Chapter Text
Flying usually calmed Ben’s nerves.
Being in hyperspace usually quieted the roaring between his ears and soothed the rigidness of his muscles. That wasn’t the case right now.
Every time he closed his eyes he could see it.
It was so vivid and his heart hadn’t calmed down at all. It was still rampaging in his chest, his sternum aching from a mixture of anxiety, grief and adrenaline.
He couldn’t get the image of his Uncle Luke standing above him. Eyes deranged and manic as he held his lightsaber, ready to attack. The green glow of his blade lighting up the once peaceful hut would’ve been the last thing Ben ever saw.
Thankfully he was still alive. The glow of his Uncle’s lightsaber and feeling of betrayal and sorrow won’t be the last things he feels as he dies. He still doesn’t know exactly how he fought off his Uncle. All he remembers is summoning his own lightsaber and blocking Luke.
Then he brought down the hut and everything got a little fuzzy.
Now he’s in his ship and he has no idea where he’s going. GeeGee keeps looking at him and Ben can feel the droid’s worry and it causes guilt to swirl in his stomach. He can’t tell GeeGee what happened, the droid will try to help him and call his family.
Ben can’t face his family.
He can’t look them in the eye now that he knows what they all think of him.
He felt what Luke was thinking as he stood over him. He knows his Uncle thinks he will be responsible for destroying the galaxy. His Uncle thinks he’s a monster with too much rage and raw power inside him. He thinks he’s dangerous and irredeemable.
It almost makes Ben laugh (cry).
His Uncle who nearly died redeeming Ben’s Grandfather, the most feared and dangerous man the universe has ever seen, thought he was irredeemable.
His Uncle who was always there for him and was always so gentle with him. Ben remembers how caring his Uncle was to him, how coddling the man could be. Everyone treated Ben like he was something precious but Luke always made sure Ben knew how important he was to the older Jedi.
Luke used to always encourage Ben’s natural Force strength and talent. Always complimenting his skill with his lightsaber and Ben’s gift of empathetic powers. Ben had so many warm and happy memories with his Uncle, like the first time he fixed a droid or worked on a speeder.
Ben felt his eyes sting as he realized it was all over now. He’d never feel the warmth he felt when Luke told him how good of a job he did, he wouldn’t feel his Uncle's proud eyes when he bested his fellow padawans or successfully completed a mission. He wouldn’t feel the comforting hand on his shoulder or the playful ruffling of his hair.
Ben shifted in the pilot chair of the Grimtaash and hastily rubbed at his eyes.
He tried to ignore the rising feeling of hate. Deep down he’s always resented Luke, just a little. Ben remembers when Luke’s attitude towards him started changing. Instead of pride there was worry and instead of compliments there was criticism.
Ben had always resented and loathed the Jedi and all their ridiculous politics and codes. He hated being away from his loved ones and hated the limits placed on him.
He hated being told to control himself, like he was some animal. He hated feeling ashamed for his Force given gifts, he didn’t ask to be born supercharged and with a short fuse. He’s tried to get better at control and to practice patience.
He hadn’t felt this lost in awhile, he’d never experienced such pain. He felt so alone and abandoned. What should he do? Where is he going to go?
He can’t return to the temple and he’s almost positive his Uncle had contacted his mother by now. He’s almost positive she’s been informed of how evil and horrible Luke thinks he is and even if he hadn’t Ben knew his mother must have felt what had happened through the Force. His mother and Uncle have always shared a deep and powerful Force bond.
He couldn’t stomach seeing the look of disappointment on his mother’s face. For her to know that all her fears, concerns and agony had been for a reason. He couldn’t handle knowing that she’d been right to doubt and worry about him.
Thinking back on all the arguments his parents had and how they’d always been about him worsened the feelings of guilt Ben had.
He remembers how his father would practically ignore all his mother’s concerns, how he’d shout “He’s just a kid Leia! Let him be a kid! It’s normal to have emotions!”. Ben remembers sitting with Chewie and burying his face in his soft fur as the yelling got louder and louder.
He remembers how his father would look so defeated when he stormed out of their house and how tightly he’d embrace Ben as he said goodbye and promised he’d be back soon.
Han always returned and his mother would always be so overjoyed to see him and they’d be happy until they weren’t.
Ben cherished the happy memories the most.
The memories of being surrounded by his family. Of being hoisted in the air by Chewie, receiving rare sweets and gifts from Lando and Maz. He always felt better around and more understood by his non-biological family.
Luke would always try to maintain peace with Ben’s parents. Ben could tell it was hard for him, seeing as Leia was his beloved twin sister and Han was his best friend. ‘Don’t think of Uncle Luke right now idiot!’ Ben thought to himself.
‘Where else can I go?’
He can’t go to Lando. Lando would welcome him with open arms and provide safety and understanding, but he’d ultimately call for his mother and inform her that he’s with him.
Aunt Maz could be a safe bet but the wise woman would find ways to trick him back to his family. She held too much intelligence and emotional power in her small frame.
‘Come to me’
Ben flinched as a voice whispered in his ear. He’d been dealing with this invader for his entire life and sometimes they still got the better of him. Ben used to think the voice was his friend but after years of having the voice try to get him to hurt others or hate his family and friends Ben learned to not be so trusting.
‘I can help you reach your full potential. I won’t make you feel shame or try to make you hide who you are’
‘No’
Pain flared in his head as he resisted the phantom. Even though it was excruciating and caused his vision to go blurry…he could take it.
It was tempting.
He did want to grow stronger, not live in fear of himself and his abilities. But he was done with being controlled.
Ben had been dealing with this entity for his entire life. Every time he’d hide from his parent’s arguments, it was there. When other children would tease him or spread rumors and lies about him, it was there. Whenever he felt completely isolated, like a mistake, useless, like he’d never find help or guidance…it was there.
However, someone else was always there. His best friend in the whole galaxy, the light at the end of his tunnel and the sweet voice in his head that replaced all tension and sorrow.
Ben knew what a true friend would say and how they would act around you. The turning point had been when the voice insinuated that Ben was being betrayed by the most special person in his life. That he was being used and that he didn’t really mean anything to the other.
Ben knew then it wasn’t true. That he was being deceived and made a fool of.
How could he ever be betrayed by his love? How could that thought ever be true? How did the voice think for one second that out of everyone in his life that Ben would be betrayed by the one who had his heart?
Ben’s thoughts were interrupted by the ship notifying him that he was close to a planet. He looked at his star chart and saw Yavin.
He didn’t think his heart could handle anymore pain. He couldn’t bear the thought of landing on the familiar field and running up the familiar path to his second home. He was too weak to resist the call to his beloved, to his Poe.
Poe who means more to Ben than the whole galaxy.
Poe’s so kind, charismatic and warm. He’s so loving and funny and everything else that’s wonderful. Ben thinks Poe is the closest thing to an Angel, he’s something pure and special. Poe outshines all the suns and stars in the sky.
Ben could hardly remember a time where Poe wasn’t in his life and by his side and he definitely couldn’t remember a time he wasn’t absolutely enamored with him. As children the two of them spent hours running in the fields and jungles around Poe’s house or the polished hallways and spacious balconies of Ben’s summer home in Naboo.
Ben remembered how much he admired the older boy and how much he enjoyed listening to his stories and dreams of being a pilot like his mother. He remembers growing up alongside Poe and watching his sweet boyish charm and playful eyes he had melt into a chiseled face with a strong jaw and roguish smile to match his intense eyes.
Ben was completely besotted with Poe and it became slightly too embarrassing for him when he reached puberty and his empathetic powers would go absolutely haywire whenever he was around the other boy. Poe was three years older than him and painfully out of his league.
Ben suffered in silence as the other boy was apparently oblivious to his feelings. Poe would always hug and be near the other boy, he’d whisper his jokes into his ears and drag him off into abandoned hallways to just be alone. Normal things for best friends to do and torture for the young Jedi who desperately wanted to be more than just best friends.
Ben held all the memories involving Poe close to his heart. When things truly got terrible and he felt like the world was against him he could escape to the warm moments in his mind. His favorite involved Poe and him climbing the Force tree that was in Poe’s backyard.
He could always rely on Poe and Poe could count on him. Sometimes it felt like they could communicate telepathically and neither had to worry about being misunderstood. Ben remembers how Poe held him close the day he was sent to the Temple. How he promised him he’d be right here waiting for him and home was only ever a holocall away.
Poe never tried to control Ben. If anything, the other boy just wanted to understand him. Poe didn’t mind Ben’s prickly attitude, he didn’t mind his tantrums or outbursts. Poe was always so steady and kind to him.
Ben knows that Poe is a rarity in the galaxy. A truly good person who just wants to help others. Ben has tried to give back all the love Poe has given him and more.
Ben remembers how Poe ran off when his mother died and Ben remembers the way his heart all but shattered when Poe came to say goodbye. Ben hadn’t known it was goodbye at the time, but he sensed the deep sorrow and anger in his friend, he felt his conflict and tried his hardest to be there for him.
Ben had been so happy when he felt Poe’s presence on Ossus and had sneaked out of his hut to meet Poe in their usual place. Ben grew worried as he approached the other boy and felt the intense feeling of conflict within him.
It was a dark night, both moons being new and only the stars illuminated the forest. Ben walked the familiar path and he felt his link to Poe grow stronger and stronger with each step.
Ben had been incredibly worried about Poe the past few months. He remembers how fragile Poe looked when his mother died. How he all but collapsed into Ben’s arms after the funeral. He can still feel the ache in his back from how tight Poe’s arms were wrapped around him.
Poe had understandably taken his mothers death really hard. Things only got worse when his father started pushing him away. Ben had overheard how his own father tried talking to Kes but the other man wasn’t listening, he was drowning in his grief.
Ben smiled at Poe as he finally reached him and noticed Poe had been crying. His beautiful eyes were rimmed red, lush lashes clumped together by tears and he kept twiddling his fingers. Ben felt worry begin eating away at his heart, “Are you okay?”.
“I think so…I don’t know. I—I just had to see you”
Ben hummed, “I can feel your conflict, you know you can tell me anything”.
Poe looked over his shoulder and back at Ben, “I don’t want you to think less of me…I’m not sure what’s happening with me”. Poe looked absolutely helpless as he placed a hand in his curls and yanked rather harshly.
Ben shook his head as he removed Poe’s hands from his hair, “You could never say or do anything that’d make me think you’re anything less than perfect”.
“I’m not perfect”
“Yes you are, completely perfect” Ben couldn’t have stopped his words even if he wanted to. He’s never had complete control of himself whenever Poe was around.
Ben was a little shocked when Poe tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear and stared at him intensely. Like he was trying to remember every single detail, Ben had asked him what was wrong and Poe just smiled sadly before crushing him with a hug.
“I think you’re perfect too, Ben. You’re the most amazing person I know. Never forget how much you mean to me”
Ben had been confused but returned the hug and leant his head on Poe’s shoulder, “How could I? You tell me everyday”.
Poe scoffed but continued hugging Ben for what felt like hours. When they finally separated Ben realized Poe was crying again. They sat on the boarding ramp of Poe’s ship for a while and just talked. The sun began rising and Poe had leant his head on Ben’s shoulder.
Everything was peaceful until they heard voices calling for them. They both stood in a panic and Poe was breathing heavily. “My father must’ve realized I left”.
Ben looked at him intently and realized Poe had to get away from it all for a bit to feel better.
“If you want to go it has to be now”
They locked eyes and Ben wasn’t sure what Poe was telling him with his gaze but before he could try to comprehend it the other boy walked towards him and pressed a searing kiss to his cheek.
Ben let out a shaky breath as Poe’s lips touched him and Ben watched as Poe pulled away and scrunched his eyebrows and eyes like he was in pain. Ben opened his mouth to speak but Poe spoke first, “Please take care of yourself, you mean so much to me Ben…I couldn’t bear it if you were hurt”.
“I promise, promise me you’ll do the same and come back?”, Poe nodded as he pulled away. Poe’s hand trailed down his arm and their fingers separated slowly and Ben fought the urge to follow the other boy.
Ben remembers how Kes pushed him for answers and how he wouldn’t budge, he told them what Poe told him, that he needed space. He remembered how he felt his heart sink lower and lower as more and more time passed since Poe left. He wasn’t sure where he’d gone, but he knows Poe’s alright.
At least…he thinks Poe’s alright, Ben believes they’re connected through the Force and that he’d feel if something was wrong.
Three years pass before anyone hears anything from Poe. Ben has been training for three long years and completed his trials under his Uncle Luke. Ben was now eighteen and he’d seen battle, he’d seen the aftermath of war and survived.
He’s been warned that he must control his power and not succumb to the Darkside. He’d been warned about his feelings for Poe and how a true Jedi has no attachments.
Ben knew that Luke worried about him, but was also preoccupied with the other Padawan’s and Knights. Luke had even given Ben the ability to go on solo missions and with his own squad. Ben had hoped that he’d soon be charged with a padawan and complete his training.
He’d finally accomplish what was expected of him.
Ben preferred to just go on missions with Tai and Hennix as Voe essentially hated him for existing. He did however have to work with all of them at times and they were all together when Luke holocalled them about an emergency on Kijimi and how an old friend needed help.
Ben was relieved when Luke asked for him to do this on his own.
Ben didn’t know what to expect and was perplexed when he learned they’d be sent on a mission with so many unknowns. Ben hated going into an unnecessarily dangerous mission with others. He’d feared they’d get hurt while he was in charge and he was positive he couldn’t live with the guilt.
However, since Luke decided to send Ben on his own he’d felt a little less anxious. It seemed very simple, pick up a lone traveler and protect them as he delivered them to their destination. Ben felt fine as he landed the Grimtaash and headed towards the cantina he was told he’d find the traveler.
Ben felt slightly anxious as he waited in the busy cantina. He was told to dress in his casual clothes and was so relieved to be out of his robes. His saber was hidden in the inside of his brown jacket and was a comforting weight.
He didn’t have to wait very long before he felt a familiar presence. He swiftly turned and came face to face with Poe. He looked different and the same at the same time, his skin was still golden and smooth, smirk as playful as ever and his soft, black curls sat atop his head as always.
He filled out nicely, shoulders broad and chest proud. He was wearing a light green jacket and black button up. His collarbone and top of his chest were exposed and shiny with sweat. Ben felt his ears grow warm and mouth go dry.
He was still so beautiful.
Poe walked right up to him and didn’t hesitate to wrap Ben up in a hug, “B-ben…it’s so good to see you”.
Ben returned the hug and realized he wanted to cry. He had no idea why Uncle Luke didn’t tell him that the traveler was Poe and then he realized that this was meant as a test for him. Ben was often troubled by the idea of having no attachments because as much as he wanted to be a good Jedi like everyone wanted, he also knew that he'd been in love with Poe all his life.
In all his mental trials and tests he’d often had to face a hurt Poe and feel the pain of losing him. Ben can only assume Luke did this so he’d have closure on his feelings for Poe and let him go.
“I didn’t know I’d be meeting you, but I’m so glad you’re here”
Poe smiled up at and his eyes were roaming around Ben’s face and body, “You’ve grown up on me. You’re not the same kid I remember”.
Ben felt himself attempt to hunch in one himself, it was pointless to do so after his latest growth spurt. “Have I changed that much?”
Poe laughed as the pair moved to sit at the bar, “It’s not bad…not bad at all”.
They spent two weeks together and Ben knew he failed his test. This meeting with Poe hadn’t allowed him to get over his feelings, all it did was allow them to get stronger. It allowed him to know that his feelings weren’t childhood infatuation, but something real and meaningful.
What made things worse is that Poe seemed to reciprocate, Poe wasn’t ashamed of the way his eyes followed Ben around. He wasn’t shy when it came to being close to the other man at all, always grabbing his hand as they made their way through crowds and bustling spaceports. He’d let his head fall to Ben’s shoulder when they were resting and tell Ben how warm he was and how safe he felt with him.
Halfway through their trip Ben had asked why Poe needed an escort to the New Republic Academy. Poe looked uncomfortable and Ben immediately apologized and told him he didn’t have to answer and it was insensitive of Ben to even ask.
Poe smiled softly at him and sat back in his seat. They had stopped at a spaceport to refuel and decided to take advantage of the water planet's beautiful climate. They’d gotten food and sat on the black sand beach, “When I left my home…after I lost my mother I ended up running into an old friend. Her name’s Zorii and she’s a Spice-Runner. I’m not proud of it, but with my piloting skills and lack of a plan, I made the best out of my situation”.
Ben didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t one to judge someone or their choices, especially not Poe. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Like you said, you made the best of your situation…why’d you leave?”.
“I didn’t really know what I was doing or when I’d leave, so much time had already passed. I missed everyone and I knew I couldn’t stay forever…Zorii mentioned wanting to take over the operation from her mother and she wanted me to be beside her when she did. I…I didn’t want to, I was just being stupid when I left. I just needed space and I guess I wanted to act out…”
Poe dug his hand into the black sand before continuing, “You know that all I’ve ever wanted to do was fly…I want to help people and do good, like my parents did. I want to stand for something and keep the galaxy safe…I just hope I’m not too late for me”
Ben’s conviction of Poe was much stronger than his nerves and it was evident in how sure of himself he was when he grabbed Poe’s hand. Poe looked up at him as their fingers interlocked, “Of course it’s not too late Poe. You’re a good person with a good heart and have so much love to give and you’ll do great things, I’m sure of it. You outshine every single star in the galaxy”.
Poe’s eyes looked watery and he smiled brightly at Ben, “You really mean that, don’t you?”
“With all my heart”
Before Ben could process anything Poe had flung himself into his arms and they toppled to the ground. It didn’t feel like any of their embraces they’ve shared before, Ben didn’t know what to do with Poe laying on top of him.
Their bodies fit together perfectly and Poe was quick to press his face into Ben’s neck, “I’m so glad to be back with you”. He murmured the words so sweetly into Ben’s neck and Ben shivered as he tightened his arms around him, “I’m happy you’re with me”
Things were different after that day, if Ben thought Poe was affectionate before he didn’t know what to call him now. Ben would fall asleep to Poe’s breathing every night and awake to the other man in his arms. Poe now held his hand any chance he got instead of just when they were in situations where they could be separated. He’d run his fingers through Ben’s hair and press them tightly together when they’d hug.
Ben was ashamed to admit how much he liked it.
He loved the feeling of the other man next to him, of Poe’s fingers in his hair and tracing down his arm or interlocking with his fingers. Ben knew he shouldn’t, but he wanted more. He wanted Poe all to himself.
They’d landed on a small planet full of lush meadows and forests. They would be arriving at the Academy any day now and have to go their separate ways. They promised each other that they’d see each other as often as they could.
They sat outside of the Grimtaash just talking and laughing together. Ben knew he had to make a decision on how to go forward with their relationship.
Ben was still so nervous around the other boy…other man. They were men now and no longer the giggling boys that wrestled in mud and snuck onto ships without permission.
Poe had a huge smile on his face as he leant close to Ben, “Who would’ve thought Ben Solo would grow up and be a heartbreaker?”.
Ben flushed and immediately regretted telling Poe the story of an incident involving him and a Chiss female who was incredibly strong in the ways of the Force. Ben was embarrassed when she professed her love for him and he had to awkwardly let her down easy.
“It wasn’t like that. I truly had no feelings for her…besides I couldn’t even if I wanted to. It’s the Code…Jedis can’t have any attachments”
Poe went rigid and quickly sat up, “Like at all?”
Ben felt his ears heat up and he shook his head, “Attachments lead to strong emotions and strong emotions are the path to the Darkside”.
Poe scoffed, “That can't be true, everyone has strong emotions. It’s what makes us…us”.
Ben smiled at that, “I know, but I don’t want to argue with my Uncle…he has enough to worry about”.
Poe hummed before turning to look at Ben, “So have you ever had any?”
“Any what?”
“Strong attachments?”
Ben felt his heartbeat stutter and his palms began sweating, “Just one” he mumbled.
“Who?”
Ben gawked at Poe and his angry expression and tone. Ben looked at him like he’d spoken in Wookie, surely Poe was aware of Ben’s painfully obvious feelings for him.
“Are you being serious?” Ben asked and Poe shrugged, “I’d want to know if my best friend is in love with someone”.
“Have you been in love?” Ben countered
“Yes”
Ben felt himself turn cold at Poe’s answer, “Was it the Spice Runner..?”
Poe shook his head at that, “Whatever it was Zorii and I had, if it was anything, was most definitely not love”.
Ben was left confused by that and still couldn’t decide if Poe was sincere about not knowing about Ben’s feelings.
“I know for sure now that I’m in love” Poe said, “I used to spend almost every day with this boy and we had so much fun together. I thought we’d always be side by side until I decided to run away like a kriffing idiot. I spent 3 long years away from him and it was torture. I spent so much time thinking about him and looking for anyone who was even a little bit like him until I realized that no one could possibly compare and when I finally decided to come home he was the one sent to get me…very romantic in my opinion”
Poe had completely turned his body to face Ben and Ben was finding it hard to speak or breathe or think. His nerves only got worse as Poe’s leg slung around one of his and placed his hand over Ben’s erratic heart.
Ben hadn’t experienced this side of Poe’s affection before.
He was used to Poe’s sweet words, warm and loving touches. This was more physical than anything else they’d shared, Ben yearned for more and wanted something more carnal.
“I was supposed to end my attachment to you”
“Do you want to end your attachment to me?”
‘No…by the Force no’ Ben thought as Poe leant closer to him. Ben placed his hand on Poe’s thigh and shivered at the warmth radiating off the other man. Poe was so close that their noses brushed and Ben’s grip on Poe’s thigh tightened.
“No…I don’t want to live a life you’re not a part of”
“You don’t have to be afraid of this”
“I’m not afraid”
“Then why are you shaking?”
Ben couldn’t think of an answer, so he pressed their lips together. Poe’s hands immediately started tangling in Ben’s hair. Ben felt like electricity was flowing through him as Poe ran his tongue across his lips. Ben felt his insides begin burning up as he opened his mouth for Poe and felt their tongues touch.
He couldn’t think straight anymore, all his thoughts circled around Poe. Poe’s mouth, his hair, the way he wore his shirts to show off his neck and chest, how he walked with a certain swing of his hips, the thickness of his thighs and ass.
He couldn’t stop thinking of how his chest felt warm whenever Poe was around him. How his smile eased him and how his mirth danced in his eyes. All his torment, angst and anger was soothed by Poe’s presence and Ben felt so unburdened when he was around. He was so happy with Poe, he was so in love.
Ben felt all his control slip out of his hands as he grabbed onto Poe’s waist and manhandled him onto his lap. Poe whined against Ben as they pressed against each other’s most intimate parts.
Ben moved from Poe’s lips and kissed his cheek, jaw and neck. Worrying the skin between his teeth and soothing it with his tongue. Poe used his grip on Ben’s hair to guide them back into a searing kiss and harshly bucked his hips into Ben’s erection.
Ben let out a groan and felt his control on his emotions slip. Poe shuddered at the wave of emotion that overwhelmed him and let his hand slide to cup Ben’s face.
“C-can you use your powers to feel what I feel?”
Ben nodded, “I can…just hold still”. Poe nodded as Ben pressed his forehead to his and allowed Poe into his mind.
“Young Master, we’ve arrived on Yavin 4. Shall I alert Master Dameron?”
Ben was snapped out of his memories by GeeGee’s soft voice and realized he’d landed in the field near Poe’s house.
From the latest messages he’d exchanged with Poe he knew he was visiting his father for a few days before returning to Hosnian Prime. It was so tempting to go to Poe.
So tempting to tell him what happen and Ben knew that Poe would take him in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He’d wrap his fingers in Ben’s hair and press kisses all over his face and neck. He’d whisper sweet words in Ben’s ear and make promises.
Ben knew Poe would turn his back on the New Republic if he asked. He’d turn his back on his dreams and go down the path of cowardice with Ben. Ben wasn’t noble like Poe, he didn’t love and fight fiercely like him.
Ben acted and did what was expected of him. He was already under such immense pressure as a young child, He was the son of a Princess and a dignitary and a Resistance General. The nephew of a Jedi Master and war hero. The grandson of a Queen turned Senator and the Chosen One.
His kriffing namesake was one the strongest and most compassionate Jedi to ever exist.
Ben didn’t know if he had it in him to live up to them all. He was nothing special, not really. Ben was strong and talented but he was also temperamental and was overly emotional. His bleeding heart had been causing him problems his entire life.
He was absolutely petrified of letting anyone down and being a failure. Ben was so devoted to being useful and doing well that he practically ignored all his personal wants and needs.
When he was a child he wanted to be a pilot like his father (and Poe). He wanted to be free and go on adventures with Poe by his side. The only one who supported his piloting was his father, Uncle Lando and Poe.
His mother and uncle thought it’d be better for him to become a Jedi. His mother did try to appease him by gifting him the Grimtaash but he felt guilty for such an extravagant gift.
Before his empath powers got out of control Ben agreed with them. He was excited to be a Knight, he wanted to be a part of his family’s legacy. He still got to fly when he could and everyone said he was more than exceptional at flying.
Ben didn’t have dreams…aside from one. He’d think of it often and kept it close to his heart. He hoped that one day he’d have a place of his own, away from the Jedi, away from prying eyes and hypocritical politics.
A place where he could mediate freely, read the history of his people, work on droids and on the Grimtaash. A place he could share with Poe.
He knew it was a stupid dream. He knew it could never be, it was childish and stupid and so incredibly selfish. How could he be so selfish? It was one thing to run away, but forcing Poe to come with him was so much worse.
He’d be stealing a crucial member of the New Republic, he’d be stealing someone who did and would do so much for the galaxy and he’d be stealing Poe away from his dreams.
He also couldn’t expose Poe to the Darkside. Ben had seen into his Uncle’s mind and saw what his future could look like. He saw himself be seduced by the Dark and he knew he’d destroy everything he cared about.
He knew he’d be the death of Poe Dameron.
He couldn’t do that, not to Poe. The love of his life, his source of happiness. He had to set him free.
“GeeGee keep us idle and ready for take off. I won’t be long”
“Of course Young Master”
Ben felt his heart sink lower and lower as he approached the Force tree at the edge of the Dameron’s homestead. Half of him was screaming to not do this, to just go talk to Poe and ask for help.
The other kept reminding him that all he’d do was doom Poe to a life with him.
So with his heavy heart and crying eyes, Ben Solo placed a hand on the Force tree and concentrated.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
Poe knew this place.
Everything seemed so familiar and safe, he felt like someone was calling his name and he was underwater. All he could really sense was the dark and how warm it was.
He realized he’d been walking, the darkness was fading…like he was reaching the end of a tunnel. Suddenly he was standing in a field of tall grass under a setting sun. Standing alone in the middle was the object of his affection.
“Ben!”
Poe ran towards him and Ben moved to meet him. Ben looked so handsome in his Jedi robes, the thin white material highlighted the vast width of his shoulders and the thickness of his physique. The high collar complimented his slender throat and strong jaw. His dark pants elongated his already endless legs as did his knee high boots. Poe’s love was every bit the poster boy for Jedi Knights.
Poe didn’t hesitate to throw himself into Ben’s arms and felt his heart pounding as Ben spun them around. As Ben finally set him down Poe was quick to press their lips together. Poe tangled his fingers in Ben’s thick hair and pulled softly on it.
Ben felt all of Poe’s love rush into him and it left him lightheaded. He could never believe someone was capable of feeling this much for him, it spread like honey throughout his chest and he savored the kiss, knowing it’d be the last.
They pulled away slowly and Ben stared into Poe’s eyes, memorizing him. The slope of his nose, the brightness of his eyes.
“I missed you” Poe said as they continued staring at each other, his hands on Ben’s warm cheeks, thumbs running under his eyes.
Ben smiled despite his inner turmoil and let his eyes roam freely. Poe was simply wearing sleepwear and still looked absolutely devastating. His robe was royal blue and made of a silken material, his pants were the same and his chest was bare.
It’d been so long since they’d last seen each other. Ben had last visited over 2 months ago at the Academy, Poe had successfully finished his studies and would be assigned to a ship any day now. Ben had wanted to congratulate him personally and was able to get away from the temple for a few days.
They spent 3 amazing days together before Ben had to return to the temple and now they are finally back together.
“Are you actually here or is this all a dream?” Poe said as he tangled his fingers in Ben’s hair, it had gotten even longer in their time apart.
“Both. I needed to see you and I don’t have much time”
Poe noticed the odd tone in Ben’s voice and he grew concerned, “Is everything alright?”
His concern only grew as Ben shut his eyes in pain.
“I’ve come to say goodbye…something—something happened at the Temple—“
“Goodbye? The Temple? Are you okay?”
“I think so…I just…I feel like I’m being torn apart”
“Where are you? Let me come to you and we’ll—“
“I can’t let you do that, I have to leave…alone”
Poe felt his heart crack at that, “What do you mean? Ben…I want to help you, I want to be with you. That’s what partners do, they drop everything if they’re needed”.
“Partners also prevent each other from getting hurt and I don’t want to get you hurt…you don’t know how badly I want you with me…I’m sure you’ll know soon and you’re going to hear awful things. I need you to know that it isn’t true, I need you to know I’m not the man they’re gonna say I am…not if I have any say in it”
“I know who you are, Ben! You’re scaring me, what happened?”
Ben looked like he was in a lot of pain and Poe pulled him closer, “Do you remember how you felt before you left for Kijimi? That’s how I feel now, I’m lost and confused and I need to be alone…can you keep my secret like I kept yours?”
“It’s different now…we were just friends then, we’re together now and I won’t let the man I love slip
through my fingers!”
Poe knew he wasn’t being told everything, he knew he should be pressing harder for answers and demanding Ben to stay, but he also knew that Ben was hurting.
“I’m not leaving you because I don’t love you, I’m leaving to protect you…telling you what’s going on will only put you in more danger and I can’t bear that. You know my heart will always be yours, nothing could ever change that”
Ben was so sincere as he channeled his feelings into Poe. The other man had to know that he loved him, that he’d always love him.
He pressed a kiss to Poe’s forehead before he spoke, “I’ve seen what’s coming for me if I stay, I know I’m not strong enough to fight it off or protect you from it. I’d destroy everything that matters to me and you matter the most to me. I will do anything to ensure you’re safe…even if it means I can’t be with you, even if it means I’ll feel nothing but agony from being apart from you”
Poe had never heard Ben sound so defeated, he’d never heard him be anything but the bright and passionate man he was. He couldn’t accept this, he wanted Ben to stay with him and let him fight. But Poe couldn’t force Ben, he can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.
“Ben all I want is for you to be with me, all I want is your love—“
“Love can’t save you from this! I can’t save you and the idea of something happening to you because of me is something I couldn’t handle”
“You’re isolating yourself Ben, you know I’d never do anything to hurt you or betray you! Just let me help you, please! Whatever is coming we’ll face it together!”
“I’m what’s coming”
Poe felt his face drop, “What?”
“I’ve seen it, I’ve seen myself fall….I know what I’ll become…I know what happens to us if I go down this path”
Ben placed his hand on the side of Poe’s face, brushing away his curls, “I’m not strong enough to fight off what’s coming for me and I know I’ll destroy you…that’s why I have to leave…I don’t want to be the reason you’re dead”.
“The idea of not being with you is killing me Ben. I love you too much to let you go. I won’t let you go”
Ben laughed sadly as a tear slipped down his cheek, “I’m already gone”.
Poe opened his eyes and he was on his bed in his room alone.
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
Ben felt like he was dying. He couldn’t believe he left Poe, he couldn’t handle the idea of never seeing him again. He often wondered if he’d die soon, it’d been days since the night on Ossus and Ben was so tired.
The phantom’s voice had been an issue but the further into the outer rim he went the more disconnected he felt. Exile was the Jedi way.
All he’d done since leaving Poe on Yavin 4 was cry and destroy parts of his ship. He’d reprogrammed GeeGee so he wouldn’t be trackable by anyone and the droid had been left to pilot the ship as Ben wallowed in his misery.
Every time GeeGee asked ‘If this was far enough, Young Master?’, Ben would respond with ‘Just a little further’.
Ben’s eyes glazed over as he slipped out of consciousness. He’d been heading further and further into the outermost part of the galaxy for a whole week.
He hadn’t even heard a voice come through his transponder.
When Ben regained consciousness he was laying on a cot inside a ship that wasn’t the Grimtaash.
He quickly sat up and grabbed his lightsaber and ignited it. He started walking towards the exit of the room and was startled when it opened to reveal two figures standing in front of him.
“Ben! Easy there, just calm down”
“Dad?! Uncle Chewie!?”
“What’s going on? Where’s my ship? Why am I here?”
He put away his lightsaber and stood in front of his father and uncle defensively. He needed to get out of here, he had to keep running.
“Your mother called for me…Luke had a very interesting story and Poe Dameron said you appeared to him in a dream, but would only tell me what happened…”
Ben felt himself panicking and his hands started shaking.
“What did he say..?”
Han sighed before approaching Ben, he put his hands on both shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Ben flinched before quickly hugging his dad back and he began sobbing.
“I’m so sorry” Ben sobbed and Han just held him tighter. “You have nothing to be sorry for”
“But Uncle Luke…he saw what I’d do…I attacked him—I”
“You defended yourself…and you haven’t done anything yet. You’re not gonna be punished for something you haven’t done or might do”
“Dad…the voices and the visions…I’m scared”
“Ben, I don’t know the Force…I’m no Jedi. But I’m your father and I’ll do anything to help you. I’m no stranger to running kid and it doesn’t help at all being on your own”
“What if I turn and hurt you or worse! I can’t risk it, I have to go”
Han sighed and let his arms fall to his side, “I can’t stop you son and I won’t. Just listen to me…I know exile is the Jedi way or whatever but you’re not just a Jedi, you’re a Solo and Solo’s do things their own way”
“What are you saying?”
“Why don’t you just ignore Luke and your mother, ignore the voices and just listen to yourself. What do you want?”
Ben had never thought of things like that. Was it that easy?
What did Ben want?
“I want to be stronger, I want to control my powers and not the way the Jedi wants me to or the Sith way. I don’t want anything to do with either. I just want to be free and not have to fear hurting anyone or doing something I don’t want to do”
Han smiled at him, “Free, huh? I think free is a good idea”