Chapter Text
Raph carried a cooler full of snacks and an armload of towels. Following the dirt path eventually led to the lake, where a boat launch was set into the water. Donnie convinced everyone that he was totally fine to walk all the way down there, as he really wanted to swim.
Better yet, Casey Junior apparently didn't know how to swim. Ever the more reason to head down to the water, a tree-lined shore with no sand, just smooth rounded rocks. That was fine, they kept their towels on the grass instead.
They'd chosen the warmest day so far, with a cloudless sky and a sun high and hot, practically singing from its hang. Raph was really looking forward to dipping into the water and possibly never leaving it again.
April had driven back to the city, so it was Splinter, Casey, the twins, and Mikey riding on Raph's shoulders down to the water. There were other humans swimming in the water, but the houses were far enough apart that they were indistinct figures splashing around on their own boat launches and docks along the shoreline. Hopefully no one came closer to ask why they were green. Raph would just tell them to mind their own business. He was pretty convincing.
It was reassuring to have the weight of his little brother on his shoulders, especially since Mikey was nuzzling his head and humming little songs. Nothing soothed his big heart more than having his brothers as close as he possibly could -- protecting them with everything he had -- and carrying them around was the perfect way to do that.
He had offered to carry Donnie as well, and the genius had politely declined. Absolutely no one wanted to push him beyond his limits on touch, even if it sucked that it was such a long walk down to the lake on his still healing leg. Instead he stayed glued, predictably, to Leo's side.
Raph was worried about Leo. He was worried about both of them, of course, with a healthy amount of worry set aside just for Mikey too. But Leo was... special. He'd always been special, in Raph's eyes as the big brother and protector. He knew that Mikey would make his wants known, loudly and repeatedly. He knew that even if Donnie didn't always know what he wanted, his body would often signal that there was something he needed, like when he would stim agitatedly. But Leo...
Leo brushed off everything with a smile, a joke, rolled eyes or pageantry. Raph used to think that his brother was unaffected, that he didn't care, that he shrugged everything off with no repercussions. He was a safe avenue to push against, because he'd always bounce back.
And then at some point Raph made the connection that Leo had been suffering from insomnia since they were little kids and hadn't said a single word in complaint. And that was an ice cold wake up call, one that he could still remember, staring at his brother and thinking... oh, I need to watch out for you so much closer than I thought I did.
It was one thing to have a hyperactive bouncy baby brother who leapt then looked, or a genius little brother who could create dangerous machines, but to have this perfectly constructed performance of untouchability shielding something incredibly vulnerable that Raph was never allowed to see?
Raph would never voice it out loud, because he was sure it would make Leo feel terrible, but sometimes Raph looked at Leo and thought, I'd love to actually meet you someday.
It wasn't fair, really. He'd seen such small peeks of that person in a cherished shy and sweet smile, in the flashes of the protective hand over Mikey's plastron as he slept, how even when he rolled his eyes he could recite back Donnie's infodumps word for word, or how Leo never was the first one to let go when he hugged Raph.
There was no handbook on how to deal with something like this for someone like Leo. He wanted to believe that just loving him with everything he had would be enough, but... the uncomfortable truth was that at some point, Leo himself was going to have to decide that recovering was actually something he wanted to do. And that wasn't something Raph could force, not something he could carry.
All that he could do was what he'd done all along – love Leo with everything he had and be right there waiting and ready to support him.
On the other side, he watched how Donnie was filled with so much fear. It wasn't that Raph never thought that Donnie was afraid before, it was just that the sheer quantity of the emotion seemed to override everything and take away all the ways that he'd almost taken for granted that made him Donnie. There was nothing more painful for Raph than to see his little brothers afraid and unable to help, so this was a particularly trying experience for him.
Though he was beginning to see more and more peeks of normalcy from Donnie – even if he was changed by the prison dimension, Raph just wanted him to be even a bit more comfortable and safe.
And Raph knew the emotion driving Leo's behaviour, because he could still feel the poignant emotion drilling into him relentlessly when they'd melded. That overwhelming self hatred that was so terrible to consider that his brilliant little brother felt that as a constant. What that meant for him. What it might mean going forward. Hell, what it meant when he looked back, all the mistakes Raph made when assuming that Leo didn't care.
Raph wanted to rattle his past self and yell, can't you see? He cares so much it might kill him.
When they made it to the lake shore, Banana peeled away from the group and ran directly into the water, splashing all the way before her feet couldn't touch anymore and she darted around in a doggy-paddle.
"Oh, she's fearless." Mikey giggled, and tapped Raph's shoulder to be let down. "Banana! Come here girl."
A hairpin turn in the water and Banana hopped back up the shore, stopping on the rocks to shake her long coat and cover Mikey in water as he shrieked. She turned her blank stare up at him, expectantly.
Donnie was shedding the big t-shirt he was wearing, turning towards the water like he was magnetized towards it. He said, "Are you coming?"
He was, of course, asking Leo. The slider shook his head, sitting on the watermelon-patterned towel on the grassy bank. "I'm good."
Donnie hesitated in his motion of getting the shirt over his head, glancing out longingly at the water.
"Go, D." Leo said, and he sounded tired. "I'm right here. I'll stay right here."
"Come in with me." Donnie asked, strained.
Leo hesitated, and it was that hesitation that told Raph whatever he was about to say was an excuse for the real reason. Then he said, "I'd rather not get lake bacteria in this shell crack."
Mikey threw a stick into the water and Banana went crashing back into the cool soak. Donnie glanced over again, want painted on him.
"I'm good, I'm happy here." Leo assured, laying down like he was bathing in the scorching hot sun. "Get in the water, Tello. It's fine."
Donnie's face said it was not fine. He opened his mouth to argue more, but Leo pulled the baseball cap he was wearing over his eyes, ending the conversation. His purple twin stood over him, wringing his hands, glancing between Leo and water with clear conflict.
It was breaking Raph's heart. He approached, trying to keep his voice casual, "Come on, Don. This bozo isn't going anywhere."
Leo didn't so much as twitch. Donnie chewed on his lip and gave an agitated flap to his hands, the decision obviously taking a mental toll on him.
After a long minute, Donnie’s face shifted, turning into something that Raph recognized — bullheaded determination, at any suggestion that there was something Hamato Donatello could not do, leading to weaponized toasters and fully functioning AI. Or in this case, Donnie tossing his t-shirt aside and bulleting directly into the water in the same manner that Banana had. Complete with a floating little doggy paddle of a soft shell turtle submerging himself like he was born in the water.
Raph couldn’t help but grin, but didn’t chase his little brother into the water just yet. Instead he settled down beside his other little brother and lifted the edge of the baseball cap to see his eyes.
“Go swim, big guy.” Leo said, voice unperturbed and smooth. “I’m fine.”
“I know you’re not as crazy about it as D, but you still like to swim.” Raph rumbled, setting aside the cap and resting his large hand on Leo’s neck. He could feel the knobs of his spine when he rubbed a soothing motion and it was kind of scary.
“Mm.” Leo hummed, noncommittal and shuddered. It took a long twenty seconds before he finally relaxed into the touch, turning his face into Raph’s forearm and nuzzling. It featured a dazed and disconnected blink that told Raph he probably wasn’t entirely aware he was even doing that.
Raph decided that the water could wait, even though the hot sun was practically cooking him in his shell. Instead, he kept the soothing stroke at the back of Leo’s neck, gently tugging the slider closer with his other hand.
The sparkling visage of water with the white streak of reflected sun up the middle. Donnie was doing a perfect lap back and forth from the red buoy, touching the plastic and doubling back to shore. Mikey was leading Casey Junior into the water by the hand, laughing at the expression on his face when his toes touched the water. Banana was attempting to drink the lake, standing waist deep and lapping endlessly at the sway from motor boats cutting across and making small waves.
Splinter lumbered away from the shore and sat on Leo’s other side. “Hello my sons.”
“Hey Pops.” Raph rumbled, intent on his task of the increasingly melted Leo snuggling up to his arm.
“Hi Daddy.” Leo mumbled, distant.
“The water looks nice and cool.” Splinter said, musing.
“Mmm.” Leo said, in what might’ve been agreement.
Splinter reached over to smooth his thumb on Leo’s face, right of the edge of his red stripe. “Are you warm in the sun, my sweet boy?”
Leo’s mouth trembled a little, eyes shutting and practically dissolving at the affection. Weak fingers curled in Raph’s muscle shirt.
A shriek of joy in the water as Mikey submerged himself with a splash, then flung a wave of droplets at Casey. The little bobbing figure of Donnie was still doing perfect laps, with the dog treading happily along side him.
Raph was way too hot, but he was also pretty sure Leo was about to fall asleep. So he stayed in the hot sun and held his brother, stroking his neck like he had nowhere else to be. He carefully gathered his little brother in his arms, tucking him close and churring lightly, not jostling him awake.
For ten days, Raph had thought he'd never hold his Leo ever again. There was a painful unravelling to have this moment, to clutch him close in the summer sun to the soundtrack of laughter in the water. Leo completely pliant and trusting, even after all the ways Raph had messed up.
This wasn't something he felt he could have, not only because he seemed to constantly do or say the wrong things, but also because Donnie had been so against touch and Leo never left Donnie's side. That wasn't Donnie's fault, but the end result was that Raph had been just as sore on Leo hugs as he'd been Donnie hugs.
The fact that Leo practically dissolved into his touch, that he trusted him enough to fall asleep out in the open… Raph nuzzled the top of Leo's head, so warmed with affection for him that it eclipsed the hot sun. The sleepy way Leo's fingers were tangled in the collar of his muscle shirt, how his head rested against his plastron as if it was a soft pillow.
With Leo completely swallowed in his arms, Raph could feel an ache soothed, like – I've got him, I've got him, I've got him.
Splinter was pressed against Raph's side, watching the hooligans in the water with a fond gaze. Eventually he got up and kissed both Raph and Leo's forehead, plodding down to the water and approaching the shoreline. Their father spoke with Mikey and Casey, then stripped down to join Donnie and Banana where they were hanging out in the shallow. They had never found the upper limit of how long Donnie could hold his breath in the water, because Splinter had always coaxed him to raise his head out of the bath after a predetermined amount of dad-worry time. Donnie must've hit that limit in the lake to inspire Splinter to join him in the water.
Raph watched the reluctant way Donnie finally raised his mouth above the waterline, and had to fight down laughter that might wake the sleeping brother in his arms when Donnie spat a mouthful of lake at their dad.
There was a detached, horrible thought at the sight of Donnie holding his breath for so long, leaving Raph wondering if that was what kept him alive when he emerged from hell with the telling bruises on his throat.
Then Raph thought, I wish I didn't have to wonder that.
Donnie got completely out of the water, with Banana on his heels and shaking out her long coat. He approached up the grassy bank, dripping water, eyes glued on Raph and his charge.
Raph used the one hand he wasn't soothing the back of Leo's neck to gesture a 'shh' motion. Donnie stuttered to a stop, frank surprise on his face, staying obligingly quiet. Raph turned his arms enough so Donnie could see Leo's sleeping face, snuffling and pressed into his plastron.
"Oh." Donnie said, very quiet. Then raised his hands to sign, 'Is he okay?'
Raph nodded. His arms were full so he couldn't reply, merely letting his reassuring chur grow louder to reach the purple twin as well.
Tension fell off Donnie's shoulders. He glanced back at the water with obvious want, but took Splinter's spot beside Raph anyway. Dripping cool lake water on him.
Banana darted up and down the shore, going between the three on the grass and the three in the water. Splinter joined Mikey in his endeavour to teach Casey to swim, getting the kid to float on his back.
Raph would love to float, especially in cool water under a hot sun. But in this moment, he had zero desire to be anywhere but exactly where he was. A twin on either side. It was a little odd – the insomniac asleep and the genius silent – but he'd take every single moment he had with them, no matter the circumstances.
Leo slept like the dead. It was almost alarming, because Leo didn't sleep like that usually. His was the first eye peeking out of the turtle pile at the footsteps in the hallway. But he was absolutely boneless, the only tension in the fingers twisted in Raph's shirt.
Donnie was fidgeting beside him. Glancing over at the water more and more.
“Go swim, D.” Raph encouraged, in a whisper.
“I can’t leave Leo alone while he’s asleep.” Donnie mumbled back, tight.
“He’s not alone.” Raph said. “He’s with me.”
Donnie looked up at him, and it felt like some kind of enormous test. But Raph had been studying little brothers his whole life. He wanted Donnie to trust him too. Not just with himself, as shown by the leaning touch against his side, but more importantly with Leo.
“He might have a nightmare.” Donnie said, quiet.
“I’ll handle it if he does.” Raph promised. He was thinking about a snot faced little slider waking him up in the middle of the night to get Raph to check under his bed for monsters.
Donnie continued to hesitate. Then glanced over at the lake again when Casey fell in with a huge splash. It was undeniably hot, a cloudless sky with no buffer from the height of the sun. Donnie hated being hot.
“If he needs you, I will fetch you. You’re not going far.” Raph said, measured and slow.
“Okay.” Donnie agreed finally, and squeezed Raph’s bicep as he got up. “Thank you. I love you.”
Raph was so lucky to have these two twins to love. “I love you too. Get in the water, swimmy-boy.”
Donnie gave a gratuitous salute and meet Banana halfway in his skip back into the water. Aquatic turtle immediately back in his element, darting out to the red buoy again.
Raph stayed where he was. He soaked in every precious second of Leo’s undisturbed sleep. Though he ground his teeth loudly, making Raph wince.
Casey and Mikey got out of the water to pillage the cooler and kept a respectful distance from the sleeping duo when Raph shooed them away. Instead they began to skip rocks over the lake surface instead. Raph was impressed at how Splinter managed to outfox everyone else by skipping almost halfway across the lake.
Leo twitched in his grip. Raph had sat perfectly still for maybe two hours, not daring to interrupt. The twitch turned into a faint whine, curling closer. The forewarned nightmares truly couldn’t give him more than a couple hours, huh? Raph wished he could sooth it and attempted to rub the back of his neck again.
It didn’t help. Leo chirped, the most broken sound he’d ever heard from his loud and fearless little brother. Muscles tense. Breath coming faster.
Raph held him closer, trying to imbue love into the dream. His own heart was beginning to race at witnessing Leo suffer. Another heartbreaking chirp. Then a gasp for air, Leo’s eyes wide open.
“Hey buddy, I’ve got you.” Raph assured. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
Leo’s gaze settled on Raph’s face and crumpled. He said, split apart and destroyed, “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, hey, none of that.” Raph couldn’t stand how Leo’s breath was coming rabbit-quick like he was still terrified out of his mind. And fucking apologizing.
A sob punched through Leo and he let go of Raph’s shirt to miserably cover his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut, expression crumpled.
Raph could only cradle his baby brother closer. He felt so fucking small. He bonked their foreheads together and said, “You’re good. Raph’s got you."
“You shouldn’t.” Leo stammered, eyes a little wild like he wasn’t really there. Hazy too. Undeniably tired. “It’s my fault.”
Raph thought about the feverish strength of self hatred in a mind meld and the overheard screaming matches over who’s to blame for who jumping in which hell. “I know you’re not about to tell me not to hug my little brother who I love more than anything. There’s nothing that would make me want to be anywhere but right here right now doing this.”
Leo’s chest was practically heaving for air. “You hate anyone who hurts your brothers.”
Bruises on Donnie’s throat. Cracks in Leo’s shell. Sometimes Raph laid awake at night and wondered if he contained enough sheer rage now that he could flatten Prime with one single smack of an enormous red palm. He did not deny the statement, because rage was an old friend greeted at the door. “Yes.”
“I hurt your brother.” Leo stated, like he was laying the worst prize in the world on the floor.
Raph thought immediately of a locked bathroom and a discarded towel covered in blood. But then realized from the glint in Leo’s eye that he wasn’t thinking of himself as Raph’s brother in this instance, he was flickering his gaze towards the lake where a soft shell turtle was floating leisurely in the water with a wrist still faintly yellowed on the edges.
Raph’s blood chilled. He couldn’t get the image of the twins out of his mind, in a beautiful grassy field with Donnie determined and scared and in pain and Leo seemingly not on this planet, because there was no planet that he hurt Donnie like that. But Raph hadn’t known how to deal, because it surged even more uncomfortable memories of pink flesh and minds gone elsewhere and a tentacle wrapped around a throat — and.
And Leo was looking at Raph like he was expecting Raph to agree, because in the moment he’d snapped at him, he’d gotten defensive of Donnie and pushed Leo aside like he wasn’t hurting too. He had to make it right. He said, insistent, “That wasn’t your fault. You weren’t in your head really.”
But then Leo did something he didn’t expect. His face broke into a wide, delirious smile, and he said with relish, “Oh, mi hermano. That wasn’t what I was talking about.”
Raph could only stare. Heart pumping harder and harder at the uncanny valley smile and the gleeful way Leo seemed to be enjoying, but not really, but —
Raph didn’t know what to think. And he was terrified, in this moment, that he was going to have the wrong reaction again. That he was going to reinforce whatever sick game Leo was playing to try and make everyone else hate him as much as he did himself.
Raph inhaled. He considered the picture, and said, “I know you won’t believe me when I say that I love you no matter what happened in there. But it’s true. There’s nothing you could tell me that would change my mind.”
“Even if I hurt Donnie?” Leo challenged. He was shaking in Raph’s hold.
“I meant what I said.” Raph was stubborn. “You’re telling me you hurt Donnie in there. Okay. I hear you. But he’s okay. He’s swimming in a lake right now living his best life.”
Leo’s whole act fell again and he struggled to get it back on. He couldn't, voice small. “You don’t — I hurt him on purpose, Raph.”
That was hard. Raph couldn’t deny that was hard, and he didn’t get why Leo was trying to make it even harder for him to digest the information. Practically flinging it in his face. Self destructive. A locked bathroom door.
“Seems to me the person struggling the most with that is you.” Raph pointed out. “Certainly Donnie doesn't care, considering he has to be pulled away from you with a crow bar.”
“I hurt my twin, Raph.” Leo whispered, eyes out on the water. Dull and cold.
And yeah, no fucking reason Leo was having such a hard time coping. That was actually worse case scenario for Hamato Leonardo. Knowing Leo, he would’ve rathered taken a thousand hits himself than let Donnie take a single one. Let alone if he was the one administering it.
Which begged the most important question, really. He asked, “Why?”
“Why what?” Leo echoed, without turning his head.
“Why did you hurt him?”
Quiet. Wind over water. Chatter from below. Raph could feel the tremor running through Leo. His only saving grace was that Leo didn’t seem to have the strength to pull away from the hug. He laid in his arms like a lifeless doll — stiff and unmoving compared to the buttery melt of sleep earlier, like he could only enjoy something if he wasn’t conscious to deny himself.
“Does it matter?” Leo said, after an age. “I still hurt him. The justifications don’t change the result.”
“I know you, Leo.” Raph said simply. “You did not want to hurt him. Or else you wouldn’t care right now. Whatever happened — I’m sure there was no other choice.”
“I … “ Leo was staring so far off, shivering like he was cold. Raph felt about a thousand degrees in this sun, and tried to rub some warmth into the smaller arms in his grasp. Then Leo said, “I did have a choice. He gave me a choice.”
The word ‘he’ hit Raph like a brick wall. The reminder of the third player in this horror show. The old friend of anger knocking at his door. Raph’s voice was a mockery of normal when he asked, so incredibly careful and aware of the mine field he was standing in, “What choice?”
“Of … of who would hurt Donnie.”
Sick nausea rolled over Raph, making him shut his eyes for a brief second against it. That. That sounded like straight up torture. Was it the sword marks on the soft shell? Did it matter? Disgusting mind games, and boy did it fuck with Leo’s mind! Raph choked out, “Bud, that’s not a choice. That’s not a choice at all. You can’t — you.” And here was where Raph was going to fail, because he didn’t have the vocabulary, the flawless arguments to explain that it wasn't a choice, it was — it was something else that spoke of a lack of agency and a manipulation to fuck with his head and — and Leo was never going to believe him. Because this asshole had climbed into his baby brother's head and made him think that he was making choice to hurt the twin he’d rather die ten times over than ever hurt for even a minute. He couldn’t win over this monster. They needed the god damn therapist because the trauma had a chokehold that his words alone could not loosen.
“You did nothing wrong.” Raph’s stated finally, inadequate but something. It wasn’t enough. It definitely wasn’t enough, judging by the caverns that were once Leo’s warm gaze. Once his shy and sweet smile, something Raph wanted so desperately he could also put missing posters up for it.
“You shouldn’t have sat here with me this whole time.” Leo said instead of acknowledging, in a dead voice. “You should've gone swimming too.”
“Lake isn't going anywhere.” Raph shrugged.
A strained beat of silence. Leo asked in a damp voice, “Why won’t you let go of me?”
Raph really didn’t think his heart could be broken more and he was always so consistently proven wrong. He said, wholly, “Because I love you.”
It was somehow the wrong thing to say. Something shattered in Leo’s already dull eyes, and he turned his face away with a shudder.
Raph idly stroked the back of his neck again, but it didn’t have the same reaction. He’d gone so uncomfortable and motionless in his arms. That just wouldn’t do.
“Come on, it’s too hot out here.” Raph said, kicking off his shoes. “We’re going in the water.”
“I’m good.” Leo said, lifeless.
“Oh, I ain’t askin’.” Raph got up and brought the bundle of brother with him.
“Raph…” Leo provided just a touch of his little brother whine. It released just a bit of the agony – Leo was in there. Maybe he was still locked in a prison, but he was in there. "My shell."
"Trust me. Raph's got you." Raph said, and he meant it. He meant it with everything he had, if only he could reach through the bars and pull Leo from his dull and cold cell. For now, he could stride into the swaying cool water. An instant balm on his skin where it licked up his legs, skin sizzling hot from sitting so long in the sun. He maneuvered them around, rolling over to float like a large island and giving Leo his whole spiky shell to lounge on.
After a moment, Leo dipped his toes in the water and gave a barely-there sigh of relief. Skimming fingertips against the surface and flinging droplets at Donnie as he approached in his own float.
Donnie's eyes peaked over the surface tension, flickering a glance to Raph's. He looked a little nervous, so Raph tried to look reassuring, even though his heart was in shreds from what Leo just told him. He had no idea what to do with this new information but to hold onto it like a bomb.
Donnie floated alongside them, coming around the side and reaching up when Leo stretched a hand out to him.
“Don’t drag me in the water, Tello.” Leo said, weak and tired and undeniably serious about the request.
Donnie merely hummed and pressed his wet cheek to Leo’s hand. Raph didn’t have to be told the details to know, just from that sight alone, that Donnie had long since forgiven Leo for whatever he’d done.
It was just Leo who had to forgive himself. And Leo was so very good at holding grudges.