Chapter Text
"So," Jared says with his face looking tired.
As if he had been trying to make himself look okay but now has realized he simply can't.
Even Alana seemed tired. But she was holding herself together better than the rest of them. She had always been better at faking enthusiasm, and this time wasn't an exception. "How'd everyone do on their exams?"
"Horrible," Connor murmured into the table.
The math exam must have beaten Connor down. Evan knew he was really confident after the literature one, but now his mood was so down in the slumps- as if a switch had been flipped.
‘’I think I didn’t pass,’’ the boy continues.
Jared sighs, chewing his lip.
Alana tries to save the situation.
‘’Hey, don’t be so negative, you don’t know that!’’
‘’But I know.’’
The atmosphere is suffocating. It was planned to be a pleasant hang out to come down from the stress of exams, but it seems to have the opposite effect.
And Zoe isn’t there either, she had jazz band practice considering they’re putting on a concert near the end of the school year.
Evan was tired. His heart felt heavy, as if someone had placed a hundred pound heavy brick onto his chest.
He wanted to lay down, but he was scared that if he did, he would never get back up again.
It was a scary thought, that a person could just break down like that.
And it wasn’t just the stress from the exams. He didn’t quite know what it was.
It felt like his insides had twisted and he was being pulled in different directions, putting him in as much agony as possible.
His anxiety had been getting worse. He didn’t know what he was doing wrong.
He was taking his medication. He was going for walks and sleeping. …Sometimes. If it worked out. But he was seeing his friends and talking with Dr. Sherman.
Well. Sometimes he lied a little to his therapist, but only when necessary.
‘’There’s a good reason, okay? White lies don’t count,’’ he always told himself.
There was some darkness that creeped into the back of his mind, which made him wonder if things would look differently if he always told the truth.
It would probably look a lot worse.
He didn’t want to talk about the processes happening in his head.
And Connor had also started seeing Dr. Sherman.
There were…different views about it.
On one hand, Connor thought she was nice, but, on the other hand, it scared him that she seemed to look through him.
Evan knew that feeling. As if you can’t hide anymore, no matter how much you want to.
But if your walls are built high enough, even Dr. Sherman can’t look past them.
He didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.
‘’Is there even any point of us sitting here?’’ Jared sighed. ‘’We’re all fucking miserable.’’
He got a nasty look from the librarian who shushed him, but Jared didn’t seem to care.
Connor groaned. ‘’It was your idea, by the way. In case you forgot.’’
‘’It feels somehow different without Z-Zoe here. As if, um, I’m not sure how to act,’’ Evan stuttered.
He didn’t really mean to say it out loud. But the words came out before he could even think or try to stop them.
‘’Maybe we stop here for today,’’ Jared said.
And there wasn’t anyone who really had the strength to disagree.
‘’Silence has overtaken
And we must adapt.
These walls you’ve built around you
Are proof of your human self.
I want to look into the mirror
You keep near your heart.
Will it say more words than your mouth has ever?
Only time will be able to tell.’’