Archive of Our Own ^beta

“What kind of name is Beyond Birthday?”

L freezes on his chair. It’s imperceptible, barely a spasm, but Light has a trained eye. He has to, after all these years. He walks slowly, confidently, until he’s reached the back of L’s chair. His hand twitches with the desire to reach out, but he pushes it down.

“Have you done it?” L asks, not moving away from his place nor looking at Light. His voice is as monotone as ever.

Light smiles.

“Not yet.” He decides to place his hands on the chair itself to have something to hold onto. “I was very curious about a couple of things, actually.”

L hums, body back in motion. His fingers tap on the keyboard like the legs of a spider dancing over piano keys. He must be thinking of a hundred possibilities and how to counter them. Of course.

“I also don’t know his face,” Light says, like the benevolent god he is, to feed on L’s confidence. Sure enough, L relaxes – again, a movement so slight it could be a trick of the light.

Like clockwork.

“But you already knew that,” he continues, undeterred. “Just like you know what I’m going to ask.”

“Kira-kun seems to think I have telepathic abilities,” L says, grabbing a milkshake off his desk and slurping. Loudly. His lips smack when he takes them off the straw. Light can’t help but scowl.

“Where is he?” Light asks, annoyed.

L grabs a cookie from his desk and takes a bite. “Why do you think I know?”

Light’s fingers dig into the wood of the chair.

“Don’t play coy with me,” Light sneers. “I stumbled upon the LABB Murders case by accident, in an article written years ago about cases L has solved.” Light leans close until he’s on eye level with L. “Imagine my surprise when I log into your system and find nothing about this case. Not only that, but if I look anywhere online, there’s no record of the murders, the investigation or maybe the most important part: the killer himself. Care to explain?”

“I wonder what article it was,” L mumbles, pressing his thumb against his lower lip. Light glares at him.

“A newspaper article. Physical copy. I found it in the library archive.”

They’ve been staying in Nebraska for a couple days. He decided to try searching for clues about their current case in the library, on the off chance that maybe something had been published in the past. Light was only intrigued about the article not because of the L mention, but because of the other name in the article: Naomi Misora.

There wasn’t a lot of information in the article itself – it was, after all, a recollection of cases solved that year, and the special mention that one of them had been solved in conjunction with the FBI. Light found it odd at first that a name such a ‘Beyond Birthday’ would escape his memory. It was so off-putting that he was sure he would remember writing something like that in his Death Note. So he went looking into L’s system for the case, to stir his memory, only to find nothing.

“I searched for him in the American Prison System,” Light continues, rage barely contained. “And he’s not in any prison at the moment, but he’s also not on the record. Not only that, but he’s not registered anywhere in the world, not even as a citizen.” Light takes a step back, crossing his arms. “I figured maybe it could’ve been an alias, not an actual name, so I decided to search for the LABB Murders case itself, but it’s like the case had never existed. I hacked into the FBI database and there’s also nothing.” He takes a deep breath. He’s not going to explode over this.

L hums. “It seems Kira-kun has placed a lot of time and effort into this. Hacking into the FBI database, even. I wonder if he already solved the case we’re here for, considering he’s using so many resources in a case that doesn’t seem to exist.”

Light digs his nails into his palm, doing his best to avoid stomping on the ground like a kid. “He couldn’t have just vanished. You did this.”

To this, L pauses. “How did you come to that conclusion?”

“You solved this case. Who else could’ve done this?” He leans back into L’s space, annoyed that L hasn’t even looked at him. “Were you trying to protect him from Kira?”

Finally, L turns. Their eyes meet, and Light’s stomach does an ugly twist, but he ignores it. “It seems that if that was my intention, I succeeded, don’t you think?”

Light clenches his jaw, anger rising above respectable levels.

“Why?”

“Why what?” L asks, cocking his head.

“Who is he?”

“Those are different questions,” L says, smiling.

Light wants to throttle him. He stands up, willing himself to calm down. Alright, he wants to make this a game, then so be it.

“I will find him,” he says, walking away from L. “And then I will kill him. He’s a serial killer, after all.”

“Good luck,” L says, monotone. His attention is back on the screen.

“I will find him!” Light stalks out, fighting the burn he feels in the pit of his stomach.

“I’m looking forward to it,” L says before Light slams the door shut.

*

“So that’s how you do it, then,” L says softly. Light jumps, looking over his shoulder where L is staring at the piece of paper inside his watch, the bloody trail spelling Kyosuke Higuchi. He scrambles to close the compartment, but before he can, L takes hold of his wrist with surprising strength and brings it close to his eyes. He stares at it for a moment while Light tries to shake him off. Then, he takes the piece of paper with the tip of his fingers and raises it above his head, looking at it from an odd angle. He’s still holding Light’s wrist.

His eyes travel to Higuchi’s body, collapsed on the ground, then to Rem. Light tries to pull his arm free again and is unable to. He sees L start to smile.

“You can’t prove anything with that,” Light snarls. “A scrap of paper? I can claim you did it yourself, a last attempt to frame me, and you know the Task Force will take my side.”

L turns to him, gray eyes shining. His smile makes Light’s insides turn.

“You’re right,” he says. “They would take your side.” He lets go of Light’s wrist, but before Light can throw himself over him to get the evidence, L raises his hand a little higher and turns the paper around. Then, Light notices.

He’s showing the paper to a camera.

No.

“There’s microphones here, too,” L adds when he realizes Light has seen it. “All the means of transport I own have them. You seriously think I would ever let you out of my sight?”

He seems to be enjoying this. Of course he’s enjoying this. This is all he’s ever wanted: not just to prove that Light is Kira, but how he kills. How could Light be so stupid? He thought Rem would be distracting enough, that L wouldn’t notice him writing down Higuchi’s name, but of course he did. No bloody detail escapes him, right?

Plus the cameras and the microphones… Light knows L is a paranoid freak, but to this extent?

Think, Light. Think. This can’t be the end. L is the only one that knows. Watari’s still outside, just as the rest of the Task Force, so there’s no one watching the feed. He eyes the computer next to him. Maybe he can find a way to hack into the internal network, get in and delete the files, but that will take time.

L is still looking at him. He can feel it. Why hasn’t he done anything? He can call Watari back inside, make his dad arrest him… His dad. Light looks outside at the commotion, the Task Force bewildered as they notice Higuchi’s state. Soichiro’s asking questions through their comms, but neither is saying a word. It won’t take long. He will get to the helicopter if neither of them answers, and what then?

Light notices Rem, still standing next to Higuchi’s car. She’s staring at him, her gaze piercing Light right through despite the distance. He wants to shout at her, shake her skeleton frame and demand her to stop making it more obvious. And at the same time, he wants her to understand that he needs her to appear next to them and kill L right now, before it’s too late.

She won’t do it, though. Not even for Misa. If Light is questioned and he throws Misa under the bus, Rem will kill him. He has no doubts about it. He won’t even get to make a case for himself before his heart stops beating.

He wants to tear out his hair. This can’t be it.

“Have you exhausted your options?” L asks, a tiny smile still on his face.

There’s always violence. Sure, L can defend himself, but his attacks have mostly been done with his feet, which he can’t use right now. L notices him staring at his legs, trapped as they are with the cyclic between them, and seems to reach the same conclusion.

“Getting me incapacitated, then claiming I was Kira all along, right?” He says, then prods at his lower lip. “That could work, but Light-kun has never been able to land a punch that can knock me out, so I wonder how exactly–”

Light lunges for his stomach, but L turns his body in a blink and throws his own headset at Light’s face. It doesn’t hurt as much as it surprises him, which is all L needs to elbow him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Light doubles over, wheezing as he fights to get it together. He’s not going down. Not like this.

L takes hold of Light’s hair and slams his forehead into the deck.

“What’s going on with you two?” He distantly hears his father’s voice. It doesn’t come from Light’s headset, which had fallen from his head when he doubled over, so he must be outside. Yes, if he watches L attack Light “out of nowhere”, he might be easier to persuade.

“Dad,” he coughs. “Help me.”

L hums and lets go of him, taking the Death Note and his headset from the ground. Light grits his teeth as his head spins, eyes unfocused. He tries to reach for the laptop without L’s notice.

“Yagami-san,” he calls. “I have proof that your son is Kira.”

“What?!”

“This helicopter has cameras and microphones in it,” L continues. “If something happens to me–” L looks at the laptop. Light wants to scream. “There’s a copy of all recordings in a separate network Watari and another unit can access. Watari, give Yagami-san the password. Off the recorded line, please.”

Light feels his eyes start to water. He doesn’t hear Watari’s answer, as his headset’s still on the ground, and he feels stupid when his fingers close on the edge of the computer. He can still break it over L’s head, but what good will that do now? He doesn’t want to be seen as a brute, a desperate creature resorting to violence when he can’t find another way out.

But isn’t that what he was willing to do just before?

“So I was right,” L says to him, taking the headset off. “Not just about you being Kira, but about you not being able to kill without a name.” Light won’t look at him. He doesn’t want to give L the satisfaction of seeing his face right now. “I imagine this notebook has more to that, though, given how Amane-san could kill without a name. Maybe she’s more important than Light-kun, after all.”

Light bristles, at that. L looks at him and smirks.

Bastard.

“I’m sure you can tell me more later.” A softer smile. “I look forward to our next chapter, Kira-kun.”

*

“What do you want? And why did we have to meet here?”

“So I could give you this,” Light says, sliding the cup of hot cocoa over the table. A public space is always better, and anyway, L is bound to be watching somehow.

“Is this poisoned?” Mello asks, scowling. He still leans over to smell the steam coming from the cup.

“If I wanted to get rid of you, I could use other methods,” Light says through gritted teeth, fake smile dripping with venom.

“So, what? Are you bribing me?” The scowl doesn't leave his face. He stirs the cocoa with a spoon. “What do you want?” he asks again.

“A few days ago, I found the most interesting little note,” Light begins, placing said piece of paper between them. Mello eyes it wearily. “It’s not a piece of the Death Note, don’t be scared.”

“Bite me,” Mello sneers. He takes the paper from the table and reads. Then, he rolls his eyes. “What about it?”

Light fights to keep his composure. “I want you to tell me more.”

“Why?”

“Stop asking questions,” Light snaps, slamming his hands on the table. A few people turn around to look at them, but he ignores them. “How is it that you know of the LABB Murders case?”

At this, Mello smirks. “L told me about it.” He takes a sip of the cocoa. “Didn’t he tell you? That’s interesting.” He procures a chocolate bar from his coat and unwraps it. Light wonders, not for the first time, if the Wammy’s House kids are destined to get diabetes. “Aren’t you two like married or something?”

Color rises on Light’s cheeks and he wants to kill this brat, but he won’t. He doesn’t do impulsive killings anymore, and besides, killing Mello would serve no purpose.

He breathes.

“We’re not,” he answers calmly. “We’re business partners.”

“Whatever,” Mello says, leaning back in his chair. He bites into the chocolate bar. “I don’t know why I have to tell you anything. You could ask L yourself.”

“Well, I’m clearly asking you for a reason, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, which is what I find odd,” Mello leans in. “You don’t like me.”

To be fair, Light doesn’t like many people, but he doesn’t say that.

“Tell me about the case,” he says instead, taking a sip of his coffee. Black, like usual.

Mello crosses his arms. “I don’t have to.”

“How old are you again? I thought you were supposed to be shaping up to be the next L.” Light leans in, anger barely contained. “You claimed you have information Near doesn’t have, but for all I know, you could be making that up.”

“Yet you’re here asking,” Mello says, a sardonic smile playing at the corner of his lips. “You want this information, not me. And a hot cocoa is not enough to bribe me.”

Light wants to throttle him. “What’s the price, then?”

Mello raises his eyebrows. “You really want to know this so bad, huh? Ugh, whatever. It was a long time ago. It was before Kira was even a thing.”

“Yeah, I know,” Light mutters.

“It was the first case where the ‘Ryuzaki’ alias was used,” Mello continues. “I don’t know what else you could find interesting about that case.”

Light narrows his eyes. “Why do you think I’d find that interesting?”

“Wasn’t that the alias L used in the Kira case as well?” Mello takes another sip. “You know it was B who used it, right?”

What?

“B?”

“Beyond,” Mello clarifies. “Beyond Birthday, the guy behind all the killings.”

Light pauses, his coffee cup raised midway through.

“Why would he need an alias?”

“He was pretending to be L. For Misora,” Mello adds. “The FBI agent that L was working with.” Hearing Misora’s name again turns Light’s stomach, but that’s not important right now.

“What do you mean, pretending to be L?”

“You really don’t know who B was?” Mello frowns. He takes a bite of his chocolate and seems to take forever chewing. Light wants to push it down his throat so he can continue. “He and L go way back.”

“Yes, I’m starting to get the idea.” So he was another one of L’s agents? And then, what? He lost his mind and went on a killing spree? That doesn’t explain why L would protect him in such a way as to delete everything he’s ever done.

“B was like, obsessed with L,” Mello continues. “He and A were the first Wammy’s kids who were going to take on the L mantle, eventually.” Another bite. “They both succumbed under the pressure, though. In different ways.”

Wait, what? Another Wammy’s kid?

What’s with that place? Light has only been there twice in the ten years he’s worked with L. He had assumed the fact L took him there meant something… that they could actually trust each other, but L never mentioned having heirs other than Near and Mello. True, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust Light… maybe B wasn’t as important to mention.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case now, does it?

“What was B to L?” He finds himself asking, gripping the cup’s handle maybe a little too tightly. There’s a part of him that doesn’t want to hear the answer.

“Oh, I’m not so sure. L didn’t tell me that,” Mello answers. He breaks a piece of chocolate and uses it to stir the hot cocoa. Light tries not to wince, but knows he’s failed by the way Mello glares at him. “Roger says they were very close when they were growing up.”

Light might slosh his coffee if he doesn’t let go of the handle. He’s growing angrier the more he tries to calm himself down.

Mello seems to pick up on this. He smiles.

“A few weeks after Kira started making the rounds, L called Wammy’s House,” he begins, leaning back in the chair. He looks like he’s enjoying this.

Light wrestles with the need to throw his coffee in his face, but he doesn’t only because he wants to know what he’s about to say.

“You must know by now that he doesn’t call often. I was in Roger’s office with Near when the call came in.” How convenient. “I didn’t hear what he said, but after the call had ended, Roger instructed us to delete everything we’d ever compiled on the previous heirs. That could only mean A and B, since they were the ones we knew of. Apparently, L didn’t want anyone to be able to find that information, and I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Now, though,” he says, eyes shining, “I wonder if it was because he didn’t want you to kill B. Interesting.”

“He’s nowhere to be found,” Light says, because he has to, because this is ridiculous and someone has to point it out. “He’s not in prison anymore.”

“Well, he’s not in Wammy’s House, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Mello takes a sip of the cocoa. “L has a lot of properties around the world. Ah, but you must know that too,” Mello smirks, “since you’re partners. Funny how he doesn’t seem to trust you with his shadow.”

“Shadow?” Light has let go of the cup, so now he’s only digging his nails in his palm.

“B.” Mello eats the last piece of chocolate. “I’ll tell you about the LABB Murders case.”

*

“Where are you taking me?” Light asks, even though he doubts he will get an answer. He’s blindfolded, walking with his hands cuffed behind his back. He’s being guided by L, that much he can tell. Who else is here is a mystery, so he refrains from saying more.

“I figured Kira-kun needed to take some air,” L says, cold fingers pressing softly against Light’s wrist.

“How kind,” Light bites. “I didn’t know you cared that much about me.”

A pause. They walk a couple steps more before L speaks again. “There’s something I wish to discuss with you, actually.”

Light is alert instantly. They must be alone, then. Momentarily, he thinks about pushing L away and running, only they’ve walked and turned so much that Light can’t tell where he is exactly. Plus, he doubts L doesn’t have a contingency plan for that very occasion. Maybe they’re alone, but Watari is watching the stairs while someone else is waiting at the building’s only exit.

It’s been over two weeks. Light hasn’t said much, since he knows there’s not much L can do with a supernatural murder weapon. L has already tried the 13 days fake rule and proved it's a lie, which made him pause for a few days while he reconsidered his plan of action. At least, that’s what he told Light during one of his visits. He visits a lot. Mostly to ask questions Light doesn’t answer.

He has no idea where Misa is, but L is still alive, so either Rem trusts that guilt will be placed on Light no matter what, or there’s been some sort of arrangement. He worries about Rem the most. L can speak to her now, which he clearly has at this point.

He wants to believe Misa wouldn’t betray him, but he doesn’t know what L or Rem have said to her. There's no way she can get to the second notebook now, not without Light’s instructions. She’s clearly not a prisoner, otherwise Rem would’ve sought Light’s aid. Wouldn’t she? He can’t tell what that damned Shinigami thinks most of the time. What a pain.

Soichiro refuses to speak to him, or so he’s been told. According to L, he had to see the recorded footage of Light screaming when he touched the Death Note, then immediately opening his watch and scribbling down Higuchi’s name multiple times. He locked himself inside an interrogation room to listen to the recording, repeating Light’s words over and over, how he thought the Task Force would blindly follow him. He was ashamed when he walked out.

L said that despite that, Soichiro asked him to release Light, offering to take the blame instead, which had left Light speechless at the time. Yet, Light doesn’t know how much of that is true. L could be lying, as he’s prone to do. Maybe he just wanted a reaction out of Light.

Light honestly only worries about his father’s initial threat, when he said that if Light was Kira, he would kill Light and then himself. Despite it all, Soichiro hasn’t shown up. Light thinks it’s more likely L is not allowing him to, but it’s not like he can do anything about it. Knowing his father, if he had wanted Light to be released, he would be out by now. If he had wanted to see him, he would’ve done so by now. Maybe he’s locked up as well.

They’re going up the stairs now. He fantasizes about pushing L down, watching him roll over the steps and hit his head. He imagines L’s eyes giving out as he stares at Light at the top of the stairs, above him like he was always meant to be. His heart speeds up at the image, then he forces it away.

The handcuffs chafe at his skin. Well, they do on the wrist that's never been bound to L before. L takes hold of said wrist, almost as if he could hear his thoughts, and pushes him forward. He hates that he finds L’s cold touch grounding.

A few moments later, a gust of wind hits Light’s face, and he freezes. Where are they?

L pushes him a bit forward, making Light stumble. Is this the roof? What other place in the building has this much open space? Is L insane?

He suddenly thinks maybe L is sick of Light evading his questions and will torture him by dangling him from the edge of the roof. While that’s something L would do, the idea sounds so ridiculous that Light stops that train of thought before it spirals even more.

“Kira-kun,” L says next to his ear.

Light jumps.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Kira-kun,” L says again. Light clenches his jaw. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’m sure you’ve reached the same conclusion that I have: no matter what happens to you, the Death Note has to be destroyed.” Light doesn’t say anything. He wishes L would take the blindfold off, at least. “If I’m correct, you gained back your memories of being Kira from touching it, so I wonder if you’re going to lose them again when it’s destroyed.”

Light has thought about it, whether that’d be enough to get him out of the gallows, which is probably what L is hinting at. He’s not sure what he wants out of this, though.

“As you know, I haven’t made your name public,” L continues, still speaking close to Light’s ear. Almost as if he didn’t want to be heard by anyone else. “I don’t want to give the world a martyr, but that’s something you already know.”

“Then why are you telling me this?” Light asks, despite himself.

“Working with Light-kun was fun.” Light’s chest tightens despite himself. What is he getting at? “But I always knew there was something lacking. It was never the same as it was when we were in To-Oh.” There’s something odd in his voice. Light fiercely wishes that the wind blows away the blindfold so he can turn and look at L. “Now I know it was because you were Kira back then, and you were something else before you touched the Death Note again. I’ve gathered some answers from Rem, but I’m selfish.”

“What are you talking about?” Light’s heart is beating wildly. He doesn’t know what he wants to hear.

“If Light Yagami is executed before the Death Note is destroyed, then justice would be done to Kira. But how can I ensure that happens in that order? No matter what I say, when I present the world’s leaders with a weapon such as this, they might let me kill you, but they won’t want to get rid of something so powerful.

“But if I say the Death Note has to be destroyed before you, to ensure your complete eradication, then will you be memory-less when you walk into the gallows? Is that justice?”

L’s fingers leave his wrist. The next moment, the blindfold falls from Light’s eyes.

It’s nighttime.

Light turns immediately, staring L down.

“What are you getting at?”

“I have an idea,” L says.

He looks so pale, illuminated by the cold white moon. Light doesn’t even have time to think about the fact they are on the roof. His chest hurts with how hard his heart is pounding. His eyes can’t leave L’s. What is this?

“I know there’s things you haven’t told me about the way this works,” L continues. “Rem has told me certain things that are hard to prove, and I know you’ve kept silent because you think I can’t find reason to prosecute you if the murder weapon is supernatural. But I can get you hanged, Light Yagami. My word is more valuable than anything you can ever think of. Interpol wants me to give them Kira. I can show the video of you killing Higuchi and it will suffice.

“But where does that leave me? I’ve figured out Kira’s murder weapon and how he kills. I know how the second Kira managed to kill without a name… but that’s not quite right, is it?” Damn it, Rem. “Still, there’s gaps in the story. If a Shinigami is attached to a Death Note, then there must be another. There has to be, if Amane-san made a deal to be able to see people’s names.”

“Get on with it,” Light grunts.

L pauses. He walks a step closer until he’s almost nose to nose with Light. Light is rooted to the spot. He swallows, unable to look away.

“There’s another Death Note out there, isn’t there?” L whispers. “If you made such elaborate plans to erase your memories and then have them come back, you must have a plan B.” L’s gray eyes look black under the moonlight. There’s something thrumming underneath Light’s skin. “Your mind is on par with mine. No matter where I look, there’s another trap you’ve set out for me to find.

“Like I said, I’m selfish. I’ve enjoyed our games too much. And I have a sense you’ve enjoyed them, too.”

He’s so close. Instead of wanting to move away, though, all Light wants to do is stay put. It’s insane, but he can't help the thrill of being seen.

“I offer you a deal,” L says. Light’s stomach drops. Is he actually insane? “I’ll give them Kira, but you won’t die.”

“What?”

“Work with me,” L answers instead. “We made a good team when you didn’t have your memories. Imagine what we could get done if Kira works with me.” He raises a finger. “Before you think about it, you must know that if something were to happen to me, I've made it impossible for you to take my spot and become L. No matter what you do. Plus, you are to be locked away, immediately, without a trial. So this is your best chance at working as a detective and keeping your memories.”

So, what? He's proposing they destroy one Death Note and keep the other one so that Light doesn't lose his memories? It can't be that simple.

“You want me to give you the location of the other Death Note,” Light says.

“Yes.”

“And to tell you what I've found out about the Death Note’s rules.”

“Yes.”

“And you want me to give up Kira.”

“We could reach a compromise.” Light startles. “No mass killing anymore, but you could still punish prosecuted criminals. Not as obviously, of course. There can't be any doubt about Kira’s ‘destruction’.”

“Not all criminals are prosecuted,” Light says calmly, while there's a storm raging inside him.

Is L seriously going to let Light keep killing people?

He thinks of Wedy and Aiber, how L can turn a blind eye to crime when it suits him, and sneers.

“I don't want to be another one of your criminal puppets,” he says, looking down at L. “I'm not the same as them.”

“No, you're not.” L smiles. It almost looks fond. “Kira-kun believes himself a god, after all. I'm not asking you to be an asset of mine. I'm offering you a partnership.”

Light can feel the corners of his lip tremble. He doesn't know if he's fighting off tears or laughter.

“You think you can dictate what a god does with his power?”

L’s smile grows, delighted.

“Of course.” He touches the tip of Light’s nose. Light turns his head away from the touch. “But I’m sad to inform Kira-kun that a mortal can’t ever be a god, which he should know.”

He ignores that. “What makes you so sure I won’t betray you?”

“Oh, you can betray me. I expect it, in fact.” He sounds happy about it. What kind of creature is he? “But you know the consequences. Plus, I don’t think Kira-kun has actually thought about what a world without me would be like for him.”

“You hold yourself in high regard,” Light spits out. “I’ve done nothing but fantasize about your demise.”

“Well, look at it this way: if you work with me, you can plot my downfall.”

“Are you actually out of your mind?” Light looks for something, anything in L’s eyes that can make this make sense.

L sighs. “Maybe I am.”

Light has nothing to say to that.

His mind is spinning, heart about to give out, arms sore from their position behind his back. This sounds too good to be true. Only a few weeks ago, L was adamant in destroying him, and now this?

It must be a ploy, a desperate attempt to make Light confess to something that can be verified, the last bit L needs to claim his head.

Sure, he’s powerful, but even Interpol will require more concrete evidence. He must be pulling at straws.

Light can’t trust him.

“Kira-kun,” L tuts, as if he could read the distrust on his face. “This is your best chance.”

“There’s no way I can just trust you,” Light says, wishing he could cross his arms and protect himself. “You lie all the time.”

“Pot, meet kettle.” L smirks. Light rolls his eyes. “I knew you were going to say something like this,” he continues, “so here's my insurance:

“I'll give you my name.”

*

“Tell me where he is,” Light orders, storming in their hotel suite. He slams the door behind him.

“I thought you were going to find him yourself?”

“I don’t have time for this,” Light says, standing behind L’s chair. “Where is he?”

“I have to admit, Kira-kun giving up so quickly is rather disappointing.”

“L,” Light warns. “Why did you never tell me about him?”

To that, L pauses. Light hates that these chairs can’t turn around. He wishes he could force L to look at him.

But then, maybe it’s better that he doesn’t. Light doesn’t know what he’d do if L saw through him in a moment like this.

“He set himself on fire so that you paid attention to him,” Light continues, agitation getting the better of him. “Why wouldn’t you want someone like that gone from your life?”

“He was gone,” L says, monotone.

Light bites the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. “Why did you hide him, then?”

“Because I wanted to.”

“But why?!” Light snaps, lunging to grab the chair. He sinks his fingers in the soft velvet of the headrest, inches from L’s hair.

“I didn’t want Kira to kill him, but you knew that already, so these questions are pointless.” L places a sugar cube on top of another on his desk, the foundations of a tower. Light wants to break it.

“Yes, I knew that already,” Light sneers, fighting against himself to… to what? There’s a tangle of emotions locked inside him, anger and hurt and…

He’s not hurt.

He’s insulted. It’s different.

“So, what is it? He was your trophy from the case, and you didn’t want me to play with your toys? Is that it?”

“Sometimes I’m amazed at the places your mind goes to. I suppose it’s why we work well together.” L places another sugar cube in the tower. Light lets the compliment wash over him, ignoring the way his heart squeezes. L doesn’t mean anything by it, he never does. “Give me another theory.”

“He was one of your heirs,” Light says. “You didn’t want Kira to kill one of your own.”

“That’s more plausible, yet you went with the theory that placed you in a similar position.” Light frowns at him, even if L can’t see. “Kira-kun seems to think I collect prizes from my cases because he thinks he’s a prize himself. But have I done that with other cases?” Another sugar cube in the tower.

“That only adds to my point,” Light says, stepping away. He crosses his arms, for lack of anything better to do with his hands. “You kept Wedy and Aiber to use them when it suits you, you kept me to solve cases with you… why did you keep Beyond Birthday?”

“That’s a better question,” L says, balancing yet another sugar cube. Light’s patience is running thin.

“So?”

“Maybe I just don’t want him to die.”

Light steps forward and swings his hand, sending the sugar cubes to the ground. L stares at the remains of his tower and sighs.

“Not everyone serves a purpose to me, Light.” Hearing his name instead of Kira is like a punch to the stomach. Light can’t breathe. “I have… history, with B. It’s complicated.”

A thousand needles pierce through Light’s skin. Nails on a chalkboard, the desperate urge to hurt something, break it with his fingers, crack open someone’s skull and watch it bleed dry. Preferably Beyond Birthday.

He takes a breath.

He doesn’t think about it. Purpose. Light’s purpose is to sit on his hands while he helps L solve cases, going on missions and acting like L’s puppet, while he pretends he has autonomy. He searches for criminals on his own, ‘evildoers’, entertaining himself with a luxurious life – being alive instead of dead – and all the commodities it offers, telling himself he’s L’s equal, but is he really? Has he ever been?

He gets to work while B gets to be protected. He has no purpose other than existing, out there, somewhere Light can’t access. Just because ‘it’s complicated’.

It’s like being spat on. Light seethes, the hurt coiling around his heart, the shame of wanting something he doesn’t have adding to the fire, twisting the pain until all he wants to do is punch L senseless.

“You know the more you hide him and refuse to speak to me about him, the more I want to kill him, right?” His voice is calm. Good. Light turns and walks towards his ensuite room. He opens the door, but pauses before he goes in. He looks over at L, irrationally expecting him to have followed, stood up from his chair at least, but he’s still sitting. He has a sugar cube between his fingers, rotating it slowly. It’s like he doesn’t even care.

Light chastises himself. Of course he doesn’t. When has he ever?

“I will find him,” he says, surprised he has to fight back tears. He hopes L doesn’t hear that. “And I will kill him. I don’t care if he had a troubling childhood, if his actions can be excused with mental illness or whatever sob story he has from being misunderstood. I don’t care if he was your only friend growing up, if he saved you from dying or made you happy,” he spits out. “I don’t care what you do to me. Good luck finding the Death Note.” He steps into the room.

“I did miss being on opposing ends,” L murmurs. Light ignores him, closing the door behind him.

*

“So, how did your date go?”

“It wasn't a date,” Light says, closing the door behind him. He's incredibly irritated, and dealing with L is the last thing he wants to do right now.

L hums. Light can't help but look at him. He does that a lot these days. He hates it.

Hates looking at his hair, his fingers, his mouth when he's talking or eating something. Hates that he's all Light thinks about, even when he's outside living his (pretend) life.

They travel a lot. It's fine, Light has found he enjoys not being rooted to one place. He assumed L had a base of operations somewhere, but soon realized he traveled more than he let on. He's still a hermit that barely takes any sunlight, but at least Light isn't forbidden from going outside.

That was surprising, at first. The trust. The first time he went out on his own, they were in a little town south of Chile, following the trail of a suspect who seemed to be involved with child trafficking. L had to physically restrain Light from writing the suspect's name in the Death Note when they found the first link between him and a sex trafficking network.

“We can't be sure it's legit”, he had said, which was true. “Besides, if our suspect dies before we cash our payment, all this effort will be meaningless.”

Light didn't say he could kill him after they got paid, but he understood the underlying message: If every suspect L investigates dies, that's going to set off suspicion. Interpol knew he was working with L, after all, so he couldn't be too careless.

Nowadays, Light has found himself more occupied with other matters. He still cares about enacting justice, but L was right: getting rid of people for the sake of it doesn't do much to actually change anything. He likes to investigate people now. Since becoming L's partner, he's started taking the brunt of field work, working closely with Watari sometimes. Whether L intends for him to take over Watari’s duties eventually remains to be seen.

In any case, ever since Light started investigating different criminal’s backgrounds, he’s realized corruption runs even deeper than he first thought. A dumb thing, in retrospect, but he knows better now. He's killed a couple crooked judges, one or two millionaires, some “upstanding” politicians, among other various profiles, sending illnesses or common accidents their way to avoid suspicion.

Soon, an inkling of doubt resurfaced online. Could Kira have evolved? Conspiracy theory blogs lost their minds trying to connect cases that were impossible to connect. Light had made sure of that. Still, it’s been fun for him to watch people try to make sense of it.

L knows about these exploits and doesn't seem to care. He knows Light won't give up his current position. Plus, the ever ending threat binding them both is never truly gone. Interpol is not a problem, as far as they're concerned. People die by natural causes every hour. People die in car crashes every day. Most of Kira’s victims never get their secrets exposed, so the general public doesn’t even know what they’ve done for Light to swing the scythe. The world keeps spinning.

Ryuk doesn’t really care about anything. At first, Light was scared that he would find their new lifestyle boring (thus, ending Light’s life), but he seems to find humans extremely captivating. Not only did he take a liking to L – to Light’s immense chagrin – but he finds the extent humans go to to protect their secrets very fascinating. He loves watching L analyze stuff – which was quite insulting to Light on more occasions that he wishes to admit – and has called L “his favorite” ever since he introduced him to strawberries.

L, for his part, finds Ryuk interesting in return. He has a number of questions ready for him every other day, and as long as he has various fruits available, Ryuk will answer. For a while, his questions circled around the shinigami eye deal and how the shinigami eyes worked, making Light think of Misa. It makes him unreasonably upset to acknowledge L still thinks of her, but they've lost all contact per Rem’s request. Of course, that doesn't mean L can't keep tabs on her, which Light knows he does. Knowing Rem will kill both of them the moment either of them make contact with Misa doesn't help at all. Light would've preferred to just kill her and be done with it, but she gets to live a memory-less, free life while a stupid god of death pines for her. Whatever.

Now, six years after Interpol witnessed Light Yagami ‘lose his memories’ for the second time, they're back in Japan. Light's mom and sister were spared the knowledge of his guilt, while Soichiro and the rest of the Task Force were led to believe that Kira was erased from Light's mind. They didn't think anything of L asking him to join his team, though his father was reluctant to let him go at first. Since they're back in Japan, L suggested Light visit his family, just to keep appearances, which he found he was loath to do. Still, he visited his family home and had dinner with them, though they surprised him with a “date” for him.

The fact L knows about it is maddening enough, and although he wants to throttle him and ask if he somehow set that up, he has more pressing concerns.

“Did you know my father is retiring?” He takes off his coat and hangs it on the back of his chair. “He's had another heart attack.”

“Yagami-san works himself too much,” L says, popping a candy in his mouth.

“He's too young to retire,” Light continues, walking back and forth in the room. “He told me his heart condition is only getting worse.”

“Well, maybe he never quite recovered from having a serial killer son,” L muses, unwrapping a lollipop.

“You–” Light fights the urge to choke him with his popsicle. “Are you listening? He's not doing well.”

“That's very unfortunate,” L says, monotone. “Though I'm not sure what Kira-kun wants me to do about it. He has enough money to pay for treatment himself.”

“He wants me to stay,” Light says, ragged. “He's afraid he might not have much longer. He wants me to settle down here and get into the NPA properly. Apparently they'd take me in just for working with you.”

“Yes, the fact he's the Chief of the NPA has nothing to do with it,” L mutters, distracted already. He turns to his computer and twirls his tongue around the popsicle. Light hates that his own mouth waters, eyes following the way the candy goes back inside L's mouth.

He fucking hates sugar.

“Why are we here?” He asks, standing behind L. “The case we’re following is in Hokkaido, not Kanto. We didn’t even need to fly to Japan at all. Why now?”

“How did Takada-san look?” L asks instead, scrolling down information on the screen.

Light swivels L’s chair until he’s looking at him, placing each hand in the chair’s arms.

“Did you know about my father’s heart attack?”

“Takada-san seemed very taken with you in To-Oh,” L says, big eyes shining. “Was she still as interested?”

“I don’t care about Takada!” Light explodes, standing away. “What is this? Do you want me to stay in Japan?”

For once, L looks puzzled. “How did you come to that idea?”

“You wanted me to see my family. You probably kept tabs on them and found out my father had a heart attack, and so you made us come here to… what, exactly? Make me feel like I had to choose between you and my family?”

“I didn’t know what your father wanted to tell you.”

“Yet you know about my ‘date’,” Light says, crossing his arms. “Are you tailing me?”

“I have no need.” L stands up, crossing the room in bare feet until he’s looking out the window. “Your father reached out to Watari. I wasn't aware of his health until then. He requested to speak to you, and since you're not a prisoner, I figured it was a good idea to visit.”

“Then why didn't you tell me before coming here? Aren't we supposed to be ‘partners’?” He spits the word out. “Why do you keep making choices for me?”

“I don't think I've made any.”

“Bringing me here, making me speak to my family, even Takada… you set that up somehow, and I don't even care. What's this really about?”

L rubs one foot with the other, still looking away.

“Tell me,” Light orders, walking up behind him.

“Kira-kun is lonely,” L says. “I might have underestimated how much you care for your family, which I admit it's not something I expected from you.” Light frowns. “I know I don't make for the best company, so,” L shrugs, “I saw no harm in bringing you here.”

Light isn't buying it. “And Takada?”

“That was just to amuse myself. You don't seem to care for women.” Light's stomach drops, but L’s still looking through the window. “Pity, they all fall over themselves for you. She was very taken with you in To-Oh.” L hums. “Is she still pretty?”

Light sneers, something dark and heavy pressing on his ribcage. He hates when L talks about women and how attractive he finds them, often throwing Light at them to interrogate them as if he were a piece of meat.

He doesn't say that all he thought about when he saw Takada today was that she's almost as pale as L. That her fingers are long and slender too. That's pretty much where all similarities end, even with their dark hair.

It felt wrong when his mother fawned over her, when his father's eyes traveled to her small frame as he told Light to settle down in Japan. They don't even know her.

A small, treacherous voice wonders how they would've reacted if L had been his “date”.

“She's always been attractive,” he answers indifferently. He wouldn't know.

L turns around, gray eyes boring holes into his own. He takes the lollipop out of his mouth. It makes a popping sound as it leaves his lips. Light sinks his nails into his palm.

He feels stupid, warmth growing in the back of his neck. He wants to step forward, step into his space and… and shake him, maybe punch him. He doesn't know what to do with this. He never does.

“I won't stay in Japan,” he says. “I know I can't.”

A tiny smile. “Yes, I'm afraid Kira can't stay out of my sight for too long.”

Light hates the thrill that runs down his spine. Hates that he still wants L to look at him.

He wonders what he sees now.

L steps away, walking back to his chair.

“I'm sure Yagami-san will understand.”

*

Light gasps, back resting against the door. He’s crying now, the burn in his chest unbearable. There’s noise in his head too, a buzz that keeps repeating the word purpose like it’s venom. How stupid is he?

There’s a small part of him that wants to calm down, that thinks maybe he’s overreacting, but the bigger, more demanding part of him is broken, so angry and hurt he can barely stand it.

Yes, it hurts to realize he might not be that special to L after all. That’s the kicker, isn’t it? He thought, stupidly, that while L had excused thieves and conmen to employ as he saw fit, he had to make an exception for a serial killer. One. Kira. Not another one, a guy he has history with, someone that’s not Light, that has known him for longer, that he protected from Light. That he’s actively protecting now, by keeping quiet.

He thinks of the roof, all those years ago. The way L looked haggard but determined, offering something so insane that it must’ve been a lie. Light didn’t want to trust him, didn’t want to believe there could be more, and yet… yet…

He thinks of the way L was standing so close. The way the moon caressed his pale skin, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. He’s thought about that moment on more occasions than he can count, the longing that’s stuck between his ribs pulsing with a violent need, something that he’s known was never the point, but what if…? What if L had offered the deal because he felt the pull too?

How fucking pathetic.

A mind that can keep up with him. A piece of meat to throw at women that are willing to give information to a good-looking guy that will never be a threat because he will never want them. Someone with an actual brain, able to connect the dots where no one sees them. A partner that can be useful in an investigation, nothing more.

Why did he ever think there could be anything more?

No, he never truly believed it. He knew it was wishful thinking, something that was best dealt with by denying it. Ignoring it. He never wanted to name it, the jealousy that he felt when L talked about women, when he looked over Misa’s whereabouts; the pain he felt when he realized there is someone L cares about, and that that someone is not Light.

He’s shaking now. He wonders what Beyond actually means to L. What kind of history binds the people in that place. Did L actually want to protect him? He must have, he wouldn’t have deleted everything about him, otherwise. Another serial killer. He must really like collecting them, huh?

Light scowls. He was only special because of the case itself. Beyond was special despite the case. He did everything to get L’s attention, and he got it. He even got his protection. Light wanted to kill L, and now he’s here. Chasing after a ghost.

He breathes. He takes a step, then another, then he’s at the edge of his bed. He leans down and takes the piece of paper from under the mattress. A dumb and dangerous place, but he's taken to hiding pages of the Death Note in the simplest places. No one tends to look in the most obvious spot.

He walks to his desk. Sits down, takes a pen.

He has his name.

L Lawliet.

A ridiculous name, fit for a ridiculous man.

A man that has hurt him on more occasions that he should’ve been able to. A man that only uses him for his own purpose, not once thinking about Light in the way he deserves.

How dare he make Light feel like this? How dare he sneak uninvited into the darkest crevices of his heart? That black, empty place should’ve stayed like that. Must stay like that. There’s no place for love for people like him – that weak, delusional state only idiots fall victim to. Light’s not an idiot. Light is better than this. Better than needing someone, better than yearning for attention from someone who he thought could really see him. Only now, Light wonders if L actually saw through him. If he did and knew of these ugly, disgusting feelings, and decided to treat him like the dirt beneath his shoe.

He presses the tip of his pen to the paper. He’ll kill him, get him out of his life, then find Beyond Birthday and kill him too. They can reunite in another lifetime, far away from Light. He doesn’t care about whatever L did to ensure he would be detained. He has money now; he can escape. He will let L rot in this hotel while he hops on their helicopter and flies anywhere else.

It’s easy. Just write the name.

His hand shakes, pen still pressed against paper.

He sees L’s face, clear as day.

Gray eyes shining. Long fingers tapping away at the keyboard. His dark hair falling over his eyes as he sleeps, hunched over on his chair. His pale skin, so translucent he can see the veins in his hands. His thin lips stretching slowly into a smile. His voice, saying Light’s name.

He throws the pen away and rips the paper to shreds, tears running freely down his face. He’s so angry with himself he wishes someone could punch him. He thinks of going outside and trying to start a fight with L, something that could turn physical, so that he could get his anger out and get beaten up as well. He wishes, pathetically, that he could feel the muscle beneath L’s clothes, even if it’s just like this.

He wants to scream.

Light stands up and walks into the bathroom. He looks in the mirror, finding a wreck staring back at him. This can’t be. He splashes water on his face, wills himself to calm down. Breathe in and out.

Enough of this. His feet take him to the main suite. He doesn’t know what he’ll say to L, but he feels the need to just be near him, which is more upsetting than he wants to admit.

The moment he steps into the room, he notices he’s alone. Light frowns.

“L?”

No response.

He looks for him all over the hotel room, but he’s nowhere to be found. He never goes out if he can help it, so what’s this?

As he walks back into the main suite, he sees L’s computer. It’s closed. Light looks around, as if someone had placed cameras – which L has, probably. He looks back at the computer. Fuck it. He grabs it and sits down on the couch.

It doesn’t take him much to unlock it. He’s figured out different number combinations, secret codes and random numbers related to L at this point. His heart races as he browses through the files, not sure about how exactly to find what he needs.

His eyes keep going to the main door, expecting it to blast open at any second, but it doesn’t happen.

Then, he finds it.

A video feed of a prisoner cell, but it’s empty.

Light’s fingers shake as he scours for more videos, looking at different people who have been placed in the cell. He has no idea if any of them are Beyond Birthday. The videos are old, some of them dated before the Kira case. He searches the numbers on the files to find information on the cell location, and that brings him to a file with different addresses.

One of them is in the city they’re staying in.

Light’s breath catches. It can’t be this simple.

A small voice in the back of his head tells him this seems too good to be true, that L probably set this up somehow, but whatever. A lead is a lead.

He closes all tabs and places the laptop back where he found it.

*

“Why?” Light asks, bewildered. His name? Why do this?

L shrugs. “I want you,” he says.

Light stops breathing. What. He definitely didn’t hear that right. Light feels warmth creeping over the back of his neck, a painful twist in the pit of his stomach, needles piercing his chest. What is this?

“Your mind, that is,” L adds, after what feels like an eternity.

Embarrassment coils around Light’s entire body. What the hell kind of reaction was that? He’s glad L can’t read his mind. Light wants to throw himself off the roof.

“I don’t want to praise you,” L continues, “because I don’t think you deserve it, but you are part of a very special case. Something that I never thought would be possible, yet here you are. Maybe I am being stupid about this, but I have a feeling that if I let you die, I will be miserable for the rest of my days. This is more about me than you,” he says, looking away. Light misses his attention immediately. “I guess I want to try something new.”

Light is surprised to find he wants to believe him. He’d be lying if he said this isn’t an ideal proposition, or something he would be averse to do. In his life before Kira, he was set out to become a detective anyway, and he is good at it. He knows he is. He doesn’t need L’s praise or his father’s or anyone else’s.

But to be reduced to only killing prosecuted criminals… that’s not what Kira stands for. True, it’s better than dying, but Light can’t settle for that.

“Kira wants to cleanse the world of evil, not just kill for the sake of killing,” he starts, a kindle of fury growing in the pit of his stomach. “There’s no ‘quota’ to fill, no need for punishment. He just wants those who do evil gone.” He takes a step forward, forcing L to look at him again. “I can’t just play into a game of your own design. I have a duty that’s greater than me. If I have to die to uphold that, then so be it.”

L raises an eyebrow.

“So the FBI agents are evildoers in Kira’s eye? Naomi Misora? Who knows who else you’ve murdered to get what you want. If Kira truly wanted to eradicate evil,” L says, unbearably close now, “then he wouldn’t kill innocent people, would he? What about the innocent falsely accused? Does Kira care to investigate that at all, or does he go through a list like he’s grocery shopping? What does Kira think evil means, anyway? Because if it’s just about people ‘breaking’ the law, then Kira-kun needs to grow up.”

Light fights off the urge to smash his head into L’s. Oh, how he wants to hurt him. Damned handcuffs, damned position. He’s so angry he can barely think.

“And yet you want me to kill people who’ve been prosecuted?” He laughs. It might sound a little hysterical. “You are such a hypocrite.”

“I don’t think I’m a hypocrite,” L says, cocking his head. “I’ve never said I care about people’s fates once they’ve been placed behind bars. If Kira wants to make a difference in the world, he’s going about it the wrong way. I’ve never said otherwise. Kira is childish and petty, just like me.” He takes a step back.

Light loathes every cell in his body for missing his proximity.

“Kira-kun is the one that loses either way. I wanted to offer you a way out, but if you’d rather die–”

“Shut up,” says Light. “Just shut up.” He closes his eyes. He can’t let his pride get the better of him. That’s what got him into this mess in the first place.

He just has to agree with this. For now. L even said he’s expecting Light to betray him, and he’s not stupid, he knows that if the Kira murders continue in the same fashion, Light will be the main suspect immediately.

“You can keep the Death Note with you,” he says, to make L think he’s conceding. “If I ever want to kill someone, I’ll run it by you. You can even watch, since you seem to love doing that so much.” He doesn’t mean that to sound so suggestive. He barrels through, not giving it time to sit. “You know now that there’s different ways to kill with the Death Note, so we can get creative.” Using ‘we’ to rope him into this, L will clearly tell what he’s trying to do, but Light doesn’t care. “I’m not stupid, I know Kira can’t be truly back, but I can’t sit back and pretend I’m okay with not doing anything anymore. Not if I have my memories.” He walks back into L’s space. “And for some reason, you seem to prefer this version of me.”

L’s eyes widen slightly. Interesting. Maybe he can pursue this.

“If you wanted Light Yagami as your partner, you could just destroy the Death Note and get him back. But you don't. You want Kira.”

“You just want me to tell you how special you are,” L says, eyes shining. “I already told you, I want your mind. The full version of it, not the lobotomized one. Unlike you, I can recognize the rarity of finding someone whose mind can keep up with mine. You of all people should know how boring the world is with everyone else.”

Light does. And loathe as he is to admit it, the prospect of working with L is stupidly exciting. Besides, there's something about being a suspect that L can't let go of that pleases him.

Yes, he loves being told he's special, because he is.

“Kira-kun,” L calls, bringing him back. He presses his thumb to his lower lip. “Don't think I've forgotten about that piece of paper in your watch.” Light narrows his eyes. “Kira-kun is kind with his offer, but I don't care about the game of you sneaking pages and pretending I have full control of the Death Note. I told you, I want us to be partners, not enemies.

“You think you can cleanse the world of evil, but don't do yourself a disservice. You're clever, so think.” L smiles. “I'm not going to stop you. By all means, keep using the Death Note to kill to your heart's content. You can kill me if you want, make me your villain. But don't call it justice. Don't pretend that you're doing it for a reason other than your ego.”

He takes the blindfold with the tip of his fingers, dangling it in front of Light.

“Kira-kun did say something interesting, though. If I want Light-kun back, I can just destroy the Death Note. I wonder if he means for me to die that way?” He looks at the piece of fabric. “Or did he forget he wrote that fake rule?”

Light's frozen on the spot. What? This conversation feels like constant whiplash. So he's just going to give Light his name and let him keep the Death Note?

No, that's not the important thing. L used him – again – to confirm his theory. He figured out the other fake rule Light made Ryuk write down, the one that said that if the Death Note is destroyed, everyone who has ever touched it will die. That's what he wanted to know. He kept mentioning it too, how he had to destroy the notebook in front of Interpol, and Light never brought up the fact that he would die anyway if the Death Note was gone.

L is smiling. Of course he is. Light doesn't think he has seen him smile so much as he had these past few weeks.

“I will give you my name,” he says. “You can ask Rem-san if I'm lying. She's agreed to cooperate in exchange for Amane-san's freedom.” He raises his hand before Light can speak. “She will not lie on my behalf. She's made it clear she doesn't care about our games. You can also ask the other Shinigami when we retrieve the other notebook.

“I suggest you hide your weapon very well. Who knows? I like Kira-kun right now, but I may miss Light-kun later.”

*

His steps echo in the empty hallway. It’s almost as if the cold, gray walls are closing in on him, but Light keeps walking.

He’s not sure what he’ll find once he gets to the door at the end of the hallway. It’s meant to be a storage room, but it’s listed on L’s multiple addresses file. Maybe it’s not a prisoner cell, maybe it’s just a storage room, but Light needs to check, he needs to make sure.

The door handle is cold to the touch. Everything here is cold, seeping into Light’s bones. His chest hurts with the way his heart hammers inside his ribcage. Enough. He turns the handle and opens the door.

His breath catches at the sight before him.

A broken piece of furniture that could maybe have been a mattress in the past lies on the ground. He sees magazines thrown on the floor, a few water bottles scattered around. There’s a table with a pair of handcuffs placed on top and a single chair in the corner of the room, where L is sitting in his usual crouch. When their eyes meet, he waves at Light, a small smile on his lips. Light scoffs and stays in the door frame, eyes scanning the rest of the room, but there’s nothing else here.

Of course, L baited him here. Really naive to think he could’ve found what he was looking for.

He’s about to turn and walk away when L speaks.

“I’m afraid there’s only one chair in the room,” he says. “But Kira-kun doesn’t mind standing up, does he?”

Light rolls his eyes, turning around.

“I used to keep B here,” L says, conversationally, as though he was talking about the weather. Light’s heart skips a beat. He turns back, staring at L. “He was here, just a few minutes ago. You just missed him.”

“What?” Light walks in, eyes roaming every surface, every corner, looking for any trace. Then it hits him. “What do you mean, he was here? Did you come see him?” The ugly jealousy twists in the pit of his stomach, molten fire heavy, dripping down like lead.

“Kira-kun is becoming rather slow,” L says, a tone of lament in his voice. Light grits his teeth. “What happened to his intellect? His spot on deductions? Has feeling affected his judgment?”

It’s like a slap to the face. Light freezes, staring at L.

So, that confirms it. He’s always been able to see right through Light.

Well, of course he did. He always had. He didn’t have to do anything about Light’s feelings, could in fact use them at his advantage, which he clearly did. Light fights to keep his face calm, but he’s never been able to hold it together for too long in front of L. Still, he looks away, not willing to let him see the pain.

Agony, the last remains of dignity slipping through his fingers. He should leave, avoid the disgrace.

He walks towards the once-mattress, staring at the holes and wondering what’s to become of him. If L is to ignore his yearning, as he has all these years, and expect him to keep quiet about it as he had all along. If he’s willing to do that, as well.

“What is B to you?” Light asks, a weak attempt to deflect.

“He’s many things,” L answers. Light feels empty inside. “He was my first friend, as you correctly guessed. For a while, I thought he’d be the only one.” His tone is wistful, far away. Light turns despite himself to look at him. He looks small, staring off into the distance. Light sinks his nails into his palm. “The idea that Kira could just dispose of him didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t want him to die.

“I don’t,” L continues, then pauses, closing his eyes. He seems to be at a loss for words, which is a first. “I’m not… good, to people,” he tries. Light crosses his arms, not sure where this is going. “You of all people should know that.” His mouth twitches as if he were trying to smile. Light frowns, fighting the urge to step close into his space. L looks so fragile, like he could break with just the smallest push. Somehow, that doesn’t make Light feel any better. “I don’t really care about others, I prefer to be alone. I don’t know how to… be a person, I guess. I don’t do well with other people’s expectations. That’s why it was easier to run the show from the backline. To be a letter on a screen.

“But then, you changed that.” L smiles now, a tiny thing, but he still doesn’t look at Light. “You made me do things I never thought I would do. Enrolling in To-Oh, making you work close to me, the handcuffs… I was fascinated. I couldn’t stop this need,” he says softly. Light can’t breathe. “I knew you were Kira and all I wanted to do was to keep you close, watch you, feel the thrill of being next to you. Then you changed.” L looks at him for a brief second, then his eyes go to the ceiling. “You were ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and all the things a sane person should be, but you’ve always been too perfect for your own good. I missed you, even though we were chained together. It was depressing. Embarrassing, even.”

Light is rooted to the spot, unable to move. He wants to move, he wants to close the distance between them and… and… This is insane. What is L even saying? He doesn’t want to believe, he can’t trust… and yet.

L’s eyes meet his. Time freezes; there's no oxygen to breathe in anymore.

“Then you were back,” L continues, eyes boring into Light’s. He’s not sure what his own face is doing, but L seems fascinated with what he sees, which is doing things to Light’s insides. “And you know I’m selfish. I couldn’t let you go again.”

“Then why?” Light whispers, feeling like he’s about to break.

“Why what?” L asks kindly. His hand twitches, the only sign that he’s nervous.

Light wants to move forward, but can’t. The distance between them seems far greater than the steps he needs to take. He’s surprised to find he’s scared, scared that this is all just a ploy to get his mind off Beyond Birthday, to play with his feelings just to torture him, payback for all he’s ever done.

“You know how I feel.” It’s not a question, because Light doesn’t need to ask. He’s always been excellent at hiding – from his family, his peers, the world – but there have always been a pair of eyes that see right through him. “Why not… do something about it?”

L shrugs. He looks at the ground. Light misses his attention immediately. “It was just conjecture. The probability of me being right was about 65%, mostly because I feared I was projecting my own feelings into my reasoning. Besides, I know you. You probably didn’t even acknowledge your feelings yourself. Your pride has always been bigger than anything else.” He cocks his head to the side. “There was also the possibility that you developed an attachment to me just because of proximity, and I could have taken advantage of that, but I told you. I’m not good to people. I ruin them. I did that to B and I didn’t want to do that to you. Not more than I already had, in any case. Being partners was the best option for us. I just wanted to be near you.”

Breathe in and out. Light looks at his hands, then realizes his vision is blurry. Great, he’s crying. So all the pretending, all the work he’s done to neglect his own feelings, to push them down as soon as they tried to suffocate him. All the pain and the desperation, the feeling of being unwanted by the only person that has ever mattered to him… All of that was not only unnecessary, but stupid.

Light starts laughing despite himself. He’s sure he sounds hysterical, but he doesn’t care.

“So, what changed?” He finally steps forward. L tenses. Yeah, Light might not be looking great. He’s still laughing, but he brushes the tears away. “Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?”

“Because he’s gone now.” L says, and Light stops laughing immediately.

“What?”

“B,” L clarifies, though it isn’t needed. “He’s gone.”

This conversation feels like whiplash. Light doesn’t know what he’s feeling anymore. Well, the anger is easier to spot. He latches onto it, desperate to have an anchor.

“Gone how?” Light crosses his arms.

How nice, L decides to suddenly confess his undying devotion for Light and tell him he shouldn’t worry about the serial killer he’d been hiding. Of course Light is going to believe this! How stupid does L think he actually is? Light wants to throw him off his chair. He wants to punch him and make him bleed.

“Light,” L says. He’s looking at him like he’s done something funny, which only adds fuel to the fire. “He’s gone.”

“No,” Light says immediately, shaking his head. “I’m not just going to believe you.”

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to show you his face?” L sounds like he means it. Light won’t trust him, he can’t. “We’ll make Ryuk tell you his name from the picture.”

“Ryuk will never just agree to give us information. He doesn’t help anyone but himself.”

“We’ll give him strawberries,” L says, standing up. He walks the distance until he’s close enough to touch. Light burns. “I know you find it hard to trust me, but I haven’t lied to you when it matters, and you know it.” He raises his hand to reach for Light’s wrist, then seems to think better of it, letting it drop. “I’ve kept my part of the deal. You know I have.” He looks away. Light notices his eyes start to shine, and panics. Is he crying? He doesn’t think he’s ever seen L cry. “I know this was important to you and I’m sorry I didn’t let you kill him, but he’s… mine.” A single tear runs down his cheek. “And I gave him up for you. Just like I keep giving myself to you.” He seems to find the tear weird himself, pressing his finger over the trail on his cheek, then examining it close. He frowns at it just as another tear falls. “You don’t seem to understand that I put my life in your hands,” he says to his finger, but Light listens. “I don’t need you to work for me. I don’t care what you do, as long as you let me be there. I told you, I just want you near me.” He sighs. “I guess feelings really make people stupid.”

“You took my right to kill him,” Light says, ignoring the way his chest is expanding.

“Your right?” L raises an eyebrow, looking back at him.

Light takes hold of his hand before he thinks better of it. “Yes, my right. You keep on making choices for me,” he murmurs, taking a step forward. L’s hand feels cold to the touch. “For all your talk about us being partners and letting me do whatever I want, you don’t seem to stop wanting to control me.” He pulls him by the hand, making L stumble into him. Light’s heart is about to give out, but he’s had enough of this. “I still can’t fully trust you,” he whispers against L’s mouth, “but I’m going to make my own choices now.”

He pushes forward and kisses him. A soft brush of lips at first, but Light has been hungry for too long. He takes hold of L’s face with one hand and brings him closer, pressing their bodies together. L grabs the lapels on Light’s shirt and pulls him even closer, panting against his mouth. Light is dizzy, desire clouding his mind. His hand sinks in L’s dark hair, the other one following suit. L opens his mouth and Light doesn’t waste any second before he’s slipping his tongue inside. He’s burning. He’s finally alive. He wants to do this forever. He’s so mad it took so long to get here. All the pent up frustration breaking apart is too much, yet not enough. He’s feeling so much at once, all the anger, the love, the hatred, the pain, the need, the longing. L’s arms circle around him and Light feels that he’s finally home.

They break apart after what feels like hours, Light leaning forward for more. He steals a kiss, grazing L’s lips softly. “You’re mine,” he whispers, possessive heart beating wildly in his chest. “You’re only mine.”

L still has his eyes closed, uncharacteristic of him. He smiles. “Yes,” he whispers back. His eyes open, big and shining. “And Light belongs to me.”