Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Is it possible to be in love with someone you’ve just met? Nick Nelson didn’t use to think so, but now that he’s got the most gorgeous, witty, kind and fascinating person he’s ever known in front of him, he has serious doubts.

This whole thing with Charlie, the boy he’s currently ogling shamelessly, began three months ago, at the beginning of the summer. Nick had finished his first year at Leeds and felt content. His education degree was as interesting as he hoped it’d be, his uni rugby mates were far more accepting of his bisexuality than his school teammates had been, and he’d managed to finish the year without getting into a fight with his annoyingly messy roommate. 

Uni was hard, though. Nick had never been good at focusing for long periods, and he struggled with self-motivation. He needed a clear framework to function; deadlines set months in advance didn’t work well for him. You’d think this would give him more time to study, but he inevitably forgot about them until the last minute. Nick was a hardworking student, though. He couldn’t bear the thought of failing an exam, resulting in all too many all-nighters that left him exhausted and feeling like an utter failure.

All in all, this had been a good, but tiring year. He’d been so busy with assignments and rugby training - not to mention finding a two-month placement in a primary school three months before the end of the school year - that, quite pathetically, he hadn’t found the time to make that many good friends. Admittedly, he was friendly with his teammates and sometimes got together with Tara and Darcy, two girls he’d met at the LGBTQIA+ soc, but they’d drifted apart a bit when the two girls had started dating. They became obsessed with each other, and hanging out with them only reminded Nick how lonely he was.

The thought of having failed to form any lasting friendship weighed on him. In school, he’d spent so much time trying to fit in that he’d sometimes betrayed his moral values by silently condoning his friends’ shitty behaviours, and he’d ended up hating himself for it. It’d taken Nick getting butterflies over a nerdy boy he saw in passing once to realise how fucked up his whole friend group was. Harry, the group's self-proclaimed leader, had thrown his rugby ball at the younger boy’s head on purpose, which made him topple over on the grass. All of Nick’s senses had screamed at him to go help the boy up, but he stood there, frozen in place by the realisation that he’d wasted his teenage years on a friend group led by an entitled moron like Harry Greene. In the following weeks, Nick tried to spot the boy’s mop of curly black hair at the picnic tables, or in the corridors, to apologise and maybe even introduce himself, but he never saw him again. 

A few months later, Nick realised he was bi after binge-watching Normal People four times in a row (he had to admit to himself that it wasn’t only for plot-related reasons when he hit play for the third time), and came to peace with the person that he truly was. He eventually came out and told Harry to go fuck himself if he wasn’t okay with his sexuality, but that wasn’t enough to erase all the harm that had been done. 

Nick resented himself for not pursuing more meaningful friendships while he was still in school. He’d promised himself he would get better at making friends in uni, but maybe he just wasn’t that likeable, despite what his mother said.

So that was that. Nick felt content at the end of his first year in Leeds but still yearned for more. He was only 19, for fuck’s sake! ‘Content’ wasn’t the best he could do, was it? Maybe that was what adult life was like, though. Feeling nothing, just existing and being thankful that nothing concretely wrong was happening. 

At the beginning of June, Nick decided to take action and sign up on a dating app. He hadn’t had the time, nor the energy, to try to date during the school year but, as he was packing up his suitcase, the realisation that he’d spent the majority of the year alone hit him like a truck. He had to actively try to meet people if he didn’t want next year to be a repeat of this one.

He opened the App Store and stared blankly at the home page. Nick realised then that he didn’t know any dating apps, apart from Tinder and Grindr, and he’d heard far too many horror stories to even try. Plus, he wasn’t looking for quick hook-ups and these apps didn’t exactly scream epic romance. Nick sighed and let himself fall back on his bed. He’d always dreamt of meeting someone organically: crossing eyes from afar, brushing pinkies and falling in love instantly; but he knew this wasn’t realistic, especially for someone like him. He couldn’t even make friends, let alone make someone fall for him.

Nick was just about to resign himself and close the App Store when he stumbled upon the Leeds University meeting-up app, designed to connect Leeds students. It couldn’t have been very popular because he’d never heard of it. The app had good reviews, though. Comments praised its many features, including the possibility to indicate on profiles if users were looking for romantic or platonic relationships. Nick straightened up. Meeting someone who went to the same uni as him would save him the heartbreak of falling for someone who studied on the other side of the country. Now intrigued, Nick kept on scrolling. While other commenters regretted the lack of pictures on profiles, this detail piqued Nick’s interest. His face was well-known on campus - thanks to the self-appointed community manager of the Leeds rugby team, who started posting pictures of him incessantly when he let it slip that he was single - and he liked the idea of making new acquaintances without expectations. Nick wanted people to like him, not the popular rugby lad who was expected to become captain in a few months.

On a whim, Nick downloaded the app and set up a profile. At the last minute, he decided to check the “friends” option as well as the "dating" one. As sad as it was, he couldn’t afford to be particular at this point. Any kind of genuine connection would be welcome. Then, he clicked on the home page and liked the first profile he saw there, not knowing that this decision would change his entire life.

💬💬

Nick was smitten. Considering he hadn’t had a crush in years, it was a bit funny how fast he caught feelings for the first (and only) person he talked to on the Leeds University app, but he didn’t find it in him to care. He’d been chatting with a boy called Charlie for something akin to three weeks now, and he was fairly sure he’d never encountered anyone so wonderful before. They hadn’t met - that’s what you got for signing up on a dating app designed for Leeds Uni students before returning to your hometown in Kent for the holidays - nor called, but Nick knew. Charlie was special.

Charlie Spring was a year and a half younger than Nick, and he played the drums, which automatically made him ten times cooler than Nick. With a record of being Head Boy and top of his class in both maths and English, he was a bit of a nerd, which Nick loved teasing him for. He felt butterflies in his belly every time Charlie began ranting about a particular piece of classic literature that Nick had never heard about, so he got into the habit of lovingly making fun of him to conceal how flustered his displays of intelligence made him feel.

While they got on very well and talked practically every hour of every day, there were some things they didn’t discuss. It wasn’t intentional (not on Nick’s part, anyway), but some topics never came up. Not explicitly, in any case. 

First, they didn’t discuss where they lived. Nick wouldn’t ask: if the younger boy wasn’t comfortable enough to share, he wouldn’t push him. It didn’t matter, regardless. Charlie would be studying at Leeds in a few months, and Nick could see him there. Hopefully. He didn’t want to admit it, but his desire to meet Charlie in real life grew more and more with every passing day. The boy had explained that he was fresh out of secondary school and that he wanted to get ahead and make friends before uni started. He hoped to get tips on student life in Leeds and maybe meet people so he could have familiar faces waiting for him on campus. This was far more foresight and effort than Nick had ever put into anything, and he admired Charlie for it.

Second, they never addressed the subject of dating. While they’d met on a dating app, Charlie sometimes acted like they’d met on the “friends” part of the site. Nick tried to not let it bother him, as some people were more timid than others. Charlie had mentioned wanting to make friends, even if his profile said he was looking for dates, but maybe that was just him being coy and unassuming since they hadn’t been talking for long. Their chemistry was undeniable, though. Plus, Nick had seen a pride flag in Charlie’s bio, so he hadn’t been shy with his flirting. 

Nick (7:12)

I dreamt of you last night

You didn’t have a face but I knew it was you

Charlie (9:57)

🥹

how did u know it was me tho? don’t tell me I was making maths puns or something idiotic like that bc I can guarantee I don’t do that irl

Nick (9:59)

You were drumming 🤩🤩

Also, don’t lie, I’m sure you do

Nerd

Charlie (10:03)

I think you may have had too many concussions, rugby lad, I’m way cooler than you think

Nick (10:03)

I never said you weren’t cool…

Charlie (10:04)

no, just that I am a gay nerd

Nick (10:05)

You’re my favourite gay nerd though 😊

Charlie (10:06)

fuck off xx

Charlie (10:10)

also, for future reference, here’s a face you can dream about 😏

Until then, Nick had had a feeling that Charlie was beautiful. Nobody was that exceptional without being a little bit breathtaking to look at. But he hadn’t had any proof. Now that he knew what the younger boy looked like, he could laugh at how wrong he’d been. Charlie wasn’t just beautiful… He was the most gorgeous person Nick had ever seen. Stunning didn’t cover it! He looked like the sky personified; blue, grey, and lit by a billion lights that warmed the skin of those privileged enough to catch his sight. His curls were the colour of a night spent thinking about human existence, and his lips the shade of life itself. Nick thought that would he die, this was the face he wanted to see last.

Before he knew it, Nick had stared at the photograph for four minutes straight.

Nick (10:14)

Oh my fucking god

Charlie (10:14)

what??

Nick (10:15)

Nothing

Charlie (10:15)

???

Would Charlie be okay with an honest answer? He had to be, after sending a picture accompanied with a message this flirty. Right? Nick was too lovestruck to be anything but transparent, anyway.

Nick (10:16)

You have CURLS 🫠

Charlie (10:16)

you scared me, you moron!! I thought there was something wrong with my face

Nick (10:18)

I wouldn’t say that, no

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god!

Nick tried very hard not to let it show in his messages, but he was panicking. How had he managed to land on the most attractive human on the entire planet by sending a message to the first profile he ever found?! What were the chances that he would come across an interesting person who seemed to understand him perfectly, and who was this nice to look at?! Bless the Leeds Uni meeting-up app, and bless Charlie for being nice enough to talk to him. 

How would Nick ever compare, though?

Charlie (10:22)

so

wbu?

Nick (10:23)

What?

Nick’s brain was fried. He couldn’t think of anything besides Charlie’s angelic face and kissable cheeks.

Charlie (10:24)

don’t you want me to dream of you? I need a pic, too

Nick dropped his phone, and his heart rate shot up in an instant. “Dream of him”?! Did Charlie want to kill him?! His insides melted faster than snowflakes on Nellie’s snout. This was the flirtiest Charlie had ever been, and Nick loved it. He also dreaded sending a picture of him.

He was conscious of the fact that he chose this app partially because it didn’t allow to send pictures, but they’d exchanged numbers four days in, and they were far past the stage of being simple acquaintances. Charlie was the first person he talked to in the mornings and the last one he chatted with in the evenings. He hadn’t expressed any particular interest when Nick had revealed that he was part of the famous Leeds Uni rugby team, and he earned his trust. He was definitely here because he liked Nick, not to win popularity points. 

However, sending Charlie a picture would be a good way to gauge his reaction and determine if he was romantically interested in him. This was a good thing, but Nick couldn’t help but feel anxious about it. What if Charlie didn’t find him attractive and stopped talking to him? No, Charlie wouldn’t do that. Even if he wasn’t interested, Nick liked to believe that they’d become good friends. In any case, he had to take a chance.

Nick didn’t know if he should take a new picture or if there was one that would be good in his gallery. What should he show Charlie? What was his best attribute? He was often complimented on his arms, but Charlie had only shown his face. It would be weird to send him a gym selfie, wouldn’t it? Maybe something to highlight his hair would be good? But his carrot-coloured strands couldn’t compete with the ebony magnificence of Charlie’s shiny curls…

Nick’s phone, which had been abandoned on the floor, pinged with another message.

Charlie (10:27)

only if you want, of course

sorry, I was just joking. you don’t have to send anything

Nick (10:29)

Char!! Relax, I want to 😊 I’m just trying to find something to send you

Charlie (10:30)

…"Char"?

Oh, fuck. He let it slip out. Nick had been calling him that in his head for weeks, but he never planned on saying it to his face! What if Charlie thought it was too much? Nick had been told he was a bit full-on in the past, and giving a nickname to a brand new friend wasn’t the chillest thing he’d ever done. Quick, he needed a distraction! With trembling hands, Nick clicked on the picture icon at the bottom of the screen. Suddenly, his sweaty fingers slipped, and he sent the most recent picture without meaning to.

Nick (10:30)

Fuck!!!

Charlie (10:31)

you’re… an adorable border collie??? 🤨

don’t get me wrong, I did get puppy vibes from you, but I wasn’t expecting an actual dog lmaooo

no wonder you’re so good with balls 🤭

Thank god his most recent picture was only Nellie. Charlie probably thought he was a complete idiot, though. Or completely hideous, and trying to distract him with doggy photographs to avoid showing his face to him.

Nick (10:31)

Fuck, sorry!! I obviously didn’t mean to send that 😭

Charlie (10:32)

who’s this little guy???? 😍😍

Nick forced himself to stop overthinking this. He gave up trying to find a pic where he could show off his best features and selected his favourite selfie, which he thought represented him well.

Nick (10:33)

Ah, she’s a girl, actually

Charlie, meet Nellie (and me) x

Charlie (10:36)

oh

😍🫠🥰🥹

hi Nellie 🥰 (and Nick, I guess 😌) 

Nick let out a gusty sigh of relief. He couldn’t read Charlie’s reaction very well (the smileys he used were most likely addressed to Nellie) but this could have gone far worse. So, that was it. Charlie knew what he looked like. He just had to hope that he liked what he saw.

Charlie (10:37)

also don’t think you’ve gotten away with calling me “Char”!!

Nick burst out laughing as a rosy blush bloomed on his cheeks, like the pink petals of a four-o’clock flower opening at nightfall. He was in big, big trouble…

Chapter Text

As weeks went by, Nick and Charlie got closer and closer, and Nick’s feelings developed way deeper than he’d ever anticipated. Charlie was the most wonderful person he’d ever known, and undoubtedly the best friend he’d ever had. With each of his messages came a flutter of joy and excitement in Nick’s stomach. He was working in his local cinema five days a week with an older man called Alan whom he didn’t see much during the day; so Nick had plenty of time to chat with Charlie as the projections were mainly automated nowadays. 

Nick usually woke up before Charlie, but the younger boy got to bed later than he did, so he got up to a message from him every day, to which he answered with his own good morning text. In the evenings, they played video games online or watched movies together, but they never called. They’d never sent audio messages, either, and Nick was getting desperate to hear the sound of Charlie’s voice. He was sure it sounded sweeter than cherry pie, and he was yearning to get a taste of it. He just didn’t know how to broach the subject and was afraid Charlie might say no. 

For now, though, the messages and the nights spent together were enough, and for the first time in his life, Nick Nelson didn’t feel lonely. Even Tara and Darcy had reached out, making plans to catch up with him in September. They said they missed him and wanted to spend more time hanging out in the future. It was August of 2023, and it was the happiest he’d ever been. 

Then came the 15th. It was a bank holiday in France, and Nick had taken the day off because he and his mum were expecting his dad to fly from Paris to join them for dinner. To Nick’s dismay, his brother David had made the trip from Scotland as well. He’d arrived the night before and hadn’t stopped pestering Nick about his love life. As usual, he was dismissive of his bisexuality and kept asking “how many hot girls” he’d managed to “get with” during his first year at Leeds. David’s questions made Nick’s belly twist with discomfort, but the older man didn’t stop despite his brother’s protests. 

Nick was painfully aware that he was currently crushing on a boy to whom he talked to (and flirted with) daily, and got scared his brother would snoop in his phone and discover Charlie’s texts. So he turned it off on a whim after sending his usual good morning message and tried to forget about it for the rest of the day. Pathetically, a few hours without contact with the younger boy were enough for Nick to miss him, but it was the first time in years that his whole family would be reunited, and Nick was vibrating with nervous anticipation. He had to focus on his relatives and try to enjoy this day.

Come 7 p.m., it was clear that Stéphane wouldn’t show up. Nick was so furious that he forgot all about his phone. How disrespectful it was to Sarah, who’d spent hours in the kitchen to cook them a good meal! Nick had refused to work shifts at the cinema so that he could be home. David was getting on Nick’s nerves, but he had travelled from another country just to see his father, and he deserved more consideration than that. They all did. 

With Stéphane’s absence came the same feelings of self-loathing that Nick had spent years trying to repress. After a late dinner spent in frustrated silence despite Sarah’s attempts at conversation, Nick bolted from his seat and went on a run. He didn’t really like running outside of rugby, but he had to burn off his anger somehow. He was pissed off with his dad, who never showed any ounce of interest towards them, but he was mostly pissed off with himself. How could he believe anything that his father said after all these years?! Nick was astounded by his own naivety. 

Soon enough, his fury turned into hurt, and the thoughts started circling in his head like a rosary of poorly disguised taunts. With each step came another harsh realisation. 

It wasn’t surprising that he didn’t manage to make any friends in an entire year: there was nothing to love about him. Even his own father didn’t like him. Even Charlie wouldn’t be his friend if he got to know him in real life. Nick was only bearable through a screen, kept at a distance, far enough that his dullness didn’t yet sully their interactions.

Most importantly, Charlie would never date Nick. He would get bored of him and eventually stop texting. Then, Nick would be all alone again.

This stopped him in his tracks instantly. He hadn’t realised he was breathless until he’d stopped running. Nick was wheezing as he crouched on the concrete, suddenly very aware of the tears that’d rolled down his burning cheeks. He briskly brushed them with the back of his sleeve, ashamed of this effusion of feelings. How many more times did this have to happen before Nick got the message? He shook his head at himself.

Enough self-flagellation. He had to head back now if he wanted to be back before sundown. 

💬💬

Once he was back in his bed, fresh out of a scalding hot shower that did nothing to quell his pounding headache, Nick finally turned his phone back on. He was dying to talk to Charlie, even if a part of him feared the heartbreak that would inevitably come if he discovered that the younger boy hadn’t noticed his absence throughout the day.  

He couldn’t have been more wrong. When the screen of his phone finally lit up, multiple messages from Charlie appeared in rapid succession.

Charlie (10:12)

morning Nick 😊

what are you up to today?

Charlie (12:23)

omg did you go back to sleep?? good thing you’re not working today, Alan would have kicked your arse 🤭

Charlie (17:27)

Niiiiiick

I’m having Nellie withdrawals, I want my picture of the day :(

Charlie (20:59)

I swear I’ll stop pestering you. I just wanted to say I hope I haven’t said or done anything wrong. and I hope you’re alright.

Warmth bloomed in Nick’s chest. Charlie did care. Then, as soon as it came, the warmth was replaced by a crushing sense of guilt. The feeling wrapped around his heart like a fishing net, squeezing tight until sea water poured out of him. However, the salty tears that blurred his vision did nothing to loosen the knot that twisted his guts. Charlie had worried because of his stupidly selfish self, and Nick had to make it right.

Nick had to talk to Charlie. Actually talk. As in hear his voice, and discuss verbally. He’d wanted to for weeks, now. How many times had he found himself hovering over the call button, changing his mind at the very last second for fear of getting rejected and making things weird with Charlie… He couldn’t take it anymore, though. Nick felt awful, and he needed his best friend.

With shaking hands, Nick opened his contacts, clicked on Charlie’s name and took the plunge. As the dial tone rang, he closed his eyes and sank into his sheets. The hammering of his heart was so strong that he felt it in his toes, his heartstrings tugging at his feet like a wooden marionette.

Then, there was a distinctive click. Charlie had picked up. 

At first, none of them spoke. Nick only breathed into the phone, frozen in fear. That was it. This was the first time he would hear Charlie, and Charlie him.

“...Nick?” A voice finally called, clear and soft like sea water between Nick’s fingers. “Nick, are you alright?”

“Char…” Nick could only pronounce one broken word before he started sobbing. He hadn’t meant to cry, but hearing Charlie’s voice felt like coming home after a long day of peregrination. He was enveloped by it as if he was in a fluffy winter coat or a warm motherly embrace. The disproportionate sense of relief that Nick felt from one sentence should have surprised him, but it didn’t. It was so powerful that it brought all his emotions to the surface in an instant, as if he was drowning and Charlie’s voice pulled him out of the water in one fell swoop. 

In just two months, Charlie had come to mean everything to him, and he wondered why he hadn’t called him sooner.

“Oh, Nick…” Charlie breathed, his voice achingly soft.

“I’m - sorry,” Nick hiccuped pathetically. “I swear I didn’t mean to cry. Sorry…”

“Don’t apologise, love,” Charlie chastised tenderly. Despite his tears, Nick’s belly filled with butterflies at the use of the pet name. The novelty of Charlie’s voice combined with the fondness he could hear in it made his heart burn with a thousand fires. It warmed his insides with the soft glow of Charlie’s affection, and Nick instantly felt better. 

Charlie waited patiently until Nick calmed down, shushing him comfortingly once in a while.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Charlie eventually prodded, his voice gentle as ever.

“It’s stupid, really…”

“Nick. I’ve known you for what - two months now? We talk every single day. Never on the phone, though. I don’t think it’s stupid if it made you upset enough to call me.”

Oh, fuck. Was it a mistake? Charlie was right, they never called despite talking every day, so there must have been a reason, right? He probably didn’t want to talk to him, let alone listen to his stupid problems.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I’ve called, I won’t bother you anymo-”

“Ni-ick!” Charlie exclaimed through exasperated laughter. “No s-word, please. I’m so glad you called. I’m just… Surprised. It’s a bit strange to hear your voice after spending 70 days trying to imagine it.”

“You’ve counted the days since we met?” Nick asked with unconcealed awe in his voice, momentarily distracted from his self-conscious spiral. This was so endearing, and just so Charlie that it made his heart soar with affection.

Caught off guard, Charlie let out an embarrassed chuckle before regrouping quickly:

“I didn’t need to,” he denied with levity. “My brain’s a calculator. It can’t be stopped. It’s both a blessing and a curse…” Charlie sighed deeply to make a show of his fake affliction.

This time, Nick burst out laughing for real. It was the first time he’d done so all day.

“Nerd.”

“Here he is!” Charlie giggled fondly, delight and warmth shining through his words. 

Nick couldn’t help but smile at the sound. It was marvellous, it sounded better than the chorus of his favourite song and sent tingles throughout his whole being. Suddenly, the blonde felt a bit breathless, but it had nothing to do with his previous crying.

“Anyway. You can talk to me about it. If you want.” All of a sudden, Charlie sounded slightly nervous, for a reason that Nick didn’t understand.

Nick took some deep breaths and wiped his tears. There was still an unpleasant weight pressing on his chest, but it didn’t feel as crushing as it did ten minutes ago. He felt like he could finally talk about it. Most importantly, he wanted to, which was totally unheard of for him.

“You know how I wasn’t working today?”

Charlie hummed affirmatively.

“Well, it was for a reason. It’s a bank holiday today in France, and my dad was supposed to fly in and have dinner with Mum, David and me.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“That’s because I didn’t tell you. I was afraid he wouldn’t come and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. And guess what? I did exactly that anyway.” Nick laughed bitterly. “I knew he would bail on us - because that’s what he always does - I knew it, and still, I let myself hope! I’m so fucking stupid…”

The self-loathing came back faster than a bullet train. Nick laid on his side and brought his legs towards his chest in a protective manner. He wished Charlie was there with him to cuddle him, touch his hair and tell him he was going to be okay.

“Nick. No. Absolutely not. You’re not stupid for trusting people,” Charlie asserted firmly. “You’re especially not stupid for trusting your father’s word. This says more about him than it does about you, honestly. He’s the stupid one for missing out on spending time with you.”

“I just…” Nick let out a little wet laugh, tears once again filling up his eyes. His voice started shaking, but he powered through with gritted teeth. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, after all this time, but I don’t understand it. Why doesn’t he care about us? Why doesn’t he care about me?” A sniffle interrupted him. “And if my own father doesn’t care about me, why would others, you know? Why should I bother getting close to people if, in the end, everyone’s gonna leave?”

“Oh, Nick... Is that why you ignored me all day?” His tone was soft enough that Nick didn’t mistake his question for an accusation. Charlie must have realised how his words might have sounded as they left his mouth, though, because he let out a little gasp and rushed to explain himself . “God, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant…” He exhaled a gusty sigh, seemingly lost for words. “I got a bit worried because you’re the first person I talk to every day, and when you didn’t answer me… Anyway, we’re not here to talk about me. I’m so sorry your father doesn’t realise what a good, kind, and wonderful human you are. But like I said, that’s his loss. Please, please don’t shut yourself up from love because of your idiot of a dad’s behaviour. I’m sure he’d want to spend time with you if he’d actually made an effort to know you. I know we haven’t known each other long, but you’re the best part of my day, Nick. Never doubt that. Even when I forget to put my phone on silent and your messages wake me up at insane hours of the morning, I’m grateful for you. You’re worth everything good, Nick.”

Nick’s breath left him a bit more with each of Charlie’s words. He felt more winded than he did after nasty tackles at rugby practice. The enormity of his feelings for the younger boy suddenly caught up with him, and he felt ready to explode with it. Emotion infiltrated his whole self like little pebbles filling up his shoes, and Nick found himself overwhelmed by an affection he wasn’t used to receiving from anyone except his mum.

“God, you’re not very good at making me stop crying…” Nick joked shakily. He was actually laughing now, and his sad tears were joined with joyous ones. He was overflowing with fondness for his friend (although he saw Charlie as something more than a friend, he didn’t want to make assumptions) and literal pearls of endearment were rolling down his cheeks.

“Well, I’m just telling the truth...” Charlie sounded a bit bashful, now, and the implication of his sudden shyness made Nick’s stomach flutter.

“Thank you, Charlie, I really…” Nick stopped himself, not really knowing what he wanted to say. He hadn’t felt anything this strong for someone before, and he was a bit lost for words. “Thank you. You’re the best part of my day, too. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me this year.” 

“You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Nick thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to say that just yet.

“I’m sorry I didn't answer you all day,” he said instead. “I got scared my brother would look through my phone. You know how he gets… So I turned it off.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad we’re okay,” Charlie answered sweetly. 

“Of course, we’re okay, Char… Honestly, I can’t ever see myself being upset with you.”

Charlie giggled, clearly pleased. Nick wanted to know if he was blushing. He wanted to know if Charlie felt the same warmth in his belly that he did whenever he heard his name leaving the other boy’s mouth. He wanted to kiss those pretty lips he caught glimpses of in passing in Charlie’s selfies and run his hand through the curls that occupied his dreams since he saw them for the first time.

Ugh, Nick was down bad. How could he miss someone he’d never met? How could he crave Charlie’s presence so much that he could actually feel the void around his neck, where Charlie’s arms would wrap themselves if they hugged?

“How can you say that?” Charlie asked. “We haven’t even met.”

Nick took a breath and went for it. He wanted to meet Charlie, more than anything in the whole world, and to hell with the consequences. The game was worth the candle.

“We will, soon.”

Nick almost didn’t hear Charlie’s breath hitch amongst the static.

“Will we?”

“Yeah. There’s this party at the beginning of September that Tara’s organising with a few other students… I want you to come. With me.”

“You want me to come?” Charlie asked with more awe in his voice than Nick’s offer warranted.

“Please.”

“Okay… Cool. Hm- Yeah, cool,” Charlie answered, and Nick could hear him trying to conceal his smile from his face, his tone falsely neutral. Nick could burst with joy! He would finally meet Charlie! When the younger boy talked again, his speech was fast, as if he wanted to get it all out before Nick could withdraw his offer. “I’ll bring friends so that you don’t have to babysit me all night. They go to a different uni, but they begin a week later than us and they’ll be here to help me move, anyway. I know you probably have a lot of people you’ll want to see after the end of break...”

The thought was ludicrous to Nick. Why would he want to speak to anyone else when Charlie, his best friend and favourite person in the whole world (besides his mum) would be there?! Nick didn't know what pushed him to be honest, but he felt compelled to admit the truth to Charlie. He wanted Charlie to know the real him. 

“I, uh… No. Not really, no.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I’m not… Fuck, this is so embarrassing. I think I’m not very good at making…  friends.” 

Nick winced and pressed his fingers into his eyelids until he saw stars. This was the first time he’d said this out loud. Telling this to Charlie didn’t feel too scary, though. Embarrassing, but not scary. Nick knew Charlie would never make fun of him for being vulnerable. If he hadn’t known it before, tonight had been the proof of it. 

“What? But you know so many people!” Charlie cried out. “You have stories about everyone, from the rugby players to that girl who plays bass in the local pub’s band!”

“Yeah, I guess I do know quite a few people,” Nick admitted quietly. “I just… I never… I think I find it hard to let people in? There are a few people I genuinely like, like Tara and Darcy, but… Yeah.” He laughed awkwardly. The silence that followed stretched for a good ten seconds. Weirdly, Nick didn’t feel the need to fill it. When Charlie talked again, his voice was infinitely soft.

“Do you often feel lonely, then?”

The question was devoid of any judgment, but it brought out a pang in his heart. He felt seen for the first time. Everyone assumed he was so happy and well-surrounded because he was popular, but what did that even mean? He’d been popular his whole life, and he’d never felt close to anyone. 

Well, until 70 days ago, that is.

“Yeah,” Nick chuckled self-deprecatingly. “Even with people around, I feel like I’m watching myself from above. Like I can’t get through myself to really talk to them. It’s exhausting. It’s like I’m always alone within myself.”

Nick didn’t realise he felt that way until the words left his mouth. Suddenly, it was like a weight had been lifted off his chest. Just like that, he felt lighter than he’d had in years. He didn’t have to pretend anymore. 

On the other side of the call, he heard Charlie’s soft breathing start and stop a few times as if he was trying to figure out what to say.

“...Do you feel alone now?” He finally asked in a tentative murmur.

Nick didn’t have to think about it. He knew the answer immediately.

“No. I never feel lonely when I’m talking to you.”

“Good.” Nick couldn’t see Charlie, but he could hear his smile.

After this, they continued talking into the night, uncaring of the slumbering world around them. Nick caught himself closing his eyes and hugging a pillow close to his chest, imagining it was Charlie, but he didn't chastise himself for it. As their voices became heavier with sleep, Nick’s mind felt lighter and lighter, like a feather twirling in the summer breeze of Charlie’s breath.

“Go to sleep, Nick,” Charlie murmured hours later. “I’m here. You can rest now.”

When Nick woke up early to go to work, he felt more rested than ever before. He smiled at the sight of his right hand still clasping his phone. When he unlocked it, a new text was waiting for him:

Charlie (1:36)

Thank you for calling. I missed you 💛

Nick promised himself then and there that he wouldn’t let Charlie slip away. He was the most remarkable person he’d ever known, and he would fight to stay in his life for as long as possible.

Chapter Text

For the first time in his life, Nick couldn’t wait for the summer to end. It was unexpected after the underwhelming year he’d spent, but the last few months had been incredible: he hadn’t had a single assignment to complete, he’d spent plenty of time with his mum and the dogs, and he’d managed to make a bit of money with minimal effort. Also, there was Charlie. Nick nearly swooned every time he thought about his new friend. He was actually the reason that Nick was so excited to go back to uni. With every passing day, he felt more impatient to meet the younger boy. 

After their first time talking on the phone, they’d just never stopped. They were calling almost every night, and they’d even upgraded to Facetime when Charlie jokingly implied he was afraid of being catfished by an elderly man who was “strangely good with technology, since the Leeds Uni App is so difficult to navigate.” Nick had burst out laughing at this, before clicking on the Facetime button without a second thought.

“Oh,” Charlie had breathed. It’d taken Nick raising his eyebrows inquisitively for him to talk again. “Hi, you,” he’d said in a soft voice that did things to Nick’s insides, before startling the older boy by taking a ridiculously whiny voice: “Look at that, you’re a real boy!”

They’d spent their time sending each other their favourite vines and funny TikToks, and had taken the habit of mimicking the awful voice of Pauly Shore in the 2022 Pinocchio movie when saying basically anything. They’d been doing that for a few days at this point, and it still made Nick laugh furiously. He realised how ridiculously enamoured he was, but he didn’t care. He was showing his most vulnerable side to Charlie - the silly part of him who cracked jokes without worrying if they would land, as well as the sensitive one who admitted to crying in front of RSPCA commercials - and the other boy went along every time without batting an eye. 

When Charlie had finally shown his face on camera, Nick had to blame his burning cheeks on the heat wave. If Charlie had heard the loud blast of the air-con, he hadn’t mentioned it. Nick had barely managed to hold back from shaking his head in disbelief. How would he react when he would finally see Charlie in real life if this was his reaction to seeing him through six inches of phone screen?!

Nick’s birthday was around the corner, but for once, he didn’t dread it. Despite Sarah’s greatest efforts, the day was usually pretty sorrowful since his father perpetually found a new way to disappoint him. This time around, though, he wasn’t expecting much from Stéphane. He’d learned his lesson, finally. On the night of his first phone call with Charlie, he’d vowed to only focus on people who mattered from now on, which is to say people who cared. This meant that his mum and Charlie’s birthday wishes were the only ones he really needed to be happy this year.

When the fourth of September actually came and Nick blew out his candles, he was surprised to receive messages from a few of his uni acquaintances, including Tara, Darcy, Sai, Otis and Christian. The rugby lads informed him that they would most likely be in the same dorm as him this year and created a group chat for the occasion, which soon became filled with blow-by-blow match reviews and sport-related memes. Nick imagined sending these to Charlie and laughed to himself when he pictured the look of bewilderment it would bring out on the younger boy’s face. He often found himself ranting about his favourite players’ stats to Charlie (and in turn, Nick would hear all about various indie bands that he’d never heard of), but it was nice to talk to people who actually shared his interest in rugby from time to time. 

The girls reiterated their desire to spend more time with him this year and offered to get brunch together the following Sunday when they’d all be back in Leeds. Nick was a bit apprehensive about telling them that he would have to quit going to the LGBT soc in favour of rugby, since it was anticipated that he would make it as the new team captain, but they took it well and made him promise he would still show up to the parties they would throw. He agreed heartily.

All in all, Nick’s 21st birthday was perhaps the best he’d ever had since he got Nellie as a gift fourteen years ago. The most special part, unsurprisingly, had been Charlie's presence throughout the day, despite the fact he hadn’t actually been there - they still didn't know where the other one lived, after all. He’d still found a way to make Nick feel celebrated. Charlie had texted him at midnight on the dot, stating that he wanted to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. Then, he’d called at exactly 8:37 since it was the time when he was born. Nick didn’t even recall telling him that. Charlie always remembered little details about his life, and the thought of him caring enough to do so was slightly overwhelming. In a very, very good way.

At the end of the day, when the sun had set behind the trees and the birds had stopped singing, Nick got into bed. His mum had taken the day off to have lunch with him at his favourite restaurant and they’d had a great time, but he was looking forward to his nightly phone call with Charlie, as he often was. He was wondering if he was more in the mood for a movie, a video game, or just talking with Charlie when his phone buzzed with a message.

Charlie (20:17)

i have a birthday surprise for u

but if you laugh, i’ll find where your house is and i’ll steal all your rugby trophies

plus your marvel dvds

i don’t even care

i would have gone for nellie and henry but i love them too much, and they don’t deserve to be punished for ur sins

Another surprise?! God, Nick liked Charlie so much… He’d already done more for him than any of his so-called friends ever had when he was in school. What more could he have in store?

Nick (20:20)

Char!! Stop threatening my dogs and just spit it out 😂

Also, when have I ever laughed at you??

Charlie (20:21)

excuse-me, who’s this? i thought i was talking to this boy who calls me a nerd all the time??

Nick (20:21)

Pffff, that’s different! You know I don’t mean it in a bad way 😘

Charlie (20:22)

yeah, right 🙄

Nick (20:22)

Stop stalling Char, I want to know what’s my surprise!!!! 

Nick was nearly vibrating with curiosity and anticipation. A surprise from Charlie was just about the most thrilling thing he could imagine. Whatever it was, he was sure it was amazing. It came from Charlie. His Charlie. The boy he’d known and liked for nearly three months now, although it felt like much longer. He’d cared enough to call him in the morning because that was his time of birth - even though he never got up before 9 a.m. during the holidays - and thought of a gift for Nick. Charlie was an outstanding human being, and he still was nervous about his surprise. So Nick decided to do what he was best at and be honest about his feelings in hopes of appeasing the younger boy’s worries. 

Nick (20:24)

Come on. Pretty please? 🥺🙏 

I’m sure it’s great, whatever it is. If it comes from you, then there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll love it 💙

Charlie (20:26)

okay.

Nick (20:26)

Yay!!! Should I call you?

Charlie (20:26)

NO

Nick (20:27)

Oh, okay 😅

Charlie (20:28)

it’s just that… it’s a bit embarrassing, and I’m anxious about your reaction. 

so, yeah. i hope you’ll like it.

[Video]

The thumbnail of the video showed Charlie sitting behind his drumkit, wooden sticks in hands. The combination of the instrument and the soft expression on his face was enough to stop Nick’s heart completely. His dimples were on show as well, like little commas that could pause the sentence of Nick’s breaths instantly.

Oh, god.

Nick forced himself to inhale deeply to calm the erratic beating of his heart. Was it what he thought it was? Was Charlie finally showing him how he played the drums after weeks of him begging for it? Charlie had admitted to playing rather quickly, but he’d always been too self-conscious to send him videos, claiming that he wasn’t good enough and that Nick would be disappointed when he would actually see him play. Nick was convinced he wouldn’t. 

After staring at the stopped video for another twenty seconds, he gave himself a shake and clicked start with a trembling hand. There was Charlie, smiling nervously at the camera. The phone was set up in front of him so that only his upper body was visible. Charlie leaned somewhere offscreen, and music started playing. Nick recognised the song immediately: it was Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac, his absolute favourite. Warmth flooded his entire bloodstream as Charlie started banging his drums in rhythm with the actual song.

For the first time since they’d met, Nick was glad he wasn’t on the phone with Charlie. He wouldn’t have known what to say. He was absolutely speechless, and his eyes were rapidly filling with tears. Nick was overflowing with emotion, and this was the only way his body knew how to react to it. This video was perhaps the most thoughtful gift he’d ever received. It was also proof of Charlie’s unlimited generosity. Nick knew that playing the drums was sacred to Charlie, and something that he did when he needed to unwind or process negative emotions. Now, he’d played in front of other people during school shows, of course, but Nick had the intuition that he’d never let go like this in a public setting. This was Charlie in a very vulnerable position, and Nick couldn’t believe how lucky he was to see him like this.

When Charlie began singing under his breath, probably thinking it wouldn’t be audible on the video, Nick knew that he was completely and utterly done for. More than ever, Charlie looked like the sky. In fact, in just three months, he’d become the whole universe. He was a sun and a moon at the same time, responsible for both the warming of Nick's skin and the torrent of affection crashing against his chest. From now on, any light would feel weak compared to the brightness of his smile, and when Nick would close his eyes, he would still see his face, because it was ingrained in his retinas.

“You know that I’m falling

And I don’t know what to say

Come along, baby

We better make a start

You better make it soon

Before you break my heart

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere…”

Once Nick got used to the idea of Charlie serenading him with his favourite song, emotion was slowly replaced by lust. Nick wasn’t used to this feeling, but the way Charlie’s curls were bouncing on his forehead with the force of his movements made him feel… Things. He never really imagined himself having sex with people he saw in real life, and hardly ever caught himself wanting to kiss people either, but Charlie was different. Back when he saw his picture for the first time, they’d already known each other quite well, and he’d wanted to plant his lips on his. This video was taking things even further, though.

When Charlie threw his head back during a particularly complex part of the song, Nick’s eyes travelled down the long expanse of his slightly tanned neck. Charlie’s lids were closed and his mouth was slightly parted, the corners stretched in a relaxed smile. He was completely lost in the music and to Nick’s demise, the perfect picture of ecstasy.

Nick felt his stomach tighten with desire. He wanted to bury his fists in Charlie’s dark hair and kiss him until he was too breathless to even think about singing. He wanted to trail the entire length of his neck with his mouth and press his lips there so that lovebites mapped a rosy path to his bony clavicle. He wanted to lift him up in his arms and to have Charlie wrap his legs around his hips to maintain his balance. Nick dreamed of pushing him against a wall, and drawing breathy whines from his mouth… He wanted him like he’d never wanted anyone before. He just… wanted. All of him. 

These thoughts were very unusual for Nick, but they weren’t unwelcome. When it came to Charlie, Nick had accepted long ago that his rationality wasn’t in charge.

As the song came to an end, Charlie reopened his eyes and chuckled bashfully before shaking his head as if to get out of his music-induced trance. The little movement was so incredibly endearing that it also served to get Nick out of his own daze, which was of another kind. Charlie’s shyness was back as soon as it had disappeared when he started playing, his eyes avoiding the camera lens as if they were Nick’s eyes.

“So, uh, yeah. Happy birthday, Nick. I hope you had an amazing day. You really… You really deserve it.”

It was hard to tell since his room was so dark, but Nick could have sworn that Charlie’s cheeks were tinged with red. Then, he seemed to catch himself, and he looked straight at the camera. 

“Okay, bye!”

The video cut there.

Well, fuck. 

Nick let out a gusty breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. That was something else. Did Charlie feel it, too, then? You don’t film yourself playing a love song for your friend’s birthday if you don’t have feelings for them, do you? Nick felt so much. He would be happy if Charlie reciprocated at least a fraction of his affection. 

In any case, Nick would give Charlie the biggest hug when they would finally meet at Tara’s party. Four more days to go… He couldn’t wait. Until then, he would scream his gratefulness at Charlie over the phone… and maybe watch the video thirty more times.

💬💬

Nick Nelson is just twenty-one years old, and he is in love. He’s watching Charlie Spring laugh at something he just said - he’s not sure what, he’s on autopilot and probably spitting nonsense anyway - and he just knows. It may be silly to realise it now; hell, it’s absolutely bonkers to be in love with someone he only just met in person for the first time, but there is no denying it, is there? Charlie is his best friend, they’re meeting tonight for the first time, and Nick is in love with him. All three of these statements can be true at the same time.

The night had started rather innocuously, except for the gigantic grin that Nick had been sporting since he’d woken up that morning. Charlie hadn’t arrived yet, and the rugby player was nearly skipping with how impatient and excited he was. He wished he could say he was hiding it well, but Darcy noticed immediately when her and Tara greeted him at the door. 

“What’s got you smiling like that, Nicky boy?! I’ve never seen your face be so expressive before!” She exclaimed enthusiastically while throwing her arm around his shoulders. The task wasn’t easy since she was relatively shorter than him, but she didn’t let it deter her and stood clumsily on the tip of her toes. 

“Have you really missed us that much?” Tara teased kindly, her dark eyes glinting with mischief. Nick realised then that he really had. They were sweet and attentive people, and he wanted to get closer to them this year.

“Well, I have, but it’s not that. I’m meeting a, um… a friend here tonight. We haven’t actually met before, but I think I really-”

“OI, NELSON!” A booming voice interrupted before he could mention Charlie to the girls. 

It was his mate Otis followed by Sai and Christian. The three were inseparable. All of them gave him a bro hug before introducing themselves to Tara and Darcy. They were loud but far more gentle than Nick remembered. They asked questions to the girls about their respective courses and caught him up with everything that’d already gone down in the dormitories this week while Nick was still in Kent. They chatted for a bit, and Nick was reminded of how much fun they actually were. All in all, the night was off to a great start. The only thing missing was Charlie Spring.

💬💬

Now that the girls are gone to greet other people, Nick waits for the moment his guts will twist uncomfortably and his breath will shorten with stress, but it doesn't come. The voices telling him that the rugby lads only talk to him out of interest or obligation are quiet for once, and he finds himself more relaxed than he’s ever felt around people from Leeds. The crowd of familiar faces around him doesn’t feel overwhelming, and the smiles sent his way don’t seem as artificial as they used to. They aren’t the lips he longs to see, though. Nick’s fingers are flexing against his thigh as he imagines Charlie’s hand in his. He wonders what he’ll do when he’ll see the boy for the first time. Will they hug? Will they kiss passionately, uncaring of the people around them? No, that’s crazy. They’ve literally never met before.

Nick is thinking that he’ll hopefully be strong enough to keep himself from burying his hand in Charlie’s hair when his ears catch something. It’s only one syllable, shouted from the other side of the room, barely audible amongst the brouhaha. Nick hears it clearly, though. He would recognise this voice everywhere. This voice has soothed him as he cried on the phone. This voice has teased him relentlessly when he admitted to watching Downton Abbey with his mum, and enjoying it.

“Nick!!”

Nick turns around faster than a spinning-top. The sea of people seems to part before him, revealing the man Nick has been dreaming of for weeks. This is it. Charlie Spring is standing just ahead of him, and Nick thinks he won’t ever be able to look away again. Nick’s mouth is half-open in shock, but the thought doesn’t really register, so he does nothing to close it. He’s too enthralled by Charlie’s crooked smile and the way he’s shyly staring at the floor as he’s walking towards him. He’s even more beautiful in real life. He’s engulfed in an oversized cardigan that covers his palms, and his curls bounce with each step. He’s the most adorable person Nick has ever seen. When Charlie arrives at his level, Nick realises he’s only got a few inches on him. A perfect height difference for bone-crushing hugs.

Then, Charlie finally lifts his gaze and meets Nick’s eyes. Air suddenly comes to miss. What’s oxygen when life itself is standing before you?

“Hi,” Charlie breathes bashfully, his high cheekbones colouring with a delicious shade of red. Nick wants to kiss them and murmur sweet nothings into his ear until they start burning against his own skin.

“Hi…” Nick greets back in an exhale.

Charlie breaks into a grin that brings out both of his dimples, and Nick can’t help himself anymore. He tackles Charlie in the biggest hug he’s ever given. He’s so enthusiastic that Charlie’s momentarily lifted up in the air. The younger boy squeals a bit, seemingly surprised and gleeful at Nick’s attack. The blonde buries his face in the brunette’s neck and breathes deeply, like he’s imagined doing so many times before. Nick’s intoxicated by the scent he finds there. It’s a really pleasant mix of coconut and vanilla that’s so comforting, it makes his head spin a bit. He doesn’t want to think that it feels like home, because it’s stupid and cliché, but fuck… It feels even better than being cuddled up on his couch with Nellie and his mum. It feels like embracing his destiny.

“You’re really here, Char!” Nick’s voice comes out muffled, but not enough that his emotion isn’t distinctly perceptible.

“I am!” Charlie giggles, and Nick feels his heart melt like wax, flowing warmly in the interstices of his entrails before collecting around his stomach to form a seal stamped with the coat of arms of Charlie's family. And just like that, he’s his forever.

After a few more seconds than what would be considered proper for a friendly hug, Nick delicately drops Charlie to the floor. As he does so, he becomes very aware of the fact that he’s touching the other boy. When his fingertips graze the skin of Charlie’s hips, where his cardigan is slightly raised, he feels a spark go through his entire body. 

A bit of awkwardness sets in as they separate. Now that the excitement of the meeting has passed, Nick doesn’t know how to behave anymore. What should he talk about? Was the hug too much? He suddenly remembers the “looking from above” thing and fears the moment it will inevitably come. 

“Where are your friends?” He finally asks sheepishly, desperate to find something to say. He remembers Charlie mentioning Tao and Elle coming, and it’s not that he doesn't want to meet them - really, he does - it’s just that, right now, the thought frightens him a bit. He’s awkward enough with Charlie, and he’s known him for months, now! But then again, he doesn’t have a gigantic crush on Tao and Elle, so that should play in his favour.

“Tao went to grab some beers and Elle was stopped by some girls who asked about her boots,” Charlie answers, and Nick tries his best to hide his sigh of relief. “What about you?

“Oh, I saw Tara and Darcy earlier, they must be around. Christian, Otis and Sai were here too a second ago… I don’t know where they are now, though. Probably downing shots in the kitchen.” Nick lets out a self-conscious laugh. He doesn’t know why he’s embarrassed, but he suddenly is. Maybe that’s because he’s afraid Charlie will think he’s a pathetic friendless loser, despite rationally knowing he won’t. Without a screen to separate them, the fact that the man in front of him knows him better than anyone is slightly overwhelming, all of a sudden.

“Right.”

They’re back to avoiding each other’s eyes, and Nick already misses the stormy greyness of Charlie’s pupils. Both of them are smiling, but there's a strangeness there, provoked by the painfully obvious fact that they’re not used to physically coexisting. Nick racks his brain in order to find something to talk about. His eyes wander to the sweaty bodies near the makeshift dancefloor, and he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

“Do you wanna dance?” 

What the hell, Nick?! You literally hate crowds, and also, dancing! 

He would make the sacrifice if Charlie asked him, though. He was fairly sure of it.

“What, already?!” Charlie laughs. “It’s barely 9 p.m., no one's dancing yet!”

Well, some people are dancing. Although they do look trashed, Nick supposes. Most people are indeed chatting on the sidelines with a drink in hand.

“I know, sorry,” Nick apologises with a wince. “I don't know why I suggested that. I don’t even want to dance. Ever.”

Charlie giggles adorably, and suddenly, the awkwardness dissipates again. They’re just Nick and Charlie, two boys who talk so often that they know each other inside and out. Two boys who truly care for each other, so much so that at least one of them is in love with the other.

“Maybe…” Charlie trails off, apparently hesitant to continue his sentence. “Maybe we could go somewhere quieter?” His eyebrows are lifted and his expression is hopeful. He’s the most beautiful person Nick has ever seen. In what world would he say no to this face?

“Ye-Yes! Yeah!” He stutters. “Won’t your friends miss you, though?” To be frank, he doesn’t really care about Charlie’s friends right now, but he doesn’t want to keep him from them either. They came to this party together, after all. 

“Nah, they know I’m here to see you,” Charlie admits with a relaxed smirk.

Warmth blooms in Nick’s chest. Charlie’s really here, finally, and he doesn’t know if he’s ever been this happy before.

“You are?” He asks with more wonder than he’s ever heard in his own voice.

“Don’t let it get to your head, Nick,” Charlie teases, “I wouldn't be here if it wasn’t for the free drinks.”

“I don’t see any drink in your hand, though.”

“Well, let’s go fix that!”

Charlie throws him a blinding smile before dashing towards the kitchen. Nick follows him belatedly, stunned by the sight of the younger boy’s dimples. From now on, Nick will make it a life mission to make them appear as much as possible. He’d do anything to make Charlie happy, and if it means it’ll make his lovely dimples pop out in the process, then he definitely isn’t mad about it. 

When he gets to the counter where all the different alcohols are laid out, Charlie asks Nick what he wants to drink. Then, he meticulously prepares him a cup under Nick’s adoring gaze. He hasn’t had anything to drink before Charlie arrived, and yet, he feels drunk on his best friend’s presence. He knows he’s looking at him with too much awe to pass it as platonic, but he doesn’t care who’s watching. On the contrary, maybe it’ll send a message to some pretty insistent people. 

Actually, a lot of girls are approaching him tonight. Some even go as far as to place their hands on his arms, but he’s always quick to brush them off tactfully. His eyes barely leave Charlie when he returns their greeting, and he always makes sure to include him in the short conversations they’re having. He’s not so conceited that he thinks every girl who talks to him is interested in him, but most of them have already made a pass at him before, so he’s actually glad to be here with someone tonight. Is he with someone, though? It’s not like he’s actually asked Charlie on a date, but it could as well be. He just needs to get Charlie alone. 

“Are you ready to go?” Nick finally asks when their respective cups are filled and the coast is clear from flirty classmates. “I know a place where we won't be bothered.”

When Charlie answers positively, Nick is already planning their escape and he doesn’t notice Charlie’s tiny breath of relief. What he doesn’t miss, though, is his blush and the surprised look on his face when Nick grabs his hand and drags him upstairs. Maybe he didn't expect him to be this forward. Maybe he even liked the contact a little bit. One can only hope… 

💬💬

“Je m’appelle Charlie…” (“My name’s Charlie…”)

“Je m’appelle Charlie…”

“... et j’ai dix-neuf ans.” (“And I’m nineteen.”)

“... et j’ai dix-neuf ans.”

Nick and Charlie are sprawled on a couch they found on the first floor, far away from the heart of the party. Nick knows this room from the few times he had to escape during gatherings at the same house. He liked people, and talking to them, but sometimes, things got a bit much when everyone’s attention was on him. This usually happened during post-match celebrations, which is why he’d eventually stopped going.  

As they’re goofing around in French, Nick tries not to think about the way Charlie scooted away from him as they sat down on the couch. This is fine. Maybe he’s just shy. Or he’s not used to Nick’s physical presence beside him. It’s an unconventional date, after all, and only the start of the evening. Is this even a date? Now, admittedly, Nick lacks experience in this field, but until now, he thought that spending time with someone you really cared for automatically turned it into a date. He begins to seriously doubt this fact, though. Charlie hasn’t made a single flirty comment since they met. Or has he? Is he just too thick to have noticed? Perhaps Charlie wouldn’t be opposed to this being a date, but the thought simply hasn’t crossed his mind. 

Ugh, why is dating so complicated?

Nick takes a breath and resolves to put his left arm on the backrest of the sofa, right behind the dark-haired boy’s head, just to test the waters. After a few seconds, Charlie slightly leans against it, and it takes all of Nick’s resolve not to let out a deep sigh of relief. 

“En entier ?” Nick asks, suddenly feeling twenty pounds lighter.

“What?” Charlie furrows his gorgeous eyebrows and Nick wants to kiss the tiny wrinkle that forms between his eyes. He can’t contain a giggle at the boy’s confusion. That’s Charlie fucking Spring for you. Capable of making a two-hundred-pound rugby lad giggle, for god’s sake.

“The full sentence?”

“Oh! Je m’appelle Charlie… et… j’ai… dix-neuf ans.”

“Ouais !! Well done, you’re a pro, now.”

“Hardly,” Charlie protests with an amused shake of his head. “I can’t believe you speak French, though! You never mentioned it!”

“Well, yeah. My dad’s French, as you know. But it’s not like I see him that often, so I don’t really get to practise.”

“Well you can talk to me in French all you like,”  Charlie replies kindly. “I’m not saying I’ll understand it, but you know… You can!” 

Nick bursts out laughing. Charlie must feel really bad for him if he’s offering to be talked to in a language he doesn’t even understand.

“Thanks for the offer, Char, I’ll keep it in mind. I think I’d rather you understand what I’m saying, though.”

“Yeah,” Charlie chuckles somewhat awkwardly, “makes for better conversations. I can kinda see your point.”

Nick can’t see well under the low lights, but Charlie’s cheeks look a shade darker than before. Tentatively, he takes out his arm from the backrest and puts his hand between their two bodies.

Then, they start talking about Charlie’s classes. They compare timetables to determine when they’ll be able to have lunch together, and they discover that they have a theatre seminar in common on Fridays. Nick is overjoyed. He doesn’t know anything about theatre and he kind of dreaded this workshop, but now that he knows he’ll see Charlie there, he’s certain it’ll be his favourite class of the week.

Before they know it, they’ve spent two hours talking and cracking each other up, as if they’ve known each other for years. Nick can’t believe how easy it is to talk to Charlie. He’s realised it this summer, obviously, but he’s relieved to discover that their chemistry is intact in real life. If anything, it’s even stronger now that Charlie’s physically there and Nick can see his angelic face with his own eyes. He’s longing to brush Charlie’s curls behind his ear, especially when a dark strand falls across his eye, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t want to frighten him. If that’s what it takes to be with Charlie eventually, he’ll happily wait months before they even kiss, no matter how much he yearns to do it now. He’s okay with taking things slow because he knows it’ll be worth it. Or, maybe it’s because he doesn’t know how to do it any other way. He’s in love with Charlie, and he knows he won’t be able to think about anyone else the way he thinks about him for years to come, if he ever does.

So instead, Nick tells Charlie about the rugby lads, and how he’ll be sharing accommodations with them this year. He explains that he’ll try to make better friends with them and that he thinks he might have been wrong about them the whole time. Maybe there’s been more to these boys than what he’d thought from the beginning. In any case, he’s feeling more optimistic than he ever was a year ago.

“I’m proud of you,” Charlie tells him quietly.

The whisper is low, but the love it contains feels louder than any scream, or any voice Nick has ever heard at the back of his head. He knows who he is and is confident in his identity. He's come such a long way since he timidly posted a straight ally flag on Instagram during Pride Month when he was still in school! He's changed accounts since (he lost his password like an idiot), but he still cringes when he thinks about it. Now, with Charlie on his side, he can do anything. He is worthy of friendship and affection. He just needed someone to remind him of it.

Charlie’s expression is shining with fondness, and Nick’s breathing stutters like the first time he caught a glimpse of his face many weeks ago. Then, the younger boy’s eyes drop to the couch. A second later, he’s lifting his hand from his lap in a painfully slow movement, before putting it right beside Nick’s. The blonde’s heart flutters wildly. It’s gotten wings of its own, and it’s threatening to take flight at any moment.

“I’m really glad you came,” Nick confesses in a soft murmur. “I’m just… I’m just really glad I met you. This will be a good year for me, I can feel it.”

Gingerly, Nick lifts his pinkie and grazes Charlie's. The older boy can hear a breath catching in someone’s throat, but he’s not sure if it’s Charlie’s or his own. He’s too spellbound by the sight of Charlie’s rosy lips. He can’t look away. They’re too fascinating to look at, and the pull is too strong. He’s nothing but a poor sailor failing to fight the tide. When he finally manages to lift his gaze for half a second, he notices that Charlie’s just as transfixed as he is. Both of them are leaning in, Nick’s sure of it now, they are getting closer and closer, like the flames of a candle burning at both ends, when suddenly - 

“So that's the boyfriend you’ve abandoned us for!” Elle’s voice breaks the tension so abruptly that Charlie almost jumps off the sofa. His hand jolts up in the air and he tucks it between his legs, his eyes avoiding Nick’s. 

“Nick!!! You started dating!” Tara almost squeals with delight. What are they doing here? Nick didn’t know they knew each other. Somehow, the thought warms his heart. Charlie and him having friends in common and forming a big friend group sounds like a dream, honestly. He can already picture them cuddling on the couch while their friends bicker with each other during a board game night. “That explains the smile, then! I’m so happy for you!”

Nick doesn’t know what to make of Charlie’s reaction. He’s torn between the unadulterated joy of hearing their friends calling them boyfriends and the confusion of seeing Charlie this embarrassed. Maybe he doesn’t like PDA? That’s fair, he’s not a big fan of it himself. Or maybe he’s just disappointed they were interrupted. He can find a dozen explanations for Charlie’s behaviour, but nothing would have prepared him for what the other boy would say next.

“Oh, please, Elle, be serious!” Charlie scoffs with a sharp laugh that sounds nothing like his usual giggle.

The silence that follows is loud with its absence, more brutal than a hand put over their mouths to stop them from emitting a sound. Even their breathings collectively stop. Elle and Tara’s eyes widen with shock. They exchange a look, and Nick can’t bear the pity he finds in their gazes when they travel from Charlie’s figure to his own. 

Nick’s hands are shaking, but it doesn’t register. What’s happening right now? The emotional whiplash is so violent, that his mind is now clouded by incomprehension. His brain doesn’t want to understand. He’s having too much trouble reconciling the Charlie he knows and loves with the one next to him, who just laughed in Elle’s face when she implied he was dating Nick. There’s a buzzing in his ear, like there sometimes is after someone hits him a bit too hard during rugby matches. 

This has to be a misunderstanding or some kind of sick joke. Even if Charlie wasn’t interested in him, he wouldn’t be so dismissive about it. Would he? 

“Oh?” Tara’s face betrays both her surprise and her disappointment. 

“Charlie!” Elle chastises.

“I mean, look at him! He’s not my boyfriend,” the boy doubles down nervously. There’s an unnerving edge to his voice that sends a chill through Nick’s entire body. 

There’s no doubt left, then.

Charlie’s words are spinning in Nick’s head like the hands of a hyperactive clock. Time doesn’t mean anything anymore. It could be hours, or it could be a second before somebody else answered him. Nick’s definitely not going to be the next one to talk. His throat is closed, like tar has been poured into it. He has to get out of here, but the weight of his thoughts won’t let him get up.

Is he really that repulsive? People usually like how he looks. The thing is, in the end, it doesn’t mean anything if Charlie doesn’t, because Charlie’s opinion is the only one he truly cares about. Even worse, maybe Charlie doesn’t have a problem with his appearance, but his dull personality was enough to appal him. Nick feels his breathing start to shorten as he watches his worst fear materialise before him. That’s exactly what he’s been afraid of from the beginning. His and Charlie’s relationship had a deadline, and they’ve reached it two hours after meeting for the first time. Boring someone so fast must be a record. He shouldn’t have offered to meet in person, no matter how much he’d been aching to.

“Right,” Elle finally replies, determined to move away from the embarrassment. “Well, Tao’s whining about not having seen you all night and I wanted to go do karaoke. Are you game?”

Charlie throws a last look at Nick before turning towards Elle again, but Nick’s steadfastly staring at the floor. He can’t catch Charlie’s eyes, or he will burst into tears.

“Yeah, okay!”

And just like that, Charlie is gone. 

“Nick, are you okay?” Tara attempts to ask once Elle and Charlie are out of the room, but Nick is too quick for her. He’s already on his way to the kitchen in hopes of finding something strong enough to make him forget the last ten minutes, and possibly the last three months while he’s at it.

How could he have thought that Charlie would reciprocate his crush? Not only is he a pathetic prick, but he’s also delusional on top of that. Even the word “crush” makes him choke up. The word seems too small, like a tiny matchbox constricting his sun-sized sentiment. And yet he can’t even bring himself to think the l-word in such circumstances. He used to revel in the feeling. It used to envelop him like a warm blanket, but now, its scalding intensity makes him want to rip his skin off. That simple notion makes him nauseous. 

They don’t tell you how brutal love is when it’s unreciprocated. A relationship is a rubber band held by two people, and when one of them lets go unexpectedly, the other one takes it full force.

Nick knew this would happen. He didn’t want this to happen, and he thought he could avoid it, but it has, and he couldn’t. It was inevitable; he’s been letting himself feel way too much. So, from now on, he won’t feel anything. That’s the goal, at least. His stupid feelings are what brought him here in the first place, so he’s done with them. 

The shots he’s gulping are helping a bit. He can already feel himself begin to float above himself when other people try to talk to him. It’s like conversing through a prison glass. He’s used to that. He’s never done it on purpose and he used to resent it, but he’s grateful for it now. It protects him. He’s never managed to do it with Charlie (not that he needed to until now, his mind unhelpfully provides), so he avoids him like the plague. He’s not so sure Charlie would want to talk to him, anyway.

The next day, Nick won’t remember who he talked to or what he said to them. He’ll pray he hasn’t gone on about Charlie the whole night, but he won’t have too much hope. He’ll just remember getting completely sloshed and wanting to puke as Charlie sheepishly waved at him from afar. 

This year promises to be even worse than the previous one.

Chapter Text

If Charlie Spring was more romantic, he would say that Nick Nelson is the Sun personified. For the last three months (95 days to be precise), Charlie’s entire world has been revolving around Nick’s warm presence. The older boy has been the light shining through the curtains of Charlie’s dark days, as well as the gleam in his eyes on his good ones. He doesn’t remember a life before Nick, and he can’t imagine one without him either.

When Charlie arrived at the party, he found Nick pretty fast. The older boy was practically glowing in the dark living room, surrounded by people who must have felt the same gravitational pull towards him as Charlie did. When Nick turned around, his amber eyes were strikingly luminous, like the trunk of an oak tree soaked in the morning light. A constellation of a thousand freckles covered his round cheeks as he smiled, and Charlie wanted to stargaze all night. This must have been what astronomers felt after a new discovery. They had to relearn how to live, for their world would never be the same again.

A few hours into the evening, though, something went wrong. Time stopped as Charlie stared at Nick’s lips, causing him to lose speed and fall out of his orbit. This nearly propelled him into the Sun’s big, mouth-watering arms. For a moment, Charlie was burning himself alive, but he did nothing to prevent it. The warmth felt too redeeming after years of emotional tundra. Luckily, Elle arrived at the right time, promptly saving him from self-immolation. 

Now, come morning, Charlie’s skin still prickles with Nick's residual heat, but he knows one thing for sure: this isn’t to happen again. The Sun and the Earth mustn’t collide under any circumstances. The star’s trajectory will never cross that of the planet, because, funnily enough, the Sun is fucking straight. They don’t teach you that in school, do they?

Fucking hell. Nick’s straight, Charlie. Straight straight straight straight straight-

And even if there was the slightest chance that he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be interested in Charlie. Nick’s signed up on the Leeds University App in hopes of finding friends, and Charlie isn’t naive enough to believe that he could ever be enough to change his mind. When he downloaded the app back in June, Charlie too was looking for platonic relationships. He was getting nervous about starting uni without any of his school friends and was trying to be proactive about his fears. The plan was to make at least one friendly acquaintance so that he would have a familiar face on campus come September. 

A few days later, Charlie found himself on Tao’s bedroom floor, watching a romance movie with his three best friends. The film was too arty-farty for his taste, and his mind started to wander. What would his life be like in Leeds? Would he find a boyfriend there? Maybe a cute boy who shared his interest in literature, or a sporty guy with big arms and an even bigger heart… The thought seemed too good to be true, even in his fantasies. After all, he had no experience, except for a few kisses shared with a dickhead he preferred not to think about; and it wasn’t like he was particularly easy to love. He still had hard mental health days and his ED wasn’t gone. In fact, it never would be. How could someone love him despite all of his issues if Charlie himself had little sense of his own self-worth sometimes?

Yet, as he watched Tao and Elle cuddling on the bed, the freezing claws of loneliness tightened around his heart until it felt ready to burst with despair. All of a sudden, the solitude was unbearable. That’s when Charlie got an idea. Maybe chatting people up online would be a good way to train for the real stuff. Perhaps someone would agree to date him if he became a terribly good flirt. So Charlie got his phone out and checked the “dating” option as well as the platonic one. Once he’d done it, his profile only seemed to indicate that he was looking for dates, but he was still matched with people who were looking for friendships only, so he figured it was just a display glitch. 

That’s how he found Nick. Or, rather, that’s how Nick found him. Sweet, wonderful Nick, who became his confidant and his best friend in the world in a matter of weeks. Nick, whose kindness helped Charlie gain confidence almost immediately. Nick, who tragically wasn’t in it for love.

Actually, there wasn’t a doubt in Charlie’s mind that Nick would never be interested in him in that way. See, the older boy had gone to Truham just like Charlie had, and he’d been friends with Harry Greene, of all people. How a sweet soul like Nick could rub shoulders with people like that rich bully was beyond Charlie, but it gave him all the answers he needed. He didn’t remember Nick from school, but he now knew they would’ve never been friends there. Nick belonged to the popular crowd and was so far out of his league that his crush on him was comical, in a way. Plus, this meant that all this time, Nick and Charlie had lived in the same city without ever crossing paths. Of course, Nick didn’t know that fact, but he’d never asked either. He obviously wasn’t as eager to meet in person as Charlie was. 

Charlie discovered all of this on Nick’s public Instagram account. He’d resolved not to stalk him on social media, as Nick hadn’t shared any of his user handles with him, but he was craving more pictures of the boy, and asking Nick for more photos of himself would have been a dead giveaway of Charlie’s pathetic infatuation. So Charlie had succumbed to the temptation, and looked up his name on Instagram. Disappointingly, Nick hadn’t been active since school, and the boy in these pictures looked nothing like the man he was now. He was adorable, but he wasn’t the Nick he knew. Even the profile in itself didn’t scream “Nick” to Charlie. Except in one or two pictures with Nellie here or there, he hardly ever smiled. The contrast with the selfies he sent Charlie was striking. Most of the time, the comments were full of crude jests from other teenage boys, teasing him about random girls from Higgs. Nick never replied to anyone.

However, the true gut punch for Charlie was Nick’s last post. It went back to a year and a half ago, and it was a straight ally flag. As soon as he saw it, his eyes started to prickle with tears and his stomach clenched with pain. Charlie felt ridiculous for feeling this way. The flag only confirmed all of his suspicions, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him. His throat clogged up with the shame of being disappointed by something he already knew but didn’t want to believe. Nick is a sunset on the beach, and Charlie’s the water that shines underneath. From afar, it might look like they’re touching, but they actually never will. Hence his vow to be grateful for the amazing friendship he had with Nick and to never expect more from him. 

This has worked to an extent. Being Nick’s platonic friend isn’t exactly easy through a phone screen, but Charlie can manage. So what if every text notification gives him heart palpitations? Charlie is only human, and Nick doesn’t need to know. In real life though? Oh, boy… Admittedly, Charlie has had several moments of weakness during their friendship, but the aforementioned almost kiss was by far the worst slip-up he’s ever had. He wants to blame it on the two wine glasses he gulped before arriving at the party (he was very anxious about meeting Nick, sue him), but deep down, he knows that alcohol isn’t what was making him drunk at the time. What was Charlie thinking, though? Did Nick notice he was seconds away from planting his lips on his? He hoped not. That’s why he was glad for Elle’s interruption, although now, he truly hopes her comment about them being boyfriends hasn’t made Nick too uncomfortable. 

Because, yes, maybe Charlie’s even more gone now that he’s met Nick in person, but he truly thinks this meeting could have gone way worse. They got on marvellously well - perhaps even better than on their phones - and Charlie can’t wait to see Nick again. He’s accomplished what he was aiming for at the start of the summer: he has a wonderful ally on campus, a best friend who’ll have his side no matter what. 

So, at the end of the day, it all comes down to this: Nick is Charlie’s first everything. He’s his first thought in the morning, he’s the first person Charlie wants to tell his good news to, and, most importantly, he is Charlie’s first true love, despite him being the last person Nick would ever consider dating. No matter what happens, Charlie will always be grateful to him for being such a spectacular first. So it doesn’t matter if Nick is Charlie’s favourite person in the world; it doesn’t matter if he smells even better than he looks (how is that even possible?!), and, ultimately, it doesn’t matter if Charlie’s intensely, stupidly and irrevocably in love with him. Time will pass; Nick will date a girl in front of him - maybe several - and Charlie’s love will fade away, because that’s what love tends to do. 

The Sun will set, the waves will recede, and the sea will disappear into the dark, starless night.

💬💬

On Sunday morning, Nick’s face is the first image to pop up in Charlie’s mind as he wakes up, as it’s been the case every day for three months now. The thought immediately conjures up a dimpled smile on the boy’s face. How beautiful life seems when the idea of hanging out with Nick Nelson is not a fantasy but a possibility… Charlie reaches out for his phone, expecting a good morning message from his friend, but his “[gay panic]” lock screen is staring back at him, devoid of any notification.

It shouldn’t be surprising per se - Nick was drinking last night, and he did allow himself a lay-in once in a while; but this is the first time Charlie’s woken up without a message from him since they met back in June. Charlie tries to shake off the uneasy feeling that’s settling in his stomach as the realisation hits him. He better get used to it. Why would Nick keep on sending him good morning messages now that they’ll see each other almost every day on campus? They aren’t boyfriends, for god’s sake.

Charlie doesn’t think about it again until he’s saying goodbye to Elle at the door while Tao’s busy finishing packing in the living room. He’s grateful for his friends, who came all the way to Leeds to help him settle before they’ll have to go to their respective unis. Isaac couldn’t make it, as he started uni in London a week ago, but his quiet support was just as appreciated.

“So, what are you going to do for the end of your first weekend in Leeds?” Elle asks, her elegant figure leaning against the doorframe. 

“I don’t know. I’ll probably text Nick, see if he wants to go out or something,” Charlie answers, aiming for nonchalance. His rosy blush must betray him, though.

“Oh,” Elle breathes with a confused frown. “Do you think he’ll want to?” She asks tentatively, for a reason that Charlie doesn’t quite understand.

“Why not? Did he tell you that he had some plans?”

What does she know that Charlie doesn’t? He doesn’t remember Nick mentioning anything to him last night, but then again, they didn’t see much of each other once Charlie left to join his friends. He supposes that’s how uni parties usually go. Too many people to see, especially when you’re the rugby king… The two hours they spent together was more than Charlie had ever dared to hope for. 

“No! No, he didn’t. I just thought… After the way you talked about him last night…” She trails off, circumspect. 

“What? What do you mean?”

“Remember when Tara and I came to find you and I implied you were dating?” Charlie nods, disliking the way his stomach knots at the mere memory. “You were so harsh with him, love. That whole interaction was super awkward…” Elle’s voice is soft and her expression is cautious, as if she was afraid of his reaction. 

“Wh-what? But, but - I’m sorry,” Charlie sputters, “but you can’t imply things like that in front of straight boys without expecting me to deny it! We were literally meeting that night for the first time! What if he thought you were serious? What if he believed that I was the one who told you we were dating?”

“I was serious, though!”

“Elle!” Charlie cries out, scandalised. He doesn’t know why he’s so shocked. He should be flattered, shouldn’t he? After all, he would be the last person on earth to be opposed to dating Nick, but he’s spent so much time convincing himself that it will never happen that the thought alone makes him nervous again. What if Nick learns that Charlie likes him and decides he doesn’t want to talk to him ever again? This wouldn’t be the first time this happened to him. 

“I’m so sorry I assumed,” Elle apologises, “but you guys were so close! I’m sure Nick’s interested, Charlie. He looked like a kicked puppy when you denied you were dating.”

Even if he knows it to be false, the sentence “Nick’s interested” is enough to make Charlie’s breath hitch in his throat. His affection makes his organs constrict with a mix of nerves and overwhelming yearning.

“Come on, I wasn’t mean!” Charlie protests weakly. There’s no way Nick was offended by what he said. He did what he had to do to get Elle off his back, nothing more. “All I said is that the thought of us dating is ridiculous since he’s super popular, handsome, and also, straight as an arrow! He’s going to be rugby captain, for god’s sake!”

“Okay, I’m not even gonna address the fact that you are handsome and popular as well, because we need to get going soon and I have already told you this a million times,” Elle scoffs affectionately, shaking her head with so much vigour that her curls bounce on her shoulders. “Now. These aren’t the exact words you pronounced, are they?”

“No. Not exactly,” Charlie reluctantly agrees. “But that’s what I meant. I’m sure he got it…” He knows he’s pouting now, but he can’t help it. He doesn’t like the idea of upsetting Nick, especially over a topic as ridiculous as them dating. 

“Also, has he told you he’s straight?” Elle doubles down. 

Why is Elle being so cruel? If Charlie had the slightest doubt about Nick being anything other than straight, she must know he wouldn’t have said any of that! He’s starting to get a bit annoyed now. Why can’t she drop it?

“Well, not exactly, no, but I know he is,” Charlie asserts with an icy tone that leaves no room for discussion.

“Charlie…”

“And even if he wasn’t - I know he wouldn’t be interested. He’s already got some issues with platonic relationships, he doesn’t need the stress of a romantic one on top of that.” Charlie hates the slight wobble he can hear in his voice. He isn’t used to stating all of the reasons Nick would never date him aloud, and that just makes it even more real. 

Charlie shakes his head in dejection. He doesn’t know why he justifies himself so much. They shouldn’t even be talking about this in the first place! Doesn’t Elle see how much this affects him?  

“Okay. Whatever you say,” she relents after a few seconds of heavy silence. “I’m really sorry if I made you guys uncomfortable last night, but Charlie, please talk to him about it… Even if he is straight or uninterested - and I really doubt that he is either of these things - I’m sure that what you said can’t have been pleasant to hear.”

Charlie’s anger leaves him as fast as it came. He deflates like a balloon and his aggravation turns into something way worse: a nasty blend of guilt and shame that simmers in his entrails like a pot of boiling hot coffee. 

“Okay,” Charlie sighs, “I’ll apologise, I guess, but I really don’t think he took it the wrong way…” He actually doesn’t know if that’s really what he thinks, but the thought of hurting Nick is too unbearable for him to even consider. 

“Charlie, I know you didn’t mean to, but you sounded very repulsed by the idea. Why do you think you didn’t see him again all night? I think he was upset.”

Repulsed? How could anyone on Earth be repulsed by the idea of dating Nick?! He wasn’t repulsed, he was shocked! Surprised, uncomfortable, maybe even dismissive, but he would never be repulsed!

“She’s right,” Tao concurs indifferently, arriving at the door with his arms full of bags. “I saw him looking at you from afar during karaoke, and I thought he looked a bit sick. Though maybe it had something to do with your horrendous singing.”

Charlie tries to smile, but he doesn’t find it in him. He feels like the room’s closing on him. Is it true? Did Nick avoid him on purpose last night? Did his words really hurt him? Guilt weighs heavy on his stomach, like he’s swallowed a twenty-pound rock. He genuinely thought he was doing a good thing, at the time. Charlie doesn’t know any straight boy who wouldn’t be offended by being taken for his boyfriend. Except maybe Tao. Though Nick was his friend, just like Tao was, so maybe Charlie should have given him the benefit of the doubt. Now that he thinks about it, perhaps he could have denied it while being clearer about what he meant. Nick would’ve never been sad if he’d understood him correctly. After all, why on earth would Nick find the idea of them dating anything but laughable?

“Oh,” Charlie breathes in an abashed whisper.  “Well… No, you’re right, I didn’t mean it like that. At all.”

The thing is, both Nick and dating are sensitive subjects for him, especially if they’re mentioned in the same sentence. Deep down, even if Charlie doesn’t want to admit it, a part of him knew he was being cruel as soon as his words left his mouth. Still, laughing things off when they hit too close to home has always been a proof-tested defence mechanism for him. Charlie knows it isn’t healthy, but he often finds himself falling back into it mindlessly, like you let yourself fall back into your bed after a bone-chilling nightmare.

“Thank you for telling me,” he mutters sheepishly, his voice smaller than a pin-head. “I would hate for Nick to be sad over this. I obviously… care about him. A lot.”

Elle’s eyes soften at this. Neither she nor Tao picks up on his hesitation, but the look in their eyes betrays how much they know. They understand what he’s saying, but they’re gracious enough not to force him to utter the words out loud.

“Of course, you do,” Elle smiles with a knowing look. Tao rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but his lips are stretched up in a fond grin. Surprisingly, he doesn’t say anything. 

“Alright,” Charlie chuckles through his tight throat, “go away now, both of you. We don’t want you to miss your train…”

💬💬

Charlie (12:14)

how’s your head doing? I can bring you meds and tea if you need xxx

This message is Charlie’s olive branch. Nick hasn’t reached out to him all morning, which can only mean he’s either extremely hungover or really upset. Charlie chooses to believe it’s the first option. Even if it was the second one, they could talk it out over tea. According to Nick, tea is the solution to all problems. Well, actually, a cuddle from Nellie is the solution to all problems, but Nellie isn’t in Leeds, as far as Charlie knows. So tea it is.

Charlie has resolved to keep his cool, but he finds himself fidgeting with his phone and sending Nick a second message only a few minutes after the first. His hands are shaking with nerves. He looks like an addict waiting to get his fix. Maybe that’s not far off the truth.

Charlie (12:20)

i’m sorry if i sounded harsh when elle and tara came in last night? that wasn’t my intention at all, i just didn’t want you to believe i’d told elle i was interested or something… 😅 she knows we’re just friends, she was taking the piss

Charlie throws his phone on the couch next to him immediately after sending the text. He lifts his hands to cover his face, but it isn’t enough to muffle his groan of frustration. He’s lucky his roommates haven’t arrived yet, because the sound could be heard from flats away. God, he’s so ashamed… Charlie hasn’t felt so pathetic in a long time. He’s usually way better at concealing his crush in text messages, but meeting Nick for the first time must have messed his composure up because this is not him. 

It takes Charlie fifteen minutes to dare to look at his phone again. He isn’t sure what he’s expecting, nor what he wishes to find there. What if Nick has answered, and he’s laughing cruelly at how ridiculous last night’s misunderstanding was? What if he’s angry at Elle for implying such things, and asking him to keep his gay self away from him? What if he’s just woken up with a girl in his bed, and is about to tell Charlie all about it?

Or maybe he’s really miserable, just like Elle said, and he’ll never want to talk to him again.

No, it can’t be that. All of these options seem out of character for Nick, if Charlie’s honest, but that last one is the least plausible. Charlie’s just apologised and has explained his very logical reasoning to him. Nick will understand where he was coming from, agree that the assumptions were very awkward, and forgive his sharp rebuttal.

When Charlie finds the courage to unlock his phone, though, only his blank lock screen stares back at him. Nick usually answers minutes after receiving Charlie’s messages. However, that was during the summer, when he worked in the morning. Maybe he’s still asleep, or not feeling well. This doesn’t have to mean anything. Charlie’s willing himself not to panic. This is fine. 

Another hour passes, and there’s still no sign from Nick. Charlie can handle a lot of things. He’s good at hearing people’s criticism and he does his best to never take it personally. He’s also sure he can handle rejection as long as people are not rude about it. Uncertainty, though, he cannot stand. His anxiety goes through the roof anytime things are left unsaid. Anything that his brain comes up with will be worse than the actual reality, and he’s acutely aware of that by now. What should Charlie do? Go to Nick’s flat? He doesn’t even know where he lives, yet.

In the end, there’s nothing Charlie can do as long as Nick doesn’t answer, so he tries his best to take his mind off of it. He turns on the TV and opens up Instagram. There, his eyes are immediately drawn to a profile picture he’s not familiar with. He clicks on it and discovers it’s the profile of Tara Jones, Elle and Nick’s friend. He doesn’t remember following her, but his memories got quite blurry as the night went on. Tara’s profile picture is circled by a coloured ring, which means she’s posted a story. Craving a distraction, Charlie clicks on it.

He’s met with the most breathtaking vision. Amber eyes, rosy skin and sunlight hair.

Charlie almost drops his phone at the sight of Nick. Seeing his best friend’s face is so unexpected that, for a second, he wonders if he’s imagining him. But he’s actually there, throwing a peace sign at the camera, next to a blond girl who’s circling his shoulders with her arm. They seem to be sitting in a restaurant, a full English breakfast in front of each of them. Nick’s skin is pale and he looks tired, but, other than that, he seems to be okay. This isn’t the face of someone who’s having the worst hangover of his life. Charlie doesn’t know if he should feel dread or relief. It’s only then that he notices the most important detail.

Nick’s phone is placed on the table, right next to his plate, screen alight. His phone is charged, then, and with Nick. 

There must be an explanation. Maybe the connection’s bad at Charlie’s new flat. He’s opening the conversation to check that his texts have actually been sent, just to be sure, when he notices it. Two tiny ticks under his own messages. 

Nick left him on read.

Fuck. Charlie feels a lump forming in his throat, but he refuses to cry over this. 

It’s ten p.m. and there is still no response from Nick when Charlie finally allows his tears to spill down his cheeks. He doesn’t want the Sun to see what he’s done to him, so he reserves his sorrow for the night. Dusk is non-judgemental. The darkness doesn’t care if he lets himself wither away and die. It lets him get away with anything. Charlie’s cries are stifled by the pillow he’s holding against his face. He doesn’t need to do that since nobody’s living with him yet, but Charlie’s used to hide his pain, and habits aren’t easy to let go of. 

That night, Charlie barely gets any sleep. 

💬💬

It’s Monday morning, and Charlie’s coming out of his first-ever uni class. He might feel down and exhausted, but he feels content, too. Uni is everything that he’d dreamed of back in school. His professor was riveting and not a single one of his classmates teased him for sitting at the front of the class and tentatively answering some of the teacher’s questions. Nobody cared about what he did, actually, and after years of overanalysing his every move in fear of getting bullied, it was heaven. He’s learned so much about classics in just two hours that his brain feels like it might just explode. It feels like a whole new world of possibilities is opening its arms to him.

He can’t wait to tell Nick and be teased about it. Except… Nick’s still not talking to him, and Charlie has no idea why. The dark-haired boy is crossing a hallway and formulating a plan in his head to get Nick to acknowledge him again when he hears it. It’s as bright as the moon and as vivifying as a shot of expresso. Charlie feels a tingle go through his entire spine before his brain connects the dots.

It’s Nick’s laugh, echoing on the walls of the corridor. 

Charlie allows himself to be stunned for a total of two seconds before changing course and marching towards the sound. He will fix things with his best friend if it’s the last thing he’ll do. As he gets closer, the crowd disperses and Charlie discerns the imposing shape of Nick’s body, crouched on someone’s shoulder. The sight makes Charlie stop in his tracks. Nick’s smiling face is squished against the long jet hair of a short girl, who’s rubbing her hand up and down his back. The blonde’s lids are closed, but the crinkles next to them make his face shine just as much as his honey eyes would. Charlie ignores the hitch in his own breath and resumes walking. He’s about to nervously call Nick’s name when the latter opens his eyes.

The Sun meets the Earth, and the world implodes. 

Nick’s eyes widen and a flash of panic strikes the oak of his pupils like a bolt of lightning. Then, he pulls back abruptly, taking the poor girl in his stride, before ducking behind a group of loud third years. 

Nick’s name dies on Charlie’s lips.

Charlie hears the girl exclaim in protest, but Nick doesn’t seem to pay attention to her. He almost trips in his attempt to get away from Charlie, and once he thinks he’s out of sight, he shakes his head and anxiously runs a hand through his hair. When the girl joins him, he says a few words to her that Charlie cannot hear. A second later, Nick’s friend puts her hand on his arm, tracing reassuring shapes along its entire length.

The whole time, Nick’s back stays resolutely turned to Charlie. 

The younger boy is rooted in place. He knows he’s blocking the way because he can feel students bumping into his shoulders, but he’s physically unable to move. His brain is reeling from the scene that just unfolded before him. He can’t make sense of it. It takes him a good twenty seconds to realise what had just happened. Nick has seen Charlie attempt to talk to him, and he’s hidden to avoid him. He doesn’t want to answer his texts, and he doesn’t want to be seen with him in public. 

It can only mean one thing: they’re not friends anymore, or maybe they never were.

Charlie feels like the roof has collapsed and the sky is tumbling down on him. His legs nearly buckle with the force of the impact. It’s only when his vision gets blurry with tears and his lips start quivering that he realises that everyone can see the state he’s getting into. Uni students might not care about others very much, but he doesn’t want to tempt fate. A heartbroken freshman is an easy target, after all. So Charlie quickly shuts his mouth and walks away, suddenly feeling ten pounds heavier with the weight of despondency. He fears he might be sick.

Is that it, then? Nick has a girlfriend, and now he’s afraid to be seen with Charlie. Perhaps they met last night and bonded over having clingy internet friends. He knows he’s spiralling, but he can’t help it. He’s just lost his favourite person, and over what? A simple misunderstanding from their well-intentioned friends? This is ridiculous! This friendship has been a lie from the very start. It must have been, to end in such an absurd way. 

Charlie was right from the beginning, then. He apologised for his insensitive wording from last night, so that’s definitely not the reason Nick is avoiding him. It’s actually the implication of them dating that put him off, isn’t it? So much so that Nick doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. What is it to him?! He’s not the one who said anything about dating Nick! Plus, they’re supposed to be best friends! Best friends don’t ignore each other! Is he afraid of people making the same assumption as Tara and Elle did if they see them hanging out? Was being mistaken for Charlie’s boyfriend that traumatising of an experience? Or is he just ashamed of being Charlie’s friend now that he’s got back to his mates from uni? It’s like being ignored by Ben Hope in the school corridors all over again. The thought almost makes Charlie topple over with nausea. 

He doesn’t remember getting home, but Charlie suddenly finds himself curled up in his bed, his legs pressed up against his chest. He vaguely thinks he’s supposed to be in class, but he can’t bring himself to feel guilty about missing it. He’s feeling way too many emotions to be thinking about his attendance. In his mind, Nick’s face blends with Ben’s, and the cruel taunts he’s always heard at the back of his head circle back on him. They sting way more, now that they’re pronounced by Nick’s sweet voice. If he doesn't pay attention to the words, they look like a beautiful satin ribbon from afar, but they wrap themselves around his neck just like a noose would. Charlie starts hyperventilating. 

“Don’t let anyone make you disappear, Charlie,” his favourite teacher had told him back in Truham. And yet, he just let Nick act like he wasn’t even there.

All of a sudden, Charlie feels the urge to do what he wasn’t strong enough to do with Ben. He’s going to share a piece of his mind with Nick. He’s going to make him pay for his hypocrisy. Charlie’s not a terrified fourteen-year-old boy anymore. He’s a nineteen-year-old adult who knows his worth, even if he tends to forget it at times. Nobody has a right to treat him this way. No one should be manipulated into thinking that they’re someone’s best friend only to be discarded the second they become inconvenient.

As he gets his phone out of his pocket and starts typing, Charlie’s mind keeps replaying the memory of Nick’s eyes widening in fear on a loop. The way he moved backwards as soon as he saw him. The way he hid behind people to avoid being seen talking to him. The more Charlie thinks about it, the more he’s wounded, and the more he’s wounded, the crueler he wants to get. He can’t help it. Maybe the pain will go away if he manages to hurt Nick’s feelings too. So he doesn’t hold back.

Charlie (11:37)

are you fucking for real, Nick? you’re gonna ignore me again after everything?! 

i get ignoring some texts when you’re not feeling well, but ducking behind someone just to avoid talking to me, that’s another level of dickhead behaviour.

don’t bother answering btw. And delete this number while you’re at it. i don’t want anything to do with a coward and a liar.

As soon as he hits send, Charlie feels his fury leave him all at once, and an earth-shattering devastation takes its place in the cavity that used to be his heart. He can't hold back his sobs anymore. They rack through his whole body so violently that his bed creaks under him. The hand he places in front of his mouth does nothing to stifle his pathetic hiccups. Then, in the distance, Charlie hears the flat’s door opening and the sound of a suitcase being rolled down the hallway. He hastens to grab his pillow to muffle his cries. The fabric isn’t even dry from last night’s tears. 

If he was more cognizant of the world around him, Charlie would perhaps be impressed at how long he’s managed to last before breaking down in tears, but he only thinks about how long it will take him to get over Nick. Because, for all the hurt that burns in his veins, he can’t even bring himself to block him. 

Nick Nelson is the Sun, and Charlie’s not sure he can live without his light.

Chapter Text

Despite his predictions, theatre isn’t Nick’s favourite class.

Actually, Nick hates everything about it. He hates how bright the lights are in the black-walled room where the workshop is held, he hates how long it took him to go through Hamlet, and, most of all, he hates how enthralling Charlie looks when he recites entire lines of verses from memory. Nick remembers the boy telling him how relieved he was not to have to make headboy speeches anymore, and he can’t reconcile this version of Charlie with the man in front of him. He oozes so much confidence that the tide would probably reverse if he asked it to.

Nick wishes he could say that’s the only difference he can spot between the boy he fell in love with this summer and the man he’s been forced to see every Friday for five weeks now. He also wishes he could say he hates Charlie for the way he scoffed at the idea of being his boyfriend after matching with him on a dating site and flirting with him for three months straight, or maybe for the way he asked him to delete his number the very next day; but the thing is, he really doesn’t. Nick can’t comprehend how it’s possibly happening since he’s causing him so much emotional pain, but he’s more in love with Charlie than he’s ever been before. That’s what spending time with the most witty, talented and gorgeous person in the whole world will do to you, apparently.

Charlie used to be kind, too. He still is, in a way. He always helps the teacher put away the chairs when the class is done and most students are already out of the door, he shares his books with classmates when they’ve forgotten theirs, and he always asks before touching someone else during an exercise. It’s just Nick he’s no longer nice to, and the blonde can’t wrap his head around it. 

When Nick woke up after the party, he was almost grateful for the pounding in his head. At least, it was a distraction from his heart-rending devastation. It worked for a while. Then, the memory of Charlie’s rejection started playing in his mind on a loop, so much so that Nick wondered if he was still asleep and reliving the moment in his dreams. In his state of semi-consciousness, he couldn’t escape the sharp edge of Charlie’s voice or the look of panic that flashed in his stormy eyes when the girls suggested they were romantically involved. Nick had to rush to the bathroom to avoid throwing up in his sheets.

When his retching finally came to a stop, Nick was left panting over the toilet bowl, exhausted despite his nine hours of sleep. He sagged against the white tiled floor and wiped the tears that had rolled down his cheeks before putting his palms on the cold surface in an attempt to anchor himself. His breathing only came back to normal after a good five minutes - or was it ten? Nick couldn’t be sure. Ultimately, Sai’s voice rang through the door, asking him if he was alright and if he would be done soon, which prompted him to eventually drag himself under the shower spray.

Thirty minutes later, he was back in his room and his phone pinged with a new message. Foolishly, his stomach lurched at the sound. His brain had come to associate the sound with Charlie after they spent months communicating this way. Could it be him? Apologising for what he said, and confessing he was too shy to admit he was desperately in love with him in front of their friends? Maybe inviting him on a date, or asking him to be his boyfriend after all? 

Nick was ridiculous. Utterly hopeless. Of course, it wasn’t Charlie. It was a text from Tara asking him if he was feeling well enough to have brunch with her and Darcy, as they’d planned. She sounded worried about him, but she didn’t mention Charlie. Perhaps her concern was only spurred by how much he’d drunk last night. In any case, Nick cursed himself. He’d completely forgotten about their plans, and he didn’t feel up to it at all, to be honest. It’d taken him an hour to stop crying, and his hot shower did nothing to soften the ache of his muscles. It would appear that real heartbreak worked that way: blood pumped by a scarred artery was destined to carry pain and suffering along with it. Though he had to try. Tara and Darcy had been kind enough to reach out on his birthday and expressed the desire to spend time with him. Making friends, allowing himself to get close to people… This was exactly what he’d wanted to do all along, even if he felt undeserving of it at the time. However hurt he was by Charlie at the moment, his friendship with the boy had shown him one thing: he was worthy of these close relationships. So he had to take a chance. 

Brunch with the girls was surprisingly nice. Charlie didn’t leave his mind, obviously, but Nick’s internal turmoil took a backseat for a bit as Darcy found a way to knock over the orange juice jug three separate times. Moreover, Tara’s voice was even more soothing than he remembered, and she didn’t press him about Charlie. In fact, she didn’t mention his name, probably sensing that that wasn’t what he needed at the moment. Now that they’d been dating for nearly nine months, Tara and Darcy didn’t spend the entire time exchanging glances and giggling under their breaths, so the three of them were able to sustain a good conversation for most of the meal. Nick was wondering why the hell they’d stopped hanging out in the first place when the screen of his phone lit up with a message. 

It was Charlie, offering to bring him meds and tea. Fuck. Fuck him, and his sweet, oblivious soul. Of course, he didn’t realise how wounding his words had been: he wasn’t in love with Nick, and he hadn’t lied, after all, they weren’t boyfriends. It just hurt to know they never would be.

Nick decided to ignore it for a bit. He didn’t know what to answer, and he didn’t want to make any rash decisions. What could he say to Charlie when his throat closed up at the simple sight of his name? Nick tried to refocus on the conversation, but he found himself plagued with the memory of Charlie’s pinky against his, and the way his silky dark curls brushed against his forearm as they hugged. He missed it already.

When Tara lifted her phone to take a picture for her Instagram story, Nick managed to give her a tight smile, but his heart wasn’t in it. A few seconds later, a second text came through. Nick had promised himself he would ignore his phone from now on, afraid that his face would betray his distress to the girls, but he picked it up from the table as soon as it pinged. He did it mindlessly, like he’d done it countless times since June, not realising what he was doing until it was too late. 

Charlie (12:20)

i’m sorry if I sounded harsh when elle and tara came in last night? that wasn’t my intention at all, i just didn’t want you to believe i’d told elle i was interested or something… 😅 she knows we’re just friends, she was taking the piss

Nick let out a tiny gasp that he didn’t hear. His ears were buzzing with static, as if his fantasised romantic relationship with Charlie was a Fleetwood Mac-broadcasting radio channel that vanished in the waves now that his illusions had been shattered. This message wasn’t surprising, after last night’s events, and yet… 

We’re just friends.

I didn’t want you to believe I was interested.

Nick had to excuse himself. He came up with an excuse to go back to his flat, thanked the girls and told them they should do something together again soon. Tara was in the middle of offering to make brunch a weekly habit when Nick got up, eager to get on his way before his tears started to spill. His legs were shaking, but it was nothing next to the trembling of his voice. He just hoped his friends didn’t notice, although he strongly doubted that they didn’t. 

Nick had never dated anyone, but this must have been what a breakup felt like. Could he possibly be more fucking pathetic? They were just friends, and Nick had to learn to live with it if he didn’t want to lose Charlie completely. For now, though, he indulged himself and got back into his sheets, started Ironman on his computer, and let himself be comforted by the familiar lull of his favourite movie’s mindless dialogues. 

That night, without any alcohol in his system, he didn’t manage to get a wink of sleep.

💬💬

The next day, Nick was nearly nauseous with fatigue, but he still found it in him to get to class. It was the first day back, after all, and he couldn’t let his love problems get in the way of uni. He didn't need guilt to add up to his shame and hurt. There, even Sahar noticed he wasn't doing well. He only knew her by sight since her band sometimes played in the same pub where the rugby celebrations took place, but she immediately noticed that something was wrong with him. After class, she gently grabbed Nick by the arm before he could sprint out of the lecture theatre and asked him what was going on. 

Nick couldn’t even bring himself to lie. He didn’t have enough energy to come up with a convincing story, so he just told her the truth. He explained that he was in love with his best friend and that it was unrequited. Sahar made a sympathetic sound and opened her arms to him. Nick had to bend down a lot to get to her level, which reminded him of his mum’s embraces. He always felt better after a good hug, and he could already feel his limbs relax as her hand stroked his back energetically. 

“Having a crush on a best friend is a rite of passage for us bisexuals, I hope you know that,” Sahar joked with a smile in her voice. “Also, maybe you should try sleeping at night; your red eyes and your pale skin make you look like a rabbit, and that's not a good look on you, Nelson.”

As Nick laughed softly against her hair, he felt his soul slowly start to return to his body. Sahar was kind, just like Tara, Darcy, and even the rugby lads. She’d cared enough to notice he wasn't well and had taken time out of her day to ask him about it. This morning, Sai had done the same, if in a more roundabout way, making Nick tea and inviting him to play video games with Christian, Otis and him tonight. Nick wasn't alone. So maybe he would be okay, eventually.

Except for the fact that when Nick opened his eyes, Charlie was there, walking towards him. Nick hated himself for it, but his knee-jerk reaction was to take a step back. When did it come to this? The first time he saw Charlie, he’d had the opposite reaction. He’d had to stop himself from running towards him and tackling him in a hug. And now, he couldn’t even cross his eyes, too afraid of what he would see in them. Would Charlie be upset with him? Would he somehow know that the reason he hadn’t reached out since the party was because he was mourning a love they never even had? Nick couldn’t face Charlie just yet, even if every fibre of his being missed him way more than what would be reasonable after ignoring his texts for just a day. So he did what he was best at when things got hard: he ran away.

He could barely hear his own voice over his heartbeats while he painstakingly explained to Sahar that he was hiding from the boy he was in love with; and when he finally turned back, Charlie was already gone. It was another fifteen minutes before his breathing came back to normal and he realised how shitty his move had been.

Nick was in a bathroom stall, ready to apologise to Charlie over the phone, when he got another text. He swore he was going to swallow his pride, say sorry for what just happened, and offer Charlie to meet for lunch. Perhaps tell him how hurt he was by his rejection, but make it clear that Charlie shouldn’t feel bad about being uninterested. But Charlie’s message came in, and Nick forgot everything, from his planned apology to his own date of birth. 

Charlie (11:37)

are you fucking for real, Nick? you’re gonna ignore me again after everything?! 

i get ignoring some texts when you’re not feeling well, but ducking behind someone just to avoid talking to me, that’s another level of dickhead behaviour.

don’t bother answering btw. And delete this number while you’re at it. I don’t want anything to do with a coward and a liar.

Nick’s mind was blank. He was too shocked to even react. He felt a familiar tingling in his nose, which was the tell-tale sign of upcoming tears, and he hated how familiar he’d come to be with the sensation. His eyes still stung from last night, and his pale cheeks were getting damp all over again, but he was too scared to wipe them. Nick didn’t want to move, for fear that it would prevent another message from coming through. Something like: “jk, don’t ignore me again or you’re dead, nelson xx”, or even “sorry, but i was very hurt by what you just did. could we meet somewhere? i think we need to talk.” Anything would be better than this. Charlie's words were so harsh and definite… They were a cleaver falling on the golden ribbon of their friendship, and Nick was left with no hopes for tying it back together. 

Nick most definitely deserved them, though. What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he have behaved like an adult, and talked to his best friend when he had the chance? If he had used his words, then he wouldn’t be here now. Nick couldn’t see his screen through his blurred vision, and maybe that was for the best. Even his worst hangover-induced nightmares had been less cruel than that. 

He knew he’d fucked up by ignoring Charlie in the corridor earlier, but being called a coward and a liar for having feelings for him and being too afraid to confess them was a slap in the face. He should have guessed that Charlie would be bright enough to put two and two together. Nick’s infatuation was written all over his crybaby reaction. Nobody would be that crestfallen over a friend denying they were together unless they were in love with them, and Charlie blamed him for hiding his true feelings once he realised.

Nick felt like he’d just tried to swallow a brick. He wanted to throw up, but his throat was way too tight to pass anything. A small whimper left his mouth, and the spell was broken: he could move again. Nick’s left hand shot up to muffle it, but it was too late. He could already hear some boys snickering outside the stall, crassly asking if someone was wanking in there. Nick’s head was spinning. He sat on the toilet bowl lid, closed his eyes, and started counting the stars he could see inside his eyelids. Hopefully, this would put him to sleep, and he would wake up five years from now, with all of this behind him. The thing was, Nick wasn’t convinced years would be enough for him to forget Charlie.

“You’re not stupid for trusting people,” Charlie had said when they talked on the phone for the first time. Nick did feel stupid, though, because the last person he would’ve expected to break his heart and abandon him did exactly that. He let his guard down, and he was hurt in the absolute worst way.

That’ll teach him a lesson. You don’t aim for the sky when your feet are already badly scraped from walking the earth. 

💬💬

“Charlie’s… good at maths.” 

Really?! That’s the best quality you could find? Fuck you, Nick Nelson. This feels so impersonal. 

Charlie usually likes how group-oriented the theatre workshop is, but he draws the line at having to compliment every single one of its participant, especially now that Nick has gotten away with saying he’s “good at maths” when asked what Charlie’s best quality was. Charlie considered Nick his best friend in the whole world for months, and for what? Getting told he’s good at fucking algebra? He knows they don’t speak anymore, but this is still hard to hear. He's sorely tempted to say that Nick “looks like he might be good at rugby” and see how the older boy reacts.

What makes it harder is the sad puppy looks Nick keeps throwing at Charlie when he thinks he isn’t looking. Charlie can feel his resolve almost crack half the time, but he has to remind himself that Nick is the one who ignored him in the first place. He shouldn’t have hidden behind other students when Charlie tried to talk to him if he wanted them to be friends. It’s easy to change his mind now that Charlie is actually kind of popular on campus. 

Of course, that’s the last thing he expected to happen when he was still crying in his bed during his first night at uni, but Charlie has become a well-known and well-liked face amongst different societies. Uni’s workload feels way lighter than his school one somehow, so Charlie’s taken the habit of going to every party he can find. At first, it was a way to have a free drink and loosen up a bit, forget about Nick for a night and try to make new friends, but now, Charlie genuinely likes it. He doesn't even drink that much anymore. Most of the time, he just enjoys the company of like-minded people who are more than happy to rave about their favourite books with him. Nothing compares to Nick’s and his bantering, of course, but Charlie takes what he can get.

Charlie often finds himself at parties thrown by the LGBTQ+ society. A week ago, he stumbled upon Tara, who introduced him to her girlfriend Darcy. They told him they were sad about Nick missing it. Darcy joked that he used to be the designated driver of the group last year, and that his presence was sorely missed. Tara rolled her eyes at this.

“Stop talking about our friend like this, Darce,” Tara chastised, “people will think he left the soc because we were taking advantage of him for his car. Rugby was the real reason, by the way. It takes him most of his time, now that he’s team captain. Have you seen him play, Charlie?”

Charlie was so confused. This didn't make any sense. Nick used to be part of the LGBTQ+ society? Was he that good of an ally? But then why would he be embarrassed about being called Charlie's boyfriend to the point of ghosting him if he wasn’t a little bit homophobic? Does he just think Charlie's embarrassing, then, even as a simple friend? 

Whatever his reasons were, the silence between them is killing Charlie. He misses Nick more than he misses home, and in truth, are these two things really that different from one another? 

Ugh. I’m so corny.

This is true, though. Charlie regretted his text as soon as he sent it, but he can’t go back now. He’s terrified of texting Nick and discovering that he did delete his number; or worse, that he’s blocked him. Charlie knows that’s exactly what he asked of him, but how could Nick have missed that what Charlie was truly craving was an apology and his reassurance, or any kind of explanation? Nick mustn’t have cared for him very much if he resigned himself that quickly. 

And yet, here he is, glaring at Tobias when the guy in question can’t limit himself to one compliment for Charlie. Tobias is a classics major and a classmate of Charlie’s. He’s very clearly smitten with Charlie, which makes him feel… pretty indifferent, to be honest. It’s a nice self-confidence boost, obviously, but Charlie can’t bring himself to rejoice in it. He blames Nick for it, like he does with most things nowadays. 

Charlie hates how obsessed with Nick he still is after all this time. He hates how bashful Nick looks when he’s asked to read a part of the text they’re studying out loud. He can’t stand how rosy his cheeks start to look in the morning once the summer ends and the air cools down. Actually, Charlie despises how exceptionally kind and attentive Nick is with the other students; how he always spots people who lack confidence and gives them quiet words of encouragement before they have to go on stage, and how he congratulates every single one of his classmates after their performance, even the ones that don’t really deserve any compliments. 

Today during break, Nick is brooding, as usual. He’s transporting props and watching Charlie from afar, but when Charlie lifts his eyes, Nick always looks away. This makes Charlie’s blood boil, for some reason. 

Why don’t you just come talk to me? I would forgive you in a heartbeat if you just explained yourself.

“Do you know him?” Tobias asks, his mouth way too close to Charlie’s ear. “He keeps staring at us.”

Charlie forces a giggle out of him. There’s no reason to laugh, but he’s noticed that Nick always looks his way when he does, so he doesn’t hesitate. Sure enough, Nick’s head swivels towards him, and his eyebrows furrow when he notices Tobias’ presence next to him. Charlie doesn’t think Tobias is a bad person, he’s just a bit dull. He’s pretty self-centred as well, but beggars can’t be choosers. Charlie wants Nick to see him talking to the other boy, for some sadistic reason. Any other boy would have done the trick, but Charlie likes the fact that Tobias very obviously gets on Nick’s nerves. Charlie wants him to see how a boy can be interested in him, despite Nick being disgusted by the idea. Charlie wants proof that Nick isn’t totally indifferent, so he goes all out. 

“Not really, no,” Charlie answers Tobias. He wants to take a step backwards, but he can feel Nick’s eyes on him, so he doesn’t. “Some people once thought we were dating, though, if you can believe that.”

There’s a loud clang at the other side of the room, and everyone’s eyes turn to Nick. He’s standing there with his shoulders raised and his hands clenched in tight fists, a cardboard box lying at his feet. Maybe he heard it then. 

Whoops.

Tobias looks pleased, for some reason.

The only reason Charlie pays any kind of attention to him is to rile Nick up. He feels a bit bad about it, but Tobias keeps mentioning his ex to Charlie, so he figures they might play the same game. Charlie’s not stupid enough to think that Nick’s reaction is proof of his jealousy, but this definitely isn’t indifference, so it’s a win in his book. He also knows he shouldn’t keep mentioning the whole boyfriend thing, but can’t help himself. Every time he does, he sees a flicker of anger flash in the amber of Nick’s eyes, and Charlie relishes it. If Nick is that disgusted by the idea, then maybe he deserves to hear it more often as a punishment.

“Just so we’re clear: you’re not dating him?” Tobias asks again.

“No,” Charlie denies. “Absolutely not.”

💬💬

Five weeks into the school year, Nick is feeling vastly better about himself. Contrary to last year, he now has a well-oiled weekly routine that keeps him nice and busy. He’s the new captain of the Leeds rugby team, and he gains confidence with every training session. His coach compliments him fairly often, and the other players respect him as well. He meets with Tara and Darcy every Sunday and they’re sometimes joined by Sahar, who he likes to study with on Wednesday afternoons. On Tuesday nights, Nick gets together with Sai, Otis and Christian to drink beer and play video games in their shared living room. Thursdays are for parties, but this usually means the lads will leave the flat to Nick, who will take advantage of the quiet to revise his hardest lessons. He knows Charlie goes out a lot, and he doesn’t want to risk bumping into him. Finally, Saturdays are for rugby matches, where he gets hit on a lot. He’s even told students from other unis are coming just to see him, but he isn’t sure it’s true. Nick is the star of semi-viral posts from the team’s Instagram, but it does sound far-fetched. Nick isn’t sure he cares either, to be honest. He’d rather have one particular curly-haired boy in the stands than a thousand strangers drooling for him. Unsurprisingly, he never gets what he wants.

Fridays are the hardest for Nick. He’s more than grateful for his new-found friends, who tactfully avoid talking about Charlie, but the thing is, he’s forced to see him every week for an entire day, anyway. And yet, Nick still misses him with his entire soul. Charlie’s still the best friend he’s ever had and the person he’s felt the closest to, ever. No one could compare.

Nick used to cry to Everywhere almost every night, but he only indulges himself once a week nowadays. Fridays are usually a good pick.

So, yes. Nick hates the theatre seminar with all of his heart. How can he forget Charlie if he has to keep witnessing just how wonderful his former best friend is at absolutely everything? He’s always the one answering the teacher’s questions, discerning hidden meanings in texts that Nick had to read with a dictionary open on the side. Time and time again, Nick is tempted to call Charlie a nerd like he used to, just to see what happens. He never does, of course. He doesn’t have the right anymore, and he knows he’ll probably never be the reason that Charlie smiles so wide that his dimples appear ever again. He tries to mourn the sensation, but it’s hard to grieve for something you can still see happening before your eyes.

See, Charlie’s dimples sometimes pop out. Not when he’s talking to Nick - in fact, they barely exchange words if they can help it. No, it happens when he’s talking to another classics freshman called Tobias. Nick has never loathed anyone the way he loathes Tobias. He grates on him with his posh clothes and all his flirty remarks addressed to Charlie. He’s not even a good actor (which Nick secretly loves), and he barely ever reads the class material from one week to the other. He never stays behind to help tidy up the room like Nick and Charlie do, either. What could Charlie see in him? Does Charlie see something in him? God, Nick hopes not. 

It’s the break, and Nick’s busy transporting boxes full of costumes to the backroom. He was told he was the only one strong enough to do it, but he suspects that he was just the only one willing to do it. He doesn’t mind. It’s not like he has anyone to talk to during breaks. Sahar doesn’t take this class, and Charlie, well… He doesn’t talk to Nick unless he’s forced to, and when he does, it’s like they’re complete strangers.  

Nick’s taking advantage of his trips across the room to look at the pair from the corner of his eyes. They’re standing next to the opposite wall, but it’s not far enough that Nick can’t hear them. Tobias is way too close to Charlie for his taste but, as he can’t do anything about it, he sucks it up, biting back a growl and an eye-roll that would instantly give him away to the rest of the class. Then, Charlie’s giggle erupts amongst the low hum of the room, and Nick freezes. There was a time when he thought, quite ridiculously, that this giggle was reserved for him. How foolish he’d been.

For fuck’s sake, why can’t Tobias leave Charlie alone?!

Class isn’t made to chat up people, you tosser. Take your dirty hands off his shoulder!

And that’s when Nick hears it. A stomach-churning sentence that stops his heart and turns his blood cold. The box he’s currently carrying falls from his hands with a loud thud. Another rejection that he didn’t even ask for. Nick is getting sick of it. Does Charlie have a fucking problem with him?! How can this man, so sweet and so kind to everyone else, be so utterly cruel to him? For how much Nick still loves Charlie, this is going too far. If Charlie mentions the whole boyfriend thing once again, Nick doesn’t know if he’ll be able to hold back.

💬💬

On the morning of the seventh Friday, the lecturer is running late, and Charlie can’t take Nick’s sad looks anymore. Ironically, he thinks that things would be easier if Nick acted as if he didn’t exist. Why does he look so depressed around him? He brought whatever’s making him feel down upon himself! Charlie hates that he’s the one having to make the first move after Nick was the one to ruin their friendship, but anger and devastation have given way to yearning and frustration, and he’s desperate for Nick to talk to him again. 

Charlie doesn’t know if they’ll ever be able to come back from this, but he’s willing to take his chance. He’s sick of pretending he despises Nick just to stave off his pain. He has to acknowledge the wound if he wants to stitch it up. Yet, when he approaches Nick and opens his mouth, what comes out is a spurt of acid, his words more bitter than anything he’s ever heard himself say before.

“Hi, Nick,” he says. The man in front of him looks almost panicked, shock painfully obvious in his wide, golden eyes. He’s still so, so beautiful, and Charlie forgets what he came here for. “Are you done ignoring me, or are you still too busy with the uni friends, that you claimed not to have, to talk to me?”

Charlie curses himself internally. He’s been pretending to be angry for so long, he doesn’t know how to function without doing it anymore. Dropping the pretence is like presenting himself naked in front of Nick. Which Charlie wouldn’t mind doing, but the circumstances would have to be very different. 

“What? What are you talking about?” Nick’s sporting an adorable frown, but Charlie can’t let himself get distracted.

“It’s been weeks and you’ve barely acknowledged me. We used to talk every day. A girl can start to wonder.”

Charlie feels rotten to his core. Why is he like this? This is supposed to be him breaking the ice and trying to mend his friendship with Nick, and he just has to ruin it all by being rude and clever. Nick’s features are immediately flooded by regret, and gloom obscures his usually bright pupils. Charlie is so tired of Nick being miserable because of him, he just wishes he could make it all go away. He doesn’t know how, though. He already apologised for what he did wrong, and every time he tries to strike up a conversation, it’s like his survival instinct takes over, and makes him say horrible things to ensure that Nick - and potential pain - will stay away.

“I’m - I’m sorry for that time, Char,” Nick sighs, “but you’re the one who told me not to talk to you again if I remem-” 

“Don’t ‘Char’ me, Nelson,” Charlie interrupts. For some reason, the nickname sets Charlie off. It’s a reminder of everything that he’s lost, and all his buried hurt comes back to the surface instantly. His voice is getting pathetic, shaky under the threat of tears. “And don't you dare blame me. You can't just ignore me out of nowhere and expect me to be okay with it. I’m not something to be ashamed of.” Then, all the anguish and the venom in his voice is replaced by an unnerving lightness. His teasing sounds wrong, forced, but he wants Nick to react, to blow up like Charlie’s heart has been crumbling for eight weeks now. So Charlie says the thing that he knows for sure brings a reaction out of Nick every time, despite knowing how wrong it is. “That’s no way to treat your boyfriend, if you want my opinion.”

“OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE,” Nick explodes, “would you just STOP it with your boyfriend bollocks?! Why can’t you stop bringing it up?!” 

His eyes are wild, wide open and thunderous, and his chest is rising dangerously fast. 

Charlie takes a step back. 

He’s horrified. 

Afraid.

Around them, the room is frozen in shock. Nobody dares to move. Only Nick’s panting pierces the heavy silence that has settled all around them. After his outburst, mortification reaches Nick’s face like an afterthought. His cheeks colour furiously, and when he shakes his head dejectedly, Charlie can see tears forming in his eyes. He has never looked so lost before.

Suddenly, it seems like they’re miles away, separated by a whole ocean of misunderstandings and irreparable despair. 

“Sorry, sorry!” The lecturer apologises as she bursts into class, blissfully unaware of the tension that she’s breaking. “I got caught up in a meeting about what's appropriate to use the shared printer for, of all things. You don’t want to know the horrors I’ve witnessed.”

Charlie is short of breath, rooted in place as everyone, including Nick, make their way to the centre of the room, where the teacher is headed. He knows for a fact that Nick’s not homophobic (why would he join the LGBTQ+ soc if he was?), so he must just hate him. That’s a possibility he had considered before, and he was always quick to dismiss it. But now…

Charlie thought he’d found a best friend in Nick, someone who understood him and accepted him for exactly who he was, but he was just a distraction for the older boy. Someone who was at his beck and call as Nick was separated from his friends during the summer holidays. Charlie can feel the remnants of his hope vanish into thin air with the blow of Nick’s spurt of anger.

Charlie’s desperate to feel the same anger that kept him standing for the last two months, but it doesn’t come. He’s despondent, rendered useless by Nick’s brutal rejection. For the rest of the morning, he’s on autopilot, moving without a thought in his head, ignoring the teacher’s questions about a play he really enjoyed. Nick doesn’t fare any better. He’s usually pretty quiet, but he always engages in the activities. Now, when Charlie dares to look at him, his head is low and his eyes are vacant. 

In fact, Charlie’s so out of it that by the time midday strikes and Tobias asks him if he wants to go out with him next Saturday (he says something about having a chess competition this weekend, and not wanting to go out on weeknights), he says yes without thinking. It’s not like he has many other options presenting themselves, anyway. Because now, he knows. 

He is the problem.

Chapter Text

Charlie’s truly regretting taking this fucking theatre class. Until now, it’d been hard to see Nick every week, but it used to fill a rugby-lad-shaped hole in his chest. He hadn’t known how to approach his best friend, but a flicker of hope still remained, a tiny lighted match, bright enough to illuminate a whole cave of hollowness and uncertainty. At the time, Charlie could at least relish in the fact that Nick seemed attuned to his every move, as if their two souls were connected by an invisible and unbreakable thread.

Sadly, these days are gone. It’s the end of October now, and Charlie must face it: his relationship with Nick is completely, irredeemably done. The thread was frayed when Nick yelled at him to leave him alone a week ago. Charlie knows he deserved it. Nick wouldn’t have said anything if Charlie hadn’t nagged at him like he did. He’s not blinded by resentment anymore; his bitterness is entirely directed at himself for his general inability to talk things through with people who matter. However, it doesn’t make it hurt less. Because, if Nick’s sad looks were unbearable, his shifting gaze is absolutely soul-crushing.

Moreover, ever since Charlie agreed to go on a date with Tobias, the other boy hasn’t left his side. He’s been trotting behind Charlie all week, following him in corridors and sitting next to him in every class. Charlie’s never exactly loved the guy, but he’s always tried to be nice. He knows what it’s like to be the queer kid, considered different by most people due to his sexuality and nerdy interests. Nevertheless, Tobias’ wearisome personality is getting harder and harder to ignore. Charlie has no idea how he’ll survive their date on the weekend. It’s Friday afternoon still, and he can’t wait for Saturday night to be over. The only thing keeping him from cancelling their plans is the thought of spending another night wallowing in self-pity like he’s done for a week straight, now. 

Now, Charlie knows that he can’t evade the problem forever. He has to actually sit himself down, accept the fact that Nick was never an option in the first place, and learn to deal with his heartbreak without going out every two nights. And if dating Tobias can help him move forward and emancipate from Nick’s hold even a little bit, then Charlie’s willing to give it a try.

“Alright,” the teacher interjects, trying to get everyone’s attention amidst the brouhaha. There’s only an hour left before the end of the day, and people are starting to get distracted. “I would like to try another exercise, for which you’ll need to work in pairs.”

For fuck’s sake.

Tobias is going to ask Charlie to pair up with him. Charlie can already feel his eyes on him, and he fights the urge to roll his own. 

“I want you to sit down side by side with your partner, each of you looking in the opposite direction. You can’t look at each other, but you have to listen. Each of you will have a 5-minute time slot, during which the other person will have to listen to you without interrupting. You can say whatever’s on your mind at the moment, there are no rules. Listening is a fundamental part of acting, so this is a great opportunity to learn how to achieve this. You can sit in silence if that’s what you want, but I encourage you to try telling something. Who knows, maybe something interesting will come out of it.”

Charlie’s groaning internally. What will he talk about with Tobias for five minutes straight? Worse, he’ll have to listen to the guy talk about chess or something without interrupting him. He’s preparing himself to spend the next ten minutes in complete silence when he hears the teacher announce that she’s choosing the groups herself to “spice things up and break up usual pairings”.

“Charles Spring, you’ll be with… Let’s see… Let’s say Nicholas Nelson! I never see you lads talk, maybe you’ll both get a new mate out of it!”

If Charlie wasn’t busy choking on his own saliva, he would be scoffing at the teacher’s misplaced cheeriness. He can hear Tobias’ annoyed puffs next to him, but he doesn’t pay attention. He’s too enthralled by Nick’s honey-brown eyes, meeting his own for the first time in days. What a dizzying sight… Charlie feels like one of Plato’s prisoners, discovering natural light for the first time. He very nearly dies at the sight of it, but then again, maybe this is a death he has to go through to heal and resurrect as a braver man. 

Charlie’s heartbeats are getting erratic, knocking so hard on the drumhead of his chest that he’s afraid his torso will burst open. His breath catches in his throat as he realises he’s minutes away from talking to Nick for the first time since they fought in front of everybody. Charlie’s terrified. He’s fearing Nick’s reaction, the potential disgust in his eyes and the venom in his voice, but most of all, he’s afraid of his own conflicting desires. He genuinely can’t say what he’s more afraid of. What if Nick throws insults at him? Even worse, what if Nick refuses to talk? Charlie’s desperate to hear his voice. He thinks back to their phone calls last summer, and how his tone was warmer than the blankets Charlie liked to drape around himself to simulate the sensation of Nick’s arms around him. With all that being said, Charlie’s not sure he can bear to hear the bitterness that he heard in Nick’s voice last week, yet again.

So, as usual, Charlie deals with his overwhelming emotions by repressing them the hardest that he can. He puts on a mask of contempt and indifference and marches towards his ex-best friend. When Charlie arrives at his level, he finds that he’s incapable of meeting Nick’s eyes. His hands are shaking with nerves, so he hides them in his jeans pockets. The only indication that Nick noticed his presence beside him is a tiny sigh, simultaneously soft and spiky, just like a feather. They’re standing there like two idiots, their breathing slightly louder than usual, but neither of them dares to be the one breaking the silence. After a few seconds of unbearable tension, the blonde turns his back wordlessly, silently guiding Charlie towards the edge of the room.

When they reach a corner that’s fairly far from the centre of the stage, Nick sits down on the floor and crosses his legs, his eyes resolutely fixed on the black wall in front of him. Charlie follows his lead and sits next to him, his torso facing the opposite direction. He’s grateful for the background noise of people laughing and fighting about when they should start their timer, because it conceals his shaky exhales as he tries to calm himself. 

This is it. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Nick can’t run away now, this is your chance to talk and find out why he hates you.

Charlie knows all of this, and yet, when he opens his mouth, nothing comes out. His throat is constricting with pure terror as a thick tension crackles between them. It’s never been like this with Nick, even at their worst. This atmosphere feels suffocating. Charlie can feel every one of Nick’s micro-movements, even though he’s staring straight ahead and can’t actually see what he’s doing. The older boy seems to be vibrating with nerves. Or is it anger? Charlie’s not eager to find out. 

"So, are you gonna talk at all, or…" Nick finally asks, his voice calm but tinged with a mix of exhaustion and annoyance.

Charlie nearly jumps at the sound.

"Shut up,” he snaps reflexively, “it's my turn."

Charlie shakes himself and takes his phone out of his pocket to set a five-minute timer while Nick defensively mimes zipping his lips with his fingers.

"Besides, I don't have to,” Charlie adds as an afterthought, unable to keep a sulky pout from his face. “She said we could sit in silence if we wanted to."

Charlie’s gaze nervously flees to the corner of his eyes, and he notices Nick’s Adam’s apple moving up and down, but the man doesn’t comment on Charlie’s remark. He seems determined to respect the rules of the lecturer’s exercise. That, or he’s given up on talking to Charlie. This conjures up a frustrated huff from the younger boy.

His eyes go back to the numbers flashing up on his screen, and he suddenly feels like he will never be able to live with himself if he doesn’t at least try to tell Nick his side of the story. As stupid as that sounds, seeing time physically go by makes him realise how stupid it’s been to ignore Nick for so long. He will never be at peace with himself until he’s figured out exactly what happened with his friend.

After that, words start tumbling out. 

“I considered you my best friend, you know? I realise we only spent one evening in person together, but our texts, our calls… They meant a lot to me.” Charlie’s voice is shaking and deformed by the lump that obstructs his throat, but he doesn’t stop. He couldn’t if he wanted to. “I was terrified of going to uni without any of my school friends, but thanks to you, I went in thinking I had an ally here. I just didn’t realise you'd dump me the first chance you got. I just…” Charlie sighs, at a loss for words. He’s deflating, suddenly exhausted by the months of crushing sadness and incomprehension that led to this moment. Next to him, Nick has stopped breathing. “I don’t understand what happened. I don’t understand why you hate me all of a sudden. The Nick I knew liked me, he wouldn't have… He wouldn’t have done that…”

Charlie snaps his jaw shut, mortified by how whiny he sounds. However, his outburst seems to have cracked Nick’s resolve. Charlie’s so focused on trying to keep his tears at bay that he’s almost surprised to hear Nick’s voice in response.

“Oh, Char…” He breathes out in an achingly soft exhale, momentarily forgetting that he’s not supposed to interrupt. Then, he seems to remember how Charlie berated him for using this nickname a week ago and immediately corrects himself. “Sorry. Charlie. Can I talk?” 

Charlie’s staring at the dirty laces of his Converses. The sound of chatter around them makes his ears buzz. He can’t see Nick’s face, but his tone sounds pleading. The lecturer was right. It’s easier to talk this way. Charlie's not sure he could have said what he just said while looking at Nick’s face. Perhaps it will be easier to listen like this as well, without wounded amber weighing on him. 

“Go ahead,” Charlie sighs after a few seconds of silent hesitation.

“I’m so sorry, Charlie. I never intended to make you feel like this. I don’t hate you. I never have, and I never will.”

Nick’s voice is regretful but unwavering. He means what he’s saying. For the first time in weeks, Charlie feels like he can breathe all the way again. His mind is still mired in confusion, but he’s finally able to push away some of the branches that are obstructing his mental path. At the other end, some light appears.

“You were my best friend, too,” Nick continues. “The best I’ve ever had. I wish… Ugh.” Nick stops himself and his breathing gets heavier, as if the words are physically painful to get out. When he speaks again, his voice is reduced to a gloomy grumble. “It just hurt a lot, okay?”

“What did? You’re the one who ignored me, Nick!” Charlie cries out, but his heart isn't in it. He just wants to understand.

“I know,” Nick replies tersely. “I’m talking about the party. I can’t stop thinking about it. You knew how lonely I’d been, you knew I wasn't feeling that confident about relationships, and when Elle implied we were dating, you laughed in her face. Literally. Did you ever pause to think about how that would make me feel?”

As his words hang in the air for a few seconds, a shiver runs through Charlie's entire body. They’ve totally abandoned the exercise, now, but Charlie doesn’t mind about that. He’s never liked this aspect of class, anyway.

“What?”

“I thought you were the only person who truly saw and accepted me for who I was, with all of my insecurities, and you dismissed it like it was a ludicrous idea. As if anyone being interested in me was a ridiculous idea. So, sorry if I got a little upset. It was difficult to face you after that,” Nick explains bitterly. 

“Oh, Nick...” Charlie whispers sadly. 

The dark-haired boy is dumbfounded. He would never have expected this. Not in a million years. Which is infuriating and stupid of him, because Elle tried to warn him all this time ago. He was so blinded by his hurt and his own insecurities that he failed to recognise these same signs in his best friend’s behaviour. His heart is breaking for Nick, who spent all this time thinking Charlie found him unloveable when it was in fact the complete opposite of what he believed.

For the first time since the start of the exercise, Charlie turns his head towards the blonde. He immediately regrets it. The sight of Nick beside him, looking so small despite his 6 foot 2 figure, is almost unbearable. Their shoulders don’t touch, but Charlie can feel him shaking slightly. He yearns to reach out a hand to him, but he knows they’re not there quite yet. First and foremost, Charlie has to make things right. He will explain himself, and hopefully, Nick will laugh at how ridiculous this whole misunderstanding was in a matter of seconds.

“I don’t know what to say,” Charlie confesses softly. “I didn't mean it like that. I truly didn't. It’s just… I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. It kinda is ridiculous, the idea of you dating me. Isn’t it?”

Nick doesn’t laugh, though. In fact, he only seems to grow even more frustrated.

“Why?!” Nick exclaims. “If you didn’t mean it ‘like that’, then why do you keep repeating that like it’s the fucking most obvious thing in the world?!”

“Because you’re straight!!” Charlie explodes. “And I’ll let you know that it can be pretty dangerous for me to imply that I’m dating a straight guy to his face!”

“You think I’m -” Nick huffs in disbelief, like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “You really think I’m straight?! Where the fuck did you get that idea?! I’m bi. Everyone knows that!”

“What? I didn’t! How- How didn’t I know?” Charlie’s freaking out. He closes his eyes, and stars appear inside his eyelids. Why didn't they tell him about the Sun? Why didn't they tell him that he could have bathed in his warmth all this time? “You never said!”

“Charlie,” Nick protests indignantly, “I told you I had a crush on Paul Mescal!”

“I thought it was a straight boy crush, just like these guys who like Ryan Reynolds!”

Charlie is aware he’s being ridiculous, but he’s so afraid of what this revelation entails that his knee-jerk reaction is to reject it, even if this is the best, most wonderful news he’s ever heard.

“For fuck’s sake… What do I have to do for people not to assume? Offer a blowjob on the first message?!” Nick nearly shouts, before cursing quietly, probably not having intended to be this loud.

Just like it did a week ago, the room falls silent at Nick’s outburst. Charlie winces and offers an apologetic smile to all the people turning to see what’s going on. He notices Tobias frowning and seeking his eyes, but he steadfastly avoids his gaze. He can't let him believe that they’re in some kind of alliance against Nick. This is entirely Charlie’s fault. He feels like he’s been slapped, but he knows he deserves it. He should know better than just assume things about people. As a straight-passing bisexual man, Nick must have been subject to so much prejudice, and he hates to think he’s contributed to that despite himself. There were so many tangible signs that Nick was straight, though! Or were there? Charlie doesn’t know anymore. 

“I see that Nick and Charlie are really opening themselves to the conversation,” the lecturer notes with her usual cheerful tone, “that’s great, lads! But let’s try to keep it civil, okay?”

Charlie gives her a bashful nod, and just like that, the conversations around them resume.

“Sorry,” Nick whispers, leaning his shoulder on Charlie’s ever so slightly, as if asking for forgiveness. Charlie almost combusts at the contact. “I- Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just… Why would I like your profile in the first place if I…” Nick sighs, sounding exhausted, all of a sudden. “You know what? Never mind.”

Nick’s got a point. Charlie did put a pride flag emoji in his bio, so why would he have liked his profile if he was homophobic? Still, the thought of the flag sparks a painful memory in Charlie’s mind… 

“Listen, I’m sorry for assuming, Nick, I really am, but you can understand where I’m coming from, can’t you? You literally said you were straight on Insta! I was so afraid I made you uncomfortable when Elle interrupted that I made these stupid comments just to let you know it was okay that you weren’t interested in me. But then you ignored me, and it cemented my fear that you were upset about people assuming we were dating.”

“Even if I was straight, I would never be upset over people making those kind of assumptions about us… Plus, I never said I was…” Nick trails off, stiffening against Charlie. Then, his voice is reduced to a horrified whisper: “Oh fuck, I kinda did. You saw the straight ally flag, didn’t you?”

“Yes! Why?” Charlie lets out an awkward laugh. “Was I not supposed to?” 

“Fucking hell,” Nick groans, “of course, you saw that… You must have followed my old account. I got locked out of it ages ago. I was… I was just so confused when I made that post; I was hanging out with dickheads like Harry Greene - Harry Greene was a popular guy at my school, he was just this awful entitled bully - and, and… I just couldn't make sense of all my feelings… I’d just seen a post about Pride Month and I thought maybe I was a very good ally, because… There was this gay kid that Harry was bothering all the time, and whenever I saw him from afar, I just…” A self-conscious chuckle interrupts Nick’s rambling. Charlie still can’t see him, but he can feel him shaking his head. He doesn’t register it, though. He’s too stunned by what he’s hearing. “I thought he was so handsome, and I liked his hair so much. I wanted to be his friend so bad, but it took me too long to do anything about it, and then I never saw him again. Looking back, it's so obvious that I had a big crush on this boy.”

Charlie’s lips are parted by shock. Does it… Does it mean what he thinks it means? Can he let himself hope? 

“Nick,” he begins tentatively, his voice trembling under the weight of his astonishment. “I know who Harry is. I went to Truham too.”

The admission makes Nick freeze. Charlie holds his breath, as if Nick’s a house of cards that’s one exhale away from crumbling beside him.

“What?”

“I was the only out gay kid there. And Harry threw balls at my head during lunch.”

Nick sucks in a sharp breath, and for the first time, he turns his head to take a proper look at Charlie. His eyes are wide and bright, two guiding stars in Charlie’s galaxy. His fair eyebrows shoot up in bewilderment and, when a flash of recognition reaches his features, a light blush blooms on his cheeks before spreading to his neck and clavicle, barely visible behind the collar of his grey sweatshirt. Charlie can’t help but think he would like to kiss his flushing skin and feel the warmth under his lips.

“Oh my fucking god…” Nick whispers after a few seconds, turning back to the wall in front of him.

Oh my fucking god, indeed. 

Nick has crushed on Charlie in school. Nick has crushed on Charlie, period! How is that even possible? Charlie didn’t know who he was until they met on the Leeds Uni App! Going from thinking Nick was straight to learning he liked him years ago in less than ten minutes gives him whiplash. Charlie honestly feels like he’s slipped into an alternate reality. His mind is reeling with interrogations. Would he have noticed Nick if Harry’s bullying hadn’t driven him to hide in Mr. Ajayi’s art room during breaks until the older boy left for uni? Charlie hates to live in the past, but he can’t help but wonder if he could have been friends with Nick for way longer. Or, maybe, a little more than friends… 

Most importantly, could Nick ever crush on him again?

Charlie has a lot of apologising to do if he wants a chance of that happening. 

“I saw Harry on your old Insta profile and thought… I don't know what I thought, but I didn't think you would be queer,” Charlie explains, his tone serious. Words are pouring out of him, as if the length of his apology could influence the chances of Nick forgiving him. “I’m so, so sorry, Nick. I’m mortified right now. Of course, I shouldn’t have assumed. And I was so rude to you, time and time again… I really fucked up. I didn't mean to be so cruel to you, I just missed my friend, and I wanted you to stop ignoring me. It’s just… I know this doesn’t excuse anything but, in my experience, it’s safer to assume the worst sometimes. And when you stopped answering me, I got into my own head. I convinced myself that you were upset because of the dating stuff. There was also the fact that you didn’t sign up on the app for dating people, after all, so I didn’t know I could expect more from you.”

“What do you mean I ‘didn’t sign up for dating people’?” Nick asks. He sounds somehow agitated, but he’s still facing the wall, so Charlie can’t read his expression.

Has he forgotten that they met on a meeting-up app, somehow? Charlie remembers the sinking disappointment he’d felt every time he checked Nick’s profile last summer. The “Friends” button was perpetually there, taunting him viciously next to Nick’s name. They then went on to talk outside of the app, but Charlie was still agonising over this detail. Nick wasn't looking for love, and that was alright. Too bad Charlie was falling for him. That was his problem to deal with.

“Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but the app has a dating feature too. Your profile said you were seeking platonic relationships, though, so I never thought… I never imagined you to be…”

“My profile said what?” Nick murmurs, but Charlie doesn't hear him and interprets his silence as anger.

“I realise how wrong it was to assume your sexuality based on your lack of desire to date. I’m really sorry about the way I acted, Nick, you have to believe me,” Charlie pleads. He knows he has a lot to make up for, and he's ready to work for it. However, he refuses to corner Nick into forgiving him. “Your friendship meant the world to me, but I understand if you feel like I don’t deserve it anymore. Could we at least have a truce, though? Not jump at each other’s throat every time we see each other?” 

Charlie doesn’t dare to move. He feels like Nick’s answer will determine the rest of his life. Perhaps it’s not far off the truth. They’ve already lost two months because of their insecurities, and Charlie doesn’t know if he can bear to be separated from his best friend now that he knows why he acted this way. Charlie understands where Nick is coming from, and he forgives him. He just hopes Nick will find it in him to do the same, eventually. God knows Charlie was the harshest out of the two. 

In a bold move reminiscent of their first night together, Charlie puts his left hand between their two bodies. He has to be brave now. He has to put his heart on the line if he wants Nick to understand how much he’s worth to him. That’s the very definition of high stakes: you have to be willing to lose a lot if what you aim for is priceless. 

Nick’s chin is slightly turned towards Charlie, but the man himself stays still for a few seconds. He breathes deeply, as if air would come to miss after he made his decision. When the blonde finally lifts his arm from his lap in an excruciatingly slow movement, Charlie can’t help but gasp in relief. Nick’s about to brush Charlie’s pinky with his own when the voice of the lecturer makes them jump apart.

“Okay everyone, time’s up! Stay with your current partner, we’ll try something else.”

Charlie doesn’t know if he wants to murder or thank her. He’s frustrated at the interruption, but she’s the one who gave them the opportunity to finally talk, after all. Who knew this class would come to be so helpful…

Talk is precisely what they’re not allowed to do during this new exercise. This time, the woman asks them to sit face to face and stare into each other’s eyes for five minutes. She says something about allowing themselves to be open and vulnerable, and really pay attention to their partner in a world where we barely take the time to look at other people. Charlie would lie if he said it didn’t resonate a little. 

He wants to be mad at her, especially when he notices Nick shift in discomfort, but he really isn’t. He’s missed Nick’s gaze on him. Actually, he’s missed everything about his friend, from his kind eyes to the light freckles that he can only distinguish from up close now that it’s autumn. The exercise hasn’t started yet, and Charlie finds that he already can’t look away from Nick as they rearrange their position so that they’re facing each other. He’s spent so long trying to fight the gravitational pull that draws him to Nick that he’s propelled towards him like an arrow springing from a bowstring now that they’ve made up. Have they really, though? Charlie can’t help but notice that the older boy hasn’t answered his question.

Nick takes a shaky breath, the lecturer announces that the timer is on, and the exercise begins.

For the first few seconds, Nick is looking at the floor. Charlie’s staring at his face in a silent prayer, terrified of what this must mean. Staring into each other’s eyes after confessing their deepest insecurities feels insurmountable, and yet, Charlie believes he will die if Nick doesn’t look at him. He needs his gaze like he needs water, air and light; he feels it in his every pore, and he sees it in every thought he’s ever had and every drop of blood his heart has ever pumped. Because being seen by Nick is like being blessed with the knowledge that his existence is a wool thread woven into that of the most wonderful boy this world has ever carried.

Just when Charlie thinks Nick won’t look at him at all, his eyes flutter and the boy lifts his gaze an inch higher. If Charlie wasn’t scrutinising his features, he couldn’t have noticed it. The tension that preceded the first exercise is back, and Charlie feels like the air between them is solid, like a battering ram keeping them apart by pressing on both of their chests. In a painfully slow progression, Nick’s eyes travel from Charlie’s feet to his chin. His eyes stay stuck here for a while, his breath stuttering between his parted lips. 

Then, finally, honey-brown eyes meet cerulean blue.

Time stops and reverses, until Nick and Charlie are back to the dawn of time, when they were mere elements clashing together. This is the meeting of an ocean and its sandy beaches, the Moon and the stars, the Earth and the Sun. Everything besides them ceases to exist. Charlie forgets about Tobias, the lecturer and the other students laughing nervously around them. He forgets about their misunderstanding and all the heartbreak that followed. All that remains is Nick’s porcelain skin, his sun-coloured hair, and Charlie’s earth-shattering love for him. 

Allowing himself to fully embrace it feels absolutely amazing. Charlie’s lungs are expanding with the sheer volume of the affection they contain, and he lets them without fearing they might explode. It’s not time for fright, anymore. Butterflies erupt in Charlie’s stomach and a small gasp escapes him. He realises then that the ocean between him and Nick has disappeared. They’re standing on the same beach, naked for the other to see. Nick has never looked so breathtakingly beautiful. He’s sporting a tiny pout, and Charlie finds it so endearing that he can’t help a fond smile from forming on his own face.

As if on cue, a grin starts tugging at Nick’s lips as well. He tries to fight it at first, but soon enough, his signature lopsided smile replaces his adorable frown. Charlie can’t hold back a bashful giggle, which is almost immediately followed by one of Nick’s slightly exasperated chuckles. For the first time in weeks, they laugh together, and it feels like they’re acknowledging how stupid they were. How much they care for each other, and how crucial it is to never let something like this happen again. 

Then, something in Nick’s expression shifts, and the brown of his irises melts like warmed butter. His eyes soften to an impossibly tender gaze, and his smile vanishes. He blinks, and just like that, a veil of gravity falls on his face. Suddenly, it becomes obvious to Charlie. Nick’s pupils are so dilated that there’s barely any amber visible anymore. He looks at Charlie as if he’s the only thing worth seeing in this world, and the younger boy gets overwhelmed by the sense of security he feels under the blonde’s stare. 

Charlie wonders how he hasn’t seen it before. Nick liked him when they were in school, and he crushed on him again when they met on the Leeds Uni Meeting-up App. He likes him still, he has for months, and Charlie has broken his heart.

There’s an unmistakable melancholy in Nick’s expression. He looks like he’s watching the sunset for the last time and he’s trying to memorise every detail of it. Little by little, like grains of sand falling inside an hourglass, small tears start to appear in the corner of his eyes, before lodging themselves at the border of his lashes. Nick clenches his jaw and his nostrils flare up in an attempt to keep them from falling, but he never averts his eyes. Charlie is rendered breathless by the sight.

“Nick…” Charlie breathes out, but the whisper is so quiet, that he isn’t sure he hears it himself. He doesn’t even know if there’s something to say. The damage is done. 

After thirty seconds of struggle, a tear finally escapes from its flesh prison. Like a drop of rain running on a daisy’s stem, the tear slips on one of Nick’s eyelashes and dangles there for a second that feels like two millenniums combined. Charlie’s riveted by this bleak spectacle. Neither of them looks away.

Then, three things happen at the same time.

The tear drops on Nick’s pale cheek, the lecturer calls time out, and Nick jumps to his feet. He’s up so fast that it almost makes Charlie dizzy by procuration. It only takes one more second for Nick to wipe his eyes, pick up his bag from the floor, and bolt out of the room. Charlie remains gaping on the floor.

What the hell was that?

💬💬

Charlie’s lying on his bed, still speechless from this afternoon’s events. His flatmates offered him to go out with them, but he declined. It’s not out of sadness, this time, but out of shock. He has too many pieces of information to process to even think about entertaining a conversation with multiple people tonight.

First, Nick doesn’t hate him. Secondly, Nick is bisexual. Finally, Nick likes him. Romantically. He thinks.

This is enough to throw Charlie’s world out of its axis. He’s torn between elation, pure astonishment, and regret. Because, if Nick’s reaction during their last exercise is anything to go by, he isn’t ready to forgive Charlie. The younger boy gets it. If Nick had been the one denying vehemently that they were in a relationship, time and time again, before asking him to delete his number, he would have done far worse than ignoring the other boy. Actually, Nick’s reaction only makes Charlie love him more, now that he’s talked about it with Elle over the phone.

He’d called her the minute he was back home. His mind was still reeling with confusion and he needed someone to vent to, even if he’d been too ashamed to talk to his friends about Nick until now. 

“I still don’t get it, Elle,” Charlie whined to his friend after catching her up with everything that had gone down during the last few weeks, “why didn’t he text me if he really likes me? Why didn’t he try to explain himself once if he truly cares about me?”

“He’s Nick! I only spent one evening with him, and even I can tell he’s the sweetest soul ever. Obviously, he won’t text you if you tell him to stop bothering you!”

Elle had a point. This only intensified Charlie’s guilt, though. What a shitty friend he’d been…

“And you, why didn’t you tell me that Nick wasn’t straight?”

“I literally told you the day after I met him!” Elle protested.

“No, I know, but you knew for sure, right? After that night? Don’t make me believe that you didn’t ask Tara!” Charlie wasn’t angry, he was just trying to understand how such a shit show could have happened when Nick and he had friends who knew each other.

“I didn’t! I was sure he was interested in you at the time, but I didn’t know if he was out or anything…” The girl explained, always the wisest one of the group. “She just told me he was miserable when you stopped talking. She asked me if I knew what happened, but you didn’t tell us anything, so… I didn’t think your whole fight had something to do with him being supposedly straight, though!”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly that…” Charlie winced, now very conscious of how stupid he’d been. “I just got into my own head because of my stupid insecurities and I took it out on Nick when he ignored me the day after. He was just hurt by the horrible things I’d said to him, and I blamed him for it…” 

“Now, now, Charlie-bear. It’s all better now, isn’t it? You talked things through, haven’t you? You told him you like him too?”

“I-” Fuck. “No. I didn’t.”

“Charlie!” Elle exclaimed. “The poor boy just poured his heart out to you, and you didn’t even think to tell him that you’re crushing on him just as hard?!”

“I still thought he was straight three hours ago, my head was all over the place! Plus, he didn’t say he was interested! I just suspect that he is, but I’m actually not sure. Also, I was awful to him, so even if he is, it’s not like he’ll want to date me.”

“Well, making assumptions has worked well for you until now, hasn’t it…” Elle teases cleverly.

“Oh, shut up… I’ll… I’ll talk to him. Eventually. I just want to be friends with him again, first. I seriously need to make it up to him. I really, really fucked up.”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’m still baffled about the fact that you were convinced he was straight all this time, though. He literally made a bi-pride post a few weeks ago!”

Oh, god. 

Elle followed his real Instagram account, and he didn’t. He was a complete idiot, wasn’t he?

“On Instagram?”

“Yes! Didn’t you see?”

Charlie was too embarrassed to admit his mistake to Elle, so he let her assume he unfollowed Nick after their fight. She then sent him a screenshot of his most recent posts. The pictures looked nothing like the ones on his old account. Charlie could actually recognise his best friend in these publications. He got teary-eyed at the sight. This was his Nick. No wonder he constructed a fake image of him in his head if his old account was his reference point. Charlie wished he’d never looked him up on social media. Then, maybe he’d have been with Nick today.

Nick’s pride post dated back to September 23rd and was a selfie of Nick, smiling brightly at the camera with his cheeks painted in pink, purple and blue. Tara and Darcy were making funny faces on his sides, and his eyes were sparkling with joy. The picture was simply captioned “My first Bisexual Pride Day 💖💜💙”. Charlie actually had to muffle a sob at the sight. Nick looked so happy. So proud. Charlie couldn’t stand the idea of having spent that day thinking Nick was straight when he could have been there celebrating by his side, telling him how loved he was. 

Other pictures showed Nick with Nellie at the park, at brunch with Tara and Darcy, and on the rugby pitch, crushed in a hug by three muscular boys that Charlie remembered being called Sai, Otis and Christian from the party they all went to at the beginning of the year. There were even a few pictures with the dark-haired girl that Charlie had taken for Nick’s girlfriend all these weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime had passed between then and now.

Thirty minutes after hanging up with Elle, Charlie’s still staring at Nick’s posts. His cheeks are damp with guilty tears and missed opportunities. He’s screwed up his chance with the best person he's ever known, but god help him if he isn’t going to try his hardest to salvage their friendship. Charlie debates sending Nick a request, but he stops himself. They have to talk face-to-face before he attempts anything online. The last thing he’d want is to hassle Nick before he’s sure that he’s ready to talk to him again.

Charlie’s rolling on his side when a message from Tobias comes through. He’s saying he can’t wait for tomorrow night, and Charlie groans at the thought. He can’t cancel now, though. However Nick might feel about him, it would be wishful thinking to assume that he would want to date him after all Charlie’s done. He has to focus on finding a way to show him how sorry he is, so that they can hopefully be friends again. It also wouldn’t be fair to Tobias. If Charlie has to reject him, he owes it to him to do it in person. So, Charlie will go out with Tobias just this once, and then focus on repairing Nick’s and his friendship.

It’s impossible to know if Nick will find it in his heart to forgive Charlie, or even if he will still have feelings for him by the time he’ll have done so, but Charlie is hopeful. There’s literally nothing he wouldn’t do to make amends. Hope is a dangerous poison, but Charlie feels invincible now that he’s aware that Nick once had feelings for him. It emboldens him, and makes him float above the doldrums he’s become accustomed to.  

Nick’s affection is the electroshock he needed to understand that he needs to work on his self-confidence if he doesn’t want it to ruin the most precious opportunities of his life. He’s willing to put in all the work necessary so that this kind of misunderstanding never happens again. He will also give Nick all the time he needs. Charlie isn’t going anywhere, because now, he knows. 

His world is infinitely brighter when he can see it reflected in Nick’s eyes.

💬💬

Nick has cried more in the last few months than he’s ever cried in his entire teenage years. He isn’t sure this is a bad thing, though. He’s more attuned to his emotions than he ever was, and he isn’t ashamed of them either. If he had to guess, he would say that Charlie has played a big part in that. The younger boy has shown him a new facet of what masculinity can be, that his father or brother would have never touched on. Nick doesn’t ever want to go back. He always feels better after a good crying session, and his relationships have benefited from this new mindset.

With all that being said, Nick is really hoping his breakdown during the theatre exercise will be his last one. It was a bit ridiculous, actually. He was relieved to be talking to Charlie again. He really was. It’s Saturday night, now, and the thought of them being friends again still fills him with pure elation. Nick realises how much his avoidant tendencies hurt Charlie, and he knows he’ll have to work on this specific issue of his if he doesn’t want it to happen again. Things wouldn’t have escalated like they did if he had had the courage to face Charlie that day. Nick thinks back to the younger boy’s reaction, and can now see how triggering this behaviour must have been for Charlie. Now that he knows who Charlie is, Nick remembers the way some boys he used to be friends with made a show of hugging the walls when they crossed paths with Charlie in the corridors. He loathes himself for never saying anything. For never telling Harry to stop his bullying until it was too late and he never saw Charlie again.

Yet, regrets can’t change the past. Nick still feels like shit at the memory, but Charlie sounded very sorry yesterday, so Nick is almost certain he’ll accept his apologies. This isn’t what actually made him cry when he drowned in Charlie’s dumortierite eyes yesterday afternoon. He feels silly for getting heartbroken once again, but the confirmation that Charlie never was and never will be interested in him romantically hurts just as much every single time. Stupidly, he’d thought that Charlie learning that he was bisexual would perhaps segue into his own admission of love, but Charlie hadn’t said anything besides “Your friendship meant a lot to me.” Nick had clearly admitted to crushing on him hard, and Charlie hadn’t addressed it once during their conversation. 

Nick is an idiot. Their heart-to-heart gave him false hope and he couldn’t stop the disappointment from pouring out of him when Charlie looked at him right in the eyes, all blue gaze and dimpled cheeks. This can never happen again, though. Nick is beyond grateful that their friendship has a chance of being rekindled, and he doesn’t want to ruin it by being a weirdo. He will do anything to make Charlie forgive him (for his past behaviour and for the way he sprinted out of the room on Friday), but he isn’t sure about how he should go about it. He doesn’t know if Charlie has blocked his number and he’s too scared to find out. Nick guesses he could try to reach out on Insta, but he’s become a bit wary of social media after these recent events. He figures that the best option is to wait until he crosses paths with Charlie on campus. 

Until then, Nick will indulge in some ice cream and an Avengers film night. Hopefully, this was the last time he was getting rejected by Charlie Spring.

💬💬

Nick is woken up by his phone ringing. The sound is louder than a siren in the dead of night, but his mind is still laden with sleep, and the call ends before he can pick up. He sits up with a groan, steals a glance towards his digital alarm clock and rubs his eyes grumpily as he reads the time. Who the fuck is calling him at 1:30 in the morning? Nick has decided to leave his phone on his desk during the night (hence the buying of an alarm clock) in hopes of sleeping better, but his efforts are useless if he forgets to put it on fucking silent. 

After a few seconds of grumbling, the fog in Nick’s mind finally clears, and he's suddenly gripped with a striking fear. What if something has happened to his mum? Nick is out of bed in a second, plunging towards his desk and unlocking his phone with shaking hands. 

Nick’s equally relieved and dumbfounded by the multiple notifications he finds there. He has received six text messages, an Instagram follow request and a missed call, all from the same person, who asked him to delete his number several months ago. 

Charlie (00:53)

niiiickzk

bauztuful niskc

Charlie (01:12)

my sun ☀️😍😍😍

whezer are u???!!

Charlie (01:15)

whoooops ure asleep

sorrry

The sight of Charlie’s name is enough to ignite the pounding of his heart. The affection he finds in his messages makes his stomach ache with longing, and he gets emotional at the thought of Charlie thinking about him after a few drinks. Is he out with his friends again, then? Maybe they’ll go out together once they’ve officially made up. Nick’s almost forgotten why he’s awake when another call comes through. He almost drops his phone because of how startled he is, but he still answers it almost immediately. 

“Hello?”

For a while, he can only hear some background noise. Then, there’s breathing at the other end of the line, and, finally, a voice.

“... Nick?” Charlie sounds hesitant. Almost plaintive. Instantly, the fear comes back.

“Charlie? What’s going on?” The blonde inquires falteringly. Worry makes his stomach clench, and he has to grip his desk to keep his left hand from trembling.

“I’m sorry, Nick,” Charlie apologises with a small voice. Nick can hear the slurring in his words now that he’s pronounced an entire sentence. He’s definitely drunk. “I didn’t know who else to call. I mean… We’re cool, yeah?”

Are they? Nick doesn’t know, but he’s so concerned about him that he can’t fathom answering negatively, especially with how afraid Charlie sounds at the moment.

“Of course we’re cool, Charlie,” Nick promises softly. “Are you okay?” 

The silence stretches into time and space, much like the night sky is an infinite and limitless backcloth, until a little sniff breaks it. The tiny sound shatters Nick’s heart. 

“I know I was horrible to you,” Charlie admits with a voice full of unshed tears, “but I didn’t mean to…”

“Oh Char…” Nick breathes out. “That’s okay, we are okay. I wasn’t that nice, either, you know?” 

There’s only another sniff in response, and Nick thinks this will be it, but then:

“That’s not true,” Charlie murmurs. “You’re the kindest person in the entire world.”

Nick sucks in a sharp breath. He can’t help but feel warm all over at the sincerity of the compliment, but he forces himself to refocus on the problem at hand. On any other occasion, hearing Charlie’s voice over the phone after all this time would make his heart race with excitement, but not this time. There’s clearly something wrong with his friend.

“What do you need? Where are you?”

“Hmmm…”

“Char?”

“I like it when you call me that. Makes me feel special,” Charlie confesses in a whisper, and Nick can distinctly hear him smile. 

Nick sighs and tries to relax a little. Charlie doesn’t sound like he’s in immediate danger, but his “I didn’t know who else to call” seemed to imply that he needed someone to help him. There’s a chance he just had the urge to call him after getting drunk at a party, but Nick won’t be able to let it go before he knows for sure that it’s the only reason Charlie is calling him. 

“You’re worrying me, Charlie. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know how to get home,” Charlie admits despondently. “He left me here and there’s no fucking bus anymore… I tried to call an U- an Uber, but my credit card declined, and I just… I just want to get home…”

Nick sees red.

“What?!” He shouts frantically, forgetting that his flatmates are trying to sleep behind the wall. “Who left you?! Where are you, Charlie?!”

Nick doesn't wait for his friend’s response before he puts on his coat and some trainers. He’s never been more thankful for the fact that he sleeps fully clothed. His joggers have some detergent stains on them and his shirt is slightly too tight, but he doesn’t care about that right now. He’s plagued with images of Charlie shivering in the street, his little nose reddened by the cold and his teeth chattering. 

“Tobias,” Charlie says in answer to Nick’s question. “I gave in and agreed to go on a date with him. I don’t think he liked me very much, though, because he left two hours ago. He was the one who drove me here, and now I don’t know how to get home…”

“What?! That fucking twat!!” Nick is fuming. He would lie if he said his anger wasn’t tinged with a bit of gut-wrenching jealousy, but this isn’t the root of his fury. The thought of Charlie being left drunk on his own with no way of getting back to his place makes him sick. He must be so scared.  “I’m so sorry, Charlie, you don’t deserve that...”

“S’fine. I didn’t like him either, anyway. Don’t know why I said yes,” Charlie slurs, before letting out a gusty sigh. “I wish you didn't hate me, Nick. I was a jerk, but that's only because I like you so much…”

“Wh-What?” Nick stutters. “I don’t hate you, Char. I could never hate you…”

They’ve gone over this yesterday, but Charlie must be too drunk to remember their conversation. That, or he doesn’t believe him. The boy does tend to be way too hard on himself.

“Maybe you would’ve ignored me a bit,” Charlie goes on as if Nick hasn’t spoken, “but you would never have left me here all alone…”

Nick couldn’t agree more. Only a world-class arsehole like Tobias would do that. 

What a fucking prick.

Nick shakes his head to clear his mind. He has to get hold of his car keys and find out where Charlie is. It’s not exactly common for uni students to have their own car, but he inherited his great uncle’s motor after the old man was deemed unable to drive a few months back, and he’s never been more thankful for it.

“Where are you? Don’t move, I’m coming to get you.”

“Thank you, my love,” Charlie whispers quietly. “You’re the greatest man who’s ever lived, did you know that Nick Nelson?” He sounds almost sober, and this stops Nick in his tracks just as he’s about to cross the threshold of the flat.

Charlie’s words send a bolt of lightning through Nick’s entire body. For a second, air comes to miss, and he has to take a moment for his butterflies to settle in his tummy. Rationally, he knows that Charlie being drunk and emotive doesn’t mean he likes him, but it’s hard not to get affected when the younger boy sounds so reverent. 

“The address, Char?” Nick asks when he can finally breathe again. Then, he gets out and locks the door behind him.

“I’m at the… hm… it has a bird name… The Swan, I think?”

“Fuck, that’s so far from campus. What a fucking bastard, I better not see his hideous face again, or I swear to god I’ll smack him so hard he’ll see stars for days.”

Charlie giggles at that. Oh, how Nick has missed this sound. Even through the phone, it is richer than buttercream and sweeter than honey. Nick feels like he could live out of it.

“Okay, I’m getting to the car now. I should be there in fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” Charlie answers distractedly.  “Thank you. Love you…”

Charlie promptly hangs up, and Nick is left gaping in shock in front of his car. It takes his soul a good twenty seconds to return to his body. Considering his state, Charlie could have said these words to anyone, but hearing them addressed to him still makes Nick’s heart thump in his chest. 

Nick takes a shaky breath and forces himself to get out of his lovestruck daze.  He has a drunk boy to pick up.

💬💬

“NIIIICK!!!! I knew you would come. My hero… You look like Captain America, did you know that?” Charlie raves loudly and without an ounce of irony as soon as he sees Nick. 

The blonde finds him sitting on the kerb, just outside of The Swan. His eyes are glassy and he’s wrapping his arms around himself to keep the cold away, but he’s thankfully wearing a wool coat that seems warm enough. Nick blushes at his comment and tries not to get distracted by his rosy cheeks or by the way his ebony curls shine under the street lamp’s light.

“Have you had more to drink since we hung up?” Nick asks with a low chuckle. He’s way more prone to laughter now that he’s sure of Charlie’s safety. And, well, perhaps the fact that the dark-haired boy is the most adorable creature Nick has ever seen plays into it as well. 

“Maaaaybe…” Charlie singsongs. He’s getting up now, clearly wobbly on his feet. Nick goes to stabilise him, but Charlie’s faster. He throws himself at Nick and grips his biceps like they’re a lifebelt. Nick’s stomach flutters at the touch and he gasps a little when he notices Charlie staring at his arms and pouting in appreciation. The boy’s breath reeks of tequila, but the delicious smell of his hair is even more overwhelming as he leans against Nick. “Isn’t it crazy? You ask for a drink and then poof! You’ve got a drink! If only you could do that with boyfriends… Fuck, that would be so cool!” 

“Oookay,” Nick soothes as Charlie erupts in a fit of giggles. “let’s go warm you up, now, okay?”

Charlie lifts his gaze to meet Nick’s, and a dreamy smile stretches his lips. Dimples appear, and all of Nick’s thoughts melt away from the warmth they leave in their wake. For a while, Charlie continues to feel his arms. His thumbs caress the fabric-covered skin, and Nick has to repress a full-body shiver. Neither of them looks away. Nick knows he couldn’t if he wanted to. Then, Charlie slowly moves his hands from his arms to get to his lapel, before letting them slide all the way down. When he gets to the level of Nick’s belly, Charlie lets go of the coat and slips his hands inside, until he’s hugging Nick’s waist. Then, he sags against him and buries his head into Nick’s t-shirt, and shuts his eyes tightly. 

Nick is frozen in place. The weight of Charlie’s body against his is exquisite, and he never wants him to let go of his embrace ever again. They’re like two faces of the same pendant; they can be considered individually, but at their core, they’re truly inseparable. Nick’s dying to engulf Charlie in his arms and to slip his fingers in his curls, but he doesn’t know if he should. Is Charlie conscious of what he’s doing? Admittedly, he’s called him by his name multiple times, but he almost certainly wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing if he was sober. 

Charlie saves him from his internal turmoil by letting out the biggest snort that Nick has ever heard. He’s still laughing his head off when Nick asks him what’s going on. 

“Don’t need warming up when you’re so HOT!!” Charlie exclaims gleefully after having placed his chin between Nick’s pecs to take a better look at him. Coupled with his joke, the sight of Charlie’s long eyelashes almost makes Nick faint. “Get it?? You’re so fucking hot you shouldn't be allowed on anc- antra- Arctic Cruises. But you’re also warm, and that’s the best kind of hot.”

Charlie must be right because Nick feels like he’s been set on fire. 

💬💬

Guiding Charlie to Nick’s car isn’t without trouble. The drunk boy doesn’t want to let go of Nick once during their short walk, mumbling under his breath that he’s afraid that Nick will “disappear again”. The admission makes Nick’s guts twist with guilt, especially since it doesn’t feel like it’s something that Charlie means for him to hear.

After settling Charlie into the car and turning up the heat, Nick starts driving towards his own flat. He doesn’t know where Charlie lives, and he doesn’t like the idea of his friend having no one to look after him during the night. What if something happens? What if he falls on his head, or chokes on his vomit? Nick can’t risk it. Unsurprisingly, Charlie doesn’t object to the idea.

They spend the beginning of the journey in silence, except for Charlie’s occasional little grumbles. He seems to be talking about how bright the stars are, but he isn’t looking out the window. In fact, he’s staring at Nick with glazed eyes and a lazy smile. Nick tries not to pay attention to it. The road is dark, and he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to them.

When they’re three minutes away from the bar, Nick is struck by a sudden realisation. 

“You kept my number,” he blurts reverently. For weeks, he’d wondered if Charlie had blocked him, and he’d come to mourn for their calls and text conversations. But now… 

“F’course I kept your number,” Charlie mumbles, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“You told me to delete yours, though,” Nick remarks breathlessly as if he’s at risk of Charlie doing it again now that he’s reminded of it. 

In less time than it takes to say it, the colour drains from Charlie's face. He looks devastated, all of a sudden.

“Did you?” He asks in a small, terrified voice.

“No.”

Nick turns his head towards Charlie for the first time since the beginning of their conversation, and he can see him sag in relief. Charlie turns back to the window, but Nick can still see a shy smile appearing on his lips. Nick is so enamoured that he has to turn back to the road so that he can catch his breath.

“Good,” Charlie whispers, before turning back to Nick. 

Then, he lifts his right arm and grabs Nick’s left hand, gently removing it from the wheel. He holds it like it’s the world’s most precious cargo; like he’s an archaeologist manipulating an ancient clay bowl, rumoured to contain the Earth’s last drops of water. When Nick’s hand is secured on Charlie’s lap, the younger boy starts tracing invisible lines on each of his fingers, a map that only Charlie can read. His index goes back and forth on Nick’s skin, as if he’s stretching out pieces of string from the tip of his fingers to his wrist, where he can undoubtedly feel Nick’s pulse pounding erratically. The blonde lets him, ignoring the goosebumps forming on both of his forearms. 

“I say pretty dumb stuff that I don’t really mean, sometimes. Like when I said I would be happy to go out with Tobias!!” Charlie snorts, but he quickly sobers up. He flips Nick’s hand and starts tracing love hearts on its back. “He said I was talking about you too much. S’not my fault, though. Why wouldn’t I be talking about you? You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me…” Charlie’s hand stops, and his voice deepens with seriousness. “I fucked it up, though. I fucked up tonight’s date, too! I fuck up everything!” He starts laughing maniacally. It breaks Nick’s heart all over again, but he doesn’t dare interrupt. “He said he didn’t want to date me because I like you. Pfffff, that’s sooooo stupid!” Charlie resumes his drawings on Nick’s skin, and the latter’s heart drops in his stomach. “He’s got a stupid name, stupid eyes, and stupid dark hair that doesn’t even shine in the sun! I really don’t like him.”

Nick already knew Charlie wasn’t interested in him, but the confirmation still hurts. At least, he can find solace in the knowledge that he’s the person Charlie calls when he needs someone to rescue him in the middle of the night. Perhaps they’ll become best friends again.

“Do you… Do you not like me, either, then?” Nick asks after a few seconds of silence. 

He knows he's digging his own grave, but he can't resist. He has to know for sure. Charlie has alluded to not liking him multiple times, but he’s never said it in so many words, and Nick needs closure. A voice at the back of his head tells him that he shouldn’t get it out of Charlie while he’s drunk, and certainly not when Nick’s driving and responsible for both of their lives, but he still needs to know.

“No, silly!! I don’t like you! I love you!!!” Charlie exclaims before interlacing his fingers with Nick’s. “I thought I liked you but no, no, no. I loooooove you!” Charlie giggles for the umpteenth time of the night, before delivering the final blow. “Hey, Nick. Do you love me, too?” Charlie kisses the back of Nick’s hand and keeps it close to his mouth while waiting for the other boy to answer. 

Nick can feel Charlie’s breaths against his skin. After every pattern of three, he hears the same three words in his mind again. These three words, syllables even, that he thought so many times while looking at Charlie’s eyes, but never imagined hearing back. They’re accompanied by the pounding of his heart, a percussion to the anthem of his soul.

Thump, 

thump, 

thump.

I, 

love, 

you.

Nick’s heart is in his throat. He’s thankful that there’s nobody on the road at this time of night because the shock made him step on the accelerator without meaning to. He doesn’t notice at first, because his whole body is vibrating at a higher frequency than usual. This time, when his nose starts tingling, he doesn’t resent it. He does have to blink his tears away, though, because, no matter what Charlie just said to him, he’s still driving, and there’s no certainty yet. Charlie’s drunk, and might not realise how his words could be interpreted. 

So, of course, Nick loves Charlie, but he’s not saying it for the first time when Charlie’s black-out drunk and coming back from a date with another guy. 

Still, Nick squeezes Charlie's hand as hard as he can, just in case.

“Hm… I - Do you…” Nick stutters. “Do you mean that, Char? In a romantic way? Not just a friend way?”

Charlie frowns adorably.

“Of course I mean it. In every way. I’m not a liar. I don’t like liars. Like, I thought you were a liar because you told me I was your best friend and then you ignored me when I tried to talk to you in public. But you are not a liar. You were just sad because I’d been mean to you without meaning to. Ah! See what I did there?” Charlie laughs. “I’d been mean without meaning to! Words are so funny!”

A few minutes later, Nick is finally parking in front of his hall of residence. He hasn’t said a word in response to Charlie’s rant, too overwhelmed to even think about an answer. 

“Okay, Char, we’re here. Are you okay with sleeping in my room? I’ll sleep in the living room, so I won’t be far if you need - ”

He’s interrupted by the sight of Charlie, asleep against the car window, his pouty lips slightly open. He looks angelic. His hair is slightly longer than he kept it this summer, and one of his dark curls has fallen over his eye. Nick takes advantage of the opportunity to study his face. He’s spent so much time avoiding Charlie’s gaze during these past few weeks, that he feels the need to stare at him for hours to make up for it. 

Sadly, it’s already 2:20 a.m., and he needs to help Charlie get to bed. So Nick goes over to the passenger’s door, opens it, and tries to wake Charlie up by running the back of his finger on his cheek. Charlie sighs and leans against it, but doesn’t stir. Nick calls his name a few times as well, to no result. The Nick Nelson Special is the only option left, then, he muses as he tucks Charlie’s errant curl behind his ear.

If he has to be honest, Nick has already imagined carrying Charlie into his bedroom a few times, but never like this. In his imagination, Charlie wasn’t asleep, drunk and transported bridal style - though he could get behind that last part. Yet, this is what’s happening now, and Nick couldn’t be happier. He’s so relieved about Charlie feeling safe enough to call him. He doesn’t know how he could have lived with himself if he’d learnt that Charlie had to spend the night all alone in the streets. 

When Nick tries to drop the younger boy on his bed, Charlie whines and resists, squeezing his arms around Nick’s neck so that he doesn’t let go of him. He’s still half-asleep, but he buries his nose against Nick’s collarbone and sighs contentedly. 

“Sleep with me…” Charlie murmurs in Nick’s ear.

“Wh-what?”

“Sleep in the bed with me, please.”

Charlie is trying to kill him, tonight. 

Should Nick give in? He doesn’t want to take advantage of Charlie’s state, but he’s the one asking, and it’s not like Nick is going to attempt anything. Maybe it’s even safer for Charlie if someone is nearby to look after him.

“...okay. I- okay,” Nick answers a few seconds later. Then, after a beat: “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

So they prepare for bed together. Charlie is too tired to brush his teeth, but Nick insists on at least giving him one of his most comfortable jumpers so that he doesn’t wake up cold in the middle of the night. Charlie accepts without a fight. 

When Nick comes back from the bathroom, he hesitates at the foot of the bed, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he’s going to sleep in the same bed as the man he’s in love with, who might reciprocate his feelings, and who he only stopped avoiding the day before. So, he slips into the bed gingerly, and lays on the edge of the mattress, as far from Charlie as he can manage. He doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries. 

“Don’t you want to be near me?” Charlie is lying on his side, his hands tucked under his cheek. He’s looking at Nick with a sad pout which, once again, immediately makes Nick’s resolve crack.

“Um…”

“No, I get it,” Charlie answers quietly. “I was so mean. You’re the nicest person in the whole world, and I was just so, so mean.” Tears start pooling in his eyes, and his voice gets shaky. Nick wants to hold him in his arms and assure him that it’s all going to be okay, but he’s rooted in place.   “I’m so sorry, Nick. So, so sorry…”

“I’m sorry too, Char. The way I acted with you was far from nice. And please don’t say you are mean. That’s simply not true. You hurt my feelings, yes, but everyone makes mistakes. I forgive you.”

Charlie sniffs sadly.

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Nick tries to put all his affection into the word, but he thinks his gaze already says it all, according to the other boy’s reaction.

A single tear drops on Charlie’s cheek and a blinding smile appears in its wake. His eyes gleam with a mix of wonder and fondness that steals Nick’s breath away.

“See? Nicest person in the whole world…” Charlie murmurs, making Nick chuckle bashfully.

They spend a few minutes like this, lying on their side and looking at each other. Nick knows he should try to go to sleep, but he’s afraid Charlie will disappear if he closes his eyes for a moment. 

Charlie seems to be in the same type of predicament. His eyes are drooping, but he jolts awake every time. He huffs once, then twice, before revealing what’s on his mind.

“You’re soooo far away,” Charlie complains in a whisper. “I can barely see you…”

Nick only hesitates a second before he gets a bit closer. They’re still far from touching, but Nick isn’t at risk of falling over the bed, anymore.

“Is it better?”

Charlie nods.

“I miss you when I don’t see you,” he murmurs. “I look for you when I go out on campus, you know? I’m always sad on days when I don’t see you. I missed you so much…”

“I missed you too, Charlie. You have no idea how much…” Nick admits in an exhale. 

He feels so much lighter than just two days before, when he still thought he’d lost the best friend he’d ever had. He would probably float away if the weight of Charlie’s body on the mattress beside him didn’t give him a very good reason to stay exactly where he is. 

Charlie lifts a tentative hand and places it on Nick’s cheek.  His eyes flutter under his touch, and he can’t help a deep, placated sigh from escaping his lips. Charlie’s thumb caressing his skin feels heavenly, and his fingers find a home in his hair, just behind his ear. Nick tilts his head and leans into it. 

This is home. Not this bed, not this flat, not even his house in Kent. 

Charlie’s touch is his home, and he knows he won't be able to live without it ever again. 

“It’s so much better than what I’d imagined,” Charlie admits.

“What is?”

“Lying next to you in the same bed.”

“You imagined it?” Nick asks, unable to keep awe from seeping into his tone. 

“During our late-night calls, this summer. I would hug a pillow, and pretend it was you.” Charlie laughs awkwardly and tries to pass it off as a joke, but his genuine tone gives him away. 

“I - Me too. I would do that, too,” Nick breathes out. 

Without really knowing why, Nick’s suddenly on the brink of tears. Maybe it’s because he realises being here with Charlie is where he’s always been supposed to be. Maybe a part of it is relief, as well. Whatever it is, he accepts it with open arms. Because feeling is living, and Charlie makes him feel so much. 

“Would you hug me? Please?” Charlie asks, as if he’s sensing Nick’s emotions and he understands that, given his state, the request has to come from him.

“Yeah…” Nick answers breathlessly.

Charlie comes closer to Nick and turns around to be the little spoon. Nick takes a deep breath before wrapping his left arm around Charlie’s waist. The younger boy takes Nick’s hand in his, interlaces their fingers, and places Nick’s palm against his heart. Nick wipes his eyes with his right hand, before putting his arm on the pillows above them. This is the perfect position to rake his fingers through Charlie’s curls, and gently scratch his scalp with his nails in a way which he instinctively knows the younger boy will like.

“You’re so warm,” Charlie hums happily, "just like the Sun.”

“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” Nick ensures, feeling seconds away from falling asleep.

“Hmm,” Charlie confirms. “Good night, Nick.”

“Good night, Char.”

“I love you…”

Nick squeezes his eyes and tries to reign in his smile and his hammering heart, because he can’t be sure yet. He has to be careful because if this turns out to be a drunken mistake, he’s not sure he’ll be able to come back from it. 

So he kisses Charlie’s shoulder and mouths the words silently against the fabric of his favourite hoodie, hoping that soon enough, he’ll be able to pronounce them out loud.

Chapter Text

"O my Mother Nut, stretch Yourself over me, that I may be placed among the imperishable stars which are in You, and that I may not die." (Prayer often written on ancient Egyptian tombs).

For once, Nick doesn’t dream about Charlie. Until now, ubiquity has never seemed to be a problem for the younger boy, who’s been occupying Nick’s heart and mind for most of the latter’s waking time. Things have changed. Charlie’s physical presence against his body is apparently the best way to alleviate Nick’s brain. How can the object of his affection be shut away in his dreams when the essence of his being stretches until it fills and brightens the entire room around them?

So, instead of dreaming about Charlie’s night-coloured curls, Nick dreams of Nut, the Egyptian goddess of the visible sky. He’s studying mythology in one of his classes, and the representation of her nude, star-covered body arching over the Earth has stuck with him. Only in his dreams, it isn’t a woman’s body. In his mind’s eye, the coverer of the sky is a silky plane of pale skin, a flat-chested boy wrapped around him to separate the ordered cosmos of his soul from the chaos of the world.

Nick feels like the Sun, self-consumed by his own passion, burning helplessly next to the immensity of the unshakeable sky. Nut is known to swallow the Sun, which travels through her body at night to be reborn at dawn. How Nick wishes he could be swallowed whole by the heavenly body above him… 

When Nick wakes up, the sky is still curled up around him. For the first time in weeks, the weight on his lungs isn’t emotional, but physical. His god is right there, breathing softly against his chest. Maybe he was dreaming about Charlie, after all.

The younger boy is sprawled on him, his arms and legs wrapped around Nick like a koala. He looks like a cat curling as close to a fire as possible. It would almost be laughable if it weren’t so adorable. Nick isn't doing much better, to be honest. He’s slipped his right hand in Charlie's curls during his sleep, and his left one is clutching Charlie's left hip. Every part of their bodies is connected in some way, like two lumps of clay that have melded together to create the most beautiful piece of art. They’re holding one another like two men sinking in the depths of an ocean. The water that used to separate them is everywhere now. It would be seeping into every crevasse, were they not so close together. If this is drowning, Nick never wants to resurface again. He would be glad to die if it meant never leaving Charlie’s arms.

Nick starts, waking up for a second time. His arms tighten around Charlie reflexively. He’s still here.

He’s still here. 

Charlie hasn’t magically disappeared during the night, taken away by the evil spirits known as doubt, insecurity and panic. His head is still resting on Nick’s heart, rising in rhythm with each of the blonde’s breaths. 

Everything comes back to Nick then, and his eyes instantly water with relief. His mind is still blurry, but bits and pieces from last night - or is it this morning? - are reemerging one by one. 

You’re the greatest man who’s ever lived, did you know that Nick Nelson?

I say pretty dumb stuff that I don’t really mean, sometimes. 

Why wouldn’t I be talking about you? You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me…

Sleep with me.

I don’t like you, I love you.

I love you.

Nick squeezes his eyes shut and buries his nose in Charlie’s curls, breathing in deeply, just like he’s dreamt of doing for months now. He’s met with the same smell of coconut that assaulted his senses back in September, when they hugged for the first time. The dark hair tickles his nose, but he wouldn’t let go for the world. Charlie likes him back. Charlie loves him, and he’s in his bed right now. He’s in his arms, for god’s sake!

Nick’s not entirely sure he’s awake. He must be dreaming, surely. He knows that last night really happened - why would Charlie be in his bed if it didn’t? - though he can’t help but worry. Did Charlie really mean what he said, or was he just spouting drunken nonsense? Will he take it back, or will he confess to Nick? Butterflies erupt in his stomach at the thought. He’s equally anxious and excited to find out. Whatever happens, this morning will mark a turning point in his life. Nick will either remember it as the day the love of his life returned his affection, or as the moment he lost his Charlie forever. Because, whether he likes it or not, he knows he’s not strong enough to keep spending time with an uninterested Charlie now that he knows how a declaration of love sounds on his tongue.

When pain starts to stab at the back of his neck, Nick pulls back reluctantly and  drops his head back on his pillow. His right hand remains on Charlie’s curls, scratching his scalp lightly. He’s amazed at how soft his hair is. It feels like silk between his fingers, and if he didn’t find the idea of cutting any of it revolting, he would probably wish he could have a lock of it to keep for good luck, like a pining world-war-one soldier.

Fuck. He’s completely out of his mind, isn’t he? 

Get a grip, Nelson.

Nick shakes his head and reaches for his phone on the bedside table, trying to keep his movements minimal so that he doesn’t wake Charlie. The brightness of his screen is blinding. He has to wait for the flares of light imprinted on his retinas to disappear from his vision so that he can finally read the time. 11:12. He hasn’t slept this long in months, even with a hangover. The lads will take the piss out of him when they’ll see both of them coming out of Nick’s room. Whatever. He would endure a life of taunting for one night spent in Charlie’s arms.

A few notifications are waiting for him: an email from a professor, a meme Christian sent in the group chat, and… An Instagram follow request that he was too shocked to accept last night. Nick feels his cheeks warm up at the memory. If Charlie wasn’t sleeping peacefully on Nick’s chest, this would be the only proof of the younger boy’s possible affection. Nick clicks on “Accept”, and sends a request of his own. He’s nearly giddy with joy, eager to take a deep dive into Charlie’s profile. Instinctively, Nick bites back his smile. He’s not used to expressing his fondness in broad daylight. Things might change today, though. The sun is shining, and ribbons of light are spreading on the bed sheets like paper streamers, spelling the end of the bleakest time of their relationship.

Nick thinks about all the time they lost because of his stupid sixteen-year-old self, who didn’t know who he was but still deemed it necessary to post on social media. He promises himself he’ll find a way to delete his old account, which he’s never hated more. He’ll turn his childhood house upside down until he’s found his password in an old notebook, or he’ll report the profile as many times as necessary. He wants it gone. He wants the old him gone. He likes this new version of himself way better. In fact, for the first time in maybe forever, he actually knows and likes who he is. 

He’s the boy who smiles for an hour after passing a cute dog on the street. He’s the guy who likes leading his team on the rugby pitch, but who hates making decisions in group projects. He’s the man who’ll someday teach children about gods and goddesses, and about how there’s one hidden in each one of them. He’s the kid who loves spending time with his mum and childhood dogs more than nights out, but who never passes on buying a birthday pint for a mate. He’s the student who puts the props away in theatre class, not because the lecturer asked him to, but because he knows the cleaning team will have to do it if it isn’t done by the end of the day.

Nick is a queer man who might not look the part according to stupid stereotypes, but who’s just as valid as anyone else in the community. Not fantasising about every person he finds pretty doesn’t make him less bisexual. He’s just a stupid bloke who fell in love with his best friend and doesn’t regret it one bit.

Nick pats himself on the back for having had enough foresight to plug both his phone and Charlie’s before bed, as well as placing a big glass of water and aspirin on the bedside table, because he finds himself appalled at the idea of moving even a little bit. Charlie’s the most gorgeous person he’s ever laid eyes on, and averting his eyes from him feels just as unnatural as looking away from a shooting star. His face twitches in his sleep, and Nick wonders if he’s dreaming of him. It might be presumptuous to hope so, but he still does. 

Nick’s still staring at Charlie’s angelic pout and smiling like a lunatic when the boy in his arms stirs.

“Wha-” Charlie croaks, raising his head just enough for Nick to get a glimpse of his bleary eyes under his long eyelashes.

“Hi,” Nick breathes, unable to keep the reverence out of his voice.

He knows he’s got a sappy look on his face, but he can’t wipe it away. He reluctantly drops his hand from Charlie’s hair when the boy straightens up, but he can’t bring himself to stop touching him, so his palms travel to his lower back instead. Nick doesn’t want the other boy to feel trapped, but he wants to communicate that their embrace is okay. It’s more than okay, actually. It’s magnificent.

“Nick?” Charlie rasps, confusion written all over his delicate features.

“How are you feeling? You had quite a bit to drink last night,” Nick says softly, his thumbs subconsciously rubbing Charlie’s sides. Charlie’s - Nick’s - jumper hikes up at one point, and Nick’s finger grazes his skin. Charlie gasps and a shiver goes through his entire body, but Nick feels like he’s the one who has been struck by lightning. 

Within one second, all traces of sleep leave Charlie’s gaze. His ocean eyes widen and he scrambles back, tripping several times in his haste to get off the bed. He looks like he can’t get away from Nick fast enough. Nick’s heart aches at the sight, but he tries to remember that Charlie must be disoriented, and perhaps a bit ashamed. This isn’t about him. Hopefully.

Charlie gets up and hides his face in his hands, his back turned to the blonde. His shoulders start to shake, and loud breathing fills the space between them. Nick can almost see Charlie building a physical wall between them, one that was taken down a few hours ago and that Nick can’t stand to see back up.

“Oh my god, this is so embarrassing…” Charlie cries, his voice muffled by his hands.

Nick is on his feet in seconds. Charlie won’t spiral about drunkenly calling him in the middle of the night when it’s the best decision he’s ever made. Not on his watch. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Charlie is short of breath, now, but he keeps talking. “I’m so sorry, Nick, I’m so -”

Charlie’s apologetic rant is effectively stopped when Nick’s chest collides with his back. His breath catches in his throat and his whole body stiffens. The blonde’s forearms hover around Charlie’s stomach carefully, like a feather floating above the ground after a long fall. Nick doesn’t want to scare him. He just wants to bring him comfort in the best way he knows. It’s his turn to be the coverer of the sky and to shield Charlie from the chaos of the universe. They can do that for one another.

“Is this okay?” Nick whispers, just above Charlie’s ear. 

At first, Charlie doesn’t answer. In fact, he doesn’t move an inch. Nick can’t help but think he resembles a Greek statue. With his high cheekbones and perfect curls, he’s pure beauty frozen in time. Then, after a few seconds, Charlie nods almost imperceptibly, and Nick’s arms finally close around his waist. His movements are impossibly slow to give Charlie enough time to retract if he wants to. His right hand travels from Charlie’s side to his heart. He can feel it beating wildly under his palm, and he wonders if Charlie can feel his own against his back. Probably not. Nick still finds himself weirdly satisfied when he realises that both of their hearts are thumping in sync. It’s as if life is a giant symphony made of an infinity of rhythms and melody lines, and their beings resonate in harmony. Like they’re meant to be.

Then, Nick’s left hand comes to rest in the centre of Charlie’s stomach, above the knot he knows is there whenever the younger boy is anxious. Charlie told him as much this summer, recalling how nervous he was during his Head Boy speeches. He’s also told him about the bullying and the never-ending fear of being picked on, even years after the worst of it ended, but he never went into much more detail about that. Once again, Nick mourns what could have been, and loathes himself for never intervening. He tries to remember that he’s here now and that it’s not too late.

It’s not too late.

Charlie positively melts against Nick’s chest, and Nick nearly topples over with relief. He didn’t exactly think Charlie was going to reject him, but he was worried about him holding back, or trying to escape again. Nick stands still despite his emotions. He wants to be a solid, physical presence on which Charlie can lean. They can be very bad at using their words, it would seem, and he’s done leaving room for misunderstandings. He wants to be close to Charlie, and he wants him to know that.

The younger boy sighs and tilts his head back on Nick’s shoulder. His eyes close on their own volition, and his nose grazes the blonde’s neck in a way that makes butterflies explode in his belly.

“You’re okay, Char,” Nick murmurs. “You’re safe, here. You’re safe with me...”

At that, Charlie lets out a strangled sob that he tries to muffle with his hand. Nick’s heart breaks at the sound, and he already misses Charlie’s face against his neck as the younger boy crumbles on himself. Nick’s fingers set themselves in motion, tapping a rhythm on both Charlie’s chest and stomach. Thump, thump, thump. Just like last night. I, am, here. You, are, safe. I, love, you. There’s no way Charlie can know what that means in Nick’s mind, but he must sense it anyway because he instantly calms down and relaxes in Nick’s arms. The younger boy removes his hands from his face and places them on Nick’s gingerly. A moment goes by. Charlie’s still shuddering, but his breathing is slowly coming back to normal. He squeezes Nick’s fingers with his own. Once, twice, thrice. 

“Let’s stop running away from each other. Please…” Nick pleads, as if he’s not the one running away half of the time. 

He hooks his chin on Charlie’s left shoulder, and they remain like this for god knows how long, taking breaths deeper than the Atlantic. Nick doesn’t know if he’s ever known such peace. His eyes are closed, and all his senses are assailed with Charlie. He’s enveloped by the smell of him in his nostrils, and by the feeling of him on his chest, under his palms, and against his cheek. They're heart-to-heart, literally, and Nick never wants to leave. He wishes he could imprint himself at the back of Charlie’s body, take his every step, and live off his exhalations. 

Eventually, Nick wanders towards the crook of the younger boy’s neck and places the tiniest kiss on the tanned skin he finds there. Goosebumps erupt on Charlie’s skin and his hands tighten on Nick’s. The blonde can feel the dark-haired boy repress a shiver, and he can’t hold back a lovesick smile as he puts his chin back on Charlie’s shoulder.

“I put aspirin on the nightstand if you need it,” Nick whispers. He’s reluctant to let go of Charlie, but he knows that his head might be throbbing as they speak, considering how much he’s had to drink last night.

They disentangle themselves as slowly as their embrace began, and they suddenly find themselves facing each other awkwardly. Charlie accepts the meds with an abashed smile and gulps the whole glass of water. 

“Would you mind if I took a shower?” He mutters shyly, avoiding Nick’s eyes as he speaks. “I feel so gross, and hot water usually helps with my hangovers.”

“Of course, you can. But we should really talk when you come back.”

Nick fishes a clean towel, a t-shirt,  joggers and even some underwear (he tries very hard not to give too much thought about that) out of his closet, and hands them to his friend. Charlie’s features are tight with nerves and his mouth is set in a line, as if he’s trying really hard not to let it show. 

“Char…” Nick breathes out. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.” He desperately wants to squeeze his hand for good measure, but both of his are full of clothes.

“Okay,” Charlie answers, his face resolute. He doesn’t look completely relaxed just yet, but he doesn’t seem frightened anymore.  “Thank you.”

And just like that, he’s grabbed Nick’s things from his hands and he’s out of the door.

💬💬

When Charlie comes back into the room, Nick is fidgeting on his bed, his hand incessantly raking through his golden fringe. After going to the kitchen to rinse his mouth and checking for cowlicks on the entryway mirror, he didn’t know what to do, so he went back into his room and started re-reading the same six messages Charlie sent him last night over and over again. He knows them by heart now, but they still make him smile.

Charlie appears in the doorway, and the sight of him in Nick’s clothes actually stops the latter’s heart for a while. Charlie’s engulfed in the same hoodie he slept in, and the joggers bunch up at his feet. His wet curls shine at the top of his head, and Nick once again wonders about the scientific reasoning behind the seismic wave of fondness that takes over his entire being whenever his eyes land on Charlie. Their connection defies all logic, and yet Nick has never felt himself be part of something so real. 

The blonde reaches out his hand to Charlie in a silent invitation. Thankfully, Charlie takes it and climbs next to Nick on the bed. He still looks hesitant, but there’s also a glimmer of hope in his eyes that wasn’t there when he woke up in alarm thirty minutes ago. 

“How’s your head?” Nick asks softly.

“Better, thanks...”

They stay still for a while, not knowing how to begin. Charlie’s hand is still in Nick’s. The older boy’s thumb traces the length of Charlie’s tenderly, and Nick is hypnotised by his own movement. He can’t help but admire how right their fingers look together.

“Why did I wake up in your bed, Nick?” Charlie ends up asking after some time. His voice is shy and curious, but not afraid. Not anymore.

Still, his question isn’t a good sign. It isn’t a good sign at all.  

Shit.

“Don’t you remember last night?” Nick panics. “I was going to take the couch, but you asked me to sleep with you and you looked so sad, I couldn't say no, but I swear I-”

“No, no, it’s fine, I do remember…” Charlie soothes, looking embarrassed for some reason. “I remember calling you and everything, I just… I don't understand why you agreed to sleep here, or why you answered my call in the first place. I thought you hated me?” Nick furrows his eyebrows. He thought he’d been clear about not ever hating Charlie. “Rightfully so!” Charlie corrects himself with a wild look on his face, misinterpreting Nick’s expression. “I’m not trying to play the victim here. I know what I did was wrong.”

His eyes are downcast, and Nick can’t bear the guilty look he finds on his face.

“Look at me, please?” He gently asks, tilting his head to catch Charlie’s eyes. This seems to work, as Charlie timidly lifts his face again. “We went over this already, Char. Even if what you did had warranted my hatred - which it hadn't - I don’t think I could ever truly resent you. And I’d rather die than let you wander drunk and alone in the streets.” Nick taps Charlie’s fingers again. Tap, tap, tap. Then, he takes a deep breath. Charlie’s always the one saying sorry, but Nick feels like he hasn’t done it as much as he ought to have. “Plus, I never formally apologised for my shitty behaviour. So, yeah. I’m really sorry, Char. This is as much my fault as it was yours. I should have talked to you like an adult instead of ignoring you. I was just… hurt. And sad, and also…”

“What?”

Nick takes a shuddering breath. Dare he say it? One look at the sky in front of him gives him all the answers he needs. The azur of Charlie’s pupils is like a weather forecast: he can see his future in them.

Being brave will be worth it.

“Heartbroken. I was heartbroken.”

His sentence hangs in the air for a second. It’s the first time one of them puts a word so explicitly romantic on what they truly felt during their time apart while sober, and it feels so monumental that the word seems to take up physical space between them.

“Were you?” Charlie breathes out in an achingly soft murmur. He doesn’t look entirely surprised, but he still sounds a bit disbelieving.

“Did you mean what you said last night?” Nick asks shakily. His heart is in his throat. Charlie’s answer will determine the course of this entire conversation, and perhaps of Nick’s life as well.

The younger boy winces and a rosy blush blooms on his cheeks.

“I was hoping you’d forgotten,” he mutters sulkily.

“I’m not the one who drank my weight in tequila shots…” Nick laughs softly.

“Fuck off!” Charlie protests, but his contorted smile betrays him.

“I promise you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I just… I need to know. Did you mean it?” 

Charlie’s gaze travels from their interlaced hands to Nick’s eyes. He’s the most confident person Nick has ever known, but he’s also very good at hiding behind an air of fake bravado when he feels like he needs to. This is not one of these times. He looks a bit terrified, now, come to think of it.

“Yeah. Of course, I did,” Charlie admits in a breathy murmur.

“Fuck…” Nick exhales, and just like that, his rugby player instincts take over, and he tackles Charlie onto the bed. The dark-haired boy lets out a high-pitched squeak which is immediately followed by a giddy giggle that makes warmth spread all over Nick’s chest. They roll over a bit, and Nick nuzzles against Charlie’s neck. “I've liked you for so long, Charlie. I think I’ve liked you since before you sent me that first picture of you,” Nick admits with a relieved laugh.

“What?!”

“I know it’s embarrassing, but I don’t care. I’m done pretending. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You’re so clever, and kind, and funny and Christ, you’re so fucking pretty I thought I’d hallucinated when I saw you for the first time!” The blonde confesses in a rush.

“Oh my god,” Charlie gasps. He looks dumbfounded, but his smile could light up the entire city of Leeds. “Am I dreaming?”

Nick and Charlie burst out laughing. They sound sumptuous together, just like a seventh chord - sometimes minor, sometimes major, but always rich and harmonious. Nick gets up on his hands, mindful of his weight on Charlie’s significantly smaller body. His biceps bulge with the movement, and he can feel Charlie’s gaze on them. Nick slept with a tight t-shirt on, and its sleeves rolled up to his shoulders sometime during their roly-poly. The blonde represses a smug smile at the sight of Charlie biting his lips appreciatively. His eyes are dazed, and Nick doesn’t think he even realises he’s doing it. The older boy’s mind goes back to last night when Charlie felt his arms shamelessly, and if his hand happens to go through his hair at this exact moment to check if Charlie’s eyes will follow (which they definitely do), then that’s his business. 

Nick would love to keep on watching Charlie thirsting over his arms for a few more minutes, but he’s practically bursting with curiosity. They haven’t had the chance to talk in months, and now that they can talk, Nick feels like he won’t be able to stop before all of his questions have been answered.

“When… When did you realise?”

Charlie has to shake his head to get out of his entranced state. Nick almost preens as he notices.

“Realise what?”

“That you liked me. You must have realised pretty recently.” Nick suddenly finds himself bashful. He’s clearly been smitten with Charlie for way longer than the younger boy has, but he doesn’t really care about that. However, when Charlie makes a confused face, Nick sits back on his ankles and starts panicking. “You do like me, right? Tell me I didn’t manage to misinterpret things somehow?”

“No! No, you didn’t!” Charlie exclaims, straightening up as well. “I do like you. Very, very much.” He blushes and sheepishly averts his eyes for a second, before sharing a shy smile with Nick. “I’m just confused as to why you’d think it was a recent development. We haven't been talking, recently.”

“I know,” Nick says. “It’s just… You obviously didn’t like me at the party, and then you were angry with me…”

“I did like you at the party!” Charlie protests, which makes Nick sputter good-heartedly. “I did! Come on, Nick, I already explained why I laughed! I only reacted that way because I thought I could never have you and I didn’t want you to know I was interested! I thought you were straight, remember?”

Nick shakes his head, but he knows he’s smiling from ear to ear. He feels himself glow at the knowledge that Charlie has liked him for a long time. How could he have been so blind? Charlie’s affection is written all over his face, from his sparkling greyish-blue eyes to his toothy grin. They’ve been ridiculous. Truly and utterly ridiculous. If only they’d used their words - if only Nick wasn’t so avoidant in the face of conflict… 

“And I thought it was a date! We’d met on a dating app, and I thought we’d been flirting for weeks and that was our first date!”

“What?!” Charlie squeaks. “But your profile said you were looking for friendships! I know that because I kept checking just in case. First, I was hoping you’d change it, but then I prayed that you wouldn't. The thought of you flirting with other people…” He laughs self-deprecatingly. Nick loves all of Charlie's laughs, but this one is his least favourite. “I had no right to feel this way, I know, but… it made me a bit sick,” Charlie admits self-consciously. 

“Oh, Char… You’re the only person I’ve ever talked to on that app. Your profile is the first one I’ve ever liked, and once we started talking… I couldn’t believe my luck. Finding you on my first try…” Nick trails off. God knows he spent the whole summer thanking the stars for letting him find his soulmate on this shitty, glitch-ridden app. “I don’t know where you got that I’d only chosen the friendship feature, though. I chose both. I signed up for dating, initially.”

“Oh. Oh my god, you actually were flirting with me the whole time, weren’t you?” Charlie grimaces.

“Yes!” Nick exclaims. “That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to you!”

“Fuuuck…” Charlie sighs, before hiding his face behind both of his palms. “I can see why you were so upset about my reaction, now… I'm so fucking sorry, Nick, I had no idea! I think you can’t choose both features on the app, in reality. It tells you you can, but it automatically changes to the last one you clicked on and only displays that on your profile. In fact, I signed up to meet friends in the area and decided to add the dating option at the last moment.”

This had been his main source of confusion since their conversation on Friday. Admittedly, Charlie shouldn’t have assumed that Nick was straight, even if he had only chosen the friendship feature, but he never did understand why Charlie thought that was the case.

“Really?” Nick huffs, floored with bewilderment. He’s going to kill the stupid developer who’s responsible for this nonsensical glitch. “You’re telling me that all of this could have been avoided if that fucking app had just displayed the right information? Fuck me! We should stop apologising to each other, it’s clearly the Leeds University Meeting App that’s at fault here!” 

Nick’s exasperated scoff is drowned by Charlie’s furious fit of giggles. He throws himself back on the bed, and his long curls spread on the pillow like a halo around his face. His eyes haven’t left Nick’s in his fall. He looks so pretty that the blonde sucks in a sharp breath, and his fake annoyance disappears under the overwhelming wave of adoration he feels for the boy in front of him, who’s liked him for months, and who’s become and remained his favourite person in the world despite the weeks they spent fighting. 

Nick forgets every word of the English language, except three that echo in his mind like a prayer.

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

The words are thrumming behind his lips, but he forces them back inside his mouth. He can’t scare Charlie away with his big feelings. Nick has always been known to feel and experience life intensely. His mum used to tell him that it was a good thing, but when his brother started mocking him for his tears and his mates got weirded out by his genuine compliments at school, Nick decided that nobody but Nellie would be the witness of them anymore. Charlie is different, of course. He’s the one who cracked Nick’s shell and encouraged him to make actual friends this year, but he’s only just admitted to liking him. He doesn’t need to be bombarded with the l-word yet. 

Yes, Charlie’s the one who pronounced the words first, but he was drunk at the time, so it didn’t count. No one is rational while drunk. Now, there’s a tiny, minuscule chance that he did mean it (he meant what he said about liking Nick, after all), but Nick doesn’t want to take the risk. Charlie hasn’t told him he loved him this morning, so he won’t either. He doesn’t know if Charlie regrets it, or even remembers it, but Nick doesn’t want to force him to say the words back by making a declaration of his own. He certainly doesn’t want to pressure him into something that he’s not ready to face.

“So, what now?” Charlie whispers with an impossibly fond look on his face. He’s smirking, but his skin is flushed and his eyes still have a shy gleam to them. Nick wishes he was a painter, just so that he could freeze this picture in time and keep it forever.

Nick is too spellbound to answer, so nothing comes out of his mouth when he opens it. Charlie’s smirk falls, and a serious expression replaces it. His eyes betray an intensity that Nick has never seen anywhere else before. His eyes look even darker than usual. Have his pupils always been this large? Charlie’s chest starts heaving, and the most delicious kind of tension fills the space between them. Charlie gets up on his elbows almost unconsciously, as if an invisible strength is pulling him towards the blonde. Nick is a sailor's boat at sea, and Charlie is his anchor, his harbour, his home; though the current will make them clash together if they’re not careful enough. 

Nick and Charlie are face to face now, and their eyes flicker from their eyes to their lips. Nick doesn’t want to rush this, however. He wants their first kiss to be perfect. The only experience he has in this field is a chaste peck with a girl when he was thirteen, which amounts to no experience at all. His stomach is in knots at the thought. What if Charlie hates how he kisses and decides he doesn’t like him like that after all?

You’re being stupid. You’ve got the most gorgeous human being the Earth has ever carried in front of you, so get it together. It can’t be that hard to kiss someone.

Nick takes a deep breath and lifts his trembling hands towards Charlie’s face until he’s cupping his jaw. The boy’s eyes flutter shut as their skin makes contact. He lets out a tiny whimper as Nick’s fingers bury in his curls, and the older boy can’t take it anymore. He brings Charlie’s face to his and places a reverent kiss on his forehead. His nose is smashed against Charlie’s curls, and the heady smell of coconut he finds there makes his head spin with pleasure. Nick breathes in deeply and only moves back when he feels Charlie’s hands on his biceps. The younger boy is looking at him with a dazed look from under his long eyelashes. Meanwhile, his palms caress the entire length of Nick’s arms, before reaching his shoulders, his neck, and, at last, his cheeks. Nick lets his arms fall at his sides with a placated sigh. It’s Nick’s turn to close his eyes. Charlie gets closer and puts his soft lips on the side of Nick’s left eye, exactly where his crowfeet wrinkles appear when he smiles a little too big. Then, he does the same on the other side of Nick’s face. His kisses are short but earth-shattering, and Nick feels himself melt under his touch. Charlie kisses his skin like a soldier kisses a letter destined for a lover he’s not sure he’ll ever see again. Nick re-opens his eyes and grabs Charlie’s face delicately. This time, his lips go to the dark-haired boy’s temple, then glabella. His nose brushes against the entire length of Charlie’s, until they’re panting against each other’s mouths. Charlie moves forward painfully slow, his eyes shifting back and forth between both of Nick’s. Charlie starts by kissing the side of Nick’s mouth, which draws an imperceptible moan from the older boy. They’re both out of breath now, and Nick knows this is it. He’s about to close the distance, he’s finally about to taste Charlie’s lips, when suddenly -

Nick’s phone goes off, and Charlie jumps at the sound. 

Fuck! What time is it? He’s forgotten his Sunday brunch with Tara and Darcy!

Nick and Charlie exchange a stunned look as the phone keeps on ringing, before bursting out laughing. They’re both bright red and embarrassed, but Charlie’s looking so cute while shaking his head good-heartedly that Nick can’t bring himself to care. The call ends before he can answer it, but he promises himself to text the girls later. 

Now that the moment is over, Nick is about to offer some breakfast to Charlie, but the boy beats him to it. He tells him to call them back and go shower while he makes some tea. Nick agrees as he snatches his phone from his nightstand, before bashfully proposing to spend the rest of the day together, beginning by grabbing lunch at his favourite cafe around the corner. Charlie accepts with a smile that splits his face in two and eyes that shine brighter than a starry sky. 

💬💬

Tara (12:13)

Hey Nick! We’re here! Should we order your usual while we wait for you?

Nick (12:25)

OMG sorry T!!! I completely forgot about brunch. I won’t be able to make it today, Charlie and I just woke up and I kind of offered to go out for lunch together? 🙈

Sorry again, next one is on me ofc 😅

Perhaps Nick shouldn’t have made plans with Charlie when he already had some with Tara and Darcy, but he’s sure that the girls will understand. He tried to keep the details of the fight as vague as possible when he discussed it with them, but he was still in love with Charlie the whole time, so his friends have heard all about how much he’s missed him. 

Tara (12:26)

Charlie was with you last night? 👀👀

And don’t worry, Darcy hasn’t been waiting for you to start eating anyway 🙄😂

Nick (12:28)

Yeah

We talked

Nick is trying to appear laidback and casual as he types with his right hand and lays a fresh set of clothes on the bathroom countertop with his left one, but of course, Tara can see right through him.

Tara (12:28)

!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick (12:30)

Shut up!!

Tara (12:30)

I’m so happy for you Nick!!!! 🥳😁🥰 I knew you two would figure it out. I’m expecting details tomorrow, just so you know 🤭

Nick (12:31)

😊

Nothing is official, yet, but he’s really, really happy, and Charlie seems to be as well. That’s all that matters.

💬💬

🌈Big gay lunch🌈 (7 members, 4 online)

Darcy (12:43)

gays(+Tao)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nicz and Harlie are toghfether ehfajfoaizhfihaf

I fucking TOLD YOU THEY WOULD GET TOGZTJER BEGORE THE END OF THE YEAR§§!!!!

you all owe me!!!! 💸💸🤑

I stg I love charlie with my whole heart but i’m SO glad I won’t have to hear nick wax poetic about his curls or his dimples or his eyes or his legs or his skin or his smile or his drumming or his brain!!!!! 

Isaac (12:47)

We all said before the end of the year 🤨

Darcy (12:48)

I was the closest to the actual date, tho!!!! 💯🔥🎉

Nick (12:53)

??????

Nick discovers these messages as he gets out of the shower, his hair still wet and dripping on his phone screen. Now that his heart rate has come back to normal and he’s had some time to think, he’s very aware of the fact that this is only the second time he and Charlie have talked face-to-face soberly without fighting. This only happened once before, at the infamous party that started it all. 

So when he reads Darcy’s words about them being together, it freaks him out a little. Yes, he is in love with Charlie, and yes, Charlie likes him back, but do they really know each other enough to throw themselves headfirst into a relationship? Does Charlie even want that? Nick knows he does - in his heart of hearts, there’s nothing he would like more than being Charlie’s boyfriend - but he’s mature enough to recognise that his own desires don’t always align with what’s best for him. Moreover, this is the second time his friends are threatening to ruin his and Charlie’s relationship, and Nick feels a twinge of annoyance at the thought despite his affection for Darcy. He knows this is silly, but he kind of hates the idea of proving her right.

Tao (12:54)

Ffs Darcy, wrong group chat!!!!!

Darcy (12:55)

and I- oop! 🤭

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This message has been deleted by its user.

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This message has been deleted by its user.

Darcy (12:57)

Move along,  nothing to see… 🙃

Nick shakes his head with fond exasperation as he enters the kitchen, clad in a forest green jumper and jeans. He’d normally wear trackies on a normal Sunday, but he’s got someone to impress, today. Speaking of sweatpants, Nick finally realises why he hasn’t crossed paths with any of the rugby lads this morning. Otis has a shift at the restaurant he works at, Christian went back home for the weekend, and Sai slept at his girlfriend’s last night. Sai’s bedroom is right next to his own, and he's a really light sleeper. No wonder he hasn’t complained about the noise! Nick must have been pretty distracted to forget about this. 

“Have you seen this?!” Nick asks Charlie, phone in hand.

Charlie is standing behind the kitchen island, unbelievingly cute as he holds a mug with sweater paws. He reminds Nick of a kitten while he sips his tea, and all of his fears suddenly leave him. Their friends’ meddling won’t ruin what they have, because they care about each other, and whatever happens, they know they can be honest with one another, now.

With that being said, Nick isn’t oblivious. Darcy knew what she was doing when she sent this message. Whatever her intentions were when she chose this particular group chat - created on a drunken whim the night of the first party and never used again since - to gossip about them, she wanted them to see it. She wanted them to know that they were betting on their relationship. If Nick had to guess, he’d say that it roughly means something like: “Get your act together and become boyfriends like all your friends expect you to.” A sort of last push to make sure they actually have to talk about their feelings after a night spent together, if you will. Nick can’t say he blames her. They’ve both been quite dense for a while. He just has the suspicion that her message will have the opposite effect of what she intended on Charlie.

“Sure have… What was it again?” Charlie smugly raises his phone in front of his face and starts reading a screenshot of Darcy’s text, evidently trying to stop himself from laughing:   “I won’t have to hear Nick wax poetic about his curls or his dimples or his eyes or his legs or his -”

Nick gets closer with a smirk and a glint in his eyes. He’s not ashamed of what he said. How could he be when his compliments make Charlie blush such a nice shade of red?

“Oh, you wanna play this game?” Nick interrupts with a low, teasing voice. “But, pray tell, who said that I shouldn’t be allowed on Arctic cruises because of how hot I am, hm?” Nick takes Charlie’s mug out of his hands and puts it on the island, before lifting Charlie up and dropping him on the kitchen counter behind him. 

“Shut up, I never said that!!” Charlie gasps, his eyes deliciously hooded and his arms immediately circling Nick’s neck.

“Oh, but I believe you did…” Nick purrs, biting his lower lip. His hands settle on Charlie’s hips mindlessly, his thumbs caressing the skin of the younger boy’s sides under his jumper. It’s a repeat of the moment Charlie woke up, except this time, they’re both completely sure of the other’s feelings. If confidence had a flavour, Nick is convinced it could be tasted in Charlie’s mouth. They’re staring at each other’s lips, entranced by the beauty of the rose petals offered to them. Nick has never wanted anything more than to take the plunge and bite the forbidden fruit. 

Their breaths are almost deafening as they get closer but then, at the very last second, Charlie drops his chin on his chest and avoids what would have been their first kiss.

“They all bet on us getting together before the end of the year,” he states somberly, and Nick knows immediately what this means. The blonde closes his eyes and lets his forehead fall on Charlie's shoulder. 

“And we can't give them the satisfaction, can we? After all they put us through?” Nick asks gloomily.

“No, we can't…” Charlie sighs sadly. “Isaac has been trying to make me admit that I don't truly hate your guts for weeks, I don’t need him getting money over it on top of everything.

“I get what you mean.” Nick is gutted about it, but he truly does. “Darcy will be relentless with her teasing, too. Hopefully, Tara will be here to reign her in a bit.”

“They have nothing on us if we don’t date before the end of the year, though,” Charlie reasons, though he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than he’s trying to convince Nick.

Nick can’t say he’s surprised by this turn of events. No matter how much he longs to call Charlie his boyfriend in front of the whole campus (kissing him under the nose of knobhead Tobias doesn't sound bad either), Nick knows they have to take things slow if they want this relationship to work out in the long run. They’ve only just made up, and they haven’t talked in months before that. Surely, it would be stupid to start dating now, wouldn’t it? It does sound like a marvellous mistake, but a mistake all the same. And Nick isn’t willing to make any more mistakes in a relationship he’s secretly hoping to maintain throughout all his life.

Now, his main concern is to make sure that Charlie is interested in being with him eventually. Nick lifts his head and clears his throat nervously, carefully avoiding Charlie’s gaze.

“So… Do you wanna wait, or…?” He prods awkwardly. “I mean, you do… You do want us to be together, eventually? Right?”

“You mean, like… being boyfriends?” Charlie’s voice is small and shy, just like he was when they first met. He’s so breathtakingly beautiful that Nick’s heart rate accelerates at his sight.

“Yeah…” Nick exhales, finally meeting Charlie's eyes.

“Yes. Yes, of course I do. Do you?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Nick asks with a self-deprecating chuckle. “Yes, I do. More than anything.”

The smile they share is so bright, it could distract a pirate from a bucket of gold. Truly, it could be mistaken for the sun if it was reflected in a mirror. Nick feels his cheeks warm up, and he vaguely wonders if it would be weird to poke Charlie’s dimples. He bursts into giggles at the startled look on Charlie’s face as he gives in to the urge, and Charlie follows him promptly. Nick is almost drunk with happiness, delirious at the realisation that this is going to be his life for the foreseeable future. Then, he remembers what they agreed on, and a ridiculous groan escapes him.

“Maybe we could just keep it a secret?” He asks pathetically.

“You have the worst poker face I’ve ever seen, love,” Charlie chuckles fondly, “we’d be found out in seconds with how much you’re smiling.” He squishes Nick’s cheeks teasingly, his sparkling eyes and blinding grin forming the perfect picture of hypocrisy.

“You’ve got to stop calling me cute pet names if you want me to stop smiling…” Nick warns petulantly, channelling the most childish part of him.

Charlie giggles again. He hasn't stopped all morning, and Nick decides to make it his life mission to hear it at least once a day from now on. Such a gorgeous sound shouldn’t stay enclosed in someone’s chest for no one to hear. 

“Maybe it’ll be good to be friends again first.” Charlie shrugs his shoulders hesitantly. “You know, get to know each other again before jumping headfirst into a relationship…”

Behind all his frustration, Nick is feeling weirdly relieved. He’s never put proper words on it, but he’s always been slightly terrified of being in a relationship. He’s not afraid of romantic commitment - quite the opposite, actually, he’s more likely to come off too strong - but some societal expectations concerning sex and boys his age make him fret in a way he’s not ready to face yet. However, when he opens his mouth again, his false casualness only gives away his disappointment. 

“Yeah. Yeah, totally!” Nick answers with a nonchalant shake of his shoulder. 

Charlie gives him a long, unimpressed look during which Nick holds his breath, before bursting into laughter.

“You're gonna be so bad at this!!” 

“Sooooo bad!!!” Nick confirms in an exhale. He knows he looks sheepish, but he can’t help it, Charlie makes him want to twirl his hair like a schoolgirl. That cheeky bastard!

“I won’t be much better if that’s any consolation…” The younger boy confesses in a soft murmur, tracing Nick’s clavicle with the tip of his index finger. Nick can’t help but shiver under his touch. He has to clear his throat before he speaks again.

“Okay, let’s establish some ground rules, then. No kissing.”

“No sex,” Charlie continues without missing a beat, an evil smirk on his face.

“Charlie!” Nick sputters. “No, no sex, obviously!”

“I’m sure you’re one of those people obsessed with kissing during sex.”

Nick blushes furiously.

“Wha- Why wouldn't I be?!” He stutters. “People aren’t?!”

Nick’s never given too much thought about sex before Charlie, honestly. He’s no stranger to a little bit of self-love, of course, but he never really imagined himself with someone like that. He’s always figured boys his age were exaggerating when they talked about their sexual desires, but now… Now he’s not so sure what to make of it. It’s the same thought as before, knocking at the door of his mind and requiring his attention even more urgently now than the last hundred times it occurred to him. Once again, Nick ignores it but promises himself to go back to it later. This isn’t the time to have a second sexuality crisis.

Charlie shrugs bashfully in response to Nick’s question. “How would I know?”, his reaction reads. Nick can feel his breath stop as he catches Charlie's eyes, full of stars and vulnerability. They exchange a glance and they know: they’ll share this first time, and so many others, together. The notion elicits trepidation in Nick's heart, a mix of anticipation and nerves that he can only associate with Charlie. He can't wait.

“You can’t look at me like that with your beautiful blue eyes, either. That’s banned,” Nick whispers.

“Hm, excuse me?! These are my eyes, how am I supposed to look at you?!”

“Not my problem, Char! Not my problem.”

“Okay! Well, you can’t flip your hair back with that little head movement that you do every time. It’s way too adorable and distracting,” Charlie asserts with a definitive nod. 

“You can’t smile,” Nick counteracts with his own enamoured grin.

“I can’t smile?!” Charlie chuckles in disbelief. 

“Not if it’s going to make your dimples pop out, you can’t!”

Nick grabs Charlie’s left cheek tenderly, thumbing the hollow of his dimple like it’s the keyhole guarding the door of his happiness. Their faces get closer until their noses collide, but neither of them closes their eyes. They’re transfixed by the sight of the other’s lips, shining in the ray of light that escapes from the kitchen window. The Sun and the sky watch over them, content to see their children reuniting. Their expressions become serious again, nearly desperate, and the ravenous look in Charlie’s azur pupils almost makes Nick drop to his knees.

“Don’t you dare kiss me,” Charlie murmurs. “I won't be able to stop you, and then it’ll be over for us.”

Nick and Charlie pant in each other’s mouths for a few more unbearable seconds, before Nick abruptly tears himself away and bolts outside of the kitchen.

“Can’t be tempted if I can’t see you!” He yells from his bedroom. The delighted laugh he gets in response is the most magnificent sound that has ever been produced.

💬💬

After finishing his tea from his spot on the kitchen counter, Charlie returns to the bedroom to collect his things while Nick makes his way to the bathroom. His phone buzzes in his back pocket when he reaches the hallway. 

🌈Big gay lunch🌈 (7 members, 3 online)

Nick (13:20)

We’re not together, guys. Just friends again.

Charlie (13:21)

Exactly. You should be happy that I’m even talking to that lad again!! 😤

Darcy (13:24)

Yeah, I bet you’d rather use your mouth for something else 😏

🖕2

Nick is rummaging through his bathroom cabinet in hopes of finding the new toothbrush he bought for himself a few days ago when he hears Charlie’s voice from the bedroom.

“She’s not wrong!” 

Nick snorts so inelegantly that he’s grateful for the fact that Charlie isn’t in the room with him. The younger boy ends up joining him a few minutes later. Nick finally finds the bright blue toothbrush and hands it to Charlie. The blonde can’t look away, even as Charlie does something as simple as putting toothpaste on his brush. He does it very carefully, almost as if he’s going to be graded for it. Nick finds it weirdly endearing. 

They stand side by side in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing their teeth together like a married couple. Nick bites back a smile, which makes the whole process a bit complex. He briefly thinks that should they kiss right now, Charlie would taste like minty toothpaste. He wonders if this is going to be his life for the foreseeable future: hanging out with Charlie and constantly daydreaming about kissing him. Not that it doesn’t sound a lot like what he’s already been doing since they met. Only now, he knows his gigantic crush is requited, which will make repressing the urge a hundred times harder. God, Nick can’t wait. Not only for January but for the days until then, when he’ll be able to bask in the presence of his non-platonic best friend without hiding how he feels. 

When they get to the cafe, Charlie asks him if he doesn’t mind sharing a bag of crisps and a club sandwich with him. Nick notices a flash of something akin to relief on Charlie’s face as he happily agrees, but he doesn’t dwell on it. He’s too distracted by the dark-haired boy’s pinky nudging his. For the umpteenth time today, his heart tries to beat out of his chest. Nick would let it if it meant that he could hold Charlie’s hand one more time. The boy in question is looking around warily. Nick doesn’t know who he’s on the lookout for, since the chances of running into someone in their friend group are pretty low, and the cafe is deserted at this time of day anyway. Charlie must be satisfied, though, because a few seconds later, he’s tentatively slipping his hand into Nick’s.

They take their food to go and head to Woodhouse Moor Park. They stop walking when they get to a beautiful flowerbed of vibrant Chrysanthemum and sit down on a nearby bench. Neither of them has let go of the other’s hand yet, and Nick is convinced he’ll never stop dreaming about the gleeful giggle Charlie let out when Nick started swinging their linked arms to the height of their shoulders on the way there.

Nick brings Charlie up to speed as they eat, telling him all about his friendship with Tara, Sahar and Darcy, as well as his surprisingly fusional relationship with the rugby lads, who turned out to be really good flatmates. He gushes about his favourite courses and gets emotional as he recalls one particular rugby training at the end of September. A first-year came out to him in the locker room after everyone had left and thanked him for establishing such a healthy and respectful environment as a team leader. Charlie squeezes his hand particularly hard when Nick admits that it’s the proudest moment of his young career as the Leeds rugby team’s captain. 

After they’re done eating, Nick mostly listens. Charlie explains that he’s fascinated by his classics class and that he’s made a habit of going to study in the uni library at least every two days. He loves the quiet atmosphere there and would like to apply to work there next year. 

“Please do,” Nick tells him cheekily, “this is a very good incentive for me to study more.”

Nick then learns that Charlie has been asked to join “Queer Intentions”, which is actually Sahar’s band. The drummer didn’t know it was until Nick told him just now, as he was recently asked in class by their bassist Aleena, but he confesses that he’s hesitant to accept. Nick discovers right here and there that he isn’t above some begging if this means getting to see Charlie play the drums. This is also an excuse to introduce him to Sahar, who shares Charlie’s sarcasm and quick wit. Nick is convinced they’ll get on very well.

Around 3:30, they fall silent for a bit, happy to soak in each other’s presence. The wind picks up and carries with it the last of Nick's doubts. His best friend came back to him, and their relationship is even stronger now that it's been tested.

After a while, though, Charlie’s hand goes a bit limp in his, and his eyes glaze over, lost in the spectacle of the dancing trees across from the gravelled path. Nick knows Charlie's pensive look, and this is not it. This one has a fleck of hurt that wasn't there a few seconds ago. 

“What is it, Char?” Nick probes softly, tapping the back of his hand with his thumb.

“I’ve missed you calling me that, you know?” Nick smiles a bit hesitantly, still waiting for an answer. Charlie sighs and finally turns back to him. “I just wanted you to know that I was planning a whole apology. I wanted to take things slow, and now, I feel like I tricked you into forgiving me by getting all drunk and pathetic.”

Nick's eyebrows furrow. He's not sure why Charlie's still apologising about their fight when it's clear they both had their part to play in it. He always got the sense that Charlie was very hard on himself at times,  but he’d never witnessed it directly until now. Nick feels sick when he imagines what made Charlie so prone to spiral with guilt so easily. 

“You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?” The blonde asks diplomatically, already aware of the answer. 

“No! I didn’t plan on getting drunk, but Tobias was so dull, and then he started talking shit about you, saying you were toxic for raising your voice at me in theatre class -” Charlie rushes out before being interrupted by Nick.

“God,” Nick winces, disgusted with himself at the memory. He’s so ashamed about it that he momentarily forgets his mission to reassure Charlie. “I’m so sorry about that, Char, I swear it will never happen again. I was just exhausted, and depressed, and I thought you’d figured out I liked you and were being cruel on purpose…”

“Oh, Nick… I swear I didn’t know. And don’t apologise, I was a fucking nightmare with you. I was so stung by the fact that you were giving me the silent treatment that I would have said literally anything to make you lose your temper. I’m not particularly proud of it, but I probably wouldn’t have agreed to go out with Tobias if I hadn't been trying to get your attention. ”

“Ah… Tobias…” Nick responds, unable to keep the venom out of his voice as he pronounces the other guy’s name. “Not your type, then?” He’s going for a light-hearted jest, but his tone betrays a flicker of insecurity. Charlie did go on a date with him while being aware that Nick might have feelings for him, after all. 

“Please, as if I could pay attention to anyone else when you are right there…” Charlie rolls his eyes good-heartedly, but Nick doesn't miss how much he's blushing. He feels his cheeks warm up at the compliment, too, actually. “I wanted to tell him I didn't like him like that yesterday night, especially after what happened between us on Friday, but he went on a rant about how pathetic my one-sided crush on you was before I could even get it out.”

“I’m sorry, what?! Fuck him! Christ, I hate that guy!” Nick spats. Ditching Charlie and disrespecting him with ridiculous lies? The fucking audacity of that man! 

“I know you do,” Charlie chuckles, “it kinda was the point.”

“I’m serious, though. I didn’t like him before, but now that I know what he said and did to you last night, I swear I’m going to give him a piece of my mind the next time I see him,” Nick grumbles. Charlie probably knows he won't be physically violent with the other student as much as he does, but it's cathartic to pretend he's going to beat Tobias up. “Probably not in theatre class, though. I don't want our classmates to think I have anger management issues.”

Charlie bursts out laughing and tightens his hold on Nick’s hand. The blonde sighs happily as he rests his cheek on Charlie’s left shoulder. The younger boy tenses for a second, before relaxing and leaning his own face against the top of Nick's head gingerly.

“Anyway,” Nick goes on. “You didn’t do any of it on purpose, so you didn’t trick me, as simple as that. Please don’t feel bad about it. I’m so glad you called me, and I’m so  glad we’re here now.”

“I’m glad, too. You make me…” Charlie goes silent, and his shoulder tenses up under Nick's cheek again. The blonde lifts his face back up to get a better look at the younger’s face.

“I make you what?”

“Ugh, no, forget I said anything, I’m so cringe…” Charlie grimaces. 

“Nooo, I wanna hear it! What were you going to say?”

Charlie sighs, and his eyes close with the force of it. He seems to steel himself for some sort of declaration, and Nick once again realises that Charlie is the bravest man he knows.

“You make me… happy, I guess. Not just because you… like me, but also… before. In general. Even when I thought we were just platonic friends. You make me happy, Nick.”

Nick’s original plan was to gently tease Charlie, but he doesn’t find it in him to do that. Between the shakiness of his voice, the vulnerability in his eyes and the sheer sincerity of his admission, Nick is rendered speechless by emotion. This is it. He’s been swallowed by the sky, only to be reborn in the morning as a brighter star. He burns with a love so fierce and colourful that he’s afraid to blind Charlie with his iridescent light. As a way to shield him, Nick lifts his right arm around Charlie’s shoulders and presses a kiss on his left temple. It’s not even close to expressing the immensity of his feelings for him, but they agreed to stay friends, so that will have to do for now.

“You make me really ‘happy, I guess,’ too,” Nick whispers in his curls with a smirk. He’s waiting for Charlie’s little giggle in response, but nothing comes. A group of student girls passes them and Charlie goes a bit stiff under his arm. Nick is about to retract his arm and ask him what is going on, but Charlie’s voice stops him in his tracks.

“Aren’t you afraid of people seeing?” He asks hesitantly. He looks like he’s bracing for the answer. So Charlie was checking if nobody was looking earlier in the cafe. Nick doesn’t know what to make of it. Is Charlie afraid of people seeing? Does he think Nick is being too clingy already? Or is he really just worried about their friends finding out? It’s not like most of them don’t study in another city… 

“Oh, don't worry, Tara and Darcy are having brunch at Daisy’s Cafe, it’s far from here,” Nick explains. 

“No, I meant…”  Charlie pauses, momentarily lost in thought. Then, he shakes his head and lets out a tiny huff of disbelieving laughter. “Never mind,” he ends up saying with a smile in his voice, burying his head in Nick’s neck.

It dawns on Nick what Charlie meant, then. Is Nick out? Is he worried about being seen with Charlie? Nick’s face softens in a tender smile.

“I am proud that people can see, Char.”

Nick takes Charlie’s hand back in his left one, raises it in front of his face and kisses it reverently.

“...So you're saying I was all drunk and pathetic…” Charlie teases cheekily after a few minutes of blissful silence.

“Cha-arlie!”

This gorgeous, ridiculous man is going to be the death of Nick.

💬💬

By six p.m., Nick has driven Charlie back to his dorm, and he’s getting out of the car the fastest he can so that he can open Charlie’s door for him. He knows it’s silly, but it makes Charlie’s dimples appear even if he’s rolling his eyes affectionately, so it’s more than worth it.

“Oh,” Charlie breathes as he looks down at his chest and notices that he’s still wearing Nick’s jumper. “This is yours…”

All of his clothes are Nick's, but Nick bites his tongue. It's not like Charlie can give him back his boxers right now.

“Keep it.”

The thought of Charlie keeping pieces of Nick’s clothing in his own closet makes his heart skip a beat, for some reason. He has to actively remind himself that they’re not boyfriends. “Yet," a cheeky voice adds inside his mind. Nick suspects that it won’t be the last time. 

Charlie shoots him a grateful yet bashful smile before hugging his waist, just like he did last night. This time, Nick doesn’t hesitate. He throws his arms around Charlie’s shoulders and squeezes him with all his might. They keep on hugging fiercely for a few minutes, reluctant to let go of each other just yet. The only reason they’re not spending the evening together is because Charlie has to finish an essay that’s due on Monday, but he doesn’t seem particularly eager to get back to it right now. His face is lodged in Nick’s neck, and when he speaks again, his voice is muffled by the skin against his lips.

“Are you sure this is reality and not an alcohol-induced dream? I can't believe this is really happening. I - I dreamed about it a lot, but I was starting to fear that we wouldn't talk ever again.”

Nick squeezes his eyes shut, terrified to even contemplate this possibility. It’s almost scary how easy it is to return to the state of emotional distress he was in just a few days ago. 

“You have no idea how many times I wanted to reach out and didn't, I- I was so scared -” Nick gets choked up and it’s his turn to bury his nose in Charlie’s neck.

“We’re okay. We’re okay, now,” Charlie whispers in Nick’s ear as he pets his golden strands.

Charlie touching his hair must unlock something in him, because the next thing he knows, Nick’s reduced to a sappy, needy pile of goo. For the first time in ages, he doesn’t hide nor downplay his emotions. He’s head over heels for the boy in front of him, and he lets himself show it to him.

“I’ll need to see you,” Nick warns with a pout. “Regularly. I need my Charlie time to recharge, I have weeks and weeks to make up for…”

“You’ll never get rid of me,” Charlie promises. “You’ll get sick of seeing me all the time.”

“Never. I’ll get sick of not getting to kiss you pretty quickly, though.”

“T - 57 days.”

“That's… That’s less than the number of days we’d known each other when we first called on the phone,” Nick realises.

“See? It’ll go by in a flash.”

They straighten up, but they don’t let go of each other’s arms. Nick’s gaze travels down to Charlie’s chest, and a teasing grin appears on his face.

“This is my hoodie.”

“Um - yes?”

“When are you available to give it back to me? I really like that hoodie. I would hate to never see it again…”

“Nick…” Charlie giggles affectionately when he realises where Nick is going with this. “Tomorrow. Though I might forget to bring it with me tomorrow,” he says mischievously, “so let’s make plans for Tuesday as well, just in case.”

“Deal. But what if you forget it again on Tuesday?” Nick inquires with mock seriousness.

“Then let’s make plans for every day after that.”

Chapter Text

Nick (7:40)

Good morning! 🌄❤️

It’s T - 52 days!!

I know we’ll see each other in class, but I thought maybe we could walk to it together? 

I’ve made croissants 👀🥐

The brightness of his phone screen nearly blinds Charlie as he rouses from sleep, but he doesn’t notice the sting in his retinas. He’s too distracted by the warmth that burns in his chest at the sight of Nick’s texts. It’s Friday now, and it’s been almost a week of waking up to a good morning message from his best friend. In other words, Charlie has been smiling like a lunatic and skipping to his classes with the energy of a first grader for five mornings straight. He can’t get enough of it. His mood is back to what it was this summer, bright and unburdened, like the back of a wild horse. Nick’s messages have become an integral part of his routine again, just like his daily dose of coffee and the casual reading he indulges in each night before bed. The texts themselves are nothing refined or wildly romantic, but the gentleness and the pure affection they radiate never fail to make Charlie’s heart stutter.

He has known joy during his first months in Leeds, but happiness always seemed out of reach, like a distant memory stuck in time, melted by the summer sun and unable to transfer to the rest of the year. The way Charlie’s heart sped up every time he got a text notification in August became foreign during those weeks, like a drum beat he learned years ago and never played since. However, it’s coming back to him now. He feels it buzzing at the tip of his fingers every time his phone pings with a new notification. 

After his two-month strife with Nick, Charlie is more than ever conscious of his luck. Every moment they spend together makes Charlie love Nick more. He knows it’s a bit ridiculous since they agreed they wouldn’t date before January, but he can’t help himself. Every day, Charlie thinks that this is it, this is the most he’ll ever love, but he’s proven wrong every time. His heart expands with each of Nick’s laughs. With every anecdote, every touch, and every crooked smile, Nick sets his soul aflame, and the heat of Charlie’s adoration only increases. Charlie doesn’t worry about catching fire. He relishes in the glow. He’s been navigating life with a flashlight since that fateful night at the beginning of September, but it only ever was a temporary and weaker substitute to the sheer brightness of Nick’s solar flare. For the hundredth time, Charlie thinks that the older boy is the Sun, and that he himself is an optical prism. He might not be much compared to the astral magnificence of his best friend, but together, they’re able to cast a rainbow on every surface of their shared moments. The thought is enough to make Charlie beam with pride.

Charlie can live without Nick. He can, and he has. The thing is, he doesn’t want to. 

This week, they have met for lunch every single day, gossiping about their classmates from the theatre seminar and sneakily holding hands under the picnic table when nobody was watching. It’s been so nice to spend time with Nick again, to catch up without expectations, nor the typical nerves of trying to mask feelings bigger than the whole sky. Now, Charlie lets himself stare at Nick with a dreamy smile without fear of getting caught when the older boy goes on about the most trivial things, from his favourite classes to his mum back in Kent. Nick knows how he feels and he doesn’t mind. Better than that, he loves how Charlie looks at him, according to the way he blushes and bites back a smile every time it happens. Charlie wants to keep flustering Nick for the rest of time, especially when this kind of action prompts Nick to interrupt himself in the middle of a story to place a closed-eyed kiss on the back of Charlie’s hand.

With Ben – and the few guys who followed – it'd been all making out, no talk. With Nick, it’s the opposite. This change of paradigm is more refreshing than a gulp of water after a long run. Charlie’s been crossing an emotional desert for years, but this all comes to an end today. His thirst for affection is finally staunched. He would die to get a taste of Nick’s plump, rosy lips, but in truth, he cherishes the sounds they produce just as much. Each word of endearment pouring out of Nick feels infinitely more fulfilling than any kiss he’s ever received.

Even if Charlie’s friends hadn’t noticed his absence during lunchtime, they couldn’t have missed his near-constant giddy smile; but he hasn’t given way to their questioning yet. The thing is, he doesn’t know what to say. They aren’t together. For years, the word “boyfriend” has left a bitter taste on Charlie’s tongue. It’d always looked like a mouth-watering apple to him from afar, but the few times he tried it, he found worms in it, and the fruit left his insides feeling rotten and hollow when he spit it out.

But with Nick… With Nick, everything is different. Charlie yearns to call him his boyfriend with every fibre of his being, which is precisely why Charlie can’t precipitate into his arms immediately. This is what he’s done all his life and things never turned out the way he’d wanted them to. He can’t mess up with Nick. Not again. Holding off being boyfriends is the only way he knows to keep his guard up for a little longer. Charlie is aware he’s opening up to Nick in a way he’s never done before with a romantic interest. He’s frightened and thrilled by it in equal measure. What if he scares Nick off? What if Nick discovers how annoying he gets when he has a bad day and feels trapped in a relationship with him? Not using a label gives Charlie the illusion of having some kind of control over this relationship. Nick can’t leave him if they aren’t even together, yet. Can he?

💬💬

When they meet outside of Charlie’s hall of residence, Nick greets him with a hug, just like he always does. He’s holding a plastic container filled with freshly baked croissants, so he can’t wrap his arms around Charlie properly, but, to Charlie’s delight, this doesn’t stop him from trying. The younger boy can’t hold back a smitten giggle as Nick quietly groans in frustration before whispering a soft “hi” in his ear. Charlie feels a bit stupid about laughing this much around Nick, but he quickly pushes the thought aside and kisses Nick’s cheek instead. This time, it’s Nick who chuckles.

Charlie almost asks him there and then. See, he’s been meaning to invite Nick over for a few days now. As a friend, of course. Charlie’s got a whole plan in his mind: he’ll set up something special at his flat to formally apologise for his behaviour. The memory of his callous attitude towards Nick makes him shiver with guilt and shame, and he desperately wants to make up for it. His flatmates are going away to some music festival for the whole weekend and Charlie sees it as a sign. This is his opportunity to do something nice for Nick, which is something he hasn’t done since his birthday in September. Nevertheless, when Nick offers him a croissant, Charlie accepts it and chickens out from asking him. 

They walk to class hand in hand, only letting go when they get in the busiest part of campus. They don’t want to risk any of their friends seeing them. Sai, Christian and Otis are the only people they don’t actively try to hide from, because it would be too hard to hide how much time they spend in each other’s company as they’re living with Nick. They’re vaguely aware of Nick and Charlie liking each other, but neither of them confirmed it in so many words. Actually, Nick pointedly introduced Charlie to them as his friend, and Charlie would lie if he said this didn’t sting a little. However, he knows he had no right to be hurt. It’s only the truth and he is absolutely honoured to be Nick’s friend again.

The building the theatre seminar is held in comes into view before Charlie has the nerve to broach the subject of the non-date. Whatever. He’ll try again at lunch. In the meantime, he’ll just brood about it a little bit. 

Just before they reach the door, Nick stops Charlie with a light hand on his forearm and a worried expression on his face. “Are you okay?” He asks. Charlie once again wonders how the other boy can be so attuned to his every emotion.

“Yeah! Yeah, totally,” Charlie answers with a small smile. He realises he’s telling the truth as he says it. He’ll always be okay with Nick by his side and his hand on his arm.

💬💬

Nick and Charlie spend the whole morning sitting cross-legged on the floor, trying to suppress their smiles as their knees brush against each other every few minutes. At some point, Nick starts to grumble about the “no-chair rule”, telling Charlie in a whisper that no rugby player should have to sit on the floor after a week of practice. His grumpy rant about chronic pains is cut short by a quiet gasp when Charlie starts to rub his back comfortingly in response.

As the teacher progresses from Mouawad to Shakespeare (a favourite of hers, apparently), Nick peeks over Charlie's shoulder to copy the information he hasn’t been quick enough to write down. Then, the woman starts discussing Romeo and Juliet and Nick and Charlie exchange a secretive smile at the mention of star-crossed lovers. Charlie can’t believe how corny they already are. How bad will it be once they start dating? 

Charlie doesn’t have a chance to invite Nick over during lunch, either, since they are sitting with Charlie’s usual crew. None of them dares to ask why the guy who shouted at Charlie a few weeks ago is eating with them, but some people – mainly the classmates Charlie only hangs out with in theatre class – throw him some curious looks. Nick wins them over quickly, though, by showing them pictures of Nellie and paying close attention to all of their stories. For the first time in a while, Charlie feels truly happy on a Friday. 

Charlie should have known that his peace couldn’t last.

It’s the afternoon now, and time for the practical exercises. Charlie was able to ignore Tobias all morning because the boy has never really been invested in the theory part of the lecture, but he’s all about the exercises on stage. He’s now sitting in the front row, desperate to be chosen first despite his obvious lack of talent. That man just loves attention. He would rather be seen fumbling than not be seen at all. Charlie can’t relate. He does okay on stage  – he has worked hard to appear calm and collected in front of an audience and he truly enjoys the material the teacher’s been giving them so far – but he’ll never love having thirty pairs of eyes on him, whatever the circumstances are. 

When it’s announced that they’re doing improv today, Charlie almost stands up and leaves the room. He can do Shakespeare, recite lines and play characters that have nothing in common with him, but improv? He can’t do improv. He never knows what to say when he can’t disappear behind words that are not his. Nick doesn’t seem to like the idea, either. They share a look and Charlie can read fear in the amber of his eyes. To be fair, Nick never seems at ease on stage, no matter what the exercise is. The only silver lining is, they’re allowed to choose their partner this time. Maybe pairing up with Nick isn’t the best strategy, since he looks just as terrified as Charlie feels, but the thought of doing otherwise doesn’t even cross Charlie’s mind. Nothing seems that scary with Nick on his arm. 

When it’s their turn to go up on stage, the lecturer surprises them with a question. 

“Are you guys comfortable enough with each other to act as a couple?” 

Nick’s startled laugh is so loud that it makes half of the class jump. If this woman wasn’t so obviously clueless, Charlie would think that she’s a professional meddler. Then, from the corner of his eyes, he sees Tobias snigger, and that’s enough to make him say:

“Of course, we are. What do we have to do?”

“Well, Nick, you’ll be Romeo, and Charlie, you’ll be Mercutio. Mercutio, you are head over heels for Romeo.” The room erupts in laughter, like every time the lecturer comes up with an “inspired” twist of the original play. Fuck. How ironic is that? This teacher is just making them play out her own Shakespearean fanfictions at this point.   “So, your mission will be to seduce him. You know that Romeo is crazy about Juliet, but you’ll have to find a creative way to make him fall for you. Understood?”

The teacher goes on to explain the tools she expects them to use during the next two minutes on stage, but Charlie’s too distracted by the feeling of Nick’s skin against his to listen to what she’s saying. Charlie doesn’t think Nick even realises he’s doing it, but he’s been grazing the back of his hand since they’ve been called on stage, and Charlie can feel him shaking slightly. Nick really doesn’t like acting, does he? For some reason, this only emboldens Charlie. He wants to lead by example and be confident for Nick. It might be a bit stupid, but for once, he feels like he can be the one protecting Nick.

And so he does.

As the teacher starts the timer, Charlie takes a deep breath, wets his lips and tries to lock eyes with Nick to communicate that everything is going to be alright. The blonde isn’t looking at him, though. He’s staring right above Charlie’s shoulder and towards the rest of the class. His eyebrows are furrowed in a sour expression that looks out of place on his facial features. Charlie doesn’t even need to turn around to understand what’s happening. Nick has noticed Tobias’ scornful frown and he’s giving him the evil eye in response. Charlie almost laughs with delight as the realisation hits him: Nick isn’t just nervous. He’s feeling annoyed and possessive, but he doesn’t want Charlie to know that, and the restraint only makes him more unsettled. 

Well, well, well. Let’s make Tobias eat his words, then.

It only takes a few seconds for Nick and Charlie to start having fun. The next minutes pass in a blur. As it turns out, Mercutio’s creative way of seducing Romeo is just to touch him. Romeo doesn’t oppose any resistance to it, for that matter. Both boys are terrible at improv, but the movements come to them naturally. Their bodies speak to each other silently, exchanging words and expressions with every graze of their hands. 

Mercutio is in love with Romeo and Charlie feels a little too comfortable with this particular scenario. Being on stage gives him the perfect cover. He feels untouchable here, protected by a name that isn't his and a premise he didn't choose. For some reason, Charlie instinctively knows how to make Nick melt. He stands on his tiptoe and drapes himself around the boy’s neck until his lips are caressing his right ear. He lowers his voice to a gravelly murmur and recites:

"Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

And then, Nick nearly moans.

Like a bolt of lightning, a shiver goes through Nick’s entire body and he fucking nearly moans.

Luckily, he manages to shut his mouth just in time, and nobody but Charlie hears it. Meanwhile, the latter is tracing the length of Nick's neck with the ghost of his smirking lips, feeling invincible and victorious at the realisation that Nick is properly melting under his touch. Charlie drags his right hand on Nick’s chest until it rests above his heart. He can feel it thumping under his palm, its rhythm more erratic than the drumming of a 7-year-old Charlie.

“I can see, now,” Nick whispers in an impressive display of bravery. Charlie didn't think he would dare to attempt talking. “For yo- thou are the one I’ve always loved, Mercutio, and my blindness has almost cost me thy affection. I gage not to let my cowardice get in the way of us, nor cause us any more… affliction.”

Nick trying to sound like a Shakespearean character is deeply endearing to Charlie, especially as a parallel can be drawn between this scene and their own story; and Nick's clumsiness only underlines the sincerity of his words. Nick’s large palm is cupping his cheek now, and Charlie completely forgets that they’re supposed to act out some Romeo and Juliet inspired scene. He’s lost in the woods of Nick's eyes and he doesn't want to be found. Actually, Charlie doesn’t even remember he’s supposed to be acting, full stop. The tension between them dissipates as the blonde suddenly picks him up in his arms, but even then, Charlie forgets about their surroundings and almost exclaims Nick’s real name. He lifts him up ridiculously easily, as if Charlie weighs nothing, and Charlie doesn't miss the smug look Nick directs at Tobias after he does so.

The tension returns as soon as their laughs subside and Charlie finds himself caressing Nick’s rosy cheek with his thumb. He feels consumed by the eternity of Nick’s expanding pupils and there’s only so much he can do not to lean towards the forbidden fruit. He feels like Eve, then, ready to sacrifice all humanity for a bite of the divine.

Tragically, or perhaps thankfully, that's when the teacher decides to break the heavily charged silence between them.

“Well, that was very convincing! Well done, boys! Though, I must say, there wasn’t much seducing to do. You acted like you had never heard of Juliet before, Romeo.”

This time, Charlie can’t hold back his overjoyed laugh.

💬💬

“I knew it. I knew you liked him!” Charlie’s gone out of the stifling windowless theatre room during the break, but the universe doesn’t want him to catch a breath, apparently. Nick has stayed behind, once again conscripted by the lecturer to move around some boxes, and Tobias took advantage of the opportunity to swoop down on Charlie as soon as he spotted him next to the water station down the hall. The classics major is just tall enough that Charlie feels cornered. “Why even agree to go on a date with me if you liked him all along?” Tobias spits bitterly. 

The venom in his voice is thicker than molasses, but Charlie can distinguish the silver shine of hurt amongst the darkness of it all. It’s the exact same tone he used with Nick when they were fighting. The boy’s intestines twist with guilt. He’s led Tobias on, despite his best intentions. Charlie feels a lump forming in his throat as the usual sensation of overwhelming self-loathing envelops him. It’s an old winter coat, oppressive and stuffy, but warm in its familiarity. Charlie doesn’t even have the force to deny his accusations. He does like Nick. So, so much. And yet, he’s hurt him too. Is it the only thing Charlie is capable of? Hurting people who take an interest in him?

“I’m so sorry, Tobias,” Charlie sighs regretfully, “that was shitty of me. I wasn't feeling well when you asked and I said yes without thinking.”

“What do you even see in him?” Tobias cries out indignantly. Students around them turn their heads as they pass by. Charlie distractedly wonders what they think is happening. Do they think they’re a couple? Do they think he’s a cheater? The thought makes him nauseous and, despite himself, he starts shrinking on himself. “He’s easily the least interesting person here! I mean, Charlie, he’s just a brainless, boring rugby lad who only tolerates you because your attention makes him feel good about himself. What would you even do with him if you went out on a date?” Tobias scoffs, then, as if a bus ride with Nick wouldn’t be ten times more romantic than a candlelit dinner with him.

Just like that, Charlie’s regret morphs into a deep, ugly outrage. Tobias’ features are distorted by such disdain that Charlie suddenly finds his face grotesque. He doesn’t deserve Charlie’s repentance, and he never has. His behaviour during their so-called date was downright awful, not to mention how inconsiderate it was to leave Charlie all alone in the middle of the night. How dare he talk about Nick like that? Who is he to denigrate the best fucking human that has ever existed? Nick is better than life itself. He’s a god amongst men, and disrespecting him is blasphemous to Charlie’s religion. 

The dark-haired boy feels himself standing tall again. 

“And what did you do with me, Tobias, except talking shit about us the whole time and leaving me all alone in a bar without any way of getting home?” Charlie bites back with an icy tone. “I called Nick in the middle of the night and he came straight away. No questions asked. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met and he’s more clever than anyone here. Nick is more interesting than you could ever dream of being, so shut your mouth, okay?”

Charlie doesn’t look back as he brushes past Tobias to get back to class.

💬💬

If he stands closer to Nick than what’s strictly necessary when the lesson resumes, the older boy doesn’t say a word about it. Charlie can’t help himself. He’s holding himself in front of Nick in a protective stance until they’re told to sit down again, throwing daggers at Tobias every time the other student dares to meet his gaze. 

This second exercise is still improv, but, this time, the teacher gives them total freedom. Two people start a conversation, and students in the audience are invited to replace one of them whenever they want and continue the scene or steer it in another direction. The lecturer calls it “anti-yes-and”, because the only rule is that the two characters (who remain the same despite multiple people playing them) mustn’t agree on anything. Charlie isn’t sure he understands the point of this particular exercise, but at this point, he’s convinced the teacher just likes the drama of it all. She was certainly keen on pairing him up with Nick multiple times despite them not having a single positive interaction in this class before today.

Surprisingly, the self-absorbed prick isn’t the first one to raise his hand when the lecturer asks for volunteers. A dozen students come and go, and a few funny situations emerge. Charlie feels himself chuckling quietly and relaxing enough to replace an education major named Alex after the latter starts discussing the merits of Romeo and Juliet . Charlie knows he’ll be forced to participate at some point, and he’d rather do it sooner than later. Plus, the memory of something that Nick said about the play during break makes his heart beat so fast that it gives him the impulse he needs to go up on stage.

Charlie doesn’t miss Nick’s look of wonderment when he gets up, despite being focused on the line he’ll have to react to. It’s the glimmer of pride in the amber of his pupils, like a moon orbiting around a sun, that makes him brave enough to say what he says next.

“The actor playing Romeo in the school play was hot, though, you can’t deny that,” Charlie argues without missing a beat, his eyes only leaving Nick’s a second after he’s finished his sentence and a delicious blush has spread like a wildfire on the apple of the blonde’s cheeks.

“Oh, yeah? Are you together, then, Alex?” Tobias asks sourly from his place on the floor. 

The question has none of the levity the previous conversation carried, and Charlie’s smile instantly disappears from his face. The re-use of Alex’s name causes some laughs here or there – including from the teacher, delighted to see a student sticking to the rules of the game she invented – but most people in the class seem to sense the awkwardness Charlie feels as Tobias gets up to replace the student who was facing him. He doesn’t even need to turn back to know that Nick’s eyes are currently burning holes into the side of Tobias’ head. Of course, that contemptuous bastard would ambush him in front of everyone, given the occasion. 

That nosy little cunt.

“That’s none of your business,” Charlie replies curtly. He isn’t willing to give him more than the strict minimum necessary to keep the teacher happy. She always repeats that conflict is the key to every good scene, anyway.

“I see,” Tobias says with a smug smirk. “That's a no, then. I guess he doesn't like you as much as you like him.”

Charlie freezes. He feels knocked for six, unable to find an answer to that. Deep inside, he knows that Tobias is just trying to unnerve him, pushing his buttons to get a reaction out of him; but a small voice, one he’s been trying to shut up for years, pipes up as soon as he hears the boy’s vicious taunt. 

You’ll never be enough. You’re clingy and pathetic, and Nick deserves way better than a self-conscious mental case like you. 

Without warning, it all comes back to him. How whiny he was when he was drunk, how he professed his love to Nick, repeatedly. God, he even asked Nick if he loved him! Nick, however… Well, he didn't say it back. Neither during that night, nor the morning after. Charlie doesn’t blame him. Obviously, Charlie likes him more than Nick likes him. Why would Nick be in love with someone like Charlie? Sure, he says he likes him now, but in a month or two, when he’ll realise how annoying Charlie is in real life, when they actually spend time together physically , close enough that he’ll be able to notice all of Charlie’s weird habits, will he still -

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Nick’s threatening voice interrupts Charlie’s spiralling. 

Charlie’s a wax candle and his anxiety is an inextinguishable flame. He’s used to melt and melt away until he is no more, but Nick’s breath is stronger than the wind. The blonde gets up and steps into Charlie’s spot on stage, taking over with a hand on the small of his back. Charlie comes back to his senses at the touch. His mind is still fogged, but Nick’s presence beside him brings him so much comfort that the voices quieten at once. Charlie goes back to his seat quietly, almost on autopilot. He can’t believe Nick is doing this. He hates being on stage. But then again, he probably hates Tobias even more.

“Well, look who's here!” The classic major sneers. “The typical straight guy with anger issues…”

“Oh, that's great, boys!  Keep going! Keep up the tension!” The teacher enthuses despite Tobias obviously breaking the rules she set out at the beginning of the exercise. He has no respect for this class nor for Nick and Charlie, who he’s being rude to under the guise of acting. 

“I’m bi, actually,” Nick rectifies, crossing his arms protectively against his chest. 

“Oh, I’m sure you are.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” 

“Don’t forget to look toward us!” The lecturer chimes in. “We don’t want to see your backs!”

“I mean it’s convenient to become bi the moment you want to steal my date away from me,” Tobias retorts spitefully.

Charlie feels so powerless from his spot on the floor. The rest of the class is in the same state as he is, rooted to the spot and riveted by the bleak spectacle unfolding in front of them. Only Charlie knows what’s truly going on, though. He wants to punch Tobias in the face. He wants to make him pay for the horrible things he’s saying to Nick. And yet, he can’t. He’s not the one in the ring. Nick is. 

“What?”

“I bet you don't actually like Alex. You only keep him around because you like having someone fawning over you. You would never date him. You only remembered his existence the second he took an interest in someone else.”

“That's not true,” Nick growls. “I’ve never forgotten Alex. Alex is the best person I’ve ever known.”

Charlie’s breath catches in his throat, and then, Tobias delivers the final blow:

“Is he? Or do you just like how desperate and pitiful he gets around you?” 

“Don’t talk about Charlie like that, you pathetic prick!” Nick explodes, dropping the pretence of playing a character for good. “Maybe you wouldn't be such a lonely loser if you didn't go around telling people that their boyfriends don't love them, have you ever thought of that?!”

The sound of Nick’s panting is deafening in the silent room, but Charlie can hardly hear it over the pounding of his heart. The words “boyfriends” and “love” resonate on the walls of his mind, getting louder and louder with every passing second. Charlie barely registers Nick shaking his head and coming back to sit next to him as if nothing happened. Thankfully, another person is gracious enough to stand up and replace him to keep the exercise going. 

Charlie would be laughing if he wasn’t so shocked. How many more times will discrete, polite and mummy’s boy Nick Nelson disrupt theatre class with an outburst? What’s more, was he only trying to stand up to Tobias, or was there some truth in what he implied? Charlie doesn’t even dare to think about the “love” part. It feels too monumental, too risky to even reflect upon at this stage of their relationship. So he focuses on the other word Nick used.

Charlie knows that Nick wants to be his boyfriend, but he can’t help but feel like it’s only true in theory. Agreeing to be someone’s boyfriend eventually is different from wanting to be someone’s boyfriend immediately. He has weeks to change his mind, months to realise that this isn’t what he actually wants. 

Charlie wants to slap himself in the face. He thought he’d gained some confidence. Was he only ever faking it? This constant self-doubt is just pathetic. Just this morning, he was thinking about the fact that the “boyfriend” title would put too much pressure on a new relationship he is keen to protect at the moment. He was telling himself that refraining from using it protects him from potential heartbreak. And now, what? He’s throwing a fit because Nick respects his wish to wait? Charlie has to get it together if he doesn’t want Nick to actually change his mind. He can’t let him know he’s freaking out over something so little.

Once again, it’s the feeling of Nick’s body against him that brings Charlie back to reality. They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, and he can feel Nick shaking like a leaf. Charlie doesn’t know if it’s from anger or from shock after what the older boy just said in front of everyone, but he suddenly gets the urge to wrap his arms around his large frame. He knows he shouldn’t do that in front of the whole class, though, so he puts his brain in gear to find a solution to provide some physical comfort to Nick without bringing any attention to them. 

Charlie nudges Nick’s shoulder and offers him a sorry smile that Nick tries to return. It’s more a grimace than it is a smile, but, thankfully, his shaking calms down slightly at the contact. Then, from the corner of his eye, Charlie notices a pile of costume items lying around on the floor, including a long wool coat. It looks damaged by time, but Charlie finds himself weirdly drawn to it. He finds inspiration in the way it presents: old, almost tattered, but still beautiful. Still useful. Just because it’s been mistreated by the world doesn’t mean it’s become worthless. 

Charlie picks it up without thinking. 

As innocently as possible, Charlie drapes the coat on both Nick and his laps, making a show of rubbing his arms like he’s freezing to death and using the piece of clothing for warmth. Nick looks up at him curiously, unsure of what he’s doing, until Charlie grabs his right hand under the coat. Hidden from the world, Charlie’s finally able to communicate what he’s been yearning to say to Nick since he went back to his seat feverishly. With three taps of his fingers against the blonde’s palm, he’s able to tell him everything he needs to say. 

 I, am, here. You, are, safe. I, love, you. 

Charlie has no proof that his three taps mean the same as Nick’s, but he’s certain all the same, from the way Nick’s shoulders sag with relief when he feels them. Perhaps the words aren’t exactly the same, perhaps Nick favours the word “like” to “love” when he does it to him, but the intention of these taps carries the same weight. The affection they convey and the bone-crushing comfort they bring are unmatched. Nick and Charlie have their own language, and Charlie has never been so grateful for it.

Nick closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. It wouldn’t have been gustier if he’d stopped breathing as soon as he left the stage.

“He’s a dickhead,” Nick finally whispers. “You know that none of what he said is true, right?”

Charlie does know that, despite his earlier panic. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe what Tobias said – he is quite desperate and pitiful when it comes to Nick – but he knows that the boy only spoke from a place of jealousy. Nick doesn't believe it to be true, and that’s all Charlie needs. He’s more concerned about what the jerk said about Nick.

“I do. Do you?”

“What do you mean?” Nick frowns and, for a moment, Charlie is distracted by the pout of his lips. 

“You’re not bi because it’s convenient,” Charlie says softly before squeezing Nick’s hand in his. “You just are. And you don’t have anger management issues. He’s just mad you’re not letting him get away with his shit.”

“I yelled at him, though.” Nick is biting his lips, clearly upset by the idea. Charlie can’t help but think that he’s the most adorable man he’s ever encountered. 

“Not really,” he replies conversationally. “You just spoke loudly. People who care tend to do that.”

Nick huffs a laugh. A shadow of a smile appears on his lips and Charlie feels victorious at the sight, even if they're not quite there, yet. Charlie would do anything to bring back Nick’s solar grin on his pretty face.

“For real, you showed some restraint,” the younger boy continues. “I would have punched him if the situation was reversed.”

“ You would have punched him?” Nick chuckles, now clearly amused. His eyes crinkle and his crow’s feet wrinkles spread out around them like butterfly wings. Charlie would kiss them if no one was around.

“I would fight anyone who’s mean to you.”

There it is. 

The most beautiful smile in the world, back on Nick’s pink lips. His honey-brown eyes are simultaneously alight with the gleam of a thousand suns and veiled with an overwhelming fondness. Charlie’s breath catches in his throat.

“Thank you, Char…” Nick whispers, achingly soft. And then, without any consideration for the rest of the world, he goes to rest his head against Charlie’s left shoulder, moving his arm so that their hands can remain linked on their laps. 

Before Nick, Charlie didn’t know of a contentment such as this one. It’s soft and lazy like a sunny day at the park; exhilarating like sprinting through empty school corridors after hours; thirst-quenching like the first gulp of water you drink after thirty minutes of uninterrupted workout. How can one person’s sole presence be the source of such a complex pattern of sensations? 

If emotions were liquors, Charlie would develop an addiction for this particular one, get drunk on it every night until the end of time and never feel sorry about it. Sometimes, he thinks it’s already too late.

💬💬

Nick and Charlie are finally alone. Even the lecturer has left for a meeting in a hurry, shooting them a grateful smile as she noticed they were staying behind to tidy the room. After sharing a well-deserved hug, the boys started working in peaceful silence. Now, Charlie is trying to summon the courage to ask Nick out like he’s been meaning to since this morning. Charlie doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. Nick has never turned down an occasion to see him; on the contrary, he is often the one offering to spend time together, like this morning. Maybe it’s because they’ve never spent the night together after that first time nearly a week ago.

It isn’t a conscious decision on their part, Charlie doesn’t think – it’s probably only due to the fact that neither of them is used to sleeping out on a weekday – but it’s true nonetheless, and Charlie doesn’t do well with changes. But then again, he’s never slept better than with Nick by his side. Before the initial panic set in, waking up in Nick’s arms was glorious. It was like being woken up by a ray of light dancing on his skin. 

However, Charlie fears that inviting Nick to spend the night when he’s still set on making them wait might be misleading. Ben used to accuse him of that. He used to interrupt Charlie with kisses all the time when he tried to hold a conversation, and then call him a tease when Charlie got upset with him for doing that.

Nick is nothing like Ben, though. Charlie might be plagued by self-doubt, but he’s not an idiot. Nick respects him in a way that Ben – or any of his past romantic partners, for that matter – never has. Nick didn’t argue when Charlie told him he wanted to wait. He didn’t force himself on him, nor begged him to change his mind. He didn’t belittle him for making such a decision, either.

It’s basic human fucking decency, and it’s depressing that it feels like a novelty to Charlie, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is the first time in his life that he feels safe with someone.

So, it’s settled. He’ll invite Nick over. 

To give himself courage, Charlie makes a list of things he knows for sure:

1. Nick likes him.
2. Nick wants to kiss him, but he’s willing to wait because Charlie asked him to.
3. Nick wants to be his boyfriend. He told him as much last weekend and he implied it again today.
4. Nick hates theatre with a passion, but he didn’t hesitate to come up on stage to defend Charlie’s honour in front of the whole class. 

And, of course, there was also this moment during the lunch break. Charlie doesn’t know how to describe it. It felt so surreal that he fears he might have imagined it. If he hadn’t stopped himself from replaying the memory in his head until now, he wouldn’t have been able to focus on the class all afternoon. 

It began with Leila, one of Charlie’s classmates, ranting about Romeo and Juliet as she ate an atrocious-looking caesar salad.

“The fact that Juliet is so young in the play kinda ruins it for me,” Leila lamented. “I don’t think you can find true love at thirteen.” From the other side of the table, Nick hummed hesitantly, and everyone turned towards him. “Don’t you agree, Nick?” 

This jolted Nick out of his food-induced stupor. He seemed surprised that someone paid attention to his reactions and wanted to hear his opinion, which made Charlie frown a little. He hoped the surprise only came from the fact that it was Leila asking, a classic major with whom Nick was speaking for the first time since September. 

“I- I don’t know,” Nick stammered. “I mean, the play isn’t as much about true love as it is about cycles of violence, is it?” His eyes were round as he looked towards Charlie for reassurance. Charlie nodded with a small, proud smile. When he spoke again, Nick sounded twice as confident as when he’d started. “It doesn’t matter if they were right about each other, the fucked-up society around them wouldn’t have let them live their love, anyway. I still think that finding true love as a young person is possible in real life, though. Kind of beautiful, even. I’m not talking about marrying your first love immediately, nor dying for them. I just mean that, sometimes, when you find someone really special, you just know they’re it. That they’re your person.” His eyes found Charlie, then. The younger boy’s breathing stopped altogether. Nick wasn’t finished, though. “And, no matter what happens, they’ll continue to be your person for the rest of your life. I don’t think that being young has anything to do with it. If you love them hard enough and you’re willing to put in the work, you’ll withstand time together. You won’t be young for your whole life, but if you have a chance at growing up with your soulmate, then I think you should take it. Growing old together, though… Well, that’s just the easy part.”

By the time Nick finished his tirade, everyone had stopped talking at their table. Every pair of eyes were set on him, and Nick blushed furiously, suddenly extremely shy about all the attention he was getting. Meanwhile, Charlie was in shock. His mouth was probably wide open, but he didn’t register it. He couldn’t think about anything else, apart from the all-encompassing awe that was coursing through his body and making his skin tingle. 

Charlie was so, so in love. 

No wonder he’d said it while drunk. The feeling was pouring out of him, constantly leaking through his every pore without permission. Trying to contain it at all times was as unrealistic as turning off the stars.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just talking nonsense,” Nick backpedalled with a self-conscious laugh and a falsely casual shrug. “I’m not the best at understanding plays.”

When everyone had finished eating and was heading back to class, Charlie couldn’t resist nudging Nick’s shoulder with his own and teasing him a little bit, ignoring the fact that he’d been utterly and completely charmed by what he said. 

“You know what you said earlier about true love? Maybe that should be in your wedding vows…” 

Charlie was biting back a smile, expecting Nick to laugh or to turn back into the flustered mess he became when he realised how heartfelt his answer to Leila’s question had been. Instead, Nick stopped in his tracks and his lips slowly morphed into a crooked grin that stirred something deep inside of Charlie. Nick’s gaze was weirdly intense as he stared into his eyes and, when he replied, his voice was so low that Charlie felt weak in the knees.

“Are you sure you wanna hear all that a second time?”

Charlie would have been less shocked if Nick had grabbed his face and planted a fat kiss on his mouth.

Maybe he didn’t mean to imply he would get married to Charlie, but, honestly, Charlie couldn’t find any other meaning to what he’d just said. Even the most insecure part of his brain couldn’t make him believe that Nick just meant that they would be friends for such a long time that Charlie would eventually attend Nick’s wedding. 

They weren’t even dating yet, and Nick was already joking about them getting married.

Good god.

By the time Charlie works up the nerve to invite Nick to spend the evening at his flat tomorrow night, Nick nods his head so enthusiastically that Charlie bursts into a fit of giggles. Charlie doesn’t remember what he was so afraid of. Nick doesn’t tell him off for being too needy. He doesn’t say he doesn’t want Charlie’s flatmates to see them hanging out. He doesn’t make any lewd jokes about staying the night.

Instead, his whole face lights up, a toothy grin splits his face in two and, with a breathy voice, he whispers:

“I would love nothing more.”

Chapter Text

Charlie can't stop his hands from shaking. Nick should be here any moment now. He feels like he's forgetting something, even if he’s crossed off every item from his checklist. He’s set up the living room, he’s called his flatmates to double check they were okay with him borrowing their quilts for Nick’s surprise, he’s bought Cadbury Oreo chocolate bars and even a bunch of yellow chrysanthemums. Officially, it’s because Nick mentioned how pretty they were when he saw some at Woodhouse Moor Park last Sunday; secretly, it’s because the florist told him they represent happiness as well as sincere and constant love. They also remind Charlie of little suns (and therefore of Nick), but he’s not ready to admit that, not even to himself.

Is it enough? Or, quite the opposite, is he overdoing it? Will Nick find all his efforts ridiculous?

No. Nick is the kindest person you know. He’ll be happy. Perhaps even grateful and excited. He won’t laugh in your face.

Charlie has to repeat this mantra to himself quite a few times before his breathing goes back to normal. The thing is, he’s never set up a proper date at his place before and he can’t help but worry. Besides, it’s not even a date. Just a meet-up with someone he likes very much… All the same, everything has to be perfect for Nick. For god’s sake, why won’t his hands stop shaking? Has he forgotten someth-

Someone is ringing at the door. Nick is here.

💬💬

Charlie doesn’t have enough time to say “hi” before Nick tackles him in his arms, squeezing so hard that it picks him off the floor for a second. Nick nuzzles in the crook of his neck and the feeling of his breathing against his skin makes Charlie’s spine tingle. He can feel goosebumps erupting on his arms, which he uses to bring Nick even closer to him.

“I missed you,” Nick breathes, before placing a tiny kiss on Charlie’s neck. It’s a full stop to his sentence, an “x” at the end of a love letter, a promise of sincerity. Charlie’s belly fills with butterflies.

Three words and a kiss from Nick, and you’re a puddle of goo on the floor… How does this man do it?!

“You saw me all of yesterday!” Charlie protests through a giggle (the first of many to come, he’s sure) in an attempt to distract himself from the scalding heat spreading across his dimpled cheeks.

Nick only shrugs in response. His expression is softer than candyfloss as he looks down at Charlie. His hands have remained on the younger boy’s hips as they separated, whereas Charlie’s have ventured to Nick’s biceps reflexively once they dropped from behind his neck. Charlie’s definitely not complaining about it. Actually, he gives in to the urge and squeezes a little, relishing in the hitch in Nick’s breath as he does so.

The door is still open, but Charlie is supremely warm.

“Still did,” Nick mutters quietly as his thumbs stroke up and down Charlie’s sides.

“Well, sorry you had to go through the torture of not seeing me for almost 24 hours,” Charlie replies, his words teasing but his tone desperately fond. On an impulse, he stands on his tiptoes, cups one of Nick’s cheeks and kisses the other. “I was out all day to run some errands for your surprise.”

“My - what surprise? Charlie! You got me a surprise?!”

“Close your eyes,” Charlie commands with an affectionate laugh. “I’ll show you.”

Nick obeys willingly, his smile so bright, it could navigate a sailor through a storm. He’s visibly buzzing with excitement, and Charlie is once again reminded of his striking resemblance to a Golden Retriever puppy. He can practically see him wagging his tail, right now. His childlike enthusiasm takes Charlie’s breath away. It makes him wonder what it would have been like if they’d actually been friends in school. There’s no time like the present, though. So Charlie tells Nick to take his shoes off, takes his hand in his, closes the door, and guides him through the corridor, making sure that the blonde doesn’t crash into any piece of furniture.

“I also brought muffins, by the way,” Nick mentions as they pass Charlie’s bedroom door.

“Of course you have…”

Charlie shakes his head. This is it. They’re in the living room, where he’s set up a giant pillow fort, using all of the flat’s quilts, covers, plaids and pillows to create a cosy little nook. The sofa has been pushed against the wall to make room for the fort and the coffee table is filled with all of Nick’s favourite snacks. Charlie’s also put his computer inside, with a few of Nick’s comfort movies queued up. Finally, there’s his childhood starry sky projector, which he decided to bring to uni on an impulse at the end of August – despite not having used it in years – after learning that Nick too had a passion for astronomy as a kid. It’d stayed in his suitcase for months, until this morning. And to say he could have been watching stars with Nick since September…

After taking a deep breath, Charlie grabs the flowers on the coffee table and fixes his curls shakily. Does he look as stupid as he feels? Will Nick like it, or will he find it weird? There’s no going back, now, anyway. It’s not like he can ask Nick to leave and go back to his place, and it’s certainly not like he can ask him to do all that without opening his eyes.

Of course, because Nick has a sixth sense when it comes to Charlie’s emotions, he immediately detects his nerves and squeezes his hand in a sign of reassurance.

“Can I open my eyes now?”

“Yeah,” Charlie breathes out shakily.

Nick sees the flowers first. His pretty mouth immediately forms an “o-shape” and his eyebrows shoot up until they disappear behind his golden fringe. His expression is more luminous than the chrysanthemums themselves. Then, he notices the pillow fort and his sparkling eyes fill with tears.

“Char…” Nick whispers in an awed exhale. “You got me flowers? You did all of this for me?”

This is such a simple gesture, and yet he seems astounded that someone would do that for him. Charlie wants to throw caution to the wind and kiss him until he’s got no oxygen left. He yearns to sigh declarations of love inside his mouth until Nick’s lungs are filled with so much love that he can’t ignore it anymore. Charlie wants Nick to know that he deserves this and so much more; he wants to make him understand that he would do anything for him. He would cry for days if it meant that Nick was never thirsty again. He would die and come back to life just to dry Nick’s tears off his cheeks.

“I wanted to do something to show you how much I… How much I care. About you,” Charlie explains breathlessly, weirdly nervous despite Nick liking his surprise so much. “And I knew you used to make pillow forts when you were a kid, so I wanted to recreate something like that. I don’t know, maybe it’s a bit silly…” He can’t help but add with a shake of his head.

A wet laugh escapes Nick. He looks blissful, probably happier than Charlie has ever seen him. A smile dances in his eyes as he stares at Charlie with an impossibly adoring look. Nick hooks his index finger under Charlie’s chin so that his head tilts up, and when they’re face to face, he sighs so heavily that Charlie can smell the delicate mint of his toothpaste.

“God, I want to kiss you so bad…” Nick murmurs. He then shuts his eyes and chuckles to himself, as if the stupidity of the situation has just hit him. Without opening his eyes, he trails his lips on Charlie’s face, until they’re on his cheek. However, he miscalculates a bit and leaves a passionate kiss right at the limit of the younger boy’s mouth, dangerously close to where Charlie wants him most. Charlie’s face goes up in flames. “This is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me,” Nick continues as he draws back, oblivious to Charlie’s state. “I’ve never gotten flowers, either! They’re so pretty…”

Charlie nearly crumbles with relief at the sight of Nick’s obvious excitement. Instead, he tenderly thumbs the freckles on the blonde’s hand and guides him inside the fort. A vase is waiting for them here and Nick teases Charlie for his rigorous foresight as he turns on the starry sky projector. A few minutes pass by while they talk about their day before Nick has to stop again, still in disbelief at Charlie’s surprise.

“The night my dad left, my mum set up a fort for me in the living room. She slept in there with me because I was scared she would leave, too. For one or two years after that, she did it a few more times, mainly when I’d spent the afternoon crying by the telephone, hoping for a call that would never come… David wasn’t allowed to come inside, because he always made fun of me crying. Anyway, I love pillow forts. They make me feel safe,” he recounts, his voice more choked up than the first time he told the story this summer.

“I remembered.”

“You remember everything,” Nick whispers reverently as he looks at the Cadbury Oreo bar in his hands. When he lifts his head to look around some more, his eyes shine with tears under the gleam of the string lights. “God, I haven’t been in one in ages. I can’t believe you thought of this. This is perfect, Char. Absolutely perfect. Thank you so much…”

Nick nearly tackles Charlie to the ground as he engulfs him in a tight hug. Luckily, Charlie has moved his mattress to the living room in hopes of making the fort really comfortable, so his fall is easily cushioned. Nick’s body feels heavy on top of his own, but Charlie doesn’t mind it. He finds that he actually likes how unapologetically passionate Nick can get. His stature feels like a weighted blanket and tethers Charlie to the world in a way that nothing else can. Paradoxically, it’s easier for him to breathe with the physical mass of Nick’s affection pressed against him.

“This is the least I could do after all the horrible things I did and said to you,” Charlie replies quietly whilst raking his fingers through Nick’s shiny strands. They look even more radiant under the artificial light, and he distractedly wonders if they are glowing under his chin like a buttercup would. “I acted like a thirteen-year-old and you didn’t deserve any of it. I know this isn’t enough to erase it all, but this is my way of showing you how sorry I am.”

Nick straightens up, leaning on his fists, and even though Charlie is distracted by the sight of his biceps bulging with the effort, he doesn’t miss the serious expression in Nick’s eyes. His eyebrows are drawn up by sadness, as if Charlie’s words pained him immensely.

“Char… You don’t have to do anything to earn my forgiveness. You already have it.”

“I know, I know, sorry, it’s coming out all wrong…” Charlie stutters. “I just wanted to do something nice for you, that’s all. God knows I haven’t been doing that a lot lately, and I missed it.”

Nick has no choice but to follow suit as Charlie sits back up. The younger boy is suddenly embarrassed and his eyes are fixed on the cushion’s fringe he’s toying with.

“Charlie. Look at me.” Charlie tries his best to hide the shakiness of his breathing as he inhales. He looks up at Nick but his head remains lowered, kept there by the iron hand of shame that is pressing on the back of his skull. When their eyes finally meet, Nick gives Charlie a fond smile and leans over to place a soft kiss on his forehead. “You don’t have to make amends,” he whispers reassuringly, “I don’t want you beating yourself up for the rest of time, especially for something that’s already in the past. We can’t start a relationship based on guilt…”

Charlie can’t bring himself to lift his face. He knows Nick is right – a future together isn’t in the cards for them if he refuses to forgive himself – but he’s still so angry at his past self, who made Nick feel small and unloveable in an attempt to protect his own heart. Charlie hates how selfish he’s been in order to avoid getting hurt. And yet, he knows he ought to move past this. Like Nick said, he can’t spend his whole life rehashing the past.

The thing is, Charlie doesn’t know what forgiveness looks like. He knows Nick is honest when he says he forgives him, but he’s just not sure what the concept entails. His mother used to tell him she forgave him after he apologised for misbehaving as a child and then brought up his bad conduct again and again in front of various family members. As for Ben, his forgiveness didn’t come without some sort of punishment first, Charlie realises now. Once, Charlie bit his lip by accident as they were kissing, and he had to let the older boy forcefully grab his wrists in a way that made him queasy inside to be “forgiven”. Still, Ben made fun of him for weeks on end after the fact.

To complete this cycle of pure insanity, Charlie now feels guilty about still feeling repentant despite Nick’s reassurance. Whatever his feelings might be, this non-date isn’t a mean for him to make amends to Nick. Charlie genuinely just wanted to do something nice for his friend, with no other intention than making him feel safe and cared for.

“I think we are both to blame equally,” Nick continues diplomatically, unaware of Charlie’s inner turmoil. “Our insecurities fed off of each other, and we hurt each other a lot, but our fight didn’t leave irreparable damage, did it?”

Nick’s eyes are wide with innocence and unbridled hope, as if Charlie’s answer will determine the entirety of his days. This is the face of faith itself, and Charlie can’t be the one denying him what he wants.

Charlie has to let himself trust Nick. This man in front of him, whom he loves more than life itself, is the most sincere person he’s ever encountered. If he says he forgives him, then he does. Nick is not his mother. Nick is not Ben. Charlie has to trust that if he says it’s fine, he won’t begrudge him in silence and bring it up every time they fight. He won’t throw passive-aggressive comments at him and make him pay for his awful conduct until the end of time.

“It didn’t,” Charlie exhales, finally able to let himself look at the boy in front of him. Nick’s painfully, breathtakingly beautiful, and Charlie once again wonders how he got so lucky. “I forgave you as soon as you explained your reasoning. I mean, I like you romantically, of course, but I’ve also loved you as my best friend the whole time. That has never changed.”

“I love you as my best friend too…” Nick answers breathlessly. Both of their faces turn red as soon as they realise how intense his tone was. Nick clears his throat and turns away. Ironically, he’s suddenly the one incapable of meeting Charlie’s eyes. Nick swallows, and Charlie can't help but track the movement of his Adam's apple as he does. He wants to kiss him there and leave a mark while he’s at it. Is that weird?

A few seconds pass in silence. Charlie shakes his head and tries to regulate his heartbeat. It perpetually baffles him how quickly Nick can put a stop to his spiralling and turn him into a horny and lovestruck teenager.

“I think we both have some… issues that we need to deal with, but, ultimately, we are going to be okay, aren't we?” Nick finally asks.

Life would be much simpler if hating yourself wasn’t so addictive, Charlie thinks. Perhaps letting someone sincerely love you is the bravest thing you can do. Accepting someone’s forgiveness and unconditional affection subjects you to the possibility of self-acceptance and self-improvement, which are much less comfortable paths than wallowing in misery; but aren’t these prospects so worth it?

The answer is in front of him, written all over Nick’s delicate features. Charlie can see it in the thousands of freckles adorning his cheeks and in the golden sparks dancing inside his eyes.

Of course, he has to give this a shot. He would be a fool not to.

“Yeah. I know we are. The mistakes we made gave us a chance to grow up together, eh?” Charlie teases, remembering the words Nick used when he went on about Romeo and Juliet. The memory still makes him weak in the knees. He’s lucky he’s sitting down right now.

“Exactly,” Nick whispers. His eyes shine as a look of understanding passes between them. The eye contact is intense, but Charlie doesn’t feel uncomfortable. It’s like looking at a sunset or a shooting star. It’s the logical thing to do.

Without a word, they go back to their previous position, with Charlie lying down on the mattress and Nick hugging his waist. His head rests above Charlie’s heart and he lets out a content sigh as Charlie’s hand returns to his hair. He starts scratching Nick’s scalp delicately, making the older boy hum with delight.

A few minutes pass in peaceful silence before Nick speaks again.

“Also…” he trails off now, fidgeting with the hem of Charlie’s cotton t-shirt.

“Yes?”

“It will sound bad, but I swear it isn't, Char.”

Charlie gulps with difficulty. He’s willing himself not to panic.

Trust, Charlie. You have to let yourself trust him.

“Okay?” He says in a voice that he hopes isn’t as squeaky as he perceives it.

“I’ve thought about our fight, and… Don't get me wrong, I was miserable when we weren't talking, but at the same time, maybe it wasn’t all bad?” Despite himself, Charlie’s hand stops moving at once. He soon senses Nick’s nerves, though, and forces himself to resume his movements. He can’t see the blonde’s eyes from here, but judging by his slightly shallow breaths, he’s anxious to get it out. In short, it seems important, so Charlie listens. “I didn't really know who I was before we met in June. I’d never been given the chance to figure myself out, but, thanks to you, I finally got a glimpse at the real me. So when the school year was about to start, I was fully planning on leaning on you a lot. I liked you so much, and I was ready to ignore the whole world if it meant that you were part of mine.” Nick squeezes Charlie’s waist at that, and Charlie feels himself relaxing. He thinks he sees where this is going. “I didn’t realise I didn’t have to choose. I was feeling like myself with you, and that's all that mattered to me at the time. In hindsight, it wasn't very healthy, I think. Then our fight happened, and I got to know who I was outside of my friendship with you. I made friends with the lads, with Tara and Darcy again, and even with Sahar… I’m not glad our fight happened, and I hated every second of it, but I’m grateful that I was given the opportunity to figure myself out outside of the person I lo- the person I want to be in a romantic relationship with.”

Charlie doesn’t miss Nick’s suspicious stuttering, but he doesn’t have it in him to give it more thought. He’s not there yet. Besides, he’s filled with too much awe to think about what Nick might have said if he hadn’t corrected himself right away.

“You’re amazing,” Charlie exhales in disbelief. “I… I don't know what to say to that, really. I’m so proud of you. Is that a weird thing to say?”

“That’s really nice to hear, actually…” Nick chuckles bashfully. “I feel like I don't know what I’m doing most of the time. But it still feels better than not knowing who I am, I guess.”

Charlie thinks back to the version of Nick from his old Instagram account, who hardly ever smiled in photos and who decided to post a straight ally flag because his feelings for Charlie had sent him into a crisis which he had no support system to get him through. Charlie also remembers what Nick confessed to him during their first phone call. The fact that he found it exhausting to let people in and how scared he was of getting close to someone who would potentially leave. Charlie’s years at Truham weren’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but he was always sure of exactly who he was and he had wonderful friends by his side, who liked and respected him very much. This wasn’t the case for Nick.

He’s come such a long way since then, proclaiming his bisexuality and his affection for the younger boy in front of an entire class. He’s made so many friends and overcome some of his biggest fears without ever renouncing his kindness, and Charlie is overwhelmed by the admiration he has for him. Charlie is so proud of Nick that he feels like he could burst with it. So he wraps his arms around his shoulders and squeezes him tight against his chest. Then, he cranes his neck to press a gentle kiss in Nick’s soft hair and lets himself revel in the faint scent of cinnamon he finds there. Nick kisses his right pec in response and Charlie feels his soul floating away.

Silence settles between them for a minute or two. There’s something so intimate in the way they’re holding each other, closed eyes and tight fists, that Charlie has the urge to do something he usually hates doing: he wants to be honest. Nick has been showing him his most vulnerable side since the beginning of their friendship and Charlie thinks it’s time for him to return the favour. He has to let his shame go: his awful behaviour took root in past traumatic experiences, and Nick deserves to know about them. Charlie doesn’t owe it to him, of course, but he suddenly feels the need to confide in him.

For the first time in his life, Charlie wants to be seen. His chest is ripped open and his heart is exposed and defenceless under the starry sky projected above him, but he isn’t scared. He trusts Nick. Knowing him, he’d rather chew on his own heart than pull Charlie’s out and crush it in his fist, like so many have done before him.

“When I was in school, I dated a boy for a while,” Charlie starts with a slightly shaking voice. Nick stills in his arms, but he doesn’t say a word. This isn’t going to be easy, but it has to be done. “Well, I thought we were dating, but he ignored me in public, and when I brought up the b-word, he scoffed and insulted me. He made me feel awful about ever thinking he could like me like that.” Charlie swallows noisily. This is the first time he’s talking about what happened with Ben out loud. Even Geoff, the therapist he was seeing at the time, only got a shortened version of the story. “A week later, I saw him kissing a girl by the school gates. I never said anything to him. I convinced myself that it was just his way of avoiding getting outed. We continued meeting in secret for months after that. I only put an end to it at the end of year 12… That day, I was crying because I’d had a fight with my mum and I was hoping for a bit of comfort. Maybe a hug, something like that. But when he saw me, he said I looked hot while crying. I told him I wasn’t in the mood, but he didn’t listen to me. He pushed me back against a wall and… Yeah. Let’s just say I didn’t want to see him anymore, after that.”

Charlie’s eyes blur with unshed tears and the gleam of the string lights starts dappling in his vision. He has never told this to anyone before, and the retelling of the story only makes it more real. He’s quick to clear his throat, though. This bastard doesn’t deserve Charlie crying over him years after the fact.

“Charlie…” Nick’s exhale is infinitely sad, but he doesn’t move nor try to meet his gaze. He knows better than to interrupt Charlie in the middle of such a personal confession. He tightens his grip around him, though, and Charlie does as well.

“Then, at the beginning of year 13, I befriended a boy in my form group,” Charlie continues. “You were already in Leeds, by then. He was so nice to me. He was nothing like the guy I’d been seeing before. We were fast friends. I started to like him, but I didn’t get my hopes up. He was in the rugby team and he was hanging out with boys who weren’t that nice to me.” This is a story Charlie hasn’t thought about in months. He hasn’t let himself think about it, too scared that the memory of it would destroy the little self-confidence he’d managed to build for himself. But now, in a pillow fort that nearly brought a rugby captain to tears, with Nick’s large body on top of his, words are pouring out. “In November, though, he confessed his feelings and asked me to be his boyfriend. I was overjoyed. I said yes immediately. However, when I got to our first date, all his friends were there with him, laughing at me. He admitted it’d been a bet the whole time. He said he thought I was cool and all, but he didn’t like boys like that and that was on me for thinking otherwise. He’d never actually wanted to be my boyfriend.”

Charlie lets the statement sit between them for a few seconds. This happened a year ago, but he still remembers the deep burn of humiliation he felt that day.

“I think you can see why I’ve been wary of the word since then. I’m not a fan of bets, either.”

“Fuck, Charlie…” Nick is shaking with rage now, but he doesn’t add anything else. He seems to sense that Charlie needs his attention more than his words right now and he is absolutely right. The younger boy has been bottling up his feelings for years and he needs to get them all out in one go. If he chickens out, god only knows when he’ll find the courage to broach the subject again. Charlie knows Nick has forgiven him, but he’s still desperate to make him understand what influenced his behaviour during their fight. He needs Nick to know, to see, and to understand how badly life bruised him but to love him all the same.

Well. To like him all the same.

“All my life, my defence mechanism has been to make myself disappear at the first sign of danger. I was used to being ignored, but when you did it to me, something snapped in me. Because, since we met, you’d always paid attention. You’d always seen right through me. So, when suddenly, you didn't anymore, I wanted to be everywhere. I figured it would be impossible to be hurt if I was always in your face and impossible to overlook.”

So, here it is. The whole truth is now in plain sight, as ugly as it may be. These memories have been taking so much space inside Charlie’s mind, and yet they almost look harmless now that they’re out in the open. The scary monsters from his past aren’t that threatening once he’s on the other side of it, on a (non-)date with the literal embodiment of his dream man. Charlie lets out a huge sigh of relief. He feels twenty pounds lighter, all of a sudden.

However, when Nick doesn’t respond, Charlie feels the need to fill the silence again.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told all of this to. I’m not trying to justify my actions, or anything… But I guess I wanted you to know. I want you to know that the way I acted had nothing to do with you. I’m just a bit fucked up in the head,” he finished with a self-deprecating laugh.

Nick finally sits up, and Charlie is taken aback by the intensity of the heartbreak he finds cracking through his eyes. A tear slowly rolls down Nick's cheek, but he doesn’t seem to notice it. The blonde couldn’t have looked more devastated if all the things Charlie described had happened to him.

“Charlie…” He pleads in a soft whisper. “Please don’t say that…”

“Sorry, I know I shouldn’t say things like that. I don’t really think like that anymore. It’s just… Old habits die hard.”

Nick stretches out his hand towards Charlie’s face, then, and caresses his cheek with his knuckles, as if he’s the one who’s been crying and not Nick. His movements are infinitely gentle and Charlie feels his shoulders sag under his touch. The weight he’s been carrying for years has finally vanished.

He’s been unfortunate quite a few times in his life, but he isn’t the problem.

Charlie realises he is indeed crying when Nick’s enamoured gaze disappears behind a veil of tears. Paradoxically, this is the most at peace Charlie’s ever felt.

“I wish I’d been there for you at the time,” Nick whispers. Charlie can’t bear the regret he hears in his voice. “Those guys are complete bastards, by the way. No one deserves to be treated that way, but it’s truly unfathomable that they chose to do it to you. You are the kindest, most thoughtful and caring and amazing person in the whole world,” Nick carries on vehemently, “and I hate that they made you feel like you aren’t.”

Charlie’s bottom lip starts quivering and he can’t stop himself from sniffling a bit as his tears fall silently. He’s overwhelmed by his love for Nick, but he can’t say it, so he stays silent. Instead, he climbs on the blonde’s lap, sits in the v of his spread-out legs and hugs him close, burrowing his nose in the crook of his neck. In return, Nick buries his fingers in Charlie’s curls with one hand and envelops his waist with his other, like he often does. He makes them slightly sway from right to left for a few seconds and Charlie’s tears subside. He could fall asleep like this.

“It’s crazy to me how I could have a crush on you at the time and still be so unaware of everything that was going on with you. I didn’t even recognise you when we met again. I’m such an idiot,” Nick sighs against Charlie’s hair.

The fact that he was Nick’s bisexual awakening still baffles Charlie. He would lie if he said he didn't feel a lot of pride at the thought. He was too busy avoiding bullies to notice Nick at the time, but he’s convinced that he would have crushed on him if they had shared a class or taken the same bus to school.

“No, you’re not. It isn’t your fault, you must have only seen me from afar. I was hiding in Mr Ajayi’s classroom most of the time. I didn’t want to have to deal with the rugby team…” Nick flinches. “Sorry. I didn’t mean… You know what I meant.”

“I do,” Nick murmurs sadly.

Charlie lays a soft kiss on the crook of Nick’s neck. The latter hums in response.

“As for this summer…” Charlie trails on quietly, looking for his words as he goes. “I think that accepting that you were bi and interested was way less comfortable than pining in silence like I’m used to doing. So, even if there were signs, I ignored all of them more or less consciously. I thought I had gained self-confidence, but I still struggle with it, evidently. Turns out there’s a difference between knowing you deserve to be treated well and truly believing it. Back when I was in school, I didn’t even rationally think that I did. I know I do, now, but I’m not sure my brain is fully convinced yet.”

Nick’s fingers start tracing shapes on Charlie’s back. He’s not doing anything specific at first, but after a while, he starts drawing love hearts over and over again. Charlie's pretty sure he did the same thing on Nick’s hand when he was drunk in his car, but he can’t be sure. His memories from that night are still a bit blurry.

The touch makes his stomach flutter.

“I think I know what you mean,” Nick confesses. “Rationally, I know that I should be allowed to feel what I feel, but I’m so used to being self-conscious about how much I feel… everything… That I tend to try to mask it, most of the time. My instinctive response when I feel hurt or panicked is to run away. Both literally and figuratively.”

Charlie marvels at the discovery that the man he loves can relate to his nonsensical feelings. Who knew that opening up about his insecurities could be well-received, and even lead him to understand Nick better?

Charlie lifts his hand against Nick’s back and starts tracing love hearts too. A heart, for a heart.

“The first time we talked on the phone and you helped me calm down as I was crying,” Nick continues with an audible lump in his throat, “I promised myself I would keep you in my life for as long as possible. I liked you so much already, and I promised myself I would fight for you. And then, as soon as things got hard, I ran away, like I always do. I guess I’m a bit like my dad, on that front…” The laugh the blonde lets out then is bitter, and Charlie can’t stand the self-loathing he discerns in his voice.

“I don’t know your dad, but I’m sure you’re not like him. You only ignored me because I hurt you in the first place, whereas your dad just dismisses your existence for no fucking reason.”

Nick hums thoughtfully, but Charlie isn’t sure he is convinced.

They stay silent for a while. Charlie has the impulse to trace “I <3 U” on Nick’s back, but he resists it. He might feel safer than ever in Nick’s arms, but he can’t put that kind of pressure on him. No need to remind him of his intense feelings.

Nick’s words come back to Charlie, then.

“I’m so used to being self-conscious about how much I feel everything that I tend to try to mask it, most of the times.”

For some reason, the realisation that they are afraid of the exact same thing makes Charlie burst out laughing.

“What a pair of socially inadequate adults we are!” He exclaims as he leans back to face Nick. The blonde starts chuckling too, before dropping his forehead on Charlie’s collarbone.

“Fucking hell…” Nick groans. “Let’s promise each other, then. I’ll stop running away when I feel too much, and you won’t let yourself disappear when something’s bothering you.”

“Nor will I explode at you without you even knowing why. We’ll communicate,” Charlie insists, his index finger in front of Nick’s face. The older boy gently grabs his wrist and uses his thumb to move his knuckles out of the way in order to kiss the inside of Charlie’s hand. Then, he hooks his pinky with Charlie’s to seal the promise.

“We’ll talk about it together if something’s wrong. Whatever it is. We won’t let it fester.”

“I promise.”

“I promise, too.”

Charlie knows he will have to fight against all of his instincts to honour this promise, but he makes it all the same. There’s no doubt in his mind that it’ll be worth it.

💬💬

Nick and Charlie spend the next half hour eating dinner and tasting Nick’s muffins, as well as his favourite snacks, that Charlie bought for him. The noises the older boy emits as he swallows fizzy bubblegum bottles after barely chewing them are so pornographic that Charlie makes the mistake of trying some. They’re bloody horrendous, but he can’t complain when Nick’s reaction is to shake his head playfully, exclaim “More for me!” and lick the sugar off Charlie’s fingers, making his stomach tighten with arousal. Luckily, Nick is too busy stuffing himself to notice.

Later, they’re in the middle of a wild card game when Nick’s face turns pensive after a while.

“Should we talk to our friends? Get them to drop the wager?” He asks with a slightly worried look.

The surprise makes Charlie stop in his tracks. The thought of explaining to his friends why he finds bets so bloodcurdling never occurred to him. Perhaps it’s because this one isn’t so bad. He doesn’t love it, but knowing that Nick’s affection for him is so noticeable that his protective friends placed a bet on it is far from unpleasant. Moreover, Charlie can’t imagine himself re-telling what he just told Nick to someone else. He’s not there yet, and he doesn't know if he ever will be. He wants to move past this, leave it all behind and never have to look back at it ever again. Telling Nick was necessary, but he doesn't think he could stomach Elle's looks of pity or Tao demanding names.

Charlie wants to become Nick’s boyfriend, but most of all, he wants to be ready once he does. He wants to be confident that Nick will still like him at his worst and he wants to be sure that he’ll be strong enough to admit it to him when he inevitably starts spiralling about something, even if the reason is ridiculous.

Life has given him 47 days to achieve this, and he will make the most of it, despite how much he yearns to kiss Nick and call him his.

“Nah, that’s okay,” Charlie replies. “They wouldn't understand, anyway. I’ve never told them about this and I don't particularly want to. It was really humiliating.”

Nick taps Charlie’s ankle three times with his index. His expression is soft and his eyes are warmer than melted caramel as he whispers: “Thank you for telling me…”

“It’s fine. Well, no, it's not, but I am. Plus, I really want to see their faces when we get together the second the new year’s countdown is over!”

Nick bursts out laughing and his eyes crinkle the way Charlie sees in his dreams sometimes. “The girls will kill me!”

💬💬

They’re cuddling on the mattress and about to start watching the first Iron Man (after Nick repeatedly insists that they don’t need to watch a Marvel movie if Charlie doesn’t like them, to which Charlie answers that he really doesn’t mind) when Nick suddenly straightens up, making their shared velvety plaid drop from his shoulders.

“Wait!” He exclaims, before dashing out of the pillow fort. Charlie is stunned for a few seconds before he can hear Nick ruffling into the bag that he left in the hallway when he came in. When the blonde comes back a minute later, Charlie’s heart stops altogether.

Nick has a pair of wire-rim glasses perched on his button nose, and he’s never looked sexier to Charlie.

Completely unaware of all the sinful images that are going through Charlie’s mind right now, Nick sits back down next to him, starts the movie, places the plaid back on his shoulders and eventually intertwines his fingers with Charlie’s. The younger boy knows he’s gaping at Nick, but he can’t bring himself to stop looking at him. He’s never seen him with his glasses on and he looks exceptionally handsome in them. Charlie can already picture him as a teacher in this moment, being all smart and attractive, and he really, really fucking wants to kiss his wonderfully rosy li-

“...Char?” Nick’s voice finally breaks through Charlie’s glasses-related fantasies. “I was saying, is my head too heavy or can I lean against your - Wait!” The older boy interrupts himself, astonishment rapidly dawning on his features. Charlie can feel his cheeks burning at the realisation that he was caught thirsting over Nick in real-time. “Do you like me in glasses or something?!” Nick asks through an incredulous laugh. Charlie thinks he might just die of embarrassment.

“Shut uuuup!” Charlie protests. He’s mortified, but he can live with it, because Nick looks absolutely gleeful with this roguish smile and his blushing cheeks. “I just really, really want to kiss you, right now,” he pouts sulkily.

“Don’t say that if you’re not gonna follow through with it…” Nick sing-songs through a giggle.

Charlie grimaces and gently smashes Nick’s face to get him to stop talking. Nick intercepts his hand and grabs his other one, too, before wrapping both of them around his own neck. Their foreheads are touching now, and Charlie has to close his eyes and take a deep breath to stop himself from leaning in and kissing his lips.

“Hey,” Nick murmurs in Charlie’s ear with a husky voice. “You’re aware that no one would ever know, right?”

Charlie hears himself whine, but he’s in no state to feel self-conscious about it. “Niiick, we said no kisses on the lips…”

“Well, who said anything about kissing my lips? There are plenty of other places you could kiss… Many people kiss their friends, right?”

“You’re totally right, friends do kiss each other…” Charlie rushes out, despite knowing that this is the lamest excuse they could have ever come up with. His mind is completely blank, except for all kinds of images involving his lips on Nick’s skin. He wants to devour him. He wants to kiss every single freckle he can find on Nick’s body and make him his in the only way he can.

Charlie cups Nick’s gorgeous, bespectacled face and admires him for a few seconds. He can’t hold back a lovesick sigh at the sight of the blonde closing his eyes and nuzzling against the palm of his hand like a cat waiting to get petted. Charlie’s heart is bursting with so much love and affection that he worries he might die right then and there.

The thing is, there’s absolutely no way Charlie Spring will accept to die before he’s had the chance to kiss Nick Nelson. So, he gets to work.

Charlie starts by kissing Nick’s cheek. He’s delicate, at first, as if all their friends are about to receive a text notification informing them of what he’s doing if he kisses Nick too hard. He’s swiping his thumb on the cheek that he’s not kissing so that it doesn’t feel left out, before dragging it dangerously close to Nick’s mouth. He gently grazes the rim of Nick’s lower lip, until it falls open and Nick’s tongue meets the skin of Charlie’s thumb. Nick is about to close his lips around it when Charlie teasingly removes his finger, using his hand to grab Nick’s hair and tug his head back instead. He does it carefully, whispering “This okay?”, just in case this isn’t something that the blonde will like, but Nick is extremely responsive as he whimpers his consent.

Both of their breathings become more and more laboured as Charlie progresses from Nick’s cheek to his chin. He peppers little kisses along the ridge of his jaw until they’re mouth to mouth, panting into each other’s faces. Nick opens his eyes then, and it’s like he’s just woken up from twenty years of sleep. His pupils are bigger than the moon, and Charlie knows from looking at his drooping eyelids that Nick thinks they’re going to kiss. So Charlie uses the modicum of self-restraint that he has left to be a little teasing shit instead.

He kneels so that he’s towering over Nick and leans in without ever breaking eye contact. He’s moving slower than a cloud in the summer sky and Nick is entirely transfixed. When Charlie is an inch away from his mouth, the older boy closes his eyes and tilts his head to meet Charlie halfway. This is his first mistake.

Charlie’s face-splitting smile almost keeps him from executing his plan, but he still manages. He gets closer and closer to Nick’s face and, when he’s just one breath away from the blonde’s mouth, he raises his face a fraction higher and kisses the skin just above Nick’s upper lip, right under his nose. His lower lip brushes against Nick’s upper one for half a second, and Charlie can taste Nick’s gasp of surprise as the older boy chases his mouth to close the kiss. Charlie knows he can’t hover above Nick’s lips too long if he wants to honour his promise, so he moves his face back quickly and straddles Nick’s lap with a blissful giggle.

Nick’s eyes are still closed and his voice is deliciously rough as he drawls: “You tease…”

“You love it.”

“I love it so much,” Nick sighs, “please don’t stop…”

It feels so good to tease the guy he likes and be met by playful annoyance. Charlie isn’t used to it. He only knows real anger and fake placation, not the soft gentleness of flirty complicity. Nick and Charlie are on the same wave length, like two trains riding the same railway line at the exact same speed. They’re two wagons tied together, now, and they’re heading in the same direction. This is a very comforting thought.

From his new-found position, Charlie has excellent access to the long expanse of Nick’s pale neck. Still, he keeps his hand in Nick’s hair, tugging regularly to remind him who’s in charge here. Charlie starts placing open-mouthed kisses under his jaw, as ardently as if he were making out with Nick’s lips. He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines he’s kissing Nick until his lips ache with it. The blonde’s hand tightens in Charlie’s curls and he pushes the younger’s body closer to his own with the other one circling his waist. The only thing filling the silence is Nick’s heavy breathing, and Charlie has to actively stop himself from grinding his crotch against Nick’s.

He’s raking his fingers through Nick’s silky, golden hair in rhythm with the movement of his lips, and he already knows it will look absolutely wild when they separate.

Charlie continues his ministrations for a while; kissing, licking and biting the porcelain skin like he is a famished man stranded on a desert island and Nick is the most appealing dish he’s ever seen. Nick’s panting becomes louder and louder as Charlie travels to a particularly sensitive spot on his neck, and Charlie’s mind starts floating away in a blissed-out cloud. Without thinking, he slips his left hand under the hem of Nick’s t-shirt.

“Still okay?” He mumbles.

Nick is confirming before Charlie’s even finished the question. The curly-haired boy kisses lower and lower, until he’s sucking the skin right above Nick’s collarbone. Meanwhile, he’s tracing the hard plane of Nick’s chest, revelling in the definition of his pecs and the softness of his sides. The feeling of Nick’s abs flexing under his palm sends shivers through Charlie’s entire body and a shot of arousal strikes him harder than a lightning bolt. The Sun and the Earth are colliding and the explosion it’s causing is absolutely blinding. Charlie is lost in the throes of love and lust, and falling head first in a foggy wormhole filled with cinnamon-scented oxygen and stars made of sandy freckles.

It’s an out-of-body experience.

Charlie hadn’t planned what happened next. His left hand is still roaming voraciously under Nick’s shirt when his thumb suddenly brushes Nick’s very hard nipple. Charlie’s right hand tightens his grasp on Nick’s hair by reflex, and Nick lets out the biggest moan Charlie has ever heard. It’s low and plaintive, deep and provocative, and every single hair on Charlie’s body stands to attention at the sound. He’s never heard anything like it, not even in porn.

The sound makes the younger jump back, suddenly acutely aware of what they were doing and where this was heading. He feels like a bucket of water has been thrown over his head, only the water is boiling instead of freezing, because he feels even hotter now that he can see Nick’s parted lips, his ruffled hair and the blush that’s spreading from his collar bone to the tip of his ears.

“Oh, my god,” Charlie breathes out.

He doesn’t know what to think. His brain has been reduced to goo the second Nick put on his stupidly sexy glasses.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Nick blurts out, his eyes closed and his face scrunched in embarrassment. He’s so red in the face, it’s almost concerning.

Charlie’s a little too shell-shocked to reassure him like he ought to. How far would they have gone if that sudden noise hadn’t pulled him out of his lustful trance? As soon as he thinks it, the phrase “lustful trance” makes him burst out laughing. Soon after, Nick opens his eyes and joins him with a groan and a sheepish chuckle.

“Go over there!” Charlie exclaims while pointing to the furthest spot from him in the pillow fort, mainly to distract Nick from the fact that he is currently half-hard in his pyjama pants. “You’re banished to horny prison!”

The booming laugh he gets in response comes from the depths of Nick’s belly. Charlie beams with pride at the sound. How can he feel so lighthearted and happy when he’s just let his guard down so radically despite his best efforts? How can Nick make him feel this way so easily when Charlie spent years dragging the weight of his anxiety across the earth?

“Horny prison?! Excuse me, who got all hot and bothered from seeing me in glasses in the first place? You nearly sucked me dry just now!” Nick protests, but adorably complies all the same and goes to sit on the opposite side of Charlie’s.

Charlie gasps, affronted like Nick isn’t saying the complete truth. “Don’t say ‘sucked me dry’ you lascivious monster!” He squeals, throwing a pillow in his face.

Soon, they’re laughing hysterically and engaging in a passionate pillow fight. Charlie is fondly exasperated with the pair of them. It hasn’t been a week since they agreed not to do anything together, and they’re already struggling to keep their promise. Charlie knows they should implement stricter rules (such as “no kissing of any kind, from now on!!”), but he really doesn’t want to. This was way too much fun. Besides, they’re only human. They can’t be expected to behave completely appropriately for another 47 days.

When Nick threatens to take off his glasses if Charlie doesn’t stop smacking him in the head, Charlie stills and promises to be good. They return to their spot in front of Charlie’s computer and resume their cuddling.

After all, dating or not, they can’t stay separated for long.

💬💬

“I was wondering…”

Nick’s whisper startles Charlie awake. They’re watching the second Iron Man movie and Charlie has been fighting sleep for a good twenty minutes. His head is resting above Nick’s heart and his strong heartbeat has been acting as a lullaby. Their hands are linked on the blonde’s stomach, so Charlie starts playing with Nick’s fingers to keep himself awake.

“Yeah?”

“I have a match coming up in two weeks - on Saturday? It’ll probably be very boring, I know you don’t like rugby that much, but… I was wondering… Would you want to come? Maybe?” Nick’s voice is slightly breathy and Charlie wonders if he’s nervous about asking him. At the mention of rugby, his mind fills with images of Nick from the Leeds rugby team’s Instagram, and he feels his face flaming up, yet again. Needless to say, he’s very awake now. However, Nick mistakes his silence for hesitation and rushes to justify himself. “You don’t have to say yes! I just thought you could come and I could even lend you one of my rugby shirts, since the girls will be back at Tara’s house that weekend and we won’t have to worry about them seeing… But that’s probably stupid anyway…”

He can’t believe that Nick wants him there, in the part of campus where he’s the most recognisable, wearing his shirt with his name on it. He doesn’t want to hide Charlie away. He wants to show him off. Charlie’s heart races at the realisation.

“Nick!!” Charlie chastises. He drops Nick’s hand to gently shove Nick’s face with his palm. “It’s not stupid! I would love to come!”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yes! Of course, I would.” Charlie hesitates for a second, before admitting: “Have you seen yourself in your rugby shorts? Of course, I want to come…”

“Oh my god, Charlie!!” Nick chuckles, blushing for the hundredth time of the night.

“What? It’s true! I haven’t dared to come to a match since September, but don’t think for a second that I haven’t seen photos!”

“Don’t ever call me a lascivious monster ever again, you absolute slag.”

“That’s fair, I guess,” Charlie giggles.

They brush their teeth together and Charlie is reminded of the first morning they shared. Is it insane to already know that he wants a lifetime of this? Of grazing hips with Nick and letting himself be hugged from behind as he hopelessly tries to tame his curls before bed? It probably is, but he finds that he doesn’t care. The two wagons are heading in the same direction, he knows. Not knowing if they will arrive at their destination together doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy the ride while it lasts.

💬💬

Charlie has turned off the string lights, but Nick has insisted upon leaving the starry sky projector on. Yet, he’s not looking at the stars, right now. Nick and Charlie are lying side to side, facing each other, heads resting on the same pillow, and Nick can’t take his amber eyes off of Charlie. A gentle, lopsided smile is gracing his lips and Charlie realises he’s never seen him smile so tenderly at anyone else before.

“Thank you so much for this, Char,” Nick whispers, his hand coming to cup the younger boy’s cheek. He’s so genuine that he almost looks like he’s about to cry. “No one has ever done anything so thoughtful for me before. This was the best date ever.”

“Nick!! This wasn’t a date!” Charlie sputters. They can’t call it a date, it would imply that they are dating - which they are not. Not yet.

“No? What was it, then?” Nick asks quietly, amusement written all over his lovesick gaze.

“A… A… perfectly platonic meet-up between best friends! A meeting, even! We’re not allowed to go on dates, remember?”

Nick looks like he’s biting back a laugh, so Charlie gives him a dark look.

“Oh, a strategic meeting, uh?” Nick giggles, clearly delighted by Charlie’s clumsy denial. “Right, sure… Well, this was the best meeting ever, then. It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mister Spring.”

Charlie can’t hold back his laugh, then, very conscious of the absurdness of their predicament. He only stops when Nick leans in to kiss his nose.

Not only has this been the best date Charlie has ever been on, but it’s also one of the best nights he’s ever had. He’s always having such a good time with Nick, whatever they’re doing. As long as they’re together, as boyfriends or as slightly non-platonic best friends, he’ll always be happy.

When Charlie finally falls asleep, it’s with stars above him and Nick’s back against his chest. Charlie’s right arm is wrapped around his waist, and Nick is holding his hand against his heart. The rhythm he senses underneath is similar to the clickety-clack of his train back home.

Chapter Text

Nick (19:12)

Turns out my teammates didn’t buy the “attacked by a bear” excuse 🤭

Nick doesn’t try to bite back his giddy smile as he lowers his phone from his face. He’s waited for the locker room to empty before photographing his bare chest, but the damage is done. Everyone has seen the purple mark, glowing on his pale skin like the burning torch of a revolutionary lighting the night sky. The lads went feral at the sight of it, ecstatic to finally get a glimpse into the sexual life of their captain, renowned for being tight-lipped about his love affairs. Nick didn’t yield as his mates assailed him with personal questions, but he couldn’t blame them. He’s having a hard time tearing his eyes away from the remnant of Charlie’s desire himself.

Ironically, the hickey on Nick’s clavicle is almost the less incriminating part of his demeanour. Three whole days ago, Charlie surprised him with the most thoughtful date ever (even if the idiot tried to call it a “meeting” – Nick still chuckles at the memory), and he hasn’t been able to stop grinning like a madman ever since. He feels like he’s walking on clouds, protected from the world by the bubble wrap that is Charlie’s affection.

Nick puts his shirt back on, sits next to his bag on the wooden bench and slowly drops his head back against the roughcast wall. He closes his eyes, then, and takes a deep, contented breath, uncaring of the stinking odour of sweat that permeates the already stale air. Nick’s too busy reminiscing about the coconut scent of Charlie’s hair to smell it anyway. Love is a powerful potion, he muses.

He knows he should get back home now, but it’s video games night with the lads on Tuesdays, and he knows he won’t have a chance to text with Charlie as much as he’ll want to. So here he is, waiting for Charlie’s response and hoping for a bit of back and forth before he has to return to his flat.

Nick’s eyes are still closed when he hears a ping come out of his phone a few minutes later. His smile widens.

Charlie (19:15)

oh my god nick, i didn’t think about that

i’m so sorry

Nick shakes his head. This stupid boy, he thinks affectionately. How does Charlie not realise that this love bite is the souvenir of the sexiest moment in Nick’s entire life? How does he not know that it sparked something in Nick that had remained dormant for twenty-one years? That Nick would nearly give his own life away just to live something similar again, despite the thrill of fear that accompanies the thought?

Nick (19:15)

Don’t you dare apologise, Char!!

I love it, probably more than I should. I was nearly late to class this morning because I couldn’t stop staring at it 🤭🥰

I kinda wish there were some on my neck too, tbh… But I guess that would have been harder to hide…

Charlie (19:16)

🫠 you sap!!

i’ll add some more in 48 days if you’re still up for it 😘

Nick (19:17)

🥵😍🥰🔥💗❤️‍🔥

I can’t wait!!!!!!

Charlie (19:20)

for real, though, what did you tell them? i’m really sorry you had to invent something.

Nick (19:20)

I told them the truth: that it’s none of their business!

Charlie (19:21)

otis, sai and christian will connect the dots, though, they saw you leaving for my flat on saturday evening and return on sunday with a hickey and a bunch of flowers….

Nick (19:23)

Damn right, they did, and they were very jealous of me, mind you!!

Did you know that none of their girlfriends have ever gotten them flowers? Men should be gifted flowers, too!!

I was a bit smug at first, but then I started feeling sorry for them and now I’m thinking of buying them some. Though there’s absolutely no way I’m getting them flowers before I get you some, so they will have to wait…

Until our next “meeting”, at least!! 😌😆

Charlie (19:23)

you can’t avoid the subject by being adorable, Nick 🙄

(/aff 💛)

Nick hears himself giggle at Charlie’s words, but he doesn’t manage to feel self-conscious about it. He’s been praying for this kind of happiness for too long. He refuses to let himself feel bashful about finally experiencing it.

Nick (19:24)

I think they have an idea of what’s going on, but don’t worry, they won’t tell anyone ❤️

(send me red hearts, you coward!!)

Charlie (19:25)

you can tell them the truth if you want. as long as you don’t go into too much detail. i don’t want you to have to hide things from your flatmates. it’s only a matter of time before they start asking questions, anyway…

(blue and yellow hearts are our thing, though 💙💛)

Nick (19:25)

💙💙💛💛💙💙💛💛💙💙💛💛

💬💬

Just like Charlie predicted, it doesn’t take long before Sai starts asking questions. Nick is surprised to find him outside of the locker room. He’s leaning against the wall with no coat on like it’s not freezing outside, and his nose is buried in his phone. He only notices Nick when the latter purposely walks past him without saying anything. The blonde takes long strides and Sai has to jog to catch up with him. Nick knows his friend has only waited for him to be able to inquire about his hickey in a private setting but, even if he appreciates his discretion, he wants to tease Sai for his rare display of curiosity.

“I thought you and Charlie weren’t dating!”

“We’re not,” Nick replies nonchalantly, trying to keep the smile out of his voice. It’s kind of nice to have someone taking an interest in his life when it’s not just for the sake of gossiping. Perhaps the other lads were asking questions out of misplaced nosiness, but Nick has a feeling that this isn’t the case for Sai.

“Uh…” Sai sounds incredulous. “So Charlie’s not the one who sucked on your collarbone, then?”

“Ugh, don’t say it like that…” Nick grimaces. For some reason, he finds that he really doesn’t like discussing that kind of thing with people. The only person he wants to talk about it with is Charlie; but then again, it’s not rare for Charlie to be the exception to the rule when it comes to Nick.

Beside him, Sai’s face goes from sceptical to alarmed with every second that goes by in silence. Nick pays no mind to him. He’s focused on the way the gravel crunches beneath his feet. Charlie did say it was okay for him to talk about them to his friends, but what should he say? How much should he reveal? A small part of him is afraid that Sai won’t understand. Their arrangement might be a bit unconventional, but Nick is convinced that they’re doing the right thing. However, he’s not sure he could handle being judged by his friend.

When Sai speaks again, his voice is full of anxious trepidation.

“Nick… Please tell me that it was Charlie…” He sounds almost terrified, now, as if Nick getting with another person would be cataclysmal.

“What is it, to you?” Nick chuckles. “Why do you care so much about my love life, suddenly?”

Contrary to most of the team, Sai’s never been one to gossip much. If he’s asking, it’s because he truly cares about Nick, and with the way he’s phrasing things, Nick suspects that he cares about Charlie in some capacity, too. The thought warms up Nick’s insides.

“I’m just afraid of you messing it all up, is all!” Sai exclaims. “We all saw how miserable you were when you were fighting with Charlie. You were hiding it well, but we all noticed. I don’t know why you’re not dating, but he clearly likes you, Nick! You can’t mess around with other people just because you think Charlie doesn’t want to date you. I’m sure he would say yes if you asked!”

“Relax!” Nick interjects. He’s really laughing now. Sai has put a lot of thought into this! “It was Charlie. And he does want to date me. We just… can’t. Not yet. Well, we decided not to, anyway.”

“What? Why?!” Sai cries out. “Don’t you want to?”

“Of course, I do. It’s just… Complicated.”

At the back of Nick’s head, a voice tells him that it might be even more complicated than what he chooses to let on, even to Charlie, and perhaps even to himself, but he decides to ignore it. He can’t focus on that right now. He simply can’t.

“He likes you and you like him, how is that complicated?” Sai argues. “Is that because of the team? You know we would all have your back, right? Plus, you’re the captain, you could throw any homophobe off the team and you’d hear no complaints from the rest of us.”

“Well, thank you for saying that, but, uh… No. It’s got nothing to do with that. I invited Char to our next match, actually.”

The silence isn’t heavy as they arrive at the door of their hall of residence, but it’s definitely cumbersome, like a gigantic beach bag. Nick has been carrying the weight of solitude for so long that it’s fused with his back, and he can still feel the ghost of it now that it’s gone. Nick has to fight his old habits and remember that he can confide in his friends. He can confide in Sai.

“We discovered that some mutual friends bet on our relationship. They all said we would get together before the end of the year, so we decided to wait a little. Get to know each other again before throwing ourselves head first into a relationship.”

As expected, Sai bursts out laughing.

“You’ve got to be kidding! Really?! The only reason you’re not dating yet is because your mutual friends bet on your relationship? Nick, that’s so petty!”

“Well, that's not exactly -”

“Not to mention ridiculous!” Sai interrupts. “Why would you deny yourself happiness just to annoy your friends?”

“You don't know the whole story, Sai, okay?” Nick replies curtly. He’s feeling defensive of Charlie’s reasons, and, secretly, defensive of his own, too. He takes a deep breath and continues more calmly than before. “It’s not really about pissing off our mates. We just want to take it slow and the wager is giving us a great excuse to do so. We haven’t spent that much time together, even if it’s easy to forget it, sometimes. We didn't talk for weeks and we’d never met in real life before that…”

“But you’re in love with him, aren't you?”

Nick stops in the middle of the stairs. The question shouldn’t surprise him, and yet, it does. Of course, he’s in love with Charlie. So much so that it’s obvious to his flatmate, whom he’s only been friends with for two and a half months. Nick clears his throat in hopes of regaining his composure, even if he knows that the red tinge of his cheeks gives him away.

“It doesn't matter, okay?” He sighs as he resumes his ascension. “Charlie is not ready. He’s had some awful experiences in the past and his relationship with dating is pretty complicated as a result… I don’t want to rush him. Call me pathetic, but I would wait for way more than a few weeks if Charlie needed me to.”

Nick clenches his jaw as he braces himself for Sai’s disapproval or, even worse, the possibility of his friend seeing right through him. Sai turns to look him in the eyes and, for a second, Nick thinks this is it. He’ll know. Sai will know he’s lying or, at the very least, not telling the entire truth. He’ll hear the voice in Nick’s head, and he’ll know that Charlie isn’t the only person benefiting from them waiting. Nick is petrified, for a moment. Is it considered lying if Nick himself only gets a glimpse at the truth when the stars are out and the sun is low?

“I don’t think that’s pathetic at all,” Sai finally says after a few seconds of silence. “The opposite, actually.”

Nick feels himself loosen up. His body was tight as a spring as he waited for Sai’s response. He knows he ought to detach himself from others’ opinions of him, though he can’t help but feel relieved about his friend’s approval.

“Thank you, Sai. For caring,” Nick says sincerely, once they’re at the front door of their flat.

“Of course, mate.” Sai pats his arm energetically, before turning away to unlock the door. “We love you and we love Charlie. We just want you lads to be happy.”

Nick bursts out laughing. “Well, for starters, if you want to make Charlie happy, never call him a ‘lad’ to his face!”

💬💬

The rest of the week goes by quickly. After their second night together the weekend prior, Nick and Charlie have slept together two more times. Well. Slept in the same bed, to be more accurate. They used to hold off, as if spending the night apart would prove that they were perfectly platonic mates, but they don’t fight it anymore. They sleep way better in each other’s arms, anyway. Charlie keeps his Friday nights free though, making sure to be available for Tao’s remote film nights. His childhood friend is studying cinema in a prestigious film school in London, resulting in him choosing films that are more obscure than ever. Still, Charlie wouldn’t miss it for the world.

On Saturday evening, Charlie goes over to Nick’s and plays video games with the lads. Nick feels Sai’s eyes on him when he finds himself unable to look away from Charlie’s dimples as he’s kicking Christian’s butt at Mario Kart, but, luckily, Sai doesn’t say a word. They drink beer and eat greasy pizza for dinner, and Charlie later confesses to Nick that he’s pleased with himself for managing to eat such a scary food in front of people he doesn’t know very well. The admission comes as they’re tangled in Nick’s sheets together. Under the protection of the late hours, Charlie tells Nick all about the eating disorder he developed as a teenager and how he manages it these days. He mentions how proud he is that he didn’t have a relapse during their fight and Nick has to fight back tears as an overwhelming sense of admiration washes over him. Charlie’s eyes stay shut the whole time and his voice doesn’t waver once as he talks about meal plans, safe foods and difficult days. Nick doesn’t interrupt, enraptured by the way Charlie’s face glows under the moonlight. He looks ethereal, invincible in his vulnerability, and totally at peace as Nick’s freckled hand rakes through his luscious curls. Nick’s fingers dive seamlessly into the darkness, like people fall into dreams.

Charlie’s speech is informative as well as optimistic and Nick is grateful that he gets to find out in a peaceful context. Mainly, he’s honoured that Charlie trusts him with such a personal aspect of his life. As a thank you, Nick kisses every corner of his face – except his gorgeous, grinning lips – once he’s sure that he’s done talking.

Charlie falls asleep with Nick’s lips on his forehead. Just in case dreams can get influenced by external factors, Nick murmurs three “I love you’s” against his skin.

💬💬

The next day, Nick takes Charlie to his weekly brunch with the girls and Charlie gets to meet Sahar for the first time. Charlie looks so cuddly and attractive in his grandpa jumper and his ripped jeans that it takes Nick a minute to notice his shock as he takes in the short girl in front of him.

“Oh!” Charlie exclaims, a grin splitting his face in two. “You’re Sahar!”

“The one and only!” Sahar quips back without missing a beat.

Charlie bursts out in peels of relieved laughter, which leaves Nick wondering if his enamoured trance has made him miss a key moment of the conversation. He exchanges a confused look with Tara and Darcy, who look just as lost as he is.

“What am I missing? Do you guys know each other?” Nick asks.

“Yes!” Charlie exclaims at the same time as Sahar says: “No..?”

A lovely blush colours Charlie’s cheeks as Sahar furrows her eyebrows in confusion.

“Well, no, we don’t,” Charlie rectifies, “but I’ve seen you… around.”

“At a concert, then. Please tell me you’re going to give Queer Intentions a chance!” Sahar implores. “Our last drummer was a wanker, but god, was he good. I hate to say it, but he’s sorely missed, musically anyway.”

The brunch is a success. As expected, Charlie and Sahar get along like a house on fire and Darcy gets really excited when the boy mentions some kind of indie band that Nick has never heard about. However, he doesn’t miss how Tara’s kind eyes light up with joy as she notices the amount of time Nick giggles at one of the other boy’s jokes. Finally, Charlie agrees to try going to a rehearsal and the girls make fun of Nick when the news makes him smile uncontrollably. Sahar reluctantly agrees to let him come, too, if he promises not to distract anyone. Nick and Charlie try to pretend they don’t know what she’s talking about, even if they’re fully aware that everyone here knows about Nick’s feelings for Charlie. Nick suddenly feels extremely thankful that Charlie has marked his hidden collarbone and not his neck.

💬💬

“What was up with you and Sahar?” Nick asks as they’re walking back to his flat, hand in hand now that the girls can’t see them. Sahar moved on quickly earlier, but he couldn’t help but feel intrigued by Charlie’s relieved reaction as he saw her for the first time.

“What do you mean?” Charlie asks innocently, though somehow, Nick can tell he knows exactly what he means.

“I don’t know, you went all weird when you saw her! Where is it that you’ve seen her before? I’m guessing it wasn’t really at a concert.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Charlie concedes with a sigh. “Actually, it was that Monday in September, after the party. You were with her when I saw you across the hallway.”

“Oh,” Nick exhales. “Right. That’s the day I became friends with her, actually. She noticed I was feeling awful and she asked me what was going on.”

Nick doesn’t like to think back to this day, but he can’t deny that it marked the start of a beautiful friendship.

“Well, at the time, I might have thought that you were… maybe… dating,” Charlie confesses.

“What?!” Nick exclaims incredulously, unable to hold back a chuckle as he does so.

“Don’t laugh, I was panicking! You weren’t answering my texts, and the next thing I knew, you were in the arms of a girl I had never heard about before…”

“Awww, you were jealouuuuus…” Nick teases. Charlie groans and tries to walk ahead of him to hide his embarrassment, but Nick yanks on his hand to bring him back in the circle of his arms and presses their foreheads together once they’re face to face again. The sudden movement almost makes them lose their balance, and their bodies swing from side to side like the pendulum of a broken clock.

“Shut up!!” Charlie whines. His lowered face has turned crimson and Nick feels a familiar tug of endearment in his stomach at the sight. He lowers his head and kisses Charlie’s scrunched-up nose until the boy stops grimacing. It doesn’t take long.

Nick loves that Charlie gets possessive. The notion makes his skin tingle with satisfaction and ignites a fire in his belly. In fact, Nick gets possessive too, which is in part why he’s more than a little excited for Charlie to wear a rugby shirt with the name “NELSON” plastered all over his back next Saturday.

He can’t wait.

💬💬

Nick is buzzing with excitement. It’s been weeks, perhaps even months, since he’s felt such enthusiasm before a game. He feels confident and proud, and he can’t even pretend to be unaware of the reason. Charlie’s here to see him. For the first time since they met, Charlie is here to watch him play rugby. In other words, Nick has someone to impress today.

Realistically, he knows that Charlie doesn’t really care about his rugby skills (he’s already confessed to being incapable of remembering the basic rules for more than five minutes), but he still wants to make him proud, which is why nerves are thrown into the mix of emotions he’s going through right now. His knee is bouncing like crazy, and Christian has already shouted at him three times to stop shaking the bench. Nick takes some deep breaths and tries to remember that whatever the outcome is, Charlie will have appreciated the opportunity of ogling him in his rugby kit.

When it’s finally time, Nick gives one last speech to the team before they all walk out onto the pitch. Nick tries to spot Charlie’s head of curls in the stands, but a crowd of overexcited students is blocking his view.

“Oi, captain!” Adam exclaims, trotting behind Nick. “Just saw your boyfriend in the stands! I didn’t know that you were dating Charlie Spring, that’s proper cool, man!”

Adam is a year older than Nick and the reason why he is here in the first place. He was the one who presented the team during Leeds University's open day and who made it clear that no toxicity would be permitted there. This felt revolutionary to eighteen-year-old Nick, who still had to hear Harry throw homophobic insults to their opponents at every match.

“How do you know Charlie?” Nick inquires. Charlie’s pretty popular on campus, he knows that, but Leeds still has over thirty-five thousand students.

“He helped my little sister pass her first Latin exam a few weeks ago. Saved her from a breakdown… and me from a weekend of cheering-up duty!”

“Charlie’s great, right?” Christian interjects as he reaches his teammates’ level on the field. “He’s not Nick’s boyfriend, though.”

“Not yet!” Sai chimes in.

“What do you mean ‘not yet’? What have I missed?!”

“What? He’s not?” Adam wonders. “He’s wearing your rugby shirt, though?”

Nick shrugs, a lopsided smile tugging at his lips. “He gets cold.”

“And he doesn't have any jumper of his own, of course…” Sai muses ironically.

“Just admit it, you wanted to see your name on his back!” Otis laughs, coming out of nowhere.

Nick can’t hold back a smirk as he relents: “Well, I would be lying if I said you were wrong, and I’m not a liar…”

The lads all laugh, except Christian, who’s somehow surprised by this revelation. How he can live with Nick without suspecting anything is astonishing. He truly is the most clueless boy Nick’s ever met. It’s part of his charm, though.

“We’re not together, not really,” Nick explains, “but we’re not… not together. I really like him. We’re just keeping it low-key, for now.”

It feels good to say it out loud. Charlie is adamant that they’re not a couple yet – and they aren’t – but Nick still knows they’re more than platonic friends.

“Okay, I get it. I won’t say a word about it, don’t worry,” Adam promises. Nick has never been more grateful for this wonderful team. “Although, you might want to tell Charlie to take his longing looks down a notch if you don’t want to get caught. He’s not wearing your shirt anymore, but he’s been seeking you out and ignoring his friends the whole time we’ve been on the pitch!”

“His friends…?” Charlie was supposed to be here alone. Nick’s head swivels back towards the stands. He can see Charlie now, but Nick doesn’t have time to wonder why he’s not wearing his shirt anymore, because Charlie’s eyes are wide with panic. Then, Nick’s eyes travel to the left and his breath catches in his throat.

💬💬

In all of his nineteen years of existence, Charlie has never been thrilled to watch a rugby match. Yet, today, he’s making his way to the stands of the Leeds University rugby field with a gigantic grin on his face. He woke up early to study in the library all morning in order to make time for this and he doesn’t regret it one bit. He’s about to see Nick play rugby for the first time and that makes him giddy with joy. Charlie knows it’s a bit silly, but he’s been wanting to go to one of Nick’s matches since they started talking back in June. Their fight prevented him from doing so, but he doesn’t want to miss out on the spectacle now that they’re on good terms.

As promised, Charlie’s wearing Nick’s spare rugby shirt. It’s too big and the sleeves are too long, but Charlie has never felt better in a piece of clothing. Besides, the name proudly displayed on his back acts as a shield in this foreign environment. Charlie feels invincible in his armour. The clean smell of Nick’s washing powder is intoxicating and he can’t stop bringing the fabric in front of his nose every other minute.

Then, like a strike of lightning, a burst of laughter breaks out in the distance. It’s familiar and it’s loud, but it doesn’t belong here. Charlie lifts his head above the sea of people and spots the source of the sound, way closer than he’d like it to be. Tara and Darcy are at the bottom of the stands. Tara and Darcy, who were supposed to be away for the weekend. Tara and Darcy, who were definitely not supposed to see him in Nick’s rugby shirt.

Fuck!! What are they doing here?!

Charlie doesn’t have time to think, he just knows that he has to get rid of any incriminating evidence of his romantic attachment to Nick. He takes off the shirt as fast as he can, hoping with all his might that they haven’t seen the gigantic letters of Nick’s surname on his back before he noticed them.

“Charlie boy! Springy joy!” Darcy shouts nonsensically as she nearly jumps on him two minutes later, throwing her strong arms around his narrow shoulders.

“Darcy! You’re excited!”

“She is. Sorry,” Tara apologises. “I made the mistake of letting her drink a second coffee after lunch…”

“Are you trying out a new hairstyle?” Darcy asks with a lifted eyebrow. “You look like a tornado swept you away!”

Charlie immediately pats his hair self-consciously.

“Darcy!” Tara chides. “You look very handsome, Charlie, don’t mind her!”

“What are you guys doing here? I thought you were away this weekend?” Charlie asks, sounding agitated.

Despite asking the question, Charlie finds himself unable to listen to the answer. He barely registers Tara explaining that her grandpa caught a stomach bug, instead looking for Nick on the pitch. He can’t help it: he’s panicking. He likes the girls a lot, but he wasn’t expecting to have to watch his every move today. He just wanted to gaze lustfully at Nick all afternoon, and not have to worry about what their friends were going to have to say about it.

One moment, Nick has his back turned to him, and the next, he’s completely disappeared. Resigned, Charlie turns back to Darcy and tries to calm down as she shows him the sign she made for Nick. He has to relax. Realistically, Charlie knows that he could still date Nick despite the bet. He knows that Nick would be patient and that they could take it slow. The thing is, no matter what the rational part of his brain tells him, the rest of him doesn’t want to listen. At his core, he’s terrified of dating, especially with the pressure of all of their friends’ eyes on them.

Suddenly, Nick reappears, and to Charlie’s relief, starts striding briskly towards them.

“Hi! What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Kent?”

“We had to reschedule our visit to next week!” Tara explains.

“So we wanted to surprise you!” Darcy enthuses. “Look, I brought a banner!”

Darcy doesn’t wait for an answer to shove a big cardboard in Nick’s face, smiling like the Cheshire cat. Strangely enough, the sign says “LEEDS’ CAPTAIN IS MY (NEL)SON!!”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Nick laughs.

“Rugby doesn’t make any sense either, and yet here I am, supporting you!”

This elicits laughter from the whole group and Tara rolls her eyes affectionately at her girlfriend.

“Thanks, Darce, I appreciate it,” Nick finally says with a fond smile. Charlie feels slightly calmer now that Nick is here but he isn’t totally settled, not yet. He can’t help but admire the way Nick’s thighs fill his (sinfully short) shorts and he’s nearly blinded by the glow of his strawberry blond hair as it catches the sunlight. He looks as if he’s been dropped from the heavens, so divinely good-looking that when Charlie shivers, he doesn’t know if it’s from arousal or from how cold he is after taking off the rugby shirt, despite the two layers he put underneath.

“Here, Charlie, take this,” Nick offers softly. He’s handing him a jumper that Charlie hadn’t noticed in his hand before. Charlie recognises it as the one he was wearing today before the match. It’s also the same one he lent him when Charlie was drunk and slept at Nick’s flat for the first time.

“What?” Charlie asks breathlessly. He has to fight a blush at the sight of the sweatshirt, especially since he just took off another of Nick’s shirts to avoid raising suspicions.

“It’s your jumper,” Nick lies. “I found it in my bag. I think we got our stuff mixed up when we left your flat the other day. You have my second rugby shirt instead of your jumper, don’t you?”

All eyes turn to Charlie’s hand, which is indeed clutching Nick’s second rugby shirt. Charlie lifts his hand and gives the piece of clothing back to Nick hesitantly. What is he doing?

“Aaah, here it is! Thank god I’ve brought two, right?” Nick laughs awkwardly. Charlie has to bite his lips to stop himself from laughing at the ridiculous fib. What a dork! All this, just so I don’t freeze to death. Nick shoots him a playful wink as soon as the girls look away, clearly proud of his little scheme. He’s so adorable that the thought of not being able to kiss his rosy cheeks for a few more hours suddenly feels unbearable to Charlie.

“It’s a shame!” Darcy regrets. “You should all play stark naked, and I’m saying this as an absolute lesbian! I just think it would be more entertaining if you froze your arse off the whole time.”

“I didn’t know you were this sadistic, love.”

“I’m not sadistic, I just happen to enjoy a bit of chaos!”

“I know you do…”

Charlie takes advantage of the fact that the girls are bantering to give Nick a grateful look, before putting the sweatshirt on. It’s way too big on him, but he hopes the girls won’t question it. He feels warmer instantly, but maybe it has to do with the way Nick is staring at him right now, looking him up and down like every inch of Charlie was made by God for Nick to see.

The group keeps on chattering for a bit until one of Nick’s teammates starts calling his name while making big gestures at him.

“Okay. I’ve got to go,” Nick says sheepishly, “but I’ll see you later, yeah?”

His eyes start on the girls, but they linger on Charlie as he finishes his sentence. Once their gazes meet, everything around them disappears. The noise of the crowd reduces to a whisper until all Charlie can hear is the song of his heart, beating for the man in front of him. His ‘goodbyes’ are always hopeful ‘see you later’s’ and one look from him can render Charlie speechless. Charlie’s eyes travel down to Nick’s lips. They are pink, wet and slightly parted, and Charlie has to physically restrain himself from drawing his face towards his to kiss him. For courage, of course.

“Good luck,” Charlie breathes instead, hoping to instil in the tone of his voice as much awe as he feels.

“Thank you, Char,” Nick replies almost reverently, as if Charlie’s words alone have the power to make Leeds’ team win today. As Nick turns his back to his friends and starts his way towards the pitch, Charlie can’t help but think that, despite Nick’s impressive, rugbyman stature, all of him is even softer than the fabric of the jumper he lent him.

💬💬

From what Charlie can tell, Nick’s team is crushing it. Even better, Nick is crushing it. Every time he scores a try, he turns to Charlie and shoots him his signature crooked smile, which makes Charlie so weak in the knees that he has to grip the railing to stay upright. Nick is truly a natural. On the pitch, the players respect him and in the stands, the crowd adores him.

The audience perhaps loves him a little too much for comfort, actually. Charlie had heard rumours about Nick having his own fan club, but he didn’t expect to actually see some groupies today. The girl to his left is swooning under her breath every time Nick scores and her friend is glaring at Darcy’s sign every few minutes. Luckily, Darcy is busy yelling as loud as physically possible and Tara is on the other side of Darcy, so neither of them can hear the girls when they start talking about Nick. They’re too far away to hear anything anyway, or maybe it’s just Charlie’s ears that are attuned to Nick’s name.

“This is your chance, Lucy,” the girl who’s been staring at Darcy’s banner says. “You have to ask him out today. Nick’s been eyeing you for the entire first half!”

“Shut up, no he hasn’t…” Lucy replies shyly, her face blushing furiously at the simple mention of Nick’s name. Charlie can’t blame her, honestly. He turns back towards the field immediately, worried that he’ll get caught eavesdropping on their conversation.

“He has!” The first girl insists. “Why else would he be looking this way the whole time? He clearly wants you!”

“Who are you talking about?” A third voice asks. Charlie takes a peek again. The girl is holding an open book in her hands and her face is wildly uninterested. She’s a perfect mix between his friend Isaac, who would bring a book to a wedding, and his sister Tori, who wouldn’t be caught dead at a rugby match.

“Nick Nelson, the team captain.”

“It doesn’t help, Tracy, you know I know nothing about rugby,” book-girl answers.

“The blonde one who scores all the tries.”

“Ah. Isn’t he the one who’s gay?”

“No, he’s bisexual,” Lucy corrects with a soft voice.

“Oh. Cool.”

“It doesn’t matter, anyway,” Lucy continues. “He would never go out with me. I heard he was super close to some guy in theatre class.”

Charlie’s breath gets stuck in his throat. They’re talking about him. So, there are rumours about Nick and him going around. Is Nick okay with that? What if he wants to date other people before January and the rumours hinder him? Does he resent Charlie for the way he acted at the workshop?

Suddenly, Charlie feels very grateful for Tara and Darcy’s presence. Without them, he’d still be wearing Nick’s shirt, which would have drawn a lot of people’s attention to him. Who does he think he is, claiming Nick’s name like that when they’re not even together? When any of these people could be giving Nick what he’s been refusing him for weeks?

“Well, it’s not called “theatre” class for nothing! He was acting, you ninny! And of course, he would go out with you! Don’t sell yourself short, Luce, you’re gorgeous!” She is, Charlie thinks begrudgingly. Is that Tracy-girl right, though? Was Nick only overplaying how much he liked him in theatre class? Nick has feelings for him, obviously, but does he like him enough to wait for January? “Plus, I know for a fact that he would.”

Charlie’s blood freezes in his veins. His phalanges tighten around the railing.

“What?”

“I’m in his science class. I’ve talked to him.”

“What?! Tracy, what did you say to him?!” Lucy panics.

“I’m surprised you’ve been in class long enough to talk to a classmate, to be honest,” book-girl pipes up.

“Shut it, Julie. I just mentioned a friend of mine…”

“Tracyyy…” Lucy groans, visibly embarrassed.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t mention any name! Anyway. He’s very single and he does like girls, despite what Aidan said.”

“Should have guessed. Aidan is an arsehole,” Julie comments.

“It doesn’t sound like he explicitly said that he would date me, though.”

“I can’t do all the work for you, Luce! You have to ask him. Otherwise, you’ll regret it for the rest of the semester and I’ll be the one suffering your whining about being single forever.”

Charlie tunes out their conversation after that. He’s heard enough.

Is it really true? Has Nick told this girl that he was very single? He would probably be too nice to say yes to a date with her if she asked him in front of Charlie, but would he want to say yes?

Charlie is very hot, all of a sudden. Nick’s sweatshirt feels stuffy and the collar is choking him. Have the strings always been so tight around his neck? Why is he sweating, now? Charlie has to close his eyes and deeply concentrate to be able to breathe semi-normally. A million questions jostle in his mind, like a crowd of suits fighting for a spot on the tube at rush hour.

Is their arrangement enough for Nick? Will he regret agreeing to it? Does he already do? Does he want more, perhaps with someone else? When he’s out with his teammates, is he cursing Charlie for entrapping him into this nonsensical farce, a sham of a relationship caught in between platonic friendship and romantic partnership?

Most importantly, will Nick still want him when January comes?

Even the smell of Nick’s jumper can’t bring him comfort. He spends the rest of the match shaking, hoping to god that Tara and Darcy won’t notice that he’s holding back tears. Leeds wins and he hardly registers it. He goes down on the pitch with the girls and congratulates Sai, Otis and Christian on autopilot. The only moment Charlie’s soul slightly comes back to his body is when Nick tackles him in a hug and makes him twirl in his strong arms, dangling him above the ground for thirty seconds straight. When they finally separate, Charlie’s stunned into silence by the sheer beauty of Nick’s gleeful expression. His freckles are disappearing in the crinkles around his eyes, like grains of sand slipping in a fan. The wet hair sticking to his forehead almost looks black and the smell of his sweat mixed with his usual scent is unbearably attractive. Nick is too good for this world, too good for Charlie, and Charlie has no right to spoil this victory for him.

So, when Nick asks him if he wants to go have celebratory drinks with him and his teammates, Charlie pretends he has to work on an assignment that he actually finished that morning in the library. When Nick offers to meet up later, just the two of them, Charlie has to lower his face so that he doesn’t notice his trembling chin.

Charlie goes home alone and walks to the rhythm of the tears falling on his cheeks.

💬💬

Being alone in his room, perched on his bed and knees drawn up against his chest, doesn’t make Charlie feel any better. In fact, he feels stupid for being here when he could be by Nick’s side right now. The thing is, he knows what is waiting for him at whatever pub the rugby team decided to go to: a gaggle of women chatting Nick up, and perhaps a few men, as well. The first night they met at Tara’s party, it’d taken them fifteen minutes to get out of the kitchen with how many girls wanted to flirt with Nick. Charlie doesn’t think he could stomach to witness that tonight. Nick turns heads wherever he goes, and Charlie is too fucking weird to date him properly, so who knows what could happen? Nick isn’t tied down, after all.

Fucking hell, who is he to even be bitter about this? Nick and him aren’t dating, this is a fact! A fact of his own making, by the way. He decided to wait and Nick didn’t even have a say in it! Charlie only takes and takes and takes and doesn’t give anything in return. He remembers how he agreed to the improv exercise in theatre class without even asking Nick, who’s famously nervous on stage. “Of course, we are comfortable enough to play a couple in front of everyone!” “Of course, Nick Nelson - the best human who has ever lived - will wait patiently for three fucking months just to date Li’l Ol’ Charlie Spring!”

It’s getting harder and harder to breathe through his sobs, but Charlie feels like he deserves the pain. He deserves the burning in his lungs as he spirals into the darkness.

Did Nick take back his rugby shirt because he didn't want Tara and Darcy to see it, or did he take it back because he realised how embarrassing it was for him to have Charlie wearing a shirt with his name on it in front of the entire campus? Is Tobias right, and does Nick only string him along because he feels sorry for him? Nick never did say he loved him, after all.

In his experience, boys only want things until they get them. They only want Charlie until they get him. They like the chase, never the result. He is too weird, too particular, with his fears and his quirks, his difficult days and his bad habits. There’s no way Nick is going to want to be his boyfriend once he’s seen him struggling to eat. There isn’t a single world in which this sun of a man will want to date him if he sees what he’s like on a dark day, unable to hold a proper conversation and to leave bed until six p.m.

Usually, in a situation like this, Charlie would call Elle, or perhaps Tao and Isaac, but he can't because of the stupid bet. This is so frustrating. Why can't he date the boy he loves like a normal person, without six sets of eyes on him or the irrepressible fear of being tossed out the second the word “boyfriend” is uttered? Charlie is furious with himself. The whole point of waiting for January – of not getting together immediately – was for them to avoid going too fast and keep Charlie safe from the heartbreak of hearing Nick say he actually doesn’t want to be his boyfriend. And yet, here he is, freaking out because he’s not Nick’s boyfriend yet. Charlie wants to blame his past relationships and even his friends for this, but he knows this is all him. Him and his stupid brain, trying to self-sabotage.

Acknowledging this gives him part of his power back. If he can identify this line of thinking as irrational, then he can take action to stop it. First, he has to regain control of his body. Charlie goes to unlock his phone to find some breathing exercises on YouTube, but he's stopped in his tracks by the sight of his lock screen.

It’s a selfie that Charlie took with Nick at Woodhouse Moor Park when they had a picnic there the weekend before. They’re sitting on the grass, Nick’s back against a tree and Charlie tucked against Nick’s chest. It’s a picture he sees every day, and yet, he feels like he’s truly seeing it for the first time this evening. Charlie is pulling a face at the camera, but Nick isn’t. His arms are hugging Charlie’s waist tightly and he’s looking at the younger boy from above Charlie’s shoulder. His expression shines with reverence, brighter than the sun, featured on the opposite side of the frame. He looks awed, as if standing in front of life itself. There’s no way around it: Nick Nelson looks deeply in love in this photograph, and this expression bloomed on his face while he was watching Charlie Spring.

Charlie chose this as his lock screen at Nick’s insistence, but he never appreciated its true value before. He’s always preferred the other pictures he’s taken that day, mainly the ones featuring Nick on his own. Charlie has been focused on himself, too busy hating his face to really take in how breathtakingly perfect Nick looked in this one.

“I think your face is adorable, actually,” Nick said when Charlie complained about how silly he looked. “You look really happy, don’t you think?”

And happy, he was.

Happy, he is, even if it’s hard to remember in the occasional moments of panic.

It clicks in his head, then. Charlie remembers how pouty Nick was about not being able to set it as his lock screen as well (“You hang out with the girls all the time, they’ll see it, Nick!”). He thinks back to all the times he used Charlie’s phone to check the time when he could have been using his, just to look at the picture. Charlie remembers the words Nick used to defend him from Tobias’ attack; he remembers how he joked about getting married to Charlie and the weight his words carried when he told him he loved him… “as his best friend”. With every memory, Charlie’s breathing slows down. He feels himself coming back to his body and the tears subside.

There’s nothing to fear. Nick cares about him. Truly and completely. Charlie’s biggest enemy is himself.

Charlie starts as his phone pings with a new message and he almost throws the device in the air.

Nick (18:04)

I went back to the flat, after all. Didn’t feel like drinking more than a pint without you there. Who knew that winning a rugby match would be so exhausting! 😆

Feel free to come over later tonight if you finish your essay early 💙 We could finish the film you fell asleep to the other day? xx

The relief is so intense that Charlie nearly bursts into tears again. This spiral was the product of his anxious brain, not of some concrete evidence that Nick will abandon him. Nick is a good man. He likes Charlie and, most importantly, he can be trusted. He would hate for Charlie to get in such a state, actually, and Charlie knows it. So, he has to be brave. He knows what will quieten his doubts and make everything better. He knows what he needs to do.

💬💬

Nick answers on the second ring.

“Char? Are you done with your essay already? I knew you were fast, but this is next level! How long have you been home? An hour and fifteen minutes?” Nick’s voice is bright and unburdened, and Charlie hates himself for casting a cloud over his evening with his neuroses.

“Hum…” Charlie hesitates. How can he say this? He thought that the hardest part would be to press call on Nick’s contact, but the words are extremely hard to force out as well.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’m just in awe!” Nick continues with a chuckle. He’s so joyful and carefree, how can Charlie inflict his doubts on him? The younger boy stays silent for a little while. “Charlie?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.”

“Are you… okay?” Nick’s tone is hesitant now, and Charlie loathes the change.

“Yeah!” Charlie forces out. “Yeah, I am. It’s just… The essay was an excuse.”

There it is.

“An excuse? What for?”

“It was an excuse to go home alone, but now, I don’t think that it was a very good idea,” Charlie explains, trying his best to talk steadily through the lump in his throat. “Sorry,” he adds automatically after a few seconds.

“Oh,” Nick breathes out. It’s a small, sad sound, like the pressing of a minor key. There’s a long pause, then, during which Charlie thinks he can hear a sniff on the other side of the line. His own heart is thumping in his chest. He knows he ought to explain himself, but the words are out of his reach, like the stars or the good jar of marmalade that was placed on top of the cabinets when he was a kid. When Nick speaks again, his voice is tighter than a clothesline, as if he is aware that everything might come tumbling down if he doesn’t control it. “Don’t apologise,” he says somberly. “I am the one who should be sorry. You shouldn’t have to come up with an excuse to get away from me. Fuck, I should stop suggesting spending all our time together, shouldn’t I?” The bitter laugh he lets out then cuts deeper than a razor blade. “I’m really sorry I’ve been so clingy, Char…”

“Nick! No!” Charlie rushes out. Fuck, he’s messing it all up! “No, this isn’t what I was getting at, not at all! You’re not clingy. I mean, you are, but I kind of love it… This is one of my favourite things about you, actually,” he confesses quietly, his admission coming with a shy laugh.

“...Is it?” Nick doesn’t sound convinced. Charlie wishes he could go back to five minutes earlier. He would never have phrased things so ominously if he’d known how insecure Nick felt about this particular topic. He has to be clear, now, however self-conscious he might feel about needing help calming down.

“Yes! Something happened during the match and it was nothing, really, but it started bothering me and… Yeah. I mean, you’re probably going to think that it’s so stupid, anyway, but I still wanted to ask if I could come over to your flat and talk to you about it instead of freaking out here alone?” Charlie gets it out all in one breath, scared that he will lose his momentum if he stops to breathe.

“Oh, Char…” Nick exhales in an achingly soft whisper. “Of course, you can. Please, do. I’m so glad you called.” Charlie feels himself welling up again. He’s not used to so much candour. People are never this kind, or this patient with him. What did he do to deserve such a wonderful friend? He curses himself for having doubted Nick when just a phone call with him manages to make him feel ten times better, already.

“I’m sure I won’t think it’s stupid, by the way,” Nick goes on. “I’m in my bedroom right now. Feel free to come whenever. I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Thank you, Nick,” Charlie says with a shaky voice. “I… Thank you. I should be there in twenty minutes, then.” Charlie closes his eyes and listens to Nick’s breathing for a while. The rhythm of the other boy’s exhalations slows down his own heartbeat.

He’s about to hang up when Nick talks again.

“Charlie?” He murmurs.

“Yeah?”

“You promise I haven’t done anything wrong?” His voice is timid and Charlie wants to kiss the doubt out of him.

“I promise, love. I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise. You’re doing everything right. I’m the one who keeps doing things wrong, but I’m trying to do better. Remember the promise we made? This is me trying to do better.”

💬💬

“Hi…” As soon as Nick opens the door, Charlie ploughs into his arms, uncaring of the audience they might have. “Oh,” Nick breathes, forced to take a step back with the force of Charlie’s attack. The younger boy nuzzles in Nick’s neck and feels himself welling up again at the familiar mix of soap and cinnamon he finds there.

“I’m a complete twit,” Charlie mumbles against Nick’s skin. The latter chuckles a bit and Charlie can feel his chest rumbling against his cheek. If he was in his right mind, perhaps he would appreciate how magnificent it is to experience the product of Nick’s mirth with his own body, but alas, he isn’t.

“I’ll refrain from making any comment about that… Let’s go to my room and talk, okay?” Nick sweetly offers after noticing that Sai’s on the couch and turning his head desperately to try to see who’s at the door.

Nick’s bedroom feels safe to Charlie, for some reason. He’s never cried or spiralled here, even if he got close on their first morning together. In fact, he’s been vulnerable in Nick’s sheets, more than once, and that gives Charlie just enough confidence to prevent him from running away.

Nick sits on the bed first. Charlie doesn’t dare to follow suit, so he remains standing in front of him, straighter than he’s ever been. Too many questions are clouding his mind. Is he too high-maintenance? Is he being annoying by requesting a talk when they could spend the night watching a film in silence? Charlie crosses his arms and traps his hands under his biceps to stop himself from fidgeting. He can feel Nick’s eyes on him, but he can’t bring himself to look at him just yet.

“Do you…” Charlie’s voice comes out strangled and he has to stop to clear his throat. “Do you think you could hold me like you did the other day? I’m not sure I’ll be able to get it out if I can see your face,” he finally murmurs.

Nick seems to immediately know what he is talking about. He shoots him a small, reassuring smile, sits up against the headboard of his bed and spreads his legs open to leave room for Charlie.

“Come here…” Nick says softly. He stretches his hand out towards Charlie invitingly. His eyes are kind and his gaze is warm, like always. In a life of aridity, Nick feels like an oasis.

Charlie lets out a shaky exhale and places his hand in Nick’s as he climbs on the bed. Then, he sits down between his legs and rests his back against his chest. Nick’s arms immediately wrap around Charlie’s waist, like ivy on an ancient tombstone. One hand goes to Charlie’s stomach, while the other rests above his heart. Finally, Nick’s nose finds the crook of Charlie’s right shoulder and he takes a deep breath there, as if he enjoys smelling Charlie as much as he likes smelling Nick.

In less time than it takes to say it, Charlie feels himself slackening, deflating in Nick’s arms until he’s nothing but malleable clay in his capable hands. Now that the adrenaline is wearing off, Charlie feels exhausted. His heart doesn’t beat particularly fast anymore, but it’s still thumping painfully hard. Nick must feel it under his palm, because his thumb starts tracing soothing circles almost immediately.

“I’m such a disaster,” Charlie whispers with his eyes closed and his face hung low. “I’m so sorry for making such a big deal out of something so insignificant.”

“Don’t apologise, sweetness,” Nick murmurs. Charlie positively melts at the pet name. “I’m not going anywhere,” Nick goes on with a kiss on the crook of Charlie’s neck. “I want to hear what’s on your mind. Always. Even if this is about something I did…”

“It isn’t!” Charlie rushes to correct.

“Maybe not tonight, but you know, it could happen. And it would be okay. I always want to listen, alright?”

“Fuck, how are you so good at this?” Charlie sighs.

“I like you a stupid amount. It makes everything easy,” Nick hums as he hooks his chin on Charlie’s shoulder.

The younger boy can’t fight a smile from appearing on his face. How could he ever have doubted sweet, wonderful Nick, who’s so attentive and who likes him so openly? Like a nightmare in the light of day, his doubts seem particularly laughable now that Nick is holding him against his heart. “I feel so stupid, now.” Nick doesn’t say anything in response. He stays true to his word and just listens. “I heard some things at the match and I got in my head about it. I got scared,” Charlie finally admits.

When he realises he’s done talking for now, Nick asks him: “What did you hear?” His voice is calm, perhaps even empathetic, like Charlie isn’t being absolutely ridiculous.

“I was standing next to a group of girls and they were talking about you.”

“Oh. What were they saying?”

“They were trying to convince one of them to ask you out after the game,” Charlie says bashfully. “The girl who liked you didn’t seem to think she had a chance, but her friend, who’s in your science class, said she did based on a conversation you had with her.”

“What? But I always pair up with Sahar in science, and I hardly ever talk to anyone else…”

“I’m not sure she had a very deep conversation with you, to be honest, the only thing she got from it is that you’re bi and single.”

“Ooooh… No, you’re right, I remember now!” Nick exclaims. “It was last Tuesday, I think? That girl Tracy asked if I was gay, and I said no, even if it wasn’t any of her business, really. Then, she asked if Sahar and I were together, and Sahar made fun of me for being single, since she knows we’ve made up but we’re not together yet. Tracy did mention a friend, now that I think of it. I forgot about it pretty much the next minute, though.”

Charlie’s trying very hard not to feel petty about it, but the thought of Nick going on a date with another person makes his stomach churn. He puts his hands on Nick’s and squeezes them, as a reminder that Nick is cuddling with him right now and not with the friend of some random girl in his science class, but he keeps his mouth shut. He doesn’t know what to think, let alone what to say. He isn’t upset at Nick at all. Why would he be? His discomfort is due to a hypothetical situation. He’s just afraid. The perspective of people out there actively trying to get with Nick while he’s purposely making them wait is terrifying. If only he knew how to talk about it without passing for a hypocritical, possessive arsehole…

“Is that… Is that what’s been bothering you?” Nick asks hesitantly. Thankfully, he doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s a completely irrational thing to panic about, but Charlie is still nervous. “No one asked me out today, I swear! And even if someone did, I wouldn’t have said yes. You know that, right?” Nick ends up asking, faltering a little.

“I… I don’t know. I mean, I suppose I know you wouldn’t have said ‘yes’ without telling me about it, but it made me think, I guess. I know we’re not together yet. But… But…”

Charlie’s getting short of breath again. What if Nick says he’s asking way too much of him, just like Ben did when he asked him if they were boyfriends? Charlie’s not even asking him for exclusivity, he just wants to know his stance on it. He just wants to honour their promise, for fuck’s sake, and to be honest about his feelings! Is that a mistake? Will Nick run for the hills now that he knows how crazy Charlie can get?

“Breathe, my love. It’s okay,” Nick’s tender voice casts away the shadows and brings him back to the shore, eventually. Nick kisses the sensitive spot underneath Charlie’s ear for every deep breath that he manages to take and soon enough, Charlie’s breathing has come back to normal. “You can tell me, sweets,” Nick murmurs encouragingly after a minute.

“I don’t want to see anyone else in the meantime.” Nick squeezes his hands after Charlie says this, but the younger boy tries not to read into it, yet. “And if you did want to see other people before then, well… I guess I would want to know. I’m not forbidding you or anything, that would be insane, and totally unfair – you’re not my boyfriend for fuck’s sake – but fuck, the thought of you with other people…” Charlie interrupts himself. “Sorry. Sorry, I know I have no right to say that… Sorry.”

“Charlie,” Nick interjects firmly but not unkindly. “You’re allowed to express what you want. Or, in this case, what you don’t want. Perhaps we won’t always agree, but I always want to know what you think. Now, with that said, we’re on the same page on this. You going out with Tobias made me nauseous and I didn’t even know you had feelings for me at the time. It would be hypocritical of me to throw the first stone when the thought of you with another guy makes me sick to my stomach…” Nick takes a deep breath, and the air Charlie feels against his neck makes the hair of his forearms stand on end. “I don’t want to see other people, either. I just want you, for as long as you’ll have me.”

The relief is so crushing that it forces new tears out of Charlie’s eyes. It seems too good to be true, though, and doubt is hard to shake off. “I’m just worried you’ll change your mind. What if someone asks you out and you realise you don’t want to wait months for me anymore? It would be understandable, it’s not like you’re lacking offers, and who am I to make you wait weeks for me?!” Charlie wipes away his tears angrily. “I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, I promise I’m not, but I’m trying to be more honest about what I feel.”

Charlie didn’t think it was possible with how close they already were, but Nick’s arms tighten around him. Then, his fingers tap his stomach and his heart in a very familiar rhythm. Three very deliberate thumps, along with three kisses on the top of Charlie’s spine.

“And I’m so thankful that you’re brave enough to do so,” Nick breathes, his voice sounding suspiciously raspy. “Fuck… How do you not realise how brave, and precious, and astounding you are? Not only would I wait weeks for you, Char, I would wait years. You’re everything to me, do you understand? I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. I won’t change my mind, I promise.”

A sob escapes Charlie then, overwhelmed by Nick’s heartfelt answer. Even in his wildest dreams, Nick wouldn’t have reacted so favourably. Paradoxically, Charlie now feels like he can’t go on without seeing Nick’s face, so he gets out of his arms and climbs on his lap. He cups Nick’s face and stares at his gorgeous complexion, all rosy cheeks and tawny hair, more breathtaking than the first blossoms of the season. The tears that pool in his amber eyes remind Charlie of the morning dew that sticks to the trunk of the trees in his parents’ yard. He suddenly feels so at home that he has to bite his lip so he doesn’t blurt out the declaration of love that’s brewing in his chest. A crushing hug will have to do for now.

“I won’t either,” Charlie cries on Nick’s shoulder. “You’re my favourite person, Nick.”

Nick holds him as he calms down, humming a French song under his breath. Charlie can’t properly hear it, but it works all the same. A few of Nick’s own sniffs interrupt it at first, but they stop quickly once Charlie settles down against his neck. His body has a tendency to shake slightly when he comes down from a big spiral, but Nick’s embrace turns out to be a very effective way to put a stop to it.

“So… If I understand correctly,” Nick starts after a while, his fingers tracing shapes on Charlie's back, “we both really like each other and we both hate the idea of the other seeing other people, even though we agreed we should wait until the first of January to be in a proper relationship. Is that right?”

“It sounds ridiculous, but yes, it is,” Charlie chuckles wetly.

“That’s because we’re ridiculous. Anyway. There’s a simple solution to this.”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s promise each other to stay off the market until we can officially be together. And, if we change our mind - which I won't -”

“I won't either!”

Nick laughs at Charlie’s urgency. “…If we change our mind, then let’s promise to bring it up, and take things from there. Are you okay with that?”

“I’m more than okay with that,” Charlie says as he moves back to look into his eyes. “I promise, Nick.”

“I promise, too. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were upset when you left earlier.”

“That’s okay, it’s not your fault. I’m a little too good at hiding it when I feel upset.”

Nick shoots him a rueful smile, before taking his left hand and placing two closed-eyed kisses on the back of it.

“I hate that I’m making you wait,” Charlie rasps. “I hate it. But I don’t feel ready to be in a relationship, and I really, really don’t want to mess this up…”

“You’re not making me wait, Char,” Nick promises. There’s a silver of vulnerability in his features, a gleam of insecurity that wasn’t there all the other times they’d discussed their relationship. “I know that until now, I’ve made it seem like I was just okay with it, and maybe that was just me trying to convince myself, but… I want to wait, too. I’m 100% sure of my feelings for you, it’s not that, but… Yeah.”

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?” For some reason, Charlie doesn’t feel the sting he expected at the knowledge that Nick isn’t ready, either. The opposite, actually. He feels lighter now that he knows he isn’t forcing Nick to wait.

“Erm. Not - Not yet,” Nick stammers. An adorable blush travels from his neck to his cheeks and the tip of his ears. Charlie wants to trace it with his lips. “I can’t, I think. I’m still not sure of… Erm, yeah. But I will, at some point. I promise.”

“Okay,” Charlie says gently. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for calling me and telling me about this, Char. I know it can’t have been easy with how your previous boyfriends have treated you, but I’m so glad we got a chance to talk about it…”

“Thank you for listening. It was scary, but you made it easier. I couldn’t have done it with anyone else. Hell, I don’t think I could have done it with you just two weeks ago,” Charlie chuckles softly.

Nick tilts his head to the right and looks at Charlie with so much affection that the younger boy has to look away for a second just to be able to breathe normally.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart…” Nick murmurs. The golden specks in his eyes dance happily, like dandelions’ seeds floating in the summer’s air.

“First ‘sweetness,’ then ‘sweets’, now ‘sweetheart’...” Charlie teases, mainly to distract Nick from his flaming cheeks.

“Is that… Is that okay that I called you that?” Nick lets out a nervous laugh. “I do it unconsciously, most of the times…”

“I love it. I love…” Charlie sucks in a sharp breath as he catches himself just in time. He almost said it and Nick knows exactly what he was about to say. Charlie can see it in his eyes, and in the way his nose scrunches up as he holds back his tears. Charlie wants to save it for a time when they’ll be able to kiss, though, so he uses a term that he knows will distract Nick from his slip-up. “I love it, baby.”

“Oh my god…” Nick whimpers disbelievingly, before covering his flaming face and letting himself fall against his pillows. “I swear to god, you’re trying to kill me…”

The giggles that Charlie produces in response are so loud that Sai can hear them from the living room. The young man smiles to himself, pleased with the knowledge that Charlie now feels better than when he came in. These idiots might not be dating yet, but they truly do make each other happy.

Chapter Text

Deep inside, Nick knows that they shouldn’t be doing this. They agreed to wait. He should honour his promise and put a stop to it, but Charlie’s touch makes his head spin with desire. He’s spiralling into insanity, dizzy with every caress of Charlie’s fingers. His mind is propelled higher than his body, lost in the throes of a galaxy he does not yet know the secrets of. Charlie’s skin feels cold against his own, like a cooling ointment on a burning wound. In fact, Nick is aching with hunger and everything in him is throbbing, desperate for the pale-chested deity above him to swallow him whole.

Nick dreams of ubiquity. How he wishes he could touch Charlie’s entire body at the same time, cover his whole frame, his world, the sky… His roaming hands look satisfactorily big where they rest on Charlie’s hips, but they don’t cover nearly enough surface for Nick’s taste. He wants them everywhere at once. He is starving and only the sensation of his lover can sate his appetite. Charlie’s curls are wild in Nick’s grip, and the way his head tilts back easily as he tugs on them makes Nick groan against his neck. He kisses his throat ferociously and bites a bit harder with each of Charlie’s whimpers. Then, the younger boy pushes his pelvis against Nick in response to his ministrations, and they simultaneously sigh a moan in the cavity of each other’s mouth.

Suddenly, their lips clash hungrily and it’s the best moment of Nick’s entire life. It’s like they’re screaming their love inside each other, panting heavily, exchanging parts of themselves to become one. It’s wet, it’s passionate, and there is no inch of Nick’s body that isn’t covered in goosebumps. Charlie doesn’t stop kissing him as he pulls Nick’s shirt over his head, grazing his sides as his hands travel up his torso. A wicked smile blooms on Charlie’s face as he drinks in Nick’s naked chest. Coupled with his wrecked hair and his rosy cheeks, Charlie is the perfect picture of depravity. Nick could die from the view and be thankful for it. Charlie isn’t done with him, though. His blue eyes are almost black, glazed over with lust as his hands start exploring the route of Nick’s freckles. They’re scattered unevenly, but Charlie pays attention to every part of his chest with equal fervour.

When he’s done fondling, he takes Nick’s right nipple between his digits and rolls the nub between his thumb and his index finger. Nick’s breathing is getting more and more laboured with each passing second, and he can’t hold back an obscene whine when Charlie lowers his head to suck on his other bud. Nick is so hard in his boxer briefs that it’s almost painful. Charlie takes his right hand in his, intertwines their fingers and hums happily as he leaves a trail of wet kisses from Nick’s pecs to his abs. When he gets there, he looks up from under his eyelashes with hooded eyes and Nick very nearly comes on the spot. He’s overcome with emotion as their eyes meet, and can’t resist tucking one of Charlie’s ebony curls behind his ear. Charlie’s smile is almost shy in response.

“Ready, baby?” He murmurs in a velvety voice.

Surprisingly, Nick isn’t afraid as he nods yes. Charlie places one last kiss on his stomach, before progressing down, down, down. Nick leans back on the pillows, closes his eyes, and lets himself feel. Though, when Charlie takes him in his hand and his mouth ghosts over the very obvious bulge in his pants, Nick’s eyes fly back open instantly. He has to see this. He has to see Charlie as he works him towards ecstasy. The ever-growing pressure is making him light-headed as his stomach tightens deliciously; it’s both everything he’s ever wanted and nothing he’s ever imagined; it’s fucking heaven on earth to be touched by the boy he loves; he can feel himself getting there, and oh god he’s going to -

Nick wakes up with a gasp. He’s panting and sweating as he sits up, the remnants of his dream clinging to his skin like the last traces of sunscreen after a day at the beach.

What the fuck was that?!

Nick knows of wet dreams, but he never had one, before. He doesn't know how, or why, but he doesn’t get them. It’s again one of these things that differentiates him from the rest of his mates and he could almost cry at the thought that this finally makes him just like everyone else. Does this mean he’s normal, now?

His trembling hands suggest otherwise. Nick is shakily running his fingers through his hair when he notices his phone in the sheets, right next to his thigh. He fell asleep with Charlie’s voice in his ear last night, which can probably explain the nature of his dream. Nick always finds Charlie extremely attractive, but the way his voice gets low and scratchy as the night goes on is particularly enticing to him. The memory of how Charlie sounded last night brings Nick back to the present and to the very real situation that needs tending between his legs.

“Oh, god…” he groans, inexplicably embarrassed, before letting himself fall back against the cushions.

Despite not dreaming of sex, ever, Nick has woken up with an erection many times before. He’s only human. The confusing thing is, his flustered state has never been related to a person. It was always a natural, physical reaction that could be ignored until he got under the shower spray. This isn’t the case this morning. The ache is almost painful and only gets worse when Nick realises that not only is he wearing the jumper that he lent to Charlie at the rugby match, he’s also in the boxers that Charlie wore the first time he slept here. He’s washed them since then, of course he did, but the knowledge that the fabric has touched Charlie drives him absolutely crazy.

Nick closes his eyes and gives up control. His senses are aflame and his skin prickles in anticipation. He brings the hood of the sweatshirt to his nose and buries his entire face in it, inhaling the familiar scent of Charlie’s coconut shampoo as he starts touching himself. Added to the pressure of his hand, the smell is so overwhelming that Nick has to bite back a guttural moan. He’s never had any problem being quiet, but this proves to be a challenge as he remembers the way Charlie’s full lips closed around each syllable of Shakespeare’s lines, his mouth right against his ear, so close that he could feel his breath against the skin of his neck. Nick thinks back to Queer Intentions’ rehearsal. Charlie drummed so furiously that, by the end of it, his curls were sticking to his forehead and his collarbone was shiny with sweat. Nick pictures himself licking the strip of salted perspiration right off his skin, as well as Charlie’s strong, skilled hand around him instead of his own. He can’t hold back a whimper, then. This is the first time he’s imagining someone touching him as he’s pleasuring himself, and it feels revolutionary.

It feels so good to envision the way Nick would kiss every inch of Charlie’s body if he was allowed to. It’s not often he indulges in these kind of thoughts about Charlie, but it feels too divine to stop now. Nick’s cheeks are burning, but he doesn’t feel any shame as he imagines Charlie riding him. He isn’t scared when he thinks about Charlie’s lips around his tip, or the way the boy would yank on Nick’s hair to kiss him if he was taking him apart from behind. For once in his life, these thoughts aren’t terrifying to Nick. They’re just there, and he’s allowed to have them.

It takes these thoughts less than five minutes to push Nick over the edge.

The anxiety kicks in once he’s cleaned up and back in bed with new boxers. Nick’s always had weird feelings about sex, but this is a new kind of weird. Usually, he feels strange about his lack of sexual drive, but what happened this morning − the overpowering lust, the fantasies, the complete loss of control over his own thoughts − this is all new to him, and he isn’t sure how he feels about it.

When he unlocks his phone and finds out that Charlie sent him a selfie after hanging up the night before, his chest naked and his curls ruffled, Nick feels himself twitch in his pants again, and he immediately turns crimson.

“Fucking hell…” Nick groans frustratedly, pressing his palms against his face in hopes of cooling it down.

There’s no way he’s going in for round two, so he gets up and prepares for the gym instead. After all, lifting weight is an excellent way to wind down.

💬💬

Nick doesn’t know what pushes him to text Charlie a photo of him working out. Perhaps it’s the desire to appear like a regular young man, who doesn’t feel weird or scared about flirting suggestively with his (non-)boyfriend. Perhaps he just wants to get Charlie worked up, like he did to him this morning (although Nick suspects that Charlie’s photo wasn’t even meant to turn him on, which only makes him feel worse about it).

In any case, Nick figures that a good shot of his arms can’t hurt.

Nick (9:31)

Good morning, sweetheart 😘

Charlie (9:37)

omg nick

you can’t do that, i’m in class!!

Nick (9:38)

This is payback for the photo you sent last night 😏❤️

Charlie (9:41)

i’m dead

killed by the gods for my impure thoughts 😵💀

don’t resuscitate me, it was worth it 🥵🫠

Nick giggles like a schoolgirl at Charlie’s dramatic response, uncaring of the other patrons of the gym.

Nick (9:41)

🤭🤭🥰

Charlie (9:42)

wait

you liked the pic I sent you? Like *that*??

Nick (9:44)

Of course, I did, what do you think 😭

Don’t pretend like you didn’t do it on purpose!!

Charlie (9:45)

jeiofjzoiefjef

i truly didn’t!! 😳🤭

you, on the other hand…

you’re a monster for tempting me like that 😫

Nick (9:47)

Not the lascivious monster allegations again 🤣🤣

Charlie (9:49)

you deserve them!!

Nick (9:50)

T - 25 days, sweets 😘

Nick loves Charlie so much. When they’re bantering like this, it’s easy to forget that he’s playing a part. He doesn’t think about the fact that he's impersonating someone who’s lived with sexual desires all his life, and who is comfortable with them as a result. He becomes someone else entirely, who doesn’t get embarrassed or panicked when he gets turned on. In these texts, Nick’s just a normal guy. One that Charlie would want to date. And who could blame him for letting himself believe, just for a moment?

💬💬

On his way back to the flat, Nick feels like he’s watching himself from above. It hasn’t happened to him in months, but he slips back into it easily. He’s spent so long trying to repress the voices at the back of his head that they feel deafening now that they’re unleashed. More than ever, it feels vital to ignore them. If he pays the tiniest bit of attention to them, he fears that they will take up his entire mind.

Nick makes the conscious decision of turning his thoughts to Charlie, and to how wonderful he is.

Since they agreed to be exclusive, Nick and Charlie have spent the majority of their time together. They’re more comfortable than ever in each other’s company and Nick couldn’t be more grateful for Charlie’s courage, which lead them to confirm how important they are to each other. Since Nick’s rugby match, they’ve multiplied their “meetings” at one of their flats and study-dates at the library. Charlie’s even invited Nick to properly meet his friends Tao, Elle and Isaac, when they’re visiting him this weekend.

Nick isn’t sure what he and Charlie are. They’re not boyfriends, as they’ve chosen to abstain from using that word, but they’re certainly not the platonic friends that they claim to be either. There isn’t a world in which Nick would behave with Sai the way he’s acting with Charlie on a daily basis. Nick doesn’t mind it, though. Their new normal is heavenly. He’s never been this happy before and he tries to focus on that. The sword of Damocles that’s hanging above his head can’t hurt him if he doesn’t acknowledge it. Right?

Nick manages to maintain this illusion of bliss until he comes back to his flat. Sai is lounging in the living room and Christian can be heard singing in his bedroom, but Otis − the most studious out of all of them − must be in class or at the library, because he’s nowhere to be seen.

Nick’s already showered at the gym and his first class of the morning doesn’t start before a good hour, so he sits down next to Sai on the ratty couch. They chat about the last national rugby team’s game for a while and Nick almost forgets about the turmoil of this morning.

“So…” Sai starts hesitantly when there’s a lull in the conversation. “I know you and Charlie aren’t dating because he’s not ready, but you do seem pretty coupley to me…”

“Sai, don’t start…” Nick sighs. Charlie might be his favourite topic of discussion, but he’d rather be talking about something else right now. The most annoying thing is he can’t even prod about Sai’s love life, because he’s been dating the same girl for three years now.

“I just meant to ask… Is that really the only reason you’re not dating yet? Like, if Charlie was ready and the decision fell completely upon you, would you be his boyfriend right now?”

The question makes Nick squirm in his seat. He could really do without Sai being so perceptive. Discomfort swells in his stomach, like the tree he imagined growing in his belly when he swallowed apple seeds as a kid. “What are you asking?”

“I’m not implying anything, really, I just…” Sai fiddles with his phone, as if he isn’t sure how to formulate things. “I’ve never seen you date anyone and it's not like you’re lacking offers,” is what he finally settles on. “Even Christian went on some dates last year, and everyone knows he’s the clumsiest flirt in the world.”

“Oi, mate, I heard that!!” Christian yells from his room.

Under normal circumstances, this would probably make Nick chuckle, but the fact that Christian is listening to their conversation only adds to the uneasiness he already feels. Must they really talk about this further? He thought he’d been clear.

“What are you trying to say, Sai?” Nick asks defensively, unable to keep the panic out of his voice. Sai’s onto him. What does he know? How can he know? “You think I’m afraid to date Charlie because I haven't fucked my way across campus, is that it?” He blurts angrily. Sai exchanges a shocked look with Christian, who just came out of his room. Fuck, what is Nick doing? “Sorry. It’s just…” Nick closes his eyes and rubs his face sheepishly. “It’s always been Charlie, I guess.”

“And there's nothing wrong with that, mate,” Sai answers, his face filled with worry. “I’m sorry for pushing.”

Unfortunately, Christian doesn’t share his tactful nature.

“Sai’s raising a really good question, though,” he remarks, a little too light-heartedly given how Nick just reacted to Sai’s interrogatory. “What are you hiding, Nick? I mean, I get having a crush, but you’re telling me you haven't been attracted to anyone for your whole first year? How did you even survive going an entire year without -”

“Leave it, Christian,” Sai interrupts firmly, “we’ve teased him enough as it is.”

The discomfort that Sai − or perhaps his dream − planted in Nick’s stomach only grows in size with every passing hour. In addition to that sick feeling, Christian’s questions ring in Nick’s mind for the rest of the morning. He’s found plenty of people pretty, boys and girls, so, sure, he’s wanted to stare at them; but bringing them home? Touching them the way he touched Charlie in his dream? This has never happened with anybody else before.

Nick tries to shut up the train of thoughts before it can take up most of his mind, but it doesn’t work. Why is something that’s so natural to him so strange to someone like Christian? Is he really hiding something if he doesn’t have the words to point out the differences he clearly notices between him and what seems to be the rest of the world? Besides, why should he be the one explaining himself in the first place?

He doesn’t want to admit it, but maybe what he said about being afraid to date Charlie because he hasn't fucked his way across campus held some truth. He doesn’t have any sexual experience and, worst of all, he hasn’t wanted any experience, until now.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Nick wishes he was more like his friends. If his dream is any indication, Nick does want to have sex with Charlie, but will he ever be able to? Even with him, Nick doesn’t feel ready. He knows he’s not sixteen anymore, but it all still feels so new! In all honesty, the no-sex rule has been a life-saver. Even if he found himself close to breaking it a few times (one morning, they were spooning in bed and Nick felt the bulge of Charlie’s erection against his arse. Nick had to leave the room to avoid doing something he might regret later), it doesn’t mean that he won’t panic when the moment comes.

For all these reasons and despite his overwhelming love for Charlie, Nick fears what might happen in January.

💬💬

The next day, Nick feels a bit better. After a good night's sleep and an hour-long cuddling session with Charlie, his mind is settled in a way that didn’t feel possible twenty-four hours earlier. In fact, he would feel completely peaceful if it wasn’t for Charlie’s friends' impending arrival. To everyone’s surprise − including his own − Nick is extremely nervous about spending the night with Tao, Elle and Isaac. He’s briefly met the former two, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since then. There’s no way they haven’t heard about the fight, and a part of him fears that they haven’t forgiven him for hurting Charlie, even if he rationally knows that they wouldn’t bet on them getting together if they didn’t approve of him at least a little bit.

They’re on the sofa and Nick is draped around Charlie like a proper drama queen, his arms loosely wrapped around his waist and his head resting on his shoulder. He feels soothed by the way Charlie’s fingers rake through his copper strands, but he will probably look like he just got out of bed by the time Tao, Elle and Isaac arrive. Nick wonders if he should have had that second herbal tea. It seemed like a good solution to ease his nerves at the time, but now he’s not so sure. He’s still as anxious as before, and now he’ll have to take several trips to the bathroom throughout the evening. Surely, that won’t look suspicious at all! Nick groans against Charlie’s neck.

“It’s going to be fine,” Charlie chuckles. “You’ve already met them, remember!”

“Briefly! And Isaac wasn’t there.”

The only things Nick knows about Isaac is that he’s quiet but witty, and that he prefers the company of books to that of humans most of the time. What will they talk about when Nick can’t even remember the name of the last book he read for fun?

His response makes Charlie giggle, for some reason. “You have nothing to worry about. Isaac might be the least intimidating person in the whole world.”

“Still. He’s your friend. I want the three of them to like me,” Nick pouts petulantly, which earns him a soft kiss on the forehead. Knots of stress make way for butterflies and Nick instantly feels better. God, he’s ridiculous!

‘They will, Nick,” Charlie answers assuredly, before dislodging his head from his shoulder and taking his face between his palms. “How could they not?”

The adoring look he finds in Charlie’s eyes takes his breath away. Nick instinctively nuzzles against Charlie’s hand and, suddenly, he’s struck with the memory of the first time he saw such a remarkable shade of blue. When he was a kid, his family used to spend the summer holidays in France. Out on a market one day, six-year-old Nick fell in love with a bracelet made of dumortierite pearls. For a reason he couldn't explain, the blue-grey colour called his attention. He threw a tantrum until his dad agreed to buy the damn thing, even if the latter didn’t understand why his son wanted “such a girly trinket”.

For the whole first week, Nick couldn’t wrench his eyes away from the stones hanging loosely around his tiny wrist. He admired the way they shone under the sun of southern France and proudly stuck his arm in the face of every person who was willing to see. This went on for a few years. Whenever he was feeling anxious, he rolled the pearls between his fingers, as if the bracelet was his very own rosary. However, as he grew up, David’s mocking remarks multiplied, and Nick started to wear the bracelet less and less in his brother’s presence. By the time he got into Truham, he’d completely abandoned it. The piece of jewellery that used to be his favourite possession was now well and truly forgotten, hidden away in some drawer.

Now it all makes sense, why he was so obsessed with these stones. It was the universe, telling him to wait for the ‘one’. The boy with the dumortierite eyes.

💬💬

“Charlie!!!!!” Elle squeals the second Charlie opens the door.

“Oof!”

She nearly topples Charlie over with the force of her hug. Nick can’t contain his smile at the obvious happiness on the boy’s face. Behind her, still standing on the doorstep, are two boys. One is tall and lanky, with the unimpressed expression of a moody judge on a talent contest show. The other is shorter, his eyes glint with mischief, and his arms are full of books, as if he didn’t manage to fit them all in his carry-on. These are Tao Xu and Isaac Henderson, Charlie’s oldest friends. Nick has probably seen them in passing at Truham years ago, without ever paying any attention to them. He wonders how different his life would now be if he’d been part of this friend group at the time.

“Hi Nick!” Isaac says.

“Oh, um. Hi!” Nick splutters, somehow surprised to be spoken to. “Come in!”

“Is this your flat, now?” Tao asks with a suspicious squint of his eyes. There’s no bite to his words though, and Nick manages a little laugh despite his nerves.

“Tao! Be nice!” Charlie chides him as he moves from Elle’s embrace to hug Isaac. Elle doesn’t waste a second before she throws her arms around Nick, mustering just as much enthusiasm as she did with Charlie. Nick’s jaw drops open in surprise. She smells of something fruity and sweet, and he instantly feels himself relax.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Tao protests, before gawking at Charlie when he sees him make his way towards the living room once he’s done greeting Isaac. “Hey!! Where’s my hug?!”

Charlie’s laughter is clearer than spring water and Nick wants to bathe in it. Charlie’s so at ease with his friends.

“You lost your hug privileges when you decided to be rude to Nick before you even said hello!”

“Unbelievable!” Tao cries out dramatically. “You don’t see your best friend for three months and he replaces you already!”

The little group gathers around the coffee table, where Nick and Charlie have arranged drinks as well as safe snacks for Charlie and a few of Nick’s sweet creations. Given the fact that the theatre seminar finished the week before, Nick has had the whole day to (stress) bake a vast array of desserts, from canelés to brownies by way of muffins and chocolatines. Tao tries to act like he doesn’t like his pastries that much when Elle and Isaac shower Nick with compliments, but he ends up eating almost half of the stock by himself.

Nick learns that Elle is in art school in London while Tao is in film school. They’re both passionate people and Nick finds himself riveted by their respective stories. They explain that they’re working on a short film together − Tao’s writing and directing while Elle takes care of sets, make-up and costumes − and Nick’s heart glows with incandescent joy when Tao casually invites him to the premiere that’s set to take place in a few months time.

Tao and Elle share a flat in the outskirts of the city with three other students, including Isaac, who studies Modern Literature at the University of London. They get up to all sorts of (mainly artistic) adventures together and they’re happy to regale Charlie with their stories. Nick discreetly glances at the boy when they do. He knows that Charlie’s doing great in Leeds, but he imagines it must be hard to miss out on everything that his best friends are doing together. Charlie doesn’t seem bothered, though. His smile is soft and his dimples are on display as he listens to them. He looks genuinely happy for his friends.

Nick can feel his heart swell in his chest as he watches the three of them interact. They haven’t seen each other in months, and yet they look like they haven’t left each other’s side at all. Nick truly admires their complicity. Perhaps that’s what being childhood friends looks like. A small part of Nick grieves that he will never have anything like it. A bigger part of him is grateful that Charlie has had that, especially in school, when he needed it the most.

Once they’re done eating, they settle on the sofa while Tao goes to retrieve his DVD’s for their film night. He insisted on bringing physical copies (as well as his own DVD player, since Charlie doesn’t have one), because he’s adamant about watching the bonuses in addition to the movie to “get the full experience”. Elle and Isaac roll their eyes at that, but Charlie is too distracted to react. In truth, Nick is too.

Despite Isaac sitting on the floor, the settee isn’t big enough for everyone. Nick and Charlie are squished together and Nick has to fight against all of his instincts not to wrap his arm around Charlie. They haven’t touched since Tao, Elle and Isaac arrived, and Nick is going through withdrawal. His fingers tingle with how much he wants to reach out, but he behaves for Charlie’s sake.

When Tao returns, he brandishes three DVD’s in their faces. As it turns out, except for Shadows, John Cassavetes’ debut movie, he brought a few films that Nick has heard about. The first one is A Streetcar Named Desire by Elia Kazan. Nick hasn’t seen it, but he knows that Paul Mescal has acted in this play a while ago. The second one is Maurice by James Ivory, which was in the list of queer movies he found online when he was coming to terms with his bisexuality. Tao makes a thorough presentation about each one, until Charlie interrupts him.

“No Donnie Darko today?” he teases, and Nick has the feeling that it’s some kind of inside joke between them.

Tao glares at him. “I’m in film school now, Charlie, I’d like to think I’ve discovered one or two films since secondary school.”

“Thank god, you did,” Elle breathes out in relief, “I think I would have broken up with you if you’d forced me to watch that thing for the twelfth time!”

Tao makes an affronted noise that sounds terribly like a bird call. “Would you all choose a film instead of bullying me?!”

“Maurice sounds good!” Nick pipes up from his spot at the end of the sofa. He hasn’t talked in a while, but he wants to show Tao that he listened to him intently enough to form an opinion, even if in reality, he was swayed as soon as he heard who played in it.

“Oh, are you a fan of Ivory’s work? Or E.M. Forster, maybe?” Tao asks, looking pleasantly surprised.

“Erm, no,” Nick blushes, averting his eyes self-consciously. “I just like Hugh Grant.”

“Ah.”

“Pretty blue eyes, luscious dark hair… It checks out,” Isaac muses with a smirk, his head still buried in a book.

Charlie erupts in pleased giggles and Nick chokes on his tea, nearly spilling his mug on himself, which only increases Charlie’s laughter. Nick swats him playfully, but Charlie moves at the same time, making their hands brush against each other. Nick can’t hold back a silent gasp as a spark of lightning zaps through his entire body. Nick shoots Charlie a warning look. He has to stop touching him if he doesn’t want Nick to pull him onto his lap.

“Does everyone agree on Maurice?” Tao’s crouched next to the DVD player, oblivious to Nick and Charlie’s wordless flirting. Everyone agrees enthusiastically, relieved they won’t have to watch some black and white picture from the fifties. “Maurice it is, then!”

“I’m surprised none of your options required subtitles, for once,” Elle comments as Tao puts the DVD in.

“I know better than to subject you to another French film that none of you would have understood properly because you can’t be arsed to pay attention to the subtitles!”

“Nick’s half-French!” Charlie exclaims excitedly, sounding so proud that Nick’s stomach flutters with butterflies. “He would have understood the whole thing!”

“Oh, really? Who’s your favourite French filmmaker, then?” Tao asks. He looks more interested in what Nick has to say than he’s been all evening, and Nick doesn't want to disappoint. Hopefully, this is his chance to prove that he deserves Charlie’s affection. The thing is, being half-French doesn’t make him any more of a cinephile than he already is, and he’s not sure he knows any French director.

“Erm…” Nick hesitates, glancing towards Charlie as he wets his lips nervously.

“Leos Carax might be my favourite at the moment,” Tao cuts in before Nick can get a word in, “but you can’t forget about Jean-Luc Godard or François Truffaut. French cinema would be nothing like what it is today without the New Wave and la politique des auteurs. I have a soft spot for Agnès Varda, though. She’s often disregarded when La Pointe-Courte came out before Breathless!” Tao rants, all in one breath.

Nick swallows tensely. He doesn’t know any of the people Tao’s mentioned. His pronunciation of ‘politique des auteurs’ was frankly risible, but Nick’s way too intimidated to correct him. He feels out of his depth here. Contrary to Tao, Elle, Isaac and even Charlie, he doesn’t know much about music, literature or cinema. He’s just a dumb lad who likes rugby, super-hero movies and Formula One. How can he measure up to the genius of Charlie and his friends?

Thankfully, Charlie notices his panic and promptly saves him from Tao’s interrogation with a bright giggle. “Leave him alone, Tao, nobody knows what you’re talking about!”

“And nobody cares, frankly…” Isaac remarks jokingly.

Nick falls back against the backrest with a quiet breath of relief and Charlie knocks his shoulder with his own as a silent ‘you’re welcome’. Nick suppresses a grin.

“Uh! Rude! Sorry for trying to get to know Nick a bit better.”

Nick lets his smile bloom freely on his face. The fact that Charlie’s friends want to know him, that he was invited to their reunion at all, makes him weirdly emotional. Tao is a particular guy, but he’s fiercely loyal to Charlie, that much is clear, and Nick is deeply honoured that Tao likes him enough to include him in the conversation.

“My dad used to show me some comedies with Louis de Funès?” Nick finally offers. He says it cautiously, like he’s at risk of being berated, which earns him another laugh from Charlie. He knows he’s talking about an actor instead of a filmmaker, but that’s the best he can do with his limited knowledge. It’s not like Stéphane taught him an extensive lesson on French cinema.

“Huh! Well he’s no Jean Gabin, but I guess he is in some French classics…” Tao ponders pensively.

“Can we watch the film now, or did you want to talk about French men we’ve never heard about for another few hours?” Elle asks sarcastically, exasperated by her boyfriend’s antics.

Tao rolls his eyes good naturedly, nods approvingly at Nick, and presses play on Maurice. Nick feels like he’s passed some kind of test, and smiles to himself for the first ten minutes of the movie.

💬💬

Charlie’s washing the dishes and humming happily under his breath when Elle joins him in the kitchen. Nick, Tao and Isaac are in the living room, tidying the mess and setting up air mattresses on the floor. It was decided that they would all sleep there since Charlie’s room is barely spacious enough to fit his single bed, which means that Nick will have to sleep with Charlie’s friends in the living room.

Charlie catches himself giggling at the thought. Fuck, he hasn’t stopped giggling all night. How ridiculous is that? Charlie finds that he doesn’t care. His anxious, eager-to-please disaster of a non-boyfriend, whom he loves so, so much, is here; and he gets on very well with his best friends. Charlie even caught him shedding a tear or two in front of the movie. When Hugh Grant’s character (the brunette) broke the heart of James Wilby’s character (the blonde), Nick’s breathing stuttered and he hastily threw a plaid blanket onto both of their laps, before grabbing Charlie’s hand underneath, mirroring Charlie’s actions in theatre class. Charlie was so endeared in this moment that he almost climbed on his lap and kissed him right then and there.

“Soooo…” Elle starts inquisitively. She grabs the tea towel hanging on a hook next to the sink and starts drying the dishes.

“So what?”

“You’re talking to Nick again!”

“I am!” Charlie chuckles, although he remains focused on the work at hand.

“And?” Elle probes. “Are you together, then?!”

“You are aware that I know about the bet, right?” Charlie turns away from the plate he’s currently washing to throw an unimpressed look at his friend.

Elle remains unfazed. “Well, yeah, but I’m not asking when you got together. I’m just happy you finally are!”

“We’re not dating, Elle,” Charlie says as he turns back to the sink and resumes his washing.

“Pff, you’re no fun,” Elle complains. “You don’t have to lie, love, I promise I won’t tell the others!”

“I’m not lying. We decided to wait until next year.”

“What?! But you like each other!”

Charlie blushes and smiles shyly. His scrubbing turns softer as his mind wanders back to Nick’s smitten expression. “We do.”

Charlie doesn’t turn to look at Elle, but he can still feel her quizzical gaze on him. “We can call off the bet, you know?” Elle ends up saying tentatively. She sounds almost regretful. “It’s just a silly thing. I would hate for you guys to hold off because of us. You went through enough shit because of what I said that night…”

“Oh, Elle, no,” Charlie reassures. “Our fight didn't happen because of you. If I’d been less insecure, and perhaps less immature, none of it would have happened.” He heaves a sigh, still deeply embarrassed about his actions. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that none of you will win the wager, and that’s definitely a part of it, but that’s not really why I want us to wait.”

“Why, then? Nick clearly cares about you. Even Tao can see that!”

“I know. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s myself.” Charlie swallows thickly, unsure of how much he should reveal to Elle. He wants to confide in her, but he refuses to talk about the ghosts of his past. Not on such a joyful night. Not when everything is going so well. Charlie looks at the way water wrinkled his fingers and almost laughs to himself again. He thought these awful boys had left scars on him, but they were mere wrinkles, disappearing more and more every day. Healing is possible. “At first, I wanted to be sure I would be good enough for Nick. My insecurities have hurt our relationship in the past and I don’t want that to happen again. So, I’ve been working on myself and I’m trying to be more honest about things. I think it’s working out well for the both of us.”

“And now?” Elle asks gently.

“Well, now, I don't really know. Nick told me he wants to wait, too. I’m dying to give in and tell him we can start dating the moment he feels ready, but I’ve made him wait for weeks. If I call it off now, won't it feel like I’m pressuring him? Or like I’ve made him wait for nothing?” Charlie explains falteringly, a hint of sheepishness sipping through his tone.

“You’re asking yourself too many questions, babe. I’m sure he wouldn't mind! He looks at you like Tao looks at his signed Parasite DVD,” Elle jokes, checking his hip conspiratorially.

Charlie has spent the whole week thinking about this. Ever since Nick’s rugby match (and Charlie’s consequential freak-out), he’s been feeling twenty pounds lighter. A huge weight has been lifted off his chest when Nick confirmed that he wasn’t interested in anyone else, and Charlie’s been feeling invincible ever since. Actually, now that he’s proved to himself that he is capable of getting over a spiral on his own, that he is strong enough to reach out to Nick in times of doubt, he can’t help but wonder…

Maybe he is ready to give this relationship a shot. A proper, real shot.

Apart from the fact that Nick apparently isn’t ready, there’s only one thing holding Charlie back: he hasn’t had a single bad day in front of Nick. He’s panicked, sure, but he never got weird about food or spent a whole day stuck in bed because of his wonky mental health. What if Nick can't handle it? What if Charlie can't handle it, and blows up at him for no reason again?

Charlie sighs heavily. He hates being honest. “I don't know… I’m just - I’ve never been in a relationship. How do I know if I’m ready to be in one?” Charlie gnaws his lips, hesitating slightly before saying the next part in a fierce whisper. “I love him so much, Elle. I can’t mess it up. I don’t want to do something wrong and hurt him again.”

“Oh, Charlie…” Elle exhales, dropping the towel to envelop Charlie in a hug. It’s a bit awkward, since Charlie’s hands are dripping on the floor and he can’t squeeze her back against him, but it feels comforting all the same. “You’re allowed to make mistakes! You don't have to be perfect to start dating; you just have to be willing to keep working on things that hurt your relationship, which is exactly what you're doing right now.” She speaks with so much conviction that Charlie almost believes her. When they separate, she keeps her hands on his shoulders and her kind, piercing brown eyes seem to burn right into his soul. “I believe that you are ready, even if you don't. The question is: what will you do if the next few weeks aren’t enough to convince you?”

💬💬

Nick huffs as he tosses and turns, unable to find sleep. He’s too heavy for the air mattress and he can feel the hardness of the floor when the plastic dips under his weight. Tao and Elle sleep together on a double air mattress, Isaac is on the couch, and one of them has been snoring for a while now. Nick realises he could have gone home instead of sleeping on the floor, but Charlie asked him if he wanted to stay and have breakfast with them tomorrow, since they weren’t going to see each other before the evening, when they were all going to a queer bar in the city centre, and well… It’s not like he can say no to this boy.

Ideally, he’d be asleep next to Charlie right now. Charlie’s got a single bed, but they usually make it work, because they don’t leave any space between them anyway. Tonight, however, going to bed with Charlie was out of the question. They can’t claim to be platonic friends if they cuddle up together at night. Nick finds the double standard a bit ironic: they never kiss, even in private, but they still do other stuff that are objectively romantic, like holding hands, giving each other pet names, and sleeping together in a single bed. He knows Charlie deems them romantic too, because if he didn’t, he would have invited Nick in his bed tonight.

God knows Nick won’t be the one to question it, though. He’s more than happy to take things slow.

Still, it’s been an hour now, his eyes sting with exhaustion after stressing all day and sleep evades him. Nick can’t help but think that he would be dead to the world right now if he was surrounded by the warmth of Charlie’s body.

Nick heaves a sigh and grabs his phone. He knows he shouldn’t burn his retinas with screens just before sleep, but it’s a last resort solution. It turns out to be the right decision, because he finds a message from Charlie from two minutes ago. It’s as if the boy has sensed his movements from the other side of the wall, or maybe they’re just that connected to each other. A dopey smile forms on Nick’s lips.

Charlie (1:23)

i can’t sleep

Nick (1:25)

Me neither

Nick can see Charlie typing, then stopping and resuming after a few seconds. It looks like he’s hesitating to say something, so Nick decides to take the leap himself.

Nick (1:26)

Should I come over to your room?

Charlie’s message comes through at the exact moment Nick presses ‘send’.

Charlie (1:26)

do you want to come over to my room?

Nick (1:26)

Lol

Charlie (1:27)

we really shouldn’t

Nick (1:27)

I really want to tho

Charlie (1:27)

me too

Nick (1:28)

I’ll be there in 2

Just checking everybody is asleep

Nick props himself up on his elbows and looks in the direction of the lumps formed by Charlie’s friends’ bodies. It’s hard to see if there’s any movement in the dark, so he decides to just… Ask.

“Is anyone awake?” Nick whispers, praying to God that no one is. “I need another blanket and I don’t know where they are…” When he’s still met with silence thirty seconds later, Nick breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, cool.”

Nick (1:30)

If they wake up and don’t see me during the night, they’ll probably think I’m peeing

I drank so much tea hahaha

Did it on purpose, just to have the excuse 😈

Charlie (1:30)

no you didn’t x)

you were just nervous to meet my friends

Nick (1:30)

…

No comment

Charlie (1:31)

okay, now get your arse in my bed, mr-pees-a-lot

Nick has to muffle his snort so that he doesn’t risk waking up the others. He gets up carefully and types a response as he tiptoes to Charlie’s room.

Nick (1:31)

How could I turn down such a poetic invitation? 🤩

When Nick opens the door to Charlie’s bedroom, he finds him buried under the covers, head barely peeking out. His eyes are sleepy and his curls are all over the place, spilling out like black ink on the pillows. He looks so utterly cute that Nick’s stomach clenches with affection, and he can’t help himself. As soon as he’s close enough to do so, he lets himself fall inelegantly right onto Charlie’s body.

Charlie’s ‘oof!’ in response is concealed by his laughter. They battle a bit until Nick is under the covers beside Charlie, circling his waist and nuzzling in his neck with a contented sigh.

“I set an alarm at 7 so that I can go back to the living room before any of them wake up,” Nick mumbles, before throwing his phone onto the bedside table carelessly.

Getting to touch Charlie again after a few hours of deprivation feels heavenly. It wasn’t too long ago that Nick was hugging his pillow at night to pretend that Charlie was sleeping by his side, and now he’s properly addicted to the real feeling. They whisper and giggle together for a bit, but soon enough, fatigue catches up with them. It’s like their bodies needed the other to relax and let go of the day.

“I think they really like you,” Charlie whispers, whilst he’s on the brink of sleep. He’s caressing the ridge of Nick’s ear tenderly between his thumb and his index finger, and Nick could purr with how soothing the touch feels.

“Yeah?” he sighs happily. He’s feeling so at peace that he might as well be dying. Communing with Charlie in a state of half-consciousness is transcendent. It’s a merging of two bodies, the reunion of two souls who were separated against their will a millennium ago.

“Yeah. I’m really happy…” Charlie murmurs, barely awake, before rubbing his nose against Nick in an Eskimo kiss.

“Then I’m really happy, too,” Nick echoes. “Good night sweetheart…”

“Good night, baby…”

Their slumber is so deep that they don’t even hear Nick’s alarm in the morning, and Nick has to pretend he went into Charlie’s room first thing in the morning to ask how the shower works. Tao, Elle and Isaac are gracious enough no to point out that Charlie’s now wearing the jumper that Nick went to sleep in.

💬💬

Nick wonders if he should have picked another, more ‘stylish’ outfit. He sticks out like a sore thumb with his simple pale blue shirt and his cuffed jeans. Elle and Tao look like models out of a fashion magazine, Tara and Darcy wear more colours than he thought existed, Isaac’s outfit looks sober but clever, and Charlie… Charlie looks like a fucking gay god.

Nick left soon after breakfast, mindful to let him have some alone time with his friends, which means he discovered Charlie’s outfit at the bar, in front of everybody else. In other words, he had to monitor his expression when he saw Charlie in a crop top for the first time. This was perhaps one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. Nick’s mouth turned drier than firefood when he caught sight of the tantalising flash of Charlie’s stomach. His breath caught in his throat, and he nearly choked on his own saliva when his eyes fell on Charlie’s happy trail. The vision rendered Nick speechless. Never had he seen something so hypnotising before. He was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open, but he didn’t care. He could have stared for weeks.

For his own sanity, Nick forced himself to avert his eyes. This was the kind of sight that seduced sailors into the depths of the ocean in the stories. His face was burning hot, and it took him a full minute before he was able to look at Charlie again. When he did so, he finally noticed the eyeliner around his dumortierite eyes, and the fire immediately returned in his stomach. For a long, dangerous second, he was ready to risk it all. God knows Nick would have knocked over the table separating them and pressed him against a wall to kiss him senseless if he thought that Charlie would want him to do something like that.

But alas, he didn’t, so Nick stood still, uncomfortably tight in his supposedly large jeans.

Thankfully, Elle and Tara squealed loudly when they saw each other and that was enough to divert everyone’s attention. Elle and Tara met at some dance course when they were teens and stayed in touch through social media. Needless to say they were surprised to meet again in September at Tara’s party. Now, Tao and Darcy are engaged in a very complicated handshake, and Charlie and Isaac laugh together as they take place at their table. Charlie shoots a shy smile at Nick when he sits down next to him, and Nick’s awed ‘hi’ in response sounds ridiculously raspy.

“Where’s Sahar?” Nick asks the girls, once they’re all sitting in a round booth.

“Hasn’t she told you?” Tara wonders.

“Hasn’t she told me what?”

“She’s on her second date with Imogen tonight!”

A few whoops erupt around the table.

“Imogen? As in Imogen Heaney? Her best friend?!” Nick splutters.

“Yes!”

Nick chuckles in pleased disbelief. “Oh, wow! I guess she wasn’t lying when she said crushing on a best friend was a rite of passage for bisexual people.”

Nick doesn’t like the smirk forming on Darcy’s lips. “Crushing on your best friend, you say?” She teases. “Is there something you want to tell us, Nicky boy?”

Nick curses his pale complexion as his face goes up in flames. “Oh, shut up, D…” His love for Charlie is an open secret, but it doesn’t mean he can’t feel bashful about it.

Nick feels Charlie’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn to look at him. He knows he’s more likely to act recklessly if he does. Their thighs brush together and they both smile coyly when Charlie grazes his fingers against Nick’s under the cover of the table.

The first part of the night goes by quickly. It helps that Elle and Tara, two of the warmest people he’s ever met, already know each other. The two groups merge into a big, joyous one and Nick realises he’s never had this much fun on a night out. He almost regrets not inviting the rugby lads, but he has to remind himself that the point of the night wasn’t to unite his and Charlie’s friend groups. They’re not a couple meeting each other’s friends for the first time. Elle, Tao and Isaac probably wouldn’t have been interested in spending the night with Nick and his friends if they hadn’t known Tara and Darcy beforehand.

On the flipside, not being able to touch Charlie feels like torture. Nick is dying to put an arm around him, to kiss his dimpled cheek and to bury his fingers in his shiny curls. The more Nick drinks, the harder it gets to keep his hands to himself. At some point, he even has to tuck his palms between his legs to stop himself from reaching over.

Around 11pm, the whole group gets up to join the dancefloor. Even Isaac goes, leaving his book behind when Tara stretches her hands towards him enthusiastically, but Nick decides to stay behind at the table. He almost caves when Charlie pouts at him, but he stands firm. He can’t stand the crowd and he feels ridiculous when he tries to get his cumbersome body to dance, but he could probably overlook all of this to make Charlie happy if it wasn’t for the fact that dancing with the boy he loves in a packed room could be very dangerous. Their chests would be pressed together, Nick would have to put his hands on Charlie’s narrow and naked waist and, with all the alcohol he’s had, his mouth could very easily find his pulse, his throat, his lips…

Inebriation makes Nick’s head swim with sinful images. In front of his drowsy eyes, Charlie’s swaying his hips to the music. When the beat drops, he throws his arms above his head and his shirt rides up, revealing even more of his silver skin. Something impossible to ignore tugs at Nick’s stomach. This very spectacle might be the cause of his demise, but he can’t look away. White flashes of light make Charlie come and go in Nick’s vision, like the flickering signage on the ground of a motorway, or a cosmical lighthouse, guiding his soul towards fulfilment. Charlie is the entire starry sky contained in one person, too bright to even look at, and yet Nick’s okay becoming blind if it means seeing Charlie one last time.

Nick doesn’t know how long he remains frozen, staring at him. Time isn’t sand in an hourglass anymore, it’s water; it’s steam evaporating into nothingness. It could be minutes, or years, before Charlie approaches with a smirk and dangerous flames burning in his dark pupils. Looking Nick straight in the eye, he swings his hips seductively and reaches out a hand to him in a last-ditch attempt to get him to dance. Nick stays strong and shakes his head in a daze, but Charlie doesn’t relent. He bends to take Nick’s hands in his, and that’s when Nick notices a sheen of sweat spreading from his temple to his collarbone, like the bed of an ancient creek.

Nick has never been this turned on before, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Then, Nick’s heavy-lidded eyes land on Charlie’s − the gems from his childhood − his peace, his joy, his destiny − and all illusion of self-control leave him at once. He feels way too much love, way too much desire to resist a second longer.

Nick springs to his feet, drops one of Charlie’s hands and drags him towards the bathroom with the other. His stride is so long that Charlie has to trot to keep up with him, but Nick’s enthusiasm doesn’t seem to bother Charlie in the slightest.

“Niiiick!” The younger boy shrieks, deliciously intoxicated. “What are you - Oh!”

Nick pushes him against the wall of a cubicle and lifts him up in one fell swoop, securing his thighs with his strong arms. Nick looks at Charlie with unfocused eyes, and waits for his consenting nod to resume his lust-fueled ministrations. When he gets it, he doesn’t waste a minute and attacks the whole length of Charlie’s neck with open-mouthed and vodka-flavoured kisses. If music wasn’t blaring in the bathroom, the silence would be filled with sinfully wet sounds. Charlie’s breathless moans, however, sound deafening in Nick’s ear. He wants to swallow the noise and feast on it.

“God, you drive me crazy,” Nick growls against Charlie’s salty skin. He doesn’t recognise his own voice, transformed by a lust he’s rarely experienced before today.

“Nick…” Charlie whimpers.

Nick can’t help himself. He darts out his tongue, flattens it against Charlie’s sweaty clavicle, and licks the whole way to his strong jaw in a long, slow strip. The only thing keeping him from kissing Charlie on the mouth is the sobering thought that they might not remember it tomorrow morning. They haven’t had that much to drink, but they’re both tipsy and Nick doesn’t want to risk it.

To distract himself from the mouth-watering sight of Charlie’s lips, Nick gently drops him back onto the ground, crouches, and directs his attention toward the uncovered part of Charlie’s midsection. Charlie isn’t as brawny as Nick in any way but his stomach is hard against Nick’s face, and the jutting bones of his hips peeking out of his low-cut jeans make Nick’s head spin with arousal. Nick nibbles there for a while, before peppering a trail of kisses in the direction of Charlie’s navel.

When Nick’s mouth makes contact with Charlie’s happy trail − a delicious but very physical line that he’s not ready to cross, not yet − Nick’s brain shuts down immediately. Feeling a blinding surge of panic, Nick loses his footing and falls back on his arse. He can barely hear Charlie’s giggles over the thumping of his heart. His rib cage almost hurts with the force of it. His chest is the skin of a drum played by a madman, or perhaps he is the madman. How much did he have to drink? Nick tries to anchor himself by squeezing Charlie’s hand but it doesn’t immediately work; he’s plagued with thoughts he’s tried to repress for years.

He’s a fraud. A lying, pathetic man who doesn’t even know what he wants.

Charlie doesn’t notice. He’s laughing, saying that it’s probably best that they were interrupted, but in Nick’s head, his voice is overlapped by Christian’s. His friend was right. It is weird that Nick went all his life without having sex with anyone, isn’t it? Isn’t it what every boy his age ever thinks about?

How come he’s never wanted anyone the way he wants Charlie? Was he overacting his desire right then? Is he deceiving Charlie by faking confidence, or did he really feel brave for a moment? If this passion has been in him all along, why did he never see it before knowing Charlie?

More importantly, does he really want Charlie if he starts to panic at the mere thought of -

“Nick!!” Charlie exclaims. “The song!”

Nick slowly opens his eyes as familiar guitar notes ring out above their heads. He didn’t even notice he’d closed them.

Can you hear me calling

Out your name?

You know that I’m falling

And I don’t know what to say

I’ll speak a little louder

I’ll even shout

You know that I’m proud

And I can’t get the words out

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Nick takes a deep breath. In, and out. He’s thrown back to his birthday, to the bliss he felt that day, and the fog gradually dissipates.

“Are you sure you don't wanna dance? This is your favourite song!!” Charlie says excitedly, tugging at both of his hands.

“I can't dance, Char…” Nick replies half-heartedly, even though he’s already getting up.

“Sorry,” Charlie apologies with mock seriousness, taking a step forward so that his chest is pressed against Nick, “what I meant was ‘do you want to use the music as an excuse to touch my hips and shuffle a bit on the sticky floor of this dim-lighted bathroom?’” He’s looking up at Nick with big, pleading eyes and pouting lips. The little devil has already won, and he knows it.

“If you put it like that…” Nick giggles, the sick feeling in his stomach momentarily forgotten.

“Yes!!” Charlie rejoices, before kissing Nick’s cheek sweetly. “Thank you, baby…”

In slow-motion, Charlie takes their intertwined hands and places them on his waist, before putting his arms around Nick’s neck. His eyes are still a little dazed, but his smile is bright enough to make Nick forget his own name. Without a word, they both lean in and press their foreheads against each other’s. They must look ridiculous, dancing in a dirty bathroom stall, but Nick doesn’t care. Actually, what they’re doing can hardly be called dancing − frankly, they barely even move − but they’re content nonetheless. Their noses meet in a kiss and Nick can finally exhale all of his anguish. He thanks the sky and all of the stars for giving birth to the boy in his arms.

“Your video…” Nick mumbles. “I must have watched it a few hundred times since my birthday.” Charlie hums peacefully. They shouldn’t be able to hear themselves with the music but they’re close enough to feel the vibrations of each other’s words on their own lips.

“I recorded it more than ten times, I think… Wanted to be perfect for you…”

“You are…” Nick murmurs ardently. He has never meant anything more.

They continue to wobble snugly for the rest of the duration of the song. Time stretches around them until it’s nothing but an endless loop, spinning in sync with the movement of their feet. At some point, Charlie moves his head to nestle above Nick’s heart and recites the same words he sang when Nick started to fall in love with him.

“I wanna be with you everywhere…”

At that moment in time, unaware of the monsters waiting for him outside of this cubicle, Nick thinks that everything is going to be okay.

💬💬

When Nick and Charlie finally come out of the bathroom, most of their friends are back at their table. Elle must have seen them running off together, because she pounces on Charlie as soon as he sits down. She gives him a pointed look and asks − more like demands − him to go get some water with her at the bar to help everyone sober up. Dancing slowly in a bathroom stall might be a good remedy, because Nick’s ideas are much clearer now. Nick watches them go arm in arm with a small smile, chuckling to himself as he sees the sea of people surrounding the bar. They won’t be back for a while, but Nick suspects that Elle isn’t mad about it. It gives her more time to grill poor Charlie.

Nick tunes back to the conversation taking place at the table and realises that Tao is asking for some series recommendations.

“They’re making us watch three films a day at film school and I miss watching good shows…” He bemoans, with a very slight slur to his words.

“I didn’t think I would live to see the day Tao Xu got tired of movies!” Darcy has met Tao a total of one time before tonight, and yet, she seems completely comfortable with him. Nick wonders if he’s the only one here who’s still a bit intimidated by Tao. Isaac doesn’t even look like he’s listening, although he probably is. Now that he’s danced a little, nothing can tear his attention away from his book. Earlier in the evening, Nick heard him say that he was intending to finish it tonight.

“How dare you even suggest this?!” Tao cries out theatrically. “Plus, they’re called films, not movies, you Philistine.” He rips a piece of straw wrapper and throws it at Darcy’s face.

Tara gasps through a smile. “Please don’t insult my girlfriend!”

“Well, I’m not offended, because I don’t even know what that means!” Darcy quips.

Nick chuckles with the rest of them. He’s a little overwhelmed by how wonderfully everyone is getting on. On some level, he knew that these guys liked each other enough to gossip together about Charlie and him behind their backs, but seeing them interact in real life is weirdly touching. Nick loves that he and Charlie share a big friend group.

Against his better judgement, Nick’s tipsy mind suddenly provides him with images of a big reception, tear-jerking speeches from Tara and Elle, mad dance moves from Tao and Darcy as well as embarrassing stories told by Isaac and the rugby lads…

Nick has to physically shake his head to dispel the preposterous idea.

Good god. He has to get a hold of himself. Charlie’s not even his boyfriend, yet.

“Anyway,” Tao resumes. “Elle prefers series and I’m looking for something to watch together on the weekends. It’s got to be entertaining enough to hold her attention and good enough that I can talk about it in class…”

Nick clears his throat and decides to try to contribute to the conversation instead of daydreaming about marrying Charlie. “I quite liked -”

“Nope,” Tao interrupts. “Don’t even dare suggesting a Marvel show, Nelson. I see you coming.”

“I - I wasn’t…” Nick stutters. He totally was going to suggest Loki.

“Oh, have you seen Succession, yet?” Tara asks enthusiastically. “The last season aired earlier this year and I have no one to talk about it with!”

“No, not yet. I’ve heard it’s excellent but the topic is holding me back. I’m not sure I want to watch a bunch of white nepo babies stropping and fighting over who’s going to succeed daddy.”

“It’s so much better than that, I promise! The writing is phenomenal, I’m sure you would love it!”

“My screenwriting teacher did talk about it briefly the other day…”

“Phenomenal?!” Darcy interjects. “It’s incomprehensible!”

Tara rolls her eyes. “It’s not incomprehensible, Darcy! You just can’t stand still and listen for more than four minutes straight!”

“It’s boring! Who cares about shareholders and board meetings, honestly? You only like it because you have a crush on Sarah Snook!” Darcy exclaims, with a glint in her eyes. She tries to poke Tara’s cheek, but Tara swats her hand away.

“And you only hate it because I chose her as my hall pass…” She counters with a giggle.

A hall pass?

Darcy sighs exaggeratedly before throwing herself against the table and banging her fist on the wood in a dramatic gesture. “I can never be her… Should I dye my hair ginger? Nick, give me your head, I want to see if the shade of your hair would look good on me…” She straightens up as fast as she went down and the sudden movement knocks over her glass, which spills all over her t-shirt.

“Darcy!” Tara chides.

Nick can barely register her antics through the buzzing in his head. He gulps and licks his lips before asking flatly: “What’s a hall pass?”

It’s like the conversation was a ball jumping from hand to hand and Nick came in and burst it with a knife. The girls turn to look at him quizzically, Tao frowns, and even Isaac lifts his eyes from his book.

“Don’t you have any celebrity crushes?” Tara asks curiously after a beat of silence.

Inexplicably, the discomfort is back tenfold in Nick’s guts.

“Of course I do,” Nick answers a bit defensively, without even knowing why he feels defensive about that. He does have celebrity crushes. Who knows, perhaps he would still think of himself as straight if Paul Mescal wasn’t so damn beautiful.

“Well, when you're in a relationship,” Darcy explains, “you can agree on having a hall pass. It’s a celebrity that you would be allowed to screw without consequences if you were to meet them!”

“Ugh, don’t say ‘screw’…” Tara grimaces.

“Oh…” Nick breathes out, before snorting a laugh. This is a joke, right? Why would anyone want to have sex with anyone other than their partner, let alone someone they have never met before? What if they’re secretly mean, or smell really bad? Paul Mescal and Zooey Deschanel might be gorgeous, but Nick has never thought of them in the way he’s been thinking about Charlie lately…

Nick’s smile drops when he realises that he’s the only one laughing. Are they… Are they not joking, then?

Nick hasn’t drunk anything in forty minutes, but a sudden wave of nausea strikes him. He swallows a bit of bile. Isaac must sense his helplessness as their eyes meet, because the next thing Nick knows, he’s coming to his rescue.

“I’ll never get you, allos. Wanting to touch someone whom you’ve never even talked to before…” Isaac shudders theatrically, and the spell is broken. Everyone laughs with him but Nick is stunned into silence.

What was that?

Nick’s body seems to know something that his mind doesn’t and that makes his spine tingle unpleasantly. He feels hot now, hotter than he was when he was kissing Charlie’s stomach, which is a feat in itself. Darcy’s still looking at him with narrowed eyes and for a horrible, distressing second, Nick thinks she will ask him which celebrity he’d like to fuck. Thankfully, something in his eyes must dissuade her because she turns her head and asks Tao instead.

“What about you, Tao, who would you shag? Zendaya? Natalie Portman? Ayo Edebiri?”

“It’s not - I don’t - Actually, I think that Elle’s calling me to help her with the drinks!” Tao stammers through a blush before shooting up from his seat as the girls burst out laughing. Nick looks at him marching towards the bar and getting hugged by Elle as he reaches her and Charlie. Nick suddenly wishes he’d gone with him. There are few things a hug from Charlie can’t fix.

“Come on, love, let’s get you cleaned up,” Tara grabs Darcy’s hand and leads her to the bathroom. The mischievous glint in their eyes suggests that cleaning up isn’t the only thing that they’ll be doing in there, but Nick doesn’t notice. He nearly topples over in relief as he realises that he won’t be asked the same question. He feels like he’s out of the woods, but what fucking woods is he talking about? Why is he so scared about some friendly, harmless banter, why is he feeling so fucking weird about -

“Are you okay?” Isaac’s voice pierces through the murkiness of Nick’s thoughts, but it’s not enough to pull him out of it completely.

Nick clears his throat. A pearl of sweat is running down his temple. It feels so cartoonish that he wants to scream. “Wha- Yeah. Yes. I’m normal.”

Isaac lifts an incredulous eyebrow.

“I, just…” Nick starts. It’s even hard to swallow, now. The lump in his throat is a pumice stone. “What did you call us, just then?”

Isaac quickly schools his face, but Nick still catches the surprise in his eyes. “Allos? As in, allosexuals?” He starts hesitantly. The blank stare that Nick gives him prompts him to shake his head and wave his hand around self-deprecatingly. “Don’t worry about it, it was just a bad joke. Fray people would like the idea of hall passes too, actually.”

“What does that… What does that mean? ‘Allosexual,’ I mean?”

It was his first time hearing the word, but it made his skin prickle with unease, for some reason.

“Oh.” Nick doesn’t know if he likes the flash of understanding that goes through Isaac’s eyes as he exhales the word. “Well, it’s the opposite of being asexual. Do you know what that is?” Isaac asks, cautiously.

Nick has heard of asexuality, of course he has, but what does it have to do with anything? He doesn’t want to sleep with a celebrity, but he likes the idea of sex. Well, he likes the idea of sex with Charlie, specifically. So that makes him ‘allo’, too, right?

But if he is, why does he agree with Isaac?

Around him, the room starts to spin.

“Yeah, of course. I mean, I’ve heard of the word, at least. Are you… Are you asexual?” Nick’s brain catches up with his mouth a few seconds after he’s done talking, and it’s already too late when he realises how invasive the question is. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“That’s okay, I wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t out,” Isaac soothes. “I am asexual. I’m also aromantic, which means I feel neither sexual nor romantic attraction. I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum from allos, if you will.”

“It’s a spectrum?” Nick whispers. How doesn’t he know about this by now? He’s not a confused sixteen-year-old, anymore, he should know about this. But then again, maybe a part of him didn’t want to.

“Of course,” Isaac confirms. “Everything’s a spectrum.”

Nick gulps. The lump is still there, but he tries to ignore it. “So, you never want to kiss anyone?” Nick rarely wants to kiss people (except Charlie, obviously), but he has fantasised about one or two celebrities’ lips.

“I don’t, but some ace folks do. Sensual attraction is different from sexual attraction, you know.”

“Sensual attraction?” Nick murmurs weakly.

“That’s the desire for non-sexual touches, such as cuddles and kisses, for example.”

Nick’s mind is whirring and purring, turning and burning. If what Isaac’s describing is sensual attraction, and nothing more, then he’s not sure he’s ever felt sexual attraction, except towards Charlie. What does it say about him? How has Nick gone twenty-one years without knowing this about himself? Has he been lying to himself all this time?

Nick can’t be asexual. Can he? If he was, he would have known years ago, right when he discovered the word, surely? Besides, wanting to sleep with Charlie should count for something, shouldn’t it?

But then again, perhaps a part of him did know.

Nick feels like he’s spent all his life in a house with blocked windows and Isaac’s kicking them open, one by one. The light is pouring in now, but Nick’s too used to the darkness of willful ignorance, and his heart can’t handle the scalding heat.

Nick’s throat closes and his stomach clenches with fear. With a mortification he hasn’t felt in a long time, he realises that some tears are welling up in his eyes. Nick blinks rapidly, but there’s nothing to be done. His vision blurs until he can see flares from the fluorescent lights above their heads.

In an attempt to make it less obvious, Nick lowers his head and busies his hands with a paper napkin.

“And… Not being attracted to strangers… Sexually, I mean…” Nick continues shakily. “I guess that’s part of you being asexual, too?”

He’s not really asking because he wants to know more about Isaac, though, and judging by his gentle but knowing smile, Charlie’s friend seems to know it as well.

Nick doesn’t know what he wants Isaac’s answer to be. A ‘no’ would be an easy way out. A ‘no’ would give him a semblance of comfort, a reassurance that he’s just like everyone else. No different than Tara, Darcy, or even Christian. No different than Charlie, probably.

It would mean that nothing’s wrong with him.

As soon as the thought forms in his head, Nick’s overcome with self-loathing. How can he think that of himself? Nothing’s wrong with Isaac, so why would something be wrong with him?

Isaac isn’t in love with anyone, though, which means that, unlike Nick, he doesn’t have to worry about being a source of disappointment. Because, if a ‘yes’ would put an end to years of feeling out of place, of feeling weird for things he didn’t feel, it would also mean that Nick hasn’t been completely honest with Charlie.

“Well, personally, I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone, stranger or not, but I would say that’s an ace thing, yes,” Isaac answers slowly. He bites his lower lip, then, as if he’s considering his next move carefully. “Demi-sexuals, for example, can only feel sexual attraction for people they’ve developed a strong emotional bond with. They wouldn’t be attracted to famous people they’ve never met or strangers they’d pass on the street, but if they really got to know someone… If they really liked them…”

“Demi-sexuals..?” Nick whispers, more to himself than to Isaac.

The word hits him right in the chest.

Something so foreign shouldn’t feel so familiar and yet it feels like coming home as an adult after getting lost in the forest as a small child. He’s spent years wandering about, ignoring the path leading home because he was afraid to hurt his naked feet on sharpened stones, but now he’s finally here.

Nick’s home, but he’s not burning in a defective house, anymore. The whole façade has been knocked over. He’s here for the Sun and the whole world to see, ready to be perceived in the daylight for what he really is. For who he really is. He’s finally free.

All along, there was a name for what he’s been feeling. He isn’t alone in this.

The revelation feels violent, but Nick’s not nearly as surprised as he ought to be for someone who spent all of teenage years agonising over his sexuality without ever figuring it out. It’s like getting punched in the face by someone whose passion is punching people in the face. Brutal, but not totally unexpected.

Could it be him, then? Could Nick be demi-sexual? Nick thinks back to the first time Nellie responded to her name. One day she didn’t know that she was ‘Nellie’, and the next, she did. Nothing changed, exactly. She was the same affectionate puppy as before, but now she knew who she was. It seemed to click for her the same way it’s clicking for him right now. For that matter, it’s clicking the same way it did when he realised he liked boys as well as girls. He’s gaining clarity about his identity, but it doesn’t have to change anything.

For a blissful second, all Nick feels is utter, breathtaking relief. One tear escapes his left eye and hurtles down the valley of his cheek. It carries with it the rest of his doubts, and Nick lets himself feel reborn. Fortunately, Isaac’s head is turned away towards the crowded bar and Nick has time to quickly wipe his face to get rid of the incriminating tear before he can see it. Nick can’t control the violent shaking of his hands, but he’d rather not cry in front of Charlie’s friend − who he only just met twenty-four hours ago − if he can help it.

“Like I said, asexuality is a spectrum,” Isaac continues as he turns back towards Nick. “A lot of micro-labels fit under it, even if they’re not really well-known, even in the community.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who identifies as asexual. Beside you, I mean,” Nick answers quietly. He’s been part of the LGBTQIA+ society during his first year, and he never met any ace people there. Still, he feels stupid about not realising sooner.

“A lot of people are ace and don’t realise it until later in life,” Isaac says softly, as if he’s just read Nick’s mind. “It’s always harder to notice a desire that is not here rather than one that is, especially in a society that pushes people to conform to allonormativity.” Nick remembers Christian’s questions, and a few more tears gather at the border of his lashes, threatening to take the great fall. It’s been so hard trying to fit in. All his life, Nick has had to pretend. In school, he had to hide that he liked boys. In uni, he had to lie about having one-night stands. Suddenly, Nick feels exhausted, crushed by the weight of all these harmful expectations. “Besides, some ace people have sex and enjoy it! They just don’t experience sexual attraction the same way allo people do.”

That’s all it takes for the panic to set back in.

Instinctively, Nick follows Isaac’s gaze and his eyes land on Charlie, who’s laughing so hard that his dimples dance on his cheeks in a mesmerising way. He looks unbelievably happy and his joy feels life-altering in its unadulterated beauty.

“They just don’t experience sexual attraction the same way allo people do,” Isaac said. Meaning, Nick probably doesn’t experience sexual attraction the same way Charlie does. Does it mean they’re incompatible? Does it mean that, inherently, Nick will never be enough for Charlie?

Cold terror seizes his heart. It’s made worse by the weeks he let it escalate in the back of his mind without ever addressing it. Now that the cause of his reluctance to date has a name, it feels even more real. It isn’t a vague feeling of discomfort anymore, it’s the very concrete fear that he’s too defective to be loved by the man he would give his life for.

Spots appear in Nick’s vision and Charlie’s silhouette disappears behind a mist of tears. Nick doesn’t want to break down in front of Isaac, so he keeps his eyes downcast and bites his bottom lip until he tastes blood. Then, Nick looks down to his hands and realises that he tore up his paper towel to shreds.

“I- uh. Thank you, Isaac. I’ve got to… Yeah,” Nick mumbles. His voice cracks, but Isaac doesn’t have time to address it. Nick’s already on his feet, chugging the rest of someone’s drink, and speeding towards the exit of the bar.

💬💬

Nick hates crowds on the best of days, but it suddenly feels insupportable to stay inside the bar. Sweaty bodies, wandering hands, strangers touching him - it all just feels like too much.

When Nick opens his eyes again, he's sitting on concrete stairs at the back of the building. He doesn’t remember how he got there. He’s hunched up against his knees, trying to regulate his laboured breathing. His trembling fingers are linked behind his head and his forearms are covering his ears. Tears are cascading on his cheeks now, but he can’t feel them. He can’t hear anything but the violent thumping of his heart echoing in his ears in the rhythm of a funeral march.

‘Asexual.’ Nick is pretty sure that’s what he is. ‘Ace,’ like Isaac said. That must be it, right? Otherwise, why would the word make his chest glow like that, nuzzling in the little nook that was always empty and waiting to be filled?

He shouldn’t have drunk this much. So many things make a lot more sense in the light of his discovery, but he’s still so, so confused, and his inebriated mind doesn’t help.

He’s watched porn before, and enjoyed it. But did he really want to touch the men and the women he watched? Was he supposed to?! And all these people he liked in school, was he supposed to want to have sex with them as well?! Did he like them at all if all he did was think about them constantly, get butterflies at the sight of them and want to date them? Nick has always been led to believe that romantic and sexual attractions went hand in hand, but what if they didn’t have to?

All of a sudden, it’s very clear to Nick why he never wanted to date anyone during his first year in Leeds. Beyond the fragile state of his mental health and his lack of crush on anyone, he was terrified of expectations. Most uni students have sex regularly, and he knew most people would expect sex after the second or third date, if not after the first, which wasn’t something that Nick could guarantee. Nick isn’t completely clueless to societal expectations. He knows it’s considered pitiful to be a virgin at his age − he’s seen dozens of movies in which the plot hinges on the main character’s ability to lose his v-card − so he’s always kept quiet about it. If he didn’t go out with anyone, then he didn’t need to talk about it.

Nick doesn’t care about that, though, not anymore. He’s done feeling guilty about something he holds no power over. The only thing he worries about, the only thing he cares about now, is Charlie.

Nick is definitely attracted to him. Romantically, sensually, and yes, also sexually. He’s not used to this type of attraction, since he’s never felt it before, but that’s what it must be. Nick feels all warm and fuzzy when Charlie thirsts over his gym selfies, he practically drools when he sees him drumming on stage, and he's touched himself to the thought of him multiple times. He felt very weird when he did it for the first time, but he couldn’t help himself. When he’d always pictured headless bodies before, he now visualised Charlie’s perfect chest, arms, curls and smile. Nick never dared to look at a picture while he did it, because it would’ve felt strange to do it without Charlie’s expressive consent, but the attraction was undeniable. He does fantasise about Charlie’s body, and about how it would feel under his hands.

He does want to have sex with Charlie, after spending years not desiring anyone.

Nick gets up from the steps and starts pacing in the dark alley. His whole body is vibrating with fear.

Will Charlie still want to be with him when he finds out that Nick’s on the ace spectrum? Will he be angry with him for not telling him sooner? It’s not like Nick’s been honest with himself, either. Rationally, he knows that Charlie is fundamentally kind, and that he would never judge him for figuring things out later in life, but it doesn’t mean that Charlie won’t be disappointed.

Then, a horrifying thought goes through Nick’s head. Charlie agreed to be exclusive, but that was before he knew about Nick’s asexuality. What if Nick’s lie makes him change his mind?

A sob escapes him. The thought of Charlie leaving him is unbearable. They’re not even together, but Nick can’t bear the thought of losing him. He’s the love of his life.

Alas, it’s most likely what’s going to happen. Of course, Charlie will be gutted, because, attracted to him or not, Nick isn’t ready to have sex. He just isn’t. He would have no idea how to go about it. His inexperience is paralysing. And yet, Nick has led Charlie on by enjoying the hickey he gave him, and then again by kissing him senseless in the bathroom earlier. What if Charlie expects them to sleep together as soon as the new year starts, and Nick still isn’t ready by then?

Nick starts staggering and has to lean on the stone wall to stay up. His breathing comes out ragged. The pathetic sound echoes down the empty alleyway.

Maybe Nick doesn’t even deserve to be with Charlie. Charlie is the most wonderful human being in the whole world. He should be with someone who knows about the bands he’s always talking about, someone who has a favourite book and a favourite French filmmaker. He deserves to be worshiped properly, by someone who would kiss every inch of his body with no hesitation; not someone as scared or undecisive as Nick.

Maybe that’s the solution, right there. Perhaps he should go home, and never look back. Leave Charlie alone for good, so that he could find someone more deserving of him.

As soon as this thought crosses Nick's mind, he remembers Charlie’s expression when he came to his flat after his rugby match. He remembers his shaking hands, the tightness of his embrace, and the tears streaming down his face at the thought of Nick dating other people.

“I want to be with you everywhere,” Charlie sang to him. He's been singing it to Nick for months now. What will it take for Nick to let himself believe it?

“Bloody hell,” Nick swears in a croaky voice, “what the fuck am I doing?”

He promised to stop running away, and to talk to Charlie, regardless of how scary it might be. He promised. Or was he lying about that, too?

Nick sniffles and takes out his phone from his jeans’ pocket, before unlocking it shakily. A few missed calls and messages are waiting for him there, including one from Isaac and a couple from Charlie.

Isaac (00:15)

Are you okay, Nick? I’m sorry if it was too much. I’m here for you if you need me.

Charlie (00:13)

where are u? I checked the loo but you weren’t there

a guy just hit on tao and he’s so embarrassed lmaooo you should see his face

Charlie (00:25)

nick what’s going on? isaac told me that you left mid-conversation and that you looked upset. are you okay? ❤️

As soon as he’s read Charlie’s texts, a new one comes through.

Charlie (00:29)

please answer me, love. i know you’ve seen my texts now

i just want to know that you’re okay

Fuck. How long has he been freaking out out here? Charlie’s been worrying about him the whole time, and Nick nearly left. A wave of nausea hits him as he realises how selfish the panic made him. He pictures the hurt on Charlie’s face if he was told that Nick left without a word for him, and the self-loathing he feels is so overwhelming that it makes him start retching. Bent over the gutter, he throws up so hard that it pushes even more tears out of his eyes.

He has to keep his end of the deal, Nick decides as he watches a thread of saliva make its way from his lower lip to the rest of his dinner on the ground. Charlie didn’t evade their promise last week − but then again, Charlie’s always been the braver one. Still, Nick promised as well, so he owes him to do the same.

Nick wipes his mouth and focuses on his phone again. His lungs are burning and he can barely see what he’s typing through his tears, but that will have to do it.

Nick (00:34)

I’m so ssorry

It’s too much

I can't brezthe

Pleasde come and get me

Charlie calls him less than five seconds after Nick presses ‘send’ on his last message.

“Nick?! Where are you, baby?” Charlie’s voice is frantic, and guilt makes Nick burst into tears once again. They haven’t used pet names all night because they were worried about their friends hearing them, so Charlie must be really worried about him if he’s using one right now. Nick’s so embarrassed. He sits back on the concrete steps and shoves his head against his knees, praying that people can’t see him as they leave the bar.

“I’m in an alley somewhere… I don’t know… I didn’t go far, I think,” Nick says through a sob. “I’m s-sorry, Char…”

Less than a minute later, Nick already sees Charlie rounding the corner of the building. Even from afar, Nick notices the concern etched on his face. As soon as Charlie finds Nick, a flash of relief lights up his face, and he immediately runs towards him.

“Oh, Nick…” Charlie’s voice is achingly soft as he notices Nick’s state. He kneels in front of him, his eyebrows drawn up by anguish. Nick hates that he’s the one who put this expression on Charlie’s face. He should bring out his lovely dimples, not his glabellar lines. Charlie’s dumortierite eyes scan Nick’s face and the rest of his body in search of an injury, and when he finds none, he cups Nick’s face and gently asks: “Was it the crowd? Was it too much?”

Nick manages to shake his head no, but his face crumbles at the tone of Charlie’s voice. How can he be so patient with him when he’s being this ridiculous? He lowers his face to hide his sobs, but the violent shaking of his shoulders and his hiccuping breaths quickly betray him.

How he wished he could be enough for Charlie. If he was, perhaps he could keep him forever.

“It’s okay, honey, I’m here,” Charlie coos. His thumbs wipe Nick’s damp cheeks soothingly and he kisses his forehead, before getting up and wrapping him in his arms. Nick squeezes Charlie’s waist like a lifeline and buries his face against Charlie’s stomach. There, he feels safe enough to let his tears fall freely. Nick’s still very much panicking, but the trail of Charlie’s fingers in his hair feels incredibly comforting.

It takes him a few minutes, but with Charlie’s help, Nick’s breathing eventually does slow down. Silent tears are still streaming down his face, though he can’t say why he’s crying exactly. He’s feeling hypersensitive, overwhelmed by his conflicted feelings. Relief and paralysing fear are battling for dominance in his chest, like two blood-thristy gladiators. Charlie’s right by his side, though, kissing his hair and whispering sweet words of reassurance in his ear. Nick closes his eyes and lets himself sag against Charlie’s body.

“Can we go home, please?” Nick finally murmurs. His voice is as hoarse as he is exhausted.

“Of course, love,” Charlie answers sweetly. He takes a step back and cradles Nick’s face in his hands again. His features are clouded with worry, but the blue of his eyes is as inviting as ever. Nick could drown in it and rejoice in his own departure. “Let me just go and tell someone.”

Nick’s eyes widen and he abruptly gets away from Charlie’s tender touch. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m being ridiculous right now. I’ll be okay. I know you don’t see them often, you should stay…” Nick wipes his eyes and tries to subdue the shaking of his legs as he gets up, but to no avail.

“Absolutely not,” Charlie replies firmly. He takes a hold of Nick’s hand and tugs at it, guiding him back in his arms. Nick’s resolve leaves him as soon as his skin comes into contact with Charlie’s, and he melts against Charlie’s shoulder. “We’re going home together. I’ll see them when you’re feeling better, not a minute before. Understood?”

💬💬

Charlie’s sheets always smell like him. Since the first time they hugged, Nick has been obsessed with the scent. He likes the vanilla and the coconut very much, but more than that, it’s the knowledge that he’s close enough to Charlie to smell him that makes his stomach flip. Nick nuzzles into Charlie’s pillow and takes a deep breath.

After realising that Nick didn’t want the lads to see him in this state and that Charlie didn’t give a key to his friends, they agreed to go back to Charlie’s. It’s not like half of Nick’s wardrobe isn’t already there, anyway. Nick’s feeling a bit better after brushing his teeth and taking a quick shower to get rid of the filth of the bar, but he’s still a little choked up. He has yet to explain what happened to Charlie, and he isn’t looking forward to it. The younger boy has been nothing but wonderful, though. When Nick came back from his shower, the starry sky projector was on, and a cup of tea was waiting for him on Charlie's bedside table.

Nick wants to see the stars, but he feels too vulnerable to lie on his back so he stays on his stomach and hugs one of Charlie’s pillows. Charlie’s smell soothes him for now, but he feels one breath away from falling apart. He’s been a bit unresponsive since they came back, but the panic is coming back full force now that Charlie’s left his side to shower.

Luckily, Charlie quickly returns. Nick can feel his anxious eyes on him as he lingers in the doorway, but he can’t bring himself to look up towards him. Charlie tentatively comes closer to the bed and with every step he takes, Nick’s body starts trembling more and more. It’s like Charlie is Nick’s very own earthquake. Nick squeezes the pillow harder, but it hardly helps. By the time Charlie’s curled up on his side next to him, Nick has to close his eyes so that he doesn’t meet Charlie’s. He doesn’t think he could bear to see the love in them without welling up again.

“What’s going on, Nick? You’re worrying me…” Charlie murmurs. He lifts his hand gingerly and makes it hover above Nick’s back before going for it. As soon as he feels Charlie’s touch, Nick’s body mollifies.

“It’s not… It’s not serious, or anything,” Nick croaks after a few seconds. “I’m okay. I don’t even know why I’m... I just… I don't know how to tell you,” he finishes lamely.

“Take your time, love. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

The back of Charlie’s finger finds Nick’s cheek then, and his eyes flutter open. Nick is met with the most breathtaking view. Charlie’s expression is completely open, ready to listen to whatever’s plaguing Nick’s mind. He’s biting his lower lip with apprehension, but his pretty eyes are wide with attention. Nick sees his entire life reflected in them. His past and his present, but most of all, his future. Their future. He sees the gems he cherished as a child, as well as the water of the sea in Menorca, where he wants to bring Charlie on holidays. He sees the summer sky under which he got to know Charlie for the first time, and the sheets of their marital bed. Perhaps even the shade of their future baby’s eyes.

Nick loves Charlie so, so much. He can’t even comprehend it, most of the time. He’s spent his whole life resenting himself for feeling things so intensely, but the love he feels for Charlie has surpassed every feeling he’s ever had, and it’s one he never wants to let go of.

Just like he did the night before, Charlie gently caresses Nick’s ear between his thumb and his forefinger. The touch feels so perfectly right that, when it occurs to him that it might be the last time he’ll ever feel it, Nick promptly bursts into tears.

If he loses Charlie tonight, Nick isn’t sure he will ever be able to recover from it.

“Oh, darling…” Charlie gasps, before pressing his lips against Nick’s forehead and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Their position isn’t ideal for this type of embrace, but Charlie makes it work. He always does. “You know you don't have to tell me, right? I can just hold you in silence if that's what you need. I only want you to talk to me about it if it’ll make you feel better.”

“I d-do want to talk to you about it,” Nick hiccups. “It’s just… a bit h-hard.”

“Okay. Come here, baby, you’ll be more comfortable.” Charlie shuffles until he’s lying on his back. He opens his arms and spreads his legs apart so that Nick can cuddle closer. Nick sniffs sadly and moves so that he’s totally surrounded by Charlie’s body.

As soon as Nick’s head touches his chest, the younger boy cradles his shoulders and fondles his hair lovingly. Their bodies fit together perfectly, as if they were moulded to each other’s proportions. Then, Charlie reaches for the sheet and stretches it above their heads. “Here, let’s get under the covers and pretend like we’re inside a pillow fort. A very shitty one, to be sure, but still…”

His comment elicits a surprised laugh from Nick. Coupled with the protection of the sudden darkness, the endearment he feels at Charlie’s thoughtfulness gives him the impulsion to start talking. Nick takes a deep, if shaky breath and takes the plunge.

“You know how we’re not dating, yet?”

“…yeah?” Nick can distinguish a hint of nervousness in his voice, but Charlie remains calm.

“Well. At first, all I could think about was being with you. And, and, it still is, Char!” Nick clarifies anxiously. “I like you so, so much, and nothing sounds better than being with you. I haven't changed my mind about that and I never will.” It seems important to reaffirm this before he goes on. Nick can’t bear the thought of Charlie doubting his love for him. The fact that he doesn’t feel ready to have sex with him doesn’t negate the fact that he belongs to Charlie, body and soul. Charlie seems to sense his sincerity, because his body immediately slackens under him. “It’s just that… I guess… I guess I’ve been feeling a bit relieved about what us waiting a while…. implies.”

“What do you mean?”

Nick swallows with difficulty. Talking about this is especially difficult because he’s hardly let himself think about this before tonight. “Ugh… sorry, it's all a bit hard to say. I’ve never tried to explain it to anyone.”

“Take your time, honey,” Charlie whispers, and Nick’s belly flutters warmly.

“‘Honey.’ I like that.” Nick lifts his head from Charlie’s chest and they share an affectionate smile. “Well.” Nick clears his throat. He’s still crying, but his tears are silent, like he was for years because of the fears he’s been dragging behind him. “I feel like, when you start dating someone, especially when you’re a boy our age, you're kinda expected to just, erm… Have sex a lot? With the person you date, I mean? And I, hm…” Nick’s voice cracks and a blush spreads on his cheeks. Why is this so hard to get it out? “I’ve never really… done anything… And I don't know if I would be… ready for that. I know I’m already twenty-one, and I should be ready, but I guess it scares me a little.”

“Oh, Nick…” Charlie breathes. His embrace tightens around Nick while he gathers his thoughts. When he speaks again, his words are slow and unwavering. “You know I would never, ever pressure you to do anything, right? Even if we were dating properly. There's no obligation, whatsoever. Everyone goes at their own pace, Nick. We could wait months, years before we did anything, and I would be totally fine with waiting…”

Charlie’s tone is so fervent that Nick wants to believe him, but Charlie doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know the extent of Nick’s… peculiarity. “It’s not… it’s not just that. I think I’m not, hm… Isaac used the word ‘allosexual’, I think?” Nick feels impossibly breathless. The iron fist of terror is closing on his throat. “I still want to do… things… with you; like, I really, really liked the hickey, and I think I’d like to do more, but I never… Before you… Let's say I’m not used to those feelings at all, and I find them a bit scary.”

“Oh.” Charlie’s fingers still in his hair and Nick squeezes his eyes shut, preparing for the eventual blow… But it doesn’t come. “That's totally fine, Nick. That’s okay. Are you…” Charlie interrupts himself. When he talks again, his voice has an edge of shyness to it. “Are you attracted to me? Sexually, I mean? It’s okay if you’re not,” he rushes to say.

“No, no, I am. I really am. I’m so into you, it's actually a bit ridiculous…” Nick chuckles wetly, before wiping his right eye bashfully. “I’ll definitely want to do it with you once I’m ready.”

Charlie bends his neck and places a long kiss on Nick’s head, before resuming his gentle hair stroking. The gesture is filled with so much tender affection that Nick feels a months-old knot loosen in his chest. “You know I wouldn’t mind either way, right? Like, I’m definitely attracted to you, but if you didn’t want to do anything with me, ever, then I wouldn’t either. We would still be okay, I promise.”

Nick should have known.

Charlie is his only exception, his soulmate, his coverer of the sky. Of course, he doesn’t think less of Nick for his virginity, or his asexuality. Not only Charlie’s just right for Nick, Nick is just right for Charlie, too. He isn’t lacking anything. He just is, and perhaps if he were different, they wouldn’t be so perfect for each other.

A wave of relief washes over Nick. It’s a powerful feeling; stronger than the tides or the winds, and all-encompassing. Nick is attracted to Charlie, but it’s so good to know that they would be fine even if he wasn’t.

“I am sure,” Nick sniffs. “I find you ridiculously hot, Char. I think about kissing you all the time… And when I - Well. You know. When I’m alone, I think about you, in uh… that way, a lot, as well.” They both blush furiously. “And I guess that’s why I’ve been so confused.”

“What do you mean?” Charlie asks patiently.

“You know Isaac is asexual, right?"

“Yes?”

“Well, he said that he didn’t understand the concept of hall passes when Tara was talking about her crush on Sarah Snook, and I didn't say anything, but I agreed with him. I’ve always thought that hall passes were a myth, an exaggerated joke from movies. I didn’t know that being attracted to someone without even knowing them was a real thing. I didn’t think it was possible, so I didn’t know normal people thought this way.”

“There’s no normal, Nick, whatever you might feel is completely valid.”

“No, I know, I’m sorry,” Nick apologises bashfully. “I know that.”

Charlie taps his shoulder three times, as if to silently say “it’s okay”.

“What did you mean, my love?” The possessive pronoun makes Nick’s heart burst with affection. It’s the first time Charlie’s saying it since that night on the phone, when he was drunk and unaware of what he was saying.

“Even in school,” Nick continues, “when I saw people I liked, when I saw you, I got butterflies and everything, but I never thought about having sex with them. Hell, I barely imagined kissing them. I don’t really know why. It just never occurred to me that it was something that I could want before I was dating the person. It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”

“It’s not my experience, but it’s not weird at all.” Charlie slowly grabs Nick’s hand and kisses it.

“When you sent me that picture the first time, I’d already been crushing on you for a while. And then, I finally saw your face and… Fuck, I’ve always thought you were beautiful, even when we were in school and I didn’t know who you were, but when I saw this pic, I immediately wanted to kiss you. That had never happened before. Not so intensely, anyway.”

Charlie doesn’t make any teasing comment, or try to interrupt. Nick has never felt so listened to before. For the first time in forever, it’s easy to think, which is why it’s so easy to talk.

“I guess I feel a bit ridiculous about realising this now. I think I knew, at the back of my mind, that what I felt was different from most of my mates, for example, but it’d never clicked before now. I didn't want it to click. I was too afraid to admit it. But I can’t deny it, anymore. I think… I think I might be ace. Somewhere on the spectrum, at least.” It feels good to say it out loud. It’s been a long time coming.

“I’m so, so proud of you, Nick.”

Nick huffs. “It took me twenty-one years to fit the pieces together and I still don’t know what I am, exactly. Isn't it pathetic? To think you finally know yourself, just to discover that you didn't know half of it?”

Nick’s always been insecure about all the trouble he’s had finding himself, but Charlie’s having none of it. He props himself up on his elbows and Nick is forced to follow. They sit up so that they’re facing each other and when Nick tries to evade Charlie’s gaze, Charlie blocks him by firmly cupping his face.

“You have no idea of how brave you are, do you?” Charlie asks disbelievingly, his eyes wide with wonder. His face sets in an adorable frown, as if he’s developing a gameplan in his head. Then, he closes his eyes and kisses Nick’s cheek three times, slowly, right at the corner of his mouth. “You grew up in a world where the only thing people expected of you was to fall in love and have sex with women. You spent your formative years with a biphobic brother and a bully of a childhood best friend. And yet, despite all of that, you remained kind and open-minded,” Charlie states fervently as he leans back. “You let yourself have a crush on a boy that your classmates avoided like the plague and you never forced yourself to have sex just to conform to an incredibly harmful societal norm. You’re bi, you’re probably ace, and you allowed yourself to see that in yourself, eventually. Even just now, you were having a full-blown crisis and you found the courage to return my texts, just to honour your promise. So, no, Nick Nelson, I wouldn't call you pathetic. Quite the opposite, actually.”

By the time Charlie’s done talking, the emotion of the night has caught up with Nick, and he’s welling up again. All of his fears, from the justified to the most ridiculous ones, were unfounded. He’s too tired and sensitive to feel the elation that’s in order, but he knows that tomorrow will mark the beginning of a much happier, more peaceful existence for him.

Nick lets out a shaky breath and rests his forehead against Charlie’s, who immediately wraps his arms around him and rubs their noses together. Nick goes to laugh about the sweet gesture, but his lips start quivering uncontrollably until he can’t contain it anymore.

“I was so scared you wouldn't want me anymore if you knew…” Nick admits in a broken whimper, which feels deafening amongst the quiet of their breaths.

“Oh, baby…” Charlie breathes sadly. His eyes fill with tears at the sight of Nick’s, and he quickly guides him to the crook of his neck. He squeezes him with all his might, and in that moment, Nick knows that Charlie will never let anything come between the two of them. The thought makes him cry even more. “You’re the best human being in the whole world,” Charlie whispers passionately, “and there are no words to express how much I care about you. There's nothing you could say that would stop me from wanting to be with you.”

He starts tracing random, soothing shapes on Nick’s back with the tip of his fingers, before stilling. After a second of hesitation, he resumes his movements, and Nick can distinctly recognise three signs against his oversize t-shirt.

I.

<3.

U.

Nick circles Charlie’s waist and kisses his neck chastely, a toothy smile threatening to split his face in two despite his tears.

“Well, nothing like that, anyway,” Charlie adds after a few seconds. “I’m not making any promises if you start talking about murdering puppies in their sleep, but something tells me it isn't very likely…”

“No, it's not…” Nick agrees through a wet giggle.

“See? We're safe, then.” Charlie leans back and lets his hands run from Nick’s shoulders to his hands, which he squeezes reassuringly. “Also…”

“Yeah?”

For the first time of the night, Charlie seems a little insecure. “You know I… You know I haven't done anything yet, either, right?” He looks shy as he’s saying this, as if Nick hasn’t just bared his soul to him.

“…Oh. I wasn’t… I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to assume.” Actually, it kind of makes sense now that he knows about Charlie’s school experience, but he could have met up with guys in the last few months. Nick almost shudders at the thought.

“Yeah,” Charlie laughs nervously. “I’ve kissed a few guys, but I’ve never gone further than that with any of them. So, yes, I want to do stuff with you, and yes, I feel ready for things I’ve never done before, but it doesn't mean that you have to be, too. It especially doesn't mean that I need to do these things immediately. Or ever. I don't even want to say that I’m willing to ‘wait,’ because even if you change your mind and you decide that you don't ever want to do it, it’ll still be fine by me. You’ll always be enough for me, just as you are. You’ll always be worth it, Nick.”

There are no words to express how much Nick loves, admires and respects the man in front of him. If they hadn’t decided that kissing wasn’t on the cards for them before January, he would have taken the leap right then. But since they did, he settles for an umpteenth Eskimo kiss and a heartfelt: “Thank you, Char… Thank you so much…”

“Don't thank me, darling,” Charlie answers softly. “You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Charlie gives a once-over to their intertwined hands, before looking back up, right into Nick’s eyes. Then, he very deliberately squeezes both of Nick’s palms three separate times, like he’s done dozens of times before. “You know what that means for me, right? The squeezes?” He asks with a mix of hope and apprehension in his expression.

“I do,” Nick smiles through the wetness in his eyes. “Mine mean the same as yours,” he murmurs, before squeezing Charlie’s hands in return.

No more words are needed.

Nick slowly brings Charlie’s right hand to his lips and kisses the back of it three times in a row without breaking eye contact. Charlie comes closer, until nothing but their intertwined hands separate both of their mouths. When Charlie kisses Nick’s skin, Nick kisses Charlie’s again in an indirect kiss, and they both know.

Under the Sun, the stars and the moon, and for as long as all of them will shine, Nick and Charlie will always love each other.

Chapter Text

Charlie had known that he had a crush on Nick pretty much the day they met on the Leeds University meeting-up app. A few messages were enough for Charlie to know. Nick was funny, generous with his time, and kindhearted in an old-fashioned way that Charlie almost found jarring after spending years in an all-boys school. The first picture he saw of Nick, smiling adorably next to Nellie’s face, only confirmed what he already suspected: he liked Nick, very much so. Crushing fast on a pretty boy wasn’t unusual for Charlie, after all, but he was so used to repressing his infatuations that carrying a torch powerful enough to set fire to the guarded door of his heart was unfamiliar. Uncomfortable, even. When they met in person, the revelation of the depth of his feelings for Nick was daunting. Charlie’s first year of uni had just started, and he was already in love with a straight boy. His life was ruined.

After they reconciled and Nick had confessed his feelings for him, they started spending more time together and Charlie’s devotion only grew. His confidence in Nick’s affection solidified and his own love deepened and deepened, sinking into the earth like the roots of a thousand-year-old oak tree – ancient and unshakeable. With every passing day, Nick made him aware of just how much he cared for him, and Charlie made sure to do the same in return. It all culminated on the night they went out with Tao, Elle, Isaac, Tara and Darcy, and Nick broke down crying in Charlie’s arms, terrified of getting rejected for a difference that made him all the more beautiful in Charlie’s eyes. The fear in his voice and the fierce grip of his embrace spoke a thousand words – or rather three – their meaning just as clear as the taps they so often exchanged on each other’s skin.

From that moment on, Charlie knew that Nick was in love with him, in the same way he was in love with Nick. Completely and irrevocably.

With all that being said, Charlie doesn’t realise that Nick is the love of his life until a few days later. He’s had an inkling from the very beginning, of course, but he was never sure. He’s never allowed himself to know for sure. His suspicions are confirmed on a random Wednesday, a few days before Nick goes home for the winter holidays.

Charlie knows it will be a bad brain day as soon as he wakes up. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to feel the darkness creeping out from every corner of his room, gnawing at his gut with the appetite of a lone wolf. His mind is foggy and his head is pounding. The shrill howl of his alarm doesn’t help, but he doesn’t have the energy to deactivate it until it dies down on its own. Hours pass like this. He doesn’t even manage to get up to go to class. The semester’s almost done, anyway.

As usual, during these kinds of days, Charlie feels like a failure.

He remains buried under his covers, and tries to shut down the world around him; shut down the voices. He only comes out once, around one. He finds an apple on his desk (which he keeps there for this exact type of emergency), and prepares it methodically. He’s repulsed by the thought of eating an unwashed fruit, but he can’t bring himself to go use the kitchen sink, so he slowly peels the skin off, before cutting the apple in small pieces. An hour later, Charlie’s only managed to force down three quarters of it, and by the time he’s done, he’s even more exhausted than before.

Charlie drifts in and out of sleep for the majority of the afternoon. He gets nightmare after nightmare, and by the time he wakes up, his cheeks are damp and his eyelashes are clumped with tears. When one of his roommates comes to check up on him at the end of the afternoon, Charlie pretends to be asleep. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone until the fog has dissipated. There’s a lump in his throat, and even the knowledge that the boy of his dreams is in love with him – a thought that has never failed to bring a smile to his face before – isn’t enough to make it disappear. Love doesn’t cure mental illness, unfortunately.

It’s already seven p.m. when Charlie’s mind finally clears. He forces himself to take a trip to the bathroom, and checks his phone for the first time today. Unsurprisingly, multiple texts from Nick are waiting for him there.

Nick (8:20)

Good morning lovely! ❤️

T - 19 days!

xxx

Nick (14:13)

Is Darcy spamming you too? I genuinely wonder if she’s sending me *every single tiktok she sees*. Idk how she would manage to send me 70 of them an hour otherwise

I’m never making the mistake of leaving my phone on vibrate during class ever again. My classmates are throwing me some suspicious looks 😭😭

Nick (17:27)

How was your day sweets? Did you forget your phone in your flat lol

Nick (17:28)

Otis just fell on his face in the locker room and he landed head first into his rugby kit, his nose right into his disgusting socks lmaooo

I wish you’d been there to see it, I can’t stop laughing x))))

Nick (19:00)

Are you okay, my love?

At the sight of Nick’s messages, a rush of warmth pierces through the haze that Charlie has been in all day. He doesn’t feel able to draft a text explaining the situation to Nick, but, thankfully, they prepared for this. Charlie only hesitates for a few seconds. Despite everything, despite the fear and the despair, the despondency and the shame burning his insides, there are some wonderful, reassuring facts he doesn’t want to ignore anymore. Charlie's filled with unshakable beliefs that he didn’t carry with him a few weeks before, and he doesn’t see himself ever giving them up now.

Nick loves Charlie, and he will not, under any circumstances, judge him. He won’t make the murkiness go away either, but he will make things better, even marginally. He always does.

Charlie (19:10)

🌧️

The first time Charlie confided in Nick about his mental health problems, Charlie already knew he would have a hard time reaching out to Nick in times of need. So, they established a code. A cloud emoji means that Charlie is having a bad day, but doesn’t feel ready to face anyone. A cloud with rain, like the one he just sent, means that he needs to see Nick even though he doesn’t feel well enough to verbalise it. A cloud with both rain and a lightning bolt means he’s about to do something he might regret later.

Charlie prays he will never have to use this one.

Nick’s answer comes through before Charlie can even lock his phone.

Nick (19:11)

Oh, love…

I’m coming, sweetheart 💙💙💙

Hang on tight, okay?

Nick must have ran to his place, because he’s there less than ten minutes later, letting himself in with the spare key Charlie gave him the weekend before. Charlie can hear him talking to his flatmates, and then, he’s knocking gently at his bedroom door. He opens it slowly, before leaning against the doorway tentatively. His eyes are filled with worry, but the rest of him is as breathtakingly beautiful as it always is.

“Hi, darling…” Nick exhales, and the relief Charlie feels at the sound of his voice is so intense that tears immediately well up in his eyes.

“Hi…” This is the first word he’s pronounced all day, so his voice is raspier than sandpaper. It almost hurts to talk.

Charlie craves Nick’s touch, but he can’t make himself leave his bed. His body feels forty pounds heavier than it actually is, and he feels queasy despite his nearly empty stomach. Thankfully, Nick doesn’t seem to expect him to move. He closes the door behind him and crosses the room, kneels next to the bed and takes Charlie’s hand in his. He slowly kisses the back of it before brushing his thumb against Charlie’s knuckles, one by one.

“What do you need, baby?” Nick murmurs. His amber eyes are wide with genuine willingness. There isn’t any trace of the pity or the disgust Charlie feared he might find in them, and it’s enough for his tears to leave the orbit of his eyes and spill on his cheeks.

Charlie bites his lower lip to stifle a sob and manages a feeble shrug in response to Nick’s question.

“Would you like a hug?” Nick asks softly. He looks hopeful, if a bit desperate to find a way to make Charlie feel better.

Charlie loves him so, so much. It might not be enough to chase away the stifling smoke of depression, but it’s enough to remind him that there’s a world worth experiencing underneath all the acrid mist. He just has to let the wave crash onto him and trust that he’s strong enough not to get swept away with it.

Charlie nods gratefully, and Nick climbs in the bed with him, enveloping his entire body with his. His left arm closes around Charlie’s middle and his right one lodges itself under Charlie’s head, bending at the elbow to reach Charlie’s curls with his fingers. Nick grazes his scalp lightly and Charlie has the fleeting thought that his hair needs washing, but Nick doesn’t seem to care. He continues to lovingly brush his locks away from his face, accompanying each of his strokes with a kiss on the back of his neck. It doesn’t take long for Charlie to fall asleep again.

After an hour or so, Charlie feels slightly better. His head isn’t throbbing anymore, and he’s able to think a little bit more clearly. Getting up sounds difficult still, but less impossible than it has felt all day. Nick asks him if he’s eaten at all since this morning, and the pride Charlie reads on his face when he answers that he has (albeit not a lot) gives him enough strength to sit up and kiss Nick’s cheek. Nick blushes, delightfully shy, and asks him how he feels about eating again.

“I could cook us pasta with the sauce you liked the other day,” he hums sweetly after kissing the inside of Charlie’s palm, which he is stroking and holding in place against his cheek.

Charlie caresses Nick’s skin mindlessly as he ponders the offer. He’s conflicted. He needs to eat, and the dish Nick mentioned is one of his safe foods, but his body still feels as immovable as it did a few hours ago; not to mention the fact that he’d loathe to run into one of his flatmates in this state. Nick has to go to the kitchen though, if only to feed himself, and Charlie can’t bear the thought of letting him out of his sight for a second now that he’s here.

“Alicia and Kyle are out, by the way – they were going out when I got in – so we won’t run into them,” Nick informs him, as if he just read his mind.

Out of excuses, Charlie takes a fortifying breath and nods again, his eyebrows furrowing with determination. When he registers Charlie’s wordless answer, Nick beams so widely that Charlie can feel his cheek hollow under his hand. Nick cups Charlie’s face and kisses his forehead enthusiastically, before turning away and motioning him to climb on his back.

“Your carriage awaits, my lord,” Nick says in a ridiculous voice.

This makes Charlie crack a smile for the first time today. Nick is such a dork. It’s baffling to Charlie that he found someone who can read him so perfectly, and who always does and says the right thing when Charlie himself doesn’t know what he needs. Charlie wraps himself around Nick and kisses the back of his neck. Words still seem out of reach right now, so he hopes this will be enough for Nick to understand his gratitude.

When they reach the kitchen, Nick deposits him on the countertop and quickly gets to work. He stops every so often to hug Charlie, tuck one of his curls behind his ear or kiss his cheeks, until Charlie feels like he’s slowly coming back to himself. When they eat, Nick talks about his day in an uninterrupted monologue, which distracts Charlie from the fact that he only manages to scarf down half of his small plate in the same length of time Nick gets a second helping and a piece of cake that Charlie never got around to eating the day before. Still, it’s more food than Charlie has ever eaten during a bad day before, and he tries to feel pleased at the realisation. Nick certainly feels proud enough for the both of them, if his radiant expression is anything to go by, but Charlie wants to let himself rejoice too.

After they’re done, Nick puts on some relaxing music and washes their plates so that Charlie won’t have to deal with dirty dishes tomorrow morning. Charlie loves him so fucking much. It’s a thought that he can’t get rid of these days, and he wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a boomerang of a notion, and it hits him in the face with every reminder.

Charlie doesn’t have to ask Nick to stay the night – he was never intending on leaving in the first place. Nick doesn’t make a fuss about it, even if it wasn’t planned and he’s got an early class tomorrow morning. Actually, he manages to make it seem like Charlie’s doing him a favour by letting him sleep with him tonight. Nick puts on his glasses, gathers Charlie on his chest, buries his free hand in his curls, and reads to him until the younger man falls asleep to the soothing lilt of his voice.

The boomerang of Charlie’s affection comes back full force and nearly knocks him over.

The following morning, the fog is gone, replaced by the clear, starry sky of Nick’s freckled arms, tightly wrapped around Charlie’s body. It’s still early, according to his phone, which Nick made sure to plug in yesterday night alongside his. Charlie takes a deep breath and replays yesterday’s events in his mind’s eye. In his distress, he didn’t even stop to think about what Nick would think before calling him over. Charlie asked for his help without hesitation, and Nick was there for him, no question asked. He didn’t treat him like a wounded animal but he was still sensitive about his relationship with food and didn’t try to push anything onto him. Charlie can’t believe how far he’s come. A few months ago, he would have craved Nick’s company, but he would have feared the worst. He would have died before he ever purposely showed this side of himself to Nick.

Luckily, things have changed. Charlie trusts Nick now. Best of all, Nick proved that he is right to do so.

Nick wakes up a few minutes after Charlie. He flexes his arms as he begins to stir, until Charlie is completely pressed against his chest. He takes a big breath in the crook of Charlie’s neck as he regains consciousness, and Charlie’s hair bristles when Nick’s exhales hit the back of his head.

“Hi,” the gentle giant croaks. Charlie smiles to himself at the sound of his husky voice, before turning around despite Nick’s soft moans of protest. As soon as they’re facing each other, Nick wraps his arms around Charlie again, and leans in to kiss his forehead.

For a moment, Charlie almost forgets why Nick spent the night. He can almost believe that they’re a normal couple, sleeping in each other’s arms for the sole reason that they love each other; but Nick is a considerate non-boyfriend, so, of course, the illusion doesn’t last.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” he asks when his eyes have lost their blurriness. As soon as Charlie hears the question, everything comes crashing down. Despite his progress, Charlie can’t help but feel sheepish about what happened last night. He’s getting better at asking for help, but it doesn’t mean that he’s left behind all of his reticence about it.

It takes Charlie a beat too long to answer but, when he mumbles that he’s feeling better now, Nick murmurs that he’s glad, and doesn’t push it. Charlie continues to think about it, though. He snuggles up against Nick’s chest and, after a few minutes, his eyes start burning with the familiar sting of tears. His hold tightens around Nick’s shoulders.

“Sometimes, I just worry that I will never be able to lead a normal life, you know?” Charlie admits shakily. Nick slowly moves back so he can get a better view of him, but his arms still encircle Charlie’s waist. When they’re face to face again, Charlie avoids Nick’s eyes, certain that his tears will start flowing if he catches sight of the blonde’s worried gaze. “I know that it’s not just me being lazy and that it is an illness, technically, but the end result is the same, isn’t it? It’s not like I’ll be able to hide in my room every time I feel like it once I’m working. I’ve been having bad days for years, shouldn’t I be able to shake it off by now?”

Charlie can’t stop the thread of his fears from unspooling at an alarming rate now that he’s started to tug at it. He forces himself to shut his mouth, but his mind is still reeling. The questions grow and multiply like splitting cells, until they plague his entire brain.

It’s a miracle that Nick hasn’t freaked out yet. If this isn’t enough to make him believe that there’s something wrong with him, then Charlie doesn’t know what will.

Nick’s face morphs in a frown, as if he’s hearing Charlie’s thoughts in real time. He looks pained and a bit pensive, the solid honey of his eyes cracking with hurt. Nick lifts his hand, then, and caresses Charlie’s face tenderly. His thumb traces the arch of his eyebrow like one traces the letters of an ancient scripture: with love, care, and a reverence reserved for all things holy.

“Did you know that I hurt my knee pretty badly at rugby camp when I was twelve?” Nick says after a while, apropos of nothing.

Charlie shakes his head, taken aback by the sudden change of topic.

“I can still play, and I forget about it most of the time,” Nick continues, “but sometimes the pain flares up out of the blue and I can’t leave my bed for three days straight. Would you judge me for it if it happened tomorrow? Would you say that I should just shake it off and power through my day like nothing’s wrong?”

Charlie furrows his eyebrows. Nick’s thumb migrates to his forehead, before he replaces it with his index finger.

“Well, no, obviously not…”

“Your brain is like my knee,” Nick explains. “Sometimes it’s fine,” he starts tracing soothing circles, “and sometimes it starts hurting for no reason.” He taps Charlie’s forehead delicately. “Just because your pain isn’t physical doesn’t mean that you have any kind of power over it. I know it must be easy to feel guilty about it, but you don’t need to, sweetheart. I promise.”

Fucking hell. This is Nick Nelson for you, making Charlie feel emotional before seven in the morning. Damn his infallible kindness and his limitless empathy that he can’t help but inflict upon others. Charlie can’t hold back his tears anymore. He lowers his head, like his face is weighed down by the salty water running down his cheeks.

In truth, Charlie knows he’s doing better. He also knows that his mental illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of ; Geoff, the therapist who followed him as a teenager until he retired and Charlie abandoned therapy as a whole, made him well aware of that. And yet, Charlie remains scared. The whole world isn't as gracious as Nick.

“But how can I care for others when I can barely care for myself?” Charlie asks in a terrified murmur. “What if - What if I have kids someday, and I can’t even get out of bed to take care of them?”

Charlie’s breathing stutters when Nick hooks his finger under his chin, slowly lifting his face until they’re eye to eye. The earthy brown of his irises calls to the ocean blue of Charlie’s, like a harbour’s wooden deck, standing strong under the onslaught of the waves.

When Nick pronounces his next sentence, his expression is calm and unwavering, as if he isn’t tilting Charlie’s entire world off its axis with a few carefully chosen words.

“I’ll take care of our kids when you have a bad day if you promise to stop them from jumping on me when my knee is killing me, alright?”

Without waiting for a response, Nick bends to kiss Charlie’s forehead – right where it hurts the most – and this is when Charlie finally knows. Nick is his forever. He’s his soulmate, his star-crossed lover, his one true love; like the one Nick described in theatre class when talking about Romeo and Juliet. He’s his future, his other half, the man he will marry and have children with. What Charlie saw as an unrequited fantasy is now a reality, a plan for a future they both envision in the same way. He knows it’s foolish to believe so fiercely, especially at nineteen years-old, but he doesn’t care.

There’s not a single doubt left in Charlie’s mind. He’s finally ready to become Nick’s boyfriend. He’s dying to, actually.

💬💬

Nick’s leaving for Kent on a Saturday. Charlie still has one week left in Leeds because his end-of-term exams take place a week after his, so they aren’t able to go home together for the Christmas holidays, much to their chagrin. They haven’t seen each other since Charlie’s blip because rugby training and revision sessions got in the way, which is why they’re making the most of this afternoon together before Nick has to catch his train in the early evening.

Maybe not seeing each other was for the best, Charlie muses as he realises how hard it is to keep himself from kissing Nick. He fears he will get addicted to Nick’s lips once he has had a taste, and figures that going the next few days without it will be easier if he hasn’t kissed Nick in the first place. Even Eskimo kisses are a no-go now because bringing their mouths so close together is a risk Charlie’s not willing to take.

The urge to be close to Nick has always been strong, but it’s been unrelenting lately. After his last worries about dating were assuaged, Charlie considered giving in and finally making him his boyfriend, but uni life managed to catch up with them. Charlie almost rolls his eyes at the irony. They’ve been holding back for months, only for the world to put a spoke in their wheel now that they both feel ready to take the plunge.

From what Charlie can tell, Nick is struggling as much as he is. His adoration is written all over him. It’s clear as day in the way he looks, listens and talks to Charlie. Obvious from the way he has a hard time letting go after a hug; blatant from how his eyes linger when they catch sight of Charlie’s lips. Charlie is, once again, so in love with him. Most of the time, he feels like he could burst with it. Saying it out loud is out of the question, of course, so he settles for hand squeezes. Nick seems to favour this method as well. They’ve been holding hands constantly this afternoon, just so they can tell each other “I love you” at any given moment. They’re sickeningly maudlin, and Charlie loves it more than he ever thought he would.

The weather is unusually nice for a Saturday in December, so they decided to head over to Woodhouse Moor Park for a few hours before they have to leave for the train station. It’s where their first unofficial date took place – where this non-relationship began, in a way – so it felt natural to go back today. Charlie takes a deep breath of fresh air. It feels nice to study outside for a change.

Charlie’s sat, leaning against a tree trunk and rereading some flashcards. His hand is raking through Nick’s hair distractedly, while the older boy is asleep on his lap, having conked out a mere twenty minutes after they arrived. Charlie knows he will be mad at himself for falling asleep on their last afternoon together – Nick’s been endearingly sad about leaving Charlie behind for a week, since it’s the first time they will be separated since they made up – but Charlie can’t bring himself to wake him. Nick looks breathtakingly beautiful, like Narcissus’ reflection, or Eurydice’s face: a damning sight you would happily sacrifice yourself for. His blonde hair is almost ginger in the sun (Nick pouts every time Charlie calls him a redhead, which is why Charlie never misses an opportunity to do it, even in his head), and his pretty freckles are visible for the first time in weeks. Charlie has missed them dearly and has to actively stop himself from peppering kisses on every single one of them. Nick needs the rest. He’s been overworking himself lately, cramming revision sessions after intense rugby training while planning his holidays with his mum. Now that he’s done with his exams, the least Charlie can do is let him sleep against him.

A smile tugs at Charlie’s lips when he notices Nick’s slightly parted mouth, and he realises he’s totally stopped studying for a while in favour of admiring the man he loves. He checks his watch before setting down his flashcards next to him. After all, he’d rather spend their last hour together watching Nick than rereading book references he already knows by heart. Charlie mindlessly plucks a few daisies from the grass around him and tucks them in Nick’s hair, giggling softly to himself at the result. The flowers look weirdly fitting amongst the milky coffee-coloured strands. Nick should wear them all the time.

Charlie is in the middle of crafting a daisy chain ring for Nick – he knows it’s incredibly sappy, but he doesn’t care because he knows he’ll love it – when the latter starts to stir. His eyebrows furrow, and he buries his head a little more against Charlie’s belly. The boy’s stomach clenches with an affection so intense it winds him a little bit.

“I love you, so, so much,” Charlie murmurs, tracing Nick’s forehead and pushing his fringe back with the tip of his index finger. Then, he looks at the daisy ring, eyes a bit misty, and breathlessly adds: “I'm going to marry you, someday.”

“Hmm…”

Charlie freezes under Nick, afraid he heard the mortifying sentence he just uttered, but a minute passes and Nick doesn’t wake up. Charlie sags in relief against the tree and resumes his head massage with his right hand, while holding one of Nick’s with his left one. After a moment of hesitation, he puts his flower ring on Nick’s pinky, not bold enough to put it on his ring finger.

“Je peux pas te le dire… J’ai pas le droit,” Nick suddenly mumbles. (I can’t say it to you. I’m not allowed to.)

Oh my god. Is Nick dreaming in… French?

Charlie hasn’t heard a single French word come out of Nick’s mouth since last September when he tried to teach him some sentences at Tara’s party. Now that he has, Charlie doesn’t want to go another week without hearing it again.

“C’est les étoiles qui me l’ont dit,” Nick continues. “Hmmm… Je te veux trop. Ça m’a fait peur, tu sais…” (The stars are the ones who told me. I want you too much. It scared me, you know...)

Charlie’s heart is pounding. He doesn’t understand what Nick is saying, but it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t make a difference to Charlie if Nick was reciting his shopping list: his tummy always erupts with butterflies when he hears him speak the language of love. Furthermore, the fact that the unconscious part of his brain manifests itself in French is incredibly sexy to Charlie. His mind drifts away, and he starts to wonder if Nick would be likely to let French words escape in other, perhaps more intimate, situations as well…

Charlie has to clear his throat and shake his head vigorously to dispel the inappropriate images already forming in his head. The weight of Nick on his lap isn’t helping his flustered state but, after a few minutes of taking deep breaths, staring right ahead and caressing Nick’s soft hair, he feels himself regaining his senses. That is, until a rush of wind blows away one of his flashcards. Thankfully, it doesn’t take it far, but Charlie’s hand still jolts from Nick’s to catch it, and Nick immediately senses the change, even though he’s still passed out.

“Non, mon coeur, pars pas. Please, Char…”, he whines, and Charlie’s entire being goes up in flames. (No, *sweetheart, don’t leave. Please, Char… *literally: my heart)

Nick called him “mon coeur.” “My heart.” He has never called him that before. Charlie’s almost thankful Nick did it unconsciously for the first time, because he feels very close to fainting right now. The French pet name feels heart-stopping. It’s the amalgamation of every single one of Charlie’s dreams and fantasies; it’s the mix of inherently French sexiness and deep emotional intimacy. The foreign language brings out a new meaning to the word, and in turn, to their relationship. They’re each other’s organs now, the rush in their blood flow, the beating of their heart.

The notion makes Charlie’s head spin. His cheeks are prickling hot, as scalding and iridescent as the love burning his chest, and when Nick finally surfaces ten minutes later, Charlie’s heart is still beating erratically.

“Oh, no, I fell asleep…” Nick grumbles against Charlie’s lap. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you touch my hair. It’s deadly.”

Charlie barely listens to him. He’s still buzzing with giddy excitement, and craves the confirmation that Nick gives him sweet pet names in his sleep.

“What did you dream about?”

“…Why?” Nick asks hesitantly, getting up on one arm and rubbing his eyes with his fist like a toddler.

“Come on, what did you dream about?” Charlie insists. He’s probably looking a little mad, biting his lip in anticipation and vibrating in his seat, but he can’t help it.

“I dreamt about you,” Nick finally admits with a blush and an eyeroll, before grinning teasingly. “You even had a face, this time…”

Charlie is not proud of it, but he lets out an honest to god squeal at the revelation.

“What?” Nick chuckles, although the confusion is obvious on his face.

“You were talking in your sleep.”

All traces of laughter leave Nick’s expression at once. “Oh god, what did I say?” He asks in a panic, straightening up faster than lightning and searching Charlie’s face frantically.

“I don’t know!”

“What do you mean, you don’t know??”

“I don’t know, you were speaking French!” Charlie giggles excitedly. He can't believe he hasn’t asked Nick to speak French in front of him since September. He doesn’t know why it does it for him, but it really, really does.

Understandably, Nick looks totally dumbfounded by the state of him. His eyes zero in on Charlie's blushing cheeks and a slow smile blooms on his face. "What’s going on with you?"

“Nothing!”

“I'm sure it's not nothing, I’ve never seen you smile this wide before!” Nick splutters, before squishing Charlie’s face and kissing each of his cheeks.

Charlie's blush turns crimson and his eyes fly to the trees above Nick's shoulder, unable to meet the boy's gaze. After a minute of unrelenting pleas from Nick, Charlie huffs with fake annoyance and finally caves, mumbling so low that it's a miracle Nick hears him at all. “You called me ‘mon coeur,’ and it’s kind of a turn-on, okay?”

Nick is stunned for a second. Then, he lets out a surprised laugh that's so loud, some birds fly away from the nearby trees. “Oh my god, Char!!!!”

“Don’t laugh at me!” Charlie groans, mortified.

“Je me moque pas, mon coeur, t’es juste adorable !” Nick replies, clearly laughing, and Charlie's heart continues to do cartwheels at the use of the term of affection. (I’m not laughing at you, mon coeur, you’re just adorable!)

“You twat…” Charlie pouts and swats at Nick half-heartedly. Nick takes it as a declaration of war, apparently, because the next thing he knows, Charlie is knocked over on the grass, trapped against the ground by a giant rugby lad attacking his entire face with rapid kisses. Charlie screeches happily and shakes his head, trying to escape, but he knows he is done for as soon as Nick starts tickling him.

His screeching laughter feels deafening to his own ears, but Nick doesn’t seem fazed, so Charlie doesn’t care either. Just three days ago, he was stuck in his bed, held back from life by the cruel claws of depression and now, he’s trying not to succumb to his own euphoria. It feels surreal to be squirming on a blanket that Nick’s lovely mum bought for him, being kissed by a boy who loves him, even in his dreams. The wind keeps on blowing through his curls, but Charlie doesn’t feel the cold. Nick’s hands are scorching on him, and Charlie wants to disintegrate in their warmth. He wants to get embedded in his skin, melt against Nick’s body until they become one single entity, united and ready to take on the world as a team.

They wrestle playfully until Nick blows a loud raspberry against Charlie’s neck, and Charlie pushes him away with an affronted gasp. Nick loses his balance as he bursts in peels of laughter, which allows Charlie to flip them over and straddle him. He pins Nick to the ground and hovers over his face with their noses almost touching, his eyes fixed on Nick’s pink lips.

“Stop it or I’ll kiss your mouth, pretty boy,” Charlie teases in a whisper. A shiver runs through Nick’s entire body. His amber eyes darken and glaze over, travelling south until splotches of red colour his cheeks. Charlie lowers his head and notices that his t-shirt has ridden up slightly during their tumble, revealing a flash of pale skin and the jutting bone of his left hip. Nick looks transfixed by the sight of it. His gaze remains stuck there for a moment but, when he looks back at Charlie’s face a beat later, his expression has cleared. His lips morph in a shy, downturned smile, and his eyes shine with unabashed affection. Even his freckles seem to spell his unending love for Charlie.

“What?” Charlie breathes softly, rendered breathless by the look of pure adoration on Nick’s face. He should be used to it by now – Nick has never been stingy with compliments and declarations – but he’s a bit thrown off by this sudden change of demeanour, not knowing what caused Nick to go from playful, to aroused, to disgustingly smitten. He seems almost apprehensive now, overwhelmed by a wave of emotion that Charlie can physically see crashing over him.

Nick gulps, wets his lips, and finally confesses: “I just realised that you were both my bi and my demi awakening, is all.” His tone is light but his voice catches in his throat at the end of the sentence, and it’s obvious from the way his eyes widen that this discussion is important to him.

It takes a second for Charlie to realise what Nick is saying. As soon as understanding dawns on him though, he becomes a bit misty-eyed and a small smile lights up his features. Nick is coming out to him as demi-sexual. It’s been exactly a week since they went out and Nick and Isaac talked about asexuality together, and Nick’s figured it out already. Now more than ever, Charlie is in awe of him.

Nick tells him that this discussion hasn’t been the catalyst of his crisis, but rather the key to an enigma that used to keep him up at night. He tells Charlie that thanks to Isaac’s enlightening explanations and a couple of nights scrolling through the AVEN website, he was quick to find some answers. He’s only attracted to Charlie because he only has feelings for him. As simple as that.

All of a sudden, Charlie’s hit by the enormity of his own feelings. Charlie’s love is a pulsing force, overriding the wind and the beating of his heart. There is attraction in the mix, of course there is, but there is so much genuine affection, appreciation, and admiration there as well. He’s never felt like this for anyone else before. No other crush has ever come close to what he feels for this man. No other human has proven to be as kind, as good as Nick Nelson, and Charlie can’t wrap his head around the fact that in sixteen days, he’s going to become his. Time is circular, and with every round around-the-clock, Charlie returns to the same conclusion; the one, inevitable conclusion of his life: he keeps falling in love with Nick, again and again, and he never wants the fall to end – no matter how violent the landing might be.

Charlie might die if he doesn’t touch Nick in some way. He wants to snog the life out of him, give him a kiss that says “Thank you for existing, thank you for being so brave, and thank you for loving me,” but he settles for an embrace and a kiss on every surface of Nick’s face that he can reach. Once he’s sure that the wonderful man in front of him isn’t nervous about his reaction anymore, he decides to tease him to deflect attention from his own overwhelming emotions.

“I thought Paul Mescal was your bi awakening, though?” Charlie asks mischievously, like the menace he so often is in Nick’s company.

“Oh, fuck off,” Nick scolds with a surprised laugh. He rolls his eyes and gets off of Charlie’s embrace, crossing his arms like a disgruntled child, though his grin betrays him.

“I mean, you just went from one pair of blue eyes to another…” Charlie continues to tease, wiping his hands on his jeans as he gets up on his feet.

“He was the one who made it click, but I definitely noticed you before!” Nick protests, still pouting from his spot on the ground.

“Right, my bad. I was your ‘straight ally’ awakening,” Charlie throws behind his shoulder, walking away from Nick.

“I’m gonna need you to shut up now!”

Charlie should have known better than to poke fun at a rugby player. In one fell swoop, he’s being tackled from behind; but instead of hurtling towards the grass, he’s quickly lifted in Nick’s arms, transported bridal style before he can even comprehend what’s happening to him. Nick makes him twirl and pretends to drop him every time Charlie screams at him to put him down.

“That’s what you get for being a menace after I come out to you,” he says when he finally lets Charlie down, his eyes sparkling with mischief. He wraps his arms around Charlie’s waist, keeping him close.

“I’m so proud of you,” Charlie says softly, swiping his thumb on the scattered freckles he finds on Nick’s cheek. “You have no idea.”

“Shut up…” Nick blushes and the freckles disappear in the eclipse. He rests his forehead against Charlie’s shoulder and hides his smile there.

“No, I really mean it,” Charlie insists. For how much he likes to be a little shit, he wants to make sure Nick knows how he genuinely feels about this. “I’m so happy you’re understanding yourself better. You're the most wonderful human being I’ve ever known and it makes me so happy to see you be so unapologetically yourself.”

Nick’s eyes are glistening when he lifts his head again. He stares at Charlie’s face with gratitude and reverence, and gapes at him for a while, at a loss for words. After a second, Nick cups Charlie’s face and kisses his forehead delicately. Charlie closes his eyes and lets himself feel the warmth spreading from his head to the tip of his toes, his whole body liquefying under Nick’s touch. He relishes in the feeling of safety that Nick’s large hands, encasing his whole face with his two palms, provide him. When Nick leans back, his eyes get stuck on his own pinky, and when he looks back towards Charlie, he’s welling up for good.

“You made me a ring while I was asleep?! Char!!”

Refusing to cry again, Nick shakes his head and carries Charlie in a fireman lift, throwing him over his shoulders like he weighs nothing at all.

“Hey!? What is that for?! I was being nice!” Charlie screeches. He wants to roll his eyes at the fact that Nick’s primary expression of affection consists of lifting him off the ground but, if he’s totally frank, he can’t say that he minds being manhandled by his big, strong, rugby lad of a non-boyfriend.

“That’s for making me cry again, I’ll turn into a puddle if you don’t stop being so swee- Oh!” Nick stops walking abruptly and raises his hand in the air, palm turned towards the sky.

“What?” Charlie’s still dangling on Nick’s shoulders, and his field of vision is obstructed by Nick’s round bum, which, despite being a very nice view, isn’t a very informative one.

“Do you have an umbrella, by any chance?”

Fuck. Charlie should have guessed that a whole day of sun in December, in England, of all places, was too good to be true. Charlie was too busy teasing his non-boyfriend for crushing on blue-eyed individuals to notice that the weather was turning, and now, they’re going to get caught under the rain if they don’t hurry up.

The bad weather seems to ignite Nick’s fight or flight response because he starts running towards the nearest bus stop before he’s even put Charlie down.

“Nick, what are you doing?!”

“I’m saving us from the rain!” Nick bellows dramatically, and Charlie bursts out laughing. Once he’s started, it seems impossible to stop. He’s shaken in all directions while Nick is running and his face regularly smashes against Nick’s arse. The skies are opening up above them, and yet Charlie’s cheeks are only wet from his cries of laughter.

“It’s rain, Nick, not acid!” Charlie hiccups, but Nick ignores him. He continues to run across the park at top speed and starts screeching when they hear a clap of thunder in the distance.

“Nick,” Charlie gasps at last, and Nick finally listens.

“What?”

“We have to go back, we forgot my flashcards!!”

💬💬

Charlie is fucking pissed. First, he could have shared a cinematic kiss in the rain with Nick if it wasn’t for their stupid no-kiss rule. Second, Nick is leaving, and Charlie still has a week of exams ahead of him before they can reunite in Kent. Third, his clothes are soaking wet. That’s what he gets for messing around in the rain with the person he loves, apparently.

Life is really unfair, sometimes.

Charlie almost considers buying a ticket so that he can have access to the platform of Nick’s train, but thinks better of it when he realises how insane that would be. He can say goodbye to Nick in the station hallway and use the money to find him a nice Christmas gift.

“Too bad you couldn’t cover me from the sky, this time…” Nick whispers against Charlie’s wet neck with a crooked grin. They’re hugging so tightly that Charlie has to stand on the tip of his toes to stay upright. Charlie knows they look like an insufferable couple right now, standing in the middle of the busy station, but he doesn’t care. Every worry melts away under the warmth of Nick’s affection.

“What?”

“Nothing. Promise me you’ll write.”

“You’re not going to war, Nick, we’re only staying apart for a week…” Charlie giggles. Nick juts his lips out, sulking as if Charlie just suggested cutting contacts for a month. Charlie feels his face softening despite himself. “Of course, I’ll write to you, you lemon.”

Nick looks satisfied by his answer, but it doesn’t last. He frowns with concern and buries his hands in Charlie’s hair, scratching his scalp lightly. “And don’t put too much pressure on yourself about your exams, alright?”

“Well, I can’t promise that,” Charlie retorts. “You know I’m a professional worrier.”

“You are, but you’re also the biggest nerd I know, so no need to worry, okay? You’ll ace your tests and blow everyone away; teachers will start quoting you in their research papers…”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’m a genius,” Charlie jokes with an affectionate eye roll.

“You are!” Nick agrees, no trace of irony detectable in his heartfelt answer.

“And you are a first-class dork.”

“Uh, mean?!” Nick gasps dramatically, before grabbing Charlie’s waist and lifting him off the ground in retaliation. Charlie squeaks and wraps his legs around Nick reflexively. He clutches Nick’s shoulders and tries to regulate his heart rate, which skyrocketed when Nick picked him up out of the blue.

For the second time today, Charlie feels like he’s in a romantic movie. He feels a blush spreading on his cheeks at the clear display of Nick’s strength. The man’s carrying a gigantic bag on his back and Charlie on his front like it’s nothing. Passers-by are staring and Charlie can’t say that he loves the attention, but he doesn’t mind it as much for once. He’s the one in the arms of the pretty, golden-hearted boy. His is the only face Nick’s going to see in the familiar landscapes rushing past the train window.

“I’ll miss you though,” Nick whispers in Charlie’s neck, before kissing the spot like one seals a letter.

“I’ll miss you too… So much.” Charlie holds the back of Nick’s head to keep his face in his neck and kisses his hair fervently.

“We’ll see each other soon. And in sixteen days…”

“We’ll be boyfriends. Fucking finally.”

After Nick’s train starts, Charlie’s phone vibrates in his jeans’ pocket before he’s even found his way out of the station.

Nick (19:16)

Guess what?

Charlie (19:16)

what love?

Nick (19:17)

I miss you already :(

Charlie lets out a chuckle and shakes his head fondly. He sure is going to miss his ridiculous non-boyfriend too.

💬💬

Nick (9:31)

Bonjour mon coeur 💙

T - 15 Days!!

Charlie (9:31)

🫣🫠🫠

and look at you counting down like a pro 🤩 you’re not allowed to say you suck at maths anymore!!

Nick (9:33)

Give me something to look forward to and suddenly I’m freaking Stephen Hawking 😎

Charlie (9:34)

Stephen Hawking was an astrophysicist, honey, not a mathematician 😆

Nick (9:34)

So what, don’t you think he knew how to count??

Charlie (9:35)

🤣🤣

💬💬

Charlie (7:02)

T - 13 days

fucking hell

Nick (8:13)

Is everything okay?

Charlie (8:14)

i can’t wait, is all

i dreamt that I was kissing you

Nick (8:14)

Oooohhhh

What was it like? 😏

Charlie (8:15)

if i tell you, i’m gonna have to kill you

Nick (8:15)

Ha. Ha. 😑

Charlie (8:17)

no, for real, this is way too sappy for me

like, blackmail material bad

you have to swear on your dogs that you’ll never repeat this to anyone

Nick (8:19)

Croix de bois, croix de fer, si je mens, je vais en enfer ! 😇

Charlie (8:19)

??

whatever you say, pretty boy 😳🫠

Nick (8:19)

😂

I said “cross my heart and hope to die!”

Charlie (8:20)

good

well

when we kissed

(in my dream)

you tasted like sunshine and everything in my head was finally quiet

I woke up crying like a loser 🤦‍♂️🥲

Nick (8:21)

Awwww sweetness 🥹🥹💙💙💙💙💙

I can’t wait either xxxxx

How do I squeeze your hand from here?

Because I want to squeeze it really hard rn

3 times in a row, to be specific

Okay, I’m doing it mentally, can you feel it??

Charlie (8:21)

is this how you sext, nick? 🤭

Nick (8:21)

I might be ace but I’m not a prude. You'll know it when I'll be sexting, you minx 😘

Charlie (8:22)

i can’t wait, darling 🤭😘

💬💬

Nick (13:21)

Good luck for your classics exam, mon coeur 💙 I know this one in particular is stressing you out, but you know your stuff and your papers are always brilliant, so this should be a piece of cake. The exam should be afraid of YOU 😈

Nick (13:28)

And even if you *did* fail (which I’m not believing for a second), I would still think you’re the smartest person on the planet, so, there. 😊

Nick (14:31)

You should be halfway through by now. I’m sending you good vibes and positive energy. 🌬️🔆✴ I hope you can feel them!

Nick (15:35)

Okay, I think you should be out by now. Text me as soon as you can/want, okay? xxx

Charlie (15:45)

calling you in 5 😁

Nick (15:46)

Amazing 😊

💬💬

Nick (15:16)

Nellie says hi!! She’s ready for Christmas 🤭

Charlie (15:20)

hi my looooveeee!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Nick (15:20)

I thought I was your love? 🥺

Charlie (15:21)

omg you’re so wet

she's my favourite Nelson and she knows it 🤭

Nick (15:22)

My mum will be very upset about that! She loves you already 😊

Charlie (15:23)

your mum knows about me?

Nick (15:25)

Of course, she does

I started telling her about you in July, I think

Is that okay?

Charlie (15:26)

of course, it’s okay! I just didn’t expect it, i guess? idk

definitely happy about it, though, so stop worrying. I can feel you stressing from here 💛🫂

Nick (15:28)

Okay, good, because that makes what I’m about to ask way less awkward 😅

Charlie (15:28)

?

Nick (15:29)

She knows you're coming back soon and she wants to meet you. I said I would ask you if you wanted to come for tea sometime next week?

I didn’t want to put the pressure of a full dinner on you and I knew your mum wouldn’t let you out of her sight the first weekend you're back

Charlie (15:30)

it’s almost frightening how well you know me (and my mum) 😳

i would love to meet her, nick. tysm for offering ❤️❤️

(also it's not frightening, it's sweet. I love how thoughtful you are 😘)

💬💬

Nick is glad he’s passed all of his exams before getting back home. His last week before the holidays was so packed that he almost fell asleep while stretching after a particularly gruelling training session, but it was totally worth it, because now, for the first time in months, he gets to enjoy two whole weeks off at home without having to worry about anything uni-related. So far, he’s been splitting his time between hanging out with his mum, taking Nellie and Henry out to the park and texting Charlie. For the first few days – and despite the intermittent snowing – Nick felt like he was back in August, when he was still getting to know Charlie over the phone between two shifts at his local cinema. Yet, so much has changed since then.

Last summer, Nick built the foundations of his affection for Charlie. It had a sturdy wooden frame, but it was barren, inhospitable. Thankfully, the house of his love had grown over the last few months; he added a few windows to let the light in and a fireplace to keep them warm. Now, Nick’s love is finally a home in which they both can live.

The first Sunday after he came back, Nick woke up in his childhood bedroom and realised that his environment was just like he was before meeting Charlie: bland and characterless. Apart from the bisexual flag that his mum had bought for him when he came out and his string of fairy lights – which he quite liked, thank you very much – his decoration was dull at best (seriously, who the fuck owns a generic “rugby” poster?!). Thus, Nick decided it was time to change it to reflect the person that he actually was. Enthused by his new project, he took advantage of the family printer and printed out his favourite pictures from his time in uni. There were a few group pictures with Sahar, Tara and Darcy, out on a terrace for their Sunday brunch or in a dark pub for a Queer Intentions show; and then some with Sai, Christian and Otis, mainly selfies taken after one too many drinks. Unsurprisingly though, the vast majority were photographs of Nick and Charlie – including the selfie Nick convinced Charlie to set up as his lockscreen. Charlie even appeared alone on some of them. Nick printed all of his pics twice and saved the duplicates for his uni bedroom. Then, he put the photos all over his bedroom walls, choosing to stick the ones with Charlie on the spot above his bed, so that they could be the first thing he would see every morning from now on, for lack of the real thing.

Nick spent the rest of the day bouncing on his feet, waiting for his mum’s return. He played fetch with Nellie in the garden, but he kept getting distracted by traffic noises, thinking that it was Sarah’s car pulling up in the driveway. Nick had an idea, and he needed his mum to help him make it happen. As soon as she came back from work, Nick pounced on her, babbling about picture frames and dried flowers. A very emotional Sarah helped him as he gushed about Charlie extensively, and less than an hour later, Nick was placing his new favourite decorative element on his desk: a picture frame filled with a daisy ring and dried, yellow chrysanthemum that he’d carefully kept between two pages of an old science book until then.

That afternoon was the first time Sarah mentioned that she wanted to meet Charlie, but it certainly wasn’t the last. She broached the subject at least once a day after that, especially as she helped Nick pick Charlie’s Christmas gift at the local outdoor market. Of course, Nick didn’t oppose any resistance to it. Sarah and Charlie were his two favourite people; so spending a day with both of them sounded like a dream. Plus, introducing Charlie to the only parent figure that mattered to him made things official in a way that sent butterflies flying in his tummy.

Two days after Christmas, Nick is sitting at the bottom of the stairs with Henry, waiting for Charlie. He’s supposed to arrive any time soon, and Nick is ready to bolt to the door as soon as he hears him coming. They’re supposed to exchange gifts while his mum is still at work and then have tea with her when she comes back. Nick can’t wait. He hasn’t seen Charlie since the 23rd, when he picked him up at the Rochester train station. With both of his parents at work and Tori not having a car, Charlie was supposed to take a bus to his house, but Nick decided to surprise him. There was no way his almost-boyfriend was going to take public transportation if he was around to drive him, even if Nick had to borrow his grandmother’s car in order to do so. He ended up carrying Charlie’s luggage to his house (despite the latter’s protests), and briefly met Tori when she surprised them, hugging at the Springs’ front door after Nick refused to let Charlie go for three minutes straight. It was an awkward first meeting, but Nick didn’t regret one thing.

As soon as Charlie rings the doorbell, Nick springs to his feet to greet him. Charlie meets Nellie and Henry, and Nick’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of him hugging his two oldest friends. Charlie’s eyes are a bit tired – Christmas is always a hard time for him – but his smile is blinding under the white light of the cold sky. The boys don’t have a lot of time before Sarah comes back, but they can’t resist the call of the snow, so they sprint to Nick’s garden with the dogs before Charlie even has the time to take off his coat and the adorable beanie he came in with. They play for an hour and Nick feels seven again, in the best way possible.

After a while, their clothes become uncomfortably wet and Charlie’s teeth start chattering, so Nick brings him inside and shoves one of his jumpers in his hands. He purposely chooses his rugby shirt, so that he can finally admire his name on Charlie’s back in all its glory. Nick’s still not over the fact that Charlie had to take it off a few weeks prior, after Tara and Darcy unexpectedly turned up to his rugby game. For days, he’d fantasised about going to the pub with Charlie under his arm, showing him off to everyone with eyes to see, only for this particular dream to go up in flames when his friends showed up. Nick doesn’t regret what happened instead – the way Charlie opened himself to him so bravely greatly benefited their relationship and still leaves him breathless with awe – but he hasn’t given up on the hope of seeing Charlie in this particular shirt again.

The younger boy rolls his eyes when he notices which jumper Nick chose, but Nick doesn’t miss his pleased smile as he puts it on. Perhaps Nick should be used to seeing Charlie in his clothes by now, but the sight still turns his insides into goo. Besides, Charlie doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he sniffs the collar every few minutes, which delights Nick endlessly. Finally, the blonde drapes a plaid around Charlie’s shoulders and plants a kiss on each of his pink cheeks for good measure.

They head to the kitchen and prepare hot chocolate, giggling and bumping hips in front of the counter. The domesticity of the scene fills Nick with so much warmth that he feels himself glowing. His happiness elevates him above the ground, and he feels himself float away until he’s one of the stars, burning with love amongst the light. At the back of his head, he wonders if Charlie would be open to living with him next year. It’s probably too soon to even broach the subject, but he lets himself dream about it. Nick knows their story isn’t a short one. They don’t have to rush through it.

“Let me go first, because I’m sure you did something thoughtful and amazing, and I’ll be ashamed to go after you,” Charlie tells him self-consciously fifteen minutes later. They’re sitting on Nick’s double bed, next to Nellie’s sleeping form. They’re ready to exchange gifts at last, after Charlie explored Nick’s room and took in every picture stuck on the wall. “I’ve got a bunch of little trinkets instead of one big gift, I hope that’s okay.”

Nick shakes his head in disbelief. He would be beyond himself to receive a pebble if it was from Charlie, so it doesn’t surprise him when he feels himself welling up as he opens his presents. They’re perfect, just as expected. First, Charlie got him a little demisexual-flag, to go with the bisexual one he saw glimpses of when they Face-timed the week before and Nick told him he had come out as demi to his mum earlier in the afternoon. Then, he got him a few pride pins (which Nick immediately puts on his sweatshirt), as well as an essay about asexuality that Isaac recommended to him.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t mention your name to him,” Charlie reassures before Nick can express any concern. “He mentioned it to me ages ago but I never got around to reading it. I bought one for you and one for me, so that you can tell me which parts you relate to and I can understand you a bit better.”

This nearly finishes Nick off, but the best is yet to come. Charlie hands him a fancy envelope, that he manifestly decorated himself. The card Nick finds inside makes his heart leap out of his chest. Charlie made him a voucher for a private drumming concert – in the outfit of Nick’s choice, Charlie specifies with a saucy grin.

Nick is going to die.

After showing Charlie his gratitude the best way he knows how (through tackling him on the bed and kissing his face until Charlie starts to gasp for air through his giggles), Nick fetches his gifts from his closet with a sheepish smile. His presents seem even sillier to him now than he’s opened Charlie’s. What if he finds them too saccharine, or, even worse, too boring? What if he mistakes their lack of originality for a lack of effort on Nick’s part?

His doubts vanish as soon as he brandishes his bouquet of blue forget-me-nots in Charlie’s face.

“I know it’s kinda stupid, but I realised I never got you flowers, in the end, and it didn’t sit quite right with me. You deserve all the flowers. So, here. I didn’t know which were your favourites, but then I remembered our thing, you know, the blue and yellow hearts thing? And since you got me yellow flowers, I thought I’d get you blue ones…” Nick rambles as he sits back on the bed.

He doesn’t mention that the flowers remind him of Charlie because they’re small and elegant, like him. He doesn’t say that their name is that of the soundtrack of the most romantic moment of cinema history (when Peter and MJ say their teary goodbye at the end of Spiderman No Way Home). Nick especially doesn’t explain that forget-me-nots symbolise devotion, memory, and true, eternal love.

“I love them, they’re gorgeous,” Charlie breathes, and Nick can tell from his blush that their meaning isn’t lost on him despite the lack of a clear explanation. “Thank you very much, Nick.” Charlie gets up on his knees and cradles Nick’s face, before kissing his cheek sweetly.

“That’s not all,” Nick says awkwardly as Charlie leans back in a sitting position. “Erm. Here you go.” Nick gives him a little box wrapped in newsprint (he finished all the Christmas-themed paper when he wrapped Nellie’s new ball and forgot to buy a new roll, okay?) and rushes to justify himself as soon as Charlie starts to unwrap it. “Okay. I feel like I should explain this one, but I’m warning you, it’s a very gay explanation.” Charlie holds back a smirk at Nick’s ridiculous joke. He opens the box and takes out a golden brown beaded bracelet. He lifts his eyes towards Nick, his expression tinged with interest. “I had this realisation the other day, when I was looking into your eyes…” Nick continues, and Charlie lifts an eyebrow, amused. “Shut up, you’re making me rethink this whole gift, and I’ve already panicked about it once an hour since I bought it…”

“Relax, baby, I already love it, and I don’t even know why you chose it yet. I’m sure your very sappy explanation will make me love it even more,” Charlie chuckles. He takes Nick’s hand in his and waits patiently for him to gather enough courage to tell him the whole story.

“Okay. Thank you,” Nick answers with a sheepish laugh. “So, as I was saying, I’ve always loved your eyes. I’m sure everyone tells you this all the time, but they’re mesmerising. Their colour is just…” Ironically, Nick loses track of his thought as he stares into the blue-grey sky of Charlie’s irises. After a second, he shakes his head and huffs self-deprecatingly. It’s equally wonderful and frustrating just how easily Charlie can fluster him without even trying. “Well. I’ve never seen anything else like it. It makes my heart stop, sometimes.”

“Nobody ever tells me this, Nick,” Charlie chuckles shyly.

This is genuinely shocking news to the blonde. “Nobody?” He scoffs. “Well, everyone must be thinking it in silence, then. God knows that I wouldn’t have the courage to tell you this if I didn’t know you liked me back!” Charlie tilts his head, clearly touched. Nick is conflicted: on one hand, he wishes more people told Charlie how breathtaking he is, because it’s inconceivable to him that Charlie doesn’t know that yet. On the other hand, Nick is quite happy about the lack of competition. He loves being the only one getting to tell him every day. “Anyway, I was looking at you the other day, and suddenly I remembered where I’d seen a similar colour before.” Nick rolls up his sleeve and shows him his dumortierite pearls bracelet. “I’ve had this since I was a kid. I’ve always loved the colour, I thought it was so pretty. I fiddled with it a lot, too. It used to calm me when I was feeling overwhelmed, by my parents’ fights or by David… This gemstone is called dumortierite, and it’s the closest thing I’ve ever seen to your eye colour.” Charlie’s eyes start to water, and their shade changes from the light blue of the bead resting against Nick’s wrist bone to the dark grey of the one against his pulse point. “I haven’t worn it in years, but I went to find it as soon as I came back from Leeds. This is like having you with me wherever I go. And then, I thought, I’d like you to have a piece of me wherever you go, too.”

By the time he’s finished, Nick is slightly breathless.

“Oh, Nick…” Charlie exhales. He keeps opening and closing his mouth, but nothing comes out. Nick notices that Charlie put the bracelet on his wrist at some point during his monologue, and suddenly fears that he feels obligated to wear it despite not having the words to tell him how much he hates it.

“Mum helped me choose the gemstone to match it to the actual colour of my eyes. It’s called ‘golden tiger eye,’ apparently. I don’t know what it symbolises, or anything, but the colour seemed to match, so… And, I mean, I know it’s not the prettiest gift, like, it feels a bit clunky, maybe? And, god, it’s so presumptuous, I’m realising now, but I love having your colour with me so much, so I thought…” Nick rambles a little desperately, feeling the need to fill the silence in any way he can, until Charlie interrupts him.

“Nick?” Charlie cups his cheek, and when Nick’s hand automatically flies to cover his, the brown and the blue pearls align. It’s a reunion of two souls, of the land and ocean, the earth and the sky. It’s so beautifully them, that Nick’s nerves settle at once, like a blown out candle.

“Yeah?”

“This is the best gift I’ve ever received. I love it so much…” Charlie whispers shakily. His smile splits his face in two, and the flash of his dimples makes Nick feel dizzy.

“Really? You don’t think it’s stupid?”

“I don’t. I really want to kiss you right now.” Charlie’s eyes fall to Nick’s lips, and Nick’s heart misses a beat. He swallows with difficulty, and lets his eyes dart to Charlie’s mouth as well. Once he’s there, Nick can’t tear his gaze away. The tip of Charlie’s tongue peaks out from the opening, and Nick watches it slowly lick the pink, wet skin of his lower lip. Nick imagines it against his own, and feels a shiver coursing through his spine.

“God, Charlie, don’t tempt me… I don’t think I will be able to stop once I’ve had a taste…” He tries to protest, but he’s already leaning in.

“It’s not like anyone would know,” Charlie answers in a sultry voice. “Nellie won’t tell on us, will you, sweet girl?”

Nick’s brain is completely melted, fried, inoperational. He’s feeling conflicted, but he can’t remember why. He’s unable to think of a single reason why they haven’t been kissing for the last few weeks. The dam is cracking, and the current is threatening to take him away.

“What do you say? Do we say, ‘Fuck it’?” Charlie asks, his breathing becoming heavier by the minute.

Nick can’t take it anymore. “Fuck it, Char, kiss me…”

In one movement, Nick and Charlie lunge at each other, like the tide or the meeting of two magnetic objects. They’re vibrating with pure hunger, but the sheer strength of their affection forces them to slow down as their lips graze each other. Nick closes his eyes and sighs, overwhelmed by the knowledge that, in a moment, he’ll wake up to a world where he’ll know what it’s like to commune with Charlie Spring, in body and spirit. He feels Charlie’s exhale against his lips and he’s about to close the gap, when suddenly -

“Nicky! I’m home!!”

His mum’s voice throws Nick out of his entranced state. He jerks his head back so fast that he tumbles backwards and falls from his bed with a loud thud.

“Fucking hell!”

Charlie bursts out laughing. Nick can’t see his face from his spot on the floor, but he could swear that the room is made brighter by Charlie’s joy.

“We’re cursed, I think,” Charlie jokes through a giggle.

“I wanted you to meet my mum, but not like that!” Nick whines, accepting his fate and letting his head drop back on the floor with a thump. “Fuck, she’s got the worst timing. This is worse than the time she bollocked me about my dirty underwear while I was on Zoom for a job interview!”

“Come on, dirty pants,” Charlie teases once he’s helped Nick to get back on his feet, “let’s go say hi to Sarah.”

💬💬

For the longest time, Charlie wondered how Nick Nelson could be so good. Not only was he attractive and smart, he was a genuinely kind and good person, through and through. Now that Charlie has met Sarah Nelson, he’s starting to understand how. The woman is shorter than both of them, but she radiates such warmth and positive energy that she easily occupies the space around her. She is such a contrast to his own mum, that it throws Charlie for a loop. When Jane is all closed-off, Sarah is the picture of openness. Her eyes are wide with genuine interest when he talks to her, and her friendly smile is unwavering.

As soon as they’re down the stairs to greet her, she envelops Charlie in a comforting hug, as if he’s her long-lost son. She sits them down in the living room so they can chat around a cup of tea and demands to know everything about him. Charlie is surprised by the ease with which he answers all of her questions. She radiates the same calming aura as Nick, and he finds himself talking freely about his life, from his family to his university course, and everything in between.

The afternoon passes quickly and soon, it’s already time to go home. Rationally, Charlie knows that Sarah wouldn’t mind if he stayed for dinner, but Jane doesn’t do well with changes of plans, and he has to butter her up if he wants a chance to celebrate New Year’s Eve with his friends – and hopefully, Nick. Charlie goes up to Nick’s room to retrieve his presents, while Nick stays behind to help Sarah clean up the coffee table.

Charlie smiles to himself as he remembers Nick’s reaction to his gifts. He’d been nervous about them – they weren’t anything special, after all – but Charlie caught him looking at his pride pins with a soft smile at least every ten minutes for the rest of the afternoon, which would have quelled his doubts if some of them had miraculously remained after Nick enthusiastically tackled him on the bed upon opening his presents.

As for Nick’s gifts for him… Charlie tries not to well up again as he brushes his index finger against the golden beads. He takes a second to gather himself before he picks up his backpack and his bouquet of flowers from Nick’s desk. Charlie crosses the landing, a grin forming on his face as he imagines his parents’ shocked expression when they’ll notice the beautiful flowers in his hand. With amazement, Charlie realises that this is the first time he’s going to be proud to talk about a boy with his parents. Not only because he’s flattered that someone likes him enough to gift him flowers, but because he has so much respect and admiration for Nick as a human, in addition to feeling secure in his affection. He’s such a good person at his core, and it would fill Charlie with pride to introduce him to his parents as his boyfriend.

When Charlie reaches the top of the stairs, Sarah’s voice stops him in his tracks. He knows it’s wrong to eavesdrop but Charlie doesn’t want to interrupt: her gentle tone seems to indicate that she and Nick are having a private conversation. Besides, it’s too late for Charlie to go back to Nick’s room now; he’s standing on a wooden step that he knows will make an awful noise if he moves an inch. Nellie is lying at the bottom of the stairs, but, thankfully, she’s sleeping and hasn’t seen him yet.

“I can see why you like him.” Charlie can’t see Sarah and her voice is muffled, but he can tell she’s smiling tenderly at her youngest son. “He's a dear! Really polite, and handsome, too!”

Charlie blushes and bites back a smile. He loves this family so much, and he’s only known Sarah for a few hours. The Nelsons are really something special.

“He makes me so happy, mum…” Nick answers breathlessly. “He’s so clever, and thoughtful, and kind; and he gets me, you know? I've never had that with anyone, before.”

“Well, it shows, you look radiant!” Sarah exclaims. “I see how you look at him when you think he can’t see you. You didn’t look more wonderstruck when you looked at the Christmas Tree as a two-year-old!”

Charlie hears Nick chuckle self-deprecatingly. “Sometimes, I just look at him, and I think: this is it. This is the face of my happiness; this is the face of my - of my future, and I want to wake up to it for the rest of my life. I mean, it sounds super silly when I say it like that, but it's true.”

“Oh, darling, look at that!” Sarah coos. “This boy has made a poet out of you! I don’t know if your father ever said anything so romantic to me, and we were married for twelve years! How are you two not dating yet?”

“What we have… It’s too important… It’s too precious to be rushed,” Nick explains carefully. “What are two months in the face of eternity and all that, you know…”

“Eternity, huh?”

Charlie lets out a soft gasp and Nellie wakes up, tilting her head inquisitively when she notices him at the top of the stairs. Charlie’s eyes widen in panic, and he misses Nick's answer.

“Aw, Nicky,” Sarah replies in a choked voice, “I'm so happy for you…”

Charlie has heard enough. He sets off again and comes back to the kitchen, half-ashamed about his eavesdropping and half-elated about the things he’s heard. He finds Nick and Sarah hugging tightly. When they separate with a smile after spotting him in the doorway, their eyes are definitely wet. They don’t ask Charlie why his are as well.

Chapter Text

“The moment of your greatest joy sustains

Not axe nor hammer

Tumor, tremor

Can take it away, and it remains

It remains

And it pains me to say, I was wrong

Love is not a symptom of time

Time is just a symptom of love.”

- Joanna Newsom, Time, as a Symptom.

💬💬

Nick may not have wanted to kiss many people so far in his lifetime, but he thinks he might die if he doesn’t get to kiss Charlie soon. He knows he’s being dramatic, but the urge is eating away at him like a disease, so intense that it’s getting uncomfortable to exist around it. After his mum’s interruption the other day, Nick and Charlie haven’t had a moment to themselves. Jane insisted that Charlie came with them to visit his grandparents at the other side of the county for several days, before pestering him incessantly about his last exam, set to take place in January. Charlie calls Nick from his grandparents’ house in an anxiety-filled fury to tell him all about it. On top of everything else, he’s stressed about the fact that, for the first time in years, Tao can’t host their traditional New Year’s party, which means that Jane will probably think it’s okay to demand of him that they spend the night as a family.

Strangely, this is the first time Nick and Charlie approach the subject of New Year's Eve. Despite counting down to it every day, they’ve never made actual plans to see each other. To be fair, they’ve been busier than they thought they would be, but they’re now paying the price of their lack of foresight.

Nick is usually happy to spend the night alone with his mum and the dogs. If he’s lucky, David even stays up in Scotland to celebrate with his old university buddies and isn’t there to nag at Nick for being so “lame”. It’s not like Nick isn’t invited anywhere – Harry Greene throws giant parties every year and still invites Nick despite their falling-out, inexplicably – he just hasn’t forced himself to please someone whom he doesn’t even like in a while.

Of course, this year is different. For the first time, Nick has people he truly cares about outside of his mum, so he wants to celebrate the new year with them.

The solution presents itself the following day in the person of the amazing Sarah Nelson. She gingerly probes about Nick’s new year’s plans, before admitting that her sister invited her to Cornwall. However, she tells him that she won’t go if Nick wants to spend the night with her, like usual. Nick is slightly worried that his mum has been turning down invitations for years for his benefit, but she assures him that it’s not the case, before suggesting that he should host this year’s celebration since his and Charlie’s friend group is still looking for a place.

This is how Nick finds himself organising his first big party. He shoots an invitation to everyone via text and is delighted to read everyone’s excited response. Sadly, the lads live too far and Sahar has already made plans with friends from secondary school, but Tara and Darcy are around (they’re spending a few days at Tara’s grandparents’ in Kent) and Tao, Elle, Isaac and Charlie are grateful for the fallback plan.

On the 31st, Charlie arrives in the afternoon to help Nick prepare the buffet, set up the decoration and the air mattresses. He’s also in charge of the calming-Nick-down committee, which consists of climbing into his arms koala-style and squeezing him against his chest every time Nick starts to fret about a tiny detail that no one will even notice.

“It’s not just about the food or the music, is it?” Charlie softly asks against Nick’s ear, as he brushes his fingers through his golden strands. His beaded bracelet grazes Nick’s skin with every caress, and Nick can feel his heart beat slow down eventually. “What’s going on, love?”

Nick lets out the sigh that he’s been repressing for an hour. It’s almost concerning how well Charlie can read him. “Are you sure they don’t mind that I’m here? Tao, Elle and Isaac, I mean? It’s supposed to be a party for you guys, and I don’t want to like… impose?”

“Nick, it’s your house!” Charlie exclaims with an endearing laugh. He’s almost offended on his behalf, which does make Nick feel a bit better.

“No, I know, but you guys wouldn’t have come here if Tao’s mum hadn’t decided to invite the whole Xu family at the last minute.”

Charlie leans back and takes Nick’s face in his hands, his expression suddenly incredulous. “You know that we would have spent New Year's Eve with you either way, right?” Nick doesn’t reply, but his sheepish smile must answer for him. “Nick! The only reason we didn’t talk to you about the party is because we weren’t sure if we would be able to throw one at all! Of course we would have invited you, silly!! I thought it was implied!”

Nick’s nerves settle a bit after that, but not completely. He’s not been totally honest with Charlie. He’s still a bit anxious about hosting his first party, especially as half of the guests are people he’s only met twice, but this isn’t the only source of his agitation. Nick’s body seems to know that only a few hours separate him from officially becoming Charlie Spring’s boyfriend, and he’s buzzing with excitement at the thought. He keeps getting distracted: his mind is a photo-montage of Charlie’s best features – which are basically all of his features – that Nick can’t wait to admire, kiss and worship.

When eight p.m. rolls around, Tara and Darcy show up at the door. Tara hugs Nick tightly and Darcy confiscates both Nick and Charlie’s phones so that they can “live in the moment” for the night. Then, in typical Darcy-fashion, she loudly demands a tour of the house. The familiarity of Tara and Darcy’s presence immediately calms Nick down, and when they reach his room, Nick purposely lets them see the demisexual flag before he comes out to them. The girls tackle him in a group hug, with so much force that they fall onto the bed together with peels of contagious laughter. Nick closes his eyes and revels in the joy of being accepted and understood. He loves his best friends so much. He’s finally found his people.

Elle, Tao and Isaac arrive while Nick and the girls are still upstairs. They’re all excited to be here and they’re not coming empty-handed. Tao’s mum didn’t let him leave without half a dozen tupperware boxes and Elle’s stylish bag is full of bottles of alcohol. Nick isn’t planning on drinking tonight – he wants to keep a clear mind for what’s hopefully coming at midnight – but he appreciates the thought all the same. God knows Darcy will be more than happy to make some cocktails for the rest of the guests.

For the first few minutes, Nick is a bit guarded around Charlie’s friends. He’s afraid that they heard about his freaking-out from Isaac and will judge him for it, but they’re as affable as they were a couple of weeks ago, if not more. To Nick’s immense surprise, Tao even compliments his music taste after dancing furiously to three songs in a row to make Elle laugh. Nick bites his lips to hide his smile, but the compliment makes his tummy flutter pleasantly. Tao is Nick’s complete opposite on all points of view, and he’s Charlie’s best and oldest friend. It’s only natural that his stamp of validation means a lot to Nick.

When Charlie catches his eyes from the other side of the living room, his face is a mix of fondness and amusement. Nick rolls his eyes, but a furious flush takes over his pale complexion and his smile doubles in size. The tugging in his heart, imploring him to go and make Charlie his once and for all, returns. Nick throws a glance at the clock. It’s only nine thirty. Nick takes a shuddering breath. Still two hours and a half to go. He has to be strong.

A few minutes later, Nick notices Isaac alone, milling around the desserts buffet with a book in hand.

“Hi, Nick!” Isaac exclaims kindly when he sees him approaching. “Your cupcakes are amazing.”

They haven’t spoken one on one since they said hello earlier, and perhaps it wasn’t totally unintentional on Nick’s part. He’s still feeling ashamed about their last discussion and the panicked reaction it induced, but he knows that he has to get past his embarrassment if he wants to build a friendship with Isaac.

“Isaac, hey!” Nick greets awkwardly. “Thank you for coming. I know parties are not really your thing…” Nick fiddles with a paper napkin, shifting from foot to foot.

“Thank you for inviting me. I love parties, I just tend to leave them early because they often get overwhelming really fast. Something tells me I’m going to want to stay until midnight for this one, though…” Isaac explains with a devilish smirk.

Nick doesn’t know what to make of this. “…For the countdown?”

“That’s one way to put it, yes,” Isaac answers serenely, before starting to walk away with a mischievous smile. “I’ll go find Tara, I promised her I would get back to her about the short story she sent me…”

“Erm, actually…” Nick interjects urgently, holding Isaac back with a hand on his forearm. Isaac turns back to him and lifts an eyebrow, intrigued. “I, uh. I wanted to thank you?” Nick says it like a question, painfully unsure of himself. He didn’t even know he wanted to talk about this before the words came out of his mouth.

“Oh?”

“For the… hm, talk. You know, when we were at the bar?” Nick chances a look towards Isaac and sees understanding dawning on his face. Nick clears his throat and forces himself to make eye contact as he powers through his discomfort. “It really helped. To put words to some things. To know that I wasn’t alone.” He’s a bit breathless as he finishes his sentence, but the small, touched smile that graces Isaac’s smile in response is worth it. “I’m demi, I th-” Nick interrupts himself. He’s done doubting himself. He knows who he is, finally. “I’m bi, and demisexual.”

“Aw, Nick, that’s amazing!” Isaac coos, slightly misty-eyed. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Yeah!” Nick agrees with a relieved chuckle. The gust of air carries with it the remaining anxiety that’s been clinging to his guts for the last few weeks, and he realises that Isaac isn’t the only one with tears in his eyes.

Nick doesn’t know why he’s surprised that it went so well. It’s just that, every time he comes out as ace, he almost expects someone to challenge the notion, to remind him of some fact that proves that, despite what he says, he does experience sexual attraction like an allosexual person. This imposter syndrome is enhanced by the fact that Isaac is the first asexual person he comes out to. Nick knows it’s wrong to think this way, but he can’t help but view Isaac as “more” ace than him. Nick’s only a new one, perhaps a fake one, until proven right. He thought the feeling would dissipate now that he found a word to describe his experience, but the label is still new and the insecurity remains.

Nick is done feeling this way, though. From now on, he has to believe that his word is enough. If he feels demisexual, then he is. He just has to accept the fact that he knows himself better than anyone, even if he still discovers new things about himself every day.

“You know what’s better than a hug?!” Darcy yells from the other side of the table, coming out of nowhere, like she often does. “A GROUP HUG!!”

She throws herself at them and Tara follows a second later. For the second time of the night, Nick meets Charlie’s eyes above his friends’ heads. The love he reads in his cerulean eyes punches him in the gut.

Two hours and fifteen minutes to go.

💬💬

Nick and Charlie mainly avoid each other for the rest of the night. They’ve got to be careful as they know one touch would be enough to spark their downfall. Their shared looks are enough to make Nick’s skin prickle, and the prayers he recites in his head as he strokes his dumortierite rosary are left unanswered, as Nick’s god is the very person he’s trying to get protection from. Midnight seems excessively far away when you bleed out your day in the river of time.

The whole group piles up around the coffee table and plays a board game for a while, but Nick has no idea who’s winning. Every time his fingers brush against Charlie’s, his brain shuts down and unbearable heat engulfs every last cell of his being. Nick’s body is a prison for his desire. The yearning is thrumming louder and louder inside his chest, threatening to burst through with every beat of his heart.

The sky is clear, but inside the house, a thunderstorm is brewing.

It’s around eleven p.m. when Nick and Charlie find themselves alone for the first time of the evening. They’re side by side in the kitchen and Nick is pouring a colourful drink for Charlie.

“Merci ma chérie. Tu es très belle ce soir, d'ailleurs,” Charlie compliments, speaking French in a poor attempt to conceal the meaning of his words to the rest of the group. (Thank you, my darling girl. You look very beautiful tonight, by the way.)

“Merci Char,” Nick chuckles, “mais je ne suis pas une fille, just so you know…” (Thank you Char, but I’m not a girl, just so you know…)

“What? What did I say?” Charlie frowns and Nick has to grip the counter so that he doesn’t reach out to smooth down the lines between his eyes.

“You said ‘ma chérie’ and ‘belle’ instead of ‘mon chéri’ and ‘beau’.”

“Oh. That shit’s so confusing. I’ll never wrap my head around it.”

“Mais si, mon amour, ça va venir,” Nick murmurs softly, before placing himself in front of Charlie and backing him against the counter, putting his arms on both sides of him. He glances down to Charlie’s face and lets a smirk reach his lips, unconsciously licking them as his eyes find Charlie’s parted mouth. (You will, my love, it’ll come.)

“Nick!!” Charlie hisses before smacking his arm lightly. “Somebody might hear! I know they don’t speak French all that well, but everyone knows what that means!”

“Oh, that's why you’re blushing so much! And here I thought I’d taught you so well you were fluent already…”

“You didn’t teach me shit, you just like talking to me until I get too flustered to look you in the eyes!” Charlie retorts as he jabs Nick in the chest with his index finger.

“Ok, ok, j’ai compris, arrêtons le désastre ici…” Nick grabs Charlie’s hand and puts his open palm against his heart. Charlie’s skin burns a hole through Nick’s light white shirt. “Je préfère l’anglais de toute façon. Je peux même pas dire que t’es ‘pretty’ en français, which is such a shame…” (Ok, ok, I get it, let’s stop the disaster here. I like English better, anyway. I can’t even tell you that you’re ‘pretty’ in French, which is such a shame.)

Nick doesn’t know if Charlie’s understanding him, but one thing is for certain: he certainly appreciates the spectacle. Charlie giggles giddily and flushes bright red, his eyes shyly fixated on the drink in his hand. He hasn’t been drinking – for the same reasons as Nick, he supposes – so Nick knows that alcohol isn’t what he’s drunk on right now.

“I just can’t believe that you get so turned on by it!” Nick exults. Fuck midnight and fuck the self-imposed ‘no-touching’ rule. He lifts his hand and slowly tucks a curl behind Charlie’s ear as he whispers in a sultry voice: “Mon dieu, si j’avais su l’effet que ça te fait, je t’aurais appelé en juillet et je t’aurais parlé en français jusqu'à ce que tu me supplies de sortir avec toi, mon coeur…” (My god, had I known the effect it has on you, I would have called you in July and I would have talked to you in French until you’d begged me to date you, sweetheart…)

Nick’s stomach tightens with desire at the sight of Charlie’s irises darkening with every word. Soon enough, the boy’s eyes are completely hooded and his pupils are completely blown, darker than the night sky. He looks entranced, his eyes fixed on Nick’s lips as they move. When Charlie talks again, his voice is gravelly, almost unrecognisable to Nick’s ears.

“I’m going to walk away now,” Charlie says slowly. “Because if I stay here for thirty more seconds, I can promise you that speaking French will be the last thing you’ll be thinking of doing with those pretty lips of yours.” He doesn’t move though, and Nick feels the inexorable force of his attraction drawing him closer.

“Meet me in the garden two minutes before the countdown, okay?”

“Okay.”

Nick doesn’t start breathing again until Charlie is out of his sight.

💬💬

Despite the underlying tension tying him to Charlie, this is the happiest Nick has ever been at a party. For the first time in years, he doesn't have to fake being someone else. He doesn’t have to force himself to drink, nor to ogle a random stranger at his mates’ insistence. He can just be himself, without worrying that everyone is just pretending to like him.

Tao and Darcy are getting drunker by the minute. They’re singing at the top of their lungs, while Charlie makes Tara and Elle twirl on the makeshift dance floor and Isaac is busy reading in the corner of the room. He’s wearing noise-cancelling headphones but he’s smiling, and lifts his head to look at the dancing group every now and then. Nick’s not drunk enough to attempt dancing (especially since he has to keep his hands off Charlie for another half-hour), but he’s enjoying himself just as much by observing the chaos unfold. He knows he must look a bit dopey, but he’s dazed by the way Charlie throws his head back in delight as he laughs. Charlie senses Nick’s eyes on him, and shoots him a wink above his shoulder. The distance between them feels like static; it crackles loudly in Nick’s ears and burns his fingertips with the urge of reaching out. Maybe that’s just the way it is. The world is upside down when they’re apart, so the gravity flips to horizontal and lassoes them together to restore the equilibrium of the universe.

At the end of Mika’s Grace Kelly, Elle dramatically lets herself fall next to Nick on the couch.

“This is so much fun, Nick! Thank you for organising this,” she tells him with a blinding smile. Her brown eyes glint with kindness and joy, and Nick feels gratitude for Charlie’s good taste in friends for the hundredth time tonight.

“Oh, well,” he stammers bashfully, “honestly, I’m just happy that you all agreed to come. I didn’t want to hijack any plans you already had, or anything, but Charlie told me you were struggling to find a place for the party and my mum actually -”

“You know we don’t just tolerate you because of Charlie, right?” Elle interrupts, her eyes squinting suspiciously. “We all really like you, genuinely, and now you’re our friend, whether you like it or not!” She affirms with an air of finality, before linking her arm with Nick’s.

Nick’s body fills with warmth. It’s astonishing how much things can change within a few months. At the same time last year, he was sprawled on the very same sofa with his mum, scrolling endlessly on a social media app. He was dreading the start of the new term, already sick with nerves at the idea of being alone up in Leeds again. Now, he’s got a whole group of friends caring for him.

Nick looks around, and notices the little ways in which these people appreciate him. They’re enjoying the cakes that he baked, they’re dancing to the songs that he picked, and most importantly, they chose to be here tonight, at his house, when they could have been anywhere else.

Nick suddenly feels so loved.

“I am?” He breathes, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Of course, you are! Even Tao thinks you’re great, and he takes a while to warm up to people. He’s very protective of Charlie, you see,” Elle whispers conspiratorially. “Always has been, sometimes to a fault. And yet, you know what he told me the first night we met you, back in September? He said: ‘I think Charlie might actually have met someone I could approve of.’ Even back then, it was obvious how much you cared about him.”

Nick gasps softly. Tao really said that?

“And you?” Nick asks shakily, overcome by emotion. “Do you approve of me? Do you approve of us?”

Charlie is his own person, capable of making his own decisions, obviously, but having the seal of approval of his oldest friends feels very important.

“Of course, I do! It’s obvious you couldn’t care more about Charlie if you tried. Plus, I’ve seen how he looks at you. I’ve known him for eight years, and he’s never looked happier than when he looks at you.”

Nick never feels happier than when he looks at Charlie, either.

💬💬

When the living room clock hits 11:55, Charlie feels his pent-up impatience shake him up to his core, so intensely that he fears he might implode. He’s standing on a tectonic plate of feelings and time is dragging stubbornly, like a misbehaving toddler.

Charlie stopped dancing a few songs ago, but he’s only sitting down now that Nick has vacated the couch. The tension between them is a ticking bomb, ready to set off at any moment, and he can’t even cross Nick’s eyes without getting short of breath anymore.

Suddenly, Darcy notices the time and lets out a squeal so high that it makes Nellie bark. Tara asks Nick to display a five minute countdown on the TV, which he readily agrees to. Charlie grows even more agitated now that he’s got a visual representation of the passing of time in front of him. His knee is jerking up and down continuously. Nick leaves right after setting up the countdown and is now nowhere to be seen. He’s probably waiting for him in the garden. The thought sends butterflies flying in Charlie’s stomach. Reflexively, he goes to grab his phone in his pocket before remembering that Darcy took it from him at the beginning of the night.

Then, Charlie looks up towards the kitchen and notices Nick sliding the patio door open. His eyes are fixed on Charlie, as if looking at him is enough to guide him through his surroundings. Charlie’s about to say ‘screw it’ and jump out of his seat to join him when Tao slumps down next to him on the couch. Charlie looks up towards Nick a bit desperately, just in time to see him close the door and disappear into the night.

Fuck.

“Charliiiie!” Tao slurs in his ear, throwing an arm around his shoulders affectionately. He’s always a bit emotional when he’s got too much to drink, and while Charlie usually enjoys this softer side of his best friend, he’d rather be cuddling with his boyfriend right now. “You’re the - you’re the bestest bestest friend ever, and I miss you at film school! You’re sweeter than that guy covered in sugar in Makavejev’s Sweet Movie. I’m not even kidding!! Though this film was… disturbing. Very irreverent, and obviously anarchic, but also very -”

“I love you Tao, I really do,” Charlie interrupts urgently as the number ‘1’ appears on the screen, “but I have to go now. Happy new year!”

Charlie squeezes Tao against him for a second before bolting towards the kitchen, missing the smirk on all of his friends’ faces (including Isaac, who hasn’t been paying attention to his book in a while) as they exchange an amused look.

Charlie’s heart is in his throat as he opens the patio door. His friends start counting down loudly in the other room, but the sound is drowned by the staccato of his shuddering breaths. Impatience has turned into nerves and Charlie’s hand is shaking as he closes the door behind him. Nick is standing across the garden, his back turned to Charlie, and his hair shines under the soft glow of the fairy lights.

If they were in a movie, perhaps Charlie would call his name and run into his arms. Nick would make him spin, before bending him above the ground and sealing their lips in a Hollywood kiss. They’re in real life, though, and Charlie feels rooted to the spot. The person in front of him is everything he’s ever wanted, everything he’s dreamed of since he was a kid, but more importantly, he’s Charlie’s favourite person. He’s his best friend, his rock, his beacon in the storm, the man he wants to navigate the rest of his life with.

Suddenly, a loud “ONE!” erupts in the house, and Nick finally turns around.

As soon as Charlie catches Nick’s eyes, the world quiets down and disappears around them. The stars shine brighter somehow, and everything falls into the background.

The Earth and the Sun collide, and the universe as they know it goes up in flames.

In two strides, Nick and Charlie are in each other’s arms, clasping each other like moss clings to the roots of the trees behind them. Nick lifts his palms to cup Charlie’s angular face – two petals closing on his heart, protecting it with their beauty – and their foreheads meet in a gentle graze of skin. From this close, their laboured breaths mingle in a sweet, familiar scent, and when their lips finally crash against one another, no cohesive thought remains. Charlie’s mind is empty, bar flashes of amber irises, starry skies projected onto covers and sweet foreign words, murmured from the depths of an unconscious devotion.

Nick and Charlie kiss like they might suffocate if they don't exchange breaths. Nick’s fingers explore the dark pathway of Charlie’s curls while Charlie traces the rivulets of his back muscles with the spirit of a cartographer. The tip of his fingers brushes against the short hair on the back of Nick’s head as he makes his way up, and the blonde moans against Charlie’s lips with reckless abandon. Charlie shivers from head to toe, his grip tightening around Nick. He can’t stand any physical distance now that the emotional one has been breached.

Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t feel like they’re two puzzle pieces finally completing each other, Charlie thinks as they lick into each other’s mouth, once for each time they’ve wanted to kiss in the past few months. They are a whole puzzle set by themselves, but their pieces tend to be jumbled when they’re apart. Under Nick’s hands, Charlie feels himself liquefy and a beautiful, cohesive picture emerges. All of him is right where it’s meant to be.

It feels like a lifetime has passed when they finally separate. Perhaps it has – this kiss was like time travel, memories from the past and images from the future dancing in front of Charlie’s eyes. Nick’s gaze is deliciously dazed when Charlie belatedly opens his eyes. The sight makes him burst out laughing, and Nick promptly follows suit.

“Why the fuck did we wait when we could have been doing this the whole time?!” Charlie giggles, pressing his forehead back against Nick’s and wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Why the fuck indeed…”

“I almost suggested we start dating after my bad day, but then I realised you were really busy with assignments and rugby training, and I didn’t want to be a distraction…”

“You could never be a distraction, Charlie,” Nick breathes seriously, before kissing his lips chastely. “Everything else in my life is a distraction from you, not the other way around.”

“Dork,” Charlie retorts, but his entire soul is glowing.

Nick takes his hand in his and guides him on a blanket that Charlie hadn’t noticed in his hurry to get to Nick. Charlie thinks he might sense some movement behind the bay window and wonders if they’re being watched, but it turns out to be Nellie, her tail wagging in the air and her tongue lolling out of her open mouth.

“That’s okay, though,” Nick says softly. “We were basically dating the whole time, anyway.”

“What are you talking about? We were not dating!” Charlie sputters. “We never even kissed!” Admittedly, Charlie’s never been in a proper relationship, but he can’t imagine any of the boys he’s ever been with taking an interest in someone they couldn’t even kiss. Except, this relationship isn’t about any of the awful boys of his past. This relationship is about him, and Nick. Nick, who confessed that he’s never wanted anyone the way he wants Charlie.

“Texting and hanging out non-stop? Kissing each other’s cheek before saying goodbye? Napping together, giving each other hickeys?! Come on, Charlie, we’ve even agreed to be exclusive,” Nick laughs, and Charlie can’t help but giggle too. “I’ve been your boyfriend for around two months now, whether you like it or not.”

Nick’s absolutely right. It was just a matter of semantics. Just because Charlie refused to use the word didn’t change the fact that they were dating. The realisation feels vertiginous.

“Boyfriend?” He murmurs breathlessly, awe sipping through his tone.

“Ye-yeah,” Nick stutters, his cheeks colouring slightly. “You still want to be boyfriends, right? I mean, I was only teasing, it’s okay if you don’t feel ready yet, I don’t want to assume -”

Charlie cradles Nick’s face and interrupts him with a passionate kiss. How amazing is it that he can just do that now? Nick immediately mollifies under his touch, but Charlie freezes as he’s struck by a sudden realisation. Of course, Nick wouldn’t consider kissing as indispensable in a romantic relationship, and Charlie feels like an idiot for having implied that it is.

“Oh god,” he breathes as he leans back.

“What?” Nick asks, still a bit stunned by the kiss.

“Us not kissing, and me saying that we were not really a couple because of that… It was very insensitive, and stupid of me. I was just hiding behind this pretext and willfully ignoring all the other non-platonic things we were doing because I was afraid.”

Nick’s expression softens, his eyes full of an affection Charlie’s not certain to deserve. “Are you still? Afraid, I mean?”

“No,” Charlie replies, realising as he says the word that, for the first time in his life, it’s absolutely true. “You make me feel safe.”

“You make me feel safe too.”

They share a smile, before lying down on the blanket and lacing their fingers together. The beads of their respective bracelets clink together, like colliding planets under the starry sky. Charlie looks up and draws courage from the celestial bodies.

“I was just afraid. Saying we were a couple, it made it real in a way. And when something is real, it can be broken.”

“It’s been real all along, though, hasn’t it?” Nick whispers. “And isn’t it the most beautiful thing?”

“It really, really is,” Charlie agrees. A lump starts forming in his throat. “We could never have sex, or never kiss, ever, and that wouldn't make what we have less of a relationship. I want you to know that.”

Nick’s eyes widen at that, and immediately fill with tears. He looks properly winded, and this reminds Charlie of theatre class, when they stared into each other’s eyes until a softness took over his features with the rapidity of a raging fire.

“I love you…” Nick breathes in a heartfelt whisper.

With Nick being the greatest partner one could ever hope for, he’s always been particularly good at making Charlie feel loved, but hearing the actual words still makes Charlie’s heart miss a beat. His eyes widen in a way that would be comical in a less serious situation and one tear finally drops on his cheek. Nick swipes his thumb over it and his breath catches in his throat as his brows furrow in desperation.

“I love you so much,” Nick continues. “It’s always been hard for me to let myself… Feel. To let myself get attached to people when I knew they could hurt me. To let them see who I was and risk them seeing something they might not like. At times, it was hard to envision myself in a relationship, because I’ve always felt different from people my age. You know how guys are in uni — they’re not sentimental. They’re casual with their feelings and the only thing that seems to matter is how good of a lay they are. I’m the opposite of that. I feel stuff so intensely all the time, and I can’t — Well. You know what I mean. I felt too much and too little, at the same time. But, with you, there was no question about it. Falling in love with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Every time I learn something new about you, I fall a little more, and I love it. I love loving you. It allows me to open myself to others in ways that I never did before. I think… I think I’ve known for a long time that you’re the one for me. And now I want you to know, too.”

Nick looks terrified. He’s being completely vulnerable, all wide-eyed and sensitive, and Charlie loves him for it. He loves him for how much he cares about everything. He loves him for how brave he is, and for the kindness and the softness he brings to this cruel world. He loves him for his intelligence, and for the way his hair shines in the sun. He loves him for his strong arms which he uses to hug his friends close and keep Charlie’s nightmares away. He loves him for his cute freckles, his awful singing voice and the sound of his steps on the parquet floor of his flat.

Most of all, Charlie loves Nick for the way he loves him, so effortlessly that it makes him wonder if he’s been worthy of love all along.

Nick is crushing Charlie’s hand while he’s waiting for his response, but his thumb continues to swipe away the tears pouring silently on Charlie’s smiling face.

“I love you too, Nick…” Charlie sniffs. “So, so much.” Charlie brings Nick’s face close and kisses his upper lip one, twice, thrice. Nick lets out a gasp as he kisses him back, and Charlie tastes salt on their lips. “It’s the greatest privilege of my life to love and be loved by you,” he confesses once they’re done kissing. “A lot of people made me feel like I was too much throughout the years, but you never did. For the longest time, I thought that happiness wasn’t an option; I thought that I didn’t deserve it, but now I know this isn’t true... Happiness is everywhere, and I can’t wait to seize it with you.”

Nick’s breath is stuttering like he’s about to start sobbing, but a moment passes and, suddenly, he’s guffawing. Long streaks of silver tears are staining his cheeks, but the man is cracking up.

“What the hell are you laughing at, now?!” Charlie exclaims with a wet chuckle.

“I don’t know! I’m just so happy I can finally tell you I’m in love with you! I felt like I was going to burst with how much I wanted to tell you…” Nick laughs, before pressing his nose against Charlie’s ear and murmuring gleefully there: “I love you, I love you, I love you!!”

“Pff, you’re the biggest dork I’ve ever seen!!”

“I don’t care. I love you, and you love me. Say you love me!” Nick exclaims a little maniacally.

Charlie can’t believe this ridiculous man is his boyfriend. “I love you, baby,” he answers in his best placating voice, though his tone betrays the fondness he’s actually feeling.

Nick lets out a victorious shriek which startles Charlie so much that he erupts in giggles in turn. Nick wraps his arms around Charlie’s waist and tips him over until he’s straddling him. Then, he smashes their lips together, even if they’re smiling too much to make it work.

“I’m sorry I said it drunk for the first time, by the way,” Charlie apologises bashfully when they finally separate.

“Oh, so you do remember?”

“I didn't want to bring it up, in case you weren’t ready to say it back. Or even ready to hear it, actually.”

“I was,” Nick answers softly, his copper fringe flying in the breeze. “I’ve known I love you since we met in person for the first time.”

Charlie closes his eyes and lets the revelation settle over him. During all of these months, the whole time Charlie thought Nick hated him, he was actually in love with him. Without opening his eyes, Charlie presses his forehead against Nick and lets his nose slide against his. They breathe together for a while, overwhelmed by the enormity of their feelings. Then, they kiss again, and Charlie lets himself notice the details he’s missed the first few times, like the softness of Nick’s lips or the tiny spot he’s forgotten to shave at the corner of his mouth.

Charlie never wants to stop kissing Nick. The promise of oxygen wouldn’t be enough to keep him away from this boy’s rosy lips.

“Just to be clear, because you never actually answered: is it a yes to being my boyfriend?” For the first time since they met, Nick’s voice is completely devoid of any doubt. No trace of insecurity is underlying his words, he’s only joking. Charlie wants to cry with pride.

“Oh my god you idiot, of course it's a yes! Why would I pass up on the opportunity to be related to the Nellie Nelson by proxy?”

“I see you have your priorities straight,” Nick laughs good-heartedly.

“Oh, I do…” Charlie smiles, before burying his face in Nick’s shoulder. Nick’s hand flies to his hair and they rock from side to side as they hug tightly.

“Thank you for saying what you said about kissing and having sex,” Nick says breathily after a while. “I’ve spent so much time worrying about that. Wondering if I was weird for feeling this way, if that meant I was going to be alone forever…”

“Never,” Charlie promises fervently. “You’ll never have to be alone as long as I live.”

“I love you so much… I do want to have sex with you, though, if that’s okay. I’ve been a bit scared for a while, but I think I’m ready to try some things, if you’re okay with going slow. I want everything with you, eventually.”

I do want to have sex with you, though, if that’s okay. Charlie nearly swoons. His boyfriend is so polite. He wants to tease him, but the sincerity of the moment doesn’t call for it.

“I do, too… And of course I’m okay with going slow.”

Charlie leans back and licks his lips as he notices Nick’s eyes once again falling to his mouth. This time, when they kiss, it’s like Ravel’s Bolero. They start out slow – almost timidly. Then, as they go, new instruments are introduced – some tongue, a hand under Nick’s shirt, a fist gripping Charlie’s sweatshirt. Things are getting more heated by the minute though, and when a low whine escapes Charlie’s throat, they fail to notice the sound of the patio door sliding open, before a voice hollers:

“FINALLY!!!!!”

Surprise makes Nick and Charlie jump back. Darcy’s the one who just screamed in their face but all of their friends are standing there, their expressions ranging from slight amusement (Isaac) to pure elation (Darcy).

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” Nick swears, his heart beating furiously under Charlie’s palm.

“It’s 2024! You all lost your bet, you twats!” Charlie exclaims cheekily, a victorious smile on his lips.

“That’s where you’re wrong, my little friend,” Darcy counters. “We saw you nearly bursting with frustration, and decided to give you a little holiday gift. We figured out what was the cause of your agitation and decided to move the countdown forward by an hour.”

“What?!”

Darcy takes Charlie’s phone out of her pocket and shows them the time, displayed on the photo they took at the park, in which they’re very clearly cuddling. She wasn’t lying. It’s barely 11:13 p.m. Charlie snatches his phone from her hand. At least she hasn’t interrupted them while they were kissing for the first time, Charlie thinks gloomily. Small mercies, and all that.

“That’s why you took away our phones!” Nick cries out indignantly.

“So there IS a winner,” Darcy continues without bothering to respond, “although I still feel like I’m the one who really won, since you admitted you liked each other when I said you would.”

“How do you even know that?” Nick asks dubiously, though there’s a hint of a smile on his face.

“She’s got ears everywhere, you don’t wanna know,” Tara chimes in. “Also, I agree with her. We know you’ve been together since then, even if you don’t want to admit it. You’ve been outrageously obvious, but we never managed to catch you in the act.”

“Well - okay, you're right, we’ve known we both like each other for a while, but we weren’t really together, even though we knew we wanted to be!” Charlie half-lies petulantly. Nick shoots him an amused look before smirking and shaking his head, but Charlie wilfully ignores him. For fuck’s sake, they’re supposed to be on the same team!! It’s not like they really waited for their friends’ sake, but Charlie still refuses to prove them right.

“Well, whatever,” Tao slurs. “Who won the bet, then? Who bet on tonight?”

“I did,” Isaac pipes up.

“I still can't believe you started to bet on our relationship before you even met Nick, Isaac!”

“I’m sorry, but London is expensive, and that was just too much money to turn down! Of course you’d be obstinate and refuse to date the guy you’re in love with just to contradict us! You’re the most competitive person I know.”

Charlie turns crimson. Given that he’s just confessed his love to Nick, the words shouldn’t faze him, but the fact that he’s been so obvious the whole time makes him slightly self-conscious. Nick’s face is worth the embarrassment, though. His smile lights up the entire garden as he looks at Charlie. His expression is so love-struck that Charlie wonders how he could have missed it in the past.

However, like Isaac said, Charlie is stubborn and competitive, so there’s no way he’ll admit to their friends that they would have waited with or without the bet. He’ll pretend to be mad just a bit longer.

“Don’t get smart, Isaac, you wouldn’t have won if you guys hadn’t tricked us,” Charlie retorts grumpily.

Nick seems highly amused by his grouchy attitude. He wraps his arms around his waist and hugs him from behind, before nestling his nose in Charlie’s neck.

“Sorry, Charlie. You could have made an effort to move things along faster, though, I had my eyes on a beautiful skirt…” Elle says jokingly.

“A beautiful skirt!!” Tao bellows drunkenly. “You’ll pay for that, Spring. I wanted to see that skirt on her.”

“Tao!!”

Charlie is very grateful for Elle. She’s always encouraged him to give Nick a chance and, despite her teasing, Charlie can tell she’s proud of him. A few weeks ago, Charlie was admitting to her that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to be in a relationship, and now here he is, in the arms of his boyfriend after telling him he’s in love with him.

However, the fact that there was a wager going on in the first place remains, so he’s allowed to mess with his friends a little bit.

“The nerve you have to complain, Elle-Belle, if it wasn't for your rude interruption at that first party, we could have gotten together way earlier!”

“Charlie! You said it was fine!!”

“And you still thought I was straight, so…” Nick murmurs mischievously, before placing a small kiss on the crook of his neck.

“Whatever. I don’t care,” Charlie huffs in fake annoyance. He gets up and ushers everyone towards the patio door. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would like to snog my boyfriend at least until next year, if that’s allowed. God knows you made us wait long enough…”

“We didn't make you do anyyything!” Isaac sing-songs from the kitchen. Charlie slams the door shut after him and turns back towards Nick.

“So. That gives us -” he unlocks his phone and looks at the time “- forty-one minutes before the real countdown.”

“The only countdown I was interested in has already ended. Now come here, mon coeur, I’ll make you forget all about numbers,” Nick replies saucily, wiggling his eyebrows exaggeratedly.

Charlie makes a horrified face, before faking retching sounds. “Eww, Nick, I swear to god, I think I prefer when you speak French, at least this way I don't have to suffer your awful pick-up lines!”

“Des excuses, encore des excuses… Tu n'as qu’à demander, si tu veux m’entendre parler français,” Nick whispers, and Charlie hates that it makes him shiver. (“Excuses, excuses... You only have to ask, if you want to hear me speak French…”)

“Shut up or I won’t kiss you ever again, you menace,” Charlie grumbles, but his smile is dopey as he circles his arms around Nick’s neck. One of his hands travels down to Nick’s chest, right above his heart. Charlie lifts his index finger and taps there three times, for old time’s sake.

“Alright then!” Nick immediately complies, grabbing Charlie’s waist and bringing him closer.

Charlie realises he should probably feel cold as their foreheads meet and their eyes close on their own volition, but the warmth of Nick’s embrace is enough to sustain him for a lifetime. He’s never felt safer than he does right now, his hand resting above a heart that beats faster when he’s around.

Nick’s line of thinking is similar. He looks back to the last few months and marvels at his own emotional journey. He’s always been so afraid of his emotions that he spent years repressing entire parts of his personality. Then, Charlie came bursting into his life and painted every aspect of Nick’s existence with vibrant colours. Nowadays, Nick laughs, cries and loves more intensely than ever, and he’s never been more grateful for his propensity to care.

In a few years, they’ll continue to learn new things about each other – as it turns out, Nick is obsessed about kissing during sex, just like Charlie predicted – and about themselves. They’ll grow up and then grow old, but they’ll never outgrow their love for each other. They’ll never stop buying flowers and other silly presents that make them think of one another.

They’ll even countdown to their wedding and Nick will mention Romeo and Juliet in his vows, as promised.

But for now, they’re standing under the sky, uncovered, and the stars smile upon them. The boy who felt too much and the boy who thought too much, together at last.