Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Operation Zenith, Report 001, Intro and Summary - 

Operation start: January 8th, 20XX

Report written by: Eraserhead

(Legal) Charges: Petty Theft

Suspect: [Redacted] 

Suspect description: A youth around the age 14-16, height between 4'9"-5'3", weighting around 100-120 lbs, (as long as no dyes or contacts are involved {there are >:D}) green and black hair with red eyes. Other facial features are always obscured by what looks like a form fitting fabric face mask but actually is rather high tech, all functions unknown, but include gas mask level filtration, high level physical force nullification, voice changing, and Bluetooth capabilities. Suspect is never seen wearing anything other than jeans, style and color vary, and a hoodie, style, color, and design vary. Usually black jeans and a red hoodie. Has been seen in an All Might themed hoodie on occasion. 

Reason for investigation: In the month of July of last year, a number of acts ["of vigilantism were committed" has been removed. The acts cannot legally be defined as "Vigilantism".] that could be legally defined as vigilantism were it not for two words in the crime's official, legal definition (Happy?) were committed. It took 3 weeks for them all to be connected to a suspect and 14 weeks after that for the suspect to be brought in for questioning.

During the questioning, the suspect claimed to be, and was later proven to be through a number of X-rays and blood tests, Quirkless. As such, none of the acts could be legally charged to him, and after the 24 hour holding period ran out, we were forced to release him. It has been six months since his first act that cannot be legally defined as vigilantism and he has continued to commit many, many more, averaging 27 per week, up to the present. 

(The only reason I've stopped going after him on patrol is because it's useless to spend the time chasing him and subduing him when he'll be let out within 24 hours and I could spend that time ending other crime or working missions instead.) 

However, he finally committed a crime NOT on the list and while we cannot punish him harshly for such a minor offense, we can use it to finally begin compiling files for an operation. When we will be able to use them, I am unsure, but I do know that we will have plenty of evidence when we can. 

{And won't that just be so unfortunate for me, Dadzawa?} 

(I still don't know how you managed to hack into the police report system, but if you edit evidence, we can bring you in, and for longer than a day.) 

{Well, due to my extensive law research, I can assure you that while editing files without permission is a crime, it's not one you can hold me for due to it being under the list of "heroes can be pardoned for and therefore is vigilante work". However, tampering with evidence is against the law even for heroes, so I would be able to be charged for it, and it is a serious offense... But I won't be tampering with evidence if all I do is add input to the files. All I have to do is not comment on files you add as evidence! I can comment on your reports just fine!} 

(Oh, joy.)

{I can hear you sigh and see you pinching the bridge of your nose from here, Dadzawa. Is that your version of facepalming?} 

(That's my version of expressing my displeasure over the stupid wording of our laws. How did you even find a loop like this? You're not old enough to go into law school? Then again, you also seem to know the weaknesses in the quirk and fighting style of every possible hero you come across.) 

{I'm a fanboy! :3} 

(I'm ending this report, I don't need to talk to you more than I already have to bear with when I see you at the station or on patrol. Which I have. Right now.) 

{Aww. I wish you'd let me join you!} 

(I've stopped chasing you because I made a decision to actually help people instead of wasting my efforts trying to repeatedly bring in someone whose found a loop in the law that's made them almost untouchable due to the oversight and bias of the lawmakers, not because I accept a child doing the dangerous work of an adult. Im ignoring you, not accepting you.) 

{Well, maybe you can ignore my presence, but you can't ignore my actions! At least, not for much longer...} 

(What is that supposed to dng jdkfbf dkwuvdjekdmfinfdv sjdiemd eumsksie vusjwksoevrhi

{Heheh, I love glitter bombs >:D} 

(HOW DID YOU GET IT IN MY WORK COMPUTER? AND WHY DID YOU SET IT TO GO OFF NOW? YOURE LITERALLY IN JAIL FOR PETTY THEFT? HOW ARE YOU EDITING THIS???) 

[Last edited: 23:24, April 28th, 20XX

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Local news channels are calling it "The Most Shocking Counter-Fighting Chain of The Decade". 

I'm calling it "The Step On My To-Do List Above 'Go Get Cheese Curds and Pork Chops From The Store'." 

BONJOUR, I'm [Redacted], and I just took down an extensive human trafficking ring (saving a total of 236 people) and then lit the Number Two Hero's main agency irreversibly on fire! How they figured out both was me, I'll never know. It couldn't possibly be the excessive amount of All Might Stickers and fine black and green glitter they found at both sites that I totally didn't leave for them to find! 

---

Now, I may be a mad genius at hacking and maybe I encrypted this blog in such a way that I can't be traced by my updates, nor can the law enforcement take it down, but I'm not magic or a quirky person, so I can only make it so it's accessible to those in about half of the country of Japan (maybe less?) in exchange. But to those of you who can see this, Welcome! 

Welcome to my online diary and log of the Amazing Adventures of Helping and Harassing Those I Choose With [Redacted] and Friends Or Not Cuz I Only Have One! Or AAHH for short! Yes, those capitals have to be pronounced, if I hear someone say, "aye-aye-aitch-aitch" I will be coming for them, it's pronounced, "AAAAUGH" so don't mess it up! :D 

Now, I already introduced myself, so let me introduce you all to some who might star on the show! 

---

The most likely to appear frequently is my partner in crime, Smokey The Teddy Bear! Now, Smokey is interesting because I found him indefinitely submerged in a personal swimming pool of goop, being stabbed repeatedly with many different radioactive substances in order to attempt to change his DNA, specifically his quirk. As he did not appear to enjoy being woken from the grave to be given his own special dunk tank of glowing fudge that he was not allowed out of, I decided to Undunk The Clown™ and run off with him as my treasure chest toy prize of raiding being good at the doctor's office of the underworld. 

Let's do a recap for the slower thinkers in the audience. Yes, he was being experimented on by The Doctor, the very same who was found creating Nomus out of dead bodies. Yes, Smokey was in the process of becoming one and therefore was previously deceased and technically still legally deceased. Yes, I was the mysterious informant of that mission, who gave a whole six Banker's Boxes of glittery information and stickered files and things to the heros so they might pull it off. Yes, I ran off with my new Bestie For The Restie. Yes, his previously dead body was resurrected, but not without some drain bramage and side effects. No, I'm not sorry, nor will I be returning him, I'm pretty sure he's happy where he is, right Smokey? 

Of course my best felon friend in the world!

There you have it folks! I definitely did not write that myself, you can't prove anything! 

---

Next on the chopping block is Grumpy Swamp Dad! Now, GSD is a real, live, licensed Hero, and probably the best one I've ever met! Not only does he have the best (and grayest) moral code I've ever seen in a hero, he also has talks with me, takes trash off my hands, has prank wars with me, plays tag with me, wrestles with me, and we just all around have a grand ole time together! He's usually the first one I go to with NEMO Tips about jobs I can't handle on my own and when I have extra glitter bombs lying around! He taught me how to not die while jumping rooftops and fight like a baddie with no quirks! Now, it might've been unintentional, but that doesn't matter, it's not like I picked it up from repeatedly watching videos both of him taking down bad guys and him training others that I found lying around some rat's database. 

I think he might have a small bit of mental issues though, particularly Bipolar Disorder, because half the time we spend together is talking goodnaturedly (almost bantering!) at 2:47 am on some random rooftop while we eat junk food he brought, and the other half, he's running after me, quirk blazing and trying his darn hardest to grab me and throw me in a cell, but he only succeeds every once in a while. The trick is getting me to stay there tho. :3 

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Most of the time, all the really bad things I've done fall under the blanket of "vigilantism", whatever that is. However, if you did your research, you'd find that it is legally defined as "voluntarily carrying out duties usually done by Heroes using one's quirk without paying attention to or abiding by the laws or quirk restrictions". As a quirkless person, I cannot be charged with any major crimes in the bullet pointed list under, "including: Aggravated assault, Aiding and abetting/accessory, Arson, Assault/battery, Attempted murder, Being in possession of a deadly weapon, Bribery, Burglary..." and so on.

Therefore, I cannot be held in jail, except for minor offences, the sentences of which can be served by A} spending the night in a cell before being released, B} a few hours of community service (which is defined as "...work performed by a person ... for the benefit and betterment of their community without any form of compensation", which used to mean I could pick a job off a list and do it for free, and sadly, tracking down other criminals is not on the long list, I tried, but now they pick stuff for me to do so I don't cause another public scene or prank) or C} running away and doing it later because the sentence is so light you can serve it the next time when you're actually free for a while and not drowning in things to do so you lockpick your way out. 

An example of option B would be the week after the first snowmelt of spring, for the crime of blowing up a Yakuza base, I was made to wash and polish police cars every night for two weeks, which is totally child labor, might I add!!! But all's a well that ends a well, I guess. 

---

Oh, and in case anyone doubts that I am who I say I am, watch for the glitter filled day that will be Tuesday, that is, three days after I'll post this. There will be an attack on a hero school, and it will be foiled by pranks most commonly used by the person I claim to be. Probably because I am who I say. 

Thanks for tuning in, and come back next week! Same bat time, same bat channel! 

Xoxo, Broccoli of Doom, AKA, [Redacted] >:0 

Chapter Text

Report written by: Eraserhead, Head of Operation

Report Subject: The USJ attack incident, outside interference, and results of both 

References and relevant info: See *USJ 20XX Incident Report in the case files under *UA Incidents 

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It has been almost a month since the incident at the USJ, but since this report could not have been written without a charge, ["now will have to do." has been removed. Please use more professional terms, Eraser.] it had to wait until this moment. (I can't believe it took that.) {This thing has to be sentient and have it out for you. There is no other explanation, how else would it know exactly how to tick you off?} 

The previous evidence file of the "blog post" was published, as stated in it, three days before the incident took place. However, it did not go viral until almost two weeks afterwards, when a few other posts had been made, which will be submitted as further evidence soon. {Awww, it's like you're copying my diary to keep it for yourself! In, like, a creepy dad way! How cute ;3} (Even if what I'm doing had any small resemblance of the situation you're describing, how would that be cute? That's horrifying.) 

Because the initial report about the incident covers everything fine, I won't go over all the details again, but I will give a short summary to keep all the evidence in order. 

It was later revealed through an {very glittery! :3} anonymous submission {that everyone knew who it was from but chose not to ingratiate the public to an untouchable criminal by releasing their name} and then verified that the villains used an electric based quirk to short the alarms system and the combination of a supercharge {used to increase the abilities of another's quirk by approx. times 23.67} and a presence concealing quirk to let the villains into the facility unnoticed. Once a group of around one to two hundred villains was inside, they simply stayed there until students arrived. 

At the exact moment when the students were about to be attacked, only two pro heroes as chaperones to protect them, music noise {I resent that. A medley of The Wheels on the Bus, The Best of Billy Joel, and Senorita was perfect fight music!} began to play from the intercoms, and hidden glitter cannons went off around where the villains were gathered, blinding them.

Then, quirk dampeners somehow already attached to the three quirk users keeping the facility contained activated, allowing a distress signal to be sent and backup requested.{You have no idea how hard it was to get those on them without them noticing! You could at least sound a tad less ungrateful u^u} (Insert eyeroll, scrub.) {Was that...? *Gasp* Slang? Up to date slang? From Dadzawa???)

Several contraptions began to react, such as a catapult that flung bomb that exploded slime thick enough to trap a grown man or a Cheerio firing tommy gun as just the two examples here, more are listed on the initial report, sowing chaos and confusion into the ranks as they flung their distractions all across them. 

Finally, after the students had evacuated (Would've taken less time if they'd cooperated better.) {Hey, I think if Bakugo had been more stubborn, it would've gone much worse! At least they were mostly focused on their intent to leave, even if they weren't entirely sure how to manage that coherently.} (Stop looking up my students, I don't want you anywhere near them) {Lemme guess, I'm a bad influence?) {You both are! Knowing you and knowing them, they'll find a way to make you worse WHILE you make them worse.) [If you both continue this, I will consider your comments part of the report and begin to edit them as well. This is intolerable.] ["{Told you it was sentient.}" has been removed. The system is not sentient, or an it.] (...) {...} (...) {...} (Get rekt.) {You only know what that means because you looked it up after I repeatedly left that behind for you when you couldn't catch me, usually by spray paint, sticky note, or hacking into a nearby billboard.} [ರ_ರ] 

A... After the students had evacuated and while the villains were all still distracted by the contraptions, a [Swearing isn't legal terminology, Eraser.] stupid prick of a child {It took the word Prick! You made the system give up, bro!} literally descended into the ranks of villains, only rather than like an angel or even a war god, he was really just dangling from a rigged pulley system he used to lower himself into the center of the group of armed individuals {you forgot to mention that I was doing the Ninja of Love actions from Phineas and Ferb as I rApPeLLeD DowN fRoM aBOvE} and began to fistfight the dangerous criminals with junk he made himself {Even you have to admit that the lazer golf club was cool!} and somehow avoid injury. 

After backup arrived, he fought slightly longer and then, when the fight was wrapping up with a clear win for the heroes, he suddenly vanished without a trace until he was next seen terrorizing a group of suspected sex offenders that had gathered together {To attack a high school girl's volleyball club out to celebrate winning a tournament!} via creepily singing the opening to a retro kid's show {La La, La La! La La, La La! Elmo's World!} as he castrated them before pelting them with rocks as he screamed about "Rocko" in a dark alleyway. (What is my life atp) 

End of report. 

{I really only hid under nearby rubble for a good six hours, then left on foot. It's a no brainier, really. The heroes just suck at hide and seek ;D} 

Last Edited April 20XX

Chapter Text

Greetings once again and *high squeaky voice crack* welcome, dear friends, to AAHH! If anyone is reading this out loud, I better have heard your AAAAUGH from wherever I am, even if you're in another city. Another day, another opportunity to learn more about your friendly neighborhood legally untouchable scourge and how I work! :3

Part of how my incredibly official job works is my projects! I currently have several projects I'm working on, where I research something, then do my utmost best to utilize the results in the ways that make the most sense to me; committing a series of crimes to right a problem I've found. I call all of these my Crime String Projects! 

For example, I have a string of breaking into cars to help animals in distress out of them which I call CSP Spot Has Been Spotted. I have a string of blowing up Yakuza bases that I call CSP Singed Suit. I have a string of assault charges from sniping people who have covered up elder abuse with frozen water balloons called CSP Fossil's Revenge. I have a string of kidnapping charges from kidnapping kidnapped children that I call CSP Yoink. 

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to make known an, unfortunately, somber divulgence. I have committed a most heinous crime and I must proclaim it, for my conscience can't bear the heavy guilt that has weighed it down and gets heavier still every time I repeat the frightful acts of disgrace that I seem to be unable to stop. 

The truth is...

The news article you all have been seeing in the Mustafu and surrounding areas about "The Allergen Stalker" is about me! Yes, I've racked up yet another title via a new CSP! 

For any who don't pay attention to the news, The Allergen Stalker is what the media describe as, "An uncanny and unsettling criminal who has been picking victims at random and breaking into their houses to leave copious allergens each specific homeowner is severely reactant to, which we can only assume they got information about through stalking." 

However, it might be interesting to know that every victim that has reported their house being violated has been arrested within a few days for embezzlement and subsequent various illegal transactions. Remember, assumptions make an-

More importantly! Why are they only reporting the allergens?! I do so much more than that! I wait until I know each victim will be gone over an hour and then break in in the least noticeable way possible, steal every last bit of mayonnaise in their home (open in the fridge and closed in storage), take the time to wash any and all dirty dishes, flip all chairs in the whole house upsidedown, get out their vacuum and leave it running on top of the highest bookshelves I can find, and then duct tape whatever they're most allergic to to their ceiling and walls, whether that's pine needles, daisy pollen, cedar and oak sticks, or grass for those with hayfever. And it always looked okay too! Like a low budget hanging garden but across every conceivable surface in the living space! Some people are just so ungrateful of good effort. 

I'm going to go pout about people's lack of appreciation,

Sincerely,

[Redacted] :C

Chapter Text

This week on AAHH: can I see the future? 

As I'm writing this, I'm in the vent system of a police station, pretending to be escaping but once everyone is out looking, I'm going to crawl back to the vents in the bathroom, come out of the bathroom, and walk calmly straight back to the interrogation room my favorite detective has me in. 

Will he know that's what happened immediately after he reads this? Yes. Will it still be hilarious watching him mobilize a few people and call a whole hero to keep an eye out for me only to realize I technically didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to, like leaving the station after I've been brought in for questioning? Also yes. 

Anyway, as I sit here pondering life to the background noise of shouts of dismay and alarms going off, I have concluded several things. I have wormed my way into and out of so many gangs, villain organizations, and sketchy situations that I know the ins and outs of any illegal group, plot, or gathering in all Japan. I've been around the block, and excitement and adrenaline are no stranger to me. I've killed hundreds, saved thousands, and feel pretty good about myself and my record despite only being officially active for a year and a half. 

However, I have a feeling that by dropping in on something from my past, I've set something big in motion. I'm not too worried about overcoming it. I mean, if I can accidentally kill an evil overlord that's, like, a bajillion years old, I'm sure I can handle anything else. This feels more like a truckload of drama is heading my way and I'll never be the same again or something equally lame. 

So, to prove I'm totes right about this and everything else, I'm going to log my predictions here and now so that I can either say "oh well" or "I told you so" in however long I decide to wait. 

So! First things first! I'm going to reconnect with my past, and it's going to be painful. Not for me, of course! Just for the one person I know will have an aneurysm because I'm still alive. There's also the possibility of a few other aneurysms that may occur in people that used to know me if my identity goes viral, which I'm calling a 50/50 chance on? I will enjoy most of them immensely, two I will not, I suppose? I have no living family though, so that kind of drama is already impossible, thank the mother of tacos! 

If my identity does not go viral, but is released to my playmates, then some more aneurysms may occur, but those I don't care about, even if Grumpy Swamp Dad (y'all remember him?) is probably running on coffee, jam, cat videos and the spite of ten thousand high school teachers. Lol. 

I feel like I might become either an apprentice or a nuisance to the staff of an educational establishment. No explanation will be provided, just the fact that I will begin preparations to bipass the security system and start playing pranks on the entire school if the "one person" I cited earlier, does anything to try to reconnect to me. Reconnect this, anger issues XP

I also feel like the wave of drama approaching won't just be about me, but there only a few people I'm close too, and the Goddess would never let drama anywhere near her kids, so maybe Smokey? Maybe I should kick him out of my apartment if he's going to be bringing unwanted drama with him...? But then where would be live, and who would teach him how to talk again or bring him the medicine he needs to stay stable? 

Oh wow, it kinda looks like my favorite detective might punch his partner from this angle. 

I feel like I might get a pet soon. Maybe I should start getting stuff together for when it happens. I'm a legendary vigilante, if I'm getting a pet, it's because they'll find me. Adoption what? 

I'm obviously going to take down at least three evil organizations in the never few months, but that's like saying "I'm going to change the lives of some people and then maybe annoy some adults". That's literally my everyday at this point, so there would be no point in mentioning it. Maybe I'll move? But I like my apartment so hopefully not. I'm going to learn a new talent, I guess? But I know how to sew and fight and stuff, so idk what more a guy would need to know. I don't even set the kitchen on fire every other time I walk into the room anymore! 

I'm thinking I might build some new weapons or maybe get a medal? For what I don't know. 

---

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---

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to stop that draft and set it aside for a good week, so this is me continuing it and also saying I told you so already! 

I really don't know why evil doctors keep sticking things in chemical filled Dunk The Clown tanks in their dark basements, it's not very sanitary, nor very smart (which the evil doctors are supposed to be, by the way). Just a day or two ago, I was humming my merry way down the road to get some more stickers from the convenience store when I tripped the worst I ever had! 

This stupid coin got in my way and I didn't see it, and I tumbled all the way back up the road, down a shady alleyway, into a lair of villains (knocking them all out with my terrible, uncontrollable clumsiness on accident), into their data stores (finding some rather interesting information... On accident!), back out of the lair, out the alley, up the road several miles (it was quite the clumsy stumble, I'm sure you understand ;;;), and then, to end the worst flounder of my life, I accidentally pitched through a locked bulletproof window and into the shadiest basement I'd ever seen! 

Of course with such suspicious surroundings I'd dig around a bit! It's in my nature to help out! And there, in a Dunk Tank not unlike Smokey the Teddy's, I found the cutest little thing in the world! I'm still not entirely sure what it is (The underground doctor simply stared at me when I brought it to him, as if he was asking me, simultaneously, what I wanted him to do with it and if I was right in the head. How rude! He's seen other iffy people's pet before and treated them quite well even though he insists he's not a vet!), but it's smol and gray and fuzzy and has fluffy ears to match it's fluffy tail and purrs quite adorably and has eight legs and a webspinner and big icy blue eyes with glowing slits and... 

Well, to put it simply, imagine a cat's head with vampire fangs for canines and the body of a spider and the wings of a fruit bat but the whole thing is gray and fluffy and the size of a Pomeranian. 

...

Her name is Cassorole Butterbeans Sassafras Cheeserolls McPuddinTaters and I got her a sparkly collar with her name on it and feed her my fridge leftovers and she sleeps on my ceiling. 

I will not be explaining myself. 

Lemme gush about my baby u^u

I'm sure you all noticed that I took a few days off (to get her used to me and her new home), but after that I wasn't sure how she would adjust to being alone in the house, and I have sensitive and important fragile stuff that needs to be protected and not messed with or else the packaging might be disturbed which lowers the value immediately of-

Anyway so I brought her with me on patrol and I was pleased to see how many fans she had on social media almost immediately! The picture of her adorably munching on a tire iron after her tomato juice bath was one of my favorites, especially with the way her eyes lit up like a cat's reflective ones but red! Casserole is such a cutie! Her chasing asking the person taking the picture for pets was endearing too! She's such a sweetheart. <3 

She's also a good listener and amazing at fetch, I've noticed! When people yell at her, Casserole tends to be offensive and hiss and spray acid at them, but when you ask her nicely, she'll bring you anything you ask for! Like an opponent's weapons, a ball, keys you dropped, hot dogs, another person's pet, someone's stolen purse so you can give it back, that villain's actual kneecaps, an enemy's brick computer/data servers, Eraserhead's scarf, sea crabs, or even your favorite stuffed animal! 

All you have to do is give her clear, calm instructions including the general vicinity it should be in while speaking either like Donald Duck, Elmo, or a squeaky baby voice with tons of mushy compliments and scritches behind her ears, and she'll bring you anything! She's also easy to bring around with me because her favorite way to hug someone is by attaching herself to their back via four arms over the shoulders and four arms around the chest so if you imagine she's a backpack that breaths and only speaks in demonic screeching and adorable clicking noises, then she can just grab on and you can take her anywhere! 

However, she has a lot to learn about who's a friend or for, and I didn't want to traumatize her by bringing her out into the field too early, so the next day I left her at home with the security system on and went on my merry way, only to look away for two seconds while in a dramatic gun fight and look back to see she has acquired a random severed human leg. Now, while I know I have a few miscellaneous fingers, toes, eyes, and tongues, I also know I didn't used to have any extra human legs (cuz I sure have one now!). So I had to cut my shift off, make my way home, figure out whose leg it was, and give it back to them :D

Casserole will now be joining joining me on most of my future excursions so she doesn't get up to any more funny business where I can't see her, so if anyone decides to be alarmed by the fuzzy glittering backpack with glowing eyes I will be toting around from here on out, don't shoot it, because it will eat the bullet and your arm and your gun and melt your face :> 

On an unrelated note, hey Google! How to get rid of acid stains? Ah hah... 

Anyway, I love that I can now bond with other people over our adorable pets! I'd declare myself a cat mama, but I'm pretty sure I'm closer to a spider mama! 

Look out pet crazed friends, here I come! 

[Redacted] 

Ps, why does my cat like my slow cooker so much? She enjoys carrying it around and sleeping inside it, plugged in or not, whenever she can. I've even seen her try to groom it and wrap it in webs a few times, sometimes even at the same time???