Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Kaidan? Kaidan... you're alive?

The man in my arms is shaking, having wakened in a cold sweat moments ago. He was trying to scream but only a whimper of a sound was coming out. With his eyes wide open but unseeing, I'd gathered him close, cradling his head against my chest, stroking the close-cropped hair slowly, murmuring soft words. Finally he'd recognized me, still sounding unsure if I'm real or part of the dream.

"Yes, alive and you are too. You're home. The war is over – you found a way to win..." I keep repeating the words, letting them sink in past the panic and fear. "You're safe here. You're not alone... never need to be alone again."

John has always had nightmares, at least as long as I've known him. Even back on the original Normandy, after his encounter with the Prothean beacon, I'd sometimes work through the night on the console just outside his cabin, alert for the sounds of pain and distress that meant he was having another of them. I was never sure how to react - should I let him ride it out? Should I call for Dr. Chakwas? Should I try to help?

I never called for help – knowing how important his pride and his privacy were to him, I would need to have been afraid that his life was in danger. Sometimes I'd just listen, waiting for the sounds to subside... falling back into sleep, I'd hoped.

On a few occasions, I'd slip unseen into his cabin to crouch by the side of his bed or sit on the edge of it if I couldn't reach him otherwise. I would touch his arm or his shoulder, murmur quiet reassurances just as I'm doing tonight. Eventually he would calm, maybe meet my eyes in some kind of silent plea, and I would whisper goodnight and slip away.

We never spoke of it, but the second time I had to do it, I didn't have to hack the lock on the door. He'd left it unlocked.

Tonight it's taking a long time for his breathing to calm into anything near normal. I worry about him – this wasn't one of his typical nightmares. This was something more.

The last time I'd seen him reacting like this to a dream was back in the hospital. One of the medications he'd been on had induced dreams and hallucinations that Shepard described as terrifying. He'd had a hard time knowing what was real, even when he seemed to be awake. After one particularly harrowing night when he was pushing me away, saying I wasn't really there and asking for the real Kaidan who wouldn't let him hurt so much, I convinced his doctor to switch out that med.

Shepard was seldom able to recall much of the content of those episodes, and in general he still has some memory blockage surrounding his last minutes on the Citadel, before the final explosion. I've worried sometimes about what would happen when he does remember.

"John... can you tell me where you were? You don't have to, but it might help to talk about it, if you can."

His voice is cracked and raw, as if he'd been screaming, although I hadn't heard much of that tonight. I reach for the water bottle on the nightstand and let him sip from it, now that I'm pretty sure he won't choke when he tries to swallow it.

Finally he nods, blindly seeking my hand and gripping it tightly, his cheek once again pressed against my chest. "The wall. I was at the wall... "

I'm not sure what he means by 'the wall' – whether it's a physical place or barrier, or more like the wall you hit when you've spent your last trace of energy and can't go a step further. Maybe he'll tell me. I just hold him, stroking my thumb across his clenched fingers, waiting.

"At the end... on the Citadel... waiting for the end." He's trembling again. "Anderson... died. Then nothing. Crucible didn't work. Came so far to fail..."

I try to calm him, but he's caught up in it again. Reliving. Re-dying maybe. But he pushes on with words now as he must have pushed on physically then. Somehow.

"Hackett... needed something more. Had to crawl... useless fucking leg. Could hardly even crawl, dragging the leg... hand mangled. So tired. Kaidan... dead tired."

I press my lips against his hair, tightening my arm around him. "But you did... you did it."

His next words sound dragged from a heart that wouldn't quit.

"Had to. Seeing faces. Anderson... you, Kaidan... Had to go on – you were waiting."

He falls silent, and there's no way I'm going to ask him to relive any more of it. Ever.

"Shepard. You found a way, got past that wall. However you did it, it's over now. You're safe."

I can feel him suddenly relax against me, not struggling any more. His voice sounds exhausted, but he knows where he is now. "Someone... to live for... "

I whisper the words that mean everything to us both.

"Someone to love..."

His eyes close and his breathing slows, matching my heartbeat, as he settles into a peaceful sleep. Maybe the worst is past, the wall breached.