." Donnie shrugged, the emotion of it a fist in his dry throat. The painful blazed path of icy water. "I love you."
Leo blinked rapidly, though his eyes didn't shine with tears. There was something hidden in his face when he said, "Yeah. Me too."
Through the steam on the other side, maybe Leo had thought he wouldn't see, or maybe he had no idea he was subconsciously doing it -- but he signed his real answer, a fist in a circle against his chest. I'm sorry.
Notes:
more art sobs tysm!!! here
Chapter Text
The water was still warm when Donnie drank it, but he could hardly wait any longer. The overfilled feeling sloshed around inside him, but it was fine. It was better than fine because it was water.
They shuffled around their shitty nest, the scratchy burlap giving them a layer between the hard floor. They had a small stand off, when Leo settled down and offered his legs for Donnie to use as a pillow again.
Donnie stared at him. Leo stared back.
"Come on, dude. You said you were cold." Leo coaxed, narrowing his eyes, throwing that claim back in Donnie's face just a little.
He had said that. And it was true -- hanging out in the cold temperatures was really taking a toll on him, seemingly no reprieve from the constant chill seeping into his skin. The temptation to curl up on his brother's lap and just sink into their make-shift nest was high.
"Can we not have every single fucking thing in this place a fight?" Leo tried again, voice going just a little weaker when he added, "Please?"
"Sigh." Donnie verbalized, sitting beside his twin. "We really should've played more co-op games."
The two of them loved to play anything where someone would win. Chess, of course, but also video game shooters, Monopoly, and even Twister. Competitive to the max, especially against each other. They both wanted their own way.
And yet, when they did play co-op games -- there was one summer they relentlessly tried to beat Left 4 Dead -- together they could clear every level as soon as they found a rhythm. They just needed to do that. The push and pull of their strengths and weaknesses. To take the competitiveness and make it us versus the world instead.
Though it was one thing to jump between a zombie to protect his brother in a video game while he laughed his ass off beside him at their misfortune, it was another to have to see the discoloured bruise on the side of Leo's actual face when he turned just the right way in the light.
It made Donnie's stomach swirl with the metallic water like a washing machine. He busied himself tugging all the scraps around them, trying to make them maybe a little warm. What a joke.
"How are you doing?" Leo asked, clearing his throat.
"You mentioned the Nyan Cat song and it has been playing in my head non-stop." Donnie told him. "How are you?"
Leo tried to imitate the meows. It didn't come out right.
Donnie knocked their shoulders together with a chuckle. "Really, Nardo."
"Really." Leo cut himself off, bumping their shoulders in echo. "Lie down. You must be exhausted from being so pissed at me."
He wasn't exactly wrong. Donnie stared at the bruised side of his face, because his brother wasn't looking at him, and said, "If you take first watch will you try to sleep second?"
The yield was the word try because they both knew how this worked.
"I'll try." Leo agreed, accepting the concession.
Donnie laid down. He shuffled the fabric scraps a little until Leo's hand joined and got him properly settled. Like he was tucking him in. Like Dad's hand was there too, fussing over his boys. An emotion joined the fray. Sad? Different than that. Grief? That made no sense.
The silence made his ears ring. Tinnitus too distracting to sleep. Then Leo, his hand still on Donnie's shoulder, began to hum something.
"Is that supposed to be Nyan Cat?" Donnie mumbled, because it was all stuttering and mushed together.
"It's a remarkably hard song to hum." Leo whispered back. "Thanks for that, by the way."
"You brought it up first." Donnie complained.
"Yeah, yeah. Go to sleep, genius."
Too fond. Donnie listened to him decide on something else to hum. It might've been 'Here Comes a Thought' from Steven Universe. Donnie silently filled in the words to the tune. You've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
Sap. Donnie gave a little smile hidden where he was hugging Leo's legs as a pillow and managed to let sleep take over.
Donnie did not have pleasant dreams. They were inarticulate, and he kept gasping awake, cold sweat and shaking hands. It was almost more exhausting than not trying to sleep at all, but each time Leo was right there, humming a different song. Encouraging him to try and get a little more rest.
"Stop letting that brain run so far away from you." Leo whispered, rubbing the chill off Donnie's biceps, obsessively tugging their makeshift blanket back over to cover him again.
"You love my brain." Donnie argued, barely coherent, cheek smushed. The dregs of sleep clinging to him, drawing him back down into the nightmares. No reprieve, not even in rest.
"Not when it's hurting you." Leo said, soft. If it weren't for the curdles of anxiety in his stomach, the pervasive cold that only seemed more stark in comparison to the scraps they'd cobbled together on the floor with every shift or movement to let that cold leak into their bubble, and the pain that lived in his ribs -- it almost could be the two of them at home.
Donnie or Leo's room, it never mattered. There was a huge purple dragon Squishmellow on Donnie's bed that was only there to be Leo's pillow when he visited. Leo hated weighted blankets because they made him claustrophobic, but there was still an extra one stashed underneath his bed that Donnie would drag out and inevitably wallop Leo with in his struggle to get it on the bed.
The run of a fan, white noise and air flow. The hum of it reassuring in its consistency -- Donnie loved consistency. The measured temperature of the sewers, always little damp even with all his Genius Built heating and air purifying.
Donnie's room had his big dark duvet cover, the kind that was puffy and down-filled, easy to wrap himself up like a burritello. The two of them didn't share blankets, not since they were little kids, as it led to far too much kick fighting. But that didn't mean that the heavy weight of his twin, the too-warm of bundled blankets side by side. Leo always ended up crossing a leg over his. Donnie sometimes drew Leo's arm into his duvet bubble to clutch like a teddy bear.
In Donnie's room lit by violet tracklights, in Leo's room smelling of the sandalwood candles he loved, or conked out on the couch after a long mission to the giggles of their family taking pictures. It could've been with the warm background noise, Splinter's distant TV chatter, the reassuring clangs of Mikey cooking up a storm in the kitchen, or Raph creaking open the door to find where the wayward twin had gone during his rounds and relaxing with a sigh when he saw them together.
There was absolutely none of that. None of those comforts, only the voice of his twin humming him a soft little song and his shared warmth. But that comfort had been the biggest constant in his life, in dark rooms and couch cushions and med bays. The Leo that Donnie saw most in the dead of night, the gentle, the delirious, the warm. Dissecting his dreams with him, both of them staring at the ceiling picking blanket threads, talking about the past, talking about the future.
Tears stung the corners of his eyes, as the nightmares bled into reality, as he thought too long and too hard in the in-between stasis of awake and asleep how he would've lost that Leo of his.
"Aw, shoot." Leo curled closer, cold fingers wiping away Donnie's tears. "What are you crying about, D? Everything's okay."
Donnie sniffed hugely and shifted to open his arms in ask for a hug. With a couple hours of sleep under his belt, he felt awful for being pissed at Leo. And maybe a little hurting and tired and scared. He didn't want to be the one to hurt Leo, he'd just -- he'd been so scared when Leo left him alone.
He'd been so scared that Leo wasn't going to come back.
Leo gamely wrapped his arms around Donnie, giving him a squeeze and a big palm rubbing on his shell, which was bare? Oh damn it, his battle shell must've despawned when he'd lost focus in his sleep. That wasn't great to learn.
Donnie hiccuped loudly in Leo's ear. The last nightmare had been reaching and reaching and reaching for Leo in an endless void and never making contact. He felt like shit for screaming at Leo earlier, for pushing him, for giving him that heartbroken expression on his face. He trembled and held on, trying to convey all of that in a hug.
"Jesus Christ, you're a needy motherfucker." Leo teased in his ear, even with that same soft soft soft voice. "Why are you crying, huh? Hey, hey. Look at me. Hey, shh, look at me."
Donnie blinked, trying to clear the blurry tears, Leo holding him just far enough away to see his winning reassuring smile. Best given to a Mikey during injections, a Raph after being left alone, and a Donnie anytime he'd past the tipping point into dreaded crying.
Donnie hated crying. It was miserable and gross and an unfortunate consequence of having a body. Leo knew that he hated it, and he also could immediately and almost with telepathic accuracy pinpoint the reason for his upset. He said, eyes wide and earnest and sincere, "I'm fine, Donatello. Take a deep breath, okay?"
"Get out of my head." Donnie complained, wet and whining, not wanting to look at his stupid twin and his stupid earnest face, burying himself in the hug again.
"You're sleepy and sad, of course that's what your genius brain is running." Leo said, tucking Donnie underneath his chin. "I think I've heard enough of your dreams over the years to guess, let's see. You're losing me? How about that whole, feet stuck in the sand thing? That one always recurs for you. Hm, what else. You're thinking about how much of a mean bitch you were to me today. Well, don't worry, Tello. I forgave you already, because you're my mean bitch."
Donnie hiccuped a barely-there laugh, and he could just feel the smile Leo pressed into the top of his bandana.
"Yeah. Thought so." Leo said, quietly. "You forgive me too, right?"
"I was just scared." Donnie rasped.
The quiet blanketed them, only broken by Donnie's hitched breath. Then Leo held him almost painfully tighter and whispered, "Yeah, I get that. Don't worry."
Donnie thought of what he was sure was going through Leo's mind at the same moment -- a pink tentacle holding Leo up by the throat, and Leo saying, 'you weren't mad, you were scared'.
The tears slowed by virtue that he could feel Leo clutching him tight. He hadn't lost him yet. And Donnie maybe managed to get some more rest, not listening to the echoing endless silence of the void, but to the heartbeat he could hear through Leo's plastron. He kept his ear pressed there, and the sound followed him into his dreams.
The disorientating feeling that there was no morning, there was no night, it was the endless black with stars only to light the way. But it must've been quite a while later when Donnie woke.
"I love you so much, my brother." Leo whispered into the dim of their cave. "But I seriously have to pee."
Ah. So did Donnie, actually. All the water they'd consumed yesterday was great, but did have some minor repercussions. Whatever, his dreams still hadn't been particularly pleasant, but at least he felt like he'd slept a lot longer this time.
All his muscles ached when they got up, organizing a designated bathroom and boiling some more water. Donnie kept yawning and rubbing his eyes as he worked on the stove, crusty and uncomfortable from crying. His stomach hurt the most today, eclipsing the pain in his ribs by a mile. He was so hungry it wasn't even funny anymore. The two of them drank their fill of water, that stark metallic taste nothing to quell the way it bubbled and churned without food.
Admittedly, Donnie's usual problems with food were sensory in nature. But since he had a loving family, he never went hungry, because if there was something he couldn't eat, they would go out of their way to find him something he would. Occasionally he'd have bouts of reduced appetite in times of change, but he'd never experienced prolonged and dedicated hunger like this.
It made Donnie feel supremely out of sync with his body, and frustrated that he couldn't hit a 'remind me later' on the relentless hunger signal. He knew. He would fix it if he could.
"Your turn." Donnie told Leo, once they'd had their 'breakfast' of still-warm water, like a cup of the world's worst tea. At least it provided a little warmth.
"Mmkay." Leo agreed, eyelids sticking tiredly. That was a fairly promising sign, that maybe he'd actually sleep. The depletion of his ninpo still really needed to be replenished, and it was never going to happen if Leo didn't rest.
Donnie took his spot as pillow in the nest and let Leo curl up on his legs. He fussed over the scraps, trying to get them in some kind of protective barrier between Leo and the cold. Leo's eyes were closed but he was too-still to be asleep.
Donnie was right when Leo spoke, throat clicking with the effort of speaking, "Do you know what I was thinkin' about?"
"What's that?" Donnie asked, keeping his voice down as a reminder that his idiot twin was meant to be sleeping.
"Mm... when you grabbed my sword, what happened to the other one?"
Donnie ran his mind back through the frantic adrenaline filled haze, and said, "It fell back to Earth, I believe."
"That's what I was hopin'." Leo shifted closer, brow twitching in thought. "I was thinking about how... of course I can't break out, we don't have the key. But maybe there's some kind of loophole since we've got one sword here and one sword there. Do you think?"
"I haven't the faintest idea." Donnie replied, because this was magic, and that was not his domain. He leaned over a bit, tapping Leo's arm in reminder. "But whatever you want to try, you'll need energy to do that. You have to sleep."
Leo exhaled a sigh, deflating gently. A few minutes later, he finally snuffled in sleep, pulling Donnie closer, hiding his face.
Donnie relearned that this was the worst part, the haunting silence, the fact that he was only left with the sound of his own blood pounding through his veins. That he was alone and responsible for watching over his twin's rest. The paranoia sunk into his bones, staring at the distant exit of the cave, convinced that it would light up red, that there would be a sudden visitor and they'd be caught lacking.
This was awful. Plato, how could Leo stand it? Though judging by his mumblings before he went to sleep, he was actually beginning to think of ways to get them out of there. Donnie wished he had any kind of mystic knowledge that would help, but really the best he had was: yeah sure the swords are connected to each other, but what did that mean empirically?
Nothing useful to Donnie. He was helpless, reliant on his twin's powers and strategic brain. He had the utmost faith in Leo, he just wasn't sure if there was an escape. If they were looking for something where there was nothing. If they were just going to get killed in the process.
A hysterical laugh tried to bubble up his throat and Donnie swallowed it hard. Well, they were going to get killed either way. So.
Donnie needed something to occupy his mind or he was going to lose it. He decided to list every element on the periodic table and its atomic number. But that barely took any time at all. Leo started to grind his teeth loudly again, the asshole. Donnie rested his palm on Leo's jaw, pretending it might help, but instead gave him the mechanical feedback of the motion his twin was inflicted on his own enamel. Gross. He started to count by prime numbers.
That was better.
At the point where he was at 28,697, Leo stirred for the first time. Judging by some quick mental math, Donnie could assume he'd been counting for just over three hours, which meant he had to convince Leo to go back to sleep.
"Aw." Leo said, muffled, curling closer and knocking some of his nest scraps off.
"Aw?" Donnie prompted, keeping his voice low.
"I was dreamin' about Mike and Raph." Leo sounded so terribly disappointed.
"Go back to sleep. Maybe they'll still be there." Donnie encouraged.
"Hmmm." Leo squeezed his eyes shut tighter. "You're okay if I sleep more?"
"I am literally begging you to sleep more." Donnie replied, dry.
"Mmkay. I tell 'em you said hi."
"You do that."
Leo breathed in and out. He was gone again.
Donnie picked up where he left off. 28,703... 28,711... 28,723...
The second time Leo woke, at 72,689, he didn't even sound awake when he asked, "You okay?"
"I'm okay." Donnie said.
That was apparently all Leo needed, as he went back to sleep. Donnie kept his eyes on the door and his mind on finding the next prime number, which was 72,701.
Donnie didn't have a good measure of time anymore, because it took him an inconsistent length to determine the next prime. But it was at 93,053 that Leo stirred for the third and final time. He blinked up and rasped dazedly, "I feel like I died."
"I don't think I've seen you sleep that long in years." Donnie admitted. "You didn't even seem to have nightmares, lucky bastard."
"I think I was dreaming I was home, which might be worse." Leo sat up and scrubbed at his eyes. "Damn, aren't your legs cramped?"
"Horribly." Donnie said, but it didn't matter. Between the hunger and the paranoia and the boredom, legs cramps were just another kick in the teeth in the beating of miseries. "I'll add it your bill."
Judging by the flash of darkness on Leo's face that he swiftly suffocated, Donnie mentally tabbed that joke as 'not funny', even when Leo gave him a laugh for it.
Donnie heated up a little more water, hard to deny when it was the only thing they had to sustain themselves. He was thinking about how his initial dread of the water situation, that it was only accessible via portal and therefore isolated Donnie from the water source -- had a flip on the other side. That without Donnie, there would be no way for Leo to melt the water for drinking. Two interconnected parts in a machine. Impossible to separate without breaking the other. It was almost poetic.
"How's your ribs?" Leo asked, reaching to press fingertips against his plastron.
"They're okay." Donnie raised his arms and took a deep breath while Leo listened. There was no wet or rattle. "How's your head?"
The bruising had moved past the dark purples and greens into a sickly yellow. Leo said, "I don't even feel it. Does it still look bad?"
"It's yellow now." Donnie reported, factual.
"Ah, bilirubin. I'll be fine. And your ribs seem okay."
"That's what I told you."
Leo cracked a little smile and let go. It wavered. "What about your ninpo?"
It had been a few days since he'd poured it out like a tap in an attempt to desperately fly into the portal. It wasn't nearly as precarious.
"As far as I can tell with limited input, my ninpo is behaving at optimal levels."
"You mean it's totally Gucci?"
"Yes, it is totally Gucci." Donnie deadpanned, just to make Leo smile.
Which he did, even if it was the anxious one, wound up.
Donnie turned the question on him. "How does yours feel?"
Leo hummed, the small smile dropping, and looking away to rub the back of his neck. "Maybe a little less than Gucci."
"Prada?"
The chuckle had little humour. "Something like that. If we do want to try to get home again, we should conserve our portal usage so I can get a bit more power."
"You were thinking about trying to connect to your other sword, you said." Donnie recalled the conversation they had right before Leo went to sleep.
"It's just a thought." Leo chewed on his lip, then sighed. "What do you think? I know we need food."
The whole food thing was making every other thought harder, actually. A tight, pained ache that ground his stomach even with the water. His knees were a little weak and his heart felt a bit fluttery. "We don't have to use portals to look around. We could use my ninpo."
"You can't portal." Leo said, blankly. Then immediately shook his head, "Jesus, sorry, I've got hunger brain. Of course, we could fly. Right."
"Not as fast, but requires much less output." Donnie set up his battle shell again with summoned flight mode, feeling the drain on his resources but nothing that would take him out. "We can scout as we move, and keep an eye out for anything approaching us."
"And if they do, we portal back." Leo finished the plan, the easy back and forth, nodding. "Yeah. That'll work. Do you want to go now?"
"Got something better to do?"
"Heh." Leo straightened and stretched, following Donnie out of the mouth of their cave.
The vast expanse filled the world around them in all directions. That incredibly small feeling momentarily choked Donnie before he shelved it as unhelpful.
"How do you want to do this?" Leo asked. "Do I get the cool rider you give April?"
"I'd prefer not to strain my ninpo with unnecessary constructions." Donnie gave Leo an evil smirk. "Lois Lane?"
"I hate you, actually." Leo said, frank. "Plus, dude, your ribs."
"You just determined my ribs are doing fine." Donnie refused to waver, opening out his hands in offer. The yawning stars felt like they were swirling around their location, the speck of rock floating in the middle of nothing.
"Fine, but not great." Leo scowled.
"Oh, alright, shall I just leave you behind, then?" Donnie said, which was entirely a bluff that they both knew was a bluff, only intended to poke a hole in Leo's objection.
"If your ribs start to hurt I'm portalling us back immediately." Leo thrust a finger in Donnie's face, scowling.
Donnie's ribs already hurt, but he certainly wasn't about to volunteer that information. "Noted. Please come abroad the Donatello Express, train is leaving the station."
Leo hammed up an annoyed sigh, then wrapped his arms around Donnie's neck, bracing his weight as Donnie curled arms up under his legs, scooping him up.
Okay, that did hurt his ribs a little. Donnie put all his years of practice watching Leo paint a face on in order to try and keep his own placid and unbothered. He lifted off the ground with a push of his ninpo, helped by the floating gravity that carried them effortlessly through the air.
Donnie chose a random direction to fly in, since anywhere was just as likely to be helpful as anywhere else. Leo hung onto his neck, too quiet, staring at nothing quite intently.
"Going back to sleep?" Donnie said, trying to break the trance.
"Hm?" Leo shook his head. "Sorry. Do you think we'll find anything?"
"Impossible to guess." Donnie said, surveying the swaths of nothing they were exploring, floating faster by a gentle jet-power from his battle shell. "But we have to look, otherwise it's Schrodinger's cat."
Leo hummed. After a moment, he said, "I disagree."
Donnie raised a smudged eyebrow. "Oh? Do tell."
Leo kept his eyes outwards on their passing beautiful scenery of nothing. "You told me about him before. He's the one that locked his cat in the trunk of his car, right?"
"It's a box. But yes." Donnie ranted once or twice about it, and Leo had evidently listened to some of it.
"You said the point is that the cat is both alive and dead at the same time until you open it and discover which."
"Quantum superposition." Donnie agreed. "Both are true until reality resolves into one possibility or another."
"Right. But in our situation, you can only resolve one side. If we find food, then yes, there is food in hell. But if we don't..."
"It would be nearly impossible to get negative proof." Donnie understood what his twin was trying to say.
It opened up a larger, haunting idea: that they could search forever and ever and still miss it. But they wouldn't search forever and ever, because they didn't have forever. They very much had a time limit.
"It's not as easy as opening the trunk and finding out the answer." Leo said, voice distant again.
Donnie shifted his grip on Leo's legs and shell. "It is definitely a box and not the trunk of a car, Leon."
"Hm?" Leo blinked and then chuckled. "Oh, I must be thinking of that joke."
"What's the joke?"
Leo told him the joke of Schrodinger being pulled over and the police officer asking if he knew he had a dead cat in the trunk, to which he replied, 'well, I do now!'. Donnie barked a laugh because it was stupid, and he liked the way Leo looked so pleased when Donnie laughed.
They flew through more nothing. A piece of empty rock floated by, barren and useless.
"I don't wanna be a cat." Leo spoke up, after a period of silence.
"Congratulations then, because you're a turtle." Donnie said, around the pain in his trachea. He was pretty sure he knew what Leo was talking about, and he didn't want to pursue that avenue of thought.
"You know what I mean." Leo replied, vaguely grumpy. Sounding far away, somewhere else.
Because he was thinking of home. Where their whole family had no idea if they were alive or dead. As far as they were concerned, both realities were true. And they had no way to communicate with them that they were still alive, that they were okay.
Well. As okay as could be expected. Leo was being way too quiet and somber, it was driving Donnie a little up the wall.
"We're gonna get home." Donnie said, attempting to sound sure.
"Heh." Leo tipped his head back into Donnie's and met his gaze in a side eye. "What's this unbridled optimism I'm hearing? Where's my cynical twin gone?"
"We are both going to get home." Donnie told him, managing it to be firmer.
A beat of silence hanging between them. Another floating rock of useless nothing.
"What makes you think that? Where's your evidence?" Leo asked, voice a little choked.
"Right here with me." Donnie tightened his grip. "So don't go anywhere, okay?"
A breath shuddered through Leo. He didn't reply.
They flew. There wasn't much to see. They passed more floating rocks, destroyed pieces of ships, and nothing nothing nothing. They maybe should've brought some water, because Donnie felt weak even with the gravity assist on carrying his brother.
The two explored for hours and hours. They did eventually move on from painful conversations into dissecting the plot of Jupiter Jim movies, because there was never a lack of ammunition on that and they had finally found boredom in the relentless nothingless of this hell.
There was a big landmass again, this time with dirt and rocks slammed together, large enough that it warranted landing on and exploring. Donnie was grateful for the break after the extended flight, stretching out his ribs and feeling the breathless punch of it.
"Okay?" Leo asked, looking intently at his face.
"Peachy." Donnie lied, poorly, and deflected by turning to inspect the rock they landed on. "What do you think? Maybe we'll find space mushrooms."
"You hate mushrooms." Leo pointed out reasonably, having eaten the mushrooms Donnie piled on the corner of his plate for their whole lives.
"I'm just not sure what else there would possibly be in this wasteland to eat." Donnie admitted. It wasn't like there was natural water anywhere, which was commonly what created life.
"We'd maybe have better luck if we could find another non-Kraang ship." Leo said, but there wasn't much hope in his voice. "Let's just check this rock out, then we can keep moving."
Donnie explored the surface, indeed keeping an eye out for mushrooms. They crossed onto the other side, the spin of gravity, the weightless nothing, providing them with more and more nothing. Donnie tried not to let the helplessness consume him, but all evidence was pointing elsewhere. A fruitless search, no definitive way to get a negative proof to tell them they were wasting their time.
"Hey D, wanna take up eating dirt again?" Leo called, from where he was knelt over and running his fingers through a pile of it.
"Again--?" Donnie replied, scandalized that Leo would insinuate such a thing, only for the words to falter and die swiftly. A red light back-lit his twin, the twitch of an approaching figure, looming.
All Donnie could manage was a chirp of sheer fear that broke past his throat.
Leo's head snapped up, looking at Donnie first, then following his gaze to whip around and see Prime striding towards them.
Notes:
:D
Chapter Text
For all that Donnie had been waiting and waiting and waiting and holding his breath and waiting for this to happen, there was no way to cope with the reality, to take the surge-rush of adrenaline and actually move. His nerves were so frayed and broken, he'd skipped right to freeze instead of the far more productive fight or flight.
Luckily, in all ways that one twin faltered, the other would pick up the slack. Leo scooped up his sword and was already moving, closing the distance between himself and Donnie, markings flaring up in a flash of ninpo, sheer determination on his face -- grim and panicked at once.
"There are you are." Prime moved like lightning, blink and miss it, darting forward and rearing back sharp claws.
"Donnie!" Leo said, voice high, stumbling in his effort.
The terrified trance broke, and Donnie reached out to the hand already grasping his, the twins like planets in orbit, turning to tumble into the portal that Leo summoned.
Except Donnie felt gravity fight him, ripping him away from his twin -- yanked by the pierce of pain shooting up his leg in a tear of agony. A helpless cry escaped his mouth before he could stop it, scrambling with fingernails scratching Leo in his effort to hold on.
The safety of the blue portal vanished back to the dirt and rock and endless sky, and the blinding red light shining on him. And a smirk of pink slime, looking down -- wait up? Inverted, the dirt flew up and the sky flew down.
Warmth poured up his leg, because he was being hung upside down by the claws piercing his calf. The shock of the last few seconds had his head spinning, and he remembered to breathe, inhaling sharp.
"You are truly the most troublesome creatures I've ever encountered." Prime snarled, undoubtedly annoyed.
Donnie lurched up, yanking at the claws in his leg, breath coming quick and hot. He called backwards, voice unstable, but not capable of twisting far enough to see his twin, "Leo!"
"I'm here." Leo stepped forward, sword out, markings bright, facing down Prime with a set jaw and narrowed eyes.
Prime scoffed, but didn't have a moment to speak as Leo was already charging him, sword slashing at top speed, forcing Prime to dodge.
Donnie was jostled and unceremoniously tossed to the side. He tumbled, bashing his teeth against the rocks and splitting his teeth into his lip. Everything spun at top speed in a delay.
"Pathetic." Prime spat, somewhere to Donnie's disorientated left. He leveraged up on his elbow, heart thudding, spotting the hellion of his brother attacking Prime with everything he had. A flash of blue, of cut eyes, pouncing forward and leaping out of the way at each swing.
The sight of Leo fighting Prime again had Donnie's heart lurching. His leg was a dead weight, the ankle twisted in a way that made his stomach drop and the damp gush of blood making the world swim.
Donnie had to help, even if he couldn't move and he couldn't run. He drew from the battery inside him, the one that felt like atoms moving in a battery, but maybe also like the burst in his chest when he laughed, the bubbles that popped when he stimmed, like family -- and summoned a purple glock.
"Back, L!" Donnie called, waiting the moment for Leo to take the cue and dance backwards. Just in time for Prime to step into that space, which Donnie filled with screaming violet bullets. Putting all the fury and fear into the construction, into the composition of gunpowder summoned by sheer force of will, because Donnie was sheer force of will. He was stubbornness and pride and winning. He would win. He shot the fucker in his stupid face, sending him stumbling back two steps.
"Sorry, can't stay to chat!" Leo called, flying back into a handspring that flung him into a portal. "Dinner date to keep, you know how it is --"
Leo appeared beside Donnie in a flash of blue, the gun still up and fixed on Prime.
"You can't run forever!" Prime roared, a burst of dust as he charged at them once more. Another bullet bit his face, Donnie's determined glare down the sight of the weapon. "Once I get that sword, you'll see--"
His words dissolved as Leo swallowed them in a portal, the flood of blue ninpo as welcome as the hands clutching him tight.
The landing wasn't very soft. Donnie arched up, inhaling hard, the world still spinning. Purple crystals bursting and disappearing.
"Sorry, sorry, one more jump. I didn't wanna go straight back in case he managed to tag along." Leo muttered. "Do you need me to wait a second?"
"Go." Donnie said, through gritted teeth.
Another flip-flop of his stomach. The world tilted and settled onto burlap. Donnie pulled his leg up to his chest, shaking as he felt the slippery blood and -- and --
"Don't touch." Leo breathed. "Your hands aren't clean."
"Neither are yours." Donnie hissed back. There was a wall of shock between him and the pain, but it was right there. He took another breath. He looked down.
First of all, his ankle was definitely twisted, if not broken. He didn't need to be a medic to know that much. Then the deep gouges were steadily leaking blood, dark trails of it in both directions -- partially up his leg, from being hung upside down, and the rest down his leg, from gravity. It didn't look real.
"When was my last tetanus shot?" Donnie said, because he hysterically remembered listening to Leo's infodump on the subject in the middle of the night a few months ago.
He'd been trying to break the tension, however Leo took him completely seriously. "I gave you a tetanus shot less than a year ago, when you stepped on a nail at the scrap yard. We need to stop the bleeding."
"Awesome." Donnie breathed, because he was just as aware as Leo that they had absolutely nothing sterile to put on it. "What's the plan?"
Leo's shaking hands flew to his head and he stood there staring at Donnie's leg for a moment, breathing hard. He said, "I don't -- you could get an infection if we use any of this stupid fabric."
"Boil it?" Donnie suggested.
"Ten minutes at least before it would be anything useful." Leo's hands twitched desperately towards Donnie but then tucked them back towards his plastron, expression agonized. "Do you feel like bleeding out for ten minutes?"
"I'm not bleeding out." Donnie scoffed, utterly breathless. Maybe a little light-headed.
"You're sure as hell not bleeding in." Leo snapped, chest heaving. Then shook his head. "Why can't I think? I need to make a decision. Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"Use the fabric right now. Then boil something for after." Donnie told him, making his voice as firm as he could when he felt like he was being repeatedly dunked underwater.
"You're the one who has the power to boil, and you're injured. And we're away from him, but who knows how far? What if he sees the steam?" Leo said, and stalked away from Donnie, smacking his own head in frustration.
"Stop that." Donnie decided he was done waiting and grabbed some burlap that didn't look too burnt and braced it on either side of the punctures to press down.
Ah. There was the pain. A cry broke past, bit back as quickly as he made it, but Leo was already whirling around.
"Stop freaking out." Donnie repeated, meeting his eye with his manufactured steel, pushed through gritted teeth. "Where's my medic? You never lose your cool like this."
"I'm not a medic!" Leo replied, eyes wild, stumbling as he came to kneel beside his twin and take over the pressure since it was already started. "I'm just some stupid kid who's dragged you in here to get an infection and die."
"I'll remind you that you did zero dragging me anywhere." Donnie said, trying very hard to sound like he had any semblance of control in this moment. He needed Leo to think this wasn't as bad as it was.
Leo ignored him, settling to pull Donnie's leg into his lap and applying careful, steady pressure.
Okay. They couldn't both lose it. Donnie breathed in a steady cycle, trying to push back the panicky shock-fear that the pain was shooting up in hot waves, trying to calm down enough to make Leo stop freaking out. He sucked the blood of his mouth from where he'd smacked his lip against his teeth, the taste of it turning his stomach. It wasn't like he really could afford more blood loss at the moment, with how much was pooled on the ground and soaking the burlap.
Stop looking at the blood. Donnie looked at Leo instead, his twin a little scuffed but otherwise whole and unharmed. The bruise on the side of his face still the same yellow-green. Their breathing was syncing up, so Donnie kept his steady and slow.
"Leonardo." Donnie said, when he was confident both of them actually had air in their lungs.
"Donatello." Leo replied, with only a little shake in his voice this time.
"You're the medic. Ask me all your questions. Come on, I know they're rattling around in that hamster wheel brain somewhere."
Leo didn't smile. But he did move, bracing one side of the injury with his knee to keep the pressure and freeing up a hand. He touched Donnie's toes and said, "Can you feel that?"
"Yes." Donnie relaxed, in more ways than one. At Leo being more himself, and at the fact that he genuinely still could feel that.
"I can see the blood on your chin, did you bite your tongue?"
Donnie inspected the wound and despite the repeated flood of copper in his saliva, he was pretty sure it was just his teeth having made a wonderful mark. "Just smacked my lip."
"Did you knock your head on the way down?" Leo's voice started to level out a little bit. He went through his concussion questions, which was extra fun when neither of them knew what day it was.
They moved onto setting his ankle. Hard to determine without an x-ray, but going through Leo's checklist they crossed their fingers that it was only twisted and Leo cracked it back into place. Donnie let himself swear as loud as he wanted, because it was an acceptable substitute to screaming. At least he knew it was coming. Leo told him to stay off it as much as he could. Donnie would be happy to, as long as no aliens started chasing him again.
"Do you feel like you could boil some water?" Leo asked, much calmer, glancing around their feeble little cave.
"I think I can manage that." Donnie was still more breathless from the pain than he really wanted, and the cold atmosphere felt nice on the wound even if it did make the ache feel every inch of how deep it was.
They shuffled around. Donnie held the pressure while Leo fetched the pot and some ice, and then they traded back again so Donnie could run his purple ninpo camping stove.
The first batch was for drinking. Donnie was eager to get the taste of blood out of his mouth, but Leo looked vaguely ill and shook his head when offered the pot.
"You finish it." Leo said. "I'm fine. I had some earlier."
Donnie stared at him. "Don't be an idiot."
"But I'm so good at it." Leo grinned, all his teeth. "Okay, okay, here give it then."
They juggled the pot, the pressure on Donnie's leg, and Leo took a few sips. Then he offered the pot back and Donnie wasn't even sure if he'd even taken any into his mouth.
"Finish it." Leo insisted, and there was a touch of desperation in his voice.
Donnie caved, if only because it was easier, and there was more ice if Leo got thirsty later. He finished the batch and they started again, this time cutting up the burlap and boiling it for over ten minutes.
Then waited for it to cool down enough to place against Donnie's skin. He stared at the float of steam. Leo was just so eerily quiet, even if he was calm now. That near-distant stare over Donnie's shoulder. His hands kept a constant pressure, keeping Donnie's leg in his lap, like he was holding it hostage. It made him think of wrestling on the bedroom floor, trying to flip the other, laughing until Splinter banged on the door for them to keep it down or he'd miss his show.
"What are you thinking about?" Donnie asked, because that stare was haunting him a little, and it wasn't the first time he wished he could crawl inside Leo's head with him. Middle of the night, insomniac eyes on the ceiling when Donnie rolled over, the easy lie falling from his lips when asked.
"Just thinking." Leo said, shaking his head. "How's the pain?"
It was a hot scary feeling catching his breath at the crest of every inhale, the knowledge of the claws piercing him, the knowledge of infection and the floppy useless ankle that had swelled up even after Leo set it. The actual physical pain sucked, but Donnie could survive that. It was more what the pain meant for their future. He didn't want to be a burden.
"It's kind of like when I stepped on that nail." Donnie said, because that same intrusive bad wrong-wrong-wrong sensation from a foreign material piercing your body. "Except maybe a bit worse."
"Maybe." Leo agreed, a tad weak. "Okay. This'll probably hurt, please don't hit me."
Donnie rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and digging his nails into his arms to avoid the temptation.
Leo braced the ankle first in longer straps, clinical and cool about it. Then he splashed water on his own hands before gently pulling the piece away from his wound, careful and slow. Using a scrap from the pot, he cleaned the skin surrounding before gently irrigating with the cool boiled water. Donnie kept quiet, turning his eyes up to the ceiling and breathing through his nose with purpose. Pain raced up and down his nerves, hot and panicked. He thought about hitting Leo for the bit. He didn't.
"I need to pack the wound, it's really wide." Leo said quietly. "I'm sorry, it'll hurt a lot."
"Okay." Donnie agreed, head tipped back, still keeping that even breathing.
He thought he was ready. But the pain was indeed a lot. He didn't look, not interested in what 'packing' the wound meant. It had Donnie's eyes fluttering in a way he didn't like, the world going grey and ears ringing quiet at first then louder and louder and louder and --
Passing out felt seriously gross. Like, whole body disgusting. Everything terrible and shit and Donnie didn't want to have a physical form so damn bad at this moment, because it was just the worst.
Then he remembered that Leo was there, and if he just passed out, he had left Leo alone. Before he'd even regained sight in his eyes or swum past the static of his ears, Donnie was reaching out for Leo.
Leo was right there, catching his grip. Donnie squeezed his hands, delirious and half-present but trying to convey it was okay.
"It's done, I'm done." Leo promised, nearby, a million miles away. Squeezing back, intent and hard and a little shaky. "I'm sorry. Keep breathing, bud. You held out much longer than I would've, probably."
"Not true." Donnie rasped. "You're a badass motherfucker too."
Leo gave a gravelly laugh and pressed his forehead against their intertwined hands. "Yeah. You're right. We're two badass motherfuckers."
"Of course I'm right." Donnie blinked at the ceiling, apparently prone now. His leg hurt. It hurt a lot, in a way that made it hard to think about anything else. He'd really love to have some painkillers, right about now.
"You weren't out long." Leo told him, sitting back up, like he could hear what Donnie was thinking. "But I'd stay down for a bit. It'll help your blood pressure."
"I've got nowhere else to be." Donnie said. "You should get comfy with me, though."
"Ah yes. Comfy." Leo replied, all scratchy sarcasm. But he complied, shuffling around to gather Donnie in his lap, letting his leg stay straightened out. They discussed how it should be elevated with their limited resources and ended up piling some of their pathetic scrap resources underneath.
"How's it feel?" Leo asked, like the worrying mother hen he was.
"Fantastic." Donnie said. "That was sarcasm, by the way."
"I caught that, funny enough."
"Just making sure you're keeping up with the times, dearest brother." Donnie blindly reached up to pat his cheek.
A moment passed, and Leo said, "Really, though."
"Really, really." Donnie sighed. "It's not ideal. But I think we've done the best with the resources we have. Don't you?"
That same stupid too-quiet Leo. He was thumbing at the mark on Donnie's shoulder. When he twisted up to look at his face, Donnie saw that he looked lost and troubled.
"I'm okay." Donnie added, tilting his voice up to be as reassuring as possible.
There was such a deep set tiredness on Leo, like the bags were dug under his eyelids, like he was carrying a very heavy weight and he could not put it down. When he looked down at Donnie it was all broken and sad and nothing at all like his Leo, his twin, it just... it hurt more than his stupid fucking leg.
"I'm sorry I lost my cool earlier." Leo said, the words slow and sore.
"Literally what are you even apologizing for?" Donnie still had his hand on his cheek and gave him a little pinch just where his red stripe began. "I lost my cool too, I froze when he showed up."
Leo shook his head. "It's not the same."
Donnie didn't have the energy to argue with him. He felt cold all over, wracked with a shiver. It must've been the blood loss.
"Your fingers are freezing." Leo took his hand from his face, holding it between both of his. He rubbed either side, leaning over to blow a burst of warmer breath on it.
"I can't even feel them." Donnie admitted, because even as Leo tried to warm them up it generated absolutely no feeling.
"Hm." Leo didn't sound pleased, and kept working on his fingers, switching to the other side after a while.
Donnie couldn't feel his toes either, but he didn't volunteer that. He stared at his feet as his twin took care of him, one leg bandaged with the worst supplies ever, thinking about the death sentence this was. Forget looming threat of infection, how was he meant to run if they were caught?
Something about Schrodinger's twins being both alive and dead until you open the prison dimension. But left there long enough, it was safe to assume you'd already know the answer.
[]
Mikey struggled awake, unsure and a little scared. When he blinked and resolved the world into shapes, it was to the unsettling sight of the med bay. For a moment, he thought 'who's hurt??' then he felt his entire body and realized. Ah.
He was so sore, like he pulled every muscle at once. His arms hurt so bad it wasn't funny. There was a floaty, sickening feeling in his brain, and he didn't know what happened.
Mikey fought the cottony web holding him down to turn his head. He was expecting to see Leo, hovering with his best bedside smile, smoothing a hand over Mikey's head and whispering that he was doing a great job.
He wanted Leo. He wanted Leo with such a strong sense that it overwhelmed him, scary-breathless, as if he already knew before he remembered.
Because then he remembered. And tears immediately rushed, falling from the corner of his eyes when he blinked rapidly against the sensation.
"My son." There were light, solemn footsteps, and Splinter pulled himself up to get close enough to take Mikey's hand in both of his.
"Dad." Mikey croaked, devastated.
"Oh, my son." Splinter repeated, aching with him, leaning over to kiss his fingers. They were wrapped in tight white bandages. They burnt like fire. "How do you feel?"
Never mind that. "Where -- did they -- are the twins -- ?"
The agony on Splinter's face told him everything he needed to know. His dad said, "Take a deep breath for me, my Orange."
Mikey couldn't breathe. He really couldn't, because -- they were --
Without even really trying, there was a flutter of electricity up his arms, and Mikey cried out in pain. He drew in ragged breath after ragged breath, Dad whispering encouragements in his ear, staying close. Summoning someone over.
"Hey, Master Michelangelo." Casey's smile was tired and care-worn. "You gotta watch the ninpo, okay? You really tore yourself up."
Another blink and a fresh round of tears. He croaked, "Where's Raphie?"
"I can get him." Casey assured Splinter, then left the room swiftly.
Mikey tipped his head back, feeling the leak of emotion in its relentless pour. How even the thought of Leo and Donnie and a prison dimension produced a bubble-pop of magma inside him, horrified and crushed and -- damn it, why couldn't he save them? Why wasn't he strong enough?
He couldn't catch his breath. It kept hitching in his throat, choking on it, and he wanted Donnie sit beside him and count in his cool, unbothered monotone. He wanted Donnie to be there. He wanted --
Mikey wanted so much.
Casey returned with Raph, who flew to his bedside with wild, worried eyes. "Hey, hey, I've got you, I've got you. You're okay."
Mikey definitely wasn't okay. But at least he was able to have one of the brothers he wanted so desperately, crawling up to tuck himself neatly into Raph's swallowing arms, sobbing earnestly into his plastron. Hiccuping and desperate, because -- because --
"Raphie." Mikey managed through punching sobs. "Raphie, they can't -- they can't, they can't, they can't..."
A wounded noise in the back of Raph's throat. He curled all the way around Mikey and his voice cracked when he said, "I'm sorry."
Prickles of pain erupted up his arms when he knocked them into Raph's plastron to try and move, crawling fire. He whimpered at the sensation, but pushed through, "We gotta -- we gotta try again. We can get it this time. We can."
An uncomfortable silence. Raph held him, unmoving, big warm hands and stuttering breath.
"Raph." Mikey said, despite the burning fire feeling washed with ice cold, all the way to his bones. "We have to drag them out of there. We can't leave them --"
"I know." Raph rumbled, and there was deep, thick confliction in his voice. "But --"
"There is no but." Mikey tried to push back from Raph's hold, then immediately regretted the movement, shooting a lightning bolt of agony up his arms and making his heart go fluttery and light from the path crossing his chest. A cry broke past and he tucked both arms close to himself, breathing hard.
"As much as I hate to agree with anything Baron Draxum said." Splinter spoke, grim and heartbroken, hovering closer at his cry of pain. "You cannot try again, Michelangelo."
"Bullshit." Mikey snapped. "I can and I will."
"He said it'll kill you, Mikes." Raph whispered.
Mikey should've felt more fear at the concept, instead of the punch-punch-punch of annoyance that something as stupid as mortality was going to stop him from saving his brothers. "How does he know? Maybe I can."
"Because it almost killed you, Mikey." Raph said, pained. Cradling his destroyed hands.
"Because it does kill you in my time." Casey contributed, not sounding happy about having to break that news.
Denial fought a war inside him. Mikey didn't want to believe it, not for a second.
He couldn't help this snapping anger, dangerous like a caged animal, snarling at the people who were stopping him from tearing the world apart to save his brothers.
It was all his could think about was when Leo and Donnie could get a bit running that had Mikey laughing until he was sick, or Raph carting a twin under each arm effortlessly like they were just baggage to cart around, or the photo pinned to the fridge that Raph took with shaky fingers of a young dad Splinter sleeping with a twin curled on either side of him.
There was no way they were gone. Mikey would rather die than accept that there wouldn't be any laughter, any twins for Raph to wrangle or Splinter to fuss over. It just wasn't possible. It was just -- Mikey couldn't --
Pissed off and crying was such a shit combination, it felt corrosive and crushing and hard to breathe and if Raph wasn't holding him so tenderly and tight he might've just exploded and died right there. Because. Because...
There was a huge hole in their family. Gaping, terrible, and insurmountable. There would be no coming back from that. Mikey could feel it, with his whole heart, everything inside him that they could not survive the loss of both of them.
Leo, the medic, leader, strategist, the sly grin but also the shy smile, terrible jokes, skateboard tricks, 2AM conversations and catching Mikey every single time he ran at him full speed.
Donnie, the brains, inventor, cynical, attentive, scathing but also cared more than anyone, loyal to the damn bone, lover of drama and dancing with Mikey in the kitchen.
Not them.
"Raph." Mikey pleaded, because Leo was the leader and Leo wasn't there, so that fell to Raph. He had to -- he had to understand, because he was their big brother, he'd spent his whole time trying to keep those damn twins alive, he had to be on Mikey's side.
But when Mikey pulled back enough to see Raph's face, there was a storm, a hurricane of confliction, twisted and unsettled. He said, strangled, "I don't know, Mikes. I don't--"
The cut off was choked. He buried his face in Mikey's shoulder, clinging closer to him, shaking. It was hell to see his pillar of a brother broken down, but of course he would be.
"Please." Mikey said, wrapping his arms all the way around Raph's head and squeezing hard. He whispered in his ear. "We have to try, Raph, please."
"I don't know, I don't know." Raph repeated, helpless and constricted.
"Boys." Splinter came closer to their tortured entanglement, a soft hand on either arm. He looked... He didn't look very well.
"Raph doesn't know how he's 'spose to decide." Raph shuddered all over.
"You're not." Splinter said, firm. "I'm deciding."
Mikey cut his eyes up, fear lodged in his chest. The grave tone Splinter took on did not bode well. He said, "Dad, please -- you --"
"Let me rephrase, sweetness." Splinter's eyes spoke volumes of sadness and gravity, taking Mikey's hand in his. "I have already decided."
"Pops." Raph spoke up, sounding a little like he was actively drowning. The single word was all he said, imploring, scared, lost.
Then Splinter said, "You will not try again."
"You're sentencing them to death." Mikey accused, wild with it, feeling cornered and furious and --
"Find another way." Splinter shook his head. "I believe you can find another way. We will not trade one life for another."
"For two others." Mikey reminded, snapping. "For both of them."
"Your lives are not currency." Splinter swallowed, and his bottom lip was wobbling.
Mikey knew this wasn't easy for Splinter to put his foot down on, he could feel the empathetic waves of despair from his father, it was just that his own emotions were so loud and overwhelming and -- and it was his fault that he couldn't just --
Angry, hateful words bubbled behind his tongue and Mikey bit them all back. He understood the decision, even if he disagreed with it. There was no point in lashing out, it wouldn't solve anything. He held on tighter to Raph, feeling the crackles of hurt in his injured arms, but mostly he could feel how Raph was falling apart.
"Give us a minute, okay?" Mikey said, not quite taming the anger in his tone.
"Of course." Splinter looked worried, but did not deny the request, taking Casey with him when he left the room.
The door shut and sealed them in a perfect bubble. Mikey focused on snuggling Raph's head, trying to calm his big brother down. The trembling wouldn't stop. Maybe because Mikey was shaking too and it was impossible to tell where it ended and began.
A stretch of silence, like a lull in traffic. The med bay smelt that sharp too-clean and the lights too bright. Mikey stared at the side of Raph's face and wondered and wondered and kept the thoughts in his own head for all of two minutes.
"What would you have chosen?" Mikey asked.
Raph ducked his head. "It doesn't matter. We'll have to find another way."
"Raphie." Mikey said, quiet.
His head stayed down. He shivered and held both of Mikey's arms, just above where the bandages were protecting the shattered skin. The gauged out flesh, or at least that's what it felt like.
"I don't know." Raph repeated, with such sheer helplessness it ached. "I really, really don't know."
Disappointment fluttered through, because in this case, inaction was death. He wished Raph would make up his mind, because the twins taught them a long time ago that you could do anything as long as no one could stop you.
"We'll have to find another way." Raph said, and he sounded a little unsure.
"Yeah." Mikey said, and he was definitely unsure. There was just... he could do it. He knew he could. If only the pain wasn't a car battery attached to each fingertip.
"Do you think --" Raph cut himself off, visibly biting his tongue.
"Of course they're okay." Mikey said, loud, because he knew what Raph was thinking as he was thinking the same thing. And he believed it with all his heart. "They have each other."
Raph's red eyes met his. He repeated, audibly aching, “They have each other.”
Notes:
(does a lil dancey dance)
Chapter Text
They were trying to survive. The world was hazy and cold, a layer of frost encrusted over his skin. A precipice before them, hanging on by his fingertips.
Donnie could've pulled himself up, if he had a free hand, but he didn't. The other was holding onto Leo by the wrist, the two of them dangling over a void, an endless nothing.
The tug of gravity should've clued Donnie that this was a dream. But of course, when absorbed in the narrative of the fickle subconscious, it was impossible to untangle. He was in a prison dimension with his twin. Infallible logic, immediately accepted.
They were going to die. And Donnie refused to let go of him, even as Leo's charming mouth spun webs and stories of why it would be better if he did, that he could pull himself up, that the dead weight would be gone, that the problems would be eliminated. Like a cartoon mouth, rolling over and over as a motor, almost relentless in its task of destroying.
"We can't both make it." Leo said, and the pantomime of his smile in his dreams was cruel in the plastic intensity, just a touch too-wide. "You can't pull yourself up with me here. You have to let go of me."
"No." Donnie said, and it was desperate, he didn't know how to win. He held on so tight. He was never going to let go.
But Leo was always thinking ahead of him. Donnie had never won a chess game against him. Even when he felt like he'd gained ground, he'd discover he hadn't thought far enough ahead.
The haunting smile did not fade as Leo reached up with his sword, marking lighting up. Then he portal chopped his own arm off, sending dropping him into the void with no possible way for Donnie to stop him. He could hold on as tightly as he wanted, it didn't matter, Donnie couldn't win.
The sight of his twin vanishing into nothing had him gasping awake, the sharp inhale burning past his sore, split mouth. Back into his separate hell, spots of inky darkness resolving into Leo's worried face hovering over him.
"Leonardo!" Donnie said, affronted, and with slightly trembling hands he whacked his brother repeatedly on the plastron.
"Ow, what, what?" Leo grabbed his hands.
"How dare you!" Donnie snarled.
Leo's shoulders fell and a tiny, helpless smile twitched on his otherwise worried and annoyed face. "Donnie, I've told you a thousand times, you're not allowed to be pissed at me for things I do in your dreams."
"You suck." Donnie told him, heart still pounding at the sight of Leo swallowing his own arm in a portal and cutting it off. "You suck, you suck, you suck."
"I haven't done anything!" Leo complained, but made no move to dislodge from holding Donnie in his lap.
"Haven't done anything. Bah!" Donnie scoffed, incredulous.
"What did I do, then?" Leo asked. And. Well.
The stupid thing was that Donnie didn't want to tell him. Not because he was ashamed of his subconscious or anything -- he'd told Leo some of the stupidest dreams of all time, in detail. But because... he didn't want to give Leo any ideas.
"You're an idiot." Donnie told him, and wiped at the drool only to pull back his hand and see it was actually blood from resplitting his mouth. Urgh. His stomach rolled at the sight, and he struggled out of Leo's grip so he could sit up and hunch over his mid section.
Hunger was unignorable. It was a river craving out the bank on either side, hollowing him out from the inside. The tremor in his hands felt like weakness, all the strength zapped from his empty inside. He sucked on the bloody lip and the coppery saliva turned his otherwise empty stomach.
"How do you feel?" Leo asked, a hand on his shell. Annoyingly, his battle shell had despawned in his sleep again.
His leg was on fire. If the hunger was an alarm clock blaring, then the pain in his wounded leg was a fire alarm. Ear splitting and relentless. So Donnie said, "I could go for a burger."
"A burger." Leo repeated, brow raising. "You've never finished a burger in your life."
That was true. They were too greasy and the thought often made him queasy. Sometimes he'd order a burger and eat about half, usually because he was craving pickles and the burger was a vessel for pickles.
"That is true. However the fact that I cannot have a burger right now makes it sound like the most delicious thing on the planet."
"Heh." Leo said, and gently tugged Donnie to lay back down. "I'll get right on that. How about your leg? Does it still hurt?"
Like nothing else Donnie had ever felt before. Maybe it was just the complete lack of any painkillers -- most injuries were dosed with at least Tylenol by now. Donnie wasn't used to languishing in his agonies, and it may have made him a bit of a baby about it.
That was why he didn't tell Leo, because there wasn't anything he could do about it regardless. "It is fine."
Leo heaved a loud, annoyed sigh. "You're the worst patient in the world."
"Alright, excuse me, hypocrite."
"I can tell it hurts." Leo replied, and there was an ache in his own tone. Pulled from him, thin and thready.
Donnie pouted, just a little. "How?"
"How? Come on, D." Leo poked him directly in the middle of his forehead, and the ache coloured all over. "I can tell when you're in pain. Can you rate it on a scale of one to ten for me?"
"Zero." Donnie lied, blatantly, aware it wasn't going to hold up and being difficult on principle.
Another sigh, and Leo poked him more intently. "You suck."
"Takes one to know one." Donnie replied, mostly for a lack of a better response.
"Alright, genius. Will you chillax? Just work with me here."
"What good would the answer be?" Donnie prompted. "It's not as if anything you can do will help."
That made a funny emotion flicker over Leo's face. Then he scoffed, and played up an eye roll. "Because I'm gathering statistics, Donatello, I thought you'd appreciate that. I need to know where you're at right now so we can determine if you're improving or deteriorating."
"I'm fine." Donnie said, clearing his throat, and taking another moment to try and stop his mouth from bleeding.
Leo scoffed, shoulders up and tense. He looked tired, from the bad angle Donnie had of him. Bruise-like bags under his eyes that looked just a little dull, a little lifeless. There was no sweet smile on his face -- not even a pretend plastic one, just a distracted scowl along with the worried furrow of his brow. A streak of blood was dabbed on his neck, most likely Donnie's, along with that layer of grime that dimmed his usually perfect complexion. There was a line of fingernail scratches down his left arm.
"You look like shit." Donnie told him.
Leo's gaze snapped down, and he immediately stretched out the word in complaint, "Dude!"
"You do." Donnie reached up and thumbed the treacherous bags underneath his eyes. "How long was I asleep?"
Leo shifted, rearranging his legs that were Donnie's pillow, and shrugged. "You need rest to recover. But we need to keep an eye on you, to make sure you don't develop an infection. Do you feel feverish?"
It was hard to tell, with the prevalent cold all around them. Mostly he felt eternally distracting pain, burrowed into the meat and muscle of his left leg. When he stretched out his toes a bolt of it shot up his nerve and he winced visibly.
Leo's expression darkened rapidly, that worry growing into something more like alarm. "D."
"I'm fine." Donnie insisted, in a robotic voice, pushed through his teeth because it was growing too hard to keep up the lie that they both knew was a lie.
"Scale of one to ten. For the data collection." Leo countered, persistent.
Donnie sighed. He dragged himself up, trying to sit. Leo's hands hovered on his arms, supporting and helping him shift to rest beside him, back against the cave wall. It radiated cold, sucking any warmth he'd gleaned from snuggling with his twin while asleep. A shiver ran up his spine, but he didn't back down.
Leo's gaze was that resolute and dark concern, eyes flickering from Donnie's face to his leg repeatedly. He had to answer, for the data collection. Curses that Leo always knew how to win, that Donnie could recognize his plays but never how to counter them.
The worst thing was that Donnie couldn't actually imagine it hurting worse than this. Growing up and roughhousing with his brothers, training in the dojo, even fighting out on the streets -- bruises and contusions were common, but he didn't frequently have to deal with deep, visceral wounds with no pain treatment.
Despite the cold, a line of sweat was on his brow from struggling with the sensation of it all. Donnie didn't enjoy the relationship with his body in the first place, always feeling disconnected and separated and unaware of the connections between feelings and sensations and emotions.
Introspection was hard. Donnie didn't know the right answer, and he hated not knowing the right answer. He heard himself speak, not really intending to be so honest, but it was just Leo. "I don't know how to answer."
The annoyance smoothed away. Leo hummed and gave it a little thought. "Okay. I get that. I just want to know so we can keep track of your progress, so the actual number doesn't really matter. Just that I want you to have assigned a number to this pain so you can report to me if it gets higher or lower."
Donnie relaxed a little. It hurt, a lot, but if they were to put pressure on it then it would definitely hurt more. So he said, "Seven."
"Thank you." Leo sounded sincere. "How's your energy levels? Do you think you could boil some water?"
Donnie didn't know exactly how long he'd been asleep, but judging by the crawl of thirst in his dry throat it had been a pretty long time. That meant Leo would be thirsty too, especially since water was the only thing they had to provide their body. "I can do it."
Leo shuffled out from beside him, leaving a ghost of warmth that quickly disappeared. Donnie pulled his good leg up to hug, and watched his twin walk away, moving outside to fetch their stored ice.
Donnie's heart beat double the whole time Leo was out of his sight. The pulse of it seemed to centre in his leg instead of his chest. It was bizarre and uncomfortable and distracting.
The cadence didn't slow even when Leo returned, setting up everything so Donnie didn't have to move. Bringing the pot, chopping the ice with his sword into smaller pieces and setting it beside him, within arm's reach.
Donnie summoned his ninpo construct and pumped it full of energy. The ice sizzled and melted. Water was made. Donnie stared at it pooling at the bottom of the pot and thought for what felt like the hundredth time about how the creation of this water was only possible with the combination of their two skill-sets. They were only capable of surviving together. What would Leo have done if he'd been here alone?
The water boiled. Leo added more ice in chunks, letting the pot fill up. The steam in their faces was a welcome warmth. Both of them were chilled to the bone and hovered shaking fingers over the pot to absorb more heat.
"How long do you think it's been?" Leo asked, breaking their vigil over the boiling pot. His eyes were far away.
Donnie had a relatively good sense of time. Even considering the periods he'd spent asleep, he could at least make a ballpark estimate. "Four days. If you mean since we got in here."
"Yeah." Leo agreed. "What do you think the others are doing?"
The immediate answer that came to mind was: mourning us. But that wasn't correct, and Donnie knew it. He voiced the real answer, "Looking for us."
"I'm worried about that." Leo said.
Donnie raised a brow, mildly surprised by that response. "Elaborate?"
Leo sighed, leaning back and his gaze was still somewhere nowhere nearby, eons away. "If they do find a way to break us out, what if they let the Kraang out too?"
Donnie considered this fear. Then came to the reasonable conclusion, "Nothing we can say or do will stop them from trying, even if we could communicate with them. There is no point in being afraid of that outcome. If it happens, we will burn that bridge when we come to it."
A smile just barely tweaked the corner of Leo's mouth. "Don't you mean 'cross'?"
"I mean everything I say." Donnie said, letting himself sound a little pompous just for fun. "Besides, why would I cross a bridge when burning it is so much more fun?"
Donnie was extremely rewarded with a low chuckle from his twin. When Leo met his eyes, he was in the room with him this time. Leo said, "You're right."
"I'm always right." Donnie agreed.
Leo shook his head, smile still playing a small symphony that made it all worth it. "I just mean, you're right that there's no point in worrying about it. I just. There's not much else to do, I guess."
The water had boiled for long enough and Donnie let his ninpo subside, feeling his whole body relax at the loss of sustained effort. He took a moment to breathe, curled over his good leg, feeling the crush of everything for a moment. The faithful still present pain. The ache of hunger that felt like a blistering headache and knotted fist in his middle. The drain of power from a dripping resource.
"You okay?" Leo said.
"Stop fussing." Donnie replied.
"Sorry." Leo didn't sound sorry.
The pot steamed. It was too hot to drink. Donnie wanted to drink it very badly. He sighed, leaning back against the cave wall and trying to not feel like a huge bitch. That was the hunger, probably. It was draped over everything.
Donnie wondered what starving to death felt like. Did it feel like this?
"Tello." Leo said.
Donnie really didn't want to starve to death. But he also really didn't want Leo to either. Four days in hell and no sign that there was any escape. Or any food.
"Hey." Leo insisted, leaning into his sight-line. "Stop it."
"I'm not doing anything." Donnie replied in a perfect monotone. His leg hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt.
"What was the game you were playing last weekend?"
Donnie's brow scrunched, confused. "What?"
"The game you were playing. I came and hung out and you were playing some game. What was it?"
Oh, video game. Donnie had spent the whole last weekend in the lab obsessively playing Breath of the Wild until he hundred-percented it. Leo had shown up at about ten PM on Saturday night and hung out in the spare chair set aside specifically for him, scrolling Tiktok's on his phone and laughing at Donnie every time he blundered to his death. He'd stayed the whole night, following Donnie like a lost puppy when he finally went to bed and continuing to scroll on his phone even as Donnie went to sleep, dreaming of Korok seeds.
"It was a Legend of Zelda game." Donnie said, the warmth and comfort of home bleeding away and leaving him in the current reality of cold dark pain. The only constant of Leo's eyes framed in red stripes and blue fabric staring faithfully back at him.
"What's the Legend of Zelda?" Leo prompted.
"You're trying to distract me." Donnie accused.
"Duh-doy." Leo replied. "Hit me. Go. Lore dump. I wanna hear it."
"Your funeral." Donnie said, then told him absolutely everything he knew about the Legend of Zelda, which was a lot.
They drank the water when it was just barely below boiling, the warmth of it like a hot cup of tea, if a hot cup of tea tasted like shit. But taste wasn't important, it was the momentary bliss of pouring warmth down his throat chilled by the cold air. Settling heat into his middle and unthawing just a touch. And he kept telling Leo about Zelda and Link and Ganon, even though he was fairly sure that Leo knew some of it already. His twin didn't complain, listening and settling beside him again. Leaning his head back, breathing slow and even.
But he did not fall asleep. Donnie had hoped he might, but not even the drone of an infodump could lull him to sleep.
When he ran out of words, he stayed still, hoping Leo might fall asleep anyway. But shortly after, Leo was inhaling and shifting back up. "Still fretting?"
"Psh." Donnie said. He'd thought too much about Hyrule to remember what he'd been hung up on. Stupid twin brother knowing him inside out.
Leo smirked, a little self-satisfied and aware, before pushing off the wall and crouching at Donnie's outstretched leg, elevated just off the ground with as many scraps as they could spare to pile. "How's it feel?"
"Seven." Donnie reported. The pain had not moved, it stubbornly remained the same.
"Do you think you could suffer through me checking on it?"
"Mmm." Donnie wasn't exactly enthusiastic, because that would mean cleaning it again, and that would hurt. And the effort of boiling water again sounded exhausting.
But it would not heal if he ignored it, and he would not deny Leo when he was in medic mode. He steeled himself, aware that he could endure any pain, it was mind over matter. And he had a very genius mind. "Alright."
They boiled more ice for water. Leo gently inspected Donnie's leg, stretching it out over his lap to avoid jostling the braced ankle. He carefully touched the fabric. "It's still a little damp."
"Is that good or bad?" Donnie asked.
"Not sure." Leo sighed, peeling back the bandage and lighting up his markings an ocean blue to inspect closer. "Moist wound healing is supposed to be a better alternative to dry. Heals faster, less chance of infection, has a better outcome."
"But?" Donnie prompted, well aware there would be one.
"If it's done properly." Leo sounded too grim for Donnie's taste, carefully probing the skin around the puncture. It bounced back readily. "But I don't have right resources to maintain a proper healing environment. We have to watch out for prolonged exposure to drainage causing maceration, that thing where your skin turns white. Which can lead to necrosis."
"So would dry bandages be better in this case?" Donnie asked, following his train of thought readily.
Leo kept the bandages off, using insane gentleness to wipe away the fluid draining from the wound. His face was drawn and thinking. He said, "Possibly to have a dry layer overtop, at least. But it's below freezing in here, can they even dry?"
"Sublimation." Donnie provided, happy to have something at least in his domain. "If we set them up to freeze, once you knocked the ice off, it would be dry."
"Let's set some aside for later." Leo hummed. "But we'll stick with what we have for now and I'll keep an eye on it. I'm surprised these didn't freeze and subliminal."
"That would be because of my body heat. And you're thinking of subliminal messages, which is not the same thing." Donnie snorted.
"Heh. Did Mikey ever tell you about his conspiracy theory about subliminal messages in JJ 42?"
"I must've missed that one. Tell me about it."
Leo's voice filled the cave, nice and distracting as Leo redressed his bandages and checked his swollen ankle underneath the make-shift brace. Donnie shut his eyes, listening to his twin and nothing else. Not the thoughts in his head of words like infection and necrosis.
There was a reason Leo was the medic, and it wasn't entirely because Donnie had a weak stomach. It was because Leo was good at it. He was caring and compassionate and when he put his mind to it, he had studied and practiced and made himself the best damn medic in the world. And Donnie had been happy to give up the reigns on stretching his genius brain in that direction, because he didn't have to. He let Leo take the sole knowledge in this area, but Donnie had no desire to step on his specialty. His twin had it handled.
And it was a terrible thought, but Donnie was glad he was the one hurt. Because Leo had it handled, and Donnie wasn't sure he would if it was the other way around.
Leo set aside some scraps to 'dry', and Donnie dismissed his little purple stove once more, truly exhausted from the effort.
"Are you going to sleep?" Donnie asked, because it wasn't his turn.
"I'm not tired." Leo reported, settling back down and tucking Donnie under his arm. "It hasn't been that long since I slept last. If you're tired, you should rest."
Donnie's brow tightened, because it wasn't fair. "You need to replenish your power too."
"Nah." Leo flapped a hand, dismissive. "I did, what, two portals? Besides, it's not like I'm running around the city or anything. It's restful to sit here with you too."
Donnie doubted that, because he knew that Leo would be on guard the whole time Donnie was asleep. Plus he was well aware how tortured his own thoughts got during his period of watch, let alone what Leo's brain would think to torment him with. Donnie had years of experience catching just the bare minimum of what Leo was willing to share of the thoughts he had during insomniac periods, and it wasn't a pretty picture.
"Just a little rest." Donnie allowed, because even if Leo wanted to sleep now, there was no way he could keep his eyes open to fulfill his side of the bargain.
He had hoped, a little foolishly, that he might escape the pain in his sleep. However it carried into dreams with him, sitting heavy and distracting and dragging. There was something jammed into his leg. An arrow, a stick of rebar, and he was trying to pull it out.
"You gotta stop. D, you --" Leo's voice pierced his thick fog of sleep, and hands were tugging on him. "Donnie, come on."
The double layered reality resolved into one. Cave of dark and cold. Leo's hands pinning his own to his side. Donnie was hunched over, and he realized belatedly he'd been trying to claw at his own leg. He relaxed in Leo's grip when he understood what happened.
"Sorry." Donnie said, voice scratchy. The pain of his leg was having a party with the pain in his stomach, creating something just straight up miserable. He couldn't scrape his fingers down the way the wounds of his leg itched, so instead he huddled around his middle. Tears burnt the corner of his eyes but didn't fall, because it just -- it was all too much. There was no escape from how horrible it all felt, and how helpless he felt, and how much he knew this wasn't going to end well. His pessimism was singing loud and clear.
He was thinking about how Prime snuck up on them -- that they'd been out standing on the big rock and hadn't even noticed his approach. How easily he could -- he could just appear and be there. And obviously he was still looking, he still wanted to --
The breathless panic was taking over, reminding him that his ribs were still tender, how it caught the edge of air. Too sharp and not getting any oxygen to his brain. The dread seeping in all his pores.
Everything was spinning. Vertigo to the max, squeezing his eyes shut harder against the feeling. Was it the injury or the hunger? Donnie was scared. He hated feeling like he didn't have control, and this helplessness was agony.
The cacophony of torments was overwhelming. He reached for the single comfort he had, raising a shaking hand. Leo took it immediately, squeezing.
"I've got you." Leo promised, sounding...
What Donnie heard was a complicated thing. It was a carefully provided reassurance painted in a false calm. Threaded underneath was a swim of something like intertwined guilt and despondence. It added a list to Donnie's miseries to know that Leo was also Not Having A Good Time right now.
"I'm going to touch your forehead." Leo whispered, and with the warning Donnie didn't flinch when the cool hand folded over his skin.
"Warm?" Donnie guessed, because everything felt kind of terrible.
"Not too bad." Leo hummed, but he didn't sound cheered. "But not great either."
The blistering headache from hunger might've been the culprit. Or maybe it was the terrible threat of infection, hanging over them like a guillotine.
Donnie breathed. It dragged. When he finally convinced himself to open his eyes, it was dark, just the silhouette of Leo's face profile above him. He looked deep in thought. And unfortunately, Donnie knew what he was thinking about.
"It's not a good idea." Donnie rasped.
Leo's head turned towards him. "Get out of my brain?"
Donnie squeezed the hand he was still holding. "I can still come with you."
Leo gave a humourless laugh. "You can't walk on that leg, D."
"Then I'll fly." Donnie said, determined. He didn't want Leo to leave him behind, not after he'd fought so hard the first time.
"You've barely had the energy to boil water." Leo reported quietly. "It would be safer if you stayed here."
"And what if he comes here while you're gone?" Donnie accused, not nearly as sharp as he wanted, lacking the power to put punch into his argument.
That did quiet Leo. Because Donnie couldn't run away. If Leo left him to go look for food, he would be alone and vulnerable. Leo rubbed his forehead with his free hand, and said, "I don't know. But if we don't look for food, then we definitely won't find any."
"He's still looking for us." Donnie whispered, the image of his twin back-lit in red absolutely burnt into his retina. "Whether he finds me or you, we shouldn't be apart."
A stretched, agonized pause. Leo said, voice shaking just a little, damning, "Do you think I'd rather watch you starve to death in my arms?"
Donnie shut his eyes against the wash of emotion it invoked in him. Incomprehensible and strong. It was an impossible situation. And Leo was unfortunately right, if they didn't look, then there was a zero chance of success.
"If I'm by myself, then I can portal away immediately." Leo said, and it was a low blow. They'd only been caught on that bare rock because Leo had to take the time to fetch Donnie and take him too, and they both knew it.
And the worst part was that Donnie also knew he was going to cave, not even because he was hungry, because he knew Leo was hungry. And he wanted Leo to eat.
He hated it, because no matter what he did, no matter how many times Donnie felt like he'd won a battle, Leo would always win the war.
"You have to be careful." Donnie said, slowly, admitting defeat feeling like carving out his own heart with a butter knife. He couldn't bear to make Leo cry if he'd dug his heels in again. "If you overuse your portals and can't get back to me, I'll throw you into the sun."
All of the tension left Leo at once, and he leaned over to press his forehead against Donnie's. He was shaking. "Thank you for not fighting me on this."
He didn't want to fight. He didn't want Leo to leave him alone, either, but they had to make sacrifices. Donnie just hoped it was the right one, the one that would end with both of them making it out of here alive. He had no idea, he was flying so terrifyingly blind.
"Just come back." Donnie said, as fierce as he could make it, which wasn't very. He reached up to hold Leo's head in place, feeling the pressure. And after a moment, a drip of damp on his face.
Ah. Maybe Leo would cry anyway. Donnie said, "Dum-dum. Come here."
Leo hiccuped, and said in a wet voice, "I'm not crying."
"Of course you're not." Donnie allowed, and tugged him into as proper of a hug as they could manage. "Tell me you're coming back."
"I'm coming back." Leo promised, and it did sound like he meant it. He shuddered once, hard, where he pressed into Donnie's shoulder. And as quickly as the tears came, they were gone, like an illusion. A sleight of hand. But Donnie didn't let go yet, trying to commit the feeling of Leo nearby to memory, aware that the moment he left his sight it was going to be hell.
Nothing but the quiet breathing. Synced together, holding on. And eventually, Leo let go.
Notes:
had a very productive weekend, enjoy the quick update :D
Chapter 9
Notes:
sorry in advance
Chapter Text
The hunger was all Donnie could think about.
Okay, that wasn't true. The cold was particularly annoying, seemingly no position or arrangement of the stupid burlap scraps helped to keep the warmth in. The shiver wracked his form in unsteady waves, clattering his teeth. He'd absolutely kill for a hoodie right now, a nice pair of sweatpants -- pizza supreme in the sky, he'd trade all his teeth just to have some damn socks. The cold lived in all his joints, bundled together in the toes and fingers. Aching, distracting, and a little niggling worry about frostbite. If it weren't for the whole genetically modified super-soldier thing, Donnie was pretty sure he'd have already lost a toe by now.
Then there was the pain. A steel fork impeded in his leg, the hot-hot-hot swell of his ankle that shocked a lightning bolt of pain up his whole body if he so much as twitched his foot, and the fact that in his boredom he'd resplit the cut on his inner lip about six thousand times.
But eclipsed by all of that -- the cold was TV static, the pain was something that could be grit and ignored -- the hunger had no grace. It had no ease. It was a ringing ten alarm bell, no mute, no remind me later -- each drag of breath felt like it scraped his stomach as it passed. Something almost desperate growing, wild and hurting. If someone offered him a sandwich right now he couldn't be held accountable for what he'd give up to get it.
Left alone with only his own thoughts, Donnie considered that it was likely the trade off. Dad had always said that they ate more than he ever thought possible. And it was probably to fuel that whole super-soldier thing. Donnie could withstand freezing cold temperatures and grit his teeth through unmedicated pain, but that strength had to come from somewhere, and that was likely the millions of calories of pizza they consumed without blinking an eye.
So he was hungry. And it sucked.
The other problem he hadn't anticipated when he allowed Leo to head off on his own again was the fact that Donnie was fucking tired. Even after sleeping on and off for hours, the weight of exhaustion was still thick and pulling his eyes shut repeatedly against his will. He was alone, he had to keep watch for himself. He wasn't actually sure what the plan would be if he was caught...
Running was out. He'd gotten up to pee with Leo's help earlier and trying to put any pressure on his left leg just about tore a scream from his throat. This pathetic lump on the floor was all he had, thanks.
Fighting? Sure, but for how long? He could summon a rocket launcher, but Prime had proven over and over that he had far more constitution than they did. Fight was a stop-gap of only seconds.
That left freeze. Which Donnie had certainly done the last time, but that would only mean his death if Prime were to appear in the doorway that Donnie was staring at with as much intent as he could manage.
What about hide? Leo would be back, then he could portal Donnie away. He would only need to stay whole until then. He did have his ninpo still at his fingertips, he could create a shield. In his mind, a hexagonal bubble would work. Lock himself inside until Leo got back.
Drowsy, Donnie had to remind himself that Prime was not actually there. His brain was just, as Leo always put it, running about a mile ahead of him. He fruitlessly rearranged the scraps to try and steal a little warmth from the nothing. Palm pressed against his stomach.
How long had Leo been gone? Donnie felt like he had a pretty good sense of time, except for right now, as every second felt like an hour, and he began to wonder bad things like how long would he wait before he would realize that Leo was never coming back?
Well. If Leo didn't come back, there was very much a limit on Donnie's time as well. It wasn't like he was getting up and going anywhere himself.
Donnie sure wished he had something to distract himself from the hunger or the cold or the pain or the anxiety. But nope. Just four cave walls and a genius brain that wanted to sprint and sprint and sprint and keep going places he didn't have the energy for. Maybe relief would come in sleep, but he couldn't afford to let his guard down.
A flicker of light. Donnie felt like he woke up, heart tripping, and then the cave was filled with blue. Relief was a hot drug, rushing full throttle in his veins. It didn't even matter, for a wonderful moment, that Leo was empty-handed.
"Hey." Leo said. "Sorry."
"It's okay." Donnie reassured immediately, trying to shift up a little and wincing when he managed to pinch the sore leg in the movement. "Are you thirsty?"
"I'm okay." Leo soaked the walls in blue as he crouched beside Donnie, one hand just above his make shift bandages. "How's it feel?"
"Six." Donnie said, but if he was being honest it was less because it was feeling better and more because the pain in his stomach was beginning to eclipse the gouges in his flesh. Unfortunate.
"Hm." Leo felt Donnie's forehead again. His fingers were freezing.
"Are you cold or am I warm?" Donnie asked.
"Can't tell." Leo admitted, dropping his hand.
"Awesome." Donnie gave a thumbs up. "You didn't find anything, I'm assuming."
"Not a thing." Leo slung his hands between his legs, grimacing. "But I wanted to come back and check on you. I'd like to head out again."
"You can." Donnie said, slowly. "But I need a nap first. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open."
"Ah. Sure thing, D." Leo shuffled over and offered his legs. "Sorry. I should've thought of that."
"'sokay." Donnie immediately nuzzled into Leo's arm, the flood of relief at his twin being close better than any painkiller. "I know you want to find something to eat. I want that too. Just. Gimme like ten minutes."
"Of course." Leo said, dimming his blue ninpo and letting it fade. "Rest as long as you need, D. I won't go anywhere."
That leaked all the tension out of Donnie's shoulders. The stiff, prickled guard he had held relaxed. The swim of pain embraced him into unconsciousness. It was a drag-drag-drag, eyelids begging to be closed. And he was finally safe enough to close them. Leo's fingers settling on his inner wrist. It took his genius brain until he was nearly asleep to realize it two fingers pressed against his pulse.
"'m still alive." Donnie mumbled.
A deep inhale-exhale from above. Leo muttered, "Better keep it that way, Tello."
"I'm not going anywhere without you."
Leo's breath hitched. Instead of replying, he began to hum.
Donnie sunk into the heavy leaden feeling of his own bones and drifted to sleep.
He woke hot and sore. Time was impossible to tell. He didn't remember his dreams, except that they'd made him anxious. Leo's fingers were still on his pulse.
"Mmm." Donnie shifted, turning his face up and trying to spot Leo's expression in the dark. It was shadowed. "Hey."
"Hi." Leo said.
"I'm sorry."
Leo looked down, blinking. "For what?"
"This." Donnie tiredly flopped a hand towards his useless leg.
"Come on, bro." Leo tipped his head back against the cave wall and shut his eyes with an unfunny smile. "We knew he was gonna catch us. I'm just sorry it was you again."
Donnie stared at the line silhouette of his jaw above him. He knew exactly what his twin was implying and he completely lacked the brain power to counter it. His mind was a hot anxious soup, churning and boiling over. There was something he could say, surely, that would convince his brother not to take on this blanket of guilt, not to sit here and think that it was all his fault -- but Donnie didn't have the power to take what he knew to be reality and override the shit-storm that was surely occurring in Leo's brain.
"At least one of us is still mobile." Donnie suffocated his own inadequacy. "How are you doing? Do you want to rest before you go out again?"
"No, but we could have a little more water." Leo carefully shuffled Donnie off his legs.
"Mmkay." Donnie wasn't about to complain, willing to fill his pained stomach with water if it was the only option. It sucked that it required him to sit up and boil, drowsy and honestly willing to sleep longer if given the option.
"This is one of our last blocks." Leo informed him, after they'd drank the pot in turns. "If I don't find anything, I'll bring back more ice at least."
"Good plan." Donnie said, mostly to feel like he was contributing. He was tired again, even though he'd just woken up. How long had he been asleep? There was no indication on Leo's face, even as he crouched beside Donnie and shuffled their scraps around him, touching his forehead then his bandaged leg in turn.
Neither of them acknowledged that Leo was leaving again. Donnie wasn't sure he could handle talking about it, because the thought kind of made his throat want to close.
There was a frown on Leo's face. Donnie asked, "What are you thinking?"
Leo met his eyes, then looked away. Whatever he said was therefore a lie. "Just taking a good look before I go so I know if you look better or worse when I get back. How's the pain?"
"Six." Donnie couldn't focus on the pain as much, brain all swimmy and weird. But it was probably about the same as the last time he asked. Maybe.
"Okay." Leo said, voice blank. "Are you awake enough for me to go?"
"Tell me you're coming back." Donnie heard himself ask again, like he was still a little kid watching his dad go out to the surface alone to get them supplies.
"I'm coming back." Leo replied, and still sounded like he meant it. He didn't look away when he said it. "Don't spend the whole time I'm gone worried. I have a better idea."
"What's that?" Donnie asked, managing to sound a little dry.
Leo did his best impression of the Nyan Cat song before he jumped into the portal with a jaunty wave. And the bastard won, because for at least the first forty-five minutes that Donnie was alone his brain relentlessly looped the sugary tune.
But it did fade. Leaving a cold that had Donnie shivering, almost uncontrollably. Cold. Dark. Hungry. Pain. It all washed together in a haze, and Donnie was nervous to realize time was skipping around in front of his eyes. He was missing pieces. He was vulnerable. Every time he tried to snap out of it, to be on guard, the haze swarmed his brain.
He wanted Leo back. He kept imagining, over and over, that he was going to appear with food. He'd take the damn space mushrooms at this point, as long as it wasn't another mouthful of metallic water to swirl around his pebble sized stomach.
Then more time passed and Donnie returned to not even wanting the food. He just wanted Leo back. He was scared, tense all over, and didn't want to be alone. He was struggling to stay awake. His breath was coming quicker.
And he'd breathe, thinking, surely he'd appear now. Surely Leo would feel how badly he wanted him back, and appear, and he didn't. Donnie was alone, he was alone.
Eternity. Or maybe just a few hours. Impossible to tell the two apart. Then Leo actually appeared, juggling multiple blocks of ice stacked in his arms under his chin, and he immediately threw Donnie a wobbly and tired smile. "Hi. Back. Let me go put this down."
That was good, because it gave Donnie to try and compose himself after practically losing it. He was breathing almost normal when Leo returned, bringing a fresh block of ice with him.
"No luck?" Donnie asked, voice rasped.
"Lots of nothing." Leo sighed, scooping up the pot as he went by. "We should drink some more water and check on your bandages. Are you up to boiling?"
Considering Donnie had been left to lie uselessly in a cave for hours, the desire to help via water was worth any drain of ninpo that it would cost. "Yeah."
Leo chopped the ice into smaller pieces and Donnie boiled them. He felt like someone pulled the plug on the bathtub and all his power was rapidly draining from him. He was relieved when they had enough water to stop, setting it aside to cool.
They took the time to check Donnie over while they waited. Once again neither of them could decide if Donnie had a fever, as Leo was practically ice himself and there was no good way to balance the temperature between them. Leo pinched his toes, testing feeling, and carefully peeled back the bandages.
For a moment he just stared, eyes flicking back and forth. Donnie couldn't read his face, and stretched to try and get a good look at his leg himself. But Leo didn't let him, covering it back up and said, "Weak stomach boy, lean back, let me take care of it."
"Is it that bad?" Donnie asked, stomach flipping already in anticipation.
"Hm." Leo replied, getting up and fetching the pieces of fabric they'd set aside to 'dry', shaking out the ice. Donnie tried to reach and pull aside and look despite the warnings, but Leo caught him and swatted his hand away. "Stop that. It's doing okay. It's just weeping a lot of fluid, and I'm going to repack it and put that dry layer overtop."
"Pus?" Donnie asked, the word infection ringing and ringing louder.
"Exudate." Leo corrected, then hesitated. "Which is like pus, yes. Your immune system is working hard. That's why you're so tired. It's not turning any fun colours or anything, so I think it's doing its job. Just make sure you don't touch it."
Donnie had zero desire to touch it. He kept his eyes on the ceiling while Leo cleaned the wound and repacked it, which felt terrible and had him breathing fast. He gently shushed Donnie, layering and tying the new dry bandage in place. Then they shared the pot of water, trading back and forth taking sips until it was empty. It was stupid that Donnie felt like he'd run a marathon, considering that he only laid there and agonized, while Leo was the one out running around actually doing things.
"It's your turn." Donnie told him, because he'd slept like three or four times now since Leo had.
"Mmm." Leo said. "Sure."
Maybe if Donnie wasn't hot and in pain and tired he would've questioned the easy agreement. Instead he felt satisfaction at the sight of Leo settling down beside him, not choosing to curl up on his lap but resting his head on Donnie's shoulder. He was very still. Arms crossed over his chest.
Donnie couldn't even see if his eyes were closed. His blue light dimmed. It was quiet. Leo breathed perfectly even.
Eventually the unnatural stillness told Donnie that his faker brother was definitely faking, and he didn't know what to do about it. If his eyes were closed, then perhaps just being immobile would lull him to sleep with the sheer number of portals he'd been making recently. But if not, then...
Donnie wasn't sure. He very carefully leaned over to see Leo's face. His eyes were open.
"Leon." Donnie whispered, disappointed.
"Mm." Leo blinked, and focused on Donnie's face after a moment. "What?"
"Go to sleep." Donnie said.
"I'm fine." Leo said, so automatic it was almost laughable. "If you're tired, you could sleep."
Donnie was exhausted. He shook his head. "How many portals have you made? You must be running on empty."
"I'm fine." Leo repeated, and there was absolutely no colour in his eyes. Something numb and fuzzy.
"Will you try?" Donnie bonked his head against the top of Leo's. "For me?"
Leo huffed. He crossed his arms tighter and scooted closer. Donnie twisted to look at him properly and saw his eyes closed this time, at least.
Silence shuffled around them. Leo spoke into it, shimmering the void of nothingness, "The quiet is too loud."
"I could talk. Or I could give you my headphones." Donnie volunteered.
"Is there something to listen to in them?"
"No, but I could turn the noise cancelling on."
A moment of contemplation. Donnie had offered because it would make the illusion it was so quiet by choice. "Okay."
Donnie took his goggles off and Leo lifted his head enough to let him settle them over his ears. The noise cancelling turned on.
It provided the realization that Donnie had been buffered slightly from the sheer experience of this dimension through his headphones, as without them the quiet did feel louder. Consuming. But also important that he listen, because Leo stayed still and resting, even if it wasn't sleeping.
At no point did he grind his teeth or shift or snuffle. It was about two hours that Leo stayed right there, still as a corpse, head leaned against Donnie's shoulder.
Then Leo inhaled and sat up, touching his head. "Sorry."
"For what?" Donnie asked, turning towards him.
"What?" Leo said, then blinked rapidly and took the headphones off. "Sorry, I'm fine. Did you want to sleep? Here."
Leo handed back Donnie's headphones. After having spent two hours without them, Donnie wasn't sure. It felt like he was going to miss some key auditory input if he put them back on, even if it wasn't in noise cancelling mode. He took them back and didn't put them on, setting them aside. "It really hasn't been that long, you could go back to sleep."
"Psh, please." Leo waved a flippant hand, and there was just the smallest undercurrent of tired hysteria in his tone. "Last time I slept it was for eons. I'll be fine for a while. I just needed a little cat nap. Do you need another before I go?"
Donnie probably could’ve managed without sleeping again, but he selfishly wanted to keep Leo close. He agreed for himself, not finding it particularly restful as he spent whole time convincing himself that this would be last time. Mind thundering with pattern recognition and with pessimism. He kept shivering arms around Leo’s legs and tried to memorize the care and love that Leo poured into rubbing his soft shell. The cadence of his even; steady breathing above him.
And Donnie knew, because he knew his twin inside out — he didn’t have to be told that if Donnie were to die in here, there would be no Leo to pull out or save. Donnie knew he had a responsibility to stay alive because his presence was keeping Leo alive.
But there was a colder feeling living inside Donnie, one he didn’t want to acknowledge, because it seemed so unfair to the family waiting at home. Illogical that he would be so… Leo, about it. And it was holding onto Leo in the darkness trying and failing to sleep, he was pretty sure that if Leo died in here, there wouldn’t be a Donnie to save either.
Quiet reigned. And Donnie was disturbed by his own thoughts and didn’t want to have them anymore. They both had to get home. And they needed to eat. Donnie had to stop being a baby and let his brother go find it. Because he would find it, he was Hamato Leonardo and he could do anything he set his mind to. And there was no doubt with Donnie’s life on the line that this was something Leo set his mind to.
Donnie stopped pretending and sat up. The phantom warmth of where he’d been hugging Leo’s knees faded too quick into the cold, and Donnie rubbed his eyes tiredly.
“You didn’t sleep.” Leo said, because neither of them could get away with faking to the other.
“Not tired I guess.” Donnie said. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah.” Leo got up and gathered his sword. He made sure Donnie’s leg was elevated. Then he gave Donnie a reassuring smile. “Hey D?”
“Mm?” Donnie said, a little out of it, steeling himself to watch Leo portal away again, for the period of intense anxiety of being alone.
“I’m coming back.” Leo promised, and he still, still sounded like he meant it.
Something tightly clenched relaxed inside Donnie, just a little. “You better.”
Leo winked. And then he portalled away.
This time the sensation of being alone was a numbed drone. Horrible and clawing but fuzzy about it.
It shouldn't have been possible to feel boredom in tandem with the absolute worst mental and physical sensations of all time, but there it was.
His leg seemed to beat with his pulse. It was as if he could feel the sum effort of his whole body trying to heal, the thrum of energy draining out of him every moment he dragged in another breath.
No atomic numbers, no counting primes could hold his fleeting attention long. Instead it was a torture soundtrack of the greatest hits of Donnie’s mistakes, the fact that he was a burden on his twin and unable to concoct some genius way to save them from this hell.
And the haunting image of Leo’s dull eyes, the way he was quiet and drained and putting on such an obviously fake front for Donnie alone, a one man show, and how there was so much underneath the surface that Donnie couldn’t uncover even at gun point.
There was no way to help, other than being there. And for Leo? Donnie being here was the whole problem.
Instead he had this facsimile of what Leo should be, that saturation lost, that darkness shadowing his face, and there was nothing. Helplessness, his least favourite emotion — the loss of control, the crushing weight of it.
It was no wonder that Leo was so quick to leave him, when he couldn't even fix things, when he was the weight holding them down, that Leo was happy to leave him behind at any given opportunity.
Hm. Donnie blinked rapidly into the dim light, alone with the heavy sound of his own breathing and the unnatural sway of gravity of the rock this cave was stuck on. Normally he was not so uncharitable to his twin, he didn't tend to ascribe negative aspirations that quickly. Something about the heat of his own breath told him that he might've been a little more unwell than he felt functionally. The light headed weakness, the burn of his eyes -- impossible to tell if it was lack of sustenance or actual fever.
Then there was nothing to think about other than the looming concept of infection. He considered peeling back Leo's meticulous bandage work, but decided that he was better off not knowing -- that there would be nothing he could do anyway.
Laying there uselessly was like grinding nails against a chalkboard. It dragged on and on and on, unbearable. The feeling of it all wrapped and strange.
A sudden flicker of blue. It hadn't been nearly as long, despite the eternity it felt. Leo stood in the middle of the cave, heaving for air, shrouded in darkness. None of his ninpo markings were lit. He was swaying a little.
Donnie did it for him, bathing the frosted walls in purple, struggling up on his elbow to see his brother better. And all his twin-sense blared loud, his pattern recognition, everything screaming that something was wrong. There was a soft drip-drip-drip. When Donnie spoke, it was nervous, on guard and watching for the catch. "Leon?"
"Hey D." Leo said, and there was something wrong with how he spoke. Their gaze met, his eyes were weird. And when he smiled, Donnie's heart stopped, because there was blood on his teeth. "I found gatekeep."
It was about that moment the Donnie realized the red stripe on the left side of Leo's face was glistening, and a pour of blood was pooling down his cheek and dripping off his chin, like half painted tear drops.
"Aha." Donnie said, slow and careful, waiting for his heart to start beating again, because it still hadn't. "Hey, Nardo, can you sit down for me?"
"Sit?" Leo repeated, and that same little off to his words, like he was pulling them too long in his mouth. A slur, very carefully hidden.
"Right there." Donnie didn't want Leo to pass out, because he couldn't catch him without hurting his leg.
Leo swayed. He didn't move.
"Leonardo." Donnie said, more firm, as his heart tripped over itself in haste to go triple time. "Sit on the floor."
"Why?"
"Do it for me. Sit down." Donnie ordered.
"Heard, chef." Leo lowered himself to the ground, placing down his sword, settling down with his hands.
Donnie could really hear the slur now. He said, "Scoot towards me."
Leo edged himself closer. Donnie gestured his hands towards him, trying to get his twin's head in the bathe of his purple light. It highlighted how much blood was pouring down the side of his face, stemming from just above his crown.
"Lay your head in my lap." Donnie said, monotone and controlled, because Leo's skin was drained of colour, a woozy little sway that spoke of the imminent chance of losing consciousness.
"Why do you sound so worried?" Leo said, nose scrunching a little in the middle.
"Exactly how out of it are you, right now?" Donnie asked, not sure if his brother was even on the same stratosphere as him at the moment. "Put your head here."
"I'm totally in it." Leo complained, but shifted to the side and laid his head down. His eyes unfocused and almost rolled back in his head, though he seemed to catch it, blinking rapidly.
Donnie grabbed the extra fabric they had prepared, meant for Donnie's next bandage change, and tried to clear the blood enough to determine the source.
"Talk to me." Donnie said.
Leo inhaled, eyes on the ceiling clouded and vague. "About what?"
"Head injury."
"Who has a head injury?"
A prickle of white-hot panic shot through Donnie's veins. His breath caught, fear and dread fighting a war inside him. He said, hysterically calm, "Just tell me what you would do."
"Um..." Leo breathed, nose crinkling again. A much more noticeable slur. "Do for what?"
That hysteria grew louder and more uncontrollable. "Do I try to stop the bleeding? Leon. Head wounds, stop the bleeding? Focus."
"Yes. But... gotta make sure the skull doesn't look caved in. You don't want to push on a fracture if you can help it."
Donnie stared and stared. He felt like he couldn't remember what a skull looked like to determine if it was safe. But the stupid thing was practically gushing blood, and he made the decision to apply pressure. He said, "Keep still, okay?"
"Hm?" Leo said, then flinched when Donnie pressed against the wound with his folded bandage. "Ow."
"Sorry." Donnie said, quietly. "How long?"
"... for what?" Leo blinked up at him.
A clawed animal clawed up his throat, choking him for a moment. The helplessness never felt louder. "How long do you apply pressure to a head wound?"
"I dunno."
"Try anyway."
"Uh. At least like fifteen minutes?"
"Okay." Donnie braced his knee on the other side of Leo's head to keep him steady. He tried to remember what Leo had said to him when they first arrived in the prison dimension about concussions. He leaned over Leo's head, seeing that both pupils were quite huge, barely any ring of colour around them. That white-hot terror gripped him again, stealing his breath, pouring adrenaline into near tunnel vision.
"Leo. Can you follow my finger?" Donnie held his free hand up, over his gaze. As he moved from one side to another, Leo's gaze stayed straight up, shifting to the side after a long delay, stuttering in movement.
That didn't seem to be a favourable result. He said, "Did you lose consciousness at all?"
"No." Leo said. Then, after a moment. "I don't think so. What did I do?"
And that answered the memory question as well. Donnie covered his own eyes with his hand for a moment, his calm shuddering.
"You showed me how to find out if someone has a concussion, but not what I'm supposed to do if the answer is 'yes'." Donnie said, voice a little too high for his fabricated calm.
"Oh." Leo said, that slurred and vague and distant. And damning, "Who has a concussion?"
Chapter Text
Donnie held the pressure against Leo's head wound. It soaked through what he was holding and he added another layer without peeling the first, remembering Leo doing the same thing when the bandages had soaked through on his leg.
Leo kept his uneven gaze on the ceiling.
Donnie was aware that trying to ask Leo questions at the moment was a bit like swimming directly up river, but he had to try. "Are you hurt anywhere else?"
"Hurt?" Leo blinked, lethargic and slow, foggy gaze settling on Donnie. "Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine, Leo. Are you hurt?"
"Who cares." Leo shut his eyes.
"Me." Donnie resisted the urge to jab him in the chest for that statement. He had far too much of his twin's blood on his fingers right now to consider it. "Status report. Can you feel any other injuries?"
"Mmm." Leo visibly flexed his legs and arms. "Sore. I think my knees are bruised. And I'm really hungry."
"Anything else?"
Another long pause. Leo didn't answer.
Donnie tried not to sigh and failed. "Leo."
"Hm?" Leo blinked open again, that too-slow. "Sorry. What's up?"
"Tell me if you can feel any injuries." Donnie tried a second time, almost academically curious if he'd get a different answer.
"Are you hurt?" Leo tried to push off his hand holding his head in place to keeping pressure on the wound.
Donnie snapped, just a little. "No, you are, idiot. Stay still."
Leo settled down, something funny crossing his face. "Oh. Is that why my head hurts?"
"Yes." Donnie exhaled slowly, clarifying, calming. "Does anywhere else hurt?"
"No, nothing hurts." Leo said, with his slip and slur of words. "I'm fine."
"What about your knees?" Donnie said, through gritted teeth.
Leo looked visibly surprised that Donnie would know that. And it only confirmed that Donnie could not trust a damn word out of his mouth. Leo tried to glance down at his legs, but Donnie kept his head in a vice grip.
"Don't move, I said." Donnie repeated, feeling a little like he was trying to wrestle a toddler or an uncooperative drunk.
"What's going on?" Leo asked. A little smaller. A little more scared.
"I've got you." Donnie promised. "But you've got to stay still for me. Just keep breathing."
"Okay." Leo agreed. Deflating. Donnie watched his face, how his gaze wandered and confusion brushed over his features, only to attempt a reassuring smile when he caught Donnie looking.
"What's wrong?" Leo asked, syrupy sweet, even with the ever-present slur.
"Nothing's wrong." Donnie said, a little defeated. He didn't want to go in another circle with what was supposed to be his snappy comeback twin, who was supposed to be smart enough to meet his wit their whole lives. "We're hanging out."
"I love hanging out with you." Leo said, and it was too earnestly sincere. It almost brought tears to Donnie's eyes, and he kept that emotion down by focusing on the more prominent panic at the sheer amount of blood that seemed to persistently be leaking through his attempts to kept pressure on his head.
"I love hanging out with you too." Donnie replied, around the lump in his throat.
"You do?" And why did it hurt so much to hear the glowing joy in his twin's tone?
"Of course." Donnie caught his free hand and gave it a squeeze. "Don't sound so surprised. I wouldn't let just anyone into my lab, you know."
"I know." Leo smiled his sweet and shy one, real and oh-so painful.
Donnie kept one hand on pressure and the other gripping Leo's. He was fairly sure more than fifteen minutes had passed but he wasn't confident enough to peel away the bandages, so he just kept giving pressure.
"Is my head bleeding?" Leo asked, after a quiet few minutes.
"Yes, Leon." Donnie said, patiently.
"Head wounds bleed a lot. They look scarier than they are." Leo told him.
It was hard for Donnie to feel more scared than he did right now. "Alright. And what else?"
"Mmm. Lots of rest. That 'don't fall asleep' thing is a myth. Just make sure they don't stop breathing or start seizing and it's fine." Leo contributed, much to Donnie's relief, even if his gaze was absent and uneven.
"Good to know." Donnie said. "Anything else?"
Leo didn't answer. Donnie didn't bother repeating the question, because the way Leo couldn't concentrate to keep a conversation was freaking him out and if they were quiet he could pretend things were normal.
"Don?" Leo ventured uncertainly, after a long few minutes of quiet.
"Yeah, L." Donnie said. He was still holding his hand, so he squeezed reassuringly.
"Did I hit my head?"
"I was hoping you could answer that, actually." Donnie had no idea what transpired, though he could guess with the 'gatekeep' quip. The thought of Leo encountering Prime while alone filled him with racing alarm, that anything could've happened. "What do you remember?"
Leo blinked with a little more speed at the ceiling. "Um. I saw him. He had, uh, dogs."
"Dogs?" Donnie repeated, wondering if this was some kind of concussion fuelled hallucination.
"Pink fleshy dogs. Kraang hounds. I was relieved."
He was going to regret asking. Donnie prodded, "Relieved?"
"Well, 'cause, you know." Leo scrunched up his nose. "If Prime was with me then he wasn't with you. Right?"
A burst of emotion at that statement, messy and impossible to identify all the moving parts. He brushed past the obviously delirious statement. "And how'd you hit your head?"
"Ah. We exchanged some words. Don't worry, I told him you were busy."
"Leo."
"A gentleman's quarrel. Not a big deal." Leo squirmed. "Is that still bleeding?"
"I don't know." Donnie was too afraid to pull away the sopping wet bandages.
"I'm sure it's fine." Leo said, with far too much confidence of someone who was asking the same questions over and over. "I'm fine, D."
"Shut up." Donnie snapped, and didn't linger in the guilt for long, because he was relatively sure Leo wasn't even going to remember him saying it.
And he was right, because a minute or two later, Leo said, "Are you okay? You look upset."
A full body sigh rocked Donnie. He said, "I'm going to check your head wound. Stay still, okay?"
"Oh." Leo sounded out of it again. Donnie bit the bullet and pulled away to find a gross wound, split skin and -- ah he didn't want to think about if that was bone. Never mind, he couldn't do this, there was a reason Leo was the medic and Donnie was happy that he was. His stomach rolled over and he bit his tongue to shove it down.
"I should probably clean this." Donnie said, failing to hide the hysterical note in his voice.
It made Leo look alarmed, which was rapidly shoved back down into a fabricated calm. "Hey, you're okay. What's wrong?"
That beast clawed and crawled inside him, fear and fear and fear. He didn't like this skip in a record, this repeated song. He wanted his Leo back already to help him deal with this situation. Leo was the medic and Donnie didn't want to take it from him. He was never supposed to be without him for it to matter.
Luckily they'd left the pot in reach, because neither of them could move right now. Donnie said, "I'm just going to heat up some water, okay?"
Their last batch had a layer of ice remaining, which was good because it would be hard to go outside to get more ice. Donnie heated that up, not bothering to reach a boil since it had been already, and gently wet a piece of fabric to clean the blood of Leo's face. Carefully stroking the circumference of the wound with the warm cloth, watching Leo's eyes shut and melt into the touch.
A small, sub-vocal purr. And when Leo opened his eyes again, as Donnie dampened his piece again, it was all liquid trust. If there was pain, it wasn't showing on his face.
"This might hurt a little." Donnie told him, because he knew from his own experience that trying to clean it wasn't fun.
"I'm tough." Leo said, with that blurred smile. "What'd Raph always call me?"
"Fearless." Donnie replied, around the rock in his throat.
"Do what you gotta do." Leo encouraged, and held very still as Donnie cleaned the head wound. It immediately began to bleed again, and Donnie was pretty sure it needed stitches. He had zero capability of providing stitches. Sure, he could summon a purple construct needle and thread, but as he learned with his battle shell, any constructs would vanish the moment he went to sleep. So he covered up the problem, out of sight out of mind, by padding up a bandage and tying it around his head. There weren't any scraps that long, so he co-opted Leo's facemask to do the job, making it more like a headband.
Donnie hovered there for a moment, his brother's eyes uncovered and showing up the dark trenches of exhaustion around his eyes, that somehow he was still awake even after a traumatic head wound. "Hey."
"Mmm. Hi." Leo's pupils were still huge and glazed.
"Are you tired?"
"Mmm." Leo repeated, eyelashes sticking together in a slow blink. "Dunno."
"When we talked about concussions before, you asked me to check if the pupils were different sizes. What does it mean when they're both huge?" Donnie asked, half to get him to focus on reality and half because he did want to know the answer.
"For different sizes it can mean a structural brain injury. Which would be worse." Leo scrunched his nose. "Big pupils in general can just be like, adrenaline. Or it could be ischemia of the brain stem. Or a bunch of other things. Sorry. I'm having trouble remembering."
"It's fine. Just what do I need to do?" Donnie said, even though it wasn't fine, that the hysteria of it all was a living thing wailing unconstrained inside him.
Leo shrugged. "Keep an eye on it. Heh. See if it gets better. If they go back to normal size then it's fine."
It should not have been so relieving to hear Leo make a silly little pun about this, but it was. "Okay."
Those really big pupils blinked up at him. Leo asked, "But who has a concussion?"
Donnie shut his eyes to stay the instinctive reaction, not wanting Leo to see how upset it made him. He inhaled with purpose. He said, "Don't worry about it, Leon. It's time for you to get some rest."
"I'd rather not." Leo replied, as if there weren't graves dug underneath his eyelids.
Even harder to resist the urge to pinch his brow and sigh. Long suffering as ever, he said, "And why not?"
"Feels weird."
Foreboding barely had room in Donnie's already crowded brain. "Feels weird how?"
Leo shifted uncomfortably. "It's... like. Dizzy. Kinda nauseous. And I've got such a bad headache."
"I think sleeping might help with that." Donnie suggested, trying to sound reasonable. It was ridiculously hard.
A quiet, contemplative pause. Leo asked, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Donnie replied, even though he felt more like banging his head against the wall.
The dizziness was obvious from how Leo's eyes almost kept crossing. But when he spoke, he compressed the shake in his voice to something just a parody of normal. "You don't look well."
"Yeah, I'd hate to give you a mirror right now and burst your bubble about yourself, Leon." Donnie said, dry.
Leo's hand drifted up and cold fingers fumbled to press against Donnie's forehead. "You're feverish."
Funny, because he was so panicked about Leo he could barely feel the pain or the hunger or the sweep of heat in such cold conditions. "Just my immune system working, you said. It's your turn to sleep, Nardo."
"Can't." Leo dropped his hand and pulled it close to his chest.
Donnie repeated his original question, wondering again if he'd get a different answer, "And why not?"
A slow, sloth-like blink, and dazed eyes barely moved from their fixed point on the ceiling. "You deserve to..."
"I deserve to what?" Donnie prompted, unnerved by the semi complete sentence. And what it implied that Leo didn't deserve.
Leo was very out of it, and touched the blue mask tied to his forehead with a frown, and threw Donnie a confused look.
"Close your eyes." Donnie attempted instead, aware that reasoning with the drunk toddler was not going to work.
"I don't wanna throw up." Leo replied. "Aspirate on it and die in my sleep."
"Roll over, then." Donnie coaxed him to the side, so he wasn't laying on his back.
"I don't wanna sleep." Leo reminded him, as if Donnie could've forgotten.
"Boo hoo, suck it up, those with head injuries lose their vote." Donnie moved him so he was tipped to the side, braced on his free arm and Donnie's knee. "Now close your eyes."
Quiet. For all of five minutes. Then Leo, without moving his head, slurred, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Donnie replied. "Go to sleep."
"I..." Leo started, but didn't finish. He went quiet again. And asked, six more times in the span of an hour, if Donnie was okay.
It was just a little infuriating. The seventh time, Leo's completely out of it slurred words came from the turtle draped sideways over his legs, "Are you okay?"
And Donnie's patience crackled. He said, "No, I'm not, because you won't go the fuck to sl--"
Unfortunately, that threw Leo into a panic, losing all his fragile projected cool, and he practically swung as he sat up quickly, eyes wild. And before he could say anything all the colour drained from his already sallow face, and he turned the other way to hack and vomit. A dribble of bile from his mouth followed by a miserable coughing fit.
Donnie rubbed his shell, sighing with sympathy. Perhaps that was a little bit his fault. He amended, "I'm fine, Leonardo, but you are not. Lay back down."
A whine broke the back of Leo's throat, and Donnie carefully set him in the scraps, dragging himself out from underneath and standing on one foot with the assistance of the low wall.
"What're you doin'?" Leo asked, distant.
"Don't move." Donnie ordered, taking a second to breathe. Sparks of unnatural pain rocketed up his leg the moment he was vertical, but it was fine. He could do this for Leo. He skirted around the cave, leaning hard against the wall, putting the bare minimum of weight on his injured foot with every step. His ankle felt fragile and floppy, and the stab of agony through the gouges was relentless every moment his body weight pressed down against it, but he could still move. There was a delirious mumbling behind him, that he ignored for the moment, intent on his goal.
Outside there was the familiar nothing. Pricks of stars and the dizzying sway of the gravity and their little rock. Donnie kept his eyes from the haunting endless unknown above him, and traced the outer wall towards their ice stash, leaving bloody finger prints as he moved. A small conjured net held the ice so he could sling it over his shoulder, the punch of energy from his ninpo not encouraging for the effort he was going to need to boil it shortly. Then he agonizingly slow traced his way back inside, breathing hard and focused on his task, sweating from effort and pain.
"D?" Leo's voice came, the moment he was back at the mouth of the cave.
"I'm here." Donnie replied.
"Are you okay?" Leo asked, as if this was a brand new question.
Donnie had learned his lesson and replied, "Yes, Leo, I'm okay."
A beat of silence. Leo accused, "You're lying."
Well, yes. Donnie was lying, and that was his lying voice. Because right now everything hurt, and he felt weak and hungry and tired and scared. But he would boil some damn water for his twin who just threw up, because they couldn't afford to lose fluids when it was all they had. "Just don't move, okay? You have a head injury."
"Oh, is that why my head hurts?" Leo said, and there was a little humour in his tone, at least.
Donnie heaved for air as he moved, and set down his spoils beside their little nest. He borrowed some scraps, of which they were beginning to run low, to clean up the bile and kick it away from their sleeping area. Then he sat beside the ice block, crawling his fingers across the cave floor to reach the abandoned sword, and began to hack smaller pieces into their pot.
"Donnie?" Leo asked, small, from where he was curled up on his stomach in the nest.
"Yes, Leonardo, are you perhaps worried about my well-being?" Donnie asked, unable to help himself since this whole situation was making him lose his actual marbles.
A mystified silence, like Leo wasn't sure how to reply now. Then he said, a bit more obnoxious and more like himself, "Well are you okay or not? Jerk."
Donnie allowed himself a tiny smile. "I am up and breathing, my dear brother. You, however, have a head injury."
"Oh." Leo's voice trailed off. Then he asked, a bit more sheepish, "How many times have I asked you that, then?"
"An embarrassing amount." Donnie replied, hoping that if he made it a little bit of a joke it would stop being so sad that it was what his brain was latched onto.
The water boiled. Donnie dragged the pot aside to cool and since he was already moving around, shuffled to get a good look at Leo's knees.
Ouch. There was bruises already many colours on each knee, and a half-healed trail of blood from a burst cut. Donnie asked, "What happened here?"
"Hm?" Leo glanced down, eyes nearly rolling back again before he steadied the motion. "Oh. Gatekeep got a cheap shot in. Kicked me right in the fucking knees. Then I fell and pop! Hit my head. Wow, my head really hurts, actually."
"That's because you have a head injury." Donnie felt like he should be winning awards for his patience right now, actually. Ignoring the multiple times he'd snapped at his twin -- it wasn't like he'd remember that anyway. "Do you know if you lost consciousness?"
"Don't think so. I portalled away before he could get another cheap shot in. Or his dogs."
The recurrence of the dogs. Testing to see if it was a real memory. "Actual dogs?"
"Kraang dogs? They were gross. I wasn't a fan."
The consistency of the answer made Donnie think it was probably true. And Donnie definitely wasn't a fan either, because it meant there was more out there that was going to try to kill them beyond just Prime. A disturbed feeling hung there, like someone else was in the room. He tried to ignore it.
"That's not ideal." Donnie said, with remarkable calm for how he felt inside. "It's time to have your favourite, a hot cup of water. Can you sit up very slowly so you don't pass out or throw up again?"
"I threw up? Damn, that explains the taste in my mouth." Leo leveraged an elbow and blinked the stars from his eyes as he moved. "Wait, how'd you get that? Did you move? Donatello, that leg is not for walking on."
"Oops." Donnie said, dry and unapologetic. "Drink."
A funny expression crossed Leo's face. But he took the pot and sipped at the still very warm water. Some relief passed over his expression at discomforts he hadn't been willing to voice to his twin. Idiot.
Donnie took his turn, because he was thirsty and it dulled the hunger just a little to fill his stomach with something. They traded back and forth, Donnie insisting that they keep going until they finished, even when it took a long time. Water was the only luxury they had, and he wanted both of them to get as many benefits as they could.
"Donnie?" Leo asked.
Donnie was pretty sure that if Leo asked him one more time if he was okay, he was going to scream. He said, "Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
Donnie didn't scream. He sighed, shuffling aside the pot and crawling back into their nest, tugging Leo to rest on his lap again.
"You didn't answer me." Leo pointed out, staying on his stomach, weaving an arm around Donnie's waist to hug him a little.
"I'm okay." Donnie said, speaking as slow as he could in the hopes that it would hide how not-okay he was.
"Do you want to sleep?" Leo asked next. "I could take watch."
"Respectfully, you could not watch an ant farm at the moment."
"Why not?"
"You have a head injury."
"Oh. But you need rest to feel better, D. You should sleep."
Donnie quietly bit down on his own knuckles to suffocate the urge to scream at him again. Then he said, voice a mockery of what he wanted it to sound like, "And you need to rest from your head injury."
"Come on, Don." Leo's voice projected a reassuring smile that Donnie could not see. "This egghead'll be fine, I'm sure. I can keep watch. You deserve to rest."
Donnie didn't bother to voice, 'and you don't?'. Because he knew what Leo's answer would be, and he didn't want to hear it. Especially not when he wasn't going to remember this in ten minutes.
And ten minutes later, Leo said, "Hey D?"
"I'm okay." Donnie answered pre-emptively. "You have a head injury. You are currently trying to get some sleep so it will get better. Close your eyes and count to a thousand."
A startled silence. Then Leo said, "Sorry."
Donnie sighed, bitter that he hadn't kept the annoyance out of his tone. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. Just. Close your eyes and count. Okay?"
"Okay."
It was quiet for a while. Donnie could practically feel the moment Leo forgot what he was doing, as he began to shift distractedly.
This wasn't going to work. Not when Leo was so fundamentally opposed to resting. Donnie brought out the big guns and rested his hand on the back of his neck, stroking his thumb gently. Trying to communicate through constant mechanical feedback to Leo that he was meant to be sleeping, even if he forgot from moment to moment.
That did relax some of the tension rolling up and down Leo's figure. Snuffling and burrowing closer to Donnie. And miraculously, hiding his face, breath going even and slow.
Asleep. Donnie was selfishly grateful for the reprieve, because if he had to listen to the same question again he would not be held accountable for his actions. Maybe Raph or Mikey would've been the better brother to have in this situation, because Donnie didn't have the grace or compassion to patiently answer the same thing over and over.
But then the quiet sung loud. Donnie had discarded his headphones earlier, finding the unbuffered prison dimension to have the most haunting low-pitched hum at the edge of his hearing that made him slightly miserable. But he couldn't bring himself to put his headphones back on now that he knew there had been a level of suffering that Leo was enduring that he wasn't. Plus he wanted to have as much capability of being on guard as possible.
The exhaustion was a thick heavy soup, since it had been a while since he slept himself, and left with a snoozing Leo on his lap he was put on guard once again. He was put in charge of the most important thing in this place. He was reminded of all the agonies that came with owning a physical form in hell.
Thumb stroking the neck of that important thing, as a cold nose dug closer into his side. Donnie could feel the rip-tear of hunger starting a riot. The itch-burn of pierced wounds in his leg. The woozy distant heat of maybe-fever fighting with the surrounding cold hooked into his skin. Shivers. A slow blink at the entrance, as the sight wobbled and resolved back into clarity.
Then his brain started to play a fun game, about an hour or two into Leo's rest. That it would be fine if Donnie slept too. He could curl up against his twin, holding his shell to his chest and just doze into the blissful sleep. He was so tired, and his eyes definitely could close. If they died in their sleep -- well, at least they'd die together. It was fine. He could just...
Blink awake again. Remind himself of reality. Remember the truth. Stay awake, keep watch. Donnie traced letters on the back of Leo's neck. Their names. Their family's names. He thought about how Mikey was such a little guy but his full name got five whole syllables. Then switched to kanji, just to mix it up.
That wasn't distracting enough. It felt like Mikey and Raph and Dad and April were in the room with them, watching and disapproving of his choices. That there was some obvious action here that Donnie should've been doing that he hadn't thought of. But he was so tired. It dragged him down relentlessly. The twitch of fever, the promise of --
What was that?
Donnie stopped breathing, listening. It was the same empty echo, the low pitched hum, the nothing nothing nothing. Leo wasn't grinding his teeth. There was nothing.
Or maybe there was something.
Donnie inhaled careful, shaky, staring with huge eyes at the entry way. It shimmered and swayed. Was something there? He became dizzy with the sheer effort of his heart pounding. And -- a flash of red?
A thousand decisions came screeching into his head at once. Donnie knew what he had to do -- because Leo was hurt, he was compromised, he was vulnerable. If Donnie could just -- if he could just put himself there, then maybe they wouldn't even know Leo was here. He shuffled Leo off his lap, trembling, staring because the cave walls seemed the same slick-dark. The red was faded. But if Donnie just stepped outside, then they'd stop looking, right? They would leave Leo alone.
Donnie got to his feet. He felt like he was struck by lightning, the bolt of pain from his leg, but he pushed forward. Stumbling and catching himself. Agony racing and racing in circles, the useless flesh barely able to support himself, the shock of pain more a hindrance than anything.
He could hear nothing beyond the snare drum of his own heart. The world swum in colour, spinning and dizzy and weird. Donnie reached the mouth of the cave and staggered out, ready for --
A hum. Nothing. Donnie stood there, feeling like gravity was ten times the speed. It was all just the side of wrong, just off. There was no red. There was only stars and darkness and his little rock, his cave, and no Kraang.
He stared and stared and stared at the nothing. There was nothing.
The worst was that he had no way of knowing if he had actually seen red in the mouth of the cave, or if it had been a hallucination. There was no possible way to determine the difference, because all he could see out here was a whole lot of nothing. He was going to be stuck with the knowledge that he didn't know if that was just something he terrifying genius brain just made up, or if it actually happened. And Donnie fucking hated not knowing the answer.
He stood there for probably far too long, waiting to see if he could figure out if it was safe to go back inside, or if Prime was actually there. Everything just spinning, and it was hard to remain upright, and he just wasn't sure if he was making the right decision at all.
Then he heard, a numbly terrified, "Tello?"
It broke the spell. Donnie returned, bracing his shoulder against the cave wall, calling back, "I'm here, Leo."
"Why are you there?" Leo was sitting up, and Donnie swore repeatedly in his head that his stupid twin was awake again after like maybe two hours of rest. The slur was gone from his voice, at least.
"No reason." Donnie lied, struggling back to the nest, where Leo was reaching for him to support his slide back down.
"You're really bad at lying." Leo told him, not letting go even once Donnie was settled beside him again. "Why the fuck are you walking on that leg?"
"I thought I saw something." Donnie replied, around the ashes in his mouth.
Leo stared at him. His pupils were still a little big, but they'd significantly gone down now. The depths of them locked Donnie with a look that told him he'd fucked up.
"Saw something." Leo repeated slow.
"There wasn't anything." Donnie assured, nervous. Hoping maybe -- well. Maybe that Leo would miss how much of a hypocrite he apparently had the capacity for.
"I must've hit my head pretty hard." Leo said, icicle. "I must be on some other planet where you are the biggest hypocrite to walk the surface."
Nope. No dice. "I wasn't thinking, I just -- I just went outside to check."
"Lying." Leo sing-songed, acidic. "What's your thought process, huh? Hold on, shut up, let me guess. You thought, hey, if I go out there and something is up, then maybe I'll just leave Leo behind so he can't get hurt. Wow. What an astonishing turn of events that you tore me apart for making the exact same--"
Then Leo broke off, grabbing his head in his hands and groaning. "Fuck, you're making my head hurt worse."
Donnie choked on his apology. He said instead, "How's that concussion treating you?"
Leo gave him a venomous glare that kinda hurt more than it normally would. "We're not dropping this, Donatello."
"Yes we are." Donnie loudly announced, hoping maybe he'd just forget. The room was spinning. He was angry that he got caught doing something stupid, something so Leo.
Leo scoffed, equally upset. He quickly sat up, a tirade of sharp words on his tongue that he ended up visibly swallowing eyes going wide and face draining of colour.
"Lay back down." Donnie snapped. They were still holding hands, tight, and he dragged his twin back down with that grip. "Don't throw up."
Leo's eyes fluttered back into his head for a moment, but he stumbled through an immediate, "I'm not going to."
"Mhm." Donnie said, tense. "It was nothing. I'm not good at sitting idle and my eyes started to play tricks on me or something. I just... reacted."
"Hallucination?" The turtle in his lap struggled through a couple unsteady breaths and blindly reached up with to press freezing fingers to the cheek he could reach. "You're really warm, Tello."
"And you're really cold." Donnie tipped forward to press his head against his shoulder. Leo untangled their fingers to give him a hug, holding on tight.
The temperature eventually evened out between them.
Chapter Text
Donnie seriously didn't mean to fall asleep on his concussed twin, but one moment he was just holding on, the next he was struggling out of sleep with the hunted feeling that he hadn't meant to drift off. He roused with a sharper inhale.
"You're okay." Leo said, from underneath him. Because Donnie had curved over his shell, sleeping with his cheek pressed against the patterns.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep." Donnie mumbling, feeling really awful about it.
"It's fine." Leo replied.
Donnie paused. He couldn't read the vibes, if Leo remembered what he'd tried to do the 'night' before. He autistically decided to just voice his thoughts, knowing that Leo wouldn't judge him for the bluntness. "Are we fighting? Because I'd like to know if we are."
"My head hurts too much to fight." Leo said. Damn it. So he did remember.
Donnie straightened up, hoping to deflect. "Can I check your head?"
"If you must." Leo rolled over and let Donnie look. His pupils looked almost normal, though he gave a pained squint when Donnie lit his markings to see closer. He tracked his finger in a much smoother line this time.
"As far as my rudimentary understanding can tell, you are doing better." Donnie decided. He was afraid to touch the makeshift bandage on his head, worried it would dislodge and begin to bleed in earnest again. There had just been so much blood.
"Just had a little rattle." Leo gave a smile, teeth no longer stained red. "I'll survive. You, on the other hand, feel like a furnace. Can I check your leg?"
Turnabout was fair play. Donnie allowed him to peel back the bandages and check, the two of them coordinating boiling more scraps, bemoaning their dwindling resource.
Leo moved slow, in visible and obvious pain, wracked with fits of dizziness that he sat perfectly still to ride out. But otherwise he was not asking Donnie the exact same question over and over, which was a vast improvement.
Though there was something on Leo's mind. It was in the way he kept flickering his eyes over to Donnie, then looking away. It wasn't... upset, like Donnie would expect from the probable hallucination fuelled hypocritical decision to leave earlier. It was something else.
Donnie didn't have the energy to pry it out of him right now, mostly because he had a terrible sense of foreboding that he wasn't going to like whatever it was. Instead he allowed the painful process of changing his bandages, keeping his sanity by studiously not looking at Leo's face when he saw what was underneath. He rated the pain at an level 5. The hot swelter of fever at least was welcome in the cold atmosphere, even if the implications were shit.
Leo fixed him up. His flawless medic hands shook as he worked. Then they resettled back into position, shoulder to shoulder in their small nest.
And it hung between them. The big 'what now'.
"Talk to me." Donnie said.
"Even if you'll get mad?" Leo replied, promptly.
"I thought your head hurt too much to fight." Donnie pointed out.
"Yeah, but you're not gonna like it. So."
Donnie traced his eyes on the opposite cave wall, feverish brain running through possibilities of what he was talking about. There was really only one thing it could be. "You can't."
"What's the alternative?" Leo implored.
"I could go." Donnie said.
"You can't walk."
"I did. I have. You have a concussion."
"It's getting better." Leo dismissed immediately.
"Oh yeah?" Donnie was a bit of an asshole and turned to flick Leo directly in the forehead.
His twin clutched at his head, eyes watering, and hissed, "Fuck off, D. Jesus."
"You're not going anywhere." Donnie said, firm and absolute.
"Neither are you." Leo snapped back, not raising his head from his hands.
"Then we're not."
Silence swirling around them.
An impasse. No movement from either side. Leo still didn't raise his head. There was no sound, just the low-level hum, the slow cycle of two sets of lungs breathing in time.
Donnie curled up and shut his eyes, finding they were burning with fever. A few minutes later, Leo shifted and tugged him close, sheltering Donnie in his arms. Neither spoke. Donnie slept for a little while. His dreams were of a red light, but every time he opened his eyes the walls were painted in a nightlight of soft blue.
He woke at one point to find Leo slumping into him, so he switched positions. Leo didn't argue, one hand pressed against his head, and shut his eyes. Boneless against his twin. He rested for a few hours himself, eyes twitching underneath the lids and even grinding his teeth a bit.
Not for long. Until it was just the two of them awake again, sitting in the nothing, only pain and contemplation for company.
"How long do you think it's been since we last ate?" Leo asked. They'd shuffled to sitting shoulder to shoulder again.
Donnie could feel his pulse in his leg, the pain tweaking his nerves with every beat of his heart. The hunger was a different kind of pain, one like a tight ball of knives right in his middle, making everything dizzy and sore. His sense of time was getting weaker and weaker with how long they'd been in there, but he was pretty sure they'd passed the seven day mark by now. "At least a week."
The heaviness of the statement stuck on them. A whole week in hell. A week without food. How far would their genetically modified super-soldier thing carry them? Or did the fact that they were meant they had to eat more, and was actually reducing how much time they had left?
"The situation hasn't changed." Leo said, in a voice that one time may have been smooth and charming. All of the edges were roughed. "We still won't find any food if we aren't looking."
"Then wait until I can come with you." Donnie insisted. "Don't leave me here alone again, especially not if you're going to die out there."
"Wait until what, D?" Leo pressed his fingers to Donnie's forehead and they were ice cold. Or maybe Donnie was just too hot.
Donnie opened his mouth to say when he got better and the ashes of words refused to dust beyond his throat. Would he get better? Or was it all just downhill from here?
"Is it infected?" Donnie asked, trying to keep his monotone clinical.
Leo hesitated. "It's really deep. I'm trying to keep an eye on it, but your fever isn't encouraging."
Donnie scoffed, knocking Leo's hand away. "Come on, L. You know I get fevers easy. I always have."
Growing up it felt like his body's first reaction to anything was fever. Minor colds that the others easily brushed off, any kind of vaccine, hell sometimes over-stimulation was bam fever.
"Run me through it." Donnie asked. "What are the signs of infection?"
"Fever." Leo said, promptly.
"Great. But we can't narrow that down, because I'm a fever boy. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it's from the hunger. Give me more narrowing evidence."
"An increasing redness around the wound area, especially a red streak towards the heart."
"Big yikes. Have I got that?"
"No."
Donnie was glad to hear it, because that definitely didn't sound good. "Alright, continue."
"Swelling. Which you do have."
"Yes, and I also have a fucked up ankle right next to it. I don't think we can narrow that down. Hit me again."
"Pus." Leo replied, slower. "Exudate is common in most wounds, it's only when it begins to appear thick or clouded that it's a sign of infection."
"Have you noticed that with my wound?" Donnie asked.
"Not yet."
"What it sounds like to me is that you cannot definitively conclude that I have an infection." Donnie stretched his leg out in front of him, wincing. It hurt, but that was to be expected suffering a wound like that with no painkillers. Hell, that could be the fever itself. Too much pain.
"But you -- it just. There's no way that the treatment I've given you won't end in infection."
"Leon." Donnie said, aching, and leaned into his brother. "You're taking good care of me."
"It's not enough." Leo's eyes were wet and huge and he looked away with a pant, wincing and grabbing his head again. "I just. I can't see it ending any other way. And if you get up and run around, it'll be worse. You gotta heal."
"Hey, do you wanna remind me what the treatment for concussion is, again?" Donnie asked, loudly.
Leo's teeth clicked shut and he turned away, jaw clenching.
"Yeah." Donnie crossed his arms, shivering despite the heat in his body. "That's what I thought."
The silence was far more strained.
"Why do we have to keep arguing in circles all the time?" Leo said, sore and tired.
"Because we're both too stubborn for our own good." Donnie replied, a little muffled, equally tired.
Leo sighed. "Listen. I don't wanna pull this out, but it seems a little unfair for you to be against me going out to find food considering what happened last night."
"You're really gonna blame me for my decisions made in a feverish haze?" Donnie said, even as a wire began to choke him, tightly knotted around his trachea at the thought of how quick he was to get on his feet and leave Leo behind. It was a stupid decision.
"You can't say you don't want me to leave you alone, then leave me alone in the same breath." Leo replied, sharp words like a knife sliding between Donnie's ribs. Precise and calculated to win.
"Oh, please." Donnie snapped, reactionary to that pain. "As if you have a problem leaving me."
Leo flinched and looked visibly hurt. He said, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Come on, you think I haven't noticed how eager you are to get away from me?" Donnie pulled his good leg up to hug, feeling miserable all over, a whole-body affliction, and probably not about Leo at all. But Leo was the only one there.
"Eager -- D, you're being ridiculous."
"Ridiculous." Donnie scoffed, loud, and hurt too. "Don't dismiss my feelings."
Leo's expression snapped. "Dismiss what feelings, robot boy? Is this really what you want to do right now? Pick a fight with me for, what? Trying to keep us alive? Just because you're too desperate to let me out of your sight?"
It was Donnie's turn to flinch. A wave of red-hot upset rolled over him, and he spat back, "Tell me how you really feel, wow, thank you so much for those kind words from my brother in our moments of suffering. Which is sarcasm, by the way."
"I know it's sarcasm, you don't have to tell me, I'm not tone-deaf like you."
"Please, try harder to be mean. I know you're only saying that on purpose to upset me."
"Oh, you know that, huh?" Leo said, and oh, it was Donnie's absolute least favourite thing, a mocking tone of voice. That red-hot rushed all the way up his head and he felt tears sting the corners of his eyes.
"Fuck you." Donnie tried to sound acidic, bulletproof, steel and wit. He sounded fucking pathetic.
It was always just like Leo, to take a fight he didn't even want to have and win it thoroughly. Donnie turned away from him, keeping himself distinctly separate, and stared at the opposite wall. Viciously biting back tears in his already feverish eyes.
"What's the plan here, huh?" Donnie asked the wall, voice rippling in upset he could not disguise. "You're trying to piss me off enough that I'll just let you go again? Because you think, in some fucked up way that I could ever hate you enough to want you punished for it? Want you dead? Is that what you think of me?"
No reply. Donnie shuddered through a breath or two, keeping the tears at bay like holding in a leaking damn with only two palms.
"Well?" Donnie prompted, when there was still nothing. "Come on, where's your bravado, where's your sharp tongue now? I'm in for the full twin experience as I have been since day one. Hit me with your best shot, you damn asshole."
"Nothing's changed." Leo spoke, and his own voice was rasping, possibly choking back his own tears. "It's still the same as before, I need to go and find food. You are too injured to move and have to stay here. You were fine with it before."
"Fine with it is a very generous statement. And that was before you were concussed."
"It won't slow me down." Leo cleared his throat, steadying his tone. "My head hurts, but I can manage otherwise. Maybe it's not a bad infection right now, but if I start dragging you around out there you'll definitely get one. And I'll be honest, your presence would just kind of be a weight I don't need."
Donnie flinched again at that, the word burden pulsing in his brain. He asked for his asshole twin to talk to him, so here they were.
"You could get killed out there." Donnie said, the flash of blood on his swaying twin's teeth burnt into his mind.
"And we could get killed in here. It's no different, it's just a damn illusion of safety. What if whatever you saw yesterday was real? I have to try. Damn it, Donnie, I have to at least try to save you."
"Save us." Donnie couldn't kept it down his throat anymore.
"What?" Leo snapped back, thrown.
"Save us, you sacrificial fucking lamb. You have to save us. I'm tired of pretending that you're being in any way healthy about this whole situation." Donnie felt like he was living in a dream he had, of hanging off a ledge holding onto his brother, only for him to chop his own arm off.
"Oh, excuse, let me just get my damn handbook on the healthy behaviours in hell!" Leo exclaimed, the sound of his voice pinging sharp echoes back and forth and back and forth in the small space.
"As if this started here!" Donnie whirled around to shout back, only to be treated with the sight of Leo cringing and grabbing his head. Guilt was a punch socked in his stomach, but he swallowed the apologies before they could escape his throat. He didn't want Leo to make the fatal error of thinking he was sorry for his words, which he wasn't, just at the volume he said them.
"I had to fix it." Leo's lip snarled up, face dark, meeting Donnie's furious stare head on. "Just like I have to fix this. The stupid decision you made to follow me here."
All the wild emotions threw themselves up and rattled around. Donnie breathed heavily through his nose, rendered almost speechless from the targeted attack. All his weak points at once. The overwhelmed feeling tangled his tongue up in a heavy lock. He managed to choke out, "You are not going anywhere."
Leo's blazing stare said, how are you going to stop me?
Donnie inhaled, and met it with all his own willpower in his gaze, how are you going to make me?
Eyes flickering over Donnie's form. Neither of them wanted to break the stand-off first. And as Donnie watched, he saw the strategic plans form in Leo's mind, a blueprint developing, then he turned away. He broke the gaze first, shuffling further from Donnie's side, and hugged his arms around himself.
He didn't look at Donnie. There was absolutely no indication what he'd decided, beyond the obviously calculated give-up by breaking away first.
But Donnie didn't believe it for a second. He stared, narrowed and trying in his pain-riddled, hot-feverish brain to determine what kind of play this was. What his brother would give up in order to win. Because this was obviously something where Leo was three moves ahead, and Donnie couldn't see the big picture enough to know what he was standing to lose.
The two stayed separated, barely on the edge of their nest on either side, not speaking. Time passed slow. They slept a little on either side, had a little more water. The frosty silence cutting between them.
Donnie was dragged down by the multitude of agonies again and again. He slept unevenly, feeling prickled and unsafe without anything to hold onto.
And the third time he woke, Leo was gone.
[]
Raph knew that the moment Mikey was released from the med bay that he would have to confront answering that question again.
His baby brother was practically shredded from the effort, the blistered cracks underneath his bandages still managing to spot the white with red. And Raph knew that it hurt, because his hands hurt too. Crawling like fire ants, stinging relentlessly and keeping him awake at night. He could only imagine how Mikey felt, because his hands were worse.
And yet. There was no doubt in Raph's mind that Mikey was going to try and find a way to save them as soon as he was released, come hell or high water. Raph had no idea what he was going to do -- if it was his responsibility to help him or stop him.
It felt like being pulled in two different directions. Like being compressed between two opposite magnets. On one hand, the idea of his brothers locked in a prison dimension with a monster was actually torture, it hurt more than anything he'd ever experienced, stealing his breath away when he so much as thought about it. His mind was capable of running different horrific scenarios, the idea that they were already dead and any efforts were too late, the idea that they were alive and suffering, the idea that they needed Raph and he wasn't there, he was dithering and useless.
On the other hand, it was the moment the blood drained from Mikey's face and he collapsed. That they could try and save them, and kill his baby brother. That he would ever willingly put Mikey into danger. As Dad said, their lives weren't currency. And that was even considering if they could succeed -- what about the nightmare scenario that they try and fail and he loses Mikey too?
It had been a week since he last set eyes on the twins, and Raph felt as if he hadn't escaped the panic attack he was swimming in for even a moment. Completely incapable of making any decision, even simple ones, agonizing and agonizing and feeling like he had never been more of a failure of a brother than he was right now.
When Draxum declared Mikey well enough to escape the med bay, Raph was waiting for him to appear, because he knew all his brothers like the back of his hand. And Mikey was a force of nature, he was the sun -- a burning unstoppable star ready and waiting -- and he was going to come bursting into Raph's room to get around Splinter's decree that they could not try again.
"Raphael." Mikey announced, bursting in his room, face painted in grim determination that could throw skyscrapers. "Come on, get up, we've got work to do."
"Hey Mike." Raph held out his hands, bandaged in mirror to him. "Come here a sec?"
Mikey hesitated in the doorway, visible conflict. "You're not talking me out of this. You have to help me, I know you want them back too."
"Come 'ere." Raph repeated, just as stubborn.
Mikey got close enough that he couldn't escape the hug Raph swallowed him in. Luckily, he didn't attempt, melting into his bigger arms and squeezing Raph tight.
He held onto his baby brother. He didn't know what the right thing to do was. He needed to figure this out. He needed to be cunning like Leo and smart like Donnie.
"Raph." Mikey began to squirm, the longer Raph just held him and said nothing.
"Sorry." Raph let go, still at a loss of what he was meant to do, but knowing if he didn't stick with Mikey then his brother was going to do it with or without him. "What are you thinking?"
"You're going to help?" Mikey said, stars in his eyes, leaning back enough to scan Raph's face for the truth.
Raph tried to draw on all the parts of him that would've gotten osmosis from the twins over the years to say, attempting to sound in any way confident, "We can't just attempt the same thing a second time. It didn't work, we need to change some... variables? Is that the word?"
"Yeah. Draxum's here, we should talk to him." Mikey tugged on Raph's hand, dragging him from his room. "He must have some idea that we haven't thought of, he knows all this mystic stuff super well."
"Sounds like a good place to start." Raph let himself be pulled along, let himself float along in the unstoppable current of his brother. He didn't say that if Draxum had some idea, he would've told them already.
Mikey stopped dead in the hallway, throwing back his arm to stall Raph, eyes narrowed. Raph stopped too, slipping into ninja mode on reflex, hearing what Mikey caught -- that Draxum was already talking, with Dad of all people.
They crept closer, just barely getting within earshot.
"... the cracks will have to heal in their own time." Draxum was saying, voice low and solemn. "But there is nothing more that confining him to the med bay will help."
"You have not known Michelangelo as long as I have." Splinter replied, equally grave, but with a hint of desperation. "He will have run directly to Raphael to talk his brother into trying again. Any healing he's accomplished will swiftly be undone. And perhaps even made worse. I don't know how I can bear to put my foot down and stop them, when I think about..."
A choked cut off.
"It is a miracle that Michelangelo is alive at all." Draxum said, into the resulting silence. Slow and measured. "It was the correct decision to stop him."
"There is no stopping. Slowing, perhaps. Redirecting, if we are lucky. But he will not give up."
"And Raphael?"
Raph felt numb all over, limbs TV static. He didn't want to hear what Dad had to say about his cowardice, his crushing fear and indecision and failure. Mikey flashed his eyes at him, looking, listening, but didn't give Raph any indication of what he was thinking.
"Red puts his whole heart and soul into protecting his brothers. I could not be prouder at his dedication, but it would have him ripped to shreds at the moment. I fear for his mental state if ... ah. Well. There is no path I can foresee that will not be agony for my sweet son."
Mikey reached out and gripped Raph's arm. He didn't say anything. Neither of them moved, waiting and listening. Hoping for more. Hoping for something else.
"What about you?" Draxum asked.
"What about me?" Splinter repeated, in a haunted voice. "I want to hold my Blue. I want to tell my Purple how proud of him I am. I would give up almost anything for them, but I will not give up my remaining sons. You have been in their lives a short time, Draxum, but I know they have touched you. Imagine how I must feel to lose my whole world. They are ..."
Raph felt torn apart. And the world itself may have ended, when the tears cracked down the middle of Splinter's words, and he pleaded, "I want my twin babies back."
"I cannot give you them back." Draxum said, and his own tone had actually gotten a little gravelly too. "The risks are innumerable. Let alone the power it takes to crack a hole in the dimension that is specifically designed to lock its inhabitants inside, you risk letting out the same thing you set to trap. You risk breaking the universes apart only to find the dead bodies of your sons. You risk the world."
"I told you, my world is in there." Splinter said, voice tired. "Please. Tell me there is some alternative. Tell me there is something we haven't considered. Please, I do not beg for much but I will do anything. There must be something."
The quiet was so loud. Raph waited for the magic words, for the hope to lit again. He waited. And he kept waiting.
"I'm sorry, Lou." Draxum said, and he did sound sorry. It didn't help the sunken rock in Raph's stomach. It didn't help the way his chest felt like it was expanding and collapsing at once from senseless anxiety that had not eased, not even for a moment.
Mikey's face was shadowed when he spun around and dragged Raph away, not even approaching the two. Raph followed, uncaring if they heard the retreat, numb all over, numb to feeling and to sensation and just numb numb numb.
Mikey locked them in his room, taking up a rapid pace up and down the length, shaking out his hands and breathing hard. He muttered, "He's wrong, he's wrong. There's something, I know there's something."
"Careful of your hands, Mikes." Raph said, through the numbness.
"I don't give a shit about my hands!" Mikey exploded, and the pace was a tight wind, back and forth. "He wasn't lying, he would've told Dad more than he was ever gonna tell us anyway, so we will just have to find something else ourselves. Fine! Fine. We can do that. We can do anything. We are Hamato."
"We are Hamato." Raph echoed, like putting the words into the atmosphere would make him believe it, would make him feel anything.
"We could do it this time." Mikey whirled on Raph, eyes wild and huge. "We could. My ninpo was drained from fighting last time. If we tried right now, I know we could get it, baby. I'm all good and healed up, Barry even said so. I could do it now."
Raph stared at him. He knew, that if he said no, that Mikey would do it anyway. Left alone for longer than two minutes, his baby brother would tear himself to pieces at the smallest chance.
"You heard Dad." Mikey accused, when Raph didn't speak. "He wants his twin babies back." And Mikey's voice cracked in the exact same place Splinter's had. "We need to do this for him. We need to -- before it's too late. We need to do this. Raph, I need you to do this with me."
Something about the desperation in Mikey's stare reminded him of Leo so much it hurt, the jump into the portal, the 'hero moves are totally your style'. And Donnie had leap in after him, that the smartest person he'd ever met looked at that situation and decided that was the best way to fix it.
Raph couldn't go anywhere. But there had to be another solution, because they were Hamato, they were special, they had so much power, skills and untapped potential --
Then a calm settled over Raph. An idea emerged. He inhaled deeply, taking a moment to sort through the options, to be the best of all his brothers. All the things they'd taught him over the years. Being Hamato was not being alone, it was give and take, it was everything.
"I will do it with you." Raph promised, and Mikey had never been more like the sun with how he lit up with hope. "But we will do it right. I have an idea."
"Raphie, you are amazing." Mikey breathed, and threw himself at him. "Really? Truly?"
Raph caught him and clutched his baby brother close, spinning him around and nuzzling the side of his head. "Of course, Mikey. Of course. You just need to trust me, okay?"
"I trust you." Mikey vowed, squeezing tight. "What do we need to do?"
Raph inhaled. He could do this. No. He would do this. There was no other option, with his brothers involved.
Chapter 12
Notes:
SORRY IN ADVANCE
Chapter Text
The anger was easy, at first. It burnt hot and bright, like standing next to a blistering bonfire. Crackling flames crawling up his throat, and he screamed Leo's name.
No reply. Donnie was alone. He was alone, and he didn't even know where Leo had gone. Sure, he could guess that he'd left again to get food, but he didn't know.
It was so easy for Leo to walk away from him. His twin always did exactly what he wanted and only that, and Donnie couldn't stop him.
The spitting rage at his brother could not sustain him. A chasm opened up in his chest, yawning sheer cliff-sides of despair. It was so poignant and strong it felt as if the power of it may just kill him. He had screamed that he didn't want Leo to leave him alone. And Leo had left. And Donnie had no way of knowing, in this moment, if he would ever see him again.
For his whole life Donnie had wished he had one power. Well, okay, the power to summon constructs with his mind was pretty freaking cool. But even though he didn't believe in magic, he'd always wished for one thing in particular.
Anytime something bad was happening, anything something changed, Donnie would live in this state of suspension, of waiting to find out if it was going to be okay. And he hated the way it made him feel, like he was standing in the middle of a tightrope, breathless. Suspended and unable to move forwards or backwards.
And Donnie would grind the thoughts in his mind in the world's worst rumination, stuck in place until things were better.
When they had been forced to move, Donnie hated it, he felt like it was the end of the world and he'd never be okay with their new lair. Then a few months down the road it was easy as breathing, and he wished over and over that he could reach back into the past and tell that Donnie who was so torn up over change that it would be okay, he didn't have to feel like that.
That was the other half of time travel conundrum. If it was real, then he'd already have the lottery numbers. And he'd know everything was going to be okay.
Donnie wanted to beg and plead with his future self to send him a message, any kind of sign that it was going to be okay. Because having to exist with this feeling inside him was too much, he couldn't stand it for another second.
Then another second passed and another second passed and another second passed. Leo still wasn't there. Donnie was still alive.
A hundred thousand things he wanted to scream at his twin came to mind and dissolved into the ether just as quickly as they came, because he wasn't there. The cave was cold and frost slicked. Their pile of scraps was reduced to barely enough to make a proper nest, having been pillaged for bandages. The silence had its persistent low-level hum that infested his brain with a plague of unnerving wasps. And the pain was an unspoken monster hunched against the ceiling, grinning with multitudes of teeth and promises. He would die here. He would die here alone.
Donnie couldn't breathe. He hunched over his stomach, trying to draw breath in, trying to stop how it felt like the cave walls were closing in on him. He attempted to do what he had before, to tell himself he was strong and powerful and he could protect himself -- but it failed to work this time, because he was feverish and in pain and weak and useless and his corpse would make a lovely addition to this fine cave. Maybe he could peel back the bandages, dip his fingers in his festering wounds and paint the walls in his own blood. What would he say? I love you?
Hysteria encircled his trachea. Despite the anger, the despair, everything, the answer hadn't changed. It was loving his family that killed him. Even with everything, he wouldn't change a thing. What a foolish genius he was. How mortal of him.
It was absolutely impossible to tell how much time had passed, because Donnie was swimming in the relentless thrums of a panic attack. It could've been minutes or days. And then there was a flash of blue, and the world restarted again.
More than just the lithe figure of his twin, a loud thud of something heavy and fleshy hitting the stone floor and echoing harshly in the space. Donnie held his breath, staring with huge eyes at the sudden appearance of his twin, anxiously scanning for injuries.
Leo was trembling, but there was no pour of blood, just an incredibly uneven smile, eyes desolate. But even so, he spoke in a fabricated voice around all that, "I got you a burger."
Donnie didn't have any words at all. He flickered his eyes down, to the thing that Leo had brought along, and ew? Gross?
All pink flesh, a bloody wound split through the centre that matched the drip-drip of blood off the blade of Leo's sword. A flop of four spindly legs lined with sharp claws, and an unhinged jaw of equally dangerous teeth. It might, generously, be called a dog.
Donnie opened his mouth to say something and he was door-slammed with non-verbal, unable to so much as breathe a consonant. He swallowed, trying to catch up with the last few moments. It was something to have to reel himself back from the black spiral of what felt so certainly like death.
Leo sheathed his sword on his back and approached Donnie with his hands up. He said, "Yikes. Hi. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, okay? I shouldn't have done that. But it's okay, because I got food. You're gonna be okay now. I'm sorry."
Donnie couldn't help but flinch, because Leo had no idea what he'd just put Donnie through. And Leo stopped his approach, looking momentarily destroyed, before he tucked it away with a travesty of a smile. "I get it. I get it. I'll just. I'll work on this."
His twin turned around and grabbed his spoils, dragging the corpse away from their nest before inspecting the hound from all angles, lifting the limbs and checking for obviously the best place to cut. Donnie struggled through breathing.
A spill of blood on the cave floor as Leo hacked off a section of Kraang hound. Donnie did some tactical breathing, not taking his eyes off Leo, because Leo was there. Leo brought him food.
Donnie felt his understanding blossom, as he anticipated what was about to happen. Leo was going to make him a burger and Donnie was going to eat it, because he was so hungry that there was no universe where he had the willpower to turn it away, to stick to his guns and not eat the only food in this entire hell.
And the day before, when Leo had stared at him and looked away with a plan in his eyes, he had known that.
The fury washed over him, along with helplessness and humiliation -- that Leo had known he couldn't uphold his implicit threat and taken advantage of that.
Leo approached him again, hovering and looking worried. He was holding a slab of truly disgusting looking meat, slimy and fresh. He didn't say anything.
Donnie struggled with his words, trying to gather them, trying to slot the puzzle pieces into place. It was all cobbled, and maybe if Leo wasn't standing there with his fucking mask tied around shitty bandages on his forehead and swaying, well. Donnie was always weak for his twin. He didn't forgive him, but he flapped a hand irritably for him to sit. He could yell at him after they ate.
"Boil or sear?" Leo asked, fingers dripping with the disgusting blood.
Donnie had no idea. It was Kraang, so he'd really prefer if it was triple dead. He pulled two fingers through his open palm. 'Both?'
"Couldn't hurt, I guess. We'll need water first, then."
By the time they'd fumbled through boiling a pot of water, Donnie got his voice back. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say with it, because he didn't want to scream at Leo, and there wasn't anything else coming to mind.
"Feel so wrong to be boiling it like it's fucking potatoes." Leo muttered, and dropped the slab into the boiling pot. The joke fell heavy and unacknowledged between them, and Leo's shoulders hiked up higher. He watched the steam billow with some primal hurt on his face. He didn't speak again, and neither did Donnie.
Emotions took turns battering Donnie. But the physical sensation of hunger was the loudest. It was all consuming, a limitless void. They let the meat boil for ages, until they pulled the grey meat out and stared at the monstrosity. It felt like a particularly low moment for them to look at that and know they were going to have to eat it.
Donnie broke his silence to say, "We can never tell Mikey about this."
"Oh my gosh." Leo smiled like it hurt. "Somewhere at home right now he just got so offended."
Donnie snorted. They discarded the disgusting water to sear the meat on the bottom of the pot, using it to clean the blood off Leo's sword, with Donnie trying not to let on how much the extended energy was draining him.
"That's probably enough." Leo said, once the whole cave smelt unencouragingly of something one might call meat, obviously catching onto Donnie's struggle.
"I'd really rather overcook the meat of the beings capable of taking people's mind over." Donnie pointed out, dry as sandpaper.
Leo fell quiet again and let him cook the flesh to practically a crisp, making sure to get the heat all the way through and kill anything lurking inside. Only then did they shut off the little purple camping stove and stare at their food. The first meal in over a week.
Donnie swallowed nervously. He reached out to poke it, finding it had an unappetizing toughness. Probably all the overcooking. But the texture of it was going to be hell, he already knew. Gingerly, he peeled off a strip like beef jerky and gave it a sniff. It did not smell appealing in the slightest.
But Donnie was hungry. He wanted a damn burger. Here it was. He put it in his mouth, and oh man. Urgh. The texture alone was horrific. But the taste just elevated it to, hey look, there's new levels of misery you can experience in this hell! Chew on this leather sock! Don't think about the bleeding dead pink fleshy dog leaking blood on the other side of your tomb!
Chew. Chew. Chew a bit more. Donnie swallowed and it almost caught in his throat. He sat very still for a second, wrestling with Vomitello. The small fist of his stomach spun like a tilt-a-whirl. But once it settled, he was already tearing another bite off with his teeth. It was consumable. It was food.
Leo was watching him ravenously, eyes tracking as he chewed and swallowed, not making any move to touch the meat himself. A small measure of the tension in his shoulders leaked out the more that Donnie managed to eat.
"You don't need an invitation, Leon." Donnie said, once he managed to swallow.
"I..." Leo paused and shook his head. "You go first."
Donnie's stomach rolled from more than just the meat. He licked the char off his fingers, starving for the sustenance in the most disgusting way, and found himself absolutely perplexed by his brother. He said, searching, "Why?"
"I'm still feeling nauseous." Leo touched his bandaged head in show. "You just... you eat, okay?"
His jaw hurt from the effort needed to chew down the tough meat enough to swallow. His saliva was thick with fatty juices. Donnie pointed out, all of his trying to sound reasonable coloured wrong, "You literally haven't eaten in a week, Nardo. Even if you threw it up, it'd be better than nothing."
"I will eat." Leo promised.
Everything inside Donnie said not to believe him. It just didn't make any sense. What was he fulfilling by denying himself the food they'd fought so hard to get -- that specifically Leo had put himself through hell for? What did it prove?
Never before in his entire life had Donnie wanted to crawl into Leo's brain more. Everything was just so ridiculous. That they'd screamed at each other the day before. That he'd left Donnie alone while he was sleeping. That he'd shown up with the thing they needed to survive and now he wasn't touching it?
And a louder insecurity. That apparently it was obvious that Donnie wouldn't have the willpower to refuse the food when offered, but Leo did. He could do anything he wanted, including walk away from Donnie at any time with seemingly no consequences.
There was something inside Leo stronger than anything else that was happening out here. And it scared the shit out of Donnie, that there was a darkness that might be powerful enough to take his twin away from him. That he could claw at Leo to stay at his side like the fingernail scrapes down his forearm from when Prime tore them apart, but it would do nothing. That Leo would theoretically portal chop his own arm off just to give Donnie another ten minutes.
Donnie wanted to shake him, rattle him until his teeth knocked, because there was so much he was furious at Leo for, and it wasn't going to fix a single thing. The constant struggle that Donnie knew what Leo was doing, that he was doing something stupid, and he was continually powerless to fix it. A lovely little personal hell, in this much larger hell.
The meat quickly filled his shrunken stomach. Donnie felt a wave of exhaustion, heavy and sluggish, leaning back and pressing against the cramped pain of eating. He breathed through the urge to vomit, not wanting to lose a single nutrient, if there were any nutrients in a damn Kraang hound.
"Good?" Leo asked, something a little desperate in his tone that he could not mask completely.
"Good isn't the word I'd use." Donnie rubbed his eyes, sorting through the thick sensation taking over his body. "Repugnant, perhaps. Maybe even noxious."
"Don't throw up." Leo said.
"I'd seriously rather only taste this once, believe me." Donnie kicked the pot of horrifically cooked meat closer to his twin. "Your turn."
Leo hesitated.
Donnie let the steel flicker in his gaze, even through the fog of pain and heaviness. "You said you would."
"I ... did say that." Leo didn't even look down at the pot, chewing on his lip. Arms hugging himself from either side.
"You did." Donnie raised one scathing eyebrow. "Listen, you have forestalled my wrath at your decision so that I could eat the first fucking food I've had in a week. Consider that the ceasefire will be over very shortly, and you are going to want the fact that you've eaten on your side."
Leo audibly swallowed. He glanced down at the unappealing lump and said, "It took you a lot of energy to cook this. I just... I don't want that to be wasted."
Donnie stared at him as if he'd started speaking another language. "What is actually wrong with you? I cooked it specifically for us to eat, it wouldn't be wasting it?"
"You're injured, you need it more."
"You're injured too!" Donnie was apparently getting to the yelling early, whoops. And it was a shame he did, because Leo flinched and grabbed his head, solidly proving his point. He immediately dropped to a whisper-yell, "What, you think that headache is just for fun? You think I didn't get a front row seat to how much Prime metaphorically scrambled your egghead? You need food, stop being difficult and eat it."
"Hypocrite." Leo muttered, barely audible, looking away.
"Oh, buddy, you do not wanna do this right now." Donnie said, through gritted teeth.
The flash of pain on Leo's face said yeah, he probably didn't. But he buckled down and replied, tongue like a razor, "Hey, I just learned from the best, okay?"
Donnie reminded himself that Leo was hungry and that made him an asshole. He pointed firmly at the rapidly cooled meat and said, "You want to keep me alive, right? You want to protect me? You're not good to me if you're weak and hungry. So eat."
Leo expression locked down like Fort Knox. His jaw flexed. For a moment, Donnie thought he might get up and leave again. But after a moment he finally snatched up the meat and tore a piece off.
"I hate you." Leo said, tone harsh and mean, and put the piece in his mouth to begin the long process of chewing.
"Feeling's mutual." Donnie snapped and flopped back, exhausted that his biggest battles in this damn place were against his own stupid twin. He breathed heavily, staring at the ceiling instead of watching Leo struggle through the disgusting meal. He felt a little ill, the swim of stomach acid giving a bite of reflux up his throat.
Chewing. Another pull of meat. More chewing. It was a bit of a sensory hell to listen to, but at least it meant Leo was finally, finally eating. Maybe they had a chance. Certainly with food in his stomach, it felt a little more like they might. If they could rebuild their energy, if they could find a way to get home, maybe it would all be worth it.
A hollow thunk. Donnie glanced over to see Leo tossed the meat hunk back into the pot. To his relief, he'd made a good dent.
"Are you going to yell at me now?" Leo asked, and he was coated in the same tiredness that soaked and saturated Donnie the moment he had food in his stomach.
"Tell me why I'm mad at you." Donnie asked.
Leo's face flickered in conflict. It was an old game, meant to defuse even the most nuclear of the twin's fights. One of Splinter's secret weapons, where he would ask not what the other did -- but what they themselves had done wrong.
Even providing it as an option was a peace offering, that Donnie didn't want to scream at him and see that flinch. The anger was hot. The cave was much colder.
Leo inhaled. He exhaled. "I betrayed your trust and left when you were vulnerable and asleep to do exactly what you had asked me not to do." Then he shook his head. "You don't have to do this."
"Do what?" Donnie asked, trying not to let his frustration show.
"Forgive me."
"Leon." Donnie said, and didn't know where to go, how to play this game when Leo was trying to sabotage himself.
"Come on. I thought you hated me?" And that only proved his point, as the joking question was drenched in insecurity. In this strange desire for Donnie to just -- to hate him for what?
Donnie stared at his twin, cataloguing the misery, the exhaustion, and the resignation -- and wondered at what point Leo stopped following the fundamental rule that they fought, they made up, because they were twins and the whole point was that there wasn't a line they couldn't cross and not come back from, just like there wasn't a hell Donnie wouldn't jump into for him. As if he was going to stop loving him now.
"Leon." Donnie said again, then cleared his throat, because it caught. "I am furious with you. I genuinely don't think I've ever been this truly angry. But you have to understand. L, look at me. Look at me."
Reluctantly, Leo's eyes beginning to rim with red and too much emotion to name met his.
"I love my twin more today than I have every day before now." Donnie promised.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Leo asked, and his voice cracked.
"You're not playing the game right." Donnie pointed out, faking a mild tone. "You're meant to ask me now."
Leo shook his head, knuckles going white where he clutched his hands together in his lap. "I'm not mad at you."
"Not even a little?" Donnie smiled, as evil as he could make it considering the moment. "The yelling you did earlier says otherwise. How about for being a hypocrite? Leaving you alone to take on a theoretical Prime by myself? That just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, does it?"
Leo's jaw worked, and he turned his head away. Leo didn't want to play the game, because he didn't play games he couldn't win.
"Maybe for emotionally blackmailing you into eating. Hell, for the whole thing about refusing to drink the water. And goodness, Leonardo, you can't tell me you're not still pissed at me for jumping in here in the first place. Even I can tell when you mean what you say, and you sure as hell meant that." Donnie dug in hard, stubborn and unrelenting.
Their sins laid out between them. Each admitting their own. It did as it always had when Splinter implemented the strategy, taking the wind out of their sails. They both fucked up.
Dad wasn't there to play mediator, but the words came easily, a hundred times he stood between two twins trying to tear each other apart because they knew better than anyone exactly how. Donnie asked, "Leo, do you still love me?"
"That's not fair." Leo said, and the tears welled up dangerously in the corners of his eyes.
"Tick tock." Donnie pretended to look at a watch he didn't have, goading. "Come on, if I don't hear it, I'm going to think my twin doesn't love me. I'm going to take to heart all your shit. Or did you mean it? Do you hate me now? Wanna stop being twins? That's it, sixteen years was good enough, you're done with me now?"
"Donnie, stop." Thick, wet tears fell and rolled fast down either cheek, a clear path through dirt and grime. Leo's voice was precarious, on the edge, trembling.
"I'm waiting." Donnie ignored the shattered glass of his heart at watching Leo cry and making no move to fix it.
The tears dripped off Leo's chin. He was breathing heavy, white knuckles and rapid blinks. There was a river full of rapids of hurt between them, a swallowing distance untouched by either side. Leo left Donnie alone. Donnie made Leo cry. Stalemate.
"You know." Leo said, wet and unstable. "I don't have to tell you, you already know."
"Nope, you absolutely have to tell me." Donnie leaned back, allowing what little steel he had left to flint his gaze. What strength remained to be an unmovable object against the unstoppable force of his twin. "You want your damn penance? Answer my question. Do you still love me?"
A full body shudder. Leo tried to stem the tears, messy hands scrubbing at his face and making it all worse, sniffing huge and gross. His hands were shaking. He opened his mouth, then shut it. A small flush of colour on his cheeks.
"I can give you my answer again, if you'd like." Donnie said, around the knife stuck in his throat. "That I will not stop being your twin, not until the day I die. Maybe even then. And I meant what I said, there is no such thing as me loving you less. It builds on itself. It won't ever stop. You can't ever stop me from loving you. So don't bother trying."
The cave was left with only the sound of Leo's ragged breathing and gasping sobs. Donnie stared him down, the fragments of his heart shuddering in second-hand agony, as if seeing Leo's pain was the same as feeling it himself, all the way down to his bones.
His resolve was fracturing. He wanted to comfort Leo, to say it was okay, that he wasn't mad anymore, that he just wanted them to be okay. But Donnie held out a moment longer, just a moment longer, because he didn't want to lose this battle. He had no idea what was going through Leo's head anymore, what clouds of ash were shadowing his thoughts, what made him stare off into nothing, made him try to give up his water, his food, but worst of all seemed to be clogging his throat from the words that had always been so easy for Leo to say.
"You know I love you." Leo whispered, broken.
"Rephrase it as a definitive statement." Donnie said. Relentless.
Shining eyes shut and another pour of tears down either side of his face. Leo said, in a crackling voice, "I love you, Donnie."
"Was that so hard?" Donnie said, and immediately crawled over to reward his twin with an engulfing hug, unable to take another single second of not wrapping his arms around his sobbing brother to console him.
Leo clutched his arm and judging by the way his lungs wracked with sobs, yeah. It was that hard.
Donnie really wanted to maim anyone who made his twin cry. Unfortunately, that was him this time. It just -- it didn't make any logical sense. It was always how the game went. Splinter forced them to admit what they'd done wrong, then made them say that they loved each other anyway. The formula of it since they were little kids fighting over a skateboard. The first part was the one that took forever, when Donnie pretended he'd never done anything wrong in his life, or Leo started making up entirely different fake offences. The hard part was never the 'I love you'. That was the end of every phone call they'd ever had, that was under purple track-lights in the middle of the night, that was with huge eyes at the best birthday present ever.
Donnie thought about all the pieces he had in front of him. That Leo picked a fight with him, tried to get Donnie to punish him, to hate him, to hate him, as if that wasn't his personal hell. Like he didn't want Donnie to love him anymore.
And he remembered an admittance made between a pot of water, after words written in blood on a tomb wall. And what if loving me is what kills you?
Leo said, "I do love you, I do, I -- I love you and I'm -- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." But he could barely speak past his gasps for air, distraught and frantic. Fingers scrambling to pull Donnie closer, to keep him there.
Donnie read between the lines like the genius he was. I'm so sorry that I love you. He tucked Leo's head under his chin and squeezed, careful of the head wound still haphazardly bandaged with his blue mask, careful of his own leg stuck out to the side. And he said, "You're so stupid, how can you fit so much stupid in there?"
The line Leo was supposed to say, something loud about calling him stupid while he was crying, did not emerge. So this was a level of upset that Donnie had not actually seen before. The feeling of holding together his falling apart twin was something he never wanted to experience again, stomach swooping and world ending.
"Hey, Leon. My beloved brother. My dearest twin. Nardo." Donnie nudged him repeatedly, trying to bust past the incoherent sobs. "If I die in here, it's not because of you. It's because of that pink bubblegum motherfucker. Got it?"
Leo dug his fingers in tighter at the mention of Donnie dying, and didn't stop crying long enough to otherwise acknowledge what he said.
Donnie sighed, and held him. All the anger at Leo's decision to leave him was cold and sour, because there was no punishment Donnie could ever invoke that would be worse than what Leo thought himself. Instead he was going to cry himself sick.
"If you throw up the only food we've eaten in a week I might actually kill you." Donnie poked his side, waiting for a response and getting none. "Hey. If you're gonna cry this much, then we're drinking some more water. Way to dehydrate, dude."
Leo punched more sobs. Donnie sighed a second time, louder and more pointed, and tried to untangle himself to stand. But then he was pulled to a stop by his hand.
"D?" Leo said.
"You need water." Donnie pointed out, and they had no more ice left inside the cave.
Leo shook his head.
Fine. Idiot. "I need water." Donnie tried again.
Slick fingers on damp face were ineffectual to clean the flood of tears. Leo rasped, "Your leg. Let me do it."
"Let me use you as a crutch. I want a walk."
Leo's expression wavered, still struggling to catch his breath, but having a task obviously helped as he composed himself enough to stand.
They limped outside, Donnie practically dragging his leg, Leo squinting immediately at the brighter light of the stars. Leo left him in sightline by the mouth of the cave as he fetched another brick of ice. Donnie traced his fingers around the blood-stained fingerprints he'd left on the outside wall, glad that they didn't have to be separated again. He couldn't take it right now, not even for a moment.
Two twins and a block of ice lumbered back into their hole. They chipped at the block, boiled and drank water, and Leo collapsed to sleep in Donnie's arms.
The walls echoed with the enamel grind of his teeth, but it didn't even send a shiver up Donnie's spine anymore. Instead it was the best sound in the world.
Heh. The standards in hell.
His pain was hovering around an uncomfortable four. The bloat of his stomach began to digest, a bit of a painful stretch but it was miles better than the clawing, endless hunger. With the addition of some water, a bit of the hammer smashing headache eased, and Donnie felt...
He felt a lot of things. No real capability of pulling them apart, more like a tangle of indistinguishable wires that would take a year to separate. He breathed in a steady cycle, hand on Leo's arm as his brother breathed in time, clutching him close.
And then, easy as anything, the walls of the cave lit up red.
It was unbelievable how suddenly Donnie's blood could rush ice, ice cold. Like being dunked in a frozen river, the shock response causing an involuntary sharp inhale.
But how could he know they were there, how could he know? There wasn't --
Except there was. The same bloody fingerprints he'd mused over a couple hours prior, staining the wall of their hideaway. His stupid, stupid, stupid hunger ridden brain hadn't even considered the implications until now he had food in his stomach and he could think again, the paranoia of his strategic twin which would surely clocked that as a threat if he hadn't had a concussion himself. A wave of self-hatred crashed into him with an intensity he'd never experienced before, and...
Maybe it was a hallucination! Maybe he was just seeing things again. Maybe it wasn't real, and this time, this time if he just held still enough the red would fade and they would be safe. Neither of them hurt. Neither of them in danger.
Then the red flooded in, and movement flashing too-quick to capture, before Donnie was grabbed out of Leo's grip and yanked away.
Chapter 13
Notes:
taps the tag warnings meaningfully while making eye contact with you. i have had the torture tag on this fic since day one for a reason.
Chapter Text
A crush of air pushed forcefully from his lungs. The world spun rapidly at the sudden change in orientation, and there were rough claws holding Donnie up.
"Look at these pests, scurried in their little hole." Kraang Prime's voice shot alarmed shivers up Donnie's spine, and the adrenaline had his hands quaking as he tried futilely to peel the claws off his midsection, raising his eyes to see the disgusting pink face scowling at him from underneath a red searchlight.
"Leo!" Donnie attempted to scream, but it came out strangled and crushed from the pressure around his ribs. It stung hard, renewing an older wound.
Prime's gaze focused behind him, and his mouth spread into an insidious smile. "Oh, nice of you to join us. Looking for this?"
Donnie swung around in the constricting grip, managing to get a look at his twin brother and his thunderous expression, completely empty handed, the flutter of his mask bandage tails behind him. Following the gaze to Prime's free hand, which had his sword. Small and inaccessible in his grip.
Delirious panic pounded loud and relentless. Prime had the sword. Oh, they were well and truly fucked. For a moment, Donnie thought — well at least the last conversation I had with Leo was how much I loved him, my writing on the wall.
“Donnie.” Leo said, voice commanding, even as it was woven with desperation.
And Donnie remembered he wasn’t fucking dying today. That as long as he could still inhale he would be fighting for his family and sparked a flood of purple sparks, electrifying himself with as much power as he could stand to lose, burst all at once.
Then a rapid fall, as Prime reflexively released the thing shocking him. Donnie felt momentary, vindictive success — then a heavy foot pinned him to the ground. Intense claustrophobia at how each intersection of claws kept him firmly immobile, but especially how the arch was pressed against his throat. A failed inhale had his lungs struggle, unable to raise his hands to claw at the thing preventing him from breathing.
“So fragile and weak. There is no power here, just party tricks and evasion.” Prime loomed over him.
Instinctive panic was Donnie’s mouth open and gasping. Then precious air broke past his lungs as Prime was knocked back by a burst of fury and blue.
“How nice it was to bring such an obvious weak point along with you.” Prime parried the flurry of hits from Leo with a disinterested hand. The moment Donnie finished hacking air back into his lungs, he was fished up a second time. By the throat.
“With such a small and fragile respiratory system.” Prime mused, the horrible glint in his eye of hatred and fascination. “How have you even survived this long?”
Donnie tried to summon sparks, tried to gather up enough strength but he was dizzy and lost and there was a thunderous drum of his own heart beat clattering in his ears. But still he could hear a scream of pure rage, of absolute fury that Donnie had never heard from his twin before. Something anguished and feral.
“Let him go.” Leo snarled, face twisted into something unfamiliar. Another lunge was easily flicked back, sending Leo crashing into the outside wall of their cave.
With the tip of the blue hilted sword, Prime forced Donnie to raise his chin up.
“If you touch him one more time I’ll —“ Leo began, stumbling in his attempt to charge forward out of the crater.
“You’ll what.” Prime challenged, cutting his noxious gaze towards the remaining twin. “What power do you have? Where is your strength? If it is with your love, and with your family — then I have your world in my hands.”
Donnie struggled through a thready breath, the sword biting his soft inner throat. He didn’t move, vividly imagining the pour of blood that could erupt from the severing of his jugular, and the irreversible ending of his life.
He couldn’t do that to Leo. He stayed very still, hoping that at least Prime didn’t want the game to end so soon, to give Leo time to — to —
The ‘what’ hung heavy. What could they do? They could not run and they used up all their hide. Could they fight? If the four of them combined hadn’t been enough, what were two injured twins going to do?
No. No, they’d find a way. Donnie couldn’t think that, he couldn't be the pessimistic twin right now, because his life was the only thing keeping Leo alive, and the moment he was gone, so was Leo. He had to stay calm. He had to be what Leo couldn’t, not when the demolished destroyed devastation was written all over him.
“Stop.” Prime declared, tightening his bruising grip. Donnie shut his eyes to push down a wince and risk slicing his throat out. “This is my game now, my rules. I have your sword and your brother. Yield.”
Heavy breathing. Leo said nothing. Donnie liked it better when he couldn’t see his terrible expression, so he kept his eyes closed.
“Good.” Prime’s voice was a fake liquid praise. “See? That is strength. To make others do as you bid. You are going to stay there and you are going to watch.”
“Watch what?” Leo said, echoed, with audible dread.
The same dread dripping in Donnie's veins. He could imagine and knew it wasn't good for him.
Which he was right. He was dropped again, which maybe he could've landed on his feet if he had two good feet to land on. As it was, he let his left leg buckle on impact, though it wasn't enough to stop the pain rocketing to almost whited-out his vision. He was still blinking the stars from his eyes when there was a flash of metal and he reacted, summoning his bo staff and blocking the swing braced between two palms. On his knees, heaving for breath from pain, looking up at the intimidating form.
"No!" Leo shouted, and with Donnie's position not nearly as precarious he charged again, full speed with only his fists and bull-headed determination.
"Ridiculous." Prime scoffed, the sword giving an ominous sing as it slid off the length of the bo staff, twisting to meet the attack.
Donnie let out an ear-splitting whistle as he summoned a purple sword with his free hand to throw at his brother.
Leo caught the hilt in the same motion that he cut straight down, nicking a chunk of Prime's arm with a screech of metal. Then swooped out of the way from the slice of Prime's retaliation, rolling against the ground and coming to a stop in front of Donnie's kneel, posed with the glowing purple sword up, feet braced.
"Hm." Prime said. "I fail to see what you intend to accomplish. But alright. Entertain me, pest."
Leo breathed. In and out. Then he flashed forward, his trademark speed almost too quick to notice, as if Prime was being struck by lightning from multiple sides.
Donnie braced the bo staff to help him rise, carefully watching the blink of purple as Leo attempted to get any kind of upper hand -- even while Prime bore the assault with an idle amusement, meeting each swing with an effortless parry with Leo's own sword in long, metal claws -- and Donnie was well aware that attempting to fight himself would likely end up getting in the way.
However, he could still be annoying. If they could get the real sword back, then maybe there was still hope.
Leo caught the two blades together, locked momentarily in an 'X', pushing hard. Donnie crept around Prime's legs, limping, to jam the end of his bo staff at the perfect angle to trip up Prime's feet when he lunged forward to push Leo back. A fumble, quickly caught, and Donnie used his staff to help propel backwards from the irritated swat.
"What a waste of time." Prime scoffed, and sliced down hard enough that Leo's construct sword burst in a fizzle of purple sparks, catching Leo on the back-swing to send him flying into the cave wall a second time, shaking the ground with the crack and crumble of rock. "How feeble your attacks are. Dull and boring. No. You are going to watch."
Prime raised his leg and slammed it into the wall. The surface cracked and splintered apart.
Leo leapt forward and Prime effortlessly snatched him from the air like a bug. Then he pinned Leo under a clawed foot and began to pull free a large section of rock.
The monster had his back to Donnie, who understood where this was going and summoned his battle shell. He couldn't run, not on this leg, but he could fly. He wasn't about to lay there and let this happen. A hop into the air, and maybe he should've run, maybe he should've drawn Prime away from Leo... but Donnie couldn't leave. Not now, not after everything. He would fight. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, so he summoned a big ass drill. Prime pinned Leo to the ground with a rock, and when he turned back around Donnie sent the pointy end directly at his pink stupid face.
Prime stumbled back, only momentarily. As expected, it just pissed him off. Prime darted forward, sword up and ready, and Donnie flew out of range of the swing. The world spinning dizzy and off kilter from the rapid movement, oh boy. He managed two more dodges before desperately summoning a purple canon and firing ballistics like fireworks, hoping to pop a joint or something on that stupid mech.
Nothing. If Mikey throwing a skyscraper at the guy didn't do anything, Donnie didn't have much hope. Especially because he kept getting distracted by the sight of Leo's hand crawling out from where he was trapped and what Prime was intending on making him watch --
Donnie was smacked out of the sky and went tumbling. Agony shot up his leg and he cried out, rolling and thudding hard against rock at a sudden stop. Blood roared in his ears, then before he could so much as inhale, a blue sword cut through his battle shell, shattering the construct.
No moment to breathe, the blade reflecting in distant starlight as it rose a second time, and Donnie summoned another protective shell, only for it to meet the same immediate fate. Bursting in purple sparks, tore to pieces moments after forming.
Prime roared, and slashed, and slashed, and Donnie tried, he tried so hard not to have Leo watch him get hurt by his own sword. But his energy suddenly scraped the bottom of the barrel dry, there was nothing left. The milisecond where the sword raised Donnie didn't look at it, he looked at Leo's round eyes, trapped, pinned to him. And Donnie thought: look away.
Then agony lit up his spine. The tear of leathery skin, like ripping cardboard in half. But it didn't stop there, Donnie losing sight of his twin as he bit his face into the rock floor instead, gasping desperately for air as Prime slashed the blade against his soft shell over and over and over and over. Someone screamed, though it wasn't Donnie.
Until there was finally stillness. Donnie sobbed, just once, trembling. The drip drip drip of Donnie's blood rolling off the tip of Leo's sword.
"See now." Prime said, voice ringing out over the endless nothing. "Isn't that better?"
The sword was tossed aside. Donnie's world shifted, in a nauseating spin, as he was lifted and brought over to Leo, dropped unceremoniously in front of his twin. His back arched and he cried out from the simultaneous jostle of his bloody shell and spine, the sound coming out strangled and broken.
"D." Leo whispered, close enough to hear, but the hand crawling out from the rock couldn't quite reach him even as the fingers shook with the effort of straining towards him.
A trembling breath. Donnie licked his lips and said, "Hey L."
Then Prime stepped on him, breaking another cry from his lips. Multiple competing agonies fought for attention, and Donnie had to focus on getting air into his shocked lungs more than anything else.
"Stop, stop!" Leo struggled, wheezing. "Stop, don't hurt him, he doesn't deserve it. Come on, don't you want the guy who ruined your plan?"
"I'm a genius, I'm more of a threat." Donnie immediately cut over him, and managed to spit on Prime. "Plus I fucked up your spaceship. You're welcome."
"Donnie, stop." Leo said, horrified.
"Your words mean nothing to me." Prime loomed over Donnie, kneeling over the foot he had pinned to crush him against the rock. In a really morbid way, it was like having pressure for the new wounds on his shell. Not that he was about to point that out. "Your pathetic heroism values, trying to decide who deserves what. You forget I have the power. You want to choose? Fine. I give you the choice."
Donnie did not have to be told that they were not going to like the choice. "Leo, don't--"
"I was not talking to you." Prime pressed him further down and Donnie had the rest of the air forcefully pushed out of his lungs. "Useless pest, come along just to die. I hope you're happy with your choice, as that is the only one you're making. Now, you."
Leo stared at Prime. There was no emotion on his face, trapped and immobilized, fingertips inches from Donnie's arm.
"You are going to choose to hurt your brother." Prime declared.
"No?" Leo asked, in an incredulous voice, setting his jaw.
"You will." Prime said, certain.
"I'm not going to." Leo said, firm, almost laughing. "Listen man, do whatever you want to me, but I'm not hurting my brother."
"This is not a negotiation. If you don't want to do it, I'll be happy to oblige once again."
Despite himself, the flash of fear and anticipation of pain raced through Donnie, and he tried hard not to let it show. He probably wasn't very successful. Something about the slash-slash-slash of a biting sharp blade ripping through his soft shell. He wasn't sure how much it would take to kill him -- it was a soft shell, but it was still a shell. It was thicker than skin, meant to have some level of protection even if it wasn't as strong as his brothers.
Leo breathed, a horrified, "No. Not happening, you'll hurt us either way. I'm not doing it."
Without ceremony, Prime ground his heel into the ground. The fresh cuts burst volcanic eruptions of pain, pushing a helpless cry from the back of Donnie's throat before he could halt it.
"Stop! Stop. Stop." Leo said, panicked.
Prime lifted his foot, letting Donnie suck in a free breath, bowing in pain. "Now, now, I'm sure you can find a way to hurt him. Not with that sword, though, we're not having any escape tricks."
Donnie forced himself to meet Leo's gaze beside him. Released from the pin, he reached out and grabbed Leo's hand. He had no idea what he wanted to communicate in the moment, because -- he didn't know what the right choice was. He didn't want Prime to hurt him again. He didn't think Leo was going to be able to live with himself if he did.
So he held Leo's hand, and tried to tell him with his gaze that he'd be okay with whatever Leo chose. Because that was the only option he had left.
"I don't -- I don't..." Leo trailed off, and he couldn't peel his eyes away from Donnie's face, pinned. His fingers were cold in Donnie's.
"Either you hurt him or I will." Prime offered, taunting like a song.
Leo breathed. He breathed. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Fine."
The rock was lifted. Leo stumbled towards Donnie, hands hovering around his shell.
"How's it look?" Donnie whispered. He was afraid to see. He knew that Kraang just pressed the fresh wounds into the ground, which was definitely not great for infection. It felt -- it kind of felt like nothing at this moment, actually. Like a big fuzzy wall of blankness on his back. TV static, an old Lou Jitsu VCR tape hit the end when everyone else had fallen asleep.
"Not great." Leo muttered back, hand reaching out but immediately drawing back, holding it to his chest instead.
"Pests." Prime's voice boomed over them, and they both flinched in time. "I can change my mind at any moment."
Leo locked eyes with Donnie, an instant of unspoken understanding.
"Alright, alright." Leo announced to Prime, wincing as he straightened up, and managed a false smile. "We're doing it, come on. Get up, D."
A small hand signal, below his waist. Donnie caught onto his plan, and rose to a very trembling right leg, favouring his left. He didn't speak, because he couldn't lie and Prime would catch onto them quickly.
Then Leo punched him in the face. Years and years and years of pretending to fight along with Lou Jitsu movies had it down to a science, just with enough actual strike to make the sound and the impact believable. Donnie stumbled back and had to catch himself a little on his left leg, making his cry of pain very real, and it sparked instant regret in Leo's eyes.
Leo hesitated on his next move in the play, and Donnie flashed annoyed eyes at him. Then followed the punch down, rolling to the side.
Towards the sword.
It was hard, because any jostling of Donnie's leg or shell invoked real pain. But he used that to his advantage, letting it colour his sharp yelps real, as they moved their party trick closer and closer to the blood stained sword on the ground.
"Stop." Prime drawled.
Leo glanced at Donnie, panic in his eyes. They weren't quite there yet, but they were close enough to make an attempt. Did they wait it out another moment, hoping they could convince Prime that wanted to keep doing this, or did they lunge towards it now?
Donnie didn't trust him. His returning gaze said now.
Leo moved, leaping directly over Donnie who was in the way. He staggered a little on the landing -- maybe it was the concussion, maybe getting thrown repeatedly into the rocks -- and it could be that milisecond foiled them, as Prime darted forward with his inhuman speed and caught Leo by the ankle.
Donnie's stomach sunk as Leo was dragged back on his face. Even though there was absolutely no hope Donnie tried anyway, twisting around to reach out with what felt like the universe on the line.
"Ridiculous creatures." Prime merely kicked the sword further away. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Well I sure as hell don't think you're pretty." Leo said, somehow, from where he was hanging upside down.
Prime scoffed and flicked Leo into the wall. The blue turtle created a new burst of cracks, curling up against the pain as he fell back down.
"Play by my rules or not at all." Prime kicked Donnie next, sending him rolling disorientated towards his brother, much further from the sword than when they started. Leo clambered off the rock and grabbed Donnie's shoulders, looking at him drawn and worried.
Donnie didn't think about how they were going to die, because he didn't want Leo to think he was scared. He also didn't want to say anything that would give Prime ammunition, so he did a familiar teasing motion, of pressing his thumb to the Raph-like chasm between his brow.
Something devastated shattered in Leo's expression at the motion, which wasn't what he wanted at all. But it was too late to rectify, as Prime was already back, looming over them. Twin sets of eyes turned up at him, wary and waiting for what was next.
"Would you like me to crave a portrait into your brother's shell, or would you like to try again?" Prime said, acidic.
"Try again." Leo said, quick.
"Then you play by my rules." Prime reminded him, crouching beside them, between them and the sword. "Step on his wounded leg."
Donnie told himself, with possibly a bit of foolish bravery, that it wouldn't hurt that bad. It certainly couldn't hurt more than the sword on his shell. He looked at Leo.
A shadow was over his twin's face, impossible to see through, to interpret.
"Nardo." Donnie whispered. "You can't hurt me."
It was a statement made with a thousand layers behind him, something that was a show for Prime and a promise for Leo. Donnie waited for Leo's haunted eyes to meet his and poured the words into his gaze. Please don't let him hurt me again. It will be okay coming from you. I've known you every second of our lives and even if it hurts I know your hands. Please don't give me away. I trust you with each bone in my body. If it hurts at least I'll know it's because you love me. You can't really hurt me.
Eternity hung for a moment. And Leo's return was pulled viscerally, in the red rimmed eyes hollow and cold. I can't trust you with him. The thought of hurting you with my own hands makes me want to die but letting him hurt you might be worse. You claim I can't really hurt you but I don't believe it. You trust me completely and it makes me sick. I can't do this.
"I won't wait forever." Prime announced. "Either you hurt him now, I will hurt him worse. It is your choice, pest."
"You can't hurt me." Donnie repeated, and it meant you have to.
"Okay, Tello." Leo muttered. "Okay."
Donnie leaned back, bracing his tongue between his teeth and stretching out his leg. It was already throbbing to the beat of his heart.
"Make it hurt." Prime egged, delicious glee in his voice, leaned close to watch.
Leo raised his leg -- and for a moment, it was a mirror of Prime's clawed foot pinning him down -- and the flinch was involuntary, followed by the shock-punch of Leo stepping on the injury he'd put so much work into healing.
Donnie bit hard on his tongue, arching away from the hot flashing bolt of pain, something dizzying. He choked on a gasp, feeling how the pressure punched the air from his diaphragm. How for a moment his hearing went dark with a high-pitched ring and the world disappeared and --
He forced his eyes to reopen, burning tears in the corner he refused to let fall, and saw his twin's face. And never before in his entire life had Leo let Donnie see his bottomless self-hatred so plainly.
Forgetting everything else going on, Donnie lurched to say, to reassure, "It didn't hurt, it didn't hurt, it's okay, it's okay Leon. I promise."
"Hm." Prime said, and Donnie's whole body lurched with terrible anticipation. "If it didn't hurt, then do it again, and make it hurt."
The expression on Leo's face told Donnie that he wouldn't survive doing it a second time.
"I'm sorry." Donnie said, horrified, shutting his eyes with the wave of how much he fucked up. And the thought that if they did it again, he was going to have to let Prime hear him scream. And worst of all, let Leo hear it.
Maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe he should've just let Prime take him and hurt him. It wasn't like this solution wasn't only a stop-gap, that they had no long-term plan, and they were only prolonging the inevitable. He wanted to take it back, but it was too late now, if he said to Leo that he couldn't do it again, then it would be admitting that he couldn't take it.
And he could. He just didn't think Leo would.
"One more time." Donnie whispered.
"I can't." Leo replied. He had the eyes of a man drowning.
"You will." Prime interjected, impatient. The hiss of his words, the relentless shining red on their play stage, the ominous twist and groan of his mech pieces. Claws waiting, disgusting pink face tracking their every move.
"One more time." Donnie said again. He would forgive him the moment it happened. But deep down he knew Leo would never forgive himself. It was an impossible situation, because if Kraang killed Donnie with his own sword -- well.
"I can't." Leo repeated.
"Yes, you can." Donnie promised. "Now. Do it now."
He wasn't even looking anywhere near Leo's feet this time, unable to peel his eyes from his unabashedly ashamed and destroyed face, and he missed the rise and fall of the piston into his leg. Unfortunately, this hurt about a thousand times more. And Donnie reminded himself not to choke it down, to allow the tortured scream to rip his throat bloody.
White-hot agony, breaking out a cold sweat over his skin, and the familiar slick of fresh blood. Donnie's voice broke before the scream finished, dissolving into ragged heaving breaths of air.
"Tsk, tsk, look at that." Prime fished Leo up, the small turtle practically a lifeless rag-doll in his grip. "You should think about what you've done."
Then he began to stride away. Donnie's heart was stammering over itself, from pain and the sight of his brother disappearing from view. He wrenched out, "Leo!"
"I'll spend some quality time with the useless one." Prime said, distant. "Show me how your strength will prevail now. Show me how you will win now."
"D!" Leo's voice returned, weak.
Donnie struggled up on his elbow, trying to see what was happening, and Prime stood on the edge of their floating land mass.
"Fuck." Donnie muttered, unsure how it would even help but staggering to try and get on his feet, only to collapse when his leg blazed an unbearable pain the moment he put any weight there, completely unable to support him with how fuzzy and weak. He tried, again, pleading, and strangled, "Leo!"
"Donnie--" The call and return, except Prime laughed and threw Leo, hurtling him full force away. Rocketing a blue streak through the endless gravity, inertia pulling him almost immediately to a speck out of sight.
Donnie was left with only the sound of his own heartbeat, overwhelming all else, staring at where his brother had been flung. No sword to portal back. No purple constructs to fly and retrieve him.
"Now." Prime spoke, the sound coming through a drone of horrified ringing and an ocean of water, the vibrations of his approach reverberating through the rock below him. "Let's see how much strength you have, shall we?"
Chapter 14
Notes:
keeps tapping the tags meaningfully
Chapter Text
A couple years ago, Donnie woke up in the middle of the night to a twin brother clutching his arm and crying.
Leo hadn't been there when he'd gone to sleep, having snuck in without waking him at some point. Donnie had no idea how long ago, but the amount of tears staining his hoodie said it had probably been a while.
"Why hello, my dearest brother." Donnie mumbled, turning in to wrap his arm around Leo's head. The tremble of sobs. Usually Leo wasn't this inconsolable. Or at least, he did a better job of pretending he wasn't. "Did I die in your dreams again?"
The heart-breaking wrench of a sob answered that question. Leo's grip on his arm was almost bruising, the hysterical wrack of tears painful to listen to, and Donnie hated that however inadvertently he had caused this.
Leo was too fucked up to say anything else. Donnie fiddled with his track lights to intermix the room in light blue and purple, and queued up a lo-fi soundtrack, and got comfy to wait out the tears.
Leo's voice was still crackling when he asked, "How do you think you'll die?"
"It has not been conclusively proven that I can die." Donnie announced, grandiose.
"Come on, Tello." Leo begged. Too serious.
Donnie sighed. "I don't know."
"You haven't thought about it?" Leo asked, as if it was so normal to think about that.
Death as a concept was something so inconvenient. Donnie had too much to do. The thought of dying before he could accomplish everything he wanted churned his stomach with boiling stomach acid. He voiced, unsure, "What kind of answer are you looking for here, Nardo?"
Leo sniffled, wet and gross. "Just. I know that you will die. It's only... how would you want it to happen. I guess."
"Again, we don't have any evidence that I will die." Donnie said, but he was considering the question with gravity, knowing it was one of those things that was stupidly important to Leo. "But if I do, I doubt I'll have a choice in the matter."
"Humour me?" Leo asked, sore and painful.
"That's all I ever do." Donnie said, achingly fond in the only way he could be in the middle of the night with a hysterical twin worried about his inevitable death at the tender age of fourteen. "Okay, Nardo. Assuming I can die, and that is a big 'if', then I would like to know my family is safe before I go. I would like have them nearby. Does that answer your question?"
"Would you be scared?"
"No. Not if you were there." Donnie said, after a moment of contemplation.
What high hopes he'd had for his own future. Donnie could almost laugh at it now. Though he couldn't, because his world was reduced to two things. Air and fear.
How humble it was that Donnie thought he'd get to be with his family as he died, that he'd get to know they were safe, but most hilariously that he hoped he wouldn't be scared.
Donnie had tasted so many different flavours of scared. The anticipatory grief of losing his twin that inspired him to practically break the sound barrier to reach him. The crippling tendrils of loneliness like a boa constrictor when left alone in hell with only a pessimistic brain to conjure up worst case scenarios. The gasping helplessness at watching his twin break down at something that should've been easy.
No. This was completely different. This felt like nothing he'd ever experienced before.
Prime had Donnie pinned, an unrelenting knee to his chest, pushing on his still-sensitive ribs with a creak that threatened to collapse the barely healed bones into each other. He had his claws wrapped around Donnie's throat.
"It's just a little test." Prime said, liquid sadism, grinning at how Donnie sputtered the moment he released. "I'm curious just how much it would take to kill you. How long can you hold your breath, pest?"
"That's not a proper experiment." Donnie replied, because it was the only thing he could say beyond fruitless cries for him to stop. "Where's your hypothesis? Your control? It's not science unless you write it down, you kn--"
A stolen breath, the dizzying constriction of his windpipe, crushing between claws. Air. Air. Air. Donnie tried to inhale and there was a painful suction against nothing, against the collapse of flesh on flesh, and the black spots blossomed to eat up his vision in inky holes. Sound funnelled away, even as Prime began to laugh and laugh, the panic avalanched. All attempts at being cool or being strong or being anything other than terrified that he was going to die disappeared, as he tried to tear at the claws cutting off his air.
Donnie's feet kicked, fingers twitching, lungs seizing. The pain was excruciating, a stampede of panic that he was moments away from death, that he was alone and he was going to die right now, throat closed underneath these claws, as Prime toyed with him, played with his limits, and he would push too far and then Donnie would be dead.
The terror was pin-pricks over every inch of his body. A desperate squirming sensation across his flesh, the desire for air manifesting as an insatiable hunger, an internal plea of stop, please, please. The black grew, the oily spots expanding, ringing growing to a crescendo, and he struggled with everything he has left, not even consciously, just a physical reaction to the sensation of being strangled to death.
Release. Donnie inhaled, struggling as his throat felt crushed and barely allowed the air into his spasming lungs. Light-headed and flooded with a swim of static over his limbs. He hacked and coughed, tasting blood.
"Is this what you think winning is?" Donnie spoke, voice rasped. He was certain, down to the marrow of his bones, that he was going to die now. He shook with pain and a stringy dribble of blood fell off his mouth. Fuck this guy. "Look at how big you are, torturing a couple teenagers to death. Except when I'm dead, the only trophy you'll have is a corpse. You'll still be locked in here forever, bested by these weak and useless pests."
Prime's face twisted, but didn't lose its smugness. "And you will still be dead. Say what you like, but it will not change your fate."
"I made my choice." Donnie's voice didn't even crack on that. It was looking up at the sky on Staten Island and knowing exactly what he had to do. "I chose to come in here, you didn't."
"I'm the one in control here." Prime slipped just a little, pushing closer, letting his fury show. He'd touched a nerve.
"Congratulations on your ultimate dominion over two teenagers." Donnie grinned at him, the light-headedness making the whole conversation feel like it wasn't even happening at all.
"Stop. Talking." Prime wrapped his claws tight around Donnie's throat again.
Donnie shut his eyes and held his breath. He played the game, until his bodily sensation took over, and his mind screamed for air, and he struggled and kicked and felt everything fall away like ice off a roof. The frenzied terror kicking in, shoving logic and calm out the window. Pushing hard, until his hands felt numb and fumbled.
Then air. Incapable of turning to the side to cough, blood flooding his mouth and almost choking on it, which would be morbidly funny if he had the capacity for it.
"Your choice." Prime said, wonderingly. "Who would choose to die? That is the only outcome here. You are the obvious weak spot. I fail to see any logic in your decision, there was no reason for you to be here."
Donnie wouldn't tell him, since there was no way he'd care or understand. But the reason was, during a late night discussion with his twin at fourteen years old, after Donnie gave him his answer and Leo stopped crying long enough to actually catch his breath, Donnie asked, "Would you be scared?"
"I'm not scared of anything. Raph's always said, I'm Fearless." Leo replied, and he looked anywhere but Donnie, red-rimmed eyes shimmering. He was lying. Even more importantly, he was willing to show his tells enough to let Donnie know he was lying.
And when Leo was scared, he was right here, at Donnie's side -- crying into the sleeve of his hoodie. Or he was following Mikey around the house. Spotting Raph's weighs. Sitting at the foot of Splinter's armchair.
"How would you want it to happen?" Donnie asked, listening for the truth.
"Quick." Leo said. "I don't want time to think about what's happening." I don't want time to be scared.
The conversation was mirrored backwards. There was only one question left to ask. "How do you think you'll die?"
Leo shrugged. He didn't meet Donnie's eyes. "It doesn't matter. That wasn't what I was dreaming about, doofus."
He'd never gotten an answer, but he thought for a long time about what it might be. Staring at a portal in the distance, feet on Staten Island and the world vanishing before his eyes, considering the fact that he climbed into his bed in the first place, he was pretty sure the answer might be 'alone'.
Not on his watch. No twin of Hamato Donatello was going to die scared and alone. Not when he was still breathing.
Though perhaps he might have no say in the matter. Breathing was becoming a little bit of a hot commodity at the moment. Choking on his own blood, chest struggling with even the smallest breath, as his brain screamed for oxygen, as his fingers swum and the pain in his throat sung louder than anything else. It eclipsed the sun.
Donnie opened his mouth to answer Prime, and his voice was gone. The words he wanted to say vanished into the nothing, into the hanging darkness and pin-pricked distant stars. Rocks and a knee in his chest. The claws still waiting around his throat to tighten once more.
"Disappointing." Prime scoffed, when Donnie's lips moved but no sound emerged. "That you would be so easily broken."
Donnie raised a shaking hand, tapping a 'B' against his chin. He had no hope that Prime knew the ASL for 'bitch', but it made him feel better.
Prime's eyes narrowed. He lurched forward, the pain thundering up and down his nerves. And when his claws tightened, Donnie let his eyes shut again, not wanting to stare at the pink face as he died.
He had thought he didn't want to die alone, but in reality this was better, because at least Leo didn't have to watch. The spin of the universe compressed on his chest, as everything rung dull and grey, and that stupid survival instinct kicked in viciously yet again, making his limbs twitch to fight, the panic gasp against nothing.
Prime released him and the air trickled back into his system. The worst thing of all was that Donnie felt disappointed.
[]
Mikey had never put much thought into what his mind would look like.
Why would he? He lived in it, surrounded and bathed in it at all times. There was no reason to speculate what an outside observer would see if they came inside, because they never would.
Except here was Raph.
"You know, Raph's not surprised." Raph said, with a fond smile, heading swivelling all around.
Mikey had never mind melded before, but he took to it like a duck to water, as he did anything mystic. It came so naturally, because his mind was an open book to his brothers and they were always welcome in his space. This was the test run, this was Raph teaching him how to do it before they reached out across dimensions.
"Like it?" Mikey struck a pose, trying not to think of how it was one that Leo did all the time. But since they were in his mind, it echoed, like a blue shadow.
Raph's fond smile tinted sad, and he said, "Of course, Mikes. I never expected anything different."
Mikey's brain was loud, painted in bright brilliant colours, an endless ceiling of graffiti. Smattering of colours in contrasting smooth strokes and jarring lines. As if gallons of paint were dumped and splashed across his mind, even as some corners turned darker, they were lifted and carried by figures of family.
Mikey found one silhouette of Donnie, chin up in pride, hands extended to catch a little Mikey flinging himself at him full-force. Staring, he sat on the floor beside the painted illusion of his brother and ran his finger along the purple outline.
Raph came to sit as well. He said, "I think we'll have to reach out to Leo. I've done it with him before. You felt what it's like, you have to be giving as much as receiving for it to work."
Mikey nodded, not allowing the wobble of emotion to take him over. How much it hurt to connect with Raph right now, to share their pain. It was good, sharing pain was good. Even if it hurt. Especially if it hurt. But he was a little scared, because that meant they'd be there with Leo. And he was a little scared that there would be nothing reaching back.
The plan provided by his brother was this: they needed to coordinate with the twins. They had to reach out and determine if they were in a position to be rescued so they didn't release the Kraang, and...
And if they were still alive at all.
There was an unspeakable horror that Mikey felt when he considered stretching his hand out towards his brothers and discovering nothing reaching back. All his life he'd been strung between those two hands, helping him jump over puddles in the sewers, picking him up when he fell.
They had to still be alive. Anything other option filled him with wrong wrong wrong, a fully body revulsion. Raph insisted that they had to confirm they were alive before they risked both themselves and the universe, but Mikey had no question.
Not a single question. He hadn't slept all night for other reasons. It was fine. Mikey believed in brothers. More than anyone else. He never gave up on them. He wasn't scared they were dead and he'd reach out to find limp and cold fingers. He wasn't scared, because he was like Leo, and Leo was fearless.
He would bring them home. For his dad, who wanted his baby twins back. For his big brother, who looked like he was going tear himself to pieces any moment trying to cope with this. For his sister and for Casey and for Draxum -- Mikey was going to do it.
But he agreed with Raph, they would do it his way. Because he trusted Raph and he knew that as soon as they had the confirmation they needed, they would be pulling those twins out of hell and back into their arms.
On the graffiti wall of his mind, a new picture was painted, smooth strokes of spray paint. Orange and red, a portal, drawing out blue and purple.
"Yeah, Mikes. Exactly." Raph said, gravelly. "Come on, we've got the concept down. Let's see what we can do."
A few blinks and the graffiti disappeared. The dojo bloomed in front of them, where they'd sat knee to knee as they connected.
"How's it any different from how much we've been thinking about them already?" Mikey asked quietly, because if thinking about the twins mind-melded them then they'd have been connected a thousand times already.
Raph shrugged. "You're better at this mystic stuff than I am. When Leo and I did it, it was like... I don't know. Just how I described it. Reaching out and reaching back."
Mikey hoped that Raph was right. He didn't want to think about reaching out and feeling nothing just because they weren't reaching back. That maybe he'd think they were dead when they weren't. Because they weren't.
"It's intention, then." Mikey extrapolated, thinking of the lessons he'd received from Draxum, all the mystic mojo he'd cobbled together over the years. Ninpo came as easy to him as breathing, and it wasn't hard to imagine what they were going to do. It was the connection to his family, and there was no one Mikey had ever felt more connected to. His strength, his everything.
A lit sparkler. Waves on sand. Fingerprints in spray paint.
"Should we try?" Mikey asked, trying his best not to sound scared.
"Do you feel ready? You felt how much energy that took, and I'm sure trying to go through dimensions is going to take more." Raph said, nervous.
Mikey didn't think about how they had no proof this concept would even work, but if he knew anything about ninpo, it was that it would work if they believed it would work. So he refused to allow that doubt into his mind. "I'm ready."
Raph hesitated again, that same indecision, and said, "If it takes a lot of energy, we might not be able to pull them out right away. I just want you to be prepared for that."
There was a reaction, something snappy, but he let it wash over him. He would deal with that when it came. Cross that bridge. They needed to make a connection first. Mikey had to feel his brothers soon or he was going to scream.
"We'll see what happens." Mikey voiced, attempting to sound calm. "Come on. I'm ready. Let's go."
Raph's big hands took his. They hooked together, minds melded easily as breathing, then began to reach out. Into the ether, into the nothingness, towards the senseless void.
Mikey would've loved it if it was easy. If they reached out and found the twins reaching back. But in reality, they stretched their ninpo and encountered a brick wall.
So they pushed. Together, orange and red, they pushed. For a long time with no effect. Straining, putting all their effort in, and it wasn't that Mikey was reaching out and finding nothing, it was that he couldn't even push past the barrier to discover. A frustrated noise broke the back of his throat, and his hands throbbed, and --
"Boys."
Mikey didn't want to let go, even as he felt Raph step back from the wall. Blindly he growled and said, "Not now, Dad."
"I told you --" Splinter began, beyond the void, sounding weary.
"We're not opening a portal, Pops." Raph was quick to assure. Mikey felt him fall away, but Mikey didn't move from his position, metaphorical shoulder braced against the brick wall. Pouring his strength, his determination to see his brothers. Distant, beyond the nothing, he was aware that Raph was quickly explaining their plan, reassuring, even if he didn't mention the part where they were going to open a portal as soon as they had confirmation of life, whether Splinter wanted them to or not. It was implied anyway.
To his relief, Raph's presence rejoined him at the wall to resume their attempt to break it down. And to his surprise, a small figure made of warmth joined them.
"We're focusing on Leonardo." Splinter said, brow set in determination, bracing his foot and pushing. "Raphael is correct, his mind is receptive if he's melded before. But you must focus on Leonardo. Call upon all you know about him, reach for his mind. Do not stray in any other direction. A large attack hit many points ineffectually. You want direct, small and precise, to break through the barrier like a drill. Ready, my sons?"
Mikey inhaled and exhaled. He reached out and held Splinter's hand. And he thought about Leo.
Comic books and skateboards. Band aids and anti-septic. Red stripes and blue mask tails. The exact cadence of his voice on a funny joke. Shy and sweet smile.
A grinning figure walking with arms behind his head. Homemade magic tricks. The smell of Altoids. The dramatic drape over any surface. How he could scrunch himself into a tiny ball when scared. When he got bouncy and goofy. The way his real laugh could crack over an entire space. When he got quiet and sad. How bleak the whole lair got when he hadn't slept in days. Taking ten years in the shower singing Kesha. Convincing Mikey that Five Nights at Freddy's was going to get him. The sheer amount of care experienced when you were loved by him.
His brother, tugging Mikey under his arm keeping him close. His brother, gesturing for Mikey to go first with complete faith in his abilities. His brother, who he wanted to murder over Mario Kart.
Blue, like electric candy ropes. Blue, like the sparkling Hudson. Blue, like the fluttering tails of his mask.
Darkness.
What?
Mikey turned and turned, finding an expanse. Pin-pricked with distant stars.
"You shouldn't be here."
Mikey whipped around, but Leo wasn't there. Just a facsimile of his voice, something twisted and broken. He said, "Leo? Where are you?"
No reply. Mikey tugged, having forced a tiny crack in the brick wall, and pulled his brother and his dad through with him into this weird liminal space.
"What are you doing?" Leo's voice demanded, furious. "Get out of here. Leave."
"Leo?" Raph echoed, haunted. He turned huge eyes to Mikey, who looked helplessly back.
"You can't be here." There was a sensation of a push. Mikey stumbled from the force of it, but he would not be deterred, bracing forward. He could feel how much energy and ninpo the connection was taking from him, and he didn't dare ease up on that power for a second.
"Blue." Splinter said, searching.
A falter, a stumble, and Leo's echoing voice said, "Dad?"
Splinter caught the weakness, stepping closer to the starlit nothing. "Hello, my son. Will you come out and speak with us?"
More hesitation. Leo said, distant, "Am I dreaming?"
"Come find out." Splinter invited, hands out. Face pleading, crumpled.
The shadows rippled. Leo emerged, stepping out and shaking off stardust. But the sight of him stole all of the air from Mikey's lungs, stomach dropping to the floor. There was no time for relief that he was alive, because...
It was his brother. Maybe. Instead of his beloved red stripes, there was twin streaks of blood on either side of his face. Every blink filled the white sclera with more red. His hands were dripping with it as well, hovering out and shaking. There was seemingly no source for all the blood, even though he was covered in scratches. A pattern of three fingers on every inch of available skin.
"Leo." Raph whispered, voice unreadable.
The endless sky rumbled like thunder on the horizon. When Leo spoke, it came through all crackled like an old time radio announcer. "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you." Mikey threw aside his horror at seeing Leo like this -- what it meant that this was how Leo saw himself -- and stepped forward to try and meet him halfway. "We're going to get you two out of there, okay?"
And perhaps the worst of all, Leo laughed. The echoing sound of it cold and frosted like ice. When he smiled, it was the most painful thing Mikey had ever seen. The shape of it was like porcelain.
Raph took a bracing breath and came to Mikey's side, hand on his shoulder, bracing against the storm with him. The looming clouds growing over the stars, blotting them out. Raph said, "We need to make a plan. We want to pull you out when it's safe."
"Safe?" Leo threw his head back and laughed even louder. Mikey's heart completely stopped beating for the entirety of the chilled laughter.
"Fine. Then I'm pulling you out now." Mikey snapped, once he caught back his breath, because it didn't matter if he ended the world, it mattered that he couldn't stand another singular moment of having to look at this shell of his brother and pretend it wasn't shattering him.
That cut the laughter in rapid and swift death, Leo's flashing dark underneath bloody stripes. "Don't you fucking dare, Michelangelo."
"Why not?" Mikey demanded, hot and flushed, fingers already sparking with intent. He had a pretty good grip on Leo right now, even though what felt like wiring himself through telephone poles two countries apart.
"I don't have Donnie."
Complete quiet, as the ominous wind froze, and the thunder paused for the declaration.
"Oh, Leonardo." Splinter stepped up to join their line, clutching Mikey's hand hard.
"Is he--?" Raph began, and couldn't continue. Mikey didn’t want him to continue. But he was brave and he could take the truth, he could – he just –
“I don’t know.” Leo uttered the most damning words of all, and there was absolutely no emotion behind them. Just a dull and empty gaze. “He’s – I … he was still alive. But we’re… separated. So I don’t know.”
“Separated.” Splinter echoed, with audible dread.
The churn of clouds in sinister black and deep violet, enveloping the sky and swallowing them whole. The heavens opened and drenched them in ephemeral rain. A crack of lightning. Mikey held his big brother and his dad’s hands and felt how it leaked cold to his bones with the icy downpour. He did not believe for a moment that Donnie was dead, because it wasn't possible. It just wasn't.
The blood on Leo's face remained unmoved despite the shower, still flickering over the whites of his eyes with every blink. Leo’s crumbling reverb of a voice spoke barely loud enough to hear over the sudden rain, “I’m sorry.”
Mikey glared through the thick droplets, feeling them catch his eyelashes, and said, “If I pulled you out now, would it be safe?”
“Are you not listening?” Leo demanded.
“I heard you. But if you’re alone –”
“I’m not going anywhere without him.” Leo spat, venomous, and the raw fury on his face was so hard to look at when Mikey missed him so much.
“Then what’s the plan, Leo?” Raph interjected. Not unkind, but curt and expectant.
Leo sucked in a ragged breath. A crack in the porcelain. There was a sensation that Mikey couldn’t identify, but it felt… an emotion Mikey had never experienced before, secondhand like hearing the ocean through a sea shell.
“We can pull you out.” Mikey promised. “We just need to know when.”
It wasn’t until Leo’s eyes flickered up and met Mikey’s that he realized he hadn’t looked at him once during the conversation. And now that dull gaze was locked on him, and that unidentified emotion roared like a tsunami. Visceral and corroding and nasty, whatever it was, just shielded enough that the waves of it battered Mikey instead of blowing him away.
“It’s locked.” Leo said, voice coming through all shredded and crunched from that static radio.
“I can do it.” Mikey promised. The tight grip on his aching hands was helping the pain he could still feel, even now.
And since they were mind-melded, maybe Leo could feel it too, as his gaze drifted down to where Mikey was braced on either side by their family. At his cracked and destroyed hands.
“It’ll kill you.” Leo pointed out, almost conversationally. Nearly drowned out by the relentless rain and thunder.
Splinter looked away, squeezing Mikey’s hands.
“You don’t want him to do it.” Leo zeroed in on Splinter next, analyzing, and flickering to Raph, who flinched automatically before Leo could even speak. After a moment of contemplation, he didn’t. Instead, a flash of lightning crashed between them, building a chasm.
“Leo.” Raph said, and his voice was different even if it was persistent in his questioning. “What’s the plan? We know it’s a risk to try and pull you out. We know it’s a risk to let them out. How do we save you both?”
A slow blink of red. Leo looked away. He inhaled, and the cloud cover seemed to dip even lower, like Mikey could reach up and graze the churning darkness with his fingertips.
The porcelain smile turned a mockery of his craft, and Leo said, “What makes you think I have a plan?”
“Because Donnie’s still in there.” Mikey spoke up, loud as he could, brazen and determined. He knew he was right about this.
And he was. Something horrible and vulnerable crossed Leo’s infallible performance, and he hugged his scratched arms closer to himself. A burning fork of plasma keeping an impassable fissure between them and their brother.
“Do you have my sword?” Leo asked.
“Your sword?” Raph echoed, confused. “No. Don’t you?”
“I have one of them.” Leo replied. “But the other fell down to Earth.”
There was a weird feeling crawling over Mikey’s skin. A snake slithering. It took a moment to remember he was in Leo’s mind. He came to the sick-to-his-stomach realization, “You’re lying? What are you lying about?”
“Okay, fine, I had one of them.” Leo admitted, pulled teeth, still hugging his arms close, shoulders up, and looking very determinedly not in their direction. “I’ll get it back. And you find mine. We’ll try and use it like a backdoor key. Right? If we push on both sides.”
“That could work.” Splinter whispered, with something so damning like hope. “And it may ease the burden on you, Orange. Especially if you had help. All the help you can get.”
Splinter squeezed his hand again, and Mikey knew he’d help. A watery smile, even if any tears were invisible in the force of this rain.
“Find my sword.” Leo commanded them, the reverse-echo of his voice through the distant connection. “Once you do, send a pulse through. If it’s safe to pull us out, we’ll send one back. Sound good?”
“Can’t we just meld again?” Mikey begged, because even though this version of his brother felt like – well, it didn’t even feel like he was speaking with Leo at all – it was still better than the horrible nothing radio silence he’d endured for over a week.
The cracks in his mask were far more visible when Leo flashed his teeth at him. “This gimmick is taking rather a lot of strength, Miguel.”
“I can handle it.” Mikey said, almost offended that he wouldn’t give everything to talk to Leo.
“I know baby, but I can’t. I need my strength if I’m going to get the sword back.” Leo told him, and it was sour-sweet.
Mikey sunk back, letting his head hang and rain drip off.
“Are you guys doing okay?” Raph ventured.
That unidentifiable emotion cut through Mikey again, stronger than any bolt of lightning. Leo’s porcelain smile broke, and before they could see what was underneath he turned away again, stepping back, going towards the swallowing dark clouds. “Find the sword. I need to go.”
“My sweet baby blue.” Splinter called, and Leo stopped but did not face them. “I love you. We love you both very much."
“I’ll tell Donnie.” Leo replied, and the connection broke like a frayed wire snapping at thin copper thread. Fizzling and sinking Mikey back into a dry dojo, his hands burning and itching with the energy he’d expelled, and his brother and father on either side. His ears kept ringing, even as they fussed over him, cold cloths and ice.
He felt as if he was desperately pressing his ear to the conch shell, trying to carve out the individual sounds, trying to find purchase from the obvious chaos of his brother’s mind. The infuriating emotion that Mikey had never experienced before with no inkling of what it could be. When he voiced that, Splinter’s face cleared in understanding and he kissed Mikey’s forehead.
“I’m glad you’ve never felt it, my son.” A soft thumb wondering on his cheekbone. “But I could tell right away.”
“What was it?” Mikey was burning with the desire to know. They had plans, they needed to figure out where Leo’s sword landed and get ready to pull them out. Yet Mikey still desperately wanted to know.
“Do not worry about it, we have our mission.” Splinter assured him.
Mikey shuddered, unsatisfied. After he’d been forced to rest, with their new plan in the works, Raph came to join him. A goodnight hug, like they were little kids.
“Do you know what it was?” Mikey asked, muffled in the quiet. Dark. It felt like it should be raining.
Raph hesitated. Then he said, “Yes.”
“Will you tell me?”
Strong arms kept him close. “It won’t make you feel better.”
“Please?”
The soft and cradling hold. Mikey was nowhere near ready to sleep, feeling electricity sparking distractedly in the tips of his fingers, and washed repeatedly with what they’d just seen. And what he’d just felt, distant and poured down an unsteady connection.
“Self-hatred.” Raph admitted, at last.
And. Mikey definitely didn’t sleep after that.
Chapter 15
Notes:
are you ready?
Chapter Text
Donnie stared up at the black expanse.
Thready, thin breaths dragged their way through his throat. He was focused on that, the continued pull pull pull of oxygen, and nothing else. He wasn't thinking about the explosive crater of pain in his leg, the hot agony tugging his shell in all directions, or his likely rebroken ribs. He only thought of the misery of scraping air through the pinhole, to stay alive, because he was waiting for Leo.
Alone, nothing but the low-level hum. Nothing but the rocks and stars. He couldn't die on Leo, no matter how much he wanted to, because if he died then so did Leo. So he couldn't die.
Even if he really, really wanted to.
A tear streaked down the side of his face, as he felt something he never wanted in this place: regret. He wished he hadn't come. And he hated that, because he would do anything for Leo, even this. But it hurt so much, and he didn't want to be here. He didn't want to die. And when Leo got back, because he was coming back, Donnie could never tell him about this moment of weakness. Because he would never forgive himself, if he knew.
Donnie coughed, turning onto his side to spit blood from his ravaged throat. It eased a small amount of the burden, and he breathed past the sticky copper clogging his airway. And his new position gave him a perfect view of a sword, discarded and left behind.
Prime was so confident that he'd crushed Donnie that he'd left him here with the sword.
Donnie stared. He was alone. He could get it — he could get it — but then what? Prime would be back. What could Donnie do? He could barely move.
So he crawled. Dragging hand over hand to claw at the rock and the symphony of pain from the pressure in his ribs, but it didn’t matter. Barely move was still move, and there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his family. Inch by inch, mile by mile, vision reduced to the sing of blue discarded in the distance.
Then an earthquake of vibrations, and his sight line was cut off by the imposing figure of Prime returning. And any crushing misery at failing at his task had at least one consolation, and which was that Prime had been telling the truth when he said he was going to retrieve Leo. The small body in his claws, tossed onto the ground.
“Donnie.” Leo breathed, and scrambled over.
Donnie of course could not reply, but anxiously scanned his brother for new injuries. He looked unharmed and Donnie relaxed in relief.
Leo did not relax in the slightest. His eyes went wide and wet with sheer horror, a trembling hand raising towards Donnie’s throat and stopping before it made contact.
Donnie tried to say, 'I'm okay.' But no sound escaped his lips.
A flicker. Anguish and devastation. And a renewed life, as Leo surged up and roared in absolute fury. He threw himself at Prime, dodging the flick of his arm and ducking underneath to jab Prime directly in the eye. Hooked fingers clawing in and dragging down with the weight of his fall.
The sky echoed with an inhumane shriek. Leo didn’t hesitate, leaping off Prime entirely and sprinting towards the discarded sword.
Donnie watched, cheering him on in a weak, hysterical sort of way. Because the hope had lived in his throat and it was suffocated. Just bleak, dreary pessimism that this would not work, that Prime would always win.
Watching Leo attempt, Donnie thought about how he bet on losing dogs. Foolish genius. Oh so painfully mortal.
And the pessimism rang true like a hollow brass bell, the chime of judgement as Prime stamped Leo down with a clawed foot, hand stretched out towards their lifeline.
“So predictable.” Prime said, but hey at least one of his stupid eyes was shut and bleeding from Leo trying to pull it out. The pest won't win but it could be a damn nuisance.
Leo screamed from his pin. He struggled and fought. And Donnie thought: Good. Fight. I want to see you go down fighting, please.
And maybe if it wasn’t already so horrible, Donnie would’ve felt something at the sight of Prime fishing up the sword and holding it aloft. Examining his face in the reflection of the blade.
“How cute.” Prime said, and he grabbed the sword between both hands and snapped it in half, the chaotic ting of shattered ninpo and metal.
All at once, the fight left Leo, limp once again. And Donnie thought…
Something deep seated and primal, like a whisper from the mouth of the universe in his ear. That it was a door closing. It was a coffin shutting. It was goodnight uttered into the air as their dad turned off the light.
“Look at that. Like a toothpick.” Prime tossed the pieces aside. “Now. Enough of your tricks and games. Enough."
Hollow echoes in a low-pitch hum. Endless sky, all of the entropy of the universe pressing down earnestly. Anticipation was its own haunting presence.
“Nothing left. Just me… and you.” Prime loomed over Leo, pink grin stretching beyond limit.
What am I, chopped liver? Donnie thought, but of course did not say out loud. He was riveted to the side profile of Leo’s face. He didn’t know what he was waiting for. Something. Anything. The tense, strung wire. Was he waiting to die? Waiting to watch Leo die? He didn’t know which would be worse. It didn’t matter, actually. One was the other.
“Now what?” Leo asked, lip giving the smallest wobble. He was staring up at his captor, pupils pinpricks, streaked with dirt and blood and tension.
“I think I will kill the useless pest.” Prime announced, straightening up and spreading his hands. It was an almost casual offer, laced with that underlaid taunt.
“No.” Leo said, and it was thoughtless and immediate.
Donnie felt a calm and cold acceptance. Something leeched into his skin like the prevalent chill of the dimension, buried in the marrow of his bones. He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there was nothing he could do. The sword was broken. He was weak and tired and hurt.
“What would be the purpose of keeping him alive?” Prime asked, an obviously rhetorical question if Donnie ever heard one. “He’s useless. He’s nothing. He can’t help you. You can’t save him."
Leo breathed heavily. He said, “Don’t.”
“Where is that silver tongue now?” Prime laughed, looking like he was definitely enjoying himself. “Come on, I want to hear it. Let’s go, little pest. Lay it on me.”
“What do you want?” Leo asked, thin. “Whatever you want, just… don’t hurt him.”
“Beg.”
The word stung Donnie, the force and impact of it greater than any hit he’d incurred. The implications. He said, 'Leo, don’t.' But there was no sound from his mouth.
“Beg?” Leo echoed, the wide whites of his eyes turned up at Prime. He hadn’t looked away for a second. Even as Donnie desperately slammed his hand on the ground to try and gain his attention, Leo kept his gaze pinned on their enemy. Hundreds of hours in hell Leo had been looking at Donnie, but now he kept his gaze away. Even as Prime lifted his hold, releasing Leo and leaving him the choice.
“Beg for me to hurt you instead of him.” Prime said.
Leo immediately got to his knees. Donnie’s heart plummeted, disappearing into the void, stealing what little breath he had left. His twin brother, willingly putting himself in supplication, the sacrificial lamb laying his own throat on the altar stone.
“The floor is yours.” Prime’s eyes glinted with sick amusement, surveying his prize with smug victory.
“Please.” Leo began, and his voice cracked. He shut his eyes, mouth trembling more, barely holding it together.
“Come on, pest. It would take nothing for me to kill him. I will do it right now, if I don’t hear you beg for me to hurt you instead. Tell me you deserve it. Tell me the truth.”
And Donnie witnessed how Leo snapped.
“Please.” Leo’s voice rung high and desperate. “Please hurt me. I – I want you to hurt me. I deserve – I deserve it. I’m the – I’m the pest. I’m the one who screwed up your plans. I’m the one who –”
There was an attempt to inject arrogance in his destroyed voice, but it came out all wrong, all shaky and scrambling. He ignored Donnie’s attempt to gain his attention again, the hand pounding the rock, eyes only for the triumphant smile on Prime’s face.
“He doesn’t deserve it. Please don’t hurt him. Don’t touch him – you can hurt me, you can tear me apart, you can do anything, just don’t – don’t hurt him anymore. Please. I’m begging you, please.” Leo babbled, nearly incoherent, lacing his fingers together in front of him to complete the perfect haunting picture.
“Hm.” Prime pretended to tap his lip in thought. “I’m not sold.”
Donnie almost couldn’t bear it, not another second of listening to this, it felt like the words were searing themselves into his mind like a brand – he would never forget, not the damning words, not the way he sounded pleading and broken. He would give anything not to be helpless, with no voice to scream, to deny the claims falling from Leo’s lips. Because of course he meant it. He meant every damn word and Donnie was useless to make this stop.
“Please, you can’t hurt him. Please. Please, hurt me. Hurt me, I deserve it. I'm the one who you should take your anger out on. I'm the one who ruined everything. I want you to tear me apart, I want you to make it hurt. I need you to hurt me.”
Donnie tried to crawl towards them, knowing it wouldn’t do anything. Dragging hand over hand, nothing more to do, but unable to lay still and listen. His insides were a writhing mass of horror. The world was ending. The world was over.
“One more time?” Prime leaned closer, pleased. Wound up tight, ready to pounce.
“Please hurt me. Please tear me apart. Please kill me. Please. Please. Please. Please–”
A whip of a strike, hard and fast and sending Leo toppling over himself. He sobbed in something as terrible as relief, immediately struggling to his feet again, looking up at Prime. Waiting for it.
Prime didn’t hesitate to deliver, a hit from the other side, battering Leo brutally into the rocks.
“Come on, pest, where are your manners? I am giving you exactly what you asked for.” Prime taunted, loud.
“Thank you.” Leo said, promptly. Fighting back to his feet, trembling arm swiping the blood off his chin. “Thank you for giving me what I deserve.”
Many times over the years, Donnie had felt like Leo had broken his heart. In small ways, like the slump of his shoulders when Splinter’s door was closed to him. An off-handed comment in the med bay about how putting band aids on Mikey’s knees was the only way he could contribute. Or in bigger ways, when Donnie would lean on the feather soft pillow to inspect his twin’s face in the late night blue-and-purple lit bedroom and hear nothing but lies in response to Donnie’s quiet worry over the bags under his eyes.
However none of that was anything in comparison to the sheer cliffside of heart-ache he experienced in this moment, as if it had been pulled still-beating from his chest and squeezed. The broken husk of his unstoppable twin brother, the weight of a star collapsing in on itself after centuries of holding together, all the moments he’d hidden or tucked away what he was feeling plain to see now. The agony and torment and excruciating pain of having to watch the other half of his soul beg to be torn apart. To plead with revolting conviction that he deserved it.
It was a good thing that Prime was going to kill them, because Donnie didn’t think he could survive hearing that.
Prime laughed, letting old anger tinge and grow. “I will give you what you ask for. The stupid little pest that ruined everything, I have broken you and I have won. Keep begging or I will turn this hand on your brother.”
“Please.” Leo said immediately, and Donnie felt the ashes of his heart grind into the dirt. “Please don’t stop hurting me.”
Prime obliged. He kicked him across the rocky landscape, tumbling hard. He snatched Leo up and slammed him into the ground. He crushed him with an unrelenting knee to the plastron, his favoured loom overtop, and demanded, “Let me hear it.”
Leo choked on air, but managed a small, “Thank you.”
Another slam. Bruised and bleeding. Prime picked him up and played with his toy, tossing him in the other direction then chasing down for another slam into the rocks.
Donnie did the only thing he could. He crawled. He kept his eyes on his brother and the torture he was experiencing, but he dragged himself hand over hand, moving barely by inches. He would not look away from Leo’s suffering, not leaving him alone in this.
The pleas fell from Leo’s lips, scattered and desperate, as they began to dissolve into aborted shouts and yelps of pain. Prime wailed on him, relentless, constant and visibly enjoying every moment.
The fist wheeled back again. And Leo's hiccuping cry gave a long string of high pitched, "No, no, no, no, nonononoNO!" Then a hacking fit at the following blow. A grab and pull, with a guttural agonized scream of pain. Donnie dragged another hand forward. Another. Lungs inhaling. His own pain completely ignored, completely irrelevant in the face of the dissolve into screams from his twin.
Another strike. Another. Leo was sobbing hysterically. Donnie dragged himself another inch. Impact and thunder. Heart-wrenching tears, wailing until --
Stopped. Donnie stopped too, curling up and watching because Leo had gone inside his shell, like a kid hiding from punishment. Prime roared in frustration, his toy disappearing, and -- and he --
Donnie covered his mouth with a shaking hand, as Prime stomped around with the compact shell of his twin, and began to bash him against the rocks like a toddler breaking his own toys.
Over. And over. And over. As if he was trying to crack Leo like a nut.
It did nothing. Prime gave another primal scream, annoyed and pissed off, and chucked the broken shell away. Leo's little hurt ball rolled and came to a stop just a few feet away from Donnie. Unmoving and fissured up the middle.
Donnie drew on something inside him. Something he could not describe, but it was all he had left. It was the worry from his dad when at six years old Splinter was begging him to please swallow the pills so he could feel better. It was a broken glass on the floor, the careful step of Raph carrying a smaller Donnie over the pieces. It was a dinner plate set in the microwave with all his safe foods carefully prepared by Mikey when he was having a hard time.
It was the middle of the night, the only two left in the world, and Leo's shy and sweet smile pressed into his elbow. Blue and purple. The dreams of an insomniac dissected in detail. And a helpless laugh, at Donnie's scathing sarcasm, eyes sparkling in the low light. A momentary victory in the endless battle of his twin's well-being.
And when Donnie opened his eyes again, there was a purple bubble surrounding them. Hexagonal shapes, moving in a flow like they were made of liquid nanotech. It said, you will not touch us again.
"That's cute." Prime said, and kicked the purple wall. It sparked and did not waver. Donnie felt the hollow recoil in his chest. It didn't matter. He pulled himself up, the cut strings of agony, but it didn't matter. He gathered Leo up and held him close. A bloody shell. They made a great pair.
An empty, broken laugh stuttered from Donnie's throat, not even vibrating his ravaged vocal cords. They always made a great pair, that was the whole point.
Prime kicked his bubble. Again. Again. Donnie curled around Leo, as if his own slashed soft shell was going to be any protection at all when the bubble shattered. He glanced up at Prime and his repeated attempts to break in, and allowed himself one simple cut glare of desperate hatred.
Then he inhaled. Exhaled. Focused on the irrevocable feeling of family of love of protection to keep the shield stable. Geometric shapes holding their place. It wasn't supposed to be a long-term solution. He needed to... they needed...
Leo was shaking in his shell. He made no move to come out. With his throat, Donnie couldn't even ask him to. The repeated shock of the bash-bash-bash on the outside of his bubble. Violet sparks flying.
Donnie had to do something. He had to be the hero, he had to save them. Both of them. But no self-sacrifice plays, he was doing it his way. Leo always saved them. It was time to return the favour.
Reaching underneath himself, Donnie set his brother down and pulled out the sword he'd crawled overtop. In two firm pieces, otherwise completely useless.
Prime stopped his attack to scoff. His voice came distorted through the neon electric mirage. "What good is that to you?"
If Donnie could talk, he'd ask if he'd ever heard of kintsugi. But he couldn't, and the genius would be lost on him anyway. Instead he placed the two ends of the broken sword together, and thought...
He thought: this will work. I can fix this. I can fix him. I can do anything. Polymers weaving together. Metal is easier to heal than skin.
His father explaining the golden pottery of kintsugi, that it was embracing the imperfections and flaws, to put value in breakage. His voice right there with him, in between the surge of power he shouldn't have even possessed after all he'd expended.
But there it was, and here it was -- a sword healed with purple glowing cracks. Donnie stared, turning it over in his hands, inspecting his face in the reflection of the blade. Whoever stared back, well, they weren't dead yet. So they still had work to do.
The sight of the returned sword had Prime redoubled his efforts to crack the bubble the same way he'd cracked Leo's shell. Donnie breathed. He could still breathe. He could still do this. He stood up, the world swaying, his left leg useless, but he still had his right. He raised the sword, keeping grip, staring down Prime.
"You useless pest." Prime shrieked, pounding and prying at the geometric edges. "There is nothing you can do to stop this."
Donnie breathed. Shaky through his nose, arms trembling with effort. He couldn't speak, but he mouthed the words to himself: I can do this. I'm a badass motherfucker. I can save him. I know how this works. He can do it, I can do it. We're twins, we're mirrors, I can do it too.
A light. Small, but growing, like blowing on a flame. The markings lit up the repaired sword, flashing all the way to the tip.
And for a moment, Donnie met Prime's gaze through staticky purple, and let himself smirk. Giving himself that perfect arched brow that Leo called his supreme bitch face.
Then he summoned a portal. It was just how Leo said, he only had to think about where he wanted to go.
"NO!" Prime shouted, furious. Fists slamming against the construct with enough force to almost knock Donnie over.
But it was fine, because he had his escape. He scooped up Leo and tumbled through the portal, not managing more than a step, but a step was all he needed. They fell into the pile of scraps, and Donnie let the ninpo snap shut. Collapsing his bubble and his portal in one fell swoop.
Then complete silence.
Donnie’s heavy breathing filled the small, enclosed space. It was dark, and he didn’t dare light a single marking to see better. A soft bedding of discarded and burnt burlap scraps, the shudder of frost buffered by the interior of ship walls. Their original hide out. They had never been caught there, so Donnie had no reason to think Prime knew where he’d gone.
Despite that, the terror did not abate. The stammering racehorse of his heart, abusing the inside of his rib cage with its crushing terror.
Leo made no attempt to emerge from his shell, so utterly quiet that if it was not for the relentless trembling Donnie might’ve thought he was dead.
Cracked shell underneath his palms. Donnie cradled the compact version of his twin closer, curling completely around him. As if his body could protect him from anything lurking in the shadows seeking to hurt them.
Breathing. Bleeding. Stillness and quiet, after so much explosive violence, it was echoing in his mind. The adrenaline leaking out of him, leaving behind something so very cold. So cold.
There was no rattle of Prime shaking the side of the ship. Surely if he knew where they’d gone, he would’ve shown up by now. Donnie felt as if his muscles were frozen steel, unable to relax his guard or do more than the painful drag of breathing past his bloody throat. Holding his brother. The low hum far too pervasive. Donnie didn’t have a voice to break it, to plead with Leo to come out, he couldn’t have so much as hummed even if he wanted to.
Donnie had no idea what he should do, if there even was something he could do. His only capability in the moment seemed to be cradling his broken brother to his chest, wheezing through thin breaths and trying to get the sound of Leo’s agonized screams out of his head. Trying to pretend like he couldn’t still hear the exact tone of honest hatred as he begged to be hurt like he deserved.
Given even a moment to process that, tears stung hot and overwhelmed. Donnie couldn’t handle the depth of what happened, what it meant for how Leo viewed himself, and how the hell it would affect them going forward.
If there was a going forward.
Time passed in front of him in sticky, stringy residue — unable to capture or measure. The light headed spin to everything made it hard, harder than it already was, and Donnie came to his senses enough that he needed to do something otherwise they were both going to die. Slower than their previous immediate problem, but if Leo was only going to be shaking and silent in his shell, then it was up to Donnie.
The first step was to light his markings enough to see. This took a lot more bravery than he cared to admit, mind convinced that the room was filled with monsters who were waiting for their time to strike. It was not — the moment the walls bathed in purple it was the same empty and destroyed as it had been when they first arrived. Which felt like centuries ago at this point, the sickest sense of nostalgia. Soaked in something ill and surreal, a haunting liminal space.
Donnie inspected Leo’s shell in the soft violet hue, heart sinking impossibly further. The fissure split in the middle of his beloved patterns, spiderwebbing out to the edges at some points. Let alone what contusions and broken bones would be hiding with his twin drawn into his shell. He could even have another concussion, and Donnie would be none the wiser.
He didn’t know what to do. Their boiling pot was still in the cave, along with their last meal. There was no way Donnie could ever risk going back for it, but it also meant he had no way to clean or bandages Leo’s injuries or his own.
Not that he could handle his own. As the numb waves of shock abated, he could feel the slashed up leathery shell, with almost no way to twist around and treat it himself. Especially since his ribs were definitely broken now, making his already arduous task of breathing worse. The struggle of dragging air through his neck and the excruciating pain the moment he tried to vibrate his vocal cords didn’t bode well. And oh yeah, his leg. All the competing miseries seemed to also be at a loss, unsure how to communicate with Donnie the depths of their problem.
Sleep was a tempting option, if only because the tug of power he’d expelled could use to be replenished, a drawing exhaustion that crept in the more the adrenaline slipped away, along with the dizzy light-headedness. Sleeping also sounded like a terrible idea, because Donnie was solely responsible for the shaking brother in his arms, and he was the one who would have to portal them away if Prime somehow managed to find them. Though that was a bit of a circular problem – needed to rest for his ninpo, couldn’t rest as he needed to be ready to portal away, needed ninpo to portal – and it hurt Donnie’s head to try and come up with a solution.
Donnie could really use Leo’s input on some medical triaging at the moment. Or really just any input, because he was a little afraid that Prime had broken something in Leo that couldn’t be fixed – an obsessive loop of his voice begging to die – and he wanted to hear his twin say he was okay, even if it was a lie.
The dense weight of compressed turtle on his legs. The tremor running through both of them. Donnie peered into his head hole, trying to light enough to make out if his brother was alright. He whispered, the ache of it breezing past his vocal cords and stealing most of the volume, “Leo?”
Quiet. It was entirely possible he hadn’t heard, because it wasn’t very loud. Donnie tapped his fingers on the edge of his shell, careful to try and find any piece that wasn’t shattered like glass. Morse code, one of their many ways they’d collected to communicate over the years. Memories of tapping entire conversations on the wall separating their bedrooms when they were young.
Donnie’s sluggish brain took far too long to remember each individual letter. Painstakingly carving out the one thing he wanted to say, above all else.
I love you
Then he stopped, shuddering and waiting. Hoping that Leo would take it as a sign that it was safe to emerge, that it was just the two of them again. But there was no movement, beyond the infernal shivering.
Donnie breathed, tamping down on the swells of panic. He tried again, gentle fingers on the edge of his shell, trying to get through without the ability to speak. Methodical tapping, waiting between words, repeating the whole sequence twice. Just to really hammer it home.
We are safe
Okay. Maybe it was a lie. But it wasn’t as if his morse code read as easily as a lie as his voice. All he wanted was to convince him to emerge, then he could deal with the rest.
However still nothing. Donnie smoothed his hand over a small, undamaged area of Leo’s shell and thought hard. One last ditch attempt. He tapped slow and patient.
I need you
When that gave no response, Donnie knew that there was nothing that would get Leo out. He felt resigned and defeated, the cold seeping in from all sides.
Alright. Okay. Donnie could do this. He could… figure this out. Find a way to take care of them. They weren’t out for the count yet. They were both still breathing, and that was better odds than they had before. He was in the ship with the ice. Surely if they found one pot, he could find another.
The fear stayed strong against his teeth, sour and unwelcome. That sensation only ramped up when he heard Leo make a noise – but not one Donnie wanted to hear. It was a chirp, just barely audible, muffled slightly from his shell. A few more followed, more desperate than the last.
Pain ricocheted around Donnie’s chest, aching and strong like the shockwaves of an earthquake. It wasn’t his pain, but it hurt like it was. The chirps were pathetic and small and it snapped a little piece of Donnie’s brain to hear his help help help scared.
There was nothing Donnie could do, not even hum, only cradle the shell closer. Blood slippery between his fingers, unsure from who. And on the ground before them, a sword with healed purple cracks began to flicker.
Fluttering with a small light, like butterfly wings. Donnie stared, brow furrowed, glancing down at his twin wondering if he was doing that somehow.
It seemed impossible to consider. But the sword lighting up on his own seemed impossible as well. After a few moments, the light died, and the hush fell again.
Donnie looked away from the sword and held his twin closer.
Chapter Text
The panic set in about ten steps away from Leo.
Donnie had to stop and hold onto the wall – let alone the pain from his laundry list of injuries, the yank of the slashes on his shell with every motion, the agony of walking on his mangled leg, the effort of dragging air through broken ribs and crushed throat – it was nothing in comparison to the strength needed to walk away from his twin.
But Donnie couldn’t bring him along. He couldn’t even really carry himself at the moment, so instead he’d tucked the shivering shell up in the softest nest of burlap he could manage and hid him from sight. Just in case.
They needed water. Donnie had to find a new pot and get ice. Donnie had to do this, because there was no other option. Making it rather unfortunate that trying to walk away from Leo was making the world go black on the edges from sheer panic.
He breathed. It hurt. He had no idea if he was making the right decision. He pushed on anyway, because the only way to go was forward. He had the sword with purple kintsugi strapped to his back, in the hopes that he’d be able to portal into the underbelly for ice once he found a pot.
The drag-drag of his left leg behind him, clutching the wall as he moved. He stopped to shudder through white-hot bullets of pain more than once, forcing his brain to remember the route to the kitchen area. It was muddled and floaty. He was terrified that the moment he took his eyes off Leo, that he would be gone. Either disappeared or dead. He wanted to turn back but the amount of effort it took to get this far already was insurmountable.
He took a break. He argued internally about the energy it took to walk versus the energy it would take to portal. Which was the worse evil. If he used all the ninpo and couldn’t make a portal into the underbelly. Then a tight and hot claustrophobic realization, what if he portalled into the underbelly then didn’t have enough energy to leave.
Fuck. The panic attack hit hard and fast, and Donnie was alone and scared and hurting and it just sucked so much and he didn’t want to do this anymore. He wanted to be home. He wanted Leo to be home. He wanted to be safe and warm and fed. He felt like a little kid throwing a tantrum for things too beyond their capability. Donnie had to sit down before he passed out, the blackness eating both sides of his vision to a pinhole.
He couldn’t stay there, he couldn’t stall, Leo was waiting for him. What if he emerged to find he was alone? Donnie knew exactly how devastating that was.
Then a thunderbolt of terror. What if Leo emerged alone and assumed the worst? Donnie had zero illusions that Leo was in the right state of mind, and if he thought Donnie was dead on top of it? It was a damn good thing Donnie had the sword, but that didn’t mean there weren’t other options available to a self-hating Leonardo.
Stop. Deep breath, or at least as deep as he could manage. He could practically feel the sensation of his twin frowning at him, poking him in the side and telling him to stop letting his genius brain run a mile away in his shoes. He could do this. One step at a time. One problem at a time. He had no idea which decision was the right one, but he couldn’t go backwards. Make a plan and stick to it.
Donnie got back on shaking feet and hugged the wall as he moved. Undeterred by pain or panic hand in hand, focused with gritted teeth on his goal. He should’ve had no strength left, after everything. But Leo was still alive, so his strength was there. It was still breathing.
He was trying really hard not to be angry at Leo for … the whole begging thing. Because it was an impossible situation and there was truly no right answer. It shouldn’t have even been the option in the first place. It would be ridiculous to be upset over something Leo essentially had no control over.
But at the same time, the snap moment of knees against the rock felt like it had been a long time coming. That his twin had been pushing down and down on these emotions and pretending it was all okay, not letting Donnie disarm this explosive keg before it burst, not letting him help. Instead he laid down his life on the altar, he metaphorically chopped his arm off to give Donnie ten more minutes, he tipped his king to the side on the chessboard and walked away.
Even if Leo wasn’t playing anymore, Donnie was and he would win. This time, he would win. It was dragging him off the bloody altar and taking him home. It was sticking his arm in the same portal and daring Leo to chop. It was staring his twin in the eye and promising with his whole heart: if you, then me.
Whatever else it meant, however far it would go.
He got as close as possible before hesitantly opening the portal to cross inside the otherwise inaccessible kitchen. Once inside, the room was the same as they last left it. Donnie scoured the storage containers for anything conductive metal he could use on his little construct induction stove, and surprised himself with the dead body he’d forgotten would be curled up in one of the freezers.
For a moment, Donnie stood there clutching the handle for support, swaying. Meaningless words painted on the walls that obviously meant everything to this someone. Multiple conflicting thoughts like trains whizzing over the same railway tracks kept him frozen in place.
An understanding that even if this corpse was edible, it was a person once. Donnie would really appreciate that if he became a corpse soon too, the next person wandering through would have the respect to not eat him. Not that Donnie had the stomach to even consider it.
It emerged into a morbid, practical plan that if they could not survive, that he would take this husked shell of his brother and crawl into their own freezer. If only because this place proved unaccessed by Prime, and they could rest in peace.
And a final thought, of a single alien who managed to escape the wrath of the Kraang even in death, was that this was perhaps the luckiest person in this place.
Then Donnie shut the door and kept searching.
He did find a pot – smaller, dented – but it had a metal alloy and it was all that mattered. One half of his mission complete, followed by the mental argument of the best method to get into the underbelly. He had no idea the logistics of the energy output versus distance, if it was reasonable to think that crossing space on foot would save his ninpo small amounts even if he had to portal to access in and out regardless. If he was just exhausting himself twice for no reason. Donnie dug shaking hands into his forehead, frustrated at how he couldn’t seem to think straight or rational. The swimming lightheadedness overtaking everything else, filling his knees with water and making it too weak to stand.
Make a plan. Stick to it. Donnie could barely keep his legs locked anymore, so he decided that even if he got trapped in the underbelly, then he would just rest there until he could move again.
‘Just rest’ as if being entombed was going to feel in any way restful, when he knew that Leo was upstairs alone and could wake any minute. Didn’t matter. Donnie summoned a portal and practically hand to crawl inside. The torn apart water tank, half-chipped away for ice. Donnie couldn’t stop trembling as he tried to push through the world-ending panic to get some damn ice. To bring it back for his twin. To keep them alive.
His vision sparkled alarmingly. He almost fell over, balance sinking, heart fluttering in the dizzy spin of everything. Donnie scrambled to hold what ice he’d manage and summoned one last portal, directly back when he started. Falling face first into scraps.
Heavy breathing. Silence and purple light.
Donnie continued to be impressed at the depths of strength he had no idea he could even possess, because he somehow rolled over despite exhaustion and pain to see if Leo was still where he left him. And he was, a crack blue shell nestled in a burlap nest, still shaking, still silent.
The emotion he felt wasn’t quite relief. It was something else, ugly and complicated, and Donnie immediately resettled his twin back on his lap to hug. He wanted to tell him that he was there, that it was safe, and all that came from his throat was a raspy breath.
Fine. Fine. He was working on it. He was fixing things, the best he could. He hadn't gotten trapped in the underbelly, so all the worry was for nothing. He had ice. He hopefully had more energy reserves somewhere inside him to boil a bit more water.
The thought of it almost made him want to cry, at the effort, but whatever. It was fine. He could do this. He could…
Donnie fell asleep without his consent. Curled around his twin, absolutely obliterated from everything, beyond exhausted into some new third level emotion. The portals wiped him out, and the worst case scenario of both of them vulnerable and asleep and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it.
Impossible to tell how much later, Donnie gasped awake. The sharp blast of air past his throat was unbearable, and he gave a pathetic whimper, arms tightening around the brother he was hugging.
His second thought upon regaining consciousness was shit shit shit. He lit his markings, glancing around anxiously for threats. An empty room greeted him, hollow and echoing with his short breathing.
And the third, heart-stopping thought was that Leo wasn’t shaking anymore.
Donnie was unable to think over the siren screaming repeatedly in his brain YOU’RE LOSING HIM YOU’RE LOSING HIM.
“Leo.” Donnie could’ve screamed, but his voice was still that ragged-destroyed, coming out small and thready. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t even tell if he was alive. His whisper tried again, “You’re scaring me.”
It shouldn’t have been loud enough, and yet, there was movement. Relief soaked him all over, as Leo hesitantly peaked out from the lip of his shell, then emerged. A tight hiss between his teeth in pain, bracketed by a sob.
His first look at his twin wasn’t promising – his eyes were glazed, expression oddly flat and skin almost black with bruises. Donnie sought out his wrist and took his pulse, if only because he’d been so momentarily afraid that he was dead.
“D?” Leo muttered, sounding… something shattered and broken.
“You’re okay.” Donnie whispered barely above speaking level, then amended as he knew better, “I’m okay.”
Leo’s wondering hand raised to touch Donnie’s cheek. Dazed. “What did he do to you?”
Donnie shut his eyes, momentarily overwhelmed, because what kind of question was that when Leo’s shell was practically shredding fragments, when he was a sore pile of bones with shrouded pain all over him. He didn’t bother giving an answer that neither of them would hear anyway.
“I’m sorry.” Leo said, and it had Donnie opening his eyes again, because he wanted to see the expression that would follow that tone of voice. It wasn’t a good one, a mutilated smile that maybe was supposed to be reassuring if it wasn’t so devastating. Anguish and thick, undisguised self-hatred. “F-fuck, I’m so sorry.”
Donnie was helpless to argue, and tried to shut him up with a hug.
Leo was shaking again. He didn’t hug back, continuing to babble in his ear, delirious and lost. “I – I hurt you. I… I hurt you. You’re only here because of me and I – I’m going to be sick.”
Donnie tugged back in case he was serious, ready to deal with that, but Leo’s eyes were haunted and small, staring at absolutely nothing. He wasn’t even in this room. When Donnie shook his shoulders as gently as he could and snapped his fingers in front of his face, there was no reaction.
“He only hurt you because of me. Because of me. Me!” A burst hysterical laugh, beyond delirious now and moving into something else, laced in pain. “I’m poison. I’m – I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. How can you – how can you stand to love me a moment longer? Your love of me will get you killed.”
Donnie grabbed both sides of Leo’s face and tried to get his gaze to fix on him, fierce and deeply upset by his words. Helpless, useless, because even when Leo finally let that glazed stare meet his, it only spurred more stumbled words.
“Please don’t love me. Donnie, please. Please stop loving me. Please. Don’t love me. I can’t. I can't.”
Something inside Donnie crumpled. He couldn’t do this. He had no idea how to fix it, if crushing his twin in a hug right now would make things better or worse. But the head wound was bleeding again, sluggishly, having lost his blue mask held bandage somewhere in all the mess. He could fix that, maybe. They had so many injuries the insurmountable task hung like a mountain over him, but he’d try. He’d try.
Donnie let go of his brother, grabbing a hand to squeeze, and turned away to stretch out and reach the items he’d dropped upon arrival – chipping the ice into pieces with the sword to fit inside the smaller pot, blood running cold at the running babble coming out of his brother’s mouth. The words got more and more incomprehensible, until he was staring again at the ceiling with glazed eyes.
Easier for Donnie to work. He managed to construct his little stove and it took twice the time to get it boiling. But he did, setting aside to cool. He was eager to drink, the tacky film of blood in his throat agony to swallow around. That first sip of water was practically the lap of luxury. How pathetic.
Donnie nudged Leo pointedly. There was no response. An attempt at his name with his breathy voice gave similar non-reaction. After a moment of thought, he endured the bolt of agony and said in a stern tone, “Blue.”
Not very loud, and it hurt like hell, like his trachea was being split down the middle. But Leo’s eyes snapped to him, confused and reorientating.
Donnie didn’t dare speak again, on the cusp of agony, and instead shoved the pot of water into his hands pointedly.
“No.” Leo denied, immediately, thoughtlessly. “No, no, no. I’m not. No.”
Donnie snapped until he had his attention, then signed a hand towards his mouth sharply, ‘Drink.’
Leo fought him, pushing back, and Donnie had to take the water to keep it from spilling. He scowled, and signed ‘drink’ again, a determined furrow of his brow trying to pin his brother in place.
It didn’t work. Leo shook his head so hard that he moaned and grabbed his temples with white knuckles, breathing hard.
Even though Leo wasn’t looking at him, it made Donnie feel better in this horrible situation to fiercely sign ‘idiot’. Then he set the water to the side for now, deciding to try something else. He wet a small scrap and reached out with a shaking hand to dab at the blood caked all over Leo’s face, including the sluggish slow bleed from his reopened head wound.
The gentle touch had Leo cut a glance up at him, something devastated and glassy eyed, but he didn’t move. Just swallowed and held still.
Donnie managed to clean a small section, and he didn’t want to dunk the scrap back in and contaminate their water, so he tossed it aside. And held out the pot again in offer. Almost predictably, Leo shook his head. This time, he was looking when Donnie signed ‘idiot’.
“You look upset.” Leo said, and his voice was distant and almost dreamy. It was alarming to hear. “It’s gonna be okay, Tello.”
Donnie blinked hard, because tears were fighting their way to the surface and he couldn’t let them. Not right now.
Leo’s babble continued, undeterred. “I talked to Raph and Mikey and Dad, they’re gonna pull you out. Mmkay? Just gotta… oh, the sword is broken. I told them… I told them to use the swords. And they… they wanted you to know that they loved you. You know that, right? That we all love you so much?”
Donnie had honestly no idea what to do with such obviously delirious ramblings, as if he’d fucking talked to their family. Right, just rang them up on the phone. So he raised his hand and signed back, ‘I love you too’, because of course he did. It was the only thing he had left.
Without much hope, Donnie offered the pot again. Unable to verbally argue, and hoping maybe persistence would just pay off.
“No.” Leo’s lip wobbled, and the attempt at a smile was a war crime. “You drink, Tello. Please.”
Donnie didn’t know what to do. The strangling helplessness was worse than Prime’s hands around his throat. He was in incredible pain and couldn’t speak and he was tired and scared and he just – he just needed Leo to work with him here. Something about Leo’s wild look said all the edges of him were sharp and hurting inside, and this was the kid who leaned into every touch he’d ever been given in his life. So Donnie dug into his kryptonite, and opened his arms, asking Leo silently for a hug.
All the conflict and ravaging emotions were far too clear beyond the tatters of Leo’s broken mask, far more truth than he’d ever allow Donnie to see before. The self-hatred, internalized blame and loathing. Something coated in disgust, as if Leo was hesitating for Donnie’s sake. Even though it was Donnie himself asking, leaning closer, letting the plain upset take over his own expression, knowing how weak Leo’s resolve would be in the face of it. And he begged internally, please let his love for me be stronger than his hate for himself.
He didn’t get to find out the answer, because everything piled on at once, and Leo did that stupid thing he always did as a kid where he covered his mouth with his hands before puking, as if it would stop it from happening.
Donnie sighed huge, reaching for another untouched scrap to dampen and help Leo clean the vomit off his trembling hands, staring at them in wide-eyed horror. He stayed unmoving as Donnie got the sick off.
One last attempt at offering Leo water before Donnie gave up, instead guiding his brother to lay down on his legs. There was seemingly no safe place to touch, all his skin purple and blacks. Donnie’s own stomach churned at the sight.
He couldn’t lean against the wall, as his shell was a throbbing mass of sharp pain. He didn’t want to lean overtop Leo’s shell, the fissure down the middle painful to look at. He stayed sitting up, uncomfortable and aching and struggling to breathe from multiple sources.
“Don’t cry, Tello.” Leo murmured, shifting to the side with a visible wince but reaching up to touch Donnie’s face. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying until the damp pulled away from his fingers. And then Leo made a bunch of sounds, that took a disorientating moment to realize was supposed to be the fucking Nyan Cat song.
The delirious twin trying to cheer him up as they were both surely dying was maybe just a bit too much. The sob that cracked through his chest was like a bullet in how it ignited all his agonies, and the crying began in painful earnest.
There was a wounded sound in the back of Leo’s throat, and he tried to sit up to help and ended up crying out in his own hurt, the lock of his elbow collapsing when he leveraged up on it. Leo was not deterred in the slightest, face rippled in agony as he got up enough anyway to crouch beside Donnie and hold his face with incredibly gentle shaking hands, tears colliding with his palms, and tipped their foreheads together.
Donnie shut his eyes, blindly reaching up to clutch his arm in place. The crying did not abate. Stuffy and gross and utterly out of his control. There could not possibly be more emotions inside the thing called Donatello at this moment.
A hitch in his breath. Donnie choked it down, the spasms in his throat stinging hard. The flood of tears poured like a waterfall. Leo did a big, exaggerated breath. Inhale, exhale.
Donnie followed him, much smaller in respect for his narrow airway but just as purposeful. Inhale, exhale. One by one, breath after breath, until there weren’t dangerous sparks in his vision anymore. He could breathe, even if it felt like he couldn’t. He was still alive. They were both still alive, as of right now.
When he opened his eyes again, sight blurred and indistinct, Leo was looking back. And offered a weak smile.
Donnie felt a misplaced lightning bolt of anger, that he was looking now, that he had torn his eyes away when Donnie was slamming his hand on the ground trying to beg for his attention instead of Prime. He pulled away, and picked up the pot, and shoved it in Leo’s hands.
“Can I see your shell?” Leo asked instead of drinking it, hushed and rough. And still not entirely coherent, slurred and distant.
Donnie didn’t want to think about his shell, but shuffled back enough anyway to let him see. A low hiss between Leo’s teeth, not encouraging.
“Let me clean it.” Leo asked. No. Begged.
Donnie couldn’t handle that. But there was no other option. He shrugged, and kept his back to Leo, hugging his elbows in on each other. Hunching over and leaning forward the moment the wet scrap touched. White-hot pain.
Breathing was hard again. Donnie kept very still, waiting for the pain to stop. Someone was murmuring. It took way too long to realize that Prime wasn’t there, that it was Leo’s gentle methodical hands that were still shaking as they cleaned the slashes up and down his leathery shell. When Donnie tuned in enough through the fuzz to hear again, Leo was deliriously repeating, “I’m sorry.”
Resignation rolled over him like a truck. There was nothing more to do. Donnie reached back and caught his wrist, stopping him. Then straightened up, as they had nothing large enough to bandage the surface area needed.
He faced his twin to see the white-faced expression, like he might puke again, and a streak of blood down his temple. Donnie took the pot of water and dabbed his own scrap wet to clean it off. And while they’d lost Leo’s mask, Donnie still had his bandana, and used that as a bandage holder. It wasn’t ideal, as these scraps hadn’t been cleaned and he couldn’t get the energy to fetch more water to do so, but honestly they weren’t going to live long enough for it to matter anymore anyway.
“Do I look good in purple?” Leo asked, eyes unfocused. The small mercy that he’d held still while Donnie worked, sluggishly tracking his movements in distant curiosity.
Donnie signed, ‘Everyone looks good in purple.'
Leo smiled. Shy and sweet. Donnie hadn’t thought his heart could actually be broken in more pieces than it already was, but something about seeing that smile again right now was just the kicker. A resigned, devastated tear escaped when Donnie blinked, trailing down his cheeks.
“Please don’t cry.” Leo said, his expression crumpling.
Donnie swiped off his face with his wrist, and almost shook his head. But the smallest motion of his neck stalled that with the shock of pain. Instead he gestured for Leo to lay back down.
Leo did, but he pulled Donnie with him. The glassy eyes and pale face, mouth trembling with unvoiced pain. Donnie figured it didn’t matter anymore and laid down too, curling up like parentheses in the nest. He was so tired. It was so cold. The cold seemed worse now than ever, like his body lost the capacity to deal with it. Sinking into his skin.
The walls faded from his purple light when he relaxed his ninpo. The moment the pure darkness set in, Leo’s hand was reaching out and pinned fingertips to the inside of Donnie’s wrist. Otherwise they stayed completely still, their breathing out of sync as Donnie’s was extended and drawn by the amount of effort it took to bypass his trachea.
Quiet. Fading in and out. Donnie startled awake, unaware he’d even fallen asleep, at the sound of his own name.
Torn from Leo’s throat, desperate and scared. “Donnie!”
Reflexively, he tried to say, “I’m here,” but it ripped a hole in his throat as he did. Instead he gathered what he could reach and squeezed, heedless of injuries on either side, and Leo’s mad scramble to get him close.
But it did not help. Leo chanted in his ear, delirious and utterly terrified, “Donnie, Donnie, Donnie.”
It must’ve been a nightmare, or a hallucination, or something. Because nothing seemed to calm his brother. If only he could speak. If only he could do anything. If only he could actually save them. And it was possibly the worst kind of learned helplessness, that he accepted that this was his fate.
There was nothing left. There was nothing left, just the two of them and more injuries than they could ever recover from. A ticking time bomb until they were discovered again. Donnie should’ve dragged them both to the freezer and crawled inside.
And Donnie had no idea why he didn’t. Why he stayed there, holding his twin, as if there was some kind of saving grace at the end of all this. What delusions he had that they might both survive. But despite all his pessimism, despite all the statistics and evidence against the outcome, despite everything that screamed inside him to give up, to put them somewhere safe to die and rest in peace –
He didn’t. It was the last choice he could make. To hold on, just a minute longer. Just another minute. So he held onto his twin. Just a little longer.
The next time Donnie woke, he couldn’t stop shivering.
The sound of his own teeth chattering filled the echoing room in the worst kind of sensory hell that he couldn’t seem to stop even if he wanted to. Blind and exhausted, he flexed his hands to look for Leo and found that his twin was already holding onto him, there was just no sensation in the grip, having gone numb. And fingers pressed again at his pulse. When he dislodged that, Leo gasped awake, and said all disoriented, “D?”
Donnie made the mistake of trying to hum a response and dissolved into bloody tasting coughs instead.
“Shit, shit.” Leo murmured, foggy. “You’re okay.”
Donnie was definitely not okay, but he didn’t bother arguing with him. And judging by the slur to his words, it would be as effective as arguing with a brick wall regardless.
He lit the soft purple markings and didn’t like what he could see. The white sheet face of his brother, almost grey. A blueish tinge starting to creep in the edges, and Leo was shivering too. But when Donnie tried to feel his skin, it was that same numb static like when a limb fell asleep. He couldn’t tell a temperature difference between the two of them. And that meant there was no possible way they could find any kind of thermal equilibrium.
It sunk like a stone in his stomach. The situation had truly never felt so desolate, so utterly beyond saving. What did they even have left? What was Donnie hoping for? It must’ve been nine, maybe ten days. And nothing left.
“What are you thinking?” Leo whispered, hushed but too-loud at the same time, as if he wasn’t in control enough to properly regulate his volume.
Donnie didn’t know how to answer. He couldn’t answer anyway, and it was a mercy. It was a momentary grace, saving him from admitting that he had no clue what to do.
He pushed through a stammering breath, the hysterical edge of panic too tight and too sharp. Leo’s fumbling hands pulled him closer and tucked Donnie underneath his chin.
“Don’t be scared.” Leo murmured to the top of his head. “I’m here.”
It was like a splinter of glass shattering, the jagged edges. He held onto Leo, and it felt like nothing. Too cold, past the point of chilled directly into the feeling of tight muscles and exhaustion from the force of his shaking.
Chapter 17
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The quiet and the shivering. That low-level hum felt about fifty times louder than it had ever been, overwhelming all his other senses. Unnerving and unsettling. Donnie wished Leo would talk to break it, but when he prodded his twin, there was no reply.
Donnie’s heart skipped a beat. He sat up a little, pulling away, wincing, but burning his marks brighter. Leo’s eyes were closed and he was so very still. Ice cold. Donnie jostled his shoulder, thick and heavy panic pressing down hard, but Leo didn’t respond.
The annoyance Donnie felt was all hysteria, and he resorted to grabbing a shoulder with sharp bruises – not that there was anywhere to grab that wasn’t bruised – and squeezing. A faint, barely visible flinch, turning away from the touch.
Donnie scraped some air past his vocal cords to speak but swiftly abandoned that plan, clapping directly beside Leo's ear instead. Loud and thunderous in the small space, but getting Leo to turn his head and blearily blink up at him. Nearly impossible to rouse.
Was it brumation or death? The first lead into the other regardless, for an injured turtle. Donnie gave Leo a fierce glare, agitated and frantic, but his twin didn’t meet the gaze. He shifted away from the touch and shut his eyes again.
Donnie wanted to scream. But he couldn’t. Surely this was not the death of Hamato Leonardo. Quiet and cold. Giving in, letting himself frost over and fall into darkness. Not emerging.
Despite his own exhaustion, Donnie didn’t let himself sleep, rousing Leo as best he could again and again. He was terrified that if they both went to sleep it would be over, and Donnie – he just couldn’t let it end like this. Leo’s feeble hands kept pushing Donnie back, face scrunching up, eyes barely fluttering open each time. But Donnie didn’t stop.
Then there was a crash, and Donnie stopped breathing entirely. Distant, rattling through the floor and ceiling. He cut his purple markings, letting everything fade to horrible black.
Echoing crunch-crunch-crunch of metal screeching. It felt like it came from all directions, impossible to orientate the sound when the world spun around and around Donnie in sheer stomach plummeting terror. Completely frozen decision making – if they should’ve gone to hide in the freezer to die, if Donnie should've instead made damn sure that Prime didn’t get his hands on either of them ever again no matter the cost, if he should stand up and fight even if it meant nothing.
The footsteps crossed directly overtop their hideout. And there was a frightened chirp from his twin, primal and repetitive.
Donnie reached out and covered Leo’s mouth with icy fingers, somehow keeping the motion calm. Muffling the sound. And the footsteps continued past, shuddering the ship above their head and continuing down the length.
The quiet scared sounds continued and Donnie realized Leo was pulling away too late to understand the consequences – that Leo drew back inside his shell, trembling.
If Donnie could’ve sworn out loud, he would’ve. So it probably good that he could not, as Prime hadn’t gone far. Instead he tugged the shell to hug once more, trying to keep the scared chirps down and quiet. Counting the footsteps as they trailed away. And faded.
Donnie couldn’t move. He stayed exactly like that, utterly frozen, for far too long. Waiting for Prime to come back and finish the job.
The scared noises stopped. But Leo did not emerge. And now Donnie had no capability to rouse him anymore. That sensation of complete helplessness put a smile on his face, dark and hilarious. Of course. Of course, how else was this going to go?
He couldn’t go to sleep. So he stayed there hugging the shell and wondering if Leo was dead already. If he’d be able to tell the difference. If he should stand up, give up now, and climb into the freezer.
Heh. Maybe he was more like Leo than he ever thought, because right now he wasn’t thinking about writing ‘I love you.’ The only thing coming to mind was, ‘I’m sorry.’
Light blossomed in the dark room. After ages staring into the swallowing void, it stung Donnie’s eyes. Squinting confused and immediately on guard. But with a moment of adjustment, he could see it was just the sword. The markings humming up the middle, almost whispering. Soft and quiet.
Donnie stared.
The first thought was actually about the purple kintsugi. It had faded, no longer glowing, just a hardened deep purple. And unlike his other constructs, it hadn’t disappeared when he slept.
The second thought was a stupid wondering, again, if Leo was lighting it up somehow. But at this point, Donnie was extremely confident that Leo wasn’t doing shit.
And the third thought was absolute disbelief.
The babble he’d dismissed from his delirious brother about talking to their family and the sword and – there was just no way. There was no way.
Soft light hummed, a glimmer glow like rising flutes. Then falling back into nothing. A summon. A call. Dad’s voice echoing in the sewers that dinner was ready, and it was time to go home.
Traitorous hope tore an open wound in his chest. If this wasn’t real, it was going to kill him. He shook Leo, desperate to wake him, that he had to get up and try again, try one more time to open the portal and get them home – but reality was much louder. Donnie knew Leo was in no state to do anything.
If they were going to try, there was only one person who could.
Everything paused, the suspension hanging in the air, and Donnie thought – he did not allow doubt to enter his mind. He seized on the hope, full force, because ninpo was powered by his belief that it would work. There was no margin for error.
And he had absolutely nothing to lose by trying with everything he had.
Donnie was shaking like a leaf as he inched towards the sword. He was thinking about how Leo mentioned a theory about pushing on the portal from either side with the swords. About how he’d somehow managed to communicate this with Raph and Mikey even though it should’ve been impossible, but impossible wasn’t a word Leo knew.
His hand closed on the hilt of the sword. Donnie had made like, four portals total in his entire life and now he was going to tear a hole in reality. One that Leo had failed at the first time.
No. That wasn’t true. Leo failed on his own. Donnie had his family on the other side, waiting for him. He had to believe that, because there was nothing else left. Nothing else mattered anyway. If he tried and failed, they were dead anyway. He could do this. Fuck, he would.
Donnie wrangled the broken shell into his lap. He couldn’t stand, not this time. Everything was numb and prickled with shocks of pain simmering. His heart was beating so rapidly his vision was swimming with fuzz in the painted blanket of black. He didn’t need to stand. He shifted the grip on the hilt, breathing heavy. Scared. No, he wasn't scared, because it was going to work. It was. Donnie believed in his family.
It was standing with Leo, his fingers curling over Donnie’s, and his voice saying, ‘I think about where I want to be.’
HOME.
Donnie wanted to go home. If he closed his eyes, he could feel it. As if it was close enough to touch, if he just reached out. He only had to reach out.
His skin crawled. He drew from that well inside him, soaking up like a sponge, pushing all the atoms in the battery, focusing on the consistency of spray paint between his fingertips, gentle hands tying his bandana behind his head for him, sore stomach from laughter.
The markings lit up the sword. An eager hum of energy, ready to create whatever Donnie wanted. He channelled that, directing the flow of a river, the vibrations running up his arms. He took a slow, cautious breath, not wanting to disrupt his throat. The walls splashed with the illumination of white and lilac.
I want to go home, Donnie thought. Let me go home. Let me take him home. Let me save him. Let this work. I want to go home.
He pushed against the locked cage doors, the sensation pulsing back against what power he had left. Everything he had left. Donnie reached his hand out between the bars.
And instantaneously, he was latched onto, and pulled.
A scrambling tug, one set of hands, two, three, the sword split the air and cut through the impossible distance separating them. The universe tore down the middle at the will of one family.
Donnie didn’t dare let go. He widened the gap, he gave every inch of power he had, pushing hard. The rattle of his sword in his hand. He was breathing hard, and it caught, and he coughed. A small falter in his effort, to break the cell walls encasing him, attempting to take a moment to gather air.
The three sets of hands tightened their grip desperately, and combined they tore the rest of the way through. And Donnie looked up, and there they were.
Without another moment of thought, he raised Leo from where the broken shell was resting on his legs, and offered him out.
Splinter took Leo, gentle and careful of the very obvious wounds. And before Donnie could so much as retract his hands, Mikey grabbed one side and Raph the other and the two of them pulled him back home in one solid, swift movement. He fell into what was, somehow, the dojo of the lair. The bounce of the floor that muffled the clatter of the sword that tumbled in with him.
“Close it, quick.” Raph ordered, his voice sounding about twenty times too loud after all that horrendous silence.
Mikey slammed his hands shut and the tear in reality closed.
Donnie couldn’t actually breathe. Another cough tore through him, on his knees and hunching over to try and shave a single thread of air into his lungs. He couldn’t tell if it was from expending too much energy, his damaged throat, or just sheer panic. Or possibly an exciting new type of hysteria, that he could perfectly conjure what the bounce of the dojo floor would feel like underneath his fingertips, how the warmth would sting his frozen skin, and the hurried vibrations of a big brother kneeling beside him.
“Oh God.” Raph sounded almost ill. “Hey Don, just breathe, okay?”
Brilliant idea. As the world began to sway stuck in a wasps nest of sensations to give anything better. He couldn’t stop coughing, and it just made everything that more surreal. There was no way this was actually happening.
“Med bay.” Splinter’s voice ordered from behind him. “Can you bring him, Red?”
“Yeah. But I don’t want to hurt him.” Raph stretched that agony like taffy. “Is there even anywhere safe to touch?”
If Donnie had been thinking straight, he would’ve been ecstatic to finally be wrapped in Raph’s arms. However he couldn’t catch his breath, and the moment the touch landed hesitantly on his arm he lashed out.
“Damn it!” Raph wheeled back, clutching his hand. Donnie was sparking, a protective layer of purple snapping at reaching fingertips.
“No touchy, point taken.” Mikey was still in front of him, ducking his head to try and meet Donnie’s eyes. “But you really gotta start breathing then, Donnie D.”
A stupid cutesy nickname that Mikey liked to pull out when he was being silly. There was no room left for being silly in hell, wasn’t there? The stark contrast of believing his own death was a forgone conclusion – to a bright dojo and an assault of information.
Way too much information. The sting of fluorescent lights. Two hovering brothers. Indoor heating. For some reason, the spring-back of the dojo floor against his hand was the weirdest part. It was just so specific for his mind to add that detail.
Two hovering brothers?
Donnie’s head snapped up, wheezing through the slice of agony in his throat, and Leo was nowhere to be seen. The avalanche of panic was immediate and crushing, scouring every inch but his brother wasn’t there. He said, the sound like a rock tumbler, “Leo?"
“Leo’s fine.” Raph assured, prompt, even with a shadow of uncertainty. “Dad has him. We’re going to follow them to the med bay, if you’ll let me take you.”
Donnie stared at him, uncomprehending, the echo of his own laboured breath in thready strings. As he watched, Raph’s eyes flickered down to his exposed throat and something terrible happened in his expression. He blindly reached out and grabbed Mikey by the shoulder, like he was falling over.
Mikey held his hand, but didn’t look away from Donnie for a second. He repeated, calm and cool, “You’re home, okay? And so is Leo, he’s with Dad. Do you want us to take you to him?”
Everything was spinning and it was making it so hard to think. Was this even real? How could he be here? Wasn’t hell the rest of his life?
Was it a trick?
Donnie’s blood went cold, and he appraised the image of his brothers with more calculating eyes — well, as calculating as he could be when it felt like he’d just repeatedly kicked the wasp nest in his mind and stood there with his arms out waiting for the consequences. He couldn’t — he couldn’t trust this. He needed to think more like Leo, he needed to notice the bloody fingerprints on the wall before he got them killed.
And above all, he needed Leo, right now.
Ignoring both of the illusions in front of him, Donnie struggled to his feet, pushing up hard on the springy floor to get his legs to lock underneath himself.
“Woah, woah, careful, you don’t need to do that. Raph’s got you—“ the approach was cut off by another whip of purple sparks, the moment Raph made contact.
Raph clutched his hand to his chest again. He pleaded, stammering in horror in the middle, “Don, you can’t walk on that — that leg.”
Donnie could, actually. He’d done it a few times. And he’d do it again, if it meant he could see Leo. He staggered upwards and stubbornly grit his teeth against the surge of pain. All his competing agonies, each screaming for his attention — hey think about the lightning bolt of pain up your leg, what about the rippling agony of trying to breathe through a crumpled straw, oh have you considered the yank of motion on a slashed shell or perhaps the grind of hunger and thirst and exhaustion? Hm?
His vision nearly went black and he swayed alarmingly to the side. The supportive touch on his elbow felt like an attack and he whip-striked it off him, heedless of how it might hurt the hand reaching out. No mercy for what was trying to kill him. Spinning delirious and defenceless against the silhouettes wearing his brothers faces, trying to trick him. Trying to lull him into letting his guard down. Right? He wished he could ask Leo what to do. He seriously needed to set eyes on his twin soon or he was going to start biting.
“You’re gonna hurt yourself.” Raph said, to his left. “We’ll bring you right to Leo, please.”
Mikey chimed in from his right, the calm fragmenting just a little. “We want to help, Donnie.”
Something was spinning like a frantic top in his brain. There wasn’t any room for this in there right now. He didn’t know if he could trust what was happening, it was just so disorientating and he couldn’t think straight when he couldn’t see Leo. So he limped on his damaged leg, hugging the wall and enduring the hover of the two following him, hissing at each other behind his back.
The med bay was exactly where it hypothetically should've been if this was real. Donnie ignored the evidence, eyes only for the shell placed on a cot in the middle of the room. Splinter was standing over him, crying, the tears dripping down his cheeks.
“Boys.” Splinter snapped up, confused at the sight before him. “What’s going on?”
“He’s not letting us near him.” Raph explained, something wounded in his tone. “Is Leo –”
“He’s alive.” Splinter answered promptly, sniffing loud and swiping at his cheeks with a more business-like tone. “His temperature is dangerously low, I think he may be brumating.”
Donnie ignored all those words. He climbed up onto the cot, gathering Leo into his arms then backing up until his shell hit the wall. It bulleted pain through his system but that was fine. This was fine. They were fine. He’d figured out what was going on, then they’d – they'd … something. Foggy and far away.
He hunched over, sheltering Leo in his arms, wheezing through a couple breaths. The coughing from earlier brought more blood to the back of his tongue, but it was such a familiar taste he hardly even noticed it. The caress of indoor heating was making him far too aware how cold his skin was. How much Leo’s compact shell felt like a heavy brick of ice.
“How are we going to give them medical help if we can’t even touch them?” Mikey asked, a little lost. “They need it really bad, look at them.”
“Mikey, you can call the others, we’ll need their help.” Splinter said. “For now, we can just get them to feel safe, and hopefully warm. Raph, could you fetch some blankets?”
“Course, Pops.” Raph said, rough, and disappeared. Mikey stepped aside with his phone.
Splinter returned to the side of the cot, Donnie’s metaphorical hackles going up, tugging Leo closer and staring at Splinter with a wary eye.
“You have done such a good job taking care of each other.” Splinter said, grave, and the tears were still shining on his face. “My beloved Purple, I am so proud of you. Do you think you could let us help you and your brother?”
Donnie rested his forehead against the top of Leo’s cracked shell. He pretended that he could feel Leo with him, that he could guess what the right move was, even when paranoia and fear were so loud. They sounded just like his family, but it made no sense. There was no logic, that he’d be about to die one second then what? Safe?
“What’s he saying?” Raph said, lugging in large blankets.
He hadn’t even realized he’d been speaking, but that did explain the fire balled up in his throat. A barely-there rasp, as he repeated the same words over and over again. The helplessness consuming.
“I’m not sure. Purple, don’t speak, your throat…” Splinter trailed off, looking gutted.
Raph got closer, looking like he was going to trap them both in what he was holding. So Donnie’s eyes flashed up, and he repeated, as loud as his destroyed voice could manage, “Please don’t hurt him. Please.”
Raph staggered back as if Donnie had hit him, despair fissuring through him. Splinter skirted around to Raph’s side, taking the blankets and setting them on the foot of the cot before guiding his biggest son to sit in a chair.
“Give them a minute, okay?” Splinter said, and it was ruined by the fact that he was crying again. A tight squeeze of Raph’s hand, gentle and sniffling, before he turned his attention to the twins. Back against the wall, Donnie losing the small rasp of his voice and instead pinning across a wary and exhausted stare.
“Blue is very cold, my son.” Splinter said, insanely gentle even with how he was crying again. “There is a blanket at your feet.”
It wasn’t an order, or even a suggestion. Almost like an objective statement, letting Donnie draw his own conclusions.
Leo did feel very cold. The sting of indoor heating wasn’t going to be enough. Donnie eyed the thick blanket, all hand stitched quilt of multiple soft layers. It was the one from the foot of Leo’s bed, with pretty patterns of stars and constellations.
It sure as hell wasn’t a pile of burlap scraps. It felt like a sin to touch the clean soft fabric with his filthy hands, but Leo was cold. He dragged the edge closer and with fumbling hands bundled up his brother, careful of his cracked shell and leaving room to breathe. It softened the weight on his lap, putting some heat into his own legs.
“Thank you for doing that, Purple.” Splinter said, quiet. “There is another blanket there, you are shivering quite a lot yourself.”
Was he? Donnie actually kind of couldn’t feel anything right now. Like yeah, pain, discomfort, but it didn’t feel like anything. It was in another room, another universe. All that mattered in this exact second was the heavy weight he was holding. He carefully rubbed the shell through the blankets, not to catch against the cracks, leaning over to peek in the head hole. Nothing visible. But there was a little shudder of breath. He was alive.
They were both alive. That was… wow. Okay. A lot to take in, because there was a blanket. Donnie could feel the hand-stitches underneath his palms as he tried to rub some warmth on his twin. And there definitely wasn’t a blanket in hell. That was … weird. A jump on the record player.
“They’re coming.” Mikey said, walking in the room shoving his phone in the pocket of his sweater and immediately going to Raph’s side, tucking himself under the offered arm. He bonked heads with their bigger brother and said, “You okay?”
Raph bonked back, and didn’t reply, clutching him close. He kept his eyes on Donnie, who was watching him with his peripherals.
“It's still the same problem, how are we going to treat them if we can’t touch them?” Mikey voiced next, seeking out Splinter.
“Just let them have a bit to settle.” Splinter said, sniffing and wiping at his face again, the tears still flowing. He settled beside Raph’s other side, sinking into the touch when Raph automatically hugged him too.
Something sharp and snapping when Donnie looked at them. Miserable jealously and want. A crushing fear and paranoia beating that down the moment it rose, because that wasn’t what was really happening. Right? He really wanted to ask Leo. He leaned over the head hole again and whispered, “Leo?” in his shattered voice.
No reply. Donnie frowned and fussed the blankets tighter around his broken twin. Three sets of eyes watched his movements from the other side of the room, worried murmuring just on the edge of his hearing.
Mikey’s phone chimed. He pulled it out of his pocket, and said, “April’s here, I’m just gonna –”
“Yes.” Splinter agreed, and Mikey bolted out from under Raph’s arm. Chatter in the hallway a minute later, and April stopped in the doorway, stopping herself mid-sentence, “I’m not going to –”
Silence. Her face did something weird. Then she gave the cot a wide berth and joined the other side of the room with Raph and Splinter. “Hey. You got them.”
“We got them.” Raph replied, and it didn’t sound like victory.
“I’m gonna talk to him, okay? I already told Mikey I won’t touch, I promise.” April said, coaxing. Her hair was thrown up haphazardly, like she’d just gotten up. Little strands were hanging in her face, which was drawn and very tired.
Raph gave a fragile nod. April squeezed his arm and gently dragged a chair close, but not within arms reach.
“Hey Donnie.” April said, all casual, like they were just meeting up for lunch. “It’s good to see you. How are you feeling?”
A cut and wary stare from where Donnie was sheltering Leo’s bundled up shell in his arms, the room filled with the wheeze of his breathing. Everything was swaying alarmingly, like he was going to pass out. But he was stronger than that and had a brother to protect. The ringing bells of overwhelming pain beginning to break through the shade of numb shock.
“I bet you’re pretty sore.” April said, plainly sympathetic. No nonsense. “I can hear your teeth chattering from here too. And you’re swaying quite a lot. All empirical evidence that says maybe it’s time to rest.”
No no, not rest. Donnie shook his head, wincing at the stroke of pain it caused in his throat.
“No?” April wondered, leaning forward elbows against her knees, glasses catching the light. Maybe that was the shine on her eyes, because surely April wasn’t about to cry. She was much tougher than that. “You’ve been on a long trip, bubs. But you’re home now. That means you’re safe.”
More splintering up the middle of his resolve. He wasn’t sure even his imagination could manufacture the image of April blinking the tears out of her eyes. That just seemed beyond his capabilities. And the beginning of an itch all over his chilled skin, as it regained feeling.
His brow furrowed at he stared at her, then flickered to the three behind. Perfect figures of his family, all of them staring back with the worst possible expressions on their face. Dad crying, Raph with his set jaw, and Mikey chewing on his thumb. Waiting for something.
For a moment, a flicker of something else, the desire to fix whatever was wrong and making them look like that. Donnie glanced back at his sister, who was studying him intently. Something didn’t feel right. Though he was that dangerously light-headed again, so it was contributing to the sensation.
But it didn’t feel… it didn’t feel like a trick? Because that made no sense, that wasn’t how Prime fought. He didn’t conjure up fake realities, he had more than enough horror in the real one. This false sensation, like there was someone else here. Like it wasn’t really Donnie who was here. That didn’t track. He opened a portal, right? It was Leo’s idea. Connect the swords on either side. But how the hell did they know to open it?
“Come on, I can practically hear the gears turning.” April encouraged. “You’ve got it, right? You’re home.”
His hands shook as he raised them, two curved palms rolling downwards. ‘How?’
“How what?” April repeated. “I don’t know what you did on your side, if Leo’s down for the count, but we used the sword on our end as soon as you signalled back.”
Signalled? Wait. That meant the first time it flashed, right after they escaped… was that a signal too? Had Donnie ignored their call home? And Leo hadn’t known to say anything, judging by his delirious rambling – his brother assumed that the sword was still broken because he hadn’t been present when Donnie fixed it.
That… that was really shitty. In a way that Donnie could not process right now, not on top of everything else. A hand waved in the edge of his vision and Donnie jumped, backing up hard into the wall with his damaged shell. Which immediately caused a strangled yelp to escape his throat at the wave of pain it created.
“Hey, I’m sorry, you’re okay.” April promised, coming from beyond a waterfall of noise.
Donnie shuddered from head to toe, pushing through the crash of miserable sensation. He hugged around the blanketed shell he was holding, burying his face in it as the room got woozy and distant.
“That looked really painful.” April said. “We’ve got Casey and Draxum coming over, they’ll be here any minute. Do you think you could let them take a look?”
Donnie was beginning to think that he might actually be home right now. That he was actually in the med bay, with his sister talking him down. That was… that was so ridiculously unbelievable, but it seemed like the only thing that made sense. And if he was home…
… then maybe they weren’t actually going to die?
He took a moment to grapple with the sheer cliff side reality of that. Breathing through the thin whistle of his bruised throat. Pinches of pain up and down his sides – by his broken ribs, by his slashed shell – because he was rocking back and forth a little. That wasn’t helping the dizziness but it was maybe giving him a slightly better understanding of the feel of warm air and mattress and blankets. The med bay. He was actually home.
“Hey?” April said, leaning in again, more careful this time. “What do you think?”
Ah. If he was home, then maybe it was okay that the room was beginning to ring at a particular crescendo. That the edges of his vision were being slowly eaten in prickling black. He blindly gave April a hand raised in ‘Okay.’
“Yeah?” April prompted.
“April, careful–” Mikey began.
“He won’t hurt me.” April said, sure, and then a soft hand touched his arm. “Right bubs?”
Oh. He was home. All the fight fell from his limbs. And he allowed himself to give up his crushing grip on reality, sinking into the fade, submitting to the tide of unconsciousness.
Notes:
the boys have survived the pd and so have you. next begins the recovery arc.
i'd like to take a moment for a couple notes.
first of all, there has been so much amazing fanart created for this fic, please do give the artists some love. i have them all collected under the firefight au tag on my tumblr here
secondly, a few acknowledgements for the absolutely amazing individuals who have supported me so far during the creation of this fic:
to my friends cheering me on with such enthusiasm especially cass-phoenix, kiaxet, dandy, and everyone else on discord
to sad-leon, for the love and warmth and jaw dropping art, you are such a wonderful friend and i am so lucky to know you
to rbt_lvr, my dear russothy who is the vice president of the firefight fan club, the best damn hype man on the planet, sharing music and gut wrenching ideas together, thank you so much
and of course my bestie like_theletter, beloved L the fanclub president, with whom the entirety of this fic was planned in our dm's, so many plot points and dialogues are directly from L's words, i joke you are my co-creator but it is very true –- this fic would be absolutely nothing without you. i can never thank you enough.
thirdly: thank YOU for reading. this fic is far too much fun for me, and i hope you are enjoying the ride. we still have lots more to come, even as we shift gears a little.
cheers,
rem
Chapter Text
Raph always had to play the ‘where did the twins go’ game growing up. It seemed like every time he took his eyes off them, they had vanished to make potions with shampoo in the bathroom, or stolen all Raph’s stuffed animals as an audience for their karaoke show, or snuck out to the surface for ‘emergency’ slushies.
Of course, in the past, it would lead to two sets of eyes turning to him and offering a handmade potion, the best seat in the house for their show, or an apology in the form of extra slushies for the brothers they left behind. It had never been anything like this.
Not that the circumstances were comparable in the slightest, but Raph had… it was all jumbled up, and he’d thought non-stop about them coming home since he’d lost them. And this homecoming was maybe a bit more than he could handle.
Let alone how they looked – the visible representation of untold horrors written all over them in bruises and cracks and stick-thin wrists – but how they behaved. A Leonardo confined to a broken shell. A Donatello who wore his ninpo like an electric fence against even his own family.
Casey arrived about two minutes after Donnie finally passed out and immediately took charge of the situation, which Raph was pathetically grateful for as he felt quite helpless in the face of so many injuries, let alone what Leo was hiding inside his shell. The very first thing Casey did after washing his hands was dig through the medicine stores and give Donnie both a sedative and a painkiller. Luckily, the purple shocks did not occur again – April had gotten through to him.
Raph could still feel the sharp burning sting of it in his fingertips – aggravating the cracks in his skin from the overuse of his ninpo, nothing compared to Mikey’s fissures – and nothing compared to whatever hell the twins had been through. The pain itself didn’t matter, it the constant reminder that things were not normal. Things were really fucking awful, actually, if Donnie reached the point where he would lash out at first touch.
Draxum showed up about four minutes after Casey, stopping in the doorway and surveying the scene with a very long look. After a moment, Splinter pulled away from Raph and joined the goat at the door.
“You’re crying.” Draxum said, mystified in an awkward but modestly concerned way. “Is Leonardo…?”
It looked pretty bad – the cracked shell cradled in Donnie’s lap, currently being inspected by Casey peeling back the blanket. Raph had thought the exact same thing when he walked in the room earlier, after all.
“He’s alive.” Splinter sniffed inelegantly and swiped at his face again. “Ignore the tears, they’re just a thing that’s happening and I cannot make them stop.”
“Alright.” Draxum said, stiff but rolling up his sleeves. “Where can I help?”
“How steady is your hand?” Casey called over his shoulder.
Draxum joined the apocalypse-built medic as they turned over Donnie to inspect the soft shell that Raph had been trying really hard not to look at.
“Those are –” Draxum began, surprised.
“Shh.” Casey said.
“They’re what?” Mikey asked, voice high.
Raph wondered too, but couldn’t bring himself to speak beyond the lump in his throat. Donnie was becoming more and more boneless as the painkillers kicked in, some of the enormous tension smoothing from his brow and the death grip on Leo’s shell relaxing.
“Can we move Master Leonardo?” Casey asked, business-like and obviously brushing past what Draxum saw on purpose. “We can’t help him until he’s out of his shell, so his priority right now is getting warmed up.”
“Would a heated blanket help?” April asked, already standing.
“If that is a thing that exists, yes.” Casey replied, and it was a little wry.
April clicked her tongue and gave finger guns, already skirting her way out of the room.
“Raphael.” Splinter said, clearing the spare cot and pulling it closer. “Come here.”
Raph obeyed immediately, unsure what his dad needed but willing to do literally anything at this moment if it would be more helpful than watching his world collapse. He climbed up as instructed, and moments later he was handed a blanketed bundle.
“Careful of the cracks.” Casey said, as if Raph even needed to be told. He nodded anyway, assuming the similar position that Donnie had earlier, bracing his legs under and wrapping his big arms around Leo.
Somewhere inside was his little brother. Just the slightest bit too light and still nearly frigid to the touch. April arrived with the heated blanket, arranging and wrapping it in addition to the constellation dotted quilt. The warmth seeped into Raph’s skin, stark and real.
The middle of the room was taken up with Casey and Draxum and Splinter, the three of them muttering over Donnie. After a moment, Mikey joined Raph on the spare cot, pale and anxiously flitting his eyes over the developing scene.
Words being passed back and forth between the three of them made Raph want to cover Mikey’s ears, in some kind of ridiculous desire to protect his baby brother from the horrible reality unfolding before them. Starvation. Neck trauma, strangulation. Puncture wounds, possible infection. The wounds on his shell –
Raph’s eyes narrowed at the pattern of slashes, and he saw what they weren't saying. That was from a sword. Judging by the sharper inhale of April beside him, she did too. Mikey was unaware, chewing on his thumb beside them, and no one made any move to enlighten him.
But the implications drove Raph insane. It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t – there were too many questions and no answers. Just the shattered feeling of shell underneath his hand, destroying the pretty patterns Leo always took so much pride in.
The heated blanket was making him just the wrong side of too-hot, but that was good. That created the first movement Raph felt from inside the shell – a fine tremor. Leo was beginning to shiver.
It was hard to cope with the sight of Casey shining a light down Donnie’s throat, the tell-tale bruises around his neck almost making him sick to his stomach. He just couldn’t cope with his brother being throttled with that sheer amount of intent to harm. What Donnie would’ve been thinking or feeling in that moment. Or that anyone could take the sharp whip intelligence, gaudy purple aesthetic, complete loyalty that contained his little brother and want to – want to –
He genuinely was going to be sick. It was too much to handle and it wasn’t even the beginning of what picture was being painted.
“Does anyone know if Master Leonardo keeps oxygen nearby?” Casey directed his first question towards the audience on the spare cot, a deadly serious young face.
April was quick to get up again, on her feet. “If he doesn’t, I can get you some. Is there anything else you’re going to need?”
“I’ll let you know.” Casey sounded a little overwhelmed. He turned back towards Donnie, carefully inspecting his throat and pressing his fingers gently against the bruises. He talked quietly to Splinter and Draxum about the risks that could come up even hours or days after strangulation – increased vascular pressure, arterial injury, delayed oedema, stroke, irreversible encephalopathy – all words that Raph didn’t know the exact meaning of, and didn’t like what he could guess using context. Even just the grave expression on Casey told him far more than he wanted to know.
Leo must’ve kept oxygen somewhere in the lair, as April showed up with a tank not long as she went searching. Casey accepted it gratefully, untangling a coil of tubing and getting Draxum to hold his head still as he performed nasotracheal intubation – which was threading a tube down his little brother’s nose so whatever air he could get through his damaged throat would have a higher supply of oxygen.
Raph never wanted to have to worry about his baby brother’s oxygen. He never wanted this for them.
Casey explained, using a rather horrifying example of a neck injury he’d helped treat in the apocalypse, that vocal rest was going to be pretty important if he’d fractured his larynx. Then had a short side bar with Splinter about whether or not to use a neck brace, ending up borrowing April’s phone to look it up and not getting a better answer.
“Being able to search things on the internet is such a useful concept.” Casey said, tongue out, tapping away at the little keyboard, using his index fingers to hunt and peck each individual letter. “Except that this has like, twenty different conflicting ideas here. Immobilization causes more issues, if you don’t immobilize they’ll hurt themselves more… most of these are telling me to call 911. Come on dude, in this situation I am 911.”
Oxygen running smoothly, Casey worked on getting an IV inserted and starting Donnie on broad spectrum anti-biotics and anti-inflammatories. As he did that, he instructed Draxum and Splinter to wash their hands and inspect the wound on his left leg.
Splinter didn't make it that far, gripping the cot and turning away. He breathed heavily through his nose. Raph was kind of glad he couldn’t see from the angle he was sitting at. It felt like cowardice not to want to know. But knowing wouldn’t help – there were three very capable people helping right now, and Raph’s job was the warm up his other baby brother shivering in his arms.
He would succeed. He’d been told many times that he was warm like a furnace. He would draw Leo out and – and –
Cross that bridge when he got to it.
“Lou.” Draxum said, voice a little stern and annoyed, but it was a disguised concern when he ordered. “Sit down.”
“I can help.” Splinter did look like he was going to pass out.
“Dad.” Mikey called, reaching his hand out.
Splinter hesitated, but sighed and joined them on the spare cot. April took his place, rolling up her own sleeves at the sink and raising a challenging eyebrow when Draxum glanced at her. He didn’t argue, and her hands were steady when they cleaned the wound together. A shadow fell on her face the longer they worked, but she did not falter.
Splinter stopped watching them work on Donnie and instead lowered himself to the head of Leo’s shell, thumbing at the cracked lip and whispering something that Raph couldn't hear. That he actively tried not to hear, even as snippets of words like ‘you're home’ and ‘safe’ and ‘love you’ floated past.
Donnie’s leg was cleaned and wrapped in stark white bandages. It seemed to contrast how dirty the rest of his skin was, flakes of crusted blood falling on the cot. They splinted it into place as well, apparently a broken ankle underneath all that. Casey had successfully gotten the IV running and pumping Donnie full of necessary drugs, and together the three of them turned Donnie carefully in position to look at his shell.
Raph was pathetically grateful that they did so away from the rest of them. Instead of looking at their faces to see the reactions, he kept his eyes on Donnie. The loose open hand, thin breathing and shut eyes. His fiery passionate brother looked so vulnerable, he’d hate this.
The last ten days had really felt like the worst kind of suspension, the panic of a never-ending waiting room, and he’d almost childishly and naively had assumed that once they got them back, things would start to feel better. But it didn’t feel better, it felt like a brand new kind of worse that he’d never experienced before. Worrying about the twins, wondering what was happening to them – even in his worst imagination, he hadn’t been close to reality. Beyond the intense fear that they would’ve been dead… that shouldn’t have felt like maybe it would’ve been kinder.
He caught the words ‘sweet baby blue’, and ‘please’ from Splinter. Raph glanced to his other side when he realized Mikey hadn’t made a single sound, and he was staring at Donnie, not blinking, not breathing, fingers twisted together in his lap.
“Pops.” Raph found his own voice, in the pricks of blood coming through the compression bandages. “Can you check on Mikey’s hands?”
“They’re fine.” Mikey said, automatic, not looking away.
“Then it won’t matter if I check.” Splinter straightened up, scooting around to settle beside Mikey, peeling off his bandages. The painful cracks were definitely deeper than they were before, and Splinter hissed under his breath.
“Compression and ice.” Draxum chimed in, not looking up from the careful stitching they were putting in the leathery shell. An endless task, the three of them taking turns supporting and stitching and cleaning.
Splinter coaxed Mikey into rewrapping tighter bandages, and letting Splinter arrange ice packs around his hands and wrists.
It felt like the stitches took hours. But really, Raph had no idea. He was existing in the space between heartbeats, listening to the ting of tools against the metal tray, and the overheated sensation of too many blankets. He didn’t dare dislodge any of them. Eventually, the trio got Donnie’s shell wrapped in equally white bandages, and settled him in the recovery position to rest, as they couldn’t lay him on his back.
It was going to be the same for Leo, as soon as he emerged. Raph wasn’t even sure what they could do with the shell, since it wasn’t leathery like Donnie’s. The explosive crack down the middle and fractured to the sides was just so … daunting. Even if it meant hey, at least it wasn’t his spine.
The shivering slowed, just at the point where the other three had stepped away to clean the blood off themselves. Raph felt the shake peter off, and leaned over to mumble, “Leo?” in a hopeful kind of way.
After a pause, movement. Head and limbs into the blankets, and Raph didn’t linger to see, he simply bundled up all the revealed pieces of his brother and unhesitatingly hugged him. Careful gentle giant as he could be, but heart squeezing with relief and fear at once. The glimpse he saw was skin as black and purple as a night sky. He lived in ignorance a moment longer, trying to swallow down the joy at successfully managing to earn back something he thought he’d lost.
“Mmm?” Leo hummed in his ear, vague in a worrying way. Raph pulled back to see his face and it was not pretty. Beyond the split lip, messy blood down his chin, and the obvious bruises that promised fractures underneath – just the distant stare with a pained squint in the light was enough to immediately drop his stomach. Then Leo said, dull, “Am I dead?”
Raph inhaled, and managed through the crush of emotion, “No, buddy, you’re home.”
“Oh.” That statement was completely unreadable and gave Raph absolutely nothing. The incredibly far away pupils, blinking slow and lethargic, barely capable of any gears turning in there.
Raph glanced up, Splinter and Mikey wide eyed and equally overwhelmed beside him. Then a bruised hand raised shakily out of the blankets into his vision and he looked back down.
Leo touched the little chasm between his brows, a bit wondering, a lot vague. He said, “Raph.”
“Hi Leo.” Raph said, throat incredibly sore. He didn’t want to cry, he didn’t feel as if he had the right.
“Hi Leo.” Mikey echoed, leaning in closer, his voice a little desperate.
“Mikey.” Leo acknowledged, and the recognition was definitely an improvement over getting shocked for reaching out.
Except then Leo’s face spasmed, vulnerable and lost, and he pushed up. Voice high in panic, “Where’s Donnie?”
“He’s fine, don’t move.” Raph said, watching as the pain rippled over Leo’s face at the attempt.
“Where is he?” Leo repeated, the wrong edge of frantic.
“Right here.” Raph tipped Leo's head gently to the side, where Donnie was asleep facing them – bandaged and attached to IV’s and machines. “He’s fine. We got him fixed up for you, okay? I know it’s probably not your standards but we did our best.”
Leo didn’t reply. He was staring at his twin with an absolutely unreadable expression on his face, eyes flickering over his figure hungrily, searching, and settling on his face. Staying right there. Then Leo swallowed, and said, “Thank you.”
Raph carefully pulled a corner of blanket away. The sight underneath somehow managed to pierce his over-taxed brain – he’d assumed that there was an upper limit of how much ice-dipped horror he could feel, but apparently not. Mikey’s shuddered breath beside him said much of the same. Splinter began to swipe at his face again.
Despite the fact that it looked as if Leo should’ve been in unbearable pain, he wasn't making a show of it. Raph didn’t even know someone could look that bruised, discoloured — his wrist was at an unnatural angle, there was a long claw mark chipped in the middle of his plastron, both his knees were burst skin and bleeding, and there must’ve been some head wound if Donnie had given up his precious bandana to bandage it. The sight of purple against his skin lurched his stomach, in a weird way. They were taking care of each other in there. It wasn’t enough.
“Hey bud.” Raph was horrified at the rasp in his voice and cleared his throat before continuing. “Do you know where you are?”
“Med bay.” Leo said, not peeling his eyes away from Donnie across from him. “You guys put him on anti-biotics, right?”
“The whole spectrum." Raph replied, with his limited understanding. "Casey Junior took care of him, and from what I understand, you were the one who taught him how to do it. So you can probably trust that he did it right."
A slow, listless blink. Leo didn't waver his attention from the figure across from them in the slightest.
"My son." Splinter said, voice watery. "It is your turn. Can we take a look at your injuries?"
"Donnie's all taken care of?" Leo prompted.
Casey skirted back in, having washed the blood off and returning with clean, gloved hands. "Yes, pulse is stable. His blood pressure is high, but it's gone down since the painkillers kicked in and I got the oxygen going."
"What'd you give?" Leo asked next, the attempt at authority ruined by how vague his voice was.
Casey held the make-shift chart he'd started so Leo could see, a gloss of multi-syllable medication names transcribed in cramped handwriting.
"Okay." Leo nodded, settling back into Raph's hold.
"Are you ready for us to take a look at your injuries?" Casey prompted, when Leo still hadn't answered that question.
"Oh." Leo touched his head, sounding distant. "Alright."
The level of limp compliance was almost sickening. Splinter and Mikey shuffled off the spare cot to give Raph room to lay him down independently, ignoring how the lack of warmth in his arms made everything feel fucking terrible.
And then faced with the reality in front of him. Seeing the crack in his shell and the fingerpaint of endless bruises, it was a miracle that Leo could even form sentences. He looked -- he looked --
Not very alive.
"Talk to me." Casey asked, prepping an IV line briskly. Raph stepped out of the way, instinctively curling his arm around Mikey worming close to his side.
"Concussion." Leo said, after a moment. "That'll be ... that'll be the thing to watch out for. I'm pretty good otherwise, compared to D."
"Leonardo, your shell is cracked into practically four pieces on your back." Casey told him, sharper. "Would you like to reassess?"
"Huh?" Leo's brow furrowed, and he raised his hand, staring at the bruises and the misshapen wrist. "Oh. Yeah. That. Sorry. Concussion, and all."
The helpless screaming in Raph's mind of what happened...
"How's the pain?" Casey tweaked the line, already preparing the needle before he'd even waited for an answer.
"Not sure." Leo replied. "Don't give me a sedative."
"Sorry, you want to be conscious for the part where I'm gonna drill holes in your shell?" Casey prompted.
"Yup." Leo tiredly popped his lips. The casualness in his voice was really increasing Raph's desire to burst into tears. Mikey squeezed his hold tighter, quiet. Like watching a trainwreck together.
"Can I give you a painkiller at least or will that ruin this whole self-destructive vibe you've got going on?"
Leo snorted, and gave a crooked smile. "Yeah, that's fine. I just don't want to go to sleep yet."
A small amount of the tension faded. Evicted from the cot, Raph tugged Mikey back over to the chairs, settling his baby brother in his lap to hold onto like a teddy bear.
It was probably actually good that Leo stayed awake, because his slurred voice talked them through his entire check up. The clinical report of his concussion symptoms — disorientation, a period of memory loss, vomiting, dizziness, light sensitivity, pupil dilation — all said while keeping his eyes on the loose open hand of Donnie across from him.
Draxum returned, face doing funny things when he saw Leo was awake, like he wasn’t sure how to react.
“Oh good, Draxum’s here.” Leo said, and it was tiredly sarcastic.
“Leonardo.” Draxum acknowledged.
“He’s awake—“ April pushed back him and then stopped in her tracks, eyes huge.
A jokey smile lined with exhaustion. “I look that good, hey Apes? It’s my new foundation.”
“You might want to try a new moisturizer.” April said, struggling audibly but not breaking in the face of her shattered little brother.
“Good call.” Leo returned to his intent stare across the room.
It was quite a show — the devastating reality that Leo felt the need to do a performance for them when he was the one in pain — that Leo was all about making this experience easier for their sake. Even with his foggy eyes and delayed flinch when Casey took his wrist, immediately gifting a reassuring look to the kid.
A reassuring smile on a corpse.
Casey directed the play of treatment. Draxum and April on stitching up his head wound, while Casey set his wrist. Raph felt like the most haunting part of all was that despite the sickening crack that filled every corner of the med bay, Leo didn’t even flinch. He looked entirely zoned out, as Draxum threaded and tugged on a gruesome wound on his crown. The goat made an idle comment about how it looked older and reopened.
Raph wasn’t sure if he wanted the timeline of how the injuries stacked on his failure at being quick enough to save them. It was all just too much right now.
Casey splinted the wrist, saying that he’d cast it later when the swelling went down. He cleaned the blood from his split lip and knees, giving his mouth a couple stitches and his knees a wrap of bandages. He checked and found more broken bones hiding under all those bruises — three ribs, his collarbone, a crack in his orbital socket, and at least two fingers and two toes.
The purple bandana was set aside and new clean bandages held Leo’s skull in place. They started to turn him over in order to inspect his shell, and despite the fact that Raph had thought he was totally zoned out Leo said, “Stop.”
“Does it hurt?” Casey inquired immediately, brisk.
“No, well -- no. I just. The other side, okay?"
Raph immediately understood. Casey had tried to turn Leo to face the wall instead of Donnie.
"Alright." Casey agreed, and carefully shifted him over to reach his shell from the other side of the cot.
Leo stayed still and unmoving, cheek pressed into his arm staring at his twin as the three cleaned the mess back there, drilled hooks into his shell and twined the edges together with wire. Mikey hid his face in Raph's arm at how hard Draxum had to pull it taunt. Splinter made a weak, wounded sound in the back of his throat.
The colour drained out of Leo's face and he went limp.
"Finally." Casey muttered, and immediately crossed back over to the other side to arrange Leo into a more comfortable position. "Just as stubborn as he will be twenty years from now. Cracked into tiny pieces and he's still making jokes."
Leo wasn't conscious for the rest of the process, and Casey wrapped his shell in thick swaths of bandages. Then he splinted his fingers and toes together to help with the more minor breaks, checking his breathing from the broken ribs and immobilizing the arm with the broken collarbone -- his left, the same as the splinted wrist.
And just like that, the insurmountable task of dealing with the sheer number of injuries was done. Casey collapsed in a chair, hand over his face, and shuddered through an overwhelmed breath.
Splinter approached and gave him a gentle hug. He whispered, "Thank you so much."
"Of course." Casey said, almost reflexively. A sad smile raised up into stark medical lights. "I'm just glad I could help. There's still a lot up in the air -- both are practically begging for an infection, if Donnie doesn't have one already. But that's a lot of their immediate problems addressed."
"You are a gift to our family." Splinter proclaimed, giving a squeeze. "Please take care of yourself now, young man."
"Sir yes sir." Casey's sad smile went wry. "Do y'all mind if I crash on your couch?"
"Nah, come on. You take Leo's room, I'll take Donnie's." April offered.
"Sure." Casey pat Splinter's hand to let go and stood up. "I'm gonna grab a nap, but I'll check on them in a couple hours. Come get me if something changes."
Splinter nodded.
Draxum pulled Mikey aside to inspect his hands. Raph watched the breathing cycle of two people he loved more than anything that he never thought he'd see again. All of the rushing overwhelm of treating their injuries made it feel up in the air, but it was stillness now. It was quiet now.
Then Raph stood up, because he knew his brothers, and he knew that the position they had was just asking whichever twin woke up first to hurt themselves. He gently arranged the IV pole so it wouldn't pull when he moved the cot, and rolled the beds closer together. If they reached out, they could touch.
They'd had very little possessions on them -- beyond the sword that was still on the floor of the dojo, the two had lost most of their gear. The only thing left was the purple bandana discarded on the floor in favour of real bandages.
Raph picked up the dirty and blood stained thing, feeling cold all over. And even more so when he realized there was something tucked inside for safe-keeping. Folded twice, a small photograph.
He stared for a long, uncomprehending moment, then tucked it away into his pocket.
"It is very late, Raphael." Splinter said, coming closer.
There was no way he was walking away now. He shook his head, unable to voice further.
"I understand." Splinter allowed, not fighting him. "I will stay with you."
Raph didn't argue. They pulled chairs up to Leo's side -- mostly because Raph didn't want to crowd Donnie if he woke in that snapping mode again.
The shock was strong and thick. None of this felt real. How sorely he wanted it to be real fighting viciously in his mental parking lot with how much he didn't want this to be real. He didn't want to imagine hands around his little brother's throat. And he didn't want to see more bruise than skin and hear the kind of jokes Leo would make at his own funeral.
It was fine. No, it was fine. Neither of them were dead. It felt overwhelming now, but it was just the start. There was so much more to go, and they would do it, because they were Hamato.
But still. When Splinter offered his hand, Raph took it and didn't let go. He asked, "You okay, Pops?"
"I am undecided." Splinter replied.
"Me too." Raph said, quiet.
A squeeze of their hold. The twins breathed in sync beside them. The recovery position had both of them facing each other, curved in parallel. Recovery seemed so far away, looking at these broken twins spat back out from hell. There was so far to go. The mountain of it seemed impossible to climb.
Mikey tried to come back, but Splinter got up and ushered him to bed instead. The youngest went under duress, and Raph stayed an unmoving statue. Only when he was alone with two unconscious little brothers did he pull back out the photograph and look at it again.
His family, frozen smiles in time, arms around each other in love. Each face grinning up at him.
Except for Leo's, scratched out and leaving a gaping hole.
Chapter 19
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Awareness crept in slow. A trip-heart beat of panic, because Donnie was fairly sure he was supposed to have been on watch and fell asleep again. Leo could be dead in his arms now.
Except it didn’t feel right. There was no hard reassuring wall of the cave at his back, and no weight in his arms. He struggled to remember what happened most recently, if he had been on watch and failed, if they’d changed locations again, if Leo had left while he was asleep —
Then a squeeze. Fingers curled around his, breaking through the growing cotton panic. He’d knew that grip better than his own. Leo was here and he was awake, watching.
Momentary relief. A fragmented moment that everything was okay, because his twin was here.
And it changed again, as confusion settled and took hold, because nothing felt right. It wasn't right -- he was off the ground, he felt restrained and tangled, and worst of all disorientated and woozy, like he might throw up. Water was too precious to be puking. And wait, hold on, the pain that had been more of a constant companion than even Leo was weird and there-but-not-there. Like he was looking at his reflection in rippled water. And that made less sense, because how did he have less pain not more? The trajectory was only upwards and they both knew it. The only trajectory was getting closer to death, not further away.
Leo squeezed his hand again, coaxing. Donnie fought to the surface of the murky waters of his thoughts, trying to parse out the barrage of inputs.
A trickle in his throat, that hurt in an abstract way, the muscles spasming hard when he swallowed. A moment it took to realize that it was the tube threaded down his nose and likely providing oxygen. Hold on, actually hold on for real. How the hell did Leo get --
Oh.
A butterfly wing flutter of light in darkness. Being drawn from hell to the spring back of a dojo floor. And Donnie staring at April with the tears in her eyes and thinking maybe he was home. Maybe they made it home.
This evidence further supported the claim. Not even Leon could produce an oxygen tank in hell.
Did that mean they had treated Leo as well? They must've, but for some reason trust wasn't enough, he needed to see. Donnie fought the crust sticking his eyelashes together and braved the light.
It actually wasn't that bright, someone had turned down the med bay overheads and left just the side table lamps. It bathed the room in yellow-white warmth.
Donnie was carefully on his side, keeping the pressure off his bandaged shell, the arm outstretched in front with an IV line sticking out of his wrist. His fingers were wrapped in Leo's, who was beside him, reaching over the small gap between their cots.
By the time Donnie's eyes found Leo's face, his twin was already smiling back at him. Leo whispered, "Hey. Don't talk, okay?"
Another failure at swallowing told him exactly why that would be a bad idea. The tumble of knives down each individual muscle it took to move his trachea. Instead he drank in the sight of his brother with the clean bandages on his head, much more effective than Donnie's scared attempt.
Trailing down, more bandages. A large amount on the arm Donnie wasn't holding and his shell. Every inch of skin that was not bandaged was bruised, though it wasn't obvious by looking at Leo's expression. It was a picture-perfect reassurance.
Donnie didn't buy it for a second, he'd witnessed far too much to think that Leo was actually okay right now. He turned his gaze around, looking for the audience, and there they were.
Raph was asleep in the chair. Head tipped back, snoring quietly. Beside him was Mikey, who was awake and watching.
It was illogical that Donnie's skin crawled at the sensation, because he missed his brothers so much. It was just right now he couldn't actually feel that, he could just feel some unwanted tumbling emotion take over everything else. Even his desired joy at finally being home and safe was ruined by the unnamed ball of feelings bulldozing over his mental state.
"Mikey said you had struggled a little when you got here, do you know where you are now?" Leo prompted, still hushed-quiet.
Donnie managed with all his will power to raise a single eyebrow and communicate without a word, how do you expect me to answer when you told me not to talk?
"You can still sign." Leo pointed out, the corner of his mouth twigging a little. Helplessly amused.
Donnie could sign in theory. Unfortunately, that would require letting go of Leo's hand. And honestly, he didn't think he could do that right now. Or possibly ever again.
Using his free hand, he finger-spelled, 'Home.'
"Yeah, we're home." Leo squeezed where they were connected. And whatever emotions were rocketing around inside Donnie, he could hear them inside Leo too, underneath the shade of reassurance he was using like an umbrella. He wasn't alone in this.
Footsteps. Donnie flinched and curled closer to Leo.
"Sorry." Mikey said, in a heartbroken little voice, stopping in his tracks.
"You're fine, Angelo." Leo looked up over Donnie's shoulder and beamed his calculated expression right at this baby brother. "D's just got his back to you, so you startled him. You're okay to come over if you like."
The worst part was that no, actually, Mikey wasn't okay to come over. Donnie wanted to stay in this little bubble and not cope with other people right now. He wanted to cling to the sensation that he missed them, but it was ephemeral. He couldn't hold onto the river, it slid between his fingers.
"Alright." Mikey's voice held skepticism, but their baby brother wanted to be included and hopped onto the edge of Leo's bed, careful of injuries and looking for the safest place to land.
"Hi Donnie." Mikey said. "You're not gonna shock me this time, right?"
Donnie might, actually, if anyone tried to touch him. Well, anyone who wasn't Leo, obviously. He kept his gaze wary to communicate that.
Disappointment visibly fractured down Mikey's figure, and that -- that was understandable. Even more so than Leo, Mikey had always earned baby brother privileges over the rest of them to hug Donnie even at his most prickly.
"Okay, well, um, I just wanted to say that we're really, really glad you're both home, and if you need anything please let us know." Mikey fidgeted with his own bandaged hands. Actually, why were they bandaged? When he left them on Staten Island, they weren't too bad off, and certainly nothing like the cracked skin he could see peeking out the edge.
Donnie tapped his finger on Leo's for his attention, and then flicked his gaze to Mikey's hands in show.
Leo followed the gaze and said, "I'm not the only one who can open portals, apparently."
"Oh... yeah." Mikey crossed his arms over his chest, the misery absolute on his face. "It's fine. How'd you manage to open the portal on your side? Leo said he didn't know."
Donnie had no idea how to explain it, because he didn't understand it himself. And wasn't that just hilarious? He blinked a couple times then shook his head -- only to wince and shut his eyes, a slow shuddered breath through the immediate pain that erupted.
"Try not to move your head, D." Leo muttered.
Donnie cracked open one eye and sent a look that clearly said, wow, thanks, hadn't thought of that. Slash sarcasm.
An apologetic squeeze of his hand. Donnie breathed carefully and slow through the pain. When he finally uncurled from his full body wince, Mikey was watching with the most crushed expression of all time.
Okay. Alright. Home. His brothers. Donnie needed to start coping with this a little bit, because it was only going to keep happening. As much as he wanted to rock back and forth in the corner, his body was not going to allow that. So he had to use his brain. He had so much amazing brain, he could do this. Only needed to stop thinking about his imminent death and start thinking about his only baby brother looking devastated. Something that Mikey could do to help him feel better.
Donnie used his only free hand to spell, 'Burger.'
Sick amusement passed over Leo. Mikey's brow pinched and he said, "Casey Junior said you guys gotta start on easier stuff than that."
"He doesn't actually want a burger." Leo explained, rolling his eyes and tipping his lazy smile towards Mikey. "He's asking for food, though. Do you wanna make us something?"
"Absolutely I do." Mikey nodded quick and enthusiastic. "What are we thinking? I could probably whip up a nice soup, maybe some fresh bread."
"Soup sounds perfect, Miguel." Leo opened his arm and accepted the hug that Mikey gave him -- though it was not nearly the glomp he was capable of. Incredibly delicate in respect for the bruises.
Leo didn't even seem to notice his injuries, wrangling Mikey to kiss the top of his head. "Thank you."
"Of course." Mikey breathed, and squished his cheek against Leo's plastron. Half-lidded eyes stared at Donnie, and he said, "I love you both. So much."
"We love you too." Leo answered, giving another few smothering kisses. "Don't wake on the bear though."
The bear in question snored from his side of the room. Seemingly no interest in waking.
"I won't, he's really tired." Mikey promised, and let go. "I'll be back with something that's gonna taste so so good, I promise."
"I have complete faith in you." Leo pronounced.
Mikey beamed, placated, and left without waking the bear. Functionally leaving the twins alone. The moment they were, all the ease and lazy care melted away -- revealing how it was a near lunatic-calm, pin-pricked pupils and Leo shuffling to get the IV pole keeping their beds separated out of the way, fighting the locked wheels and dragging them closer. The space between them destroyed, Leo climbed close enough to hug Donnie. And he did, with everything his weak and bruised arms had.
Donnie hugged back. Careful of the shell, and shuddering through the immediate panic that sprouted for absolutely no reason. Heart racing, hands shaking, and --
It was okay. Leo was there. He held onto him, shaking just as hard.
"How the hell did we get away?" Leo breathed in his ear, that tone of voice nearly insane, crisp and stark. "What did you do?"
Donnie had no possible way to answer him, clutched tighter, fingers curling.
"Did he --" Leo's breath hitched, hard. "Did he touch you again? After I --?"
It was interesting that he cut himself off, as Donnie had been real curious how Leo was conceptualizing what happened in his head. And yeah, maybe along with all the other writhing mass of emotions there was still this horrible unnecessary and mean anger at Leo for begging in the first place. It wasn't fair. He felt it so strong it was corrosive acid and wasp stingers.
"No." Donnie croaked, because he hadn't. Prime had kicked the shit out of his purple bubble, and scared them both half to death running along the top of the ship after they'd gotten away -- but from the moment Leo begged for Prime to hurt him, Donnie had been safe from his hand.
"Shh." Leo immediately hushed, but it was weak with relief. "I told you don't talk, genius."
Donnie dug his chin into Leo's shoulder, a silent how the fuck am I supposed to answer your questions then if you keep hugging me.
"Oh, do you want me to let go?" Leo asked, and it was a joke, because obviously he didn't.
Donnie didn't take the chance that it wasn't a joke and held on tighter. Leo oofed, in actual pain, but kept him close regardless.
All the waving nerves stopped their riot. His heart calmed. The world stopped ending for the thousandth time. Leo was still alive. They were home. They were safe. And Leo was still alive.
Truly the biggest miracle of them all, something that Donnie didn't have the power to articulate right now. The thick weights of exhaustion pulled him down before the metaphorical burger even arrived.
Sleep was immeasurably thick when he was roused, face numb, and clasping Leo's hands before he'd even surfaced.
"You're fine, we've got Casey here for the painkillers and Mikey here for the soup." Leo informed him, voice returned to his only slightly concussion-hazed showmanship, tugging gently. "Come on, you'll feel better after you eat. Maybe a bit less snappish."
Just to prove him right, Donnie clicked his teeth shut sharp and loud.
"Badass motherfucker, I know, I know." Leo agreed. "However it's chicken and rice soup, so."
Damn. That sounded good. Oh, it would be so perfect with a tomato sandwich. Donnie was so hungry that he'd forgotten what it felt like to not be hungry, all the constant daydreams of stupid food right at the forefront.
Except maybe he could open his eyes and actually eat right now. That was good motivation.
No tomato sandwich, which was a shame because toasted bread with melted butter, crisp bacon and a dash of salt would be so fucking good. But the hot broth smelt salty enough with added basil and pepper. For a first meal back from hell, it definitely could've moved Donnie to tears if he had any amount of emotional capacity at the moment that wasn't 'needless anger' or 'endless confusion'.
Though now that he had his eyes on the bowl, that nausea sat at the back of his throat. Maybe it was the painkillers, or maybe it was that fun autistic thing where if he got too hungry it turned his stomach. Either way, the miracle of that soup was not quite the easy meal it should've been.
Leo was sitting up, braced on both sides by pillows. He helped Donnie remove the tube threaded down his nose, which was a solid zero out of ten experience. They switched for a nose cranula, a far more gentle blow of oxygen, though it definitely didn't seem to have the same reach. Then Leo stayed close enough with their cots shoved together that they intersected close contact at their knees and hips and shoulders.
Mikey arranged a tray with the soup in front of them. Casey fiddled with their IV's, showing Leo the little bottles and his handwritten charts as he worked.
Donnie stared down the soup. He'd asked for this burger, he wanted it more than anything, but the idea of eating made him sick. He picked up the spoon and ladled a little. It smelt so good. He couldn't stand it.
"It's cool enough to have now, Donnie." Mikey said, unbearably nervous to speak to him in a way that never should've happened. Feeling bad about getting to that point was something that could not be added to the mountain of feelings.
It was hard, really. The 'I thought we were going to die' feeling just took up so much space. And it didn't want to move.
Casey skirted out of the way again, leaving the showdown between him and soup. Donnie took a sip, then immediately set the spoon down and stimmed his hands hard. The physical sensation of the salt in his mouth wasn't bad it just also wasn't good. It was overwhelming and too much and --
"You're okay, you're okay." Leo promised, arm threading carefully around his shoulders and squeezing hard. "It's fine. Keep breathing slow, don't hurt your throat okay?"
The violent twitches of his hands died down. Donnie's face flamed with heat, something between upset and embarrassed. But it wasn't as if Mikey had never seen him have a little mini meltdown. It was just right now he felt so dissected so watched and -- it was hard.
The salty broth blazed a path down his sore throat. It hit the empty pit of his stomach and woke hunger with vengeance. He picked up the spoon again and took another mouthful, saliva flooding and stomach clenching. The taste lingered on his tongue, sweeping away days of grime and blood and unbrushed teeth. He got some rice and the soft chew of it was wonderful. Nevermind, this was great. Donnie ate more, feeling like he'd won the lottery over a bowl of soup.
And when he glanced up, Leo was looking at him, that absolutely horrible ravenous expression. That he shaded away and smiled his fakest smile. "It's good, hey? Mike made it fresh."
Donnie glanced over to his baby brother, who was watching all hurting and anticipatory. So after a second of thought of what Leo was trying to get him to do, he signed, 'Thank you.'
Right answer. Both Leo and Mikey looked pleased with him. Donnie leaned over and swallowed a bit more.
The tiny fist of his stomach filled too-quick. Donnie barely touched the chicken, but enjoyed the broth and rice he'd managed. He set the spoon down and gave Leo his absolute most withering gaze, already knowing the battle he was about to fight.
"Don't look at me like that." Leo said, and some of his concussion slur came out in the twist of his words, the near-whine. "I know, I know, it's my turn. Scoot it closer."
Mikey was quick to assist shifting the tray over, and Leo obligingly lifted the spoon to his mouth.
It was a great show. Really, perfectly calculating, the tip of the spoon, a shaky hand lowering back down to the bowl. If Donnie hadn't activated every braincell he had left looking for the play, he might've missed that the spoon was lowered exactly as full when it went up, or that with the stitches in his split lip there was no way if he'd actually been trying to eat, that he wouldn't have dribbled broth on himself.
He allowed Leo two more fake-outs, the rage bubbling under the surface, before he snapped his fingers repeatedly in front of Leo's face.
"What?" Leo said, startled. He'd thought he was winning. He was a fool if Donnie was going to fall for this bullshit.
'Do not play this game with me right now.' Donnie signed, sharp and angry.
Caught-understanding flashed, and Leo said, "I'm not."
Lying brother who lies. Donnie tapped an irritated hand to his mouth, 'Eat.'
"Get off my dick." Leo muttered, and hunched his shoulders as he took another spoonful to his mouth like a kicked dog. This time, there was a dribble of broth from his split lip and a wince as it obviously filled that wound with salt.
Mikey looked caught off guard and confused, flickering between the twins. He was twisting his fingers together, pulling on them anxiously. It couldn't have been good for the cracked skin. Donnie had an instinct to stop him -- that his worry over them shouldn't be causing them more pain.
It took a little more bravery than interacting with his own brother should've needed, but Donnie reached out and folded his fingers over Mikey's. Squeezing for him to stop.
"Sorry." Mikey said, almost automatic, cheeks flushing. But something relieved flickered in his eyes when he looked back at Donnie. It didn't last long, because when Mikey tried to turn his fingers to squeeze back, Donnie ruined the moment by yanking his hand away like it burnt.
He didn't dare look at Mikey's face, to see the bite of rejection and exclusion, he couldn't take it. Instead he focused on the slight tremble of Leo's hand as he raised another spoonful to his mouth, tracking that some actually made it inside his body. Whatever stupid reasoning Leo had for the denial made even less sense in the safety of their home.
Although. It wasn't as if Donnie could blame Leo for still feeling like it was a do-or-die, that the low-level hum hung in the air and the grit clung to them. That he needed to keep making the same kinds of decisions, as if this was a dim cave instead of the warmly lit med bay. It was obviously the same for Donnie.
Being awake was hard, the pull of drugs that Casey had redistributed fuzzing the atmosphere around the edges. But Donnie didn't submit yet, a silent standoff with his twin to finish the soup.
Leo set the spoon down after sipping achingly slow for ages, and said, "Thank you, Mikes. It tasted great."
There was still more in the bowl. But if Leo's stomach was half as small as Donnie's, it made sense. Mikey's wavering smile didn't argue the half-empty bowl, and took it away. "Of course, you guys. Anything you want, I'm here."
Just as Raph began to stir, Donnie laid down again, the exhaustion yanking too hard and tight. It was convenient so that Donnie didn't have to interact as he was going back to sleep. Unable to lie on his back, he curled into Leo who stayed sitting up against the pillow. A hand carefully laid on his shell, encouraging his rest with a gentle rub of his thumb.
"How are you guys feeling?" Raph tugged his chair closer, clearing the sleep out of his voice.
Donnie kept his eyes closed, even as the sound of increased proximity made him flinch. Leo's hand tapped a quick 'OK' in morse code on his shell. He didn't give an indication of the non-verbal reply.
"We're hanging out." Leo's voice said concurrently, a performance cultivated perfectly. The way his words were barely slurred so carefully tucked away. "I'm glad you got some rest, big guy. Has anyone looked at your hands?"
Raph's hands? Donnie fought the urge to turn around, playing like he was Definitely Going To Sleep with all his might. But a niggling curiosity remained.
"They're better than Mikey's." Raph dismissed immediately.
"Is that how that works?" Leo asked, fake-lightly.
"Compression and ice." Mikey chimed in. "Then Barry just got a recipe for a really good salve that'll help with the burning, he said he'd bring it next time."
"Alright, alright." Raph agreed gruffly. "Mikey got you guys some food?"
"Yup." Leo popped his lips. He sounded tired, threaded underneath.
"Why was Donnie arguing with you about eating?" Mikey asked, confused.
Donnie fought hard not to tense. Leo must've felt it anyway, because his fingers tapped back and forth on his shell, quick. Reassuring, but subtle.
"He just wanted to make sure I was eating enough." Leo deflected with his easy tone of voice. Not getting to the real problem at all. "Food was a bit scarce for us."
A bitter understatement.
"Oh." Mikey sounded that same painful crushed. "Um. Okay. Can I ask another question?"
"You can ask." Leo remained the same, even as Donnie immediately felt his own brain sprint ahead with a hundred different worse case scenarios of what Mikey might ask.
"Why didn't you answer when we called the first time?"
A beat of surprised silence. Leo admitted, slower, "I'll be honest with you, bud. I don't even know how we answered at all. Last I remember the sword was broken."
"You haven't seen?" Raph asked.
"Seen what?"
Donnie felt oddly shy. He wished that he was asleep, unsure why he cared if Leo saw what Donnie had done to his sword.
"Hold on a second, it's easier to show you." Mikey's socked footsteps padded away, returning just a few moments later. A slide of metal and something placed on the foot of their combined cots.
Donnie knew exactly what they were looking at, the familiar sight of Leo's sword -- strapped to his back or juggled in his hands for years. Except now fissures just like the crack in his shell were healed with darkened purple ninpo.
"How..." Leo breathed, letting go of Donnie to lean over and pick up the sword for a closer inspection.
"It must've been Donnie, right? It's purple." Mikey extrapolated correctly.
"Yeah, must've been." There was something in Leo's voice that it took Donnie a moment to uncomfortably place as awe. As if he earned that, when he hadn't been capable of stopping the crack in his shell in the first place.
The sword was handed back. Leo settled down, hand on Donnie's shell, quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry we didn't answer the first time you called, I didn't get the chance to tell Donnie about our conversation. I hope it didn't scare you."
The returning silence told Donnie, even without any facial expressions, that it did scare them. He tried not to focus on that and instead wondered how the hell they had a conversation? That was still a missing piece in his puzzle of the rescue. But not curious enough to give up his position of not having to interact because he was 'asleep'.
"It's okay." Mikey said, when it obviously wasn't, with an awkward shuffle.
Donnie embraced the drag of painkillers, letting their conversation go foggy and distant until sleep was no longer a pretend game.
The dreams were of a pink face and hands around his throat. Dream logic gave Prime about fifteen fingers to strangle him with. Then he woke coughing, an explosion of copper in the back of his throat, blood on his tongue. Trying to cobble together a breath of air from the sudden lack of it, a burst of panic.
Whether the coughing was from the dream or the dream was from the coughing, it was impossible to tell. Pinching together gasps of air as the world swum in starbursts.
"Slow down, slow down, you're gonna crack another rib if you're not careful." Leo in his ear, trying to sound coaxing and it was all ruined with the undisguised worry. "He's fine, give him some space, he's got it."
Donnie wasn't entirely sure that he 'got it', but also if anyone other than Leo was going to try to help right now he might explode. So probably for the best.
He fought with the urge to cough harder, like it might clear his throat. But there probably wasn't actually anything there -- maybe it was the inflammation on either side of his throat, closing his throat long after the danger passed --
No. No. He was fine. He could still breathe and pull air. It was all in his head. Prime didn't still have hands around his throat. Leo was doing big, exaggerated slow breaths beside him. As if Donnie could forget how to breathe. It was annoying that following along helped. He hated it when Leo was right about stuff that made no sense.
"Yeah, that's great, thank you." Leo accepted something over his head. "Cold water bottle right here, D. Want a sip?"
Urgh. Donnie should not have been so used to the taste of blood in his mouth. He gratefully pulled away from where he'd been hiding in Leo's side tangled in the blanket and accepted the condensation covered bottle. His hand shook too much to raise to his mouth, but Leo's hand was right there steadying it. A blissful trail of cool water down the misery of his throat set some of the tension out of his shoulders.
"Good." Leo said, and Donnie had enough brainpower to elbow him for being so sickeningly praiseful for something as stupid as drinking water. It oofed a laugh from Leo, sparkling and warm and fake, and he said, "Yeah, yeah. Suck it up, you get the medic bedside manner when you're hurt. How's it feeling right now?"
Donnie infused his signed response with as much sarcasm as he could muster, 'Awesome.'
Leo rolled his eyes, and insisted that he take another sip of the water bottle, guiding their hands up to his mouth. It felt amazing, filtered water. What luxury.
Then he remembered that it must've been handed to him from someone, and his hackles rose again, nervous to turn and see who was watching. That shitty, shitty feeling of hating himself for being so on guard around their family only contributed to the misery. He didn't want to feel this way and felt only additionally awful that he did.
He turned, and it was April. She was on her phone, not looking at them, reclined in the chair. When Donnie moved, she met his eye, and said, "I kicked the bozos out, they were hovering too much. Casey Junior just texted and said we gotta give meds now though, and as much as I love the patient playing healer I'm gonna have to draw the line at him administering his own medication."
"Aw, come on April, don't you trust me?" Leo fluttered his eyelashes at her.
"Nope." April popped her 'p' in the same way Leo always did. "Babe, you have been squinting at that light for ages, I know you're concussed. We also don't let the concussed administer their own meds."
"The concussion is old now." Leo dismissed, flapping a hand.
April got up and began sorting through the collection of medication bottles while simultaneously reading instructions from text messages on her phone. "Oh, totally, and then you gave yourself a second one shortly after. And Casey said it's worse when you have them close together, so stop trying to play like you're fine. No one's buying it."
"How'd you know that?" Leo complained, and some of the composure fell, turning his head away from the lamp beside them and squinting fully.
April gave a grimly triumphant smile. "I didn't. You just confirmed."
"Aw, fuck off April." Leo groaned, and put his head in his hands.
Donnie pat his shoulder sympathetically. Played by their big sister once again. Donnie hadn't known whether or not Leo had re-concussed himself after the first injury, but with what happened... it sure wasn't surprising.
April gave a low chuckle and approached with the needle she'd prepared. "I'll take that for the compliment it is. Draxum said that you're head injury was older but reopened so we had our suspicions. Now hold still, you need to rest to recover."
"I am resting, I literally haven't moved." Leo gestured hugely, flapping his hands at the combined cots they were living on. Then a flash of panic, "Hey, hey, don't give me a sedative, is that what's in there?"
"Hamato Leonardo you have slept like two hours in the last twenty-four with what is apparently a double concussion." April stamped her foot. "Shut up and sleep."
"I--" Leo started, then cut himself off.
Donnie knew the problem. He tapped Leo's arm and waited him to turn his attention. Then Donnie signed, 'I'm awake now.'
Leo bit his lip. He flickered his gaze to April, and whispered low, "Are you sure?"
Donnie nodded his fist. He could stay awake for a while.
"Let me check what dosage Casey ordered." Leo turned and held his hand out for the phone. He squinted at the brightness, but begrudgingly allowed April to inject the meds into his IV line. Donnie tugged him to lie down, then pulled himself up.
"You could keep sleeping, Donnie." April suggested. "That coughing sounded nasty."
Donnie tapped his fingers together to say 'no' and let Leo hug him around the middle, adjusting the thick blanket to cover more of him. Waiting for the boneless turn into his side, snuffling and submitting.
April looked away, after a long moment. And Donnie settled in for his watch.
Notes:
updates will continue to be further apart for a bit as i am going away. i will be without my computer so comment replies are paused but i appreciate you all so much!!!
Chapter 20
Notes:
still away!!! i set this up before i left LMAO
Chapter Text
April stayed quiet in respect for the sleeping Leo. Donnie was glad she knew how precarious his rest was, even under sedatives. The last thing they needed was breaking the spell when they’d just finally gotten him to concede.
Donnie wished he could say that he was having some genius thoughts while guarding his twin's sleep, but the reality was more like a fog horn of anxiety and battering emotions.
A while later April gave a soft whistle for his attention, then signed from her chair across the room, ‘Do you need anything, boo?’
Donnie tapped his fingers together in negative before he’d even thought about the answer longer than two seconds.
‘Your phone?’ April asked.
And. Huh. Right. It was almost funny, that he’d gone cold turkey on technology and hadn’t even noticed the absence. He'd managed to find the thing that actually beat his phone in priorities. A stupid ass blue twin.
The weirdest part was that the world continued on here without them -- that April was going to hand him his phone and it would have ten days worth of notifications. It daunted him in a way he didn't like, some kind of unspoken pressure. He agreed to his phone, but when April handed it to him, he put it on the bedside table and didn't look at it.
April watched him, but didn't comment. Instead she returned to her own phone, typing intently.
He focused on breathing, slow and careful. He didn't want to cough again -- not because it hurt, though it did, but because he'd never forgive himself if he woke Leo up after he finally went to sleep. He stared at the opposite wall, mind running through scenarios and discarding them as quickly as they came. There was no rhyme or reason to the direction of his thoughts, just a screaming endless stream.
Was there more he should've done for Leo with the apparent second concussion? In hindsight, it was fairly obvious, but they'd been injured and cold and there were bigger problems. Even if he'd thought to check his pupils or whatever, it's not like he had any capability to help.
He was still wondering incessantly about how the hell Leo managed to communicate his sword plan with the home team. It finally inspired him to pick up his phone, after a couple hours of sitting in silence with April. He suspected that she'd texted the others to stay away and lacked the energy to hack into her phone to find out for sure. Just as long as no one came in and woke the sleeping turtle, no one would have to die.
As suspected, there was about seven hundred notifications. All his social media pings, discord messages from various servers he participated in, a large collection of mostly useless emails, top news flags, updates from his tech communicating with his system, and the live feed of security alerts. Immediately overwhelming, as he suspected, and he cleared them all without reading a single one of them.
Instead he navigated to his text message string with April. The last message sent was from before the invasion. She'd said, 'Hey Donnie, wanna hear some hot tea?' and he'd called her immediately to get the scoop on the rich boy in her bio class that was making her insane.
Donnie hovered over the message line, not really actually wanting to have a conversation right now. But also practically itching with curiosity to understand how the hell the last couple days went down, because it made no sense to him and he hated it.
Donnie: Can I ask you a question?
He had hoped April had thought far enough ahead to put her phone on vibrate, and was glad when no sound pinged when the message went through. Of course she had. He didn't even know why he was doubting her. What was wrong with him?
April: You can ask me a thousand.
If things were normal, he would immediately open up his statistics page with an input for 'questions to April' with a flag marker for a thousand, specifically so he could tell her when they'd reached the quota. To be a smart ass with an incredibly long pay off.
However things weren't normal. Instead he chewed on the corner of his thumb, thinking of the best way to ask.
Donnie: I was not with Leo for a period of time. How did he manage to communicate his plan to use the swords with you here?
That seemed the safest bet. Explains why he didn't know, without having to get into the gory details. And asked the question that was bugging the hell out of him.
April's leg was jiggling, as she typed out her response. The silence of the room seemed very loud, beyond Leo's snuffles.
April: I wasn't with the boys when they did it either, but the three of them reached out to Leo using that Hamato mind meld thing. Mikey managed to get a connection and they made a plan using the swords.
Oh, of course it was a mind meld, the one thing Donnie wouldn't have ever thought to consider. How annoying.
April texted again.
April: Can I ask you a question in return?
If things were normal, he'd tell April she could ask a million questions. The cracked feeling of Leo's shell under his hand told him things were definitely not normal. Instead, he stole Leo's line.
Donnie: You can ask.
Her leg jiggling got more intense. She sighed a little, taking a minute to tap around on her phone, before finally sending her message.
April: You apparently didn't know they'd melded and Leo said the sword was broken. How did you get home?
It was an incredibly valid question, one that he would be asking in their shoes. That did not make it any easier to answer.
Donnie: It is not so complicated. You've seen the sword, have you not? I put it back together. And made an educated guess on what was happening when the sword lit up a second time after Leo's concussed ramblings.
April: I did see the sword. How did you fix it? How did you open the portal on the other side?
Donnie: That's three questions.
His sister sighed louder.
April: I'm sorry. My own curiosity shouldn't go above your comfort.
Donnie made a face. He fussed with the blanket around Leo again, inspecting the small amount of his hidden face he could see for any creases of wakefulness. The soft cot was such a contrast to the frosted and uncomfortable cave -- it was so clearly tempting him to go to sleep too.
He wouldn't, though. Not when he told Leo he could handle it. Even as the haze of painkillers withdrew just enough to remind him of all the shrouded things just behind that wall. His throat was hard to forget, as every breath and every swallow reminded him, but he was beginning to remember his rebroken ribs, his slashed shell, and his punctured leg. He was especially curious about the leg, as that was the injury he'd had the longest and had been potentially attempting to get infected.
It was nearly impossible to tell if he still had a fever, as they'd gone from far too cold to the warmth swallowing and a tuck of a heated blanket still against Leo's side, as he'd been the one brumating. It transferred a lot of heat Donnie's way, because they intersected in multiple places. Especially since Leo's arm was very firmly around his middle, holding him in place.
He supposed he could ask. It would be an obvious deflection, but he just didn't know what to say to April. It wasn't as if it was a secret or anything, he just... he did what he had to do. He got them out of there. Did it matter now?
Donnie: Did they say if my leg was infected?
Watching April out of his peripherals, she looked a little wondering as she replied.
April: Casey said he's a bit concerned and we're watching it, but the anti-biotics they've got you on now should help.
Donnie: Can you clarify if that means yes?
April: I'm not sure. Do you want me to text Casey and ask?
Did it matter now? They had anti-biotics and clean bandages. Ah, but his insatiable curiosity.
Donnie: If you could.
Some tapping, then a longer wait. Donnie flexed his toes and tried to decide if he could feel infection. He could definitely feel the ankle brace. Man, how many times had he walked on that? There was an icy doubt that maybe he'd fucked it up beyond repair -- the long term hadn't seemed so important, when the short-term had been so overwhelming.
A ping. He clicked on the screenshot April sent, of a text exchange with Casey. He had a hockey stick emoji next to his name.
April: Donnie is asking if his leg is infected?
Casey: Short answer is yes. The longer answer is yes but not that bad, it could've been a lot worse. That injury looked almost a week old, but it held out really well. The rest of his skin was very dirty, but that wound had been kept quite clean underneath the coverings they'd used. But it had developed some pockets of pus that we drained when we cleaned it. The anti-biotics should be helping, but I wouldn't be surprised if his fever does spike. We should be able to take care of it, if it does.
Donnie felt a little sick. He didn't enjoy the description of pus, and it kinda made him want to vomit to think about that being in his leg. He was at least thankful he'd been unconscious for that part.
He texted April again.
Donnie: Do I have a fever right now?
April: I don't know. Can I come and check?
He fidgeted with his phone. That sick feeling stuck around, heavy and hard to carry.
Donnie: Don't wake him.
April: Who do you take me for?
Donnie exhaled shakily. When April put her phone in her pocket and approached, he suffocated the flinch so much that it practically made a new one.
April stopped in her tracks. She held up her empty hands. In the dim lamp light, she looked tired and patient.
Donnie breathed. It stung his throat. He waited for April to move again, but she didn't. The knot of tension relaxed a little, and he raised an 'ok' hand.
His sister folded a hand over his forehead, and he gave her a moderately amused look. He finger-spelled 'thermometer' because he didn't know the sign.
April shrugged, and stroked her thumb on his brow line. After a moment, she pulled away and got back her phone to text him again.
April: The numbers on the thermometer mean nothing to me, I just know how warm you guys usually are. You're a bit warmer than that.
Donnie: You just wanted to be sentimental.
April: I missed you two more than anything on this planet. So yeah. I am sentimental.
Yeah. Ouch. Okay. Donnie was aware that they would not have been having fun at home either, wondering what was happening and worrying about them. But it had been so very far removed from his realm of experience, that was already bad enough, and there just wasn't room in his head for anyone else's feelings because he had no room for his own.
In another world, the dance here was different. He would scoot over to make room to share the double cot with April and they could watch YouTube videos while Leo slept.
But not here. Donnie didn't know what he was doing anymore, caught up in all the life or death decisions, and he couldn't seem to stop himself from pushing away the help now that he had it. He wasn't useless anymore, he was a geometric purple bubble, he was capable of protecting his twin. And he would do it, with everything he had.
Donnie gave April the only truth that could break through the complicated wall of emotions that was making everything so hard, and he signed, 'I love you.'
April blinked quick, and kept a lid on her own emotions. She signed back, no hesitation, 'I love you too.'
Then Donnie put his phone aside again, and looked away, fussing with the blanket over Leo's shoulders once again as he snuffled closer. And after a moment, April took the hint, and quietly slid back across the room to sit. Giving them lots of space.
He returned to staring at the wall for a while, letting his thoughts run in circles.
April shifted, glancing over at him. Then his phone vibrated on the bedside table.
Donnie wanted to be petty and ignore it, as he was obviously engaged in something very important right now. But ignoring his sister never boded well in the long term, and he begrudgingly grabbed it again. There were more notifications that had accumulated as he stared at the wall and he dismissed them all without a second thought, going right to his text string with April.
April: You could sleep too, bubs. I'm here and I'm watching.
It should've been enough. Donnie wished it was enough, and he felt that continued terribleness that it wasn't. Now that he knew he had a fever, that definitely was contributing to the whole thing –- he used to call it his 'everything-is-all-wrong' feeling. Directionless and pervasive. And it happened a lot when he was sick growing up.
He also hated that apparently the twins were obvious enough in what they were doing that April noticed. Not that he thought they were being subtle or anything, it was more that realization of being perceived even when he didn’t want to be.
Donnie was frustrated with himself, that he had wanted to come home so badly and now he wasn’t enjoying a single thing about it. That frustration boiled over hot with the everything-is-all-wrong feeling, and, and —
The panic surfaced and closed his throat which wasn’t great considering how hard breathing was in the first place. He couldn't go to sleep, he loved April and he knew he was home but he couldn't -- he just couldn't.
"I'm coming up on your left here, D." April mumbled, getting closer and looking extremely worried. "Hey, do you wanna breathe with me? You've got this."
She did a big exaggerated inhale. He couldn't, he just -- he was wound up in a big knot, impossible to untangle, and he shook his head to the ripple of agony of moving his neck. His breath was coming in gasps.
"Can I--?" April reached for him, and Donnie was immediately shaking his head a second time, exploding with fire ants over every inch of skin. The rocket of agony in his throat felt like tearing him apart, and the whistle of air was too thin.
April tucked her hand away, along with the miserable, dejected expression. She said, calm, "Everything's okay. Take a slow breath, okay?"
Nope. Wasn't going to happen. The urge to cough was stronger. It burst past like a shotgun blast, and the misery of the fact that Leo immediately stirred, blindly reaching for Donnie before he'd even lifted his face from where he was hiding in the blankets.
"Hey." Leo's voice cackled in sleep, rough and exhausted, but he caught Donnie's fingers with his own and squeezed. He looked up, eyes barely open, and continued, "You're okay. With me."
A big breath. Leo didn't even flinch when the motion must've disturbed his own broken ribs, that barely-awake expression combined with bleary concussion.
Donnie struggled through the sudden coughs, taking a breath with Leo. Because he could still breathe, despite how much it felt like he couldn't. Wheezing and reflexively squeezing Leo's fingers over and over, instead of the stim he wanted which was to bash his head against a wall until his thoughts made sense.
Leo sighed. "What are you freaking out over, stupid? We're fine. We're home."
That was just it. There was a small stab of betrayal that Leo didn't get it, and he flashed those hurt eyes at his brother.
Except when Leo looked up at him, there was a reflected misery. And he cleared his throat, and said, "Hey Apes, do you mind giving us a minute?"
There was an incredibly long hesitation. It seemed like April actually might deny the request. But Donnie's ragged breath filled the room, catching the edge of a cough occasionally.
"Alright." April said, with a tone that said she was only doing this because she loved them very much and if they made her regret it she'd kill them in cold blood except not really she'd just be super annoyed. She left the med bay, shutting the door behind her.
"I've got you." Leo shuffled up, octopus arms hugging him tight as if neither of them were injured. It pushed on bruises and broken bones but it did not matter, not in the slightest. He finally had what he wanted -- Leo, and no audience. No performance expected from Donnie and none given by Leo.
The sharp quick whistle-whistle of Donnie's pinhole throat echoed. If it wasn't for the gentle flowing oxygen, he wasn't sure if he'd even have enough air in his lungs to function. Leo reminded him, "Gotta breathe slower, dude."
As if Donnie didn't know that. He rasped, "What an innovative idea," and then dissolved into coughs again.
"What part of 'don't talk' is hard for you?" Leo complained, rubbing his shell gently.
Donnie managed to raise an eyebrow through his watering eyes to communicate, the part where I can't talk.
Everything wobbled inside him at top speed. He choked on emotion and tried to get it out by stimming -- hands flapping and rocking -- but it didn't seem to help.
"I know, I know." Leo commiserated, leaning in closer, clearing some of the sleep from his voice. "It's a lot. There's a lot going on. It's okay."
It wasn't okay. They were both so hurt and yeah they had painkillers now, but underneath the bandages it hadn't gone away. They were home and everything was different and weird and he didn't know how to behave and --
A sob tore through his chest, overwhelmed and overstimulated. He hated that he woke Leo up for his panic attack. He hated that he was so glad Leo was awake and helping him.
Leo gently rubbed his shell, continuing to do large, demonstrative breaths. His eyes got unfocused and vague, foggy with pain and exhaustion, but he didn't stop the round cycle of breathing. Eventually, Donnie's lungs listened and synced, slowing down from the racehorse.
On the bedside table, Donnie's phone vibrated. Leo blinked rapidly and reached over to grab it, squinting at the light of it as soon as it turned on. "What's your passcode?"
Donnie usually opened it with biometrics, he didn't often have to manually input it. He leaned back far enough to sign, a splayed hand moving sideways over his face and closing. 'Guess.'
Leo guessed and got it correct on the first try. A smug little grin flashed, then melted into a grimace when he opened the messages. He said, "April wants to know if someone can come back in."
Donnie tapped his fingers 'no' immediately. Without even considering it. He liked this better. It was selfish and stupid. He didn't know how to be anything else right now.
"You don't have to talk to them." Leo ran his knuckles along the edge of Donnie's shell, in a predictable pattern. "But they're worried about us. It's not fair to--"
"I know it's not fair." Donnie crackled out, pushing at Leo to let him go, fractured with that same betrayed emotion. He thought Leo got it, that they were on the same page. "I know, I know, I do."
Hot, frustrated tears stung the corner of his eyes and he didn't dare blink in case it made them fall.
Leo raised his hands -- one bruised, one casted -- looking innocent, swaying a little. "Hey, your throat--"
Donnie hand-chopped him to stop talking, signed with fierce emphasis, 'Listen to me then.'
"Okay. Okay. I'm listening." Leo said, earnest. It was a show that Donnie knew was a show, but it was fine. It was acceptable.
Except Donnie didn't know how to say it. That he didn't want his family around? He did. Logically. Just emotionally he couldn't handle it. A blink tipped the tears over the edge and Donnie miserably covered his face with both hands instead of answering.
"I hear you." Leo said, as if Donnie had spoken, and shuffled forward to gather Donnie in his arms. His forehead thudded against Leo's plastron, right next to the long claw mark chip. He shuddered.
"Nothing is going to happen that you can't handle." Leo whispered. "You are such a badass, have I told you that? Thank you for getting us out of there. I don't know how you did it, but I know it couldn't have been easy."
Was it hard? He couldn't even really remember the effort it took. There was no other option in that moment, it could've torn him to shreds and he wouldn't have felt a thing. It had become a numb wall of fuzzy static, a refusal to die when there was still family to fight for.
The same family he couldn't stand to be in the same room as. He felt like if anyone reached out to him that electric wall was going to blast them away, and he just... he was tired and he wanted to rest without expectations. He wanted to let the tension of the last ten days disappear by locking himself in a room and licking his wounds until he could think again.
Leo manoeuvred Donnie to raise his head, the better hand wiping the tears off his cheeks, rearranging the oxygen cannula, then smoothing to feel his forehead. A frown. He said, "I think you're probably not coping very well because of the fever. Let me get Casey in here, we can tweak your meds a bit, see if we can't get that down some more."
Donnie signed weakly, 'You need to sleep.'
'I just did.' Leo signed back, and smiled. Plastic and dazed. He added, out loud, "Thank you for that. Can we let Casey in?"
It hadn't been long enough. Leo was in pain and concussed and hiding it with everything he had -- the only true reprieve he had was rest and Donnie couldn't keep it together long enough to give him that. The frustration bit more hot tears, and he turned away to swipe at it with his wrist alone this time. Agitated. Unsure. He stimmed his hands then dug fingers into his eyes, as if it might push the stupid tears back into his head. Now that he was feeling for it, the burn of it was like a fever. That overstimulated too-much feeling. Everything-is-all-wrong.
"Tello?" Leo requested, smaller. "I can't quite think straight enough right now to give you meds myself, can we let Casey come do it?"
Without moving his hands, Donnie nodded. The bolt of pain in his throat reminding him that he was an idiot.
"Thank you." Leo said quietly. A tap at the phone, then he set it aside again. "I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. No one is expecting anything from you."
That wasn't true. They missed him, they wanted to interact with him. He knew that.
Except maybe not Casey, who he had little frame of reference for. That didn't help the intrusive, watched sensation -- but at least he didn't think the kid was wanting a hug that Donnie wasn't giving. Casey shuffled in, wearing track pants, a hoodie, and a tired smile. Donnie scrubbed the tears off his face quickly, embarrassed to be caught crying.
"Hey guys." Casey shut the door behind him, the undeniable flash of peeking eyes before it sealed, and crossed the room to the collection of meds. He dragged the tray over to Leo's side of the doubled cot, shuffling the heated blanket still against his bandaged shell to show him the dosages. They decided on something and put it in Donnie's IV.
'Sleep?' Donnie asked.
"Yeah, bud." Leo helped him arrange the pillow so he could get back down on his side, not to aggravate his shell injuries.
'Stay?' Donnie signed, barely able to raise his hands. His eyes were burning with fever and tears.
"Where would I go?" Leo teased, with a tired smile.
Except Donnie gripped his hand tighter, images of waking up alone in a cave flooding into his mind. He flashed panicked eyes at his brother, feeling the trip-up of his heart.
The smile fell like sleet. Leo arranged the blanket over his shoulder, tugging the IV line and the oxygen tubes back into place, then held out his good hand. Donnie gripped it as hard as he could. And shut his eyes.
Casey and Leo mumbled about medical things, background noise, even as the door opened and more voices joined. Donnie wasn't quite asleep, because the panic was thudding his heart too-hard, but he also wasn't terribly awake either with the new flood of drugs in his system.
There was worry in their tones. Donnie wished he could fix it. But he had a strong grip on Leo's hand and all his concentration was on not letting go. The only solace was that Leo seemed just as intent on the same.
Some movement on the cot. Donnie's brow furrowed, and he squeezed Leo's hand. There was a squeeze back. Nothing to worry about. So Donnie didn't, bathed in exhaustion and allowing sleep at last.
It was dark when he woke later. The lamp was shut off, and the flow of oxygen was tickling his throat. Some of the sweep of fever was pushed away and he squinted as his eyes adjusted to the low-lighting.
Someone had joined them on the cot, wormed close to Leo's side. Judging by the smaller limbs clutching him tight, it was Mikey. Leo himself was still holding onto Donnie's hand, and his eyes were open and staring far away.
An inhale broke past. Donnie withdrew his other hand from the echo of warmth in the blanket and dragged the IV line along as he reached over to touch Leo's face. A mirroring inhale, and it was dim enough that all Donnie saw was the whites of Leo's eyes flash down to his face.
"Hi." Leo greeted, whispering soft in respect for the smaller turtle clinging to him on the other side.
Instead of trying to sign in the dark or get a reprimand for attempting to speak, he pressed his thumb into Leo's cheek, where his dimple might be if he smiled.
"You're good, keep sleeping." Leo replied, low.
Donnie merely pressed harder, pointed.
"It's fine, I've rested lots." Another attempt at a lie, laced in a false promise. "You can't keep your eyes open, D."
That was unfair and true. Donnie wanted Leo to sleep but lacked the power to stay awake long enough to ensure it happened. He let his hand drop, shifting to the back of Leo's neck, running knuckles on the knobs of his spine. Leo shivered and leaned into the touch, but Donnie fell asleep before he found out if it worked.
Someone had untangled him the next time he woke, shifting the injured leg to the other side, getting the hand with the IV pressed to his chest as if it might help his sore ribs breathe. He wasn't holding onto Leo anymore, but his twin was definitely still beside him, the secure weight against his side.
Everything hurt. Sore and hungover with it, eyelashes sticky with sleep. And worse of all, Leo was still up, shifting beside him. It was brighter with the lamp and there was something playing out of a speaker.
Leo had turned, tucking Mikey into his arms as they both watched Bluey set up on the tablet propped up on the bedside table. Leo had his chin resting on the top of Mikey's head, and just barely from this angle Donnie could see that his eyes were half-mast.
"Don's up." Raph's voice said, and he was behind Donnie.
Leo turned his head enough to see. "Feeling okay? How's the fever?"
Donnie was relatively sure his brother hadn't slept nearly enough for someone with a shell cracked like his and a doubled up concussion. He rubbed his eyes before signing, 'Have you slept at all?'
"That wasn't what I asked." Leo said, dry, and Mikey made complaining noises when Leo shifted upwards, tapping pause on their show.
Donnie glared at him in response. And when Leo raised his good hand to try and feel his forehead, Donnie smacked it away, annoyed.
"Jeez, relax." Leo attempted to disarm with a smile. "I slept while you did, okay?"
'Bullshit.' Donnie signed, and didn't elaborate. He let his stare do the speaking, to say: the fuck you did? And left me vulnerable?
Leo's returning gaze was, we're safe, we're home.
Donnie was sharper, like a knife, You didn't. You wouldn't.
A stand off.
"Are you two okay?" Mikey asked, sounding small in a way that he never should despite his size.
Both of them broke off at once, looking in opposite directions. Donnie clenched his hand in his lap and struggled against his frustration with Leo, that he wanted to walk away and he couldn't stand the thought of not having his twin within his line of sight.
Donnie pointed fiercely at Leo. It was his turn.
"Fuck off, Donnie." Leo snapped, irritated. The kind he got when he was way too tired. Bonus points for in pain and concussed and everything else. His sharper stare said to stop having this fight in front of their brothers.
But no one would leave them alone long enough to do anything else, so Donnie responded with an equally pissed off gesture.
"Trust Donnie to wake up swinging." Raph muttered, getting up and approaching. Unfortunately, Donnie hadn't been expecting the motion and flinched.
Leo immediately turned his pissed eyes to Raph. "Dude, give him some space."
Raph raised his hands and didn't come closer. "If you're gonna fight with each other, maybe it might be best to separate for a bit."
Donnie felt a surge of panic, but it was Leo who's hand snapped out and clutched Donnie's wrist like he might vanish. He spat at their oldest brother, "Why don't you mind your own fucking business, huh?"
"Woah, you guys." Mikey shifted away from the practically feral twins, putting space between them and getting off the cot edge.
Donnie yanked his arm out of Leo's grip so he'd have his 'voice' to sign. He pointed angrily at Leo again, not wanting to concede the point.
"I'm fine." Leo bit back at him.
Donnie raised his fingers and flicked Leo in the middle of his forehead.
His twin clutched his head and hissed immediately, "Fuck, you're such an asshole."
"Alright, alright, that's enough." Raph went around the bed to Leo's side, avoiding touching Donnie entirely but not having any qualms to get his hands on Leo. He tugged the blue turtle onto his cot then separated the two beds again, yanking them apart.
"Hey." Leo snapped.
"You're exhausted." Raph cut him off before he could say anything else nasty. "Shut your stupid eyes for ten minutes and if you can't sleep, then you get up again. Deal?"
Leo's glare could've stripped paint. He angrily pulled the blanket up over his head and hunkered up on his side.
The quiet reigned. And Donnie tried his hardest not to let the remaining two brothers see how he immediately began to shake at Leo no longer being within arm's reach.
Chapter 21
Notes:
thank u all very much for your patience as i took a little 700km walk :)
Chapter Text
Leo fell asleep probably three minutes after he closed his eyes. All of the tension fell out of his shoulders and he snuffled into nothing.
Meanwhile Donnie was putting every inch of effort into not ruining Leo's only attempt to sleep again by this pesky panic attack. He tugged up his good leg to hug and pressed his forehead into his knee. Breathing uneven and too-quick, as it rattled in his lungs. It hurt his throat. Everything really, really hurt actually. His painkillers must've worn off while he slept. He could almost remember each individual slash of the sword against his shell, like they were carved directly into him. Like they were a part of him, following every motion of breath.
"Mike, I really don't think that's a good idea, big guy." Raph muttered, dimming the lamp light in respect for the sleeping turtle.
Mikey had approached Donnie's cot and stopped right before getting in arm's reach. He smiled at Donnie and said in a whisper, "Good morning. Do you want breakfast?"
That smile wobbled when Donnie stared at him blankly. He wasn't quite awake yet, having gone from zero to fighting and now his opponent was asleep because technically he'd won. But he hadn't actually, Raph had.
He didn't know what to do with that. Or any of this. He wished Leo was awake. Fuck. That was a real problem, wow. Okay.
"I could bring you some toast and yogurt." Mikey offered again, stepping a bit closer. Bandaged hands held up to his chest, picking at his fingertips.
Donnie knew exactly what would happen if he ate something without Leo, and that was Leo wouldn't fucking eat anything. Whatever stupid ideas he'd gotten stuck in his head from this whole thing included both food and sleep, apparently. And if Donnie wasn't glued to his side and also not an idiot, he might not have known with how much work he was trying to put into appearing normal.
You know. Until someone flicked him right in the forehead and broke the charade.
'Wait for Leo.' Donnie signed.
Mikey chewed on his thumbnail. He was visibly at a loss, and glanced to Raph for help.
"Hopefully Leo's gonna get some good sleep." Raph ventured, after a moment. "You should eat now, I bet you're hungry."
Maybe? After a while hunger stopped feeling like the urge to eat and more just hurt. And with how much everything hurt right now, it was impossible to tell. He shrugged, and added with fluttering hands full of anxiety, 'I want to eat together.'
Another worried and unsure glance between his two brothers. Donnie immediately began to itch the inside of his arms, feeling dissected and darting a look over at Leo. He didn't want to deal with this alone. But also the echo of his biting voice. Right, pissed at him. Did he really want him? Yes. Yes he did. The panic was right there.
"What about a cup of tea?" Mikey volunteered, after a moment. "Lots of milk and sugar."
A pause in the frantic itching. Donnie signed, 'Earl Grey?'
"Duh." Mikey's soft voice replied.
He allowed it with a nod. Mikey immediately swept away to fulfil the request, leaving just the biggest brother's eyes on him.
'Stop looking at me.' Donnie requested with autistic bluntness, unable to articulate it any other way.
"Sorry." Raph apologized, averting his gaze immediately and even, kind of adorably, covering his eyes with his hand. "I only, you look so ... I'm sorry, I didn't know it was botherin' you, Raph won't do it again."
Except that now Donnie couldn't sign, because Raph wasn't looking at him. He sighed, and braved a swallow to speak out loud, "No, I mean, just don't stare."
"Sorry." Raph repeated, letting his hand fall, glancing back over with incomprehensible confliction on his face. He hovered, not getting closer, not sitting down -- it was obvious he didn't know what to do.
Donnie wasn't going to be much help, because he didn't know what he wanted Raph to do either. The panic was humming underneath his skin, and he kept glancing over at the lump of his twin less than ten feet away from him.
Mikey came back cradling Donnie's favourite mug, a heat-changing one that revealed constellations. It wasn't actually his, it was Leo's, but it was the biggest mug in the house so he always stole it to have the optimal amount of coffee.
It smelt delicious. Donnie reached for it, but the moment he had it in his hands he had to lower it to his lap because he was shaking too much not to spill the big mug. Hands full, he said, "Thank you, Michael."
The sound of Donnie's scraped voice made his little brother flinch, the flagging joy as he said, "Of course. Do you need anything else?"
Glancing over at Leo was entirely reflexive at this point, but he didn't voice anything further. Instead he tried to raise the mug high enough to sip. He couldn't, hands trembling too hard, and lowered it back down in defeat. A flame of embarrassment heated his face and he grit his teeth, because they were both still looking at him.
"Do you want some help?" Raph offered gently.
Spite and vicious independence had Donnie trying again, leaning over to meet the mug lip even as it exploded his throat in agony to bend that way. He got a mouthful of hot tea and savoured it a moment before swallowing. Whatever pain the contraction of his throat muscles caused was soothed by the wash of heat. He clumsily managed another sip before lowering it back down.
"Grab the tablet, Mikes." Raph said, gesturing their youngest brother over. "D, let us know if you change your mind. We're just gonna put something on to watch, okay?"
Watching something other than him sounded great. Mikey and Raph started up the tablet, bickering over what to put on, and Donnie drank his tea. The warm, sweet liquid in his stomach was bliss, even when it cramped before he'd even finished half. His trembling hand set it aside on the bedside table and curled up facing his twin. He couldn't stop shaking. The tea helped him feel a little more solid, but it didn't change the irreversible panic crawling up his throat. God, how could Leo stand to be apart? It was tearing him into pieces. His breath coming quick and hurting his throat.
His brothers settled on Frasier of all things. Inane voices filled the med bay. Donnie's phone lit up beside him. He ignored all that, trying to settle the all consuming panic. It didn't get any better, it felt like every moment it just got worse. And it was so stupid and illogical, because Leo was right there. The lump of blankets, back to him, completely still. How insulting it was that Donnie was vibrating through an endless panic attack while his twin effortlessly crashed to sleep without him--
Oh. Wait. Leo was way too unmoving. He was definitely not asleep. That perfectly even breathing, like he was counting the breaths in his head. Either he'd learned how to fake falling asleep, or he'd woken up already after his grand total sleep of like, twenty-five minutes.
Anger at their needless fight churned in his gut along with the hot tea, but the whole point was for Leo to sleep. And Leo was not going to sleep with Donnie so far away from him. Fine. Whatever. He swung his legs off the side of the bed, and completely forgot that his left was ruined, because he was the stupidest genius in the world.
"Donnie!" Raph whisper-yelled, and hurried around that side of the bed. Before he could reach out to touch, Donnie flicked a hand to stop him in his tracks. Half-curled up on the floor, tangled IV line and oxygen tubes.
Leo, the faker he was, immediately rolled over to see, eyes round and huge.
Donnie raised his earthquake trembling hands towards his twin, aware the panic was clear on his face and unable to stop it.
All of the harsh edges softened, and Leo reached back with his bruised arms, pulling him back in without hesitation. Donnie scrambled up to join him on the cot, completely heedless of the stab in his leg for putting weight on it, far more important that he was able to hold onto Leo again. The tight bind of panic finally easing.
Raph sighed, huge, and rearranged the IV pole and oxygen tank so he could push the cots back together, untangling what he could without touching Donnie. The twins did not let go of each other, Leo's eyes shut tight and clinging with all his strength. The illusion he'd put up that he would fall asleep so easily without Donnie shattered, at least assuring him that no matter how fucked up he was, at least he wasn't alone in it.
Donnie rubbed the back of Leo's neck until he actually fell asleep. He hid his bruised face and split lip in Donnie's side, the heated blanket tucked tight against his shell, and all the tension smoothed away.
The panic faded. And Donnie kept rubbing his neck for hours, listening to Frasier behind him but not daring to try and move to a position where he could see, lest his wake his twin. Splinter came to join them after a while, muttering low to his brothers.
A little family conference happening outside the isolated bubble of the twins. Maybe if he put more effort into tuning in, he might've gotten some intel, but nothing else mattered beyond Leo getting some sleep.
It was easier to pass the time here while Leo slept, at least. The external input of a laugh track was nice, as if they weren't the only two people in the universe. His thoughts were still running a mile ahead of him, leaving him exhausted trying to catch up, especially as the pain sunk deeper and deeper teeth in.
Leo did wake on his own, a catch in his breath then a tug of Donnie closer. He didn't let anyone else in the room know that he'd woken, but Donnie knew. He pretended for a while that it was just the two of them.
He knew it wasn't easy for Leo to sleep, so he carefully tapped in morse on his neck, 'Thank you'.
Leo snuffled and tipped his injured face closer to hide. And his fingers pressed against Donnie's pulse point tapped back, 'Are you okay?'
'No.' Donnie didn't bother lying, because he was pretty far from okay in so many ways.
'What do you need?'
That was a broad question, far too impossible to answer. There was nothing that would fix what was wrong, because behind his eyelids he could still see the sadistic grin of pink with claws around his throat. But even more than that, he could still see Leo on his knees, head tipped up at Prime, eyes glued to their captor as he begged. The silhouette of it was seared into his brain, the words echoing in haunting reverse, like he'd never left that moment.
'Don't let go.' Donnie replied, because it wouldn't fix it, but letting go made it worse. The uneasy rattle of his lungs shuddering through both of them.
'I won't.' Leo nuzzled closer, impossibly. The laugh track echoed. Splinter muttered something to Mikey that made him sigh. The low lamp light and inherent warmth. Donnie's hand was close enough to the heated blanket to absorb the soak of thermal energy.
They stayed like that. Both awake but not letting the others know, only Donnie's periodic coughs. Leo eventually tapped again, 'Are you going to let them in soon?'
'It's hard.' Donnie swallowed, shame washing over. 'Why isn't it hard for you?'
'Of course it is.'
He didn't elaborate, but Donnie read between the lines. Leo was always exactly what people needed him to be, even at his own detriment.
Leo tapped after another minute. 'I would be going insane if I couldn't hug you.'
'It's not the same.'
'Raph's heartbroken he hasn't got to hold his Donnie yet. And Mikey was crying.' Leo dug the knife in deeper.
Donnie suffocated the desire to flick Leo in the forehead again for being a jerk. Hurting Leo wasn't the right answer, anyway. He didn't respond.
'What about Dad?' Leo tried again.
'Why are you trying to push me out of what I'm comfortable with?' Donnie definitely tapped harder than he needed to, pointed and upset. It wasn't fair, because Leo knew this was hard for him and that he already felt badly enough.
'Because I think you want to hug them too.'
'Of course I do.' Donnie fiercely pushed back the tears stinging his eyes. What, did Leo think he was some kind of emotionless monster that didn't miss his family and want to hug them again? He just couldn't.
A long pause. Leo let go to thread his arms around Donnie's middle and squeeze him hard in a hug. Then his hand tapped on his shell, 'I'm sorry.'
At the motion, the audience on the other side of the room had gone oddly quiet. Donnie struggled with what he would want to say back, with the ball of betrayed hurt. Leo should've understood, he claimed he did, but still he was asking too much. This was just so easy for Leo, even with a concussion, to be always what people needed him to be. The roar of jealousy but also the justified upset that Leo would want him to put aside his own feelings just to make their family feel better. Maybe that was the right thing to do? He wasn't even sure anymore.
'No, I'm really sorry.' Leo repeated, when Donnie replied nothing else other than a damp cough. 'That's not fair. My head hurts and I'm not thinking properly. You know how it is when Mikey cries, you just want to fix it.'
That was true. Mikey being upset was lethal. And he had three older brothers who moved heaven and earth to give him exactly what he wanted at all times. Because it wasn't just Leo and Donnie against the world anymore. They were back in the larger structure of their family.
'Don't push yourself. Just...' Leo shuddered and continued, slower, 'I want you to have as much love as possible, okay? So as soon as you're ready, reach out.'
The daunting idea of being 'ready' was too much, only a couple days after coming home. But he tapped back, 'Okay,' because he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Leo exhaled, tension releasing. It was almost funny how they couldn't seem to stop fighting for longer than ten seconds. Close proximity caused more clipped elbows and like hell they were letting go now. They stayed immobile and holding on, and Donnie's thoughts replayed the whole begging moments again, like being chained to a movie theatre he didn't want to attend.
The worst was possibly the realization that Leo could break. He'd spent so long watching his twin bend and bend and bend -- under the weight of insomnia, of disguised anxiety over everyone's well being in the reasonable counter-arguments and medical care, in leadership roles he didn't want, and of course recently during the relentless trauma train of survival in hell -- that he'd almost begun to think maybe Leo was invincible, that Leo truly was the Fearless that Raph called him, that he could always count on his twin to persevere and win.
It made the moment he snapped under the pressure that much more crushing. Because the weight above him was so immense, it should've killed him. Leo had wanted it to kill him.
And yet he was still alive, and in Donnie's arms. The shiver of uncertainty ran a cold finger down his spine. If that had truly happened... what did it mean for Leo?
Donnie didn't know and it scared him. He held on tighter, in their little bubble, and made no attempt to move.
[]
Mikey felt it wasn't really fair that he was probably more helpless now that the twins were home.
He thought that saving them would be the hard part. But that was something he could do. He could tear reality apart with his bare hands. But he could not fix what was broken.
He wasn't sure which twin was more painful, really. Donnie was obvious, because the fact that he had Donnie right there and his brother would've even look at him, let alone touch him was just beyond Mikey's coping capabilities. He was so respectful of Donnie's boundaries, especially ones he felt the need to enforce with a sparking purple forcefield, but... he had never thought he'd see him again. It hurt, and he tried not to let Donnie bear the burden of Mikey's selfish wants.
But he was right there. He was so close and he looked terrible. All bony wrists and bandages. The hot sheen of fever sweat on his forehead, how obviously agitated he was by everything, and how his knuckles turned white when he held onto Leo. It spoke volumes, even if Mikey had no idea what it was trying to tell him.
But then there was Leo. Something on the opposite side of the coin, where he put so much energy into interacting with Mikey, with making sure he thought that he was doing okay, that it almost turned into an uncanny valley situation. Because Mikey had seen the inside of his head during the mind meld, and he knew it was not the easy-going smile that Leo was trying to get him to buy. Plus no matter how many reassuring times he tried to get the attention off him, Mikey had witnessed how his shell was cracked down the middle, and he was beginning to understand the lingering effects of his head wound. The hatred of light was a big one, but also trailing off mid sentence or wincing as if he was in pain, grabbing his head. Dizzy looking. All brushed off. At least with Donnie there was somewhat of an acknowledgement at least that things were wrong.
Sitting in the med bay was hard. Leaving the med bay was harder. Mikey did anyway, because all these people he loved needed to eat.
It was also harder than it used to be to feed them, because Mikey had completely obliterated his grip strength on the second go-around of opening the portal. He hadn’t really mentioned this to anyone yet, because the twins were so much worse off. And Mikey struggling to lift a pan was way beyond ‘shell split almost in half with bonus double concussion’ and ‘visibly almost strangled to death’.
Visibly because none of them actually knew. Not even Leo — he’d admitted as Donnie slept that while he could guess, had no idea the circumstances since he hadn’t been with him during that period.
Not that he’d been forthcoming about how they got any of their injuries. All discussions on the matter were deflected with a just barely-there desperation in Leo’s eyes for them to drop it. So Raph and Mikey did so, with exchanged nervous glances.
When he’d left the med bay, it was to the twins curled up together in the same bed, clutching each other so tightly it made Mikey’s heart squeeze. Escaping to the kitchen felt like an unlikely cowardice — that he’d never felt so alienated from the twins before, even after almost a decade of enduring their inside jokes.
And it was a selfish, disgusting feeling. There were so many other much more important things that he wanted to focus on but couldn’t get past how burningly jealous he was. And yeah, he was so aware of how ridiculous that notion was, and no amount of Dr Feelings at himself could make it any easier to deal with. He was just — he was scared and frustrated and sad.
Mikey would always love the twins, and he would love them even if they were broken and clinging only to each other. That was true. But it was also true that an upset part of him was wailing and pounding on the walls, wanting his twins back. The ones that always drew him into their orbit, that included him and made him feel like the luckiest little brother in the world to have them on either side of him. It wasn’t fair and it was a concurrent mess and conflicting ideals.
There was no road map for this, no idea where they were going to go from here. What helping them recover, what the end goal would look like. And it was terrible and too much to deal with and he couldn't grab the stupid frying pan with the weakness in his hands.
He couldn't make them better. But he would cook, even if it took twice as long and hurt twice as much.
"Hey." Raph said, peeking his head in the kitchen door. "Mind if we come talk in here?"
"Sure." Mikey had been so lost in thought, the room had been so eerily quiet. Normally he bopped around to music or hummed or something.
"Are you sure we should be leaving the twins alone?" April asked, following Raph inside and taking over the kitchen table.
"Not like they want us there." Mikey muttered under his breath, not quite able to keep the bitterness under wraps. He'd never say it to either of them, but he was kinda hoping maybe his siblings would agree with him that this whole thing felt icky and he could stop feeling like the shittiest person alive for being so selfish about this.
Except neither of them spoke, and Mikey's shoulders raised, not turning around from the stove to see their faces. Oh, okay. Maybe just him, then.
"Hey big man." Raph said. "You know--"
"I know." Mikey cut him off, face flushed, shoulder practically up to his ears. He studiously focused on his pathetic pot of mac and cheese. "I know, I'm just being stupid, I know. Sorry."
Light footsteps, and April gave him a hug from behind, real tight. "Not stupid. Just hurting. That's okay. There's a lot going on."
Mikey didn't want to fold his hands over April's because then she'd feel how hot and bloated they were, how the pain was sending a fine tremor through them. It was nothing compared to the huge question mark of what happened to the twins, how they got those injuries, how they survived. Mikey's hands hurt. Boo hoo.
"I know." Mikey repeated, in shame, because he was making it about him right now and it definitely wasn't.
April gave another squeeze, and let go. She didn't go back to the table, instead hopping up on the counter beside Mikey and leaning in to see his face. "We told Casey to grab Splints and meet us here so we could go over everything. Do you want us to move the conversation somewhere else?"
"No." Mikey said, sharp. Then took a big old breath, calming himself down, consciously lowering his shoulders. "I want to be included, thank you for bringing the conversation to me."
"... passing along Draxum's notes." Casey was saying, as he shuffled into the room with Splinter.
"Of course." Splinter said, and immediately made a bee-line for the stove. "That smells wonderful, my Orange."
"White cheddar." Mikey reported, around the lump in his throat. He gave his dad a weak smile. "It needs just a little more time."
"We can always wait for a masterpiece." Splinter gave a wink and squeezed Mikey's elbow.
"What did Draxum say?" Raph asked, picking at the tablecloth with a troubled expression. Splinter took the seat beside Raph and squeezed his wrist as well.
Casey didn't sit, leaning against the counter next to April, crossing his arms. "We're watching Donatello carefully right now, there's a bit of fluid in his lungs. If it's bacterial, then the anti-biotics he's already on will clear it out quickly. If it's viral then we've just gotta ride it out."
"Could you tell the class what you mean by 'it'?" April asked, raising her hand. "Because as far as I know, fluid in lungs is usually pneumonia."
"Correct." Casey said, and he sounded very tired about it. "It's not bad yet so we're keeping an eye on it. The amount of fluid we prefer to have in our lungs is zero. I'd love to check his injuries for infection, but I'm not sure how to approach it."
"Because he won't let anyone close?" April clarified.
"Yes." Casey nodded.
Mikey's chest felt tight. He stirred his pot, the motion weak and slow. He could hate every single thing about this situation and still not let it change the twins getting what they needed. "Get Leo to help."
"We have his left wrist splinted." Casey pointed out.
Mikey shrugged, lethargic. "It won't stop him."
No one disagreed with the statement.
"Maybe he could distract Purple while you work on it. You said before that the leg injury seemed worse?" Splinter prompted, gentle.
"It's older, definitely, and had enough time to get messy. His shell, as terrible as it was, had mostly uncomplicated, uniform cuts. The leg wound was deep punctures, lots of room for things to go wrong."
Cuts. Mikey stared at the soft white pasta he was nurturing and tried to put together the pieces of what the hell that meant. It hadn't escaped his notice that there was something about the shell injury that no one else was telling him. When he drew on his memory of Donnie's shell walking ahead of him into the med bay, it was a pattern of slashes. It reminded Mikey of when Leo would chop at a wood block to practice his sword swings.
Oh.
Mikey turned off the heat but made no move to lift the pot. Instead he brought his weak knees to sit on the counter beside April. She unhesitatingly tucked him underneath her arm, giving him an encouraging squeeze. He leaned into the touch, brow furrowed, unsure what the puzzle piece he'd uncovered meant.
"And Leo?" Raph asked, quiet.
Casey sighed. "April confirmed he received a second concussion more recently than the first, which isn't great. But it's pretty hard to get a read on his post-concussion symptoms when he won't give us an honest answer on anything."
"He's still Leo." April said, darkly amused.
"He is." Casey agreed, lip twitching. "Now and then and in the future. His shell injury as long as it stays uninfected just needs time. Same as his other injuries, everything is going to be stretching the limits of your guys' healing factor."
"He was practically mangled." Mikey said, choked up, because the sight of all those bruises hiding broken bones could not leave his mind not even for a second.
"And Casey's saying he'll be okay." April encouraged, arm tight.
"Oh yeah?" Mikey's blood felt way too hot, and he could never sit on a secret long, for he blurted, "And what about how it must've been his sword on Donnie's shell?"
"We don't know." Raph said, tight, wound up. He looked grimly resigned that Mikey had come to this information.
"Maybe Prime had a sword in there." Splinter volunteered, but he didn't really sound like he believed it.
"The Kraang isn't the type." Casey looked very much like he didn't want to volunteer this information. "Believe me, I've fought a lot of them. No swords."
"But what are we supposed to do with that?" Mikey burst, straining forward, fingers tight on the countertop. It hurt. He ignored it. "Like -- what would've happened? And that would -- if it was his sword -- that would kill Leo."
"Yeah." Raph spoke up, with a waver of nerves in his tone. He was fidgeting with something in his hands. "Yeah, about that."
Mikey's stomach dropped to his toes. He didn't wait, hopping off the counter and coming to Raph's side. His big brother let him see immediately, not hiding and --
A photograph of their family with Leo's face scratched out stared up at him. His heart rocketed to his throat, pulsing there with horrible strength. He choked out, "What is that?"
"Leo had it." Raph swallowed and offered it out to Splinter who was leaning forward to see.
"Oh, Blue." Splinter breathed, aching.
Casey pushed off the counter and April joined the huddle. The room fell hauntingly quiet for a moment, each getting the soak of the enormity of their task of 'recovery'.
"What are we supposed to do with that?" Mikey repeated, painfully helpless.
Raph ran his thumb over Leo's destroyed face. There was no easy answer.
Chapter Text
Donnie couldn't seem to stop coughing.
It was annoying, the air kept stagnating and not circulating properly. Like there were heavy weights on the bottom of his lungs.
"Stop that." Leo muttered against him, eyes closed, pretending to sleep.
"Stop what?" Donnie asked, and regretted it immediately because it burst him into coughs again.
"Holding your breath." Leo replied. "And breathing so shallow, I've told you."
Donnie hadn't even realized he was doing it, but of course he was, because he hated coughing and if he kept his air intake low then he didn't fucking cough. But remembering a very early conversation in hell, what felt like centuries ago with all that transpired in between, of Leo telling him not to breathe shallow.
"Right, or I get pneumonia." Donnie inhaled deep but it was immediately wrecked by a cough. It hurt his throat bad.
Leo was oddly quiet. Donnie squinted watery eyes at his perfectly docile pretend-sleeping face, and tried to decipher it.
The hot-hang over him made it too hard. He asked, honest and hoarse, "What aren't you telling me?"
"Feel." Leo fluttered his eyes open at last, shuffling his hand to guide Donnie's to press against his ribs. "Slow breath."
Donnie obeyed, extremely careful. Then he understood, a bubbling feeling that he'd written off with all the other trouble he had breathing. "I've already got it."
"How many times have I told you that you're on vocal rest, Tello?" Leo sighed.
It was too hard to sign laying down. They had been left alone in their med bay room, though their family had kindly left the tablet behind running laugh track background noise. Donnie flipped his brother off, letting his scowl tell him how annoying it was to be silenced when he always had so many wonderful and interesting things to say.
"I know." Leo agreed, all liquid sympathy, and it was his super fun combination of teasing and genuine.
Donnie grabbed his phone, wincing at how twisting to reach activated so many of his different hurts at once, and since signing was a hassle he typed and thrust his notes app at his twin.
'I hate vocal rest.'
"I know." Leo agreed a second time. "But in order to heal your throat, you've gotta give that larynx a break. Casey's pretty sure you fractured it."
Donnie's fingers jabbed the screen too hard. 'I didn't do anything.'
A shadow flooded over Leo's face. "That was bad wording. I..."
Donnie covered his hand over Leo’s face, because he could tell he was already freaking out and that wasn’t his intent. Leo shut up.
Despite the fantastic advice of breathing slow and calm (sarcasm), Donnie coughed the whole night. It summoned a rotating cast of family, but Donnie refused to let anyone close enough to inspect him. Instead he coughed either himself or Leo awake every ten minutes or so despite his best efforts.
And fuck it hurt his throat. Like in a ridiculously painful way. He felt like he couldn't catch his breath no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he tried to clear it, the sensation only grew the more he coughed.
Things started to get a little more delirious the longer the wet hacking coughs continued. There seemed to be no reprieve, no rest, and his brain couldn’t catch up to his body.
"Donnie? Can Casey check your bandages?" Leo asked him, sometime in the morning, when Donnie was still stewing in a feverish cold sweat, sucking in quick, shallow breaths. It felt like the oxygen routed down his throat wasn't nearly enough.
"Hey D?" Leo leaned closer, cutting into his line of sight. He looked drawn and worried. "We just wanna check to make sure nothing's gotten infected since your fever has spiked so high. It's probably the pneumonia you're cooking up, but we wanna be sure."
Donnie was tired. His eyes were burning and wanted to close, but everytime he tried to sleep it was a burst bubble of coughing. They had given him some pillows to prop himself up on, but it wasn't enough. He wanted to itch out of his skin. He had always developed a fever at the drop of a hat, but that didn't mean he enjoyed the experience at all. All the hypersensitive skin.
"Can I get some kind of acknowledgement here?" Leo attempted again, tapping Donnie's hand in question.
Too hot. Too sweaty and uncomfortable. He didn't want to be here. He coughed again, painful and sore and hurting his ribs. They were already broken.
"I don't think so. Yeah, I could." Leo said to someone. The reply was warbled. Distant and far away.
Shuffling. Leo moved away a little, and then someone was touching his injured leg. Pulling at the bandages. Alarm shot through Donnie and he felt the lick of sparks juice out of his metaphorical battery moments before a startled yelp.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." Leo said. "Pizza supreme, that's no joke, hey? No, it's okay, that's my bad. I didn't warn him. I just thought it'd be okay if it was me, but obviously he's too out of it to even recognize that."
Static fog. Leo came back into the focus. He said, "Hey Tello? Can you look at me?"
It was a lot of effort, but Donnie focused on his twin's face. It was just the two of them left in the world, right? No, that wasn't right. Was it? He wasn't sure anymore. He was tired. He coughed into his elbow. The crackle of it in his chest sounded like pop rocks. How long had it been? Was he going to die here? He knew that pneumonia wasn't good without treatment.
Treatment, no, wait, there was oxygen in his nose and an IV in his arm. Wait, what was going on?
"You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" Leo leaned close again, tapping his arm. "Hey, Tello. Did you get any of that?"
Leo didn't look good. Sure, he had white bandages wrapped all over him, covering his shell most of all. But the bruises were a child's finger painting over every inch, in blossoms of nauseating colour. Donnie's brain provided him with the lovely echo of Leo's voice as he broke and screamed for Prime to stop. The kneeling silhouette as Donnie dragged towards the broken sword on the ground.
"Are you okay?" Donnie asked, voice crackled and barely-there.
Surprise filtered over Leo's expression, then turned darkly amused. "Oh how the tables have turned, huh? I'm fine, egghead. You're the one with pneumonia. And I'm asking you, for like the fifth time, if I can take a look at your bandages without you frying my hand off. Your bite is definitely worse than your bark right now, dude."
Donnie blinked at him, eyes wide and damp at the corners in delirious fever. The crackle reverberating through his chest.
"Ho boy." Leo sighed. He very clearly made the motion of offering out his hands, though his left was splinted. "Here."
Donnie took his hands, and gave them a gentle squeeze. He didn't know why, but he knew if Leo was reaching out then Donnie was reaching back.
"If you look at me and listen to me telling you that we are safe, can Casey please check your bandages?" Leo tried, ducking his head to keep Donnie's gaze even when it tried to dip. "Preferably without shocking him?"
The rattle-rattle of air moving through a damp system. Donnie kept his eyes on his twin, but he couldn't quite make the connection of what was being asked of him. He was so warm that Leo's hands felt cold in his. He didn't want Leo to brumate again, that had been so fucking terrifying.
Donnie pulled up Leo's good hand and warmed it up between his fingers, rising to press against his cheek.
"What's up, D?" Leo prodded.
"Cold." Donnie murmured. "You're cold."
"I think that you'll find actually that you're very warm, because you are the champion at spiking a very high and very sudden fever." Leo told him, patient.
It was a little funny, because when Leo first had the concussion and asked the same question over and over, Donnie had thought it should've been Raph or Mikey there because they would've been far more patient. But in reality the best person for the job was Leo, who continued to look at Donnie like he had no where else to be other than letting Donnie squeeze his hand to his cheek and repeat the same things over and over.
"It's at your own risk, dude." Leo said to someone else. "Okay. Alright, hey, hey, mellizo. Casey is going to check your bandages."
When the touch brushed over his leg again, Donnie tensed, but Leo was already tugging on his hand to get his attention. "I told you, it's just Casey, you are fine. I know, it's hard right now, because you're cooking that genius brain at about a million degrees and you feel disgusting from coughing your heart out. But I promise that I'm right here and nothing bad is happening. Please don't shock the kid, he doesn't deserve it."
Donnie focused on Leo, even as the touch against his leg made him want to start kicking until the threat went away. There was a low hiss. More talking. Unimportant, as it wasn't Leo.
"I don't know if he'd let you." Leo said. "Can we take a peek at your shell too?"
His shell?
"No." Donnie muttered, tensing up more. He didn't want his shell hurt more, it already felt stretched too thin, like someone cut holes in saran wrap.
"You've got a lot of stitches back there and we need to make sure none of them are doing anything funky." Leo encouraged. "Casey looked at your leg and nothing bad happened. I think you can let him look at your shell and it'll be okay too."
His twin looked really, really tired. That glossy eyes, the twitch between his brows that the room lights were too bright, that he hadn't slept but really needed to. Had Donnie missed his turn to watch? That sucked.
"Buddy, I know it's rough at the moment, but I really need you to actually consider what I'm saying so we don't electric shock the nice young kid who's volunteered to help us." Leo's voice was coaxing and soft. And so tired.
Donnie coughed a little. He accepted the water that Leo offered him, nudging his twin to take a sip after each one he did, trading the plastic cup back and forth.
"Let's try this again, Vague-atello." Leo held Donnie's shoulders and pinned him with an intent stare. "We are in the med bay at home. I have you, you are safe, and Casey is going to look underneath the bandages on your shell. Do not shock him, okay? Tell me that's okay."
"Not supposed to talk." Donnie said.
"I swear you are being difficult on purpose." Leo replied. "Sign that it's okay."
It wasn't really that okay, but if Leo was insisting it was probably important. He signed 'okay' and sat very still, waiting for it to hurt.
It didn't hurt. Casey's hands were gentle, and Leo was doing big, exaggerated breaths in front of him that Donnie subconsciously followed along with. Annoying that it always worked. The bandages were rewrapped and the touch disengaged before any of the hot panic could crawl too far up his throat.
"Hey, good job." Leo praised, and it was stupid how genuine it was. He directed the next question over his head. "What's the verdict?"
"Not too bad." Casey replied. "The leg wound is still weeping a lot more than I'd like, but hopefully the anti-biotics keep helping with that."
"The shell?" Leo prompted.
"Seems alright. The cuts were a lot cleaner. They were... sorry, I have to ask. Were they done with a sword?"
Donnie tensed, and felt Leo do the same. For a moment, it was the steal of his breath as he desperately tried to respawn his battle shell, only for it to be crushed into bits, over, and over, and over -- until --
Leo wrapped Donnie in his arms. Bruised and splinted and holding like he couldn't feel any of it, tucking Donnie under his chin and murmuring. "Yeah. Now drop it."
"Dropping it, sir." Casey said, clipped. "Sorry. I just -- it'll help us to treat it."
"I understand." The sound came through a fog. "It's just a bit of a sensitive subject."
What an understatement.
"His shell looks fine, but I do think we should irrigate his leg." Casey reported, briskly moving on in that distant professional way.
"Hear that?" Leo prodded Donnie. "We need to clean up your leg. What would be the best way for us to do this that results in the least amount of shockage?"
Donnie coughed, feeling the pop rocks in his chest. It hurt and he was that level of too-hot where everything started to feel cold. His whole body was shaking. He tapped his fingers 'no' in answer.
Leo put his face in his hand and shuddered through a breath. He said, sounding thinned out and exhausted, "I really need you to work with me here, okay?"
Donnie remembered wishing that Leo would just work with him, right at the end -- what felt like simultaneously ten minutes ago and ten years ago -- for him to drink the water. And Leo had refused, over and over. It had been so frustrating, because Donnie had known better than his concussed twin that water was important.
So what did Leo think he knew? Getting the wound cleaned was important. That seemed a logical conclusion. Why was Donnie fighting him?
Donnie touched Leo's leg to make him look up. His twin's eyes were rimmed with red, but focusing immediately on him. Then Donnie told him the problem, jabbing his index fingers towards each other. 'Hurt.'
Leo inhaled sharp, turning away to blink rapidly. His expression was shrouded in a suffocating darkness, only to be carefully packaged up before he turned to face Donnie again.
"It will probably hurt." Leo said, slowly. "How about we give you some more painkillers first?"
Donnie searched his face. For some reason, the only thing he could think about was the rise and fall of a wound being stepped on. Would it have made it better or worse if he had painkillers? If he hadn't felt it? Sort of like, if a tree falls in the forest kind of question. The damage would've still been done, even if Donnie hadn't felt it. In the mirror reverse, the necessary help of cleaning would still be done, even if he couldn't feel it. He nodded.
They increased his painkiller dosage and Leo rubbed his knuckles while they waited for it to kick in. The world got more floaty, and the coughing came in fits and spurts. By the time Casey cleaned and rewrapped his leg, Donnie didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything.
There was thick, impenetrable fog. But he was held on by a tether, the grip on his hand. Each time he coughed, a gentle massage of his knuckles with reassuring murmurs.
And a distant conversation.
"Leo, do you think we could move you to another room?"
"What? Dude, no, I'm good."
"You literally haven't slept longer than ten minutes because of the coughing. You have your own recovery--"
"And I'm fine. Don't worry about me, hermano."
"Master Leonardo, you know that rest is crucial for concussion treatment."
A more tense. "I know. There's no way I'm leaving Donnie right now. So I'll be fine."
"All of us here can look out for him --"
"You can't." Leo snapped, breathing hard. "You can't."
"The two of you are going to need to separate at some point, Leo." Coaxing, a little nervous.
"Uh, actually, fuck you?"
"Leo..."
"No, seriously. Can you just leave us alone? I'm not walking away from him right now, not when he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. I'm the only one he wants right now. Sorry."
The apology wasn't very genuine. It was bitter and hurt from the attempts to pull them apart. Donnie didn't want Leo to leave him again. He coughed that crackling sound, even if the pain of it was numbed, and a gentle hand rubbed his.
"You need to sleep, Leo." Imploring. The mass of expectations outside of this bubble of insular twins. Two halves of the same whole.
"I need you to back off." Leo said, testy. Tight.
"Agitation is a common post-concussion symptom." Someone explained patiently. "But it doesn't change the fact that we're right."
Another voice. "You need rest and you're not getting any here. Snap at us all you want, but you have to--"
"I don't have to do anything." Leo definitely was snapping at them all he liked. Gone was the perfect facade, shed for something defensive and snarling and dangerously protective. "Listen, you try to pull me away from him right now, I'll show D's not the only one who can keep people away. You don't have the right to separate us, okay? You weren't there."
Hollow silence echoed in the med bay. Leo was breathing hard. He was upset. And judging by the hitched breath across the room, the people he was speaking to were upset too. Someone left with a slam of the door.
"We don't want to separate you." Someone said, quiet. "But you need rest."
"I don't need shit." Leo spat. "I was fine without it in there and I'll be fine without it now."
"No, I don't think you were fine without it in there. But you had to be. And you don't have to be now, we're here."
"I am seriously asking you to back off right now." The grip on Donnie's hand was too-tight. Tense and waiting.
"You can't keep--"
"Try and stop me." Leo barked.
Donnie flinched. Leo inhaled sharply and muttered, "Hey, I'm sorry. You're fine, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine. They're gonna leave us alone, and we're gonna be just fine."
"This isn't healthy for either of you." Someone said, smaller.
"You think I don't know what's best for Donnie? My twin?" Leo's voice was callous and mocking and perfectly calculated to get them away. "There's only one thing he wants and that's me right here."
If you know that, Donnie thought, why'd you walk away from me so many times?
"You've got to work with us here a little bit. Your own recovery is important too."
"I don't have to do anything, April." There was a desperate thread in his voice.
"Okay." A deeper sigh. "Okay. Stand down, alright? I'm sorry. We shouldn't push you so hard. We're on your side, boo. It's just hard to see how tired you are and not have any way to help."
The silence stretched. Leo seemed thrown off balance. After a long stretch, he said tightly, "Sorry. Tell Raph I'm sorry too. Like you said, Casey, I'm agitated. Just. I need to stay with him, okay? I know it's not healthy. Let's work on healthy later, I can't... I seriously can't walk away from him right now."
"I'm sorry to get you riled up. We should've listened when you explicitly told us to back off." The other voice contributed.
More of that wind-out-of-his-sails tone from Leo. "It's... it's fine. Shit. I really am sorry, I shouldn't have gone off on you guys. Especially Raph, he looked... can you go check on him, Apes?"
"Yeah, I got 'chu." A movement closer and the fabric shuffle of a hug. "Not suggesting separation, but could you try to sleep at least?"
"Of course." Leo said. He was lying and Donnie, even swimming in feverish delirium, knew it. He made a distressed noise, flexing his hand in Leo's grip.
"Sorry. Sorry. Too much yelling for the feverish." Leo leaned closer, staying steady and close. "Don't worry, okay? It's all good."
Boneless and vulnerable, Donnie trusted him. It fuzzed and wavered. Time flowed in uneven fits and stops. Later, he tried to focus when he felt how tense Leo had gotten beside him again. An undercurrent of agitation, but his voice was as smooth as ever.
"... it's great, thank you."
A click of metal on porcelain. The warm smell of potatoes. How tense Leo's muscles felt beside him. The feet around them shuffled.
More clicking of a fork. Secreting away the food, sleight of hand. Donnie could just picture exactly how this went down, and no one seemed to call him on it. No one knew to watch for it, to see the perfect performance. Donnie knew the exact play Leo was doing and he couldn't get his stupid eyes to open to berate him, let alone struggle up to force him to actually eat. He had no strength, all that he managed was a weak cough, rattling inside him.
"You're good." Leo abandoned the plate to press hands against Donnie's side. "Deep breath, hey?"
Donnie wheezed. He tried.
"Done?" Someone asked. "Do you want more?"
"That was perfect." Leo assured, all liquid promise. All lies. Donnie needed to fight his way out of this fog, because they believed him. There was no one else who could take care of Leo and he was slacking.
Leo stayed unmoving, humming a little under his breath like they were passing the time in a dark cave, thumb rubbing a soothing pattern.
When Donnie finally had gathered enough strength to open his eyes, Leo was right there and offered him a smile. It was just the wrong side of jagged and sour, lined with consuming exhaustion.
It reminded Donnie of how they traded, they shared, because they'd switched back and forth. The leg wound, the concussion -- but most of all the dripping fatigue reminded Donnie of that last few hours in hell, how hard it was to keep his eyes open and stay awake. But he had, because he needed to, there was no other option.
And Donnie wished he could say that there was another option now, that his family was there and he could trust them to watch him so Leo could sleep. But if Leo let go of him right now, it would be the same as being torn in half.
"There you are." Leo said, encouraging. "Mikey just made fresh soup, if you want it. I bet it'd feel good on your throat."
Donnie licked his lips faintly, giving a small nod. There was some shuffling, getting Donnie to sit up with the blankets and pillows and someone rushing off to heat up more soup. He coughed a little when he was brought up from prone, but gave a dazed thumbs up. He was alright. He had a goal, here.
It was Splinter who returned with the soup, which was fitting and tweaked a little smile in the corner of Donnie's mouth. He signed at his dad, 'Hot soup.'
Splinter's smile was watery, and he returned also in sign, 'Hot soup!'
Donnie blew him a dizzy kiss. He shuffled the spoon to his fumbling fingers and stirred the thick carrot soup. It smelt of ginger and peanut. He managed to get a small amount in his mouth was flavourful and overwhelming. He gave a trembling stim off his left hand, but not too deterred. He was hungry, in the gnawing persistent way, overriding even his fever and his food sensitivity.
But he only had one sip, before turning the soup towards his brother.
"I already ate while you napping, D." Leo said, easy and false, hands up.
Donnie signed, 'Bullshit.'
Leo's facade went tight. "Don't do this right now."
'Don't lie to me.' Donnie's eyes stung with frustration, because he knew better. Everyone else was buying what he was fucking selling but Donnie knew him, and he knew how this worked, and he wasn't going to fall for it. How was he the only one who could see it? Was he the only one who knew Leo now? Had they changed in a way that they couldn't come back from?
"Needy motherfucker." Leo said, completely affectionate in the face of Donnie's growing frustrated tears. "Don't cry, alright, alright. If it'll make you happy and not cause a scene, I'll eat with you. Alright?"
Donnie pointedly handed over the spoon and waited until he'd had a real, actual sip -- no feints. Then he took another for himself, and handed it over again. The intent stare that said, I'm only eating if you do.
Leo sighed, and participated in the mutual act of eating without further argument. Their father's presence still in the room, watching them silently with narrowed eyes, surely contributed to the lack of fight.
They finished the bowl and Splinter took it away, leaving them alone. Donnie signed maybe a little too aggressively, 'Thank you.'
"Anything that makes you happy." Leo replied, and telegraphed his movement to reach out and feel Donnie's forehead. "How's that pressure cooker? The coughing seems a little better."
Donnie shut his eyes, leaning into the touch, not responding verbally. His throat was terribly sore from all the aforementioned coughing. But he knew what his role was now, that he was even a little bit awake. He signed, 'Sleep.'
"Like a broken record in here." Leo mumbled. "You're the one with pneumonia. I think that takes precedence."
The useless feeling stung him again, because there wasn't any way he could leverage sleep over Leo. Instead he did the only item he had at his disposal, gesturing for Leo to lay down.
A big put-upon sigh. Leo laid down and the tension running up and down his body melted the moment Donnie put his hand on the back of his neck and rubbed gently. That boneless exhaustion, sinking deep into the mattress and turning to snuffle into Donnie's side. He slurred, "I'm not going to sleep," But he was so tired it barely took any time at all.
Chapter Text
Despite Donnie's wet, lingering cough, Leo did sleep. Each time he stirred, Donnie reminded him with the gentle hand on the back of his neck, and Leo sunk back down.
It was hard for Donnie, to be the only one awake, as anyone who came in the room had to deal with his sizzling glare and standoffish mood. He didn't want anyone to wake Leo and he didn't particularly want any other company. The amount of pressure he felt in social interactions even with loved ones was far too much to handle when his fever had just barely broken.
Leo roused groggy and disorientated quite a while later. He muttered, soft and a little lost, "Tello?"
"Here." Donnie rasped, vocal rest be damned, leaning over to give Leo his most indulgent smile. "Hi sleepyhead."
Leo smiled back, but it couldn't quite get the right shape on his lips. He shuffled to look around the room, and found they were in fact alone.
"I told them all to go away." Donnie said, and cleared his throat from the unbearable soreness.
"Don't hurt yourself." Leo said, automatically, and shook his head. "You know…"
"I know." Donnie replied. Because he did know. He was working on letting them in, really, just maybe not when he was still feeling fragile and vulnerable from being taken down a peg by pneumonia. He coughed into his elbow and then spat some gross mucus into a tissue, sling-shotting the ball of it in the garbage.
Leo was staring at the side of his face and Donnie raised an eyebrow at him when he caught the look.
"Can I ask you a shitty question?" Leo said, quieter. "Since no one else is here, for once."
"With an opener like that, how can I refuse?" Donnie said, dry, keeping his voice as soft and low as possible.
Leo sat up, tugging the blanket around his shoulder and keeping his hands in his lap to fidget. He picked at his nail beds and asked, "What happened while I was… gone?"
The lingering fever killed Donnie's mouth filter and he replied, with bite, "Which time?"
Leo flinched like Donnie had hit him. He shuddered through a breath and clarified, shaky, "After he threw me."
Donnie's mouth spread in an incredulous smile, and he gestured his hand on his own throat in show. "What do you think happened, Nardo?"
Leo touched his own throat in mirror, dazedly, like he didn’t even know he was doing it, and said, “No, I — I know I just mean. What did he say... how did it go down?”
“What is knowing the answer going to change?” Donnie dropped his hands back to his lap and shook his head. Ripples of discomfort upsetting the fragile flesh and sinews holding together his airway — that was throttled over and over and over and just the memory of it had Donnie’s fingers twitching like he was experiencing that desperate air hunger again.
“We went through everything together in there. I don’t … I don’t like that there’s something you went through that I missed.”
“Everything?” Donnie repeated in his whisper, red-hot incredulity whipping back. “Right, because I was there when your head was bashed in —“
Donnie broke off into pained coughs. When Leo tried to place a soothing hand on his shell, he shrugged off the touch irritably.
“I told you what happened with that.” Leo said, his own soft quiet, meek. Leo hated it when Donnie was mad at him, so why the hell did he start this fight? Donnie had been fighting with his twin his whole life, he wasn’t doing it right anymore. Where was the peacocking, the playful goading, the absolute baseless certainty that he was right? This was more like kicking a hornets nest and not running away.
Donnie didn’t know how to play this version of the game. He was tired and too-hot. "I didn't think I needed to tell you he wrung my fucking neck when you can see it pretty clearly."
Leo swallowed, his eyes glued to his throat. Donnie hadn't been in front of a mirror for long since it happened, but it was pretty obvious. He couldn't figure out what Leo's play was here, like he'd decided on an entirely new game now, with Donnie still desperately trying to play the old one.
"We share, D." Leo requested. Quiet. "I just really want to know. I... I don't like not knowing."
For whatever reason, Donnie could only think about laying there, the microscopic thread of breath he was pulling through the crumpled straw of his throat, and the relentless painful regret he'd felt, that he'd wished he'd never come. And the subsequent promise that he would try so hard to never let Leo know that he'd felt that way, because it would destroy him.
Donnie tried to analyze the planes of his twin's face, finding nothing helpful. Because really any answer Donnie could give would destroy him.
"We sat around and drank tea, L." Donnie said, drier than the desert, unamused at this blatant attempt to provide his twin with more leverage to torture himself with. As if they didn't have enough ammunition already.
Leo's expression crumpled in frustration. "What the hell, dude, come on."
"Maybe I don't wanna fucking talk about it." Donnie snapped, then immediately turned to cough again, as his voice threaded off and broke.
"With me?" Leo demanded, upset. Was it a show? A stage play to have Donnie reveal his cards?
"Fuck off, Leo." Donnie didn't want to play this, and wedged his good foot between the two cots to kick them apart. A shudder and crash as it knocked one of the tray tables over.
"How is that fair?" Leo yelled, red in the face. Eyes damp at the corners.
Donnie tried to swear again and only managed to dissolve into more coughs. The thuds outside the med bay manifested in Raph and April, looking between the two of them tense and wide eyed.
"He started it." Donnie said immediately, pointing at Leo, and coughing more in between.
"Donatello, you are on vocal rest." April said, exasperated.
Donnie flipped her off with both hands.
Leo had pulled his legs up to his chest, breathing heavy and shooting Donnie a betrayed look.
'Stop.' Donnie signed, with force and malice.
"I'm not doing anything." Leo snarked back, expression twisted and upset.
"Seriously, you two, enough." Raph ordered, tight, looking between them like he had no idea what the hell he was meant to do.
"I think you might benefit from like, ten minutes apart." April said, and she sounded so reasonable for something so ridiculous.
"No!" Leo and Donnie shouted simultaneously, and when Donnie reached out across the chasm he'd created between their cots his twin immediately caught his hand and squeezed reassuringly. Not going anywhere.
April threw her hands in the air and stalked away.
"Okay." Raph said, artificially calm. "We aren't separating you. But then you gotta have some kind of truce, you guys."
Donnie glanced over and saw that Leo was like, a hair-trigger away from crying, the dangerous shine to his eyes.
That was the last thing he wanted. He squeezed their hands and when Leo met his eye, he raised an eyebrow. Asking if he was going to continue being stupid with a look.
"Fine." Leo said, and the line of questioning was abandoned.
Neither April or Raph seemed to know what to do with them now. Leo pushed their cots back together and hid his face in Donnie's side, muffling tears for only Donnie to feel.
There was a lot of 'not knowing what to do with them'. Especially since neither of them put any effort in anything other than their quiet vigilance. They didn't engage with the phones they'd been given back, the tablet playing quiet TV in the corner, or any of the family members checking on them. When they ate, they ate together with Donnie's sharp insistence. One bite each, back and forth. And when they slept, it was in turns.
Donnie's fever was tamed with the anti-biotics, and Casey Junior gave him a trial without the oxygen in his nose. His cough lingered, but at least Donnie could talk entire sentences without feeling like his throat was spasming shut. Leo successfully did a few laps around the med bay.
Just over six days had passed with the two of them had been scrunched together on the cots in the med bay when there was discussion of letting them back to their rooms. Donnie's immediate reaction, of course, was panic. He glanced at Leo, uncertainty in his eyes.
But Leo was already way ahead of him. "We should go to your room, I think. I'm pretty sure mine's still a mess."
Unspeakable relief washed over him, maybe selfish, but entirely involuntary. Yes, they were their own separate, discreet beings – but Donnie had never felt less like that. As if he was only whole if he was holding Leo's hand. And certainly in the past he was the kind of person who wanted his own space, in his room, in the lab… now it had the same feeling as looking at his phone again, like it was a foreign object. The idea of being alone was completely incomprehensible.
The transfer over to Donnie's room was at least a relief in that everyone didn't feel nearly as comfortable coming in and out like a revolving door. The set up wasn't as conducive to constant visitors, no guest chairs lined up on the wall.
However it wasn't a relief in the other ways Donnie had hoped. He'd been looking forward to the soft, familiar blankets and the tracklights bathing the room in purple, and the feeling that he was home.
And it did not come.
None of the sense of safety and security returned, even within the walls he'd knew so well. He still felt the exact same hunted, on edge, clawing sensation. The tension did not leave his shoulders, and a frustration built like a bomb. Why couldn't he just be fixed, why couldn't this just be normal? He could recognize he was home, he knew he was home. But it didn't feel like it. His body was still lingering in the prison dimension, refusing to loosen his white knuckle grip on his twin in case he left again.
The uninviting environment of Donnie's room deterred visitors but it did not stop them completely. Mikey brought them dinner, and he brought two plates as if they hadn't done the same thing every single time.
"You know we're going to share, Angelo." Donnie pointed out, accepting the plate with a careful reach. Not getting too close.
"I don't really get why." Mikey said, honest innocent confusion. “You guys don’t have to share at home, there’s lots.”
Leo snorted, turning his head away. “Nah, that’s not what’s going on here, Mikes.”
“Oh yeah?” Mikey said, hint of challenge and expectation. “Wanna let me know what’s going on then?”
Donnie saw the calculation in Leo’s expression and immediately whacked his plastron, brow furrowed.
"What?" Leo asked, completely fake innocence. Donnie didn't know what his play was going to be, but he knew he wasn't going to like it. And it was proven immediately when Leo opened his mouth and said, "Dude, you already know I don't like it."
"Don't like what?" Mikey prompted, incessant curiosity.
"Donnie's bartering with me. He won't eat unless I do." Leo said, and how infuriating it was that Leo was taking this thing that he was doing – not fucking eating – and making it sound like there was something Donnie was doing.
"Excuse me." Donnie said, and his voice cracked from his dry throat, but he pushed through because how dare Leo try this right in front of him no less. "You are the one who is not eating."
"I am eating." Leo said, in the absolutely bulletproof casual tone of voice, raised eyebrow, not a single part of his performance out of place. "You're the one who is leveraging your well-being against me."
Donnie opened and closed his mouth, flabbergasted that this was actually happening.
"Even if it's true that he's not," Mikey began, incredibly hesitant, and more so when Donnie whirled around to face him. He swallowed and continued bravely, "that wouldn't be a very healthy way to make Leo better at eating."
Okay, actually, fuck this. "I'm sorry, do you want him to starve?"
Mikey looked as if he immediately regretted saying anything at all. But his best emotionally competent face came on, trying so hard but missing the mark, because Donnie didn't want his advice and he didn't ask for it. But still, Mikey said, "You're not responsible for what Leo's doing."
A flint-flicker of a lit match and Donnie's voice broke down the middle when he snapped back, "I literally am. We're twins, what part of that don't you get?" Before Donnie was forced to turn aside and cough.
Mikey shuddered a breath. He said, slowly, "I know you guys –"
But unfortunately for Mikey, that was all the energy he had for this gang-up of a conversation, and Donnie striked back, "You don't know us anymore, okay?"
A naked hurt painted itself on Mikey's face, before turning to a frustrated snarl. "Fine, whatever."
He stormed out. Donnie pulled his knees up and buried his face in them. He shivered like he was cold, even though he wasn't.
Leo shuffled closer. "Mad at me?"
"Why did you tell him that?" Donnie said, because it was supposed to be them against the world, Leo was supposed to be on his side.
"So that maybe you'll stop being ridiculous." Leo wrapped his arm around Donnie and cuddled close. "Seriously, you don't need to police my every bite. I'm eating more than enough. You worry about yourself, Mikey's right, you are not responsible for me."
Donnie audibly scoffed, because that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. They were responsible for each other. They shared.
"D." Leo insisted, fingers squeezing. "Seriously."
"I am mad at you." Donnie announced.
Just a little of the iron grip faltered. Leo tried to sound normal when he said, "Nah, you're not. You're smart and you know I'm right."
Donnie grappled with frustration and genuine anger and a more desperate need to keep Leo exactly where he was right now – close. "Nothing has changed. The deal remains the same. I eat when you do. Until you can prove to me otherwise. I'm not fucking around with your life, Leo."
"Heh." Leo was wry and hung on the word for a moment, as if he could just as clearly hear the echo of a cave over a pot of water. "You're not turning this on me."
"You're not turning this on me." Donnie raised his head and snarled.
Leo smiled back at his twin, gentle and encouraging, and it was such a play and Donnie hated it and pushed him away.
Unfortunately, Leo let a small yelp out when his shell hit the bed after being shoved and Splinter displayed his usual disregard for knocking.
"That is enough, you two." Splinter said, crossing the room remarkably quick and glancing back and forth between them. Donnie's poison glare, unrepentant and fierce. Leo's calculated act, hastily slathered on for the audience.
"We're fine, Daddio, don't even worry about us–" Leo immediately began to reassure.
"No." Splinter raised a hand, looking solemn and serious. "You cannot be tearing each other apart, upsetting your brothers – we are a family, we are all working together to help each other."
Donnie felt like he'd swallowed his tongue. Reprimands from his father always stole the breath directly from his lungs, no matter what they were about. He shoved himself to the wall and curled up in as little space as possible.
Leo sighed. He shuffled closer again, and said, "We hear you. We're – we're working on it, okay? It's a work in progress."
"It's one we all want to help you with." Splinter insisted, tight.
"We know." Leo agreed, all that reasonable and understanding. Exactly what they'd want to hear. "Seriously, we appreciate all your help and we are trying our best. Just. Give us a bit more time, alright?"
It was so hard to argue in the face of Leo when he sounded reasonable. Splinter obviously didn't have a leg to stand on, and said slowly, "It is good that you have each other. But you have us too."
"Of course, Pops. I promise we're working on it. Can you just, give us a little space? We're not gonna tear each other apart, don't worry."
"Purple." Splinter prompted. "Is that what you want?"
Wasn't it obvious? Donnie nodded without raising his head.
Splinter exhaled slowly. "Alright, my boys. Alright."
He left. The vacuum of the room sealed shut behind him.
"Truce?" Leo whispered.
"Truce." Donnie muttered back. He had little hope the truce would last long, but he just wanted it to last long enough to get a hug from his twin. Which he did, tight and insistent.
They'd barely been in Donnie's room longer than a day when the truce broke.
It definitely wasn't Donnie's fault. He hadn't been trying to start a fight, he just – bitchy comments were par for the course, especially when the whole cohesive system of his body was out of whack, and nothing felt right and everything was terrible and yeah. Leo got up to use the bathroom, and said, "I'll be right back," and Donnie muttered, "Will you?"
Leo's brow furrowed. He insisted, "I will."
Donnie replied, "Mhm."
And then as if he was proving the point, Leo left. Because he always left. And Donnie stared at the posters on his walls and thought shitty things, because there was no other outside stimulus, there was only this room and his thoughts and his pain.
The five minutes felt like five hours. Like stretched out on a hard cave floor, staring at the mouth of the entrance waiting for the red-light signal.
"Are you gonna tell me what that was about?" Leo greeted when he returned, jaw tight.
Donnie couldn't help but scoff. "You know."
"Pretend I don't." Leo stopped right before Donnie, crossing his arms and letting the tension tick off him. "Explain it to me."
"Don't we have a truce?" Donnie goaded, a little mocking. Just for the reaction.
It was earned in an annoyed sigh. "If you've got a beef with me, I want to hear it."
That same nagging question – why? Why did Leo want to fight with him so much? As if he wanted to turn over every possible rock of this situation to inspect the worms on the other side. Was it self punishment? What was it going to accomplish?
Donnie didn't particularly want to be the one who hurt Leo, and shook his head, refusing to answer.
"Aw, come on, D." Leo gave a crooked smile. "I heard you. But I don't get it – I always came back. I'm here, aren't I?"
"But you always left." Donnie enunciated hard, swallowing down against the constricted feeling in his throat.
"I had to." Leo spread his hands.
The resulting silence was creaky and unstable. Two twins staring each other down. It was almost intolerable, and Donnie wished he could stand two seconds alone so he didn't have to navigate this fucking mine field right now. Nothing seemed to help them. It all made it worse.
"I only wanted one thing in that place." Donnie said, voice barely above a whisper. He didn't want to say this, but it was a molten eruption from the depths. "And you kept taking that one thing away."
Leo's expression crumpled, visibly wounded and shattered, revealing the boy who got on his knees for a split second. Raw and vulnerable. Then his hands tightened to fists at his sides and his shoulders shored up, and Leo constructed a mosaic of a defense from those pieces. Barring sharp teeth, "I wasn't trying to hurt you, I was doing what needed to be done."
Donnie barked a loud, incredulous laugh, letting his bitch face shine. All eyebrows and twisted mouth. "Oh please. You couldn't wait to walk away from me. You kept doing it, over and over. What am I supposed to take from that?"
"That we needed things I could provide." Leo strained his hands tight, white-knuckled, and rolled his eyes. "You're acting ridiculous."
Acidic hurt poured down his throat, burning and reopening wounds. Donnie flashed with frustrated and wounded fury, picking up the pillow off his bed to fling directly at Leo's head.
It was a stupid pillow, and Leo could've batted it away without even a second thought, so it just flamed the anger that his twin let it bounced off his injured head. Donnie threw his hands up in the air and said, "What is wrong with you?"
"You're the one throwing shit, Donnie." Leo said, dry, still unmoved. "I don't think you get to say that."
Donnie screamed a frustrated noise, because Leo was doing that thing where he refused to acknowledge what they both knew, pretending like he didn't know exactly what Donnie was talking about.
And Donnie was never one for subtly, and ripped the band aid off, addressing the fucking elephant in the room, "Why do you want me to hurt you so bad?"
The mosaic expression shimmered, like light off a stained-glass window, but revealed no truth from the inside. Leo said, mouth moving in cutting and calculated ways, "I've got no idea what you're talking about, dude. You were the one being a bitch about this in the first place."
How utterly aggravating that Donnie could continue to recognize that this was a play, and yet Donnie consistently played directly into Leo's hands. The mutilated torment of Leo once promising that Donnie was supposed to be his mean bitch, twisting that around and grinding it underneath his heel. Letting the frustrated and hurt emotions take over.
"You left me alone and it didn't hurt you at all." Donnie hissed, lip pulling back in a snarl.
"Is that what you think?" Leo barked back.
"It is sure as hell what it felt like. Every single time you left my sight I felt like the world was over. Meanwhile you were waltzing away at the smallest chance."
"Waltzing away." Leo repeated, through gritted teeth. A minor Donatello win that he was genuinely offended. "I'm insulted that you'd seriously think it didn't tear me to shreds each time I did."
"Didn't seem like it." Donnie snapped.
"Uh, yeah, because it had to be done. I did what we had to do. So no, I'm not about to make it harder with irrational bursts of emotion. Really doesn't seem your style, but hey."
Alright. Time to start biting. Donnie lunged forward, pouncing off the bed towards his twin, managing to give him a mighty shove backwards.
"Fuck you, Leo." Donnie spat, halted in his approach as he put weight on his left leg and it sent a bolt of agony through him.
Leo had stumbled but kept his footing, tight fisted hands coming up in a defensive position but not otherwise moving. Gaze wary and waiting.
Something about the tension in him had Donnie's brain spinning in circles. He repeated, "Why do you want me to hurt you so bad?"
"I don't." Leo continued to lie. "You're the one lashing out right now."
Donnie reached his critical mass of this situation. He said, "Fine."
Leo flinched when Donnie hobbled forward fast on his injured leg, but he breezed straight past his twin.
His arm was caught and Leo whirled Donnie around, something just a little panicked in his eyes. "Where are you going?"
Donnie ripped his hand out of Leo's grip and said, venom and spite, "Just want to see how you like it."
Slamming the door in his face was probably a bit much, but Donnie needed the time to get away since he was down a leg. He couldn't go far, but his lab wasn't far. And it had a door that would only open for him.
Just as he sealed himself inside, he heard April's cry of, "What is going on?" just down the hall where he'd left the fight. Then he lowered himself to the floor, back against the sealed door, and had a very intense and overwhelming panic attack.
Vision greying on the edges. Breathing rapid and frenzied. Donnie clutched at his head, curling up small. The drag of his quick switch of air back and forth ripping a cough or two through his throat.
"Stop – stop, just, let me go." Leo's voice came from down the hall, and quick, hurried footsteps. Then Donnie jumped a mile when he reached the lab door and pounded on it. "Donnie!"
He didn't reply, all his steel resolve immediately wavering in the face of the desperation in Leo's tone. A shuddered breath, narrowed vision, trembling hands. He was mad at Leo. He wasn't going to cave.
"Please Donnie." Leo gave a more feeble hand against the door. "I told you I'd say it more, right? Please. Please, please, please, please."
A flash to what felt like eons ago, Leo pleading for him to share the water, Donnie saying that he wished he said 'please' half as often at home. This was not what he meant, not in the slightest. He meant for Leo to say please before stealing all his gummy bears or before putting on the fifth repeat of the new Taylor Swift album.
"Leo–" April's voice began.
"No!" Leo cut her off, then laughed, high and hysterical. "No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere, I – Donnie doesn't want to be separated, I'm not going anywhere."
"It kinda seems like maybe he does right now, buddy."
"Don't touch me, April." Leo snapped. "Donnie – Donnie tell her. Please."
The ragged sound of his own breathing. Donnie thought it was fun how he'd brought his own personal hell home with him. Couldn't stand to be near Leo. Couldn't stand to be without him.
"Maybe just take a minute. Just a minute, boo, okay?" April coaxed. "I know you don't wanna be apart, but just one minute. You're all cooped up together, of course you're chafing."
"No. Listen. Listen."
Quiet. Donnie staggered through his panic, the echo of his breathing through the space. His lab was dimly lit, everything inside on idle, flashing status lights and a wall of battle shells. It felt like another planet in here, like some other Donatello owned this space and he was an intruder pressed as close to the door as he could.
"He's freaking out. I'm not walking away." Leo said, hushed.
"I hear you, baby, but if you're the reason he's freaking out, maybe one of us –"
"If you try to pull me away from him right now none of us are going to like what happens." Leo said, cold as ice. "Back. Off."
"We can't keep going like this forever." April sighed. "Something has to change."
"I literally don't care right now. Back off and let me deal with this. That is what I need from you, that is what will help us."
"Okay, Leo. But we're going to work on this, when you're not in such an immediate crisis. I've got some ideas. For now, I'll respect your wishes and back off."
"Thank you." Leo said, sharp and pointed. He was quiet until the footsteps retreated down the hall.
Donnie felt like he was completely hyper aware of the sound of Leo outside the door, because it was his only connection, and without it he would dissolve into nothing. But he was vibrating with overwhelmed upset and he could not open the door and let him in. Whether because he would hurt Leo or Leo would hurt him. They couldn't seem to stop.
"Tello, I never wanted to leave you." Leo said, almost conversational, if it wasn't for that same lunatic-level calm in his voice. "There wasn't a single time that I walked away from you that I didn't feel as if I was tearing myself to shreds. That was my hell. … and do you know why I can't sleep? Because every time I close my eyes, I can only think about you being ripped out of my arms. Okay? So I promise, I promise you that I never wanted to leave you alone. I would've rather died. But there was no other choice, and I did what I had to, even when it hurt, even when it hurt more than anything. Please believe me. Please."
A broken sob tore through Donnie, something hysterical and broken, and before he'd even had any other thought he rose on trembling legs to yank the door open.
The hug was a collision, painful and fierce, and Leo tucked Donnie underneath his chin and said, "It's okay, you're okay. Shh."
The sobs shot-gunned hard, and Donnie was so mad that it made his grip just that side of too-tight. He choked out, "I'm still mad at you."
"That's okay." Leo said, cheek pressed against the top of Donnie's head. Some of the tension leaked out of him, the more Donnie's fuming anger made him clutch his twin painfully closer.
It was so damn infuriating that Donnie just couldn't seem to understand what the hell Leo was thinking. He pulled back and raised his shaking hands to cup either side of Leo's face, scanning his expression with a furrowed brow and a desperate hunt for the kind of understanding that was supposed to come between two halves of the same whole.
When Leo stared back, his eyes were hollow, even when he offered a smile. He reached back to grip Donnie's neck, tipping their foreheads together.
Donnie breathed, the spasming hiccup from deep within him. "What's going on inside your head?"
"Nothing special." The mockery performance of his brother continued, and it hurt. It cut deep that Leo felt like he had to hide when Donnie had been there for the worst of it all.
"Leo." Donnie pleaded.
"I'm sorry." Leo replied, shutting his eyes and leaning hard against him. "I'm still all scrambled from this concussion."
That wasn't it. That wasn't it, and Donnie wanted to call him out on it, to drag into the light how something snapped when he'd begged, how there was something wrong here that they had to fix -- but when he said, "Leo, I know that--"
"Please don't." Leo whispered. Quiet. The tone of his voice was one that chilled Donnie's blood and echoed in his nightmares. He was begging. "Just... don't."
"We have to talk about it sometime." Donnie whispered back.
"Not right now." Leo's fingers tightened. "Right now just... don't let go. Okay?"
As if Donnie would. He dropped his forehead to Leo's shoulder and squeezed as tightly as he could. "Okay."
Chapter Text
"It's a good plan, April, I just don't know if they're going to go for it." Raph said, chin in hand, watching his older sister pace the room like a caged dog.
"They will, if they know what's good for them!" April threw her hands in the air as she moved, bare feet sticking to the floor. She'd slept over on the couch and had been in problem-solving mode ever since.
"Those two?" Raph scoffed, incredulous, though he was hurting with it. Usually the 'disaster' part of disaster twins was minor explosions and energy drinks at 3AM – not explosive fights and forcing each other to drink water.
"They're – they need to get out, to have enough room to be like ten feet apart and still have each other in their sights, they need fresh air and sun and – I know that they just got here, got home, but it's not working." April ranted, agitated and very upset, even as she pretended it was all just manifesting problem solving energy.
"I'm not disagreeing with you." Raph replied. "I just think they might feel the same amount of unsafe there as they do here. I'm only saying you should be prepared that they're going to turn you down anyway."
"It would help!" April insisted, smacking her hands together. "We could help instead of just looking in and watching them – watching them –"
"Hey April." Raph said, casual, and when she looked over he opened his arms.
"I'm fine." She told him empathically, as if speaking louder would hide how her voice wobbled like she was going to cry.
Raph merely made grabby hands towards her.
April's expression crumpled, and she didn't move, covering her face with the crook of her arm. So Raph went to her, scooping his sister right off her bare feet and gently crushing her to his chest.
A sad little sob was muffled against his plastron, and he gave her back a rub, encouraging her to let it out.
“I’m fine. I’m seriously fine.” April babbled, hanging on tight.
“You are so totally fine.” Raph agreed, rumbling low how his brothers liked to soothe them. It had the same relaxing effect on April.
Raph did a gentle pace of the room, rubbing April’s back, letting her cry. A tear or two escaped his own eyes, as he’d always been a sympathetic crier, but he didn’t let April know. He knew exactly what was tearing her apart because it was gnawing on all of them.
“I just want them to be okay.” April said, wetly, without raising her head.
It was wild to think saving them was going to be the easy part. Raph could laugh at how he’d been so naive, looking at the broken pieces of brothers he’d been given back from hell.
Like sure, Donnie could be prickly and avoid touch. But just as easily he sought it out, especially when he was hurting. Physical feedback was often actually a prime way to soothe his autistic brother — Raph himself had quite happily been the deep pressure hug giver for years and years, tucking a little purple hoodie kid underneath his chin and squeezing until he felt placed back in his body again.
It meant that when he saw the distress written over every line of Donnie’s body, it was torture that he couldn’t help with the best way he knew how. That or listening to whatever rambling rant needed to try and resolve the problem — but he didn’t even have that, because Donnie would touch them, wouldn’t talk to them, would barely look at them.
And Leo. Raph honestly didn’t even know where to start with him. It felt oddly as if someone had hired an actor who was doing a very good job at pretending to be Hamato Leonardo, but the eerie uncanny valley feeling did not abate even with such a stellar performance. For a moment or two Raph could look so fondly at his little brother, safely returned to him and smiling — and it would only last a moment, as the spotlight shifted, as the cracks shone through the veneer, and Raph would remember the horror show of his mindscape they’d pushed their way into uninvited, with blood pouring down his face like tears, with scratches marring his skin and the consuming self-hatred seeped into every pore, every inhale, and the scratch of a beloved face out of a family photograph.
The physical injuries would heal. They were already moving around and the bruises were yellowing. But there was something far, far worse going on, that could not be bandaged.
“Have you talked to Dad about your plan?” Raph asked, because that was the probably the route with the highest success.
“Oh yeah, he’s been figuring out logistics already.” April pat his shoulder until she was lowered back down to her feet and able to immediately scrub all evidence of tears off her face with her sleeve. “I don’t know if he thinks it’s a good idea for the twins or just because he wants a chance to leave the sewers himself.”
“A rat can have multiple motives.” Raph allowed, because honestly that was a consideration for himself as well. After everything that happened, there was a certain level of stir-crazy associated with being trapped underground. “I think he’d be the best one to talk to the twins about it. It’s hard to argue with him.”
April took a deep, cleansing breath, complete with hand motions. She gave Raph a wry smile, “Do you really think it’s a good idea? You’re not just humouring me.”
“Raph can’t imagine it’s gonna make things worse.” He shrugged, scratching the back of his neck. “I'm not a trauma expert or nothing, but it seems to me they were in a very cold and hostile environment. As much as the sewers are home, they’re not very warm and fuzzy. It’s not like we’re signing ourselves up for eternity — if it doesn’t work, we can always come back.”
More of the tension deflated out of April. “Okay. Okay. We’re gonna make this work. I’ll go see if Splints wants to talk to them. My grandparents have already left, so as long as little doctor Casey says we’re clear to move them, we could go any time.”
“Go talk to Pops.” Raph said, because that was the first hurdle.
“Yeah— yeah, I’m gonna do that. Thanks Raphie.”
“Course.”
The moment she left, Raph deflated. He wanted to have faith, to truly believe they could help — but there was just this relentless fog horn in his head screaming at him. You don’t know them anymore. You failed them, you lost them forever. You weren't there.
A small hand touched his arm. Raph turned towards Mikey, the reassuring smile spawning on his face before he even had to think longer than a second.
“Hi big man.” Raph greeted, being spoiled with hugs when his smaller brother reached up to squeeze him as well.
“Hiya Raphie.” Mikey said, voice just a little rough.
“You doing okay?” Raph asked, cradling his head close with infinite care.
The response was a small shake. So minuscule he might not have felt it if he wasn’t holding so close.
“Aw, can I help? Do you wanna snuggle on the couch and watch some JJ?” Raph asked, feeling the tremor.
“I dunno.” Mikey’s rough voice answered. “I just saw April, and — I’m nervous.”
Raph didn’t want to keep standing, so he brought Mikey in his arms over to the couch anyway, even though he didn’t turn the TV on. “Okay, what are you nervous about?”
“Everything.” Mikey said, and it was so despairing for his sunny brother that it cracked Raph’s heart just a little more — what felt like impossibly more, with how battered it had become from watching little brothers suffer.
“Everything ever?” Raph prodded, aiming for a specific reaction.
Which was exactly the sad little giggle. “Not you. Thank you for the hug. You’re the bestest ever, have we told you that recently enough?”
Raph could hear just as clearly as if Leo was shouting it only seconds ago — you weren't there. Let alone his failures before, the pink vine tightening around Leo’s throat, because if Donnie almost getting strangled to death by Prime was fucking despicable … well then where did that leave Raph?
“Heh.” Raph said, squishing his cheek onto the top of Mikey’s head. “But you are nervous about some things. Are you afraid to leave home? It’d be okay, if you were.”
Mikey squirmed uncomfortably, but not enough that Raph felt he was trying to get him to let go. “No — I mean, it’d be weird. But cool I think? April said there’s a huge kitchen and that they’ve got that more counters than I’ll know what to do with, and I definitely consider that a challenge. I’m pretty sure if we were … you know. Home-home. Before it got destroyed. Then yeah, I’d probably be sadder. But as it is… yeah.”
“Yeah.” Raph agreed dully. The new lair was good. But it was hard to replace your childhood home, even if it was a sewer. “Change might be good.”
“Do you think they’ll agree to go?” Mikey asked, and that was obviously the source of nervousness.
And despite the fact that he’d been playing skeptic to April not ten minutes ago, Raph gave Mikey’s head an affectionate rub like a puppy, and said, “Dad’s gonna talk to them. You know Leo’s been bugging April for years to take him, and Donnie’s biggest hangup has always been that he couldn’t take his lab.”
An uneasy silence hovered for a moment, at the untouched lab at the end of the hall. Just as concerning as the unused phone. Who was a Donnie without technology?
Raph cleared his throat and plowed on, “But April said since the place isn’t being used right now, he could turn the basement into a lab if he wanted. You know. Once he starts feeling more like himself.”
“That sounds good.” Mikey said, with a scratchy tone of someone trying really hard to convince themselves of that.
“We’re all together. We’re all gonna take care of each other. It’s okay to be nervous but you’re not alone. Not for a second.” Raph promised.
“Okay. But you’re not alone either.” Mikey said, muffled from how tightly he was holding on.
Raph’s throat hurt. He said, sounding quite normal for how he felt, “Thanks Mikey.”
He snuggled Mikey for a while, neither of them moving.
Splinter joined them later, easily holding Mikey’s hand when the box turtle reached for him.
“Did you talk to them?” Raph asked, attempting to keep the hesitation out of his voice.
“I did.” Splinter confirmed, neutral. “They are going to discuss it and get back to us.”
Really, that should’ve been Raph’s first guess. Everything the twins did recently was more of an ‘us’ than ever. What was once endearing was beginning to feel to feel like a frightening level of codependency. It was understandable, yes of course, but they were separate people with separate needs. Hell, with who Leo and Donnie were as people, sometimes even opposing needs.
“Do you think they’ll say yes?” Mikey asked, not hiding his nerves in the slightest.
“Hmm.” Splinter stroked Mikey’s hand and gave an enigmatic smile. “They will come to the best decision for them. I merely provided all the information.”
“Did you tell ‘em that April said there’s a really big TV?” Raph chimed in, just to be a little annoying.
“We all have our own motivating factors.” Splinter sniffed and looked away. “I do believe Blue was intrigued, since he has been jealous of April’s summer getaways for years. It will largely depend on Purple’s opinion of the matter, I’m sure.”
Raph had no idea which way it would go. If the fact that Leo wanted to go would be enough for Donnie, if any amount of hesitation Donnie’s part would kill any of Leo’s desire.
“Then we will just have to wait and see what they decide.” Raph shrugged, keeping his tone casual, letting himself be the guidepost for his family. They would get through this together, even if he had to carry each and everyone of them. He could. He was strong enough.
[]
Part of the idle conversations that Donnie overheard the last few days involved some arrangements for Casey to spend some time at the O’Neil farmhouse upstate while her grandparents were away for the summer. It was meant to be a way to ease the poor apocalypse-raised kid into a world that was not nearly as dire or dangerous. So when Splinter came around proposing that their family was thinking of doing the same thing— he wasn’t surprised.
He was, however, completely riddled with decision paralysis. He kept his expression neutral, not wanting his damned dramatic expressions to give him away to Leo before he could formulate what he actually wanted to do, beyond his consistent autistic knee-jerk reaction of change bad.
“What do you think?” Leo asked, the moment Splinter left their space.
Donnie flapped out his hands, which was the overwhelmed answer of ‘don’t ask me right now’.
“Got chu.” Leo leaned back and shut his eyes. “Let me know when you’ve had enough time to process.”
Donnie breathed. He breathed. It whistled through his sore throat, the distracting feeling of being all too aware of every motion of your individual muscles. For a while, there was no decision-making being made, just a wandered path of thoughts going ow my throat hurts ow my ribs hurt ow my shell hurts ow my leg hurts.
All of it reminding him, over and over, that it happened. It happened it happened it happened. And now they wanted him to move again. He couldn’t help but feel like it was the same pattern — that they landed and hid but had to flee. Was this fleeing? Would it end with being found?
It made no sense. That made no sense. Donnie was being so illogical and irrational and the awareness of this did not help and only pissed him off more.
Donnie didn’t have to ask what Leo wanted — even if he hadn’t listened to years of his complaining that he didn’t get to swim in the lake April described or eat the wild blueberries — he’d know just from the way his twin had looked up at their dad with wide eyes the moment it was mentioned as a possibility. It was outside of their wildest dreams as kids trapped in the sewers for essentially their own safety. But of course things were very different now, they’d been running around on the surface and the Hidden City for a while. It wasn’t a stretch to imagine them going to an empty summer house.
Except that of course, Donnie couldn’t imagine it — a parade of worse case scenarios. What if it was too hot? What if it wasn’t big enough for all of them? What if he was uncomfortable or couldn’t cope with the change or —
Or what if it made Leo smile. Even once.
His immediate conviction to say 'no' wavered. He turned to face his brother and saw him staring at the ceiling with dull, uncoloured eyes. Not a single emotion crossed his face, through his eyes were tracking like he was looking at something more than just the nonsense patterns above them. If he said no, Leo would never bat an eye, he’d never admit his own wants. Not when he was in — in this ridiculous pit of self-hatred that Donnie didn’t have the tools to dig him out of. As if he was just scratching at the dirt with only fingernails and determination and getting nowhere.
What if this got them somewhere? An old want of a younger, brighter Leo whose desire was to lay in a sunbeam instead of tracing damp sewer walls. Donnie went through hell for this stupid idiot, what would a bit of discomfort even be?
Though his tolerance for such things was incredibly low at the moment. All that winding tension in his body, waiting for the slightest relief that would unravel him at top speed. Would it be an unfamiliar situation that would wreck him?
How so very silly that he even was afraid of this after everything that happened. Donnie wrestled with indecision.
“Tello.” Leo said, quietly.
Donnie realized it had manifested in some angry stimming, and that was the sprouted pain in his head. He dropped the smacking hands to his lap and squeezed them together hard instead, cheeks flaming. All his immediate knee jerk curses at himself for being so stupid and irrational were rebutted by the long repeated voice of Michelangelo not to let the internalized ableism win. The neurodiverse bros fist bump for that ultimate autism ADHD solidarity. Stimming wasn’t stupid. His desire for things to stay the same wasn’t stupid.
Donnie gave a long and shaky inhale, with a tweak of a wry smile at the corner of his mouth. His brothers always seemed to manage to help him even when he put all his effort into pushing them away. Mikey pushing snacks under the door of a locked lab. Raph bringing his headphones when he forgot on the off chance he’d need them.
Leo carefully drawing his attention when his stimming turned harmful. Nothing about the dullness of his gaze changed, just that his attention was tipped towards his twin instead.
“Do you wanna make a pros and cons list?” Leo offered, ever the failsafe at a decision paralysis-filled Donatello.
But he didn’t want to, not with Leo at least, because the biggest pro was going to be ‘oh God please fix my twin’ and he knew that Leo would 1: hate that and 2: not consider it to be a good enough reason to put Donnie in any amount of discomfort. Like he had to be a martyr of absolutely fucking anything, laying his throat down on the altar of Will This Place Have Air Conditioning.
“No.” Donnie croaked, squeezing and squeezing his hands tight in rhythm. “I’m still thinking.”
Leo immediately gave a gesture of surrender, backing off without another word. Donnie did a very controlled inhale-exhale, and tried to start this whole nonsense again.
Did he think leaving would help? Maybe. Being home felt … strange and alien and it made his stomach turn that something that was supposed to be good felt so very different than it used to. But would running away from the problem make it better or worse? Maybe they should stay here and just try harder to return to normal. It wasn’t as if home had changed at all — they had.
Donnie wished with everything he had that he just knew the right answer. He hated that it was on his shoulders but he’d resent the ability to choose being taken away from him. He just didn’t want to choose wrong.
He breathed. It was shaky. He needed more data. He texted April, who Splinter had said came up with the idea and was of course the prime source of information of the farmhouse since she’d been there many times. He sent, ‘Is there air conditioning?’
Immediate read notification. A ticking typing bubble. Then complete with a smile emoji, ‘Yes.’
There was air conditioning. A small amount of tension fell, even if it was ridiculous to care so much. But temperature regulation always seemed so vitally important, when being too hot could be mistaken as a panic attack in all the misaligned ports and wires that made up his autistic body. Accommodations were okay. This was okay.
Plus Donnie kind of wanted to swim in the lake as well.
“We should go.” Donnie voiced, soft.
“Yeah?” Leo said, no inflection, no lean either way. But the slight jiggle of his leg stopped.
“It might be fun.” Donnie said, unable to hide the skepticism in his voice.
“Ah, D, we really don’t have to if you don’t want.” Leo’s face fell.
“I just said we should go.”
“Only because you think I want to.” Leo accurately nailed the issue on the head with the pinpoint accuracy from the guy who was the master of reading people. Damn him.
“Think?” Donnie raised an eyebrow, also unable to stop the way his voice came out kind of catty. How he wished he could lie like Leo for ten seconds. “Please, Nardo, you’ve been whining about not getting a cool summer vacation since we were ten.”
“This isn’t a summer vacation.” Leo rolled his eyes. “It’s April trying to change a variable so she gets a different result. As if it’s going to make us any less fucked up if we ‘got some fresh air’.”
“What if it did?” Donnie challenged. He leveraged the only thing he was actually excited for. “Maybe I need to swim in a lake. Aquatic turtle and all.”
Baby Donatello used to have to be bribed out of the bathtub. Leo bit his lip, obviously seeing the validity of the statement. He said, “Okay, but like, I know you don’t want to go. You hate change. You don’t want to be on the surface in the summer, what if there’s no air conditioning?”
“I already texted April, she says there is.” Donnie reported, happy to have proof that he was actually genuinely considering this option.
The proof did nothing hide the stark conflict on Leo's face, which was interesting. Immediately understood when Leo reiterated, “You can’t do this just because of me. I said it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t. But I only want to go if you really actually want.”
“I really actually want.” Donnie said, and it must’ve been the truth because he sucked at lying. And when he said it, he believed it.
Leo searched his face for a long minute. There was no indication of his own thought process, but he finally said, “Okay. If that’s your decision, then let’s do it.”
Donnie was just grateful they didn’t have to fight over it. He said, “That’s my decision.”
“I’ll tell them, if you want.”
Donnie didn’t care. So Leo did, when Raph came hovering by shortly after that, eyes flickering hopefully between them but not saying anything.
“We’d give it a shot.” Leo said, so painfully deliberately casual.
But Raph smiled, snaggletooth and all, and replied with that same forced ease, “Yeah?”
“Sure.” Leo shrugged. “Do you guys have a game plan?”
“Yeah, yeah, do you wanna hear it?”
Leo said yes. They talked about getting a van to take them on a little road trip and packing up what they needed and making sure they brought the necessities from the med bay to keep an eye on all their healing injuries. Donnie stared at the wall and tried very hard to feel completely comfortable with his decision. Trying very hard to feel things never worked well for Donnie, who often perceived his experiences of emotions as walking through a cloud of mosquitoes. Painful, disorientating, and out of his control. Fleeting and having far more effect on his body than he ever wanted.
And literally the exact moment that Raph left them alone again, Leo turned to Donnie and said, “You know you can change your mind any time and I’ll be on your side immediately.”
Donnie scoffed. It said multiple things. I know I could change it. I’m not changing it. Of course you’d be on my side.
Leo didn’t smile, but his eyes crinkled like he was. He reached out and squeezed Donnie’s hand.
Later, Leo fell asleep hugging a pillow and drooling. Donnie took a photo for blackmail and settled in for his watch, carefully pressing his bandages shell against the wall and hunching over his phone. He wasn’t actually doing anything on his phone, just obsessively opening and closing apps without actually interacting with any of them.
A gentle tap at the door and Mikey’s hopeful face peeked in. He was wearing pajamas stolen from everyone else — swimming in Raph’s frayed wrestling t-shirt, just a peek of basketball shorts Leo also had long since grown out of, and the slippers that Donnie had specifically gotten for maximum warmth and grip and hadn’t seen for three months now.
“Hello Michael.” Donnie whispered, putting a finger to his lips in show.
Mikey mirrored the motion. Then pointed hopefully to the bean bag chair they’d dragged in to begrudgingly allow visitors in Donnie’s room.
It was like two in the morning. Only the thought that sending his baby brother away right now might mean he would be cold and alone in his room in the middle of the night allowed Donnie to tip his chin in agreement.
Fleeting joy sparkled over Mikey’s face, hidden as soon as he shut the door and navigated through the dim light to the bedside. He had something in his hands, which was quickly uncovered to be his Switch when the light illuminated his face.
The idea of video games felt about fifty miles away from where Donnie was right now. He couldn’t help but indulge his curiosity and whisper, “What are you gonna play?”
“Dunno.” Mikey shrugged, and looked at Donnie from the corner of his eye.
That typically meant Mikey was going to start seven different games and play ten minutes of each of them. Donnie watched from the corner of his eye, the far more entertaining quick spinning Mario Kart as Mikey whipped Toad around the track than the mindless cycle of the phone he didn’t even want to be looking at.
Mikey was a bit of a Mario Kart fiend, so it surprised Donnie to see him come in 5th and 6th respectively. Halfway through his third race, Mikey quit the game unexpectedly and switched to Stardew Valley. It was the way that his fingers kept skipping over the tool he needed and having to backtrack that Donnie caught on that his hands were giving him trouble.
The bandages ran around the base of his fingers and up his wrist. Donnie watched how the grip on the controls faltered periodically instead of the game. Leo began to grind his teeth, filling the otherwise quiet room.
It was an oddly comforting sound to Donnie by now, but it made Mikey glance up with big eyes.
“He’s fine.” Donnie said, quiet.
“Sounds like it hurts.” Mikey whispered back, pausing by opening his inventory screen.
“He says it doesn’t.” Donnie shrugged. The shrug said, with Leo, who knows?
Mikey stared at the silhouette of their brother, the rise and fall of his chest, face turned into the pillow. He had one hand rumpling the edge of Donnie’s shirt in his fist.
“Is it hurting you?” Donnie asked.
“Is it hurting me?” Mikey echoed, with frank confusion.
Donnie pointed at his fingers wrapped around the controllers.
“No.” Mikey said, far too quick.
“You usually make a killing at Mario Kart.” Donnie tried to remain mild and not accusatory, even as the finely tuned instinct of a brother being in pain was pinging loudly.
Mikey ducked his head. “Why do you care?”
Which. Ow. He deserved that, but still.
Mikey obviously realized that, because just as quickly as he stabbed the knife into Donnie’s heart he blinked and tears welled in his eyes and he said, “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s really not fair.”
“Apology not accepted, I refuse to let you apologize for me being a bitch.” Donnie shook his head. “I am the one who’s sorry, Michelangelo.”
“Aw, D, no!” Mikey immediately protested, hushing himself automatically at the end and glancing at Leo.
A moment of still, then more teeth grinding. Mikey’s shoulders fell, and he said soft and undeniably dejected, “It’s not your fault, you’re not doing it to hurt me.”
“But I am hurting you.” Donnie pointed out, because he knew Mikey. He hadn’t forgotten how his baby brother worked while in the prison dimension.
“My feelings are not more important than your comfort.” Mikey said, jaw tight.
“But they are still very important.” Donnie insisted gently. “And I apologize. I… I really wish that things were easier right now and I could be what you need.”
“Except that exactly what I need is that you are right here and you are safe. Nothing else matters okay?” Mikey shook his head fiercely.
“I would’ve hugged you. I wanted to. I thought about getting to hug you again a lot in there.” Something about speaking that sentence out loud wrapped a spindly twine around his throat, hard to speak, but he continued. “It’s not that I don’t want to, okay? I promise.”
That actually painted a little relief on Mikey’s face. He said, “Okay. I am hugging you. Verbally. This is a verbal hug.”
A wobbly fracture in Donnie’s lungs, hard to breathe. He loved Mikey so much it hurt. “I am hugging you too. It is the best hug you’ve ever had.”
“Of course it is.” Mikey’s eyes just barely shone in the blue-purple track lit shadows. “Because you’re here.”
Chapter Text
They’d split up between the van and April’s car specifically so that Donnie and Leo could have a seat row to themselves. However that didn’t mean April didn’t take the opportunity to come bother them.
“Here.” April leaned in the van to lob something at the twins, purposefully aiming at their feet. They were at a gas station, and Donnie had refused to move from his spot to go inside, even in disguise, so that meant Leo was still in the van as well.
Whatever she threw rattled a bunch. Leo leaned over to pick it up and immediately laughed, handing it to Donnie. “Oh, these are definitely for you.”
It was a package of Nerds.
“Hm.” Donnie deadpanned, though he was appreciative that one side of the little box was purple nerds. The other was pink, which was also acceptable.
He looked at the little cardboard flap. Opening it in the van just seemed like the best way to fill the rental carpet with small candies.
“Kit Kat?” April offered Leo.
“Thanks.” Leo accepted it. “How’s the drive on your side?”
“Familiar.” April laughed. “Are you enjoying the sights?”
Donnie hadn’t really been looking out the window, instead staring at where his hand intertwined with Leo’s between the seats. Change was okay if his twin was there. They could get through anything together. Hadn’t they already proven that?
Leo tucked the Kit Kat into his side pocket. Mikey flung open the passenger side and crawled in.
“I’m switching with Raph!” Mikey announced. “April was listening to scary podcasts.”
Casey and April and previously Mikey had been in her car. Splinter was driving the van, with the twins and the rest of their worldly possessions stuffed in the back. They were really banking on not getting pulled over, since Hamato Yoshi’s drivers license was definitely expired.
Donnie was really not enjoying the whole ‘road trip’ thing. He hadn’t thought he would, but it was a necessary evil to make it to the farmhouse upstate. Draxum had both twins on strict orders not to use any ninpo while healing, to conserve energy and avoid any complications — especially from Leo’s overuse of his portals while searching for food, which had made Draxum twist his mouth when he inspected Leo’s ninpo.
“And you’re sure that your grandparents don’t mind?” Mikey asked, chewing on the straw of the green slushie he'd brought with him.
“I told you, they’re going spending the whole summer in Rio with my uncle and wanted someone to house sit. I’d said I’d check on the place a few times, but they’re thrilled now that it’s actually getting some use. I may have stretched the truth about the … turtle-ness, of my friends, but they were really glad to provide somewhere to get away from the city after the invasion.” April explained, leaning in the sliding door, tapping on the roof as she did. She had a yellow silk scarf in her hair and a lollipop in her mouth. It was dying her tongue an unnatural red.
“Happy to be of service.” Leo said, a strained performance. Something about the space was making him fidget with Donnie’s knuckles, glancing at the windows in faked casual motions — it reminded Donnie of when they were running away and how Leo kept a steady watch of the void above them, head not staying still but scanning the skyline endlessly.
Donnie said nothing. His shoulders were up tight and he was gripping Leo’s hand so hard it hurt. He was getting through this with his favourite autistic method which was Hold Very Still Until It’s Over. It must’ve been pretty eerie as Leo kept sending him mildly haunted looks.
But that was the only way he was going to get through this, so he stayed still and breathed. Holding Leo’s hand like an anchor on shore. He put his Nerds in the side pocket and made no move to touch them either.
“Are we ready to go?” Splinter asked, hopping in the driver's seat with his extended foot grips.
“Born ready, Pops!” Mikey cheered.
“My, Raphael, you’ve gotten shorter.” Splinter said.
“I begged him to switch.” Mikey said, in a baby brother whine. “April’s podcasts are too scary!”
“And Raphael will like them better?” Splinter said, with skepticism.
“As long as it’s not true crime then Raph just finds it funny.” April shrugged. “Mikey, if you’re being copilot for Splints then you’re gonna have to navigate because he doesn’t know where he’s going.”
“A Hamato is never lost.” Splinter announced.
“We sometimes just don’t know where we are.” Mikey added. “Just text me the address and I’ll fulfill that ‘never lost’ part of the prophecy with Google Maps.
“Sounds like a plan.” April gave a double thumbs up. Then she glanced back at the twins. “Do you two need anything else? Are you sure you don’t want to get out and stretch your legs?”
Donnie tightened his already bruising grip on Leo’s hand as if his brother was going to get up without warning.
Leo responded by folding his other set of fingers, even though they were still otherwise impeded by the splint on that side, squeezing with both in return. He said to April, “It’s not that long of a drive, we’ll wait till we get where we’re going.”
April raised her eyebrow, because it was at least five hours. But she didn’t argue, blowing them all kisses and pulling shut the sliding door.
Donnie didn’t really want to be moving anymore, but the van started and rolled along anyway. A slightly motion sick sensation was taking over and he returned to staring at their intertwined fingers to cope. He wanted this to stop. He wanted to change his mind and take it back and return to home where — where —
Where what? Where he stared at the mouth of his bedroom door and waited for it to illuminate red? Where he hid from everyone and hoped that he just would spontaneously become someone who could cope with being alive? Where none of the familiarities of home did anything to soothe his hurts, only reminded him over and over that he’d become an alien in his own home?
Donnie didn’t look away from Leo’s hand in his. He could go anywhere as long as that was the case. He’d follow him to hell, but hopefully this would be a bit nicer.
In his peripherals, the flash of each individual telephone pole, the hover of cars as Splinter manoeuvred the passing lane and Mikey commented on the surrounding driving skills as if he had any authority. The rocking motion of the car was seriously making him sick to his stomach.
Leo squeezed, and Donnie reluctantly flickered his gaze up to meet his, already expecting exactly what he received. A questioning look, are you okay?
Donnie shook his head minutely.
“Should we stop?” Leo whispered.
What would stopping change? It wouldn’t bring them closer to their destination. It wouldn’t make this trip over with any faster. His preferred state was Very Still Until This Was Over and that included not stopping the car and not —
The van lurched at the seam of a bridge and made Donnie’s stomach drop through the floor. All the blood left his face and his whole body felt red hot.
“Dad, can you pull over?” Leo asked loudly.
“Yes?” Splinter replied, question in his voice, but obeying without waiting for further information. As soon as they reached the other side of the bridge the van pulled off onto the shoulder.
Leo yanked open the sliding door just in time for Donnie to push his way past and collapse to his knees in the grass to allow the rolling stomach to hurdle off the cliff and puke on the side of the road like he was living some kind of nightmare.
It burned and his eyes stung. He hacked and coughed and definitely the tears were from exertion and nothing else.
“Oh, my Purple.” Splinter said, somewhere to the left, solemn.
Donnie felt like a frayed wire and vulnerable and he knew it was dad and yet could not stop the jump of electric shock that snapped at Splinter’s fingers where he reached out to soothe.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” Donnie gasped, strings of bile from his lips, absolutely mortified that he would do that to his own father that Donnie wanted his affection always. Especially when sick and scared. But something was broken broken broken inside him and the threat alarm refused to stop ringing. Vulnerable and not safe and —
“No, that is on me, my dearest son. I knew better, I forgot in the face of you in such distress. I will not do it again.” Splinter replied, firm and seemingly unhurt.
Donnie stared at the mess he’d made in the grass. Cars whizzed past quick and creating little wind pockets over and over to batter him. He hugged his stomach hard and shut his stinging eyes.
“It’s me.” Leo muttered, then a gentle hand rubbed the back of his neck. Donnie shivered and leaned into the touch. It wasn’t that he didn’t want this from his dad. He just didn’t know where to begin fixing what broke.
The thought that his body was denying comfort from his father made him furious but there was absolutely nothing he could do that would fix it. He was helpless in this stupid uncooperative body and wanted to tear his skin off in small flaking chunks. He wanted to exist outside of a physical form that obeyed his commands and didn’t get fucking motion sick. How pathetic was that? After everything he’d been through? He could taunt with blood on his teeth at a monster trying to strangle him to death but he couldn’t stand the rocking motion of a car that he had no control over? Weak, pathetic pest.
He shuddered with unwanted emotions. The anchor of Leo’s hand on his neck. He didn’t want to think of what he’d be without it — dead? By Prime’s hand? By his own? A plaything? An incomplete pair?
The despair at hearing his dad say he ‘will not do it again’ which wasn’t what he wanted at all. But it was. But it wasn’t. Welcome to your new hell, there is no exit.
The loud too-close traffic was too much. Donnie didn’t want to be here anymore. He reached blindly for Leo who reached back, helping him to his feet.
“You sure you’re good now? We can stay a bit longer.” Leo said, pinch between his brow, obviously reading something on Donnie’s face that he was still precariously close to losing it again.
Donnie insistently climbed back inside the van, hand twitching out at his side at the cacophony of discomforts — the taste in his mouth, the way his stomach sat heavy at the back of his tongue, the horrible knowledge that this misery was only going to continue, etc etc. Leo followed, hands out, watching his face like a hawk. “How we doing, Vomitello?”
Donnie cut him an annoyed glare that said, ‘I’ll vomit on you don’t try me’.
“I hear ya.” Leo reached over and pulled Donnie’s seat belt on for him. “Come ‘ere.”
Donnie did not hesitate to lay his head in Leo’s lap, curling up on his side. He shut his eyes to the spinning scenery outside and focused only on the thing he could trust.
“Yeah, you’re good to go.” Leo said over his head, as someone shut the sliding door. “I’ve got him, promise. We’ll let you know if we need to stop again.”
But they didn’t. Donnie laid very very still in Leo’s lap and endured the car ride like it was far larger of a trial than it was. Mikey passed down some earplugs and Donnie put them in gratefully, the sudden cut of constant noise helping immensely. He could almost pretend —
Wow. Donnie really just thought, he could almost pretend it was just the two of them in a cave with nothing but ringing silence. How fucked up was that?
Maybe there was no returning to normal. Maybe fucked up was all he had left.
The regular, predictable motion of Leo’s head above him as he scanned the distant sight line over and over told Donnie at least he wouldn’t be alone in that. It wasn't as comforting, because the idea of something snapped inside Leo made him a little off balance and scared. Not his anchor, his compass, his lifeline. Leo was his morality, his sanity, there was a lurch in Donnie’s stomach that wasn’t from the motion of the car when he considered that Leo was probably shattered in a way that could not be repaired. Just like him.
Fuck.
They turned off the highway a few long hours later, judging by the switch from smooth eerie motion on pavement to the rattle rattle thunk of a dirt road.
Donnie reluctantly opened his eyes, twisting to look at Leo above him. His twin was still watching the horizon, but his stare had gone cold. As if there was frost crawling up his neck towards his flat mouth.
The desolation in that made Donnie’s sensitive stomach clench, flashing memories he didn’t want to have like a photo negative over everything. His sharper inhale had Leo turning down and immediately softening. Not blunting the edges of the ice in his expression, more like placing a carefully crafted replica directly in front.
Donnie still had earplugs in, so Leo mouthed clearly, ‘Having fun?’
It was hard to know that destroyed emotion was underneath the surface of all Leo's intent care, pushing it aside. Instead of answering the question, Donnie took out an earplug and reached up a shaky hand to press his thumb into the corner of Leo’s lying mouth.
“I’m just fine, stupid.” Leo said, exaggerated, and Donnie felt the pull of the individual muscles as he tried so hard to be reassuring.
Donnie signed back, hands feeling too big and floppy, ‘Stupid’.
“Stupid squared, that’s us.” Leo grinned at him. At least he agreed.
The rumble-roll of wheels on gravel. Donnie reluctantly looked out the window and saw huge sprawling sycamore trees, swaying green grass, and a moderate overcast sky. It didn’t feel like anything in particular to see, churning something unfamiliar and uncertain.
Donnie said, somehow, around the sheer cotton his mouth had become, “Did you know there are sycamore trees alive today that are more than three hundred years old?”
Leo’s shoulders relaxed and he grabbed the hand that Donnie still had pressing against his mouth, pulling it away with a squeeze. “Well, I do now, Dontron.”
“Maybe Dad planted them.” Mikey chimed in from the front, all sly innocent littlest energy.
“Excuse me, I am right here.” Splinter said, delightfully mixed with gruff and amused.
Donnie kept his gaze on the enormous trees with their impossibly large trunks, and thought, what have you survived?
The GPS yammered now that Donnie didn’t have his earplugs in. It seemed unnecessary, considering they were following close behind April’s Subaru. They branched off the side road onto another side road, and Donnie kept guessing which was going to be their stop incorrectly — the pink roof? The one directly on the lake? The one with huge sunflowers?
It was none of those — instead they twisted down behind the swallowing trees and a hidden farmhouse emerged. Bushes that may have been for azaleas if they were in bloom lined the driveway, which had hand painted rocks of many sizes in a hundred colours. The farmhouse had a main building and a couple outbuildings to the side, all of it lined with elaborate Christmas lights despite the fact that it was firmly late spring-early summer.
“Woah!” Mikey said, enthused, eyes round and taking the whole thing in. He leaned forward against his seatbelt to see better.
Donnie kinda wanted to hate it on principle since it wasn’t home, but it actually did look really nice. He squirmed uncomfortably, pushing to sit up properly and inspect out the windows, trying to find the flaws to justify how he felt.
“We’re really gonna be allowed to stay here?” Leo said, a little wry and self deprecating.
“Yes. Because it is a restful getaway that we have all earned.” Splinter said, parking the van beside April’s Subaru and turning to look at them in the back seat. “We all want this to be nice for you, so please inform someone if anything isn’t working.”
“Course, Pops.” Leo smiled, while Donnie thought something far more uncharitable. It must’ve read on his face, because Splinter gave him a lingering glance. But then the sliding door pulled open.
“Come on in, you guys!” April bounced all nervous energy on her heels, gesturing towards the farmhouse.
Donnie knew he was the one insisted they come, and Leo had a remarkable amount of grace not to point that out as he looked encouraging in the face of Donnie’s obvious hesitation.
“Could be worse.” Leo said, letting the morbid weight of the joke fall between them. A cold damp cave floor with nothing but burlap scraps and a metric ton of trauma awaiting.
“Could be worse.” Donnie agreed, a dark smile twinging the corner of his lips. He accepted Leo’s offered hand and let him rise out of the backseat and into the breeze. His feet solidly on the grass, practically ducking behind Leo before his mind calmed down that there wasn’t a threat.
“We’re good.” Leo said, voice steady and calm, even though he was scouting the perimeter himself in sly flicks of his eyes back and forth.
“We’re lukewarm at best.” Donnie snarled.
“Fine, then we’re lukewarm, whatever.” Leo rolled his eyes and juggled to take the forearm crutches from Mikey and hand them to Donnie.
“Raphie and I can get all the stuff inside, you guys can go look around.” Mikey assured them, nodding earnestly.
“You heard the man.” Leo said, glancing expectantly over at his twin. “Wanna go look around?”
Donnie chewed on his lip, balancing unsteadily on the crutches, not really wanting to do anything but curl up in a ball. His stomach was a fickle and precarious thing and if he wasn’t careful it’d make its displeasure with the situation known again.
He hadn’t said anything, but Leo’s searching eyes read it on his face anyway. He smiled, all reassurance, and said, “Let’s go take a look at our room, hey? April said she’s given us one on the main floor so you don’t have to limp up the stairs.”
Donnie gave a jerky nod. Leo stayed close enough to catch him if he tripped, even with one arm splinted, and they crossed the grass to the front porch. Only two steps that Donnie hobbled up, smelling the tangled wild grass and whiff of pollen. It was an overload of sensation that should’ve been pleasant and instead felt more like someone was pouring a bucket of slime over his head.
“Where are we moving to, Apes?” Leo called over his shoulder, hand firm on Donnie’s shell, guiding him inside.
“Second door on the left!” April called back.
Donnie had one moment to think, ‘clocks much?’ before he was ushered down the hall and into the second door on the left, covered in children’s stickers.
Inside, two single beds perpendicular to each other, with handmade crochet blankets and patchwork quilts. Donnie ignored both in honour of choosing a corner to put his back against, and curled up in a very small ball.
Leo stood in the middle of the room, hovering. Then he methodically opened every drawer and inspected every inch of the closet. Donnie put his hands over his ears and his face into his knees, releasing the tight spring that was holding him in place and rocking back and forth.
“We puking again?” Leo asked, conversationally, as if this was in any way something they had mutual stake in.
Donnie responded by thudding his fist blindly against his own thigh, not really an answer.
“Keep me updated.” Leo said. He kept looking around, but there was something in his voice — weak.
Donnie’s head snapped up like a bloodhound scenting trouble and saw how his twin had grabbed the corner of the bedside table with white knuckled grip, squinting and turning his face away from the light.
“Are you about to put the ‘we’ in ‘we puking again’?” Donnie voiced, throat rasping but watching carefully. It felt as if Leo would turn his head and there would be a fountain of blood down the red stripe of his face again.
“No…” Leo said, and it was horribly vague. He was blinking rapidly.
“Hey.” Donnie spoke up, a bit more of a command. “Can you sit down for me?”
“You’re the one…” Leo shook his head and visibly looked like he regretted the action.
“Nardo, sit down.” Donnie ordered.
Leo sat. Right there on the floor, lowering himself down careful with the grip he had on the wooden edge of the bedside table. He vocalized, thready, “I’m fine.”
The tremble said otherwise. Donnie surveyed the room — the overhead light wasn’t even on, it was the sun pouring in through the open window. Donnie felt stretched like taffy but he always had strength for Leo — he knew now exactly what it felt like to be a breath away from dying but still pull from that well and take another step, pick up the sword and try again — and just like that, he staggered out of the corner to wrenched the curtains shut and bathe the room in darkness.
A momentary skip-jump of fear at the unknown void, brushed aside when he crawled forward to join his twin where he’d ended up on the carpeted floor. Soft individual fibres between his fingers. Leo was clutching both sides of his head and breathing heavy. It must’ve really hurt, to tear down his performance like that.
“You did it, L.” Donnie whispered. “You made sure we got here safe. You did so good. It’s okay now. I’m okay now. You can take a minute.”
“I can’t.” Leo scratched out, chalky and harsh.
“And yet you are.” Donnie tried to sound calm, even as he couldn’t stop shaking either. Leo had held such a perfect control up to this point, it was up to Donnie to pick up the slack.
Even though it was horribly obvious how much Leo hated this turning of roles. He managed, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I just need a second. It’s just a little headache. Don’t — don’t push aside your shit for me.”
If the lights were on, Leo could’ve seen how Donnie exasperatedly pretended to rattle him. Instead he voiced out loud, “Do me a huge favour and shut the fuck up, Leon. How long has your head hurt?”
Even without an inch of light, Donnie could feel the sickly smug silent reply of, ‘how am I supposed to answer when you just told me to shut the fuck up?’
“Answer the question.” Donnie said, dry as bone.
“Not long.” Leo audibly swallowed. “I just — it’s not that bad.”
Literally the fact that Donnie had been capable of seeing the pain written all over Leo said it was that bad and maybe even worse. Especially if he was pushing through because Donnie was struggling.
“Just kinda hard to focus.” Leo admitted, which really said it all.
“Dizzy?” Donnie asked.
“Mm. More like. Someone took my brain and shook it really hard.”
“I have some unfortunate news for you, bro.”
That earned a morbid laugh. Leo went, “Yeah, alright, walked into that one. I just mean like… scrambled. Kinda gushy. It’s not bad it’s just hard to like, you know, deal with.”
“Actually, that is bad, by my definition.” Donnie sought out Leo’s hand and held it in both of his, pressing his thumb into the pulse point. As he thought, Leo’s heart was a racehorse despite his attempt at a chill tone. He repeated, stubborn, “How long?”
“Since this morning.” Leo muttered. “I woke up like this.”
Donnie pressed his thumb in harder and more insistently. “Woke up implies you actually fell asleep, Leo.”
Silence in response. Guilty and shadowed.
There was a gentle tap on the door.
“Don’t.” Leo mumbled, just a little strangled.
“Alright?” April said from the other side.
“Give us a minute.” Donnie called.
“You get five before I’m coming in anyway.”
Leo sighed. April’s footsteps went away. Donnie said, “What’s the plan?”
“Just give me five to collect myself and I’ll be alright.” Leo insisted.
“No.”
“No?”
“No, you’re staying in this dark room and resting. I'll go explain to April.”
It seemed impossible that the rabbit pulse under his finger could go faster. “No, dude, you’re overreacting. It’s all good here, prommy.”
“I’ve never overreacted in my life. Don’t fact check that. Actually, never mind, I’m not wrong about this. I’m never wrong about you. Go lie down. Please.”
A long moment. Then Leo muttered, “Only because you said please,” and shuffled up. Without the physical feedback of Leo’s pulse pounding against his fingertips, the darkness seemed consuming and total. He ignored how his own body began to prickle in leftover fear and shuffled over to the door.
Donnie quickly opened and stepped out, not wanting to let the light in. There was a millisecond of stillness, then the entire universe crashed down on Donnie at once. Panic was an instant slam, like being rammed into rocks or tauntingly strangled. There was a closed door between them. Leo was alone in the dark.
Fuck.
Donnie came back inside and shut the door.
“That was quick.” Leo’s voice said, from the direction of the bed.
But Donnie couldn’t respond as his throat had closed. Any level of control he’d scrounged up to help his twin dissolved into thin air and returned him back to the useless state he’d been in before. Scared, rapid breathing was the only response he gave.
“Ah.” Leo voiced, immediately understanding. “Well, come on over. There’s not really room for two but we’ll make it work.”
They’d have to pull the other bed across the room, but there wasn’t time for that now. Donnie limped on the leg he wasn’t meant to be walking on and blindly found the arms already reaching out for him. Leo engulfed him tightly, giving the kind of squeeze that could plant him back inside his body.
There was little point in pretending to be something he wasn’t now, and Donnie desperately snuggled his twin close. Holding on insanely tight, scared and uncomfortable and trying to reset all the things that were wrong with the immediate physical feedback alone.
“Breathe.” Leo reminded, voice small.
Donnie breathed. Leo breathed. That was the most important thing. Everything else could come second.
The wavering intensity began to wane just at the point where April knocked on the door again. It had definitely been longer than five minutes. She said, “Ready, you two?”
Donnie tapped Leo’s arm and got up, trying to untangle the wires of their limbs.
“I could—“ Leo began, but Donnie shushed him.
He remembered the crutches he abandoned, because people didn’t like it when he ran around on the injured leg, and opened the door just enough to see his sister.
“Donnie.” April greeted, with audible surprise in her voice.
“Leo’s head hurts.” Donnie explained, low. “We’re gonna hang out in this dark room for a bit.”
“He seemed okay earlier.” April said, concerned.
“Yeah, well.” Donnie didn’t feel like he wanted to explain how much Leo lied right now.
“Alright.” April said slowly, and held out her hands. Donnie realized she was passing the candy she’d brought them, and carefully took it.
“Thanks.” Donnie was careful not to touch her. He wasn’t sure now at what point the electric ninpo activated and felt very gun-shy about interacting with anyone who wasn’t Leo.
“Is there anything else you need right now?” April prompted, direct and ready.
Donnie automatically glanced back into the dark room, but he couldn’t make out more than Leo covering his face from the light in a lump on the bed. What they probably needed was something to drink, and he was certainly capable of walking to a sink and getting it… but that would mean leaving Leo. It seemed ridiculous to hesitate asking such a small favour, but he did. Then plowed through his discomfort for Leo’s sake and said, “Can you bring us some water?”
“Yes.” April replied, prompt and firm. “Anything else?”
Donnie shook his head. There wasn’t anything else, not right now. He was still shaking at the drain of adrenaline and feeling like he’d been put in a rock tumbler at high spin. He just needed everything to slow down right now.
Mikey’s giggle echoed down the hall, exclaiming at something he’d spotted. Raph’s heavy footsteps as he carried things inside. The smell of Splinter already making tea. Casey peeked around the corner and April shooed him away behind her back without turning her head.
“I’ll be right back with that. Thanks for asking.” April gave him a smile. It felt weird to see for some reason.
Donnie slipped back into the room with the candy in his sweaty palms. He dropped it on the bedside table in the dark, a rattle of the tiny candies, and crawled back up beside Leo.
“I could go back out there.” Leo said, but it was pretty unconvincing when he didn’t move his arm away from covering his eyes.
“Mhm.” Donnie replied, letting him hear the disbelief.
A minute later April snuck in the room quick, not opening the door too wide.
“Hiya boys.” April whispered. “Where do you want it?”
“Here.” Donnie rasped, and helpfully used his phone light to point at the bedside table.
April placed two bottles down. She said, “How about you, Leo? Anything you want?”
“I think if we could put my brain in one of those laundry wringers it would fix me.” Leo said, a charming-lie of ease in his tone.
“I’ll get right on that.” April snorted. “Bathrooms down the hall. Mikey’s gonna make French toast for breakfast, and apparently you’ve got a visitor coming first thing in the morning. So get settled for now and we’ll see what tomorrow brings.”
“We’ll see what tomorrow brings.” Leo agreed in his best liar voice.
April left, shutting the door behind her. Donnie reached for a water bottle and said, “Shall I boil it?”
Leo snorted. “That’s a terrible joke.”
Who said he was joking? Donnie cracked the seal and offered it to his twin. “You go first then.”
“Must we make this a constant battle?” Leo said, weary even as he took the bottle.
“Only as long as you keep fighting me on it.” Donnie shrugged.
Leo sighed. He took a sip. Donnie watched the make sure the water content went down. And neither of them touched the candy.
Chapter Text
In the morning there was French toast. Getting to the morning was far more of a battle than Donnie wanted. Leo obviously hadn’t slept the night previous and kept having hissed arguments everytime Donnie tried to suggest he might sleep. They stayed in that darkness — not moving the second bed close enough to use and not gathering any of their possessions that Raph had stacked outside their door.
In the end, neither of them slept, which was such a fucking stupid outcome but whatever. Donnie scrolled his phone, having moved on from flicking back and forth on apps to staring at news articles about the invasion until the words to swum and at one point finding himself googling synonyms for ‘pest’. He closed that one quick before Leo read it over his shoulder.
But in the morning there was French toast. Leo shoved Donnie’s crutches at him and fearlessly turned on the light, braving through the squint of his eyes as if daring Donnie to call his bluff.
Donnie made them stop to pull in a suitcase and find something comfy to wear, as his skin was writhing from all the unfamiliar everything. He didn’t find the silk robe he was looking for, but did find one of Leo’s blue hoodies, with the seam of the pocket ripped from everyone else stealing it.
“What am I supposed to wear?” Leo asked, which was a joke.
“You can have one of my sweaters.” Donnie offered out the dark purple pullover that was on the top of the pile and he had immediately discarded as an option as the fuzzy texture was currently not allowed.
“We’re really not winning the codependent accusations here.” Leo said, accepting the offered sweater and putting it on.
“There’s a reason for that.” Donnie replied, dry, and got the forearm crutches back in his grip before straightening up. “Before we go and argue in front of everyone, are you going to eat this French toast?”
“Of course.” Leo said, irritatingly blank, as if it was obvious.
Donnie levelled him an unimpressed stare, his flawless eyebrows doing a lot of work.
“Why did you ask the question if you’re not even going to believe the answer?” Leo bemoaned, annoyed.
“Why do you answer if you’re only going to lie?” Donnie shot back.
The door opened and a very tired-looking Raph peeked in. He said, “Alright?”
“Yup.” Leo plastered on a smile, straightening up.
There was obvious skepticism on his face — he must’ve heard them arguing. When Raph turned a raised brow to Donnie in question, he doubled down on the defense and said, voice just a little too high to be completely honest, “We’re fine.”
“Mikey says breakfast is almost ready.” Raph reported, the sigh not dampened enough to be missed. He gestured them forward. “Come on, if you’re not arguing again.”
Donnie bit his tongue instead of attempting another lie no one else would believe. Leo kept his bulletproof smile, stepping forward to hold the door open for Donnie to hobble through on his crutches.
His momentary note yesterday of ‘clocks much’ became far more apparent as they entered the kitchen. It was a gorgeous room, with more counter-space than anyone could ever need, surrounded by bright windows letting the pink morning sun in, and at least a hundred different gimmicky clocks on the walls.
“What’s with the clocks?” Leo asked, the easiest icebreaker of all time because yeah, what the hell.
“My grandpa collects clocks.” April said, without turning around where she was stirring a huge pitcher of orange juice. “We’ve established it’s weird already — don’t worry, my grandma made him disable them so you’re not about to go insane listening to the ticking.”
It was an extremely visually interesting room at least. Donnie rode through the anxiety of sitting in a semi public space again by tilting his head around looking at as many clocks as he could. Old time grandfather clocks. Digital ones with huge numbers, frozen at various random times. Coo-coo clocks, still with the bird sticking out. The only clock actually running was hanging above the main shelf in the kitchen, a Garfield clock with the swinging tail. It was seven AM, according to the sleepy cat.
“You said last night we have a visitor coming, right?” Leo asked April, apparently not caring about the impressive clock collection and leaning his chin in palm as he spoke to their sister.
Donnie had completely forgotten she’d said that and was surprised that even in his blinding headache his twin had remembered. Donnie hadn’t spared it a second thought, figuring it was probably Draxum or something. But that wouldn’t require a statement like that.
“Oh!” Mikey swung around, looking at Donnie. “Todd wants to bring you a present!”
“Todd?” Leo echoed, a little incredulous. Donnie raised an eyebrow in agreement.
“I dunno.” Mikey flipped a piece of toast on the griddle with a satisfying hiss of batter. “But he was pretty insistent, and you know it’s hard to say no to him. It’s fine, he won’t stay long, just wants to bring you something.”
Donnie and Leo exchanged a loaded glance. It contained an entire conversation.
“Yeah, I guess.” Leo said, wary.
“Great!” Mikey said, with a little steel that was telling them that was the right answer. “Did you know there’s blueberry bushes nearby? Casey went and picked some for your French toast.”
“Hey, thanks Casey.” Leo said, accepting the bowl of washed blueberries from the kid on the other side of the table.
Donnie did know that there was blueberries — it was one of the things that Leo had been so envious of April getting to spend her summers here. So it hurt in a staticky way when Leo didn’t actually spare the berries another glance, setting them to the side and not sneaking a few in his mouth like he would’ve in the past.
Infuriating. Donnie sent him a spikey glare that said, dude. Leo’s response was slightly narrowed eyes, and a head tipped towards Raph who was on the other side of the table. Not here, not in front of them.
The threat of being separated for their own good loomed, if they kept biting each other's heads off in front of everyone. Donnie fumed quietly, watching as Splinter stumbled in wearing his robe, as April poured everyone juice, and Mikey distributed out French toast on all the plates. There was a cheery bouquet of sunflowers in the middle of the table with a card that read, ‘thank you so much for housesitting April baby, help yourself to anything you find and call if you need anything else xo!’
There was a fearful lump in Donnie’s throat that didn’t go away, not for all the pink dabbled sunlight, not for the whiff of sunflowers and sugar, not for the washing chatter of loved ones surrounding him — not even for Leo reaching to grab his hand under the table and squeezing really hard.
Donnie leaned over to whisper in Leo’s ear, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
The fearful nerves were prickling and moving and feeling like he might just burst from the overwhelming power. He didn’t even know what was wrong, it was just all wrong. It was right in every possible way it could have been, and it could not feel more wrong.
Leo leaned in so they switched and he could whisper in Donnie’s ear, “We can leave if you want.”
But the statement fell flat. They both knew it would break Mikey’s heart, that Raph was already watching the whispers with a deep furrow between his brows, the fact that neither of them touched their food had April’s leg tapping despite the ribbing she was giving Splinter about his raggedy robe.
“One second at a time.” Leo promised. “See if it gets easier.”
Donnie breathed. He stared down the French toast in front of him. Leo very helpfully began to prepare it exactly to Donnie’s taste. A sprinkle of powdered sugar, with syrup on the side to dunk in.
Leo’s own French toast sat unadorned, so Donnie dragged it over and returned the favour, fulfilling Leo’s usual drown of syrup complete with whipped cream and blueberries. There would be no sharing of this breakfast plate, not with their opposite tastes. They traded plates back. Donnie cut a piece, setting it on his fork, and then waited expectantly. Looking at his twin. His stomach sat at the back of his throat, not eager to eat either but damn it THIS IS WHAT THEY WERE GONNA DO. TOGETHER.
Leo put French toast on the end of his fork with a long-suffering air, and they had a momentary staring contest of who was going to eat first.
Neither of them did. The stalemate held. Donnie felt a hot bubble of frustration pop and he scowled.
“Is it okay?” Mikey asked, cutting into the battle with calculated innocence.
Leo inhaled sharply through his nose. He smiled, the one that looked like a plastic Halloween mask, and said, “Course, Mikes. We’re just…”
Donnie gave him a judgmental look, because they were just what? Was he going to try and blame it on Donnie again? Because if so, he would start biting.
“Just give us time.” Leo said eventually, a little lamely. But at least not getting into any of the details.
“As long as you both eat, it doesn’t matter how long it takes.” Mikey replied.
“Heard, chef.” Leo muttered, and raised his fork at Donnie. A speared piece of hot sweet syrup French toast and a blueberries on the tines.
Donnie followed the movement. He waited for the fake out, but luckily they both ate together. If Leo had swerved away at the last second, he might’ve throttled him.
It did take time, because the sticky sweetness clogged his throat and he had to sip at the orange juice to coax it down. A lingering soreness made the experience hard, like each swallow was fighting back against hands on his throat. Ouch.
They were still picking away at the French toast, bite for bite in mirror, long after everyone else was done. And long enough that there was a cheery honking outside before they’d finished.
“Wonder who that is.” Leo said, sarcastic. He was far too eager to abandon his half-eaten breakfast, standing and glancing out the side windows.
Donnie was abruptly confronted with the reality of having to interact with another person when he was obviously struggling even with the people he already had. He shot alarmed eyes at Leo.
The slider smiled, reassuring and automatic, and it said, I’ll take the lead don’t even worry your little purple head. Leo handed him his crutches and squeezed his arm, heading out the kitchen door first and holding it open for him.
“Hey everyone!” Todd hopped out of his van, the short stature toddling over with that big toothy smile.
“Glad you found the place okay.” April said, stepping out onto the porch. “Hope the drive was alright.”
“I’m always down for an early morning cruise!” Todd said, beaming.
The twins reluctantly came down the porch steps onto the grass, their family behind them.
“And I’m so glad to see you guys are okay!” Todd exclaimed, coming with his arms out and —
Donnie had spent a lot of time with Todd in the past. It totally made sense that the guy would approach him for a hug after something terrible happened. But in that moment, everyone around him reacted as if Todd was stepping on a bear trap. Raph gasped and reached forward, too far away on the porch, while Mikey and April winced.
It was Leo of course who intervened, stepping smoothly between Todd and Donnie and giving a glass smile, hand out, “Woah, slow your roll. Hi Todd, it’s good to see you too.”
Then offered himself for a hug instead, as if the fucker was the martyr for awkward social interactions too. Though it may have saved the poor guy from getting fried, as Donnie still was unsure what situations triggered his defensive ninpo or not.
“Thanks buddy!” Todd didn’t seem to mind the hug redirection, giving Leo a warm squeeze. “I brought you two a present! As soon as I heard you folks were gonna be on a farm, I knew exactly what you needed!”
“Okay…?” Leo said, obviously not picking up what was about to happen.
But Donnie had spent more time with Todd and said in a dry deadpan, “There’s a dog in that van isn’t there.”
“A farmdog!” Todd said, bright sunny smile.
“A farmdog.” Leo repeated, with no particular inflection.
“Come, come, she’s so excited to meet you two!” Todd dragged Leo by the hand over the grass, gesturing impatiently for Donnie to follow.
Which he hesitated uncertainly, wary that if a dog were to jump on him if he’d be shocking some poor innocent creature. He came a little closer but let Leo stay between him and the van, sure that his twin would stop anything from getting past him.
Todd rolled back the van door and said, “Here’s my sweet girl, her name is Chocolate Covered Bananas!”
“That is a mouthful.” Donnie said, monotone, watching as the dog perked up at the sound of her name.
She was a border collie, maybe a year or two old at her full size but still that shiny baby coat. It was a rich brown all over her top and a yellow-white underside, her white paws already a little muddy. One ear was propped up and the other down, looking around inquisitively, a pink tongue hanging out.
“She’s so excited to join the farm life, every farm house needs a farm dog!” Todd told them, enthusiastic.
Leo held his hand out slowly for her to inspect, watching her face.
Chocolate Covered Bananas gave him a sniff, and after a moment, a gentle lick.
“Aw.” Leo said, and curved his hand to smooth over her brown head, with a small white stripe down the middle of her muzzle.
Oh damn it, they were going to have to keep the dog, just from the softness on Leo’s face. Donnie very carefully approached and stood behind his twin, keeping him between as a buffer, and said, “Hello Chocolate Covered Bananas.”
“You’re right, that is a mouthful.” Mikey fearlessly appeared on the other side and reached in the mouth of the van to give her a scratch. “Would you answer to Banana?”
“She can’t answer anything, she’s a dog.” Donnie replied.
The smile that lit Mikey’s face could’ve powered a solar panel. He bounced on his heels and said, “Aw, D, come on! Maybe Todd’s started manufacturing talking dogs now.”
“No talking yet.” Todd winked, and reached into the van to draw Banana out by her brown leash. “She likes running in the grass and barking at birds, I figured she was perfect for you guys.”
Todd handed Leo the leash, as the agile border collie leapt from the van and settled beside him. Leo looked down at her shimmering fur in the rising morning sun, then looked at Donnie.
When they were kids, Leo had asked Splinter for a pet dog for Christmas every single year. The best they were gifted was Piebald, which was definitively not the same thing. Leo had constructed a flawless wall of ‘whatever you want works for me’ but Donnie didn’t have to see the want to know it was there. Or at least... he hoped it was still somewhere underneath.
Donnie shrugged. It meant, sure, why not.
“Thank you, Todd.” Leo said, wrapping her leash around his wrist. “She’s a wonderful present, we appreciate it.”
“You are so welcome!” Todd said, glancing at Donnie. He provided a stilted nod to confirm that his twin spoke for both of them.
“That’s so awesome.” Mikey crouched to pet her, grinning at Todd, “Do you want to come in for some French toast?”
“Oh, I couldn’t!” Todd replied, and then of course did come inside with Mikey to have ‘just a piece’. Everyone else followed, except for Raph who stayed on the porch, leaning over the railing.
Donnie stayed a careful distance from Leo and the dog, balancing on his crutches and watching with a wary eye.
“Do you wanna try pet her?” Leo asked, giving her soft ears a ruffle. She panted that pink tongue, giving a very blank look otherwise.
“No.” Donnie said, blunt, inching back on his heels. If you shocked a small dog like that, would it stop her heart?
“Can I?” Raph said, from the deck.
“Course, big guy.” Leo moved aside a little to give him room, and Raph came down the steps to greet her.
“Hi babygirl.” Raph cooed and cradled her face, hand almost larger than her head. There was no fear at him being large or green, just a swish of her tail wagging against the grass. “She’s lovely. That was nice of Todd.”
“Yeah.” Leo agreed, but it fell a little flat. He was glancing at Donnie again. “Hey — could you take her inside for us? We’ll be right there.”
Raph glanced backwards, following his gaze line to where Donnie was scratching his inner elbow and caught himself before it gave him away more.
Their oldest brother hesitated longer. He said, “You guys … nevermind. Yeah, give her here.”
The leash traded hands. Banana trotted beside Raph without question and into her new home.
“Todd could still take her back, he hasn’t left yet.” Leo said, absolutely no judgment in his voice.
“At what point did I say I didn’t want her?” Donnie complained, because he hadn't.
“Come on.” Leo replied, and it was supposed to mean, I can see it all over you.
“I do want her.” Donnie stated, clear and true, because he did. He wanted Leo to finally get the puppy he’d asked Santa for ten consecutive years. And beyond the addition of more change and the potential sensory issues that could arise with a canine; Donnie liked the idea of having a dog. It was just… “I don’t know if I can touch her. Is all.”
Leo gifted Donnie with a tender look that was far beyond what he could cope with right now. He said, calm and sure, “You will be able to. This isn’t forever.”
“Isn’t it?” Donnie muttered darkly, rubbing the back of his neck and very pointedly not meeting his eye.
Unfortunately that was not allowed to fly, and Leo stepped close enough to lean into his sight line, smiling encouragingly. “Of course it’s not. Come on, don’t you remember the applesauce thing?”
Donnie did remember the applesauce thing. He’d crawled underneath the kitchen table to cry after he’d been sick and his sensitive stomach only allowed him to eat applesauce for two weeks straight. Leo had crawled in after him and once he’d determined through the sobs what was wrong, promised that his body would eventually allow him to eat other food again. And it had.
“What if it doesn’t this time?” Donnie flexed his hands open and closed at his sides, rigid and robotic.
“Have I ever been wrong?” Leo asked, charm and reassurance.
“Literally yes, many times.”
“Have I ever been wrong about you?” Leo tried again.
The amount of times it felt like Leo understood Donnie’s emotions better than he did himself was absolutely infuriating. It took the wind out of his sails a bit. “I just want it to be better now.”
Leo chuckled, and gave his arm a squeeze. It reminded Donnie how when he had hid under the table and pleaded this exact same desire to stop having to deal with it anymore, Raph had followed and bonked his head on the short height, giving him a deep pressure hug to help quell the tears, and a wide eyed Mikey offered to cook anything he wanted.
Donnie wished they were here now too. Even though it was kind of the whole problem. He was staring at what he wanted but couldn’t let it any closer. The paradox of his infuriating mind and body. He wanted to scream.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Donnie mumbled, feeling like he was made of electricity right now, alive and so very uncomfortably aware of it. Vibrating molecules.
Something funny flickered over Leo’s face, and he said, “You’re not choosing to hurt anyone, don’t worry. You’ll get it sorted out. Until then, I’ll make sure nothing happens.”
“How?” Donnie twisted his mouth up, glancing over at the warm and inviting farmhouse. Through the windows, Todd was graciously accepting a plate and Banana was resting her little chin on his knee hopefully.
“Trust me. I always take care of you, don’t I?” Leo said.
Donnie wished that he couldn’t remember the way it felt when Leo’s foot stepped on his wounded leg. He flinched.
And he wished that they didn’t know each other better than breathing, that Leo didn’t need two miliseconds of that expression to know exactly what Donnie was thinking, the return of something terrible and vulnerable and raw — until Leo disengaged his touch and stepped away and gave a smile.
“Leo —“ Donnie began, frantic damage control, but it didn’t matter. You couldn’t damage control a ship after it had already sunk.
“Come on.” Leo sounded so normal, it was haunting. “We should go finish our breakfast.”
As if that was a normal Leo statement in the slightest right now. Donnie didn’t know what to do, because it was all unspoken, it was all just layers and layers of twins knowing each other inside out, knowing each other too well. Donnie’s breath caught a ragged edge, and the happy dog inside the warm farmhouse and sweet French toast felt absolutely polar opposite to the volcanic burst of complicated emotions inside him.
“Everything’s fine.” Leo insisted, and there was no audible flaw in his voice, no tell smoothed out on his face. His hands didn’t even shake. He looked like a plastic manufacture of Hamato Leonardo placed in the toy box. “You’re gonna be fine. I bet you that you’re teaching that dog nefarious tricks in three days minimum.”
Donnie’s mouth was so dry. He wanted to say something. He wanted to fix what was broken. But Leo was refusing to let him see the pieces and he was so caught up in the maelstrom of emotion he didn’t even know where to start.
Silent and non-verbal, Donnie nodded, and followed him inside to the cold French toast. A heavy useless tongue in his mouth. It really sucked that the more he tried not to think about it, the more his mind replayed the piston drop of Leo on his injured leg over and over and over.
Their vibes must’ve been rancid, because when the two of them took their seats again everyone gave them wary, uncertain looks.
“You guys alright?” April asked, ever fearless in the face of the twins' ridiculousness.
“We’re good.” Leo smiled at her, and although his fingers twitched in his lap, he did not reach out and squeeze Donnie’s hand again.
“Mhm.” April said, full of doubt, and turned to Donnie to collaborate the story.
Unfortunately, he could not, overwhelmed and devastated on multiple levels — that his mind could not let go of that moment, and that his reaction would inadvertently hurt his twin. Even if Leo was pretending with Oscar-level performance that everything was okay. He couldn’t suffocate an agitated stim at his side, and averted his eyes from the group with a flushed face of shame.
“We’re working on it.” Leo amended, after a pause.
“Well, I hope that my sweet Chocolate Covered Bananas helps you folks work on it.” Todd finished polishing off his food and gave them a wink, getting up and fixing his shirt. “Just let me know if she gives you any trouble, but I won’t stay too long — I’ve got lots of puppies waiting for me at home!”
“Thanks for coming, Todd.” Mikey said, with that unbreakable sincerity despite the tension in the room.
“Aw, anytime, Mikester!” Todd gave Mikey a warm hug, and leaned over to give Banana one last kiss. “You enjoy!”
Banana wagged her dark tail in a spinning circle and stayed where she’d set up camp underneath Raph’s chair. It was apparent why when he slipped her a piece of bacon and ruffled her ears.
Donnie stared at the docile friendly dog and could not help but imagine his own broken hand reaching out and frying the poor thing with an unnecessary and cruel electric shock.
She was so fluffy. All soft fur and wet trusting eyes. How could anyone let anything so sweet near him when he couldn’t be trusted to touch his own family?
After Todd left, neither twin made any effort of finishing their French toast. Donnie was staring at the dog, wondering if he should’ve insisted, if he should've put his foot down and send away the goodness before some pest messed it up. Leo was staring out the window, chin in hand, eyes cold.
April asked if they had anything they wanted to do today. Leo replied for both of them, without moving from his frozen posture, in the negative. Raph asked if they wanted to show Banana around the grounds and Leo did the same thing. And again when Mikey asked if they wanted more French toast.
Donnie stayed very still, like it might help him endure, and very quiet. Banana gave an impatient whine underneath Raph’s chair.
Splinter stood up and coaxed her out from underneath the chair, and brought her to rest her soft chin on Leo’s knee.
“Todd gave the dog to you.” Splinter said, firm and zero arguments. “She is your responsibility. For years you insisted to me you were ready for a dog. Here you go.”
Leo turned his gaze away from the window and down at the little face gazing up at him. Something conflicted and still very cold flashed over his expression. Then he glanced at Donnie, who was curling in closer on himself, hugging his own elbows.
“She could be good for us.” Leo said, eventually. “Thank you for letting us keep her.”
“Take your dog around the farmhouse.” Splinter told him. “If you aren’t feeling up to finishing your breakfast now, we can try again at lunchtime.”
Leo couldn't hide the minor grimace of distaste at the words, but nodded regardless. He wrapped the leash around his hand then hesitated, looking at Donnie. “Coming?”
Donnie met his eye, agonized. He didn’t want to hurt her.
“I’ll keep her away.” Leo promised. “But you should see the grounds too.”
Reluctant, Donnie got up, if only because his own stomach was too knotted to considering finishing his food. Their procession returned outside, into the growing sun and daffodil dotted grass.
Donnie didn't enjoy the tour of the blueberry bushes, the road down to the lake, the guest house or the old sheds. He spent all his energy keeping a perfect radius from Banana as she darted back and forth on the end of her lead.
For a while, Donnie could pretend that Leo was avoiding getting close or looking at him because he was keeping Banana away.
Chapter Text
“What the hell are you doing?” Donnie snapped.
It was the evening. They’d haunted the farmhouse the whole day like the ghosts of who the twins used to be — undeniable tension between them caused by a flinch, half-hearted smiles in the face of everyone’s worry, with a Leo who couldn’t seem to shake the ice in his gaze and a Donnie who hadn’t spoken since breakfast.
Until now. Dad had insisted that Banana was their dog, so she had been gifted a dog bed in their room. There was space for it, as they’d done some furniture rearranging to push the two singles together on one side underneath the window. So the fluffy dog was curled up in a little donut on her dog bed, eyes squeezed shut tight until Donnie spoke, then her head popped up interestedly.
“What?” Leo said, blinking, obviously confused by the sudden animosity after a full day of radio silence. There was a pained expression hanging off the edges of his lips, one hand cradling his head like it hurt.
Because it probably did, as the idiot was staring into the overhead light. Donnie angrily and pointedly flicked the switch, bathing the room in darkness beyond the twilight filtering through their half-shut blinds.
“Oh, I was just zoned out.” Leo defended. “It’s totally chill.”
It was not totally chill. Because the moment the light shut off, instead of relief, there was a blanket of distant disappointment. Donnie fumed quietly, struggling to cobble together words in the same way one might struggle to wrangle an entire armful of oranges without dropping any on the floor.
“No.” Donnie said, empathetic, feeling like none of the words he could throw would be good enough. He wanted to stomp his feet and throw a tantrum, instead he repeated, “No.”
“D, seriously.” Leo’s attempt at reassurance had the opposite effect, the way it hung and draped at his face in ill-fitting clothes. “It’s not a big deal. It’s not like I don’t des— like I don’t, uh… I just zoned out. Swear.”
The pained wince, off his game, the wafer-thin cover up.
The words were tacky and jammed in Donnie's throat, like Prime was actively strangling him and taking them away again. Leaving him helpless to deny, forced to listen to— to —
“You don’t.” Donnie rasped.
Leo stayed too still, and repeated like he was hoping Donnie would say something else, “I don’t what?”
“Deserve it.” Donnie wasn't able to shout when it mattered, but he could scrape the words out now in the quiet of a shared room.
However it received the same amount of attention as it had in hell. Leo turned his face away, eyes shadowed and dark, and despite the soft silent tranquility of a farmhouse in upstate New York, it felt like room had an echo chamber of booming noise, that Donnie could hear every single beg out of his twin's mouth as if it was still happening.
“I don’t know how you can say that.” Leo said, and it was painted with the darkest humour, an onyx swallowing void. “You flinched.”
And damningly, Donnie flinched again when reminded, how the agony burst from his leg when Leo stepped out it, a red-hot rupture that overtook all his senses at once.
It made the dark smile spread wider, even as Donnie still couldn’t see his eyes. Leo added, “See?”
“You can’t hold that against me.” Donnie allowed the anger to come through because it was better than any other screaming emotion in his head — he understood the anger, at least. It made the whole situation a lot more combative than it needed to be, but anger was the only way he was pushing through the claws around his throat. “It’s a reflex.”
“Hah.” Leo shook his head. “Don’t you see how that’s worse?”
Donnie opened his mouth to snipe back but Leo stood abruptly, stretching. He said, “I’m tired and I want to go to sleep. Sorry that I dozed off in the wrong direction and it offended you. Can I go brush my teeth or do you wanna cause a scene about that too?”
A collapsing wall of hurt prevented Donnie from answering. Leo took it as permission and left the room.
Quiet. After a minute, Banana whimpered, chin on her paws, staring at Donnie.
“Shh.” Donnie said, because it was the only sound he could make leave his lips, and he felt like he had to vocalize something to her.
The acknowledgement had Banana rising, looking as if she might approach.
Fear on her behalf burst, a messy splatter and a hastily cried, “No!”
Banana stopped. She sunk back down, remaining on her bed.
“Good girl. Sorry. Sorry.” Donnie put his hands over his face and tried really hard not to cry over yelling at a dog.
Leo returned a few moments later, eyes scanning the scene with urgency. His voice was false casual when he said, “Okay?”
For some reason, all Donnie could think about was when Leo left him in the cave, and he had been so indescribably desperate for him to return, and surely his twin could sense how badly he’d wanted him to return — and then he hadn’t. And he’d continued to exist in that excruciating liminal suspension for longer and longer and longer and —
Not even two seconds alone and Leo knew he was in distress. He must’ve known that Donnie wanted him, back in hell. He must’ve. And he still stayed away.
That felt more sour in his mouth than anything Prime forced them to do. Donnie couldn’t meet his eye, but gave a rigid nod.
Leo hesitated, the obvious desire to call bullshit and hopefully the knowledge of how much of a hypocrite that would make him stopping the response. Instead he crawled onto their combined sleeping space, taking the spot between both Donnie and the door and Donnie and the dog.
Leo didn’t touch him, curling up on his side facing the door. It was hard to tell if he was sleeping or not, a mix of signals in either direction. Donnie was exhausted himself, not having slept the day before, and kept almost dozing off while he was meant to be on watch.
Down the hall, someone got up to go pee. Before Donnie could even register it, Banana was up and pacing towards the door, giving a low whine.
“It’s okay.” Donnie whispered, tired and recognizing Raph’s heavy footfalls.
Banana poked her nose at the door until Raph came and went back again, whining intermittently. Only once the door shut did she pace back to her bed.
“Man, she’s really on it.” Leo murmured, sounding half-asleep.
“Chocolate covered guard dog.” Donnie responded automatically.
Leo snorted and sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Are you tired?”
Unspeakably so. But still he said, “You can sleep more.”
“I’m awake.” Leo shook his head. “Close your eyes, Tello.”
Almost hypnotically, Donnie closed his eyes. He curled closer, not near enough to touch, but enough that the physical feedback of Leo’s breath reverberated through the mattress.
Sleep came. If Donnie could’ve remembered the free fall of diving into unconsciousness, then perhaps the nightmares might not have been so distressing if he’d known it wasn’t real.
But it felt so real. The utter clarity of detail for the prison dimension, how the foggy endless corners of darkened void and distant stars and debris, the hazy way it hung and hanged almost like a dream even when it had been reality. His body remembered the urgent feeling of hunger, of starvation grinding his insides like a cruel and relentless mortar and pestle, the sensations of it removed in sleep but still present like an idea of agony instead of an experience — the darkened filter over everything, twisting and tugging and pulling him apart.
For a while, the nightmare was just that feeling — you are laying on the ground, you cannot move, you need to escape, you cannot move, you are going to starve to death, you cannot move, the only thing that matters walks away from you, you cannot move, you cannot move, you cannot move.
An intimate knowledge of how it felt to starve, both for food and for air, was something he could’ve lived without. But now it lived inside him, waiting to remind him, to relive that feeling and play with it like picking at scabs or sticking a hand in the fire. Horrifically compelled and morbidly fascinated by invoking it, unable to stop. Subconsciously bound.
But it changed. A wash into a play stage, an expanse of rock and the actors lined up in their places. Donatello, immobile on the ground, silenced. Leonardo, standing in the middle, head hanging. Kraang Prime, on the other side, standing tall and victorious and smug.
The melt of the scene into sound and sight and sensation. Donnie looked at his twin, face shadowed, and opened his mouth to scream for him but nothing came out. He banged on the rocks and there wasn’t even a twitch in his direction.
Prime said, sedate and unbothered, “Come here pest.”
Heedless of the smack of Donnie’s palm begging for his attention, Leo turned towards Prime and crossed the stage to his captor. He went to his knees, tipping his head back and baring his throat.
“Good.” Prime purred, and manhandled the smaller turtle into position — grabbing him and turning Leo to face Donnie.
The picture was crystal clear. Prime standing with Leo on his knees, holding his face in his claws, eyes empty and dull.
“I have my prize.” Prime said, relishing the words, staring Donnie down and running a long claw down the stripe on Leo’s cold face. “You got away, you won… but did you?”
Donnie was gasping with sobs when he woke up, crying before he even had any sense.
Any amount of distance Leo had created between them was gone, his twin frantically trying to soothe him, holding his face and wiping the tears as they came. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. What’s wrong? I’m right here. I’m right here.”
That hysterical thing wailed in his chest, NO, YOU’RE NOT. It just made him cry harder.
“Shit. Shit. No, hey, stay over there please, thank you.” Leo shooed Banana back and returned to futilely trying to fight the tide of tears Donnie was creating. “Hey, can you look at me? Look at me, Tello.”
Through a blurry film, Donnie saw the desperate attempt at reassurance, scrambling and fumbling, as thumbs brushed away his tears.
“You’re okay. I’m okay. Everything’s okay.” Leo promised, with a grandiose kind of fanfare. Larger than life.
“You— you—“ All Donnie could see was his face in Prime’s claws.
“Come on, I’ve told you, you can’t be upset at the things I do in your dreams.” Leo coaxed, the attempt falling flat -- no pillows flung at him, no whacking his plastron. Just a huge well and return of tears, because — it wasn’t just in his dreams.
“Aw, it’s okay.” Leo sounded heartbroken. “Please stop crying. Please.”
That was not an option. A distressed whine came from the other side of the room.
“He’s okay. Don’t worry, he’s okay.” Leo assured Banana. “Alright, D, what do you need? Tell me what you need.”
Donnie couldn’t answer. There was something gripping him tight around the throat. Claws. Claws. Claws.
Earnest and wrung out, Leo asked, “What’s wrong?”
Donnie couldn’t reply even if his hiccuping sobs were swallowing everything else. Instead he reached up, the pose a mirror of his twin trying to clean his tears, and held Leo’s face, cradling it gently and staring at him.
“I’m okay.” Leo insisted, and it was that lunatic calm that sent chills down Donnie’s spine. He would give absolutely anything to have Leo’s sweet and shy smile, instead he had this… this… caricature. Mockery. Travesty.
Instead he had an image branded into his mind, no matter how hard he tried to push it away. Leo’s face cradled in claws.
Since that image wasn't just a dream. Prime grabbing Leo, claws encircling his jaw and staring at him with sugary malice. Leo staring back at Prime with his icy empty eyes. The frame of his stripes by long, lethal claws. Despite the fact that he was the leverage being held, neither of them had even glanced in Donnie’s direction.
In the current moment, Donnie cradled his face, as if it would erase what had happened in the past, overwrite the code with a new one. But there was nothing flickering in Leo’s eyes, no shy and sweet smile, nothing of his twin to be found.
Donnie thumbed the stripes underneath his eyes, trying to feel the red pigment, trying to remind himself that Leo was here with him. He hadn’t lost him, he wasn’t there. He could hold him in his hands, but it didn’t change a thing. Prime had broken something. Then he’d crunched the embers underneath his heel. Donnie was scared that there wasn’t enough left of Leo to save.
Donnie pleaded with Leo, wanting him to hear it this time, wet and destroyed, “You didn’t deserve it.”
Some understanding cleared, and Leo tipped their foreheads together in a gentle bonk. “I know, D. Stop worrying so much about me.”
The tears welled over again. He was lying. Donnie begged, “You’re not listening to me.”
“What am I doing right now?” Leo asked, a soft tease, pressing their heads together harder, with intent.
He was telling Donnie what he wanted to hear. When the tears streaked on either side of his face, Leo took his time to clean them again, focused on his task.
Donnie was slamming his hands on the rocks. Leo wasn’t looking up.
[]
“Can I come in?” Mikey whispered from the door, peeking inside with his heart thudding way too hard. He never used to be this scared to see either of them.
“Quietly.” Leo’s voice replied from the darkness of the bed. “Donnie didn’t get much sleep, don’t wake him, okay?”
As Mikey got closer and made out the slopes of Leo’s face, it became obvious that if Donnie didn’t get much sleep, then Leo got none. The caverns under his eyelids and the defeated slump of his shoulders, even as he tried to straighten up when Mikey got close.
“Do you want breakfast?” Mikey asked, even though he already knew the answer.
Like clockwork, Leo shook his head. “Maybe once D gets up.”
“Coffee?” Mikey suggested.
A visible hesitation. Mikey grinned and said, “I’ll be back in two shakes.”
It took a couple minutes to pour out the pot and rebrew decaf, adding lots of milk and sugar for the calories. Luckily Mikey had been giving Leo decaf for years and either he never called him out on it, or he never tasted the difference. He brought a mug for himself mostly for something to hug in his hands, and returned down the hardwood hallway lined with docile clocks to the twins' room.
“It’s just Mikey.” Leo whispered when he returned, which he assumed was to Donnie, and was surprised when a wet nose poked his leg with a whine.
“Oh! Hello Banana.” Mikey set the mugs down on the bedside table and gave her thorough and affectionate pets. “Have you been enjoying your new home? That’s a lovely bed you’ve got there.”
Mikey sat in the dog bed to test it, and Banana crawled all over his lap as he did so. He was incredibly rewarded when Leo muffled a laugh at the other side of the room.
“It's very soft.” Mikey told Leo, when he returned to sit beside them.
“Thank you for testing.” Leo was sitting up, the cup of coffee between his palms and inhaling deeply. Beside him, Donnie was curled up in a little ball and pressed close to the wall, blanket almost over his head.
“That’s me baby, pet bed connoisseur.” Mikey replied, mostly to fill the quiet — something he picked up from Leo, really.
Though Leo seemed more content than ever to sit in the silence. He sipped the coffee slowly and carefully, setting it down again after only a few mouthfuls.
“Thanks, Angie.” Leo said, coating it honey-sweet as if it would make the whole situation better.
As it was, Mikey was still at a loss as he’d been this whole time what he was meant to do. If he should be pushing, if he should be backing off. Anything he tried seemed to make things worse. But not trying at all made him feel scummy.
Banana followed him over and put her soft head in his lap. She looked up at Mikey and the moment he pet her, the swishy tail started to wag.
“Do you want me to sit with Donnie so you can take her outside for a morning walk?” Mikey suggested, aware that Leo definitely didn’t want to leave Donnie alone and hoping with something fragile and stupid that maybe it would be okay for Mikey to watch Donnie. That they trusted him.
He couldn’t have really set himself up for more heartbreak. The way Leo hesitated and he said, letting him down gentle, “No, that’s okay.”
Mikey picked up his own cup of a decaf coffee and took a sip to hide how that made his throat sew shut with emotion, rejection and helplessness crashing together like colliding ocean waves on the shore. It was a struggle to raise the cup to his mouth without the earthquake tremble in his hands, a fierce spike of pain he was learning to ignore igniting up the nerves.
However Leo tracked the movement with intelligent eyes that always reminded Mikey that even if they called Donnie the genius, there was a reason that Leo could match his twin fist for fist. Something rueful twitched the corner of Leo's mouth, and he said, "Have you told anyone that still hurts?"
"It doesn't hurt." Mikey said, not even sure really why he was trying to lie. Leo spoke in lies more than anyone and could read it better than truth.
"Can I see?" Leo asked, extending out his hand.
Mikey hesitated. He didn't know what good it would do, but it was hard to deny a such a plain request from his brother. He set the mug on the bedside table and reluctantly allowed Leo to take his bandaged hand.
Leo deftly unravelled a corner to peek underneath, absolutely nothing crossing his face at the sight of the cracks. He gently pressed two fingers to feel the spring back of his too-hot and bloated skin.
"It hasn't got much better, huh?" Leo said, in a light wondering voice, gently turning Mikey's wrist to inspect at another angle.
"It's fine." Mikey said, heart thudding just a little harder, because everyday it kind of felt like it hurt a little worse.
Leo's soft touch traced the pattern of the cracks, face still that placid blank like an undisturbed pond, and he said, "What did Draxy say?"
Mikey had maybe been avoiding Barry just a little bit, because he didn't want the goat to see. He wasn't sure why – it didn't make sense. He told himself it was because he was focusing on the twins. If Dr. Feelings were here, he'd probably say something about how he wanted some kind of physical hurt for all the mental agony he was feeling. Or how he didn't want to take away from the real pain the twins were going through by whining about his hands.
There was no Dr Feelings, just a little Mikey. Only Mikey, a bitter and upset kid who wanted more than the universe was giving him right now. Selfish and sad.
"Compression and ice." Mikey parroted.
"What happened to the salve you said Draxum was going to get?" Leo prodded, knowing.
"I haven't really seen him." Mikey replied, mouth dry.
"Call him." Leo said, point blank. "Tell him it's worse and you need it."
Mikey shook his head, pulling his hand out of Leo's grasp and pulling close to his chest.
"Your suffering will not make mine better." Leo said, voice still light. But the implications were heavy and made it hard for Mikey to breathe.
"I know that." Mikey couldn't help but bite back, because he did know that. "I'm not – I'm not doing anything like that, I just – there's more to focus on right now, okay?"
"Come on, Angelo." The curve of Leo's mouth would've been called a smile on any other planet. But Mikey didn't know what to call it, because it looked so different now. "You know that's not true. You are in pain. It doesn't matter what else is going on, we need to be taking steps to help that. You are important. You don't deserve to be hurting."
Tears sprung to the corner of Mikey's eyes, and he had to look away to try and push them back down. A ragged breath clawed through him, and he held it together as best he could. He flexed his aching hands, open and closed, feeling the way it burned.
If it weren't for the knife lodged directly in his heart, how it ached with every beat, he might've kept up his fight, kept clutching his miseries close because at least when it hurt there was a direction for all this pain. But he was unable to escape the reality when dragged into the light by a stupid hypocrite brother.
And he was a hypocrite. As Mikey breathed through the choking tears, successfully locking them back up for later tonight when he was alone to cry, he looked back at Leo and wanted to ask him a question that he knew he wasn't going to get a real answer for. But he was almost morbidly curious what kind of lie he would receive in return, and Mikey never suffered secrets long.
"What happened to Casey's photo?" Mikey asked, casual voice clogged with his lack of deception skills and remaining tears.
Whatever mask Leo tried to cover with was thwarted by how quickly he paled. It was almost distressing how bad of a lie he gave when he said, "What photo?"
"The family photo with the drawing of the key on the back." Mikey explained, needlessly, as they both knew what they were talking about. But he wanted to push, to see what Leo would say.
"What happened to it?" Leo said, blinking wide and fake. His fingers were shaking in his lap. Funny, he was usually so much better at playing dumb.
It was a good tactic, however, because Mikey wasn’t sure how to spell it out. He went for a bit of Doctor Delicate Touch, though much quieter in respect for the sleeping Donatello pressed against the wall. “Well, it looks like someone scratched out your face in the photo.”
“Huh, it must’ve gotten damaged.” Leo shrugged, looking away and saying with careless calculated words, “We went through a lot in there, it’s not surprising something paper like a photograph would get ripped.”
Mikey stared at the side of his face. It was like looking at a stranger. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting when he’d asked - if he truly thought he’d gain any intel into Leo’s head, if he just wanted to experience the heartbreak and disappointment again and again, if he wanted to push until something broke and Leo actually talked to them.
But maybe looking at the uneasy chill hanging over his big brother, the rise of his shoulders and how he tucked his trembling hands out of sight — maybe there wasn’t anything left of Leo to break.
“It would be really sad if someone did scratch you out of the photo.” Mikey said, slowly, playing along with the lie neither of them believed in order to get his point across. “Because, you know, I really like you being in the photograph.”
“Don’t be silly, Michael.” The face still turned away attempted what might’ve been a reassuring smile on one corner of his mouth, rueful and cold. “It just got ripped when I was being thrown around.”
“You’re important too, you know.” Mikey said, getting louder in his frustration. He’d have more luck talking to a brick wall.
“Shh.” Leo said, gently, head swivelling to Donnie’s immobile form. “You can relax, little brother. You’re making this out to be a big deal but I swear it’s not. I’m right here.”
The cold gaze made it hard to believe. Once again, for the thousandth time, Mikey was at a loss on how to fix this. He would rip his hands to tiny shreds if he felt like he could claw open the universe and bring back the light into his brother's eyes.
"Leo –" Mikey began, voice unsteady, unsure what he even wanted.
But Leo breathed, "Shit," and made Mikey's heart skip a beat.
"What?" Mikey said, surprised by the sudden shift.
"How long have you been awake?" Leo said, with audible dread.
A single cutting eye looked out from the nest of blankets pressed against the wall. The rasping voice of Donnie said, "Long enough."
"It's not what it sounds like." Leo sounded nervous.
Mikey kind of felt like the powder keg of emotion was suddenly emulating the forewarning whiff of gunpowder. And despite all common sense not to, Mikey wanted Donnie to know if he didn't already. Because if anyone had ground on what Leo was doing, it was Donatello. So he said, bracing for impact, "Actually, it's exactly what it sounds like."
Leo whirled around to glare at Mikey, eyes red rimmed, and said waspishly, "Oh, I think you've said enough."
"Don't be mean to him." Donnie snapped back, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.
Banana, who had curled up on the floor by Mikey's feet, began to whine and look up with big wet eyes.
Leo laughed, a cruel and mocking and hurting sound, and said, "I told him not to wake you up! Especially with something as silly as a photo getting understandably damaged in hell."
Mikey tightened his hands into fists in his lap, a fine tremor of effort and biting the nails in. He shook a little, a simultaneous desire to flee this conversation that was needlessly heated and not leave in the face of his brother's pain. He knew Leo was just being shitty to push him away. It didn't make it hurt any less.
"L." Donnie bit out through his teeth, then jerked his chin towards Mikey.
Furious tears pricked the corner of Mikey's eyes but he refused to let them fall. He glared back at Leo and gave his own bite, "Looks like someone needs a nap."
Donnie barked a laugh and agreed in a moment of B Team solidarity, "Yes, Leo you are such a bitch when you're tired. And you look exhausted."
"Alright, you can both fuck off." Leo got up abruptly, making Banana leap to her feet.
There was a moment of chaos – Mikey's heart galloping in his chest, the dog dancing in a circle around Leo's feet, and Donnie's hand snapping out to close on Leo's wrist and keep him from moving.
"Don't." Donnie said, tight.
"Don't gang up on me then." Leo snarled back, but he didn't wrench out of the grip. Banana continued her little circle and got dog fur all over his sweat pants.
"Maybe you need to be ganged up on, if you're going around removing yourself from pictures." Donnie said, and the flint in his eyes said such cavernous multitudes that Mikey could only scratch the surface of.
Leo groaned and spread his hand frustratedly. "I said that I didn't do it, for fuck's sake. Can we move on now?"
A minor staring contest. Leo finally disengaged from Donnie's grip, not to leave, but to crouch beside Banana and try to encourage her to calm down.
Mikey felt cold all the way through watching him. He met Donnie's eye over his head, and for a single moment, he felt the exasperated and scared connection shared in split second glances with Donnie over breakfast tables from a Leo who obviously hadn't slept.
And just like then, in the now there was nothing either of them could do. Leo turned his face up to Mikey and said, "I shouldn't have snapped, Miguel. Sorry."
"It's okay." Mikey said, and it wasn't. Guess they were both liars.
Chapter 28
Notes:
:)
Chapter Text
A bee landed on a flower, inspecting the petals, before continuing on pollinating. Donnie was sitting in the grass, scratching the insides of his wrists, trying to feel normal about the fact that Leo wasn't in his arm's reach.
His twin was firmly in his sight, laying on his plastron, phone in hand and a fluffy dog at his side. Banana kept rolling in the long grass and sneezing on the flowers.
April had insisted they go outside. She said that it would give them enough space to breathe and be apart from each other for a little bit.
They had made the same face at the idea of separating and it made their sister give a small, pained laugh, but she didn't take no for answer. She promised it was an important step in their healing.
The concept of healing was still a genuinely laughable idea. Donnie had never felt further away from healing, even though his lungs were clearing up and all his stitches were itchy and ready to be pulled out. Instead of one meal during ten days in hell, they'd 'enjoyed' three meals a day for just over ten days they'd been out.
Because it had been more than ten days since they got out. It reminded Donnie of how the Shredder destroyed his life's work in five seconds and it took months and months to rebuild. That the breaking took absolutely no time at all, and the fixing was long and arduous and didn't even come out the same. Was it even worth the effort?
Hm. Donnie tracked the flight path of the fluffy bumble bee and considered that being separated from Leo perhaps was affecting his mood in a negative way. Because of that whole... irreparably broken thing. There was no lab to repair Donatello.
"What do you think?" April asked, barefoot in the grass beside him, leaning back on her hands. It was overcast, the blanket of clouds lazily rolling over the sun and allowing only warm pockets, but she basked like it was shining bright.
"Bumblebees have five eyes." Donnie replied. "And they can beat their wings two hundred times per second."
"Per second?" April echoed, incredulous, then shook her head. "No, no, I meant, what do you think about the farmhouse?"
"It is adequate." Donnie's stomach knotted, and he'd rather think about the bumblebee. The insect loped towards the ground as if its fat body had to fight gravity into flight before whizzing up and away. Out of sight.
His gaze lingered back to Leo. Banana had left him to chase a ball Mikey was throwing, and instead his twin was staring up at the clouds. His expression was chillingly blank, empty eyes tracking above him.
"Is it helping?" April prodded.
Donnie didn't really know how to answer that question. Everything just felt so incredibly insurmountable, and there were struggles that came from being here just as easily from being at home. It felt like nothing was helping, there were only more and more problems. As if they were swimming against a riptide with no hope of reaching shore.
He provided what he could honestly, "I don't know how to answer that."
"Hm." April pulled on some grass, making it squeak between her fingers. "I suppose that's better than telling me it's making everything worse, at least."
Donnie shrugged one lethargic shoulder, "It'd be hard for it to be worse."
Uncomfortable silence blanketed over them. Donnie didn't want to talk about it, but he just brought it up. He knew April would want to ask. He would want to ask, in her shoes.
So he turned the tables a little bit. He was curious and sick over the piece of information about Leo they had that he didn't. "Mikey told me about the photo."
"He said as much." April squinted as the sun came out from behind the rolling clouds again, bathing her in warmth. "You didn't already know?"
Donnie slowly shook his head. "Last I saw, it was undamaged."
He scoured his memory. Everything about the prison dimension sung in technicolour in his mind, close like he could reach out and touch it. He remembered pulling the photo out of Leo's belt a couple days in and crying over his family for hours. The same family he was keeping at a consistent arms length away. He wished that the Donnie in the photograph with Raph's hand on his shoulder still existed.
And the grin on Leo's face. Which they said had been scratched out. He'd seen the undamaged photo tucked in Leo's belt almost the whole duration. He was fairly sure it stayed there until –
The wrenched scream as Prime hurled Leo away into the abyss. That was the last time.
Donnie was hesitant and careful, but he'd only earned this information because of them, so it was logical to collaborate. "Leo kept it tucked in his belt. Towards the end, Leo was separated from me, and I haven't seen it since then. This was after something that… would've been hard for Leo to be alone."
"So you totally think he did it too, then." April tracked his face with her sharp eyes.
"It's a possibility." Donnie agreed. "Though it is not the only potential reason."
"You don't buy his bullshit that it ripped on accident." April stated, kind of a question, because they both knew it was ridiculous.
"Obviously not." Donnie scoffed. "No. I only mean to say… he wasn't entirely alone. Prime was with him."
Despite the sun, it felt very cold. April didn't speak for a long and heavy moment. "You think Prime would…"
"You don't know what he's capable of." Donnie snapped, then turned away with heat in his face.
"You're right." April agreed, and it was a pointed statement. "I don't." Because you haven't told me.
Donnie took a couple deep breaths.
April continued, slow and feeling it out as she spoke, "It would make more sense if it was Leo, though. With what the boys saw in his head."
"In his head?" Donnie echoed, because the statement seemed so weird. It just reminded Donnie of his constant desire if he could crawl inside Leo's head.
"When they mind-melded with him." April reminded.
The clouds rolled and bathed them in the cooler shadows again. Donnie recalled the text message exchange where she'd said that's how they communicated the plan to escape over dimensions. Through a mind meld. He hadn't asked any follow up questions, and perhaps that was an oversight.
"What did they see?" Donnie asked, with thick and heavy dread.
April studied him for a long moment, like she might not answer. It made his skin itch, to think there was information on Leo that he didn't have. Eventually she said, "Blood, from what I heard. Down his face and covered in scratches. They were standing in a storm. And what they felt from him."
Donnie turned his head back to Leo, in the grass. He was staring just beyond, dull and mouth twisted in an absent frown. Donnie asked, staying quiet even though they were too far away for him to hear, "What was it?"
"Hatred." April said, jaw clenching. "Raph said it was the strongest self-hatred he'd ever felt."
"That makes sense." Donnie replied, numb lips and face.
"It makes sense?" April repeated, with a shrouded emotion. Complicated and cool.
"They melded with him directly after… the thing that I said would be hard for him to be alone." Donnie felt a lightning bolt of pain in his leg and pulled it up to his chest to hug close.
"You are the best dancer I know, Donatello, but I am a little sick of all the dancing around the subject." April stated, blunt. "Was it because of the sword marks on your shell?"
A burst bubble of hysteria, because now he could feel the rip-slash repeated over and over and over. He laughed and it sounded inhuman. "No. Well, yes. But no, not that."
"There's more?" April said.
It was the least funny thing on the planet. Donnie couldn't stop laughing. He put his hands over his mouth and tried to suffocate it down. He didn't answer.
"Shit." April reached out then immediately retracted the hand. "Can I touch?"
Donnie shook his head frantically, still muffling the sound with both hands, crunching up into a little ball.
Footfalls deadened by grass approached. "What's up?"
Donnie couldn't answer. His skin was prickling, stuck in an instant motion replay of too many hurts. Too many emotions, crowding around and wanting to be felt again and again.
Leo lowered to a swift crouch, pointedly putting himself between Donnie and April. He reached out both his hands, even still with his left in a brace, and Donnie took them without thinking.
Some of the rapid unravelling slowed. The exaggerated inhale of Leo's, meant to mirror, because he would always be his mirror. Donnie followed the motion and felt some oxygen hit his brain. Okay. Alright.
"You guys are meant to be getting some time apart." April pointed out.
"Not now." Leo said, short.
Donnie bit his lip and gave Leo a look. Don't snap at her. His twin shot one back. You're literally freaking out. An entire conversation passed between them in a moment of silence.
"Just checking in on him." Leo said, slow. "That's not a crime."
"It's only been like fifteen minutes." April said. "I've got him."
Visible doubt on Leo's face. Donnie squeezed his hands, telling him it was okay. It wasn't, but he really didn't want to look weak in front of April. He could totally handle this. They were just having a conversation.
"Alright." Leo let go and returned to his patch of grass, hands flexing at his sides. Banana bounced over excitedly and wiggled until he pet her head. Donnie watched and wondered how soft she was.
"I'm trying really hard to walk the line between needing to know to help you and not wanting to push." April said, conversationally, once Leo was out of earshot again. "I've been forthcoming about the information I have, as I'm well aware that if anyone is going to be able to get through to Leo, it's gonna be you. But we want to work together to help both of you. So is there anything about what happened that you'd be comfortable telling me right now? It doesn't have to be big. I just… I want you to start somewhere."
That task seemed large. Even parsing through all the events just lead to brick wall after brick wall of 'oh no I can't tell her that'. The most logical event to reveal would be what that lead to the self-hatred they felt, to fill in that hole for everyone.
But it felt like betrayal, to give them the knowledge that Leo hurt him. Especially without the context of everything else that happened. And he desperately didn't want them to think any worse of Leo because of it, because it wasn't his fault. But they might not understand. They didn't know what it took to get there, to even have considered it. But it was the only option in the moment. Between a rock and a hard place and another hard place and another hard—
So not that. He tried to think of something, and decided on something more logistical, and definitely not relating to Prime, as the edges of his vision kept catching a red haze.
“We had water.” Donnie said, slowly, and April straightened her spine attentively. “There was an alien ship, not Kraang but not human either. We located their water tank and used my ninpo to melt the ice that was inside. But there wasn’t any food.”
Donnie didn't look at her, the bob of brown hair puffs turning in his peripherals. She prompted, quiet, “Nothing?”
"So much nothing. Believe me, we looked." Donnie felt that crawling desperation, scouring the skyline as they floated through the nothing and nothing and nothing. "For the first, like… week. I'm not sure, it got hard for me to keep track. We had nothing. And then…"
He trailed off. April shuffled a little closer, still not touching, but voice incredibly gentle when she coaxed once more. "And then?"
"Leo got me a burger." Donnie said, mouth dry, throat practically closed as he remembered choking down that horrid overcooked meat. The heavy slap of flesh when Leo brought the beast into their cave and the pour of blood on the rock. The stomach-turning smell as it sizzled, unappealing and foreign.
"I don't follow." April said.
Donnie gave another laugh, high and painful, and hugged his stomach like it hurt. His head was completely turned away from her now, staring out over the swaying grass and sycamore trees. He mumbled, "You had to be there."
"Donatello." April said, and he flinched immediately. When she continued, it was gentler. "What did you eat?"
Donnie watched as Banana darted into his line of sight, barking at top speed at a bird she was chasing up a tree. She looked so happy, fluffy tail wagging, tongue hanging out of her mouth. He thought about a limp collection of fleshy limbs bleeding on the floor. He felt like if he told her, he'd be a monster. "You don't want to know."
"I do, that's why I'm asking, bubs."
Fine. More honest. "I don't want to tell you."
April sighed. "Okay. But you did eat something while you were in there?"
"Just once. But yeah. We did get something."
"Whatever it was… D, you know I'm just grateful to hear you weren't starving the whole time. A week is bad enough."
A laughing Mikey coaxed Banana away from the bird in the tree. She wiggled excitedly out of his grip and circled back around. Innocent and small. Donnie never saw one of the Kraang hounds when it was alive. Did it move like a dog? Probably not. But he didn't know.
"I'm aware." Donnie said, stilted and stiff. "I just don't want to talk about it."
"You should talk about it."
"I just did."
"No, I mean… I think maybe we should think about getting you guys some outside help."
The zing of terror at the thought was unexpected. Donnie felt robotic and unfamiliar as he said, "I don't even want to talk about it with you, April, let alone someone I don't know."
"That's the point, if it's not someone you know then it won't hurt them to say–" April started, but Donnie had heard enough, pulsing panic consuming him from head to toe.
"No." He cut over, firm and final. He finally looked at her again, just to convey how serious he was. Then added, more senseless, "No. No. No."
"Hey, it's okay, I was just suggesting, nothing's happening right now." April raised her hands, the picture of reassuring sister. There was no threat.
Too bad. The freak out mode was activated, slicing all rational thought to ribbons. Prickling too-hot and painful. His vision blotted out in blue and green, as Leo got between him and April.
"Alright, time out." Leo crouched, one hand reaching backwards to Donnie who took it without hesitating.
"Leo–" April began, with a small amount of reprimand.
"No." Leo cut her off as well, deathly intent stare directly at her. "Not gonna walk away a second time if you're just going to keep freaking him out."
"Donnie is his own person, he can ask for what he needs." April said.
"I need Leo." Donnie gasped. It was the universal truth.
"You heard him." Leo stayed a statue between him and April. Between him and Prime. No. Wait.
"You're not the only two people left in the world now, you know." And all of her big sister patience was tinged with undeniable annoyance. However they'd won, because she was getting up.
Leo didn't answer, turning around to face Donnie and holding both his hands, giving a manic coaxing smile only for him. April sighed after a moment, and padded away through the grass.
"She shouldn't have kept pushing." Leo said, low. His eyes were a little wild.
Donnie traded squeezes back and forth. He understood April's desire, even if he didn't like the result. "It's the only time she's gotten to talk to me alone. I think she was just taking advantage of it."
Leo didn't acknowledge that as a good or bad thing, gaze down on their hands both clutching hard enough to white-knuckle their grip. Even though Leo had been within his sight, being apart felt like losing something very important. Only now could Donnie breathe again.
That wasn't the same for Leo. His twin had hitched breath, struggling audibly.
"Hey." Donnie whispered, like the breeze playing around him might carry the word too far if he spoke up. "Alright?"
"Mhm." Leo replied, tight.
"Is that so?" Donnie prodded, because he was an asshole and he could tell something was wrong. Call it twin sense. Call it the line of sweat down Leo's brow despite nothing going on.
Footsteps approaching. Donnie glanced up to see Raph, in a dorky puff vest that Mikey got him with a bunch of patches sewed on, who raised his hand as he spoke, "Hey you guys, did you want –"
Leo had his back to Raph. Suddenly and a bit painfully, Leo scrambled to turn around and push Donnie to stay behind him, snarling and angry.
"Woah." Raph stopped mid-step, other hand raising with the other to show no harm. "It's just Raph. You okay?"
Leo's chest was heaving like he'd run a marathon. He inched backwards, pushing Donnie along with him, staring up at Raph with pin-pricked pupils, the whites of his eyes huge. The grip on Donnie's wrist turned from painful to bruising.
Despite himself, Donnie's own heart pick up in response, giving a small wince. There was a thin layer of panic that he couldn't allow to flourish. The red on the edges of his vision.
Raph's gaze flickered to Donnie's wrist and he took another step back, hands still up. He said, "Hey, big man, you might wanna loosen your grip there a little bit."
Leo said nothing, instead giving a warning hiss. Donnie's blood was ice cold. Judging by the expression on Raph's face, he wasn't enjoying the experience either.
"No one is going to take Donnie away from you." Raph said, slowly, trying another way. "But you gotta let go before you hurt him."
Obviously the only words Leo heard were 'let go', as he lunged forward a little with a another snarl, teeth bared.
The harsh movement pulled on the bruising grip, and Donnie swallowed the whine in his throat. He didn't want Leo to feel badly for hurting him again. But the sound was audible even while muffled, and Raph snapped, "Leo, stop."
"It's okay." Donnie vocalized, pushing past the thudding panic to get words out, to defuse this terrible situation. "It's fine, Raph, just – just leave us alone, okay?"
Raph's shoulders hunched small, agonized and conflicted. "D, I can't let him hurt you."
Donnie felt the hysterical laughter pulsing in his throat, but the ice-cold terror kept it down this time. Yeah. Yeah, that. "It doesn't hurt."
"Donnie, I can tell–"
"You're making it worse." Donnie blurted, and cringed. But plowed through. "You're – Leo doesn't know what's going on. Yelling at him is going to make it worse. Please."
More hesitation. Donnie didn't have time for this. He said again, a little desperate, "Please, Raph."
When Raph turned away, his eyes were damp. There wasn't time to deal with that either, because Donnie needed to defuse the bomb in front of him without setting off his own. As soon as their bigger brother was out of earshot – which Donnie couldn't help but notice he stayed close enough to watch, eyes glued to Donnie's captive wrist – Donnie began to hum.
The tension in Leo lowered a little when the threat moved. His chest still heaved with air, tiny pupils tracking Raph's movements, that nasty snarl on his face.
Donnie kept humming. A little shaky himself, but focused on his task. He knew that they were in a field outside the O'Neil farmhouse. He didn't think Leo knew that. He waited as his twin began track more than just Raph – following the trail of a butterfly, the bullet path of Banana chasing a ball from Casey in the long grass, until he finally turned back to Donnie with confused eyes.
Donnie trailed off his truly terrible rendition of Nyan Cat. He gave a reassuring smile that he learnt from Leo himself. "Hey. We're okay."
"You're okay?" Leo repeated, lost.
"I'm okay." Donnie agreed. He wasn't fantastic, as he felt quite a bit untethered himself, and the grip on his arm was still lock-tight. "Can you tell me where we are right now?"
"Um." Leo blinked rapidly and glanced around again. He hesitantly offered, "In… in a field?"
"That's right." Donnie agreed. "And who's all here?"
"You." Leo replied promptly.
"Me." Donnie nodded. "And who else?"
A melted expression. Leo glanced backwards at their family. Most of them had stopped playing and were watching them. Raph's gaze was hard, and still on Donnie's wrist. He tried not to flex in the grip, because it stung and it was straining his tendons.
"Our… our family." Leo's browline notched. "Mikey and Dad and Raph and April and Casey Junior."
"And Banana." Donnie pointed out, the fast dog enjoying the vast space to whip back and forth, cutting patterns in the tall grass.
"And Banana." Leo confirmed, but it was vague. "Wait. Did I…"
"You got a little confused." Donnie told him, careful. "But everything's okay. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Right. Right." Leo kept glancing over at their family, brow tight. "I don't… D?"
"I'm okay." Donnie repeated, because he knew what he wanted to hear the most. The next bit was really delicate, and he wasn't sure how to do it. But judging by Raph's stare, he had to do it soon or they'd have them coming over to help again. "Hey L? Could you do something for me?"
"Of course. Anything." Leo said, immediately looking determined even through his haze of confusion.
Donnie's heart anxiously punched upwards repeatedly. He said, "Can you let go of my wrist?"
A blank stare. Then Leo glanced down, and slowly peeled his iron fingers from around Donnie's wrist, revealing reddened marks already beginning to bruise.
Leo inhaled, sharp and horrified, and then stopped breathing as all the colour left his face. He pulled his hand to his chest, trembling.
As much as Donnie wanted to rub the feeling back into his sore wrist, he ignored it for now, much more important things happening. He hid his arm behind his back instead and repeated insistently, "I'm okay. I promise I'm okay. It didn't hurt."
Leo flinched, pulling back further, putting more space between them. He breathlessly exhaled, "Fuck."
"Don't freak out." Donnie felt all his muscles tense at the sight of Leo getting further away from him. He tried to keep his voice calm. "Nothing's wrong."
"I can't – I can't be near you –" Leo scrambled more backwards, pale and aghast.
But Donnie was not having that shit at all. He lurched forward to snatch up Leo's own wrist and bit back, "What did I tell you, Leon?"
Leo froze completely still, barely breathing. He said, strangled, "I hurt you. Again."
"I'm fine." Donnie insisted, the tangy panic nipping at his voice. "I will not be fine if you leave me."
"Don't do this." Leo whispered. He tugged but Donnie didn't let go. He glanced over at their family. "They're gonna come over again. Let go."
"Are you going to run?" Donnie demanded, hot.
"No. I'll stay right here. Let go." Leo replied, cold.
Donnie glanced over his shoulder. Leo was right, Raph was half-up and poised to come over again, upset determination on his face. Inhaling and praying he could trust Leo, as he was fairly sure his twin wasn't lying, he let go.
Leo snatched his arm back, but did not run. He kept the cavern of space between them, breathing shuddered and uneven, visibly pulling himself back together, constructing another facade.
"You were having a flashback." Donnie interjected, before Leo could get too far in the pool of drowning himself in his own guilt.
"Is that so?" Leo mimicked the exact same asshole tone of voice Donnie had used earlier. He continued on, scathing and lifeless, "I didn't realize that meant I have a free pass to hurt you. Raph certainly doesn't think so, judging by his face."
Donnie didn't glance back over there, because he was sure it wasn't helpful. "Raph doesn't know what we know. The circumstances –"
"The circumstances change nothing." Leo hissed, shoulders high, and inched backwards just a little more. "I'm never supposed to hurt you. It doesn't matter what's going on."
Donnie opened his mouth. Before he could say more, Leo cut him off, frantic and chaotic, "And don't tell me 'you can't hurt me'. I know it did."
"Because you love me." Donnie spoke quick and sharp, trying not to get cut over again, like a knife to the ribs. Judging by the flinch, it hit like that for Leo too. "You were having a flashback, and you were trying to protect me. It wasn't your fault."
"Not my fault." Leo repeated in a dead voice. He turned away, pulling his leg up to hug.
"Leo." Donnie said, and crawled forward on the grass.
His twin pushed back, keeping a perfect distance between them. A stand off. An unfair fight.
The panic that was barely being held at bay prickled and washed more overwhelming. Donnie said, pained, "The only person you're punishing with this is me, Leo."
"How the hell can you want me close?" Leo's jaw clenched and he was looking with the corner of his eyes. Donnie realized he'd moved his bruised arm out and Leo could see it again.
"This doesn't hurt." Donnie shook his arm in the air, annoyed, then gestured fiercely at the distance between them. "This does."
Leo covered his face with a shaking hand. His muffled voice said, "I can't hurt you again."
"You won't." Donnie stated.
"Come on, Donatello. Don't speak in absolutes that you cannot prove." Leo's trembling voice came, hidden.
"It won't hurt because you can't hurt me."
"Now, now. There's only room for one liar in this twinship."
Donnie gave up and closed the distance between them, tackling Leo to the ground. It punched an 'oof' out of both of them.
"Now you've done it." Leo said, staring dead-eyed up at the sky from where Donnie had him pinned.
"Donatello!" Raph's voice called. "Watch his shell!"
The footsteps were getting closer. Donnie didn't ease off, clinging tightly, and muttered, "Did I get your shell?"
"No." Leo said, lying as the oof said otherwise.
"Sorry."
A strained pause. Leo said, "I'm sorry too."
"We're even."
"Yeah." Leo shut his eyes. "Totally even."
Raph arrived, with Banana barking up a storm on his heels. He berated both of them for being idiots, but it didn't matter. Donnie had both hands on his twin and he wasn't letting go now. No amount of reasonable arguments that they needed to try and separate worked, and soon they gave up on laying in the field to go back inside.
It all seemed relatively normal, for at least what their normal was. That probably should've rung more alarm bells than it did, but honestly Donnie was exhausted and wrung out from being on a low level amount of panic for most of the day. He fell asleep early, listening to Leo whispering to Banana as he tried to free a mat from behind her ear.
And then Donnie woke alone.
He felt ice cold. He stared at the darkness above him for a moment, waiting for understanding. A soft whine from Banana. Donnie rolled to face her, an empty room beyond her worriedly pawing at the bottom of the door.
Donnie tried to remember how to breathe. It felt impossible, like his lungs had walked out of the room. He rose on trembling legs, the spike of pain up his left utterly unimportant in the face of empty sheets. He crept across the carpet, soft between his toes, and carefully twisted the doorknob.
"Where is he?" Donnie whispered to Banana, opening the door for her.
Quick paws clicking down the hall. She nosed at the light coming underneath the bathroom door with a whine.
There wasn't quite relief. Something felt wrong. Brain predicting patterns, blood-chilling premonition, the ridiculous notion of twin-sense that had him leaping into a portal. Carefully, he sat with his back against the wall beside the bathroom door, tipping his head back. Waiting for more information. If his twin had truly just gotten up to go pee in the middle of the night, then he'd be here when he opened the door again.
Banana whined. The shine of her eyes from the light under the bathroom door in the otherwise dark and quiet hallway.
Leo must've guessed that the only way Banana would be there was if Donnie let her out, as his voice said softly, "Go back to bed, Donnie."
"I can wait for you." Donnie kept his head back, eyes closed. He could hear the hitch in Leo's breath. Close, he was leaning against the door too from the other side.
"I'm fine." Leo said, not sounding fine at all.
Donnie got to his feet and tried the door. It didn't open, locked, with the weight of his twin sitting against it. He said, "Let me in."
"Nothing's wrong." Leo lied. "I just need a minute. I'll be right there."
Banana scratched at the bottom of the door and whined louder. Donnie argued, heart choking him, "If nothing's wrong, then you can let me in."
A long hesitation. And telling, damning, Leo said, "No."
Chapter Text
The door was locked, but about two-point-six seconds with a flicker of purple ninpo had it unlocked. The problem was that Leo was leaning against the door, as much as Donnie wanted to muscle his way inside – it was Leo's shell braced against it. And the crack down the middle was still healing.
Donnie leaned on the door, fist against it, struggling through a flashing vivid memory of Prime bashing Leo's shell against the rocks. Like trying to crack open a nut. He said, tight, "Leonardo, open this door right now."
"Can I have ten minutes first?" Leo asked, and it was strained. "Then I promise I'll open it. Just. Don't come in."
"What do you need ten minutes for?" Donnie couldn't help but imagine a hundred worst-case scenarios of what the hell was going on here. Judging by the whine of dog at his feet, Banana was worrying too.
"I just…" Leo trailed off. He sounded a little dazed.
"Open the door." Donnie couldn't keep the panic out of his voice. He rattled the door, only to freeze mid-movement. Absolutely deathly still. He said, "Why can I smell blood?"
"I'm fine." Leo replied, quick. Too quick. "Don't freak out."
"Too late." Donnie said, voice going high. His vision went grey on the edges. "Let me in right now."
"I just – like, five minutes? Please?"
"You let me in right now or I'll get Raph." Donnie said, not because he particularly wanted to, but because he knew that would get the strongest reaction.
"No – I –" Leo moved, and Donnie didn't wait to see if it was meant to let him in or not, taking advantage of Leo being clear of the door to push it open.
Leo inhaled sharply, obviously not having expected Donnie to have already picked the lock, and he moved away from Donnie until he hit the wall.
Scouring his twin for injury, it was immediately obvious. His twin had bloody fingers, both arms clutched close to his chest, eyes wide and trembling from head to toe.
Almost automatic, Donnie reached out to grab Banana's collar before she could get closer to Leo. Her ears were down, whining.
Confronted with the reality, Donnie was at a loss for words. Leo seemed to be the same, shaking hard like it hurt, staring at him. Keeping his arms hidden against his plastron.
Everything felt incredibly fragile. As if the room was made of sugar-spun glass. Each breath Donnie pulled in dragged the moment out longer, as clarity became stark and sharp. Here's your twin. He's bleeding. He's the only one in the room.
"Wait outside, okay?" Donnie whispered, and guided Banana around the bathroom door so he could shut her out. Another devastated whine from the other side, but it didn't matter right now.
When Donnie turned back, Leo had his face turned away, eyes squeezed shut and a flush on his cheeks. He tightened his shaking arms closer to his plastron, smudging more blood there. His knees were practically knocking together.
"Sit." Donnie said, because that was the easiest place to start.
"You don't have to – I just need five minutes." Leo refused to look at him, words thick with shame.
"Sit down." Donnie made no move to get closer. As if he was locked in a room with a wild animal. He washed his tone in artificial calm. Any amount of his own panic could come later, when Leo wasn't bleeding.
Leo visibly swallowed. Keeping his arms close, he lowered to the ground, knees wobbling and dropping him hard the last second.
Staying by the door, Donnie lowered down to his level, struggling with his left leg but Leo's eyes were closed at least so he didn't see that. He addressed that next, once he was seated on the beige bath mat, "Can you look at me?"
"You don't like eye contact." Leo muttered, gnawing on his lip, cowering small and still shaking. It looked exhausting, the pent-up motion.
"Then you must know it's important." Donnie coaxed.
Leo breathed in and out, very purposeful. Then raised red-rimmed eyes to look at Donnie, cautious and faintly scared and mortified.
"Hello mellizo." Donnie packed the word with as much sincerity and love that he could muster. Sticky-sweet middle of the night crisis style. "Can I see your arms?"
Leo immediately looked away again, cheeks flushing more.
Donnie kept himself as calm as an unmoving pond surface. It was possible he was imagining April to emulate it. "I'm not mad. I just want to know what happened so I can help."
Leo shivered. He sounded distressingly young when he muttered back, "I didn't mean to."
"Okay." Donnie agreed, entirely non-combative.
A stretched moment, long and painful. Then Leo slowly, excruciatingly turned his wrists from inwards to out, exposing a bloody mess, like a horror movie.
Donnie's heart sunk hard, feeling himself pale despite himself.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." Leo said, small.
"How did you…" Donnie didn't even know how to finish the question. His stomach was squirming, a fearful urgency and a detached horror.
Leo answered by turning his hands into claws with blood stained fingers. Ah. It was simultaneously comforting and terrifying – he hadn't sought out any weapon to hurt himself with, but he'd managed to use enough force with his own nails to do so much damage.
"Got it." Donnie said, feeling like someone else was speaking. "Alright. I'm going to clean that up, okay?"
Leo's mouth wobbled, and he drew his arms back towards himself with an uncertain look.
Donnie didn't move. He let the moment sit between them, heavy and the messy slick of blood all over Leo's arms. The smear of it over his plastron from clutching so close. Donnie felt overwhelmed and out of his element and scared for his twin. He tried to project only calmness. He wasn't sure how successful he was. For once, he actually wanted someone else to be here, someone who could help.
"I should do it." Leo whispered, after eternity.
Donnie didn't even know where to begin with that statement – because he was the medic? Because it was self-inflicted? He didn't pursue it, instead offering a reasonable and logical, "It would be easier if I helped."
Leo turned his arms in, fingers beginning to scratch absently before freezing and guiltily pulling away again. He said, again, "I should do it."
Donnie tried again, "Can I help?"
More chilling silence. Leo's tremors continued to wrack his form. Donnie was pretty sure he could see Leo's pulse jumping like the flap of a bee's wing on his throat.
"It would make me feel better if I could help." Donnie said, because he could fight dirty to win when he needed to. And he really needed to right now.
"Okay." Leo breathed.
Donnie turned to dig in the cabinet beside him, hoping April's grandparents had something useful. He'd had to get them some new washcloths, he thought, as he carefully ran lukewarm water over the small towel and approached his twin.
The horrible stand-off continued, as Leo didn't move to let him actually use the washcloth. Donnie really wanted there to be far less blood in this bathroom and soon. He held out his hand in offer.
"It's warm water." Donnie said, just to fill the unbearable quiet, and took a moment to rub the washcloth on his own arm in show. "Much better than scraps, I promise."
"I'm not worried." Leo's throat bobbed with a visible swallow, and the arm he finally offered trembled in direct contrast to his words, "Fearless, remember?"
As if Donnie could forget. He felt increasingly sick to his stomach. As he carefully braced Leo's arm and dabbed the blood off with the warm washcloth, the tension in Leo's body only got tighter and tighter. He turned his head away, teeth grinding and jaw muscle jumping.
The water ran pink when Donnie wrung the cloth in the sink. He was allowed Leo's other arm, his left that was definitely supposed to be in a brace right now and wasn't. Underneath the blood were jagged scratches, dragged in repetition from wrist to elbow on both sides. They blossomed just a little more blood as Donnie cleaned it away, deeper than Donnie thought could be done by nails alone but not so deep that there would be more complicated problems.
Another wash of pink down the white porcelain. Trying to dab at the wounds as they helpfully sprouted blood really tested Donnie's stomach, especially when Leo's breathing picked up as he continued to stare at the wall off to the side.
"Does it hurt?" Donnie asked.
"No." Leo replied, through clenched teeth.
"I'm sorry." Donnie said.
"Don't be."
Donnie breathed unsteadily through his nose. The smell of blood was too-strong. That scary out-of-control feeling increased with intensity. Leo didn't relax, there was no liquid trust, there was just –
A swirl of pink. Donnie couldn't dab at the wounds any longer and took a minute to get the blood out from underneath Leo's fingernails instead. Chewed and jagged.
Wring out the washcloth. Donnie dug in the cabinet and found a small first aid kit. Donnie wanted to cover the marks tearing up Leo's arms, because it was so stark and vivid and it hurt, it hurt Donnie like his heart was trying to match Leo's beat for beat, flickering fast, it hurt like his stomach churned in the blood down a sink drain, it hurt like the dichotomy of clawing towards something or being ripped away.
The antiseptic in a tube and white gauze pads. Donnie hated this.
"I can do it." Leo said, in the quiet otherwise only filled with both of their heavy breathing.
"I've got it." Donnie pushed through. The sticky consistency of smearing the antiseptic on the pulled open skin. How the gauze pads prickled red. He wasn't sure if he was doing this right. "Maybe… maybe we should get Casey?"
Donnie had barely finished speaking before Leo cut over, "No. No, it's fine."
Overwhelmed heat and the pulsing nausea in his stomach said otherwise. Donnie attempted again, "He's a medic, we should get this checked."
"I'm a medic and I say it's fine." Leo insisted. "We don't need to tell anyone else."
The pressure of that grew, increased applied force over the surface area of his body. This concept of 'only them' didn't have the same security as before, not in the face of a bloody horror show. He didn't want to betray Leo. He didn't know what to do.
"They're gonna notice." Donnie said, after a moment of wrapping the gauze down in place, Leo's thin wrist covered.
"Not if we don't tell them." Leo tried to smile. The attempt of it was almost insulting.
"I think maybe we should." Donnie said, and rushed to keep going when Leo flashed with the expected betrayal. "It's just, this is – this isn't good. This is scary, L."
"I told you." Leo's lips moved like someone else was speaking. "I didn't mean to."
Donnie just stared at him helplessly. Whether or not that was true, it still happened, and here they were.
It stayed achingly quiet as Donnie wrapped the other arm. It took too long for Donnie to realize that Leo’s attention was captured by the ring of bruises around Donnie’s wrist. The stare was dull ice.
“Hey.” Donnie tried to pull him away from it. “How’s that feel?”
No response. Donnie put away the first aid kit and shoved the used washcloths away in a corner of the cabinet to deal with at some point that wasn’t the middle of the night. Then he helped his twin stand and guided him from the bathroom.
Banana was waiting and hopped up, circling their feet insistently. Donnie maneuvered them through the dark hallway back to their allotted bedroom, pouring Leo onto the bed and wrapping him up in blankets.
Leo looked anywhere but Donnie. He practically whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Donnie stole his line, because he had no idea what else to say, “Don’t be.”
Shaking hands covered Leo’s face and he released a shuddering breath. He didn’t reply.
Banana put her chin on the edge of the bed and stared at Donnie. The moment he glanced at her, the swishy tail looped in a circle behind her.
“Go lay down.” Donnie whispered.
Sorrowful eyes. For a moment, Donnie wanted to reach out and soothe her. But the thought that an electrocuted dog was the absolute last thing this night needed stopped him. He repeated, sadder, “Go lay down please, Banana.”
Banana sullenly crossed the room and curled up into a little donut on her dog bed. Donnie felt like the scum of the earth for more than one reason.
Leo was deathly still, face hidden by bandaged arms. Donnie settled himself down to watch beside him, mind spinning fast but getting nowhere.
The time crawled on its hands and knees. Banana began to snore in the corner. Donnie stared at the wall and waited. It took a few hours, but Leo shuffled finally in sleep.
It was that late-early, and it wasn’t long before the house began to wake up around him. As the footsteps moved, Banana got up and whined at the door, so Donnie let her out so she wouldn’t wake Leo and returned to his post.
It was likely the appearance of the dog that signalled someone in their room was awake, as Raph tapped on their door a couple minutes later.
Donnie glanced at his sleeping twin, still covering his face with bandaged arms. And said, slow and deliberate, “Come in.”
“Hey.” Raph whispered, leaning in. “You guys up?”
“Leo just went to sleep a couple hours ago.” Donnie replied, putting a finger to his mouth then gesturing to Leo.
It was still pretty dark, the curtains closed. A pile of blankets on the bed. Raph said, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“If you can do it quietly.” Donnie knew that Raph wanted him to leave the room. That wasn’t going to happen.
A minor sigh. Raph let himself in properly and shut the door behind him. “I wanted to apologize.”
That was a common theme. Donnie couldn’t focus on that, because he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He said, “Mhm?”
Raph gently sat on the edge of the bed, the singles they’d shoved together. “Seriously. Raph owes you both an —“
Then trailed off. Donnie’s heart sped up. He flexed his hands in his lap.
“Don.” Raph said, in a distant voice. “What happened?”
“I’m not supposed to tell you.” Donnie said, robotic. He met Raph’s eye and tried to convey. I am not telling you. I am just letting you in the room and making no effort to hide him.
"Fuck." Raph said, with feeling.
Donnie couldn't help but agree. Fuck.
He'd spent the whole night rolling this around in his head and he was no wiser what the right thing to do was. At best, he'd come to the conclusion that perhaps he might not be the sole source of help for Leo. That his family had shown to have information he didn’t about Leo's state – the photograph, what they saw in the mind meld – and maybe, just maybe, he might need their assistance in this matter. He was the most equipped person to deal with Leo, he had carried this idiot through hell… but he didn't know how to help bloody fingernails and locked bathroom doors.
Raph stared at their brother. The shock was thick, and at least he was quiet when he asked, "Why didn't you wake someone?"
"I'm not supposed to tell you." Donnie repeated, pointed. He already felt shitty for going behind Leo's back, even for something as important as this.
"I don't think Leo gets to decide that." Raph's gaze could not seem to peel away from the bandages.
Donnie exhaled a frustrated bit out his nose, and said firmly, "You're right. Which is why you're here and I didn't tell you to fuck off."
Raph said nothing. He kept staring, his hands flexing in his lap, unreadable expression.
Leo snuffled and turned just a little, the faint grind of his teeth. A few small pricks of dried blood were visible on the white when his arms moved.
"Donnie." Raph said, and it was pained. The silence stretched out.
"You know. I spent a lot of time in there feeling useless." Donnie spoke without really intending to, just something about the sight in front of him pulling the words from the complicated mess inside him. "Especially at the start. My ribs were fucked right off the bat, and then my leg. I couldn't do much to help with our… situation."
Raph didn't move, it didn't even seem like he was breathing. He didn't interrupt.
Donnie almost couldn't breathe himself, with how strong the memory of helplessness was, a full body sensation. He had never wanted to feel that way again, but the last few hours were quite a faithful recreation.
"I couldn't do anything." Donnie's tongue felt a little numb, but he didn't stop. "When he found us… there wasn't anything I could do. And he…"
Well. Raph had seen what had been done. He'd been there as they'd been stitched back together, after all.
Donnie glanced down at his hands, carefully turning to see — then hide — the bruises on his wrist. He murmured, "You've gotta understand. Leo took such good care of me in there. He protected me, he tended to my wounds, he made sure we had what we needed, no matter the cost. And I was just… useless."
"I'm sure that's not true." Raph chimed in, a whisper. He'd finally turned away from Leo to meet Donnie's eye, something fierce in there.
A little tweak of the corner of Donnie's mouth. "And then Leo was… incapacitated. He couldn't protect me, so I had to protect him. I was done being useless. I got us out of there, because I'm a badass motherfucker."
The laugh that crackled out of Raph sounded more like a sob. But he didn't look any less fierce when he agreed, "You're the most badass motherfucker I know, Don."
"I know." Donnie flipped imaginary hair over his shoulder, giving himself a moment to act like a diva before the seriousness of the situation melted back into his bones, weighing him down again. He sighed. "I know. And … I haven't been able to turn that off. That I am the one who is capable of taking care of him. The only one. Logically, I know that isn't true. But…"
"I'm glad you two were taking care of each other." Raph said, aching, a little haunted, and the worst part was that he reached out with his fond hand like he was going to cradle Donnie's head only to hesitate and pull back.
"I'm sorry." Donnie said, the snapping overwhelming feeling inside him far too biting for anything else. He really meant it.
"That's my line." Raph shook his head and sat on his own hands. "We're really screwing this up. It's hard, because none of us know what you went through to realize that pushing is just as likely to make things worse. Nobody wants to retraumatize you, or trigger you, or whatever. Raph feels terrible about what happened yesterday."
"It wasn't your fault." Donnie didn't flex his hand, because he could feel the bruises on his wrist when he did. "We haven't been cooperating very much. And I'll be honest, that's going to take a while to get over. But last night…"
Both of them turned back to Leo. His jaw was flexing with the grind of his teeth, tension in his body even in sleep. Bandages on someone who was supposed to be safe at home.
Donnie thought he'd felt fear. But standing in the bathroom looking at all that blood taught him there were still new and exciting tastes of fear to experience. Like the moment before a car crash, the riptide tearing out to sea, or discovering that your twin had brought the monster home with him.
"Please help me help him." Donnie said, soft.
"Of course." Raph breathed.
As if he'd ever get any other answer. Donnie swallowed against the irrational soreness building in his throat, like he might cry or something, and continued, "I… I know I'm not useless. I know that I can help him. But, fuck, he scared me so bad last night. We need help."
"You've got it." Raph promised, and he twitched, keeping his hands down, an intent stare full of more emotions than Donnie could even name. "You're not alone. We're all here for you."
Not alone. Heh. They all been there the whole time since they got home, Donnie just couldn't reach out. Trying not to think too hard, he crossed the cavern he'd created between them and tugged on Raph's pant leg. Twice, like a little kid who would trail behind his big brother and hold onto his shirt when he was scared. Then he let go, pulling his hands back to the safety of his lap.
"I've got you." Raph said, with the same inflection when he enveloped little brothers in warm and secure hugs. As if a simple tug on his pant leg was just as much of an affection. "How do you want us to help?"
That was the question. Donnie sighed. "Whatever we do, he's not going to cooperate."
"Like that's new." Raph scoffed. "We can handle it. Tell me what he needs right now."
It soothed like a balm, that even when giving up control and asking for help, he was still rightly treated as the authority on the topic of Leo. It made it easier, even with the anticipation of how Leo was going to perceive this as a betrayal. "Well, I don't know what he's done with his splint, so that's somewhere to start."
"Gotcha." Raph nodded, firm. But his gaze strayed once more, to the distracting bandages. There was an undeniable terror in his voice when he said, "What did he…?"
Donnie mimicked scratching his own arms. Then said, dully, "He says he didn't mean to."
Raph shuddered. He nodded, but didn't say anything else. They watched Leo sleep. The grind of his teeth made it seem the opposite of peaceful.
“You’ll tell me, right?” Raph asked, that fear still thick like a molasses pour.
“Tell you?” Donnie prompted, not enough information in the question to provide an answer.
A shiver ran down Raph’s spine. He leaned chin on hand, covering his mouth when he said, “If you need help too.”
For a moment, the only thought in Donnie’s head was the exact second that Prime loosened his grip on Donnie’s throat and he’d been washed with sick disappointment.
“What am I doing right now?” Donnie asked, feeling like the room was a thousand miles away. Fingers twitching in wild air hunger. He sucked in a deep inhale just because he could then let his head hang, not wanting to give himself away.
“You’re asking for help for Leo.” Raph pointed out. “Raph ain’t stupid.”
Donnie knew that, he’d never thought that. He once watched Raph solve a Rubix cube through sheer repetition because he thought it might give him a prize.
“As soon as I can articulate what kind of help I need,” Donnie began, that bluntness staying true, “you will be second to know.”
They did not need to state who would be first. Raph did not look offended. “As long as you tell me, buddy. I’m just happy you know you need help.”
A pointed glance at the blue brother beside both of them. And it wasn’t as if this was new or anything — after a skateboarding fall, an eight year old Leo went weeks with an untreated broken collarbone because he ‘didn’t know it was a big deal.’
It sounded a lot like ‘I didn’t mean to’ - Donnie wondered if he’d given Leo that ten minutes in the bathroom how long his twin could’ve hidden this from them.
“If he can sleep longer, he should.” Donnie carefully pulled the blankets up higher on his twin. “Then we’ll … deal with it.”
“I’m gonna go have a little mental breakdown. I’ll come back in a bit.” Raph said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder in show, with a wry smile that it was a joke but not really.
The urge to wrap his arms around Raph increased, but the fear that he would shock him was too much, it wouldn’t help Raph in this moment if he did. Instead he said, “Sorry. Love you.”
“Love you too. Thank you. I know this isn’t easy.”
“Eh, little brothers are specifically designed to make your life harder. Isn’t that why you always tried to sell us when we were kids?”
“No one would buy you.” Raph was painfully fond. He stood up, one last lingering glance at the trainwreck wrapped in blankets pushed against the wall, and left with the door whispering shut behind him.
Donnie waited for Leo to wake up. Anxiety knotted in his gut, taking away any hunger and leaving only faint nausea. He knew Leo was going to be upset that he’d folded like a house of cards immediately upon facing their big brother. But he’d never actually agreed not to tell anyone.
It was just over an hour later when Leo mumbled, half asleep, “Jesus, D, I can hear you worrying from here.”
“Raph came in and saw the bandages.” Donnie blurted, unable to suffer a moment longer.
Leo had absolutely no visible reaction, pressed into the blankets, the same steady cycle of breathing. Then he said, a little chilly, “Why did you let him in then?”
“Because you can’t hide it.” Donnie sounded weak even to his own ears.
“I definitely could have. Come on, D. It’s supposed to be you and me. What the hell, man?”
Donnie shrunk smaller. He knew Leo wasn’t going to be happy with him. It didn’t make it easier to deal with, the crushing sense that he was doing something wrong. “It’s better if they know.”
“It’s not any of their business.” Leo’s eyes flew open and they were red rimmed and exhausted.
“I didn’t want to deal with it on my own!” Donnie snapped back, defensive.
“You’re not, I’m right here. And I don’t need help.”
The helplessness was back and stronger than ever. “What do you mean? You — you — you hurt yourself.”
“It was an accident. I didn’t mean to. It won’t happen again.” Leo spouted off, vehement. Gone the dazed and docile thing from the night before. Left only the snarling animal backed into the corner of the cage.
Donnie didn’t want to sound scared and timid, he wanted to be the badass motherfucker. It was just hard when both the enemy and the one he was trying to save were the same person. He gave an immovable statement, “We’re getting help.”
“You’re just deciding that for me? What happened to it being us together?” Leo practically had his hackles up, all indignation and the expected betrayal.
“You’re trying to hurt one of us. So yeah. I’m deciding that.”
“I said, I didn’t mean to.”
If that really was the case, then Donnie would hate to see what it looked like when did. He swallowed against the sick feeling living inside him. The chill of betrayal rolling off Leo was making Donnie's hands shake. Before they could get into it more, the footsteps came down the hall and Leo took six-point-three seconds to school his face into something careless and neutral.
"Hey." Raph said, when he tapped on the door and peeked in. "I talked to Casey, he's gonna take a look and see if he can put the splint back on. You ready?"
It was pointedly not really giving Leo an option. But there was no fight, Leo wordlessly rose and brushed past Donnie to join Raph. He didn't look back. Raph did, conflicted, but followed Leo out of the room.
Donnie was suddenly alone. The room felt like all the oxygen had been sucked into a vacuum. Staring at the breakthrough streaks of sunlight through the blinds all fuzzy and fish-eyed. It took three whole missed beats before Donnie's heart started pounding again.
Click-click-click of nails down the hall, only to be muffled by the carpet in their room as Banana let herself in the door that had been left open. The fluffy dog jumped fearlessly on the bed and danced in a circle to face Donnie, pink tongue hanging out, cocking her head expectantly.
"Hello Banana." Donnie said, in a crackling voice.
She took it as an invitation and laid down beside him, wiggling excitedly.
Donnie stared. He swallowed, throat clicking, and reached out slowly.
Banana fearlessly licked his hand. Her tongue was the oddest texture. Coarse and damp. She didn't wait for him to collect himself, plopping her head on his lap and giving a big, dramatic sigh. Like, come on dude, PET ME ALREADY.
Donnie hovered his hands, still breathing hard from the sudden disappearance of the literal other half of his soul, but stunned by just as suddenly not being alone. Puppy in your lap. She was already touching him anyway. He pet her silky head, down the striped muzzle, and she squirmed closer. Too-warm dog completely in his space.
After a moment, Donnie wrapped his arms around her and hid his face in her fur.
Chapter 30
Notes:
shoutout to my bestie L who's beta read the last couple chapters it has been an absolutely invaluable help <3
Chapter Text
Raph always felt like the twins were the foundation of their family — the pillars their structure was built upon. An incredibly important part of the whole. Both completely and irreparably irreplaceable, and much stronger together. It made it harder that now he felt more like the twins had buried themselves together in a grave and were refusing to get out.
All he could hear was the ringing ‘you weren’t there’ in his head that never seemed to go away. And since he’d learned what they’d said to their littlest brother as well, even if Donnie had made up with him afterwards.
Raph had found out when a trembling Mikey had sought out Raph in their own trauma-bonded reliance, laying on his plastron and sniffling into his shoulder, admitting at first the confusing mutualism about holding each other’s well-being hostage to eat, passing blame back and forth as if it made any sense at all. And that they’d spat a damning, ‘you don’t know us anymore.’
Raph shielded Mikey in his arms and wished they hadn’t done that. It was uncharitable for what they’d experienced, but in the dark and hurting nighttime it didn’t hurt anyone else to have the thought, holding the precious baby brother close and wanting to save him from any pain at all.
Eventually, he rumbled, “If it makes you feel better, I don’t think they know themselves either.”
Because certainly neither of them had ever said such nasty things to them before. And it was certainly a stranger who abandoned Donnie in their bedroom and brushed past Raph into the hallway. For a moment, he almost called Leo out, almost said what the hell are you doing… but instead he silently followed.
Silent and foreign. The dull and dead-eyed brother, forearms marred and shell cracked and singular, alone, without the purple counterpart. It was like viewing someone who’d been split in half.
And Leo didn't even seem to care. Considering the reaction Raph had gotten trying to separate them, it was almost frustrating. Combined with the knowledge of what Leo had done the night before…
Raph was worried. A completely newfound and undiscovered level of worried, that even sixteen years of taking care of three chaotic little brothers had not reached. As if he was inventing entirely new ways to feel worried just from the thin curve of Leo’s arms covered in bandages and the knowledge that the culprit was right in front of him.
There was only silence and a soulless expression. Raph had never wanted to hear a badly-timed joke more in his life. It felt like it had been eons since he'd seen that sweet and shy smile, at least before his brother went to hell but maybe longer – the two of them had been rather contentious for a while. But he could remember an old conversation from long ago that he wasn't meant to hear.
A young Leo advising a baby Mikey. Laughing, bouncing him on his knee, and saying, "Don't worry, Raphie's just upset. Listen, all you gotta do is smile at him, okay?"
"Smile?" Mikey repeated, and did so with all his teeth. "Why?"
"Because it always makes him smile back." Leo gifted his sweet and shy one, the real one, the one they all cherished. Raph wished he could keep it in his pocket. And yeah, every time he saw it, he smiled back.
And he couldn't help it, even after hearing that conversation, because everytime Leo gifted him that blessing – he knew that Leo just wanted Raph to smile. So he'd smile back.
But the years stretched on and it wasn't that sweet and shy smile he was given. It was plastic and too sugar-sweet and perfectly calculated. And Raph… stopped smiling back. At some point.
If you smiled at me now, Raph thought intensely, I promise I would smile back.
Leo did not. He kept his gaze anywhere but Raph, greyscale, deserted, cold.
Casey Junior didn't ask stupid questions. Upon being greeted with the two of them he set immediately to work – checking underneath the bandages and changing the padding to prepare for a splint. Leo continued to say nothing.
Raph couldn't help but inspect the injury from the corner of his eye. It caused his mind to wash in a white-noise fog like TV static. Another brand new emotion, invented right on the spot. Raph was tired of the ways his enormous love could stretch and pull him apart, that he loved these brothers and it would never be enough.
Not the time. Not now. There were far more important things to be focusing on. Raph had no idea how he was going to help, but he would do anything. Anything at all, to not feel this helpless.
But he couldn't drag his gaze away from the vicious lines dragged up and down Leo's thin arms, how much intent to harm would've been put into that action to cause such damage. The pinch of his wrist small like twigs. He didn't want to think about little brothers cold and hungry. So hungry for days. Locked in a cage with a monster with no way to protect themselves.
The scratches vanished underneath the careful treatment of Casey's capable hands, the farmhouse first-aid kit getting good use less than a week into their stay. Only once they were covered could Raph breathe again, but the afterimage stained his eyelids.
How strange that he'd watched the twins guard each other, protective and feral, to stay together and yet Leo was sitting here perfectly still and calm. As if Raph hadn't watched Leo in the med bay pinching himself every few minutes to stay awake while Donnie slept. As if they didn't take turns waiting on the bathroom floor as the other showered. As if they didn't sit with their hands clasped together every minute of the day, knuckles white with how tightly they held on.
It made no sense. When things made no sense, usually Raph asked Donnie. He just wasn't sure what kind of answer he'd get even if he did – if the moment of solidarity this morning when Donnie revealed to him the extent of Leo's distress was going to hold out in future honesty.
Raph couldn't help but feel a sour guilt, since he'd dealt with the situation in the field so badly. But even running it over in his head again, he just didn't know how he could've reacted differently.
Casey reset a new splint over Leo's left wrist, testing the range of motion with a clinical touch. Leo allowed it, a very lacklustre gaze at the opposite wall. Muted and dim. The monster of worry roared in Raph's chest, but he was so painfully aware how delicate the situation was. There was no way Leo was about to start telling them what went through his brain, if he meant what he said to Donnie that it wasn't on purpose – but even on accident, if it was some kind of… what? Meltdown? It was almost funny to think that they couldn't leave Leo alone right now, considering Raph hadn't thought he'd been alone at all in the last couple weeks. Except he'd managed to separate himself from Donnie long enough to do this. The afterimage burnt in his retina...
Raph couldn't just fail to acknowledge it, but he also had no idea what to say that wouldn't put Leo even more on guard.
Casey put the last of the bandages in place, and asked only one question, putting himself fiercely in Leo's eyeline. "Do you feel better? Or worse."
Leo didn't answer. The silence stretched.
"Alright." Casey seemed to not need an actual response. "You're good to go. If you need medical attention, come and get me. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night. Doesn't matter what happened. It's what I'm here for."
Leo inclined his head. It wasn’t really a response, but Casey nodded like it was, clasping Leo’s shoulder with a lingering touch. Then he left, casting Raph a look that very clearly said, ‘good luck.’
Raph took a bracing inhale, and said, “Leo.”
“Don’t.” Leo whispered.
“We should talk about this.” Raph knew that was the right thing, just as surely as he knew Leo wasn’t going to let it happen.
Leo twined his bandaged arms around himself and shook his head, looking in the opposite direction of Raph.
“If I did this, you’d want me to talk about it.” Raph implored, trying to seek that protective instinct he knew was fierce inside Leo, to make him understand.
But Leo merely whispered, “You would never do this.”
And really, that response won, because what was he supposed to say? Raph was still on the stumbling block of this just happened and there was no guidebook on what the hell he was meant to do. Your little brother has hurt himself. He won't acknowledge it and he won't accept help.
Maybe if any of the hundreds of times they'd fought over the last few months made Raph think that arguing with him might help, he'd go for it, just for the catharsis of getting to scream at the person causing him the most frustration right now. But their fights only ever dug Leo deeper into his convictions.
Plus, he couldn't bear the thought of what Prime possibly could've screamed at them in there. Raph desperately didn't want to be another negative force in Leo's life. He was meant to build him up, even if he'd only ever seemed to fail and fail and fail lately.
He was going to have to collaborate with everyone else, come up with some kind of plan. The twine of fear was making it hard to breathe, that Leo wasn't safe, even here, and Raph had no idea how to disarm this enemy. Leo was already itching at the corners of the bandages, nimble fingers trembling. He glanced at the door once, then twice. Eyes flickering.
How easily he'd walked away from Donnie, as if the past few weeks hadn't happened at all – but Leo's anxiety was beginning to visibly build, so maybe it wasn't that simple.
"Even if it was an accident," Raph began, not sure what to say but he sure as hell had to say something. "None of us want you hurt, okay? So we gotta try to find a way to make sure you're as safe as possible."
Leo's gaze was locked on the hallway, scratching the inside of his wrist idly, not even a flicker of comprehension at Raph's words.
"And you're not listening." Raph sighed, in defeat. "Go get Donnie, then."
Leo didn't wait, he was up and moving immediately. Raph had to pick up the pace to keep behind him, tracing the path back through the hardwood hallways, past a line of smiling bird clocks, into the twin's bedroom on the main floor – except that Leo stopped dead in the doorway, his expression flashing momentarily through surprise then something Raph didn't recognize.
Whatever it was, it was awful. Sour and conflicted, practically making Raph's heart skip a beat at the shock of seeing Leo look like that. Then just as quick as it came, the illusion fluttered, and it was Leo again. Leo as expected. Leo as packaged, perfect and infallible.
Raph was horrifically curious what invoked this response, and could not have been more confused to see Donnie cuddling with Banana. Face in her fur, arms around her neck, wrapped up tight.
Leo hovered in the doorway, as if he was unsure if he should even go inside. He glanced at Raph, and whatever he saw seemed to immediately redouble his resolve. Raph had no idea what emotion he was feeling anymore, it was all too much, the numbness like getting used to cold water.
"D." Leo said, and that was all he seemed to be able to push past his throat.
Donnie's head snapped up. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please come back."
Raph couldn't help but dwell on how weird this all was. Like, sure, if it was Leo begging for Donnie not to leave his side, that was just a Tuesday. But Donnie being needy? It just… it made Raph's stomach twist to think why Donnie would act that way. What they'd been through that they weren't talking about.
Ho boy. That urge to just scream got insufferably louder and more unbearable.
Leo stared at his twin for only a moment — conflict warring between what, Raph didn’t know. Then he sighed and approached the bed, accepting the tackle from the side without so much as a flinch.
Raph did flinch. He wasn’t even sure why — sympathy for Leo’s bandaged arms, for Donnie’s twisted up miserable expression, or just because he had reached his absolute limit of coping with all this. He should’ve said something before he left — but being real, they probably didn’t even know or care if he was there, so absorbed in their steel bubble.
So Raph fled down the hall, hand over his mouth, overwhelmed and scared in a way he hadn’t been since he was a little kid and Mikey got the flu.
That memory of standing in the doorway, watching his dad stroke Mikey’s sweat-slicked forehead, leaning close to whisper. How pale and small Mikey had seemed, how he couldn’t even keep water down, and when he saw their dad stare at Mikey’s sleeping face Splinter looked scared.
It felt like that. That stomach sink of, ‘oh if you're scared then I should be terrified.’
And it was Splinter who stopped Raph in the hallway. “Red, please, what is going on?”
A tug on his arm. Raph gladly took to a crouch to reach his small dad’s level, grateful to get off his weak jello knees, and he didn’t even know what to say.
Smaller hands cradled Raph's face, Splinter giving him the kind of look that really, really made Raph want to cry. This whole fucking situation made him want to cry, but this was just overflowing past any of his capabilities. He'd been on the edge for what felt like weeks, never able to rest, hit the ground running – to stop the Kraang, escape their control on him, the twins disappearing into the portal, Mikey almost tearing himself apart to get them back, searching and pulling them from hell, trying to get them to heal – suddenly Raph couldn't breathe and the tears flowed. The terror pulsed, a second heartbeat in his chest, and he opened his mouth to tell his dad what happened and all that came out was a sob.
"Oh, Red." Splinter pulled him even closer, kissing the side of his head, rubbing his neck. "It is alright, my son. It's going to be okay."
"I don't think it will." Raph admitted, broken and torn up. "I don't – Dad, he…"
"He will be okay." Splinter said, when Raph couldn't continue, even though he would've had no way to know which 'he' Raph had been talking about. "We are all going to make sure. We are all together and we will all take care of each other. Please breathe, sweetness, or you're going to hurt yourself."
Raph tried to breathe, fingers clutching his dad, and he didn't know how to articulate that it sounded like 'at least they have each other' when it wasn't enough. Now their family was together and they weren't in hell, shouldn't it be enough?
The way Raph leaned into his father's soothing hold and couldn't escape the image of Leo's cold, dull eyes or the thin arms gouged out with desperate fingernails … it didn't feel like it was enough.
[]
Donnie knew that Leo was pissed at him.
It was written over every inch of his twin, the way he wouldn't quite meet Donnie's eye, how he kept himself turned away and hummed disinterestedly in response to any question Donnie asked. The problem was that Leo loved him, so he didn't want to upset him further. Even if he didn't like that Donnie went against his request to keep his worrying behaviour from everyone else.
"I'm sorry." Donnie implored, because Leo was with him but he wasn't really. And it itched underneath his skin, that wrong-wrong-wrong sensation. Leo was doing just enough of what Donnie needed to feel sane – but nothing more.
"You're not." Leo replied, not jokey, not taunting. Just chilled and plain. Donnie wanted to shake him. It wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't fix this. It was still really, really tempting, because this was all wrong.
Donnie had gotten his hug, but Leo disengaged and put his back against the wall, knees up to his plastron and posture closed. He wasn't looking at Donnie, gaze to the corner. It was slapping his hands against the rocks and being ignored. Donnie was sick of Leo ignoring him, when it led to – when it led to bandaged arms. Though Donnie couldn't see them anymore, his twin had dug through their things and pulled the biggest hoodie they owned – Raph's, of course, the hood strings chewed. Donnie had no idea why it had been with their things, except that Leo had seemed to be hunting specifically for it, so maybe he'd stolen it a while ago and kept it hidden. It practically hung to his knees.
They were alone. Donnie let Banana out as soon as he got Leo back, shutting their bedroom door, intent on making it right between them. But Leo wasn't allowing him, because he continued to not cooperate with him. It was so frustrating.
"You're not listening to me." Donnie accused, more heated than he wanted to be, but it was hard. He was tired, he'd stayed up all night drowning in worry and fear over Leo, over him hurting himself, over how mad he was going to be and now he was, and Donnie just wanted to go back to the part where it was the two of them against the world again. He wanted to skip the fighting, he was tired of it, because it never got anywhere and it just hurt them both.
"I am listening to you." Leo still wouldn't look over, voice dry. "And I'm right, you're not sorry. You just don't want me to be mad at you."
Of course he didn't. It was like pulling out all his teeth with pliers one by one to have his other half angry at him. There was a distant memory, that they used to fight and it wasn’t the end of the world like this. That was a long time ago.
"I am sorry that I had to go against what you wanted." Donnie clarified, trying to keep himself logical and reasonable, so they didn't dissolve into a screaming match yet again.
"If you were, then you wouldn't have done it." Leo struck back, sour. "It's none of their business. You're supposed to be on my side."
"I am." Donnie's voice was feathery and sore. "But I don't think you are."
Shoulders shored up, almost to Leo's ears. He defended, frosty, "I told you that I didn't mean to. You're not listening to me."
Donnie couldn't listen to the words out of Leo's mouth, the spiderwebs of lies that wanted to catch him in their net. He couldn't remember the last time he actually believed what Leo said, he'd been relying so heavily on his innate understanding of the inner workings of Hamato Leonardo, that wavelength understanding that they'd be humming different songs to the same tune. And it didn't feel like enough anymore, because the stakes were so high – and it wasn't enough that Donnie knew he was lying, he needed to know what the truth was.
It was watching Leo dance chess pieces around the board, knowing he was losing, check-check-check. He didn't want to learn what checkmate looked like.
Donnie stared at the side of a face that wouldn't glance at him. The sharper line of his cheekbone underneath the red stripe.
He didn’t understand. Donnie hated things he didn’t understand. He wanted Leo to tell him the truth. It shouldn’t have felt like asking a fish to fly. But he dug his heels in, because he had to try, “It’s not like this is new, though.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Leo asked, teeth grit, muscle tension like he was weathering a winter storm.
“Come on.” Donnie couldn’t stop the incredulous scoff even though it would definitely escalate the situation. It was just so insulting that Leo didn’t think Donnie knew what he was doing. “You jumped in with no plan to get out. You can’t tell me that’s not suicidal.”
Leo’s eyes cut towards Donnie and he immediately wished they hadn’t. The raw and bitter gaze gave him goosebumps. Donnie had the childish urge to clap his hands over his ears and drown out whatever Leo was going to say, as he knew just from two seconds of eye contact that it was going to be devastating for everyone involved.
“Excuse the fuck out of me, Donatello, but who the hell jumped in after?” Leo spat back. “You are so hypocritical to even bring that up. Wow.”
“How defensive.” Donnie met the piercing stare and put all his effort into not flinching. He kept the bruised wrist under his own long sleeved shirt, best not to be flaunted in what was already a minefield. “I am still waiting to hear what your big plan was once you got inside there. Because, oh right, you didn’t have an exit. It was only once you saw me in there too that you began to try to escape.”
“You shouldn’t have been in there in the first place.” Leo shook his head, rapid, once-twice-thrice before he began to blink like it hurt.
Pure rage roared in Donnie’s chest before he could stop it. Punctuated by an indescribable fear — here is your twin, he is right here, and he will not stop tearing apart the person you love more than anything, the person you need. Something as simple as shaking around his still too-recently-concussed head.
“Someone had to chase after your sacrificial ass and make sure you didn’t get yourself killed.” Donnie said. Out of control, mouth moving and words spewing out. The hot-heat of anger winning over rational sense. Leo didn’t need him to fight right now — he was injured, by his own hand, and Donnie was stressed and tired and still wrung like a dish rag from being left alone even with a dog -- and yet he couldn’t stop himself, falling head-first off a cliffside. Momentum already going. Freefall already in motion. All that remained was the collision, the sudden stop at the end.
Looking at Leo’s dark and cold eyes, Donnie was terrified to find out what that was going to look like. But he was going to find out, because Leo spat, “I didn’t need you there.”
Okay, well that was just patently untrue, it was an obvious play on the fact that Leo knew Donnie’s insecurities better than his own, that he knew exactly where to strike for the most pain, that he was trying to win because he fought dirty. That he knew Donnie thought himself a burden and that he was only useful when he could provide for his family.
Jokes on him, because Donnie had an ace up his sleeve on this, “Oh yeah? How the fuck were you gonna be drinking that water if I wasn’t there, genius?”
Leo’s expression didn’t give in the slightest, absolutely no indication of gaining any ground. In fact, a worrying change, into that blueprint-forming calculation that last ended with Donnie waking up alone in hell after an argument that sounded exactly like this.
A rush of twin-sense premonition broke his heart before Leo even spoke. And when he did speak, it was worse than a knife.
Leo said, voice crawling like frost crackling over a window, “If you hadn’t come with me, none of this would’ve happened to us.”
Donnie inhaled sharp. "What?"
“If they’d had your strength on the other side, Mikey could’ve pulled me out.” Leo said, the blankness in his eyes crushing.
“You don’t know that.” Donnie denied. Heart thumping.
“Think about it.” Leo pretended to shrug nonchalantly, even as his whole body was strung up like a livewire.
Donnie didn’t want to think about it — if his decision actually doomed them. It wasn’t fair that Leo was making him think about it, because the decision was done and it wouldn’t change anything. Donnie had decided that Leo wasn’t going to hell alone and that was the end of the story. He couldn't think about Prime with his claws around his throat.
“You couldn’t have known we could pull you out, that wasn’t your plan. And I couldn’t have known what the best option was — all I knew in that moment was that you were going to hell. And I wasn’t letting you go alone. The knowledge you had meant your choice was to die, the knowledge I had was that I wasn’t going to let you.” Donnie tried to inject confidence in his voice when Leo had successfully shaken him deep to his core. The idea that Leo would be not nearly as hurt right now because of a choice he made was agony. Choking hands around his throat.
“Psh.” Leo tucked his fingers in his long sleeves, just a faint tremor out of sight. “You keep making decisions that affect me for me. Jumping in after me. Telling the others about last night. Makes me think you’re not really respecting what I want, dude.”
“You’re right, I’m not.” Donnie didn’t hesitate. “I’m making decisions based off what’s best for me. I’m selfish. And what’s best for me, is that my twin is fucking alive.”
"I would've been better off if you hadn't come with me." Leo spat.
Donnie saw red. "And we all would've been better off if you hadn't lost the key in the first place."
Leo's expression fell slack. A cold victory was only momentary, that he'd actually managed to hit Leo where it hurt – only to be faced with the consequences of his actions, the illusion of Leo shimmering, revealing the true depth of Donnie's perfectly calculated strike. That he hit the mark, that he threw it back at Leo's face to hurt him, and hurt him it did. A cavern of ache, as if they were five years old again breaking each other's toys just so neither of them were happy.
When they were kids, Donnie never had enough ammunition to make Leo cry. Or if he did, Leo never let him see it. Leo always won. Only on some mornings after a fight, Donnie would stare at Leo's red-rimmed eyes at the breakfast table and wonder if Leo would keep his hurts so close to his chest that he wouldn't even admit if Donnie actually hurt him.
Which made it all that more painful when Leo's eyes welled with tears, and he said in a choked voice, "Fuck you, Donnie."
An instant internal war, to either double down or back off. There was no winning, because Leo crying was never a win. Backing off now wouldn't fix it, and maybe if he doubled down then he'd actually get his point across, get Leo to hear him pounding his fist against the rocks.
"What?" Donnie felt like he was listening to someone else talk, there was no way his own voice could sound that mean. "It's almost as if you were making choices with the information you had. That it wasn't the end of the world to fumble some random artefact."
"Except it was." Leo whispered. Utterly haunted. The precipice of tears falling, just a single blink away, barely held at surface tension.
"And maybe you would've been better off without me. Maybe together we could've pulled you out in five minutes." Donnie said, overtop of him, throat sore at the thought of Leo without Donnie, but not letting it slow him down. "But with the information I had, I was coming with you. Understood?"
Leo didn't look like he was listening. He said, almost robotic, "If I'm really the one who caused this, who lost the key, then you definitely shouldn't have come with me."
It felt like the floor fell out from underneath Donnie. He wasn't trying to say that it was all Leo's fault, but that was definitely what he heard. And there was no way to take it back now. "No, Leo – "
Leo was already moving, shaking his head, tears springing down his cheeks and swiped away as he scrambled off the bed.
"Don't go." Donnie caught his wrist. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Please don't go."
"I asked you not to tell them about last night, and you did, so obviously our requests mean nothing in this twinship anymore." Leo said, cold-hearted and tugging his wrist away.
Hot-hot panic stung like acid against the back of his tongue. Donnie felt wildly out of control. He begged, "Don't leave me. You always leave me. Please."
"Pssh. Come on." Leo smiled, desperate, tears streaming down his face in a rainfall. He glanced meaningfully down, where Donnie's outstretched wrist had pulled the sleeve up to reveal distinct finger bruises once again.
"Stop." Donnie's voice was too high, too scared.
"Where'd your bite go, Donatello?" Leo urged, still crying, the flood of tears. "I wanna hear it. I lost the key. I jumped into the portal with no plan. I scratched my own arms to shreds. What else is my fault? What else have I ruined? Don't be shy."
Completely unbidden, thoughts sprung to his mind – unwanted, almost intrusive. The slam of Leo's foot against his injured leg, twice. His sword on Donnie's shell, slashing to shreds. And the claws wrapped around his throat. They weren't Leo's fault, but Donnie couldn't stop himself from thinking about them.
There was a sick, almost ravenous expression on Leo's face as he watched, because he could read Donnie like a book. He knew from the minuscule flinch that he could not suppress, that he was betrayed by a physical body he could not control.
But he could control what he said. Donnie cleared his throat, wobbling, and said, "I love you, Nardo."
That was not what Leo was expecting. His shining eyes went wide, and he startled backwards. "What?"
"I love you." Donnie repeated, slow. And it worked, because the tears almost doubled, a sob crashing through Leo's figure, curling up in a smaller ball in his huge hoodie.
"How can you say that? After everything I've done?" Leo breathed.
"Because it wasn't your fault." Donnie insisted. "And even if it was, it doesn't change a thing. I'd still love you."
Leo stared. Dazed and far away. He said, "You shouldn't."
"I do." Donnie shrugged, and reached out for him to come back. "Do you still love me too?"
Leo stared and stared and stared at his hand, breath hitched. Crying hard and painful. Then he turned and ran.
Donnie dropped his hand. His heart picked up, struggling to move and follow him. There was a waiting wall of panic – that Leo left again, where was he going after what he did last night, did he really not love him anymore? Did Donnie fuck everything up with the stupid words he said? The trip of panic like a bear trap clapped up and swallowed him whole.
It was the same story, stalemate. Donnie made Leo cry. Leo left Donnie alone. Had they even left hell at all?
Chapter 31
Notes:
so so sorry for the lack of comment replies, i appreciate each and every one. i'm just goin through it rn
Chapter Text
Donnie got his feet underneath himself, even with the spiking reminder of the claws that pierced through his left leg, unimportant in the face of his twin abandoning him. He shouldered the wall in his shaking desperation to catch up to Leo before he got too far.
There was a startled exclamation in the main room, Mikey's voice, "Woah, Leo? What's wrong?"
Unmoving clocks lined the hallway, Donnie nearly knocked a cuckoo over. He turned the corner just in time to spot Leo reaching for the door.
"Leo, stop." Donnie said, voice scratching, frantic.
Leo didn't reply. One split-second moment of eye contact – hollow, teary gaze – before Leo fumbled the handle and slammed the door behind him, cutting off Donnie's approach to close the distance between them.
Donnie made a noise of anguish in the back of his throat.
"Don, wait." Raph's bigger presence joined him. "I can go after him, don't hurt your leg."
"No." Donnie couldn't stop the bite back, it was too immediate. He felt his hands clench and flex and yanked the door open, seeking out the sight of blue fluttering mask tails disappearing into the trees. At least Leo's ninpo still wasn't strong enough to portal, or else they'd be screwed.
"Fine, let me carry you." Raph interjected, determined.
Donnie wished that was an option, because he was never going to catch up to his twin. Leo beat him in a foot race even when Donnie wasn't down a leg. But petting a dog wasn't near the same as letting his family touch him, especially when the panic was already winning every battle inside him at the moment. He'd made his twin cry. Leo was alone, after what happened last night. All the worst case scenarios were just too loud and he felt electrified. Like he was too dangerous to touch, that his broken defense mechanisms would fry anyone too close. "I can't."
Mikey appeared at Donnie's side with the crutches he'd left behind. "Take these. What if Raphie ran ahead to pin him down for you? Would that work?"
Donnie stuttered in movement, trying to intake the information. They were trying to help, to compromise, to meet him halfway. Donnie could never catch Leo. But Raph probably could.
"Don't hurt him." Donnie said, juggling the crutches and getting down the steps leading up the porch. Colourful rocks lining the path, sun peeking out from the clouds, an insultingly beautiful day. Didn't the world know that Leo was crying right now?
Poorly disguised hurt on Raph's face, as Mikey said, "Of course he won't."
"Of course I won't." Raph repeated, hoarse. "I'll keep him in one place so you can catch up. Keep your phone on you."
Donnie didn't have his phone. He glanced at Mikey.
"I've got mine." Mikey held it up. "Let's go."
Raph took off in a sprint. Gone in a blink of his eye. Donnie and Mikey followed, quick as they could manage with the crutches slowing them down.
"Casey said I can fly in the future." Mikey said, scouring the tree-filled horizon as they moved. "That'd be nice right about now."
Donnie didn't point out that Mikey could've easily kept pace with Raph. He couldn't speak even if he wanted to, the panic a growing beast inside him. He couldn't believe that Leo walked away from him again. Twice in one day. Where was he? Did they ever leave hell?
It certainly didn't look like hell. The long reaching tree trunks and a canopy of vibrant green. There was a lukewarm breeze that brushed past Donnie and all his skin that felt like it was on fire with panic. He stumbled on the dirt and rocks with his crutches, uncoordinated and impatient.
"Should I ask what happened?" Mikey said, glancing sideways through his periphery.
"No." Donnie replied, short and succinct. There was no way he'd be able to tell them, even if he was capable of articulating the deep cutting intricacies.
Before Mikey could express disappointment, his phone dinged in his hand. He glanced down and said, "Raph's got him."
Good. That was good. Donnie tried to tell himself it was going to be okay, that Raph had literally pinned Leo down and now he could not run away, could not hurt himself – but it didn't help, because for how long? Raph couldn't sit on him forever.
Mikey led them deeper into the forest, as their voices came into earshot. Raph was saying, "What are you doin', man? You gotta talk to us."
"I don't have to – get off me, Raph, come on." Leo replied, the jokey cajoling ruined by how his voice was still full of tears.
Donnie didn't want to think about how Leo had run before he'd said he loved him back. That in a cave, pushed to his limits, Donnie had still managed to pry that from his twin with a metaphorical crowbar. And between now and then, something had broken.
Knees on rocks. Leo's voice twisting in a beg. Donnie was pretty sure he knew what did it. He had no idea what he was meant to do. He couldn't think of a way to fix this, especially when the panic was not abating the closer he got to Leo – it was only getting increasingly stronger. As if someone was unloading a truckload of sandbags directly on his chest.
Raph had apparently been very literal in what he was going to do, as Leo was pinned to the ground by their oldest brother. It was a gentle hold, but a hold nonetheless. The way he struggled to get free told that it was necessary, especially when Leo glanced up to see Donnie and Mikey approaching, and redoubled his efforts to escape.
"I don't – I just – let me go, let me go!" Leo pleaded, voice cracking, all bravado gone.
"What on earth is going on with you two?" Raph asked, utterly mystified and completely unmoved by Leo's scramble.
"Nothing, nothing." Leo wrenched himself forward, hand crawling out, and Donnie –
Well. It was like in-between blinks, the sight of Leo's hand inching out from underneath the rock pinning him to the ground, the expression on his face as he watched Prime raise the sword to apex height before the swing –
"Let him go." Donnie's mouth was saying before his brain could catch up, panic thick and waxy all around him.
"He'll bolt if I do." Raph warned, brow raised.
Donnie tossed aside both crutches and crouched by Leo's head. "Hey. I need you."
All the fight melted out of Leo. He went so still, he even stopped breathing. Then gave a stilted nod.
"Let him go." Donnie repeated, because he really needed Leo to be free. It was an impossible addition of panic on an already insurmountable mass. A hangover taste of memory, the secondhand adrenaline, rooted deep inside him.
Raph exchanged a look with Mikey that Donnie couldn't read. Then he slowly released Leo, muscles tense and ready to recapture.
But it was unnecessary. Leo took a long moment, then inhaled and sat up to inspect Donnie. A tight twist to his brow, reaching out for Donnie. "Are you okay?"
"No." Donnie spat at him, not taking the hand. "Answer the question."
Leo visibly grimaced. He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at Raph then Mikey and saying, "Come on, you get Raph to track me down and drag everyone over just for that? You know the answer."
Then why didn't you say it. Donnie didn't speak, swallowing hard. It wasn't about knowing the answer. It was about making Leo say it. The panic grew. It didn't seem possible for it to grow.
Leo reached for him a second time, taking his hand and giving an insistent squeeze. Tucking away all of the tears and distress to give something soothing to Donnie when he spoke, "Hey, breathe. I'm good, I'm sorry, I just – I just needed some air."
"Please answer the question." Donnie said, scraped raw.
Leo glanced again at their brothers on either side of them, and leaned in closer when he whispered, "Of course I do, D. I don't even know why you're asking."
Donnie stared at him, unblinking, as his heart missed a beat, then another. That was Leo's lying voice. He was lying, it was a show, it was exactly what Donnie wanted to hear. He ripped his hand out of Leo's grip and pulled his knees up to his chest, air coming in short bursts.
This was too much. Leo hurt himself. He left Donnie without a glance over his shoulder, Twice. Donnie hurt him, barbs about losing the key that he never should've let past his lips. And now he couldn't even get Leo to play the game with him anymore, how could they go forward?
Donnie saw no way forward. He covered his face with his hands and rocked a little, stuck. That panic choked him. He couldn't breathe.
There was presence on all sides of him. The lick of fear sparked his protective battery, a warning bolt of purple over his skin. He was too-hot. He was a boiling pot on a conjured stove. He was left alone in hell.
Or maybe he wasn't. There were voices, beyond the shroud. Donnie rocked back and forth, trying to find himself in the sea of sensations, the physiological feedback loop trapping him further and further in the cycle of overwhelm. Someone asked him a question. Someone asked him to breathe. Leo asked him to look at him.
Donnie glanced up from his crunched ball. Leo was directly in front of him, encouraging expression. All his own hurts pushed down in the face of Donnie's irrational panic. This wasn't helping, this wasn't fixing anything, and the frustration of it all just made the feedback loop worse, the panic redoubling its efforts.
"Hey, stay right here." Leo said. "Let's try something, okay? I think it'll help. I need you to reach out to me. Think about me. I'm gonna pull you out."
Donnie felt like he was always thinking about Leo, how was this any different? He must've read the confusion, for Leo added, "It's intention. Just try, please?"
Then Leo blinked, eyes flashing white, and Donnie understood. He wanted to mind meld. Donnie could see what the inside of his twin's head looked like, after wondering for what felt like his whole life. And perhaps with a bonus of breaking this panic attack that was absolutely destroying him right now.
Donnie reached out to Leo, thinking about a hand in his and the shy and sweet smile. It was completely effortless – only a millisecond of trying and he felt the way their minds intertwined in an instant.
There was relief, as the burden of his mental state went from a bursting dam to flowing into a much larger space, shared between two brains. The panic smoothed out into a lake, Leo's mental hands as familiar as his physical ones. His vision flashed white.
'I've got you.' Leo said, but it wasn't out loud. Pressure was determined by force divided by area, and the area had doubled, relieving that insane pressure. His twin wobbled a little under the sudden burst of it, but remained steady, holding them both up. He reminded, 'Breathe.'
The flash of annoyance passed between them like smuggling green beans under a kitchen table. Secret and wordless, a long established give and take, only turned into an ephemeral connection. Donnie wasn't even surprised, really, that they were the last to mind meld – they never needed it.
But it was sure helpful right now. Donnie could breathe, even as irritating it was for Leo to point out the obvious while in distress. He inhaled. Leo inhaled, in time. They exhaled together.
A couple gulps of air. Donnie felt self-conscious now that the panic had abated a little, knowing their brothers were right there. And the knowledge that he was forcing Leo to deal with what he could barely cope with himself. He withdrew his grip from the mental reach and felt the snap-back of panic into place, though Leo had calmed the storm for him a little. Not quite so sloshing-over-the-edges.
"I'm sorry." Leo said, and this time it was out loud. And a little dazed. "I didn't realize it was affecting you that much."
That was ridiculous. Donnie wanted to scream, because of course it was. Instead he shut his eyes, pushing through the weight of his burden again, since he'd been the one to disengage.
There was bickering on either side of him. Discussions on how to get back to the house – Raph offered again to carry Donnie, which Leo turned down on his behalf. Then Leo said he would carry Donnie, which was shot down by both Raph and Mikey on account of the cracks in his shell. The far more obvious reason of his bandaged arms was not voiced.
"I can walk." Donnie said, without opening his eyes. "I walked out here."
"Mhm." Leo said, with so much belief in his voice. Slash sarcasm. "You'll feel better once we're back at our room. You shouldn't have run out here."
That inspired Donnie to look up and gift Leo with a furious glare. He knew damn well why Donnie was out here. Leo raised his hands in faked innocent surrender. There were still tearstains on his cheeks. God, they were a fucking mess.
"Here, D." Mikey's voice came from the side, offering out the crutches. "Are you sure you don't want help?"
"I'm sure." Donnie hoped everyone present would be kind enough to ignore the tremble in his voice, and how his fingers were so weak they could barely get a grip on the forearm crutches. Despite the cracks in his shell and the bandages on his arms, Leo slotted himself into Donnie's side and aided him onto his feet.
Walking together as a unit felt like the universe aligned back into place, that they were whole once more, and Donnie couldn't stop the frustration blossoming that they were out here because Leo left him again. They weren't supposed to be apart. Then it all crashed over him again – the bandages on Leo's wrists, the bruises on Donnie's, bringing up the stupid key, and Donnie had to stop and catch his breath, the panic renewing despite whatever mental assistance Leo had given him. They'd barely made it ten steps.
"Alright?" Leo prodded, when they stalled. He was taking Donnie's weight on the left side.
"Fine." Donnie said through his teeth. "I made it out here, I can make it back."
Probably. Maybe. Donnie was pretty sure the blessing in disguise right now was that if it was anything other than Donnie having a breakdown, they'd still be chasing Leo through the forest trying to convince him to have a singular brain cell. That endless give and take of their issues, trading places on the guard – and Donnie was sure, in this moment, that Leo was more than happy to have the attention off of him.
Donnie wasn't fond of the attention himself. Raph's eyes on the side of his face, and how Mikey kept fluttering just this side of too-close, like he desperately wanted to fit himself into Donnie's unprotected right side. The worst part was that Donnie seriously wanted to let him, but the fear was much higher. At what point could he trust himself again? It was beginning to feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The pull and pull of the panic was like he was running a marathon back-to-back with another marathon. Sometimes he really couldn't believe he was the same turtle that survived ten days in hell, with how terrible he was at coping with even the smallest things back at home. Though it was perhaps that same determination that dragged him back home, tracing their path back through the forest, until he was able to brush past the questions of the remaining family members and lock himself in the dark room on the main floor. With Leo, of course.
All the overwhelmed everything would surely be relieved if he crawled underneath the blankets and pulled them over his head. Donnie did so, waiting for the world to stop ending. He didn't want to fight with Leo anymore. He didn't know how to do anything else.
"How we doing?" Leo asked, flopping on the mattress beside the Donnie-lump.
"I'm mad at you." Donnie replied, muffled.
"Well, that's good, because I'm mad at you too." Leo said, matter-of-fact. "But I meant with the panic attack thing. I'm serious, I felt that when we melded. That was pretty fucked."
Donnie didn't know how to respond, because it was definitely pretty fucked. And he thought about all the times he'd wished he could have access to the inside of Leo's head, and he'd been given that and hadn't even taken advantage of it. He'd been too busy swimming in his own misery.
Maybe it was exactly what they needed. "Can we try again?"
Donnie could practically feel the skepticism radiating off his twin. "You want to? I figured you stopped because you didn't like it."
He'd loved it, actually, the ease of his burden. He just didn't want to make it Leo's problem. Now the temptation came with a way they could talk without Leo being able to fabricate a hundred faces to subterfuge his way into winning. "I just wasn't expecting it. I am now."
Leo hesitated. But Donnie didn't, mentally reaching out.
Their minds tangled together. Leo took more than his share of the heavy panic off Donnie's shoulders once again, giving him the ability to breathe. For a few minutes, they stayed just like that, as if Leo was Atlas.
It got easier to think. Donnie felt less poisoned by the constant harassing thoughts, able to sort logically through their situation for a minute. The whirlwind of the last twelve hours or so. Another fight with his twin. Another wall of panic pushing him down. Another tick in the endless clock of 'recovery' that felt nothing like getting better and everything like his brain dragging him back into the worse over and over.
'Oof.' Leo said, but didn't say. They were inside their minds. A blank space where feelings flowed. Like they were standing in the hallway between two doors. 'I can help more, you know, if you let me in.'
Donnie thought about letting Leo inside his mind. And came to the conclusion that there wasn't much he wouldn't do for him, including this, and found that the mere passing thought manifested the reality, that neuron space creating…
A bedroom. One with purple and blue tracklights, a stack of warm blankets, and a hang of dust particles floating through the shining pin-pricked stars on the ceiling. It was a smashed combination of both Leo and Donnie's room, but most importantly it didn't have the weird-wrong feeling their actual home had given him.
However the floor was covered in books and papers. The shelves upended. As if a whirlwind had torn through in a frantic motion.
'Heh.' Leo glanced around, and without asking began to pick up the books off the floor. 'Should've figured. Nerd.'
'Hey.' Donnie crossed his metaphysical arms over his chest, watching how Leo instinctively knew where to slot each book in the shelf. 'Don't make fun of my brain.'
'I love your brain.' Leo replied, as quick and thoughtless as that statement always was. 'Just not when it's hurting you.'
That was true. And it was hurting him pretty badly right now. Donnie grabbed the huge purple Squishmallow, hugging it to his chest and smelling sandalwood candles. He sat on the floor and watched Leo put his mind back together. All the thoughts stopped running so fast. He breathed. The air successfully cycled through his lungs.
The version of Leo in his mind didn't look tired or thin, no bandages on his arms or bags under his eyes. Donnie stared at him for too-long, not speaking, not rehashing their fight or digging into their problems, enjoying the illusion that things were okay.
Until Leo got the floor cleared and sat down in front of him, breaking the fragile peace when he said, 'I never wanted to make you feel like that.'
Donnie bit his tongue against a hundred mean retorts, because Leo was approaching this in good faith, he hoped. He wanted to have a productive conversation, with this mind meld thing tearing down the barriers and the miscommunication and the lies. 'Are you going to listen to me, for once?'
'I've told you, D. That's all I ever do.' Leo smiled.
And the worst part was, with their minds locked together, Donnie could feel that he really believed that. As much as Donnie felt like he was screaming and Leo wasn't listening – whatever was actually happening, it wasn't something Leo was even conscious of.
'There's just been too much going on right now.' Donnie acknowledged, because Leo had felt the weight of all the panic firsthand and deserved an explanation. 'It wasn't your fault.'
'There is a lot going on.' Leo agreed, completely neutral. A deliberate lack of attention on the second half of Donnie's statement. The guilt hummed underneath the surface. Donnie wanted to reach out and touch it, to pull it into the light and dissect it. It felt slimy and gross. He knew if he pointed it out, Leo would find new ways to hide, even in this state of shared emotions. Minds interwoven liked a fish net.
'I shouldn't have said that about the key.' Donnie decided to lead with, because it was a really shitty thing to do.
'Don't worry about it, Tello. I'm the one who brought up potential scenarios if you hadn't followed me in the first place.' Leo smiled, closed-mouthed. The wash between them was less like emotion and more like a sensation. Standing inside a walk-in freezer.
'The Kraang are the ones at fault.' Donnie bulldozed over him. 'I shouldn't have said it, I just wanted to hurt you, and it worked, and I'm sorry.'
Leo's shoulders were tight. Again, Leo managed to keep the emotion from leaking over and it was a sensation instead. Hornet's nest pressed against skin.
'I shouldn't have left you again.' Leo replied, almost robotic. 'I just wanted to hurt you, but I didn't realize how much it would. I'm sorry. I won't do it again.'
Conviction and honesty. Donnie could've sagged in relief. Maybe this whole sharing emotions thing wasn't so bad, especially when Donnie himself didn't have to put any work into identifying his own, something he'd never excelled at. But Leo's? Please. He wrote the handbook on reading Leo from the twitch of his mouth in a smile to the scuff of his feet against the floor. Mind melding almost felt like being given cheat codes for a game he could already speed-run. No, the best part was that he could talk to Leo and know his twin was feeling everything his clumsy modality of speech could not convey, 'I really, really love you.'
The swim of his own emotion in the wade of this safe space he'd mentally created collided with the ocean wave of Leo's fear. A splashback. Leo practically staggered back, eyes shut, gripping his chest. Nowhere to hide. With bared teeth, he said, 'Stop using that as a weapon against me.'
'Is that what you think I’m doing?' Donnie asked, softer. 'Come on, L.'
'Don't you think it would be easier?' Leo's mouth twitched ruefully at the corner. Despite the fact that his arms were unmarred, he was idly scratching the insides. It made Donnie's arms itch. 'If you could heal on your own.'
Donnie couldn't control the drop of his stomach, missing a step swoop. Judging by the spasm on Leo's face, he felt it too. And his twin quickly added, 'I just mean, I mostly seem to makes things worse for you. I don't know.'
'And where do you go in this ridiculous hypothetical?' Donnie indulged, instead of the same argument that of course he wanted his twin, he jumped into hell to prove that.
'I'm not going anywhere.' Leo smiled, and the room swum with two things. Lies. And a sensation that Donnie recognized.
It was the same as claws around his throat, fingers twitching with air hunger, and the disappointment when he let go.
Leo's head snapped towards Donnie, eyes huge. He breathed, 'What was that?'
'Nothing.' Donnie added to the lies slithering around the room. Unfortunately, using this space to get the truth out of Leo kinda turned it back on Donnie.
Two twins staring at each other, mirrored on each side of the soft and welcoming room. Neither of them acknowledging what they weren’t saying. And not-saying the exact same thing.
'I’m not doing this on my own.' Donnie said, brushing past the real issue once more, even as it had a physical presence in the room. It wasn’t a room, it was floating blue and purple lights and all of Donnie’s mind laid out in Dewey decimal system. He wondered what Leo’s mind looked like. The thought brushed over them both, and Donnie could feel, without even putting a voice to the desire for the effortless mesh of their minds, that Leo would not open that door for him. And then the tangle of hurt it created joined them on the floor like a bundle of wires.
'You can’t deny that I’ve made it harder for you to get better.' Leo pointed out, kicking the ephemeral hurt in the middle of the room in a dramatic see? kind of way.
Donnie took a moment to remember what it felt like to wake up alone in a cave with Leo gone. Really letting himself soak in the feeling, going for a marinade and ending up in a pickle jar. Bitter.
Leo shivered from head to toe, absorbing the sensation and hugging his arms to his chest. He said through tight teeth, 'I get it.'
'I really don’t think you do.' Donnie eased off the gas, watching the tremor on Leo’s mouth. 'Or else you wouldn’t keep being this stupid. I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I am going to stay by your side, or did the jumping in after you not tip you off?'
Leo winced. Donnie took a moment to gather himself again, because he had a feeling if they started screaming at each other while mind melded it wasn’t going to end well for anyone.
'And I think I’ve made it pretty clear I’m never going to agree that it was a good idea for you to follow me.' Leo said, quieter. 'None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t come. You could've helped from the other side. I’m the one who lost the key, I’m the one who fixed it. You had nothing to do with it.'
Donnie raised a sharp perfect eyebrow. 'Um, actually I had everything to do with it. We are twins. I do not take that title lightly, it means the world to me, it is the foundation on which I have built my life.'
'And I’m dragging you down, Donatello.' Leo gave a smile that soaked the air in the disgusting slime of it. 'If I wasn’t here—'
'Then where the fuck would you be?' Donnie interrupted, really hammering this stupid point home, immediately breaking his choice not to argue inside the mind meld and feeling the physical recoil of Leo at the snap, smothering firecrackers with your hands. Painful. Stupid. Scared.
'I just think—' and Leo didn’t even need to finish the sentence.
Donnie was so done. 'I know what you think. And I'm saying: if you, then me.'
There wasn’t enough room in this space for how much volume the silence that followed inhabited. Full to bursting. Leo’s face drained of colour, a trembling mouth. He said, haunted, '… What?'
'If you, then me.' Donnie repeated, stubborn and shaking just as hard.
The room was getting too small for all they were pouring into it, the revulsion and agony rolling off Leo in unbearable waves. He said, 'D, you can’t.'
'Try me, bitch.' Donnie snapped. At the end of his rope. Exhausted from the effort of Leo actively working against this goal of keeping Leo alive.
'You wouldn’t. You’re too— you would never do that.' Leo breathed.
Donnie scoffed. He finally relinquished his hold on the memory, allowing the poison flower to bloom and reveal within the petals. Claws. The unique sensation of choking to death.
Leo gasped, soundlessly, as no air passed his throat. It was crushed like a tin can. His fingers twitched in what Donnie knew to be a very familiar air hunger. And the utter devastation washing through when the pressure released. The stark bird song of regret, undeniable and loud. The desire for it all to be over.
'I’m not afraid of death.' Donnie uttered, to the sheer horrified shock on Leo’s face. 'But I’m sure as hell afraid of life without you. So I say again, if you, then fucking me.'
'Mutually assured destruction.' Leo whispered, trembling as he ran a hand down his face. 'Well played, brother. Where did you learn such self-destructive tendencies?'
It was meant to have bite, Donnie could feel how it was supposed to cut, but it was merely a glancing blow. He’d learned from watching Leo dance a chess piece over the board, check-check-check. Following in mirrored footsteps. 'From the best, of course.'
Leo gave a hollow laugh. 'You wouldn’t do it.'
'Are you sure?' His brain felt like it was going to pop. He pushed through. This was more important.
'Our brothers. You’d really have them lose us both to prove a point?'
Donnie shrugged carelessly, with all the care in the world. 'Haven’t I already shown I’m willing to do that?'
Leo’s next hat in the ring was more desperate, 'This isn’t healthy.'
'Don’t give much of a fuck about being healthy in comparison to you being alive. We’ll do healthy later when you’re still here to see it.' Donnie was not going to lose this battle.
Leo stared. He stared. The space ballooned. The blueprints practically lit up in geometric lines, the tactical surrender clear and obvious even before Leo said, 'Relax, Dontron. Nothing's gonna happen to either of us.'
It wasn’t belief. It wasn’t love or trust. It was another play and they could both see it written on the walls. Donnie’s heart burst, and he spat, 'Get out.'
Leo gave one firm nod and slipped out the door. Donnie stood for a millisecond before he followed Leo into the endless hallway. He asked a question he already knew the answer to, calling it at Leo’s retreating back, 'Are you going to let me into your head?'
'No, I’m good.' Leo’s predictable reply.
Donnie asked the question he did not know the answer to, 'Why?'
Before he could gather the sensations of an answer, the bond was snapped apart.
Strings fluttered. The real floor emerged, carpet, dusty-smelling duvet, reality of air conditioning and a fluffy dog in Donnie’s lap. He blinked and stroked her head. Fur under fingertips. The slosh of all his own panic back in his own body, the spiderwebs of Leo's emotions clinging to him and falling flat without a tether.
Donnie raised his eyes and met Leo's. A chill ran down his spine.
After a moment, Donnie said slowly, "I think I've made my position clear. Are we understood?"
"Yeah, D." Leo said, voice rough. He lowered his gaze to watch the cyclic stroke of Donnie's hand on the dog's head. "We're understood."
Chapter Text
Mikey would love to say that he was normal about what happened, Leo appearing with bandaged arms and subsequently running away, but the reality was that he dragged his comforter down the hall and slept on the floor outside their bedroom that night.
He could hear Banana's whines on the other side at first, but when he laid down and did nothing else, she eventually gave up.
Mikey knew they slept in shifts, and he wondered who was awake right now. They surely would've noticed Banana whining when he came down the hall, but no one came and shooed him away. He took it as permission to stay, feeling as if by impeding the only exit no one would be able to separate to cause harm while alone.
It seemed like such an extreme measure, but Mikey didn't know what else to do. They wouldn't allow anyone else to help – or really, Leo wouldn't. And Leo was the one he was worried about.
Mikey arranged the comforter underneath himself, trying to keep the cool hardwood from digging into his elbows and knees, picking at the edges of his bandages on his wrists. He matched Leo. He always used to love matching with his cool older brother. It didn't feel so cool right now.
He stayed at his post and took solace in the fact that if Leo left, he would physically have to step over Mikey. He wasn't looking forward to whenever Leo's ninpo was strong enough to portal again, his innate cleverness manifesting such a powerful strategic tool that also gave the champion of avoiding his problems a quick and easy way to run away.
But he couldn't run without Mikey knowing. Not right now. If he wasn't able to be in the room with them, he'd settle for being an obstacle. Though it wasn't necessary – neither of them left the whole night.
At some point, when the house was swallowed in darkness and there was a very distant tick of a clock down the hall, Mikey heard quick, panicked breath.
Muffled through a door. But enough he could hear Leo's voice, "You're alright."
Must've been Donnie who was gasping like he was drowning. He stammered, "L-Leo?"
"That's me." Leo sounded so resigned, so tired. "You're alright, I promise you're alright."
More desperate heaves for air. Mikey ached as he listened, knowing his presence wouldn't be welcome and hating himself for wishing he'd gone through hell too just so he could be in there helping.
"Leo?" Donnie asked again.
"Still me." Leo replied, patient.
"Do we– do we–" Donnie struggled to speak, frantic inhales interrupting his attempt.
"Slow your roll, genius." Leo said, utterly fond and calm. "Do we what?"
"Do we have to eat Banana?"
Mikey felt as if he'd been struck with a hammer, pushing up on sore, burning arms to stare incredulously at the doorframe, as if it might answer the thousand questions that suddenly spawned in his mind. Ignoring that he'd never heard Donnie sound so scared – his logical and sensible big brother reduced to stammering in the middle of the night – what kind of question was that?
Leo didn't react in the same way, there was no confusion, no judgement. Just a simple, "No, we don't."
Mikey didn't manage to fall back asleep, even once Donnie was successfully calmed down. He kept hearing the words in his head, over and over. Leo's reaction like it was a normal question to ask. No statement that of course they didn't have to, why would he even ask?
They must've switched, because a couple hours later it was Leo who gasped awake. Just one huge inhale, loud and sudden.
"I'm okay." Donnie said, sounding exhausted. It was all he said.
Mikey stayed there, cold and uncertain, and nothing else happened. He dozed a little, but kept waking with a rush that Leo might've slipped past him. The sun had just begun to creep down the hallway in early pink streaks when the bedroom door opened and gave Mikey a heart attack.
Leo stood there, looking down at him, holding Banana by the collar. He whispered, "Since you're here, do you wanna let Banana out for me? She's whining."
Mikey stared up, half-asleep and unsure. "Will you come with?"
Leo glanced back, into the room, where Donnie would be. He said, "I better not."
Mikey didn't know what to do with that answer, but he could hear someone in the kitchen, so the house was waking up. It was probably safe to leave his post. He shrugged and held his arms out to Banana, who lunged out of Leo's grip on her collar to wiggle excitedly and cover him in fur. She smelt doggish and she was still sleep-warm.
He wrapped his arms around her, wincing at the way it tugged on his cracked skin. Leo's eyes, far too awake for the hour, lasered in on his bandaged arms. Mikey couldn't help but do the same in return, even if Leo was hiding most of it underneath a very large hoodie. There was a standoff.
"You should get some sleep, Angelo." Leo said. "We're fine in here."
"Totally." Mikey replied, and didn't elaborate further.
Leo lingered. Glanced back into the room again. He left the door open as he came to a crouch on Mikey's pile of blankets, opening his injured arms in offer.
There was never a day that Mikey would turn that down, even if he wasn't wound up in incredibly complicated knots of emotion that he couldn't seem to untangle. Taking the dog along, he lurched into the hug and clung Leo tightly around the waist.
"I'm sorry I scared you." Leo murmured to the top of his head, smoothing a hand on his neck. "But you've gotta take care of yourself. Go sleep in your own bed."
"I'm not scared." Mikey denied, because he'd transcended that emotion entirely.
"I don't want you fretting over me. Would it help if I promised it won't happen again?" Leo offered, holding him close as he spoke, and it was so tempting to believe he was being honest, that he really meant it, that he wouldn't lie about this.
But Mikey also remembered Leo snapping at him after he told Donnie about the photograph. And he felt uncharacteristically unkind when he wondered how much a promise to Mikey was worth to Leo.
In an attempt to directly counter his negative thoughts, Mikey hugged Leo harder. He was so, so, so incredibly grateful that Leo was here and he could hug him. A couple tears escaped and slid down his nose, but he kept that silent. He didn't know how to answer Leo's question, because he was pretty sure Leo making that promise would just make things worse when he inevitably broke it.
Banana wormed her way to lick the tears off his face, gross hot dog-breath and a strained giggle at the motion. Leo squeezed and cradled Mikey's head close enough to kiss the top of, and said, "I'm sorry."
Well, at least being sorry was better than running away or screaming at everyone. Mikey said, "I hope it starts to get easier for you soon."
"It'd be easier for me if I didn't have to worry that you're losing sleep playing guard dog." Leo offered.
There was a squirm of embarrassment at being caught. He said, "I'm sorry, I just didn't know what else to do."
"I understand." Leo said, and it really sounded like he did. His thumb was stroking the nape of Mikey's neck. "How about you let Banana out real quick, go grab some breakfast, then head to bed for an early morning nap? I bet there's a great sunrise right now."
"You won't come see it too?" Mikey tried again. It was such a strange juggling act, wanting the twins to be separate and seeing how much it hurt them when they were. It just sucked to think about Leo going back in that dark room to sit in silence and wait for Donnie to wake.
"Maybe next time." Leo said, and something tight loosened in Mikey's chest, just a little. It felt like at least trying, or acknowledging the intent to try. Something they didn't have before, just bottling up until… yeah.
"I'll hold you to that." Mikey gave one last squeeze and had to push Banana's little nose away when she licked the salt tears off his cheeks and managed to almost get her tongue up his nose. "Ew, come on, girl."
"She's helping." Leo contributed, and gave her a scratch behind the ears. There was something in his eyes as he looked at her, and it made Mikey want to ask, why would you have to eat her?
But he didn't ask. He pretended it was because he didn't believe Leo would tell him the truth. Really, Mikey didn't want to know the truth.
"I'll take her outside." Mikey reached out and caught Leo's fingers, careful of both their bandages, and squeezed gently.
Leo looked and him and smiled. It was weird, because he had that look, like he did when he had a plan, a blueprint to follow. Mikey really hoped he'd come up with something to help them both recover, and smiled back.
Mikey took Banana outside. There was a scatter of pink breaking over the horizon, and the dew covered grass made his socks wet because he forgot he might need shoes. He felt that hazy hangover from lack of sleep, the unreal float to the universe. Raph's head stuck out the back door.
"Hey." Raph said.
"Hi." Mikey replied. Banana tugged excitedly on the end of the lead to greet the newcomer. He was forced to follow, the pressure hurting his cracked hands.
"I've got her." Raph said, so Mikey let the leash fall. She bounded up the steps and jumped wet paws on Raph, who effortlessly picked the much smaller dog up and nuzzled her head against his, braced up on one arm. His own cracks were looking better, but he hadn't put nearly as much power into saving the twins as Mikey had.
"Alright?" Raph prompted, when Mikey had trailed off to stand there in the beautiful sunrise feeling like shit. Feet wet. Tingling in his fingertips, unpleasant and distracting. He missed his brothers. They were less than fifty feet away.
"I'm fine." Mikey said, well aware his voice didn't sound fine.
Raph opened his other arm that didn't already have dog in it. Mikey trudged up the steps and let Raph sweep him off his feet too, hugging his big brother around the neck and doing a really good job at not crying for the second time before breakfast.
"Did something happen?" Raph asked, a rumble by the side of Mikey's head.
A barely contained sob, more like a hiccup, because an unbearable amount of things had happened while simultaneously absolutely nothing had happened.
"Come on, I saw your blankets in the hall." Raph prodded, heading over to sit on the step, keeping both little brother and dog in his arms. Banana, free to move now that Raph wasn't standing, squirmed closer to Mikey once again.
Mikey bonked his head against hers, and said, "I heard – I heard Donnie have a nightmare. And he asked Leo if they'd have to –"
Breaking off with a wince, Mikey wasn't sure he wanted to voice this into the world. He felt ashamed that it freaked him out so much. He just didn't understand.
Banana whined, and her silky tail swished against Raph's legs when Mikey looked at her, stroking her insistent little muzzle. He whispered, "If they'd have to eat Banana."
Raph gave no outward reaction. "Are you sure he didn't mean like, the fruit? For potassium?"
Why would Donnie sound so devastated if that was the case? Mikey nodded, thumbing some sleep gunk from the corner of Banana's eye.
"April said…" Raph began, and seemed to visibly consider if he should speak. "Actually, this might suck to hear. Do you wanna know right now?"
Mikey was glad at least he was being asked, instead of just being left out of the loop as the youngest. It was this consideration that made him say, "Yeah," even though the answer was really no, he didn't want to know.
"She said they didn't have anything to eat while they were in there." Raph said, a little rushed, like it might be less painful if he did it fast enough. "That they only ate something once and Donnie refused to tell her what it was."
In eerie unison, Raph and Mikey looked at Banana. She immediately began to wag her tail at the attention. Do we have to eat Banana?
It didn't make sense. He had no idea what they could've eaten. What would make Donnie ask that now. But all the potential options were terrible. All the things Mikey couldn’t even pretend to anticipate might've happened. He'd wanted answers so badly. And now he had a scrap of one, and suddenly it was like… nevermind. Go back.
"Why is it always worse?" Mikey whispered. "Why did they have to go through that?"
Raph sighed. It was world weary and tired. "I don't know. But we have the most brave, headstrong, stubborn brothers in the world. They survived. They are going to keep surviving. We're gonna make sure of it."
Mikey thought, helpless, how? But he didn't say more, too tangled up and lost and unspeakably tired.
"Come on, wanna have some breakfast?" Raph coaxed.
Mikey couldn't look away from Banana. "I'm not really hungry. I'm gonna go back to bed, I think."
Raph's gentle fingers thumbed Mikey's chin. "The thing that'll help them the most, you know, is if you took really good care of yourself."
Mikey's stomach knotted. He gave a small nod, and said, "I'll come have lunch, I promise. I'm just not hungry right now."
"Alright." Raph said. "Go and get some sleep. I'll watch our Chocolate Covered Bananas."
The dog perked up at the sound of her name. She danced from their grip and spun in a circle, nails clicking on the deck.
Mikey pressed one last hug into the solid weight of his oldest brother, letting himself have a final moment of safety and security, before getting up on weak legs and heading back inside. He scooped up his blankets from the floor outside the twin's room, hesitating and listening for a minute. There was no sound from inside. He wondered if Leo was sitting up in bed, cold eyes staring at the wall, waiting for his twin to wake.
His sore hands tightened their grip on his blankets. He went back to his room.
Mikey had a room on the second floor, with a huge window he'd left open for the breeze. It made the space smell of fresh air and dew. He closed it, fingers trembling from the effort of the latch, and the pain raced up his nerves. They'd given him the room with a big desk in case he wanted to draw, and all his pencils were untouched in their cases. Blank paper in perfect stacks. Mikey wrapped the blanket around himself and crawled up on the bed. Springy and soft. He wondered what the twins slept on while they were in hell.
The morning turned around him. Pinks turned to blue sky outside his window on the second floor, a line of treetops. He was so tired, it was in every inch of his skin. But his eyes couldn't close. He could feel his heartbeat in his arms, down each individual finger. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. Fire ants crawling underneath his skin. Itchy and hot and spasming.
Dazedly, he raised the bandaged arms aloft in front of him. He had always wanted to be Leo the most when he grew up, his idol, his big brother who could do anything. He was the best at skateboarding, at video games, at giving Mikey a hug when he was upset, at distracting Raph from his worries or calming down Donnie. Mikey wanted to be Leo, cool and charming and sweet.
But he didn't want this. He didn't want the matching bandages on his arms, what it meant to be Like Leo right now. How much it twisted his chest in worry to think about how Leo could be hurt and not do anything to fix it, do things to make it worse.
Mikey didn't want that. He really, really didn't want that. And Raph said that the best way to help them was to help himself, and Mikey understood. He'd done enough Doctor Feelings over the years and he could recognize that this was a moment of putting the life-vest on yourself before assisting others.
And all the thoughts about how he shouldn't be taking away from the twins, that he didn't have it nearly as bad as them – it had never been clearer with the smallest pieces of information they'd gotten on what happened, and never been further away from understanding. But Mikey was struggling to understand because he was in pain all the time and it was distracting and lowering his capability to cope so much. He didn't want to be another thing for them to worry about. It wasn't a competition of who hurt more. His logical understanding warred with his huge heart. And Mikey came to the painful conclusion that he did not want to be Leo.
He wanted to ask for help, to accept it, and feel better. He didn't want to make any of his brothers feel how Leo was making him feel right now.
Mikey rolled over his rumpled blankets and grabbed his phone. He checked his messages and found the text string with Draxum, where he'd said, 'don't worry about it i know it's a long trip! i'm doing fine :)' in response to his offer to come check on his arms a few days ago. And Barry had replied, 'let me know if that changes, it's not that far'.
He hovered on the text box, trying to think how to word his request, thumb idly rubbing the largest fissure in his skin through the bandages. He typed and retyped a few different attempts, and ended up sending, 'hey barry, do you think you could come by with that salve soon?'
Good enough. Mikey flopped back into his pillows, staring with eyes half-mast at the untouched piles of art supplies in the streaks of daylight. He got up to close the curtains, grabbing a sweater from the floor and cocooning himself back into the blankets. By the time he was comfy again, Barry had replied.
'Yes. I can be there later today, if that works for you.'
Mikey sent back a thumbs up. Then he pulled the blankets over his head.
A hot echo-chamber of warmth and sticky dreams, wading through a swamp of thoughts and anxieties. The pain in his hands always followed him into his sleep, like it was embedded deep in his soul. Inescapable.
Someone freed him from the heat, the blankets tugged away from his face and a heavy weight at his side. Mikey turned with little brother instinct into the presence beside him, hands trembling.
"You said you'd get up for lunch." Raph reminded him, something funny in his voice.
"Mhm." Mikey agreed, in his half asleep state, burying his face in Raph's side. The hand that rested on his arm was cool in comparison to his little hot bubble.
"And Draxum's here." Raph added. "He said you texted him."
"I did text him." Mikey said, through the cotton in his mouth. His jaw kinda hurt, like he'd been gritting his teeth together.
"Are you okay?"
Mikey exhaled slow. He kept his face hidden. He didn't want Raph to worry. But he was already worried.
"Mikes." Raph said, and coaxed his baby brother to sit up and give him the trembling hands. "He said you were asking about your hands. Are they hurting you?"
All the internalized shame and guilt were too loud for a moment. Mikey felt as if he could taste the enamel in his teeth he'd ground down. He flexed his fingers in Raph's gentle grip, feeling the lightning bolts in his nerves.
"Come on, bud." Raph said, nervous and encouraging. "It's me. I know we ain't the twins, but we're still in this together. You can talk to me."
"I know." Mikey said, and he did. They'd had their own shared experience from this side of the portal, that same stolen desperation in his lungs that he could see mirrored in Raph's face every moment of those ten days. "Yeah. My hands, they... they really, really hurt, Raphie."
His voice cracked down the middle, damning.
Raph's face fell, dark and devastated, and ducked his head to press an angel-like kiss on Mikey's burning fingers. When he looked back up, his eyes were shining, "I really hope Draxum can help. Thank you for calling him. I don't… why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm telling you now." Mikey shrugged, fingers tingling and heart so full to bursting with how much he loved his big brother. "I was being stupid about it. Sorry."
"What changed your mind?" Raph said.
"Watching other people being stupid about it." Mikey withdrew his hands so he could start to untangle the blankets from his legs. He didn't have to specify further, they both knew who and what he was talking about. They might not be twins, but they definitely rode the same wavelength.
"I hear you." Raph sighed, getting up and fetching Mikey a new pair of socks. "Whatever you need, just let me know, okay?"
"I will." Mikey promised, with surety. "And you too, right? Because we're not the stupid ones here?"
Raph gave a heartbroken little smile. "Yeah. But what I need is for you to be alright. Come on, Draxum's downstairs discovering how soft dogs are, you don't want to miss it."
That was correct, Mikey absolutely did not want to miss that. He held Raph's arm the whole way down the stairs, something about how clutching him close made the pain different. It was probably the pressure, but Mikey pretended that his big brother had magic healing powers because it made him feel better.
"Michelangelo." Draxum greeted, from where he was crouched in the middle of the farmhouse living room floor, rubbing Banana's fluffy belly as she laid on her back, paws up in the air and tongue hanging out the corner of her mouth. "Have you seen this creature?"
"I have." Mikey gave a giggle that seemed to pop directly from the middle of his chest, joining Draxum in the middle of the patterned rug to feel her soft belly. "Did you have lunch? I could make you something."
"Nuh-uh." Raph called, having brushed right past the living room into the kitchen. "Raph's cooking. What do you want?"
"I do not require lunch, thank you." Draxum said, head moving up to look at Mikey's face. Mikey didn't meet the stare, focusing on the dog instead. "Why don't we go chat while Raphael prepares you something?"
"Okay." Mikey agreed, quiet. The moment they stopped petting Banana, she righted herself and shook, head to tail, a rattle of the little tags on her collar. "Make whatever, Raph. We'll be out back."
"Macaroni it is." Raph replied, which was the only thing he knew how to make.
They took the dog with them outside. She immediately bolted off to bark at a bird in a tree, and Mikey sat on the deck chair in the shade of a multi-coloured umbrella. Draxum took the chair beside him, pulling some tins from his pockets and placing them on the table.
"May I see your hands?" Draxum asked, business-like.
Mikey stared at the bandages. His heart thumped a little hard. He glanced back at the house, where the curtains to the twins’ room were still shut. The big hoodie hiding the bandages on Leo's arms. Mikey rolled up the sweater sleeves and peeled his own off, the breeze cool and prickling against his sweaty and sensitive skin.
"Michelangelo." Draxum said, in a tone of voice that Mikey could not determine the meaning of.
"I just wanted it to go away on its own." Mikey said, tight, turning his arms to inspect at all angles. The deep, deep fissures in his skin, the valleys blackened in the middle of his crackled green. "I kept hoping it would hurt less if I just gave it time. But it hasn't."
"You mean you didn't want to be a burden." Draxum said, calculating and cool.
Mikey flinched, withdrawing his hands back in.
Draxum sighed and stopped him, clinically taking his wrist and holding it aloft. "But this is a problem, one that will not get better if you ignore it. Perhaps I should've insisted on checking on you sooner, but I cannot fix what I do not know is wrong."
"I know." Mikey said, throat tight, because he did know. He refused to look at the cavernous cracks in his own arms and watched Banana brace her front paws on a tree trunk to better bark at the birds.
"It is silly to think of yourself as a burden. I know that Lou considers you all his greatest gifts. He has told me that the point of family is to carry each other. It is what they … what we are here for." Draxum informed him, stiff and awkward and ridiculously endearing.
"Spent a lot of time discussing family with Dad, have you?" Mikey finally tipped his face back to Draxum, a bit of an amused smile on his face.
"It's the only thing we have in common." Draxum shrugged, uncomfortable.
"Aw, Barry." Mikey said, then offered his hands out again. "Hit me with your best shot. I'm seriously ready for this to get better, it's so tiring."
"The salve stings." Draxum warned. "Even more than it probably does right now."
"But it helps?" Mikey asked.
"It will help." Draxum replied, sure, fully confident.
"Okay. Let's eat lunch first, then. I wanna be able to actually lift a fork." Mikey decided, then gifted Draxum with a smile. Packing it with sincerity and warmth. "Thank you."
"I am glad to be of assistance." Draxum inclined his head, and there was a tweak of a smile in the corner of his mouth too. It wasn't a burden, it was a gift for family to carry each other.
If only he could convince everyone of that.
Chapter 33
Notes:
i really appreciate all your patience. things have been not ideal lately, including some time at a hospital bedside, but things are hopefully improving now and i am hoping to get back to something more normal soon
Chapter Text
"When did Draxum get here?" Donnie asked, tipping his head to see Raph.
Their oldest brother was washing pots in the sink, sloshing the counter with soapy water and bubbles. Draxum had appeared in the doorway and pulled Splinter from the kitchen back onto the deck. Raph said, "Just a little while ago. He's come to help with Mikey's hands."
"Good." Leo said, short.
Donnie wasn't surprised that his twin had noticed Mikey was hurting. Raph turned and said, "You knew?"
Leo gave an expression that said, of course he knew. Donnie bit his tongue to avoid volunteering that he also knew.
Raph gave a hum. He said, slow, "Draxum's brought a salve to help. But it stings pretty bad, he said."
"Poor kid." Leo replied.
"Yeah." Raph agreed.
Donnie got up under the guise of pouring himself a cup of tea, standing on his tiptoes to see out the back window. It was immediately obvious why Draxum had pulled Splinter outside – Mikey was crying, a steady stream down flushed cheeks, and Splinter was crouched in front of him holding his hands, talking slow.
Draxum was hovering nearby, holding Banana by the collar and to keep her from mobbing the crying turtle. He was petting her soft head, though his sharp gaze was unwavering from Mikey as he breathed through what looked to be quite a lot of pain.
Donnie stared, the kettle in his hand, and found that he really, really wished that he could give Mikey a hug right now. That he could go outside and insert himself into the situation by gathering his baby brother in a hug, making a fuss of him and earning a smile as he competitively squeezed so hard their ancestors could feel it.
It was what he wanted. Donnie had found he could pet Banana and nothing bad happened, would the same translate to his family? The stakes seemed higher, somehow. There were no expectations with a dog. No precedence to set.
"He'll be okay." Raph said, and Donnie realized he'd completely zoned out while staring through the window at their brother.
"Of course he will." Donnie straightened his spine, shooing Raph with a prim motion away from the sink so he could fill the kettle and pop it back on the cradle to boil. For a moment, he almost lit the fuse with a flicker of his ninpo before he remembered he didn't have to do that. Instead he slowly reached out and flicked the switch.
He didn't ask Leo if he wanted a cup of tea, because he knew he'd just get some stupid answer, and made two steaming mugs. Leo gave him a sideways look when he was handed the drink, but didn't argue.
Donnie held the mug with one hand to feel the zing of warmth through the ceramic, scrolling on his phone with the other. He didn't have much luck looking up mystic wounds on even the weirdest corners of the internet and wished he had access to the library. Why weren't there mystic e-books?
Raph finished the dishes and hovered on the edge of the kitchen. He asked, "Do you guys need anything?"
Donnie didn't glance up from his scroll. "Uranium."
After a startled beat, Raph laughed out loud. He grinned at him and said, "If I could get you that right now, I would."
"You could if you weren't a coward." Donnie pointed out, looking up from his phone just to provide his most playfully scathing look and a raised brow.
Raph practically bounced on his heels. "You're right, you're right. I'll work on that. What about you, Leo?"
Leo was staring at the Garfield clock on the wall, eyes flicking back and forth with the swing of his tail, chin in hand. He mumbled, "Whatever Donnie wants, sure."
That deflated some of the energy in the room. Raph and Donnie exchanged a careful look.
"Leon." Donnie nudged their legs, somewhere between gently getting his attention and kicking his brother under the table.
"Hm?"
"Drink your tea."
Leo glanced down where the full mug had cooled to tepid, the steam long gone. He picked it up and took a sip. Then he set it back down and returned his chin to hand.
Donnie sighed, and gave Raph a strained smile. There was only so much he could do.
The tea went unfinished. April appeared and convinced them to join her in the rec room in the basement. It had been universally occupied by Splinter up until this point, with the large flat screen TV and a huge sectional couch.
There was a towering pile of blankets on the cushions, the basement much cooler than the upper levels, and April was watching some terrible home renovation show. Leo rolled his eyes when he saw it, because he never liked those.
"You don't have to watch." April said.
Leo glanced at Donnie.
"It's fun to mock them." Donnie replied, then hesitated. "But we don't have to watch it."
"You just said you find it fun, so yes we absolutely have to." April chimed in, blunt.
Donnie really, really hated how weak and codependent it sounded, but he couldn't stop the scared request, "I don't want Leo to leave."
Leo blew out a breath and gave Donnie a very unimpressed look. "I'm not leaving. You guys can watch your show, I seriously don't care."
Despite himself, Donnie kinda wished that he did care, at least a little. April dug in the blankets to withdraw her laptop and her big headphones attached to it. "You could watch something else on this, if you want."
"Sure." Leo agreed. "Everyone wins. You guys get to hang out, I don't have to leave. Take a breath, D."
Hot shame was prickling his face, along with the panic he hadn't pinned until Leo pointed it out. He scowled, but did as he was told, taking a long inhale and a shaky exhale. Nothing to panic over. He was going to watch some silly TV with his best friend while his twin did not leave him.
April laid on the long L of the sectional, and Donnie stayed close to Leo on the cushion, sitting crossed-legged with his back straight for the best view of the TV. His twin put his feet on Donnie's lap and laid on his stomach, resting his head on arms swallowed still in that enormous stolen Raph hoodie, hanging past his fingertips. It completely gave the illusion that there was nothing wrong with his arms at all. He clicked a few times on the trackpad, but must've immediately found what he wanted as he put the headphones on and shut his eyes. The screen was tipped down, so whatever it was, he wasn't watching it but listening to it.
That hang of panic stuck around as they watched the ridiculous renovation show. Donnie clutched Leo's calves and despite the weight of his feet he repeatedly glanced over at his brother to make sure he was still there. And he was, entirely motionless, breathing that incredibly even and slow that told he was not asleep. Donnie would've liked it better if he was asleep.
The commercials played. Colourful and so far removed from Donnie's current brainspace, it was almost laughable. April kept glancing over at them too.
"I know what you think." Donnie said, eventually, because he couldn't stand this fiction that they were hanging out without any baggage at all. The jokes just a little too stilted. He couldn't get absorbed in the stupidity and mockery because he was too focused on the hangover panic and the crush of expectations that he hated to feel from April, his best friend, someone he'd never felt like he needed to perform for. That wasn't the case now.
"What do I think?" April asked, sitting back and drawing her knees to her chest. She had overalls on, the knees stained with old dirt, and a yellow sunflower shirt on underneath. She turned her head to look at Donnie and smushed her cheek into her dirty knee.
"That this is codependent." Donnie tightened his grip on Leo's legs. As if speaking it would invoke them to be torn apart. "That I'm being quite ridiculous for someone of my intellect."
"Yes, I do think this is codependent." April shrugged her shoulders lethargically. "But I know that you know that. I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I don't know what you endured and I don't want to take away what got you through. It just happens to be a person."
"Kinda feels like you do wanna take him away, a little." Donnie said, throat tight, thinking about her separating them in a grass field for their own good and the mess it caused.
“I’m sorry about that.” April bit her lip. “Seriously. I got frustrated and that’s not on you. But I really hope you know that you can tell me to stop anytime I’m doing something you don’t like and I will.”
Donnie felt that same squirm of discomfort that kept him from speaking up last time. “I just … I don’t like feeling weak.”
“God, bubs, there’s nothing wrong with being weak.” April looked like she might cry, mouth wobbling. “You are one of the strongest people I know. But you can rest now.”
Donnie felt the smile on his face, forced and painful to hold in place. Was this how Leo felt all the time? “We can’t.”
April stared at him sadly. She hesitantly said, “Maybe you should think again about talking to someone trained in this kind of thing. Just, because, you know…”
She trailed off, and they both glanced at Leo. The huge sleeves hid what was underneath, but Donnie knew what was there just as surely as he knew his twin.
“You know he won’t do anything unless you are too.” April stated, quite needlessly, as yes of course he knew that.
"Who would we even talk to?" The idea of baring the horror of what happened to anyone else still made his stomach writhe. "I don't think there's a specialist for going to hell."
"There are trauma specialists, though." April said. "Raph said that you asked him to help after what happened to Leo. This is going to be the best way to help."
"You're weaponizing our codependency against us." Donnie pointed out.
"Hell yes I am." April said. "Leo won't get better unless you do first. So it's a good thing that you're so sensible and you're going to agree with your sister."
"I don't know, April." Donnie sighed, wishing he could squeeze her hand. She sounded so upset. "Seriously, I've got no idea. I'm a huge mess. The thought of … pulling on the strings and unravelling this is so fucking terrifying."
"And letting it all be out of your control is so much better?" April prompted.
Donnie hated things being out of his control. He levelled April with an unimpressed look at exploiting yet another way that she knew him too well. Leo wasn't the only person in the world who knew him. It was kind of nice to remember that.
April spread her hands. "Doesn't have to be a human. I'll walk every inch of the Hidden City looking for a therapist for you, if you tell me you'll go for it."
Donnie glanced helplessly at his twin again. The perfect even breathing, headphones and closed eyes. He wondered what Leo was listening to, usually he went for lo-fi music or the occasional audiobook. Donnie hoped he was enjoying it, but that seemed so far away.
"I really, really don't know." Donnie said, because he was fairly sure even if he got a therapist, there was no way in hell Leo would. Or Leo would get one and pretend to cooperate, or talk them around in circles. And it was all so incredibly daunting, a huge mountain he could never hope to climb.
"Better than a flat no, I guess." April sighed, sinking back into the soft couch some more. "Take this question with the least amount of pressure and only encouraging support, but you could talk about it a bit more with me, if you want."
"I don't want to talk about it, that's the whole point." Donnie said, dry. But relented a little, because there was something. "I could ask your advice, though."
"Absolutely." April nodded enthusiastically. "I am right here for you, baby. You know I give great advice."
"That is why I'm asking." Donnie kept a perfect monotone, for the bit.
"Hit me." April beamed, all her teeth showing in her smile.
Donnie flexed his grip on Leo's legs. He glanced over at his sister once more. He ventured, "I want to…" then grimaced, because voicing the words 'hug my family' just seemed so ridiculous to have as a hurdle.
"Yeah?" April encouraged, when he didn't speak again.
Donnie swallowed, throat a little sore. The TV played a muted pantomime, flashing lights over their faces. He said, quieter, "I'm scared to hurt you guys if I try again."
"Ah." April's mouth rounded in an understanding 'o', then softened. "We get that it's hard. Take all the time you need, for real."
"That's what I'm saying." Donnie tightened his grip, upset. "I want to now. But I don't know how to go about…"
April held out her hand. "Like this."
Donnie stared at it. He flexed his grip but didn't move closer to her. "But I might hurt you."
"You want it, right? Your ninpo is an extension of yourself. It was protecting you. And I'll be honest, Donnie, I'm glad it was shocking us if we're touching you when you don't want it."
"I do, I want you guys." Donnie shook his head, guilt and shame.
"And everytime you've shocked us, it was when we were reaching out and touching you when you weren't ready. So I'm waiting and I'm here, you can reach out on your own time. I won't make any sudden moves, promise."
It seemed so silly. Donnie's face flamed with embarrassment. But April merely braced her hand on the couch and relaxed back, hand open and waiting, turning the TV sound back on.
Donnie didn't watch the show. He stared at her fingers, and wondered if she was right. Logically, her hypothesis made sense – all instances of the ninpo shock activating was when someone was reaching out and touching him when he wasn't wanting or expecting it. If his ninpo was an extension of him, and he didn't want to shock April, he should be able to just reach out and…
The warmth of Leo's legs under his palm disappeared as he let go and reached out, hovering in mid-air. Then he inhaled, sharp and brave, and took April's hand. He squeezed. She squeezed back.
"You got this." April said. "See?"
"Yes." Donnie squeezed again then let go, not wanting to ruin a good thing, drawing back into his bubble.
"I'll make sure everyone knows that you're only down for hugs if you're the one initiating." April said, less of an offer and more of a statement. "If anyone pushes that boundary then it's their own fault if they get fried."
"I don't think that's how that works." Donnie said, sore. He hugged Leo's legs in his lap and tried to calm the way his heart was racing.
"That's exactly how it works, actually." April said, surety in her voice. "You just let me know anything else you need, and we'll get it. Same with Leo, of course. But you'll have to be the one to tell us, because we all know he won't."
Decades of being Leo's sibling had taught them all better. If only it had actually made them more capable of actually helping him. It was such a shame that deflection and diversion were a magician's trick and he'd been vanishing handkerchiefs and emotions for as long as he could.
Donnie glanced at his twin once more. Leo hadn't even so much as twitched. The temptation was strong and undeniable, to see whatever grabbed his attention. Donnie carefully reached over, raising the lid of April's laptop and waking the screen.
It was a blank screen. He wasn't listening to anything at all. Donnie's stomach twisted uncomfortably, reminded of when they were in the cave and he'd lent Leo his headphones in noise-cancelling mode. He had all the options in the world, and yet…
"Are you listening to us, Leonardo?" April asked, because she could see the nothing on the screen as well. But Leo didn't so much as twitch.
"I think it's on noise cancelling." Donnie reported, having made the connection.
"Why?"
Even knowing that it was something they'd done in hell, he wasn't any wiser as to why Leo would do it now. Maybe just for the quiet? Donnie wasn't particularly fond of the quiet, himself. It felt too much like he was listening for something to happen, on edge and tense.
Leo did seem a little tense right now. None of the usual melt into the couch cushions, head still braced on his arms. Wouldn't that hurt? Donnie couldn't get the image of the horror show of blood in the bathroom out of his head. He felt a bit dizzy. Maybe he was panicking. God, this was so stupidly exhausting.
"Alright?" April asked.
"Obviously not." Donnie replied, just a bit of a bitch, but he felt it was warranted as his throat felt like it was closing. Again.
"What do you need?"
Donnie whistled air through his pinhole. He thought about turning and shaking Leo out of his trance for help. It was hard to tell if that would be a good idea – if Leo was getting anything out of laying on the couch listening to nothing, and if Donnie interrupted him then it would be this vicious endless cycle of codependency that they were just going to circle around the drain over and over.
"I'd like an entirely new set of neurons, mine appear to be broken." Donnie reported, through gritted teeth.
"On it, boss." April gave a wry smile, both of them aware she could not do that for him. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"I could help you logic through it."
"I don't want logic, I want -–" Donnie broke off and shook his head, managing a crowed laugh. He tipped up a sad grin at April. "Did you hear that? 'I don't want logic'? What the hell is wrong with me?" He'd been about to ask for an instantaneous fix with no effort whatsoever on his part. As if Donnie hadn't been putting maximum effort in everything he did, forever, building the impossible and creating miracles. But he couldn't put a screwdriver in his brain, he couldn't wipe the memory drives and fix the flawed code.
"I heard you." April replied. She didn't provide any further commentary on what the hell was wrong with him, which was probably for the best at this point. "We don't have to do logic right now, there's always time for that later. How about addressing our basic needs? Are we hungry? Tired?"
Donnie wanted to point out that April had adopted the twin's fun little coping habit of using 'we'. It didn't seem the moment to do so. Instead he begrudgingly turned himself introspective to his own body and scowled at the mass of sensations he found. There was heat prickling his neck, misplaced panic? Firing nerves? Annoying. His midsection hurt, which could've been his stomach. His mind felt foggy and soupy but he hadn’t had a clear thought in what felt like weeks now.
Donnie was so sick of the panic, of it living inside him and waiting to roar up and make him irrational and scared and angry. Like his body and mind were completely out of sync, two trains running on different tracks.
Was the pain in his stomach hunger or just twisted upset? Was the fog tired or just lost? Maybe he left all the things that made him Donatello on the floor of a cave.
The pressure increased. Like a balloon itching to pop. All the anticipation of the sound, the stretch pull of rubber and Donnie was scared what the burst would be. He didn’t want something like blood in a bathroom. He didn’t want more screaming at the people he loved. He didn’t want this, his mind was locked in a moment in time — as if he was still slashed softshell against rocks, heavy weight kneeling on his chest trapped, and the claws, the claws around his throat, and he was a pest being exterminated and god how he wished he’d just do it already.
“I’m sorry.” Donnie stammered, because he’d truly worked himself into a spiral now. Nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong.
“Really not trying to beat a dead horse here, but therapy could help with this.” April said, worried and watching, hand twitching where she’d left it in reach but not closing the gap.
“Love some equine homicide.” Donnie gasped out.
“It’s not homicide, the horse is already dead. Come on, it’s not like they could make it worse?”
“If I agree to let you look into it, will you shut up about it?”
“Yup.”
Donnie gave a weak thumbs up. Then he curled entirely around Leo’s legs and tried to calm down from his completely unnecessary panic attack. He was literally watching shitty home renovation shows right now, for fuck's sake, why did he feel like he was being chased?
His stomach lurched with the memory of gravity completely inverting when Prime yanked him backwards out of Leo’s grip. Why was existence such a fucking mine field? Donnie felt like he was wandering in the dark stubbing his toes over and over, cursing and swearing instead of just turning on the light. April wanted to help him turn on the light.
Donnie was just so fucking scared of what he might see.
Leo must’ve felt him shaking, as he finally moved, dislodging the headphones and moving over to wrap Donnie up in a python hug, since he had both his legs and arms involved. He mumbled, sounding far away, “Is she upsetting you again?”
“I’m upsetting myself.” Donnie defended, because bright win at getting to squeeze her hand was still there. She’d managed to break that barrier, even just a little. “Don’t start now.”
“I’m not starting anything. I’m a notorious non-starter.” Leo said, and it was a joke.
Donnie huffed and clung closer. His heartbeat stung. And while he loved this, he found… damn it, he really wanted a Raph hug. One to just crush him with the full strength of Raph’s big heart and big arms. The snare drum of his pulse continued, even as the painful conversation dissolved. April got a phone call from her mom shortly after and they trailed back upstairs.
Draxum and Splinter were having a low and serious conversation in the kitchen, so Donnie bypassed them and went out onto the back deck. Raph was playing fetch with Banana in the grass, a chasm between his brow a contrast of the game.
“Where’s Mikey?” Donnie asked, sitting on the step and watching with his hands strung between his legs.
“He went back to bed.” Raph replied, undeniably worried. “But Draxum said he should be okay.”
Donnie glanced up at the window where Mikey’s room would be. It was dark.
“Leo, come play with your dog.” Raph said, and it wasn’t a request.
Leo glanced at Donnie.
“Go play with your dog.” Donnie agreed.
“You could too.” Leo pointed out.
Donnie raised his injured leg. “Pass. Go for it.”
Leo hesitated, but Raph was waving the throw toy expectantly. Donnie felt the vacuum of space beside him when Leo stood up, but he was so totally normal about it. The high level of anxiety inside him for the last few days — weeks now maybe? — ratcheted up impossibly more. That same helpless frustration with no vent.
Raph stopped to speak to Leo for a moment, the two of them in the middle of the grass, too low for Donnie to hear. Raph clasped Leo’s shoulder, and Leo practically sagged under the weight of it. Raph said something. Leo didn’t say anything back. The chasm between Raph’s brow grew. Leo stepped out from underneath the touch and offered Banana the toy before tossing it.
Raph stared at his retreating back, then turned his gaze to Donnie.
Without context of what was said, Donnie could only guess. But he had a pretty good idea anyway. He shrugged and gestured at the spot beside him in offer.
Raph lumbered over and sat, carefully leaving enough space between them. Donnie appreciated it, even if he kinda had a plan right now for what he really wanted. Which was a Raph hug. He was going to psyche himself up to it. Totally.
Instead he sat in quiet panic, watching Leo mechanically play fetch with Banana, who raced through the grass at absolute top speed, tongue flopping, head perked and lasered in on the orange Kong at all times. Donnie kept waiting for Leo to smile at the sight. He didn't.
"How was Mikey really?" Donnie asked, mostly because trying to tackle Leo seemed too vast at the moment.
"Struggling." Raph said. "But I think we all are."
"You too?" Donnie tipped his head towards his big brother, surprised at the honesty.
Raph shrugged. "Yeah."
Donnie really, really wanted to hug him. It was prickling all over his skin. A deep pressure hug from Raph was the best cure, and he knew for a fact that it always helped Raph just as much to hold his little brothers. He thought about reaching out and squeezing April's hand. It didn't hurt her. He could do this. He just had to reach out. The version of himself that would've killed for a Raph hug while in hell was practically sobbing inside him, ashamed and hurting that he'd been home for so long and hadn't gotten that solace.
"You alright?" Raph leaned around to see Donnie's face better, that undeniable worry not abating. "Do you want me to get Leo to come back over?"
The panic was a garrote around his throat. A wheezed breath. Leo was ruffling Banana's ears, taunting her gently with the orange toy before tossing it again. He wasn't smiling, but his expression was a little softer when Banana came bounding back towards him. Donnie could totally do this. He'd hugged Raph literally a million times.
"You're good." Donnie said, scraping his dry esophagus. He bit his lip, tension running up and down all his muscles. It was almost vibrating like a live wire, which made him nervous about the whole 'shocking' thing again, but tried to remind himself what April said. It was his ninpo. "Can I ask you a favour?"
"Yes." Raph replied, sharp-quick.
Donnie felt the heat crawling up his neck and face. "I – I understand if you don't want to risk it, considering what's happened before, but I – I would really like, that is to say, it would be very nice if – um…"
There was so much liquid fondness on Raph's face, even mixed with his worry, that it made that burning heat in his cheeks brighter. His big brother said, "Whatever you need, Don. I'm right here. Even if it's a 'risk', as you put it."
"Okay." Donnie rhythmically clenched his hands, just to feel the flex of the joints and the strain of his muscles, the panic pinging in his brain like popcorn. He wanted a damn hug. He was a badass motherfucker, red in the face and stammering at requesting a hug from his own brother. "Hold on – hold on, okay. Um. Stay right there. Don't move."
"Not moving." Raph complied, still as a statue. Donnie shuffled around to move in front of Raph on the steps, still flexing his hands at his sides in sharp rhythm.
Donnie took a big, bracing breath. He could do this. The panic and the tension and he just – he just wanted release. Whenever he hugged Leo, it felt like the universe was in the right place, but it also gave him this huge scary feeling in the middle of his chest and it never quite soothed him, just took all the fear and turned it into something else – something like you can hold your twin but it won't fix anything, something like you can hold your twin but eventually either you let go or he lets go or you get torn apart –
This was different. Donnie stepped closer. Raph was scanning his face, looking surprised. He said, "You don't have to, if you're still uncomfortable."
Donnie took a moment to stim his hands until he couldn't feel his fingers anymore, a swimming feeling, and the embarrassment made his head want to pop. He mumbled, "I really, really want to, though. I – I've been so keyed up for ages and I just – I want my Raphie hug."
Raph blinked rapidly, and his mouth wobbled a little, and he said, "Oh."
It emboldened Donnie to step even closer. Their knees touched. Contact. There were no sparks. Relief flickered bright, because he could do this, he could hug him –
Donnie threw himself into Raph's arms at such high speed they fell back. But it was okay, because Raph caught him.
A sob broke past Donnie's mouth before he could stop it, the sudden rush of emotion almost too strong to handle, holding on with all the strength he had as if the moment might disappear.
The returning hug was careful, but grew stronger the more that Donnie fell apart, until it was that perfect deep pressure he could feel through every quivering muscle right down the marrow of his bones. He was okay, he was okay, Raphie had him, he was okay.
The panic washed away. For an incandescent moment, Donnie was okay.
He hiccupped through catching his breath. Raph churred in his ear, cradling the back of Donnie's head, a small sway. The hug stayed that same lock-tight, as he calmed down, as everything found its place again. Sniffling into Raph's shoulder, fingers hooked on one of his spikes, heart squeezing in painful relief. It was almost too much, the sensation bright. He pulled back, first to scrub at his face and snotty nose, but then backing off more as the complicated emotions came back into play. Raph allowed him to disengage without impeding, hands falling to his sides. But he didn't look upset – he looked the happiest Donnie had seen him since they got home.
Donnie sat back on the grass, stimming his hands hard to get the excess energy out, and smiled back at his big brother. He wanted to keep this moment perfect, so it was a very calculated decision not to turn and look at Leo.
Chapter Text
That night, there was an exhausted stand off over who would sleep first. The problem was that if Donnie wanted them to sleep normally, it wouldn't work. Because then Leo would say, yeah totally, then he'd stay awake all night on watch anyway. So even as Donnie was beginning to feel like perhaps they could stop sleeping in shifts, he still had to fight for his turn just so his twin would sleep.
It was one in the morning. Both of them were scrolling on their phones. When Donnie snuck a glance at Leo's screen, he was searching what foods dogs could eat without getting sick. Banana's bed was still on the floor, though it had been moved to lay closer to theirs. She was providing small, breathy snores. The house was asleep, and Donnie knew that, because she would jump up if anyone so much as went to the bathroom.
"I'm not tired." Leo tried again, in a bit of a sing-song. "So you might as well sleep now. I'll wake you in a few hours."
"You won't." Donnie locked his phone from the Reddit page detailing first hand accounts of the alien invasion, and rolled towards Leo. The harsh white light of the phone illuminating his striped face, with a slight squint of his eyes. Annoyance shot through Donnie, and he stole Leo's phone.
"Rude." Leo said, but didn't fight for it. Donnie navigated to the settings and turned the brightness down before handing it back.
"Just go to sleep first for once." Donnie complained. He had a whole plan about how he was going to get Leo to go first then fall asleep after and trick them both into getting a whole night's sleep. It wasn't working, because Leo never wanted first shift.
"Wow, tell the insomniac to 'just go to sleep'. Revolutionary." Leo's tired sarcasm was so unwanted in the moment.
Donnie made his displeasure known with a sigh. He was getting too tired to keep up the fight. He felt the heavy weight of his own eyelids working against him, tucking his phone against his chest and staring at his brother. The dimmer light against his skin as he kept scrolling for another minute before sighing right along side him, locking his phone and turning to face Donnie as well.
"I think you should consider what April said." Leo told him, a little rehearsed, like he'd been thinking about this all day.
"I knew you were listening to us." Donnie complained.
"Not really." Leo shrugged one shoulder, the other pressed into the mattress. "But I caught some of it. I felt that panic in your head, D. I think that a therapist might be a good idea."
"And for you too?" Donnie accused, hot.
"Sure." Leo agreed, cool as a cucumber. It didn't even sound like a lie. "I'll do it."
Donnie blinked. He wasn't expecting that. He said, small, "Really?"
"Of course." It was almost too dark without their phones to see the reassuring smile, but it was hiding there in the corners of Leo's mouth. "We can get through this. We need all the help we can get, right?"
It felt too good to be true. The same Leo who spat nails at them talking about his scratched arms – the same arms currently pressed to his chest. Donnie didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but also felt like maybe you could lead the gift horse to water but you couldn't make it drink.
"Right." Donnie was almost dizzy, unsure but wanting it so badly. Maybe it was just the exhaustion, never ending and perpetual. "Okay – yeah. Thanks Leon."
Leo gave a warm chuckle and took Donnie's hand with a telegraphed movement, giving a tight squeeze. "Yeah, yeah. Get some sleep, Tello."
It was easier to sleep, after that. And Leo didn't wake him.
The sun did, the half-closed blinds allowing just a peek into their room. Donnie squinted at the evidence of time passing beyond what he'd been promised and turned to look at Leo.
"Sorry." Leo smiled at him, thumb moving in soothing circles where he was holding his hand. "You were asleep so deeply and I couldn't bear to wake you. I wasn't tired anyway?"
"Are you tired now?" Donnie rasped, clearing his throat.
Leo shrugged. "I'd be okay if you wanted to keep sleeping."
"I'm awake." Donnie scrubbed at his eyes with his free hand. "I'm good, I'm up. Please try and get some sleep."
"Okay. But if you wanna get up once they start having breakfast, you could just go. I'd be fine by myself." Leo released the hold, phantom sensation of losing something he'd had for literal hours, and turned to grab his pillow instead.
That wasn't fair at all. That Leo felt they were fine to break the watch only for his side. Donnie didn't even entertain the notion, because he wasn't about to fuck off to have breakfast without Leo when he'd just watched over him the whole night. Like he'd leave Leo unprotected. Oops, okay, maybe there was still some trauma there. Whatever.
It didn't matter anyway, because Leo only ground his teeth for like an hour before he returned to that perfect stillness that told of faking sleep. By actual breakfast, they were both awake and ready to face another day.
"About what we talked about yesterday." Donnie said to April at the table, not wanting to discuss it in front of everyone so keeping it vague.
"You're not backing out already." April said, frowning.
"No, I was gonna say. Get two."
April glanced at Leo in surprise, who was tracking the tail sway of the Garfield clock across the room and otherwise not moving. She said, "Really?"
"Really." Donnie shrugged, because he was surprised too. But happy, like maybe they might actually make some progress with Leo when it all felt so hopeless, that he was going to stop diving back down into the water anytime Donnie tried to drag him back up to air.
"I'm on it." April gave two thumbs up, enthusiastic.
Leo startled beside Donnie, glancing down to see Banana laying her head on his lap and looking up at him, tail swishing behind her.
"Hi Chocolate Covered Bananas." Leo scratched behind her ears and leaned over to kiss her head. His voice was a little gooey, and it gave Donnie so much hope that felt dangerous to have.
Mikey wasn't up yet, which was a bit worrying, and April took it upon herself to make breakfast. Bacon and eggs and toast. Casey joined them, complaining about how he couldn't get an app downloaded on his phone and Donnie took it from his hands immediately. He was distracted from the meal, distractedly chewing on bacon as he ranted to Casey about planned obsolescence. The kid watched with an amused smile, chin in hand, like he'd known exactly what he'd done when he walked in the room with a piece of tech in his hands. Damn him, he probably did.
But it meant he hadn't spent the whole meal forcing his twin to match him bite for bite. Donnie snapped back to reality and turned, expecting to see Leo still staring at the Garfield clock with a full plate. But instead, it was just as half-eaten as Donnie's, tearing up his toast into little pieces and popping some in his mouth.
Oh. Okay, maybe things were okay then. The tension in his chest loosened just a little more. He didn't want to police his twin's every damn bite, if he was capable of just eating on his own… that was so much easier. God, maybe they could make progress? Wouldn't that just be fucking wild.
"I'm heading home for a couple days." April told him, once he'd fixed Casey's phone and eaten most of his breakfast. "I'm gonna look into some stuff and spend some time with my parents. Do you need anything from home?"
Donnie blinked at her, feeling kind of owlish, but he'd barely grabbed anything when they left. He'd been so much more focused on how terrible everything was. Surely there was something he forgot. "Perhaps. I will text you a list."
"Keep it to things that will fit in my car, Donatello." April chuckled. "How about you, Leon?"
"Hm?" Leo turned towards her.
"Anything from home?"
"Oh, we didn't bring the weighted blanket. Could you grab it?"
Donnie felt a twinge of annoyance, because Leo didn't like the weighted blanket, it made him claustrophobic. He'd been kind of hoping Leo would ask for something for himself. Because of this he voiced his own request, the pillow Leo always used from his room, "And the purple Squishmallow on my bed, please."
Leo shot him an amused look, because he knew exactly what Donnie was doing. He said, "Yeah, yeah."
"Yeah, yeah." Donnie mocked back, in good humour.
"Sometimes I feel like the two of you are speaking an entirely different language." April said, rolling her eyes. "Weighted blanket and Squishmallow, I got you. Anything else?"
Actually, Donnie could barely believe he'd come all the way here without so much as a screwdriver. What if the toaster malfunctioned? Who would fix it? "Oh, could you bring my titanium multi-functional instrument set?"
"Yeah, text me a photo of that, or I'll have no idea what I'm looking for." April snorted. "But sure, you got it. Any last minute additions, Leo?"
"Knowing Donnie if you're bringing the titanic multi-instrument you should probably bring a fire extinguisher too." Leo said.
"It's titanium–- you're doing that on purpose to annoy me." Donnie cut himself off.
Leo turned wide, innocent eyes towards him. "Me? Annoy my twin? Perish the thought."
It should've been irritating. Instead, the return of easy banter not laced with poison made Donnie grin like a fool. He intertwined their fingers on the table and squeezed, an unvoiced 'thank you'.
Leo raised a brow, squeezing back, asking 'for what?'
Donnie brightened the smile just a little more in show.
Leo huffed, still smiling himself, and shook his head like Donnie was being ridiculous.
April left shortly after, her Subaru rolling back up the dirt path. Donnie kept glancing at the stairs, waiting for Mikey to make an appearance, but he hadn't.
"Could I take Banana for a walk?" Casey asked, crouched beside her on the ground and ruffling her ears. She tipped her chin up into the treatment, eyes shut peacefully.
"Duh." Leo replied.
Casey fetched the leash and fidgeted with the latch, glancing up at Leo. "Do you want to come with me? I've been wondering if we could… talk."
Leo looked at Donnie. It was so automatic that it wasn't really funny.
Donnie glanced at the stairs again. He really wanted to go check on Mikey, and it would probably be good if Casey and Leo could talk alone. It was just a shame the thought of separating made fire ants erupt under his skin. He looked helplessly back at Leo.
"You could come with." Leo suggested.
He'd been walking on his leg quite a bit without the crutches recently, but the idea of an extended walk was still unpleasant. And he really, really wanted to make sure Mikey was okay. He said, "No, I'm – I'm gonna go talk to Mikey, I think. Go ahead. Just. Don't be gone too long?"
Their hands were still intertwined, so instinctive that he hadn't even remembered until Leo squeezed it tight again. He said, "We don't have to, if it's gonna panic you."
"That's a low bar." Donnie shook his head. "We gotta start small, right? I… I dunno. Text me updates or something."
"If you ask, I'll turn around." Leo crushed their fingers together, and it was sore how proud his smile was.
The momentary fear passed through him, a shiver. He met Leo's eyes and a flash of white and he asked in a space that existed only between them, 'Promise?'
In-between blinks, white-flicker, reassuring. 'Promise.'
"Okay." Donnie said, blinking back to normal. "Have a nice walk."
"Give Mikey a hug for me." Leo gave one last squeeze before untangling their grip, standing to help rally Banana.
Donnie's stomach twisted when he remembered that wonderfully thoughtful verbal hugs aside, he still had not actually hugged his baby brother yet. He said, "Yeah."
Leo walked away from him, wrangling Banana out the door. But he did look back, foot out the threshold, raising an eyebrow like, are you super sure?
Donnie was not super sure. Leo hadn't even left his sightline and he already felt like throwing up. The returning look was conflicted.
A momentary stand off. Leo's posture told him that he could easily turn around and come back inside. Something about how seriously Leo was taking this, that he was more than willing to abort, eased some of the panic. Not all of it, but enough that Donnie gave a hollow nod in assent. He wanted Leo to get some time to do healing of his own, and that meant a conversation with Casey.
"I'm coming back." Leo said.
Donnie replied, a distant echo of sound, "You better."
When the door shut and Leo walked away, Donnie replayed the sound of his voice in his head over and over. It sounded like it was repeated thrice over, each in a cave, watching him walk away.
But he had come back each time. So it was okay. It was.
Donnie took a while five minutes before he had the strength to stand, taking the crutches with him not because he liked the unruly things, but because he was going to need to climb the stairs. He hadn't been up there yet, but he knew they gave Mikey the room with the big window. Mikey had told him it got a great view of the sunrise over the trees.
He focused on the task of reaching his little brother instead of the feeling that his own lungs had walked out of the room. This was fine. Everything was fine, Donnie was a totally capable person who could handle Leonardo being out of his sight. Then he texted his twin as soon as he got to the top of the stairs, 'ok?'
Leo replied near-immediately, 'ok.'
Donnie nodded and kept going. Mikey. He needed to talk to Mikey. Check on his little brother who'd been in pain.
Everyone other bedroom door was open, so it was easy to determine which one had Mikey holed up inside. Donnie fidgeted with his phone for a moment, struggling with the urge to text Leo a second time just to make sure, before raising his hand and tapping a knock.
"I'm fine, Raphie." Mikey's voice replied, quiet.
"And if I'm not Raphie?" Donnie asked, keeping his inflection neutral.
A soft gasp. Quick footsteps then the door flew open. Mikey bounced on his heels and said, "Hi."
"Hi Michael." Donnie gave a helplessly fond smile.
Mikey looked down the hallway. Donnie added, "It's just me. Leo went to walk Banana with Casey."
"And you're okay with that?" Mikey said, surprised.
"No." Donnie replied, instant honesty. It was an intense relentless screaming of not okay actually, but it was fine. He was coming back. He promised. Donnie wasn't laying on a cold hard cave floor unable to move, he'd carried himself up these stairs and now he had a whole brother in front of him. One he wanted to check on and give a hug that he'd been putting off for far too long.
"Alright." Mikey said, careful. "Do you want me to go get him or something?"
"No, I –" Donnie shook his head, dislodging how he'd managed to have this turn around to being about him again. Derailed, get back on track. "I wanted to check on you."
"Oh." Mikey sounded surprised, but then he smiled. "I'm good, D."
"Can I see your hands?" Donnie asked.
Mikey hesitated, but after a moment lifted up his arms. They were freshly bandaged, with an immediately noticeable tremor running through them.
"Is it still hurting?" Donnie asked, concerned. Draxum had put the salve on ages ago now.
"No. Well, yes, but the same amount as before. Not more." Mikey babbled, a flush on his cheeks, and tucked his arms close to his chest again. He looked uncomfortable.
"The same amount as before is still a lot?" Donnie clarified, because a tremor like that implied quite a lot of pain.
Mikey tightened his arms and shrugged, keeping his gaze turned away.
"Would a hug help?" Donnie offered, and man, it came out all performative and weird, because Donnie had never been good at initiating physical contact even before he went and developed a complex about it. But since he'd established firm boundaries, none of his loving family was going to break it until he reached out first. It was just a shame his reaching out first was so awkward.
Mikey's gaze melted a little and he said, voice rasping, "You don't have to do that, D."
"No, I am – I am offering." Donnie was the one looking away with a flush this time, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "I have discovered with April's assistance that I am alright with touch if I am the one initiating it. And I have successfully hugged Raphael without giving him third degree burns. So if you would like a Donnie hug, clinically proven to heal every ailment of a little brother, I would like to give you one."
Mikey's eyes got a little misty. "As long as you promise you're not just giving me a hug because you think I want one. Because I'm serious, I can wait as long as you need to be comfortable with it again."
"I am comfortable with it." Donnie stated, almost amused that Mikey's statement was so similar to Raph's. But there weren't sparks crawling underneath his skin anymore, just a carved out yearning.
"Okay." Mikey said, and opened his hands, but didn't otherwise move.
This should've been easier, after Raph, but Donnie still struggled through an initial moment of fear, because he would never forgive himself if he got Mikey's hopes up then shocked him anyway. He took a step forward then an immediate step back, taking a minute to stim his hands really, really hard. As if there was something inside he was trying to fling out his fingertips through centrifugal force. The persistent anxiety that Leo wasn't at his side right now.
Donnie had always hugged Mikey the easiest. Little brother privileges he said, but it was always the lack of pressure, the lack of care if Donnie was stiff or unfeeling. Mikey was just happy to be near Donnie, always. Lean on his shoulder, hang onto his leg to get dragged around the lair, snuggle close for the movie marathon.
He had a misplaced grief for that ease, a desire to return to normal but normal wasn't a place he could go back to, it was just somewhere he revisited in memories. He finished stimming and stepped forward to hug Mikey, and it wasn't the desperate cling and collapse into Raph's arms. It was … stiffer. No electric shocks, thankfully. But still the nervous performative action.
But the benefit of Mikey was that he didn't even seem to mind or notice. He melted into the touch, giving Donnie a second before reciprocating, small but strong arms clamping around his middle and careful of his recently injured ribs.
"Sorry it's not better." Donnie muttered to the top of his head.
"Shut up." Mikey said, fond. "It's you, so it's perfect."
More tension fell out of Donnie's shoulders. He was finally able to do what he wanted when he saw his baby brother was in pain and stroked his shell in soothing circles.
Mikey released a long shudder, burrowing close to Donnie and pressed trembling hands against his shell.
“Are you feeling okay?” Donnie asked, well aware that Mikey was at his most honest and vulnerable when he was being held.
Mikey did not try to claim he was good this time. His breath hitched and he muttered, “I don’t wanna be Leo.”
Donnie’s heart skipped a beat. He said, decidedly monotone, “What do you mean?”
“I wanted to ask for help and accept it.” Mikey’s voice wavered, upset for who was not doing that.
Donnie swallowed against the rock in his throat. “Well I’m very glad that you did.”
Mikey didn’t loosen his grip in the slightest. “How are we going to convince Leo to do the same?”
It was the age old problem — Donnie could recognize that Leo was playing a game but never how to win.
“I don’t know.” Donnie admitted, because if he knew the answer then maybe it wouldn’t feel like being torn to pieces the moment they were apart. “I feel like he’s been trying more recently.”
“Trying harder to get better or trying harder to make you think he’s getting better?” Mikey said, and he’d always been the most emotionally perceptive of everyone for a reason.
It sort of socked Donnie in the stomach, and he disengaged from the hug when the water swell of panic crested against the sand. He returned to agitated stimming, and had to pull his phone out to text Leo again. ‘Ok?’
‘Ok.’ Leo replied, faithfully quick.
“I’m sorry.” Mikey said.
“Don’t apologize.” Donnie snapped back immediately. “We both know you’re right.”
“Doesn’t mean I should upset you with it when you’re already strung out from being separated from him.” Mikey’s eyes were sad and knowing as he watched Donnie flutter rapid harsh movements of his hands. He wanted to pace the hall as well but his stupid fucking leg made that difficult.
“It’s not like we can talk about when he’s there, unless we want another fight.” Donnie said, exhausted with it. He couldn’t even sit with Leo wearing headphones since he’d already shown a willingness to eavesdrop and conversations while the other slept was just as equally likely. No, Donnie needed to try harder to pry their iron grip apart if he wanted to find space for Leo to heal independently of him. They were just as harmful as helpful to each other. It was just a shame that being apart felt like setting himself on fire.
Donnie laced his fingers over the yellowing bruise on his wrist. He added, “I think that my presence often causes him more problems. And that we should work towards… healthy separation.”
“I think you’re right.” Mikey replied, with the voice of someone who thought this a long time ago and was gracious enough not to say I told you so. “But the thing is, we don’t want you to be more upset by it. So if you’re doing this in a healthy way, then we’ve got to try and find ways to calm down during the separation periods. What would help the panic you’re feeling right now?”
Nothing would help. It felt like he was too weak from the constant swimming against the tide of fear, he couldn’t do more than keep his mouth out of the water. No strength to attempt anything else.
Mikey added, “April let me know she’s looking into therapists, but that may take time and I’ve done a lot of research myself. Do you know how many psych classes just put their stuff on YouTube? Anyway. I can help. If you let me.”
The big shining eyes of his little brother made it so tempting to give in. But was it fair to put this on Mikey when he was struggling too? Maybe that was the real benefit of an actual therapist.
However Mikey was correct and it would be better if he could have a more immediate solution. Even if they got a therapist it would take time to trust them with solutions, and Donnie needed help this exact moment so he wouldn’t text Leo to come back and ruin whatever chat he was having with Casey.
“Okay.” Donnie agreed. “Yeah, if you’re really up for it.”
“You’ve got no idea how much I’m up for it.” It renewed a spark of life in Mikey’s eyes that Donnie hadn’t realized was gone.
It made him smile. Mikey suggested they go sit in the sun and wait for Leo to get back. Once there, Mikey explained how he was pretty sure Donnie was basically doing some haphazard exposure therapy at the moment. The thing he was exposing himself to was Leo not being around.
And the key to exposure therapy was to start small and build up to longer and longer times of exposure, which made sense to Donnie, but also an incredibly important step was to calm down during the exposure. Train the body via physiological feedback loop that this thing happening did not require a panic response.
“Angelo I appreciate what you are saying but there is absolutely no way I can calm down if Leo isn’t here.” Donnie said, because all he could think about was the sensation of prickling unease, the phantom claws around his throat, the ephemeral hard rock ground underneath his immobile and helpless self. There was no other room for thoughts in his brain, there was no way to break past the survival instinct response of trying to keep his mouth above the waves. Swallowing salt water. Tired and scared.
“Won’t know unless we try, right?” Mikey said, undeterred. He was trying heat therapy, at the recommendation of Draxum, and they’d microwaved April’s grandmothers heat sack with kitten patterns all over it to press against his hands and forearms. He had them braced on the table against it, which was inadvertently showing off how terrible his tremor had gotten.
“What exactly are we trying?” Donnie asked, hesitant.
“Breathing techniques.” Mikey grinned at him.
Immediately Donnie groaned. “Nevermind, how can I be anxious when Leo is metaphorically right here. That’s always what he makes me do, it’s so annoying.”
“Yeah, because it’s a physiological feedback loop!” Mikey reiterated. “Your body is freaking out because you can’t breathe, and you can’t breathe because your body is freaking out. We’re just breaking the cycle in the middle so it can’t keep fuelling itself.”
It made an annoying amount of sense. Donnie still protested, “I can do all the breathing in the world but it doesn’t fix the problem. It’ll just come right back.”
“That’s fine for now.” Mikey shrugged. “I told you, we’re building up an association that your body can calm down when Leo’s not here. We’re starting small, proving that it can happen.”
Donnie sighed dramatically, to make the corner of Mikey’s mouth twinge up. It was successful.
They did box breathing together, Mikey helpfully drawing a box on the table with a piece of chalk and tracing each side with his finger as they went around. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold.
As always, Donnie was extremely annoyed when it worked. Just once he’d like to be right that this was all completely terrible and insurmountable and there was nothing he could do to make it feel better. Wait no, he didn’t want to be right about that.
“How are we feeling?” Mikey asked, after they’d gone around for so long it got boring, which was a step up from ‘suffocating panic’.
“Annoyed.” Donnie replied, leaning back in his chair. His airway felt like a pencil instead of a toothpick. When he checked his phone and thought about texting Leo again, the feeling immediately began to spike back into its rightful place.
“What are we doing?” Raph asked, stumping out onto the deck. His voice was full of audible surprise, likely from the sight of a singular twin on a lawn chair.
Donnie wanted to laugh when he realized April and Mikey and now Raph had used the same ‘we’ language that he and Leo adopted. It gave him a rush of solidarity towards his other siblings because yeah. They were in this too.
“Donnie’s calming down while we wait for Leo to get back from his walk with Casey.” Mikey summed up, turning a beaming smile that lit a couple more watts when Raph leaned over the back of his chair to nuzzle the top of his head.
“Oh? Fun?” Raph said, dubious, tracing the deck slates towards Donnie.
Donnie did not want a nuzzle as he felt the prickles of panic making him a bit more unstable than he liked. He held up a hand in stop. Raph stopped. After a moment of contemplation of Donnie’s closed posture, Raph blew him a kiss instead.
“Hey Don, can I ask you a question?” Raph said, shuffling his chair so he was in a sun beam and leaning back like a lizard. The relaxed pose said that hopefully the question wasn't a bad one.
“Ask away, dear Raphala.” Donnie said, trying to make it sound like it wasn’t coming through gritted teeth even though it was.
“How come your computer has a snake in it?”
Donnie stared at his older brother and ran the sentence through his head at least three times before admitting autistic defeat, “I have no idea what you’re asking me.”
“You said last time you were getting parts that you had a python in it.”
“No, no — it’s not a python, its Python, a programming language." Donnie said, automatically.
"You speak snake language?" Mikey asked.
"Oh my Turing, please. No. Python is merely a tool used to code." Donnie waved his hands, as if he was gesturing at a wall of code in front of him.
Raph leaned his chin in his palm and said, "Mhm, and how do you use it as a tool?"
Once Donnie got going, describing the intricacies of how programming languages worked, he realized that the sly dog got him monologuing. Damn. After a good uninterrupted rant he broke off and glared at Raph.
Mikey giggled and said, "No, don't stop!"
"You can't distract me." Donnie complained. "I haven't forgotten that Leo's not here."
"Not forget, just… a little brain diversion." Mikey smiled at him. "Are you sure you don't want to keep going? You've got a captive audience."
Donnie hesitated, tempted, but froze at the distant sound of voices approaching. He stood and craned his head towards the dirt trails, trying to spot his twin.
Casey was patting his arm, holding the leash with the other. Leo had his shoulders hunched and was scraping at his face with the long sleeve of Raph's hoodie. He was crying.
"I'll kill him." Donnie said, a spike of protectiveness surging through him.
"Who?" Raph turned to try and see as well, and added incredulously, "Casey?"
Donnie grabbed his crutches and sped down the deck stairs as quick as he could, trying to meet them halfway even as the movement jostled all his hurts.
"Excuse me, sir, but I'm the only one who's allowed to make Leo cry." Donnie cut over, glaring holes into Casey's head.
Through his tears, Leo gave a weak laugh at the statement, and reached for Donnie as he approached. In a split second, Donnie tucked Leo underneath his arm and bodily put himself between Leo and Casey, stretching out one crutch like a bo-staff and staring at the kid down the length of it, giving his bitchiest expression.
Casey immediately raised his hands. "Sorry. Really, that was my bad. I promise I'm not gonna hurt him, Donatello."
Donnie sent a spark of ninpo down the crutch, just as a warning.
"Tello." Leo murmured, fingers curling in his shirt. "Leave the kid alone."
"Fine." Donnie tossed the crutch aside and pivoted his attention to Leo instead, turning completely towards him. The hitched breath and trembling knees of his twin. "Sit?"
Leo obediently sat in the grass with him. Donnie gathered him in his arms and clutched his twin tightly, rubbing the crack in his shell and feeling a terrible kind of nostalgic. Banana enjoyed that Leo was now on her level and licked his face.
Casey said again, "I am sorry, sensei."
"You're fine, Casey." Leo rasped.
Donnie sent him a look that said actually he was not fine, and it would be in his best interest to take a short walk off a long pier.
Leo blindly reached over and covered Donnie's face with his hand and added still with tears in his voice, "Ignore him. We're cool, Case. Don't worry about it."
"Alright." Casey wrung his hands but gave a soldier's nod, heading up the deck stairs to join the other brothers in the folding chairs, pulling Banana along beside him with the leash.
Donnie stayed right there on the grass, holding his twin. Once Casey retreated, Leo curled up and cried, clutching Donnie close by the fingers knotted in his shirt.
"What'd he say to you?" Donnie asked, bubbling with protective anger.
"We just talked." Leo sniffed loudly and made himself so small in Donnie's arms. "Seriously, D, don't be mad at him, okay?"
"I'm not mad." Donnie said, mad.
Leo hiccuped a small laugh. The grass swayed around them, breeze and pollen. Even though Leo didn't tell him what Casey said, Donnie still didn't let go.
Chapter Text
Donnie woke when Banana whined.
Groggy with sleep, he turned and said, "What's up, girl?"
The dog paced away from the door and hopped up on their bed. Leo oofed beside him, wrapped up like a burrito in his own blanket, then said, "You were asleep."
A smidge of guilt. Donnie had specifically waited until it was his turn to watch and Leo's turn to sleep, and … also went to sleep. It wasn't fair of him, to let Leo think he was going to be on guard then shuck his duties, but he just… he was so tired. And he wanted them to be able to sleep.
"Banana was on guard." Donnie said, still foggy and not awake. "And see? She did her job."
"Donnie." Leo stated, annoyed. He shifted up, and damn it. That wasn't what Donnie wanted at all.
"Nothing bad happened." Donnie was quick to say. "It's okay, isn't it? We're okay here."
A long, testing silence. Donnie couldn't stand it. He reached out, both with his hand to grab Leo's and his mind to flash white with intention, to curl them together and whisper in the space between their minds, 'We're okay, Leon.'
'That wasn't fair of you.' Leo's eyes glowed white and he spoke into the floating void. 'You didn't tell me. I'm not ready for us to be both be defenseless while we sleep.'
Leo said us but his mind told the real truth, that he wasn't ready for Donnie to be unprotected while they slept.
'We have Banana.' Donnie reminded him. 'She whines if someone in the house so much as sneezes.'
The dog squirmed until she was laying overtop both of their legs, giving a big sigh. Too-hot fur and tipping her little chin to look up at them, like why aren't you asleep yet.
'Fine, whatever.' Leo pulled his hand and his mind away, leaving Donnie cold.
"Leo–"
"Whatever you want, D." Leo gave a smile, flash of teeth in dim light. "Go back to sleep."
Donnie didn't have to ask to know that Leo definitely was not going to do that. He sighed like Banana and said, "You can't stay up forever."
"Never said I was planning on it." Leo said promptly.
Donnie couldn't help but feel reminded of the very beginning of their visit to hell, when it felt as if Leo was never going to sleep again. It wasn't a good comparison to have. But Donnie was too tired to dig further, to find some flawless strategy. Maybe if he just emulated what he wanted enough, Leo would follow along.
Falling asleep again felt more like he was trying to create a reality that simply wasn't there. Because Leo was still awake when morning came, and Donnie… he didn't know what to do with that. Especially since his twin was staring at the far wall and scratching underneath his bandages, motion so rhythmic it didn't even seem like he knew he was doing it.
"Leo." Donnie's voice crackled when he spoke, and he reached out to curl his hand over Leo's and physically stop the movement.
A surprised jump, owlish blinking. Leo glanced down at his own wrist and said, "Sorry. They're just…" he trailed off awkwardly, and added after a tense moment, "itchy."
Donnie tiredly squeezed his hand, and when he rolled over Banana jumped off the bed and stretched leisurely in the middle of the room, giving both of them an expectant look.
"Time is it?" Donnie murmured.
"I think people are up, I heard them moving." Leo reached over to the bedside table to get his phone and reported, "Just eight now."
"Do you want to sleep more?" Donnie asked, without much hope.
"I slept lots." Leo replied, stepping over Donnie and rallying Banana. "Wanna go for a walk? Hey girl?"
Donnie stared at him as he got socks on and decided that Leo willingly wanting to go do something like walking the dog was at least a minor win over not sleeping, and dug through his things for his own clothes to wear.
They took Banana outside for a lap around the yard. It was foggy and cool. Donnie watched Leo bug the dog, getting her to lean all her weight on her front paws and try to pounce as he antagonized her around the lawn. He certainly seemed to have enough energy, despite the bags under his eyes. Then they sat with the family members who were awake for breakfast – Mikey cooking via Casey, who was being his hands, and Splinter who was solving a crossword puzzle.
"What's a poached egg?" Casey said, in front of the stove, awkwardly trying to scramble some eggs. "Is it like, stolen?"
Mikey laughed brightly. "No, no. It's a synonym!"
"Actually, Michael." Donnie curled close around the cup of coffee he'd made with extra sugar. "It's a homonym. Synonyms are two words with similar meanings, homonyms are one word with different meanings. In this case, poaching means both to steal and to simmer in a liquid until cooked."
"It's a homonym!" Mikey echoed, equally cheerful.
"Answer me this, my smart and brilliant children," Splinter chimed in from behind his newspaper. "Four letters. The river past the pyramids?"
"Pssh. Nile. N-I-L-E. Give me a hard one." Donnie said, waving a hand dismissively.
"Hmm." Splinter scribbled on his paper and rubbed his chin. "Subject of a common phobia, seven letters. Starts with an H."
"Hamster." Mikey said, counting on his fingers.
"Hacksaw." Casey suggested.
Donnie glanced at Leo, hoping for a moment of solidarity of 'can you believe these idiots', only to find his twin was not listening and staring at the Garfield clock again, tracking the tail back and forth and back and forth. Something about that lurched his stomach, even when Leo noticed him looking and tore his gaze away, picking up his cup of coffee and taking a sip.
"The answer would, of course, be heights." Donnie replied, slowly, glancing back at his dad with a superior smile.
"Ah! Yes!" Splinter filled in the word with quick flicks of his pencil.
"So sunny-side-up means the yolk is facing up, right?" Casey prompted. "Why would you want it facing down?"
"Depends on how runny you want the yolk." Mikey shrugged. "Did you not have eggs in the future?"
"Livestock was not really feasible, no." Casey said, and took the pan off the heat when Mikey instructed to serve the scrambled eggs onto plates.
"What did you eat then?" Donnie asked, curious on the logistics of how the human race survived, ignoring the memory of the relentless gnaw of hunger. A desperate, fruitless search for food.
"Mostly secret greenhouses. Potatoes were very common. Sensei used to make a lot of Mark Watney jokes, whoever that guy is." Casey scooped the last of the eggs out and set the pan back on the stove. Leo had returned his gaze to the clock and didn't look up when the future version of himself was mentioned.
"A fictional scientist from a book-turned-movie. I loved the book, Leo loved the movie." Donnie explained. "You should check it out, if you haven't. It's one of Leo's favourites."
"Yeah, I'd love to." Casey glanced at Leo and a troubled expression passed over his face.
"Chaser chosen by a head tap in a kids game?" Splinter voiced, sounding mystified.
"Goose!" Mikey giggled. "From duck, duck, goose. Was that not a game for kids in Japan?"
"Not one I played, at least." Splinter said, filling it in. "How about a four letter word for a nuisance?"
"Pest?" Casey said.
Donnie's head snapped towards him at the same moment that Leo's did, even though it hadn't even appeared his twin was listening. A white-hot rush of anticipation and fear blinded him. There was a clatter, like maybe a chair falling over, and shit – they were so exposed, what the hell were they doing?
He was reaching for Leo's hand at the same moment it was gripped back, and they dragged each other to back against the wall, movements frantic, eyes skimming around the room, not seeing. The threat assessment blanked, because – where was he? They'd been called, summoned. Pest. Donnie didn't know what he wanted from them, but they were helpless to obey. Would Leo have to hurt him again? He wouldn't survive it.
It was quiet. The only sound was the ragged draw of breath, the two twins clutching close against the wall. Then someone spoke and Donnie flinched, the sound coming garbled and far away, and hide his face in Leo's side. He didn't want to get dragged away from him again. He didn't want to be used as a vehicle to hurt Leo, to break him down and down and down until he was willing to beg for it to be him instead.
Leo's arm came protectively over his head, glaring out with blank eyes at the enemy before them, chest heaving for air. When Donnie tried to glance out and see if it was safe, all he saw was the room cast in red, and hid again. He was so scared and hungry and tired and wanted to go home.
Another voice, trying again. Far away. Not far away at all. Speaking words, patient and slow. Not mocking or cold, something soft and warm. Reassuring? That didn't make any sense. Donnie hated things that didn't make sense. He peeked out again, but it was still painted red and his breath caught. He glanced up at Leo, scared.
"I won't let him hurt you again." Leo whispered, arms locked around him like iron. Secure. The numbness over his gaze. Something wasn't right. If it was red, why wasn't Prime hurting them yet? He never hesitated before. Something wasn't right.
Donnie glanced out again. The person who was talking was directly in front of them, crouched, hands out innocently. Nothing in his grasp. And he was so small. Prime was huge, he was all dangerous limbs and claws, towering over them, effortlessly pinning him into place. Claws around his throat, collapsing his windpipe like pinching off the end of a straw. Choking him to death.
Except he was breathing right now. Rapid and fast, panicked. It hurt the rush of it through his throat, but he could breathe. Something wasn't right. Donnie looked up at Leo again and said, "L? Something's not right."
Leo's brow furrowed in confusion. After a moment, he met his gaze, and they swum in mutual confusion.
"You are home." The person before them said, but that didn't make any sense either. He could feel, in every inch of his skin, the nails of fear pounded into each pore, the hunger, the sensation that he was going to die, he was going to die, and worst of all, Leo was going to die, and they were going to be trapped in another hell forever.
No.
Wait. That wasn't right. He'd felt release from this, hadn't he? He poured his soul into a sword crackled with purple and lifted Leo through the portal to safety. Then hands grabbed his and yanked him to safety too, even after he'd done the most important thing.
They'd left Prime there. He wasn't here, because here wasn't hell. Donnie wasn't cold. He had warm clothing on, the ambient temperature wasn't anything close to the frosted misery that sunk into his bones. And his stomach hurt, but it wasn't with hunger, it was the familiar anxiety.
Someone was still talking to him. Donnie blinked the stars from his eyes and saw -- fur and a pained but patient smile. Their dad was there, waiting for them, speaking in a calm cadence. What was he saying?
"You are home. It is nine in the morning. You are both safe, there is nothing here that will hurt you. Do you smell the cooking eggs? They are fresh off the stove."
Eggs? Donnie could smell that, actually. It made his stomach clench, and he was too fucked up to tell if it was in hunger.
"Are you listening to me now, Purple?" Splinter asked, gentle, apparently catching something off his face. Coaxing. "Can you tell me something you see?"
"Red." Donnie replied automatically, because that was the threat, that was the painting on the cave wall moments before the world swooped out from underneath him.
Splinter glanced behind him, then back again. "Raphael isn't here at the moment, so I don't see anything red right now. Could you try again?"
Donnie glanced nervously up at Leo and tugged on his fingers for his attention, immediately granted. Leo breathed, "Yeah?"
"What do you see?" Donnie asked.
"Dripping." Leo replied.
Donnie glanced around and didn't see that either. He said, "Nardo, I think something's wrong. I think we're confused."
"You're right, Purple." Splinter carefully drew his focus back. "You're both a little confused about what's going on. But that's okay, we're right here and we're ready to help. Could you try again and tell me what you see? Could you find five things in this room?"
Room? Wasn't it a cave? But when Donnie looked, it wasn't really red. He rubbed his eyes with his other hand and squinted, unsure. It didn't make sense. "I... there's a chair on the floor. And a newspaper. A table with ... with flowers. Plates. And... and there's a bunch of clocks."
The clocks were so odd that it twigged his memory. It seemed completely out of place, but no, it wasn't. The clocks were April's grandfather's. He collected them. He hadn't known that before he went to hell, only after he got out.
Because he got out. Unless he went back, Donnie wasn't in hell anymore. But he didn't think they went back. Why did he think they had?
Right. They'd been called. And they'd both turned to the summon, automatic, because that word was a synonym for Donnie. Pest.
"Where is he?" Donnie asked Leo, because they were home but he had been there, hadn't he?
Leo's grip flexed and kept him impossibly close. "I'm not letting him have you."
"But we're home." Donnie said. "Look at the clocks. So where is he?"
"Clocks?" Leo repeated, and his numb gaze cast away from them to the walls. Some of the foggy confusion shimmered and he seemed lost when he glanced back. He said, unsure, "It's a trick."
"Not really his style." Donnie pointed out, because he never used mind games like that. The logic was beginning to break the illusion, the red seeping out of his vision. "If he was here he would've pulled us apart already."
Leo tightened his hold as if it might happen. The troubled furrow between his brow. He glanced around again and said, "I don't know. We can't trust it."
"My sons." Splinter interjected gently. "Could you tell me four things that you hear?"
Leo stared blankly at him. Donnie used the moment to listen, soaking in the sounds around them. He said, cautious, "Leo breathing. A fridge humming. Clock ticking. And..." he strained for one last thing. "Dog barking outside."
"Hound?" Leo said, tight.
"It's Banana, I think." The higher sound familiar. The fluffy little dog. Wasn't she laying underneath the table before? Why was she outside now?
"Banana?" Leo had no recognition in his voice.
"Good job, Purple." Splinter praised, and there was a rush that overtook some of the panic at the words. "You are beginning to recognize you are home, yes? But Blue is still struggling to orient himself. Could you help him with helping him find three things he can feel?"
Three things. Donnie could do that. He said, "Leon, hey. Can you feel the ground under us?"
"Rock." Leo replied.
"No, really feel it." Donnie took one of his hands and manually dragged it down to brush fingers against the linoleum which definitely was not rocks. "What is that?"
Leo glanced down, that confusion shimmering again. He spread his hands against the pattern on the floor. "Kitchen?"
"Yeah." Donnie nodded. He could really smell the eggs now and how he must've bumped his shell into the wall, because it was sore. "Feel this?"
He took Leo's hand again and got him to rub the fluffy inside of Raph's hoodie he was wearing, how it was pilled from the repeated machine washes. There was nothing that soft in hell.
"This is my favourite." Leo said, blankly.
"Because it's so big?" Donnie asked, since the sleeves went down past his fingertips.
"Because Raph lent it to me and never asked for it back." Leo rubbed the fabric against his cheek. "And it made him smile when he saw me wearing it."
Donnie felt his heart crackle in fondness for his brothers. He stole Leo's hand one last time and said, "Feel that?"
"You." Leo said. "Are you okay?"
Donnie opened his mouth and then closed it, giving a small shake of his head. His heart felt sore from how hard it had pounded against his chest, and the adrenaline was beginning to feel too exhausting to have to endure again, and he was sick and tired of the endless road to recovery that seemed to stretch further and further away from him each and every single time he felt like he was making any progress.
"What do you need?" Leo asked, near manic about it.
Donnie didn't know. He was still waiting for the magic thing that was going to fix everything about him. And he was still disappointed.
But then he thought about how Mikey had got him to breathe with him the day before, how he'd explained it was a physiological feedback loop. He said, "Breathe with me?"
"You hate it when I tell you to do that. You say, and I quote, I think I have within the scope of my genius the knowledge on how to breathe." Leo replied, but at least he sounded a little bit more like himself.
"You asked what I need. I need you to be your usual insufferable self and get me to breathe with you." Donnie replied.
"That is a wonderful idea." Splinter once again inserted himself in between them with the ease of only someone who raised two twins could do. "However, as you both are experiencing some difficulties at the moment, may I be the one to guide you through some breathing?"
Leo stared at their dad, brow pinching again, then smoothing out as he looked all around the room. He mumbled under his breath, "Oh. We're here."
"We're here." Donnie agreed. "Yes, Papa. We would love your help. Right Leon?"
"Whatever you want." Leo said. Despite the fact that he had made the connection that they were home, the iron grip did not loosen.
They'd meditated with their dad before, but this was different. A lot more broken down into incredibly specific steps. But Donnie appreciated it, because after a few minutes he could stop thinking about everything and only respond to the neat and precise instructions to breathe. Donnie wasn't sure if Leo was actually following the instructions or just mimicking Donnie subconsciously, but either way his breathing calmed down as well.
The calm brought some embarrassment and shame, that he'd freaked out over essentially nothing, and even more so when he noticed he was still subconsciously waiting for the reveal that Prime had been there all along. But no, it was a damn crossword puzzle clue.
"I don't think you should say that word again." Donnie gave his revelation to the room, interrupting the guided breathing. Leo stiffened beside him.
"I do believe that Orange has already taken it upon himself via text message to ensure that no one will use that word around either of you again." Splinter informed, not twitching. He'd already known. "I know from April that you have agreed to do therapy and that can be something you can work on in a safe environment to desensitize yourself to a trigger. But until then, we will all make sure not to cause any distress for you. If anything else needs to be avoided, we will accommodate that as well."
Donnie didn't want to learn that anything else could cause that reaction, how senseless and lost he'd become in an instant. It was terrifying. He never wanted to feel like that again. He had no idea what of the minefield of shit that happened would be something that plunge him so quickly out of reality again.
"We'll let you know." Donnie said, around the ash in his mouth.
"Don't you want to know why it's a trigger?" Leo said, almost too loud, like he was a bull introducing himself to a china shop.
Splinter blinked at him, and said, "If you wish to tell me, I would listen. But it is not necessary. Especially so soon after it upset you, I wouldn't want to --"
"It's what he called me." Leo interrupted, loudly. Then he turned a frown at Donnie. "I was the-- I was that, not you."
Donnie wanted to start kicking him, but if Leo let go right now he might fall apart, so instead he gave his twin a full show of disapproval via perfect eyebrows. "No? If anything, it was me. He said, I was the tag-along come to die, I was the useless pe--"
"No." Leo covered his mouth and glared. "Stop it."
"You stop it." Donnie replied, muffled, and pulled the hand off to add. "He called us both that."
"But you're not." Leo argued.
"I'm not fighting with you about this." Donnie was too wrung out and exhausted. "I don't even know why you are."
Except he did. He could hear it, clear as a bell. I – I want you to hurt me. I deserve – I deserve it. I’m the – I’m the pest.
"My precious boys." Splinter said, grave. "Let me make one thing clear, absolutely neither of you are anything of the sort. You are not a synonym for anything remotely close to nuisance. You are the light of our family, you are loved beyond measure, and every moment since you were brought into this world you have been my gift."
Donnie felt a dizzying rush, that won over the other sensations in his body. He said, strained, "Papa..."
Splinter smiled, his sweetest smile, one that he passed along to Leo, and held out a hand. "You do not need to if you are not comfortable, but if you would like--"
Before Splinter could even finish the offer Donnie was lurching out of Leo's grip and into his father's, struggling not to cry. A soft hand then a kiss on the top of his head, like a treasured gift. Because he was home, and he could have this. Prime wasn't there, it didn't matter which one of them was the pest. He wasn't there, Prime was trapped in hell and they weren't anymore. They were home.
Except when Donnie turned back to share in this joy with his twin, Leo had an expression that Donnie didn't understand. Cold and dark and far away. And as soon as he was caught, it shuddered up and disappeared, and a plastic smile took its place.
"Leonardo." Splinter implored, reaching out with his other hand. Judging by the twist of his mouth, he hadn't liked what he saw either. "Come?"
The visible hesitation hurt. So did the way Leo shuffled over and leaned into the hug like it was happening to someone else far away, just the wrong side of stiff.
Splinter kissed the top of his head as well, and his voice was so sad when he said, "My sweet boy. My baby blue."
Leo opened his mouth then closed it, and said nothing. Splinter stroked his face, eyes a well of sorrow, and a soft sigh.
"Are we clear?" Mikey leaned in the porch door, keeping a wiggling dog back with his knee.
Splinter gave an inquiring look to the twins. Leo continued to say nothing, and Donnie reluctantly nodded. They knew where they were, at least, and Donnie was pretty sure he wasn't about to shock anyone, even if he was absolutely fucking exhausted despite having woken up only like an hour ago.
"Yes, we're alright." Splinter replied.
Immediately upon releasing her restraint, Banana darted into the room at top speed and narrowed on Leo, hopping over to lick his face.
"Hey." Leo said, trying to stick his hand between his face and the tongue. The dog wiggled in his lap and covered him in dark fur. Then stuck her nose in face again and made him sputter.
"Good girl." Donnie praised, scratching her behind the ears, for running top speed at the person who needed it the most. She was definitely smarter than she looked whenever she stared at birds with elevator music playing behind her eyes.
Banana leaned into the touch and licked Leo again the moment he let his guard down. Thin arms in a big hoodie reluctantly wrapped around her and squeezed, chin against her fur, and muttered, "Sit still then, come on."
Donnie wished he could capture the way Leo looked momentarily content, eyes shut as he held the dog, and turned to kiss her face in return before getting up and brushing the fur off his stolen hoodie. Then he turned and offered Donnie a hand up as well, a slightly nervous smile.
Maybe he thought they were going to fight, but Donnie was done with that. He didn't want to hurt Leo anymore, and if Leo thought that he was the One and Only Pest – well, that was just going to be something he'd have to bring up with his therapist, then. Screaming at his twin wasn't getting him anywhere and it just made everyone upset with no resolution to the problem. Leo had agreed to go to therapy. They were going to get help and maybe this fabled 'better' would actually move a bit closer to them for once. Though after spending the morning freaking out on the kitchen floor, it sure felt further away than ever.
Donnie took his hand and stood. He didn't let go, even as they had cold eggs for breakfast, Banana's little head in Leo's lap. Slowly, they finished the crossword with their dad.
Chapter Text
Raph carried a cooler full of snacks and an armload of towels. Following the dirt path eventually led to the lake, where a boat launch was set into the water. Donnie convinced everyone that he was totally fine to walk all the way down there, as he really wanted to swim.
Better yet, Casey Junior apparently didn't know how to swim. Ever the more reason to head down to the water, a tree-lined shore with no sand, just smooth rounded rocks. That was fine, they kept their towels on the grass instead.
They'd chosen the warmest day so far, with a cloudless sky and a sun high and hot, practically singing from its hang. Raph was really looking forward to dipping into the water and possibly never leaving it again.
April had driven back to the city, so it was Splinter, Casey, the twins, and Mikey riding on Raph's shoulders down to the water. There were other humans swimming in the water, but the houses were far enough apart that they were indistinct figures splashing around on their own boat launches and docks along the shoreline. Hopefully no one came closer to ask why they were green. Raph would just tell them to mind their own business. He was pretty convincing.
It was reassuring to have the weight of his little brother on his shoulders, especially since Mikey was nuzzling his head and humming little songs. Nothing soothed his big heart more than having his brothers as close as he possibly could -- protecting them with everything he had -- and carrying them around was the perfect way to do that.
He had offered to carry Donnie as well, and the genius had politely declined. Absolutely no one wanted to push him beyond his limits on touch, even if it sucked that it was such a long walk down to the lake on his still healing leg. Instead he stayed glued, predictably, to Leo's side.
Raph was worried about Leo. He was worried about both of them, of course, with a healthy amount of worry set aside just for Mikey too. But Leo was... special. He'd always been special, in Raph's eyes as the big brother and protector. He knew that Mikey would make his wants known, loudly and repeatedly. He knew that even if Donnie didn't always know what he wanted, his body would often signal that there was something he needed, like when he would stim agitatedly. But Leo...
Leo brushed off everything with a smile, a joke, rolled eyes or pageantry. Raph used to think that his brother was unaffected, that he didn't care, that he shrugged everything off with no repercussions. He was a safe avenue to push against, because he'd always bounce back.
And then at some point Raph made the connection that Leo had been suffering from insomnia since they were little kids and hadn't said a single word in complaint. And that was an ice cold wake up call, one that he could still remember, staring at his brother and thinking... oh, I need to watch out for you so much closer than I thought I did.
It was one thing to have a hyperactive bouncy baby brother who leapt then looked, or a genius little brother who could create dangerous machines, but to have this perfectly constructed performance of untouchability shielding something incredibly vulnerable that Raph was never allowed to see?
Raph would never voice it out loud, because he was sure it would make Leo feel terrible, but sometimes Raph looked at Leo and thought, I'd love to actually meet you someday.
It wasn't fair, really. He'd seen such small peeks of that person in a cherished shy and sweet smile, in the flashes of the protective hand over Mikey's plastron as he slept, how even when he rolled his eyes he could recite back Donnie's infodumps word for word, or how Leo never was the first one to let go when he hugged Raph.
There was no handbook on how to deal with something like this for someone like Leo. He wanted to believe that just loving him with everything he had would be enough, but... the uncomfortable truth was that at some point, Leo himself was going to have to decide that recovering was actually something he wanted to do. And that wasn't something Raph could force, not something he could carry.
All that he could do was what he'd done all along – love Leo with everything he had and be right there waiting and ready to support him.
On the other side, he watched how Donnie was filled with so much fear. It wasn't that Raph never thought that Donnie was afraid before, it was just that the sheer quantity of the emotion seemed to override everything and take away all the ways that he'd almost taken for granted that made him Donnie. There was nothing more painful for Raph than to see his little brothers afraid and unable to help, so this was a particularly trying experience for him.
Though he was beginning to see more and more peeks of normalcy from Donnie – even if he was changed by the prison dimension, Raph just wanted him to be even a bit more comfortable and safe.
And Raph knew the emotion driving Leo's behaviour, because he could still feel the poignant emotion drilling into him relentlessly when they'd melded. That overwhelming self hatred that was so terrible to consider that his brilliant little brother felt that as a constant. What that meant for him. What it might mean going forward. Hell, what it meant when he looked back, all the mistakes Raph made when assuming that Leo didn't care.
Raph wanted to rattle his past self and yell, can't you see? He cares so much it might kill him.
When they made it to the lake shore, Banana peeled away from the group and ran directly into the water, splashing all the way before her feet couldn't touch anymore and she darted around in a doggy-paddle.
"Oh, she's fearless." Mikey giggled, and tapped Raph's shoulder to be let down. "Banana! Come here girl."
A hairpin turn in the water and Banana hopped back up the shore, stopping on the rocks to shake her long coat and cover Mikey in water as he shrieked. She turned her blank stare up at him, expectantly.
Donnie was shedding the big t-shirt he was wearing, turning towards the water like he was magnetized towards it. He said, "Are you coming?"
He was, of course, asking Leo. The slider shook his head, sitting on the watermelon-patterned towel on the grassy bank. "I'm good."
Donnie hesitated in his motion of getting the shirt over his head, glancing out longingly at the water.
"Go, D." Leo said, and he sounded tired. "I'm right here. I'll stay right here."
"Come in with me." Donnie asked, strained.
Leo hesitated, and it was that hesitation that told Raph whatever he was about to say was an excuse for the real reason. Then he said, "I'd rather not get lake bacteria in this shell crack."
Mikey threw a stick into the water and Banana went crashing back into the cool soak. Donnie glanced over again, want painted on him.
"I'm good, I'm happy here." Leo assured, laying down like he was bathing in the scorching hot sun. "Get in the water, Tello. It's fine."
Donnie's face said it was not fine. He opened his mouth to argue more, but Leo pulled the baseball cap he was wearing over his eyes, ending the conversation. His purple twin stood over him, wringing his hands, glancing between Leo and water with clear conflict.
It was breaking Raph's heart. He approached, trying to keep his voice casual, "Come on, Don. This bozo isn't going anywhere."
Leo didn't so much as twitch. Donnie chewed on his lip and gave an agitated flap to his hands, the decision obviously taking a mental toll on him.
After a long minute, Donnie’s face shifted, turning into something that Raph recognized — bullheaded determination, at any suggestion that there was something Hamato Donatello could not do, leading to weaponized toasters and fully functioning AI. Or in this case, Donnie tossing his t-shirt aside and bulleting directly into the water in the same manner that Banana had. Complete with a floating little doggy paddle of a soft shell turtle submerging himself like he was born in the water.
Raph couldn’t help but grin, but didn’t chase his little brother into the water just yet. Instead he settled down beside his other little brother and lifted the edge of the baseball cap to see his eyes.
“Go swim, big guy.” Leo said, voice unperturbed and smooth. “I’m fine.”
“I know you’re not as crazy about it as D, but you still like to swim.” Raph rumbled, setting aside the cap and resting his large hand on Leo’s neck. He could feel the knobs of his spine when he rubbed a soothing motion and it was kind of scary.
“Mm.” Leo hummed, noncommittal and shuddered. It took a long twenty seconds before he finally relaxed into the touch, turning his face into Raph’s forearm and nuzzling. It featured a dazed and disconnected blink that told Raph he probably wasn’t entirely aware he was even doing that.
Raph decided that the water could wait, even though the hot sun was practically cooking him in his shell. Instead, he kept the soothing stroke at the back of Leo’s neck, gently tugging the slider closer with his other hand.
The sparkling visage of water with the white streak of reflected sun up the middle. Donnie was doing a perfect lap back and forth from the red buoy, touching the plastic and doubling back to shore. Mikey was leading Casey Junior into the water by the hand, laughing at the expression on his face when his toes touched the water. Banana was attempting to drink the lake, standing waist deep and lapping endlessly at the sway from motor boats cutting across and making small waves.
Splinter lumbered away from the shore and sat on Leo’s other side. “Hello my sons.”
“Hey Pops.” Raph rumbled, intent on his task of the increasingly melted Leo snuggling up to his arm.
“Hi Daddy.” Leo mumbled, distant.
“The water looks nice and cool.” Splinter said, musing.
“Mmm.” Leo said, in what might’ve been agreement.
Splinter reached over to smooth his thumb on Leo’s face, right of the edge of his red stripe. “Are you warm in the sun, my sweet boy?”
Leo’s mouth trembled a little, eyes shutting and practically dissolving at the affection. Weak fingers curled in Raph’s muscle shirt.
A shriek of joy in the water as Mikey submerged himself with a splash, then flung a wave of droplets at Casey. The little bobbing figure of Donnie was still doing perfect laps, with the dog treading happily along side him.
Raph was way too hot, but he was also pretty sure Leo was about to fall asleep. So he stayed in the hot sun and held his brother, stroking his neck like he had nowhere else to be. He carefully gathered his little brother in his arms, tucking him close and churring lightly, not jostling him awake.
For ten days, Raph had thought he'd never hold his Leo ever again. There was a painful unravelling to have this moment, to clutch him close in the summer sun to the soundtrack of laughter in the water. Leo completely pliant and trusting, even after all the ways Raph had messed up.
This wasn't something he felt he could have, not only because he seemed to constantly do or say the wrong things, but also because Donnie had been so against touch and Leo never left Donnie's side. That wasn't Donnie's fault, but the end result was that Raph had been just as sore on Leo hugs as he'd been Donnie hugs.
The fact that Leo practically dissolved into his touch, that he trusted him enough to fall asleep out in the open… Raph nuzzled the top of Leo's head, so warmed with affection for him that it eclipsed the hot sun. The sleepy way Leo's fingers were tangled in the collar of his muscle shirt, how his head rested against his plastron as if it was a soft pillow.
With Leo completely swallowed in his arms, Raph could feel an ache soothed, like – I've got him, I've got him, I've got him.
Splinter was pressed against Raph's side, watching the hooligans in the water with a fond gaze. Eventually he got up and kissed both Raph and Leo's forehead, plodding down to the water and approaching the shoreline. Their father spoke with Mikey and Casey, then stripped down to join Donnie and Banana where they were hanging out in the shallow. They had never found the upper limit of how long Donnie could hold his breath in the water, because Splinter had always coaxed him to raise his head out of the bath after a predetermined amount of dad-worry time. Donnie must've hit that limit in the lake to inspire Splinter to join him in the water.
Raph watched the reluctant way Donnie finally raised his mouth above the waterline, and had to fight down laughter that might wake the sleeping brother in his arms when Donnie spat a mouthful of lake at their dad.
There was a detached, horrible thought at the sight of Donnie holding his breath for so long, leaving Raph wondering if that was what kept him alive when he emerged from hell with the telling bruises on his throat.
Then Raph thought, I wish I didn't have to wonder that.
Donnie got completely out of the water, with Banana on his heels and shaking out her long coat. He approached up the grassy bank, dripping water, eyes glued on Raph and his charge.
Raph used the one hand he wasn't soothing the back of Leo's neck to gesture a 'shh' motion. Donnie stuttered to a stop, frank surprise on his face, staying obligingly quiet. Raph turned his arms enough so Donnie could see Leo's sleeping face, snuffling and pressed into his plastron.
"Oh." Donnie said, very quiet. Then raised his hands to sign, 'Is he okay?'
Raph nodded. His arms were full so he couldn't reply, merely letting his reassuring chur grow louder to reach the purple twin as well.
Tension fell off Donnie's shoulders. He glanced back at the water with obvious want, but took Splinter's spot beside Raph anyway. Dripping cool lake water on him.
Banana darted up and down the shore, going between the three on the grass and the three in the water. Splinter joined Mikey in his endeavour to teach Casey to swim, getting the kid to float on his back.
Raph would love to float, especially in cool water under a hot sun. But in this moment, he had zero desire to be anywhere but exactly where he was. A twin on either side. It was a little odd – the insomniac asleep and the genius silent – but he'd take every single moment he had with them, no matter the circumstances.
Leo slept like the dead. It was almost alarming, because Leo didn't sleep like that usually. His was the first eye peeking out of the turtle pile at the footsteps in the hallway. But he was absolutely boneless, the only tension in the fingers twisted in Raph's shirt.
Donnie was fidgeting beside him. Glancing over at the water more and more.
“Go swim, D.” Raph encouraged, in a whisper.
“I can’t leave Leo alone while he’s asleep.” Donnie mumbled back, tight.
“He’s not alone.” Raph said. “He’s with me.”
Donnie looked up at him, and it felt like some kind of enormous test. But Raph had been studying little brothers his whole life. He wanted Donnie to trust him too. Not just with himself, as shown by the leaning touch against his side, but more importantly with Leo.
“He might have a nightmare.” Donnie said, quiet.
“I’ll handle it if he does.” Raph promised. He was thinking about a snot faced little slider waking him up in the middle of the night to get Raph to check under his bed for monsters.
Donnie continued to hesitate. Then glanced over at the lake again when Casey fell in with a huge splash. It was undeniably hot, a cloudless sky with no buffer from the height of the sun. Donnie hated being hot.
“If he needs you, I will fetch you. You’re not going far.” Raph said, measured and slow.
“Okay.” Donnie agreed finally, and squeezed Raph’s bicep as he got up. “Thank you. I love you.”
Raph was so lucky to have these two twins to love. “I love you too. Get in the water, swimmy-boy.”
Donnie gave a gratuitous salute and meet Banana halfway in his skip back into the water. Aquatic turtle immediately back in his element, darting out to the red buoy again.
Raph stayed where he was. He soaked in every precious second of Leo’s undisturbed sleep. Though he ground his teeth loudly, making Raph wince.
Casey and Mikey got out of the water to pillage the cooler and kept a respectful distance from the sleeping duo when Raph shooed them away. Instead they began to skip rocks over the lake surface instead. Raph was impressed at how Splinter managed to outfox everyone else by skipping almost halfway across the lake.
Leo twitched in his grip. Raph had sat perfectly still for maybe two hours, not daring to interrupt. The twitch turned into a faint whine, curling closer. The forewarned nightmares truly couldn’t give him more than a couple hours, huh? Raph wished he could sooth it and attempted to rub the back of his neck again.
It didn’t help. Leo chirped, the most broken sound he’d ever heard from his loud and fearless little brother. Muscles tense. Breath coming faster.
Raph held him closer, trying to imbue love into the dream. His own heart was beginning to race at witnessing Leo suffer. Another heartbreaking chirp. Then a gasp for air, Leo’s eyes wide open.
“Hey buddy, I’ve got you.” Raph assured. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Leo’s gaze settled on Raph’s face and crumpled. He said, split apart and destroyed, “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, hey, none of that.” Raph couldn’t stand how Leo’s breath was coming rabbit-quick like he was still terrified out of his mind. And fucking apologizing.
A sob punched through Leo and he let go of Raph’s shirt to miserably cover his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut, expression crumpled.
Raph could only cradle his baby brother closer. He felt so fucking small. He bonked their foreheads together and said, “You’re good. Raph’s got you."
“You shouldn’t.” Leo stammered, eyes a little wild like he wasn’t really there. Hazy too. Undeniably tired. “It’s my fault.”
Raph thought about the feverish strength of self hatred in a mind meld and the overheard screaming matches over who’s to blame for who jumping in which hell. “I know you’re not about to tell me not to hug my little brother who I love more than anything. There’s nothing that would make me want to be anywhere but right here right now doing this.”
Leo’s chest was practically heaving for air. “You hate anyone who hurts your brothers.”
Bruises on Donnie’s throat. Cracks in Leo’s shell. Sometimes Raph laid awake at night and wondered if he contained enough sheer rage now that he could flatten Prime with one single smack of an enormous red palm. He did not deny the statement, because rage was an old friend greeted at the door. “Yes.”
“I hurt your brother.” Leo stated, like he was laying the worst prize in the world on the floor.
Raph thought immediately of a locked bathroom and a discarded towel covered in blood. But then realized from the glint in Leo’s eye that he wasn’t thinking of himself as Raph’s brother in this instance, he was flickering his gaze towards the lake where a soft shell turtle was floating leisurely in the water with a wrist still faintly yellowed on the edges.
Raph’s blood chilled. He couldn’t get the image of the twins out of his mind, in a beautiful grassy field with Donnie determined and scared and in pain and Leo seemingly not on this planet, because there was no planet that he hurt Donnie like that. But Raph hadn’t known how to deal, because it surged even more uncomfortable memories of pink flesh and minds gone elsewhere and a tentacle wrapped around a throat — and.
And Leo was looking at Raph like he was expecting Raph to agree, because in the moment he’d snapped at him, he’d gotten defensive of Donnie and pushed Leo aside like he wasn’t hurting too. He had to make it right. He said, insistent, “That wasn’t your fault. You weren’t in your head really.”
But then Leo did something he didn’t expect. His face broke into a wide, delirious smile, and he said with relish, “Oh, mi hermano. That wasn’t what I was talking about.”
Raph could only stare. Heart pumping harder and harder at the uncanny valley smile and the gleeful way Leo seemed to be enjoying, but not really, but —
Raph didn’t know what to think. And he was terrified, in this moment, that he was going to have the wrong reaction again. That he was going to reinforce whatever sick game Leo was playing to try and make everyone else hate him as much as he did himself.
Raph inhaled. He considered the picture, and said, “I know you won’t believe me when I say that I love you no matter what happened in there. But it’s true. There’s nothing you could tell me that would change my mind.”
“Even if I hurt Donnie?” Leo challenged. He was shaking in Raph’s hold.
“I meant what I said.” Raph was stubborn. “You’re telling me you hurt Donnie in there. Okay. I hear you. But he’s okay. He’s swimming in a lake right now living his best life.”
Leo’s whole act fell again and he struggled to get it back on. He couldn't, voice small. “You don’t — I hurt him on purpose, Raph.”
That was hard. Raph couldn’t deny that was hard, and he didn’t get why Leo was trying to make it even harder for him to digest the information. Practically flinging it in his face. Self destructive. A locked bathroom door.
“Seems to me the person struggling the most with that is you.” Raph pointed out. “Certainly Donnie doesn't care, considering he has to be pulled away from you with a crow bar.”
“I hurt my twin, Raph.” Leo whispered, eyes out on the water. Dull and cold.
And yeah, no fucking reason Leo was having such a hard time coping. That was actually worse case scenario for Hamato Leonardo. Knowing Leo, he would’ve rathered taken a thousand hits himself than let Donnie take a single one. Let alone if he was the one administering it.
Which begged the most important question, really. He asked, “Why?”
“Why what?” Leo echoed, without turning his head.
“Why did you hurt him?”
Quiet. Wind over water. Chatter from below. Raph could feel the tremor running through Leo. His only saving grace was that Leo didn’t seem to have the strength to pull away from the hug. He laid in his arms like a lifeless doll — stiff and unmoving compared to the buttery melt of sleep earlier, like he could only enjoy something if he wasn’t conscious to deny himself.
“Does it matter?” Leo said, after an age. “I still hurt him. The justifications don’t change the result.”
“I know you, Leo.” Raph said simply. “You did not want to hurt him. Or else you wouldn’t care right now. Whatever happened — I’m sure there was no other choice.”
“I … “ Leo was staring so far off, shivering like he was cold. Raph felt about a thousand degrees in this sun, and tried to rub some warmth into the smaller arms in his grasp. Then Leo said, “I did have a choice. He gave me a choice.”
The word ‘he’ hit Raph like a brick wall. The reminder of the third player in this horror show. The old friend of anger knocking at his door. Raph’s voice was a mockery of normal when he asked, so incredibly careful and aware of the mine field he was standing in, “What choice?”
“Of … of who would hurt Donnie.”
Sick nausea rolled over Raph, making him shut his eyes for a brief second against it. That. That sounded like straight up torture. Was it the sword marks on the soft shell? Did it matter? Disgusting mind games, and boy did it fuck with Leo’s mind! Raph choked out, “Bud, that’s not a choice. That’s not a choice at all. You can’t — you.” And here was where Raph was going to fail, because he didn’t have the vocabulary, the flawless arguments to explain that it wasn't a choice, it was — it was something else that spoke of a lack of agency and a manipulation to fuck with his head and — and Leo was never going to believe him. Because this asshole had climbed into his baby brother's head and made him think that he was making choice to hurt the twin he’d rather die ten times over than ever hurt for even a minute. He couldn’t win over this monster. They needed the god damn therapist because the trauma had a chokehold that his words alone could not loosen.
“You did nothing wrong.” Raph’s stated finally, inadequate but something. It wasn’t enough. It definitely wasn’t enough, judging by the caverns that were once Leo’s warm gaze. Once his shy and sweet smile, something Raph wanted so desperately he could also put missing posters up for it.
“You shouldn’t have sat here with me this whole time.” Leo said instead of acknowledging, in a dead voice. “You should've gone swimming too.”
“Lake isn't going anywhere.” Raph shrugged.
A strained beat of silence. Leo asked in a damp voice, “Why won’t you let go of me?”
Raph really didn’t think his heart could be broken more and he was always so consistently proven wrong. He said, wholly, “Because I love you.”
It was somehow the wrong thing to say. Something shattered in Leo’s already dull eyes, and he turned his face away with a shudder.
Raph idly stroked the back of his neck again, but it didn’t have the same reaction. He’d gone so uncomfortable and motionless in his arms. That just wouldn’t do.
“Come on, it’s too hot out here.” Raph said, kicking off his shoes. “We’re going in the water.”
“I’m good.” Leo said, lifeless.
“Oh, I ain’t askin’.” Raph got up and brought the bundle of brother with him.
“Raph…” Leo provided just a touch of his little brother whine. It released just a bit of the agony – Leo was in there. Maybe he was still locked in a prison, but he was in there. "My shell."
"Trust me. Raph's got you." Raph said, and he meant it. He meant it with everything he had, if only he could reach through the bars and pull Leo from his dull and cold cell. For now, he could stride into the swaying cool water. An instant balm on his skin where it licked up his legs, skin sizzling hot from sitting so long in the sun. He maneuvered them around, rolling over to float like a large island and giving Leo his whole spiky shell to lounge on.
After a moment, Leo dipped his toes in the water and gave a barely-there sigh of relief. Skimming fingertips against the surface and flinging droplets at Donnie as he approached in his own float.
Donnie's eyes peaked over the surface tension, flickering a glance to Raph's. He looked a little nervous, so Raph tried to look reassuring, even though his heart was in shreds from what Leo just told him. He had no idea what to do with this new information but to hold onto it like a bomb.
Donnie floated alongside them, coming around the side and reaching up when Leo stretched a hand out to him.
“Don’t drag me in the water, Tello.” Leo said, weak and tired and undeniably serious about the request.
Donnie merely hummed and pressed his wet cheek to Leo’s hand. Raph didn’t have to be told the details to know, just from that sight alone, that Donnie had long since forgiven Leo for whatever he’d done.
It was just Leo who had to forgive himself. And Leo was so very good at holding grudges.
Chapter Text
Donnie didn’t mind therapy, actually.
Like, to have an adult who was forced to listen to every thought that went through his mind? It was an ideal situation and an interesting experience, especially since April took great pains to find ‘the smartest therapist she could’ as she knew Donnie had low tolerance for taking advice from anyone he deemed an idiot. So occasionally their discussions dissolved from productive healing into superconductors. Then his therapist would make some really poignant connection between superconductors and his issues and Donnie would find it hard later to make anyone else understand why it helped him so much.
But that was the point. It was only meant to help him. April had also taken the initiative to organize Leo and Donnie’s sessions to run concurrently — every other day at 10AM, Donnie set up his video call in the basement and Leo in their bedroom.
Summer was in height, burning hot sun and vibrant flowers. Donnie was growing used to the farmhouse and its idiosyncrasies — meals in a big, bright kitchen, his projects set up in the corner of the rec room after April kindly ferried some items over in her Subaru from the city, with trips down to the lake as often as Donnie could convince them to go, and cultivating the garden he’d started in the backyard.
It was hard at first, to spend an hour separated from Leo to do therapy, especially if he actually talked about his trip to hell. Then afterwards he would be all anxious and panicky. But Leo was always waiting for him with a hug and a promise that everything was fine.
Leo never talked about what his therapist said. When asked about his sessions, he’d shrug. Donnie hoped that maybe he was getting something out of it, but it was so hard to tell.
“It’s not your responsibility for Leo to get better.” His therapist said. The background of his video call was a huge bookcase and Donnie often inspected the titles instead of making eye contact.
“He’s my twin brother.” Donnie said. “Of course it is.”
“You can do everything in your power to make sure Leo has access to support and help, but you can’t make him take it.” His therapist spread his hands out.
Donnie thought about if you, then me. “I can try.”
His therapist sighed. “You are connected, you are intertwined. Electrons orbiting the same nucleus. But you are not the same. You affect each other, and to lose one would change the whole. But you would still exist even if Leo was not here.”
Donnie’s stomach yanked away with a fishhook. “Why are you saying that? Leo isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to think about Leo going anywhere.”
“Because I’m telling you that the opposite is true, that his recovery is not dependent on you. I do not deny that you are twins or that you have been fused together in trauma. But each of you has to decide to heal and take steps towards what that looks like independently. And I think an important part of your process is accepting that healing is something distinct from your other half. Something you must take on alone, and Leo must take on alone, and you cannot stop yourself from going forward because you’re waiting for him to catch up.”
“I’m not leaving him behind.” Donnie snapped, a white-hot wash of fury at the idea.
His therapist gave a wry smile.
By the time the session was over, Donnie had swung wildly back around to hating therapy again. He stormed up the stairs and burst into the room he shared with Leo and announced, “Therapy is a pointless endeavour and I refuse to participate anymore.”
“Ah.” Leo was laying on his back, arms over his eyes, laptop shut behind him. He spoke blindly, “Let me guess, he suggested something about separating more?”
Donnie stood in the doorway for a moment, immediately put on blast by his perceptive brother. “How’d you know?”
Leo’s lips curled in a rueful smile. “Because he’s always the best therapist in the world until he strikes a nerve on your unending loyalty.”
Donnie huffed, and crossed the room to collapse beside him. “How’d yours go?”
“Fine.” Leo still didn’t move his arms.
“Have you been crying?” Donnie asked, pulling on his elbow.
But the eyes revealed were not red, just squinted in pain. Leo immediately chased his arm to hide again.
“Ah.” Donnie doubled back to shut off the overhead light. Now that it had been almost eight weeks since they left hell, and Leo’s most persistent issue was definitely the post concussion symptoms.
“I’m fine.” Leo said, needlessly.
“Totally fine.” Donnie agreed. He mentally rewrote his plans for the afternoon where he’d wanted to sit in the sun and work on his garden. It would be too bright.
That was probably what his therapist was talking about, but it was cruel to ask Donnie to leave his twin alone and in pain. He grabbed his tablet and set up beside him, tapping away at the blueprint he was working on.
“He’s right, you know.” Leo murmured, ten minutes later after he still hadn’t moved.
“Who? My therapist?” Donnie asked, then scoffed incredulously.
“Aw, come on, D. You know codependency isn’t healthy.” Leo needled, even as he stayed completely motionless, eyes covered, just a smiling mouth.
“Being invested in your well-being isn’t codependent.” Donnie hunched closer to himself.
“And being invested to the detriment of your own well-being?” Leo wondered.
“Were you listening?” Donnie said, heart jumping.
Leo laughed. “Oh, got it in one, did I? No, Tello. I just know how you work. And I am working on myself, so you gotta work on you.”
Donnie wanted to believe him. He did. But. Sometimes… it just didn’t add up.
Leo sighed after another few minutes, and straightened up. “Alright, come on, I know you wanna go water your plants.”
Donnie hovered guiltily over his tablet. He didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, because he’d really rather be outside, but there was no way Leo was already good to go. “What about your headache?”
Leo waved a dismissive hand. “I’ll put sunglasses on.”
“Now who’s invested to the detriment of their own well-being?” Donnie said, not with any heat.
“Getting fresh air is good for both of us.” Leo pointed out, digging in his bag for the pair of a darker set of Lou Jitsu sunglasses that April brought for him last time she made the trip into New York.
Donnie didn’t argue, because he wanted to go outside and he wanted Leo to come with him.
Banana was already in the yard, racing back and forth between Mikey who was sitting in the grass with a sketchbook and Casey who was halfway up a tree. Then she diverted to come greet them, paws on Leo and trying to jump up.
“Relax, girl.” Leo intercepted the tongue with his palm. Donnie watched his face, because he'd noticed Banana was the only one who invoked a real smile on his face anymore. He wanted to capture it, but the upturned lips were fleeting – as soon as Banana darted away again, it faded.
Donnie dragged the hose over to water his plants. The hot sun and lack of rain meant he needed to be diligent in watering. Leo sat on the steps and watched him do it, chin in hand, impossible to tell where his stare was directed with the dark glasses over his eyes. He sat there, unmoving.
The sprouting leaves absorbed the water into the dirt. Donnie swayed the hose back and forth, trying not to glance at his twin every ten seconds and failing. His feet got wet through the purple crocs he was wearing. The sun beat down, persistent and hot. Casey fell out of the tree he was climbing.
"Ow." The lump on the ground announced.
Leo got up and jogged over, Banana hot on his heels. "Break anything?"
"Just my pride." Casey didn't move beyond a limp thumbs up. Then he turned it into an open palm towards Leo. "Help me up?"
Leo took the hand and Casey pulled him onto the ground instead, sending Leo sprawling in the grass beside him. After a startled beat, Leo said flatly, "Why."
"Gotta keep your guard up." Casey said, guileless. "The shade is better over here, anyway."
Leo relaxed a little underneath the tree and didn't get up. Donnie circled his garden then obligingly sprayed the dog when she tried to nip at the water droplets. Then she immediately tried to shake herself dry beside Casey and Leo, who leapt up and out of the blast radius.
"She's just trying to cool down!" Mikey defended. "We should do that too. Can we go get ice cream?"
"I haven't tried that yet." Casey said, vaguely curious, arms behind his head.
"Bro." Mikey said. "Well now we have to."
"I am amenable to that suggestion." Donnie glanced over at Leo.
There was no reaction from his twin, if he was even paying attention. Donnie very helpfully sprayed him with the hose.
"Thanks." Leo said.
"You're welcome. Ice cream?" Donnie turned the water off.
Leo shrugged, flicking water off his fingertips. He said, "If you want."
"April said there's a super cute ice cream stand up the road." Mikey bounced excitedly on his heels.
"Not to burst your bubble or anything, but what about, uh, this whole situation?" Casey gestured to the three turtles in front of him.
"Hoodies." Mikey said.
"In the middle of summer?"
"We'll really want the ice cream when we're done, I guess."
Donnie made a face, because the idea of putting a hoodie on in the blazing hot sun sounded like a sensory nightmare.
"I can get yours." Leo offered, bonking their shoulders together, because he read Donnie like a book.
Gathering their things, including hoodies to throw on when they approached, they walked up the road. There was a small corner store and post office, as well as a seasonal ice cream stand. Mikey had Banana's leash and walked with Casey to quiz him on what sweets he had tried, and the twins stayed behind them, their steps in matching cadence.
Leo didn't say anything. Gaze still hidden behind dark sunglasses, otherwise looking unmoved and unbothered.
Donnie reached out, a flash of white, poking Leo in the space between only their minds. 'Hey.'
No response. Donnie tried again, a more insistent nudge, really crawling into Leo's mind and trying to make himself known.
Leo's shoulders jumped, and for a moment Donnie felt a sharp stab in his temples and a swim of noxious emotion before he was gently pushed out and into the metaphorical hallway between their connection. Leo replied, 'Hey.'
'Your head hurts?' Donnie asked, still feeling the reverb shot through him.
'I told you it did.' Leo said, nonchalant. 'It's fine. The sunglasses help.'
Donnie didn't even know where to begin on the cloud of emotions swirling. Was it a hangover from therapy? He stared at the side of his twin's face and failed to gleam the answer. It was frustrating. It churned concern and worry in his gut.
"What are you guys talking about?" Mikey asked, out loud, breaking what would've been a long silence with Donnie's eyes glowing a tell-tale white.
"What flavour of ice cream to get." Leo replied, so automatic, and they were still connected so Donnie could feel the way the gears and cogs turned to get that flawless lie out his mouth.
'Well, what flavour do you want?' Donnie asked, because he wasn't even sure what flavours this ice cream stand would have.
Leo didn't respond, and there was a backwash of … first something snapping and something else like maybe disgust? Leo broke the connection and left Donnie off-balance.
"Donnie wants strawberry." Leo said out loud, which was so unfair. Because he guessed right without having to be told, without having to reach down any kind of connection.
"Only if there's no chunks." Donnie added, grabbing Leo's arm to keep his footing since he'd been so rudely kicked out of his twin's mind.
Leo rolled his eyes. "Obviously."
"I'm thinking chocolate!" Mikey said, glancing between them, like he wasn't sure if something was going on. "What flavour should we get Casey Junior for his first time?"
"Casey Senior likes tiger tail. Maybe we should see if there's a family resemblance." Donnie suggested, remembering when he went out with the girls for ice cream before the apocalypse and Casey had wanted the flavour with the most challenge.
Mikey giggled. "Is she gonna appreciate being called senior when she's like, almost the same age as her kid?"
"We need some differentiation if we are discussing both of them in the same sentence and she does not appreciate being called 'Cassandra'." Donnie scoffed.
"Mum liked us both being called Casey because she enjoyed confusing people." Casey chimed in.
"Of course she did." Leo said, fondness for their newer friend clear. He did like anyone who had a good bit.
For the rest of the walk Casey described a few occasions where his mother took advantage of their shared moniker, such as sending the eight-year-old to a debrief in her name so she could take a nap.
The small cluster of services up the road had some humans milling around. Donnie refused to put his hoodie on in the heat, so they left him to claim a picnic table and the others went to the ice cream stand themselves.
Donnie usually would've spent that time on his phone, but he couldn't quite manage that yet. Instead he clenched his hands together and did some breathing exercises, trying super hard to be normal about Leo being out of arm's reach. He could literally see Leo standing in line with Casey and Mikey, hands in his pockets, slouched. They'd left Banana with him, and she was laying warm and fluffy on his purple crocs. He reached down to pet her and kept breathing slow.
Whether or not the cashier cared about the green faces underneath the hoods, the three successfully acquired ice cream and joined Donnie at the table he was saving. Donnie reached for the pink cone in Leo's hand as soon as he got close, asking, "Chunks?"
"Don't think so. We can trade if there is." Leo was holding plain vanilla, which was weird. Usually he got peanut butter cup or bubblegum or anything too sweet to bear.
Donnie bumped their shoulders together, giving the vanilla a pointed look.
"I didn't want something complicated." Leo shrugged, as if that wasn't weird. Leo loved complicated. It was practically his middle name. He caught Donnie's strange look through the dark sunglasses and tapped his forehead in answer. Right. His head hurt. But still.
The strawberry ice cream didn't have chunks in it. Mikey had chosen 'turtle' ice cream based solely off the name and kept leaning over to give Banana some to lick. Casey did get tiger tail, and could not decide if he liked it.
It almost felt normal. It was so close to normal. They talked about what movie they wanted to show Casey later, Mikey and Donnie arguing over the best choices and Casey struggling to eat the cone without making a mess. And Leo…
Leo was silent. He was holding the ice cream, and it was melting, a steady drip down his fingers. It was hard to tell with the sunglasses on, but Donnie was pretty sure he was staring at the melted puddle as it grew.
"Hey." Donnie bonked their shoulders together.
"Hm?" Leo hummed back, but didn't move.
"Are you eating that or not?"
Leo didn't reply. He didn't move at all. It was twigging something in Donnie's brain, something was off. Wrong. He gently took the ice cream from Leo's hand and passed it over to Mikey, who'd gone quiet. Then he grabbed the napkins they'd brought over and wiped the vanilla off Leo's fingers.
"Leo." Donnie insisted, and reached up to lift the sunglasses and meet his gaze. "Hey. Are you okay?"
After a second, his eyes flickered and met his, and he said, "Yeah, sorry. Just not feeling ice cream, I guess."
Donnie remembered the shot of something-disgust he'd felt earlier, when they were linked. "We could go get you a different flavour."
There was a dazed look in his eyes, that was covered when Leo arranged the sunglasses back on his nose, ducking his head from the bright sun. "Nah. Try the vanilla, Case. Maybe you'll like it better."
Mikey and Donnie exchanged a glance, but after a moment Mikey handed the nearly melted ice cream to Casey and said, "Give it a shot. Licorice is a pretty strong flavour, so maybe tiger tail was a bold place to start."
“My mum's a bold person.” Casey had a rueful smile, and tried a small lick of the vanilla. “That’s not bad either.”
“Which do you like better?” Mikey asked.
Donnie diverted his attention back to the dull mimic of his twin beside him. He was tracing the outline of melted vanilla ice cream on the splinter-filled picnic table.
“Your head really hurts that much?” Donnie asked, because it was the only thing he could think of that made sense for the spacey and weird behaviour currently going on.
“I guess.” Leo murmured.
A helpless frustration. “You didn’t need to come outside with me if it was that bad.”
“It’s not that bad.” Leo denied.
Donnie had no idea what would count as 'that bad' under Leo's standards nowadays. Leo could be standing before him, bleeding from every orifice, and he'd probably still claim it was just a scratch. Leo had always been a liar, but Donnie used to feel like he could still tell what the truth was underneath it all.
Studying his twin's face now, he felt so very far away and small. All of the things that made them intertwined and codependent couldn't help the fact that Donnie knew Leo wasn't letting him in – not really. He'd always kept an arm's length between himself and his problems, and back when insomnia was the largest mountain wedging them apart it wasn't a huge deal. Now…
Donnie reached out once more, a tentative hand outstretched in the space of their minds. There was only a small breath of air where he felt the ice burn of Leo's mind, before he was gently rebuffed and pushed back out.
"Chill." Leo said, and smiled. "Seriously, I'm fine."
"Let's go back home." Donnie said, slowly, because he didn't know what else to do.
Leo shrugged like it didn't matter. "Sounds good to me."
They walked back in the sun. Despite the heat, Leo still had his hoodie on, keeping the shade over his face. He didn't take off the sunglasses until they got inside, scrolling disinterestedly on his phone.
There was a the sticky layer of sweat on his skin and Donnie took over the shower for as long as he could stand to be parted from Leo, which was getting longer and longer each time, then the two of them curled back up in bed for a nap.
Donnie, without quite meaning to, began to cry.
"Aw, D." Leo locked his phone and set it aside, gifting Donnie with his full attention. The worried crease between his brow was so prominent he looked like Raph. Without the sunglasses, there was a soft red tinge to the whites of his eyes. "What's up? What do you need?"
"Nothing." Donnie sniffed hugely and swiped at his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. "That's just – I just remembered thinking something. In there. And I don't know why it upset me. It wasn't something bad."
"Something good in there?" Leo asked, offering out his hand. Donnie flapped his own hand to show he wanted to stim, so Leo retreated, watching instead.
"When we were still fighting over the water, I thought about how much I wanted to have ice cream and take a hot bath and crawl into clean sheets."
Leo didn't need to be able to read his mind for the understanding to blossom on his face, nodding along. "Right. And today you had some ice cream and a hot shower and now we are laying on a soft bed and not a cave floor."
Sometimes Donnie could feel exactly as if it was still happening. As if the sights of the prison dimension were burnt into his cornea, always there and waiting for him to turn his gaze just the right way to see it again. The sensation of the uncomfortable cave floor, how hollow he ached – contrasted painfully with this moment of a stomach of ice cream, skin clean and fresh, and soft sheets.
That pain was the tears. Donnie didn't like it and continued to irritably flap his hands, though he provided Leo with a nod that his guess was correct.
"You're okay." Leo promised, sugar-sweet voice even as his expression didn't match – it was searching, scanning up and down Donnie like he was trying to figure it out. "What do we need right now? I'll get it."
Donnie could remember the pervasive chill, deep in his bones, and he could remember the last want he'd had that day. A turtle pile, the chur of Raph beside him and the dimples in Mikey's smile.
"Can – can you get Mike and Raph?" Donnie asked, fluttering all his fingers and rocking just a little.
Leo turned away quickly. But not quick enough that Donnie missed how his whole face fell.
"Woah, what?" Donnie said, confused, because that reaction made no sense.
"Nothing." Leo turned back and the plastic perfect expression returned. "Of course we can get them."
"Hold on." Donnie shook his head rapidly, stomach sunk to his toes. "Hold on, wait, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Leo's smile just barely wobbled on the corner of his mouth.
Donnie reached out and poked right there. "No, I'm not buying that. Tell me what you're thinking."
A too-long moment of thought, the blueprint search behind his gaze, then Leo spun his lies, "I was just surprised. We haven't turtle piled since we got back."
That didn't make sense for the reaction it received. Donnie tried to make sense of it, and hazarded a guess, "Are you jealous?"
"No." Leo said immediately. "Come on, D. You know I've been nothing but encouraging of you reaching out to everyone since we got home."
That was true, but it didn't quite line up with what Donnie had experienced. Maybe it wasn't jealousy, but it was certainly something. Something Donnie really didn't like. It made him hesitate to follow through with his request, if it was going to upset Leo. Donnie wanted to avoid upsetting Leo at all costs – their healing was slow and painful and Leo had made such seemingly little progress in comparison to Donnie. No matter how much his twin wanted to pretend like he was improving, it was obvious to anyone with eyes.
Maybe a turtle pile would help him too. He acquiesced with a quiet, "Okay. Let's see if they want to come hang out, then."
Which. Of course they did. Less than three minutes after they texted the groupchat they had Raph at the door with Mikey underneath his arm.
"You rang?" Raph said, grinning from ear to ear.
Mikey made grabby hands from where he hung from Raph's grip, also grinning. "Hi! We're here for the requested cuddles!"
Donnie shuffled over to make room for them. Raph took the invitation and flopped on the middle of the bed. Banana slipped in when the door opened and bulleted onto the bed with them. She went directly for Leo, who oofed and fell backwards, arms full of fluffy dog wiggling in excitement.
"Nice of you to join us." Leo mumbled, face in her fur, squeezing tight.
"I want the edge." Donnie requested, because he was a little itchy on touch at the moment and wanted an escape.
"Heard, chef." Raph rearranged so he was squishing a giggling Mikey and let Donnie have the edge closest to the door. This left Banana and Leo crushed against the wall, with Mikey reaching out to hug them both.
"Were you crying?" Raph asked, soft, looking at Donnie's face.
Donnie scrubbed at his cheeks again. "I'm fine. Everything fine. It's just been a long time since we had a turtle pile."
"Turtle and dog now." Mikey repeatedly smooched the top of Banana's head, worming into Leo's personal space to do so.
"We could add some humans and a rat if you wanted, too." Raph offered.
"Maybe next time." Donnie allowed, because the bed was in danger of their combined weight already, if they wanted everyone it would be better suited for the living room. He was feeling all twisted up and upset-but-not-upset about everything, unable to pinpoint where his emotions were coming from – and having spent some time with his therapist discussing that flashbacks didn't necessarily just involve seeing and hearing things, but feeling them too. So he wasn't even sure if his want-but-not-want touch at the moment was real or not.
Though perception was reality, and all that. Donnie kept his edge of the mattress and hung onto Raph's big arm that kept him from falling off. The warmth of his biggest brother and the fact that he had all his brothers nearby. It wasn't quite as he'd imagined while in hell, too many things complicated for dimpled smiles or unfurrowed brows, but they were okay. They were together.
The four brothers put on a Jupiter Jim deep dive Youtube video and perched it on the bedside table to wash over them. Mikey floated away and came back with chicken wings, and Donnie threatened to disembowel anyone who got sauce on their blankets. And eventually they settled down again.
Waves and surges of anxiety kept trying to rouse Donnie, but he stubbornly remained in the pile of brothers in the hopes it might just ease the secondhand panic trying to take over inside him. Nothing bad happened, they hung out, each of them dropping off to sleep. Donnie included.
In his dreams he was looking for someone. And when he woke, it was to Banana nosing at his hand off the side of the bed. Shining eyes in the dark bedroom, the flicker of the Youtube video auto-played to something else against the wall. There was a sound coming from further in the house that made Donnie's stomach lurch uncomfortably. He couldn't pinpoint what it was, but it was… echoing and repetitive and weird. Made even worse when he twisted to look at his pile of brothers and saw one missing. Leo was no longer squished against the wall, and there was something happening. Something that was uncanny valley wrong in a way that Donnie couldn't describe, just that it rattled him to his core before he'd even gotten to his feet.
Donnie strung up in confusion and anticipation, because Leo was missing from the pile of love, because something was happening and his brain was running through thousands of logical and reasonable explanations for what he was hearing and none of them made sense. He gently extracted himself from the pile and padded across the room. Banana whined. She looked up at him the dark, blinking.
"Stay here." Donnie whispered, because he was scared of what he was going to find. It felt like he was still asleep even though he was so uncomfortably awake, the late night ephemeral everything painting the world in haze and too-close too-far surrealism. And that sound. What was it? The pulse of it got louder as Donnie crept the door open and slipped out without releasing the dog. His heart was thundering, which wasn't helping his attempt to determine what the hell he was hearing.
Donnie's fingers traced the wall, and paused. There was a break in the line of clocks, periodic holes. Trepidation crawled up his throat, nervous and wondering and scared in a detached, punctured way.
The sound grew louder and louder towards the living room. Donnie stopped in the doorway, heart caught in his throat, swaying in place.
It was eerie – the only illumination was Leo's phone face down, flashlight up, casting white cut-out shadow on the ceiling of his twin brother sitting on the floor. Otherwise dark, the room instead filled with a terrible noise that grew more unbearable that longer Donnie stood there. The source was obvious now – it was the dozens of clocks Leo had spread on the floor around him, all assembled back into working order and ticking perfectly in time. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Leo had another clock in his lap. It was open and he was obviously mid-way through getting it working again. But he wasn't currently moving, staring straight ahead, eyes dull and body wracked with shivers. Pale as a ghost. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Leon?" Donnie ventured, unable to keep the horror out of his voice, the disturbing nature of this situation hard to articulate but prevalent in every inch of his skin. Why did the tick of the clock sound so sinister, when it was reverberated thirty times over? It felt unnatural. Especially with Leo sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by them, shaking and distant. What was going on?
"Hey." Donnie picked across the room and stepped between the clocks. His shadow joined Leo's in the inverted flashlight, pasting his silhouette on the ceiling as he took the disassembled clock out of his lap. "Hey, what's going on, talk to me?"
Leo didn't look at him. In the middle of the circle, the noise was practically unbearable, rippling through his chest. Donnie grabbed his hands and squeezed, to no response. The crawling sound resonated from every angle.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Chapter Text
Donnie cleared enough space to sit directly in front of his twin, setting aside the ominously ticking clocks. It made such a conscious sensation of time passing, an uncomfortable crawl underneath the layers of his skin, but he pushed through. The pale, shaking brother was more important at the moment, how dull and lifeless his eyes were, even when Donnie planted himself in his direct line of sight.
"Hey." Donnie tried again, even as the attempt was just as useless as before. He lined them up, knees to knees, and took both of Leo's hands. Squeezing the limp fingers. He was definitely awake, even though his eyes didn't focus on anything. Breath coming a scared-quick, shoulders hunched, and the aching shake all over his body. Leo was scared out of his mind, something which Donnie had seen enough flavours of terror to know. But it didn't make sense, none of this made sense.
"I'm gonna help you." Donnie promised, even if he had no idea how. He squeezed a rhythm of their hands together, trying to gather his thoughts past the uneasy horror movie that this living room had become in the middle of the night.
Of course, it was so hard to help when Donnie had no idea what was wrong. As Donnie tipped down his chin to try and insert himself into Leo's dazed sightline, he knew what he had to do. Donnie would be more worried about the invasion of privacy if Leo hadn't been the one to set the precedent, climbing into Donnie's head during a panic attack before. This felt like a panic attack, even if Leo was otherwise still and unmoving beyond his tremors. Just from how scared Leo appeared to be.
"Hey L." Donnie whispered, and hated that it was almost drowned out by the relentless tick-tick-tick-tick. "I'm gonna pull you out, okay? Get ready."
No visible reaction. Donnie tried not to give himself enough time to be afraid, because there shouldn't have been anything that Leo was enduring that he would endure alone. That was the whole point of them, the two-for-one, if you then me. He reached out between the space between them, bridging the gap.
The connection flickered but caught, Leo's mind letting him in. Immediately Donnie was sunk down, down, dragged and trapped. He was pinned in place, muscles straining, pulling with everything he had. Heavy rock relentless and unmoving against his shell. One hand crawled out, reaching forward, eyes locked on the sight before him.
His vision was tunnelled, peripherals miles away and central focus exploded wide. Everywhere, from every inch of the dark void around them, was echoing with the same sound. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Donnie's blood rolling down the tip of the blade of Leo's sword. A moment frozen in time, stretched to eternity, ticking in perfect cadence to the clocks somewhere far beyond hell.
Torn slashes up a softshell, the sight of himself curled over and face heaving a sob into the rock. Trapped in this moment, as the amount of blood dripping off the sword was beyond logic, an expansive lake of shining red surrounding the stage. Every drip widened the field. Prime stood tall, sword at his side, the sight of the imposing figure lurching his stomach. He seemed to take up an impossible amount of space in the scene.
Drip-drip-drip. Donnie felt the burden of emotion spread out between their shared brainspace, a flood like the surface tension of blood crawling over new ground – the sheer, untameable amount of fear. Complicated by hundreds of overwhelming emotions, but none quite so loud as the fear.
Donnie couldn't actually quite believe how potent the feeling was. It was beyond conceptualization, but felt thick and suffocating enough that the power of it half shared between two brains felt enough to kill him. Like he could be felled by the sheer power of it alone.
Drip-drip-tick-tick.
But this wasn't happening. The moment preserved in time wasn't actually real – not anymore, at least.
Donnie couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't do more than stare in hyper-realistic tunnel focus on a drip of blood down a familiar sword. The burden of fear was split, but the power of it was too strong to even overcome in halves. No. Donnie was just as trapped by this moment as his twin.
Tick-tick-tick-tick.
As much as he loathed to hand back the crushing load of fear, Donnie had no power in here. He let go.
Instantly, Donnie returned, knee to knee with his twin, holding his hands, and far too aware what was transpiring behind the dull gaze. The clocks continued to tick, trapping Leo in hell. Like Leo set this up to crawl back inside that place.
"What's going on?"
Donnie blinked the haze out of his eyes and turned to see Casey Junior, plaid pajamas and barefeet against the floor, staring at them with unease and confusion.
Donnie inhaled, trembling himself now from the hangover of absolutely destroying levels of fear, and eyed the newcomer warily. He could've told the kid to fuck off.
But really, the longer these clocks kept ticking, the longer Leo was locked in that horrible moment. Donnie said, "Can you help me disassemble all these clocks?"
"Yes sir." Casey didn't ask any more questions, simply got on his knees and started to remove batteries and gears.
Donnie's hands were shaking so hard it was almost impossible to work efficiently, but he helped by taking a few of the older clocks with more complicated inner workings and got the ticking to stop. One by one, the sound quieted, two sets of hands getting the room from a horror movie to a quiet on the set.
Casey sat on Leo's left, leaning in with a frown, inspecting his face. He said, "Did he do this?"
There certainly didn't seem to be any other culprit, Donnie having walked in with a partially assembled clock still in Leo's unresponsive hands. It felt like opening the bathroom door to blood and no one else inside. "I assume so."
"Why?" Casey said, so honestly mystified.
Donnie held both his twin's hands again, intently trying to get him back in this dimension now that the eerie echoing tick-drip was gone. "That's a question for him, I think."
Casey looked upset and off balance. He said, quiet, "It was hurting him, wasn't it? That's why."
The sensation in Donnie's body certainly reminded him of the moment he first caught Leo in the midst of self harm. And certainly right now, it appeared that the actions of Leo had caused himself the most harm.
There was no reason to lie to the kid when he'd already figured it out. "I believe Leo found something that triggered an unpleasant memory for himself and invoked it on purpose."
Casey didn't ask why a second time, because the answer was obvious. He glanced at the graveyard of clocks they'd made on the living room floor and said, "I could help you move him to the couch, if you want."
Donnie nodded. Casey weaved an arm around Leo, then faltered. His expression flashed dark and he appraised Leo again with different eyes, searching and … worried?
"Share with the class, Junior." Donnie said, already nervous enough by this whole shit show.
"He's so thin." Casey blurted, a little wild.
Donnie had spent hundreds of hours hugging his twin since they'd left hell, and maybe that was part of the problem – he wouldn't have noticed small changes over time. But Casey was obviously seeing something he'd missed, and Donnie rolled up his sleeve then Leo's to compare. Usually they matched, twins growing up together with the same training and diet and similar body types.
But in this moment, over two months since they left hell, Leo's wrist beside his was thin and fragile. Donnie had obviously been healing, with a healthier glow to his skin, but Leo… wasn't.
"This doesn't make sense." Donnie whispered, because he'd stopped making them eat bite for bite specifically because Leo always ate what was on his plate. Sure, he didn't lick it clean, but Donnie had never once in the last few weeks seen his twin miss a meal. It didn't make sense.
"Come on." Casey easily began to lift Leo, gesturing for Donnie to get his legs. "Let's get him somewhere comfy."
"Yeah." Donnie agreed, throat dry, and they brought Leo out of the clock massacre and onto a soft couch. He crouched by his head and said, coaxing, "Leo, you're home, you're safe. Do you think you could focus on the sound of my voice?"
No response. Donnie anxiously chewed on his own lip, glancing over at Casey.
"What do we need to do?" Casey prompted, looking ready and waiting for instructions.
"He was having a flashback." Donnie explained. "So we need to ground him back into reality."
"Got it." Casey nodded firm, then fidgeted. "How do we do that?"
"We remind him of all the things that are real." Donnie said, but hesitated. He wanted to trust Casey to help… but he needed to know something. "Can I ask you a question, first?"
"Hit me." Casey said.
"A few weeks ago, when you two went for a walk. What did you tell Leo that made him cry?"
Casey sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I really didn't mean to upset him. He was the one who asked, I just told him the truth."
Donnie was sure that if the truth made Leo cry, he wasn't going to like it. But since the conversation wasn't inspiring Leo to snap out of it and stop Donnie from learning the answer, he wanted to know, "And what's that?"
Casey glanced nervously away. "He was asking me about the future. Specifically… your future."
"I died." Donnie guessed, because that was a safe bet considering the tears from Leo.
Casey nodded, a flicker of grief in his eyes that he did not linger on. "You did."
Perhaps Donnie was lacking some kind of emotional empathy that made him understand why the knowledge of a future that had been averted resulted in death that was inevitable anyway was so deeply upsetting. He shrugged and said, "Alright?"
Casey hesitated, then volunteered quietly, "That upset him, yeah, but that wasn't why he was crying."
Rats. Donnie glanced at the kid and ran possibilities through his head. "Something to do with how I died, then?"
"Yes." Casey confirmed. "You died protecting Master Leonardo."
For a moment, Donnie experienced only momentary and fleeting relief – that obviously this other version of himself succeeded to an extent, because the future version of Leo was still alive up until the point that he threw Casey through the portal. It was somewhat nice to know that somewhere the goal of 'keep this idiot twin alive' was actually successful.
Secondary emotions like discomfort at the thought of his own death and the idea of leaving Leo survive through a different hell alone, followed by the cold fist around his heart when he realized what his Leo would've taken away from this information.
There was no universe where Leo would be alright with hearing that Donnie gave his life for Leo's, considering the fight they'd constantly had over jumping into the prison dimension in the first place. Even if it wasn't this universe, it definitely wouldn't help the self-hatred soup of Leo's brain to have that information.
"That's unfortunate." Donnie said, because it couldn't be un-known now and there wasn't much they could do about it.
"I'm sorry." Casey hung his head. "I shouldn't have said anything, but it's been a while since it happened for me and I wasn't really thinking about – I don't know. I wasn't about to lie to him."
"I think there's more than enough lies happening that we don't need to contribute more to the problem." Donnie said.
Casey was studying Leo's face. "You think he's lying."
"Correction, I know he's lying." Donnie said. "Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I know how to get him to tell me the truth instead of sneaking out to trigger himself with two dozen clocks in the middle of the night."
"Isn't that what the therapy is for?" Casey asked, unsure.
Donnie had no idea if Leo had said a single useful thing towards that therapist, or if he was just running the poor dude in circles. But he did know that though Leo was putting on a world class performance of 'getting better,' the stick-thin wrists and self destructive behaviour were ratting him out that it was not actually happening.
"Have you ever known him to listen?" Donnie prompted, and was vindicated by the sad little frown Casey gave. "Come on. Let's get him grounded."
Casey took one hand and Donnie took the other. They kept up a running commentary of the time, date, location. They described all the things they could see through the darkness of the living room shadows, the smells and sounds and sensations. Casey followed instructions to the letter, the monologue easy and calm. Though he kept leaning around to look at Leo's face, searching for the moment he emerged from the flashback.
Which he did. Donnie could tell, because his expression washed with both understanding and a molten shame.
"Hi." Donnie whispered, when he saw that recognition.
"Hi." Leo pulled his hands from their grasp and reached up to cover his own face, shuddering.
"You're okay, sensei." Casey said, ever-faithful at his side.
Leo peeked out between his fingers. "What time is it?"
Donnie glanced at his phone. "Almost four."
"You guys should be asleep." Leo mumbled.
"So should you." Donnie tugged on his arm. "Come on. Let's go back to sleep."
A long, uneasy pause. Leo said, vague and uncertain, "You're not going to ask?"
There was no point in asking when he'd only receive a lie. It was a cold reality, one he couldn't fix, and especially not fix at four in the morning. Plus, "I already know why."
Leo dropped his hands and gave Donnie a pitifully confused look.
Right. Donnie said, "I melded with you, L. I saw what you were seeing."
"Oh." Leo said. "I didn't mean to –"
"I don't want to hear it right now." Donnie spoke over him, because there was just no damn way he accidentally set up two dozen clocks to tick in time. It was honestly an insult of Donnie's intelligence for him to even try that, and Donnie was so sick of the lies. "We're going back to bed, Nardo. Let's go."
Leo glanced at Casey. The kid smiled, lopsided, and volunteered, "I'll clean up in here, don't worry. Get some rest, sensei."
"Yeah." Leo let himself be raised up and trailed behind Donnie back to the bedroom. Before they got back inside with their brothers, Leo tried again, "Listen, D, it's really not what you think."
Donnie didn't want him to get the opportunity to spin his silver tongue, to talk Donnie in circles until he couldn't remember what he was even worried about anymore. It didn't matter this time what Leo said, Donnie knew what he saw.
"Leonardo." Donnie said, tired. "I never should've underestimated your determination to find any way possible to punish yourself."
"That's not what that was." Leo said.
Donnie sighed deeply. He was thinking about all the times they'd sat in the kitchen and Leo had stared at the ticking Garfield clock. That his twin had found a way to torture himself even at fucking breakfast. He didn't know how to help him. He was scared that Leo was beyond help – that they were all so close and so supportive and got him a therapist and a farmhouse and a dog and everything but if Leo wouldn't take it… he could pretend, for Donnie's sake, because Donnie had placed an ultimatum on his head, he'd claimed if me, then you. But that didn't take away all the things inside Leo that he could not change.
"I don't know how to help you." Donnie said, utterly helpless, spreading his hands. "I don't know what else I can do."
"I don't need help. I'm doing fine." Leo denied immediately, thoughtlessly.
"I can't remember the last time you told me the truth." Donnie said, exhausted with it. It was four in the morning. He just discovered an entirely new level of self harm invented by his clever twin in a horror show of misery.
Maybe this would've been a fight, in the past. But they were both so tired.
Donnie offered only thing he had left. "I love you."
And he was forced to witness the worst moment of all, how Leo struggled with that statement. That before the prison dimension, Leo's personal hell was anytime someone he loved was angry with him. But it had shifted, and now it seemed he thrived in that anger, and instead his personal hell was being loved.
Leo said, "I love you too," and Donnie had no idea if he was even aware that he kept his fist against his chest, a quietly signed, 'I'm sorry'.
They climbed back onto their bed with their brothers and neither of them slept for the rest of the night. Donnie stared at the ceiling in despair and could not think how to fix this. When the sun rose, Leo climbed over their brothers and gave Donnie a hug.
It did not make him feel better. If anything, it made everything worse. That sucked. He whispered to his twin, "Can you talk to your therapist today?"
"It's not our day." Leo replied.
Donnie sniffed, thinking about the haunting ticking.
"Yeah, I could, if it'd make you feel better." Leo allowed, after a minute.
"And actually talk to them? About last night?" Donnie prompted, helpless.
"Yeah, I can do that. Relax, D." Leo bonked their heads together.
Donnie wanted to believe him so bad. So, so bad. It burned behind his sternum. He said, low and scared from the experience, "Please?"
"I already said yes." Leo chuckled, fond and indulgent. "Relax. Everything's okay."
Leo did an extra session that morning. Donnie tried to tell the others about the night before while he was in the session, but got roadblocked on his own unwillingness to discuss exactly what Leo saw. But he did mention that Leo was deliberately triggering himself and requested the Garfield clock be taken down in the kitchen.
April did so without complaint, glancing repeatedly at the closed door where Leo was having his emergency session. The room was quiet.
"Does it have something to do with the fact that Leo told me he hurt you?" Raph said, after a bracing inhale.
Donnie tried not to visibly react. He hadn't wanted to talk about this for a reason. He defended, "It wasn't his choice."
"I didn't think it would be." Raph shook his head. "I just mean – if it's relating to that, of course he's going to have a hard time."
Donnie shut his eyes, and he could see the afterimage now too. Blood dripping down the tip of a beloved sword. The cavern of knowledge everyone lacked was so big, and it had been months – Donnie bravely let himself speak, "Prime used Leo's sword on my shell. The tick of the clock sounds like the drip of –" Donnie faltered there, and his voice cracked when he continued, "The drip of my blood off the blade."
If it had felt quiet before, it was dead silent now. So much that he could almost hear the murmur of Leo's voice down the hall. No wiser if his twin was actually accepting the help being laid out before him.
"That's awful." Mikey whispered, horrified.
"If it was just his sword, then he wasn't the one hurting you." April said, confused.
Donnie's stomach lurched, and he felt like he was going to throw up. "No. Leo was telling Raph about something else."
"What else?" Raph prompted.
Donnie shook his head, hugging his arms against his stomach. He said, "It wasn't his choice."
"Donatello." Their father padded around the kitchen table and held his hand. Supportive and close.
"I don't want you to think he hurt me. He didn't. I asked him to, okay? Leo did nothing wrong." Donnie had no idea why the hell Leo had been telling Raph about that, and how their older brother knew that it had happened but not the details. The things that would make it less of an unthinkable situation – Leo hurting Donnie.
"You asked him to?" Mikey echoed, a sad kind of confused. Staring at Donnie across the table.
Donnie glanced down the hall again, somehow feeling as if Leo got the easier conversation. His family would back off if he asked them to. But he didn't want them to think the worst of Leo, especially not now when he was so fragile and needed all their help, and that meant he needed to explain. "We stayed hidden from Prime for most of our time there. But near the end he caught us, and he got the sword, and he used it against me. Then Prime made us choose that either he could hurt me again, or Leo could. And I asked Leo to do it. It wasn't his fault, okay?"
"No one is suggesting it is his fault." Splinter soothed, which was good because judging by the rest of the faces in the room they were not going to be able to help. Splinter rubbed Donnie's shell, right over healing sword slashed scars, and added, "Thank you for sharing that. I am so sorry you had to endure such a decision."
"It wasn't even a decision." Donnie scoffed, defensive and hurt. Wrestling with the guilt of all the times he'd flinched away from Leo when reminded. "As if it mattered to me that it was Leo. I'd rather him than Prime any day."
"But it would matter to Leo." April said, heartbroken.
Donnie faltered. Because that was the real problem. That was the last straw before his twin ended up on his knees begging for Prime to kill him instead. He wondered how much it must've affected Leo to come back home and learn from Casey that in another universe Donnie would die protecting him. It wasn't a good formula.
Everything about this picture was so impossible to imagine they could fix. Donnie's shoulders shook at the memory of the sword, of the spike of pain in his leg, at the knowledge that he could do everything in his power, he could jump into a portal to his death, he could sacrifice his life in another timeline, he could place his twin in front of a therapist – but he could not force Leo to live. They were twins, they were intertwined, they were a binary star system – but they were separate, discrete entities. Donnie was Donnie and Leo was Leo. Close, but not the same. Two wrists side by side, no longer matching. One thriving, one withering away.
Their family remained hushed and haunted by what Donnie told them. But it was old news to him, and he was waiting anxiously for when Leo finished his session.
"Did you talk to him?" Donnie asked, barging in as soon as the voices stopped.
"Of course I did." Leo replied, and it was so hard to tell what the truth was anymore.
"You have to decide you want to live, you know." Donnie asked, blunt and having thought about this way too hard while he waited for the session to finish. "You can't keep pretending. You've gotta do it for you, not doing what you think I want."
"I know that's how that works." Leo replied, almost bemused. And maybe a little sore.
"I'm just saying. We can't hold each other back. You need to get better for you, not me. Right?" Donnie demanded.
Leo blinked at him for a moment. And looked remarkably clear-eyed when he said, "Yeah. I agree."
It should’ve made Donnie feel better. But it didn’t. He had a gut feeling that Leo was taking something completely different away from the conversation, because it boiled down to that fundamental problem — Leo wasn’t listening to him, even if Leo himself felt like he was.
There was nothing Donnie could do. He shuddered an exhale, and dragged his twin back out in the living room with their family. Mikey was creating the softest nest of blankets on the floor, tear-stained face turning towards Leo and opening his arms for a hug immediately.
“What’s the tears for, big guy? I’m fine.” Leo gave Mikey a squeeze.
“Donnie told us about what happened.” Mikey blurted immediately, never one to suffer secrets.
Leo tightened his hold, making Mikey oof with the force of it. He shot Donnie one singular annoyed glare, but that was the extent before he turned back and said, “It was just — a lapse in judgement. I’ve talked it out with my therapist. You guys don’t have to worry.”
There was a sea of worry painted on the faces of his surrounding family. Leo faltered at the sight of it, and turned to bury his face in Mikey’s shoulder, mumbling, “I’m really fine.”
Raph’s heavy footsteps padded over and thudded down beside him, dragging the two into the nest of soft pillows and blankets, an eclectic bunch gathered from every corner of the odd farmhouse. He rumbled, “Except that I know what that feels like, and I can tell you that I'm not fine.”
Leo blinked and hesitantly glanced up from his hiding place. “What are you talking about?”
Donnie felt like his skin was itching, but did not insert himself in between the two brothers currently surrounding Leo. He had to let Leo experience all the love that was trying so hard to win over his self hatred.
“Being forced to hurt someone you love.” Raph reached out and laid his hand on Leo’s throat gently.
Leo’s breath caught, and he stared at his big brother before croaking, “It’s not the same.”
“It’s not?” Raph wondered softly, not moving his hand.
“You were forced to.” Leo whispered.
“So were you.”
Leo reached up and grabbed Raph’s big hand, pulling it away.
Raph searched Leo’s face for a long moment, then said, “It’s more worrying to me that you claim to be fine, because I know how that feels. To hurt someone you love, whether or not it was a choice you made.”
Leo was damp and lost when he said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Mikey turned away and sighed. Raph pulled Leo into a hug and rubbed his shell. He rumbled, “This conversation ain’t about what I want, Leonardo.”
There was a clear question in Leo's eyes that said, what is this conversation about and I’ll give it to you. And more helpless glances were exchanged, because how the hell did they navigate this?
“We all want you to heal, Leo.” Raph stated firmly, and Donnie already felt a crushing dismay, because he knew it wasn’t going to work. Leo didn’t hear what they were saying — he heard ‘do better at pretending to be well.’
“I’m trying.” Leo smiled, plastic. And the spasm on Raph’s face said he was missing Leo’s shy and sweet smile in that moment just as much as Donnie was.
Unable to take another moment of a new and inventive type of torture — watch your twin dissolve in real time! — Donnie joined the hug and they all indulged in the fiction that if they just cuddled Leo enough it might fix things.
But no. As the morning drew forward, Leo laid dull and lifeless and responded only to direct commands. They put movies on and April made popcorn and Leo appeared to be staring at the wall behind the TV instead of the show.
Draxum stopped by in the afternoon. Mikey joined him for the newest treatment for his crackled scars, then switched with Leo for the inspection of his ninpo.
Donnie had been cleared for full use of his ninpo weeks ago. But every visit, he examined Leo and declared he needed more rest. It was beginning to bother Donnie at a deep, fundamental level — because Leo never seemed to care that he couldn’t use his beloved portals. No rants that Draxum wasn’t doing his job properly. He rejoined the pile with a shrug and said, “Need more rest.”
Donnie didn’t believe it. He couldn't believe it, not two months after they’d come home. He got up and pretended he was taking the empty popcorn bowl to the kitchen, trailing after Draxum who’d immediately headed towards Splinter’s room.
Donnie hovered, holding his breath.
“… I don’t know what to say, Lou. There’s nothing wrong with any of his flow points. No mystic blockages.”
Splinter sighed heavily, tired and worried. “Rest will not help. He has lost access to the Hamato ninpo entirely?”
“Judging by his behaviour, he knows this, and he is not surprised.” Draxum reported, grave.
“It is our connection to our family. It is not supposed to be easy to lose. If he does not feel connected…” Splinter trailed off.
“I fear there is little we can do to help him. To put it bluntly, it is all in his head. Leonardo is the one who must reach back out and reconnect.” Draxum reported.
Donnie felt his stomach sink, dread and fear and everything else horrible all at once. The idea that Leo was so lost that he didn’t even have his ninpo, and possibly worst of all, he didn’t care. He just accepted it, with a shrug like of course he was disconnected from the fountain of love that was the Hamato spirit. As if to look at the motto claiming he was not alone and say, actually — I am.
The helplessness was a worse stranglehold than Prime’s claws around his throat, and Donnie felt as if it might kill him just the same. It was laying immobile on the ground, watching his twin beg for Prime to hurt him, banging his hand and screaming for Leo to listen.
Prime was still winning and there was nothing Donnie could do about it.
Chapter 39
Notes:
love is quartz and breath the secondhand
if you let go then that's where time will stand- firefight by jimmy eat world
Chapter Text
Donnie was roused by soft whispering.
He laid still and confused, listening to try and determine what exactly he was hearing. It was at least not nearly as alarming as the eerie reverberated ticking from a few nights ago, but with how on edge Donnie was regarding his twin at the moment, the disruption warranted further investigation. He waited for more information. It was playing dirty a little, to eavesdrop, but Leo was making playing dirty a necessity.
“Look at you. You’re so soft. You’re so lovely. What a good girl. What a sweet girl.” Leo whispered, a stroke of fur and a lazy tail thump against the bed spread.
Ah. Leo was just being unbearably tender towards the dog. Donnie didn’t reveal himself if only because he wanted to hear the sweetness in Leo’s voice. The pureness that only came with Banana nowadays.
“You have no idea how fluffy you are.” Leo mumbled, amused. “You’ve got no idea, just going around being the cutest thing. You could flatten worlds if you put those sweet eyes to good use.”
Donnie suffocated the urge to laugh along with him, because there was nothing like Leo being silly. It ached a distant grief, because he couldn’t remember the last time he heard it.
More stroking of her fur in the quiet. A wiggle as she got closer. The gentle kiss, and Donnie could perfectly picture how Leo loved to kiss her little face, over and over.
Except the next time he whispered, it was a broken and wet voice as he pleaded, “Don’t love me too, girl. It’s not good for you.”
Donnie’s heart broke. He swallowed back the hard lump of emotion in his throat. Banana didn’t understand what he was saying, only squirming closer at his sign of distress and the sound of her licking the tears off his face. Leo gave a broken chuckle. Donnie laid in agony and didn’t say a word.
In the morning, Donnie woke alone and followed the sound of barking to find Leo outside with Banana, leaning against the railing and staring in the direction of the sunrise. There was morning dew on the grass.
“Leo.” Donnie said, after his heart-skip of anxiety over waking without him there.
There was no response. Leo might as well have been not standing on earth at all. Dull and cold eyes not thawed in the slightest by the pink and orange sunrise before him. Not listening.
Donnie was careful to step into his eyeline before touching his arm, not wanting to startle him. Leo didn’t flinch, merely turned towards Donnie and flickered an offering of a smile.
“Good morning.” Donnie said. “You’re up early?”
“Just wanted to see the sunrise.” Leo said.
Donnie glanced back out over the view, thinking that there was a difference between looking at something and seeing it.
“Is there anything you wanted to do today?” Donnie asked, turning his attention instead to Banana’s lazy loop of the yard, paws damp with dew, sniffing his garden flowers.
“You’ve been talking about checking out the library.” Leo said.
Donnie tried not to frown. As if it was in any way a normal proposition for Leo to suggest the fucking library. "I said anything you wanted to do today."
Leo shrugged, as if that was the same thing. "Doesn't matter to me."
Donnie tried not to let the aggravation show on his face. He bumped their shoulders together. That kind of challenge should've had Leo trying to push him back, directly off the patio. Instead he stared in the distance, chin in hand, and didn't react.
They had breakfast with their family once everyone started to get up. Leo sat with Banana on his feet the whole time, reaching down to scratch her head periodically.
Then they had therapy. Donnie was practically twisting himself in knots over Leo, because all the red flags were waving and no matter how many times they'd told Leo he could talk to them, he continued to soldier onwards with a fixed gaze on his own goal.
"The problem is that Leo jumped into the portal with no intention of coming home again afterwards." Donnie said, knees pulled up to his chest, fingers wrapped in a string fidget toy. "Yeah, sure, everything else after that made it all worse. But like. Leo had no intention of surviving. And fundamentally I don't think he's come back from that."
His therapist leaned back in his chair. He said, "Have you ever heard of the three C's?"
"Circuits, calculus, and cartography?"
An amused chuckle. Ten points for Donatello. His therapist said, "If only. No, it's a motto used for the helplessness of dealing with someone close to you who is struggling, in this case specifically with mental illness. The three C's are: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."
Ah. That was much less fun. Donnie swallowed against the lump in his throat. He waved his hand at the camera for permission to continue.
The video feed was static and a patient expression. "There was nothing you did or didn't do that made your brother become depressed. He is suffering from an illness that has nothing to do with you. You did not cause it. There is nothing that you should be doing to try and manipulate his decisions. Leo's choices are his own. You can't control it. And you do not have to spend your life thinking this time will be different, this time he'll listen. You need to focus on your recovery, because you personally cannot cure your brother's depression."
Donnie's eyes stung. He hated this. "I can't give up on him. He could – he could hurt himself worse. He could do something terrible."
His therapist shook his head. "Did I say give up on him?"
"That's what I heard."
"You can love and support him without ruining your own life." His therapist stated, clear and without loopholes.
"But – you don't get it. I'm looking at him and I'm so worried that he's going to – he's going to –" Donnie bit his tongue, because it hurt to think about. "Leo had no intention of surviving when he jumped. And I don't think that's changed. I can't just – stand by and let that happen!"
"I'm not saying don't try to help him. I'm saying you can't think that you will cure him."
"I can't lose him."
"Then get him to talk to a crisis counsellor."
"He won't. He won't admit anything's even wrong."
His therapist ran a hand down his face. "I get your concern. And I get your situation is unique – you're not exactly capable of using all the supports offered by regular society and your brother is putting his absolute best performance into making it seem like nothing's happening. It's definitely not wrong to try and keep him from hurting himself. But keep in mind – Leo's choices are his own. You are not the cause. You can't control what he does or why he does it. You can take steps to assist his recovery but you can't think you are going to cure him or it will drive you insane. Take care of yourself and you will be better suited to take care of him. Does that make sense?"
Donnie felt like he was going to be sick. But very begrudgingly, he nodded.
When the therapy session was over, Donnie stomped upstairs then paused outside their shared bedroom. He knew exactly what he was going to find inside – a twin with a fake claim that he spoke to his therapist and a fake smile.
The helplessness sung before he'd even opened the door. But he thought to himself… there is no secret formula that I'm missing that will fix him. I didn't cause this. I can't control it. I can't cure it.
All he could do was exactly what he did do, which was open the door and immediately go for a hug.
"Oof." Leo curled around him with an indulgent chuckle and clutched Donnie close. "Hi, Cuddlytello. Did you have a rough session?"
Tears stung the corners of Donnie's eyes but did not fall. It was a rough session, but not for the reasons Leo was probably imagining. He didn't respond, just held on. He was so terrified that something was going to happen and then he wouldn't be able to hold him anymore. Everything his therapist said contextualized the helplessness but it didn't change that it fucking sucked.
"You're okay." Leo promised, squeezing. "You'll see. It's all gonna be okay. Is the therapist helping?"
"Yeah." Donnie rasped. Sore. He hated it.
A hand rubbed Donnie's shell. "Good. Good. I'm glad to hear it."
On the bedside table, Leo's phone began to vibrate. Donnie glanced over and saw a selfie with Hueso on the screen. He said, "Your Tío is calling."
"I'll call him back later." Leo didn't move.
Donnie did move. He reached over and answered the call for him, putting it in Leo's hand and untangling from the hold.
Leo rolled his eyes, then said into the phone, "Tío, qué pasa?"
Donnie couldn't quite hear the response from there, but he caught enough scattered words to get that Hueso was checking in on him.
"Talk to him. Go sit in the sun." Donnie said.
Leo mimed a salute and said into the phone, "Yeah, I can for sure."
Donnie hovered just long enough to make sure Leo got outside, laying in the grass and talking to one of his favourite people, then went back inside to seek out someone to help with the itch that came from being separated. He found Mikey and Banana downstairs.
Mikey had borrowed a piece of floor real estate in the rec room, spreading a big canvas piece out. Without sewer walls to graffiti he'd resorted to some new mediums and was having fun with it, using a huge flat tupperware lid covered in different colours all spread out for better paint mixing. So far he'd created a silhouette of each of the four brothers on a rooftop, and was working on outlining them in each of their colours.
Donnie sat beside him, watching his baby brother's hands to see how the shaking had improved. They discussed some different options for compression as he worked.
"Can I put paint on your cheek?" Mikey asked after a while, hovering the paintbrush with a glob of purple on the end.
Donnie considered the offer, weighing the pros and cons of keeping the beaming smile on Mikey's face versus the potential sensory nightmare of paint on skin. He turned his face towards him and held obligingly still. "Only if you are not offended if I need to remove it."
"Do what you need, Donnie D." Mikey stuck his tongue out in concentration, tracing the very tip of the brush in a familiar motion on the apple of Donnie's cheek. He didn't need a mirror to know his baby brother had drawn a heart.
"Thank you." Donnie said, blunt and sincere, then had to lurch forward to intercept Banana. "Woah, not for you."
The border collie turned woeful eyes towards Donnie, disappointed that he didn't let her stick her whole face in a plastic container full of paint.
"Feels okay?" Mikey asked, cleaning the purple off his brush.
"I'll survive." Donnie said, because the paint was a little wet but it was drying already. Banana circled them on the floor and approached again as if she was an entirely different dog who hadn't already been rebuffed.
"Come on, Banana." Mikey giggled and wrangled her around the neck to divert her path from the paint. "She's way too interested but there's no where else I've got enough floor space. Do you mind taking her back upstairs?"
"Can do." Donnie reached for her collar and gently tugged her along. "Come, Chocolate Covered Bananas. I'm sure there is other mischief we can scrounge up."
When he entered the kitchen, Splinter waved him over. "Purple."
"Papa." Donnie acknowledged. The dog bounded over to their dad and jumped to try and get the plate in his hand.
Splinter held it over his head. "Take these strawberries. Share with Blue."
"Yes Papa. Thank you." Donnie helpfully took the plate, raising it further out of Banana's reach. There was a bunch of strawberries cut into perfect quarters. He leaned over and pressed his cheek against his dad's in a mimic of a kiss that left a purple heart imprint.
Splinter was unmoved by the sudden purple addition to his face. "Is Orange still hogging the TV downstairs?"
"I'm sure he'd share." Donnie said, because Mikey had been more focused on his canvas.
Splinter retreated with his own bowl of strawberries into the basement. Donnie swanned away with his spoils to look for his twin, unsure if he was still on the phone with Hueso.
He wasn't. Donnie brought the strawberries outside, letting Banana loose. She immediately beelined for Leo, who was laying in the middle of the grass staring at the sky. His dull gaze was unfocused, even though directly above him three dark birds were circling above him. They flew away as soon as Donnie approached, as Banana had began to bark enthusiastically at them.
"How was Hueso?" Donnie balanced the plate of strawberries directly on Leo's plastron.
Leo was quiet for a moment, eyes up and brow furrowed, then admitted, "It's hard to talk to him."
Donnie tried not to pounce too hard on the rare openness. "Oh?"
Leo shrugged. "He doesn't take my bullshit, I guess."
Reading between the lines, Donnie figured the truth was that Hueso didn't let Leo lie to him. No wonder this conversation was fairly short. Usually he hung out in Hueso's restaurant for hours just talking to him. Donnie plucked a couple strawberries from the bowl and nudged Leo to do the same instead of digging deeper.
Leo obliged, though he didn't put it in his mouth. He said, "You've got something on your cheek."
"Michelangelo." Donnie replied, as if it wouldn't be obvious. Banana darted around excitedly and put her wet pleading eyes towards Leo.
Without thinking, Donnie snapped out and took Leo's wrist before he could feed the dog the strawberry.
"What?" Leo turned his gaze up at him. "I'm just giving her a treat. I've looked it up, she can eat strawberries."
Donnie let go of his wrist. His stomach squirmed. Especially as after he fed the dog, Leo didn't take another for himself. Bony fingers under the sleeve of the hoodie he wore despite the heat.
Maybe if Leo couldn't lie to Hueso, that was who he should be talking to more. Donnie ate most of the fruit their dad lovingly cut up for them. And eventually took his docile twin back inside.
In the evening, after the twins retreated to their room, April appeared with a bag of gummy worms and the tablet. She waggled it enticingly and said, "Gilmore Girls?"
Donnie perked up. He couldn't remember what episode they'd left off on, as that was before hell, but they could always rewatch a couple to get him back up to speed. He pat the space on the bed next to him in invitation.
"Where's Leo?" April asked, hopping over and taking her place.
Leo raised a hand from his pile of blankets against the wall. He was hugging Banana, hood over his head, and snuggled close to the dog. He made no move to see the tablet better as they set up their show and bickered over what episode they last saw.
They demolished the gummy worms. Leo declined to partake and only lasted through an episode and a half before he said, "Alright, that's enough. I'm gonna go see what dad's watching in the rec room. You two can have your sleepover."
Donnie paused the tablet and looked guiltily at his twin. He hadn't wanted to kick him out. "We could watch something else."
"It'll be good for us." Leo gave a lopsided smile. The offering fell weird and floppy between them. "I'll keep Banana with me too, how about."
Donnie's stomach knotted tight. He glanced uncertainly at the tablet. Splinter and Leo always had a much more similar taste in shows, all about the soap operas and betrayals. He'd surely have a better time in the rec room with him. And he'd still have the dog, the one singular thing that he was consistently actually letting underneath all his walls.
"Okay." Donnie said.
Leo's crooked smile widened. "You'll be fine without me. Promise."
"Come back when you get tired." Donnie replied, eyes tracking his posture anxiously.
Leo waved an unconcerned hand over his head, coaxing Banana out the door and shutting it behind him.
Donnie felt knotted up and strange without Leo's drowsing figure on the other side of the mattress. But the show was engaging, and April laughed at Donnie for ages when he tried to claim he was just like Jess because he was a bad boy who reads books.
It was even weirder to fall asleep watching the show, waking multiple times startled and looking for his twin before remembering he'd gone to the rec room. There was a lurking sense of danger that reminded him of being left alone in the cave by himself, and he kept having to remind himself that he wasn't alone, April was right there, and Leo was fine. He was downstairs probably on his fifth consecutive Japanese gameshow. There were no other sounds, no matter what his sleepy brain tried to claim – no ticking clocks in the living room, no crunch of something moving outside the house. He fell in and out of sleep, unsteady, unsure. The panic sat on the back of his tongue, waiting its turn. Eventually he couldn't fall back asleep again because his heart was pounding too hard.
He couldn't take another second. It was so late that it was early, but Donnie had lasted as long as he possibly could without setting eyes on his twin. He felt like he was overreacting. But he also felt like something was wrong.
"Don?" April mumbled, when he pried himself from the tangle of blankets and stumbled to get off the mattress.
"I just – I need –" Donnie struggled to explain. His heart was racing. Something was wrong. He was sure of it. It hadn't felt like this before he went to sleep, something had changed.
"Alright, let's go get him, then." April didn't question, just wrapped a blanket over her shoulders and followed Donnie as he agitatedly paced out of the room. The house was quiet, soft and calm, and Donnie stimmed his hands hard at his sides.
"Everything's okay." April told him, sticking close. "We'll just pop down and see what terrible show he's watching with Splints. We're fine."
Except the rec room was quiet – Donnie could tell even from the top of the stairs. He should've hesitated, as he didn't want to wake Leo if he'd managed to fall asleep – but that wasn't an option at the moment. He needed to set eyes on Leo now.
Banana hopped up to greet them through the dim, tail wagging, and she was –
"April." Donnie said, feeling rather far away. "Turn on the light."
"What?" April said, in a whisper.
"Now."
April turned on the light. It illuminated the room, revealing the first problem, which was that beyond the dog it was devoid of anyone else. Leo's blanket and phone abandoned on the couch.
And two, Banana was covered in red.
"What the…" April mumbled, because despite the fact that it looked rather alarmingly like the dog was smeared with blood, she was standing there with her tail wagging and tongue out.
In the too-early haze, Donnie saw the tiny flecks of orange and blue mixed in the dark red colour, and said, enlightened, "Paint."
"Oh, it's paint." April's shoulders relaxed. She crouched beside the dog and carefully pet a spot not covered in it. "What have you gotten yourself into, little dog?"
Donnie crossed the rec room to the corner where Mikey had left his things. The canvas was set up to dry, but the tupperware lid had doggy footprints and a spot where she had obviously rolled in it, getting Raph-red all over her light underbelly. Red footprints all over the nice rec room.
And standing beside the abandoned blankets on the couch. Donnie felt strange. He said, "Where's Leo?"
April paused her fuss over the dog. She said, unsure, "Maybe with Splinter?"
Predicting patterns. Or perhaps the ridiculous notion of twin-sense. Donnie was feeling a spike of parallels right now that he did not like. "And he just left the dog behind?"
April met his gaze and saw the fear reflected back at him. Donnie had a influx of panic that gave him the sensation that if he did not set eyes on his twin in the next few seconds, the world was going to end. Pure heat and sure terror.
Thundering up the stairs, Donnie didn't care who he woke when he called, "Dad?"
April followed, shutting Banana in the rec room to contain her mess with a whimper at being left behind. Donnie didn't have time for that. He called again, with more fear, "Dad?" only to burst into his father's room and find it empty. He stood in the doorway for a moment, confused and not understanding this piece of the puzzle, until he heard a sleepy reply.
"Purple? What is wrong?" Splinter emerged behind him from the guest room, rubbing his eye and pulling his robe tighter.
"Where's Leo?" Donnie demanded.
"Blue?" Splinter echoed, brow furrowed and reaching out instinctively to soothe the upset child in front of him. "Is he not with you?"
A hysterical pop in the middle of his chest. "No, he said he was going to watch TV with you."
Splinter shook his head. "I have not been downstairs this evening."
From the darkness of the guest room, Draxum looked out. Donnie pointed directly at him and said, "I do not have time for this," before wheeling away to go search the house for his stupid fucking twin brother.
"Donnie?" Raph opening his door to the noise. "What are you shouting about?"
Donnie had lost the ability to reply, shouldering past to check underneath Raph's bed before swinging back out and inviting himself into Mikey's room next. By the time he made it back to the main floor, everyone was awake and no one had seen Leo. April had let Banana out of the basement and was cleaning her paws in the middle of the kitchen hardwood, explaining to the group what they knew so far.
"He's not here?" Splinter guessed, when Donnie came storming back down.
"Do you think he…" Raph began, but didn't finish.
Yes. Donnie thought that exactly, and he couldn't bear another second of existing in this world where he did not know where his twin was and what stupid thing he was doing that Donnie couldn't stop. Couldn't make him listen, couldn't make him see. He snapped, "No one else has seen Leo since he abandoned the Gilmore Girls marathon?"
A chorus of 'no'. Mikey volunteered, quiet, "His swords are still here, he couldn't have gotten far, right?"
Casey in his plaid pajamas slid over to the front window and split the blinds. He said, "Where'd you park your car, April?"
"Oh, he did not." April said, leaving the dog to join the kid at the front and look out the window. She immediately swore.
Donnie had enough. He darted back to his bedroom and get his fucking laptop and open his fucking tracking app and find his fucking twin brother. He carried it back out into the living room to catch Raph saying, "I mean, where would he even go?"
"Back to the city, apparently." Donnie reported, a tiny measure of relief that Leo's tracker was working, even if it put his idiot twin much further away from him than he should've. "Or at least I should say, he's somewhere in the Hidden City. My trackers have their limits in that space."
"Why?" April said, mystified. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Call him." Mikey suggested.
As if Donnie wouldn't have tried that already. "Left his phone here."
"Maybe he went to see Hueso? Call him?"
"No." Casey interrupted, and he'd gone pale as a sheet. "No, he's not at Hueso's. He's at Draxum's lab."
That didn't make any sense. However the way Casey's face had gone absolutely bloodless jolted Donnie to his core, and he knew he wasn't going to like the answer when he said, "Why on earth would Leo go to Draxum's lab?"
"Because that’s where the key is." Casey replied, shaking all over.
Chapter Text
For a moment, Donnie was blissfully ignorant of what Casey meant by 'the key'. It took a too-long beat to remember: the key to the prison dimension. He turned wild eyes to Casey and said, "How do you know?"
"The other day he asked me. He – he said he wanted to make sure it was somewhere safe. So I told him where it was. But – do you think –?" Casey stammered.
Donnie did not think anything, actually. His blood was ice cold, like there was coolant in his veins. Worst case scenario, the end of the world. And they were so far away – Leo had hours of a head start on them.
"He wouldn't." Raph said, but even he had doubt in his voice. "Would he?"
It was a room full of people who had all been witness to the disturbing and worrying behaviours of Leonardo for the last couple months. This was almost inevitable. It hurt that it felt that way. It hurt in so many ways, because – what the hell was Leo doing? Why would he seek out the key to their hell?
"You guys don't seriously think he's – he's what, trying to go back?" Mikey said, voice high and incredulous, wringing his hands.
Denial and acceptance interlocked in Donnie's mind, because of course that was what he was trying to do. It was foolish and misguided and a reattempt at the penance he'd been denied. Donnie could guess a million reasons and he'd probably still miss some ridiculous idea his twin had come up with in that nightmare of a brain he wasn't allowed inside.
"Whatever the reason, he's obviously in distress." April chimed in from the floor where she’d returned to towelling off the dog. "I'm pretty sure what's going on must've been triggered by him seeing Banana all covered in paint."
Donnie had to shut his eyes and blindly reached out to grip the couch, before for a moment the dog was a dead weight on the floor, legs spread out and the sick splash of blood against the cave rock.
"Woah." Raph steadied his side. "You okay?"
"No." Donnie said, because how the fuck would he be okay right now, let alone the sudden reminders. "I agree. That would put him into distress. So regardless of what else he may be doing, we need to get to him fast."
"Even if we broke every speed limit it would still take hours." April said, bluntly factual.
"Yeah, and it's not like we could get Leo to portal us over." Mikey said. "Even if he could, he left his swords here."
Donnie's head snapped up and a little hope sparked. He said, "Where?"
Mikey moved liked he'd been waiting for any opportunity to be useful and retrieved the swords. One perfect and unmarred, the other cracked and healed in purple ninpo. Donnie picked up the kintsugi blade and held it aloft.
"When we got home, you all asked me how I opened the portal from my side, and I didn't really know how to answer." Donnie thought about where he wanted to be. With his twin. "But I could show you, if you like."
Mikey grinned at him, a painful thing. "Hell yeah. Let's go get him."
"Who's coming?" Donnie asked, trying to summon up enough thoughts of the Hidden City to land there.
All hands raised, determined. Then Casey glanced aside and lowered his own, looking guilty, and said, "I can stay with Banana. You guys… you guys bring him back."
There was probably some issue there that needed to be addressed, but now was not the time. Donnie drew from his powerful, sparking battery inside him. Absolutely filled to the brim with how much he loved this family around him. How much he loved the stupid fucking idiot he called a twin. And the sword lit up, bright and waiting, flashing the living room in a flood of blue interspersed with purple cracks, and split a portal right there.
"Quickly now, ladies and gentleman and others, I do not have Leon's control." Donnie was already sweating. None of them were eager for an amateur portal chop and dashed into the mouth of the portal. He took only a moment himself to hope he'd directed them correctly – the vague memories of Draxum's lab hopefully enough to land them in the right place – and stepped into the void.
The chill clung to him, down to his bones, but Donnie shook it off, head already swivelling to gauge his new surroundings. There was a tilt-a-whirl from the spin of portalling, and Leo should've been beside him and teasing him about Vomitello. He pushed down the sensation and said, "Where's the key?"
"Follow me." Draxum swept away, moving with urgency. They'd fallen into the main section of his lab, the lights dim. He guided them through.
Donnie's mind was going in frantic circles. All the reasons and speculations and fears. The sheer anticipation and anxiety of what the key meant, if it was even missing – but of course Casey was a smart kid. And he was right. The supposedly safe container for the key was empty.
And no sign of Leo.
"Split up." Raph ordered, glancing around. "Everyone got their phones? Text if you find him."
Donnie was sprinting away before he could let the panicked thoughts settle. He traced up the path searching every corner, all the worst case scenarios getting louder and louder every moment that Leo was gone with the key.
But how would he activate it?
Donnie glanced up, predicting patterns, remembering the set-up blast into the sky during the invasion and made an educated guess. He abandoned the ground search and pulled the sword off his back, summoning a portal to the roof and stepping through. A swirl of void and cold then –
Silence.
On the edge of the roof, a figure sat, with something small and wooden in his hands. Donnie put the sword on his back and texted the groupchat quick – got him, stand by – before approaching. One foot after another. His mind was completely blank.
"Going somewhere?" Donnie said, when he was close enough to grab Leo if he did something stupid.
Leo didn't flinch. He was staring out over the weird Hidden City sky. Swirling and dark. Eyes desolate and dull and cold.
Donnie carefully lowered himself down beside him. The lab felt like it practically hummed and vibrated through them. The ting of the sword on his back scraping as he sat. He reached over and held Leo's hand, tight. Not going anywhere without him.
"Don't do this." Leo whispered.
"That's my line." Donnie replied.
Silence. Heavy, thick. A stalemate, even if both were playing entirely different games. Deadlocked in place.
"I hurt her." Leo said, after a stretch.
Donnie took a too-long second to realize what he meant, then felt some of the tension relax. Because he could give Leo good news. "You didn't."
"She was – she was – " His face was bloodless and eyes sharpening to a wild something. "I must've – I was asleep, and I had a nightmare, and I don't know what I did but I hurt her – I woke up and she was –"
"Fine, Leo. Banana is fine." Donnie stated, firm. "I can video call Casey right now and show you that she is fine."
"You don't get it. She's – she's the only thing I haven't hurt. The only thing – the only thing I hadn't fucked up. She's innocent, she doesn't know it's a curse to love me. She doesn't know and I hurt her." Leo curled up, the other hand tight against his head, the key banging into his skull as he did so.
"Leonardo." Donnie squeezed. "It was paint."
Leo shook his head.
"Listen to me. It was red paint. She got into Mikey's paints. You didn't touch her." Donnie insisted.
"I shouldn't touch her. I – I shouldn't be near her." Leo trembled. "If I didn't hurt her now, I will later. I can't be near her. Or you. Or anyone."
Donnie eyed the key in his hand. "I disagree with that premise."
Leo gave a crackling laugh. Shattered facades left nothing remaining when he said, "I have to go back."
The words dried up in Donnie's throat.
When Leo blinked, lifeless tears streaked down his face. He was so pale and thin and small, clutching the key with creaking fingers. He continued, wretched, "I am the poison. I'll get you killed. Loving me will get you killed. I can't have that. I can't. I just can't, Tello."
"Are you talking about the future Casey told you about? Because we changed that future, if you remember correctly." Donnie managed. "Give me the key, Leo. Let's talk."
Leo gave no move to hand the key over. Donnie hated that he wasn’t even surprised about that, as a monster of panic roared. But also there was the absolute strangest sense of relief — that they hit a breaking point that Leo could not hide anymore. That if he could get Leo through this, then maybe, just maybe, they’d be able to make progress.
But that was so very far away at this moment. That was eons and light years away.
“What’s the plan here, Nardo?” Donnie coaxed, in the face of no reply. “Are we going back?”
That got a reaction. Leo snapped his gaze at Donnie and breathed, “No.”
“No?” Donnie wondered, keeping his voice light even as his heart thudded so hard it hurt his ribcage. “Could we put the key away then?”
“No, no, you are not — you aren’t — no.”
“I don’t know how many times I gotta teach you this lesson, but if you’re going, then so am I.”
“No — you were getting better. You don’t need me.”
Despite how hard Donnie was gripping to make himself bulletproof in this moment that had such high stakes, that one got through. He felt a crumple, a critical collapse, and he said with force, “Of course I need you.”
“You would be so much better off without me.” Leo replied, pupils small and looking at Donnie but not even seeing him.
This was the root of the argument they’d been having since Donnie made the decision to jump into hell after him. Leo’s choices were his own, but that applied the other way as well. Donnie’s choices were his own, and he would always choose Leo.
“I’d rather be in hell with you than alone here.” Donnie gave a dramatic shrug, gesturing around. Still trying to make his point that he hadn’t been able to hammer in all this time.
“You’re not alone here. You have our family. They love you so much.” Leo shook his head. “And I know you love them too.”
“Then it should really tell you how much I mean it when I say if you open that portal again then I’m right there behind you. Even if it means leaving them.” Donnie did not waver. Not in this. The hang of swirling Hidden City around them. The drop below their feet. The damning key in Leo’s hand. He saw on the ground below them April glancing up, shielding her eyes from the glare, and gestured for her to get out of sight with a hand below their eyeline.
“Why would you go back? Even after what happened?” Leo asked, stretched and thin.
“Especially after what happened.” Donnie affirmed. “Why do you want to go back, L? What would it solve?”
“It’s where I belong.” Leo said, eyes cold and dull and terrible. “He’s the only one who’s ever treated me the way I deserve.”
Donnie really, really had thought he’d reached some maximum capacity of how much Leo could break his heart. But his twin always exceeded expectations. The spike of pain through him was so visceral he had to curl around himself and shudder through a pained breath. “Again, I disagree with that premise. I am a very smart man, my dearest brother, and I think that we know better than Prime on how you deserve to be treated.”
Leo shivered. He clutched the key closer to his chest.
Donnie narrowed in on it and said, “I won’t let you go.”
“Then you have to do it.” Leo moved with his characteristic lightning quickness to shuffle the board — snatching the sword off Donnie’s back and flipping it so he was holding the blade. Offering out the handle to Donnie.
“What the hell are you doing?” Donnie asked, voice shaking with surprise.
“Take it.” Leo said, almost manic, insistent.
“No.” Donnie replied, horrified.
Leo dropped the key so he could grab Donnie’s hand and curl his fingers over the hilt of the sword, a broken hysterical smile on his mouth as he did so. Then he guided the blade to rest against the flesh of his throat.
Donnie didn’t dare move, with how Leo’s hand was keeping the sharp edge in place. The weight of the sword in his hand felt a thousand pounds heavier. His vision tunnelled to just the indent of sword against vulnerable skin.
It was almost insulting -- this sword hummed with Donnie’s ninpo, his love for his family imbedded in the purple cracks — that it would be used this way. Maybe that was the moment Leo lost connection to his own ninpo — when this sword struck Donnie’s shell.
That didn’t even hurt anymore. The scars itched but they’d healed. Donnie looked at Leo’s small, scared eyes, and his twin was still there. Still in hell. Still stuck in that moment of torment forever. Tick. Tick. Tick.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” Donnie said, keeping the attention on him, while in his peripherals he could see Mikey on the other side of the roof.
“Then that makes you better than me.” Leo croaked, not letting the sword move, keeping it pressed tight against his artery. He shut his eyes for a moment, visibly bracing himself. “I’m a monster.”
In a light, soundless snap, one of Mikey’s chains snatched the key from where Leo had discarded it beside him. Donnie didn’t let himself look, but that particular danger was gone.
Just this danger left. “That’s not what I see when I look at you. Let’s put the sword down, okay?”
“You’re wrong.” Leo insisted. Wild. Unmoving.
“I’m never wrong. Come on, you're gonna make me do this? Do you want me to feel how you do right now?”
It pierced the veil. Leo’s grip slackened and Donnie drew the sword away and tossed it aside. Just as swiftly, a chain appeared and snatched that away too. Before Leo could do anything else, Donnie held both his hands and said, “I’ll show you, okay? I can show you what I see.”
Leo’s wild, out of control eyes fixed on him. Donnie reached out in the space between them, the void between their minds, and found a staggering push back. The meld required giving and receiving on both sides.
“Let me show you.” Donnie said, in a whisper, reaching intently, focused. “Please?”
A waver. After a agonized pause, there was weakness and give. Donnie flooded into the liminal space between their minds, staggering under the weight of emotion Leo bore.
‘No.’ Leo tried to withdraw immediately, shuddering. ‘No, I don’t want you to feel that.’ The too-honest draw like a swollen infection.
Donnie gripped their connection tighter. ‘I’ve told you, this feeling isn’t new to me. Please, I want to show you. Just let me show you.’
The dark hallway stretched out. The Hidden City gone, just the two of them and the line of doors. Faded and muted with the impression of screaming from Leo’s side. Endless and tortured.
Donnie opened his own door and held out his hand. 'Come with me.'
Leo hesitated. He glanced behind him, at the frost covered door frame, the shadows clinging to his side, and the incessant noise. He didn’t move.
Donnie didn’t move either, hand stubbornly offered out. It was Leo’s choice. The scared hope was burning off Donnie in waves, visible in this place like a physical entity.
It was impossible, even connected, to parse through the sludge of thoughts and feelings Leo shared in that moment. But after eternity, he took Donnie’s hand. He said, weak, 'What is it you’re showing me?'
'I want to show you the person I love.'
The door opened. Donnie breathed, tugging on Leo's hand and guiding him in. It was too bright for a moment, like looking into the sun.
And then it was as if they were laying on a sandy shore, with the ocean waves rolling, the tide repeatedly washing over them. Soaking them in memories and feelings and sensations, again and again.
Laughter was loud and bright. A constant. The way it bubbled through Donnie's body, fizzy carbonation. How funny his twin was, how easily he made Donnie laugh, and the way Leo would have a pleased little grin whenever he won that laughter.
Tide rolling over. A small body full of too much sensation, feeling the scream bite at his tongue, and thrashing to try and make it all stop – when equally small hands reached out and cover his ears. And blinking through tears, the young Donnie looked at the wide eyed and worried little Leo in front of him, protecting him from the piercing shriek of the fire alarm. Slowing that full meltdown feeling to something muffled and easier to cope with. And how much relief poured over him, reaching up to clutch Leo's hands and fold twice over his ears, the absolute solace that came with being understood, even when it was all so hard to understand himself.
The sheer amount of bottled affection he felt for Leo in that moment – and the current Leo, beside him on the ephemeral shoreline, make a sound like he'd been stepped on in the middle of his chest.
He would be feeling everything Donnie felt. A first class seat. The grip on Donnie's hand tightened almost bruisingly tight. Leo said, almost garbled, 'I don't want to see this.'
'Why not?' Donnie said, softer, almost challenging. 'I'm just letting you see what I see. We haven't even gotten started.'
Salt water soak, the dunk of head underwater. Donnie rolling over in the middle of the night to a pair of watery eyes peeking in his bedroom door, and gesturing Leo in as the thunder roared. And looking too-young with the tears pooling while simultaneously too-old to be scared of thunderstorms, sitting on the edge of Donnie's bed all embarrassed to ask how thunder was created.
And Donnie had teased his brother relentlessly earlier that day for not being able to spell 'Wednesday', in that moment not a single mocking word came to mind. Because he was so touched that Leo had been scared and trusted him to help. With the thing that Donnie did best – knowledge. He happily and readily provided. Leo listened and he stopped crying, though he did get snot on Donnie's pillowcase. Donnie wanted to protect this soft and vulnerable side of Leo he'd been so lucky to see, almost never freely offered.
Hitched breath beside him. The tide rolled again. The drag of water back into the ocean. Memories and feelings. A familiar hand dragging an incoherent and exhausted Donnie away from his project, Leo chattering about something – the words were unimportant, what stuck with Donnie was how insistent the grip was, how careful he set up Donnie's blankets and how gently he pushed him down to sleep. Donnie was annoyed. Donnie had never felt more cared for and safe.
Water in motion. The effortless tag team of two twins stacking Oreos on a sleeping Raph's forehead. Rolling back into the ocean. Swelling up again. The sight of Leo sitting upside down in a bean bag chair, comic in hand, casually repeating a statistic that Donnie had given him in an infodump that he hadn't thought Leo listened to. The tide breathed along with them.
Leo was shaking. Chest hiccupping. As more piled on – late night slushies that tasted like youth and adventure and laughing until his ribs hurt, making up the rules for their own intricate card games, arguing for fun and turning to team up on anyone who asked them to stop fighting, watching Leo perform a flawless magic trick and twisting himself in knots trying to figure out how he did it –
A colder rush of water. The rocky floor of a cave, and Leo's bleeding face before him. Syrupy-sweet concern, slurred with concussion.
Leo had said, "I love hanging out with you."
The emotions roared through Donnie. And now, connected, he could share how he felt with every inch of his existence, that he meant it when he said, "I love hanging out with you too."
The sore hurt when Leo asked, all glowing joy, almost incredulous, "You do?"
"Of course I do. Don't sound so surprised. I wouldn't let just anyone into my lab, you know." The burning affection. His twin. His Leo.
And the best part, the real smile. Shy and sweet. Donnie would level cities for that smile. When was the last time he saw it?
The water faded away. Leo's voice trembled when he said, 'I don't remember that.'
Donnie glanced over at him in the sand. 'You were pretty concussed.'
There was no reply. The distant roar of waves. They stayed very still, laying in the soak of Donnie's emotions.
'Do you see?' Donnie whispered. 'Can you see the brother I love so much?'
Leo shook his head. 'It's not right. You've got it wrong.'
The familiar helplessness was a spike through him. He took a purposeful inhale, trying not to let it stagger him. He tried again, a little pleading, 'That is my twin brother. He makes me laugh. He takes care of me. He loves me. Can you help me save him?'
Leo stared at him. He opened and closed his mouth. Then he stood up, feet in the sand, and dragged Donnie up by the hand he hadn't let go of. He said, voice going hard, 'You've got it wrong. Let me show you what you're really trying to save.'
Donnie followed. Because he'd follow him anywhere. Two sets of footprints in the sand, back-tracking through the blinding light and into the open hallway. Then Leo hesitated, hand on the frosted door handle, before he pushed forward and let Donnie in.
He could see his breath. Frigid cold, a blanketing void from all sides, pressing down on him with pin pricked stars. It was familiar, in the sick way that people grew familiar with a memory when they obsessively ran it through their minds over and over.
Donnie would recognize hell anywhere.
There was no rolling soak – there was a god awful headache, piercing down to his molecular cells, and there was crackles of thunder and of course the absolutely fucking relentless self hatred seeping from every inch of this space. Time stood in place, in hell forever. Tick. Tick. Tick.
This was the inside of Leo's head. Donnie turned to try and find some light in this awful place, but there was only more reaching nothing, and when he finally faced his brother, he'd already gone through several stages of grief.
And then discovered a few more. Leo looked smaller, even with the skeletal thin arms crossed over his chest, and he was tinged blue with the cold. But most alarmingly, his face was dripping blood where his red stripes should've been, and his skin was covered in three-fingered scratches, clawed down over and over and over until there was nothing left but this.
Thunder crackled, and rolled like the tide over them. A shiver ran up Donnie's spine, but he didn't voice his discomfort at the sight before him. Though he did reach out, brow furrowed, and traced the scratches with his own fingers. They matched.
'Come on, D.' Leo's face moved, something painful and complicated. 'You really thought it didn't hurt me to walk away from you?'
Donnie had no idea what he was supposed to do with that. He dropped his hand. He felt the cold clawing through him. The headache pounded. The thunder roared. He swallowed, but didn't speak. This was Leo's domain, and the battering self hatred was making it hard to stand, like his knees were going to give out and he would just collapse in a heap on the floor.
'This is what you want to save?' Leo gestured out, small and shredded to pieces. The thunder added to the conversation, it was a drum thudding repeatedly.
And then it was Leo staring at Donnie's bleeding leg with no idea how he was going to help. It was the image of Prime stamping down on Donnie – only to be mirrored with the moment he'd done the same, staring into Donnie's eyes and thinking, 'I hope you never forgive me for this'. It was a repeated mantra in a warm farmhouse that he hurt his twin he ended the world – and he hurt his twin, he hurt his twin, he hurt his twin – so what the fuck did they mean heal?
Donnie felt it all. He was crying, without knowledge of starting, and let the tears fall. The crush of it was too much. How could Leo even breathe? He tried to inhale and it stammered and broke inside him.
'Don't you get it?' Leo asked, and – and –
Donnie's heart tripped over itself in sheer agony. Leo got on his knees. He threaded his hands together in front of himself, tipping his chin up at Donnie, who took a step back, clutching his assaulting heart.
'Please.' Leo said – no, Leo begged. 'Please. I – I can't. I don't deserve your love. Please don't love me anymore.'
'Stop.' Donnie replied, because it was the only word he could push past his tongue, and it barely was a sound.
'I can't live with – with everything, I need you to – to hurt me, to stop trying to – stop trying to save me. I'm the reason all of this happened. It's my fault. Please, please, please, I hurt everyone, they're so much better off without me, it's – it's safer if I'm – if –' Leo was beginning to sob, but it didn't stop him, hiccupping through the pleads.
'Stop.' Donnie repeated, his own tears choking. It was a little louder this time.
'You have to give up on me. You have to – to let me go.' Leo's mouth wobbled dangerously. 'Please. Please, Donnie. Please hate me. Please.'
It was probably the worst of all, to hear Leo beg for something that would've gutted a younger version of himself – would've killed him. And it still would, really.
The sight of his twin on his knees was too much. The cold, empty gaze in sunken eyes, twin streams of blood like tears pouring down his cheeks. Ice on his fingertips. The scratches on his skin from exactly how tightly Donnie had been holding onto him, and still Leo pulled away, again and again.
Donnie found his voice. It cracked like thunder across the void. He said, 'Stop this. Get up.'
Leo visibly swallowed. Trembling, looking up at Donnie with the worst kind of hope. He said, 'Please give me what I deserve.'
Fine. Fine. Donnie approached, and Leo flinched, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter. Donnie got on his knees right there in front of him, getting right on his level. The thunder echoed, but it didn't matter. He took the only thing he had on him, the purple mask off his own head, and reached out with it to gently clean the blood from Leo's face.
Leo went deathly still. He whispered, 'What are you doing?'
'What does it look like I'm doing?' Donnie whispered back. 'Exactly what you asked for. I'm giving you what you deserve.'
Underneath all that blood, Donnie found his red stripes again. A little smile twigged the corner of his mouth at the sight.
'Leonardo.' Donnie asked, because he didn't know where they were going to go from here, but he knew where he wanted to start. 'Can you answer me a question?'
The crackling cold of his mind swirled around them. Leo was leaning into his soft touch on his face, something vulnerable in his eyes, both of them on their knees in the void. The hesitation and fear that he could feel, because he was entrenched so deeply in Leo's mind. After a moment, Leo answered with a very fragile nod.
Donnie inhaled. He fixed his twin with a steady gaze, and asked, 'Do you love me?'
And the void burst. A crackle, a burst of scorching hot air, and a clean sweep of emotion. It was absolutely and unequivocally more relentless than the persistent self hatred haunting this space. It was pure affection and adoration and familial love.
Leo shut his eyes in resignation, as the feeling poured over both of them, answering the question on a screaming billboard.
All Donnie's limbs energized with the sheer power of it, thawing out the cold, and he could only do one thing, and that was lurch forward to hug Leo. Tight and fierce. And he mumbled, overwhelmed with it, 'I love you too, Leo.'
'You shouldn't.' Leo replied, shattered. Hanging limp in his grip.
'But I do. Cope.'
Leo didn't move. He felt so very small in Donnie's arms, vulnerable. Just like the empty shell after Prime broke him down into tiny pieces on his knees and breathed hell into his mind – Donnie was going to take this renewed fragile state and give him all the love and support he had. Their whole family had. Hopefully they could build up something better for him.
'If you go back, I'm coming with you.' Donnie promised, cradling Leo's head close as he spoke. 'I would die for you. But maybe let's not do that. Maybe take all that love I can feel and you could try living for me instead. Maybe? Does that sound okay?'
It was a lot to ask. Donnie knew it was a lot to ask. Before Leo even opened his mouth, the swim of automatic lies around them, Donnie said into his ear, 'Stop. Wait. Listen to me, okay? I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth, no matter what it is.'
Uncertainty in the air. Cool like a spring breeze. And for the first time in a long time, Donnie could feel that Leo heard him. That he listened to him.
'I don't know if I can do that.' Leo admitted, and it was the truth. Honesty like nectar. Thick.
'Okay.' Donnie agreed, patient. Hugging as tight and faithful as ever. 'I hear you. We'll work on it. For right now, do you think we could go home with our family? Just for right now?'
More of the cool spring breeze. But Donnie could feel how the crushing hug was unravelling the scared and tired thing inside Leo's chest. That he'd bared his soul and Donnie was unmoved from his stance. That there was no where else to go from here, but maybe they could go home. Maybe.
A long pause. Then Leo asked, very softly, 'You'll come with me?'
Donnie clutched him closer. He said, 'Of course.'
It took a few breaths. But Leo nodded, barely there, but there.
Chapter Text
Mikey's hands were shaking.
It wasn't because they hurt – though they did, in an absent way, that even after months of Barry's best salve still gnawed at his nerves when he was idle long enough – but because he had to watch his brothers and wait. He had to look at Leo force his own sword against his throat, the whites of Donnie's eyes terrified and out of depth. The silhouette of them against the swirling Hidden City landscape was burnt into his retina. He was more than happy to snatch the sword out of their reach once Donnie disarmed him. And then Donnie's eyes flashed white, and so did Leo's, and they had to wait.
And Mikey's hands were shaking. Hard, awakening that absent ache.
"I hate that they're so close to the edge." Raph whispered to him, from where they'd set up a respectful distance away.
The two twins were in mirror, hands gripped, heads bowed. They hadn't reacted to any outside stimuli at all. It was a risk to move them – but if something happened in there that freaked Leo out, it would probably be better if they weren't on the edge. "If you can get them both in your arms, just don't dislodge their connection."
Raph glanced back at Splinter, who hadn't torn his eyes away from the twins. Without breaking that intent stare, he nodded, and rasped, "I do not like them so close to the edge either."
Their biggest brother immediately crept over, and gently scooped both twins into an arm each, careful not to loosen their grip on each other. Then he returned to the group, the two curled towards each other like parenthesis. They didn't stir, hands gripped together, bowed close.
Raph was glancing almost frantically between the two, something sick like horror when his gaze landed on Leo.
"What is it?" Mikey asked, heart in his throat, pulsing painfully.
"Leo's so light." Raph's voice cracked, nearly hysterical. "They've always – I've carried them both a hundred times, they're usually about the same, but Leo is…"
Mikey appraised his brother hiding in the large hoodie, how he could see his cheekbones with his head bowed like that, and something cold and hard fisted tight inside him. "But – but I've cooked for him almost everyday. He's been eating."
"I don't know what to tell you, Mikes. He definitely hasn't." Raph whispered, pale and scared.
But that wasn't – that wasn't fair. Mikey had tried so hard, and now – now –
It was just one of many of their problems. The silent battle between minds at the moment, the family anxiously waiting to see the winner. The after-image still stark in his mind of a sword against Leo's throat. Time was standing still.
And then, Mikey felt a light snap, the connection pulling apart, and the twins unfroze. Donnie looked up towards the light, blinking, at the same moment that Leo ducked his face and hid in the shadow.
"Oh." Donnie said, reaching up to curl his fingers on one of Raph's spikes, as if surprised to find himself in the big arms.
Leo shuddered an impossibly long breath, legs drawing up, curling smaller and smaller. There was a soft drip-drip as tears rolled off his cheeks onto his knees. He sniffed quietly, unobtrusive.
Mikey's heart hurt. It was terribly sore, and he didn't know what they were going to do now. They had Leo back, but did they really? Mikey couldn't take another moment and slunk over to join the three, gripping Donnie's arm and Leo's fisted hand each. He wanted to ask what happened, but he didn't want the answer.
Leo's fingers uncurled under his touch and turned to grip Mikey's hand, hard. His shoulders shook with hiccups as his crying increased in silent earnest. Raph gathered the twins closer and nuzzled the top of each of their heads.
A broken sob crackled past Leo's throat. The sound spurred Splinter on, joining their huddle to run a calming thumb along his stripes, humming soft. The crying increased in intensity, ripping through him.
April took the last available inch to clutch at his other hand, squeezing so tight her knuckles strained, grim determination on her face. Leo carefully turned to grip her fingers as well, body trembling with emotion. Gasping for air he couldn't quite catch as the silent crying became very, very loud. Wailing. Punching him, over and over, with the force of it.
Mikey held on as tight as he could without breaking something in either of their hands. Heart wringing like a towel, mouth wobbling with his empathetic desire to join in the devastated cry. He’d never seen Leo this upset before in his entire life. The memory of the cold, lifeless shell that emerged from hell, where Leo laid very still in the med bay and didn’t even flinch as they patched up his wounds.
It was hard, but in the face of Leo actually expressing his pain — as much as it hurt to watch — it was so much better than the alternative.
Though there was a chance that the sobbing might actually hurt him, how he was gasping for air in half-second bursts. Mikey didn’t want to tell him to calm down when he obviously needed this, but it didn’t look like he was getting enough air.
“Hey Leo.” Donnie lurched forward, taking his face in his hands. Fingers framing stripes and wet tears. “I gotta tell you something.”
Leo’s shining red rimmed eyes looked at Donnie, tear stained, trembling and inconsolable.
Donnie sang something. It took Mikey a moment to comprehend the seeming gibberish as the Nyan cat song.
And Leo. His whole body shook and a broken, hysterical laugh burst from his mouth. Sobs and laughter mixing together.
Mikey was quite sure he’d never understand the twins. But it didn’t really matter if he understood — it mattered that Leo’s shoulders were trembling with equal parts tears and laughter, the crack-break down the middle helping him to find his breath and take longer, gasping inhales. Donnie broke off his nonsense song to tip Leo forward and bonk their foreheads together, giving Leo a sure and intense stare.
Leo looked back, still hovering on that primal devastation, mouth twitching and trembling, and he said in a snotty voice, “Yeah, I hear you.”
For a while longer, they held Leo until he stopped crying quite so earnestly, though even with the sobs gone down the tears seemed to endlessly streak down his face with every blink. He didn’t seem to be aware as everyone began to discuss logistics around him — Draxum volunteering to stay behind and resecure the key somewhere better, as well as offering to drive April’s car back when he was finished. Donnie insisted he was good to make a portal back home for everyone else, as Leo stayed in Raph’s arms as his feet were not allowed to touch the ground.
The powerful crying slowed, Leo sagged in his grip, all the energy draining out of his limbs. But he turned his head to watch Donnie use his sword, with that same expression when he'd seen the purple healed cracks – a warm awe. Donatello cutting a portal in the Hidden City and stepping them back home.
Mikey followed close behind Raph, fingers clutching the back of his shirt, and emerged through space in the farmhouse. Just barely scraping morning, the sun clawing up the skyline and splashing on the hardwood floor. And a faintly pink-stained but clean dog waiting, jumping insistently up at the cargo in Raph's arms and whining the moment they appeared.
"Down girl." Raph said, pulling Leo closer.
"No." Leo rasped, and a wavering hand reached out of the hold towards her. "Can I…?"
As if any of them would deny Leo right now if he was expressing an actual want. Raph muttered, "Here," and lumbered over to the couch, not letting Leo go for a moment, and patting the cushion beside him in invitation for Banana to hop up.
The dog did so, barely waiting for the invite, wiggling directly over Raph's legs to flatten Leo with her entire fluffy body, whining loud and rubbing her face against his still-damp one.
"I know." Leo whispered, heart-broken. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay, sweet girl?"
"She's okay." Casey hesitantly leaned over the couch to see them. "It was just paint."
Leo inspected the off-white underside that was stained pink despite the obvious efforts to clean. She ignored him and whined louder, squirming until he wrapped both arms around the dog and squeezed.
"Sorry, Banana." Leo mumbled into her fur, more tears rolling over as he spoke. "I shouldn't have left. I'm sorry."
Insistent whines. Leo pulled back enough to kiss her face, over and over, like he did when he was all soppy and mushy. He mumbled again, "Sorry."
Mikey didn't think the dog really needed apologies. He hovered uncertainly at the edges, unsure what they were going to do now that they were home. Breakfast was probably a good idea, but the idea of walking away from Leo right now hurt. Everyone needed to eat, and Mikey was the obvious cook … but selfishly, he didn't want Leo out of his sight. He'd had the worst wake up call of his life this morning, and the adrenaline wasn't really gone. Mostly because he didn't believe the danger was really gone.
"It's breakfast time." Mikey voiced to Splinter, who was hovering like him, just beyond the bubble on the couch. Donnie and April were having a very serious conversation to the left, though it was obvious that Donnie's orbit was going to circle him back to his twin soon.
"Let me." Splinter placed a hand on Mikey's, squeezing warmly. "Stay with your brothers."
"I'll help." Casey volunteered, awkward.
"Thanks." Mikey was grateful to remain, crawling over to settle beside Raph and pet what he could reach of the dog insistently licking Leo's face. Her sheer energy was her downfall, however, as she grew restless in his arms and wiggled away, immediately distracted by a bird on the railing outside the window.
Leo watched her move with something haunted in his eyes. Mikey volunteered, "She's really fine. You didn't do anything. I'm the one who left the paints downstairs."
The eerie moment of four older siblings glancing at Mikey at once. He raised his hands and said, "Which isn't my fault either, I'm just saying, geez."
Donnie and April abandoned their side conversation to overload the couch. There was a bit of manoeuvring, ending up with Donnie draping himself over Raph's shoulders and April sitting on the floor braced against his legs.
Raph did not seem to mind being the furniture for his entire family, if anything it melted some of the immense tension stringing all his muscles. Especially with Leo in the center of it all, still curled up and sniffing once and a while from the drag of tears.
The quiet shuffled and settled around them. Muffled clanging in the kitchen. Banana's nails clicking as she paced the living room to inspect all windows for birds. April had grabbed one of Mikey's hands and the stroke of her thumb was slowing his heart. He was still shaking, but not as bad as before.
Then Leo spoke, rattling the fragile calm, "What now?"
Mikey wasn't sure which of them would answer. All of them seemed to be holding their breath. If there was a game plan, Mikey didn't know it – all he knew was that considering what just happened, they were going to clutch Leo as close to them as they could until he got sick of them. Because he'd…
Well, what else could he have been doing with the key than trying to go back? Mikey understood that, even if he didn't understand the why.
“If we asked you to have an emergency session with your therapist,” It was, of course, Donnie who broke the ice. “Would you? Answer honestly, Leonardo.”
The last part was probably a little sharper than Mikey would’ve done with such a fragile situation. Leo flinched, curling into Raph’s grip and hiding his face. But after a long pause, he spoke, and he was honest, “I don’t want to talk to them.”
“Just to clarify the statement here, because you don’t want to talk to anyone, or this specific therapist?” Donnie asked, leaning over Raph’s shoulder to prod at Leo’s head.
Another long pause. Leo flashed an eye out from his hiding place towards Donnie, then down towards April on the floor.
“If you lie, I will crawl back into your head and dunk you in the ocean again.” Donnie threatened.
“Donnie.” Raph rumbled. Obviously not knowing what the ocean dunk threat meant either and taking the safe bet with Donnie to assume vicious intent.
“Hush.” Donnie said, not turning his head, focused entirely on his twin.
“Rude.” Leo mumbled. And kept his voice down as he said, “I don’t like that specific therapist.”
“Then why didn’t you say—" April cut herself off and covered her face with her hand, shuddering through a breath. Then she continued, voice normal again, “Okay, Leo. Let’s get you a new therapist then.”
Leo grimaced, then hid his face again.
“No?” April challenged.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” Leo said, voice off.
“We’re done with the lying thing now, actually, do you wanna tell me the truth instead?” April said in a sharp sing-song.
Raph glanced at her, but didn’t dare argue with their oldest sister’s tactics.
Perhaps the sharpest, unrelenting response was the best move, as Leo faltered. “I know you aren’t going to let me not have a therapist, so what does it matter?”
April hummed. She said, “What part of therapy makes it a problem?”
“The part where they don’t know me.” Leo burst out.
“They would know you if you put some effort into talking to them.” Donnie jumped in.
But Leo just looked upset. “That’s not what I mean.”
April signed ‘shut up’ at Donnie, then persisted, “Okay, I’m listening. Tell me what you mean.”
A quiet moment. Leo said slowly, “I know what they want to hear. And they believe it when I say it.”
“Have you considered not lying to them?” Donnie cut in again.
“Donnie!” April said.
At the same moment, Leo cried, “Because that’s not how I work!"
A pause, while Leo heaved for breath, then continued, “Come on, you guys want — want me to just start being honest? I wouldn’t even know how. I’m — I’m trying, I swear I am, but — but I’m not going to be able to suddenly change who I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Mikey couldn’t stand the pain in his voice. It was crushing him.
“Don’t get a therapist then.” Donnie said.
Leo glanced up at Donnie, surprised. April did the same, eyes narrow, but letting him talk.
“Seriously?” Leo’s voice was incredulous. “After I just—“
The room dropped about ten degrees in temperature. Mikey shivered. Leo didn’t finish his sentence.
“You could talk to someone who knows you instead. Someone who you can’t lie to.” Donnie let the sentence be pointed.
Leo laughed, not in a funny way. “No way he’d want to waste his time doing that. Please. And he’s not a therapist!”
“I bet you my limited edition Jupiter Jim number sixty-three that he would want to waste his time doing that. And you appear to hate therapists, so that’s a good thing.”
“Sorry — who are we talking about?” April interjected.
The twins glanced at her in surprise as if remembering not everyone else in the room was on their wavelength at all times. Donnie said, “Leo told me that he can’t lie to Hueso. And I know that you consider him easy to talk to normally, as we have to pry you from Run of the Mill with a crowbar.”
Mikey loved this idea, actually. He covertly pulled out his phone and texted Hueso.
“Still not a therapist.” Leo pointed out.
“Leo in this moment if I felt you would talk to a tree I would take it. We can work on getting a better fitting therapist later. You just need someone to talk to now. Someone you’ll actually talk to.”
Leo was quiet. Mikey’s phone vibrated in his hand and he grinned.
“He’ll do it.” Mikey announced.
“Michelangelo you did not." Leo said, horrified.
“I did.” Mikey offered him the phone so Leo could see the firm, unyielding agreement that Hueso gave.
Leo’s mouth spasmed, emotions fluttering, and then tears began again. He said, weakly, “Fuck,” then covered his face with his hands.
The dismay written all over him was so painful. As if Leo was stomping his feet and demanding, why won’t you let me go?
The group huddled closer around him, and Mikey thought, we wouldn’t know how.
[]
It was almost twenty-eight hours since Donnie had found his twin brother on a roof with the key to hell. And now he was sitting on the bathroom floor.
Leo was hanging his head in the toilet bowl, mouth twisting like he might puke again, and otherwise remaining completely still.
“I girlbossed too close to the sun.” Leo muttered, rather pathetic.
“I thought I was girlboss.” Donnie said without looking up from his phone.
“Hah.” Leo said. He drew his head out of the ceramic bowl and pulled his legs up to hug against his stomach.
Leo had picked at his breakfast without the dog in his lap, Banana no longer allowed anywhere near him as he ate since he'd been secreting her parts of his meals. At lunch Leo had eaten a little, with a determined posture. And now they were occupying the bathroom as that made a reappearance.
“Why haven’t you been eating?” Donnie prodded, watching his miserable figure.
Leo only shrugged, looking away uncomfortably. It was better than the immediate denial that anything was wrong, but it also wasn’t particularly helpful in uncovering what the problem was.
Donnie flexed his hands in tight, irritable motions, and very purposefully exhaled. It wasn't his job to fix Leo. Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. He asked instead, "Why is eating making you sick now?"
"I was trying to prove a point." Leo rested his chin against his own knees, shoulders high. "It backfired."
"If the point was supposed to be that you had a totally normal relationship with eating, then yes, it did." Donnie replied.
"Input actually not helpful, dude." Leo said, dry.
Donnie shut up, because he did want to be helpful, even if he didn't know how. He fidgeted with his phone case and glanced nervously at his twin. There was a pretty big elephant in the room, one that Leo had spent almost three hours on the phone with Hueso yesterday talking about, and an extra thirty minutes this morning. But still. Forgive Donnie for not really trusting that, when Leo had lied about talking to the last therapist for weeks.
It still felt like there was a powder keg in the house, but at least they were all able to acknowledge its existence without Leo denying it outright anymore. April kept her car keys on her. Leo's swords were kept in Splinter's room. And Leo was not to be left alone.
Leo bore these restrictions with more grace than Donnie anticipated, head down and not arguing when he'd been told he had to attend all his meals and at least lay down for eight hours a night. Nothing new, really, but with an edge to it now.
Like the edge of a sword biting into the soft flesh of Leo's throat. Donnie suddenly had to look away from his twin, overwhelmed with emotion and hiding shaking hands behind his back. Hands that Leo had forced to curl around the handle and – damn. Yeah. He could see how Leo had a hard time living with himself after what happened.
A familiar spike of pain through him. And a rather uncomfortable one, as his brain reminded him of the claws around his own throat, and how badly he’d wanted in that moment to just —
Donnie stared down at the floor and let prickling sensations roll over, at the knowledge that he really and truly would’ve jumped into hell again, knowing full well that he probably wouldn’t survive. And there had been no hesitation there. Did that make him any better than Leo?
“Hey.” Leo shuffled forward, ducking his head into Donnie’s sightline and offering a little smile. “You okay? You look like you’ve gone somewhere else.”
Maybe he had. Donnie swallowed and blinked rapidly, trying to come up with a response that worked. He was stuck instead on the tiny, tiny curve of Leo’s mouth. Like the leaf of a flower sprouting through the soil.
“What are you thinking about?” Leo prompted next, when there was no response to the first question.
The answer was ‘dying’ but that seemed a bit much considering the circumstances. He couldn’t, in this moment, give Leo the guilt of what was happening in his head. He couldn’t say ‘if you die then I’m dead too’ because that wasn’t going to keep either of them alive. It would just fuel more blame and more deflection and more toxic entanglement.
He didn’t attempt to lie or deflect. Instead he grabbed Leo’s hands and squeezed, his still shaking, and offered his own tiny smile. Donnie couldn’t let Leo get out of focusing on his own issues with Donnie's again.
Once they vacated the bathroom, Mikey curled up with Leo on the couch to try and curb his sore stomach in a more comfortable position. Donnie quietly left his twin in the security of Mikey’s grip and sought out Raph.
His biggest brother was in his room. April had insisted he take the king sized bed, with lots of pillows and blankets. Raph was gathering clothes into a laundry basket when Donnie knocked and looked in.
“Hey Don.” Raph rumbled, gesturing him in. “Just you?”
“Mikey’s got Leo locked down on the couch.” Donnie reported, with a normal zing of nerves at being separated that he took a deep breath to ease. “Can I talk to you about something?”
Raph set the basket down. “You can talk to me about anything.”
Donnie shut the door. He had no idea how to do this gently, so he didn’t. “I wanted to die.”
Raph wavered and gripped the edge of his desk, paling a few shades.
Donnie tugged obsessively on the end of his sleeves, and gave in to the urge to stim by rocking up and down on his tip toes.
“I…” Raph shook his head like he was dizzy. He seemed a loss for words.
Donnie took pity on him and explained further, “I promised I would tell you if I figured out that I needed help. Though admittedly I had said you would be second to know, but you are actually first because I couldn’t imagine putting this on Leo at this moment for reasons I’m sure I don't need to explain. But yes. I wanted to die. And I was disappointed when I didn’t.”
Raph sat heavily down on the edge of his king size bed. He looked as if he aged about ten years since Donnie walked in the room. Donnie made no move to come closer, still rocking up and down on his toes and fidgeting with his sleeves.
Raph ran a heavy hand down his face and said, “Okay. I got you. Is this something you’ve talked about with your therapist?” Then alarm sparked through Raph’s eyes and he said, “You do like yours, right?”
“I do.” Donnie assured. “However up until this point I have not discussed this particular issue. Most of my attention has been the codependent concern over Leo. I just…”
Donnie trailed off, mouth not summoning the correct words to his mouth. He wasn’t sure why he was telling Raph this, because he knew it would hurt him. And it definitely was — naked ache painted on his big, caring face, hands flexing open and closed at his sides.
“I will discuss it with my therapist.” Donnie confirmed. “I just… wanted you to know.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Raph replied, the cadence rough. “Do you still…?”
Donnie’s mouth spasmed. He wished that were an easier question to answer, that he could state confidently without any caveats or loopholes that he was not thinking that way. “The short answer is no. The long answer is that I don’t know.”
A visible shiver ran down Raph’s spine. A darker dismay. He loosened his tightly clenched fists to open palms and offered in an unbearably soft voice, “Raph’s right here if you wanted me to know the long answer too.”
Donnie stared at him, conflicted. The weight of the memory in his head took up so much space, and he hadn’t even talked to Leo about it — not really, beyond a momentary slip of control to prove a point. It was a crushing pressure on his chest, lurking and wanting to be thought about, over and over. And he didn’t have any way to ease the load.
“I know you’re gonna talk about it with your therapist, and I’m so proud of you for doing that. But if you wanna tell me about it, then I’m here. And then I can give you one of those real tight hugs you like whenever you need it, and you’ll know that I know why. Right?” Raph bargained, reasonably, even though it must’ve been killing him to know that he had another suicidal little brother.
The air felt thin in Donnie’s throat, like he couldn’t breathe. His vision went grey on the edges, just a bit. He said he wanted Raph to know. That meant he had to tell him. That meant he had to pull this relentless memory from his brain, to stretch the taffy-like grip it had on his neurons, and find a way to articulate the inarticulate.
“Hey bud, do you wanna sit?” Raph got up to catch Donnie’s elbow, as he hadn’t even realized his knees were weak and wobbling until the sway had gotten Raph’s attention. The two of them lowered to the carpet of Raph’s room, the familiar wash of sweat and laundry detergent. Donnie was trembling, and he hadn’t even said anything yet. Beyond the broad stroke statement that he wanted to die.
It wasn’t a rock floor under his knees, it was soft carpet. Raph didn’t let go of his elbow but didn’t get any closer either, worriedly watching Donnie’s face.
Donnie wanted to take it back, to protest that now wasn’t the time since Leo had exploded so much more dramatically and dangerously just the day before — but that wasn’t true. They were on separate, distinct healing journeys, and watching Leo’s desperation to die had stirred uncomfortable memories in Donnie that he obviously needed to address, as it was making it very hard to breathe.
That old metaphor — he had to put his own air mask on first before assisting others.
“I think that Prime realized in the first five minutes that I could be used to hurt Leo.” Donnie began, thinking of how Prime had barely touched Leo until the very end. “Leo was the one he was pissed at, and I was just… a tag along come to die. So he always targeted me, just to hurt Leo. And… fine. Whatever. But it meant…”
Donnie trailed off, chilled to the bone. The hyper-realistic image of Prime looming over him, like his brain encoded each individual pixel of reality and burnt it into his metaphorical hard drive. The bite of claws on his throat as he gasped. The unforgettable and completely consuming air hunger that overrode everything else, a primal instinct pulsing through him. How badly it hurt. How fucking badly he didn’t want to feel it again, but he was helpless, he was at Prime’s mercy, and he had none.
“Breathe, Donnie.” Raph reminded quietly, and he hadn't even noticed he was holding his breath. A sharp inhale and a rapid, upset stim of his hands.
“It meant I knew he would kill me without second thought.” Donnie shivered and hugged himself, pressing fingers into the edge of his soft shell under his sweat shirt. He didn’t look at Raph or his agonized face, turning away to stare at a sock under Raph’s bed. “And he… he separated us. And stayed with me. And toyed with me. It was a game to him, to see how long … how long I could go without air.”
Raph inhaled sharp. From the corner of his eye, Donnie saw how Raph’s gaze locked onto his neck. The bruises had healed but he’d never forget how it felt.
“I tried to be brave.” Donnie’s voice cracked and he shut his eyes in shame, continuing on momentum alone, the rock already hurtling down the cliff. “But I couldn’t help it. I’d get so scared and it would all kick in at once, and he’d laugh and I’d squirm until he finally let go.”
Donnie was glad he shut his eyes, because the sound that Raph made was a wounded little thing.
The shivers wracked his body. Donnie took a gulp of air to remind himself that he still could. When he spoke, it hurt like a rock lodged in his sternum, and he said, "I couldn't do anything. He'd cracked through my ninpo like it was nothing. Leo was gone and I knew that no one was coming. He had me pinned down and his claws around my throat and he could s-strangle me as many times as he wanted. And he did. Over, and over, and over."
He paused for air again. Raph was so deathly silent that Donnie carefully peeked a glance at him, heart stammering at the dark shadow over Raph's kind face, eyes desolate and dripping with concern. Absolutely gutted.
But Donnie couldn't stop now, even if he wanted to, the words tripping in their haste to leave his mouth, to evict the cesspool in his mind. He continued, "And I just – I didn't want him to stop anymore. I didn't want the release. I wanted him to kill me. And I was sad when he didn't."
"Donnie – I –" Raph's voice came out strangled himself, and his hands flexed urgently, and the dark expression did not clear. He was looking at Donnie with something rather desperate, reaching towards him in question.
Ah. He wanted a hug. Donnie could do that. He crawled forward and inserted himself in Raph's arms, giving his big brother a tight squeeze around the middle. The returning squeeze was tripled in strength, secure. Strong.
"I don't think you're wrong for that." Raph mumbled, shattered about it. "To not want more pain."
Donnie remembered the pain and had to fight back a wave of nausea at the sheer intensity of it. Fingers twitching in hauntingly familiar air hunger. He buried his face in Raph's shirt and whispered back, "And yet, if Leo was going back, then I'm right there beside him. At the end of the day, all the times I accused him of being a suicidal idiot for jumping into hell – I jumped right in after him. For different reasons, maybe. But the end result is the same. I could've died and it would've been my choice."
Raph shivered and clutched Donnie, roughly pulling him in closer, and muttered, "You're the definition of loyal to a fault, Don. Even a genius needs a character flaw."
Despite the subject matter, Donnie felt his heart lighten, and snuggled into Raphie's safe arms as he said, "I never apologized, did I? I am sorry I did that to you. That I made you lose two brothers instead of one. That maybe if I'd been on the other side with you guys, we could've pulled him out quicker."
"Forget the 'maybe's." Raph grumbled. "If I could fly, I would've been right there too. Yeah, you jumped into a portal with no knowledge that you'd ever leave again. But there's a difference between wanting to die and doing anything to make sure Leo lives. Obviously I'm not thrilled at anything that puts you in mortal danger, but I get it. I do. And it's probably terrible of me to say, but I'm glad that at least one of you doesn't want to be in pain. So I don't think it's wrong to feel like you do, not at all."
Donnie's face burnt. The memory of his weakness tasted sour in his mouth. He said, "It was giving up. I never wanted to give up. But I did."
"You can't let one moment of a completely understandable reaction override the hundreds of moments that you didn't give up. Donnie, hey. Hey."
Donnie had started to cry, but Raph pulled him just far enough away to wipe at his tears with a fragmented smile. His big brother continued, oozing with love, "You dragged our boy home as he fought you the whole way. Prime tried to break your spirit and you came back twice as strong. You did that, over and over and over, moment after moment, until you were back to us. You can't say to be you 'tried to be brave'. Buddy, there's no such thing – because if you're trying, then you already are. You were so brave. You were so, so brave. And I'm so proud of you for surviving that."
Thick, rushing tears poured down his cheeks, too fast for Raph to soothe. Donnie sniffed and hiccupped and leaned into Raph's touch, whole body trembling with emotion. All the moments he didn't give up flashing by just as fast – enduring moment after moment of agony, just for another second, the pain and the hunger and the fear, purple forcefield and purple kintsugi and a purple bandana wrapped in blood –
"You did such a good job, Donatello." Raph told him, voice ragged and solemn, thumbs wiping at his cheeks in tandem to slow the tide of tears. "Thank you for trusting me with this. I am right here with you, and if it ever becomes too much to bear, I will do anything to help you carry it. Just come to me. Okay?"
Donnie was too busy sobbing over being told he'd done a good job, but nodded quick and frantic, and threw himself back into the hug so he could weep into Raph's shoulder. His big brother pressed his chin into the top of Donnie's head, and rocked back and forth as he held him. And after a minute, more tears dripped down and joined the pool, Raph shaking quietly.
"Oh, Raphie." Donnie hiccupped, and hurt his fingers with how tightly he gripped his brother.
Raph sniffed, and said, wet, "You're okay. You're not there anymore. You're with me and you're both safe. You're safe."
Donnie relaxed completely in the hold, both of them dripping tears, with no intention of letting go.
Safe.
Chapter 42
Summary:
enjoy the last donnie pov
final update will be this weekend
Chapter Text
It was a week after Donnie found his twin brother on a rooftop that he woke in the middle of the night to a cut-off cry.
For a moment he laid still, heart racing, trying to piece together if it was a nightmare bleeding into reality or if he'd actually heard that. Then on the other side of the bed, Leo was panting for air and Banana whined, upset.
Donnie rolled over to see Leo sitting up, holding his hand in his lap, shoulders heaving, head hanging. He glanced quick at Donnie and away again, cheeks flaming with colour.
"Are you okay?" Donnie asked, disorientated, because what he'd heard was quite a pained cry before it was muffled.
"I'm…" Leo stopped, breathing hard. Something about his posture was ringing alarm bells. Donnie sat up, rubbing his eyes, trying to wake up and understand what he was seeing. Still too half asleep to comprehend. Leo continued, voice laced with shame, "I'm sorry."
That did not bode well. Donnie's eyes flickered, connecting the cry of pain with the way Leo was very carefully holding his left hand still in his lap. With an obvious blanket of guilt and trepidation, Leo unfurled to reveal what he was hiding.
"Shit." Donnie said, blankly, because his finger was definitely broken.
"I'm sorry." Leo repeated. "That was really stupid. I'm sorry."
Donnie felt the train tracks of his mind shuffling around, making connections. The too-quick breathing. There must've been some trigger, and Leo was obviously still feeling it, despite the shock of pain he'd self-inflicted.
"It's okay." Donnie assured, voice smoothing out. "Hey, it's okay. Take a deep breath with me. And Banana. Banana really wants to help."
She did, little chin on Leo's leg, gazing up at him sorrowfully. She never liked it if any of them were upset or in pain. Leo attempted a trembling inhale.
"We should probably get that set right." Donnie coaxed. "And I'm not confident I could. Do you think we could get Casey to come over?"
Leo shuddered through another breath. He swallowed, covering his hand again, but allowing, "I guess."
Donnie didn't dare get up and leave him alone, grabbing his phone and calling Casey despite him being just upstairs. It rang twice, then a sleepy-but-ready, "Hello? Everything okay?"
"Hello Casey Junior, could you bring what you'd need for a broken finger to our room? Please and thank you." Donnie could be polite for waking the guy up.
"On it." Casey replied, and hung up immediately.
The only sound for a moment was Leo's shaking breath. Banana edged herself closer, gazing up at Leo.
"Nightmare?" Donnie guessed, watching the uneasy tension coiling up Leo's body, as if he was being pulling in opposite directions.
But Leo shook his head. Unfortunate, as that meant his waking thoughts were the problem. He didn't elaborate further before Casey arrived, tapping on the door and leaning in with the first aid kit.
"Hi." Casey whispered. "Good to enter?"
"The floor is yours, medic." Donnie shuffled back to give him room to work. He didn't want to watch and instead convinced Banana to join him out of the way. Then Donnie hugged the dog and tried to tune it out, how Casey counted down from three, a sick crack, and Leo's breath hitched.
By the time Donnie looked up from Banana's soft fur, there was a neat and tidy splint on Leo's finger. Casey had convinced Leo to take some over-the-counter painkillers. Then he folded away the first aid kit and said, "Not too tight?"
"It's fine." Leo said, raspy, then cleared his throat before continuing, "Thanks, Case."
"No problem." Casey glanced at Donnie, and asked, "Anything else?"
Hm. Even Donnie was reading weird vibes here. But unfortunately, yet again, it wasn't the time to confront it. He said, "That's great, thank you."
Casey nodded and left without another word.
The door whispered shut and locked the twins back in their bubble. Donnie stared at his brother and ran through a dozen different ways to approach the situation and couldn't think what to do. Leo sat, shoulders hunched, splinted finger cradled in his lap. He was trembling faintly.
"What do you need?" Donnie asked, eventually, and just had to hope that Leo would give an honest answer. Earlier Leo admitted that Hueso told him that telling the truth was something that got easier the more you did it, and he just needed to practice more. Donnie really wanted him to practice in this moment.
Leo stared with dull eyes at his own hand. Then sniffed, catching his breath and muttering, "It hurts."
"I bet it does." Donnie couldn't imagine that breaking your own finger felt good. "The painkillers should kick in soon."
Another sniff. Leo's cheeks flamed even darker. "I want…" his mutter trailed off before he finished it.
Donnie desperately needed to know what Leo wanted, the existence of his own desires practically a myth at this point. He resisted the urge to climb inside Leo's head and abuse the mind-meld to find out, if only because that trick wouldn't work twice. He didn't want to be locked out. He wanted Leo to tell him.
So he waited, patiently as he could manage, watching the tremble of Leo's shoulders and the flex of his hand in his lap.
Then Leo whispered, "I w-want Dad, please."
Donnie felt like he'd been kicked in the diaphragm, a stutter of breath. "We can make that happen."
Leo immediately got up, wavering. Donnie grabbed his good hand and led the way, like they were five years old and trailing through the lair to wake their dad together. Banana stayed on their heels.
Draxum was firmly back in the Hidden City at the moment, so Donnie did not have to worry about things he wasn't touching with a ten foot pole. Instead they snuck open their father's door and crept inside, ninja-light on their feet.
But not so soft that they didn't wake the master of stealth who raised four sons, especially with the jingle of Banana's collar. Splinter rolled over almost immediately, squinting into the dark, and ventured, "Boys?"
"Hello Papa." Donnie said, guiding the tense Leo closer by the hand, encouraging him to do as they'd always done when they were little – crawling up the bed on either side of their dad.
Splinter obligingly flapped back his big duvet. "Why hello my Purple, hello my Blue. To what do I owe the honour?"
Donnie wiggled under the warm echo chamber of blankets, not letting go of Leo's good hand, joined over Splinter between them. Banana hopped up at the foot of the bed, curling into a little ball. Donnie didn't answer, leaving it open to Leo.
"I'm sorry." Leo's voice crackled, and he hesitantly raised his splinted hand up. "I'm really sorry."
"Oh dear." Splinter said, sad. "Let me see. My poor Blue. Are you in pain?"
Leo nodded with tears in his eyes. Bottom lip wobbling.
Splinter gently pressed a kiss to the top of his hand. "I am so sorry to hear that. Did Casey Junior help you fix that up? Thank you for letting him take care of you."
"It was my fault." Leo said, choked. "I'm sorry. I meant to do it. I meant to. I'm sorry."
Donnie curled closer, sore. It was honesty. He wanted honesty. Even if it hurt.
"You must have been feeling so much. It is so very hard to deal with being so overwhelmed with emotion. I know it must be difficult." Splinter replied, slow and measured and calm.
A shaky exhale on the other side of the bed. Leo nodded a little.
"Are you still feeling like that?" Splinter inquired, no judgment in his voice.
"It's… it's different." Leo said, distressed and ashamed and small.
"Hmm." Splinter gently thumbed Leo's thin wrist, looking rather old in the nighttime dark. "Would you like to talk about what you were thinking?"
Leo immediately shook his head, frantic.
"I understand." Splinter said, and sighed a little. "Oh, sweetness. I know that you know, but it bears repeating as often as possible. We love you and we care about you so, so much."
Leo gave a pained whimper. He ducked his face into the pillows, eyes squeezed shut.
Splinter turned to kiss the side of his head instead. "I know you're in a lot of pain, that you're having a hard time. I am worried for you, my son."
"I'm sorry." Leo murmured, broken.
"Do not apologize for struggling. You are fighting so hard to survive, and you have the whole deck stacked against you. We want to help you. Tonight must've been something that was incredibly painful and overwhelming to result in this. And I bet that was very scary. Can we help you with that?" Splinter coaxed.
"How?" Leo croaked. And Donnie's heart leapt with hope, because that wasn't a 'no'. All the vulnerable parts of him showing, in the dark security of their dad's room in the middle of the night. All the times as little kids crawling in here together, just like this, and their dad would fix it, just like this.
Leo must've wanted the help, because he specifically asked for it. Donnie kept very still and begged over and over in his own head for Leo to accept what was being offered.
"If you feel like that, you could come to us. Your twin. Your tío. Me. Any one of us. We can distract you from those kinds of thoughts or at least be present so you cannot easily engage in harm. Is that something you could consider doing?" Splinter offered, patient and calm and Donnie was so, so glad that someone else was here to help right now.
Leo was quiet for a minute, and eventually turned his face out of the pillow to look at Splinter with red eyes. Welled with tears. He croaked, "I don't know. I don't want to feel like that. But I don't know."
"That's okay." Splinter said, solemn. "It's your choice. But could you humour your dad with a request?"
"Maybe." Leo said, hesitant.
"If you feel like that again, before you act, could you wait an hour?" Splinter asked. "Seeking someone out would be ideal, but I understand it is hard. For now, while we work on getting more stable, all I ask is that you wait a single hour before hurting yourself. Would that be alright?"
Leo's red eyes searched Splinter's face, like he was looking for a trick, and then nodded slow when he saw none.
Splinter's shoulders relaxed, and he said with sticky affection, "Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Now. I have two warm little turtles in my bed, and it is very late. Close your eyes, Leonardo."
"Not little." Donnie grumbled, snuggling closer.
"Very little, Donatello." Splinter turned to kiss his forehead next, and his voice finally wavered when he spoke next, choked, "My twin babies. How lucky I am, to have my twin babies here with me."
Leo sniffed. He shut his eyes and squeezed Donnie's hand, like he suddenly remembered he hadn't let go yet. Donnie squeezed back.
Donnie had no idea how he slept with Splinter's freight train snoring in his ears, but he swum in the warmth and security until sleep was a forgone conclusion.
They slept in. When Donnie woke, Splinter was still there, awake when the twins were not. His gaze was on Leo. Worried and watching as the slider slept on.
Splinter said, without turning, "Good morning, Purple."
"Morning." Donnie rasped and rubbed his eyes. He glanced nervously at the sleeping figure of his brother and said, "Dad?"
"Yes, my son?"
"Is Leo going to be okay?" He felt small and young and asking for reassurance from his father like a child.
Splinter didn't answer for a long minute, eyes flickering pensively over Leo's form, and said, "You two haven't crawled in my bed in years."
"It was what Leo wanted." Donnie said.
A hopeful little smile on Splinter's face, like that's what he hoped to hear. "Then yes. I think he's going to be okay."
When Leo did wake, his brow wrinkled and he squinted to find Donnie and Splinter quietly discussing plans for the rest of the day with Banana wiggling between them, and his face crumpled with something like relief, nuzzling his face into Splinter's shoulder.
"Good morning, Blue." Splinter turned to kiss the top of his head, as the long and thin striped arms circled around their dad and squeezed.
There was a small amount of heartbreaking surprise in Leo's voice when he replied, "Yeah. Good morning."
They got up together, finding their family in the kitchen, Mikey at the stove and positively beaming when he saw them. Even if the smile faltered a little when he caught his gaze on Leo's newly splinted hand. Casey must've said something, because there was no outburst. Merely ushering them to sit and providing coffee.
Banana was given her own breakfast on the other side of the kitchen, tail wagging as she ate. Mikey started omelettes for everyone, as Splinter hovered and assisted with the frying pan when Mikey's hands shook.
Leo was gifted a steaming hot omelette with feta and sun-dried tomatoes, just how he liked it, though you wouldn't be able to tell from the look on his face. It was almost hunted, glancing guilty-quick over at Banana munching her food under the window, over at Donnie once, then down at his plate with a twist to his mouth.
Donnie received a plain cheese omelette. He said, "Ah, thank you kindly, Michelangelo. Now please do sit and eat your own."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm multi-tasking." Mikey waved a hand, shoving another bite of his breakfast in his mouth before returning to the stove and starting Splinter's – only to be shooed away by their father in the same manner.
For a moment, Donnie considered waiting until Leo ate, to try and leverage him like before. But that hadn't actually worked. Leo's choices were his own. So Donnie dug into his omelette while it was hot, still even months later appreciative of how wonderful it was to eat food when he was hungry.
Leo stared at his plate for an uncomfortably long time. Donnie was cheering him on internally, but didn't want to burst the bubble by pointing out his struggle.
Splinter joined them with his own breakfast. Raph came through the kitchen and brought Banana outside with him. Leo cut his omelette into smaller and smaller pieces, not raising any to his mouth, that hunted expression remaining on his face.
Donnie wished he knew what would help him – if there was something he could offer that would make this easier for him. But by the time everyone else had finished eating, Leo's plate was full of a mauled omelette that he hadn't touched.
"Would you like something else?" Mikey asked, strained, but remarkably kind considering he'd lovingly made food for Leo who didn't eat it – who hadn't been eating it for weeks.
"It's okay, Mikes." Leo gave a strained smile in return. "I'm just… not hungry."
Then Leo winced, and glanced away, guilty.
Splinter held his hand over the table, gently getting his attention, and asked, "Even if you are not hungry, you need to eat. Could you have just a few bites?"
Leo took a bracing breath, eyes flickering between all of them, then nodded. "Yeah, of course."
Leo had a bite. Donnie kept his gaze on his phone, so he wouldn't feel watched. It was obvious he struggled, attempting another bite before setting his fork down and breathing unsteadily through his nose. He said, "I'm sorry."
"No, my son. I am sorry that it is so hard for you. Is there anything we could do that would make it easier?"
Leo shrugged, scratching his neck and looking away. He asked in a small voice, "Can I just try again later?"
"Of course." Splinter allowed, and Leo got up immediately.
"I'm just – I'm gonna see if Tío's available, okay?" Leo explained, inching away as it was obvious he was escaping.
"Say hello for us." Splinter said, calm.
Leo left, clutching his splinted hand to his chest. Donnie sighed, fidgeting with his phone case, and hoping that he really did talk to Hueso.
Since he was apparently without his twin, Donnie decided to head downstairs to the rec room if no one else was using it and work on the new polymer he was making. He'd had thoughts of seeing if it might make a viable mouthguard for Leo to sleep with – it would have to be quite unobtrusive for the insomniac to sleep with it in. He waved at Splinter and Mikey, expecting that the basement would be empty this time of day.
It was not. There was a quiet hitch of breath, and a scramble when he opened the door. Donnie paused at the top of the stairs, listening, and found that he recognized that subtle sniff. It was Casey. And he was crying?
Uh oh. Feelings. Donnie felt woefully unqualified for this encounter – but he also felt as if he had pushed what was happening with the kid under the rug a few too many times recently. So he bravely came down the stairs.
Casey was scrubbing at his face with his sleeves, in the endearing way that Leo did too, and said, "I'm sorry, Donatello, I'll get out of your way."
"No need." Donnie plunked himself on the long section of the L-shaped couch facing him. "It is time that we spoke, anyway."
A hundred emotions flashed over Casey's face, and he put something rather brave over all of that, jutting out his chin and saying, "Alright. Let me have it."
Donnie blinked, feeling like he'd already missed a step in the conversation. He wished Leo were there to tell him, but it was fine. He could totally handle this on his own. He said, "Forgive me, I am not the best at social cues. Let you have what?"
Young face streaked with recent tears, eyes red, hands folded together in his lap. Casey said, "Tell me you're gonna kill me if I hurt your twin again. Or, I don't know, let me have it for hurting him so many times. You always said, the whole time I was growing up, that you would destroy anyone who hurt him and grind them into a fine paste. I'm sorry I screwed up so many times, I … I should've known better."
Donnie gave a computing stare for a moment, trying to comprehend what Casey had done wrong and only coming up with the truly helpful moments of diligent assistance. Oh, well, there was the time he'd upset Leo while out for a walk and Donnie threatened him, possibly.
"Is this about making him cry? Because you already told me he's the one who asked you about that. If he doesn't like the answer, that's his own dumb fault for asking about a future that doesn't exist anymore – not yours for telling the truth." Donnie guessed, uneasy.
"No – I mean, yes, that's one of them. But like, come on. I've done nothing but screw up since I got here. I'm the one who told him off and made him jump into the portal. I'm the one who made everything worse when I told him that you died protecting him. I'm the one who – who used that word and triggered you both. And I'm the one who told Leo where the key was and gave him the means to go back. You don't have to – you don't have to pretend, I know you hate me."
Hm. That wasn't ideal. Donnie stared at him for a moment, brow furrowed, unsure how to repair this situation. Casey's mouth twisted and he added, "It's fine – I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for all of that, I'll just – I can go. I can leave."
"Stop." Donnie raised a hand, and pointed back at the couch. "Sit."
Casey sat sharply back down, back straight, chin up. A soldier waiting for the reprimand.
Donnie really wanted Leo right about now. Trying to untangle all of what Casey thought was hard.
"I don't hate you." Donnie opened with, because it honestly hadn't even crossed his mind. Casey was family. Even if Donnie didn't know him before, he could see the echoes of everyone he loved in this kid. Including himself.
"It's okay if you do." Casey chimed in. "I came into your life and screwed everything up. I told Leo that it wasn't about him and he jumped into the portal to prove it."
"That's funny, because I seem to specifically remember you begging him not to do that." Donnie replied.
"It was because of me that he –"
"False." Donnie cut over. "Leo won't do anything he doesn't want to do. You did not ask him to jump in that portal. That was his fool plan, all on his own. I am going to tell you something I am just trying to learn myself. Leo's choices are his own. You did not cause them. Whatever made Leo jump was inside long before you met him. You can't control what he does, with things you did or did not say."
Casey's eyes welled with tears again, held very tightly on the edge, making his gaze wet and miserable. He said, "I still – I triggered you both, I gave him the means–"
"It was an accident." Donnie said, not having even crossed his mind to blame Casey for a second. "And once again, I am not going to fault you with the truth when you had no reason to suspect his intent. You are not trying to hurt anyone. And I reserve my righteous and mighty rage only for someone who is truly deserving. You are not a bad person, Casey Junior. Considering you saved my entire family, I'd say you are a rather good person, actually. I do not hate you."
The tears spilled. Casey said, a little devastated, "Oh," then hid his face in his hands to cry.
Donnie awkwardly shuffled beside him on the couch and pat his back. "There, there."
Casey gave a hysterical little giggle, and looked tearily up at Donnie. "Thank you."
"No, Casey Junior," Donnie smiled. "Thank you."
When Donnie returned to Leo later, his twin was laying on their bed staring at the ceiling, phone beside him.
"I did call Hueso." Leo opened.
"And?" Donnie prompted, sitting on the edge of the mattress.
Leo shrugged, then looked as if he swallowed his tongue. He ventured, uncertain, "It's hard."
"It is hard." Donnie thought of his own therapy sessions. This was more the response he'd been expecting from Leo from the beginning.
"You're really badass, you know that right?" Leo said.
"Well yes, of course." Donnie pretended to preen.
"I'm serious." Leo rolled over and leaned his chin on hand, looking at Donnie with an indulgent smile. "This shit is so hard. You've put a hundred and ten percent effort into getting out of hell. Attending therapy and really trying. Eating at regular times even when you know now what starving feels like. Sleeping even when you have nightmares. Doing things you love even if you get tired or overwhelmed. I know that Raph can almost lift a schoolbus, but I think you might actually be the strongest person I know."
Leo being sentimental towards him was going to make him sob like a baby. Donnie whacked him with a pillow and said in a choked voice, "You can't do this to me. You're doing good too, Leon."
"I wasn't." Leo said bluntly, but softened after a second. "But I want to now. I want to follow you. Thank you for setting such a good example."
It definitely wouldn't be easy. But they could get so much further if Leo was just willing to try. Donnie whacked him with a pillow again only to toss it aside and hug him so tightly it made his chest ache. Leo clung back, the splinted hand resting gently against his softshell, thumbing the scars there.
Donnie had hope, thinking about what Leo had said after hurting himself again, 'I don't want to feel like that'. Hugging him, the world stopped spinning so damn fast for a few minutes, and he felt his breathing sync up in time with his twin.
Later, they set up the barbeque on the back patio. They were making burgers. Donnie sat on the deck chair with April, watching the rotation of who was manning the grill. Banana was convincing everyone present to throw her new toy, dropping the weird fake bird Draxum brought as a gift at anyone's feet. Donnie had tried to decline, as it was slobbery and gross, but her wet and sad eyes were far too convincing.
"Burger or kebab?" Mikey asked, making the rounds.
"Burger." April said.
Donnie made a face. "Kebab."
"I suppose we don't have any pickles." April mused, as she knew that he usually only preferred a burger as a vessel for pickles.
Donnie shook his head, fidgeting with his phone case again. He glanced away. Then remembered Leo saying that he was using Donnie as an example. Maybe instead of Donnie following Leo into hell this time, Leo could follow Donnie into recovery. So he said, "It was a dog."
April's eyes narrowed behind her glasses. She said, "What was?"
Right. Not everyone could follow his effortless train of thought. Donnie elaborated. "It was a dog. In the prison dimension. Some kind of Kraang creature that looked like a dog. Leo killed it, and we ate it."
April stared at him for a long moment that stretched too far. Just at the point that Donnie was going to make an obviously ineffectual claim that he was kidding, she said, "Why on earth did you call that a burger?"
"It was – it was a bit of an inside joke. I had been complaining that I wanted a burger, Leo brought me a burger – it's a whole thing. You know how we are." Donnie babbled, a little nervous.
"Yeah." April said. "Is dinner gonna be a problem? Do you want me to get the boys to change it to all just kebabs?"
"What! No. Of course not. I just. You asked me what we ate. I'm telling you. Don't tell Mikey, he'll cry." Donnie picked at his nails, not looking up.
"Thank you for telling me." April said. "Whether or not that counts as a dog, I'm not sure. But what's important is how you feel about it."
Donnie's mouth twitched. After a long pause, he admitted, "I didn't want to eat it. I wouldn't have. But I was so hungry. I was so, so hungry."
"Gonna touch your hand, bubs." April announced, and gripped his fingers hard over the table. "Then I'm so glad you could eat. And I'm sorry it's something that was upsetting. I'm never gonna think of you differently for what you had to do to survive, if that's what you're worried about. If anything, I've thought about nothing but what a badass you are."
Yet another person. Donnie's mouth twitched, but upwards this time. He said, "I am pretty awesome."
April grinned back at him.
Dinner was called. They gathered on the deck and passed out food. Donnie had a kebab. He sat beside Leo who grabbed a burger, though he only took two bites.
After they ate, Mikey revealed a pack of sparklers. Donnie tried to see how many letters of the periodic elements he could spell in fizzling light before the sparkler dissolved. Mikey traced zig-zag patterns, giggling as Banana chased him around the yard. Raph and April were competing to create the best heart. And Leo sat with the sparkler burning in his fingers, almost down to the tip, watching.
Donnie's heart yanked at the sight. He had to walk away, because he wanted to shake Leo by the shoulders. Instead he joined Mikey and Banana on the grass, picking up her gross toy and throwing it as hard as he could into the growing twilight.
"I would've thought he'd at least spell his name or something." Mikey commented, glancing over at the ruckus of family still on the deck, putting on music and lighting up the fairy lights around the patio. Leo sitting in his chair, twisting the empty husk of a sparkler back and forth between his fingers.
Donnie swallowed against the misplaced grief tightening his throat. Leo was right there. "He still has a long way to go, I think."
"It's hard to compare progress." Mikey knelt down to fetch the toy from Banana's eager mouth and throw it again, to her immediate bolt of flung grass under her paws. "But you've come really far yourself. Compared to the furious Donnie I pulled from hell, it's practically night and day."
Trying to conceptualize it was painful, but he couldn't deny that things had changed. He could reach out and accept touch so much easier, and walk more than ten feet away from his twin without panicking... and then changes like having to attend therapy every other day or avoiding certain triggers. Things that Donatello before-hell never would've considered that were a necessity now.
"Thank you, Michelangelo." Donnie acknowledged, because working on getting better was not easy and it wasn't particularly fun either. But he'd put the work in and he would accept the praise. Banana came around again, panting like she was going to collapse, so Donnie convinced her instead to take a rest and gave her a thorough pet, ruffling her ears. "He's said he's willing to try. We just… we just have to give him more time."
"If he's set his mind to this, then he can do it too." Mikey encouraged, kneeling down and petting Banana as she basked in the affection.
Donnie couldn't help but glance at Leo again, heart in his throat. But it wasn't his fight. He could only work on his own recovery, open up in pieces, and take steps. He had to stride forward and hope Leo was going to follow him.
But ultimately, it was in Leo's hands now.
Chapter 43
Notes:
if you’re the type of person who’s interested in what the author was listening to while writing, this one was ‘who do you love’ by marianas trench on repeat
i have to shoutout once again my L liketheletter, who has been involved in absolutely every step of firefight and deserves so much credit for helping me so much along the way. thank you.
and all of you, thank you so much for reading. and commenting and making art and sharing with friends. it means the absolute world to me. i really hope you enjoy the final chapter.
cheers one last time,
rem
Chapter Text
Leo was cold.
This wasn't really anything new – he'd been feeling cold for. Quite a while now. He couldn't really remember when it started, but he certainly knew it wasn't going away. He felt like he had perpetual goosebumps on his skin. An ice core down his middle, unrelenting and radiating chill.
When Donnie had told everyone what he'd shared in the mind meld, dunking him in an ocean of how much he loved Leo, his other brothers scrambled to ask if they could do the same. Leo had denied the request, then was forced to answer why when he spoke with Hueso later that day.
"I don't know." Leo said, hands over his eyes, laying on his back in bed staring at the dark ceiling. No matter when Leo called, Hueso answered, and always claimed that he had staff for a reason and they could talk as long as he needed, and when had that ever stopped Leo before? Every single time he picked up the phone to call it was a hurdle, because he hated the thought that he was wasting Hueso's time. But at least it motivated him when he did call to actually talk and not just waste his time for no reason.
"You do know." Hueso said, bluntly.
"Well, it sucks." Leo snapped back, then wilted.
Clinking of glasses in the background. Hueso was washing dishes. He said, "Ay, Pepino. Even if you do not allow them to show you, that love will still exist. Even if you don't see it. They want you to see it. To feel it. Isn't that pretty special that you can do that?"
"I won't believe them." Leo said, throat tight. "And then I'll feel even more like shit because they'll give me this gift and I'll still hate myself. I don't want to put them through that."
Hueso hummed in acknowledgement. More clinking. After a long moment, he said, "Maybe isn't about trying to make you stop hating yourself. Maybe they just want you to know. They are offering. You are under no obligation to change anything after what you see. Look at it as an exercise to perhaps counterbalance the ratio of good memories to bad memories. Hm?"
Leo thudded his fist repeatedly against his own forehead, eyes squeezed shut. "I don't know."
"You do know. And stop that, your brain is scrambled enough."
Leo guilty stuttered the motion to a stop, and felt the shame curdle inside him. He exhaled shakily but didn't reply.
"What's our goal?" Hueso prompted.
"Try." Leo ground out from a tight jaw. "Just try."
"Exactly. It doesn't need to have some big result. But denying yourself this feels a lot like punishment, even if you're telling me it's because you're worried you won't believe them and it will hurt them. Cross that bridge when you come to it, because what if it helps?"
Leo snapped back, "Hurting them is not worth what might help me."
"That's ridiculous." Hueso said, with a scoff. "Be reasonable. Think with that brain I know has a lot more capacity for thought than you pretend. You are family. Family hurts each other, all the time. But what makes up for it is how much more you love each other. But you are not giving them a chance to love you. That is unfair."
"Are you sure you're not a therapist? Because you're beginning to sound like one." Leo groaned, trying to disappear into the mattress, remembering the dozens of conversations with the last therapist where he told them exactly what they wanted to hear for an hour every other day.
"Maybe I have been doing some research. But the difference is exactly why you chose me, Pepino. I know you. And I'm not falling for your bullshit. I won't accept your lip service, you have to actually try."
The idea of Hueso reading up on therapy techniques made Leo want to simultaneously call this whole thing off and burst into grateful tears at the same time.
And the thought of letting his brothers dunk him in the ocean like Donnie had, to show him how much they loved him… it was uncomfortable and scary. He knew that trying wasn't meant to be easy, but this was too much for too many reasons. He said, "I'll think about it, okay?"
"Think about it if you must, but take this along in that cramped brain of yours: loving you is not a death sentence." Hueso stated, unyielding and firm.
Leo's stomach did a somersault. "Yes, it is."
"Just because you think that, doesn't mean it's true."
Another somersault. He was going to throw up. He gave a ragged breath, and said, "You can't know what's actually true."
"And my dear Pepino, neither can you. I will not argue logical fallacies in circles with you for hours because you can talk yourself into anything. Your brain will not allow you to see yourself clearly, so if you value my opinion at all, you will consider that I see a brave and clever and sweet young man who deserves all the love in the world. And absolutely no one who loves you is worse off for doing so. Understood?"
Leo tried to answer, but was forced to leave the phone behind as he ran to the bathroom to throw up.
[]
Leo was sitting on the front steps, just underneath the awning, watching sheets of rain pour. He was fidgeting with an unopened umbrella, eyeing the end of the driveway. Donnie had sat with him for a while, but Leo said it was something he wanted to do alone.
Even though his heart was jammed-stuck in the back of his throat, ready for April to return from her trip back to the city. She'd texted a check-in to the groupchat about an hour ago that she was almost back, and now he was waiting.
The Subaru rolled up the dirt road, flecks of mud run all up the sides from the rain. Leo rose, extending the umbrella and stepping out into the downpour. His blue crocs filled with water immediately, but he ignored it, striding over to meet her.
"Aren't you sweet?" April said, gathering her things from the passenger seat and ducking under the umbrella with him. She easily slotted into his side, hopping over puddles to the front steps.
"Before you go inside," Leo asked, lowering the umbrella and shaking the droplets off as he closed it, "Can we talk?"
"Sure." April taking a seat on the steps where he'd been waiting, stretching out her legs and smiling. "A while since it's been just you and me."
"Yeah." Leo took the spot beside her, leaving a respectful distance, and offered out what he'd kept on the steps. A card. "This is for you?"
"Ooo, and it's not even my birthday." April eagerly popped open the envelope and pulled out the cardstock, a plain blue butterfly on the front. Then flipping it open to the inside, with the caption, 'My sincerest apologies.'
And underneath, in pen, Leo had written, 'sorry i was a huge bitch and also stole your car'.
April immediately laughed, setting the card down and wrapping her arms around his neck. "Aw, little brother, you don't even have to apologize. I was never even mad."
The thick acid of shame popped and boiled inside him. "Okay, that can't be true. I treated you like shit multiple times over Donnie. And I did, in fact, steal your car."
"Honestly, more impressed that you didn't get pulled over. Have you ever driven a car before?" April pulled back enough, still clutching his neck, to raise an eyebrow at him.
Leo shrugged, uncomfortable. "It was the middle of the night. Who doesn't make up road rules in the middle of the night anyway?"
"If you got caught on a red light camera, I'm making you pay the ticket." April said, matter of fact. "And I'm not about to be upset with you for protecting Donnie, even against me. I appreciate the acknowledgement that I'm not someone who's out here to hurt Donnie. But I know you know that – an apology is not required because I wasn't angry. Or at least, not at you boo. Just as the world for making you feel like Donnie needed to be protected."
"If you know that I know you didn't deserve it, then an apology is required." Leo said, just wishing that someone would hate him for the things he'd done, at least once. He was pretty sure this time that he deserved it.
"You reacted the way you did because you were hurt. Both of you. And –"
Leo couldn't take it. "Please let me apologize. Just because I didn't mean to, or it was a result of trauma, or whatever just – I shouldn't have hurt you. I'm sorry."
April watched the side of his face for a while. "I would, if I didn't feel like you are using this as a punishment. Nothing you’ve done warrants the way you treat yourself. And I refuse to be a part of your destruction.”
Leo hated this. He turned roughly away, staring out at the relentless rain misting the trees in the distance.
April reached out to take his hand and squeezed. She was so warm, outstripping all the brothers with her human biology of sheer heat.
“At the moment it’s not about what I need from you. I’m doing okay, baby. I’ve been talking a lot with my parents. I’ve got support. Right now we’re all about what you need from us. Because you’re the one in crisis. We all want to help but you gotta let us know what would help. You’re saying you want to try, so try.”
Leo’s brain was a writhing mass, shrieking and uncomfortable. There was no help coming from there. He muttered without turning his head, “I don’t know what trying looks like.”
April hummed, taking Leo’s hand with both of her own and rubbing warmth into it. “Think about it like when you’ve got Donnie upset and he can’t figure out why, right? Identify the needs and fill them. What feels wrong right now and what would make it feel better?”
Everything felt wrong. Leo was wrong. He grimaced and waded through a sea of bad emotions with no end in sight. Nothing would fix him. Nothing would make him feel better. Trapped in hell, cold and hungry and tired. He kept himself there, where he belonged.
April’s hands were so warm it almost stung. The idle ache of it made him glance down, how she methodically rubbed feeling back into his numb hand. Right. Trying. What did that look like? Filling a need. Voicing what would help.
“I’m cold.” Leo said, quietly.
“Yeah, I can feel that.” April raised his hand to her warm cheek. “It’s pretty damp out here. Should we warm up? Would that help?”
Leo felt there was cold, down to the marrow of his bones, since he jumped into hell. He swallowed, and volunteered tentatively, “I’ve been cold for a long time.”
April’s breath hitched. “Oh, Leo. Okay. Let’s fix this. Alright? Come on in with me. Up, up, let’s go.”
Leo followed April inside led by the hand, head ducked, feeling very much like a little kid getting dragged around by their older sister.
“April.” Donnie greeted from the couch, with his eyes narrow and hesitant kind of protective edge, like he couldn’t be sure how their conversation went.
“See, you’re not the only one who does it.” April pointed at Donnie for Leo’s benefit, then added, “It’s time for operation heat lamp, fellas.”
“Ooh!” Mikey said, delighted. “Can I make a blanket fort?”
“I will assist in the structural integrity.” Donnie announced, getting up, though he continued to eye Leo and April. “You two are alright?”
“Yup. Had a great chat. Gonna start an Esty store together now. Come on, Leo, sit in the middle of the floor, they can build the tent around us.”
Leo obeyed robotically, setting up and getting burritoed in a handknit blanket with his sister. She kept warming up his hands, ridiculously careful of the still healing break on the one side. Mikey and Donnie began setting up chairs and fetching sheets.
“What’s the Esty store going to sell?” Mikey prompted, playing into the bit. Or being genuinely curious, it was hard to tell with him sometimes.
April glanced expectantly at Leo. He blinked and tried to think of something witty, a too-long pause in conversation.
Wit failed. Leo went for whimsy instead. “Paper mache turtles.”
April’s face burst into a grin. “Oh, I love that.”
Leo felt something else in the storm. That by trying, even a little bit, he made his sister that happy. He leaned his head on her shoulder and wound his arms around her waist, squeezing.
“We could make them little hats.” April added, giving the side of his head a smooch and settling comfortably into the grip. “We’ll call it Leo and April’s Turtle Emporium. People will come for miles to see our turtles.”
Donnie was pinning a sheet to the ceiling, and said around the tacks in his mouth, “I thought this was an online Etsy store.”
“Well obviously we’re going to get so big that we need to open a stand.” April said, grandiose.
Leo bubbled with foreign warmth. He softly added, “In Times Square.”
“In Times Square!” April agreed.
“What’s in Times Square?” Raph asked, letting himself in from the back door with a wet dog, immediately diverting her path from trying to reach Leo by towelling her off.
“April and Leo’s Turtle Emporium.” Mikey said, super helpful.
“Is it legal to sell turtles if we are turtles? Is that like… turtle trafficking?” Raph asked, ruffling the dog furiously with the towel.
“Not real turtles, my dear Raphael, but paper mache turtles.” Donnie provided.
“With hats.” April said.
“Ooh.” Raph said, and after a beat, “Can I be the mascot?”
“Oh! Oh! Can I be your advertiser? I could make like a huge billboard.” Mikey said.
“Obviously I will be your accountant.” Donnie said, picking up another blanket and draping it directly overtop of Leo and April. It was a steady warm weight.
Leo couldn’t help it. He started to giggle, as how stupidly seriously his family was taking this damn bit. He muffled the laughter into April’s shoulder, unable to stop and nearly getting lightheaded over it. The moment Raph let go of Banana, she darted over and licked his face. Otherwise trapped in blankets and April, he was vulnerable and had to let it happen, snorting when Banana almost stuck her tongue in his nose and laughing louder and more helplessly. Just a tinge of hysterical.
April giggled a little, but hers was a bit damp, and Leo realized she was crying.
“Aw, no.” Leo bonked their heads together. “Don’t cry.”
“I’m not. It’s happy tears.” April bonked their heads back. “Just like to hear you laugh.”
Leo glanced around and realized everyone else had a similar happy, but misty, expression. Donnie in particular was staring at him with intensity, like he might vanish.
“Stop.” Leo said, self conscious, ducking his head. “Are you building me a fort or what? Chop, chop, my peasants.”
“You’ve been spending too much time with Donnie.” April said.
“Offended gasp. Absolutely not, there is no such thing. I am a gift.”
“Hey, Raph, can you bring more sheets?”
“Yeah, got it — Donnie, don’t fall off that ladder.”
“I’m safe. Look how safe I am. I could not …”
Leo shut his eyes, absolutely drowning in warm. His heart slowed. He wasn’t nearly as cold.
[]
Leo’s least favourite part was the meals.
Three times a day, attendance mandatory. Leo wouldn’t know where to begin explaining his fucking problem with eating, because the truth was — the truth was—
God, he was so fucking hungry. He was hungry all the time. And sitting there, with hot delicious food in front of him, he couldn’t eat it.
Though Hueso had asked him if he couldn’t or if he felt he shouldn't.
Leo had no idea. But the carved out feeling inside him was a constant, painful and distracting. He tried getting his mind off the sensation of hunger by reminding himself why — but they took down the Garfield clock in the kitchen.
It was breakfast. Leo was sat at the table, a persistent headache fisted in his skull, trying not to hug his sore stomach. It would give away the truth, that he was hungry, he’d always been hungry. And he understood the logic that the concept of trying would involve eating… but it was so much to ask. They had no idea what they were asking of him.
Leo had no idea either. He’d pushed down and down and down on every feeling and thought, and he had no idea why.
When he'd said that to Hueso, his Tío had sighed, and replied, "Sometimes I feel as if you are most talented at lying to yourself."
Mikey was making cinnamon rolls. With thick icing and doughy pull-apart swirls doused in cinnamon and brown sugar. It was making Leo's mouth water, his stomach cramped and uncomfortable. Hungry.
"Dad, can you get this for me?" Mikey hopped over to Splinter with a can-opener and the peaches he was trying to extract.
"Of course, Orange." Splinter nimbly twisted the can opener for him.
Leo watched, chin in hand, and felt something tangled and weird and jealous. As Mikey poured the peaches into a bowl and asked, again, if Splinter would help him move it to another counter, shaking hands hovering in the air. They were getting better, but he still needed help.
Everyone took their places at the table. Leo gained a steaming hot cinnamon bun, peach slices in syrup, and juicy pieces of maple bacon. It all looked amazing. Leo couldn't stomach the idea of putting any of it in his mouth.
The struggle always made it worse – getting built up in his head to something insurmountable, impossible to cross the barrier he'd created, trapped with the hollow hunger with the food right in front of him. He wanted to eat, on a distinctly primal level, but there was also nothing he mentally wanted less.
At the moment, the best he could do was to not hide – no sleight of hand, no feeding the dog under the table, no quiet vomiting, nothing. Just shamed facedly sitting through every meal and showing everyone that he was a failure.
Leo took a bite of peach slice. It was sweet and a little rubbery. He chewed and felt it expand in his mouth. When he swallowed, his stomach clenched around it. The pressure made it hard to continue. He knew he'd probably feel better if he ate, even a small amount.
He didn't need to call Hueso to hear his Tío in his head, saying in that solemn voice, 'but you don't want to feel better'.
Trying. He was supposed to try. Again, left with the task seeming so abstract, what did that even look like? Leo didn't want to end up so tangled in the pulsing, shrieking pain that he hurt himself again. Everyone looked so upset when he did that. But how did he curb the load before it got too heavy?
The table shuffled. Mikey traded spots with Casey who got up to feed the dog, sitting on Leo's left. He smiled at his brother, eyes flickering to the full plate and faltering just a little.
"Sorry." Leo said, because he was. He was so excruciatingly sorry.
Mikey bit his lip, picked apart his own cinnamon bun into strips. "Is there… is there something you want to eat?"
Leo's stomach turned and rolled. "It's not you, Mikes, I promise. This looks amazing."
The returning stare didn't need words to ask, then why aren't you eating it?
A sigh tore him up from the inside. Leo leaned his chin in his palm and gave Mikey a little smile. "I'm really, really proud of you, you know?"
That startled Mikey, obviously not where he was expecting this to go. "You are?"
"Yeah." Leo's voice crackled, just a bit. He swallowed against the feeling. "You… you can ask for help. You know exactly how and when to reach out. I wish I was like you."
Mikey blinked rapidly, and said, "Oh."
Leo scooted his chair closer to his little brother and bumped their shoulders together. "I know it's been really hard for you, that you're incredibly reliant on your hands, and even though they're getting better you still accept help when you need it. You can articulate what you need and ask for it. That's a really admirable skill. One that I want to do better."
“I’m glad to hear that.” Mikey said. “We could work on it right now, if you’d like. How can I help you have breakfast?”
Helplessness bubbled inside him. “I don’t know.”
Except he did know. He grimaced, because he was lying to himself and he was lying to Mikey and that wasn’t trying.
“I’ll do whatever.” Mikey said, the easy-going demeanor hiding the desperation for Leo to eat. “If there’s something that’ll make it easier.”
Around them, everyone else had finished eating. They were getting up and cleaning dishes. Even Donnie on his right was absorbed in a conversation with April about snakes, plate empty.
Leo shut his eyes for a moment, then said, “Could you…”
Panic choked him. He couldn’t voice it.
“I can.” Mikey agreed.
“You don’t even know what it is.” Leo said, weakly.
“And yet, I agree. If it will help you, even the slightest bit, then I’ll do it.”
Mikey met his gaze with something fierce and determined. Strong willed. Absolute. And brimming with the innocent desire to help.
Leo wanted to be more like Mikey. To say, help me pick this up, help me with this can opener, to say —
“Stay with me?” Leo asked, whisper soft.
Mikey nodded, brow furrowed. “That’s it? Yeah, of course.”
Leo’s face burnt. “Just like. You can do other things. Hang out. But… don’t leave until I’m done. If that’s okay.”
“So you don’t mind if I clean up?” Mikey confirmed. “Is it better if I’m not watching?”
Better was a relative term — not watching meant more of an urge to find a way to vanish the food instead of eating it. But being watched sucked equally bad. “I’m not sure.”
“Can I talk to you about how the eating is going while we hang out?” Mikey clarified. “Or are we just gonna ignore it?”
“You can talk about it.” Leo said, uncomfortable but knowing ignoring it meant he’d just sit there until the next literal meal if he could.
“You got it, baby.” Mikey gave a snap and finger guns, hopping up to start a sink of suds for the pots and pans when the others loaded the dishwasher.
Including Donnie, who frowned at Leo’s plate after clearing his own. He glanced back to April and to Leo again, before asking, “You’re not done, right?”
“I’m not done.” Leo confirmed. He’d had one tiny bite of peach.
“You can go hang with April, D.” Mikey said over his shoulder. “Leo and I already have a game plan. I’m gonna hang out with him while he eats.”
Donnie’s face flashed with a small guilt. “I can stay too, if that’ll help.”
"I don't need more people wasting their morning waiting for me to eat." Leo said, dry. He knew what Donnie was thinking, that he’d missed something he should’ve helped with. The way he wrung his hands spoke that he wanted to help without leaning too far into their codependency.
Donnie hovered, unsure, glancing between them. Leo sighed and opened his arms for a hug, squishing his twin tightly. The upset thing inside him quieted, when Donnie redoubled the strength of the hug ten fold.
“You can sit with me next time. If it works.” Leo whispered.
Donnie nodded. Fingers tightening. He didn’t let go yet. That was okay, Leo didn’t want him to.
Multiple times a day Leo would get hit with this wave of relief that Donnie survived. Just getting to hold him was so helpful to the maggots in his brain trying to replay the moments he was so convinced he was going to lose him, that it was all his fault.
But he didn’t. Donnie was right here and he was doing so good. When he released, he still wrung his hands, but left Mikey and Leo alone in the kitchen.
The cinnamon bun wasn’t hot anymore. The icing had solidified. He picked at an edge, trying to imagine himself eating and failing. Mikey washed the dishes with a soapy clatter, humming a song.
The temptation to just sit there until the next meal was tempting, to lose by simply passing the time long enough that breakfast was completely over. But Leo was meant to be trying. He took a bite of cinnamon bun. Even cold, it was delicious. He couldn’t picture taking another bite. This was going to take forever.
“How did you do it?” Leo asked, feeling like a kid trapped at the table until they finished their dinner. Though it was at his own request. Why did he think this would help?
Mikey drained the sink and brought his coffee mug over to sit beside him. “How’d I do what?”
“Asking for help is one thing but like, actually doing it is another.”
“That’s true.” Mikey said, tracing the lip of his mug and watching Leo with a sad expression. “We could talk about what’s making you not want to eat, if you want.”
“I don’t want you to be Dr Feelings. You shouldn’t have to be your brother's therapist.” Leo shook his head.
“I won’t. I’ll just listen. I promise.”
Leo sighed. He picked up a piece of bacon and imagined himself eating it. There was such a huge disconnect.
He wanted to claim that he didn’t know why. But he was supposed to be trying the truth thing. Not lying. To everyone, including himself. It would get better with practice. This concept of trying. This healing thing was so hard, it was so hard all the damn time. Donnie really was the strongest person he knew since he was so much fucking better at this.
“I’m hungry.” Leo admitted, quietly. “But there’s a roadblock. Every time I try to eat. Like someone’s blaring an air horn in my ear. I can’t get past it.”
Mikey’s brow furrowed. He nodded a little, encouraging.
If anything Leo really wanted Mikey to understand it wasn’t his food that he’d poured love into that was the problem, it was him. So he kept going. “That I … I shouldn’t be eating. I don’t. Um. Deserve it.”
“Aw.” Mikey said, pained. “Yeah, I could see why that would make it hard. So every bite you’re like, fighting this huge villain. But that also means every single time you take a bite you’re beating his ass.”
“I thought you weren’t giving advice.” Leo said, wry.
Mikey raised his hands, wrapped in compression bandages. “Not advice, just an observation.”
Leo examined the bacon again. He wondered if the villain Mikey was referring to was Prime or Leo himself.
The hunger snapped angrily at his heels. A wave of self disgust at the thought of consuming. The sirens wailed in his head.
“Maybe you should scream back.” Mikey said.
Leo glanced at him. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. If there’s an air horn or whatever you said, maybe you should scream back louder.”
Leo snorted. “I thought we weren’t doing therapeutic advice, big guy.”
“That’s not therapeutic advice, it’s little brother advice. You guys always said to me growing up, if someone’s not listening to what I need, yell it louder until I get it. Your brain isn’t listening to what you need, so you’ve gotta be louder.”
It was unfortunately rather good advice. He should’ve figured there was no way Mikey would only listen. Too bad they spoiled the kid rotten and he always got what he wanted — including this. Leo indulging him. “And what do I yell back?”
“This food is for you.” Mikey gestured at the plate. “No one else. If you don’t eat it, I will put it in the garbage. And going into your body is far more deserved than the garbage can.”
Leo’s stomach still turned at the thought. He didn’t hide the grimace. It hit on the head how this issue started — that when they were in hell, there was so little food that he obviously gave it to Donnie. But there was tons of food here. And this plate was for him. There was more than enough food for everyone in this house.
“I know you don’t believe it, but you deserve to eat.” Mikey added, quieter. “If you can’t imagine your voice, use mine. I can yell really loud.”
“I know.” Leo said, smiling fondly through memories of his loud, opinionated voice more than enough.
He cracked the bacon into a few pieces. He instinctively glanced around to see if Banana was nearby then curdled with shame. He could secret it into his pocket to throw away later. He was so good at sleight of hand, Mikey wouldn’t even notice.
But that wasn’t the point. Leo looked at the bacon and thought, this food is for me, not the garbage.
He couldn’t quite manage to get his own mental voice to scream, but it was true — he could imagine Mikey's quite easily. Little brother with his hands in the air, yelling at top volume, YOU DESERVE TO EAT!!
Leo put the bacon in his mouth and chewed. Swallowed. The hunger snapped and reached up and begged. He breathed through his nose and consciously chose not to ignore it. He took another bite.
“Hell yeah.” Mikey whispered, proud and pleased. Leo’s face flushed, but it wasn’t a bad thing.
Mikey sat with him for almost three hours until he ate as much as he could comfortably stomach, not letting him leave to avoid eating or vanish into the bathroom, keeping up a running commentary. Leo finished the peaches and half the cinnamon bun and a piece of bacon. It tasted amazing. He made sure to tell Mikey that.
[]
Before they'd even reached the rocks, Leo watched Donnie peel away from the group and dive into the lake, Banana right on his heels. A satisfying splash.
Leo took his usual spot on the shore on the large watermelon patterned towel. Everyone around him shed layers to head in the water too, digging in the cooler and setting up a Bluetooth speaker with some music.
Except for Raph, who took the spot beside Leo. "I think your shell would be fine if you wanted to go in this time."
Leo huffed, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the sun and look out over the water at the little bobbing softshell paddling out to touch the red buoy. He didn't reply.
"What's that?" Raph jostled their shoulders together, leaning around Leo to cut off his sight of the water. "Speak up, or Raph'll dunk you in the lake himself."
It earned a grimace on Leo's face. The real answer wasn't one that was going to fly, so he didn't want to say it. Especially since he already knew the exact rebuttal he'd receive, because it was the same he'd gotten for the eating thing.
"My shell is probably fine." Leo had actively avoided seeing it, actually, but with how long it had been since the crack and Casey's gentle ministrations, it had definitely healed by now. "It's just… more complicated than that."
Some quiet, lapping water against the rocks, spotted clouds in the periwinkle sky, a fluttering breeze. Their family waded into the lake, April kicking water at Casey complaining of the cold, Mikey trying to race Donnie to the buoy and losing, Splinter playing fetch with Banana into the swim.
"Mikey said you don't think you deserve to eat." Raph said, in faux-calm. "Is it like that?"
Leo shut his eyes, allowing the shame to brush over him like the breeze, though it burnt his cheeks. He said, uncomfortable, "Something like that. Yeah."
"If you don't deserve it, then neither do I." Raph replied.
"Raph…" Leo complained, because it didn't work like that, no matter how many times it was turned around on him. It wasn't the same.
"Nah, we're good. We'll just hang out here then." Raph leaned back on his hands. "I know you and Don are twins, but you and I are cut from the same cloth too, you know. Take on a heightened sense of responsibility for the world. Big hero moves when it counts. And the worst way to hurt us would be to make us hurt someone we love."
Leo turned away from Raph, looking out over the lake, jaw flexing hard. He didn't want to have this conversation, because Raph was going to pry and pry and pry until he got what he wanted. Obviously he'd already been sharing notes with Mikey.
"You're never going to make me feel different about hurting Donnie." Leo said, tight and stubborn.
"Probably not." Raph agreed, prompt. "I mean, I get it. I have a real hard time with remembering trying to kill you. Especially since they were in my head, man. They could make you feel like it was what you really wanted to do."
Leo glanced over at Raph, surprised, brow tight together. He didn't know that. "That's awful."
"It makes me feel like there's something in me that's secretly a terrible person. That there's some part of me deep down that I never knew that wants to hurt you guys and I'm scared of it emerging." Raph said, eyes far away, picking at a thread on the watermelon towel.
A painful lump stuck in Leo's throat. "Raphie, come on. You could never hurt us. Not even if you tried."
"I know that. But I don't feel that. I feel scared, scared of myself, scared of what I could do. What I could be made to do against you." Raph shook his head, sounding haunted.
Leo never liked Raph to be upset, it was like the world was suddenly on rocky foundations. He hugged Raph's big bicep with both his own arms and squeezed.
And… he got it. Because there was not much he could say that would take away how Raph felt, when they knew the truth. Instead all he could offer was a soft, "Well. You still make me feel safe. So."
Raph inhaled, sharper, and grabbed one of Leo's hands to squeeze. He said, "Thanks, bud. It's your turn."
"Is that what we're doing?" Leo said, fake-lightly, as if he hadn't clocked immediately what Raph was trying to do. He sighed, not moving from his cling of Raph's arm, and added, "I dunno. It's not the same."
"Of course it's not the same. I'm me and you're you. All I did was talk about how it made me feel. That's all I'm askin' you."
"It won't change anything." Leo felt like it was banging his head against the wall to remind his brothers again that they weren't his therapist, so he didn't bother. Seemed they were all determined to try anyway. It was such a shame their dad had only ever encouraged them to be incorrigible and strong willed.
"Then it shouldn't hurt to try, will it?"
Everyone tried to talk him in circles, as if he hadn't already run the conversations through his head with every possible outcome before they'd even started. He could see their games and attempts to get him to open up and heal and blah blah blah… wasn't it exhausting?
"I don't know what you want me to say." Leo tried again, with little hope.
Raph was a brick wall. "Yeah, you do."
Stupid brothers. Leo sighed again, louder and more annoyed, and let go of Raph so he could flop back and look at the sky instead. The sun hurt, stabbing a growing headache of post-concussion fun, so he irritably tugged the edge of his mask so it covered his eyes instead. To the sudden darkness, he spoke again, "Really, it's not going to be anything you want to hear. I hate myself for hurting him. I hate myself that he jumped into hell with no hesitation just to follow me. I hate myself that I couldn't make it easier for him in there. I hate myself for making you guys worry on this side of things. That's it."
Raph flopped down next to him, giving a pensive hum. "That's it? Really?"
"Really." Leo had eaten some blueberries earlier, handpicked by Donnie and shoved insistently in his face until he had some, and they were threatening to make a resurgence.
"No other emotions at all. None."
Leo shrugged. "Does it matter?"
"I'm asking because it does. That's what we’re doing here. I told you I was scared. Were you scared?"
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Leo tipped his chin up to breathe, a gasping and shuddering inhale. A sudden relentless pierce of fear, the memory so thick and sudden it blindsided him. He rolled over to hug his stomach, desperately trying not to puke, yanking the mask off his eyes so he could see he wasn't in the prison dimension. Gasping for air.
"Beside ya, Leo." Raph said, then a big hand rubbed his neck reassuringly. "You're okay. You're alright. Raph's got you."
Leo's mouth flooded with panicked saliva, stomach twisting in opposite directions, but he held onto those blueberries by sheer force of will. And gasped out the comically obvious, "Yeah. I was scared."
"Yeah?" Raph said, thumbing circles on his neck, staying close.
Leo swallowed hard, chest heaving, and leaned over to press his forehead to his own knees. Curling up in a small ball. "I thought – I thought he was going to kill Donnie. And I swear I've never been so scared. And I keep – I feel like I'm still on edge, waiting for the thing about me that'll get him killed. Get any of you killed. And I'm still so scared that I'll be the reason. Prime was only hurting him because I was there. And he made me hurt him."
Raph hummed, keeping up his gentle motion as Leo pulled himself back together. Once he did, Raph said, "Donnie still trusts you. I still trust you. We all still trust you."
Leo hesitantly looked up to meet his eye. The returning gaze was absolute and true. It was almost impossible to think – after let alone everything that happened in hell, but with how stupidly self destructive he'd been since he got home – but no. Raph stared back in complete absolution.
"Oh." Leo said, and couldn't help but reach up to hug Raph, arms around his neck and holding on. His big brother immediately cradled him close, nuzzling the top of his head, and squeezed. Honesty felt like standing too close to a bonfire. Painful and blazing hot. But it was melting his frozen core.
The little Mikey standing in his brain was joined by his big brother, and together they yelled YOU DESERVE NICE THINGS.
He didn't dare move, drinking in the warmth and security for a long time. Raph held him like he had absolutely no where else to be. But eventually, the sun was hot, and there was a cool body of water right there.
"Come on." Leo mumbled, untangling enough to take Raph's hand and tug him to his feet. "Last one in the water's a rotten egg."
"You're on." Raph replied, and did the big brother cheat of tugging Leo in the wrong direction to counter-balance him then sprinting to shore.
Leo darted off after him, both crashing into the water at the same time. It was blissfully cool, washing away the summer heat in an instant.
The figure of Donnie immediately swum towards them, colliding with Leo with his head barely above the water to smush them in a hug.
"Hiya, Tello." Leo said, pleased to join his twin in his favourite activity, smiling down at him a little shy and a little sweet.
Donnie gasped, stars in his eyes, and let go of Leo specifically to happy-stim. Leo didn't quite understand why, and turned that same smile to Raph to share in the joy of a happy Donnie.
Though Raph's reaction was to merely grin back at him, absolutely full force, like Leo had personally hung the sun for him.
"You guys are weird." Leo said, giving a small laugh, and tried to dunk Donnie's head underwater instead.
[]
Leo was pretty sure Banana would walk until her legs fell off.
She never seemed to tire of it, darting back and forth to inspect the best possible smells, ears bouncing in time, tongue hanging out. If Leo slowed too much she'd glance back over her shoulder like, come on, you're so slow and human with the inferior number of legs.
Maybe Leo assigned Banana an internal monologue that sounded a bit like if Donnie was a dog. It amused him.
Casey came to walk with him. He'd been a little skittish since Leo had fled back to the city on an incredibly poorly thought out plan to go back to hell – which absolutely no one had pointed out had the potential to release the Kraang back into their world.
Maybe they were being kind. Or maybe they knew there was no way he would’ve actually done it, far more likely to just tip over the edge of the roof. Leo wasn’t even sure how to activate the key. He remembered sitting on the roof staring at that stupid little thing and thinking… he’s on the other side, he’s waiting for me.
Walking in a morning hang of mist, in between luscious green trees with an excitable little dog and Casey’s ducked and shy smile — contrasted with the hell he knew was waiting if he’d gone, barren void with no food and no easily accessible water and relentless claws and fists that would beat him until he snapped — Leo had a very stark realization that it was seriously fucked up that he’d want to go back to that. A reality check.
Leo glanced sideways at the kid beside him. Casey’s hair was frizzy with the moisture, his hand coming up to repeatedly tuck long strands behind his ear. He caught Leo looking and smiled nervously.
That wouldn’t do. Leo bonked their shoulders together and said, “What’s on your mind?”
“Multiple layers of bone, skin and hair.” Casey said promptly, then flushed. “Sorry. That’s a bad joke.”
Leo laughed. It was the kind of joke their family loved, so he had no idea why he was apologizing for it. He was momentarily derailed from the conversation to stop Banana from launching herself up a tree to try and catch a bird.
“What’s her beef with birds anyway?” Casey asked, and Leo had to physically haul Banana away from the trunk she was attempting to climb, squirming all her little dog legs and barking.
“I think she’s jealous she can’t fly.” Leo replied.
Casey laughed. “Hey girl, same.”
Banana darted back and forth in the mist. The ease fell off Casey in sheets and returned that base level nervous.
Leo ran through in his head all the possible reasons Casey might be acting this way. And came to the uncomfortable realization that he may have owed Casey an apology. And this time he was reasonably certain it was deserved and not just a shrouded way for Leo to punish himself.
“I haven’t been fair to you.” Leo said, light as he could make it.
Casey’s head immediately snapped around, eyes wide. He said, “What? No, sensei, you’ve been great.”
Leo chuckled. “You’re giving me credit I don’t deserve on behalf of someone I haven’t become yet. No. I know that I asked you to do something that would hurt. To close the portal on me. And I’m sorry.”
Casey stopped walking, staring at Leo. Banana circled back, curious as to the halt in the walk, nosing at their hands.
“And I’m sorry for asking you for the location of the key and not telling you why I wanted it.” Leo added, realizing belatedly that would probably suck too. “That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have made you feel inadvertently responsible, because you’re not. I’m just an idiot.”
“No, you’re not.” Casey interjected, shaking his head, hair everywhere. “You’re hurting and you’re trying to do better.”
Leo gave a crooked smile. “Trying. Don’t really know how successful I am. I… I know how it feels to be responsible for hurting someone you love. And seriously, I’m sorry for putting you in that position. I know how much that sucks. That shouldn’t have been put on you.”
“I… appreciate it. And you know, it shouldn’t have been put on you either.” Casey told him, hesitant.
Leo felt the immediate sting of denial, then inhaled, pushing through it. If he could recognize that it was a shitty thing to do to Casey, he needed to recognize it was a shitty thing to happen to him. Leo very consciously tried to place himself on the same level as people he loved and agreed, “I know.”
“I was wrong, by the way.” Casey started walking again, hands in pockets. “When I yelled at you before. I was just angry that I had this chance to fix things and nothing was going right. And I was wrong — it is about you. I want it to be about you, because I care about you. And so does everyone else. A leader can only lead if he’s still alive, you know.”
Leo huffed, and reached over to ruffle Casey’s hair. “I care about you too, Casey Junior. Thanks for sticking around even though we’ve probably been a nightmare to deal with.”
“Are you joking? I lived through hell. This place isn’t so bad.”
Leo jolted as Banana immediately tried to taste another bird. He laughed helplessly, and with weight, and said, “Yeah, it ain’t so bad.”
[]
Leo would never tell anyone, but one of the most helpful conversations he had was actually with Draxum.
His psuedo-dad came by and took him aside to once again check his ninpo. They both knew it wasn't functioning, but engaged in the fiction anyway.
When they were alone, Draxum sighed and said, "Do not take this the wrong way, but you know this is all in your head, right?"
"Yeah." Leo shrugged, because he did. It was his love for his family that activated it in the first place. Of course with how complicated the idea of loving and being loved was inside his head, that it would mess with his ninpo. Leo had been almost grimly triumphant when he'd realized he couldn't portal anymore, like it was some kind of vindication that there was something wrong with him, that he didn't belong.
But now…. it just felt lonely.
Leo looked at his hand in Draxum's grasp. They'd taken off the splint, but his finger still ached from where he broke it. There was a time that he couldn't imagine he'd be calm while with Draxum. Similar to how in this moment he felt like he couldn't imagine that he'd ever feel okay.
"How did you decide to be better?" Leo asked, frowning.
"Hm." Draxum scratched his chin. "What do you mean?"
Leo shifted uncomfortably. "Like. You changed. You made a choice, to try, and all that. You had an incredibly prevalent worldview that you completely overhauled. How?"
"And, to be clear, you are asking because you are equating this with yourself?"
"Yeah, Barry. Got it in one." Leo said, a little amused.
"Understood." Draxum nodded primly, folding his hands together and speaking in a measured tone. "To view the world in a certain lens – that humans deserve to die or perhaps that you yourself deserve to die – there is no shortcut for rewiring that. Getting better, trying, all of it – there is no way around it. You simply have to choose. And keep choosing, every second, every minute, over and over. Sometimes you make the wrong choice, but the moments keep coming, and you try again. And again and again and again. Until you're somewhere you'd never imagined you could be, all from the moment-to-moment choices."
That was, unfortunately, not really the answer Leo wanted. He crossed his arms on the table and leaned his chin on them, sullen. "I hate that. And I can't… I just can't imagine it."
Draxum said, "If you'd asked me five years ago if this was what I should have, this life I have now, I would have said no. And I would have been wrong. To ask you if you feel that you should be alive and happy in five years, you might say no. But you'd be wrong too. Giving up won't make it better. And trying can't make it worse."
Leo sighed. He glanced up at Draxum and said, "I just don't know how to do this."
"The secret to trying, unfortunately, is that you actually have to try." Draxum confided.
Leo groaned and flopped to the side.
But later, Leo agreed to let the others dunk him in the metaphorical ocean like Donnie had done. To let them show him how much they loved him. Choosing to actually try.
Which now he was here: laying in the sand of the mind, the ocean licking his heels, as the connection swum between the brothers and they prepared to share with him.
Leo was nervous. Maybe even scared. He had to keep reminding himself why he was letting this happen, and it felt a lot like making the choice over and over and over. Hopefully this too was something that got better with practice. Heh. Even thinking that was an improvement, wasn't it?
Donnie lumbered over and sat cross legged beside Leo’s head in the sand. He poked Leo’s forehead and asked, 'Are you ready?'
'Actually,' Leo said, feeling a jolt of fear that he pushed through. 'Could I show you guys something first?'
'You want to show us something?' Donnie said, surprised.
'Yeah.' Leo sat up, making the decision and pushing up on the sand. 'I'll still let you guys dunk me in the ocean afterwards. I just wanna show you… why.'
Donnie's eyes flickered over Leo's face for a searching moment, then he nodded briskly. 'Of course, Leon. We'd love to see anything you want to show us.'
'Mm, 'love to see' is probably not the right words here.' Leo took Donnie's hand and dragged him up with him. 'Come on.'
'Where are we going?' Mikey asked, bouncing on his heels to follow.
'Leo would like to share something with us first.' Donnie said, a little suspicion in his voice, mixed with curiosity and apprehension.
Leo squeezed his hand, pushing out into the metaphysical hallway. Raph and Mikey trailed behind them. They stopped in front of his door, Leo hesitating with his hand hovering over the knob.
'This might be… hard to watch.' Leo said. 'So you guys don't have to if –'
'Try and stop us.' Raph said, already shaking his head.
Leo cracked a smile in the corner of his mouth. He was expecting that. 'Don't say I didn't warn you.'
He cracked open the door. As he stepped in, he said, 'This part is a work in progress.'
And it was. The void swallowed on all sides, fading the edges of what he'd managed to cobble together. But at least for now, stepping into his mind was not immediately dropping into hell. He'd made a patch of grass, and Banana was sitting in the middle of it with her ball, wagging her tail. Expectant and happy to see him. Reconstructing something soft and welcoming on barely stable scaffolding.
'Aw.' Mikey said, immediately going over to pet her. 'You put a Banana in your brain.'
'Hilarious statement taken out of context.' Donnie agreed. He was stuck at Leo's side, gripping his hand hard, posture a little rigid. He was obviously remembering the last time they were in his mind.
'This isn't so bad.' Raph said, looking around.
'I said, this is a work in progress.' Leo felt a helpless lurch at what this scrounged piece of softness was covering up. 'We're not staying here. We're going over there.'
Leo pointed where the grass tapered off into trees, disappearing into the endless void just beyond the forest edge.
Donnie's grip on his hand was desperately tight. When Leo glanced over, his twin was staring at the edge with a miserable brow and fear on his face.
Leo leaned in to whispered soft, 'You don't have to.'
'No.' Donnie denied immediately, striding forward with purpose and dragging Leo with him. 'Let's go.'
Leo didn't deny him. He'd offered, in the first place. Mikey gave the brain-Banana one last kiss on the top of her fluffy head, and she stayed in the grass with her ball. Safe from what was just beyond the borders.
Hell waited for them. Cold. Leo stepped out into the nothing, feet not touching the ground, and it was as if it was happening --
Thrown forward, into nothing, hurtling through endless space. No sword to portal. The echo of Donnie screaming his name as he was thrown, alone, and more importantly leaving Donnie alone with Prime.
Leo hung in the void, still moving through space, helpless. Useless. Worthless. The self hatred drummed loud and angry. Emotion roared and flared and there was no outlet, just a piston of a heart and disgusting chemical dumps of ice-cold fear and ill regret. He had nothing – no sword, no weapons, no way to get back to Donnie. All he had was –
This photograph. his smiling family staring back at him. And Leo was dunked in foul, repulsive hatred for the idiot in that photo. He scratched and scratched at his face until he removed the problem from the happy family.
A family that had reached out to him across universes. That gave him a chance they could get Donnie out of here, if only he could get back to him, to his sword. Leo had to hope that Prime wasn't done playing with him yet. That he'd come back. It seemed impossible to want that, and yet he would give anything for him to return.
And he did return. Prime found him easily, tracing the length of his trajectory and calling, "Oh, there you are, my pest."
"Where's Donnie?" Leo asked, because it was the only question that mattered.
Prime lunged forward and swallowed Leo in his claws, jolting.
"Why should I say? You're the one who hurt him." Prime taunted, twisting around to pluck Leo by the ankle and hang him upside down. The inversion put the blood in his brain and he blinked against the disorientation.
Leo tried to struggle out of his grip. And the photograph fluttered away from him, leading Prime to snatch the piece of paper up and inspect it.
"What's this?" Prime sneered. "Aw. Look at that. You're learning."
Leo's stomach dropped. "What?"
Prime stuck a claw through the scratched out hole and widened it, just a touch. "You understand, don't you? Your existence is a burden on everyone in this photograph. I only hurt the tagalong because of you. All that quality time two of us just had together… I never would've spent more than a minute to kill someone so insignificant. Instead, I got to really drag out the process. Watch the panic build in his eyes. And how even the smartest mouth eventually loses the ability to speak if you push hard enough. And that, my pest, is because of you."
Leo choked as Prime threw him up in the air, like a cat tossing prey over their head, catching him only to throw again and again.
"This is all your fault." Prime said, snatching him into a too-tight squeeze, dangerous and pressurized, looming closer to glare with intent. "And I will give you what you deserve. You will see. I will hurt you exactly the way you're meant to be. I will tear you apart. I will break every bone in your body, one by one. And do you know what the best part is?"
The loom grew uncomfortably close. Leo tried to lean his head back but he couldn't.
Prime grinned. He said, "You're going to thank me for it."
The world faded and hummed. The void turned grey. Leo inhaled. And he felt thrice over pain, and three sets of hands holding onto him.
'Oh, Leo.' Mikey murmured, mouth trembling.
'It's okay.' Leo said blindly, then shook his head. 'I-I mean, it's not. I know it's not. He's just -- he's so loud. And it's not like he wasn't telling me things I didn't already know.'
Donnie was shaking, gaze hard, fingers so tight on Leo.
Raph swallowed. 'He's wrong.'
'I want to believe that.' Leo said, the most honest way he could answer that without lying. Because he did, he just was still trying to figure out how. 'Anyway. That's -- that's not all I wanted to show you. I want you guys to be able to understand better.'
'There's nothing I'd like more.' Donnie said, utterly firm.
Leo smiled at him, because he knew that. And let the grey void fall away. Instead falling into pieces of a hallway, setting the stage of a farmhouse.
A bedroom. Two twins, facing off, with Donnie petting Banana.
Donnie said, "I think I've made my position clear. Are we understood?"
Leo replied, "Yeah, D. We're understood."
And he laid back, on the soft blankets, and ran his mind in circles. Letting the blueprints light up, because Donnie said 'if you, then fucking me.' And that was not an outcome Leo could allow.
Leo could not allow Donnie to follow him where he was going. So he made plans. To get 'better', to attend therapy and tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, to 'eat' without being forced, feeding the dog what he could and secreting away what else he couldn't, to not give anyone any reason to worry about him – so Donnie could have the room to heal heal heal from the shit that Leo had caused – and then, once they were untangled, and Donnie didn't need him anymore… Leo would solve the problem.
A melt and shift. The room dissolved into a handful of moments -- walking in to see Donnie hugging the dog for the first time, his stomach dropping to his toes when he turned to see Donnie wrapped in Raph's arms, staring darkly at Donnie hugging Splinter with all his might, Leo's face falling when Donnie asked to turtle pile with their brothers -- all with this common nasty feeling of something that could maybe be called jealousy. But that wasn't quite right.
Because Leo had a plan. He had this blueprint that he was going to follow, and it meant that Donnie was supposed to get his feet underneath himself without Leo -- to rely on the others again. If Leo was following his plan, it should've filled him with joy to see Donnie successfully reaching out.
But it didn't. Instead, he felt this dark emotion, jealous like he wanted Donnie to only need him -- but that wasn't the reason. The reason was that he was scared. He didn't want Donnie to let go of him, because he was so scared of what happened next.
It shouldn't have made him so scared if that was what he really wanted. When he laid awake all night, worrying about it, he told himself it didn't matter if he was scared. It was what he deserved.
And then. Shifting again. The quiet. The swirling Hidden City skyline. Leo's feet hanging off the edge. The key felt strange in his hand. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there before the air whispered behind him in a familiar wick of power.
If this was what Leo really wanted, why did the presence of his twin come to stop him fill him with relief?
He wanted Donnie to save him, even if he didn't know how he could. To dive into the mindscape together, to let his love of his family win over his hatred of himself, to stare at his twin and think: if I can't die for Prime then I can't live for Donnie.
And a more somber decision, I have to find some way to try for me – before he let Donnie take his hand and lead him back to his family in the light.
Just like how now, Leo took his family by the hands, and lead them back to the light, out of the shade of his mind onto the grass, where Banana was faithfully happy to see him.
'I just wanted you to understand.' Leo explained, gathering the border collie up in his arms and squeezing her tight, not quite able to make eye contact with the others. He could see that Donnie was shaking all over, wringing his hands. 'That… it's not all hopeless. There is some part of me that wants to live. I just… I gotta find it. I'm trying to find it.'
Leo oofed as Mikey latched onto him from the side, a punch of a sob rocking through him, and his baby brother said, 'We love you so much, Leo. So, so much.'
And because they were still inside Leo's mind, they could all feel the burning force of his response, how strong and vibrant the love remained, even through the darkness.
Leo still said it, because it deserved saying. 'Yeah. I love you guys too.'
'Thank you for sharing with us.' Raph said, crouching beside the tangle of Mikey-Leo-dog on the grass. 'We'd like to show you now too.'
'Yeah.' Leo smiled at him. 'I'm ready. Let's go. Hit me with your best shot.'
Raph helped them up. Mikey led the way back into the hallway, excited, with Raph right behind him. Leo made to follow but stopped, because Donnie hadn't moved, frozen and staring at him. Standing in the grass, eyes searching his figure desperately.
'Okay, Tello?' Leo asked, doubling back to his twin, folding his hands over Donnie's to stop the wringing motion.
Donnie visibly swallowed, and his voice was strangled when he asked, 'You're trying? You're really, really trying?'
Leo squeezed. He took a big, demonstrative breath, nodding encouragingly for Donnie to follow. He let the mindscape soak around them, aware that it would give him away if he lied. But he had no intention of lying this time. 'I'm trying to try, for what it's worth.'
'It's worth everything.' Donnie whispered, and squeezed back stronger, blinking hard like he was trying not to cry.
'Come on.' Leo tugged them towards the door. 'I said I was gonna let them dunk me and I'm not about to back out on the challenge now.'
Donnie nodded, eyes watery, and kept their hands together as they crossed the hall again, leaving Banana to safeguard his mind.
Leo laid back down in the sand, with all of his brothers this time. He shut his eyes and let the waves roll over him.
Raph showed him a thousand shy and sweet smiles. Each one punctuated with the sheer affection and joy coursing through Raph's veins, though none as strong as the most recent at the lake. Leo saw it from his perspective – a smaller brother in the water smiling up at him, real after months and months of heart-wrenching plastic – and felt how overwhelmingly happy it made him, how lucky he felt to get to see it again, how he wanted nothing more than to keep that smile safe. Because that was a smile Leo truly meant.
That ached. Leo ached, down to his core, and shivered. But then it was Mikey's turn, as the tide ebbed and flowed up the sand again.
Mikey showed him his big hero speech from the other side, how he stared at Leo with stars in his eyes and how he truly believed that they could save everyone, just because Leo said so. Mikey believed in Leo more than anything else in the whole world, and it filled him with confidence, because he knew that Leo believed in him too. In all of them.
The ache cracked the ice in his middle. He shuddered, head to toe, clutching the hands holding him tight. Squeezing his eyes shut against the salt spray. Burning.
Raph showed him the moment he broke through the Kraang's control, how he latched onto Leo's voice, onto his words, and dragged himself hand over hand free from his own personal hell on the sheer power of his little brother in front of him alone. The feeling of that could break any prison. Raph would do anything for Leo.
Tears streamed down the corner of Leo's shut eyes. The waves cycled over him.
Mikey showed him how Leo loudly proclaimed that Mikey could do anything he wanted. How it made him feel. Raph showed him how Leo brought him stuffed animals with a nervous flush on his face. How it made him feel. Nights spent talking. Days spent laughing. Tears dried. Tears caused. Meals split. Selfies taken. Piggyback rides, given and received. How it made them feel. All of it, over and over again, the answer was this: love. Love. Love. Loving Leo. Being loved by Leo. Relentless. Real.
Leo must've been lying to himself again, because it wasn't that he was afraid he wouldn't believe them. In the end, it was far more terrifying that he did believe them. He could feel, in every inch of his skin, exactly how much they loved him. It frightened him. He shuddered all over. The tears in the mindscape carried over to reality, and when he emerged from the soak, Donnie was crouched in front of him cleaning his face with his sleeve and a worried expression.
"It's okay." Leo croaked, throat sore with emotion.
"Leo." Donnie stated, flat, because it was obvious he wasn't.
Leo struggled with the truth. With trying. Around him, Raph and Mikey blinked out of the meld as well. He reached for them and amended, "I'll be okay."
"Did it help?" Mikey asked. "You're crying. Did it hurt?"
Leo sniffed. "Not more than it helped."
Some primal relief fell over Donnie's face. He exhaled shakily. Raph gathered him into a hug and squeezed. Leo tucked Mikey under his own arm and soaked in the reality. All of them together.
"We can do that again, any time you need." Mikey vowed, squeezing Leo tight around the middle.
The idea of asking for that specifically burned. But it was melting the frozen thing inside him. Leo said, "Thanks, hermano. I'd like that."
[]
Leo waited an hour.
It was hard, staying absolutely motionless, afraid that if he even moved then the emotion would win and he would hurt himself. Time felt it was standing still. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Nighttime was the hardest. During the day there was so many people and so many distractions and so much lively and real reasons why he was trying.
But when night fell, and everyone went to sleep and Leo was alone, the thoughts returned full force. Swallowing and huge and unmanageable, brain sometimes plucking known triggers just for the fun of the reaction. Then even though he was following the rules and laying in bed for eight prescribed hours, sleep or not, his heart would start to race and panic would take over and –
The air horn in his ear came back. And Leo knew, he knew that if he just punished himself in some way, it would quiet down. And he could cope with this whole excruciating Being Alive thing for just a bit longer. But he'd promised his dad he wasn't going to do that, he was going to wait an hour. And now it had been an hour, and he still couldn't breathe, he was still thinking about the moment when Prime broke him. When the begging to be hurt snapped into screams for it to stop. And then it didn't stop. It just kept going. The sticky persistent intrusive thought reminding him, over and over, how exactly it felt in that moment.
The emotions were loud. Impossibly loud. There was nothing to pull his attention away from them. Donnie was asleep, wrapped in a tight ball of purple duvet, with Banana sleeping peacefully on his feet.
It had been an hour, and nothing had changed. Leo didn't want to feel like this anymore. He slid out of bed and crept over to the door, intent on – on something. He wasn't sure yet. He'd find something.
But the hallway felt cold, outside of his blankets. The clocks haunted the walls, uneasy. Leo didn't want to feel like this anymore. His feet tracked the rug and instead seeking the kitchen for something sharp, he hovered outside his father's door. Unsure. He'd waited an hour and it was still there. He wanted to ask his dad what he was meant to do next, if waiting an hour wasn't enough. He wanted to try.
Footsteps. Splinter opened the door, squinting in the dark, and offered his hand to Leo. After a moment, Leo took his dad's hand and let himself be led inside. Guided under the covers and tucked in warmly.
"It's been an hour." Leo volunteered eventually, when Splinter didn't ask.
"Thank you for waiting." Splinter replied, squeezing his hand. "Are you hurt anywhere? Or did you come to me first?"
"I came to you." Leo said, face hot.
"Wonderful, my son. I am so happy to hear you are unharmed. And to be so brave as to seek out help when you are feeling poorly." Splinter massaged Leo's knuckles of his hand, speaking with grave weight.
Leo's breath hitched, and he curled up in a little ball. His dad's bed made him feel small. He shuddered all over, a melting thaw leaving leftover chill.
"Would you like to speak about what is upsetting you?" Splinter asked, soft.
Leo immediately shook his head. Of course he didn't.
"I understand." Splinter agreed. "Whatever it is, it must be so very hard to deal with. You are doing such a good job right now, coming to me."
Leo laid there and shivered for a while. The warmth of the blankets and the gentle hand holding his was a quiet and welcome company. Splinter seemed to have endless patience for his son, humming a little under his breath.
"Can I ask you a question?" Leo whispered, after what felt like ages and ages.
"Yes." Splinter replied. No hesitation.
Leo bit his tongue a little, then stopped himself. He said, "How do I get my ninpo back?"
"Ah." Splinter said. "I'm sure you are aware that your blockage is all in your head?"
"I know it's all in my head." Leo murmured. "But I don't know how to be anywhere else."
"True." Splinter chuckled. "But I can't tell you how you can decide that. It is up to you and whatever barrier you've subconsciously decided to place between you and your power. Take that down and you will find your abilities have not gone anywhere at all."
Another long quiet. Leo was wrestling with the late-night emotion storm. Dark room and soft blankets and the absolute undivided attention of his dad.
"I don't know how to do that." Leo said, after a while.
"Once you decide to break down whatever you've put up, reach out. They will be reaching back." Splinter stated, firm and unworried.
"How can I break it down when I don't even know what it is?" Leo asked, a little annoyed.
"Meditate on the answer, it will come to you." Splinter said, sagely.
Leo immediately groaned, because mediation was the most boring answer. A smile tweaked the corner of Splinter's mouth, amused at the reaction.
But it was impossible to fall back asleep, and left with his own thoughts there was nothing else to do anyway. So Leo thought about his ninpo and his connection to his ancestral family and Gram-Gram and –
The lurch to his stomach said, I don't deserve that. I deserve to be alone.
Unfortunate. Leo couldn't really just stop thinking that, just because he wanted to have his powers again. There was far too much to untangle there.
… but really, who's thought was that? Was it Leo's? Or was it Prime's? Did it matter if he couldn't tell the difference? But if it was only Leo and only Prime who thought that, was it true? Historically those were the two people who hated Leo the most. Hueso would probably say, shouldn't he get a second opinion on that?
But would he believe it? No. That wasn't the fear. What was he going to do when he believed it? Could he cope with taking down that wall? It was too much, his brain was spinning wheels. It was too quiet in this room.
Definitely too quiet. Leo heard an echo of a scream from nothing and his brain helpfully pushed the button to listen to it again, breath hitching when his own voice pleaded for it to stop. Explosions of pain, bursts of light behind his closed eyelids, and a gasp for air.
"Peace, my son." Splinter stroked his face, coaxing. Of course he hadn't been asleep, there had been no foghorn snores in Leo's ears. "You are alright. I am here with you."
"D-daddy." Leo said, voice cracking, and reached out.
Splinter gathered Leo in a hug, kissing his temple and cradling him close. "I have you. I promise I have you. Everything is alright."
"It's not." Leo choked on a sob, trying so hard not to let it out.
"Oh, Blue." Splinter sighed, worried and tired and sad. "You carry so much. I know you do not wish to feel like this. If you speak, I could carry this with you, and make it lighter."
Leo didn't have to carry it alone. Because he wasn't alone. He tried, "I feel so ashamed."
"You do?" Splinter asked, sadly wondering.
Leo nodded, trembling. "I – I broke. Under him. He. He broke me."
Splinter cradled him closer. He said nothing, not pushing. Waiting.
Leo buried his face in his shoulder, breathing for a moment, gathering what remained of shrapnel courage. "He barely touched me. He went after Donnie, over and over and over. And I couldn't – I couldn't bear it anymore. Donnie didn't – he didn't deserve that. And he … he got me to hurt him too. And brought me back to find he'd almost strangled him to death. And I broke, Daddy. I couldn't do it anymore. He said to beg and I did. I got on my knees and I begged him to hurt me. And then I thanked him when he did."
"Leonardo." Splinter said, in the silence that followed, stretched out in the pain of a father, the secondhand agony that was painted in many colours of regret and fear and understanding.
A sob crackled through him. "But the worst part – the worst part is that I couldn't even –" A hiccup punched in the middle of his words. "I couldn't even stick to that. I couldn't even take what I'd asked for. He broke my spirit then he broke my body and I had nothing left. I screamed for him to stop and I didn't care what it meant. I didn't care. I just – I couldn't even take what I'd asked for."
"Do you really think that's what you should've done?" Splinter wondered, pained.
Leo sobbed over and over. He said, "I don't know. I don't know. I can't think straight about it. It hurts too much. It overwhelms me instantly, I get locked in panic and scared, so fucking scared, and I feel like a coward and a failure and I can't take it. I can't."
"Let me be clear, my son. There was nothing there that you should've done. You were being tortured by a monster. There is no right answer there. And even with what happened, you and Donatello survived. That is the desired outcome. Especially with that scum safely on the other side of a prison wall where he can never touch any of my brave, beautiful sons again. He deserves to rot in hell for doing that to you."
Leo's ragged breathing filled the space. He clutched his dad with everything he had.
"You said," Splinter wondered, stroking Leo's cheek. Right on his red stripe. "That Donatello did not deserve what happened. I take that to mean that you felt you did deserve it. But you deserve exactly what you have now. A safe, warm place to sleep, with a fluffy dog. A big brother who loves you to absolute pieces and would lay down in front of a train for you. A little brother who adores you and wants you to be the first to see anything he accomplishes. A twin who would tear the world apart for you and never stop until you are happy. April, Casey, Hueso – all of them. And me. We love you. And I know that you love us, I have never doubted that for even a second. We are so lucky that you love us, it is an honour and a privilege to be loved by Hamato Leonardo. And I humbly ask you to consider what all the love you give us means you deserve."
Leo felt so many emotions. Too many emotions, all crowding to be felt at once. But Splinter did not seem alarmed, his papa's love pouring unconditional and strong.
Maybe that was what he deserved. Leo couldn't voice it, but Splinter didn't seem to need an answer. He just held him through the rest of the night. And Leo didn't sleep, not really, but when the sun rose and the morning came, Leo watched the colours bloom through the window, holding onto his dad and thought… I want this to be what I deserve. Does that mean anything?
There wasn't an answer. However Leo was pretty sure if he tried to light a portal, he wouldn't be disappointed.
[]
"Have I apologized yet?" Leo asked.
Donnie was elbow deep in dirt, a furrow in his brow, trying to work in his garden. "For what?"
Leo was sitting on the grass beside him, watching him work. He had a glass of lemonade with ice that Banana, laying on his left, had almost knocked over about six times in her inability to lie still. He'd been watching a chess Youtuber but had paused the video to ask his burning question.
"For… everything." It seemed insufficient, but he had to try.
“Only about a thousand times.” Donnie said, sounding a little on edge, shoulders high. “I don’t think you need to apologize for everything ever.”
Leo shrugged. He didn’t know why Donnie wouldn’t let him apologize either, considering how angry he’d been about lots of Leo’s choices over this whole thing. “Don’t you think so? With how everything turned out?”
Donnie scoffed incredulously. "I'm sorry, I missed the part where you became omniscient? Are you apologizing for the sun shining now too? For the bees? For lemonade? You are not responsible for the universe. You're not even responsible for me, because I'm a grown ass turtle who makes his own decisions. You are responsible for you and I'm not sorry that you are alive."
"Geez." Leo cracked a smile in the corner of his mouth, wry. "Tell me how you really feel."
Donnie, of course, took the request literally, "I am not going to listen to you lay your throat down when you have suffered just as much as me, if not possibly more. Even if mistakes were made, they have been paid for in blood. I don't have any desire to dissect the matter further by languishing in apologies."
Leo tried to listen to what he was saying. Taking each statement in turn, really trying to understand why he wasn’t being allowed to apologize. The answer was obvious, put together with everyone else he’d talked to — we don’t blame you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve it.
He wanted to believe them. That was hopefully the first step in actually believing it. He couldn’t make himself think it yet, but he added the loud little Donnie in his mind to scream along with his brothers, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
Leo fidgeted with his glass, making the ice clink. Banana got up to chase a bird, darting away at top speed, infinitely distractible. He said, slowly, "I'm glad that you were there with me, in the end."
"Is that so?" Donnie raised a perfect eyebrow, setting down his dirtied garden spade.
Leo shrugged. "We made a pretty good team. Don't you think?"
"We made the best team." Donnie affirmed, eyes glinting. "However let's make it our goal to never get trapped in hell again. Agreed?"
Leo lurched forward, careless of the dirt, and hugged his twin. Knocking them both over in the grass, Banana darting over to join in the momentary chaos. He squeezed real hard, so happy that he had Donnie. He loved him so much. That was what mattered.
Everything was okay. Or it would be okay. He could breathe, at least.
"Alright. If you insist, we'll stay here." Leo held on and smiled, shy and sweet. "It's you and me."
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