Archive of Our Own ^beta

When that day begins, Tommy is very excited. They are going to start the morning with a meeting they’ve been planning for ages. Tommy is calling it “The Big Gay Meeting” in his head. They decided to do this when someone pointed out that while they were diverse in numbers, most videos were yet pretty straight and cis in their humor and vibe. Yeah, Smosh videos acknowledged gay people exist, but never from their own perspective. So Courtney proposed the idea of making these meetings once every other week to pitch ideas, and make it happen from a queer perspective, everything would be very LGBTQIAP+ centered, the writing, the production, the cast, the editing, and yeah, Tommy was very excited for that. It had been a while since he had something he was looking forward to like that.

And he is so proud of everyone there, cast and crew, everyone bursting with ideas and commitment. Some of the people are more publicly out, some are more subtle, he notices Angela is there, and that’s something they never openly talked about but it doesn’t surprise Tommy that she could be there. He also knows of someone who’s not straight but decided not to participate, still coming to terms with their sexuality to be out to the whole office, and he gets it. In general, it was feeling like a safe space, and from what he had heard already, it was going to be full of great ideas.

It is five minutes past the time they settled, the chattering in the conference room is intense. By the wall, Court and Vida are trying to set up a canva presentation. Tommy is just telling Erin about this challenge pit idea he had that he wants to pitch, and they’re laughing so hard picturing it, when the door opens creaking and Spencer comes in.

There is not a single day that Tommy sees Spencer that he doesn’t feel just mesmerized by his looks. The guy is always so casually gorgeous. Today he is wearing one of his denim jackets that looks like three times his size, his big round glasses on he tip of his nose, he is holding his stupid steel mug that probably has his first Kickstart of the day already and just his cute little face just distracts Tommy for a couple seconds, before it downs on him: What is Spencer doing here?

“Hey Spence, my guy, the Big Gay Meeting is just about to start, actually.” He says, because maybe Spencer is actually lost in their schedule of the week, or maybe he is doing a bit. “We are about to start planning our world dominance.” He does a voice like a silly cartoon villain. He expects Spencer to laugh, make some silly joke about being in the wrong room or something, apologize and just leave.

What he doesn't expect is for him to sit in the chair between Alex and Damien. “Yeah, sorry I’m a little late.” He says simply and his face is relaxed, if not a little shy. He settles the mug in the table before him and doesn’t seem to be leaving. Tommy doesn’t know why he’s doing this. That moment he sees Courtney standing up straight (Ha. Straight. Funny.) and the title slide is projected on the wall behind them.

“Buddy, as much as I appreciate your effort and allyship, the straighties need to stay outside for this one. It is a funny bit, ha ha, but they really need to start the presentation now. C’mon.” He knows his tone is a little passive aggressive, but he honestly is kinda feeling like it. Why is he still here? Is he expecting everyone to start laughing? It hurts a little more than it should that Spencer thinks it is funny to mess with something as important as this is. He knows no one else is saying anything because it is uncomfortable, but he thinks their friendship allows at least a little bit of scolding.

“What the fuck, man? No, I’m staying!” Spencer doesn’t leave, rotates his chair to face the projector and ignores him. That’s when Tommy sees red.

“This is NOT funny, Spencer.” His tone is not light now. In hindsight Tommy knows he overreacted, but he just feels his chest burn with anger. He realizes he is up from his chair with his fists on the table and his torso leaning like he is about to jump over the table. Erin is still close to him, her hand lightly touches his arm like she’s trying to soothe him or hold him back. He is barely aware of the rest of them, just that now everyone else is dead silent. “Please, leave the room. Now.”

“Tommy, don’t-” He hears someone say, but he is just staring at Spencer, daring him to do something. His eyes behind the glasses now looking back at Tommy, big and shiny and serious. Tommy sees some hurt there, before Spencer finally grabs his things and gets up. “No, it’s okay, I’ll go.” And he just leaves the room. Alex Tran follows him a little bit after.

After that Tommy is messed up. He asks Court to start the presentation, and as they do, Tommy tries to pay attention but his mind just won’t follow. After a while Alex comes back, Tommy doesn’t know exactly how long it takes. The slides have some demographics, some bullet points, and even a funny video, and after that some people pitch their ideas. His own idea seem stupid now. The meeting ends and his mind still feels glitchy.

--

After the meeting he just goes to his work station and tries to be useful, but all he can do is mechanical work, the creativity and the rationality are all gone from his brain. He waits to lunch a little bit later, not feeling like sitting with everyone and chatting, not feeling like explaining why he was so angry, and why he still feels like shit. Also he’s a little bit afraid he’ll run into Spencer and he’ll act like there’s nothing wrong, but he hasn't even seen Spencer for a while now, and maybe that’s for the better. He’s not sure how that’d go.

The thing is - Tommy had a very good and well developed protocol on what to do about cute straight friends. He has been gay for all his life, thank you very much, it was not like this was the first time he thought that a straight friend made his eyes wander a little bit, he had to find a way to survive sleepovers and locker rooms after all. So along the years he established the best course of action.

First: acknowledge the feeling. Don’t deny it, because denying only makes it worse. Realize that you are attracted to the guy, and that it is okay. Stare the feeling in the eye, ask it its name, and shake its hand.

Second: don’t feed the feeling. Don’t overthink the situations, don’t twist his words, don’t ask too many open-ended questions. You don’t wanna become hopeful, start getting silly ideas. Might as well buy a red nose and face paint.

Third: don’t go telling anyone, even if it is someone you trust. People learn to give advice from silly straight romcoms starring Katherine Heigl and Matthew McCounaughey, and they will make you believe that anything can happen, that they reciprocate your feelings and are willing to run to an airport just to tell you that.

Fourth and last: don’t make yourself small for him. Even if you feel like he is a good guy who deserves everything. (That one he added last, with the help of his therapist a couple years ago.)

So when Tommy started working at Smosh and met Spencer, he thought he was kinda cute but that was okay. He had been applying that protocol ever since. He was prepared. At first Spencer was only cute and that was it, so it was easier, it didn’t bother him. He noticed the cuteness whenever it was presented. It was nice to admire his nice smile and unruly hair. The way his clothes looked too big for him. As the time went by, they started to hang out more and become good friends, and Tommy couldn’t help but feel more and more delighted, enthralled and enraptured by everything that Spencer is. His sense of humor, the way he quietly cared for everyone, his creativity, his dedication. His lips and how they get red and shiny when he licks them as he’s editing. He did everything he could not to feed the feeling, but nonetheless it grew.

And Spencer was a great friend, he never made a fuss but was always there for everyone, he was never judgmental, never selfish, and honestly until that day, a good ally. He wouldn’t avoid talking with Tommy about anything gay, be it about some silly Trixie Mattel joke he had to show someone, or maybe that one time he told about an awful date he went and Spencer just kept getting fifty shades of red but never told him to stop. He also respected everyone’s pronouns (which should be the bare minimum but nonetheless), made sure to ask if he was comfortable with some of his weird bits that he worried may come across as homophobic or just invasive (and most of the time, Tommy not only was okay, he genuinely thought they were funny and made him laugh). So in general, A Good Ally (trademark symbol). Spencer jokes about his own sexuality a lot, and for Tommy it only meant that Spencer wasn’t avoidant, wasn’t one of this “no homo, ew” straight guys. Tommy appreciated that. Even if a little part inside of him wished that they were more than a joke.

So when Spencer got into that meeting, it wasn’t exactly out of character of him, to joke a little about it. What Tommy didn’t expect was for him to stay. I guess it just served to show that straight guys can’t be trusted, even if they have good intentions most of the time.

It just hurt Tommy. He was genuinely feeling like a fool for trusting Spencer, for developing feelings for him. He felt like a meeting that was supposed to be a safe space was disrespected. Not only Tommy himself, but everyone else there. A part of him was blaming himself for being so naive. He shouldn’t have expected any different.

He was just messing with his lunch, chopsticks messing with a splotch of soy sauce on his plate, trying to feel hungry enough to eat the remaining of his chicken, when Courtney sat beside him, her face concerned.

“Hey buddy, can I sit here?”

“Sure” Of all people that could come by and talk to him, Court was perhaps the only one he would feel fine, by then, to really talk to. Even if he was already dreading the talk in itself. “Want some half cold chicken?”

“No, thanks” They made a funny face at his plate. “I just came to check in on you. What was that today?” Their tone was not upset at him, more genuine curiosity.

Tommy sighed. He stared at the table, then at Courtney, trying to elaborate how much of it he wanted to talk about, how much he actually should take off his chest. “I just don’t understand why he did that? Like oh, you wanted attention that much?”

“Well.” They started with a low voice, tone soothing and hand in his shoulder, reassuring. “There’s some things that only he can say, I can’t put words in his mouth and guess here. But I don’t think it was because he wanted attention.” Tommy sighs and lays his head on her shoulder. He feels comfortable and cozy around Courtney and he needs this feeling right now. “I was just worried, I have never seen you like this.”

“Yeah, I don’t usually get like this. I guess I got that angry because I care that much. And feels vulnerable caring that much. I hate feeling vulnerable.” (As he says it, he remembers a day last week when the crew got out and he drank just a tiny bit much, and Spencer offered to drive him home, and he was wearing a big hoodie and just took him to his apartment and Tommy just remembers Spencer opening the passenger door to help him out of the car and he was looking so cuddly and smelling good, that Tommy laid his head in Spencer chest for a couple seconds, and felt just so vulnerable then. It felt just so good when Spencer put his hand in his head, scratched his hair a little, and helped him out of the car. Maybe he doesn’t hate feeling vulnerable.) “I don’t wanna lose him.” He admits, finally, in almost a whisper.

“You both need a little more communication. Or maybe better communication. That’s all I’ll say. I know he is your friend and cares a lot about you, I don’t think he is happy about whatever happened either, give him a chance to explain himself. First cool down a little then you gotta talk to him.”

After that, Courtney just squeezes his hands and then leaves him to his lunch again. He never actually finishes all the chicken, but he manages to eat some more. Some more hours go by and Tommy distracts himself. Tries to.

The talk with Courtney made him feel a little better, if only because he knows that he’ll be okay anyway, he has some good people around him. He is planning on talking with Spencer, but in his mind he’ll do it the next day, after a good night of sleep. So when Kiana texts him to see her in the kitchen, he goes because they have some content to discuss anyway. He realizes that is not it when he arrives to not only her there, but Spencer too. She is talking quietly to him, and his face is away from the door but Tommy can see that he is there, his face just turned towards the ground, away from Kiana too. He respects Kiana too much to feel angry about this trap, also because he knows that he would’ve stalled this for more than just a day, even if he didn’t want to. As soon as she sees him, she grabs her coffee and just leaves the kitchen, the only thing she says is “Listening is also communication.” And he is not sure if it was intended for him or for Spencer, but he is very aware that they were having a big talk too, and it feels a little like she was giving some Kiana-style advice, harsh truths like it or not. As Kiana goes through the door, he sees her closing it to give them the privacy they need. He’s gonna have to buy her a little treat tomorrow.

And then they were there.

Oh, how he dreaded this tension.

Tommy starts looking inside his brain, searching for what he can say, how to start a conversation that is so heavy, without ruining everything, and without avoiding it. Spencer slowly turns in his direction, still on the opposite side of the kitchen island, his hands in his jacket pockets, still facing the floor. Tommy sighs and decides to start with what he can do, accounting for his own part of the deal.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have been such a bitch? I took it out of proportion, I’m sorry. It’s just a topic that is kinda very sensitive, felt like the joke fell out of place, and It got under my skin.” His voice is a little lower than the normal, but he feels like he has to hold it, control it, make sure the sentences were actually being said. Spencer stays quiet for a while. He opens his mouth for a second like he is about to talk, and then shuts it again. When Tommy thinks that he just won’t say anything, he sighs loudly.

“Tommy, I…. It- It wasn’t a joke at all.” Spencer scratches his head and Tommy wonders how it would feel to touch his hair. Not the focus.

“It was an LGBTQ meeting, the emails we sent said so. No straight cis people allowed, no matter how good their intentions. You simply shouldn’t be there.” It still doesn't make sense for Tommy. If it wasn’t a joke, why would Spencer insist on being there?

“Jesus Tommy, you don’t get to invalidate me just because you don’t reciprocate me. I’m not straight, you know that.” All the information in this words gets in waves to Tommy. What was Spencer talking about? Invalidate what? Reciprocate what? Wait- he’s not straight?

“Wait, you’re not?” He feels his own eyebrows go up. Spencer is still facing away, now at the counter, and Tommy is kind of searching for any clue that he is anything but serious in his expression, but can’t find it. He feels kind of drunk, but in an opposite way. Hyper aware. Electric. Like everything is super fast and super slow at the same time, as he perceives them. “Since when?”

“I don’t know dude, ever since I was born, since when one has any sexuality??” Spencer shrugs, his tone getting a little more sharp, certain. A little annoyed as well. His hand is rubbing his face, he waits for a few seconds like he is trying to compose himself, and then he keeps going “But it took me a while between ‘am I just way too horny?’ and ‘am I actually gay and trying to make myself like women?’ to come to the conclusion of big ol’ bisexuality. But even that was like, more than a year ago?? I genuinely thought you knew, like everyone else in this fucking company realized it months ago, I am obvious! An open book! And I wasn't even trying to hide it for a while now? I joke about it all the time?! We made memes about it! *How* did you not know?" Spencer is now agitated, talking and gesticulating, like a dam that broke and is now flooding the room.

"I mean, I thought it was just straight guy humor, I don't know." Tommy is still trying to assimilate it all. It feels like a weird puzzle and the pieces don’t even have the same size. The word “reciprocate” is still glaring red and shiny over his brain, but he is scared to probe it, so he puts it aside for now and focus on the NOT STRAIGHT sign, also very red and shiny.

"Yeah because I am so good about emotional conversations, always treating it so seriously, and just love making myself the center of attention!” Oh, irony. Nice. Tommy feels so conflicted, so many thoughts in his brain at the same time. Spencer’s logorrhea keeps going now. “I never wanted that awkward 'sitting everyone on the sofa in a suspense to come out' kinda situation. That feels suffocating. Feels ritualistic, it’s bullshit. Too big and just not enough to assimilate everything that it means. And also I wanted to take it slow. I didn't even know what to call it for a long time. It felt safer just letting it be and figuring it out along the way.” Tommy now felt like a big asshole, Spencer was going through all of that, feeling lost and insecure about his sexuality and Tommy couldn’t even be there for him. He was supposed to be a friend. He was so lost in himself and his own silly feelings that he missed Spencer’s own turmoil. He gets a little closer to Spencer side of the kitchen, now, his own hands positioned in front of his chest, like in surrender.

“Ok, sorry, I feel so stupid now. I really really had no idea.” Spencer finally looks directly at him, for the first time since this morning. “I’m sorry for the way I talked with you at the meeting, and sorry for not knowing, just assuming that I know everything that is to know about you. And sorry for not being there.” Spencer’s eyes are just so pretty, the dark hazel ingrained in Tommy’s brain, tattooed in his retina. His mouth is doing that tiny little smile he does when he is vulnerable. Maybe everything will be okay.

“Dude, relax, it’s okay. Alex was there, we talked a lot, we laughed a lot about how silly I felt about everything, it was fine.” Tommy giggles a little at that comment because he can imagine the both of them playing some video games and just talking complex feelings in the most teenage-guys-trying-to-elaborate-complex-emotions way. “And for most of the time I was actively trying to hide it near you. Everyone started to say I was being way too obvious and I felt pathetic and maybe a little awkward. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable with how I felt. Like you had to let me down gently.”

And now maybe Tommy had to hold himself for a while, because he tried to understand it in any other way other than the fact that Spencer was talking about having feelings for him. But he couldn’t. But how could Spencer have feelings for him? Even if he was bi, Tommy was just a bland, weird, lanky, stupid boi. Why would Spencer even consider him? Spencer could do so much better. Yeah, maybe Tommy needed a little check in his self esteem, but there’s no way that Spencer would look his way. Or would he?

“Wait a minute, bub, what do you mean ‘how you felt?’”

“Duh? Do you need me to spell it out for you?”

“We clearly established here that I’m stupid and can’t read a situation to save my life, so please, be as clear as you can.”

Spencer actually seems surprised by his request, his eyebrows going up in the way that they do and it is quite cute. He then positions himself better in front of Tommy, like if preparing for an actual speech, and it is so adorable, but also Tommy’s heart is beating even faster than it already was. “Okay then. I have, for quite a while, the most silly crush on you. More than crush, really, can’t stop thinking about your smile when I go to sleep type of thing. It’s ridiculous, everyone has been telling me so for the last couple of months. And honestly? I just thought you knew. And that you didn’t know how to let me down, so you were just pretending for the sake of our friendship and workplace, so yeah.”

Spencer really left no room to doubt, did he? His chest felt like thousands of tiny little flowers blooming all at once. But also kinda warm and electric. It’s all he never dared to hope. “Why?” is all his dumb mouth could elaborate.

“Why? Why do I like you? Oh well let’s see. You are just fucking awesome, dude. Like, everyone adores you, you are a great friend and coworker, you look great in a suit, god you are handsome and also pretty, you are kind, you are sometimes also just a tiny bit evil just to give it a spark, you just make me laugh so much, I just love spending my time with you, you make me feel nice and comfortable. I can go on.” Spencer is holding a finger up for each new thing he mentions, and as much as Tommy feels like his mind will overanalyze each of these in an insomniac night in the near future, right now, he can’t help but believe that Spencer feels it, from the way he speaks it, the way he is looking at him. He decides to enjoy the feeling of being seen. Wanted.

“You don’t have to keep going.” Tommy is giggling like a little girl. “God, I can’t believe I was trying to suppress my feelings for you. This is so stupid, we are both so stupid.” Tommy was closer, but now Spencer was moving too, one tiny step a time.

“So you…” By then, maybe his own reactions during their conversation gave some clue to Spencer, but still he looked kinda surprised, his mouth a tiny O.

“Yup.” Good thing Spencer was not an idiot like himself, cause his brain could not elaborate much in words. His body, though, was really getting the message ahead. They were close enough now that Tommy could see individual lashes framing Spencer's eyes. He cups Spencer’s jaw, lightly, feeling the texture of his facial hair against his fingertips, then the smooth skin in his cheeks. Spencer’s eyes look up at him so big and brave and beautiful, and he is patient, but Tommy can see there the want too, pupils dilating, eyes flickering to his mouth. Tommy traces Spencer’s lips with his finger just before he closes the distance and puts his own lips there, kissing him like they will only have this one chance. There’s a part of him scared of what will happen after, tomorrow, next week, the next ten years. But he will not let it sabotage the feeling of finally tasting Spencer, of his lips soft and yet just a bit chapped, his hands grabbing his shirt in his chest like he’s afraid he’ll go away, the humming noise he does as Tommy’s hand goes to the back of his head, from his neck to his hair, and intertwines with his locks there (they are as soft as they look). Their tongues meet, he tastes a little like pineapple and orange, a hint of coffee, and he feels engulfed in everything that is Spencer, like when you dive so deep you don’t know which way is up.

He doesn’t want to stop, but at the same time, a) they need to breath, kind of important, and b) they are still in their workplace kitchen and even if Kiana closed the door, anyone can come in. He stops gradually, because if feels like his body is already addicted to Spencer’s touch. “What do you think-” he starts to say against Spencer’s mouth, before being interrupted for another quick kiss. “What do you think about dinner?” He pulls back his head a little more distant, seeing Spencer’s face now, mouth red and looking outright knocked out. He should be carved on marble, he’s so beautiful. “We could grab take out and go to my place, or- I don’t know, if you feel okay, or don’t have other plans.”

Spencer smiles wide, a little playful, but genuine. “It’s a date.” It feels surreal hearing Spencer say that.

--

The next month, they have another Big Gay Meeting. This time Spencer is in it, and they sit right next to each other. Some people throw knowing looks their way. He pitches his idea, Spencer’s hand is in his, below the table, and he squeezes his palm in some form of support or excitement. Tommy never felt so warm inside.